#I do try and check regularly now tho

[strawberries-n-ships87]

If you’ve ever sent an ask I just never answered it I apologize

It has nothing to do with you I just suck lmao

[jils-things]

memoryshipping x studio ghibli: the masterpost ✨✨

see them separately: (x) (x) (x)

no need to rb!

[riotlain]

General Descendants Dating Headcannons

making my descendants debut

Your parents aren't specified in this

i find specifying it when its unnecessary lame👎👎

THIS IS A NWLNW BLOG!! WOMEN DNI

Ben Florian

True gentleman!!

Regularly gives you gifts (usually to make up for his absence if taking place in the 2-3 movies)

Tight hugger. Like fr tight

Bad at explaining his negative emotions. Like he'd work himself into the ground and deny it so try to keep him in check

Enjoys going on dates at night or just staying in

He doesnt mind either

Spoils you regularly. Like you could fr give him a shiny rock and he'll give you a gold necklace💀

If youre from the Isle he'll help you settle into Auradon and try to make it less overwhelming

Carlos Devile

Silly guy (real)

More of an acts of service guy

On the isle yall would spend time running around together or just hanging out (probably at your house. He slept in a dressing room so😭😭)

He wasn't really mean or anything so like he whenever you guys run into trouble hes more of the flight kinda guy

In Auradon though it is different!!

If youre someone from Auradon he'll be more anxious when yall first started dating. He's not used to the Auradon customs (hes the best at getting used to them tbh)

If youre from the isle then he's a but more relaxed (though hes still scared he'll mess up since yall are dating now)

Dates are usually staying in and playing video games/watching movies or study dates

Jay

Physical affection typa guy (And also verbal i suppose)

Like he always has his arm around you or just his hands on you in general

Likes kissing your neck (usually more romantic way than anything)

If you are both from the isle yall spent most dates running around and stealing shit for his dad's shop

If youre from Auradon he def flirted when yall first met (or a bit later)

Your guys' dates in Auradon is usually just hanging out in one of yalls dorms

Alot if his time on the Isle is running around so he probably enjoys relaxing for a bit

You best wear his Jersey to his tourney games

Talks about you to others alot bc he just cant shut up about you for more than an hour🙄🙄

Harry Hook

Flirty man

Physical and acts of service kinda guy

also gift giving

Like you have atleast 2 necklaces (that he stole)

If yall are from the Isle then you are probably in Uma's crew

If you arent you still gotta get her blessing. If she dont like you, you gotta go

Live, laugh, love Uma

Yall spent most of yalls time probably workin in the restaurant or just causin a ruckus on the isle

If youre from Auradon tho he probably talked to Uma and Gil about you for a bit along with some lil flirting here and there

When yalls official he may try to change up your wardrobe (unless you already enjoy your current one) You have leather gloves tho. From him🫶🫶

You 2 spend time either around the crew, in one of yalls dorms cuddling, or around Auradon causin some mischief

He def steals nice shit for you

Gil

Absolute sweetheart

Physical affection and acts of service kinda guy

And verbal affection🫶🫶

If yall 2 met on the isle then you've probably met Uma and Harry and hang around them

They def tease Gil a bit

If from Auradon he fell for you but wasn't too confident with talking to you

Like he tried to do the whole thing Gaston does but it didnt work too well for him😭😭

Yalls dates are usually by the waters, shopping, or just hanging out inside

Study dates too i guess (he will not be paying attention)

Chad Charming

Literal shmuck (loving)

Gift giving and physical affection

Like literally let him spoil you

If youre from the Isle he will be a bit weary of you

Maybe try to flirt and be all charming

But when yall actually dating hes a softy idc

If youre from Auradon yall def date alot sooner

He'd probably ask you out like whenever youre free tbh😭😭 in a smooth way tho

Yalls dates are like picnics, staying in and cuddlin, and study dates

Please come to his Tourney games and wear his joursey🫶🫶

[chrissy-kaos]

Hi 👋🏻 welcome to my blog! I’m Chrissy. I’m a 36 year old woman of transgender experience. I’ve been on HRT for 4yrs and I had BA 4/26. My story is a bit more complicated than most. I was born intersex (google it) and AMAB. I have AuDHD. For those of you that don’t know what that is. It’s Autism and ADHD. With that I also have bipolar depression. I can be a bit harsh, irrational and get irritated extremely easy. So be patient and if I offend you I’m sorry. Now that you know little about me. I have some rules for my blog. I’m sorry if you don’t like that but that’s the way it is.

IM NOT A SISSY, IM NOT YOUR FETISH

Please do not ask me for free pics. I’m happy to sell content to anyone. You can pay just like everyone else. This is how most of us pay for our transitions. It’s extremely hard and expensive.

Do not tell me what to post. This is my blog, I’ll post what I want. That means I’m not going to post overly explicit content. I’ve been threatened by staff to many times. I’m on thin ice and I don’t want to get canned.

Umm feel free to dm me. Tho keep in mind I get a lot of messages. It takes time to answer. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it. But I try. If you do want to chat

Please don’t send a dick pic. I’ll block you.

This is my main. I have a second blog, and that's @chrisssy-kaos More explicit content is posted there. You can be thirsty on that blog. I do have an onlyfans. It’s explicit content. I post regularly. If you like what you see here. You might want to check it out.

https://onlyfans.com/chrissy-kaos

Check me out on instagram!@christina_kaos

If you see my content anywhere outside of Tumblr, Instagram or OF it’s not me. I only have these three accounts.

I can’t stress this enough. Please don’t ask me where I live. I’m not going to tell you. It will get you blocked.

DO NOT REPORT OR LABEL MY CONTENT. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE IT BLOCK ME.

Absolutely NO “goddess” or “mistress”. That’s not for me.

DNI

Under 18 🔞

Chasers

Religion of any kind

Hard drugs (meth,crack,fentanyl,etc.)

Terf/Radfem

Nazis/Fascists

ABDL

Blank profiles

If you have a fetish please keep it to yourself. Unless you’ve asked and we’re both in agreement to talk about it. If not please keep it off my blog.

And lastly I reserve the right to block anyone I want for any reason. I don’t give warnings.

For those of you that made it this far thank you. Please enjoy my content!

[cheesecake801]

Remember the long distance friendship Elesa and Volkner got in my head ? You know how whenever you see your long distance friend, eventually you'll have to separate again when you both go home ?

I made a comic about that

Having to say goodbye is sad, but deep down they know it's never goodbye forever

More thoughts about Volkner and Elesa under cut

I've had the Volkner and Elesa friendship hc for a long time but it only recently evolved to an actual close long distance friendship in my head !

I think they get to meet regularly in Pasio ! I like to think Volkner loves Pasio because it's such a fun place for various reasons but being able to meet Elesa over there is the cherry on the top !

Elesa doesn't deal very well with goodbyes, she tries to part ways with a smile but she can't hide her sadness haha :'D

Elesa is the hugger type ! (imagine a hug from Elesa, wow !)

A friend could picture them being pen pals and I love the idea haha ! I think Elesa in particular would enjoy sending letters, with smol joltik doodles !

It's funny because I can also imagine them texting via an app while still sending letters to each other from time to time and Elesa would send texts like "I sent the letter ! >w<" or "Check your mailbox 👀" or "Have you gotten it yet ?" which makes Volkner aware in advance of when he's gonna receive it. On the other hand when he sends a letter he often doesn't let her know at all so it's more of a surprise.

Via text they would share pics of their pokemon and memes, and sometimes music links. I think they have pretty different music tastes but are open to give a listen to what the other likes. Random but I think in songs Elesa has a preference for women's voices while Volkner has a preference for men's voices.

They sometimes like to do playful bets over pokemon battles, Elesa would be prone to initiate them ! I have a nice drawing idea about it, idk if I'll ever do it tho but I'll try to remember it !

That's all for now, thanks for reading ! They sure grew on me akskdn

[kentuckyfriedmegumi]

fanfic writer interview

thank you @uriekukistan for tagging me!

no pressure tags @yearnwormwrites @hijinks-n-lowjinks @fluffy-bacon363 and @philosophiums <33

How many works do you have on AO3?

i have 14 works; 13 are for jjk and 1 is just a writing exercise thing i wrote

Your top 5 stories by kudos/likes:

Itadori Yuji's Totally Foolproof Plan to get Fushiguro Megumi to Fall In Love with Him

Closing the Distance

is it gay if our pinkies are intertwined?

Too Soon?

I Have to Protect You

all of them are jjk itafushi works!! yuji's plan is my first fanfic piece i've ever written!

Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

yes!!! i try my best to but lskdjflsd sometimes it gets ahead of me or life gets all wonky. i really do try tho, and most of the time i'm pretty responsive <3

What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

oh for sure it has to be To See You Again. it's an alternate ending to What I'd Give, and i've had ppl argue that that one is sadder, but i feel like (without getting into spoilers) the lack of resolution leaves this one feeling a bit more bleak. i felt bad writing it.

What’s the fic you’ve written with the happiest ending?

probably yuji's plan, even tho it's an ongoing series. it's only "ongoing" bc of a series of spin-off one-shots that follow the ending, but they are all pretty happy. the series overall has very light angst too, but if not yuji's plan, then perhaps Closing the Distance.

Do you write crossovers?

naur but i have considered writing characters in other universes. idk tho, seems intimidating.

Have you ever received hate on a fic?

not hate in the traditional sense where someone is actively disliking my story or writing, but i do regularly get jumped by my readers for my angsty stuff. i wouldn't call it hate tho.

Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

naur and i probably never will, but i do have little FLIES IN MY EARS that want me to.

Have you ever had a fic stolen?

last i checked, naur. but im keeping an eye out bc im willing to throw hands over it ksfdjsdl

Have you ever had a fic translated?

no, but i've had someone ask me if i ever will. i can't do the translating, but it would be cool if one of mine were.

Have you ever co-written a fic before?

YES OMFG!!!! @sunnyyflowerrs and i wrote pinkies together and it was SOOO MUCH FUN!!!! it's crazy like how well our writing styles meshed together, and i really liked working with her. i'm her number 1 fan fr so like this was just a dream to me. i loveee it and it's my third most liked fic!!!! i'd lovee to work with her again, and there are also some other writers that i hope to work with!

What’s your all-time favorite ship?

itafushi literally sucked me into the ao3 rabbit hole like nobody's business. i never read fan fiction ever in my life before june, and then next thing i know i'm writing a multi-chapter fic in august. now i have 13 itfs works and kfm socials on like. every app. crazy how that works.

What’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

i don't know if there's one that i don't think i'll ever finish. i hope to try and finish all of my works eventually, i guess the *only* thing that i could really think to put here is just that the yuji's plan one shots are going to keep going til i run out of ideas.

What are your writing strengths?

the kfm trio: angst, miscommunication, and tension. i feel like i really do well with tension, but i've been told that when my angst hits, it hits. also currently have my readers tweaking out in CTD with the miscomm, so we got the holy trinity.

