#I don’t feel like dying of secondhand embarrassment today | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

keybladeswar · 5 years ago

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Muse (Terra x Reader)

Words: 2049

Warnings: Some cursing, possible secondhand embarrassment, awkward moments, Terra attempting to flirt and failing miserably

Summary: Your crush Terra stops by while you’re trying to paint and things get awkward and angsty real fast.

Author’s Note: Ya girl can’t write romance but she’s trying to learn. If you enjoy this, please like and reblog. And feel free to submit requests!

The pale yellow sunlight streamed in and the light summer breeze made your thin white curtains dance. You could hear the birds chirping and the crash of the waves in the distance. It was the perfect day to paint, yet here you stood, brush in hand, staring at the blank white canvas. With a groan of frustration, you tossed the brush into your water cup, it hitting the side of the cup with a little plink. It had been a week since you’d last painted something, and for someone like you who usually painted every day, it felt like a lifetime. You just couldn’t think of anything worth painting. You were beginning to think you’d never paint again.

“This is pointless!” you shouted. You stomped over to your bed and flopped down face first. Your face buried in your pillow, you breathed in the lavender scent of the laundry detergent. Maybe if you cut off some of your oxygen flow, you’d hallucinate something to paint.

Before you could test that theory, however, there was a light knock at your door.

“Who is it?” you called, then upon realizing they probably couldn’t hear you with your face in the pillow, you sat up and asked again.

“It’s Terra.”

“Come in!”

The door opened and your fellow keyblade wielders entered, looking around your room slowly as if assessing it. “Every time I come in here, you have something new,” he muttered, looking at the collection of sea shells and other knick knacks that lines your dresser and bookshelf.

“To be fair, I can count the times you’ve been in my room on one hand.” Though you, Terra, Aqua, and Ventus all lived under the same roof as you trained with Master Eraqus, it was rare that any of them came to your bedroom or vice versa. You thought of your room as your quiet space, the place you went to get away from people. There were plenty of other places to talk and laugh with others. This was your space.

Though your room was spacious, as soon as Terra closed the door behind him, you became aware of what an intimate space it was. He’d never been in here without the accompaniment of Ven or Aqua, and even then it was usually a quick pop-in to ask a question. Now, as he looked at your things, your personal belongings, you realized he was seeing you as you were in private, your most honest self, parts of you that you could hide when in public. You also realized you were sitting on your bed in nothing but a small tank top and short shorts and scrambled to your feet, pulling the hems of both articles of clothing down and hoping you weren’t blushing.

You cleared your throat. “Not that I’m not happy to see you, but is there a reason you stopped by?”

“Oh,” He turned his gaze to you and you fought the urge to try to hide your body. It wasn’t like you were indecent. You just tended to, you know, wear more clothes around the others. “I was walking by when I thought I heard you shout. I wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

“Well, I’m not dying if that’s what you mean. I’m just... slightly annoyed with myself. But it’s fine.”

Terra nodded and the two of you stood in silence for a moment, neither of you being the talkative type. Then he glanced at the blank canvas set up by the window. “Were you painting?” he asked.

“Yeah...” you rubbed your arm, feeling slightly embarrassed. No one at the Land of Departure knew you painted. It was a private hobby, one that you felt was directly tied to your emotions. Advertising your paintings would be like shouting to the world, “Hey, look at me! I’m sad today! Now I’m angry! Now I’m in love!”

“Well,” you continued. “I was trying to, but I can’t think of anything to paint.”

“Maybe you need to find your muse,” Terra said. You gave a little laugh of acknowledgement. Terra turned to look at you again, and you thought his face was a little pink. “Maybe I could be your muse.”

Your heart stopped. Did Terra just... flirt with you? Terra didn’t flirt. Flirting was a distinctly un-Terra-like thing to do.

Or at least, Terra didn’t flirt with you. No matter how much you wished he did. Not that anyone knew since you kept your feelings locked away most of the time, but you’d had a crush on Terra since you first came to live here, about a year after he did. But he was always so quiet and so were you, and you thought you’d die of embarrassment if anyone ever found out. Though you’d been just a kid then, you found that feeling followed you into adulthood, as did your crush. You had long ago accepted the fact that nothing would ever happen between the two of you, as you’d never admit your feelings and Terra never seemed interested, always talking to you more as an acquaintance or co-worker than a close friend, the way he talked to Aqua and Ven. If anything, you assumed he and Aqua would eventually get together.

And yet here he stood, in your room, face flushed with embarrassment after flirting with you.

You didn’t know how to react. So you did the worst possible thing you could do. You laughed. It wasn’t a mean laugh. It was an “I’m so awkward and uncomfortable with expressing my feelings that I do NOT know how to react to my crush appearing to return my feelings” laugh, but Terra didn’t seem to know the difference. His face fell and turned even more red. “Forget I said anything.” He lowered his head and hurried toward the door.

“Terra, no, wait!” You called. “I didn’t mean—“ But the door slammed shut and you were left alone.

***

“Y/n! Focus!” Master Eraqus shouted. You snapped back to reality just in time to stop Ven’s keyblade from bashing into your head. “Stop! Both of you. Y/n, will you step outside with me?”

Panting, you put away your keyblade. You shook hands with Ven, who looked both confused and concerned, and followed Eraqus out of the training room. Great. Just when you thought you couldn’t feel worse, you’d disappointed your Master.

“I’m sorry, Master. I know I’m doing poorly. I—“

He held up his hand and you fell silent. “I’m not interested in hearing excuses, Y/n. A keyblade master must be able to focus, no matter what distractions they may have. Your heart must be strong, but you must also prevent it from distracting you.”

“I know, Master. I won’t fail you again.” You hung your head.

“Why don’t you take the rest of the afternoon off. Clear your head. Figure out how to fix whatever’s bothering you. I expect you to work twice as hard tomorrow, especially if you want to catch up to Aqua and Terra to take the Mark of Mastery exam.”

You nodded. “Of course, Master. Thank you.”

As Eraqus returned to the training room, you stared blankly at the wall in front of you. You felt awful about yesterday. If you could just open up to people, there wouldn’t be a problem. Master Eraqus always told you one of your biggest weaknesses was your inability to show vulnerability. You never understood why. You were vulnerable to your thoughts today and look where that got you. You sighed. You knew you needed to talk to Terra and tell him the truth, but even thinking of confessing your feelings made you sick to your stomach. Besides, even if you did work up the nerve to do it, Terra had been avoiding you all day. He’d probably never talk to you again.

You needed to clear your head. Instead of going back to your room to take a shower and nap like you usually did after afternoon training, you decided to take a walk down to the beach. Maybe the fresh air would help you think.

You loved taking walks around the grounds, typically at or just after sunset. The Land of Departure had beautiful views, and being out in the quiet away from everyone else calmed you.

You couldn’t believe you laughed. You must’ve looked like such an asshole. You didn’t know why that was your automatic response; maybe it was the panic, the sudden jumble of emotions and embarrassment that had to escape somehow. You’d never forget the look on Terra’s face.

As you neared the shore, you were surprised to see someone already there. You were even more surprised when you walked a bit closer and recognized his tall frame, his brown hair. Terra. You couldn’t stop the little gasp that left you and you were about to dart away hoping he hadn’t seen or heard you when he looked up.

Damn it. Now you couldn’t leave without looking like an even more terrible person, even though you wanted nothing more than to run and lock yourself in your room never to come out again.

You didn’t know what to say so the two of you stood there staring at each other in silence. Finally, Terra spoke. “I was just leaving.” Head down, avoiding your gaze, he brushed past you, heading up the trail back to the castle.

You squeezed your eyes shut as your heart hammered away in your chest. If you let him leave now, he’d never talk to you again. You’d never get to apologize, to explain yourself. Be vulnerable. Don’t hide yourself away. “Terra, wait. Please.” You turned, expecting him to have ignored you, but instead found him lingering, though facing away from you.

“Look, I — I didn’t mean... What I’m trying to say is...” You sighed. Why was this so hard.

“I get it, Y/n. It’s fine. We can just pretend it never happened,” Terra said, completely misreading what you were trying to say.

“No, that’s not what I mean!” You took a deep breath. “Will you come up to my room? There’s something I need to show you.”

You expected him to say no, but he nodded. The two of you walked back to the castle in silence. The awkward tension was so thick you could have cut it with a knife. You knew what you were about to do and you regretted your decision the second he agreed to it. When you got to your room, Terra hesitates by the door and you headed over to your painting corner. Your painted canvases leaned against the wall, the most recent at the front. The pile had grown considerably over the years but you had nowhere else to put them. You flipped through them, found the one you were looking for and held it against your chest tightly as you walked back to Terra. Wordlessly, you flipped it around and held it out to him.

“Is this... me?” Slowly, he reached out and took the painting from your hands.

You’d completed it about a year ago, based off of a sketch you’d done while watching Terra and Ven practicing outside. It was a portrait of Terra, his head thrown back in laughter. You always loved seeing him like that, as rare as it was. You admired how young he seemed, how carefree. How vulnerable. You’d done countless sketches of the others, even Master Eraqus as you tried to figure out the human form. But there was something about this one that you couldn’t get out of your head. You had to paint it.

“You’ve always been my muse, Terra.”

“W-what?” Terra looked up at you.

“I didn’t mean to laugh. And I didn’t mean for it to be rude anyway. I wasn’t laughing at you. I promise. I just...” You paused. “Terra, I’ve had a crush on you since I first came here, and to hear you say that, I just didn’t know what to do. I’m not good with emotions and I panicked and I just—“

Terra cut you off by brushing his lips against yours. “It’s okay, Y/n. I’m not the best with expressing my feelings either. But maybe we can learn together.”

You smiled. “Sounds like a plan.” And you pulled him down for another kiss.

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alwayshailing87 · 3 years ago

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A Bowl of Cheddar Popcorn

I had a good cry today, ya know. I had a few moments where I got so frustrated because I couldn’t talk to you. There are days I miss talking to you, but this was a day where it was like a cold wrenching pain in my chest. It was a cry like when I got that phone call. I feel like I’m running out of time. Not time as in being alive. If you’re watching I think you know what I mean. And I’m panicking.

For a moment I thought about what it would be like to talk to you now. Sitting at the table with our big bowl of cheddar popcorn watching Lawrence Welk or Antiques Roadshow. I wish I could open up about what’s hurting me and not being talked over. Not be corrected. Not be invalidated or told “Well I don’t know what to do for you”, or “Well you’re not the only one”. I need the calm, listening ear and comfort.

