#I could express myself through songs cause sometimes words just don’t work
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Tolerate It
Summary: Reader struggles with feeling like Hotch is growing distant.
Pairing: Aaron Hotchner x gn!Reader
Category: fluff/angst
Warnings: the reader has thoughts/feelings of inadequacy
Word Count: 3200+
Notes: This is my entry for @railmereid‘s 2k writing challenge! It was inspired by Taylor Swift’s song tolerate it! I think there’s only one direct quote (I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life).
You met Aaron on accident. It could be said that a lot of people are met on accident, and that’s just how people meet other people. But with Aaron it felt different. It felt as though every little thing that went wrong that day lead you to the accident that would introduce Aaron Hotchner into your life.
After the shit show that was today, all you want to do is get home and sleep. Maybe also eat dinner, but honestly even food is on the backburner of your mind right now.
Your drive home from work was the first uneventful thing to happen all day, a necessary moment of peace. You made it into your apartment without any trouble, swiftly moving to change into your fluffiest pajamas and sleep.
The second your head hit your pillow, the fire alarm sounded. The blaring alarm screeched in your ears as you groaned. You forced yourself out of bed to comply with the alarm. Without thinking, you put on your slippers, grabbed your keys, and walked out the front door.
Once you made it to the street, you turned to see the building really was on fire. It looked contained to one patio, but it was big enough for you to give up your plans of sleep. Instead, you chose to turn on your heel and walk down the street to escape the crowd.
You didn’t have a plan as to where you were going. You just wanted it to be quiet. Before long, you found yourself in a park. Looking around, you spotted an empty bench. Perfect. You can just sit, enjoy the quiet of the park for however long it takes to fix the fire issue.
You start trekking toward the bench, now walking with a purpose, when you notice a man chasing his child. The child laughs loudly, joy so clear on his face. The man smiles at him, still running behind him.
His smile is so infectious, it has its own magnetic force pulling you towards him. Switching directions from the bench, you are now walking toward the grassy area they are playing in, not looking at your surroundings. You’re so captivated by the happiness on display in front of you, you don’t notice the change in terrain.
You end up tripping on a rock, falling and tumbling down the slight decline to land in a heap at the feet of the very man whose smile distracted you.
To make matters worse, he was not stationary. No, that would have been to simple. He was, in fact, still chasing the child. So, rather than rolling to a stop and looking up at him, you rolled right into him, causing him to lose his balance and fall over you.
The two of you were a tangled mess of limbs piled on top of each other. Slowly, carefully the two of you separated, gingerly moving arms and legs to avoid further injury. Helping each other rise from the ground, you were both speechless, equal parts amused and horrified at what just happened.
“Are you okay?”
You jumped at the sudden intrusion that brought you back to reality. Spinning around, you realized it was the child.
It took you an embarrassing amount of time to form a response. “Oh, um... yes I’m okay. Thank you.” Turning back to the man, you finally realized what just happened. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry! Are you okay?”
He chuckled, a small smirk appearing on his face before he replied, “Yeah, I’m fine.”
“Oh, good.” Your relief was short lived as you realized what you were wearing and how you were dressed. “Please tell me you didn’t see me roll all the way down the hill?” You cringed at the thought.
“I could say it, but it wouldn’t be very honest.” Again, a small laugh left his lips.
“Do you think we could pretend?” You took a deep breath as he quirked his eyebrow. “Ya know, that I didn’t just make a complete fool of myself?”
“But that’s not true! Daddy said when something’s not true it’s a lie and lies are bad.” The boy chimed in again, earning a chuckle from both adults. You bent down to talk to him.
“You are absolutely right, lying is bad.” You nodded along with him, matching his serious expression.
He took in your expression, as if judging the sincerity of your statement. Slowly, a smile began to form as if he was glad you agreed with him. “Do you want to play tag with us?”
Looking from him to his father, you took the slight smile and nod of his head as an invitation to accept his offer. “I would love to.”
That series of accidents led you to where you are now, though. A year and a half later you are sitting in your shared home, watching Aaron Hotchner do paperwork for what feels like the millionth night in a row. More realistically, it is the ninth night in a row, but you’re feeling lonely and dramatic. Those nine nights have been spread out over the past month, interrupted by nights he spends away from home.
You yearn to be closer to him. All it would take is for you to cross the room, but it feels as though the distance from the couch you are lounging on to the desk he is working at is too far, like there is some impassible divide preventing you from interrupting him.
So you just keep watching. It has been 36 minutes since you started your observing. If he sticks to his pattern, he’ll pause in nine minutes to stretch, giving him the opportunity to notice your eyes on him. You’re hopeful that this time he’ll smile when he sees you.
So you wait. You watch him read. You notice the way his head dips just a bit lower as he tries to focus tired eyes on the smudged handwriting of a fellow agent. You notice how his hand squeezes the pen tighter than before, turning the once smooth glide of ink across the page into rushed, jagged strokes of letters. You notice the barely there wince as he flips the page, the result of the familiar feeling of a paper cut he’s grown all too used to. You notice everything he does. Which is why you’re not surprised when he speaks.
“You’re staring.”
Glancing at your phone, you note the time. Nine minutes later. Right on schedule. The smile you hoped for is noticeably missing, replaced by a curious tilt of his head.
“I’m basking in your presence.”
If he wanted to, he could figure out how lonely and dramatic you are feeling. But with the majority of his energy still directed towards the many reports on his desk, he only notices the surface level. Tired, slightly miffed, but enjoying that he is home.
There was once a time when he would have noticed it all though. A time when he noticed everything about you, sometimes before you had even noticed it about yourself. You’ve learned how to hide it though, to save him the energy that would be expended to profile you.
“You should consider a new career path. Comedy could really be for you.”
His deadpan joke doesn’t surprise you, but him rising from his desk chair does. For a minute, you expect him to come to you. To attempt to cross the impassible divide you’ve built in your head. Instead, he turns into the kitchen. He pauses at the island, drinking from the glass he never brings to his desk to prevent anything from ruining his files.
When he returns to his desk, squandering any lingering hope that he may have been done for the night, you rise. Unwilling to do what you had hoped of him, you turn away from his desk and move toward the stairs. Just before you lose sight of him, you turn back.
“Don’t forget to sleep tonight.”
Your tone is soft, emphasizing your concern to cover up the lingering loneliness.
“I’ll be up soon.”
You respond with a slight nod of your head, another thing unnoticed by Aaron as his eyes never left the files.
You flitter through the second level as you complete your routine to prepare yourself to sleep for the night.
You can’t help but notice the cold sheets on the empty side of the bed as you wait for Aaron, knowing you’ll likely be asleep before he comes to bed.
--
You’re surprised to wake up the next morning with Aaron still in bed next to you. You watch his chest rise and fall with the steady in and out of his breath. His face is fully relaxed, a sight you so rarely get to see.
You’re not sure how long you watch him sleep, but you notice when his rhythmic breathing changes pattern indicating he’s waking up. His eyes flutter open slowly, allowing you to see the exact moment he notices you.
“You’re staring again.”
The smile you are still hoping for is again absent from his face, too used to the frown that has taken over his features near permanently for the past month.
“I’m still basking in your presence.”
You notice the beginnings of a grin forming on his face. The twinkle in his eyes. The slight twitch of his lips. It’s nearly there when the moment is interrupted by the distinct, shrill ringtone indicating a call from the bureau.
You watch as he sits up to answer the phone with his typical “Hotchner”. If you hadn’t spent the last year noticing everything you could about the man, you would doubt that he had been asleep less than three minutes ago.
His brows furrow, his body leaning forward to sit a little straighter as he takes in the information from whoever is on the other end of the phone. His eyes trace the pattern of your comforter, up until he throws the blanket off of himself to rise to his feet. He’s changing into his suit before hanging up. Without even hearing his responses, you can tell where this is headed.
After he hangs up, you speak before he has the chance.
“I take it you won’t be here for dinner with my parents tonight? I’ll try to reschedule it.”
The question should express your loneliness, but you do well to hide the full truth. It’s easy to sound understanding because you are. You do understand, which is why you never plan to tell him how you feel.
The grim expression is enough for you to know you’re right, you don’t need the verbal confirmation. You nod your head, a smile on your face that doesn’t meet your eyes as he walks out of your bedroom.
--
While Aaron was away, you did everything you could to keep yourself busy outside of your typical 9 to 5 workday. Aside from the typical reading, cleaning, and TV watching you normally do you; you successfully navigated another conversation with your parents about why it was necessary to reschedule dinner a second time and played action figures with Jack, always in agreement about how his daddy is a hero.
Every night you found yourself staring at the door, hoping it would swing open and reveal him on the other side. Every night you grew less hopeful and more discouraged than the one previous.
--
Five days after he left, Aaron returned to your shared home. Despite the late hour, you waited for him on the couch. Knowing he probably hadn’t eaten dinner, you kept some food warm for him.
When the door swung open, you were in front of it in seconds. You pulled him into a hug, one he was too exhausted to reciprocate, and kissed his cheek.
Moving farther into the house, he dropped his files on his desk swiftly turning to head upstairs.
“I kept dinner warm for you.”
Your words stalled him at the bottom of the stairs. He turned around slowly, barely looking at you.
“I actually ate with the team tonight.”
His words hit you like a bus, but you turned to hide it. He didn’t eat with the team often, so you never blamed him when he stayed with them a bit longer than usual.
“Oh, okay. I’ll just put it in a container for tomorrow then. Did you want to talk about the case?”
You’ve always been willing to help him carry the weight of his job, but you’ve been trying harder to get him to open up this past month. Typically he brushes you off, tells you he’s fine, and then buries himself in paperwork.
He surprised you this time. Maybe he could tell you were upset, or maybe he was just too far in his head. Either way, rather than continuing on his path up the stairs, he moved to sit in the kitchen while you put the food away.
You listened as he ranted about the local officers withholding information about the case. You listened as he complained about the poor weather. You listened to every word, slowly washing and drying the dishes until they were sparkling. You listened until you were practically asleep, leaning against the sink. You didn’t dare to interrupt in fear he would shut down again. Or maybe it was you shutting down, but that’s a thought for another time.
When he finished talking, he rose from his chair, too worked up to sleep now, he sat down at his desk.
You watched, noticing everything you could.
--
Your weeks repeated much the same for the next few months. Your loneliness morphed into something new with each night you spent watching Aaron work.
It’s one such night when everything changes. You were trying to watch him work, but your thoughts drifted away from his actions as you lost yourself in your memories.
The first case Aaron went on after you moved in with him and Jack was the hardest for you. After a straight week of seeing him so often around the house, it felt like a slap in the face to come home and not have him there. Somehow you made it through, and you were clingier than usual when he came home.
He noticed how it affected you. That was before you started hiding your feelings from him. He told you he thought about you in every spare moment. That he wanted to solve the case even more than usual just so he could come home to see you even just a few minutes sooner.
He calmed all of your fears, protecting you from your own intrusive thoughts about holding him back when he was working.
You couldn’t help but think about every time he recognized how you were feeling and did what he could to help. How he would reassure you that he wanted to be with you, bringing you little key chains or stuffed animals from the cities he travelled to. How he would smile when he saw you. Where was that man now?
You thought back to the first day you met Aaron. It was like he saved you from a terrible day, bringing a smile to your face after hours upon hours of crap.
“Do you think we could pretend?” You laugh lightly to yourself at the memory of Jack telling you not to lie. Not realizing you spoke the words out loud, you’re surprised to hear Aaron from across the room.
“Pretend what?” The confusion is clear in his voice and the furrow of his brows.
“Hmm? Oh, um. I was just thinking about the first day we met.” Tears begin to brim your eyes as you think about how much everything has seemed to change. “And how you became my whole world and now I feel like I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life.” The tears are now freely falling down your face.
Aaron looks even more confused now. “What?” He’s frozen at his desk, pen in hand, reports on the surface in front of him.
“I’m so sorry. I just feel like I’m taking up so much of your time and you have such important things to do! God, I’m so selfish. I’ve tried so hard to hide it though, so you can focus on people who actually need your help.” The panic in your voice grows as you speak, along with the tears falling from your eyes.
“Y/N...” Suddenly, Aaron is on his feet, easily crossing the imaginary divide you’ve built in between the couch and his desk. He slows down, moving gently as he pulls you into him on the couch, moving your legs across his lap so he could pull you into his chest. “Sweetheart, you could never take up too much of my time.” He speaks slowly, so as not to start another round of sobbing.
“What?” Your confusion is clearly communicated with the one word question, but you’re on a roll with your feelings so why stop now. “Are you saying it’s all in my head? Bu-, but, but you’ve been so busy every time you’ve been home! I’ve barely seen you, and I’ve tried so hard to not let it bother me because I know how important what you do is! I do, I understand it all so much. I could never be mad at you for working so hard. I just feel like you’re tolerating me being here when you have so many more important things to do.”
Now breathless, your rant ends with more tears forming in your eyes. Aaron is quick to wipe them away as they fall. “You’re right. I have been busy.” His voice is full of concern and regret as he thinks about the past few months. “But please don’t ever doubt for a second that you are the most important thing in the world to me.” He pauses for a second before continuing. “Well, other than Jack.” This earns him a slight chuckle from you before you reply.
“Jack is the most important to me too.” Your clear your throat, hesitant to voice your next question. “You’re not mad at me?”
Aaron looks so taken aback, you would laugh if you weren’t so nervous. “I could never be mad at you. Especially not for having completely valid feelings. I’m so sorry I haven’t been as present as I should’ve been. I love you so much, Y/N. More than I could ever put into words, and I will be doing a better job of showing you just how much you mean to me from now on.” There’s a slight edge to his voice, as though he’s annoyed with himself for you feeling this way. “Please, don’t ever hide your feelings from me. I never want to lose you.” His own voice is cracking, slight tears in his eyes at the idea of you not being in his life.
“I promise.” You lean up to kiss him, trying to convey just how much you’ve missed him.
“Let’s go to bed.” He lifts you up from the couch, carrying you toward the stairs.
You shriek, clinging to him even more. “It’s only 9:15!” You laugh at his antics. “What about your reports?”
“I have more important things to do right now.” He smirks at you, quickly moving into the bedroom to show you just how much he cares about you.
permanent tag list:
@mac99martin @goldeng1rl8 @measure-in-pain
#renswritingchallenge#aaron hotch hotchner#aaron hotch x reader#aaron hotchner angst#aaron hotchner fluff#Criminal Minds#criminal minds x reader#hotch x reader
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Octatrio pining for a singular S/O? Or maybe Jade gifting terrariums to people? I have a lot of Octavinelle ideas ha
pining octatrio scenario for the soul. love these morally dubious fish men. i hope you like my interpretation of this ksdjkskd
prompt: octavinelle pining for the same person.
word count: 1114
Mostro Lounge is as lively as usual, the clinking of glasses and silverware against plates echoing around you as you flip through your textbooks, the white noise helping you focus on the content at hand.
You’d been there for a while today, exams were coming up, and you really didn’t want to mess up this time. It turned out that the lounge was the place where it was easier for you to focus, so you’ve become quite the regular recently.
It wasn’t a place without its distractions, though -- They came every now and then, making you look up from your books and notes, losing your train of thought.
“Excuse me,” Coincidentally, it seemed to be the time for one of these distractions -- Jade Leech walks up to you gracefully, a couple menus in his arms. Was he working today? He hadn’t greeted you yet. “Would you perhaps like something to drink? You’ve been here for quite a while.”
“Ah, I’ve had one already.” You answer almost immediately. Jade and you didn’t really talk that much, but you saw him often, and whenever you did, he’d hover over you like this -- It’s sort of strange, you can never tell what he has going on in his head, unsettlingly. But he’s always so polite, it’s hard to deny that he could be really charming...
Jade chuckles lightly. “Yes, you did an hour and some ago. But that’s a bit too long, isn’t it? You shouldn’t go thirsty.” He speaks, and opens the menu in front of you. “Won’t you choose something for me to bring to you? I’ll give you a discount if it means you take care of yourself.”
A discount? Azul wouldn’t like that. Now that he said it, though, it’d been a while since you had anything to drink. He pushes the menu towards you a little.“W-Well, I guess it’s fine, then.” You mutter, always caught off guard by how he gives you attention. It’s hard to imagine that someone like Jade would, so suddenly, grow fond of you. You flip through the menu shortly before choosing a drink.
“Excellent choice.” Jade praises, still with that unflappable smile. “I’ll be back shortly. Be sure to take breaks.”
“R-Right! Thank you...”
Jade really was... a surprisingly nice guy.
With your evening just a little brightened, you’re about to go back to the books. Before that can happen, though, the second Leech brother rushes towards your table in a flash.
“Shrimpy!” Floyd sing-songs, hopping onto the plush seat in front of yours. “Hi there! I didn’t see you today!”
These Octavinelle students sure are energetic today, you think with a quiet laugh. “Hi, Floyd.” You greet back. “Sorry we can’t talk much, I really gotta study.”
“Eh, that’s so boring.” He whines, but the smile stays on his face as he tilts his head, mismatched eyes watching you closely. "Don't you wanna hang out with me? There's something outside the dorm I wanna show you!"
A tempting offer, really, but all your books glare at you -- You glance at them for a bit, genuinely considering it, but ultimately shake your head
"No, sorry. I'm screwed if I don't do well in these." You say, regrettably. Floyd pouts. "Maybe after the exams though?"
"I wanna hang out with Shrimpy now, though." He whines, cheek resting on one of his hands. Before you notice it, his free hand reaches forward, towards a lock of your hair, and he brushes your bangs off your face casually. Your shoulders stiffen, face heating up. "Pretty please? I promise you it'll be really fun!"
"U-Um." You stutter. Floyd was always touchy, but it never failed to catch you off guard. You have to avert your eyes from his, feeling way too close to just giving in. "S-Sorry, Floyd, I promise that later we'll--"
"Floyd!" Suddenly, Azul's exasperated voice fills the scenario, he marches towards your table. "What are you doing here? You're supposed to be at the kitchen today!"
"I don't feel like it, though." He complains. His hand near you lingers just for a bit, sort of cold agaisnt your warm cheeks before it drops. "I worked every day this week already! I'm not doing it today."
"Frankly, you..." Azul sighs, pushing his glasses up with a defeated expression. There's no use arguing with Floyd, everyone knows that, he just does what he wants. "Fine. I expect you to make up for this whenever you're working again, though."
"Yeah, whatever." He giggles "I guess I'm gonna be by myself then, since Shrimpy can't come with me...so sad~"
He's getting up to leave when Azul seems to finally notice your presence, perking up at the sight.
"Oh, my apologies, I didn't see you there!" He says quickly, light pink dusted over his cheeks. "Has Floyd caused you any problems? He can be so troublesome when he wants to..."
"Don't worry about it, he just wanted to hang out." You shrug. Azul nods at that, patting down his jacket like he needed to make sure there were no wrinkles -- He acted so frantic sometimes.
"That may be troublesome, though, since you're studying right now, am I right?" He speaks, taking a step closer to inspect the books on your table. "Are you having a hard time with these? I'm able to tutor you, if you need to."
Being in debt to Azul is never a good idea. "Um, no, I don't really have anything to offer for that. Thank you, though." Somehow, this doesn't seem to discourage him much -- Though he averts his eyes, weirdly, as he adjusts the hat on his head.
"W-Well, it's a simple task, I wouldn't require any compensation for that." It comes out a little mumbly, contrasting Azul's usual poise. He won't look you in the eyes now. "I...If you don't believe me, I'll sign something for you!"
"Ah, well." You mutter, unsure of how to reply. "I mean, I'm doing okay with these, but if I need help later, then..."
His face lights up quickly. "Wonderful. I'll be happy to help." He almost beams at you, a small laugh leaving him after he speaks. "I'll leave you to it now, but if you need anything at all, don't hesitate to contact me!"
"Sure, thank you, Azul." It seems that you'd be able to get back to your studying soon. Hopeful, you pick up the textbook you were looking at before. "You're actually a kind person, huh."
"N-Naturally." And he averts his eyes again, cheeks pinker. "I'll...I suppose I'll leave now. I'll see you around."
"See you!"
You watch him leave for a moment. These Octavinelle students sure were strange, huh?
