#I can’t even tell them apart there’s three Kai’s now.

[teabiscs]

Mayblade 2024: Day 21 - Disguise

I made a post so many moons ago about this, but here it is as art. Borg shenanigans (making fun of Kai) low effort art because I did not want to line and render four people. But tis a shit post.

[sweetestcaptainhughes]

Moments in Time - Luke Hughes Edition

Word Count - 3000

Summary - The eight times Luke Hughes showed his love through the ring camera that he didn’t even want in the first place.

Warnings - none pure fluff I know a true shocker if you aren't new here

Author's Note - Hello everyone as always thank you for reading. This is apart of a "Moments in Time" series that I wrote eight moments each of the Hughes brothers. The fics are individual stand alone pieces, they can be read in any order, or you could only read the one brother you want.

Quinn Hughes Edition. Jack Hughes Edition.

I have to give credit to my girl Kay @icebound-imagination for not only helping come up with the original idea! But literally stayed up late one night to help me detail plan all three Hughes brothers fics because I didn't want any repeated ideas.

Main Masterlist

Luke couldn't care less about wanting a ring camera. Both of his brothers had them and he really didn’t care. Now since he moved out of Jack’s apartment and into yours it’s a different story. He no longer has a nice fancy lobby with a mailroom. When a package comes it comes to his doorstep. This year Luke has been stepping up his fashion game (his words not yours) and buying some new items for his closet. Now to Luke, a $300 shirt might not seem like a lot but to a normal human being it was. 

Luke wasn’t concerned about packages being taken form your doorstep until you told him about your neighbor. When you first moved into your apartment a few years ago, your neighbor warned you about how some of his packages had been stolen and to be care. Literally nothing has happened in the three years you’ve had your apartment but you still did mention it to Luke. Once Luke heard about how packages were taken (even though none of them were yours) he was texting his brothers asking for a link to the one they had. Now you, on the other hand, wanted a ring camera because Quinn and Jack’s girlfriends were telling you how much fun it is to mess with the boys on the ring camera. So you decided you kind of wanted to join the fun and get one.The ring camera was totally worth it to both of you within six months with just all the ‘little mundane moments’ it caught on camera. 

Don’t forget the brownie bark!

Luke knew you were leaving to go to the store and instead of sending you a simple text, his lazy ass decided to yell at you through the ring. It scared the shit out of all of a sudden you heard Luke’s voice but knew he was on his way to the gym. 

“BABY! DON’T forget my brownie bark at the store! Please!” 

Once you registered that it was in fact Luke’s voice and it was coming from the ring camera you turned your body towards the camera. 

“What do you mean?? You still have all of that moose tracks dairy free ice cream I brought you because “I can’t do dairy during the season’ plus all those pretzels and everything else???” A small sigh leaving your lips before Luke can even reply because you already know what he’s going to say.

“Yeah but I’m not in the mood for those things anymore… maybe next week but this week I want the brownie bark you get from Costco.” he softly whined as he contonied to beg for his snack.

“Fine! But listen Hughes you have to finish this snack before I buy anything else because your literally taking up some much cabinet space and we have a small kitchen.”

“Deal.” he immediately and excitingly says before he rushes a goodbye and leaves the ring app. A soft sigh leaves your mouth as you head down the hallway to the elevator to go to the store

2.I hate you right now

Okay you didn’t really hate Luke you were just upset that he happened to have ordered a new gaming chair which came in the most awkward huge sized box. He told you he ordered it three weeks ago and it should be here before he has to go on his seven day west coast roadie. Of course it wasn’t, you dropped him off an hour ago and decided to get some errands done before returning home. Of course, it was just your luck that when you got home there would be a gigantic probably 100 lb perfectly cubed box that was definitely Luke’s new gaming chair. Deciding to go inside and set your things down and send Luke a text before dealing with the box.

Lukeyboo:

Guess what was here when i got home 🙄🙄

My love:

Is it my chair?? 👀

Lukeyboo:

Yes 

And its a fucking huge box by the way I don’t know how I’m gonna lift it. 

Gonna go try to attempt now

By the time you made it back to the hallway of your apartment building Luke greeted you on the ring camera. “Hi baby, I’m here for emotional support.” he says teasingly and even though you can’t see him you know he has a huge smile on his face. Making it a point to make an annoyed face at the camera, making sure he knows how the universe seemed to time this perfectly for you. Looking down you decide that it’s probably easiest to shuffle the box inside your apartment. Trying to move the box an inch but it doesn’t budge. 

“Baby try using your legs not your arms.” Luke comments

“Oh wow. Why didn’t I think of that?” you say in a duh tone.

“Sorry I’ll stop mansplaining.” Immediately apologizing for trying to tell you how to move the box. Finally your able to move it a little and Luke cheers as a result. But then of course you continue to struggle for the next ten minutes. 

