#I can't stop thinking about Friday's therapy session

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

.

[oddree13]

Steddie Midwest Emo AU

Steddie and honestly Stranger Things as a whole is ripe for a Midwest Emo AU. Maybe I've been listening to too much Front Bottoms or whatever, but I can't get it out of my head.

Because picture Steve leaving the Upside-Down for the last time and unable to cope with life. And Steve really doesn't think he needs the government-mandated therapy but the kids do, so he goes to set a good example. Because even after everything Steve is still trying his best for the Party even if nothing supernatural is coming after them.

The session start of basic, and he's convinced that the person he's assigned should have Eddie or Robin as a patient with how laid back and weird he is, but he's stuck with Tim for the foreseeable future and he'll deal. He deals until Tim one day brings up music therapy and Steve thinks he should just take the guitar Tim hands him and bash it over his head because he's here to process the hell of his life not learn an instrument.

"I'm not going to be any good at it, Tim."

"Who cares? You've got feelings, and yeah you might not have any skill now, and you may never, but it doesn't matter. Some of the most interesting music happens when your passion is bigger than the tools you have to deal with it. Isn't it great?"

And Steve thinks that Tim took one too many tabs in college but he takes home the acoustic guitar anyway.

It doesn't take long for Steve's passion to surpass his skill, and he really finds that he doesn't care. He doesn't care because he cries for the first time scribbling down his feelings about that spring break.

We keep playing with the numbers We are running out of time We are running, we are running But you're a killer and I'm your best friend Think it's unfair, your situation

He shows his shitty song to Tim who encourages him because for the in months Steve actually talked about something real and not just something he thought he should be talking about.

After a few more sessions and a few more songs, Tim passes him a flyer for an open mic night a few towns over.

"Is this mandatory?"

"If I made it mandatory would that make it easier?"

Steve doesn't nod but Tim tells him to go. So he goes and plays three of his discordant songs and some guy stops him after the show to let Steve know he plays drums. He doesn't understand why but he calls the guy a week later. Raul starts to provide the beat to Steve's arhythmic ranting and it's nice to have someone to just make something with that doesn't know what the catalyst is.

The party finds out when they notice Steve no longer picks the kids up from D&D on Fridays. He says it because they have their licenses. Eddie thinks he's lying.

Eddie, Robin, and Nancy trail him one random weekend and are surprised to find Steve's car parked in front of a bar that has a small line of people waiting to get in. Robin thinks maybe Steve just uses live music to escape but something tells Eddie it's more.

They go to the bar just in time for the MC to announce the lineup and just stand in shock as Steve takes the small stage. None of them get are able to voice their many questions because the drum starts, calling the room to attention, and Steve joins in with a simple three-chord strum.

I have this dream that I am hitting my dad with a baseball bat And he is screaming and crying for help And maybe halfway through, it has more to do with me killing him Than it ever did protecting myself And I believe that, yeah, Dad, maybe no one is perfect But I believe that you were pushing your luck

The trio exchange glances, and listen as for the first time they truly hear Steve Harrington express emotion that isn't carefully masked by a veneer. They watch in awe and don't move, afraid that if Steve sees them he'll stop.

After two more songs, Steve lets the crowd know it's his last one, and there's a collective murmur of discontent, but Steve just laughs. A girl in the front calls out asking him to make it a love song, and Steve tells her he doesn't have any of those, but he can get close enough. He checks in with Raul who starts a steady 4/4 beat for Steve. Before playing his guitar he tells the girl it's a song he wrote about 'a summer he tried trying to impress a guy.' As the crowd whoops, Nancy and Robin turn to look at Eddie who doesn't know what to think.

It's "The cops are coming in" type of sobering up It's a girl who'll never learn that I could not give a fuck My friends are happy, I am happy, I have learned to adapt It's a darker kind of humor and I can still hear them laugh

Because Eddie listens to the lyrics and if he didn't know better he'd think Steve was singing about the summer after spring break - the summer they were all coping, sometimes self-destructively. But then that would mean that-

He doesn't get a chance to finish that thought because Nancy elbows him. He looked up and sees that Steve has spotted them, but he doesn't look away. Instead, he locks eyes on Eddie as he repeats his declaration.

And I will remember that summer As the summer I was taking steroids 'Cause you like a man with muscles, and I like you

[odinson-dottirteatarots]

Ok. So the time from 2020 lockdown till now has been transitional to me, with goods, badies as well as "just is" things to be processed/ needed to be gone throw.

Including change of how I practice my gifts to serve the esoteric/ spiritual community.

I ve lost most of my free clientele base of tarot since I stopped checking messages, ones who I'm still grateful for because theyve given me feedback, but I also have grown while giving them readings. Turned out esoteric community has spies, trolls who poke under many accounts. To test authenticity of your psychic gifts.

We are all psychic deep down. To put you to disappointment, even a healthy capable of seeing driver would hit a car to a wall if you try distorting his sight while driving. I think now my point is taken clearly. Spirituality like anything has rules, but what you see as psychic has more layers to it. In the end when I help, it wasn't out of obligation, I'm not right hand path. Maybe a bit stoic, but not rhp. So I help willingly.

No reading- despite mine are always mostly accurate- can do for you full satisfaction as you choosing your God given destiny through free will.

The fact that also social media is like a group of gossiping small town women, is overwhelming. Overwhelming when you realise you are being watched thoroughly even by people you don't know, although they don't press like nor comment, but you realise through comparing views of videos on a platform along with people who watch Pinterest for example versus people who watch you on twitter and your posts somehow go viral from one platform to another!

Especially with word twisting or stealing your intellectual property while not giving you credit. This was all contemplative to me.

Along with the telepaths who are sent by some group or force to know all about you disguising as friend.

I spent a three months retreat in a monastery to harness thoughts control, somehow I'm very wired to the universe I end up as "hot spot" for telepaths as I was told.

That along with possiblity of feeling like I'm canceled before I begin a blog or change social media. I know it sounds like I think I'm center of the universe, we I'm in my own story at least. So as everyone in theirs. But point is, you cant help the feeling especially when some forces or same personality types stalk you throughout life.

So I was healing that.

For me I don't care, despite of rollercoaster, paradoxes, selfishness, gaslighting and witch/ psychic wars of the community. Im on a mission, I decided to grow and help. The other side and spirit realms are all I know.

My religion is my belief in the unseen.

But aside from this, I revised lots of things while away for Techno reasons that made using social media difficult or notifications inaccessible.

I focus now on healing with energy even if I'll give readings.

I still do past life therapy , join my discord to meditate, uplift your daily mood, have some stoic positivity and also do yoga sometimes and attend dharma. Prices of reiki sessions are in discord, so as meditation courses.

Aside from that , I help with entity removal, but only depends on condition.

My life has been demanding to keep all the peace I could store.

I should be active from hereon, but on Fridays.

Wednesday free readings to all or one or one are closed, due to need of storing my energy and revising my morality about altruism, when to give it and when not to.

I'll be giving free general readings mostly Fridays if I will, and on seasons I'll open door to one on one for free, there's discounts even for charged readings in season.

Check description of this blog to see link of discord and see the change in my bio.

Also my primary blog is "odinsonblog"

It's seeing a renovation to a positivity blog.

I don't own a website, nor do I believe I got help enough to design it, I can't emotionally for now be a YouTuber. Maybe I will.

[annieintheaair]

I play those days in my head, 'round and 'round, and how it hurt so bad. Where we were, what we were doin', and how we had to move ahead... We can't go on saying it weren't wrong how it ended and we hope for change, but there's still the pain of remembering. If I knew back then what I know right now, I'd have never wasted one more day in this town.

I lied-- last week was not the craziest week ever because this week totally beat it.

Last I left off, I was heading to therapy. It was so nice to finally meet Diara in person and I'll be going back again tomorrow for one more session before vacation. She had me choose three emotions (we do this every week) from the wheel to explain how I felt over the last week. The ones I chose last week were more positive, like optimistic. I teared up a little from time to time but walked out of there feeling really good.

It was nice to stay home that night so I took the dogs for an evening walk. I've been trying to take them on daily walks as much as possible.

Thursday morning I took the dogs for another early morning walk. I made it to yoga at noon, too, and found out that unfortunately, the yoga studio will be closing down at the end of the month to merge with the Dallas studio. It was such a huge bummer to hear that.

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist later that afternoon and they literally forgot about me sitting there in the waiting room for 45min. I was pretty annoyed and even more annoyed that the doctor wanted me to come home from work in the morning and go to sleep for 7 hours. How would I ever accomplish anything? He said I'd be happier with more sleep. Is that because I'd be sleeping so how could I be sad?

I stopped at Lalaland for a strawberry fields matcha on my way home, knowing I'd need more caffeine before work. The dogs stayed with their sitter that night and I headed off to work a trip to Austin.

