#I cant even find him annoying anymore i find so pitiful and pathetic i feel so sorry for him

[ywpd-translations]

Ride 706: Kinaka Tsugunao

Pag 1

1: You

2: The “promise” you said you made with those two

3: I'll crash it

4: I can't think of him as “Rokudai the beginner” anymore

Pag 2

4: To be able to keep my victory, I'll have to think of him as “Rokudai”

5: “The wall”!!

Pag 3

1: Kinaka raised his pace!!

He started to pedal seriously!!

Pag 4

1: Bring it on!! Rokudai

2: Teeh!!

Pag 5

2: You kept up!?

3: Okay okay!! Not bad, are you

Nice, Rokudai

You're out of breathm but that was quite something

5: Then, in this case....

6: Let's move on to the next

How about this!!

7: Next!?

8: Tsugunao's deathly

Pag 6

1: Straight road!!*

(*ndT.: he makes a pun here with his name Tsugunao and the word for “straight” which is “massugu” - he says “matsugunao”)

Pag 8

1: My acceleration makes me go straigh ahead!!

The kick from my wild legs makes me climb up any climb as if it's nothing!!

2: The one who saw this during races said that it's like

3: A kick fight among the kings of Australia

Like Kangaroo's legs!!

4: My nickname is “Straigthroo”!!

This is my real....

Pag 9

1: Fight style!!

2: Kinaka accelerated again!!

Ngh, ngh...!!

Rokudai is falling behind!!

3: Kakaka

That's a super impressing acceleration!!

His legs weren't just to show after all!!

4: He's probably betting seriously for the frst time in this race

Pag 10

1: Before the race

2: He was the only one whose eye color was different

Judging from appearances, thick legs are common in sprinters, but not always

He practiced the same amount on climbs too

3: Right now, the one who's dominating the race and controling it to his advantage is

Pag 11

1: Kinaka!!

4: But Rokudai-kun is sticking to him

5: He's slowly getting closer to him!!

6:  Nice....! Nice, Rokudai

That's the spirit....

7: This race....

Pag 12

1: is getting exciting!!

2: Straight-

Pag 13

1: Kinaka is raising his pace again!!

2: -roo!!

Woah.... Rokudai-kun....

3: is falling behind again!!

7: There are....

Pag 14

1: 1.5km left until the peak!!

3: The peak is so close....

1400m left....

4: 1300m!!

Pag 15

2: Since I was little, I've often been picked on

3: My legs were thick

4: My hairstyle was weird

5: I was too nervous

6: Every time I'd get through it smiling, but I still felt horrible and rejected

7: I just wanted to do normal things and spend a fun time with friends normally

8: One day, I saw one of my neighbour fixing a bike

Pag 16

1: That Onii-san asked me if I was interested in bikes

Since he had a small bike he used to ride when he was little, he asked me if I wanted to try riding it and gave it to me

3: It was so fun! On that vehicle that steadily moved forward, my hear danced

4: He cared about me

He pointed at my thick legs

5: Those legs

If you ride a bike, they'll become a weapon

6: and he said so

Pag 17

1: I fell completely in love with bicycles

That Onii-san gave me advices and we even raced against each other

2: “I'll turn them into weapons”, I thought, and I ran

3: But

4: After a year or so

5: Onii-chan moved

6: I thanked him one last time, and

7: When... when I'll go to high school.... I'll work hard to enter a big race

So please, come see it

I told him so

Pag 18

1: Yeah

I'll come see you

He said so, and smiled

3: Onii-san was the only person older than me that didn't make me nervous

5: Rokudai, everyone has a reason why they have to win

This first years' race, and the regulars jersey

Pag 19

1: Are mine!!

2: I'll win!!

3: Definitely!!

4: Chase me, Rokudai

The gap between us isn't closed yet!!

Pag 20

1: What's up, Rokudai!!

You can't do tis anymore!?

2: He's hanging his head!!

It.... it looks like he's having a hard time!!

Even though he worked so hard to keep up until now!!

4: …... no

5: I've been in a similar situation during the race two years ago, so I know

6: I think that Rokudai's eyes

7: aren't dead yet!!

[enigma-im]

Under Pressure

Rating: Mature Relationship: Bigfoot x Female!Human Warning: Established relationship, couples problems, arguing, misunderstanding, fluff, angst

Word count: 3160

a reason couples may fight is because lack of intimacy in a relationship

------------------------------------------------

"I just don’t know what to do, I don’t think he wants me anymore," I grumble near my beer. I don’t bother looking over at my friends, knowing they are giving such pity-filled faces.

"I'm sure that’s not the case," Aria soothes. I rest my cheek on my arm as I regard her.

"But what if it is. I'm really different than his previous taste," I argue, wording things differently. I cant tell them that we are completely different species all together. It’s a fear I've had from the start, we are just so different. What if he is bored of the novelty of bedding a human? Perhaps he is already looking for someone more close to home. The thought is heavy in my stomach, the image is like daggers to my brain.

"Than you are more special than the others cause you don’t match his previous taste," Aria attempts to persuade. It falls flat quickly.

"I think I was more of a 'slumming it' kind of case more than a 'better than the rest' thing," I groan.

"Don’t say that! You are way too pretty to be considered 'slumming it' material. I know you ar-," Aria continues to comfort till Trina interrupts.

"Have you just asked him," Trina asks from beside me. I turn over and watch her finish off her pint. She glances over at me and cocks a brow," It’s the new age, no use overthinking things when you can just ask." I look at her skeptically, it cant be that easy. I don’t think I can bare the answer even if it was. What if bringing it up makes him ponders the situation then likes it. I rather not be the reason he starts looking at me as a waste. God, where has the self-critical nature come from? I use to be so proud and confident, why am I like this now?

'Probably because you boyfriend refuses to touch you' the thought screams in my mind.

I drive home in radio silence, torturing myself with self deprecating thoughts. I have never been like this before, care so much about a man's opinion of me. It probably doesn’t help that he isn't human, no frame of reference to base anything off of. I can pick out signs when my ex's were losing interest, know from a mile away when one was ready to high tail it out of there. With him its different, he is close but distant. He is with me but far away in his head. I park in my driveway and bang my head on the steering wheel.

"Why am I so pathetic," I wince.

I shuffle out of my car and make my way inside. I make it into the dark house wondering if he is upstairs or if he slept at his place again. I really hope he slept here. I walk up the steps, removing my shirt as I do. As I near my room I chuck the clothing inside. I unbutton my pants as I turn the light on, immediately looking to my bed for the familiar lump. I sigh in disappointment.

