#I cried reading it and i cried going to get screenshots to show my friend

[frobby]

No home is a beautiful piece of media, of literature, of art. It started beautiful, it stayed beautiful and it will end beautiful. A case study on grief, on loss, on the death of childhood, on the betterment of yourself, on recovery, on friendship and on moving forward.

I am not sad that no home is going to end for i appriciate what it brought to me. Every chapter was meaningful and worth reading and its ending at the exact place it should.

Thank you wanan, thank you no home for letting me read you

[galedekarios]

more gale & tara epilogue stuff

tara's epilogue conversation is so extremely devastating if gale sacrificed himself. since i can't bring myself to play it, i thought i'd look at it in the files and share what i find here.

tara can be found at camp and this is how the conversation with the player begins:

Tara the Tressym: Oh, hello, darling. I was hoping to see you. Withers informed me about this little get-together and I thought I'd show my whiskers.devnote Tara the Tressym: I can almost feel Gale here. Among his friends - in you. Some part of him remains, doesn't it? devnote: Gale has died so she's very sad and nostalgic.

this devnote is repeated for almost every line for tara in this convo.

from here, the player has various options to reply. i'll be going through them in order.

the first is one where the player points out the magically conjured image of himself that gale left behind in case of his permanent death:

Player: Well, his magical ghost is still here, if that's what you mean. Tara the Tressym: That thing's no more than a shadow of the real man. A nonsense. Though it captures some of his more insufferable qualities...

the second option is the player saying that they are feeling something similar, a presence that reminds them of gale:

Player: It does, Tara. I can feel his presence too. Tara the Tressym: A crackling in the air, isn't it? That flair of magic and mischief.

despite the tragedy of it all, i do love tara describing gale's presence as 'that flair of magic and mischief'. it's so very sweet and sad, especially remembering just long she's known him.

perhaps here she remembers the boy who accidentally set the rose bush on fire and cried, just as elminster does. or perhaps the boy who summoned a magma mephit, causing chaos, but also making a lifelong friend.

the third option is to tell tara that you miss gale, too, and this honestly made me tear up:

Player: I miss him too, Tara. Tara the Tressym: That's good. We should miss him. He was such a lovely fellow. Proud as a peacock, but... my little love. Tara the Tressym: Oh, what I wouldn't give to snuggle up on his lap one more time. Just once would do. Player: Would a fuss from me make you feel better?

"He was such a lovely fellow. Proud as a peacock, but... my little love."

PROUD AS A PEACOCK BUT... MY LITTLE LOVE

M Y L I T T L E L O V E

this is obviously completely fine so i'll continue with the fourth option:

Player: You can snuggle up in my lap later, if you like. Tara the Tressym: Oh, I couldn't possibly... unless... well, perhaps it's not a terrible idea. Gale would be quite pleased to know we've made friends, wouldn't he?

it's clear that tara needs some comfort. despite her stiff upper lip approach to most news devastating to her and the thin veneer of control she puts on here.

the fifth option is expressing that you know how she feels:

Player: I know how you feel. Tara the Tressym: Ah, to lose the one you love the most. What a terrible thing.

the sixth option is rather callous and tara's response to it once again heartbreaking:

Player: Alas, you can't. Tara the Tressym: No. Not in this life, at least.

the last option again shows tara's true grief at what happened:

Player: He's gone. We have to accept that. Tara the Tressym: I suppose we do. But I certainly wish we didn't.

most of these different options lead to the end of the conversation with tara, where she invites the player to visit her and morena in waterdeep:

Tara the Tressym: Perhaps you'd be willing to come meet Gale's mother, some time? She misses him so - and I know it would do her heart a world of good to discuss her son with someone who knew him as he was.

again, the player has various choices to either accept or refuse her invitation. i won't go through them all and you can read for yourself in the screenshot i provided. but i do want to look at these two options here:

Tara the Tressym: Perhaps you'd be willing to come meet Gale's mother, some time? She misses him so - and I know it would do her heart a world of good to discuss her son with someone who knew him as he was. Player: I'd love to, but I'm leaving Faerûn after tonight. Tara the Tressym: Well if you ever come back do look us up in Waterdeep. Surname 'Dekarios'. I'd enjoy the chance to reminisce about the good man we knew.

i'm once more reminded of that one line in elminster's letter and i feel so sad for morena:

Does he live within his mother’s ageing heart, weeping for those roses? 

2.

Player: I'll consider it. Tara the Tressym: See that you do. We'd love to have you. Things have been rather quiet without himself cluttering up the place.

which made me think about gale's line that his tower has never been so free of clutter ever since he had to deal with his condition.

anyhow, i hope this was interesting to some of you!

[zeondraws]

I always wonder why I have been so busy the past months but then I remember all the things I'm doing with SWTD:

(this is more of a thought post about my life/thoughts/feelings than a lore post! Ignore if you are not interested in this, I don't mind)

Taking Screenshots

Multiple recording sessions (for audio or funny moments, and so on)

Multiple playthroughs of the game

Doing an AU for some reason

Drawing the characters (much art)

Also learning how to use procreate, while my big tablet is packed away until November

Working on a video project

Learning how to use OBS

Datamining the gamefiles for more info with fmodel

troubleshooting fmodel because it's showing me the middle finger for the billionth time

learning how to use a dumper to get mappings file (to view files in fmodel)

learning how to install mods and learn how to use them

troubleshooting my pc or laptop because of my silly shenanigans

rebuilding the models in blender while simultaneously watching blender tutorials to understand what the hell I'm doing

read about TCR's other games and play them (I still have to play Little Orpheus)

Trying to research movies or any blogpost/YouTube posts regarding the game

Other types of research that I can't think of right now

Sharing results with others and discuss the findings to figure lore out

confusedscreaming.mp4

????

It has a lot of reasons why I am super determined and stubborn? when it comes to something I'm passionate about. (It's really hard to explain)

Family always dismissed my hobbies and didn't support me much for them. They often gave me false promises and made me wait for nothing

Often treating me like a baby, as if I can't think for myself. I had to fight a lot for my passions the past decade or so. Even dealing with a former coworker who was very manipulative and tried very hard to belittle me.

I can't even explain all the stress I had to endure because of my old job. Constantly monitored for mistakes, constantly shoved to a corner, freedom taken away, bullied, my feelings had been manipulated so much that I just.. had entire months where I cried every single day. And I'm not even kidding, I went to work in fear, I walked home in fear, I woke up in fear. I still remember that evening where I was so afraid of everything. I was so scared to even be in my apartment, I just balled my eyes out because it was too much at that moment.

Only thing that kept me going was my determination, hope.. daydreams. . and seeking out help (therapy, friends) and using the anger I felt for my coworker to work on my art/passions and show myself that I'm not worthless.

Sometimes my coworker would treat me badly on some days, so after I went home I used my anger and sadness to make art. Even if I sat there drawing for 5h. It did help me to improve a ton in my skills.

I think that event made me go through this journey of? self reflection and growth. It's wild how much happened after that.

Family wasn't helpful in this painful time period, one told me I'll end up alone, that I shouldn't talk to people online or that I should be happy to have a job (Talking to family is like talking to a wall). Or another family member who tries so hard to treat me like an object.