Friday morning, when I got back from my trip, I had to take my car to Volvo. I was hoping the loaner they gave me would be an SUV like my car but they gave me a sedan instead.

I had to stop at my sister's house on my way to my old house to pickup a key and a garage door opener that my mom forgot to leave at the house. I did a little work for my other job while I was there and then headed to the house to load up the car. I was overly optimistic thinking that I'd be able to fit a ton of stuff but the S60 sedan is small and was not super helpful.

After I loaded up the car, I drove to Brian's house and he let me drive his truck. We went to Lolo's Chicken & Waffles for lunch and then drove back to my old house to load up the truck. We tried to fit as much as possible but unfortunately, did not get everything. We were both sweating and tired so we stopped at Starbucks for some cold drinks on our way to my new house.

We unloaded the truck at my house and at this point, I'll be lucky if I finish unpacking by Christmas. I'm kidding but that's how it feels right now.

I had to pick up the dogs at their sitter and then Brian and I went to Portillo's for hotdogs to go before we headed back to his house. We had to stop by the car dealership because they needed my second set of keys and luckily, traffic was minimal.

When we got to Brian's, we ate our hot dogs and then I rushed home to get ready for work. I had really been hoping to get a nap that day but literally had no free time.

Saturday morning I went back to my old house again as soon as I was finished with work at 6:30am. I stopped for breakfast tacos and Red Bull on my way and then loaded up the car with the last of the things and cleaned out the freezer. I did some paint touch-ups and was literally crying into the paint bucket so I guess you can say my tears are now painted onto the walls.

It was a hard morning leaving there, not knowing when or if I'd ever be back at that house again. Even though I'm happy to be back in my old neighborhood, I'm also sad that life there didn't work out. I lost someone who I thought was my best friend, living there complicated a relationship that I had high hopes for, and I experienced a whole new level of loneliness.

Even though living there made me pray more, I went to church a whole lot less, while driving back to my old church every Wednesday night to serve at church. I guess life there wasn't what I had expected.

I wondered what would have happened if I never met Todd. Would I have found a way to be happy there? Would I have met someone in Fort Worth that made me want to stay? Or, if I had lived back in my old town when I met him, would our relationship have gone differently? Would it have been more balanced and more normal? My heart hurts thinking about it all.

I closed out that chapter yesterday morning when I left the house and came home and felt kind of sad. I ended up calling out from work that night and I think the crew scheduler actually thought I was sick because I really sounded sick from crying. I never got to take a nap because I just felt so overwhelmed with so many emotions. By 2pm, I decided that my nails were so ratchet so I treated myself to a well-deserved mani-pedi at my favorite spot. Since I wasn't going to work, I was able to drink two Blue Hawaiians. The man working there (I think he's the manager or something) asked me when I sat down, "Just you?" and I felt like he was looking for Todd, even though I've been there alone so many times since.

After my mani-pedi, I met Marx at Suẽno for a late lunch. We ended up just getting appetizers and their queso blanco and ceviche were both amazing.

I headed home, knowing I was tired and thinking I'd be taking a nap but I guess all of the Red Bull really kicked in because I couldn't go to sleep. I laid on the couch and then told Marx he could meet me at the pool. Jess ended up joining us with her son Tru so we hung out there until late, drinking some beers, and then went back to my house and ordered a pizza.

I think I was showered and in bed by 2am, which was later than I had planned, especially considering how tired I was, but it was fun to hang out with people and not be home alone. I guess I forgot what it was like and I really missed this life here.

I allowed myself to sleep in a bit this morning and then got ready and went to church for the 11:15am service. The talk today was about relationships, loneliness, and the importance of community. I felt like it was everything I had been feeling lately. I knew there was a reason why I had to be there today. Even though they were promoting groups that are starting at the end of the month, it was still good to listen since I already signed up for a few. I'm looking forward to doing a morning bible study and being part of the singles group. Although I already feel like I have a great community here, expanding upon that would be amazing.

After church, I ran over to the Fresh Market to grab a coffee from my Greek friend, Nassos. I got a Freddo Cappuccino, which was really good. I missed being able to go there every weekend.

I had to run a few errands so I stopped at the pharmacy and then went to the dog store. My dogs have been wearing their 4th of July bows forever now so I figured it was time to get them some new ones and Kirby needed a new collar.

Back at home, I decided I needed to tackle the garage and deal with unpacking some stuff. I made some good progress and posted on Facebook marketplace that I had boxes to give away for free and no joke, within an hour they were all gone. I have more yet to be unpacked so once those are empty, I can post them, too.

I wanted to focus on unpacking so I ordered a late lunch from my favorite Thai spot. I ate some of it and then went to a yin yoga class, which was super relaxing. My flights tonight were canceled so I am enjoying an unexpected night off, although disappointed by the lack of pay.

I've been observing my new/old neighborhood and my neighbor across the street has two dogs and is pretty good-looking. Since I'm only interested in meeting people organically (offline) these days, I'm sure I'll officially meet him at some point.

It has been a lazy evening and I'm happy to be home with my dogs and enjoy some wine. My TVs all need to be mounted so I've been not watching TV all week and I'd love it if someone could help me put these up. Matt was supposed to help me but we kind of got into a little fight yesterday because he straight-up lied to me, not even thinking about the fact that I could see his trip schedule. Matt lying to me made me think again about how it's sometimes just better to be single because it seems like guys can't be trusted anymore.

Tomorrow I'm hoping to do more unpacking after my therapy appointment and yoga at noon and then have to pack because vacation officially starts Tuesday. I'm really praying that my flights go smoothly and there are no issues. As excited as I am for vacation, part of me would rather stay home and enjoy being in my new/old town for a bit with my dogs since I also feel a little sad about the fact that Todd and I booked this trip together and now I'm going with just my mom and aunt. It's more of those feelings about expectations versus the current reality and learning to adapt to change when I don't want to.

Anyway, it's getting late, I need to shower and put my pajamas on (still in my yoga clothes) and would like to relax with my dogs before bed tonight. Even though I got a decent amount of sleep last night, I'm exhausted and ready to crawl into bed.

xoxo

Annie

[nathank77]

4/3/24

8:48 p.m Updated/Edited/Slightly Added to 9:16 p.m

I took the 1MG and passed out rapidly. I slept for about 5 hours. I needed to pee and I couldn't fall back to sleep bc of it so I took a Benadryl... and slept until 4:45 p.m.

So my doctor sent me the paperwork to get my hsv2 test. I scheduled it for Friday.

My endo called me today when I was sleeping and he wants me to try the Atorvastatin again and stop if I get muscles spasms again. He said my thyroid ultrasound went well. Yet there are two nodules so I'm confused. Are they talking about my 3 year inflamed lymph node they always scan and the original nodule on my thyroid?

Also they said nothing about my eye exam... Maybe that means call the eye doctor cause he already did it? I'm going to call the eye doctor tomorrow.

Anyways I woke up at 4:30 p.m. My new Ray-Bans will be here tomorrow, as well as all my boxers/socks and my new shoes. The nerdy rimless are still in, "the works." EVGA received my package and idk if they shipped another.... the RMA is, "complete." But I don't see tracking and never got another product. I'm going to call them tomorrow.

I decided I needed to go grocery shopping as the weather today sucked but will be the same tomorrow. I had therapy at 7 p.m. There is a huge puddle around my car and my engine has been ticking, so I had to put oil in it. Idk if it resolved it bc of the hail and shitty weather. I used the whole bottle and didn't see anything on the dipstick... I'm sure there is enough. I know I haven't done an oil change or filled it in a while and my car has 7 oil leaks. It usually needs oil once every 2 months or so. I will find out if it fixed the ticking on Friday when it isn't a fucking monsoon and I can hear my car.

The puddle was so bad that it was taller than my shoes plastic bottom. Water sunk into my sneakers and soaked my socks all the way up to the top of my feet. So I had to go to Walmart and stop and shop like that.

I only grabbed the necessities. I need a decent amount of stuff still but I'll be good until Friday. I'll go to Quest, then grocery shopping and then cvs for my Xanax.

I got home changed my socks and shoes and attended therapy. Mike was saying my report isn't formated correctly.. I'm going to read the thing he sent me but I have put a lot of work into it. He was like you don't need a notary, ummm yes you do I called and talked directly to the office and I need to have a notary so the people I listed can release information.... I'll read what he sent me but I'm pretty sure I did everything right. He said I need bullet points and headlines... I don't think that's true...

Either way it was a generally ineffective therapy session. Not the worst one. I'm not mad but he said you got to make sure you do it right otherwise they won't even read it.....I'm pretty sure I am doing it right.

Beyond that he said something concerning, once I report her it will be available publicly... Idk how true that is but if it is, I mean I still need to do it for my internal peace and suffering... I'm concerned about that.... but I can't let her live her beautiful life and potentially endanger another client... she truly is negligent...

