#I don't even know what this will achieve I'm just. Really sad right now

[clowncanvas]

Really struggling with mental health rn. I know I'm probably yelling into the void but. Wally Darling pics and short stories in my asks would be vastly appreciated. I just want the comfort ❤️🧡💛💙

[txttletale]

"you, specifically, are a bad and evil person that all my posts are written to condemn" this is not what i said. i'm sorry for not being clearer. i just feel like everyone in this space, not just you, look down on people who live in the first world as people who willingly don't change anything about how the world works when it's just not that simple. i know you all love to combat this and say otherwise but it will never change the simple reality that for some people it really is very hard, if not impossible, to do anything politically, for a variety of reasons. i'm disabled, i live in a remote part of the country, and i'm bad at talking to people. i don't have the money to just move to a population center or get lessons on how to speak to people. i can't do anything and i feel like every time you or one of the other communists on tumblr talks about the imperial core, i feel like i, personally, am being held to an unreasonable standard that i would not hold anyone else to, if i were in one of your situations. obviously i want things to change. i don't want genocide to be a thing that's constantly happening, i don't want my country to have its tendrils dug into every other country, i want socialism and eventually global communism, and if i could do anything meaningful-- anything at all-- to achieve those goals i would be working on that. but right now that just is not the case for me, and i feel like i'm not alone in that either. i just wish you had like a smidgen of empathy for some of the people living here who don't fit into your stereotype of what a member of the imperial core looks like-- i'm not even trying to say that sarcastically, it genuinely feels like you all don't see us as human. like nyanguard especially seems to think of us as incapable of saving ourselves, and one of the reblogs to my first ask just said they "like to imagine that (i'm) crying as i type this". how am i supposed to react to that? is this how all of you feel about people like me? would your feelings about me change if i lived in another country, or would you find some other excuse to talk down to me? is it really just the country i live in that's the problem, here? i'm not trying to accuse you, i'm asking this question genuinely.

i know it's tempting to respond to this with a snarky comment but please just try to understand where i am coming from. i really am willing to help if i can.

i don't think any marxist seriously has a political theory of imperialism that amounts to "citizens of the imperial core simply choose not to do anything because they are all individually bad people". i mean the whole point of marxism is that economic relations are the ultimate drivers of historical change, not abstract psychological or moral qualities of people.

i'm sympathetic to your situation! the imperial core is a very atomizing place to live, and there are places and situations where there's just no practical path to getting organized and taking meaningful political action in the near future. however, your problem here is:

i feel like i, personally, am being held to an unreasonable standard that i would not hold anyone else to

nobody is posting about you, personally. like at the end of the day you have to learn to either not take posts like that personally or just block everyone who makes them to manage your own time on the computer vis a vis niceness--i don't think it's the responsibility of me or any other communist to constantly provide asterisks and carveouts that we're not talking about the Good Ones Who Have Extenuating Circumstances when we talk about the usa and its material political base.

& in the same way that you ask for empathy for your situation i would ask you to extend a level of understanding to people whose homelands and countrymen and communities have been devastated by US coups and sanctions and invasions, that they have as much a right to express the rage and fury and hurt of that cultural legacy as you do to express your own sadness about your own situation. imagine, for example, how you would feel if your grandparents could not reliably get medicine because of us sanctions. & of course the correct target for these feelings are not random usamericans--but these posts are also not serious politcal platforms, they are venting from people who live their lives under the weight of empire.

if you think what they're saying is unfair to you, then you need to develop the ability to say 'well, i understand why they would feel that way' and move on. like i understand why you are upset, and i don't say this to be dismissive, but as real advice: it is not fair (especially to bloggers from the global south) to essentially rest your happiness and self-worth at their feet and demand that they validate you.

genuinely, i hope this helps. it's all i really have to say on the matter.

[bumblequinn]

hi @sourpatchsquids! thank you for your question.

as an artist with ADHD, i know this struggle very well. unfortunately offering advice on this kind of thing can be tricky, because what works for me may not work for you (and vice versa!). nonetheless, i can try; take whatever works for you, forget the rest, or reshape any part of it as you see fit. :)

but before i offer any actual tools, i have one caveat. i want you to take a moment to reflect and consider if you should be:

changing expectations

the timing of this question seems fated, because just the other day i had a therapy session wherein i expressed my grief and frustration over struggling to work lately due to my seasonal depression. it's not fair that i'm struggling just because it got a little darker outside! i just want the spark i had in the summer! i was so much more consistent!

my therapist's response: nothing about human beings is consistent. we get sick, we get tired, we get hungry and thirsty (and thirsty) and sad and lonely and restless and stressed and overwhelmed. this all gets amplified for folks who are atypical in some way or another.

when my therapist compared our seasonal cycles to those of plants and other animals, who wilt and slow down and hibernate, i protested aloud that i wanted to be a perennial instead. at this she said: even perennials change with the seasons. rose bushes have to be pruned, sometimes down to half their height! it was a dose of perspective i didn't particularly want, but really needed.

so when you're struggling to work through executive dysfunction, burnout, or brain fog, it can help to first check in with yourself about a few things. what do you have the capacity for right now? do you need any accommodation? and if so, what changes you might make to accommodate yourself?

with practice and self reflection, i've learned a handful of specific routines that help me when i'm struggling with creative work, which i'll detail next. note that while your question is specifically about music and i am specifically a musician, i believe that all of these suggestions can apply to most any form of digital creative work.

with that in mind:

#1: work slower

when i'm at the top of my game, i can get a LOT done in a day. but when i'm depressed, fatigued, or distracted, i just can't go full steam. sometimes i'll try to convince myself that i can if i just push harder, but what actually ends up happening is that i'm just fiddling with settings and going in circles rather than moving forward.

instead of that, when i want to work a lot but can't, i try to work slow. how slow? however slow i need to. take four hours to figure out the melody for a single verse. take all day to figure out that drum groove. yeah, i take a lot of breaks in between. who says i have to be my Absolute Most Productive Every Day Or Else? that's the puritan work ethic talking. kill it. be kind to yourself.

i'm reminded of advice i once read about some super successful and prolific author (gaiman? king? pratchett?) who said they wrote only four hundred words every weekday. that's already less than the word count of this post, and i'm only—[travels into the future to check my final word count]... 22.8% of the way through writing it!

now, i don't think i could function that way, because ADHD means some days i'm hyperfocused like crazy, and other days i just have no steam at all (more on that in #4-6). but it seems to me that if even someone highly respected in their profession can achieve what they have with only a little bit of work on a regular basis, maybe i don't have to punish myself for not pumping out a finished work every single week.

doing less work per day means you're much less likely to burn out, which does a lot for working more consistently. if that consistency still doesn't look like a five-day work week, that's okay! as long as it helps you work even a little more often when you want to, it's something worth doing.

however, if you're still feeling truly stuck, all hope isn't lost. you can still try:

#2: switch projects

sometimes the reason i'm moving slow is because of a bad brain day, but sometimes the reason is that i just cannot muster the motivation to do the specific task i'm trying to do right now. ADHD is fueled by novelty and interest, and if i'm not interested in what i'm doing, or it's feeling stale, that's a sign that i need to switch gears.

this is why first it's helpful for me to have more than one project going at a time. this might mean completely unrelated works, or it might just mean related tracks as with the music for a game like SLARPG or susan taxpayer.

the idea here is not to start a dozen different projects and bounce around them like i'm playing whac-a-mole—though i have done that. (i don't recommend it.) the idea here is to have a manageable number of different projects i can be working on so that if i get bored or stuck on something, i have fallback options.

what that number of projects is depends entirely on the week. maybe right now it's two, maybe another time it's three. i would probably be getting carried away if i tried more than that, but that's just my own limit. maybe yours is different. that's something for you to think about.

but it doesn't have to stop there.

#3: switch focus

maybe there is this one project that i just HAVE to work on, but the task i'm trying to do at this stage just isn't coming to me. okay, well, why don't i try working on a different task?

let's say i can't figure out what i want to do with the melody in one part of the song:

what if i try jumping ahead to a different part of the melody? ...no, i'm stumped on melodies today. okay, how about working on the drums instead? ...hmm no, i think i'm just completely tapped out on writing parts right now. alright, what if i organized my tracks, making sure they're all grouped and named in a way that i can work with easily? what if i did a rough volume balance for the mix?

and so on. if that's not enough to shake the off stuckness, i might consider: what can i do to make this project more interesting to me?

what happens if i try using an instrument or effect that i almost never reach for? what if i try sampling something obscure? what if i bang out the drums using my midi keyboard instead of drawing it in on the piano roll?

any approach that breaks me out of my usual habits is bound to get that feeling of novelty and fun back when i need it.

or maybe i can't do any of that right now, and so i take the time to answer a question from a fellow musician instead. i consider that part of my work, too, in a broader sense. check in with yourself and figure out what you can do right now. the rest will still be there later.

but okay, let's say you try switching gears, and switching again, and again, and nothing is moving. you try new approaches, but that wall of awful is insurmountable in this moment. it happens! the next thing you might try is:

#4: learn something new

when you aren't able to make progress on your projects, you can still make progress on your knowledge and craft. i often find this stokes a flame of inspiration in me where there wasn't one before. and even when it doesn't, it still gets my brain out of that feeling of stuckness and dread and into one of thought and action. learning also benefits in the long term because it adds to the well of knowledge from which you draw for all your future works.

for all the awfulness that exists on the internet, it remains an absolute treasure trove of teaching. there's an endless ocean of videos, blog posts, and articles from which you might learn something about your craft. (and if you sail the seven seas, plenty of book PDFs as well. 🦜🏴‍☠️)

it's true that the quality and depth of information out there can vary wildly, but in my experience most resources get at least some things right. and the more you research, practice, and figure out what works for you, the better you will learn to differentiate between the advice worth keeping, and the advice to forget. (that goes for all of what i'm saying here, too!)

that said, since our shared focus is music, a few resources i would highly recommend are:

music theory and composition music matters, 12tone, charles cornell, music with myles, 8-bit music theory, and this introduction by andrew huang

mixing and production dan worrall (especially this series for fabfilter), kush after hours, red means recording, andrew huang, alice yalcin efe, in the mix

general inspiration nahre sol, ben levin, david hilowitz, game score fanfare, posy, jerobeam fenderson, open reel ensemble, and ELECTRONICOS FANTASTICOS!