“You know I really hate you right now.” you say loud enough for the ring to pick it up. 

“I love and appreciate you too.” he responds without a second thought knowing you're just annoyed because of how oddly shaped the box is and Luke would have already had it in spare bedroom by now. “If it makes you feel better I think your hot when you're flustered” he admits.

“Hmmm” is the only response your willing to give him. Finally after what feels like forever but is probably only 3 minutes you get it in the door. Luke cheers through the camera. “Oh and I hope you know it’s staying right but the front door for you when you get home.” 

Luke lets out a chuckle as he admits “I wouldn’t expect anything else. Love you, miss you already baby.”

“Ugh I love you too, text me when you land.”

“Always” and he stays on the app until he hears you close the apartment door. 

3. Why are you acting like this as adults?

One thing that you loved about Luke was how truly close he was with his brothers. It really did make you happy that he was able to live his dream of playing on the same team as his older brother Jack. But being brothers even if both were in their early twenties they still acted like brothers. They were both stubborn as could be and competitive with each other. At times it can be cute, but even Nico told on one roadie they had to ban the brothers from playing soccer before their game because their fighting became too much.  

So it was no shocker when you were in the kitchen in the middle of cooking dinner in your apartment, and heard both the boys yelling as they were coming down the hallway. It’s one thing to hear Jack because he is naturally a louder person, but when you heard Luke also raising his voice and some thudding of the walls you decided to check the ring camera. Honestly, you weren’t sure to be surprised by their behavior of straight up wrestling in your tiny little narrow hallway apartment or a little disappointed in yourself that you were surprised by their behavior. 

Since the hallway was so narrow, you really didn't want one of them to accidentally get injured, even if it was minor due to them being idiots. Especially since it wouldn’t be hard to knock your head on the wall and accidentally get a concussion and then they would be out for at least a game. So you decided to yell at them through the camera to make them stop. “Boys I know that isn’t the Hughes brothers being idiots wrestling like some children?!” 

Immediately the noises stop and you smile to yourself. Knowing your boyfriend you knew that he was probably embarrassed but your suspensions were confirmed when you heard him say “sorry baby” before Jack muttered out his own apologies. 

But then within a few seconds you heard another thud and you sighed as you clicked the speak button on your phone. “That better not be you all again, now knock it off or I swear I will treat you like my nephews and take video games away for the night.” Honestly, you didn’t count it but you're pretty sure within a minute the boys were inside, and in the kitchen kissing up to you knowing damn well you would take the video games away.

4. Take Out

Luke was on one of those rare long roadies that was closer to a week and two time zones away rather than a quick 72 hours down the east coast. All roadies were hard, but somehow the ones that were in different time zones and longer than an extended weekend felt more real. It was almost like if he was gone for the 2 days it didn’t matter, but when it was hitting the fourth day of his roadie missing Luke turned into what felt like longing for him. Craving anything that would help you feel closer to Luke, on your way home that night you picked up pizza from his favorite place. Lately you’ve been leaving little messages occasionally for him when he’s away. Since missing him felt like it was slowly consuming you, you couldn’t help but leave one on your way inside your apartment. 

“Hi Lukey, we are at the halfway mark of this roadie. I miss you so much, I got the pizza from that place you like, just like you like it. With all the papers, and even olives, even though I hate olives, picking them off might make it seem like your home. Love you, good luck tonight against the Kings.”

When Luke watched that video he texted you that he also missed you and he loved you. That was the first time on a roadie in his entire life he ever wished he was home with you instead of where he was.

5. It was your turn Luke!

Finally getting home after a long day at work and walking into your apartment, sighing with content. After changing out of your work clothes into some sweats, you decide you should start dinner before you take a shower and get ready for Luke’s home game tonight. But as you walk into the kitchen you see in the corner the trash overflowing. Immediately you find yourself annoyed at Luke because he promised he would take it out before he left and it was not only overflowing but also started to smell. Deciding ultimately that you need to take the trash out before you make yourself a quick dinner. 

As you tie up the bag and carry it to the front door, throw on some of Luke’s crocs by the door since you're only going outside for two minutes to deal with the trash. Still very annoyed at Luke you can’t help but ring the doorbell so he gets a notification. 

“LUKE YOU PROMISED. Remember how you said you’d do it before you left but of course you forgot again.” Sighing again you say in a calmer but still very annoyed voice “it’s fine cause I’m doing now but it made the whole kitchen smell, Lukey. I might be late to the game cause I’m gonna burn a candle in the kitchen now” Finally walking away to deal with the trash, the clip ends because ‘movement in front of camera has ended.’

Luke sees the notification while he’s walking into the stadium and his arrival photos are ruined because he’s all red and blushy because you scolded him for forgetting about the trash again. Turns out, you do make it to the game but after puck drop. Luke sees you make your way to your normal seat, always claiming the game didn’t feel as real in the WAGs suite. He happened to skate past your seat to get ready for a power play, when you saw him. He mouths “I’m sorry” as he takes his hand to chest to sign in ASL as well, something that both of you started using while he’s playing. He signs a quick “I love you” before the whistle blows and he’s focused back on the game.

