#I don’t see a lot of ‘SJ deserves redemption

[quan-yizhen]

I think Shen Qingqiu (Jiu) dying by Binghe’s hand and Binghe’s hand only was the plan all along and why I think he makes such an interesting villain and why I don’t think he needs “redemption.” because in his eyes LBH was his only equal left so if he absolutely had to fall by anyone…it would have to be from him. He (SQQ)—in his eyes—already won. There’s nothing to atone for.

Because here is the thing—In this hypothetical you are SQQ. An immortal peak master with massive imposter syndrome and an unchecked inferiority complex not at all helped by the only other person in the sect who is intimately aware of your background and also happens to be your superior and #1 enabler. Aforementioned enabler had abandoned you and is now in this dance of pity and poor communication (all directed at you) and not once do they explain themselves. A part of you doesnt really want them to, because surely the only options are ‘I forgot about you’ or ‘life was good and you weren’t worth going back for.’ So you’re also not giving them a chance to explain because having someone confirm out loud (‘you’re forgettable, you’re worthless’) what you already think about yourself is wicked work.

Anyway you receive upon your peak one day a prodigy of a student, who never has any family come visit or send gifts, who is so sweet and kind and has nothing to do with anything. So you kinda hate him for it. Because how can someone who clearly has no one and from what you know came from nothing and no where important pretend like everything is or will be fine? You know very well what the world does to people who have nothing and no one. So why is this brilliant student of yours determined to be so willfully ignorant? Why lie to yourself like that? And if there is one thing you hate more than anything, it’s liars (see: The Enabler.)

So you make the life of this random, completely innocent bystander hell.

You tell them in more ways than one ‘you are forgettable and you are worthless.’ Why? Because you want them to break character. You want them to wake up. You want them on your level because then that’d be at least one more person who is. That’d be one more person who gets it. And if they hate you for it, it would be justified. It would be a truth and you both would be at an understanding.

So years later when they do come back, and they are broken beyond all recognition, and they hate you, and they hate them, and everyone has to pay—they are finally on your wavelength. This isn’t someone better or more principled than you. This isn’t someone you perceive necessarily as being lesser or an insult to your “good nature.” It’s an equal. And there is nothing that you would want or respect more than to at the very least, die by the hands of an equal.

[alywrites]

I don’t care that Ju Gyeong ended with Suho. I think it makes perfect sense. She never once led Seojun on, and she was pretty respectful of his feelings when he confessed and tried to give dating him a chance. I actually do love them as friends. What I hate is that Seojun’s entire arc revolved around his love for Ju Gyeong and he didn’t really get a happy ending in the end, because we didn’t get to really see him getting over her. Also I hated that we had a pointless time skip just for some manufactured feels from JK and Suho breaking up. It was so stupid and I didn’t cry once for them because it was so obviously not going to mean anything. He came back, they got back together. Nothing really happened. I cried for Seojun’s heartbreak and when we saw Soojin again and she apologized. I cried a lot for JG when Soojin exposed her and when she rejected their friendship. But the stupid drama of Suho “leaving her” was only annoying.

What I would have liked to see instead:

- Seojun confessing in episode 14, before Suho’s dad gets sick. She rejects him, she’s apologetic, but we can spend 2 episodes watching Seojun moving on from her, maybe falling for someone else? But overall those two episodes would be about HIS growth, not his one sided love for a girl who has never shown any feelings for him besides friendship.

- a real redemption arc from Soojin. She was the “villain,” and I would’ve liked to see her go from being at her lowest to realizing what she did wrong. Still getting away from her father. Maybe we could see scenes of her in Haiti or have her helping somewhere in Korea. Maybe after she gets better a hint of her and Seojun being a thing? Regardless I wanted to see more of her, going back to being the effortlessly cool girl we were introduced to. Her friendship with JG was also so special, and I think it deserved more.

- I do like that we get to see Seojun debut, and the meaningful connection to his past. The whole season should’ve explored his connection to music so much more than they did with Suho. I didn’t see the point of Suho being Leo, and I think the debut scene would’ve been just as meaningful to Suho watching one of his best friends performing the song that his other best friend helped make. Seojun and the desire to debut could be in episode 15 and 16, and we can see it helping him move on from JG, and also making it so his story is more than just his feelings for the JG.

- Suho’s dad can still get sick, and Suho can still leave, but make it less time. I would’ve liked to see JG and him try and make the long distance relationship thing work and actually talk about it in episode 15. And Suho actually contacting Seojun and talking to him, not just disappearing from everyone’s lives for 2 years. Maybe come back after a year, in episode 16. The kids have graduated and are starting their lives after high school. No manufactured drama, but some stress on their relationship from the distance. JG has started working for Selena (I loved watching that in these episodes), Seojun is getting ready for debut, Soojin has had her redemption arc, still. JG and him can continue to be cute the way they were in episode 16.

- update on his dad? He came back to Seoul bc his dad was better but was supposed to return?? What happened to his dad? His dads Health??

- Seojun actually attending the wedding and having fun and enjoying himself with HIS FRIENDS. If he does have a romantic connection with Soojin, that would’ve been the perfect time to show it. Or it could’ve been where they meet again, no longer on opposing sides, maybe talk about how they got over JG and SH, and there could be a hint that there might be something more between them? (Seojun and Soojin are arguably the best characters in the show, and they both deserved so much better than what they got in the end. They don’t have to be romantically involved, but I would’ve liked for them to at least become friends.) But honestly it really hurt that he wasn’t in the wedding when HE WAS IN THE FRIEND GROUP. Seojun was busy with his debut yes, but the SJ we saw would have done whatever it took to be there with his friends (and honestly with JG) in this moment. Esp since JG’s sister is part of his management and then it was also his teacher getting married.

