#I do think that baby Rafal was always more bossy and bratty compared to Nil. because he needed to fight his own corner

[elysianstars]

@weisscreamcake So I have additional thoughts on whether their memories (and crucially, Rafal's portrayal) of Nil are even accurate, and now I've been activated to elaborate!

The general assumption is that while Rafal is pretending to be Nil, he's doing a pretty good job. But...what if he's actually not? What if his impression of Nil was seriously off, and that's why not only Nel, but even Sombron could figure out he was an impostor?

They knew each other as children for what, a few months at the most? It's unclear how long Nil was away from Nel, and keeping company with Rafal instead, because the only time it's talked about is at the end of the Fell Xenologue, which was focused on emotional drama rather than laying out a neatly ordered history. I imagine that the more time passed after Nil's death, the more Rafal's act could have strayed from accuracy, until it became almost a caricature. Somebody Nel would want to protect. Somebody people would trust. Somebody better than me.

Rafal claims that he and Nil had a lot in common, but when he's in that persona, he acts completely different from his real self. So where's the common ground? Did it get lost somewhere?

There’s a single brief glimpse of what Rafal might have once been like, in the flashback where he learns to awaken Emblems. He’s smiling in a way that looks unguarded and enthusiastic, completely free of menace. He’s talking excitedly to himself, about how he wants to show Nel what he can do, right away. It’s similar to how you’d think Nil would behave, but although he’s taken on the ‘Nil’ act at this point, he’s not actually performing it to anyone. He thinks he’s alone, and doesn’t realise Sombron is watching from the shadows.

Then Sombron speaks up, and Rafal’s manner changes. And then Sombron curses the dragonstone. It’s the last moment anyone sees Rafal as what might have been his authentic self, for a thousand years. When he next fights his way to the surface, it’s to demand that he be killed and put out of his misery, because he can’t bear what he’s become.

Maybe he and Nil were originally alike, both honest and kind-hearted, but Rafal ended up scarred and poisoned beyond recognition. OR maybe he and Nil were alike because they both got frustrated easily, both had a mean sense of humour, both ran away from conversations that bothered them, both lied about stupid things. But Rafal's memories smoothed over that, and because they were bad traits, they became his traits exclusively, not Nil's. His version of Nil became friendly and encouraging, less mischievous and more of a peacekeeper. Because that's what a good person is supposed to behave like, and Nil was good and sweet and loved (whereas Rafal, by his own judgement, is bad and awful and unlovable).

Imagine Nel, watching these adjustments happen to ‘Nil’ over the years, hoping that her strange new brother was finally feeling comfortable enough to show pieces of his true self around her. When in fact the opposite was happening.

Imagine spending a thousand years convinced that the only way to be accepted, even superficially, was to be as unlike yourself as you possibly could.