#twst#twisted wonderland#disney twst#disney twisted wonderland#twst scenarios#twst imagines#azul ashengrotto#jade leech#floyd leech#azul ashengrotto x reader#jade leech x reader#floyd leech x reader#lis writing
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Play Me A Song
Paring: Tom Holland x fem!reader
Summary: This is based off the video of Tom playing guitar that he posted on Instagram:) Tom facetimes you to help brighten up your day.
Warnings: none
A/n: Not me using fan fiction as a coping mechanism for my stress, yet ONCE AGAIN.
。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆
✧───── ・ 。゚★: *. ☽.* :★. ─────✧
“Hellooo, gorgeous girl!” Tom cooed as his face popped up onto your phone screen.
You let out a nasally giggle, the side of your face snuggling deeper into the pillow Tom would use when he was over at your house.
Tom tilts his head at the phone, a hint of a smile on his blush colored lips. The action caused his mop of chocolate brown curls to slightly bounce, catching your attention. You longed for the feeling of running your hands through his soft hair. You missed the way it felt between your fingers and how it would make Tom nuzzle closer to you.
“How was your day? You sounded a bit upset on the phone.” He checked in, voice soft and sweet, yet full of concern. His brows furrowed, causing a wrinkle to form between his brows.
You breath in, smelling the hints of him on your pillow. He was miles away, FaceTime allowed you to see and talk to him, though it wasn’t the same as him being beside you. If you were together right now, he would probably envelop you with his protective arms, pull you into his warm chest, and press kisses all over any bit of your exposed skin. His curls would tickle against your neck while he buried his head into the small space between your neck and shoulders—though you wouldn’t mind the tickle because it would remind you that he was there with you.
You sighed, “Today was a rough day. My professors have been piling work on us and I got called into work on my day off. I haven’t even gotten to start that research paper for class—I’m just so burnt out. I’m tired of trying, Tommy.”
Tom pouted, bringing the camera near his face to feel closer to you. He only felt the heat of his phone screen against his face, but he could still feel the light vibrations of your voice through the phone’s speakers. He placed the speaker of his phone slightly atop his chest, so he could feel the rhythm of your words against him. It reminded him of the days you two would cuddle after the both of you had long days at work. You would tell each other about your days and bask in the feeling of being in each other’s arms. He missed the feeling of being close to you.
“I know you have a lot of work to do, but you need to give yourself breaks, darling. And don’t tell me that you don’t need a break, you’re human (y/n), there’s only so much you can do in a day.” He began. Tom knew how you could get when college got overwhelming. Sometimes there were weeks where you would throw yourself into work, with no sleep, minimal food, and too many cups of coffee. He adored the diligence you had for your education, he wished he could’ve had that when he was still in school, but he wanted to make sure that you were taking care of yourself.
“Listen, you got this, I know you do. You’re the most intelligent and hard working woman I have ever met in my life. There’s nothing you can’t do, because I know, one way or another, you’re gonna find a way to do it. You always do. I just don’t want you to forget to take care of yourself. I know your education is important, but so are you.” He finished, a small smile forming on his lips. You hum in response, “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of myself Tommy.”
What you say seems to reassure him, his shoulders visibly loosened up and the smile on his face grows a bit wider. Your own lips turn up on their own, reciprocating his smile.
“How about you, how was your day?” You ask him. Tom sits up and leans against his headboard.
“Well they’re still renovating the house, so Harry and I decided to rent out a place not too far from mum and dad’s. We actually had lunch with them, I got to see Tessa—gosh, I wish you were here right now. Tess was bouncing all over the place and giving everyone kisses, you would’ve loved it. And Paddy! He’s gotten so much taller since I’ve last seen him, and his voice keeps getting deeper, it’s actually embarrassing for me to be beside him because I’m older and I sound like I’m the one going through puberty.” He rambled, one of his hands making gestures and his face making expressions as he spoke. You loved the way he could just go on about a certain topic, especially when it came to his family. As sad as it was to see him leave for the UK, you were also happy because you knew he’d get to see his family.
He continued to talk about his day until his leg bumped into something, causing a hollow thump to emit from the object.
“What was that?” He leaned forward, the sound of his sheets rustling as he moved to grab the object filling your speakers.
“My guitar.” He grunted, holding the instrument up. “Remember, you got this for me for my birthday!” He proudly reminded you. You had gotten him the Ed Sheeran edition Martin Guitar after he had been going on and on about wanting to learn how to properly play the instrument. At the same time, he had a little obsession with Ed Sheeran and his music, so when you saw the guitar in the shop, you thought why not? You knew he would love it.
You fondly chuckled at him, “Yeah I do! You even promised to write me a song one day after you opened it.”
The last part of your sentence caught his attention, “I will write you a song one day, I’m very serious about that promise, love.” He pointed at you.
“Oh, are you?” You tease him.
“Yes, I am. In fact, ever since I’ve gotten back home, I’ve been practicing again and I’m doing much better.” He confidently told you.
“Can you play me a song?” You softly ask him.
“I can play you ‘Grow as we Go’ by Ben Platt. It’s the song I’ve been practicing.” He placed his phone against a pillow, using it as a stand. He placed the guitar in his lap, positioning his fingers on the frets and strings of the guitar.
“Yeah, play anything. I just wanna hear you play.” You mumble, your voice coming out in a muffle against Tom’s pillow.
“Just a warning, it’s probably not that good.” He mentions, shooting you a playful look.
“I don’t care.” You smile. He starts to softly strum the opening of the Ben Platt song and you couldn’t help but smile. He looked away from the camera, trying to focus on the notes and giving you a good look at the side of his face. The light shines part of his face, leaving the features you can see dark in the shadow, though it didn’t stop you from making out his gorgeous brown eyes. His long fingers move fluidly along the strings, creating a sweet melody on the guitar.
He stumbles a bit, making him whisper “Bollocks.” The little hiccup didn’t stop him from playing and so he continued to strum the guitar. You decided to stay quiet, letting him be in the zone. He messes up again, this time saying “bollocks” louder than the first time. You see him slightly shake his head as he regains his focus and places his fingers on the proper strings again.
You fondly watch him as he play, admiring the man you call your boyfriend. His fingers twitch on the string causing him to pause. He sucks his teeth, a bit of a frustrated grin on his face.
“Mmm.” He looks at you before turning away, “Okay.” He plays again, brows furrowed together in concentration as he tries to play the part of the song his keeps messing up on. You couldn’t contain the giggle that came out of you when he cringed at the sound the guitar made when he tried to play past the note. He pauses looking at the ceiling and tries to figure out the next notes.
“Alright, last time.”
“You’ve got it.” You encourage him. Your words give him some confidence and he shoots you a sweet smile. He readjusts the guitar in his lap, this time keeping his eyes on the strings as he plays. He strums the song again, starting off slow then slowly getting faster. Though his pacing was off by a bit, the song still sounded great nonetheless. You were thoroughly impressed.
He stops playing sitting back against the headboard, “I don’t know why I speed up though. I don’t know why I decide to do it so quickly.” He says into the camera.
You laugh, “It still sounds great though, I really enjoyed it.”
Tom tilts his head at you, teasingly squinting at the camera, “Even with the amount of times I kept stopping?”
“Yes, even with the amount of times you kept stopping.” You laugh, adjusting your phone. Tom puts the guitar aside and grabs his phone. He lays back on his bed, his head resting on his pillow and his curls sprawling out on the cushiony white surface. One of his hands rest behind his head as he stares at you.
“I’m gonna keep practicing. So the next time I see your beautiful face I can serenade you with a song and my guitar.” He muses, a lazy grin on his features.
“That sounds like something out of a chick flick.” You snort. He shoots you a playful glare, “Shut up, you love it.”
Tom knew you were a sucker for chick flick gestures. Kissing in the rain, watching the sunset, you name it.
You sigh, scrunching up your nose, “Yeah, I do.”
“But only from you.”
。・:*:・゚★,。・:*:・゚☆
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#marvel#mcu#avengers#Tom Holland#tom holland x reader#tom holland x y/n#Tom Holland imagine#tom holland fluff#tom holland one shot#tom holland headcanon#tom holland drabble#thomas stanley holland#Peter Parker#peter parker x reader#tom holland fanfiction
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take a chance on me - b.b.
here's something I wrote for @buckyblues 4k writing challenge! I've been wanting to get back into writing, so here's my first go at it :)
using the song prompt "take a chance on me by abba." @edenslibrary
be sure to let me know what you think :) reblogs, likes and comments are appreciated 😊
bucky barnes x reader
summary: bucky has a crush on you. he's doubtful of himself, messes up, but turns it around.
WARNINGS: sfw. fluffy. some tiny tiny angst. bucky being self deprecating. huge hate of chekhov. bookstore owner!reader.
word count: 2.3k
Bucky replays his conversation with you a billion times within the couple of minutes it takes for him to walk from the quaint little book shop to his apartment.
After his favorite bookstore closed, Bucky took to finding a new one and stumbled upon the Murky Lime. He thought the name was strange, a little off putting, but as soon as he walked in, Bucky knew he was going to enjoy spending his afternoons there. It always smelled like hazelnut or vanilla, a scent he found so incredibly comforting that he bought a hazelnut scented candle for his home. Although it was a small shop, the shelves were loaded with books and he was able to find a hidden corner to sit down and read for a couple of hours, unbothered.
Not to mention the pretty girl that worked at the main desk and seemed to be the owner. You were there every afternoon that Bucky stopped by. He noticed how you would paint your nails when there weren’t as many customers. How kind your words were to anyone who asked for help. It took him a couple of weeks to work up the courage to ask you to help him find a book, even though he knew exactly where it was.
Bucky remembers when he complimented your bracelet and you smiled, stuttering out a thank you. The first time he saw you nervous. It gave him hope that maybe you were into him, but Bucky pushed away those thoughts as quickly as they came.
He couldn’t fathom how someone would truly want to be with him. Besides, he had enough on his plate, what with helping Sam on whatever mission he called him on and dealing with the occasional nightmare that haunted his mind.
That’s why he keeps on replaying the conversation. And cursing at himself for being so stupid.
…
“Hey Bucky!” Your words were cheerful, causing heat to rise up on his cheeks. You loved how a simple greeting seemed to get him all flustered. He’s still not used to even hearing his name come from your lips.
“How’re you doing, doll?” He lets the endearment slip, hoping he’d get to see you smile, and you do, before turning away and pointing at a box.
“I’m alright! And if you don’t mind, and you can totally say no, but I got a whole new set of Chekhov plays and I need to bring them to the play section, which is the furthest point from here and the box is a bit too heavy and I was going to make multiple trips but now you’re here and-”
“Of course I’ll help,” Bucky responded, chuckling at your babbling. You sighed, secretly hating your rambling habit, but it was hard not to when a handsome man was standing in front of you.
“I thought you hated Chekhov?” Bucky asked, picking up the box and following you to the play section.
“Oh I do, but a customer has been calling in for the last three weeks, asking if we have Chekhov and I thought I should finally put my Chekhov hating ass aside to appease the people who adore him,” you told him.
You couldn’t remember when you told Bucky you hated Chekhov, but you did not necessarily need to say it for someone to understand your distaste for the author.
“Or they could’ve just gone to a different bookstore,” Bucky mumbled, but you heard and let out a laugh. He put the box down and leaned against the opposite book shelf, hoping you would continue talking to him as you put the books away.
“So, I had another question for you,” you said, sneaking one glance at him before looking away.
“Go for it.”
“I was wondering if you wanted to go out sometime? Not sure where but we could just go get some coffee? Or go out to dinner?”
This was it, the penultimate moment Bucky had been dreaming about ever since he laid eyes on you. Yet his mouth began speaking before he could really take it in.
“Um, no,” he said, immediately widening his eyes at your expression. Your mouth dropped to say something, but you weren’t sure what to even say.
“I mean, I don’t know. I don’t think I can, right now, maybe?” You raised an eyebrow at him and smiled softly.
“It’s okay to say no, Bucky.”
“I know that, I know. I think I’m just not ready right now,” he said, his voice quieter as he said the last part. His brain was screaming at him to retract everything he had just said to you and to tell you he would go on a date, but Bucky could not do it. He already felt like he had failed and saw no point in trying.
“That’s okay. But...if you ever change your mind, let me know, I’d still be down,” you said.
You were slightly disappointed, but understood his reasoning even if he didn't give you an exact one.
Ever since he first came to your shop, you knew exactly who the tall, blue eyed man was. It was hard trying to comprehend everything James Bucky Barnes had gone through. You knew asking him out might’ve been a big step from having occasional small talk. A small part of you hoped he would take a chance on you someday.
...
Bucky throws his jacket haphazardly onto the couch as soon as he gets home, not caring that it ends up falling to the floor. He lights the candle on the kitchen counter and collapses onto the couch face first, letting out the sigh that was building up in him ever since he left the Murky Lime.
How could he do that? Was he actually not ready to date? He told himself he wasn’t, that’s why he felt like he had to say no to your date. But god, does Bucky want to go out with you and hold your hand and kiss your cheek. He hasn’t felt this feeling in a long while.
All the therapy sessions with Dr. Raynor flood his mind. The ones where she encouraged him to try dating and finding new friends but he brushed it off, feeling like he was unworthy of it. How could a sweet girl like you see something in him, he simply did not understand it. But you liked him enough to ask him on a date and he fucking said no.
Bucky sends Sam a quick text that’s more like an entire paragraph explaining the situation and what he should do. He throws his phone to the other side of the couch and drops his head into his hands. His phone pings a few seconds later and Bucky scrambles to grab it.
I think you’re just afraid of dating buck. You’re definitely ready, you’ve done so much work to be yourself again and I’ve seen that in you. If you like her AND she mentioned still going out if you changed your mind??? Go get her, man. Take the chance. If it doesn’t work out and you really aren’t ready, then that’s okay too. But it’s clearly eating you up that you said no, so just go to her.
...
You button up your coat and stuff your phone into your pocket, straining your head to the side to double check the time. Closing the store required a particular routine that you perfected, but you did not expect to see Bucky’s face at the front door. He did not notice you looking at him and you see the hesitation in his hands before he opens the door.
“Hey,” he says, shoving his hands into his jacket pockets.
“Hello again.” Bucky gives you a stiff grin and rocks on his feet for a few moments. The silence is deafening and it’s just about too awkward for you to handle.
“Is there uh..something you want?” He glances up and your eyes lock with his pretty blue eyes. You feel like you could gaze into them all day.
“Yeah, if you’re still up for it, I would like to go on that date with you. I’ve been afraid to put myself out there, but you’re so kind and beautiful..” his words trail off and he’s distracted for a moment at how you’re biting your lip nervously.
“I wanted to take a chance, so yes, let’s go on a date.”
“Do you wanna go now?” Bucky raises his brow and nods. You run to the back door to make sure it’s locked. When you come back, you see that Bucky took it upon himself to turn a few of the lights off and he hands you your purse.
“What a gentleman, huh?” He blushes and moves to open the door for you. You lock it up and turn to him.
“Does a walk in the park sound like a good idea?”
“Perfect.”
Since it was almost evening time, the park was not as busy. Bucky prefers it that way, and you do too. He’s so close to you, you can smell the little bit of cologne he must’ve put on. You want to tease him for it but decide not to. Instead, you purposely brush your hand against his own and Bucky immediately takes your hand in his.
“Maybe after this we could get dinner,” Bucky suggests.
“That would be nice. You can pick where.” Bucky thinks for a moment before responding.
“There’s this diner..a couple of blocks from your shop actually. It was there back in….you know.” Now that he’s thinking about it, he wasn’t sure you knew. He doesn’t wear gloves to hide his vibranium arm anymore and it’s an easy google search but you never showed any indication you knew about his past.
“I know about your past, Bucky. I won’t ask anything about it if-”
“No, it’s okay. I can talk about it.”
You nod. You're not planning to scour his brain about the haunting details of his life as the Winter Soldier, but you were curious about his life before that.
“Does it look the same as it did back then? The diner, I mean.”
“For the most part. There’s some newer technology in there and updated furniture but the style is all the same. It’s kind of nice to go somewhere familiar.”
The two of you walk over to an empty bench and take a seat. Your hands are still intertwined, resting on Bucky’s thigh.
“One more question about the 30s and 40s and then we can head on over to the diner,” you say, making Bucky laugh and nod his head at you to continue.
“How were dates back then? Like would you do the same thing we’re doing now or was there anything different?”
“It’s mostly the same,” he tells you. Bucky looks down at your hand, admiring how you rub your thumb against his hand.
“But there were these dances. I haven’t seen anything like them nowadays.”
“I think the closest thing we have to that is nightclubs. I’m gonna assume that is not your scene,” you say, giggling at his disgusted expression.
“It isn’t. I like forties music. I tried to listen to newer stuff and it’s not all terrible, but still not my favorite. I don’t think anyone in a nightclub will play Tommy Dorsey or Dinah Shore.” You ponder that for a moment as he turns to observe what else is going on in the park.
Quickly, you take out your phone.
“What are you doing?” All you do is smile at him, setting your phone down on the bench and standing up in front of him. He raises an eyebrow suspiciously as you hold your hand out.
“Mr. Barnes, can I have this dance?” Bucky takes a look around. There were a few people around who seemed to not take notice of the music coming from your phone.
“Gladly,” he accepted, taking your hand. Bucky placed one hand on your hip and pulled you in closer to him.
“I must admit, I know this was my idea, but I don’t know how to dance,” you whisper to him. Bucky shakes his head, smiling so wide he thought his mouth would start hurting. He slowly moves his feet side to side.
“Just this is fine,” he mutters. He tries not to take his eyes off yours, but you’re so close and Bucky can’t help but look at your lips, slightly parted and letting out deep breaths. He moves your hand rest on his shoulder, both of his own now holding your hips.
You trail your fingers from his shoulder to behind his neck, clasping your hands there.
“Thank you for this,” Bucky says and he hums along to the song playing, ‘Be Careful, It’s My Heart’ by Frank Sinatra. You smile at it, so he keeps humming. Bucky leans his forehead against yours.
“I know it’s not perfect-”
“Doesn’t matter. It’s with you. And this is...it’s nice.” You feel like your heart is going to burst. His eyes keep flitting down to your lips and Bucky leans in.
As his lips ghost against yours, you move your head, so he ends up kissing your cheek. He pulls back, a confused look on his face.
“Save that for the end of the date, honey,” you tease, leaning up to kiss his cheek. You linger your lips against his skin before moving away from him and his scoff turns into a laugh.
“I’m holding you to that,” he says, biting the inside of his cheek.
“I hope you do” you mumble and Bucky pulls you in close to him, making you squeal. He twirls you and brings you back into his arms, his lips touching the top of your ear.
“Let’s go get some dinner now.” You nod and grab your phone, opting to let the music keep playing. Bucky doesn’t hesitate from telling you random music facts about the artists as you make your way to the diner.
And as you ramble on about your own favorite singer, Bucky thanks the heavens that he took a chance on you and that it was going better than he ever imagined.
#buckyblues 4k challenge#bucky barnes#bucky barnes imagine#bucky barnes fluff#bucky barnes fics#bucky barnes x reader#bucky barnes one shot#bucky barnes imagines#bucky fic#marvel#mcu#bucky barnes x female reader#bucky x you#bucky#james bucky barnes#james barnes x reader#bucky barnes fic#marvel fics
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i’m not ready for that s.r.
pairing: Steve Rogers x black!Reader (anyone could read though)
summary: Even though Steve has been living in modern times for a couple of years now, he still finds himself not used to the present, especially when it comes to women. But when he meets you, an outspoken girl who completely embodies the kind of woman “he’s not ready for,” Steve is forced to reevaluate what he wants.
warnings: 18+, explicit language, dry humping, unprotected sex, sex in a hotel room, a small age gap (but not mentioned much), probably some typos and/or bad grammar, disregard for card games and 60′s music
word count: 2,828
author’s note: This is my first time writing a fic! So, tell me what you think and if you’d like more stuff from me.
After waking up in a world filled with people dressed in unfamiliar clothing, using confusing language, and carrying around these tiny devices they called “phones,” Steve experienced the expected amount of disassociation. He said things which earned him weird looks, struggled to understand modern references, and sometimes secretly wished he could just go back to his own time.
