#I can't stress enough that no matter how well things go I'm constantly on fucking edge and never want to set a boundary ever again

[trans-leek-cookie]

consistently thinking "man idk why I have so much trouble giving a shit about my social life to the point I'm probably super isolated but just genuinely can't bring myself to give a shit, like this seems like it'd be a reaction to some sort of trauma but there's like a Single Thing that I can think of that I consider in the realm of Meaningfully Traumatic (not in terms of like "real trauma" but in terms of "what would have lasting, identifiable influence on me after over a decade after it happened") to but that doesn't even seem like it would be connected" and then I realize said Single Thing was a result of not having/being taught how to set and enforce my own boundaries (let alone how to properly identify/ask about/respect others boundaries) as a kid and interacting with other kids who were similarly inexperienced in boundaries and exposed to age inappropriate materials and like. Hm maybe my disinterest in social stuff is connected to the fact I have trouble staring and then enforcing my own boundaries in general and I would rather Not Talk To People than have to stand up for myself (even if the person respects my boundaries I hate the experience because it never feels like it gets easier or less terrifying) and when comparing isolation that might be melting my brain to the ordeal of confrontation that no matter the result makes me feel like I want to die the isolation seems almost enjoyable by comparison

[hungermakesmonsters]

Hello, hoeny! Congrats on 500 followers! 🥳🥳 (You deserve much more for this amazing works/pieces of art you did, so let's go for 1k!)

Could you write a stressed Billy before his first date with the reader (preferably when he talks about it with Frank). You know he always teased him about quality over quantity and when Billy first finds someone he cares about more than usual he doesn't want to screw it up and Frank is all "haha, I told you, son of a bitch".

Thank you so much! Have a great week! 🥰

Honestly, even though I'm not always the biggest fan of Frank as a character, I love having him annoying Billy. So I had a lot of fun writing this one, and enjoyed playing around with the idea that Billy thinks reader is too good for him. Hope you like it!! ❤❤❤

Nervous Wreck

Pairing : Billy Russo x Reader (and a side of Frank Castle)

Story Rating : PG 

Warnings : None (just Billy being a cutie, which should be illegal)

His leg bounced beneath the table while his fingers drummed against he wooden surface.

Frank had found it easy to ignore at first, but after five minutes of Billy constantly tapping and fidgeting, he'd had enough.

"Jesus, Bill, can you sit still?"

"Huh? What?" Billy asked.

He hadn't even realised that he was doing it — hadn't realised much of anything, if he was to be honest about it. Since sitting in the booth across from Frank, all he'd been able to think about was you and how, after months of asking, you'd finally agreed to let him take you out.

"Shit, I ain't seen you this antsy since Afghanistan," Frank said, barely fighting back a smile as he took a drink. "Can't believe Billy the Beaut is gettin' all flustered 'bout a date."

"It's not just a date," Billy snapped, instantly realising his mistake the moment the words had left his lips.

It was too much to give away so early, and the last thing he wanted was for Frank to realise just how different you were, and how important tonight was. But, from the grin on his friends lips, Billy could tell that he'd well and truly let the cat out of the bag.

"If it's not just a date, then what is it?" Frank asked through his shit-eating grin.

"Fuck off, Frankie," Billy answered, sinking back in his seat and taking a slow swig of beer, letting his eyes drift away from Frank.

Of course, Frank knew his friend well enough to tell that he was embarrassed, even if it was something that he hadn't seen often.

"No, no — c'mon, Bill. I wanna know," Frank prompted. "What's different 'bout this one?"

All he could do was stare at Frank, at a complete loss — because, really, how could he put someone like you into words?

It had crept up on him slowly, the feeling that now consumed him, your little jokes, your smile, and the way you laughed. Little by little, he'd come to crave those moments. And, as he'd gotten to know you, he started to see more and more; your tenacity, your spirit, and the way that you always stuck to your guns and never backed down when you felt like you were doing the right thing.

The moment he'd seen you, Billy had wanted to fuck you, but the moment he started to know you was the moment he started to fall for you.

But you were smarter than that, better than that. Better than him.

You'd seen his initial advances for what they were; an attempt to get you in his bed so he could fuck you and get you out of his system. But you didn't do meaningless sex, no matter how mind-blowing he promised it would be, and you weren't willing to just be another notch on his bedpost.

But Billy Russo had never been the sort of person to be denied something he wanted.

That was how he fell into your trap.

In the months of trying to convince you to sleep with him, he got to know you, and you got under his skin. And, eventually, he stopped trying to coax you into his bed and just enjoyed the time he got to spend with you.

"Hey, Earth to Bill," Frank said, waving a hand in front of Billy's face, pulling him back to the moment.

He was grinning at Billy, the sort of grin that said more than words ever could. He could tell that Billy was in deep.

"Fuck off, Frankie," he grumbled again.

"Holy shit, she's really done a number on you, hasn't she?" Asked Frank, forcing down a laugh. "Told you man, eventually you've got to go for quality over quantity."

"Yeah, well, just 'cause you were right doesn't mean you get to be a prick about it," Billy snapped.

Both men fell silent again, eyes wandering around the bar as they slowly drank their beers. Frank knew better than to push any more than he already had — as much as he enjoyed annoying Billy, he knew that he was getting close to a breaking point. So, he let him wallow in nervous silence.

"She's decent," Billy finally said, around three minutes later.

"Huh?"

"She's a good person, Frankie. Sweet, kind — so many fuckin' things I don't deserve," he continued with a sigh, running his fingers through his hair.

"The fuck you talkin' 'bout? 'course you deserve it." Frank was quick to say.

Billy shook his head, fixing his gaze on the bottle in his hand, picking at the label with his thumb. Without warning his leg started to bounce beneath the table again.

"She's too good. I just feel like — fuck, I dunno — like my shit's gonna rub off on her and taint her, and she doesn't deserve that," Billy said bitterly.

"Hey — hey —" Frank said, demanding Billy's attention, "that's bullshit, Bill. You're bein' a fucking coward, comin' up with excuses to end things before they start."

"Coward?" Billy repeated. "I'm not a fucking coward."

"Then stop actin' like one, asshole. I get that you're scared of actually carin' 'bout someone other than yourself, but you don't get to chase her for months then back out the moment she's interested."

Billy glared across the table at Frank, hating that the other man could see right through him. If he'd had more to drink, the chances were he'd have pulled Frank out of the booth to punch him — it wouldn't have been the first time the pair had had a drunken disagreement that had come to blows — but you'd be there in fifteen minutes to meet him, so he'd been nursing the same beer for the last twenty-five minutes.

"I know you don't want to hear it," Frank continued, "but I ain't gonna sit back and watch you fuck up somethin' this good."

"I'm not —"

"Hey, just shut the fuck up and listen," Frank demanded, the only person in the world who had the ability to silence Billy Russo. "I get it — you think I don't get it? All the shit you went through as a kid? The shit we went through as Marines? You think you don't deserve her? Fine, then man the fuck up and become someone who does."

Again, Billy was silent, his jaw set and his thumb tearing through the label on the bottle.

Annoyingly, Frank was right right. He knew that Frank was right.

He couldn't throw away this chance now that he had it, no matter how daunting it felt.

"What if I can't be someone who deserves her?" Billy dared to ask.

Frank let out a sigh and shrugged; "only one way to find out."

Billy watched as Frank opened his mouth, obviously about to impart more words of wisdom when he stopped just shy of uttering the first syllable. Instead of saying anything, he smiled and nodded his head towards the door.

"Looks like someone decided to get here early."

Billy's eyes followed Frank's towards the door and he felt his stomach drop at the sight of you; red dress, boots, and a leather jacket, looking amazing. He barely realised he was moving, completely forgetting what remained of his beer and his friend sitting opposite him as he slid out of the booth and got to his feet.

Your eyes found his and you smiled, watching as he made his way to you.

"Hi," you said, nervously chewing your lower lip.

"You're here."

"Of course I am," you answered, with that smile that made him melt inside. "I said I would be, didn't I?"

His breath caught as you reached for him, your fingers trailing down his arm over his red sweater, down to his hand so you could link your fingers with his.

For a few seconds you were taken aback by how uncharacteristically quiet he was being, wondering if there was something wrong or he'd changed his mind, but then you saw the way that he was looking at your hand in his.

"Billy Russo," you said softly, "are you nervous?"

"No," he answered quickly, the dusting of pink across his cheeks easily betraying him.

Without thought or warning, you leaned towards him, pressing a soft kiss to his blushing cheek, before muttering; "come on, handsome, let's go get dinner."

[origin-of-symmetryy]

played all routes of The Coffin of Andy and Leyley here's my review:

TCOAAL is a game about siblings Andrew and Ashley Graves navigating parental neglect, shared trauma, unhealthy codependency, and abusive relationships, be they familial, romantic, or both, set in a grimdark dystopian setting in an ficticious Northern European country in the 90s-00s. The game ultimately revolves around the relationship between the two siblings - plagued with manipulative tendencies, jealousy, incestuous undertones (sometimes overtones) as well as downright physical abuse. There also happens to be demons and cannibalism involved.

Being a "horror" game, TCOAAL sets out to deliberately make you as uncomfortable and distressed as possible, but it doesn't do it in the conventional "horror game" way. TCOAAL places its characters in an endless downward spiral of morally vantablack bad decisions, each one challenging a worse taboo than the last. It will force you out of your moral comfort zone by placing you in the shoes of characters you hate, and makes you commit their atrocities for them. It cakes it's atmosphere in grime, berates and insults you at every turn, and puts you in intensely stressful situations CONSTANTLY. And it WORKS. Never did a moment go by in this game where I didn't feel distressed, sick to my stomach at points, plagued with this overwhelming, unstoppable sense of dread. I can't stress enough how sickening this game is to play the whole way through, with everything these characters do.

But it's so fucking GRIPPING. The atmosphere has me holding onto my own seat, the characters are compelling and 3-dimensional, it's chock full of dark dry humor and the "lore" if you could call it that is nothing short of fantastic. I wanted to look away an endless number of times playing this game, but I couldn't. I NEEDED to know what happened next, the game is near impossible to truly pull yourself away from, no matter how filthy it made me feel.

The game endlessly challenges you by presenting you with some new, horrific thing the characters do and it dares you to stomach it or else you won't find out what happens next, it pushes the boundaries of what you might find acceptable to be shown, and then pushes those boundaries more and more and as it goes it rips this visceral sense of disgust and loathing out of you like nothing else. I've genuinely never played a more emotionally evocative game in my life. One might think the game is just being edgy (tbf it is) and leveraging itself exclusively on shock value, and they'd be, to a degree, right. But trust me when I say this game does it right. This game is in a completely different ballpark than edgy teenage wattpad fanfiction, and you can figure that out less than an hour into the game.

One might also be demotivated by the contents, specifically the very infamous and controversial inclusion of incest in its themes. A common argument against this that I see is "oh, it's just an optional route, you don't have to do it" and I'm here to tell you that's wrong, their incestuous undertones are inescapable and omnipresent throughout the game, no matter what route you take. But trust me when I say nothing is EVER glorified or encouraged, their relationship is never painted as anything but catastrophically unhealthy no matter what route you're taking, and in fact, surprise surprise, it tends to sicken you just like everything else when it comes up. This is NOT fetish game gooner bait, it is downright horrific.

------------------------------------------

In summary: Intensely depressing, distressing, and sickening game that will latch onto you with it's gripping characters, worm it's way into your soul, and put it in a chokehold. I was deeply, deeply uncomfortable for the entire time I played it but I couldn't look away. I could never get these characters out of my head, their arcs, their struggles, every subtle facet of their personalities refuses to leave my mind. I can barely wait for the next update to the story. To dismiss it as "the incest cannibalism fetish game" or whatever, is doing it a world of disservice, and you're in turn doing yourself a disservice by refusing to play it. It's so much deeper than that.

9.5/10, go play it now, i'm so serious.

[skys-archive]

Just a little vent about the "end" of a friendship that's causing me a lot of anxiety. TL;DR: a recently cut ties with someone but he's not really letting go and it feels kind of manipulative. I very clearly do not want to continue this relationship but even now he's saying he will try to talk to me about it again.

There is a guy who I was very close friends with who I have recently (attempted to) cut ties with for a lot of reasons. Mostly because communication is very important to me and he said for him as well, but he never really changed when I brought up that something upset me. So I decided to stop talking to him.

He's in some of the same social groups as me, so he still was interacting with me, though more than necessary which was frustrating.

I blocked him on her because I post more in depth her than anywhere else and honestly I didn't really want him seeing it.

Anyway he texted me tonight and he just, won't let it go. And honestly I would be willing to talk with him but it all just feels so manipulative. Like he's sending messages that are, idk like, "heartfelt" I guess, but they have things in them that are specifically trying to make me feel bad about myself or at least it comes across that way.

"You've already decided to push me away as you do with every relationship that causes you discomfort", "it pains me to see you fill this narrative that me and the worlds against you", "I knew eventually you would stop trying", "You opened up to me or was that all a lie too", "I’m sorry - something I rarely said enough and something I never got from you." (Which to his credit is a raw fucking line. But I did apologize to him a lot.)

And I just really don't appreciate him talking to me like he knows what I'm thinking or what my habits are etc etc.

This has been going on for a while and it's caused me a lot of anxiety for a few months. Even more now because he said that he was going to talk to me in person about it "when he gets the courage". So now I have to constantly wonder when he'll come up to me and trap me in a conversation I've made abundantly clear to him I do not want to continue.

Part of this is exacerbated by psychosis.

My mind is very, very easily influenced. It's scarily easy to get me to believe something. And I'll question it. In this case, did he change and I just didn't notice? Was he trying? But does the intent really matter if the outcome was nothing? I believe him but I know maybe I shouldn't but I also am wondering if maybe I am just making up that he was bad for me. Do I think I was making it up because I'm being gaslit or am I actualy making it up because I have Making Things Up disorder. I don't know.

So all of this is just, very very stressful right now. I can't trust my own brain and he knows it which again makes me suspicious and paranoid.

I want him to just leave it alone but I really don't know how to make him stop. All of this is making me so anxious and paranoid all the time.

[feralkwe]

2023 started off pretty okay for me. i was writing a lot, having catapulted into a new fandom. my career was going well as i was thriving in my role as an opera stage manager. we were preparing for my spouse's retirement, and looking forward to moving to a better living situation. i got to visit one of my very dearest besties and had a wonderful time indulging in media and other fun things we both enjoyed. it wasn't a perfect year, but it was pretty danged good.

then in august, i lost two children.

i'm not being dramatic. for three years i raised my brother's twin boys because he was not in a good place to do so. it was a strain on my family both emotionally and financially. our child had just turned 18, and we were so sure we were finished parenting, then suddenly we had tween twins. we loved them, fought to keep them afloat in school, helped better them as people, gave them structure and guidance they were severely lacking, and most of all, kept them safe. there were days we didn't know how we were going to make it work, because we were not receiving any kind of financial help, but we managed. then when they went to visit their father over this past summer, he decided they were not coming back, and didn't tell us until the day we were supposed to pick them up at the airport.

my world was thrown into a spin.

to say i've grieved this loss is an understatement. i have not written since then. i've had periods where i could not make myself do anything but cry. they have gone straight back into the exact situation we lifted them out of, and every inch of good we put into their lives is being undone. there is nothing i can do about it. with all the sadness and hurt i feel over it, no matter how i know in my heart of hearts that we did the best we could with what we were granted, i feel like an utter failure. like it was all for nothing.

there is a lot more familial drama tangled up in this that i will spare you, because not all of it is mine to tell, but suffice to say, my wounds are constantly being torn open anew, and some days i wonder if i will ever fully heal. no matter how many good things have happened since august, it has felt like there is a hole in me. no matter how many huge and stressful things we are currently juggling after our move, and how devastation continues to touch every corner of our lives right now, it remains the most tender of bruises.

2023, for all the wonderful things that have happened for and to me, can go fuck itself. i can't see the back end of it fast enough. i am watching the clock wind down, thinking that surely, it must be midnight (it's not). this hell must be behind me (it's barely past 9). it's coming slowly, but surely, but my god i feel like i may suffocate before it's over.

i know the turning of the clock on this arbitrarily chosen mile marker won't magically make it go away, but there is something in me that needs it to pass in order to survive. even as i mourn the passing of time, i need it.

anyway, may 2024 give you a breath. may you find something to hold on to that keeps you going. may your wounds be iced. here's to everyone who made it, even if it fucking hurts.

[llycaons]

ep12: why doesn't anyone ever gif the manure scene?

I had such a great time watching this episode. it may be one of my favorites. it's funny. there's important relationship beats between the wens and wwx. there's drama. there's foreshadowing. the kids are not having a good time, but it's not so dire as to be painful to watch. lwj being wounded adds a flair to his character. and it has some nice wwx moments

he says this, and I believe he means it. he just can't help himself I fear

STAY AWAY FROM HER

ohhh bundled herbs from the ceiling

maybe one of the first Great Wei Wuxian Moments. god this was so funny. starting with the smirk at lwj like 'look what I'm about to do baby' such a showoff. and then the stretching. sob. I can't believe more people weren't in love with him

I read somewhere that wwx reciting the lan rules was like an injoke to the rest of the kids - they all shared this experience together than wen chao didn't. it's a reminder of a happier time, a reminder that they're all in this together. it makes jc roll his eyes, but jzx fights a smile

see, wwx complained about CR being strict and unfair, and it was, but they weren't at risk of this kind of physical violence or threats against their family. the food was apparently good. the lans were highly respected and the students learned important lessons about cultivation. although it seemed stressful at the time, it was probably the last extended period of time they were all safe and in a stable position. I mean, compared to being at the mercy of wen chao? man's a maniac. in CR they got to go to lantern festivals and weren't locked in their quarters

he's just very funny in this pose. and then they get called for MANURE DUTY and they're all like

THEY'RE ALL SO UPSET. LWJ IS SO MAD. HELP. wwx is like 'oh my god lan zhan. omg im sorry baby I never planned on this' lmao it's just manure. these rich guys could do a lot worse. it doesn't even smell that bad. and yeah I know I said in the past wwx is a sweetheart guy well now I think he's a baby guy

this visual is so funny

wwx standing up for himself 🥰🥰🥰🥰 god he is so badass he just grabbed that whip out of thin air. that would be a defining scene for a minor character but he does cooler shit on a daily basis so it's just a footnote

JZX STANDING UP FOR WWX! I seriously think in an AU where things didn't go to shit, they would have gotten along after growing up a bit

lwj was so ready to go into that dungeon with him but wwx refused...

HELLO ANIMATRONIC DOG!!!!!

you can't tell in a screenshot, but these walls are shaking as wwx pounds them in a way that makes it clear they're cheaply made and very thin irl. this adds to the charm I think

wq showing up to jc's prison/house and all either of them care about is wwx but then jc is like 'ummmm lady wen are you okay 🥺" and wq is like 'im fine gtg' it's so funny

WEN NING!!!!! HERO!!! I love seeing how early wn and wwx's bond became very strong. bc wwx and wen ning are both people who do the right thing no matter what authority tells them not to

Hellfire Palace....cool name

it is so sad to see wwx pretend like his injuries and mental trauma are nothing but even sadder is seeing jc yelling at him for not taking it seriously enough? dude, I think he knows how horrific it just was. HE WAS THERE. and if he won't take it seriously, doesn't that mean you just want to keep a closer eye on him instead of adding to his stress? god he sucks so bad as a caretaker and emotional support. I swear. I know jc cares about wwx but he constantly disregards his suffering even when he knows it has to be bad. there's being emotionally constipated then there's just being extremely emotionally neglectful of someone who you're supposed to care about. fucking jzx showed more defense and concern for wwx than jc did this episode

here's wwx holding jc back as wc threatens LP. he does the same for lwj, way later on

wen ning standing up to his sister!!! go wen ning!!!!

NHS EPIC FAINTING MOVE!!! love how we are never told how he gets back to qinghe. we just don't see him after this for a while and then he's back home. how? who knows. its nhs

WANG LINGJAO MY HORRIBLE QUEEN

um okay this is so funny. you can see lwj in pain trying to walk, wwx is watching with his heart clearly aching, wuji is going all gently. romantic moment incoming. but the thing is...everyone in this scene is just wandering very slowly in circles. wwx and jc are just standing there. lwj could also just be standing still like wwx is. there is no need to walk anywhere legend <3

jc going 'stop helping people!' kind of makes sense from the paranoid mind of a 16 year old boy, but in a moral, personal, AND political sense it doesn't. wwx sees someone he clearly cares about in need and wants to help them, and it's a sect heir! of course this is a good idea! jc knows that wwx won't walk away from something important to him, and it's just wrong to ignore him anyway when he could be disabled for life

jc seems to grasp at straws to keep wwx from leaving him. he leans on 'he doesn't like you' and 'focus on our family instead' even tho they are literally just standing there and I def think part of it is jealousy. he can tell wwx likes lwj and he's uneasy about wwx being pulled in another direction. also, panicked about their home being invaded and wanting all the support he can get. but wwx stands firm. there is something that needs doing! he will do it! I always liked this about him

oh, wwx removing jc's hand from his arm. the symbolism...

when he said this the first time I lose my mind, I was like "that's what YOU'RE always doing you dork!!!" on my first watch I hadn't known how the general caretaking dynamic would be between them and I still quite like wwx looking out for and protecting lwj. this is something they share, and something wwx mentions about wq too, early on

I just think this is a sweet and genuine smile

[sincelastsession]

My dad is an abusive bastard and a hypocrite and a piece of shit father. I am sick of the abuse.