It fills me with anger, but they're all I've got. I thankfully have many friends I can go to when needed, but I wouldn't be able to fully abandon my family. It's probably because I felt so down when my mother passed away over two years ago. I haven't talked to her in years because of her mental condition, but her passing hit me badly.

I have struggled for a while to work on other skillsets because I was too afraid, doing videos, blender, drawing humans idk why, maybe no confidence in myself to try it out

.. Suddenly swtd gets released and my head does a 360 and is like "I'm going to learn all of this now, hold my bear". Using my obsession about this game to learn something new, which helped me overcome so many hurdles. Like the amount of times I threw myself out of my comfort zone while I tried to fiddle with the game.

Like, look at the difference in my human art

This is the first time I drew Muir like.. I forgot when I drew this, two months ago?

And then like this is from a few days ago

... *compares* I don't know how to explain the difference, I think there is one-

Like,. It's hard to compliment myself because of the sheer amount of stress I endured over the year. I've been out of the old job for 3 weeks now. I'm so glad I'm out of there.

I remember how I always wanted to draw an entire dragon, not just a bust. And look I ended up drawing one!! Ok with Roper's head but yea!

I think family difficulties and other events made me feel very detached from others. I never felt/feel like I belong anywhere. I moved so often that this feeling persisted. And it may persist for who knows how long. I only recently got a diagnosis, I have a form of depression, but it's somewhat mild. Hence why I'm still able to perform in daily tasks and work. Tho I don't want to use my condition as an excuse, I rather just want to show that I'm capable of something. That even people who struggle mentally can find success in what they do.

Life throws so many hurdles but I think I am slowly used to living in the chaotic environment. I keep drawing and work on my hobbies while I wait to move apartments.

I try very hard to change my mindset even tho my mind had been so used to the negative spirals. But I try to stay determined and keep on learning. I am not all knowing and I need to remember that mistakes are ok and that I need them to keep learning and have progress.

I've been pushing aside so many thoughts while I messed with the game. Even tho it's 2AM I needed a quiet moment to think about it all.

I am very open with my thoughts and feelings, it's what I usually do on my Instagram account when I post my art.

Tomorrow is another day to learn something new.

[adhdo5]

oh I am interested to ask if you had any spoilers when reading/watching mdzs the first time? especially did you already know _the thing_ with nie huaisang like you did with junwu or not?

also as I already said I really love your art your style is absolutely perfect >>>>>

Okay second query first THANK YOUUUUU I am so . Ahwhwhdhegegeg ;w; tht my Images are well received in the world

And first query second: I didn't! I went into CQL pretty much entirely blind –and really bc I knew it was in Mandarin and my friends were doing a watch party so I was like Oh I'll hang out and get some listening practice in! – and I had some REALLY good experiences for it. I did not even suspect the Thing with NHS and the friends I was watch partying with had a BLAST about this it was so funny reading the thread rewatchers were talking in after we finished the series bc I immediately LIKED NHS and I was going Omg yay NHS my perfect meetup boy right up until the Reveal during which I was like OH MY GOD???? MY PERFECT MEETUP BOY!!!!!!! and by god I've been Xiyao posting too much I need to NHS post again I love that guy so MUCH he's a solid favorite character contender and the first I recognized

The only thing I was ~spoiled on was Meng Yao getting a new name bc one of my friends slipped up and called him JGY once and I saw it before they edited the message, and that's only a spoiler in CQL (though tbh I prefer the pacing of how CQL introduces you to JGY, hot take; it's probably in solid part because I was show-first and am just biased toward the thing I knew first, but also the thing is . It was SO fun to meet and get attached to Meng Yao and then see him do more and more fucked up things and go UM . WHAT THE FUCK. literally Lan Xichen simulator)

More fun things from watching CQL blind

I fully bought the core misdirection, in part because I was kind of confused as to what was going on the whole time

When we started I was like "this is fun and charming! I like these characters and such I'm interested in seeing where this goes, though this isn't Seizing me like a new Thing or like Hannibal did it's not lifechanging" And then we got to Lotus Pier arc, and for like three days of episodes in a row (we would watch 2 eps a day) I cried every single time,and then I was like HEY GUYS... I THINK THIS IS LIFE CHANGING NOW

When we finally got out of the time skip I did some speculation as to who died and in fact called that it was Nie Mingjue because in terms of status quo changes "NHS is sect leader now" would function and give NHS something to do that he didn't have otherwise and NMJ was the most narratively killable

After WWX got stabbed at Carp Tower I was genuinely very afraid for a second that she was going to actually die for real, and my friends were like THIS IS A ROMANCE THEY HAVEN'T EVEN CONFESSED?? and I was like YEAH BUT WHAT IF THEY FINALLY CONFESS AND SHE SUCCUMBS TO HER INJURIES IN LWJ'S ARMS OR SOMETHING!!! IT'S SAD AND I'M SCARED??? and had to be assured that it's in fact not the kind of romance where Anyone Can Die™ and happy ending for the main couple is genre guaranteed. But there's a canon divergence idea for you

Before we watched the finale I speculated FURIOUSLY as to who was going to die. Hang on lemme get screenshots

I also remember saying something along the lines of specifically "I'm scared that Jin Guangyao is going to merc Lan Xichen and NO ONE is going to be happy about that, least of all Jin Guangyao" but I can't find it. Kind of yuri of absence about the actual Xiyao ending. Sorry I'm frenzying I just checked the clock and I have an hour to eat breakfast before we watch the finale

Bonus:

[teddybeartoji]

MICKEYYYYYYY WDYMMMMMMMMMMM SUGU SELFSHIP??????? MISU???????????? 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 I CRIED . IT’S SO CUTW I NEED TO MARRY YOU BOTH!!!!!! holding both your hands so very gently………….

cracks knuckles . anyway i have some questions 😇 how does suguru show you that he loves you? (through words or otherwise?) and how do you show him that you love him?? :3 do you have any pets? any regular date spots???

ALSO . which of his clothes do you like to steal most……. i know you steal them it’s okay we all do. it’s a sugu selfship staple . he’ll just have to deal with it bc he loves us <33333

ARIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII:333333333333333333333 EEEEHEHHEHEHEE THIS IS SOOO FUCKING EXCITINGGGG MISU IS FINALLY HEREE!!!! i am already letting you know that this uhh.. will be long lmao get something to drink get something to eat and enjooyy:333

okok so first things first!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! like i already spilled to you in dms - this is a little college roomie au okay. just a little 20something mickey and just a little 20something suguru suffering from sleepless nights together<33333 i am one hundred percent going with the literature major suguru bc oh my god that feels just so so fucking right. he also has a part-time job at a little bookstore/cafe place!!!! i often hang out there too just bc it's such a cozy little spot,, there isn't too many people and he gets to put on his own playlist!!!!

i think (saying this abt my own alleged relationship btw) we're not actually a couple yet yk?? there's just a lot going on overall aaand so we just do what feels comfortable. we're very very close!!!!!!!!!! liike i often sleep in his bed bc i sleep better when i do it with someone/ around someone. and this btw makes me feel kinda bad bc he still can't sleep.. i like to think that he might catch just a few more zzz's with me there but ahhh.. he tells me that he does too but he really isn't the best liar.