Mom is scaring me. There are days I feel like she’s losing it. She panics when I don’t call after I get home. She calls on her way to work when she’s on midnight shift and I’m already in bed. When she does check in, she tells me to “give Bill a call later and check in”. Why? Can’t I just exist? Can’t I just be alone? Even when I want to talk, I don’t want to call home. I have nothing to report. It’s nothing exciting. But still she calls multiple times a day like she’s running out of time.

She talks about dying a lot. That she doesn’t have a lot of time left. She’s frantically crafting, buying and stocking up on odds and ends and craft supplies. The moment I mention I like something in passing, maybe like a little piece of home decor or a sign I saw at Home Goods, she goes and makes it on her own and gives it to me. It’s not that I’m not grateful that she wanted to make something for me, but it’s not something I needed. I liked it, I didn’t WANT it. And when I don’t react like I’m over the moon, she gets angry.

When I pull bags of random craft shit out of the car and ask her what she’s doing with it she says she’s going to make something...and yet she’s always pissed that the house is cluttered and that there’s “shit everywhere”. We don’t have a filthy house. It’s not even a hoarding house. We have a nice home. But those bags...bags of just...stuff...when I ask her and she gives me some vague answer or tells me about yet another craft video she watched to keep pumping out whatever hack she’s looked at, I just look at her with unsure eyes. Maybe my look is a dead giveaway that I’m questioning her mental state, because she snaps “WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE I’M FUCKING RET*RDED??”

It’s because you’re fucking losing it, Jeanne, and I feel like I’m losing my mom to a lot of shit that she’s left unpacked for 50+ goddamn years.

Speaking of that...the “r” word. I have never heard her use that word so much in my life than in the last few months. Everything to her is “ret*rded”. It’s aggressive use of the word and I’m not quite sure why. She uses it a lot and it’s something that really gives me secondhand embarrassment.

She’s redoing everything in the house. She’s obsessively looking up organizing hacks and craft projects. I can see it plain as day she’s coping with something, but I couldn’t tell you what. When you left, some of it started. When Papa left, it got worse. When she hit menopause...it was full tilt.

She’ll ask me 10 times if I want to go somewhere while I’m home. I’m trying to save money because I can barely afford my own therapy. I’m trying to pay down some debt. I’ll say “no it’s okay, I don’t need to go anywhere”. And then she’ll rephrase the question another six times. When I answer a bit more firmly, she gets upset and says “Well I needed to go to the store and I was just asking if you needed to get anything while you’re home”.

When I try to open up about what I’m going through, she flies off the handle and makes assumptions. I’ve had a lot of dating setbacks. It’s automatically “you need to get away from online dating”, “it’s all that social media”, “you should let me hook you up with this kid at work”. I don’t want to date the country hick Trump loving asshole you work with. Hard pass. Just because you’re desperate for grandkids doesn’t mean I’m shelling out my wares to the lowest bidder.

She tells me I need to meet people by going out and doing more things...yet I can’t drive. I don’t have the money to afford driving lessons. I don’t have money for a car, or car insurance, or the rent to keep a car in the garage at the apartment. She tells me to get back into performing and theater...and asks “why can’t I just take the bus?” It’s not like the old people shuttle back in Mercer County that just takes you to the exact place you need to go. She has no concept of what it’s like to live down here, alone. Even if I wanted to get a different job that paid more, a lot of those are outside of the transit scope. I can’t get there unless I have a car. I’m stuck.

She’s yelled at me for being on my phone while I’m at home. I have so, so many friends that I’ve made that I’ve stayed connected with through social media. These people brighten my world. I’m still isolated from a lot of people, you know. I live alone. I have to do everything here on my own. Most of my friends are in relationships now. Or they live farther away like Gill. It’s just me. Like the Pitt Twitter folks...sometimes those guys are like my lifeline just to have people to talk to.

The moment I open my phone, and I mean the literal second I swipe to open Twitter, it’s immediately “who are you talking to?” - and it’s not always asked with a tone of innocent curiosity. There’s a tone of “what could possibly be that important that you can’t talk to me?”

It’s because I desire the sanctuary of home and yet I feel like I’m not with “my mom”. I’m with someone who is losing her fucking mind and refuses to cope with her past or her fears with treatment outside of the latest DIY organizing hack video on YouTube. When I do cave and go shopping with her, it’s overwhelming. I remember going through Santa Land at Christmas time, and every display we walked past it’s like she was in my face saying “you could make this”, or “you could put this and this together and make this and it would be so much cheaper”...I don’t want to make any of this shit, Mom. I like the decorations but it doesn’t mean I need them in my home. It was almost like sensory overload. When we go clothing shopping she’s always behind me like “What are you looking at? Did you see this? What are you buying? This would look cute.” But it’s more like rapid-fire questioning while shopping instead of just browsing.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve gotten quieter. Maybe it’s because I’m running out of people to talk to. Maybe it’s because I shut down when I get home. Maybe it’s because in a lot of ways I have tried my best to mellow myself out after all that I’ve been through. Sometimes I just want to *be*. And to her, my quietness is an alarm.

The last couple times I’ve visited home, she’s been the one to drive me back to Pittsburgh. I don’t have much to say or talk about, simply because I use that ride to exist quietly. Every few seconds she asks me “Is something wrong? Why aren’t you talking?” and it’s like she can’t compute or accept the answer of “ I just enjoy the quiet”. She talks nonstop on the rides down and it gives me a headache. Most of the stories or things she’s talking about are repeats. I have nothing to add. I can’t even put my earbuds in because she’ll get mad that I’m being antisocial.

I’m so torn. I want to enjoy going home and yet when I am home I don’t do much. My outlets to talk when I actually do want to open up are disappearing. Bill’s mom isn’t well. I usually found it hard to open up to her the way I did with you. Nothing against her, it’s just never really happened.

I haven’t spoken to Grandma in nearly two months. I’ve tried to chat her up the way we used to talk...but she’s not you. After a while she says she has to go do some mundane task, or take a phone call. She didn’t even tell me Grandad died. What home do I have where your own grandmother can’t tell you your grandfather passed way...especially after she called to tell you he was in hospice.

I feel like I have nowhere to go. Earlier I went into town to go tanning and for a few minutes I thought about how I still remember sitting in the kiddie pool on th back deck and watching the hummingbirds fly around the feeder. I remember watching you pleat the wrapping paper you used to line the tables when you put of the Christmas village. I can hear Roger Whittaker’s Christmas cassette taping playing from the stereo on the landing. Is it weird that I’m retreating back to these childhood memories? And everything I’m searching for are just moments with you. To me, it’s peace. When things were less crazy and complicated. Even though when I was little you were still shielding me from so much. But those thoughts to me are so peaceful.

You were peace. Even when I wasn’t sure, or when I was sad, you were peace. You were support without judgement, or correction, or interruption. You listened to me. And lately I’ve just felt so afraid. I’m afraid I’m losing my mom. I’m afraid for Sylvia’s health. I’m afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I’m afraid of having no one here. Even in a world where I have so many people who support me at the touch of a button, I am terrified I will never have anyone *here*.

This whole time I’ve been writing I keep imagining I’m pouring a can of Pepsi and grabbing a few more handfuls of popcorn while I sit at the table and just let it all out. Getting my fingers covered in that neon orange powdered cheese from the Cheese House and trying to lick it off while I’m a crying mess. And in my mind you’re sitting there. Maybe it’s a ghost of you because you don’t talk much. You have looks of concern, or you nod. There’s a “hmm” here and there, but no words. You reach for my hand, but you don’t really speak. The look in your eyes shows concern, and maybe even uncertainty. It’s like you want to say something but you physically can’t. And for as much as I do miss your voice, it’s not necessarily your voice that I need.

I’ve just missed you, and I’ve missed having you here.

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kittenwritesstuff · 7 years ago

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Wham Bam

Gif’s not mine!

Fandom: Marvel Pairing: Logan Howlett x (teacher)reader Genres: possible secondhand embarrassment, a bit of jealousy, fluff Words: 1.615 Summary: Drunk, you confess your feelings for Logan, despite being sure he wants only Jean. However, Logan has a surprising admission to make - requested by Anonymous

With a grunt, you force your eyelids to lift as the obnoxious sound of an alarm invades your ears. Your head feels incredibly heavy, and a dull ache pounds as soon as you decide to get up.

Yesterday evening you’ve made quite an amount of bad decisions. First one was agreeing when Logan invited you for a drink. Then, one bottle of scotch later, you have made another bad decision, but you blame only alcohol for that.

You told Logan you were in love with him.

And then you ran away. Well, you tried to run but it was more like a slalom, given your drunken state.

When you reached your room, you found a bottle of beer and decided to drink it while you wallowed in self-pity and shame.

Needless to say, the evening wasn’t good.

And, what was even worse, you are sure that Logan remembers everything. Every damn word you said.

As if it even matters. It’s not like your confession will miraculously make him love you. He has eyes only for Jean, you are nothing more than a fellow teacher. Probably not even a friend.

You heave out a sight, as you rub your eyes. Luckily, it’s Sunday which means no classes, which means you will have a whole day to recover from your poor choices last night.

“Shiiiiiit,” you mutter under your breath as you course your fingers through your hair. How could you be so dumb? How could you let yourself be fooled by a hefty dose of whisky and a bit more relaxed Logan? Why did you think that his smiles from previous night meant something more?

Climbing out of the bed, you waddle to your bathroom, deciding that for now, the best choice will be to take a shower. A very cold one. You need to be sober in case of meeting Logan, although you are pretty sure you will run away just as you did yesterday.

It seemed like a great idea then, most likely your brain will prompt you to do the same today. After all, Logan equals lethal danger right now.

You are literally dying from embarrassment. For some reason your mind keeps presenting you images of angry Logan, disappointed Charles and very sad Ororo. And Jean with mocking smile, even though she was always nice to you.

“I am so bloody stupid,” you scold yourself as you rub a soap against your skin. Of course, your usual a little reserved manner disappeared when Logan said a few nice words. Pathetic. A guy you have a crush on says a compliment and you immediately throw caution to the wind and take a risk.

You have never regretted anything more.

Wrapping a towel around your torso, you reach for a smaller one to dry your hair. At least you’ve learnt a lesson. You are now even more assured that there is no point in revealing your true emotions. You gained nothing more than shame and regret, and you obviously would do just fine without them.

You put on your favorite jeans and a plaid shirt and stop before your door, your hand on a handle, your brows furrowed.

