#I don’t like rewatching many movies but they are few exceptions

[sceletaflores]

HEAVY METAL LOVER!

pair: logan howlett x bartender!reader wc: 4.2k

contains: 18+ SMUT MDNI, drinking, swearing, motorcycle rides, p in v, unprotected sex, rough sex, fingering (fem!receiving), creampie, wolverine's hairy tits, the claws show up ofc, porn with plot, no use of y/n. author’s note: watched deadpool & wolverine twice in theaters, started rewatching the x-men movies, pondered many different thoughts, sat down and wrote this. i need him to breed me. title from lady gaga's 'heavy metal lover' cause it's literally his song.

the wolverine is a regular at your bar…

You're shining glasses behind the bar when you hear it, the gruff sound of Logan’s voice turning away yet another girl that worked up the courage to come up to him. It’s his third rejection of the night, not that you were counting.

You were, you always do. You pay more attention to that side of the bar than you normally would when he’s here, which is nearly everyday for the past three weeks. He's not like any of your other regulars. He's almost always alone, and he never talks to you except when he calls for another drink. 

The only reason you even know his real name at all is because Wade told you one of the nights he tagged along, leaning his elbows on the bar to whisper over the sugared rim of his "Piña Colada. Extra creamy please, you know how I like it..." like he was telling you a secret.

"Don't let him hurt your feels honey bunch. That's just classic Logan for you, a man of few words. Huge case of blue balls by the way." 

You remember the way he let the obvious innuendo hang in the air, the knowing look he gave you as he spun the little paper umbrella floating in his drink. You didn’t think you were being that obvious, that someone as socially inept as Wade was able to pick up on the way your eyes would linger a little too long on the broad width of Logan’s shoulders, on the way his arms would strain against the fabric of his flannels. 

You’d seen him on the news, thick corded muscles all wrapped in blue and yellow leather. It haunted you for days, playing in your mind on a constant loop of sweaty biceps until you finally gave in and pulled out your favorite vibrator. 

Even with that, there’s just something about the jeans and flannels he wears outside of the suit that make you want to jump over the bar and drop down to your knees right in front of him. Your mouth open wide and waiting.

The dull ‘thunk’ of Logan placing his empty glass on the bartop grabs your attention, two quick raps of his knuckles against the wood ripping you from your thoughts. “Another,” he says briskly, not looking away from the peeling backsplash on the wall behind you.

You usually snapped at men who’d bark orders at you, but The Wolverine isn’t just any man. He's certainly the only man you'd ever take orders from willingly, happily.

You grin, tossing your towel over your shoulder as you grab the whiskey bottle off the shelf and slide over to him, tipping the amber colored bottle over to start refilling his glass. “That’s the third one tonight,” you say casually, casting your eyes over his shoulder to the girl from before retreating back to her friends. “I take it you don’t come here looking for company?”

Logan’s eyes flick to yours, it’s the first time he’s looked at you all night. You look back, lips pulled into a small smile as more whiskey than you’d usually pour splashes against the sides of his glass. The music playing from the speakers fades into a dull hum around you.

He holds your gaze for a second longer, a flash of something you can't quite read passing through his eyes before he’s looking away again. “Not the kind you’re thinking of,” he replies, his voice a low rumble that has something warm zinging up your spine.

You set the bottle down next to him, brow piqued in curiosity. “And what kind is that?”

He doesn't respond right away, just raises the now full glass to his lips to take a slow sip. You almost think he’s going to ignore you again, but then he speaks, “You ask everyone that comes in here personal questions, bub?” 

There’s the barest hint of amusement lacing his words that has you biting your bottom lip to try and contain the absolute giddiness blooming in your chest. It’s not much, but it’s more than he’s ever given you before. Encouraged, you step in a little closer, hoping to draw him out further.

“Only the ones with their asses practically fused to my stools,” you shrug, a playful glint sparkling in your eyes. “So what is it, you got some poor wife you leave at home every time you come here? Because the ‘tall, dark, and kind of morally ambiguous’ thing is obviously working for you.”

Logan turns his eyes to you again, his brow raised in amusement. You’re close enough that you can see the way his lips turn up at the corners. He seems to consider your question, gaze slowly trailing along your face before flicking back to your eyes. "No wife," he replies, the words slow and deliberate. "No home to leave her at either.”

His response hangs in the air between you, heavier than you anticipated. You let out a soft breath, lips parting ever so slightly. You can practically feel the weight of his gaze settling over you, leaving your whole body warm and tingly. The heat swirling deep in your gut slipping down to pool wet and sticky in your panties. Logan’s eyes blink shut for just a second, the bridge of his nose twitching lightly.

You almost can’t believe this is really happening, that the angry guy at the end of your bar you’ve seen turn away pretty girl after pretty girl is flirting with you. It makes you feel dizzy with power, like you could do anything, but it’s also one of the most intimidating things you’ve ever experienced. You didn’t realize what it meant to be the center of Logan’s attention until now, but you refuse to back down.

 He gives an inch, so you take a mile.

Your grin widens as you lean your elbows on the bar, resting your chin on the heels of your hands. Logan doesn’t react to you invading his space, just keeps his eyes on you with a passive look on his face, but you don’t miss the way his gaze darts down to the low cut of your top.

“So…” you say slowly, voice dipping into a softer more intimate tone, “that means you’re free later tonight?” You tilt your head to the side coyly, allowing your hair to cascade over your shoulder, the movement drawing his gaze.

Logan’s eyes widen the tiniest bit, a surprised huff leaving his lips. He raises his glass, taking another long drink. Your eyes trace the sharp line of his jaw to where his adam’s apple bobs enticingly as he swallows. Your lips tingle with the need to mark up the tan column of his throat, to sink your teeth in the skin there, to taste.

The neckline of his undershirt dips low enough that you can see the dark hair scattered across his chest, dog tags dangling from a chain around his neck to sit in the center.

You drag your eyes back up to his face, flushing when you see that he's already looking at you over the rim of his drink. He sets his half drained glass down, a skeptical look on his face. “How old are you, kid?”

You shake your head with a soft laugh, dropping your palms to lay flat on the bartop. If that makes your top dip a little lower to flash more of your cleavage in Logan’s eyeline, then that’s just a bonus. “Old enough to be here,” you reply after a short pause, gazing up at him from under your lashes, “Old enough to know what I want.”

Logan’s eyes darken, the warm brown of them seeming deeper and even more intense than before. The dim overhead lights cast shadows across his rugged features, highlighting the scruff on his jaw. You can’t help but imagine the rough scratch of it brushing up against your inner thighs.

Logan pushes his glass away, leaning in with a soft grunt, his eyes drop to your lips. You suck in a shocked breath, your whole body lighting up at being so close to him. Your heart is racing in your chest, a quick ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum that echoes in your ears.

His lips turn up in a sly grin, the sharp canines of his teeth on display. “Is that so?” He asks, voice going all husky like gravel and honey. He meets your eyes and you swear you can see the sparks going off in the air between you, everything else in the bar completely fizzling out as his breath mingles with yours. “Careful what you wish for,” he says, his voice a low rumble that makes your knees weak. “You might just get it.”

Your lips curve into a mischievous smile, the heat between you palpable. “I’m counting on it,” you reply, your voice dripping with promise. It takes everything in you to straighten up and pull away from Logan, stepping back with the forgotten bottle in your hand. “My shift ends at eleven,” you say with a small shrug, jerking your head to a door across the room, “staff leaves through the alley door.” 

It’s a clear invitation, one that Logan easily picks up on. His hungry gaze follows every move you make as you shelf the whiskey.

Before he can say anything, someone calls you from across the bar, shaking their empty glass impatiently. You throw him one last smile over your shoulder, mouthing ‘eleven‘ again with a quick nod of your head. You aren’t sure if it’s supposed to reassure you or him.

Logan smirks nonetheless, standing from the bar before draining the rest of his drink and throwing a few bills down. The air crackles as you watch him make his way towards the exit, eyes lingering on the way his jeans hug the thick muscles of his legs before someone is snapping their fingers at you to serve them.

The rest of your shift drags by, but the excitement and hope swirling in your stomach doesn’t fade. You’re practically thrumming with excitement by the time eleven rolls around, anticipation coursing through your veins as you clock out and grab your bag from your locker.

You pull the door to the alley open, the heavy metal creaking with the swing. The gravel crunches under your shoes as you step outside, eyes eagerly searching the space in search of Logan. The light mounted above the door shines around you, but you don’t see him anywhere. 

Just as disappointment starts to settle in your chest, you hear a loud rumble coming from the down the street. A bright light shines across the road as it gets closer and closer until there’s a motorcycle pulled up against the alley’s opening.

Logan kicks the bike’s stand down, leaning over to hold out a helmet in offering. “You coming or not?” he calls out, voice deep and teasing, “I’m not known for my patience.”

You can’t help but laugh, a mix of exhilaration and nervousness bubbling up inside you. With a confident stride, you walk toward him, the loud growl of the bike reverberates through your body like thunder with every step. “You’re just full of surprises tonight, aren’t you?” 

You take the helmet from his hand, but he doesn't let go right away, making your fingers brush against his in a way that sends a shiver up your arm. You meet his gaze, the smirk on his lips matching the dangerous glint in his eyes.

He drops his hand down to the bike’s handle, jerking his head back to the empty space behind him. “Hop on.”

You straddle the bike, the leather seat warm from the rumbling engine beneath you. You give Logan your address as you slip the helmet on. His body is warm and solid against your front, you can’t help but press a little closer, your hands falling to rest on his waist. The leather of his jacket is smooth under your fingertips.

Logan turns his head to the side, the street lights shine along the side of his face in a warm yellow glow. “Hang on,” he says, voice barely audible over the roar of the bike’s engine starting up.

The sudden rush of wind as he pulls off paired with the thrillingly intense vibration of the engine revving under you is exhilarating. You wrap your arms tight around his waist, fingers digging in slightly as you lean into the curve of his body. 

The city blurs into a whirlwind of colorful lights as Logan navigates the streets with a confident ease. The cool night air whips past you, every turn and acceleration pumping more adrenaline through your veins. You cling to Logan’s waist like it’s a lifeline– there’s a sense of freedom and excitement that comes with being on the bike, but you think the real thrill is being pressed against him like this, feeling the power of his strength under you.

The ride seems like it takes both hours and seconds all at once when Logan pulls up to your house's gate. He kills the engine, the sudden silence a stark contrast from the roaring bike. Your heart pounds in your chest, pulse thumping as you slide the helmet off.

Logan takes it from your hands, eyes scanning over your house. “Nice place,” he comments casually, swinging his leg over the bike to stand next to you. 

"Thanks," you say, your voice a tad breathless. You can’t help but feel a little self-conscious as you dig for your keys in your bag, nerves finally starting to set in. The air is cold against your flushed skin, and you’re hyper aware of Logan’s presence behind you as you unlock the gate and push it open.

He doesn’t touch you as the two of you walk up the steps to your house, infuriatingly keeping his distance with his hands shoved deep in the pockets of his jeans.

Your legs shake with every step, you can’t tell if it’s left over adrenaline from the ride or the building anticipation for the ride you know is waiting for you beyond your front door. Your hands tremble as you fumble with the lock, opening the door and stepping into the darkness of your living room. 

You’re barely a foot inside before a pair of strong hands pull you backwards, getting whirled around by your waist until your back hits your closed front door mute thud. You don’t have any time to react before Logan’s crowding up against you, his body a solid wall of muscle pressing you hard against the door. His lips crash into yours in a hungry kiss, you can taste the whiskey from earlier sharp and smoky on his tongue.

You respond eagerly, leaning up to wrap your arms around his neck and pull him down even closer. Logan’s hands roam over your body rough and possessive, one sliding up to cup the back of your neck while the other grips your waist, pulling you even closer. His hands leave a trail of fire in their wake, your skin tingling with every brush of his fingers. You can feel the raw power in his touch, a barely there restrained strength that has your heart racing even faster. 

“I could fucking smell you,” he growls agasint your neck, digging his sharp teeth into your collarbone meanly. You can't help but let out a soft moan, your head falling back against the door to give him better access. The rough stubble on his jaw scrapes deliciously against your sensitive skin, sending shivers down your spine. “Could smell how goddamn wet you got, back at the bar.”

His hand slips under the waistband of your jeans, sliding down the front of your panties to brush against your clit. Your mouth drops open with a soft moan, your slick lips still tingling. “Do you have any fuckin’ idea how hard it was not to bend you over, to not rip these things off and fuck you over the bar?” he asks roughly, lips brushing against your skin with every word. “Wanted to take you right, make everyone watch while I made you scream.”

Your breath hitches at his words, a wave of pleasure crashing through you. The rough skin of his fingertips press more firmly against your clit, drawing a broken moan from your lips. “Logan,” you gasp, your hips bucking involuntarily against his hand.Your hands claw at his shoulders, gripping the fabric of his shirt as you try to ground yourself. 

His lips capture yours again in a bruising kiss, sliding two thick fingers into you with a rough thrust. “Atta girl,” he murmurs against your mouth, dragging his tongue across your bottom slip. “That’s it, say my name,” he growls, swallowing your moans as his fingers pump into you with an unrelenting pace. Your walls clench around him, a needy whine escaping your throat as he begins to fuck his fingers in and out of your wet cunt. 

The coil of pleasure deep in your stomach tightens with every thrust of his fingers, your body trembling with the intensity of it all. You can feel the pressure start to build, like a dam threatening to burst, but this isn’t how you want to come. You break the kiss, a thin thread of saliva connecting your lips before it thins and breaks. “Wait,” you say breathlessly, hand slipping down to grip his forearm tightly, “I want to come with you inside me.”

Logan growls, a deep, primal sound that you can feel rumble deep in his chest where it’s pressed against yours. “Bedroom,” he demands, hands dropping to the back of your thighs and lifting. 

You wrap your legs around his waist with a quiet squeal, attacking the skin of his neck with your teeth as he walks the two of you down the dark hallway. “First door on the right,” you whisper, dragging your tongue along the column of his throat. You can feel the thick length of his cock straining against his jeans press into your hip. He sucks in a sharp breath as you roll your hips down, sliding the damp fabric of your clothed cunt over him.

Logan kicks the door open with a force that has it slamming against the wall, the sound barely registering in your lust-addled brain. Logan dumps you on the bed, the force of it bouncing you on the mattress. He rips his white undershirt over his head and drops to his knees in front of you, big hands coming up to grip the waistband of your jeans.

The muscles in his arms don’t even flex as he rips your shorts down the middle, denim and along with lace panties tearing like tissue paper in his hands and falling to the floor in tattered pieces. You gasp at the cold air hitting your hot, aching cunt. 

Logan’s hands run up and down the bare skin of your calves, eyes glued to the soaked skin of your inner thighs. Your thighs start to tremble under his gaze, your patience starting to wear thin. Logan drags his eyes back to you, taking in the pleading look on your face. He smirks, wordlessly rising to his feet to pop open the button of his jeans.

You watch with bated breath as he unzips his fly, eyes glued to the way he starts to push them down his legs just enough that they fall to pool around his ankles. Your mouth drops open, eyes going wide at the sight of him.

He’s so big, so thick and heavy that his cock hangs hard between his hairy thighs instead of slapping up against his stomach. There’s a thick drop of pre-cum leaking from the tip, dripping down a thick vein running along the side.

Your mouth waters with want, the want to bury your nose in the dark thatch of hair surrounding the base, the want to have him fuck your throat raw and red. You can almost feel the ache in your jaw. 

As much as you want to get him in your mouth, you want him inside you even more.

“Get your ass over here,” you demand breathlessly, tearing your shirt off your head in one swift motion. Logan smirks, stepping out of his jeans and making his way across the room. His dog tags jingle with every step, your cunt clenches weakly.

He stalks up the mattress like a predator, eyes ablaze as a cocky smirk plays on his lips. Your legs fall open unconsciously, thighs spreading wide to make enough room for his hips to slot against yours.

You gasp at the thick head of his cock sliding through your wet folds, your body arching off the bed. The sensation is electric, shooting through you like a live wire. "Logan," you breathe, your voice barely more than a whimper. "Please..."

"Please what?" he asks, his lips curving into a smirk against your skin. "You gotta tell me what you want, sweetheart."

Your cheeks flush hot, but the need burning inside you is stronger than any embarrassment. "I want you," you admit, your voice trembling with desire. "I want you to fuck me, Logan."

His growl is low and feral, his fingers teasing you relentlessly as he presses his forehead to yours. "That's a good girl," he rumbles, his breath hot against your lips as he sinks into the tight heat of your cunt in a single thrust. 

The pace he sets is unrelenting, one hand braced on the pillow next to your head while the other grips your bed’s frame for better leverage to fuck down into you. The sting of his cock splitting your cunt open has your nails digging into the flesh of his shoulders. His dog tags hang from his neck, swinging like a pendulum as he starts to thrust.

“Fuck, you’re so tight,” he grates out, brows furrowed in pleasure. His hips speed up, barely pulling out halfway before he plunges back into you. The bed squeaks under you, slamming up against the wall as Logan fucks you.

It’s like Logan surrounds every inch of you, strong arms caged around your head while his body covers yours, metal bonded bones pressing you down into the mattress so there’s nothing you can do but take it. You know that he’s ruined every other man in the world for you as the heavy snap of his hips pounds against the skin of your ass hard enough to bruise. The thick muscles of chest bounces as he moves, the coarse hair scraping against your sensitive nipples.

The head of his cock pounds the soft spot inside of you that has your eyes fluttering closed, mind going hazy as heat starts to pool at the base of your spine.

“Don’t fucking stop,” you beg brokenly, tears sting the corners of your eyes. “God! I’m gonna come, you’re gonna make me come–”

“Come on baby,” Logan goads, dropping down to his fore arm so he can bury his face in the crook of your neck, “Give it to me, come on this cock, show me how much you fucking love it,”

The stinging bite of his sharp canines scraping the fluttering pulse of your neck makes you wail, nails raking down his back hard enough to leave long red welts that heal as you go. Your cunt clenches around the pulsing length of his cock, greedily milking him as you come in a rush of wetness around his cock.

“Fuck,” Logan grits out, his hips faltering. It’s not by much, but just enough for you to notice. The rhythmic smack smack smack of skin stuttering as his breath comes out in fast pants against the sweaty skin of your neck. His cock jerks inside you fiercely, his heavy balls tightening as he gets closer to the edge. You can hear the metal frame of your bed creaking warningly under his grip.

“Come in me,” you beg breathlessly, tightening your ankles around his waist. “Please, Logan I need it–”

Logan lets out a feral growl as his hand drops from your headboard, the sharp metallic sound of his claws unsheathing rings out above you before he slams his fist into the mattress next to your head. He floods your insides, pumping you full of his come as he grunts like a beast on top of you. He gives a few more weak thrusts of his hips, letting the two of you ride out your highs before he finally stills.

You hear the quiet snikt of his claws retracting from your mattress and back into between his knuckles before Logan collapses on top of you, arms braced on either side of your head to take most of his weight. His breath puffs raggedly over the skin of your shoulder, his spent cock still snug in your sore cunt. 

“You owe me a new mattress,” you say breathlessly, digging the heels of your feet into his lower back sharply. 

Logan chuckles into your neck, tipping his head up to look at you with dark eyes. His lips curl into a smirk as he rolls his hips, his still hard cock dragging along the sensitive walls of your cunt makes you gasp. “Yeah?” he asks, low and velvety. His eyes flick to the three holes punched through your sheets.

“You can add it to my tab,” he says with another stronger roll of his hips, “We’re not done here.”

tags are now in the comments! if you want to get tagged for any of my works just fill out this form!

a/n! the actual biggest shout out to @ebodebo for beta reading and listening to my non-stop rambling and horny thoughts about this man. she's a true solider because i have been so annoying about this. mwah mwah mwah.

[qveerthe0ry]

The D-Files

Summary: Something weird happens when Dieter tries to post his X-Files fanfiction Word Count: 14,941 Pairing: Dieter Bravo x Fox Mulder x Dana Scully Rating: 18+ mdni Warnings: threesome, oral (m & f receiving), vaginal fingering, unprotected PIV, rimming, d/s undertones, poor explanation of time travel and quantum physics, it's a little cracky tbh Beta: the one and only @for-a-longlongtime obviously A/N: listen. I have ten episodes left of the whole series so if something is totally off and not accurate to x files canon just ignore me :) Also I'm absolutely aware of how completely ridiculous this fic is but I heard the voice of Dieter Bravo speak to me and could not ignore it Ao3 link

Curled up under at least three blankets, in just his underwear, stoned out of his mind (just weed— he’s California sober now) Dieter watches Mulder and Scully shake hands for the first time. 

The first time for them. 

He’s had to have seen this episode at least a thousand times by now. 

He’s in one of those funks again. His therapist calls it a depressive episode, but that’s so dramatic. He’s just a little bit down in the dumps thinking about how worthless he is and how no one’s ever really loved him before, not even his own parents, and how he hates himself so much he’s not sure if he would ever get rid of the guilt of letting someone else love him because he knows he’d just be a waste of their time.

It’s no big deal. Nothing an X-Files rewatch, weed, and a footlong Subway sandwich can’t fix.

Except this time, the way Scully and Mulder instantly mesh so well kind of makes him feel like he smoked too much pot. His stomach’s a little queasy as he watches him give her his undivided attention, and fuck, maybe this is a job above these FBI agents’ pay grade. 

He eyes that stupid notebook on his nightstand, still wrapped in plastic from the Amazon order. 

His therapist told him to start writing his thoughts down in a journal. He doesn’t like writing. It’s not what he does. He can’t stand those actors who think just because they’ve starred in a few movies means they should start writing them, or scrawling down some convoluted, conceited novel. Just fucking act, y’know? 

But as Scully throws herself into Mulder’s arms after knowing him for only a few days, and they both look so comfortable, Dieter rips open the packaging and swallows down the bile threatening his esophagus.

—

I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be doing here. What should I even write down in this thing? How lonely I am? Get in line, right? I’m not the only one. Even though sometimes it feels like I am.

Maybe it feels so bad because I know I did this to myself. Everyone always told me I’d always be a piece of shit. Even when I was young. And I just let their narrative take over and now here I am. The biggest piece of shit. 

It’s like Mulder. Everyone always called him Spooky and said he was too ‘out there’ and he ended up in the basement chasing Bigfoot. 

Except I don’t have a hot redhead in my life to balance me out or slowly fall in love with me.

And I’m not a tall, boyishly handsome, charming FBI agent. 

I’m just a washed-up actor, and a slob, and a drug addict. That’s probably why.

Golly gee, doc, this sure made me feel better.

—

He writes in his journal a bit here and there. He also slowly rots away in his bed, takes far too little showers and far too many THC gummies. He talks to his therapist two weeks later and tells her he’s been writing down his thoughts and her impressed hum and “That’s very good, Dieter” has him riding a high the rest of the afternoon. 

So he keeps it up. 

He doesn’t leave the house much, and when he does, he just wants to get back into his permanently affixed blanket fort to watch more X-Files and get high. 

He writes a little about his day, about what he’s mulling over in his mind. But as he reaches the end of season two, he’s out of his funk enough to start feeling horny again. 

Who wouldn’t, watching the world’s hottest FBI agents on a near constant loop?