As I get ready for bed I do my best to not think about it. He has a life outside of me, and that’s fine. I can survive a night without him, its not a big deal.

It still stings when I walk back into the bedroom.

I settle in bed and fail to not let my mind wonder. Where could he be? Is he at his place or is he out and about? Will he be back tonight or will I see him tomorrow?

Fuck, I sound like a teenage girl all over again.

Once I begin to drift I feel the bed dip. So dazed I think nothing of it, just humming when I feel arms wrap around my middle. Being pulled back into a warm strong chest.

I lazily wake the next morning with my cheek resting on his arm, my nose pressed to his shoulder. I suck in a deep breath, taking in his inviting smell. Its enough to make me forget about my woes of last night, snuggling closer to his side. As my knees bump against his he startles awake with a gasp.

"What time is it," he mumbles as he turns on his side. His chest presses against my cheek, his hand settling on my waist.

"Not sure, I don’t work today so I didn’t set my alarm," I answer. He hums as he falls back asleep. He snorts awake again a second later.

"Damn," he grumbles as he lets go of me and shuffles out of bed. I curl up in the comforter and watch him walk out the door. I listen as the front door opens then closes. Where the fuck does he have to be in such a hurry? I turn over and look at the digital clock, 8am. Where the fuck does he have to be at 8 in the damn morning?

I try everything I can to ignore the nagging thoughts. Yet they wiggle their fingers into my brain, threading their devilish thinking into my head. 'he isn't cheating, he isn't cheating, he isn't cheating' I chant. It makes no sense to me, if a man was cheating why would he rush out the house at 8am. Its hardly a logical conclusion but damn if I don’t think it anyway.

"God, I'm terrible," I grumble for the 100th time. I trust him, I do! The dark inkiness of doubt still dribbles into my thinking. He hasn’t touched me in weeks, he isn't around recently, we don’t talk as much, and he rushed out this morning. How am I suppose to not think something bad?

It isn't till nearly sunset does he come back. He enters from the back door like usual and scavengers through the kitchen. I hear the fridge open and him shuffle through items. The tinging and clanking of condiments and drawers.

"You know where the leftover sausage is," he calls out.

"Bottom drawer, green lid," I answer. There is more shuffling till a drawer is closed with finality.

"Great, thanks," he calls back. More noises play about the house as he fixes his meal. I sit on the couch biting my lip. I have to talk to him, do what Trina said and just ask him.

Like a coward I avoid the confrontation," How was your day?"

"Fine, yours was probably more entertaining since you had the day off," he walks into the living room holding a plate. He sits down at the recliner and set his food on the plate. I observe him, having noticed he isn't sitting next to me like he usually does. He shovels the sausages down his throat like an animal. If I wasn’t so moody I would have laughed, even make a joke about it, but here I am. He notices me staring and eyes me confused, "What?"

I watch him for a second longer then turn away," nothing. My day was fine."

"Just fine? Didn’t do anything eventful on your first day off in, what, a month? I cant imagine you didn’t have fun lounging about," he finishes off another meat cord.

"just fine," I answer shortly. I know I'm doing the opposite of what I wanted to do, talk with him. I cant help it, I keep giving him the cold shoulder even though I started the conversation.

Out the corner of my eye I see him watching me," Babe, what's up?"

"Nothing," I lie.

"Babe," he growls. I turn towards him with a fake innocent look and shrug. I look back over to the tv and continue acting like an insolent child. He shifts out the corner of my eye and leans on his knees. He watches me for a moment, perhaps trying to find clues. "What's wrong, I know you aren't fine. Was it work? Did something happen," he tries to pry.

"Nothing happened, I'm fine," I snap at him. I take the chance to glance over him, regretting it when I see his sneer.

"Clearly you aren't fine, what is wrong," he snaps back. We haven't been together that long but this might be our first fight. He has never snapped at me or I him.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I'm fine," I find myself shouting.

He stand from his chair," Stop fucking saying that! I want to know what's wrong so I can fix it!"

I stand with him," Who says you have to fix this? I'm a big girl, I don’t need your help with everything!"

"So you admit you aren't fine since you said there is a problem I don’t need to fix," he points at me.

"No, I wasn’t implying that I wasn't fine. I'm just saying that I'm an independent woman who doesn’t need some man swooping in and saving me," I clarify. This argument is off track, I'm not positive what we are exactly fighting about or what I'm angry with.

"I never said I was swooping in to save you. I just want to hear about your day that seems so bad! Why are you yelling at me," he crosses his arms.

"I'm not yelling," I shout.

"Yes you are," he shouts back.

"Then I'm only yelling because you are!"

"But you started yelling first," he rubs his face," lets start over, I'm losing track of what's happening." he massages his eyes before dropping his hands." Babe," he starts softly," what is wrong?"

"Nothing. Is. Wrong," I growl.

He huffs," Fucking aye! What is wrong?"

"Nothing," I cross my arms.

"what is wrong," he repeats as he steps closer.

"Nothing," I say again as I turn away from him.

"What is wrong," he crowds me to the sofa. I take a step back and fall on the cushions. He takes the chance to frame my head with his arms, resting his hands to the back of the couch. "I will ask you one more time. What is wrong," he says slowly. I glare up at him with a stubborn amount of distaste. I have no idea where its coming from but I hold onto it.

"Not-," he interrupts me with a growl. Instead I twist away from him with my arms folded. I glare down at his arms noticing that even when we are arguing he barely wants to touch me. I sigh as my shoulders sag. I nibble on my cheek as I take in the details of his fur. I find myself reaching out and tracing my finger over them. He jerks his arm back out of reach.

"why wont you touch me," I mumble to myself.

"what," he asks.

I turn towards him with a knot in my throat," why wont you touch me?" he looks startled by my question, his eye wide and mouth parted.

"What," he furrows his brows.

"You heard me," I bite my cheek to keep my voice steady," you have barely touched me all month and you have been out and about all day, coming to bed late almost every night since. The only time you have touched me was at night but even then if I try to start something you turn around and go to sleep. So I'll ask again, why wont you touch me?" he stares down at me dumbfounded for a solid few seconds. It’s a bit annoying watching him look so confused.

"What," he asks again. I growl at his answer and push off the couch, shoving him out of the way.

