#I can't help that I'm bitter rn it's the end of the night so i'm a touch fixated

[thescreamcorner]

friendly reminder that to some degree, you are responsible for curating your own experience online and if someone crosstagging is making you see content you don't want to see, it's not the responsibility of the other blogger to not crosstag (especially when the post is about multiple things at once), it's your responsibility to either block them or the tag. And if the crosstag is actually incorrect and you feel the need to say something, don't be a(n ableist) dickbag about it.

[hasu-ko]

belladonna of sadness

Content: hotch x reader, unrequited love, pure angst, like pure pure angst, no happy ending, rossi being the greatest father figure you ever had, 3k.

A/N: Bruh, I'm so into Hotch these days that I've decided to write a fic about him after being on hiatus for almost 3 years. I just had to get these feelings out of my system. You people don't understand the intensity of my feels rn. I considered ending it on a happier note but then I decided that the angst is just so much better. Yes, my mother Stevie Nicks just had to be in this one.

"I'm leaving BAU, Dave," you finally breathed out the words that had been gnawing at the smooth walls of your stomach for what felt like an eternity.

It was a windy Friday night, and everyone from the team had already left after a particularly tiring case. Their thoughts were heavy, and their bodies yearned for rest and relaxation. You, on the other hand, dreaded going home, knowing that nothing but a cold bed awaited you there. It was a feeling that had haunted you for the past few years.

So, you did what you do best and immersed yourself in your work, catching up with everyone's paperwork and going through potential case files. Rossi decided to help you despite your stern protests.

The older agent's head snapped in your direction, utter confusion written all over his face.

"Why?" was all that he could muster.

"They offered me a teaching position at Cambridge. Maybe you don't know this, but I've always wanted a career in academia," you tapped your pen against the case file spread out in front of you as a lie passed your lips ever so nonchalantly.

"Don't even bother with petty lies, kiddo. It's because of him, isn't it?" Rossi sighed and ran his fingers through his colored hair.

You bit your lip anxiously, finally dropping all of your defense mechanisms. Despair that had been lightly simmering within you started boiling, burning your insides in a way that you had almost grown accustomed to over the past few months.

You let out a choked "yes," and all of a sudden, violent shakes overtook your tired body. All of the emotions that had been bottled up for ten years spilled out and wrecked every fine fiber of your being. You didn't know why you chose to tell Rossi everything that night. Maybe because he was the closest thing you ever had to a father, or maybe because you secretly hoped that he would make everything all right, like he always did.

"I just can't stand seeing him so damn happy with her, Dave. I know how selfish that sounds, but I've been nothing but selfless all these years. I've been there for him when he lost Haley. I've done everything I could to help him heal from that tremendous wound, and yet he still chose Beth. Don't get me wrong, I don't regret anything, Dave, but I'm just tired. He chose that stranger over me," you broke down completely, sobbing uncontrollably.

Rossi said nothing. For the first time in his life, he was rendered speechless. He knew you liked Hotch, but he never thought it was this deep and serious.

Now that the dam holding your emotions was shattered to dust particles, you continued.

"It hurts to be in the same room with him, David. It hurts so damn much. That man has brought so much pain and misery into my life, but I still love him as much as I did on the day that I first met him. It was easier when he was with Haley. I never had any hopes, but when she died, I thought..." you let out a bitter laugh, unable to finish that thought.

"You must think I'm an awful person."

Rossi just shook his head gently.

"Darling, you're just a human being."

"What is wrong with me, Dave? Why didn't he choose me?" you lifted your knees to your chest and buried your face in them.

Rossi stood up and wrapped his arms around your quivering form. You looked like a little child, so small and vulnerable. He wanted to scoop you up, kiss your forehead, and make things right, but he knew he couldn't. This was out of his control.

"Nothing is wrong with you, sweetheart. He just can't control whom he falls in love with. These things happen. You could be the most beautiful, the most brilliant, the most wonderful person in the world, which you are, but even that is not enough when it comes to love," he whispered in your ear.

"You know, I always tell people my job is the reason why I never got married, but the truth is, I love Aaron too much. The thought of loving another man twisted my insides in a way that no case could ever. I was so hopelessly loyal to him all these years, Dave. I wasted my life dreaming that one day he would love me back," you hurried to spill those words from your mouth, scared that your vocal cords would betray you before you could confess your deepest secret to someone.

For some strange reason, you looked for pity that night. You were so miserable by that point, and you just wanted someone to acknowledge your misery. People always sought the validation of their pain. They wanted to make sure that their problems were real, that they were not overreacting or imagining things, thinking that compassion and pity would do them some good. They never did.

Rossi took your head in his hands and forced you to look at him.

"We love to be in control; we love to think that our actions will somehow affect the outcome of our lives, but oh, how wrong are we. Sure, you can control certain aspects of your life, such as your career or hobbies, or any other man-made field, but we are helpless when it comes to things that matter. Maybe that is why we value love and friendship so much; because we can't choose who we fall in love with or which people we meet. All of those things happen naturally; one day you just wake up and realize that you've become best friends with someone without being able to pinpoint the exact moment in which the strong bond was created. Perhaps there is someone somewhere on this planet who could understand you better and love you better, but you will never meet them because you were not destined to meet them. Your love for him matters. Don't think that it was all for nothing because you did help him. You helped him a lot," he spoke slowly.

"The pain is unbearable, Rossi," you muttered lowly, tears finally ceasing.

"Until one day it gets bearable, and then it gets lighter, and then it turns into a shadow, and one day you wake up and it doesn't hurt anymore. You need time to heal. You need to do everything you can to help that process, even if it means moving halfway across the world," he got up and poured himself a glass of whiskey, visibly shaken by your sudden confession.

"Thank you. I appreciate everything you did for me," you stood up, legs still shaking.

"You are welcome. I'm always here for you," he smiled a pained smile.

"Actually, I have a favor, or two to ask."

"Anything."

"Promise me you won't tell him or anyone else on the team what you heard tonight in this room. Ever," you stared at him firmly with your puffy eyes filled with pure determination.

"I promise," Rossi didn't hesitate for even a second.

"Also, can you please host one last party for me? I'm leaving on Monday. Everything has already been settled with the higher-ups, so Aaron won't bother with that. I just want to see you all for one last time," you genuinely smiled at him.

"I'll make sure to gather them all on Sunday evening."

"Thank you, Dave," you walked up to him and kissed his cheek.

Before he could reply, you were already at the door.

~

You watched the people you considered your family lounging carelessly in Rossi's living room from your spot on the kitchen counter and hummed lightly along the tune of "Summer Wine" that played softly in the background. The chain of anxiety and guilt that wrapped itself around your lungs constricted just a little bit tighter at the mere thought of the task ahead of you.

They all looked so happy, and that made you doubt your decision, but one look at the man responsible for your current state reminded you that you had to do it.

Garcia laughed at something Morgan said, and you couldn't fight back a smile of your own.

"Better sooner than later," you heard Dave's whisper as he closed the wine cabinet after finding what he was looking for.

"I'm not telling them, David. I don't have it in me to watch their hearts get broken," you sighed softly, tracing soft patterns on a cool glass filled with orange juice.

"I know it's not my decision to make, but" Rossi started, but you quickly interrupted him by pushing yourself off the counter and walking toward the grand piano next to a huge window.

You smiled fondly at all of the memories created in that very spot. Ever since Dave returned to the team, you had a habit of dining at his place at least once a month. That's how the team found out about your affinity toward music. Playing for them brought you joy you hadn't felt since you played at your mother's parties.

You ran a finger down the keys, and as if on cue, they all gathered around you. The ability to bring happiness into your team's difficult lives kept you going for years. Now, it just wasn't enough.

Morgan and Garcia sat on a small sofa close to the grand piano. Emily, JJ, and Reid leaned against the kitchen island with drinks in their hands. Rossi stood behind you with worry written all over his features. He didn't even hide it anymore. Hotch must have picked it up as he furrowed his eyebrows, watching both of you from his spot in the living room.

Sitting down with a heavy sigh, you spoke.

"You know, it occurred to me that I never played you guys my favorite song. I was saving it for a special occasion, but what the hell."

As soon as those words left your lips, an interlude for "Has Anyone Ever Written Anything for You" started playing.

This song was a central piece of your most grandiose dream - marrying Hotch. You imagined playing it for the guests at your reception. As your fingers gracefully glided across the piano keys, the music filled the air with a sweet melody that resonated with the emotions of the day. Hotch's steps were gentle and deliberate as he approached you, a smile on his face, and love in his eyes. You, lost in the music and the joy of the occasion, were momentarily unaware of his presence. As he wrapped his arms around you, you felt his warmth and presence, and your heart skipped a beat. Your embrace was a symbol of your unity, your journey together, and the promise of a lifetime of happiness.

You squeezed your eyes shut as tears threatened to spill at any moment.

Has anyone ever written anything for you?

In all your darkest hours,

Have you ever heard me sing?

