#I don´t know what to call them honestly I don´t want to label it wrong | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bemused-writer · 4 years ago

Text

VNC Chapter 47 Analysis

They're labeling this as "chapter 48" on official sites, but the last chapter was chapter 46.5, so I'm just going to call this 47 and hope for the best. XD Anyway, let's get right into it.

We start out with Jeanne at Carbunculus Castle, the place Noé and Vanitas were infamously kicked out of back in chapter 13. We see that Jeanne has an interest in books (and that Luca has given her permission to read his) and goes straight for the fairy tales.

Now, I suspect as a bourreau, she wasn't granted a whole lot of time to read, so the fact that Luca let's her read his books is probably considered a luxury. She looks awfully excited to be reaching for a book. Once again, we see how much Luca cares about her and how much has been withheld from Jeanne for so long.

Because of this, I'm guessing she's unfamiliar with a lot of the stories we take for granted, such as Sleeping Beauty. Regardless, Jeanne enjoys the story about the princess and inserts herself in it, only as the prince rather than the princess. It's interesting that, despite her history with Vanitas where he's been the one helping her (when he wasn't mocking her), she sees herself as the hero of the piece and Vanitas as the person who she can save. This fits in with the more domineering personality she's been demonstrating lately. And frankly, Vanitas is probably going to need her help at some point, so she's probably not completely wrong, even if it seems unlikely that Vanitas would ever accept such a simple romance.

Here's the thing, Jeanne's view on romance is pretty simplistic. That's not bad, but it means she and Vanitas are once again coming at things with a very different perspective. She's envisioning a relationship where she protects him, he welcomes this behavior, and then they go off to enjoy romantic bliss. But the thing is, we know Vanitas doesn't feel this way at all. He's terrified of genuine emotion because he can't believe anyone would think well of him, so unsurprisingly he hates himself, and he doubly hates it when people try to save him or protect him at their own expense (see his reaction to Noé doing just that in chapter 11). So, everything Jeanne wants out of a relationship right now is not going to work for Vanitas. Because, well, all Vanitas wanted out of a relationship was someone who would hate him while also being fun to mess with.

...His standards are pretty low. He is clearly not ready for a relationship of any kind. And, well, Jeanne isn't either, really, because her standards are too... unrealistic, especially considering who we're talking about here.

Anyway, Luca shows up and the two chat a bit before they're interrupted with the news that Dominique is missing.

Now this here is very interesting for a lot of reasons. 1) Apparently the de Sades are not considered reliable. She's been gone for three days and they're only now looking into it? This family is supposed to be politically savvy, yet somehow they get away with ridiculous behavior. Hmmm... 2) We finally know what Dominique's duty is: she's a royal guard. This is big. For one, it means she's been wearing an actual uniform this whole time and it's not just her sense of style. For another, she and Jeanne have kind of similar professions. They're both protecting the royal family. And yet, despite having this important job, Dominique's family treats her like a failure. Why? Is it her meek personality? Or do they not consider the duty of a royal guard all that important?

Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I wonder if "royal guard" translates to "de Sade spy" because I have a hard time believing this crafty of an aristocratic family would allow their daughter to simply be on guard duty all day. If so, no wonder Dominique is always so stressed.

The guard continue to tell Luca something, but we don't get to hear the whole exchange because we shift to Jeanne's perspective. Still, the guard is saying that something is happening in the humans' Paris, and I think it's safe to assume it's the "vampiric incidents" Noé referenced in chapter 45.

Considering how things are turning out, I think we can also assume the curse bearer is Dominique and these incidents were instigated by Misha. Why would he do this? To get Noé's and Vanitas's attention. His plans haven't really been subtle so far, but he likely knows what they've been up to: saving vampires.

Still, this theory doesn't totally hold up because Misha's plan rested on Dominique luring Noé to him. If we assume he corrupted her name, it's possible she went on a rampage without his instruction and this wasn't part of the plan whatsoever, though, and is therefore still possible.

Luca asks Jeanne to do him a favor, but at this point we cut back to Noé, so we don't know what it's going to be. I'm not sure what role Jeanne and Luca are going to play in this arc. They're unlikely to come in time to save Dominique; they have no idea where she is and even if Vanitas stopped to ask for help, it would be too late. What's more likely is they'll get involved after Vanitas has "rescued" Noé or intervened in some fashion.

Speaking of Noé, he really had a lousy time of it this chapter, didn't he? I'm beginning to see a shift in dynamics. In the first two arcs (Bal Masqué and Catacombs) Noé was the one who did the bulk of the protecting in his partnership with Vanitas. He saved him from Ruthven and he saved him from Moreau. With Gévaudan and now this arc, it seems Vanitas is having to step in to protect Noé.

Having said that, Noé still seems to be the target for a lot more of the malicious acts in this series than Vanitas is, and I'll talk a bit more about that momentarily.

Misha says he wants Noé to drink Vanitas's blood so he'll finally know why Vanitas killed their "Father." Noé admits he has no idea what this kid is even talking about, which surprises Misha.

That all by itself already raises some questions. Everything we've seen of Vanitas makes it pretty obvious he wouldn't talk about his past so easily, but Misha assumed Noé must know a great deal about Vanitas.

Misha: "Well, well. I was overthinking it, huh? You've been together all this time, and yet... You don't know a thing about my brother, do you Noé?"

Was Vanitas more open before he killed Vanitas of the Blue Moon? Or did Misha simply assume that for Vanitas to spend any length of time with someone suggested it must be someone he'd talk to about everything? I mean, in fairness, Vanitas has confided more in Noé than anyone else, but they haven't known each other that long, so his entire backstory would be a bit much right now. Also, how long as Misha been keeping an eye on them? He seems to have some idea of how things are going between them. Either that, or he's making a lot of assumptions.

I find this darkly amusing. Misha has some awareness of how insane his request sounds, but he figures it's simply because Noé doesn't have all the facts and not because, you know, he kidnapped his best friend and is threatening to kill her.

Anyway, Misha rightly assumes that explaining things will probably take a lot of time and Noé frankly has no reason to believe him anyway, so he reaches a conclusion: he'll just have Noé drink his own blood, give him the facts, and then toss Noé at Vanitas to finally get the answer he seeks.

This is such a fascinating mix of good and bad logic colliding here. On one hand, information is good! You definitely want people to have that if you're hoping to get them to help you. On the other hand, forcing the guy you're holding hostage to engage in an intimate act with you to learn those facts probably isn't going to endear him to you in any shape or form. 8D Misha simply assumes that once Noé sees how Vanitas killed his father, he will sympathize with him and want to help him. He's completely forgetting that he is hurting Noé and the person he cares about, Dominique, and that that isn't something he's about to forget anytime soon. He's also not taking into account that Noé has, you know, morals. Forcing himself on Vanitas isn't something he's going to readily do even if he does think killing Vanitas of the Blue Moon was messed up.

Noé doesn't want to drink Misha's blood. He is horrified by his behavior, his actions, and what is basically sexual harassment at this point. But despite all that, Noé drinks his blood anyway, and the reasoning is simple.

She means everything to him and he's worried about her. I've wondered for a while now if Noé is aware of how traumatized Dominique actually is from what happened to Louis. This section makes me think that the answer is "yes."

I can't find the panel right now, but I seem to remember at some point Vanitas made a comment about Dominique being forward or something like that and Noé said "She wasn't always like that." But he said it so simply I figured he thought Dominique underwent a transition just because. But the above panel shows that her transformation was really painful for Noé, too. He had to witness her physically change herself, emotionally change herself, all in an effort to become another person, whom they both cared about and missed. That's psychologically taxing for everyone involved and I think that both Noé and Dominique assigned themselves the duty of protecting the other. Dominique spends all her time trying to make sure Noé is safe as well as trying to become someone she thinks Noé will love, and now we see that Noé was so frightened by her attempt to become Louis he knew he had to do everything he could to protect her.

Also, for ages now I've thought that Noé was projecting Louis onto Dominique or that certain moments with Dominique made him think of Louis, but I need to retract some of that. Since Dominique spent so much time dressed as Louis, those time he "thought of Louis" were probably times he was thinking of Dominique in her "Louis phase." Which is definitely hard to keep track of, but for now I think we should just assume all the times he drank "Louis's blood," or danced with "Louis" he really did do those things with Dominique.

Which means another thing: these two have a much higher chance of being a couple than I originally thought. There's even more history and backstory together than I'd realized, and we're really seeing how much Noé cares for Dominique now. The real hindrance in this relationship is Noé's obliviousness and Dominique's self-hatred.

But let's get to Misha's backstory, which we get to see as Noé views his memories.

This panel right here explains Misha's behavior pretty well actually, which is handy because Misha's behavior is decidedly unsettling. There's no denying the sexual way Misha handled himself when he offered his blood to Noé and it seemed to me like a very learned behavior. We see here that's the case. The phrase "turn tricks" means to engage in sex, so what the guards are telling us is that Misha's mother had him perform sexual acts with her customers. So, that's unbelievably messed up, but Misha's behavior makes a lot more sense now. He was taught to do this, is used to doing this, and knows it's a method to get what he wants. Well, he wants Noé to do something for him, and, well, drinking blood is often a seduction method for vampires, so I guess by that logic he should get exactly what he wants.

Except Noé isn't a customer, he's not interested in Misha, and he's essentially having a panic attack. Not an ideal way of getting someone to do what you want. Like I said, Misha's logic is a fascinating mix of good and bad and that is really being highlighted right now.

Also, going back to Misha making assumptions about Noé and Vanitas's relationship, I think it's likely that, given his background, he was probably convinced those two were sleeping with each other, which is probably why he also figured Noé knew more about Vanitas than he does.

One thing that surprised me about this chapter was that we got to see Roland! Out of all the things I expected, I really didn't expect to learn that he and Misha met at some point. XD But this is an interesting connection, one that I feel like has to come up again at some point. We see that Roland is very good with children with a good sense of humor and a kind nature. We also see he was pretty heavily injured when Misha first met him.

I really have to wonder what happened to put Roland in such a sorry state....

Regardless, he assures Misha he will have a new home with lots of friends. But then Misha asks an odd question: Why did the chasseurs kill the vampire that killed his mother?

Roland is understandably confused and then horrified as Misha explains the vampire saved his mother.

And here we are, back to the question of "What is salvation?"

Misha says his mother became cruel to him and that she was always angry, but the vampire restored her smile and she seemed kind again. In other words, she died, but she was also restored, however briefly, to the mother Misha had missed for so long.

So, Vanitas and Misha both had their families killed by vampires. Vanitas's reaction is more what we might expect from that trauma: he distrusts vampires, maybe hates them, but he's also seen how awful humans are and has decided everyone is awful. We can assume that the death of Vanitas's family didn't restore any faith in vampires, that's for sure.

But for Misha, that wasn't the case. This vampire was clearly a cruel, horrible man, but Misha was already used to being around cruel, horrible people. That probably didn't register as all that different from the norm. But his mother's smile did, and so he views vampires fondly.

Basically, we're seeing two different reactions to somewhat similar trauma (the death of one's family) and different ways of treating vampires based off of it. Vanitas wants them to stay away from him unless he's the one with all the power and because he wants to maintain a sense of autonomy, he especially doesn't want an Archiviste drinking his blood. He threatened Noé with death if he ever attempted it. He keeps his secrets close and people far away.

Misha was raised in an environment where he was hardly keeping people away. He's used to being an open book--or at least pretending to be one--and so he embraces vampires and wants his past to be known because that's how he establishes power: by drawing people in. Misha sees an Archiviste's abilities as "useful" not "bad."

Anyway, Roland makes a comment about the vampires leading Misha's heart astray. I wonder if this is how Astolfo feels about Roland now? Hmm...

We briefly see Olivier as well, and he's just as beat up as Roland. Just what were these two doing? Also, someone says "my Lord," which I think was aimed at Olivier, and if so, that confirms my suspicions that he's of the aristocracy.

Misha is whisked away the second Roland's back is turned and he's given to Moreau who then places him in Vanitas's care. My guess is the next several chapters are going to be Misha's flashbacks before we return to the present day, which means it's going to be a bit before we hear from Vanitas and Jeanne.