So who can blame him when his journal thoughts get a little spicy?

—

God, Mulder’s such an idiot sometimes. So is Scully. They waste so much time getting on each others’ nerves. This entire show is just years-long foreplay. I swear they get off on irritating each other.

I irritate so many people, why aren’t any of them ever turned on about it? 

They should have just let them kiss in the first season. There could have been so much sex. All the motel rooms these two wasted! On the government’s dime, too! 

Rental car sex, alleyway sex, OFFICE sex. The Sex Files. That’s what this show should have been. 

I wonder if Mulder’s better at eating ass or pussy. I just know he’s freaky with all the porn and phone sex hotlines. And the auto erotic asphyxiation thing, can’t forget about that. I’d choke the shit out of him if he wanted that. With my hand or my cock, his choice. 

I wonder if Scully is freaky, too? I think she’d deny it, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she was filthy kinky. She always has to be in control. I wonder if she’d be like that in bed, too? I wonder if she’d get off on torturing me and making me beg. Or maybe she’s always so in control that she wants to relinquish all of it when she’s in bed.

—

Dieter remembers that fanfiction exists shortly after that. 

His dick is raw and he hasn’t even made it through half of the explicit entries on archive of our own. But everything’s so… Vanilla. 

Don’t get him wrong, he’s a total sucker for tender, missionary love-making. But where’s the experimentation? Where’s the creativity? And why the hell does everyone think Fox Mulder is such a dom?

Just look at him.

He’s pathetic. Scully could have him begging on his knees with nothing but the snap of her finger and one of her sexy, stern glances. Maybe he’s projecting a little bit, but not much.

He gripes to his therapist about this while he avoids the topic of his greatest fear being dying without ever having a meaningful relationship in his whole life.

“Have you ever thought about writing your own fanfiction?”

And no, he truly never has. It seems like something so far away from appropriate given his profession. But then again, when has he ever been totally professional?

So he starts writing. At first he finds himself falling into the popular tropes— love confessions and sweet, romantic first times. Just little blurbs in his journal he ends up scrawling out with his pen. There’s enough of that already. He needs to explore the fun stuff with these two.

One night/early morning, he finally grabs his laptop from his rarely-used office. He snuggles up under all the blankets he can find, turns on The X-Files, and gets down to business. 

—

“I’m sorry Scully—”

“Don’t.”

Her icy blue stare pins Mulder in place. His pouty lips close and his sharp jaw clenches as he looks down at his feet.

“You almost got us killed!”

“I wouldn’t have let you get hurt, you know that.”

Scully doesn’t know what comes over her, but she crosses what little distance is between them to grab the back of Mulder’s hair and tug.

His jaw drops and as hard as he tries, he can’t stifle the whimper that slips from his lip. 

“You were reckless with your own life. You can’t— Do you know what I would do if anything ever happened to you?”

Scully’s sharp gaze softens. Tears prickle at Mulder’s eyes, partly from Scully’s death grip and partly because of the way her voice wavers. 

“Scully—”

“Get on your knees.”

——

Dieter fights the heavy, sharp arousal in his gut as he writes Mulder on his knees for Scully. He just knows he’d eat pussy like a champ, what with those sunflower seeds he’s always got between those pillowy lips. He’d be great at sucking cock, too. Dieter thinks they would look so fucking pretty around his own dick.

Or Scully’s strap. 

Perfect.

He stays awake for way too long, writing about Scully trapping Mulder between her thighs for hours, and then making him choke or her strap, and then making him beg and whimper and cry for it as she teases his prostate with her fingers. 

Scully’s so dainty, but the idea of her fucking into her big, tall partner with fury has Dieter leaking into his boxers as he types away. It takes all of Dieter’s willpower to write the sweet aftercare scene. Scully gently cleans up his cum and sweat and tears, telling him what a good boy he was as she pets his hair and kisses his face. 

As soon as Dieter writes the last words, he’s fumbling for his lube and dildo in the bedside drawer. He’s too worked up to prepare properly, and it burns, and he hears Scully’s disappointed tuts in his head as he fucks himself into a mess. 

He whines her name, and Mulder’s name, as filthy images of the two fill his head. 

He comes without even touching his dick. He makes an absolute mess of his sheets and just grinds into the puddle beneath him as he fucks himself through the aftershocks. 

And if he cries a little bit at the thought of two beautiful FBI agents telling him how good he was as they stroke his sweaty skin, that’s between him and his open laptop. 

—

“Do you think I should post my fanfiction?”

His therapist’s perfectly shaped eyebrows perk up. 

“Do you think you should post it?”

“I dunno. Probably not.”

“Why not?”

“Wouldn’t it be a little weird? An actor writing fanfiction about characters his peers portrayed?”

His therapist hums. He knows that’s his cue to keep talking, but they just sit in silence for a bit. 

“Do you want to post it?” She asks. 

He huffs. 

“I don’t know. What if everyone hates it?”

She shrugs and nods at him to continue.

“I’m afraid no one’s gonna read it. Or if they do, they’ll hate it. And leave mean comments.”

“Would that bother you?”

“Well yeah, duh.”

She hums again. Dieter rolls his eyes, half at her but half at himself. 

“I know, I know,” he sighs, “I’m a walking contradiction. I crave praise but I’m too afraid to put myself out there to receive any.”

“That’s not necessarily true. You’re an actor. It’s your job to put yourself out there and be consumed and reviewed.”

“Yeah but that’s not me, it’s just the guy they tell me to play.”

His therapist smiles. 

Shit. 

“I think you know what you need to do, Dieter.”

He does leave that therapy session crying, thirty minutes later. If he had a tail, it would be between his legs. 

It takes him six days to work up enough courage to even make an account. And then another two days to pour over every single word he wrote, change it, change it back, wash rinse and repeat. 

When he finally works up the nerve to post it, his laptop dies just as he’s about to press the publish button. 

You gotta be kidding me, he thinks, maybe this is a sign.

But then he thinks about what his therapist would say, that things that are worth it rarely come easy, and that he should probably stop assuming everything is a sign, and so he plugs his laptop in and waits for it to charge enough to come back to life. 

It’s the longest four minutes of his life. 

He stares at the black screen in silence. He blinks at his reflection as he listens to the storm brewing outside his window, only flinching slightly as lightning illuminates his dark room. 

His heart leaps up into his throat when the screen lights up again. Everything’s right where he left it. All he has to do is press that little button. 

He takes one, two, three deep breaths with his finger on the trigger and then—

CRACK

—

Everything hurts. Like, bad.

Dieter groans and tries to blink his eyes open. It’s bright. He’s no stranger to waking up in an unfamiliar place with a terrible headache and no recollection of how or why he’s there. However, he hasn’t touched a party drug in a year and a half, and hasn’t even been to a party for even longer than that. 

He finally blinks away the sleep in his eyes. He’s on the cold ground. The grass is plush and dewy under him. When he sits up, the world spins around him for a few moments and he just barely keeps his stomach from emptying. 

He checks his pockets. At least he has his phone on him. No wallet, though. And he’s in his pajamas, which is fine, not unusual attire for most of his outings. 

He goes to unlock his phone but of course it’s dead. 

Shit. 

He looks around a bit more and all this scenery does not look like Los Angeles. There are hills in the distance that are much more rolling than the jagged peaks in California. The smell of campfire fills the air and it’s humid, he realizes. Stiflingly so. 

He stands up. His joints ache even more than they usually do, stiff and popping. When he runs his hand through his hair he’s got wicked bed head. 

At least he can make out a dirt path amongst the grass and trees around him. He follows it for a while, and just as he thinks he might be wandering to his own death out in the boonies he sees a little shack in the clearing just by what seems to be a lake. 

It looks… Strangely familiar, despite the fact that he’s certain he’s never been here before. There’s a sign that reads “Bait & Tackle” that’s seen better days and a big giant inflatable… something tied down to the roof. 

He scratches his head as he stares. He has the feeling of something being on the tip of his tongue, but it’s on the tip of his brain instead. 

As he approaches, a high-pitched growl startles him out of his daze. His eyes frantically search for the source, and as he walks closer he spots it.

A tiny little yappy Pomeranian, tan and fluffy. 

It hits him all at once. 

He gasps and moves toward the fiesty little thing as his heart pounds. There’s no way…

It snarls and yaps at him as he crouches down to greet it— him. 

Once he starts giving the dog butt pats and head scratches, it warms up to him pretty quickly. He searches for the dog tag hiding under all that fur and gasps as he reads it.

QUEEQUEG

“Oh my god, Queequeg, I thought I’d never see you again, buddy.”

The pup wags his tail at the sound of his name and Dieter goes down on his knees to accept him into his lap. 

“How are you real? What’s happening?”

Tears well at Dieter’s eyes as he holds this fictional dog in his arms, who’s been dead since season 3. Sue him, he’s very confused and vulnerable and it was the most devastating death of the series by far.

As he pets the derpy little thing, he tries to wrap his head around everything that’s going on. Last he remembers, he was holding his breath and clicking the mouse pad and now he’s here, in the middle of nowhere Georgia if he remembers his X-Files trivia correctly. 

Which means this sweet little pup is going to die in this… episode? And if he’s in the episode, that means—

“Hey! What are you doing? That’s my dog!”

Dieter’s heart pounds, heavy and fast, like he’s done way too much coke. He looks up with wide eyes and it’s unmistakable, her bright red hair and sexy scowl and the lanky handsome man attached to her hip. 

“Scully?”

Dieter watches her face twist up in confusion, and watches Mulder’s eyebrows raise with a smirk on his face as he looks between him and his partner. 

“You know this guy, Scully?”

She squints at Dieter as they walk closer. He feels very warm under her gaze. He pets Queequeg’s head for comfort.

“No, I don’t. What’s your name?”

Dieter clears his throat. 

“You don’t recognize me?”

Mulder presses his lips together, trying to hide his amused smile as he nudges Scully’s side. 

“Should I?”

“Wait… what year is it?”

Scully’s face turns from annoyed to concerned. She kneels down in front of Dieter and looks into his eyes, and her gaze is too heavy, it spears right through him. 

“It’s 1995. Are you concussed?”

“No, I don’t think so. I mean— Maybe. Probably, to be honest. It’s 1995?”

“Has been for five months, now,” Mulder supplies. 

Dieter nods. 

“Do you know where you are?”

“I think so… listen. You guys aren’t gonna believe this— well, Mulder might believe it— But I’m from the future.”

Scully’s concerned gaze turns right back to annoyed very quickly, and she stands back up to cross her arms. 

Mulder just chuckles. 

“How do you know our names?” He asks.

Dieter feels a little weird on the ground while they’re staring down at him, in a horny way, so he gently places Queequeg back on the gravel to stand up himself.

“Would you believe it if I said I’m from an alternate reality where you guys are the main characters in a cult classic sci-fi television series?”

Mulder blinks at him. Dieter shrugs with a sheepish grin.

“Honestly? That’s more believable than the time travel.”

Dieter smirks. 

“That’s such a Scully thing to say.”

“That is such a Scully thing to say,” Mulder agrees. 

“Oh my god.”

“I can prove it! I swear. C’mon, let’s get this little guy safe and sound in your cabin and I’ll prove everything.”

Mulder shrugs, and gives Scully one of his looks, the c’mon, let’s see where this goes look that Dieter’s so used to seeing. 

She just scoffs.

“Mulder, we don’t have time for this. People are dying left and right, you’re on a wild sea-monster chase, and half the town is—”

“Wait, Scully, look at this guy. He’s going to tell you another body’s been found in the lake. Well— half of a body.”

They all turn to the man running up from the docks, and sure enough, it plays out almost exactly how Dieter remembers from the episode. Scully’s very focused on the legs floating in the lake, but Mulder keeps eyeing him in a way that makes him wish he was wearing something more than just flimsy pajama pants. 

“Scully…” Mulder mumbles as they walk back toward their car, “I think we should hear him out.”

“Hear him out!? We should be shoving him in handcuffs, he’s the only suspect we have that isn’t mythical.”

“I’d be into that, actually,” Dieter says, holding his hands out toward them, wrists pressed together. 

Scully grimaces and Mulder smirks but he drapes an arm around her shoulder in a way that seems suspiciously protective. 

“There’s not enough evidence to cuff him, but we can at least keep him close and see what else we can get out of him.” 

“Mulder—”

“If anything, he can just dogsit for us.”

The way they’re talking about him like he’s not even there makes the tips of his ears burn.

“I’d love to dogsit! I miss Queequeg.”

“What do you mean you miss him? He’s right here.”

Dieter winces. 

“Actually that’s a big plot point in this episode,” Dieter whispers.

They stop at the car and Scully glares at him, and Mulder looks a little bit like he’s just brought a stray dog home without her permission. Dieter kinda likes it.

“You never told us your name,” Scully grills.

“Dieter. Dieter Bravo.”

Mulder huffs. 

“What kind of name is Dieter Bravo? Do you do adult films?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know, Fox?”

The way the giggle bubbles up out of Scully’s chest makes him preen. 

“Alright. Where do you live, Dieter?”

He winces and scratches the back of his neck.

“Los Angeles.”

“Oh brother,” Scully grumbles. 

“How did you get here then?”

“Y’know, it’s the weirdest thing. I was writing a fanfiction about the two of you and when I went to post it, I think lightning struck my house and sent me here.”

The two agents stare at him in silence for so long that Dieter has the time to question every single moment that has led up to this. He determines that this is all his therapist’s fault when Mulder finally clears his throat. 

“You can bunk with me until we get everything sorted out, alright?”

Dieter straightens up and salutes him.

“Yes, sir, Agent Mulder.”

Scully rolls her eyes and turns to open the car door for him, but Mulder smirks.

“I think I kinda like this guy, Scully.”

——

Mulder’s nice enough to let him shower and lend him spare clothes that aren’t caked in mud and grass stains, once they’re back at the cabin. He cleans up in silence trying to wrap his head around this entire pickle he’s in, and how to go about making them believe him.

He’s got his work cut out with Scully, he knows this. But he works over every bit of information he can remember from each season, each episode, to remember something that couldn’t be denied. 

They’re doing their Scully and Mulder thing when he comes out with damp hair and Mulder’s clothes on. (He definitely had to will away a half-chub at the thought of being wrapped in his things.) 

They sit around the small living room with photos and paperwork all sprawled out and Dieter feels like geeking out a little bit. This is like the world’s greatest and most interactive X-Files museum. 

“Okay. I’m going to try to do this in the best way I know how. Just— Bear with me.”

They sit back in their seats, and Dieter lifts Queequeg onto his lap to take his place on the couch. He waits for them to give him a go-ahead, but neither of them are responsive. He tries not to feel so aroused by their focused gazes. Maybe he should have jerked off in the shower, as a precaution.

“Okay then… let’s see… this is Season 3, Episode… 22? So. You guys just went through the whole Skinner thing, right? With his— his bad dreams lady killing that prostitute?”

“How do you know Skinner?”

“I told you, it’s a TV show. Skinner’s always busting your balls. Big tough assistant director business. He’s actually just a softy though, I think.”

Scully looks disinterested and a little annoyed, but Mulder’s starting to shift forward in his seat.

“What’s the show called?”

“The X-Files.”

Scully snorts. 

“How creative.”

“Okay, okay, I know. It sounds whacky. But I’ve seen the show a billion times over, I’ve been unknowingly preparing for this moment since the pilot aired.”

He takes a moment to determine what to say and how to word it before he continues.

“Okay… Well… Your first case together was that weird kid in Oregon that kept helping aliens abduct his classmates. Scully conveniently missed the UFO though. Ever the skeptic. Then… let’s see… Deep Throat turns up in the next episode. Scully, he ended up dying in your arms and his last words were trust no one.”

“Mulder, we’ve been bugged for 90 percent of the time we’ve known each other, this doesn’t mean anything.”

Dieter huffs and Mulder shrugs. 

“Keep going. Give us a deep cut, man. You gotta try harder than that.”

“When did you become the skeptic, Mulder?” 

The agent shrugs and raises his eyebrows to urge him to continue. 

“Okay… Scully, when you were at your god son’s birthday party, you told your friend that Mulder is a jerk.”

“Hey, what the hell, Scully?”

“No, I said he was just—”

“Obsessed with his work, yeah. After you called him a jerk though.”

Dieter hates to see the way Mulder’s eyebrows draw up in the middle. It’s kind of funny to see Scully so embarrassed, though. He figures he’ll keep what else she said to himself, about him being cute, because it looks like she’s praying that he doesn’t blab about it.

“You wound me, Scully.”

“Oh, yeah, and there’s the time you shot Mulder in the shoulder.”

“You’re kind of a bully, y’know?”

Scully shoves at his shoulder to prove their point, and Mulder just laughs and leans into it. 

“Do you want to know what happens in the future? Wait, if I affect the future will the show be different? I dunno how I feel about that… new X-Files episodes in 2024 would be incredible. But what if the new episodes suck, though?”

“2024? That’s what year you’re going with?” 

Dieter nods. 

“It kinda sucks. We have smartphones and streaming services and stuff but also, you wouldn’t believe who the last president was if I told you. Also there was a global pandemic. Still kinda is one, but everyone’s just ignoring it. Actually, come to think of it, you guys would thrive in 2024.”

“Do we die before then?”

“Oh, no, no, the show just finished. And then came back and then— it’s a whole thing. But neither of you die.”

“Hmm.”

Mulder hums, and Dieter knows exactly what he’s thinking. Scully too, by the faraway look on her face. Total idiots. Why couldn’t he have landed at least after the first kiss. Or even the almost-kiss?

“Well, I’m tired, and this case isn’t going to solve itself. And Queequeg needs to go potty, so, I think we’re done here.”

Dieter’s whole body feels hot, like the time he was stabbed in the chest with that epi-pen. He shoots up off the couch so fast that Queequeg yelps and hops down to cower behind Scully’s ankles.

“Wait! It’s an alligator. Literally. It’s just an ordinary alligator killing these people. And if you let Queequeg walk into the woods he’s going to get eaten and if there’s one single thing you believe me about it has to be this, okay? For Queequeg’s sake.”

Dieter’s got his hands clasped in front of him, pleading. Scully looks startled and Mulder looks awed, but he’s desperate to drive this point home. 

“…Okay. I’ll keep him close. Thank you.”

They think he’s crazy. Scully does, at least. Mulder’s just quiet, uncharacteristically so. 

“Thank you.”

“Alright,” she sighs, grabbing Queequeg’s leash and hooking him up, “goodnight guys.”

“Goodnight Scully.”

Dieter sighs and sits back down. 

“She thinks I’m insane, doesn’t she?” 

“Welcome to the club.”

Dieter chuckles and looks to Mulder. He’s still got that pensive look on his face. It suits him, all brooding with that fucking jawline and those plush lips and sad eyes. He wants to kiss him so bad. He almost says it out loud, so used to his horny musings while watching this guy on TV that his filter is a little out of whack. 

Dieter doesn’t even realize he’s staring until Mulder tilts his head at him, confused. He opens his mouth and takes a breath but the door ripping open cuts him off. 

“Mulder, there’s something in the woods; Dieter was right. I think we should check it out.”

Mulder jumps up at her beck and call and seeing it in person is even more overwhelming, how he follows her without question and trusts her, so eagerly. 

“Queequeg?”

“He’s here, can you watch him?”

Dieter nods.

“Me? Yeah, yes ma’am, Agent Scully.”

He doesn’t miss the amused look on her face just before the door slams shut behind them. 

He lies on the couch with Queequeg on his chest, enjoying the silence after the… everythingness of his day. He really wishes he could smoke some pot, but even if he could get his hands on some, he’s sure it would be weak as hell. And there’s the FBI agent thing. 

Dieter’s not sure how long he’s been staring at nothing and snuggling Queequeg when the cabin door finally opens again. 

“Did you catch the alligator?”

The eerie silence he’s met with makes him whip his head around. Scully and Mulder are staring at him. He’s pretty sure 80 percent of his X-Files fantasies have started exactly like this. 

“… We did. We caught it just in time to save Ted Bertram.”

“That’s the guy with the lake monster feet, right?”

They both nod slowly. 

Queequeg hops down from his perch on Dieter’s chest, so he sits up. 

“I told you. You guys believe me now?”

He watches as Mulder nods his head yes and Scully shakes her head no. All he can do is shrug and start wondering what’s next for him, in the year of 1995.

“Hey, do you guys need an assistant? I could tell you how to solve the next case! I think it’s the one with the mind control cable. Mulder, are you really red-green color blind? I think that was a major plot hole. How do you tell the difference between human blood and alien blood if one is red and one is green, then?”

“Mulder’s not colorblind,” Scully says. 

“Uhh… Actually, yeah. I am.”

“What? How did you pass the color vision test?”

“I’m colorblind, not an idiot. I can still tell them apart, they just look different to me than they would to you.”

“I— I can’t believe you’ve been colorblind this entire time.” 

Mulder shrugs. Then his brow quirks up.

“Why does that matter?”

“I’m not sure I should tell you. It might mess with the space-time continuum and— quantum physics, you know?”

Scully’s clearly had enough. She sighs and finally kicks off her shoes. 

“I’m grabbing a shower and clearing my head,” she says, “don’t— don’t let him out of your sight for now, Mulder.”

Mulder nods and half smiles at her. They both look pretty tired. He wants to remind them that he’s the one who traveled 29 years into the past today, but it seems like a pretty sore subject. 

They stand still and silent in the living room until Scully closes her bedroom door behind her, Queequeg in tow.

“You heard the woman. There’s a TV in my room.”

Mulder nods toward the other bedroom door and Dieter follows dutifully.

“Does it get the good channels?”

He hears Mulder chuckle and watches from behind as he sheds his jacket. He admires all those lean muscles in his back, now that he’s not wearing one of those god awful baggy suits. Maybe he should suggest a tailor, he thinks, and wonders if the later seasons would be filled with more eye candy if he did. 

“You know about that?”

“All the video tapes that aren’t yours? And the hotline lady that leaves messages on your answering machine? Yeah. You wouldn’t believe what porn is like in thirty years. You’re gonna love it.”

Dieter’s torn between looking away and staring shamelessly while Mulder unbuttons his fly. He settles for nonchalant, hoping his eyes don’t pop out of their sockets like a cartoon character when he notices the outline of Little Mulder. This is even better than the gray sweatpants in the Humbug episode. 

“I was hoping to kick the habit in thirty years’ time, actually.”

Dieter shrugs and his staring contest with Mulder’s crotch ends abruptly as he slides into a pair of pajama pants. Which is weird, because usually Mulder sleeps in his underwear. Must be the fact that he’s sharing a cabin with Scully.

Mulder throws Dieter the remote and settles onto the bed. There’s no couch in here, not even a cuck chair, so Dieter settles next to him. His whole body burns. God, if 20-year-old Dieter could see himself now, he’d ruin the pants he was wearing. 

The silence feels a little awkward, so he turns the TV on. Nineties TV is so simple. It’s easy to settle on a channel playing Invasion of the Body Snatchers and sink into the mattress under him. 

It only takes a few moments before he realizes Mulder’s staring holes into the side of his face. 

“What’s up?” Dieter asks. 

There’s so little room between them it’s making Dieter’s entire body throb along with his pulse. 

“You’re telling the truth.”