I am having the worst ptsd episode and I'm considering going to the hospital if a cold shower doesn't knock me out of it.

Fuck this shit Joshua. He FUCKING MANIPULATED YOU

I told you he would

And like now he's got you how he got Robin to think of me is my fear. And goddamn she was awful.

I'm in the worst PTSD flare up of my life and I am continuously abused and I do not know how long the thread I am hanging by is going to last because I have been Through too much to be treated like garbage at my age

I don't think anyone understands that I'm a really nice kind person and I used to have a side of me that was not

And I don't think people understand that if they keep pushing me and I lose touch with reality and have to go to a grippy sock vacation and I get out of the grippy salt vacation I'm not going to be fucking nice to anybody anymore I am so fucking tired of this shit

All I have ever asked is for my parents to educate themselves about their daughter's health conditions just like most families do they will at least read a little bit about it so they can understand or they will clarify and talk to people in a healthy manner

But no it doesn't matter what I do or say I still get treated like shit on someone's shoe

I need to move I was told that it was not happening anytime soon even though before that I was told that it would be happening next month

I told them I cannot last very much longer in this environment and it fell on deaf ears

I would not do well in a grippy sock vacation home I don't do well in those medication changes are not needed and I do not get the rest I need and it makes everything worse

I am scared that I am going to lose touch and control over myself if I have to continue to be subjected to stressful and abusive stimuli

Do you know what happens when you beat a dog enough

They are eventually going to die or bite you back

Perceive an experiment they did where they would shock dogs they would have open cages and the dogs could leave the cages at any time but the dogs didn't know when they would get shocked so they would just howl and cry and their cage is not knowing if they could leave or not without getting shocked

There's a good metaphor for you

I am mad

I do not think that you know enough about me and these fucking people gonna abuse me constantly

I'm not a controlling person I'm not a bad person I'm not like this when I'm doing well

But if people push at me and push it me and push it me I'm going to break

And I don't know what that's going to look like and that scare the absolute fuck out of everybody else as well

My psychiatrist is terrified for me

I am scared for me

Psychiatric facility is disgoing to make everything worse there's no place I can go to get rest and relaxation from everything I can't even afford a hotel room for the evening

I want my supposed to pay for a gym membership and also pay for a phone bill and be financially stable by fucking September

I need a safety net of money in order to get the fuck away from my parents

I don't know how to do under the table stuff and I don't know who to speak to and who's an expert on it and I do not feel comfortable breaking rules

I really really don't like to lie and I really really really don't like to break rules

Maybe when I was a teenager it would have been easier but no I have always gotten in trouble since I was tiny for doing anything that my parents didn't like even if it was a normal thing that kids do

I don't think you understand the amount of micro management abuse control that has happened to me and continues to happen to me at 37 years old I was thrown in fucking therapy at 12 because of their bullshit and them saying oh we don't know why our precious little daughter suddenly is a bitch here go to therapy that will magically fix you and I have been in therapy since and I could probably become a therapist but that's not going to fix the problem

I know what's in my circle of control and that's not very much right now

I can't even control parts of my own self in my circle of control

And my dad had this big giant freakish tantrum that sounded completely paranoid telling me that I was trying to control him when I just asked him to stop talking for a second please because he kept interrupting me and then telling me that I was interrupting him when I was speaking first and it was not his turn to speak and he kept saying I was cutting him off when he was the one cutting me off he's projecting

I'm not doing half of what he says I'm doing

He has literally taken a Doctor when I was in the ER for serious fucking pain because I have degenerative disease and one of my fucking disk got messed up

He took the Doctor out in the hall and told them that I was manipulative and all this other shit that's not true They told them that I was too smart and I would try to control everything and I wasn't planning on that I wasn't caring about that I was in too much pain to give a fuck but I was very very mad that he just went within earshot of me and talked to a medical professional behind my back and told them things that were not true

Because he has to be in control he doesn't believe that I have any of the mental issues that I have that are diagnosed on paper by very very accredited doctors.

I didn't diagnose myself they did

I am so sick of being treated like I'm the worst adult daughter that's disabled on earth

I'm so tired of the resentful abusive treatment

I am so tired of being only treated nice when people are gonna get something out of me

I have a very tiny tiny support system that doesn't even work all the time because people aren't available all the time and I'm aware of that

And I'm aware that my parents are having money struggles but most of that is bullshit and you need to know that because they made bad choices and that affected me and yes I'm an adult but they didn't teach me things and I don't know what I'm supposed to learn and I miss cues and I don't understand a lot of things that seem really easy to other people and they're hard for me and I've tried it's not like I can't it's not like I haven't tried I've been treated like shit

I don't understand why I'm a target for people to treat like shit

Do I just need to start acting like a psycho bitch all the time to everybody to get some God damn respect

Because I don't want to be like that

You know everybody's complaining to me about my sister and I had spoken to my sister days before she attacked me and told her that I would happily sit down with her and help her find all the doctors she needed to find on her insurance and I would help call and make appointments and even take her to the Doctor appointment

I was willing to go that far out of my way for somebody who doesn't really even answer my phone calls or give a fuck about me

I was willing to go out of my way because my parents are incapable of being parents

I basically raised her as best I could when my parents weren't teaching her how to treat me like shit and teaching her bad habits that are affecting her now

You know why we're so much alike we're so much alike because my parents didn't really change their parenting style and she's healthy and she can work but she's pretending to be disabled now because she thinks I'm pretending

And there's just so much bullshit and I'm so tired of it I am so fucking tired of it Joshua

I understand that you don't have a magic wand and you can't fix all of this but I'm just telling you the truth of what is going on

I can be defensive and interrupting and all of that and some of it I can help and some of it I can't and I don't know if it's a neurological condition or if it's literally because I haven't been able to be calm in I don't even know how long

And I live in Louisiana which has the worst mental health care in the fucking United States it seems like maybe I'm wrong but it feels that way

And I don't feel like anybody believes me and I don't feel loved and I don't feel cared about And I don't even feel like a person to have at the time and I don't understand what's so hard about people just learning about me why is it so hard for my family to just calm down and shut the fuck up and listen and and learn

We could be having wonderful conversations together and spending time together if they would just stop treating me so badly

And they always act like they're so innocent and perfect and then I'm the one that gets the fussing

I have always been the fucking whipping boy for everybody

And I'm sick of it

I feel like the goddamn velveteen rabbit

I was loved and then they threw me the fuck away and there's no fairy coming to turn me into a real person instead of a destroyed shell of a person

I have worked my ass off for years only to be shoved backwards over and over and I'm still under their thumbs

Do you know what my father said to me

He told me that I should just pretand and seduced Travis and I was like no he's like a brother. And my dad was like oh you'll get over that why don't you just marry him and then you know when you have sex you can just keep your eyes closed he said something like that to me and it was the most fucked up thing I have ever heard of father tell their daughter other than all the other fucked up things he said to me

I am going to download a phone call recording app on to my phone at some point so you can hear what it's really like

Because the recordings I sent you are absolutely just the lightest version of what I have to deal with

And you said it was safe for me to talk to him again

It is not he was just on his very best behavior he was just fucking manipulating you and I warned you about that I did unless you know about it and plan to talk to me about all of that I don't know

But right now I am in distress I'm having a meltdown and APTSD episode I'm having flashbacks I can't get it to stop I'm going to have to take an extra medicine I'm going to have to go smoke my brains out I'm going to have to go take a bath or throw myself into the shower I'm going to have to go get some ice and put it on my neck and I shouldn't have to be doing any of this

None of these bad things ever should have happened to me

And my dad said that I was punishing him on the phone he said I was punishing him because I was trying to talk to him

That's so hurtful

I just wonder how many more ti'm it's gonna take until I just go completely dead inside and the psycho bitch comes out to play and teach everyone that they should have treated Kim better because she's innocent and harmless and kind and they are KILLING HER THEY ARE MAKING THIS ALL HAPPEN and no one believes her. She can't trust anyone. She can't get anyone to open thier eyes a see. She hates that this is how she is and she's breaking into pieces and I shouldn't even be here and there's no medicine that's going to fix her better

And I don't feel loved.

I don't hate myself or really think of myself in the classic "you need to love yourself"

How can I love myself when I don't know who that is.

How can I even trust anyone when all I've known is hurt

Fuck this earth

Fuck it all to hell

I don't understand this world

I don't understand the social norm rules and the cues that I'm supposed to get

There's no manual for people like me

And then half of the rules don't even make sense

And people don't even understand what doctors and medical studies are telling them about their loved ones that suffer just like me because they don't care enough to go and learn

And they always make themselves the victim after they have created me into a monster it's very much like Frankenstein I'm the monster and they are Doctor Frankenstein

And the thing is it all seems to boil down to money and that was never my fault

I have watched my parents fuck up their lives since I was a child and I tried to tell them what they were doing was wrong but I was a child and nobody would listen to me and I was to be quiet and seen and not heard or I was to be putting on a show or whatever they wanted me to do

I can't even make art to sell under the table or anything else because I feel horribly wrong and guilty for trying to do that Also I'm entirely too stressed out to offer any of the services or things that I am good at

Also I don't really enjoy any of it anymore because it's just been beaten into my head that that's supposed to be what I'm supposed to do I never got to choose what I wanted to be or do it was always pushed on to me

I have had what feels like 0 autonomy I just have times where nobody's controlling me and I can kind of do what I want

But I'm always terrified that I'm going to get into trouble

Even though I never did anything so heinous and bad that would've gotten me into the kind of trouble that I would get into even if I didn't do the dishes

Do you know what it's like to be called a worthless stupid bitch that's not going to go anywhere in life and all the other curses and things you could possibly come up with in your head from the age of like ability to understand till now still

And to be attacked by your sister who is 22 and an fucking adult and then your father who actually gave you damage to your neck and if he had pulled your hair harder he would have killed you or paralyzed you I have it in medical records

I could send him to jail I could send her to jail but no one's going to believe me because they will manipulate and lie

Because I already got threatened that he would call the cops and throw everything out of the house that is mine so I would have to pick it up off the ground every single day driving across town to make sure that the garbage truck doesn't take my belongings away that I can't bring into this apartment because they smell of pure cat piss because my parents just hoarded animals and then neglected to clean up after them and expected me and my sister to do all the work and now my sister is taking over the house and making it into her house when it is not her place to do and she is stealing things from my mother and from me and my dad is saying that this is all OK and there was no way for me to come and get all of my things and bring them all upstairs to my upstairs apartment without it smelling like pure catPiss ammonia because there's no way to air all of it out in the type of apartment I live in and I don't want to have to not get my deposit fee back when I move.

And then like hud housing and housing authority and section 8 I've tried to talk to all of them and the areas of town that they have places that would possibly be available for a voucher etc are not safe and are not what I need

And I'm not trying to be a brat about it

And I wish people would understand that the way I think is not anything like anybody else

And when I say that I don't think in a normal everyday typical person's way

I don't have this evil part of my brain that sits around and thanks about what awful thing will I do next

It doesn't really cross my mind until I am amped up and freaking out because I've had too much stimuli or I'm triggered and I'm having a fucking episode

I was diagnosed by a Doctor who worked for the VA the big VA clinic up North With complex PTSD and the coroner is the one helped me with that

And I haven't had this diagnosis very long and I have always wondered what the fuck was wrong with me because I've been on medication for fucking everything and it probably fucked my brain up

And all I want to do is get better make money go to school Make more money be financially stable and have a partner and live my life in fucking peace

I just want to be like my friends

And I see the looks on their faces when they're talking to me that they can't hide and I can read exactly what's going on with them

I know what they all think of me

I have overheard conversations

I have overheard my own family talking shit about me and my sister and my sister's friends and pretty much everybody

Nobody likes me and that's fine I've come to terms with that it hurts like a motherfucker but I know that nobody really likes me

Nobody tries to get to know me

Nobody asks me questions about myself

If somebody was given a piece of paper and ask to write about Kim how accurate do you think they would be how much shit do you think that they would just make up on the fly and hope was correct

Why is it that I know everybody's dirty little secrets and everything about everybody I do the most and nobody could give a fuck about me

How is it that's okay

How do social systems work in my age group because I'm not understanding

Am I supposed to find a cool outfit to wear and stand around and act like some sort of goddamn hipster that is very self-important

And I'm excluding Travis from this because that's a whole different story becauseHe hasn't been around me but for a short time And I'm just waiting for the other shooter drop with him as my friend so far it has not but Travis has also been through hell he's had great parents who do give a fuck about him and show him love and affection and he has a brother who is autistic so his parents are very understanding his family is very nice and kind and wonderful and holy shit I wish I could have feelings for him in a romantic sense and run away into the sunset but that's not gonna happen because gross that's like my brother

And then my partner is dealing with all sorts of stuff and is very busy and wishes for me to find another primary partner here and understands that I'm not doing well and that's not happening any time soon but I'm miserable and I would like to find a friend with benefits or another primary partner here or even just a girl to have little biromantic dates with because I am lonely

And then I do make friends and then I'm scared because I don't know how to talk to them I don't know what I'm supposed to do

I was bullied my entire life I was bullied from elementary school till high school and passed that

It's like I'm literally so stressed out that I'm having my heart problems resurface and that's scary and I have an emergency PCP appointment so I can switch to this new heart Doctor so I can get the heart problem that is very distressing checked out

Also I have so much grief about so many people dying and so many horrible things happening to me I don't know what to do with it

I have tried to grieve I've tried to throw it away but I can't because it's all trauma related and it's all stuck in my head and I wish I could pluck it out

And I am so angry I am angry I am so fucking angry

But I think that I'm angry for valid reasons

I feel like people only see one side of me which is an intelligent person who can speak a lot and that must mean that she can do everything else because she can do that and a couple other things but that's not how I work

[maryellencarter]

okay so i'm going back and rewatching "the target is 555 meters away" because i did not really manage to talk about that episode at all because part 2 was being such a slog but oh god it has ALL THE FEELS EVER

spoilers ahead

okay so the episode starts with a lovely moody scene where lupin is like "jigen, let me see your aim" and puts a sticker on his forehead and has jigen shoot at it with a sniper rifle from like half a kilometer away, and like. THEM! jigen's complete lack of hesitation! it's not made obvious before the shot that lupin is standing behind bulletproof glass, but jigen just trusts lupin so much that it doesn't matter. he'd take the shot if lupin wanted him to, whether he knew any of the rest of the plan or not.

and the way jigen takes the shot and the music goes totally silent while the bullet travels, and then it lands dead center and jigen's theme ("tornado") starts to play while he rides his lil bicycle over to lupin

and fucking THEN! they talk about the bulletproof glass, how the bullet barely went deep enough in to get stuck, how the real target will be three times as thick and 555 meters away... and then Lupin asks him "Can you do it, Jigen?" (or "Will you do it"... this is why anime peeps start learning Japanese istg), and Jigen asks "If I say no... *pause, more subdued* what will you do?" And Lupin just sticks his hands in his pockets, shuts his goddamn eyes, and with this little absolutely trusting peaceful smile on his face says "You won't say it" and starts walking away. And Jigen just mutters "Then don't ask" and bikes after him as the music fades down and it's just the wind blowing again.

like. everything! about this scene! they know each other so damn well! they fucking trust each other so damn much! they both know jigen is the only person in the world who has a hope in hell of pulling off what lupin is asking (which is gonna be WAY harder than this scene makes clear, we'll get there), and they both know jigen will ALWAYS be there for lupin.

but lupin asks anyway, doesn't just assume jigen will do it. and jigen *knows* that if he can't or won't do it, there's nobody else on earth lupin can turn to who has the skill level he needs. but he asks anyway, because that's the shape of the relationship between them. because he needs to hear that lupin knows he can do it. and they just... they fucking trust each other so much and they don't ever have to question it but sometimes they do just to hear the shape of their faith in each other around the answers. BAAAAABIES! *smishes them*

So anyway, the heist target is a diamond exhibition in a Space Needle looking tower building, although luckily it doesn't rotate. The floor and ceiling will both be electrified enough to kill Lupin if he touches them, and the walls are ridiculously thick bulletproof glass which can't be broken even with dynamite. We'll see at one point that it even takes Goemon several minutes to hack through one with Zantetsuken, which has been able to slice anything else in the entire show so far except sticky yam paste. (It was a thing.) Lupin disguises himself as Zenigata to get the details of the security plan, and also places another lil dot sticker on the window for Jigen to aim at when the time comes. Luckily, nobody notices the sticker, because we need it for Jigen to be a badass.

So then we start getting the actual setup for the sniping job Jigen is going to do. He's on top of an abandoned warehouse, on top of a CRANE, which is constantly swaying in the fucking wind. The sticker Lupin placed is so small and so far away it's barely visible even through his sniper scope. "So that's the target. I should just quit now," he grumbles to himself. Of course he doesn't quit, because Jigen has never willingly let Lupin down in his life, but he's sweating (he always gets sweaty when things are stressful, which honestly is one of those tiny things that make me very fond of him), and the grim way he sounds really sells just how damn impossible this stunt is going to be.

(Kiyoshi Kobayashi, Jigen's Japanese voice actor for fifty years, is a fucking *legend*. I may find Richard Epcar's gravelly Jigen voice sexier, but there's nobody like Kobayashi-sama for quiet emotion. I don't do open canons, but part of me is super tempted to watch at least some of the currently-airing Part 6 just to see how his handpicked replacement, Akio Otsuka, can possibly measure up.)

Anyway, then we get MORE of the details of this impossible fucking sniper job. Jigen has four boxes of bullets with him, plus a special bullet with an adhesive inside it and a zipline attached. His job is to shoot the bulletproof glass repeatedly in the same exact spot until he fucking DRILLS A HOLE through it. With bullets. Oh, and he's shooting against the wind (which he tests by tossing up little scraps of unlit cigarette and seeing which way they fly). Did I mention the crane he's on is swaying?

There's more to the heist, of course -- Lupin and Goemon have their work cut out for them getting Lupin into the elevator that's the only way inside the room with the diamonds -- but this episode is really Jigen's showcase and I'm here to squee about him. So after a little bit of plotty stuff with the others, we see that Jigen's down to his last box of bullets, hasn't made a crack in the glass, and is starting to worry he'll run out of bullets before he can get the job done. The wind's changed, too, just to make it a little harder for him to hit the same spot every time.

Lupin makes it into and up the elevator, and asks "How's it going, Jigen?" and because these two are also little shits who just happen to love each other deeply, Jigen snarks "don't rush me, I'm doing more delicate work than you are". In the meantime, Zenigata notices the growing pile of still-warm bullets on the ground below Jigen's target marker, and hollers for the elevator to be brought back down -- remember, Lupin has no survivable way *out* of the elevator until Jigen gets the zipline placed for him.

Just then, one of Jigen's bullets finally sticks in the bulletproof glass. Once there's a weak spot, Lupin says "You did it, Jigen!", but Jigen knows it's not over yet. He's sweating like hell, because *finally* one of the bullets stuck and gave him the opening he needs, but Zenigata is calling the elevator down and they're out of time. Lupin is trying to physically hold the door open to keep the car from moving down -- we saw that elevator door squish Zenigata earlier, so we know it's strong and has no safety function.

Little noodly monkey Lupin promptly gets squished as well, and the elevator starts down. Jigen, because he is the best fucking sniper in the world and because he trusts Lupin to be the best thief, doesn't panic, just makes annoyed Jigen noises (which are very adorable) and starts the next part of the process, which is where he has to drive the stuck bullet the rest of the way through the glass using more bullets as a hammer.

Lupin manages to drop Zenigata out of a hole in the elevator floor that Lupin made earlier, and heads back up. One of Jigen's bullets finally goes all the way through the window and falls on the floor, where it promptly gets disintegrated by the electricity, just to remind us why Jigen was vital to this plan. "I've done it, Lupin!" Jigen says, paralleling Lupin's earlier "You did it, Jigen!" when his first bullet stuck, because how gay is it really if you're not bookending each other's statements in a thematically appropriate manner. :D

Jigen pretty much hasn't been talking this whole time except to infodump about the wind conditions and tell Lupin to be patient, but now that the hard part is over and all (all!) he's got to do is thread the needle with one more bullet, he starts telling Lupin a little story about his childhood. Apparently when he was a tiny Jigenlet, he used to go to the shooting gallery at the fair and shoot for prizes, but he always came up a bullet short for the prize he wanted to win. We see the almost empty bullet box by his hand while he's explaining this.

"What were you shooting for -- Pernod [absinthe]?" Lupin asks, because he's inextricably French and also apparently is picturing a rather older Jigen at a rather different type of shooting competition. Sometimes I wonder if Lupin was ever actually a kid or just a little jungle monkey.

And Jigen, and this is one of the lines *everybody* gifs because it's fucking amazing no matter how you interpret it, Jigen just says "A pink-dressed French doll" and fires the zipline bullet. There's that long second of absolute silence while the bullet flies, goes through the hole seamlessly, and sticks to the far wall with a splat of adhesive.

Lupin just fucking STARES, and it's unclear whether he's shocked that Jigen wanted a doll or that he just made that shot so perfectly, or both. "What's the matter, Lupin?" Jigen jokes, tightening up the zipline so it'll hold Lupin's weight. "Even the guys at the shooting gallery would say 'hey, good shot'."

We cut back to Lupin's face, and now he's grinning like hell. "You did it!" he cheers. "Jigen, you are the number one sniper in the world, and when we get home I'll buy you a French doll." And Jigen just sits back on top of the crane and lights a cigarette -- the first one we've seen him actually light all episode, rather than just shred for wind direction -- and gets this absolutely fucking adorable little smirk on his face.