My biggest question is, of course, how Vanitas will react to this scene. I can see it going a few ways. He could be appalled at what Misha has done and direct his anger at him. Or he might wonder if Noé was so eager to know his past he agreed to drink Misha's blood for that alone.

But in this case, it really has nothing to do with Vanitas; Noé is simply willing to do whatever it takes to save Dominique. Learning about Vanitas wasn't something he was remotely interested in in this scenario. Quite different from the norm!

Also, can Noé even trust the memories he sees from Misha? Are these memories "accurate" or are they distorted by Misha's own impressions? Furthermore, what will happen to Noé after being immersed in someone else's memories for so long? He can't fully remember Jean-Jacques's memories because it was all smashed together, but this is a very clear reading, possibly the deepest he's ever done. I don't know if he'll recover readily from this.

And when Vanitas gets there, how is he going to save Noé and Dominique? Will he freeze when he sees Misha? How powerful is this kid?

And then there's the mark on Misha's arm. It's on the opposite arm to Vanitas's, which makes me think the mark shows up wherever a vampire bites as opposed to having a set location. Another interesting thing about this mark is that he's missing part of his arm. In the flashback, Misha has both hands, so did he lose one because of Moreau? Or is this a result of being rewritten from using the book too much? There's a lot to consider there.

I'm very eager to see the next chapter. This is quite a clever way of giving us some backstory without having Noé betray Vanitas's trust. I'm curious to see how things continue and just how awful Moreau was. b>Edit: So, I completely forgot to make a couple of points. XD I'll just add them to the bottom.

I wanted to talk about Noé and how he's been bearing the brunt of the trauma of late and why that might be. I think at least some of it is to go against our expectations. Noé is a vampire, and generally speaking, vampires have the advantage in any story about them. They're stronger, practically immortal, and knowledgeable on account of their age. Noé is physically stronger than Vanitas, but he isn't immortal, and he's actually somewhat naive. This is already different from our expectation. But what's also different is Noé undergoing so much trauma.

Of course, I don't think Mochizuki is doing this just to mess with our expectations. I also think it's because Noé tends to be trusting and he tends to go into situations without proper warning from Vanitas. On several occasions now, Noé has criticized Vanitas for not stating things clearly (the Catacombs arc) and for not telling him vital information (the Gévaudan arc). And whenever Vanitas doesn't tell him something, Noé suffers for it. A few other examples: If Noé had known how little Vanitas trusts Ruthven, maybe he would have been more careful about going out to coffee with him. If he'd known Vanitas even had a brother and that he was dangerous, maybe he could have asked Vanitas for help first. If he'd known there was a second book he would have been radically more prepared for what faces him now.

I'm not trying to say all of this is Vanitas's fault because it isn't. Noé could be more careful in general and less trusting as well. But it definitely wouldn't have hurt for Vanitas to speak up sooner.

Another thing I wanted to touch on briefly is something I've talked about before, and that's how one of the themes of this series is consent and what that actually looks like. We have Vanitas and Jeanne where I think consent was dubious in their relationship, but then it transformed and is maybe more consensual now (their relationship is currently in flux). Then we see how Noé has had a lot of unwanted attention thrust on him from people like Ruthven, Chloé, and now Misha. I think that suggests that at some point, we're going to have to see him in a more stable, consensual relationship. Noé tends to brush things off; he let go of Chloé's treatment easily. But with this constant barrage, I feel like we're either going to see him snap or we're going to see him be more firm in his boundaries.

And then about his drinking Misha's blood: Will this finally heal his hand? I know I've been fixated on his chopped off hand for a while now, but it really drives me crazy. 8D

Okay, I think I've covered everything I meant to now. There was a lot to think about with this chapter.

#vanitas no carte #vnc spoilers #vnc meta #Bemused's post

69 notes · View notes

dirtbvg-a · 4 years ago

Photo

( cismale | he/him | lorenzo zurzolo ) —— isn’t that ÉRIC ALLAIRE? yeah that is them, sitting there at the RAVENCLAW table with those other SIXTH years. when sybill looks into that crystal ball of hers, she sees an imperfection in a glass that skews the view, middle fingers aimed at authority figures, unopened letters from home shoved under a mattress, the tingle in your fingers from a burn running under cool water, the side stream smoke from a cigarette causing a secondhand burn, and the scent of fall spices and dark wood. anyway i’ve heard they’re pretty GLOOMY, SANCTIMONIOUS, and INCISIVE. apparently they’re a VENIT TEMPESTAS and PUREBLOOD but i’m sure that’s not related.

basics

full name: éric sébastien allaire

nicknames: honestly whatever kgfjds try anything and we’ll see how he reacts in the moment

birthday: 1 april, 1960

sun/moon/rising sign: aries sun, gemini moon, leo rising

age: seventeen

gender: cismale

sexual orientation: doesn’t care for labels

parents: henri allaire, 61, ambassador from wizarding france. cassandra franco, 40, socialite.

siblings: half siblings: christèle allaire, 35. dorothée allaire, 32. véronique allaire, 29. full siblings: milène allaire, 20. aveline allaire, 18. ophélie allaire, 17. apollon, hermès & dionysos, family owls.

tidbits

éric, the long awaited, and true, heir to allaire name. you were wanted so badly even before you were conceived that when it finally happened, when a boy was finally brought into the world, you could never disappoint them. but what if that’s all you want to do ?

the troublemaking began the first instant he realized he could get away with it, and that started at an age that even éric himself doesn’t remember. you’d think a boy growing up in a household with six other sisters would result in a boy donning the proper communication skills or even empathy, but you couldn’t be more wrong. you’re mommy’s boy and you could never do wrong in her eyes, it must’ve been someone else’s fault…

speaking of those sisters, there’s only so much of a relationship you can create with those you would never have anything in common with — an age gap being the only thing. the relationship with milène & aveline was one that was civil when it needed to be. he was probably seen as a nuisance, a boy with no goals or desire to work a day in his life. but with ellie ? a relationship that seemed more like destruction than any. maybe he found it amusing how much the two were alike, and how vastly different they were treated. his antics were cute, and, after all, boys will be boys. but ellie ? there were unspeakable things their mother did in retaliation. maybe that’s why they hate to speak.

éric is selfish, he doesn’t look out for anyone but himself and had the tiniest of dreams when first attending hogwarts that he’d finally be left alone by his family. he wished for any placement other than slytherin in order to keenly avoid aveline, and since he was called before ophélie, the hat roared ravenclaw and he felt free. that is, for the few moments before his twin sisters name was called and she was given the same blue to adorn as him. a childish grudge he’d still hold.

by now it’s obvious that the boy doesn’t like to follow rules. he doesn’t always play fairly, something quite evident on the quidditch pitch, especially with his sister being captain. maybe he’d let her win that round.

aries sun: those with the sun in aries are gifted with a direct, fiery nature that makes them one step ahead of the crowd. they take charge of a situation, and their sense of certainty usually makes others fall in line. this makes the sun in aries a born leader.

gemini moon: lunar geminis are usually pleasant, witty, and charming people. at home and with family, however, they can be moody and irritable at times. people with moon in gemini are always interesting people–they have a finger in every pie, are curious to a fault, and are generally well-informed.

leo rising: leo rising people are generally demonstrative, and given to grand gestures. drama comes naturally to these natives. in fact, some are so caught up in fiction, they’re a little blind to fact. they have an unusual need to be admired. they are given to rash decisions, temper tantrums, and excesses. however, they have plenty of staying power, drive, and their idealism keeps them from getting into too much trouble.

wanted connections

i…… don’t know LKSJHGAV pls hmu tho

honestly open to anything but whats new

#petrificus.intro #HERE WE GOOOOOOOO

7 notes · View notes

calpalirwin · 5 years ago

Text

Phone Screens

Summary: Online relationships don’t make the feelings any less real

A/N: Wanted to try my hand at a dialogue heavy piece. Let me know how I did.

Content: Friends to lovers? I dunno.

Word Count: 3.3k

And away, and away we go!

drumming_heartbeats: Hey…

jetblackrose: Hi!

drumming_heartbeats: Saw your post about how you met Ashton. That musta been cool, yeah?

jetblackrose: Oh, it was hella cool! I was like super fuckin nervous and he was so chill about it. Honestly probably shouldn’t have fangirled as hard as I did lol.

drumming_heartbeats: Lol, why do you say that?

jetblackrose: I’ve only been a fan for like less than a year lol. I know people have been a fan for years and still haven’t gotten the chance to meet him, or any of the other members so yeah. Feel like I haven’t done my time yet or something. It’s stupid.

drumming_heartbeats: Nah, that’s not stupid. That’s actually really cool. Your picture with him is fucking adorable btw.

jetblackrose: Aw thanks, lovely! How’d you become a 5sos fan? Assuming you are one?

drumming_heartbeats: Lol! My friend got me into them. But yeah, been a fan for awhile. I’m Tom btw.

jetblackrose: Ooo a boy fan! Sick! Nice to meet ya Tom. I’m Gen.

drumming_heartbeats: Shocking I know, but us guy fans do exist, lol. So I take it from the looks of your blog Ash is your favorite?

jetblackrose: I mean… I love them all equally for different reasons. But yeah, Ash is my fav. Something about that cheeky lil grin he does. And he’s so… I dunno, more mindful than the rest? Like they’re all dorks, don’t get me wrong. But he also gives off an old soul vibe I really connect with too if that makes sense.

jetblackrose: Lol, sorry for rambling.

drumming_heartbeats: Nah, it’s cute. And I totally get it. He definitely does seem to have that wisdom that comes from going through some heavy shit.

jetblackrose: Rightfully so. I mean, he seems pretty open about the shit he’s gone through. And the fact that it’s only seemed to make him a kinder person is part of why I love him so much.

drumming_heartbeats: Yeah. Like it’s very easy to let the demons win and give into the bitterness of it all. But he seems like a happy dude, so good for him.

jetblackrose: Good for him indeed! Like all I want in life is for that man to be happy. Like, we all deserve that, but him especially. God, that sounds dumb doesn’t it? That I can feel so attached to someone I maybe talked to for like 5 minutes. Like I know realistically he will probably never recall our encounter or think twice about it. But that doesn’t mean I can’t wish him happiness all the same I suppose. Sorry… rambling again.

drumming_heartbeats: Nah, that’s not dumb at all. If anything I think it shows how caring of a person you are. Which the world could use a lot more of.

jetblackrose: Lol, thanks! You’re sweet to think that. But it’s definitely dumb lol.

drumming_heartbeats: Not even the slightest. Fuck, I’m about to pass out. Talk later?