"Fucking aye, its not a hard question," I fold into myself as I stand on the other side of the room. I rest my back to the wall and watch him just from the corner of my eye. He stands by the couch like an idiot, lost and confused.

"sorry, I'm just a bit caught off guard," he answered dazed.

I scoff," we don’t have sex for about a month and some change and your caught off guard because I wonder why."

"a month and some change," he mumbles to himself," Damn." he rubs his eyes again and looks up to the ceiling.

"Listen, if you don’t want me you can just leave because I rather not be strung along for mont-," I startle when he crosses the room quickly. He interrupts me by grabbing me from the wall and pressing his lips to mine with too much force. His teeth clank against mine and his incisors poke the corner of my mouth a bit too hard. He holds firm, not moving at all as he forces this on me.

He pulls back with a little blood on the edge of lip," I have never stopped wanting you so lets make that very clear right now." I lick at my lips as I stare at him wide eyed. I taste a bit of copper but its not an alarming amount. I cant bring myself to care since he displayed such a convincing argument.

"But," I start," you have been basically avoiding me all week."

"Yes, but its not because I didn’t want you. I was busy dealing with a terror around the neighborhood. Its taken up a lot of my time this week and I've been rather tired," he answers simply.

"A terror," I ask confused.

"yea, some cougar has migrated down the mountain and has been killing the pets around here. I didn’t want it to hurt you so I started hunting it," he clarifies. For a second I'm distracted by the idea of a cougar lurking around the neighborhood.

I get back on subject," Then why did you leave so quickly this morning?"

His lips quirk for a second," I was meeting with an old buddy, she knew what to do with the cougar once I caught it. I promised I'd meet her around 8am, I was a bit late. I figured you would be working so we would wake up because your alarm, I was wrong."

"Ok, but you haven't initiated anything all month. You said the cougar was all week," I counter not really knowing why I feel like winning this argument. Such a bad habit to have.

He has the decency to look sad as he pets up my arm," I'm sorry, I didn’t know that was hurting you. If I knew sooner I would have had you many times by now." he pulls me closer as he settles his hands on my lower back.

"Why haven't you to begin with," I ask with a wilt in my voice. He hums as he pets some hair out of my face.

"You have been so busy with work that I didn’t feel right trying to convince you to fuck me if you were so tired. I want my mate to be happy, even if that means putting off my needs so she gets a full nights rest," he nuzzles along my forehead, humming as he does.

"You thought I was too tired to have sex? Babe, I've been tormenting myself all week because I thought I was losing your interest but you were just being considerate," I scoff as I bang my head to his shoulder. I feel like such an idiot.

"You thought I was losing interest in you? My mate, my love, my sexually frustrated female. I will want you always," he growls with affirmation.

I rub my cheek to him with a self-deprecating sigh," I just thought I lost my appeal, that you might want something closer to home. Your exes are nothing like me." his large hands rub up and down my back as his chest vibrates with a comforting hum.

"Of course you are nothing like them, you are my mate. They weren't, and never will be. You, my love, are one of a kind," he presses little kisses and nibbles to my neck," I don’t think you understand what I mean when I call you my mate. I claimed you that first night, you remember?" I nod," 'No one is taking you away. I will have you always because you are mine,'" he repeats those words that made my skin feel hot. "I wasn’t just blowing snot, when I call you my mate I mean you are my one and only. The love of my life, my shinning star, my best friend, and my lover forever. Do you get that now," he leans back. I look up at his determined eyes and feel even more ridiculous doubting him.

"So a mate is like a wife," I ask still a bit perplexed.

"Best comparison I can think of," he nods. I smile to myself but then think about.

"You declared me as your one and only the first night we met," I snap at him," thinking with you prick before your head again?" he chuckles when I slap his shoulder.

"sometimes we are in agreement," he continues to laugh. This big fucking ape is going to be the death of me and I know it.

"you never asked if I wanted to be mates with you," I scold half-heartedly. At the time, probably would have said no. right now, I'd say yes because I adore this big idiot.

"Why would I have needed to," he leans down and licks my cheek," you were begging for a lot of things that night."

I pop him lightly on the cheek," you are exhausting."

He chuckles along with me," well, I'm about to be more exhausting because I need to make up for lost time." before I could ask he reaches behind my thighs and lifts. I startle, grabbing on to his arms to not fall.

"Babe," I cry as he wraps my legs around himself.

"Yes, love," he quirks a brow with a big smile. He walks us out the room and to the stairs, taking two at a time as he leads us to our room. He rest me down on the bed with care then crawls over me with his imposing size. I cant help but smile up at him, feeling more adored this day than in the past month.

I reach up and cup his face," I'm sorry I didn’t talk to you sooner, also for doubting you."

He turns his face and kisses my palm," it's fine. Just remember that when I do something stupid in the future." I playfully scowl at him.

"You plan on doing something stupid in the future," my lips quirk.

He leans down and presses kisses to my collar," I don’t plan on it, just comes out sometimes." I pap his cheek with an unbelieved smile. This man will be the death of me.

"Alright," I pull him back to look him in the eyes," Now are you going to make sweet love to your ignorant mate?"

He hums with lidded eyes," don’t I always?"

--------------------------

This story was longer than i remember, but i stand by it. I have the biggest issue with writing couples fighting. i never fought in any of my relationships so i don’t know how to go about it. i googled it and some reasons couples fight is lack of intimacy...also unbalance chore duties. so i happened to read a story on how someone thought their partner was cheating but they were just so busy with work. a bunch of google searches later i have this.

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[thelittlehansy]

Some headcanon i have about hans anna relationship both romantic/not romantic  post canon or AU

*there is not specifical context just some random thing if they may interact like anna comes in the southern isles as a politic visit and have to stay longer they have to team up , AU or they just interact.

Hans wants to keep his villain image and show the villainous side of him to anna because he is scared anna will see the true him and realize that he is pathetic , that he sucks at being prince charming but also at being a villain and there is nothing dangerous about him at all he is just the worthless throwaway prince. He dont want her to pity him and is also insecure and think that anna will find silly his hobbies. (Books ,reading, writing)

Hans try impressionate her by showing how a great villain he is anna just want to roll her eyes.

Anna likes to refer hans as her ex boyfriend

Sometimes he cant help to smile when she is not watching him at how cute she is.

Au : hans likes to be the little spoon 😁

Hans enjoy a lot sliding in his socks with anna it actually amuse him a lot and reproduce it at home when his brothers or father didnt watch him.

