#I crave moments with my inner scribe

[remembertheplunge]

Lew Moments

“…the very poor lack spokesmen in the shape of writers. Writers come predominantly from the middle class in which privacy is more easily obtainable, and in which solidarity with friends and neighbors is not so stringently demanded..” From the book  Solitude p. 82 by Anthony Storr.

My margin note to the above: (written in the margin of page 82 of the Solitude book)

"I give friends and neighbors the light touch. I crave and savor Lew moments! "10/31/2009 Saturday 7:50am

N: 7/2/2024

About 15 years since I wrote the above margin note and I still crave Lew moments. At that time , I had to work those moments into my time with my partner Jim. But, Jim’s liver failed and he died November 9, 2009, just 10 days after I wrote the above margin note. I went through months of intense mourning after his death, but emerged with a strong desire to have "Lew moment' writing sessions.

I enjoy time with my friends, but, I crave time with my inner scribe.

[layla-qhuinn]

Layla's Needing

Layla: *I awoke some time before the shutters opened, hot and uncomfortable. Qhuinn was wrapped around me, his muscular limbs protecting me even in his sleep. Smiling, I carefully extracted myself from his embrace, love truly filling my heart, and went to relieve myself. My thoughts going back to when he and I first found each other. Both orphaned and lost in the world. He showed me this side. He showed me how things work from the TV to the toaster, which I may have burnt a whole loaf once or twice. He showed me how to fight off an attacker if needed. But most importantly, he showed me that I am more than just a Chosen. As I finished my business, I stood, and immediately fell back down, my head swimming. A rush of heat spread over my body and the feeling of a dagger being stabbed in my womb overtook me. I fell to the tile floor,seeking its coolness against my fevered skin. My needing…no this can’t be happening. Yet as my body strained against the throbbing pain, I knew it was. I cried out as another wave hit, tears streaming down my cheeks. I reached for anything I could find, balling up a discarded towel and placing it between my thighs, desperately seeking even a moment of relief.*

Qhuinn: [mismatched eyes fly open when I hear Layla’s scream. At first I’m caught in that state somewhere between sleep and wake, but the sound of pain had me jumping out of bed and rushing over to the bathroom. My eyes practically go /deer in the headlights/ when I hit the wall of scent telling me that my beloved butterfly was indeed in her needing] Lay… [I swallow twice to get some kind of control even as my dick hardened at the rush of her scent calling to me] Layla… [kneeling down I scoop her up bridal style off the cold floor and feel the burn of her too hot skin against mine. Carefully I carry her back to our bed and lay her down hoping the cool of the sheets would grant her a moment of respite from the pain. Then glances down into her face meeting her pained gaze with mine] Let me help you. Please.

Layla: *My body seizes when Qhuinn enters the bathroom, my womb throbbing for him. I hiss as he lifts me, my skin sensitive to touch. Once he lays me down, I have a brief moment of clarity. His eyes come into focus and his voice soothes my soul. For the shortest of moments I can think. He wants to service me, or at least I think he does.* Help me Qhuinn, by drugs or you, but please help me. * Another rush of heat covers my skin, sweat beading on my flesh. The pain increases. I thrash against the pillows and covers, shoving them off the bed. Curling on my side, I bite my cheek trying not to cry out.*

Qhuinn: I will see to all your needs. [Layla’s skin was hot and covered with a fine sheen of sweat. The sight was breathtaking but the fact she was in pain grabbed hold of my heart and my dick as another wave of her scent washed over me making my balls literally ache] I’ve got you, butterfly. [easing a finger inside her exposed core finding out just how wet she was I curl up behind her. Using my slickened finger to lubricate my throbbing shaft before guiding it to her wet slit and pushed inside from behind her. My hand gripping her hip as I push deeper inside her to pull back and slam back sharply so that I’m balls deep within the female I love. Her need my focus as I let go and savor the feel letting her succulent scent and heat engulf me knowing this night would take us into tomorrow and possibly the next]

Layla: *I cry out when his length thrusts into my heated core,the intrusion causing my walls to clamp down around him and spasm hard. My back arches into his chest, my legs shake with the force of my orgasm. My fangs punch down, needing to feed. Hungrily I pull his wrist to my mouth and puncture his vein. His dark wine sliding down my parched throat causing a moan to bubble up from me. Needing more of him, I push my hips back to his, wanting him as deep as he can go, the fire raging in me needing to be quenched by what only he can give me.*