oh my sad little meow meow:((((( this is literally him but yk add a few years

ok anyway so yesterday when i was thinking about what exactly misu is the miguel series popped into my head. it's called rigor mortis and it's done by the lovely @/loganlermanstanaccount!!! i'm not basing misu off of that i genuinely think they're kind of two sides of the same coin if that makes sense. to put it shortly the series is abt a reader who is going through a very hard breakup and miguel who is dealing with grief. they're both clearly going through things but that's kind of what makes them bond and that's what connects them. i know your tbr is long too and you have stuff to do so i'll just pluck out a snippet for you because the writing is just fucking incredible. i was literally up every wednesday to read the new parts lmao this series was also one of the things that inspired me the most

this is a snippet from the third part - they were here, she says (sorry i had to take screenshots bc tumblr quite literally just didn't allow me to type it all out smhh)

this is just really reminds me of suguru. sorry this really is a lot lmao imagine asking abt a selfship and getting a novel back about something different pls this is the loserville way okay. but yeah i just think it goes really well with my little roomie suguru (and me i guess). different types of grief but somehow it's all the same.

AAANYWAYY NOW TO YOUR ACTUAL QUESTIONS😭😭😭 a romantic relation ship or not.. suguru let's me know he cares through acts of service!!!!!! like grocery shopping and just getting me a little treat every time he goes out yk? i mean overall we both do the laundry together but he just gets to it faster than i do,, he takes care of my clothes and his without a second thought. he really is a malewife through and through damn...

and i show my appreciation by being a little clingy. HEARRR ME OUTTTTTTT LISTEN LISTEN LISTENNNNNNN though he likes to act all tough and shit (smhhh) we all know he likes the attention. and he's so used to satoru being clingy too (btw oh my god mitoru as best friends<333333333333) so when i kind of follow him around too, he feels more like at home yk? it's not necessarily even physical touch, at least not at first but just that i keep sitting in the same room with him. kind of like parallel play. i think he really likes the company even if it's just the two of us sitting in silence. liiike he's having a smoke by the window in his room while i'm idk scrolling on tumblr on his bed and it just feels very comfortable.

another love language of ours is listening to music together. i think while yes i listen to a lot of pop too, our tastes are very similar. so taking the public transport while standing side by side while sharing earbuds is very typical for us<333

WAIT ALSOOOOO i am always always always here for turtleneck suguru but.. i think in my head..... this!!!!!!!!!! like eeeespecially the blue jacket one ohhhhh this piece of art has changeeed mee i literally cannot stop thinking about it i really really love the idea of this mm like streetwear type of suguru??? is that what you'd call it idk i'm bad with labels but yeah this is misu's suguru<333333 ari i love him sm he's so boyfriend i mean roomie. oh god wait i have more to say,, his style is soooo so versatile though!!!!!!!! bc while overall i kinda imagine him wearing hoodies (i am. biased), he still does really like turtlenecks. and he has his fair share of long coats. ahhhh he likes to switch it up a lot!!!!!!!!!!! HE'S SO STYLISH I'M SO JEALOUS HE LOOKS SO FUCKING GOOD NO MATTER WHAT HE WEARS THIS IS SO UNFAIRR!!!!!!!!

on the topic of clothes!!!!!!!!! i steal his hoodies>:3333333 constantly. i can't really wear sweaters so those are safe from me but oh... the second i spot a hoodie of his... mwahahaha it is mine now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEY'RE SOOOO FUCKING COMFORTABLEEEEE WHAT THE FUCKKKK AND THEY SMELL SO FUCKING GOOOODDD LIKE I THINK I'M GENUINELY ADDICTED TO WEARING THEMM AAAAAA and yes just like in your little snippet.. he does kind of lose his mind when he seems me in one>:33333333333

SHRIMPMIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! REMEMBER HOW I TOLD U EARLIER THAT I LEAVE HIM OUT OF IT BC I JUST GET TOO SAD AT THE THOUGHT OF LEAVING HIM ALONE AT HOME?? BUT NOW ME AND SUGURU LIVE TOGETHER ANYWAY WHICH MEANS.. THAT I DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE HIM ALONE WHICH MEANS THAT SHRIMPIN IS CANON IN THE MISU UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAA this is so exciting. he loves suguru so much. and sugu finds it so funny when i try to act like that doesn't bother me😒😒😒 and every time i let the little beast gnaw on my hand (he is feral.) suguru scolds me and it's uhh kind of hot ngl like he comes over to make shrimp stop while grabbing my wrist and taking my hand away yeah i die a little every time i won't even lie

now... since....... i am on a roll (rip ari)............. i definitely fall faster btw. uhm like stupidly fast but i don't think anyone is surprised here..... but idk he's just a little bit scary in a way that i just simply could never make the first move...................................... he's literally just so handsome and so great i feel weak okay don't judge me (i know you understand) buuuuut i don't think he'd actually take too long to mmm grow fond of me either.. he is not as strong as he thinks he is.

i also need to talk about mitoru as best friend i just have to. mitoru is always meant to be no matter what universe okay we are Connected. he comes over SOOOOOOOOOOO OFTENNN he almost lives here too lmao we play video games together a lot<33333333 and suguru does get a little jealous<333333333333 he's so cute. satoru makes so much fun of him btw and i try to.. not think too much abt it or else my heart will explode.

OKAY WAHH I THINK NOW IS ENOUGH THOUGH. ENOUGH OF BLABBERING ON LMAO PLSS MISU JUST MAKES SO MUCH SENSE ACTUALLY I KIND OF DO FEEL BAD ABOUT NOT MAKING THIS INTO A THING SOONERR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INDULGING ME AS ALWAYS ARI!!!!! IT LITERALLY MEANS SOOO SO MUCH TO MEEE AND THANK YOU FOR READING THROUGH ALL THIS😭😭😭😭😭😭 I LOVE YOU SOOOSO MUCH I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING SUCH A LOVELY DAY PLEASE REMEMBER TO EAT AND DRINK WATER AND REST!!!!!!!!! PLEASE SMILE LOTS N LOTS N LOTS AND PLEASE REMEMBER THAT MISU LOVES YOU SOOOO SO SOOOOOO FUCKING BADD<3333333

[aprillikesthings]

I have the house to myself because people are at a sportsball party

So what else would I do but keep watching spop amiright

s1 ep8 lez go

YES IT'S PRINCESS PROM AHAHAHAH

Oh, that explains why (in a muuuuuuch later episode) there's that little ideal future and they're at Scorpia's ball (iirc)

Catra: I NEED TO BE IN CHARGE Scorpia: party!

Poor Scorpia

Catra: giving a passionate-if-faked pep talk to Scorpia (like I get she's manipulating Scorpia here into going to the party, but it's still the kind of thing Scorpia should hear!) Also Catra: still real mad about Adora!!!

I cackled, y'all. CACKLED.

I mean she's...not wrong...

Okay I know it's just how this kind of show works and isn't important but it implies the Ball is known about for years in advance, but the invites only actually go out like a day or two before?? IRL that would be such a disaster because they don't even know the theme until they get the invite. The sheer amount of logistics/planning attending something like this, including the outfits...