And I just. I JUST FUCKING CANNOT EVEN. THEY ARE SO GAY. If I was a person who did academic queer studies and shit I would have essays about symbolism and god knows what all. Even just as a person who just has watched a ridiculous amount of Lupin III recently, I can tell you that cigarettes in the Lupin/Jigen relationship are very often a metaphor for sex/romance/whatever it is they have going on (not always, because Jigen smokes like a chimney and sometimes it's just a cigarette, but when they're holding a lighter for each other's cigarettes or god forbid doing the lil thing they do in fanart where their cigarette tips kiss while they light one from the other, it's *always* a metaphor for the relationship), and oh god Jigen my heart that little sit back and relax and light a smoke and that little self-satisfied GRIN are absolutely, abso-fucking-lutely a metaphor and not a subtle one either. You enjoy that cigarette, baby, you've earned it.

Oh, and then when Jigen's packing up (because there's still the second half of the episode to go with the rest of the heist, but Jigen's *koff* shot his load *koff* finished already *koff* okay pick your own damn metaphor then ^_^), we find out he made it with ONE bullet to spare. Like, damn, baby. Lupin's luck and Jigen's skill, they are un-fucking-stoppable together.

(And then he uses that final bullet to kill one of the spotlights so Goemon can do the back half of the heist aka getting Lupin an escape route. Because Jigen, man. He's not out until he's out.)

So yeah, that was approximately the gayest fifteen minutes of television I've seen lately. Then once they've all three gotten away and they're on their yacht splitting up the haul (because the key to marital happiness between thief husbands is definitely separate bank accounts), there's an adorable little coda where we discover that Goemon fucked up his wrist so bad carving Lupin's escape route that he's wearing a sling, and Jigen's trigger finger is also janked up and he doesn't even want to look at a gun for a while. But at least they get to keep the loot, which is honestly pretty rare in part 2.

[thunderheadfred]

❄️Todoroki HC's🔥

Aged-up pro hero Shouto. NSFW under the cut. Minors do not interact.

- - -

General

Might as well be tied with Bakugou for the #1 pro hero spot; they seem to pass the crown back and forth every other year. Everyone knows about their intense frenemies uber-rivalry. Well. Everyone but Shouto.

He's asked to speak at a lot of charity events. If he has time to prepare (and hire a speech writer) he is capable of stirring crowds to standing ovations. But if caught unawares... he gets cornered into hilarious on-the-spot interviews. He's been memed. Mercilessly.

He's an OP character, but unfortunately he rolled -500 in fashion sense. Eventually he wises up and hires a stylist. When he finally cuts his hair a slightly different and even more flattering way, it's a national event. People faint in the street.

Does god-awful sleight-of-hand magic tricks when he meets young fans, even though nobody asked him to. The second-hand embarrassment is palpable. But he keeps doing it. God, why does he keep doing it?

Has hovering arm syndrome in every fan photo.

Super into pop music. Not a fan of any particular group or artist, couldn't tell you the name of a single song. But every time he turns up the volume on the radio it's like... really? THIS? Probably pumps that shit through his hero agency to keep up morale. Has no idea what you mean when you tell him his music taste doesn't match his personality.

Similarly, he enjoys brainless romantic comedies and old silent movies. Doesn't laugh at jokes but loses it over physical comedy. Thinks Buster Keaton and Harold Lloyd are the funniest people who ever walked the earth.

He's long and limber. Runs practically a hundred miles every day just to "relax." Doesn't even get sweaty doing it. A filthy yoga addict. He'll probably live to be 200 years old.

He can regulate his body temperature for quirk use but in everyday life he's always half a degree outside the Goldilocks zone. It drives him quietly insane; he has an epic love-hate relationship with his thermostat.

Has a therapy animal pet. Doesn't matter if it's a dog or a cat or a bird or an iguana or a teeny tiny rodent. It's the best-behaved animal in the country and speaks more languages than you. It has its own room and an instagram account with millions of followers.

Lives in a traditional Japanese estate that doubles as a national treasure. Probably has government-appointed snipers at the gate, and he's just like, "don't worry about it." You are afraid to touch anything. Fuck, don't even look at anything, just to be safe.

Has an outstanding personal chef who only gets to cook five things unless (thank fuck!!) company comes over. Impossibly picky eater. He rotates between a few "safe" foods and suspiciously side-eyes everything else. If you cook something unfamiliar for him it will be the most awkward meal of your life, because he'd never tell you he doesn't like it. But oh lord, just look at his face.

This clashes directly with his love of traveling. Frequently uses his hero earnings to visit exotic foreign locales over long weekends... but rarely tries the food.

- - -

Dating

A grey-ace demisexual disaster. You could count the number of people he's been attracted to on one hand. He falls madly in love every time and always gets his heart smashed to pieces when his crush can't magically intuit the meaning of his frigid longing glances and generically courteous romantic gestures.

Which is stupid, because he gets propositioned constantly. He can't walk out the door without being flirted with. People keep slipping him their phone numbers and he always directs them to his agency like a moron. It's a good thing he will never understand how attractive he is because that's the only thing keeping him from total world domination.

Conventional attractiveness does not compute. Shouto doesn't have a type, doesn't care that he's an eleven whilst you are merely mortal. He will fall for your personality above all else.

Probably falls head over heels because your schedules overlap in a completely ordinary way and he witnesses you doing something endearing or brave or most likely: utterly mundane.

Pick a favorite, because you're his favorite coworker, or his favorite barista, or his favorite random bystander in line at the grocery store. You made him smile once; then he spent the next three months daydreaming about your future together before you accidentally stomped on his foot, initiating your first real conversation.

He's big on healthy communication. HUGE. He goes to therapy and it shows. Will talk through literally everything to the point of delirium. Sometimes his dedication to resolving every issue right away can get overwhelming; sometimes you just need some frickin time alone. But it pays off, because the two of you have practically never have a "real fight." There's just no way for bad vibes to fester.

STILL, his family wasn't exactly... erm... verbally or emotionally supportive, shall we say. For that reason, he might not give you all the compliments you deserve, because it simply doesn't occur to him to do so. He assumes you know how he feels. If you're self-conscious or insecure in the relationship, it might take him a while to notice. But when he figures it out (or even better, when you tell him directly) he will make it up to you with enthusiasm.

Will take you on lavish dates. Spoils you rotten without actually intending to. He's clueless about money. If you wanted a sugar daddy, you just hit the fucking jackpot. But if the word valet makes you uncomfortable, perhaps suggest some romantic picnics instead. He can still go all out with the food and five-star location without making you see cartoon dollar signs.

Chronic Insomniac. Stays up too late watching YouTube every night. His viewing history is an incomprehensible blur of k-pop music videos, serial killer icebergs, and super girly crafty ASMR channels. When he's watching a video, he is unreachable. Please call back later and try again.

He's disgustingly cute when he sleeps. Doesn't snore, but drools. Sometimes the drool freezes and leaves frost trails on his face in the morning. Still sleeps with the giant stuffed cat pillow that his mother gave him when he was like, zero. He'll inadvertently suffocate you with it, and you will welcome death with open arms because awwwwww!!!!!

The first time he tells you he loves you will be after your traditional Japanese shinto wedding. You won't hear it again until you start a family. Honestly, it's a good thing he doesn't say it often and is always holding you when it happens. It's a knee-buckler.

- - -

Icy-Hot

I don't even need to say it. Shouto is as old-fashioned as they come. You will never open another door or pull out another chair for yourself as long as you live. He will ask before he holds your hand. He will ask before he kisses you. He will stop and check in if you so much as breathe funny during sex.

If you don't orgasm at exactly the same time while staring into one another's eyes, he'll consider himself a failed lover. God forbid you want him to pound you into the futon... cause you are going to have to present that scenario to him in writing first.

Physical intimacy rarely leads to sex. He loves cuddling, craves physical affection. He'll sprawl all over you and turn into goo while you hold him close. He's an amazing, astounding, phenomenally good kisser. And that's... nice and all... but sometimes you have to grab his face and say, "Shouto, I'm horny," before he's like so that's why you're currently dry-humping me?

Even if he isn't technically a virgin the first time (or the millionth time) you sleep together, you won't know the difference. He's a blushing violet. Every. Fucking. Time. This doesn't mean he's a bad lay, oh no. But there's always ten minutes of confused bumbling before he hits his stride and remembers oh yeah, I DO know how to fuck good.

Absolutely silent during sex. Focused. Intense. Sometimes you have to push him a little to make any kind of noise at all, just so you know you're pleasing him (oh don't worry, you are).

His cock is Just Right. Not to big or too small. Perfectly proportioned and symmetrical. Somehow pretty. Like a fucking factory prototype. It truly is not fair.

Gets handsy and restless at night, even if you both have work the next day. Seems to crave sex at three in the morning. You've given him more than one exhausted handjob.

Gets offended if you don't cum. Will go down on you for hours. Of course he uses his quirk to tease you. He doesn't typically use it during actual intercourse, but he's all about foreplay, and he'll use every tool in his arsenal.

His sex drive is completely fucking unpredictable. Sometimes he's all over you, other times he's an icy slab. His line of work leaves him busy and stressed on a near-constant basis, so you can't entirely blame his personality for this one. Just give him some time and help him take care of his basic needs. He'll come back around soon enough.

[xpeachesncream]

restart | four

[ SEQUEL TO PERFECTLY WRONG ] | [ series masterlist ]

summary: as you and taehyung start to build your life together post graduation, things become more complicated than what you expected it to be. while taehyung struggles with his inner demons, you’ve become the sole supporter, the pillar, juggling different jobs to keep you two afloat. your love for each other has been put to the test as your relationship continues to face hurdles - hurdles that have you questioning whether or not your relationship will make it through.

pairing: reader x fiancé!kth

genre: post grad au, established relationship au | fluff, angst, smut

words: 4.8k

warnings: cussing/mature language, jealousy, lots of insecurities and overthinking, angst, crying, bar scene, alcohol consumption, flashback scene in the middle of the chapter, a lil sprinkle of fluff, implied sexual content, bickering/arguments

note: honestly, this was ALSO not supposed to get this long but like… 🙃 here we are lol

tags: @enchantaeduniverse​ @thedarkwinterrose​ @sapphirejeon​ @jwlmnbt​ @bluesharksandfish​ @ra-mun-e @brightcolorsoffendme​ @jungcrookthecookbook​ @sunniejinnie​ (please message me if you would like to be added to the taglist!)

"Okay, I think that's it." You said, hands on your hips as you and Jungkook walked through your door for the final time.

"What are you selling, the world?" He huffs and puffs.

"For someone who works out often, you complain a lot." He rolls his eyes playfully.

"Where's Tae?"

"Sleeping still." He nods.

"Oh, okay. Ready to go then?" You nodded silently as you grabbed your bag to hitch a ride to the café with Jungkook since he was working today. He starts to talk about the girl who works with you two and how he thinks she's a little cutiepie. He has such a silly crush on her that his cheeks are lightly rose tinted every time he talks about certain encounters they've had. You're happy to see him happy, and you tell him to keep pursuing it since she's a super sweet girl. However, part of you is sad solely because you couldn't say you were 100% happy at this moment. You wish you were, but these problems were hindering you from feeling complete. You just wanted to get past this page in the book.

As soon as you both get to the cafe, you start unloading his trunk and getting everything inside. Jungkook claims he has the last two bags covered, so you walk to the back and take breather just to gather yourself before setting up. But you truly didn't expect to lose it right then and there.

"Okay! I got all the— Y/N?" Jungkook instantly worries when he sees you crying into your hands in the backroom and hurries over to you. "Hey, woah. What's going on?" He gets in front of you, gently trying to pry your hands off of your face.

"Fuck, I'm sorry." You continue to cry as he successfully removes your hands from your face.

"Sorry for what? What's going on?" He wipes your tears with his sweater and lifts your chin to look at you in the eye.

"Nothing."

"The day barely started and you're already crying in the backroom." He says softly. "Don't try and lie to me."

"I just don't know what's going on between me and Tae and it's stressing me out."

"What's going on? Same stuff?" You nod, tears still streaming down your cheeks. You tell him about how he had been super weird about taking Jimin's help and how you both got into a huge argument about it. Then, you told him how last night ended [sparing your poor bestfriend the details] and how you couldn't help but feel used because he simply dismissed you, which is very unlike Taehyung when it comes to arguments and disagreements. "I'm sorry, Y/N. I know he's going through a rough time, but Tae also needs to respect you and look at you as his partner, not someone who's also attacking him or against him. Do you want me to talk to him?"

"No." Simply, no. Because you never get your friends involved like that. You just don't, no matter how much they wanna help. "He looks at me like I am, especially after this whole Jimin thing. I don't wanna say it's stupid because I don't wanna discredit his feelings, but god. Like, should I just do this on my own? Tell Jimin to forget it?"

"No." Jungkook shakes his head. "You're already getting a good start on your goals, Y/N. Don't let that go because of everything going on. Give him some time and space."

"I have been. For awhile now." You sat, feeling completely defeated already, tears still coming down your cheeks.

"Here, I'll go set up and I can take over the table for a bit. I'll ask Isabella if she can cover for a quick second." He stands in front of you, hands out to help support you as if you had lost your footing.

"No, I'll be fine—"

"Y/N, just sit. Okay?" He gives off a small sigh. "Just sit for a second and let yourself take a breather." He gently sits you down and makes sure you don't get up by slowly backing away from you.

"Kook, this isn't Marco Polo."

"I'm just trying to make sure you don't run off because you're stubborn!"

"Hey!" Isabella comes running in, a little confused as to what's happening.

"Hey, can you cover me at the front for a bit?" Jungkook stands back upright in a normal position to ask her sweetly, hands tucked behind his back as he bounced on his feet. This boy.

"Yeah, of course Jungkook." She blushes.

"Thanks. I'll be right back." He gives you a quick look before dashing off. You lay your head onto your arms as they rest on the table, a small headache forming at the center of your forehead.

"You okay, Y/N?" Isabella asks softly as she puts her things away.

"Yeah, sorry. Just a really weird day yesterday."

"I'm sorry." You feel her hand caress your back. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?" She says before shuffling herself out of the room. To be honest, you had no idea what was going on with you, and why you were feeling this way. You were just so sick and tired. Sick and tired of being sick and tired.

This was slowly taking a toll on you, and you weren't even sure if Taehyung realized what he was doing was hurting you in the process.

He can't say he does.

Tae set the weights down back onto the rack aggressively before sitting on the bench, watching Jimin finish his set. They had been working out after lunch, Jimin calling him shortly after Taehyung had fully woken up.

"Are you gonna go to the café after this?" Tae shrugged.

"I don't know, Y/N said she didn't need help and wouldn't be there all day."

"You won't even visit for a bit?" Jimin asks. Usually Tae was rushing to get back to you, but he knew everything that had been going on had been affecting your relationship to an extent.

"We'll see."

"You two coming to the bars tonight then?"

"What are we celebrating again?"

"Nothing. Just getting together like old times. I told Kook, Hobi and Yoongi. They're down." Tae nodded.

"Joon, too?"

"Joon, too."

"Me and Y/N will probably go but I don't think we'll stay long. She has to do that thing at the school—" He scratched his head. "The thing— the exhibit and talking to incoming art students or whatever." Jimin chuckled at how Tae couldn't get his words out.

"It's not whatever."

"You know that's not what I mean." Tae rolled his eyes at him, annoyed all over again at how Jimin had been kissing your ass lately. Cause fuck, the way Jimin had been painting himself as a knight in shining armor, an angel even, was pissing him the fuck off. It made him feel like he wasn't doing enough to support you, or like you couldn't turn to him for help. He hated that feeling, even though he had been rude as hell and showing it in a different way.

"That's fine. Just come out and hang out for a bit." Jimin sighed as he sat on the bench next to him, drinking some water before placing the bottle back down on the ground. "You two doing okay?"

"Yeah, what makes you think we aren't?" Tae asks, getting defensive. Jimin quickly eyes him, reading his body language. He knew Taehyung so well - so fucking well that he knew almost immediately when things were taking a toll on him. Things liiiike.. his parents. As a prime example. Jimin knew Taehyung and his parents obviously didn't have the best relationship, and he knew he took things to heart whenever his father got on him about stupid shit [just like he did over that dinner]. Taehyung wasn't one to show emotion much; he liked showing people he was mentally tough and that he could handle whatever came his way. For the most part, it was true. But, Jimin and Namjoon also knew he wasn't always like that, especially when it came to things that mattered the most to him - his family and you. Taehyung hated to admit it but his family's opinion of him was important no matter what. He was hard on himself because he wanted them to be proud. He wanted to actually feel like he had been doing something good for once. He was still longing for that feeling no matter what he said or did. It was a never-ending battle; like a plot with no happy ending in sight.

"I'm just asking." Jimin threw up his hands, showing that he wasn't suggesting anything behind the harmless question.

"We're fine. I know she's been stressed lately because of work and her art."

"Mmm."

"It's funny." Taehyung chuckles at himself.

"What's funny?" Jimin laughed a bit, confused.

"I didn't expect to be caught up in her like this. After Hana, messing around with all these girls. She's my fucking fiancé."

"Yeah and you better not fuck that up." Jimin stands to gather his things.

"You sound like my dad." Tae jokes, even though he was pretty offended.

"I'm sorry, didn't mean to." Jimin instantly apologizes, knowing everyone had been walking on eggshells around Taehyung lately. "She's a good girl, you've got it good."

Taehyung softly smiles at the thought of you, but he wasn't gonna lie, he was hurt by Jimin's statement. Call him sensitive or whatever, but he wasn't feeling the fact that people were constantly looking at him as a fuck up and hinting at it. It seemed to be a reoccurring theme lately. "You ready?" Tae sighs before grabbing his stuff. They get into his car, departing from the gym to make their way to Jimin's so he can get dropped off before Tae heads home. Taehyung replays yesterday's events in his head, which instantly irks him all over again. But, he has such a soft spot for you that he feels terrible for having been too harsh about it. He was still upset, and he wasn't gonna let up on his feelings. But he knew he should have been better about how he approached it. He knew better than that. He's learned to do better.

➤ FLASHBACK

Taehyung excitedly parks his car at the café to surprise you for your pop up today. He had been working endlessly to finish off finals strongly, and he had been so busy that he hadn't really gotten a chance to help you or support you. He felt terrible about it because you were his babygirl and he wanted nothing but to spoil you for all the hardwork you've been putting in.

He creeps up behind you, bouquet of flowers hidden behind his back. "Excuse me, miss." He says lowly near your ear.

"Holy fuck!" You say as he startles you. "Babe, what the hell! Don't do that!" He laughs.

"What's cookin', goodlookin'?" He wiggles his eyebrows, making you chuckle. "These are for you." He smiles toothlessly as he hands you the pretty bouquet. "And your favorite!" He hands you a Mcflurry cup.

You squeal. "Oreo Mcflurry! Aw, thank you baby." You place a quick kiss on his lips. "But don't ever scare me like that!" You playfully hit his chest, causing him to erupt in laughter.

"You should've seen your face."

"Ha-ha, very funny." You rolled your eyes, causing him to pinch your cheeks.

"How's it going?"

"Welp, I'm almost out for the day." You giggle. "I, uh, may have underestimated." You look down at his hoodie, realizing it was one of the hoodies you had made for a previous collection you sold at Jin's. "Waaaow, cute sweater, who made it?"

"Mm, I don't know if you know her. Her name's Y/N."

"Uh huh?" You nod, hand on your hip, waiting to hear more.

"She stands about this tall." He lowers himself close to the ground, causing you to laugh. "Cute, right? She's beautiful, incredibly smart and sexy. Brilliant visual designer and illustrator. Packed with hella attitude." He pretends to ponder on his thoughts. "I could go on about her, really. She's one of a kind."

"Cute. She must feel lucky." You smile.

"I know, I'd feel lucky if I knew me too." You roll your eyes and playfully hit him. "Ah, I'm kidding." He pulls you into a hug. "I keep this sweater in my trunk."

"Oh, so you keep it in your trunk just for emergency wear?" You sarcastically ask as he holds you from behind.

"Yeah, and cause it's the only sweater I'd choose to wear out of the hundreds I own." You smile up at him. "Mhm, not gonna try and win that one." He places a big, sloppy kiss on your cheek before pulling away. "Show me. How can I help my pretty baby today?"

➤ END FLASHBACK

"Hey, I can't stay out late tonight because of the event tomorrow."

"Yeah, I know." Taehyung says softly.

"Please don't drink too much."

"I wooooooon't." He whines with a small sigh, also slightly offended at that statement. He didn't know what it was, maybe it was the fact that his own father painted him in such a negative light that everything seemed off to him lately. Like people were just out to get him or constantly looking down at him and his actions. A personal attack at who he was. It was slowly piling up for him and he wasn't sure how much more of it he could take.

You prepared a quick dinner while he hopped in the shower. You set his plate aside before taking a look at the mail that had come in today.

Bills, bills and more bills.

You sighed to yourself as it felt like you had just paid things off, but clearly not. Moving into Taehyung's wasn't the greatest idea, being that his space was much more expensive than yours. But, he did have the space you needed for your work. There was money left, but you knew it wouldn't last forever. You hated tapping into your savings and whipping out your credit cards because you wanted to keep yourself clean as much as possible. However, that was proven difficult as of late. It was a sacrifice, especially since Taehyung had cut off his mother's help. Taehyung's pride was such a curse sometimes.

You shook your head, already finalizing the fact that you would deal with it later. You had began to set your things aside for the new student event tomorrow morning. You figured you'd get there early to set up and make your table at neat and cute, so you didnt have to worry much about it right now.

