#I didn't think we'd run into this and I am very sad

[makesitprecious]

@moireia Alyssa Snow lifts an entire plot like from A Vow Without Honour by @damn-daemon Alyssa asks Robert Baratheon to spare Lady and he agrees because she looks like Lyanna, he has too much of an interest in Alyssa because she looks like Lyanna, she goes to Kings Landing where her resemblance to Lyanna is remarked on and causes tension. This all occurred in AVWH which was written years ago. @moireia should at least credit this author because she is copying the exact same plotline with the exact same face claim. I do not know about any other fiction Alyssa resembles but sis!fic is pretty common and Adelaide Kane is used widely. It's just really frustrating to see Ash's work being regurgitated here.

Thank you for bringing this to light for me. I know that there are only so many stories to be told, but this seems to go the extra mile. You certainly know your facts! I am going to look into this personally. Thank you for taking the time to type all this out and let me know! It can be frustrating and I hope that both parties are consulted and reach an understanding together on credit.

Update:

AVWH began on tmblr as far back as 2020, but has been published online since 2014. Myra Stark (Adelaine K.) as the main OC and noted as Jon's twin in the first chapter. She was assigned a direwolf in images around July 1, 2020. With 63 chapters it is a lengthy piece of work that would take some deep diving to duplicate. The romance follows Myra x Jaime in an enemies to lovers plot.

[im-sleepdeprived]

Crazier • Pt. 1

pairing: mcu!peter parker x reader

a/n: this is a series ! prob 3 parts im thinking (i think im back AH), editing took me 10000 years actually so if there's something wrong PLEASE don't tell me !!! :D

warnings: umm just me not knowing anything about star wars, girls support girls<3, mentions of breakup, honestly theres nothing wrong but i think i said 'shit' like twice if you give a shit lmfao

"There's no way you actually think 'Return Of The Jedi' is better than 'The Empire Strikes Back'. Like, come on dude, it's so obvious which is better," Ned exclaimed, obviously feeling very strongly about the little debate he had currently going on with Peter. 

However, Peter couldn't have been more nonchalant. "Listen, man, I love debating with you but I know where I stand and this is where I draw the line," he shrugged.

Ned opened his mouth, no doubt to argue some more with his best friend, when his gaze shifted to you, "Hey man, maybe we should talk about something Y/N can enjoy too."

That made your head snap up from where you were just toying with the food on your tray. "Don't worry about me guys," you forced a smile, "Honestly, I love watching Ned beat you into a pulp about movies," you looked at Peter. 

Peter put on his 'sad-puppy-dog-face', "Ouch babe. You're supposed to side with me here, I'm your boyfriend after all." 

"Well, I would've sided with you if you hadn't bailed on me when we were supposed to watch the movies together the other night. If you'd been there then I would've been able to contribute to this conversation and agree with who I genuinely thought was right, which at this moment, I believe, is Ned." 

Ned grinned at you from across the table and you two high-fived while Peter just pouted some more, "I'm sorry sweetheart, I really am but y'know I had the internship."

You rolled your eyes, "Of course, I know that. At this point the surprising thing is whenever you don't have that internship," you looked at Ned, "Dude, do you know how many dates and hangouts he's canceled on me? I feel like I should be able to sue at this point. Can you sue someone for wasting your time?"

Ned winced, "Pete, I love you man, but you need to start actually acting like her boyfriend otherwise you won't be her boyfriend for much longer."

Peter's eyes widened a bit but then his face quickly turned nonchalant, "It was just a few slip-ups, don't worry about it," he threw an arm around you and pulled you in, kissing the top of your head, "but you're right, we should talk about something we'd all enjoy."

Laughing, you said, "I told you guys, I enjoy hearing you debate because Ned is always-"

Peter threw a hand up, "Don't finish that sentence. I've had enough of you two fraternizing against me for the day."

You and Ned laughed some more, "Well honestly, you two can continue your...," you waved your hands, " 'old-couple-bickering' and I can scooch down a little and go hang out with M.J.."

Peter pulled you in closer at that, "No don't leave," he muttered in your hair. 

"Yeah," Ned started, "let's talk about something else like," he trailed off, "OH, you're managing the school play next week, right? That's gotta be interesting, tell us about that."

"It's really nothing 'Manager' is really just a fun name they stuck on me. Mrs. Lightbody does most of the work."

"Oh come on," Peter said, "when you first got the part, it was all you wanted to talk about. What happened?"

you happened, you thought. It's true, you had been too excited that you'd been chosen to be in charge of everything and you couldn't wait to rant to your boyfriend about just that. That was until he basically ignored you and shook it off as nothing, running away for the stark internship. You hadn't really wanted to talk about it with anybody after that. Maybe it wasn't as cool as you'd thought it was. 

You looked down and just shrugged, "Dunno, guess I just didn't think you guys would be interested in it. You've never really shown interest in theater before."

"Well, that was before my gorgeous girlfriend was in charge. Now, go on, tell us what it's like to get a bunch of theater kids on track."

You laughed, "God it's torture. I'm convinced it's some personalized hell made for someone's eternal punishment and I do not envy them."

Peter and Ned laughed along with you, Peter saying, "Yeah I bet. We all know how much you love your control."

You gasped, eyebrows furrowing, "Peter Parker are you saying I'm a control freak?"

He held up both of his hands in surrender, "No of course not babe," he traded a glance with Ned when you weren't looking. 

"Anyway," he propped an elbow on the table, rested his head on his palm, and made a motion with his other hand, "continue."

You looked at Ned, "Are you sure I'm not boring you," you asked, shoving your hand in Peter's face when he went to argue.

"Of course not Y/N! Wild, out-of-control theater kids is a favorite subject of mine," he grinned and you huffed a laugh. 

"Fine, it's not as easy as I thought'd it be I'll say that. There's always someone way out of line, either singing songs from musicals at the top of their lungs or fighting someone else with the props. One time a kid started climbing the curtain bags and it was disastrous."

You told them all the funny stories you had from the past rehearsals and how you couldn't wait for the upcoming ones. 

"Hey these sound fun how come I haven't been to one yet," Peter asked, referring to the rehearsals. 

You scoffed, "Please Parker, you can barely make it to a date. There's no way you're gonna make it to one of these."

Peter felt a wave of guilt rush over him. He'd been leaving you hanging a lot lately. 

"I'm sorry Y/N/N, really I am. But I want to come to one of these. I want to see you doing your thing. In fact, when's the next one I'll be there," he sounded so sure of himself but you weren't. 

"Um," you hesitated, not really sure if you should answer him, "They're every other day after school until opening night. But Peter, honestly, you don't have to come I know how busy your schedule is and you barely fit in things that you need to do, I seriously doubt you have the time to voluntarily do this," you told him, refusing to get your hopes up. 

"Hey," he leaned closer to you, "I know I haven't been the best boyfriend lately but I promise I'm going to be there for you today."

"Peter," you said quietly not being able to meet his eyes and that alone made his heartbreak, "Don't make promises you can't keep. That never ends well."

"Hey if I said I'll be there, then I'll be there. come on, gotta have a little more faith in me than that sweetheart," he smiled a little, letting it grow into a grin when he saw your lips tugging up at the corners of your mouth. 

"Promise," you asked. 

"Promise," he confirmed, leaning in for a sweet kiss. Maybe he could really be there for you this time instead of-

Something hit the side of your face making you both turn your heads towards your other friend. You looked down to find a bunch of rolled-up napkins lying on the floor. 

"Well as glad as I am that y'all got that settled, let us remember that this is a public space," Ned said making you both laugh. 

"So it's settled, meet you in the auditorium after last period right," Peter asked you, trying to make sure he had the times correct. 

"Oh," you replied, a little shocked that he was actually doing this, "Yeah, if you're showing up then I guess so."

peter laughed, "Y/N come on, what did we just have an entire conversation about? Of course, I'm showing up."

You nodded slowly then looked towards Ned, "I didn't hit my head anywhere just a minute ago, did I?" 

Ned just shrugged, "I'm just as surprised as you are Y/N. Peter needs to step up his game and I'm sure the internship can wait an evening. After all," he gave Peter a hard look before an amused expression took over his face, "After all, what is an internship if not just running around making copies of random things and memorizing dozens of different coffee orders."

"Hey man come on, we've been over this." he nodded his head towards you and widened his eyes slightly, but you didn't notice, too busy taking a sip from your chocolate milk, "This isn't just any internship. I have to be available at every moment in case Mr. Stark decides he needs me on something."

"Mhm, whatever," Ned took a bite of his sandwich, "All I'm saying is that no matter how important it is, you need to learn to divide up your time evenly."

"Don't worry Ned, I'll be sure to sign him up for some time management classes," you said seriously, making Ned choke on his food from laughter. 

Peter sighed, one arm still resting on the table, the palm of it holding his head. his other arm tucked away under the table, hand holding yours. 

you were feeling amazing, your mood completely lifted now. Peter was finally making the first step to fix things after your many failed attempts. Things could start going back to how they were at the beginning of your relationship. sweet, caring, and mutual. 

You were so sick of feeling like this whole thing was one-sided but now things finally looked like they were turning up. 

Little did you know. 

When the day finally ended you couldn't wait. Spending time with Peter while hanging out with your new friends (somewhat, you weren't really sure but you were optimistic) seemed like it be such a good time. Almost too good to be true. 

You rushed towards your locker and gathered your stuff before shooting Peter a text that you'll just meet him in the auditorium. 

You arrived there before anyone else, which was typical, everyone would be wandering the halls with their friends for a while before making their way here. The cast and crew might mess around a bit but in the end, they were extremely passionate about what they did and you knew that in the end, the show would be amazing. They were all incredibly talented. 

little by little everyone started filing in in little groups. You searched them all for Peter but he was never a part of them. Oh well, he was probably caught up with Ned and MJ at the moment. He'll be here in a bit. 

When the majority of people were present you, reluctantly, decided you had to get things started whether Peter was here yet or not. Everyone had to start getting to work and he should be here any minute now. 

"Ok everyone, you've been wandering around long enough. Time to get started," you clapped your hands together, a clipboard held under your arm, "Noah, Jack, and Lacy we've got to start making progress on the set and I don't want paint everywhere we've had one paint fight too many," you narrowed your eyes at Noah and Jack who looked down sheepishly. It had been a mess. It'd looked as if a pride parade had thrown up all over the stage. 

"This background is our last chance and if you mess it up again we'll probably have to cancel and if that happens, I will not hesitate to unleash Lexi on you," you gestured towards the girl who glared at them and you could've sworn you saw them pale which made smile a small smile. 

You pulled out your clipboard to skim through and see what was on the agenda. "Where's our light-man," you asked and looked up. Everyone shrugged looking around until a girl, Martha, spoke, "Lenny had a teacher meeting, he's running a bit late but he'll be here."

You nodded, "Martha that reminds me, how's your mom doing with the costumes? does she have everything she needs?" 

Martha nodded quickly, "Measurements and everything. All of them should be ready a few days before the big day and she'll be here that night for any mending that might be needed." She shot you two big thumbs up. 

"Good, good, good," you muttered under your breath. You looked around at everyone and shrugged lightly, "OK so I guess everyone just rehearse your lines, get to work and we should be good for the next couple of hours."

Chatter quickly spread across the large room as everyone got together working and talking. You sat down on a seat and let out a long sigh. You tugged your phone out of your pocket and looked for a new message from Peter. There was nothing. You sent two more and added a call for good measure. He didn't pick up, it just rang all the way through. Maybe he got caught up with a teacher. Or maybe he got detention and didn't get a chance to tell you. 

You had more important things to get to and Peter would get here whenever he got the chance. He'd promised after all. So you shouldn't worry about it too much. 

You started making rounds around all the groups of working teenagers, stopping when you saw Lexi waving you over to her little group which mostly consisted of the main cast. 

You walked over to them, "And how's everything going over here? Any trouble?" They all shook their heads. 

"Actually, I think we're getting along rather well, it's a great cast you've rounded up here miss Y/L/N," Mrs. Lightbody said, making you feel extremely proud. 

"I actually wanted to talk to you," Lexi said kindly. 

"Oh? What's up, Lex." She grabbed your hand and led you a little farther away from the group, turning and shooting them a quick reassuring smile. 

Lexi was the star of the whole play, playing the main character, so you'd worked with her closely these past few weeks. She helped you with even the slightest things so you wouldn't get too stressed or anxious (she claimed you were the only sane person in the whole group and it needed to stay that way). She was undoubtedly the most excited person about the whole play and you couldn't blame her, you could already tell from just practice that she was going to do amazing. She was on the popular side where school cliques were involved, but she was always such a sweetheart. She quickly became a great friend of yours and you hoped it stayed that way even after the play and all these fun little get-togethers were over. 

"Hey, Y/N I noticed you seemed a little off before. I'm sorry if I'm out of line saying this but I just wanted to check in on you and make sure everything was okay. Anything going on? I'm always here to listen if you need to talk," she smiled one of her heartwarming smiles. 

You were a little shocked that she'd noticed, "Thanks Lex, really, but I'm fine I promise. but thank you so much for looking out for me."

she had a look on her face like she didn't believe you but she didn't push it, which you appreciated, "ok well if you decide you want to talk about I'm always around I promise," she grabbed you into a hug which you gladly accepted. she pulled away and squeezed your shoulder before heading back to the group. 

You loved her but really there was nothing wrong. Because Peter was gonna show up. Even if he hadn't answered you yet. He's gonna show up, follow you like a lost puppy, and marvel at your every move in that way of his to the point where it got annoying, and you were gonna make him swear to never come to one of these again. To which he would pout and give you puppy-dog eyes and you'd both forget whatever it was you'd said. 

He had to come. otherwise, you might seriously start considering Ned's words from earlier. or you won't be her boyfriend for much longer. 

Peter had to show up because maybe your whole relationship was on the line. 

An hour of a bunch of nonsense arguing passed until you finally heard the press of the large auditorium doors opening up. 