jetblackrose: You know where to find me. Night-o!

~~~

jetblackrose: Hey, Tom?

drumming_heartbeats: Yeah?

jetblackrose: Probably a dumb question but where do you live? I feel like I keep you up hella late.

drumming_heartbeats: I live in LA.

jetblackrose: Shit, no way?!

drumming_heartbeats: Yeah, lol. I mean, I travel a lot for work but yeah. LA’s home.

jetblackrose: Oh that’s awesome! Are you traveling now?

drumming_heartbeats: Nah, I’m home for the time being. Resting up. Gonna be a busy year.

jetblackrose: Yeah? Hopefully good busy.

drumming_heartbeats: Oh, yeah. It’s always good busy. Hey, did you see the new stuff 5sos put up?

jetblackrose: Yes! Holy shit! Are they TRYING to kill their fans or what?!

drumming_heartbeats: Lmao right? Like fuck, bruh…

jetblackrose: More like fuck me please, lmao! Quick question! And you don’t have to answer if this is way too personal. But are you gay?

drumming_heartbeats: No? I mean, I don’t have a fragile male ego. I can freely admit that men are handsome. But I’m not like… I dunno. If anything I’d probably say I’m bi. I just… labels are confusing.

jetblackrose: Yeah, I feel you on that. Like I just love who I love. I don’t feel the need to explain it much beyond that.

drumming_heartbeats: Exactly! I mean, but I’ve only ever had female partners so… the assumption is straight I suppose.

jetblackrose: I’ve only had male partners. Well, I’ve kissed girls. But I’ve only ever dated dudes.

drumming_heartbeats: Oh, I bet your bf loves that, huh?

jetblackrose: I wouldn’t know. I frequently had my attraction to women from the dudes I date so I don’t get the creeps.

drumming_heartbeats: So no bf…?

jetblackrose: Lol, that’s what you get out of that? You’re such a dude! But nope. No bf.

drumming_heartbeats: Damn, that sucks.

jetblackrose: Why do you have a gf?

drumming_heartbeats: No. I did. But we broke up like a few months ago.

jetblackrose: Aw, sorry to hear that.

drumming_heartbeats: Lol, I think you’re the first person to say that. Normally people are sorry to hear I’m IN a relationship, not out of one.

jetblackrose: Wtf? That’s so dumb, lol. You’re my friend, Tom. I want you to be happy.

drumming_heartbeats: Aw, I’m your friend?

jetblackrose: Yes…? I mean, we’ve talked all day every day for like what? A month? I swear I talk more with you than my real life friends lol.

drumming_heartbeats: Aw, that’s so cute! You’re my friend too, btw. If that wasn’t obvious. I really like talking with you.

jetblackrose: I really like talking with you too! Like, I know it’s probably really stupid to say, but I never really got how people can become friends online. Like how can you feel connected to someone you never actually met, you know? But talking with you, I get it. I’m glad you messaged me.

drumming_heartbeats: Aw, Gen baby, you’re gonna make me blush! That’s so fuckin’ cute. I’m glad I messaged you too. You feel more real to me than the friends I actually see lol.

jetblackrose: Looks like we’re both gonna make the other blush… Dude! Honestly, I think it’s because we can only talk. Like, we can’t actually see each other, so we have to rely on these messages. And it’s a lot easier for me to not be shy when I message someone. Because I can delete what sounds stupid!

drumming_heartbeats: Lmao! Nothing you say could ever be stupid.

jetblackrose: You say that now… Trust me though, in person I’m a fuckin nervous idiot. Like I talk too fast or not at all.

drumming_heartbeats: I bet you’re fuckin cute in person.

jetblackrose: Lmao, are you hitting on me?

drumming_heartbeats: Too much?

jetblackrose: Nah, lol. I don’t scare easy. I just bet you’re way cuter.

drumming_heartbeats: Not even! Have you SEEN your face?

jetblackrose: You mean this face? *picture*

drumming_heartbeats: Damn, baby!

jetblackrose: Fuck… is it really dumb of me to like you calling me “baby” so much?

drumming_heartbeats: I mean… I don’t think so? Like, I would hope it doesn’t bother you.

jetblackrose: No, it doesn’t bother me. I like it.

drumming_heartbeats: Cool! Cuz I like calling you that.

~~~

drumming_heartbeats: Is this your king? *picture*

jetblackrose: My brain literally went “oh daddy”... I DON”T EVEN HAVE A DADDY KINK! Ashton Irwin is going to be the death of me, watch. On my tombstone it’ll read “Gen. Killed by Ash’s hotness”

drumming_heartbeats: Omg lol!

jetblackrose: Too dramatic?

drumming_heartbeats: I mean…? Maybe?

jetblackrose: Maybe? Nah. What would be dramatic would be me saying how badly I want those arms of his wrapped around me. Like cuddling me. Choking me. I don’t even care. But those hands? I needs them on me!

drumming_heartbeats: You’re right. That would be dramatic lol.

jetblackrose: Like fuck… I bet those are the most restless set of hands. Like he’s a drummer. So like he’s probably constantly moving his fingers. Is it too much to ask that he moves those fingers across my skin? Like… bruh…

drumming_heartbeats: Omg, I love you dude.

jetblackrose: You what…?

drumming_heartbeats: Shit… I mean like… uh…

jetblackrose: Tom, relax. I love you too.

drumming_heartbeats: Shit, for real?

jetblackrose: Yeah. And… that kinda scares me? Like I don’t actually know you. I mean, I know you. We’ve talked every day for the past 3 months. But… I didn’t think I could ever feel this strongly for someone I’ve never physically met. Like, granted, it’s a very strong friendship love. But, I… I dunno if I should admit this… fuck it. I think I could actually love you. Like in a romantic way. Hell, I think I already do.

drumming_heartbeats: Omg, you’re the fuckin cutest!

jetblackrose: I promise I’m not lol. I just… fuck dude, I dunno. I just love you, alright? And it fuckin blows my mind that we live in the same area basically and haven’t met. Because I really wanna fuckin meet you. But also not. Cuz like I don’t want to ruin this. And that’s such a fuckin cop out response. But like I am genuinely terrified that if we met you won’t like what you see.

drumming_heartbeats: Why wouldn’t I like what I see?

jetblackrose: Because I can send you a message without stuttering like a damn fool. I can stare at my phone until I find the perfect way to phrase things. I can’t do that in person. In person I’ll probably just stare blankly at you and make weird sounds.

drumming_heartbeats: I would still love you, Gen. I’m not much better. I’m probably worse lmao.

jetblackrose: You’re sweet to say that. But I’m a very what you see if what you get type. I’m either hyper, loud, and obnoxious or I’m closed off and shy. I fluctuate from wanting to go on all the adventures to wanting to stay curled up in bed all day. It’s why I end up with failed relationships. No one can handle the wild mood swings. Which is fine. I get it. It sucks. But I get wanting a partner who can navigate middle ground.

drumming_heartbeats: Well all those guys are idiots because that sounds fuckin perfect to me. Like I’m a busy guy. And as much as I’m down for adventures, I’m also down to just do fuckin nothing. Like just being with the girl is good enough, you get me? An adventure can be as easy as building a fort and watching movies all day.

jetblackrose: YES! Like fuck, that’s all I want. Someone who gets it. Someone like you.

drumming_heartbeats: Good thing you have me then.

jetblackrose: Good fuckin thing indeed! God, I’m so glad you messaged me.

drumming_heartbeats: Me too.

~~~

jetblackrose: Fuck, I’m so stressed!

drumming_heartbeats: Aw, what’s wrong baby?

jetblackrose: Just lack of motivation. Like I need a mental health day. Only there’s too much to do that I can’t actually do that. Like if I could pause time, that’d be fuckin great.

drumming_heartbeats: Aw, sorry baby.

jetblackrose: It’s my own dumb fault. I know I have to get stuff done and I just… feel so uninspired I guess? Like I don’t want to do work. I want to do things that bring me joy.

drumming_heartbeats: Like Ashton lmao?

jetblackrose: Haha, very funny. But yes. And no. Like fuck I just wanna talk with you all day and bingewatch tv shows.

drumming_heartbeats: Yeah, I get that. But you’ll get through this. You’re strong. Love you, baby.

jetblackrose: Aw! I love you too, baby! Fuck, I can’t wait for my vacation in a few weeks.

drumming_heartbeats: Going anywhere or just like a good chunk of time off from responsibilities?

jetblackrose: Just a good chunk of time off. If I go anywhere it’ll probably just be around here. See some friends. Maybe go to the beach to get some use of the new swimsuit I bought.

drumming_heartbeats: I’m your friend. Can you see me?

jetblackrose: You wanna see me? You want to experience all this awkward in real time? Are you feeling okay?

drumming_heartbeats: I’m serious lol. Why not? We’ve been friends for how long now?

jetblackrose: Like 6 months? Holy shit.

drumming_heartbeats: So is that a yes? Can we meet?

jetblackrose: I thought you’re traveling for work?

drumming_heartbeats: My job is sending me off in spurts lol. Like I’m actually coming home this week. And then I’ll be home for like a month.

jetblackrose: And you want to see me on your time off?

drumming_heartbeats: Why not? Don’t you want to meet me?

jetblackrose: Of course I want to meet you Tom! I love you, you goof. But I’m nervous.

drumming_heartbeats: Lol, why?

jetblackrose: Because I love you this much with having never seen your face or heard your voice. I don’t want to see you and then have to say goodbye. If I get the chance to actually be in your arms, I’m not gonna want to leave.

drumming_heartbeats: Lol, good. Cuz I don’t think I’ll let you go.

jetblackrose: Okay, seriously, I could not love you more. Like are you trying to make me a flustered idiot?

drumming_heartbeats: Is it working lol?

jetblackrose: Yes! Okay, can I ask you a question?

drumming_heartbeats: You can ask me anything.

jetblackrose: Would… fuck I dunno why I’m so nervous asking you this… It’s no secret that we clearly care for each other. It’s also no secret that we love each other. But… is this all in my head? Am I confessing all these feelings and you don’t actually feel the same way in return?

drumming_heartbeats: Gen, baby, I’m serious. I… I want to meet you because I think we can be more than this. More than what we are here through these messages. Not that I don’t love our conversations. Not that I don’t want to stop having them. Because I love talking with you. I wouldn’t trade this relationship we’ve built for anything. But I want to keep building it. And I want to meet you to do that. If you don’t want the same, that’s fine. But that’s where I’m at.

jetblackrose: No. I want to meet you too. I’m just scared.

drumming_heartbeats: Don’t be scared. I love you, Gen.

jetblackrose: I love you too, Tom.

~~~

Gen sat in her car, frowning. Seven months of talking and she was finally about to see Tom. They had agreed on going to the beach as they both felt relaxed by water. But she was nervous all the same. Not only was she seeing her best online friend she had admitted to having a massive crush on, he was also going to see a lot of her skin, as she couldn’t exactly hide under jeans and hoodies at the beach. Not that she wanted to hide from Tom. She was just scared. She flipped down the visor and checked herself over in the small mirror. Then, she took a deep breath to steady herself and got out of the car.

She walked along the pier, the ocean breeze stirring her hair and bringing forth a calm steadiness within her. She leaned her arms on the wooden banister and waited. Her nerves had caused her to arrive a half hour early.

The water swirling around beneath her was hypnotizing. She wasn’t aware of time passing until a voice was calling out, “Gen?” followed by a small tap on her shoulder.

She turned, a smile on her face, nervous flutters in her stomach. As her eyes scanned up at her friend, her mouth dropped open.

The man giggled, a dimple indenting his cheek. “Surprise?”

Her eyes flashed behind her sunglasses and then her hands were shoving his chest. “YOU LIAR!” she shouted at him, her voice shrill.

“Whoa,” he said, grabbing her hands as she continued to push him. “Hey, I didn’t lie!”

“Yes you did! You said your name was Tom!” She ripped her hands out of his grasp, her skin lighting up in memorization at his touch.

“Clever, eh?” he smirked.

“Clever?! Lying to me was clever?!”

“I didn’t lie!”

“You lied about who you were, Tom! What else did you lie about?!”

“Just my name. I promise. And you don’t have to keep calling me Tom.”

Her voice shot down to a barely audible whisper as she told him in a horrified tone, “If I don’t call you Tom, then this becomes real. Really real. And then I’m the lunatic who just shoved my favorite drummer from my favorite band while screaming that he was a liar. And… STOP SMIRKING, ASHTON!”

Ashton held up his hands defensively and took a step backwards. “Alright, alright! I’m sorry, okay?”

“Sorry about what? Sorry you lied to me? Or sorry I’m mad about it?”

“Sorry you’re mad about it. I had to lie.”

“No. No, you really didn’t.”

“Yes, I did.”

“BULLSHIT!”

“Do you see how you’re acting right now?! This is why I lied! Can you imagine if we had done this over messages?”

“I wouldn’t have believed you.”

“Exactly.”

“Your friend got you into 5sos… fucking… UGH!”

“Yeah, that was pretty clever wasn’t it?”

“I cannot FUCKING BELIEVE YOU!”

“Well, will you let me explain then?”

“Please. Wordsmith your way outta this one. Be my guest.”

“Okay,” he huffed, pushing his back hair out of his face. “I liked you the night of the party. When we actually met.”

“Oh, my God… my life is a fan fic…” Gen interrupted, eyes wide as her brain played catch up, still not believing this was actually real.