Taehyung comes out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist, hair slicked back and wet. You turn to face him, your eyes wandering down to his chest and bottom area. God, why was he so beautiful? It wasn't fair. You loved him so much that you could crumble even being upset. He talks a whole lot about you being the death of him, when really, this man is going to be the death of you. Truly. There's no debate about it.

Getting to the bar, you both immediately spot your friends in the corner, a huge tower of beer decorating the center of the table. Jimin is the first to stand, coming towards you two with a huge smile on his face.

"Friends!" Jimin yells. "Drink!" He says, holding up two shot glasses.

"Fuck, man." Taehyung says taking the glass. "We just got here."

"So! Y/N needs to be home early remember?" He watches wide-eyed as you two take the shot and make sour faces at each other.

"Okay, I'm good." You say, being that you were the DD tonight. Taehyung could enjoy himself if he wanted to [to an extent], but you definitely needed to be in tip top shape to be a good role model to those incoming art students tomorrow.

Throughout the night, the bar starts to get packed from end to end, you and your friends staying at the table and keeping to yourselves. You could tell Taehyung was crossing the line of pretty fucking drunk, which somewhat bothered you. You literally just told him to take it easy tonight - just for one night - so you could do what you need to do tomorrow.

"Hey." Jimin comes next to you, swinging his arm over your shoulder like he always does. "One more shot?" You give him a toothless smile. Ugh, why the hell not? Your man was drunk, and Jimin had only been helpful lately. You could at least return the favor by taking a shot with him.

"What are we drinking to?"

"You." He smiles. "Your shop. Your art. It'll only go up from here, yeah?" He rose his shot glass up before clinking it against yours and taking it to the neck.

"Mkay, that does it for me." You chuckle. "Thanks for the shot."

"No problem. You doing okay?"

"Yeah, I'm good." You looked at your watch. "Should probably get out of here soon, but Tae looks like he's enjoying himself. I don't wanna drag him out of here."

"We can just bring him home." You shake your head worriedly.

"I don't wanna leave without him." Jimin chuckles and looks over at Taehyung.

"He'll be okay and you'll be just fine tomorrow. Besides, you can make up all the bullshit in the world to tell the incoming students, they'll believe it either way."

"That's mean." You chuckle.

"Come. Let's dance!" Jimin says, leading the way to the empty space near the table. Everyone gets up to dance, Taehyung slipping himself behind you, whispering sweet nothings in your ear.

"Can I at least get one minute with my lady without Jimin interrupting?" He says in your ear.

"Taehyung." You flatly say, looking back at him.

"That's your mad face." He holds you tightly from behind as he sways you from side to side.

"I'm not mad."

"Mhm." He kisses the back of your head. "Why don't you have fun with me for a little? We'll go home after this." You couldn't even stay mad at him, with that fucking frustratingly handsome face of his. He was definitely drunk though, you could smell the whiskey lingering on his breath as he danced with you for a bit. You let him be, just so you wouldn't trigger anything within drunk Taehyung. Everyone around you was having a good time, the feeling of nostalgia hitting you pretty hard. You missed the days where you could get together and go to parties after a long week of school. Or, when you would tease the fuck out of Taehyung as his fuckbuddy during parties, or at the clubs. You know, before graduation and responsibilities happened.

But as one hour turned into two, and two turned into three, you found yourself getting restless. It was nearing 2AM and you had to be at the school by 8am - even earlier just to set your table up. You made your way to the bathroom, hoping Tae would get the point and start getting himself ready to leave.

Right.

Once you were out the bathroom, he'd realize you had been gone for a little and start saying his goodbye's. He'd realize time got to the best of him. Right?

"It's a fucking good time tonight!" Jimin tells Namjoon, laughing with him as he watches Joon act a fool with his dance moves.

"I'm sure it is, since you've been in Y/N's space the entire night." Taehyung says it jokingly, but he doesn't realize it only comes off that way in his head. Jimin furrows his brows at him, his high quickly dying with Taehyung's unnecessary comment.

"Don't start with all that. Not tonight. Everyone's having a good time--"

"Or what, Jimin?" Taehyung chuckles like the petty ass he can be. "You know it's true. Don't you think it's a little disrespectful to be crossing boundaries?"

"Hey, let's step back for a bit." Jungkook lightly tugs on Taehyung's arm as he hears the conversation going south quickly. But Taehyung breaks from his grip, stepping forward towards Jimin.

"You really think I would do that to you?"

"Haven't you already? Swinging your arms around her and shit, being all angelic--"

"Tae, come on. That's enough. Don't." Namjoon steps in the middle. "Let's go outside to get some air."

"You really wanna make me look that bad in front of my own girl?" Jimin lightly pushes him away, Taehyung getting too into his space.

"Enough." Namjoon shakes his head, aggressively stepping in the way to create distance. Taehyung shakes his head and walks off, the rest of the group watching as he walks. You finish off in the bathroom, assuming Tae was already getting ready to go. However, you realize your assumption of leaving by the time you're back is absolutely incorrect because when you get to the table, Taehyung is nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Tae?" Kook looks at you frazzled, before his eyes begin to pan the room again.

"Look, don't freak out, but him and Jimin just got into it and he walked off."

"What the hell do you mean they got into it and he walked off?"

"It's nothing, Tae is just drunk—" Kook squeezes your wrist and shakes his head.

"No, it's not just nothing because you and I both know how he's been feeling lately." You run your hand through your hair. "What did he say?"

"He just got into it about Jimin getting close to you lately, and how he felt like he was disrespecting boundaries." You sigh heavily.

"Fuck."

"We have an issue." Namjoon comes back from out of the blue. "He's not around."

"What do you mean?! Where did he go?" You run your hand through your hair.

"Okay, let's not panic." Jungkook tries to relax you. "Let me go check the bathrooms." Namjoon nods as he continues to look around the room.

"Please? We should get home." He nods to you before he's off to check for Tae in the bathroom. You stand near the table awkwardly, worry filling you quickly the more time passes.

"Hey, you okay? What can I do?" Hobi squeezes your arm, his face flushed with a red tint from how tipsy he is. You give him a small, reassuring smile and nod to try and keep calm.

"I honestly don't know anymore, but I'll be good. I think. We're just gonna look for him and head home."

"Is Kookie looking in the bathroom?" You nod. At this point, you catch a glimpse of Jungkook coming back alone.

"Jungkook?"

"I'm sorry, I couldn't find him in there. I swear I tried."

"So, where the hell is he?" Jungkook shrugs.

"Lets check around again. I won't leave until we find him."

"Have you tried to call him?" You had already beaten Yoongi's question, calling Taehyung's phone only to see his phone vibrating and ringing on the fucking table. "Hm, okay. Maybe not."

"Fuck." You snatch Taehyung's phone from the table. "Is he serious right now? It's about to be 2:30AM. How the fuck can he get lost at this time?"

"Y/N just go home, we'll find him and bring him home." Jimin says, coming back from roaming around the place.

"No, I'm not leaving here without him."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen." He says, looking at you in the eye. Although he was pretty fucking pissed, he couldn't help but worry about him either. No matter what, that was still his bestfriend. He didn't want anything to happen to him.

"It's not your fault."

"We need to check around the neighborhood." Jungkook suddenly comes back and grabs your arm. You follow him, Yoongi, Hobi, Namjoon and Jimin outside of the bar, the cold hitting your skin harshly.

"Let's split." Namjoon says. Jimin and Hobi split, Namjoon and Yoongi sticking together to go down a different path. You kept yourself close to Jungkook, knowing there were all sorts of drunk ass men out at this hour and you weren't helping wearing a tiny ass skirt and a deep cut shirt.

"Cutiepie, let me come holla!" A dude yells as he tries to swing his arm around your waist. Jungkook easily pushes him off, glaring at him.

"Back the fuck up." He spits out, your bestfriend coming to your rescue amongst the sea of men you're encountering on the sidewalk right now. He throws his jacket over your shoulders, hoping to shield you from them and the cold. "Your outfit." Jungkook frowns, a little worried.

"I mean, I didn't expect to lose Tae tonight." Once you had gotten to a quieter part of the street, you come from behind to walk beside him. "Where the hell could he have gone?" You whine. You're more worried for his safety and wellbeing right now more than anything and all you wanted to do was find him and bring him home, even though you were slightly worrying about yourself and how things would go tomorrow. You could give him an earful later. It could wait.

"He couldn't have gone far." You both continue down the street, heading towards your car, hoping he may be around the area. Jimin calls to check in, saying him and Hobi hadn't caught sight of him yet, and the same thing goes for Yoongi and Joon. You almost want to cry when you don't see Taehyung near your car, but Jungkook ends up walking further down towards the park near your parking spot. "Y/N! Here!" He calls out, running towards an individual slumped over on their knees on a bench. "Taehyungie?" Jungkook sits next to him and shakes him a bit.

"Shit dude, I just kept walking then I suddenly had no idea where I was at." He drunkily says as you sit next to him and sigh heavily.

"No one said you had to do that, Tae."

"I just needed some air."

"Yeah and look where that got you, it's close to 3AM." You respond, irritated.

"Y/N." Jungkook says softly, shaking his head at you as if he were signaling for you to quit with your attitude. "Let's go back to the car." Jungkook watches him stand up and wobble a bit, but eases up when he realizes Taehyung is capable of walking himself to the car. You three get back safely, letting the others know that you had found him before driving Jungkook back towards the club so he can meet with everyone else. You quickly thank him for his support before driving off to head home.

The car is incredibly cold, and silent.

"Love, I'm sorry. I just needed air and got lost." He breaks the silence.

"I see that." You say softly as you drive home, keeping your eyes glued to the road in front of you.

3:23AM.

"Please don't be mad." He gives your thigh gentle squeeze. "I just got a little into my head tonight." You sighed, gently removing his hand from your thigh.

"Taehyung, I'm your fiancé, I'm doing this with you and only you. Do you even understand how worried I was? You just walked off, without your phone. Without saying anything to me. Just cause you got in your head for no reason."

"I'm sorry." He repeats at a whisper. You don't say anything else for the rest of the drive home. You silently park the car and head to the apartment, Taehyung sluggishly following behind you. He knows you're bothered, knowing it's closing to 3:30AM and you had an early morning. Honestly, he didn't realize how drunk he was until he had gotten himself into that argument with Jimin then got lost, especially without his phone. The fact that he had made you worry and stress like that made him feel terrible, especially after these past few days. You could have easily left, but you didn't leave without him even if it was this late. He instantly just wanted to cuddle you and tell you how sorry he was.

You quietly get ready for bed and line your things up by the door, just so it would be an easy quick and grab as you head out in the morning. You slip yourself into the sheets, Taehyung following shortly after he gets himself ready for bed. He shuts off all the lights and grabs himself a water bottle to sit by his nightstand before slipping in next to you.

"I love you." He whispers against your ear, wrapping his arms around you. But you don't respond. He peeks over to see your eyes shut, silently sighing to himself as he nuzzled his head against the nape of your neck. He knows you aren't fast asleep yet, and it hurts him that you hadn't said it back. You both just knew exactly how to love each other well, but also push each other's buttons. But, maybe, it was true - he was just fucking up left and right lately. Enough for you to go to bed without saying 'I love you' back.

'cause baby if i find a way, i'm sure of it, this love won't stray; just give me a chance to say i love you, and i need you. now are you here to stay, or fade away like every other day? you're the reason that i lie awake

track two: 3AM - finding hope

[barnesbabee]

𝓹𝓵𝓪𝔂 𝓭𝓪𝓽𝓮 - 𝓯𝓲𝓷𝓪𝓵

|| ᴍᴀꜱᴛᴇʀʟɪꜱᴛ || ⇜ᴘʀᴇᴠɪᴏᴜꜱ - 21

⟿ ꜱᴜᴍᴍᴀʀʏ: No sensible person would turn down their boss if they looked good as good as Seonghwa. But maybe they would wish they had…

⟿ ᴄᴏɴᴄᴇᴘᴛ: CEO!Seonghwa x reader, bestfriend!Yunho x reader || Social Media!AU || no gender specified for the reader

ᴛᴀɢʟɪꜱᴛ: (send me a DM or an ask to be added) @ateezappreciation @shinyddeonghwa @lilithpooped @cloudyyeonnie@yeosangmystar @wooyoung-a @sanisms @mingismoon @lovelyvitamin @anawwyd @annasbannas @im-just-trying-to-survive-man @uglychildd @oddlittlefandomist @hwahomie @jin-neck-shaft @lovelyvitamin @yeosangmystar @skmoonchild @lovelymultiwrites @sunwooyoung

Panic settled in the room as Seonghwa's words echoed in your heads. Yunho was dead, Mingi disappeared, San wasn't waking up and the body was gone.

And meanwhile, you were getting railed in Seonghwa's office. You felt sick to your stomach, not knowing what to do, or where to even start.

"Someone say something!" Jongho yelled, at the top of his lungs, finally breaking his calm character.

The silence in the room was heavy and you suddenly felt as if you couldn't breathe, as if someone was gripping your throat from the inside. As if on cue, San groaned and his eyes fluttered open.

"What the fuck?..." He groaned, as he sat up straight with the help of one hand.

San rubbed the back of his head with his other hand, hissing as he moved it up and down slowly.

You and Seonghwa ran towards him and knelt beside the man.

"San what happened!?"

San sat against the sofa, feeling too sick and too dizzy to sit up straight on his own. He took a couple of breathsm trying to recollect what happened before he blacked out.

"There really isn't much to say, right after Y/N left Mingi asked me to get him something from the kitchen and when I came back someone, I'm assuming Mingi, hit me with something in the back of the head. Next thing I know I'm waking up next to Jongho."

Seonghwa stood up, visibly stressed and irritated.

"Y/N I- I can't take this anymore. I'm tired, I'm stressed out, I wake up, go to sleep and go through the day stressed but I try to keep calm and be reasobale but I just can't anymore! I need to rest, I need time!" Jongho said.

His voice was shaky, his face was red and his eyes were desperate and tired. He had huge bags under his eyes, and he looked as if he wanted to cry, but was too tired to do so.

"I... I know. I know what you're feeling because I'm feeling it too, but the body is gone, and you know that if the body is found we'll all be questioned by the police and if he turns himself in he will also be questioned by the police and we both know that in either case they will be asking questions. The body is decomposing! They'll start asking why he didn't come right away, what happened between the murder and the confession, and it doesn't take much for Mingi to break! If he goes down he'll bring us with him!"

Your voice was unstable from crying, and you, just like every other person in the group, regretted helping Mingi. You should have stayed mad at him. You shouldn't have babied him and helped him cover up a murder. But it was too late, friendship and compassion won over you as if you were in a kid's cartoon where the power of friendship could overcome anything. But it didn't.

"Each of you get in one of my cars. We're splitting up and looking for him. Keys are in the ignition, let's go. The sooner we find him, the sooner it will all be over."

Seonghwa turned his back and started walking towards the garage, giving them no time to oppose themselves to the plan, or to complain at all.

Four motors roared in the garage as each of them left in their respective car to look around. He couldn't have gone very far, it had only been a couple hours and Mingi had no car and no money for a cab.

It was becoming increasingly hard for San to throw off Wooyoung. They had been spending a lot of time together and these past few days he had barely talked to the younger boy, making the latter suspicious that either San had gotten tired of him, or that he had found someone else. Either way Wooyoung was panicking and constantly blowing up San's phone, which was just the cherry on top. After the 10th ding sounded from his phone, San pulled over for a second and called Wooyoung.

"Heeey Woo." He said, trying to sound as sweet as possible.

"San what's happening? Please tell me if you're getting tired of me... Don't give me any hopes, because I really like you."

"What? No Wooyoung, I like you, like... a lot. Really. But I've just been busy with consoling Y/N, and there was a bunch of issues in some paperwork from my part-time job so I had to work on that as well, it's just been a very tiring couple of days, I'm sorry... Can I get back to you once I'm done? I need a little rest."

As far as Wooyoung knew you were still upset at Mingi.

"Alright fine, but I expect a nice homemade dinner once you're free."

"Of course baby."

San hung up with a sigh, relieved that he bought his excuses, and started the engine once more, resuming his search.

San was driving around the town, searching places with fewer people and hidden spots where rarely anybody went to. He ended up in a couple bad neighborhoods, which in retrospect it wasn't very smart since he was riding a Rolls Royce, but they hadn't been making good choices the past few days. Seonghwa headed back to the cabin where they had found the body, you searched every bridge and police station and Jongho went to his apartment.

It was minute 12 of driving around when you received a call. It was a group call with everyone involved.

"The body is back in the cabin. It's covered with all the leaves and shit we put here."

"Don't touch it, get out of there for now. I'm still trying to get to his house, anyone got anything?"

Jongho's question was met with a bunch of no's.

"Well I'm almost at his house and I can see- oh my God. I found him. I found him he's standing on a balcony and I think he's gonna jump everyone get here!"

Jongho hung up and you told Seonghwa the address. Thankfully you were close by and got there in no time. Jongho sprinted up the stairs and by the time you and San got to the house he was trying to talk Mingi out of it. Mingi was standing on the edge of his balcony, on the other side of the railing, but still holding onto it. Jongho was crying and begging Mingi to come to his senses and to come back inside, as he gripped his arm.

"It's no use Jongho, just let me go! This is not up to you!"

You and San got up to the balcony as well, trying to talk Mingi out of it.

"Mingi please! We'll get through this I'm begging you, we can't lose you too!" You yelled.

You wanted to stay composed but you couldn't help the tears streaming down your face. Even Jongho, who was usually very uncomfortable displaying his emotions, was crying and begging.

When Seonghwa got to the scene, he was terrified. He didn't know what to do, which was a common thing throughout the past few days, and it was killing him.

Everyone was pulling on Mingi's left side, trying to pull him up along with Jongho, so, without anyone noticing, he jumped outside the railing, and slowly walked towards Mingi without him noticing either.

Once he was close enough, he grabbed the man and pulled him up and over the railing, while holding himself stable with one hand on said railing.

However, Mingi's selfishness was bigger, and in the end, he showed that no matter what other people did for him, he was going to put himself first.

Mingi was mad, he thought his friends were being selfish and had no say in the matter, so while being saved, while going over the railing back into his house, he kicked it away with all the strength in his body, making him fall back.

Seonghwa, who was holding onto Mingi, failed to grip the railing harder and fell with Mingi, looking into your sad, panic-filled eyes as he fell to his death.

You bent over and watched the man you loved fall, in what felt like slow motion. His body hit the ground, and with an ugly cracking noise, Seonghwa's head split open.

You sprinted down the stairs, and once you got down to the ground people were circling the two men, taking pictures and gasping at the scene. You shoved away everybody in front of you so you could reach Seonghwa. His face was nearly intact, but the pool of blood surrounding his cracked skull told you there was no way he'd survive. His chest moved up and down quickly, for a couple of seconds, indicating the intense pain he was in.

"Seonghwa I'm sorry- I-I'm so sorry! Please... I love you..."

Just as the last three words left your mouth, you could see his lips twitch, before his chest stopped moving, before his eyes lost all of their color, before his body went limp in your hands. You stayed there, holding the face of the deceased man you once loved, your clothes soaking his blood and you cried out for forgiveness.

You didn't dare look at Mingi, but you sure hoped he was dead.

But he wasn't. And in the end. When the ambulance and the police came, they took Seonghwa to the morgue and Mingi to the hospital. Mingi ended up surviving after intense surgery, but not for long, because you would end up killing him.

"You don't get to live!" You told Mingi, as you stabbed gagged him and stabbed him over, and over, and over.

He died in a slow, agonizing way, just like you wanted him to. After all he put you, San, and Jongho through, after the sleepless nights, the constant stress, after staying the love of your life he still thought he'd get a second chance!?

You made sure he suffered, and you made sure he knew how much you hated him as you pierced your old, blunt, and rusty knife into his body.

San and Wooyoung ended up fleeing the country, and Jongho joined the military, both too afraid to face the reality and their past actions, seeking any refuge outside of their past lives. They did end up hearing about Mingi's death, and neither of them seemed to care. After everything, they just gave up on him completely.

You were arrested for Mingi's murder, but after confessing everything, and giving a couple touch-ups where you removed Seonghwa, Jongho, and San from the story, and after leading them to Yunho's body, the lawyer from your case pleaded not guilty, and blamed your acts on the heavy toll the incidents of helping your best friend, and the death of your lover, had taken on you, and the judge agreed that you should be under house arrest, with a government assigned professional that would assist you, take care of you, and report back to court.

Was that the end? Was that all there was to your life? That seemed to be the case... Sooner or later you'd end up joining Seonghwa however, you knew that much, you just hoped he was somewhere waiting for you.