6. First Roadie far away

This wasn’t his first roadie by any means, Luke has been playing hockey his entire life. He has gone on countless roadies from his USA Hockey days to UMitch, hell even his rookie year. But this was the first roadie far away enough that you couldn’t travel to his game since you started living together. This gave the idea of roadies a whole new light. He suddenly wasn’t excited to travel to a new city, play his favorite game and explore a new city, not when you were home in Hoboken. He can’t help himself from turning around and saying goodbye in the camera. Watching it later you could tell that he was truly sad and not pretending as a joke. Sniffling with his suitcase behind him dressed in a nice suit. 

“I love you sweetie, I’ll call you when I land. I kinda don’t wanna go… DON’T tell anyone that!” He signs I love you with his right hand. He starts to walk away and you expect the camera to cut out, but then he comes running back. He gets super close to the camera, like you can really just see one eye, his nose and mouth. “BABY! Please don’t kill the plants! I know you think you’ve done really good this time keeping them alive this long. But the truth is I’ve been watering them for you because I didn’t wanna see you cry after killing another African Violet. Which also I googled and it’s almost impossible to do so your kind of the best at being the killer of plants. Okay gotta go before I’m late I love you.”

7. I’ll buy you a new cupcake 

Luke decided as a treat for himself that he would get himself just one cupcake from both of your favorite bakeries. There was only one left from the 6 pack you had in the fridge from last week.  It was his treat to himself for not having any other cheat meals this week, which is shocking because as you know that boy is ALWAYS eating! Luke also needed to go to the dry cleaners before they closed in 20 minutes. Deciding that he didn’t wanna wait until he got home he ate it on his way out the door. 

Of course Lukes luck, the movement in front of the ring was enough for a notification to be sent out. Immediately as Luke is still chewing the cupcake, your voice comes blaring from the speaker. 

“LUKE WARREN HUGHES! I KNOW you’re not eating the last cupcake. That you SAID WE’D SHARE WHEN I GOT HOME TONIGHT!” Okay so Luke forgot the other day you wanted to eat it and he begged you not to and that you would share it today, whoops. 

“I promise I will buy you some on my way home, I’m sorry baby” Just a mumble of acknowledgement was the only thing that left your mouth. 

One week later:

Turns out the same thing happened, Luke and you promised that if both of you didn’t have any cheat meals and stayed to your health routine. Both of you could share the last cupcake. Well this time it was you that ate the cupcake. Luke was very much a pouty mess about it when he walked into the kitchen and saw the container on top of the trash can. Hearing your full name in one breath out of Luke’s mouth, you winced realizing what happened. Except instead of angry Luke comes to you on the couch, face full of pout, and puppy eyes truly sad that he couldn’t have the treat he was looking forward to for days because you ate it with your lunch this afternoon. 

“I’m sorry Lukey” opening your opens and immediately he flops into them. 

“I really wanted it!” he pouted.

“I know. I am sorry I’ll buy you more tomorrow okay.” Luke only nodded his head yes as he dug himself deeper into your embrace as one hand started caressing his back, the other digging your fingers into his curls lightly scratching. 

8. Next time I’ll wait

It’s a Monday afternoon and you’ve been waiting all weekend for a new pair of shoes to be delivered. They were a pair of limited edition converse and you were excited to get them in before you traveled to Europe for the Stadium Series that opened your boyfriend’s NHL season. Naturally every little alert you get from the ring app your checking. Most of them have just been neighbors walking past to get to their own apartments. But it still doesn’t stop you form opening the notification you just got. 

Now what you weren’t expecting to see was but also wasn’t surprised to see. Is Luke running outside of the apartment with a pot that’s on fire because he accidentally set something on fire while cooking. The embarrassment is clear on his face when he comes back a minute later with no pot in sight, assuming he left it outside in the leftover snow from a few days ago. Thinking he got away with his cooking disaster until he makes direct eye contact with the ring camera and suddenly remembers its existence. 

He decides to just rip the bandaid off and looks directly into the camera as he says “we're out of eggs by the way.”

Deciding to just talk to Luke now you press the speak button and with a light chuckle you add “well and a new pan since I no longer see it. I hope it wasn’t the one that I love.” 

Luke suddenly looks like a deer in headlights, obviously he wasn’t expecting you to be watching him run out of the apartment with a pan on fire. “Uhhh I’ll buy you a whole new set, the ones you have saved on amazon, the colored ones!” 