Dieter nods and tries to give him a reassuring smile. Mulder sighs and throws his head back onto the pillow. His eyes close and his brows furrow and his jaw does that sexy clenching thing again. It’s all Dieter can do to not bite at it and soothe the sting with his tongue. 

“What happens to us?”

Dieter clears his throat.

“I mean— I know, you shouldn’t affect the future, yadda yadda. I just…”

Fuck it, Dieter thinks, if I’ve already solved the case way before the episode is supposed to end, I’ve thrown everything off anyway.

“You end up together.”

Mulder lets out a big, long breath. His face instantly relaxes. His hands flex by his sides and Dieter goes out on a big giant limb and grabs one of them.

Mulder starts at the touch, but lets it happen. 

“When?”

“Way later than you should have shacked up, in my opinion.”

He grumbles. 

“My opinion, too.”

“You should make a move, then. I’m pretty sure at this point she’s only waiting for you to make a move.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Oh, it’s a whole thing involving a shapeshifting guy with a tail. Trust me. She’s got it just as bad.”

They’re still holding hands. Mulder hasn’t moved a muscle. An idea so bright pops into Dieter’s head that he’s certain there’s a lightbulb floating above him. 

“You know when you met Bambi on that cockroach case?”

Mulder nods. 

“She was so jealous. Didn’t you pick up on that?”

“I— I thought so. But I also thought she was just annoyed with me, y’know, how she usually is.”

Dieter squeezes his hand. 

“She was annoyed because she’s into you, dude. It was envy. Very, very clearly.”

He hums. 

“So? What now? Do I apologize for something that happened months ago? You apparently know Scully as well as I do, how do you think that’ll blow over? ‘Hey, sorry I made you jealous because you have a big fat crush on me.’ She’d deck me.”

Dieter shakes his head. 

“No, man. You need to make her jealous. So jealous she can’t deny why she’s upset with you.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah, and I mean, why not just start right now, y’know? Get a head start on the whole thing. I mean, you’re here, I’m here, there’s only one bed…”

“If I didn’t know any better I’d think you were coming onto me.”

“I would love to come on you, actually.”

Mulder laughs, and Dieter deflates a little at the sound. But when he goes to pull his hand away, Mulder cinches it in his own. 

“Dieter…”

“Mulder.”

“We’re doing this, then?”

Dieter nods like an overexcited puppy wagging its tail. Oh my god. Oh my god. Fox Mulder in his prime, how fucking lucky can one guy be?

Mulder glances at the door to make sure it’s open. The faint sound of running water can be heard from Scully’s room, and he thinks he smells her shampoo wafting out with the steam. 

Like two nervous teenagers, they shift to face one another. Dieter brings their joined hands together on his own hip. Mulder’s palm is warm on his skin where his shirt rides high, and it makes Dieter’s breath hitch. 

Slowly, Dieter urges him to keep his hand still with a squeeze before mirroring Mulder’s, creeping his hand under his shirt and feeling his solid, trim waist.

Mulder hums into his touch and Dieter realizes this man is possibly just as touch-starved as he is. He starts swirling circles into his skin with his thumb and inches forward, but those beautiful hazel eyes hold apprehension in their timid gaze.

“What if this blows up in my face?” Mulder whispers.

“It won’t. I guarantee it. I’ll make sure of it. Trust me?”

A soft grin tugs at Mulder’s lips and he nods, and it’s all the permission Dieter needs.

Christ, his lips are soft. Soft and plush and exactly how Dieter imagined only a million times better. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt this good, not on any drug, and they’re just kissing. 

It’s chaste until he feels Mulder’s tongue prod at the seam of his lips and then it’s filthy. As soon as Dieter opens his mouth to him, Mulder takes it with a grunt. His blunt nails dig into the soft flesh at Dieter’s hip as he traces the arch of his bottom teeth. Dieter tries to keep up, but his brain constantly shorts out at the thought of who’s tongue is poking and prodding around in his mouth. 

He’s a great fucking kisser. His tongue tickles the roof of Dieter’s mouth and it makes him shiver, makes his cock swell against his borrowed sweatpants, against Mulder. 

He doesn’t seem deterred. Quite the opposite actually. He tugs Dieter by the hip and presses his own solid prick right up against Dieter’s, and they both groan into the sloppy kiss. 

“It’s been quite a while,” Mulder says. 

Dieter can’t tell if the huffed little laugh is directed toward the eager way he chases Mulder’s lips, or toward himself for being out of practice. He likes the thought of either. 

“For me, too,” Dieter mumbles. 

Mulder hums and rolls his hips. As their dicks press together and twitch, Dieter decides they are not naked enough by any means. 

He presses his hand up, up, bringing Mulder’s shirt with it and grabbing a handful of his sturdy pec, admiring how stiff it feels under his palm when his lungs inflate. He gets with the program, and Dieter pulls his own shirt over his head, then promptly salivates over all the lean muscles and wiry hair and pale skin in front of him. 

“Fuck,” he breathes.

It’s not until Mulder’s breath hitches does he realize he might actually be into this, not just their plan, but being here in bed with Dieter. His pretty hazel eyes are dark now, pupils blown out, and his chest is heaving, and the tent in his pajama pants is far too enticing to resist. 

Dieter reaches down to cup him through the flannel material and Mulder gasps and falls flat onto his back. His eyes close and his jaw hangs open like an invitation. Dieter wiggles and shifts to press up against the length of his side and to finally press his face into the crook of his neck. 

The hint of aftershave that’s been teasing him all day is now overwhelming his senses, sharp and spicy. Dieter is delighted to know that his skin tastes just as delicious as it smells, salty and heady under his tongue. Mulder’s prick throbs in his grasp and Dieter’s torn between wanting to tease him over his pants and feel the hot skin of his cock in his palm. 

“Feels good,” Mulder whispers. 

“Yeah?”

“Mmm.”

Dieter nips at his racing pulse first, then down to his jaw and the impressive five o’clock shadow he’s always been jealous and in awe of. The prickly hairs there tickle his tongue and lips, and he grinds into the outside of Mulder’s thigh for a bit of relief. 

“You think about Scully doing this?” 

The way Mulder’s dick jolts in his grasp is answer enough, but he speaks up anyway. 

“Yes.”

The admission is so hot it makes Dieter’s brain spin. He himself has thought of it many times before, Scully torturing him with teasing touches, her little sharp canines digging into his flesh, but the thought of Mulder thinking of it too… 

All those heated glances Dieter’s mulled over, he wonders how many of those were fueled by Mulder’s dirty thoughts about her. Wonders how many times he’s seen a flash of something in Mulder’s gaze and it’s been him fantasizing about getting Scully in bed. 

Dieter huffs against the heated skin of Mulder’s neck before he pulls back. His head his thrown back, eyes squeezed shut, and he’s fucking gorgeous. He lightens his touch, teases the underside of his cock with one fingertip, and delights in the pleasure scrawled across Mulder’s face. 

“How often?”

Mulder’s gravelly chuckle is cut off by a low groan when Dieter presses against his sac over his pajamas. 

“All the time,” he confesses, “every time.”

“In the office?”

Mulder whimpers and nods his head. 

“On the job, in the field?”

“God yes.”

Dieter hums, squeezes his balls to goad him into continuing.

“When she— when she’s so serious, it’s hot. She’s so smart, it turns me on.”

Dieter smirks. He completely sympathizes.

“You like it when she debunks you?”

Mulder whines and nods his head again. Dieter tries his hardest not to react to the sound of the water shutting off across the cabin, or Scully’s door creaking open. Instead, he shoves his hand down Mulder’s pants and hopes to god he keeps his eyes closed, hopes Scully’s ever present need to call out his name is tampered down when she inevitably hears him talking. 

Mulder gasps and raises his hips into the circle of Dieter’s hand, and his brows furrow as he shuts his eyes even tighter.

“Why?”

Mulder moans. 

“Because she— she balances me out. Makes me feel even. Whole.”

Dieter chuckles. 

“Aww, does she complete you, Foxy?” 

He scoffs but bites his lip when Dieter thumbs at his head and spreads his slick, sticky pre-cum all around. 

“Tell me what you think about, Mulder.”

His breathing is so ragged that Dieter thinks he should maybe be concerned. But he can tell things are about to come to a head, can hear Scully’s little footsteps inching closer to their room, pointedly quiet. 

“Her, I think about her body against mine. And touching her.”

As if on cue, fiery red hair peeks through the door frame. Dieter’s got his free hand up and a finger at his lips before Scully’s face can even twist up in concern and shock. He gives her a pleading look as she stands stock-still and wide-eyed. 

“Where would you touch Scully, if she was here?”

“Everywhere. Anywhere she wants me to. I just wanna make her feel good.”

Dieter turns his head back to Mulder to confirm that his eyes are still closed. They are, positively scrunched shut as sweat threatens to penetrate his brows and slip into his eyes.

“Do you wanna taste her?” 

Mulder’s breath hitches and his cock pulses and dribbles more against Dieter’s hand. 

“Yes, yes, so bad. I think about it every time I— every time I touch myself.”

Dieter turns back to Scully. Her hair is damp and her silky pajama top is unbuttoned more than it was just a moment ago. It just barely hides her heaving chest and he has a hard time not giving her away when he realizes his plan is working. Her lips are parted and wet, like she’s licked them, and god he really fucking hopes they don’t kick him out once this all comes to a head. 

“You do?” 

“Mm-hmm,” Mulder nods, “I could spend the rest of my life down there and die happy.”

Dieter chuckles then, and Mulder does too, but he opens his eyes. It takes him just a second to blink and adjust but, ever the vigilant one, his eyes jolt toward the now closed bedroom door and Scully standing in front of it. His body goes stiff and still, aside from his prick, which twitches wildly in Dieter’s grasp. 

Mulder’s voice cracks amusingly around Scully’s name. She crosses her arms and lifts one of her perfectly shaped eyebrows as she shuffles to the foot of the bed. 

“Boys.”

Dieter smiles sheepishly at her. Mulder’s staring and gaping like a fish out of water, all tense now, one elbow on the bed so he can prop himself up. Dieter doesn’t miss the way Scully’s eyes trace over his naked torso or the activity going on at the front of Mulder’s pajamas. 

“Is it true, Mulder?”

He’s nodding his head before she can even finish the question. 

“Yeah, Scully. I—” 

He cuts himself off when Dieter squeezes and strokes him, and Scully’s gaze is locked on the movement.

“It certainly feels like the truth,” Dieter supplies. 

Mulder whimpers under him and Dieter swears he sees Scully’s ears perk up at the sound, like some kind of predator. 

“Mulder, c’mere.”

God, the way he follows so readily, like he always does, it warms Dieter’s heart just as much as it makes his dick throb. He kneels on the edge of the bed right in front of her. His cock is protruding obscenely out in front of him, but Scully doesn’t seem to care about that. 

No, she’s focused on his face instead where it’s settled gently between her dainty hands. God, the way they look at each other is so fucking intoxicating. Dieter’s bound by it, physically stuck on the mattress as he watches. 

Her brows furrow slightly as she looks at him, but Mulder’s face is slack, almost dazed as he meets her eyes. 

“What did he tell you, Mulder?” 

Mulder shifts awkwardly from knee to knee. His mouth opens and closes a few times, and she giggles under her breath. 

“You’re not in trouble.”

Dieter laughs, and god, it’s so fucking weird. It’s like he’s watching a director’s cut. 

Mulder sighs, though. 

“We end up together, Scully. You and me. And I— I believe it. I believed it long before this guy showed up, and it… Out of everything I believe, everything I’ve been working toward… it might be the only belief I have that keeps me going.”

Scully’s gaze grows soft as his confession, and Dieter refrains from squealing in delight at how sweet Mulder sounds and how Mulder it all is.

“Why now, then?”

Mulder huffs and tries to turn away, but she keeps his face tight in her grasp. His cheeks are so pink. 

“Just worked up the guts, I guess.”

Dieter doesn’t miss the quick flicker of Scully’s eyes down to his lips. His fingers twitch with the urge to smash their faces together. 

She sighs and brushes some errant strands of hair from Mulder’s forehead. 

“Well,” she says, and her voice wavers with a heavy breath, “I’m glad one of us did.”

Mulder visibly melts. His shoulders slump and he leans forward into her touch. His face loses all of that tension from earlier, and his lips look loose when Scully’s own finally brushes against them. 

He’s so gentle with her, in a way he definitely wasn’t with Dieter. His hands are nearly hovering over her with how lightly he places them on her waist. His lips stay slack and still as he lets her control the kiss. The only thing giving him away is the comical bobbing of his prick disrupting the front of his pajamas, and there’s no way Dieter can blame him for that. 

One of Scully’s hands tangles in Mulder’s hair and produces a beautiful, high pitched sound that Dieter and Scully both react to. 

She pulls away. Mulder chases her lips, but her grip on his hair tightens. He curses under his breath with a face more flushed than Dieter’s ever seen on him.

Her eyes flicker over to Dieter and he feels like a deer in headlights. Why is he still here? Is this weird, is he being a creep for staying? 

“C’mere,” she mumbles, tipping her head to urge him to kneel right beside Mulder on the bed. 

He does, of course he does. He wants to be good for her, for them.

He kneels, shoulder to shoulder with the man panting beside him. He grasps his hands behind his back and waits patiently as she looks the both of them over. 

“What did I walk in on, Dieter?”

The way his name sounds coming from her low, rasping voice makes his spine tingle. 

“It was my idea, Agent Scully. I was trying to make you jealous. I’m sorry.”

She clicks her tongue and the noise makes his cock throb. 

“And you went along with this plan?”

She looks back to Mulder and Dieter shivers. He instantly misses the warmth of her gaze. 

“I— yeah. I did... It worked, didn’t it?”

Scully’s eyes narrow, and Dieter can’t tell if Mulder’s an idiot or a genius for riling her up. He should have known Fox Mulder would be a brat. He thinks if he plays his cards right, maybe Scully will forget the whole plot and he can be her good boy while Mulder gets punished for his smart mouth. 

A whimper falling from Mulder’s parted lips knocks him out of his daze and he notices Scully’s grip all tight in his floppy hair. 

Fuck, he wishes that were him. Maybe he should mouth off too, maybe then he’ll get the attention that he craves. 

“Get on your knees, Mulder.”

“I am on my knees.”

Dieter gasps as Scully tugs on his hair and leaves him no choice but to scramble off of the edge of the bed, lest she rip all that perfectly coiffed hair out of his head. His shoulders rise and fall with baited breath when he’s finally sunken his knees on the gaudy rug on the hardwood floors. Dieter whimpers and no one’s even touching him. 

“You too, time bandit.”

Dieter gets whiplash with how quickly he gets on his knees for her. He breathes out a labored ‘yes ma’am’ and Mulder throws him a look of disbelief. He shrugs, what can I say?

They’re both rock hard for her, on the floor, staring up at her. She looks like an angel, or the devil, or maybe like God herself. Her breathing is suspiciously calm compared to their own, even though her nipples create tantalizing nubs at the front of her silk pajamas. 

“Keep your eyes forward, both of you.”

Dieter nods at her commanding voice. He wants to look to Mulder for— direction? Comfort? Some kind of trauma bonding? But he doesn’t. He wants to be good. 

He hears Scully behind them, bed creaking under her weight, sheets ruffling underneath her. There’s a pregnant pause where all of their heavy breathing can be heard and the anticipation is so much Dieter might explode on the spot. 

“Strip.”

Twin breaths release from both Dieter and Mulder and he swears he hears her giggle behind them. He’s quick to comply, tugging at the drawstring of Mulder’s sweats he’s borrowed and awkwardly shuffling them off while he tries to stay kneeling. 

He notices Mulder still motionless beside him. 

“Scully…”

Idiot, Dieter thinks. 

“Good boy, Dieter, doing exactly what I say.”

He can’t help the satisfied smirk that twists his lips up, or the way the back of his neck burns at the praise. In his peripheral, Mulder hastily shucks his pajama pants. 

He has a pretty cock. Dieter knew he would. Everything else about him is pretty. It’s long and lean, just like he is, and the upward curve of it makes him jealous. It’s going to feel so good for Scully, if she lets him fuck her. 

There’s more shuffling behind them, and he flinches when a pair of satin pajama pants land on the floor in front of both of them. He has to dig his nails into his thighs to resist the urge to turn around. Something nudges his arm. He doesn’t dare move his head, but from the corner of his eye he sees a pale, smooth leg and his breath catches in his chest. 

He hears Mulder curse under his breath and can nearly feel the tension in him vibrating out energy into this rickety old cabin. Dieter feels a gentle hand in the short curls at the back of his neck just a moment later, her nails scraping his scalp just right, and his leg may just start shaking like a dog’s.

“You want to taste me, Mulder?”

“Fuck yes, Scully, please.”

She hums. Her hand in Dieter’s hair stills. 

“Go on, then.”

A lightning flash of movement stirs beside him, but Dieter keeps dutifully still. He’s twitching in anticipation but he doesn’t dare turn to look. 

Scully sighs, all breathy and high-pitched, and Dieter’s never heard a more beautiful sound. Then Mulder whimpers, and it’s muffled by Scully’s thighs, and there’s a wet smacking noise and Dieter thinks this obscene music could be a platinum album. 

Scully gasps, and Mulder groans, and Dieter aches. He can smell her, a sharp and tangy scent of arousal underneath the flowery soap and shampoo. Her hand is still in his hair and it hasn’t moved since Mulder got down to business and he feels forgotten about but in the best way.

“Dieter, honey, you can watch.”

He breathes out with relief and shifts to get a good look of the action. She’s perfect, gorgeous, breathtaking. Her silky pajama top hangs open on her pointy shoulders and her perky breasts rise and fall with her breathing. Her nipples are a brownish pink that stand erect in a way that makes his mouth water like a leaky faucet.

Her toned, porcelain legs spread wide enough to accommodate Mulder’s shoulders. The man is greedy, and Dieter can’t see a thing aside from the triangle of copper curls on her mound. He wants to nuzzle them so bad, he wants to feel them tickle his nose, smell the arousal that catches there. 

“You taste so good.”

Mulder’s words are squished against her center. Dieter whimpers at the thought of her flavor. Her hand soothes through his hair. He wants to touch his cock so badly, but Scully hasn’t told him that he’s allowed. Instead, he balls his hands into fists and bites his lip. 

Scully moans, and Dieter watches her face fall slack with pleasure. 

“Feels good, just like that.”

Dieter can’t help the sounds that eke out of him, desperate and a little pained. He’s so hard that he’s lightheaded, but Scully’s firm grip on his hair grounds him just enough. 

“Don’t be selfish, Mulder.”

He makes a questioning noise between her legs. He looks up at her with wide eyes, mouth open, tongue out and flat against her slit. 

“Give him a taste.”

“Oh fuck, please.”

Dieter can see the reluctance in Mulder’s motions, like he’s struggling to break free from her orbit. He looks so fucking hot, absolutely wrecked. His plush lips are red and shiny and his chin is dripping and his pupils completely usurp his irises. Drunk, drugged off of Scully.

He leans away from Dieter to make room between her legs but she tugs his hair. Then she tugs Dieter’s hair, and their noses are bumping together before either man can put two and two together. 

He can smell her on his breath. It’s so intoxicating that he loses any crumb of decorum he may have had left. He licks a broad swipe from Mulder’s chin to his Cupid’s bow and groans at all the slick he’s able to lap up. 

Mulder’s mouth opens up to him, and he chases the taste of her off of his tongue, his teeth, his gums, anywhere. They’re both panting into each other's mouths, exchanging breath. Dieter feels a big, strong hand on his jaw and neck, and the contrast to Scully’s smaller, gentler touch has him leaking all over the rug underneath him. He feels like he’s drowning, and he just wants to go even deeper, like even death won’t be enough. 

He waits for Scully to say anything about Mulder touching him. When she doesn’t, he takes it as permission to reach up and find purchase in his hair. His fingers tingle when they find Scully’s still there, and his whole body shudders and twitches when she links her fingers with his. 

“You want more?” 

It’s depraved, the way they both pull away from the kiss so fast. Dieter’s nodding and looking toward her, her glistening cunt, her smooth skin and her mischievous gaze. 

“Please, Scully,” Mulder mumbles. 

His head lolls back against Scully’s thigh so he can look up at her. He looks like he’s just run a marathon, the way sweat is beading at his forehead and his chest is heaving. 

“Yes, please, Agent Scully.”

She chuckles. The sound is torture and it’s bliss. She ruffles Dieter’s hair and he hums and leans into it. Mulder whimpers at the lack of attention, so she ruffles his too. 

And then she spreads her thighs even wider, like, gymnast levels of flexibility, and both of their eyes are drawn to the way her lips spread open in invitation, puffy red, her clit all swollen while she drips onto the old comforter under her.

“Think you can share?”

Dieter curses. Mulder whimpers against her thigh.

“Play nice, boys.”

Mulder looks at him with a heated gaze that makes him a little bit scared but really really horny.

“Yes ma’am,” Dieter says, but he’s staring at Mulder. 

Be good, he’s trying to tell him through telepathy, we’ll get rewarded if you’re just good.

Mulder glances up at her, bats his pretty little eyes, and licks his slick lips. 

“Yes ma’am.”

It sounds more teasing than anything, but Dieter doesn’t miss the way she squirms when Mulder says it. He just has that effect, doesn’t he? Such a charming little shit. 

He and Dieter look at each other, assessing, when Mulder finally goes low. It’s a little bit awkward, at first. Dieter’s jaw prods at Mulder’s sharp cheekbone as they find a good position. 

He traces around her clit with a pointed tongue, delicately, so eager to work her up. He can hear Mulder’s tongue fucking in and out of her, a wet cacophony of sounds that make his ears ring. So much so that he nearly doesn’t catch the sounds of Scully’s breath hitching, her soft little mewls as her hips cant up into their faces. 

He’s hyper focused on her pleasure, so lost in it that he doesn’t even recognize how turned on he is until a heavy, warm hand wraps around his cock and he nearly blows his load. His tongue presses broadly against Scully’s clit when he groans. She curses and her hand tightens in his hair and it’s so much. 

He reaches out for anything, really, but Mulder’s cock is there, hard and proud and twitching when he wraps his hand around him. He finds solace in the fact that he’s leaking just as much as Dieter is, sticky and slick all the way down the underside of his shaft. His noises get breathier, and his tongue seeks higher ground just as Dieter’s travels lower. They lap at her folds together, briefly, trapping them between their tongues, trading their tastes as she whines above them. Dieter doesn’t even realize his free hand has grasped Scully’s slender hip until she squirms against it. 

All of a sudden, Dieter feels her go stiff under his grasp. Her hand tightens in his hair just shy of enough to make him lose it. She lets out stuttered little sounds and Mulder hums below him. 

“You like that, Scully?”

“Oh my god, Mulder.”

He groans and shifts and she begs and Dieter’s aroused haze clears enough to make him realize that he’s eating her ass. 

He makes a pained sound himself and sucks Scully’s throbbing clit into his mouth. She shakes, and her stiff body loosens just enough for her to roll her hips into them. 

“Don’t— don’t stop, I’m so close. I’m gonna come.”

Neither of them would dream of stopping, not for anything. Dieter works his tongue in pulses against her clit as he suckles, and he feels Mulder slip a finger in between them just as she cries out, loud, and falls apart against their tongues. 

