#I couldn’t get a better quality pic of the first image and it pisses me off

[darlingpeasant]

Excuse the poor quality but this?? This here?? It is my new Roman Empire

THIS PARALLEL

Dancing in amongst a crowd but they are so lost in each other that every other presence in that room disappears

they were so insane for this

[angelaiswriting]

I Still Love You | Marco Ilsø x OC

[Pic above is ‘mine’ - PSD (not mine) here + image found on Pinterest. I’m a hoe for IG mockups, I’m sorry. Thanks Tumblr for lowering the quality when I add pics in a text post]

✎ Pairing: Marco Ilsø x OC

✎ A/N: I’m just so slow...

✎ Warnings: ... and I’m on my period and this makes me emotional, so I cried all the time while writing this. So I just don’t know, but if you find any let me know, okay? Please?

Word-count: 2524

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four

It had taken him almost two weeks to convince her, but eventually, he had managed to force a ‘yes’ out of her lips. And ever since that afternoon in the library she worked at, he had found himself smiling like a fool every day.

“You will scare her away if you keep that creepy smile on your face,” Alex had warned him, but Marco simply didn’t care. And, moreover, his friend didn’t understand. Couldn’t understand. Alex hadn’t scared his girlfriend away. He hadn’t ripped her heart out of her chest. He hadn’t got drunk at the wrong party, hadn’t done what he had done. Alex didn’t know what it felt like, watching as someone he had once loved with all his might tried to get back up on her feet to go on with her life. Didn’t know what it felt like to see Anna take care of his nieces, or how he hadn’t found it in himself to wash the pullover he had lent her. He couldn’t hear nor feel the way his heart kept beating inside his chest, threatening to break his ribs.

All that mattered was that Anna had accepted to come to their New Year’s party – anything else lost its meaning. He had spent days looking for the perfect birthday gift for her and had ended up buying the bracelet Alex had suggested. It was shiny, the thin material catching the light even now, under the dim lights of his bathroom. It could mean ‘it’s nice to have you back,’ or ‘I’d like another chance, go back where we were before I fucked up,’ or ‘please, don’t exit my life again, I couldn’t survive it.’ All things he knew he wouldn’t be able to tell her. He wasn’t going to tell her he loved her, or that he still needed her in his life, still wanted to marry her and have her kids as he had always imagined before things went downhill.

And it was all because he was a stupid coward, he told himself. He could still see the hurt and betrayal behind her smile, could still see the sadness in her grey irises. And when he thought of the tears she must have shed… it killed him, there was no better word to say it.

It killed him that he couldn’t have her. It killed him that he had hurt her. It killed him that maybe, one day, she wouldn’t bear his children but someone else’s. And it killed him that he couldn’t go back in time, couldn’t fix his mistake.

When he looked up in the mirror, he saw Alex leaning against the door frame.

“Are you ready to go?” his friend asked. He was wearing a light pair of jeans and a navy blue button-down, but he was Alex and anything always looked good on him.

“Am I?” Marco honestly didn’t know. It wasn’t like it was the first time he was hanging out with her – though he still couldn’t understand why Anna had yet to yell at him to leave her the fuck alone – he felt as though this time was different, as though, somehow, it was special.

Alex reached him and grabbed him by his shoulders. “I don’t know, buddy. You tell me.”

Marco sighed and closed his eyes for a second.

To hell with the party! He was just going to call in sick, lay down on his couch and drown in his miserable memories.

“I think I need a drink,” he muttered, shoving the little black box with Anna’s present in his pocket.

His friend laughed and stopped him from leaving the bathroom. “Stop with all this shit, Marco,” he warned. “That girl is waiting for you to pick her up. What are you gonna do? Be a coward and not show up?”

Marco didn’t even fight to free himself from Alex’s hold. “What if I mess up again? What if I end up hurting her?”

“And what if you show her you’ve finally manned up and that you’re worthy of her forgiveness? Have you ever thought of that?”

Marco tried to say something, but his mouth opened and closed a few times before he slumped his shoulders and heaved a sigh.

“I’m taking this as a ‘no’,” Alex smiled. “Look, if you don’t’ take the risk, you’ll never know. She’s trusting you enough to let you near her again. And I might not know what happened between the two of you, but it looks like she’s willing to take the risk and see where this thing goes. You even bought her a birthday present! If you don’t go, what are you going to do with it? Leaving it in your pocket to remind you that once you pissed yourself at the thought of hanging out with the girl you’re clearly head over heels in love with?”

