#I do this with mediocre media whenever I’m having an awful time. I end up traumabonding with it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

missinghan · 5 years ago

Text

radiant ⤖ han jisung

❖ genre : college!au ; love-hate relationship!au ; frenemies to lovers!au ; fluff

❖ word count : 10k.

❖ warning : explicit language & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you've made a mental note to yourself never to make dumb bets with J.One again because who knows you'll fall for Han Jisung over two cups of boba?

one.

College.

That specific morifying seven-letter word can literally make someone jump off a cliff. Like straight up, Lucifer would rather drink and bathe himself in holy water than to join one of the world's most traumatizing systems. Where knowledge is being drilled into people's mind like a tattoo, and it's not even a cute one, one that you most likely will regret later.

Man, what a life.

After highschool, most people thought they were ready, physically and mentally. That's not true. Did you really think that you're ready for monotonous lectures, for back-to-back assignments with ridiculous deadlines, for cramming forty slides of the PowerPoint presentation from your professor the night before an exam just because your brain cells decided to say 'fuck it' in the middle of the lecture ?

No one's ever ready for living to torture themselves.

Not even Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin, the boy you grew up having him right by your window. Hyunjin, that one kid in class who would always hand people his homework whenever they asked for it. He's too kind for this world, for his own good, you often say that to yourself but Hyunjin isn't really all that great.

He too takes pain in turning in assignments to the T.A and dreads his 9am classes tremendously. But, since he's got a rich ass uncle who has some spare apartments lying somewhat near college ( as long as he preserves the place and invites someone over to help paying the bills ), he doesn't have to deal with the struggles of living on campus.

And you, just happen to have the honor to live with him. Well, more like temporarily to see how things will work out later. You despise living on campus anyway.

"What's with the long face ? Did Minho ramble about his cats again instead of working ?" Hyunjin walks into the living room before dropping his keys into the gold-accent bowl that he previously purchased from a garage sale. It's quite convenient, actually, the keys never end up under the couch or some random drawers again.

You look up from your laptop screen, sparing him a glare and focusing back on your assignment. Being a media major is equivalent to taking lots of notes and a shit ton of reading which is a pain in the ass. Meanwhile, a theatre kid like your roommate has his midterms and finals as setting up plays for school's events. Pfft, privileged people.

You don't hate-hate the idea of going to school like some people, in fact, you genuinely love learning, but you're in desperate need of another word for 'child labour' to be applied to this ... situation.

"Ohoho.. It's way worse, trust me, you don't wanna know." You lean your head sideways on one of the pillows, words slightly slurred with your cheek being pressed against the soft surface.

Hyunjin raises his voice from the kitchen area. "Did he confess his love for you or something ?"

"Jesus no ! You know he's not into me like that." You almost screech and sit straight up. "We were supposed to finish our project that's due this Friday. And guess who else was there ? Another chick showed up ! I swear that I wasn't hallucinating, he brought a new one home every other day. She said she was just 'a friend'." You make the quote-on-quote sign with your fingers to emphasize.

You pull on your own hair dramatically with all your might, hissing under your breath just by recalling it. "And whenever we had a twenty-minute break every hour and a half or so, she keeps brushing herself against him, acting all innocent about it. I was deadass pissed off—"

"Woah woah, I don't think it's that—"

You throw your hands in the air helplessly, suppressing the urge to throw a tantrum. "It is that bad, Hyunjin ! The chick doesn't know how to take a fucking hint !" Whatever, Hyunjin is probably too tired to wait for you to finish complaining about some random classmate drooling over Minho because they do that all the time anyway.

"Damn." He sips on his apple juice. "I should come over next time. Might be a not-so-shitty, watered-down version of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'."

You shoot him a glare, closing your laptop shut. "I instantly regret moving in with you."

"Why ?" Hyunjin pouts and plops himself next to you on the beige-colored couch. He reaches for the remote on the coffee table while obnoxiously sipping on the box of juice.

"Because apparently, you love weird, gross, mushy noises as much as Minho does." You answer flatly, burying yourself deeper into the white fuzzy blanket. Actually, no. Living with Hyunjin isn't as bad as you're trying to make it sound.

He might not cook, but he knows some decent restaurant with reasonable prices. He might be all over the place sometimes while panicking over an upcoming exam but at least he keeps his space organized ( unlike Han Jisung, whose closet is a perfect resemblance of World War III ).

Hyunjin throws his apple juice into the nearby bin while scrolling through the 'Romance' section briefly. And sharing the same Netflix account is probably the best decision you two have ever made. "What's worth-hating here ? No smelly kids, no not-having-enough-personal-space problem. There's good food, a cute, quirky roommate which naturally equals good company. You're living your best life right now. The only downside to this is that you have to deal with my questionable sleeping habits."

Fine. Hwang Hyunjin is cute, and a total heartthrob to the entire school. You won't be surprised if every single male student hates him with a passion ( which they do ). Not to mention, all of your female classmates would be more than happy to finish all of your assignments within two days as long as you hand over his number. Although they might want to reconsider due to the fact that this good-looking boy is also that person who records his alarm by yelling at the top of his lungs into his phone speaker.

But, a good friend wouldn't do that, because even God doesn't know what those creepy girls would do once they had their hands on his phone number. This is also why you always get dirty looks from everyone just because you just happen to be his plus-one for everything.

And Hwang Hyunjin only needs a plus-one when Seungmin decides to hate him on that day ( which is almost everyday ). So there goes your reputation. You're probably nothing but a mediocre girl who just doesn't know when not to be all over her hot best friend in the people's eyes.

Hyunjin snaps his head towards the front door when the bell rings then proceeds to turn back to his roommate, showing those ridiculously adorable puppy that naturally implies as 'Get the door for me, will ya ?'. And although all you want to do is to slap him with your laptop, you still stand up nonetheless. You undo the chains and slides the lock over before swinging the door open.

"Hyunjin, I was wondering if you wanna come see us perform this Saturday. You know, at the school's mini music festival. 8p.m. Got two tickets to spare. You can get yourself a plus-one or something." And before you - with an obnoxiously loud tone, the leather jacket and Balenciaga cap - is Changbin, who sassily brushes past you and makes a beeline towards the couch, where Hyunjin is man-spreading, wrapped up securely in his white fluffy blanket.

He lazily sits up from his previous position, receiving the tickets with half-open eyes. "I'll go. As long as 'Wow' is on schedule." 'Wow' is 3racha's first and most definitely last attempt of a love song but somehow, it's managed to get itself a special place in Hyunjin's heart. Well, more accurately, everyone's heart.

Changbin cocks an eyebrow. "It's first on the list actually." He then turns to you with a smirk spread across his lips. "Whatcha say, Y/N ? We all know your favorite line is 'Excuse me noona, do you have a boyfriend ?' from the lovely J.One." He refers to one of Jisung's lines in a love song which he wrote at the age of 16, Changbin wasn’t even 18 himself then. Good times. And now literally every girl is more than ready to throw themselves at him anytime, anywhere. Chan really didn't lie when he proclaimed 3racha as 'hot'.

You shake your head with a timid smile tugged on your lips. "I don't think so Bin, I'm having midterms on Monday, J.One can be saved later as my midnight snack whenever I wanna grill his ass for pestering me during the golden hour aka 3a.m."

Midterms sound good enough for an excuse because everyone would literally kill keep their A-s on those report cards. But unfortunately, you can't just play on the infamous SpearB that easily because apparently, being roommates with Hyunjin has absolutely nothing to do with improving your awful acting skills.

Just then, the most inappropriate, insufferable, infuriating, and other synonyms for 'annoying' clapback clicks inside Changbin's brain when an imaginary lightbulb pops up at the top of his head. "Man, you two are really out there banging each other in secret—"

And out the door he goes before you feel the need to personally stitch up his lips with your terrible sewing skills from elementary school. You close your eyes and takes in a deep breath, shutting the door behind your back while Hyunjin is too busy laughing his ass off on the couch.

This is getting to the point where you don't even need Han Jisung to be here to have the urge to strangle him, because his trash friends are no help at all.

two.

You step onto the bus with your earbuds on, right hand dropping the bus ticket into the glass box that's neatly placed right beside the driver's seat. Another day, another 4 hours of lectures and 2 continuous shifts which is another 5 hours at the café on campus, in which, sucks. But, what makes it even suckier comes right in three, two, one..

"Two people please !" A disturbingly obnoxious voice chirps right behind you. Just then, a figure dashes through the couple who are currently throwing daggers at him with their eyes. Not this again. You groans to yourself before sliding an extra ticket into the box because you definitely know better than to mess with a cranky bus driver. That boy over there really gotta pay for that shit.

Then, you take a seat beside the window, deciding to ignore the pest who just made you spend an extra ticket for his ride. You really should have taken another bus instead of the 325. Suddenly, a hand reaches towards one of your earbuds and pulls it out quickly. A puff of air hits your left eardrums like a rush of electricity, causing you to jump a bit.

"Can you stay still for a good span of 10 fucking seconds ?" You deadpan and and snap your head around. And before you - with slightly damp fringe covering his warm brown orbs, cute button nose and peachy lips ( gross ) - is Han Jisung. More accurately, the bane of your existence.

Jisung chuckles loudly at the big scowl on your face as he angles his head to take a proper look at you. You look like you just rolled out of bed, literally, not even metaphorically. Sweatpants, flannels and sneakers are the way to go if you're gonna be on your feet all day running around to serve sleep-deprived students and professors. Of course you look like a complete bum, it's 9a.m. What did he expect ?

"Aw." He pouts. "Where's the fun in that then, little cub ?"

And when Jisung reaches a hand out to pat your head, you frowns at his particularly ridiculous nickname for you and slaps his hand away. He watched the new remake of 'The Lion King' before the new semester started and cried like a total baby when Mufasa fell off the cliff, said Felix. Honestly, you wouldn't blame him because those devastating thirty seconds remain to be the most heartbreaking scene that Disney has ever invented. But still, the nickname is painfully unoriginal.

"Man, I hope you bombed your midterms or something." You speak up flatly, a slightly better retort lingering at the tip of your tongue but you're far too tired to argue with him anyway. And not to mention, your previous statement is completely useless because if Hwang Hyunjin is that kid who works his ass off to get good grades then Jisung is the complete opposite of that. He can sleep through ten lectures and still get a minimum of 90% on his exams. The perks of being a prodigy since newborn, can't relate.

Jisung feigns a painful expression, scrunching his nose up in fake agony. "How supportive of you, so incredibly validating." He cocks his head upwards carelessly, giving you a full view of his side profile.

Okay. Despite his annoying personality and questionable nicknames for everyone then Han Jisung is kinda attractive. You get it, you get it, Hwang Hyunjin is attractive but this prick is another kind of attractive.

Whenever he screams his heart out at the mic on stage, there are literal silver and gold specks floating in his eyes like an explosion of stardust scattered across the whole universe. And the way he conveys his emotions into his lyrics to perform an entire song on stage is just tremendously remarkable. No wonder all the girls always come rushing in when J.One is on stage.

Wait, were you thinking about Han Jisung or J.One ? But no, Han Jisung is J.One. It's just that J.One is slightly cooler than Jisung because he doesn't pester people until they have a cardiac arrest. Whatever, your brain is already yelling for retirement.

"You are coming to watch my performance right ?" Jisung suddenly leans over, your noses almost touching. Being the idiotic person that you are, your body immediately locks itself in place, hissing slightly at the current proximity. Great, now what ?

"Ooh." A low whistle escapes his lips. "You were too busy checking me out. It's okay, that's understandable. Not everyone can have a close-up of J.One's out-of-this-world visual." He flips his imaginary long hair and you make a gagging noise.

"I was not !" You exclaim upon embarrassment, cheeks turning into a bright shade of coral. "There's just something in your teeth."

"Uh huh, I doubt it." Yeah, he would never buy that. Jisung smiles at you cheekily and once again, Han Jisung has proved that he's the kind of guy who has the particular type of smile that makes you want to knock their teeth out. Although you can't help but fall for it nonetheless. Very typical of you. "So, are you coming or nah ?"

Your heart tingles a bit, and you feel like you can just pass out right here right now on this stupid bus in the middle of this stupid conversation with his stupid boy and his stupid smile. "No, I have my midterms on Monday. Guess who's pulling all nighters again ?" You push his face away because if not, you might as well just explode and make a fool of yourself.

"Ahhhh, why not ?" Jisung whines as if there's no tomorrow. "It's not like you enjoy drowning yourself in Kang's 40 slides of 'History of Media 101' anyway." Now, for once in a fairly long time, the bastard finally said something that wasn't complete bullshit. And you're starting to reconsider your decision because although Han Jisung is undeniably insufferable, J.One can make it up with his dope performances. But then again, you really just don't want to see his face on Saturdays.

Suddenly he rolls himself over again, his lips drawing a devilish smile. You can tell already from the dangerous look in his eyes, it's not going to end well.

"Are you in for a bet ? If I win, you'll have to go. But if you win, I'll do whatever you want me to, for an entire week. You're basically the privileged one here, don't even deny it."

three.

Changbin wakes up from his long nap to find Chan having his eyes glued to the laptop's screen as if his life depends on it. It makes him wonder how long his friend has been working on the rearrangement of all their songs for this Saturday's music festival.

"I see that you're making quite the progress." He grunts slightly before sitting up straight. The small faux leather couch that their school has in the band practice room isn't exactly the most comfortable thing to sleep on. But after what seems like an eternity in the lecture hall, tolerating the professor's rant then Changbin wouldn't even mind sleeping on the floor.

Chan slowly peels his eyes away from the screen and blinks numerous times so that he won't potentially go blind. He looks over at Changbin's slouch figure on the couch, tapping away on his phone and smiles dumbly at some memes that Minho just DM-ed to their group chat.

"Damn right, I just finished chopping up the bits of back-up vocals. I feel like my back is so fragile that it might break in half if I stand up." He runs a hand through his mop of black hair that's nowhere near the definition of 'doable' and yawns into his other palm.

He peeks over his shoulder to see Hyunjin and Felix sleeping while leaning against the mirror, Minho laying on top of Jeongin as he chuckles creepily at his phone. And Woojin is too busy singing his heart out with his guitar in the corner to notice Seungmin capturing everyone in their greatest glory, meaning when they're all a hot mess.

Changbin swings his legs over and slips into his black Adidas slides, walking over to Chan in a sluggish manner. He crouches down a bit while squinting his eyes to take a proper look at the laptop screen. Chan indeed has finished most of it, no wonder he looks ( and probably smells ) like trash. "I'll give you a hand, just send these over to me after when you got home." He says, giving his friend a pat on his back.

"Yeah sure," Chan puts a hand over his mouth to cover up another yawn. "By the way, where the fuck is Jisung ? He hasn't been answering my texts all morning."

Changbin gives him an indifferent shrug. "He said he would be on campus all day on Thursdays since he has classes and work right after- hold on he's texting me."

[ 5:23pm ]

piece of shit : where are you guys ?

baby changbin : band room, clearly you never listened.

[ 5:24pm ]

piece of shit : yeesh, I was busy you ass. texting y/n and all.

baby changbin : it was fucking 3a.m. !

[ 5:25pm ]

piece of shit : whatever, we'll be there in two.

He pauses for a while and lets the words sink in. Why "we" and not "I" ? Since when this was a plural thing ? Did all of those lectures and serving sleep-deprived students fuck up his brain cells ?

Wow, now Changbin feels bold to assume that Han Jisung even own brain cells. And before he can show the texts to the rest of his friends to make fun of Jisung while he's not here, the glass door swings open. Hyunjin and Felix jolt up in surprise at the same time, almost bumping their heads together at the creaking sound.