But if anything, Steve Rogers was determined.
He kept a notepad to track the new things he learned and reviewed them in his spare time. He made an effort to listen to the radio and watch popular TV shows. Steve even managed to tailor his wardrobe to a certain degree. Except for the khakis. The khakis were essential.
Despite his acclimation and newfound understanding of the 21st century, Steve still struggled with women. And in all honesty, he doesn’t even feel that open to dating. He’s completely content with simply working and living his life, romance not much of a priority of his.
But Natasha keeps pushing it.
“What about that girl from accounting?” she says, “Laura, Lisa…”
"Lillian,” Steve answers, “lip piercing, right?"
"Yeah, she's cute."
"Yeah, I'm not ready for that.”
•••••
So, when you show up with a total disregard for authority, a smile that could fool the devil, and a snarky attitude all complete with a cute little nose piercing, Steve doesn’t quite know what to do with you.
Your words are much bolder than any woman he knew from the 40’s. You behave with a certain level of confidence and self-assuredness that it’s impossible to believe that you’re only in your twenties. And you don’t shy away from showing men up, never one to hold your tongue. Steve notices that you don’t mind interrupting people. You seem to get a glint in your eye each time he clenches his jaw after you’ve cut him off.
Everything about you is overwhelming to Steve.
Any time he tries to correct you, you scoff, blowing air through your plump lips. Always rolling those brown eyes in annoyance. (It makes Steve want to scream.)
Nothing is ever easy with you. There is always a rebuttal, or some type of teasing remark, or simply a look that tells him “you can’t tell me what to do.” It enrages him. Steve doesn’t think he has ever met a person who could find a way to fight him on every single thing.
Now, as he looks at you standing with your hands on your hips, freshly-manicured nails on display, Steve wonders how he’ll ever manage to get through to you.
•••••
You hadn’t known much about Captain America before you’d agreed to work with him and Natasha when S.H.I.E.L.D. started falling apart.
You had been working for the agency for a while now, assisting in the capture of criminal individuals as a sort of immunity for your own crimes. Your skills were too valuable to waste, and honestly, they knew you’d escape any prison they put you in anyway. Despite this, you weren’t the most reliable.
You often took risks, and your youth raised a sort of concern amongst other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents. No one trusted a girl whose main motivation to be an agent was to avoid prison. And because of this, Nick Fury did not bring you on for the Avengers Initiative right away. You needed time to grow, time to figure out your priorities.
For two years, you focused on your development, learning how to control your abilities and use them most effectively, and in the meantime, you only took on small missions. You were happy with this, so happy that when Fury began reaching out to you with the intent to bring you back on for more advanced missions, you promptly avoided them.
One quiet afternoon, you were feeling the soil of your succulent, trying to figure out if the plant needed watering when you got the call that Nick Fury was pronounced dead.
Immediately, your stomach dropped.
Your mind was racing as you rushed to the hospital, hoping that this was all some sick joke. A test. Something Fury had comprised to teach you a lesson.
Natasha noticed as you stood frozen at the door of the hospital room. Your heart ached seeing him lie there lifeless.
While you pretended that you didn’t care about him, Fury had always been important to you. He had given you a second chance when you didn’t even think you deserved it. He saw potential in you when others saw you as a delinquent. This grief, coupled with the knowledge that S.H.I.E.L.D. had been compromised, led you to agree to work with Natasha and her new friend, Steve Rogers.
•••••
Since the beginning, your presence had been an immediate concern to Steve. Along with your untamed attitude, he didn’t like the way you would make hasty decisions that left him wondering if you were still alive. He had to bite his tongue at your stubbornness. And each roll of your eyes pushed Steve further and further to the edge. After a while, he had had enough and pulled you to the side to express his disapproval.
You stare at him expectantly with your hands still on your hips, waiting to hear why he’s singled you out.
He lets out a breath, “these antics of yours have got to stop.”
You instantly laugh. Because he has to be kidding.
It takes everything in him to remain calm when you flash him a smile and saunter away, throwing a “oh loosen up, Captain,” over your shoulder.
He has to stop himself from watching your hips sway. He catches your wrist. “No. Not ‘loosen up.’ You need to be more responsible.”
“Well you need to understand that I’m not a soldier,” you yank your arm back. “I’ll follow your plan,” you offer, “but sometimes things don’t go as planned and we have to make adjustments,” you say, speaking slowly as if Steve’s a child.
He steps closer, now towering over your small frame. “Your ‘adjustments’ almost always result in dangerous situations.”
“Really?” You cock your head to the side, “Is that right?”
He narrows his eyes at you.
“So, this is coming from the man who jumped out of an elevator?” Your perfectly arched eyebrow raises tauntingly. “Right?”
You chuckle as he rolls his eyes. You don’t miss the hint of a smile in them.
•••••
You do eventually try to be more of a team player, sticking to the plan when you can. You figured you’d be working with them more often, so it was in your best interest to make yourself easy to work with. Your efforts don’t go unnoticed.
Steve is grateful that you don’t pull any surprises when the Winter Soldier makes his attack. The revelation that it was his best friend already enough to throw him off.
Surprisingly, when Steve decides to go after Bucky, you offer to join him and Sam. Your excuse being that you don’t trust two men to get the job done.
Honestly, you just didn’t want to go back to your life before. Working with Steve was exciting. He was exciting. The way he’d catch your eyes after you’d say something snarky made your stomach flip because there was a hint of a threat in them.
You enjoyed the way he wasn’t afraid to touch you. He liked to grab your arm and pull you to him when you didn’t listen. He’d once backed you up against a wall when he thought you weren’t telling him the full story pertaining to the mission. And while he was angry, you couldn’t help wondering what it’d be like to have him take you right then and there.
You had come to terms with the fact that you wanted Steve Rogers. You just didn’t know if he’d want someone like you. You were aware that he probably hadn’t encountered many women like you in his past life.
•••••
While your eye rolls and sassy comments do remain, Steve finds himself enjoying your presence despite himself. The struggle between the two of you slowly morphing into playful teasing, teetering the line between that and sexual tension.
“How’d you end up here anyway?” Steve asks as he lays down an ace of spades.
You grimace and tuck your king of hearts back into your hand in embarrassment. “We’re on a mission, silly.” You giggle, the diamond in your nose catching the light.
“Mhm very funny,” he says. “You know that’s not what I meant.”
You don’t say anything. The only sound coming from your breathing and the Solomon Burke song that’s playing through your phone speaker.
You hum along as you pretend to search your hand for a card to play.
Steve nudges your knee. You’re not sure if it’s because you haven’t answered him or because you still haven’t put down a card.
“You mean how’d I end up doing this? Working for S.H.I.E.L.D.?”
He nods.
“It’s a long story,” you manage to let out.
“We’ve got time.”
You sigh and place your cards down on the mattress knowing you were gonna lose anyway.
“A while back, I lost someone…someone very important to me,” you say, “and all I wanted was to hurt the people who took them from me.” You glance up to meet Steve’s eyes, “one thing led to another, and I sort of lost myself. I hurt people in ways I never intended to, caused the kind of pain that,” you search for the words, “that I had always been so afraid to feel.”
“I was so blinded by rage,” you shake your head, “I just completely forgot my morals.”
You feel the bed shift, and Steve reaches out for your hand.
“Long story short, Fury offered me a job. Said I could use my skills for good. And next thing you know I’m going on these crazy missions and catching ‘bad guys,’” you say using finger quotes.
You sigh, “you must think the absolute worst of me now, huh?”
Steve chuckles, “no, not at all.” He pauses and his eyebrows crease. “It actually makes me respect you more.”
You let out a laugh, “well then, sir, you are most definitely twisted.”
He shrugs, “maybe I am.”
You notice that he never let go of your hand, and for a second you swear you feel a flutter in your abdomen. Lightly, you slide your fingers up his arm, tracing the veins. He doesn’t move or protest. Instead, he brings his other hand to rest on your knee. You look up at him as his hand moves from your knee up your thigh, gripping you firmly where your shorts end.
Steve looks at you for approval, and when you nod, he pulls you in by your hips and leans in, letting his lips ghost over yours.
You haven’t felt like this in awhile, and it takes a lot of strength to hold back a whine. Steve continues to tease you, only letting his lips lightly touch yours while rubbing circles into your hips under your shirt. Impatiently, you link your hands together behind his head, and when you grasp the hair at the nape of his neck, Steve finally leans in, letting his lips press against yours.
Almost instantly, you climb onto his lap, straddling him. The playing cards from earlier are hastily pushed aside as Steve scoots back, bringing you with him.
His hands find your hips again as he sucks on your bottom lip. You softly grind into him, causing Steve to groan into your mouth. He works to control himself. He hadn’t expected it to feel this way with you. So desperate, so needing.
You can feel his hardness through the material of his sweatpants, making your arousal even more apparent.
Steve leans down to kiss your neck. The feeling of his tongue makes you buck your hips, searching for some type of friction. His hand travels up your side and comes to cup one of your breasts. He runs his thumb over your nipple, feeling it harden.
This must give him an idea as he moves to pull your shirt over your head. He grabs you again and takes your nipple in his mouth. You moan, continuing to grind onto him as his hands cup your ass. At this point, you’re sure that your arousal is leaking through your shorts.
Steve feels completely lost in you, your body setting him on fire and awaking something within him he doesn’t think he’s ever felt before.
He continues his assault on your breasts as you fight to control your arousal. You feel his cock twitch under you. “Please, Steve,” you say breathlessly.
“Please what?” He mumbles around your breasts.
“I need you.”
Those seem to be the words he needed as Steve promptly flips you over, roughly yanking your shorts down. He tosses his shirt off as you grab onto the waistband of his pants, urging him to take them off. He pushes you back on the bed, leaning over you. You feel his knee press into your cunt and let out a moan.
Steve grabs your face, kissing you sloppily, and trails his hand down your body. You nearly grind onto his hand as he places his thumb over your clit and rubs slow circles over it.
“You like that, honey?” He teases as he rubs you over your panties.
You nod, biting your lip.
He grabs your chin, “I said do you like it? Answer me.”
You cry out, “yes, Steve yes,” You whimper, “please I need more.”
He scoffs, “who would’ve thought to get you to act right, I’d just have to play with this pretty pussy?”
You let out a pitiful whine.
“Now you wanna be a good girl huh?”
You’re afraid you’re going to cum just from his words when he stops and drags your panties down so slowly that you want to scream. The smug look on Steve’s face makes your face burn. He’s enjoying this too much.
Once they’re off, Steve settles between your thighs, making you look him in the eyes before reaching his hand down and dragging the head of his cock from your folds to your clit. You moan as he gently taps it against your clit a few times and makes a comment about how wet you are. There’s a hint of a smirk on his face as he lines himself up at your entrance. Steve groans as he eases into you. You wrap your legs around his waist, encouraging him to go deeper.
He bottoms out, and you both moan. Steve begins to thrust, and you’re already so worked up that you know you won’t last long. He brings his hand down to rub your clit causing you to cry out.
His thrusts become more forceful. Your eyes close tightly, your sharp nails digging into his shoulders. He leans his forehead against yours, “I know you want it, sweetheart. I know you wanna cum.”
His words shock you but send a wave of pleasure straight to your core.
“Come on, honey, cum for me.” Steve says as he thrusts into you. Your walls spasm around his cock, causing him to groan into your neck. He never lets up on his thrusts though, continuing to slam into you as your first orgasm ripples through your body.
“You feel so good around my cock, baby,” he brings a hand up to lightly wrap around your neck.
You groan in response feeling your abdomen tighten once again.
You can tell Steve is close now, his thrusts becoming frantic and rushed. You clutch onto him as the sounds of slapping skin fill the room. Your name falling off of his lips repeatedly in your ear.
“Cum inside me, Steve,” you plead, “I wanna feel you.” He groans at your words, and you feel his hand tighten around your throat. You look at him, and his eyes are dark with lust, you feel yourself clench around his length. The look he’s giving you fills you with a primal need. You plead one more time, pushing Steve over the edge. His thrusts begin to slow, the feeling of him filling you up is enough to bring about another orgasm.
You find it difficult to keep your eyes open. Sleep begins to take you, and you drift off with Steve guiding you to lay your head on his chest.
With one hand caressing the side of your head, Steve stares up at the ceiling of the hotel room, Nina Simone’s voice floating out of your phone.
“It’s a new dawn, it’s a new day, it’s a new life for me,”
“And I’m feeling good.”
•••••
Initially, seeing a girl like you would have made Steve doubt himself.
But now, he knows he’s ready for you as he sits next to you holding your hand as you prepare to get your first tattoo.
#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers smut#steve rogers x reader angst#steve rogers x black!reader#black reader#steve rogers#captain america#marvel#marvel x reader#captain america x reader#enhanced!reader#steve rogers x enhanced!reader#captain america smut#chris evans
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“To me, he’s everything.”
taehyung x reader (oc) genre: angst; fluff word count: 2.9K beta reader(s): @stayjimin
a/n: Hi lovelies! Why did I decide to write sad Tae? To make us all suffer perhaps? This is about Tae going through some stuff and writing pieces of Blue & Grey (with the english lyrics bc this is early stages) and Peaches trying to provide him comfort. I hope you all enjoy and thanks for reading! :))
Waking up in the early morning, the sky was still dark making it difficult to see your surroundings. Grunting to yourself you lightly tossed underneath the comforter. Sighing, you reached out to feel the empty spot next to you, confirming your suspicions that your lover had left the bed sometime earlier in the night.
Sitting up, you focused your gaze on the dark shape of your dresser across the room as you listened closely for sounds outside the bedroom. Hearing none, you lifted yourself from the bed, a blanket in tow as you made your way out of the room.
The hallway was lit up from the glow of the living room light, and as you wrapped the blanket over your shoulders, your ears perked at the sound of Taehyung’s low timbre humming a mix of words and incoherent melody.
Stepping quietly across the floor, you listened intently to the few words you could understand. “I just wanna be happier,” rang in your ears, your heart pounding at the weight of the lyrics that came straight from your boyfriend’s mouth. Standing in the living room just feet away from where he sat on the floor, Taehyung took notice of you, his mouth opening in surprise.
“Did I wake you?” He asked, his eyes wide with guilt though you gently shook your head. “You sure?”
“Maybe your absence,” you smiled softly. He tried to return the expression, but it failed to meet his eyes. And that was the smile you’d been receiving for the past few weeks. His famous boxy grin, your favorite, was being flashed around much less in the recent days. “It’s like I can feel when you’re gone,” you told him quietly.
He didn’t respond, instead leaning back on his hands to support himself as he stared at your disheveled appearance. With a small head nod gesturing for you to go to him, you quickly and easily obliged.
You would have to be completely oblivious to not notice the man’s mood change in the past weeks; how he had more low days than high. It wasn’t the first time Tae had gone through something like this. He had a habit of pulling away and dealing with his emotions and thoughts in private, and you had learned over your several years of friendship to give him the space to work through it all before he would eventually come to you for help with whatever feelings remained.
But this bout seemed to hit him harder than in the past. And he hadn’t come to you yet.
Sitting next to him, you both stared into each other’s eyes, his darkened circles prominent on his golden skin.
“You look tired,” he noted, your eyebrows raising slightly. Sliding the banket of your shoulders, you draped it over yours and Taehyung’s laps.
“So do you,” you countered, the man’s lips curving upward just the tiniest bit as you tucked the blanket around his thighs. “Are you ever gonna share this track with me that’s been taking up so much of your time?” You questioned, playing up your jealousy of the subject of his attention.
“Are you feeling neglected, Peaches?” He teased, a glint flashing over his eyes for a quick moment that had your lungs exhaling in a brief relief.
“Of course not,” you smirked. “But like, I did wake up alone only to find you out here canoodling with this song again so,” you trailed off, Taehyung letting out a low chuckle, amused by your feigned bitterness for his newest creation.
“What was that?” He asked, your eyebrows raising in question. “Canood- what?”
“Canoodling,” you giggled lightly. He flashed you a look of confusion, a smile overtaking your features at how cute he appeared. “It means, like, cuddling,” you paused, “I think?” For the first time in a few days, Taehyung’s boxy smile overtook his face, meeting his eyes for just a brief moment. “Maybe that wasn’t the right word,” you thought aloud as Taehyung’s hand found yours, his fingers lightly squeezing yours.
Raising your hand to his lips, he left a sweet kiss to the back of it. “You’re the only one I want to canoodle with,” he assured you lightheartedly, you squinting at him skeptically.
“Well that’s just not true, I caught you cuddled up with Jungkook just last week,” you pointed out, Taehyung chuckling as he dropped his head so he looked down toward his lap. Watching him carefully, you admired the way his low laugh tumbled from his pretty lips. When he looked back toward you, his eyes widened.
“What?” He asked, taken aback by your intent stare.
Shaking your head, you turned your hand in his grasp to intertwine your fingers with his own. “What’s been going on, Dearest?” You asked him, your voice soft and quiet, gentle and concerned. He gave you a questioning expression, silently asking you to elaborate, though you both knew where the conversation was headed. “Why haven’t you been talking to me?”
The man stared at you for a moment, his eyes scanning your features, clocking the concern etched within them. Sighing, he shrugged.
“Are you ok?” You asked him, watching as he clenched his jaw, shrugging once more. “Oh, baby,” you whispered through a small pout, squeezing his hand as he took a deep breath, attempting to calm his emotions.
Leaning toward him, you wrapped your other arm around his head, holding him so his face was placed in the crook of your neck. When his body shook slightly, you let go of his hand to bring your arms around his body, cradling him against you.
Neither of you spoke for several minutes, instead simply embracing each other as you allowed Taehyung the space and comfort to feel his feelings. Eventually, he lifted his head from your neck, his face level with yours though he avoided your eyes. Lifting your hands to his face, you gently used your thumbs to wipe under his eyes before flattening your palms against his cheeks to dab the wetness from them.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t ask you sooner,” you told him, your voice soft but adamant, Taehyung’s eyes snapping to meet yours.
“Peaches, no,” he shook his head, though you cut him off with your own negation.
“No, I knew something was wrong, but I was just waiting for you to come to me,” you told him. “I should have talked to you sooner,” you insisted, one of your hands falling from his face to your lap, the other sliding down to his shoulder where you simply kept it, to show him you were there. You weren’t going anywhere.
Taking another deep breath in, Taehyung shook his head once more. Reaching for his phone, you watched as he tapped on the screen a few times before his low vocals resonated from the speaker, replaying the sounds you heard earlier that night.
The lyrics were a mix of random mumblings with stunning but sad lines of English that proved every suspicion you had of Taehyung being sad and lost.
“I’m sick and tired of everything, someone come save myself ‘cause I can’t take it anymore.”
He was crying out for help in this song; help from himself, his own mind. The man was begging for someone to come to his aid, just to lessen the pain.
“Every time I cry, every time I smile, can you look at me ‘cause I am blue and grey.”
As you watched him carefully, his gaze set on the phone in his hands as the soundwaves went up and down with his vocals, tears filled your eyes. Taehyung’s fans often took his quietness as a warning sign for how he was feeling. However, growing up alongside Taehyung, you’d witnessed the shift from an excitable young boy to a slightly less excitable grown man. You’d been there with him as his personality developed; matured.
No, his silence was never a warning sign for you. It could be quite comforting, actually. The warning sign was when his smile failed to meet his eyes. You’d seen it over the past days, weeks. Staring at him as the melody cut through the heavy air, all you could think was, why didn’t I help you, Dearest?
“I just wanna be happier, baby don’t you let me go.” The lyrics melted into sounds again before he sang melancholically, “Wish I could be stronger.” The recording cut, and Taehyung’s eyes stayed on the phone screen.
Squeezing his shoulder lightly, you dragged your hand toward the back of his neck so your fingers could sooth across his nape. “It’s beautiful,” you croaked, clearing your voice as Taehyung’s gaze shot up to meet yours, the emotion in your tone startling him. “It is,” you told him sincerely.
“Thank you,” he barely muttered, his eyes alert, his shoulders raised as if he was holding his breath.