“I have to be careful, okay. It’s not that I wanted to lie to you about who I was. Not that I was. Everything I told you was real. My feelings are real.”

“Jesus, I said so many fuckin’ things to you. So. Many! I said you gave me a daddy kink! I said I wanted you to choke me! I said those things to someone I thought was a friend!”

“I am your friend!”

“No! You’re ASHTON FUCKIN’ IRWIN! And I’m… Gen,” she admitted, sadly. “I’m right where I was seven months ago. Meeting my idol and trying not to read too much into it. Only it’s worse. Because you’re aware of things I never would have told you had I known you were actually you. Please excuse me while I go die in a hole. Matter of fact, I’m just…” She walked towards the edge of the pier, placing her hands on the banister and pretended to lift herself up.

“Stop that,” Ashton scolded with a chuckle, pulling her off the railing and into his arms.

She froze, her body going rigid. “Let go of me.”

“No. I said if I got you in my arms I wouldn’t let go. And you said you wouldn’t want to leave. Now who’s the liar?”

“It’s still you by a fuckin’ mile!”

He let go but only to spin her around before his hands were gripping her shoulders. “I’m sorry if I upset you by keeping my identity a secret. I get if that changes things for you. But it doesn’t for me. I still feel the same way I felt towards you today that I did yesterday. And I’ll still feel the same way about you tomorrow and for the rest of my life.”

“Y-you do?” she asked, her eyes wide in disbelief.

“Yes. Maybe I went about this the wrong way. Maybe I should’ve asked for your number that night instead of waiting for the picture of us to surface so I could find you that way. Maybe I shouldn’t have hidden my identity. But I did what I thought was best. I don’t like being vulnerable. I don’t like putting myself out there. So I protected myself the best way I knew how. You still got the real me, though.”

She stared up at him. As much as she wanted to be mad at him, she couldn’t. He was still her online best friend, and she was still in love with him.

“Look,” he kept talking. “Maybe we walk off this pier and never speak again. Or, maybe you trust me and yourself. Maybe we make it. Maybe we don’t. But either way, neither one of us is walking off this pier the same person we were before.”

Tag List

@goeatsomelife @flameraine @cashtonasff5sos @here-for-the-uproars @cxddlyash @1-irwin-94 @baldcalum @sparkling-chaos @tea4sykes @youngblood199456 @5-seconds-of-obsession @gosh-im-short

#phone screens #ugh thats such a shit title...#this is shit...#ashton irwin #ashton irwin fic #5sos #galcal irwin

34 notes · View notes

lightsandlostbells · 7 years ago

Text

Druck episode 8 reaction

just making my way through the tumultuous lives of German youth! some of this is outdated since I fell way behind

Episode 8

Clip 1 - Hanna and Mia = so happy together

Hanna resting her head against Mia’s shoulder = awwwwww. Also cute is Mia hyping up her musical taste and getting Hanna to join in.

Here comes Alexander to ruin the moment!

For some reason it’s hilarious that he offers to sing with them. What if Mia was like yeah, let’s harmonize, show me what you got?

AHAHAHA OK, I know people want there to be a hint of ~flirtation and ~attraction on Mia’s part but you know, I fucking live for her just tearing into him and telling him off and that she’ll report him for harassment. Resounding applause!

On the other hand I cannot buy her falling for him in the slightest. By making her so firmly against him they’re making it an uphill battle convincing me that they’ll get together, especially since Mia seems perhaps the most outspokenly feminist remake Noora.

Hanna smiling and being like, “You’re so cool, Mia,” and Mia all like, “Thanks, I read this thing in an article about pickup artists using the wrong names for women to make them feel submissive!” And then the two of them happily go back to singing? This version of the scene is incredible.

Like Mia read some PUA bullshit about men trying to make women feel small, and she turned it back on a shitty man who treats women like crap! How can you not appreciate that?

Also I take back what I said previously about Mia and Hanna not being flirty compared to this pairing in other Skams. The end of this scene was total girlfriend goals.

Clip 2 - Nein, Kiki

Amira and Sam - the cutest. I would pay to see them operating that canine squad.

Well, I kinda hate Kiki again. That was a hell of a segue from her Amy Santiago-ing the party security setup to talking shit about Hanna.

I do love Hanna telling Kiki to drop it. I feel like we’ve begun to see more of a backbone on her. And Mia coming to Hanna’s defense, of course.

The reveal of the Hanna and Leonie friendship breakup is underwhelming compared to some other versions. It’s more focused on Kiki being an asshole than Hanna’s internal anguish. However, they did throw in one detail, about Hanna snagging Jonas at Sarah’s birthday party which I liked, because I’ve always wanted even more details about how they got together. I can’t remember, but did we ever hear about Leonie crying on Hanna’s shoulder while Hanna and Jonas were sneaking around behind Leonie’s back? Or is the implication that they hooked up at the birthday party and Leonie found out pretty soon, and that was that?

“Honestly, Hanna, you shouldn’t be surprised that everyone’s calling you a slut.” What the hell, Kiki. She delivers it so smugly.

Mia and Amira defending Hanna, I sure love these girls. And while Sam’s comment about “slut” being a compliment is not really the best thing to say considering the context, she was trying to be nice.

Mia also points out that it takes two to tango, it’s not just Hanna’s fault, and then Kiki says something spot-on despite her general unpleasantness in this scene - she mentions Jonas (not just Toilet Sam) for being a “slut” too, which I don’t think anyone in any of the Skams has yet done. I think it’s usually focused on the P-Chris character also being slutty? Not that I agree with the “slut” terminology specifically, more than I don’t think anyone ever singled out Jonas as a cheater, and I mean, I love him but it’s true. It’s not fair at all that the Evas have to bear the burden of the homewrecker label alone, especially when Jonas was the one already in a relationship.

Sam’s comment about “I don’t care about Jule, and Leonie is a bitch. And Jonas and Hanna are way cuter together” almost feels like commentary about the audience. Because that’s how it would be - we know almost nothing about Jule except she attacked Hanna, so who cares about her, and we’ve seen Leonie only through Hanna’s POV as an aggressive mean girl. And well, Jonas and Hanna are twelve kinds of cute. But of course that’s only one side of the story. Jule and Leonie are both wronged parties here and feeling hurt and betrayed for valid reasons even if they don’t express it in the best way. Kiki is right, Leonie is the victim here, whatever her other faults.

And again, Sam says this to help Hanna, it’s just not that helpful.

“In your Muslim gangster world, wouldn’t she have been attacked by acid by now or something?” WOW WOW. I sorta liked Kiki, but I’m definitely wanting to retract that statement.

Really, she unleashed that on Amira for absolutely no reason! Amira was just sitting there, not saying anything!

I think Kiki is lashing out like a wounded animal though. She’s trashing her friends with a viciousness that I don’t think Vilde had.

I love love love Amira though. Really, I would love to see S4 about her (with heavy rewrites, heh). You can tell that she’s really hurt by what Kiki has just said and needed a moment to compose herself.

Amira’s prayer alarm going off right then was a good clincher to that moment, a reminder of Amira’s Muslim-ness just to rub it in for Kiki, and probably to twist the knife a little for Amira, tbh. People will always judge her on her religion.

Also, great moment from Sam asking Kiki why she always needs to fight. It’s a big difference from Chris just sitting out this scene in awkward silence and trying to avoid conflict. But you can tell that Sam was trying to help out Hanna and perhaps neutralize the tension in this scene, she just doesn’t always know the right thing to say. I think it’s consistent characterization for her to ask why Kiki needs to be confrontational.

Lol, Kiki left her stuff behind when she marched out.

Clip 3 - Hanna and Jonas being sad together

Ahhh, it’s Jonas playing the guitar! Is that an existing song or just a tune he made up?

There’s a slight shift in context to having them sit in a bedroom (an intimate location) but far apart at first when they have this discussion, rather than in a public place like a skate park, but with seemingly less distance between them. The skate park is more like a neutral ground for them to meet. This is Hanna going into Jonas’ private space and being unwelcome. She knew it and started off putting space between them. It felt kinda uncomfortable.

Also, major props to the Druck team for making Jonas play the guitar, which is clearly something the actor does in real life, and not a skater just because original Jonas/Marlon Langeland was a skater. I like when they can adapt the characters to the actors’ strengths.

The Jonas actor is doing a great job of conveying his hurt, and not just because he has a guitar to air out his sads and to use whenever words aren’t enough. Hanna too - she looks still and like a shell of herself as he questions her entire character.

Nice detail about Hanna suddenly being into the bands Jonas likes, as a way to add support to the “she doesn’t have her own opinions” line of development.

This scene really got across the theeeeme/message and showed how hurt they both were - of course it’s not nice for Jonas to say that, but you can tell he’s genuinely confused and torn about what she’s doing and he’s not just saying it to lash out at her, and of course Hanna is devastated because it always hurts to be told you don;t have your own personality, plus Jonas just laid out the reasoning in front of her.

Clip 4 - Menstrual message

Lol, not that this is funny in context, but I think Hanna’s the only Eva who throws the note in the trash instead of dropping it on the floor? Good for her, that way no hapless janitor or other student has to come across someone’s period blood in the hallway. Though I certainly get the instinct to drop it, I mean ... ewww.

(By the way, am I the only one who has questioned whether this letter, in any/all iterations, was really written in menstrual blood? Not that I would interact with the letter long enough to find out, if it were me, but is it possible it’s just paint or something and was called “period blood” just to get some extra intimidation for Hanna?)

They kept in this conversation with Kiki which is good, though she doesn’t clarify that she’s left the party because she thinks the girls hate her. I think if you didn’t know the plot, you could assume even worse of Kiki and think that maybe she quit to rid herself of the girls, the school slut and the scary Muslim. Her departing lines to Hanna do feel rather brusque.

Clip 5 - Matteo trying to do damage control

The music sounded a little upbeat for what’s supposed to be a low moment for Hanna, though the lyrics are melancholy. But it cracked me up that Matteo’s presence was announced by what sounded like a skateboard and yet Matteo did not appear to have a skateboard.

I love that they have this conversation in person, though. Matteo sought her out to sit down and tell her that it’s unfair everyone hates her so much. Even though, you know … he caused it. But I think it’s a mark of how much he regrets his actions already.

I noticed he did the trademark Isak reptilian lip-licking at one point. Common enough gesture but I am always gonna associate it with that duplicitous Norwegian.

Matteo’s message didn’t seem to sink in during the conversation as much, with Hanna getting frustrated more than anything, but it’s great that he tells her it’d be a pity if she left right before he leaves.

Clip 6 - Hanna, Leonie, and Jule

We didn’t get the scene with the older girls, or with Mia/Amira telling Hanna that it was Leonie who hooked up with Sam. I guess because Leonie didn’t actually hook up with Sam in this version. Actually, it’s great that Hanna confronts Leonie without using the knowledge that Leonie made out with Sam as leverage; she just does it on her own in order to make her school situation more bearable.

Also, there’s no incentive for how the situation will impact the other girls, neither Hanna nor the other girls think the rest of the school is retaliating against them all for their association with Hanna. It’s just Hanna acting independently. Kudos.

As with the Jonas scene, we have Leonie sitting down against the wall closed off to what Hanna’s going to say, and Hanna at first puts distance between them but later tries to lessen it. This time a little more successfully.

Hanna talks about how at her old school she was the “fat girl that everyone bullied” - that adds a lot of pain to her backstory. In OG it was that when Eva switched schools, no one wanted to talk to her because of her accent and Ingrid was nice to her, I don’t recall any talk of bullying prior to that. This detail makes Hanna’s situation even worse. Especially if you think about she was planning to switch schools again this episode, and that this would be the second time she has switched schools due to bullying. At least I think that’s implied although she could have switched schools the first time due to a mundane reason, like moving. But it would also add some extra weight to Matteo’s talk about running away when things get difficult, and support why she would choose to confront Leonie on her own like this.

This is a pretty stark conversation with the lack of accompanying emotional music and the echo from the mostly empty room. Everything comes from Hanna baring her soul, basically.

