#I can't take everything in myself because it's extremely time consuming and I'd have to invest in a sewing machine

[schulziann]

I hate how whenever I tell people I have trouble finding clothes that fit me the response is always "just get them tailored or take them in yourself!" like lol now I really know you've never been in my position.

[darcytaylor]

There is a pattern to these fandom freakouts that's quite frankly become exhausting. Every time L hasn't posted in a while, trolls come out of the woodwork, posting shit affecting his loved ones, hoping to spur him into action. This is what happened last time with the HBS likes. Every time there's info or even so much as a hint that he's still with A, a smear campaign against him is launched, without fail. But if he posts something about Bton, all is forgotten in seconds, he's suddenly uwu babygurl Lukey Newts, perfect boy. Every. Fucking. Time. This is what happens whenever a celebrity isn't doing a little monkey dance for the fandom. And it's such a weird thing - if they're obsessed with someone, it doesn't necessarily mean that they love or even like them. In which case, I would like to kindly ask - why are they even here? Like, what are they hoping to get out of this experience?

Personally, I'm tired of going into any Bton fandom space at this point, hoping to see what's new and hopefully have a good time, and getting bombarded with literal nonsense that will be disproven within hours yet will somehow linger in the collective fandom memory and become a building block of increasingly unfounded theories that have diverged completely from reality, yet get regurgitated as fact every time new info emerges. They always find a way to contort even the most benign piece of info into intractable timelines of things that have been given meaning that they simply don't bear. Literally if you were to pull a thread, the whole thing would fall apart. Yet, these same things get resuscitated every time the fandom is mad at L or N or whoever for not doing whatever it is they think they should be doing.

The entitlement is mind-blowing and the rinse-repeat cycle of chicken-littling over the minutest thing is sucking every bit of joy out of being in this fandom anymore. It has become more time-consuming just trying to curate my experience than actually consuming content I'd like to see. What is even the point anymore, folks, huh? Would your own lives withstand the same kind of scrutiny you're putting these people under? They're just trying to make entertainment and a living out of it, what's the point of ruining everything? Whence even the urge? None of this is that deep. Is everyone just a miserable fuck anymore? I'm sorry for ranting, but it's become not worth it for me anymore when May was such a blessed time. Why can't we all stay in that energy? What good could possibly come of this? Thank you for listening and take care of yourselves, everyone.

I totally get where you're coming from. Fandoms can become overwhelming, and it sounds like you're feeling really drained by all the drama and negativity. It’s hard when a space you used to enjoy turns into a battleground of speculation, entitlement, and frustration. Your feelings about how fans treat celebrities and the constant cycle of drama are completely valid. I've noticed this pattern as well. It’s disheartening when every action or inaction of a public figure is scrutinized and twisted into something negative. Luke might not have handled everything perfectly, but the extreme reactions often reflect a lack of empathy and misplaced expectations.

It’s also frustrating when fandom spaces are overwhelmed with misinformation and sensationalism. This is why I found myself rolling my eyes at the information coming out yesterday. People should be more mindful about the sources of their information and why it’s being spread. The effort to sift through and debunk myths can be more exhausting than just enjoying the content. Constantly having to defend yourself or distance from the negativity to keep your enjoyment intact is disheartening.

It’s tough when people criticize you for trying to view the situation from a different perspective and not just join in the attack without knowing all the facts (or at least a good portion of them). It’s definitely tiring. I was feeling this yesterday because of the asks I was getting.

Remember, it's perfectly okay to step back if the environment is no longer enjoyable or is affecting your well-being. Fandoms should be a place for sharing enthusiasm and connecting with others who feel the same way, not a source of constant stress and conflict. I hope you find a way to rekindle your enjoyment of the fandom or at least find some peace with it. Take care of yourself and focus on what makes you happy. ❤️

[de-fright-ful]

✔

A QUICK AND EASY PLOTTING GUIDE ! | OOC MEME | ACCEPTING

My muse(s): Amity De Claire - Joy + Her Pokemon Team & the Coven (Noriko Joy, Orin Fournier, Yuhuza Sataoi, Yvita & Yvona Joy + close family friends like Mako) the whole song and dance of everyone on the property! + Vespodoza because I could see interactions, and they would be interesting.

Imagine meeting with an alternate universe's version of yourself? Wild! I love the prompt, ESPECIALLY for Giratina and Vespo! Even more so given that Vespodoza is the ONLY remaining Pokemon from the world of its origin left alive - the Dialga and Palkia of their world represented the two extremes of existence, the absence and the presence of Vespodoza SUPPOSED to be the in-between to mediate - unlike the present world - but Vespodoza is evil, it didn't mediate, it stoked both flames on either side with its swarm until both deities turned to war, and by then the swarms and Vespodoza had grown so strong that it devoured them both. Leaving the God of their universe to destroy the whole universe as a failed experiment to try and contain Vespodoza... only for him to wiggle out like a cockroach and move onto the next one, and the next one, until eventually, his hubris ends him when HE'S consumed (in spirit) by the little girl who he murdered and stole the body of (while on the flip side, as he's using her body as a sentient cocoon and drug to feel emotions and experiences, it's not capable of understanding on his own : she's consuming his mind and turning the parts of him into her until only one remains: Amity)

Do I know your muse(s):  yes | no | a little | tell me about your muse

( OKAY OKAY—I will out myself here. After you responded to my tags on the 'what made you name your blog' reblog chain meme, I HAD to check out your full blog and the lore. Nico and Amity are brothers in misfortune (on paper, at least!) AND possessed by Giritina adjacent entities. How could I not immediately latch on like Velcro?! But like, oh my god, when I say, when I SAY I love them both!! I love Giritina having a little vacation and watching through the eyes of a vessel about what it means to experience an existence that's so small but not insignificant and having that unseen escape from the clashing status quo of him, Dialga and Palkia with Arceus out here both instigating and being the worlds worst referee. BUT ALSO NICO, MY CRYPTID BELOVED, he is so so welcome in Saijikara; I love that he's coasting on the nature of the assumption and truly living like a spectre in the best way. Everyone assumes one part or the other and fills in the gaps they want about him - like who he must be affiliated with - and how he started. meanwhile, he can live his best life, poking and prodding, not needing to be grounded to any one human institution and sort of remaining as that perfect in between of both Giritina, with his godly perspective, and a normal ass bro! )

Setting: our verse | my verse | your verse | modern | alternate universe | other*

(Given the nature of both of our characters, there are SO MANY interesting possible verses and point-in-time interactions that could take place, and I'd love any of them! So, like, DM me so we can get started and plot something because I am OVERFLOWING with ideas!)

Pre-established relationships? yes | no | depends on the relationship

Note: The crossed-off ones are the only ones I can't really see happening. The bold ones are the 'OH YEAH PROBABLY' quick and easy roles I can see Ami slotting into, and everything else is a possibility! If you see something you want to proceed with, then let's plot!!

Possible relationships: friends | classmate | co-worker | roommate | family, real or adopted | dating or blind date | married | friends with benefits | unrequited love | lending a hand | teacher - student | rivals | allies | partner-in-crime | enemies | protecter - guarded | business partners | spy - infiltrated | manipulator - manipulated | star-crossed | first meeting | other 

I’m in the mood for: fluff | angst | horror | romance | humor | crime | hurt / comfort | action | supernatural | slice of life | crack | dark threads | light threads | any genre | multi-para | shorter para | one-line | any length | plotted threads | unplotted threads | other (alternate answer: YES)

Feel free to: message me ooc | message me ic | tell me your ideas | write a starter | answer one of my opens | send a meme | reblog this with your preferences - let’s find common interests! (ALL OF THE ABOVE ON GOD)

[midnight-fox-boy]

Ya know, it took me a long time to accept that gender (and sexuality) is so complicated and individual that for some people, there may never be a perfect word or even a perfect few words to label it with 100% accuracy. I spent many years trying on different identities, trying on identities that felt partially right but like I was missing something, and many that felt comfortable for a little while and then things changed.

In my strong desire to just find a few labels that could encompass all of me, I got really stressed and frustrated. I wanted to know which communities I would relate to the most! Even when I tried to just take a break and allowed myself into trans man spaces and nonbinary spaces, I found that I related to some or many people in each category, but not everything. After so long of just giving up it hit me. One, that I was allowed to be both. I could be nonbinary and a guy. Two, that everyone is so diverse that I'm going to relate to people of so many different identities, and there will be people who share the same labels as me that I will not relate to at all.

I can relate to some genderfluid people in some aspects, androgyne people, nonbinary trans mascs, binary trans men, femboys etc. and it's okay for me to look at experiences of people who don't share the exact same labels as me. I used to feel as if it was wrong or "intruding" for me to do so. I don't have to use a label to relate to common experiences, and I also realized I don't need to fit a label 100% to use it. I had similar issues with my sexuality.

In addition, I had to learn to be okay with not knowing every facet of my gender. I know who I am, and what I like, but I can't tell you every piece that makes up my internal gender puzzle. And I can't say with full accuracy that my sexuality is one specific thing set in stone.

I'm a nonbinary trans man. I know I'm a guy, I know I'm nonbinary. I know at least one aspect of my gender is androgyne, and I'm not sure if that is the reason I have some internal sense of feminity with my gender, but I'm fine with that. I can't say I'm fluid but it's not completely static either. I do have some fluctuations that are usually small, with the extremely rare stronger change.

I consider myself gay. I include nonbinary in my gayness because I'm both a guy and nonbinary (also the majority of my partners have ended up coming out as nonbinary during our relationships). But I know I'm capable in some circumstances of being attracted to a woman or someone who leans heavily on that side of the spectrum. Primarily if a partner ever came out to me as one and went down that transition path. But generally speaking, I'm gay, in my own way. It'd be more accurate to say men and in many cases, masculinity and androgyny. Feminine guy? Hell yeah. Feminine woman? depends lol

I'm also aspec which is weird and unique. I consider myself demisexual(/romantic). I do experience strong sexual attraction and am very sex favorable, and Ive come to understand that's partially the reason why I'd still love and be attracted to a partner if they ever realized they were a woman. But my Demi-ness doesn't require knowing someone for a long time necessarily. I can develop an emotional bond very very quickly in the right circumstances. I don't have a lot of issues when it comes to relating to a lot of "allo things" because I can relate to many, just maybe but in the traditional sense of the word. I can find random people hot AF, but it's more strong aesthetic attraction than actually wanting to bang them.