“When you’re not ok, I’ll be your rock, you know,” you assured him, an exhale leaving his lips just before he wet them with a swipe of his tongue. “I should have addressed it sooner, but I know now,” you added with a small nod. “So lean on me.”
“I don’t want to burden you,” he resisted, though you could see in his eyes he desperately wanted the shoulder you were offering to him.
“Tae,” you breathed out with a small smile. “You’re too considerate for your own good, you know that?” Scoffing in response, he licked his lips once more. “You could never burden me. I’m your partner,” you whispered, your hand moving to cradle his jaw as you spoke to him.
With a sigh, his shoulders relaxed just as he leaned into your touch, resting his chin in your hand just slightly. You could feel the weight of it, and you were thankful for it.
“I just-” his lip trembled. “I have this great life,” he mumbled as his face contorted just the tiniest bit, tears brimming his eyelid but not yet falling. “I have this dream career, partner,” he nodded to you, “home life,” he glanced to the open room. “I have great friends, all these fans,” he shook his head as a tear slid down his cheek, collecting on the flesh of your thumb. “And yet, I’m still so fucking lost,” he sighed in frustration.
Instead of speaking, you moved your hand to gently swipe under his eyes with your thumb. “I don’t know, it’s just stupid,” he directed his gaze across the room, his stare intense though he wasn’t looking at anything in particular.
Shaking your head, you leaned into his line of vision, pulling his attention to you. “It’s not stupid, baby,” you spoke softly to him. “It’s human.”
“What kind of person feels this way when they have all these great things?” He questioned, making you pull your eyebrows together in a slight glare. “I’m sitting here with a woman who loves me and cares for me and I’m crying about feeling lonely and worthless,” he admitted in frustration. “I didn’t even want to tell you about all of this because I don’t want you thinking you’re not enough for me.”
“Tae, I’m not so naïve to think I can be the savior of all your days,” you locked your gaze on his as you spoke to him. “I know you love me, but I’m just a piece of your life, I’m one source of happiness,” you shrugged while shaking your head.
“You’re more than that,” he said sternly, frustrated by your downplayed importance in his life.
“I know that, and I hope I can lessen the pain and make things easier, but I’m never going to be able to make everything ok,” you explained to him. And that was the sad truth. No matter how much you loved him, you could never take his pain away. “That’s just not how things work.” Staring at each other, he gave you a small nod of understanding. “Coming to me with this isn’t going to make me feel insufficient or like I’m not part of your happiness,” you finished, Taehyung nodding as he pulled your hand from his face and held onto it tightly.
As you looked into his gaze, you could see further sadness swirling around his orbs. His irises were the same pretty brown, but the warmth was faded. The cold emotion in them made them appear like a desaturated version of themselves, appearing as an ashen grey.
“What else are you thinking?” You prodded, gently, but insistently.
Swiping his tongue over his bottom lip, he exhaled deeply, preparing to share more of the feelings he’d been keeping contained behind his stunning features.
“There’s a few things I know about myself,” he started, your attention fully on him as he opened his thoughts with the mysterious statement. “And that’s that I love you, I love my family, and I love being on stage with the guys in front of our fans. And this year I’ve seen how easily that part of me can be stripped away,” he nodded at his own words as your heart felt like it stilled. Because the stage was the one thing you couldn’t give him or assure him of its existence. “And it’s going to happen someday for good.”
You watched him thoughtfully as he explored his own thoughts, gathering them into words that he could speak, in hopes that you would understand.
“And I guess-” he shrugged. “Who’s left without that part of me?”
Without thinking over your response, you answered him with two words. “Kim Taehyung.” His eyes held your own as you cocked your head at him. “He’s left.”
“But who is he?” He asked, his fragile tone making him sound small.
Who is Kim Taehyung? You could fill book after book answering that question, as he was everything.
A small smile curved on your lips as you thought about who Kim Taehyung was to you. “I can’t tell you who he is to you,” you began, locking your eyes with his before you allowed your orbs to drag across his features, appreciating the man, drinking him in. “But to me, he’s everything.”
And at that simple statement, as you stared at your boyfriend’s lips, you noticed the way they just slightly quirked upward before he corrected the expression, remaining serious and self-doubting.
“You know the guy on stage is incredible,” you continued. “V is special and he’s amazing, but this guy right here,” you nodded to him, “sitting in his pajamas, expressing his fears and concerns,” you grinned. “He’s the most brilliant person I’ve ever known.” You watched as his jaw tightened, an obvious sign of the emotion that was bubbling within him.
“You glow, Taehyung. With and without V,” you told him sincerely, your voice becoming shaky as your own emotions made themselves present. “And I don’t mean to downplay that piece of you because he is you and he’s amazing and he’s helped you grow and become this incredible human being, but I just hope you know that with or without that part of yourself, you’re still a masterpiece,” you ranted, in a race to beat the incoming tears. “I hope you can look at yourself one day and see what I see. If only you could spend one day in my shoes and see yourself how I see you.”
The man’s body trembled as he brought a hand to his face, shielding it from you as he cried.
“Hey, hey, hey,” you shook your head, pulling his hand from his eyes. “Don’t hide from me.”
Taking a shaky breath, letting it out with a quiver of his pout, you smiled at him. “That boy who approached me on the street when we were kids wasn’t V. That was Kim Taehyung. The man who makes me toast with jam in the mornings isn’t V. That’s Kim Taehyung. The friend who’s been my shoulder to lean on and cry on all these years, the lover who supports me and believes in me, that’s all Kim Taehyung.”
With tears trickling down your face, mimicking Taehyung’s own emotions, you giggled at the pout on his lips that made him look like a younger version of himself.
“What?” He questioned, a small smile spreading on his lips, almost rectangular but not quite.
“You look like you’re seventeen,” you grinned, sitting up on your knees and inching towards him so you hovered above him, Taehyung’s youthful, tearful gaze looking up at you.
“I can’t fix this, and I can’t make you feel complete, and I can’t take away your concern for the future,” you told him with a small frown. “But I can be here to hold your hand and assure you that you’re going to be ok, whether you believe it right now or not. It’s ok to feel this way, I just don’t want you to feel like you have no one if you’re not on a stage,” you leaned toward him, pushing his dark wavy fringe out of his face to leave a sweet kiss to his forehead. Wrapping your arms around his head, you held his face against your chest as you left another kiss to his hair.
“You have people who love you, but most importantly, you have Kim Taehyung. And he’s my favorite person,” you smiled as you mumbled against his hair. The man hugged around your waist, holding you even closer to him. “I think you’re going to learn to love him,” you whispered through your grin. “He’s pretty fucking lovable.”
#taehyung#kim taehyung#taehyung fluff#taehyung angst#taehyung x reader#taehyung imagines#taehyung drabble#taehyung fic#taehyung scenario#taehyung imagine#bts#bts taehyung#bts v#bts fluff#bts angst#bts x reader#bts imagines#bts drabble#bts reactions#bts scenarios
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prince’s order
Pairing: prince!haechan x reader Genre: modern royal au, fluff, suggestive Word Count: 1.6k Details: reader is recovering from fainting, a lil bit of making out :) Summary: prince haechan nurses you after you faint, and orders you to stay with him until you feel better
a/n: this was inspired by “the king: eternal monarch,” if you love k-dramas I highly suggest watching it!
when you open your eyes, you have to take a moment to absorb your surroundings
the gold details on the ceiling throw you off— this is definitely not your bedroom or a hospital
the insanely soft comforter on top of you weights you down nicely and almost lulls you back to sleep, along with the several silk pillows surrounding your head
you attempt to sit up but you feel dizzy, like your head has been replaced with a bobblehead, and your shoulders ache with every movement you make
groaning, you gently lay down into your original position
turning your head, you see a nightstand on the right side of the bed, some circular glasses resting there and a particular prince’s favorite gold watch next to it
of course, you’re in prince haechan’s room
you relax now that you know you’re safe, but your head lifts up to look at the door when it opens
prince haechan walks in and kicks the french doors closed behind him with his foot, walking across his large bedroom and setting the tray he was holding in his hands onto the nightstand
“oh good, you’re up. how are you feeling?” he sits on the bed next to you and leans down to your level, placing his lips against your forehead while his large hand against the side of your head keeps you from moving
you feel warm at his affection, relaxing into his bed once again
“you don’t feel hot... are you dizzy?” he asks while turning to the teapot and teabags he brought with him
“yeah...”
something about this doesn’t feel right... shouldn’t you be the one fixing the tea?
that is your job anyway; to assist the royal family around the palace in anyway they need
so why are the roles reversed right now?
“It’s okay, I can do it” you attempt to sit up and take the tea cups out of prince haechan’s hands but he moves away from you, making you reach out in an attempt to grab them
you frown when he keeps moving away, but he only laughs at your small pout and how you attempt to move faster than him to reach the cups
you sit up to get closer, but the dizziness comes back and you clutch your head instead, closing your eyes as you try to not tip over
“woah, woah—” you hear the prince throw down the cups, they rattle against the fine gold of the tray, and he catches the back of your head with one hand while the other sets up pillows behind you so that you can stay sitting up without your head against the hard headboard
“what happened?” you ask after the dizzy spell passes and you open your eyes, the worry in haechan’s facial expression subsiding a bit as he goes to open some tea bags
“I was hoping you could tell me,” his tone is somewhere between nagging and worried, “the house ladies said you went into the garden at sunrise and they found you passed out there earlier. what were you doing?”
at the story, you suddenly remember the task the princess, haechan’s younger sister, gave you the day before
she wanted 1,000 roses for her room and refused to get them delivered from a flower shop
she wanted them from the palace garden, and she wanted you to pick them all
you knew the request was absolutely ridiculous, but there was no way you could say no without losing your livelihood, or even your life, since the princess knows about your and haechan’s relationship
the moment you stepped into the palace to work for the royal family, haechan has kept you by his side
everything from fixing his clothes in the morning to running tasks for him, cleaning up his office, and bringing him his favorite tea or coffee when he’s busy
you thought he just preferred one person to do everything for him rather than several, and you just happened to be the person he picked
but one late night in his office proved different
sometimes you still think about the way his hands held your waist when he pressed you up against his desk and kissed you for the first time
how soft his lips were when he moved them against yours like he was singing a gentle love song, how his teeth nibbled along your lips so gently, how soft his hair was when you ran your fingers through the strands
moments with haechan became more precious once you both started to develop feelings for each other
and haechan’s younger sister knew all about it, apparently
“I was just.... completing a task for your sister...” you answer his question
“she made you go out there... in the middle of summer... to pick flowers?” he asks, you can see his jaw tightening with anger
“yes,” he rolls his eyes immediately and turns away from you, but you can still sense his anger building up, “please don’t do anything. she knows about us, and you know how unpredictable she is.”
haechan doesn’t answer, his eyes on the tea cups before him as he pours water in, but his focus is somewhere else
you take the time to look over his attire
he has some nice slacks and a button up shirt on, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the top few buttons undone to reveal the necklace the king, his father, gave him when he was younger
his once nicely done hair is a bit disheveled, no doubt from continuously running his hands through it
his appearance reminds you of where he was supposed to be today and why you couldn’t be with him
“so... how was the opening?” you change the subject, now wondering about the new hospital that the royal family recently funded
“It was boring. I rode in a car for 3 hours just to take some pictures and cut a ribbon with big scissors.” haechan passively replies as he dips the tea bags in and out of the hot water
his anger dissolves when he hears you laugh, your eyes crinkling in his favorite way as you clutch your stomach— a habit of yours when you laugh
he smiles gently, scooting closer to you as his arm finds a spot on the other side of your hips and he balances his weight over your lap
“but it’s for a good cause... that hospital is going to help lots of people in the country who can’t get to a hospital in the city fast enough” he explains and his other hand takes yours and plays with it, sliding his fingers in between yours
“which makes me wonder... why am I in your bed and not in the emergency room?” you tilt your head and lean your back off of the cushions behind you to be closer to the prince
“I might have asked the family doctor to look at you.” he hums, looking over your face
“why?”
“because I care about you.”
“can’t you care about me in a hospital?”
“hey,” he tsks and suddenly gives you a look of faux irritation, “be grateful you’re being treated by one of the best doctors in the nation.”
“I fainted because I was in the sun for too long. I’m fine.” you stress your last words and squeeze his hand
“still...” prince haechan bends his head down to kiss the top of your ring finger, “I want you to be next to me at all times, so you’re going to stay here. that’s an order.”
the way he gives you the order sounds so soft and light hearted, yet you know he’s being completely serious
the stern look in his eyes can’t be hidden by his kisses or his words
“and what if I don’t want to?” you egg him on, giggling when he lifts his head to glare at you
“you know I can behead people who don’t follow orders, right? that’s one of the many perks of the title.” he raises an eyebrow
you tilt your head up to look at the ceiling, leaving your whole neck exposed to him, “go ahead” you joke
haechan stares at the expanse of your neck, suddenly not feeling like joking anymore
without a second thought, he leans in and places a hot kiss against your skin, right on the part of your neck he knows will get a reaction out of you
the sudden feeling of his lips surprises you, and you gasp as you snap your head back to look at him
haechan can’t help but give you a proud smile when he sees the shudder that shakes your shoulders
your mouth is slightly open as you stare at him, stunned and jittery about the feeling of his lips on your neck
haechan doesn’t waste another second before leaning towards you again and placing more kisses along your neck
this time, you tilt your head back to give him better access while one of your hands rests on his shoulders and the other goes to his hair
when his lips reach your collarbone, he bites down gently and squeezes your waist, rising a small moan out of you
you hear him kick off his shoes before moving further onto the bed as he works his way up your neck again, his tongue making an entrance
every once in a while, he blows cool air onto your tender skin and it makes you grip onto the golden strands of his hair
when he reaches your ear again he stops and glances at your face, eyes closed in bliss and your lip caught between your teeth
“I said, that’s an order. don’t make me repeat myself again.” he says in a low voice next to your ear
if haechan keeps treating you like this, you don’t think you’ll be going against his orders any time soon
#haechan#haechan fluff#nct fluff#nct dream fluff#haechan x reader#nct dream#nct 127#haechan scenarios#haechan imagines#nct scenarios#nct imagines#nct dream scenarios#nct dream imagines#dreamies#00 line
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fine line - a close reading
gonna cry bc i’m at the end, gonna cry bc it’s fine line.
(x x x)
want to give the same disclaimer as with lights up: this song is so layered, so multi-faceted, that i could never hope to give an exhaustive analysis. due to its vagueness and openness for interpretation, i assume that everyone, just like me, has their own ideas about it and has attached importance to it in ways that no one else’s words can or should alter. this song means the world to me for reasons that aren’t necessarily in this post, and that’s how it is with art that touches us deeply. i’ve tried my best to pull it apart, lay it bare, spread it open, if you will, so it’s almost as free as it can be for you all to form your own opinion on it. in the synthesis i will make my own conclusions, but feel free to ignore that if yours are totally different. i’m just one set of brain and heart taking in fine line and projecting whatever i think is right onto it. alright, let’s go
fine line, track 12
sung in falsetto
live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her
live version at the form: first verse not sung in falsetto - after first chorus goes into falsetto - like “thinking of her” has summoned her
Put a price on emotion
pouring emotions into the art you create: how much is genuine / how much do you show - line between being authentic to your audience and giving away too much, wanting to keep things to yourself and not feeling truthful with what you’ve written
exploits of the industry: lay your soul bare - or the exact opposite, some pretend emotion - to score that hit
I'm looking for something to buy
cynical. emotions aren’t genuine, right? where can i go buy some?
~ lights up themes. fake life, industry, being a sell-out
You've got my devotion
But man, I can hate you sometimes
“you” = career, music, Harry Styles™. devoted to the craft, to the job, all the ups and downs of it, despite the hardships it brings
“man” is deliberate: can be seen as an offhand interjection, like “man, that’s rough”, but nothing is casually placed in this song. “man” is: The Man, the heads in the industry, the people pulling the strings. The man in Harry, the man he’s been in the media all these years, the part he’s played/had to play, the man that’s in him
⟶ “hate you”: hate for industry shit, self-hate created by having to play pretend (~ only angel analysis, the persona of the Bukowski womaniser)
“sometimes” - it’s not fucked up all the time
“you” could also be a lover, but the sudden “hate” there then would be for that person, which is absent in any other song about them, doesn’t make any sense
I don't want to fight you
And I don't want to sleep in the dirt
like there’s a choice to me made, but he doesn’t want to make it: either I fight this “you” or I sleep in the dirt
“you” as the industry: if he doesn’t fight them, he might end up being a beggar, lose all his self-worth bc he gave in to everything they asked/told him to do
“you” as himself: fight your instincts, part of who you are/the persona. if he doesn’t fight to figure himself out, though, he fears he’ll also lose
“sleep in the dirt” as a sense of rejection, as well
We'll get the drinks in
So I'll get to thinking of her
drinks to cope - falling, only angel, from the dining table - or to be braver and confront emotions better - tbsl
who is “we”? who is “her”?
narrative of “you” as “lover” further disproven: if “I” and the lover get together over drinks and “I” starts thinking of “her”?
⟷ “her” could be the lover, but then who is “you”? the industry? some other person, besides that lover, harry is devoted to? multiple lovers, all of a sudden? no.
⟶ “I” and “you” are all harry, that get to thinking of “her” because she is in daydreams with him. the narrative that harry is fighting a part of him, the persona he has (had) to play bc of industry limits, makes most sense. that persona is within him now, and part of his work, but all of him, “we”, is begging to come into the light - of which she is a huge part
We'll be a fine line
balancing act. let everything coexist but pay attention that those lines don’t get crossed the wrong way. what we are, what i am, is a fine line between what makes us go under and what lets us thrive
we will be: determination to fulfil this prophecy, statement of fact “we always will be”
“we’ll be a fine line”: other way of interpreting it is that on both sides of that line is what entails “we”, all that is harry. what merges on that fine line is where it’s just right, when harry is fully himself in every way
“fine line” can also be an echo of criticism, bigotry, in the style of: it’s a fine line between being simply flamboyant and queer, between dressing like that and people thinking you’re a transvestite or summat (cause we wouldn’t want that, now, would we) - “we’ll be a fine line” could be owning all of it. putting himself in the middle of all those messy lines, as someone queer without a category
Test of my patience
patience with himself - kindness to self - took a long time to figure shit out and it was a challenge
waiting for change: industry and its allowances/openness
There's things that we'll never know
my favorite line
“we” = harry / harry and company / us in general, all of us listening
~ tpwk “i don’t need all the answers”: deep sense of acceptance
peace to be found in accepting this!!
You sunshine, you temptress
“sunshine” - as in all the love songs (blue skies, sunflowers, summer days…): lover - possible that there are multiple “you”s in this song?
sunshine could ofc also be directed at the temptress, still
female “temptress” - “i’ll get to thinking of her” - she - it’s tempting for harry to think of her all the time, to lose himself in the “her” in him
other interpretation for “temptress”: woman he knows with negative influence in his life - resemblance to woman “you flower, you feast”, so echo of Bukowski ~ only angel, kiwi (my sunshine, my love, who is involved with this temptress…)
My hand’s at risk, I fold
⟷ tpwk “dropping into the deep end”
not showing his cards just yet / forfeits
anxious to show all of him, to take the chance, with all the risks and consequences involved
Crisp trepidation
I’ll try to shake this soon
nervousness, anxiety - about (not) taking (enough) chances, (not) laying himself bare (release of the album that reveals much more than before)
“crisp” fresh, this feeling is unfamiliar - change is coming “soon”
sense of agency: I can get rid of this feeling by my own volition and make these changes - hesitant, insecure: “try”
wants to be braver. he’s not going back, but still needs to calmly coax himself further and further into the light, out into the open (“we’ll be alright”)
Spreading you open
Is the only way of knowing you
(can anyone else hear “spread thin” like a whisper under “spreading”? or am i imagining things.)