[dellinah]

LONG ASS RANT ABOUT THYLACINES

I'm still not coping well so i made some shitty memes about my constant hyperfixation

Well I have been fascinated with these animals since I was a literal 8 year old bc of a book my mom gave me about animals (they're all drawn as opposed to pictures too it's pretty cool i used to trace over them all the time)

They're cool marsupials that went extint in 1936

I am a dumbass with one braincell so for some reason it didn't sink in that when the text said 'disappeared 70 years ago' it meant DISAPEARED FOR REAL. I also was too dumb to realize it was under the 'extinct' chapter

Anyway. These animals are fascinating to me and I have been obsessed with everything related to them ever since. I love how close they look to dogs and wolves despite not being related bc evolution works that well, i love their cute little faces, I love how they managed to survive way longer than they were meant to (more on that bellow), how they move, their lower ankles that look like someone fucked up a dog drawing, everything about it

And I absolutely HATE what they have become a symbol of

I would like to think human activity alone isnt enough to actually drive animals to extinction. That, while it helps, it merely speeds up the pace of an inevitable fate. But that's not true. There have been countless animals that died out bc of humans, and that would have been just fine without us around - be it by hunting, destroying habitats, introducing new species or bringing disease

Thylacines were hunted with no mercy bc they were thought to kill farm animals. People offered money for each one that was shot. Animals that humans introduced to their habitat infected them with disease and made food less avaiable. And just a few decades later, they were gone, forever

And if that wasn't bad enough, the last one we have record of died bc of NEGLET. In a zoo, he was left out in the cold night and didn't make it. They probably threw the body away with no care, thinking they could just get another one to use as exibition, and then realized too late it was the last

ON TOP OF THAT, rules to protect them were set in place about 50 days before the last one died. 50 DAYS!! Talk about too little too late. Maybe if they had done it earlier, things would have been different, but no. They didn't care until they realized hey we havent seen one in forever, fuck

ON TOP OF ON TOP OF THAT, the picture that was used to get farmers to kill them of a thylacine with a chicken in its mouth was most likely faked using a mounted one. It was fucking propaganda?? To??? Kill animals?? Man, what the FUCK. Maybe kill the ones around your property (still wrong but fine) but why lie to people to make them go out of their way to kill animals in the wild??

Everything about thylacines' extintion just highlights the worst parts of the human nature. How careless we are to everything but ourselves. How if it doesn't make us money, we don't care. How we care too little too late. How we can destroy something so easily. And how we don't care about lying about something to get what we want, no matter how bad the consequences might be to someone else

I honestly think the fascination people have with finding these animals in recent years is due to guilt, at least some of it. Yes it's a cool animal, but most important of all it makes us feel bad. So finding a new one maybe would make it ok. We can still save it. We're not that bad.

But that ever happening is unlikely

Thylacines lived short lives (up to 6 years in the wild, 9 in zoos) so to have them survive would require large populations constantly breeding. So to think we wouldnt have found a bone, a dead body, or run over one in over 70 years (also everyone has a phone now, why cant there ever be GOOD pictures taken of these sightings?) just seems like the kind of thing that can't happen

Not only that, but before human intervention they already suffered from low genetic diversity due to its population getting smaller over centuries due to disease and few individuals. It's sad to think that they were always doomed to fail, but it's likely the path they were going towards

So it just makes it way less likely that they would have survived in the wild. They were already failing to reproduce and survive with the individuals they had - imagine after we kill 99% of them. Even if some did make it past the year we recorded, it probs died out shortly after

BUT they could still be alive today, or at least gotten a few more decades. Some people think they did. And maybe we could have helped them if they made it to today with the technology we have

But we'll never know

There's a bunch of footage (with some newly discovered one) of the last one, and while that is cool, it just makes me sad :( to see it pacing around its small cage, with nothing to do, no other one to keep it company (they were often depicted in pairs, idk if they were social animals but it seems like it), not knowing it would never again have another one like it. There's also footage of someone rattling its cage?? Probs to get it worked up to make it walk around or react or something. DONT DO THAT

It's just a sad footage overall, and becomes painful to watch once you know everything else. A sad pacing stressed animal, that would die alone in the cold and go down in history as the last one ever. All while being oblivious to everything we have done to its kind, bc it was just a scared animal

Some people think they survived into the 90's, a lot of people claim to have seen one since 1936 (with no proof) and february 2021 one expert said they had proof they saw one and that it was a baby. It has been debunked by another expert, i have yet to see the pics, but until we have DEFINITE proof, i'll keep on believing they're gone

But it's nice to hope every once in a while. Every sighting makes me a bit happy. This is a big world, with so much of it unexplored, and animals though extinct have showed up again or even been cloned recently. So who knows!

It has been pretty shitty to live through a major historical event that is bad. For a moment I hoped I'd witness one that was actually a positive one

And honestly, if they are still out there, maybe a small population that learned to hide very well, I hope they keep hidden. I'd love to see them, but maybe they're better on their own

We've seen what happens when they're not

[ripspaghet]

bff | 05

↳ series m.list | 00 | 01 | 02 | 03 | 04 | 05 | 06 |

→ pairing: yoongi x reader

→ word count: 4,702

Prologue Summary; Your best friend's boyfriend takes an unhealthy interest in you and just as he shows up something from your past starts to creep up on you again. Could this strange and mysterious man have something to do with it? And should you trust him, or your instincts to run far, far away from him?

→ warnings: angst, swearing, alcohol, mentions of smut, cheating

The very next day the weather finally starts to lighten up. The sun is out with not a cloud in sight, although the air is still chilled. You've become eager to get back to your classes. After having Jimin take care of you a full day, you feel you might murder him. He's been teasing you constantly, trying to feed you like you a helpless baby, and let's just say you didn't really appreciate it. Still, you thank him several times over, promising to make it up to him, which he's sure to take full advantage of.

"Party? This weekend?"

You sigh, kicking a rock as you walk along the corridor, leading to your next class, "Why does it always have to be a party with you? You never even hang out with me when we go. You ditch me for those two idiots of yours."

"As I recall when you first met one of those idiots you called him hot and said you'd-"

"Okay!" Your panicked tone reaches an all-time high, not wishing to recall your first impression of a particular frat boy.

Jimin laughs at you and stops walking just before reaching the lecture hall, "So, you'll go with me?"

"As if I have a choice."

"Great! Tae said he-"

"____? I heard you were really sick." Mina approaches the two of you, her boyfriend not too far behind her, his eyes already fixed on you. Great.

You watch as he comes up closer to Mina, placing his arm around her waist and pulling her into him as his gaze bleeds into yours, "Glad to know you're feeling better, ____." 

His cold voice makes you shift your eyes away immediately, your face turning a shade of red that's starting to become all too familiar.

"Yes, I made her all better. Didn't I, honey?" Jimin leaned down and pressed a kiss to your cheek, which you respond to by pushing him away and slapping him on the chest.

"Don't put your lips anywhere near me."

He frowns and whines as you turn away from him, "Why? That's not what you told me to do yesterday."

"Are you drunk? Stop making stuff up and get to class." You don't bother turning around this time, heading into the lecture hall.

"Yah," You hear Mina slap Jimin, "what did you do to her?"

"Ah! S-stop hitting me! She's been like that since yesterday, it has nothing to do with me!"

The rest of the week carries on relatively fast, as you do nothing but study and go to your classes. Anytime Mina, Jimin, or anybody offers to hang out you decline. You haven't been in the mood and your reasoning was that same indecipherable feeling that still burned in your chest. Your nearest guess was that it had something to do with that damn piano Yoongi made you sit at, last Sunday. Bad memories resurfacing is enough to put anyone in this kind of mood, right? You can't even be bothered with the dozens of missed calls on your phone. You hadn't spoken to him in a year and you weren't about to break that record when simply seeing his name light up your phone filled you with dread.

"You're still coming?" Jimin raised an eyebrow at you, utterly surprised.

"I'm standing in front of you fully dressed and ready for a party and you're asking me if I'm bailing on you or not?"

"It's just, you haven't been in the brightest of moods this week. I thought, maybe you were having second thoughts."

You roll your eyes and push him out of the doorway so you can shut the door behind you and lock it. "Since when do you care if I have second thoughts about a party?"

"Since you don't seem okay," He whispers this time, a genuinely concerned expression dulling his features.

You put your arm around his and try to pull him along only to have him stop you, "I'm fine. Let's go have fun."

"Did someone break your heart, ____?"

You swivel your head back around, "What?"

"I don't know?" He scratched his head, "You seem so different lately. I mean you just said, 'Let's go have fun.' Normally, you hate being dragged to parties. You complain the whole time and ask me to take you home every five seconds."

You laugh and raise an eyebrow at the ridiculous assumption, "So, you think someone has broken my heart, simply because I'm taking your advice to have fun?"

"You-" He's cut off when your phone goes off. You pull it from your purse and quickly reject it.

"Telemarketers." You lie.

Looking at you seriously Jimin sighs, "I'm just worried. I don't want to take you to this party and you get super drunk and do something stupid cause you're sad." 

With a sigh and nod, you speak with an understanding ton, "I appreciate that you worry about me Minie, but I'm fine. I've just been stressed lately because of exams. I want to blow off some steam."

He looks at you hesitantly before nodding, not sure if he should believe you or not.

Jimin really is such a good friend. He genuinely cares so much, even for the smallest of things. But, despite what he thinks, this isn't your first time indulging in a party like this. Back when you were a freshman all you did was go to parties. Which is, for the most part, what made you hate them so much. You always did dumb things and alcohol didn't make your decision-making skills any better. You'd even started a pretty bad reputation for yourself, that you erased through the years of becoming a shut-in.

After arriving at the party Jimin led you to the drinks and the two of you had at least two full cups together before you decided you wanted to dance. The logical part of your brain was screaming to go home before doing something you'd regret, but that stinging feeling in your chest demanded it be fed and you didn't want to feel it anymore. You sure as hell didn't want to hear your anxiety ramping up because of it, so you drank just enough to null the noise.

You pull Jimin towards the dance floor, taking him by surprise, and making his drink sloshing in his cup, "Wait, I-"

"Since when does ____ dance?" A husky voice interrupts the two of you, making you turn your head, "Or know how to have fun for that matter?"

Tall, tanned, and handsome to the point of being downright beautiful, stood in the doorway of the kitchen watching you with an unreadable expression is Taehyung. You have to force your mouth shut to keep from gasping at the sight of him. Any other day, you'd duck your head and run at the sight of him - although, unfortunately for you - you've already consumed a hefty amount of alcohol.

"Whole new ____, right?" Jimin smiled, composing himself before patting your head and, to your surprise, making you jump.

"I'll say," Taehyung looks you up and down, "she's even dressed for the occasion."

"____, how about you go dancing with Taehyung? I promised Kookie I'd be his bodyguard tonight and I can't leave him hanging forever."

You glance up at Jimin then back at Taehyung. Again, under normal circumstances, you never in a million years would agree to dance with Taehyung, knowing damn well where it'd take you. You'd also be curious and confused as to why Jungkook would need a bodyguard, but - for like the billionth time - these weren't normal circumstances and all you did was nod.

"Just don't stay gone all night. You promised you wouldn't ditch me this time." 

Jimin laughs and pats your head endearingly again, "Sure thing, honey."

You reach up and pat Jimin on the cheek, returning the gesture by smiling brightly up at him. His eyes widen, not expecting you to return the teasing gesture, "Have fun, honey," 

"W-who are you?" Jimin's cheeks flush pink, but you only laugh before leaving him. You take Taehyung's arm in yours and he looks down at you with the same stunned expression, "Show me your best moves, Tae."

Excitement quickly replaces his awe and bubbling up in his eyes at this whole new side of you, "Yes, ma'am."

You pull him to the dance floor with you and once there you let your body do the talking as you move rhythmically to the best that vibrates through the house.

Taehyung just froze, his lips parting at the sight of you.

You're unable to contain a giggle at the sight of his dumbfounded expression, "What are you doing? Dance with me." You grab his hands and pull him to you, swaying your hips from side to side. 

Taehyung follows your instructions and begins moving with you, his hand moving to your hip as he leans in closer, "Since when are you not being a buzzkill?"

You pout your bottom lip at his use of words, "I'm not a buzzkill, I just haven't been in the mood up until now."

Taehyung laughs at your whiny response, his eyes falling on your lips, "You know? I never understood it before, but now it all makes sense."

"What does?"

"You and Jimin, I thought the two of you were complete opposites before and it didn't make any sense to me why he follows you around like a lost puppy." You move your hands up to his biceps and rest them on his shoulders. Your eyes urging him to continue, "The two of you are a lot more alike than I thought. You just bury it deep, while Jimin wears it on his sleeve."

You tilt your head, "And what exactly is it that I'm burying?"

"That thing that could get anyone into bed with you any time you want." He leans in, his deep voice sultry.

"Are you saying that only me and Jimin have that? You don't have it?"

"Well, obviously not. Otherwise, I would've had you in bed with me the day we met."

You shake your head and smirk at him. Might as well play along with him. "How do you know that it just doesn't work on me?"

"Tell me," He leaned in closer, "if Jimin were to seriously try fucking you - you wouldn't you be inclined to say yes?"

Your cheeks flush his use of words and the mere idea of them, but you laugh it off as the effects of alcohol starting to kick in, "Even if I were it would never be anything more than that, so I'd turn him down."

Taehyung pulls back, surprised, "Why?"

"Jimin is my best friend and like I said, sleeping with him would never be anything more than sleeping with him. I know that's the case for me, but I don't know if that's the case for Jimin. Whether he says it is or not, I couldn't trust what he says. If he felt differently, he would say whatever I wanted to hear, not the truth."

"Are you implying that he might fall for you? Because I think it's a bit too late for that." He chuckles and this time you roll your eyes.

"Me and Jimin find each other sexually attractive, but there's no romance. It's just friendship. People can easily mistake a great friendship for romance. I mean, even great sex can be misleading."

"So, what's the deal-breaker, huh? What is it that you and Jimin don't have?"

You stare at him for a moment, wondering to yourself why he's so interested in your relationship with Jimin before answering him, "There's no fire. No passion or pull between us."

His eyes flicker at your words, "You're not secretly in love with him and just pulling my leg, right?"

"What?" You burst into laughter, "Why is this so important to you?"

Taehyung's face stays serious as it flickers with something akin to lust, "____, when did you get so alluring? I thought you were an innocent virgin."

You try to bite back your laughter at his ridiculous statement and serious face. Surprisingly, he isn't all that good at flirting. His looks more than made up for what he's lacking though as his eyes have you leaning in closer. You put your lips next to his ear, your excuse being, so you wouldn't have to yell over the music, "I'm only alluring when I wanna allure someone, that doesn't make me a virgin."

"Really?" He put his other hand on the small of your back, "Does that mean you're trying to allure me right now?"

You frown, pulling away from him, "Trying?" 

His eyes turn dark at the loss of contact and he reaches to bring you back to him, but you only move further out of his reach, a smirk pulling up your lips, "If you want me, come and get me, Tae." 

He moves instantly, a smirk playing on his own lips as he follows you through the crowd of sweaty bodies until you're out of it and heading up the stairs of the frat house. You know exactly where you're leading him, but you weren't one to proudly admit you'd done this before. And if you were in your right mind right now you wouldn't be caught dead doing this again, especially with someone like Taehyung. Although, the closer your body gets to him the further the burning in your chest gets. It's fading into the background, just like you want.

You let him catch you at the top of the stairs and he wraps his arms around your waist, "What are you up to? Don't you know where these stairs lead?"

"I'm not sure. You wanna show me around?" You play dumb, preferring Taehyung not have any clue of your past endeavors.

He pushes you against the wall, hands roaming on your sides, "How drunk are you?"

"I've only had two or three drinks." Your breath catches in your throat when he lowers his mouth to your neck. Your hand moves to his hair and you close your eyes, savoring the way his teeth feel as they softly nip at you.

"So, you won't be mad if you wake up naked next to me in the morning?" 

You gasp as his tongue runs up the length of your neck, "I won't."

He hums softly in your ear before picking you up by your thighs, making it so you have to wrap your legs around his waist. He carries you to a nearby room and shuts the door behind him with his foot with - what appears to be - practiced ease. It doesn't bother you all too much though, seeing as you were only doing this to distract yourself, to begin with. You want all emotional baggage to be left at the door, or thrown out a window at this moment. You don't wanna think.

Taehyung drops you down onto the bed in the center of the room and you can't help but giggle as the force of the fall makes you bounce.

"Fuck," He smiles at you infectiously before lunging forward, his hands and lips devouring you, "you could easily make any man fall in love, ____."

A sharp throb stabs through your chest at his words, your smile falling as a distinct pair of dark eyes cross your mind. His hands move down your thighs and squeeze, pulling them apart to settle between them. Too lost in the remembrance of lingering stares and innocent touches, you don't even realize where your imagination has taken you as he presses his thigh against your core, coaxing a desperate moan out of you. Your eyes flutter shut as you let your arousal take over, pale fingertips run along your sides, his dark hair tickling your skin as he marks your neck, and his usual calm and gravelly voice growls as you mewl with desire.

"You sound so pretty." Just then his lips press to yours, his tongue running along your lower lip. 

Yoongi.

"Stop!" You push Taehyung off of you, panicked and breathless.

"What? What's wrong?" Taehyung sits up at the end of the bed on his knees, confused by the sudden rejection.

"I-I'm really sorry about this, but I need to go." You scramble off of the bed, fixing your clothes and hair.

Taehyung's quick to get up and follow after you, "Did I do something?"

"No, I-" You squeeze your eye's shut and shake your head in disbelief. Sure, you've fantasized about people before but never against your own will, let alone about your best friend's fucking boyfriend. "I'm not in the right head-space right now. I-" You pause glancing back at Taehyung, "You didn't do anything wrong."

He places his hand on your waist, "____, don't go. We don't have to do anything. We can just cuddle?"

"I need to go."

"What happened to you last night?! Why are people telling me they saw you going upstairs with Taehyung?! I never saw you for the rest of the night!" You wince pulling your phone away from your ear.

"I know, I'm sorry, okay? Could you stop yelling at me and let me explain?"

"Since when do you wanna fuck Taehyung?! I thought you hated him!"

"Jimin,"

"Alright, fine, let me hear your excuse."

"Last night I just wanted to have fun. It was nothing serious and I don't hate Taehyung. I just don't particularly like him or how he normally treats the girls he messes around with."

"Wha- You just wanted to have fun? Nothing serious? Where is the real ____ and what have you done with her?!" 

You roll your eyes, "I didn't even sleep with him. I walked out before things got that far."

"You walked out?" Jimin pauses, "Wait, why? What did he do?"

"He didn't do anything. I just-" Your eyes shift around your room nervously, "I wasn't as up for it as I thought I was."

He clicks his tongue, "____, the player. Never thought I'd see the day."

"Are we done now? I need to go."

"Go? It's Saturday. Where are you going? Oh, don't tell me you're going to finish the job!?"

"Goodbye, Jimin."

"No! Wait-"

You stand up from your bed after ending the call than walk over to your closet to sift through your clothes. You spend about thirty minutes doing that before groaning in frustration. What are you even doing? Normally, you'd just throw on the first thing you saw and head out the door.

You know what?

That is what you're doing.

You close your eyes and reach into your closet, grabbing the first thing you touch. This is fine, you tell yourself before shrugging off your pajamas and putting on the baggy hoodie with a pair of sweats. You then make your way back to your bed and grab your phone, you're heading to your door when you stop. You pull your hoodie up to your nose, smell it, and sigh before turning back around. It doesn't stink, in fact, it smells good, like freshly done laundry - but something about it annoys you and you refuse to leave with the boring smell.

Once you're finally satisfied you hurry out of your dorm and start in the direction of Yoongi's penthouse. So many factors are yelling at you to turn around and go back home, but you refuse to listen. Your pace even picks up as the tall building comes into view. 

Message from Min Yoongi-8:59am: Why are you so late??

You-9:05am: I'm here

You step out of the elevator, your nerves getting the better of you as you hesitate to knock on the door. You really shouldn't be here. You should be anywhere but here. As you're contemplating just turning around and leaving, the door swings open to reveal a very irritated Yoongi.

His hair is neatly combed through and shorter than when you last saw him, although it still hangs just slightly above his eyes.

"Why the hell are you so late?" His words are blunt, as usual, but that's not what makes you avoid his gaze. It's the images that pop into your head from last night that make you stare at your own two feet in petrifying embarrassment, thinking, maybe he can read your mind if you look at him.

"Sorry, I don't really have an excuse." Your voice comes out small, making it so Yoongi has to lean in to understand you.

He furrows his brow and sniffs the air as he does, then raises an eyebrow at you, "Is that perfume?"

Your eyes dart up to his face and you blink at him several times, "What?"

A smirk pulls up his lips, "Are you wearing perfume?"

"No! Why would I be wearing perfume?" You panic, confused as to how to respond to this.

"I don't know, you tell me?" He leans against his door frame and crosses his arms over his chest smugly. You can't help but let your gaze linger, finding everything he does far too attractive for someone who's supposed to be his girlfriend's best friend. 

You shift your eyes away from him shamefully with a frown and push past him, feeling your cheeks warm-up, "Can we just work on the song now that I'm here?"

Yoongi hums and turns around to face you, shutting the door as he does, "It smells nice. What is it? Vanilla?"

"J-just shut up." You walk away from him towards his couch to sit down before pulling out your laptop. 

"You know?" Yoongi startles you as he leans onto the back of the couch behind you, "You still haven't listened to that part on the piano I've been slaving away on." He speaks in that same condescending tone he used over the phone when you were sick, only this time it doesn't make your blood boil, it makes your stomach turn.

"I never said I wanted you to do that."

"You also never said you didn't, so I did." You feel Yoongi tapping his finger against the couch impatiently, a clear sign he's starting to get annoyed with you.

"Well, go play it." You bark back in a whiny manner, wanting the subject to just go away, "I'll hear it from here."

No, you wouldn't, you planned on covering your ears.

"____," Yoongi says your name firmly and your whole body goes rigid. Your imagination is running off with you again. Of all times, seriously? "stop acting childish. I need you to sing the part while I play, to get a good feel of how it will sound."

You shake your head, actual panic setting in as you finally stand back up, turning to face him, "No, I don't want the piano in the song."

"Why are you just now saying this? I've been working on this all week."

"I-I-" You frantically scour your brain for an alibi, "I just don't wanna!" You cringe at the stupid excuse and watch nervously as Yoongi narrows his eyes at you.

"Are you six years old? Come on," He starts to walk towards the hallway.