Maybe this will seems out of character but i pictured hans liking anna funloving personality. I mean he has always know , cold, distant personality so knowing someone like anna really makes him see interaction with people very different and he likes how anna makes everything fun.

He is amazed by how much loved there is inside of her like it really shook him.

Anna find hans extremely comfortable and most importanfly his arms.

They both like to takes charge and therefore clash a lot.

Au : hans dont like having too much kids.

I cant not see this one i really think hans during the movie saw in elsa his brothers in some way and did really have compassion for anna.

Hans is genuinly interest in anna relationship with her sister.

Same anna is very interest by hans relationship with his brothers.

They argue a lot

Anna likes to makes him mad but end up annoyed because its gets a lot of work to makes him mad

Anna find him very smart and view him as some emotional god , like a mentalist  with a radar in his head.

Anna hates hans brothers even more than Hans and is truly horrify by how his brothers treat him. She hates the queen of the southern isles also because she dont understand how as a mother she could let hans deal all alone with all the abuse. The King of the southern isles is mysterious to her she find him sympathic but that because the king is smart.

Anna identify the princes of the southern isles based on their relationship with Hans.

Hans adores annoyed her

When he learn about elsa not ruling anymore arendelle and be in an other place a part of him is sad for anna of how little times she had with her sister.

Anna find hans has a  very punchable face.

She has give him the nickname of jerkyface and hans mrs.sandwchices

Hans like sandwiches but actually hates sharing them.

A part of hans is happy his plan to marry anna finally did not worked. Because once he go back to his home he realized that even as a king his family would not have respect him  and he would not have get rid of them so  this is most likely he would have makes anna endure his brother abusive behavior. And even his worst enemy he would not like him to meet his brothers.

When he learn about queen anna a part of him hoped elsa would not have run away and his plan could have worked so he feel bitter but at the same times he liked the idea if anna as a queen.

A part of anna wonder if Hans is not gay because of the kiss he refuse. 😅

Maybe this one will seems out of character also but i cant see anna as someone resentful or someone happy of others misery. In a frozen heart , anna said that if Hans family is that terrible let him deal with them with what he is the most scared of. So when she realize how terrible they actually are and that she just send Hans to hell she did have some remorse and hope to have put him on a trial to arendelle and jail in arendelle for his crimes not send him back home.

they both   find balls boring (idk if some books contradict it and said if anna actually like balls)

Au : if hans had won he would have makes a absent husband more interest in his job.

Au : if elsa never run away , i have also headcanon that the king of the southern isles would not have approve the marriage and submissive hans would have cancel their wedding.

Hans believe that he is the one that saved anna life Makes Anna happy ending happen and resent her for saying that he hurt and cause her a lot of pain when even he admit it but just think his presence in her life his evil actions brought her her happy ending.

between the two this is anna that like the most alcohol 

Anna find Hans extraordinary with kids( she had see him interact with his niece and nephew)  and it annoyed her because Hans is suppose to be a villain and not have dad potential.

In anna presence hans like to be arrogant and act like a jerk.

in love or hate they are both comfortable with each others presence which lead to

Anna is not scared of Hans.

But Hans sometimes is scared anna is gonna punch him again each time he saw her 😄 so sometimes he just tried to hide or run away.

Hans find anna goergous also

A lot of thing hans said to anna during the coronation night anna didnt remember them well she was too excited and desperate in the moment. ( like his eyes colors , his last name also i headcanon that hans did tell anna his last name.)

They both like to dance

Hans is as clumsy as anna.

Hans didnt really applogize to anna his excuse is that you dont apologize to have try murder to someone.

The day hans apologize to anna he didnt knew what to said to her

I would like to apologize to the princes of arendelle to have hit her with my horse and for every moment after is what he said to anna.

Anna dont miss any opportunities to remind hans about what he did.

Anna talk a lot about her during the coronation night so i pictured Hans knows several stuff about anna. More than we thing 😄 he is also seems to be very very observative and will know all the answer and even more to kristoff questions in the scene in frozen 😄

they both hates sandwiches with seed. ( i put myself in this one i admit XD

in term of seduction/intimated love life Hans is definitely the shy and awkward one and anna the contrary even tought Hans know how to be seducing as we saw in the movie. I cant help imagine anna horny frozen 2 kinda confirm it.😅

This is is absotly not definitive but since i can find any reasons for Hans to not have kiss anna and continue his plans playing the sad fiance and it the end getting everything he wants without revealing himself ..i have the idea of him fearing he actually loved anna and his kiss would have maybe work and since love is not something familar to him it kinda makes sense.

I have also an other headcanon that he didnt kiss her and was so harsh when he has no reasons was because it annoy him that anna kept making his secret plan harder and he relalize when anna go back that she using him as some prince charming fnatasy and in fact didnt like him.

They play jinx jinx again both when they are mad or not at each others.

Au : hans offer anna a lot of gift he had learn that love was something material.

Au : they favorite date is too watch the stars in their socks while finishing each others sandwiches.

Anna when she learn how terrible and abusive his brothers are , like to give him hug even if she still hates him because she cant handle the idea of hans never knew what love is. it anoyed a lot Hans.

Anna sweet , caring behavior annoyed Hans.

Anna all the times repeat wrong hans famous quote and said oh anna if only there was someone who loved you and it annoy Hans that she missed the out there part.

The "thats what brothers do""hans reaction really makes anna wtf , what is wrong with him.

Of course anna dont trust Hans because of their past and is always supscious he is doing something she even spy on him to know what he is comploting.

On the contrary i have headcanon that hans really trust anna and is one of the rare person he trust. Like if he confess about his brothers that night and tell stuff about him she must be very trustworthy.

Hans did have enjoy a lot the night of coronation and had fun.

I m realizing now i have write a book 😄

[just-call-me-johnny-archive]

TW: Suicidal ideation, past suicide attempt mentioned, abusive language, stalking, paranoia, dreamlike body horror, panic attack. Reader discretion is advised.

He's there again. It's night time; they are both out drinking on the balcony. Crickets chirp and turn into a background white noise. His hair is short and blue and whips with the Summer wind. His eyes are still sharp and just barely shadowed as they look over the dewy streets of a sleeping city. 

He hears the other man take another sip of his drink and then take a drag of a cigarette. Johnny is surprised when it doesn't burn the inside of his nostrils like before. 