This was intended to be Lolita fashion and you can't convince me otherwise

Also CATRA. They intentionally made her look so, so gay and hot.

Same, Catra. Same.

Adora (to the weapons-check person): be careful with it, don't lean it on something with the other swords or it might get confused!!!

Poor Adora. I suppose if I had an object that made me both popular and nearly invincible I'd be upset and worried to be separated from it, too.

It's Molly and Nate!!!

🎶Just like the viiiiine🎵

I love that we know these characters enough that they can just say a couple of lines here and imply a ton more. Anyway Mermista's outfit is great.

This is literally their entire dynamic. They're clearly together, Sea Hawk is loud about it, Mermista is (mostly) pretending to hate it.

Sorry this is shot is just great

Glimmer's jealousy (over Bow coming to the ball with Perfuma) is SO ANNOYING and I know that's on purpose but boy do I hate most "jealousy makes them obnoxious" plots

ANYWAY one small note: you can tell their budget for this episode is just not very high, because the characters in the background are so often not moving or only moving like one thing.

Oh hey, Netossa and Spinerella! (...and Molly again lol)

"Bow isn't the type to just leave his old friends behind, and neither am--" *Scorpia and Catra walk in*

DIDN'T THINK YOU'D SEE HER HERE, HUH, DIDJA

I can't screenshot this bit but it's so good:

Catra, in her most fake-gentleman voice: I love rules and obey them all the time Adora in the most high-pitched voice possible: YOU DO NOOOOT

🎶Every move you make And every vow you break Every smile you fake Every claim you stake I'll be watching you🎵

...I'm showing my age again. But also I'm looking at the lyrics and ngl they nearly all fit. If I knew how to make fanvids, I could make a vid that like ten people would watch.

Instead I'm working on a fic like ten people will read, heyoooo

*cries*

BACK TO THE GAYS PRINCESS PROM

is there crack-y pwp of this please say yes

Once again reminded of that fanvid of every time they say each other's names in the first two seasons

Literally cannot see Adora opening that without the "bah-dm tsh!" sound affect in my head from watching that video so many fucking times

Bow is so delightfully emotionally intelligent

Entrapta: have you met my new assistant? She brought snacks.

When Entrapta said "assistant" Catra's ears literally did a wiggle. Oh my gooooood

"she stole my food and asked me to spy on people with her,

lolol

once again whether the sword is actually sharp-edged or not is entirely dependent on plot

Scorpia is unreasonably hot sometimes

im gonna chew my fingers off ghgha;lksdhka;

I remember the screenshots/gifs of this scene hitting tumblr--that moment when every hopeful sapphic fan watching the show when it released went OKAY WAIT we're not making shit up this time are we??? ARE WE???

Also at least one person working on this show likes period dramas where tons of emotional plot happens during extremely formal dances where everyone is barely touching

there's nearly a billion gifs of that scene from one of the versions of Pride and Prejudice, but also:

once again proving my advanced age, this movie came out when I was 17 and side note I'm the same age as Claire Danes, anyhoodle

Has Adora been dancing Lead this whole time

HNNNNGNGHGHGHHHHHH IT'S SO GOOD

EXTREMELY UNDIGNIFIED NOISES Adora literally has one thigh between Catra's gghngng

i want to EAT IT

I'VE HIT THE IMAGE LIMIT FOR THIS POST LOLOL i don't wanna cut any out imma post this and then reblog it

[inventedfangirling]

finished the gem that was 55:15 never too late :')

just finished 55:15 never too late and oh my god what a gem of a show!!! im so so so so glad i watched it.

i decided to give it a go just for nanon and khao but the show gave me so much more than them. idk why it took me till the last two episodes to get just how much emphasis the show was putting on the importance of friendships/ the platonic bonds in one's life, truly i can't think of the last time (probably heartstopper s2) where there was just so much beautiful expressions and forms of platonic bonds- the bonds between the 5 main leads (especially jaya and songphon, but also san and thep), songphon and mathee (from mathee's side it was platonic :3), songphon and his niece, jaruni and her father, jaruni's father and bomb, thep and his son, thep's son and san, thep and san, jaya and her manager -that you are my everything moment was really EVERYTHING to me.

as my usual practice of sharing my umpteen screenshots here's my most fav platonic moments from the last two episodes :')

who let him out of my pocket ughhhh songphon/paul one of my fav characters of all time now

one thing i've found it hard to come by in the shows i've been watching recently (bl dramas, mostly thai) is how there is next to no male interaction with women, and if there is, the bonds are very superficial or they stick to certain "acceptable" rules. so you could imagine my shock when i saw this scene of jaya sleeping soundly next to paul on the same bed. it is objectively a very normal/inane thing. but we just NEVER get representation of men and women simply being and existing as friends and doing friend things like sometimes sleeping in the same bed with the friend's pic on a frame that you're hugging (WHAT! ITS NORMAL), and so it really shook me. i love their bond so much :')

CUTIEEES.

also this moment...

as a person who genuinely believes that friendship >>>>>>>>>> every other relationship, seeing these words uttered between two lifelong friends made me tear up and HOW!! one of the most special things ive seen on media.

also not lost on me how my two most favourite platonic moments featured jaya who is the only character who isnt given a romantic storyline/sideplot/spouse. also point to note that jaya and paul are the only two characters who didn't get a traditional "romantic ending/closure" and they ended up getting such beautiful expressions of platonic love. LOVE that for them :')

that being said i cried at the part where phiphu read paul's letter and they put that montage of them laughing over it like HOW DARE THEY

i'm sorry but the mirroring in expressions drove me insane on first sight itself

eventho i found their love difficult to fully enjoy cos of the nature of it, this scene was just too beautiful not to love and im so glad paul got to express it

also khao looked so ADORABLE here i almost burst into tears not kidding!!!!

not to end the post without a nanon face appreciation pic- he was excellent throughout the show as expected and particularly in a fantastic scene in the finale episode that very few people could have pulled off like he did, what a frickin treasure he is.

bless his puppy eyes nose dimples cheek smile <3

to conclude what i wanna say, i wanna reiterate once again how i really REAAAAALLY enjoyed the show through and through

and while this mostly typo free post wont probably be making it obvious but im writing through tears, it was such a wonderful thing to experience. idk if and how much i would rewatch it but i think it's right up there with some of the best shows ive watched ever.

HIGHLY RECOMMENDED.

