#I do want to randomly mention that I love FFXIV's latest Ultimate Raid | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

blackberry-mochi · 6 days ago

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A soliloquy while curled up in bed, restless

I should write I don't have work tomorrow, so I should write I should write even a tiny bit Just a tiny bit Or I could sleep I could just go to sleep I want to write, but it's easier to go to sleep Do I even want to write? I think I do It's felt better in the past to write my daydreams down, instead of just dreaming endlessly Share them Express myself But that was back when I had hope and ambition I don't have any of that left in me Nothing left Just a gnawing A gnawing that's always been there, that I quieted for a time, for no good reason I should sleep I can't sleep, though Can't shut up my mind Aching all over, just from lying around Nothing to relax to Only hate and emptiness Nothing to feel okay about Only loneliness and rejection I wish I could sleep I wish I could write I wish I weren't a corpse But whatever I can complain all I want, but nobody should listen Not to an ugly leech like me I wish I were dead Too bad I'm a hypocrite

#Drank for the first time in over a year hooray #It feels really nice to teeter on the edge of blacking out #Wrote all of this as the drunk started hitting me #But after writing it all I immediately shifted to a very positive demeanor and just had a nice night #I feel sick and queasy and the taste of coffee liqueur keeps hitting me #But it was worth it I suppose #As expected I just cried so damn much while listening to music and playing one or two random games #Felt great to cry and cry when I feel so stale and empty in general #Now I wonder if I should drink again in a week #Going to start existing in one place or another in a week and #I'm really terrified of how lonely/disappointed/rejected I'll feel when I do that #Probably just going to look around for a second and then withdraw again after getting a clear indicator that I really shouldn't be around #Even though it feels really awful being withdrawn and alone #It feels awful being surrounded by people too though so there's just no winning ever #The last two lines in this random soliloquy really are all I can think about alongside that #Dying really is the only correct and possible option #Dispersing my loneliness and emptiness really isn't possible for a loser like me #Too bad I'm incompetent and can't just die #Really the worst part of all of it #Too incompetent to clean up a mess I'm responsible for etc #But whining about that is awful right #Histrionic as fuck #Anyway #I do want to randomly mention that I love FFXIV's latest Ultimate Raid #Specifically the quote “That's a little dramatic don't you think!?” immediately became one of my favorite quotes in the game #That alongside “Well... 'Tis good to be awake!” are so good #Shadowbringers was so good.......#Hate thinking about the Azem plot because I'm a loveless loser who hates almost all of the writing in FFXIV and media in general #But Shadowbringers had a lot that was pretty darn good #Meanwhile I hate Endwalker from front to back so like y'know there you go oops

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