Despite knowing he had been drinking at some point before this time, Johnny just keeps the bottle in between his legs. Some sort of cherry wine cooler. Fruity pansy mocktail shit, as Edgar so endearingly referred to them as. 

And it's this thought alone that reminds Johnny that he is dreaming, because in his memories- Edgar is never sarcastic or mean. He was funny and a little rude but in a cute way to Nny. 

But to Johnny, he feels a living resentment that he can't show. 

"You know you'll never be good enough for them, right?" He exhales, talking as smoke billows out and he's just blowing off steam on Johnny. His brain is because Edgar is not actually here and there's no way in Hell that Johnny spontaneously decided to pay the apartment a visit. 

Nny or Johnny or whoever he is here, looks over to Edgar and says 'what?' Confused and yet knowing and frightened that he does but dreams are just metaphors and he can't control anything here as usual. Just watch and play pretend and act and wait to awaken safe and far away. 

"Don't act stupid," the man says rolling his eyes harshly and flicking his finger and cigarette towards Johnny. "You know what I'm talking about. You don't think I can't see what you actually dream about? How much you just ache to be that man's little bug. Well I'll tell you now Swallowtail, you're no match for the Joneses over there." 

"I mean, really? You couldn't have picked a worse couple to crush on, Nny. They are not even in the same sport as you, let alone league. Allow me to put it in perspective." 

Vargas puts the cigarette at the corner of his lips and raises his hands a large amount of space apart. 

"You're… discount putt putt in a two-star shopping center. And they are a Super Bowl played and broadcasted on the Moon." 

He laughs and inhales while Johnny's mouth is set in a firm line. Unable to say anything. Unsure what to say because he's right. He is always right and even in a fucking dream he won't let this aware version of the bastard see him cry ever again. 

"Look at you, can't even fucking laugh. I bet Leera can laugh. Bet she has the cutest little laugh that makes your precious Counselor's heart flutter. I also bet you can never do that for him." 

Johnny blinks, looking away, face hot and eyes burning. He will scoop them out he swears he will because there's no consequences here. He can dig that lump in his throat out too and toss it like a little rubber bouncey ball you can get in those coin slots dispensers. 

"Oh wait. No, I lied. You do, but more in a heart attack kind of way. Tell you what, Swallowtail, you sure know how to whore for attention. If you honestly believe that anything they're doing for you is for any other reason than you're a basket case sob story and slash or your sister and her whole goddamn family are royalty and slash or highly powerful people who have Dr. Jack Daniel's by his dick- then you're screwing yourself, my dear." 

Johnny sets a frown and speaks, finding it easier to do than he thought it would be. 

"I do know that." You don't have to keep fucking telling me how worthless I am and how much I'll never fit in with anything or how everyone who loves me does it out of pity or that I'm just kidding myself that anyone actually cares. I know that i fucking know that i cant ever forget you never let me forget. 

His throat burns like the words stuffed down his throat. 

"Good boy," Edgar says, grinning at the glassy eyed look that Johnny has trained on the drink in his grasp, wiping the condensation away with a shaky finger. 

"I am sorry though, Swallowtail. It must be hard knowing that the only worth you have is as slavery towards your homicidal duties. You'll spend the rest of eternity irredeemably worthless with no reprieve of going mad to save you. Every day you'll be stuck with no one but yourself and whoever you may have… recruited in your delusion will be dead. Because see- immortality is a gift that just keeps giving. You'll live long enough to see all of the people who claim to love you in this life, grow old and die away or be gruesomely murdered and take that fragile bordered love with them." 

"So, if I were you- and honestly, no offense, I am very glad I am not- I would just focus on the fleeting moments you have now and stop filling your little head with fantasies of being Jack's boytoy, because darling- may I remind you- any love that you think you feel or care or whatever- is temporary. When they die- it dies. So essentially, my dearest Swallowtail, you'll eventually kill that too." 

Edgar takes another drag and then lets the cigarette fall to the concrete, crushing it with the toes of his dress shoes. "Which- as a recap- is all you're ever going to do." 

He reaches over and pats Johnny's cheek and the man flinches, making a few of the tears he had been holding back fall down his cheeks. 

Vargas then gets up and goes towards the balcony door and Johnny's body spasms a little and he finds himself surrounded by pitch black, and the familiar sounds of the room allow him to quiet his whimpered gasps down. 

His breath levels out as he lets the tears fall as the dream fades away slowly. He still remembers a chunk of it. Enough to bring him back to the practice of making sure his cries are silent and quick and draining because he wants to be heard and held and told they're all lies of an exhausted, overclocked brain, but he knows that it's all true and he shouldn't make a noise because why is he even crying for? That his brain is trying to tell him he has been right all along and he just has to take it and live with it because it's fucking life and he better get used to it. 

He keeps asking himself why he's crying and what good it'll do and not to wake anyone with his noise and he eventually is able to calm down enough to breathe again. 

He feels gross, warm, with his face wet and his throat feeling clogged and his eyes burning. Nobody wants to see that. Wants to see him sniveling and whining about a silly dream when there's so many actual problems to worry about. Like an unborn child and a company and a kingdom and a galaxy of people. So many more important things. 

And it's in that moment where Johnny starts wondering where the surgical scalpels are because he needs to do it for real this time. No fucking up and being found and failing at killing everything but himself. Kill the disease; kill the host. Kill the thoughts kill the noise kill the sadness kill the shame kill the memories kill the desires and and needs. 

Kill the images in his head of being found like this and held and shushed and told everything would be okay because it's never okay and all he has are these stupid fucking fantasies that will never happen and that aren't his to have anymore anyways. And that are useless pictures of window shopping. Of things he can't afford and will never be worthy of. 

And he physically has to hold on to the blanket to stop himself from getting up right now, walking down that hall, and just throwing himself out into the vastness of space.

 It hasn't been this bad in a while and he thinks about Dr. Ruxill's voice talking about therapy. And he wonders how that would go for him talking about things he can barely handle himself. About memories he only just started recovering over the past two years. And then he thinks of losing his last breath to the stars and how he won't have to talk ever again. 

And he continues this over and over and over until the lights come back on and the nurse comes in and he can't be roused to give his arm for more medicine. He's curled in tight to himself and he's aware and awake but mute and non-compliant. And after a while of coaxing and no response or surrender they give up and call in reinforcements. 