What are your writing weaknesses?

my prose and descriptors are a work in progress. i feel like it can come out sounding clunky and it's really hard to get the flow right. that's what i'm struggling with in skinny dipping, an unpublished wip of mine. the more i work on it, tho, the better it gets.

What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

oh goodness, i would be soooo bad at it i fear. the only other language that i know is american sign language ahahaha, so the best that i could do is accurately capture inumaki signing in ASL kajsdfldsk the closest i get is using when i use -chan or -sensei in dialogue, but i don't use it anywhere else.

What’s a fandom/ship you haven’t written for yet but want to?

OH MY GOD I SWEAR I WILL WRITE A SHIGUANG FIC FOR LINK CLICK OMFGGG THE POTENTIAL THERE IS CRAZYYYYY I NEEDDDD TO WRITE IT however, i must pace myself and finish skinny dipping first, and also probably closing the distance before i even try to start writing a new fic, much less for a new fandom. oh also kagehina is slowly creeping up on me the more i watch haikyuu... i can feeeeel it

What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

currently, it's actually Hot Off the Press teehee. it's a fun, low-pressure fic that i can self-indulge in and use my degree for! it's been a ton of fun writing and i really like being able to pull stuff that i learned for this story. also it's just a fun story to write teehee

[sixoclocker]

God ok I love the Starlo red giant star thing I need need NEED to know how the heck the people of the Wild East would react to the whole thing. Like, the obscure ones who aren't main characters but do know Star, like Virgil or Blackjack or Dina or something. Because they interact with Star semi-regularly I think and its nice and all to see the reactions of the ones closest to him, but everyone else? God thats just super interesting to me

Oh this is longer than I thought. Whatever thats fine.

EEEP i love talking about this tysm for asking about it. i’ll do the ones you specifically asked about

virgil isn’t exactly filling his role out anymore considering the sheriff who he was playing the villain against is. like that. but i think he pretty regularly if kinda awkwardly checks up on him, and i think star likes to talk about what he would’ve liked to do if it wouldn’t risk his health or anything. stuff he would’ve liked to do yk?? virgil feels kinda bad about it bc he frets that he may have egged him on a bit too much by playing into a lot of his antics. it sucks. it’s not a good situation for anybody. but starlo talks abt it to distract himself mostly although it ends up getting back to the fact that they can’t do that bc it’s too risky. so that kinda sucks.

blackjack is much more willing to let the guy into his shop now which is great and all. he’s not ENTIRELY thrilled seeing starlo so unusually quiet but hey!! now he can help with making stuff bc he can heat things up!! uh he DOES still ‘borrow’ stuff from him tho to give to his posse as a thank you of sorts. blackjack doesn’t appreciate that part but since he helps him make stuff now he only charges him 3/4 the price or something LMAOOO.

dina is. NOT happy. at all. because north star is different and he’s definitely not happy about it either. i think he had to fight tooth and nail jsut to get a drink one time after it happened because she was worried it would make things worse. and it might. but he gets some some times if he asks enough or something. but yeah dina is worried about him and if he doesn’t show up she goes and actively seeks him out. she’ll still entertain his little antics, albeit on a much smaller scale, but she’s definitely jsut. augh. ouch. a lot of things keep falling apart with the entire gang and she’s just trying to make it through

[honeyhotteoks]

hi everyone ♡ a little about where i've been and why i'm not posting....

so... it's no secret that i fell off the face of the earth when it comes to writing, and for that i just want to apologize. i know a lot of you have been waiting for the next chapter of tnt, further aurora updates, or just looking forward to some smutty kinktober one-shots...... but to be completely honest i haven't written in a little while.

i've been trying to but i keep coming up short, and i've been avoiding this blog ever since because i just feel bad for not being able to give you guys the stories you're waiting for. for that reason, i essentially took a creative break and decided not to respond to any messages about writing. i know that kind of sucks, but i know myself and i didn't want to promise "soon" when i knew that wasn't true.

i'm starting slowly to work on things again, and i really hope i'll be able to share some of that work with you soon, but genuinely i just needed space from working on fic and to be honest..... from the fandom. i love being an atiny, but there was a swell of negativity on twitter for a while and i've been feeling a little uninspired with the past year of content and endless touring and it all combined into me putting things off.

i'm also................................ much more of a multi now.... which i really never thought would happen but here we are. i have no idea if i'll actually start writing for any of those groups, but if i do, i hope some of you also enjoy those groups and you stick with me. a little blurb about my new biases and the groups i'm now following, etc. is at the bottom of this post.

as far as what's going on with my ateez work? here's a quick recap:

this night together: still in progress, i have ~4 chapters finished, but chap ten and some of the time skips have me a little stuck. once i iron that out and finish out the last 2-3 chapters after the arc that's written, i'll get back to posting. at this point i'd like to have it done so i can release it confidently and as a complete story. into the aurora: i have about half of book one edited, which will include some new scenes / cleaned up scenes, but nothing crazy. i'd like to start updating old chapters once everything is finalized. book two is.... slow going. i'm hoping a breath of fresh air will help, but it's still my goal to come back to these characters. one-shots: i have about 4-5 ateez one-shots that are half written. my plan is to finish these and release them as inspiration strikes to wrap them up.

thank you all for your patience, and all of your kind messages. so many people have checked in on me both anon and not, and even if i haven't responded it's meant so much as i work on coming back to writing. i may not be able to respond to all the messages since so many of them are in my inbox, but slowly i may chip away at them

i'll see you all very soon~

(so chai multi era.... in a whirlwind of discovering other kpop groups..... i've ended up a carat, a stay, a moa, and a hidden kard. again, no idea if i'll ever write for any of these groups, but.... my biases are below so who knows)

seventeen - s.coups (regularly wrecked by hip hop line + dino) stray kids - lee know + hyunjin txt - soobin (are we surprised tho) kard - bm + jiwoo (but also like basically ot4 let's be real here)

♡

[kingprinceleo]

Please tell us more about Shadow and Rouge , Shadow and Knuckles, or the trio itself pls I’m begging 🧎🧎🧎🧎

!!! Ok uhh

They're fun I love them I need to do more stuff with them 😰

Knuckles and rouge have known each other for years before shadow appeared, knuckles used to offer his own blood to rouge so she wouldn't get into trouble with GUN for stealing or attacking people. Once rouge finds Sol it becomes way less common, since rouge can easily access food through their markets, but she still teases him about biting him bc she finds it funny.

Knuckles is a farm boy out in the Wild Zones! (Angel Island is one main island with 7 smaller ones branching off, 3 of them belonging to GUN, and the other 4 being untouched, the Wild Zones)

He's got a pickup truck 😎, growing food for himself and to supply his (pizza) food truck with fresh ingredients. In his free time he likes to treasure hunt around Angel Island, trying to piece together echidna tribe artifacts and other remnants of an older society before their modern time. Rouge likes to tag along sometimes and "help", stealing his shit >:/

She knows the echidna stuff is very personal to him tho, so she'll leave those pieces alone, everything else? She tries to snatch for either herself or to sell off to her black market dealers. They have a knack for knowing all the gemstone hotspots on the islands, they've been around for a long time, so rouge keeps contact with them regularly.

Things get shaken up pretty fast when they find shadow tho, a bloodied ball curled up in knuckles field, running on pure adrenaline and prey animal fear. Knuckles is the one primarily trying to deal with him while rouge just watches fjfjfnfn. Shadows pretty fucked up with some teeth growing over each other, claws out of control, and knuckles has to tussle with...All of that as he tries not to get his face ripped off

Shadow eventually gets taken care of and the next few days are knuckles just trying to understand what's going on, but shadow won't speak a word. Rouge decided to go digging for anything about him, and finds out that GUN is looking for him. And since rouge is already off the grid and doesn't exist to them, they decide it would be best for shadow to go stay with rouge rather than knuckles (neither rouge or shadow are a fan of this)

Rouge brushes him off a lot at first ! Doesn't care if he runs off on his own, not her problem. But eventually he starts growing on her, especially when he proves to be incredibly useful when she's stealing from GUN. That's how she starts bonding with him fjfjfnfn and it's something they regularly do for years, even while rouge is working within GUN as a supervisor for the chaotix.

At one point she finds shadows inhibitors and uncovers more about it through old documents and scans, and she lightens up on him a bit. Once he has his inhibitors back he slowly starts working up to talking again, and the blackouts he used to have stop entirely. Then rouge realizes he's the Biggest Bitch in the West <3 now being able to sling insults at each other like a full time job

But mostly things carry on pretty smoothly! Shadow used to have an extremely violent reaction to vampires even being mentioned, so rouge has never told him that she's one herself. And it's been so long that shadow just thinks all of her bat and vampire themed decor is just normal fnfjfnfjjrj.

Present day shadows out and about during the night, sleeping during the day bc he's got paranoia about being vulnerable. He n rouge still regularly loot from GUN for chaos drives and other valuables and shadow helps with the black market things on the occasion. Rouge has Tried to dissuade shadows obsession with wearing silver but he never listens </3. rouge would consider shadow a friend, but he views it more like a teammate situation, he's not a friend guy

And with knuckles! He would frequently come by to check on shadows wellbeing, maybe wrestle with him a bit for the enrichment and getting shadows energy out. Eventually knuckles offers shadow a job to work with him on the food truck and on the farm, which shadow accepts since he's really got nothing better to do on this island and needs money eventually and that's their main thing, being coworkers. Knuckles at one point gets shadow a sick ass hover motorcycle since shadow can't buy anything big under his own name. And shadows an incredible worker, his perfectionism being both a gift and a flaw.

All 3 of them hanging out present day would likely be rouge dragging shadow to knuckles house after a heist where they can just unwind and watch something together

Or knuckles and shadow sparring in the field, which rouge insists she's above getting her hands dirty for fun, until they bait her into the fight by starting an argument

And probably other little things I need to think about more !!

But uhh one last thing I think, rouge and knuckles are both fiercely protective of shadow, it won't pop up often, but if something is wrong theyll both always be the first to be there

Like when shadow n Hoax make their blood deal, rouge won't actively intervene unless something bad happens, she's trusts shadow can handle himself. But she would bludgeon Hoaxs head in if she found out he did something horrible to shadow

Knuckles . Didn't wait for an answer. Fjfjfnfn literally the first time he sees Hoax after learning about the blood deal it is On Sight, which is how knuckles is the first to learn who Hoax is!!!! He punches him so fucking hard he turns back into Sonic 🤭

uh !!!!! Oops that is a little long, they are just so silly to me, hope u got what u were looking for !!! Dnhfjfnfjf

[kassyxxxsblog]

Hey Tumblr 👋 welcome to my blog! I’m Kassyxx. I’m a 26 year old woman of transgender experience. I can be a bit harsh, So be patient and if I offend you I’m sorry. 