"We got you kids boba, wake up wake up hurry hurry SCHNELL !" Jisung screeches loudly when he pushes himself through the front door, accidentally making you bump your forehead into the dull glass surface.

You follows him inside with a big scowl on your face, quickly passing Changbin the plastic bags. Yes, you can hear the polar bears crying in the distance loud and clear but unluckily you only have two hands for ten cups of boba.

"Why boba all of a sudden ?" Minho looks up from his phone in boredom as Jeongin is utterly dying underneath, slapping his palm repeatedly against the floor in exhaustion.

Minho feels ( kinda ) bad for him and decides to roll himself over, setting Jeongin free from his miserable state. "Did you two go on a date or something ?" The youngest one's features morph into a frown, eyeing the two up and down in caution when he crosses his legs together.

You make an unimpressed face and glares at Jisung, who's currently hogging the entire black couch on his own. "Who the fuck would make their date carry everything then ? You tell me Jeongin."

Woojin stands up after craning his neck and shakes his head in disapproval. "My greatest disappointment, Han Jisung, would do that unfortunately." He walks over to Felix and Hyunjin to get himself a cup from the bag.

"Let's be honest, you'd still date him even if he does that anyway. I haven never seen any other girl who has the courage to personally rummage through his disastrous closet just to steal a hoodie." He takes a sip and smirks at the black hoodie that you're wearing. Woojin thinks you should definitely give yourself more credit because personally, he can't be bothered to step into Jisung's room, much less his closet.

You're still slightly confused for a moment there but quickly look down and almost gasp in realization. "I can explain—"

"Don't worry Y/N, if he ever mistreats you, you best believe that he's not gonna see tomorrow's daylight." Felix supplies unhelpfully over a mouthful of boba. Since when did he become such a nuisance ? But he's not entirely wrong because if no one volunteers to skin Jisung alive when he leaves you with a broken heart then Hyunjin will literally disown him. He doesn't care if it's legal or not because even a law student like Woojin would be on his side in this.

You hold up your hand defeatedly. "The jerk purposely left it on my couch back at the apartment. And Hyunjin didn't want to return nor wash it so I was obligated to do that myself. Eventually, the hoodie just ended up on a hanger right behind my bedroom door. Not to mention, I was running late earlier and had nothing to wear." You finish your sentence, realizing that your roommate has been giving you a 'wtf' face all his time.

"Out of reasons already ?" Chan chirps, raising a dark brow.

Okay.

In your defense, it's a goddamn good hoodie. The material is actually really nice that you might accidentally fall asleep if you wear this to class. You didn't mind the design on it either, kinda boyish but very funky, almost hippie looking. And last but not least, the smell of it is intoxicating, leaving you yearning for more. That's also equivalent to Jisung smells nice ( ew ) and your cheeks automatically heat up at the thought of feeling like he's hugging you whenever you wear it.

You frantically try to explain with expressive hands. "Look, guys—"

"You're going this Saturday !!" Jisung's voice suddenly booms behind your back as he declares loudly like it's the most worth-knowing thing in the whole wide world. The guys trade confused look with each other, not knowing what nonsense their friend is babbling about. Whatever, they don't have to either way. "You're going, you're going, you're going !"

You look over at Hyunjin's cup in disbelief, completely full and untouched. Meanwhile, Felix has already finished his drink in between the 15-minute conversation. You blinks and quickly comprehends the new amount of information, you lost the bet. Which means...

Screw midterms.

four.

Screw the music festival, you’re not going anywhere.

“How’s this ?” Hyunjin steps out from his room with a white dress shirt tucked inside his skinny jeans. And you hate him even more now because your roommate looks totally #boyfriendmaterial in every outfit that he’s been trying for the past half an hour. Really, Hyunjin should give himself more credit for his looks because you bet girls would still throw themselves at him even if he showed up to school looking homeless and all.

You look up from your phone in boredom. “Looks good to me.”

Upon your flat reply, Hyunjin shoots you a glare. “Good ? It only stops there at ‘good’ ? Then which item in my closet appeals to you as ‘spectacular’ or ‘breathtaking’ ? Should I just hire a personal stylist or something ?” He wants to snap at you but ends up whining like a elementary school kid that’s not allowed to drink his favorite soda from the vending machine.

“Dude, eat a chill pill.” You frown slightly at his particularly dramatic ass ( tsk, drama majors ) and decide to put your phone down. “You’re going to a music festival, at uni. Not attending some kind of award shows for celebrities.”

Hyunjin snickers before clicking his tongue. “And you’re planning on wearing that ?”

Your roommate is stressing himself over being overdressed for an event. You, on the other hand, haven’t even made up your mind about an outfit yet and your plus-one is picking you up in less than 30 minutes. And you’re still here, on the couch, in your pyjamas. Call it madness but personally, you wouldn’t mind wearing this to the music festival. Music is technically art in some kind of shape or form and only uncultured swines judge those who prefer being comfy over fashionable.

Come on, it’s art. Your pyjamas can express yourself in some sort of way right ?

“Stop shitting on my Mickey Mouse sweatpants as if it’s something straight out of the 1910s.” You protest, urging to throw the jar filled with gummy bear on the coffee table at his precious face. Mickey is definitely not going anywhere since you guys have been bonding since middle school.

Hyunjin pauses in the middle of his track going back into his room. Suddenly he turns around and smiles at you creepily. “It’s Jisung, isn’t it ?”

Yeah, no. Most definitely not. Still not him. Nuh uh. Okay… Maybe it’s because you don’t want to embarrass your plus-one because he’s also a total heartthrob. Maybe, it could be something about the fact that you’re afraid you’re not gonna look as good as your roommate. Or maybe it’s something inside the can of Redbull that you downed last night while rewatching the last episode of ‘Goblin’. You don’t even like Redbull.

Shit, you’re running out of excuses already.

“Actually, I was thinking that it’d be better if I didn’t show up.” You confess timidly, scared to meet Hyunjin’s confused expression.

When you gather enough courage to look up, he looks absolutely unimpressed and partially disappointed. “And you’re just gonna rain-check on Choi Yeonjun like that ? Changbin’s not letting this slide, I’ll tell you that.” He shakes his head in disapproval, this time turning on his heels to walk towards his bedroom door.

Something inside your stomach is tickling, as if it’s trying to tell you that you’re about to commit some kind of unforgivable sin if you don’t go to the festival. And just when you’re about to ignore it and wrap yourself up warmly on the L-shaped couch like the lazy bum that you are, your phone buzzes.

[ 4:24pm ]

yeonjun | I’ll be there in five.

five.

Only losers go to a music festival without a plus-one.

Hyunjin is one lucky bastard because Seungmin is tolerating his ass for the day. Meanwhile, Woojin is too busy pestering Felix to let him sneak into backstage looking for Changbin. And by now, everyone probably knows that Minho is secretly obsessed with Jeongin since he's decided to stick himself to the youngest like the spoiled parasite that he is. But that's not the point. Point is : you're terrible at navigation so you're obligated to get yourself a plus-one.

And he just happens to be Choi Yeonjun, that one business major who's secretly a dancer that left everyone's wig flying to Africa during last year's prom. You two have walked past each other before between periods and since he's an acquaintance of Changbin, he'd always wave back at you with the sweetest smile. You see him as a fun person to be around, kinda like a sunshine.

But what you didn't know is that, if your group of friend's chaotic energy is 3000, then Yeonjun alone is already on another level.

"Why the long face Y/N ? Enjoy the music, relax, let the night set you free !" Yeonjun chuckles at the frown on your face as he swings an arm over your shoulder. You can already tell that he's getting a bit tipsy from his tinted red cheeks and his breath smells like beer. Never knew the guy couldn't go heavy with his alcohol. Much like your roommate himself.

You peel the red plastic cup away from his hand to abandon it on some random table, dragging him away from the bar before his friend - Beomgyu, offers him some kind of sketchy looking drink. The kid is only a freshman and you feel like you should strangle the person who permitted him to be the bartender for the night.

"Alright, that's enough beer for you." You tell him mild-seriously, partially because you don't want him to end up knocked out in the middle of nowhere and partially because you can't contain someone who's drunk, not even yourself. "Let's find Soobin, I bet he's running around campus looking for your ass."

"What do you mean he's looking for my ass ? He's at home playing stupid boardgames with stupid Taehyun." Yeonjun slurs, shaking the haziness away furiously before fluttering his eyes upwards. "Look !" He squeals a little bit too loudly for anyone's liking. "It's your boyfriend !"

You abruptly put your index finger on his lips. "Shh shhh ! Han Jisung is not my boyfriend ! Watch your mouth, please, I beg." You hush him and glance around to look for any signs of Hyunjin or Felix popping out from a random bush to make fun of you. "We're barely friends, why would you think that we're dating ?!" You cry dramatically, cheeks burning with a bright shade of pink.

The blue haired boy makes a thinking face, which you think it's undeniably cute, before pointing towards the stage. "Because he's looking at you ?" He says cluelessly, giggling while clapping happily like a seal.

You unconsciously lift your head to eye the stage. Time seems to stop when you realize Jisung has been staring at you all this time. His expression is unfathomable. Your heart starts thundering loudly inside your rib cage, so loud that it overcomes the loud EDM music in the background, so loud that you're afraid he might hear it even when he's so far away.

In this light, in the middle of your chaos, there is Jisung. And he's absolutely otherworldly, radiant, dazzling, coruscating. Gosh, you can go on forever if your brain cells allow you to.

The moment he breaks eye contact, that's when you're pondering over who is it that your heart is beating for. Han Jisung ? Or is it just J.One ? Because you've seen Jisung as a total pest who never takes things seriously, who always makes you pay an extra ticket for his ride to uni, who spontaneously sends you derp pictures of him in the middle of a lecture. But no matter where you go, he would constantly pop up inside your mind out of nowhere. Like a phantom.

Suddenly, Chan's voice booms through the speaker, making you jump. "The performance of 3racha will be delayed due to technical errors. We apologize for this inconvenience." You stand there dumbly, blinking numerous times for his words to sink in. The question here isn't really 'what?' but 'why?'. 3racha take music very seriously and they're not the type to slack off any performances even if it's just for a school's small event.

You snap your head back to the stage, Chan and Changbin are talking to a technical staff, an apologetic smile blooming on their faces. But wait, where the fuck is Jisung ?

"Told ya !" Yeonjun hiccups into your ear. "What kind of non-boyfriend will cancel a performance just to come and see you like this ?" You should have gone with Hyunjin, you really should.. You bet he's not even half as drunk a Yeonjun right now since all Seungmin drinks is kombucha.

Unexpectedly, and also expectedly, you find yourself staring at Jisung, who's speed-walking towards your direction, like a complete dumbass. There's fire flickering at the back of his irises, burning intensely onto you. His brows are knitted together, his jacket hanging slightly over his shoulder, teasing you with a flash of his biceps. You also notice how the microphone is still there, in his hand.

Did he fucking leave the stage just to see you ?

Jisung breathes out a puff of smoke from the chilly air. "Y/N, got you."

Your heart actually feels like it’s hanging on the edges when your name rolls off his tongue so tenderly. "And you are ?" He looks over at Yeonjun with an almost disgusted expression, his hand instinctively reaching for yours. You don't blame him either way because Yeonjun looks like he just made it out of one of the world's most traumatizing lunatic asylum with shitty security. And Jisung wouldn't let you walk around with a crazy guy attached to you like a total creep. Not when he's monitoring.

“Y/N’s plus-one ?”

“Well that makes two of us.”

Yeonjun holds his hands up as if he's being held at gunpoint. "Easy, dude, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. She's all yours." He laughs, sounding almost too nervous to be true because Jisung is somewhat scary whenever someone gets on his bad side. Just ask Highschool Hyunjin.

"You're wasted as fuck, what makes you think that I'll let you go home alone like this ?" You say, flinching slightly when you feel Jisung tightens his grip on your hand. He cocks a brow as if he's testing you.

"Nah, I'm not going anywhere. Just gonna swing by the bar, Beomgyu probably came up with something to knock me out." Without a proper goodbye nor a hug like his normally playful self usually does, the blue haired boy turns on his heels to walk away from the scene. And you exhale deeply out of relief, not because you hated Yeonjun's company, you might actually hang out with him again. Just not where there's alcohol.

Jisung still hasn't let go of your hand yet, and surprisingly, you don't want him to. "I take that as you two aren't dating ?" He questions, studying your features more closely. You're really pretty, he thinks. Jisung has never once hesitant about using the word 'pretty' for you and he's not afraid to show it either. It's just that you never bothered to notice.

"No ? Hyunjin decided to ditch me for Seungmin and Yeonjun's a mutual friend through Changbin so we texted, and he picked me up after when Hyunjin left." You give him a weird look, confused by how pissed off he looks right now. "And I take that as you're jealous ?"

Jisung laughs humorously, his voice doused in dry sarcasm. "Huh, funny. Last time I checked, you were supposed to be backstage with me since you lost the bet, not clinging yourself onto some hot guy from Changbin's Biochem 101." Of course Jisung is pissed off. How could he not when you're all smiling and laughing with another guy, when he has an arm over your shoulder, holding you so lovingly, so tightly ? Another guy that's not him.

You widen your eyes at how ridiculous he sounds, almost in disbelief. "Excuse you ? Since when 'being backstage with you' was even a thing in our bet ?" Yeah, completely unheard of. "And I was not clinging onto him, I'll have you know that he chugged on a bottle of Hennie and ended up wobbling around like a fucking toddler !"

Your voice is getting louder and louder by the second, chest heaving up and down in anger because he is in fact, being extra insufferable tonight. You haven’t seen him acting like this since he officially declared cold war with Hyunjin back in junior year highschool.

"Oh yeah ? Then what ? You liked that ? It makes me sick to the stomach seeing you giggling at one of his stupid jokes. You seemed so fucking comfortable even when he's this close ?" Jisung tugs in your arm to pull you closer, his cool breath fanning your forehead. Your cheeks unknowingly feel hot, but you're not going to admit it to his face. "You're completely okay with this ?"

You grimace a stiff smile. "Of course I am." Oh boy were you wrong.

"Even now ?" He places his hands over your shoulder to bend down, angling his face so that the tip of his nose is brushing over yours. His gaze pierces right through you, leaving you completely stripped and vulnerable. And you hate every single part of this. You hate how you heart is swelling, how his touches burn like fire, how much effect he has on you with such minimal effort.

Jisung says with a devilish smirk blooming on his lips. "Hmm ? I don't know Y/N, you look pretty burnt up to me."

"It's because of the heat—" You instantly regret what you said when it starts to rain. Droplets of water repeatedly tap against your skin like clear champagne. A cloud shadows over you two and another splatter of rain comes along. Goosebumps rise on your skin at the cool sensation as your limbs lock themselves in place. Jisung has never broken eye contact with yours since then, specks of good and silver floating in his eyes like a brilliant explosion of a supernova.

Just when you thought your lips was gonna collide, something unexpected happens. Jisung takes off his jacket and swings it over your shoulders. He gently holds you by the waist as he hurries you inside, your gaze never once leaves his features. He's saying something but you can't quite catch it, it's hard to concentrate when he's being all affectionate and sweet to you like this.

You are far too busy telling your heart not to explode.

six.

Felix stomps over to your table and slams his tray of food down aggressively. Everyone peels their eyes off what they’re doing for the time being, throwing a weird look towards him. With a satisfied smile on his face, Felix drops his notebook onto the table. Changbin glances at him with an expressionless face, almost yawned in boredom. “And how did it go again ?” He drawls tiredly as if he has heard the same joke over and over for an entire week.

