keepmyeyesonthehorizon

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

2024 was such a good year for me, you know? I got promoted, moved into my dream apartment, got my driver's license, and so many other wonderful things happened.

The problem is that with all this I found myself increasingly overwhelmed with work, I forgot about the things I loved doing and let myself be blinded by the seriousness of adult life.

When Liam left, I ended up cutting the last ties that connected me to the fandom and taking on more and more work .I thought that if I didn't hear anything or see anything, maybe I wouldn't feel anything. What a smart way to deal with grief.

Last week I finally went on vacation for the sake of my mental health and yesterday, walking through a stationery store, Kill My Mind started playing on the store's speakers. And hit me.

When life was simpler, when I listened to them every day, when a song started playing in public and the first thing I did was record an audio and send it to a friend. When I spent days reading and writing fanfics, when I knew where each one of them was, when I watched and rewatched the music videos, when I listened to the album in the order it was released and in the order that my heart commanded. When I was in three fandom groupschats, I followed update pages, I produced a podcast about them, I got tattoos for them, I slept in line at shows to see them, I met my best friend and my ex-girlfriend through the fandom.

Life was so much fun!!!!

Now I love other styles of music, I have no idea where they are, the only groupchat I'm in only communicates once a month, I don't remember the last time I read a fic and I definitely don't know where my fics will end up

When Kill My Mind played in the store, the tears stopped in my throat and I sang the whole song quietly while wishing that my first thought had been "OH MY GOD, IT'S MY LOVE!!" and not just "Oh, I know that one."

I miss it so fucking much.

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

— Vladimir Nabokov, Letters to Véra — Joseph Lorusso, Playing Their Song —

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

🐈‍⬛🤍

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

proud of zayn yesterday, today, tomorrow & always 💗

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

“you should be at the club” i should be by the sea. i should be in the mountains. i should be awestruck and rendered speechless by the majesty of the natural world. if you even care

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

if there's one surprising thing I've learned from reading all the tributes and eulogies to Liam- it's that he was in constant contact with SO MANY PEOPLE! People from every period of his life have all said the same thing- he checked on me frequently. We texted constantly. I texted with him the day/ a few days/ a week before he died, like we always did. In all this bad news and sadness, honestly it's a single thing that has kind of brought me joy, it's a sweet thing we didn't know about his life that's actually so nice? I mean idk what he felt... but it paints a sweet picture of someone who wasn't alone

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

may we all wake up tomorrow with less heavy hearts

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

we WILL find a way through the dark guys ,

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

reminder to self: one day it won’t bother you every night. one day it won’t even pass through your mind, not once.

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

“Your absence has gone through me Like thread through a needle. Everything I do is stitched with its color.”

— W. S. Merwin, Separation

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

not to be fake deep but one direction is the greatest band in the history of the world

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

It just… it wasn’t supposed to go this way. He was supposed to get the help he deserved and recover. They were supposed to eventually get back together and rob us all (happily, of course) blind of our life savings for their reunion tour tickets. I was supposed to be able to see him in person, bounding around stage, singing his harmonies and verses, doing mic flips, saying “sing it” and reading silly fan signs. He had so much more life left! He had so much more to do!

This isn’t fair! It isn’t right! This shouldn’t have happened! It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

[keepmyeyesonthehorizon]

I both envy and pity all the people in the world that saw the news about Liam and didn't have much of a reaction to it besides maybe 'oh that's sad' and were able to carry on with their day without anything changing for them. Envy because they're not currently feeling this deep aching sadness and sense of unfairness, and pity because that means they didn't get to experience the absolute joy and magic and once in a lifetime-ness that was 1d and its members