[megalony]

She’s a good girl- Part 7

Here is the next part in my murderer! Ben series, I hope you will all like what I have install, any feedback is always lovely.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem​ @butlegendsneverdie​ @langdonzvoid​ @jennyggggrrr​ @rogmeddows @radiob-l-a-hblah​ @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6​ @rogertaylors-lipgloss​ @sj-thefan​ @omgitsearly​ @luckytrashgooprebel​ @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac​ @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction @ambi-and-sunflowers @milanosaurus @httpfandxms @saint-hardy @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @mrsalwayswritex @rogerina-owns-me @peterquillzsblog @im-an-adult-ish @crazylittlethingg @allauraleigh

Series taglist: @onceuponadetectivedemigod​ @lelifesaver​​

Series masterlist

Summary: (Y/n) is a good girl from a church-going family and her brother, Joe is trying to put Ben behind bars. But when (Y/n) starts to fall for the dangerous killer, things get complicated.

Enjoy.

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"Are you ready?"

(Y/n)'s tired and rather distant eyes lifted from the paper in her hands to look at her father who was now out of the white robe he adorned earlier and was back in his black clothing with his white strip running through his collar. His eyes were soft and his smile showed the creases in his cheeks and underneath his own tired eyes but he looked much the same as he always had done. He didn't seem to age in (Y/n)'s eyes, even the new lines appearing in his skin didn't seem to make him look older. Only his glassy eyes showed his age because they had seen too much and tried too hard to help those in need.

Her lips moved from resting in a straight line to bending just a little at the corners like someone was trying to bend a ruler but couldn't quite manage it. Her expression was one of worry and contemplation, but not the kind that was normally on her features. (Y/n) didn't look half as worried as she sometimes did but this worry was like none other she had felt before.

When (Y/n) shook her head, she watched her father take a deep breath before placing his hand to the small of her back, guiding her over to the front row so they could take a seat in the alter and talk. Everything was packed away and everyone was either back home or outside chatting, Paul knew a few minutes in here would go unnoticed by everyone, they had the time.

"What's wrong, honey?"

Paul knew as well as (Y/n) did that this week's sermon seemed to hit her like no other. Sometimes he didn't have the time to notice how (Y/n) reacted to what he was saying, other times he could see her adoration and the way her eyes lit up and her body leaned forward so she could absorb every word he said. Only a few times more recently had he managed to see her and notice that she wasn't entirely here.

Sermons seemed to calm the whole family down, they didn't calm (Y/n) as much as they did when she was younger but they still clearly seemed to help her in some way and it made Paul happy to know her faith wasn't wavering.

"You talked about redemption earlier... do you think it's something we have to do on our own, or does he help us with it?" (Y/n) could feel the tears building up behind her eyes which she was trying so hard to keep there, she didn't want to cry right now, she didn't want her father to know how badly redemption was playing on her mind.

His sermon today wasn't focused solely on redemption but it came up a lot and it scared (Y/n). She grew up knowing that sins were hard to wash away, they were like paint, they could be covered up but they were still there, they didn't truly go away.

She wanted to know if getting rid of sins or coming to terms with them was something she had to face alone or if God and her faith could make it easier.

(Y/n) knew her father was contemplating asking her what sins she was talking about because he didn't know her to have any sins that would play on her mind this much. She also knew if she told him certain things it was always in confidence and he would listen as her reverend, not her father. But (Y/n) couldn't tell him this time and he seemed to realise it rather quickly. But it didn't stop him from reaching across to take her hand in a comforting hold that made her heart jump in her chest.

"That depends what kind of redemption you want. If you want to be saved from evil, then that is something he and only he can help with. If you're trying to save someone else then that is you and your faith, but if you're asking for redemption from your sins, I think that is more you than him. He will give you acceptance and forgive, but it isn't always his job to save you."

There was something so comforting in the way that her father could word his answers that gave her a sense of relief or understanding unlike her mother or most other people. Paul didn't know all the answers but if he didn't know them he still sounded certain and gave a proper response, he didn't beat about the bush or make something up.

It was comforting, even to know that this was something (Y/n) couldn't ask to be done for her.

"Why does he put us here if he can't always save us? Why create something if you'll just watch it burn?" (Y/n) believed in God, she knew there was some kind of other being out there that gave them purpose and guided them, but sometimes she couldn't understand God.

(Y/n) couldn't see why a being would create a world and all the people in it if he couldn't handle them all or be bothered to save them. So many people were hurt or in pain and in need of saving and he let them perish when they didn't deserve it. It seemed pointless.

"Some people don't want saving, some people can't be saved. I don't know why God created us, but he isn't our controller, he isn't the puppet master, honey. We make our own paths, it isn't in his power to save us from everything."

(Y/n) could understand that, she could relate. People had children and loved them and brought them up but they couldn't control them and their every move, they couldn't always save their children or stop them. Paul and Linda couldn't stop (Y/n) from going out anymore, they wouldn't be able to stop her from being with Ben or living her life and that might hurt them, but this is what they signed up for when they had her.

"I- I know everybody sins, no one's perfect and that's fine, but I don't get it. If God gets disappointed that we sin, why did he make so many rules that aren't always fair? Why would he contain us like that and expect so much of us? If he gets so disappointed in us, you'd think he would create us so we didn't do anything wrong or step out of line. He set himself up for failure by creating us so he can't control us and then get mad when we don't do as he pleases."

Sinning was normal, no one was made to be perfect and mistakes were how everybody learns and grows and evolves. But (Y/n) couldn't see why mistakes were so horribly bad, they weren't always on purpose or done with malice. God shouldn't be disappointed in people committing sins when he made them so they couldn't be controlled and had their own minds. No one would always do what he liked and he shouldn't make that a sin or be so displeased with them.

If he was really upset, he would create people so they didn't do anything wrong at all or he wouldn't create so many constricting rules. People were here to flourish and evolve, not live and die in strict confinements that made living just existing.

"If he was that disappointed, he wouldn't forgive so easily. I think you need to have a talk with him, try and find some peace with him. I'll be at home when you're ready, take as long as you need."

(Y/n) tipped her head down, smiling lightly when Paul squeezed her hand and kissed her head before he slowly got up and retreated down the aisle to go home. She did have some things she had to sort out with God and she hoped he was ready for what she had to say. If he didn't forgive her or give her an answer, (Y/n) didn't really mind because the peace she needed to find was with herself, not him.