Qhuinn: [hissing when your fangs pierce into my wrist just as her orgasm washes over my throbbing length is indeed a heady mixture. Your liquid coating my balls so that the next thrust has them slapping your clit. My right arm pinned beneath your side shifts as I press closer then grasps your right breast kneading the soft fullness before pinching your hardened nipple between thumb and forefinger. Your tight walls and heat making thought harder than normal as I continue to thrust my hips in rapid succession giving you all I can while growling in your ear] Take all you need, Leelan. [my bonding scent flaring to fill the room with mixture of it amid that of our sex just before I yell as my seed spills deep into your womb coating you completely but my dick never loses its hardness as your body calls to mine wanting more and by the Scribe you will have it. A finger sheen of sweat beads on my skin as I shift keeping you on your side with my right hand gripping your hair while my hips slam down and I grind a hip bone against your swollen clit]

Layla: QHUINN!!!!! *The moment your seed fills my womb, the fire calms and I can take a deep breath. Turning so I can look in your eyes, sweat mixing with tears. It is then that fear grips me. What if we were to conceive a young? Words spill from my mouth fast, the need to know how you felt about it consuming just as the fire started again* What if I conceive your young this night? As much as I love you, I do not wish to put you in this predicament. So if you do not wish a young, please say so now and get me drugs. I fear I cannot hold out before another wave strikes. *With your length still hard inside me and the friction on my sensitive numb, I can’t help but to buck against you, the heat slowly rising to consume me again.* What is your wish Nallum?

Qhuinn: [I vaguely make out your words and they pour cool water on my nerves long enough to form words] If we are granted the gift of a young then they will be loved like no other could be. I want… young… with no one but you. -the steady rise of heat inside your core along with the scent sends any jitters inside me flying out the closest window as I draw my hips back so just the head of my dick is inside you then drives my hips forward slamming hard enough that the bed groans beneath the force]

Layla: *Your words calm my racing heart. Wanting to look in your eyes, I twist so that I am fully under you. Pulling your face to mine, I kiss you deeply, knowing we will through this together. Arching my back, my slick sex pulls your rock hard length deeper inside, milking what you can give me. Wave after wave hits my body from all angles. My body feels like I am bathing in fire. Dragging my nails down your broad back, drawing blood, before I take the vein on your neck. Your blood and seed giving me all I need.* My warrior, I would be honored to carry your young.

Qhuinn: [hooking your knees over my forearms I start thrusting deeper. My length balls deep inside your fiery core so that I feel the walls milking my shaft urging for more of my seed and my body answers the call as with one more thrust I unload again inside you coating your already dripping wet womb with my release. The force of my release doesn’t sate your needing and my dick never loses its thickness] I love you. [my lips claiming yours as my hips begin thrusting anew in time with the thrusts of my tongue inside your mouth. The claiming was mutual as my bonding scent roars back to life bathing your skin while your core works my shaft]

Layla: *the bed creaks and moans with us, shaking with the force you are pounding me with. Each release from you calming and yet igniting the fire inside me. I wrap my arms around your neck, my fingers pulling your short hair. I feel as though I can’t get enough of you. Our bodies slap together, sweat making it impossible not to slide along what sheets still covered the mattress. I don’t think its possible to come again, but my body craves release. I work myself as close to your hips as I can,my sensitive clit needing the friction of your pelvis. Crying out, my sex tightens around your shaft again, pulsing my release, covering your length and balls* Oh Scribe! I can’t stop….I can’t! QHUINN!! *another climax washes over me, my body burning. I don’t know how long its been but I didn’t know how much more I could possible take either. One release rolled into the next without reprieve.*

Qhuinn: [every pulse of your inner walls ignited me to thrust harder and deeper. I wasn’t sure how you’d be able to move after this or for that matter me, but I’d face it with you. Grinding against your swollen clit with my pelvis with every strike needing your release and getting it over and over. I’d lost count of the number of times we’d actually orgasmed as one rolled into another and your screams echoed with every one until I was sure you were hoarse. My own grunts, pleas and cries of pleasure joining yours as every release poured my seed deep inside you to fill you up again and again. But my balls only seemed to ache anew as your heat demanded more and damned if I wasn’t going to give you what you needed as day turned to night and night into day. I grab the headboard arching up so the sweat runs down my chiseled chest and my mismatched eyes can watch every emotion cross your beautiful face while your nails claw at my back while I pound my hips against yours. I can feel the tremble starting in your toes and working its way up your legs before the heat swells inside your core once more] Let go, butterfly. D.. don’t hold back. [every word was gasped out between breaths as I focus on you and the heat surging between us]