"I don't like the piano! Okay?! Can't you just leave it be!" You scream, the sheer terror you felt finally emerging in your voice and shocking Yoongi to a halt. Tears began streaming down your face rapidly. You probably looked ridiculous, crying over a damn piano, an object that couldn't even physically harm you, but you're unable to control your tears.

"____,"

You drop your laptop onto the couch and without saying a word you rush back around the couch and past Yoongi, heading for the door. Hoping he won't follow, you slam the door behind you just to hear it open again a second later. 

"____, stop!" You push the elevator button several times, urgently praying that it gets there soon while you try your best to quell your inner trauma, "We don't have to include the piano. I can find something else."  You stare blankly at the elevator doors, "Hey," He reaches for you, his hand landing on your shoulder. 

You jerk your arm away and when you speak it's barely above a whisper, "Just leave me alone."

He watches you for a moment before hesitantly bringing his hand up to your face, turning you to look at him. You let him wipe your tears before pushing his hand away, "Fine, I'll take the stairs."

He stops you, grabbing your wrist, "Are you seriously angry over a fucking piano? What's next? A harmonica?"

You let out a dry laugh, "Excuse me?"

"You heard me."

"Alright," You yank your wrist away from him, "I'm done with this. Don't expect me to show up here anymore." You head ticks to the side before you turn on your heels to take the stairs, "I'd rather fail."

"Yah, ____!" You ignore him, but you can hear him following you just before his hand grabs yours, stopping you in your tracks again, "You-"

Your phone cuts him off, ringing loudly, and filling the thick air around the two of you. You pull your hand out of his, ignoring the way it makes your skin tingle. You reach into your pocket for your phone and reject the call, knowing exactly who it is without looking at the caller ID.

"Who was that?" Yoongi leans toward you, trying to get a peek at your phone, but you push him away by his chest.

"It's none of your business." 

He doesn't respond, his hard eyes just glancing down at the hand that's now against his chest. When Yoongi gets close to you - you can't think properly, so the further the better, but when he lifts his eyes back to yours, you realize that the physical contact is much worse than the lack of space. 

Your face blossoms with color and you quickly try to yank your hand away, recalling where your mind took you last night. Yoongi is quicker though as his fingers wrap around your wrist. You hold your breath, praying that he can't hear how loudly your heart is beating as his eyes bore into yours. All you can do is stare back, unable to move, say, or do anything. It's like he's a magnet and you're metal.

He moves in closer until you can feel his minty breath against your lips and you inhale sharply when his long fingers gently graze against your forearm. Unconsciously, your hand fist his shirt, your eye's still refusing to leave his intense ones as he begins to close the space between you, "Do you want me to stop?"

Your other hand moves up to his shoulder, gripping tightly as if willing yourself to push him away, but it's as if all your strength has left your body and you can't. His hand moves up to your jaw, his thump caressing your flushed skin, and your eyes flutter shut at the feeling. It's nothing like you'd imagined, completely different. He's way more intoxicating.

"If you want me to stop, all you have to do it say so." When his lips move you can almost feel them brush against yours from the close proximity - the space between you disappearing as his lips meet yours and any ounce of logical thought leaves you. You helplessly lean into his warmth and he hums in response. Heat pools in your stomach at the sound and your fingers move through his hair, nails softly grazing against his scalp. It's like the part of you that knows how wrong this is has evaporated. It isn't until his tongue swipes against your bottom lip that you feel yourself fall back to reality.

You pull away from him like you've been burned, noticing the tears brimming in your eyes only after the fact. The longer you look up at Yoongi the more hysterical you become. 

"I-" He stops, his eyes falling on your neck, "Where did those come from?"

"I-I need to leave." You push past him just as the elevator doors open, ignoring the simmering rage you caught in his voice as it made you feel like someone had just tugged on your heart.

"____-"

"You have a girlfriend, Yoongi!" Your second outburst of the day causes him to flinch and pull his hand away from your arm, "I'm leaving."

You want to throw up, bang your head against a wall, and reprimand yourself on how utterly stupid you are all at once. All you really do wis click the button for the first floor though, while avoiding looking back up at Yoongi.

"I'm sorry."

That's the last thing you hear before the doors close and the elevator begins carrying you down.

.

.

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a/n: plz go easy on me this is my first time attempting any form of smut and i had to rewrite it several times cause it made me a lil nervous 😖👉👈

@team-work-made-the-dream-work @seokchella @crackhead1-800 @chogiyeol-utopia @thatchampagnebitch  @jeonchan26

[kileyrose-2003]

Dan Torrance x Fem! Reader: Intro

A/N: Hello lovelies! This is the beginning of the fic I posted about earlier during the week that is going to be revolved alot around Rose. How many parts It'll turn out being, I don't know. Most of this fic, I'm doing in pretty big detail and I've never written anything like this before.

I am going on a date on Valentine's Day to most likely see Birds of Prey and from what I've heard about it, my sappy Bisexual heart already has a soft spot for Harley Quinn and Roman Sionis so I probably will begin accepting request for them as well as the Dr. Sleep characters I already write for. (Doctor Sleep Request are still open) I do have 2 Rose the Hat request am I working on rn. Anyways, Criticism is welcome on this one. I hope you enjoy and all is well.

Warnings: Child abuse, sexual tension, mentioned violence against children, gore, kidnapping, the usual.

Key: Dragă is the equivalent to sweetheart in Romanian

1980:

SNAP! Rose the Hat removed the top from one of their many full cannisters. "Eat well, live long," She whispered amorously before members of The True pushed her out of the way to get a whiff of their freshest thing of steam.

She stepped back, crossing her arms as she watched The True feast. This one's name was Anthony and she could remember juiceness in the taste of his steam. Yet, she didn't want him.

She missed the feel of the hunt and seeing the steamheads squirm underneath her. Rose felt a pair of arms wrap around her waist and she smiled at Crow, kissing the crook of his neck. "Aren't we quite frisky?"

"Just in love with you." He kissed her cheek and rubbed up and down her sides. "Crow.." Her eyes rolled into the back of her head. "I want you Rosie..only if you're okay with it, of course."

"You idiot, you already know the answer to that question." She smashed her lips against his and the two of them stepped into her trailers.

The noises coming from her RV were not unfamiliar to anyone who belonged to The Knot. When all was said and done, the two laid in each other's arms. Having their typically late night talks.

"There's not as much steam." Rose rolled her eyes into the back of her head. "Oh please don't be daft." She rolled over and buried her head in his bare chest. "We have three empty cannisters, not a big deal."

"It is a big deal. That's all time low for us and the kids now are being taught the whole stranger danger things. It's not as easy to lure them in."

"Well then what do you suppose we do about it? Without turning anyone." Rose looked him in the eye.

"Well, I've been thinking about it for a while...I have an idea but I don't know if you're going to want to hear it. It's a little..unorthodox." Rose raised a brow and chuckled. "Oh? Do tell because now I'm curious.

"You're going to think I'm insane, Rosie." She rolled her eyes. "Oh please, you of all people know I've seen it all. Just be honest and tell me."

"What if we got a baby or a kid?" He fiddled around with his hat. Rose had to fight the urge to laugh. "A baby? What the fuck would we both do with a baby?"

"Well not exactly a baby but look, I was thinking most rube children typically tend to relate to other rube children better than adults."

"And?"

"And what if we got a child, a particularly steamy one, to help us get what we need?" Rose thought about it for a moment. "That beats the whole point of not turning anyone though. Because I know you well enough to know that eventually you will get attached to it and you'll end up wanting to turn it."

"Rosie, they wouldn't be an it. They would be family. By the time they would be old enough to be turned the cannisters would be full and she-"

"She?" Rose questioned. "Assuming it's a girl. They don't have be a girl but anyways, by that point all the cannisters would be full because we'd have them to help us find the steamheads and it wouldn't be an issue turning them because we'd have such an easier time finding steam."

Rose sighed rubbed her face. "I don't know..it's just- Crow, I'm not fit, no- we're not fit to raise children. We kill them, Crow!"

"I know but we have everything to gain and nothing to lose. Worse case we wipe the kid's mind and everything goes back to normal or we kill 'em."

Rose stared deeply into Crow's eyes and pulled his face close to her's. "I'll think about it." She kissed the top of his head and looked up at the clock on the wall. "The rubes are probably wondering when they'll hear from you. Time you get ready to get on the road, big man."

"I know," He groaned and stood up, kissing the top of her. "Just think about it?" Rose made a humming noise and kissed his hand before watching him walk away.

Rose actually did think about it for a while before bringing up the matter with the Grampa Flick while Crow was away on business and the others were asleep.

"Well..it could be worth a shot. It's really up to you though, Rosie." She took a sip of her tea. "I'm not asking for pros and cons. I want to know what you think I should do."

He gripped his cane in his hand and sighed. "I think it's worth a shot. Even if it doesn't work out, we still do end up with extra steam and it's not like we hurt for money, Rosie."

"You're sure?" Rose held her hands in his. "I'm positive." She looked him up and down as if she was analyzing him. "Okay." She stood up from the lawn chair and kissed the top of Flick's head. "You won't mention anything to Crow when he comes back and make sure the rest of the family doesn't either?"

"Not a word," He coughed. "Not a word." She nodded and smirked as she walked away.

About two days after that conversation, Rose began her search for the perfect fit for The Knot. The first two weeks she hit nothing but finally she found something.

Just outside of a resort area in Colorado, Rose discovered a small row of cookie cutter homes located on the beginnings of a mountain. While she thought the houses were very rube like, she paid them no mind. What interested her more was what laid beyond those homes.

Farther up the road if you made a left, there was a long dirt driveway that after about a mile or two, lead up to a large cabin.

At first the house seemed like nothing but ordinary at first glance but to people who shined the way The True Knot did, it was a light shining to the moths searching meaninglessly in the dark.

Hardly anyone ever came in and out of the house and took Rose over a week to actually pin you as the steamhead in the house since you did have an older brother.

You were different from the rest of your family. "Special," Rose heard your mother mutter to you one night as she tucked you though she didn't have to be in her head to know special was not the word she was actually thinking of.

She was scared of you. Your whole family was scared of you and Rose couldn't understand why. You never were particularly domineering with your gifts and you always obeyed everything they asked of you. Even staying out of there heads when they felt their minds going adrift yet, they were terrified of you.

Rose watched you for weeks, constantly consulting back and forth with Grampa Flick about whether you'd be a good fit for a group. You didn't seem to notice though, as you were preoccupied with other things in your home life and wanted nothing but to hear from at least either of your parents that they loved you.

The one night in particular, Rose got to have a front row seat on your pain. She sat up on a tree branch, swinging her legs back and forth as she stared intensely at your bedroom window. The rest of the house was dark but your room was lit up like a Christmas tree.

"Now do you see why we're so stressed out?!" Your silhouette came into view from the light colored curtains shrouding your window and Rose could make out the outline of a male much taller than standing across from you.

"I-i'm sorry, daddy!" You screamed, terror brimming from everything to your voice to your posture. "I-i can't help...I wanna be normal!" You sobbed hysterically. "Come on, dad. She can't help she is, the way she is."

"Quiet, son!" Rose shook her head, still keeping her eyes fixed you. "Fucking rubes," She muttered under her breath.

Your father's fiery gaze turned back to you. "Then why can't you be normal?!!" Rose could see him gripping your wrist and closed her eyes as she heard the sound of a hand smacking against flesh followed by a scream. "Dad!" She heard your brother yell followed by another hit, except this time a male cry radiated through the house.

Rose could take no more and began her way back to the jeep as she seen your mother's figure enter view. "What the hell is going on in here?" She could hear from the distance, the further Rose went the more she blocked out the noise.

She got in the car and watched your house for a few moments. The light went out in your room and Rose could hear no more screams. She admitted a sigh of relief and covered her face. She knew it was unhealthy to feel so attached to you. She didn't even know you but that insecurness in your voice reminded her so much of yourself and how lonely she felt when she was younger. Rose had to have you. There was no option.

When Rose shared the news with the rest of The Knot, there was hesitance at first but eventually they gave in. Knowing that she was their leader and they'd do as she intended anyways.

The next couple of days were spent carefully meditating in her RV away from the rest of The Knot and planting little worms your head. While Rose didn't think you would give her much trouble leaving home once she got in your head, she was taking no chances.

The night before she planned on taking you, Crow finally came back from business and Rose still had no intentions of telling him what she was doing. Besides an extra add on steam, she figured she could also use you as sort of a gift to Crow. An 'I'm sorry I don't listen to you and here's me making up for it.'

He knew something up when she refused to speak anyone in The Knot but didn't question it. He figured she was going through one of her moods and decided it was probably best not to say anything to her at all.

The next morning when you woke up, you felt an almost magnetic pull on your body like something or someone wanted your attention from outside. It wasn't a scary pull like the ones from whatever stray lost souls were around. This pull felt warm and safe.

You unbraided your long, Y/c/h and threw on the first dress you seen in your closet before skipping downstairs. "Where do you think you're going?" Your mother called out from the kitchen. "Just to pick some flowers." You made up.

"Don't wander to far, please." You slipped on a pair of sneakers. "I won't. I promise. I'll see you soon, mama." You blew her kiss, hoping she'd return the gesture but the older woman refused to even look at you and you stepped onto your porch dejectedly.

You closed your eyes and focused your attention to the direction of the pull. It came from the woods and you hesitated, thinking of all the ghostie people you seen come from there yet something kept telling you to just go for it.

You walked off towards the edge of the woods, letting your shine be your guide. Even though it was still day, everything was so dark and desolate around you. You felt chills on your arms the further you went and just as you were about to turn around you felt the pull grow stronger, horribly strong.

"Well, hi there!" You jumped at the unexpected voice and spun around to look at Rose. You squeezed your eyes shut, expecting her to morph into one of the ghostie people but she didn't. Rose chuckled and you blushed. "..Hi." You toddled over to the much the taller woman, staring deeply into her gray eyes before she pulled you into a small hug.

The gesture was surprising but it didn't bother you. It was her aura that bothered you. Something was off about her. "I was wondering when you were going to get here." She smiled and held out a flower in her left hand. "Do you want one?"

"Yes please," You hummed in the cutest little voice, getting the feeling that this was a person you didn't want to mess with yet you thought the top hat lady in front of you had to be probably the prettiest person you'd ever seen in your short existence.

Rose smiled and slipped the flower in your hand, but not before taking it gently in her own for a second. "There you are, Y/n." Your eyes widened and Rose chuckled. "What's the matter?"

"You know my name?" Rose smirked self assuredly and ran an empty hand through your hair. "Of course I do! I know everything about you. How else did you think I was able to get you here?" Her tone was questioning but hinted on a doting nature.

You pulled away from her, still a little frightened but Rose gently gripped your wrist. "There's no need to be scared, honey. I'm special, like you." You shook your head, thinking back to what your dad said the other week and looked down a little ashamed. "Oh...I-I'm not special." You tried to deny. "Oh yes, you are. You are a very talented little girl."

(You can hear me can't you, sweetie?)

At first a feeling of panic arose inside you but it sooned bubbled over with excitement.

(I thought I was the only one!)

Rose thought about scolding you over how loud your thought came out but let it go because she too knew how happy she felt the first she knew she wasn't alone.

(You are far from the only one, Y/n. There are alot of other special people out there.)

"My friends..my very, very best friends, they're all special like us. I bet you must have friends who are so magical like you." You shook your head. "No?"

"I don't have alot of friends and my family doesn't think I'm special," You pouted. "That's because they're jealous because not all people can be special like us. Besides, I wouldn't worry about them."

"Why?" You asked sweetly. "Because I'm here to take you away from all that. I'm here to give you a family. Don't you want a family, Y/n?"

"I-i already have a family." The look in Rose's eyes scared you. It was possessive and determined. "But they're not really family though. Tell me dear, when the last time you've heard either of your parents say they love you?" You felt a pang of sadness ringing through you. "I-i should get back to my mom." Rose gripped at your wrist again, this time enough to hurt. "No, no..stay a while. See more magic."

You shook your head and struggled. "Just a fresh new start with your real family. You don't remember me and your daddy?" She held your tiny hand in her's. "No.." You said softly but now you started to question yourself. Maybe you did. Pictures of a man with black hair flashed infront of your eyes. "He loves you so much. We love you so much and we want you to come home with us. You want to come home with." For a moment you found yourself taken back by the warmth and you thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad to go with her.

"N-no! I can't. I won't-" Rose shushed you, sending you calming waves that started to make you feel tired and sluggish. "Or maybe I-i do wanna go home." You mumbled hesitantly, still trying to keep some grip on reality. "You do want to go home. You're happy to come home."

Every piece of control you had began to fade and your mind went blank. "I-I'm happy." Your mind finally caved and Rose held her arms open to you and you stepped into them. "Good girl. Sleep well, Y/n.." You went limp in her arms and everything went black around you.

By the next hour, any memories you had of your family would be gone and everything you ever knew would be fabrications Rose made up in your head.

Part 1: The True Knot

The fire at The Knot's campground burned bright in the mix of the setting sun when Rose arrived back at home. She stepped out of the Jeep, slinging your stirring form over her shoulder. "Mhh..wha-what's happening?" Rose shushed you and walked down hill with you. "Nothing. We just got home." There was a pause. "Do you know who I am?"

You had to think about it for a moment. "M-mama?" You asked hesitantly. "Yes," Rose hummed and pressed a kiss to your temple.

You heard the crunching of leaves and turned to see people walking towards you. "Mommy?" You whispered nervously and held onto Rose's floral patterned shirt tightly, still feeling some of the residual emptiness from your true upbringing.

"Shh..it's okay, my sweet. They're family and they're just going to watch you for a few minutes. Mommy has someone she has to address in conversation and then I'll come get you. Okay?"

"O-okay." You nodded and let her hand you off to Silent Sarey as she walked off not to far in the distance to one of the larger size trailers, knocking on it before stepping inside.

"Crow?" He looked up from his copy of 'A Clockwork Orange' with a smile. "Yes, Rosie?" She plopped down in his lap. "I missed you." She kissed his ear, nipping at the cartilage. "How the business deal?"

"A waste of my time." He kissed her forehead. "Well, you were out I didn't waste my time." He raised a brow. "What are you playing at?" She smirked and turned her gaze in the opposite direction. "You can let her in now," She called out loudly.

The door to his trailer swung open and shut and you stepped inside. Crow's face went blank and he put a hand up to his chin. "Rosie, what the hell did you-"

Rose grinned and knelt down to your level. "Come here, Y/n. There's someone important I want you to meet."

You obeyed and approached Rose, letting her scoop you up in her arms. The two lovers exchanged glances but nothing was spoken out loud. "This is your daddy, Y/n."

"Hi." You smiled sweetly and Crow cracked a large grin. "Hi honey...Rosie, can I-" Rose nodded and shifted you over to Crow.

At first you tensed up but the closer you snuggled up to him, the more you relaxed. "My little darling." Rose smiled softly as he kissed the top of your head and rocked you in his arms. "I love you so much."

"I love you too daddy." Crow held you in silence for a few more minutes until he attempted to hand you off to Rose. You gripped onto his shirt tightly and buried your head in his chest. "Don't let me go," You begged. You were still so touch starved and he just felt so warm and kind.

Rose was slightly taken aback. You knew her more than Crow yet you were already attached to him. "I won't, I promise." He maneuvered you that way he was cradling you and he rocked you back and forth.

She felt a pang of jealousy growing inside her, feeling slightly threatened that you seemed to like Crow more than her but she didn't let it bother her too much. She had a feeling you were going to be a mommy's and daddy's girl.

It didn't take long for you to fall asleep, feeling soothed by Crow's presence. "So..are you happy?" Rose asked lowly.

"Very...Rosie?" She made a slight humming noise. "Where'd you find her?" He asked hesitantly. "A little outside the more touristy area of Colorado. The rubes she belonged to are nothing worth writing home about if you catch my drift."

He nodded solemnly. "How-what did you to her to make her-" Her warm grey eyes interlocked with his. "Do you care?" He decided he didn't. Sometimes it was best to not know anything at all.

Part 2: Danny

Your presence in The True Knot did not bring in that much of an increase in steam but you made it much easier to find steamheads which was extremely helpful to Crow in the long run.

No longer did he have to take an extra cannister for himself to find far away steamheads because all he'd have to do is ask you if you felt someone 'special like you,' close by and without knowing any better, you'd always say yes and immediately pointed him in the right direction.

Neither him or Rose let you near the rubes anymore, though. Not that long after Rose brought you home she had you try to lure a little girl over to her but the girl's parents, both big steamheads, knew better.

For you to be gone for a half an hour was normal, maybe even forty five minutes since you were a child after all and barely ever got to see kids your age, let alone like you but an hour was way too long.

What the rubes said or did to you neither Rose or Crow could figure out but the both of them agreed they didn't like the mortified expression on your face or the tears that stained your cheeks afterwards.

The two of them took turns securing their food, that way you wouldn't ever see what exactly it was that they did to your newly made friend but if Crow was being honest with himself, he probably would of admitted somewhere deep down he knew you probably knew the truth of what they did way before he would of liked you to know.

While Rose secured their meal he tried asking you alot of different ways what it was that they said or did to you but you wouldn't say. He let it slide for a while and settled on just comforting you for a while but made sure to bring up again later on when everything was all said and done with their hunt.

"You got to talk to me, Y/n," He tried his hardest to not sound like he was begging as he pulled the covers over your tiny. Rose stood in the corner of the RV and stared as if she was examining everything you said and did.

You shook your head avidly and nuzzled closely to his form. "I can't." He ran his fingers through your hair. "Why not? Honey, you know we're not mad and you're not in trouble."

