#I did my best don't judge me
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alxandergoth · 1 month ago
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The party is full of elaborate costumes, but something about this person catches Charlie’s eye. Ghostface has been lingering in his peripheral vision all night, throwing deliberate glances in Charlie’s direction, making his pulse race just a little faster. There’s something familiar about the way the masked figure moves, the confidence in the stance, the way their eyes—though hidden in the shadow of the mask—seem to fix on Charlie from across the room. Charlie knows he’s being watched, and he can’t help but feel the slow heat of curiosity rising in his chest. He’s always liked a little mystery, but this? This feels like it’s more than just a stranger at a party. Ghostface hasn’t said a word, but every time Charlie’s eyes meet the mask across the room, it’s as if the air between them tightens, like they’re sharing a private conversation no one else can hear.
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masterhandss · 1 year ago
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Compiling the illustrations I made for the graphics of #AnzuWeek2023 on twitter
I made these for the event + her unofficial birthday :)) They are all based on official enstars stickers (I know I didn't copy them 100% accurately but an attempt was made!) because I desperately want to see official content of her, so I made some myself :)) be the change you want to see in the world, that sort of thing :DD
Feel free to use them for anything as long as it's non-commercial/non-profit, no need to credit but nonetheless appreciated :)) I've seen people say that they struggle to find images to use to present anzu besides the popular anime screenshots used around often :))
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bugsinshoes · 1 month ago
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"won't you kiss me once, baby?"
yesterday was the one year anniversary of my first ever laurelyn drawing! it's crazy how much these two have changed, so, I had to redraw them. i love these two so bad guys (original under the cut)
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tea-cat-arts · 4 months ago
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As much as I've been defending JC lately, I still kinda think of him as the deer in this meme ngl
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kaiserouo · 11 months ago
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trying to draw cayde again
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theflyingfeeling · 8 months ago
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yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋
#i just want to enjoy the summer but i feel like i don't deserve to if i'm not constantly trying to become employed again 😭#''apply for jobs then? problem solved'' uh-huh yes but!! i also hate applying for jobs#job seeking can be so incredibly humiliating#first i have to send them a letter BEGGING to be invited to an interview#and then i have to try and convince them that i am actually competent and good at my job even though you have my cv right there#and then afterwards they call me to tell me they found someone who they liked better than me#(or rather someone who was more competent than me judging by their work history etc.)#it's like ''yes we are hiring but not YOU specifically lol''#like. at school if you take a test you get the grade you deserve based on how you did in the exam.#it's something you can actually directly affect yourself#but if someone who's applying for the same job with me has more work experience or whatever they will get hired over me no matter what i do#(at least that's how it usually works on my field)#in which case it doesn't matter if i do well in the interview or nah. bc the other person was always going to be picked for the job anyway#and yes one could say i can then be satisfied if i did my best but it's little consolation when i'm still unemployed!!#and so every time i apply for a job and get rejected it feels like a personal failure#and to avoid that feeling of failure i want to avoid applying for jobs altogether#so yeah. being active in job seeking is more likely to relieve me from this misery but job seeking is ALSO misery. so 🤷‍♀️#that on top of the fact i don't even _want_ to apply for all the open positions on my field#but i feel obliged to because it's what i have a degree on. and when i'm unemployed i don't have the luxury to choose which ones i apply fo#i can't afford to be picky#I DON'T DREAM OF LABOUR I JUST NEED MONEY TO LIVE BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO JUST ANY JOB! I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT!#i don't want to come home crying from work every day because i hate every single aspect of my life INCLUDING my job 😭#when this semester i actually HAD a job i didn't mind waking up to every morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair#to conclude i don't deserve to enjoy myself in the summer because i'm not doing enough to fix my unemployement situation#(just like i don't deserve to feel sad about being lonely because i don't work hard enough to maintain deep friendships#but that's a crisis for another day! stay tuned ✌️)
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umirage · 2 years ago
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Ominis 💖
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sherlock-is-ace · 9 months ago