Layla: *My eyes never leave yours except when my release claims me or I take yet another vein. I watch you, seeing the love for me shining in the blue and green orbs. My fangs are permanently descended to the point of pain unless in your strong flesh. Turning my head, I latch onto your wrist, drinking greedily from your vein. Your blood mixing with mine and the heat covering my body spur another release. My cries of pleasure muffled by my drinking. Some time later, hours or days I am not sure, my body slowly cools down. My legs tremble from exertion. My arms heavy like lead. It is then that I reach up for your neck, pulling you down to me and kiss you deeply.* My warrior, thank you for caring for me.

Qhuinn: [each time your fangs pierce my skin I let out a hiss of pain and pleasure while keeping my hips moving in a steady rhythm working us through every high and low until the fires recede and we are able to think clearly] I will always be here or you, butterfly. [I feel the tremor of exhaustion start in my forearms so I roll to one side pulling myself free of the warmth of your core with a solitary groan. My body feels leaden but I manage to curl an arm around your shoulders limply to draw you close to my side] Whatever may come know I am here for you.

Layla: *snuggling close to your side, I lay my arm and my leg over your body. A smile crosses my lips at what we just shared. I could think of no other male I would want to share a young with than you. I sent a silent prayer to the Scribe Virgin that she would bless us with a young and a healthy pregnancy if so be it. I place a soft kiss over your heart, my eyes closing from the hours we spent satisfying each other, dreaming of the young that could be.*

[fit-hunter-blog]

2018 Goals

This is the ginormous post detailing all my goals for 2018. 

But before I dive into them, I want to insert a little prologue. 2018. This year really means a lot to me. Four years ago I was accepted into the university of my dreams and my class year was practically branded on my heart. You are never allowed to forget your class year. Mine is 2018, and I wear ‘18 proudly on a huge gold ring every day. I never thought this year would finally arrive... yet here it is. I know this year is going to be pivotal. I graduate and am officially thrown into the real world as a real adult... alone. I find out if I am accepted into medical school... or in other words, I found out if all the hard work I have done over my entire college career has been worth it and I will get to pursue my dream career. I will be financially independent for the first time in my life. I will not be constantly surrounded by my friends and thousands of other intelligent 20-something year olds every waking moment. I am single which is extra terrifying because how do people find partners in the real world... I was suppose to find mine in college. I am sickeningly nervous, but I sense that it will not be bad. When 2017 rolled around a year ago, I felt in my gut that it would not be a good year, and in all honesty, it wasn’t for me. There were high moments for sure, but overall, I was so incredibly unhappy. 2018 feels brighter somehow. 2018 holds a lot of uncertainty but uncertainty has never been a bad thing for me. I just pray 2018 is kind.

Fitness and Health

Run a half marathon: I have run two half marathons in both 2016 and 2017 so I think it is only fair I keep the streak alive in 2018. My goal is to finish strong and not broken (lol I stress fractured my foot in the second one so my goal is to go uninjured). I start my training program in two weeks for a race in early April. My goal is just to stay on schedule and properly fuel and recover. 

Do another Tough Mudder: unfortunately, I did not do one of these in 2017 which is heartbreaking. I hope to complete my 4th in Austin in the fall, after a summer of training specifically for it. 

Get a Gold’s Gym membership: this is a huge financial commitment for me so I am nervous to dive into this but Gold’s in my town offers all the classes that I love and I feel confident enough in a weight room that I feel like I would really benefit from the membership. Not to mention a lot of my training program relies on a membership... guess I have no choice.

Regularly cycle: One of my new found loves of 2017 was indoor cycling. Not only am I good at it, but I love it. It’s a workout that I truly feel like I’ve pushed myself to my limits and exhausted every part of my body. For that reason, my goal is to cycle twice a week (Tuesday and Thursday) at Gold’s Gym. 

