#I did not sign up for Nate's toxic ass

[nyxowl16]

who else watched iwtv and suddenly became masters of tragic poetry?

alternatively, who tried watching Euphoria right after that and ended up writing a hate letter to men?

[shae-la-hyene]

Just caught up with that ridiculous cliffhanger.

I don't like this season, it's official.

Apparent the big bad of this season is just Sophie's past ? And like. Eliot's past is full of trauma and interesting. Parker's past shines a lot of light on how she became who she is now. Sophie's past ? It's just a mess best left in the past. Why did they wait all those years to come back to bite her in the ass, just convenient when they were in need for plot ? I don't like it.

All their stunts are more about ridiculous and comedy than it's about being impressive and smart. Even the flashbacks to show off what they did, they are no longer a whole other plan waiting to unravel, just convenient stuff to put into loopholes.

And Sophie's mess is just an excuse to pull Harry out of his own redemption path, as a good lawyer who helps people with what he knows best. He's a mediocre grifter at best and even if the Leverage team is more efficient and fast than what he does, what he does is important, and works at his redemption in a way healthier way. Itns fully him, it's what he chooses to do to make things better, it's not him being forcibly roped in something else.

Sophie is still a mess from Nate's death which is not a very healthy sign for what their relationship was. In the last season of Leverage, they had a very healthy balance and relationship despite being messes both. It was actually fucking great. Her not being able to move on says that relationship wasn't fulfilling to her and it was just a cane so she stays upright. Considering all the years she pursued Nate when he made it very clear he wasn't ready for it goes in that sense too, to be fair...

But now she's completely emotionally dependent on Harry in a way that is frankly toxic. I like him but he seems like a peculiar choice for that role. When there is the trio that has known her for years and is ready to help her. Instead she keeps secrets from them and put the weight of keeping her in check on Harry.

Again. Harry seems pretty balanced and stable emotionally and he's doing a great job of it. But he's processing through his own shit and he never really agreed to be her crutch.

I just don't like this season...

I hope I'm not gonna be the black sheep for it...

[sanderssidesfanfiction]

If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Thirty Two

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

November 4th, 1993

Emile swallowed and shifted on his feet as his mom looked him over. He must have been quite the sight, covered head to toe in dirt and blood. To be fair, Sully had started the fight, but something told him that Mom wouldn’t want to hear that right now. Sully had started it, but Emile had finished it. By shoving Sully into the side of the building, which happened to be where the metal gutter was, landing Sully with a concussion.

Finally, his mom took a breath. Emile knew this lecture was going to be long, but he didn’t know exactly how long it might be, and that’s where the real fear kicked in. He hoped he’d have time for dinner before bed, but judging by the look Mom was giving him, his odds weren’t very high.

  May 26th, 2001

Emile finally left his room when his dad called up that it was time for lunch. He walked down the stairs to find Remy resolutely not looking at him as he sat at the table with a plate of meatballs with some sauce Emile couldn’t identify, and rice on the side. Emile sat down next to him tentatively, where another plate was waiting. Remy didn’t acknowledge him.

His mom and dad came in with plates of their own, his mom said grace, and they all started to eat. Remy went for the rice first, but Emile was curious and immediately halved a meatball, skewering it and humming in surprise. The olive oil brought a depth of flavor to the meatballs that he had never tasted before! “The olive oil was a good call, Rem,” Emile said. “I’m super impressed.”

Remy’s eyes flickered over to him for half a second. “You mean that?”

“Yeah! I’ve never had the meatballs taste like this before, and it’s absolutely delicious.”

Remy’s smile at that was small, and shy, but completely genuine. He wasn’t putting up a front, or playing up his emotions. He was genuinely pleased. And in Emile’s mind, he definitely should be. “It’s been forever since I’ve cooked,” Remy admitted. “I missed it.”

“Well, if this is what you can do with simple ingredients, we’ll have to invest in real food more often,” Emile said. “This is, without a doubt, the best meal I’ve had in months.”

“Emile!” Remy laughed, cheeks flaming red. “You’re gonna embarrass me!”

Emile shrugged and said, “Well, I’m just sharing my opinion,” before backing off and going back to eating.