Your heart flew when you saw the large mess of brunette curls turned to close the doors. however, your hope quickly deflated as soon as the figure turned around. it was just Lenny the light-man. 

"Lenny, great. I need you to start working on the lights and getting them ready," you told him. He nodded and quickly made his way backstage. 

You were totally bummed. peter hadn't even replied to you so you had no clue what was going on. you'd even gone so far as to text Ned who'd just sent you a shrugging emoji and an apology for not knowing where he was. 

You felt a little broken, with each passing minute, your hope that your boyfriend might still show up dying down. 

You were desperate so you walked down to the side of the stage where Lexi was chatting with her 'co-star' Brad Davis, who played her love interest. 

You walked up to them, your hand lightly grabbing Lexi's shoulder which brought her attention to you, "Can I talk to you," you whispered. She nodded quickly. You looked towards Brad whose attention was already on you, "Is it alright if I just steal her for a moment," you sent him a fake smile. He smiled back, "No don't worry about it, she's all yours."

He looked like he was might say something else but you didn't give him the chance to before dragging your friend away from all the commotion, "I'm ready to talk now."

She looked at you knowingly before sitting down and patting the spot next to her. So you sat and you told her everything. You told her about all the missed dates, how sometimes he'd just ignore you completely making it impossible to reach him and come back and act like nothing happened, how it always seemed like he was hiding something, and how you were so tired. 

And she listened, of course, never making you feel like you were being overdramatic, and making you feel something that Peter always failed to. Seen. 

When you finally finished Lexi looked at you with total sympathy-eyes, you hated it but you sucked it up because you had chosen to talk to her. 

"Permission to speak freely?" she asked hesitantly. You nodded quickly, "Yes of course, please do that's why I came to you in the first place." 

"Dump his ass," she deadpanned. Your eyes widened in shock as you looked at her. "Really?" you asked. She nodded, "Y/N, I love you but it's obvious that this boy doesn't. Because if he did there's no way he'd test you like that, I mean, he's standing you up right now when he promised he'd be here. I say end it before it gets worse. But hey," she held up both hands, "If you think I'm out of line saying that I totally understand but I'm just telling you what I'd do if I was in your shoes."

"You think I should dump him," you mumbled looking down, not really believing it. You'd thought about it sure, what would happen if you two weren't together anymore but you'd never considered it an option, let alone a solution. 

"Thanks, Lex, I'll think about it," you gave her a tight smile and she smiled back. "I just hope you do whatever feels best for you Y/N, you've been looking down lately and you don't deserve that." She gave your hand a squeeze and one last smile before she went back to practice. 

You weren't seriously thinking about ending things with Peter, you were too scared to lose him. Your friendship was more important than any relationship ever could be. But the longer he went as a no-show the more it ran through your brain for the rest of rehearsal. Peter never texted or called. You were desperate for a simple "sorry" at this point, not wanting to have to settle for the worst option. But as time went on, the less it seemed like an option and more like a task. Something you had to do, that had to be done—something new to check off your clipboard. 

Rehearsal ended and people left in groups as they had come. You lingered, smiling and saying you had just a few things to check up on before you left whenever someone took regard for your incessant hovering. Soon enough you were the only person in the big empty room. 

You sat at the edge of the stage, legs dangling, and pulled out your phone from your pocket. You sent one last text, we need to talk. 

After about ten minutes of waiting there, you decided it was getting late and you had to get home before it was too dark. maybe you could convince your parents to let you head over to Peter's after dinner and you could get over with it then. your mind was made up. you were gonna break up with him. 

You gathered your things and made your way up to the big double doors. The hallways were quiet and you were hyperaware of every step of yours. It was weird to see the school so dead, a big contrast to the usual packed hallways. The more you thought about it the more it was like you could almost hear the running footsteps of students. No scratch that, student. Okay at this point it started sounding too real.

You turned around to catch your boyfriend speeding down the hallway, skidding to a stop when you saw you. 

"Oh my god Y/N, I'm so sorry I totally lost track of time. I was just helping May out with a few things and next thing I know-" 

You held up a hand to stop him, "Save it Peter I really don't care." 

His face fell, "But, hey, let me make it up to you! Let's go get some ice cream or something. You can tell me what rehearsal was like today and I'll walk you home after. It's getting dark."

You crossed your arms. you almost wanted to agree but you knew better than that, this whole thing was getting way too much for you to handle. 

"Peter I'm done," you told him simply. he looked at you a little confused, "done...done with what?"

"This," you almost screamed as you pointed at the two of you, "I'm done with this, this whole act because, let's face it, we both know you weren't helping May with shit." you were surprised you had gotten this far without crying and you wanted to keep it that way so you sucked in a breath and tried to steady your heartbeat. 

The guilty look in his eyes told you enough. you were right. he moved the slightest step closer but you moved back, you really didn't feel like touching him at the moment. "come on sweetheart," he said weakly, "there's gotta be something I can do. I promise I'll show up on time more, you'll never have to wait for me again. I'll be around you so much you'll get sick of me. just please don't do this."

"That's the thing, Peter," you groaned, "I don't want to be sick of you but I'm sick of the way you keep treating me. you make me feel like shit Peter. you're my boyfriend and you make me feel terrible. and I keep trying to help you out, coming up with different excuses each time but I've finally run out. I want a stable relationship and you can't give me that so I'm done." 

His eyes were red now and you had to push back the guilt you were feeling, he brought this upon himself. it's true, you wouldn't have done this unless it was absolutely necessary. you loved him but you just couldn't handle it anymore. 

"I can," his voice broke slightly on that last word, "I can give you that y/n just give me another chance to show you." 

You huffed, "Well Peter, part of a stable relationship is honesty. can you be honest and tell me where you were today? 'Cause it's been established that you weren't with May."

He froze a little and you continued, "In fact, why don't you tell me where you were when you missed all those dates, all those couple hangouts, and all those group hangouts? When you missed my parents' anniversary dinner that they invited you to, or my little brother's birthday party that he was really excited you'd be there for. Go ahead Pete," you flung out your arms, "tell me where you were and I'll believe you can give me a stable relationship."

He looked physically conflicted, as if he was genuinely having an inner battle with himself, "I- I can't y/n/n, but you have to believe me when I say it's for the best."

"And I can't Peter. I can't so just forget this," you cleared your throat, "Come back when you can actually handle a relationship Parker, or you know what, don't because either way, I'm through with this."

You turned to walk away. his hand reached out to grab your wrist but you dodged it and held your hand up, "I don't think we should talk anymore," you kept walking and he didn't follow. You didn't want him to. But in all honesty, it was hard to turn your back when the person you were leaving was always the one you ran to when your heart shattered as it did right then. 

the cold air hit you hard and the tears finally came, slightly smudging the concealer under your eyes but you couldn't care less at the moment. 

It was true what he'd said, it was dark already and windy so you tried to be alert on your way home, deciding you could process all your emotions when you're home safe. 

You were walking for a bit, wiping your tears and trying to keep your vision clear when you heard a slight thud next to you and footsteps matching up to catch yours. "Hello Miss, it's pretty dark, can I walk you home?"

part 2 is here !!

[russellsppttemplates]

Soon enough (Lance Stroll)

There are many different ways to start a family, and Lance and Y/N are hopefully starting their own

Note: english is not my first language. This piece is written from experiences I know (my mother's, specifically), so it is probable that there are some mistakes as I'm not a doctor. Either way, I've tried to treat this as respectfully as possible as this is very close to my heart. Am I really giddy for the follow up parts? Yes, I am!

Thank you so much to everyone who likes and reblogs, your feedback is appreciated 🤍 and I'm taking requests so if you have any ideas or concepts you want to share, feel free to do so as I'll try to get to them the best I can!

my masterlist

Tw: mentions endometriosis, fertility issues and treatments and associated topics like blood, medicine, hospitals, needles, etc., male masturbation, pregnancy

Tag list: @myloverjk-blog

"It's just going to be negative, Lance", you mumbled, placing the stick on top of the counter and turning to the tap to ways your hands. "Then we'll know what to look for, sweetheart", he attempted, knowing how much the subject weighed on your chest.

When you decided it was time to start thinking about building your family, you and Lance went back to Dr. Marlin like she had asked you. Given your endometriosis, she wanted to accompany you in your fertility journey, checking out all of the possibilities before you moved on to bigger situations.

Lance had been the most supportive partner, always there to cheer you on and to hold you whenever things didn't work out, "Dr. Marlin said that if this didn't work, we are moving on to the big treatments", you looked at him, "and that's what we will do if you want, whenever you feel comfortable", he kissed the side of your head after pulling you close to him, "we're in this together, Y/N".

Grabbing the test when your phone beeped, you didn't even flinch, "negative, like I said", you mumbled, your top lip trembling as you hid your face in your husband's neck. As much as you expected it, it still hurt. Like any other couple wanting to start parenthood, you wanted to remember this period of your life fondly, but you also knew you weren't any other couple. You weren't alone, and since you became more invested in learning about your condition, you found out about all the other couples who had been through the same and their happy families, remembering someone with a very similar history to yours.

"I love you, Y/N, so much. I love you and we're going to have our own family, my love", Lance whispered in your ear, "we're in this together until the end, whatever it takes", he soothed, kissing your skin and hugging you tight against him.

"Do you have any meetings today?", you asked as you pulled away a few moments later, wiping your tears on your sleeve, "I have one at the end of the day, and I'm free for the rest of the week", Lance informed, "I have to get to work for the afternoon only, my morning is free too", you sniffed.

"Then I can call Dr. Marlin to book an appointment and you can go and get ready because we are going on a walk. It's a very quiet one, I doubt we'll run into anyone, okay?", he suggested, smiling when he saw your lips curve upwards slightly, "you're the best. I love you, Lance", you kissed his lips, walking out the bathroom and into the bedroom while he made the phone call.

.

"Do you need a blood sample?", you asked the assistant on the counter, "no, today it's just an ultrasound, and after that you might have to come in for other samples, just depends on how the appointment goes today", she smiled, "Dr. Marlin will call you shortly".

Sitting next to Lance as you waited, you grabbed his hand and started playing with in fingers on top of his thigh, "are you ready to hear that my uterus is a sad sad place for a baby to grow and that not even your guys want to stay in there? We've known eacother for a good while, so I thought we'd befriended, but apparently they're either too snobby or my uterus is a very hostile place", you joked, hoping that it would shake your nerves off, "too much?", you cringed.

"That's not the weirdest thing you've said to me", your husband chuckled, "and I'll listen to anything you say as long as it makes you smile", he cupped your cheek, "besides, who knows? Maybe my guys are also picky, or slow".

Dr. Marlin welcomed you in her office not long after, greeting you and confirming the informations she had, "like we discussed before, it seems that our best approach would be treatments like IVF. For that, of you still want to go for that route, we'll need some samples so we can also rule out any questions from Lance and see where your levels are", she said, getting up, "for today, we'll do the ultrasound as this will also given us more information".

Getting up and laying down on the bed, Lance followed you, standing on your side as you lifted your shirt enough for her to squeeze the gel and move the wand around, "see here? This is your fallopian tube, and it seems the most blocked, while your uterus is actually shedding well enough", she explained, pointing to the different spots on the screen.

"And is that good or bad? I mean, given the circumstances", you questioned, "I can't tell you with absolute certainty, as everyone is different, but this is usually a good sign. It means that it's your eggs that are not travelling to the uterus, and not like you have a low count or that they don't have a good place to settle once fertilised", she smiled, "I'm prescribing you the bloodwork and the samples we need, but after that, if everything checks out, we'll wait for your period and then we'll start couting from there".

.

"It's time for the shot, sweetheart", Lance called, grabbing the supplies he needed as you sat on the sofa. Even though you were fine doing it by yourself, having Lance doing the injections when he was home helped him feel involved in the process. "You can leave that there, then I can just pick it up after you take the needle out", you noted, placing the gauze in your thigh.

Lance tapped the syringe twice to make sure it was at the right level, kneeling down in front of you, "I'm just going to pinch your tummy, is this side, right?", he confirmed, seeing you nod, "are you ready, love?", he checked over before injecting the medicine on your skin, holding the syringe steady for a little bit before pulling it out, discarding it in the medical waste bin Dr. Marlin had given you while you dealt with the burn.

"This one is burning a lot more than I expected", you moaned, squeezing your eyes shut as the stung softened, feeling Lance's lips on your tummy and right by your hand that was pressing the gauze down, "you're very brave, Y/N, I love you".

"I love you too, handsome", you cradled his face, rubbing his stubbly cheek before helping him store the supplies for the next injection time, "we only have four days left", you smiled, looking at the medicine vials.

"Soon enough, Y/N, soon enough", he kissed your forehead, hugging carefully to not press on your tender lower belly, "you're so amazing all I keep doing is just that, but you're taking it all in, it's your body going through the changes", he kissed your softly.

"You're the one dealing with these hormonal changes, I still can't believe I cried when your sister showed up at the table with the pie a little bit more golden that it usually is. It wasn't burnt and it tasted amazing as usual, but the sight of it not done like usual sent me in a fit of cries", you blushed. Chloe was understanding like you expected her to be, but you still couldn't shake her panicked few seconds when she saw your tears, calling her brother immediately so he could hug you and soothe you.

"It's part of the process, love, and I want to be here for as much as I'm able", he said, interrupted by the sound of your phone going off, "it's Dr. Marlin, let me put in on speaker".

The phone call couldn't have gone better, "Y/N, I've reviewed the scans and it looks really good, keep up with the rest of the treatment and next week we'll look into the retrievals", she announced.

.

"This wasn't the way we were supposed to make a baby", you mumbled, "I should be getting naked and we'd be in our bed, and we'd whisper how much we love eachother and then we'd cuddle in said bed, not with me in a procedure room and you in another, in these cold and sterile sheets", you looked up at Lance.

You were back in the clinic so the doctors could collect both samples, and while you've had the years to prepare for this, and with therapy it was something you had worked over, sometimes you were still plagued by these thoughts.