"Because it would make you and mommy sad and I don't want to make either of you sad." Rose bit down on her lip as Crow thought of a reply. "Baby, you could never-"

"Leave her be, Crow," Rose interrupted. "She's had a long enough of a day and she doesn't need either of us interrogating her. When she's ready to talk about it, she will."

Crow let out a sigh and nodded. "Okay." He shut the light off above your bed and kissed both your cheeks. "Goodnight, sweetheart."

"Night daddy." He ran fingers through your hair one last time before stepping away.

The next morning when you woke up Rose sat across from you on your bed, lazily sipping on her tea. "Good morning, my sweet."

"Morning mommy." She plopped a kiss sloppily into your hair and handed you a cup of tea. "Can I have a little talk with you?" You nodded and set your cup of tea down on the ledge of the window.

You looked Rose deeply in the eyes and she took your tiny hands in her's. "I know you don't want to talk about what happened yesterday but I want you to know that not everything everyone says is necessarily true. You're understanding what I'm getting at?"

You nodded and Rose smiled. "Just know that no matter what, none of us would ever hurt you and we love you. Alright?"

"Okay." Rose reached inside the pocket of her jeans and pulled a necklace with a little crystal obelisk hanging from it. "This was given to me by someone very special a long time ago. You probably wouldn't know, but at one point I felt lonely like you. Maybe a little scared so they gave me this, along with my hat. My hat will always stay with me I think you need this more than I do."

She placed the necklace in your hand. "Whenever you feel, lost, scared, whatever. You squeeze that stone, and that stone will keep you safe. Got it?" You placed the necklace around your neck and nodded. "Thanks mommy." You hugged Rose tightly. "You're welcome, my dearest..I love you so much." She kissed your cheek. "I love you too, mama."

In that moment, Rose didn't care whether you even brought in steam or not. She truly just enjoyed you. It was the first time she could truly say she loved you. The whole Knot really did love you. They would do it all over again with raising you if they could and not change a thing about you or that entire duration of time. Except when they brought you to Florida.

December, 1980:

"Y/n, my love. It's morning." Rose gently shook your shoulders and you groaned. "Why are you all up so early?" You sat up and stretched. "We're going to move camp today." You raised a brow. "This early? I feel like we just got here," You whined sleepily.

"I know but daddy and I have some business to attend to." She ran her fingers through your hair. "You'll like the next place better. It has a pretty lake overlooking it and trees. There's lots of flowers there too." She paused and ran a thumb across your cheek. "We can pick some later if you want." You smiled softly. "I like flowers."

"I know you do, my sweet girl." Rose pulled you into her arms and held you for a few moments, kissing the top of your head. "Go get dressed and say good morning to daddy. He'll get aggravated if I keep asking him if we're ready to move."

You giggled and slid out of her lap. "Okay mama." You placed a tiny kiss on her cheek and picked out a bohemian dress from your dresser that Apron Annie sowed you once Rose gave her word you were the one.

"I don't think daddy could ever get mad at you." You mumbled as you slid the dress over your head. "He loves you alot. He doesn't even have to say it. I can see it in his mind." Rose smiled softly. "Daddy is a very loving man. He loves you alot too." You could tell she was trying to hide something from you and you attempted to get inside her head to figure out what she was thinking but she immediately shut you out.

"Mommy!" You whined. "Sorry sweetie. You're just not old enough yet." Rose ran a quick brush through your hair. "And then when you're old enough, you're not going to want to know." She plopped a kiss on the top of your head. "Now go on."

"Okay," You pouted and stepped outside. You seen Grampa Flick sitting outside on his lawn chair and waved. "Good morning, Grampa."

"Morning, dragă." He held his arms out to give you a hug which you immediately gave him. "Have you seen, papa?"

"His trailer." He pointed to the left. "Thanks Grampa." You kissed his cheeks and walked off in the other direction. You watched Crow fiddle a few of the bottom conpartments on his trailer before saying anything.

"Hi daddy!" Crow turned to look at you and smiled, stopping whatever he was doin. "Hey babe." He scooped you up in his arms and kissed your cheeks, his mustache tickling you slightly. "How'd you sleep?"

"Good. Mama and I cuddled last night so she kept me warm." You smiled happily. "She gives good cuddles, right?"

"The best!" You smiled and nuzzled closely to him. "Daddy, what's that for?" He turned his head to the side. "What's what for, sweetie?"

"That." You pointed to the rope by his feet and he kicked it aside quickly. "Oh..nothing you have to worry about." You furrowed your little brows curiously and he smiled gamely.

Was he trying to trick you or something? Crow chuckled and kissed your cheeks. "I don't have to be in your mind to know what you're thinking." He gently set you down on your feet and knelt down to your level. "We'll tell you when you're older, okay?"

"Okay, daddy." He placed a kiss on your forehead. "Good girl. Anyways-" He ran his fingers through your hair. "What do you need?"

"Mommy wanted to know if we were ready to go. She sent me because she was afraid to ask you. I don't know why though." Crow chuckled and shook his head. "You can tell mommy, I'll be ready in about thirty minutes. Got it?"

"Got it." You skipped away and Crow let out sigh, wondering just how much longer they could hide all this from you til you got too curious for your own good.

The ride to Florida was long and didn't have that much interesting scenery. The roads were long and straight and it didn't take you long to fall asleep in the passenger seat of Rose's colossal RV.

That whole time while she knew you were fast asleep, Rose used her radio system to formulate a plan on how they were going to trap Violet. Normally one of them would stay with you while other went with the rest of the group but this time they couldn't afford to have one of them stay. From what Rose could tell at the time, this kid was big steam all though it wouldn't be til years later it was in fact the wrong child she chose to take within just a few mile radius of each other.

Once you reached the campsite Rose quickly woke you up and informed you she had some business to attend to with Crow. "Y/n, stay inside while I'm out." You let out a groan. "But mama-"

"No buts." Rose knelt down to your level and ran her fingers through your hair. "It won't be that long."

"I don't like being by myself in here though. It's scary," You whined and nuzzled into her. You pointed to the cabinet she kept all the cannisters in. "I hear things in there and it makes me feel small and it's scary."

'And see things too.' You thought but wouldn't dare say outloud. You curled into Rose and she kissed the top of your head. "Hey, it's okay..Nothing can make you feel small unless you really feel small and tell me, what are you Y/n?"

"Tiny but mighty." Rose grinned proudly. "Exactly, so no. You are not afraid. Because I know whatever you hear coming from that cabinet, you can deal with. Right?" You nodded and she ran a hand through your hair. "You still have the necklace I gave you?"

"Yes mama." You squeezed the pendant hanging from your neck. "Good, that'll keep you nice and safe." You nodded and she pressed a kiss against your head, handing you her TV remote. "I'll be back, my flower."

She gave you a slight wave before slamming the door shut behind her. You quickly ran over to her bed and buried yourself under the covers as you turned the TV on.

'Snow White' was playing on one of those channels you were scrolling through and you settled down, snuggling into the blankets. You didn't know how long the movie was on when you felt a cold hand lace their hand on top of yours.

Your blood ran cold and you squeezed your eyes as your open hand squeezed the necklace your mother gave you. "You know, this movie used to be my favorite too when I was a little girl."

You seen the face of a bloodied and clearly beaten woman infront of you and you fell backwards off of Rose's bed. "When I was alive, I thought you were a freak but now I know you're special and I never got the chance to appreciate you, my special girl."

"Please..please, go away." You squeezed the necklace as hard as you could. If you weren't in Rose's possession, you would of known who the woman standing infront of you was automatically but now you hadn't a clue. "Stay safe, my little one." Your real mother bent down to kiss your head and you let out a scream before running as far as you could. "MAMA!!" You shrieked.

Not even 15 minutes later you were farther from Rose than you even were before and The True arrived back to where a majority of their trailers were parked with a hysterical Violet in tow.

"Please let me go! My mommy will be so worried about me. Please, please, please!" She begged. None of them paid her any mind though as they began to bound her. They were so used to the screams and begs by now, it didn't bother them.

"So where are we going after this?" Crow asked, as he threw a couple of items that they would need later to various unoccupied members of The True.

"I don't know. I was thinking maybe Massachusetts, because you know how Y/n loves the snow.." Rose continued to talk as Crow zoned out, putting the left over rope in the storage compartment of his RV. "..She is in your trailer, right?" Rose closed the door to her RV.

Crow furrowed his brows. "Who?" Rose sighed inwardly. "Y/n, Crow Daddy. She is in your trailer, I hope. Because she's not in mine." He closed the compartment and unlocked the door to the trailer. "Let me see."

He walked inside and shut the door behind him, examining the space for you. "Crow, she's there right?" You weren't. A spike of panic rised in him and he ran his fingers through his hair in a frustrated manner, unlocking an almost unconfident reserve on his face. "Uh, yeah..she's in there," He lied through his teeth, desperate to save him and you from Rose's wrath. "Rosie, is it okay if I stop with her really quick to get some fresh air?" He asked. "I don't care what you do. You'll be able to find your way back?"

"Sure." He smiled through gritted teeth even though Rose couldn't see him and silently cursed you underneath his breath. "Okay..tell Y/n, I love her." Rose began to walk off to her RV after making sure Barry had everything with Violet handled.

"I will.." He watched the rest of the caravan leave before getting behind the wheel and closing his eye. "Alright Y/n, let's hope my instincts are good enough."

Meanwhile a few minutes away in driving distance, as you passed the lakeside view Rose told you about, you heard noise coming from the distance and jumped back.

The more you listened though, the more you realized there was mostly children there. You walked up the small hill and watched them for a second. "So many rubes.' You thought to yourself. 'None of them like well..or not?'

You began to feel that same magnetic pull you felt from Rose the first time you encountered her and you found your eyes fixated on a boy sitting by himself.

You felt attached to your family but never did you feel such a connection strangers and you didn't know why. It wouldn't be until years later, you would put two and two together and realize the person infront of you was in fact your soulmate.

Despite your fear of all the rubes around you carefully approached the stranger sitting on the bench, not daring to put your guard down.

"You mind if I sit next to you?" The little boy shook his head and you sat down next to him. "What's your name?"

"..Danny." You smiled. "That's a nice name. I'm Y/n, it's nice to meet you." He didn't say anything back but you didn't mind. Your parents were both mostly laid back but if there was a thing they were big on, it was respect.

"..nice to meet you too. Sorry, I'm just having an off day." You shrugged. "I'm okay. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No..you wouldn't understand." The more you looked at him the more, the more you could tell he wasn't exactly so rube like.

(Is it because of this?)

The boy sitting next to you looked at you blankly. "Danny, I know you can hear me," You said softly. "No..not because of that. Well..maybe a little. She'll just keep coming until she gets me. I don't care what Dick says."

"Who will come and get you?" You asked then blushed. "Sorry, I shouldn't of pried." Dan shrugged dismissively and looked up towards his apartment building and pointed to the bathroom. "The lady in the bathroom."

A decaying woman flashed infront of your eyes and your posture stiffened. "You can see her, right?"

"Yeah, I see her..If it makes you feel better, I see scary things too sometimes." You took his hand in your equally tiny ones. Dan felt the urge to pull away from you but there was this warm element to you that made him feel comforted by you.

"Really?" You nodded solemnly and moved your hand away from his to take a necklace of your neck. It had a little crystal obelisk hanging from the bottom if it. "My mommy gave this to me for when I get scared. If you squeeze the crystal, it's supposed to make you feel safe." He said nothing and you put the obelisk in his hand. "I think you need it more than I do."

"You're sure?" You nodded and for the first time in a while, Danny Torrance actually gave a hint of a smile.

(Thanks, Y/n.)

(You're welcome.)

"Y/n?" You could hear someone calling your name and you turned around. "Y/n, honey?" You looked at Dan. "That's my daddy. I have to go before I get in trouble. Bye Danny."

"Bye." He was a person of very few words but it didn't bother you in the slightest. All you knew was you didn't want your dad to see him. You didn't know what was going on but you knew something wasn't right.

"Y/n?" You sprinted towards him. "Daddy!" You exclaimed. Crow's eyes went wide with relief. "Y/n." Your father pulled you close to him. "Don't you run off like that EVER again. You understand me?" You could see his infrequent temper in his eyes and you were quick to nod. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"I-i-" Crow didn't bother to wait for a response from you before he continued speaking.

"People out here are bad, Y/n. They'd hurt you in a heartbeat." He cupped the sides of your face. "Do you know or did you even think about how upset your mother and I would be if you just disappeared?"

You felt your heart sink and your lips trembled. You knew there was a possibility they might do bad things but that didn't mean you didn't love them because of it. You felt so selfish and cruel. "I-i didn't think about it. I'm sorry daddy.." Your eyes watered as you looked down at the ground and he sighed. "Just don't do it again, got it?" He wiped one of your tears away. "Yes daddy. Y-you're not going to tell mommy, are you?"

Crow kissed your cheeks gently. "No, I won't tell her. I think this can be our little secret. What do you think?" You let out a giggle and Crow smiled. "That's my girl. Come on, let's get you back to the caravan before mom notices we're gone because you know how she gets."

You nodded and held your arms out to Crow who immediately scooped you up. You wrapped your tiny arms around his neck and nuzzled closely to him as he carried you away.

(Y/n?)

You smiled softly as you felt that little ping in your head.

(Yeah, Danny?)

(Am I ever going to see you again?)

You paused before responding.

(Maybe. I hope so because I like you Danny.)

(Me too, Y/n.)

You felt one of Crow's finger poking your shoulder and you pulled yourself out of your thoughts. "Yes, daddy?" You asked. "Did you feel someone steamy?" He whispered in your ear.

You thought about telling the truth but thought of Danny. You only just met him but something deep down told you, you couldn't let him get hurt. Maybe..just maybe, all rubes weren't so bad after all. "No, daddy," You lied.

"You're sure?" He pressed. "I'm sure." Crow sighed and patted your back. It would of been nice to have double the amount of steamheads but he supposed Violet would be enough to sustain them for a while. Besides, beggars couldn't be choosers and he trusted you enough to think you wouldn't lie to him. "Okay, honey.."

The next time you would see Danny Torrance after that fateful December day, would be 26 years later and by that time any bridge you had built with The True Knot would be burned.

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Thirty-Four

Table of Content or Part Thirty-Three

Word Count: 4.4k

Warning(s): Explicit language, Mentions of drug abuse, Explicit sexual situations

A/N: To the anon that asked about the pictures before chapters, I gave it a shot. Let me know what you guys think. Cintia Dicker is who I've always imagined as Viv (only difference is Viv has green eyes and Cintia has blue). Have a good night guys!!

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"...We're about to go on in a couple minutes, we're already late." Duff tells me, frustrated, after explaining everything he, Izzy, Axl, Slash, and Steven have endured ever since they left L.A. to embark on their first little tour as a band, along the west coast.

The first stop was his home town, and everything from losing equipment, losing their only form of transportation, hitch hiking in suffocating heat, spending all the money shared between them for a ride, and anything else that could go wrong, happened all under 24 hours.

After getting the full run down on what all had happened once they got back home, I decided the devil works hard, but Guns N' Roses work harder.

"Well, I wish I could have gone but I'm trying to get Nikki to acknowledge Vince before they start touring." I tell him, scrubbing at a soapy dish, the kitchen phone caught between my ear and my shoulder.

"Still?"

"He offered Vince blow the other day, after Vince just got out of jail, and is supposed to be sober. It wasn't blow. It was smack." I explain.

"Oh my God, that's fucked." Duff tells me.

"Him and Tommy thought it was the funniest thing ever so I replaced all their blow with unscented baby powder and flushed the real thing." I explain and he laughs. "They've been wondering why their blow is 'broken'."

"Now, is that what Jesus would do?" He asks jokingly.

"God gave me the idea. I did it. I am a good and faithful servant." I state and he laughs again.

"Oh, I gotta go, Viv." He tells me.

"Alright, good luck." I say, hearing Steven say "Hey, Viv!"

"Steven says 'hey'." Duff lets me know and I smile to myself.

"Tell him I said, 'hey'."

"I will. I'll talk to you again whenever I can." He assures me. "Love you."

"Love you, too."

"Bye."

"Bye-bye."

We both hang up and I rinse the dish I've been working on and place it in the dish wrack.

Glancing at the clock to see it's 8:00pm, Nikki should be back from the studio soon.

I finish up on the dishes and go take a shower since I've been stress cleaning and sweating a little.

By the time I get out and get lounging clothes on, Nikki and Tommy are in the kitchen talking, and go silent when I come in

"Hey, babe." Nikki tells me innocently, he and Tommy exchanging mischevious looks.

"What?" I ask them, glancing between the two of them.

"So...I was thinking..." Nikki starts. "...You know how you told me not to buy the vette last year, right? Because it only had two seats and we might have kids down the line and it's not really a family car."

"Yeah." I reply, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Well, because I'm a responsible husband and a happy wife equals a happy life, I made an investment." He tells me and I cross my arms.

"What kind of investment, Mr. Sixx?" I roll my jaw.

"Well..." Nikki trails off, and I'm darting for the front door before he or Tommy can grab me.

I swing the front door open to see a brand new jeep in the driveway.

"Nikki Sixx!" I spin around and he and Tommy wince a little. "You bought a car?! Another one?!"

"The vette's are the town cars, baby, the jeep is for more practical use."

"Like the motorcycle in our garage is for 'nights out with the guys'?"

"Exactly!" Tommy pipes in.

In a matter of seconds, I'm chasing Nikki back into the house.

"I'm going to kill you!" I threaten him.

"Tommy, grab her!" Nikki laughs out, which only makes me even more upset that my frustration is amusing to him.

Tommy misses me buy a few seconds before I'm jumping over the couch and tackling Nikki, straddling him and pinning him by his forearms.

"We don't have the money for a new car, Nikki!" I tell him, seriously.

"The album releases in two weeks, Viv. We've got more money than you think." He chuckles, assuring me, and I let out a breath as his eyes drift over my body, raising a brow at our position. "But I can pretend we're dirt broke if you promise to keep man handling me."

"Do I need to get you guys the video camera and leave you to it?" Tommy reminds us he's still here.

"Yeah, it's about time to add Volume Three to the collection, anyway." Nikki states, the corner of his mouth pulling up in his signature smirk.

Before your imagination runs wild, none of our sex tapes are still in existence. When Tommy and Vince's got out, I knew damn well I wasn't about to be best known for a sex tape(s)...

So they were all run over in the driveway and lit on fire.

"Speaking of the release," Nikki starts, nudging at me. "Our anniversary's the next week, but what're you wanting to do for a anniversary present—"

"—Your anniversary present is in the garage. And the driveway. And require insurance. And gas. And maintenance." I correct him and he rolls his eyes.

"I meant your present." He tells me. "What do think you might want?"

"I don't know." I shrug, then I remember what day our anniversary falls on, and slowly look at Nikki, my lips pulling into a smug smile.

I'm still not sorry for what I asked for, for our anniversary. But you know what? Hungover, slightly doped up from the night before, and exhausted, my trooper of a husband got himself together long enough to endure his own personal hell.

Nikki glares at me from behind his sunglasses as the preacher leads us into prayer and I nudge him with my elbow a little so he'll at least bow his head and pretend to care.

"Father in Heaven we pray, forgive us of our sins, Lord. God, we ask that you bless this message and prepare the hearts of those that need to hear it. I pray that you continue to watch over us, keep your hand upon us, and help us to be better. In Jesus' name I pray, amen."

"Amen." We all say, and Nikki scoffs out a mocking little snicker, making me elbow him and he raises his brows.

His smug look immediately falls.

I can't see his eyes but I know he's saying, "elbow me again and see what happens."

"If you turn in your Bibles to the book of Hosea, chapter three, verse one..." Brother Harting starts, and I take pick my jacket up from my lap to get my Bible from underneath it.

I flip to Hosea 3:1, and read along in my mind as he reads aloud:

"Then the Lord said unto me, Go yet, love a woman beloved of her friend, yet an adulteress, according to the love of the Lord toward the children of Israel, who look to other gods, and love flagons of wine." He says, before looking up from the book. "To put it simply, for those of you not quite sure what that means, God is telling Hosea to marry a prostitute. The children of Israel at this time were beginning to stray from God and worship other gods and idols. They were not faithful to God. Like Gomer, Hosea's wife. I'm sure when he married her, he hoped she would stop selling herself and giving herself to other people." He explains. "Isn't it strange that so many of us assume marriage, or a child, will keep their significant other from giving parts of themselves to other people and other things when they were selling themselves to someone or something long before you even came along?" He chuckles out and I rub my lips together, a chord being struck within me. "God told Hosea to marry Gomer, and he did. But she didn't stay faithful. In fact, Hosea had to repeatedly go find her with other men and bring her back home. Now, God didn't tell Hosea to marry a woman that seemed like she could not, for the life of her, stay committed in the right path, to hurt him. God wanted to demonstrate how Israel was repeatedly unfaithful towards him. How we are all unfaithful to him at times, even when we don't realize it. Some of us even worship idols, and don't realize it. Obsession over money. Obsession over lust. Obsession over alcohol. If you are a workaholic..." He names a few examples.

"Cute, can we go now?" Nikki's grumbling under his breath to me and I don't even look at him, lacing my fingers through his, hoping to keep him quite like giving a baby a pacifier.