“Okay. baby next time can you wait 5 minutes until I’m home” 

A giant sigh leaves Luke’s lips as his face starts to form his famous pout, “Yeah okay”

[hyukalyptus]

are you alone? — idol!hueningkai x fem!reader | established relationship. NSFW/MDNI!

cw. phone sex (?), joi (f. and m. receiveing), switch!kai x switch!reader, chubby!reader, tummy love as usual, masturbation, nipple play, cunnilingus is discussed but doesn't actually happen, reader licks her own juices <3, older!reader kinda, pet names (baby, babe, good boy), balls, kai sends reader a nude, established relationship, lemme know if i missed anything!

wc. 1.6k

notes. reposted from my old acct! i have a bunch of longer fics in the works so i thought i’d repost something from my other account in the meantime. i wrote this awhile ago and didn’t edit it a lot so it’s not my finest work, but oh well. smut under cut !

“How’s New York?” You ask Kai over the phone. The time difference is so drastic between the two of you that the only option for phone calls was during your lunchtime while he was getting ready for bed.

“It’s good, but I miss you,” he said. You were totally fine until he said that. When he says he misses you, everything in you aches. You need a hug, a kiss, an orgasm, and a cuddle. More than anything. And he can sense it all—and he misses you just as much. “You okay?”

You sigh and say, “Yeah…just wish I could be there with you.” He agrees—having you there would be perfect. And you can’t help you couldn’t get off work. How many people could take six weeks off work to go on a world tour with their boyfriend? “What are you doing right now?”

“Getting ready to take a shower.” He chuckles just a bit before adding, “Naked.”

You cackle and say, “I know you take showers naked, babe.”

“I know. I just wanted to remind you.”

“I bet you look really sexy.”

“Wanna see?”

“Do you even have to ask?” He poses for a cute mirror selfie that’s not too revealing, just shirtless, his sexy smirk, hair messy, and the top of his pelvis just barely exposed leaving everything to the imagination. He’s so cute. “Oh, wow. I was right.” Remaining silent, you wish you could be there with him…hugging and kissing, cuddling in the shower as he rubs a loofah all over you. He’d jiggle you and kiss your tummy…a lot. “I woke up thinking about you this morning,” you admit.

“Yeah? What about me?”

“About you touching me…” You hum, the ache for him growing stronger with each syllable.

“Really?” You can hear the water turn on over the phone, his voice echoey off the bathroom walls. “Are you alone?”

“Yeah,” you giggle. “I’m at my apartment. Why?”

He hesitates, trying to put into words exactly what he wants to do with you. “No reason,” he says, a hint of a giggle in his voice. “I was just thinking about what I’d do if you were here with me.”

“What would you do?”

“Oh god…” he takes a deep breath. “You know I love your tits. I’d just bury my face in your tits and kiss all over them.” You groan, resisting the urge to slip your fingers into your lounge shorts—resorting to squeezing your tit gently, imagining it was him. “You love it when I lick your nipples,” he says matter-of-factly and you hum in agreement. “Touch your nipples for me right now.” After pulling your bra off from under your shirt, you lick two fingers, rubbing circles over yourself. Your head falls back against the couch cushion, gently sighing, all your muscles relaxing.

“That’s it, baby,” he says. It almost makes you feel silly how much of an affect those three words have on you. “Tell me what else I do that you like.”

“Oh,” you start. “I love you tongue on my clit. God…” you groan. “I so wish you were here to eat me out right now. I really need some love from you.”

“I’m sorry—”

“No, no, it’s okay,” you say, hoping you didn’t ruin the moment. “I just meant you always feel so fucking good.” Your hips involuntarily grind against nothing. “It'll be well worth the wait when you get back.” Your thighs press together, trying to find some form of friction.

“I know it will. I miss you too you know…” he says, his breath heavy.

“I know,” you chuckle. You take a minute to switch to headphones so you have both hands free.

“Start moving your hand down to your pussy, but don’t touch yourself yet.” He takes a deep breath. “And tell me about it.”

“I’m dragging my fingertips across the front of my hips,” you whisper, stomach jerking at the tickle. “They're on the inside of my thighs. I can feel myself getting wet for you,” you say, moving closer and closer to your center. “Can you tell me what you would do if you were here with me?”

“Yes, baby,” he sighs, a smile evident in his voice. “Are you on the couch?” You hum. “Well, I’d come over and get on my knees, kissing all over your belly.” That’s one of your favorite things he does to you. And he absolutely adores your tummy. Loves it when you giggle from the tickle of his lips, making your belly jiggle against his lips. “Baby, do what I say but with your fingers. Do exactly what I say. Do you understand?” He asks, his voice getting sharper.

“Yes, I understand,” you giggle.

“I’d get on my knees and kiss your belly, spreading your legs, dragging my fingers all over the inside of your thighs,” he says. “And I’d pull your shorts down, pressing my hand over the outside of your panties.” You do the same. “And I’d move them to the side really slowly, looking up at you writhing, begging me to touch you.”