Fortunately, your husband knew just what to say, "it's not the usual way, yes, but it's filled with love nonetheless. You're putting yourself through procedures after your body had been medicated with injections, and that is love. For out little one who we will hopefully hold in our arms when the time comes, love for our family and love for me. You're going to make me a father because of this amount of love you're showing me and that we share, okay?", he smiled soothingly, kissing your forehead, "no more of those worries, okay? Besides, we'll have loads of time for you to touch me and for me to touch you", he winked, helping you turn around so he could help you with the gown's tie.

Kissing your forehead goodbye once the nurses came to take you, Lance was then pulled to a room for himself, "all of the supplies you need are there", she pointed to the sterile table, leaving him alone in the room. Masturbating in a hospital room was not something he ever thought about doing. It wasn't that you weren't there with him, because he certainly had done it many times whenever he travelled for races and you weren't there, so he figured it was the white walls, plain in a room that only had the purpose he was in there for too. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he found the photo album of pictures of you he kept for these occasions. The collection was built along the years you've dated, usually ending up on his phone whenever you both felt particularly daring and in need of the other and you weren't physically able to satisfy it. The picture he used, however, was one he had taken himself. The picture was probably three months old as he had taken in on your anniversary, your naked side profile as you looked sweetly at the camera. You hadn't done anything big to celebrate it, opting instead for staying in and spending your time between the sheets working on your shared dream of a family. And that's exactly what he was doing right now, stroking himself as he recalled the sweet noises you make that he adores so much, the way you feel around him and how your body feels in his hands, soon collecting his finish in the sterile cup.

Making sure it was sealed tight and then washing his hands, Lance fixed himself and walked out of the room, heading up to the desk and handing his sample to the nurse, "there you go", he began, seeing her store it in a cooler like box, "I'm sorry to bother, but do you have any news on my wife?", he wondered, "Y/N's procedure seems to be concluded", the nurse looked at the monitor in front of her, "they're probably just finishing up and she'll be up in her room any minute. Do you want me to walk you there?".

"I think I still remember the way, thank you though", Lance smiled, walking along the corridors until he found the room you had been in. He sat in the comfortable chair, smiling when he saw your colourful fuzzy socks waiting on your bag, remembering reading reports from other women saying that their feet were cold after the retrieval, and since you weren't a big fan of the cold, Lance made sure to pack them for you.

The noise in the corridor caught his attention as the nurse that had wheeled you to the procedure room came back, wheeling you back inside, "she's still a bit sleepy, but the procedure went well. Dr. Marlin said that, at first glance, everything is right on track", she smiled as she noticed Lance's worry fade, "we will be both here in a bit so we can discharge her, but if something happens meanwhile, there's a bell there", she pointed, excusing herself and closing the door behind her.

Turning to face you, Lance kissed your cheek as you fluttered your lashes, "hey, sleepy girl", he cooed, prompting you to fully open your eyes, "I heard you did really well in there", he admitted proudly.

"Yes, they said something about a good number of eggs, I think I might've compared myself to a chicken, so you know, good things", you giggled, looking for his hand to hold, "thank you, for all this", you kissed his knuckles, "no need to thank me, we're in this together, sweetheart".

After explaining you the signs you should look out for, the medical team discharged you and off home you went with Lance.

.

Since you got the call to book the embryo transfer day, you and Lance had been cautiously hopeful with the results, "Lance, Y/N, I'm happy to say that we have 10 embryos to work with. They have developed healthily and without any complications", Dr. Marlin cheered.

"Let's go get a baby put inside of me, hm?", you stepped out of the car, holding Lance's hand as you walked to the door. Checking in was quick and you were almost immediately welcomed into the procedure room, sitting in the bed and covering yourself as requested.

"I imagine I'm looking very sexy", you joked in a way to deal with the nerves, "you always look the sexiest to me", your husband kissed the side of your head, resting his forehead in yours, "we're finally here, my love, you've got this, we've got this", he whispered, almost terrified that of he spoke any louder he would disturb the mood.

You heard a knock on the door, Dr. Marlin and her colleague walking in wheeling a small cart, "we have your embryos here", she pointed to the environment where they had been developing. As they rearranged the room, they pushed a highchair by your side, telling Lance he could sit in there while they worked, "so, Y/N, you shouldn't feel too much pain, rather some pressure as we make the transfer", she said as she maneuvered the small catheter, her colleagues guiding the ultrasound as you looked at Lance, finding the usual calm in his brown eyes.

"That was very well placed, actually the perfect spot", Dr. Marlin said, smiling behind her mask as he removed the devices and covered you up. "It's done", she empathised, rubbing your shoulder and hugging you, "now you're just going to stay here for 10, 15 minutes or so, to make sure everything settles", she excused herself, leaving you and Lance in the room.

"We made a baby and they're inside of you", Lance choked out. Throughout this process, he had always been the strong one, the one to hold you whenever you didn't want to do the injection because it hurt too much, whenever you felt like crap from the meds and whenever you lost hope, but today he cried for the first time, bringing tears to your own, "I'm so happy, I promise these are happy tears", he chuckled, "I always say that I'm the luckiest guy because you love me, at my best and t my worst, and today you proved it to me once again. I really am the luckiest", he kissed your lips, salty tears in the mix while you waited.

"We'll see you in two weeks for the test, okay?", your OB waved goodbye after giving you two big hugs, "thank you, once more", you spoke, forever grateful for the way she led you through this whole journey.

Driving home was quiet and comfortable, your seat adjusted so you didn't have as much pressure on your abdominal area, "They really should get this holes sorted, they've been here for a while now and they're only getting worse", Lance mumbled, "I'm sorry, sweetheart", he apoligised as he slowed down the car as much as it was safe to, "it's fine, it doesn't hurt or anything", you justified, not seeing the need to be so careful.

Blushing, your husband passed all the holes, the concrete now smooth as he drove faster again, "can't give any more shakes to the little bun, you know? Making sure they stay glued to the wall and all", he said sweetly, hopefully bringing lightness to the situation as you pouted at his cuteness.

"I love you, Lance. There's no one else I'd want to do this with", you stretched your hand, landing on his thigh as his own hand travelled to your tummy, rubbing it softly and hoping that your family was growing inside of you.

[auncyen]

Say How You Feel

(...tentative title and yeah it's continuing off of this ahfeohef I REALLY WANTED TO FINISH TODAY BUT I GOTTA CALL IT HERE TONIGHT the writing juice is running low)

A...family? Your heart flutters at the thought--and then it drops.

Because Isa's wrong. He's assuming way too much. Bonnie already has their family, and maybe you're friends with Mirabelle but you're so bad at talking with her she can't possibly consider you family, and Odile's... already made it clear how she feels.

"No? You don't agree?" Isa asks. Stars, you want him to be right! You want it to be true! But...

"We're not even all friends," you mutter, and he looks surprised--did he forget?? You're supposed to be the forgetful one! "Don't you remember? Odile said we weren't friends, we're allies at best!"

Odile looks more surprised than you expected when you glance at her--she even looks confused. Did she forget too???

And then, with a flash of surprise, her expression switches to annoyance and aggravation. "Siffrin, I was joking."

"...Oh." This time you want to slide under the table and never emerge.

"No, but this is why it's good to talk about our feelings!" Mirabelle says. "Because, well, sometimes misunderstandings don't get caught right away."

"Gems forbid Siffrin had left thinking I don't even like them." Odile folds her arms and then looks aside, her upset expression slowly softening with regret. "But it's funny, in a sense. I was prepared to do terrible things to protect you all. Still am, should it be necessary." She smiles wryly, but it fades quickly. "But that's unlikely now. Instead, we need to do something I'm not very good at. Discussing feelings."

Isabeau nods. "Sometimes that feels like a terrible thing too."

"The worst," Odile mutters, getting a quiet laugh out of him. You smile, though your eyes are still fixed on the table. "'Family'... I have some issues with that word, but I...suppose it best describes the closeness I feel to you all. And yes, that includes you, Siffrin."

Your cheeks burn, and you glance up to see she's looking at you. You squirm a little in your seat. But she smiles at you with fondness, and the warmth stinging your cheeks isn't so bad.

"It fits!" Bonnie says. "We stay together, we eat together! Like me and Nille!"

"Mm!" Mirabelle nods happily. "I think it's a lovely description for us!"

"I think we're all in agreement, then!" Isabeau says. "Because, Sif, you used your wish to guide us all safely through the House. You really care a lot about us."

You nod, too embarrassed to look up.

"And we care about you."

You grip your elbows tightly below the table. Why is your eye stinging? This is wonderful! It's everything you could ask for!

"But--"

'BUT'?!

Isabeau's hands fly up when you look at him, and his voice squeaks a bit. "We don't know how to help you if you don't tell us there's a problem!"

"There's not--"

Bonnie bangs their small fists on the table. You nearly jump out of your skin. "You were crying, Frin! You NEVER cry! We gotta know what's wrong!"

"Easy, Boniface," Odile chides, gesturing them to sit back down in their chair.

"We need to talk about this calmly," Mira reminds Bonnie before looking at you. "But we really do need to talk about it, Siffrin. Last night, you...you didn't just seem sad, you seemed distraught."

"We'd really like to help, Sif. Even if it's just by listening."

"There's no point in talking about it." You slump back in your seat, hugging your arms. You feel cornered right now. Your friends in front of you, and the aching void inside you, yawning and stretching to swallow up your past. ...If they really want to know, eventually they'd see how empty you are anyway, so you might as well talk. Maybe it's better they find out here and now. (It probably would have been best if they'd found out before calling you family.) "I can't even explain it well."

"Siffrin." Odile's voice is softer than you'd expect. "I...have an idea what the issue might be. Correct me if I'm wrong, but...you can't go back home, can you?"

(Laugh it off. Tell her she's wrong.)

Your eye burns.

(Lie and you might have a little longer before they realize you're broken!)

But they'd figure it out eventually. You shake your head. No, you can't go back home. Mira makes a sad hum.

"Why can't you go back home?" Bonnie asks. "Were they really mad about the boat?"

Bonnie's question is so confusing that you forget about the stinging in your eye for the moment, managing to look up at them. "...What?"

"The boat. When you ran away?" Bonnie huffs when you stay silent. "You still don't remember? You were telling us the story yesterday, and then you just stopped in the middle! ...Frin? Are you okay?"

...Yeah, Isabeau said something about you telling a story about running away yesterday, right? At the time, you'd tried to put it out of mind to focus on getting through the House, but... if you'd ran away in a boat...

Your very first memory is of being in a boat, staring at the stars above, around, below you, the dark ocean mirroring the night sky. It'd taken you long minutes to realize you should get to land and search for the darkness that wasn't broken by pinpricks of light to find the coast. It'd taken you even longer, midway rowing there, to realize that no, it wasn't just the pounding headache making it hard to think: you couldn't remember anything about yourself.

If you ran away in a boat, then...that's when it happened, isn't it? "Did I tell you why I ran away?" you hear yourself ask. Because--it's hurt, for so long, not having a home, not even knowing why you didn't have a home, so if you can at least have an answer--

"You didn't want to eat your veggies," Bonnie says simply. "Even though you should! Veggies are good for you!"

...What? What?

Oh,

that's

funny.

"Frin?"

That's

so

funny

you

can't

even

laugh.

"Sif?"

-

"raaj isn't this the happier au" yes. but also it's still Siffrin here and it's just way too tempting to think about their reaction to the runaway story in the context of 'this is why I don't remember a blinding thing about my life'.

[sepetajmikolikomehoces]

I seriously do not know how to make this coherent. I think if we just dive in not expecting it, it won't feel so disjointed.

This was one of the most magical weekends of my life, by far the best one this year so far and I think it will hold up pretty damn well in the long run. I am so, so happy that I didn't end up selling my Saturday ticket, despite it being an upper level seated ticket. I was afraid I'd feel very removed and that the view would be obscured, but it was all but.

Like that is pretty dang good.

Didn't queue for overly long either day, and met some really, really lovely people. If you feel like you at any point talked to me, hi, hello, I am so happy to have met you!!

Openers were really good, I enjoyed both Pilvet pilvet and JC Stewart, and I hope to hear more from both in the future.

Saturday's setlist was a bit of a shock, ngl. No ASTP? No NGVOT? No Barve?? On the other hand: my soul ascended during the Gola opening and I was very emotional during Vem da greš. It's been an anthem for me since last fall, and getting to experience it live, even from my seat, was just... yeah. A Lot. We'd gotten folded paper butterflies to hold up if they played Metulji and it was one of the most beautiful renditions I have heard of it, with Jan on the piano, Bojan singing and a sea of paper butterflies floating. I could be wrong, but Bojan seemed a bit taken by the whole thing in a positive way.

I had maybe had a feeling that Everybody's waiting would be a song that would come into its own right live and it definitely did. This weekend really made me fall even more in love with it, and though Bojan was clearly nervous about it, it was nice to see a bit of humour around the performance, with Jan having to help play the intro notes.

The two new songs they premiered on Saturday were such bangers, I have not been able to get them out of my head. Between Šta bih ja and Bluza, I am leaning more towards Bluza. There is something about it that gives me the same kind of emotional response as Vem da greš, but they are both going to be on heavy rotation, the sound is just... chef's kiss for both.

I know there had been a lot of hype and expectations re: Käärijä and the possibility of him doing a song with them. As much as it would have been fun, I'm actually happy he didn't, and simply got to enjoy the show as a spectator. Getting Häärijä as Hojan was more than enough, I think I pulled something laughing so hard.

We got the band out for a second encore (after Carpe Diem and Novi val), and they did Šta bih ja again, and it made my heart so fucking happy to see them so excited and bouncy.

