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myselfinserts · 4 years ago

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“Stop talking. I will win.”

L sat quietly on couch, flipping through all the evidence with a calm mind. Today was the final day of the trial. She knew who the true culprit was. And their key witness was on her way over in the safety of her partner’s embrace. She knew she’d win this case. She just had to remain calm, composed, and confident.

Her client, however, was far less calm. Pacing back and forth. Tugging at his sleeves. Shaking. She expected as much. L had seen first hand how the court reacted to seeing the defendant.

Needless to say, looks could be deceiving.

“Ceri, relax,” she soothed. “It’ll be okay.”

“I know,” Ceri said, voice tight with worry. “I know you will. I trust you. I just...”

She motioned for him to sit down, giving him a gentle pat on the shoulder as she closed the files. “We have this. Your alibi is airtight now. And the other witness will have their testimony torn apart.”

Ceri clenched his fists tightly, trying to stop from crying. “I believe in you. I just...I just can’t stop worrying. If I end up with a guilty verdict I...I know I probably won’t be the one hurt most by it.”

L knew all too well what he meant. Ceri wasn’t a murderer. But if anyone else were put on the case, it would be almost certain that Ceri Aylward would be found guilty. But being behind bars wasn’t what he was afraid of. No, what Ceri was terrified of was how this would affect his husband. No doubt he was worried how this would affect his husband’s reputation. How that’d tie into the reputation of the Atelier. More importantly though, Ceri was absolutely panicking over how Étienne would feel having a convicted criminal as a husband. She could practically hear the voices in the pub owner’s head.

He’s probably thinking something a little cheesy like, ‘This case is going to ruin him. It’s all my fault. He’ll never forgive me for this. I’m innocent, but...if in the end...dammit....Please don’t let this hurt his work. Please. Please, don’t let this hurt his heart. His beautiful, beautiful heart.‘ Something like that.

But L knew better. If Ceri’s fears were in any way possibly true, Étienne wouldn’t have asked her to take this case to begin with. If there was anything certain in this world, it was that he cared very deeply for Ceri and would do whatever it took to help him.

“H-hey, L,” Ceri stammered. “If...if something happens. Promise me that-”

“Stop talking,” L interrupting. “I will win. We will win your freedom. So stop talking like we already lost.” She noticed the way he tensed at that, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. “Listen. I know you have a bad habit of preparing for the worst. And understandably so. But I wouldn’t have taken you on if I wasn’t certain I could prove your innocence. And if I couldn’t do it, I’d have fought until I found someone who could.” She smiled as he started to relax again. “But...if it will make you feel a little better, I’ll hear out what you want me to promise you.”

Ceri nodded, taking a deep breath. “If...if something happens. Even when we win the case...if something happens to me, please...look after Étienne for me. I can’t...” his hands began to shake. “I can’t see this through without knowing for sure that he won’t be left alone should worst come to worst.”

L nodded, pulling him into a tight hug. “Always, Ceri. You know I would never abandon him.”

“I know,” Ceri said, managing a smile. “I just...I needed to hear it.”

“Sometimes hearing it said is the best medicine.” L looked up as the door opened, a bright and cheerful Phoenix walking in with a basket covered with a soft, teal blanket on one arm, and a giant case on the other. “Got the witness?”

“Yes I do!” Phoenix declared, holding up the basked.

“Great. Trial reconvenes in two minutes.”

“Then let’s get to it!”

The entire court was filled with whispers. As Phoenix finished laying out all the buttons on the floor, L carried the basked to the witness stand and set it down right in front of it. Prosecutor McMiller was gobsmacked. Staring like a drowning trout as a little golden cat let out a soft yawn before crawling out of her bed.

“And done,” Phoenix said, heading back to the defense’s side.

“Perfect.” L looked up at the judge. “The witness is ready, your honor.”

“Hold it!” Mary looked up at the judge, seething in anger. “Your Honor, this cannot possibly be allowed!”

“On the contrary,” L argued, returning to Phoenix’s side. “This is a key witness in confirming the defendant’s claim of being home at the time of the murder. We do have evidence to support her testimony, but it would be best to hear it from her first, don’t you agree?”