I can consume adult content because I don't do so for the people in the content itself, I just naturally "self insert" for the fantasy aspects of what's going on.

This is all to say, it took me way too long to understand that I'm not ever going to be exactly like another queer person, and that's okay. Yes it can feel alienating when I can't relate to so much that is correlated to a specific identity I use, but I know I'm not alone in that, even if not in every way.

It's been 8 years since I came out as trans, as of December 3rd 2023 💜 I'm so proud of how far I've come.

[utterentropy]

TW: rant, reality shifting mention, suicide mention, I got angry man

People who say "fiction doesn't impact reality" or "people are so dumb, they think fictional tropes will hurt them in real life" have clearly never met a psychotic person before.

One time I stayed up well-past two AM panicking and shaking because I was afraid that everything I put Mike through was real and I actually made a real life person get tortured and actually made a real life person go through all those horrors.

I also one time got so into a paranoid episode that I thought I was being hunted down literally just by someone's freaky design that they didn't put a TW on.

Another time, I was in a fandom with an extremely popular comship and at one point the line between real from fake for me was so blurred that I was /srs going to kill myself because someone was mean to me about a ship and I couldn't distinguish in the moment that the ship wasn't a mockery of my suffering, and I'm like seventy-five percent serious when I mean I felt like that ship was personally attacking me because people romanticised the abuse so hard.

And another time I was so obsessed with a fictional character (it's Mike, I'm referring to Mike again) and so hateful of my "bad" personality that I wanted to reality shift (or, "consciousness" shift? Because I was a consciousness theory shifter?) and rewrite my personality to be that character because I hated my own personality so much, to the point my fantasies were consumed with being a reincarnation of the character and I drove myself mad before I got proper support/treatment.

All of this was while I was (mostly to fully) medicated, by the way. Schizoaffective doesn't fully go away, even if you're treated.

Considering the nature of reality-shifters, shipping wars, violent rejection of certain headcanons, the brutal debates over who's "the real character", and other groups I don't wanna invoke the wrath of, I'm like ninety-nine percent certain that we just can't separate real from fake.

And given the fact that I developed homicidal tendencies when I was in sixth grade simply because I got too invested in murderous characters while psychotic, I can only imagine how harmful the belief of "fiction doesn't impact reality" is towards people who literally cannot tell real from fake. You can't tell me you support people of all mental health backgrounds and then proceed to reblog a "your favorite character of all time would hate you if you don't xyz", or "people who don't understand fiction isn't real are dumb and–" what have you."

Do you realise how insensitive you are if you think that survivors of psychosis not being able to tell real from fake makes them "dumb" or "chronically online" or what have you? Sorry that you got the privilege of having a brain that isn't trying to sabotage you, at all times, and WILL sabotage you if you don't take tiny capsules full of chemicals EVERY DAY or so help you god.

I'd honestly rather have to tolerate someone who thinks all psychotic people are like, murderers or something than someone who believes "fiction doesn't impact reality". What do you do when someone is actually delusional, huh? Do you suddenly change your mind about "real from fake is common sense"? Do you shame the delusional person and make them worse, and then victimise yourself when they perceive you as a threat? Do you enable their delusions because they seem pretty to you in the moment (or you're just unqualified to all roses in a rosebush) and then when they suddenly do something gross you don't wanna play with them anymore? Do you call them stupid? Do you fetishise them? Hm?

And don't say none of these. Considered I've been around people like this while psychotic, I know exactly who would ruin me if I was psychotic and who would save my life.

"Fiction doesn't impact reality" is so stupid and probably hypocritical considering most people who I've met that say this's entire lives revolve around fiction. Shut up, and go talk to a psych teacher because they probably have a library of information you don't know.

[kiindr]

Hey I wanted to just kinda share my success story here because I think it's important for people to hear

Trigger warnings for suicidal thoughts, self harm, eating disorder, being young, mild sexual harassment, anti-depressants, anxiety meds, and sedatives, toxic relationships ('romantic' but it was petty and short, so I'd say mostly friendships), and talking about therapy and mental hospitals.

- Just turned 15 recently (Present)

*FIRST YEAR*

- Was 11, in 6th grade, when covid hit hard

- Sister has mild disability in her legs so my family was extremely extremely cautious to not catch the 19 because viruses trigger it

- At this time my thoughts were as follows:

"Emotions make me weak"

"Crying is a sign that I'm not strong and confident"

"If I can just get rid of these god damn emotions I can manipulate and gaslight my way through life and be successful"

- I was so desperate for attention I would seek out negative attention. And not sexual negative attention or doing weird stuff... I mean I would sit in gaming chat rooms and tell people to insult me for hours.

- I didn't know crap about mental health at the time

*SECOND YEAR*

7th grade. 13. My lowest. God, so fucking low.

- Still desperately sought out negative attention. I was the weird girl and the pick-me girl in one. I was convinced that if I just brushed off every insult and wrongdoing to me, I'd be "chill" and "fun"

- Hang out with people that used me as entertainment when they were bored, yelling at me and degrading me and insulting me and the worst part is that I LIKED it because I was just so damn lonely

- Started dating some boy. He was 12 I was 13. We never really talked to each other. We were making out before he ever said he wanted to be my boyfriend.

- Soon he was pushy, and disgusting. He would dry hump me, rut against me, spit into my mouth, squeeze my throat...

- And I never said no. Because I was so scared of losing what I had convinced myself was someone who actually loved me.

- But when I tried to 'lightheartedly' protest, or struggle or try to get out of his grip, he would grab me and pin me down and no matter how much I tried to escape he would just force me not to move and he didn't ever actually penetrate me but dear lord that horny ass 12 year old boy had boners more often than not. I didn't tell anyone bc I was scared that they'd be mad that I didn't tell them sooner.

- Also went through a huge identity crisis. It wasn't because I was trans, it was because I wasn't allowing myself to be me so I didn't feel like ME and so I turned to the easy thing. At one point I was "Demiaro pan genderfluid trigender"... I'm just a cis lesbian though.

- My thoughts at this time are as follows:

"Oh."

"I don't care."

"Eh"

"It is what it is"

"I want to sleep"

"I wish I was sleeping right now"

"I can't be here, I have to go"

*SECOND PART OF SECOND YEAR, WORST TIME OF MY LIFE*

- I hate my body. I dont eat all day long. I don't eat lunch at school and told my friends I prefer to eat at home and at home told them the opposite.

- I can't take it one day and I cut myself with a dull old xacto knife.

-It's addictive. I've been punching myself for ages, but cutting is completely different. It made me feel like everything would be okay... for a few seconds... and then I'd look down and all there would be is blood and a rusty blade and a mark that will never be erased.

- I begin to feel suicidal. I think about how much easier it would be to just not exist. I sleep 24/7 so I dont have to be conscious

- I begin to throw up all my food to try to be skinnier

- I progress, I'm fantasizing about killing myself and I'm writing out 3rd person blurbs of me doing it. I drew it too. It was all that consumed my thoughts. It wasn't long until I couldnt trust myself at all to be alone for a minute.

- Living is just so hard. I couldn't describe it then, and I can't describe it now. There are simply no words that will begin to encompass the sheer delusional, wrenching, miserable agony of what that low low feels like. I am positively amazed at 13 year old me for every day she woke up and lived.

- Im missing 1-2 days of school every week. My grades drop, hard

- We try a new anxiety med with my therapist that is known to potentially cause suicidal thoughts. I see it as my chance

- In a month my parents are checking in with me, making sure I don't feel suicidal

- I kindly inform them that I, in fact, am. Very.

- I sleep in their bed at night. I silently get in and we turn the lights out and we all silently cry ourselves to sleep every night.

- I come foward about everything

- We switch meds, I'm getting treated for not OCD but now depression and the likes

- The biggest thing in my life was recovering. Every day I worked SO fucking hard to recover. Every time I opened my eyes in the morning, or put on clean clothes or went to school or took a shower or said hello to someone or finished my homework or ate something was a MASSIVE battle. It was so tiring. I was SO tired.

*THIRD YEAR*

- Over the summer, I'm able to continue to work on myself without worrying about school, it helps a ton.

-Come the school year I'm 6 months free of self harm, no longer suicidal, and eating healthy and balanced meals. I'm into fitness, as running became my coping mechanism for self harm urges (Because running is horrible 💀). I'm going to school almost all days and I'm dropping friends that were bad for me and open myself to new friends.

- It's still hard, I still struggle with my OCD and severe social anxiety, but the depression is so so much better.

- My birthday comes. I'm turning 14. It was so amazing... I was excited for it.

I was EXCITED FOR IT.

I CARED.

I was excited to see my family and I was excited to have a yummy dinner and I was excited to open Presents! I didn't feel like a burden or like gifts for me was a waste of money and my party a waste of time.

This happens at Christmas too. It's so hopeful for me.

- I dunk back into depression towards the end of the school year but resurface a few weeks into summer even better

- We take month long vacation where me and my lil sis have full access to the city and everything while my parents work in our camper. This was so impactful on my social anxiety. I was empowered by my independence.

*NOW*

- I've learned to set boundaries

- I have a healthy friend group with wonderful communication

- I feel HAPPY at least once every day (!) and I let myself cry and it feels so good to let it out and I let myself be sad or angry or dissapointed

- Im not afraid to ask for what I need (Okay well I'm afraid but I've learned to cope with that fear and do it anyway). People like me BETTER when I just ASK for water when I'm thirsty, or I just ask if I'm allowed to use their TV, or I just ask for some milk because Asian food is too powerful for me (😔).

- I have learned how to NOT give advice and just listen. I can hear someone's problems and not want to fix them.

- I have learned what I can and cannot control

So, in summary, I was just in the PITS and I am in awe of myself for my recovery but I am BETTER now. I feel GOOD.

The biggest piece of advice I have to anyone struggling with suicidal thoughts is to think about how PROUD future you will be of you for every day you hold on. Future you will try to give you hugs and comfort and they cant... not until you reach them. Future you is watching from above and sees your path to recovery but in the thick of it you can't see it. Future you is counting on you. Don't let them down. Just, hold on. They deserve a chance right?