Marco shook his head and lowered his gaze. No, he couldn’t do this to her. He couldn’t get back into her life just to screw it up once more. “You don’t understand…” he trailed off.

“And then make me understand!” But when Marco kept silent, Alex groaned and let go of his hold on his friend’s arm. “Okay. Good. Stay at home. I’ going to pick her up and take her out for the night. Maybe I’ll even manage to not make you come off as a gigantic coward.”

Marco didn’t answer. He knew his friend wasn’t going to do something like that to him. He had yet to tell him the reason why Anna had broken up with him – and he wasn’t even sure he was going to open up on that topic with anyone for at least a millennium – but he knew Alex partially understood. But when he left the bathroom and Marco saw him entering his bedroom, a thrill went down his spine.

He wasn’t going to take his phone.

Marco shook his head. No, he wasn’t.

A few moments passed before he heard his friend’s voice talking with someone. “Hi, I’m Alex, Marco’s friend.”

He had never known how fast he could run until the thought of Alex calling his Anna crashed onto his shoulders. He cursed his stupid self for sharing his phone password with his friend. They were like brothers and he knew Alex’s PIN too but would have never thought of something like that.

Alex didn’t even see him coming. Marco just jumped on him from behind, sending him flying onto his bed and tore his phone from his friend’s hand.

For a second he thought it was just a joke. Alex had faked a call just to wake him out of his fears, but when he heard a voice coming from the speakers of his phone, he froze.

“What the fuck did you do?” he hissed, standing up and preparing himself to confront Anna.

Alex was grinning. “I woke you up.”

Marco scoffed and shook his head before pressing the phone against his ear. “Hello?”

“Marco?” Anna sounded confused. What was he going to tell her? “Is everything alright? Are you okay? Did something happen?”

He didn’t even notice the worried tone of her voice, too busy killing his friend with his eyes. “Yes, don’t worry. Alex was just pranking me.”

“God, good,” she sighed. “I thought something bad had happened to you.”

“What? No…”

Anna kept quiet for a few seconds before speaking again. “Do you… Do you want to cancel the date?”

She couldn’t do this to him. She couldn’t show him how well she still knew him now. “No, no, how could you think something like this?”

“I don’t know, I just… I had a feeling, that’s all. I’ll wait for you, then.” He could almost see her smiling, relieved.

“I’ll be there soon,” he reassured her.

He waited for her to hang up before groaning. “I’m so going to kill you, hoe,” he warned.

“You’ll thank me when you’ll make her birthday,” Alex shrugged his shoulders, a stupid smug smile on his face, a smile Marco couldn’t wait to erase.

   When they reached her house, Anna was already outside. She was wearing a red dress, one that looked particularly good on her, and a black jacket, and her hair was braided into a braid that crowned her head like Princess Leia’s.

He hurried out of the car to open the passenger’s door for her while she hurried down the driveway.

“Hi,” she smiled, clutching her purse with both hands.

Marco smiled like an idiot. What was he afraid of? It was as if, suddenly, all his fears flew out of the window and he was left alone with her.

“Are you going to tell her she looks stunning or do I have to do it for you?” Alex’s voice startled them both. He had rolled down the window and was now poking his head in the freezing air of the evening.

“You’re the one who called me,” Anna recognized him and shook the hand Alex was holding out for her.

“Don’t mind him,” Marco stepped in, waiting for her to sit in the car. “He’s just an idiot,” he added, bending over to glare at his friend, sitting behind Anna. When he closed the door, he tried not to pay too much attention to the goosebumps Anna’s cool breath had caused to rise on his neck.

There was no good in deluding himself.

And when he sat down in front of the steering wheel again, he tried to ignore his friends giggling. Alex is not taking her anyway, he told himself. He was his best friend, his partner in crime: he knew he wouldn’t hurt him. It was just a joke. Just a stupid joke, nothing important.

He had been driving for ten minutes when Anna spoke up.

“This is embarrassing, you know?” she chuckled, glancing at him and then at Alex. “I’m still trying to decide if you’re just mad at each other or if you’re planning to kill me and drop me off somewhere.”

Alex laughed, and even Marco giggled. But then the stupid friend he had had to open his stupid mouth and answer with the worst answer he could come up with. “Marco’s just afraid of doing something stupid and scare you away.”

I’m so killing you.

He noticed Anna blushing from the corner of his eye, but when he was about to shut Alex up, she spoke. “Nothing bad will happen, don’t worry.”