“You know that feeling when you feel like you’re completely detached from your own body and just stare at yourself from above ? I was up there, mind blank while my mouth couldn’t stop blabbering about what ever the fuck was on those slides. I ditched my Flashcards, completely untouched, 5 minutes has never flown by so quick. Boom, the professor didn’t even think twice about giving me an A.” Felix leans back on his chair comfortably after wrapping up his story.

Seungmin scrunches his nose at his friend. “Yeah sure, it’s an A. Big fucking deal.” Kim Seungmin basically has a full scholarship straight to college in the middle of his senior highschool year, you can say that he has the right to be unimpressed.

Minho shrugs indifferently, scrolling through his feed to kill some time. “It is for Yongbok apparently, give him a break. You know he hardly gets any when his brain only consists of Seo Changbin and Fortnite.”

Felix hisses at the older boy like a cat when you accidentally step on its tail, threatening to gouge out one of his eyes with the plastic fork on his hand. Minho being on his ass 24/7 just makes college that much more of a hellhole. He can’t help but roll his eyes in annoyance because no one is even trying to spare a ‘Good job’ or ‘Good for you’. He might actually need new friends, Felix ponders.

But wait, something’s missing.

Jisung didn’t even try to make fun of him. And he never missed a single chance to pester him or call him out every time he’s all giddy over good grades. In other words, his secret life as a potential nerd has been foiled thanks to Han Jisung. But apparently, girls find it hot when a nerd is secretly a dancer.

He looks over to his friend and frowns furiously. A hood thrown over his head, eyes glued to his laptop screen, Jisung looks extra antisocial today and Felix can feel something’s off because he would be jumping around, yelling into your ears by now, not making a PowerPoint presentation. “What’s wrong with you two ?” He asks, noticing how you’re also acting strange.

You’re mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, and stop abruptly at a new post from @j.one. It’s a picture of Jisung grinning while gripping on a microphone followed by a caption “Always have so much fun performing w/ my bros, @spearB & @cb97 - photo by @princehwang #SocialSaturday”.

You almost snickered, feeling the need to change it into “#TBT”. Not only because this photo was taken months ago for a summer music festival nearby Uni, but also because this bright side of Han Jisung no longer exists. He hardly talked to you since Saturday, ignored you when you made eye-contact with him on the hallways, didn’t even ask you to pay for his ride.

Basically, he’s making a fuss out of nothing. But you wouldn’t say that it feels good not having him call you ‘little cub’ 50 times a day or send you random messages during a lecture like ‘go out with me ?’. You never take them seriously anyway because he can’t like you just like that, right ? “Ask him, not me.” You raise a brow towards Jisung, earning a glare from him as a reply. “I’m not the one who’s being petty over me going to a music festival with Choi Yeonjun.”

Jisung sighs dramatically and shuts his laptop close. “Is that all you got ?” He inquires sarcastically as if he’s gonna set you on fire if you dare to try him.

“That’s what I said the first time we played Mario Kart together, isn’t it ? I totally kicked your ass, to the curb.” You protest as the blood running through your veins slowly boils. If it weren’t for Hyunjin to hold your shoulders in place, you would have thrown hands at Jisung.

Jisung slams his hands onto the surface of the table harshly, almost knocked the whole table over. “Yeah, that’s why Chan never lets you drive because you’re exactly the reason for all of our wild turbulence. Because you suck at driving !”

You feel like you’re being held in a chokehold, literally and metaphorically because you can’t even drag Jisung down to the very bottom of Hell when you’re fully capable of doing that. Not before you kill him with your bare hands.

“I mean one of us had to have the guts to drive everyone back after a party where y’all got fucking wasted. College parties are so lit, they say. Who the fuck does three keg stands in a row just to run around the neighborhood shirtless later on ?!” You clatter loudly, earning a ‘wtf’ look from the students at the opposite table.

“Who wants another milkshake ? It’s on me.” Woojin interrupts the two of you, already pulling out his wallet in a rush.

Jisung’s ears automatically turn red, and you smirk at the sight of his pink cheeks upon both embarrassment and anger. “What did you just say ?”

“Ten milkshakes it is.” Chan drags Woojin out of his seat and the two of them helplessly walk towards the canteen cashier from across your table. He’s already given up, you can tell. Because if not, he would just personally hang Jisung upside down on a tree ( his natural habitat ) so that he can cool down before he said something he’d definitely regret later.

You push Hyunjin away and stand up right, staring at Jisung dead in the eye. “What’s wrong ? Cat got your tongue ?” Are you finally getting back at him ? Is this how victory taste like ?

“Say that again and I’m gonna— ugh ! Christ, I hate you !” Jisung sounds like he’s on the verge of exploding and you’re absolutely enjoying every single moment of this.

You mock him in amusement. “You’re gonna what ?”

“I’m gonna fucking kiss—“

Before Jisung could finish his sentence, Minho pulls his friend backwards and Jisung once again lands on his bottom, onto the wooden bench. “Okay, I don’t wanna ruin the heat but at least spare some of your sanity for the sake of publicity, yeah ? You know, if you guys wanna make out that bad, there’s always a restroom.”

Sanity ? For the sake of publicity ? Well, that changes everything. “WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE OUT LEE MINHO YOU FUCKING BASTARD ! DON’T MAKE ME KNOCK KNOCK UPSIDE YOUR HEAD, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SH-“ You’ve come to a decision that if Han Jisung doesn’t end up somewhere six feet under the ground, then Lee Minho - aka his best friend - is taking his bullet for today.

“Woah woah, Y/N, easy girl, easy.” Hyunjin holds you back with both hands. Okay, he gets why Jeongin doesn’t want to come over whenever you and Jisung are breathing in the same room now.

Jeongin scrunches his nose as he obnoxiously chews on his tuna sandwich. “Yeah, you guys need to cool down a little bit. You know, just chill out. That’s enough for your ‘friendly banter’, let the others enjoy their lunch in peace, will you ?”

You and Jisung continuously give each other death stares for the rest of your lunch break. Even when Chan and Woojin come rushing back with five cups of milkshakes each, even when it’s your favorite flavor in the entire world, it can never put out the fire of wrath that’s burning furiously deep inside. All you want to do is to have Han Jisung down on his knees and beg you for his life like how King Stefan did to Maleficent. The only difference is that Jisung actually doesn’t have a daughter.

Is that too much to ask for ?

seven.

[ 2:35pm ]

yeonjun | hey, I need to talk to you…

yeonjun | nearby café after school ? I can just wait if you’re getting out late.

You read the message on your way out of the lecture hall and widen your eyes. The hour displayed on your screen reads ‘3:45pm’. You immediately push your way through the crowd of sweaty students and run down the hallway like a psychopath. God, Yeonjun has been sitting alone at the café like a complete fool just because of you. Now you feel like a terrible human being.

“Woah, where are you going in such a hurry ?” Hyunjin yells at you loudly when you brush past him and Jeongin.

You hastily shout back at him before continuing to run. “Don’t wait for me ! Just spare me some left over !”

When you arrive at the café, you feel like you should give yourself a pat on the shoulder because you don't think you’ve ever run that fast before in your entire life. Not even for the marathon competitions during middle school.

And the café looks somewhat different today, something smells weird too, you notice. Then you realize that they just repainted the whole thing, replacing the old teal blue color into a warmer brownish color. The walls and windows are decorated with fairy lights, like a cherry on a sundae, it’s perfect for the upcoming winter break. Because students aren’t just gonna come here for the caffeine, they’re gonna hog this place for themselves sooner or later to get at least one aesthetic photo for the holiday.

You quickly spot Yeonjun sitting alone in the color while having his headphones on, slowly dozing off to the music. His cup of iced macchiato remains untouched with water dipping on the sides. A pang of guilt hits you almost instantly when you start walking towards his direction. As you sit down on the opposite seat, Yeonjun suddenly startles and shakes his sleepiness away.

“Hey, I’m so sorry, my phone was off all day.” You say with an apologetic smile on your face, feeling the guilt keeps piling onto your shoulders. “You could just leave or something, I wouldn’t be mad.”

Yeonjun removes his headphones and laughs slightly, scratching the nape of his neck. “It’s fine,” He waves his hands at you to tell you that everything’s okay. “I really need that short nap after all. God, I was dreading my neuroscience assignment all day. But hey, I really need to talk to you, that’s why I was so determined to wait.”

“Don’t even, Yeonjun. You could have just gone home and rest.” You shake your head at him in defeat. You swear to God, he’s too kind. “What’s so important that you wanted to talk to me so badly ?” You ask while flipping through the menu. The weather has been pretty chilly lately, it might be nice to have a hot chocolate.

Yeonjun’s ears turn red at your words and he starts to dart his eyes around, scared to meet your eyes. “I— uhm, look, I just—“ He stammers with tinted pink cheeks, which you find ridiculously adorable. “I just wanted to say sorry for what happened on Saturday.” He manages to squeak out and you have to hold back the urge to laugh. “I shouldn't have drunk that much beer, right ? You should feel lucky that I left you with your boyfriend because I may or may not have thrown up all over Beomgyu. He almost kicked me off a cliff, I’m not overexaggerating, I swear.”

That’s not true. Yeonjun should be the one who needs to feel lucky because not only didn’t Beomgyu leave him on some random sidewalks, he personally called Taehyun to bring him extra clothes and had an Uber to get them three back home before midnight. He knows Beomgyu is too utterly soft for him to murder him in his sleep anyway.

You smile at him before waving the waiter boy over to punch in your order. “Choi Yeonjun, it’s fine, really. You’re so much fun to hang around. But next time, no more beer for you, get it ?” Upon your teasing, he lets out a nervous chuckle. And little did you know, he’s planning on telling you something much, much more horrendous. “And how many times do I need to tell you that Jisung is not my boyfriend ?”

“Just not yet.” He corrects you, and you’re stuck between the ideas of strangling Han Jisung and throwing Choi Yeonjun off a cliff. Or maybe both. “You guys caused quite the scene during lunch break. You two bickered like an old married couple. Not to mention, you’ve probably ended up on everyone’s social medial by now.”

Your eyes widen in terror. A tape of you, and Han Jisung yelling at each other at the top of your lungs is on the Internet. Since a young age, you’ve come to realize that nothing on the internet ever really goes away. And that thought scares you shitless. Great, now everyone will think of you two as that one loud couple who always argue over stupid things. “I’m so fucking screwed— give me a sec, someone’s texting me.”

[ 4:12 pm ]

han | where are you ?

y/n | why would that matter ?

han | you’re on a date right ? with him.

y/n | han jisung are you watching me ? wtf you creep !?

[ 4:13pm ]

han | do you like him ?

han | just answer me honestly for once.

y/n | so you ARE jealous. hah, busted.

But wait, why would he be jealous ? That makes no sense.

[ 4:14pm ]

han | so what if i’m jealous ?

Your heart stops as a small ‘huh?’ escapes your lips. Yeonjun looks at you with a confused expression, almost develops a mild interest in what made you so flustered. But he guessed it either way because it’s too obvious who’s the only person that has this kind of effect on you.

han | i was the one who asked you out first, it’s not fair !

y/n | ...

y/n | hey, are you drunk ?

[ 4:15pm ]

han | i’m as sober as i can be, enjoy your pretty little date y/n.

When everything’s already a mess, when you’re at a loss for words, Hyunjin’s abrupt call is something else more than just fuel to the fire. “Y/N ! Have you seen Jisung ?” Your roommate sounds alarmed on the other end and your stomach automatically twists into a knot.

“No, I haven’t seen him since lunch… why ?” The uneasy feeling has been ghosting your gut since you received the questionable texts from Jisung, and you’re afraid to hear what Hyunjin’s gonna say next. “What’s wrong ? What happened to him ?” You bombard him with questions after questions, fiddling your fingers nervously in fear.

Yeonjun quickly senses something’s off and reaches his hand outwards. He places his hand over yours gently, rubbing little circles to remind you to calm down. There are a thousand bad scenarios running through your mind like lightning of what could have happened to Jisung. What if he’s about to do something stupid ? What if he’s hurting, and no one ever asked ? What if… it’s all because of you ?

“Hyunjin, just fucking answer me !” You almost snapped, finding the silence on the other line extremely disturbing.

He replies breathlessly, as if he’s already given up. “He’s gone.”

“What do you mean he’s gone ?” You can’t believe your own ears at this point.

Hyunjin sounds like he’s about to have a mental breakdown. “Changbin said he hadn’t been home when his shift was supposed to end at 3. Chan said he wasn’t on campus either, nor the band room. We’ve checked everywhere, not his house, not the usual boba place, not even his favorite get-away spots. He ran away, Y/N, no one knows why. And I’m scared..” Your heart instantly drops to the pit of your stomach.

Not even his favorite get-away spots.. We’ve checked everywhere.

But Jisung would never tell them about all of his get-away spots.

eight.

Jisung unlocks his phone and sees several missed calls from his group of friends along with endless texts but his eyes only linger on some particular ones.

[ 7:23pm ]

y/n | can we just talk this out ?

y/n | this is so fucking childish of you.

y/n | I don’t care if you want to kick me out of your life.

y/n | I’m coming for you.

Jisung doesn’t know whether he should be crying or laughing. Basically, he’s emotionally restrained.

Because apparently, life is preposterous. One moment you’re laughing while being pissed off when he annoys the heck out of you. Then later you would ditch him to have yourself wrapped around another guy’s arms. Hours ago, you were on the edge of pushing his limits into the unknown and now you’re being all concerned and worried about him. He feels mildly exasperated partially because you’re playing with his heart, and partially because he allows you to do that.

He has been watching you from behind all this time. He always has so much on his mind that keeps him awake at nights but never really knows how to convey his feelings for you into words. Maybe that’s why J.One can only write love songs in vain. So being the genius person that he is, he thought ( and still think ) that the only way to approach you was to make fun of you. He can only call you questionable nicknames all day because he doesn’t have the heart to actually call you ‘babe’ in a genuine way. He would always end up spitting out something less than appropriate or stick his nose into your business because he can never fathom the courage to say a simple ‘I love you’. Yes, Jisung knows that he’s a coward for making such excuses but the thought of putting his heart into someone else’s hand scares him shitless. Not that he has never gone through a heartbreak before but the scars never really go away.

Honestly, Jisung has never thought that he would end up liking you this much. He still vividly remembers the day that you two met for the first time. It was freshman year highschool, he got signed up for a role in the drama club at the time being thanks to Hyunjin and suddenly he saw you sitting alone in a corner, struggling over a piece of prop for the set.

Even when it’s the awkward phase, you took his breath right away like ‘whoosh’, leaving him utterly speechless when your eyes collide. From then on, you’re the ‘nothing’ that people ask him about whenever he looks like he’s spacing out. You’re the only thing that keeps lingering in his mind, impossible to forget. He finally understands why people are always so giddy about their crush because once you like someone, everything changes. Like how your smile seems to be even brighter than the Sun, how your goofy laugh feels like music to his ears, or how every little thing that you do affects him way too damn much. Woah, he understands why his group of friends said that he’s so whipped for you now.

Jisung doesn’t know what to think or what to feel anymore. He really doesn’t. He hates how you keep switching between ‘the Y/N who hates Jisung with passion’ and ‘the Y/N who genuinely worries about Jisung’. It drives him nuts not knowing how you really feel about him. Jisung swipes his index finger upwards and presses the ‘Airplane Mode’ button from the Control Center settings. He can’t afford having Chan or Minho screaming directly at his ears after when he ran away like that. Maybe he is childish after all.

“Han Jisung !”