Lol, Leonie just gets up and leaves at the end, which is fine, I guess. She’s not chased out by Jule about to beat her ass. Hanna discovers on her own that it was Jule who sent the threat letter, so good for her for connecting the dots.

Unfortunately they rushed this conversation with Jule, although at least they got the right points, with Hanna saying that she didn’t know Samuel had a girlfriend but apologizing for it anyway, and pointing out that it isn’t fair for Jule to be mad at her but not him. It was definitely disappointing that Jule wasn’t humanized that much, though, and that she walks away still having a chip on her shoulder, plus the reveal that it was Matteo felt forced.

I do love this closing song (”Devil’s Whisper” by Raury). A great RUN BOY RUN song to lead into Hanna realizing she needs to throttle Matteo.

General Comments

It’s too bad that they left out some very strong parts of the source material. For example, the older girls giving their wisdom to Hanna aren’t there at all, though I can see how with the changed context why it might have been hard (why would the older girls give a shit about ostracizing the kids working security at their party). Also Jule just doesn’t get the amount of time necessary to make us feel better about her. I think Druck has done a decent job of some of the Girl Power moments and those probably would have been executed well if giving the right amount of time.

Tbh this episode is full of material where that lays out for me why it’s good to have younger actors in these roles. They make so many mistakes and there are such little moments of hurt and frustration, and it just seems more real when you can fully absorb that these are kids.

I don’t speak German, so if I misunderstood something, feel free to correct me.

If you got this far, thank you for reading!

#druck reactions

15 notes · View notes

brokenhayatim · 4 years ago

Text

exhale

idk how long this is gonna be but it goes a little something like this. you ever been so afraid of failing that you just procrastinate and avoid for so long? each day you tell yourself you’ll finally suck it up and push through but the fear and anxiety are almost so paralyzing you don’t even wanna go near the task.

i’s just been months..like maybe even five at this rate. i tell myself to start the clock the day i graduated but i know the truth. the last year-ish was my idkwhatimdoingwithmylifeohmygod era and i just thought i passed it with a bit more advice and options. but it’s like it was all almost pretty bubbles and they just popped so long ago that i’m lost and confused and afraid and nervous and all of that is so ridiculous, it embarrasses me. i’m not really that lazy but i say it to try and explain alot, i think. or i say that i’m just relaxing or something, when i know everyday my thoughts are always on this same thing and never being good enough to get through the rut. it wasnt till i was on a walk, voice memo-ing a friend and the anxiety just peeked through a bit and i was hearing my own thoughts aloud like ....thats true? and i’m told to not be afraid and to just let whatever happens happen if it’s best for me and i know that but i also dont?

everyday i constantly think about deleting every single social media app i’m on bc i feel this heavy weight of uselessness and incompetence. why couldn’t i have learned things like this person or been more out there like that person?what’s wrong with me? and i begin to rationalize it with my childhood and how i was raised and it never is fulfilling. it’s constantly not enough, nothing about me is. i’m not creative at all and what i can do, so many can do better and so why would anyone actually pick me? even the things and issues i’m passionate about, what do i really know? even my knowledge seems so below average and it’s confusing and stressful. i feel like if someone asked me a question about anything right now that i’ve just forgotten everything important and couldn’t even articulate a proper response. and i wanted to be an activist??? since i have to interview for jobs online now bc the pandemic it’s made me so nervous. i feel most in my element during in person interviews and i say that as someone that’s also awkward and nervous in the room. but i’m more anxious of the constant string of rejections i know i’m gonna receive now bc i can barely speak english and there’s nothing special about me at all. at least in person, i can smile and make it less weird. and i connect so much better that way, which loosens me up .000009% more. it’s really babyish i guess bc everyone is adjusting and i’m just not. and i thought i was with everything but i guess i really wasnt. and coming home everytime makes me fall back into this person i dont like ad i get so sluggish (my sister says its the trauma) and i dont know bc one day she’s waking up in florida and being a good semi productive human and the next she’s back in new york and its many low days and nerves. honestly the way this house sucks the life out of me, i dont even think i’d be good at any remote job. it’s kinda the reason half my brain is pushing the dead part bc i want to leave. be more self-sufficient and alone again. but where and how, you know? obvs im gonna need a job for that. it’s just this domino effect and i’m scared to push the first one and it’s annoying and i hate it goddaammit. the moment i came home, i just have always felt unworthy and other to my family. like they don;t care, like they’re not proud, like i’ve done nothing these past years and that’s my fault for not being an open book like the rest.

i’m gonna have to edit this bc i will not remember 87 months worth of pandemic thoughts into this post right now but. i tell myself i came home and decided to take a break for a bit, or focused on my health and appointments, but really..i dont know. i think i say it to justify all these hollow days of disappointment, which it never does. i’m afraid to ask for help or even a nice job recommendation from my last employer bc all i can think about is that it’s been months and what have i been doing this whole time? and i think they’ll ask that or think ??? now ??? and i get in my head. i know its not illogical and the worst anyone can say is no and yada yada but ugh this is why i hate my mind and just overthinking ... or not thinking?? who knows. i’m constantly letting myself down but .., i dont want anyone to know that. does that make sense. maybe i have this need to be superficial and make my life seem so nice and good and right bc i never see myself as that and i worry of people’s opinions and crave affirmations.

the first appt i had coming home was my neurosurgeon one and my dad and him sort of just had this rushed timeline in their heads of how i would go into the ER one day soon and bam its done. i didnt wanna think about that so i tried to focus on my job stuff .. then got stressed so i just started scheduling the appointments i needed. then stopped and did more work stuff. then the secretary called me like ???? u havent done these exams yet and i was like yeah uhhh. bc when i do them it’s one step closer to doing the surgery and i know i want the surgery i’m just getting in my head again and don’t want it to be now. my sister told me to make sure i let her know when i choose a date and i was like mhm i wanna finish the job stuff and get my life sorted first and she was just ???? what ?? this is clearly more important. but here’s the kicker. i went on a walk the other day and just cried coming to terms with it all bc honestly i still dream of not making it out alive and a part of me thinks, at least if i did this one thing right and found a job and all that, that it would okay what happens next. like at least i was successful in that one thing. i think about how unworthy and unproud i am of myself and for months now, just felt like this would be a beautifully cowardice way out. and i think about the after, and cant even imagine strong devastation and sorrow. is that strange? like i expect everyone to just go on. bc i’m a simple buffer with no real purpose left. i walk and think about dreams and hopes and what i would miss and just one thing that make me call this entire fantasy completely insane and i just draw blank. so i cry because, of course. this fantasy isn’t new either, since last year i’ve been speaking to my therapist and writing about it. we would speak of suicide and i always respond like that’s a huge no bc of my religion but i say, i think about if something went wrong and that was it, how i want it to be like that. take the pressure, take the blame, take it all off me in a way. and some days i’m scared that i’ll wake up in the hospital bed after and be in pain and coddled and annoyed by the attention i’m only getting bc of that pain. and i dont want you to be here just because of the pain but i feel like you’re here only because of that. that you came, that you’re seeing me, that you care only because of it. so what am i without it? just back to nothing? the headaches were lonely but i feel less lonely with this diagnosis, like i have something good about me, worthy about me. something that makes me important to someone, even if it’s the neurologist that wants my money. to be real, i dont even think i care about the pain leaving as much as the fact that i can’t label myself as this person with chronic pain. like even if i was cured and oo lala all better, a part of me would still want to have this neuro condition. like ?? i was thinking: imagine beating cancer and feeling better but wanting to say .. and then realized the key difference. with that you survive, you are survivor. even if it’s gone that who you are. when this leaves me, i’m nothing and i’ll just go back to being nothing. no one says u survived brain surgery or survived a brain condition. it’s just done and forgotten. there’s nothing exciting about my life other than my mri visits i swear. i decided to do the surgery bc it would be stupid of me not to, and i’m still holding back, still unsure of even a set month. i just know i didnt want to follow covid rules of 1 visitor bc i know it would be one of my parents and i would jump out the window myself. but covid isnt rlly going away so is that the best excuse i have? i havent thought past these appointments and its almost like im doing it all for the wrong reasons, like enjoying it rather than wanting it to help me. i dont know.

unrelated but a song that always makes me cry and is actually the song i was listening to when i had that panic attack on the plane: finally by james arthur around 2:30. always brings out the hollowness in me hm.

**** i’m coming back to this but i got all my plaguing thoughts outish so

#asiya's thoughts

0 notes

eenefangirlanalysis · 7 years ago

Text

Jimmy is accidentally found out as May complains how her sisters are such fashion hogs.

“PLEASE! DON”T HURT ME!” Jimmy pleads upon being found out.

“Looks like someone left something in their pocket!”

It’s strange to see May act this way.

I honestly thought she changed and was going to explore more of her independent side.

Some fans wouldn’t consider Hanky Panky Hullabaloo canon. With Sarah and Jimmy being fairies, and the events from the episode are never brought up again. The only reason we know that it was a canon episode is Edd’s Valentine to Eddy is seen in May I Have This Ed.

May has always stalked the Ed’s. I feel this is rather out of character for her. She’s the funny, dim-witted and kind one of her trio. Like Ed.

Since the Kanker’s have agreed to back off the Ed’s letting the boys come to them that doesn’t mean they give other characters a free card. The Ed’s have made an impact on their life. Their message doesn’t register fully in their heads. If they want to show the Ed’s they have changed and have become more mature and trust worthy then they should treat the world differently.

The world hasn’t treated the Kanker’s right. The kids are the world. That’s why they capture them.

Marie points out that its ‘what’s his face’.

The Kanker’s have never made an effort to learn the names of the neighborhood kids. They even refer to Jonny as this in one episode.

What point would it have made? The girls don’t like the kids. They lead a different life from them. Since the kids aren’t accepting towards different lifestyles the Kanker’s find it pointless to even make a friendship with them.

How often were/are the girls bullied? It must have affected them to the point where they only want to hang out with each other. They’ve moved multiple times never having a chance to get to know anybody. And their mother never encouraged making friendships. I think she’s scared to let her daughters out into the world because the biological fathers may have abused them. The Kanker’s Mom never had a positive impact on the world.

The Kanker’s Mother is one of my favorite of the parents in the eene world. She is a hard working strong willed woman trying to keep a roof over her three daughters. She has made mistakes but learned to overcome them instead of living in the past. The may not have steered her daughters in the right direction but she always taught them to stand up for themselves.

The girls surround Jimmy as if they’re predators lurking over the kill.

This use of POV shots, or above shots as I call them, really sells that unsettling feeling. You’re trapped with three girls who have had quite a history in your neighborhood. And now you have no idea what they’re going to do to you.

May decides that they should call Jimmy, ‘Dutch’.

The name Dutch mainly abbreviates to a dutch man. According to TheNameMeaning.com Dutch has become a popular baby boy name as of recently. Around 2010. When Big Picture Show was released.

“A little far from home aren’t you, dutch?”

May believes ‘Dutch’ could use a diaper change as she forced him to lie down on the ground.

TW: Kanker’s Raping the Ed’s Theories [Can Skip if you Want]

Oh, this is so unsettling. I know there have been multiple fan theories which have stated that the Kanker’s may have raped the Ed’s. No matter how unsettling they are such as Lee trapping Eddy in the shower while both are fully clothed, trapping them in a shed, and locking them in the girls bathroom I have never been given the feeling that they have ever raped them.

I can easily see these scenarios as something their mother would have done at their age. Their mother raised them better then that. She has learned from her own mistakes. And I also think the girls are not who they show themselves to the world as. They have only kissed the Ed’s several times on their face.

The girls don’t care about their image. They must know what rumors fly around about them. I think they’d rather remain anonymous to the world with little social contact. It’s a tough argument to consider but the Kanker’s have never raped the Ed’s.

Each Kanker has a different intention on their use with Jimmy.

May pretends that Jimmy is a baby. She puts him in a diaper gently rocks him.

I get a more motherly vibe off May. She wants to one day get married and have children. This scene still inspects how May is trying to express her independent side. Although I theorized before they she may have been making new friends I think it’s been for her socially. She’s still been trying.