Ten minutes or more passed by in a comfortable silence with (Y/n) sat with her eyes closed and one hand wrapped around the cross hanging from her neck. She rubbed the silver pendant between her fingers and thumb as she tried to see if she could forgive herself for the sins she had committed that didn't feel like sins at all.

She hadn't done anything that other people would deem as wrong, it was something God wouldn't like but (Y/n) didn't believe in a lot of his rules and ways of life that were so constricting.

Bringing the pendant to her lips, (Y/n) took a deep breath before she slowly let it fall back against her skin and stood to her feet. If she spent anymore time in here thinking about redemption and how to get it, she would drive herself insane. She needed to be out now, the church had comforted her for over an hour, it was time for a different form of comfort.

(Y/n) hooked her bag onto her shoulder before she walked out of the church, scanning her eyes around to make sure all of her family was back home before she left the gates and turned left instead of right to go in the opposite direction of her house.

She knew she had told Ben on Thursday that she would stay home this Sunday after sermon to have dinner with her family but she just couldn't. (Y/n) couldn't go back home and spend anymore time wallowing in her thoughts and drowning in fear of redemption for what she had done. She wanted to go and stay with Ben, she wanted to feel more at ease and feel his comfort and talk to him.

(Y/n) slowed down when she came close to the bus stop but then thought better of it and walked straight past it, going through the small cutting into the next street where she would be out of sight of the church and her street.

It took a good twenty minutes to drive from her home to Ben's so (Y/n) knew it would take longer to walk there but she knew the way by heart and a walk sounded nice. When the rain started to fall and large droplets fell against her, (Y/n) continued past each bus stop she walked by. She didn't want to get on the bus, she didn't want to call Ben and ask for a lift, she just wanted to walk like she didn't know where she was going. She wanted to walk and walk until the mist in her mind cleared and everything felt better.

(Y/n) pulled up the collar of her coat that had no hood, trying to keep the water from trickling down her neck but it made little difference. Her arms wrapped around her chest, locking her bag under her arm as she cut through a small path between two houses to reach the road she needed to be on which led to Ben's street.

She didn't know how long she had been walking before Ben's house finally came into sight but she knew it didn't feel like it had been long enough, the mist was still clouding her mind to the point she wondered how she could process or think about anything without getting confused.

(Y/n) desperately hoped that Ben would be home, if he was out at the club she really didn't want to walk all the way over there and scare him turning up in the mid-afternoon looking drenched to tell him she'd been walking around for over an hour. Nor did (Y/n) want to go home drenched like this and explain that she missed dinner because she'd aimlessly walked around to clear her head. Her father would be even more worried about her than he already was and her mother would throw a fit. Not to mention what Joe would say since he was at home today for dinner.

When she reached the door, (Y/n) pressed the doorbell before pulling her coat around her a bit tighter to try and stop the rain from soaking her any more than it already had done.

"Doll- fuck, please don't tell me you walked all the way here in this?!"

The moment Ben opened the door he seemed to smile for a split second before his smile contorted into a look of anger and panic. He wasted no time reaching out for (Y/n) and pulling her inside before she caught her death stood out there for much longer. He knew it had been raining for at least half an hour and it would have taken her that long to get here, possibly longer and it was now heaving down with rain.

"I thought you weren't coming round today? Why didn't you call me?" There was evident panic in Ben's voice as he thought for a split second that he'd forgotten to pick her up. But if that was the case, surely (Y/n) would have called or texted him to remind him. He remembered her telling him she wanted to stay home this weekend and he was perfectly fine with that, he didn't expect her to drop every family event to be with him.

But he wished she would have called so he could have picked her up rather than her walking all the way here in this.

Ben bit his lip when (Y/n) didn't answer, she didn't even move when he undid her coat and shrugged it off her shoulders, dumping it near the stairs since it was soaked. Her hair was drenched and a few strands were stuck to her forehead and cheeks to the point they looked like they were merging with her skin or like they were painted on her.

He could see the droplets falling from her lashes and her chin and her shirt and trousers were completely soaked, she must be freezing.

"Didn't want to go home." (Y/n) tried to smile but it was hard when she could see the panic and confusion she was causing Ben.

"Has something happened?" Ben gently took (Y/n)'s face in his hands, tilting her head up to look at him as he noticed how cold she was. The small smile she flashed was enough to calm him down a little to know that nothing drastic had happened like an argument or a fight. If he found out her father had hit her again or her mother had said anything to her Ben wouldn't stand back and do nothing.

"No, I j-just wanted to be with you." When (Y/n)'s teeth started to chatter from the sudden change from cold to hot, she noticed Ben's jaw clench and his chest tighten before she was suddenly engulfed in his arms. He wrapped her up in his arms for a few moments before slowly turning her around so her back was to his chest.

"We need to get you warmed up."

Ben ushered (Y/n) upstairs and into the bathroom before he disappeared to grab some of her clothes that she had left here. When he returned he was holding some of her underwear and leggings and one of his jumpers to make sure she stayed warm.

"Jump in the shower and warm up." His words were gentle and spoken with his lips against her forehead but when he went to pull away and leave the room, (Y/n) latched her hands around his arms and pulled him back to her. She didn't have to say it for him to see in her eyes that she wanted him to stay and join her and it worried him that she wasn't talking and the contemplation about something he could see on her face.

But he didn't question it. He turned on the shower before he slowly and carefully helped peel off her soaking wet clothes that were almost like a second skin to her now. When his own clothes were removed they got in the shower that caused (Y/n) to take a sharp breath and made her tremble at the water that felt like bullets hitting her ice cold skin.

Ben's chest tightened and felt like it was pushing inwards when he held (Y/n)'s trembling form against his chest, watching how she curled up against him with her arms encased to her chest, trapped between them both. She felt Ben pulling her forward a little until she was directly under the stream of water that no longer felt like it was battering her cold skin and she could feel one arm tightening around her lower waist as his other hand tangled in her hair. His fingers slowly and methodically massaged her scalp and rid her hair of any knots as his lips pressed to her head.

Neither of them said anything for a good twenty minutes that they were under the water before Ben slowly turned off the shower when (Y/n) steadily stopped shaking against him and he felt that she was warmed up and a bit better.