Become stronger: Plain and simple, I want to be able to lift heavier things. My goal is to attend Body Pump classes twice a week (Wednesday and Friday) and lift heavy on at least one other day of the week (most likely heavy on legs).

Redevelop flexibility: I found a really yoga flow that increases flexibility for the splits. I have always wanted to be able to do the splits and this year it’s going to happen. I want to stretch (even if it is quick and easy) every day.  

Fuel my body properly: 2018 is going to be the year I really gain control over my eating habits. When it comes to health, this is always where I see the most failure. I want to educate myself on what nutrition is best for the type of training I am doing, feed myself simply yet effectively, and on a budget. I also want to invest in new cookbooks and try new recipes and step out of my comfort zone. 

Drink water and reduce caffeine: Emphasis on “reduce”. I will never part with my cup of coffee every morning.

Family, Friends, and Relationships

Invest in lifelong friends: the terrifying thing about being a senior in college is that I have no idea who is going to stick around after I graduate. That is why my goal for this semester and this year in general is to identify and invest in those lifelong friends and really define my inner circle.

Thank my family more often and spend more time with them: I think this says it all. The older I get, the more I value family and so I want to make sure I am visiting them and talking to them more than I have in the past couple of years. 

Enter a serious romantic relationship: I feel like I say this every year, but this year I want to be in a long-term, serious relationship for the first time in my life. I finally feel like I am genuinely ready to be in one. For my whole existence, I never really wanted to be in a relationship. I hated the idea of being tied down or “belonging” to another person. But now, I crave that vulnerability and trusting someone with my entire self for the first time ever. Not to mention, my sex life could use a little perking up. 2017 was horrible when it came to romance. The first half of the year was me struggling with my sexuality and coming to terms with the fact that I am in fact on the bi-sexual “scale” (as I like to call it) and recovering from being sexually assaulted over a year ago in October. These things combined put me out of commission. But 2017 was also a time for healing and growth and I finally feel emotionally and spiritually mature to let my guards down. I’ve never really gone looking for a relationship but maybe God or Fate never put anyone in my life because they were waiting for me to reach this level of inner peace. 

Heart and Spiritual

Meditate daily: even if it is only for 10-15 minutes, make time.

Regular mindful journaling: easiest the most therapeutic practice for me. I usually only journal when I am anguished by some temporary drama or emotion or bout of depression but my goal for this new year is to journal at least once a week to hopefully keep those negative valleys from returning as frequently.

Educate myself in buddhism and other religions: the end of 2017 has found me  in a place of religious curiosity. While I do feel very content with my level of spirituality, I do want to explore other religions and simply mature spiritually in an individualized way. I want to finish reading the “Buddhist Bible” and explore other religious texts. 

Financial Goals

Learn how to better budget: when I graduate, I lose all financial support from my parents and yes, I am panicking a little about this, especially when I don’t have a career set up to pay for things and I am going to be re-entering school in Fall 2019. I hope to spend money more wisely and not on frivolous things. Also taking time to coupon and wait for sales.

Save as much money as I can (especially while my parents are still paying for housing and food): Any money I get, I spend almost immediately. I need to invest at least 30% of whatever income I have into saving and budget the rest.

Work, Career, and Study

Get straight A’s my last semester of college: I want to graduate with a 3.8 overall GPA and one last 4.0 will push me over the edge. Also, it’s a pride thing.

Get accepted into medical school: (please god, I am begging)

Get a job for my gap year in the health/wellness/medical field: my goal is to apply for as many scribe and medical assistant positions as I can. Since I will have a kinesiology degree, I also want to look into wellness center positions and getting certified as a personal trainer. My mom also mentioned getting me EMT certified which is another interesting option I can look into. 

Volunteer more: animal shelter, hospital, for community run clubs; I feel like lately I haven’t devoted enough time to this which is so sad considering it’s one of my favorite things.

Other/Personal

Travel somewhere beautiful: whether it’s here in Texas at Big Bend or to Seattle or California or to a foreign country, I just want to go somewhere grand. 

Vlog more: I started a vlog this summer which was one of the funnest creative projects I have ever done. It will certainly keep me entertained during my gap year and capture my final moments as an undergraduate college student. 

Keep up with the blog: I love writing long posts and the daily inspiration. It keeps me accountable and motivated. I don’t care if this blog gets 20 followers or thousands, I need it to be for me. 