Dieter drinks up the way her clit jerks and pulses between his lips. He drinks up her gasps and breathy noises. He drinks up the way Mulder’s cock mirrors his own, twitching with pure arousal at the way she’s coming just for them.

They’re both humming satisfied sounds as they work her through it. Their hands on each other’s cocks have stilled completely, just a loose grasp as they coax every last bit of pleasure out of her until she’s lax and shying away from them. 

Dieter pulls away first. He watches with a sticky feeling in his chest at the way Mulder kisses her holes gently, and the skin around them, nuzzling between her thighs so tenderly. Both his hands free, now, Mulder soothes them up the outside of her thighs as they tremble in her aftershocks. 

Mulder’s babbling, Dieter realizes, once the ringing in his ears finally subsides. Just under his breath, a chant, over and over.

“So perfect, Scully, thank you, thank you, Jesus Christ, Scully…”

Dieter settles back on his heels to keep gazing at them. Scully’s hands both pet through his hair as he leaves wet kisses that make her pale thighs glisten in the dim cabin lighting. He’s panting harder than she is, and his prick dribbles and twitches, and he looks up at her through misty eyes. 

“Oh, Mulder,” she sighs.

She bends down at the same time he arches up and their lips meet in a kiss so blindingly passionate that Dieter debates whether or not he should look away. Only for a split second though. Because Scully moans into his mouth and licks herself out of it and Dieter grabs his throbbing dick at the base to chill himself out. 

Mulder’s fingers run through her damp hair so gently, but his jaw works and his mouth takes from her in stark contrast. They look so goddamn good together, it’s insane. He’s torn between holding off to see how this plays out, or coming all over himself in three strokes or less as he watches them together. 

“Come up here, Mulder.”

Her voice is intoxicating, it sounds so fucked out and blissful. She shuffles up the bed some and Mulder chases her, always touching at some point, until she’s lying back and he’s covering her body with his own. 

He dwarfs her. It’s cute, in the show, the way she’s always looking up at him with a craned neck. Now, it’s just filthy, how Mulder’s cock looks so fucking huge lying hard against her small frame. The way he has to scrunch himself up to kiss her so his prick doesn’t go anywhere it’s not supposed to, yet. The way her tiny feet rub up and down Mulder’s calves, only half their size. 

The way his hand eclipses her face when he cradles it and pulls away. How his thumb sweeps so easily from her lips to her cheekbone as he sighs. 

“Scully…”

She hums and closes her eyes and smiles, a sated and relieved grin that makes her look so serenely beautiful. 

“I know, Mulder,” she sighs, “me too.”

Dieter huffs. Chris Carter himself couldn’t have created a more Mulder and Scully-esque love confession. It’s precious. He might cry. 

Unfortunately, the sound makes them both look over. Scully’s all relaxed but Mulder’s hackles are all raised, like he’s been caught doing something he shouldn’t. Dieter slowly moves his hand away from his leaking cock and feels himself blush from his face down to his nipples. 

He’s caught in their crosshairs, stuck, eerily still and silent. Should he offer to leave? He really doesn’t want to leave. Maybe he can just peek through the keyhole of the door and leave them to it. 

“You too, Dieter,” Scully says, “get up here.”

Relief floods through him and makes his limbs all tingly. He’s nervous as he stands, gently making his way to the side of the bed and settling one knee on, then the other. Mulder shifts to the opposite side of Scully, their legs still tangled, as he watches Dieter with emotion he can’t quite put a name to. 

Dieter practically purrs when he slides right into their space. His cock drags a sticky design onto Scully’s smooth thigh and he apologizes, but she just chuckles and gently scratches her nails along his scalp. 

“Are you both going to be good for me?”

The tone of her voice makes them both shiver. Mulder huffs out a laugh but Dieter gasps as she tugs a little at his messy, sweaty curls. 

“Yes ma’am, Agent Scully.”

Dieter’s voice completely betrays him. He’s so turned on. There’s so much blood pumping to his cock that there’s a real and serious threat of him passing out. He hides his face in her shoulder and tries to even out his breathing and not hump her leg like an unruly dog. 

“I’ll be good for you, Scully.”

Mulder sounds a lot more in control. His deep, syrupy voice is just shy of even, only cracking on the second syllable of her name. Dieter feels the way she starts giggling before he hears it, her shoulders jostling with it. 

“You’re going to play by the rules, Mulder?”

He chuckles and it sounds dark, and Dieter opens his eyes to watch him smirk that irresistible smirk. 

“Hell, Scully, I’d write the rules over and over on the chalkboard to keep this going.”

She rolls her eyes at him, but she’s still grinning. His eyes flicker to her lips and there’s no hesitation this time when they kiss again. It’s tame and loose, until Scully wraps her dainty hand around his cock and he groans. Dieter matches his sound, and he just can’t help it, he rolls his hips into Scully’s thigh as he watches Mulder melt into a puddle against her. She bites at his plush bottom lip before she pulls back. 

“Fuck me, then.”

“Jesus,” they both say in unison. 

Scully bites her lip to keep in her giggles and it’s cute and debauched and insane. She’s insane. She’s going to kill them both, and Dieter’s going to return to his reality with 8 less seasons of The X-Files, and a season finale where Scully gets locked up for double homicide.

Mulder shuffles to straddle her. Dieter watches his heavy eyelids flutter and his jaw hang open and knows he likely looks the same. His cock twitches heavily where it hangs below him, and Scully teases the underside of it with her fingertips. He shivers, and so does Dieter, where he rocks his hips gently into Scully’s smooth skin. 

“You’re sure, Scully?” 

Dieter turns away and hides his heated face in the duvet. It’s too tender and raw and he doesn’t deserve to watch them love each other like this. 

“Positive, Mulder.”

He hears them kissing, wet, smacking sounds that give Dieter goosebumps. And then a whimper, a huff, muffled into Scully’s mouth and he drags his face away from its hiding spot. 

Mulder’s inching inside of her slowly, so slowly, with patience Dieter couldn’t even dream of. He cranes his neck to watch her take him, inch by inch. She looks so tight, and he bets she is, if the way Mulder’s eyes are squeezed shut is any indication.

Scully’s head tips back and breaks their kiss. Her eyes roll into the back of her head before she closes them. Her chest is heaving now with shallow breaths, her nipples taut and inviting.

“Oh my god,” she whispers. 

Mulder’s hips stay flush once he’s all the way in and he pants too. It looks like it takes all the strength he has to just flutter his eyes open and look down at her. His brows furrow and he licks his lips and gasps. 

“Scully,” he whines. 

She smirks, and christ, Dieter knows she’s clenching around him like a menace. Poor Mulder. He’s got the restraint of a god, he thinks, Dieter wouldn’t have made it even halfway inside of her. 

She soothes him by brushing the hair from his forehead, all damp with sweat. She does the same to Dieter and he hums as her fingertips massage his scalp. 

Mulder pulls out just as slowly as he entered her. She‘s soaked. He can hear it so well in the stilted silence of the room. When he pushes back in, she sighs and tightens her fist in Dieter’s hair and he needs something. He rocks against her again, and again, and the steady friction makes him gasp. 

Her hand slides down to the back of his neck and guides him to her breast. His cock throbs, deliciously trapped between his stomach and her silky skin. His tongue tests the waters, swirling around the pronounced peak of her nipple. When she sighs and arches into it, he takes it into his mouth and sucks. 

The noises she’s making are perfect. High pitched, breathy, needy. She’s letting herself go to Dieter and Mulder and it’s gorgeous. He presses his cock against her even harder and closes his eyes and whines around the bud in his mouth. 

Mulder’s starting to pick up the pace. Dieter can tell by the way her breast is jiggling just slightly under his mouth. And the sounds, god, the filthy slick sounds coming from her cunt. He’s leaking all over her just thinking about what it must feel like, how snugly Mulder must fit inside of her, how warm it is. 

As if Mulder could read his mind, he gasps out and his hips stutter against her. 

“It’s so good, Scully.”

Scully arches her back to grind down onto him and moans his name and tells him she needs more and Dieter bites down on her tender skin. 

She jolts and tugs his hair and curses and he looks up at her as he soothes it with his tongue. 

She’s the poster girl of pleasure. Her face is twisted with it, every beautiful feature dripping with tension. The length of her neck is so apparent with her head thrown back, and her skin is pink and looks hot to the touch. She begins to bounce when Mulder fucks her faster and harder. Dieter wants to do something, anything to make her feel good. 

He replaces his mouth with his hand, squeezing her flesh and teasing her nipple with his fingertips. He trails kisses up her chest, little love bites and suction until he reaches just below her ear. Her pulse is fluttering rapidly under his tongue, and she keens just as she turns her head and presses their lips together. 

They’re kissing. He’s kissing Scully. Oh god, her lips are so fucking soft against his. Her tongue ripples in his mouth and it tastes so good, minty with a hint of her arousal straight from Mulder’s lips. He whines and rolls his hips against her like he’s in heat, and he’s so close, and he wonders if she’d be mad if he came all over her warm, smooth, freshly showered skin. 

She jolts against him, against them, and bites down on Dieter’s lip with an almost pained noise. She turns away from Dieter and they both look to Mulder, who’s circling her puffy clit with his thumb as he fucks her. 

He’s looking to her for direction with a glazed expression. He looks like he’s hanging by a thread. 

“Here,” she whispers, and takes two of her fingers into her own mouth. 

Christ. The way her lips look wrapped around her two digits is sinful and debauched. Mulder must think the same, because he grabs her wrist and makes her stop. 

Dieter holds his breath as he waits for his next move. Is he going to pin her arms to the bed? Is he going to stretch them over her head and make her squirm on his cock, make her beg? 

It’s sweeter than that. Of course it is, with these two. Mulder brings her hand to his lips and kisses her palm, and then her knuckles. She sighs his name, and watches Mulder smile.

That soft, dopey smile gets an edge to it. 

“Let me, please,” he whispers. 

Dieter only gets the chance to be confused for half a second when he slips those two fingers into his own mouth. 

Scully gasps and moans and wiggles against him. Fuck, it’s beautiful. Mulder’s full lips take her all the way to the last knuckle and he hollows his cheeks as he sucks them. Scully’s hips squirm and rock and the way she moves against him is a sight. Mulder groans when Scully begins to thrust her fingers in and out, just a little, not enough to choke him but enough to make him close his eyes and sigh and start slowly fucking her again. 

They leave his mouth all wet and shiny. Mulder’s tongue tries to follow them and it makes Scully huff out a weak laugh. 

“You’re too good at that, Mulder.”

He hums, tries to hide his sheepish smile by ducking his head. But Scully grips his chin with her wet fingers to prevent it. His eyes struggle to focus on her, Dieter notices. He can’t blame him, it’s like staring into the sun. 

“Why don’t you show off to your little time traveler, huh?”

He opens his mouth, but no words come out. His eyes dart nervously from Scully to Dieter. 

“I— what?”

“Don’t be dense. Make him come. Make me come. You can multitask, can’t you?”

Dieter lies as still as the dead, afraid that if he moves maybe Mulder will snap out of this horny daze and tell him to get lost. He wouldn’t blame him one bit, either, but god he really wants to see this man’s lips wrapped around his cock. 

Scully chuckles at Mulder’s frozen stature. Or maybe she’s chuckling at the way Dieter’s heartbeat is pulsing through his dick against her thigh, dribbling all over it. 

“I bet you’re so good at it,” she continues to tease him, “with these pretty lips?” 

Mulder huffs and squirms when she rubs the pads of her wet fingers against his mouth. His tongue peeks out to taste them, coax them back inside him, but she doesn’t let him. 

“For me, Mulder?”

And Dieter can’t help but grin, because he’s never seen such a visceral loss of resolve so clearly before. Mulder closes his eyes and whines and nods his head. 

Scully makes a satisfied little noise, and her free hand sneaks down to squeeze Dieter’s slick cock, and he has to bite his own lip really hard to keep from losing it before the fun even begins. 

Then there’s some awkward repositioning and shuffling, mostly on his end. He kneels just above Scully’s head, and when he looks down she’s grinning like the Cheshire Cat from under his cock. He has to reach down to collect some of the pre-cum oozing out of him to keep it from dripping onto her gorgeous face, but she grabs his wrist and licks it from his fingers anyway. 

And then there’s Mulder, who’s slowly thrusting in and out of his partner like it’s second-nature, like auto-pilot, as he surveys the scene in front of him. 

“Mulder,” Scully mumbles. 

The deep, breathy, commanding tone of her voice makes Dieter shiver. 

“Yeah, Scully?”

“Make us come. Then you can.”

He groans, and his hips stutter then slam into her. Dieter’s torn between looking at the blissed-out look on Mulder’s face or the mischievous look in Scully’s eyes. 

“Are you— are you sure?” Dieter asks. 

Like an idiot, looking a gift horse in the mouth. But how can he not? They’re so perfect, so made for each other, and he’s just some weird fucking guy. 

But then Mulder’s expression turns into something darker, determined, and he nods with glassy eyes. 

“C’mon, McFly.”

And that’s all the encouragement Dieter needs, really. He widens his knees to line his cock up with those shiny, plush lips. Mulder gives Scully one last glance before he’s craning his neck forward and closing his eyes. 

Scully and Dieter gasp at precisely the same time, just as Mulder’s tongue swipes at his frenulum. Dieter’s eyes lose focus as he watches Mulder open his mouth wider, then looks past to see Scully’s icy blue gaze fixated on everything going on above her. It’s like an erotic kaleidoscope, the way they’re all blending together in pleasure. 

He suckles on Dieter’s head, a little too hard, but he thinks it might be on purpose. He hisses and grabs Mulder’s hair in one clammy, shaking hand. His tongue works the underside of his cock as he fits more into his mouth, and Scully was right, he is way too good at this. 

Scully curses under them, and only then does Dieter notice she’s touching herself as Mulder keeps pumping into her with a shaky, stilted rhythm. 

“So good, Mulder.”

His responding moan turns into a whimper as Dieter’s prick slides across the back of his tongue and hits his throat. 

“Fuck, yeah, so good,” Dieter agrees. 

It’s more than good. It’s incredible, unbelievable. He watches Mulder’s shiny, puffy lips wrapped around him, so in awe of how gorgeous he is. His pretty eyes are closed, half concentration and half bliss as he slides in and out of Scully’s dripping cunt. 

It takes him a while to find a rhythm that works, but when he finds his groove he fucking finds it. Of course he’d be good at this, too. He fucks in and out of Scully once, twice, and then sinks his mouth down as far as he can on Dieter’s cock (all the fucking way— Jesus christ) and holds there while he pumps in and out of her some more. 

And Dieter’s so, so torn. He wants to be good for Scully, wants to challenge Mulder for her and keep up the show. He wants to hang on so she can crumble as she watches her partner taking and receiving so perfectly at the same time.

But he wants to be good for Mulder too. He wants to come in his mouth and give him the satisfaction of satisfying. He wants to let Mulder prove to Scully how good he is, let him make them both come and writhe under his skill and rapt attention. 

And it’s like Scully can sense it. With her free hand, she reaches up and cups his balls. It makes his fucking toes curl, makes him cry out her name and slam his eyes shut to stave it off. He’s being tagged teamed by the objects of some of his earliest sexual fantasies and it takes him biting his lip so hard he draws blood to keep it together. 

He realizes the noises he’s making are borderline embarrassing. He’s mewling and gasping and whimpering as she squeezes and strokes, as her fingers meet Mulder’s lips every time he takes him deep. He’s shaking with the effort it takes to not fuck Mulder’s mouth. And he’s sweating, and he hopes to god it doesn’t start to trickle down and land on Scully’s blissed-out face.

And then it doesn’t much matter, because those dainty fingers and well-kept nails travel back, across his taint, and press. 

“I can’t— I can’t, oh my god.”

Mulder hums around his cock in an echo of the noise Scully makes under him. He’s teetering on the edge, tensed up, out of his mind as Scully massages that spot and Mulder swirls his tongue around the head of his cock. 

And in sync, like they always are, in a way that takes him completely off guard but should be absolutely predictable, they unravel him. 

Mulder takes him down his throat and swallows, and the pad of one of Scully’s fingers taps his entrance, and he’s done. 

He might scream, if he’s being honest. There was never any hope for a warning, the way they ganged up to play him like a fucking fiddle. Mulder groans as the first explosive spurt of Dieter’s cum shoots down his throat. He pulls back as Dieter continues to spill with each spasm of his muscles, as he tries but fails to suck Scully’s finger up inside him. He writhes and curses and clenches Mulder’s hair a little too tight as he works through his orgasm. 

Mulder dutifully collects every last drop, extremely intent on keeping it from spilling down across Scully’s face. He is such a good boy for her. Mulder whimpers when she tells him so in her breathy, sexy way she does. His hips stutter inside of her just as Dieter slips from his swollen lips. 

He doesn’t get reprieve yet, though. Mulder’s long, lean body arches up, and his arm reaches to grab a fist full of Dieter’s hair and tug and oh, god, he might just come again.

Their lips crash together, and before Dieter can think of how metallic the taste is, Mulder’s pushing his own load into his mouth forcefully. Dieter takes it all, sucks it down and swallows as he pants against Mulder’s mouth. 

Then he thanks him, and he thanks Scully, over and over with baited breath until he collapses to the side of them, completely spent and overstimulated. 

“You did so good,” he hears Scully say. 

Only she’s not talking to him. 

She’s got both her hands on Mulder’s face. Her lips just brushing against his own as she whispers. He watches her hike her legs up to wrap around Mulder’s waist, watches Mulder sag into her so he’s plastered against her front. 

“Scully,” Mulder whines. 

“Harder, Mulder. Make me come.”

He kisses her one last time before he buries his face in her neck and obeys, pulling nearly all the way out of her before driving back in. She’s really vocal now, now that she has Mulder’s undivided attention, now that he can focus on fucking her steadily and deep and fast.

Her head is thrown back and she looks so fucking beautiful. Mulder should be looking at her, shouldn’t miss a moment of the way she looks as he’s making her fall apart. But Dieter can’t blame him, or the concentrated, almost pained look he has on his face that’s just peeking out under her chin. 

It’s crazy how she seems to be fucking him from under all his weight, but she’s doing exactly that. Her toned legs pull him into her, her hips arching to meet his, so frantic and hot. One of her hands is leaving red marks down his back and the other one is petting through his hair, scraping his scalp and pulling so many gorgeous noises from him. 

Dieter couldn’t look away if he tried. His spent cock is twitching, trying it’s damndest to steal what little blood is left in his brain. He wants to help them along, maybe take Scully’s nipple into his mouth, but they’re both crushed under Mulder’s body in a way Dieter’s extremely jealous of. He could touch Mulder, could grab his pert little asscheek and squeeze. But he resigns to the sidelines instead, lets them share this intimate moment with only the intrusion of his eyes and heavy breathing. 

It’s over pretty quickly, anyway. Mulder starts babbling again, a great fucking look on him, there where he’s hidden in the pale crook of her neck. 

“Please, Scully. Come for me— I wanna make you come. I wanna be good, let me make you feel good.”

And she’s grinding her hips up as her back arches off the bed, no doubt catching her swollen clit on that enticing patch of wiry curls above his prick. She’s panting and gasping and then she’s shouting.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop, Mulder, oh my god! So good, good boy— I’m gonna come—”

And she does. Beautifully. She tenses up and then she shakes, convulsing under him, around him. She moans and mumbles through it, with her eyes shut tight and her cute little nose all scrunched and her mouth hanging open. 

It’s so beautiful that she outshines Mulder. Dieter barely even catches his groans, the curses under his breath as his hips stutter and grind into her. They both ride it out for a while, it’s like it’s never going to end. They writhe against each other and Mulder’s panting into her mouth as she tries her best to kiss his open lips. Their rhythm takes forever to slow, and even longer to come to a stop. 

It’s better than anything Dieter ever could have imagined. He’s already half hard again, just watching them be together, and that fact only makes him want to leave, disappear, let them play this out without some stranger in their bed. 

But christ he wants to stay and watch just as bad. 

Their eyes flutter open at the same time, and the smiles on their faces are as nauseating as they are precious. Scully looks like the cat that got the cream, and Mulder has the audacity to look sheepish. 

“I uh—” Mulder’s voice cracks, and he clears his throat, “I didn’t pull out.”

Scully giggles. 

“I noticed.”

He huffs, and she smooths his sweaty hair from his forehead.

“I’m on the pill.”

Mulder sighs. 

“That’s— that’s good.”

Idiots, Dieter thinks. The situational irony is off the charts. His huff alerts them both, snaps them out of their little bubble to look over at him. 

He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes to mind. Scully gives him an amused little smirk and reaches over to pet his hair. 

“You were so good,” she muses. 

He shivers at her words and her fucked-out gaze. 

Mulder shifts on top of her, and they both gasp a little noise when he slips out of her, but they’re both focused on him. 

Mulder looks him up and down and for a moment he isn’t sure if he’s about to kick him out of bed or kiss him within an inch of his life. 

He does neither, it turns out. Instead he holds the side of Dieter’s face in his big, sweaty palm and it’s so soothing that he closes his eyes and leans into it. His thumb strokes Dieter’s cheek while Scully plays with his hair and he could die happy here. 

“Yeah man, thank you. That was good— you were good.”

Dieter’s eyes open wide at that. They’re both looking at him with fondness— appreciation. His chest swells with a heavy feeling just as his eyes begin to sting. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. 

He just barely catches the confused looks on their faces before he hides his own, rolling over into his stomach to let his pitiful tears fall into the blanket below him. Scully ruffles his hair with a sympathetic coo and Mulder pats him on the back of his heated neck before he hears rustling and feels the bed shift. 

“Oh my god.”

Scully’s voice sounds horrified. For a quick moment, his tiny little pea brain thinks of Queequeg— is he alright, did he get out while they were occupied?

“What the hell?”

Mulder’s voice sounds much more amused. 

Confused, Dieter wipes his wet eyes in what he hopes is an inconspicuous move before he looks over his shoulder at them.

Scully and Mulder are both standing at the foot of the bed, looking equal parts mortified and puzzled. And they’re staring at Dieter’s bare ass. 

His bare ass that he now remembers is tattooed. Tattooed with Mulder and Scully’s face on each cheek, respectively. 

“Oh, ha— yeah. Maybe that could have proved it faster?”

His face feels hot. He’s had these asscheek tattoos for so long he sometimes forgets about them. He was young and drunk and high when he got them, but they still hold up. Full color portraits of his favorite FBI agents. 

“What do the words say?” Scully asks. 

Mulder takes one for the team and leans in closer to Dieter’s ass, and he wonders if his blush goes all the way to his buttcheeks. 

“Mine says the truth is out there, and yours says I want to believe.”

Dieter lets out a nervous chuckle and shifts, a little scrutinized, a little embarrassed, a little bit turned on at the way Mulder’s gaze settles over his body.

“When did you get these?”

“1998, right after the movie came out.”

“There’s a movie?”

“Two, actually.”

Scully shakes her head and looks from Mulder to Dieter’s butt, back and forth a few times. 

“I’ll give you this one, Mulder. Only because there’s no lake monster for you to boast about.”

Mulder preens, a satisfied smirk settling on his handsome face. 

“Finally,” he and Dieter say at the exact same time. 