He also said benzodiazepines are going to get phased out in 10 years like quludes... like bro please stop giving me anxiety. They are the only reason I fucking sleep.

I feel like the first 35 minutes was the Mike show. I can't wait to leave. I'm going to give him maybe a month, I need him to read the report so he knows what I said. I'll still read the website he sent me but I'm 90% sure I did everything right.............

Anyways now that I've had a little time to go over my test results I took pictures of everything concerning. I'm the most concerned about my Alkaline phosphate jumping so high within like 15 days... I'm concerned about a few other things but I got to do my research. It's funny cause I'm on less Methimazole than I was before. So in theory it's likely not the Methimazole or maybe I'm going into remission and I need to stop it idk....

[lost-in-wond3rland]

I had two 12oz redbulls and a 16oz monster today and I'm alive out of pure spite

TW for: food relationship, depression, self medication

So maybe I'm not just alive out of pure spite but it sounded more fun that way lol I'm mainly alive from riding the Eras Tour high (thank you Seattle and Taylor Alison Swift) (no, I don't live in Seattle but I did fly there).

So I haven't slept since Thursday.

Not entirely true, I mostly slept last night and the night before so really I hadn't sleep Thursday-Sunday but Sunday night was chill.

I did overly pump myself with caffeine today and it did exactly z e r o help at work which sucked.

I have therapy on Friday and I'm 95% sure I'm going to cancel. I don't think I like my therapist.

It's been a couple of sessions and:

Talking about myself is uncomfortable as fuck (yes, I realized the irony of this as I am semi journaling on a public platform but bffr, no one is reading this and if they ARE I have know way of knowing)

I'm not against natural remedies persay but e v e r y t h i n g she suggests is natural remedies? Tea for insomnia, roots to eat to help focus for the possible ADHD (on top of the fact that I've asked more than once to see a psych to at least get a diagnosis to know for sure if I have it, especially since I apparently check most of the boxes? But then she asked why I would want them? Um... cuz I wanna know? And I'm going into grad school and don't have time to be fighting my brain all the time?), exercise to raise serotonin to help depression (which yes I understand the science there but TW ALERT I have some... food and body issues we shall say that turn into spirals v quickly of I will go to the gym for two hours and only eat a singular granola bar for the whole day. So like. Yeahhhh when she said I might be depressed because "maybe you need to exercise more" that was fun lol Especially when I know I obviously don't look like I have said issues in the stereotypical sense)

So like. You could see why after a few sessions I'm not too keen on going back. I've been on a bit of an up swing anyway so like *shrug*

The reason I started going to therapy again was because things were... not ideal. Not that I was actively gonna do something. But also like. If I fell into an eternal slumber, I wouldn't necessarily have been mad about it typa deal. Kinda hoping for the whole eternal sleep thing but not doing anything to cause it, ya feel? But now things are fine and I can't help but feel like I was being dramatic because like. I'm fine. Everything is fine. And I really have nothing to complain about. So like. Dramatic, ya know?

It feels silly to me a lot of the time. People have real issues and real trauma, and I haveeee. A trip to London and Paris coming in the fall... so like. What the fuck do I need to be in therapy for? It just. Feels kinda fake. Like I'm being dramatic.

I feel like sometimes I build shit up in my head too much and then I stop and I'm like. Why. There are so many other things happening, so many other people with real life issues, and then here I am. I don't like it.

I was smoking a LOT of weed for a LONG time to just kinda coast ya know? To either feel something if I felt nothing or to feel something else other than what I was feeling. Which is great, and worked, but with my job if I get caught I will no longer have said job. Also the fact that like, weed sleep is a THING and where as not being hungover is great, I'll loose half the day knocked tf out (which considering the sleep situation might not be the worst thing so maybe I should go to the local dispensary lmao but then it makes me eat a bunch and then I feel awful the next day and cycles and cycles and cycles). So unfortunately/fortunately that is a no go cuz work and I gotta be awake enough to do hw man.

So yeah. I'm kind of in the "fuck therapy, I'm fine" mind set lately. Yeah, I get some intense lows but they haven't been consistent like they were plus I don't even know what fucking causes them. Somedays I just wake up and it's like, "oh cool, I'm floating in an abyss today". Some days I know if I spend too much time alone, my thoughts will suffocate me. Some days I wake up normal, and halfway through they day a switch flips out of nowhere and I'm just exhausted and don't want to exist. Sometimes I'm so numb or out of it I know I just shouldn't be driving because I feel nothing or feel out of my body.

But lately there's been none of that, and I've been good. So.

Yikes, this shit is not linear at all lol It's going in any and all directions. And there really is no point to it either. Just. Wanted to talk to myself about some things in my brain. But either way.

Therapy on Friday. Be there or be square! 98% sure I'm gonna be square because I just simplyyyyy do not want to go, nor do I see the point of it at the moment.

I also probably really need sleep. Or at least more sleep since I did in fact sleep pretty decently last night.

Oh! I'm also kind of in love with Taylor Zakhar Perez. He's so pretty it's irritating lmao He's also gonna play Alex in the RW&RB movie and I can't wait. I'm watching it with Lex on Saturday (Aug 12) since she has D&D on Aug 11 (cries in I wanted to watch it that night but I GUESS I'll fucking wait lol). But yeah. Hashtag daddy

-Seven

07.26.2023

[corpsegold]

Second meeting with the lady for the thing. She's tryna get me doing some cbt-aligned things. She said we're probably not going to get much out of the sessions, but she will have the meeting with the other ppl in the team at the end and refer me to who/what will be able to help. I think she gets it, I could see her facial expressions a bit with some of the things I came out with.

I made it clear today how my main issue is just being obsessed with failure and success, that it belies literally everything. I didn't realize how glum I was about this. The past few weeks I've been feeling p high on life but realizing this about myself on Friday has kind of fucked me up a bit apparently. My knees feel fucked from walking for 5 hours last night talking to myself about it

I explained how I doubted for a while whether I was making everything up, how at first I felt amazing because it meant I could be what I need to be and then how terrible it felt when I realized I did all of this to myself and everyone for no reason. But that now I see at the time that I was out of control with drinking, or depressed, or paranoid, it was real. I wasn't making it up. It's just that it's all because I can't cope with failure, (not because I have some biological neurological problem with those things specifically .)

She said I need talk therapy. She managed to get out of me some things about my parents and being told I'm disappointing them etc or how I feel like a parasite etc. Last session she was asking well if you haven't been bullied and you haven't been abused .. like the idea was. Clearly there's something along those lines. I apparently have some kind of reaction to something that's happened. It's not a biological problem in my brain like depression or something.

It's just crazy how everything is pointing towards it and it's literally underneath everything. Every single problem in my life like I can see it now and I can see. How I almost fit the textbook genesis of it with my parents and how I learnt to be as I grew up. It's awful LMAO. I can honest to God SEE it. Like it had already happened by the time I was a teenager, it just hadn't blown up yet. I hope I'm wrong

I told her how I think I've begun to sus myself out and I really don't like where it's going and what it means and she was v reassuring (or trying to be) like you're doing the right thing!! When we know, then you'll get the help you need!! :) Do it for yourself not for anyone else!! Like lmao

It was uncomfortable how. We both knew it was a waste of time. She was like you have no confidence in yourself. I'm like . ??obviously. Why would I?

I'm a fucking monkey without a soul HELLO?

She said yeah like when we get complimented we always deny it, it's like that isn't it. I said when I was younger I always used to believe it. Like wholeheartedly believe every compliment LOL. Then I fell on my face and never got back up and now being reassured that things aren't so black and white just feels patronizing.

I know I'm a loser, don't tell me I'm not. Tell me how to stop being a loser

Like she said tho ig at least I'm on the right path or whatever. Maybe one day I can get a grip and earn my existence and belong or something. Contribute and give back. Tick the boxes and stop hating myself

Maybe one day

[slothbookcase]

Really Looking In

I was reading the part where Ken & Fanchon are telling Joanie & Fitz that Tim found a new place after they got deported from Mexico, and Ken said it's a mansion with 64 rooms. So I looked up Millbrook, NY mansion and Hitchcock Estate came up.

That's when I figured out Outside Looking In by T.C. Boyle based on real event. And Boyle got a lot of key facts right. Timothy Leary is a real disgraced Harvard professor who became an icon for counterculture of the 1960s-1970s, otherwise known as hippie.

The setting for second half of the book, The Hitchcock Estate, is also a real place in Millbrook, NY. It is owned by the Hitchcock siblings, heirs to Mellon family fortune. Thomas and Billy are only mentioned once, while Peggy is only mentioned in passing. But they are real people. While it is unclear what is the relationship between Leary and Peggy, the book said they are dating. I can't confirmed if this is true or not.

Richard Alpert, in book is referred to by his nickname Dick, is also real person. Together with Tim, they rented the house and created a 'center for psychedelic study,' where they created a commune of students and their family who has adult tripping on psilocybin and/or LSD every week in the name of science. Alpert later more known as Guru Ram Dass.