(if any readers have their own helpful resources for creating music or any other media, feel free to share in the replies & reblogs! 💓)

of course, on an especially bad day, it might be a challenge to seek out information, let alone retain it. that can feel pretty bad, but remember: be kind to yourself. the next thing you might consider trying is:

#5: consume art you love

not just music. books. shows. movies. games. illustration. animation. whatever moves and inspires you.

but do it intentionally. don't just pull up some random thing the algorithm suggested! check in with yourself about what you want (or are able) to engage with right now. choose accordingly. if you get a little way into it and realize it's not scratching that itch, hit the bricks. check in with yourself again. wash, rinse, repeat, until you find whatever it is that speaks to you right now.

and do it actively, if you can. don't just let it go in one eye and out the other! really pay attention to the work. what do you like about it? what are its themes and motifs? what makes it work so well? what are its flaws, and how much do they matter? what might you do differently? you can write notes as you do this if it helps, but even simply noticing and thinking goes a long way.

what you don't want to do is come at this with a lens of shame or envy. you're not here just to say to yourself, "ugh, if only i could do THAT." it's okay if it happens. use that thought as a springboard for curiosity: "well okay, how DID they do that? do i have the resources for it? if so, how could i apply that to my own work? if not, how can i adapt it, or what do i need to learn?" keep your mind open and approach the work with a sense of wonder.

as a creative person, it's very easy to think, "i should be making something right now, not watching a movie!" but that thought forgets something vital: your art is a response in a conversation. of course the "language" you use is your own, and maybe if you're lucky you'll invent a new word. but most of the words you use have been around long before you were born. you're just one voice in a dialogue that spans continents and generations, and that's okay. it's even the whole point.

none of us is an island. we are profoundly social animals. just as we can't live without eating, we can't make without learning. so half of making art is consuming it. consider this part of the process as well.

and finally,

#6: rest, and live your life

let's say you're in really dire straits. you've tried working slower. you tried changing focus, you tried changing projects. you want to take in new information or actively engage with your favorite art, but you're not in the headspace for it. what now?

take a nap. take a walk. take a shower. eat a nice meal, or an okay one. talk to a friend. maybe even do that chore you've been putting off (you know the one).

it's human to always crave making, but you're not a machine—and even if you were, machines need regular maintenance, too! you wouldn't drive a car that's completely out of gas, and you won't do yourself any favors treating your body that way either.

i know that when you take a break it feels as though you're not accomplishing anything, but you are: you're taking care of your animal self. and while you do that, your creative brain doesn't stop working! much like windows, it has countless background processes running at any given moment, with inscrutable names like "cbdhsvc_692da" or "Microsoft Edge Update Service." it's true, i checked.

when you're stuck on a project and you step away to rest, your brain is still chipping away at your ideas unconsciously. i like to tell people, "it's percolating." much like waiting for a pot of water to boil, that idea is still heating up, even when you take a step away. just be sure to check in on it once in a while. the time will pass, and it'll be boiling again before long. :)

before i go, i'll leave you with one last thing to keep in mind as you try all of these strategies:

be kind to yourself.

being human is just about one of the hardest things you can do. let alone being a human trying to survive capitalism while living with disabilities! the last thing you need on top of that is to overwork yourself, talk to yourself negatively, or treat yourself harshly. there are plenty of other people in the world who do that to you—don't be one of them.

i'm not saying that you shouldn't try to challenge yourself, to test your limits and go above and beyond your ambitions, if that's what you want to do. just remember that hard work and self compassion are not mutually exclusive. so be careful not to bully yourself. take pride in the progress you make, even when it seems small. encourage yourself like you would a friend who's going through a hard time. and when you challenge yourself, be your own cheerleader.

i hope you find this advice helpful! remember, this is just what helps me, so don't feel like you have to follow any of it exactly. maybe taking time to learn new information helps break you out of your rut more than working slowly, so you reach for that tool first. maybe having multiple projects going at once is too distracting for you, so you prefer to stick to one at a time. whatever your needs are, feel free to alter and adapt these ideas to fit you.

thank you for reading, and i wish you the best of luck in your creating.

with care, bee 🐦

[lazycats-stuff]

Batfamily x male reader

Batfamily x male!reader - this is part 1 everyone.

Summary: some talking is done.

Warnings: angst, fluff, (Y/N) is trying and so is the fam, cursing, trying to forgive, a punch was thrown, cutting people out

The fight echoed through the manor. Even days after it, the tension was still palpable. (Y/N) truly wanted nothing more with his so called brothers and father. If they tried to talk to him, they would be ignored or (Y/N) would just snap at them.

Almost biting their head off.

Safe to say, things were going to complete and utter shit.

Bruce didn't even know how to start talking to (Y/N). Was he emotionally reserved? Yes. But will he try everything in his power to make it right?

Yes. Everything he can do, he will do.

Bruce has decided to call a meeting. He made (Y/N) leave his room and (Y/N) has never looked worse. He couldn't sleep for days on end, only getting about 4 hours per night. He wasn't in the mood to eat either. He was only alive because Alfred had to make sure he was still alive.

Everyone noted that he looked like he didn't want to live anymore. More so, he looked dead. (Y/N) just sat down, an angry look on his face, arms crossed and body language closed off. He sat down as far as away as he could from them, clearly not happy to be here in the slightest.

He tucked himself in the chair, ignoring everyone and everything.

" (Y/N)... " Bruce started quietly, clearly not wanting to have a blow out and an explosion. " We have to talk through this problem. " Bruce continued just as softly and (Y/N) scoffed.

" We know we have been... Neglecting you, to say the least. But... We want to fix our mistakes. We want to be better. " Bruce said and (Y/N) chose to roll his eyes instead of listening. No matter what they could say could ever fix this.

" Well... 10 years too late. " (Y/N) said sarcastically, tapping his fingers against his tucked up knee, clearly anxious to leave this room behind. He really was anxious too leave.

" And we realize that. " Tim started softly, looking at (Y/N) with a sad look on his face. (Y/N) wouldn't allow them to see them sweat.

" Bullshit. " (Y/N) said quickly. They don't realize shit. " You are only doing this because Jon came over and pointed it out and now you are worried that the word doesn't spread. " (Y/N) spat out, leaning on his tucked up knee, glaring that the floor.

" That is not true. " Damian said and (Y/N) looked up, glaring at Damian, scoffing at the words, then laughing bitterly.

" Oh please. You never told Jon about me! I'm assuming all of your friends don't know I exist, right? " (Y/N) said as he rubbed his eyes from the exhaustion.

The silence was the only answer that (Y/N) needed.

" Yup and there it is. No one knows I fucking exist! " (Y/N) said loudly, blood pressure raising. He took a deep breath to calm down. " Just as I thought. No one knows I exist. No one even cared about my school achievements either... Let me ask you something Bruce. " (Y/N) asked, turning his attention to Bruce.

" Do you have a college fund for me? Just like you do for other four? " (Y/N) asked, itching for an answer. When Bruce looked away in shame and (Y/N) scoffed yet again.

" Also, don't you fucking dare setting it up. I have got a scholarship anyway. " (Y/N) answered the unasked questions. Bruce was proud of (Y/N). How could he have done this to (Y/N), forget to put a college fund...

" I'm sorry (Y/N). I didn't mean to forget you. " Bruce said, keeping his distance, but wanting nothing more than just hug him and kiss the anger away.

But alas, that's not how it works. (Y/N) has to forgive him first.

" Can you tell us more about the scholarship? " Jason chimed in, wanting to speak about something that (Y/N) could be happy about.

" It's for MIT. " (Y/N) said quietly and everyone was in shock. They didn't know that (Y/N) was into science and mathematics and what not.

Another mistake of theirs.

" That's amazing (Y/N). " Tim praised, smiling at (Y/N). Getting into MIT is hard as hell.

(Y/N) rolled his eyes, but deep down inside, he craved that praise more than life. But some praise won't erase everything that happened.

" You would really have to move then... " Dick said sadly and (Y/N) glanced at all of them. They all seem sad that he would have to move all the way to Massachusetts, but it would be necessary. (Y/N) needed to get out of here. One way or another.