Jisung snaps his head backwards to find you standing there, disheveled hair, hands supporting on your knees with a glint of fierceness in your eyes. With the dim source of light from the Moon, you’re glowing under all of the sentimental glory that leaves him completely flustered. He’s really predictable, he thinks. Of course you’d know that he would end up choosing the park where he used to hang out with Seungmin since kindergarten. It’s also where he bawled his eyes out after his first breakup, having you rub little circles on his back and tell him that everything’s gonna be alright.

“What are you doing here ?” He asks soullessly although his heart his yelling at him to fall into your embrace.

“I told you, didn’t I ?” You say, breaths growing more even by the seconds. “I’m coming for you, I don’t care if you’re gonna kick me out of your life because I’m not allowing that.”

Jisung snickers, clicking his tongue in annoyance. “You rain-checked on Choi Yeonjun just like that ? Aren’t you afraid that he’s gonna break up with you tomorrow after finding you that you’re rummaging through the entire city to look for me, an absolute bastard who never leaves well enough alone ?”

You shoot him a stern look, brows slightly furrowed. “You didn’t let me finish, how rude. I’m trying to prove a point, don’t you see ? If I really didn’t give two fucks about you then why would I be here ? If I was really dating Choi Yeonjun then I could have just stayed at home and cuddled with him until Hyunjin kicked him out of our apartment. It’s been almost three hours, Jisung. Three fucking hours. I was running from place to place like a psychopath, got lost on some random streets, just to find you. Yes, just for you.”

He squints his eyes at you skeptically. “And your point is ?”

“I care about you.” You don’t even need to consider anything at this point and that has Jisung’s jaw dropped to the ground. “I could never hate you, even if I do, I can’t hate you for the rest of my life for my own good. Even when you call me ‘little cub’ fifty times a day, even when you make me pay for your ride, even when we almost threw hands at each other during lunch break, my feelings for you never change. Not even one bit.” You state confidently, taking long strides towards him.

Jisung looks at you with a blank expression, his lips pressed into a thin line. “I don’t know Y/N. You’re a fucking hot mess. For all I know, you second-guessed most of your decisions in life. What if you decided to pull—“ That’s it, you’re not enduring his ‘what if’-s bullshit any longer.

Without a word, you grab Jisung by the collar and pull him flush against you. When your lips collide with his, it feels like you’re being sent to the Moon and back continuously. Sparks of joy, lust, and mixed emotions ignite inside his heart when you trace your tongue over his then it explodes like a firework that lights up the eerie darkness effortlessly. Jisung slowly gives in and melts into the kiss, his hands snaking around your waist to hold you closer, feeling your warmth radiating off on his flannels. You’re the first one to pull away, hands trailing behind the nape of his neck. “I can say that giving away my first kiss is enough to prove that the only thing I’ve never second-guessed was liking you.” You say breathlessly, trying to ignore the rouge on your cheeks.

“I am your first kiss ?” He widens his eyes slightly.

You scoff at him while trying to act casual. “Be grateful at least you brat.” Jisung chuckles softly at you, slightly taken aback at your bold action as the feeling of your lips on his chills him to the bones. “Point taken.” At that moment, you quickly realize how his warm brown eyes hold their own galaxy with the stars shining so brightly that makes your heart swell. At that moment, you also realize that Jisung is your Sun because his smile alone can light up the whole celestial sphere. Meanwhile you’re his Moon because no matter what happens, you’ll always be here to brighten him up on the darkest of days.

And you both know that as long as you have each other, you will forever be radiant.

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rolaplayor101 · 4 years ago

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Hi again!!! I'm back at it again with my unconditional love and support!!! You're an amazing artist like honestly it suprises how incredible you are!! Not only that but your edits are incredibly well done and your writing is really really Good!!!! I hope that you continue to do what you do and know that I will continue to support you!!!!! Lots of love💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜-Slyy

Again, thank you Slyy💚💚💚

But I'm gonna be honest with you-- I don't think so. I think a lot of my art is actually really bad, my edits are mediocre at best, and my writing is...well it definitely needs a lot of work.

Honestly? I'm thinking of giving up this whole social media thing. I dont think I'm cut out for it. It's just too much. At this point i dont even know what I'm doing. Every time my art seems to get better, there's nothing to show for it. And it usually doesn't last, either. I'm seriously thinking about just disappearing off the face of the earth one of these days.

My pride edits are trashy, lets be honest. They're too messy and unclean. Too low res. I could prob get better at it if I tried, but why would I? Ya know? It's just so meaningless in the first place.

And my writing? The syntax is so bad. It doesn't flow well at all. Plot-wise, I think I'm pretty good. But a story can only survive if it's written well, and the sentence structure really takes away from what my stories could be. Every scene could hit deeper in the feels if i could just find the right grammar and writing style, but I can never think hard/well enough to get there.

I really dislike everything I'm doing right now. Its fun in the moment, i guess, sometimes, but afterwards it's just awful and i never have the motivation or the talent to fix anything once it's done with. I just go "that's good enough" and "no ones gonna care anyway" and move on but that also feels really bad, but everything i make feels bad afterwards, and when it does somehow feel good and like I achieved something great, it doesn't do well online. It's a never ending loop of disappointment.

Nowadays it's gotten harder and harder for me to feel good at all. I'm sad all the time. Like, all the time. It's very rare that i feel good. It's either a vague numbness with a sadness layered under it or its just full on depression, no in between. Even when things are going alright. Even after I've finished a satisfying task, like doing the dishes or finishing a bunch of art- it's only satisfying for maybe two minutes afterwards and then I feel really bad again.

And going back and reading my old writings isn't helping either, cause most of my stuff was only written three weeks ago and already im over critical of them and really don't care for them. They just read bad. And I want to rewrite them but i don't have the energy or motivation to do them and as soon as I do have motivation and sit down, when I look at the page filled with words i just get really unmotivated again and in my head.

Basically, everything's awful.

I'm prob not gonna delete my blog or actually stop posting here. I have a lot of art stored up to post, but when I'm out of those then I'm probably just gonna be out and if I make anything worth posting I'll probably post it whenever. But I dunno. This social media thing isn't for me. I'm too weak-hearted. I dunno...

I might stick to posting memes

#there's a lot of think pieces i agree with in my likes that ill probably post #i also have a lot of hot takes that i cant post too that'll get me QuotE in trouble QuotE #followers #tw depressive #tw depressing thoughts #depression #ask #it got especially bad this morning and i mean REALLY bad like suicdl ideation bad #i thoight i should maybe tell someone about it so im telling you guys #but if you actually did read all of that- dont get weird about it. i dont need to be patronized #also been feeling VERY HEIGHTENED art envy-- like super heightened its very bad

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livlaughlfc · 5 years ago

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Where the reader is in Trent’s documentary eg; Trent laughing on the table and in the kitchen and they are just best friends. They have known each other forever and they just banter all the time.

Thank you for requesting! I decided to put two requests in one since they’re very similar. I hope you like it :)

Racing with Hope

“So we just have to act normal?” you asked Rubi.

“Like the cameras aren’t even here” she replied.

Rubi, a good friend of Trent’s, needed to create a short

You were hesitant at first. You and Trent had practically been each other’s best friends outside of your families, but because you were non-familial best friends, whenever you and Trent had been spotted together, the tabloids always made such a big deal about your relationship. You knew the tabloids had to be part of Trent’s life, but they were always particularly awful with you –– claiming you “snuck your way” into his inner circles or how you were the reason for his mediocre performances whenever they came about. It was exhausting and anxiety-inducing whenever you went out in public with him, and remembering all this, suddenly being in this documentary didn’t seem like the best decision.

You were shaking your legs and tapping your hands on the table as you waited for Rubi and her team to be done setting all the cameras up. Noticing your anxious behavior, Trent purposely sat down next to you and placed his hand over your jittering one.

Rubi noticed his actions, cutting her conversation with Tyler short to tell her cameraman to record his conversation with you.

“You ok?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I’m just a little worried about the tabloids.” you replied.

“You know all those tabloids spit lies, and I’m not going to change my relationship with you or hide you just because some idiot reporter wants to earn an extra pound,” he said, knowing exactly why those tabloids were stressing you out and reassuring you otherwise. “But if it’s that nerve-wracking, I can ask Rubi to put the cameras where they can’t see you,” he suggested.

“No, I’m really fine,” you said, “plus, it wouldn’t be a real documentary about you without your best friend in it,” placing your hand under your chin to make a grace face. He laughed at your joke and shook his head at you.

“Yeah, maybe we should ask Rubi to change the camera angles because I don’t know how she’s going to get any shots of me with your inflated head in the way.”

“Well it’d be a great change of scenery to see my beautiful face instead of the boring grey and black color scheme of your house” you said. Trent rolled his eyes at you, knowing you disapproved of his monochrome color scheme. “Like really. Would it kill you to have a pop of color here and there? Maybe a gold or a red?”

“Yeah yeah yeah. Whatever you say. Danny’s all done preparing the food. Let’s eat” he said as he stuck his hand out to help you up.

After that conversation, it was as though the cameras weren’t even there, and you enjoyed a delicious Chinese dinner with Trent and other amazing friends with some great banter.

Trent didn’t mention this to you in case it would pressure you to do something you were uncomfortable with, but he was so glad you decided to stay because your presence helped him relax and really show the documentary his authentic self.

Once the documentary was released, you immediately clicked to watch it, but when it got to the dinner at his house, you saw how Rubi included your conversation with Trent. At first you were alarmed because it was such a candid moment, so even though you said you’d avoid social media and the tabloids in the days following the documentary’s release, you couldn’t help but scroll through the comment section of the video.

You prepared yourself for the horrible comments, but all you saw were supportive comments about Trent being the best right-back in the world, the most humble athlete, and when it came to you, comments that shipped you with him.

Livlaughlfc: I know they’re just friends, but just look at how Trent looks at Y/N!! I totally see them getting together soon!!

randomyoutubeusername: I want someone to look at me the way Trent looks at Y/N

You were confused by what they meant –– I mean, you and Trent were just best friends –– but sure enough, when you rewatched the scenes of the documentary with you in it, you noticed Trent’s worried gaze at you while you were rambling and then his arguably loving gaze when you began your banter.

You sat there in shock, eyes as round as saucepans with millions of thoughts crossed your brain at a time, jumping to all kinds of conclusions and trying to understand what to make of this situation. Your heart raced, nearly jumping out of your ribcage in panic, but deep down, you knew it was racing with hope.

#Trent alexander arnold #Trent alexander arnold imagine #Trent alexander arnold blurb #footballer imagine #footballer blurb #liverpool fc

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jetsandbennie · 6 years ago

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the name situation.

summary: the main problem during your pregnancy is choosing the name - every part of it.

warnings: fluff, slight angst, pregnancy

pairing: ben hardy x joe mazzello x reader

Every month, Joe claimed your stomach was the perfect size. He’d been saying it since you first ran out of the bathroom to your boyfriends and told them you swore there was a bump, at every ultrasound where the fruit size of your baby got larger, at every milestone you passed.

‘It’s the perfect size!’

The sentiment was - admittedly - overused but you appreciated it. It gave you confidence, how both of your boys treated your swollen belly. Joe, complimenting you every day, and Ben, who considered a moment wasted if his hand wasn’t feeling the baby inside of you. When the three of you went to sleep you tended to be in the middle, both of their arms crossed over you so they could feel the swell as they slept. When the baby kicked for the first time, Ben got on his knees and felt it and cried into Joe’s lap.

You loved it all. Loved how they loved it. When you’d found out about the pregnancy you’d worried beyond belief, that they would grow distant from you, perhaps find more comfort in each other as your body changed. But the past nine months had been possibly the best of your relationship, and if you could go back in time and tell your past self not to worry because they’d love you even more while you carried their child, you would in a heartbeat.

Save your past self all of that worry.

In the grand scheme of things the pregnancy had gone perfect. Any confidence issues you’d faced, about your stomach and your boobs and the excess weight the baby was giving you, evaporated any time the boys managed to get it out of you. The boys would wake up at ungodly hours to get you any of the foods the bean craved, and your sex live remained as lively and healthy as it could be in your state.

There were - struggles, admittedly, but the majority were tiny. Like the few hate comments you’d get on their posts about you - on one particular occasion, Joe posted a picture of his palm over your stomach and you’d received a particularly nasty comment that involved the word whore, and in your overly hormonal state it had made you cry. Comments in a relationship like yours weren’t unheard of but they did suck, especially during pregnancy. But the boys had comforted you, replied brutally to the comment, and worshipped you until you could barely remember what the comment said.

Some problems were a bit bigger, like the decision to even announce it on social media in the first place, which Ben, surprisingly, had been vehemently against. But in the end you’d decided - fans deserved to know, and when the baby came it would be worse to just announce it then. So the announcement posts went up, and the response was largely positive. Another big one was the name situation, which had stretched for a significantly large portion of your pregnancy.

“I don’t understand how we haven’t found a single good name!” Ben complained one evening, as the three of you sat on the couch in the living room, flipping through baby name books, some forgotten movie playing on the television. You’d been there for nearly an hour, “They all just don’t seem right.”

“I know,” you mused softly, running your finger down the list of unique unisex baby names in one of the books Joe had bought from the book store in, what he called, a baby frenzy. Included in the frenzy was a bag of toys, clothes, and numerous baby help books. You had read them all. “At this point, it’ll pop out and we’ll have to call it unnamed. And it’ll be unnamed for its entire life, and it’ll hate us.”

Joe cringed to himself, scrolling through his phone, head in Ben’s lap. “Don’t call our baby it! She’s a she!”

You rolled your eyes. “I’m telling you, Joe, I don’t think it’s a girl. Mother’s instinct is always right.”

“Doesn’t father’s instinct exist?”

“No!” you and Ben chided in, and Joe grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.

Ben shut the book he’d been flipping through and leaned forward to set it on the coffee table, running his newly occupied fingers through Joe’s hair. The ginger smiled slightly, meeting Ben’s eyes and giving him a grin. “Wouldn’t it be easier to pick a name if we knew the gender?” questioned Ben, narrowing his eyes at you.

You furrowed your brows, leaning into Ben’s side. “How? We can’t find names when we’re looking for both genders, let alone if we had to narrow it down.”

“I’m just say - “

Joe interrupted the blonde, “You were outnumbered, Benny. Two against one. You never stood a chance. Now shut up and watch Marley and Me.”

Ben shifted to wrap an arm around your shoulders, pulling you closer to him. He stuck his bottom lip out, just a bit, but he couldn’t stop the small smile from spreading across his face. It always happened involuntarily when Joe affectionately referred to him as Benny. “It’s is such a sad movie, baby. Why do you like it?”

“Because it’s good! Now shut up!”

And the three of you fell into silence again, though you continued to flip through your book, eyes trailing through the K section. All of the bloody names felt either too modern or too old, too long or too short. Seeing as you didn’t know the gender you reckoned a unisex name would be better but none of them jumped out at you. Imagining calling the bean some of those names - you couldn’t fathom it.

Eventually you rested the book on the cushion beside you, still open to the pages of L names. You tugged a blanket off the back of the couch and wrapped yourself into it, leaning fully into Ben. Your hand joined his, running through Joe’s fluffy, ginger hair - he loved getting his hair played with and you and Ben were all too happy to provide.

“What about Marley?”

Joe’s voice was quiet with the suggestion, and you contemplated it briefly.

“You want to name our baby after a dog?” Ben questioned, fingers coming to a halt in his hair. “No.”

“Wait, wait. It could be cute.” You paused. “But what if people ask where we got the name from and we have to tell them we got it from Marley and Me? That’s embarrassing for us and the baby.”

“We can say we got it from somewhere else,” said Joe. “Like Bob Marley or something.”

Ben laughed and then said, “That doesn’t change the fact that we actually got it from Marley and Me.”