You are hungry but what if Logan is there? What if you step into him? What if you have to talk to him?

Of course, you can’t stay in your room forever, even though the prospect seems very appealing and tempting. Charles would eventually come to you, asking if you’re alright, and there was no way you could hide your thoughts from him, not when your mind is literally screaming.

You sigh and push the door open, peeking at the corridor. It’s empty and so you walk out of your room and quietly sneak into the kitchen, hoping that Logan is still asleep. Surely, he needs his rest, too, he probably drunk more after you left. You don’t want to think about how your spectacular admission made him feel.

You little journey ends up with a success as you enter a vacant kitchen. Quickly, you make yourself a coffee and scrambled eggs with bacon. Your head doesn’t ache that much already – it’s a con of having enhanced healing abilities.

Being a mutant is very useful sometimes.

Finishing your breakfast in no time, you clean after yourself and after making yourself a cup of tea for later, you head to your room. You need to find a way to occupy your mind, so that you won’t spend the entire day on thinking about last evening. Preparing for tomorrow classes is your top idea now, later probably a nap and a book.

You don’t allow yourself a moment of musing. No way you will think about Logan today. You’re done with him. Nothing you can do about it now, no way you can make it right.

How can you compete with Jean, anyway?

You pout. It’s an absolutely hopeless situation, isn’t it? Logan most likely hates you now and by tomorrow, Jean will know about your crush, too, which means Scott will find out. And he will definitely tease you forever.

Gosh, you wish you could turn back time and never agree on drinking with Logan.

You are almost at your door when someone calls your name and you freeze, your eyes going wide.

It’s him.

“Y/N! C’mon, we gotta talk.”

“No,” you shake the initial frozen state off and say sternly. “No, no, no, no, no, no.”

You keep repeating it even when you close the door behind yourself, successfully separating you and Logan.

He knocks roughly at the door.

“Can we just talk?”

“No, I’m busy!” you shout, walking away from the door and placing your tea on your desk. Logan won’t walk in uninvited so you opt to ignoring him for as long as it takes. He will eventually give up, right?

“Bullshit, you told you had everything ready.”

“I lied!”

“Oh, so that’s your strategy, eh?”

You curse under your breath at the cockiness in his voice. It seems that nothing you can say will make him go away, and you don’t look forward to feeling trapped in your own room.

“Logan, just go!” you call as you sit on the edge of your bed, your eyes fixed on the door.

“Not until we talk!”

“Go on then!”

“Let me in first!” he barks and you purse your lips. You don’t want to see him but at the same time you’re aware that it’s inevitable. At some point, the two of you have to have a conversation about what happened the previous night but can’t it be delayed? Forever, perhaps?

“Al right, I’m coming in!” he announces after a moment of silence and as the door begin to open, you cover your face with your hands in irrational want to create a kind of shield from him. You can’t see him so he’s not able to see you, right?

He lets out an airy chuckle as he closes the door.

“You know I can still see you.”

“No, you can’t,” you mumble and you hear Logan stepping closer. As you peek down you see his feet directly in front of you.

“Y/N, look at me.”

“No, I don’t wanna.”

“Y/N…” he calls softly as he lowers himself to, most likely, be on your eye level. You’re not bold enough to check.

“You weren’t that shy yesterday,” he teases and you roll your eyes even though he can’t see it.

“I mean, the way you told me about… you know… I didn’t expect such a show, to be honest.”

“What, Jean would do it better?” you say, your voice turning low and almost venomous. You realize that you are being stupidly jealous but you can’t help it. Every time you’ve seen Logan and Jean together, smiling at each other, you wished it was you, not her.

Logan sighs.

“Y/N, listen. I know that it looks like Jean and I have a thing… but she’s with Scott, and I… Damn, you drive me crazy, babygirl.”

“What?!” you exclaim, your hands falling on your thighs as you stare at Logan with wide open eyes.

“Hey, pretty face,” he smirks and you snort through your nose.

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Logan quirks up his brow.

“As I said, I’m crazy about you, not Jean.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me yesterday?”

“You flaked off, Y/N,” he chuckles and you nod your head.

“Okay, you have a point,” you admit and Logan shakes his head slightly, a small fond smile spreading on his lips.

“You better now? Or still don’t wanna see me?” he teases again and you playfully punch his arm.

“Shut up, Logan. I was embarrassed, okay?”

“Oh, I can imagine! I thought you wouldn’t leave your room at all today.”

“Well, it crossed my mind,” you crack a smile and gasp when, without warning, Logan wraps his arms around your middle.

“So now’s the fun part,” his voice is lower now, quieter. “Can I kiss you?”

“Can you, Logan?” it’s your turn to tease him. Logan simply doesn’t seem like a man who’d ask such a thing.

“I’m trying to be a gentleman here and that’s wha-“

He doesn’t get to finish the banter because you pull at the collar of his shirt and crash your lips onto his, successfully cutting him off.

Although, you’re sure Logan doesn’t mind. And even more so, when he tilts your head to deepen the kiss. It’s turning into passionate and rough within seconds, just as you imagined it would be, and you are pushed onto your back only a moment later, his lips starting their sweet assault on your neck.

Yeah, that’s more like Logan.

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raeyvies · 7 years ago

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Hi! What about a Headcanon about how everyone would react to MC who does Mukbang's?? 😊💜

RFA + V + Saeran reacting to MC who does Mukbangs (vlogs while eating food) 먹방

Oh my god I loved writing this headcanon ^_^ I’ve never seen anyone do an HC about this and I actually thought it was so creative! For those of you who don’t know, Mukbang is just livestreaming while eating food and interacting with the viewers. It’s actually something that’s getting popular lately in Korea so I totally see MC actually doing this xD Also, some who do mukbangs actually get money for it~ Thank you for requesting :D

Yoosung:

This boy was literally playing his video games while supposedly studying

Of course it was LOLOL and he was legit hacking at his keyboard

It’s a miracle that his computer is still alive up to this day

You had texted him a few times to see what he was doing before you started your live stream.

It’s not that you wanted to keep it a secret from Yoosung but it’s a natural reaction

No one really likes explaining themselves for what they like to do right?

It’s just one of those things you kind of hope that someone else doesn’t find out about

You already had a pretty large fan base for your vlogs and live stream as so it would be a matter of time before your boyfriend found out

You were sitting there on the floor with a large bowl of spicy rice cakes and a side a kimchi.

Today’s theme was comfort food on a budget and you talked about how easy it is to cook all this stuff and how satisfying it is when you taste it

While live streaming you always read the comments and answered them because it was fun

Some were so cute and some were extremely nice

You would make this little motion if shaking your shoulders when you read cute comments

Oh the flattery.

Yoosung started noticing that a lot of his friends were logging off and was so confused

They were in the middle of PVP and like no one ever logs out in the middle of a battlefield.

IT’S THE NUMBER ONE RULE

He quickly asked those still online why they were logging out and they said it was to watch a Mukbang live stream

They said that the host was really cool and sweet and cute

They sent yoosung a link to the video and his reaction was priceless when he saw your face

He started sending in a spam of comments hoping for you to read them

“MC WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME YOU DO THIS”

“I FEEL SO BETRAYED. HOW COULD YOU EAT WITHOUT ME”

“CLEAN YOUR MOUTH TOO. MAKES ME WANT TO RUN OVER THERE AND WIPE IT FOR YOU”

Oh the secondhand embarrassment.

With a slightly full mouth, you cough in surprise

Not graceful at all

“Yoosung!! What the heck! You’re supposed to be in class right now. Get back to class”

And then you tell everyone who was watching that commenter “yoosung��” was your boyfriend

And after that, all comments during the video turned around to be about you and yoosung

What can you say, your fan base really wanted to know who you were dating

And Yoosung gained some serious street cred in LOLOL for being your boyfriend

Jumin:

You began the livestream fairly late at night but it was the only time you were free

And really, the only time you were hungry that day

Jumin hadn’t arrived from work yet while you got off work very early that day

So you set up your camera you had secretly bought “borrowed” from V (woops)

You decided to livestream outside on the penthouse balcony and also for the good lighting

You start and give your wacky introduction with some funny chopstick moves

“Alright guys, I know it’s been a while but I’m back tonight! I’m outside for a change and we’ll be having late night snacks today”

You showed them a box of gyeranppang (계란빵)/Egg bread and some hotteok (호떡)/Korean pancakes.

“Actually I didn’t make this. I was feeling lazy and craving some street food. You can’t ever go wrong with street food!”

As per usual, you interact with your viewers asking them questions about their favorite street foods and late night cravings

It was all fun for you and you had missed doing these broadcasts for a while

You were surprised you still had a solid fanbase

Then suddenly the comments started blowing up, saying that there was someone behind you entering through the door

MC there’s someone in your house!

Intruder alert intruder alert!

Turn around and run away MC!!

So you were a little frightened by their reactions until you looked back and found Jumin right behind you

And you looked glamorous

Half a hotteok pancake was sticking out from your mouth, so instead of Jumin giving you a kiss as a greeting, he simply took a bite directly from the same pancake sticking out

Oh God you were blushing so hard as everyone tuned in was watching this unfold.

Jumin saw the camera and the video being recorded and simply asked

“Commoner food all of a sudden?”

You still loved it when he considered your favorite foods commoner foods. It was really cute in your opinion because he liked that type of food just as much ever since you married him

You finished your hotteok with wide eyes and turned back to the screen for a moment

“I forgot to tell you guys something. I actually got married while I was away from mukbangs! He’s actually my husband not an intruder.”

Jumin caught on and introduced himself super formally (chill boi, just let loose)

“Long story short, I married him in 11 days– Ya! Jumin get back here and join me!”

He changed clothes first before joining you. He was actually really delighted to do a mukbang with you

Given, he had no idea what a mukbang is because “commoner” things

“So. What exactly do I do here?”

You couldn’t help but laugh. He actually needed help with this

“Well first of all, sit right next to me. Really close to me. And then eat. Oh and talk to the viewers too! Looks like they want to meet you. And, I think we’re going to need more food…”

Jumin couldn’t deny that the food was so delicious. Remind him to buy more of this food when he gets off work

After a while he got comfortable with the live stream even though it was his first time and you left him to it while you went across the street to buy more food

You were overjoyed to come back and see him actually enjoying himself.

You loved seeing him doing “commoner” things after all

The live stream went well into the night and the both of you weren’t no strangers to PDA.

Besides, it was fan service anyway.