“you” is back - the only way of knowing “you” is to spread them open - the physical
to spread someone open - very literal, don’t need to paint the picture, or to lay bare, to lay it all out
⟶ “you” as himself - the only way of knowing who i am is by doing this: writing this album, performing these songs, letting others listen in and form their own interpretations, let this world grow where i’m laid bare and OPEN and exist as this person who has issues, who is angry, who doesn’t know who he is a lot of the time, but is still so happy to be here - let it spread and let it all circle back to me so i can grow deeper into myself
We'll be a fine line
We'll be alright
“we” = h & self, h & lover, h & fans
collectiveness from tpwk
(notes on a piano sounding like drops, like he’s emerged from the water and dripping dry)
SYNTHESIS
Everything about this song is plural. Personal pronouns are all over the place. I, you, her, we. The sound is incredibly layered, with Harry’s own voice echoing through its verses like he’s singing to himself in an empty cave. Meanings can be attached to every word like it’s a wax tablet used too many times. What Harry has said in interviews for once holds pretty true to the actual meaning, in my opinion.
“It felt like it described to me the process of making it and how the album felt in terms of the different kinds of songs on it.” (Capital FM)
This can mean a lot of things, and I think it means all of the things, of course. It means Fine Line is a summary of all of his emotions he visited on the album, of the things he’s laid bare. And it means that the actual process was also described, as one that can be frustrating and challenging, with added industry shit.
Harry has expressed straightforward gratefulness to his label for "leaving (him) alone” while making the album and that speaks volumes. This time, he had the chance to make his art without the constant interference of a label, which meant he could weave in criticism as well. “Put a price on emotion” is first and foremost a critique on the industry. It’s the first line of the song, setting the tone for the interpretation of this song is about the risks I took while making this album. It involves criticism on an industry that creates such an atmosphere that only a certain type of music and artist breaks through or can be successful, that limits people in their personal expression. Convinces them that it’s better that way. That it’s better to hide who they love because the general public won’t accept them. That it’s better to create a song about a fake emotion than be honest. Harry loves writing songs and being on stage, but it’s taken a while for him to be fully comfortable there as a solo artist and bloom into the person that could make Fine Line. He loves his career, but it’s also limited his freedom in ways beyond our comprehension, and it’s exploited him to the point where he didn’t know who he was, in ways that have clearly taken a toll on his mental wellbeing. To a point where he finishes this album reassuring himself, most of all, that everything will be alright.
That process of making Fine Line obviously includes Harry confronting emotions he hadn’t before. He has stated that he experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows while making it. There are things he hates, he was fighting but doesn’t want to (anymore), uncertainties he was trying to figure out but had to accept he couldn’t, risks he still doesn’t know he can take without shaking. At the centre of it all is this sense of “knowing you.” The different personal pronouns in the song paint a fractured picture, which is ultimately deliberate. That the “you” Harry is devoted to and can hate sometimes doesn’t line up with “her,” that the end focus does seem to be this “you” that is mentioned in the same breath as “man” and “temptress,” forming the “we” together with “I”.
After having songs like Lights Up, She, Falling and even TPWK, one of the central themes on the album has undoubtedly been self-discovery, in all its pain and glory. There are no female pronouns on the album besides, obviously, in She, and then here, in Fine Line. She is about a man living with a woman “just in his head”, who “sleeps in his bed while he plays pretend.” It is very clearly a trans narrative, the story of someone struggling to put into words what they’re experiencing in terms of gender. To a point that they fantasise about running away. Fine Line brings the ideas of knowing what it all means, which Lights Up kicks off (“do you know who you are?”), Falling deepens (“what am I now?”) and Treat People With Kindness turns on its head (“I don’t need all the answers”), together. Harry is still doubtful, and the questions asked earlier in the album haven’t disappeared, but he has accepted that “some things we’ll never know.” His aim, however, is still “knowing you.”
To have Fine Line, as the summary of these emotions of self-growth and self-discovery, echo that one female pronoun, speaks volumes. It is a direct reference to She, to that story about gender. “Her” in this song refers to “she (who) lives in daydreams with (him).” The one who still only fully comes out when they’ve had a drink. The one he’s still working to include in who he is, as he tries to figure out who he is, all of it. The song where he sings in falsetto, just like on Fine Line. Of which he sang the first verse an octave lower live at the forum, switching between those voices, those perspectives. That’s also why “you” in this song is also Harry to me. We get this fractured sense of self, this “I” and “you” conversing over a drink, this “you” Harry is devoted to and wants to figure out. “You” and “I” form “we” and all of them are Harry. The lines are blurry on purpose, there is no way to figure out where “you” ends and “I” begins.
“You sunshine, you temptress” is the most enigmatic line in that respect, and to me blurs those lines even more between the pronouns. “You” is suddenly also identified by a female noun. And no this isn’t about some kind of love triangle. “Sunshine” aligns with all the odes to his lover in the rest of the album. So what does that mean? That there are multiple “you”s in this song, meaning that Harry is addressing both his lover and a temptress? So “her” he’ll get to thinking of, the only other female pronoun used in the song, is identified as a temptress, but tempting to do what? To take risks? And no I won’t forget the “man, I can hate you sometimes,” where "man” is not a casual interjection but an identifier of “you.”
Or is it an echo of “the light” from Golden’s “bring me back to the light” and Light’s Up’s “step into the light”? So that the “sunshine” symbolises being in the clear, being out of the darkness running through his heart, the darkness caused by not knowing who you are. “You sunshine,” you beacon of light. “You temptress,” risk-taker and source of anxiety. You, one I need to spread open to figure out, to know about, source of happiness and despair, one I’m devoted to but also hate. You, man, you, temptress. You there, in the mirror looking back at me.
All of you, and myself included, we’ll be a fine line. And we’ll be alright.
This song is about all of that. The self in art, the self on its own, the other, the journey, the chances, the fears, the passion. Hope. Reassurance. Confidence. And, most importantly, that everything will be alright in the end.
x
read all my lyric analyses here
#lzjrkfhlejrhgfzjehgrfjhaegrfjhger#i'm done#it's done#this is it#did i have to take breaks to get through this? yes#did i write this with tears in my eyes at times? yes#very much yes#this song.............. oh this song#will i fret and fret wondering if i did it justice? permanently#it means so much to me and it literally makes barely any sense#it's so fucking beautiful#we can try to make sense of it but it's impossible#as it should be#wow#cause of death: fine line#fine line analysis#my post#lyric analysis#gaaaahhhhhh#harry what you do to me#long post
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champagne problems (part 1)
here's my first part of my modern no magic "champagne problems" singer-songwriter quarantine thomastair AU! happy birthday to @foxglove-airmid even though I don't think it's your birthday where you live anymore (and I still haven't posted zia's birthday fic, it'll happen I swear)!
no content warnings for this part (besides maybe quarantine), but future parts will include discussions of mental illness, substance abuse, and a suicide attempt
obviously, the song alastair "wrote" in the fic is not mine, it's by taylor swift! and a few of the lyrics have been changed!
Masterlist | AO3
Thomas breathed out a sigh of relief as he lugged his suitcase up onto the fifth floor landing.
“‘Ere we are,” Piers announced as he unlocked the door.
Thomas was utterly exhausted, such was the result of taking a redeye flight across the Atlantic during a global pandemic, but any idea of rest that he’d had was interrupted when he heard the sound of piano flood the apartment.
“Ah, sorry about that,” Piers nodded, “One of my flatmates, the walls are paper thin. He can’t record at the studio right now, but he’s trying to finish his EP, so it’s been a bit noisier around here. He’ll take a break soon, hopefully.”
Thomas shook his head. “It’s no problem. Thank you, again, for allowing me to stay here. I’ll be looking for my own place as soon as the quarantine is up.”
“Of course. You’ve got the couch as long as you need it. Couldn’t just hang you out to dry, could I? Although, you did pick a god awful time to move to the city, if I do say so myself.”
Thomas sat down on the couch and tried to make himself comfortable. It was more comfortable than the flight or the airport, at least. “I know… I considered postponing the move, but the visa was so difficult to get, I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. They say this will all blow over in a couple of weeks, but borders are closing and I heard talk of them suspending all pending visa applications. I didn't know how long it would be if I waited, if the job was even still here for me at all.” Although at first entrance, the music had seemed to be a nuisance, it now comforted him. It wasn’t bad at all, in fact, it quite reminded him of the days Alastair’s playing had filled their flat…
“Where did you say you were working again? At a record company?”
“Yeah. I’m just doing pretty basic stuff for now, but if I ever do want to record my own music, I’ve got to start somewhere.”
“Hm,” Piers said, gesturing to the room the music was coming from. “Perhaps you’ll get on with him well, then. Would you like some tea?”
Thomas nodded and Piers went to start the teapot. Piers continued, “Though I suppose he's more of the tortured artist type. Very reserved, quite prickly. I didn't even meet him until a couple weeks after I moved in here because he was off in some psychiatric hospital.” Thomas shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He was never one for gossip. “My other roommate’s nice, though, I think you’ll like him. He-”
“How did you end up in New York, again? I don’t think I ever asked.”
Piers dove into the subject change quite readily, explaining his uni - or college - years in New York City and his decision to stay afterwards. Thomas had tuned most of it out, truthfully. It wasn’t that he was trying to be rude, but he was rather exhausted, and Piers was wearing thin on his patience.
As the kettle started to whine, Thomas heard the musician begin to sing, and he froze. It sounded so much like Alastair. But it couldn't be, could it? With over 8 million people living in the city, he would not end up in Alastair's apartment by accident. His Alastair was certainly reserved and prickly, but it wasn't possible. It must be like all those times he thought he saw him on a street he'd never walked or heard his laugh in a café he'd never been to. Just his mind, tricking him. Even if he knew that voice so well, despite not hearing it in so long.
“It’s quite good, isn’t it? His first single just dropped.” Piers asked, bringing over his cup of tea. He hadn’t realized it, but he’d been staring intently at the door.
Thomas took the cup. “Hm? Yeah, I guess. Thanks.”
“You should look it up. It’s called “champagne problems” by Simurgh. That’s spelled- Well, it should come up.”
The name Simurgh sounded familiar, but Thomas couldn’t put his finger on where he knew it from. At Piers’ insistence, he pulled out his phone and brought up the song. As he skimmed through the first few lines, a cold feeling settled in his stomach.
“You booked the night train for a reason So you could sit there in this hurt Bustling crowds or silent sleepers You're not sure which is worse”
“Simurgh,” Thomas realized.
“Yeah, I think it’s Arabic or something.”
It took Thomas a moment to process that Piers was responding to him. “It’s Persian.” He was certain that Alastair would have some very stern words to say if he heard Piers confusing the two, actually. Thomas had admittedly let his Farsi skills deteriorate quite a bit since the breakup, but he was fairly certain the name came from the Shahnameh. There was no doubt in Thomas’ mind now: he was staying in Alastair’s apartment, and Alastair’s first single was about one of the most painful days in Thomas’ life. “I, er, I used to study it.”
“Oh, yes, that’s right!” Piers launched into a tangent that Thomas tuned out as he read through the rest of the page.
“Because I dropped your hand while dancing Left you out there standing Crestfallen on the landing Champagne problems”
“Thomas? Are you alright?”
He realized then that his hand was trembling so badly that his tea nearly spilled. He used his other hand to steady it. “Oh, uh, yes, I’m just tired.”
“Perhaps you should rest. I can ask Alastair to quiet down for a while-”
“No!” he exclaimed rather too forcefully. “No, that’s not necessary. I’d just rather not talk, if that’s alright.”
Piers nodded.
Thomas kept reading.
“Your mom's ring in your pocket My picture in your wallet Your heart was glass, I dropped it Champagne problems”
Of all the songs, why did he release the one about him? Why was it about a memory still so painful in Thomas’ heart, all of these years later? He remembered it so well, standing there, alone, shattered into a million pieces.
“You told your family for a reason You couldn't keep it in Your sister splashed out on the bottle Now no one's celebrating”
He was fairly certain that Barbara had been more excited than even he was, confident that Alastair would accept, and so very proud of her baby brother, all grown up. She’d been furious when it fell apart, but it was her who stood with him during the aftermath, who boarded him onto a train to Edinburgh to visit Eugenia when he couldn’t stand to be in the same city as him any longer, who went through his phone, blocking all of Alastair’s accounts so that he could obsess over him no longer, who comforted him as he wept and held him as he picked the pieces of himself back up again.
And all the more sour was the memory in light of her death.
“Dom Pérignon, you brought it No crowd of friends applauded Your hometown skeptics called it Champagne problems”
He looked up at Piers, who had fortunately become enthralled with something on his phone and was no longer paying Thomas any mind. He lifted the teacup gingerly to his lips, but he felt far too sick to take a drink.
“You had a speech, you're speechless Love slipped beyond your reaches And I couldn't give a reason Champagne problems”
A reason, that’s all Thomas had wanted. Just any explanation. He understood if they were moving too fast, or perhaps he’d misread something, but he just didn’t understand it.
Why? Why can’t you tell me why? I deserve an explanation, Alastair. Please, anything.
I… I’m sorry, Thomas.
Stop it! Stop apologizing! We can just go home and pretend this never happened, please, forget about all of it, it was a stupid idea-
Thomas, stop. I shouldn’t’ve… This was a mistake. I’m sorry I didn’t see that sooner.
That was the moment Thomas felt his heart stop beating.
“Your Midas touch on the Chevy door November flush and your flannel cure "This dorm was once a madhouse" I made a joke, "Well, it's made for me" How evergreen, our group of friends Don't think we'll say that word again And soon they'll have the nerve to deck the halls That we once walked through”
Despite the nearly two decades Thomas had spent in London before Alastair, it was never the same without him. He saw him everywhere he went, despite knowing he was thousands of miles away. After graduating uni that May, he accepted a spot at a graduate program in Spain and didn’t look back.
“One for the money, two for the show I never was ready so I watch you go Sometimes you just don't know the answer 'Til someone's on their knees and asks you "You’re the only one I want by my side, What a shame you’re fucked in the head," you said”
Those were the words that haunted Thomas’ nightmares, even now.
It’s you! It’s only you for me! It was always going to be you! But I can see now that I was never going to be enough for you, you and your secrets and walls and your lies. It’s a shame… it’s a shame you’re so fucked in the head, Alastair. You’ll never truly love anyone, will you? You’re not physically capable of it.
Alastair hadn’t responded. Thomas had wanted a rise out of him, any reaction at all, despite knowing how lethal and volatile Alastair could become when provoked. But there was nothing. Not a flicker of anything in his steeled expression. He’d simply looked down, apologized again for any pain that he’d caused, and left.
That was the last time they’d spoken.
Thomas and his sister left for Edinburgh that night, and when he’d returned to London, Alastair was gone.
“Well, you'll find the real thing instead Who'll patch up your tapestry that I shred And hold your hand while dancing Never leave you standing Crestfallen on the landing With champagne problems”
Thomas couldn’t imagine giving his heart to anyone again, not now and certainly not then. He’d dated in Madrid, but it had always stayed casual. He’d made sure of it. He could see now that he and Alastair had gotten together quickly, moved in together quickly, done all of it very quickly. After all, he’d fallen hard and fast. He gave all of himself to Alastair, and he’d nearly lost all of himself in the process.
“Your mom's ring in your pocket New picture in your wallet You won't remember all my Champagne problems
“You won't remember all my Champagne problems”
Now, he wondered what the rest of the story was. He’d convinced himself that Alastair had never loved him, that he was heartless and cruel, though he’d known that wasn’t true. Could Alastair have written this song if he’d never truly loved him? Perhaps he was a sociopath.
Thomas felt like he should run. Like he should pick up his bag and dart out of the apartment before Alastair could notice him, find some hotel somewhere with undoubtedly extraordinary high rates and just pretend like this never happened. He could get back on a plane and go back home to his parents and delete his phone browser history and pretend like this was all just a bad dream. But he could not move.
He didn’t know how many minutes had passed before Alastair’s door opened. He looked up with a start.
“Thomas,” Alastair breathed. He stood wide eyed, flushed.
“Do you two already know each other then?” Piers asked.
There was a moment of silence before Thomas cleared his throat. “We used to,” he said, looking down.
“I, er, I forgot that your friend was coming today,” Alastair told Piers. “It’s quite a long journey from London, you should have told me, I would have been quieter.”
Thomas considered correcting him for a moment, but decided not to. “Don’t worry about it. I heard you had your first big release. Congratulations.”
Alastair gave an awkward nod. “Thank you. Right, well, I’ll just…” He rushed over to the kitchen and pulled a bottle of water from the fridge. “I’ll try to be a bit quieter.”
“Don’t- It’s fine, really. In fact, I’m sure there’s some hotel in the area I can stay at for now, actually-”
“Well, don’t leave on my account,” Alastair interrupted. “We agreed to let you stay here, and the city’s a bloody mess right now. I’ll stay out of your hair, Thomas.”
Thomas only nodded as Alastair disappeared back behind his bedroom door.
Thanks for reading! Taglist (ask to be +/-): @stxr-thxif @chaos-and-starlight @zosiaenrique @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd @dianasarrow @eugeniaslongsword @bookswitchcraftandcats @jamesherondaleofficial @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @livingformyself @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid @writeforjordelia @sapphic-in @jem-nasium @fortheloveofthecarstairs @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @shadowrunner2000 @thewarthatsavedmylife @fair-childd @itsjusta-j-really
#alastair carstairs#thomas lightwood#thomastair#tlh#the last hours#fanfic#fanfiction#champagne problems au
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Shit they don’t tell you about Autism/Aspergers
Well, I’ve been learning more and more about different signs of being neurodiverse and I thought I’d put my own experiences here just in case it might be able to help someone else understand their diagnosis or themselves better. If you feel you have Autism, please speak to your GP or doctor to be able to talk to a professional because like all things, self diagnosing isn’t a good idea, ya feel me. - Let’s talk clothing b. Yes, so basically Autistics like to dress more comfortable, probably hate things like tags (I used to cut them off) and might only wear certain fabrics. Some people might wear certain colours only as well. Although, the general thing is that Autistics “aren’t expressive” you’ll find a lot of Autistics are and that might be reflected through their alternative clothing choices. Another thing is you might have very sensitive skin, washing powder can cause rashes and itchiness, you might not even be able to use soap. - Hair. Hair is so gross. So basically you might feel that having your hair in your face is so annoying. Ever since I was little I always remember just tying my hair up and leaving it like that. Wanting short hair to avoid it touching your face because of sensory issues. Although, you might like to have it coloured and expressive you might struggle to have your hair down because it just feels so gross. In relation to hair when washing it you might hate the sensation of shampoo and water and all that. - Although, being very monotone is a sign of Autism being very expressive is also a sign. The thing is I feel a lot of Autistic people without the correct support have probably got a diagnosis of depression or anxiety and I feel like that combined with feeling Autistic might make it hard for you to put any energy into things, whereas you know you are a expressive person. Also you probably have hella empathy. I know that is like the opposite of what you hear but seriously, myself and some other people I know with Autism are very empathetic people and feel emotions to an extreme. Although, it might not seem like we feel anything from facial expressions and responses we might be feeling so much it’s just too overwhelming to express it. - Let’s talk acting like a child. Not saying this to dig because I’m the same way, but most people who have Autism might regress into a childlike state which is known as age regressing. It’s usually a coping mechanism to deal with stress but I suppose it could also be triggered by sensory issues? Like I find when I’m really happy I’m very childlike. Oh and you might act younger then you are or be really immature, not always taking things seriously or understanding things. Which is okay and why having a specialist to help support you with the stuff you struggle with is key. - Stim. Stim. Stim. We hear about happy stim, sad stim but honestly you might just stim for every emotion. Also people with Autism might seem like they have tics but they can have vocal stims as well as motor. - Gender is complex right? Yeah I feel you. Feel like you flucuate between genders, have no gender, feel in the middle or might even be trans - although, this is a sensitive topic Autistics actually are more likely to have different relationships with gender due to how we view and feel about the world. So whatever gender you are b, you are valid! - Identity is confusing. The thing is you might feel like you have alters or different versions of yourself as well, which is why Autism is not diagnosed and you might be diagnosed with BPD or like DID. The thing is identity for us is always so confusing and we have such a different relationship about things about ourselves and how we view things. Sometimes it feels like someone were not and sometimes we feel like a different person, but that is okay and valid. - Control as a stress management. Now this is where things like eating disorders can be developed, maybe self destructive behaviours like self harming or perhaps being very toxic to keep everything the way you can because you feel like your life is going out of control. I really do feel you - and that’s why seeing a specialist can help you cope with shitty times like this. But that is a sign. - You have a safe space. Probably your house, your room and you barely leave it. You feel so fucking overwhelmed outside. Too many people, too many noises, too many things going on, which is why Autism can seem like an anxiety disorder but you just feel things very sensitive and can have sensory overload. - If you’re an adult now, probably as a child you were told you were just intelligent and there’s nothing wrong with you. Yep. Same here. Parents tried to get me diagnosed as a young age but they wouldn’t even test me. - For me, I cannot stop listening to music. I express myself through music. I’ll send people songs and tell them to pay attention to the lyrics or the video because it’s how I feel and it’s how I express myself. Some people might do that with art or writing or something they use to express that isn’t vocally with words, people might sing or make songs. There tends to be a creative or different way you express your emotions. - Special interests. They might change throughout your life. I thought you had to have something you were interested in since a kid but they can change and it’s known as hyperfixations! It can be literally anything, and they are valid. You probably hate talking to people if they don’t share one of your hyperfixations because you feel misunderstood or weird or lonely. Doesn’t have to be anything out of the ordinary. - Might blurt out how you feel to people, like having no filter. You like to have deep meaningful relationships and want friends you can talk about your deep routed emotions and dreams with rather then wow there is something on the news. That shit doesn’t interest you at all. - This might be an embarassing one but you might have a lot of issues with going to the toilet (ie. bleeding or runny stools and etc), especially when you’re stressed you might have really bad stomach issues or abdomen issues. That aren’t always explained but are probably stress induced when everything is too much for you, people tend to be more sensitive to those types of things if they’re Autistic due to sensory and sensitivites. - Meltdowns can be shown in crying breakdowns, anger breakdowns, can also be shown as completely shut down and you might experience catatonia, where you struggle to talk or move because you feel so sad, you might get so worked up and might even feel as low as feeling suicidal and might self harm as well when in these meltdowns. - You hate injustice and you probably are an advocate for the mentally ill or disabled. Seeing injustice might actually trigger a meltdown because you want to change things - due to your extreme empathy but you struggle to accept you can’t save the world. - Might have fake friends but as you grow older might cut those people off for using your energy and might end up with having barely any to no friends. Might feel extremely lonely and not understand why people can’t just be nice to you. - Relationships you probably take very seriously, like full on planning marriages when it might just seem like nothing to someone. This can make you prone to abusive relationships and you might not always notice if that person is good for you, no matter what they do you probably try to continue to fix the relationship. Took some notes from p-3a-s-life-resources <3 and personal experience.