" I think what we all mean to say is that we are sorry. There is no excuse, not a single thing that could justify what we did and what we have caused to you. " Damian said and (Y/N) was shocked to hear the word sorry just tumble out of his mouth like that, so effortlessly. So easily. But he composed himself quickly.

" How do I put his nicely? " (Y/N) said, looking sarcastic. " I don't give a damn about any of you. I don't give a damn about apologies at all. I don't care about any of you. The moment I move out, all of you are going to be dead to me. Period. " (Y/N) said as he quickly stood up, going to his room.

He isn't going to fucking listen anymore.

" No, (Y/N) wait! " Everyone called after him and tried to stop him. Jason managed to grab his arm, but (Y/N) threw a punch and knocked Jason down on his ass, making the others rear back. It was a truly what the fuck moment for all of them.

(Y/N) was never violent.

(Y/N) slammed the doors of his room shut and everyone was silent. Jason was breathing heavily through his mouth as (Y/N) broke his nose.

" He has a hell of a punch. " Jason muttered as he stood up.

" We have a shit ton of gravelling to do. " Tim muttered and everyone nodded in agreement. Saying that they are dead to him, well, will be dead to him, that was sort of a nail in a coffin. Coffin about their relationship...

That was probably on the brink of death, if not dead already.

" Come on, he needs some time alone. " Bruce said and ushered everyone out of the hall, mostly Jason to take a look at his nose, to treat it and heal it.

That same night, (Y/N) quietly managed to get his things into a car, while others were on patrol and blocked them in the process. Then he started driving to MIT, because he didn't have the nerve to put his things onto a plane and go. And besides, he didn't have enough things anyway.

(Y/N) could finally start his new life.

[perfectlysanexd]

I haven't done one of these kind of posts in a while, but the expressions in Rebirth were top notch, and I wanted to talk a bit about and analyze Sephiroth's different smiles, both pre and post Nibelheim.

Nibelheim itself is difficult to gauge, because SOLDIER Cloud is actually Zack, and furthermore, some of it is definitely his own wishful thinking. But one thing you can say for sure, is that they portray that Sephiroth, despite being so emotionally weary, still summons up the energy to smile at his friend.

As soon as he turns away from Zack, his smile falls, and he doesn't give one to the Mayor at all.

However, when he turns back to inform the men that they're free until sundown, he summons up another smile for them. I don't think that he's just attempting to keep their morale up, he genuinely has affection for Zack, and cares for the others. He respects them for their service, putting their lives on the line for what they think is a good cause, and Sephiroth—as we saw in Ever Crisis—learned to be a compassionate person, who cares about the lives of others, even enemies.

Of course, he's deeply distressed during this time, the despair is eating him alive. Even Cloud acknowledges(despite having not known Sephiroth on a personal level) that he just wasn't himself once they arrived. But I'm not going to talk about my theories on all the Jenova stuff right now, that's not the focus here. Even at the window, you can tell he's feeling off, but when he turns to Zack, he attempts to smile again.

Sephiroth has never enjoyed his fame, and as we learned in Ever Crisis, he didn't choose it; Shinra made up bogus achievements and declared him to be a hero before even his first field assignment, as part of their recruitment campaign. Can't argue with results, I guess—it certainly got Cloud to join up out of hero worship, right? In EC, Sephiroth admits that all he ever wanted was to be normal, something that he knows he can never have. How sad...

So when this man wants to take his picture, it's no wonder that he's over it by then, and tells him no. And rather politely, too, all things considered. But even before that, he smiles and tells Zack that as long as he does his job, their young tourguide will be safe.

But as soon as he turns his back and walks away? Yeah, that smile immediately fades.

Which certainly doesn't change when the guy takes his picture. But of course, when Zack asks Sephiroth to pose for one, he just can't say no, even though he's not super happy about it. Anyway, he continues to smile at Zack for the duration of their journey up Mt. Nibel, making an effort to talk and even cracking a couple jokes, just trying to be a good leader and keep them in good spirits.

And of course, there's the very sad bridge part, where you can tell that he's genuinely upset that he failed to save the other infantryman that got washed away. He searches for him, but comes up empty-handed. Still, he smiles for Zack and teases him about a performance assessment, since their morale is quite low now, but they need to keep going.

Honestly, the Nibelheim part of Rebirth really did an excellent job of portraying Sephiroth's inner struggle. For reference, there are only 3 points in Remake, I think, when Sephiroth drops his ever-present, sometimes affectionate(towards Cloud) and often unhinged, smile: First, it's replaced with sheer rage as he kills President Shinra.

Second time, is when Aerith has a Cetra moment and suggests that his entire existence is "wrong".

And the third time is when he holds out his hand to Cloud at the Edge of Creation, and is rejected by him.

Anyway, back to Rebirth. Ignoring the bizarre smiles he showed us as Nibelheim was burning, as if he was in a trance and just not all there(that's a subject for a different chat), post-Nibelheim Sephiroth's smiles are interesting, too, if we consider what kind they are, depending on who he's dealing with.

For people he hates, like Tseng, it's much more unhinged looking, and very cold. You can tell there's a certain measure of satisfaction from shanking him, haha...

For someone like Aerith, who...I wouldn't exactly say that he hates her, but she's definitely in the way. I would almost say that he considers her to be actively preventing Cloud from recovering his true memories, leading him to remain as merely Sephiroth's "puppet", but that's a theory for another day. He looks at her coldly, as well, but it's a bit different. There's a bit more respect there than there was for Tseng.

And then there's Zack. Actual Zack. I feel like, deep down, he still cares about him, and has no intention of killing him. I almost sense a little...regret? Maybe? Hm. It's definitely a bit warmer of a smile. And of course, although he had many opportunities to get rid of Zack, he doesn't. Instead, he sends him off into the space between worlds safely.

And of course, last but certainly not least, is the way he smiles at Cloud. I know, I know. "But Sane, you like sefikura, so you're biased!" Look, I won't deny that. However, when you really look at it and compare his smiles, which is what this is all about, his truest smiles are always saved for Cloud. He has 2 different "flavors": pure affection and cruel affection. (There are also a few pity smiles, I think.) The former is used most of the time, whenever Cloud is in his sight, and the latter is used during moments when he's trying to control/influence him. I would almost say that he's...satisfied, yet regretful at the same time?? Like these:

And now, let's contrast that with his more genuine, affectionate smiles for Cloud... (The first shot here ⬇ can be contrasted with the shot 2 up from the bottom there ⬆, as the one above is when he's calling Cloud his puppet, and the one below is when Cloud goes to attack him and he opens his arms wider for the incoming uh...embrace.)

Remake had many interesting smiles from him, too, but that will have to be a different post, as this already has 30 screenshots. Anywho, you're free to draw your own conclusions, and not everyone reads faces in the same way, so maybe I'm nuts. Who knows? Either way, I hope you enjoyed this random, indulgent, very long post, haha. If you made it to the end, you're awesome. 💕

All screenshots were taken by me on my PS5. I won't ask for credit on them, since literally anyone can take an identical shot if they pause at the right second. (The exception are the 3 Remake shots, which were taken on PC with mods and the freecam. For those, I would appreciate credit if you use them anywhere, since I don't watermark them.)

[togament]

Thinking about how Ume would ask you out.

It'd be so stinking cute. He'd have a little get together planned with your closest friends and he thinks you really wouldn't question it or feel suspicious at all since he throws these gatherings all the time! Even for the tiniest achievements your pals might have, Ume would call everyone together to celebrate.

It’s different this time around though.

Ume texts you beforehand to meet him at Pothos for dinner with everyone. You've got some time to kill before then so you decide to go out with your friends. Throughout the day, you're met with the people of Makochi giving you little freebies while you're out on a walk with your friends like you usually would on weekends. But not as much as this though? Seasonal pastries (it's not even Autumn yet but they've prepared their best sweet potato buns for you?), the local florist just so happened to have "extra stems" of your favorite flower so they're giving them to you (…they're not supposed to be blooming this time of year?? How did they know about your favorite flower???? They're very pricey too. For free?), special staff meals (extra sauce??? Extra servings too???), even a free bottle of Yamazaki whiskey?! (Which you politely turned down after looking the price up. They said they'll be saving it for you for another occasion which kiiiiind of got you thinking a little.)

Hmm.

By dinner time, you’re surrounded by your closest friends and your favorite food. And of course Ume. After dinner, you both go on one of yourusual night walks down the streets of Makochi to melt the food away. But you're starting to suspect something when he takes your hand in his. It's very clammy (he's real nervous, okay?) But you don't mind. If it's him, you would brave the clammiest of hands and muddiest of hugs.

And he'd do the same for you and more. Way, way more.

He turns you to look at him and you're met with a blushing yet very determined looking Ume. With his brows furrowed and backlit by the streetlight, he almost looks ethereal.

God.