Jaehee:

“And on today’s episode of Vlogs with MmmmmC, I’ll be doing something different”

Today, your mukbang wasn’t the traditional livestream. Usually you would just be at your apartment eating food that you made for Jaehee because Hey someone’s gotta make food right

You were actually doing a lowkey promotion of yours and Jaehee’s Cafe.

Considering how large a fan base you had, you decided to use it to your advantage honestly

It would make jaehee so happy to know that a lot more people were coming to her Cafe.

IT would be a little gift to her from you.

You were live streaming from your phone as you walked over to the Cafe

“Alright so today, I’ll actually be going to a Cafe and tasting food from there. It’s a somewhat new Cafe but the food is soooooo good.”

As you walk in through the door, Jaehee sees you and is suddenly confused. She was cleaning things up before planning to close for the day.

“You guys want to know why the food is so good here? It’s because I work here and my girlfriend owns this place! Jaehee come here!”

You tell her to introduce herself to your viewers and she does so but very shyly.

You give her a little kiss and ask if it’s okay to show them some of the pastries that were in the fridge.

Jaehee was totally on board with this and actually took your phone and started showing the viewers around the cafe even though this was her first mukbang

The comments coming in were super friendly and positive

Most of them were anxious for you to reveal the address of the cafe because for one they wanted to meet you but the food also genuinely looked delicious

Some of the fans even begged for more fan service and how could you deny it

You loved Jaehee so much, no one had to tell you when to kiss her or not anyway.

Every chance you could, you gave Jaehee a peck on the cheek and at one point of the live stream, you were being a cringe cuddly couple as you both fed each other desserts.

At the end of the live stream you revealed the location of the cafe and the next morning there was a line outside the Cafe

Jaehee was just wonderstruck

But she couldn’t thank you enough

A part of her was also thinking that there was going to be so much work ahead of you.

But it’s okay. You made sure to get Zen and Yoosung on board to help out with baking

You already knew you had a large fan base but you didn’t expect them to be this dedicated

Zen:

Zen found out about your Mukbangs the same day it came out into the news that the two of you were dating

“And in breaking news, famous actor Zen Ryu has been found to be in a relationship with Ms. MC, a well known mukbang online celebrity.”

Okay it was a stretch for you to be called a celebrity but you were definitely well known online.

You were surprised that Zen didn’t know yet but it made sense.

He was always busy with rehearsals

What he didn’t know was that you also make it rain with your live streams.

As the news continued, clips from your old videos were replayed along with some newer ones

You were cringing at the old videos

Oh my god you were actually a very embarrassing girl back when you started these videos

What even was up with your hair and clothes??

You couldn’t bare to watch the news so you were going to change the channel but Zen took the remote from you, chuckling at your reaction.

“Oh come on MC. You were adorable back then. What happened to you? You became so gorgeous.”

“Noooo, it’s so embarrassing! I don’t even know what I was doing back then. Why was I even dying my hair back then oh god what was I”

Zen was trying so hard not to laugh

For the rest of that day, Zen insisted in re-watching your most popular mukbangs and you gave in

You actually laughed at yourself.

You were so messy when it came to eating ramen and other noodle dishes

Then you got the idea to film another mukbang

After all, it had been a few months since you did one and you were feeling kind of nostalgic

You looked in the fridge and saw some left overs and thought that was just fine for this episode

Finding a camera wasn’t hard and you set up the live stream

The viewers came swarming in as they were super excited to see you again especially after the revealing of your relationship with Zen

“HI everyone! It’s been a while hasn’t it? Well I’d like to introduce you to a new member of my mukbang Vlogs!”

The viewer count reached a new record for you

Seven

This kid knew about your mukbangs since the beginning

Surprise surprise

Even if he was in the middle of work he would always join in and watch your live streams

He thought you were always so cute but one day he started seeing comments in the chat asking whether or not you have a boyfriend

You were both actually at home that day but he was in his office working

You were actually surprised when someone asked you that, that you ending up coughing while you had food in your mouth

You cleaned yourself up first before telling your viewers about your boyfriend

Oh god it was like a slippery slope. One person asked and then a flood of chats came in only asking you about your current relationship status

You have no idea why but it made you blush all of a sudden to talk about it

But looks like you didn’t have to because Saeyoung actually hacked your livestream

So now he was the star of the show and you were just completely dumbstruck

“Hi MC! Guess what? I knew about your mukbangs all along *insert cackling noise*”

“So you guys were clearly asking her about her boyfriend and let me tell you, she’s taken. By me. And a space ship”

He was literally doing his own mukbang with your viewers as he ate honey Buddha chips and talked on and on about you

Some viewers were still not convinced about him being your boyfriend as you continued reading the comments

Since he was pranking you, you had to get some payback.

You grabbed the ramen plate and the udon noodles and went downstairs to his office

You casually entered and Saeyoung didn’t notice you there so from behind, you dumped ramen and udon all over his head.

Then once again you appear on his camera and say

“Yes everyone. This noodle boy is my boyfriend. And well I didn’t really give him permission to hack my livestream. Did I, Saeyoung?”

You were literally a laughing mess as Saeyoung was still frozen in his seat.

You sat on his lap and well you gave him a kiss on the lips that clearly tasted like spicy ramen

You look at the camera, chuckling and say

“I think ramen tastes better this way. I encourage you to do this to all your boyfriends and girlfriends *wink wink*”

You decided to end the livestream there because you two were about to do some NSFW things

It all started after you took his glasses off that were covered in soup

V started catching on when he was finding that his video camera always went missing

He had it stored with all his cameras so of course he would know what’s missing

The only other person who knew where he stored his cameras was you so he went to ask you where it was or if you happened to be using it

It didn’t bother him that you just took it, after all he does trust you with all his equipment considering that you also did photography as a hobby and video editing as well

You were up in the attic when he found you doing a mukbang livestream

It’s called an attic but really it’s your own little secluded room that V had remodeled for you

It was a little private space for you to do video editing and pretty much anything

You actually didn’t go up there all that frequently because you enjoy being by V’s side rather than away from him

When V walked in, you were in the middle of eating Korean fried chicken. So of course your mouth was full and you were messy when he saw you

He noticed that you were live streaming as he saw the camera he was looking for and it was hooked up to your computer

“Oh my bad. I didn’t mean to bother you MC!”

Before he could leave, you grabbed him and sat him down next to you in another seat

The comments were flooding and they were asking if this was the guy you always talked about

They asked if he was your boyfriend but all you did was kiss him on the cheek to show your viewers the man you loved

“V, I never told you that I do these kinds of videos sometimes.”

Then you whisper in his ear, “I actually make money doing this”

You just didn’t want to rub it in your viewers faces that you make some decent money from mukbang

You pull away and ask him to get comfortable and interact with the viewers

He talks all about his occupation and he’s so distracted that he didn’t notice you left to get one of his cameras that had recent photos on it.

When you come back, you asked him if you could show them some of his photos

Seriously you wanted to brag all about V now

Of course not to be overbearing or anything.

He let you show them some of the photos after all

After the live stream ended, you checked your bank account once again and finally you reached the number you wanted so you smiled

You pull him out of his seat and downstairs giving him a moment to put on his shoes

“Come on, hurry up! I think the store is gonna close soon!”

V had no idea what you were trying to say but he quickly got ready and went to the car and you drove to this high end photography and camera shop

Once inside, you point at the one camera that’s been on display for so long because it’s legit the best camera in the store

“V, I’ve seen the way you look at this one. I know you want it”

Oh god V was so flattered and insisted that you shouldn’t buy it for him

Ignoring him, you asked the nearest salesperson if you could buy the camera

You had absolutely no regrets even if all your money in your side account was drained

V had absolutely no words

He couldn’t believe what you just bought him but he showered you in so many kisses

You tell him that it’s a belated anniversary present. You were saving up for it

Then he suggested getting some take out food and added

“From now on, can I join you in your mukbangs?”

YES

Saeran:

Explaining what mukbang was turned out to be harder than you thought

Not to say he was dumb or anything of that sort, he just wasn’t up to date with all the trends

Because honestly he couldn’t care less about trends

So you settle on just showing him instead

He helped you make the food but after all that he still decided to only eat an ice cream cone

As you turned on the live stream, he sat in the far back behind you watching.

What was up with this kid???

He legit looked like a ghost in the back of the camera and people in the comments were actually asking if there’s a poltergeist in your house

You take this chance to poke at saeran and when you looked back you said you saw nothing even though saeran was there

Oh it bothered Saeran that you were messing with him like this

Then the chats started blowing up as you ate. The viewer commented with tips on how to get rid of a ghost

You looked back and continued to say

“Guys I don’t see a ghost!”

Finally, Saeran got up and got closer to the camera but you acted like he wasn’t there while everyone was just freaking out that your camera must be supernatural or something

Now that you got his attention, you took Saeran’s ice cream cone and ate it

The poor puppy face he made (>﹏

But you also pouted and that had him melting

“Saeran-ah, you haven’t eating all day! Just eat what I made and I’ll eat your ice cream. Deal!”

So he conceded and pulled up a chair and basically did the mukbang for you

Of course it was super awkward but you helped him out

Before ending the live steam you said

“And that’s how you live with a ghost as a boyfriend! Stick around and maybe in the future you’ll see more of my ghost here!”

With his pretty much blank face he literally just shoved some food in your mouth to get back at you. Of course he wasn’t aggressive when he did it

that had him chuckling deep inside

Then he told you

“I’ll join your Mukbangs. But not as a ghost”

You were surprised that he even said that he would accompany you

You never even mentioned or suggested that to him

But looks like he actually enjoyed it despite looking a little peeved

Then you returned the favor and shoved food into his mouth

“Eat up. Unless you want to actually become a ghost, Saeran”

~Raenai

#mystic messenger #mysme #mystic messenger fluff #mysme fluff #mystic messenger scenario #mysme scenario #mystic messenger headcanon #mysme headcanon

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mahaliciously · 7 years ago

Text

Atlantis

Rejoice children, for I have finally contributed to the Overwatch fandom with something other than memes.

I’m also choosing to contribute under the flag of my favourite pairing, sadly a rare one, but it’s okay because content is made to be created and I just loved every second of writing this thing!!

It unexpectedly turned out much longer than the initial headcanon suggested, but it’s definitely for the best since it constituted a solid character study for me that’ll help me for my future writings :D

SPECIAL KUDOS TO THE ANON WHO ASKED ME AFTER THE ONESHOT HERE IT IS AND TO THE LOVELY @xallyxcatxs, @tart276 and @gngu FOR THEIR NEVERENDING SUPPORT AND KETTLE NOISES LMAO

burn in cybun hell

And of course, special thanks to @b3tar3ad3r for the beta :D I recommend going to them in case you need help!