The atmosphere in the room was slightly less tense after that, though no one really said much, aside from the occasional praise to Remy about improving the recipe. Remy ducked his head with a blush every time, but Emile could see that he really enjoyed the end result of his experiment. It got Emile thinking. Remy would make an excellent cook at a restaurant, or he could probably make new mixes for coffee at the smaller chain, if his managers let him. But food service seemed to be where Remy excelled. He knew a lot about business and math, but he enjoyed cooking. He tucked that thought away for later. He was sure he could make sense out of a half-baked idea at some point in the future.

“So, Remy, do you want to tell us a little about yourself?” Mom asked. “Obviously, you’re a wonderful cook, but outside that.”

Remy shrugged. “I mean, I kinda like sports. Not to the point where I’d be called a sports nut, but it passes the time, and it’s fun to play and to watch. I’ve read some...novels, and books, but uh...my biggest hobby by far has to be...uh...comics. Like, DC, Marvel, anything in between, indie companies, I love them all.”

“Oh, that’s nice!” Mom said. “Do you think you like comics as much as Emile likes cartoons?”

“I’m not sure if anyone could like anything as much as Emile likes cartoons,” Remy laughed. “But yeah, I’m pretty enthusiastic about them.”

“Who’s your favorite superhero? You can’t like comics without having some kind of favorite superhero. Or perhaps a supervillain?” Dad asked.

“How about an antihero?” Remy shot back. “Deadpool is by far my favorite comic series. Anything with Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy comes in second, and first for everything DC, but Deadpool takes the cake.”

“He’s tried to explain the timelines to me, but I can’t keep up with them,” Emile said with a shake of his head. “It’s too confusing.”

“You just lack the ability to apply ret-conning,” Remy informed him. “That makes understanding timelines so much easier.”

Emile and Remy fell into banter about whether or not cartoons or comics were better that had them both laughing by the end of lunch. Everyone put their dishes in the kitchen to be washed later and Dad asked, “Do you boys want to do anything in particular? If you want, we can always go to the community center for a game of basketball or something similar.”

“Uh...if you don’t mind, Mister Thomas, I’d like to talk to Emile alone a minute, first,” Remy said.

Emile’s hair stood on end as his dad nodded. “If I hear shouting, I will come over to break it up,” he said. “You both are mature enough that I hope it won’t be a problem.”

That unspoken behave may as well have been written on a neon sign to Emile. He resisted the urge to roll his eyes as Remy led him upstairs, back to Emile’s room. Remy closed the door behind him softly and hissed, “How many times do I have to tell you, Emile, I don’t like you talking smack about my family!”

“It was a knee-jerk response,” Emile said, crossing his arms.

“The first sentence might have been. The rest certainly wasn’t,” Remy snarled.

“Well, what do you want me to do? Lie to your face and tell you I believe you when you say your parents will change?” Emile challenged. “Look, Rem, I don’t want to hurt you, but you’re setting yourself up to be hurt again putting that hope in your parents!”

“Yeah?” Remy asked. “You’re so certain they’re going to fail me, huh?”

“Every person I’ve ever met who has acted like your mother did never changed their tune. I’m speaking from experience, Remy! I don’t want you to get hurt anymore!”

“They can change!” Remy exclaimed. “They took Vanessa and Toby and I on trips when we were little, and they were doting and caring to all of us at one point or another. They have good in them, Emile! They have good days! They can get more good days if they only put in the effort!”

“Is it worth it, though?” Emile asked. “You’re ripping at the seams, a thread that’s slowly unravelling into insanity. You know your parents weren’t good to you, Rem. You’ve been over this with me and with Kim. But do you know what Kim might not have told you?”

“What?” Remy asked.

“Any good days that they had do not negate the bad days and the hell they put you through most of the time. If you believe they can be good? Then great. Let them prove it to you. Don’t force them to do anything, don’t be the one to reach out first. Make sure that they know you’re serious, you won’t back down, you’re your own person.” Emile shook his head. “You’re making excuses for them and putting all your eggs in one basket. What happens if they don’t come around?”

“They will,” Remy said with certainty.

“But what if they don’t? What happens if they only accept you to a point? They say that you can be who you want in terms of a job, but you can’t be gay, or you can’t have certain people as your friends? There’s always something with those types, Rem. Something will always keep them from being happy.”

Remy’s fists were shaking at his sides. He brought up a hand and Emile flinched, but Remy just pointed. “You know that you can act like a real ass, Emile? It’s not just me who has my moments, or my months!”