(I'm sure this is littered with typos so I'm sorry about that, I don't have the energy to check right now, it's kinda late and I have to get up early)

♡

i love this!

i am so proud of you!

<3

[wetslug]

ive mentioned it briefly but i thought i'd elaborate and give yall the full story of How High School Me Accidentally Induced a Mental Disorder, if anyones interested and wants to learn from my folly

alright so its ~2014, im in grade 10, i've been Dx'ed with autism about a year now, and my depression is as bad as its ever been. basically everything sucked so my brain was naturally susceptible to just short circuiting and causing more problems in the first place

i think my first tics (which were small neck and eye muscle tics) were probably no fault on my own, because like i said my brain frequently Sucked at that time and this is a common age to develop tic problems. but at that time, i had multiple friends with tics, and as I love to research my own problems, I was looking up potential diagnoses all the time, and interacting with online content trying to find tics that looked like mine. soon, my tics were almost incapacitating, i had to modify my schooling because it was distracting to other students, i had pseudoseizures that would last for minutes, and my body was in constant pain because it was always twisting and convulsing. looking back at it now though, i realize that my tics HEAVILY mirrored the ones my friends had and the ones i read about/saw on the internet

i was misdiagnosed with tourettes, which was then changed to Functional Movement/Neurological Disorder, which is a bit of a catch-all term for certain neurological symptoms that can't be linked to an organic problem with the brain (i.e. your brain hardware is fine but software isnt working). a feature of FND is the symptoms often improve with distractibility (they decrease when you focus on something else), and are more suggestible than other organic-related disorders such as tourettes (though the basis of tourettes is still little understood).

why did my brain "decide" to induce problems?? some aspects I think that contributed: -humans are extremely social and are great at mirroring behavior -especially when that behavior is coming from people you admire i.e. your friends! -simply watching a motor movement can cause motor mimicry and automatic imitation (possibly through mirror neurons). this is a big help for most of the human experience.. except for this one -i was in so much mental pain that I appreciated (subconsciously) when people could physically see that i had a problem -humans like attention, this is normal !! again, when youre a shitty lil teen and your life sucks, sometimes it can be gratifying for people and doctors to worry about you

its been 9 years now, and i mostly have a handle on my FND (i will tic a couple times a day, moreso when i drink or too much caffeine), mostly by treating the underlying triggers (mostly my depression) and not worrying or giving it attention when i tic.

in retrospect, i should have been stopped consuming such content and effectively triggering myself immediately when i saw i was taking on those characteristics. but ofc i was 15 and a dumbass and didnt realize what i can see now. if youre a teenager, you know youre susceptible to mirroring behaviors, and you consume mental illness/disorder content or conversations with peers, i would be VERY careful about monitoring yourself and making sure you're not accidentally triggering yourself and taking on the same symptoms. its no fault of your own, it doesnt mean youre a 'faker' if it happens, and it doesnt mean youre weak. some tips i have to avoid this while still consuming said stuff; -i found written content (like blogposts) were less triggering than video form content -try communicating with friends online/by text/etc to avoid seeing their tics irl. without being a dick ofc its not your friends fault that your brain said Copy Paste -rather than research into tackling the tics itself, see if you can identify what may have precipitated it or seems to make it worse (such as stress, low blood sugars, etc), and try to work on that. see if it subsequently improves the secondary disorder.

OF COURSE IM NOT A DOCTOR DONT SUE ME ASJKDJKDAS IF U HAVE SUCH PROBLEMS SEE A DOCTOR

[an0theralien]

Wrote this in 30mins. Trans girl essay rant time 😎

•

•

Sometimes, I think about what will happen later. It's the kind of thing I try to avoid thinking about a lot, the idea that someday my parents will know that I'm trans. As I enter my senior year, this fear is consuming me entirely. My graduation will be at the end of this year, but what will they use as my name? I'll be going by Emma with my friends, and either E or Emma with my teachers. But my parents will still only see me as my deadname, because I have yet to tell them anything. I know what the result will be if I do tell them, they will refuse it. They will argue that I'm still a child, that Its a phase or that I'm just not sure who I am. I've been out to friends as trans since the 7th grade, that's 4 years so far. Obviously, I don't deny the possibility that maybe, someday, it could change. As slim of a chance as it is if that were to happen I would change on my own terms. I wouldn't do it because I was told to, or because some god told me to.

  Recently, I've met this girl who's going to be at the school I'm moving to next year. She's genuinely the sweetest person I've ever met. We've texted for a while but we recently did meet in person. It was randomly, she just texted me asking if we could get frozen yogurt at 9pm one night. It's the first time I've been out after dark with friends (I know 17 years old and this is the first time I've been out after dark?? I'm kind of an introvert.) It turns out we live extremely close to one another, like a few streets away close. We plan to hang out a lot more now, and she's been telling me about different people in the friend group that I will be joining once I get to this school.

  When we talk, I stop worrying about things for a while. She's genuinely beautiful, like STUNNING. And I'm crushing so hard, but trying to play it cool. I've told her about my situation at home, and she offered for me to live with her once I turn 18. 18 would be halfway through my senior year, I'd be leaving my parents before they even saw me graduate. But should I really give them that? I won't lie and say everything is horrible in my home, my parents genuinely do love the idea of me that they have. I would love to say that they truly love me, myself, the true me, but I know that it just isn't true. They are extremely transphobic people, and they don't keep it hidden in the slightest. Up until now I've said that my escape would be college, I would go to college and I'd never have to worry about seeing them. But now, there's an opportunity calling for me. Obviously I'd have to meet her mom, and ensure that she genuinely is okay with it. But if she is, and if this type of thing was really available to me, I think I might take it.

  Beforehand I would have to make sure my car was registered in my name and not my dad's, or abandon my car. I'd have to pick what things I want to take with me and what I would keep at home. I obviously wouldn't be able to take much either way, but with a car id be able to take a lot more. Without I'd have to really limit myself. I've imagine the idea before, of what it would be like after I left. I would have to call the non emergency line, and explain to them that I was not kidnapped, but rather chose to leave as a legal adult. My parents would probably spam text and call me, my siblings as well. I might tell my sister, and my brother, but only to calm their nerves.

  I could imagine my mom crying, my dad screaming. I could imagine my little brother crying as well, wishing I would come home one day. He wouldn't realize that there was a reason I left. My phone plan would get cut off as soon as they found out how to do so, but since I paid for the phone (I'm hoping) they won't try to take it from me or contact the police claiming it to be stolen. That's the issue I've encountered with a lot of the things I own, it's the reason I've started buying everything myself. That way when I leave they can't try to claim I stole these things. Someday I imagine, (if I take the car) they would see my car parked outside her house. They might try to show up and talk with me. My mom would cry begging for me to come home. My dad would threaten her mother. He would probably insist on me coming out, and wouldn't leave unless the police were called or I came out to talk with him. 

  Relatives, people I've never even thought about would probably contact me. They would beg me to come home, or I'd just get told that I was a worshipper of the devil and that I have taken the path to hell. I think the only relative I would try to get in contact with would be my half aunt. She and her husband seem to be really accepting people, which is why they are pretty looked down upon by the majority of my family. Theyve offered to me before that I could live with them after I turned 18 if needed. At the time I never saw it as anything beyond them being nice, but as I grew up I realized that they realized how bad the conditions could be at home due to my parents opinions and they were trying to leave a door open for me. I think they might be the ones I go to for support after I move out, wether that be as soon as I turn 18 or when college comes around.

  For now, despite all of this. I'm happy. I'm optimistic for my future for the first time in a while honestly. I know the career I want to pursue, and I know the college I want to attend. I know that it may be a pipe dream to hope that everything works out and I go to the college of my dreams, but right now to keep myself sane all I can be is optimistic. I've got amazing friends, I have a new school, a new job, new opportunities, and more. Someday I'll probably look back on all of this, who knows where I'll be then but to future me, you've still got this. Anytime you fall back into that pit that I always do, just know that this part of you, this optimistic side is always there.

[bookshelf-dust]

Sorry this is long ash lol just wanted you to know that you're not alone. Thats all I wanted when I was by myself.

Right. I never thought I'd open up about this lol, especially to a stranger online. But I get you… I'm a really skinny black male, and where I live, people look at me as if I'm anorexic or dying from disease or something, even when I clear it up that I'm not. I constantly have to deal with my relatives telling me about my body, and it's aggravating, cuz some of them are adults, so I'm kind of forced to respect them and take everything. And that hurts, because it's not as if I suddenly lost a lot of weight or anything. I've always been like this, have been to multiple doctors and many have commented on my body not being average.

Being a black male, everyone expects me to be all gangster and macho, and being in high school at the time, that really fucked with my already present insecurities. Not to mention I was in the closet and gay. So, everything was hell. So much so that I refused to go outside for anything aside from school. I used to get in to fights with my parents just because they would want me instead of my siblings to go to the shop right around the corner lol. I was so insecure that I would go into the bathroom or my room and hide from family members visiting. It didn't help that I was a lonely kid in school, and my parents were Christian and kind of the cause for what was happening to me, so I kind of had no one to turn too. That resulted in an extremely underage me going online and seeking validation from old disgusting perverts who had no qualms taking advantage of a child. Long story short, I ended up sending a whole lot of child porn nudes to people. That was until I went on grindr and lied to this one particular man. He called out my bs and gave me some advice. Told me to delete the app.

There is a lot to this day that I still struggle with, but after disregarding everyone and focusing primarily on me, I kind of got better. I dropped out of school for my mental health. My parents didn't agree with me. But they didn't understand when I said it was breaking me. That I couldn't take it anymore. So, I took matters into my own hands. They threatened to make me homeless, but I stood my ground, and I'm glad I did, cuz If I didn't... I don't think I'd be here today.

But anyways, as I was saying. It was hard, but I started focusing and lying to myself, till the lies eventually came true. Yes, I still have those days where things are shit, but I'm much better than before.

It took 2 years for me to reconstruct myself, and if it wasn't for Larry, Twiamz, Ravon, Stan(worldofxtra), Megan the stallion, Cardi, Nicki, cupcake, Ethan Jewel and etc. I probably wouldn't have made it lol.