Reaching out, you hold his other hand and you swear you see him soften. Like he knows everything'll be alright. "You've been with me through everything. You're the first person I look for when I'm happy, sad... Hell, even when I’m the tiiiiniest bit angry I’m looking for your comfort.” He says with a little chuckle, running his thumbs over your knuckles. You could only nod in response, feeling your heart fluttering from how lovingly he's looking at you right now. "You know you mean the world to me, right?" Goodness. You're getting choked up now. You only nod, fighting the happy tears from falling. "So what I'm trying to say here is," He takes a deep breath. "Can I please be your boyfriend?" He pauses. taking a tentative closer to you. You don't step back. "Please?" he whispers. With tears spilling from your eyes, you don't utter a single word. You only nod. But you did kiss him that night. Kissed his teeth, really. But that's something at least.

a/n: I'm very soft right now and I adore Ume and his softness and hisnsajnsaj and he please do nht perceive me atm 🌱 (he had everything planned and asked help from everyone in Makochishd……tocelebrate with him….. help……….) I would also like to add!!!! Lee Hi's Only played on shuffle as I was writing this. I'm playing it right now and I'm absolutely sobbing.

[vaguely-concerned]

so for obvious reasons, rye is not generally all that popular with most of the senior watchers. however. I think there is a certain type of younger watcher to whom he is The ultimate hot badboy icon and fantasy. (we're talking about a group of extreme indoor kid goth nerds who've barely been outside. it doesn't take a lot ot achieve bad boy status in this context and the only thing in this world that lasts forever is a bad reputation in a small insular group like the watchers.) it's SO funny because rye thinks of himself as such a disappointing fuckup of a son of the grand necropolis. and meanwhile there are novices kicking their feet and giggling as they're like

'Ingellvar is so cool. no one knows where he's from he was found down here as a baby. mysterious orphan appeal. he could be a secret dalish prince or something for all we know. (*annoyed extra nerd watcher novice voice*: umm actually the dalish don't have princes, merrivar?? read a real book sometime maybe???) he's a rebel. he doesn't care what the senior watchers think no time for politics he just gets the job done. (*small sad rye voice* I care a lot what the senior watchers think actually. a pathetic amount, in fact. it just rarely seems like it helps anything at all) I heard he graduated almost top of his class even though he spent all his time as a student partying up in the city and having a torrid affair with the son of a noble family. sometimes in his spare time he wears a cool punk leather jacket but like the fantasy version of that. he has tattoos apparently but no one's seen them for years. yuh-uh it's true too, I know someone who knows someone he dated once. they say he saw a knife fight once. like, in a bar brawl, with living people. all that, and he's even sneakily emotionally unavailable. *starry-eyed sigh* what a dreamboat'.

needless to say this only grows worse with the events of the game, after he takes out the formless one and rumours start to spread that he maybe killed a god or something too???? and this being nevarra, more importantly he's out there killing dragons with his sworn companions?? like a fucking fairytale prince but with that devil-may-care rebellious streak???? he's the safely unavailable first crush at a distance of many a young watcher. now imagine the reaction when he shows up home for the first time in a year after the war of the banners accompanied by The one true bad boy fantasy to rule them all: literally the sad brooding crown prince of the crows of antiva in leather pants who has WINGS and a dark tortured side of his nature that he has to constantly battle against for the sake of those he loves.

(the perception vs. reality situation for both of these characterizations is. so unspeakably hilarious needless to say. consider how much of the above lucanis characterization is accurate to the person he actually is and then you've basically found the level of distortion lens being applied to rye as well. is most of it technically true? sure. 'technically' is having to do a whole world of heavy lifting there tho fhdfska)

what I'm really saying here is that there is a subsection of this group that's been ferociously writing rye/lucanis rpf from the moment they were seen trotting down into the necropolis depths together (other pairings within the lighthouse gang as a whole, caught in tantalizing glimpses as they visit the necropolis, of course having their own devotees), and when this fandom subgroup eventually discover they were right it's with all the insane glee of a sixteen year old fanfic writer on wattpad (is that still where the kids are these days. idk i'm getting old folks) finding out that their dark mafia prince AU is basically true. varric might be gone but the legacy of friendfiction lives on after him. the king of thedas rpf being the shoulders of titans that young watchers are standing on to write fevered WILDLY inaccurate depictions of the private life of two of the most low-key domestic quietly devoted and undramatic people on the continent, one of them being varric's own poor little meow meow slash mentee, is something that can actually be so personal. rye does not end up terribly famous in the end considering the shit he manages to get done in this game, and he thanks his lucky stars for it. but to a tight-knit community of mourn watch fic writers he is blorbo from my apocalypse. it's all I could have wished for him.

(funniest possible outcome of all this: myrna gets so fucking tired of trying to understand what the novices are being so tittery about that she asks rye 'watcher ingellvar with the realization that this is a long shot and the admission that vorgoth and I have exhausted all other avenues of investigation: do you possess secret insight about what an 'x reader' is. and also 'ship war'. your name seems to come up in this context a surprising amount'. 9000000 points of incoming psychic damage about to hit the fan.)

[helpami-flaffy]

EPIC THE MUSICAL OPINIONS, VERY OPINIONS, VERY MINE.

IF YOU DON'T WANT SOME NEGATIVITY DON'T READ. THIS IS NOT PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE I SWEAR.

MOSTLY COMPILED AT NIGHT, SOME REVISION.

PLEASE DO NOT COME AT ME.

.....................

After this saga I'm left kind of perplexed about epic.

What is epic trying to say here? What's the musical's stance on ruthlessness?

Because it isn't very clear to me anymore.

Is it bad? Is it good and just? Is it a necessary evil? Is it worth becoming something monstrous just to achieve your goals?

The thing I'm trying to say is:

Is epic a tragedy or a triumph?

Until the vengeance saga I thought it was the former, but now I'm not so sure.

Throughout the story Odysseus takes desicions that either side with what I'll call the 'open arm mentality' or the 'ruthless' mentality.

He gets punished for both a number of times.

He kills Astianax so he doesn't have to fear his future vengeance.

He spares Polyphemus and that leads to 558 men dying.

He appeals to Circe's humanity and that leads her to freeing his men and helping him get to the underworld.

He sacrificed 6 men to Scylla and that leads to 'mutiny' and 'thunder bringer' where the rest of his crew dies and he ends up in calypso's island where she imprisoned him for 7 years.

First act of ruthlessness= good outcome

First act of open arms= bad outcome

Second act of open arms= good outcome

Second act of ruthlessness= bad outcome

(I forgot to add the sirens, that encounter is kinda strange tho.  Ody kills all of them but I wouldn't call that ruthlessness. Ruthlessness is doing whatever needs doing to get what you want. He needed to know how to get home, and killing the sirens after doesn't matter in that context. I guess it's good for future sailors? I'll count this as an altruistic positive I guess)

This breakdown isn't perfect, lots of other things happen and some things Ody does can't really be neatly categorized by this simple metric imo, but I'll continue anyway as it feels to me the story breaks down his actions in a sort of similar dichotomy.

All in all the 'good to bad' ratio seems pretty balanced, right? It's not always ruthlessness that wins the day, and 'open arms' solutions don't always work out.

So why does it feel like we're supposed to root for ruthless Odysseus? Why does it feel like the story wants us to believe that being the monster is a good if 'somewhat sad' outcome?

Why am I saying this? Well, it's 600 strikes.

Actually just- all the vengeance saga.

Why is what Ody does here supposed to be cool and awesome? Because, like, that is absolutely the angle here.

Complete with a, honestly absurd, anime power up and fighting-god-one-on-one moment.

Why does the story break down it's logic,  breaks suspension of disbelief (at least for me), to get Odysseus into a position were he can torture Poseidon into letting him go?

Wich?? Btw should not work??

Why is this how he wins?

Why are the ghosts of his friends and family no longer spectres of regrets for but terrifying promises of death?

What does this say? Was Odysseus wrong about their sacrifice? Was regret ever only a noose around his neck? I'm looking too deeply into this one lol.

In 'get in the water' we even get the obligatory appeal to Poseidon's mercy just to hammer down once again that 'open arms' doesn't work, even tho it's Athena's appeal to her father's mercy that set Odysseus free in the first place.

The saga ends with Poseidon asking Odysseus how he'll sleep at night after all of this and Ody, in admittedly the coldest line ever written on paper, says:

"Next to my wife"

...

This is cool.

Extremely cool even.

But that's kind of the problem I have with it.

The song ends in a badass way. This is meant to be the final zing to seal Odysseus' cool ass victory.

And in all of this, not once, does the story seem to recognize that...well...

Poseidon won.

Hell not even Poseidon recognized it!

I'm not even saying "OoOh if it was realistic Poseidon would have have won!" (Tho yeah, ask me about that, lol)

In the great ideological battle that's at the center of Epic: the musical, Poseidon was the ultimate victor.

Ruthless is what wins at the end, it's what gets Odysseus home. Odysseus might be a monster but he's a victorious one.

I feel people and the musical both don't really acknowledge that.

That even if Poseidon lost the battle he ultimately won the war.

Were is the irony? Where's the bitterness and sorrow? We're Poseidon's bloodied, mocking smirk revelling in his victory?

Is Epic a tragedy or a power fantasy?

[swiftiethatlovesf1]

Regaining ourselves

Hii, this is part 2 of regaining myself, I hope you enjoy my take on it. Btw this is based on the race in Austria about seven months approx after the first part

As Lando stands on his side of McLaren's hospitality, he can't help but watch you standing there with Oscar's arms around your body. "Oscar is not that funny," he thinks bitterly as he watches you laugh at what Oscar whispers in your ear. Jealousy creeps in, fueled by anger and a sense of betrayal. "Really, my teammate? How dare you, and him," Lando curses under his breath.

On the other side of the hospitality...