Emile took a deep breath, remembering his mother’s words about being gentle. “Remy, I don’t want to hurt you,” he said, holding his hands up. “I’m trying to be realistic, and I know you don’t like it when I sugarcoat things.”

“You talk about my family like they’re all scum,” Remy said. “Well not all of them are that bad, or bad at all! Toby’s the one who gave me ‘the talk’ when I told him I was gay! Vanessa always snuck me snacks if I was banished to my room for however long and I might have missed a meal! Nate and Magenta are angels! Not all my family is my parents, Emile, and even my parents have the potential to change!”

“But it’s only potential, Rem. I don’t want you taking all your hopes and putting it on potential. I don’t want your mom to keep stalking you. I don’t want your parents to ship you off to the military. I don’t want you getting hurt. I just...I can’t find the pretty words to explain why something won’t work!” Emile exclaimed. “I know it can’t work, but you disagree, and I can’t figure out how to get you to see it from my side!”

“I have seen it from your side!” Remy exclaimed. “I saw it from your side on Thanksgiving. When my mom came to me at work. When I put all my hopes on you and moved in with you. But you have extreme, visceral reactions whenever my family gets brought up that make me feel sick to my stomach. They’re not bad people, Emile!”

“They’re bad parents,” Emile insisted. “And bad grandparents. Your cousins and Vanessa are mostly off the hook for now, and Toby was never on it, but your parents? And grandparents? And the aunts and uncles who wouldn’t stand in your corner when you needed it? They’re hurting you, whether intentional or not, actively or passively. And I don’t want to see you hurt!” Emile’s eyes were clouding with tears. “I love you, you idiot! I don’t want to see you hurt!”

“But you hurt me too! When you say my family is evil and my parents are bad and toxic, that hurts me too! Because I want to believe that my family can be good! And you refuse to give them that chance!” Remy hugged own torso. “Maybe I give them too much of a chance, but you definitely give them too little. I could change, why couldn’t they?”

“Rem...” Emile trailed off. “You didn’t change. They tried to change you and you resisted, and you put up walls and fronts around yourself to get their approval, but you were always a kind, caring person at heart. That’s you. And they...they aren’t.”

Remy scowled at him.

Emile shook his head. “I’m sorry, Rem. But I can’t...this is one thing I can’t sugarcoat even if I wanted to. You deserve to know that your parents were hurting you. Are hurting you, even now.”

Remy crossed his arms. “So, what, I’m just supposed to go through life without parents? Without family? Without a safety net? Just free fall the second my mental health takes a dive and crash onto the pavement below?”

“No,” Emile said. “You can borrow my parents and family if you need. You have me, and Clara, and Theo, and Xavier, and all of our mutual friends as a safety net. The second your mental health takes a dive we’ll be there to support you in any way we’re able to.”

Remy kept his arms crossed, eyes growing glassy with tears. “But what if I don’t want you? What if I don’t want them? What if...what if all I really want is my parents there for me? My mother supporting my decisions, and my father praising my hard work?! What if I want that?!”

The last word was shouted at max volume, and Emile could hear his dad rushing up the steps. Emile swallowed. “Well, Rem...you can’t always get what you want.”

Remy’s face darkened and he bellowed, “Screw you!” just as Emile’s dad rushed in. “You don’t get to tell me who I can and can’t go to for help! Maybe I want to reconcile with my parents! Maybe you’re the one being controlling and demanding! You’re the one who’s hurting me, not them!”

“Okay, okay, break it up!” Dad yelled, stepping between them. “Remy, why don’t you go downstairs? I’m sure my wife can help you with whatever you might need at the moment. She has a much gentler touch,” the last part was said with a pointed glance at Emile. “It’s my turn to talk to Emile, now, for a minute.”

The look Emile was getting spoke volumes. He was in massive trouble. Remy huffed and left the room, and Emile braced himself for perhaps the sternest talking-to he would ever have in his life as his stomach sank.

[janiedean]

I have to tell you something but PLEASE, please, don't be mad. I love Brienne, and I loved her with Jamie, and I'm mad and sad that they didn't get to have their happy ending...but I don't think his ending was shit. Or OOC. First at all, book!Jamie is not TV!Jamie: his relationship with Cersei is different, not as sick or manipulative. He loves his siter and is loved by her in a more "helthier" way: in the show she told Tywing the truth about them, and it's huge considering the love for power1/?