Now that you know little about me. I have some rules for my blog. I’m sorry if you don’t like that but that’s the way it is. Please do not ask me for free pics. I’m happy to sell content to anyone. You can pay just like everyone else. Do not tell me what to post. This is my blog, I’ll post what I want. That means I’m not going to post overly explicit content. I’ve been threatened by staff to many times. I’m on thin ice and I don’t want to get canned. Umm feel free to DM me. Tho keep in mind I get a lot of messages. It takes me time to answer. Sometimes I just don’t feel like it. But I try. If you do want to chat please don’t send a dick pic. I’ll block you. 

This is my main blog. I don’t have any other blog.

DO NOT REPORT OR LABEL MY CONTENT. IF YOU DON'T WANT TO SEE IT BLOCK ME. 

I have a Dropbox. It’s explicit content. I post regularly. If you like what you see here. You might want to check it out.  

If you have a fetish please keep it to yourself. Unless you’ve asked and we’re both in agreement to talk about it. If not please keep it off my blog.  

And lastly I reserve the right to block anyone I want for any reason. I don’t give warnings. 

[yume-x-hanabi]

Life update

Posted on DW, but I figured I could update this blog as well now that I'm semi-getting back into social media...

I've sorta fallen off from the fandom and social media space, because life has been a lot these past few years. To sum up briefly:

- I made a couple of posts about it last year, but I bought an apartment in a new building (construction wasn't finished at the time). Running left and right to choose stuff such as flooring etc, getting things organized on the paperwork side (banks, notaries...), plus the move itself, took me a lot of time and energy. I've been living here full time for 10 months now though, and it's been great. Love the building (even tho it's not entirely finished orz), love the neighbourhood, and it's so great to have your own place. Missy seems at ease here, too, which is important. The balconies' guardrails are huge glass panes that go all the way to the floor with no gap, so that means I can let her out without supervision without fear of her falling/jumping off.

- Work, the main culprit for my withdrawal from fandom. I think I mentioned before that I took on more admin tasks a couple years ago, and while I enjoy the actual work when I get to it, it's a huge huge drain to my mental energy, esp when combined with everything else (class prep, exams, meetings etc). So it's pretty much killed my drive, and my already bad work-life balance just became worse and worse. Like, it's not that I don't have free time (perks of teaching = lots of holidays), but when I do I'm so mentally exhausted that I was pretty much only able to play mindless games like Solitaire or Civilization VI (which became like an addiction lol) or doomscroll on twitter or reddit. I pretty much lost my ability to engage with hobbies, except for the ones below, and I'm trying really really hard to come back and make it stick this time around.

- Speaking of hobbies though, I've gotten really into classical music and started attending concerts regularly. By perfect coincidence, my new place is at a 2-minute walk from my city's philharmonic hall, and I've been enjoying the heck out of that perk. My city's orchestra is really good, and their program so varied. When it was time to choose my subscription for next season, it was harder to choose which concerts not to attend (but a choice had to be made ;v;). Also I'm super stoked because they're playing my favorite symphony next year, I didn't expect to be able to hear it live so soon!

I think this really saved my mental health this year. Like, it's a bit hard to explain, but there's something really unique and relaxing about the atmosphere there. It's a bit intimidating at first, and I was really self-conscious about not making noise at the beginning, but I've gotten used to it now. Mostly, I think it helped me rediscover what it is to just sit down and enjoy the moment, without constantly looking for stimulation to my already overstimulated mind (silly aside, but before that I'd sorta lost the ability to binge a series without mindlessly checking my phone in the middle of episodes. Being "forced" to keep my phone away for the duration of a concert has really helped me recover my attention span). I think it helps my mind rest, if that makes sense? Also there's nothing comparable to listening to the music live in a hall with great acoustics x3

I followed the Queen Elisabeth Competition closely this year, live for a few finals performances when possible, the rest on TV, and it was really awesome. I think in four years I'll get the subscription for the whole finals week :p

- Relatedly, I've also started taking violin lessons. I'd always wanted to learn an instrument since I was a child (loved those mandatory recorder classes we had at school lol), but it never happened (partly because I was too passive as a child to actively ask for it, partly because my parents probably didn't want to have their eardrums massacred, so didn't offer it (wouldn't have said no if I'd asked, but as I said I wasn't good at asking back then)). It took me a while to actually make the jump, because I thought I'm too old now and there's no point, but I finally did with some encouragements from friends and colleagues and I'm really glad I did. Violin is... hard lol. I sound absolutely terrible. But it's also really fun? Like I feel like I'll never be good, but also I've made so much progress since I started. I don't have much time to practice (I aim at at least 10min a day these days, which isn't a lot, but it's better than nothing and it's more important to do it a little regularly than a lot once in a while). I'm really looking forward to the day I'll be able to attempt to play Xillia songs 😄 Also I really love my teacher<3

- Lastly, niece is 3 now and so fun to interact with. It's not always easy, she's very stubborn and willful, but she's also really sweet and funny. Love her ❤️ And she's just got a little sister! who's a very chill newborn, so different from niece#1 lol. I can't wait to see them play together when they're a little bit older.

Anyway, that's pretty much the main things that have been going on the past couple of years. Like I said I'm not sure I can be totally back, I think it's gonna take a lot of adjustment, but this time I really don't want to let another year pass by like that. I'm really gonna try hard to have better balance this time!

[jessicaloons]

Chapter 11:

‘Cause it’s all over, it’s not meant to be…

Masterlist - Previous - Next

"I’ll be back at the end of January, you’ll have almost 6 weeks! And I want you to keep everything in mind. Do your exercises, mediation, eat the right stuff. And really eat it, I want that blood test regularly. But above all, speak to your family, to Charles. Tell them the truth, Liz. Maybe not everything. But at least some parts. Okay?" JK said and I nodded.

"I will, I promise! And thank you, really JK! Without you I never would’ve made it this far!" I said and hugged him "Enjoy your time at home! Have a safe trip! And send some pictures!"

"I will Liz! Go now, I don’t want you to catch a cold! Oh and don’t forget to schedule your appointments with Christian!" he ushered me inside and with one last smile I walked through the door and quietly closed it behind me. It was quiet in the house. Given the early time, no wonder. I took my shoes off and rolled my suitcase to the side. I inhaled deeply, it smelled like pine wood, cinnamon, orange and ginger bread. The typical smell of Christmas at home. The house was beautifully decorated, Mum went all out, probably because the Leclercs were coming as well. I walked upstairs into my room. I missed it. They kept everything the way it was when I was leaving. Just that Mum changed the bedding. I opened my closet, grabbed one of Charles' oversized hoodies and a pair of leggins and made my way into the bathroom, trying to make as little sound as possible. I quickly washed myself a little and changed into my fresh clothes. Back in my room I decided to lay down for a bit, it was only 5:30 in the morning, until everyone was awake it would take a while. Just as I snuggled into the bed, I heard a car outside, it sounded like whoever it was, was driving really slow down the street, as to not wake anyone up, but I knew the sound of that engine all to well and as the car stopped seemingly in front of our house, I was sure. Charles.

I sat up and looked out of my window and there he was, parking in our driveway, engine off, lights out and head leaned back into the headrest. But it didn’t look like he would get out. I waited for another 5 minutes but Charles didn’t move. Was he going to sleep in the car? I quietly walked down the stairs, put on some boots, unlocked the front door and walked out into the cold. Straight to Charles' car, he didn’t see me coming, eyes closed, so I gently knocked on his window and he jumped up. I smirked at him and he unlocked the car, but before he could get out, I walked around the car and got into the passenger seat. Silence. Charles looked at me. I looked ahead.

"Ma belle, I am so sorry! Please, believe me when I say that it wasn’t easy at all, reading your messages and not answering them immediately! Please, please, please believe me! My heart almost broke every time I received a new text! JK said it’s the best for you and I would’ve done everything to help you! Please believe me!" he said and I slowly turned to him, his eyes glassy, he hesitated as he reached for my hand but I didn’t pull it away and he gently grabbed it "I’m so sorry!" his voice was hoarse and he looked at me, pleading.

"But why didn’t you text me after I told you that I knew about it? After I told you that you hurt me?" I whispered, looking at my hand in his.

"What? No… no! I did! Immediately as I got the message I answered you! Told you how hard it was to ignore you! That it broke my heart and that I’m so incredibly sorry! I sent it right before we took off!" he said hastily and I looked up at him "As soon as I was able to switch on my phone again in Bahrain, I checked it for an answer from you, but there was nothing… so I thought you were ghosting me now, not that I didn’t deserve it… but still. I thought it was your decision to answer me again whenever you feel ready!"

"I didn’t receive it…" I said and Charles looked at me confused. "I sent you the text and waited for an explanation, but you didn’t reply… I thought that it was maybe because of…" I began but Charles was frantically looking through his phone as he paled visibly, he looked up at me "What?"

"The message… it’s not sent… it didn’t get through…" he whispered and looked at me guilty "I am so sorry, ma belle! I’m just so, so sorry!" he shook his head and looked down in his lap. I sighed and leaned back, putting the seatbelt on "What are you doing?"

"You know Dad’s rules! When you come back home early in the morning on a Sunday…" I began and Charles chuckled.

"… make sure to stop at a bakery for fresh bread rolls and pretzels!" he finished the sentence and put his seatbelt on as well "But it’s not even 6? You think they’re open already?"

"Most of them open at 6, we should be good. Now come on, I’ll guide you!" I said and he started the engine "Oh damn, we should’ve taken my car!"

"I’m not driving in your Mini! Nope, way too small!" he complained and backed out of the driveway.

"Oh come on! You love him!" I chuckled and Charles sighed.

"I never understood why you and Seb had to give your cars names! They’re cars!" he mumbled as I signaled him to make a left turn.

"You asked Arthur if he hurt your girl, when he nudged me and I bumped into your car only a little!" I laughed and Charles blushed a little "Turn left here. Alright look, they're just opening up!"

20 minutes later we walked quietly into the open kitchen and were greeted with a huge Christmas tree, beautifully decorated.

"Wow, Mum really went all out!" I whispered and Charles smiled "Come on, let’s set the table and prepare as much as possible, then head to bed for a little sleep."

"Aye, aye, Captain!" he saluted mockingly and I rolled my eyes. We set the table, put the paper bags with the fresh baked goods into a basket. And quietly walked up into my room, at the door Charles stopped.

"What?" I asked him and he shrugged a little.

"You didn’t want to share a bed with me for months… I can sleep in the guest room?" he answered a little shyly. I grabbed his hand and pulled him through my door and closed it behind us.

"Your mum will get the guest room, Enzo and Arthur will get the office and you are stuck with me. But yeah, you’re right… it’s still not okay… so umm, take the sofa? Maybe?" I said and nodded to the sofa in the corner.