#autism#asperger#aspergers#neurodivergent#neurodiverse#shit they dont tell you#signs#mental health#awareness#information#oh heck this is long
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wildest dreams.
a steve rogers x fem!reader wherein the reader falls in love with the super soldier who can’t seem to let go of the past.
WARNING: angst, one-sided relationships, set four years after the snap.
A/N: hello !!! this is the first marvel fic i’m posting and i am very nervous about it aha. i hope all of you would like it though !! i’m kind of back into the flow of things for writing (since im on a one week break from school) but im still trying to maneuver through it. this is inspired by wildest dreams; complementary tissues are here if needed.
word count: 3.7K.
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Your attitude died the same day your little brother turned to dust in your arms four years ago. The fear and pain his face had was burned into the back of your mind, haunting you on a daily basis; his cries echoing in your head.
But things seemed to change when your aunt introduced you to the talks the remaining Avengers had weekly for the people who were still struggling with the sudden loss of their loved ones; seeing and meeting people who were going through the similar struggle as you helped a lot in coping with the eternal torture that you had.
That’s when you met him; the man who held your heart in the palm of his hands. Steve Rogers.
---
“How come you’ve only started going to these meetings after four years?” Kenzie, a girl who’s a few years younger than you asked, causing everyone in the meeting circle to look at you. Your eyes widened at the sudden question, feeling a slight tinge of pink creep up on your cheeks at the attention you’ve gained.
You bit your lower lip as you contemplated whether or not to answer the question, “I- I had a hard time accepting my brother’s gone since he's my only family. I locked myself up for the last four years, rarely talking to anyone until my aunt forced me to get into these types of things and well now I go here whenever my days get really bad. I had to move on somehow.” You answered, tone laced with truthfulness, giving her a small smile.
“Well we’re both glad and proud you’re here and that you’ve decided to move on from what happened.” Steve spoke up, making everyone look at him, including you. His blue eyes peering into yours, giving you a small nod which you reciprocated, the eye-contact causing the others words of agreement and encouragement to be drowned out.
The rest of the meeting flew by as normal as the superhero continued to talk about how everyone should move on from what happened一 accompanied with the occasional stolen glances Steve gives you一 and soon enough, everyone was giving each other hugs and bidding their goodbyes until the next meeting.
You were grabbing your jacket when someone tapped your shoulder, looking back you saw the super soldier look at you with a somewhat nervous glint in his eyes, “You’re Y/N, right?” He asked, showing you a small grin as he pushed his hands inside of his pocket.
“You have the right person, Mr. Rogers.” You answered, unsure of why he would suddenly come up to you. It didn’t even take you a second to register the rather homey smell of laundry detergent and a hint of a manly perfume you couldn’t put a name on that he sported.
“I’ve been seeing you a lot in these sessions一 I, I was wondering if you would like to go grab some dinner sometime?” He asked awkwardly, unsure of how to sentence the thoughts that were inside his mind.
Your eyebrow quirked at the male who was normally eloquent and sure of his words, is now fumbling over how to ask you out for dinner but who were you to say no to such a rare opportune to spend some time with the male, “I… I would love to.”
And that was the start of it all.
---
At first he was worried about the situation the both of you had, fearing that you might be hated for once the word goes out to the public that you were dating him so you compromised, telling him that no one has to know what the both of you do; that it was okay for him to keep you as his secret, admitting that all of this gave you a thrill.
Until eight months later, Steve had finally said he had enough of hiding and offered to take you to the Avengers compound where he introduced you to the rest of the heroes who were working hard to keep everything intact after the tragic event that happened a little well-over four一almost five一 years ago.
“Steve, do you think they liked me?” You had asked him, eyes trained to the ground as the both of you walked around the Facility, hands tucked behind your back as the cool air of the setting sun wafted around the both of you. There was silence on his end before he spoke up, “Nat wouldn’t have choked on her drink at that joke you made if she didn’t.”
You looked up at him, a hopeful smile adorning your lips, “So does that mean I’m accepted here, then?” It was kind of ridiculous to ask that question after hearing him just say that Natasha laughed at your joke, but all he did was nod and wrap his arm around your shoulder, pulling you in.
“Even if they didn’t, they have no choice. You’re stuck with me.”
The mere memory made you smile as you drove into the facility, having the intention of surprising him with a gift you had made him; a painting of the first photo you two took together, at Time Square.
You and Steve were on another spontaneous road trip; he was free for the day and had asked you to accompany him to drive around New York and before you could even decline, he was already knocking at your apartment door, ready to pick you up.
The day was filled with quiet laughter as you introduced him to newer music and those timeless masterpieces that he missed out on during his 70 year freeze. “I can’t believe you don’t listen to Queen! That band is a whole icon!” You called him out as you started to play Bohemian Rhapsody in the background. “I’m introducing you to the basics.”
“Hey I don’t have as much free time as you, you know.” Steve said, stepping on the gas as you two finally entered the rather empty streets of Times Square.
Your day was filled with laughs and banter as you continued to introduce him to newer songs, occasionally playing some older tunes that he could enjoy himself and talked about how his life was before he was dunked into the ice. “Must’ve been a real hard time for you to grasp on to everything suddenly being so modern.” You commented, looking up from your phone to give him a small smile.
“Oh trust me, it gave me quite the shock waking up to see everything so… new and foreign. But I had to learn一adapt even to what happened.” He started off, slowing down the car for him to look up at the large skyscrapers. “I had to move on or else I would still be miserable until now.” He said, tongue clicking at the top of his mouth.
The car came into a full stop making you look at him in confusion. “Why’d you stop the car?” But he didn’t answer, instead he got out and jogged around the car to open the door for you. You stepped out, brows still furrowed. “We didn’t have the luxury to take that many photos back in the day and I would regret it if I didn’t have one with you.” He said, rubbing the nape of his neck.
Breaking out into a smile, you agreed almost instantly and pulled your phone out, quickly opening the camera. “This is a selfie, alright?” You said, not forgetting to tease him, earning you an eye roll from the male. “I’m not that outdated!” he retorted, pulling you into him as he motioned you to take the photo.
You were snug in his arms as you put the phone up, “To more memories with you, Captain.”
You were all smiles the moment you parked your car and grabbed the canvas from the trunk, heading inside the compound where Nat instructed you to go around when you bumped into Rhodey who was quick to recognize you, “Hey you’re Cap’s girl, right?” which made you shake your head hesitantly, causing the other to look at you with a bamboozled expression. “What do you mean ‘no’?”
“Well, Steve hasn’t asked me out officially but that’ll change soon enough. I made him this gift and will actually ask him. A bit odd I know, but if neither of us would make a move then this would probably drag on.” You confessed, grinning at the soldier excitedly who now had an amazed expression on his face. “Alright then. He’s in the office with Romanoff so knock yourself out.”
You were nearing the office when you overheard the conversation between assassin and Steve.
“So when are you officially going to ask Y/N out?” The female asked, making your heart race in anticipation and hope that he might actually ask you to be his soon. However, the quietness that followed made your excitement go down and your heart to drop to your stomach; the giddiness you were feeling was replaced with worry as negative thoughts started to infiltrate your mind.
A sigh was finally heard from the other end, “Nat, I haven’t been completely honest with you. I… I don’t think I ever will.” The latter started off, heaving another sigh as a shuffle of feet was resonating through the quiet room. “It’s just… Y/N’s a great girl you know? I thought I could love her but she’s一 she’s not like Peggy.”
You could hear Nat scoff lightly, probably in disapproval, “Then why’d you lead her on like this? That’s an asshole move from you, Steve.” and you couldn’t agree more. Your mouth was held over your mouth as you tried your best not to make any sound, wanting to hear more from his side before you make your presence known; in foolish hopes that he might be able to move on and be with you instead.
“I… I honestly don’t know how to bring it up to her. She seems so happy with me and I don’t have the heart to tell her I don’t like her the same way she does with me.” He answered, voice laced with regret and guilt that he made you believe in something that wasn’t even possible in the first place.
That’s when your dreams of being with him was shattered; the visions you had of being in a family with him and living the rest of your days together were turned into dust. You were aware of the history Steve had with the woman; how he met her before subsequently falling into the ice that would freeze him. He made you feel so loved and convinced you that what you were feeling was reciprocal to his but you were wrong.
So damn wrong.
Suddenly, the promises he made of being with you until time permits became a blur to you, those late night talks of imagining what could happen if he and the others were to save the world and him bringing back your younger brother seemed like a far-fetched dream which shattered you even more.
So with every strong fiber that you had left within you, you re-emerged from your hiding spot and looked at the two heroes, Steve being the first one to see you, the color from his face drained. “Y/N I could expl一”
“Save it. Delete my name from your contacts, Rogers. I’m sorry I was foolish enough to think you would like me.” You told him, walking over to where he was to give the painting you worked so hard on, shoving it into his hands and mustering up the courage to look at him again. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry I couldn’t be your best girl.”
And then you ran, pretending not to hear him calling out for you; you ran all the way to the parking lot and by the time you could lean onto the door of your car, you were breathless and choking on the tears you fought hard to not spill but it was all too much.
As you drove away, a part of you hoped he ran after you but you were foolish enough to even hope so because he never did.
---
You sat by the window of your brother’s room, looking out into the empty streets of Manhattan. After the incident with Steve, you were left to fend for yourself again and it left you feeling lonelier than ever. He never contacted you, not even once after everything the two of you have been through. It seems like you were just a memory that was easy for him to forget.
Tears threatened to fall from your eyes once again when you heard something swoosh from the other side of the room. Snapping your head to the side, you could see something or someone form from dust and that’s when you realized it was your younger brother.
Rising to your feet, you sprinted over to where he was, “Xavier?” You whispered, choking up on tears as your little brother’s doe eyes looked up at you in disbelief and fear. He was only five years old when he disappeared into nothing and it looks like he hasn’t aged even a day. His arms immediately sprung up to ask for your embrace to which you complied with.
You scooped the toddler up in your arms and hugged him tightly, fearing he might disappear again. Then you heard it, the streets outside were filled with screams of confusion and terror as people started forming again one by one, chaos ensuing outside of your quiet home; but you were tranquil, because you knew Steve had kept his promise of giving you your brother back, of making everyone else return.
---
It's been a good week since everyone has gone back, people still trying to process everything that has happened. Families were and still are reconnecting, businesses and government officials are trying to get a hold of things together.
Your life was slowly going back to normal. Your little brother was back meaning the small house you live in is starting to be filled with joyous laughter again as the little tyke's energy was bursting at the seams.
You and your aunt watched as Xav played with the teddy bear she got for him upon her visit, "Everything seems so much lighter with the little troublemaker around, isn't it?" She asked, glancing at you as she continued to knead the dough of the cookies she's making for you and your brother.
"It definitely is. Suddenly this place feels like home aga—" Your sentence was cut in the middle when a loud knock came from your door making your brows furrow.
"Oh were you expecting anyone?" Your aunt asked, you shook your head in response but before you could answer her your brother's voice resonated through the house. "I'll get it!" but what you expected next was the last thing you could have ever expected.
“Y/N! It’s- It’s Captain America!” Xavier’s voice was a pitch higher due to his excitement upon seeing the superhero then his laughter soon followed. Your aunt gave you a surprised yet knowing look, motioning you to go to the door. “You better go and ask the man what he wants from you. I’m not listening to your excuses, go.”
You knew better than to argue with the woman so you slowly made your way to the front door where you saw Steve who sported a few wounds to his face carrying your little brother, his smile wide as he answered questions the child asked. “I think Cap has had enough questions to answer, Xav. Go back inside.” You told him, much to the five year old’s dismay.
“But Y/N! I haven’t asked一” “I’ll be back later to answer those okay? Go listen to your sister.” Steve was the one to answer now, setting Xavier down and patted his head. He gave the super-soldier a thumbs up and ran inside, giddily telling your aunt that he got carried by the blonde.
The two of you stared at each other quietly, before you decided to speak up. “How about we go to the backyard and speak there, yeah?” You offered, making some room for him to enter the house, to which he agreed with, entering your humble home. Upon closing the door, you whispered a quiet “let’s go” to him and led him to the back of your house.
You sat down by the lone tree that stood in the middle of your garden, patting down the space next to you. “So what brings you here?” You asked once he sat down, turning to the male with a small yet hesitant smile.
“I’m returning the infinity stones tomorrow but before that I want to apologize.” Steve started off, looking into the distance as he couldn’t bring himself to look into your E/C orbs that he once found comfort in, fearing that it might be filled with hatred for him. “I’m not sure how much you heard that night but I have… no excuse for what I did to you. I thought I could love you, that I could move on but I guess I’m still stuck in the past.” He admitted, tone quiet and soft like the rustles of the leaves that hovered above the both of you.
“I came to you because you reminded me of Peggy. It was selfish of me to even approach you with that intention in the first place but I can assure you that every moment we shared together is something that I cherish deeply. Even一 even the first kiss we had right under this tree right here.” He finished, a sad sigh following his sentence.
It was a cool night and you were drifting off to sleep when you heard something tap the windows of your room, causing you to sit up and walk towards the source of the noise to see Steve gathering more rocks. Opening the window, “Steve? What on earth are you doing here?” You asked, amused at his antics that seemed too out of character even for him.
“I came to see you! You aren’t going to the session tomorrow, right?” Steve said, motioning you to come down. His smile was big as the moon shined over him, defining his facial structure even more despite the darkness of the night.
You shook your head in disbelief, you had told him that you weren’t going to attend this week due to the fact that it was supposed to be your brother’s tenth birthday today and you had every intention to celebrate for him. “Go to the back! I’ll meet you there.” You told him, motioning to the garden at the back of your childhood home.
You quickly threw on a pair of pajama pants and headed down, grabbing a few snacks from the kitchen pantry before heading out to the backyard where you saw him sitting down by the tree and waved for you to come on over to him.
You plopped down next to him and his arms were instantly around you, “How old is your brother by tomorrow?” He asked, squeezing you to him gently as he placed a gentle kiss to the top of your head. His familiar scent greets your senses, causing you to completely ease up in his touch.
“Xav’s supposed to be ten tomorrow. I promised him I would take him to the beach for this tenth birthday so I have every intention of doing so even without him here.” You answered, the familiar feeling of sadness forming in your chest at the idea of spending another birthday without him; it was too painful for you.
Comfortable silence then wrapped the both of you before he spoke up again, “I promise I’m getting your brother back. I don’t know how we can do that, but I promise you I will.” Determination was dripping through every word, making you look up at him as hopefulness filled your eyes. Your gaze met before you leaned in to connect your lips with his for a quick kiss.
Realizing your actions, you looked at him in shock as a hand hovered over your lips. “Steve I’m so sorry” but you were quickly silenced when his plush tiers met yours for another kiss, this time longer and filled with more emotions. The both of you kissed until you had to break away due to the lack of oxygen, resting your forehead against his.
“Don’t be sorry, Y/N.”
You chuckled softly at the memory, a sad smile on your lips as you decided to speak up, “Did you ever regret meeting me, Steve?” You questioned, staring off into the distance as the feeling of defeat consumed you. There was a shift in his position as his hand cupped your cheek, making you look at him.
His brows were furrowed as he shook his head, “No, I could never regret meeting you. The only regret I have is with myself. For making you love me when I couldn’t even love you back.”
You leaned into his touch as tears flowed down from your eyes, your sobs following as your heart broke more. There was no denying you had fallen for him, that you had fallen quite hard for him but you couldn’t keep him to yourself; not when he’s still in love with the woman he met decades ago. “Thank you for giving me a chance to love you.” You whispered, thankful for the time he spent with you; for making you feel like he was yours for even just a fleeting moment.
No words left his mouth as he leaned in to give you another kiss. Unlike the many you’ve shared, this one was chaste and had guilt written all over it. “I have to go.” He then said, hugging you for the last time as he stood up.
Your hand stopped him from going any further, he looked back down at you with a curious gaze. With the last strong thread that you had, you mustered up a big smile at him. "I hope you still remember me; us. Even if it's just in your wildest dreams." before letting him go.
“I’ll always remember you, Y/N.”
---
TAGLIST: will be fixed soon!
#steve rogers x y/n#steve rogers x reader#steve rogers x you#captain america x reader#captain america x y/n#captain america x you#captain america#steve rogers#steve rogers angst#captain america angst#avengers#mcu#marvel cinematic universe#steve rogers fic#steve rogers fics
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point of view
corpse husband x reader
word count: 2.4k
_______________________________
pov
Growing up, you’d spent so many afternoon and nights in your childhood bedroom scribbling down notes into diaries. Some of it was reality, some of it was fantasy, but all of it was you. Once you were done, you would hide the journals all over your room, they were for your eyes only but your brother use to have a habit of finding them and reading them and teasing you if you happened to write about a boy you had a crush on.
Ironically, when you’d first started talking to Corpse, before he became your boyfriend, your brother had caught you sending him some heart emojis, and even as grown ups, he still teased you about it.
You weren’t surprised that hadn’t changed, but something that did change that did take you by surprise is how that hobby of writing brought you to where you were in your career.
You were on your way to your boyfriends place and in the passenger seat of your car was a CD. In a very early 2000s style, there was writing scribbled onto it done with a black sharpie and the letters read, ‘POV demo’. You could feel nervous butterflies gathering in your stomach as you neared closer and closer to Corpse’s place.
You’d had an incredible past few days. Writing always felt like something for fun, never something that would actually be a career prospect but when your YouTube videos of you sharing your original song ideas started to take off, people started to notice. Someone in particular being Ariana Grande. She’d fallen in love with your writing style and wanted to work with you to create a song for her next album, so of course you graciously and excitedly agreed.