(Y/n) quickly got dried and changed so the cold air didn't have much chance to seep back under her skin and she blindly followed Ben out of the bathroom when he took her hand in his own. They headed downstairs and into the living room and Ben watched how (Y/n) curled up on the sofa, pulling her knees to her stomach and her arms to her chest, sinking into the soft cushions like she was about to disappear. There was something so sweet and innocent about the way she was sat and how she looked up at him through her lashes and it made his stomach flip but his mind fill with curiosity.

He wasn't used to her being this quiet around him, she was usually bubbly or tired or excited and talking endlessly about something she was happy or passionate or worried about and he loved her like that. Her being so quiet didn't settle well with him.

"Is something up, you're not usually this quiet and you walked all the way here in the bloody rain. You could have called, I would have come and got you straight away, you know that. You could have made yourself sick." Ben didn't want to seem like he was giving her a lecture but he was confused. Something was clearly wrong and (Y/n) came over here in a thin shirt and coat that didn't keep out the rain or the cold. She could have made herself ill coming here when she could have just rang him for a lift.

Ben reached over and gently pulled (Y/n)'s legs onto his lap as he leaned back and rested his head on his hand with his elbow propped up on the back of the sofa so he could look over at her.

"I was gonna go home like I said, but my dad's sermon just kept making me think and the more I thought... the less I wanted to go home. I want to be here but I needed the walk to think."

"What was so bad you had to walk forty minutes in the rain to think about? You're starting to worry me now, doll." Ben knew it had to be something serious for (Y/n) to walk all the way here instead of calling him, especially to walk in the rain like that which wasn't something she would have normally done. He was starting to wonder if he'd done something but then again she wouldn't have come here if he had. Something had clearly happened to make her this contemplated and unsettled.

He watched curiously as (Y/n) slowly pushed herself up until she was sitting straight but she wouldn't look at him. He noticed the way she was pulling the long sleeves over her hands out of nervous habit but Ben could still see her rubbing her fingers together beneath the fabric.

"I, um..." (Y/n) rubbed at her eyes with her sleeve when she couldn't stop the tears from beginning to fall. "I'm pregnant."

(Y/n) felt her stomach jumping when Ben's hands suddenly held her ankles that he used to pull her closer. He pulled on her ankles and moved her legs so they were either side of him like he was reeling her in until she was close enough for him to wrap his arms around.

(Y/n) held onto his arms to steady herself but her eyes were cautious and slightly confused. She didn't know if he would be happy or angry or sad, displeased or even unconcerned about this, she had no idea how he was going to react, but that wasn't what was worrying her the most. The tender smile on his lips was calming but it told (Y/n) that he wasn't looking at this in the same way she was.

"Why're you crying, this is a good thing." Ben tipped his forehead against her own as he moved his hands to her bum so he could sit her properly on his lap with her legs hooked around his back. He didn't want her to cry because this wasn't a bad or unhappy situation, they were going to have a baby and Ben was happy about this. He knew his work and who he was didn't make him seem like the fatherly type but he wanted this as long as (Y/n) did.

"Y-you don't understand..." (Y/n) moved her hands from his shoulders to gently hold his neck, brushing her thumbs over his skin as she tried to stop crying but she couldn't.

She looked at him through watering eyes with her lips pressed very tightly together until she saw the light flick on in his mind and he suddenly realised what she meant. It took all (Y/n) had not to dig her nails into his neck to try and get him to say something when all he was doing was staring into her eyes with a silent message she couldn't decipher.

"Oh. The baby can't be born out of wedlock, can it? That would go against your faith." Ben's answer wasn't patronising or condescending and he wasn't snarkily grinning at her or looking at her like he was annoyed or angry with her. All (Y/n) could see in his eyes was understanding and somehow, that made her feel worse.

Sex before marriage had made (Y/n) feel like she was going against her faith because it was morally wrong but at the same time, it didn't damage her faith or her beliefs. But having a baby out of wedlock was something (Y/n) couldn't do. She knew it was normal and it wasn't wrong and hundreds of people were fine with having a child without the need to be married and (Y/n) had nothing against people doing that. But she believed in her faith and the way she had been raised with her religion.

It was the right way to do things, to get married before having a baby and (Y/n) wanted to do that. She knew deep down having a baby without being married wasn't right for her. Marriage was a symbol between two people and it was a sign and connection to God and her faith and having a baby when she was married was another sign of her faith.

"I- I'm sorry, I c-can't... I don't-"

"Shh, doll, what are you sorry for? I played a part in this too and I may not share your religion or faith but I still respect it. I know how much your faith means to you and you should know how much you mean to me. This isn't a problem, we'll get married."

Ben could feel (Y/n)'s hands shaking against his neck to the point she was almost shaking his head before she let go of him. The way her lips were curved into a worried and rather unhappy, uneasy look made Ben confused and when she tried to pull away and climb off his lap, he wouldn't let her.

"Hey, no don't do that. Stay here and talk to me, doll you ain't going until you talk to me." Ben splayed his hand on her lower back and his other hand against the back of her neck, holding her tight enough to steady her and stop her from wriggling away but not enough to hurt her. He could see she was upset but he wasn't having (Y/n) walking away whilst she was still upset and in a state. She was staying with him so they could talk this out.

She needed to marry Ben so the baby wouldn't be born out of wedlock and he was agreeing and saying he was fine with that but she was still somehow upset or unhappy about it which meant either she didn't want to marry him or something else was wrong.

Ben brushed his thumb over the side of her neck, raising his brows as he kept her face level with his until she caved in, knowing she couldn't go anywhere and had to talk.

"I- I don't want you to marry me because you think you have to. You're saying this because of the baby and I'm thankful that you understand b-but I can't- I don't want to marry you if you're just doing this because it's the 'right thing to do.' You shouldn't be tied down to me."