"Yeah, that’ll do…" he answered and I opened my closet and took out a linen sheet, a pillow and a blanket, then I spread the sheet over the sofa and placed the pillow and blanket on it.

"Alright, I still have some clothes from you here…" I nodded to the side of the closet with some of his clothes and he nodded, then picked out a gray t-shirt and black sweatpants.

"I’ll get my suitcase later. And I’ll carry yours upstairs as well…" he said and turned around and changed. No matter how many times I saw Charles’ naked back, it always made me hot. His thick neck, wide shoulders, strong back muscles and slim waist. As he turned around I blushed a little and cleared my throat.

"That would be amazing, thank you Charles!" I mumbled and climbed into my bed "Now come on! I’d say until everyone is awake, we have at least 2 or 3 hours of sleep we could get." I snuggled into my pillows and blankets and Charles did the same. After a while I chuckled.

"What?" Charles mumbled and I saw his head slightly turn into my direction.

"Why are you here so early and did you seriously plan on sleeping in the car?" I asked.

"I left Maranello kinda in a rush and well… yeah it was too early to ring the doorbell!" he chuckled, although he sounded nervous somehow.

"Oh Charlie bear, have you forgotten that you don’t need a key for the door? Only your finger print!" I laughed and Charles sighed.

"Oh damn… yeah I kinda forgot about that!" he laughed as well "But yeah, it would be kinda weird just getting in here when everyone’s asleep and I don’t know…"

"You know that that wouldn’t be a problem!" I yawned and closed my eyes.

"Yeah maybe, now sleep! You’re tired…" he whispered and before I could say anything I was fast asleep.

I woke up from Charles' phone constantly buzzing, a minute later he began to stir.

"Who would call this early on a Sunday morning?" he groaned and took his phone "What?" he answered it harshly "Oh, hi, umm yeah I arrived. You what? No, no that’s not okay! No! Camille? I told you… no! There is no space! I told you I’d be in Monaco on the 30th and then… no… ugh Camille, please it’s way too early for this now! I will call you later! Cancel that flight. I’m not discussing this with you. If you board the flight, good luck finding a way back home, I’m not picking you up… you don’t know where Lizzie lives. I’m done with this. I will call you later. No. No. Good… bye." he sounded mad and his French was almost too fast for me to understand. I looked at him and waited for him to talk, but he just pulled the blanket over his head and groaned loudly.

"You know, you could’ve just invited her? I would’ve slept at Sissy’s pull out sofa and you and Camille could’ve had my room? Mum and Dad would surely be okay…" I began but Charles pulled the blanket away.

"Absolutely not! This is Christmas! Our Christmas! And she… she’s not a part of the family! And we wanted to have a family Christmas! I didn’t invite her for a reason!" Charles looked at me and I just nodded "I want to spend time with you and not her… I haven’t seen you for more than a month…"

"Okay, Charlie bear… come on. I think the others are awake!" I nodded and got up, internally thanking him for not inviting her.

As we walked down the stairs I could hear my parents, Sissy and Liam wondering who set up the table.

"That would be us…" I said, walking through the door and they all flinched.

"Lizziiiiieeeee!" Liam shrieked and jumped off the chair and ran straight up to me, but he abruptly stopped in front of me "Hug?" he almost whispered and I bent down, hoisting him up in my arms and he giggled as he buried his face in the crook of my neck "I missed you sooooo much!" he whispered and I kissed his cheek.

"I missed you too!" I said.

"I missed you three!" Charles behind me said and Liam looked up.

"Charlie!!!" he almost jumped out of my arms, straight into Charles, who happily hugged him tight "I missed you too, Charlie!"

"When did you guys arrive?" Dad asked and hugged me. "It’s so good to see you, this healthy and strong little owl!" he whispered and then he kissed my temple.

"I don’t know? Around 4, half past 4 JK dropped me off and not even an hour later Charles arrived!" I answered and hugged Mum, who had tears in her eyes.

"Oh my beautiful girl. Look at you!" she sobbed and I laughed.

"Why are you crying? I’m good! More than good!" I laughed and she just shook her head and kissed my cheek.

"The last time we saw you, you couldn’t walk without crutches, you idiot!" Sissy laughed and hugged me. I rolled my eyes and looked at Charles, who still held Liam in his arms, hugging Mum and Dad, then Sissy.

"We thought you were coming with the rest this afternoon." Dad said to Charles.

"Yeah well, I decided to drive straight here from Maranello instead of home and then flying." Charles shrugged his shoulders and Dad nodded.

"At least you followed the rules." Sissy laughed and pointed at the paper bags from the bakery.

"We knew, we’d be in trouble if not." Charles laughed and tickled Liam a little "What’s going on, Bubba? You turned into a little monkey?"

"He, umm he’s a little sad…" Sissy whispered and I looked at her "So his nursery school had this Christmas party yesterday, but Liam wasn’t allowed to go… he had some trouble with some of the other kids…"

"What did they do?" Charles and I said at the same time and Mum and Dad chuckled, as they grabbed the rest of the food from the fridge.

"He wanted to play with one of the boys, he seemed to like him, they played and all was fine but then the boy wanted them to play with some other kids as well… and yeah he didn’t get along with them and it got a little heated." Sissy explained and Liam only hugged Charles tighter.

"They were mean and I didn’t like them and when the older boy didn’t stop saying mean things to me, I pushed him. He fell and hit his arm and then he cried." Liam whispered.

"What did he say to you?" I asked him but he just shook his head "How much older is he?"

"I’m in the mice group, he’s in the bear group…" he answered and Charles' nose scrunched up adorably.

"What does that mean?" he asked, confused .

"Kids in the mice group are the youngest, 1.5-3 years old, cheetahs are between 3 and 4.5 and bears are around 4.5 to 6 years old." Sissy explained and Charles nodded.

"So one of the older kids picks on him, he defends himself and then he’s not allowed to go to the Christmas party?" I summarised and Liam nodded "That’s unfair!"

"It is what it is…" Sissy said and we sat down, Liam not moving away from Charles.

"I’d say we throw our own bigger and even better Christmas party then!" I said and Charles tickled Liam and he giggled.

"How does that sound, little monkey?" Charles asked and Liam nodded "Then it’s settled."

"That is Chase! He’s the leader of the pups! No Ryder is the leader but Chase also! Because he’s the police dog! And that is Marshall, he’s the firefighter dog! He’s also cool but Chase is my favourite! Oh and that is Rubble, Skye oh oh and Rocky!" Liam was full of enthusiasm when he explained to Charles the different characters in his new favourite show, Paw Patrol, a Christmas edition playing on the tv. Both boys on the sofa, Liam sitting in Charles lap and both cuddled up under a blanket. I was watching them when I helped Mum and Sissy prepare some snacks for the evening, when Pascale, Lorenzo and Arthur arrived.

"He really missed you, both of you… he was talking all the time about you! And how many times did I find him hiding in your room!" my sister told me and I smiled, I missed him as well. Although I loved both of my nephews equally, Liam living here with us since he was born, seeing him almost daily, brought us so much closer than me and Benji, who I only saw every other week, due to the fact that Marcus lived in Munich. And not seeing Liam for more than 3 months was really hard and I was more than happy to be back again.

"I missed him as well, that’s why I plan on spending as much time as possible with him."

"Then go ahead and start now with it. We’re done here and I have to wrap up the last gifts!" Mum said and washed her hands, Sissy nodded and did the same.

"Alright, then I’d say I watch Paw Patrol as well!" I dried my hands off at the towel Mum handed me and walked over to the boys.

"Is there some space left for me?" I asked and Charles held up his arm and I sat next to him, snuggling into his side as Liam stretched his hand out for me to take "So Charles? Who is your favourite?"

Liam looked up at him, awaiting his answer.

"I have to say Chase! He’s a police dog! He has a gun that shoots tennis balls and a net! He is pretty cool!" he answered and Liam nodded enthusiastically "And who is your favourite character?"

"Easy! Ryder, he’s cute!" I laughed and Liam made a disgusted face.

"Eww… he’s only 10!" Charles whispered and I laughed.

"He’s not cute! He’s a fearless leader!" Liam wasn’t happy with my answer "You have to pick a dog!"

"Okay, okay! Who is that? The Husky?" I asked.

"That’s Everest!" Liam explained.

"She’s my favourite because I love Huskies!" I answered and Liam nodded.

"Good choice!" he said and Charles chuckled.

"Very good choice, ma belle!" he said and I just smiled and watched the Paw Patrol save Christmas.

I saw Charles checking his phone, for the tenth time in the last couple of minutes, he tensed up a little and sighed. It seemed like Camille didn’t stop asking him to invite her over. I was about to say something as he gently nudged Liam and sat him down next to him.

"Lizzie, we need to talk… umm alone?" he almost whispered and I looked at him curiously.

"Sure? Everything alright?" I asked and got up, walking to the stairs, but he didn’t answer, he just followed me upstairs.

In my room I sat down on my bed as he was pacing back and forth in front of me.

"Charles? What’s going on?" I asked him and he stopped, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. He sat down next to me, taking my hand in his.

"I left Maranello last night in a rush, because I found something out… I was mad, no, furious, but I couldn’t do anything about it…" he began as I got the notification that I received a new email on my phone and he sighed "That email… it’s from Massimo and Mattia… it’s about your involvement in the FDA… they umm… they-"

"They kicked me out." I finished his sentence and he looked up at me.

"How did you know?" his voice was almost a whisper.

"In the first weeks after the accident, they regularly checked in on me. But it got less and less and now they haven’t checked in on me for more than a month… so yeah, I just figured they would kick me out." I answered and looked down.

"I’m so sorry, ma belle! I told them that it’s a mistake and totally unfair but they wouldn’t listen to me…" he said and pulled me in a tight embrace.

"It’s not your fault, Charlie. It’s okay. I will get along without them." I whispered and he nodded.

"And I will help you as much as I can! They will regret kicking you out!" he said and I chuckled.

"Thank you, for telling me, and not finding out through an email!" I said.

"They will post a statement as well…" he groaned and I sighed.

"Didn’t expect anything less from them."

The real party began when the rest of the Leclercs arrived in the evening. After the shock of me being sacked by the FDA, some harsh words from Dad, Lorenzo and Arthur against the FDA and Ferrari and some comforting words from Mum and Pascale we finally all sat together for a long time, playing board games, telling old and new stories, laughing and even singing together. I looked at Charles to see that he was typing away on his phone, looking annoyed.

"What’s going on, Charlie?" I asked him quietly and he sighed.

"Just some people asking me about the FDA thing." he said and put his phone back into his pocket.

"Stop thinking about it, it’s okay!" I reassured him and squeezed his arm. It was not okay, I really thought I could count on their support, but I was clearly wrong. It hurt that they seemed to lost faith in me, but it only motivates me more to show them that they made a huge mistake.