[soulfullheartwayoflife-blog]

Post-Eclipse Activations Of Our Highest Timelines Continuing To Integrate Into Our Emotional And Physical Bodies

by Jelelle Awen

So much collective attention being focused on the recent total solar eclipse INcreased the energies that were available during it. All souls were offered the codes/information/memories of their highest timelines, highest expression lives in their human body that are ALREADY happening. Your highest timeline is your service of love life for which you are aligned to your Divine self expressing as a human. For some, this highest timeline reality would just ‘bounce’ off their unawakened 3D self, yet WOULD go into their 4D transitional self and their higher self…..even if not consciously being connected to yet.

This ‘seed’ of higher dimensional consciousness experience is within all human BEings and is receiving a BIG flush of love light water (especially during this mega month of August energies) to help it sprout, grow, and bloom. This might have led to sudden upswells of emotional sensitivity or feelings of acute frustration or unhappiness in some 3D selves. AND rare joy and bliss as the eclipse ‘event’ penetrated their usual defensive filtering which normalizes and flatlines experience of experience. The 3D self might put these sensations into a five sense reality ‘box’ and file them away as connected somehow to the eclipse but not sure how.

The 4D self, however, would be staying up at night, reliving the event, searching on the internet for meaning and explanations beyond the obvious, beyond the 5 senses, beyond the mind. The 4D self would be continuing to move out of numbness, their emotional body coming to LIFE and their soul beginning to remember. The 4D astral self expression may be activating with more intense and meaningful dreams too. This could bring up feelings of depression at how life has been and more acute awareness of how the daily routine impacts you. It’s like you are looking around AT your life and can suddenly ‘see’ it much more clearly, more objectively, and also with an increasing sense of what you REALLY want more acutely. The 4D self is looking for resources to help support their choices of their highest timeline and trusting their intuitions and resonance that guides them to these resources.

The eclipse energies have also activated NEW surges of creative expression and passion connected to the bigger picture. As the new timeline comes into focus for us as individuals AND as a collective, opportunities to make choices (both small and BIG) toward manifestation are offered to us on an increasing basis. Moment by moment, you become more aware of what you are choosing and why. What are you putting your energy toward and why? What is your choice and what is it based on? Is it based in fear and clinging to the 3D, previous, ‘lower’ timeline? Is it connected to love, service of love and the 4D and higher timeline?

Post eclipse integration of these higher timeline realities has been intense and can be felt on ALL the bodies: physical, emotional, social, astral, chakral/energetic, mental. The physical body is the vibrationally densest expression of our BEing and is often ‘catching up’ with the high frequency surges. Amplification of WHATEVER physical stuff you might have going on is happening now. Activation of hormones turned UP, increasing PMS and menstrual symptoms for some of us women. I’ve certainly been experiencing that myself since the eclipse and been just surrendering into it as I feel MORE feminine frequencies being offered to me in all areas of my life, including moving into more co-leadership of SoulFullHeart with Raphael and more balance of feminine and masculine expression related to it.

You may be feeling an increase in ‘ascension symptoms’ such as headaches, neck pain, ringing in the ears, dizziness, interrupted sleep patterns. I do recommend connecting with these ‘symptoms’ directly to ask them what they are trying to tell you about your ongoing ascension process as connected to your physical and emotional bodies, as I wrote about here:https://soulfullheartblog.com/…/discovering-what-your-emot…/

Your emotional body may be engaging in an ongoing purging out process with what has been previously suppressed and put in shadow coming UP and out now to be felt. The collective shadow is being illuminated and seen by many more souls….and the inner shadow too. The 3D self may be grasping at anything it can to numb this purging process and you may find yourself engaging in ‘lower frequency’ activities that feel comforting for the moment. Urges to eat ‘comfort foods’ can accompany this too and in some cases you’ll want to follow these urges and other times to feel what emotional need is ‘underneath’ the craving.

There seem to be energetic shifts connected to the eclipse energies too, with the continual sense growing in me of activation of our personal sacred geometric gridlines, 5D violentprint chakral grid. This makes ‘energy work’ a much more fluid experience, more multidimensional and not so rigidly connected to the old systems of chakra healing, such as reiki and others. They have been and are effective at activation of the 4D self’s awareness of the chakras and their soul’s essence AS energy. To remain ‘parked’ in the reiki system, however, is to remain in a limiting comfort zone…rather than to see that our energy bodies are actually infinite, fluid, and complex. I don’t feel ‘answers’ around this, just a door opening of exploration into these new grounds that I am excited as an energy healer of many years to continue going through with those souls engaged in the SoulFullHeart process.