She rolls her eyes. 

“Brag about it in the morning. I’m tired— and my bed’s clean,” she throws her voice over her shoulder as she leaves the room. 

Dieter stays put. His ankles roll around in an attempt to hide his hesitation. He stares at the empty doorway and avoids Mulder’s lanky form. 

“You coming, Doc Brown?”

He’d be stupid not to follow like an eager pup. 

They all nestle into Scully’s bed. She’s in the middle, wrapped up in blankets, and the guys take either side of her. Dieter rests his head on her naked breast as she kisses Mulder goodnight, as Mulder’s fingers intertwine with his own over her smooth stomach. Their pillow talk lulls him to sleep and he goes to bed happy for the first time in years.

He wakes up alone, on his couch, in his own clothes, with his face smashed against his open laptop. 

A dream. It must have all been a crazy, weed and hormone induced dream. Best dream he’s ever had. He sighs, scratches his head and takes in his surroundings. 

Everything’s normal, exactly how he left it. Except, when he moves to his bedroom to mourn the loss of the day he never had, he sees a red and white trucker’s hat on his nightstand. 

Show us your bobbers

[in-another-april]

─ movie date | s.r

summary/prompt - spencer invites you to his apartment to watch one of his russian sci-fi films with him | fluff

warnings - small mention of burns

wc - 735

notes - this was inspired by me rewatching and falling in love with awkward early seasons spencer all over again 😭

────────────────

 You sink deeper into the brown leather couch as the alarm of the microwave rings out behind you. Tilting your head back, you watch as Spencer empties the freshly popped popcorn into a bowl. You let out a soft chuckle as you see him holding the steaming bag as gingerly as possible to avoid burning his hand, a practically inevitable occurrence whenever he prepares food, his clumsy nature almost never failing to bring a fond smile onto your face.

“Need any help?” Your question makes him look from over his shoulder at you.

“Oh, I got it.” He shakes his head before pausing. “Thank you, though.” He rushes to add with an awkward smile, hoping you can’t tell how painfully out of his element he was.

So far, you two had been seeing each other outside of work for a few weeks, but you had yet to meet up at either of your respective apartments. He’d like to think he presented himself as “cool and collected” as Derek had coached him to be when you first suggested the idea of going to his place for a movie date, but he knew he was done for as soon as you mentioned wanting to watch the Russian sci-fi film he had been eagerly rambling about on the jet. He finds himself struggling to even think about the way your eyes light up with genuine curiosity whenever he goes on one his tangents without his face heating up. You’re going to be the death of him, he swears.

You can’t help the cheerful smile that makes its way onto your face as Spencer finally sits down next to you, after some fiddling with the TV and disc. You think for a moment before offering the other half of the blanket laid on your lap to him. His face turns red as he stares dumbly for a moment before happily accepting his side of the soft material, sliding closer to you. He’s eager to start the movie, in hopes it’ll serve enough of a distraction so you don’t notice the blush on his face getting brighter from simply being in your proximity.

He almost forgets he’s supposed to be translating for you until he sees the expectant look on your face after the first few lines pass. He mutters a quick apology before clearing his throat and reciting the words as they come, voice low as to minimize the disruption to the experience as much as possible. As the minutes pass, Spencer feels his nerves calm and breathing steady as he finds himself slotted securely back into his comfort zone: rattling off information regarding subjects he’s passionate about.

That is, until he feels the slight weight of your head against his shoulder, cuddling up to him like it’s second nature. His body instinctively tenses up under the contact, halting his translations as he stares off into space, cogs turning in his head as he tries to understand how his mind can feel blank while simultaneously housing so many rushing thoughts.

You lift your head off him slightly, turning to meet his eyes. “Oh, I didn’t mean to make you comfortable, I’m sorry.” You say, cursing yourself for being too forward. “I can move-”

“No!” Spencer interjects quickly, cringing at how desperate it made him come off. “I- sorry, I didn’t mean to sound so, uh, I just meant to say…” The deep breath he takes only serves to fluster him more as it ends up being just a whiff of your perfume. “You don’t have to move, I don’t mind.” Is what he settles on, trying his best to read your expression as he stares up at you.

“Are you sure?” You’re not sure why you ask, but you still revel in the sweetness of his answer.

“I’m positive. I’d… prefer it, really.” He shyly admits, looking everywhere except your eyes. “O-Only if you want to, of course.”

He’s happy to see that answer satisfied you, returning to your position leaning against him. You don’t think it’s possible for your smile to grow bigger, but you prove yourself wrong as you feel him hesitantly wrap his arm around you, pressing his head against yours. He resumes his whisper translations, but you’d have to admit that the movie is lost in the back of your mind as you opt to focus your attention on the man sitting next to you.

[t00thpasteface]

I’m doing a MASH rewatch because I’m mentally well, and I am a Hawcahy lover like all good red blooded Americans, but I was curious if you had any thoughts or opinions on Klinger / Mulcahy? Even from Klinger’s second appearance with the grenade scene I found myself watching for their shared scenes, though it’s clearly significantly less popular if AO3 tags are to be believed.

You can also use this to discuss the various Hawkeye ships (of which there are rightfully many) and any other MASH pairings you enjoy or maybe don’t partake in! I’m always here for more MASH content

they are VERY GOOD AND I LIKE THEM. klinger is a LOT of fun and there's definitely some kind of weird circuitous Recognition Through The Other i get with him as a butch lesbian. my whole life i've always felt like i'm some ugly bony man in drag whenever i dress girly so i feel really vaildated seeing how klinger fucking slayyyyyys in whatever he wears and has a blast wearing it. so naturally anything that makes klinger happy makes me happy!!! 🫡

i think i said it before a loonnnng time ago though but i'm just not really much of a multishipper! never have been... idk what it is but once a ship takes root in my brain i don't really multiship any of the people in it. there are very few exceptions to this. i have NO idea why i'm like this but i'm just Very Particular.

and hawkahy just fucking SEIZED me somehow so it got first dibs. my first exposure to mash was catching some season 7 episodes on retro tv, so when i happened to see hawkeye freaking out in a cave and mulcahy volunteering to be helicopter ballast back-to-back, i latched onto mulcahy first like "omg look at that little guy he's trying so hard" and then secondarily looked at hawkeye like "omg it's a womanizing sleazeball with a heart of gold i love those exact guys!!" and my go-to method of shipping is My Favorite x My Second Favorite, sooo that's how the cookie crumbled... :P

also basically as soon as i told my mom i was watching mash she was like “we need to watch the movie!!” and i was weirdly compelled by hawkeye and mulcahy teaming up to save painless??? mulcahy gets shoved out of the frame by the others when he's introduced but seeks out hawkeye later like hey you're the only one i trust to help me... and then it colored how i watched the show afterwards. i was like hang on. really interesting to see where these freaks can find a common ground between them in their respective approaches to pacifism and sacrifice. also my mom ships them. lulz

i also think traphawk and beejhawk are fun too BUT as a lesbian who does a lot of weird gay shit with her 2 straight roommates (one of whom has a bf) because THEY started it, i also find it VERY funny to just interpret hawkeye and trapper/bj with that angle of out-and-proud queer doing weird gay shit with his arguably straight (or latently bicurious) roommates as a form of entertainment/bonding/hazing. bc it's like [leonardo dicaprio pointing.jpeg] like we call each other pookie and slap each other on the ass so whatever hawkeye is doing to those men is just Normal to me

[that-ari-blogger]

Deadly Simplicity (Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief)

The Percy Jackson series is one of those ubiquitous franchises that almost everyone has at least heard of. The books single handedly sparked a growing interest in mythology and history, with a focus on Ancient Greece. But there is more to them than that, suffice to say, you don’t get to be the first google search result for “Uncle Rick” for nothing.

I have never been one for rewatching or rereading stories I like. I have a ton of books on my shelf that I read once and then never came back to, but having this blog inspired me to start re-experiencing things from a critical lens.

I decided to reread the Percy Jackson books and genuinely wasn’t planning on posting about them until a thought struck me. Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief is simple by design, and relatable on a level I was not expecting it to be.

Let me explain.

SPOILERS AHEAD: (Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief)

First up, a confession.

I got into the franchise in the weirdest way possible. The movie that we all try to forget came out when I was too young to understand why it was so awful, and my childish brain got hyped on the cool magic stuff. So, I read the first book, and then the Heroes of Olympus series that began releasing in the same year and I began to understand exactly how wrong I was.

This story would be unusual, if I hadn’t also done the exact same thing with Avatar: The Last Airbender. I’m sorry, I promise I didn’t do it on purpose. At least that one was a few years later, and my first experience of the true series was genuinely Bitter Work, take a guess at how quickly I worked out the difference in quality.

Anyway, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief feels like a bedtime story, and that’s pretty much what it was. But I would propose that the story also functions as a legend, or a folk tale.

I want to prefix this by saying that I am not a semanticist. The word “legend” has a specific meaning, and my basic knowledge leads me to believe that it fits, but if someone with more understanding argues contrary, they are the authority.

However, I’m not arguing pure definition, I’m arguing more on vibes, which are conveniently more difficult to pin down, and leave me with some wriggle room.

In any case, Percy Jackson is a legend because of how it develops. It’s a simple story told with a purpose, that evolved over time. Like the legends of King Arthur.

The series overall is famous for making writing about heavy subject matter with respect look effortless, but looking at the first in the series, its noticeable how many of the themes that would become central in the later books are absent entirely.

This is a story of empowerment about ADHD and dyslexia, that abruptly gains some family thematic at the very end. It’s got a cool backdrop with magic and a sense of humour, and that’s it. This isn’t trying to be anything more.

Which, for the record, works uncomfortably well. I am not dyslexic, so I can’t speak for that experience, but I was recently diagnosed with ADHD, and with that hindsight, Perseus Jackson came to my house, knocked down my door, and said “I see you.”

In every behaviour, from the inability to focus except in moments when he can’t do anything else, to the struggle with school, to the unrivalled inability to read a room, I have seen in myself a thousand times. But the key here is that these are reframed as empowering with one majour exception that is actually quite funny.

Percy’s ADHD becomes an explicit divine gift that will help save his life time and time again, and his Dyslexia becomes a secret language that only a select few have access to. It doesn’t even ignore the issues of living with the two, it just adds on a few cool magical powers to make them feel special. When you are a kid, or even as an adult, sometimes you need the affirmation.

But I mentioned an exception, and that is the main conflict of the story. The book doesn’t have a main antagonist, and Ares is tagged on at the end as a boss battle. But there is an opponent, the Summer Solstice itself.

Filling the role of villain in a story about a character with ADHD, is the threat of a deadline. And from that perspective, the story about characters getting sidetracked by everything under the sun, before getting their arses into gear the night before becomes half funny, but also empowering. It says, “you can do this, and you will do it your way.”

When I watched the Disney + series, I was originally offput but unable to put my finger on why. But I think it’s the tone. The series feels like it was written from the perspective of an adult looking at the adventure and going “he’s twelve, he’s gonna get killed”, while the first book oscillates between that and “I’m twelve, I’m gonna live forever”.

Case and point, book Percy gets annoyed at his father about twice, and immediately forgives him, while series Percy is well aware of the situation, and reacts to it with that knowledge in mind.

Watch this space for my coverage of Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters for more details on this, because that gets really interesting.

My single biggest bugbear with modern internet discourse is the drawing of similarities between stories as if its some great revelation. Like, congratulations, you’ve discovered tropes, what’s your point?

In this context, the similarities being drawn are between Percy Jackson, Star Wars, and The Galbraith books (Harold Pots and the Spooky Triangle, Harold Pots and the Hole with a Snek in it. You know which books I’m talking about).

I’m not going to argue that there aren’t similarities, but I challenge you to write a story that is made up of entirely new ideas that nobody has ever thought about before.

All stories, for example, feature a young hero and a coming-of-age story. All have a tragic backstory and a wacky mentour. All have an introductory adventure to tie in a hint of worldbuilding, then lead into the greater story for the second act. All feel like they were written to be standalone stories with hints at a future added as an afterthought.

However, the differences between the three are so much more significant. Star Wars is trying to fit into the Hero’s Journey, the definitive writing stereotype, and it did so well at it that anyone trying to compare to the trope now compares with Star Wars.

Harrold Pots and the Life Rock of Live Giving Rockiness is trying to be a Bildungsroman, which is separate from the Hero’s Journey, but does have a fair few similarities. Notably the travel into a symbolic new world of adventure, and the return home as a changed person. But the theming is different, Harrold Pots, for all its many flaws, is a story with a solid theme. With friends, you can accomplish anything.

It also, as a side note, heavily implies the idea that forcing someone to be something they are not (I.e., the protagonist’s relatives trying to convince him that he is not a wizard) is impossible, and I chose to read that as trans affirming because I know Galbraith definitely didn’t mean it that way and I am petty.

To further back up this point, some people in the story aren’t born as witches or wizards (AMAB, assigned muggle at birth), but are accepted regardless. This reading is definitely based on the flimsiest of reasonings possible, but it’s a testament to what can happen when you see patterns in stories that aren’t there or aren’t as significant as the author meant.

Back to Percy Jackson, it baffles me that this gets lumped in with the two aforementioned franchises, because it’s truly awful at sticking to a specific structure. It’s a hero’s journey at parts, and a Bildungsroman by technicality, but it’s its own thing.

Percy learns about the stolen lightning, the title of the story, just before halfway through the book, and then he departs on his quest. I’m genuinely not sure to see the story as five act, four act, or even two act, and I don’t think it matters. That’s part of what I meant about this feeling like a legend, because it has the same meandering structure, it’s a story meant to be told, not marked on a scale.

Which leads me to my point about empowering. This book, by its very structure, backs up the simple theming of the story. You can do it, and you will do it your way.

Final Thoughts

There are so many little details in this book that I could talk about, so I’m going to focus in on two more before I leave.

Dionysus is my boy in the mythology, but in his introduction in this book, he manages to have more teeth than any other god in the series. Sure, Zeus is throwing storms around and being generally big (in a physical sense), but Dionysus comes across as powerful because he shows Percy just what he is capable of. Show don’t tell is a hell of a thing, and the choice to make the threat of “I can drive you insane with barely a thought” by literally getting in Percy’s brain and giving him examples of what Dionysus can do from the perspective of those he’s cursed shows a level of power and raw intimidation factor that nothing in the rest of the series will get close to.

There is one other similarity between this book and Harold Pots and the Oh-My-G-d-Its-Robert-Pattinson, and that is the one thing I dislike about the story. In this book, and only in this book, Riordan has a habit of indicating morality with appearance. Every evil person is ugly, every good person is beautiful. Once you notice it, you can’t unsee it.

But interestingly, this stops in the final few chapters with Luke’s betrayal, which is the series’ main turning point. Well, one of two. And this only works because the book has conditioned you to expect the handsome Luke to be benevolent, so the twist hits hard. It works, but I’m glad Riordan didn’t continue with the trope.

Next time, I will be looking at Percy Jackson and the Sea of Monsters and exploring just how much this book is the opposite of the one I just covered. So, stick around if that interests you.

[murdrdocs]

OKAY im glad you dont find it silly bc i have more modern earth things peter would have fun with!!

he looooves wireless headphones (over ear, obviously) because when hes dancing he always loses his balance when he got his arm wrapped in a wire. he can twirl freely now.

he does, however, hate it when you show him the footloose remake. he spends the whole time complaining.

i think he has a lot of fun with animals (bc of a certain best buddy he had back in the sky) and fucking LOVES funny animal videos and sends them to you all the time. also, he likely spends a lot of his time volunteering and rehabilitation facilities, especially those with rescued baby raccoons.

he would probably love a spielberg and scorsese marathon, two of the most famous directors from the time he left earth, to catch him up on their recent work. he really likes jurassic park but feels really bad for all the dinosaurs. also, ian malcom looks like a guy he met on sakaar once? and i think he’s just in awe of the fact that you can watch whatever movie you want and listen to whatever song whenever you want at any time of day. which is why the ORIGINAL footloose is somehow always playing in the background on the tv.

he doesn’t like a lot of popular music from nowadays, but he WILL listen to the deep cuts like a hipster. (don’t call him that, he doesn’t know what it means.) i could see him being really into psych rock and some blues rock from today. take him to lollapalooza, please. he’ll have the time of his life.

and lastly this isn’t exclusive to modern day but he obviously didn’t really get the chance to enjoy them as a child, he would fucking LOVE amusement parks. ride all the rides, play all the games to win you all the prizes. (he’s suspiciously impeccable at the shooting ones)

this is all so so accurate like i don't even have anything to add??

except, the amusement park thing is 100% true. no matter how big the ride is, he's on it (fury 325 im looking @ u). he has his hands up, "woo"ing like his life depends on it, and he invests in a fast pass because he's super impatient and hates waiting in the long lines. the carnies hate him because the games are obviously rigged, but peter still manages to win ? and he doesn't even know that they're rigged, he's just winning them back to back, betting he could do so whenever you try to tell him that they games are impossible to win. (he only wants a kiss and a slice of pizza, btw)

also, quill is always down for a movie night. for the first few months back on earth, he alternates between listening to music and watching movies. once he's caught up on his old favorites, he literally just rewatches them. he almost flat-out refuses to go to theaters and see new releases, unless it's from one of the older greats or possibly the newer ones (he likes some christopher nolan films, but he can't get into wes anderson). also the jurassic park bit is rlly getting me because he gets to the newer ones, and just pauses the tv whenever owen grady comes up because peter swears he's his long lost twin or doppleganger. and you're just playing with him, gaslighting him just a bit ("no, owen grady is hotter than you. you guys don't look alike at all").

he's also the type to see strays and bring them home, leaving you both to call around and figure something out. but he can't just leave them there. he'd rather have a barn for a house than have strays out there alone.

he would be so confused and a little offended if you called him a hipster, because he literally just doesn't ?? know ?? what you mean ?? at first he thinks you're calling him a hippie and that's way off. all he knows is that when you say "hipster", your voice has a teasing tone and you have a little smile that tells him it's not an amazing comparison.

completely random but peter has no concept of money. when he was a kid, $5 was like heaven to him, but he's dealt with so many intergalactic monetary conversions that dollars mean nothing to him. so when he's shopping for a pair of overear headphones, and he stumbles upon the pricy sony or apple ones, he's just like "that's a reasonable price, right?". until you remind him of how much money he has in his bank account so he's fine with a cheaper pair from amazon.

which, speaking of, peter becomes addicted to amazon for a moment. having all of that at the tap of his finger is overwhelming, and he's a mini-hoarder for a few weeks until you change the amazon password and refuse to tell him.

[majaloveschris]

Sorry but I think Chris actually is good and very handsome man however not a good scenario picker. Even his many fan accounts on twitter are like “chris evans finally chose some good scenario” “fuck pain hustlers and ghosted” “i think he changed his agency” and many like these. Like even his own fans don’t think his movies are being something hit except few ones so yeah I am also his fan and support him not his “marriage” but people also need to see that the fans can judge his career or be realistic about it even if they support him

I mean, we all have different tastes and opinions, and to be honest with you, I like both Ghosted and Pain Hustlers. He obviously was way better in PH, but I think Ghosted wasn't that bad either.

I know a lot of people dislike Ghosted for understandable reasons, but I think it's a lighthearted, fun movie that isn't supposed to be taken seriously. I liked it, and I occasionally rewatch it when I want something to distract me from my problems.

I also really like Pain Hustlers. I think he did a great job in it, and I liked his acting. It's not a movie I would rewatch several times due to its heavy theme, but I really liked it, and I think if they were able to promote it, it would've made much more noise. But it still didn't perform that badly.

Maybe I'm the only one, but I don't think he needs hit projects after hit projects or that it is a reasonable expectation. I think it's better if you have generally good-performing movies than one big one.

Everybody has a different idea about a good project or movie, so he won't be able to make everyone happy with his choices, but he doesn't have to. But I definitely agree that people are allowed to let their opinion be known; just do it with respect. He is a public figure, and yeah, he has to deal with constructive criticism, whether it comes from critics or fans. But, as I said before, respect is really important.

[krikeymate]

This is the tangent I mentioned here. Warning, this a very long post as I go through basically all the Sam & Tara scenes.

I don't think Tara was ever actually upset with Sam at all, she was upset with herself and lashing out in frustration. She was trying to ignore what happened and pretending to be normal, but Sam's worrying and hovering wouldn't let her forget, and she just doesn't know how to process what she’s dealing with so she shoves it down and down and down until it bursts open.

The leaving the party scene SCREAMS I'm mad at myself but you're a convenient target to redirect my anger at. Especially when combined with the conversation with Chad where she thanks him for not letting her go upstairs  and says "I guess I was more messed up than I realised" - which is a great use of a double entendre: messed up by the alcohol but also messed up by the trauma. Truth is that in that scene, she realised she had put herself in a shitty situation in her attempt to ignore her trauma, so when Sam calls her out on it, she gets defensive and snaps back at her.

Also, I just want to say that I called Tara being the subject of ‘A man attempts to coerce a clearly drunk woman to a bedroom to take advantage of her’ a week before the movie came out and I’m super smug about it.

ALSO: when Tara goes “If I wanna hook up with an asshole, that’s my decision. It’s my decision.” Sam, looks up and away and goes “oh-kay” and the expression on her face just makes me laugh on rewatches. I wonder if she’s having flashbacks to her own past behaviour, of if she’s had to deal with a drunk and upset Tara before. I definitely feel it’s an ‘oh boy here we go again’ kind of ok, especially given the twins reaction. 

THEN we get the “What are you doing here, Sam. In New York.” which is SO painful to watch. I don’t even know what I can say about that, it’s such a beautiful and emotional piece of dialogue and it HURTS. “I’m just trying to look out for you.” “I-... I know. I know you are. …But you can’t do it for the rest of my life though. You have to let me go.” – This part is Tara acknowledging that Sam has uprooted her life for Tara, and Tara telling her that she has to live her own life too. Ultimately, Tara’s journey in 6 is about deciding whether she wants her sister in her life, and in a meta sense, whether she wants to be ‘a final girl.’

Slight deviation here to talk about Chad/Tara – I’m sorry, I just don’t see it. It feels like Chad is the one with feelings for Tara, and in that bedroom conversation Tara is realising that. To be honest, I kinda feel like Tara wanted to use him in that scene, we’ve already seen that she was going to use a guy to ignore her problems; Chad is a safe option for her. I’m not saying she doesn’t have any feelings for Chad, I’m just saying I feel like… well, everyone wants to say they’re the new Gale & Dewey, except the thing is that Gale & Dewey weren’t some epic love story, they were two very different people who bonded through traumatic experiences but ultimately were never in compatible places and trying to be together made them miserable. I don’t have many feelings about Danny but I do think he’s hilarious in an accidental way and would love to keep him around. I get malewife vibes from him.

We get the scene where Sam wants to flee, this is just a classic Tara is in denial of everything happening all over again. We get the wonderful “before you make the unilateral decision to abandon my college education and flee the fucking state!” It’s there to build the does she want her sister in her life situation: this part is a reminder that Sam is the reason Tara got hurt in the first place.