The pain in your chest multiplied by a thousand and stood as a stark reminder of the deep connection between mind and body. It was a physical manifestation of the emotional damage you had endured for too many years, a silent cry for help that demanded acknowledgment and healing. Your voice cracked. Ignoring it, you opened your eyes, which immediately found him, and carried on.

Listen to me now

You know I'd rather be alone

Than be without you

Don't you know?

No matter how painful his gaze filled with pity and fatherly compassion was, you didn't stop. Tears blurred your vision, but you knew you had to do it. This was the only way. The right way.

Has anyone ever given anything to you?

In your darkest hour

Did you ever give it back?

Well, I have

I have given that to you

If it's all I ever do

This is your song

A pair of hands wrapped around your shoulders in the gentlest of manners, and you felt Emily's ragged breath on top of your head. You leaned back against her warm and protective chest.

And the rain comes down

There's no pain and there's no doubt

It was easy to say, I believed in you every day

If not for me, then do it for the world

But there was pain, and it filled the whole house. It seized the hearts of your teammates as well. Garcia's loud sob managed to reach your ears even through the music. You didn't look at her. Even if you wanted to, you couldn't tear your eyes away from a single tear that traveled down Hotch's beautiful face.

You managed to rasp out the final words.

So if not for me, then do it for yourself

If not for me, then do it for the world

Suddenly, the air in the living room became incredibly heavy, suffocating you to the point where you thought your whole body would snap in two. Before anyone could react, you jumped out of Emily's arms and ran toward the door that led to the backyard.

Crisp October air filled your cramped lungs instantly, and you allowed yourself to breathe. Goosebumps formed under the long, flowy chiffon sleeves of your dress of choice for that night, and you couldn't tell if it was from the cold breeze or the whirlwind of emotions wreaking havoc inside of you. Your gaze climbed up and steadied itself on the full moon stuck to the heavens above. The moon had been your best friend for such a long time, and you pitied her for having to listen to your hushed secrets and anguished cries. The tears had dried along the way, and you looked at her with wide and watery eyes. You wanted nothing more than to climb up there, hide yourself in whatever hole she offered you, and wither away.

A presence next to you disturbed you from your train of thought, and soon after, Hotch's scent empowered every one of your senses.

"Beautiful. Isn't she?" you broke the silence, your tone of voice back to normal.

"Yes. I haven't looked up at the sky in such a long time," he crossed his arms over his chest.

You hummed mostly to yourself as you took another step toward the edge of Rossi's porch.

"How is Jack doing? With so much work at our hands, I haven't been able to visit him in what feels like months," you placed your elbows on the wooden fence in front, leaning at the same time in a desperate attempt to create more space between the two of you.

"Good. Great, actually. He's been asking about you, wondering why you don't stop at ours as much as you used to. I've been asking myself the same question for quite a while," he didn't miss a beat and mimicked your movements, letting his forearm brush against yours in the process.

In an instant, the ache soared in your chest again, and you let out a strangled breath.

"How is Beth doing? Jack seems to be in love with her as much as you are," choosing to ignore his remark, you shook an invisible knife penetrating your very soul, driven by a masochistic urge to wound it even deeper.

"I was planning on dropping by her place after the dinner. We haven't seen..." before he could finish, he was cut off by your shrill voice. You just couldn't take it.

"Stop it. I can't take it anymore, Hotch. I'll die if you finish that sentence," you haven't realized that teardrops started painting your face again.

"Darling, please. Don't do this," came in the form of a hoarse croak.

"No, Aaron, you broke my heart, you broke my entire life. You are the one who practically raised me long before Rossi came along. I built my life around you. Look at me, Aaron," you sobbed while turning to face him.

"I'm a pale shadow of a woman that I once was. Look at my face, look at these lines between my brows. Look at this hair falling out. Look how old my hands look, my skin almost see-through, frail."

He said nothing and just looked at you through his tears.

"You want to know the worst part of it all? You are so worth it, my love. You are so worth it. I would choose this life with you amongst all of the happier versions without you in it. I would go through all of this immeasurable pain over and over and over again just to see you smile that rare smile of yours that sends me into rapture. I would choose you even if you don't choose me. Always and for as long as I live," you poured your heart in front of him, watching him for what you knew would be the last time, trying to memorize every feature of his handsome face.

"I'm so sorry, I truly am," he finally wrapped his limp hands around your smaller form.

He couldn't help but notice how perfectly your body was snug against his, how warm you were, and how you smelled like oranges and vanilla.

"It is okay, baby. There is nothing to be sorry about; it's not your fault. You can't choose whom you fall in love with," you repeated Rossi's words in his white shirt, forever ruining it with whatever makeup was left on your face.

His grip around your shoulders tightened as if he was trying to push you into his ribcage in a desperate attempt to get even closer to you. Hotch's hot tears trickled down your neck and ended up being soaked into the fabric of your dress. You finally relaxed in his warm embrace, all of the intense feelings making you slump against him.

"I'm so sorry that I can't give you what you deserve," he whispered against your ear and proceeded to kiss your temple.

At that moment, something just snapped inside you, as if someone cut the electric wiring in the middle of a rave party. Darkness painted your insides and numbness finally settled in.

You pulled away from him and cupped his face in your small hands.

"Here's what we're gonna do, Hotch. You and I will wipe away these tears. Then we will go inside, and we will pretend that this never happened, just like you pretended that my feelings never existed for the past 10 years. We are going to play and sing and laugh with our friends. Then we will come into the office tomorrow, and JJ will brief us on our latest case, and life will go on," your voice was utterly devoid of any emotion as you lied to him in the most blatant and shameless way and wiped his face with the fabric of your sleeve.

The dullness of your eyes frightened Hotch more than anything he had ever seen in his life, but before he could respond, you started dragging him back inside with a fake smile plastered on your face.

"Let's go back inside, my love. Tomorrow is a new day."

[haovcrse-a]

💋: what motifs/symbols do you associate with your ship?

🌑 : what was the canon character’s first impression of them, and what do they think of them now?

w/ yizou!!! (or any of your other ships, no pressure<3)

thank you sm aki <333 decided to mix in some of my hsr ships with this !!

💋: what motifs/symbols do you associate with your ship?

yizou — summer and winter // linked pinkies // late night phone calls // holding each other's bags // bus rides // hidden knives up our selves // late night walks // stars // paper and ink // film rolls and photographs

zhade — eclipses // bitter coffee // dark shades of red // protective embraces // callouses on our hands // sitting shoulder to shoulder // tracing each other's scars // drawing on the other's arm // nosebleeds // bass guitars & music sheets // notebooks

sunhao — broken birdcages // swords & shields // feathers // sunlight through the windows // star charts & the night sky // smooth & delicate hands & rough & weathered ones // unsent letters

🌑 : what was the canon character’s first impression of them, and what do they think of them now?

oooh the reverse !! went way shorter for this one bc im a little too lazy to pull up voice lines rn / to get the characterization somewhat on track

yizou — "what a strange fellow. interesting background too. hmm the perfect amount of trouble." // "this dumbass. i'm fine, i'm ok. i'm not leaving you anytime soon."

zhade — "... why'd he stop me? why'd he help? you saved me for what reason? you should've left. leave me alone" // "please, stay close to me. don't drift too far during this fight otherwise... i want to see the end of this with you."

sunhao — (they were originally childhood friends, so i went with when they reunited in person for the first time after years !) "he's changed so much. i wonder, how much he remembers... he's a bodyguard... my bodyguard. i shouldn't... it would be hinder the plans" // "my darling, my hao, mine. they can't take you away from me, not when i have a say-should have a say. please, my love, let me protect you back."

[neos-schlond-poofa]

Garrance: How to Save a Life

I live laugh love Garrance and I once edited the first part. And ever since like one day, I listened to How to Save a Life by The Fray and went "omg..." AND WAS LIKE THATS THEM!! It was actually in like 2021 and it was me imagining if I had artistic talent and making a general MCD edit of it but slowly its turned into a predominantly Garrance theme song for me and like. I NEED TO SPREAD THIS AGENDA!! Just a heads up, its 1am for me rn, I don't remember everything the clearest, and I'm literally just rambling so it wont be too organized or have consistent grammar or writing styles. ANYWHO cue the music

Step one, you say we need to talk He walks, you say, "Sit down, it's just a talk" He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame You begin to wonder why you came OKAY SO LIKE THIS WHOLE FIRST PART I always envision it as late season 1 Garrance. Specifically when Garroth had his depressive episode (WHICH BY THE WAY GUYS WAS NOT HIM BEING AN INCEL!! IT WAS HIM BEING DEPRESSED AND MANIPULATED AND MOST LIKELY BRAINWASHED STOP VILLAINIZING HIM). Laurance did try to talk to him in that one episode, and it obviously didn't work. Laurance CARES about Garroth, like thats obviously super clear, and to see someone close to him randomly go into hiding and act all depressed is scary to him. And then... THE WINDOW TO YOUR RIGHT IS QUITE LITERALLY THE PORTAL TO THE IRENE DIMENSION!! Garroth goes left (to Zane) and Laurance stays right (to Aphmau). THE LINES OF FEAR AND BLAME? Laurance finds out that Garroth was tricked. He's scared of Garroth rn because he's literally insane but he blames himself too, not just for being part of the illusion that made Garroth become like this, but also because he wasn't there to help him out more maybe. He could've saved him, but he couldn't, and it still plagues him especially after he escapes the Irene Dimension. Garroth is all alone there with his brother who wants to kill him.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Yes this continues with the last part. But Laurance lost a friend here. Like. Not just by Garroth betraying them, but by him getting stuck in a dimension thats practically torture. And the bitterness? ITS THE BITTERNESS GARROTH WAS LOST IN!!! Laurance would stay up with Garroth all night... but he didn't know how to save a life.