[heldenraider]

Tags and something what I like. Photo ‎ | Pseudo-Art Tag | Screenshots | Archive If you want to describe a person, do it through media. I really adore video game soundtracks and want to share these as they are a huge, formative part of my life. Post just by myself to yourself .・゜゜・　 　・゜゜・．.・゜゜・　　 ・゜゜・．.・゜゜・ Celeste has an incredibly appealing vibe and an enticing story, the appealing characters and smooth gameplay gave a great experience, and the music threw goosebumps every single time. .｡*ﾟ+.*.｡　　　ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡　　　ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+.｡*ﾟ+.*.｡　　　ﾟ+..｡*ﾟ+

Avicii Invector gave me a new musician in playlist, and more familiarity with his history, racing rhythm style was perfect, and over the years the game has become better, getting rid of bugs and visual problems. Rest in peace Tim. ⭒❃.✮:▹　 　◃:✮.❃⭒

Milk outside a bag of milk was in the right place at the right time, made me think about many moments of anxiety and shyness, stepping out of the circle of sad thoughts and lighting up my room in blood red color… The music in it shares a similar enveloping experience, so foreign but pleasant and relaxing. ⋆┈┈｡ﾟ ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ❁ུ۪ ❃ུ۪ ❀ུ۪ ﾟ｡┈┈⋆

Minecraft, Pigstep… Lena Rain again? Did you ever play minecraft on your phones on LAN in school? It was a great time, we showed each other buildings, farmed together, sometimes skipped school to do something in minecraft….. But why this particular soundtrack, since those versions didn't have it… I really like C418's music and I respect his work, but among artists in the genre of video game soundtracks, Lena Raine is my favorite. And the jazzy version by insaneintherain reminds me of those very atmospheric school days more than any other. ・‥…━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆☆☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━…‥・

Dying Light, first scary game that I met on a friend's computer, soundtrack from menu was in my head for a long time. And what a moment, get out from the shelter at night, knowing about the hunters was very unpleasant. We moved very carefully, tried to avoid any danger, and then everything turned into stealth…. A city plagued by contagion, with no big buildings, a city that not going to get any help…. Soundtrack picked up on all the drama and spun the emotions to a new level. ‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞 ·˙‧̍̊‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞 ·˙‧̍̊‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞 ·˙‧̍̊‧̍̊˙· 𓆝.° ｡˚𓆛˚｡ °.𓆞

Saya no Uta / Song of Saya, Longest novel I've ever read… (yes it's short and?) a strange experience, but extremely repulsive and at the same time attractive visuals, old age and uniqueness of style… The soundtrack bouncing from aggressive, to the calmest of compositions, is exactly the frightening experience that was needed. ⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ 　˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

TheFatRat, and music pack from *sigh* Dota 2... Was chosen because he's my favorite musician, and it's his only work for video games…. Sad choice of course, and the best music pack in the game? I have a negative attitude towards competitive games, but Christian's work makes me happy and I've been waiting for every piece of his art since 2021. I'd like to see more of his music in video games ♩♬♩♪♪♩♬♩♪♩ ♩♪♩♬♬♩♪♩　 　　♩♬♩♬♩♪♩　

Katana Zero - The game features many musicians giving many different emotions, and only the Designer, Programmer, Scriptwriter in one person gave the best and most dramatic soundtrack in the whole game, wonderfully constructed scene, selected written soundtrack. I cried for the first time from a video game at that very moment. I will definitely wait for the DLC, but for now all that's left to play is fan works that try but fail to reach the level of the original.

[deliciousmicroplastics]

for the ask game: every question number divisible by 3

*goes through several hand exercises* here we GO

ask meme here [link]

3. What was the last song you listened to? 

UHHHHH my itunes is saying Astonished Man by Thao & The Get Down Stay Down

6. Do you prefer drawing or writing? 

VASTLY prefer writing but i like showing off my drawings better more, i don't tend to finish and publish all that much writing

9. When is your birthday? 

September 28th, just like Hilary Duff

12. Who are five (or more) people you want to hug right now?

my cat, annizap, zoë, ppl i have super secret crushes on, you if you want one!

also my cat

15. What’s your favorite season?

Usually autumn but last year's was dogshit so spring

18. Who is the last person you texted?

im guessing my mom let me check

...

...

phone froze

okay yeah my mom

21. How was your day today?

had family dinner that through no major fault of my family's i didn't want to go to. so i was kinda binchy abt that for a lot of the day but otherwise eh it was kinda mid. played animal crossing!

24. When was the last time you cried? Why? 

idk but ive been so fucking sad lately so it could've been sometime this week during a negative spiral

27. What’s your favorite book? Or just one you’ve read a few times?

Gideon the Ninth? Watchmen?

30. What are you looking forward to in the near future? 

making brownies for my friends bday it's today but i had family shit so hopefully that can be a tuesday or wednesday activity

33. Do you sleep with your door open or closed?

CLOSEDDDDDDDDD unless the house is empty i don't always wear a shirt to bed

36. Do you like your middle name?

my early 20's name change was more motivated by the bit and i wish i'd gone with something else but it's okay, i just rarely mention it

39. Do you stay up late?

typically, unfortunately

42. Tag 5 of your favorite blogs

hhhhhh but then five people will feel obligated to read this okayok it's fineeeee @jargon-seeds, @salviasjezabel, @inthelandofthewildthings, @dolichomorph, and of course @xollos

45. Is there anyone you would die for? 

id die for my kitty

49. Who’s someone you can trust with your life? 

i'm a distrustful motherfucker so if you ask it like this my instinct is to say NOBODYYYYYY but like ive had to depend on other people for survival frequently

uhhhhh end of post here's something from my screenshots folder

[fghniki]

Images description: A series of short comics.

Image 1: A short comic strip. In the first panel, a boy is banging on the door and saying, "Nikol, I need to use the bathroom". The person behind the door replies, "Gimme a minute!". The boy stands there for a couple of seconds, displeased; but then suddenly starts smiling and knocking on the door multiple times, making a rhythm, and doesn't stop. Just as he's starting to enjoy it, a voice cries out from the bathroom: "I'M DOING MY BEST HERE!". The boy laughs. A caption next to the comic reads, "7 am. As always, Nikol is taking her time preparing for school".

Image 2: A one-panel comic. The boy from the previous strip is sitting on a desk, his face turned red and heavily sweating. Another boy sitting next to him is asking him if he's good. He replies "I',- huff- -fine". Caption below reads, "8 am. We had to run to get to school on time. I hope Nikol slips on a banana peel".

Image 3: A two-panel comic. In the first panel, the protagonist is called out to answer in front of the class. He asks his friend whether he's going to help him. His friend says that he can count on him. In the second panel the protagonist is standing in front of the teacher, looking at his friend showing him a sign with "F" written on it. The teacher, not seeing the friend, is asking the protagonist "Do you really know nothing about halogens?". Caption next to the comic reads, "9 am. I was hit with the realisation that Mitko owes me 20 leva".

Image 4: A drawing of a phone making a "ping sound" while laying on a school notebook. A caption reads, "10 am. Having a normal one in Guardians' gc". Next to it is a fake screenshot taken in a messenger app. Time is 10:18, and the chat is called "Minecraft server". A user called "Krisi" is typing. The dialogue below is as follows: M.: Guys I'm soo sorry, my mom just told me to babysit my sis 😭 so i won't be able to come today. I'm really really sorry 😢😢😢 Krisi: Np, good luck w ur sis Phone user, the protagonist: np. i doubt we’ll have any incidents anyhow, considering wendsday xd dostoevsky's 1868 novel, replying to the protagonist's message: nice spelling shitlord protagonist, replying to their message: i hope your dorm gets infected with cockoraches dostoevsky's 1868 novel: why do you wish such cruel fate upon me dostoevsky's 1868 novel, again: is it because im a woman D.S.: Does anyone know how to disable notifications?