IF YOU LIKED THE ONESHOT, DON’T FORGET TO SUPPORT IT BY REBLOGGING IT OR BY CHECKING MY AO3, IT’S UP THERE AS WELL! O/

archiveofourown: click here!

Word count : 8915

She wouldn’t have been able to tell when her heart had started to ache at the thought of him, or when she’d started to miss her shots when she’d hear him laugh through the voice chat. Wouldn’t have been able to pinpoint the exact moment the stories he told her about his love conquests had started to sting, or when she’d stopped making fun of the girls he’d had wrapped around his fingers like rings.

‘yo d.va when u gonna invite genji and lucio again on one of ur streams??’

Hana Song briefly glanced at the Twitch chat before taking down an enemy to her left, swallowing a curse.

‘so trueeee,’ another message chanted. ‘genji was so cute i love his voice’

‘how about lucio? dat dude is a human puppy lmao’

‘rofl’

The chat box was hectic, messages piling up at an incredible speed, english and korean weaving all over the screen. It didn’t bother Hana who was used to the fraction of a second she had to keep up with the fleeting topics and requests. Her bubble gum popped as she eliminated another enemy with a headshot and she readjusted her camera.

“Aww look at this,” she chimed teasingly. “I used to like Lucio and Genji but it does seem like they’re causing my own fanbase to neglect me now.”

The chat exploded with new messages and she smiled for the camera. Inside, she was pretty much crumbling.

She had organised that last-minute stream in hopes to keep her mind off her budding crush and the existential crisis that had come along with it. Instead, her fans had been spamming her for more content with her friends, and by extension, with the one person she was trying to distract herself from.

She almost felt like sighing, though she knew the camera and the attentive eyes that were watching her wouldn’t miss it. She glanced again at the chat box.

‘just genji x d.va gameplay tbh he’s got some dope skills i want to see competition between them’

Her heart jolted in her chest and she missed. The split second was enough to take her down. The camera switched to the kill cam, a flashy crimson message announcing her death as she popped another gum bubble. She almost winced at the ridiculous come and go her character had made that caused its death killed. She’d hesitated.

It was over for her and she didn’t feel like spectating the rest of the game, so she reported her full attention to the chat. What was this ridiculous suggestion to stay in a room alone with Genji Shimada and play videogames until she died of a heart attack?

Impossible.

But it annoyed her more than it embarrassed her. Or maybe a bit of both.

Because she could have organised that a few weeks ago. She could have invited him over platonically, wrecked his ass and watched her entire fanbase cheer for her. Just like she would have invited Lucio today.

But now she couldn’t.

She wouldn’t have been able to tell when her behaviour had changed, but she could guess the trigger. Maybe that one drunk night they’d spent playing a certain dumb fps game was at cause. Maybe finding her intoxicated self on top of him was the reason she couldn’t stare at him anymore without thinking “I want to spend more time this close to him” and “He’s actually pretty cute”. Maybe that was karma getting back at her for all the girls she’d made fun of.

“Alright,” she announced to the camera, waving. “Sounds like that’s gonna be all for today! Stay cool buns, until next time... Love, D.va!”

She grinned, smile as practiced as it could be, fingers into her signature V right before she turned off her camera with her other hand. She only breathed then.

There was no way in hell she could allow herself to fall for the 24-year-old ninja.

Genji Shimada, playboy extraordinaire, was not the kind of guy she’d let herself be involved with romantically. He was one of her closest friends, too precious to lose over a crush, and her ego would never let her drop to the level of the many girls who pooled at his feet. They had a precise friendship that revolved around platonic, shameless flirting and the certainty that she was the girl he’d never have, he the guy who’d never pursue her. It was but a constant verbal sparring that rhythmed their every interaction. Sass against sass. The very origin of their friendship. Their daily dose of challenge.

Truth be told, he was a lot of great things. He was handsome, even with that ridiculous dyed hair of his, funny, a bit of an asshole but caring still, and he was amazing to hang out with. Along with Lucio, they consisted of a great trio.

Genji was the kind arrogant, Lucio the resident puppy, always happy and idealistic, supporting but probably with one of the greatest senses of humour she’d seen in years, and she was the diva, the princess. All three of them were pretty much a walking disaster. Their brains together only amounted to ridiculous ideas like using Lucio’s speed boost to race on a frozen lake and crash into the snow at the speed of fast, or making fidget spinners out of Genji’s shuriken. They’d gotten a bunch of bruises, but a lot of outweighing laughs and she cherished those two idiots more than she’d care to admit.

Becoming close friends with Genji irremediably led to discover that beyond the playboy reputation and the biting sarcasm, he was a loyal friend. He was boastful, barely ever serious. He was terribly friendly, making everyone at ease in matters of seconds, breaking down fights with a couple of jokes any chance he got. She suspected that was a safe reason that led the girls to run to him in bunches. He was quite like the sun. Summer-like. That, and there was his catastrophic flirting.

He was smooth, she’d concede. But ask her secondhand observer side and she could think of a bunch of hilarious pearls she’d teased him with over the years.

But he wasn’t a sun. Or maybe his rays shone so bright they blinded people and kept them from seeing the deep cracks he bore. Just like any human being. She knew that sometimes he liked to sit on his own because being so social exhausted him, she knew that his gaze got lost more often than he’d like to admit, lost in a whirlwind of doubts he bragged about not having. Like if he’d hurt someone with his raw, spontaneous humour, or if he could have done things better.

She knew he dreamed of travels and adventures, knew that he scolded himself for knowing his flaws but never fixing them. He was a child guilty of acting like a child.

And though she didn’t have the same issues as him, she understood them.

But what had definitely moved her was the intensity of his gaze on that night. There had only been the flashing lights of her screens, sculpting his features, maybe dotting his black eyes as he looked up at her. His cheeks had been almost as red as hers from the alcohol, indicative of the obvious drunkenness of her friend. But it shouldn’t have been weird seeing how they’d played drunk a bunch of times before. Definitely shouldn’t have. She’d been laughing, they may have been playing that game where he holds her wrists and she has to push him back because she was a very strong lady. And she’d been. He had still been holding her wrists in his hands, her own chestnut hair framing his face as she looked down at him. His gaze hadn’t been really focused, hazed by the liquor’s effect, but it had never left hers until he’d pulled her to him and his arms had slithered around her petite figure, wrapping themselves around her. It had taken her a moment to realise he was hugging her.

She’d felt his chest against her face, rising and dropping steadily, smelled his woody perfume mixed with sweat and booze and it should have felt familiar. There had been something in the beating of his heart against her ear though, and she’d loved the warmth of his arms, the little drum of his fingers against the small of her back before he’d said:

“I love you.”

Hana groaned at the memory, shaking her head to snap herself back to reality. It hadn’t meant anything. It had been a platonic confession. The kind they threw at each other to joke around, or to really appreciate each other as friends. Because love was way more than the eros and the grand amour. It was something she firmly believed should be told more without any over calculation.

But in the dim light of her room that night, tangled in a messy hug with her friend, lulled by his breathing and the buzz of her console, her heart had fluttered before she’d fallen asleep, and it had been her biggest mistake.

Her thoughts were interrupted by the 8-bit ringtone of her phone and a familiar contact picture lighting up the rectangular screen of the device.

“Hey there, frogman,” she picked up, trying to sound as enthusiastic as humanly possible.

She could feel Lucio roll his eyes before he even spoke. “It’s Mr. Frogman thank you very much.”

“Sure, frogman,” she replied, teasing. “What’s up?”

“Eh well, the usual,” the musician chuckled. “Just wondering if you have any time to kill with Genj and I?”

Once again, she hesitated. It wasn’t like her, but the bubble of unease that was growing in her chest was distracting her coherent thoughts. She opened her mouth, hoping that it would help her brain form a faster sentence, but she couldn’t decide whether to say yes or no. She knew that Lucio wouldn’t press if she refused, and she was afraid to be disappointed at the beep of her phone when he’d hang up.

She bit her lip. “I don’t really know… I could but probably not for long.”

“Feeling sick?”

“Not really, just meh,” she said with a humourless puff, chewing on her gum.

“Huh,” Lucio acquiesced. “Well we’ll get you better. Healing beats by yours truly and all.”

She really laughed this time. A small, but genuine laugh that cheered her up instantly.

“Okay fine, I’ll see you in 20.”

Swiftly, she jumped into her trainers and grabbed her headphones. That along with her phone and portable console were all she needed in her sweatshirt’s pockets to exit the flat and head towards their usual spot, the arcade square.

The weather was fairly nice for an autumn day. She’d grown used to the occasional chill and the complete closet confusion in the morning. She still loved the salted remnants of summer that floated in the air but preferred the calm and peace of office days. The streets were mostly empty, shops deserted from the jam of customers that came in the evenings and weekends, an occasional laughter from one of the nearby cafés would break the tranquility of the walk. As Hana approached the arcade, the city sounds shifted and fluctuated, roadworks and klaxons replacing the flutter of the trees and the exclamations of children in their courtyard, gasoline perfumes weaving with that of coffee and urine. The sun reflected on the glass windows of skyscrapers and towers, its rays slithering their way through the buildings to lit up the cold, shadowed avenues below as she hurried down the underground entrance. A puff of heat welcomed her when she walked down the stairs, the smell of rubber and iron filling her nostrils, chatter and screeching trains swallowing the noises of the city as she aptly made her way through the wide, tunnel-like corridors of the station. It was a common thing to use the tangle of underground networks to avoid the stoplights and the many avenue crossings, and to Hana, it was more convenient as every single crossroads below had far more indications than the streets and the boulevards above.

She let out a sigh when she finally exited the underground to find the flashy neons of the arcade facing her. Lucky for her, her usual spot with her friends was right outside the station, a little square lost between towering buildings that seemed to have forgotten its existence. As such, there was one old tree in the middle, a couple of broken benches, a café and the arcade. The location was meant to be in a fancy business neighbourhood, but the spot had become so hidden by the city’s continuous metamorphosis that it was mostly frequented by students and a few hippy omnics.

She spotted her friend’s ponytail on the first glance.

“Yo Lucio!” she called, grinning.

“Hana,” the young man exclaimed with a soft smile, pushing off his headphones as he stood up to greet her. “You ready?”

“To beat highscores? Always,” she said before looking around. “Where’s Genji?”