Oh, and I know that you're wondering what the female rappers, and Ethan had to with this lol. Well, It's simple really. They taught me to love myself. To walk my body. They gave me confidence. And stan was like a free, personal therapist lol.

I can't tell you for sure that things will get better, but what I do want you to do is continue to fight. It's okay to feel how you feel and whine, but don't let it fully consume you. There is nothing wrong with going down. Sometimes things are just way beyond fixing. But u only get one life. So, fight like hell for it. Don't worry about the others. Fuck the others. Anybody can be the star when they wear confidence like their skin.

this is probably all over the place, but its raw lol and yes, I know, I say lol a lot😒I do it when I'm anxious.

you are such a sweetheart. i really appreciate you taking the time to say all of that to me and it means a lot that you felt comfortable enough to open up like that. i know it isn’t easy. and i’m really proud of you for getting through all of that, and i’m so glad that you’re feeling better. i’m glad that those people could help you too. i haven’t thought about some of them in a really long time. i’m glad that you can love yourself, because you deserve it. you always have deserved it and you always will. and i appreciate you being so raw with me. i understand about being anxious, and it means more than i could explain that you talked to me at all.

the thing with me though is that i’m just done. i don’t really have it in me to fight like other people do. i’m not sure what it is that i’d be fighting for. i’ve already let all of this consume me, and i know that’s probably disappointing to hear, but it’s true. this is all i think about. for awhile i tried to listen to other people, to people i know care about me, and think that things would get better. but i don’t believe it anymore. not even a little bit. i know that i only get one life, and i think i’m okay with that. i don’t really think there’s anything left for me. i’ve realized that i’m just not going to have what other people have. i won’t ever be this confident and happy person, and that’s okay. i don’t have it in me to keep going anymore. i don’t believe that good things will happen, that things will change or get better. that’s just who i am. i wish i felt differently, you know?

but it’s alright. i love you. thank you for being there for me. you are going to live a beautiful life. and i am grateful that you shared all of that with me <3

[blahandwhatever]

still consumed by the sleepy

yesterday I had to wake up only slightly extremely late instead of extremely extremely late

taste-tested the most bewildering set of unflavored protein shakes

they all tasted like dry oats

the beautiful Matrix Sciences birch was already partly bare

fall in full swing and summer returning

took myself for a walk before dark, got a poke bowl (not the best)

today I didn't want to get up but had to make myself eventually

had to skip washing hair because late and feel greasy and unpretty

had to get to Costco for eggs before fucking 6 PM

at least it got me out of the house before sundown

people at stores talked to me more than I was prepared for

at home I had the quickest nutritious dinner I could make (still slow to eat)

took a long nap, woke up with jobs on my mind

there hasn't been anything more important in months

(at least not in my own life, besides self-care)

my sense of direction is strong right now, but my action-taking is slow as ever

and I puzzle again and again over the lack of payoff, and what to improve (without money for new credentials)

I did hear back from two jobs this week

one had me do an assessment - still waiting to hear back about that

one asked me to set up an interview, and I wonder if the effort is worth it for a low-paying job - it's temporary, and it's something, but I'm hoping another will work out; I have a few days, so I'll see if the other hires me

none of the higher-paying jobs have given me a chance

there's a good one I want to apply for that asks for references

most of them don't, but when they do, it's always three

I have two and can't think of another good one

makes me realize I need to be more careful about looking good in the eyes of higher-ups

I usually haven't bothered enough, and I've had some tensions with most of them

then there's jobs that were just too brief or where I was just a number

a year ago I was doing so good

I knew it might be too good to be true

but it got worse partly because I messed it up

I flew a little too close to the sun

I went too fast for my big-bucks-in-a-few-hours

but I still have the job, and I still hope it'll pick back up

*

it's October

two years ago I got a set of glasses that brought me inordinate pleasure

last year I found a bottled water that bought me inordinate pleasure (don't buy the little bottle six-packs anymore because they marred the design with a green recycling symbol. also concerns about the recycled plastic. also lack of money. the bigger bottles are still good but less delightful.)

before I had little birthday parties, this year I probably won't given the state of everything, unless someone suggests something (doesn't bother me, I just wonder how everything will be going forward)

if I did, I'd have less to clean than usual

little by little, I get more on top of things

to be fair, there also isn't the mess or busyness of all the shopping I was doing

ohhh I want to do this month better than last year

need to fix my sleep schedule, fix my sleep schedule

I reached a point where I was feeling super-good and starting to sleep less

one day I slept four hours (morning study), and I think it was the first time I ever didn't feel dead on that amount of sleep

then I slipped up a bit again with the iron supplement schedule and my mood and appearance got a bit worse again

I course-corrected, but that brought me back to the long sleeps, which I see the healing effects of, and surely won't last too long, but it would be so much better if I just didn't slip up

crazy to think of all the low/weird periods I had in the past year and how this was probably at least partly responsible for all of them

it really has shown itself to be one of the most powerful things in my life - in like, every way

truly the mineral of strength

and so I must treat it like the god that it is, prioritize it at all costs

why be a lesser self when it's so easy to avoid

*

I keep feeling the need to rebalance things in my life, reduce some types of stimulation

it's great to have plenty of stimulation - and kind of amazing how much I do with the constraints I'm under

still, too much consumption can mean not enough introspection (or creation), and I've been feeling not as in touch with my own journey as I'd like

there's also just the all too quick and effortless nature of browsing stuff online that too easily steals time away from consuming somewhat more challenging and rewarding things

there's so much to genuinely love here, so much I'd like to not miss out on, yet somehow I have to continue the difficult work of culling my Tumblr browsing to make more room for other things

[zoobus]

It's hard to comment on questions like that - would it resonate more if I were around for 90s consumer nihilism? Would it hit harder if I saw it at an existentially turbulent point in my life? Maybe. I can't know. I do know that people younger than I enjoyed Fight Club; my take isn't a popular one.

But I don't think I would. Even if I were offline, I feel the issue runs in line with another famed red flag film I didn't like nor fully grasp and left early - Wolf of Wall Street. And funny enough, I think they carry the same obstruction to my sympathies.

The more time I've had to ponder this, the more I feel you have to share The Narrator/Jordan Belfort's desires, you have to WANT the indulgent fantasy they show you for the movies to work on you and if you don't, you're not going to get it. You need to watch and wish you were Tyler Durden. Because if you don't?

I'm watching a guy slip a cock into a family friendly movie, trying not to think that no one would notice this and if they did, they'd get over it.

I'm listening to this grandiose speech about lost potential men made the middle children of history because they don't have a cool war to die in or a financial crisis to harden them up, angry that they can't all be the red power ranger of life and I'm trying to stop myself from sneering.

I'm watching him start a fight club and tbh that part was good, no notes, I did want that.

I am hearing this movie talk about consumerism in a way that feels...mythological? Distinct? Alien? From how we discuss consumerism today. I can't put my finger on it - it isn't as if the derision for mindless consumerism disappeared; can't go ten feet without tripping over a gripe about funko pops and Disney Adults - but the way he describes it is, I guess, according to several who've described it more deeply, "extremely 90s."

When he holds a random at gunpoint, threatening to come back to finish the job if he hasn't turned his life around and made strides towards becoming a vet? Actually, The Narrator, you do not, under any circumstances, "gotta hand it to Tyler"

(In the same vein re: Wolf of Wall Street, I don't wish to have coked up threesome at the office, buy expensive watches, abandon my loyal wife for the future Barbie, fuck on yachts. This is not a moral statement; the fucked up hedonism I would do if I had the freedom simply looks different)

I'm pretty sure both of these films end up subversive. "you're not supposed to like them! That's the point!" is the number one thing I've heard about both. But to get invested in those subversions, you must also be tempted by those characters - there's no way you can shatter my expectations and blow my mind if I'm already at "this guy is full of shit and everything he does is kind of stupid." I can push myself get what other people get from this - the idea of terrorizing the complacent into a becoming great has a certain allure - but that's empathy I'm forcing, it does not come to me organically.

The long and short of it is I'd have to be a different person to get more from Fight Club. I don't think losing the internet would change me that much.

Guess who saw Fight Club :D

[unironicallycringe]

Hey, given Things Happening In The US, I'm feeling compelled to speak up about my story with abortion. CW for everything associated with that.

First and foremost, I am staunchly pro-choice. In spite of my emotions with it all, I'm not going to tell you to fuck off if that statement bothers you. Rather, you're free to leave in peace if that's your boundary. I don't want to waste emotional energy arguing over it. But if you'd like to continue reading, I'd just ask that you take time to examine the consequences of your worldview, and what happens to families when they're unprepared and unwilling yet are forced into the role regardless. Your view doesn't end at birth, it extends into what kind of life will result, and you should never turn away from that.

Anyways, to those who are still here, I'll be frank: I've had to undergo an abortion.

At the time, I actually had a vision of a future where I'd have children. But I'm still thankful I was able to access abortive services. I was 22 in the midst of a science degree, already shackled with tens of thousands in student loans, no long-term job prospects, no housing of my own, and in a relationship that I didn't realize was extremely unhealthy.

Now we can say "you shouldn't have ended up pregnant in the first place!" Sure. I agree with that. It doesn't really change things does it? Mistakes will happen, contraceptives will fail, etc. At best, I would've ended up a single parent. At worst, I would've brought my child into an unhealthy, unstable environment with a partner who lacked compassion. I was not ready for either choice. Pregnancy and child-raising can be a deeply spiritual, beautiful, fulfilling experience; it can be one that's horrific and filled with sickness and stress; it can be a mix of it all. Some people can make it work, and they choose to embrace it.

But that's the thing isn't it?

It's the childbearer's choice whether or not they are able to go through with it.

And I can tell you from firsthand experience, it's not a lightweight choice to make.

The circumstances of each person's life are so drastically different. There is no blanket government rule which will address each one adequately and harmlessly. It's up to that person and that person alone. All I hope for is that people have the support and love needed for whatever they choose.

For folks fighting for reproductive rights: we've been here before. It'll still be a long hard road. It's a very scary time right now and it's easy to feel helpless. But get involved and do what you can, rather than getting consumed with worry over what you can't.