End of images description.

hourlies batch #1 (7-10 am) (tag with all of this year’s hourlies in chronological order) (if it doesn’t work im sorry)

also, because i'm not sure how well it reads for non-bulgarians: here teachers call students out by the number in the class list

[id-rather-be-an-outsider]

Inktober

summary: Carmina Mora finds an interesting challenge on the internet and decides to participate in it.

word count: 625

a/n: I wrote this story as a Valentine’s Day gift for my writing club! Love Miss Carmina 💕

Ink black fog. Shifting, reshaping, reforming, flowing like a soft stream. Dull, vacant eyes, glassed over. The caws of crows filled her ears, first in a trickle, and soon becoming a rapid torrent, like the raging river below the DeathLeap. But Carmina knew that the soft stream and the raging river were nothing but different parts of the same whole. And the river flowed black. Black with ink, and black with the feathers littered across its surface, hidden in swaths beneath the brine.

A voice. “Carmina!” She whipped her head around. It was her friend. They smiled, relieved. “Lost in thought?”

Carmina shook her head. “No. Found in thought. I’ve just been inspired to make another piece.”

They grinned. “If only I could be fueled so steadily to create. What is your muse?”

“Agony.” Carmina said simply, and it reflected a thousand tears cried, day and night, over unspeakable losses.

Her friend didn’t notice, however. “Tragedy is our greatest inspiration, isn’t it? Though in some cases, the biggest tragedies are our daily woes.” They gave a chuckle. “Mine sure is. Woes aside, I found something you might be interested in. Care to take a look?” They held up their phone, and Carmina scooted her swivel chair over to get a closer look. Their screen showed an Instagram feed containing black-ink art.

“A local artist?” Carmina asked. She didn’t recognize their style. Someone new, perhaps?

“Nope. Just a foreigner, but their art isn’t my focus. See this?” They tapped one of the photos, and the full screen image revealed a graphic.

“Inktober,” Carmina read aloud, “Sounds like it’s made for me.”

“My thoughts exactly,” Her friend said, “And what better way is there to popularize yourself with international audiences than this?”

Carmina smiled at them. “Thank you for thinking of me. It means a lot.”

“Of course,” They replied, “You’re my friend, and I want to see you go as far as you can. I’ll send a screenshot of the post to you so you have all the prompts and the hashtag.”

The two artists went back to talking about pretty things they’d seen and heard that day — the sunrise, a child unintentionally sounding poetic when telling their mother they loved her, two lovers reunited outside of a community center, a feral cat finally letting a good samaritan pet it after he fed it for months. Nature and humanity can move the heart in so many ways, and one can never know exactly when it will happen.

After her friend left, Carmina set up her easel, grabbed an old pot of black ink, and began to draw. She was inspired, not by the pretty things, but by the dark and the morbid. She could never quite figure out if the images that haunted the reaches of her mind were a comfort or a burden, a blessing or a curse, but she always felt compelled to bring them to life, with her black ink being their lifeblood. Perhaps, she thought, her compulsion was due to the solace the nightmares brought her — in such an ever-changing world, it felt easier to dwell in the familiarity of the horrors than risk shattering her heart for daring to think she belonged in the light.

Whatever the reason, she found herself creating in the dim light the moonlight provided, as day turned to dusk turned to nightfall. This drawing, sparked by an Inktober prompt, had long since taken on a life of its own, as if every etch from her quill was casting a spell to animate it. The fog from earlier encroached on the corners of her vision, and Carmina thought to herself, I’m in the zone.

But of course, she had no conception of what that “zone” truly was.

[livingmeatloaf]

[image IDs: First image: a three panel comic by citricclown. In the panel shows a hungry person laying their arms and head on a surface, with a drippy speech bubble, "Ugh cooking is so tiring... I should just starve to death." In the second panel, Senshi from Dungeon Meshi appears with golden light radiating from him. He says "You need a balanced meal..." and the hungry person clutches their head, crying and replying in all caps, "I'm sorry Senshi Dungeon Meshi!!" In the third panel, the person cries happily while eating a sandwich, thinking, "homemade food is so good..." / Second image: a post by rowhan that reads: sometimes you have to be a bit mentally ill to get mentally well so if thinking naruto would be proud of you for brushing your teeth is what gets you to brush your teeth well grab that toothbrush dattebayo / Third image, copied mostly from alt text: screenshot from reddit r/Pikmin, user pandoxyy. Post titled "Pikmin 4 changed improved my life and I fucking hate it." Post body reads: Every single time I have something that needs doing that I don't want to do I just think to myself, "Dandori issue." Every single time. And it works. Every. Single. Time. The only way I get so much done now is by dreaming of being one of these weird little plant guys. How do I explain that to my parents? My friends, even?! How do I tell them that my sudden drastic increase in productivity is from getting over my Dandori issue?? I just want to go back I don't want to be a pikmin anymore. I don't want to hear their little carrying song when I take my laundry out of the machine. How do I unplay pikmin. /End IDs.]

thanks dungeonmeshi

[radfemcroatia]

My bad experience in a radfem Discord server - XY Cemetery by tomieradfem [2/5]

If you haven't read it, go to the first post (link below).

If you don't care, keep scrolling.

Where did we stop...

Oh, yeah. I got muted here. Plus, I was called a schizo.

At this point, and I'm embarrassed to admit this - I held back tears. If people weren't in the room with me I would have cried. Btw, I'm a person who cries like, once a year, and it's barely a tear, so this is a big deal.

Why did I cry? Because I have been lonely for many years, hopelessly searching for a place where I belong. I thought this was finally it. Radfems... I agree with them on many topics, I can talk to them about things that would make me a bullied social outcast anywhere else. If they won't accept me, who will?

I was VERY upset after being silenced. I had to speak - so, I chose the only other reasonable, non-hostile member of the conversation - Riri.

I admit, I didn't behave perfectly in the dms. I was very upset and on the verge of tears. Still though I disagree that I was rude to her.

She promised to tell them I meant no harm. Guess what happened next?

Defend your friends from what? From me defending myself? You're the only one who took it personally when you shouldn't have.

(Rea understands me. She even reached out to me and sent me a friend request, because she felt bad. I removed her after some time because we haven't talked since. I was open to a friendship though.)

I never acted out. I was reasonable and you didn't listen.

Tomieradfem will keep saying stuff like "believing things online", when me believing them would also count as "believing things online" 😭.

She reached out to the server and sent the screenshots of our conversation to her friends.

Don't care at this point. It never needed to become like this. We could have reached this conclusion respectfully.

ANDDD BEHOLD

Truly degenerate response.

I left the server.

After leaving, not gonna lie, I immediately regretted it. What if there was a chance of me being accepted back?

I left because why would I want to stay in a space that is so hostile towards me? Still, I had no clue what happened after I left. What if some of them felt bad because I was misunderstood? If there was a chance of my returning I would absolutely do it.

I created an alt account to join the server, just to see what the rest of the server said about me.

To do this, I faked some of my info, that being age and how long I've been a radfem. I wanted easy, quick, drama-free access to the server.

What did I come back to?

Nah I think I'm valid to think it's because of upskirting. I'm gonna need to see some serious proof to not believe that, words from some 20 year-olds on Discord aren't enough.

I might be wrong about the laws - that doesn't negate the rest of what I've said.