Groaning in anticipation, you hear him snicker, satisfied knowing he’s teasing you, even from this far away. “And I’d slide one finger inside you, feeling how wet you are.”

“I’m so fucking wet for you,” you say. Pumping your finger in and out of your pussy, some built-up tension is relieved.

“I know you are,” he says. “And then I’d slide another finger inside you, making you grind your hips against my fingers,” he says, as if he’s telling your body exactly how to move—and it’s obeying. “But that’s not what you want, is it?”

“No,” you whine, clenching your jaw, using everything in you not to touch your clit.

“Not yet, baby,” he chuckles. “I’d gather your wetness on my thumb and rub your nipple, and you’d moan for me.” You do what he says, moaning loudly.

“Please, Kai…”

“Did you do what I said? Did you rub your nipple with yourself?” You hum. “Good. Then, I’d lick your nipples, cleaning you up.” You lick your fingers, wiping your nipple clean, tasting yourself on your fingers.

“I’d kiss around your clit, hearing you whine and beg for me.” He takes a few deep breaths, trying to steady himself. You’re not sure if he’s touching himself, but you hope not so you can give him instructions in return later.

“Baby, please let me touch my clit. Please…” He hesitates as you keep begging.

“And then I’d flick my tongue over your clit.” You finally make contact with your fingers, moaning out loud. “That’s it, baby.” It’s those three words again.

“God, you feel so good,” you say, head dropping back to the couch cushion again.

“And I’d look up at you between your legs and you’d be rubbing your nipple.” You look down, half-expecting him to be there, only to be met with emptiness.

“Fuck, baby—” you gasp. “I love it when you talk to me like this.”

“Your legs would start to shake around my head,” he says. The knot in your stomach tightens—his voice along with your fingers feels amazing.

“I’m so close, babe,” you say, close to being out of breath.

“Don’t stop,” he insists. “Do whatever you want to yourself.” You don’t change anything. This is already too good. “Cum so good for me, baby,” he says and you push yourself over the edge, moaning loudly through gritted teeth. “Yeah, that’s it. Just like that,” he praises you as you work yourself through your orgasm—legs shaking, hips flinching, breasts heaving.

After coming down from your high and catching your breath, you say, “That was fun.”

“It was…” he sighs, finishing it off with a bit of a whimper.

“Aw, I’m sorry, babe,” you say. “You need me to help you out?” He hums so, so cutely. “You’re still in the shower?” He hums again. “You haven’t touched yourself yet, have you?”

“No, I wasn’t told to.”

“That’s my good boy,” you giggle. “You’re so good for me.” You take a second, trying to think of what you’re gonna do with him. You can’t get the image of him in the shower out of your head—water rushing over his body, cock painfully hard, pushing his bottom lip out for you—all while attempting to avoid the water from splashing his phone. “How about you start squeezing your balls first?”

“Are you asking or telling?”

“Sorry,” you blink, getting in the mindset of that role. “Squeeze yourself for me, baby. But don’t you dare touch your dick yet. Tell me how it feels.”

“Wish it was your hand…”

“I do too, baby,” you sigh. “Use your thumb to rub the precum around your tip for me. I know you’re already leaking,” you say and he chuckles, letting you know you were right. That action makes him absolutely whine. “Feel good?” He stutters, finally mumbling out a yes. You’re giddy as hell. It’s so fucking cute getting him like this. “Do you wanna squeeze your cock, baby?”

“So bad…” he stutters, sending shivers down his spine.

“Get some soap in your hand and go ahead,” you giggle. “Squeeze your cock for me, yeah?” He hums, following your instructions. His mouth dropping open, he moans so fucking loud. And you’re not surprised, he’s waited quite some time to touch himself. “How’s it feel?”

“Wish it was your mouth…”

“Aw, miss you too, baby.” You smile. “But tell me how good it feels.”

“Feels so good.” His hand pumps himself and he honestly doesn’t think he’ll last very long. “Won’t last…” he can’t even get past mumbling half sentences.

“That’s okay. Go a little faster for me.” And he does just that. “Just want you to feel good, baby.” Following your instruction, he makes this heavenly noise and you know he's cumming. And you can’t help but imagine his cum spurting all over his hand, his mouth barely open, eyes squeezed shut. “That’s a good boy. Cum so, so good. So good for me.”

[fandomtherapy44]

Castiel x reader Chapter 18: The End

Summary: SEASON 5 WHOOOO!!!!!!!! LET's GO! So I am so excited for this season so many great episodes. There are going to be a lot more Cas and Y/n scenes. And more chapters too. I do recommend that you read my first book so you get the full Y/n Winchester build-up. Okay with out further due enjoy the second book of Love War and Grace.