And then Counselor comes in with his soft voice and common sense and rationality and Johnny can't handle any of that especially and so he pulls the blankets over his head and doesn't leave that position until he senses the lights are turned off and his room is vacant and the staff are being briefed not to enter his room unless it's an emergency. 

Breakfast is brought in without a word and then lunch and when dinner rolls around Johnny's everything hurts so bad that he has to at least eat a small piece of bread to shut up the annoying gnawing in his gut. 

After a while, Johnny hears the violin come in through the vents. And it sounds like how he feels and despite all the numbness and walls and impassivity he has put up today he crumbles there in the bed, sobbing openly into the blazer he has under his sheets. He whispers things to it and himself that he would never say in out loud. Tells it his dirty little secrets and fears and just like the owner it listens without judgment. The violin in the air covers it all protectively, keeping Johnny's words between himself and the blazer he's wrinkling in his shaky, desperate grasp. 

I want i want i want… he tells the jacket's silky interior. Spills it all and lets the words sink in like the saliva on his lips leaving a dark patch on the material he has pressed against them. 

He seals the confession with a kiss, feeling childish and pathetic, but Johnny presses his face and forehead into the cool silk and it tells him he's not. 

Johnny lays on his side again, hugging the thick blazer close to his chest. He curls into it, seeking and finding warmth as he begins to drift halfway through a sound change. The tone becomes timid, questioning, and curious now. Nothing like the confident, heavy, slow, and morose chords from before. 

An experiment. In music and in coping with the inevitable. 

Johnny's sleep is dreamless this time, and he holds the blazer the whole night through rather than wearing it. 

[zhuhongs]

please let the read more work if not im so sorry. also if u read this just dont message me pls i am Fine i just need to say things and i forgot my peach password that i made in like 2016 akjfdf

IVE been SO FUCKING ANNOYED for MONTHS about this whole situation im so fucking MAD and i was keeping it under wraps and in check or so i thought but i’ve been so fucking short with everyone and everything bc of my current living situation and im so bothered by EVERYTHING. god. Like i hate that my mom and I can only afford to live in this fucking garage and that i got the chance to finally fucking leave it was ruined by covid and i just want to leave. I want to be elsewhere. This is all my fucking fathers fault and i’ll never forgive that bastard for all of this and everything thats ever happened in my fucking life and how i see him in everything. HE just lives in my head and in my trauma rent fucking free and it feels like the only ppl who truly get it are ppl who have had abusive families themselves so i keep saying things and talking abt my trauma and rlly no one outside of like 3 ppl i know irl rlly get it. And im not comfortable talking abt it with anyone here so pls dont message me i just need to call my brother so we can both vent and im so fucking mad. I see him everywhere. I see him in my one shift lead, i saw him in the passerby, i see him in characters  i like in media. hes EVERYWHERE. he wont leave me. i mean he has been gone for a while and thank god but i can’t shake his influence. And i dont think its bc of him but everything goes back to him. everything. I want to be gone. I deserve to be living elsewhere and happy, i do!! i dont think i do bc i hate myself  and everything related to this cursed blood but the greatest act of rebellion is proving him and this blood wrong and i want to leave. I just JKL:GHJFDfsa’ WHY CANT I FUCKING BE AT PEACE... im losing my fucking mind. I pretend its all ok and that im over my ptsd and my gad and my other issues or whatever the fuck im diagnosed with and never got treatment for but i hate meds and therapy so rlly its on me and im usually just FINE. i keep it under wraps so well but the second it starts to slip it slips and i get defensive and mad abt literally anything. God i’m a fucking adult, i can’t just get mad at little things so easily. im an adult. im better than this. im usually so unreadable. everyone irl tells me how they dont know shit abt me even tho i overshare and they dont rlly know me and good!! thats how i fucking want to keep it bc otherwise you’ll misunderstand. you will. you wont fucking get it and thats fine!! thats the point bc its a lot. I’m meant to understand others and not the other way around and thats for the best bc thats how i was raised. and i want to tell ppl whats wrong but i always mess up. i say too much and i make things awkwards and hard bc i dont want pity or a reaction or comfort. I just want someone to know and not say anything. Just know the context for why i am the way i am but it doesn’t fucking work that way. and i hate it but im a reasonable person so i cant just ignore that. and i know no one is obligated to care abt me, much like there are ppl i rlly dont care for and it be like that!! its just how it is but why am i so unreasonably upset abt these things so easily. its so unreasonable. i cant reconcile the parts of myself so easily. I want to overshare and be messy and unapologetic abt it but i want to be liked and loved by everyone but i also know that its cowardly and pathetic to never step on toes and i need to speak out more but i know also not to run my mouth so easily bc it leads to useless discord and im gonna fucking drive myself to an early death by the amt of overthinking i do and im jsut hhhhhh i dont know. i dont know who i am. those girls at my uni said it best. “we don’t rlly know anything about you, sage. You’re kind of a mytery. You’re always hear and listen to us and are nice but we rlly don’t know anything abt you rlly and we’re kinda scared to ask.” like damn.. call out.. okay. i mean.. i also don’t know myself. im just a fake. a collection of trauma and bad habits with some humor and other things i wear as a mask. idk anymore. im just mad i wasn’t able to make the escape that i was betting on and now im forced to be stuck in this garage and face myself alone every day. its sickening. i can’t accept myself as is. i can’t. i don’t know what to do. but i also don’t want an answer. its all on me that i feel this way. its all my fault and ik that so i guess i’m just gonna have to deal with it until i find a way to help myself. ik running away won’t work but i at least want to try it. oh well.

[kellykadesperate]

40 and 41 please?

“I’m still not over you” 

“This can’t be the end”

Robert says it on stage, in front of everyone, he announces that he’s leaving the band and the crowd goes wild. Not in a good way. They lose it so badly that Robert has to be dragged off by Pete and although he’s only their bodyguard, he acts like he’s rescuing him from a fire or something. 

“You’re fuckin’ brave.” Pete’s saying, hands flying about a bit as he pulls Robert into the green room. “Announcing it there and then.”

Robert just stands in the middle of the room, unhooking the guitar from his side and Aaron can’t breathe. He just stands in the corner of the room and shudders as Robert looks towards Holly and Ross. 

“It didn’t know how to say it.” Robert shrugs. “It was easier doing it that way.” 

He speaks like he’s genuinely done them all a favour and Aaron shakes his head at him in pure disbelief. He just doesn’t understand it, he doesn’t even want to. 