“We’ll put it in our back pockets.” You promised, and then glanced at Ben with a grin. Joe was a goof, the look said. It was one you practiced often, since before you even added Joe into the equation, when he was just your oddly close friend. But now - well.

You didn’t talk for another couple of minutes - your mind was half on the movie and half on the name discussion. Marley wasn’t awful, but it wasn’t perfect and you needed the name to be perfect. You weren’t carrying the baby for nine months to give them a mediocre name. And after nearly six months of sitting on various different names, none of them working, you felt like hope was nearly totally gone.

After nearly a half hour of just watching the movie - tears welling up in your eyes repeatedly, and you kept having to wipe your cheeks with your sleeve - Joe spoke up again. “Well - what about Marla? If it’s a girl - which it will be - and for a boy - ”

“Joe.” Ben stated without hesitating, and Joe looked up at him with a smile. “Joseph IV. I mean, it has to be. It’s only right. We need another Joe in our lives, anyway.” And the three of you shared a small laugh.

You smiled, moving your hand from Joe’s hair to his cheek, and leaning up to kiss Ben’s cheek. A grin slowly spread across your face, your heart swelling.

“I love it. I love both of them.”

And - once that portion of the name conflict had been resolved there was another one, a more serious one, as you neared the 38 week point. Your stomach swelled beyond belief, you decorated the baby’s room (well, more accurately Ben and Joe did but you sat on the rocking chair in the corner and watched as they put together the crib) and you packed a hospital bag for when the exact moment came.

You, Ben and Joe had been lying in bed after a long bath - one that had lasted until the water ran cold and the bubbles had nearly gone - clean and giggly and heavy lidded. You were resting on your back, a pillow beneath you for the pains you’d acquired during pregnancy. It seemed like every muscle in your body was aching, no matter what, but none worse than your back. Thus, the pillow, constantly beneath you whenever you were lying on your back. Joe had his face buried in your shoulder, Ben thrown half over his body. Ben’s hand sat at the top of your stomach, yours over his, the baby stirring ever so slightly inside you. As you gotten closer to your due date the baby became more and more restless, always finding time to move and kick.

“Sweetheart.” Joe murmured, and you weren’t exactly sure to whom he was speaking to but you didn’t reckon it really mattered. “What is the last name going to be?”

You paused, but before you could answer Ben said, “I thought it would be Hardy-Mazzello, you know? What else?”

“Rather long.” the ginger mused, his cheek pressed against your shoulder.

“Maybe, but we need to get both of your names in there.” You paused and then smiled. “Yours is what makes it long, Mr. Mazzello. You know that, right?”

Joe brought his arm up and pinched your arm, and you giggled. There was another beat of silence before Ben said, “Why d’you bring it up again? We’ve talked about it before.”

Joe said, “I don’t know. Don’t you think it should be just one of our names?”

“No.” came your immediate response, harsher and blunter than you’d intended. You softened your voice. “No,” you repeated. “I don’t want the baby to have only one of your last names. You’re both it’s dads. So it’ll have both of your last names. It doesn’t have to be complicated.”

Ben rested his chin against Joe’s chest, his brows furrowed as he stared at his boyfriend’s face. “Joe - “

“Doesn’t it have to be complicated, though? There’s three of us.” Joe’s words were making you frown a bit more every syllable. “Technically, only one of us can be the dad, and - “

“Joe.” Ben’s voice was quiet. Shaky. “We’re both the dads. You know that. The baby - it’s both of ours.”

“It’s Hardy-Mazzello - it has to be. Why don’t you want that?” You brought your hand to rest on Joe’s cheek, blinking in the darkness. Whatever happy mood you’d felt earlier had nearly evaporated with the turn in conversation - it was odd.

“I don’t know.” You could tell Joe wasn’t being completely honest so you waited until he elaborated. “I’m just nervous. That it’ll confuse her to have two of us. And what if she gets more attached to Ben and I’m left behind?”

“That’ll never happen, Joe.” Ben told him firmly - you’d meant to respond but when you opened your mouth you felt an odd sort of pain in your stomach and you inhaled sharply, but neither of the boys noticed. “It’ll love you. Baby Hardy-Mazzello are going to love you when they meet you. We’ll be a perfect family.”

You pushed yourself into a sitting position, and Ben’s hand fell off your stomach. “Um - I think - the baby. I think it’s coming.”

After nine hours of labor, Marla Hardy-Mazzello was born, screaming and crying violently, but it was the greatest noise you’d ever heard. Joe dropped his head into your shoulder and sobbed and Ben followed the doctors around, cutting the umbilical cord with shaky hands and watching them clean her up. When Dr. Nash placed her in your arms, bundled in a pink blanket, you didn’t think you’d ever felt such bliss. Ben clambered into the bed behind you, sitting on the pillows so you were in between his legs. The doctors left and it was the four of you, your boyfriends and your daughter, your beautiful wonderful daughter.

“I - “ Joe’s voice was shaking, and he brought his arm up to wipe the tear tracks off his face. “I told you she was a girl. I told you. F-father’s instinct, right?”

You didn’t respond, just stroked your thumb down your little angel’s cheek and listened to her soft breaths as she slept. Joe stood and sat on the bed next to you, reaching over to grab Ben’s hand. Ben leaned forward and pulled the blanket slightly off her face, so you could all see her features.

“Your eyes, I think.” Ben said quietly, and when you looked up at him his eyes were on Joe, not you. You smiled slightly.

“I think they look more like yours, actually,” came Joe’s response, and then there was another pause before he said, “Your chin, sweetheart.” And you knew that was directed at you, because her chin did, admittedly, look awfully similar to yours.

“Do you want to hold her?” you posed the question to either man, and though you could practically feel Ben rippling in excitement beside you at the thought of holding his baby girl, Joe reached out first, taking your baby in his arms and cradling her gently. And you looked up at Ben, and he smiled, and you knew it was important for Joe to hold her.

(You’d have so much time, all of you.)

You leaned back against Ben’s chest, feeling his fingers combing through your locks as the pair of you admired Joe and Marla, the way he rocked her, one finger against her face. He looked like he was born to be a father, like this was the ultimate place he was supposed to be. Sitting on a cramped hospital bed with his boyfriend and girlfriend, cradling her gently.

“She’s so pretty,” Joe whispered, and you watched a tear go down his cheek again and Ben reached over to wipe it off. “She looks so much like you. Your nose, your chin.”

You nodded. “Looks like you, too.” Then you glanced up at Ben, who was staring, near entranced, at Joe and Marla. “You, too. Like a mix of the three of us.”

“Our daughter.” Ben said, and his voice was soft yet firm and as Joe glanced up at him, he repeated it. “Our amazing daughter.”

Joe nodded, turning so Ben and you could look at Marla’s face - eyes open slightly, fist clenched. She was beautiful, eyes dark brown, a spattering of soft hair on her head. You were absolutely exhausted, body sore and eyes heavy, after hours and hours of going through labour, but God, it was all worth it. You would do it a million times over for this moment - Ben loosely wrapped his arms around you.

“I’m sorry,” Joe began, but you brought his finger up to his lips.

“Not now. You don’t have anything to be sorry for.” Ben’s fingers in your hair stopped as you continued speaking. “Marla Hardy-Mazzello. Right?”

Joe grinned, leaning down to press a feather-light kiss to Marla’s nose. “Right.”

#ben hardy x reader #joe mazzello x reader #ben hardy fluff #joe mazzello fluff #ben hardy x reader x joe mazzello #ben hardy x joe mazzello x reader #bxrxj #borhap imagines #borhap fluff

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khalifaalsuwaid1 · 7 years ago

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Drag Race Winners Ranked

I should start out by stating two things:

1) This is not a “least favorite to favorite” list. If it were, these would be in a completely different order. I’m ranking the queens based on their runs on the seasons they won in, the queens they were up against, and their overall C.U.N.T.

2) These are my opinions, and mine only. If you disagree, fantastic! People have different opinions, it’s what makes us human.

Edit: Updated with our Season 10 winner, Aquaria!

13) Trixie Mattel

Trixie isn’t a bad or mediocre queen by any means, despite undoubtedly being the most undeserving Drag Race winner as of yet. If it weren’t for All Stars 3′s (one of the most disappointing, soulless Drag Race seasons, but that’s another post entirely) ridiculously flawed jury twist, where previously eliminated queens decide the top two All Stars, and BenDeLaCreme eliminating herself, she wouldn’t have won. Her performance on All Stars 3 was mediocre in the first half of the season, but she turned it out in the second half. There were, however, other queens that did much better than her throughout the season, and were solid all the way through. I think Trixie’s great, but her win felt extremely anticlimactic, and it wasn’t really her fault.

12) Sasha Velour

“Four challenge wins, four challenge wins..

Then the finale comes and the crowned queen is?…”

Sasha is a great queen. She’s intellectual, artsy, unique, annoyingly endearing with her history lessons that pop out of seemingly nowhere, and her run on Season 9 was relatively great, landing in the bottom once and never having to lip sync for her life. She’s winner material through and through. Why is she this low on the list, you might ask? Two words: Shea Couleé.

Let’s be honest, Season 9 was Shea’s season. She won four challenges, a record which she shared with two queens at the time, Sharon Needles and Alaska Thunderfuck (AS2), both of whom won their respective seasons. Even the editors weren’t expecting Sasha to win, since Shea was very clearly getting the winner’s edit. Season 9 felt like Season 8 most of the way through in terms of how obvious the winner was. “There’s no way in hell Shea isn’t winning this” the majority of people thought. Then it happened. In one of the most iconic moments in the show’s history, rose petals came flooding out of Sasha’s wig during her lip sync against Shea, and it all came crashing down.

“It’s not right but it’s okay” was the perfect final lip sync song, indeed.

11) Violet Chachki

This is where things get tough, because from here on out, I genuinely believe every single winner deserved the title of “America’s Next Drag Superstar.”

Oh, Season 7. Such a great cast wasted on a stupid amount of acting challenges. It’s a shame Violet never got the chance to REALLY shine during the non-runway parts of the season, because she’s a fantastic queen. Interestingly, her best moment came from an episode of Season 8, not 7. At the end of Season 8′s crowning episode, she came out wearing what is, in my humble opinion, the best thing to walk down a runway in the entirety of the series, stealing the three finalists of Season 8′s thunder.

She might not have always been at the top during the challenges in her season, and she can come off a bit rude, but when it came to the runway, she never under-delivered. Being up against, in the words of Trixie Mattel, “a partially sedated twink from Brooklyn” might have helped her win the crown, though. Ginger Minj was stiff competition, but in the end, Violet prevailed. Thank God she did, because she gave us one of the most iconic moments of Season 8, one which I’m obviously still not over.

10) Tyra Sanchez

Let’s get this out of the way: No, Raven was not robbed.

Look, Tyra can be mean-spirited, hateful and rude. Tyra on Season 2 was, in all honesty, a bitch. But you know what? She fucking deserved the crown. Her reasoning behind being a bitch was that she was focused on winning the season, and while I’m not sure if that’s true or not, she definitely slayed the game. Tyra delivered in almost every single episode of her season, and has her fair share of iconic moments (”DIS GROOB IS FOR MAH GIRLS” remains one of my favorite Drag Race moments ever!) She unfortunately gets a lot of unwarranted hate from “fans” of the show for “robbing” Raven of her crown and being a bitch.

Being nice is great and all, but Tyra showed us that you don’t have to be Miss Congeniality to be America’s Next Drag Superstar.

Unfortunately, Tyra has lost her way recently. It’s extremely unfortunate, because she’s extremely beautiful and talented.

9) Chad Michaels

I’m going to try my best not to reference The Hunger Games during this section.

If there’s one thing the Drag Race fanbase can universally agree on, it’s that All Stars 1 is objectively the worst season of Drag Race ever, because of its oh-my-god-this-is-so-stupid-who-thought-this-was-a-good-idea teams twist. This is why Chad’s win is usually swept under the rug in the community, but in all honesty, I’m just glad Chad won something.

During Chad’s run on Season 4, he showed us how a professional drag queen acts, dresses and talks. If it weren’t for Sharon Needles, Chad would have probably won the season. There’s really not much else to say other than Chad was a really polished queen that deserved to win something, even it was the worst season of a great show.

8) Bebe Zahara Benet

Dubbed “The Lost Season,” Season 1 of Drag Race is kind of a mess. The best kind, of course. The budget was paper thin, they had that awful vaseline filter throughout the whole thing, and nobody knew what they were doing. Not Ru, not the producers and definitely not the contestants. In a way, Season 2 was actually the first season of Drag Race, whereas Season 1 felt like an elaborate pitch. There was no “Snatch Game,” a challenge that would become a staple in the series, for example.

However, Season 1 has something later seasons lack in a major way: genuineness. The contestants of Season 1 didn’t really come in with catchphrases prepared, or cared how “fans” would harass them on social media. They were a bunch of men in wigs having fun. One of those contestants, Bebe, really stood out. Born in Cameroon, as she likes to remind us (she really, really likes to remind us) she had and still has a sense of presence none of the other contestants on the show have. When she walks on stage, you really feel like a Queen is walking down the runway. To this day, she is the sole queen that gives off those vibes.

She is sadly always forgotten, despite having a stellar run on Season 1 and being the OG winner. Thankfully, All Star 3, where she had another great run, put her back on the radar. May she never be forgotten again. Cameroooon!

7) Aquaria

In all of my years watching Drag Race, I’ve never done a complete 180 on a Ru Girl as hard and fast as I did on Aquaria. Rewatching her “Meet the Queens” video, I still have no idea why she presented herself the way she did. Going into the Season, I saw Aquaria as a bratty look Queen that was extremely full of herself, and to be quite honest, the first few episodes didn’t change my viewpoint.

As the season went on, however, she started to show her true self. Aquaria went from a brat to a sweet, awkwardly endearing dork, and I loved every single microsecond of it.

I’ve failed to mention her runway looks, which were nothing short of excellent. Every time she walked out on the runway, all you saw was polish from head to toe. Her Mermaid, Hats Incredible and Evil Twin looks are absolutely breathtaking. Her performance in the challenges was just as good. If you had told me Aquaria would win Snatch Game at the beginning of the Season, I would have laughed in your face. But she did. Week after week, she defied expectations and was always full of surprises.

She didn’t deserve the crown, the crown was deserved by her. It truly is the dawning of the Age of Aquaria.

6) Bob the Drag Queen

I’m paraphrasing, but Thorgy Thor, a contestant on Season 8 of Drag Race, said something along the lines of knowing she wasn’t going to win when she saw Bob walk into the werkroom for the first time in an interview.

Season 8, perhaps more than any season of Drag Race, had the most predictable winner, and yet, nobody was really mad about it. The reason being is that Bob deserved every single fake jewel on that crown. Season 8 had a fantastic cast, but Bob was so much better than the rest of them, it bordered on being unfair. You could sense that the moment he walked into the werkroom.

Fashion and Makeup is where Bob usually faltered, but more than made up for it by being absolutely hilarious in acting challenges, killing Snatch Game, and all around just being a good sport.

There’s this thing about Bob that other winners lack but I can’t quite put my finger on it. He feels…”Real,” I guess? I don’t really know how to put it into words, but whenever Bob talks, he exudes friendliness, whereas most of the other winners have an “aura” around them. It makes him very, very special.

5) Jinkx Monsoon

Everyone loves a good underdog story!

For the first half of her season, Jinkx mostly flew under the radar, despite constantly doing great in challenges. The other queens started realizing that she was a threat around halfway point of the season, when it was a little too late to be able to do something about it.