Even as Oscar's arm brings warmth and calmness to your body, you can't help but feel a pang of guilt for Lando. Neither you nor Oscar expected this to happen, but you’re glad it did. It all began when you went back to McLaren's factory to return Lando's belongings, avoiding his apartment and any confrontation. Oscar was there, caring and comforting, and you couldn't help but confide in him about your situation with Lando. From his genuine concern blossomed a strong friendship, which eventually turned into a loving relationship.

As you gaze into Oscar's brown eyes, you feel a surge of happiness. He’s everything you need and deserve. "Good luck with your race. I'll be waiting for you right here," you say, kissing him goodbye as he heads off to get ready. You're getting used to this—being able to show affection to your partner without feeling like a dirty secret.

The race is exhilarating. Lando battles alongside Max until both crash, resulting in a DNF for him but paving the way for Oscar to secure second place. Despite feeling sorry for Lando, you can't help but cheer for Oscar's achievement. Standing at the podium ceremony feels like floating on cloud nine. When your eyes meet Oscar's, you blush and smile as he lifts his trophy and points at you.

But it seems your happiness is always short-lived. As you wait for Oscar to shower off the champagne, loud knocking startles you. It's Lando.

"Lando, what are you doing here?" you ask, trying to keep the situation calm.

Lando laughs bitterly. "I should be the one asking you that. You didn’t have enough ruining our relationship; now you need to ruin my life here in the paddock?" he spits with venom.

"I'm not your problem anymore. How am I offending you now? Is my being happy and in a stable relationship such a problem for you?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Y/N. You expect me to believe this isn't a ruse to make me jealous?"

You sigh, feeling a sad sense of déjà vu. "I see you haven't learned to hear me out after all these months," you say, sadness lacing your words, which only fuels his anger further.

"Just admit you're using Oscar to get back at me. It’s making you look desperate."

This is the last straw. "I'm sorry, Lando, that we didn't work out and that we've lost our bond. I admit I miss you, as a friend. But I'm even more sorry that you can't recognize what Oscar and I share: love—something that seems to be lacking in your life. And I'm tired of feeling sorry for moving on."

Lando stares at you, speechless, as if seeing you for the first time. The silence is broken by Oscar emerging from his driver's room. "Is everything alright?" he asks, moving in front of you protectively, maintaining eye contact with Lando.

As if seeing life through new eyes, Lando feels a pang of regret. Regret for risking his race out of anger, for exploding at everyone who tried to help him, for blaming Oscar for "stealing" you, and most of all, for how he treated you. "I'm sorry for everything," Lando says, his voice breaking. "For ignoring you when we were together, for never hearing you out, for blaming you for leaving as if you were a possession. I'm sorry for how stupid I've been and how angry I've been at you."

Tears threaten to fall from your eyes as hope fills your heart. "I know I have work to do, but I hope you can forgive me and maybe we can regain our friendship. It's been killing me, losing you."

You can't help but hug him. "I would love to go back to being friends."

As you leave the paddock hand in hand with Oscar, Lando watches you kiss him. This time, it’s not jealousy he feels but happiness for his two friends and the love they share.

[theallianceofcelestials]

Okay, so apparently people have been harassing Kat, Earth's VA because they... don't like the characters she plays and how she writes for the show? The actual fuck?

Like don't get me wrong, perfectly fine to look at a character and decide you don't like them, even hate them potentially, but you don't go and harass the people responsible for making the character. That's just plain dumb. I hate/dislike characters from some of the shows (Bonnie from Moon and Sun Minecraft for example), but that doesn't give me the right to go and harass their VAs. BECAUSE IT'S JUST A CHARACTER FOR A SILLY LITTLE SHOW PEOPLE MAKE FOR FREE! IT'S NOT THAT SERIOUS! Sure I may rant about the character, but NEVER badmouth the actor, because them being able to achieve such a visceral reaction out of me by just looking at the character, makes them so incredibly talented.

Like how can you be so fucking terminally online, that you decide to harass someone because "I Don't LiKe ThE chaRacTeR"?! Like that's no valid reason to do that! Go and touch some god fucking grass, my god! I swear it's actually good for you!

Like this is just straight up disgusting behaviour in general. It's unacceptable, and shows just how much of a coward these people actually are, because there're no consequences for THEM. And well, they clearly don't fucking care about their fellow human beings, so like jfc.

And like the shit Kat does is for FREE! She doesn't charge us money for her services! She just went and did some amazing stuff for us, and now some idiots're feeling butthurt because they hate female characters or something.

I sincerely hope it was only a couple of individuals at worst, and a single person at best, because my faith in humanity is already rather fragile, and this is just ridiculous and pathetic.

So like, if by some miracle the person/people who harassed Kat is/are reading this, I want you to know this says more about to how sad and pathetic you actually are, and how you peaked back on the playground as a bully and didn't manage to develop into an actual fucking person, than it does anything about Kat. I hope you realise just how stupid you are, but I know you likely won't. Because people like you lack brains, so you can't comprehend basic fucking concepts like how the sky is blue, and 2 + 2 is 4. Or how grass is not your fucking enemy.

This isn't about just just Kat, because from what I've heard, other female characters' actresses get similar bs, and their characters get tremendous ammount of hate compared to male characters that potentially did incredibly horrid stuff, but I don't really follow the other TSBS to know what's going on. But my gods. That's so disappointing.

Why are fandoms nowadays so toxic? Back in my day, and I'm not that old myself either, and joined fandoms later than most people in said fandoms, since I'm a not native english speaker, but back in the day fandoms were so much more positive. Sure, there was the toxic minority, but they were just that. Loud small group of jerks. Like when did we start catering to these people? When did we decide that these toxic people were whom we should listen to, and explain every little thing we do to them? Like why do I have to explain why I like villian characters or whatever to internet strangers? I think people are more than smart enough to realise morality should not be taken from media!

And when did fanart and fanfic start becoming expectation, something the fanfic writer has to do, the fanart artist has to do? Instead it being the expression of joy and feelings the consumed media gave them? When did shipping become life or death? When did a headcanon or an AU become so fucking serious that lives apparently depend on it with how people jump eachother? Why can't we just relax and have fun? Like do what fandom is meant for?

This is obviously not for the people who didn't do any of this shit, but the fact I need to clarify that or someone will get offended is disheartening. Like people please deal with your anxieties! If it's not your shirt, don't put it on as a saying in my native tongue goes!

Sorry for the angry rant, it's just so disappointing, especially because Kat is such a talented person! I really enjoy how she plays these characters and I love her writing! So I thank her for deciding to not just quit altogether, no matter how understandable that would have been! I hope stepping back will make things better!

I just hope her mental health doesn't have to suffer more, because this shouldn't have happened to her in the first place. She's been doing amazing work, for free I'll say once again, and I'll forever cherish it! I hope things get better for her!

If by some miracle this reaches Kat, thank you for sticking with us for as long as you have! I hope things'll get better for you! Take care of yourself! :)

[avelera]

I definitely don't need more WIPs right not for Dreamling, but sometimes it is fun to brainstorm a total nonsense fanfic-y premise played totally straight, which is why I'm fondly remembering the Cinderella Dreamling AU I brainstormed on one of the servers.

(Canon Divergence AU, because that's how I roll)

2022 rolls around and Hob and Dream are friends. Just... friends. Hob would love there to be more. He sometimes suspects, more like wishes really hard, that Dream would like more but, as usual, the guy isn't talking if he does. And Hob is too chicken to ruin the friendship they finally achieved to do something so uncouth as proposition his oldest friend.

He comes to the sad and perhaps inevitable conclusion that Dream has had all the chances in the world to say something so the only conclusion is that Hob's just not that interesting to him in that way. Stands to reason. The more Hob learns about the Dreaming and Dream's fantastical realm and all his adventures, the more Hob's almost single-minded dedication to living a normal life despite his immortality seems a bit... dull.

Enter Desire. Or Death. Or both. This is fanfic-y nonsense, after all, the point is there is a device and the device is our fairy god-person who is also sick to death of watching Dream pine from afar but is also a huge fan of chaos.

They (let's go with Desire for now, even if the trope is a bit overplayed, because it seems like their sort of thing) offer Hob a proposal. The chance to go into the Dreaming each night to woo Dream. Best of all, it will be with Desire's protection of his identity and a small amount of magic to create a persona for wooing Dream that won't be immediately obvious.

Oh, also, Dream is throwing a big fuck-off bash for Faerie or some other Dreaming ally so there's gonna be a party for weeks up there. Perfect place to slip in a new stranger. (Hob is a little charmed by the idea that he gets to be the stranger for once.)

Enter: the Knight of Roses.

Basically, Hob creates a persona into which he pours all of charm, wit, and courtier's polish from 600s years of life. If nothing else, he's having the time of his life at what is essentially a fancy magical masquerade ball where he gets to try his damndest to sweep Dream off his feet.

And it seems to be working. Hard to tell with Dream. But each night, Dream seems excited to see the Knight of Roses again.

(It is working. It's working very very well. The Dreaming is awash in flowers. Dream spends every waking moment he's not at the ball pacing his quarters, interrogating his subjects as to how in the world he can't get to the bottom of who this is, and every person who could nominally be considered his friend including his siblings and subjects are tearing their hair out with how sick they are of hearing about the Knight of Roses.