(Y/n) loved Ben and she would want nothing more than to marry him and spend the rest of her life with him and their baby, but she couldn't. She couldn't let Ben say that and go through with it if he was only marrying her because of her faith and because he thought he had to. It wouldn't be fair on him and (Y/n) didn't want to marry someone who wasn't marrying her out of love. Tying Ben down to her wouldn't be fair and it would most likely mean the marriage wouldn't last and (Y/n) couldn't have that either. She couldn't have a marriage that was doomed to fail, remarrying wasn't seen as acceptable in her religion or her faith.

She couldn't have a baby out of wedlock, but she couldn't marry someone who didn't really want to marry her either.

(Y/n) almost squeaked when Ben's hands were suddenly on either side of her face and his lips were suddenly smashed against her own with intent and too many emotions to recognise. She could feel his teeth clashing with hers and it was like his lips were sending sparks against her own like he was electrified. When he pulled back, he tipped his temple down against her own so their eyes were level.

"Your faith and happiness mean everything to me but if I didn't love you, I wouldn't tell you I'd marry you, I would be selfish and go against your faith because marriage isn't as important to me as it is to you. But I love you and there isn't anyone else I would want to marry. I am asking because of the baby but that doesn't mean I want to marry you any less, with or without the baby I would have asked you eventually."

Ben knew that if he and (Y/n) were just casually dating or if they weren't close and she got pregnant, he would be selfish and say he wasn't marrying her because he didn't love her. He wouldn't marry someone he didn't love or someone he knew a relationship wouldn't last with.

But with (Y/n), he knew he loved her more than he'd ever loved anyone else before and he wanted to be with her. Marriage may not mean all that much to Ben but (Y/n) did and he could already imagine himself being married to her and telling people and introducing her as his wife. (Y/n) should know him well enough to know she was special to him, he wasn't like this with everybody and if this happened with anyone else, he wouldn't marry them.

"Stand up."

"W-why?" (Y/n) brushed her eyes with the back of her hand, looking at Ben in confusion when his words changed from gentle and loving to his usual assertive tone.

A gasp left (Y/n)'s lips when Ben's hand wrapped around her back and his other hand held her bum so he could stand up with her held to his chest. She had no idea where he was taking her or what he was doing but her confusion only grew when he walked away from the sofa and to the other side of the room before he gently set her down to her feet.

"Ben, what-"

"I'm clearly not the person you should be marrying and if you had any sense you would have run away when your brother told you about me, but for some reason you didn't. And I'm thankful you came back to meet me that next day."

Ben couldn't deny that (Y/n) was either a rebel in her heart or she had been walking blindly without her senses when she came back to see him the next day after meeting him. She shouldn't be going out with him, she should be with a good person who deserved her, not someone who killed and went against every belief she had. But (Y/n) pushed all that aside and she was with Ben and he couldn't be more thankful for that.

"Now I clearly don't have a ring yet, but..."

(Y/n) felt herself beginning to shake all over and she pressed her thumb to her mouth, biting it harshly when Ben looked at her very seriously before he went down on one knee in front of her. He didn't have to do this and he knew it but he was doing it anyway to show her that he was being serious. He didn't want to marry her out of convenience or loyalty or respect for her faith, he wanted to marry her because he loved her and he wanted to make her happy and have this baby with her.

She couldn't help the sob that bubbled up past her lips as she stared down at him, watching as he slipped one of the rings off his finger and held it up since it was all he could offer right now.

"Will you marry me?"

(Y/n) couldn't trust her voice to convey her answer so she resorted to nodding her head as quickly as she could like she was on a time limit to give him his answer. She let him take her hand and slip one of his rings onto her finger which wasn't too bad of a fit, it was a little loose but it wasn't slipping off her finger so it was perfect until he could get her a proper ring of her own.

Ben didn't get the chance to stand back up before (Y/n) launched herself at him, binding her arms around his neck and leaning against his propped up knee so she could kiss him like her life depended on it.

She knew that sooner or later, her family was going to find out and it was inevitable that they- including Joe, were going to find out exactly who Ben was and what he did for a living. She also knew that when that happened, her life was going to become much harder and worse than this. But for now, her two worlds were separate and she was going to bask in the euphoric feeling she felt around Ben and she wanted to drown in the love he was giving her.

Ben could feel her mumbling 'yes' over and over so quietly against his lips and it made him smile.

He didn't know why she was with someone like him and sometimes he wondered if he was corrupting a good girl. But he couldn't find it in himself to care. He wasn't letting her go for anything in the world.

[livlepretre]

ok wait i have some thoughts about acotar that you may or may not agree with... but basically i loved acotar/acomaf but hated acowar and i didn't even try to read acofas. there was a lot i hated about acowar but basically it sums up to 1) hated how sjm tried to retcon rhys into being this perfect amazing flawless person kind of destroying everything that was interesting about him in the first couple books. 2) THE EXTREMELY GRATUITOUS AND NUMEROUS SEX SCENES IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR. LIKE ??? oh god especially that one scene where feyre wakes rhys up by... yeah. 3) king of hybern fell so flat as a villain i was expecting to get more backstory or smthg on him but no he was just... there. and evil. for no real reason. and then they killed him. like... ok. 4) TAMLIN WAS SO OOC. AND I HATE HOW SHE VILLAINIZED HIM. i also find the whole fandoms take on tamlin to be very bland and ridiculous. like yeah he obviously was not the right person for feyre and he made some serious mistakes for which he should be held accountable, but he was traumatized too! he was a very flawed character but he's not a villain!!! that scene where he's like making rude sexual comments about feyre in front of everyone felt so ooc for him. hated it. 4) mor's coming out storyline was... very bizarrely handled, and frankly i just found it hard to believe that mor's sexuality was something sjm had planned from the start of the series. as a bi woman that whole plot just rubbed me the wrong way. anyway. ya those are my thoughts but i'm curious to know what u think about this series lolol

Oof complicated question. 