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#oh wow...#i just had an oh shit fuck moment#wow#i usually complain about the one therapist i had in my entire life and how she wouldn't just listen to what i was saying#if it didn't fit her textbook definition of whatever she was thinking at the time#and how i talked to her about my anxiety and how that made me feel and she would only focus on how i acted#so the example i gave her was the one time i went into a shop to buy something by myself#because my mom didn't want to go in for me and arguing with my mom in front of the shop in public and then inevitably have to#go in myself either way was way worse to me#because of the embarrassement of arguing in public. the fact that my mom was gonna spend the entire walk home telling me how i have to#''just suck it up and learn and just overcome my anxiety because i don't have a problem'' or whatever#and then having to go into the shop where the lady had been watching me from inside the entire time how i clearly didn't want to go in#and possibly be even more awkward with teary eyes because of the anxiety and awkwardness i already bring to the table any day...#all of those things that were going inside my head were trumped by the fact that i did go in and did buy what i needed#although my heart was coming out of my chest the entire time... all that didn't matter to my therapist because in her words:#''if you had anxiety. you simply wouldn't have gone in''#which is ridiculous#but anyways... i just had an epiphany... that was masking wasn't it?#forcing myself to do something that brings me major discomfort to make my mother and the shop lady not judge me?#pretend i'm a normal human being just doing normal things instead of someone who's about to have a heart attack buying embroidery thread?#panicking the entire time because i wasn't prepeared and hadn't scripted the entire transaction in my head?#yet still going in and putting on my ''normal person'' mask to try to seem like i wasn't just dying seconds ago (and still was)?#isn't that literally what masking is?!#and the ''autism specialist'' ass therapist was like ''if you did it then you don't have a problem''#when i'm literally telling her how much of a problem it actually WAS?!#you know what's the best part about all this#that when i told my mom after i left that therapist that she didn't listen to me because [insert everything above]#my mom's response was ''well sometimes therapist will say things that you don't want to hear but you have to accept them''....#same woman who's always saying how much she hates therapists because they ''will say whatever and pretend they know shit''#ok so it's only The Truth when I tell you it isn't...
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greywolfheirs · 2 years ago
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lux-et-astra · 5 months ago
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wizarding fashion
clothing norms - sleeves tend to be shorter, mostly to provide access to wand holsters - this changed during the war (dark marks) - thin material - having thinner and shorter clothes is a sign of privilege because good wizarding clothes tend to be enchanted to keep the wearer at a good temperature. having to wear jumpers or other temperature-specific clothes is a signal that the wearer is poorer, however this isn't as strong an indicator as some other fashion faux pas as they're also occasionally worn for comfort rather than warmth - high waisted shirts/blouses - wizarding shirts don't tend to be tucked in, they end where the trouser waist should start - again they ought to be enchanted to remain in the right position, but there's also not as much of a modesty culture (partially because showing more skin suggests better clothing enchantments therefore more wealth rather than less) - material is also often less hardy because mending it is so easy - although this isn't true for all wizarding clothing (tunics are often made of very thick, tough fabric)
semi-casual, day to day items - loose trousers (wide legs which come to the knee at the front and mid-calf on the back, usually are a fairly plain pattern with a wide, decorated band at the ends and the (high) waist. usually a light material) - shorts (usually come in a matched set with the trousers, so also have wide decorated bands at the ends and waist - these are a much more modern twist on the loose trousers, usually only seen on young people) - skirts (a range of lengths, although not usually below mid-calf, more generally not below the knee - tend to tie with laces that go a few inches down the left side. usually a light material) - tighter trousers (these come to the ankles and are a little more formal - part of school uniform for boys usually. a heavier material and not necessarily as high a waist. typically darker colours and almost always come with a waistcoat in adults, although some might skip the waistcoat if they're wearing them with closed robes) - underwear - pants tie with one cord at the top; bras are laced down the centre of the front