For Sunday, I had early entrance, and let me tell you... when Bojan announced they were soundchecking ASTP... my soul left me, I was fucking LEVITATING. Getting NGVOT with Kris after that (following a very random rendition of Ring of Fire by Bojan) was just perfection. I also completely froze when Jure came over and talked to the girls in front of me. Like I fully just glitched, couldn't make myself speak, couldn't make myself take a picture, just stood there like the personification of bluescreening. That sunshiney fucker has too much power.

They switched up the setlist for Sunday and as sad as I was at losing out on Vem da greš up close, I felt more than happy about instead getting Barve oceana and Padam, as well as another new song. Setlist said it was called Schlager, Bojan said it might be named Behind Those Eyes OR Galaxy of Me, so it's going to be fun to see what they settle on finally. Either way, the song was a whole damn vibe, and I hope people going to the rest of the tour will get to enjoy both these and other new songs.

Padam had me up in my feels HARD. Again with Jan accompanying on the piano, it was just a really raw and intimate rendition that hit me right in my soul. I've had "Zdaj padam in padam, a me bo kdo ujel?" on my letterboard at home for the last two months, and hearing this line... ooft, my heart.

Having seen recordings of Novi val live is NOTHING compared to experiencing it live. It is one of the best songs out there and the chorus hits me every. single. time. There is something so sweet and gentle about the setup of it, Kris on guitar, Bojan singing and the rest of them just enjoying the moment, taking everything in.

I think the thing that I'll ultimately cherish the most is the easy atmosphere, the connection the band had with the audience, and the fact that I got to be there and that I got to do all of this with friends. This weekend has been a beacon for me since they announced it and since I got the tickets. Going to a JO gig has been on my bucketlist. I got to cross that off and have so much fun while doing it, and you can bet your fucking ass I will try to get tickets to Ruisrock this summer.

[alicepao13]

Hudson and Rex S02E02 - Over Ice

Eh, yes that definitely needs to be under the cut because it's long.

It feels wrong that this show had an ice skating episode before a hockey episode lol

"You should keep your dog on the carpet. It's slippier than it looks". He has four legs. And claws.

Charlie and Sarah are flirting over the body again. This is unacceptable (please continue). And we learn about Sarah's figure skating past.

"Who's afraid of little old me?"

The mom was so annoying for most of the episode.

"Enjoying" figure skating.

In the first couple of seasons there must have been about a dozen references about Jesse never going home.

I remember I had a lot of trouble finding the killer in this one. They all seemed very suspicious.

So it's not illegal to be in possessions of steroids, you just get in trouble if you use one while competing for stuff?

Julia's confession to Sarah is a nice scene. And I like Sarah's subtle reaction and support. It's not anything too dramatic, or shallow, and I honestly don't understand why some of the audience react the way they did (imdb reviews can give a hint). Not to mention that this episode gets "wokeness warning" (I can't think of any other way to put it) in backwards countries like... the US. Do you know how ridiculous it is for an episode with a minor trans character to be treated like that in the US while in countries that are a hundred years back in social issues like Greece no one bats an eye? Eh, a lot. (In Greece it aired in a major free broadcasting network and was a bit before legislation protecting trans people had passed, so I thought that we'd be the ones to cut it or we'd remove stuff in the subtitles. We didn't cut it and the subtitles were normal, plus that season was repeated like 3-4 times.)

Sarah: "I'm not a cop". You're not a cop now. In S4 you will be carrying a badge and gun.

Ah, the freezer, finally.

I am simultaneously happy and sad that this shipper moment happened so early. Happy because it was well made and if you don't put crumbs early enough, then who's going to ship it? And sad because, well, imagine this happening in S4 for example. It would have been so good and it would have been laced with an extra layer of angst.

No but Charlie was very quick to panic.

Charlie: Rex, open the door buddy! || Rex: Once again, Charlie, I don't have thumbs.

I love Charlie's detailed instructions to Rex. Sir, he's a dog. You're lucky he actually knew where to go for help. And I have to note that the most helpful suggestion came from Sarah.

Work never ends, not even when you're trapped in a freezer.

Getting to the good stuff. Couples whump, yes please.

How can anyone claim that they weren't meant to be a couple like???

"I guess I peaked early." "Hardly".

Meanwhile, Rex is trying to find the right people who will understand that when he's without Charlie, Charlie is in trouble.

Sharing body heat (and coat).

Jesse: Rex, wait up! || Rex: No, my humans are in danger! Can't those two legs of yours go any faster?

Oh, you know, just chilling.

And then Charlie asks Rex what took so long? I'd have left and locked the door again. Joking, Charlie thanks him afterwards. Just globber him in saliva, Rex, that will show him.

Random thoughts: Charlie's arm around Sarah. Also Jesse dying from all the running in the back, and no one paying attention to him lol

S4!Charlie would have at least knocked Lucas unconscious for locking him and Sarah in the freezer. At least Rex bit him and threw him on the ground.

The following interrogation scene is lookwarm and they don't mention the fact that Lucas tried to kill two more people after that. The jury is not going to like the fact that he moved the body afterwards? What about trying to kill two cops?

I like the ending scene. It ends on a high note. As for the "wokeness", just as I remembered, it doesn't present anything other than that trans people exist. It doesn't make any statements. So, I'm confused by people's reactions yet again.

[zukazukazuka]

Serika Toa to Retire on April 27, 2025

Long reflective navel-gazing and emotional processing under the cut.

tl;dr: If I had a nickel for every time I inadvertently planned a trip during a Soragumi taidan, I'd have two nickels.

Second nickel hurts way worse.

Inevitably, living on the opposite side of the world means I usually wake up to messages about these things before I actually see them for myself. I remember waking up on July 7, 2017 to things like "wow...hope you like Soragumi!" when her transfer was announced. It feels oddly prophetic that that year we inadvertently planned our trip to catch Asaka Manato's taidan show as well as Kiki's last Grand Theater show with Hanagumi. I cried a lot on that trip, honestly.

Once you start to immerse yourself, it's easy to get attached to your first round of top stars. We'd gotten to see Maasama and Soragumi in Elisabeth the year before, and I was sad she was leaving. Hanagumi was our home troupe, and my favorite actress was transferring. Both shows were incredible, and to this day SANTE!! remains my favorite revue of all time. I think we saw it some ridiculous amount of eight times, back when it was possible to have the privilege of satisfying your brainrot by waiting outside the Tokyo Theater at 5 AM in hopes of getting same-day tickets. I remember the utter devastation of seeing that show from the 4th row, of getting arrowed with a Kukochihiko stare from the silver bridge during her duet with Mirio that made me squirm in my seat. I remember how loud the audience was on senshuuraku in Tokyo, it felt like we were at a rock concert rather than a Takarazuka show, and how satisfying that was, despite the tears.

It's hard to believe that was seven years ago, which feels both so close (literally to a degree, as you don't have to scroll very far down this blog to get my live reaction posts lol) and somehow yet so far away (thanks COVID).

Two months ago, we bought tickets to go back to Japan in January, our first trip since 2019.

This morning I woke up to messages again.

And now apparently I've stumbled yet again into a Soragumi taidan, "my" taidan, which of course I knew ultimately was on the nearer horizon since June 2023, but could never have guessed how fraught everything in between would become.

I can't help but feel exceptionally, heartbreakingly sad.

I fell in love with Kiki from the very first time I set foot in Quatre Reves and saw her photo as Rudolf in 2014. She has always been my favorite since that day, and by the time she goes it will have been effectively 10 and a half years. 10 years, nibante under two long-running top stars, through pandemic closures and changes, and effectively 1.5 GT shows as top. In truth, I'd always prepared myself for a short run. 3 shows would've been just enough to give her 'decent' time without really feeling like they were just shoveling her off after so long as #2, although I would've been cranky about it. 4 or 5 would have been an ideal sweet spot. At this point, I'm sure 3 was always the initial plan, and I hope that had been satisfying for her going into things.

It just extra fucking sucks now.

Today I can't help but feel regret for falling off as much as I did after her transfer. I was able to see her in both of those 2019 trips, thankfully at least once on stage, but the double whammy of Mirio leaving and COVID closures made it feel a lot hard to stay connected to Takarazuka in general - which is ironic, given that I will never, ever not find it surreal to watch a raku livestream on my fucking couch at 12 AM. But I didn't watch as many as I could have. One of my favorite things had always been seeing iride photos on twitter, and it made me feel like even if I couldn't be there, I could still "keep up" with what was happening day to day. Unfortunately (or rather fortunately, given this last year) I am famously too lazy to make a lot of effort to read things in Japanese, even if Takarazuka helped improve it for a time. I have limited space and desire to buy dozens of GRAPHs or other magazines for interviews. I moved on to other interests, but always kept one finger on the pulse of things. At one point, as things went on longer and longer, I thought so many times "hey girl, if you wanna pull a MiyaRuri and bounce without making top, I fully respect and support that, even if I won't get to see you one last time."

Well.

I don't have much I want to say here about what happened last year, except that I hope such a horrendous tragedy does ultimately lead to a lot of reform at the revue. Unlike apparently most everyone, I didn't go digging around the internet for names and 'what really' happened (see: lazy, also not my fucking business). I don't know, I don't want to know, and at this point frankly I don't really care about anyone's particular opinion about the people involved, or whatever outcome they think should have happened.

But we are where we are, now.

Last week, in my naive hope that after we got through Escalier's break with no taidan announcement, I was guessing that she might yet go later next year. I'd been reading the schedule wrong and complaining about the possibility of a late summer taidan, because Japan is fucking horrendous in summer, only to realize that it would've really been October, which would be ideal, although truthfully I'm not sure I could have swung a second trip in one year. I'd been sad about not getting to see her possible ohirome during my favorite time of year, since I couldn't swing a trip last year. In hindsight, I'm glad it turned out as "lucking" into actually seeing taidan rather than potentially have booking a trip last fall and "wasting" it, and that I no longer have to worry about whether or not I get to see it. But it still really fucking sucks.

Part of what helps offset the hurt of an actress retiring, especially your actress, especially a top star, is the celebration of all that's come before. Coming in as a fan in 2014, I saw all of the photos and videos of the last day festivities of Teru and Chie, which continued through all of the others that left in subsequent years. I felt devastated for the top stars who left during the height of pandemic closures, who couldn't have that, and for fans who couldn't get to see it. I'm not even sure what taidans look like these days, as I'm sorry to say a consequence of only trailing vaguely along on the hype train for the past several years is that I haven't seen any taidan shows or bothered with social media to know if they do even a semblance of those last day activities, even for the troupe. It makes me sad to think that maybe those sorts of things are perhaps long gone, just generally. Even if they aren't, though, I doubt we'd get any of that, anyway.

So in absence of that element or really any other joy, all I can really feel is bitterly sad.

In truth, I have a lot of complex feelings about her whole run, and have for many years, but those aren't things I care to lay out here. Suffice it to say, this whole situation feels like icing on that whole cake, I guess.

As I was writing all of this, I realized that just because of timing and that we usually prioritized seeing grand theater shows over small ones, the only time I will have seen Kiki live in a lead show will be her last one. I realize that compared to many people I'm privileged to go at all, let alone the number of times I've already done so in the past, but I'm still utterly heartbroken.

At the end of Escalier last weekend, I'd been so happy to see a semblance of her old self again. Her jokes, her smile, which has always felt like sunshine to me. I can't ever know her real feelings, but I hope that maybe there is some relief for her, knowing there's an end in sight. I hope that despite everything, she can find a satisfying life after the fact, that she'll still be able to perform, if she wishes. At the end of it all, I do feel thankful for the things we do have, the experiences I've had up to this point. My one tiny silver lining is that Sakura is (supposedly, maybe, fingers crossed) hanging around, hopefully for a while, because she's an incredible powerhouse and deserves the world. I'm grateful to her for being Kiki's partner and radiating love at her on stage, and terribly looking forward to seeing that in person.

Anyway, time to go cry some more, and eventually write a letter.

[deadeyedaisy]

Tales of Destiny ~PROUST~ Forgotten Chronicle rough summary

I wasn't sure where else to post this, and Tumblr seemed like the one that would get the most use out of it.

So, I streamed my blind run through TODDC with Kio for the past several months. I ended up getting really into TOD from how much cleaner the presentation of the story and characters were over the PSX version, and was really frustrated that nobody had translated the drama CD, which had been hiding like 95% of Leon's characterization until the remake came along.

I kept a notepad of stuff to talk about during those streams. Sometimes it was off-topic things, sometimes it was little tangents about parts of the game that I thought of over the week until we'd play again. Sometimes it was summaries of supplemental material that was never localized. But most of the time, that material was translated by a fan.

Nobody has fully translated Proust. I wanted it to be translated. So I listened to it as hard as I could and summarized as best I could. The following are the unedited notes as I wrote them to be read during stream, rather than a direct translation or anything formal. I'm not good enough at Japanese to fully translate it. I'm so not good at Japanese that there's probably a lot of errors throughout this summary, too. I hope someone eventually comes along and gives us a full translation.

Also note that I'm not great at recognizing the voices of anyone that isn't the main cast of protagonists, so I probably mix up the antagonists or the generals' identities a lot.

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So I went back through the drama cd, and I think I've got a few more little details. I could be wrong about a lot of this since there's no translation and I am really fucking bad at Japanese. But this should actually clear up a lot of misconceptions that we, or I had throughout this entire game. Foolish me for just believing everything TVTropes told me instead of trying to comb the drama cd myself.