He watched her lose their 3 children, he learned about her walk of shame to get back to Tommen, he witnessed Robert’s humiliations. I think he would have stayed with Brienne if she knew his sister was safe, but he couldn’t be happy if his siter died and he did nothing to save her. He needed to be that person, otherwise all his growth would be lost, and he would have dragged Brienne in his spiral, and he didn’t want to make her miserable. To me he is still an honorable man, bc when there was a chance to do something, he did it: he killed the king to save KL, he fought the dead army, but over and over he said that the Lannister army didn’t stand a chance against the dragons or the Dathraki, he was not a fool. His speech was not about NOT CARING, it was about knowing there was nothing he could have done. He did good, he was good, and till his last moment he tried to be honorable, he tried to be the person Brienne inspired him. P.s.: Still heartbroken that he died, but I think there is some poetic justice with Cercei crashed by the symbol of the power she tried lo long to hold.

anon, I appreciate that you’re being nice and I appreciate that you’re trying to find some sense in this entire thing, but… okay, I’ll go over it and please don’t take me as *me* being mad or whatever but I don’t think a few things were clear here so I’ll try to do it now:

jc in the show is not healthier. it might be different, but it’s not and the fact that it might have been less obvious doesn’t mean that they didn’t drag that toxic mess out for four seasons when it had no reasons to exist. now: I was down with looking at it until s4 because that was book canon and I can deal with book canon. I had to look at three more fucking seasons of that toxic abusive mess happening and I don’t know if it’s obvious or not, but if I have one thing, like one in the universe that I can’t deal with, that I hate and that makes me feel sick more than anything else it’s emotional/psychological manipulation. and show!jc has that in spades and I can’t. like, as it is right now I’m pretty damn sure I’d take reading explicit thramsay fic that ends horribly with annexed detailed fanart than even rewatching five seconds of a scene where those two are in the same frame and is2g if they had kissed at the end of 8x05 I’d have thrown up. please for the love of everything if you think it’s better than book canon your prerogative, but don’t come at me informing me of that because I can’t. especially not right now;

I honestly can’t give much of a damn about the stuff c. suffered when 80% of that is her damn fault and I’m especially talking about tommen who only did that because she gave zero shits about his opinion in anything but we’re supposed to think she’s a good mother or that she cares which makes me especially sick because people have decided that for her out of nowhere when we all know how much leeway they give catelyn for that and I’m honestly done with it, and maybe it’s not inconsistent that he’d care, but it’s inconsistent how they wrote it;

because I mean if they showed some half-regret over leaving brienne or she was mentioned or if the entire thing was addressed instead of spending four episodes building it up and then did in four minutes what it took six feet under an entire season to do with nate and brenda back in the day is bad writing, has no consistency, it also murdered tyrion as a character because I can’t believe that in the span of two episodes he goes from I’m happy that you’re happy to WELL I DON’T HATE MY SISTER SO MUCH JUST GO TO PENTOS when ah, wait, c. sent bronn to kill both of them?

also ‘who ever cared abotu the innocents’ or whatever the fuck that line was??? wow, that’s all this asshole has ever cared about in canon to the point of losing his reputation for it not counting c. or tyrion at least in the very beginning of the series when everyone thinks he’s an ass, and I have to buy that this episode was halfway decent writing?

also: even if I was okay with jaime’s ending - which I could have been if at least it amounted to something because that entire episode was a plot hole after plot hole (where’s widow’s wail? he waves WITH THE FAKE HAND??? WTF??, did he ring the bells so he actually helped destroy the city without knowing dany would lose her shit through jon connington’s ghost possessing her? if bran didn’t rat him out bc he had A ROLE TO PLAY what was the damned role since he hasn’t done anything until now that warranted it??? just the first four) and he didn’t even… help cersei or take her out like he literally was there to just give her some basic human comfort and rocks fall everyone dies, what’s the sense of it?? -, anon, this entire narrative leaves brienne horribly;