Paring: Castiel X Reader

WC:7.242k

Warnings: Some language, Typical Supernatural violence, Spoilers for season five of Supernatural, Emotional hurt for Y/n, Guns, Talk about Alcohol

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Firefly Graphics

About a week passed, and Dean was blowing up my phone with voicemails and texts with apologies. I listened to and read them all, but I couldn't talk to him, not yet. I left Ellen and Jo to have space to think about what Dean had said and they understood. Ellen and Jo still checked in with me by giving me a call. 

“Hey sweetie, how are you doing?” Ellen asked. I sat down on my bed with a beer in hand, thinking about what to say.

“To be honest, Ellen, I don’t know…I mean my whole life, he’s been mine… I just can’t believe he said that about Sam and our family.” She took in my words and tried to find the best to return back with. 

“I know, I think Dean doesn’t understand all that he said either.” I sigh and lay back on my bed with a big flop. 

“Yeah doesn’t mean it doesnt hurt.” I sniff and let a tear fall. 

“Y/n…I'm sorry, I want you to know if you ever need anything Jo and I will be there.” That brings a small smile to my face. 

“Thanks El, I'll talk to you later.” I hang up from her and just sit there and I get a text. “Call if you need anything :) -Jo”

It was amazing to have them, it was almost like having a moth-. My thoughts were interrupted by my phone ringing. “Hey, Cas. Any updates?” 

“The colt.” He responded, plainly.

“The colt that we lost?” I questioned, sipping my beer.

“It’s the only thing that could kill Lucifer, Y/n. And if you three still want to kill him, that's how we do it.” 

“Have any leads?” I ask.

“Where are you now?”

“Kansas city. Rev Motel, room 444”

“Good, I’ll be right there.”

“Cas, wait, I need sleep. Can we meet in like four hours?”

“Okay, four hours.”

“Thanks, Cas.”

I went to sleep but not even an hour later I got a call. It was Sam. I answered instantly.

“Sam?”

“Hey N/n, how are you doing?” 

I didn’t know how to tell him so I did something I hate doing. I lied. 

“Uh…good. You?”

“No, I’m not, I’m I- I’m…the vessel for Lucifer.” That makes me shoot straight up in bed. 

“What!?” I replied.

“Yeah, he told me all Freddy Krueger style.”  I think about it, and it makes sense with the whole prophecy thing.

“Okay. Well then we will take this on like any other thing. I’ll send you my location.”

He pauses and I can almost make out mumbles, “Really just like that.”

“Yeah of course Sam, Why?” I retort.

He sighs and breathes in deeply. “I told Dean, and he said we would be better apart.”

The anger courses through me like a storm. But I didn’t want to upset Sam anymore. I had been going through the same feelings as him. “I'm sorry Sam, it seems Dean has been a jerk to both of us, just call me when you're on your way, kay?”

“Kay, love you Y/n.”

“Love you too Sam.” 

I hung up the phone and crawled back into bed feeling uneasy, like pieces of myself were missing, like I wasn’t whole. I knew what was, but I couldn't force Dean to be here if he didn’t want to be, just like Dad.

Tweet tweet. I slowly opened my eyes and there was a bird in front of me? I fully open them and as my vision clears from sleep. I think I’m still dreaming because my whole room looks like Edward Scissorhands wanted to be a room designer. I got up from the broken bed and everything was tattered and filthy. I put my head outside the window and the whole street looked like it had been abandoned for ten years. I went outside and it was definitely eerie. I felt like I was transported into a zombie movie. I see an old newspaper case and grab one out.

“OUTBREAK NOW HITS KANSAS CITY, WHERE DO WE GO NOW?” My eyes then wandered down to the date. “January 15th, 2014.” What the fuck?

I started to walk down the street trying to gather what was happening. I then walk down an alley and see Dean.

“Dean?” He turns to me and grabs to hug me. I forget what had been said but for just that moment. I then glance over his shoulder and see a little girl, out cold.

“Did you punch a child out?” He looked between him and the girl and saw how bad it looked.

“The little psycho pulled a knife on me!” I'm about to respond when my head turns and I see the one word I wasn’t expecting.

“CROATOAN” 

“Oh shit!” At that, a lot of people spawn out of nowhere, all of them affected by something.

“Run?”

“Run!” Dean agrees with me and we both book it down the street, and holy fuck the affected were like fast zombies. We hit a dead end and are about to be pounced on when the military comes out of nowhere and shoots them all down, miraculously missing us. We parted the barbed wire to clear a fence and begin walking.

“So?” Dean questions.

“Yeah, so what the hell are we doing in 2014!?” I blurt out anxiously. Dean stops me.

“We’re in 2014!?” He utters, reciprocating my fear. I just shake my head.

“Okay, I think we should go to Bobby’s. You?” He asked me, staring intently into my eyes. I couldn't return his gaze.

“Sounds good.” I responded coldly and Dean knew why.

I managed to hotwire a car and we were on our way. A stale silence filled the car which never happened; there was usually talking or music, but not now. With Dean gripping the steering wheel, he finally said the words that had been on his mind for the last hour. 