It seemed you and Ariana were in similar phases of your life, both falling in love with someone who seemed so perfect for you. So the song came so easily for you, all you had to do was think of Corpse.
Your car came to a stop out the front of his place and you took in a few deep breaths as you unbuckled your seatbelt and picked up the CD from beside you. You’d written about Corpse before, but never something that was as confessional and honest as this song was.
Will he even like it? You thought to yourself and for a second you contemplated placing the CD under your car to run over it to destroy it. But you wanted him to hear it before it was released to the world. So with one last deep breath you shook your head to try to send the nervous thoughts to the back part of your brain as you exited your car with the disc that had the song on it in hand.
The time between knocking on his front door and him coming to open it had never felt this long before. You were chewing on your bottom lip and your forefinger was picking at the corner of your thumb nail as you anxiously waited. Then when the door opened, you spoke up before Corpse even had a chance to greet you. “I have a surprise for you!” You blurted out as you stepped inside and avoided bumping into him.
Corpse had a humoured yet confused expression as he watched you slip past him, usually you greeted each other with an exchange of touch, but you were barely looking at him right now and seemingly keeping your distance. “What-”
“No, please don’t say anything.” You held your hand up that wasn’t holding the CD as a signal to shoosh your boyfriend. “I have to show you right now before I change my mind.” You were visibly nervous, he could see it so clearly in you right now, so he listened and kept quiet. He wanted you to feel okay, but now you had spiked his curiosity, he had to know what the surprise was. “Can I put a disc in this?” You asked as you walked to a laptop that sat on his coffee table and sat down on the floor to place the CD beside it so you could inspect.
“A disc for what?” He was puzzled by the question.
“Just answer!” You didn’t mean to snap at him, this was supposed to be a good surprise, but god your heart was beating so fast and it felt like it was lodged in your throat. You were about to spill your heart out to him like you never had before and you were terrified of a potential rejection if he thought it was too much. Instead of questioning or arguing or snapping back at you, he neared you instead. Corpse could see your hands shaking a little and you were hunched in on yourself. Usually you were the confident one of the two of you so seeing you in this insecure state was something he wasn’t exactly used to. However, he had seen it before, but only a very few times. As confident and bright as you were, he’d been slowly learning your more deep seeded fears and vulnerabilities, so he was learning how to handle it when you were in a state like this.
“Hey,” He called for your attention as he crouched down beside you his voice ever so calm, one of his hands coming to land on the small of your back and his other grabbed hold of one of your hands. “Look at me.” Finally, you did. With your bottom lip caught between your teeth you turned your head and found his gaze, your eyes flickered between his, you were still so nervous. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
“I mean, yeah, I am. I’m just-” You cut yourself off and you broke away from his gaze.
“Just what?”
“Scared.”
At that answer, his hand on your back rounded around you further as he let go of your hand so he could instead shift closer to you again and use that hand to bring it to the side of your face, encouraging you to turn to him again. “Why are you scared?”
“I’ve really just got to show you this.” Was the only answer you could give him without spoiling what the surprise was.
“Do you want to?” How badly he wanted to know what the surprise was, but he wouldn’t push for it if it caused you to be more on edge.
“Yeah.” You answered him and he smiled before leaning in to kiss you.
“Go ahead then, baby.” Corpse told you after you broke apart, his hands falling from you as you scooted forward to be in front of the laptop and he leant back against the couch.
One last time, you looked back at him over your shoulder, you were more in front of him now, but he was still within an arms length. He nodded fervently at you, watching with interest as turned your attention back to the laptop and opened the device and inserted the disc. With a few clicks, the beginning of the song started to play and you dropped your vision to your hands that sat in your lap before the first lyrics were sung.
It's like you got superpowers Turn my minutes into hours You got more than 20-20, babe
Hearing this, Corpse sucked in a quick breath, it was clicking in his mind what the surprise was.
Made of glass the way you see through me
He directed his gaze to the back of your head, how he wished he could see your face right now, but he knew you must have needed to be facing away from him right now to feel okay with doing this.
You know me better than I do Can't seem to keep nothing from you How you touch my soul from the outside? Permeate my ego and my pride
You spent so much time laughing and joking around, you were a very playful person and sometimes, you found it hard to get more serious. Corpse had been one of the only people to be able to see through this, to be able to reach a more exposed part of you. And as he listened to those lyrics, he recounted a time the two of you were wine drunk and and it was one of the first times you’d ever really opened up to him. But then right after, you’d attempted to laugh it off and he stopped you and made you feel okay with not having to seem like you were at 100% all the time, especially with him.
I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too I'd love to see me from your point of view I wanna trust me The way that you trust me Ooh, 'cause nobody ever loved me like you do I'd love to see me from your point of view
The chorus played and Corpse couldn’t help himself, he leant forward slightly to make contact with your elbow. And even though nothing was said, you understood fully what he wanted, because you did too. Your hand left your lap and without turning your head towards him, you reached your arm behind you, he grabbed your hand once more, intertwining your fingers with his.
I'm gеtting used to receiving Still gеtting good at not leaving I'ma love you even though I'm scared
These lyrics caused his hand to squeeze tighter around yours. It was only a few weeks ago the two of you had a pretty big fight, although it was only born out of fear and it ended in tears. When you were apologising, you’d told him you were so happy he was still with you and you’d also opened up to him about how with every past relationship, you never let yourself get in too deep, you always made a run for it before your heart was too in it. But you didn’t want that to happen with Corpse.
Learning to be grateful for myself You love my lips 'cause they say the Things we've always been afraid of I can feel it starting to subside Learning to believe in what is mine
The chorus began to play again and Corpse tugged on your hand.
I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too I'd love to see me from your point of view
At first, you didn’t respond, and he really didn’t want to interrupt the song, but he wanted you to be in his arms so badly. “Come here.” He tugged again and this time, you finally moved. Your hands broke apart as you scooted back to sit beside him where he was still leaning against the couch and as soon as you were there, his arms came around you, pulling you in so close.
I wanna trust me The way that you trust me Ooh, 'cause nobody ever loved me like you do I'd love to see me from your point of view
Your heart was beating so hard and your cheeks were flushed as you nestled your head into his neck.
I couldn't believe it, or see it for myself Know I be impatient, but now I'm out here Falling, falling, frozen, slowly thawing, got me right
His arms were around you so tight and your emotions were running so high. Tears were pooling in your eyes as your hand grabbed ahold of his shirt, the material pulling taut as your hand tightened into a fist over the material.
I won't keep you waiting All my baggage fading, safely And if my eyes deceive me Won't let them stray too far away
Corpse turned his head in order to be able to press his lips against your forehead as the chorus begun to play out one last time.
I wanna love me The way that you love me Ooh, for all of my pretty And all of my ugly too
Just like earlier, one of his hands would come to cup around the side of your face, encouraging you to look at him again. With his aid, you’d move your head out from the hiding spot you’d found in the form of his neck.
I'd love to see me from your point of view
Corpse swiped his thumb across your cheeks upon seeing that a few tears had spilled over the edges of your eyelids, you were still keeping your eyesight down.
I wanna trust me, ooh The way that you trust me, baby
He’d dip his head then, still trying to connect eye contact. You’d glance up and much to your surprise, tears had begun to bubble in Corpse’s eyes too. You’d let out the softest gasp and your hand would lift to grab a hold of his wrist of his hand that was still cradling the side of your face.
'Cause nobody ever loved me like you do
As the songs last lines were playing, the two of you moved your faces closer together to meet for a passionate kiss.
I'd love to see me from your point of view
The both of you poured every emotion you were currently feeling into the physical display of love and adoration. Deepening the kiss, you’d kneel up briefly so you could climb into his lap and sling your arms around his neck and his arm would tighten around you.
When you both parted to catch a breath, you’d have your foreheads resting against one another until you lift your head back up to look at Corpse properly.
“Did you like it?”
He smiled and shook his head in disbelief at your question, how could you not know that the answer already? “I loved it.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive.”
“It’s everything I’ve always wanted to say to you.” Yet again, you moved your eyes away from his.
He could see that still, you were feeling vulnerable about sharing the song with him. “Baby,” And once again, he was using his hand against the side of your face to coax your eyesight back to his. “It was perfect.” He assured you and he would feel so pleased to finally see a smile appearing on your face. “Should we only communicate in songs now?” He’d joke and he’d feel even more delighted to hear you laugh.
“I love you.” You’d tell him.
“I love you, too.” He’d reply.
“No, like, I really fucking love you.”
“I get it, because I really fucking love you.”
The both of you would laugh again and when it subsided, you shared another kiss.
“Play the song again.”
#corpse#corpse husband#corpse x reader#corpse husband fanfiction#corpse husband imagine#i hope it tags this time :( :( :(#writing#request#mine
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1.5k words, Lovers to Strangers, non-idol AU. Angst, but of fluff
Dancer! Yeosang X Fem! Reader
A/N: WELCOME TO MY very first official Ateez fanfiction!! This is the first of many fics I have planned for Ateez, can’t wait to show em to y’all! Anyways- onto the fic!
The spotlight wasn’t for everybody; it was a fear for some, an intrigue for others. But for him, your swan… the spotlight was his home. It makes so much sense that he left you behind for it.
//WHAT WAS.\\
“Any reason you were missing from class today?” Kang Yeosang was always alluring, but the years of adolescence had worked its magic on him. The years of hard training and workout had melted the soft, childlike sparkle away to show high cheekbones, a sharp jaw and perfectly straight nose. But his eyes were still the same- soft, warm, always lighting up when he smiled.
You were yet to grow up- you still looked like an ugly duckling next to a pure white swan, marring beauty with just your presence. Did you even deserve to call him your best friend? Just because you grew up next to him, witnessing his life as an extension of your own? Was that even barely enough to stake your claim as a friend- as anything, to him?
“My ankle was causing trouble again.” you mutter, toeing off the blanket covering your legs to reveal the bandages wrapped around your right ankle. You were no stranger to injury, your body having taken the brunt of consequences for your clumsiness- but when you set foot on the stage, all the world’s pain seemed to melt away. You and Yeosang thrived off the spotlight and so did your friendship- but over the past year, the intensive program you both belonged to had stepped up their training regime and your body was struggling to keep up. “You really need to take care of yourself.” Despite the years spent around each other, it still astounded you how expressive he was without much movement. All he had to do was settle himself on the couch next to you and raise an eyebrow at you, lips curled in disapproval.
You looked away, the rapid beat of your heart the only betrayal your body gave away for the rush of emotions you were feeling. Damn him for making you feel this way, like summer and winter had descended upon your skin at the same time, like time would stop at your behest when he was around you. Damn him for being so painfully easy to fall in love with. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry.”
“You better be, best friend.”
//
“You’re always so good for me.” Kang Yeosang was always alluring, but moments of intimacy made him look otherworldly. He was a passionate lover, that beautiful body of his aiming for pleasure beyond measure. and pleasure you he did, within an inch of your senses.
You remember not being able to fathom the disbelief you felt when he stood in front of you under a streetlight outside class, hands twisting together nervously as he mumbled out a confession.. a confession of love. It was the dead of night, but you could have sworn you almost felt the sun’s warmth in that moment, spreading from your heart to your toes, until the second thoughts sunk in. The memory of that momentary terror still numbs your fingertips sometimes, the fear that had coursed through your veins in the aftermath of that sunshine. What if, 6 months down the line, he looked back at this moment and felt nothing but a sea of regret? That you were nothing like the person he’d fallen for, only a shadow that could trail his otherworldly radiance? That he was better off far away from you, that you were better off alone, away from him? But you hadn’t voiced your internal sense of dread, choosing to drown instead in the pure joy that had settled onto Yeosang’s face when you told him his feelings weren’t unrequited. The first drag of his lips against yours was a sensation you knew you’d never be able to forget, the recollection still tinged with midnight softness. That night had marked the start of your tryst with Yeosang and romance. Shifting from friendship to lovers was smoother than you had anticipated- it was only a matter of your cafe runs now being categorized as dates, the two of you now able to stumble to one of your apartments hand-in-hand, giggling like high school sweethearts. Your belongings were already scattered around each other’s homes, your parents exchanging knowing glances and accepting the other into the family. As the days went by, slowly and then all too soon, you couldn’t help but look back and think, oh, what an enchantment the two of you were.
You were the king and queen of your dance major, the ones most likely to make it in the world, hand-in-hand. Your duets were the tear-jerkers, the seat-shifters, the reason for the wolf-whistles and the frat-boy whoops in the annual showcases. You were savored by the spotlight, adored by the souls in the seats, envied by your peers.. but your love was for no one but each other- until it all went to hell.
//
“You know I have to do this.” Kang Yeosang was always alluring, but the time he chose to walk away made him unattainable. The accident onstage rendered you with a weak ankle for the rest of your life- imprisoned away from the spotlight. You would never be able to dance again, said the doctors. You were to consider yourself lucky you could still walk. Even trying to dance again would have you running the risk of never leaving a bed again.
And your love, your swan, he couldn’t stomach the idea of being with a lover who could never live in the spotlight with him. He was young, your swan, and disillusioned by the stars that sparkled in front of him, reckless in his pursuit to reach them. So he took his first ticket out- away from you, away from the country, into a new world with a dance company and a dance scholarship.
You hadn’t even left bed rest when he had slipped into your hospital room, looking for all the world like he’d committed a crime he couldn’t bring himself to regret. “You’re okay with me leaving, right?” The undertone of the question felt clear enough that you didn’t say it aloud- looking back, it was possibly because you were too scared of having to hear the words out loud. What were the chances that he would want to keep a relationship with a broken dancer from an old chapter of his past? That’s right, none. It took everything in your body to subdue the response you yearned to give him- no, you weren’t okay. NO, You wanted him to stay. No, you didn’t want to be left behind. But even in the state of imminent despair, the only thing you registered was the hopeful glint in his tired eyes. The same eyes that had dreamt and fantasized of this day, to be worthy of the world’s best, be the world’s best- “Of course, my love. Congratulations, I’m so happy for you.” You reached out for Yeosang’s hand and let him clasp it, his uncertainty melting away as he pressed one last fleeting kiss to your knuckles before the seconds began to fly. All too soon, he was getting to his feet, squeezing your hand before turning away.
“I’ll miss you.” he breathed hesitantly, turning around at the door to meet your gaze for what felt like one last time. “I love you.” His whisper was as light as air, but the silence of the sunrise allowed the words to grace your ears before he slipped out of the room as quickly as he had come, leaving you all alone. Just as you’d feared. He didn’t even break your heart behind him-
So you steeled your nerves and broke your heart by yourself. “No you don’t.”
You remember feeling broken for a long time, like you’d lost an anchor that had held you to the ground where you were supposed to be. In one fell swoop, you lost the spotlight and you lost him. You had nowhere to go anymore- no safe haven, no safe human. And yet, you couldn’t bring myself to hate him, your swan.
Was this what unconditional love felt like?
//WHAT IS\\
“Miss!Miss ! What are your plans for this fine evening? I’m sure a beautiful young lady of your stature has many places to be?”
The lights shone in your eyes- not as one large blinding gleam, but as tens of tiny blinking ones. The cameras clicked at you, petite spotlights of their own.
“Maybe attend a recital, maybe find a drink in your marvelous city.” A renowned romance author at your age was unheard of- and with the rarity came fame. You pieced yourself back together, all by yourself. You grew up, from a broken ugly duckling into something beautiful. This time, you were your own anchor.
//
Kang Yeosang was alluring, but the spotlight following his solitary movements across a worn wood floor made him look like a god. There was nothing hesitant about his movements, the song building up to the swan song, the final adieu, the farewell of a character who had lived too much, too young. The audience was alive, electric with the feeling he left them with.
He made the right choice, your beautiful black swan. Watching him there, onstage, at the zenith of his existence, glowing, burning, alive under the spotlight that was so beloved to him… the embers of what you felt for him stirred, but you know they’d never come to life again.
The spotlight was your swan’s home, and your words would always be yours.
Thank you for reading! Do let me know what you think! - xoxo, Elliana <3
Network Tag: @kpopscape
#kpopscape#ateez#atz#ateez imagines#ateez x reader#kang yeosang#ateez yeosang#yeosang x reader#yeosang imagines#ateez scenarios#ateez fluff#kpop#kpop imagines#kpop scenarios#kpop fluff#ella.ateez#kang yeosang x reader#atz imagines#atz x reader
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Mistake.
Mia + Stray Kids
during their kingdom performance, mia ends up making one mistake towards the end which causes her to be upset.
hope you guys enjoy! please feel free to leave some feedback because it is always appreciated!
[9th Member of Stray Kids]
Mia sat patiently in the chair, getting her makeup done. She was getting a few more touches done on her face, the makeup artist adding some shimmer on the side of her face and neck. As well as adding some sparkle in her hair. Mia felt like she was shining, and them wearing all white made the look even better.
“You look like a disco ball.”
Mia glared at Changbin through the mirror. “Be nice to me.”
“Eh, not fun.”
The girl shook her head, letting out a small snort before she got told that they were done with her makeup. She quickly jumped out of her seat, but had slipped back on the chair. “Woah. These shoes are kinda slippery.” She looked down at the white combat boots she had on and began sliding them on the floor. They were indeed slippery, but Mia paid no mind to it.
She looked at herself one more time in the mirror, her outfit looked great, and her hair had faded out from the pink she had so now she had some blond streaks at the bottom, which she had really liked. And it was pulled back on top, braided. Mia wasn’t a big fan of having her hair in her face because it got in the way of performing sometimes. So she was glad the hairstylist decided to pull it back for her.
“How do I look?” She twirled around when approaching the boys, seeing they were done getting ready.
“Ugly, hideous, I hate you, none of the above.” Minho joked. “Just kidding, you look great. Stunning even, the most beautiful girl in the world, so pretty, Mia.”
Mia rolled her eyes. “Thanks, you’re so kind.” She said, with a hand on her hip.
“Starting making your way to the stage.” Their manager had said to them, making everyone get up from their seats.
Mia began feeling a little jumpy, standing next to the stage. Out of all the performances she’s ever done, the Kingdom performances made her feel more pressure. Mainly because so much was added to them, from props, to having backup dancers, and making sure everything turns out good. Especially since this was basically a competition, not just performing for fun. Although she did hav me fun performing, Mia knew she had to be extra cautious on not making any mistakes. Which has always been not hard to do for her.
“Nervous?” Changbin questioned her.
“A little.” She whispered. “But also super stoked. This might be one of our best performances.”
What could go wrong?
Mia had lots of adrenaline going on throughout the performance, everything was going great. They were close to finishing and Mia was the one that was going to end it with the last verse. She knew she had to finish strong.
Everything was happening so fast when the backup dancers had lifted Mia up and she had to jump down.
But when she did, Mia ended up accidentally slipping. With her shoes and floor being a bit slippery, it wasn’t a good mix which ended up making her fall back.
Thankfully the two backup dancers that were behind Mia caught what had happened and were quick to pick her back up on her feet to pull off the mistake she did. Mia felt her heart racing now, but still manged finish off the song. Except her mind was now on the mistake she had made, and only hoped it wasn’t affecting how she was performing.
They were at their ending pose, and Mia could already feel the embarrassment go through her if someone had caught her mistake. She was also going to feel bad if this mistake was going to cause their rank to go down. She swallowed hard, feeling her anxiety kick in.
And once they got the okay to leave the stage, Mia was the first to get out. “Mia.” Chan called out. He had noticed her mistake and knew she wasn’t taking it so good. Mia only ignored him, looking straight as she could feel herself slowly breaking. Tears making her vision blurry.
“Noona, what’s wrong?”
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” She said, trembling.
“She made a mistake while performing.” Chan whispered to the group, low enough for Mia to not hear. “At the very end.”
“I didn’t even notice.” Jisung whispered back. He felt bad now for Mia. He knew how much Mia hated making mistakes in anything.
“Mia.” Changbin jogged up to the girl, softly grabbing her wrist to turn her around. The group finally catching up to her. “Hey, it’s okay-“
“No, it’s not.” She softly cried. “I should’ve been more careful.”
“Don’t beat yourself up over it, accidents happen.” Seungmin patted her back.