Hob doesn't hear about it though in the waking because Dream is in love with him and doesn't want to ruin any chance they might have together someday by agonizing over a mysterious guest who is probably some trick sent by Desire or Lucifer or someone to mess with Dream. He has no idea how right he is and how wrong he is not to bring it up to Hob.)

Secret Identity shenanigans ensue, of course, until we hit a breaking point with drama, tears, etc etc the usual for the trope because of course (gasp!) Hob is the Knight of Roses and there never was any need to create a separate persona because Dream was also agonizing over whether Hob was interested and Hob was so chill around him he assumed he was misreading all the signs. (Hob was working so, so hard to appear that chill around Dream.) Identities are unmasked and everyone lives happily ever after.

(But Hob is keeping the outfit once they're officially together, because Dream really, really liked the romance of the whole Knight of Roses identity but he likes it even more now that he knows it's Hob and not an evil trap laid by one of his enemies.)

[rewh0re]

—968 words, angst, death, deep talks about life, cemeteries. yea ig that's it. yea also wrote this at 3 am guys i am mighty sleep deprived

a/n; atp I'm doing everything BUT studying or writing my gojo fic :D (gojo fic someday you'll see the light till then this megumi angst has to compensate for it) REBLOGS + FEEDBACKS ARE APPRECIATED!!

megumi can never truly forget that memory.

he remembers clear blue skies and the occasional chirping of birds along with the flapping of their wings. white clouds slowly drifting in the air and dragonflies hovering over the grass. the trees were green and lush, the leaves gently rustling due to the cool breeze which could mean one thing alone—the advent of spring. there was a silence that washed his body with a strange type of peace, a peace he had never quite known, that he had just allowed himself to feel. and there was a presence—you—standing beside him, looking at the unknown grave, head tilted slightly and hands deep in your pockets.

he couldn't help but think—there was so much life bursting amidst a place that housed the dead.

megumi never liked cemeteries. they made him sad, unhappy, gloomy in a way. but you found a certain peace in them. to walk in silence, looking at the many graves—you had said it calmed one's soul. made one think. made one feel grateful for their life.

"it's almost amusing, don't you think?" you had asked, breaking your silence.

"dead people amuse you now?" megumi looked over at you to find you still looking at the grave. how could it ever be amusing to look at a stranger's grave? he swore that sometimes even you didn't understand what you were saying.

"no idiot," you shook your head, a little chuckle bursting out of your throat as your eyes locked with his.

"what i mean is," you sighed "that these people, they were people, like you and me. they had dreams and hopes and aspirations. they worked hard for their passions and hoped to achieve so much through their efforts. isn't it awful how many of these people might never have reached their dreams? their lives cut short as they were snatched away from their own loved ones?"

you ruffled your hair before crossing your arms, "i find it unfair. isn't it unfair? how you never know what will happen? how you, me—all of us—will just become another memory to be forgotten? how we'll just become dust, become one with the earth? our names, just some carvings on some stones and even then—everything will just go on as it is. life will go on. we're just lone stars burning out in the massive universe."

megumi could only look at you. you had that effect on him, rendering him speechless through your words alone. a few seconds passed before he finally found his voice again.

"well," he began, tone laced with a certain gentleness that only showed itself in your presence. "i see it more like the beauty of life. we're here and then we're not. we live and we love and we thrive and we falter. it's the way of life, or the rule of life, whatever you call it. i think that's why we have to make sure we make the most of it. life is unpredictable and that's what makes it so thrilling."

"i think you're right—well—in a way at least. i've learnt to cherish my life. i think with you by my side, i can stand strong and proud and i can live. i'm glad you found me and i found you and i'm glad that we're always by each other's side," you smiled up at him, nudging his shoulder.

"always?"

"always."

wasn't that the promise you made?

it was like looking through a glass window, so vividly was that day's image imprinted on his mind. he wanted to break that glass and take a hold of that memory and relive it again and again and again if it meant he could have you by his side. he definitely would do that if he could.

life is not really beautiful he learnt after he started visiting the cemetery more often. it was cruel, it was ruthless, it filled one with agony and suffering and pain. oh, so much pain.

he never looked at random graves anymore like he did before with you. no, he looked at just one. the name etched on the stone with a few leaves scattered at the base—l/n y/n.

it hurt, it truly did. through you, megumi learnt love and loss, he learnt heartbreak and grief and what it felt like to cry in the middle of the night wishing for you to hold him close and whisper i'm here. you never were though, you wouldn't be there anymore, you wouldn't cradle him and card your fingers softly through his hair or wipe his tears or kiss his worries away. you wouldn't and that was reality and he had to live with that reality.

megumi learnt through you how promises were only made to be broken—knowingly or unknowingly.

but you taught him how to love and to be loved, how to find beauty and peace in the mundane, how to dream big and how to care, to be kind.

he loved you but he had to let you go. alas, you wouldn't want him to be stuck, frozen in a place where darkness loomed and nothing but sheer heartache reigned supreme. maybe it was true that a part of him was gone. maybe it was true that he would never feel truly and completely whole again. but he could swear your ghost would curse at him if he didn't at least try to move forward.

so he laid a bouquet of white carnation at the base of your grave, uttering a silent prayer.

"always." he brought his index and middle finger to his lips and then placed it on the top of the headstone before standing up, burying his hands deep in his coat pockets.

"always." he whispered, letting his words get carried by the air before turning around to walk away.

[inbarfink]

In regards to Silias Mann, I'm not comprehensively versed in tf2 lore. But in this comic, zephaniah tells Elizabeth to care for his son, which she asks "don't you mean sons?". He clarifies only one brother will be the champion and the other one basically forgotten in a grave outside. So if he considers himself an only son, that tracks with the Mann family's fratricide tradition. Silas might be his brother, who lost.

I mean, I've heard a few variants of the "Silas Mann is Zepheniah's brother who he 'disposed' of already and therefore refuses to acknowledge his existence' theory but they don't click right with me for two reasons:

Silas' only canonical not-Horsemann appearance is at the rightmost portion in the Mann Family Photograph

A photograph which is apparently a Real Physical Canonical Object as of "The Days Have Worn Away"

(We know/assume this is Silas because that rightmost part of the picture was first revealed during the Scream Fortress Horsemann update, when you press on Silas' name on the gravestone)

This picture depicts Silas as a living aged man (or Mann, as the case may be) during Zepheniah's twilight years (with the Administrator already in his service and the twins already adults). So Silas having been killed before the First Administrator Flashback Scene really doesn't make any sense as, like, a basic timeline thing.

(And if we're to assume that this is a ghostly apparition rather than a confirmation Silas was still alive during the mid 1800's... why would he appear so old? If he was Zepheniah's brother that he killed before even meeting the Administrator, he should be a young man?)

2. But more importantly....Sure, Zepheniah will only acknowledge the Mann who will dispose of his brother as his true son but... he does also acknowledge the existence of the 'unworthy' siblings his father and grandfather got rid of on their way to the top. They are not totally forgotten, at least as achievements of the 'True Heirs'

Zepheniah clearly sees the concept of killing your own sibling to farther yourself in life as an inherently noble one, something to brag about and remember. After all, that's why he says it's 'sad' that he was an only son. He wishes he had a sibling to kill as a way to prove himself.

So the idea that he did have a brother and that he had already 'disposed' of him by the time of this scene, and instead of bragging about it in legally non-incriminating terms he decided to outright wipe all traces of this event from living memory.... Well, to me that just feels flat-out Out of Character with the way Zepheniah is characterized in "The Days Have Worn Away"

And, well, something being OOC is a lot more damning to a theory than just lore/timeline inconsistencies in a story whose whole point is "The Lore and Overarching Plot were ultimately meaningless, what truly matters are the characters"

I thought about it for a bit, I think the only explanation that makes sense to me right now is that Silas Mann was not Zepheniah's brother, but instead a distant cousin. The surviving son or grandson of the one of the siblings of Ebenezer or Ezekiel (or maybe even related from someone farther up the family tree?). Since he's more distantly related, he had much less claim over the Mann fortune and Zepheniah might have not been initially aware of him and/or acknowledged him as a threat.... well, at least at first.

(Since he did get buried in the Traditional 'Loser' Mann style according to the Halloween Update and he is the Horseless Headless Horsemann I assume he did not die of natural causes and Zepheniah was probably to blame. It just happened later.)

[lillysilvermoon]

What your spirit team wishes you saw in yourself?

Pile 1

First of all: your got a LOT os cups, and one of the signs was Pisces, so maybe this is some kind of confirmation for some here, but your spirit team want you to know that your kindness, your sensibility are not a weakness, you regulate your emotions SO MUCH better than you give yourself credit, you really should stop and look back to your past and say to yourself "man.. I have come a long way, I'm pretty good right now" because it's seems like you have experienced so much loss, depression, financial stress and even some abuse os substances (just a few of you, definitely very specific) and look at you now???? If you could seed how people see you... your spirit guides are so proud because, you think you not but you recovered from so much things, you healed so many things.

You are full of new ideas and you are so quick to go after them, specially related to money, if not now, you will be so stable in the future, like, maybe you are in a period of stagnation but soon this will pass and a lot of financial blessings are coming, and they REALLY REALLY wishes you could see how capable you are, you should give more credit for your ideas because they are AWESOME, whatever you are thinking right now: DO IT, it's what will give you so much happiness and money. I'm talking to much about money so I think you worry about this, well, you have all the capacity to live the life you want, to do what you are thinking right now - because I KNOW you are and IT'S GREAT, it's so f*cking awesome and WILL WORK.