The judge raised an eyebrow, but nodded in agreement. "Very well. Witness, please state your name for the record."

Honey gave a soft mew before running between the buttons on the floor, pressing every single one as fast as she could. The buttons gave out a gravelly, monotone sound.

"A-M-B-E-R-A-L-L-A-R-D. I-A-M-S-M-A-L-L-A-N-D-C-U-T-E."

"Amazing," the judge gasped. "Such an incredibly smart cat."

"Her caretakers are very proud of her intelligence, your honor," L agreed.

Honey ran over to one of the full response buttons and pressed it. "I am good kitty."

“Yes you are,” the judge agreed. “Now, Miss Allard. Please give us your testimony. Be as precise as you can with those little buttons of yours.”

Honey continued on with a nod, pressing the buttons diligently at breakneck speed.

“Ceri. Welcome home. 5 I-N-E-V-E-N-I-N-G. Food. Food. Ceri. M-A-K-E. Food. Shrimpies. 6, 2, 0. Shrimpies. A-M-B-E-R-L-O-V-E Shrimpies. Food P-H-O-T-O-T-O Papa. I am good kitty. Food. Bath. Bath. 7, 3, 0. N-E-E-D-E-D Bath. R-E-A-D-F-O-R-A-M-B-E-R-A-T 8. Bed. Bed. Bed A-T 9, 1, 5. I am good kitty. Ceri. I love you.”

With a nod and a gentle ‘aw’ from the audience, L watched as Honey curled back into her basked, looking very pleased with herself. “As you can see, Miss Allard’s testimony lines up with the defendant’s claims.”

“Hold it!” Mary slammed her hands on the prosecutor’s bench. “You mean to tell me that incoherent mess is a testimony.”

The judge gave her a hard look. “Miss McMiller. You were the one who convinced me to give the defense a chance to find evidence and a witness. And her testimony made perfect sense. Please wait for your chance to cross-examine the witness.”

“I-i suppose I did, but. But still. Your Honor that was a jumbled mess-”

“As you can see,” L continued. “On the day of the murder, which took place around 7:30 in the evening, Ceri Aylward had been home having dinner and tending to his husband’s beloved Amber.” She proceeded to the evidence table, laying out photos to be shown to the court. “As you can see from these photos taken of the victim’s home for this trial, leftover shrimp scampi had been found in the defendant’s fridge on day one of investigation. The book in question, ‘Feline Theater: Locked Heart’s Lament’, can be found in the living room on the coffee table near the cat’s down-stair’s bed.”

Phoenix let out a chuckle. “There you have it, everyone. Ceri couldn’t possibly have been the killer.”

“Objection, Your Honor,” Mary interjected. “How do we know that the defense didn’t train this cat before hand to commit perjury? Or that the defendant's spouse didn’t train her to lie about the case?”

L held a steady gaze on her, making sure to catch Mary’s reflection in her mask. “Monseuir Allard has been out of the country for the last month for business. We have a copy of his phone logs and airline tickets showing he’s away which he willingly handed over when investigators contacted him. Also, as the defendant has been in custody and my partner and I haven’t been able to tend to the cat post-arrest, she’s been staying a one of the local cat hotels during the case, and her buttons were at home during that time, both only just recovered within the past hour.” She laid out photographs of text messages between Ceri and Étienne, with pictures of the witness and defendant included. “Just look. There’s photographic evidence of the witness being in the same place as Mr. Aylward, all timestamped around the same time as Miss Amber Allard stated. Only off by approximately one minute or so. The 7:30 timestamp clearly shows the witness covered in what appears to be spices and sauce, beside the bathtub, in this selfie with the defendant.”

Ceri stifled a chuckle. “She had landed on my plate trying to get more food. This pretty kitty sure does loves shrimp.”

“Objection overruled, McMiller” the judge ruled. “Though I do admire your attempt to accuse a cat of...purr-jury. Do you wish to cross-examine the witness?”

Mary stammered looking between the judge, the defense, and the cat frantically before sighing in defeat. “There...doesn’t seem to be any issues with her testimony. Prosecution rests, your Honor.”