The touch on his shoulder made him turn towards her for a second and he saw her smiling. She had faith in him, why couldn’t he have faith in himself, too?

    “I’m sorry for what happened in the car,” he muttered staring at Alex talking with a guy he did not know. “Alex can be… I don’t know, his behavior is beyond my understanding.”

“What happened in the car, Marco?”

He didn’t answer.

“Is that why your friend called me, earlier this evening? Because you were afraid of messing up and wanted to cancel?”

Marco stared at her but all he could see were her tears, her puffy eyes and the smeared makeup she had worn the night he had messed up for real.

“I don’t want to hurt you again,” he confessed.

“You want me to go back home then?”

No. “No!” The strength with which he grabbed her wrist scared him and forced him to let go as if her skin had burned him. “Please, stay. I’m just… nervous.”

Anna smiled and sipped her orange juice – it made him smile, the way she didn’t like alcohol.

Why was he like this? Why did he have to always ruin everything with her?

She was probably thinking of a polite excuse to leave because, heck! He himself was embarrassed by what he had said.

It was then that he saw Alex staring at him from the other side of the crowded room. He was frowning, his arms crossed over his chest. He knew his friend was losing what little courage he had managed to come up with.

‘For fuck’s sake, dude! Take her outside and give her her damn present!’ Alex texted him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t know what to do. It was more like he didn’t know how to do it. What if the bracelet wasn’t enough? Or what if it was too much? They weren’t even as close as he hoped anymore. And that whole car thing had ruined everything.

What was she thinking of him now?

Maybe it embarrassed her too much.

Maybe she’d rather be at home watching the X-Men marathon re-run.

She didn’t know anyone at the party, so maybe she was regretting coming in the first place.

“I’m sorry if I said anything awkward,” she started after a while, looking up at him.

She was uncomfortably leaning against the wall and he knew he should have introduced her to his friends, but what if they said the wrong things? Or what if some of them, even just one, decided to hook up with her?

He rubbed his eyes with his free hand, trying not to sigh again.

“I mean, you’re clearly not having fun. I’m not even sure you still want me here…” she continued. “I know it’s awkward between us since what happened, but I’m trying. I don’t know, maybe I’m failing, but just know that you don’t have to put up with me if you don’t want to. I mean, I shouldn’t be the one putting up with you, but I believe in second chances and…” When he met her eyes, she stopped. “I’m just trying to say that I’m not chaining you down, that if you want to go, then you’re free to go.”

Why was she thinking it was her fault?

“I don’t want to let go of you.” He put the glass down on the floor and grabbed her hand. “I just want to make up for what I did, but I… I’m too afraid of…”

“Messing up?”

He nodded.

“I’m scared, too, but if you never try you never know, right?”

He nodded again before shoving his hand into his pocket. “I bought you this,” he simply stated. “Happy birthday, Anna.” He put the little black box in her hands, sweating nervously. Why did it have to be so difficult? He waited for her to open it before speaking again. “It’s not the original box. The one that came with the bracelet was too big to fit in the pocket, but I have it at home if you want it and…”

“I love it, thank you,” she chuckled. “Can you help me with the clip?”

It took him more than he thought it would, but in the end, the bracelet was secured around her wrist.

“I’m glad you like it,” he confessed, relieved. “There’s something I need to tell you,” he added after a while, lowering his gaze again. “And you don’t have to say it back now. You don’t even have to say it back at all, but I just… need to let it out.”

She squeezed his hand harder. “Okay?”

“I still love you.”

Why is he like this? Also, Alex is my spirit animal in this shit.

PLEASE, CONSIDER LEAVING A COMMENT/MESSAGE/REBLOG SAYING WHAT YOU THINK OF THIS - IT’D REALLY MAKE MY DAY ♥

TAGS

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[drennalynspast]

[ neglection ]

Tuesday, Nov. 04, 2008

Oh lawd.  I always seem to create such unnecessary drama.  I’ve been digging myself in an unpleasant hole.

Firstly, one day, I have had an argument with an online friend.  I rarely argue with my friends.  I hate how it turned came about too.  My e-friend (pseudo named  zd)

 suspected that there was a picture of me online with dave in an amateur pron pic.  I requested that he show me the picture so I could confirm if it was true or not.  Zd was being lame and refused to show it to me  something along the lines of how he had to validate his assumptions with it prior to showing me.  He wanted to make is own judgments and observe things first.   I am all, wtf, man, just show me the picture.