Despite just being ‘mad’ at her and in denial, she still wants to go with Sam to the police station. Sam, knowing by now that her sister is so goddamn stubborn, doesn’t even try to argue. I wish this scene had actually been longer, and that we got to see them cross a few more streets, and for their chase into the bodega too. There’s a cute tiny moment where Tara bumps her face into Sam’s shoulder as she tries to listen to the phone call. The police station: the girls closing their eyes and looking tired while at the table lmao. This time when Sam says “we’re getting out of town.” Tara does not object in any way and goes “are you serious?” when Bailey reveals neither of them can leave town as they’re both suspect. This all just emphasises the fact that being around Sam puts Tara in danger.

I don’t really need to talk about the Gale scene, but I will say that on rewatches the Sidney comment actually feels really shoe-horned in for the audience. Campus meta scene. Sam’s cute “I had a feeling” as Mindy starts to ramble about rules. I didn’t care much for this scene at first, but rewatching it I actually love it, Mindy’s enthusiasm is so lovely. Her “it’s not looking too good for Gale and Kirby” makes me laugh so hard. Ethan and Quinn both saying why can’t it be a survivor 👀. We get Tara’s “don’t you fucking dare” when Ethan brings up the theories online about Sam. Baby shuts that down so quick.

Apartment scenes: Tara acknowledging that she’s been making life hard for Sam, and acknowledging Sam’s pain. “And I’m really really sorry that you have to do that alone.” OUCH. Sam blurting out that she’s been sleeping with Danny because she doesn’t want to hide things from them and then them being like I knew it had her SHOOK. Tara grabbing the phone and pretending to pick up with a “hey so what are your intentions” genuinely has me crying because it’s so cute. I’m seriously not over Tara’s first instinct being to run TOWARDS the Ghostface. I speak about the apartment scene here.

The shrine. So, first up, firm believer that the only reason Sam hallucinates Billy again is because she’s on day 3 of zero sleep and hasn’t taken her meds in that time either. We’re at just over the half way mark into the movie. I think they should have had Tara’s reflection appear over Billy’s before panning to her in the “what are you doing?” bit. I think it’s really interesting that BOTH Sam and Tara are shown to be overwhelmed by the situation – Sam squeezes her eyes shut, then we see Tara flee the room… to use her inhaler.

On Sam’s side of the story, it shows Tara pulling her out of her head and her fear of losing her to Gale; on Tara’s side of the story, we get the ‘does she want to be a final girl’ situation that I mentioned earlier. We get the fantastic Kirby conversation with Tara that my followers know I love.

Next, we move onto the park scene. Tara’s attitude has changed entirely. She took Kirby’s words to heart; she’s realised there’s a way to keep Sam in her life without being a victim: by getting mad and fighting back. “There’s no point in both of us putting ourselves at risk.” “I’m not, I’m your backup” and her little grin is cute but they do then continue walking together which completely negates that. Tara doesn’t want to stray away from Sam - not because she’s scared, but because she wants to be there for her.

Tara absolutely failing to be able to pull Sam back lives rent free in my brain, Sam is so big and strong and Tara cannot move her unless she wants to be moved. “You went back to Woodborough to protect me. Every single day you make the decision to protect me. None of us would even be alive if it weren’t for you. You have to let us protect you this time.” Tara volunteering the ‘us’ there is so fucking funny. There’s something so special to me about how Tara is the one who begins the plan to capture Ghostface and say “we execute him.” I would love to hear what people think of the pan to Mindy and then Sam when she says this, and what you all think is going through their minds.

Finally, we reach The Final Act. First up, Tara copying Sam in removing her jacket is adorable. Sam calling for Tara and then them running off without even waiting for Chad, amazing. Sam holding Tara back and shoving her through the door while Tara cries, love the manhandling. Them standing back-to-back, Tara crying for Sam, Ready/I’m ready, it’s all so so beautiful. I just love the simplicity of Tara being scared and calling for her big sister to help her.

Sam pushing Tara behind her when Ethan and Quinn split off to wrap around behind them. Tara’s “you stay the fuck away from her!” Tara moves her arm up to cover Sam when Quinn approaches with the knife. Ethan stabs Sam in the shoulder and Tara grabs Sam and pulls her away from them. Sam looks down and sees that Tara still has the brick, they make eye contact. Sam insults Richie and Tara bashes Quinn when she goes for Sam. Tara tries to get Sam to run with her, Kirby be damned I guess. Sam takes the knife out of Kirby (who tells her to “fuck him up”) and she stabs Ethan 5 times. Tara calls for her again, so she leaves it at that and runs after her. Bailey shoots at Tara, and a bullet grazes her arm, causing her to fall. Once again, Tara is the one with a plan, she and Sam continue their silent eye contact and we get the “you have to let me go” scene.

You all know that I think Tara is the one making the call. Given that Tara has shown a propensity for making plans already in the movie, I even dare suggest she says “he wanted you to put on the mask… maybe you should.” Then of course we get the moment where Tara comes up behind Sam, who stops from delivering a final blow. We get the head tilt, and a call back to Bailey’s “you fuck with my family, you die.”

We get the final part of Tara’s story, where she decides she does want Sam in her life, and accepts that she’s going to need therapy to deal with what happened to her, in order to let Sam in. Tara being the one to say “we’re gonna get through this, together” is SO important, because you would think that would be a line that Sam would say. This is Tara saying I can give back what you’re giving to me. Then of course the final scene is the final part of Sam’s story, where we see one again, Tara acts as an anchor and calls her away from the darkness.

[forgottenghosty]

Dang I miss Immortal/Undead Male Whump with possible wholesome romance as tv shows...

I just got done rewatching FOREVER (2014) and Moonlight (2008) and want to watch more shows and even movies of the similar tastes and it’s hard to find.

(Forever 2014)

(Moonlight 2008) (Fun facts, the character Joseph from the show voices Terra in the Kingdom Hearts games. A book was published years after the show that inspired the series called “Angel of Vengeance” by  Trevor O’ Munson. The show went on hiatus due to the writers strikes and received 4 new episodes before ending, being cancelled, and not being picked up again.) 

I miss seeing shows where the male lead has to keep the secret or deal with someone knowing their secret and trying to live with it. All of it based more in a realistic reality of the actual world, while still be fictitious enough to have things that could never happen in reality as well.

I know there are some show or movies out there similar, but they don’t fit my tastes or I did watch them for a time and then stopped cause they started getting crazy or boring for me.

I’m not one for watching something with sex in it, nor a lot of demonic things in it either. Some exceptions have been Angel and Buffy, but those are more supernatural fiction. I tried watch Vampire Diaries and did enjoy it for a time, same with the Teen Wolf series, but they both got to a point I couldn’t stand them and just stopped watching and couldn’t get myself to watch them again. I’ve tried with Teen Wolf, but just got bored.

I did try watching some of True Blood to see what it was like and only came out enjoying the theme song and left that quick. I don’t think I made it past the first episode.

Tried watching Penny Dreadful and same thing happened. The Sabrina remake as well. One ep and then I ditched it. I hated the the demonic stuff and just dipped. Made me miss the 90s show I grew up all the more.

I used to watch Forever Knight as a kid, She Wolf, and Beauty and the Beast as well, but not really into watching the super older shows of late 80s early 90s right now.

Also sucks how I can’t get season 2 of Invisible Man (2000) in the US. UK is lucky and got the second season of Invisible Man, we only got Season 1, which I bought up so fast. Though based more in science, Invisible Man was another good one. Poor guy couldn’t catch a break. Miss it so much.

(The Invisible Man (2000) (Thankfully, though only 2 seasons, the series got to end with an actually ending.)

Thankful we keep getting Psych movies every few years or so, though movie 2 and 3 haven’t been available to buy yet, which is frustrating since they only show it on peacock, though 2 was on USA recently and 4 is in the works.

(Psych (2006-2014, Movies ongoing)

Enjoyed watching Dracula, the NBC, not the BBC one. That one I hated. I enjoyed Jekyll and Sherlock, but Dracula was horrible.

Dracula NBC ended too soon.

(Dracula (2013))

One I didn’t see until after it aired, that for a time was free to watch on old Hulu, was The Crow: Stairway to Heaven. Very 90′s, but enjoyable all the same.

(The Crow: Stairway to Heaven (1998) and yes that is Mark Dacascos probably known by many as The Chairman of Iron Cheif.)

Which I recently found out they finally have made a remake of the 90′s movie with Bill Skarsgard that I hope will be good. Just leaves adding any vfx and so on they need to before release.

Many will know him more as Pennywise the Clown and leads into why I sat through watching all of Hemlock Grove.

Only good reason to watch that show on Netflix. 

It has Vampires and Werewolves and more, but man, it isn’t worth it in the end with the plot they give.

So, yeah, really wish we got more immortal / undead whump with possible wholesome romances.

[fckedinlove]

favorite scary movie? favorite gore-fest movie? any n3cro film recommendations? honestly starved for movies, books are a dime a dozen but realistic or romantic n3cro movies are hard to find.

good question !!! time to write many paragraphs. first off, the best necro book (or book in general because it’s so fucking beautifully written) is by far exquisite corpse by poppy z brite. however, you did ask about movies, so let me get to it.

my favorite scary movie… that’s a hard question. i’ll write a list for you. hereditary, martyrs (2008) (though i view that one as way more of a drama), rosemary’s baby, barbarian, apostle (2018), tusk, saw ii, the shining, terrifier 3, the silence of the lambs (though this is more of a crime thriller), the babadook, the sixth sense, the texas chainsaw massacre (1974), and last but not least, carrie (1976).

favorite movies for gore, that’s a shorter list. hereditary is good but the violent moments are few, far between, and emotionally charged. nothing sexually pleasurable about a mom grieving her barely teenage daughter. other than that, i like the gore in terrifier 3 (nonsexually… for the most part) quite a bit. even i cringed a couple times. i absolutely capital-D-despise saying this, but i liked the gore (nonsexually with the exception of one scene—not involving the children, of course) in a serbian film. i need to wash my hands after writing that out. i hate a serbian film with a passion for reasons i won’t get into. i’ll make a list for the rest. evil dead rise (and the evil dead movies in general), the terrifier series (i know i already mentioned it, whatever), the saw series but mostly I-III, and many more that aren’t coming to mind right now.

as for favorite necro movies? excision (2012) is the first that comes to mind—probably because i rewatched it today. it features surreal dream sequences of autopsies, pouring blood, and… lots of breasts. i don’t know. pauline is very relatable for a lot of people but while i can’t find myself relating too much to her, i really love her character. veeerrryyy heavy surgery themes in this one.

repo! the genetic opera isn’t necrophilia or cannibalism centric. however, it does inspire some, uh, passion for viewers who tend to lean into their ‘dark side’, so to speak.

i haven’t watched nekromantik but as somebody who used to have shock horror as my biggest interest, i need to. i’ve heard mixed reviews but this one is HEAVILY necro centric. 80s german shock horror with a couple real animal kills (which is why i’ve been putting off watching it).

warm bodies is a zombie rom-com, and it sounds ridiculous, but i love that movie. it’s a very soft, sweet, necro-lite type thing. it is very comforting and easy to watch and yes, it’s technically zombies so they’re ‘undead’ but it’s still worth a watch or two.

there are a lot of movies that i’ve heard good things about but haven’t gotten around to seeing, but i do agree with you in that there are no real necro movies that are worth the time of day (so it seems, at least).

anyway, i hope this was at least somewhat helpful. feel free to send more asks; i love answering them.

[adamwatchesmovies]

It Follows (2014)

When you think horror movies, you obviously think Halloween, but you probably associate the genre with summertime too. It, Friday the 13th, Sleepaway Camp, I Know What You Did Last Summer, The Burning, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and countless others take place during summer camps or warm summer months. It Follows captures the feeling of summer/end of school so well it’s destined to be a seasonal staple - and that’s even before we consider how well constructed or frightening it is.

After Jay (Maika Monroe) and Hugh (Jake Weary) have sex, he gives her a grave bit of news. She’s now the carrier of a curse. In the distance, invisible to everyone except those who've been infected, a creature is coming for her. It doesn’t move quickly, but it’s relentless. It won’t stop until it kills her. The only thing she can do is pass the curse to someone else before it's too late.

Writer/director David Robert Mitchell has taken an iconic horror idea and given it a fresh twist. When you hear Hugh explain to Jay about the entity and how she has to pass it on, you think of The Ring. It too has a supernatural creature coming after you - not right away, but eventually - that you have to pass to someone else if you want to live. The additional rule is that if the person you pass the curse to dies, you become the entity's target again. It’s not enough to trick some fool into taking the curse from you; you have to pass it to someone who will believe you when you tell them what happened and who can pass it on. You have to give it to someone you know, someone you trust… but how could you? The fact that you give the curse to someone by having intercourse with them - the most intimate kind of contact - creates this wonderfully twisted contrast. At one point, you can feel Jay’s desperation. She’s all alone and sees a boat in the water with three young men on it. What is she going to do? Will she approach them so she can have sex with one - or maybe all of them? - It’ll guarantee her safety, but only for a while, since convincing anyone of what’s happening is nearly impossible without proper buildup. And then what? Live with the shame of what she had to do to survive?

There’s more to be said about the shapes the monster takes - it can look like anyone - and the fact that the film doesn’t give you many answers about what the entity is, what it wants, or why. Even some details about the curse are hazy. We don’t have all day, so instead, let’s discuss how summer-y It Follows feels. While the biggest summer memories may be of hitchhiking, vacationing or camping, most of the year's warmer months are not spent on grandiose plans. You did a lot more floating in the pool, going to the movie theater, hanging out with your friends doing nothing and riding your bike. We see Jay and her friends Paul (Keir Gilchrist), Yara (Olivia Luccardi), Kelly (Lli Sepe) and Greg (Daniel Zovatto) do all those things. We see Jay go to class, but she already knows she’s graduating so going away for a few days on a whim doesn't raise any alarms. It’s not just the impromptu trips to the beach or aimless drives around town, however, it’s the movie's feel. The end of the school year/beginning of summer are milestones. Whether you're graduating or not, you realize you've gotten older. You're growing up and forced to think ahead, to the fact that you’re going to die - in this case, at the hands of some creature that no one can see coming but you. The entity in It Follows is not some boogeyman hiding in a closet, it’s something that’s coming for you all the time. There’s no banishing it by turning on the lights or hiding beneath the covers. Real life doesn’t work that way. Adults know that because to adults, summertime is not a break from everyday life, it's just a sign that the end is getting closer.

It Follows is a rewarding film to rewatch because there is so much that’s only hinted at (What really happened on that beach with Jay and those three guys?) and you’ll frequently look in the background in case you can spot the monster coming. The last shot, in particular, is one to sit and think about. Seeing it more than once allows you to further appreciate the story and the filmmaking - the different forms the entity takes, the incredible score by Disasterpiece, the themes, etc. It packs a lot but it's not overcomplicated. There’s a sequel coming and I’m anxious to see what it’ll be like. (June 20, 2024)

[stereogeekspodcast]

[Transcript] Season 5, Episode 1. Deadpool & Wolverine - Spoiler Review

The Stereo Geeks are back with Season 5. And we've got a big review this time: Deadpool & Wolverine. Ron and Mon had mixed feelings about the film. There's a lot of fun to be had but this film isn't nearly as good as it could have been.

In this spoiler-filled episode, we discuss the moments we enjoyed, areas where the film could have been improved and what we think this film means for the future of the MCU.

Listen to the episode on Spotify.

Ron: Hello and welcome to Season 5 of Stereo Geeks. We’re kicking off this season with one of the most highly-anticipated films of the year: Deadpool & Wolverine. I’m Ron.

Mon: And I’m Mon.

Mon: For our review of Deadpool & Wolverine, we’re going to start with a non-spoiler review and then move into spoilers. We’ll let you know when the spoilers are coming. 

Ron: Shall we open with our anticipation levels for this film? I was filled with trepidation.

Mon: I was stoked. I mean, I knew what I was getting into — R-rated, lowbrow humour, a lot of gore, generally silly stuff, but I guess I was really missing seeing a Marvel movie on the big screen for this long, so I was excited!

Ron: I’ve found that over the last few years, I just don’t have the stomach for certain kinds of humour. I will turn it off. I found the humour in Deadpool 2 so cringe and the jokes dragged on for so long, it was honestly frustrating. I was concerned that this film would do the same, hence the trepidation.

Mon: I feel you. Deadpool 2 was bad. It was dull and boring, and the humour didn’t work. So, that was a concern going into Deadpool & Wolverine. Also, Ryan Reynolds now has so much clout that I had a feeling it would impact the quality of the end product. 

Ron: True. Reynolds does get in his own way. Having said that! I really, really, really, really wanted to see Wolverine. Especially in that gorgeous yellow suit. I rewatched all the X-Men films last year, except the Deadpool films, and I finally saw the appeal of Wolverine. Wolvie starts off as this gruff man with no interest in connections, and he slowly transforms into a man who cares too much—about Jean, Storm, Charles, Rogue, even Scott in some way. I don’t think I appreciated that before because I was more interested in everyone else but Wolverine. But yes, by the time I finished Logan, I was a certified fan and completely in my feels. The thought of seeing Wolverine again after so many years, I honestly couldn’t wait.

Mon: I really should have re-watched the X-Men films, because I think the moment’s gone now, especially with X-Men ‘97 Season 1 stealing my heart. I was interested in seeing Hugh Jackman back as Wolverine, for sure — maybe not as excited as you though.

Ron: Right. I don’t think anything X-Men-related has captivated us like X-Men ‘97 has. But did Deadpool & Wolverine meet your expectations, if not your hopes?

Mon: Yes and no. As I said, I knew I was going into an irreverent film with lots of bawdy humour and violent action. That’s what we got. But I expected to bawl my eyes out at the sight of any X-Men, and that didn’t happen. That’s on me, why did I think a Deadpool film would make me cry?

Ron: Ohhhh. I didn’t expect that at all so I saved myself that disappointment. It wasn’t like watching Days of Future Past where I was losing my mind every other second. It didn’t help that I found the first half of this film so very slow. It dragged, honestly. There were so many scenes that felt overlong—the same problem that I had with the second film! The whole focus of this film was to get to Wolverine but it took so long to get there. The moment Wolverine appeared, the dynamic of the film changed. There was an energy to it and Deadpool finally had someone to riff off of who wasn’t going to take his nonsense.

Mon: I’m sure there was more improv in this film than they’re letting on, because my word, every joke started off ok and then was dragged to death, which not only kills the humour, but brought the pace to a stuttering halt.

Ron: Agreed. At numerous points, I was like, please just get on with it. Or, we get it, you’re trying to make this joke. There’s repetition for humour, and there’s repetition because you’ve run out of ideas. This film thought it was doing the first, but kept doing the latter.

Mon: Any momentum the action scenes gave us just disappeared because of the extended stand-up routines interrupting them. And like, the action here is brilliant! It’s some of the best we’ve seen in the MCU in a long time. Slick and sexy — great camera angles, perfectly edited, and they conveyed a lot about the characters’ personalities despite essentially being a gore fest. 

Ron: The action was amazing in this film. It starts off with a huge action scene. I know Deadpool 1 did that, and really set the tone for that film. I can’t, for the life of me, remember if the second film did the same. Also, Deadpool dancing during the opening fight scene made me very happy. I love dancing and somehow seeing a superhero dance warmed my heart.

Mon: I love the opening credits fight scene. It’s definitely a thing in the trilogy, but this one looked particularly fantastic. And Deadpool’s suit — chef’s kiss to the design team!

Ron: Good point. I’m so in love with Wolvie’s suit, I didn’t even think to mention that Deadpool’s suit looks stunning.

Ron: One more thing to add about the opening sequence. Do we all remember the vitriol about She-Hulk dancing? Do you recall people responding, saying if Deadpool was doing this, people would be claiming it as the best thing since sliced bread? That’s exactly what’s happening! People are loving Deadpool dancing. I want to give Marvel credit and believe that they added it in just to highlight this dichotomy in reactions but I don’t think that’s what’s happened. But the sexism amongst fans is just infuriating.

Mon: She-Hulk does everything that Deadpool does but without the gore. But because she’s a female character who was introduced later in the franchise, she is criticized instead of lauded. It’s sexism and misogyny plain and simple. Fact is, She-Hulk broke the fourth wall in comics before Deadpool was even a thing. It doesn’t help that she was highly sexualized — because dudes created her — so she didn’t find her audience properly till later on.  

Ron: True. True. We’ve probably got to mention that Deadpool & Wolverine is extremely gory. Like, whoa, from the opening scene, it’s just blood and guts everywhere. 

Mon: Too much gore. 

Ron: Did the gore bother you?

Mon: Uh… not to the extent that I had to look away. Because I was expecting it. I get gratuitous violence is the thing that Deadpool fans are looking for, but I wouldn’t have minded them toning it down a tad bit. 

Ron: Right. I expected it to be much worse than it turned out to be. I tell ya, some of the preview trailers before the movie started grossing me out, which is probably why Deadpool & Wolverine didn’t bother me. 

Mon: Ah! You were inured to the actual film by then, huh?

Ron: You could say that! Also, I’ve spent this year watching stuff like Shogun; I should be used to gory scenes by now.

Mon: You know what actually annoyed me? The dick jokes. Ufff… that was really too much. Like, get over it, man! Enough with the butt shots and the butt slapping, etc. Who in this film wasn’t making some weird joke? At least, they could have varied the types of jokes. You can tell that 5 dudes wrote this film. There are a lot of in-jokes and references, but other than that, it’s a 12-year-old boy’s idea of being edgy. 

Ron: I know we’re expecting Deadpool to be foul-mouthed, but this movie pushed the limits for me.

Ron: But speaking of dick jokes, this film leans into homoeroticism. Lots of scenes with Deadpool and Wolverine physically close together. Male and female characters show romantic interest in both Deadpool and Wolverine. What did you think about that?

Mon: I clean forgot about the homoeroticism. It’s again, very much in the vein of hint-hint-wink-wink, we’re being naughty because we can, and very little to do with actually appealing to queer audiences. 

Ron: Yes. Despite Deadpool being hailed as a pansexual character, he’s really not been great representation for the queer community.

Mon: Exactly. So, what did you really like about this film? 

Ron: Wolverine. I’m very distracted by his presence. But if I look past Wolverine I think I liked that this movie reiterates that people can be better than their worst day. It’s the one bad day idea from Batman, isn’t it? Joker has one really bad day and becomes a villain. Bruce Wayne has one bad day and he becomes Gotham’s hero. It’s similar here. Wolvie had a bad day and made a terrible decision but that doesn’t mean he can’t be a hero. It’s about the choice to do good.

Mon: Yeah. I really liked the theme of the story — it’s not about what a hero is or wants, but why a hero is. I loved that. It gave Deadpool a roundedness that I didn’t know I wanted to see. I also loved how the film uses the ending of Logan as a foundation for telling the story, as well as saying goodbye to pre-/non-Disney Marvel films.

Ron: I realise I wasn’t concentrating on Deadpool at all. I’m going to have to go with your summation. 

Mon: I really loved Hugh Jackman stepping into the role of Wolverine like he’d never left. He loves this character and we love him playing Logan. I did feel he wasn’t moving as well as before, which is expected since he’s a lot older, but man, the pathos, the burden, the complicated tragedy of being Wolverine in any world, but especially his world, it all came across with little to no context. The writing and acting shine when it’s centred on Wolvie. 