(track 1-01 Thunder + track 1-03 Lullaby) Chris tried to escape with both children, but Hugo sent the goon squad after her?? and they managed to take Leon and mortally wound Chris. She drags herself back to the mansion to see Leon again and asks him not to hate Hugo, because this certainly isn't the same kind person she married. [I previously summarized it based on this post, which does a much better job of summarizing track 1-03: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136918641610/so-after-the-horrible-sad-feels-from-the-emilio]

(track 1-02 History That Was Forgotten is just Leon saying the title of the CD)

(track 1-04 Yes, My Lady) Less than 2 years before the game starts. The girls in Leon's class aren't very good at dance lessons yet, so he complains to Marian that all the girls are stupid-- oh but not you Marian, it's only other girls that are dumb. lol I can't catch why Leon's mad at Hugo this time, but Marian sticks up for Hugo, since he's the one who pretty much discovered how useful Lens could be to further technology and make modern life easier, and has for the most part made it all affordable. She's also grateful that he hired her when she had nothing. Marian wants Leon to make friends with the girls because she's worried he'll be all alone. Leon says he's fine alone and that he'll only grow stronger, and to distract Marian, decides to teach her the dance he learned, calling her "my lady". At the end, he says he'll be fine as long as he has Marian. Hugo walks in on them and Leon quickly makes an excuse but Hugo just puts him down for hanging with the staff and tells him to get to sword practice. Leon seems excited for it. Leon whispers to Marian that they'll practice dancing again. Marian says she's looking forward to it, but when he leaves, she sadly mumbles that he's a pitiful child. (Not in a mean way)

(track 1-05 True) [Oops I didn't cover this one. It's just villainy anyway. Who listens to Proust to hear Mictlan-Hugo monologue?]

(track 1-06 Man of the Mask) I forgot about this detail and its MASSIVE importance. In the original, Leon and Hugo's relation wasn't known for a long time. In the remake, their relation is paraded around loudly. Hugo will not let anyone forget that Leon is his son, and Leon's motivation is to not be a nepo baby. But in the original, specifically in the drama CD, Hugo doesn't want their relation known. He doesn't want Leon around while he's doing business because it might reveal their relation. He reprimands him for coming home while he's doing business and tells him not to come home so often. Leon was actually excited to let him know of one of his missions' successes, on his 15th birthday no less. Chaltier tries to comfort Leon when he's basically told to gtfo, but Leon tells him he's not sad at all, and that he just wants to be acknowledged by someone as skilled as Hugo. His cadence is fairly fond as he says all this, but he's awfully insistent about it. Like thou-doth-protest-too-much insistent. Leon thinks he saw a masked man, but Chaltier says he doesn't sense anyone. They go on their way, but a filtered voice of Hugo calls Leon's name.

(track 1-07 Emilio) The following track makes it more clear that yes, he was actually very fucking upset about it. I already talked about this track since it was one of the only 2 tracks that were fully translated by someone else. Where Marian has a little private birthday party for him and he breaks down. With the added context of the previous track, the breakdown makes a bit more sense. He's just been told and brushed off again by Hugo even after so many smashing successes. Took it upon himself to put up a strong front in front of Chaltier. Then Marian does this gesture of kindness that I guess makes him feel like he's being treated like a child or mocked, and that's the last straw. Marian is of course calling him Emilio, and he refuses that name because Emilio is worthless, nobody needs Emilio, and he's all alone. He insists he's Leon Magnus, because he's at least useful as a tool for Hugo. Marian doesn't like him calling himself a tool. Says he's her precious Emilio. And Leon cries. [Previously summarized based on this post, which actually has a full translation!: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136880537875/jeredu-spoilers-for-tales-of-destiny-for]

(track 1-08 Family) Next track takes place a year later and has Leon being the wunderkind beating everybody and being taken under Finley's wing. They've all got praise for him but are a little put off by him being so uptight. Late at night, Leon sneaks into Marian's room through her window because of the lecture he got about COMING HOME TOO OFTEN jfc. He's excited to tell Marian about officially working with the knights, and asks to dance with her. I think I skipped a bit. Leon only started trying to become a knight because Hugo told him to, so that he'd have a pawn within the castle to help further Oberon's goals. I think he moved out of the mansion after the last track to dedicate himself more fully to cementing his position there?? I'm probably wrong. But he's been a lot happier this way. Later that night, Chaltier tries to suggest that Leon just continues living like this and become a full fledged and honest knight instead of working for Hugo, because all of the generals seem to like him and are nice people. Buuuut Leon's already fallen asleep. Boo

(track 1-09 Nightmare) Next track has Leon and Finley talking and they think Greybaum's sus. They meet with Greybaum and Chal also thinks he's sus. That night, Leon has a nightmare where a man is telling him he can save Rutee. Except Leon doesn't know who Rutee is yet, or her name. The man is wearing a mask like the one from the mansion. It seems to be the real Hugo. He attacks Leon when he knocks his mask off I think?? and I guess Leon wakes up and is back at the mansion temporarily? I have no idea what's going on here but Hugo's not doing great and Leon rushes to his aid but Hugo basically tells him to gtfo his house again. I think real Hugo is fighting Mictlan, because Leon says something about Berserius. Belserius. Berselius. Fuck it. Scene change and Leon's at a tavern or something. The waitress fawns a bit, showing his good reputation has spread. Leon thinks about the nightmare and what the heck a Rutee is. Then he overhears some guy talking about a demonic lens hunter dude and the waitress is like oh nah you mean that girl Rutee? and Leon all but trips over himself to go aggressively interrogate the waitress. The guy she was talking to gets mad and tries to attack Leon and a fight starts. Finley shows up and slaps Leon and reprimands him and I think threatens him?? But Leon got the information he wanted out of the waitress.

(track 2-01 Masquerade) Next track. The villains talk stealing the Eye of Atamoni. A masquerade ball is held in Seinegald. Leon's all ready to be big bad security but Finley says he should blend in and dance. But he ain't got no fancy clothes! So Finley arranges to get him some fancy clothes. He's about to arrange for a partner too but Leon's like nah I got a girl for this and yoinks Marian up. She's worried she's not allowed to attend such a party, but Leon assures her she's part of the mission so it's fine. She tries to make excuses to not go but he shoots them all down. He sounds like he's having just oodles of fun on the carriage ride with her to the ball. He's laughing and smiling and it's just great. This moment is probably literally the happiest Leon will ever be in his entire life lol He… sneaks her in through the BACK DOOR and gets stopped by guards who ask who dis. And he says, "my partner" and they say they can't let randos in and he says NO SHE'S MY PARTNER and they say :/ that's not good enough bro, come on, and Marian takes his arm all suggestive like and says "What part of partner don't you understand ;)" and they let them in??? okay But Marian hasn't received her dress yet, so Leon's waiting for her to get dressed. And Chal teases him a bunch implying Leon's nervous to see her in her fancy dress. Leon tells him to shut up but Chal notes he's blushing really hard. But, Leon suddenly sees the masked man again, and this time Chal sees him too. Leon attacks but he disappears. He hears the voice and he's big mad 'cause he thinks he's being jerked around so he shouts a lot. Marian hears him shouting and rushes to him and real-Hugo goes whoops sorry about that I guess lmao and goes away. The ball gets into full swing and allll the girls are wowed by how pretty Leon's partner is. Marian says she feels awkward and Leon tells her she's beautiful, but she still doesn't think she should have come. He asks her to dance, she tries to make excuses not to, but he keeps asking, calling her "Lady" again like when they danced alone ;A; aaaa So they dance, and Leon is just so entranced and whispers that he wants to go far far away together to a place with only them, that's quiet and warm. He says something like he lost such a promised place inside of him a long time ago, but feels that it's also right there with her, and he's about to say something that MIGHT have been a confession, but they're interrupted by an attack and are separated. SO YEAH I'D SAY HIS FEELINGS FOR HER ARE PRETTY ROMANTIC. HOLY SHIT. I felt like I was listening to one of those listener-POV CDs where they do nothing but sweet-talk you, gosh. Whether his feelings are actually romantic or not, he's still just entirely fucking smitten with her. oh my god.

(track 2-02 Venomous Snake) Next track, I have no idea what's going on because I'm not familiar enough with all the villains' voices, but it's villain stuff. I think it's Greybaum mostly, and they're messing with King Isaac, the Phandaria King. And Greybaum is evil monologuing but Leon was hiding in the room and ambushes him. Hugo shows up before Leon can do any damage and something happens or is talked about, idk, villains get away. Leon's like what the fuck, dad, they tried to kill the king. Hugo says Isaac's spent too long in office and ain't doin his job right no more. So it's fiiine just let it go, besides, Graybaum's gonna be a useful tool. And the word "tool" sets Leon off 'cause it's always about tools with Hugo, and Hugo goes YEAH, A TOOL, A TOOL JUST LIKE YOU. I'VE BUILT HIM UP AND I'M TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIM, JUST LIKE I DID TO YOUUUU. And he demands Leon apologize but Leon says no, he's done being Hugo's puppet, he's going to live for himself, he's not going to accept this shitty fate anymore, he's going to carve his own path and make a place for himself in Seinegald. And Hugo goes "Ohoho what silly thoughts Finley's put in your head. Sure, you could do all that, you could escape me no problem, you're good enough for it, but I wonder how Marian is doing~ Sure hope she's okay after getting separated from you. It's just such a scary world out there, you never know when or where such a fragile little thing like her could get got." So basically the ongoing threat on Marian's life has begun. It's not explicitly stated, but obviously the implication is that Leon could leave and take Marian with him, but Hugo will get to her one way or another. Then it's just 20 full seconds of Leon desperately calling and looking for Marian.

(track 2-03 Requiem) Next track, he finds Marian and clings to her and sobs in relief that she's okay. She says yeah it's okay I'm fine, but Leon just cries harder. Later after he's calmed down, he brings up that far away warm place he spoke about. He wonders where that could even be anymore. Probably somewhere further than the moon. He wonders if he can go there. Then it's very suddenly Finley's funeral. People are crying. The priest is praying. People are swearing vengeance. Hugo, Chaltier, and Finley's voice echo in Leon's head. Hugo coercing Leon into poisoning Finley. Chaltier asking him not to do it. Finley telling Leon they're alike in that they both lost their parents at birth. That he'd like for Leon to think of him as his father, because he thinks of Leon as his son, I think. Hugo reminding him where his place is, and that that's never going to change. Finley succumbing to the poison, in disbelief that it was Leon, and desperately asking why. Leon's sure he's never going to get to that place. Hugo and friends do some villain talk and make some snide remarks at Leon, and he just says it's fine. He's defeated at this point.

(track 2-04 Rutee) Next track has Leon on his way to Cresta to look for whoever Rutee is. Chaltier recognizes the name a little but doesn't remember. Rutee runs into him and runs away, but Chaltier recognizes Atwight on her back right away and they give chase. Rutee's giving gifts to the kids at the orphanage, is asked how she made the money for this and she's like "eehh I worked really hard :D" Chal finally remembers Rutee was the name Chris spoke of before she died and he's super excited that Leon's not all alone, that he still has his sister. But Leon just runs away. Chal's like what the fuck, where are you going, and Leon says it's been 15 years, so it doesn't matter, they're not family. Chal keeps trying to get him to go back to Rutee, insisting she must have been looking for her family for a long time, and that he should reach out to her. Leon admits that he's scared that Rutee won't accept him. Chal tells him that's stupid. Leon admits he's scared of Rutee also betraying him like Hugo did, and cries that he's truly all alone. The track ends.

(track 2-05 Flow of Fate) Next track, it's revealed Greybaum's theft of the Eye of Atamoni was actually not in the plan. He did that on his own and betrayed them. They plan for Leon to lead the investigation and gather the swordian users. Leon asks if Hugo knows who wields Atwight, and Hugo, like a fox, says mmmyessss. During Leon's first real meeting with Rutee, while she goes off on him, he's thinking to himself that he wishes he met her sooner, but he's too dirtied to face her for real by now. Chaltier insists to him that it's not too late, but Leon refuses. A bunch of scenes of Leon traveling with Stahn's group pass. Leon thinks about how Rutee has good friends and a home and family to return to, and feels even worse that he can't be happy for her. He hates himself for it, but he can't help it. Chaltier tells him he could become a part of her family. Leon says it'd be nice, since he's being shown such a warm place, but he can't escape his fate. More scenes pass, and Leon is moved by Stahn's resolve. He thinks maybe he was wrong about fate, because everyone is fighting. More scenes pass, and Leon is even moved by Batista and Greybaum, because they went against Hugo. Even if they couldn't win against their fates, they still tried. He's confused and doesn't know what to do, but Chaltier doesn't have answers for him. The only thing he knows he can do is protect Marian. The only reason he has to keep living is Marian.

It continues in the mines. Hugo and friends say they need to buy time to escape Stahn's group. He tells Leon to stall them as long as possible, and then detonate an explosive. Tells him exactly what will happen, down to the sea water flooding in. So Leon absolutely knows he's going to die if he agrees to do this. Leon asks to be alone with Marian, as his first and final request as Hugo's son. Marian observes that Leon doesn't want to go through with this. Leon says it's fine, he'll just do what he's told. He asks why Marian is here, why she's still a maid for Hugo. Marian answers it's because Hugo was trying to save the world, or whatever. She owes him a lot. So she'll do whatever she's told, too. Leon asks what'll happen if he dies. Marian says she'll probably never stop crying. Leon asks how much, for how long, because it's not possible to cry for him for her whole life. Says she'll probably cry for a bit, but eventually she'll meet someone he doesn't know, fall in love, get married, and have children, and she'll forget all about him, and then he'll truly be gone and not exist anymore. He'll disappear. Leon cries, really hard. He pulls himself together, apologizes, says she should go. She goes, but she calls after him that it was fun. That being with him was like a dream. He says quietly to himself that, yeah, it was like a dream to him, too. (The wording is different from the opening song! Important to note because the remake did a full on title drop in its climax. The opening song is 「夢であるように」, but the wording here is 「夢みたい」. But it's still probably a 100% intentional reference to the opening song.) [I cut off here because I previously summarized these two posts about the end of this track, which is an exchange with Chaltier: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/136997902840/i-dunno-if-its-possible-to-fall-in-love-with-a https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/137057162215/checked-with-a-friend-who-knows-more-japanese-and]

[I yada-yada'd track 2-06 Father, Friend because I already summarized it previously based on this post: https://jeredu.tumblr.com/post/143045097730/i-finally-typed-up-a-summary-of-father-friend]

(track 2-07 -Epilogue- Yes, My Lady) In the final track, Rutee is visiting Marian. She asks Marian to live with her. Marian declines, saying she has to keep Emilio's room clean for him for when he comes back. Rutee says he's already gone, but Marian interrupts and asks Rutee to dance. She teaches her how to dance. She calls Rutee "My lady" like Leon did with her.