To note, I will not respond to inflammatory or argumentative messages. Please don't waste your energy, it's really not worth it! It'll go straight in the trash because I love myself.

[candle-jill]

UPDATE What the eff is going on with Hit Me, Baby! and where the eff has candlejill been?

Hello to anyone reading this! Right. So... a lot has been going on. My last update of Hit Me, Baby! was in October. I've had the story nearly finished since then... but... some things have come up which I'm conflicted about, preventing me from posting. One is my lack of time. I had surgery and was recovering most of October and November (things are still a bit tender). The holidays hit and I became incredibly busy. Then my daughter and SO both got covid (they were vaccinated - it was mild and they both recovered but it was pretty stressful). I also started some new meds (holy fuck, Yaz fucked up my shit - but it's chilling out now). Those are the negatives for why I haven't updated because, while HMB! is nearly complete, it needs some thorough editing. Buuuuuut on to the positive, which I'm extremely excited to vaguely announce— A friend of mine and I started a publishing company! 🎉🎊🥳 I'm really excited and nervous! It feels a little premature to mention at this point, but I wanted to address the reason for the radio silence. Though we are officially formed (at least in the eyes of the IRS), we're mostly focusing on behind-the-scenes necessities before fully launching and marketing our company; website building, developing contracts with our authors, figuring out the breakdown for in house editors and artists for covers, making logos — those kinds of things. I've personally been doing some graphic design too. It's all been very exciting and extremely time consuming! So, needless to say, I've been busy. And while I don't intend on being a primary author represented by our company, I am considering the option of repurposing some of my fics into published novels/novellas. Hit Me, Baby!, FMF series, and Physical Education being the main ones since they're the most original. Obviously they would need a complete overhaul (and so—so much editing), but the bones of those stories are mine and I have ideas for strengthening the plots. Because of that, I've been hesitant about publishing the next chapter of Hit Me, Baby! and I feel like a complete dick about it. Everyone has been so supportive. You can't possibly understand how much I appreciate it. I feel like I owe you all so much because of everything you've done for me over the years. But I also know how much time and effort I've put into providing entertainment while simultaneously not receiving (or expecting) financial compensation for it. With the success I've seen others in this industry find transitioning from fanfic to original content, I feel like I owe it to myself to try. On top of that, I'm torn between pulling my all of my AO3 content (and "candlejill" in general) entirely, leaving it on AO3 but abandoning my work to "anonymous," or just leaving it all up. Right now, I'm leaning towards a version of finishing Hit Me, Baby!. Posting the complete story to AO3 for a short time so those of you who have been so supportive (and are somehow still around), aren't left with an unfinished story. After some time I'd probably take it down. I've also debated posting only the next chapter, which isn't the full end of the story, but it is at least more complete than what's up now. How the next chapter is written (and it's a fucking long one), it could be an ending - the final chapter is more of a coda, which I might leave unposted. I don't know. I don't know what to do and that indecision has paralyzed me into doing nothing and I'm sorry for that. But, anyway, that's what I've been up to these days! I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying spring (if you're on the side of the world finally breaking out of winter).

[thepalestrose]

A Year and a Day of Incorrect Quotes

Today marks one year and one day since my first incorrect quote post, which effectively marked my entrance into the FNDM.

I'm grateful for everyone who's come to my blog and enjoyed the stuff I post. I love it here on tumblr, and it really is one of those places I wished I had discovered sooner.

Rambling self-reflection regarding my experience with RWBY below, a candid look at how and why it's impacted my life, and my best attempt at explaining why it means so much to me. Consider yourself warned.

I started this blog cause I wanted to get involved in the FNDM, to give something back to the show that has given me so much. Before watching RWBY I had never touched tumblr, or fandoms, or fanfiction or anything even remotely similar.

Now, I find myself feeling more at home here in the RWBY FNDM then anywhere else, I write RWBY fanfiction (insert shameless plug for my pollination endgame time-travel fix-it where the brother gods each send back one character and they have to fix everything while the world around them slowly becomes different then the one they remember - One Never Steps Foot In The Same River Twice), and I run this blog. It's kind of crazy, actually. Crazy, most of all, because if you had told me about any of it just a couple years ago, I wouldn't have believed you. More than that, if you had explained what RWBY was about, I probably wouldn't have even wanted to watch it.

I found RWBY through youtube recommending volume 1 as a "free movie with ads" (lol nice try but adblock exists) back in December 2020, while volume 8 was airing. I knew nothing about the show or RT, and just clicked it cause it was the end of the workday and I wanted something to unwind with. I'd seen anime before, but hadn't watched any in a while.

I laughed at the silly jokes, enjoyed the charm that the early animation had, and generally didn't think much about what I was watching. Volume 1 ended, and I figured, what the heck, I'll watch volume 2 tomorrow. So I did.

I distinctly remember Oobleck questioning the girls during their mission to Mountain Glenn being the first time I really stopped and realized this show had potential. Still, I laughed at the jokes and enjoyed the 2nd volume. When the breach happened, I kinda wondered if this was the type of show that wouldn't have "consequences."

Then volume 3 came.

Unfortunately I was spoiled regarding Pyrrha's fate by youtube comments, but Ruby's eyes still took me completely by surprise. The end of volume 3 was the point at which I knew I'd finish the series. I just had to know what happened next.

Volumes 4-8 are, frankly, a bit of a daze for me. I obsessively watched the show. I ended up going from starting the show to finishing up to where volume 8 had aired in like.. 5 weekdays (on top of working full time).

Usually when I watch something, I tend to be quite expressive. I laugh at its jokes (no matter how bad they are), I make jokes (even if they can't hear me), I poke fun at it, and all around just enjoy it. Not with RWBY. I progressively got quieter and quieter until I was watching the show in complete silence, utterly motionless as I stared at the screen with an intensity I hadn't known I could possess.

It was... an extremely unsettling experience. It was while watching volume 6 that it finally hit me that this wasn't going to go on forever. Eventually I would hit the end. The thought filled me with inexplicable dread. A day later, I did hit the end.

I remember just sitting there, so unsure of what had just happened. I already knew that this show was different, but I wasn't even close to being able to say why. It was an inexplicable feeling that would last for months. So, I did the only thing I could think of, and went right back to watching the first episode of volume 1 again.

Before I get into why RWBY connected with me so much, I have to take a step back. I build my identity around the media I consume. I can pretty accurately track my personality development from high school through college through six different works of media. Each taught me something essential about myself and how I view the world, whether it was how to love myself, or how I am absolutely terrible at handling grief, or how I believed that everyone is inherently selfish (and that's not a bad thing). Little did I realize that RWBY had just become the seventh work that would in time become more important than all the rest combined.

I'm confident that in 10 years, I will look back at the day that I watched RWBY as one of, if not the most, important day of my life. RWBY has touched every facet of my identity and become the dominant thread of my entire life. As I write this, I sit here listening to the RWBY volume 8 soundtrack, wearing a Team RWBY shirt, with a RWBY volume 6 poster on my wall, typing on my RWBY blog, looking at my 2nd monitor which has a RWBY background, with my youtube recommendations almost entirely RWBY (that, or obscure history videos), with several open tabs for RWBY fanfiction, the RWBY wiki, the RWBY page on the shipping wiki (I didn't even know shipping existed before watching RWBY), and of course RWBY itself on the RT website (because I am in a continual state of rewatching RWBY and started volume 2 again today).

And that's just what is within arm's reach.

Before watching RWBY, I couldn't have told you what it means to be non-binary, now I am non-binary. Same with ace, and panromantic. RWBY fanfiction was instrumental in introducing me into that world (and is also where I learned what transgender meant). RWBY's affected my political views, my outlook on life, the ideals and core values that I hold dear. It's changed how I want to live my life and what I think is most important in it.

This is by no means a complete list. A complete list would be twice the length of this entire post.

So, how on earth did it do all that???

For months I struggled with that question. I knew that RWBY was different, that it was important, but I couldn't even begin to put any words to why that was. I didn't have any answer to it. Now, I realize there are lots of answers.

I remember discussing the show a week after I watched it with my best friend. She asked what I liked about it, and all I could come up with is "I don't know." Was it the writing? No, the writing was just okay, I said (I was a fool, the writing is fucking PHENOMINAL and I was just too awestruck to see it yet). Was it this, was it that? No, no and no.

Eventually I was struck by (my first) revelation, but to explain why it was so revolutionary, I have to give more history.

People say that kids are pure and kind and if we could all just be like kids, the world would be a better place. That's bullshit. Tell me where the kindness is in telling an eight year old that everyone would throw a party the day I died. Or actively telling me that they wished I would die. Or forming the "I hate ThePalestRose club." Or chasing me around the playground throwing water bottles at me. Suffice to say, I wasn't well liked.

Eventually, I annoyed my way into joining a group of friends, and we spent the next nine years of school together, our own little clique. I learned to ignore those who didn't want me around them, and retreated into myself. You weren't a target if you didn't cry. So I didn't cry.

Then college rolled around. Most of our little group went to a local school all together, but I got into a good tech school that was far away. So, I went off. I met a couple of amazing people (my best friend!) there, and after the first semester I came home and hung out with my high school friends, nothing amiss. I remember we all watched Downfall on the last day of our breaks, before heading back to school. It would've been a pleasant memory if it wasn't the last one I had with any of them.

Come that first spring break, I come home expecting us to all get together, only to find out that none of them will speak to me. I remember finding out from my parents in the back of the car when we were driving home that something had happened. They knew before me, because our families had all been friends, and they wouldn't talk to them either.

And that was just the thing, it was just something. I have no idea what, but the only friends I had ever made in 12 years of mandatory schooling, some of which I had known for a majority of my life, just collectively stopped speaking to me without a word.

To say I was crushed would be an understatement. To say I was depressed would be more accurate. I contemplated the pros and cons of suicide daily. My ability to socialize with others, which had always been pretty poor, was completely shot. To this day, I really haven't ever made any new friends since this happened 5 years ago. My ability to form bonds of friendship just-- snapped.

I don't think I cried then either.

I had to know, why? Why did they abandon me? What did I do to them?? What did I do wrong??