because sorry but in the best of chances she’s not pregnant and someone lies to her and tells her jaime went there to stop cersei and tried to be honorable (which given what they made him say about not caring for the innocents makes it bad writing but nvm) and she can think okay, I waited years for the right guy to trust/open myself to and then he left me like that but at least he did it for a good reason now will I ever trust anyone again, maybe, and I assure you that getting over such a thing is not too easy, but that would be the best option. mid-bad option: she still thinks he did it for the right reasons but she’s pregnant so hey, she has an illegitimate child from a man who left her like that to go into a senseless death making her believe she was wrong about him and breaking her heart and she has to play single mother in tarth without him or maybe she can hedge knight along with the kid or leave him with pod or smth but that doesn’t look good on jaime either. or worse, she’s pregnant and she finds out he went just to die with cersei and didn’t even mention her or anything to tyrion along the way so she did all of the above…. for a guy who at the end of it as the narration puts it just went back to die with c. and a kid he didn’t even know might be real or not when she could have given him what he always craved/wanted/needed and left her like that? like, anon, even if it was a good ending for jaime, there is no bloody way that brienne gets out of this mess of a season with a dignified ending unless they somehow manage to pull a miracle out of their arses and sorry but their writing has been so bad that I honestly doubt it, not even david milch showing up like the calvarly could salvage this crap of a finale, and for all characters tbqh, not just them;

on top of that, sorry but it passes the message that brienne, only rep. in this show for nonstandard attractive people who spends years thinking she’ll never find love and suddenly thinks she can be happy with the guy who also fulfilled her greatest dream and opens herself up to him putting her vulnerability on the line (and while I don’t really think the whole virginity thing is that much of an issue since she actually did manage to give it to the guy she wanted it does mean something in this context)…………. shouldn’t have done it because wow, left like that without a second thought and without being addressed in the next episode at all by at least tyrion who has spent the previous four episodes either admiring her or trying to get her and jaime together never mind jaime? wow, I mean, I surely signed up to see the character I always saw myself in getting this shit treatment by people who obviously didn’t understand either her or jaime at the bottom of it for as much as I still think 8x04 did it right until the end?

anon, I appreciate your optimism about that narrative, but this episode was so badly written that it managed to about destroy the narratives of characters that weren’t even in it (sansa and brienne, and let’s not even discuss sansa because lmao), to have every single person but davos and possibly jon but meh behave ooc given what half of their lines said if not their actions because even if we take jaime’s actions as your reading (legit) what they made him say was still atrocious and ooc and same for tyrion, let’s not even touch dany or sandor/arya or really anyone that wasn’t davos. I cannot, in all good conscience, find anything good about this mess because it was badly written. period. even if we decide that the plot and motivations were fine and we try to make them make sense the way you did, the execution was shit, the dialogue was shit, it looked like they weren’t even trying, it did a disservice to every single character that was in it except davos who was there for five seconds to smuggle stuff and I honestly, honestly, cannot even find the force of will to try to make sense of it.

this entire season has been a gigantic plot hole, it wasn’t coherent within its own narration see ep. 2 clashing with ep. 8, 90% of what happened post 8x02 was for shock value without giving a single fuck about making it look in character and making the characters behave nonsensically - and I don’t mean just jaime, I mean all of them to serve the undoubtedly wtf shocking ending they have in plan for us which if I guessed already I’ll hate with the force of a thousand suns, and I’m honestly done with trying to make sense of this thing because nothing makes sense anymore. I appreciate that y’all are trying but I give up. I can’t make sense of a narrative that goes like ‘we’re doing this because it’s cool and if it doesn’t add up with everything we did before who gives a fuck’, and I honestly can do without trying to find a silver lining in a show that has totally twisted the message of the books and turned into an angst fest for which everyone has to be miserable at all costs or it’s not good tv, and that’s the last I’m going to say about this specific matter because:

a) I’m tired, b) I want to finish my spitefics and ignore this mess ever happened and concentrate on doing something that makes me happy, c) if I just keep on thinking about how bad this was IN GENERAL I wish jaime was my #1 problem I just feel worse and I don’t need it, d) the fact that they did brienne this dirty and she wasn’t even in this episode is really leaving the worst sour taste in my mouth and it’s already bad enough that I have to hope her ending is only 80% crap and not 100% crap, I honestly can’t with discourse that tries to find any basic sense in how this episode was conceived and executed beyond my problems with jc, jaime’s writing and the fact that they managed to get wrong one of his three most basic character traits that has nothing to do with brienne or jb for that matter.

thanks for being polite and nice about this and I swear I’m not mad but I honestly can’t with this episode and I would appreciate if from this point on anyone could refrain from trying to make jc sound better than it is where I can see it/where I can’t blacklist it because it’s really not a good idea right now. thanks again and have a possibly nicer than than mine. ;)