Let him know that you know best 'Cause after all, you do know best Try to slip past his defense Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along And pray to God He hears you And I pray to God He hears you, and Alright this is were a lot more interpretation comes in because once Garroth returns, they interact like... TWICE??? The scene were Laurance goes out of character and hates on Aaron (although he had a point) and when he finally saw Garroth again but Aph was dressed as Zane. I also don't remember the ending of Season 2 that much; most of my strongest memories of MCD is Season 1. So like. Bear with me here. But this is Garroth to Laurance now. Laurance is now going insane. The calling (whatever that is because it is so unclear) is well... calling to Laurance. To me, Laurance's mental health is literally just spiraling. And Garroth, someone who has had his fair share of mental health struggles, wants to help. He knows best; he knows to talk to people, he knows the dark paths it can bring people. He's trying to get through to Laurance and telling him whats wrong, how he can help. But of course, in this situation, Laurance can't listen. He can't hear Garroth, and Garroth's close connection with the religion in MCD is a bonus for the final lines too.

Where did I go wrong? I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Of course the chorus is back because I have to explain this perspective too. By now, I imagine Laurance has left. Garroth feels guilty; someone who helped keep Aphmau together while he was gone and someone he loved. This is really simple but like, I can't skip over this.

As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things He will admit to everything Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came AND NOW THIS IS BOTH PERSPECTIVES!! It shows the parallels between their own journeys. Let's start with Garroth, since we have more stuff on him. Garroth was very defensive during his depressive episode and during the final episode of season 1, he has one final choice. Go with Zane, or come to his senses. And he does admit to everything, but at first, he said he's just not the same. BECAUSE HE WASN'T!! HE WAS SAD AND MANIPULATED. But for Laurance, he would also be defensive about this. His own self will is being stripped from himself because of weird Nether laws and he's spiraling. Garroth tries to help... but he simply can't. There is nothing he can do. OR MAYBE THERE IS?? Idk this is kind of just in my mcd rewrite universe and i like to imagine theres some way Laurance does get better but at the same time realistically... would he?? The nether is like so strong. Like how would he do that. But he does have a choice: either go to the Nether, or stay with his group. He can either admit it's hard, or he's just changed and leave. And now the final chorus and everything plays and its kind of the same as before... ive gotten increasingly more eepy during this writing and I hope my rambling style got my ideas across because this song literally got in my top 5 spotify wrapped because i kept imagining garrance angst to it. its so them god one day i need to share stuff about my rewrite. theres so much random stuff i have in there and this song is really important to it. i just like. GARRANCE RAHHH. my former interpretations of this song also had an aphmau perspective, which does entirely work; like. imagine the final verses is mirroring her own experiences with garroth AND laurance. i love garrancemau (SHE HAS TWO HANDS!! ignore how i also ship her with two more people too she can just hug them all at once) but i cant put it into this song as much as i used to because its so garrance. theyre so ugh i love my sad little gay men!! anyways toodles my rant here is done

[ghoulishhusband]

I just realized I can actually talk here. Like this is my account fuck u

Fucking uhhhhhh, hi ig lemme ramble abt my God ocs yea?

Ignore this part if you don't wanna hear (likely) unedited rambles lol it doesn't matter

CW: neglect/abuse, assholery/narcissism, manipulation, tread lightly!

read the under cut owo

Also don't steal my art I'll fucking?? Fight you????

So

I have three main gods that I wanna talk abt especially bc they've been on my mind lately.. Less get it, side notes are in (parentheses) and are bolded cause I have perception issues whoo I don't want it to jumble together is my point lol

First up is my asshole,

Giodine

they/them (preferred)

god/godself (i like pronouns that fit my characters, so I'm giving a bunch away for one night only at--)

ID : Giodine is colored with gold-ish yellow skin and ginger hair. Their eyes are a muted purple and they have tiny eyebrows. Their lips are a muted brown and are full looking, their nose is sharp and points down. They have wings for ears and is wearing a blazer with a long-sleeved, collared shirt underneath it. The background is beige with a yellow square and a dark purple square partially encompassing it. It is signed GH (for ghoulish husband), Spork, 21.

(lemme know if that helps at all! I'm sure I can do better so lemme know!)

If they look weird here it's bc I accidentally made their face too long but believe it or not this is in fact just a doodle Ik I'm so fuckin talented babes.

Anyways, they're basically the first God to ever exist on my version of earth (though even that is fickle rn, world-building is hard unless I hyper-focus on it, and haha Guess What I Haven't Been Thinking About) and they're very egotistical and selfish. As I'll probably yap about later is how they're manipulative as well, especially to another God I'll mention, and very neglectful to the other... other one.

Their partner(professionally), or fiend as they call him, is sam who for the first few eons was, unsurprisingly, absolutely terrible to him. A few tender moments are few and far in between in what could only be described as a completely rancid relationship. I'll describe giodine's side and in sam's lil ramble, I'll describe his :]

I have to explain this because it's a big part of the lore and how they can't work together, even when one of them is very much near The Void (technical death for gods) BUT basically, with Sam, giodine created purgatory. The issue here is that they basically seduced sam into doing it. Well, even if they hadn't, sam was in lesbians(happy pride month lmao) with giodine and would've done it anyway. But the ISSUE is that with the creation of purgatory came complications. See, my gods have to take time to develop into their power, and considering giodine was first and sam was around 666th.. you see the issue. Sam wasn't into his complete power yet and thus lost a giant part of it that went into purg.

See, giodine saw no problem with this (until much later, they do get a VERY SLOW BURN redemption arc cause this ain't even the worst of it), they got what they were aching for out of them and thusly had no need for..sam. They laid him in the spot where she was made (fwi it isn't inherently sexual, it can be, but literally, they just merged together-- taking bits and pieces of each other (which sam did not have enough of) and earth and light yadda, yadda I'll post the story I wrote for that later if I'm up to it) and left him there in the grass.

Again, they saw no problem with that, the deed was done, they didn't care anymore. A common issue in their qualms, sam and Giodine. They did find an issue in Sam finding an issue in the lack of aftercare, which resorted to any message going to or coming from sam going straight to his assistant and going back through them for a couple of thousand years. They found that infuriating-- how could he not face them over something so small! and for years?! it was ridiculous. After forcing a face-to-face meeting, a heated proclaim of hurt from sam, and a bitter agreement to meet up every now and again, they got what they wanted from him. Again. It was a business after all, there was no point in making it harder than it needed to be. 

Giodine doesn't necessarily like boundaries and tends to overstep sam's frequently. They also don't like his reaction to his boundaries being long jumped over, which thusly ends up in disgruntled messages being sent back and forth between them and his assistant for a month or three. It slowly gets through to them, but they tend to say some stupid shit and if they want sam to stay, they have to try and avoid mentioning how "overly sensitive" he is to something that happened eons ago.

(quick mention, there isn't like. time. here. so in all honesty, giodine probably counted earth days instead of Heaven 'days' to get that) Soon into their arrangements to meet, they seem to get on at least tolerable terms, obviously, a few meetings where neither of them feels like going apeshit and taking proper shapeless (or in sams case, he's got a newfound form for ANGER OO just for giodine 🤗) forms isn't going to fix a grudge that has yet to be apologized for by the way. But it's a start to a very long process down the road. Tolerance.

Giodine as an entity is very fickle and rude and demanding. They tend to have a short temper that no one else is allowed to have or comment on-- They were the first therefore they were the most important!

This is very obviously an issue. But it's mostly directed to purgatory. Almost all of their seething rage is pointed towards the poor entity, she's barely been alive yet and they already seem to hate her for things she doesn't know how to do. Honestly, I don't think Purg will ever fully forgive them for the unnecessary abuse of her character, but just as Sam and Giodine get on better terms, they had barely just begun fixing the hole in their relationship. As of now, Sam/Giodine don't have any minor plot points with purgatory other than the major one so I don't have a lot to say about their relationship right now. Maybe one day.

I'd go into details, seriously, but I just wanna ramble about their relationships with each other and their impact on each other's existence. Hope you don't mind a few secrets 😉

But, now, it's time for a new God, one I think most people take a liking to...