She nervously avoided eye contact as she asked the question, which was in itself a very bad idea since the whole point was for him not to suspect a thing. She scratched her arm and forced herself to look back at her friend, adding a smile for good measure. Lucio didn’t answer immediately. Instead, he frowned and focused his entire attention on her. In that instant, she could feel her own heart stumbling like a cartoon character, panic clutching it under the observing eyes of the musician. She caught her breath, widened her smile in hopes to get him off her back. Finally, he shrugged.

“Saw that college freshman from the other day and followed her inside.”

Ouch.

“Of course,” she said with a nervous laugh. “Typical Genji.”

“Right,” Lucio answered, raising a dubious eyebrow.

Sensing the danger, Hana grabbed him by the hand and pulled him after her and into the arcade. The air was cooler inside, due to the many air vents that peppered the walls. It was dimmer there, blues and pinks lighting the huge room and the machines, green strobes running around the walls and the floor. She glanced around and spotted Genji at a shooting machine, not so far from the entrance. There was a girl with him, more specifically in his arms as he seemingly showed her how to use the plastic gun to shoot the enemies.

From where she stood, Hana couldn’t hear much of their conversation, but she could see the way the girl’s shoulders shook in hilarity, the closeness of their two bodies, the way his thumb gently stroke the back of her hand. His mouth was on her neck, hovering, teasing until he pressed a quick kiss under her jaw. When she blushed, he flashed a satisfied smile, borderline smirk that Hana knew by heart. The girl smiled to herself, elated, and moved a bit closer to him. Too busy to flirt, she missed the shot and looked taken aback by the game over screen, causing Genji to chuckle in her neck and nuzzle her.

It was a sight Hana was used to. She’d seen him coax a thousand of girls before, walked on him making out with a thousand more and teased another thousand if they came asking after Genji. She found it funny, entertaining, didn’t mind the PDA. It had become the usual and he barely even flinched whenever she or Lucio would stumble upon him with a girl, almost said hi and asked about their day.

Well, they had limits. Wouldn’t barge in during more private activities.

It was therefore a sight she was used to. But now she was envious. Envious of the way the girl’s hair curled around his shoulder, her hand under his, the giggles that escaped her tangerine lips. She wanted his arm around her waist too, and his hair tickling her temples and his soft chuckle in her ear. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to be one of those stupid girls she laughed at.

Her chest swelled with an all too painful sadness. Envy was a terrible emotion. It didn’t come with jealousy or directed anger, it just nibbled at her, brought doubts and fears and swallowed her whole as she sat alone in her room.

Envy was the very reason she was so upset with herself. For allowing herself to stoop so low, for wishing something she mocked so much. She shouldn’t be crushing on Genji. She shouldn’t wish to be a weak girl, a toy. He would probably be too afraid to ruin their friendship, so she couldn’t even stand where that girl did. He would try to reject her as gently as possible, probably feel bad, she would smile. She would understand that he valued her too much to play with her, that she deserved a real relationship, a caring boyfriend.

And yet… She ached for his touch, and it killed her inside.

She felt something around her hand snap her back to reality, and she glanced down to see that Lucio was tightening his grip. She noticed he was responding to her own steel-tight grasp and that she’d been crushing his hand for the past couple of minutes. She abruptly let go and wondered in panic if she’d outed herself to her friend.

“Wow they’ve brought a new machine!” she announced excitedly to hide her embarrassment, cheeks burning. “Sounds like a new highscore for me to set!”

In an attempt to convince him of her genuineness, she turned around and accompanied her exclamation with a little V sign and a wink:

“MVP D.va ready to rekt.”

“Get good D.va, I already set the highscore to beat.”

She jumped when she felt an arm around her shoulders. Only the familiar woody scent and silvery voice allowed her to put a name on their owner. That, and the more unsafe skip of her heart. She took a short breath.

“Do you hear something, Lucio?” she asked, looking away to dissimulate her sudden difficulty to breathe. “It sounds pretty distant, can’t understand a word. Could it be… A scrub?”

“Wow,” Genji gasped. “How could you call me a scrub? After everything we’ve been through.”

“I have sudden amnesia.”

“You mean you forgot our bonding episode over the delicacies of ramen?”

“Completely.”

Genji gasped again. Louder. More dramatically. The sight was funny, quite Genji-like, and just as expected, his honeyed chuckle followed the antic. Hana felt a little flick on her cheek and almost jumped when she felt his breath tickle her ear:

“You look out of it, could it be you’re jealous?”

She almost choked on her saliva as alarms started blaring in her head.

“Please do enlighten me,” she scoffed, not quite looking at him yet. “I can’t seem to catch what I’m apparently jealous of.”

She knew he was smirking as he leaned closer to her ear, murmuring:

“I saw you looking at us moments ago.”

“Saw me? You mean you look at other girls while flirting with one?” she tried, firming her trembling voice with a huff. “Aren’t you the one trying too hard to make me jealous?”

He laughed and she finally felt his weight on her lessen.

“Can’t blame a man for trying,” Genji conceded, shoving his hands in his pockets as he briefly greeted Lucio with a grin.

“Man you guys should totally sort out this tension you two have going on,” Lucio declared, crossing his arms with a little disappointed shake of the head. “The air is getting hard to breathe lately.”

He chuckled.

“Nah,” the ninja replied. “Might miss our back and forths. Genji and D.va, D.va and Genji, how could I ruin our mythical duo? We’re tension builders.”

“He can’t stand ramyun,” Hana commented. “I’m not going out with a wimp who can’t stand spicy food.”

Genji clutched his chest. “Shots have been fired. Lucio, I need healing.”

Their banter was interrupted by an excited squeal from behind Hana. Turning around, she saw the college girl excitedly skip in front of the arcade machine.

“Genji, look!” she exclaimed. “I did it! I killed the boss!”

“See,” Genji cheered, walking back to his companion. “Told you I had a radar for talented girls.”

The girl blushed lightly, flattered by the compliment. Hana watched her look up at him when he reached her, and she could’ve sworn the girl was dying to kiss him. The sight was painfully evident, and though she knew Genji would undoubtedly play with her for a few days before granting her wish, Hana felt repulsed by her obviousness. How much respect was there in not being hard to get?

She rolled her eyes and sighed, meeting Lucio’s gaze as she turned back.

“You totally like him,” he said, taunting her with the biggest shit eating grin.

“I totally don’t,” she protested.

“Oh come on,” he pressed, wrapping an affectionate arm around her shoulders. “You know you can tell Papa Lucio anything. Especially things he’s already figured out.”

“I don’t see what you’re talking about.”

“You totally do.”

“No, I don’t.”

“It’s okay, no need to beg me, fofinho. I’ll wingman you.”

“I can’t believe you’re doing this to me.”

Lucio looked at her for a full second, studying her silently. “I’ll read that as a yes.”

“It’s not!”

D.va pulled her hood over her head, tugging at the fabric to cover half her face as she groaned. What was her life?

“We’re just friends and that’s how it should stay,” she declared, revealing her eyes from under the hood. “That’s just how we roll. You know it.”

A giggle erupted from where the lovey-dovey couple was standing and D.va couldn’t suppress a wince.

“I’m just a bit touchy lately,” she concluded.

Lucio watched her without a word. His gaze had softened, stance more relaxed as he closed the gap between them. He put his hands on her cheeks and squeezed them, giving her a funny fish face as he did so.

“You know,” he said with a smile. “Reality is the mirror of our very own consciousness. What we notice. Change, on the other hand, is what we realise. And maybe it’s our inability to fathom the entire picture that deceives us into thinking that everything is only what we’ve been, up until now, conscious of.”

She pouted, shoving her hands in her sweatshirt pockets, but didn’t answer.

“In other words… You gotta let the beat drop when it has to drop,” he added, laughing. “That’s always the best part of the song.”

This time, she couldn’t help the little smile that tugged at her lips. “That’s pretty deep, Mr. Frogman.”

“Of course it’d be,” he chuckled. “Wouldn’t be selling albums if it weren’t.”

“Still waiting for that autograph, by the way.”

“Still waiting for yours.”

She laughed. There was a part of truth in Lucio’s words, probably when it came to how focused she was on her own interpretation. But it was only in part, and she’d been brooding on her situation long enough to be overwhelmed by fears and doubts. She wasn’t convinced. The change had been too sudden, and it had probably affected her only.

Genji couldn’t be crushing back on her.

Her mulling was interrupted when Genji walked back to them.

“Hana, Lucio, let me introduce you to Aya,” the sparrow’s familiar, cheerful voice chirped. “I asked if she’d like to join us for the day, if you don’t mind of course. Lucky for me, she said yes.”

Oh how Hana knew where Genji was getting to. Knew that he hadn’t mentioned any friends whatsoever. Knew that he was toying with the poor Aya, and her expression as she realised it wasn’t a date was priceless. The little twitch of her smile as she tried to keep a polite face, tried to hide her disappointment. Her gaze lasted a bit longer on D.va, probably measuring how much of a competition she represented. It was petty, but necessary, and Hana was more than used to the calculating gazes of Genji’s conquests. Sometimes, she’d pretend her and Lucio were a thing to get them off her back, or on the contrary, taunt them shamelessly by flirting openly with Genji. The urge for the latter was the strongest in that instant, despite Hana’s emotional confusion. She was a gamer, a challenger, and her passion for games was the hardest to fight.

Pulling out her tongue, she V signed over her eye and stared directly at Aya, taunting.

“As for this beautiful lady,” Genji continued, battling to keep a straight face at Hana’s antic as he pulled Aya closer. “She’s a foreign student going for a history degree, and very probably my heart. I guess you can just call her Mrs. Shimada already.”

Hana rolled her eyes. “Here I thought that title was reserved for me.”

“Should’ve stated your claim on my heart before, darling,” he replied with a smirk. “You took your time and got caught off guard.”

“I don’t need flirting lessons from you, honey,” she scoffed.

“Graciously offering my help only to be brushed off like a mere peasant, do you see that Aya dear?”

The young woman made a tight smile, as though she didn’t feel comfortable with the faked tension. Still, Genji was surefooted and Hana watched him lean in to murmur something in Aya’s ear. It seemed to lighten the mood from the way her features relaxed and she wrapped herself around his arm.

Hana knew that Genji would never badmouth her, that she was sure of. But the intimacy stung, and it took her inhuman efforts to keep a smile plastered all over her face as she watched the two together.

“So how about that new arcade game?” Lucio asked in an attempt to break the tension. “Maybe we should grab something to eat first?”