robes - everyday robes are almost always black - come with sleeves and without (sleeves usually only to the elbows, although that has changed in recent years) - typically edged with colours/decorations which convey some kind of allegiance - robes are part of graduation/matriculation and are often associated with guilds. potion masters' guild uses green robes, ministry uses purple robes. children tend to wear plain black robes - graduating from any school allows you to wear white edged robes. typically prestigious family houses may wear robes where the edge colour is striped with their colour of significance - open robes have the edging along the sides and around the hood; closed robes for men have the edging along the sides down the middle, whereas closed robes for women have the edging along the exposed edge. all robes also have edging around the bottom/skirt, but closed robes do not have edging around the collar - open robes are very different from closed robes - they have hoods whereas closed robes do not, and they tend to only fall to the knee or mid-calf, whereas closed robes all fall to the ankle (excepting some more modern designs, which are sniffed upon in high society) - will ALL have good pockets - closed robes for men are a straighter silhouette, fasten at the centre of the front with buttons, and have a mandarin collar usually. buttons tend to go down to about the waist, at which point the robe falls open - closed robes for women have a fuller skirt - the top bit fastens at the left of the front with buttons, and the robe then cuts down diagonally across the skirt section. it will twirl out but the robe will not fall open. collar is less prescriptive as women tend to wear blouses underneath, so some will have high collars, but some will sit underneath the shirt collar instead. - men tend to wear closed robes with tight trousers (in the past, the buttons would go all the way down and they wouldn't wear anything underneath - this has changed) - men don't tend to wear a shirt underneath, although they may wear a shorter tunic-style top (NOT a full tunic) - women tend to wear closed robes without trousers, although they will occasionally wear shirts underneath. women don't tend to wear tunic-style tops - if the robe has a high collar, they may wear a peasant blouse instead of a collared one
footwear - usual everyday footwear are ankle boots. these can look more or less like curly elf boots - typically depending on formality/age of wearer. older wizards stick to the older style which looks a little "sillier" to those more familiar with i.e. muggle culture - can be laced but more modern ones may have zips in the side - women's duelling boots go a little higher, more like combat boots - laced - men's duelling boots are almost thigh high typically - laced - the more laces, the better - again a sign of privilege to have laces you have to use magic to do properly - laced shoes are never school uniform and children don't tend to wear them until fourteen/fifteen
practical/formal - the tunic outfit - the tunic outfit is ostensibly worn when you're duelling/expecting to have to fight. thus it's part of the hit wizard/auror uniform, is typically worn in formal situations that aren't balls, and is more common among young people. - it's also a lot more common among wizards of prominent houses because it has a heritage aspect and is more removed from muggle culture - it wouldn't raise eyebrows in the street but it puts forward the same kind of image as a leather jacket or proper combat/steeltoed boots if the whole kit is worn, especially the gambeson. just the tunic without the gambeson is very normal and just like wearing jeans in a practicality kind of sense - for men, it comprises men's duelling boots, a tunic, tunic belt, a kind of gambeson, and possibly open sleeveless robes. for a full outfit a wand holster is worn on the wand arm and a bracer on the other - for women, it comprises women's duelling boots, a tunic, tunic belt, the same gambeson, and possibly open sleeveless robes, wand holster & bracer, but also duelling leggings - the tunic has fairly wide and long sleeves that stop a little before the elbow. it's typically made of heavy fabric and is in darker colours. men's tunics are longer than women's, because they don't tend to wear duelling leggings - tunics are never worn without a tunic belt but the belt signifies something very specific about the outfit. tunic belts are always enchanted in some way. something like a thick ribbon would be worn if the tunic was being worn in an everyday sense, or cord or rope. if it's being worn with the gambeson, a metal belt is better. not everyone has a lot of tunic belts to choose from as they're quite expensive so it's also a sign of privilege. - the gambeson is quite short because it sits just above the tunic belt, which sits above the hips. it has a high collar like men's closed robes (which are meant to evoke it), and no sleeves - if worn with sleeveless robes, they should cover the edge of the gambeson where it overlaps the tunic. it's usually made of thick quilted fabric, heavily enchanted, and features a crest on the front - commonly of one's school house, family house, or guild house. a plain or simply patterned gambeson suggests someone poor or unconnected; a gambeson with a group's symbol suggests a cohesive group or militia. death eaters wore gambesons with the dark mark. - duelling leggings are fairly thin but tight (usually black) leggings that come to just above the knee. they are enchanted to deflect most spells and came into use due to concerns in the olden days about protecting women's abilities to reproduce. it's become common nowadays for women to wear shorter versions underneath loose trousers or skirts (or even shorts sometimes) where they're not visible. - part of graduation involves receiving a full tunic kit. gryff: deep red tunic, gold belt, black gambeson with red background & gold lion, open robes edged with white. huff: mustard yellow tunic, black iron belt, black gambeson with mostly white badger, open robes edged with white. sly: deep green tunic, silver belt, black gambeson with green background & silver snake, open robes edged with white. rav: dark blue tunic, bronze belt, blue gambeson with bronze eagle, open robes edged with white. - styling the kit without the gambeson and boots makes it much less formal and accessible, as the tunics require much less washing. - some tunic belts (all metal, most cord, some rope, very few ribbon) are braided in house-specific patterns - belt braiders are highly respected artisans