I fell you ask to much about your healing and recovery process, and it is this, a process. They wish you could see how far you have come and how much far you will, but you need to have patience. They wish you could see like they see, the big picture, everything you want emotional and financial is possible to achieve, you are so capable you just have to believe in yourself. You have the ideas and the capacity to go after what you want AND GET IT. They want you to know that the happiness you always dreamed about, all this good moments, full of laught and happiness are right at the corner, please make the first step. You.Can!

Signs: Pisces, Gemini and cancer, 2 and 9, Pluto, mars, ascend node, mermaids and dolphins, water places, spring, flowers, books.

P.S: if you are going to some kind of blockage right now: it's will pass, you just need to recovery and so many ideas are coming!!!!!!

P.S²: I think some of you are really craving emotional happiness and stability, happy moments and just happiness in general: your spirit team want you to know that this are coming so so soon, please please please hang there just a bit more, you got the nine and the ten of cups, the ly wish you could see all the happiness that are coming to you, don't lose your faith, you are not alone, they here EVERYTHING you ask and pray for, those things are coming to you soon, they promise (I'm feeling so happy and at the same time so sad and I think it's you so please know: it is coming, this happiness you always dreamed are coming!!!)

Pile 2

I don't know if some of all works with angels or archangels but, you definitely have them in your spirit team!

Your spirit team whises you could see the progress you have done, you probably was holding on to people or situation that weren't good or healthy to you, and even made you have some financial problems and bad change os circumstances, but you putted yourself together and took action, people admire the faith you have and you should think about this more because have faith is hard, not everyone are able to do it easily the way you do. The wish you could see how strong, independent and diligent you are, so many people value your opinions.

The new beginning you have been waiting for so long are coming: for most of you it's a romantic new beginning, but for a good amount is just new relationships, yall were really attached to some toxic people, and you probably felted alone and wished when you would have cool people in your life, your spirit team saw all of this and here is your answer: they are coming, new people and friends are coming to you, got out and socialize, they want you to know to not be scared, the people you meet will kind and with good hearts, I promise (you can come here to tell me if this happens, I will be SO HAPPY to here about your new friends (or lovers?👀). They want you to know that the Divine Love you were wishing for are almost with you, they are doing there on inner work BUT it's finally at the end and you will meet them soon (this is a soulmate just you to know😊❤️).

Harmony and domestical happiness are coming too so if was having fights un your house, don't worry peace is coming.

Signs: 8, 4, 12, Pisces, scorpio and cancer, ascended node, Venus, mercury, beach, clubs, library, Journaling, parks and picnics.

P.S: I felt like I shouldn't use the second tarot but at the end I was hearing like "take three" and I got The Lovers (so yes, it's coming in case you were doubting - I think you doubt about this a lot and they REALLY wish you could see how close you are to meet them. And they also wish you could see how kind your are, you have no idea how many people you have helped just being you, even if it was for 5 minutes you made their day, give some credit for the incredibly person you are.

Pile 3

YOUR CARDS ARE SO FREAKING GOOD OMG😭😭🥺🫶🫶🫶🫶

Okay let's start!!!! First of all, why you poorly about yourself.??????? Your team thinks you are SO GREAT, like really wait its too much information!!!!! You will get EVERYTHING you dreamed about, I think you are into manifestation?? You are truly good AND YOU JUST DON'T BELIEVE you manifested so many things and you don't even realize that lmao they wish you could see how proud they are (and you should be too!!!!!!!) Really, they wish SO BADLY you could see how many things are coming, you are so good at it please PLEAAAAAAASE have a little more faith in your capabilities. Now back to what I was saying first: you always get in any situation with your 2 feet, in a deep level your heart and soul are being nourished and I think you had to be for in the anonymity, maybe you are quite famous in some social media, but you took time and your image are suffering. The want tou to know that this is the best to do now.

Like Pile 2 you are so intelligent and truthful, you are such a good communicator and clear boundaries, I think you didn't had this in the past, well your boundaries are very good now and they are proud and want you to know this. You are also such a good business man/woman, you take care of your finances very well (I think in the past you heard about others people's experiences and chose your field seriously, gained intellectual knowledge, you payed attention in their failures and success and why they went the way they did and what you might do differently. They are so proud of you and want you to know that so many good things are coming to you (The World) really, they wish you could see how many things you will accomplish.

Signs: expensive bags (? I liked this 🤣)? 6,8,5, Aries, scorpio and Taurus, luxury lifestyle, quiet luxury, photography, Ralph Lauren (I wasn't going to write this one but when I was passing I felt a ring SO LOUD on my ears....) travels and cooking (I saw a big kitchen with white decor and was autumn, very cozy vibes)

[kyriat-stories]

- ... and then she spat the polenta straight into my face, and giggled!

Noor was sharing the adventures of trying to give her newest grandchild, little Simadhne, solid food.

- Like mother like daughter, Eira said, because I remember Areth doing exactly the same a long time ago.

- Well, to my defense, I don't like polenta, Areth tried to say.

- You ungrateful child, Noor laughed. Little Simadhne will teach you a lesson or two about the injustice of the world, I'm sure. Now hush off and get your vegetables so I can have a private talk with your auntie.

- She will become a wonderful mother, Eira commented. She is so much like you. It must be wonderful to have her so close.

- Yes, things have turned out so well for our family. I'm really happy for her. How are things with Khara? Any hope for a grandchild?

- Not that I know of, but you know, it's still early, they just got married.

- Do you think they might stay? Or do you think she will follow Samuel back to Kastanea?

- I don't know. Samuel is now the rightful owner of Kyria Figélia's house, but he will still need to work. They can't live on his savings forever. So I am a bit worried.

- And Bansabira, any news there?

- Nope, still single and living at home. She is filling her days with artwork and studies, but she needs a family. I've suggested a few candidates, but she is not interested. I worry about her.

- Hmmm.

- Is that what our lives going to be from now on Noor? Worrying constantly about our children? Even as grown ups?

- Probably, Noor laughed. But at least Areth and Phaidros are doing well and are both married with children now. Tychon is still living at home, but he is surprisingly popular with the ladies, despite the fact that he is a real slob. I honestly don't understand what they see in him, but I will not be surprised if he gets married early. And he has a good job in construction, so he will be all right.

- And Myrto?

- Oh Myrto, my little heart. Eira, she is really special. Of course they all are, but she is one of a kind. So lighthearted, so funny and quick-witted. Still innocent, yet open to the world. She reminds me of myself at her age. She is a dreamer, but she is still young, she will be fine. I hope. At least at the moment I'm not worried about her. But...

- But what?

- Honestly, I am really worried about Teo and Mpatíni. I can't put my finger on it, but there is something going on between them.

- We've all experienced some marital disagreements, don't you think it will pass?

- No, this is not a simple marital quarrel. The don't talk, they seem to avoid each other. It's been developing over years now. Ever since Iliouloùsta came to us, but I don't believe it has to do with her. They both seem to love her very much. We all do.

- Whatever it is, there is not much we can do about it, is there? They will have to work it out for themselves.

- You are right of course. I'm just sad to see them so unhappy.

- What about you Noor, are you happy?

- Me? Yes of course! What kind of question is that?

- I mean, we've been talking about our children back and forth now, but what about you, are you happy with your life?

- What do you mean? Why shouldn't I be happy? All my children are doing well, well most of time anyway, so...?

- Yes I know, but what about your life? Do you feel satisfied with what you have achieved? Do you think life is worth living?

- Eira, you always complicate things! Of course life is worth living, what a silly thing to say! I'm fine, the family is fine, you are fine. It's just small worries. It's normal. Hey, wait! Are you not feeling well? Is there something wrong with you that you are not telling me?

- No, no, I'm okay. It's just... Well sometimes I feel that something is missing in my life. Never mind, maybe it will be better if I get grandchildren. Something to focus on. At least Polykarpos is dating

- Oh is he now?

- Yes there seems to be a new girl every week, so I don't know if he will settle down or anything like that. We will just have to wait and see. I had hopes for Khara and Samuel, but...

- What about Yousif?

- Yousif? Kyrios Eláïom? What about him?

- Are there any news?

- No, he is still in Kastanea according to Samuel. I don't think he will ever come back here. The long journey... And he is not a young man after all.

- You miss him.

- Miss him? I really don't... Okay he is a nice man, and I miss the conversations.

- Eira, surely it must be allowed to admit that you like him? Even if you're well into adulthood, it's okay to fall in love, isn't it?

- No, my goddess, in love?! Ugh, how embarrassing. That's for young people. Stop teasing me.

- I'm not teasing. You are in love, you miss him and you want him in your life. That's why you are asking all these silly question about life worth living and such high-flying philosophical stuff. Be honest! If not with me, so at least with yourself!

- Don't be silly!

- Just think about it. Send him a message! Maybe he feels the same? Maybe he will give up everything in Kastanea just to be with you?

- Oh Noor, you are such a romantic dreamer. That will never happen.

- Sister, have a little faith. Contact him. What is there to loose?

- I'm just realistic.