“Oh yeah, finding out with all those screaming teenagers was exactly what we all were after.” Ross chucks a drum stick at Robert’s head and he cowers a little before gulping hard.

“So you just weren’t planning on telling us, you were just going to leave?”

Robert goes to speak but his eyes catch sight of Aaron and he wavers. He buckles and Aaron lets him squirm. He lets Robert see just how fucking hurt he is. He lets him see the tears in his eyes. 

“I’m sorry. Okay?” Robert sounds fed up already, like he has the right to be annoyed by the questions, like he isn’t leaving them. Aaron keeps staring hard at him until Ross asks what he thinks about all of this.

“It’s done. It’s - he’s made his mind up already.” Aaron says, deflated, like someone’s just bursted this giant balloon and he’s just got to let it go. He hangs his head and slams his dressing room door shut with this mighty thud.

And yeah, he’s sitting there like a kid going through the photos on his phone and looking at him and Robert.

They had met when they were only kids, they were stupid and stubborn and parted ways when Robert went off to university. And somehow they fell back together, became mates instead of enemies and then - 

The door goes and Aaron keeps his head down because he already who it is.

It’s always him.

“Aaron.” Robert says, and Aaron sees him looking at him through the mirror. He can’t run now, he has to sit here and hear what Robert has to say. “I didn’t know how to say it.”

Aaron scoffs, “To my face.��� He says bitterly. “Alone. Maybe back here like we’re used to.” He looks up and Robert  has his head down. He almost like he’s ashamed of himself and maybe he is, maybe he’s ashamed of them. “Was it because of us?”

And us means whatever they call the fact that they’re usually having sex by now and it’s somehow still a secret. It’s been a secret for over a year now.

Aaron still remembers when Robert first kissed him. Slow and steady and then everything all at once. Just like everything else when it comes to the two of them. 

Robert blinks a few times like he’s trying to come up with something to say and Aaron decides he can’t hear it. He tries to get to the door only Robert holds back and he can’t fight against him.

“She knows.” It’s all Robert manages to say, his throat is hoarse and it’s enough to make Aaron’s eyes flicker with concern. He’s got tears in his eyes and it’s usually Aaron’s job to get emotional. “She knows Aaron.”

He doesn’t even have to say her name. 

Because keeping things secret isn’t only for the sake of the band is it? It’s because Robert has a girlfriend. 

And apparently she knows.

“What do you mean -“

Robert keeps his head down, but he brings a hand up towards Aaron’s waist and then drops it again like he has to keep reminding himself to stop. 

“Chrissie knows.” Robert says, “She read the texts and she fucking knows Aaron. It’s why -“

Aaron’s eyes roll back suddenly and he understands. He gets what he’s saying. “She’s making you leave the band ‘cause of us?”

He’s only met Chrissie a handful of times, she’s all glossy hair and clear nails and everything that Aaron can never be. He gets that. He’s accepted the fact that Robert and him crashed together countless times and they’re not supposed to, it’s not fair on her but this isn’t fair on them either.

It’s not fair on Robert, and it’s not right and Aaron wants to do everything he can to stop it but Robert seems to have accepted it already.

“Her dad’s the one that signed us, do you remember that?” Robert raises his head, big green eyes and Aaron hates them. He hates the fact that they have his potential to be pretty fucking normal and content if they want to be but Robert crawls back to her each time doesn’t he?

Since the beginning. Since the first time they were holding each other’s jackets and flying into walls and giving in to exactly what they felt. They were fucking the fact that strictly they weren’t supposed to be doing this at all.

And now Robert is ruining it all. 

“So you dance to her tune?” Aaron whispers, “After everything?” He has a hand over his face as Robert stares at him.

“I don’t have a choice.”

But it’s code.

“Everyone has a choice.” Aaron’s shouting now, eyes wide and this anger building up inside of him. “Rob, we’ve worked for this. We’ve built up -“

“I have to think about that. I have to think about our careers, not just what you feel!”

Aaron realises what he’s doing, he realises exactly what he’s fucking doing. He’s making out as if he’s the one who initiated all of this, chases after Robert when it wasn’t that way around at all.

They both know that. It was Robert, it was Robert after that first gig. It was Robert always, it was always -

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry -“

“You don’t get to say *that.” Aaron says, and he pushes at Robert’s chest over and over again. He’s fucking frustrated. He wants him to say. He wants Chrissie to fuck right off. He doesn’t know how to breathe until Robert is holding his face and Aaron kisses him when he’s meant to push him away. “Rob -“ His voice breaks a little, he can’t control it as he moves away from him and tries to stop his chin from wobbling.

They’ve not kissed like that before. It’s been quick and hasty and usually booze induced, not soft, not desperate.

“I have to go.” Robert says heavily. “Chrissie’s waiting for me.”

“Don’t.” Aaron reaches a hand out, sees the kid he knew, sees a mate, sees someone he wants to stay. They’ve danced around everything for too long and he wants it to be them this time. “You’re - you’re too fucking talented to just give it all away.”

“She’s setting me up with something else.” Robert whispers, “She said -“

“She forgives ya?” Aaron frowns, eyes filling with tears because he doesn’t know how to stop how awful he feels. “She’s tryna control ya Rob.” 

And Aaron wants to set him free. He’s learning that he doesn’t have the right, pretty fast.

“Aaron, I have to -“

“This - this cant be the end?” Aaron says it like a question, he’s begging Robert to tell him it isn’t. He’s begging him to man the fuck up, own whatever he feels, tell Chrissie she can’t control him like this.

But Robert closes his eyes instead. “I never meant to hurt you.”

“You’re hurting yourself as well. You’re hurting the band and - and -“

“I’m tryna keep everything together. I’m tryna -“

Aaron has tears in his eyes that fall and he roughly pushes them away. “You’re lost. You’re a coward.” He dares to say the truth and Robert has to look away doesn’t he? 

“Yeah? Well you should be pleased you don’t have to deal with me anymore then.” 

••

The announcement of Robert leaving the band naturally sends Twitter into a shit storm and Aaron can’t avoid it even if he wanted to.

Like Ross and Holly though, he declines to comment and pretends like his heart is breaking by writing songs and pretending they’re not about him. 

It’s pathetic and he hates himself for spending so much time thinking about him. But he misses him, because before they were jumping into bed over and over again, they were mates. They got on, they teased each other and laughed their heads off when everyone assumed Holly and Ross were romantically involved and not cousins. 