formal occasions - the tunic kit with gambeson is kind of like wearing full military dress - it's appropriate for some occasions and people and not for others - sometimes dress robes are appropriate - these are fancier versions of closed robes - for women, dress robes always have a high collar and shouldn't be worn with anything underneath, they basically function as a wrap dress - they can be more exciting colours, do not have edging as a general rule although some still do, are often patterned, and ALWAYS fall to the ankle - while this is occasionally flouted in everyday robes it is never flouted in dress robes. (yet) - dress robes can also be made out of lighter material and almost never have pockets - dress robes are always sleeveless and show off the wand holster. some have taken to wearing bracers as well with dress robes in order to hide the dark mark, however it's a practice that was well-accepted by a lot of people - dress robes should only be worn with ankle boots rather than duelling boots - for balls, women tend to wear proper ball-gowns, while men wear two-piece dress robes: this is a jacket shirt in the same style as the top of normal dress robes, with some kind of enchanted tails - the aim of this shirt is for the actual material of the shirt to flow as fluidly as possible into the tails - and tight trousers underneath, which shouldn't attract as much attention as the tails so normally aren't patterned, but aren't restricted to being dark colours. these are also typically of a much lighter material than everyday tight trousers - because some people only have one set of dress robes, there are some tailors who will tailor one-piece dress robes temporarily into two-piece dress robes - this is usually quite noticeable but deemed better than not making the effort at all. the quality of tailoring varies based on how much you can spend on it.
uniform - most guilds don't necessarily require a uniform besides edged robes, although for formal occasions some might have guild-specific gambesons & belts or a specific style of dress robes - some professions do have a uniform - i.e. ministry officials tend to wear closed dress robes with a ministry pin detailing their specific role - these pins, when being worn, are trackable from a central ministry office, making it easy for people to tell when officials are in work and therefore available, and where to find them. aurors/hit wizards have a full tunic kit uniform - school boys have to wear plain black sleeveless robes with a house pin, tight black trousers, white shirt - school girls have to wear plain black sleeveless robes with a house pin, grey knee-length lace-up skirt (of a heavier material than usual wizarding skirts), white shirt - sporting uniforms usually evoke the tunic kit - they will typically include an underlayer, usually leggings and a tight shirt, with a high-collared sleeveless jersey to go over, bearing a team's crest. the jersey will usually fall to the tops of an athlete's thighs and they will usually wear boots akin to duelling boots but made of more flexible material
guild colours - potion masters: green (because the herbologists' guild is technically an affiliate of the potion masters' guild, they use olive green to distinguish themselves) - enchanters: blue (due to this, alchemists tend to use teal/turquoise edging - transfiguration specialists use a royal blue whereas charms specialists use a pale blue) - ministry: purple - merchants: gold (it's not gold because a lot of members of the merchants' guild are hufflepuffs, but that's a popular misconception) - duellists: red (the duellists' guild is technically higher in the guild hierarchy than the ministry, so hit wizards and aurors who are members of the guild at journeyman level or higher wear red edged robes rather than purple) - historians: orange - smiths: silver
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dullahandyke · 1 year ago
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i look at some of u guys talking abt a new show u watched or a new thing u read and im like. holy shit thats a thing u can do. im in awe of u. i spend my time slowly ping-ponging between several interests whose base componants i can never experience because i get scard
#right now its danganronpa again grin. did u know ive been into it on and off for lets say 7 years at this point#and ive never once played it myself. i have it installed on this laptop ready to go and i just! never open it!