L smiled sweetly, going over and collecting the basket, handing it over to Ceri as Phoenix retrieved the buttons. “Your Honor, the defense asserts that given the evidence, and an accurate eye witness account, our client Ceri Aylward could not have possibly murdered Smokey Carts. We wish to have Ross Carts come back for further questioning.”

The judge nodded understandingly. “Court will adjourn for thirty minutes while Mr. Carts is brought back in. I suggest both parties prepare for this properly.”

Ceri was holding Honey close, giving her loving pets and kisses while cooing softly. “Such a good kitty. Such a beautiful, wonderful lady. Papa’s gonna be so proud of you. So brave.”

“Don’t relax yet,” Phoenix chided. “We still need to crack the Carts.”

“Though it shouldn’t be too much of a problem,” L assured. “We have everything needed to convict him.” She shook her head. “Seriously. Brothers up in arms over a property war for a jewelry store and just happened to both be regulars at the SF. What are the odds?”

“With my luck?” Ceri laughed. “About as high as skyscraper. Though less likely than Étienne running through that door-”

SLAM!

Everyone jumped. Honey immediately went to defensive mode, only to relax a moment later and begin purring loudly. Standing in the doorway in a long black coat, dark teal scarf haphazardly hung on his shoulders, and panting heavily, was the one and only Étienne Allard.

Ceri set Honey in the basket, slowly getting to his feet. “Love? Is...is it really-”

“Finally managed to wrap up work,” Étienne gasped, trying to regain some air. “Got on the first flight out and just landed not long ago. Half the damn elevators in this fucking building are down for repair. Why the hell is this room on the top floor? Never mind. Did I miss the-”

Before he could finish, Ceri ran over to him and wrapped his arms tightly around his husband’s shoulders, nearly knocking him to the floor. The guards were almost ready to chase him, had Phoenix not motioned for them to stop. Étienne returned the embrace, lightly rocking and stepping a little more into the room so the doors could close.

“I’m so sorry, love,” Ceri cried, tears falling freely now. “I didn’t do it, I swear. I didn’t. I tried to play it safe. I swear I never meant for-”

“Sshh. Ça ira, mon Ceri.” Étienne pressed a kiss to his cheek. “I know you’re innocent. It’s going to be fine. Okay?”

Ceri nodded. “I know.”

Honey hopped out of the basked and ran over, quickly crawling up to Étienne ‘s shoulders and lightly nuzzling into the hug. Étienne looked at her in shock. “Honey,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

L giggled fondly. “Her testimony just saved your husband’s ass. We’re getting the actual culprit back in to crack him.” She looked over at Phoenix, taking her hand and snuggling up close to her. “You want the honor?”

Phoenix giggled, wrapping her arms around L’s shoulders. “Don’t mind if I do.”

“Hey, it wouldn’t be fair if I only got to rip Mary a new one.”

Étienne looked at them, trying to suppress the scowl working its way onto his face. “McMiller...I wasn’t aware she was prosecuting this case.” He looked to Ceri, his expression softening. “She didn’t try anything, did she?”

“Usual tricks,” Ceri muttered, exhausted from stress and tears. “But damn, Team Ashes sure have been on top of things.” He pressed their foreheads together, letting out a sigh. “Once this is over, can we finally take that vacation? I need at least a week of not leaving your side.”

“I think that can be arranged.”

Phoenix and L looked at each other, nodding in silent agreement.

After this case, they were taking a vacation too.

“And that’s where we’re stopping for the night.” Phoenix bit back a laugh at the whines coming from the children. Had it not been for the case they had in the morning, she’d have gladly continued on with the tale. It was one of her finer moments after all. But it was already eleven, and the kids had school as well.

“Come on, Autie Phoenix!” Ena begged. “Just a few more minutes.”

“Yeah!” Kasumi agreed. “We wanna hear how you chewed out that Carts guy!”

“How about this,” Phoenix offered, kissing them both on the head. “You sleep, and I’ll tell you all about it after dinner tomorrow. Then you can also hear about this case we’re currently doing.”

The twins looked at each other before turning back to her, speaking in unison. “You promise?”

“I promise.”