They were everything once, before and after Chrissie came along. But now that’s over, now Robert is off doing his own thing and they all have to try to pick themselves up like he didn’t exist.

Like he didn’t have a skill and a talent that they all craved. It was why Aaron didn’t like him much as kids, he was pure talent and Aaron was besotted with it in this jealous way. 

“Forget him.” His mum doesn’t know a bloody thing so he doesn’t expect her to have much of an opinion. “He was always flighty, you don’t need the hassle.” He wants to accept what she’s saying, he wants to say that he agrees but he doesn’t. 

And the feeling only grows. He only becomes more recluse and fucking angry about the fact that Robert’s gone and he’s stuck in this awful way when he only wants him to come back. It lasts up until the first gig without him. 

Ross is covering lead now with Holly and Aaron’s not only on base anymore. The crowds are even bigger than they were before and he supposes it’s a good thing but he can’t bring himself to smile about it.

“See you out there man.” Ross slams a hand down on his shoulder and shakes him a little before he disappears and Aaron’s alone in his dressing room.

“You not joining them?” He hears a voice and suspects who it is straight away, he raises his head and Robert’s standing there. 

He’s got a beaten old leather jacket on and a pair of jeans. He looks like he’s crashed down to earth or something and Aaron doesn’t know how to breathe. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“I wanted to see you, the band. I wanted to -“

“We don’t need your pity.” Aaron offers a scowl and nothing more and Robert’s eyes begin to flicker as he frowns. “So you can do one.”

“It’s not - not about pity.” Robert looks like he’s going to start crying. Aaron looks away. “Aaron, I wanted to tell you that -“

Aaron cuts him off again naturally, because he just looks at Robert and wants to snog his face off and he can’t be around him until the feeling is gone. He tries to get passed and then Robert goes and says what he says. 

“I’m still not over you.” Robert offers, it trips out, falls over them both and his chin wobbles. “I still want you. Everything’s had to change but that hasn’t.”

Aaron turns slowly, he can hear the crowd roaring outside and there’s tears prickling his eyes as his back hits the door. “You can’t say stuff like that.”

“I meant it.” Robert moves closer. “I want you. We can work this out -“

“What? Lie and sneak around?” He’s done with it, he’s done pretending that this is just sex, the thrill, the high of performing together. It’s more than that. It always has been for him. 

Robert sighs. “You don’t have to say it like that.” He says, hands waving a little. “I’m trying here Aaron.” He looks frustrated, like he expected Aaron to fall at his feet or something.

“To what? Have the best of both worlds?” Aaron has a hand on the door handle, everything is screaming at him to turn it, to go but Robert has a hand on his chest. 

“Have you.” Robert shakes his head. “It’s all a mess but I - I want ya.” He blinks against the way Aaron’s breathing. “I just -“

Aaron pulls away, he has the strength to do that. “I’m not enough for you. Chrissie, she’ll always have this hold over you and it’s not ‘cause you’re scared about what people will think, it’s ‘cause you - you want what she offers.”

Robert doesn’t deny it. He doesn’t say anything but Aaron doesn’t need to have it confirmed. He’s been photographed kissing Aaron once, back in the day, he was nervous but everyone already knew he swung both ways and it was cheered about. It’s Chrissie. It’s the money that’s stopping this.

“Bye Robert.” Aaron swings the door shut, follows a guard towards the stage and acts as if he hasn’t just broken things off once again with a bloke he isn’t even seeing. It drums through him over and over again until they’re finishing up the last song and he sees Robert’s face in the crowd.

It’s like he’s teasing him and he wants to tell him to get lost, to go have this amazing career, to leave them all alone but he doesn’t have the strength. He doesn’t say anything until -

“What’s he doing?” Ross shouts over the drums, and Holly’s still singing like she’s some professional but Robert’s charging through the crowd and pulling himself up on the stage like he can.

“You’re - you’re mental. Robert get -“

Large hands are suddenly around Aaron’s face and the crowd are screaming their heads off.

“I choose you over her any day of the week.” Robert’s hair is all floppy and unkept and Aaron’s eyes flutter. He goes to speak but Robert decides to kiss him instead.

He kisses him and the place loses it, Ross starts cheering like he’s at a football match and -

Robert’s really kissing him in front of everyone and not giving a toss.

He pulls away to breathe and Aaron’s eyes open slowly. “You didn’t have to -“

“I came here to tell you. I left her. I - the band might go under but -“

Aaron kisses him and it all starts up again, and the lights go down before any screaming fans can take pictures. It’s already too late, it’ll be all over the magazines tomorrow. They both know it.

“You chose me.” Aaron makes small circles into Robert’s waist and he won’t stop smiling. Even when Ross passes them, pretends to be vomiting. “I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything.” Robert says softly. “Just kiss me again and we can think about all the rest later yeah?”

And Aaron does just that.

[moonlitsongbird]

i feel trapped again...wondering why im even here, why i still stay attached, and why i even bother trying. i feel like some of my friends no longer care, im not a thought in their head, just a used to be friend, someone they only thought about when i was there and convenient for them to think about, someone they could use to have fun with, and honestly thats great and all and i dont want to dump my problems on anyone else but i cant help but feel that i alone here, struggling to make it through and pretending at the least that things are getting better when each day is actually harder to bear. im so pathetic and its gross how self pitying i am so please dont continue reading if youre starting to find me annoying and weak. im sorry im not the person everyone thinks i am... i wish i could be stonger and fight more and that is one of my biggest insecurities: being so weak that ill fail to realize my dreams and lose everything i love in life, ending up alone with just pity. i dont want your pity or anyone elses pity. i just need more people in my life who care about me and not what i offer them. i want to be more real and more present in my daily life and treat people with love but im so scared of being hurt now, opening up, of letting those in and watching them drift away. im tired of losing friends again and again even if i know its normal...im just starting to think its my fault again and if anything i know i dont have a defense for running away. part of it is my life pulling me in different directions and the other part is me not feeling like im invited these days so i stop going and stop asking. i guess one can ask where is God in my life and honestly, i dont know. i know He’s here and that im not technically alone but im not sure how to listen anymore. its like since the silence seeped into my head i stopped being able to hear Him, stopped thinking of Him even when i need Him the most. if anything i need prayers and just people who are genuine with me, who even if they dont understand me, will not judge me or stop caring. but in the end is this just a selfish wish because im not willing to open up yet i ask for love?