Lee’s intention is to date Jimmy.

I’ve noticed that Lee’s views on man aren’t the healthiest.

Remember in Nagged to Ed where each Kanker drew a picture on their depiction of what their relationship would look like with each Ed? Lee’s automatically skips the first date, dating, and goes right to a wedding.

Lee was the first born. I believe that the Kanker’s Mother was seventeen or close to it when she had Lee. And then in only two years Marie and May are born. Lee had to witness her mother trying to get her life together as she moved from house to house, boyfriend to boyfriend, and multiple fights. Out of the sisters Lee knows how to stand up for herself. She’s practically the mother. And she plays the leader.

Lee and Eddy have more in common then they think. May and Marie look up to Lee. They hardly think for themselves. Similar to Eddy wants Ed and Edd to take the leadership roles May and Marie have a heroic moment where they hold their sister back. You’ll know this moment when we get to it.

I never noticed how Jimmy disgustingly sticks out his tongue upon being so close to Lee.

Like Edd, Jimmy also has germaphobic tendencies. He likes everything organized and clean. Look at his room. It would be similar to Edd’s without all the labels glued everywhere.

She cutely sticks her foot up believe Jimmy wants a date.

Lee wants to date a nine years old?

I remember a theory in which stating they head canoned Lee to be sixteen. They deemed the head canon too unsettling because Lee has a crush on a boy who is subsequently four years younger then her. That theory is proved here. Maybe she’s teasing but this moment gives off the aspect that she would date someone much younger then her.

Which brings us to the topic of how Lee would never have a healthy relationship.

Yes, we get that Lee is disgusting.

I could have gone without seeing this very close shot of Lee with... leftovers in her teeth. The storyboard artists do a lot of close ups in this movie.

Close up - An intimate view or examination of something.

This definition goes along very well with how we’re examining the characters action in Big Picture Show. They’re all wearing masks. As time goes along they’re starting to open up their true selves to the world.

As I was saying Lee will never be in a healthy relationship. She doesn’t want to be the one who is taking orders. She’d rather be in charge. Lee is a very intimidating person to begin with. She’s secretive.

One of the reasons why fans have not been able to get to know Lee very well is because she hides her eyes. Eyes are the most important aspect about a person. They tell all. I think Lee may feel uncomfortable about herself or the way she has to live her life. So, she hides. We’ll also come to another theory later on.

As for Marie she doesn’t see Jimmy as a baby. And she states that her man doesn’t need to give her flowers.

He just needs to do her chores.

Marie is the most under written out of the character sisters. Fans like her because of her punk chick look. Don’t let that look fool you because she is a much different person on the inside.

She wants to date Edd, a gentle, book nerd.

I actually like the ship EddMarie. I could see a relationship working out between them some day. I think Marie is hiding many hidden talents and interests about herself. I think one of her favorite past times is reading as seen in the background of one of the school episodes.And one of my favorite head canons that has become popular over time as that Marie loves music.

Marie wanting the guy to do her chores suggests that she wants to have a job while having a stay at home husband.

She wants to explore herself.

I have made a connection to the movie Inside Out in the past.

Remember ‘The Cool Girl’? Fear runs her console. She’s constantly on edge believe that people are going catch on to her act and see that she is only faking. Marie’s punk look is her way of being intimidating and make the world back off. The girls don’t want anybody to find out about how they live their life. The last thing they want is for people to feel bad for them.

The girls act as if there nothing wrong with their life. And there isn’t. We can live our lives however way we want. We have to be happy. The girls have one another, their mother, a roof over their heads, and they’re at least trying to explore the world. A they experience change.

I love this about the girls. They may not be people who we can look up to but viewers can learn.

The girls fight over Jimmy stretching him out.

Jimmy’s lucky this is a cartoon world.

As Jimmy cries out that he getting stretch marks his pants rip revealing his underwear.

Another unsettling aspect of the girls nature.

“I JUST WANTED TO SEE ED, EDD, n EDDY GET CLOBBERED!”

Fun Fact: Only mention of Edd’s real name in the movie. Honestly, I really wish they could have used his real name more. Like whenever Eddy was along with Edd. In the first episode it looked as if they were setting it up that Eddy only called Edd by his real name when Ed wasn’t around. It would have been a perfect reminded that this is Edd’s name as fans forget about that.

The girls let go trapping Jimmy’s whole body in his retainer.

Positioning themselves in the same way the Ed’s do that in their opening theme song the Kanker’s question on what Jimmy refers to with their boyfriends.

27 notes · View notes

stylo-xx · 8 years ago

Text

Eyes Closed (M)

G-Dragon: Angst/Small amount of fluff/Eventual smut

PART 2-A: The One About The Night Before

A/N: Crap sorry it’s so late you guys, I was trying to edit as fast as I could I swear! But if there are typos my bad lmao Anyway I feel like this one is a bit short but I hope you enjoy nonetheless!

P.S. Part 2-B should be out some time tomorrow.

(Part One)||(Part Two-B)

I woke up with a jolt and a cold sweat, feeling like the entire room was still spinning; physically feeling like I got hit by an eighteen wheeler. I brushed some of the mess of hair from my face and through half lidded eyes I tried to look around the room to make sure I didn't end up in some stranger’s place; thankfully for my dignity I wasn’t but unfortunately for my ego, I wasn’t.

“Ugh what time is it?” I groaned reaching for my phone on the nightstand. Fumbling around the nightstand the only thing my hand was met with was the touch activated lamp that blinded me with a bombardment of light. “Argh no!” I threw my arm across my face. I frantically hurried to shut off the lamp that felt like it was emitting the rays from the sun. Only managing to open one eye I looked around for my phone and discovered it was strewn on the floor with a mess of clothes and shoes. I groaned again not wanting to leave the comfort of the bed, I outstretched my hand nearly falling off the bed and quickly nabbed my phone and hauling myself back into my previous position under the covers. Pressing the home button to my phone I again was greeted with a flash bomb of light and covered my face with my hand; slapping myself in the process. Still adjusting to the light I peeked through my fingers desperately looking to find the time. ‘2:00 p.m. fuck’ With my phone unlocked I went wide eyed, ‘Shit, shit, shiiiit’ I thought; I had 17 missed calls and 10 voicemails from Saige. Looking for some kind of answer I scrolled through her text messages that only seemed to get more and more aggressive the further I scrolled along.

‘Alex where the hell did you go?’ <received 1:44 am>

‘Itsf o k im with djsaho’ <sent 1:52 am>

‘Ok bitch you are waaaaaaay too fucked up, where are you?’ <received 1:52 am>

‘Urd th e bitc yo bcht’ <sent 1:55 am>

‘I’m being serious Alex, if the paparazzi or some douche bag from the internet get a picture of you like this we are royally screwed’ <received 1:55 am>

‘Dnt wrry Gbe okie’ <sent 1:56 am>

‘Dont do this to me McMahon, WHERE ARE YOU????’ <received 1:56 am>

‘Byiii cee yu ntx wek’ <sent 1:57 am>

‘Wtf do you mean see you next week???’ <received 1:57 am>

‘Alex?’ <received 1:59 am>

‘HELLO?!’ <received 2:01 am>

‘ANSWER YOUR PHONE I KNOW YOU KEEP DECLINING THE CALL’ <received 2:05 am>

‘I swear to God when I see you I am going to kick your ass’ <received 2:06 am>

‘AND WHO TF IS DJ SAHO?! YOU SAID YOU WERE DONE WITH DATING DJS’ <received 2:06 am>

‘Oh my God Alexandra PLEASE JUST ANSWER YOUR PHONE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO TELL ME WHERE YOU ARE’ <received 2:10 am>

‘Ok somebody told me you went home with someone, for your sake I hope it was Jesus and not that DJ Saho or whatever’ <received 2:15 am>

‘Open the door! You know I can hear you and DJ what's his face laughing!’ <received 2:30 am>

‘I don't care that we are staying at the Palace Hotel Alexandra. I WILL break down this door if you don’t open up!’ <received 2:32 am>

‘OPEN THE DOOR’ <received 2:33 am>

‘No oo itd coolr ift yo u berki t don’ <sent 2:33 am>

‘I SWEAR TO GOD’ <received 2:34 am>

‘Fine see if I care when you end up on the cover of some Korean tabloid and Ji-Yong finds out you're here’ <received 2:36>

‘wh att’ <sent 2:36>

‘Good night Alex :)))’ <received 2:37>

Re-reading the last exchanges between us my heart felt like it started beating so fast that it was bound to burst right out of my chest any second. ‘Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuuuuuuuuuuck. How could I have been so stupid?!’ I thought to myself. Normally I’d say I don't care but that is far from where I am mentally. Suddenly I was brought out of my thoughts by a loud knocking on my door. Still paranoid with the thought of J-him seeing me I climbed out of bed and approached the door carefully. The closer I got to the door the more anxious I became; that mixed with the killer hangover that hit me like a ton of bricks was quite possibly the worst combination of things that could happen at a time like this. The knocking started to feel like the noise was pounding against my skull, wanting to rid myself of this monstrous beating on my brain I opened the door without hesitation. Only to be met with the last person I would ever think would show up at my door.

“Alex?” he raised an eyebrow.

“Tim?” I reciprocated.

“Jesus H--no offence but Saige wasn’t kidding when she said you might look like you crawled out of Hell this morning”

I clenched my jaw “Just come in before anyone else has to endure my ugly” I slammed the door shut behind him causing myself to wince at what sounded like an explosion went off in my brain.

Trailing behind him I watched him maneuver his way over the mess that was all over the floor; just clothes and shoes in different piles scattered in every square inch of the room.

“Jeez, you didn’t want to clean up first?” he said finally making it to the bed.

Too exhausted to argue I rolled my eyes and plopped back on the bed beside him.

“Man, guess you had a good night last night?” he smiled leaning back on his elbows.

“Ugh, if this is what this hangover from Hell is indicating...I wish I hadn’t” I covered my eyes with my arm “When did you get in by the way? I thought you were going to be in Japan until tomorrow? And not that I don’t love you but why are you here in the first place?”

He chuckled “To answer your questions: I got in about three hours ago, I had a change of plans aaand Saige sent me on a recon mission”

“Why?”

“She said and I quote ‘Dear God Tim would deal with her because I can’t take her after last night’ end quote” He chuckled again “Also seeing as two of my best friends just got here the night before and one of them was already causing trouble I decided that spending time with that girl in Japan was not really worth it…”

I uncovered my eyes with a gasp “Oh my God, you are such a jerk--”

“Relax” he put up his hand “whatever we had between us wasn’t really going anywhere anyway. I think she really just wanted to be with me so she could say she was with me. Seeing as who I hang out with nowadays, it's getting harder and harder to figure out who wants to hang out with me for me and not for ‘Tim Drake, the DJ who so happens to be signed to Seungri’s music label so that must mean he is friends with BigBang’. I mean they’re not wrong, I am friends with them but still it the principle of the thing” he rolled his eyes.

Merely looking at his face I could tell he was genuinely hurt, he was one of the nicest and most sincere people I have ever met and just knowing that my selfish wish somewhat came true made my heart hurt.

“I mean I guess that’s what you get for being such a hot shot DJ with an attractive everything to match” I said trying to make light of the situation.

“Shut up” he laughed “By the way, are you just gonna chill in your underwear the entire time or are you gonna put on a robe?”

I looked down at my bra “Tim it’s not like it's the first time you've seen me in my underwear. I think we are past that point in our friendship”

“I mean I don’t have a problem, I just don’t want you to think I’m being a perv” he said sincerely.

“I would never” I jokingly gasped and placed a hand on his shoulder “Anyway, tell me about your new life here: How do you like it? How’s it been? Besides that girl, how is your love life here? You know all that good stuff” I rolled over on my side to face him.

“Its been..good?”

“That doesn’t sound too convincing Timmoth” I squinted my eyes at him.

He let out a small laugh “No I’m serious! Everything's been great so far, minus the whole ‘love life’ thing” he air quoted.

“So does that mean you and Chaerin still haven’t talked?” I rested my head on my arm.