None of the students in Boyle's book is a real person, except for one guy. Boyle didn't even mentioned Lisa Bieberman, Leary & Alpert's so called protégé that was labeled by Harvard Crimson as LSD PR Girl. But the book did mentioned an experiment done on Divinity School students, known as "Good Friday Experiment." The experiment conducted by Walter Pahnke, and he's the only student that is referred by his real name as the experiment happened in real life. But after the aforementioned experiment, Walter is nowhere to be found in the book. In real life, Pahnke (whose photo on Psychedelic Science Review made him looks like Anderson Cooper with dark hair) continue to do experiment on hallucinogen, but he used it as part of therapy session with terminal cancer patients and on alcoholic with goal to treating their addiction. The last one, as now we know, is just changing the substance but I don't think it'll stop their addiction.

This book calling their commune as Castalia Foundation, basing it on Aldous Huxley's Island. The truth is, Huxley also basing it from Hermann Hesse's The Glass Bead Game. I haven't read either books.

Although this book largely about Leary's commune, the first chapter of the book is reimagining how first LSD trip took place by none other than its creator, Albert Hofmann.

Boyle imagining how Hofmann, high on LSD, ride his bike home while being chased by his panicked assistant. That day, April 19th, is now commemorated as Bicycle Day in Switzerland. Interesting fact, Hofmann resent Leary for "giving his creation a bad name," according to this article:

[bekkachaos]

For ask game - 3, 11 and 37 🥰

3. Is there a trope you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole?

Nothing specifically comes to mind other than like, obvious no-nos. Although any trope where fulfilling it would drastically change the fundamental aspects of the character/s I just can't do.

11. Is writing your passion or just a fun hobby?

I mean, why not both? It's always been something I've wanted to do, ever since I was a kid I've wanted to write. But it's also fun (mostly once I've finished writing the thing and can be happy about it 😅). It is a fun passion that I don't think I'd ever be able to stop!

37. Talk about your current wips.

Well thank you for asking Nonnie! I have so many, it's silly, I need to focus on one! But here are some of them:

Buddie

Now I'm new to Buddie, I haven't published any but I have started 3 fics now just to get ideas out of my head!

Grey's Anatomy AU (untitled) - this will be a beast, I've got a hell of a lot of notes already, started my Grey's re-run for inspiration, and 6k words under my belt. Dr Eddie Diaz (aka Dr Dreamy) and intern Buck are burned into my brain already.

Fire up the night (something's burning in me) - this is a story where Buck and Eddie hook up, both a little tipsy, but then Eddie avoids talking about it with Buck because he's scared of changing things, scared of what the whole encounter made him feel and what that means. Buck gets discouraged, and he feels like Eddie regrets it and is embarrassed by it, so he patches things up as best he can and they go on not talking about it, but it doesn't go back to normal. There's going to be a lot of therapy sessions and they're both going on self discovery journeys. Slow burn and miscommunication (aka boys please just tell each other how you feel)!

I think that you (and I) should lose clothing - the 118 attend a rescue at a bar, and the manager thanks them by comping them tickets to the show later in the week. Only he fails to mention the show is a striptease, with the lead being the hottest thing Eddie has ever seen, and the man is stripping out of a fireman's uniform of all things.

Malex

Groundhog Day AU (you're gonna be the one that saves me) - I've been working in the next chapter of this fic where Michael wakes up, meets Alex Manes and has the best date with him, it's perfect and he can't stop thinking about him. So he wakes up the next day and goes to see him, but Alex doesn't remember who he is. He realises that he's woken up on Friday again, repeating the day over and over, and what better way to spend the day that trying to get Alex to fall for him again?

Accompanying Fics for An Oasis in the Stars - I have notes and rough ideas for a series of mini fics set in the universe where the humans crash land on the oasis. Each one would follow a different character (the main fic having centred around Alex and how he was falling for Michael). I'm thinking three mini fics, one each for Liz, Kyle and Michael.

[wanderinginksplot]

Warriors in Red Armor

Next | Masterlist

Chapter One

Hound I

"So, are we going to 79's tonight?" Hound asked. He had meant to be subtle about it, but the question burst out of him the moment his well-worn boots crossed the threshold of the small break space allotted to members of the Coruscant Guard.

As break spaces went, the one designated for the Coruscant Guard's clone troopers was an embarrassment. Some determined being had managed to cram a table and a handful of chairs inside, but it was a tight fit. If more than a few fully armored troopers went inside at the same time, none of them would get back out without removing some armor to clear the traffic jam. The lights flickered, the faucet leaked, the floor was always sticky, and the stuffy air held a hint of the chemicals that had been stored there years ago. Since then, the previous break space had been renovated into an office for one of the few nat-born commanding officers and this one had been created for the clone troopers.

Still, the smell of caf was stronger than the smell of chemicals most days and the light from a nearby advertisement screen lit the room so brightly that the flickering lights didn't give any of the troopers a migraine anymore. Hound always was a man who liked to see the glass as half-full. Maybe even a little more than half, if that glass was sitting under the dripping faucet.

Thire snorted at Hound's question, leaning back in his chair until gravity threatened to topple him. "Well, boys? Hound wants to know if we're going to 79's this lovely Friday evening. What do we think?"

Thorn glanced around the room, looking unamused by his brother's antics. "We think I'm the only other one here, di'kut."

"Exactly!" Thire said in triumph, obviously determined to ignore his fellow commander. "It's the weekend! Why wouldn't we go to 79's?"

"Because you've finally realized that it's a glorified zoo?" Thorn snapped, tone venomous. "79's is where civvies go to stare at clone troopers so they can feel like they're being daring. In reality, they're being irritating."

Having spoken his piece, Thorn tossed back the last of his cup of caf, always consumed as dark as his mood. Hound shuddered at the thought. Corrie Guard caf was brewed at the approximate concentration of speeder fuel and could eat through duracrete. Only a trooper who hated himself would drink it black.

Thorn always drank it black.

"So you don't want to go?" Hound asked again, sounding heartbroken.

"No, I'll go," Thorn told him. "Zoo or not, 79's still has the cheapest booze on Coruscant that doesn't use poison as a mixer."

"Well, that's the most excited I've heard Thorn get about anything for a week, at least," Thire smirked. "Commander Fox, you want in on this?"

The Head Commander of the Coruscant Guard, having just stepped into the break room to fill his mug with caf, shook his head. "No, I'm on duty tonight. The Clone Rights group has been cleared to march and the Chancellor wants an extra Guard presence. Stone will be stuck here as well, monitoring any new arrivals."

"Ugh," Hound said, summarizing everyone else's point of view. "Well, we'll be thinking of you both, Commander."

Fox lowered the datapad in his hand to shoot a look in Hound's direction. "Sergeant, don't you have that ARF PR stunt tomorrow at 0800?"

Hound shrugged. "Yeah, but I can do both."

"Make sure you don't miss it," Fox ordered sternly. "The last thing I need is to have to report to the Chancellor that you missed a chance to give the GAR a boost in civil opinion."

Hound saluted and Fox turned his attention to the other break room occupants. "Thorn, if you let your stubble get any longer, it'll be considered a beard and subject to facial hair regulations. Thire, sit on the chair like a normal being, would you?"

Thorn nodded and Thire grinned as he let the chair's legs slam onto the floor. Fox rolled his eyes at their antics, refilled his cup of caf, and left the break area. Hound idly wondered how many of the gray hairs appearing at the Head Commander's temples were due to the commanding officer team. Still, the Chancellor had let Fox choose his own team of COs, so there was no one to blame but himself.

"Meet at 2100?" Thire asked. "That's prime time for 79's and there'll be plenty of talent. I'll go ahead and apologize, vode. When you look this good, you automatically get your pick of the females."

Thire brushed a hand back across his hair - meticulously trimmed to maintain the subtle horizontal lines shaved into the otherwise regulation cut - and grinned at the other two. Hound and Thire rolled their eyes, but agreed anyway.

---

Kai I

"Hey, do you guys want to go to 79's tonight?" Kai asked, perched on the desk she was supposed to be sitting behind. She was always restless and neither of the other women blamed her for the odd choice of seat - even though it made inter-desk communication a bit of a pain.

Arkularia - who, for the sake of Kai's sanity, allowed the others to call her 'Ark' - was the first to respond. "79's? The clone bar?"

"Do you want to drink, dance, or find a one-night stand?" Ransom asked from behind her expansive tech setup. "Because there are better places for any of those. Closer, too."

"No, I want to go to 79's," Kai said, kicking up her chin. "And as for what I want… I want all of them. All three options, please and thank you."

"Did you just try to order a night out? Like from a menu?" Ransom asked. From the tone of her voice, Kai had managed to earn a rare smile from her boss. Of course, that was only a guess since Ransom didn't emerge from her den so Kai could verify the expression.