Sam (Samuel)

He/him

ID: Sam is surrounded by clouds in the light blue, fading to a darker blue sky and the yellow sun. His horns are a darker beige, which is being highlighted by the sun shining down on him, he also has pointed ears. His skin is red which is very prominent in the sun. His eyes are completely yellow, his hair, beard and mustache are also black. He has an orange scar crawling up to his Adams apple. His wings are a darker grey which is also being highlighted by the sun. His nails are painted black and his hand is holding up the black fabric barely covering his shoulders. Around the painting is a gold and red shaded frame with swirls complimenting each side and a crystal at the bottom of it. It is lightly signed GH, for ghoulish husband.

Sam, Sam, Samuel.

If you don't realize right away, Sam is basically Satan, he's the ruler of hell

Like how giodine was the first to appear on earth, as mentioned before sam was 666th for funnie reasons. Sam was made from bugs, dried blood, and sunlight which sounds pretty gross, but he's far from it. He's a silly, yet neat, guy. He wears Hawaiian shirts and khakis (not around giodine lmao) for cryin' out loud! how bad of a person can he be? Apparently to giodine (for a while obviously) he was the most retched entity to exist. This very much hurt him considering the amount of fake care they showed him before. With a mixture of confusing feelings (which wasn't supposed to be a thing but Univerce went "lmao you'll be fine" and left... short explanation, Univerce is the Universe and is the entity who simply builds these planets and gods that'll appear there and leave them to their own devices, xyr not extremely important in this story. Nor would they care.) and feeling used, he decided that no he wasn't going to take that.

If there is one thing Sam knows how to do is to self preserve himself, even if that means getting passive-aggressive notes sent to him every once in a while. While this period, Sam was surprisingly the least productive (unfortunately giodine knew this and eventually mentioned it in one of their meetings which made him hide away cause like hell giodine was going to be critical of /him/) but he managed. It wasn't terrible, but unfortunately, Sam being able to talk it out with someone who does practically the same work as he does and gets newer, more helpful ideas was better in the long run.

Unsurprisingly, Sam was the first to initiate the healing of his and giodine's relationship but it wasn't reciprocated. Who would've figured, aye? Giodine kept pushing it back onto him and ignoring any progress that could've been made before. Which was frustrating.

The painting above was 'painted' by giodine, which is sorta where their relationship gets somewhat on an understanding of each other. Giodine gets to take a deep long look into who Sam is and tries to express it but it never fit him, it makes them realize that they never really-- truly got to know him. And all it does for Sam is make him even more confused about his place in giodine’s mind. He figured it's another fluke to get him to do something, so he ends up distancing himself when they start actually reciprocating his friendship advancements.

Suddenly, like a flash, Sam was forced to stay with giodine which is where the majority. I'll explain.

Sam...isn't actually the ruler of hell. Anymore, anyways depending on the timeline. His and purgatory's relationship has always been complicated, she always avoided him, and when they talked she always seemed scared of him. So in the end, they've never been close. Distant. Sam always wanted to talk to her, he made her, but if she didn't want to talk to him he wouldn't force it. But imagine his surprise as Purg singlehandedly took over hell in a hazed frenzy.

And not only that, had a personal vendetta against him!

Well, that would be the only explanation to Sam considering how he ended up broken and barely 'alive' at the hands of her. Horns broken and in tatters, pain and almost obliterated it felt like a hate crime. He didn't know what to do when he made it to the office, Purgatory was creating chaos outside his door and barely being able to breathe he felt like it was the end. So he called giodine. 

Purgatory

She/her

ID: Purgatory is surrounded by flowers that are dark grey and white. The light fades down into a dark green. The light shines down on top of her straight, white hair that has yellow flowers tucked into it.  Her skin is a dark brown and has a orange-ish yellow scar on her shoulder trailing up to her neck. Her skin is also highlighted by the sun. In one of her eyes, her sclera is black with an orangey, glowing iris. As for the other eye it it has a white sclera and the same, glowing orange iris. She has wings for ears, one dark grey and one white along with beige horns. She has a white fabric covering her chest. The frame is gold with white accents, but also has vines and moss crawling up the side. 

(may have goofed a bit and forgot to color the sclera of her other eye white but ignore that pls)

Purgatory was made by Sam and Giodine, but to her it felt like a mistake. Why make someone that you’re going to be terrible to, she believed. Giodine seemed to hate her and eventually made her section almost obsolete because she simply wasn’t able to keep up with the backlog that she wasn’t taught to deal with. Not only that, she didn’t have any help with any of it, it was almost like she was expected to just do it on her own. Until Death came along to help, but that’s not what we’re going to be talking about right now. 

And also, Purgatory is Purgatory yadda, yadda, I wont insult your intelligence.

Giodine’s thought process (other than wanting to be Real Close to Sam and once that thought filtered out, promptly ignored it) was that all the extras that don’t fit in either category of their thought of good and evil they’d go to her. (doesn’t matter cause in Sam's system it filters through ‘levels of assholery’ and depending on how bad you are you either just vibe in the upper city under rule of capitalism and possibly many under paying jobs or being actually tortured for his amusement if you’re just evil. Morally grey. Anyway, it could work p well in heaven if giodine wasn’t such a damn stickler.) But in the end, every day, less and less people ended up in purgatory, leaving her with barely any people and more verbal abuse from giodine who ‘HAS to take them or they would be more dead than they already are’. You see the pain she has to go through, right? 

~Idea section, this is probably not canon anyways so dont take it serious~ 

My thought is that another oc (BA, you may have heard of him idk) takes over simply because Purg took multiple hims from alternative timelines (which isn’t allowed but what’re they gonna do, undead a dead clown? multiple times from multiple timelines???)) because she adored him and they figured ‘well we gotta redo purgatory may as well do it like this’ and make him a demi-dead-god. i think thats a cool idea right? anyhoo

~Idea section over uwu~

Purgatory overall is a fairly timid character, she doesn’t like conflict, is easily overwhelmed, and generally keeps to herself. She doesn’t see the point in being in any drama if she’s just going to be yelled at and scolded even if it’s not about her. The only way i could describe her taking over hell is this: 

She was tired. She was angry and after feeling like nothing was in control or in her hands, she snapped. Why doesn’t she get anything or get to be ‘all powerful’ but they do? She knew if she took on Giodine she’d likely get thrown to the void, but sam? He felt fair game. Considering her fear of both of these gods, she planned and got her courage up to take him over. She had considered negotiations but in the end, she ended up going into a haze and ruining everything in sight. She was more powerful than she thought and once she started, she didn't stop until Death restrained her and Sam was already in pieces at God’s doorstep. 

The aftermath was fuzzy for her and for everyone really. Godine was planning a take back hell while actually worrying for sam, sam was planning for a retirement, and she was being consoled while trying to get in contact with sam to apologize. Giodine wouldn’t dare let her talk to him, until she just showed up in their office. She didn’t have a problem with Sam, honest, she just was going to take shit over, but it got out of control. 

Spoiler, Sam took her apology and they actually became.. somewhat closer after reaching an understanding. 

I wanna say that giodine took them being okay and sam retiring as good as sam did about purg running hell, but they didn’t. Giodine and purgatory actually barely got along in the first place, and only begun ‘working’ on their bitterness toward each other because they both had sam to encourage it. I can’t say for certain if they’ll get better, as theyre both undying and have time, but I’ll just say for now its uncertain. 

Also, Death is Purgatory’s girlfriend after all of that lmao.

And.. yeah, i hope this makes sense and that you like my drawings and ramblings about my lil story in my head, i guess this is my way to develop it without just keeping it to myself cause god forbid i keep things to myself hshsh. If you made it to the end, thank you for taking the time to read and attempting to process everything, and even if you didnt read and just looked to look at my art thank you to!!

I may post some art over on @ghoulishhusbandart cause.. it was my art account before i completely forgot about it but i might reboot it! But if you wan art NEOWWW follow me on insta (ik cringe lmaoo) by the same name as this account @ghoulishhusband​ or just click that insta link! also ignore the fact that giodine is the only one without a portrait, maybe I’ll replace it the next time i draw but im graduating on monday and my dad’s coming TOMORROW?? so i won’t have too much time to do it... but i hope you like my art anyways :]

ok!! ty!! ily!!

[just-stop]

From AFLW to roller derby, experts say its time to take concussion in women's sport seriously

When the Crows chase their third AFLW premiership on Saturday, captain Chelsea Randall will be watching from the sidelines.

A concussion from a collision during last week's preliminary final left her ruled out of the match.

It's a bitter sweet way to end a season — but as Sarah McCarthy knows, a concussion can have much longer consequences

In 2016, Sarah was the jammer for her Sydney roller derby team, skating at high speed in the league's Grand Final, aiming to get past the opposition and score points.

Risks of contact sport

Sarah McCarthy received a knock to the head during a roller derby match.