But as stubborn as Mia was, she wasn’t listening to them. The more she thought about her mistake, the more upset she was becoming. Mia took Changbin’s hand away from her wrist and darted away from the group, then quickly following right after.
“Mia!” Chan called out again, but the girl was quick to enter the restroom, causing all of the boys to halt. “She’s really upset.” He sighed.
“It wasn’t even that noticeable was it?” Jeongin questioned. “I didn’t even see it.”
“The two dancers behind her were quick to pick her back up to play it safe.” Chan informed. “But, we should all know her by now. She can be a perfectionist, and this was her very first mistake.”
“She’s going to be in there for awhile then, there’s no trying to talk to her right now.” Jisung sighed. “She’ll only ignore us.”
“Um, excuse me?” A voice said beside the group. “Can I please pass through to use the restroom.”
The group turned to face the direction of where the voice came from. “Oh! Elena!” Jisung exclaimed.
“Hi guys.” She bowed. “Everything okay?” Elena had questioned when seeing the groups’ facial expressions. All looking a bit upset.
“It’s Mia.” Jisung replied. “She doesn’t want to come out of the restroom because she’s upset of her one mistake she did while performing.”
“Oh, I see.”
That was when Chan had came up with an idea now that Elena had showed up. “You’ve met Mia before already, you think you could go in there and talk to her?” Chan suggested. “She probably won’t listen to us when talking to her, but she might listen to you.”
“Please, Elena.” Jisung said after.
“I’ll try my best.” The girl smiled at the group, heading towards the restroom.
Mia was sat against the wall, hugging her legs as tears continued to flow down her face. She felt like she was overreacting, it was only one mistake, not the end of the world. But the more she thought about it, the more she kept feeling worse about it.
When Elena had opened up the door, Mia didn’t dare to look up until she heard her name being called. “Mia?”
“Yes?” She sniffled, when looking up. She felt a relief when seeing it was Elena. They may have only met once but it felt nice seeing her again.
“You okay? Your members told me what happened.” The girl took a seat next to Mia.
“Not really.” Mia wiped her tears away. “It’s just, I feel a bit embarrassed and honestly not good about myself. I should have been more careful when jumping down.”
“If I’ll be honest, I didn’t even notice anything, when did it even happen?”
“Towards the end, when I had to jump down.” Mia answered. “I fell back on my bottom, but I got picked up quick.”
“Ah, see if you would have never said that, I wouldn’t have known.” Elena slightly chuckled, making Mia smile just a bit.
Elena was quick to notice Mia’s small smile which caused her to do the same. She then slightly tapped Mia with her elbow. “Your members probably told you this, but don’t beat yourself up. Especially if the mistake was quickly recovered.”
“I know.” Mia sighed. “I guess it’s hit me a little hard because this is the very first mistake I’ve ever done while performing. I’m always careful.”
“And making mistakes is definitely okay. We’re not perfect, Mia, and accidents do happen, and don’t forget yours was recovered quickly, just gotta make it work.” She reassured her. “Plus what idol hasn’t done mistakes while performing? Your members have, haven’t they?”
“Yeah.” Mia said in a low voice.
“And who knows, maybe you’ll back at this and just laugh about it.”
Mia took in Elena’s words and she was definitely right. Her words made Mia not feel too bad about the mistake happening. “Thanks for this. It definitely helped, Elena.” Mia said, standing on her feet. She put a hand out to help Elena up as well.
“Not a problem at all, glad I could help a little.”
“If you ever need anything, I got you as well.” Mia smiled. And who knows, maybe after Kingdom ends, Mia would end up having another great friend.
Elena had stayed back in the restroom while Mia walked out, feeling a lot better than before. She was met with all her members right outside, everyone staring at her. “I’m okay, now.” She said softly.
Chan broke into a grin and went in to crush Mia with a tight hug. Jeongin had came up from behind her. “That’s great to hear.” Chan patted her head.
———————————————————————————
elena belongs to @ateez-elena! please check out their blog :) hopefully we can continue collabing in the future!
#stray kids au#kpop oc#kpop oc au#stray kids 9th member au#stray kids 9th member#stray kids oc#stray kids female oc#skz au#bang chan au#stray kids fluff#stray kids angst#stray kids addition#kpop female addition#kpop female additional oc#kpop additional member#kpop additional oc#kpop au#kpop fluff#kpop angst
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Astrological Analysis: I.M "Duality"
An astrological analysis of I.M's solo album "Duality" & how his astrological placements manifest through the songs. Changkyun said that he poured his entire soul into this album, so I thought it'll be really cool to dissect the songs in the astrological lens because I'm in love with his artistry.
REMINDER
Observed & analyzed through western tropical astrology; we are missing information due to lack of confirmed birth time, so I can only deliver using the traditional 7 planets (mainly the personal chart) without a house system.
DUALITY
Having the album entitled "Duality" with songs expressing this topic (esp. the title track) reminds me of his Aquarius placements, mainly the Sun. I.M has his Sun in detriment, meaning that his Sun is "weak" or uncomfortable in that sign. As the sister sign of Leo, Aquarius symbolizes celebrities, fame, the star in tarot, as well as hopes & dreams. Aquarius can represent notoriety & infamy while simultaneously having the stereotype of the loner or outsider, not wanting to be perceived or "understood."
Using traditional rulership, Aquarius is ruled by Saturn who also rules Capricorn. If Capricorn rules authorities & conformities, Aquarius is the rebellious younger sibling refusing to conform & rather revolt, deviating from the norm. I.M placed his artistry in precedence; convincing SSE to use God Damn as the title track despite the profanity requiring him to release this album digitally in addition to him creating the tracks in his own style that may or may not be in line with k-pop or Monsta X.
GOD DAMN
In true I.M fashion the song & MV are very concupiscent, & since I already talked about the duality that is expressed through this song, let's talk about the MV specifically. Pisces rules escapism & addiction & his Pisces Venus was very on brand to go with alcohol as the imagery of getting high to hide from his frustrations. This piece is highly self-reflective & he encourages listeners to read between the lines, it's quite Saturnian in nature. I also love how the lyrics have that duality of hating & loving whoever/whatever that is ruining/comforting him—I really associate this with his Martian Moon (him assigning Misbehave as the song that represents him is so... Aries Moon).
HOWLIN'
No more taming 'bout my color I swing 'till I get, what’s the problem? Problem I ain't follow simply what I see I go follow what I need 'Cause I see that I'm loyal Imma go on my speed, even I'm slow
The 1st verse reminds me a lot of his Saturnian + Martian energy—no more wanting to be someone he's not, doing his own thing without care of what others may think. However, the last 2 lines really highlight the fixed modality of his Aquarius: I love that he says he's loyal even if he goes on his speed which can be slow; he doesn't care as long as he gets there.
I don't celebrate 'till I make it till the end Ain't time for the 'hol up' You want me be a shade but I'm made for a big wave Ain't time for the 'hol up'
This song has a lot of Saturnian themes esp. the chorus. It reminds us that Saturn rules time—he doesn't succumb to the challenges & distractions or "hold ups," rather focusing on his goal & only celebrating once he reaches the mountaintop. Saturn is karmic, it takes its sweet time to give you your rewards that you must work laboriously for. He knows he's made for something bigger (Aquarius), & with his perseverance (fixed), determination & passion (Aquarius Mars + Aries Moon), he will be rewarded despite all the struggles (Saturn).
Don't call me, I'm drivin' I just wanna keep on ballin’ Even though when you are hatin’ Woah Grab me when I'm fallin’ 'Cause I make myself so lonely You know that I'm howlin'
However, Saturn can be extremely isolating & Aquarius is akin to the underdog. Of course we don't know where his placements are, but his Pisces Venus contributes to that isolation. He feels lonely & he knows that, but he inevitable makes himself lonely which Aquarius natives can do when they develop that mentality of me v.s. the world sometimes. Keep in mind that Aquarius rules community yet the outsider, showcasing that wanting to be alone while wanting someone to be there for him. Saturn is burden & he's a lone wolf used to being alone carrying all that burden himself.
BURN
The night has become cold and now it's a meaningless fight I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Endless shot, let me head to the top I don't wanna waste my time on the past time Burn the accumulated emotions, burn Burn everything without leaving anything, burn
An Aries Moon anthem? I find that Aries placements love having fire/burning imagery if not in their songs then in their MVs. Aries is Martian, cardinal & fire by nature, which means that Aries Moons may get irritated fairly quickly—a quick temper? But they get over it super quickly, kind of like blowing off steam & then letting it go right after. The Moon rules our emotions, & I think the lyrics speak for itself here. The allusion to the fight is very Martian as well.
I'm mixed and complex, yeah I don't know myself well, eh Yesterday I couldn't empty it out, yeah I'd rather burn it, yeah The tears that fell are oil Make the flame burn higher Pour it out, no more regrets Burn it all up and high, yeah
I really enjoy I.M's introspective & intrapersonal nature; he always says he doesn't know himself well & accepts that rather than fighting it. He accepts all facets of himself, & that's very refreshing. The 2nd verse made me chuckle a little bit because the first 2 lines look Aquarius while the rest is Aries. Not to mention he has an Aquarius Mars conjunct Sun, so, more Martian energy there. Cardinal + Martian give me that attitude he portrays very well in this song—throw some more oil, let it burn more so that there'll be no regrets. Another Aries placement who wrote something like this? Yoongi.
HAPPY TO DIE
I could die right now, yeah I can never lie, yeah You bring me to sky Let me be yours till I die When you say goodbye, yeah Bury me on your heart, yeah Don't you say that word Could you keep it till I die? You brought me back to the real love I wanna get lost here forever
There is so much to unpack in this little song... The chorus is a mixture of Saturnian commitment & Aries headstrong, passionate reckless energy motivated by his romanticist Pisces Venus. The title itself, the whole concept of this song, is fundamentally Pisces (his DSC would be really cool to talk about here, if we had the birth time, but we don't, so).
We're childish like we were when we used to play back then I let go of rationality as if I'm drawn by the wind I don't know what this feeling is Even if I try to pretend I don't know, everything seems to be obvious, yeah I don't know, I like it the way it is I don't know me well, I don't know I guess it's not a lie that I really like you I'm happy to die right now
Verse 1 truly has my heart in a grip. He has a rational & intellectually-minded Saturnian Mercury & Sun, yet once he's in love he gets enamoured & childish, rendered completely irrational. It's giving me Aries meets Pisces—of the moment, idealistic, just overwhelming emotions taking control of his Saturnian mind, which I find funny because he has Moon square Mercury.
Things of mine might go away and shape Will just change, but don't you change When I'm low, could you make me not alone? I could die right now if we were just this crazy about each other
Pisces is sentimental & can represent past lives, that feeling of being stuck in the past? Pisces Venus is visionary & idealistic, they're more in love with the idea of love than love itself sometimes. Here we see that theme of isolation again, his Aquarius could play a role here, but his Pisces placements are also desperate to be loved. The last line, like said before, is utterly Pisces because Romeo & Juliet is known to be a Pisces type of relationship, plus with that Aries Moon... it just makes sense since Aries Moons love the rush & passion.
시든 꽃 FLOWER-ED
Somehow I have no strength to resist I stay right where I am It's not like I'm longing for someone But I'm standing there
Personally loving how his songs gradually grow more & more Piscean? The overwhelming emotion of yearning with no one to long for is so Pisces/Jupiterian Venus in general. Like I said, they're idealistic & in love with the idea of love more than anything—not the happy kind of love either. I notice that Jupiterian Venuses play with the theme of wanting a lot, mainly because they are ruled by the planet of expansion. Distance is a huge theme in Jupiterian signs, & they idealize that.
When you step on me like it's nothing I desperately want you to come back and hug mе I deeply remember your smilе that laughed at me While I was being illuminated by you
Because Pisces placements love the idea of love & the feeling of longing for someone they can get into the habit of sacrificing themselves, hence their association with the hanged man in tarot. They are too focused on the fantasy of love to take off their rose tinted glasses.
I don't really blame you I know your days by my side Have faded away Please don't disappear, oh
The hand that held me, the eyes that captured me are all blind The scattered hands, the shining eyes are gone
I don't know what else to say here, like, I think you guys understand how these verses really depicts his Pisces Venus very well... With a Venus conjunct Saturn it can really emphasize isolation & rejection as well—this aspect feels like they are deprived of love, so they crave it desperately even if it hurts them which is a theme of Pisces. Him titling this track "withered flower" in Korean is so Pisces Venus of him overall.
#i.m#changkyun#im changkyun#monsta x#kpop astrology#monsta x astrology#changkyun scenarios#monsta x scenarios
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weak in the knees
pairing — namjoon x black female reader genre — smut word count — 1.7k summary — “He just loved the sight of your oiled body in his bed, as the light of the candles glistened gold in your chocolate skin” warning — nipple play, mutual masturbation, fingering, cunnilingus
a/n — I think this is my best piece of writing so far, i’m proud of myself. Btw, happy halloween, my lovelies. this isn’t spooky but accept this as a treat. enjoy <3
Namjoon hated being apart from you, the days where you couldn’t find time to talk to each other were the hardest. From the outside, he would pull it off, being calm and collected for most of the day as he goes around with his duties as BTS’ leader. But on the inside, he would nurture a flame, not only from love but from desire too.
Because, truly, he was a simple man. Every fantasy that you had, he would be willing to fulfill. And he knew the experience would be reciprocated. What he loved the most about sex with you was the freedom to be himself, the freedom to express who he wanted to be without being judged.
One of his favorite things to do with you was to just try new positions under a variety of moods. He absolutely has a Pinterest board with a whole lot of ideas on how to create romantics and/or erotic setting, that included lots of candles, comfortable seating places where you could lay down later, sometimes oil, sometimes lube, sometimes both, with or without toys… he just loves the variety.
There was one day where he set up a romantic corner in your backyard. Only things he could do himself with confidence. An inflatable mattress with lots of pillows, a nice blanket, a few electric candles, champagne, and a basket of your favorite snacks. His first plan was to just do a stargazing date, but you ended up having magical and passionate sex under the stars.
On one other occasion, he tried to replicate that moment in his tub. This time with a few scented candles, a nice bath bomb, rose petals, and your favorite chocolate. All of this complemented by a new set of lube and a waterproof vibrator he’d just bought you. He never felt more at home than with you, smiling with his little surprises.
But now he thinks he outdid himself. He was very focused on writing new songs and had neglected you for a few days, but he wanted to redeem himself. So not only he went with the usual stuff, but he also bought you dinner and nice wine, then you both headed to his bedroom, where he put his favorite songs to play, the lights were dim and he bought a new edible lube he thought you both could try out.
So you decided to start, massaging him with your regular oil, taking your time on his feet, going up on his thighs - that you love, massaging his arms and his neck, before going to masturbate him with a grape-flavored lube. Not long before your lips were wrapped around him.
But Namjoon didn’t want the night to go there yet, so he was quick to put you on his bed, starting on your shoulders and neck, taking his sweet time so you could be totally relaxed under his hands, ready to commit to this night.
Your verbal praises were driving him crazy. He couldn’t wait to hear you moan his name, curl your toes, and tug the sheets until your fingertips were white. But he is a patient man, and for now, he decided to just enjoy his view.
It happens every time you’re under indirect lights, he first noticed when you were stargazing and the moonlight painted your skin with a magical glow. But now it was different and he just loved the sight of your oiled body in his bed, as the light of the candles glistened gold in your chocolate skin.
“Hmm, baby, this feels so nice” you said as he started to massage the back of your thighs.
“I’m glad that I’m doing a good job” you could hear the smile in his voice. His hands were really now close to your core, his hands with just enough oil that his firm circling motions in your inner thighs felt really relaxing.
You were back to half moaning, half deep breaths, and he decided to go for your ass, using more oil on your cheeks and returning to the circling motions he was doing before. He then started to grab your ass, each time increasing the pressure, searching for a green light to take this massage to the next level.
“Hmmm, yes, baby” You moaned, and he continued a little bit more before he asked you to lay on your back. You did as he asked and before he went back to work, he just looked into your eyes for a moment longer and pecked your lips. “I love you” he whispered in a low voice, causing shivers down your spine. Before you could say it back, he asked you to close your eyes and relax.
He wasted no more time and oiled your breasts, first massaging them both with his firm hands. You bit your lips trying to maintain composure, but his hands were your kryptonite, and the more he massaged them, the more you could feel the pool forming between your legs.
You gasped when he placed his mouth on your nipple, his relaxed tongue moving from side to side as he hand got firmer on your breasts. You placed one hand in his arm, moaning without holding back this time, to let him know how good you were feeling.
“Yes!” You almost screamed. He sucked on your nipple and relaxed his hands at the same time, the suction sending your core more signals to get ready for what was to come. Your other hand was about to travel to your pussy, to get the friction it needed, but Namjoon stopped your attempts.
“We’ll get there in a second, you don’t need to worry” He placed his lips on yours one more time before his mouth moved to your other breast. You then placed one hand on his hair, tugging it lightly and the other went to his back, to scratch it lightly.
Namjoon was using his tongue again, but he brushed his teeth on your nipple before you could get used to it. But now his ear was close to your mouth, and your sweet and rich moan went directly to his ear, causing him to moan. You shut your thighs close looking for some sort of friction, but Namjoon was out of your nipples once more.
“Trying to enjoy yourself, huh?” He had a cocky tone to his voice as he saw your attempt, which made you blush and cover your face. “No covering your pretty face, I want to see every expression” He laughed and you took your hands out of your face.
Your hand went back to his body, now settling in his hip as he massaged your tighs again. Your nails scratched him a bit when his hands went through your vulva, but they didn’t stop there. He just traveled to your other thigh, leaning over your body. You took advantage of the opportunity and used your hand to masturbate him again.
After that, Namjoon decided that he would retribute the pleasure. He opened your legs and used the remaining of the oil to move his palm through your folds a few times before settling on your clit, just to tap it with the tip of his finger. You were taken by the pleasure, using a little more pressure on his dick, causing him to hiss with the sudden sensation.
You both moaned in unison as you changed your masturbation techniques. You decided to focus on circling the tip of your thumb at the tip of his dick, at the same time that he used two fingers to massage the sides of clit.
“I want your lips on me” you stated looking at his face, that was now sweaty and frowned eyebrows filled with concentration. He stopped everything as he looked at your face.
“It’s time for something new, then” He helped you get on your fours, at the top of his bed. And before he laid down, he grabbed the new lube you were trying tonight and squirted a little bit on his fingers.
He first massaged your clit a little more, but as your pussy was perfectly open in front of him, he saw that wasn’t necessary, your natural lubrication already taking the spotlight as it dripped down your folds.
He then placed two fingers inside you, your walls clenching with the new sensation. His in and out movements were making you hiss, and your moans growing louder the faster he worked. Namjoon moved to curl his fingers to find your spot and placed his thumb back on your clit, moving his fingers in circular motions.
But now it was his time to taste the new edible lube, and after all, you asked for his lips on you. He wouldn’t deny that, already salivating to know what your wetness would taste like with a new product. So he slowly licked your folds, starting from your clit and ending on your entrance, sucking the excess.
He was pleased by the strawberry flavor he picked, and thought it was the perfect compliment to your own taste. His happy tongue was very soft now, going on irregular patterns and irregular pressures. It was just like a sloppy french kiss.
He anchored himself on the bed by his elbows and used his palms to spread your ass a little more, being able to french kiss your clit much deeper this time. Your clit was starting to twitch with the soft sensation of his lips and his nose was very close to your entrance, and as your arousal grew, it started to clench on nothing, making him moan.
The vibration of his moan sent a shiver down your spine, making you grasp on his bedsheets. At one point he circled your clit, making you gasp out loud. He was worried for a second, thinking he did something wrong, but you asked for more of the circling and that was, now, his priority.
He used your verbal clues and directions to find the perfect balance between a precise tongue that would still be soft. You felt your knot tightening in your belly and asked for Namjoon to apply more pressure and speed to his movements.
That’s exactly what he did, but that still wasn’t enough for you, moving your hips a little to ride his tongue, and a few moments later, you felt the pressure release and your core became hotter with your orgasm. Namjoon knew he made you weak in the knees by the way your legs trembled, even tho they were supported by the mattress.
He had the biggest smile on his face when he got up and placed a playful smack in your ass.
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