"No… but can you imagine how much easier that would be?" Kai asked in her own defense.

"It would take some of the fun out of it, I think," Ark said slowly.

Kai chucked a wad of flimsi at her friend and co-worker's head, cheering to herself as it connected and bounced off of Ark's white-blonde hair. "I know that, Ark! C'mon guys, do you want to come to 79's with me or not?"

"I'm out," Ransom said immediately, shutting down the projector option on her desk. She was still illuminated by the ambient light from the schematics on her datapad. The cybernetic implants in Ransom's arm gleamed in the blue glow as she dragged a hand over her shaved head. "I have to work late if we have any hope of finishing our next job on time."

"Ark?" Kai asked, not too proud to sound like she was begging.

Ark sighed, pale eyes hopeless in the face of Kai's wheedling. "Fine, I'll go along."

"Yes!"

"Ransom, are you sure you can't come, too?" Ark asked, her voice a bit desperate.

"I really do have to stay and work on this," Ransom apologized, gesturing at her assortment of datapads. "My condolences."

"We're going to a club, not facing a firing squad!" Kai admonished. "Besides, I just want to find someone fun."

"Like that last guy?" Ark asked, squinting a bit as she applied her prodigious memory to her own question. "What was his name?"

"Not sure," Kai admitted. "But he was so much fun! Great tattoos."

"So you are looking for a hookup! I knew it," Ransom crowed.

Ark frowned. "Why a clone trooper? They're never on-planet for long before they have to leave."

"Exactly," Kai said with a wink. "Love 'em and leave 'em."

"Didn't the last one stick around for a while? I thought I remembered seeing him more than a few times…" Ark pondered.

"Hardcase! His name was Hardcase," Ransom remembered. "He came by every day of his leave."

"Strange name," Ark commented.

"Strange guy," Ransom said with a shrug.

"But he was hot," Kai countered, folding a piece of flimsi to look like a tooka. At least it did in her imagination. "And so much fun. I need another someone like him."

"What happened to him?" Ark asked curiously.

Kai would have blushed if she had any shame - too bad for Coruscant that she didn't. Instead, she pouted. "He moved on with a Zeltron who works at GAR headquarters. That's the best place to meet troopers, but they don't give access to civilians unless they have official business."

"Hardcase didn't seem like the type to ghost you out of nowhere," Ransom mused.

"I… may have freaked out about him asking me to be his girlfriend," Kai admitted. "I don't want anything serious, you know? Besides, I'm the one who introduced him to the new girl. She's a sweetheart. He adores her and she's the same about him. Can't be too upset with that."

Ark and Ransom exchanged loaded glances, but Kai had no interest in a therapy session. "Right! So, Ransom, you're still out?"

"I have no interest in coming along and I have work to do here."

"Well, that was almost nice," Kai congratulated. "Ark, it's you and me. When should we go?"

Ark shrugged. "Why don't we just stop there on the way home from work?"

"Are you kidding?" Kai asked, aghast at the idea. "We aren't exactly wearing Senatorial dress, but we're still too professional for a club! No, we need to go home, change, and meet there. How long do you need?"

"I don't know… half an hour?"

"How long do you need to find an outfit that makes sense in a club setting?" Kai rephrased her question.

"Two hours," Ark corrected herself, sounding sheepish.

"That's more like it," Kai said, satisfied. Her look turned wicked as she said, "Now, let's talk about makeup…"

"Are you sure you don't need any help here, Ransom?" Ark asked their boss, her eyes widening with hidden significance.

"No, it's too late!" Kai denied. "Meet me at my apartment and I'll help you. Let's say eight."

Ark glanced back at Ransom, who gave a sympathetic shrug. Ark sighed. "Fine, eight."

---

A/N - Hello, and welcome to yet another Clone Wars-based story! I can't leave these poor guys alone. They deserve so much more than they got! So, you may have noticed that some of the characters are a bit different from the way they are normally portrayed in fan fiction. The first fic I read with the Coruscant Guard had Thire as a happy joking guy and Thorn as a serious doom-and-gloom trooper. I'm coming to realize that is not typical for fanon interpretations, but those characterizations are embedded in my mind. I hope you didn't find this too jarring!

I'm experimenting with a new Game of Thrones-style POV tracking format. Hopefully that will keep things from getting too confusing as we bounce back and forth across eight different POVs! I apologize for the short length of this chapter, but it's just a simple introduction of (most of) the characters.

[jjmaybanksblog]

Stress Release- John B

(Not my gif, credit for whoever created it!)

Summary: Friends with benefits; Two friends who trust each other enough to engage in sexual activity without fear of hurting the other's feelings.

Word count: 1,912

Warnings: Mentions fwb, sex, and underage drinking.

You rested on your stomach, textbook in front of you as John B joined your side. You two had been chosen to be partners for a Chemistry class project, but neither of you two had actually paid enough attention to figure out what you two we're doing.

You guys sat in silence for a minute before you exhaled loudly. "What's with the sigh?" You ground loudly, flipping yourself over and laying on your back.

"It's my senior year. I should be out in the world not giving a single fuck about anything, but I'm stressed out of my mind and I have no clue how to get rid of it." You ranted, grabbing the nearest pillow and screaming into it. John B looked at you with a confused look. "What? I'm a screamer. Not sexually, just at life in general." "I can make that sexually." He said, earning a smack from the pillow.

"Therapy?" "Tried." "Painting?" "Tried." "Going to the gym?" "Ha! You're fucking funny." John B remained quiet for a second before coming up with something. "Have you tried just hooking up with someone? You know, like a friends with benefits type thing." 

Your head snapped up from it's spot as you stared at the boy with a dumbfounded look. "I'm sorry?" "Well it's just, if you need to release tension, shit like that helps a lot." John B said as he suddenly felt idiotic for bringing the idea up. You sat there for a moment, trying to process his words. "Okay but even if I wanted to I don't know who would even want to." 

John B's index finger pointed to his face as you observed his gesture. "Really?and why would you want to be friends with benefits?" "I get stressed too, I help you out, you help me out." You considered his offer for a moment before agreeing on his idea.

"Okay. But we have to make a guideline." You negotiated, ripping out a piece of paper from the notebook. Now it was John B's turn to roll his eyes. 

"First rule, we do not tell a single soul about this." You said, grabbing your pen and scribbling the words down. "Okay, okay. Second rule, we call each other whenever we need a release. Whenever and wherever." "No hooking up with anyone else unless either of us get

a boyfriend/girlfriend." He thought aloud.

You nodded your head, writing his words down quickly. "And the last one," you two looked at each other as you spoke in unison, "no feelings." You held the pen out towards him, giving you a questioning look. "What? We gotta make this shit official." 

John B let out a chuckle as he took the pen from your hand and scribbled his name. Returning the pen to you, he adjusted himself so he was resting against the headboard. You quickly signed it, closing the notebook shut.

John B sighed softly before looking at youm "You stressed?" You quickly rose up from your spot, your legs resting on both sides of him as you straddled his lap. "You have no idea." His hands trailed up your back, one hand staying on your thigh and gently rubbing it. The other was wrapped tightly around your waist.

Your lips met halfway, he sighed in relief at the feeling of someone else's lips. The kiss was fierce and rushed, both of you wasting no time in getting your stress out.

_________________

You guys had this 'relationship' going for the last 5 months. Almost every other day you called each other. It was an odd thing for you to do. You had done it before in the past, but sex with John B was something else. There were nights where the type would change, he would take control for most of the time. Angry sex, sex in the living room, car sex, anything he wanted to do, you two did.

However, as time went on the feelings John B had began to change. He wanted to spend more time with you, and not just hook up. He wanted to find out more things about you, watch movies with you, be able to kiss you in public whenever he wanted. The at first sloppy sex slowly morphed into passionate sex. He noticed and it scared him shitless. He loved every moment he spent with you and he didn't want that to change.

He was mad at himself. That was the third rule and he broke it. He never expected it to happen, but when it did it slapped him right across the face.

You two were lying there naked, sheets covering your bare chests. You were fast asleep, your body facing him. He took in the tiny details about you, everything that he could. How sometimes your eyelashes flutter. How you'll snore sometimes. How he rests his hand on your cheek and you unknowingly lean into his touch. He buried this hole too deep and he can't get out.

You both were currently at your friend Angela's party, drunk teens were horribly dancing in the living room, couples were hooking up in the bedrooms and bathrooms. John B was drinking a shot of vodka as he saw you walk by, a red plastic solo cup in your hand. "Hey Routledge!" You winked at the boy who shyly drank from his cup.

A classmate of his walked up to John B, "Hey, what's with you and that Y/L/N chick?" The boy asked, nudging John B's shoulders. He smirked at his classmate leaning closer to him, "we're friends with benefits!" John B exclaimed, clearly tipsy and not knowing the words that are spilling out of his mouth. 