“So, are we going to talk?”

I don’t even look at him. “About what?”

“You know what, Y/n I really am sor-” I stopped him at that. 

“Dean, we are currently trapped in 2014 with a deadly virus on our asses, I don’t know, could we maybe pause that conversation till we figure it out after?” I never stalled a chance for us to apologize to each other. That's how he knew he really screwed up.

“Of course.” A couple more seconds and we get the living daylights sacred out of us.

“AHH FUCK!” Dean had the same response and there was Zachariah sitting there, smugly. I should of fucking known.

"Croatoan pandemic reaches Australia." He reads off from a newspaper headline.

“I thought I smelled your stink on this Back to the Future crap.” Dean quipped at him.

“‘President Palin defends bombing of Houston.’ Certainly a buyer's market in real estate. Let's see what's happening in sports. That's right—no more sports. Congress revoked the right to group assembly. What's left of Congress, that is. Hardly a quorum, if you ask me.”

“How did you find us?” I painfully asked him. I didn’t want to look at the fuckface.

“Nice to see you too, Y/n. Afraid we had to tap some unorthodox resources of late—human informants. We've been making inspirational visits to the fringier Christian groups. They've been given your guy’s image, told to keep an eye out.” I think and I know who it was.

“The Nun selling the flowers! That bitch, and to think I bought daisies from her.” I said, shaking my head in annoyance.

“The Bible freak outside the motel—they, what, dropped a dime on us?” Dean said.

“Onward, Christian soldiers.” Zach replied.

“Okay, well, good, great. You have had your jollies. Now send us back, you son of a bitch.” Dean commanded.

“Oh, you'll get back—all in good time. We want you to marinate a bit.” Zach said, amused. I look back to wanting to smack him.

“The fuck that’s supposed to mean?”

“Three days, Dean. Three days to see where this course of action takes you.” Zach then looks at me.

“And for you, really think if you don’t let your brothers fulfill their prophecy, see what happens.”

At that Dean and I looked at each other, thinking, what were we going to see?

I kick the door open to Bobby’s house.

“Bobby! Bobby!” 

Dean and I go in searching for any sign of Bobby. Sadly, his house looked like everywhere else. The nail in the coffin was just an empty wheelchair in the middle of the hallway covered in cobwebs and dust on its side with bullet holes and dried blood. It had been sitting there for years. 

“Bobby…”

Dean goes to the fire mantel and picks up an old picture of a group of men. One of them was Bobby but strangely, another was Cas. Dean points at the photo.

“Camp Chitaqua.” 

We had gotten to the camp and we had sneaked in. A few steps in and we see a horrible thing- well, at least to Dean. It was Baby. Most of her parts were missing- wheels gone and greenery growing out of it. Dean sticks his head in the open car. 

“Oh, no, Baby, what did they do to you?” 

I hear some rustling and before I know it Dean has been knocked out. I tried to run but it was too late.

A gun cocks. “Turn around, slowly.”

I do and I see my brother, lying unconscious on the ground.

“Dean?” I ask, staring in shock at the man before me, who looks exactly like Dean, but a bit older and before I knew it I was out too.

Future Dean’s cabin had its essentials: guns, food, and liquor. My Dean was still knocked out and handcuffed. I was too smart, because we are all Winchesters, after all.

“So should we talk-” I was stopped because future Dean was giving me the death stare.

“Okay, won’t talk. Got it.” He just sits and stares at me.

“Do I have something on my face or-”

“I need your arm.” He doesn't give me a chance and just grabs it.

“Hey! HEY!” He pulls out a silver knife and makes a cut in my arm. “OW! You could have at least given me a second!”

He stands up and grabs a flask. “We don’t have the luxury of seconds anymore.”

I can’t even respond because Holy water gets thrown in my face. I spit it out.

“I'm not a monster and neither is he.” I nod to my Dean.

“I know.” He said and for a reason there is a tiny bit of sadness behind it.

“How did you two end up here?”

“Fucking Zach.” I say with heavy disdain. Dean chuckles and mumbles something I couldn't hear. “I'm from 2009.” 

“If you were my sister, tell me something we would only know.” Future Dean questions.

I think for a moment and come up with the perfect thing. “My first date stood me up, so you picked me up and we egged his house. You told me that he was an idiot and that you would always… be there for me.” I finish with a small smile thinking about one of the few good memories from my childhood all because of… Dean.

“Yeah, I wanted to throw it at his car, but you said that was too far and I remember being happy that you still cared.” Dean said looking down at his hands with a hint of melancholy to his voice. Which made me curious.

At that moment my Dean wakes up. “Y/n! Y/n!” 

“Dean, I'm okay! So are you.” My Dean looked at Future Dean and a look of horror consumed his face. This was getting too confusing. I decided to call my Dean by his name and the future one DD. It was a nickname I had for him when I was little.