Sleep was no respite, as I started to have persistent nightmares about the entire thing. They ranged from me begging for forgiveness for some unknown crime, to watching myself waste away in isolation forever, to teary-eyed reunions that I knew would never happen. I tried everything I could think of to stop them, but nothing ever did.

So, then you have to imagine my surprise when, two months after watching RWBY, I had an epiphany. I hadn't had a single nightmare since I watched the show. That might not sound like much, but the revelation hit me like a ton of bricks.

It was the fourth rewatch before I realized that Yang's story, especially her volume 4 story, had connected with me deeply. She had been abandoned by everyone and yet still found the strength to come out the other side whole. It was... inspiring. Which lead to my second revelation, that I looked up to these characters.

That doesn't sound like much of a revelation, but it really was to me. I don't look up to anyone. I considered myself cynical and jaded, and I really didn't have admiration for anyone. To find myself suddenly looking up to these characters-- these anime girls no less-- was shocking.

Then the volume 8 finale happened. I couldn't even listen to the ending credits song at first. I was just so shocked and numb. Eventually, my hunger for every last RWBY detail overrode my shock and I listened to it. I think that was the moment that everything really broke. I bawled my eyes out and spent most of that Saturday crying, unable to hold it all in any longer.

It was the start of a transformative process that saw me rearrange my entire identity, to truly heal from what had happened, and let me move forward. I tried to make a conscious choice to let myself be more emotionally open. I let myself feel things that I had been repressing for as long as I could remember. I changed who I was to a point where I feel like I'm entirely unrecognizable to my past self, and I love it.

I've never been happier, and I really do think that RWBY enabled me to make that transformation, and I don't think it would've been possible without it. There's still lots of problems, and my life's always going to be a work in progress. I still don't really know how to make friends, but I don't feel terrified of social rejection when I talk to strangers now.

This is just one tiny portion of all I could talk about with this show. Everywhere I turn to in it, it feels like it was written for me. Like someone understood me to an impossible degree, and wrote it with me in mind. It's crazy to think that anything like that could ever exist, much less that I've had the good fortune to watch it.

So what am I to make of all this? Well, this blog exists to try and give back just a tiny bit of what the show has given me. My fanfics are meant to be my love letter to the show. I'm looking into getting into other forms of content creation, because I just want to do as much as possible.

I don't think all of these realizations are the end for me. No, I think I'm still in the beginning of my RWBY journey. Maybe when the show ends, I'll consider that the end of the beginning. But I'm pretty confident that as long as I'm still breathing, I'll be wanting to consume and create RWBY content.

I still don't think I have a full answer for why RWBY means so much to me. Just today, driving home, I realized that it was what taught me that you have to choose happiness (or at least, choose not to be unhappy). These words are a poor expression, but they're the best I can do right now.

Maybe it's unhealthy to have so much of my identity wrapped up in this single all-encompassing idea. But as someone who felt no reason to live for so long, I'll take that risk to be able to feel the weight of these emotions for just one more day.

So that brings me to the end. Why did I post this in the first place? I guess it's an exercise in vulnerability.

I don't talk about myself, I'm convinced myself no one cares. One of my bosses at work (a really kind old man who has been way too good to me) asked me recently about what I do for fun. It was the last day he would be there before undergoing open heart surgery, which he wasn't sure he would survive.

I was extremely cagey. It was almost physically painful to say anything. My anxiety was awful. I told him I wrote stuff, and he was kind enough to say he would like to read it some time. I doubt he really would want to read RWBY fanfiction, but still.

He's still in the hospital, recovering, but in high spirits.

But the experience made me realize that vulnerability, like trust, is a risk, but it's a risk I need to take again.

[morimakesfanart]

Sindria's Prophet #13

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12]

[AO3]

((edited because I figured out to add some more history facts that I think are important))

~POV Sinbad~

"The Kou Empire, huh?"

"That is going to make things risky."

With all of the Generals caught up with what happened in Balbadd, they needed to start planning for King Sinbad's trip to the Kou Empire, as well as catching him up with everything that had happened in Sindria while he was gone.

"LadY YamuRAI H AA AA A" A yell came from the hallway accompanied by the sounds of running.

((Sinbad is hidden on the left. There's a hint of him poking out.))

A panting magician gave apologies for disturbing their meeting and ran to the head of Sindria's magicians. "I wish I knew you were here so I didn't search the tower first~" Then he started explaining about some magical proof. Most of his words sounded like gibberish to the rest, but it was clear that he had made some kind of break though.

Yam jumped out of her seat. "How did you finally figure it out?! Who figured it out?!" She whipped her head to her King, "Sorry your majesty," and then looked back to the other magician.

"It was the work of the Prophet!” the magician answered. "We were talking about her illness and she pulled out scrolls that- you just have to read them for yourself!”

Mori had said that she had written other scrolls before she started coping down Fate. This must have been what she was working on.

Both magicians bowed out to go test out this new information. Before they could leave, Sinbad ended the meeting; there was no way he was going to wait to learn what other information Mori had blessed them with. Ja'far followed as did a few of the other Generals.

When they got into the court yard, the doctors that had been sent to take care of Mori were already pushing their supply cart back to their main building. The magician that had stayed behind spotted them and raised two scrolls up triumphantly. "She let me take the scrolls!"

---

News of the scrolls written by a Prophet spread throughout the Black Libra Tower within an hour. Yamuraiha and the doctors explained their significance to King Sinbad.

If even a fraction of the theories in the scrolls proved true it would completely changed their understanding of how illnesses work. If Mori wasn't sick she would undoubtedly be swarmed with questions and demands for proof. According to the magicians, nothing in the scrolls went against any known information. Instead, they gave explanations to why certain things that had been attempted in the past had failed. What she wrote about 'cells' was what really caught the eyes of the white magicians and doctors. As an example, according to Mori's writing there were blood types and most couldn't mix; that would explain why most past attempts at blood transfusions had failed.

The 2nd scroll showed a break down of even smaller particles, and how the structures of different particles made up everything. This was going to bring alchemic magic to a whole new era. Sure, such things would most likely be limited to high magicians, group efforts, and the Magi, but it looked possible now. A lot of common magic of the current day took extreme amounts of magoi in the past because they hadn't found the right formula yet. Mori's writing -if true- could easily be used as a guide to finding the right order of commands for many spells.

And even more than that, Mori had said that she had even more information to share; she had just ran out of scrolls and ink.

Mori's presence in Sindria, and everything that went with it were Fate and the Rukh's guidance. King Sinbad could see it -the future he wanted.

---

~POV Mori~

In Sindria's Palace there is a Great Bell. It is rung during celebrations, and to signify the King returning home like it did earlier that day, but it's main use was to ring every 2 hours to tell everyone the time since clocks weren't invented yet. So even though I was a sick person trying to rest during the day, I was woken up by the Great Bell every 2 hours... which of course is also situated right on top of the guest tower.

For obvious reasons, I was awake again.

I wish I knew how the others responded to the scrolls. I really wanted to know Yam's opinion most. Those scrolls basically gave away the secret to Yunan's signature alchemy magic.

I still had the first scroll I had worked on -the one on the science behind blimps-, and the last science scroll I had started. That one was on DNA, and reproductive systems. It was the last one I started in Balbadd. I hadn't started working on it until sunrise on my 2nd sleepless night and it showed; there were missing words everywhere, many incomplete sentences, and I couldn't stay in topic.

These mistakes were too great to fix with an ink knife. Editing was going be super annoying and time consuming since I couldn't work digitally. I'd have to physically cut up the first draft to put everything in the right order before making the next one.

Wait- Did this world have scissors???

Back home the first evolution of shears that could be labeled as scissors was in Roman barber shops in the last hundred years or so before Rome fell. China would spontaneous also create something akin to scissors not long after. Reim and the Kou Empire seemed to line up with Rome and ancient China for the most part, so I tend to use them to place the time period, but the dress Princess Dunya wears is centuries off and throws all historical accuracy questions out the window. Rome was long gone by the time boning was added to women's undergarments, and that dress had all the signs of boned corsetry.

Fuck it. I'll ask for scissors and if they don't have them I'll just invent them myself. I had been drafting professionally for the past 4 years. That may have been for microelectronics, but it uses all the same skills; I could do this. I needed to get a ruler -or at least a straight edge- and a drafting compass which they probably have based on the look of maps in the series, and pencils, or at least colored inks if they had them. I probably needed to reinvent the French curve(stencil tool used in art & drafting)...

Since I was struggling to fall back asleep I moved to the table and pulled out my test scroll. It was full of random marks and some of my early drawing attempts that I used to practice with the dip pen -it's also where I wrote down the dreams from the Rukh. I'd write the list of things I needed, rip the section out of the scroll, and pass the list to someone who could get me what I was asking for. I added some living necessities too like sleep wear and a comb.

The maids that came to give me dinner, and next dose of medicine were not pleased that I wasn't in bed -I was an important guest who was sick after all. And I wasn't pleased to have to drink more of that bitter medicine, but we can't have nice things all the time, now can we?

My voices was strained but I managed to communicate enough. I gave them my list, and laundry (the clothes I wore on the boat) before they left. They'd get me the things the next day. I was instructed to sleep until someone brings me breakfast the next day... which is what I was going to do anyway since the sun was practically gone. I might be a bit of a workaholic but I'm not going to let myself pull an accidental all-nighter when I know I'm still sick. I'm far more self aware than that.

And besides, the Great Bell didn't ring at night.

---

Maids brought my breakfast (& meds) the next morning and let me know that my clothes would be cleaned and dry by the end of the day. I guess they didn't use magic for everything.

They also gave me all of the drafting and inking supplies I asked for except for scissors. In one of the omakes Sinbad was shown cutting his hair with a knife as a part of his normal grooming. I had hoped he was just old fashioned.

For the greater good and the future of my own hair care, I drafted up detailed designs for a few different types of basic scissors. They wouldn't look fancy, but hopefully I had put enough of a detailed explanation on everything for the smith to figure out what I was asking. Steel wasn't developed until the middle ages and some of the counties of this world matched that so I hoped

that God and anime were on my side. I really wanted scissors that would be a good quality.

And if that didn't work I'd just have to get used to using knives and bladed rollers like a regular person.