"I was a few feet in front of the pack, looking over my shoulder," she tells ABC RN's Sporty.

As she skated, a competitor's elbow hit Sarah's neck and jaw hard and she crashed to the ground.

She doesn't remember if she passed out or not, but recalls feeling briefly sick.

She got up, sat out for awhile, but later re-joined the bout, feeling reasonably ok.

It was Sarah's second concussion that week, having had an earlier blow at training.

The next few months passed in a blur of sickness, dizziness and ringing ears.

"I could barely make it past lunch time without falling asleep. My head felt like it was in a vice 24 hours a day," she says.

What was worse, says Sarah, was the memory loss, heightened emotions, and constant haze in her mind as she struggled to manage a big work project.

Sarah's experience is not out of the ordinary. Experts say sportswomen are at higher risk of concussion than male athletes, and the effects of concussion in women tend to be more severe.

Sarah still lives with the ongoing after effects of her concussion even today.

Almost five years on, Sarah continues to live with the implications of Post Concussion Syndrome.

"I struggled verbally, and I still do now if I have a poor night's sleep," Sarah says.

"It's almost like I'm sitting on a chair in a room with a curtain around me and all of my vocabulary is just beyond the curtain. And I can't reach it or I use the wrong words. I forget people's name all the time," she says.

"I'm fatigued every day. I still can't exercise. I can't handle stress, I can't handle light, I can't handle sounds."

What happens when you're concussed?

Dr Adrian Cohen, an emergency and trauma physician who researches concussion prevention, says concussion is not as simple as was once thought.

He says concussion results in less blood flow to the brain.

This means brain cells, called neurons, don't get enough oxygen and glucose. They also suffer a "structural deformity".

Basically, Dr Cohen says, the brain has a "metabolic crisis" and neurons stop working properly.

Why is concussion more common in women?

We don't have enough data on the size of the problem, Dr Cohen says.

But research and scrutiny of concussion in women in sport is growing — largely in the wake of developments in elite men's sport such as the AFL and NFL.

"Doctors like myself who work in this area are definitely seeing it more often and we're seeing it with more severity," Dr Cohen says.

He says women sustain more concussions than men in high-impact sports such as rugby league, rugby union and Australian rules football. Women also take longer to recover.

One possibility is that women may be more likely to report concussion.

But Dr Cohen says there are complex physiological factors at play.

"There are structural differences between men and women's brains," he says.

"They actually have a slightly faster metabolism than male brains, and they have slightly greater oxygen flow to the head.

"The cells themselves can be thought of as being slightly hungrier. So in the context of an injury that disrupts the supply of glucose and oxygen, it can help explain why they suffer more damage."

He also says women are joining high impact sports without years of tackle training and have had less opportunity to build up the strong neck muscles crucial in protecting against impact.

Dr Cohen says these factors are not an argument for reducing women's participation in contact sport — the benefits, he says, far outweigh the risks — but he is urging for new ways to minimise those risks.

"We have to outlaw illegal play that causes damage, we have to get people off the field when they have an injury, we have to recognise concussion," he says.

He is part of a team developing a new device which he says can quickly and accurately assess a player for concussion.

"Instead of just asking somebody whether they're okay, and putting [them] through a 10 minute test, which seems fundamentally flawed at the moment, we have got to put this in the field of objectivity."

Concussion and migranes

Dr Rowena Mobbs, a Macquarie University neurologist who researches and treats the effects of concussion in sportspeople, says there is truth to suggestions that women experience concussion symptoms more severely.

"But there is this really important overlap of chronic migraine after trauma, and the term for this is post-traumatic headache," she says.

"When we talk about migraine ... they're the same multitude of symptoms that can occur in concussion.

"So you can be dizzy and clouded in your thinking, lethargic and have double vision. And we know that women are at three times the risk of chronic migraine than men."

A woman on roller skates playing roller derby can be seen flying up the court.

Experts say more research is needed into concussion in sportswomen.(Liam Mitchell Photography )

She suggests there could be an association between chronic migraine syndrome and concussion, a kind of double whammy for women.

"It's really a complex area," Dr Mobbs says.

"It's fairly new to research because, unfortunately, there's been so much preferred research in men in sport, and we're only just now approaching female concussion."

In Australia, the Sports Brain Bank works on diseases such as chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE) and other brain disorders associated with previous concussions or head impacts.

Dr Cohen says there are several Australian sports women who've pledged to donate their brain to the Sports Brain Bank.

"But in general terms, these women won't have been playing the games for as long, and at as high a level," he says.

He says concussion and its long-term consequences "are a numbers game".

"The more impacts to the head you have, the more likely you are to suffer short, medium and long-term consequences. Therefore, the more likely it is to show up as CTE. But we're going to be seeing it in women unfortunately, in the not too distant future."

Invisible injuries

Concussion rules are changing in Australian football codes — the rules that mandated Randall miss the AFLW grand final were brought in earlier this year.

Dr Mobbs welcomes these new rules, but hopes the conversation in elite sport will extend to how concussion is managed at training and in community sport.

In 2019, the Australian Institute of Sport released an updated set of concussion guidelines to improve player safety and address rising concerns in the community around the links between concussion and CTE, which has been linked to dementia and behavioural problems.

Dr Mobbs wants measures like restricting heading the ball in soccer training to be considered.

"We must look after people's brains," she says.

"We can preserve what we love about the sports, they can still be played hard, but it just means that we've got to all get together and think of ways we can preserve brain health for these players."

Sarah McCarthy wishes she'd been stopped from returning to play in the 2016 grand final, and regrets not taking time to immediately rest after the injuries.

She has advice for other people who experience concussion.

"First and foremost, stop everything - stop," she says.

"If you can, stay in a dark room, don't do anything that's too mentally taxing. Don't exercise.

"If I had taken that four to six weeks to rest [and] not have too much mental and emotional stimulation, I think my recovery would have been a lot quicker."

[punkscowardschampions]