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May I just say, if Leon retained his character from the drama CD in the remake, he absolutely would have broken down crying after Stahn convinced him they could work together to save Marian. And maybe hugged him or held his outstretched hand with both of his. While crying. Drama CD Leon is a huge crybaby and I'm so here for him. I was disappointed he didn't get to cry through the remake.

And also that hot damn, Hikaru Midorikawa was allowed to emote SO MUCH MORE in the drama CD than in the entirety of the remake, not even counting all the crying he does.

[sixth-light]

WoT 2x08 thoughts

WoT s2 really, I haven't got to blog the season like I would have wanted because (checks notes) everybody in this household has been sick for a month and counting (do not recommend). No order here, just things as I think of them, full series book spoilers possible:

They really did stick the landing on this season for me, as well as line everything up so neatly for next season. I think S2 is really going to reward a rewatch.

Particularly re:Lanfear. I literally choked when she walked up to Bayle Domon and started talking about the pieces of cuendillar she'd sold him. I know the Dark Prophecy is probably still legit because we flashed back to Ishamael reciting it as he released her BUT ALSO I am now imagining her lying on her bed surrounded by screwed-up drafts as she tries to make it sufficiently ominous.

The Forsaken shenanigans this season have just smashed it out of the park and we only had two of them. I presume we're going to highlight one or two a season for practical purposes (and ofc TSR/TFoH are the Moghedien-Nynaeve books) so I reckon next season we mostly get Moghedien and...I guess Asmodean if we're doing that plotline at all?

Man I so liked my "evil Seanchan/less evil Seanchan" theory but the way they ruthlessly killed off every named Seanchan character this episode (yes we didn't see Suroth and Alwhin's bodies, but that seemed pretty fatal, they explicitly did NOT show any ships getting away) says to me that they want to put that plotline on ice until the Corenne and Tuon arrive. It could still work but we'd have to introduce more Seanchan nobles to make it happen...or...they could make the whole Extremely Dysfunctional Imperial Family dynamic real by having one or more of Tuon's siblings tag along. That was a very tell-not-show element of the books and then rendered irrelevant by Semirhage murdering all of them at once.

Extremely out-there theory: the way they're focusing on Moghedien being 'insane' and having Lanfear refer to the rest of the Forsaken as 'the boys' and being visibly wary of Moggy...what if they merge Moghedien and Semirhage? After all, Moggy goes after the Sad Bracelets first even if Semirhage is the one who uses them...

THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP as that gifset going around demonstrates, this really was the theme of the season. I continue to love how much these kids love each other (and the lingering fear the show has planted that it won't matter, because look where Lews Therin and Ishamael and Lanfear ended up...). Totally bought that they would all just roll with running into each other like that when there was a clear and present threat.

Rand is still so much in his 'just trying to protect my friends' era, poor kiddo, we're going to see that get more and more worn away as the Pattern forces him into bigger and bigger confrontations.

MAT, goddamn, his story took a bit of time to get moving but looking back all the pieces are there. Everything about the knife-on-a-stick sequences was just. fjlkfsdjklfsadjlkfsd. Amazing foreshadowing AND a funny and effective piece of storytelling in the moment. Particularly enjoyed the use of the dagger to open the box with the Horn.

Re: Min's vision: I'm thinking that at some point next season someone will report back to her what actually happened and we're going to see an arc with her learning about her own power and realising that her visions can be partial or metaphorical.

Man I hope Egwene gets lots of nice things next season because this one has been (not unexpectedly) brutal. Completely on board with her killing Renna. I wonder if they're getting rid of the 'sparker/learner' distinction in the show, given what she said to Renna about sul'dam just being very weak in the Power. I also wonder what 'very weak' actually means coming from Egwene, who canonically in the show can hold up against a Forsaken for some length of time (another change I am fine with).

Fascinating to think about Perrin in 2x08, straight-up killing Geofram Bornhald for killing Hopper, vs Perrin in 1x08 deliberately choosing pacifism. I don't actually mind that they gave him some unquestionable culpability here; in the books it was always SO obvious he wasn't in the wrong that it felt silly.

Relatedly, I think what's going on with Nynaeve (to the extent that anything is, she certainly didn't suffer for screentime this season) is that like Perrin her PERSONAL plot actually stalls out around book 8-9 - they're slowburning her block storyline for the same reasons they're slowburning his Wolfbrother one, I reckon. I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't heal stilling until much later in the show than the equivalent of book 6.

I didn't even notice that we left all the White Tower-related plotlines behind entirely this episode until I got to writing this post. FASCINATED to see where we pick up with Verin, Alanna, Siuan, et al next season...not to mention Liandrin

I haven't even talked about Aviendha! She hasn't had a lot to do beyond be introduced/introduce the concept of the Maidens and the Car'a'carn but it was solid set-up for next season and in line with how much she actually had to do in TDR.

My one big lingering question for this season is whether Ingtar isn't a Darkfriend on the show or whether he IS and they decided that his verbal confession wouldn't happen/work in the show and left it as a subtextual easter egg for book readers. I think both positions are arguable from the text, I'm curious what the intent was.

[drunktuesdays]

Lea. Hi and hello. I just re-read Auld Lang Syne because I am sad but also LOVE to be sadder. And I have a question for you and AnnaKovsky if you ever discussed it-or just if you think it would ever happen. Do you think that one day (even 10 years in the future) realworld!Dustin gets so happy and comfortable with realworld!Jim that he tells him about the glimpse? Even if he thinks that he wouldn't believe him? Or does he never tell him ever?

Lea Drunktuesdays i…feel very unsure weirdly!!!!!!!!! i thiiiiink dustin never really tells him? my instinct is like—dustin considers the glimpse a very private crazy universe reaching out moment that—maybe not saved his life but granted him a chance for a life he’d thrown away. and i think he’d have like…a hard time articulating that to jim, and the combination of him AND jim not really loving to talk about their feelings makes him feel pretty disinclined to explain that. BUT i think he probably says things sometimes, like when he’s in jim and feeling pretty sappy, sometimes he pets jim’s hair off his face, and kisses his panting mouth and is like “i am the luckiest dumbfuck—i wouldn’t have any of this if—” and jim says “dustin move” and dustin kisses him again and does…. do you agree…………

annakovsky oh man………… i DO think that's right. I was like, well maybe ten years in the future he would, but then I thought about him like, sitting Jim down and being very serious and saying, like, "So, this is hard to believe, but……." and it really is almost impossible to envision. Especially because I feel like the longer he went withOUT telling Jim, the more private and personal the glimpse starts feeling? And the more and more impossible to talk about because it's taking on too much significance as he actually builds a life with Jim that he shouldn't have and wouldn't have without that spurring him into insane action. But he DEFINITELY would allude to it during sex like that when he's half out of his head!!!!!!!!! and maybe when emotional things happen like when their first kid is born and he's all teary and weird - which also, THAT must be really weird because probably their first kid is a BOY and not Violet at all, and when they do have a girl it's with dustin's sperm so she's all dark haired and different. But Dustin all teary holding their first kid and being like, "I knew we'd do this. I saw it -" but Jim kisses him before he gets it all out, or he chokes up too bad, and afterwards he's kind of glad he didn't because he doesn't want the glimpse getting skeptically picked apart…………

Lea Drunktuesdays YES YES YES YES. that’s completely right. i think in the beginning he’s just very focused on squirming his way back into jim’s life, and with jim’s general defensiveness and self-protection, i think dustin would understand that if he was like “jim, you HAVE to let me date you, because a magical freeque showed me a life where we were married”, jim would run. and then it’s completely right that the longer he doesn’t say anything, the more impossible it seems to explain it. and i feel very tender about dustin being like “i literally wouldn’t be able to take it if jim laughed at me about it. which he’d be right to—a crazy little guy sent me to the suburbs for a week sounds insane!!! and yet……….” it’s like the more in the past it gets, the more…sacred and treasured it becomes? in some way?? i forget what we named the boychild….i feel like we did think of something, but it’s right that it’s like, he loves his son so much he forgets to breathe sometimes. he wouldn’t trade him for violet. but he also can’t bring himself to ever disrespect the memory of violet, his little glimpsebaby who maybe never was, but taught him he could be a dad!!! he can’t bring himself to explain it when he’s feeling normal, and cannot ARTICULATE it when he’s feeling emotional!!!!!!!! god, but imagine like, every christmas dustin buys a bag of cheezits and leaves it out somewhere prominent. and jim, amused, is like “does santa eat cheezits now?” and dustin says “you think the man doesn’t like variety in his snax?” and tackles jim into the couch and kisses him until jim’s all distracted. but also sometimes when the whole house is asleep and dustin’s not, he touches the bag of cheezits and says painfully but genuinely, “thank you…..” to the air…………………

annaclausky UGH YES EXACTLY. He KNOWS that Jim would be like, "lol what are you talking about, you had a GLIMPSE that we were married? what are you even TALKING about. Did you get checked for concussion? that's so dumb," but it's NOT dumb, it's the most important and tender thing that's ever happened to him and he CAN'T drag it out into the open air to get made fun of. oh god did we name the boychild? I don't even remember but I feel so emosh about Dustin with his little babies - he thought he liked Violet a lot but it's NOTHING compared to how he feels about his real babies but still… she was a good baby and he hopes she's doing okay out there in the multiverse. Him mentally checking in once in awhile like, Violet would probably be graduating 5th grade this spring, that's crazy. And omg his Santa bag of cheezits! :sob: :sob: :sob: He sometimes wonders if he would ever get sent into another glimpse, half worried about it and half kind of intrigued, but he never does, and he figures that must be because he's finally where he's supposed to be…………

Lea Drunktuesdays sob!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i cry!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think he must have convinced himself that multiverse dustin popped back in as if nothing happened, and so violet and jim continued with their happy multiverse lives!!!!!!!!! but it’s right that he thinks about her—turning 16, 18, 21!! he wishes he could call her sometimes!!!!!!!!!!!! sob….he never needs the glimpse again because he NEVER lets himself live the wrong life ever again……….

[yesiknowlahee]

I have A LOT of thoughts on Dawntrail. Do not open this if you haven't finished it.

Seriously if you go below the cut and haven't finished, it's your fault. I tagged it. I warned you up top. Warned. Extra warned. W A R N E D for spoilers.

Okay so let's begin.

My RUNNING MAJOR, ABSOLUTELY BIGGEST GRIPE is that the game plays Show and Tell. And I would like to *do*

The biggest one is that- so this expansion we are a side character. Very rarely do the events circle around us, we are pretty consistently supporting someone else. And that is FINE. I am more than okay with that. BUT it means that we do miss out on seeing and experiencing certain things.

An example is catching the Llama at level 90. A quest Wuk Lamat goes on off screen. I would've loved to have gone either with her, or played as her, and had the opportunity to try it for myself. I think that would've given us an opportunity to appreciate her journey as a character more, and been more engaging than the cutscene we got. And realistically, we could've had both.

Another point at which I would've LOVED to have seen or interacted with, was finding out a trade agreement had been made with Radz at Han, and the dragons coming in, and generally, the defense of Tuliyollal during the second invasion. Literally getting to interact with any of that. I would've been fine if that had been a VERY long duty or two consecutive duties, just to experience that aspect a little more.

Inb4 "but development time, they can only do so much" I am not willing to give concessions to this big a company with some of the most popular games in the world. They have had concession and patience from me for four years. Now, I am going to have critiques.

Another point at which I would've liked to DO rather than being shown- the train scene when we're shooting at things. COME ON. GIVE ME A LITTLE POINT AND SHOOT MINI GAME. Cutscenes are cool, but I want to play with what you're showing me and feel immersed.

Finally, as someone who is an omnicrafter at 90, that is acknowledged all of ONCE. I realize not everyone is, but a lot of us are. It would be INCREDIBLY cool if they gave us a temporarily optional quest in which we got to help repair the ini'hana float, like a custom delivery. Or something that they found to be within reason. Just, a little more to let me interact with the classes I have at hand. It would be a really great opportunity to immerse me as a player. Same goes for when we're cooking. I'm glad I got to help but maybe a little mini game would be nice.

Overall I unfortunately feel our questing is a bit of a stale slog.

If you've read this far, you're probably thinking,

"Okay you're bitching, so what did you like???"

The cultures. I thought it was absolutely beautiful and wonderful, the first half of the expansion- I had an amazing time. I LOVED the journey we went on with Wuk Lamat. I liked trading with the Pelu Pelu. I loved ini'hana. I got to develop a love for the people with Wuk Lamat, and I really appreciated that. Tural was wonderful. I had a lot of fun in the first Dungeon. I didn't hate the others, but because I loved the beauty of the Turali aesthetics so much, I felt disappointed the further we got into Alexandrian sci-fi vibes, and when we went to Shaaloani. The game even acknowledged we'd seen this before. It wasn't really fresh. And while it laid important groundwork, I feel it could've been more interesting.

Meeting versions of people from across reflections feels a little lazy to me.

Other things I take issue with, the game is *too* formulaic at this point. The expansions follow the same formula. The dungeons. They bring the same characters from different worlds back from across expansions. Come on. Deviate. Please.

This is our THIRD FINAL BOSS IN A ROW where the final dungeon is their memories. And we go through a world of their lost people for the final zone. Come on. C O M E ON. It was cool for Emet. I tolerated it for Sad Bird. I cannot do another glowing white girl that numerous problems coalesce around. (No I am not implying that Emet is ShBs Token glowing white girl, that is Ryne. Who is just *Minfilia again* )

And in us getting that key and them setting us up for interdimensional fusion, I fear that we may be on the precipice for more laziness. And that is really disappointing to me.