The Great Bell rung for 10 am. There were at least another 2 hours before someone would show up, to give lunch, that I could ask to take my draft for the scissors to a black Smith.

I should be resting as a sick person. I should be more exhausted and in pain as a sick person. What was making me recover this quickly?

I still didn't feel like laying back down, so I decided to start drafting up the materials and equipment for proving everything I had written in the scrolls I gave the previous day.

Globally, micro-organisms, viruses, and bacteria were not really accept or proved until the late 1800's. Since Magi seems to take place some time around our 100AD-1300, and Yunan hinting at chemical compounds was seen as shocking by Yam, I knew that my bio scrolls were probably causing an uproar in the Black Libra Tower. I refused to use actual people or wait for an outbreak to prove it like how it happened in history -like how John Snow proved it when finding the cause of cholera outbreaks in 1848 and 1854 England. No, I needed to show how to prove these things in a lab, and to do that I was going to need to explain how to keep samples and invent a way to see microorganisms.

First was for a glass petri dish and other containers for samples. I'd need at least 3 -preferably more. I know glass works have been around since BC, and that this world had glass windows in some scenes, but I worried about the quality of the glass contaminating the experiments. I was going to have to boil them beforehand to sterilize them anyway.

Gosh I wish I had access to nonporous, air tight containers, and a temperature controlled environment. The heat and humidity of Sindria could easily mess everything up.

Wait... I suddenly remembered a scene from the Magnostadt arc when they showed how a sample was being stored. They already had good enough glass. I knew there were magic bio experiments but I had no idea how they worked.

With the realization that I was getting ahead myself, I switched to writing about how to use the scientific method to test for germs. It was basically the bread in a bag test to teach young children about germs but with petri dishes. I also wrote about how to analyze samples with a microscope to see micro organisms so I was going to have to figure that out next.

Lunch came as the perfect break.

Just thinking about reinventing this thing made me nervous. I knew magnifying glasses existed in ancient Rome, but they would be nothing like what I was used to. I had to explain how light moves and made multiple diagrams showing how concave and convex lenses affect light as well as the material of the lens. I ended up also showing how to make a telescope even though I knew Yam already had one.

Magicians were the only ones shown with glasses. Maybe now the rest of the world could have them too.

4 o'clock came and so did 3 doctors and a magician. It was less than yesterday, but still more than necessary to treat or analyze one person. I only recognized one of the doctors from the previous day. All of the new faces looked nervous. None of them looked young by any measure, so I really doubted this was their first time treating someone.

They weren't happy to see me at the table and made me return to my bed -their loss.

The doctor from the previous day was the one doing most of the talking. "Your recovery is amazing. You will most likely be better in another 3 days at this rate if not sooner. It's practically a miracle."

I smiled. "It's pretty shocking for me too." As long as I spoke quietly and kept my comments short, I found I could talk again for a bit.

The doctor was silent for a moment before changing the subject. "I know you need rest, but would you be willing to answer a few questions about those scrolls from yesterday?

The 3 other men looked expectant. This was why they were here.

"I don't mind as long as you don't make me talk too much."

Then came the question I was expecting since I had first made the scrolls. "I know you are a Prophet and the information came from your visions but is there any way you can prove what you wrote?"

I pointed to the table with the scroll I had started earlier. "I can't prove it with the current equipment I have, so I've been drafting up the needed equipment and processes for proving it."

They all turned to look at where I was pointing.

I added, "It's not done, but you're welcome to read what I have so far."

I was thanked as they went to the table they had called me away from when they entered.

'He called it 'visions?' Really?' I had to ask Sinbad later what he was telling his people about me so I could keep the story straight.

The magician confirmed for the others what I wrote about light bending. There was magic to do that, but not everyone is a magician. I had just invented a way for non-magicians to bend light.

Just wait until I show them a prism that can split light into colors. Or teach them how light is perceived in the eye. Or even better, show them the double slit experiment that proves that light is a particle not just a wave... Did they know light was a wave yet?

"Lady Prophet."

I was pulled out of my thoughts.

"You said this isn't finished and there is plenty of space in this scroll for more, but would you let us take this back to the tower so we can get started?"

I wanted to say 'no.' I was still coming up with things to add to it, but I also knew that holding things back because I wanted to save paper was a fool's game. Besides, I could always add more to it later.

I nodded and they thanked me before making me promise not to leave my bed. They were grateful for this new scroll but not at the expense of my health -they were doctors after all.

And then they left.

It was probably about 5pm if my internal clock was on schedule, so I had about an hour before the next ring of the Bell.

Even if I wasn't a man of my word, I would have lost the motivation to work with my current project taken from me while I was still in the middle of making it.

So, I did the thing I grew up doing when I was bedridden from illness: I looked out the window. From the bed I could only see the tops of the buildings on the other side of the courtyard. The Tower that was just poking in from the left had to be the Black Libra Tower.

The waves in Sindria were calmer yet stronger than those in Balbadd. It was probably due to Sinbad's influence. He brought stability and security to his people. I could understand why so many chose to follow him or ally with him. But I knew where all this would lead. As he obtains more power and influence he will stop being able to see himself from the pedestal that he and everyone else put him on; his greed will make him blind to the wants and needs of others, and like a middle aged parent that isn't ready for their child to leave the nest he will take out his frustration on the world that was moving on without him. When Sinbad dies at the end of the manga, Drakon realizes that they all put too much on Sinbad's shoulders.

To change Fate, I was going to have to make sure I never put him on that pedestal nor rely on him for much. And I was going to have to convince the 8 Generals to do the same -or at least to start pulling more of the weight.

The 6 o'clock Bell came faster than I expected, as well as my dinner not long after. They brought my clean laundry, a sleeping gown, and some other common clothes and things for my convenience.

I would have preferred something much shorter for the night gown since I hate having a lot of extra fabric around my legs when I already have blankets. I was not going to risk being walked in on by doctors or whoever when sleeping naked, so I would make do for now.

There was no way King Sinbad wasn't going to reward me for those scrolls. If it was some kind of treasure I'd sell it and buy a new wardrobe for myself that actually suited me, and if the reward was a request then I would ask that he pay for everything directly.

The light coming in my windows changed, and I watched my 2nd sunset in Sindria.

When Sinbad found this island 10 years ago, he completely terraformed it. He didn't get rid of all of the vegetation that was here, but he did break down one of the sides to allow for easier access by boat. The side he carved out faced northish towards all of the other known countries, so no boat would have a reason to circle the island. It was a decision that would benefit the merchants and make it easier to defend.

It also meant that my windows faced west, so I could watch the Sun set every day. I couldn't help but see that as a blessing and a curse. Sure not getting the sunrise meant I'd need to put more effort into

waking up in the morning but that wasn't the part I was worried about.

See- The thing is... I have synesthesia (having 2 or more senses overlapping). I see sounds, letters, and numbers as colors and textures. I have it mild enough that I can normally block it out so it's not too distracting (thank God because music is a main stim), but sometimes I'll hear something and get overwhelmed by how it looks.

Each letter and number is a color. So every voice can make every color, but language, pitch, tone, and accent all affect the colors and textures I see from a person's voice like a filter. There have definitely been some people that I struggled to give my full attention to when I first met them because I was entranced by how their voice looked. The more I hear a person's voice the more I'm able to move its visuals to the background so I can focus -desensitizing myself to it.

Luckily, Sinbad's voice is normally not so distracting that I stop paying attention. Since it's like a merger of every voice actor I've heard play him (All the characters I had met so far were like this.) I'm already desensitized. The similarities across all of the VAs meant that his voice looked like a sunset -full of deep purples and magentas, and bright reds, peach, and gold, and with a smooth and flowing texture like painting in acrylic with a wet brush -like a painting of the last moments of a sunset.

His voice was as pretty as he was.

I hadn't actually gotten to see or hear him for a whole day. But I'd get to look at his voice's equivalent every day while living under his protection.

It was frustrating to admit -I barely knew him as a real person- yet I couldn't deny that I missed him. I feel asleep watching the sun set.

((I wasn't going to write about my synesthesia, but this is my fanfic and I thought it might be fun to reference the colors peoples voices make when the characters talk. I'm not going to paint every VA and head cannon, but I will describe them as I go. Ja'far's Japanese and English VAs have voices that look very different so finding the middle ground is proving tricky.

Also, anyone who noticed that the purple I see in Sinbad's voice is the same as the purple I've been using for the illustrations and comics is super smart and cool.))

[liljungie]

MVP | Jeon Jungkook | AU 3

Pairing: [ soccer player] jungkook x reader

Warnings: angst | slight smut

Part 1 / part 2 / part 3

Masterlist

_

How am I gonna get out of this?!

Panic rush through me as I look anywhere but her,It's not like I can say it was raining because the weather today was extremely sunny not a single cloud in the sky.

So that was out of the question and I started to think of anything that I could pass the blame on other than the weather.

"Well.." i scratch the back of my head suddenly every word I know vanished into thin air, making it impossible to form a sentence she looked at me waiting "Uh..jimin" I clap my hands together as I speak to grab her attention " p-pulled another prank on me" I said the first words that came to mind hoping they came out clearly "oh you poor thing! I'll tell kookie to talk to him you're a lady jimin can't treat you like that!" She huffed in annoyance.

Ugh why is she so nice? I can see why Jungkook fell for her...if only she wasn't so damn nice to me maybe I'd hate her enough to push away the guilt.

"I-It's okay- really.. jimin and I joke like that a lot he's only getting back at me for putting powdered peppers in his boxers.." I tried to laugh at the end but it came out so awkward and well...fake. but she luckily went with it "Oh that's mean" she says with a scowl on her face "not gonna lie I was weirded out seeing you in my boyfriend's Jersey"she laughed nervously, "but I think Jungkook witnessed what happened" she smiled laughing at the end which I assume she was laughing at the situation or me..

I felt a lump in my throat form I went pale at her words, my hands start to sweat so I quickly rub them against my jeans laughing along with her.

"I gotta go shower now bye!" I yell behind me walking fast to my room so I avoid any more questions "yeah you smell like semin...jimin is so mean" I hear her yell after me

I cringe as I hear her words "I'm sorry jimin" I say to one one, under my breath as I close the door behind me letting out a sigh of relief but deep down guilt ate away at me...