School Project | Janis & Jimmy

Asia: I literally can't find any songs from 1916 wtf 😟😞 what are we going to do??! Daniel: Did they even have radio then? Asia: idk let me google it 🤔 Daniel: pretty sure they didn't, some kind of teacher joke, like Asia: omg it's really old though look! Asia: [sends him a link about when radio was invented] Janis: yeah the songs don't have to be from the time Asia: ?? that sounds so fake are you sure? Janis: 'Create a soundtrack for a movie version of the 1916 Easter Rising. Use songs from any era and genre but they must describe the mood and/or details of the event. Explain why you feel that each song matches the event.' Jimmy: 👍 Asia: oh 👌 Janis: feel free to go 'round the pubs and ask if any of the old fellas remember decent rebel songs from the time Asia: OR there's literally been like TV about it we can just 👀 what they used Asia: like get Liam Neeson chatting away and put a 🎵 over it 🙄 Janis: I doubt RTE could afford decent royalties Janis: not at all offensive to put it to elevator music, like Daniel: yeah, me mam watched that, it was crap Jimmy: Let's face it, weren't gonna be a patch on Taken 3 Daniel: [sends the 'I will find you-' gif] Daniel: Classic Asia: [sends the Taken 3 soundtrack whatever that is] Jimmy: properly sets the scene that Janis: Wow, it's like they stole the plot verbatim Janis: Wonder if you're the first person to 👀 that, Asia Asia: I like haven't even seen the movie though Asia: I'll take your word for it, babes Asia: cos of course YOU have Janis: 🤯 your mind, babes Janis: ask Dan here, it's a classic Daniel: Truuuuu Asia: 💙 Liam but like I'm so adhd I can't even Jimmy: and here I thought we had something special, girl 💔 Asia: ??! Jimmy: don't trouble your beautiful 🧠 Daniel: 😏 we'll leave, yeah? Janis: Reckon they've got it covered Asia: OMG! 🤫🤫🤫 I've got a boyfriend, new boy, can you NOT Jimmy: 💔 obvs Jimmy: he is that you 👀 more of me than you do of him, but alright Janis: long as you channel that 💔 into your song choices, we'll all survive Janis: just Jimmy: 👍 Daniel: 🥧 Asia: 🙄🙄 Asia: wall to wall Taylor 💔😢🎵 any era of hers tbh Janis: yeah, London Boy would be well fitting Janis: what Taylor song is your favourite, Dan? Daniel: errm, I dunno Daniel: don't really rate her Asia: 😱😱😱😱 Janis: 😱😱😱😱😱 Janis: this is the level of dramatic we're aspiring to, lads Jimmy: if any lass would marry someone right before they get 💀💀💀 Janis: new take on the break-up song Jimmy: bad blood was obvs written with all this bollocks firmly in mind Jimmy: Katy Perry who Janis: she has a boyfriend, mate Janis: you've been told Asia: !!! Janis: v you belong with me, am I right Asia: don't encourage him ugh Jimmy: 💧🎸 Janis: 😏 Janis: babes, he's incorrigible Asia: is that a 1916 word? wow Janis: I'm method Jimmy: 💔 for you we ain't gotta do a 🎭 Janis: my lack of exposure is a tragedy for another day Daniel: what do we actually have to do though? Daniel: still don't get it Jimmy: 'Create a soundtrack for a movie version of the 1916 Easter Rising. Use songs from any era and genre but they must describe the mood and/or details of the event. Explain why you feel that each song matches the event.' Daniel: yeah thanks mate Daniel: Janis, you seem to get it, you come explain it to me so I can catch up with these 2 Asia: she's NEVER had a boyfriend, Dan 😉 Daniel: What's that got to do with anything, like Asia: 🤭🤭 okay boy we all 👀 you Daniel: Shut up, Asia Asia: RUDE Daniel: I'm just trying to get this done, but you've just made me more confused Asia: aw babes Asia: just pick some songs from your gym playlist Janis: I'll do it, send you copies, don't worry Jimmy: you're alright, I need to pass this Janis: Yeah, so do I Janis: and I don't need this Jimmy: I'll do it Jimmy: the rest of you piss off Janis: What do you even know about it Jimmy: You're a expert, are you? Janis: I've been here longer than 5 minutes Jimmy: dumb and dumber have an' all, they don't have a clue Asia: UM excuse you! be more bitter that I won't go out with you, new boy! Janis: Christ Janis: we can't have multiple versions or we'll fail for not working together Asia: duh so let's work together Janis: OR let the one person who actually gets it do it and you get to crayon your name on at the end, alright Jimmy: Now that's agreed, I'll crack on Janis: Yeah, 64 is a LOT of colours to pick from Janis: have fun Jimmy: so funny, you Jimmy: get a smaller pack, rich girl Jimmy: not everything needs to be a flex Janis: 12? Janis: Gutted for you Asia: Size matters though, babes Jimmy: that's why your boyfriend keeps chatting about your bra size, I get it now Jimmy: Tah babes Asia: what? Jimmy: you heard Janis: as you're all busy here Janis: I'm off to do this project Daniel: I'm not Daniel: you going library, I'll help Jimmy: you heard 'an all, girl Jimmy: you ain't doing nowt Janis: Not to repeat Asia, but you what Janis: And why not, Dan Janis: majority rules Asia: this is SO not cool I have 🔥💡 Janis: And I'm sure Jimmy wants to hear 'em all Janis: see who's playlist ends up better Asia: UGH Janis: no doubt you wanna be on my team so bad Asia: you're being so anti-feminist rn Janis: I don't wanna be on that team either, you're alright Asia: !!! JANIS Asia: you like have to Janis: you can report me to Gloria and co Asia: I'll report you to sir Janis: 😱😱😱😱 Asia: mhmmm that'll be your face when you fail Janis: you've got the most experience there Janis: and I've got valid reason not to work with you Asia: no you don't Asia: pms isn't a valid reason Janis: don't let the feminists hear you Asia: 😑 Janis: yeah, that's what I thought Janis: never mind the lads don't wanna work with you either, you ain't said shit to them, have you Janis: 👌 fake solidarity Asia: I don't need to pass anything this badly EVER 👋 Janis: Toodles Jimmy: Can we focus now you've had your domestic or what? Janis: 💔 sorry I finished what you started, loverboy Jimmy: wrong 🌳 weren't it? Janis: Oh, you like the tall one? Janis: Cool, let's focus Jimmy: 👍 Daniel: 🌁🦍 Jimmy: stop flirting with me, lad Jimmy: I get that I'm 💪 but we said we were gonna focus Daniel: Didn't know your taste in hench lasses went that far, but I'm good thanks 😬 Janis: this chat has been nothing but rejection, sad face Jimmy: I'm method an' all Jimmy: Getting the british to fuck off out of it was top, Dan if you need a hand with the whys and wherefores Janis: Imagine that Jimmy: Yeah, gutted you're just a rebel with no cause, sweetheart Janis: Truly, how much tragedy can I withstand Janis: tah for your concern Jimmy: don't keep us in suspense, Dan's got a proper head for figures Janis: so's Asia's lad, let's add him to the chat then Jimmy: Alright Jimmy: go on Janis: Dan, you keep up with what this one is called? Daniel: 🤷😂 Jimmy: throw a 📌 at the map Daniel: Dylann went out with her before but he dumped her 'cos she's psycho Daniel: pity the poor cunt Jimmy: 🎻🎻🎻 Janis: RIP our unknown and fallen brother Janis: we should do 16 songs, for the 16 executions Jimmy: And split it into days Jimmy: somehow Janis: That works Janis: Dan, you do the maths Jimmy: could be first two, middle two and last two, sir is obvs all about the vibe Janis: 👍 Janis: just avoid actual songs about it, 'cos all anyone is going to do is a google and throw them on, like Sir ain't heard the national anthem Jimmy: duh Janis: alright, Asia Janis: nice of you to join us, again Jimmy: 😘 Janis: 🤮 Jimmy: protesting a bit hard there, mate Jimmy: we get it, you're method Janis: you might but Dan asked for help Janis: just that nice Jimmy: 👌 Daniel: Now you've stopped talking about old popstars, I get it Janis: See? He gets it Janis: maybe throw in a couple Yankee rebel songs, some fucking Les Mis, yeah, show we do without being #basic Jimmy: A+ Janis: I told you Jimmy: I weren't listening Jimmy: soz Janis: saved yourself some 'work' if you had Janis: your loss, not mine Jimmy: I'll live Janis: 💔 it's not a play again Janis: it'd be great craic to kill you for extra credit Jimmy: have a word with sir, I reckon he'd be about it Janis: I will Janis: all teachers are sadists Jimmy: nowt I can't handle Janis: 🦍💘 Janis: we remember Jimmy: Dan ain't been able to stop thinking about it Janis: 🤤 or 🤮 Dan, what's the truth Daniel: Piss off, I've told new boy I don't fancy lads, or lasses that look like 'em Janis: He can't take a hint, babes Jimmy: I can barely read any of this, there's the truth for you Janis: Heard it does that Jimmy: you catholics Janis: You don't know we're Catholic Janis: RUDE! Jimmy: if it were me all along #plottwist Janis: save it for the play, kid Jimmy: 🤞 Jimmy: love that spotlight, me Janis: that's not a #plottwist Jimmy: if everything I said were, you wouldn't be shocked, girl Janis: know your audience, I guess Janis: know it's Sir, not me, like Jimmy: nah, he's got the rotten 🍅 already out Jimmy: it's the accent Janis: he's method as well Jimmy: lot of that going about Janis: yeah, everyone is well 🤮 over your accent Janis: 🙄 Jimmy: everyone's well 🎭 is what I meant Jimmy: but tah for that head's up Janis: you're telling me Jimmy: I just did do, yeah Janis: 👏 Jimmy: save that for opening night Janis: Not that nice Janis: maybe if you were as helpful as Dan here Jimmy: I get it, you've got your hands full giving him one Janis: 💔 show must go on Jimmy: 👍 Daniel: 'least we can get Asia to present to the class now Jimmy: 🥇 she'll do an' all Jimmy: *job Daniel: 😍😍 Jimmy: she's got a BOYFRIEND, Dan Jimmy: sort yourself out Daniel: 😒 Daniel: tell your face Jimmy: no need, you've done it for me Jimmy: Tah, my dear Daniel: you're so weird, new kid Jimmy: 💕 Daniel: I'll message you with any songs I find, okay Janis? Janis: 👍 Jimmy: [sends her some songs he's already thought of 'cause we know he's that bitch about music] Janis: [a long enough time to actually listen so you probably think she's not replying] Janis: Yeah, those are alright Janis: [sends own list of a few songs] Jimmy: [again actually listening to them] Jimmy: nowt wrong with them either Janis: so that's 7 down, 9 to go Janis: easy Jimmy: [sends one that he's not sure of so maybe she could find a cover version that sounds better or something cos teamwork baby] Jimmy: ? it's a bit Janis: know what you mean Janis: this [cover] is less ? Jimmy: yeah Jimmy: That's alright Janis: we could do some kaiser chiefs or Franz Ferdinand for the WWI refs Jimmy: [songs by them that would work which I'm not googling] Jimmy: We need more lasses on here though Janis: 🥇 feminist, you Jimmy: piss off Janis: alright, I won't put in a good word for you with Asia, calm down Janis: [some punk ladies] Jimmy: she's got a tongue in her head and she never stops using it so you're alright Janis: So I hear Jimmy: and me Janis: Gutted, serious Jimmy: 💔🎻 Jimmy: [some different lady bops he likes better than whatever she suggested, bit rude] Janis: Those works too Jimmy: they work better Janis: How Janis: explain your whys and wherefores, tah Jimmy: lyrically Jimmy: in tone Jimmy: and with what else has made the list Janis: Way to be as vague as that prompt, boy Janis: you can have [this] and [that] but I want [this] from my list Jimmy: [a more specific rant about exactly why then because he's that bitch] Jimmy: you can have [song] and [song] from yours Jimmy: we should take out [song from earlier] Janis: Fine Janis: actually write some of that down though, you know Janis: not in this groupchat but where you can get your ⭐ Jimmy: ✔ Jimmy: [quick sketch he's done for like cover art number 1] or [2] ? Janis: I prefer the 2nd one Janis: looks more like an album cover to me Janis: though I like [an element of] in the first one so do that too Jimmy: [enough time to have passed that he can do a finished rough sketch of that] Jimmy: I'll chuck you the finished one to colour in, in a bit Jimmy: as you've got more crayons Janis: BCE Janis: don't reckon you'll want your masterpiece ruined Jimmy: if you don't wanna put the work in, I'll do it Janis: I'm just saying, I'm no artist Janis: I'll fake up an ad for a benefit concert, happy? Jimmy: Alright, calm down Janis: 🙄 Janis: whatever, take the compliment Jimmy: Why? Janis: 'cos why not? Jimmy: 1. you ain't my art teacher Jimmy: 2. who the fuck are you? Jimmy: 3. I don't want it Janis: 1. I didn't call you the next Lichtenstein, I just didn't say it was shit Janis: 2. literally irrelevant to working on this project and I'm not trying to tell you or ask who the fuck you are Janis: 3. Ignore it like a normal person then Jimmy: 🙄 Janis: Jesus, confirm stereotypes much Jimmy: Confirming or denying owt is irrelevant to this project an' all Janis: tell your face Jimmy: your boyfriend already tried that line Jimmy: didn't do nowt for him either Janis: That's it, that's the joke Jimmy: Nah, joke's that you paddys reckon you've got decent craic Janis: some of us prefer subverting stereotypes Jimmy: 👏🏆 Janis: [the poster ting and some more songs] Janis: that make 16 yet? Jimmy: [sends a few more himself] Jimmy: that does Janis: Hallelujah Janis: x4 that shit and give her a pronunciation guide Jimmy: 👍