So, let's end this on a few positives. Because I didn't hate dawntrail. But there were a lot of decisions made that I am concerned by or disappointed by.

Gulool Ja, I am his guardian. Wuk Lamat said we're family. Imma be his aunty and we're going places. Love that kid. Enjoyed the motif and discussion of family that stayed at the center of this Latin America centered expansion. That was beautiful and I enjoyed it.

Bakool Jaja. ;)

SEEING THE ADOPTIVE PARENTS AND THE BIRTH PARENTS AND THE CLOSURE THE CHARACTERS GOT AND HOW THEY PROCEEDED WITH THE KNOWLEDGE. OH MY GOD I LOVED THAT. THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL. I CRIED SO MUCH IN LIVING MEMORY. SO. SO. MUCH.

Koana's growth brought me A LOT of joy.

Sena Bryers performance was delightful.

A lot of the character designs were wonderful.

I'm looking forward to further interacting with the world they've built.

They almost made me like Solution Nine. I'm sorry but we cannot keep ending the expansion in Scifi fuck nowhere guys.

Also if you come in to these comments and rts and try to defend ANYTHING with "Well in another final fantasy--" no. Make it stand on its own. A GAME SHOULD STAND ON ITS OWN. ESPECIALLY A MULTI EXPANSION MMO. PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO ENJOY JUST THE EXPENSIVE ASS MMO. References? YES. GO FOR IT. but no defending bad writing by saying it is a nod to another game. I don't care what you're nodding to. I care that your nod can't stand by itself.

H o p e f u l l y I'll be able to come back to this years from now and be able to appreciate it as a foundation for other expansions, like I do appreciate Shaaloani more *after credits rolled* than I did when I was doing it.

Side note I'm pretty sure my fiancé's colleagues heard me SOBBING over Erenville and Cachiua's goodbye in their meeting this morning. Whoops.

You see how long this post is? I wrote it while the credits rolled. They're STILL rolling.

TL;DR I want to interact with more of the stuff in the immersive world they're creating and I would like them not to do the same thing *over and over* as far as flow and the nature of the final bosses and zones go.

[munchmemes]

taylor swift lyrics, 1989 from the vault edition

❛  what if all i need is you?  ❜ ❛ got love-struck, it went straight to my head. ❜ ❛ i'm lovelorn and nobody knows. ❜ ❛ i'll pay the price, you won't. ❜ ❛ but if i'm all dressed up, they might as well be looking at us. and if they call me a slut, you know it might be worth it for once. ❜ ❛ if i'm gonna be drunk i might as well be drunk in love. ❜ ❛ that was my crime, the wrong place at the right time. ❜ ❛ in a world of boys, he's a gentleman. ❜ ❛ you're not saying you're in love with me but you're going to. ❜ ❛ it's a big mistake. it might blow up in your pretty face. ❜ ❛ i'm not saying 'do it anyway' but you're going to. ❜ ❛ the waiting is a sadness fading into madness. ❜ ❛ i'm holding out hope for you to say 'don't go'. ❜ ❛ why'd you have to lead me on? ❜ ❛ why'd you have to twist the knife? walk away and leave me bleeding. ❜ ❛ your silence has me screaming. ❜ ❛ it's not fair 'cause you kiss me and it stops time. ❜ ❛ i'm yours but you're not mine. ❜ ❛ i'm about to fold unless you say 'don't go'. ❜ ❛ why'd you have to make me want you? ❜ ❛ why'd you have to give me nothing back? ❜ ❛ why'd you have to make me love you? ❜ ❛ i said, 'i love you', you said nothing back. ❜ ❛ i guess i'll never know, now that we don't talk. ❜ ❛ i miss the old ways, you didn't have to change. ❜ ❛ i remind myself, the more i gave, you'd want me less. ❜ ❛ i cannot be your friend so i pay the price of what i lost. ❜ ❛ truth is, i can't pretend it's platonic. ❜ ❛ now that we don't talk, i don't have to pretend i like acid rock or that i'd like to be on a mega-yacht. ❜ ❛ guess maybe i am better off now that we don't talk. ❜ ❛ you had people who called you on unmarked numbers. i let it slide like a hose on a slippery plastic summer, all was quickly forgiven. ❜ ❛ you were so magnetic, it was almost obnoxious. ❜ ❛ i didn't come here to make friends. ❜ ❛ when you hold me, it holds me together. ❜ ❛ when you told me we'd get back together and you kissed me in a way that's gonna screw me up forever. ❜ ❛ i broke my own heart 'cause you were too polite to do it. ❜ ❛ you dream of my mouth before it called you a lying traitor. ❜ ❛ you search in every girl's/guy's bed for something greater. ❜ ❛ was it over when she laid down on your couch? is it over now? ❜ ❛ was it over when he unbuttoned my blouse? is it over now? ❜ ❛ your new girl/guy/fling is my clone. ❜ ❛ did you think i didn't see you? there were flashing lights. ❜ ❛ at least i had the decency to keep my nights out of sight. ❜ ❛ i think about jumping off of very tall somethings just to see you come running. ❜ ❛ if they've got blue eyes, i will surmise that you'll probably date them. ❜ ❛ i was hoping you'd be there and say the one thing i've been wanting but no. ❜

[msviolacea]

So! I finished the game!

Spoiler-free tl;dr - I give it a solid 8/10. I have a few quibbles with choices here and there, but overall it's a super fun game that does a nice job of wrapping up a lot of lore that's been tossed at us for 15 years into a satisfying conclusion. The characters are engaging, the gameplay is fun, and the pacing works well. They were never going to be able to give everyone everything they wanted, but they succeeded in giving me a satisfying game, anyway, so I'm very happy.

Some spoilers under the cut! Not a full in-depth review, just some initial thoughts after finishing.

Some of the good, in no particular order:

Solas was the arrogant, maddening trickster god he needed to be. My Rook wanted to punch him square in the face for most of the game, which is exactly how it should be.

The companions! I want to hold everyone against my chest and never let them go! They're all wonderful! I want to kiss every one of them!

... if I can manage to not romance Lucanis every time. Because I love my disaster abomination fantasy Italian mob assassin husband. A lot.

The story themes resonate this week, of all weeks - the idea of powerful people wrecking the world, and the fantasy that a sufficiently motivated group of queer weirdos can be the ones to stop them.

Teia and Viago. I love them still. I seriously just stood there and listened to them poke at each other for long stretches of time.

I did figure out that they were Sixth-Sense-ing Varric pretty early on. But it was very well done, how they structured his involvement and the reveal.

I am honestly pretty impressed with how they tied the Evanuris with the "old gods" with the Titans. There's some stuff they left by the wayside from earlier games, but that was always going to happen. When it comes to the things I personally care about in the lore, they didn't drop anything I am particularly sad to see go.

Isabela! I didn't expect her to have as big a role in the game as she did, and it was wonderful! She's living her best life, running a gang of fortune hunters and also a fighting ring. She deserves it.

The Necropolis and Treviso were easily the highlights of the zone design. With honorable mention to the Rivain coast, where I would like to vacation please.

I am not the expert on this particular item, for obvious reasons, but I think Taash's gender identity story was well done. It was the character story that made me the most genuinely emotional overall, in a good way. (Mostly. See below.)

I have had Evka and Antoine for ... a little over a week (plus their story in Tevinter Nights, which didn't really resonate with me until I met them in game), and if anything happened to them, et cetera et cetera. They are a DELIGHT and I love them so much.

I loved that Davrin's whole personal quest was an in-game retelling of The Last Flight. Very nicely done.

There's more in my head, but that'll be for later after I've sorted my more in depth feelings. But for now, a few of the not-as good things:

The biggest gripe I have with the story: there was literally zero reason to fridge Taash's mom. It did nothing for the overall theme of their character story, and honestly it would have been a more interesting ending to have them coming to a complex but satisfying understanding with their mom about their identity as both non-binary and Rivaini. It was the one and only moment that made me sit there and make a face at the screen. An opportunity seriously missed.

I'm still mulling over my feelings about Solas's ultimate motivation. I think they left a lot between the lines, and I haven't yet decided if that worked for me or not. There are a lot of things to say about the reveal of the Evanuris as spirits originally, and how much they may or may not still have the single-minded focus as the simpler spirits, and I think that plays into it, but ... I'm just not quite sure yet.

As a dwarf enjoyer, I really wish we'd gotten more about Kal Sharok. Come on, don't just give us the "oh yeah, we became like the darkspawn" casually and then leave it there!

That's what I've got tonight. It's late and my brain is still buzzing a mile a minute. Don't be surprised if you see this reblogged with more thoughts tomorrow!

[cljordan-imperium]

Arthur & Kate (Art & Kay)

Peakys Write A Letter

SUMMARY: While at war, Arthur receives a letter from his wife Kate. He had been home weeks before for a visit and she has not heard from him since, but she has some news to tell him, along with that she misses him dearly. Her letter gives him the fire he needs, and his letter indicates such in return. A/N = I received the amazing letter from @runnning-outof-time from her OC Katherine Shelby (Kate). My apologies for the great delay in responding but I was having trouble channeling Arthur...then one of my OC's took control and said that he identified with Arthur...so I hope that he is right and this is an adequate response. (I'm nervous y'all) I hope I did your wonderful letter justice!

TW = BLOOD/WAR/DEATH

(@runnning-outof-time)

Dearest Arthur,

I hope all is well with you. I hate that I have not heard from you in such a long while, but I understand that these sorts of things will happen when you're out on the front.

Being able to see you last month was like a dream come true. The girls are still reeling from it, and Lottie insists that you need to come home every other week now. I tried to tell her that it doesn't work like that, but she doesn't listen. She won't let me read another bedtime story because 'I don't do it like daddy does'.

Elsie wanted me to tell you that she lost a tooth, her very first tooth, and that she didn't even cry when it fell out. Of course, we couldn't find said tooth because it fell out when she was playing in the garden with Mr. Whiskers. By the way, we have a cat now...Mr. Whiskers kept showing up at our doorstep, so the girls convinced me to take him in. He's a very sweet addition to our household, one that I hope you will take to warmly when you return.

The girls are growing so much each day, so much so that I'm afraid you may not recognize them when you return. And they ask for you at the hardest times; at the times where I also am missing you. They wonder why you can't come back like you did, and why they can't talk to you. I tried to explain it, but I'm afraid that it goes over their heads. Children shouldn't have to understand war. They shouldn't have to worry if their family members will come back or not. It's been so hard to try to keep things positive around them, but with how bleak things have been looking, I'm afraid that my positivity may not last for much longer. Oh Arthur, you don’t know how hard it is for me to keep up the front that all is fine in front of them while I worry for your safety every second of every day.

Anyway, I won't fill the majority of this letter with my sad thoughts. Let me share some good news instead. Polly has managed to take total control of the shop, and she's running things in a way that has allowed us to continue making profits even though many men are out on the frontlines. She actually wanted me to ask you: how would you feel if she and I continued with our idea of hosting a special for women on certain race days? I know Tommy has his ideas of how the family business should be run, but you're the oldest and therefore have the power to make this decision. I feel as though this would continue to help Small Heath as a whole.

The nights are much quieter now with you and the boys being gone. Although at times quieter is better, I do miss the nights where we'd all stay up and share stories, and the nights we'd go out and camp under the stars. Oh, how much simpler those times were compared to the life we're living now.

I don't have much room left on the page, so I'll wrap this up with a few more, quick things. First, Elsie and Lottie have asked me to enclose some of their 'most favorite' drawings in this letter for you. It excites me to think that they're taking after you with their artistic talents. Second, I'm thinking of changing my hairstyle up...you may not even recognize me when you come home again. Lastly, along with Mr. Whiskers (who will not be leaving no matter what), how would you feel about us raising chickens?

I hope to hear from you soon, Art. Please be safe.

Sending all of my love until I can see you again,

Yours Always,

Kate Shelby

**************************************************

(me)

My Dearest and Darling Kay,

How the pictures from the children did make me long to feel the warmth of your arms and to hear the sound of their laughter as they played in the yard.  Such comforts are far from where they boys and I are though.  While we are presently safe, the nights are cold and the sounds are never as melodious as your voice or the rhymes the children make to entertain themselves.  

Do not fret, for this shall end and the life we once knew will return.  I can feel it in my bones as surely as I know that Tommy will always find trouble no matter where he shall be and Polly will be the strongest person any of us know.  As I said Tommy makes trouble and Polly is strong, but she is also smart.  If she is making a profit, I see no reason to change things when we return.  My darling, I am proud of you, so proud my heart swells that you two have done so well. I cannot wait to stand beside you and back you. I hope you can feel my love surround you as you work.  Tell Polly that I’ll deal with Tommy if he has something to say, and we all know the bastard will.

Of course Elsie could find her tooth.  The Tooth Fairie already captured it and brought it over to me here on the frontlines.  She wanted me to have something so special since I can’t be there to see it.  And she wanted me to send this coin for it, it was too heavy for her to carry all the way back over here from France.  You see, during war, sometimes the Tooth Fairie has to make special trips and have couriers.  But she can’t tell anyone, it’s a secret. The Tooth Faerie is a spy for the British to bring me home sooner.

I am sorry I have not written sooner, since my visit my heart has ached so.  I have seen the you and the girls when my eyes have closed, your voices seeming to call to me in my dreams, but I awake afresh in this hell around me.  The mud and blood causing my thoughts to be dark and I did not want to burden your bright and beautiful soul with the thoughts of this tortured man that loves you more than my own life.  I would start to put thoughts to paper and I could not put upon you the darkness I have felt, I could not dim you in that way, my bright and shining Northern Star that guides me through this dark time as we fight. I will come home to you, we can raise cats and chickens, goat and cows if you want.  I do not care how you do your hair, if you even do it at all.  As long as that smile that you had when I was last home, that one that graced your angelic face when I surprised you, that one of utter adoration; if that one is upon your lips, then I do not care if the rest of the Earth falls to ruin, Kay, as long as there is you.  