#because if Im the one playing it then i have to pay attention and i get scared#but if im watching a lets player i just naturally pay attention without the pressure#ive talked before how i always feel i need to have the smart cool takes on shit#n this deep plays into that#idk boti was good for me bcos nobody fucking knew what it was so nobody could judge me for pardoning anotsu's crimes bcos he was hot#so i probs need to do that again#yknow a thing where i disconnect from anything that anyone knows about and get really really into some dipshit manga from 2008#but also like. i get a lot of my media recs from people talking abt what they like#which then means i defacto have someone who is gonna know if my takes are shit#and like even now. im watching mop cycle w dri and im having fun w it#but i feel bad bcos i see so many ppl like This Is The Best Anime Ever and i just like. dont get it#like i can actively feel the messages and shit whooshing over my head#its a fine anime! i'm having fun watching it! but i don't get all the commentary abt pacifism or whatever#idk. something something my need to be The Smart Kid The Bookworm Kid that went unchecked too long without peers to challenge me#so now im here like Uh Oh#and like this wouldnt be the end of the world (save for its impact on my mood n stuff)#but also like. i am an english student. i should know this shit. but i stragiht up do not feel smart enough to sometimes#i keep coasting by on the assumption that im a smart kid and i'll automatically be better than my peers#and im being disproven#i got an english exam back tonight and i got like 63%#and i like college! i just dont like. college.#anywho its approaching 3am and i have a 9am tomorrow morning which means bedtime
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fingertipsmp3 · 6 months ago
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Ughhhhhhh I hate writing and I hate not writing and I hate myself
#nearly bought a digital typewriter today. actually i DID buy a digital typewriter today. officially yes i have bought a digital typewriter.#the money for the digital typewriter has left my account but i have emailed them to cancel the order because i can't in good faith buy#a digital typewriter when i don't fucking WRITE#i thought it might help me get back into it. distraction free and while allowing me to not judge my own writing#and be continuously editing while i write and going 'i'm crap i'm crap i'm crap no one will ever read this and if they do they will think#that i'm garbage and that i should feel bad etc etc etc'#but it's too expensive and i have the feeling i wouldn't even like or use the thing once i got it#because the IDEAS! the ideas aren't coming to me. or rather they are but none of them seem to stick#i feel underconfident in writing any of them#and then i have old projects that i've always wanted to get back to like the tennis romance thing but SO much has changed since i first#started drafting it. like i don't even know if i like the main couple anymore. i kind of want to put both of them with different OCs of min#but it'd switch up the WHOLE story if i had a different cast#in fact most of the problem lies in the fact that i have this long-running bedtime story i tell myself every night with lore#and a massive cast of characters that i switch out depending on who i'm most interested in right now and every so often i incorporate new#themes and ideas and motifs and plot points sometimes based on media i've been watching because it's MY bedtime story and it doesn't matter#if i plagiarise in my own brain. but then obviously i can't plagiarise in real life#and none of my bedtime stories are GOING anywhere. sometimes i only get through a scene or two before i fall asleep#all of which means my bedtime story is not so much a sweeping epic novel but a sitcom with way too many characters#most of which are werewolves to be honest and sometimes for my own wish fulfilment one of them will walk out of my head#and take care of my problems for me by lending me £1million or murdering my best friend's ex. in my mind obviously#so it's like. it's a case of getting in there and annexing off the stuff i think i can use#it's like yeah i've definitely written several romance novels in my head in the process of this but does it matter if they're IN my HEAD#to be honest i feel like my main strength is in creating characters. like i have this one family of werewolves i've been slowly but surely#adding members to since i was like 16. maybe younger? no yeah i think i made the first one when i was 12#they're compelling to ME anyway. i care about them. it's just PLOTS. i can't plot#if a book could just be a lot of dialogue and sex scenes and silly moments and character studies i'd be alright#i also can't describe settings. don't ask me to because i can't#and now i'm just annoyed with myself because i sat down at my laptop to try to write and instead i'm here complaining about how i don't wri#and if i had the digital typewriter... i mean i'd probably still be doing this i'd just no longer have £300#i don't have the £300 anyway. i hope to christ they refund my card i'm a fucking idiot
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tokyo-daaaamn-ji-gang · 2 years ago
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It's me, anon that is devastated that I might die before hearing sanzu's voice. I came to the realization that it's gonna take even longer to hear waka's voice!!!!! What am I gonna do with my life ??!!???!?! I can't live in this conditions
Sanzu is still my number 1 priority and with izana I'm pretty sure we will hear him at the end of this season??? Hopefully 😭😭
But waka??? I need to hear his voice too, I need to hear their voices, this is so unfair 😫