[yxcnghq-blog]

good fuckin yard my guys gals and non binary pals !! i’m admin c and this is my messy disaster gay problem child jooseok. below the cut you’re gonna find out a loT about his tragic ass and if you hit the like button if i haven’t already, i’ll hit you up for plotting !! i’ll give a few ideas of connections on the end of this too since i’m gonna update and redo his plot page sfngn bUT let it be known i also mun aurora, euchan and emrys so i may have also messaged you for plotting on one of those acc’s, if so don’t worry i will ensure to give you the chance to plot with all my babies !! without further ado: 

jooseok is the son of a mob family, they’re very well established in the criminal world. his parents are yeong dami and yeong joohyuk. however it is dami who actually runs the game and is the head bitch in charge shall we say, not to bring feminist agenda joo to life but as u can imagine due to this he has hella respect for women esp his mother bc of the strength he observed in her growing up. he thinks women are stronger and better at survival bc of learning through his ma and being trained by her. 

so he was raised of course in the family gang, raised in crime and never really knew any other way to live. when he reached seventeen he was initiated officially into the gang meaning his role became more full time and his responsibility became larger. he dropped out of college after his first two years there to accomodate for this and so his education wasn’t the finest but he was homeschooled for a long time before he got too old as the gang considered it and he no longer had time for it. plus he was of the belief he knew enough about how the world worked through the observation of the good and ugly alone. 

he does have a younger sister who he considers his entire world and he also has a brother of around the same age as him. the family dynamic is a little complex, he’d kill without hesitation for both his siblings despite the fact that his brother and himself often don’t agree or see eye to eye on anything, they bicker and give each other shit but they’d never turn their backs on each other. these are wanted connections i will eventually put on the list so they can be filled out also. 

he’s considered an infiltrator and a double agent as his main job titles for the gang so right now he works undercover in the police force helping the wrongly accused escape a life of jail time and prove their innocence when the justice system fails them. occasionally he’s put in charge of strategy too and he is very very respected within the gang for being the youngest and yet the most skilled who rose to his tasks very quickly for his age and became the best at what he does at an alarmingly quick rate, he’s actually pretty well known for having the reputation of being the youngest to climb the ranks and gain status like this. 

he could actually have been the boss of the gang with the amount of tasks and dirty work he takes on

HOWEVER...

jooseok has a huge secret and this is that recently he’s started attending college again and taken on night classes to study law and learn more about the police force so he can become a genuine crime detective. he is also undertaking training for the police force. 

the lifestyle and career of the police force has always been his dream and his goal but with his limited education it was never something he could achieve alongside his gang life. this is why he jumped at the chance to at least do something undercover with the police and despite playing dirty cop, use it to do something good, vigilante like if you will. 

joo can’t keep his secret forever though, his gang are getting wind of what’s going on and soon he’s going to have to go into hiding. despite the gang being his family, hits will be issued on him until he is eliminated and killed. simply put he is considered a traitor the minute he gives up gang life, and he knows far too much to simply be allowed to walk free possibly giving away all their secrets and intel. because it is a family business there are severe consequences for him turning away from what is considered his duty and responsibility.

joo = big be gay, do crime type energy. he’s abrasive and amoral but he’s also nurturing and naturally smart and talented at everything he puts his passion into. he’s resourceful and crazy adaptable and he’s equal parts a protector as much as he is a fighter. he can be broody and blunt but he can also be witty and hilarious with his dark sense of humor and somewhat messed up mind and moral code. if you’re considered close to jooseok then he’ll kill half the population of daegu easy with his own hands with no worries so long as you’re safe. 

he worked undercover in america for a year so he can speak english and went by the shortened name of jo over there but most people call him seok or ong in korea to shorten his name to a nickname. he’s fluent in his english, jooseok is well known for being a quick learner in every area if u know what i mean *side eyes*

can be a bit of a fuckboy but has a big heart deep down despite it all, just keeps it concealed because of past toxic relationships and the belief taught into him from early on that any attachment to anything you don’t owe it to, would only result in weakness and vulnerability. and you don’t want people to know you have weaknesses when you do what jooseok does. *coughs* for this reason he has had a lot of pining and unrequited love situations *coughs* 

he’s not that close with his parents, he keeps a strictly professional relationship with them mostly but his mum is his idol for her mentality and attitude to life. though he wishes he could achieve more than what she allowed for him to be a part of. wishes he could be normal. 