I think in general I come down positively on ACOTAR based mostly on the strength of the first 2 novels? I read ACOTAR and ACOMAF back to back right after ACOMAF came out, and let me tell you: I was obsessed. I was devastated. I was enthralled. It filled some very particular requirements for what I really wanted-- it was gorgeous and atmospheric and really frightening and romantic. I thought the characters were well developed, and I just thoroughly enjoyed the world-building with vicious alien faeries and the real sense of danger, as well as the magic and the breathtaking imagery. As a painter myself, I LOVED reading about painting in a way that felt so true to the actual experience of what it’s like-- so much rarer and harder to actually find than one would think-- ACOTAR and An Enchantment of Ravens are the only two novels I can think of that even grasp the experience. I loved Feyre as a human, loved loved loved the trials, and I loved how even after she became High Fae, there was an element to it that was incredibly disturbing-- the idea of having a human soul in a fae body, which meant that things that sort of roll off of the fae around her-- like violence and killing-- profoundly disturb her and wreck her soul. I loved that. (at least, that was how I interpreted the “be glad for your human heart” thing, and also why I assumed she didn’t recognize the mating bond... that maybe, as a human soul in a fae body, it would be lost in translation for her until it was actually consummated). 

One of the things I also really loved about ACOMAF was that it took everything in ACOTAR and subtly turned it on its side. At that point, I was used to 1st love = true love, so actually reading a narrative where a heroine could change partners was really refreshing, and I liked all the ways that, looking back, we could realize that Tamlin wasn’t it-- that he didn’t try to free her from Under the Mountain (wow that should have been obvious) or how he never offered to teach her to read in the 1st book. I also really liked Feyre’s observation that she needed to feel protected in the 1st book because of where she was coming from then, but that by the 2nd book, because of the trauma of her imprisonment, she felt smothered and trapped. I thought the 2nd book did a good job of showing how Tamlin and Feyre could be really trying to make their pieces fit together the way they once did, but they had both been too changed by their experiences to work and had in fact become poison for each other. They both had PTSD, and I felt that was clear in the narrative. And I was happy for Feyre to leave, I loved the exploration of her depression and her slow recovery, and I was okay with how Tamlin was presented in that way because there is a way in which he really was as helpless as her-- yes, his actions were abusive, but I didn’t think that came from having an abuser’s personality. The tragedy was in the fact that he was also suffering and screwed up, and that meant that Feyre had to leave for her own sake, and that Rhysand ended up being what she needed. 

I’ll put my problems with the series under the cut. 

My problems started in ACOWAR, and it was primarily a characterization problem with Feyre that bothered me. To be honest, SJ Maas has this thing where she makes her main characters (male and female) just the most extraordinary over the top horrendous bitches out of the blue and it’s just like what the fuck. I think she does it for drama, and while I love a cold bitch (NESTA IS MY QUEEN)... that’s not Feyre. Her actions in the Spring Court were so much crueler than I would have anticipated. And it bothered me the way that those actions hurt everyone there, which was wild to me, as it was her home once, and that’s not Feyre. She’s the girl so empathetic that she gave those water faeries her bracelet to use as tribute. That she mourned so hard it nearly broke her for those faeries she killed in her third task. The whole point of the 1st novel was that she started with hate in her heart, but that she’s naturally so empathetic when given a chance to think about anything other than bare survival that love comes rushing in. So, I really disliked Feyre being a bitch for the sake of being a bitch. She felt unrecognizable to me. I realized recently that part of this is that Feyre actually completes her character arc in the 2nd book-- at that point, she’s figured out who she is, gained peace, happiness, and empowerment through it, and found a home. She’s answered all of the conflict within herself, so there’s just not really anywhere for her character to go in the 3rd book, which is part of why she feels so weird as a pov character. 

There were other things of course. Rhys had lost that edge I loved in him so much. (what was the point of that prologue, btw?) This is a little thing but giving Lucien a last name really wrecked a lot of the wonderful strangeness of the world building and I resent it. Especially since no one else has a last name. Sarah was on the right track when she gave Rowan the last name “Whitethorn.” THAT is a faerie last name. I don’t know what this Vanserra stuff is. What else. Hybern was supes whatever. Feyre making bargains was pretty much what we’d seen before. I didn’t mind the sex scenes because that’s just what you can expect from an SJM novel, and I don’t really have any comments on Mor’s coming out story. I also suspect that she was originally written as straight in ACOMAF, but then SJM changed her mind while working on ACOWAR. I’m not going to fault her for attempting to write more inclusively and more diversely (which, as we know, is already not something she excels at). I did find the hook up with Lucien’s dad real awkward though for everyone involved though. YIKES. TOGAS. YIKES. SJM also does this thing in her finales where too much of the books tend to be about the battles and the actual war, and that’s not nearly as interesting as the character moments that might occur because of the war. 

So, that leaves my primary complaint, which is Tamlin. I kind of think that it’s not even a matter of him being OOC, so much as Feyre being completely hateful toward him. Like, I remember thinking he was wildly OOC when he was siding with Hybern, a human hater, as he had specifically said in the 1st book that he would always fight against that. I remember being THRILLED when it turned out that he was playing Hybern, and how disappointed he was in Feyre for ever thinking him capable of actually siding with Hybern and bringing up that conversation they had in ACOTAR. I also loved it when he helped her escape the POW camp, and when he told her to be happy at the end. But honestly, after Feyre fucked him over SO! HARD! in the beginning of the novel, not at all surprised that he showed up at that meeting ready to talk smack. I was on his side during that whole thing, because by that point, I was like, get wreckt Feyre. (Which KILLS ME because I LOVED Feyre in the first 2 books, I think SJM really does mistake just horrendous bitchiness with confidence or something? It just horrified and embarrassed me the whole novel). I really do hope that Tamlin gets some sort of arc going forward. I was so depressed by our visit in him in ACOFAS-- sitting alone in that crumbling manor. I think he actually does deserve a “redemption” arc, although I don’t think he actually has to be redeemed. 

On the subject of bitchy Feyre: I do NOT like the way she treats Nesta in ACOFAS. I guess we see that Feyre has an empathy problem in ACOTAR in that she totally misreads her sisters in the first few chapters and thinks of them in the most uncharitable light possible, and of course, once she decides she’s done with Tamlin, she always assumes the worst of him, but wow. The way she handles things with Nesta just horrifies me. I just can’t imagine treating my siblings like that, or extending them so little empathy. 

And ACOFAS made me think about building snowmen and other horrible fluffy things and it was not my favorite. 