“Yes, that means I still haven’t talked to Chaerin. Honestly I don’t think that’ll ever happen. I mean I invited her to my party so the only thing I can do now is wait and see if she decides to show up. But I’m not going to be completely heartbroken if she doesn't, at this point I’m used to getting the short end of the stick with her” he sighed.

“She’ll show I’m sure of it, if there is one thing that sticks with you after breaking up with your boyfriend no matter how long ago it was you always remember those tiny details about them. She, I’m sure, is no different”

“Don’t even get my hopes up” he playfully pushed my shoulder “Alright enough about my lackluster love life, what about you huh? I’ve only heard about your rendezvous through what people tag me in on twitter”

I rolled on to my back again staring up at the ceiling “Ugh. I’ll just say it’s slim pickins in LA. I seriously feel like I’ve about dated everyone in Hollywood at this point. I’m just so bored with everyone there, Saige suggested we move to Manhattan for a while to get a change of scenery and...men”

He let out another small laugh “Orrr”

“Or what?” I turned my head to face him.

“Or you could come move here and not only would have a complete change of scenery but you’d get to be with me and also an entire new buffet of men to choose from” he wiggled his eyebrows “Ya know” he cleared his throat “I happen to know one or two, single, billionaire musical geniuses that--”

“Ha-ha very funny” I interjected “don’t even go there Tim”

“Oh come on Alex!” he put a hand on my shoulder “You’re gonna see him this weekend anyway, why prolong the inevitable?!”

I brushed his hand off my shoulder.

“Okay, okay I take it you’re still mad at me about me not telling you that he was coming until you were on your flight over here, but what was I supposed to do? If i had told you earlier you would have either A) not come at all or B) run out of the airport and go AWOL again!” he scrunched up his eyebrows.

I took and deep breath and looked away from him.

“And I couldn’t just not invite him when all of the other guys were going to be there, that would have looked super shady on my part. Besides I know you two have your issues, that you still refuse to tell anyone why you guys broke up about in the first place, but he’s also a homie”

I turned back to glare at him “Okay well then why don’t you marry him then if he such a good homie?”

“Very mature” he stuck out his tongue “look you and I both know I love you more than anyone in the entire universe, but you also gotta understand he and I are still cool. He’s also one of the biggest musical influences here and I’d really rather not get on his shit list”

“Are you just doing this because you want me to talk to him?” I raised an eyebrow “What about girl code? If I hate someone you hate them right back, you don’t just hang out with them like it’s nothing and twiddle your thumbs up each other's asses!”

“First off, ouch how dare you say I broke girl code ” he pretended to act hurt “And secondly, I didn’t just do this because I wanted you two to talk...well actually that’s partially it...but that’s not the point! What matters is that we all enjoy ourselves this weekend and celebrate not only my day of birth but also my first album finally dropping; all while making sure it is completely drama free for everyone involved” he smiled.

I crossed my arms and let out a big sigh.

“Besides, I think after last night you don’t need anymore drama to be broadcasted out for the world to see”

I sat up quickly “W-what do you mean?”

“Oh, you haven’t seen?” he sat up with a concerned look on his face “Well ummm...here let me show you”

‘Oh God, Saige was right why didn’t my drunk ass just listen to her?!’ I thought to myself. ‘Oh man she really is gonna kick my ass when she sees me…’

Tim, taking out his phone pulled up some news article that held embarrassing pictures of my drunk self with some guy. Thankfully most all of them were grainy and the pictures were kind of dark, all except for one.

“What.the.f--” I let out a blood curdling scream.

“Hyung, don’t get me wrong I just don’t think this is a good idea” Seungri tried for the thousandth time to pull Young-Bae back by his arm. “I already told you, we at least have to make sure he’s alive” Young-Bae said undeterred by the maknae’s actions “What are you so afraid of?” “And I already told you, if Ji-Yong Hyung is even possible of being conscious he is going to be pissed that we woke him up just to see if he’s still living and have us maimed!” the younger man pulled on his Hyung’s shoulder.

The older man simply smiled “Not me”

“Oh must be nice being the golden star best friend! In case you haven’t noticed, Ji-Yong Hyung loves to show me gestures of his affection by inflicting nothing but pain on me and therefore gaining some kind of sick pleasure from hurting me!”

The older man stopped in his tracks causing the maknae to slightly bump into him “Seungri we’ve all been friends for longer than ten years, don’t you think if he actually wanted you dead he would have done it by now?” he smiled and continued walking.

Seungri stuck in the spot that he stood thought before he spoke “You know that’s not actually very reassuring!” he called after his Hyung.

Young-Bae now at the end of the hallway shot Seungri another smile but this one evoking an eye smile along with it. The maknae picked up his pace and swifty jogged to the older man’s position. Both now staring down the door to Ji-Yong’s condo they both were thinking about the repercussions of actually waking the dragon. Young-Bae not wanting to take the first blow pushed the younger man in front of him.

“Well go ahead, knock on the door” he gestured with his hand.

Seungri dramatically pointed to himself “Me? You want me to knock on the door?”

The older man nodded.

“Hyung were you not listening to anything I was saying back there?” he stared at Young-bae incredulously “Wow. you all must really want me out of BigBang, well it was nice knowing you”

“Yah” the older man smacked him behind the head “Don’t be so melodramatic and knock on the door would you? And besides we can't afford to lose you. You're too important”

The younger man rubbed the back of his head “Wah. do you mean that Hyung?”

“Yea if we lose you then who else are we going to pick on? Dae-Sung? Not on your life” he said with a smug smile on his face.

The maknae looked to the heavens and closed his eyes, cursing at his Hyungs in his head; the only place he was safe to do so.

“Yah!” another smack to the back of the head “Quit being a dick in your thoughts and knock on the damn door!”

Seungri went wide eyed; guess he wasn’t so safe in his own mind after all. He shakily raised his fist in the air toward the ever menacing black door. What laid beyond that threshold could either be a nice Ji-Yong welcoming them into his home or the actual Ji-Yong who was going to rip Seungri a new one for waking him. The maknae took a deep breath before he gave three small knocks.

“Hyung?” he whispered.

Young-Bae side eyed him “What human being in your right mind is going to be able to hear that?” The older man grabbed a hold of the maknae’s fist and raised it to pound on the door.

“No, Hyung wait!”

With not even a full knock, the door swung wide open. As if it were some cartoon, the two stuck both their heads over the threshold and looked inside.

“Hello?” they said in unison.

The two stood up straight and began to walk over the threshold at the same time only to get halted by squashing into each other. The older man glared at the maknae and shoved his shoulder to get by. Seungri merely rubbed his shoulder and closed the door behind him. Looking around the living room gave no impression of anyone actually living there, everything was perfectly in its place making it look like it was some kind of eerie museum. “Ji-Yong-ah?” Young-Bae called out peeking into every doorway. Seungri having already accepted his fate decided to go rifle around his Hyung’s things in his living room; picking up a sculpture here, touching a nicknack there, leaving fingerprints on his vinyl records...whoops, breaking off a piece of said sculpture. “Yah” Young-Bae called out to him. The maknae quickly put down the abstract sculpture and shoved the broken piece behind some books on the bookshelf. He looked to his Hyung who was whispering ‘he’s in there’ and pointing to the door that was left ajar. Again as if the two were in some Scooby-Doo cartoon, they carefully tiptoed into the sleeping man’s room. There sprawled out all over the bed, with half of the sheets and comforter dangling off the bed, was the sleeping form of their best friend. With his mouth parted and a slight trail of drool coming out of his mouth Ji-Yong let out a loud snore that startled the maknae causing him to step back onto a squeaky cat toy; Young-Bae slapped him on his shoulder. “Yah! Are you trying to to get us killed?!” he whispered loudly. “I thought you said you had nothing to worry about!” Seungri loudly whispered back. “I don’t! I’m just worried about you” the two of them continued their whisper argument only to be startled again. “Yah! If you two are done pretending like I can’t hear you, you can both kindly get the fuck out” Ji-Yong lifted his head up sleepily. “Sorry” the other two said in unison. “What do you even want at this hour?” he said plopping his head back into his sea of pillows and tangled bed sheets. “It’s three in the afternoon” they said again in unison. Ji-Yong dazedly lifted his head again looking toward his window “No it's not there’s no sun” Walking to the window Young-Bae pulled the curtains back “that's because you live like a vampire and have black out curtains “ “Yah!” Ji-Yong struggled to bury himself under his sheets “What are you trying to kill me?!” “Ok enough” the dreaded man walked to his bedside “we dealt with your drunk ass last night, it's all been fun and games but now it’s time to wake the fuck up” he pulled him by the only foot that was sticking out of the covers. Ji-Yong clawing at his bed like a cat protested. “Come on man just get up!” “Do we have a photoshoot?” he asked in a muffled voice with his face firmly planted onto the mattress. “No?” “Music video shoot?” “No?” “An interview?”

“No?”

“A record to write?”

“No, Ji-Yong why--” “Then I have no good reason be even be conscious” he said taking his foot back “ “Seriously man come on, Seungri and I--” “Seungri?” Ji-Yong quickly lifted his head and snapped it in in their direction. “Yea Seungri, who the hell else did you think I was arguing with?” “I don’t know Young-Bae, I’ve stopped questioning the voices” The other two glanced at each other raising an eyebrow. The dazed man rubbed his face with his hand “Ok I’ll bite, why the fuck are you here?” “Because you can’t keep living like this! I hardly get to see you when we’re not on tour or doing some kind of press junket or variety show, even then we pretend like everything is all ok when it’s not. All you do is drink yourself stupid, complain while you're drunk, smoke so much that I swear one of these days you’re going to need an iron lung support or something! It’s like the Kwon Ji-Yong I grew up with doesn’t even exist anymore!” Ji-Yong pursed his lips “Tsk. What are you my girlfriend all of a sudden? Get in line you're not the only one who noticed. Any other complaints or can I just go back to sleep?” The dreaded man let out a heavy sigh “Pfft. yea right we’d all know where that would go real fast…” he said under his breath. “What was that?” he threw off the covers hopping off the bed and walking to square up to his best friend. Seungri, having been silent the entire time, noticed this was going to take a turn for the worse and intervened before any fists went flying. “Ji-Yong Hyung” He turned to glare at him. “Young-bae Hyung” he held up his hands between the two “Why don’t we just go to the kitchen and get some food and some coffee in you guys huh? We can eat a little, talk a little...not using harsh words...and just get rid of the bad energy from last night” The two older men glanced at each other “fine..” they said in unison and headed out toward the kitchen. “Hey Hyung” the maknae trailing behind the two spoke up again “Don’t you wanna maybe change out of your clothes from last night?” Ji-Yong stopped in his tracks to glare at him. “N-nevermind…” Along the way Ji-Yong stopped to boot up his laptop that was sitting on the kitchen island then made a b-line for the coffee maker and his pack of cigarettes. Young-Bae simply leaned against the furthest wall and looked down at his feet, still fuming about his little spat with his best friend. Seungri, even in everyday situations, made his way into the kitchen last. He caught a glimpse of his Hyung’s laptop screen and immediately stopped mid-step. Ji-Yong raised an eyebrow “what did some porn pop up or something?” he asked lighting his cigarette “N-no. just a picture of” he cleared his throat “Kim Tae-Hee popped up” he gave a weak smile.