“Totally,” Genji acknowledged with a strong nod. “I’m starving.”

The DJ gallantly offered his arm to D.va as they walked towards the food court. Gladly, she took it and instinctively moved away from the couple, rather focusing on the arcade machines and the various players. There were younger gamers, boys hanging out together to beat each other’s scores, girls gathering around dance machines or air-hockey tables. Many couples were meeting up at the arcade too, as it called for proximity and adrenaline. Their own voices gradually died in the mayhem of bgm and sound effects as they got closer to the snack bar. There were a few free tables, wobbly, missing a few chairs, but the group settled at one regardless.

It was Lucio and Genji who offered to get the orders, and soon Hana was left alone with the college girl. Though it should’ve been uncomfortable, both girls barely gauged each other, one checking her phone, the other pulling out her portable console to resume her platform game.

Despite the buzz around them, the silence that weighed on them was particular. None could tell if it was rivalry or just plain disinterest that filled the air between them. Not even them. It was just there. An unqualifiable silence.

“Do you think I should pursue this with Genji?” Aya asked finally. She’d said that without looking up from her phone, nails swiftly tapping the tactile screen as she typed.

Hana played with the stylus caught between her teeth, eyes glued on the jumping character of her game. She felt her heart skip a beat at Aya’s question, making her wary of herself.

“What do you mean?” she asked nonchalantly.

“Well,” the college girl elaborated. “You two seem pretty close. I’m not looking for anything serious, but I also don’t want to get caught into any drama between you guys. I have better things to do than play third wheel. So I’m asking for your opinion, because I don’t want to be a thorn in your side.”

Hana blinked.

No, she was supposed to say. Genji is a famous playboy, so it’s kind of our game to flirt back and forth. It’s got nothing to do with any feelings between us! I’m not crushing on him or anything like that. I’m just teasing you. Just enjoy your time with him. If it’s not you, it’ll be another girl.

It sounded more like an inner ramble than a potentially coherent answer. There was no way D.va could say that out loud without sounding like she was desperately looking for an excuse. It looked meek even to her.

Focusing back on her game, she didn’t answer immediately, rather clearing the level until she spoke again.

“There’s no way you could be a thorn in my side since there’s nothing going on between Genji and I.”

“Is it?”

“I don’t see why there should be.”

“Maybe there is,” Aya retorted, flashing a glance towards Hana. “At least from the way I see it.”

The gamer girl pressed the last jump button before the checkpoint and let her character fall into the river. Only then did she look up at the other girl and smirked.

“Are you shipping us, by any chance? Because we do have this one fanclub…”

Aya rolled her eyes with a little laugh. “That’s ridiculous. But it is true that you’d make a nice couple. Maybe Genji’s right. You’re the problem.”

Hana raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not my role to nudge,” the girl answered with a contrite shrug, smiling.

The girl’s smile seemed genuine, which felt weird considering all the mean glances D.va had grown used to over the years. It made it difficult to be upset at this strange girl, and Hana didn’t like one bit of it. It put her off guard, brought down her sarcasm defenses and made them inadequate.

She was confused. She didn’t know what any of Lucio or Aya’s words truly meant. It felt as though they knew so much more than they wanted to let on, and it drove her crazy. They were evasive, puzzling, and she couldn’t figure out a reasonable reason to justify it. A reason her defenses would appreciate. She liked clear objectives, clear instructions.

Not half sentences she couldn’t allow herself to interpret.

She couldn’t afford a game over.

“You shouldn’t bother yourself with interpretations,” she said, though her voice sounded smaller than she would’ve liked as she looked back at her console. “If you’re not looking for anything serious, Genji is the right pick. You’ll both enjoy it.”

Aya couldn’t answer as the boys came back, putting down their trays as they resumed their festive conversation, roaring with laughter. Under normal circumstances, Hana would have joined, bullying them to get them to share the topic. Obviously, they’d tease her, Lucio would pull his signature “Why are you so angry” line as she’d feign being mad. It would probably end with her challenging them to the arcade games in exchange for their apologies, with Lucio breaking the highscore of the dance machine, and Genji fighting body and soul to beat D.va’s shooting game score.

But this time, she was silent, focused on her own little game, barely caring about the surrounding noise. She had too much to sort out and only the repetitive jumps of the character emptied her mind from the anarchy of her thoughts.

She felt upset and confused, and not where she needed to be in that instant.

For the first time in ages, D.va, the outgoing cheeky world renowned gamer, ached for silence and solitude.

“Oh no, my smoothie is already empty.”

“Thirsty much, babe?” asked a playful Genji.

“Very funny,” Aya answered, probably rolling her eyes in amusement.

“Well I do hear that pretty often so… I think I can safely highlight that as one of my many qualities.”

Aya laughed and Hana almost cringed when she felt Genji’s leg under the table as he moved closer to the college girl.

“I’ll go get you a drink,” he announced finally, voice dripping with cajolery.

He stood up, his chair creaking as he pushed it back but was interrupted by Aya’s sudden exclamation.

“Hold on,” she said. “I’ll just come with you.”

And she did, couple walking away, arm in arm as they murmured things in each other’s ears. It was in that instant that Hana made the mistake to look up and meet Genji’s gaze, looking back at her even as he had another girl with him, even as he walked in the opposite way and had no reason to be glancing in her direction.

It had been fast, lightning fast but it had been enough to tighten the knot in Hana’s chest. The knot she’d been carrying ever since Lucio had implied that there could be more than friendship towards her from Genji’s part. The knot that had grown unbearable as Aya implied that she was a problem, that she was a coward. Because none of them knew how much she valued Genji, and how devastated she would be if she were to lose it all.

She felt dizzy, nauseous almost, the sounds around her merging into the most disastrous of cacophonies. She needed to leave.

“Lucio, I think I’m gonna go,” she managed to say as she stood up.

“Are you sure? We haven’t even played yet,” her friend replied, worry starting to paint itself on his face.

“Yeah, I just don’t really feel like it today.”

She smiled at him, shrugging. She was becoming a great actress, even though she knew Lucio was smarter than that. It also meant he wouldn’t press because he knew.

“Okay,” he said. “Just stay safe, okay?”

“I promise, I’m a big girl.”

She hugged him before leaving. A tight hug, the kind that didn’t really need any words, any language. The kind to which he responded with the same strength, if not more. It was comfortable, comforting, familiar. She needed the warmth and the understanding of her best friend, the calm drum of his heart to soothe her and the rugged texture of his dreadlocks tickling familiarly her cheek.

“Don’t worry too much about this, Bunny Hop,” he murmured in her ear as she pressed her face in his shoulder. “Everything comes in its own time.”

She didn’t answer, nor nod. She simply stood up, smile not leaving her face until she turned around and left, not even as she V signed to Lucio to signal that everything was okay.

Nothing was okay.

The walk to the underground station felt surreal, but the cool air of the evening soothed her nerves and made her sight less blurry, though her heart showed no sign of calming down. She took a deep breath as she entered the station, hurriedly walking down the stairs as she pulled out her underground card from her phone case. She’d decided that a packed train would be better than walking through the wide avenues of the city and risking to get run over by a car. She would squeeze in there and give free reins to her thoughts as the stations passed one after the other, people came and went, tunnels started and ended.

The train arrived shortly after she sat down and she scurried inside, apologising as she tightly tucked herself away between two passengers, the lack of space making it useless to cling to any hanging strap. She sighed deeply, pulling her headphones over her ears, scrolling down her music player as she waited for the door to shut down.

She hadn’t found a proper song when someone slipped inside the metro right before the doors closed, disturbing the careful arrangement of the packed vehicle as he made his way to a specific area of the train. She hadn’t planned to look up and glare at the newcomer for lack of interest, but her eyes definitely widened when she recognised his voice.

“Hana.”

It took her approximatively all her self control not to look up at him. Especially when she recognised the orange hoodie and the woody perfume that stood out despite the mixed scents of sweat and dust, she recognised the concerned tone in his voice and she wanted to be far away from there.

She hoped he would think she was listening to music and didn’t hear him. Hoped he would give up.

But the latter was far-stretched.

“Hana, I know you can hear me,” he said, reaching for her phone where no song was being displayed.

Without thinking, she pulled away before he could touch the device, shoving it in her pockets as she lowered her head further.

Fuck, she thought.

This was going horribly.

The train stopped at the next station, the pre-recorded voice repeating emotionlessly the name of the stop as the machine halted abruptly. The jerk sent D.va forward and into Genji. Instinctively, he wrapped his arm around her waist, protecting her from the wave of passengers who hurriedly left the train by fear of colliding with the hasty crowd who tried to get in, and Hana felt almost deaf from the erratic scramble of her heart in her ears.

“Look at me, Hana,” Genji asked again. His voice seemed firm, but in the jolt of the train starting, she could have sworn she heard a slight shake at the end. Whether it had been caused by the movement of the vehicle or something completely different, it would’ve been hard for her to tell, even less bring herself to ask. But when she didn’t answer, she heard him again:

“Please.”

It was way more than she could take. And for that exact reason, she was all the more terrified to look into his eyes.

“I did something wrong, right?”

She glanced at him at that exact second, shaken by the train’s inconsistent trajectory and the unbalanced passengers who bumped into her. Those should’ve mattered, even more so than the chest of the boy in front of her, even more so than the gleam in his eyes as he looked at her. That gaze shouldn’t be tugging at her heartstrings the way it did. That look of pure worry shouldn’t be this intense and genuine.

“No, you didn’t,” she breathed out, throat clogged.

He sighed. “Then why do you look so sad whenever you look at me?”

“I’m not sad,” she mumbled, looking away.

The train stopped again. It was Genji who bumped into her this time, pushed by the incoming passengers until D.va felt the metal of the pole grip against her back. The heat was more intense in this part of the train, probably due to the fact they were far from the doors now and people were the most concentrated where they stood. She almost lost her balance in the tangle of legs below, but held onto the pole to keep herself standing as the train started again. She vaguely wondered how many stops there would be until she’d be able to leave.

When Genji spoke again, she realised he was too crushed against her to be able to look at her, his breath tickling her ear as he seemed to think of an answer, almost stumble as he searched for proper words. She was about to break the silence, narrowly missing the murmur that eventually escaped his lips. The sound was drowned in the screech of the railways, in the cough of a nearby commuter and the whine of a little child in the distance. She hadn’t been supposed to hear him, but she had. It had been crystal clear.

“Why do you make this so hard for me?”

Maybe Genji’s right. You’re the problem.