The classmate smirked at the intoxicated teen, giving JB a high five, congratulating him. You were out in the backyard enjoying the night sky with Sarah Cameron.you two were laughing after watching someone run and fall into the pool.

The fun was quickly ruined as the classmate stood in front of you guys. "So Y/N, I heard you help release stress from my good old friend John B. How about you help me out?" Your face dropped in shock, the cup falling from your hand. "I'm sorry?" You asked, pretending not to understand what he was talking about.

"Oh yeah. But real shit, whenever I need something I'll give you a call." The boy sent you a wink before licking his lower lip and walking away. You stared at the ground in shock. "Are you okay?" "I don't know how to answer that." You admitted.

You stomped out of the backyard and out of the house. Stares, comments and giggles were all you noticed as you made your way through the crowded rooms. Making way to your car, you opened the door and slammed it shut. Your fists pounded down onto the steering wheel, accidentally punching the horn. You crossed your arms and leaned against the wheel. Your head fell against your arms as tears stung your eyes. You were furious at John B, but you were also angry with yourself. 

During the time you had been sleeping with John B, you also began to realize how your heart would race a mile a minute with him, even before the physical contact. You had been trying to deny the feelings, 'it's just sex' you repeated to yourself over and over after every session. But to you it was something else, and that scared you.

You sped down down the road, the lights blurring from the tears, your cheeks and nose a shade of pink. Your breathing was uneven as you hicupped every now and then. Returning home, you quickly changed out of your clothes into pajamas and laid in bed. That night was the last time you and John B had an interaction for a whole month.

He would call you, but you'd let the answering machine pick up. You'd swerve him when you walked by him in the halls, catching his eye then turning around to walk the other way. 

You wanted to distance yourself as much as you could. John B tried his best to apologize after his classmate reminded him that he told your secret that night at the party. He felt absolutely destroyed hearing the rumors that were spreading about you, about you both, he hated it.

Your eyes were sealed shut as you attempted to let sleep overtake your body. It was finally Friday and you just wanted to sleep for 12 hours. The sound of rain hitting your window sounded like heaven to your ears, just pure silence except for that one noise. 

A soft tapping sound echoed off the  window. Knowing it wasn't rain, you hesitantly opened your eyes to see John Booker Routledge holding himself as he stood in your backyard, in the pouring rain. His hair was plastered down onto his face. His clothes clung to his body. His eyes were squinted shut in hopes to not get too much water in them.

You quickly got up and pulled him through the window harshly, making him fall to the ground. His skin made a loud slapping noise as he made contact with the hardwood floor. You sighed, rubbing your forehead with the palm of your hand. "Hold on." You quickly went out of the room and walked back in with a towel. You handed it to him as you sat on the bad, John B standing there as he attempted to dry off.

"Look this isn't a guilt-trip. I just genuinely want to know if you dislike me so I can stop bothering you." He started, the towel running through his hair, drops of water flying everywhere. You sighed loudly and pitched the bridge of your nose. "I don't hate or dislike you. I hate that you spilled what we were to what's his face at the party. Do you know how many phone calls I've gotten of guys asking me to hook up with them? 24." 

"What we were?" John B asked softly. "You broke your promise, you can't come back from that." You huffed, your eyes not leaving the floor. "It was just a fling." He lied, not only to you but to himself. "Not to me it wasn't." Your voice was just above a whisper.

"What?" 

"Throughout the last few months things felt different. It was really fucking weird to think about, but my heart would always just... race when we spent time together. I wanted things to just be more than a fling. But I figured you just wanted it to be just that thing since you came up with the idea." you admitted. He lightly chuckled as he bent down to be face to face with you.

"Princess. I walked here to you in the rain. This is how much I love you. This," he pointed his finger between you two, "I want more than a fling. I want to be able to just walk around with you on my arm and just give you all the fucking affection I can give. And I'm sorry about the calls. I'll make sure people get the notice to-" you cut him off by quickly pressing your lips against his.

He exhaled loudly, your skin suddenly felt as if it were burning. "God I missed you." He mumbled against your lips as his thumb stroked your cheek. "Show me how much you missed me." You whispered, pulling the boy onto the bed.

[thebadgirlintheirstories]

Caught out in the Rain.

Bucky Barnes x Original Female Character.

Smut Fic. One Shot.

Bucky returns back from a Botched Mission. The Plan was Foolproof and Everything was Right on Track. But They walked into a Trap. The Woman they were after knew about Bucky and Sam. She played All Along only to get her Hands on Bucky. Sam gets Tortured by her Goons as she Takes Bucky to her Bed. She first drugs him with a what Hydra used on him. She also had the Code used to Control him. She uses the Code and Gets the Information About the Remaining Serum of Winter Soldiers for Zemo. And she then Orders him to Take her. He Complies. Sam gets Beaten to Death, and Cap's Shield is mocked up by the Goons. They leave Sam alone. And Bucky in his Torn Clothes Returns to the Room Sam's in. Bucky looks shaken. He tells Sam everything that Happened.

A Week Later, SHIELD finds them. At the previous Location when they were Taken. SHIELD traded on behalf of Renne and Steve with That Woman. Renne had the Woman killed and also got to know about Zemo. She had Hades reach before Zemo to that Location and the Winter Soldiers Serum was taken to Tartarus, where SHIELD nor Zemo could reach. Renne and Steve fixed up the Aftermath of the Botched Mission.

•Back at the Compound•

Sam healed up soon, thanks to Greek Healing Herbs given to him by Renne's friend Taliya. Bucky's Physical wounds healed. But Renne sensed that something happened and both the Men were Hiding it. She let them slowly comeback to their Normal Nature. Which is Basically "Man-child".

Bucky's Nightmares which were once Gone, ever since he started his Therapy sessions with Renne, came back. Renne who's sleeping in her Room, heard Bucky's Screams. Her Pet Buck nudged her, and she pats him and tells her Black Cat to look after the Pets. Who were wide awake.

Renne sprints down to Bucky's Floor and Breaks into his Room. She finds it to be Empty. But soon a Cold Hand wrapped around her waist and harshly rips off her Tank top and pushes her on the Bed. Renne tries to get Bucky Snap out of his Terror. But her Voice only gets him agitated. He flips Renne on her Back. He holds her Hand above her Head. His Eyes are Showing Rage. She feels his Thighs tighten against her own. He's not going to do it... Wait...

Bucky gruffly questions and his metallic Hand now Squeezing her Neck. He asks her, "Do you think you can Take me?! Break up the Walls I built?! I have A Goddess for Me! I'm going to End this! Tonight!". And with each word... The Pressure on Renne's Neck tightened. She couldn't Breathe! She gagged and gasped, Bucky's Ears loved hearing the Choking Sounds... Renne tries to Get Inside Bucky's Head... But couldn't! She finally did something she wouldn't Do... She bucked her Hips against his. His Eyes wide with Disgust and New Rage. He Released her Throat and she used her Hands to get inside his Head. He tried to Fight her, but she's a Demigod. She's had enough. She gets into his Head and pulls out the Codes which were seeping into his Brain.

God only knows how long, Renne had sat on Bucky's Lap. And her Hands started to Give up. She finally let go. She Calmed him. And without a moment to Waste... She goes back into his Mind, and Witnesses his Rape. The Woman enjoying and Bucky Trying to Fight the Codes and Felt that Similar kind of Numbness... She Erases the Memory. And that gets her Spent. She Falls onto his sweating chest. He puts her Back on the Bed and Sleeps in beside her.

Next Morning, Bucky absentmindedly kissed her Shoulder. To which she nuzzles further against his Chest. She turns to Face him and His Lips greet her. She takes off her Shorts and strips off her underpants and bra. She Straddles him and feels both his Hands run up & down her body. His Warm Hand hovers over her Chest and his Metallic Hand Holds her Neck, he slightly pushes her down on his Hard. She Moans and Closes her Eyes. Her Hands rest on his Shoulder, Giving him Comfort and Guidance. His Eyes love how her Bare Olive Skin is Glistening by the Golden Hue of Sunlight... He feels her Hands slid down his Back and Tug at the Waistband of his Boxers. He Lifts her off a few inches away but she hates the Disconnection and Snaps her Fingers to Vanish his Boxers. He chuckles and calls out to her " Doll... You are Breath Taking, How did I get Lucky?". She responds, Her Eyes Still Closed. "Shut up Bucky. And Kiss me Finally!". He licks her Neck and stops at her pulse point, and nibs at it, and his Metallic Hand reached down to Touch her... She Snaps her Eyes open and Growls. Encouraging him to Wreck her, she Finally feels his Soft Lips on her. The First Kiss was Full of Love but the Second one was a Lust filled Competition. Which Bucky obviously Won!

She Grinds on him and he Growls louder. "Don't make me wait Bucky. I am growing Hotter each moment now... Please." Each word from her was completed into a Sentence as she kissed his Lips and Rubs her Chest against him up and down. He Complies to her Request.