The eclipse energies activated Unity consciousness too, in a big way, as the event itself brought together so many in witness of it. Ongoing unity consciousness remembrance and activation/integration of our Metasoul/other lifetime aspects continues with stronger urges toward soul family connection and resonance. Relationships based on 3D frequencies of separation, lack, comfort are continuing to be strained, with some just running out of ground in sudden ways. The social body (as we could call it) is being activated to discover the ‘me within the we’, to go through a letting go phase of the old identity hookups, a lone wolf phase, and to move eventually into healthy We-ness of New Earth commUNITY. Sacred union codes continue to be supplied to water the heart, soul, and body ache for counterpart soul mateship, whose ultimate purpose of coming together is to serve LOVE.

ALL of our bodies are being infused with our highest timeline realities. It’s like our dreams have been switched on yet are feeling ever more REAL. Our visions are becoming clearer. Our journeys and the choice points along the way toward those visions becoming illuminated. Our worthiness to receive and BE these visions being watered with self love and love with the Divine. As we come into Divine alignment INside, so does our outside reality reflect this more and more as the Infinite Love that we ARE continues to find its ultimate highest expression in our lives.

~

My mate Raphael and I will be offering lifting UP energies related to sacred union within and with a mate during a group call this Sunday, August 27th at 11:11amPST, for which we’d love for you to join us, especially if you feel SoulFullHeart may be connected to your highest timeline expression: facebook.com/events/254241058395276

Jelelle Awen is an Emoto-Spiritual Teacher, Soul Scribe, waySHOWer, and co-creator and teacher of the SoulFullHeart Way Of Life. She is author of Sacred Human, Arising Wonder: Ascension Through Integration Of Your Emotional Body With Your Spirituality and Keep Waking Up! Awakening Journeys To Avalon And Beyond . Visit soulfullheartwayoflife.com for more information about a FREE intro session with a SoulFullHeart facilitator, group calls, videos, retreats, etc.

[schmomalley]

Invisible House

“And a scribe came up and said to him, ‘Teacher, I will follow you wherever you go.’ And Jesus said to him, ‘Foxes have holes, and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay his head.’” Matthew 8:19-20

The human heart is restless. Trite but true idioms tell us that “home is where the heart is,“ yet “the heart is a lonely hunter.” Perhaps you’ve beat the rest of us and live your life in comfort, peace, and confidence 100% of the time, but if you’re anything like me, despite your best efforts, your heart is restless too.

Admittedly, my heaviest baggage does not compare to the great and terrible pains that friends and peers have experienced. I am not the product of some tragic backstory, family trauma, or obvious, dramatic abandonment; I have a beloved church community, co-workers I enjoy, and friends who laugh at my jokes. Yet, my understandings of security, attachment, love, and acceptance are unhealthy. As I plumb my own depths, exploring and exposing the fractures, scars, and defenses that have shaped my flawed interactions with the world and myself, I uncover the same root every time; all roads point to a desperate need for “home.” Beyond the physical space in which I sleep and eat, I want to belong somewhere, to someone, in something. To know "This is where my heart lives.” I’m hungry for it. I’m hunting “home” all the time, and can’t find it.

In my ambivalence and combating desires to find restful stillness, yet avoid heartbreak, I live a life of building tents. I feverishly search for new friendships to belong to, new cities to love and explore, new hobbies to define me, new career paths to fulfill me, and once I set up camp, I am quickly disappointed. People don’t meet expectations, no amount of organic coffee and local shopping can overpower crime, traffic, and racism, and I give up on anything I’m not immediately good at. So, I run. I pitch my tent somewhere else. Sometimes I even run back to fruitless campsites I’ve already abandoned, hoping something has changed.

The unsatisfying secret is that humans, hipsters, and newness simply cannot give me what I want from them. So long as I hope they will save me, I will always be disappointed.

