#I did briefly go out in the backyard with the dog yesterday but kinda a pain

[miss-floral-thief]

Wish these pockets were deeper I hate wearing jeans

[puddingboots1]

titus talk

hey, dont think i said anything about this here, still havent said anything Official anywhere else (except maybe twitter, not sure tbh)

my dog titus passed away on may 16th, 2018.

i had a lot of things to say, i still do. i wrote this on the 21st, it was an explanation to a friend. at the end i will put part of something i said to a friend on the 17th. this is an INCREDIBLY long and honestly depressing post so, be prepared if you do decide to read it.

titus went in for surgery mmmmonday? or tuesday. to get the mass on his leg biopsied, to see what it was. it was like a lipoma i guess?? but there were tons of blood vessels n stuff too. i didnt quite understand. when they opened his leg to get the sample he started bleeding out, and they packed him full of gauze and such. he was stable, levels and vitals were all totally cool. they took him in for a second surgery to take out all of the gauze and to clamp off the artery that was bleeding. he was totally ok through that too. everything was going good until he was coming out of anesthesia. his heart just. stopped. they did cpr on him for 5-7 minutes but its a general “rule” i guess that anything after 3 is just. gone. they said there werent any irregular heart rhythms before it happened.

i drove home yesterday at 2:30 and my dad drove by me on the way and said “i need you at home” like, ok. i didnt think anything of it at the time. so gavin is home too cause hes out of school at normal middle school time, we all get in the truck since its raining super hard and the jeep in not good in the rain. dad gets up to the top of the hill where the stop sign is and he starts explaining what happened and he says “he didnt make it” and i lost it. the first thing i said was “FUCK.” how eloquent. we got to the vets and i have never seen my mom crying so hard. it was one of the scariest things, like i dont want to see it again, i know i will, but it made my stomach churn like i wanted to get ill upset me kinda what the fuck sad feeling yknow? they took us into the “comfort room” which was not at all comforting. they had someone briefly come in and talk to us, i dont remember a lot of it even though it was yesterday.

they wheeled him in on the table with a black, grey, and white southwestern woven rug/tapestry thing covering everything below his neck, his front two paws were out though.

i sat on the couch for what felt like an eternity before i got up and walked over to him and my family. his eyes were closed and i wanted to see his blue eyes again but i knew i couldnt. i held his paw for a second but i had to let go because i noticed how cold he was and i hated it, i can still feel it and i dont like it. i didnt realize it until earlier today while i was at work but i didnt see him breathing and now like its even worse to me, as if it werent bad enough.

we knew he was going into surgery and we were worried he was going to lose his leg, not his life.

i just miss him so fuckin much. all of his stuff is already gone from downstairs, the rug leading to the dog door is out in the garage since it didnt really have a purpose for us, it was for him

this is another conversation, during a simple and gentle in nature game.

things i love: i love titus, i love how happy he made my family, i love the way he looked in the snow, i love the way he sang when gavin played the drums, i love the way he ran kinda funny when you would step at him in the backyard, i love the way hed just sit there with me if i needed to sit there and do nothing for a little while, i love that he never walked on hardwood floors, i love that i had someone to say goodbye to every morning at 5:30am, i love that even though his breath smelled so bad he would look at me in the passenger seat of the truck when we were driving him to puppy playhouse, i love how sweet he was, i love titus. i love him so much and this hurts so fucking bad.

its around 1am on the beginning of the 64th day without him and it is still so hard to think about him, let alone talk about him. he was THE best dog, especially for my family. 

he was born in june of 2011. we got him from a backyard breeder who lived across the street (because fernley is shady as fuck). my mom had to make meals specifically for him because his stomach was so sensitive. she jokes around about it now saying “he was eating better than the rest of my family” and honestly he was. it was rice, chicken, various vegetables. we finally found out the costco brand dog food in the red bag was ok for him to eat, his stomach wasnt upset with it. we got to watch him grow and change in temperament through the years. he was very calm in almost everything he did, except singing with the drums and running around like a dork when youd step at him. 

although he was calm, he was so fuckin anxious. car rides were the worst for him, lots of shaking and panting. i always, and still do, feel bad about that. he wasnt any better at the vets, he would do that weird “talking” thing huskies do whenever there was another dog or a cat in the waiting area. i got super frustrated when he did that but i know i shouldnt have been so mad about it. he was an “only dog”. kinda like an only child but. dog form. we had two other dogs with him and he got super depressed, burnt out after a while. he didnt like the constant company. pepper was super sweet, i still dont know what kind of dog she was, probably some kind of short haired pointer mix. avery was another husky and she just happened to be from the same neighbor, they were half siblings.

every single time it has rained since may 16th, it has been titus crying in my head. there was a thunderstorm, god last week? it was raining so hard, lightning almost in our backyard, close enough i could smell it before we had to literally run inside. the entire time i thought about him, how upset he must be. i know it was not him but in my mind it was.

he was such a good dog and i miss him tremendously. (honestly, i have cried a lot while writing and copy-pasting the messages.)

currently my family is waiting for a litter of goldendoodles to be born, from a breeder we know through mutual friends. 

i have never been more reluctant about anything animal related. i was so angry when my mom started seriously looking, my dad and brother were on board almost immediately. grief is weird, i think. you have the 5 stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. they are never in the same order for any person, and thats the hard part. its difficult to know what comes next in the stages. im definitely not to acceptance yet, i know it will come eventually but im not sure how long it will be. with borderline personality disorder its fucking hard to control my emotions and it feels like garbage, especially from may to right now. i havent felt this bad since my junior year of high school, and that year i almost died! im not contemplating or taking any action currently but i am scared it could come again because it has happened before. 

titus was the greatest dog i could have ever hoped for, he was gone way too soon. i love him with all my heart and i would give anything to have just one last day with him.

if youve made it this far, thank you for reading this, it means a lot.