Because of this, Rolaskatox, a clique created by Roxxxy Andrews, Alaska Thunderfuck, and Detox Icunt, started going ham on Jinkx, bullying and hating on her every time she did as much as draw a breath. It felt very similar to Season 3′s “Heathers vs. Boogers,” except this time, “Boogers” was made up of one person. Seeing Jinkx take them down one by one felt fantastic and oh, so satisfying.

Jinkx, out of all the winners, is probably the nicest and most innocent one. She’s kind and completely unbothered by any kind of drama whatsoever. She marches to the sound of her own drum, and it’s honestly so refreshing.

4) Raja Gemini

Raja gets major props for winning hands-down, the most difficult season of Drag Race yet. Queens frequently say that Drag Race is the “Olympics of Drag,” and rightfully so (Yara Sofia wouldn’t have broken down during a lip sync if it weren’t. Season 3 in particular was pretty bad.) But other than that, Raja served some of the most creative and iconic looks to ever grace the runway. Her Marie Antoinette and Native American looks, I imagine, are engraved in everyone’s minds because of how beautiful they were. Her drag is extremely different than everyone else, especially than the ones that were on her season.

She also gets props for beating Manila Luzon, who is undoubtedly the most talented runner-up in the show’s herstory.

To this day, Raja still delivers some of the most gag-worthy looks to come out of Ru girls, and managed to stay relevant by being the co-host of “Fashion Photo Ruview,” a show where she and Season 2′s Raven Toot and Boot looks from episodes of Drag Race.

3) Sharon Needles

When Sharon walked down the post-apocalypse runway dressed up as a half zombie, half mummy thing, with blood pouring out of her mouth, she made an impact on the entirety of drag. Up until that point, drag, especially on Drag Race, hadn’t gone there.

This is why Sharon is celebrated, because she showed everyone that drag wasn’t just about looking fishy, pretty or anything of the sort. Drag can be spooky, disgusting and horrifying. I don’t believe Sharon invented this kind of drag, but she certainly brought it to the forefront. I honestly believe that Dragula, another drag competition, would not exist had Sharon not won Season 4.

She was also a part of one of the best Drag Race storylines, if not the best: Sharon vs Phi Phi. No matter how hard the show tries, it just can’t replicate the legendary rivalry between those two girls. Sharon obviously prevailed at the end, but it was a story for the ages.

2) Alaska Thunderfuck 5000

I’m going to say something a bit controversial here: Alaska isn’t really one of my favorite queens. She comes off as a bit of a perfectionist, something I personally despise. Why is she this high on the list, then?

As I stated at the beginning, this isn’t a “least favorite to favorite” list. It’s a list based on queens’ strength, and I struggle to find someone as unapologetically talented as Alaska.

She is, in my opinion, the most well-rounded queen in the show’s herstory. She can act, sing, lipsync, serve looks, read…I could go on. She’s the epitome of “Jack-of-all-trades, master of all.” She absolutely swept the floor during All Stars 2. Yes, it might’ve been rigged for her, but even if it weren’t, she’d still easily sweep the floor and win.

She’s also a Drag Race superfan, and will probably get any sort of reference you throw at her.

1) Bianca Del Rio

Pretendstobeshocked.gif

I mean, was there really any other choice? We’ve reached a point where I personally believe we’re never getting a winner as good as Bianca, and a season as good as Season 6 of Drag Race, and I’m at peace with that.

Bianca is the living embodiment of C.U.N.T. She’s charismatic as all hell, unique and unlike any other queen, can and will read a bitch whenever she gets the chance to, and she’s out-of-this-world talented.

She sailed through her season, never landing in the bottom 3. Just like Bob, everyone knew Bianca was going to win the moment she walked in, but nobody cared because it just felt right.

It felt right.

#rupaul's drag race #rupauls all stars #trixie mattel #sasha velour #violet chachki #tyra sanchez #bebe #chad micheals #bob the drag queen #jinkx monsoon #Raja #sharon needles #alaska thvnderfvck #bianca del rio #Aquaria #Drag Race #Season 10 #Rupaul

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alexeaed-blog · 7 years ago

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about the author?

When did you start to write poetry?

This is a sticky question already. My mother tells stories about a youthful me writing love letters addressed from dirt to flowers. I was consistently writing a different novel throughout middle school. In college, I started work as a journalist, which is what I’m studying, but after working as one for awhile and severely disliking it I had an identity crisis—around this time last year I picked up poetry in the scraps of time I found between things half in fear I’d never really be considered a ‘writer’ once I Ieft that field, half to work out what was going on. That’s when I started taking the form more seriously, but to be honest, I had no idea what I was doing.

Do you write poetic prose, free verse or use set forms?

I dance somewhere between poetic prose and free verse. Set forms don’t really make sense in my head—I think I currently lack the discipline they require.

Name 3 main themes you explore in your poetry:

Perception, truth, relationships

Name 3 things that inspire you:

Christianity, people, love

Name 3 elements of nature most often mentioned in your poetry:

Stars, natural disasters, trees (probably?)

Name 3 words you love:

Together, cognizant, psyche

Name 3 words you hate:

Hypocrite, divorce, ignorant

Do you have a preferred time of day for writing?

(question from @september-stardust)

I wish I did, but unfortunately my poems have a tendency to wait to punch me in the face whenever I should probably be doing something else any given day.

Do you ever run out of words to write?

(question from @lexiklecksi)

There are days I am so very tired I open a notebook and violently scribble instead of write. Days like these, I think, are part of existence.

Does your writing ever make you feel vulnerable, if so why?

(question from @asorcererpoet)

I think a big part of writing is to understand, either self or grand concept or whatever else, and true understanding requires true vulnerability. I think that’s maybe the biggest reason why I’ve always written—it allows a truth roughly untraversed elsewhere, and a way to pursue it.

What is your process for self-editing?

(question from @adamantseal)

I’m figuring this out still to this day, but I’m a pretty raw-writer person, which is probably why plenty of my stuff ends up relatively mediocre. There’s a bit of me that believes the way words come out is occasionally how they should stay. A lot of what I post online is first-draft, which is why I don’t try to promote it too much—I’m sure it could be better than it is. I only revisit things I feel need revisiting, and sometimes even a crappy poem gets out everything I need it to. My editing process, physically, looks like me trying to dig out what I’m trying to convey with a couple hours of aggressive, usually late-night pacing around my apartment. It’s strangely therapeutic, and I’ve got some killer calves.

Do you have a poem that’s eluded you? That, no matter how hard you try, you just can’t write? (from @plasticgardenicons)

Due to sheer inexperience, I think I have a lot of these left in me. I think I’m largely still trying to fight out the voice and story of the child in me, whom was abused and neglected for so long she lost it somewhere in there. I think that is also why a lot of my writing has to do with the perception of self. I am, in many ways, still detached from my own.

Add one question of your own to this list:

Why write?

Do you have any other social media where you showcase your poetry?

Occasionally my personal Twitter will get snippets, and a few months back I performed a poem in front of a camp that got such a good reception that it was turned into a YouTube video that circulated mostly amongst my Facebook community—however, I try to keep it relatively on the DL still that I do this stuff. I have pretty awful imposter’s syndrome. Also, I hate being attached to tech.

Come up with a prompt and tag a Tumblr poet who you want to inspire:

@dhritwritesforherentirety, could you write a self-portrait in words?

Tag 3 Tumblr poets who you want to get to know better:

@uschi-the-listener, @dhritwritesforherentirety, ? whoever’s reading this

#it is finals week

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samdukewieland · 5 years ago

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Stuck Inside Media Diary Week 6

It was during this week that it dawned on me just how many movies I’ve watched since when I started keeping track of it. Then I got to wondering how long I keep this going-it’s kind of a bit, but also not one totally. I guess as soon as I go back to work and no longer spend my days playing PlayStation for hours on end and there’s no longer The Ticket to listen to for the day, that’s when it stops. Got real close to breaking the streak this week, which is probably the most harrowing thing I’ve been through in about 7 weeks (for the record, Week 1 was not documented as there was not much to document).

Sunday, April 26

Mad Men, “The Mountain King”, “Meditations In An Emergency” [Season 2 Finale], “Out Of Town” [Season 3], “Love Among The Ruins”

California Don Draper/Dick Whitman is a real nice sweet spot that Mad Men taps into this season, or at the very least it comes across as much more interesting than the adventures of young Dick Whitman. It’s, obviously, the most honest we see Don/Dick whenever he’s around Anna and makes you realize just how much work he puts himself through to not be honest to anyone or himself. But to see Jon Hamm go between both characters really knocks you back on your ass-Draper is a pretty surface level “showy” character display, at least in the first season, and I’m glad they decided to flesh him out now like this, by giving the audience something that isn’t so wooden or warn out (wooden is usually an insult, but take it to mean like a gorgeously polished oak table or redwood or something else you could stare at for hours). That ending with him and Betty at the kitchen table is an incredible showcase for both of them (I used to be very dismissive of Betty, but I realize now that that was super unfair and dumb of me! so it’s been kind of eye opening re-watching this and realizing that January Jones was/is actually really good)

Season 3 is probably my favorite season of the show, from what my brain can recall and it really hits the ground running. You can feel the energy radiating off of it (when they were writing it they had already won their first Emmys and were already looking highly favored to repeat success in season 2).

Plot Against America, “Part 5″

Beef House, “Army Buddy Brad”, “Prunes”

Three Busy Debras, “A Very Debra Christmas”, “Cartwheel Club”

People really underrate Adult Swim and Cartoon Network, especially when you find yourself with an awkward amount of time before watching something at a scheduled time. Just nice li’l 15 minute (barely) long episodes before The Last Dance, that’s nice. Also I think the last time I talked about Debras I compared it to Stella which I stand by, but I’d also throw in Strangers With Candy and Pee Wee’s Playhouse. So if you like that kind of stuff.

The Last Dance, Parts 3 & 4

Dennis. Rodman. The downside of these episodes is that they go fully into the time jumping aspects that it didn’t do as heavily in the first two installments. I also think they might play better if they ran right after the first two parts, rather than have that week long simmer. That’s like the most critical thing I can say about them, and it really just boils down to “I want more now.” Love that Isiah Thomas has no shame in being in the doc, despite just being taken to the dome by e v e r y o n e featured in it. Probably the best example of “no such thing as bad press”-it should be taught in business school or wherever agents go to school.

Monty Python’s Life Of Brian, Jones 1979 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

This was, somehow, a big blind spot in my Monty Python catalog. I think I very quietly went through a contrarian phase of “Monty Python isn’t that funny” somewhere in college, probably a li’l in high school too. It’s definitely been a thing I’ve been worried about re-visiting (I can’t remember the last time I watched Holy Grail, which I considered a religious text) and wanted to keep at arm’s length. That was very uninteresting and there is nothing at all interesting in me admitting that this movie’s really fucking funny; I was cackling when they bring out the huge stone during the stoning scene. The alien thing, while I respect in a purely “well, we don’t know how to get from this point to this point with it ‘making sense’ so let’s just go all the way to nothing”-stance, I’m just pretty allergic to anything Gilliam (I’m guessing) thinks of as incredibly clever. Life Of Brian: good!

Monday, April 27

Parks And Recreation, “Tom’s Divorce”

This feels like a very underrated episode of Parks, not in the conversation a lot, which feels like an oversight. I also just realized that it’s a Harris episode, so that could be why I am trying to champion it right now. Honest, I didn’t know until two minutes ago.

Mad Men, “My Old Kentucky Home”

Mmmmm. There’s an image from “Old Kentucky Home” of Roger Sterling that is still so shocking and I’m using a great deal of restraint to not post it above (because it’s super-duper racist), but I am still in awe that a buddy of mine from college used/uses(?) it as a cover photo on one of his social media accounts. IF only I could be so bold as he, or Roger Sterling in black-face.

The Virgin Suicides, Coppola 1999 [as of now this is available on Prime]

Grew up in a pretty anti-Sofia household from at least one of my undisclosed older brothers. I was told very early on that she is overrated and not very good at what she does and I just never investigated to see if that was true or not until...well I guess last Monday night. Baby’s first Sofia Coppola movie, babe. Talk about a mood! I liked it, I think? Yer kind of a weirdo-guy if you really latch yerself onto loving The Virgin Suicides, but I guess I didn’t realize how much of the movie has Kirsten Dunst or the other sisters not talking before I saw it. Or that James Woods is a pretty convincing sad/quiet/weird guy (as tempting as it is to say that this is the last good thing James Woods was good in, the correct answer is Recess: Schools Out-maybe John Q ((I haven’t seen it.)) I wonder how many conflicting feelings Josh Hartnett inspired in teenage girls between 1999 and 2001. Great job, Sofia, sorry I’m late to the party and for the pre-conceived notions that were lodged into my stupid brain.

Tuesday, April 28

Mad Men, “The Arrangements”, “The Fog”

Attaboy to “The Arrangements” for giving Carla Gallo work (tsktsk for not finding a way to use her more). “The Fog” is pretty mediocre Sopranos karaoke episode; not great, but not as bad as I remember it being. The Betty being hazy sequences aren’t as long as I recalled them to be, so that was nice. Plus all the Gene stuff....man, I don’t know.

The Manchurian Candidate, Demme 2004 [as of now this is available on HBO]

Jonathan Demme is easily the most underrated director of his time, especially when it comes to shifting genres and putting such an overwhelmingly human touch to everything he works on. This is probably the movie that has the least amount of that, but it takes these wild swings and chances that you can’t help but respect the hell out of what you’re watching. It’s maybe the weirdest Denzel role I think I’ve ever seen, but he’s so good in it, but that’s just kind of the standard in Demme movies. What’s the worst performance you’ve ever seen in one of his movies? Is there one? I’ve never seen the original Manchurian Candidate so I don’t super know where or what this one lacks, but it’s so strange that it has made me want to go back and watch it again to try and understand or just watch the choices that Demme makes in this movie. How about Streep!

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Gives You A Piano Lesson”, “Joe Pera Watches Internet Videos With You”

I know I harp on this a lot, but it’s just so wholesome and I guess I’m just shocked that anything this wholesome could have Connor O’Malley’s prints all over it. I say that as an admirer of both things, but just can’t wrap my head around the two come together.

Wednesday, April 29

Something Wild, Demme 1986 [as of now this is available on HBO]

This movie’s incredible. I knew absolutely nothing about it going in, other than it was Demme and Jeff Daniels (every time I saw the poster, my brain just registered Melanie Griffith as Catherine O’Hara, because that’s who it looks like at a glance). I was floored, I couldn’t believe a movie like this existed and I just hadn’t seen it (though, to be fair, I can’t imagine a person who doesn’t love Jonathan Demme going out of their way to see this in 1986, let alone 2020). And I’ve got some apologizing to do to Melanie Griffith after being pretty underwhelmed by her in Working Girl, I loved her in this. I also can’t help but wonder who has had a worse life (in the face) because of cigarettes, Ray Liotta or Al Pacino? If you want actual good discussion on this movie, I can’t implore the Blank Check episode with Scott Aukerman where they talk about it (there was also nothing more, personally, of a relief than hearing them talk about how it reminded them of a David Lynch movie and After Hours, thoughts I also had while watching, but am by no means enough of a Lynch-head or have seen After Hours enough to confidently throw that out in the open without someone else saying it first).

Thursday, April 30

Mikey And Nicky, May 1976

About once a year Criterion does a 50% sale and lately I’ve tried to take advantage of that (having a disposable income really lends itself to doing this). This was a movie I knew nothing about, other than Peter Falk was in it and ya know what, I really like Peter Falk. I wasn’t expecting an all-night movie, I was barely expecting a crime/mob movie, but it technically is. It’s about so much more: cowardice, male-friendship, our weaknesses and shortcomings as people, Ned Beatty being pissed about driving around New York City and getting lost. I’ve thought about it a lot since watching it and I’m glad that I own it and can re-visit it whenever I want.