The older man gave him a questioning look “Ahh ok?” and turned to ash his cigarette in the ashtray before him. His fingers slightly trembling from the actions of the previous night caused him to accidentally drop his cigarette into the sink. “Aish!” he hollered as he threw his now soggy cigarette into the bin and turned away from the other two to light another one. The maknae, wide eyed, looked to his other Hyung as a plea for help. Trying to subtly beg the dreaded man with his eyes that he needed him to distract Ji-Yong while he closes out of the webpage on the laptop’s screen; needless to say his actions were lost in translation. Young-Bae not understanding what the younger man was trying to tell him raised an eyebrow and mouthed ‘what?’, Seungri balled his fists in silent frustration and turned the screen toward his oblivious Hyung and emphatically pointed to the news article that blatantly held pictures of ‘DO NOT CALL HER’ in the arms of a man that wasn’t Ji-Yong and at the same exact club they were at the night before no less! Young-Bae went wide eyed and quickly dashed in the direction of the unsuspecting man before he could turn back around; he put his arm around his shoulder. Ji-Yong feeling suspicious about his two friend’s actions wasn't sure what to think; truthfully he didn’t want to think at all he’d much rather be back in bed ignoring everyone. The maknae glanced as his two Hyungs talked it out and as Young-Bae took it upon himself to have a death grip on Ji-Yong’s shoulder forcing him to look out the window as he poetically described the meaning of their friendship to him. Seungri acting quickly turned the laptop back toward him and carefully closed the article but not before looking at all the pictures and reading the headline. ‘Alexandra McMahon Out Partying in Seoul With Mystery Man: Keep reading for pictures below’. Oh shit he was really going to be in trouble now.

#bigbang scenarios #bigbang fanfiction #bigbang imagines #bigbang angst #gdragon scenarios #gdragon imagines #gdragon angst #gdragon smut #gdragon fanfiction #g dragon imagines #g dragon scenarios #g dragon angst #g dragon smut #g dragon fluff #jiyong scenarios #jiyong smut #jiyong angst #jiyong fluff

297 notes · View notes

theclaravoyant · 8 years ago

Note

also okay - if you're ever wanting to write more in the trans!fitz universe, i'd absolutely love to see a fic where someone on the team learns what 'nonbinary' is and decides they might be nb, and come talk to fitz about it! :) and maybe talk about fitz's experiences being trans and his view of gender and stuff like that

AN ~ awesome prompt! It was a lot of fun exploring nonbinary-ness and different experiences of gender (which is probably why this almost hit 2K!).

Disclaimer: I’m a cis woman, but I based what Fitz talks about on experiences of several trans and non binary people (from these sources as well as past research, friends, tumblr posts, etc.). I hope I have done the topic some justice!

For those not familiar with my trans!fitz universe, this fic takes place in the Bridget!verse where Fitz transitioned (FTM) from a young age. He is out only to a few select people as trans, and prefers it that way, although this fic also allows for him to be more out re: his sexuality (which is not specified in this fic, but implied to be non-straight).

As for who he’s talking to… I know they’re not part of “the team” exactly but I couldn’t resist using this opportunity to write about everyone’s favourite nb lesbian, Agent Piper!

Anyway, without further ado-

Read on AO3 (~2000wd)

Piper

Pride season was an opportunity for a splash of colour in the increasingly gloomy lives of Shield’s now-underground team. The younger Agents especially filled the base with life and vibrancy while the older ones, for whom Pride was much if not more a commemoration than a festivity, provided strength and fortitude, serving as living reminders of a whole range of struggles that could affect an Agent, and a whole range of ways of being a survivor. Pride was a light in the darkness not unlike the end of year holiday season, if directed at a smaller cohort.

Tonight, many of the Agents were preparing to drive out to a Pride Parade in a nearby city, and were donning all manner of bright colours and some of them even preparing spectacular outfits for a night on the town. Daisy had on a hot-pink sundress with platform sandals and chunky jewellery in blue, purple and silver. Jemma went for a look that somehow managed to be more subdued, in a bright canary-yellow t-shirt and black jeans, with a pink bandana tied around her neck. Fitz was stuck in his room trying to figure out what to wear that was different, but that didn’t scream a Pride flag vomited all over me, when he heard a knock at the door.

“Oh, thank God,” he sighed. “Jemma, I-“

Fitz cut himself off when he pulled the door open and saw not Jemma, but the shorter, stockier, also somewhat-bewildered-looking Agent Piper waiting for him. She was still wearing fatigues, not yet prepared for the evening’s outing, and her expression was a little too serious for Fitz’s liking.

“Um. Hi,” Fitz greeted after a moment. “Can I help you? Is something going on?”

He stuck his head further into the hallway, but Piper shook her head before he could work himself into too much of a panic.

“Nothing, it’s all good out here, I was actually wondering if I could – maybe – have a private conversation with you.”

“Okay. Sure.” Still a little unsettled, Fitz invited Piper into his and Jemma’s room. He waved a hand apologetically at the suit-jackets, feather boa, dresses, heels, and button-ups that had sprawled across the room during their preparations, but Piper seemed content to ignore them even as her eyes cast about the room a little, not quite sure how to broach the subject she’d come here to speak about.

“Sorry,” she said eventually, bringing her eyes back to Fitz as she seemed to remember she was prying in a private space. “It’s just, I know you’re not really out with it and I didn’t want to be creepy. I wanted to talk about… gender. I’ve been thinking about some stuff and Jemma sort of mentioned that you might be someone who knows something about it. If you’re not comfortable with talking to me you can send me on my way and I won’t breathe a word of it – I know how it is – but it’d be really cool if you could help me out, man.”

Fitz shrugged. “It’s alright.”

“You sure?”

“Sure.” He smiled. “Happy to help out if I can.”

“Awesome.” Piper sighed, and a lot of the tension left her body. For want of a better place to plant herself, she perched on the corner of a desk.

Fitz sat nearby, in a clear space at the edge of the bed, and waited for Piper to gather her thoughts. He hoped she wouldn’t ask too much about him. Then again, he hoped she would. If it would help. If it would maybe mean he was sharing something of himself with someone who might get it in a way that the others didn’t. He wondered what she would ask. What was questioning even like? What was it like not to wake up and know? Of course, he’d been through his own questioning period, but most of that had been forced upon him, particularly by his father’s efforts to reshape him. Inside Piper’s head, Fitz knew, there could be a whole different set of sensations going on. Legitimate questions. Questions in which politics and oppression only played a part. Questions that could be daunting, and probably moreso to a thirty-year-old mind than to a seven-year-old, who didn’t yet understand so much about the weight of the world.

“Want me to start?” Fitz offered. Piper groaned.

“God, please.”

“Do you think you’re a man?”

Piper recoiled from the suggestion, but quickly recovered.

“Sorry. But no. I don’t think so – it feels wrong. It’s just that… I’m not really sure I’m a woman either. Does that make sense? Is that possible? I mean, I’ve always been a bit of a tomboy but like… recently, it feels different somehow. It’s difficult to describe. Maybe I’m just being weird, but to be honest, it’s kind of freaking me out. I thought I’d already done the whole identity-crisis thing, you know?”

Fitz laughed a little. He could relate.

“There’s no need for a crisis. You’ll figure it out eventually. And believe me, I get the double-take. Identity is an ever-changing beast.”

“How was it for you, though?” Piper wondered. “The gender thing I mean. How did you know?”

“I don’t think I can really help you with that one, unfortunately. I’m one of those people who just always, sort of, knew. I’ve known since I was a kid. I don’t really know why. Some of it was the obvious I guess. I played with model trains and cars instead of dolls. I hated wearing dresses. Tried to cut off all my hair with scissors. I wanted a pee-pee.” He snorted. “Seven-year-old me didn’t really get into the philosophy of it all, but there must be something to it, because… well, let’s just say I went through some things that would have chased it out of me if that were possible.”

Piper nodded solemnly.

“Not all the confusion is bad though,” Fitz continued. “My mum raised me, mostly, and she did it without a lot of that masculine bravado bullshit. She taught me to be gentle, sensitive, forgiving… sometimes it felt like I was less of a guy because of that kind of stuff, and the teasing didn’t help, but in the end it gave me faith in my identity. Mum always told me there should be more guys like me. That it shouldn’t be left to the girls to be the soft ones.“

“I like your mom,” Piper put in.

“Me too.” Fitz smiled. “And honestly I think having someone who believed in me like that made it all so much easier, even though she didn’t get it entirely. She started calling me by the right pronouns – you know, he and him and all that - and even gave me a different name. Helped me transition in lots of other ways, too. I couldn’t have done it without her.”

“Oh, I don’t want to transition, either,” Piper clarified. “I’m happy with my body just the way it is. Is that – I mean, does that mean anything?”

“Not really,” Fitz explained. “I mean, for me it did. I had… I had dysphoria in a big way. Phantom body parts. Huge discomfort about my dead name and pronouns. Not every trans person gets that. Some have it the other way, actually. Euphoria, it’s called. They just feel more happy when they express as their gender, or when they’re referred to by some other name or pronouns or, you know, gendered words, even if they’re not particularly unhappy with their assigned ones.”

“See, that sounds more like me,” Piper agreed. “But can you be, like, gender-neutral trans? Or is that a different thing, I don’t know. But can you?”

“You mean like nonbinary?” Fitz suggested. “Some people think of it as trans and some don’t, but yeah, sure. It’s a thing.”

“It means you’re like, somewhere between a boy and a girl, right?” Piper speculated. “Like on the spectrum.”

“Basically,” Fitz agreed. “I mean, for some people it’s more complicated than that, and just like with sexual orientation there’s a whole bunch of subsets. Some people like the spectrum, some people go with a third non-spectrum gender, some people even prefer no gender at all. It’s up to you. I can’t really tell you which one to pick, unfortunately – I mean as far as I’m aware, we as a scientific community still don’t know what gender even is yet – but if you’re feeling like nonbinary’s an option for you, try it out. There’s no harm in a label if you’re safe and happy with it. And even if it doesn’t work out, it’s not like you’re getting in anyone’s way.”

“Really?” Piper checked. “You think I should go for it?”

Fitz held his hands up, palms out. “You don’t need my permission.”

“Can I keep my name?”

“Sure, if you’re happy with it.”

“What about that pronoun stuff?”

“Well, if it bothers you when people call you she/her, tell them so. If not, you can keep them and still be non-binary. It depends on you. If you’re looking for a more neutral pronoun, ‘they’ is getting pretty popular, relatively. There are some more obscure ones around, so Google it maybe, but if it’s not a strong point of contention for you, or none of the others really speak to you, you could try they/theirs.”

“You’re right, that does sound better,” Piper agreed, a smile breaking out across her face at last. “Thanks so much, Fitz, honestly. I feel like I’ve lined up so many things in my brain right now.”

“My pleasure.” Fitz found himself beaming too, unexpectedly broadly. He kicked his legs in glee. “Glad I could help.”

“Wait.” Piper interrupted, her tone heavier again all of a sudden and, if Fitz was not mistaken, tainted with dread. “Can I still be a lesbian, then?”

Fitz’s excitement faded a little too. With the weight Piper put on it, he could tell, this part of her identity was important to her. Painstakingly so. Handling it with care was essential, and yet, he had to walk blindly into it and do the best he could.

“Well, I don’t know,” he offered truthfully. “If someone else, if another lesbian, came to you with something like this, what would you say, d’you think?”

Piper’s eyes searched the floor, the carpet, the nose of Fitz’s dress shoes poking out from under one of Jemma’s discarded dresses. She took a deep breath.

“Well, I’m sure as hell not a man. And even if I’m not a woman exactly, I still feel pretty close to it. I’d like to think I’m enough of a woman to be a lesbian still.”

“Then there you have it, I guess. Maybe talk to the girls, they might have more to say about it, but I think that’s fair enough.”

“Cool.” Piper nodded once, and then twice more for good measure as she let it all settle in. Her eyes trailed the mess that was FitzSimmons’ room and, as the mess in her own head cleared away, she remembered why it was all there.

“Shit, we’d better get ready, hey?” she reminded Fitz. He escorted her to the door, as best he could through the widespread pig-sty.

“Again, thanks so much for the talk,” Piper continued. “It was really great. Really helpful. If you don’t mind though, can we keep it on the DL for now? Sprinkle a couple ‘they’s here and there if you could, but the other stuff, I’m still easing into it.”

“No worries,” Fitz promised. “And you know, my stuff –“

“Lock and key,” Piper promised in return. “See you tonight.”

“See you there.”

#leo fitz #agent piper #aospositivitynet #aosfic #bsquadbrigade #aosficnet2 #happy pride!#piper #piper vasquez #trans!fitz #prompt me stuff #clara's fic tag #buckysbears #aos fic

32 notes · View notes