He Flips her on her Back. And Sees a Red Mark on her Neck. She Looks at him with Need. He Looks Back at her and suddenly pushes into her without a Warning. The Thrust made Time Stop. Both Stilled and Looked at Eachother. His Blue Eyes looked into her Dark Brown... Lips Parted and Sinful Moans loud enough for Heaven's to Hear, Escape...

She pushes her Hip Forward and Her Hip Bone and His Hip Bone lined together making a Perfect V. He pushes her down on the Bed and Makes love to her with all his Strength. They Come Undone together and the sounds of Skin Slapping against each other filled the Room. Sweat Running down their Bodies. They Made Love till Night. Because it wasn't Enough. He's a Super Soldier and She's a Demigod. Both of them are Powerhouses! And Sex doesn't have to End only Once. They at least Had a Good amount of Sex to Make up for the Tension ever since they met.

Moonlight Sex was something Bucky will never forget. Because Renne's Olive Skin looked Blue under the Full Moon. She was taken to Heaven by Bucky and that's when he Finally noticed that his Name was Shining in Golden on her Pulse Point. "You're my Soulmate?" Bucky asks. "I think so, And Don't Worry. You're not Dying." She replied. "Did I fill in your Head with our Love Making Session. And Replaced it with that Bitch?" She asked. He smiled and replied "I might need this Session more from now..." She giggled.

Her Bucky was Back to her. He pulls out of her, But she Holds him and pushes him against the Window. "Friday play, Caught out in the Rain." She said and put his Hands on her Hips. "This is the Climax, Amore." She tells and Takes him into her and Rides him against the Window. Her Demigod Strength cracks the Glass. Bucky encourages her to not Stop. She's Devilishly Sexy when she Controls. And now, Bucky doesn't want to Complain. She Fucks him with Slow Movement to Match the Rhythm of the Song. And Closes Eyes as his Metallic Hand creates a Chill Friction to get her Tightening and She Rolls herself hard on him. He Grunts and holds her In a Position where he could go further into her. And last few thrusts were Hard. And that was their End. Both Came Undone together and Their Moans louder than the Last. The Song Ends.

Renne rests her Hands on his Chest. They look into Eachother. His Name on her Neck. Her Name on his Chest. Without a Condom they've Had Sex. Multiple Times on the Same Day. But It doesn't matter. Renne asks a Question in a Husky Voice "You had Sex Dreams about me, Didn't you Bucky? It was how you snapped back from the Winter Soldier..." Bucky admits "Yes Love. You're my Anchor. And an Actual Goddess. I know your Apollo's Soulmate too... I don't mind Sharing. But when you're with me? I'll be yours only. You need to be in my Trance when you're with me." She nods, How the Heck can he Form Sentences when she can't from the Exhaustion.

Anyway, He pulls out of her and Both fall asleep.

Apollo who's also Renne's Soulmate, sighs. Looks like he needs to Share his Partner.

Sam's literally had Headphones and Speakers blast Songs through the Compound. Because of these Two. He is Happy that Two Broken Hearts are Finally One. And he owes Steve a 100 bucks. Renne's Pets missed her the Whole Day, But Sam and the others helped them by keeping them Company.

[awstensmind]

this past week has been... i don't even know. a whirlwind. a thunderstorm with a rainbow. a rollercoaster of emotions that i'm not sure I want to be on anymore.

it started so heavy. a rough therapy session. sam clawing information out of me with her bare hands while i kept stacking the wall up higher and higher, screaming at her to please just stop. she didn't. it all came tumbling down exactly as she intended, and i was left sobbing on the floor of her office, laying down in the mess i had created from throwing her belongings everywhere. i haven't told a soul what happened that session, and I don't think i ever will.

i haven't been the same since, and i think that's because she woke something up inside of me. a different viewpoint than before, perhaps. hyper-aware of everyone and everything in my life, but not in the way i used to be. not terrified to let anyone close to me, instead just wary of the ones that already are. i have too many secrets. in reality, i don't have many, two or three, but they're so big to me that they're overwhelming. i'm terrified they're going to slip out if i'm not careful, and I can't do that.

friday was jawn's art show. i had the room to myself to view it for the first time, the somber playlist jawn had created playing as an accompaniment to my quiet sobs as i sat on the floor, staring at the gruesome depictions of my best friend. the hurt, the anger, the horror crawled against my skin and made itself a home there. i always knew that jawn struggled with his diagnosis and had a handful of issues come from that, but i don't think my brain realised just how bad it was.

i walked out of the gallery and all that impenetrable sadness washed away with the breeze, and all that was left behind was immense joy. i'm so proud of jawn. he's come so far in the past week, month, year. i don't think i've ever hugged him as tight as i did in that moment.

when we were out for dinner, i sent v a text to say the coast was clear. she had two hours to check out the gallery for herself before she had to leave. i couldn't risk jawn knowing, or seeing her. i couldn't risk ruining all the progress he's made.

the next morning.. it felt like we were teenagers again. waking each other up with pure excitement because it was a fun day out. the whole crew came over, got dressed in our matching t-shirts and paraded down the streets of LA screaming "fuck diabetes". jawn was so happy, he was glowing. i spent most of the walk trying not to trip over because i wanted to cement that smile in my mind for the rest of my life. he said it and he felt it, "i'm free." you're free, jawn. you don't have to hide it anymore. you told everyone you care about. we love and support you and we're always here for you whenever you need a helping hand. you're gonna help so many people get the support and resources they need, just like you needed and still do. i've never been so proud. i know you don't have access to the band's private twitter that i made because i refuse to let you in, but i tweeted out the helping hands donation link. they've been flooding in. anonymously put my own in, too, because it's not about me. it's about you. this is all you.

this morning, dad took us out for waffles, the family tradition, and i'm pretty sure jawn was trying not to cry when i said it had been all his idea. i've said it forever, and i'll say it always, jawn is our family. he is a knight, and he always will be.

i'm usually bad at presents. i overthink it and get something ridiculously sentimental that the other person doesn't even care about, or i get stupid joke gifts to make people laugh. this year, though, I think i got it right. The perfect amount of "you actually need this" mixed in with thoughtful and heartfelt. i was shaking while handing him what i thought was the most important. squeezing geoff real close once they'd arrived and whispering my plan into his ear as if it were top secret had my heart racing. he did amazing, though. i know i could trust him with my life if i ever needed to. i'm so lucky to call him a best friend.

tonight... there's been mixed emotions. insanely happy, terrified and feeling like my chest is going to cave in from how anxious i am for the future. a heavy conversation. i know jawn's right. there's nothing i can do to stop it or him. with the way things are going, it's inevitable. i know that. i wish i could hook him up and give him a live view of my mind, sometimes. lock him on to a specific channel so he couldn't wander off and view something he shouldn't, but i wish he knew what i was thinking, what happened during those two hours with sam on wednesday, what's been plaguing my mind since may.

i can't, though, no matter how scared it makes me. it's my little secret. at least for now.

[kitcat-italica]

on thursday my individual therapist wanted to take things in a direction i wasn't comfortable with, and when i tried to explain why i wanted to talk about what i thought was the main issue instead, she put me on the spot making as if i had to defend how I felt about it and if I said the wrong thing I would have to go in her direction instead. I felt trapped and attacked and shamed and I started sobbing so hard I could feel myself start to hyperventilate, and when she finally asked me what was happening I couldn't think of anything else to say except that I was terrified of saying the wrong thing. she defended how that wasn't the situation. I eventually got the balls to tell her to stop and I couldn't go on with the rest of the session and it wasn't helping. Now I don't feel safe opening up to her.

On Friday I talked to my boss about potentially having me work reduced hours and gradually work my way up to full time again when my psychiatrist signed off that I could do so. She spoke to her higher ups in corporate and got back to me essentially telling me that "there's no part time positions available right now" so if I couldn't go back to full time right away I would lose my job. I don't have any other choice because I have rent and other such responsibilities for living (not to mention I need my health insurance so I can get the mental health treatment I need in the first place), but now I don't feel safe talking to my boss about anything. Forget asking for help.

Saturday and Sunday I just. Could not sleep. At all. All night. Both nights. As of this writing, I've been awake for almost 72hrs straight. I've maybe eaten twice in that time frame. I alternate between panicking and hyperventilating, sobbing so hard I can't breathe, and just numbing and shutting down emotionally.