Parks And Recreation, “Christmas Scandal” & “Special”

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Has A Surprise For You”, “Joe Pera Helps You Write An Obituary”

When you just look at these titles on paper (or screen, rather) without actually seeing them, it’s a pretty good setup as a joke. However, this is when the season and show takes a very melancholy turn that’s incredibly moving. (I think he might’ve actually lost his grandmother between seasons-very possible I have this wrong, I just know the character was based on her)

Friday, May 1

Mad Men, “Guy Walks Into An Advertising Agency”

Man, this episode.This is an all-timer on every level; not an ounce of fat on this one and maybe one of the funniest things to happen on this wonderful show.

X-Men: Dark Phoenix or, uh, just Dark Phoenix, Kinberg 2019 [as of now this is available on HBO]

Incredible that people in charge of an X-Men movie decided an actual team that should be depicted in this movie was Mystique (team leader, lol), Cyclops, Jean, Nightcrawler, Hank/Beast, Storm and Quicksilver. I mean yeh, this thing is really bad, potentially worse than Apocalypse, because that at least tried to have a personality. Though the train sequence here does have some redeeming qualities to it, so it might have the edge-I couldn’t tell you a single set piece from Apocalypse other than Oscar Isaac’s beautiful mug being caked in blue make-up (lol). Also, I gotta admit, mad respect to Kinberg for the incredible bait and switch with making Jessica Chastain look enough like some kind of mixture between Cassandra Nova and Emma Frost where you’re expecting her to be either of them and not just a shape-shifting alien.

Joe Pera Talks With You, “Joe Pera Shows You How To Do Good Fashion”, “Joe Pera Shows You How To Pack A Lunch”, “Joe Pera Talks With You On The First Day Of School”

I obviously want more episodes of this show, but if there were ever a perfect collection of stories, it was this.

Saturday, May 2

Top Chef, Season 17 episode 7

Tough, tough loss for Eric [insert Tom Colicchio “there’s always Last Chance Kitchen”] who I really admire and absolutely loved last season, I wish he had not gone on All-Stars this year, gained a couple more years, polish his technique and come back on the next All-Star season and sweep the floor. No shame in this loss though, because half of the competition this week was pretty dumb, though this was good build-up for Restaurant Wars, which the producers seem to always have hanging above their head as fan favorite and they feel like they need to throw Poochie in there.

Mad Men, “Seven Twenty Three”, “Souvenir”, “Wee Small Hours”, “The Color Blue”, “The Gypsy And The Hobo”, “The Grown-Ups”, “Shut The Door. Have A Seat”

I don’t know if I necessarily advise watching 7 episodes of Mad Men like I did this past Saturday. However, I think you’re kind of hard-pressed to not want to just keep the tap going on this one. Incredible stretch of episodes for January Jones and a real proper introduction to Henry Francis, probably a character I should hate, but have a lot of affection for. He might be the most sincere character on the show, which makes him pretty endearing. “Shut the Door. Have A Seat” is also one of the best getting the gang together sequences/movies I think I’ve ever seen. This is also a real, real tough stretch for Don, humanity wise, between his handling of poor Salvatore and his dealing with Betty once he finds out about she and Henry. Great season, great stuff.

The Death Of Stalin, Iannucci 2017 [as of now this is available on Netflix]

Despite knowing (possibly) an embarrassingly low amount about Russian history, I dug it. Felt like the joke was probably on me partially, because of how little I know about Russian history, but is that gonna make me not enjoy watching Jeffrey Tambor in Hank Kingsly form bounce off of Steve Buscemi, Simon Russell Beale, Michael Palin and Jason Isaacs (holy shit, Jason Isaacs in this movie)? Nah. Though, be warned because this thing is probably ripe for your cousin who goes out of his way to tell you stuff like “well Doctor Strangelove is satire, that’s why it’s so genius.”

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ncmagroup · 5 years ago

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by Linda A. Hill and Kent Lineback

Am I good enough?”

“Am I ready? This is my big opportunity, but now I’m not sure I’m prepared.”

These thoughts plagued Jason, an experienced manager, as he lay awake one night fretting about a new position he’d taken. For more than five years he had run a small team of developers in Boston. They produced two highly successful lines of engineering textbooks for the education publishing arm of a major media conglomerate. On the strength of his reputation as a great manager of product development, he’d been chosen by the company to take over an online technical-education start-up based in London.

Jason arrived at his new office on a Monday morning, excited and confident, but by the end of his first week, he was beginning to wonder whether he was up to the challenge. In his previous work, he had led people who’d worked together before and required coordination but little supervision. There were problems, of course, but nothing like what he’d discovered in this new venture. Key members of his group barely talked to one another. Other publishers in the company, whose materials and collaboration he desperately needed, angrily viewed his new group as competition. The goals he’d been set seemed impossible—the group was about to miss some early milestones—and a crucial partnership with an outside organization had been badly, perhaps irretrievably, damaged. On top of all that, his boss, who was located in New York, offered little help. “That’s why you’re there” was the typical response whenever Jason described a problem. By Friday he was worried about living up to the expectations implied in that response.

Do Jason’s feelings sound familiar? Such moments of doubt and even fear may and often do come despite years of management experience. Any number of events can trigger them: An initiative you’re running isn’t going as expected. Your people aren’t performing as they should. You hear talk in the group that “the real problem here is lack of leadership.” You think you’re doing fine until you, like Jason, receive a daunting new assignment. You’re given a lukewarm performance review. Or one day you simply realize that you’re no longer growing and advancing—you’re stuck.

Most Managers Stop Working on Themselves

The whole question of how managers grow and advance is one we’ve studied, thought about, and lived with for years. As a professor working with high potentials, MBAs, and executives from around the globe, Linda meets people who want to contribute to their organizations and build fulfilling careers. As an executive, Kent has worked with managers at all levels of both private and public organizations. All our experience brings us to a simple but troubling observation: Most bosses reach a certain level of proficiency and stop there—short of what they could and should be.

We’ve discussed this observation with countless colleagues, who almost without exception have seen what we see: Organizations usually have a few great managers, some capable ones, a horde of mediocre ones, some poor ones, and some awful ones. The great majority of people we work with are well-intentioned, smart, accomplished individuals. Many progress and fulfill their ambitions. But too many derail and fail to live up to their potential. Why? Because they stop working on themselves.

Managers rarely ask themselves, “How good am I?” and “Do I need to be better?” unless they’re shocked into it. When did you last ask those questions? On the spectrum of great to awful bosses, where do you fall?

Managers in new assignments usually start out receptive to change. The more talented and ambitious ones choose stretch assignments, knowing that they’ll have much to learn at first. But as they settle in and lose their fear of imminent failure, they often grow complacent. Every organization has its ways of doing things—policies, standard practices, and unspoken guidelines, such as “promote by seniority” and “avoid conflict.” Once they’re learned, managers often use them to get by—to “manage” in the worst sense of the word.

It doesn’t help that a majority of the organizations we see offer their managers minimal support and rarely press the experienced ones to improve. Few expect more of their leaders than short-term results, which by themselves don’t necessarily indicate real management skill.

In our experience, however, the real culprit is neither managerial complacency nor organizational failure: It is a lack of understanding. When bosses are questioned, it’s clear that many of them have stopped making progress because they simply don’t know how to.

Do you understand what’s required to become truly effective?

Too often managers underestimate how much time and effort it takes to keep growing and developing. Becoming a great boss is a lengthy, difficult process of learning and change, driven mostly by personal experience. Indeed, so much time and effort are required that you can think of the process as a journey—a journey of years.

What makes the journey especially arduous is that the lessons involved cannot be taught. Leadership is using yourself as an instrument to get things done in the organization, so it is about self-development. There are no secrets and a few shortcuts. You and every other manager must learn the lessons yourself, based on your own experience as a boss. If you don’t understand the nature of the journey, you’re more likely to pause or lose hope and tell yourself, “I can’t do this” or “I’m good enough already.”

Do you understand what you’re trying to attain?

We all know how disorganized, fragmented, and even chaotic every manager’s workdays are. Given this reality, which is intensifying as work and organizations become more complex and fluid, how can you as a boss do anything more than cope with what comes at you day by day?

To deal with the chaos, you need a clear underlying sense of what’s important and where you and your group want to be in the future. You need a mental model that you can lay over the chaos and into which you can fit all the messy pieces as they come at you. This way of thinking begins with a straightforward definition: Management is the responsibility for the performance of a group of people.

It’s a simple idea, yet putting it into practice is difficult because management is defined by responsibility but done by exerting influence. To influence others you must make a difference not only in what they do but also in the thoughts and feelings that drive their actions. How do you actually do this?

To answer that question, you need an overarching, integrated way of thinking about your work as a manager. We offer an approach based on studies of management practice, our own observations, and our knowledge of where managers tend to go wrong. We call it the three imperatives: Manage yourself. Manage your network. Manage your team.

Is this the only way to describe management? No, of course not. But it’s clear, straightforward, and, above all, focused on what managers must actually do. People typically think of “management” as just the third imperative, but today all three are critical to success. Together they encompass the crucial activities that effective managers must perform to influence others. Mastering them is the purpose of your journey.

Manage Yourself

Management begins with you, because who you are as a person, what you think and feel, the beliefs and values that drive your actions, and especially how you connect with others all matter to the people you must influence. Every day those people examine every interaction with you, your every word and deed, to uncover your intentions. They ask themselves, “Can I trust this person?” How hard they work, their level of personal commitment, their willingness to accept your influence, will depend in large part on the qualities they see in you. And their perceptions will determine the answer to this fundamental question every manager must ask: Am I someone who can influence others productively?

Who you are, shows up most clearly in the relationships you form with others, especially those for whom you’re responsible. It’s easy to get those crucial relationships wrong. Effective managers possess the self-awareness and self-management required to get them right.

José, a department head, told us of two managers who worked for him in the marketing department of a large maker of durable goods. Both managers were struggling to deliver the results expected of their groups. Both, it turned out, were creating dysfunctional relationships. One was frankly ambivalent about being “the boss” and hated it when people referred to him that way. He wanted to be liked, so he tried to build close personal relationships. He would say, in effect, “Do what I ask because we’re friends.” That worked for a while until, for good reasons, he had to turn down one “friend” for promotion and deny another one a bonus. Naturally, those people felt betrayed, and their dissatisfaction began to poison the feelings of everyone else in the group.

The other manager took the opposite approach. With her, it was all business. No small talk or reaching out to people as people. For her, results mattered, and she’d been made the boss because she was the one who knew what needed to be done; it was the job of her people to execute. Not surprisingly, her message was always “Do what I say because I’m the boss.” She was effective—until people began leaving.

If productive influence doesn’t arise from being liked (“I’m your friend!”) or from fear (“I’m the boss!”), where does it come from? From people’s trust in you as a manager. That trust has two components: belief in your competence (you know what to do and how to do it) and belief in your character (your motives are good and you want your people to do well).

Trust is the foundation of all forms of influence other than coercion. You need to foster it.

Trust is the foundation of all forms of influence other than coercion, and you need to conduct yourself with others in ways that foster it. Management really does begin with who you are as a person.

Manage Your Network

We once talked to Kim, the head of a software company division, just as he was leaving a meeting of a task force consisting of his peers. He had proposed a new way of handling interdivisional sales, which he believed would increase revenue by encouraging each division to cross-sell other divisions’ products. At the meeting, he’d made an extremely well-researched, carefully reasoned, and even compelling case for his proposal—which the group rejected with very little discussion. “How many of these people did you talk to about your proposal before the meeting?” we asked. None, it turned out. “But I anticipated all their questions and objections,” he protested, adding with some bitterness, “It’s just politics. If they can’t see what’s good for the company and them, I can’t help them.”

Many managers resist the need to operate effectively in their organizations’ political environments. They consider politics dysfunctional—a sign the organization is broken—and don’t realize that it unavoidably arises from three features inherent in all organizations: division of labor, which creates disparate groups with disparate and even conflicting goals and priorities; interdependence, which means that none of those groups can do their work without the others; and scarce resources, for which groups necessarily compete. Obviously, some organizations handle politics better than others, but conflict and competition among groups are inevitable. How do they get resolved? Through organizational influence. Groups whose managers have influence tend to get what they need; other groups don’t.

Unfortunately, many managers deal with conflict by trying to avoid it. “I hate company politics!” they say. “Just let me do my job.” But effective managers know they cannot turn away. Instead, with integrity and for good ends, they proactively engage the organization to create the conditions for their success. They build and nurture a broad network of ongoing relationships with those they need and those who need them; that is how they influence people over whom they have no formal authority. They also take responsibility for making their boss, a key member of their network, a source of influence on their behalf.

Manage Your Team

As a manager, Wei worked closely with each of her people, who were spread across the U.S. and the Far East. But she rarely called a virtual group meeting, and only once had her group met face-to-face. “In my experience,” she told us, “meetings online or in-person are usually a waste of time. Some people do all the yakking, others stay silent, and not much gets done. It’s a lot more efficient for me to work with each person and arrange for them to coordinate when that’s necessary.” It turned out, though, that she was spending all her time “coordinating,” which included a great deal of conflict mediation. People under her seemed to be constantly at odds, vying for the scarce resources they needed to achieve their disparate goals and complaining about what others were or were not doing.

Too many managers overlook the possibilities of creating a real team and managing their people as a whole. They don’t realize that managing one-on-one is just not the same as managing a group and that they can influence individual behavior much more effectively through the group because most of us are social creatures who want to fit in and be accepted as part of the team. How do you make the people who work for you, whether on a project or permanently, into a real team—a group of people who are mutually committed to a common purpose and the goals related to that purpose?

To do collective work that requires varied skills, experience, and knowledge, teams are more creative and productive than groups of individuals who merely cooperate. In a real team, members hold themselves and one another jointly accountable. They share a genuine conviction that they will succeed or fail together. A clear and compelling purpose and concrete goals and plans based on that purpose are critical. Without them, no group will coalesce into a real team.

Team culture is equally important. Members need to know what’s required of them collectively and individually; what the team’s values, norms, and standards are; how members are expected to work together (what kind of conflict is acceptable or unacceptable, for example); and how they should communicate. It’s your job to make sure they have all this crucial knowledge.

Effective managers also know that even in a cohesive team they cannot ignore individual members. Every person wants to be a valued member of a group and needs individual recognition. You must be able to provide the attention members need, but always in the context of the team.

Effective managers know that even in a cohesive team they cannot ignore individual members.

And finally, effective managers know how to lead a team through the work it does day after day—including the unplanned problems and opportunities that frequently arise—to make progress toward achieving their own and the team’s goals.

Be Clear on How You’re Doing

The three imperatives will help you influence both those who work for you and those who don’t. Most important, they provide a clear and actionable road map for your journey. You must master them to become a fully effective manager.

These imperatives are not simply distinct managerial competencies. They are tightly integrated activities, each of which depends on the others. Getting your person-to-person relationships right is critical to building a well-functioning team and giving its individual members the attention they need. A compelling team purpose, bolstered by clear goals and plans, is the foundation for a strong network, and a network is indispensable for reaching your team’s goals.

Knowing where you’re going is only the first half of what’s required. You also need to know at all times where you are on your journey and what you must do to make progress. We’re all aware that the higher you rise in an organization, the less feedback you get about your performance. You have to be prepared to regularly assess yourself.