OTHER LIL HEADCANONS: 

joo joined the gang officially at seventeen when the initiation process took place and this was the time he met hyunjin ( @phyunjinn​ ) also known as his best friend and right hand man. they quickly became partners in the gang for everything, if joo had business to deal with especially the dangerous kind then nate would be by his side, acting as his protection for anyone who dared cross him and likewise he would give the same back. think kinda like alec and jace i guess as a good example with the whole parabatai bond aspect. they fight the best when they’re fighting together, and if one of them died, a huge piece of the other would die with them. 

at first joo actually refused to talk to nate cause he’s a lil shit and he didn’t get why it should be important but dami urged her son, pointing out they were of similar ages and being initiated at the same time and it was important to have someone he could talk to and rely on like that. so he sidled his way over eventually and pretty easily and nonplussed like made a best friend out of the other male. they grew to have a secret code of trust between them, joo learning sign language for the male to put him at ease and also ordering the rest of the gang did the same despite complaints he quickly shut that shit down arguing they needed to be able to communicate with nate in his way to ensure his safety faster if need ever be. ( but for him personally, he learnt because he wanted to be able to talk to nate in the way that comes most naturally to the male ) 

in college he’s considered a soft jock type, heart of gold but he’s very physically attractive and a bit of a heart throb and definitely considered sporty despite also being very musically driven. 

PLOT IDEAS: 

joo needs some college friends, musically talented people he can consider study buddies, he was actually almost an idol once when he nearly signed on with a company because of how musically talented he is as a producer and songwriter - typically he only writes for close friends and always ensures the lyrics feel truthful and genuine to his friend’s stories but yeah give me people he is encouraged by with that and just able to be himself with. 

friends from america potentially as well

other criminal underground kinda connections bc u know keeps business thriving to link up with other famously dangerous people and work together. 

i would so love a good cop,bad cop type thing where someone who he’s on the police force with or is also training to be in the police force with him is genuine and legit and knows he isn’t and is kinda like shunning tf outta him for it but also trying to teach him how to be better without even realizing it and sort of having their mind changed on how simple good and bad is bc actually there is kind of a grey area which joo belonged to. 

ex’s of course 

as much as i love friends who don’t know about joo’s other life, i’d also love some friends who did and were hella concerned bc like siren noises what is this boi doing he’s gonna get himself killed and does he even cAre bc he fuckin should

roomies plssss 

enemies and rivals are always welcome too maybe ppl who dislike him for turning away from the crime life and going straight or whatever rlly i also rlly like the idea of someone who sort of admired him and has a personal grudge bc he was so good at being a criminal and he made such a legacy and then he just abandoned it and they feel he wasted it or something

[paperbackriot]

Remembering Kian Loyd Delos Santos a year later

Had Kian been alive, he would’ve turned 18 last May 26, the same day as my birthday, only that he’s a year younger. I would only learn about that fact when I went to his burial last year and found his tombstone.

Kian Loyd Delos Santos lived a simple life—at least that’s what his friends told me when I asked them about him a year ago. A Grade 11 student, he never got into trouble at school and (upon returning home), Kian would man his family’s school supplies store until midnight. He would’ve been in his last year at senior high now. The third of four siblings, he would’ve been a year closer to his dream of becoming a policeman and lifting his family out of poverty.

But “would’ve” is a pair of words reserved for regret: after all, on this night last year, Kian met his tragic and brutal demise at the hands of three policemen during an anti-drug operation. His body would be found in a trash-filled eskinita near his house, his head filled with holes from gunshots. Police claimed that the young boy carried shabu and opened fire when he was being arrested. Nanlaban, as they would often tell—but eyewitness accounts, security camera footage, and forensic examination results tell otherwise.

A witness said he heard Kian scream “Tama na po! Tama na po! May test pa po ako bukas!” before hearing three gunshots. By then, his death had become part of  what was known as the “bloodiest” nights of the government’s anti-drug campaign.

Had Kian been alive, he would’ve turned 18 last May 26, the same day as my birthday, only that he’s a year younger. I would only learn about that fact when I went to his burial last year and found his tombstone lying on a damp pavement beside a bicycle and a tiny hole that would become his tomb. A simple resting place for a simple boy. Etched in stone were the dates that indicate his birth and (another for his) death.