If frustrated me how he wouldn’t listen and was selfish in trying to concern his needs over the fact that this picture pertained to me- and had nothing to do with him.  I just felt like he was toying with my emotions and seemed to have little regard for what I was feeling.  I was getting fucking pissed.  My crappy net caused me to be disconnected from msn.  When I returned, zd sent a message, I just killed our friendship. I am dumb.  I was still irked.  But, eventually things became less hot-blooded in the conversation.  I told him how I felt like I couldn’t be open to him as much anymore.

 He apologized and showed me the image. It wasn’t me.  But the individual looked somewhat closely similar  the picture wasn’t a good quality though, so it is hard to tell.  I told him how I don’t blame him for his assumptions.  Sometimes, I just find it difficult to really express how I am to him anymore...but things change. -------------------- So yeah, I did badly on my o-test.  I am still trying. I know I did better than last semester though.  Even if it is a bad grade, it is better than the first one. So I guess that shows something, I am making some progress.  Even if it isn’t that great, if I can just only try harder.  I went over to kevin’s place so he could help me with the test problems that I got wrong. He really helped me understand it better.  Just talking out the problems with other people makes me understand things more.  I think I should go get help from this guy more often. even if he is hitting on me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Throughout this week, after that friend argument and test news, I’ve been feeling down.  But not critically down. Though somehow, another factor just seems to have magnified how my melancholy emotions are. Dave has been distant lately.  He still talks to me, but he doesn’t hang out with me as much as we used to in the past.  He has personal problems and is busy schoolwork and doesn’t want to involve me in them.  As a result, he appears to be distancing himself from me more.   I admit, I feel neglected especially physically since I haven’t had sex/made out in almost a month X_X.  but I understand people have lives and they should prioritize their needs over mine.  Yes, school and personal affairs are very important. I just wish I could at least hang out with him once a week.  Even for an hour or two  hell, we don’t have to be physical with each other.  I don’t mind just sitting next to him and studying/working on schoolwork.  It just annoys me how someone isn’t willing to allow a small amount of time to be with me.  I know, at this point, I feel fucking clingy and needy.  But I don’t think I am requesting things too much when only a small amount of time is sufficient.  It is not like I call the dude 24/7.  Perhaps I should just be satisfied with the 45 minutes I see him 5 days a week during lunch at school. Apparently I learned he has been having a bothersome medical condition that started occurring lately.  He refuses to tell me the details.  He told me that he needs some distance with things until he 'figures things out'.  God damn it, it pisses me off how men will always offer help to people, but the refuse to receive it for themselves.  It's in their nature where they have to try to prove their own worth and strength.  If they can't solve their own fucking problem, they feel like they are weaker.  Or if they consult help from people, it will tell them that what they are dealing with is extremely serious and 'zomg real'.   Fiine..fine.  Yes, there are some times where I refuse to tell my shit problems to people.  I don't want them to be worried about me and/or I think that they simply would not care.  I feel like their lives are certainly more important than mine, so why the hell would they give a flipping shit about me?  And yes, we all play the hypocrite in wanting to help people, but we don't want others to know about our own problems. Sometimes...you just have to let it out - talk to people about it. From personal experience, bottling things up is really painful.  I don't want someone to suffer alone. Aren't we cowards when we run away?  Aren't we acting like scared little children? Is it really wise to abandon a helpful resource out there  friend support?).  You don't have to tell me the details of your problem..I just want to be there for you somehow, in any way. I don't want someone to feel neglected and alone.  It pains me to know they want distance.  Okay, if that is what Dave is wanting, then fine...I will try to accept it.  But I do want him to know that no matter what happens,  I do care. I am not the type of person who will run away. I've been feeling fucking tired - even though I seem to have had decent hours of sleep.  After I would wake up from a nap, I would somehow still feel tired.  I also just feel like doing nothing...and would want to brood - sit on my bed, wrap myself up in blankets and kill time online. Eventually I would get out of this period of feeling extremely down.  I would be 'okay'.  Then later on during the end of the night, it would come creeping back to me - this emptiness, hollow and blank feeling. Fuuck, must be my female hormones, me on pms, side effects of the birth control pill (lol depression?),  or just...me.  I have no clue.  I need to fucking pull myself together.  Eventually I ended up telling ZD some more personal things.  I guess I don't give a shit what happens.  Maybe this is showing how desperate I am in needing to talk to people - that, I am willing to pour out my feelings to someone online who I have never seen or met. T_T