[considergoldenkamuy]

emergency request, i know you're not at your best either but could you do something like that drabble you did for raoh for ken or rei instead? i don't really care which or what's in it, but i've just been really upset lately because i feel like i'm disappointing everyone and i can't do anything right.

don’t worry about it, i completely understand. tbh i’m upset rn for the same reason. i’ll do what i can, i’ll do something for both.

SEXUAL CONTENT AND SOMEWHAT DARK THEMES - READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION

You had always been at Kenshiro’s side, every since the day your master brought you to Ryuken’s abode to meet his four sons. You would become the vassal of the chosen successor - it was what your martial art, Ryuuza Goken, demanded, as one of the only remaining practitioners, and the youngest of them all. The first day you had arrived, though you were introduced to all of them, only two out of the brothers greeted you with genuine warmth and curiosity.

Kenshiro and Toki.

In that moment, you knew one of these two would be the successor of Hokuto Shinken - something had seemed to just whisper in your ear. But it was Kenshiro’s first meeting with that Nanto user - Yuria - that solidified your belief. Kenshiro was the one who would be the official sixty-fourth successor of Hokuto Shinken. You had no doubt in your mind, and though you remained outwardly neutral towards who you supported, you knew Ryuken and Toki had noticed.

Toki had not been offended or insulted at all, in fact he looked pleased with your choice as the years passed. However there was something he’d said to you when he caught you staring at him with a distant air.

He is fated to be with Yuria. I know it is painful, but we mustn’t interfere.

Kenshiro always seemed like he was just out of reach, the days you spent beside him becoming more and more unbearable as he voiced his love for Yuria to you, too shy at first to confess. You were the one who encouraged him when she was alone, as much as your chest stung.

Yuria noticed, of course. But she wasn’t a bitter, petty or possessive person. Not in the way that would make her unpleasant, anyways. She tried to curb any displays of affection between her and Kenshiro when you were there, having seen that pained glint in your eyes. Despite it all, you faithfully remained by Kenshiro’s side, congratulating him both when he was chosen as the successor of Hokuto Shinken and when he announced he and Yuria were going to get married.

Something strange happened, though. She had pulled you aside to speak with your privately, gazing at you in a way you had never seen before. What Yuria had said to you that day were the words you least expected to hear.

If anything were to happen to me…please, take care of Ken. If he begins to love you, I don’t care - though, I’d be happy for you. I just want you to promise me that no matter what, you’ll do your best for him.

You had smiled in return.

Miss Yuria…that is exactly what I was born to do.

Just two days later, Shin stole her away, leaving you and Kenshiro both in a state of near-death, your eyes temporarily blinded from a slash wound. But you still dragged Kenshiro to a nearby town, bleeding cuts that ran straight through you littering your arms, legs, and chest. It was a wonder you hadn’t died.

When Kenshiro woke up, the last thing he was expecting to see was you sitting beside him, wounds covering your body, skin stained a vibrant red, eyes shut with heavy bags under them, your frame deathly thin. You’d been worried nearly to death over him, completely disregarding your own wellbeing in favor of taking care of him with whatever the townspeople were willing to provide. You had ignored your own injuries in favor of treating his.

He called you an idiot for that, but you just laughed.

Ken, my entire existence is dedicated to ensuring you can survive and keep going. If I die from something like this, I won’t have been betraying anyone.

He was more careful with how badly he was hurt from that point on.

Those words Yuria had told you echoed in your mind, but you shut them out. Even with her not there, you made no advances. You gave Kenshiro no indication that you loved him, not intentionally at least. You’d caught him staring at you with an odd look in his eyes, and you pushed away the hopeful thought that maybe he’d begun to love you. Yuria was still alive, probably. You couldn’t let something like this happen.

But even after receiving the news from Shin that Yuria had killed herself, you did nothing. You found yourself trying to encourage him more those nights he spent sleeplessly, taking care of Bat and Lin whenever he went to go fight. You could feel pure happiness while with the two children, humoring them, telling them stories. You couldn’t feel this same feeling around Kenshiro, not with how tense things had become between the two of you, not after that night that he’d spent silently mourning all of those who had died on his journey thus far. Not after that night that you’d nearly kissed, him withdrawing, telling you he really shouldn’t.

He knew you loved him now, he knew you’d loved him for so many years. You caught him staring even more, these saddened and pondering eyes peering at you.

They became even more somber when Rei came into the picture, nearly sweeping you off your feet with how he could make you laugh, how he could make you smile, with how much he seemed to love making you happy. The way you laughed, the way you smiled - Kenshiro knew you used to be like that with him, before he’d begun to awkwardly avoid you, unsure of how to deal with his current emotions.

He had blocked you off without realizing how much it had hurt you. And now he got to sit here and go through that same pain you have been suffering from for decades, watching you slowly become closer and closer with Rei. Another one of those nights you and Kenshiro ended up staying awake together, he gave you his answer to that silent question that had been hovering in the air for so long.

I do love you.

He was the one who kissed first that time, touch tender as he held you close. Your had pushed him away gently, suddenly unable to contain the tears that began to stream down.

You idiot, you’re always too late.

Kenshiro’s brown eyes were calm yet dejected as he gazed at you, your focus elsewhere, refusing to meet stares. Despite it all, though, you didn’t refuse that second kiss, nor the third, nor the fourth. Your chest ached even as gasps and sighs left your lips, but it wasn’t Kenshiro’s name you breathed out, nearly inaudible. His movements had stuttered, another wave of sorrow washing over him before he thrust again, faster and harsher than before. Your back arched and your nails dug into his strong arms as you let out a silent cry.

I can never make up for what I’ve done, can I…?

You didn’t answer him with anything other than a bittersweet smile, pulling him in for a kiss. It was full of so much unspoken sadness and pain, so much tender hurt, so many emotions. There was love, but it was somber and plaintive. A desolate love, trying to deny itself, as if its very existence was a damning thing in and of itself.

I will love you if it will make you happy, Ken. That’s all there is to it.

He grunted once, body twitching as a familiar sensation coursed throughout his body. A groan of your name left him as he pressed his forehead into the crook of your neck. And finally, you softly whispered “Kenshiro,” your own body convulsing. A moment passed before he pulled away and lay down on the bed, right next to you.

But will you be happy with this?

You chuckled sadly.

No, I won’t.

Kenshiro was silent before closing his eyes, resigning himself to the darkness.

Go to Rei. He’s waiting for you, without a doubt. He’s the only one who can make you happy.

…alright. You stood, a little shaky. You went to the door, completely naked, avoiding his gaze that you knew was following you. Good night, Kenshiro.

He didn’t realize there was so much disappointment and hurt on your face until you spared him a single glance, shutting the door behind yourself before he could sit up and take back his words. He had been too blunt and harsh - he’d forgotten how sensitive you were towards this.