Shall we try and figure it out??? Ok so season 1 of tokyo revengers released in April 2021 and ran to September 2021 compared to season 2 which released in January 2023 and is due to end on the 1st of April (omg I just realised how close that is). That gives us 1 year and 2 months between seasons and an average of 5 months per season. If the next few seasons follow that pattern then we'll get season 3 in July 2024 to December 2024 which will probably just cover Tenjiku and maybe the bonten future. And then we'll get season 4 in February 2026 to June 2026 which will probably be the battle of three deities (honestly could include the final fight too maybe??? Or i could see them doing the prep for the final fight and then turning the final fight into a movie or it's own season idk but if there is another one after this we're looking at September 2027). Which means if we follow this pattern and there are 0 delays we should see Wakasa in about 3 years time! Guess we're waiting a while 🤷🏼‍♀️
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vilelittlecritter · 2 years ago
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Me: "I don't like people, I prefer being on my own and not talking"
People: "oh okay we'll leave you be then"
Me: "wait no PLEASE COME BACK I WANT LOVE-"
#its not that i dont like people. its just that i have resorted to avoiding people out of habit and a sense that i make things worse#like its not that i DON'T want to message my friend. its just that I cant bring myself to since i usually dont#ha ha ha. god i am desperate to just speak to people but I want to be left alone and im scared of people turning out to be mean#i kinda feel like crying when i see people say how they love their friends and cuddle up with them and have fun#lol one of my old best friends caused me to have awful anxiety about myself because he judged and made fun of ke constantly#oh yeah and that other time after i broke up with a friend because we stupidly decided to try and date and it didnt go well#the bastard asked the person out that night. they said no because they aren't an ass or dumb. god i should have left him when he said that#oh yeah he also made fun of my sunny cosplay i did and then left me alone in the comic con crowd for half an hour#as someone with anxiety that fucked me up just a little#so yeah bad past friendships and terrible social skills have left me to just go lol cant get hurt if i dont have friends!#ha ha. this is agony.#i have like one actaul friend i talk to and she's going through some stuff and wants to be left alone#which is understandable but now I'm talking to absolutely no one#also even if i were to talk to people i just feel i make things worse#i feel like im obnoxious and weird constantly and I'm sobscsred that people are going to think I'm creepy#its not that im doing anything super weird its just that with my autism I can get overly excited and start rambling and not thinking#yet another reason why I've chosen to stop speaking as much#im also just really snappy sometimes#I remember a while ago someone i was kinda friends with asked me if i was okay and i said i was fine#they kept pushing because they were concerned and no ones ever really done that so i kind of panicked and raised my voice at them#i wasn't angry i just never had someone try and actually pry that deep before other than maybe my parents#they seem like a lovely person but i still feel so horrible for doing that to them#sure i apologises later and they understood but i felt like it was one of the most awful things ive done to someone#i hate even the thought of being cruel or mean and all they were trying to do was help and i snapped at them for it#sorry for being ranty but I'm starting to think im really not okay#I've pondered the idea of possibly having deppression but thats a conversation for my counselor#again sorry for sumoing and ill probably delete this soon#if anyone has read all of this im honestly impressed#personal rambles#vent tag
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adore-gregor · 11 months ago
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soooo
#guys i'm dating someone again 🤭#and i rly hope it works out better this time 🥺#i already think i'm starting to fall for him adgjk#we had a 2nd date this week and it was good#i just feel comfortable around this guy honestly more than with the last one#it's also happening slower like no kiss on the first date lol altough it was good then i'm not mad about it#it makes me feel less pressured#the first date we went on a little walk (actually up a pretty steep hill in the city xd but with a lovely view) and then coffee#2nd date we went for breakfast and i'll probably see him again next week 🥰#and yeah this he's just so sweet and genuine i love that 🥺 i don't feel judged by him and it all feels more effortless#(with the other guy honestly i did at times feel intimidated about how he had his life together and that he'd judge me for mine lol)#also he's much more my type looks wise what i typically like he has such a cute smile and warm eyes 🥰 and also he's reaaaally tall haha#he's over 2m tall to be exact 😆 but not in an intimidating way and i'm also quite tall so i like this fact 🙈#but one thing which was so cute is when we met how his face lit up omg 🥺 and like how he looked at me 🥰#(the other guy was mostly hot in the very athletic fit body way with this one i find him attractive overall and also kind of cute)#and yeah i keep thinking about him and if i should text him but i never really know what to text 😂 i'm the worst texter#at times i don't even text my best friend like it's never personal i'm just better to meet in person hahah#and i'm just much happier these days thinking about him dgjkll 🤭🤭
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bookishfeylin · 2 years ago
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Reality
For @rookthebird. This is like a month late, and I'm so sorry this took so long. But here you go :)
Darkness and shadows and coldness played at the edges of F’s mind as she awoke.