Then today in group therapy I opened up about all this when it was my turn to check in on how I was doing, and one of my fellow patients told me "I wouldn't want you as my therapist since you're a patient yourself"

like

that's exactly what my worst fear has been this entire time and he straight up just said it to my face and confirmed I've been incompetent and failing my patients this entire time

the group therapist tried to intervene and explain how critical I've been of myself the last 2 months in the group and struggle with my personal and professional worth and competence, which he didn't have any idea of at all since he's only been in the group a couple of days. the whole time i just. completely shut down. it felt like i'd been physically punched in the chest. then I broke down crying when the therapist was telling me it's okay to feel things deeply even though i've felt it's been a curse my entire life, and creating safety for my clients is always my number one priority etc etc etc. the guy apologized to me several times when he saw me just quietly crying harder and harder and harder. i didn't say anything in response because i couldn't accept it or forgive him. i highly doubt i ever will.

i don't want to go back to group because he'll be there. add that to the list of my individual therapist, my job, (and don't get me started on my parents and the realizations of the lessons I've realized they've taught me growing up about how to handle stress and emotions), of places I don't feel safe or comfortable

How does anyone expect me to stay alive past this evening

How

[nanasrecovery]

September 13, 2020

Well things have definitely changed a bit since my last journal entry, so this is gonna be a long one. I spent a week back home with my family, and the first day back was, as expected, my most anxiety filled day due to a full to-do list and just adjusting to another environment. I had errands to run for the little celebration I wanted to have for Alisa, Jungkook, and Bronson's birthday, and had some bottle drop offs to take care of as well. I didn't really have time to myself, except when I was in the car, which isn't exactly my most anxiety-free space to begin with (which wasn't always the case surprisingly). I enjoyed being around everyone and even making our own pizzas from scratch, but when it came time to eating, my social anxiety & ED took over (mostly ED). I let him convince me that I shouldn't eat even though I was starving. I knew exactly what was happening, but still, I couldn't get myself to eat. So I tried my best to enjoy the night, regardless of feeling uncomfortably hungry.

The next morning, the negativity continued. First thing I'm greeted by when I come downstairs was a multitude of questions from my mom like "why didn't you eat last night? Why didn't you go to your room and eat? How come you're not telling me how you're doing?" And I know she's coming from a good place as a mother, but this is the kind of thing I wanted to get away from when I moved to Henrico. My eating disorder and anxiety is something my mom will never fully understand, or maybe even try to understand. I've had several conversations with her before on ways she can help me, and I mean really help me, not the ways she thinks she's helping me. For example,

Really listening to me when I talk about my struggles

Not using her own struggle with anxiety as the cure for mine

Trust me that I'm making strides towards recovery at MY pace

But of course, sometimes I feel like she only hears what she wants to hear. What frustrated me the most was she said, "you know how I deal with my anxiety? I eat". And I said "well if you would really listen to me, you would know that I can't do that. If I could, we wouldn't be having this problem right now." And that immediately just made me irritable towards my mom for the rest of my time home, unfortunately. Regardless of that exchange, I was able to eat breakfast and finished my entire pizza from the night before for lunch.

I already had a feeling that being home was gonna help my anxiety a lot, and regardless of the negativity from my mom, it really was. I'm so thankful for Jaron and that he's so understanding and helpful when it comes to my anxiety. He said he would get a ride back up to Henrico just so I could stay home longer, and I'm honestly so glad I did. I've realized how much being home is healing for me, atleast during these current times. When things were going well for me in the beginning of the year, I loved being in Henrico, but after covid hit and things completely changed, I wanted to be back home even though I never wanted to admit it. But I can't dismiss the fact that home is where all of my favorite people are, and some of the anxieties I feel up in Henrico just don't exist when I'm back home.

The moment that made me really miss being home was my absolute favorite part of my week, and something I want to do more often. I had an impromptu picnic with Alisa, Jessa, and Bronson at Chesapeake City Park and it was literally the most relaxed I have felt in so long. Not having technology in my face the whole time, soaking in the sun and breathing fresh air in an open field just felt so nice, and I was able to eat half a sandwich and some pretzels in front of them, which is the most people I've eaten anything in front of in a long time. From that point on, I really wanted to try and make positive steps towards recovery.

I had asked on Twitter and Instagram if people had used CBD products before and what their thoughts were, and I received nothing but positive responses. Ate Jackie had some CBD products she had that she wasn't using so I picked them up and tried them out (yay for not having to pay). The gummies actually taste so good that I would totally eat a bunch at once if they weren't CBD haha. But at first I couldn't really tell if it did anything, but after use over the next couple days I felt the effects, and I'd say it did help mellow me out! I eventually needed a stronger dose and told John about it, so he went to a CBD store and bought gummies for me and some oil for himself (thankful for you, John). The new gummies definitely hit me harder, sometimes I feel like I'm high cause I'm so mellowed out hahaha. Either way, I'm glad that I've found a natural aid for my anxiety since the medication route hasn't been the best choice for me since ED.

Over the next few days I really tried to spend time with people while still giving myself time to rest. For one, I got into Stray Kids, which getting into a new group is a Serotonin boost in itself haha, especially when my biases look like this

How can I not feel happy when I look at them?????

But throughout the rest of the week I also soaked up my time with Deedee, Megan, and even Marc cause they always put me in a great mood. Definitely one of my favorite parts of being home.

Regardless of being stressed due to watching my nephews and dodging my mom's questions or overbearing tendencies, I was able to eat the most that I have in a while, which was really nice, but also brought on anxiety simply because my body isn't used to it. I am still super happy and excited about it nonetheless.

Friday night I had therapy, and after spilling out basically everything I had written about up until this point of the post, she really helped me organize my thoughts and worries, and I just always feel better after therapy sessions with her. She reminded me that sometimes it feels like we're fighting against our family, but we're on the same team fighting against ED, and showed me resources that I could give my mom to help her understand my situation more. She also helped me ease some worries about Jaron and I's current situation of planning on moving back home due to struggling finances since covid (which I'll probably go into detail another day).

My week back home ended with a visit to my Auntie. She texted me earlier that morning that if I had free time to stop by because she had something for me. I had no idea what to expect, but when I got there, I must say it was nice seeing family. She gave me a devotional journal, prayer card, and small vials of Rose oil, sat me down and basically said "the reason why I reached out was because I dreamt about you the other day and I rarely dream about family. And the dream was so dark and gloomy that I wondered why and felt like I should reach out". She told me about her struggles in life and how she trusted God and continues to learn and trust in Him. I told her how, even though the past year has been so difficult, it really brought me closer to God. Prior to going to their house, I was feeling really sad and anxious, but after leaving I felt so much better.

I made my way back up to Henrico, and man I missed Jaron a lot. Spending the past couple days with him has been really nice, and I've eaten generally well while being up here. Unfortunately it's hard for me to be by myself in the apartment all week and not feel super anxious, so I told him I wanted to stay back home for a bit, and of course, he understood. So I packed up some things and I'll be heading back down tomorrow morning.

This past week helped me see things in a new light, and how things will never go as planned, but everything definitely happens for a reason. My struggles are preparing me for the blessings to come and I'm going to be 100000x stronger mentally, physically, and spiritually after all of this is overcome.

Here's to more steps forward, no matter how small.

[therapy101]

My therapist said putting things into words, like a trauma, is supposed to help take the intensity of the trauma away or something (I don't remember exactly what she said.) So, on Friday I told her something that happened to me but it's Sunday and I still feel awful. I don't feel better at all, I feel scared because I haven't thought about that event in a long time and now I can't get it out of my head. Am I doing something wrong? Does therapy really work?

your therapist is correct that expressing things can help decrease the intensity of the emotion related to them. that’s because by stopping avoiding the thing, you remove some of the power the Thing has, decreasing the amount of negative emotions you experience related to the Thing and the amount of work you put into trying to avoid the Thing. however, you usually can’t just express the Thing once- you’ve got to do it over and over until you stop having strong negative emotional reactions to it. that can take anywhere from an hour to a year or more, and is unlikely to happen in a single session. 

during that time, you’ll usually experience what’s called an extinction burst. an extinction burst happens when you stop reinforcing something. in this case, the reinforcement is typically goes like: think of Thing -> feel bad ->avoid Thing and thoughts about Thing -> feel better -> continue to avoid Thing and thoughts of Thing. The avoidance is the reinforcer. But when stop reinforcing, and so stop avoiding, we confuse the system. The system in this case is your body. Your body notices that you did not avoid the Thing, and thinks “what is going on? they didn’t avoid the Thing! Maybe if I increase the alarm bells, they’ll avoid it like I want them to.” so then your negative reaction to the Thing increases- your symptoms get worse. This happens for a little while- minutes to months depending on the issue -and then it stops. Your body realizes you aren’t going to reinforce it anymore, and it stops raising the alarm bells, and your symptoms decrease. 

so no, I doubt you’re doing something wrong. but when you decide to express things in order to take away their power, you’ve got to have a good plan for how you’ll manage the extinction burst. That usually means lots of coping skills and self-care and self-monitoring, so that you can do the hard work of getting rid of your avoidance without being overwhelmed by the extinction burst. if you’d like to pursue this, I’d talk to your therapist about getting a really good plan in place so you feel more comfortable with your treatment. take care!