"Come on, Liam, time for bed!" Sissy got up but Liam protested.

"No! I wanna stay up longer! Pleaaaseee Mami!" he whined but she shook her head.

"Little man, you’re already way past your bedtime! Up we go!" she said, mastering her mum voice.

"That is so unfair! What a shit!" he cursed and I almost choked on my tea.

"Liam!" Sissy exclaimed shocked and I had to do my best to not burst into laughter, looking around the table I wasn’t the only one, Dad drinking hastily from his beer, Lorenzo doing the same with his wine, Arthur fake yawning covering his mouth with his hand, Charles just tried really hard to look as normal as possible.

"What? It’s a shit!" Liam said again and got up, I let out a mix between laughter, coughing and clearing my throat.

"Stop saying that!" Sissy reprimanded him but he just rolled his eyes and I lost it, bursting out laughing "You’re the worst!" Sissy looked at me disapprovingly. But as Dad and Arthur broke as well she just sighed "Great. Just great." she shook her head "Say good night to the traitors!"

"Hey! I didn’t do anything!" Charles next to me said, voice so thin from holding his breath so long, Sissy just glared at him before she chuckled herself a little. Liam made it around the table, hugging all of us good night.

"Good night, Bubba. Tomorrow I’ll teach you to say it in Italian and French, so Mami can’t reprimand you again!" I chuckled and kissed his cheek and he giggled.

"I’d say I can help you with that, your Italian isn’t the best!" Charles whispered and Liam hugged him even tighter "Good Night my little monkey!" with a last kiss on his forehead he walked off, taking his mothers outstretched hand.

The next few days we all spent together, playing more board games, cooking together, having a snowball fight as it finally began to snow heavily. It was the day before Christmas Eve, Dad, Lorenzo, Arthur and Liam playing in the garden, competing who made the better snowman. Mum, Pascale and Sissy were out for a last trip of grocery shopping for the next few days and Charles and I stood in the kitchen, baking batch after batch of plain cookies, for us all to decorate later.

"Oh come on! It’s going to be fun! Joris is there, Riccardo and Marta, Antonio is coming as well! A bunch of other people that you know!" Charles said as I rolled out the dough.

"I don’t know Charles… I’m back after such a long time, I don’t want to leave again this fast!" I said and he used the different cookie cutters.

"It’s just for 6 days and then we’re flying anyway to Thailand! So come on! Please! Not celebrating the new year with you last time felt so wrong!" he said and I scoffed.

"Yeah?" I said and he looked at me with big eyes.

"Yeah! It did! So please! Please! We’re leaving on the 30th and on the 4th we’re already off!" he took my hands in his, smiling at me.

"I’m just… I’m just afraid I am ruining it, if I get sick because of the boat bla bla you know I’m getting dizzy and lightheaded real fast since… so yeah. I don’t know…" I sighed.

"There’s a cabin, just for you, if you feel dizzy or anything just tell me and we go there for you to calm down! I promise!" he almost pleaded and I swallowed hard before I nodded "Is that a yes?"

"Yes! It’s a yes…" I mumbled and he hugged me!

"Thank you so much, ma belle!" he whispered.

"But Charlie, you seriously need to stop calling me that… don’t look at me like that! In front of Camille at least! It probably hurts her, so please stop…" I’ve seen the way she looked at me, sending me death glares, whenever he used it in front of her. I don’t need that on a boat, in the middle of the ocean.

"Ugh, fine! I’ll try my best!" he said and I nodded thankfully, one reason less for her to be nasty to me, hopefully she will be busy with her friends and will ignore me. Being on a boat with her made me more than anxious. I was deep in my thoughts as the timer reminded us of the current tray full of cookies in the oven. I walked over and looked at them, then opened the door deciding they’re done and grabbing the tray without thinking.

"Lizzie! Oven mitts!" Charles shouted, but before I could register it I already touched the tray and hissed in pain.

"Fuck!" I exclaimed and flinched. Fingertips of my index and middle finger burning like crazy, throbbing pain erupting. Charles was next to me in an instant, grabbed the tray with oven mitts and put it next to the oven on the counter, then closed the oven and turned back around to me. He gently pulled me to the sink, holding my burned fingers under the cold water stream. I let out a small whimper when the stream hit my fingers and held my breath.

"Breathing, ma belle." Charles whispered and I nodded. He walked over to the fridge and rummaged around in it, then opened the cabinet next to it and pulled out a box putting his collectibles on the countertop of the kitchen island.

"Alright, let me see." he stepped next to me and looked at my fingertips, both sporting an angry red burn mark. He switched the water off and gently patted my fingertips dry with a towel, he nudged my shoulder and I followed him to the kitchen island, where he pushed me gently against it and then grabbed my thighs and lifted me up to sit on it. He proceeded to pad dry my fingers until they were completely dry and then unscrewed the top of the burn ointment tube, gently applied a generous amount of the cooling and soothing gel on my fingers. I took a deep breath at the immediate pain relief, some stray tears were escaping my eyes. Charles searched through the box, looking for some band aids, after he found the needed sizes he took my hand in his, carefully bandaging the burnt fingers. As he was done, he looked up at me and wiped the tears off my cheeks.

"Does it feel better?" he asked quietly and I nodded.

"Yeah, thank you, Charlie!" I sniffled and he helped me down the counter, pulling me into him, he kissed my temple.

"Always, Lizzie, always!" he whispered against my head and we stood like this for a while, breathing each other in, as we heard the screen door opening, we jumped a little, bringing some space between us. I turned away from Charles, feeling my cheeks blush.

We later all sat around the table decorating our cookies with icing, different sprinkles and other toppings. Due to my bandaged fingers I couldn’t do the icing how I wanted it too, but just sitting here, surrounded by my family, laughing and joking, decorating cookies, brought me so much joy. To think how only 3 months ago I thought I’d probably never be happy again. Unbelievable.

The next day, we decided to make a trip to the old karting track, visiting Hans who was excited to see us again. The boys all geared up for some laps and Liam wanted to join in.

"You’re a little too young to drive alone, but you can ride a few laps with me!" Charles said and he was overly excited.

Dad and I stood at the side, watching the boys have fun, breezing past us, but driving very carefully due to Liam who was sitting between Charles legs. He steered the kart at some slow corners, Charles teaching him exactly when and how to turn.

"You’ll be driving one in no time, you’ll see!" Dad whispered next to me as he pulled me into his side, after seeing my eyes well up a little. I only nodded, throat too tight to speak. I didn’t expect coming here would be so emotional, but it was.

"I really hope so, Dad!" I mumbled and he only chuckled.

"Lizzie, you can walk almost perfectly again, you even could carry Liam around. Give it some more time and you’ll be back!" he said confidently and I nodded.

"You’re right. I’ll be back!" I said determined and cheered as Charles and Liam crossed the finish line first.

Back home we all prepared for dinner and in typical German tradition we were exchanging presents shortly after. As we were unpacking them, a lot of hugs and kisses and laughter and thank yous were exchanged. Later we all sat cuddled up on the sofa, watching Home Alone with a cup of hot chocolate and some of our cookies. The perfect Christmas.

As the 30th came closer and closer my anxiety of meeting Camille again began to get bigger with each minute, as it felt and I was thinking about chicken out. But I knew that Charles wouldn’t believe me when I would say that being on a yacht was my biggest concern. He would want to know the real reason and I told myself I’ll talk to him after our holiday. First I wanted to spend some good quality time with him, before I had to break to him that his girlfriend was one of the main reasons for my crippling anxiety. I just had to get over one evening with her. On a boat. I could surely avoid her, right? I could do that.

"What am I wearing on a yacht on New Year's Eve, Shima?" I asked her as I was packing and needed help with my outfit.

"What do you got?" she asked and I walked over to my closet "And do you have a dress code?"

"Charles said not to over the top… that helps totally… not! So I asked what he’s wearing and he said Jeans and button down shirt. I checked in with Marta and she said she would maybe wear a casual, but nice dress. Classy but not to over the top… Why can’t Monegasque people be a bit more precise!" I groaned and I heard Shima’s chuckling through the speaker "Not funny!"

"Okay, so dress or no dress?" Shima asked.

"No dress." I answered and she was quiet for a moment.

"Ouuuuhhh! I have an idea! The jumpsuit! The black one! It’s classy, elegant but not to over the top!" Shima said and I thought for a second.

"My sister has it, wait I gotta go to hers. I need to see if it still fits me!" I said and walked downstairs to the door into the little mud room between kitchen and garage where I took the stairs up into my sisters loft.

"Where’s the rest of the fam?" Shima asked as I walked through the loft into my sister's bedroom.

"They’re not at home, the mums are shopping, the boys are karting." I answered

"Why didn’t you go with them? Too tough?" she asked empathically.

"Yup, it wasn’t easy last week so a no for today!" I sighed "Wait, I’ll try it on and send you a selfie…"

"What’s the verdict? Good enough? Not too casual? Not too over the top?" I asked nervously

"Approved! Lizzie, giiirl! You look so damn good! What shoes? Hair and make-up?" she asked and I laughed.

"I don’t know? Probably just leave my hairs open? Little bit curled? Well make-up wise, like always? Just a little eyeliner and maybe some nude lipstick? As for shoes… you know I don’t mind heels but I don’t think that I can walk in them right now? I thought maybe some sweet, flat sandals?" I thought out loud, thinking about how everything looked together. With Camille there I didn’t want to look like I didn’t care about my looks. I just didn’t want to give her more reasons to pick on me, which I was sure she would do.

"Sounds good! No really Lizzie, you’ll look great! That’s the perfect mix!" she said and I smiled.

"The only thing that bothers me about the jumpsuit is that it has like a cut out on the back? And I’m scared that it will slip a little when I’m moving and show my… my… you know…" I said quietly.

"Lizzie! With all due respect, you should wear these scars with pride! They show how strong you are! They should only remind you that you almost died but you’re still here! Against all odds! ! You should wear them like a shield!" she said with a strong voice.

"You’re right! Thanks!" I had the best friends.

Charles POV:

Lorenzo and I took the car back to Monaco, Lizzie, Arthur and Mum were flying. The whole ride I thought about the best way to break-up with Camille. I initially planned on doing it after Portimaõ, but she started to talk about New Years Eve and how excited she was. She had the idea of renting a yacht to celebrate with our closest friends months ago, she planned it all by herself and was always so happy and excited when she showed me the newest plans. I just didn’t have the heart to break up with her before that, not after she put so much effort into it. Seeing her this happy made it hard for me to break her heart like this. After all, she didn’t deserve this. So I planned to wait until after New Year's Eve. Let her have this day, let her bask in the moment, she worked so hard for. And then I’ll break her heart. Doesn’t sound much better.

"You’re awfully quiet." Lorenzo said after a long while of silence and I swallowed hard.

"Yeah, a lot is going on in my head…" I sighed and he chuckled.