- More like fatalistic.

- Look! There is Kyria Anaktoría! Let's say hello!

- The fact that you are avoiding the topic proves my point.

- Phff..

.

Previous (Chapter 11) | Index | Character overview | Next

[yuseirra]

Kamiki's mentality- an analysis(post 162)

Hello! :) I'm back..with an analysis of what I think this character must have been feeling, I always need to come up with some type of interpretations to make fan work... some sort of base I could work with. The new chapter was really confusing, right? I've been struggling to make do of it since I encountered it, here's what I make of it, until the new chapter would drop and I get new information.

If you're fond of this character.. or want to see just what the heck he may be feeling, and what's going on in his head, I can't say my interpretations may be the best but it may help you form your own thoughts on this guy. He's a really hard nut to crack but I think I do get how he felt about Ai, and what he struggled to do to an extent. Or what they were trying to go for by having him say those things. Things can overlap with the things I already said, and I incorporate my interpretations into my fanworks too so you may see some things in common~

Really…

If we remove the contradictory descriptions and align it with the song, when trying to roughly understand Kamiki’s psyche:

About this whole idea about Kamiki feeling the "weight of life"—this may sound like some strange nonsense (I feel the same way), but when it comes to him saying such things about Ai, I feel like I somewhat understand what he means.

This isn't about worship or idolization. No, Kamiki doesn’t kill someone for the sake of making Ai an unbeatable idol. I wonder if anyone still gets confused about this. But no, that's not it. Kamiki's reasoning on this is different from Nino's;

It feels more like Kamiki wanted to truly feel Ai's existence. It's a subtle difference, but it's there. He wanted Ai to be alive, but since she isn't, he resorted into trying to feel her existence by increasing her significance and presence, by doing what he did. (I don't know how it would, but according to his belief, this can be achieved by taking down people who can surpass Ai-probably people with the star eyes-)

That’s what it seems like too, based on how it’s phrased from his own perspective.

Ai is dead, but Kamiki couldn’t bear it, so he probably wanted to feel something similar to the feeling of Ai being alive, or at least something close to it. Did he really kill them though? Really? Seriously? Well, it hasn't been fully revealed yet, so I'll hold off on judgment on that for now.

If Ai were alive, Kamiki wouldn’t have acted this way. Over time, Kamiki couldn’t accept that Ai’s presence was fading away, and he wanted to keep her memory alive within him forever, so he acted like this.

But how did Kamiki come to think this way? I don’t think he would’ve reached this kind of belief on his own. Wasn’t there someone who hinted to him that by doing this, he could get closer to Ai? Because… how would Kamiki have known to approach specific people, with those exact conditions? Someone must have told him—maybe the 'black star.' Could he have come up with this idea on his own? And to believe that acting this way would bring him closer to Ai, from the start?

When you look at the lyrics of "Mephisto," at first Kamiki was doing something that could be considered somewhat theoretically logical—he wanted to exchange his life for Ai’s. But at some point, it warped into "becoming like Ai." When did things start to twist like this? What could have driven him to this point? His original personality seemed so gentle…

It’s like he kept saying, "I want to see her, I want to see her," and when that wasn’t possible, he changed direction. That’s how the whole narrative feels concerning the song, right?

"Mephisto" is definitely not about Aqua. It’s not. Because Ruby is still alive. In fact, Aqua giving his life would take him further from Ruby, and the sentiment behind this song is completely different.

Kamiki is definitely insane, but there’s something sad about it too.

Kamiki desperately wants to keep sending something, anything, to Ai, even though she’s gone. But no matter what he does, nothing will ever reach her. So, no matter what he does, his longing remains unfulfilled.

The lyrics of "Fatal" really capture Kamiki’s feelings perfectly. I also think "Mephisto" is his song. He keeps saying, "Watch me, I want to hear your voice, I want to reach you." It’s about his feelings for the dead, so it couldn’t have turned out any other way. He misses her so much, but it’s impossible to meet her. He can't have any of these things to be fulfilled or bear fruit, but he simply couldn't stop continuing to feel this way about Ai.

After Ai died, Kamiki couldn’t live a normal life anymore. But what exactly drove him over the edge in his despair? Did he go insane by himself, or was there something else influencing him? I can’t be sure. To go this mad, it feels like the latter. Because if it were just his original personality, he would’ve probably chosen to quietly follow Ai in death on his own without harming others. But it feels like something tempted him, pushing him away from that path. Even in the early parts of "Mephisto," it seems more… moderate? But then again, you see mentions of blood, so it feels like he may have already done something quite early on. Maybe he initially believed he could bring Ai back to life, but at some point realized it was impossible—by then, though, he’d already done too much to turn back.

After Ai died, Kamiki probably felt so empty that he couldn’t feel anything at all. I actually got this right in my fancomics even before 162 came out, you know? (One example) After Ai died, Kamiki couldn’t find meaning in anything, and from then on, whatever he did, it was all for Ai. He couldn’t feel alive without her. So, he did everything he could to reach her, to get closer to her.

In the end… Kamiki just wanted to see Ai again so badly that he didn’t know what else to do. That’s what these feelings are.

Sigh… When I analyze a character and create fan art, I have to emotionally align myself with them. More than just knowing theoretically, I need to feel a bit of what this emotion is like to understand it, so that I can write dialogue, draw expressions, and bring the character to life. It’s like locking onto their emotional wavelength.

So, the characters I’m good at handling are somewhat limited by series because I need to be able to do that to draw them.

This… feels like I can almost sync up, but it’s hard. These emotions are complicated. Very painful too.

You could see this as pitiful, but at the same time, it’s such a broken emotion.

Honestly, you only just need to listen to the songs. They’re filled with Kamiki’s emotions… Once you hear them, you instinctively understand what he’s feeling.

That’s why, after hearing "Fatal" in July, I’ve been analyzing, creating, immersed all the way up to now.

Kamiki really, truly misses her… But yes, there is madness in him.

I’ve done a lot of analysis, and so I derived Kamiki was originally a really good person. That’s pretty much confirmed in canon too, but… how do you save someone like this? Is he just beyond saving now?

I feel like there was something that drove Kamiki to this level of madness. Isn’t there the issue with the black star…? The lyrics constantly mention stars, and there's darkness coming from it as said in Fatal...

The sad part is that Kamiki didn’t fall apart just because of something bad happening to him. He broke down because he couldn’t bear Ai’s death… and the extent of his destruction is severe. To break Kamiki this badly, Ai had to die. Kamiki wouldn’t have gone this far if it were just him getting hurt or dying. That’s how I see it. Now, he’s definitely lost it. He couldn’t handle the idea of a world without Ai… That’s the impression I get now. He’s completely in ruin. It’s almost like something possessed him. It feels like something took root in Kamiki’s shattered heart. He wasn’t someone who could hurt others like this.

I knew, theoretically, that he’d be deeply broken, but to this extent, it’s like he’s a completely different person. It makes me wonder if this is even possible. His original personality was really good. This was based on my hunches, but seeing him described as noble confirms that I was right about him. I can think of two reasons for him being broken this bad: 1. he adored Ai so much that the blow was enormous, and… 2. there must have been something else. Just Ai’s death wouldn’t have immediately pushed him this far—there must have been a long-term destruction of his mind. Did he REALLY make a deal with the devil? There must be a reason why a song like Mephisto exists, it may be speaking on his behalf. Could be foreshadowing you know, whatever it is discussing, it STILL hasn't been touched!!

It feels like there’s more behind this. Why are they showing us nothing? Is this really not important? We need to see Kana’s graduation concert, and we have Aqua hurting himself and falling into the water… Shouldn’t the story start moving in that direction soon? There's so much to deal with in the story even without Kamiki; Couldn’t they just reveal it already? If it’s not important, why are there two songs, and why did Ai ask to save Kamiki? It feels like this isn’t the end yet, and the real mastermind if there is one, may be connected to all this…

Kamiki wasn’t someone who would’ve normally fallen apart like this. What could it be? Am I really on the right track? I feel like I’m going to be right. I’m really good at guessing things like this.

If Kamiki is really the embodiment of Sarutahiko…

Then he’s not someone who should die, right? Does it not matter because Ai is already dead?

If this is really the case though, if someone intentionally destroyed Kamiki, they would have a lot to gain from it. The domain he governs is incredibly powerful. He governs order, guides people’s futures, he’s a god of the land and light… If there’s a being that wants chaos and irrationality, Kamiki would be the perfect target. It feels like they kept him alive just to twist him, but they wouldn’t take the plot that far into fantasy, right?

I love mythology and fantasy, so if that’s the case, I think it’d be fun to see… haha. But it would be difficult to weave that into the story well.

Anyway… the fact that I’m searching for hope in mythology is really just me. But honestly, there are so many parallels. The strange, unnatural things happening around Kamiki can be explained through mythology. Otherwise, I have no idea what’s going on.

I’ve got a rough grasp on the emotions now, so I can probably draw him better. If I can’t get a handle on it, I can’t draw things properly.

The answers are all in the songs! The more I look into them, the more I’m amazed at how accurate they are, more than I first thought… They’ve captured Kamiki’s emotions so delicately and precisely. I’m in awe! The songwriters are really amazing! Hopefully, the things in the songs do get tackled. They seem very interesting to me and I'd love to see and learn more about it~