“Okay. Good night, Auntie.”

The girls curled up in their beds and closed their eyes. Phoenix made sure they were secure, tucking them in and turning out the light. Once the door was closed, she quietly made her way to the main office. Unsurprisingly, L was still at the desk looking over the case files, while Aizawa and Nemuri had passed out on the couch. Aizawa had a noticeable bruise on his cheek.

“Something happen during my kids day?” she asked, taking a seat beside her partner.

“Mhm,” L replied. “Shouta got hurt dealing with a potential witness. Nemuri was running all over trying to get papers. Yamada’s still out gathering intel off the streets.”

“I see.” Phoenix wrapped an arm around her, burying her face in L’s long, soft hair. “Want me to make you some tea? Looks like we’ll be at this a while.”

L shook her head slightly. “No thank you. But...could you stay right there? It’s pretty chilly in here.”

Phoenix smiled, pressing a kiss to her temple. “Of course.”

#myselfinserts #mybnhaocs #friends ocs #class of aus: attorney aces au #it started with a cat drabble and ended on me wanting soft gay moments and bedtime stories #Ashes to Ashes Agency kept screaming at me okay?#Anonymous

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forestwater87 · 8 years ago

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CULT CAMP MASTERPOST PT 2: NOT SURE I’M USING THE WORD “MASTERPOST” RIGHT

Heyyyyy I have more to talk about! Again, spoilers for Camp Camp Season 2 Episode 1 (”Cult Camp”) below the cut, click at your own risk, etc.

When last I left off, we’d just said farewell to my favorite character (because I have a problem and it’s an intense love of grumpy grumps). And it was really sad for me, because I’m out of Gwenfaces.

But you know who we have instead? We have David. Actually, we have Davids. And that’s enough to warm even my withered Gwen-loving heart.

I mean look at this little fella! It’s impossible not to love him.

And he’s already begun manhandling the new counselor. Bless.

All right, kids. This is a mistake. No steak or shrimp is worth $5. I promise. As the lovely McElroys would say, that kinda deal is “extremely affordable in the monetary sense, but . . .”

Don’t do it. Choose life. Choose appropriately-priced entrees.

That is the face David makes when Daniel (the not-David) criticizes a camper’s language for the first time. That is a look that says “holy moly, I think I’m in love.”

Told ya. David’s bromantic crush on Daniel is actually one of the cutest things in a show just chock-full of cute things.

David isn’t winking at you, I’m sorry. But wouldn’t it be nice if he were?

(Listen, nobody came here for good commentary. You’re here for screenshots and screaming. That’s what you’re getting.)

Shoutout to the animators; this season is already more stylized and has much more complicated and engaging animation than the first,* and we’ll see way more evidence of that later in the episode, but it’s also obvious in little things. Like how that’s David’s face but it’s wrong in a way I can’t identify (beyond, y’know, the weird Exorcist head-tilt he’s got going on). He’s just different enough to be unsettling, just enough that we know it’s not just David with a new palette. And that’s awesome.

*I know nothing about art or animation, and those words might not mean what I think they mean. I’m just saying it’s prettier than last season, okay?

David’s so disappointed in his campers (read: Max). And his disappointment is cute. That’s all I have to say. It’s all I ever have to say.

I LITERALLY SQUEAKED WHEN I SAW THIS FACE. IT IS CUTE AF.

(No, not Daniel. Obviously not Daniel. The one that looks like a human puppycat.)

See above point about the animators being awesome: that’s a David move. It’s a David face and a David voice but I feel like even without all the other clues, you could plop someone down who’s never seen a single frame of this episode and they could tell you something’s off with the blond guy. (Okay, maybe that’s going too far, but I feel it. I can’t put it into words, but . . . damn it, is anyone getting what I’m trying to say? Fuck it, the animators are awesome. That’s all I meant, and I’m not going to try and talk about art anymore because it’s hard.)

Did you need a picture of David making finger-guns? No, but is your life richer now because of it? I like to think so.

THIS MAN IS PURE LITERAL SUNSHINE AND HE CANNOT WALK LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

HE IS 75% SMILE AND 102% LIMBS

THAT MATH ADDS UP I PROMISE

(okay, that time he’s actually winking. Just not at you. Sorry guys. Someday.)