"Camille?" he asked and I looked at him "Oh come on, I’m your brother! I know what’s going on in your head. At least some of it."

"You do? Then help me sort it out…" I said and he laughed.

"I can’t tell you what to do, Charles." he looked at me "But you’re smart, you figure it out."

"I already have… it’s just… I don’t want to hurt her." I said hesitantly.

"Who? Camille?" he asked and I nodded.

"Who else?" I replied.

"Maybe you’re not that smart…" he said under his breath and I looked at him "Why do you think you will hurt Camille?"

"Because I’m going to break up with her… after New Years, I’ll have her over and explain everything to her.." I answered.

"Smart boy…" he chuckled.

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes.

I just had to get New Years over with, let her have a day or two to relax afterwards and then have a conversation with her, I could do that. But I dreaded it. So much.

I felt dizzy, it probably wasn’t the best idea coming onto a yacht in my condition, but I promised it to Charles and now I couldn’t chicken out anymore. Big mistake. The constant whispers from Camille and her friends, the swaying of the yacht, it all was too much. I needed my medics and I needed them now. I got up from the lounger and walked to the stairs as I heard Camille and her friends talking downstairs, probably sitting in the lounge. I quietly walked down the stairs.

"Oh come on, why is she always hanging around him! Like she has no one else to talk to? And did you see her back? The scars? Eww! I would never ever again walk around in clothes so you could see it! Disgusting!" Camille sounded annoyed and I quietly sneaked away, almost bumping into Joris. He looked at me with sad eyes, and I knew he had heard what Camille and her friends said about me, but I just sent him my best fake smile and walked away. I quickly walked past Camille, trying to get into the cabin without being noticed.

"There you are, ma belle!" Charles almost yelled and I saw out of the corner of my eyes how Camille glared at me. He was drunk. I’ve never seen him this drunk before.

"Charles, I thought we talked about this… stop calling me that when your girlfriend is around!" I said it quietly and he only shrugged his shoulders.

"But you’re ma belle! And that’s your name! I always call you that? What am I supposed to say?" he asked and his confused look was just too adorable.

"My name, Lizzie. Remember?" I laughed and he shook his head.

"Lizzie is only for the others! But for me it’s ma belle! Because you are the most beautiful girl! And you are my girl! So you are ma belle!" he explained and I blushed. I could hear Camille scoff behind me and a glass breaking "Camille is just…" he began but I put my hand above his mouth.

"Stop talking, you’re drunk and don’t know what you’re saying!" I fake laughed and walked away, I nodded at Riccardo who understood and looked after Charles. I went back into the cabin, looking for my bag with my medics. I saw that I had a text from Arthur, but before I could check it, I dropped my meds and when I bent down to pick them up I was getting light headed, the dizziness only worsened. The throbbing pain in my temple was back again. I quickly sat down and took a deep breath. My brain began to fog up and I got up to go outside and get some fresh air. As I was holding on to the railing I heard steps coming towards me.

"Look who it is, ma belle!" Camille mocked and her three girlfriends just laughed "I mean I know that you’re not really the most stylish person, but still? Couldn’t you at least put some effort in your appearance?" their laughs were shrill and way too loud for my head and I wanted to walk away. For the first time in weeks my brain started to fog up to the point where I had to really focus on my speaking in order to get the words out correctly.

"Look Camille, I don’t know what your problem is with me, but I don’t have time for this now, sorry!" I said and Camille and her little flock started cackling.

"I’m sorry? I’m not speaking gibberish?" Camille laughed and I looked at her, heat rising in my cheeks. Focusing didn’t seem to work.

"Just leave me alone! Please! I don’t know why you always try to pick a fight with me!" again they only laughed harder.

"Oh no, poor little Lizzie's head is all mushy again! Maybe your little accident damaged your brain a little more than they thought?" Camille sneered and I walked back into the cabin, then I realised the tears streaming down my face. I grabbed my phone and sent a text to Arthur.

I packed my belongings into my bag, sat down on the couch and waited. Through the windows I could see that we were on our way back to the harbour. I closed my eyes. Only a couple of minutes and I could leave this god damn yacht and Camille and her entourage of mean girls. Every now and then a tear slipped down my cheeks. As we docked in the harbour I got up and grabbed my bag, I wanted to walk out as Charles walked in.

"Hey ma belle, I was looking for you? You looked a bit pale…" he began but then he realised the bag on my shoulder and my tear stained face and in an instant he cradled my face in his hands "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I’m just tired, Charlie. It wasn’t a good idea going on a yacht in my condition! You celebrate and have fun! Spend some time with Camille, I’ll be fine!" I said and pushed away from him, giving him a kiss on the cheek and started walking away but he grabbed my wrist.

"Ma belle, what is going on? I know you and it’s not your condition? You were doing so well the last few weeks! What happened? Where are you going?" he said, his voice stern, but I just tore my wrist out of his grasp and shook my head.

"I’m fine, Charles. It’s ok!" I whispered and left quickly. He stood there dumbfounded for a moment then he followed me.

"Ma belle? Lizzie?" he almost shouted it, his voice was laced with worry but also sounded a bit hurt and I only walked faster. Camille just grinned at me, her friends were laughing as I walked fast past them to the gangway that was set up by the deckhands. Joris looked at them furious.

"Lizzie, wait!" Charles sounded nearer this time but he was stopped by Camille, he wanted to push her away as Arthur appeared at the dock "What is Arthur doing here?"

I walked as fast as possible without falling in the water over the gangway, where Arthur grabbed my bag and held me to his side to steady me, everything started to spin and the pain in my head rose to a new high.

He opened the passenger door and helped me in, then walked around and got into the driver seat. I could see how Charles was furiously talking to Camille and Joris, hands flying through the air, always pointing in our direction.

"Are you sure you’re okay?" Arthur asked and I nodded, silent tears streaming down my face.

"Just drive home…" I whispered and Arthur started the car. For the first time in weeks I felt like this again, the throbbing pain in my temples, the impeded speech, shaky legs, problems to breathe properly, almost a full blown anxiety attack. And all because of Camille. Maybe I had to talk to Charles sooner rather than later.

Charles POV:

"What do you want to hear from me? She texted and asked if I could come pick her up and I did just that!" Arthur was furious.

"Why didn’t you call me? You could’ve told me that she was unwell and then I would take care of her!" I was even more furious.

"Charles, she wanted to leave the boat! End of the story! She didn’t want to stay there and celebrate with you!" he almost sounded annoyed.

"What’s that supposed to mean? She didn’t want to celebrate with me?" I asked him confused "She rather wanted to celebrate with you? At home? Alone?"

"Yes. Happy now?" he answered and sat back down on his sofa.

"Okay, what is going on here? Are you and Lizzie…? What about Clara?" it couldn’t be. Arthur and Lizzie?

"For fucks sake, Charles! My girlfriend isn’t the one who constantly dragged her down for the past year!" Arthur almost shouted it and glared angry at me.

"What do you mean?" I asked him as I try to stay calm and Arthur hid his face in his hands and groaned "Arthur, what the fuck do you mean?”

"I’m not supposed to tell you this! But come on, Charles? You’re telling me that you not only once realised how Camille treated Lizzie? How she glared at her, all her snarky remarks? How could you be so oblivious?" Arthur asked me and I sat down and leaned back, thinking about his words.

Camille was sometimes annoyed when I spent my down time with Lizzie instead of her, but she always said she understood? Although last year Lizzie and I didn’t spend much time together considering Covid first and then her accident. When she moved in with me to start with her recovery, Camille didn’t have a problem with it. Or did I just ignore her complaints? The more I thought about it, the more I realised that whenever I mentioned Lizzie Camille tried to change the topic immediately, tried to always keep us busy so I didn’t have much time to spend with Lizzie and not even once asked how she was after her accident. Arthur was right, how could I be so oblivious? I facepalmed myself and sighed.

"I am stupid…" I mumbled and Arthur only nodded.

"I’m not arguing with you on that, but Charles? Don’t you think it’s time that you tell Lizzie that you lo…" Arthur began but he got interrupted by a sound coming from the guest bedroom, the one Lizzie currently slept in "I think you should leave for now, you need to sort out your shit with Camille first, before you talk to Lizzie, she cried herself to sleep last night, she will pretend like she didn’t but I heard her."

"Take care of her!" I whispered and Arthur hugged me.

"Of course!" he said and I left, taking my phone out of my pocket. I texted Camille to meet me at my place in an hour, then I called Joris. He never liked Camille, I needed to know if it was because of Lizzie.

"I want to know everything." I said and Joris just groaned.

"She’ll kill me if I tell you…" Joris began but I cut him off.

"I don’t give a fuck, right now I should be your concern, because if you’re not telling me what I’ve been missing for a whole damn year, I’m the one coming for you!" I said.

"She was awful to Lizzie, always saying things to her that Lizzie’s just a friend of yours, that she is now the most important person in your life, that Lizzie should start to understand that your priorities are now on her and that Lizzie is not important anymore. She even got that far telling Lizzie to give you guys some more space and sent her away from, to quote her, "our flat"… like she would live there with you! And after Lizzies accident she and her bitchy friends always made fun of her when she needed a little longer to speak or when she couldn’t walk normally in the beginning… and the things they said about her back?! The scars? It was awful…" he said and with every word he spoke I felt sicker and sicker, I was trembling, anger surging through me.

"And why the fuck did no one tell me? Why did Lizzie tell you but never me?" I was furious.

"Because Lizzie didn’t tell us those things! I heard it! I saw it! We all did at some point! Camille never did those things when you were close by! But we all witnessed it! Do you remember your birthday? How Riccardo left in the middle of it out of nowhere? That was because of Camille! She was horrible towards Lizzie! Her friends commented on that video that someone took of her on your boat. Not nice things. And he was so fed up that he wanted to tell you, but Lizzie pleaded with him to not to so he agreed, but he was so mad that he had to leave otherwise he would’ve called her out in front of everyone! We all wanted to tell you more than once, Charles! But Lizzie… she thought that Camille made you this happy and she didn’t want to ruin your relationship!" Joris explained and I felt the bile rise up my throat.

"You still should’ve said something!" I almost shouted, I was mad and letting it out at Joris wasn’t fair but I had to let it out. I couldn’t hold it in.

"I wouldn’t have to say anything if you weren’t so fucking blind! And if she wasn’t so blind! You weren’t happy because of Camille! You were happy because of Lizzie! Not Camille! How could you even start dating her? When you clearly love Lizzie! You really thought your plan would work out? You will forget about your feelings for Lizzie because of Camille? The only thing you did with that was hurting Lizzie! You have no idea how many times Lizzie cried last year because of you! She tried everything to not ruin your birthday when you did just that back on her birthday! Not just that you came fucking late, no you ignored her for most of the night, you weren’t even singing with us and then you left earlier because of Camille but you didn’t even say goodbye to Lizzie! You fucking left her alone on her birthday! You know how much she hates celebrating it! You have no idea how many times I… no we had to see her heartbroken expression when you were faking being happy with Camille and Lizzie believed it! Just for you to not man up and confess your feelings to Lizzie! If you want to be mad at someone, then it’s you first and Camille second!" Joris got up and left.