But all this being said I know myself and I am definitely going to read A Court of Silver Flames. I think it might be really good, actually. 

[janiedean]

Why do you think the SW fandom is so knee-deep in SJ Calvinism? Because I understand wanting representation or being upset because a movie didn’t fulfill your expectations, but the “if you don’t ship X you’re racist” “if you don’t stan Y you’re bigoted” and the harassment over a disappointing movie is surprising just because of how pervasive it is. I was trying to find some St*rmpilot blogs to follow and the amount of hate is Yikes, especially the hate for Rose and the stans of a Certain Ship

eeeeeeh I think it’s because ep. 7 came out at the height of the... well, reaping the seeds the social justice calvinism had sown since 2014 so to speak? I mean, SW is hardly the one fandom where it happened (*cough* voltron and SU *cough*) but as SW is way broader in audience than those other shows that certainly didn’t help, but like, if you think on it, since 2013-ish (but I think before as well, I mean, I’ve been here since 2011 and already when I got here I felt like something was going very wrong when it came to politics-in-fandom-attitude), basically people on tumblr have progressively, when it came to fandoms:

pushed the idea that you have to over-analyze everything you consume through political lens;

pushed the idea that what you like and how you like it also has to be pushed through political lens and what you like says things about who you are as a person or your political leanings;

pushed the idea that if you care for something *problematic* just because you like it you’re excusing it;

pushed the idea that if you were problematic once you can’t ever not be problematic, you can’t change your mind and you can’t learn also because ‘it’s not my job to educate you’ so people either learn themselves or idek what but again, calvinism.

now obviously those politics are tumblr-politics which are also US centric like woah and are also high-school petty like woah, and since more or less then people have:

continuously other-ed lgbt people from *straight*/heterosexual people pushing a narrative where straight = bad and therefore putting it before anything automatically makes it a valid insult which added to the above means that if you ship het you’re already problematic regardless of whether you’re straight or not (and if you are.. lol);

pushed the performative feminism of Doom TM that says men and women should be equal but is like, an excuse to shit on men and on women who like men (see the rampant biphobia around and the whole ‘straight girls are so stupid if they’re into men they should try women’ discourse);

pushed the US terminology when it comes to the POC discourse, in the sense that everything works on the US-centered context where white people = white anglosaxon protestant, poc = everything else without realizing that in the rest of the world white does not equal wasp, that poc = black people only in most of europe (and no one who’s actually black or not white who lives in africa or asia and so on would describe themselves as poc because why the hell would you when your skin color/ethinicity is the norm where you live?), which also goes with the whole white passing debate which where I live would not exist but in that context is a mess because again, oscar i*saac is schroedinger’s poc (as in, he’s poc automatically for american standards because he’s latin-american but like he has the same skin tone as my mother and my mother in italy is white same as 90% of us, which means endless confusion) and assumed that all of us have to accept that terminology/context regardless of whether it’s valid in our countries;

kept on progressively putting minorities against each other in an endless loop of WHO HAS IT WORST/oppression olympics;

kept on progressively split hairs on issues that aren’t exactly, like, that important if there’s more urgent stuff to deal with because 90% of the activism here is performative;

made the 180° turn for which headcanons and shit are seen as, like, doing representation instead of, you know, supporting what rep is there never mind when people decide *one* ship is the right one and if another is canonized and it’s rep it gets thoroughly ignored;

pushed on a mindset for which if something isn’t perfect at the get-go then it’s canceled.

and so on.

like, all of that shit has been continuously not criticized because criticizing it especially if you don’t belong to a minority means that you’re out of line/discussing things that don’t concern you, but if you’re a minority and you criticize it then it’s suddenly YOU BETRAYED OUR CAUSE *INSERT SLUR HERE ABOUT PANDERING TO THE MAJORITY*, and the result exploded in toxic af fandoms, but like... if you look at the issues of the SW sequel trilogy fandom it’s all��of that in a nutshell because:

k/ylo ren is automatically the worst because he’s white (horrible), a man (even worse), not canonically attractive (I didn’t touch on that topic bc I’m honestly not up for it mentally but lmao that counts too) and presumably heterosexual (or well, no one said he’s not but you know, since he’s a white dude on the bad side [supposedly] then we don’t give him the benefit of the doubt that he might be bi), so if you like ky/lo ren or relate to him you’re automatically problematic;

shipping re/ylo because automatically problematic because it’s a *straight* (evil) ship made of two white people (when there’s options to ship them both with people that aren’t white, so IT’S RACIST), they have an age gap (BAD BECAUSE POWER IMBALANCE) and it’s enemies to lovers, so it’s a context where people who don’t conceive redemption or that people can become better are basically crying problematic all the time, and the fact that people decided it’s *abusive* when it has like nothing that can equate it to a really abusive relationship says all;

ky/lux being the most popular slash ship immediately means that it’s the fault of the horrible straight (white) women fetishizing the (white) men on the dark side (when it’s most likely because for a while ky/lux was literally the only side of that fandom where people were chill/there wasn’t wank every other moment);