So you tell those girls that John, Tommy, and I will be home soon.  You get with Penny and you make sure you are all ready.  Because we will win this war, Kay, we will.  We have to.  We’ve lost too many to give up and come home like dogs with our tails between our legs.  I have to believe this to keep the darkness that haunts my heart at bay.  We will come home and when we do we will have a party like Small Heath has never seen, we can stay up till dawn and not give a fuck who cares.  I will come home to you Kay, if I have to kill the devil himself to do it.

So, you do up that hair how you want.  You buy a nice dress.  And you know I am coming.

Art

@runnning-outof-time @call-sign-shark @shelbydelrey @look-at-the-soul @raincoffeeandfandoms @there-goes-thefighter @dandelionprints @zablife

[boyswanna-be-her]

I spent the last five days & nights w BFR, and before that we'd spent TWENTY of the previous 25 days together, usually only pausing to sleep separately. And although we'd been joking about it, I didn't actually realize what a mindfuck for me specifically it would be to spend several years alone and then most of a month with someone and then need to abruptly be apart for two weeks.

Emotionally on a day to day level that's just so not an issue. I spent years and years of my past relationships craving freedom and alone time and the ability to do whatever i want whenever i want it without waiting on someone else or having to take their opinions into account. I was definitely sweating being lonely and probably I still will eventually feel lonely on this trip--but getting on the highway today to head to Denver ended up feeling good and familiar and right.

But this morning was not that way. PTSD is fickle and I'm still learning my triggers. Being around someone I really care about is dredging up a lot of things that didn't get metabolized in my last relationship. And this morning, I woke up at 1 am on my couch with BFR in a full-on panic. Something about the fact that we'd fallen asleep in front of a movie instead of bed was the first thing that set me off (idk man, idk). I woke them up, they said they would come to bed, I went to bed in my panic and put on sleep noises and exhaustion managed to override the panic and I cried myself to sleep assuming I'd wake up w BFR.

I woke up again at 4:00. They hadn't come to bed from the couch. Legitimately I recognized that this meant nothing but that didn't matter. My mind has gone FULL police sirens now. I go back to the couch. They fully wake up and apologize for falling back to sleep and make room for me and I try to get comfortable w them on the couch but NOPE somehow this process makes my mind actually tip from being skittish to having a full-blown anxiety attack. I realized after a minute of sitting with the feeling of overwhelming panic and terror (which it took me TWO more hours to identify as a panic attack btw wrow) that none of the feelings were coming from the sleeping situation, but I failed to figure out WHERE they were coming from. So Iay there on the couch trying not to sob, so so so fucking confused about what was happening beneath the surface of my consciousness.

I just couldn't parse it. Like, BFR is great and our time is great but I don't know them well enough to be in love with them or even to miss them THAT much. Like christ, not sobbing over it! Not heart beating like I'm running type of upset.

Finally after I'd done every errand and packing task I could think of, I was still sobbing off and on so went to my Mom's place for a xanax (she was sleeping but luckily my dad knew where she keeps them). Then i came home abd I woke BFR up and basically said "i think I'm having a panic attack and I could use some company, like, fucking yesterday about it, and at least until the xanax i just took kicks in." And they got up and got their act together and immediately started uhhh taking care of me in a healthy way. Just sat with me and listened, said everything was going to be ok. And I talked at them and cried and cried and finally worked out that it had been a panic attack since I woke up at 1:00, I just had been deflected thinking it was bc I was sad to leave BFR.

In reality, there was this deep and abrupt CERTAINTY that I woke up with that my life had somehow fundamentally changed overnight and there was nothing I could do about it. It's almost 24 hours later and I'm still all shaken up to even approach understanding that headspace, but there it is. Between the fast onset of Jonathan's mental illness, his unexpected suicide, and the really awful way D ended their relationship with me a few weeks after Jonathan died, I have a very deep-seated belief that everything in my life can and will change without warning, for the extreme worse, ESPECIALLY when I feel safe, secure, loved, and excited about my future.

I just woke up and "knew" that it was all changing. I felt deeply that one or several devastating events were going to take place once I left town. Top on my list, when I drill into it, is that one of my parents or friends will get a devastating injury and/or die before I can say goodbye (lmao no idea where that comes from 🙄). It also felt/feels (when I let myself feel it and put it into words) 85% likely that BFR will change their mind about me while I'm gone and pretend like all of this never happened. Which honestly when I look at it with my logic brain is even less likely to happen than someone dying.

So I really got in there and sat with those feelings. It only helped a little bit to say it all out loud to BFR. It only helped a little bit to get their reassurance. That's how it is with this shit: it's not logical or evidence-based, so you can't logic your way out of it.

Eventually the Xanax got me, and I fell asleep in bed with BFR being the best and watching me and stroking me and waiting for me to either wake up on my own or need to be woken so I didn't miss my day of travel.

I slept HARD for two hours. When I woke up they were there waiting for me, sitting in bed. They had quietly continued cleaning my apartment, as well as gathering up all the snacks they had to send with me on the road trip today.

I felt so much less insane after the third attempt at sleep. Without talking through it AND a healthy dose of a sedative, I don't know that I would've been able to get on the road. I cannot think of a time other than during the sheer ego death of Effexor withdrawal in December when I was that completely panicked and inconsolable and SCARED.

I was two hours behind but after all that i was ready to go. I got the dogs loaded up and ran into a friend who said BFR was "a cutie" and we "would be a perfect couple" (i'll tell her later we already are 💕). I finally dropped them off on their side of town and hit the road for my first leg to Tennessee.

It is definitely taking lots of bandwidth for BFR to be there for me in the way that they are currently showing up. I know more about their history now and it makes me even more appreciative of the monumental effort it has taken to let someone new into their life. They had therapy this afternoon (let's goooo weekly therapy havers!!) and I could absolutely tell by the VERY serious tenor of their texts this evening that they'd been talking about us in therapy which is 1. Something a partner has NEVER done before, I'm always begging my partners to get therapy and they dont and 2. Incredibly fucking encouraging/affirming that they are indeed putting thought into me and I'm not stupid to be doing all the communication groundwork to build something nice. Shit is so pleasantly NOT one-sided. Like my last therapy sesh was me asking how I can avoid becoming codependent and wrecking my own life for someone, and their sesh had an apparent focus on communication with me and how to be vulnerable with me. The fuck? How healthy? Go off, I guess. We had a really thoughtful and helpful communication session (I had to pull over while driving but I did so happily bc it's really worth it), which in retrospect was not an easy conversation for either of us. We both were acknowledging some difficult truths about ourselves and setting expectations for what that means about a relationship. It's honestly quite doable things to overcome, and EARLY to be digging in, but it's also really fucking helpful to be in the loop with what they're thinking/fighting and I'd imagine vice versa.

But they sent me thoughtful texts all day (more than I sent them), did their yoga class, therapy, called me once I was settled in the hotel, listened to my stories about the day, asked if I wanted to stay on the phone and watch a movie together. I went to the hotel gym instead. Solo travel is going to be tough on my sobriety, and getting physically worn out has been helping a lot. Doesn't matter much what I do--just gotta tire out the software by running the hardware or something like that.

So. It was an awfully hard day. BFR took it in stride but I did not. I tripped up and kind of rolled down a fucking jagged hill. But all I can do is show up and try again and not sweat it too much that PTSD is going to be a part of my life until it's not. There's a lot that makes it worth it right now.

I think I have a lot of potential to create something special and rare with this person who has found me. Usually when someone cares about me this much and fawns over me and wants to help me in areas where I really need it, I find it a huge turn off. That's always made me feel misanthropic, but idk. Maybe there was always some thin-slicing going on and I felt that there would be a catch. But with BFR there's something I recognize there. The care they give me isnt a donation, or an investment, or a down payment. They genuinely like to see me succeed, like to see my pain eased or erased, even when there's nothing they can gain from me. They're happy to make me happy in a way that I actually don't think I've ever encountered from someone who was interested in me. Like I hate to just relegate them to the cliche of service top but they are indeed panning out to be someone who gets off in every way by overachieving in helping or pleasing me--and they're talented at making that service-y aspect somethinf that I'm the boss of, instead of making me feel like I'm a pet project or something to be changed.

That's my ramble. Needed to vomit it all out somewhere. I'm retroactively editing so my apologies for the everything. Pictures to come.

[rharyx]

Okay, so I just gotta say, every time I hear RTD speak, I get hit with psychic damage. Dude talks like he wants to be this hero of marginalized communities, but he doesn't seem to understand any of the issues he's trying to champion?

"We didn't want to make fun of drag culture, so David didn't wear Jodie's outfit upon regenerating."

"We realized that Davros being disabled was offensive to people who use wheelchairs, so we took away his Dalek components."

"We want to make sure people know we're progressive, so we're going to have Donna and Rose mock the Doctor for being male."

"It was important to address the Toymaker was racist in the 60s, so we gave him a German accent and had him make a rude comment to someone."

"If we didn't address this stuff, we'd look ignorant, and I'm very aware of that. I'm an ally!"

He just misses the point of all of these topics and ends up making himself look worse in the process? And it makes me genuinely wonder if RTD actually asked any person who he thinks this stuff affects before deciding on these things.

Cuz it's like he doesn't actually care about the issues he's tackling, he just wants people to see how CLEVER~ and INCLUSIVE~ he is.

Which is how you get moments with him explaining the "Rose getting deadnamed" scene. The deadnaming was requested by the actor herself, so I have no issue with that...but RTD just takes it as an opportunity to explain that her deadname is *super important* because the name means "healer" and healer = doctor, so SEE HOW CLEVER I AM, HER DEADNAME IS WORDPLAY! IT'S ALL TIED TOGETHER, GUYS!

Or the Davros-wheelchair thing, which (and I may be speaking out of my ass here) but I doubt any person who uses a wheelchair actually cares about? Like, the idea of Davros was "he's part-Dalek," not "disabled people are evil." He's evil because he's evil, not because he can't use his legs.

I thought it was really cool to see a younger Davros, but then RTD had to say things like this and make a mountain out of a molehill, addressing a problem that didn't exist. He just comes off looking goofy. Davros had an iconic silhouette, and now if he's brought back under RTD...he'll just look like some regular dude? Why?

Meanwhile, Jodie's outfit was gender-neutral in the first place, and already worn by the Master earlier in that same episode. In The End of Time, RTD had the Master wearing women's clothing as well when he took over every person on the planet. So is RTD saying it's alright for a guy to wear women's clothes if they're a villain?? Because I doubt that's the message he's trying to convey, but it's what it ends up looking like.

(I'm sure if this was brought to his attention, he'd just apologize for being an ignorant man back in 2009 and he's sorry for upsetting everyone -- even though no one was upset.)

(I'm still waiting for an in-universe reason why Tennant got new clothes in the regeneration, btw.)

And the Toymaker was only seen as racist in the 60s for out-of-universe reasons, he wasn't actually racist in the story. Addressing that by making him ACTUALLY racist is just like...bruh, what??

And I don't even want to get into the bi-generation thing, but I will.

This is a different topic, but still related to dumb shit RTD says. Namely that he thinks the bi-generation retroactively caused all previous Doctors to split and now they're all running around space and time concurrently. Apparently, this was said as a joke and not something established in the lore yet (thank God), but it's still a very weird thing to ever fantasize about.

Because Doctor Who is a show about death. And moving on. And new beginnings. Capaldi said it himself in an interview once that "death" is one of the core components of the series, thanks to the Doctor needing to die for the series to move forward. "Everything ends and it's sad, but everything begins and it's happy."

That's the thematic point of regeneration. You're supposed to be sad about the leaving Doctor, but be happy about the new Doctor coming in.

It completely removes the emotional weight of the series to even joke about saying something like, "Oh, all the previous Doctors are alive again and off having adventures." It's like bringing Iron Man back in future MCU movies. It's bad, and it undermines the stories and emotions that came before.

The Doctor needs to die, and a new Doctor needs to come in.

And what makes it even more annoying here, is that Ncuti's introduction is now overstepped by the fact that, no, David Tennant isn't leaving. We're not letting him go. The series will NOT move on from the super-popular 10th Doctor. It not only makes Ncuti's Doctor look like an offshoot of the "real" Doctor that continues to be David Tennant, but it also undercuts that core theme of the show.

Furthermore, while I do like the idea of the Doctor settling down for a while to process his trauma...did RTD just simply ignore the entirety of Moffat's era? Saying the Doctor's just always wanted a family or home is a super strange read on the character, but especially since he already had a family with the Ponds, and lived peacefully with River for 24 years, and spent 70+ years as a teacher and got to become a sort of grandfather to Bill (to say nothing of his actually literal granddaughter that he basically abandoned.) He's settled down multiple times. Maybe the idea was that *this* Doctor never got that, while 11 and 12 did -- but even then, it's a flimsy take that excludes 13.

I see people saying, "Yeah, but in all those situations, those characters died, and that's why it'll be different here." But will it? Donna and her family will still age and die while the Doctor barely ages at all, and it'll still be super sad for him. The nuance is kinda different, but not by much. That's the entire excuse he always gives when asked why he doesn't simply stop moving.

"This is the happiest I've ever been in my life," just...doesn't feel like a thing that's real to me?? Maybe the happiest 10/14 has even been, but the Doctors in general? I don't know about that.

Anyway, this has gone on long enough.

RTD is a good writer, and I love his first era of Doctor Who, but dude needs to get his head out of his own ass and stop jumping at ghosts and getting worked up regarding issues that don't actually exist in the way he thinks they do. If it was just one example out of these, I don't think I'd care, but as they accumulate you just realize how strange RTD is being and it gets tiring.

Doctor Who has always been political, and "woke," and I enjoy laughing at upset right-wingers and much as the next guy, but I think there's a line between being political/progressive...and RTD just being a straight weirdo about issues he clearly doesn't understand or care about and acting like he's everyone's savior when he's just being obnoxious and making everyone raise their eyebrows at his decisions.