"what the HELL is her problem with riri??" OKAY WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

"what did riri do??" NOTHING. I never said she did anything! I never attacked her! Why is everyone treating her as some victim? Btw I showed all the relevant screenshots, I didn't hide ANYTHING I said. I never attacked Riri in dms. I asked for help.

Who the heck said Japan is hell on Earth? Not me! I just said a fact I learned!

Even celine who lived in Korea was unsure lol.

Never said Japan is a hellscape. Remember:

"why japan in particular gets called out"...because, my friend:

Literally how many times will I have to repeat this?

Wow poor Riri, I feel so bad for her :((( how I victimized her like a...wait what? Mentions of racism?? Hmm I wonder what they will say next.

Note for my 75 followers (damn thanks y'all, never expected I would have that many): My secret life mission is to make everyone hate Japan. Don't tell anyone.

I'm gonna have to start writing down insults. There's gonna be so much more.

Never mentioned anything about the West. I'm not even from the West you clown.

I didn't "lose it" I defended and continued to defend myself. Because that's the type of person I am. Someone who doesn't let others walk over her, even if their name is tomieradfem.

That was my introduction to the server. I felt like the server was gonna be a great place to connect. Guess not.

"curious how it came to happen that japan is taking all-"

Also I'm officially a racist.

My heart bleeds for Riri I am actually crying. How I victimized her is so horrible...

Japan is full of creeps yes, fucking deal with it.

I dmed Riri so she could help me. That's the ONLY reason.

Never said they were liars, she's making this up.

So what if Riri is from Japan? I should blindly trust her? I don't even know that woman. Also this is actually dangerous. If a woman from Iran said that women don't get attacked for not wearing hijab in Iran (which might be the case sometimes) am I not allowed to disagree just because she lives there, despite all the proof that suggests otherwise I see on the Internet?

This has nothing to do with someone correcting you on your native language loser (literally in their name). And tomieradfem is the one who needs to lower her ego. I never displayed my ego unlike her.

Showing my true colors in dms? What do you mean? If anything, the dms showed that I meant no harm.

I can't handle heat and you can't handle someone "disagreeing" with you (looking back, I didn't even disagree with Riri's statement, mostly).

Go to the third post. We're almost done.

[ignylinn]

Right, so I was going to write smth about Veilguard after I finished it. But I'm 23 hours in, my eyes are blurry and I need to pause, but I'm still mentally there, so.

Spoilers ahead.

As my friend said, this game should have been titled Guilt-Tripping in the Fade. Unlike other games, I have no clear answer as to why our guys are the ones to lead the fight here. It was clear in Origins. DA2 showed the whole path for Hawke and how he got himself into that situation in the third act. It was pretty obvious in DAI.

Here? It looks like

a) Varric is very caught up in his life narrative, and

b) Literally everyone feels responsible or guilty, and the main drive here is correcting their mistakes (regardless of their responsibility)

c) Well, there is also Solas inhabiting Rook's mind, but that's a nice bonus.

Sometimes it feels weird, like when you have to choose between saving one of the two cities. Like... I'm literally just one person, nothing special. Minrathous is stuffed with really powerful mages, why would I make any difference.

Anyway, this slight weirdness is my only complaint so far.

Now to good things in no particular order.

I'm playing a mage, I really love that they gave mages a second set of weapons. I'm having a blast with melee mage.

Factions are cool! I was choosing between Mourn Watch and Shadow Dragons (chose the second), but all of them are cool. I did not quite get the feeling of Lords of Fortune yet, though. I think I might do a Crow on my second playthrough.

Locations are also fantastic. Also, I like that they you need visit all of them often, cause new quests are added now and then. Treviso is my favorite though. Minrathous is a bit underwhelming, but we shall see.

Companions. I love voice acting here. Almost cried several times, especially with Harding. I do not yet have any favorites. I mean, they are all extremely likable in their unique ways

I think I especially like Davrin's story. Like, there is little sad backstory, he is just a struggling single dad, and I feel like the three of us have a nice queer platonic family by now. Or I am the uncle.

Taash really feels extremely young compared to everyone else, they are just trying to find their way in life and does not yet understand complexities of it (in my playthrough Taash is still thinking on their gender identity, but the wiki uses "they", so). Meanwhile, everyone else is significantly older and already seen all the shit.

Also, initially I thought I would not like Bellara, cause she is annoying in the way that does not vibe with me at all - but no, she also grew on me. I suspect she is in relationship with Neve. I mean, Neve flirts with anything female looking, but they def have something special.

I am romancing Lucanis, cause just... have you seen him? Have you talked to him?

Harding really makes me cry half the time, and I suspect her story will be tragic.

I will see how the others' stories will go, and I'm tired.

Finally, Solas. I played Solavellan once in DAI, just to see how it goes, but he never grew on me. Here, however. Rook's talk with Solas in the Fade? That's just... wow. The tension is palpable, and their relationship is so so so intense. I would definitely read some fanfiction about this.

Oh, oh, and I also like how they solved problem with Orlais and Ferelden - well, there is Inquisition, they are dealing with the issue in the South.

Also, you can pet all the pets. Unfortunately, I could not pet one cat because it was chilling between two other cats, and I could not catch the necessary position to pet this parrticular cat.

This is a very grave bug and needs to be patched ASAP.

Unfortunatel, I play through a cloud service, so for the love of me I have zero idea where the photos from photomode were saved :( just a regular screenshot.

[dearrosaceae]

Why am I hesitating to delete his number?

Dear Tumblergh, I had a long call with my bestfriends. I told them about him and what happened recently (see old posts) which raised an important question-

“What are you still doing with that guy?”

One of my friends, Bea, asked. She was under the impression that after I burned the memoribilia I dedicated to my first love, I would have been a lot serious on moving on. I should have locked in, but when he came back, I gave him an ample space to settle in my head and undoubtly in my heart. I still care.

This annoyed my bestfriends because now, it seemed like all of the dramatic ritual I made was pointless. This guy could waltz in and demanded my attention, and I would give it wholeheartedly. Yes of course it took time to move on but I am not showing enough effort by not putting him on the sideline.

Bea knocked some sense into my head. I should’ve been stricter. The ritual should’ve meant more. Thus, after the call ended, I spent hours mindlessly scrolling down Twitter (nobody calls it ‘X’) just liking relatable tweets that hit too close to home. My fingers might be scrolling but my head be busy interpreting what Bea had said.

I decided to scroll my private chat instead on WhatsApp. Prior to us breaking up, I drafted a really long, heartfelt yet direct message to send to him later. I thought I deleted it when he asked to break up but I didn’t, although I never got the chance to send him that text. I read it intently, trying to live in that moment back again and feel exactly how I felt during that period.

Some paragraphs choked me. It reminded me how painful it was to be in that heavily one-sided relationship. The nonchalance was through the screen. I almost cried but the tears won’t come out. Then, I saw a few screenshots after the text. It was a few days after we broke up maybe. The screenshots were of our conversation when we broke up.

His words, was sharply penetrative. I was going to send him that long text I drafted but he immediately chimed in with his own. He insisted first thing that we weren’t in a serious or in any relationship, so he wasn’t obligated to update me on his life. He went on how the relationship drained his energy (as if mine not?) and that he felt like he had been lovebombing me so not truly loving me.

