#I cant focus much on school anymore because of how foggy everything is getting

[jaime-in-chaos]

been having a brain funk recently :/

[18goingon38]

Part 10

Too much has happened. In the regards of my brother, that’s perfectly fine. He’s happy, healthy, and home. The woman M has realized I’m not evil, I’m no thief, and I’m no liar. We have a fine line of respect now which is more than I thought we could have. My great grandmother is slipping, her age is showing. She’ll be 87 in December, she only remembers me but everyone else is a bit foggy until she gets a good look at you. She doesn’t have long even though I need her here longer. That’s life and I’ve accepted it. Death isn’t something I run from, death is peace. Death, makes everything no longer your problem. But other events have happened. Life changing, heart wrenching, emotionally draining, events. Firstly my best friend was riding her motorcycle and another rider side swiped her. She’s alive and she’s still a bad ass but the universe said if I leave you her, I must take her leg. It’s hard for me to even write this. I take care of her too now, she needs me more than ever. Her left arm is broken and her left left was amputated right above the knee. I’m nothing but grateful that I can still come home and see her. But the toll of working 2 jobs, taking care of elderly, a teenager being home schooled, and now an amputee, has really hit. I’ve forgotten myself. In more ways than just “I forgot to take a shower” “I forgot to brush my teeth” I’ve forgotten me. I’ve lost my sense of self because everyone but myself needs me right now. I wake up, give medications, change into work clothes, go to work, come home and check on them. Get them what they need, help them do anything, and comfort them because all three are going through something terrifying. Whether it’s dying, puberty, or healing. After they are taken care of i either go to my second job, or I go to my room. Lay on my bed, and that’s when it hits. That’s when the numbness comes. When I feel like there is absolutely nothing in me. Not happiness, not sadness, anger, anxiety, gratefulness, joy, or anything you can think of. It’s like purgatory. I’m not in hell but I’m not in heaven. I’m just there. Breathing is the only thing I can always get done for myself. But it feels like I breathe to make sure I’m still here when I hear one of them call for me. I get so lost in the trench I call my thoughts that I’m stuck until I hear “J!” Or I hear A rolling into my room on her wheelchair. Or D needs help on his school work. I help them with a smile on my face, let them know I love them because I do. Then I turn around, I feel the mask come off, and I walk back to my bed. All for it to start again. Now you might be wondering “what about Z?” Yes Z is still here. Z had a job and things were going well, he got fired. We got him another better job with my brother in law. He went for one day. Since that he’s been at home, playing video games. Now I’m not mad he wants to get into the field he wants to be in forever. I’m mad that I don’t see effort, ambition, a drive to be better. I’ve supported him for 4 years. Everyday he promised me that he would make it up to me. I don’t doubt he will, but I doubt it will be soon. And that’s not how I want it to be. I don’t want to be paid back, I don’t want to be spoiled, I don’t want to stay home and cook,clean, take care of everybody and repeat. I do it ALL and I do it all NOW. He does nothing. Why has everything fallen on me? “It’s bc you’re strong enough J.” “You can handle it” “you’re the strongest person I know” while it feels good to hear it, I don’t want to. I don’t want to be strong anymore, I don’t want to be everyone’s saving grace, I don’t want it. I don’t want the responsibility, I don’t want the stress, I don’t want this life. I feel like a different version of myself, a stranger. I feel like the true me has been suppressed and a front has created itself. I don’t crack many jokes anymore, not good ones anyways. I don’t create art anymore, nothing inspires me. I don’t listen to music, I don’t have the time. I don’t watch the same shows anymore, i cant focus when I’m numb. I don’t love myself because I’m not myself.