For a moment, F blinked, then sat up, trying to recall… something. Anything. 
But trying to remember was like grasping at smoke—
So F sighed and leaned back against the bed she was propped up in—why was she propped up in bed?— Only for a door across the room to swing wide open, and for a tall man with striking purple eyes, rich golden-brown skin, and jet black hair to stride into the room.
Instinctively, something in her recoiled, but she couldn’t remember why. She couldn’t remember anything.
The man stopped just in front of her bed, and gently grabbed her face, turning her head from side to side to gaze at her with these strange purple eyes of his. “Hello, Feyre, darling.”
Feyre. My name. The thought races through her mind faster than Feyre can comprehend, even as that deep, animalistic part of her screamed in terror again. Run.
So she did. 
She shoved the man away and raced for the doorway, barely reaching it before strong arms found her torso and held her back. Then darkness swept over her mind again, and she screamed.
~~~
The more he played with her mind, the more Feyre remembered. His name was Rhysand. He’d kidnapped her. She was supposed to be… somewhere. That hadn’t come back to her, yet--where home was. What home was.
The memory wasn’t there, not yet, but the faint idea was--of warmth and light and roses. And of a distinct earthen scent. And sharp green eyes. But it never materialized further than that--further than smells, feelings. 
Home was someone, Feyre had eventually realized, but that someone was missing. Like all memory of that person had been ripped from her mind somehow.
Still, as Rhysand entered her room again, and Feyre braced herself for his inevitable intrusions into her mind again, Feyre held the shreds she could remember close to her heart.
~~~
As time went on, Feyre lost track of how often Rhysand invaded her mind, of what separated her dreams from her waking moments, and of the differences between Rhysand’s manipulations and reality itself. Sometimes she was home--really, truly home, back in the Spring Court, only to wake up and find Rhysand, scowling over her as he messed with her mind again.
The days and nights blended together. Dreams became reality. And reality became dreams.
So when Feyre woke up in her bed in the Spring, it seemed, naturally, like another dream, another manipulation, of Rhysand’s. 
And when Alis came bustling into the room, crying and fussing about how much weight she’d lost and how little food she’d eaten in Rhysand’s captivity, Feyre barely batted an eye.
And when Nesta and Elain came by to see her the next day, Feyre said nothing. It was unusual for Rhysand to leave her stuck in her own mindspace and amidst her own shattered hopes and dreams for this long, but he’d done it before. It wasn’t unusual.
And when Lucien came by and begged for her to talk, three days later, she said nothing. Rhysand had done this before, disguising himself as her friends and family in dreams in an attempt to get information from her. 
And when Tamlin visited her one week afterwards, claiming he and the other High Lord had invaded the Night Court and successfully captured and dethroned Rhysand, Feyre shrugged, knowing it was too good a dream to be true.
But one week turned into two. And two weeks turned to four. And four weeks turned to eight. And she was still here.
And at the end of the eighth week, as Feyre lay beside Tamlin in bed, it finally sunk in that she was--- she was free. This wasn’t some lie, some vision, some dream. This was real. Her heart shattered, and then healed over all at once. 
And as she sobbed in bed, Tamlin sat up and held her close, wondering what had caused Feyre to break 2 months of imposed silence. 
“I’m home,” she finally said. “Home.”
This was reality. And she was home.
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