SUNSHINE, MOTHERFUCKS. SUN. SHINE.

Look at all those concerned little faces with their cute little expressions. Nikki in particular is a treasure and we should all appreciate her eyebrows.

Oh, Space Kid. We love you.

One of the great things about this episode is, Harrison (and to a lesser extent Nerris) aside, we get to see each of the campers for a decent amount of time, letting us kinda get reacquainted with them. Obviously the most attention is devoted to our Main 3, and Max in particular, but each of them gets a little something to remind us why we love them.

And I love Neil because he’s a passive-aggressive smartass.

Okay, he might be kinda dumb, because that’s not the face you make in response to whatever the fuck Daniel’s doing with his mouth there. Daniel looks like a horror movie monster and I hate him, and none of these children are appropriately scared of him.

Actually, you know who he reminds me of? THIS ASSHOLE:

Anyone remember this guy? From Courage the Cowardly Dog? He scared the shit out of me, and okay Daniel doesn’t look like he climbed straight out of a dumpster full of heroin needles, but there’s a very similar . . . unsettling-ness.

Maybe it’s the eyebrows. They both have super-low eyebrows, which doesn’t look good with a smile.

But you know what’s worse than him looking like that weirdo pedo guy? When he looks like David:

STOP THAT! IT’S CONFUSING AND I DON’T LIKE IT!

I’d just like to remind everyone that I love Nurf. He’s one of the smartest kids there -- certainly the most self-aware -- and despite being a bully** there’s something in him that definitely wants to help and be good.

And he’s the one immediately won over by the assurance of stability and safety. That’s depressing. My poor sweet child, let me love you.

**Did he actually bully anyone after episode 9? Did David accidentally punch the bully out of him?

Nurf is adorable and I missed him.

“I’m helping!”

APPRECIATE NURF. APPRECIATE THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

Also . . . he may have killed Preston? He’s not very good at helping, but damn it he’s trying his best!

When Max is the most concerned person in the camp, you have a problem.

Nikki’s plan: karate-chop the door down

Max’s plan: beat the door down

Neil’s plan: awkwardly caress the door like a cat kneading the side of a couch . . . down?

Have some cute Davids. I think we could all use some cute Davids.

Max is having none of your shit.

NONE OF IT.

I can’t remember if I saved this photo for David’s face, Max’s, or Nikki’s. But they’re all lovely.

WHEN THE FUCK DID NEIL LEARN MAGIC?!

Also Max, I know. I feel the same way every morning.

Nikki is cute. More importantly, Nikki is capable of being cute when she wants to be. This is terrifying.

David, you’re about to have a bad day. (Also “wake up and smell the Kool-Aid!” is one of those lines that’s much funnier in context. Props to the writers for that one.)

Max is an angry puppy and David is pouting.

They look so badass! It’s like Charlie’s Angels . . . and David. I wish I could Photoshop an explosion into the background of this picture.

And as you can probably tell from the quality of these comments ha, like there was quality to deteriorate I’m in no way awake enough to continue with this post, but I still have another big chunk of screenshots left because I’m unstoppable.

Which means there will be a part 3. And it will almost exclusively be David’s face.

Prepare yourselves.

#campcamp #campcamp season 2 #cc david #cc daniel #cc nikki #cc space kid #cc nurf #cc neil #cc max #campcamp masterpost #my stuff

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icantoutruntheemo · 6 years ago

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So What is a Healthy Diet for Women?

A hundred years ago our families never stressed about overweight, popped supplements, or chewed antacid tablets like candy. They had the right idea. They followed healthy lifestyles, took natural exercise, and ate the right foods. Naturally, they did not invent this method, nor have specialists to ask what exactly a healthy diet is for women. They simply followed a healthy, organic eating plan that evolved over thousands of years.

A word of warning before I continue: Your life may not be quite the same if you read this article to the end, which I sure hope you will. But chill out and relax. I am not asking you to put on a hoop skirt and go out and till the fields. However you might become more selective about believing what supplement salespeople promise.