“Do I?” she asked, tightening her grip around the pole.

He inhaled, taking in the sweet perfume of her hair as a self-deprecating chuckle escaped his lips.

“Yeah,” he said. “You do.”

“Then why not cut me off, if I’m so problematic?”

The train quivered again as it stopped at another station. She quickly glanced over his shoulder to see that she would be able to get off in two more. She tightened her grip around the pole and Genji took advantage of the new wave of passengers to put enough space between them and look at her. She didn’t meet his gaze.

“What are you talking about?”

“I don’t know,” she admitted, increasingly fed up. “I just don’t know anything anymore. I’ve been struggling for weeks, trying to make sense of emotions that everyone around me seems to understand better than I do. No one wants to explain anything to me and it makes me feel like I’m being toyed with.”

He tilted his head, puzzled. “What emotions?”

She gestured frantically towards the both of them, using the little space she had and sighing all the while in frustration. She shouldn’t be getting this upset. “This… You, me, us.”

“Us?”

“And I just can’t sort anything out. All my attempts at fixing myself fall apart and I don’t know-”

“No, what about us?”

She looked at him then. He had tensed all of a sudden, his gaze intense, maybe expectant. It felt almost like he was hoping for something, hoping for a specific answer but she bit her lip, reluctant to deceive herself with unfounded interpretations.

“There is no us,” she asserted. “At least beyond our friendship.”

Hana would have been unable to describe the exact emotion that flashed in Genji’s eyes in that instant. Spontaneity would have wanted it to be disappointment, hurt, maybe sadness somewhere? Reason, however, couldn’t find any valid argument and she decided to overlook whatever misunderstanding there could be, preferring to blame her own treacherous mind rather than fool herself.

“Right,” he smiled, clearing his throat. “We’re just friends, of course! Wouldn’t want to retire from my playboy days so soon, eh.”

She raised an eyebrow, genuinely startled.

His eyes widened slightly before he looked away, the train’s motion briefly making him lose balance.

“I mean,” he spouted. “Should there be an us… I believe you’d deserve to be more than just another girl.”

If her heart hadn’t been loud enough before, Hana could have sworn she’d heard a gear or two pop out of their place as she struggled to keep herself from paling. No, her reaction was being ridiculous. He was doing exactly what she’d predicted he’d do if she ever confessed.

Remind her that she deserved more than a playboy, and that she didn’t belong with him. That he was nowhere near retirement and that he wouldn’t like her to waste her time on him.

The simple thought was enough to bum her a bit. It was something to anticipate a thing, another to take the impact. And she didn’t think she’d been ready for her pessimistic scenarios to turn out to be correct.

“Which further strengthens the idea that we’re not suited for each other as anything other than friends!” she announced with forced positivity.

She didn’t expect that Genji wouldn’t answer immediately, rather finding a sudden interest in the surrounding passengers he decided to contemplate. He looked back at her after what felt like ages and put on the widest grin he could.

“Definitely, you couldn’t have said it better,” he acknowledged, tensing a bit when the jolt of the train pushed him back into D.va. They were once again crushed against each other, but for the first time since they’d gotten into the train, Hana noticed the way her arms had instinctively wrapped themselves around his waist. She let go.

“So, how does this ‘us’ thing link to people knowing your ‘emotions’ more than you do and toying with you?” he asked after managing to position himself at a respectable distance.

“Oh well uh,” she stammered. “It’s just…”

Her voice trailed off for a lack of explanations. She nervously looked around.

“You know what? I have to go,” she mumbled as the train stopped again. It wasn’t her stop yet, but she needed to leave this place as soon as possible.

Hurriedly, she slipped under Genji’s arm and sneaked her way through the passengers, aiming for the door as the recorded voice repeated relentlessly the station name. It was more difficult than she’d assumed, the compressed bodies barely giving any space for her to leave, each passenger fighting to get in and off the train as quickly as possible.

She felt his hand on her wrist halfway through her escape.

“Hana.”

She tried to free herself from his grip, as the beep signaling that the doors would close soon resonated in the vehicle. But it was in vain.

She didn’t want that frustration building in her chest, or the growing panic that was blurring her sight. She wanted to leave and never have to confront Genji. This was a mess and she hated every second of it.

“Let me go,” she whined almost, still pulling her arm.

“Not until you’re okay!” Genji retorted and she knew he was shaking his head vehemently as he said so.

“Why would you even care?”

“Have I ever not cared?”

She bit her lip, unable to turn around and face him. She hated how right he was.

“Why shouldn’t I care, Hana? Give me one reason and I’ll do it. Right away. I’ll stop caring. Because I care way more than friends should and the fact that… No matter what I do, no matter what I try, I can’t get you out of my head… It’s driving me crazy.”

There was something in the way his voice cracked that made her turn around even as the train rattled again and weakened her balance. Grabbing the pole by the door, she looked at him and the hurt and regret caught in his eyes. There was that and it was although there was so much more than just his voice that had cracked, making her wonder why it was that his sentence just didn’t sound the way it should’ve. Wonder why it was that it made her heart skip a beat.

Maybe it’s our inability to fathom the entire picture that deceives us into thinking that everything is only what we’ve been, up until now, conscious of.

He briefly looked away, breathing out in irritation, fingers still around her wrist. Eventually, he closed the gap between them, pressing her against the plastic of the wall as he prudently cupped her face in his hands.

“Do you know how hard it is for me not to kiss you whenever I see you?” His voice was barely a murmur, lost between a sigh and a whisper. “Do you just have any idea of how hard it is for me not to kiss you right now and you’re asking why I would care?”

Her own consciousness seemed to slip away as she took in his words. She felt numb, but somehow still stood on her feet, as though her body had gone on auto-pilot while her own brain tripped. The sounds around her hadn’t vanished, contrary to what books and movies tended to suggest, nor had the heady smell of the underground or the flickering light of the wagon. But she was painfully aware of Genji’s presence and the weight of his gaze on her, dark and pained, albeit with a flicker of hope and nervousness.

She took a ragged breath, trying to make sense of the fluttering thoughts that invaded her mind. She had to say something, anything, but no words came to her as she only stared at the boy in front of her, his hands burning against her cheeks.

“You’re-” He looked away from her gaze, eyes running over her cheeks, her lips, her chin, as though they held the words he was so desperate to find. “You make it so hard for me to keep it to myself. I’m not brave. I’m not brave enough to risk losing you. I can stay your friend and banter with you back and forth if it means you’ll still call me to hang out. I don’t mind. But it’s so hard. And then you just- you start waving these signs that maybe you like me back, that maybe it’s not so wrong from me to be so wrapped. And I can’t trust myself, but I do, only for you to tell me there is no us and leave again.” He peered at her again and the grunt of the machine below their feet got louder. “Why?”

“I’m scared,” she finally whispered.

“What?”

“I’m scared of losing you.” She drummed nervously her fingers on the pole at her left, head throbbing, heart quaking. “I’m scared of the way my heart has started to run wild when you’re around, of the way I ache for your touch and the confusion and the feelings that build up in my throat whenever someone mentions your name. I’m scared of these feelings, because I don’t know how strong they are and if they’re worth me ruining our friendship over a no-tomorrow adventure. I hate myself for envying all these girls that strut about and end up in your bed, for wishing for what I abhor and what I mock. I don’t want to be them, and yet… It hurts so much not to know what to do.”

“Hana…”

His arms were around her before she could even comprehend what was happening, her face pressing tightly against his chest and the zipper of his hoodie. She felt his hands on her hair and his chin on her head, fingers soothingly playing with her brown locks. She could sense his heart pound against her face, hasty, and for the first time, she allowed herself to hug him back, her hands clinging to his vest like a lifeline as she inhaled his familiar scent.

“I’m sorry,” she mumbled in his chest. “I’m being really lame and cheesy right now.”

“It’s okay.” His shoulders shook with the little chortle that escaped his lips and he pulled her closer. She heard his voice through his ribcage, as though there was only him to be heard in the train. “I don’t care. I love you.”

Again, her heart skipped a beat. Just like it had so many weeks ago, as he held her in his arms in a similar way. This time she smelled no booze and no sweat, only the soap of his clean clothes and the incense. She felt precious in his embrace, as though she would break or flutter away, and it felt strange because she’d grown up a soldier, trained by her ragged government. It felt strange, and at odds with her strong diva persona, but she liked the feeling of being protected.

It was supposed to be soothing, probably one of those sweet movie scenes with a ridiculous upbeat romantic music and a guitar in the background. Hollywood had definitely taught her a thing or two about snuggling and letting the credits roll, but right now, she was a disaster. A secret disaster. Her heart was scurrying through her chest, running around alarmingly, brain packing for Hawaii, throat begging to let out kettle noises Hana was desperately trying to stiffle.

There was very few words to express her current state of panic, and even less to describe the inhuman effort she was making at hiding it.

Because Genji Shimada had just said he loved her. Genuinely. And none of her half-baked scenarios had prepared her for the eventuality.

“People might start believing you if you say it so loud,” she scolded in a poor attempt to look nonchalant.

He slid a hand under her chin to make her look at him. “Would it include you if I do?”

Yes.

“What am I to you?” she asked carefully, drowning in the brown of his eyes as she urged herself to play hard to get.

“Much more than the girls you envy.”

“And why would I believe you?”

“I don’t know.”

He’d answered spontaneously, as though it was the most natural response to her question. It felt odd, and Hana realised she’d expected him to have a script readied. A series of smooth lines and compliments to every single one of her questions. She’d expected flowers and his regular Genji gear, but there was none of it and she felt dismayed. The train trembled again and jerked as it stopped, pressing Genji further against her as the usual crowd poured out. The placid voice repeated the name of the station. Her station.

The distance between their faces was negligible, and she only needed to tilt her head to feel his lips on hers. It could’ve looked like an accident. But her gaze was glued on his, on the warmth and tenderness and lit his dark pupils, and she couldn’t move. He was beautiful.

She needed to leave.

“Then why is it that my heart’s still running?”

She felt his mouth at the same time that she heard a sigh, something like defeat, escape him. She couldn’t tell if she’d kissed him or if he had, but as she brushed her lips against his, she tasted exhilaration and something that intoxicated her senses and her thoughts. He cupped her face in his hands and her own instinctively found the front of his shirt, pulling him closer as she tilted her head.

She heard the doors beep, then close, and the train resumed its chaotic journey, bumps and creaking sounds and heat surrounding them.

She’d missed her station.

But right now, as she tangled her fingers in Genji’s hair, it didn’t matter at all.

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