st/ormpilot has been declared The Right Ship because it’s two non-white men and it’s not straight which automatically turns into what I said before about hating other ships that would be rep anyway and feeds into the lowkey oppression olympics racism, because like if finn/rose becomes canon it’s still a mixed/biracial ship because he’s black and she’s asian....... except that it’s not the right ship for people who decided that finn has to be either with rey or poe (and guess what rey is white and poe is... schroedinger’s poc because oscar isaac in europe wouldn’t pass for *poc*), which to me has stank of lowkey racism since tlj came out because sorry but if ‘finn deserves better than rose’ or ‘finn should be with rey because if he doesn’t get rey then it’s unfair’ and the various other bullshit I read on the topic basically says that the white woman is *worthier* than the asian woman or that rose is a downgrade from rey which is fucking bullshit, rose isn’t even a bad character all the contrary. and that’s for the het side of it, but like then it’s not as good as stormpilot because it’s a straight ship (NOOOO THEY MADE FINN STRAIGHT/THEY’RE NOT MAKING THEM GAY THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT = stuff I legit saw on the tag) and ngl I’m 100% sure that the fact that daisy is Standard Attractive and kelly marie t/ran is lovely but doesn't conform to the usual beauty standard western-viewers apply on asian women did play a role in there, but: what did I say before? the slash ship is automatically better than the het ship never mind that they’re both biracial and rose is actually a rep (asian girls who don’t adhere to stereotypical body shapes - and like, the rep for all body types and shapes should be valid for all women, not just white) that isn’t exactly popular especially in mainstream cinema, so people should be happy.... but since rose is Not A Dude and Not Rey and Not The Right Kind Of Representation For That Crowd, automatically rose is a shit character and deserves to be viciously hated on. and this is a thing done by people who most likely then turn on the other side and talk shit about horrible straight women who hate the only female character for getting in the way of their slash ship without realizing that their rose hate is exactly that. and of course since sto/rmpilot is the two good guys, if you ship that then you also have to hate re/ylo because how can you, a person who ships The Good Ship On The Light Side, support such a problematic enemies to lovers thing? yeah, right, hahaha.

this also tbqh also pairs up with how on tumblr people only recognize mental health issues/abuse victims when the narrative suits them - like, being a bad victim automatically means you lose sympathy and mental health issues are only valid if you aren’t ***privileged*** otherwise why would you have them, which shows transparently in how a lot of people absolutely deny that ky/lo ren is a) an abuse victim, b) obviously mentally ill however it is that he deals with it, but no, he has to be The Most Horrible In Existence Because Otherwise We Should Have Empathy For A Bad Guy Who Also Might Get Redeemed And Redemption Is Not Happening Ever Because Bad People Don’t Deserve it.

like, all of the issues sw sequel trilogy has when it comes to the fandom are direct consequences of the nonsensical social justice calvinism climate on tumblr dot com that no one took care to put a stop to since 2013 and of its ridiculous oppression olympics and pitting people against each other and that was my take. cheers.

(ps: I also ship sto/rmpilot like woah and it’s my otp but there’s a reason why I unfollowed most SP blogs I followed and why I don’t go into the tag anymore - I’m not here for the anti-rose racism dressed up as performative wokeness, I’m not here to get lectured about as a white person I fetishize poc gay men if I ship it - yes I read that too - and I’m not here to read a bunch of meta about how re/ylo is a bad ship and blah blah blah, so yeah. I feel you.) (pps: ky/lo ren isn’t even my favorite character and I care relatively but gdi the way the fandom approaches him is honestly mindboggling in that sense, and I don’t mean people who actually dislike him because fair reasons, I mean people who can’t recognize his abuse victim status and the precarious status of his mental health. like, not all abuse victims and mentally ill people are the right victim or come from the right background and you can be cool motive still murder and still recognize that he’s like that because he has issues, not because he was drawn that way. /bye)

[thebookewyrme]

OK! So. I finally have some time and space to make a long post. It’ll help me organize my thoughts for the email I need to write now confronting the people who perpetrated harm today. Please don’t eat my post Tumblr.

So. I am part of a Learning Group on Cyber Sexual Violence and what libraries can do to prevent it. We’ve been reading a lot of great books and having great discussions about them and that’s culminated in a National Forum this week with panelists presenting on a range of topics from digital oppression to tech such as stalkerware. In the first panel today, one of the speakers was talking about redemption, and how it wasn’t possible with the internet because every mistake we make is there forever, but that redemption is a very human need.

Now I, being that most of my experience with digital abuse is right here in fandom & social media and so I immediately thought of the whole “anti” problem, and the SJ kids who use the language of social justice and social change to harass and abuse people they deem “problematic” with no space left for redemption in the case of a true mistake on the victim’s part or apologies in the far more common instances where they jump the gun and abuse someone for something innocent. I didn’t give a whole lot of context, I just asked how it’s possible to combat that kind of abuse to allow redemption. But sadly, time ran out and they didn’t get to my question. Fine. No big deal.

Then the next panel starts, and at the end they recycle my question, though without calling me out by name (though attendance was steady between the two panels so everyone saw me post it). And here’s where it gets hairy.

Because, in a space meant to be dealing with abuse and ways to combat it, full of people who have been engaged in this work and learning together, the panelists completely missed all the context (granted they didn’t have it) and rather than assuming good faith and asking for more context, they immediately jumped to dismissing the question outright, and saying it was laden with contempt for social justice workers, and basically implying that anyone who gets this abuse must have deserved it and anyway it’s a necessary tool to bring about social change by ostracizing bad people. (Sorry for that run on sentence)

Folks. When I tell you my gut dropped? I mean. I logged out of the session immediately, and ended up crying and shaking for almost an hour. To be confronted with that attitude in what I thought was a safe space to talk about the kinds of harms I see in my own communities was just. I haven’t been this upset by something someone actually did in a long damn time. I was shocked and appalled to be dismissed and belittled, to my face, in this environment.

Now. I have to say. I reached out to the organizers, and they’ve been nothing but wonderful, validating me, my reaction, and helping me to reach out to the panelists as make them understand that what they were advocating for was not ok. All love to the organizers for their handling of the situation. But I am so disgusted with the panelists. And disheartened by the agreement in the chat that I saw for their treatment of the question.

I feel a little like I’m blowing this out of proportion, except for how upset it’s made me. I mean, so they misinterpreted a question and dismissed it. No big deal. But for some reason, this one has absolutely stopped me. I am. Just. I have no words.

Anyway. So that’s what happened today. Now I have to go write an email (because I don’t feel up to confronting face to face the people who did this) explaining what happened, what they missed, and how their reactions sounded. Maybe in small words so they can understand.

Abuse is never ok. Even if you’re abusing someone you deem an abuser. Even if your goal is social justice. Abuse is still not ok. I cannot believe I am having to say this to these people. I am. Just. No words.

Oh man. I have had. A Day. I did not expect to spend an hour shaking and crying in my office due to something that happened in a work conference I was participating in. More about it later, now I’m off to class.

I haven’t even had time to appreciate the YOI 5th Anniversary yet!! 🥺😩🥺😩😫