The Fundamentals of a Healthy Diet for Women

There is loads of evidence regarding the path to healthy eating for women. The overall mix includes unsaturated fats, whole grains, good protein packages, and fruit and vegetables. However, trans- and saturated fats, sugary drinks, and highly refined grains run counter to this culture. As far back as 2010 a leading scientist advised against taking a multivitamin with folic acid and extra vitamin D as a nutritional safety net. So what we are saying is nothing new.

If we stick to a healthy diet it could carry us comfortably through pregnancy to middle age, and even into our senior years. If you have a boyfriend and they complain about ‘parrot food’ tell them it will make them good and strong in ways they only talk about in locker rooms. A healthy diet for women means more fun in the bedroom every night. Do I have your attention yet? I’ll bet I do!

The Three Elements of Healthy Nutrition

Ask the average doctor or the people at the pre-natal clinic about a healthy diet for women, and the chances are they will ho-hum with generalities. The truth is we are so confused with advertising hype we lost direction about the basics. The other thing that changed is we are going to live into our eighties, when food will play an increasing role in inviting, or fending off cancers, heart disease, osteoporosis, and loss of vision. So we need to do something about this now.

The First Element: Dietary Fats

There are four types of dietary fats, some (but not all) of which are an essential part of a healthy diet for women:

Trans Fats from partly-hydrogenated oils from red meat and dairy products increase the possibility of cardiovascular disease, type 2 diabetes, gall stones, dementia, and weight gain.

Saturated Fats from red meat and dairy which are usually solid at room temperature are part of a healthy diet provided they are under 8% of daily calorie intake. More than that, and we are inviting cardiovascular disease.

Monounsaturated and Polyunsaturated Fats from vegetable oils, seeds, nuts, whole grains, and fish. These are an important part of a healthy diet and we can’t have too much of them.

However the real heroes are Polyunsaturated Omega-3 Fatty Acids. These moderate our bad cholesterol LDL, elevate our HDL, stabilize our heart rhythms, and increase our sensitivity to insulin.

The Second Element: Carbohydrates

Carbohydrates, saccharides, or simply carbs are in high quantities in breads, pastas, cereals, rice, potatoes, and beans. As U.S. women gradually decreased their intake of dietary fats, the proportion of carbohydrates increased. However, there is a catch. Highly processed grains including white flour and white rice lose much of their nutritional value, increasing our triglyceride and reducing our good cholesterol HDL intake.

Therefore, a healthy diet for women means monitoring our glycemic levels regularly to check for blood-sugar spikes after consuming these unhealthy carbohydrates. High glycemic responses increase the chances of type 2 diabetes, coronary heath disease, and perhaps even ovulatory infertility.

The Third Element: Proteins

Proteins are one of the four building blocks of life. Our bodies cannot function properly without them, and therefore they are a core aspect of any healthy diet for women. We obtain them from meat, fish, poultry, beans, eggs and nuts and seeds. The actual source would not make a difference, were it not for how our bodies process protein molecules down the line. The answer lies in the fats, carbohydrates, sodium, and other nutrients in the package deal.

A twenty-year nurses’ health study revealed eating more protein from beans, nuts and seeds, while reducing animal protein reduced the risk of heart disease. Eating more fruit and vegetables was something our mothers drummed into us, although the people in the fast food industry – and perhaps we – never listened much.

Shrimp Salad: Marco Verch BY CC 2.0

A Healthy Diet for Women Means Plenty Fruit and Veg

A healthy diet for women should include five servings of fruits and vegetables a day. If you are feeling guilty you are not alone. Only one in four women in the United States follows this advice. From a woman to a woman pretty please try a little harder. There is a strong connection between health, and fruit and vegetables in diet. And there is a lesser chance of esophageal, stomach, lung, and colorectal cancer too.

Most of us grew into unhealthy diets as kids because that was the time the fast food industry arrived and to be honest we had no idea the impact it would have. Stand by for our next post in about two weeks’ time. when we suggest a few baby steps to get you started in ways you will actually enjoy. None of the above will achieve full potential, unless you take the regular exercise we offer on this site. See you at the gym soon! Remember your fruit and veg snacks.