///

A week passed, I hadn't seen Jungkook since that day.

he didn't even try to reach me so I didn't bother either, my heart was mayhem but maybe not seeing him was for the better.

Even though it tore me apart inside.

My exams and assignments took most of my time, I barely had time for myself anyway.

I was chilling in my room in the afternoon writing an essay I had to hand in Monday while listening to music.

It was finally the weekend I'm done with my exams but I had a few things to hand out still and I finally got around it.

I faintly hear a knock on my door and pause the song and slide my chair over to the door opening it.

To find her, dressed nicely make up and hair done to perfection, she smiled at me "Jungkook is taking me on a date!" She squealed as my heart dropped.

she pushed the door more open and twirled in the middle of my room, her yellow dress was just above her knees, making her glow like a star "how do I look?!" She smiled as she looked me in the eyes waiting for my answer.

"Stunning" I replied my face drained of color I swolled the lump in my throat heat prickling down my neck as I stare at her, hurt evident on my features, she was checking herself on the tall mirror I had beside my desk.

He was taking her out on a date? A date?!

My mind was still processing what she said, so he does have free time to take her on dates but not text me at all?! Not even once this whole week!

"Really?!" She squealed once again, she was so happy seems like even gravity couldn't hold her down she was skipping with happiness.

The things I'd do to be her...

I only nodded my head, I felt like a shook up can of soda that was going to burst soon, with glossy eyes I tried to keep looking at her but I couldn't. I turned away.

"I have been dying to spend time with him now that my exams are over I'm gonna be by his side every single day" she says her eyes glowing. Probably day dreaming about the 'date'

"Mhm that's nice" I say as I slide my chair back to my desk, I didn't know I was crying, I curse under my breath. I can't let her see me.

"Oh I'm sorry if I disturbed you" she finally noticed that I was studying and turned to me thankfully my hair covered the side of my head so she couldn't see my face "I'll leave you now so you can study okay?" She giggled and walked to the door opening it slowly

"Fighting _____!" She shouted her fist in the air cheering me on as if that would make it easier I only sent her a small smile with a nod then my eyes went back on the screen the letters were so blurry.

"oh and I'm spending the weekend at his place so don't wait for me!" She giggled, I felt my chest tighten as I heard her say that, seconds passed and I heard my bedroom door closed shut. Finally.

I let out a sigh that felt like a sob I tried to distract myself by writing more, I turned up the volume of the music I tied my hair up to cool me down. frustrated I let it fall on my shoulders...nothing worked.

Nothing could shut my thoughts off, all I could think of was her in his arms, in his lap, kissing and touching him.

I could see images of him kissing and holding her like he held me...

"_____ I'm leaving now bye!" I heard her faintly yell from the living room breaking me away from my trance a few moments of silence and right when I heard her shut the apartment door close. I threw my phone at the mirror she was infront of minutes ago it all shattered along with my phone screaming in frustration I fell to the floor sobbing.

he consumed every inch of me he took over every part of me, and it's my falut that I let him get to me this way.

This close.

I felt my body burn and ache until I couldn't feel anything anymore and sleep took over me.

///

I woke up to banging on the door I sat up, confused, I looked around I was on the floor in the middle of my room I looked at the watch on the wall it read 12 am.

I must have slept for a long time.

I heard the banging again but louder this time oh so I wasn't dreaming? I wanted to yell her name so she could open the door instead but I remembered...everything.

I found it hard to stand up, or seems like my heart couldn't bare to do anything I'm so out of it, I feel so numb and so hurt. That even standing was too much for me to take.

I made my way to the door. in the dark living room I turned on the spot lights to provide a bit of light in so I could see better, my eyes were swollen from how much I cried and my vision is still blurry from the tears.I move my hair out of my face as I walk to the door slowly.

I open the door and there he stood.

Jungkook.

He sighs relieved and pulls me towards him.

"Oh my fucking God I was so afraid" he says, holding me tighter.

I was astonished I must be dreaming this, this can't be... she was over at his place how did he get out?

He pulled away and looked at me almost analyzing my face "I was so worried!" He tells me "I called you so many times why didn't you pick up?!" He scolds his grip on my arms was tight

He did?

How come it's ringing didn't wake me up?

Then I remember how I threw it at the mirror and I don't know if it was still working for not, I need a new phone for sure it seems.

I pull away and he looked at me hurt that I pushed him lightly off of me "you didn't text or call this whole week why does it suddenly matter?" I ask raising my eyebrows, arms crossed as I look up at him waiting for the answer that I longed for this whole week.

"_____" he sighed as he rubbed his temple "I'm sorry I couldn't I was dealing with a lot" he stated, clearly he didn't want to talk about it so I dropped the topic because I just don't think it matters anymore. It won't go anywhere because if there's one thing I'm sure of is jungkook keeps to himself and there's no way you'll ever get something out of him.

"Why you were waiting for me to call you?" A playful grin on his features, I stop in my tracks and turn around looking at him in disbelief, is this what he thought of me? who am I kidding this is all I'm ever gonna be for him. Just for pleasure. He can disappear for as long as he wants and expects me to wait for him.

"Not at all..I could care less about you" I say avoiding his eyes walking slowly back to my room until suddenly I'm turned face to face with him "stop avoiding me!" He harshly tells me, his eyes stare into mine and I feel my body give up on me and surrender to his touch.

His gaze was strong and the more he stared at me, his eyes softened"... you were crying weren't you baby?" He asks, His voice was so soft and quiet I felt my heart ignite with life agai, the way he was holding my face between his hands now tracing my cheeks with his thumbs soothingly.

"N-No I wasn't-"  I groggily reply only for him to sigh "you don't have to lie to m-"

"Why are you here?" I ask cutting him off, pushing him away harder this time. I saw the way his face fell "you don't want me here?" He asks "you left her to see me?" He swoalled and bite his lip "yes" he answers in heart beat "..I told her I forgot my text book at taehyung's...and I just...I just wanted to see you" I look at his eyes sparkle for some reason he had this look on his face that just screamed at me to take him in my arms.

I used all my power to resist that urge and I stepped back, I feel tears start in my eyes again "Jungkook..." I whimpered

My heart aches because I know what I was going to say but my heart wasn't in it "we have to stop this" I cried

His eyes went wide and his mouth opened with shock and disbelief "_____ you can't do this...not now-please just listen to me-" he walks forward,his arms reach for mine I walk away from him pushing him away from me "we can't anymore...my heart can't take it!" I shouted tears fall endlessly, his gaze was too strong for me so I look away

"What are you saying _____?!" He shouted angrily "why push me away now? Huh?" He cried "tell me why are you doing this to us!" My back hits the wall behind me his hands come up on each side Trapping me.

I feel the emotions bottle up and boil inside me until they spill and I'm left feeling numb I met his eyes and the words I said next shocked him and myself..

"I love you!" I cried "Jungkook I love you!" I pause "but I can't do this anymore!" I tell him wiping my tears as more fall "please understand- I can't bear it I just-"

His lips closed on mine shutting me up.

The kiss was deep not his needy lustful kisses this was different...he kissed me passionately.

"Let me change your mind- I know I can" he pulled away his forehead touching mine "please baby..you can't do this..you can't do this to me!" I felt his tears drip down on my cheeks, seeing him like this broke my heart completely I let out a cry "but Jungkook it's wrong.." I whisper "she's sound asleep in your bed and you're...here with me" I tell him "this is not fair to her...this isn't fair to me! you have no idea of the pain I'm going through..." I say as I place my hands ontop of his hands that were holding my cheeks he had his eyes closed his breathing is uneven and shaky.

"Do you think I'm not suffering too?" He says his eyes bore into mine and I see the pain I feel swim in his eyes too "do you think this isn't hurting me?" He whispered

I shake my head "then break up with her!" I say loudly, to get it through his thick head.

"I can't!" He shouts "I just can't bring myself to!" He looks away from me as I taste my tears and stare at him heartbroken.

I cry "but you can bring yourself to see me in tears begging you to stay away when I want you?" I laugh "do I mean anything to you at all? do you even care about me?" I yell "do you even love me?" I whimpered, my chest heaving up and down.

"Yes I do _____!" He yells back. We're facing each other "stop I beg of you!" he cried tugging on his hair "seeing you cry because of me hurts like hell!" he says backing me up against the wall "good!" I reply my eyes sharply stare into his making his eyebrows raise "you drive me insane _____" he tells me placing his hands beside each side of my head "why can't I stop thinking of you! You! And the way you talk! your body! your scent! Anywhere I go all I think of is you!" He punched a hole in the wall right next to my face "so don't you dare and say that you don't matter to me..you consume me whole and I can't stay away" he pulls me closer his hands on my hips "let me love you _____..." he whispers.

"Let me take care of you stop being so stubborn angel and let me...please _____" he whispers his eyes held so much lust behind I felt his bulge against my inner thigh he leaves trail of kisses on my neck, I whimper and push him away with the little force left in me he stares at me angry.

I swallow the lump in my throat when he walks towards me again "you're horny and that's the only reason you're here" I state he stops dead in his tracks his face inches away from mine "you're only here for pleasure nothing else" I continue "at first it was an honest mistake but then it turned into a habit then I thought you loved me because why would you keep coming back?" I snorted tears pool in my eyes but I don't let them fall.

He wasn't worth it anymore "Jungkook I'm nothing but a game to you" I whisper "and I want out" I turn away from him his grip on my wrist stops me from walking away and he turns me to face him "tell me what I can do to prove you wrong!" His eyes pierce through mine he licks his lips "tell me what to do!" He says louder

I pull my hand out of his and stare into him intensely "I told you what to do" I swallow "because we can't keep doing this I'm done" I tell him walking to my room and I shut the door behind me.

He stood still even after the door had been shut, he was speechless.

Anger took over him he wanted to break your door open and have his way with you but your message was loud and clear so he turned away and closed the apartment door shut after him not wanting to argue with you anymore.

________

A/N: Hey I feel really stumped with this imagine so I need your opinion please how should I carry this on? I'm sorry for any mistakes and for the short part your opinion on this matters so please help me out here!