#I could double check bc i wrote a journal entry that night when i couldn’t fall asleep
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my mom died a year ago
#grief#technically I’m about 4 hours early from the exact tod but yeah#i was probably up til 3:30 or so that night#I could double check bc i wrote a journal entry that night when i couldn’t fall asleep#it’s been 365 really busy days but shit right now it feels like no time has passed at all#but shoutout to palliative care nurses everywhere#and mad props to the oncologists doing bonkers scifi treatments and trials#keep up the good work#mom’s final cancer was a hell of an eldrich beast but medicine keeps developing#and bringing on night nurses for those last three nights of hospice was such a help and a comfort I don’t think I have words for#someone asked me earlier in the afternoon if i was through it having been a year and all#and i straight up said No I Am Still In The Thick Of It#my cousin (who lost her dad/my uncle 8ish years prior) said at the funeral reception “it doesn’t get better”#and she was right#it doesn’t get any better at all#you just get used to it#the lack of that person becomes familiar#even though your connection to them still feels active#like a phantom limb#it still feels horribly horrendously wrong that she’s gone#the world is certainly poorer in her absence#if I could offer any advice for anyone it would be to talk to your loved one(s) about this all ahead of time#don’t wait til they get sick don’t wait til they get old or whatever#start talking through it now#(certainly legally but also logistically)#unfortunately it’s a certainty that you will lose the person most important to you#or they will lose you#so don’t hide from it or put it off. it’s part of any relationship. it’s there and no one can escape it.#but yeah#right now this hurts
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