You ignored him as you heard him call your name, continuing down the hallway, feeling vulnerable and taken advantage of. Even if that moment you’d just had him wasn’t entirely out of mutual affections, you thought that maybe he would want you to be with him a bit longer. He didn’t want you as a person, that’s all there was to it, it seemed. You went back to the room Rei had asked to share with you, feeling those tears pouring from your eyes as you wordlessly shut the door behind you. Not able to bring yourself to pull on your clothes, you leaned on the wood behind you, sobbing quietly as you slid down onto the floor, hugging your own form.

You were supposed to make Kenshiro happy, that was the whole reason you were alive. Your existence was dedicated toward him and his bidding, you couldn’t deny him. It was against the law that had been ingrained in your mind since you were first able to hold a weapon in your hands.

You tried to calm yourself, reminding yourself that you had to sleep. That would help, wouldn’t it? Sleep solved all your problems. You stumbled into bed, barely able to even consider pulling on your clothes again to sleep.

You ditched your cloths on the floor, bare form beneath the covers as you rested your body on its back. Your shoulders tensed, though, when you saw a pair of wine red eyes peering at you, unreadable.

“…Rei, I didn’t wake you up, did I?” your voice was soft and weak, shaky. You sounded so defeated in that moment. “Go back to sleep, we have to go a long way tomorrow.”

“What happened?” His question was blunt and stern, but the gentle concern laced into his voice made it seem softer.

“…nothing,” you said quietly, about to roll over so your back was facing him, but he reached out and snagged your shoulder, pulling you he could fully see your naked upper body. Rei’s gaze trailed to the marks over your neck and chest, the swollen quality of your lips. Dread and guilt swam in your eyes, unable to look away when he stared right into them.

“Kenshiro did this?” His guess wasn’t really a guess - Kenshiro was the only other one in the group who was capable of something like this, and Toki wasn’t interested in you at all. Rei’s eyes darkened when you nodded hesitantly, lips quivering again as you covered your chest with your arms, seemingly ashamed.

“Don’t worry about it, Rei,” you tried to be reassuring, but the look on his face told you he wasn’t buying any of it. “I’m just overthinking it.”

“I thought you loved him. Did he force you?” Rei seemed like he was interrogating you, but you already felt too miserable to be physically capable of giving up even more.

“No, Rei. I don’t love him anymore. I let him do this to me. I’m the successor of Ryuuza Goken, I…the whole reason I live is to do whatever he wants me to do.”

Rei stared at you for a moment before he pulled you in, offering a comforting embrace - one you returned with little hesitation, sobs beginning to wrack your body. He let you cry into his chest, holding you close and murmuring consolations and kind words. A few moments passed before you pulled away a bit, trembling as you traced your fingers along his jawline. His expression softened, a slight smile gracing him.

“Rei…” Your murmur was soft, but that was all he needed to get the consent he’d been waiting to hear for so long. His lips molded with yours, but not in that needy and desiring way that Kenshiro’s had. He was tender and gentle, careful and patient.

Neither of you realized Kenshiro was standing just beyond the door, having been reaching for the doorknob until he heard your talk with Rei. His expression darkened, hand falling back to his side. He knew where he stood in your eyes. He couldn’t change that now, not after what he’d done that night. Kenshiro forced himself to turn around and walk away when he heard you call Rei’s name the same way he heard you call just moments before.

He didn’t deserve to feel something like jealousy over someone who clearly didn’t need any more mental torment than they had already suffered from. He wasn’t worthy of something like jealousy.

He didn’t get any rest that night, the faint sounds of intercourse reaching him enough to keep him awake as if a ghost had begun to haunt him, poking him every time he was about to close his eyes. Briefly, Kenshiro wondered if this what Rei felt when the Hokuto user had been sleeping with you with a one-sided passion not too long in the past.

When Kenshiro saw how much happier you were the next morning, greeting Rei first rather than himself, he decided that yes, Rei had also felt miserable. Not anymore, though. Their positions had been swapped.

His heart clenched when he saw you hold Rei’s hand in that way you used to hold Kenshiro’s when you were both still young.

That day, you pushed Rei to the side. You announced to Raoh, your childhood friend, that you had seen the Death Omen Star. You begged him to kill you instead of Rei. Raoh had been shocked, but out of the respect he had held toward you for years, he complied to your wish, even as Rei begged you not to do this. He could only watch helplessly from his position on the ground, not fast enough to push you out of the way of Raoh’s attack.

A gaping whole appeared in your gut and you spat out blood, falling to your knees just as Kenshiro arrived, hearing your lover scream your name. Kenshiro froze at the sight of your body laying limply in the Rei’s arms as he shed tears uncontrollably, calling you an idiot, that you shouldn’t have done that for him.

Kenshiro rushed over, and your weak smile reached your dying eyes, the last of your strength spent on holding each of their hands. “I’m sorry…I couldn’t…live for longer…”

“Don’t talk, we have to - !”

“Don’t bother,” Raoh interrupted the Nanto user. “They requested I kill them instead of you. I fulfilled that request - they won’t live much longer. Be grateful you had someone like them by your side.”

“I can’t see you…” Your hoarse voice brought both Rei and Kenshiro’s attention back to you. “I can’t…see anything…but don’t cry, Rei. I chose to die.”

“You’re still a fool,” he choked out, Lin and Bat weeping as well, seeing their parent figure dying before their very eyes. “I should have been the one to die…!”

“Kenshiro…you’re there too, right?” You didn’t turn to look at him. “Sorry. I’m supposed to protect you, and yet here I am, betraying my own Fist.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” Kenshiro managed, pursing his lips. “You died protecting what you truly love. That’s all that matters in the end.”

You were silent for a moment before chuckling, leaning your head into Rei’s chest, feeling your own warmth fading. “You’re still an idiot.”

Kenshiro did well to hide his heavy flinch.

“Bat, Lin, Airi, whoever else is there…it’s been fun. Thanks.

“Raoh, I’m sorry that this is how it ends. We haven’t seen each other for years and the first thing I ask for his death. Thank you for killing me anyways, I hope you’ll fulfill your promise and spare Rei.”

The man on the horse remained silent, but bowed his head a little, offering a silent prayer.

“And speaking of…thanks, Rei. For everything. I didn’t think anything could bring me back from that. But you pulled it off.” Your smile widened into one of closure. “Sorry about this. You’ve still got Mamiya, though. So you won’t be alone.”

“Damnit - “ Rei could only say your name in a hushed and cracking voice, as your body relaxed completely. Kenshiro couldn’t bring himself to look away.

“Bye, everyone. Bye, Ken. Bye, Rei.”

His breath caught in his throat when that sparkle in your eye disappeared, muscles completely loose.

Lips quivering, Rei gently shut your eyes, standing slowly, your cold body in his arms. Raoh just watched as Rei gave him one last look, not of anger, not of sadness - one of resolution - before the man walked off, holding you a bit closer as he tried to think of how he would find a good place to bury you.

Then again, even the holiest grounds in Heaven wouldn’t be good enough for your corpse to be laid.

[cutepieceofpoop]

Get to know me tag

Tagged by @not-inthatway (thanks for reminding me that I have a tumblr, also no I'm not dead)

Rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better

1. Gender: Female.

2. Star sign: Capricorn.

3. Height: 1.53 cm and very bitter about it

4. Time: 7:38 pm

5. Favourite bands: BTS aaand I can't think of any other ones rn

6. Favourite solo artist: Probably Jaymes Young

7. Song stuck in my head: Hollywood by Marina And The Diamons

8. Last movie I watched: Edge of Seventeen (for the 7th time...)

9. Last TV show I watched: Lucifer

10. When did I create this blog: Towards the end of 2017, either fall or winter I can't remember

11. What do I post: I don't usually make posts on Tumblr, but when I do, they're shitposts (and maybe some fandom stuff and fan art)

12. Last thing I googled: The lyrics to Guns And Ships. I will learn them and rap the song flawlessly, JUST YOU WAIT

13. Do I have other blogs: Nope.

14. Do I get asks: Nope x 2.

15. Why did I choose my url: "Well I'm a piece of poop but at least I'm a cute one" - thought from the shower

16. Following: 41

17. Followers: 46

18. Favourite colours: Black, red and white and I blame the The Night Circus cover for that (and Persona 5)

19. Average hours of sleep: About 4 usually. 6 if I'm lucky, but I've also had days when I slept for 13 hours.

20. Lucky numbers: I don't think I have any??

21. Instruments: I can play the piano I guess, and I used to take guitar lessons but I stopped

22. What am I wearing: MY BRAND NEW CAMP HALF BLOOD T-SHIRT HEYYAA

23. How many blankets I sleep with: One, and I always hug it for some reason.

24. Dream job: Therapist (really it's writer but I suck and I also really want to help people soooo)

25. Dream trip: Rome, Tokyo, London

26. Favourite food: Any type of sour candy. I love that shit

27. Nationality: Romanian

28. Favourite song right now: Restless by Cold War Kids.

I have no idea if anyone I know hasn't done this yet, so I'm tagging everyone who feels like doing this ^.^