In New Morning Mercies, Paul David Tripp writes,  "We are all archaeologists who dig into the mounds of our lives to try to make sense of the civilization that is our story. … But sin makes this drive and these gifts dangerous. They tempt us to think that we can find our hearts by figuring it all out. It’s the 'If only I could understand this or that, then I’d be secure’ way of living. But it never works. In your most brilliant moment, you will still be left with mystery in your life; sometimes even painful mystery. … So rest is never found in the quest to understand it all. No, rest is found in trusting the One who understands it all and rules it all for his glory and our good.“ He continues in a later passage, ”[Sin] causes us to look horizontally for what can only ever be found vertically. So we look to creation for life, hope, peace, rest, contentment, identity, meaning and purpose, inner peace, and motivation to continue. The problem is that nothing in creation can give you these things. … Many people will get up today and in some way will ask creation to be their savior, that is, to give them what only God is able to give.“

And guess what? He’s not alone in this sentiment. David Foster Wallace, brilliant writer and atheist who ultimately committed suicide wrote, "In the day-to-day trenches of adult life, there is no such thing as atheism. There is no such thing as not worshiping. Everybody worships. The only choice we get is what to worship. And an outstanding reason for choosing some sort of god or spiritual-type thing to worship - be it JC or Allah, be it Yahweh or the Wiccan mother-goddess or the Four Noble Truths or some infrangible set of ethical principles - is that pretty much anything else you worship will eat you alive. If you worship money and things - if they are where you tap real meaning in life - then you will never have enough. … Worship your own body and beauty and sexual allure and you will always feel ugly, and when time and age start showing, you will die a million deaths before they finally plant you. … Worship power - you will feel weak and afraid, and you will need ever more power over others to keep the fear at bay. Worship your intellect, being seen as smart - you will end up feeling stupid, a fraud, always on the verge of being found out.” (This is Water)

I am acutely aware of this reality within myself. I buy cheap. I buy the idea that beauty, possessions, the “right” city, the “right” job, or the “right” relationship could patch up my doubts, pains, and insecurities to make me whole. What I really want–extreme and unwavering intimacy, connectedness, and unconditional acceptance to the point of never feeling forsaken again–is too tall an order for the world to fulfill. It is simply too supernatural. It must come from God. Only a genuine relationship with Jesus can supply what I crave, but it is hard to feel at home in an invisible house. It is hard to feel intimate with an invisible God. But I believe it’s possible, and I must still try.

“Home” means permanency, a space we build to dwell in, a structure with foundation, boundaries, shelter, and shade. But if the Christian life is a race,* and to race we must keep moving, then so must our house. Fortunately, we, brothers and sisters in Christ, have been given the joyous honor of being built into a mobile fortress, moving and changing the world together. In one of my favorite passages of scripture, we are promised “As you come to him, a living stone rejected by men but in the sight of God chosen and precious, you yourselves like living stones are being built up as a spiritual house, to be a holy priesthood, to offer spiritual sacrifices acceptable to God through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 2:4-5). Furthermore, we worship a wise and loving God, and the poetry of the gospel speaks to us in our need. “For we know that if the tent that is our earthly home is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens. For in this tent we groan, longing to put on our heavenly dwelling, if indeed by putting it on we may not be found naked. For while we are still in this tent, we groan, being burdened-not that we would be unclothed, but that we would be further clothed, so that what is mortal may be swallowed up by life. He who has prepared us for this very thing is God, who has given us the Spirit as a guarantee.” (2 Corinthians 5:1-5)

Mm. Praise God.

In the meantime, while I wrestle with my sinful tendencies to put good but imperfect things on my altar, I am thankful for God’s merciful gift-giving, for small islands among life’s roaring seas on which to briefly vacation from sojourning. For the gaggle of 13 year old girls who challenge and love me in the way only youth can, for the familiar drive of Route 50 East, for the Bun Shop on Read Street, for the group chat named “Strut,” for the long, sweaty walk from my office to Union Station, and for 17 years with a very wonderful cat.

I will close with a quote from a treasured, baller, Christian lady who knew a thing or two about the tension between life’s pain and heaven’s glory. Elisabeth Elliot said, “Heaven is not here, it’s There. If we were given all we wanted here, our hearts would settle for this world rather than the next. God is forever luring us up and away from this one, wooing us to Himself and His still invisible Kingdom, where we will certainly find what we so keenly long for.”

“For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.” (1 Corinthians 13:12)

*See 2 Timothy 4:7, Galatians 5:7, Hebrews 12:1-2, and 1 Corinthians 9:24-27.