Too many managers seem to assume that development happens automatically. They have only a vague sense of the goal and of where they stand in relation to it. They tell themselves, “I’m doing all right” or “As I take on more challenges, I’ll get better.” Consequently, those managers fall short. There’s no substitute for routinely taking a look at yourself and how you’re doing. (The exhibit “Measuring Yourself on the Three Imperatives” will help you do this.)

Measuring Yourself on the Three Imperatives

Don’t be discouraged if you find several areas in which you could do better. No manager will meet all the standards implicit in the three imperatives. The goal is not perfection. It’s developing the strengths you need for success and compensating for any fatal shortcomings. Look at your strengths and weaknesses in the context of your organization. What knowledge and skills does it—or will it—need to reach its goals? How can your strengths help it move forward? Given its needs and priorities, what weaknesses must you address right away? The answers become your personal learning goals.

What You Can Do Right Now

Progress will come only from your work experience: from trying and learning, observing and interacting with others, experimenting, and sometimes pushing yourself beyond the bounds of comfort—and then assessing yourself on the three imperatives again and again. Above all, take responsibility for your own development; ultimately, all development is self-development.

You won’t make progress unless you consciously act. Before you started a business, you would draw up a business plan broken into manageable steps with milestones; do the same as you think about your journey. Set personal goals. Solicit feedback from others. Take advantage of company training programs. Create a network of trusted advisers, including role models and mentors. Use your strengths to seek out developmental experiences. We know you’ve heard all this advice before, and it is good advice. But what we find most effective in building the learning into your daily work.

For this purpose, we offer a simple approach we call prep, do, review.

Prep.

Begin each morning with a quick preview of the coming day’s events. For each one, ask yourself how you can use it to develop as a manager and in particular how you can work on your specific learning goals. Consider delegating a task you would normally take on yourself and think about how you might do that—to whom, what questions you should ask, what boundaries or limits you should set, what preliminary coaching you might provide. Apply the same thinking during the day when a problem comes up unexpectedly. Before taking any action, step back and consider how it might help you become better. Stretch yourself. If you don’t move outside familiar patterns and practice new approaches, you’re unlikely to learn.

Do.

Take whatever action is required in your daily work, and as you do, use the new and different approaches you planned. Don’t lose your resolve. For example, if you tend to cut off conflict in a meeting, even constructive conflict, force yourself to hold back so that disagreement can be expressed and worked through. Step in only if the discussion becomes personal or points of view are being stifled. The ideas that emerge may lead you to a better outcome.

Review.

After the action, examine what you did and how it turned out. This is where learning actually occurs. Reflection is critical, and it works best if you make it a regular practice. For example, set aside time toward the end of each day—perhaps on your commute home. Which actions worked well? What might you have done differently? Replay conversations. Compare what you did with what you might have done if you were the manager you aspire to be. Where did you disappoint yourself, and how did that happen? Did you practice any new behaviors or otherwise make progress on your journey?

Some managers keep notes about how they spent their time, along with thoughts about what they learned. One CEO working on a corporate globalization strategy told us he’d started recording every Friday his reflections about the past week. Within six weeks, he said, he’d developed the greater discipline to say no to anything “not on the critical path,” which gave him time to spend with key regulators and to jump-start the strategy.

If you still need to make progress on your journey, that should spur you to action, not discourage you. You can become what you want and need to be. But you must take personal responsibility for mastering the three imperatives and assessing where you are now.

Go to our website: www.ncmalliance.com

Are You a Good Boss—or a Great One? by Linda A. Hill and Kent Lineback Am I good enough?” “Am I ready? This is my big opportunity, but now I’m not sure I’m prepared.”

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benfchristie2 · 7 years ago

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Marketers: This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

The next evolution of marketing is upon us.

The sharp uptake in consumer use of messaging apps, the shift in content consumption from text to video and audio, and the finally consumer-ready advancements in artificial intelligence, augmented reality, and voice recognition all signal that marketers and consumers alike are in radically new times. Everytime consumer behavior evolves, marketers have new opportunities that were never before available.

I was talking to a colleague the other day about these changes, and she noted how endlessly marketing channels shift. "There aren't many other fields where the game reinvents itself so often," she said.

"That's because we fuck everything up," I told her.

Let me explain.

Scorched Earth Marketing AKA "Why We Can't Have Nice Things"

There is a desperation at play in most marketing organizations. A low grade panic to solve for short-term needs -- the lead goal that month, for example, or a choice media placement. Attention is as fleeting as Snapchat videos, and for many companies, grabbing a moment of it can feel like gasping for oxygen. I get it. I have been there myself, so I'm not passing judgement.

The enemy of remarkable marketing is impatience.

There is so much competition for attention these days that the moment a blue ocean channel or new marketing strategy opens up, marketers flock to make the most of it. At the root of the problem is the channel-based mentality that causes us to obsess over hacks and mechanics more than a great message and engaging experience.

Early adoption is a good thing. It can be the breath of fresh air marketers and consumers alike are looking for. And typically the early days leveraging a new channel or format in your marketing strategy are as pure and innovative as they should be.

But then something happens. We cross the line into a sort of scorched earth marketing mentality where we forget the reason consumers were drawn to that channel to begin with -- and we beat the living daylights out of it. We start to solve for our own goals, instead of our customers'.

New channels emerge in part because we marketers ruin old ones.

Our earnest exploration of emerging channels all too often turns into rabid gaming of the system if we aren't careful. And consumers, exhausted by our antics, are forced to move on to find new communication and content channels free of spam and brands. It happened with email. It's happening with content. And if we think messaging and video are any different, we're kidding ourselves.

How We're Messing Up Content

Remember when content first emerged as the antidote to disruptive advertising and direct marketing? It was eye-opening.

Before content, if you were a marketer you were primarily using email and advertising to gain prospective customers. Those were the channels and, oh, did marketers use them. They so overplayed them that consumers began to adopt technology to filter them out. They blocked ads. They set up inbox filters. They reduced the noise and took control of their own purchase process. Much of that process began not with the company but on Google, where a buyer would do all the independent research they needed before making a decision.

So instead of pummeling buyers with ads or email, smart marketers started to create useful content designed help the consumer rather than sell them. If good and relevant, this content would find its way to the top of the search results page and, without costing the company anything in ad spend, deliver a compounding stream of incoming traffic.

The world of ebooks and webinars took shape in earnest. Let's offer something of true value that consumers would otherwise pay for in exchange for nothing but their contact details and permission to reach out.

It sounds silly today because of how commonplace ebooks and lead forms have become, but it was genuine and mutually beneficial at the start. It was a new way of interacting with online consumers when quality, trustworthy information was scarce.

But then we (marketers) scorched the earth.

The volume of content went up, the quality often went down. Content farms popped up. And brands started to fund the spread of bad content through paid channels. As content offers increased, they became less valuable, and then they crossed the line into utter noise.

Good content still exists, but you have to sift through an awful lot of cheap content to get to it. So where did we go wrong?

We over-solved for the long tail.

The long-tail of search was what initially made content so exciting. You may not have had enough authority to win a top spot in the search results for highly competitive keywords, but there were any number of keyword variations you could shoot for.

It was field-leveling.I get it. I pitched it. But the problem with solving for keyword variations is there are thousands of them out there, which means you have to make thousands of attempts to capture that traffic. All of that has lead to high volumes of mediocre content.

We're guilty of this too. In the past, we created hundreds of individual blog posts mapped to long-tail keyword variations that got repetitive. We didn't realize how much it would all add up and clutter the internet. Since then, we've implemented a strategy to update old posts with higher quality and updated information instead of launching into a new post and to redirect repetitive or irrelevant content.

On our Sales Blog, we're focusing on topics over keywords, mapping each new post to a larger topic or pillar page. This creates a more organized site architecture that's easier for Google to crawl and index and signals our authority on a subject, rather than a bunch of long-tail keyword variations.

While marketers were busy filling the web with content, Google also got smarter about how it handled search queries. Updates to the algorithm enabled Google to start serving up content that better matched searchers' intent -- not just their keywords. With this in mind, exact keyword optimized content only addresses a sliver of the question and isn't going to help you get found in the same way it once would have back in 2012.

SEO has changed. It doesn't reward content for the sake of keywords anymore. SEO in today's world comes down to architecture and quality content more than it does keywords. And this is a very good thing for readers. It means that instead of writing mountains of content, our new goals should be about creating more value out of less content.

How We Risk Messing Up Messaging

Facebook Messenger will be the next great marketing channel, and it is arguably the best way to engage with the Facebook community as a marketer. My first reaction when I started to see messaging rise as a communication channel was, "Thank god you can't buy Messenger accounts like you can buy email lists."

This is an important point: You can't buy and sell lists of Messenger addresses. You can't be spammy or impatient in the same way that is possible via email.

That said, marketers are inventive. We can still mess up messaging.

We have to resist the urge to treat messaging like email. This is not a mass communication channel. It's not a high-volume communication channel. Messaging should be reserved for short, on-demand, personalized exchanges. They should be triggered, whenever possible by the customer, not the company.

Email is company driven. Messaging is customer driven.

Even with behavior-triggered marketing automation, email is still pretty much a guessing game of what the recipient will find interesting. Messaging apps and the bots that live within them allow the recipient to pull the content they want from your repository. It can be completely custom. You can and should have endlessly differing content subscriptions with endlessly differing cadences based uniquely on the person at the other end. That is the promise of messaging: A frictionless exchange that gives the user exactly what they're seeking and nothing more.

As marketers we need to respect Facebook's ecosystem and the experience of the conversational UI that is a messaging interface. Let's have bots help us deliver rich, personal, and helpful experiences. Let's use Facebook Instant Articles to load web experiences within Facebook instantly. Let's give our prospects and customer exactly what they need and nothing more.

Ok, so lets say we all agree with that in concept, here's where our resolve will be tested. Messaging conversion rates are incredibly high right now. Like ... gold rush high. In early experiments we've run at HubSpot, we've seen 4X the conversion rate on Facebook messenger versus email.

HubSpot's Messenger bot allows prospects to book a meeting with a sales rep.

There's a reason those conversions are so high right now. It's because marketers haven't yet eroded the trust of consumers on messaging. For the sake of everyone, let's keep it that way.

If appeals for a better customer experience aren't enough, consider this. At this time there is one company that largely controls messaging. Facebook has the keys to the castle on more than 1.2 billion users. Its primary incentive is aligned with the happiness of those users. So if Messenger gets abused, Facebook could turn around and remove this option for marketers. And they'd be right to do so.

Mary Meeker's 2016 Internet Trends Report outlines the potential of messaging for businesses.

How We Risk Messing Up Video

Remember when infographics first became popular? There were infographics on everything. Infographics on account based marketing. Infographics on geo-political conflicts. Infographics on world octopus day and shades of poop. Some were interactive and meticulously researched. Others were little more than powerpoint slides and poorly sourced. The internet was absolutely littered with them.

Source: Google Image Search

Infographics became so prevalent over the past 10 years it prompted Megan McCardle, former senior editor of The Atlantic, to call the whole practice a plague, writing:

The reservoir of this disease of erroneous infographics is internet marketers who don't care whether the information in their graphics is right ... just so long as you link it.

We can be better than this. And we have a chance to be. Today, we are on the verge of the same reckless abandon happening with video.

Video, once a resource-intensive format has become vastly simpler to create. Marketers can stream video at the touch of a button, and pre-produced videos can now benefit from everything from free b-roll sources to voice over marketplaces. This democratization of video production has come just in time for a mobile- and social-led surge in video consumption. The combination of the two creates the perfect conditions for marketers to run amok.

I can't believe I have to say this, but, let's make video responsibly.

A responsible video strategy starts with being specific about why you're making a video in the first place. How does this video fit into your marketing strategy?

Is it designed for top-of-the-funnel awareness? Build it to be native to Facebook, YouTube, or Instagram (Pick one -- don't one-size-fits-all it). Solve for time spent watching. Don't try to drive conversions -- drive interactions.

Is it designed to inform buyers on their way to a decision? Incorporate it into your sales process. Wistia, Viewedit, and Loom all offer quick video recording solutions to create custom explainer videos for your buyers. Use it as a way to save your prospects time with the basics before hopping on a call. Record a recap video after a demo. Solve for personalization over anything else. These videos should feel like a direct portal into the customer's sales rep or account manager.

Don't know? Don't make a video.

Want it to solve for all of the above? Really don't make a video.

HubSpot's Marlon De Assis-Fernandez puts his cartoonist skills to work in a prospect video.

Just because a format has gotten easier doesn't mean we should run it into the ground. Videos should be an integral part of our strategy rather than an add-on or afterthought.

In the past, we've made videos just because someone said, "We need a video!" It felt flashy and impressive to have a video for a campaign launch. But because we didn't consider if video was really the right format for a particular story or how someone would actually discover the video, we saw disappointing results and ultimately, decided it was a waste of time.

The problem isn't that video isn't effective or valuable. We just didn't ask the right questions before pressing the record button.

Let's Save Ourselves From Ourselves

Every time people flee from overcrowded channels into new untouched ones, companies crop up to build on them. But evolving with customers is less about predicting the next big marketing channel and more about seeing through it to the customers on the other side.

It's time we stop obsessing over channels, and start focusing on the people within them. Because if history has demonstrated anything, it's that what's new now may be scorched earth tomorrow. So yes, dive in. Explore every new channel that comes our way. But more importantly, look at the bigger picture of what the adoption of a channel says about how people want to interact with each other and brands.

Let's make our mark on marketing by doing it the right way.

0 notes

jasonmkemp4 · 7 years ago

Text

Marketers: This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

The next evolution of marketing is upon us.

"That's because we fuck everything up," I told her.

Let me explain.

Scorched Earth Marketing AKA "Why We Can't Have Nice Things"

The enemy of remarkable marketing is impatience.

New channels emerge in part because we marketers ruin old ones.

How We're Messing Up Content

Remember when content first emerged as the antidote to disruptive advertising and direct marketing? It was eye-opening.

But then we (marketers) scorched the earth.

Good content still exists, but you have to sift through an awful lot of cheap content to get to it. So where did we go wrong?

We over-solved for the long tail.

How We Risk Messing Up Messaging

This is an important point: You can't buy and sell lists of Messenger addresses. You can't be spammy or impatient in the same way that is possible via email.

That said, marketers are inventive. We can still mess up messaging.

Email is company driven. Messaging is customer driven.

HubSpot's Messenger bot allows prospects to book a meeting with a sales rep.

There's a reason those conversions are so high right now. It's because marketers haven't yet eroded the trust of consumers on messaging. For the sake of everyone, let's keep it that way.

Mary Meeker's 2016 Internet Trends Report outlines the potential of messaging for businesses.

How We Risk Messing Up Video

Source: Google Image Search

Infographics became so prevalent over the past 10 years it prompted Megan McCardle, former senior editor of The Atlantic, to call the whole practice a plague, writing:

The reservoir of this disease of erroneous infographics is internet marketers who don't care whether the information in their graphics is right ... just so long as you link it.

We can be better than this. And we have a chance to be. Today, we are on the verge of the same reckless abandon happening with video.

I can't believe I have to say this, but, let's make video responsibly.

A responsible video strategy starts with being specific about why you're making a video in the first place. How does this video fit into your marketing strategy?

Don't know? Don't make a video.

Want it to solve for all of the above? Really don't make a video.

HubSpot's Marlon De Assis-Fernandez puts his cartoonist skills to work in a prospect video.

Just because a format has gotten easier doesn't mean we should run it into the ground. Videos should be an integral part of our strategy rather than an add-on or afterthought.

The problem isn't that video isn't effective or valuable. We just didn't ask the right questions before pressing the record button.

Let's Save Ourselves From Ourselves

Let's make our mark on marketing by doing it the right way.

0 notes