I sat there dumbfounded. But after a while I had to admit, everything he said was right. Now it was time to finally do the right thing.

"You never gave us a real chance because of her, that wasn’t fair! I was always good to you!" she didn’t sound sad, more mad, disappointed and annoyed.

"You’re right. It wasn’t fair. And I can’t apologise enough for letting it come this far. But what you did Camille? Your friends did? What you said? The entire last year? Nothing of this was her fault! It was all me. I messed up and I know it. I’m sorry for hurting you, I really am." the only one to blame was me. I should’ve never even started this relationship in the first place.

"I didn’t mean what I was saying Charles, it was only a joke, yes I know, a bad one. But it’s always her, her, her! I guess I had to let it out at one point!" she defends and I sigh.

"Yeah, but then you should’ve let it all out on me. Not on her, after everything she’s been through! And it was more than a joke Camille! You were horrible to her the entire time! I was just too blind to see it! And that is entirely my fault! Because I was the one who was in a relationship with you even tho I’m not…" I stopped and Camille’s look changed.

"Go on, say it…" she said and I sighed.

"The time we spent together, how you always supported me although I didn’t deserve it, I can’t thank you enough for it, Camille… but I was never in love with you. I’m sorry… you deserve someone who is in love with you and not someone who’s just with you because it feels nice and content, because he can’t stay alone." I said it and she nodded.

"It was always her, right. I never had a chance, did I." it wasn’t a question.

"I wanted it not to be her, that’s why I gave us a chance in the first place, I was trying everything to bury the feelings that I had, no, that I have, for her… but you’re right, it was always her… it will always be her…" I answered and Camille smiled a little.

"Then do yourself a favour and tell her." and with that she got up and walked to the door. "Goodbye, Charles." and she was gone.

I didn’t know how long I sat there, thinking about what she said "Do yourself a favour and tell her", she was right. I had to tell Lizzie that I am in love with her, only her. But I couldn’t do it now, not after I just broke up with Camille, she couldn’t think that she was just a rebound. I needed to take my time, show her every day a bit more that I love her, because Camille was right, it was always her. And I was right as well, it always will be her. I flinched when my phone pinged, a message from Lizzie. Rather than texting back I called her.

"Ma belle."

"Hey Charlie, how are you?" she sounded nervous.

"I just broke up with Camille…" silence.

"I’m sorry." she sounded sincere.

"Don’t be. It’s better like this. There was too much baggage. Too much going the wrong way for too long."

"You still loved her…"

"No, I loved the fact of having a girlfriend, having someone by my side."

"Hmm, ok. Are you good? Do you want to be alone? Or do you want to come over? We’re ordering food and watching a movie…"

"I’ll be there in 20 minutes."

"See you then, Charlie bear."

"See you, ma belle." she hung up. I love you.

"Are you crazy? Who’s going to eat all of that?" Arthur looked at me with big eyes as I walked back from the door, 2 pizza boxes, 3 pasta dishes and 3 salad boxes already on the table, and now another big bag full of Indian and Chinese food as well.

"When you said you’d order something from everything, I didn’t think you would mean it quite literally?!" Carla chuckled and I just shrugged my shoulders.

"Charles is coming over as well…" I said and walked into the kitchen to get some cutlery, plates and glasses "Come on Arthi, the drinks won’t walk on their own!"

"So is it just him? Or is she coming as well… after yesterday? Do you really think it’s a good idea?" Arthur whispered and I sighed.

"He will probably tell you himself, so you know from nothing. He broke up with Camille, as of today…" I said quietly and Arthur’s smirk was getting bigger and bigger "Stop! He’s probably heartbro…"

"How can he be heartbroken when he never loved her!" Arthur mumbled and walked out the kitchen. Why was he saying that? Charles said the same? What do they know that I didn’t? The doorbell rang and I shook the thought out of my head and walked back into the living room and set everything down. Charles straight up walked to me and hugged me tight.

"Hey ma belle!" he whispered into my ear and I got goosebumps all over my body.

"Hey Charlie bear… are you okay?" I whispered back and he nodded.

"Very much… thank you!" he answered and took my hand in his, sat down and pulled me down right next to him.

"Is Camille coming as well?" Carla asked and I tensed up a little.

"No, she’s not coming, she’ll never come over again, to be honest. We broke up." Charles said and played with our intertwined fingers.

"Oh, thank god!" Carla let out and blushed immediately "I mean… oh god, I’m sorry! She’s a nice girl! Totally! I’m just- I’m just… umm…"

"It’s okay. I know what you mean. It’s better like this. She wasn’t the… let’s just say she wasn’t the right one." Charles said and Arthur chuckled.

"Yeah, I’m sure you’ll find the right one…" he said, voice oozing with sarcasm. I kicked his leg and he just chuckled even more "So, what are we watching?"

After a long discussion we settled for Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone and as we were all cuddled up on the sofa with plates full of food the film started and a pleasant silence fell over the room.

Charles POV:

"No, it’s alright. I’ll carry her to bed." I whispered and Carla gently tugged the blanket away. I got up carefully with Lizzie in my arms and Arthur walked in front of us, opening the door to his guest bedroom, switching on the light on the nightstand.

"You’ll stay here, right?" Arthur asked and I laid Lizzie down.

"Umm… should I?" I said quietly and he only nodded.

"Wait a minute…" he said and walked away before he came back with a t-shirt and some sweatpants "Good night, Char." he walked away but then turned around "You know that she loves you? And you love her? So whatever you’re doing, don’t hurt her again…" then he left.

I quickly changed into his spare clothes, went into the bathroom and washed myself as good as possible. Rinsed my mouth and walked back into the guest room, then I quietly closed the door and laid down next to Lizzie. I switched off the light and fell asleep almost immediately.

I stirred around, then groaned before laying on my side as I heard a little giggle.

"Hi, Charlie bear…" Lizzie’s voice was a little hoarse and she yawned.

"Hi, ma belle… I missed this…" I sighed and opened my eyes, looking into hers "Waking up from you rolling around to find a comfortable position again to sleep a little longer. And then your little giggle when you realise you woke me up…"

"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, it’s just that I was cold all of a sudden and no matter how I laid, it didn’t seem to warm up again…" she chuckled and I pulled her into me. Cuddling her body close to mine.

"Better?" I mumbled and closed my eyes again.

"Better." she whispered breathlessly and we laid like this for a while, before I decided to address the elephant in the room.

"Why didn’t you tell me? All the things that Camille did?" I whispered and Lizzie tensed up, breathing in audibly.

"She seemed to make you happy. You seemed to love her. That was all that mattered to me." she answered and my heart broke.

"She made you sick Lizzie, she was making you feel so anxious that your body reacted in the worst kind of way… my happiness wasn’t as important as your health!" I groaned but she just shook her head.

"No, Charles, that’s where you’re wrong. Your happiness is the most important thing for me! After everything you’ve been through, you deserved some happiness, so when I had to suffer because of it I did it and I would do it all over again…" she said and I held her even tighter in my arms.

"Nothing is more important than you, ma belle! You hear me? God, Lizzie! You’re the most important person in my life! I’m sorry for not seeing what she was doing, how she treated you, god I will never forgive myself for being so blind and oblivious!" I whispered but she shook her head again.

"Charles, you didn’t do anything wrong! There is nothing to forgive yourself! You loved her and she made you happy. Period." she sighed but now I shook my head.

"I never loved her. Not even in the slightest, I just liked having someone around. I hate being alone. I just can’t do it. But you had your own worries, then the accident, the recovery. Camille was convenient. And she was nice and sweet when it was just us. But, I never loved her. I know I sound like the biggest asshole on earth right now. But it’s the truth…" I said and Lizzie looked up at me with her big eyes, contemplating her next words.

"With any other girl I would say yes you’re an asshole, a huge one! But because it’s her? I’d say you’re just a teeny, tiny one, like this…" she laughed and pinched her thumb and pointer finger close together, almost touching.

"I think I can live with that." I answered and laughed as well.

"So what happens now? You’re officially on the market again! Single ladies of Monaco beware!" Lizzie laughed even more but I just shook my head and she stopped and looked at me.

"Nope. I’m not jumping into the next best relationship just because I don’t want to be alone. I’m waiting for the right girl to come around. However long it takes." I said and looked her determined in the eyes. She swallowed loudly and chuckled nervously.

"Yeah… however long it takes…" she answered and I smiled at her.

I will wait however long it takes for her to realise that for me it has always been her. And that she will be the only one I will have by my side ever again.

"That sounds really cold, Charles! You should reconsider that… I don’t want people to think that you’re an asshole!" I sighed but Charles only shook his head.

"I don’t care. We didn’t make any lasting memories, the texts she sent me the last few days showed me her true colours, she’s already out there planning a vacation with some other dude, 2 days after our break-up, saying he always treats her right… in these 2 days or what? And she said, to quote her, now she can finally live her life the way she wanted again." he said and I had to stop myself from laughing.

"Okay. Do whatever you want then." I said and he rolled his eyes.

"It’s posted. Water under the bridge." Charles said and I smiled at him.

Bye Camille…

————————————————————————

Little Note:

That's it, chapter 11 is out - Ding Dong, the Bitch is dead gone 🙌

Please leave a comment/ like/ reblog/ message and tell me how you liked it! I'm dying to hear your thoughts!

If you want to be added to the taglist, drop a comment!

Last but not least, English is not my first language and although I tried my best: please excuse any mistakes I made!

Taglist:

@silkenthusiasts @eugene-emt-roe @sunny44 @itsjustkhaos @glitterquadricorn @aundercover @kakorrhaphiphobia @alittlebitofbooksandmagic @ru-kru @glitterf1

All the images I’m using are from Google, Pinterest and Instagram.

[facewithoutheart]

Ten Questions for Writers

Thanks for the tags @shrekgogurt, @artsyunderstudy, @youarenevertooold, & @roomwithanopenfire I’m enjoying all this navel-gazing a whole bunch actually & I’ve done this before but it’s been awhile… sooo

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 169 (niiiice)

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? ~950k (yikes) although some of that is Birthday Man and collabs with people from WIP fest. Don’t ask me to do the math tho; that’s mean.

3. What fandoms do you write for? I’ve written for HP, Check Please, and RWRB although right now I’m mostly a CO writer with a toe dipping into 9-1-1. I have one Captain America fic posted and some WIPs I don’t know if I’ll finish. Nobody look at that AFTG fic; it’s pure crack.

4. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not? Whoo boy do I have thoughts here. I want to be the kind of writer who replies to comments and I harbor so much guilt that I’m not; I know I miss out on opportunities to connect with readers, and I genuinely appreciate comments so much; I hoard them in my inbox like a greedy lil affirmation dragon. I write to engage and connect. So, like, I know I should but at the same time I hate forcing interactions. I like them to spawn organically. I keep my circle small because I get really emotionally overwhelmed and then I feel guilty when I can’t give people what they deserve. And I’ve also never been comfortable with compliments or gratitude, I don’t trust them. So here’s a bulk of emotional trauma no one asked for to say: I don’t reply to comments as often as I feel I should and I’m trying to release the guilt I feel about this while also recognizing that not commenting probably has a direct negative affect on my ability to meet my goal of connecting through writing and at the same time my mental health probably couldn’t withstand the pressure I would need to place on it to get to where I’m replying to comments regularly. Hi I’m a mess who’s trying to love herself and often falls short of that goal; aren’t we all?

5. Have you ever had a fic stolen? No.

6. Have you ever co-written a fic before? So many actually! I didn’t think I’d ever get to a place where I trust someone else to the level this would take but I’ve been really lucky to work with some amazing writers even if not all of those works went anywhere. I actually don’t even think I could realistically tag all the people I’ve collabed with bc I’m afraid I’ll miss someone and isn’t that amazing? Personal growth; we love to see her.

7. What’s your all-time favorite ship? Oh man. I want to just be lame and say it’s me and Mr. Face 🤣 I shipped us when no one else did. Um! Snowbaz is always going to have a special place in my heart, but I’m really leaning into Buddie right now because of age and wanting to explore people in their 30’s still figuring out their lives while battling PTSD and late-in-life sexuality realizations. For, um. Reasons.

8. What are your writing strengths? I do like my dialogue a lot; dialogue is often where I start my scenes and I develop from there. I think I’ve done a good job of honing my ability to vary action/dialogue/internality a lot. I also think I keep people engaged or maybe I just keep myself engaged which is good enough for me. Sometimes I’m funny although sadly not as much recently.

9. What are your writing weaknesses? I struggle with remembering to add in physical descriptors. (Like oh shit have I ever mentioned this character has eyes?) Logistics are a frequent source of pain. (Wait, where were their hands?) I think my plots are kind of basic and boring; I don’t come up with really vivid and detailed concepts. I use the wrong words for things. I really hate detailing out backstory. I have to reread my fics a million times to maintain character consistency. Etc.

10. First fandom you wrote for? Hey Arnold. I wish I could find those fics; I bet they suck.

Tagging 10 peeps @sillyunicorn @mostlymaudlin @martsonmars @bookish-bogwitch @cutestkilla @ivelovedhimthroughworse @thewholelemon @palimpsessed @aristocratic-otter & @you-remind-me-of-the-babe

[leporellian]

OH FUCK I DIDN'T THINK THERE WERE PEOPLE ON TUMBLE WHO CARED ABT OPERA HI!!!

im like. i feel like im quite opera stupid compared to Opera People(tm) but i grew up with it so ive seen a whole lot of em

my parents both work in the biz in the way where like. a normal person doesn't know who the fuck they are but i am trying to be vague bc it's extremely possible you would?

anyway point being i am SO used to this being an extremely lame secret i can't tell anyone abt (i got to be a super once and had to literally BEG my friends to come see me even tho it was a comp ticket and even now they joke abt how the fact they still speak to me after sitting through it is a sign they must REALLY like me </3) so it's SO VERY COOL seeing someone else who likes it out here in the wild blue yonder hi hi hi hi hi

hello!!! there are a great deal many of us who love opera here!!! :)

if you'd like to see more opera blogs like myself the trick is usually to go either to the tags of individual operas or to '#opera tag'- '#opera' is a bit too general and gets overrun with aesthetic blogs and the like, haha. a lot of the blogs i interact w/ are also opera blogs too so feel free to check them out

also the 'opera being this weird thing everyone makes fun of' thing is SO REAL. for much of my life, barring my late grandmother, i was the only person i knew irl who loved opera on the level i did. it was at the level that, before she saw for herself, my mom thought papageno and figaro and the rest of them were imaginary friends or original characters i came up with LMFAO. i was often bullied for it as a kid and it was seen as that Weird Stupid Thing only i liked... the fact i was visibly autistic did not help matters either. for so long i was the only one, and it was only here on tumblr that i found people who liked it the way i did- it was only really after my high school graduation that i found people like myself in person.

and don't worry about feeling Opera Stupid- i regularly feel quite Opera Stupid and i am at a theatre college working towards a career in opera dramaturgy. i think everyone feels Opera Stupid at some point (and people that never do are they actually 'opera stupid' ones...)

i hope you enjoy your stay!! welcome to opera tumblr :)

[itsjaywalkers]

hi hi! since you blessed us with some nothing happens headcanons would you maybe be able to give us some possessive insane nothing happens james headcanons too? i’m so obsessed with him

hi darling!! and yes, ofc i can!! i feel a lil repetitive bc . u guys already are more than aware of how unhinged he is but . here we go

there have been a few instances of . boys trying to bully reg or be mean to him bc he's, objectively, a bit of a freak. kinda has some unsettling vibes, and he's . very shy very quiet . but this never really turned into anything bc james always found out (thanks to evan) and then cornered the little shits and threatened them. one time he even actually kicked their asses a lil. reg doesn't know about this

james checks reg's social media accs semi-regularly. and i mean, he uses reg's password to get into his accs and check . chats or comments and shit like that . not so much when they're young but after reg starts dating yk

he physically fights two of reg's bfs, and the other one he comes close to, but others hold him back before he can get far

when they go out clubbing, james never loses sight of reg, not even when he's in the mood to flirt or get laid, and the second he sees someone asking to buy reg a drink or getting a lil too close, he interrupts and gets super touchy, straight up says he's reg's bf if the guy is too insistent

offers to drive reg absolutely everywhere as soon as he gets his license

actually gets mad when pandora or evan or even sirius know something about reg that he doesn't, and makes reg feel guilty for not telling him/not telling him first

already mentioned this one but . one of the times he's fucking reg he forces him to call his current bf and keep a conversation with him while he's litelly . inside him . fucking him into the mattress

covers reg in hickeys when they make out or fool around and gets all pouty if reg decides to cover them up afterwards

calls reg or comes up with fake emergencies or excuses to text reg when he knows he's out on a date or hanging out with his current bf

coaxes reg into sleeping with him the first time while he's still with barty even tho reg is . a bit reluctant at the beginning bc he really doesn't want to cheat on barty since they're friends. with his other bfs, reg's the one who initiates the cheating quite often, but james had to . do some convincing the first time they had sex simply bc reg was with barty

barty finds out about the cheating bc james can't keep his fucking mouth shut and can't stand barty saying that reg is his etc etc

genuinely can't go more than a couple of days without seeing reg

when he knows reg is interested in someone, or finds someone pretty, he always finds something wrong with them and talks reg into not giving them a chance (this doesn't always work ofc, since reg ends up having 3 bfs before he and james get together)

even after shit hits the fan, james can't keep his distance from reg (although it's definitely what they both need after what happens)

he chooses reg over pretty much everyone else in his life

he's so fucking insane about him that even tho there was a brief time when he was interested in lily and lily was also interested in him . she decided to reject him bc she did NOT want to be involved in what was bound to be an absolute trainwreck of a relationship. james doesn't find out about this until a few years later, when lily confirms what she already suspected back then

and that's enough for now i think !!

[01-05-2001]

how are you so good at writing??? genuine question tho like what is your writing process or do you have any advice for someone trying to get more into/better at writing fiction?

hi anon!! thank you, this is so so sweet :3 i wouldn’t consider myself like. an authority on writing and i definitely think i have a lot to improve on, but here’s some advice i can offer up!

my general process for my oneshots is maybe unconventional? but it works for me.

a basic premise. eg, “oh, i want to write a caldre vibrator fic. how the hell is that going to work?” and figuring out how to get from point A to point B.

this is random, but it helps me keep track. at the top of all of my fics, i write this:

TITLE:

DESCRIPTION:

TAGS:

NOTES:

the title is usually left blank for a while. but the description is an incredibly short summary of the fic’s contents. tags helps me plan in advance for posting. the notes is just anything additional about their dynamic that i want to remind myself of. i find this really helpful to check back on every now and then.

bullet pointing key scenes of the fic. helps to have a writing buddy who can help you troubleshoot or bounce ideas off of!

under each bullet point, i write the scene out like a script, adding in notes about body language or general actions. i also copy paste in any little excerpts that come to me!

i find this the biggest step in avoiding writers block: blocking the entire scene helps keep the flow uninterrupted, helps me establish a pace, and helps to establish a strong tone in dialogue that i can then follow through in action and description. worst case scenario, i can just jump into the next line of dialogue and come back to fill in the gaps.

working top-down, i follow my script and fill in the gaps with action and description! this is obviously the hardest and lengthiest part, but that’s just the truth of it. i stick on some music or a video essay in the background and get to writing!

i usually end up working the start around, restructuring paragraphs until i find a flow.

Some general advice:

write what you enjoy. nothing will burn you out faster than trying to please everyone. it doesn’t matter if it’s cringe, or ooc, or whatever you think. write it if it makes you happy.

READ MORE - and REAL BOOKS (and poetry!). seriously. i notice the fastest improvement in my writing when i’m reading regularly. look at books you enjoy and ask: why do i like this? is it the themes, the characters? is it the writing style - the rhythm, dialogue, pacing? connecting with literature and developing analytical skills will seriously help so much. look at what you like and mirror it.

back to basics. especially with longer form stuff - use classic structures like three acts, freytag’s pyramid, etc. they are classics for a reason! learn the rules so you can know how to effectively break them. consider metaphors, flow, phonetics.

also, basic grammar and structure is non negotiable - walls of text or lack of punctuation will turn anyone off no matter how good the content is. i understand english isn’t everyone’s native language, but even a basic run through a spell or grammar checker online can make a world of difference.

on a more technical level:

variety is KEY. vary sentence length to keep a tight control over pacing, to control flow. read your sentences out loud to find the rhythm. try to keep from using the same structures or starters. sometimes i have to pull up another book to remind myself of different ways to open sentences when i’ve been staring at my writing for too long, lol

balancing description with succinctness is trial and error. IMO it’s better to be sparing than excessive. “purple prose” is hard to keep track of, and can feel like padding to a story. pacing is always, always key. remember, you CAN part with things: copy and paste little excerpts into a spare document. learn to delete!

understand the impact of intentional word choice. i love punchy verbs over wordy adverbials! but i also prefer to use descriptive phrases over niche words that readers won’t know. it’s about balance: complex language has its place, but using it intentionally is key. get a feel for a word’s nuance, otherwise your work can feel like Baby’s First Thesaurus. also, NEVER underestimate the impact of PHONETICS!!!