"I'm not saying wanting money, or having a drink with your dinner, or enjoying your work or really enjoying sex, is idolatry. It is when those things become addictive habits that consume your thoughts constantly, so much so, that you wake up one day and realize you haven't even acknowledged God in weeks. Some of us, months. For others, it's years. And when I say 'acknowledge God' I don't mean a little 'thank God' when something goes your way. I mean, getting in that comfortable space we all have when we can humbly approach God with all of our worries, concerns, hopes, dreams, and tell him about everything going on in our lives. When we take the time to talk to him like we would a friend. God wants to hear everything from us, whether it's something good that's happened, or something we need him to heal within us or help us with something we are struggling to do. He is never too busy." He smiles. "Hosea constantly chased and went after Gomer because he loved her. He made vows to God to marry her and he grew to love her. God loved the children of Israel, and he loves us. He used Hosea as a demonstration of how he always pursues and goes after his church when each of us stray, and let me tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, when Gomer got herself into a mess for the last time, she was about to be sold, like cattle. And Hosea went looking for her thinking she was up to her typical no good. But he came up on the auction she was being sold at. Keep in mind this woman had put him through years of hurt, and pain. He was exhausted, he was angry, he was broken...but he saw his wife about to be sold to men who would most definitely put her through hell, and Hosea suddenly couldn't see his wife's wrong doings. He just saw the woman he loved, the mother of his children, scared and in trouble. And he threw his hand up, and placed a bid for thirty pieces of silver on this woman. Six months worth of wages on a woman that seemed to do everything in her power to not be faithful to him."

"I think fucking not." Nikki doesn't even try to be quiet, causing a few people in front of us to quickly glance back at us.

I elbow him, harder this time, and he's grabbing at my wrist, harshly, pulling me to my feet.

Anger and frustration goes through me when he leads me through the double doors of the very small lobby.

"You're being a jackass." I hiss out the second he's pushed me into the ladies' room that consists of one toilet and a small sink.

"You're being a brat. You should be happy I even came to this bullshit." He snaps.

"One time isn't gonna kill you, Nikki. I'm surprised you're actually able to walk into a church and not burst into flames."

"Okay, fuck you!" He raises his voice and my hand is popping him in the chest before I can stop myself, "Shh!" flying past my lips.

His teeth grind together, and my thighs tense.

His hand is grabbing a fist full of my red locks, yanking my head back as he looks me in the eyes.

It's a slap in the face to him, but I can't help but let out a mocking chuckle, smiling up at him.

I completely disregard the fact we're in church, and my hands slide under his shirt, feeling his warm skin, my nails scratching down his sides.

He's letting go of my hair, reaching between us, and unbuckling his belt and tugging it out of his belt loops.

I squeeze my thighs together as anticipation starts building within my core, creating a slip between my thighs.

He's grabbing my arm and spinning me around to face the wall, shoving me forward.

My hands brace on the chipped, faint yellow paint, and he's yanking my hips back and spreading my legs while yanking my dress up and my panties down to rest around my ankles.

He gives me a moment of mercy, his hand reaching around to rub my clit while his leather restrained prick grinds against my ass, causing me to let out a quiet moan to avoid being heard.

Just as I start moving with his fingers, he pulls away.

"Bad girls don't get rewarded." He tells me smartly in my ear before I'm feeling heat radiate through my body after the sharp sting of leather hits my skin.

I take in a breath, arching my back, biting back another moan. 

By the time he's finished with lick number ten, my ass is bright red and aching, and there's a mess of wetness rolling down my legs and dripping on the floor.

I hear his belt hit the floor and he unties the laces of his pants, causing me to hum with excitement as he reaches for my hair again and turns me around to pull me to my knees.

I lick my lips as my mouth begins to water at the sight of engorged veins, aching for release as he strokes himself a couple of times, his precum beading out of his tip.

I open my mouth and stick my tongue out eagerly, looking up at him with begging, green eyes, wanting to taste him.

He looks down at me with a little grin, like he's proud he's been able to screw the submission into his innocent little "my body's a temple" Saint Vivian and corrupt her in every way that she would allow.

He gives me what I want, swiping the tip of himself across my tongue. I don't think he's expected me to wrap my tongue and lips around him just yet because when I do, he's gripping onto the side of the sink with white knuckles.

I hungrily swallow down the liquid leaking from him, thriving under his praise as he says:

"God, you're so fuckin' hot."

I press teasing kisses to his tip, down the underside of his shaft, and his balls, and he damn near collapses when I run my tongue over them before tracing my tongue back up him and taking him in my mouth.

He grabs at my hair, creating a punishing pace that's got tears running from the corners of my eyes with each thrust that has him brushing against the back of my throat.

When he finally lets me catch my breath, a line of my spit holds from my lips to his cock, so I catch it with my fingers and use it to keep jerking him off.

My pussy is beginning to throb, needing something, anything to relieve the pressure.

The fingers of my free hand fall to my clit, but it isn't quite enough.

I believe I take "bitch in heat" to a whole other level when I pull my dress up and strategically arch my back and rest my legs on either side of Nikki's right foot.

He looks at me, a little confused before I spread my thighs a little more, causing my clit to rest against the curve of Nikki's boot where his ankle meets his leg.

My eyes roll back as I begin to move back and forth, slowly against him, while still keeping my hand moving up and down on his dick.

I don't open my eyes until I feel him lift the toe of his shoe a little bit, angling the part I'm straddling to rest against my soaked sex perfectly.

My eyes stare up at him, the nails of my free hand bite into the back of his lower thigh as I use him for leverage while beginning to move feverishly against him.

He takes over on himself, allowing me to hold onto his leg with both hands as he watches me like I'm the most beautiful woman he has ever seen.

Tears stream down my face as my orgasm builds, the only thing able to come out of my mouth is "Oh, fuck" and "Nikki" in the form of breathy whimpers.

When I come, my eyes screw shut, my body shutters and I completely soak Nikki's boot.

"Face, mouth, or tits?" Nikki asks me in regards to where I want his cum.

I swallow every last drop.

After making sure my crucifix wasn't crooked, my floral Sunday dress and matching heels were perfectly put back on and my hair looked like it had never been touched, Nikki and I pretended we hadn't had a little anniversary gathering in the bathroom and returned to service in time to hear that last tid bit.

In which Nikki was pissed about having to sit through, but I suppose he did anyway without any more complaints because he knew it was important to me.

"Hosea bought his wife back, like Christ bought all of us with his bloodshed on the cross. That being said, let's throw out the idea that God only chases after perfect Christians and everyone else is no good and going to hell anyway so it's the perfect Christians' job to tell everyone else they're going to burn forever." Harting states as Nikki and I slip back inside, and I scoff, thinking of my mother. "We are all sinners, people. I've known Christians that condemn just about everyone and then go home and do the equivelant of what they were condemning others for. You can't tell homosexuals they are going to hell and there is no hope for them, and then go out and have sex outside of marriage. Or say tattoos are a show of paganism and a sin and then go home and call up your friends to gossip about other people. You don't get to decide what is and isn't a sin to better suit your lifestyle. And just because someone isn't like you or doesn't think like you, does not mean they are any less worthy of God's love and a lot of Christians need to be careful who they damn to hell because God doesn't think like human's do. Our bodies, our flesh, and our mind's are imperfect and I'm affraid many of these holier-than-thou types are going to be shocked when they end up in a place they don't want to be when they die because they spent too much time alive being too hateful and worried about how other people are living, they never looked at themselves and worked on their own relationship with God and their salvation before minding other people's. Any born again Christian who truly has God in their hearts should never, ever, feel comfortable telling someone else they are going to hell. We can disagree with someone's choices and decisions or relationships and friendships or addictions and habits or view points and opinions, and love them. And respect them. And be kind to them. And treat them like human beings and if you're worried for someone's soul, pray for them as much as you want. We are here to love and uplift others. That is the way we as Christians are meant to be because that is the way God is with us. We do things all the time he doesn't like. But he loves us enough to continously chase after us and bring us back to him, and never give up on us. And that love is open to anyone willing to accept it."

He closes out his sermon and we sing one last hymn before closing out in prayer, and head back to the car.

"Well?" I ask him and he takes his sunglasses off and rubs his eyes.

"I don't know what was more adorable: seeing you all enthused over someone that doesn't exist, or seeing you have my dick in your throat during church." He pipes, laughing. "Oh, that would be cool game to play. I could be the Pervy Priest and you could be the Naughty Nun." He suggest, his hand squeezing at my thigh in a tickling motion and I squeal, fighting to get him to stop tickling me and he finally stops."It was a good message, though. He had a very nice way of saying, 'just mind your own fucking business, cunt face'."

"Shh, Nikki!" I cringe at him saying 'cunt' in the parkinglot of a church.

"Oh, sorry, didn't mean to swear in the Lord's driveway." He sarcastically apologizes and I shake my head a little and crank the car.

Later that night, Nikki heads to Robbin's place to score some smack and blow from his dealer, before we go out to dinner, and I'm stopping by to see Duff and the guys at their rehearsal.

The clicks of my heels sound against the bare concrete where stained up carpet as been ripped up.

I see two masses of teased, blonde hair in the corner by a drum kit, a fluff ball of black, curly hair laying in the floor wear sunglasses, and teased red hair.

"Duff." Izzy states, and I turn to see him on a holed up couch in the corner, cigarette hanging from his lips.

"Izzy." I acknowledge him.

"Viv." He replies in the same tone, not bothering to look up from his guitar.

"Yeah?" Duff asks, glancing over at him to see me. "Hey!" He immediately stops what he's doing to come over, the other three boys looking up at me as well. "What're you doing here?" He asks, hugging me, and I look up at him after seeing Steven coming over here.

"Nikki and I were about to go out for our anniversary and I decided to come by since I haven't talked to you in a couple weeks. But, um, I know you've been busy I just thought I would stop by." I explain, smiling when Steven's energetic vibe spills over to me when he squeezes me to him.

"Well, we were just taking a break if you wanna hangout for a little bit." Duff offers.

I glance at Axl over Duff's shoulder, seeing he's irritated, and I let out a breath.

My relationship with Axl was about how my relationship with Vince was.

We loved to hate each other.

But not because Axl was a pig like Vince was. But because he and I were the same exact person.

I don't know if it was the overzealous religious up bringing forced upon us, or our struggles with similar mental disorders, but we both had the same nearly uncontrollable temper.

We got along most of the time, our issue, though, was that we saw things differently, and would get into heated arguments.

The longer the band stayed together, the worse Axl got.

It became more and more about him, and not so much the band.

When Steven was fired for getting too deep into heroin (as if he was the only one in the band with addiction issues) Axl had the honor Robbin, Vince, and Doc, all had been given: my fist to his face.

He was trying his hardest not to punch me back as I yelled:

"I'm not in your fucking band, I'm not on your fucking payroll, so I have no problem telling you, you're a fucking piece of shit and you need a hell of a lot more help than what you're getting right now! You're acting like a trigger happy crazy person, you have got your band members paranoid about who's gonna go next and for the love of God, Axl, of all the ways you could have handled the man that has saved your wife's life not once, but twice, you fire him for doing something you idiots were glorifying three years ago?! Get your shit together, Rose, because you're getting fucking messy!"

I had quoted him, from when he said, "get your shit together, Sixx, because you're getting fucking messy" after Duff and I had nearly been caught by Nikki.

The entire time they were on tour with us, Axl was paranoid Nikki would find out Duff and I were friendly with each other, kick Guns off the tour, and blacklist them through the label...

He got even more uptight when Steven and Slash accidentally gave me weed brownies a few days into the tour, and I was stoned out of my mind for six hours straight, and Steven, Slash, Duff, and were chasing me around and trying to make sure I didn't make it obvious to anyone on Mötley's team or Nikki, Tommy, Vince and Mick, that the supporting band got Nikki's stone cold sober wife high as a kite. Izzy just found it amusing.

One thing about Axl, though. He taught Tansy how to stick up for herself, which gave her the courage to publicly out her abusers in her agency and industry. I guess that's why I didn't kill him despite the many times I heavily considered it.

"I would hang around, but, I've really gotta get going." I tell Duff. "But I'll call you tomorrow or Tuesday and we can figure out when a good time to hangout before I go to Japan, alright?"

"Okay." He nods.

"Okay, I gotta go, Steven." I squeeze him equally as tight as he is me, ruffling his hair a little.

"Boo! Buzzkill." He protests my leaving and I roll my eyes as he steps back to his drums.

"I'll talk to you later." I tell Duff, standing on my tip toes to kiss his cheek innocently.

"Yeah. Have fun tonight." He tells me. "And happy anniversary."

"Thank you, sweetie." I say as I wipe my lipstick from his cheek. "Love you, be good." I tell them before turning to go.

"Love you." Steven and Duff say back.

"Viv." Izzy tells me as I head for the door, as his way of saying 'bye'.

"Izzy." I reply, before stepping out.

[shawnpetermuffins]

In Case You Didn't Know

(Based off In Case You Didn't Know by Brett Young)

Summary: Shawn's so in love with you, but he doesn't know how to say it.

A/n: this is all over the place, theres time jumps and flashbacks and no real distinction between them, so yeah. I actually really like this song and I might end up writing some more stories based off songs, so let me know if you want that.

Requested: no

Warnings: just fluff

***

I can't count the times / I almost said what's on my mind / but I didn't

She's sleeping soundly on the couch, head laying on the arm rest, blanket up to her shoulders. She's absolutely beautiful, I think to myself. Her hair falls messily in her face, lips parted with a soft snore, and even though she's covered, I know her arms are wrapped around her middle in an attempt to keep warm in this arctic apartment of mine. I make a mental note to turn on the heater after I take her up to bed. She couldn’t even make it through half of the movie before her eyes became heavy, and if I was interested in watching the movie, I wouldn’t have even noticed, but I was watching her the whole time. It’s the first time I’ve been able to see her this way, completely exhausted from studying for her exams, hair a mess, face bare and slightly red and blotchy from stress crying.

I want so badly to wake her sleeping figure and tell her to just quit, come on the road with me for the second leg of tour. I’ll take care of everything; I’ll take care of her. Anything she wants, it’s hers, no questions asked. But I can’t tell her that. Because no matter how stressed she is now, I know it doesn’t change how incandescently happy she is when she talks about her favorite class, her favorite professor. The way she talks about all the things she’s going to change when she finishes school.

Just the other day / wrote down all the things I’d say / but I couldn’t / I just couldn’t

Being with her only a few months, eight to be exact, I keep finding myself refraining from telling her how I feel. And I know that being on tour for six out of the eight months we’ve been together is definitely taking a toll on her, and me too. I’m never here when she needs me, and to see her the way she is right now, I know that I can’t keep these feelings from her much longer.

Because if she’s crying over a test that she’s about to take when I am here, I’m scared to know what she cries about when I’m not. Does she cry about me? About me not being here? When I left before, she held in the tears - so did I - but we’d only been together a month. Maybe she didn’t want to seem too attached. I know I didn’t, but Brian knows how much leaving her put me in this week long funk. I called and texted her constantly until I realized that doing that only made it even harder to be away from her. So I calmed a bit, not by choice, but by necessity.

Seeing her sleeping so peacefully, now curled in my sheets, hugging my pillow, I can’t help but smile. I could write a million songs just about this moments alone, and that’s exactly what I go back to the living room to do. To write yet another song about the girl in my bed, hoping and praying that she’ll still be there come daybreak.

Baby I know that you’ve been wondering / mmm, so here goes nothing / in case you didn’t know / baby I’m crazy ‘bout you

Sheets of paper litter the top of the piano, the coffee table, literally any surface that was once clear isn't now. I'm scribbling out a new lyric, and start strumming the melody that's been stuck in my head since she fell asleep next to me.

My mind is a jumbled mess. She has me feeling every possible emotion and I can't convey it in just one song. So every new idea gets written down and I hope I'll find a place for it in another song later. I'm going crazy, my mind working faster than my hand can write, and the song doesn't sound right with the guitar riff, but then it doesn't sound right with the piano. It's all wrong. None of it is good enough for her and I need it to be good enough.

And I would be lying if I said that I could live this life without you / even though / I don't tell you all the time / You had my heart a long, long time ago / in case you didn't know

I know it hasn't even been a year and I sound like a love sick puppy. And that if you ask anyone that doesn't know me personally, they'd say that this relationship is all for show. That I'm doing it for the publicity. That she's getting paid. None of it's true.

She's everything I have ever wanted. Ever needed. And its so hard for me to think back to even just nine months ago. I wonder how I did anything before her. How did I cope with my anxiety when she wasn't there coaxing me through it, lulling me back to reality and not the fucked up place my mind always wandered to?

If I can't think back to nine months ago, before she became my everything, how am I supposed to look forward and not see her in every possible situation that I could be put it?

The way you look tonight / that second glass of wine / that did it, mmm

Dinner at her apartment is everything. Except she won't let me actually cook. She's scared I'll burn the building down. Which, to be fair, could very well happen. So I'm only allowed to cut things, and of course pour her wine. She's stirring the rice while I sit at the little bar area, head resting in my hand while I stare lovingly at her. Her cheeks are slightly pink from both the heat from the stove and from the glass of red she's sipping from.

"You're staring," she says softly, and looks over at me.

I clear my throat and look down at my half empty glass, "Sorry. Can't help it. You're just so pretty."

She looked down at her outfit, and squinted skeptically at me. "Jeans and a two-sizes-too-big flannel? Oh yeah, I'm sure I look real cute," she replies sarcastically, with a disbelieving eye roll.

"You do," I say, matter-of-factly. "With you hair pulled up like that," I gesture to pony tail that was currently falling because she didn't wrap the rubber band around enough. "And your eyes just being as beautiful and bright as ever. How could I not stare at you forever?"

This causes her to become even more red, if that's possible, and I pull out my phone, swiftly snapping a picture of her because she is just so pretty and I want to see her like this forever.

"Stop it!" She whines, turning away from me.

"But you look so cute," I say, turning my phone around so she can see the vibrant blush on her cheeks.

She just shakes her head and takes another sip. I can't help but watch the way her lips curve around the lip of the glass, and my whole body tingles at the promise of those lips touching mine later.

There was something 'bout that kiss/ girl it did me in / got me thinking / I've been thinking

I pull her body close to mine when she puts the dishes in the sink. "Thank you for tonight," I mumble into her shoulder.

She hums and her hands cover mine on her stomach. "You're welcome bub. So glad you could make some time for a meal this week. I was starting to think you didn't eat," she says teasingly.

I manage a small apology, pressing my lips to the soft skin of her collar bone. I know I've been literally everywhere but with her this week and it's been killing me. But even just a night like this was enough to make me forget about all my stress up to this point.

She turns her head to face me and plays with my currently overfluffy curls. "I adore you, my little rockstar," she whispered into my hair.

I look up at her with a sleepy smile and hooded eyes. I only have a second to react before her lips press to mine in a soft, passionate kiss. And all I can think is that I could stay this way for the rest of my life and never get tired of the feel of her lips.

One of those things that I've been feeling / mmm, it's time you hear 'em

I'm still watching her as we wash the dishes together. She's washing, I'm drying. It's the simplest of systems, but it's also so domesticated and it makes me sad knowing that I can't give her that domestic life one day. Husband a d kids, nice suburban home to come to every night. I'm traveling too often to give her that simple life that she so desperately deserves, even though she's told me before that she doesn't care about that.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" She asks after washing the last plate, handing it to me. I smile sheepishly at the way she's leaning against the counter, one leg crossed in front of the other, hands playing with the neck of her shirt.

I finish drying the plate before I speak. I place the towel I was holding on the counter and reach for her hands. "Can I tell you something, pumpkin?"

You've got all of me / I belong to you / yeah you're my everything / in case you didn't know

"Anything," she squeezes my hands reassuringly.

I can't look into her eyes, so I stare at our linked hands and sigh contently at the feel of her small, soft, cold hands in my large, calloused, hot hands. I don't know why telling her this is so hard for me, it shouldn't be. I write about love all the time.

But I've never felt it. Not like this. Not when my heart feels like it's literally about to burst out of my chest when she smiles at me. Not when I can't help but stumble on my way to her because I'm staring so hard that I trip over my own feet. Not when an interviewer asks me what my favorite thing about going home is and my immediate thought is her. She's my home. Whether we live together or not. She's it. She's my everything and that's fucking terrifying. I never thought I would become this dependent on someone else.

"Bub, what's going on inside that beautiful head of yours?" She asks, breaking me from my own thoughts, trying to catch my eye.

I swallow the lump forming in my throat and finally meet her intense gaze. If I had to decipher what that look meant, I'd say she was looking at me the same way I look at her. With that endless amount of love, lust, compassion, and adoration that my expression hopefully conveys. Why she chose me of all the people to be with, I'll never know. But she did. So I say it.

"I love you," I finally manage to say, but it's so low I don't even know if she heard me.

She doesn't respond for a while and I'm searching her face for any sign that it'll give me, saying that I crossed a line, that we weren't ready. But just as I'm opening my mouth to apologize, her lips cover mine, tongue slipping effortlessly into my mouth. And I hold her body tight against me, so tight I don't think she can breathe properly, but she makes no move to leave my arms and I have no intention of letting her go. So I hold her while we kiss under the harsh light of her kitchen and I let out a low whimper when she goes to ultimately pull away.

"Say it again," she begs.

And I do, kissing her cheek. "I love you." Her nose, "I love you." Her forehead, "I love you." And finally, once again. Her lips. "I love you."

She sighs, eyes fluttering shut while her fingers trace my jaw and then the curves of my mouth, my nose. "I love you, too." She kisses both of my eyelids before she says it again. "I love you so much."

***

Tags: @curlyshawny @shawns-badreputation @anamariel2301 @bbellbagel @turtoix @tomshufflepuff @ivegotparticulartaste

I've literally been writing this since February and it's not even the way I wanted it 🤷‍♀️ but I hope you guys enjoyed reading it. A little fluff to counteract with the angst I gave y'all on Wednesday.

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