Kian could’ve been me. Kian could’ve been anyone.

That’s not entirely true, however. Unlike Kian, I’m not poor—and if films like Ma Rosa, Respeto, and Buy Bust would tell us something, it’s that the police have largely targeted slum areas in their anti-drug operations. Thousands of the poor have suffered losses and lives have been lost due to spurious and often baseless rumors of involvement in illegal drug trade.

Kian alone was killed due to evidence “gathered from social media.” It’s very much easy to kill someone without legal percussions now, anyway: just tag your victim as a drug pusher or addict and no one would bat an eye. I bet my ass you’d literally get away with murder and probably even get an honorable mention from the president himself if you’re lucky.

A year has passed and Kian’s relatives are still seeking justice. But it seems that the government shows no signs of slowing down.

For Grade 12 UST student-activist Ronel Reyes, who joined hundreds of other students and activists in marching to Mendiola to commemorate the first anniversary of Kian’s death, it seems unlikely that justice would ever be served to Kian and the thousands of other victims of the drug war.

“Mariin ko pong kunokundena natin ‘yung mabagal o wala talagang pag-usad ng kaso ni Kian Delos Santos. Yung mga pulis na dapat nakakulong ay malayang nakakagalaw dito sa ating bansa dahil sila’y na-relieve lang naman sa puwesto tapos nilipat na sila sa ibang lugar,” Ronel said.

In a report by INQUIRER.net, most of the officers involved in the operations that killed Kian as well as 19-year-old Carl Angelo Arnaiz—who was killed mere days after Kian—have returned to active duty. Four of their superiors have since been promoted to higher positions. And the president, despite protests left and right, has remained committed to his brutal anti-drug campaign.

A year after Kian’s death, it seems that the government still didn’t get the cue that addressing the problem of illegal drugs should be about reducing poverty and that drug addiction should be treated as a mental health issue, not to mention that decriminalizing illegal drug use has shown better effects of addressing the problem rather than, say, putting bullets in people’s heads.

The government could go round and round on how drugs are supposedly this country’s main problem but it has been glaringly obvious that the government simply hates the poor. Instead of addressing poverty and rampant social inequality, the government is choosing the gun and the lives of thousands for its promise of “change” whatever that means, and whatever it takes.

In the sidelines of the protest, Florita Lopez narrated to me how her 23-year-old son Justin in an anti-drug operation in Tondo May last year. She was one of the mothers who marched to Mendiola earlier this afternoon. All of them lost children in the government’s war on drugs.

Justin was an epileptic, Florita said, but police have accused him of being a gang member involved in a murder case. She did not flinch when she recounted how she wasn’t allowed to go near her son’s body when he was killed. When I asked her for what she would tell to other families who lost children and relatives to the drug war, she did not flinch either in saying that they all should come out and fight for justice.

“Hindi mo pwedeng magsawalang-kibo na lang, kailangan talagang may lumaban para makamit ang katarungan na ‘yan kasi kung walang lalaban, paano ‘yung katarungan na hinahangan natin?” she asked.

It’s easier said than done, as the year also saw the government attacking and threatening its staunch critics. I brought up the possibility of activists being killed and framed as drug suspects to Ronel . He did not deny that possibility, but he did not quiver in saying that he is not afraid of the threats.

“Hindi po tayo matatakot lalo na sa panahon ngayon na tumitindi ‘yung pang-aapi, pananamantala, at ‘yung patuloy na pagpaslang sa kapwa nating Pilipino dahil din ito sa patuloy na karahasan sa lipunan. ‘Di po tayo matatakot dahil kasama natin ‘yung malawak na hanay ng masa.”

In the midst of all the killings—from priests to journalists and more drug suspects—it’s easy to be desensitized to all the violence. It’s easy to turn off the TV or mute political tweets and posts. The society we live in is undeniably toxic and deadly, but our choice to be deaf and blind to the rising death toll from the government’s war on drugs is what enables it to kill more.

As we mark the year since Kian’s death, the day serves as a reminder for us that justice still has not been served to the thousands of victims of impunity, and it’s unlikely that they’d ever get it—that is, unless we stand together and fight this murderous regime. We won’t allow more blood to be spilled. We remember, and we won’t forget.

***

This essay appeared at Scout Magazine on August 17, 2018.