Ron: Not moving as well? What? He was great. He looked great. He fought well. I know he’s been working out like a mad man. And he’s going through a divorce. None of that came across. He was great! The lovable grumpus to Deadpool’s sometimes annoying goofiness. Standard roadtrip fare except with spandex. 

Mon: There were definitely one or two scenes where Jackman wasn’t moving that well so we can agree to disagree. My last thought on this is — it takes a lot to keep a straight face and look grumpy when you’re in a goofy movie with a goofy co-star, and Hugh is so dang good at doing that in this film. 

Mon: Before we start on spoilers, do you have a one-line review that audiences should consider before heading into this film? 

Ron: Go for Wolverine, patiently wait for Wolverine, enjoy watching Wolverine.

Mon: For me, I felt like there was a perfect film about what makes a hero hiding beneath the surface of Deadpool & Wolverine, one that got drowned out by the terrible quip-fest created by the egos involved. 

Ron: Wow, we went for completely different vibes with our one-line reviews.

Ron: Anyway. Let’s move into the spoiler section of this review! If you haven’t seen the film yet, please watch it now because we will spoil everything!

Mon: Deadpool & Wolverine is about Deadpool trying to save his world from temporal annihilation and he needs to find Wolverine, any Wolverine, to ensure his world’s survival.

Ron: Please explain to me why we’re following Deadpool from Earth 10005? There’s no Deadpool on Earth 616? And who is his Wolverine? Not the one from Logan, right? I got confused because I thought the TVA was after Deadpool because he went back in time to change his past and save Vanessa, played by Morena Baccarin in a tiny, thankless role again. But that’s not why the TVA wants Deadpool; it’s so that he can save the anchor person, a new concept introduced in this film.

Mon: Ok, so it seems that the Fox X-Men franchise (and the rest of the 20th Century Fox superhero movies) are set in Earth-10005. Hence, Deadpool is from that universe. Logan is also set in that universe, so Deadpool’s universe is disappearing because of Wolvie’s sacrifice. But, Mr. Paradox, played by Matthew Macfadyen, wants to speed up the destruction of Earth-10005 and hence he brings in Deadpool. 

Mon: There’s understandable confusion about where Deadpool is from because early on in the movie he’s on Earth-616, talking to Happy Hogan about joining the Avengers. It seems like he used Cable’s time-traveling device to get to the Sacred Timeline. Time travel and dimension-hopping aren’t one and the same, and I don’t remember exactly what rules the previous film established about the device, but we do know that Deadpool came to our Earth, in the past, and shot Ryan Reynolds in the head so he wouldn’t make Green Lantern — so we know he can dimension hop. Now, how he knew about 616 and the Avengers, I don’t know. This is more a nod to Deadpool idolizing Steve Rogers in the comics than a fleshed out story idea. 

Ron: Thanks for the explanation! But I am confused about one other thing. Deadpool and Wolverine get sent to the Void by Mr Paradox, who uses a time stick to disintegrate them. We’d been to the Void before, in Loki Season 1.

Mon: Yeah, that’s odd for me too. Because, wouldn’t that mean a lot of dead people in the Loki show are actually alive and wandering the Void aimlessly? 

Ron: Exactly. And why are so many mutants there? Cassandra Nova apparently was kept there since childhood, but Psylocke, Toad, Deathstryke, Sabretooth? What did mutants do to deserve this?

Mon: Variants, mate. Notice how most of these mutants/Morlocks don’t look like the ones we’ve met in the films before. 

Mon: There are some aberrations in the mutants, obviously, like Dafne Keen’s Laura, Aaron Stanford’s Pyro and Tyler Mane’s Sabretooth. 

Ron: Yes, exactly! That’s what confused me. I was also wondering about Johnny Storm. He mentions that Reed had a theory about the Void, so did the 2005 cast get yeeted to the void when Fan4stic came out?

Mon: I didn’t think of that, but that makes so much sense. 

Mon: Essentially, the creative team are telling us that these people, especially the ones we recognize, are part of worlds that no longer exist — because the Fox era has now ended. That’s also the same for the unproduced and finally cancelled Gambit film, so we see Channing Tatum here, and the wish fulfillment one like the Cavrilline with Henry Cavill. It’s all symbolic, mate. 

Ron: Okay, that makes so much more sense now. I couldn’t figure out why these characters had been banished to the Void. Please explain the Cavillrine to me. What the hell is this?

Mon: So, the Cavillrine — you know how the internet latches on to good-looking white guys who they feel have been hard done by? Well, Henry Cavill is one such guy. Look, he’s been through the wringer with Warner Bros. He was Superman in some of the worst Superman films out there. Then the whole Snyderverse nonsense that heralded the end of the DCU. But then he showed up in Black Adam and it seemed like he was back. Except, he wasn’t. It must have been pretty humiliating for him to announce his return as Superman, only for the rug to be pulled from beneath him. Sure enough, the moment the DC door closed on him, the internet fancast Cavill as every single superhero you could think of — one that caught some steam was Henry as Wolverine. Till this movie, I couldn’t see it, but you know what, Henry looked kinda cool as Wolverine here. But it only works as a two-second gimmick, I don’t think he could carry a franchise as Wolvie. 

Mon: Did you figure out who it was before he turned? I knew it wasn’t Hugh Jackman, because we initially only saw him from the back, but I really couldn’t have guessed who it was till I saw Henry. 

Ron: No, absolutely not. It looked like Wolverine from Origins, especially with the bike. So I was wondering what Deadpool was making such a fuss about. And then he said ‘Henry’, and when Cavillrine turned around, I realised who it was. But I had no idea that Cavill as Wolvie had been on anybody’s wishlist so it was just an odd moment for me. Also, the editing was weird because they were trying to drag out the moment.

Mon: Yo, let’s not skip over Channing Tatum as Gambit. Can we talk about it? I was so disappointed to see Tatum, I thought it was Taylor Kitsch reprising his role from X-Men Origins: Wolverine, but it turned out to be Tatum. Booo. I don’t think he did a bad job — he works as a joke. But this isn’t our Gambit, is it?

Ron: I don’t really know what to say about Tatum as Gambit. It was a joke. It was meant to be a joke but I don’t understand how a film can have a Gambit, any Gambit, and not give him some level of pathos. Such a strange choice. Moving on!

Mon: Let’s also talk about the anchor being concept. Was it even needed? Some people are getting upset about this concept because it means that some lives are more important than others. This is a completely new thing introduced in this film — while I don’t know if we can take it seriously because this is a Deadpool film, some people are saying it’s already been hinted at being used in the next phase of the MCU. 

Mon: Either way, here’s my thought. Don’t take things so literally, people. The concept is introduced as symbolism for how Fox pinned their hopes on Wolverine launching a franchise, and for a bit it worked. Bad writing, bad studio decisions, then took it all down. 

Even beyond that, the idea that the universe is rigged so that the majority are doomed because of one white guy is… hilariously on point and a reflection of the real world. In truth, some lives are treated as more important than others and it’s horribly unfair. I don’t think the film is trying to be that deep, but it sure feels that way. 

And finally, the main reason for Earth-10005 dying is that Logan was never supposed to die. He acted against type, against nature, and that’s why things changed. We explore a similar theme in Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, but there it’s the canon events, and it’s more personal. This isn’t a hugely original idea, but it certainly works for the symbolism of this film. 

And it’s very clever to bring in the TVA and have B-15 from the Loki show connect to the events of the Loki finale. It’s utterly poetic — Loki, a villain, makes a heroic sacrifice which saves the multiverse, here we learn that a hero, Wolverine, makes a heroic sacrifice that leads to the destruction of his universe. And a hero and villain combined then save it. It’s wonderful! 

Ron: Thank you for tackling the anchor being idea. I was not bothered by it but I guess others were.

Mon: I know we’ve critiqued the pacing already, but I need to emphasise just how disappointing the pacing in this film makes the viewing experience. 

Ron: But somehow The Marvels was the end for all women in superhero films? I can’t help but compare this film with the ones that we loved and were vilified. People complained about Eternals being slow and full of exposition, to the point where we will never see those characters again, apparently. But this film is packed with exposition and nobody’s complaining about that!

Mon: Oh, I agree with you. Seems like the MCU dies every time a non-white non-male person comes near it, but it’s saved when the white dudes are involved. Quality be damned.

Third act

Mon: Let’s chat about the third act of the film because I think this is the best part of the film — good execution, pacing, and some surprising heartfelt moments. It’s not all perfect, there’s still way too much unnecessary silliness, and yes, it’s super gory, but it was also riveting. 

Mon: That denouement, especially, really got me. They really play with your emotions because we think Wolvie is going to make the big sacrifice play, which makes sense for him having lost everyone, but then Deadpool decided to be the better man and swaps places with Wolvie so he can finally matter. And then, Wolvie joins Deadpool, because Deadpool didn’t think things through and couldn’t reach the other MacGuffin. I mean, I loved it.

Ron: I don’t mean to be a spoilsport but the denouement felt silly to me. 

Mon: This is an outrage. How are we not aligned on this film?

Ron: I agree with everything you’ve said, I just don’t think the film had to go there. Obviously there was only going to be one way to save Deadpool’s universe and he had to be the one to do it because this movie is called Deadpool & Wolverine, not the other way around. So why not make the sacrifice play together in the beginning? Cement the relationship that we’ve spent two hours watching unfold.

Mon: You make a really good point. They were trying to up the drama. 

Ron: Indeed. But again, my struggle with this film and the second film was that it kept adding in extra beats that weren’t necessary. Destroys the emotional heft and slows the pace.

Ron: Now, you and I have always had our ears out for film scores. The last few years, the scores have left us wanting. There might be a theme or two that stands out but the entire album? Not so much. I did like some of the score for Deadpool & Wolverine, though. Deadpool has a new theme which sounds epic, though I’m confused about the cat screech in between. There are no cats in this film.

Mon: I didn’t clock much of the score while watching the film, except the end credits music which sounded cool. I’ve heard the score album now, and I kinda dig it. Though the cat screech still gives me pause.

Ron: What about the soundtrack? I know you have thoughts!

Mon: Most of the song choices seemed totally incongruous to me. Some of them are such meta jokes, that it’s lost on the average viewer. For example, there’s apparently a song from The Greatest Showman in here, which is an obvious nod to Hugh’s role in the film, but  I don’t know how many people would even recognize it. The first fight scene between Deadpool and Logan in the Void is set against AC/DC, and I’m like AC/DC, again? Give me a ruddy break. They’ve been done to death in the MCU, look for someone new. I mean, look at the number of awesome songs and artists we’ve learnt about and listen to because the music supervisors on Black Panther and Birds of Prey looked beyond the usual.

Ron: Lets not forget the soundtracks of the Spider-Verse films. Those are incredible.

Mon: How could I forget the Spider-Verse films. I play those albums on loop. 

It wasn’t all bad with Deadpool & Wolverine, but I didn’t find the soundtrack all that memorable. The one song choice I did like was Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC. I do enjoy the song, but this is another meta joke. In X2: X-Men United, when Wolverine is rescuing Rogue, Iceman and Pyro, Pyro puts the car radio on and it blasts Bye Bye Bye. It’s a hilarious moment that cuts the tension and solidified my love for the song. So, of course a film re-introducing Pyro should have that song. Except, they don’t play the song in relation to Pyro. Like, why? Imagine if Pyro had driven in with this ruddy song playing? Oh my word, we would be on fire! This film, I swear, is so frustrating. 

Ron: Madonna’s Like A Prayer playing over Logan’s abs though. That was perfection. 

Mon: Music aside, you can feel the too-many-cooks-in-the-kitchen feeling whenever Dogpool shows up, or the fact that Dogpool showed up at all. What is Dogpool trying to show us here? It’s just a funny bit. That time could have been spent with Wolverine and Laura, because if you want us to see that Logan’s walls are coming down, him opening up to Laura and coming to fight by her side would have done a much better job of that than a dang dog. 

Ron: I could have done without the dog. 

Favourite Cameos

Ron: We’ve got to talk about all those cameos because Deadpool & Wolverine was packed with them. For me, the numerous Logans were great to see. The brown and yellow suit Wolverine, I would’ve loved to see more of him.

Mon: I did not know that Deadpool & Wolverine was Fanservice: The Movie, but I loved seeing the different versions of Wolverine. Honestly, could have done with a few more of those variants — I don’t think that would have been overlong. I loved that they included Age of Apocalypse Wolverine, but I wish he’d been a tad more sinister. 

Ron: You know who wasn’t a cameo in this film? Taylor Swift as Dazzler. That is the only thing I’ve heard about for months and it didn’t even happen.

Mon: Thank Uatu! I don’t think I could have dealt with that. 

Ron: The survivors of the Void were probably the biggest cameos for me. Seeing Jennifer Garner as Elektra and Wesley Snipes as Blade, unbelievable that they came back for this movie. Which is essentially a farewell to these versions of the characters. I’m assuming we’ll get to see Elodie Yung’s Elektra in the MCU. No idea about Mahershala Ali as Blade because Marvel would rather give 80 million bucks to RDJ than make a Blade movie apparently.

Mon: Yeah, and Wesley Snipes says in this film that there will only ever be one Blade, so I’m guessing Mahershala Ali’s chance is gone. Why don’t they just announce it and leave him be. Marvel’s pulling a DC on Mahershalla. 

Mon: Ok, please explain why we didn’t get any other X-Men characters from the Fox films? Someone, anyone would have done. Worst Wolverine has this heartbreaking flashback, and he’s next to memorials with no names, he’s talking about incidents we can’t see. Listen, Hugh sells it, I’m not saying he doesn’t, but given that the film was packed with cameos, some utterly useless ones, Wolvie interacting with the people he loved would have taken the emotions to the next level! 

Ron: I know! Halle Berry is right there. Especially during those emotional scenes from Worst Wolverine. We should have got a flashback to him seeing the X-Men.

Ron: I guess we should mention Johnny Storm. Or rather Chris Evans. Because that was not Johnny in the film. It was Chris Evans with flame powers. Ever since Endgame, I’ve felt that Evans has struggled with his acting. Ghosted was funny but terrible. You watched that film at TIFF last year where you couldn’t tell if it was the character or Chris Evans you were watching.

Mon: Yeah, Chris Evans is forgetting how not to be Chris Evans, which is not great. The TIFF film, for our listeners, is Pain Hustlers, and it’s not a good film. Chris Evans’ acting is the least of its problems.

But, on to Johnny Storm. I 100% knew Evans was going to show up. I didn’t know before the film, of course, I wasn’t expecting any cameos in the film. But, when Deadpool is shown the Avengers highlights reels by Mr. Paradox, there was a lot of Steve Rogers in there. Now, this is a nod to comic book Deadpool’s love for Steve, but as soon as I saw them playing that much Evans footage, I was like, he’s going to show up.

Ron: When the hooded figure showed up and Deadpool was talking about he was the hero of all heroes, I was so lost. Who is this? Definitely not Captain America. And then Evans shows up. But as Johnny. The bait and switch wasn’t bad but Evans acting didn’t work for me.

Mon: It didn’t? But he was so fun! You can tell Evans is having the time of his life with this take on Johnny Storm. I genuinely did not realise the Human Torch, of all characters, would be resurrected. He was incredibly fun to watch. I loved seeing Evans back in the MCU, even if it was for a brief minute.

Ron: Not resurrected for long, sadly. While we’re talking cameos, which characters deserved better in Deadpool & Wolverine? Shatterstar, surely? Why can’t Hollywood give Lewis Tan better roles. He has no lines in this film! And Shatterstar is such a fan-favourite character.

Mon: Shatterstar! I love him. I can’t believe Lewis Tan was dragged back to sit in the background. He deserves so much better than Hollywood will ever give him. But, you know what, after the dumb dig about how the X-Force team not testing well (apparently), I was glad to see Shatterstar, even for a little bit.

Ron: And why did Cable get the blame for Deadpool 2 not working out? He wasn’t the problem! Deadpool was the problem. Sheesh. 

Mon: Please, I’m glad we didn’t have Cable in this film, but why did Domino get short shrift? 

Ron: What’s worse, though? Domino sitting in the background somewhere with no lines, like Shatterstar, or us imagining she’s living her best life without Deadpool in it?

Mon: You have a point. I also wish the main franchise cast had been involved in the main story more. Negasonic, Yukio, Vanessa, Dopinder, CGI Collussus, Blind Al, why were they forgotten? This was Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania all over again. Like literally - Deadpool is even stuck in a different world like in that film and forms different teams. The MCU is running in place, mate!

Ron: Yes. Agreed. You can’t just drop the core cast you’ve been building up for a trilogy. I’d also say I was expecting more Pyro in this film. Aaron Stanford was clearly excited to be back and he’s been posting about it. He’s in the opening credits as well. But Pyro’s role was so small! And I’m not entirely convinced this wasn’t James Cole with the ability to control fire. 

Mon: Pyro! I thought I’d cry when I saw Pyro, but I didn’t. And then it turned out he was again a double-crossing baddie? Again, everything about the writing in the MCU, especially by majority white creatives, is running in place. Imagine Pyro getting a heroic sacrifice here? Considering we see no one else from the Fox films, I feel like the treatment of Pyro is a testament to Marvel Studios basically dunking on the original franchise.

Ron: Pyro being a turncoat isn’t a big surprise. Stanford sold it well. He was quite amusing in his final scene.

Ron: But what about Cassandra Nova, the actual villain of this story? First of all, where were the women in this film? We got a bit of Elektra and Laura but wow, this movie is just screaming that it’s only for dudes. Wolverine is probably as popular as he is because of female viewers, but this movie clearly doesn’t want to acknowledge that. 

Mon: But this lack of regard for the female characters and heroes from the Marvel films is signposted from the start. Happy Hogan’s office is filled with Avengers memorabilia, as long as the memorabilia belongs to Iron Man and Captain America. Is there more? Can’t see it because the camera doesn’t focus on them. Let’s be honest, Marvel doesn’t care about the ladies, they never have, and it’s little more than lip-service nowadays, irrespective of how wonderful the stories about the ladies are, they’ll be forgotten by the powers-that-be.

Ron: Yes. The only meaty non-dude role was Cassandra Nova. I thought Emma Corrin turned out to be a great choice. I felt like I could almost see Charles Xavier in Cassandra.

Mon: I know nothing about Cassandra Nova, and I was concerned about them casting such a young actor to play the character. Isn’t Nova elderly? 

Ron: Nova is Charles’ twin but she’s… there’s some weird stuff about her birth, or lack thereof. So she’s quite wrinkled but not elderly. She’s definitely not as beautiful as Emma Corrin. 

Mon: Ah. Kinda weird how all these films keep turning wrinkled ladies into gorgeous women – Madame Web, Cassandra Nova. 

Ron: How can dudes have an ugly woman in their film? The more we’re talking about this film, the more annoyed I’m getting.

Mon: Anyway, Corrin did great. They channeled both Patrick Stewart and James McAvoy to make us believe that Nova is indeed Xavier’s twin. I loved that they had a binder on and got to proudly show it off. And the binder also gives their outfit an X shape, which is a nice nod to Nova’s X-Men connection.

Ron: Yes. I did like the nod to Corrin’s non-binary identity in Cassandra’s uniform. Underneath her signature long coat, Cassandra wears a binder. And it’s not hidden. Emma Corrin has spoken about the importance of visible identity and has taken intimate portraits of themself in a binder. So that was a great nod.

Mon: We’ve talked about a lot but was Deadpool & Wolverine a good farewell to the franchise that introduced us to the Marvel world of superheroes? 

Ron: Good question! It’s making me remember something. When we first got into the X-Men comics, we absolutely despised the Avengers. They were always awful to the X-Men. The fact that we enjoyed the Avengers films at all is a miracle. But here’s the problem. The MCU is driven by the Avengers. Are they going to have the understanding, the compassion that comes from loving the X-Men? We’ve got X-Men ‘97 that’s such a love letter to mutantkind. It isn’t afraid to lean into the fears of life as a mutant and the intense bigotry that mutants face. Is the MCU going to understand that? Or are mutants going to be the punching bag of the MCU?

Mon: So, where are we going with the mutants? Let’s look at the future of the MCU now. Will the over-reliance on multiverse plots and meta-stories end? Will we ever escape the need for cameos? Will we get creators who aren’t white men behind-the-scenes to build our future?

None of this will happen soon. They need to get these gimmicks and novelties out of their system — it’s fun, I do like it, but I’m missing meaningful stories and storytelling. We see what shows like X-Men ‘97 and The Acolyte can do because they ground their stories in real-world issues and dynamics. The MCU has become very much about pandering and fan-service. Again, that’s not to say I don’t revel in that charm, but we need more!

Apparently Ryan Reynolds first approached Jordan Peele to work on the film but he couldn’t fit it isn’t his schedule. I wonder what that would have been like — what layers Peele would have brought to something that’s so much in his wheelhouse. In another universe, perhaps. 

Ron: A Jordan Peele-MCU film? I would like to see that. You know, we’ve had quite a few hints now that the mutants are in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Kamala Khan, aka Ms Marvel, has been deemed a mutant. Monica Rambeau is in a universe with Beast and Binary. Wolverine is in this film. So, when are we getting an X-Men film? And are we going to see any of the incredible female mutants who are honestly carrying the comics franchise?

Mon: The best X-Men are women, yeah? But, that’s the problem isn’t it? Marvel is going backwards in its thinking. Are we going to see the Marvels again and the universe Binary is in? Are we going to see any ladies leading? Any people of colour writing and directing? I don’t know, man. The best we’re going to get with the Avengers films is to bring back the Russos and McFeely? Deadpool & Wolverine could hardly contain its fat-shaming but it kept it to the minimum. Are we going to now double down on it with the Infinity War and Endgame people back in the saddle? Are we going to sideline the characters of colour because the white directors don’t understand how meaningful these heroes are to an underrepresented demographic? 

Ron: You’re talking about Black Panther and Captain Marvel being underused in the latter part of the MCU Phase 3. The Russo brothers et al apparently didn’t expect these two characters to be popular. Because I guess they forgot people of colour and women exist, let alone watch movies?

Mon: Yes. It’s infuriating. Because what happens now? Are we going to kill off the last few female heroes because otherwise the plot won’t move? I can’t deal with that — and yet we’re stuck. Feige and team have only heard the loudest and worst of the criticism and taken it to mean the white guys must be our saviours, no one else will do. 

Ron: I don’t think watching this film following the SDCC announcements has endeared me to Deadpool & Wolverine or the next phases of the MCU much. Because Marvel seems to be saying this is what we’re going to get more of. We tried ladies in the lead and people of colour in the lead. But that didn’t work (because a small group of loud sexists and racists said so) after generations of not trying it anyway. So let’s just go back to the status quo. They’re pandering to the lowest common denominators, again, and giving us the white dude superheroes who make dick jokes. This is a really dour note to end the review on but I’m not feeling hopeful for the MCU. It doesn’t look like it’s interested in us as audiences anymore. 

Mon: I agree. As much as we enjoyed parts of Deadpool & Wolverine, it gives us little hope for the future of the MCU. It’s not saved, it just refuses to move forward.

Ron: You’re right. You know what, let’s go rewatch The Marvels.

[Continuum by Audionautix plays]

Mon: You can find us on social media @Stereo_Geeks. Or send us an email stereogeekspodcast@gmail.com. 