He just didn’t want to continue and I ended up agreeing to everything he said like a dumb motherfucker, coaxed him some more and stepped back. I was trying too hard to be respectful when I was getting hurt a LOT! I couldn’t believe I let myself got stepped over like that. In addition, he grew bigger audacity to refuse to apologise because it would hurt me more? It will hurt regardless, you might as well not make it a vengeful one.

If it were up to my memory alone, everything were in a haze. Memories can change and they are highly subjective in relation to the emotion that is attached to the memory. Seeing the screenshots and the undeleted draft message gave me a window into time and an objective reminder that he did not give me an ounce of grace when I had pour all of my best into him.

As if that playback was not enough, I decided to scroll through our chat too, or whatever is left of it. I listened to his recordings when he first found out that all of my hints, stories and ritual were about him, then his wishes for me, some awkward tries (I still tried to see if I could rekindle us damn) and lastly when he wished my birthday. At the time, I had just unblock him after blocking him for one day.

I didn’t know if he could see that update but he never questioned it so I guess he couldn’t. I had my own birthday wish drafted for him (that I did send out right on 11:59 p.m) which when I compared to his birthday wish at our chat… the striking difference. The wishes, the overall effort and vibes were not parallel. Perhaps because the amount of care was never similar. It hurts to realize that now.

Now, I’ve seen and reminded myself of all the things that happened. The mean ones especially. There is no future for me here yet I’ve convinced myself that I’m soulmate with this horrible person? I even scared myself from not deleting his number because what if he couldn’t see my status anymore and questioned it? You are right, WHO GIVES A FUCK?! I should come FIRST!!

I had to remind myself too that when I went on a two months hiatus, he didn’t once bother to hit me up asking about it and instead- doing what I should’ve been doing all this while- went on about his day! Like a champ! Why do I have to care about his feelings so much when he never considered mine?

I contemplated too much. The most I should do is block and delete his number then unfollow him on all socials. That is it. I know what I’m scared of, I’m afraid there will still be future with us and that if I know there is, I might be willing to wait. At the same time, he is a long time friend before he was a lover. I am a sentimental bitch so letting things go is harder than it seems. Other than that, I will miss him and I’d also want him to see what’s up with me like I want him to see I’ve glow up and realised what he had lost.

I know.

I sound like a fucking loser right now.

The best treatment for mistreating me should’ve been no more direct access to me. Not just him, anyone. I have been holding onto nostalgia rather than having a real grip on reality. It is really sad because none of this is serving any benefits to me at all. I’m the only one getting hurt too.

Why am I harsh with myself?

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary45

10/22-23/2023

sunday - monday

saw fwwm in a theater, already a favorite but i loved seeing it on a huge screen. i cried a lot.

it's hard to come up with a lot to say. or there's a lot to say about the movie, all i can really say about why it affects me so totally is i think there's a lot there that i just don't think i've seen much else approach so well. the dinner scene, for instance, i don't think much else really communicated that sort of experience of being talked down to by someone and being paralyzed/incapable of speaking, and demeaned continually, until all you can do is go to the bathroom and cry. this movie really makes the moments where you are out of something awful weigh on you, i guess because when you're given time to breathe/think all there is, is the weight of everything else that happened, so you are stuck ruminating/recovering, never long enough.

obviously there will be like, spoilers, but it's so old like, go watch the show and this movie (i rec the fancut which adds all the missing pieces in, great stuff imo).

i shouldn't articulate too much about how i feel here, i have other writing for that. i do think it's interesting how people will watch this movie and think about leland as an equal victim to laura, but he really is obviously evil, totally. it's really awful.

maybe more interesting than people not getting twin peaks how most of the men in the show, are wrong. the only ones who aren't on some level wrong, by the end, are albert, chet, and the guy played by kiefer sutherland. it makes the redemption of certain characters in the return, and the failure of others, more touching i think that they all begin here/in this way.

i really love twin peaks, #basic of me i guess but it's hard to put into words, it's weird how it basically haunted me my whole life in other things i loved but i never really got to it until covid basically, and it only made all those other things i loved click (maybe i'm mostly just thinking of silent hill, and maybe some other stuff, it's all over a lot of japanese games, it feels tangentially related to yn even i guess). i guess anything that is essentially about the impossibility of normalcy/the intolerable charade of the regular and whatever, how there's always these frayed edges, the abject and the rapturous just kind of always there, touching on us and feeding us into some kind of extremity we're either going to attempt to ignore or embrace (embracing it totally is impossible, this is the tension bataille is so intent on tracing/observing).

it's interesting to see stuff that acts like it embraces those things, the transcendent and abject, when really all it does is absorb either and defuse them. i think the first screenshot i posted is really illustrative, the image is in tension w/ what happened to laura prior, she was brutally murdered, and instead of that image being redeemed with beauty, it's only an equal response, it doesn't feel like it does away with what happened to her, she is smiling and crying because it's all at least over now, there's peace in that, so dragged through broken glass and in shambles there is at least the freedom of not being right there, but knowing right there intimately. i guess, strangely i think of something like saw as what works in opposite, with all its efforts at morals and its extreme gore it doesn't really upset or move as deeply or provoke anything beyond the horror that this is now regular fantasy. maybe this is all too near together to be easy to read or something but i think i'm making sense, fwwm gets at the exact feeling, and the extreme states you might end up in emotionally, the images and sensations that travel in those places and it all together. i think there are probably workable critiques of the movie, i know a friend of mine would hate it, i also don't think he would sit and relate to laura like i do, which is good i think.

also i think the show is obv more complex/interesting than just having a lot to say about how men treat women (or maybe more broadly (definitely situated here i think more so) the feminine (as many quotes around that as you want)) but it keeps sticking to me, it feels like an in for the broader things the show wants to approach, i guess more or less the sense of something intolerable, all those secret lives uprooted, and in season 2 the mass psychosis of the town because their secret lives are in open air, and everyone is incapable of stopping anything awful from happening/everyone fed into it, and the return spreading this sense to everywhere in america, even back in history.

but whatever, or not whatever, but you know, i don't need to sit here and babble on, not articulating myself perfectly. i think there's a lot to say abt tp i just don't know if i can right now.

one thing, it's interesting how in the return dougie is like a literal sweetheart saint who makes me cry because he is so kind, and dale is only briefly the man we remember from the original run. he is largely colder, more afraid, focused and still failing. the tragedy of that really fucks me up.

the darkness of the night laura screams into, and the chalfont/treemont house, that part really fucks me up, the sense it gives you of things being forced to happen. it doesn't seem like fate, it's not like pessimistic that way i think, it's this thing where there's a wrongness so far back you can't prevent things from going wrong, the horror is always there, or something.

n e wayzzzzzzz, unrelated to tp, i didn't do a lot else. i did work on some sounds, i wrote some riffs, i think i have something like the start of a song here, but i dunno, i wanna mess around on guitar soon like actually and try to do some stuff that way, and tomorrow i am for sure going to have to just listen to every song i've got, see what i need to do, and re-export some songs with vocals on them that i have not done yet. but that should maybe be exciting seeing how much is done and what else i'll need to do. it might be like, a pleasant surprise. who knowzzz.

anyways i am sleeepyyyyyy

so

byebye!!!!