Mon: The Stereo Geeks logo was created using Canva. The music for our podcast comes courtesy Audionautix.

Ron: Don’t forget to rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts. See you next time. 

[Continuum by Audionautix plays]

[philhoffman]

Watched A Most Wanted Man (2014) for a special Monday Philm this week—since last March, I’ve been rewatching all of PSH’s films in chronological order and this one completes the cycle (I know, the Mockingjays were released later, but I grouped The Hunger Games films together for my own continuity).

To be completely honest I spent most of this rewatch counting how many cigarettes Günther Bachmann smokes throughout the film (keeping a real pen-and-paper tally in my movie-watching notebook)—the answer is about 22. Real ones, the herbal cigarettes Phil said he was smoking all day anyway. There is much to be said about the cinematic value of smoking cigarettes—and I plan on writing more about that at some point!—but man there’s no doubt not many people (if anyone) do it better than him. It’s so much a part of Bachmann, of Hoffman—his breath made visible, hanging in the air. Cinema!

“We find them. We become their friends, their brothers, their fathers, their lovers, if we must.”

Still one of my favorite films, even more so since I read the book a few months ago. Surprisingly high rewatchability factor, especially if you’re like me and generally do not know what’s going on in espionage stories ever. I think I’ve finally caught up to this one—but the tension is so thick, I still find myself half-hoping, half-begging, “Maybe it will go right this time, maybe it will end differently, maybe he will not walk away.”

Watching all of Phil Hoffman’s films in chronological order was supposed to give me some kind of insight into his development as an actor, the various periods and patterns of his career, his artistic growth. But really, pretty early on, I kinda forgot I was supposed to be thinking about that. I just loved being surprised by what was next on my schedule, seeing him for a few extra hours each week. Lately I’ve been thinking about how Phil made watching films very easy on us, the viewer—he is so good, it’s so natural, you can forget you’re watching PSH the actor and instead witness a real soul brought to life from a screenplay, he suspends your disbelief for you and you go willingly—and also so very hard—how does someone breathe life into a few lines on paper like that? why do I see myself in this character I’ve been told to hate, to be repulsed by? why can’t I look away, why is this painful, why am I still thinking about it days and weeks and years later? He always delivered, from that youthful (over)exuberance, a palpable excitement like static on your screen, to the quieter, more mature gravity he found later in his career (The Master, A Most Wanted Man). His entire life he gave it 110% and then some.

The first time I watched his filmography through, I did it in random order, whatever I felt like that week. This time was (mostly) chronological. I’m not sure what I’m going to do next, except I know I’m not ready to give this series up quite yet. It’s been over two years now and it’s hard to imagine not having something to look forward to on otherwise bleak Monday nights. And no, as my family and friends have asked, I don’t get tired of them. The volume of his work is so extensive and the material is so wide-ranging, there’s always something I’m craving or haven’t seen in over a year. Tbh I’ve missed the 90s lately—it’s been months since I’ve sat down to watch almost any of them, I miss that buoyancy and his babyface.

I’ve been thinking about doing a little less in these posts—collecting and editing the stills and writing the reviews is time-consuming (and sometimes emotionally taxing) late on a work night and how much, really, can I say about Patch Adams (my beloved)? But, idk. “And the zen master says, we’ll see.”

Over two years of Monday Philms and this blog, which I kinda started as a place to put these reviews, has a couple hundred followers now. Thank you for being here for this journey. But I can’t take much credit for that—I think, I hope, most of y’all are here because of Phil, his work, his life as a brilliant artist and a sweet, handsome, generous person, all the ways he’s inspired and understood you. I like to think we have a nice little community built around that shared love. For me, I am forever indebted to him. My life is changed in every way—fuller, better, more loving and relentless—because it’s now intertwined with his. Thank you Phil so much for everything I love you <3

[moviemunchies]

With Dungeons & Dragons becoming more mainstream in the last few years, through things like Critical Role and that one episode of Community, it was only a matter of time before they tried to make a mainstream movie adaptation. And so we got this: Honor Among Thieves.

Good times.

Our story’s main characters are Edgin and Holga, a bard and barbarian warrior trapped in jail after their last attempted burglary went wrong and the rest of their crew escaped. When they escape, they find out their former companion Forge set them up to be captured, became lord of Neverwinter, and turned Edgin’s daughter against him. Oh no! So they get a crew together to steal all of Forge’s shiny new treasure and get Edgin’s daughter back.

So it’s a heist movie! Except in a fantasy setting. Which is quite fitting for a DnD film, because so many of those quests are team efforts for treasure or to stop a villain. I don’t know precisely how well this film maps onto the expectations of what a DnD sessions tend to go, but I imagine they’re often unpredictable (for the players) and fun adventures, much as this story turns out to be.

What I enjoy about this story is how out there it is? It embraces the fantastical. There are plenty of nonhumans who are just there in the population (often with practical effects!) without anyone questioning it or sitting and explaining it to you. You don’t have the rules of magic explained, but they’re alluded to and they clearly exist. Any asides of “Hey, what IS that?” is for the audience to understand what’s going on. And even then, there are some things which the movie doesn’t tell you, just reveals through context–that panther thing in the maze comes to mind. It’s not a fantasy epic like Lord of the Rings but it is a unabashedly fantasy film that revels in its genre.

Our emotional centers for the movie are Edgin and Holga, the bard and the barbarian, played by Chris Pine and Michelle Rodriguez. Yes, there are other group members and they have development, but these two are very much our leads. Edgin because he’s a fallen hero and he’s trying to get back to his daughter, and Holga who feels she has to prove herself. Their relationship is fantastic, because it’s NOT romantic. They’re best friends! And that’s okay with the story. Their relationship is obvious from their first scene together and it only gets more fun to watch from there.

[The bard doesn’t actually show many bard abilities in the movie other than singing and playing the lute though. Don’t know if that will bother you.]

I was going to happily say that this is a fantasy film without any sort of romance arc, but that’s not quite true, is it? Simon, the group’s sorcerer, previously tried dating the druid, Doric, and he would desperately like to try doing that again. I don’t know if the story really needed this angle, as it really adds very little to the story. But with that in mind, it’s not intrusive–it’s not as if the Plot derails to try to make this into an all-consuming love story. Still, it also barely matters to the characters or their quest, it’s only a way to introduce Doric to the group because Simon already knows her. I appreciate it doesn’t overtake the film, but it makes me wonder if it had to be in the movie at all.

Doric is kind of underdeveloped, and that’s a shame. TV Tropes tells me that supplementary materials gives her much more backstory. I suppose it makes sense that in a movie with this much going on, some material’s going to end up on the cutting room floor. I still think that it should have ended up in the movie–after all, most audience members might not know what a tiefling even is!

Also, I only noticed that Doric had a tail towards the end of the film. Was it always there? Did I just miss it? I need to rewatch.

I had fun watching this film! I’m very happy to be watching a movie that’s not a reboot, remake, or revival of another movie. I suppose there already has been a Dungeons & Dragons movie and television series, and being based off of the game it’s not a completely original film, but it’s still fresh and new. The makers of the film even admitted that they didn’t plan to build a franchise around the movie (though they’re open to making sequels), so it’s nice to see a self-contained story without the expectation of getting invested in a series.

It’s good. See it if you can.

[Though it’s worth noting the paladin isn’t in as much of the book as you’d guess from the advertising campaign.]

[error404-lostinspace]

Some days ago i watched ROTB and these are my thoughts about it

When i went to watch it I wasn’t really hyped and my expectations weren’t high, especially after reading some reviews and because i was afraid it would be similar to Bay's TF movies. Hopefully I was wrong, kinda.

While watching it I felt like it was a Fanfiction wrote by someone that is still learning how to write emotions and wants to surprise the audience at all costs. As others already said, it feels like they tried to mix Bayverse with Knightverse (but they kinda failed 'cause all the emotions felt flat, idk how to explain this). But still, I liked they at least tried to do so.

The good thing is that this film has an understandable plot and doesn’t look like a random pile of stuff put together. Another good thing is that the female characters aren’t sexualised and are an active part in the story (except for the end, i'll talk about it later)

The humans characters were good, enjoyable. The problem? Too many interactions between them and few between the Autobots. When they were going to Peru and Noah and Elena started talking it took to long, I expected Optimus and Arcee to have a convo about Bee but they exchanged like two words??? It's a film about Transformers, please make them interact between each other for more than 5 minutes.

For Optimus they should have listened to the "Show don’t tell" thing. At least he's a personality in this film (no, killing decepticons isn't a personality, sorry Bay)

I still don’t understand why they changed Wheeljack alt mode. He did nothing. Also why they give him that accent? I love Spanish accent but It doesn’t fit his character.

Elena disappeared during the final battle. They gave us a lot of Noah and Mirage and left Elena in the shadows. I really like her character, maybe we'll see more of her in the next movie.

We all agree that there was something between Elena and Airazor, right? They would have been great friends, but they decided to kill Airazor (whose death was kinda meh).

When Bee died I was took by surprise, same for when Mirage became an armour (really cool).

Noah has been inside Mirage for half the movie, when the movie ended me and my friend screamed "OMG THEY ARE A COUPLE". They want us to ship them is the only reasonable explanation to Mirage's joke.

I'm sorry but Chris speech near the end felt forced, it would have been better if it were Elena to give it.

Why did GI Joe office had so many maps of Italy??? (I know nothing about Gi JOE)

The part at the museum when Noah and Elena got hunted was kinda meh. All the film was to fast. They should have made battles less long and gave more time to the rest of the scenes.

Quoting my other friend who watched the film with me, "Scourge is cool" and "Mirage is that type of person that is funny but that you'd punch after two hours spent with him" (but we still love him)

Optimus is a Tired dad, tired big brother, with homesickness. He's so done with Mirage and Bee. Arcee is the elder daughter/second child.

I enjoyed watching Optimus getting K.O. by Scourge.

This movie is not perfect but is way better than those by Bay, I think this new continuity is going in the right direction. Maybe the next one will be memorable, who knows.

Maybe I'll rewatch it in original language.

my vote is 7/10, Bumblebee is still in first place.

All i want now are the the decepticons, I need Starscream and his trine, Soundwave, Shockwave and Megatron.

[wildrisen]

ranking every season of pleasant goat and big big wolf

//// SPOILER WARNINGS. ////

S tier: the best of the best. will always go back to watch.

A tier: awesome, will return to watch

B tier: may periodically rewatch

C tier: probably won’t rewatch unless i’m on a XYYYHTL marathon

D tier: not my favorite tbh

note: i’m not including most of the earlier seasons cause i don’t remember enough of them

starting with:

D tier

⭐️ Dear Little Wish (2014) ⭐️

or, the one where the goats have to grant all the wishes from this tree to send this old star back home.

i don’t think i dislike this one at all, but i’ve never gone back to rewatch it since the first time i saw it in 2017 and tbh, i don’t even remember the ending. just not memorable to me.

🧵 The Tailor’s Closet (2014) 🧵

or, the one where the goats have to make clothes to send their sentient tool friends back to the tailor’s world.

similar situation to DLW. i’ve never gone back to rewatch this season because of the fact that it’s just not… memorable. all i remember is wolffy getting stuck in the tailor’s world at the end lmao. it reminds me quite a bit of Paddi the Amazing Chef.

i will give it extra points for the theme song, though. 3/4 lyrical music is underrated.

❤️‍🩹 Love You Babe (2014) ❤️‍🩹

or, the one where wolnie gets brainwashed into thinking she’s a goat and is paddi’s mom.

…mkay. this one fully deserves the D tier more than any other (except maybe Adventures in the Primitive World). they literally just recycled PTAC. if cpe wanted a second season of PTAC, they could have just… made a second season of PTAC!!

i literally never finished watching this season because of how much it annoyed me lmfao. so I have no idea what the hell happened to wolnie at the end. this is probably one of only 3 seasons I genuinely dislike.

🪶 Adventures in the Primitive World (2015) 🪶

or, the one where the goats and wolffy are teleported back to the world from the 7th movie.

yanno, i like this premise, but?? the primitive characters are so annoying. forgive me for being a weslie stan lmfao but the primitive chief kept using weslie as this scapegoat and kept gaslighting him and shit.

the 7th movie is also the worst one imo, so it never gave me much to begin with. it makes me think they had the idea for the season before the movie and ended up switching it at the end.

now the theme song for this season is by far my most favorite. a shame that it had to be wasted on such a shitty season ngl.

ultimately, the shitty characters, the poor plot line, and the awkward continuation of a not so nice movie just made this season really lackluster and unexciting for me. this is probably my least favorite of all.

🔫 War of Invention (2017) 🔫

or, the one where they go to some other planet and start… inventing stuff.

maybe this judgement of mine is unfair because i never got past a few episodes in, but i had a good reason to quit it.

the animation style. the. fucking. holy shit. literally i am never watching this season properly just because of that. thank god cpe dropped it because what the fuck man.

C TIER

🚘 Happy Formula (2015) 🚘

or, the one where they all get these vehicles that hatched from eggs.

this season kinda marked the turn of more… themed seasons, i suppose. while a plot here doesn’t really exist, the individual episodes are interesting enough for me to revisit at times. i loved weslie in this season tbh.

(how many times did wolffy get ticketed for speeding???)

🐳 Adventures in the Sea (2017) 🐳

or, the one where the goats and wolffy travel to the ocean for the ocean orb.

the second in the Marching to the New Wonderland series.

see, i originally gave this one a rank B, but that felt a bit generous. some of the episodes are just too redundant and uninteresting. though my favorite part was by far the part where slowy got stuck on wolffy’s submarine because his handprint was needed to stabilize the bomb lol.

the theme song is also a massive bop!! i unironically listen to it all the time. so while this season wasn’t especially interesting, the oceanic theme follows MTTNW perfectly.

👽 The Intriguing Alien Guests (2020) 👽

or, the one where weslie discovers he has a little sister, who is getting hunted down by aliens.

third Mighty Little Defenders season. unusually low ranking for one of the newer seasons. but it’s just… a bit boring. apart from the conclusion of weslie’s family story plus the intro of bingbing, this season didn’t hook me that much.

i think this season was really just an excuse to 1. use up all the old ideas for the earliest seasons they never put into place, and 2. pull the angst card. literally almost every episode just looks like rewritten versions of wolffy trying to catch the goats, except it’s the aliens catching bingbing. and they made us all cry at the end with weslie and his family lol.

overall not the most fun but i appreciate the nod to their beginnings.

B Tier

🍳 Paddi the Amazing Chef (2013) 🍳

or, the one where the goats have to cook for this mouse to send her and her sentient kitchen too friends back to their universe.

this season is a lot more memorable to me for an older season. i like the focus on paddi tbh (he was originally intended to be the main character of the show).

the pink mouse girl got attached to wolffy, which made things awkward lol. i recall an episode about trying to make it snow in june + the ones where they had to enter the mouse’s dreams to find her favorite food.

overall, a playful and fun season with a boppy theme song!

🌦️ Flying Island: The Sky Adventure (2018) 🌦️

or, the one where the goats take their trains, now planes, into the sky.

the third edition of MTTNW <3 originally this was supposed to be space adventures i believe, but i do think the sky fits the series better here, after ocean and earth.

here we see the real beginnings of the more plot-based seasons. my favorite was the balloon island and how wolffy & the goats & the citizens worked to drag the town out of the tornado!!

🏀 Dunk for Victories (2021) 🏀

or, the one where the characters play basketball.

though this one was unexciting to begin with, it grew on me. i learned quite a bit about basketball lmao.

tibbie got some serious character development here. i’m happy that cpe has kept her personality and girliness while also removing her from just being the token female character in the cast.

(also i’m gonna take this opportunity to say. i love Dunk for Future (the movie based on this) so so much <3)

my one gripe is that the… thing about the robots didn’t really get solved?? i know it was mostly answered in the next season but i don’t particularly like it when they just leave us hanging like this ngl. i suppose they made it work though.

🍃 The Season Towns (2023) 🍃

or, the one where the goats and wolffy have to defeat the evil king ruling over this fantasy land.

this is the newest season, the sixth in the MLD series. i binged it and?? it’s quite good! they really set us up to expect a straightforward superhero story, but then at episode 45 onwards, things start to get… very interesting very fast. i knew that xiaomu guy was sus…

also, weslie getting possessed by the evil king?? weslie and wolffy FUSING TOGETHER at the end???? >>>

i didn’t particularly like the… inconsistency with the “defense stones,” but other than that, this wasn’t a bad season. i’ll probably rewatch it later down the line.

A Tier

🚂 Marching to the New Wonderland (2016) 🚂

or, the one where the goats take their trains and deliver a vital seed to the center of a huge tree.

when i had my XYYYHTL reawakening in 2017, this is the first season i watched. this was the last season to use the old art style.

can i just say… the aesthetics and the music here are so good??? i love all of the new characters they introduced!! i wish cpe had used the soundtrack again in later seasons but also i enjoy their habit of using music specific to each season.

would have made this S tier except the plot itself didn’t quite meet the mark. but i really really love this season!!

🔎 The Little Detective (2016) 🔎

or, the one where weslie and wolffy have become detectives.

see the reason i like this season so much is because weslie gets to flex his smarts lol. this was also the first one with the new animation style.

also, the friendship is developing consistently between weslie and wolffy?? like. the two will see each other the forest and just be like “oh hey, what are you up to here” and weslie’s not gonna be scared and wolffy’s not gonna attack. seriously it jarred me a bit at first.

i really want to see a sequel to this. just then spending every episode solving cases, convicting the guilty, proving the innocent. didn’t have a plot quite as well as the S tiers but still so good!!

🐱 Against the Dark Force (2020) 🐱

or, the one where all except paddi and wolffy get brainwashed and turned into cats.

seriously the catification of these characters was hilarious and wonderful. it’s like taking the lid off the id lol. ngl, guxin lang deserved better, poor guy. the powers that got introduced in this season are wonderful, especially with how wolffy learns to control his lightning.

this season kept me on my feet. i didn’t want to stop binging it at all. it’s action after action, and then of course there’s the angst of weslie almost dying (cpe is surprisingly sadistic, huh…)

paddi’s character development was incredible here. that’s all i’ll really say cause it’s something you really need to see for yourself!!

the main reason why this is not in S tier is because the ending was… a bit weak imo?? it’s the most basic Power of Friendship(TM) ever and i just. it didn’t really land as hard as i think cpe wanted it to, which was unfortunate.

but the theme song is KILLER and i am definitely coming back to watch this one!!

🤖 Ultimate Battle: The Next Generation (2021) 🤖

or, the one where wolffy and weslie get teleported 15 years into the future, where everything has become all about robots.

this is the 4th MLD season. and i have some stuff to say.

first of all, cpe was clearly feeling nostalgic when they made this. the first episode uses music that hasn’t been used since MTTNW. also, making weslie&wolffy jump 15 years into the future? assuming this season was made in 2020, that means it was also 15 years prior than XYYHTL debuted.

second of all, i think i know where the idea of this season came from. wolffy always says he’ll definitely be back. so what if haha omg one day he didn’t? this is played with so many times in the season and it hurts so good :’)

third of all, the episode where it’s weslie’s birthday and he&wolffy get locked inside a freezer. and they’re just laughing about it. and this is the seasonal angst card all over again.

fourth of all, everyone being turned into robots. tibbie being the Impostor in the station. her backstory being revealed and developed. wolffy slowly getting turned. weslie helping them gain sentience. please omfg

and then the plot twist of the professor turning out to be a robot, deploying all the previous MLD villains.

ngl there was a massively misssed opportunity to add something about weslie’s family?? why didn’t they give us something about bingbing growing up without her brother, or smarc/lily grieving their son??? oml. see this is why this isn’t S tier. good but i’m just too salty abt this part lol.

S Tier

⚔️ Mighty Little Defenders (2019) ⚔️

or, the one where the wolves and goats become friends.

of course MLD had to be here. of course. this was the big one, the one that changed everything. see my favorite favorite tripe ever is enemies to best friends and look, weslie and wolffy kinda had a 900k platonic slow burn building up for the past movies and seasons. and it finally cracked here!!

see i also love the development of all the wolves in general. like. wolffy yes, he’s questioning his entire life, does he want friends or belonging?? but ultimately he chose his friends. you can tell when he decides not to question it anymore.

also, the seven evil wolves. it makes a lot of sense. the toxic wolf spirit reminds me a lot of toxic masculinity tbh. they all got pushed to be this certain idealized image of a wolf but this ended up resulting in a lot of unhealed trauma for all of them. and it wasn’t until they unpacked it that they were able to truly be themselves.

i used to find wolffy annoying and quite bothersome but now? he’s starting to rival weslie as my favorite character. i really value the multidimensionality that was built.

i was sort of expecting this season for a while now. in almost all of the past seasons and movies, weslie and wolffy learned to somehow work together and trust each other, and i was like, how does wolffy even have the heart to still eat someone he’s saved the world with, lol. cpe did a wonderful job this season was perfect i love it

⏳ Rescue Across Time (2019) ⏳

or, the one where the characters time travel to same the world.

the final MTTNW season, and my favorite season of the entire show.

1. the continued character development of from MLD. wolffy’s new friendship with the frosts, and how this helps to uncover a new side of him. yet he’s not immune to his old ways, because he almost destroys it at the end by pretty much betraying them.

2. the time travel. i am a sucker for anything time related in shows and movies!! this show was the perfect one to mess with time because of the fact that you have all these teens or adults who watched this as kids and are now grown, so referencing the old movies and seasons is… oh boy. punches you in the gut really.

3. the backstory of wolffy. it’s finally explained and there couldn’t have been a better way to do it. the ANGST oh my god. he’s still struggling to process the trauma he had from losing his dad and also the generational trauma that his dad probably passed onto him. we have weslie trying to process the grief of his parents ditching him for outer space, and slowy working through his unresolved feelings for stacy. like. dang since when did this kids show get so dark?? my god!!

4. the plot twist. classic “villain reveals true identity” trope but it hits especially hard here when you’ve seen the foreshadowing and all the little details. then it finally ties back the ending from MLD. seriously i fucking gasped this was done SO perfectly.

kay. cpe outdid themselves here. the time travel theme was perfect for concluding MTTNW. the grief, the nostalgia, the angst, the sequel to MLD. i’m always coming back to this season ALWAYS. did not expect a kids show to get this amazing but it did and i’m in love.

🐶 The Great Rescue (2022) 🐶

or, the one where the dark force has infected the nearby dog kingdom.

the second season of ADTF, and the 5th MLD season. just like ADTF, this one really kept me on my feet! action after action!! the goats battling their infected selves in the power locks! wolffy slowly getting infected! an explanation for the origin of the dark force at last!

wolnie’s bond with mingri and tibbie was honestly unexpected but i adore it so so much. also, just. wolffy and weslie battling each other at the end and the heart stabbing moment when it looks like wolffy’s died. aaaaJOJSOJS

see now having this season, i understand why they left off ADTF where they did. i wonder if they’re gonna make an ADTF 3…?

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well that was a long ass post BUT BUT that is it for all the XYYHTL seasons!! i should rank their theme songs next tbh. i think i know which one is my no. 1, maybe my top 5??

wish this fandom were a little more popular in the western world because i LOVE it so so so much 🥹🥹🥹❤️