“I know Zach threw you guys here. Where is he? I want to talk to him.” DD asked Dean.

“We don’t know.” Dean answered for us.

“So, what, Zach zapped you two up here to see how bad it gets?”

“I guess. Croatoan virus, right? That's their endgame?” Dean asked DD. I mean it has to be right?! I wondered.

“It's efficient, it's incurable, and it's scary as hell. Turns people into monsters. Started hitting the major cities about two years ago. World really went in the crapper after that.” Two years ago? Then where the Hell is Sam? My thoughts raced.

“Then what about Sam?” Dean had the same question as me, rightly so.

DD is silent for a second. You could see the cogs turning in his head as he thought about how to respond.

“Heavyweight showdown in Detroit. From what I understand, Sam didn't make it.” Dean and I widened our eyes at that news.

“What happened?” I questioned, scared for the answer.

“No. No, me and Sam, we haven't talked in—hell, five years,” DD replied. I look between DD and Dean. So that is what happens. Why didn't I try to connect us together?

“What about me?” I ask, concerned. DD turns his head and puts it down in shame.

“I haven't seen you in five years, N/n.” At that, DD starts to leave.

“Wait, wait! What’s that supposed to mean?” I tried to grab his attention because that short explanation was not good enough, especially considering the situation we were in. 

“It means that we…I haven’t seen you for five years.” He stops the conversation there, grabs his stuff and turns to Dean.

“Okay. All right. Fine. But you don't have to cuff me, man. Oh, come on. You don't trust yourself?” Dean said to DD, very offended. DD looks between the two of us.

“You're right, I'm sorry.” He goes and grabs a pair of handcuffs and secures them on my wrists.

“Hey, that's not fair!” I reply, trying to defend myself.

DD turns to me and gives a look, as if to say, “Really?”

“Okay, fair.” DD rolls his eyes and leaves the cabin. Dean and I look at each other.

“How the hell are we always short sighted in our own Back to the Future movies?” I asked Dean.

“I don’t know, Y/n, maybe Marty McFly screwed the system for us.” Dean used a nail he quickly pulled out from the floor board, unlocked his cuffs, and threw me the nail. I followed suit, while Dean started to leave.

“Uh, where do you think you're going?”

“I'm going to check out all this!” He pointed outside.

“What about everyone else seeing doubles?” I said, pointing out the obvious.

“Oh please, with the world they live in, I think they will be okay. Are you going to come?”

I looked around and decided that I needed to uncover a little more in here. “I'm going to look around in here.”

“Okay I'll be back in an hour.” He opened the door, glanced around, and snuck out.

I stand up. Let's just say the cabin did not have much charm to it. “Okay, time to Scooby Doo this bitch.”

I had been looking around for about thirty minutes and I had found nothing, just six guns and eight empty booze bottles, which was typical of Dean. As I walked around the room, a floorboard creaked. “Uh huh, still the same hiding spot from when you were a teen Dean.” I kneel down and pry the board open to find a brown leather journal that looks identical to our Dad’s. I picked it up and started to go through it. Usually I wouldn’t do this, but DD is definitely hiding something important.

“It's been a year since this damn breakout started. Bobby and I tried to defend Sioux Falls the best we could but we had to leave. The Croatans are never ending and basically are super powered. I haven’t really gotten sleep. The only aid I get is from a bottle if I'm lucky enough to find one. It's the only reason why I won’t have nightmares about what happened…” 

I began to filp the page to continue reading but before I could I heard Dean scream followed by a gunshot. I dropped the journal and ran out the door and towards the sound. I see a clearing and Dean and DD standing there with a dead dude on the ground. Other people were staring at Dean like it was The Parent Trap. 

“Dean! Are you okay!?” I ran to his side. 

“Yeah I’m fine, but he isn't.” He glanced down to the poor sap.

“Who shot him?” I questioned and at that time I noticed everyone looking at me even weirder than the twins.

“Uh, my twin.” Dean responded.

Then I felt someone touch my shoulder. I turned to see Cas standing before me.

“Cas?” He just stares in my eyes and I see so much pain and sorrow behind them. He pulls me in for a deep and strong hug, even stronger than when he hugged me after he came back from the dead.

“Cas are you okay?” I squeeze back.

We let go and he gives me a chilling response:

“Y/n, you've been dead for five years.”

I somehow found myself back in the cabin, my whole world turned upside down. Dean and I were silent, thinking about what was just uncovered. DD was just standing there silently.

“So, you want to say something DD?”

He looks at me with emotion in his eyes that I couldn’t quite pinpoint. “You haven’t called me that since you were eight.” 

“Yeah it’s a little too The Parent Trap to call you both Dean. Let’s move on from childhood names and tell me, how the hell am I dead, and why didn't you tell us?” I declared, crossing my arms. I had no way of regulating my feelings more than I usually do.

DD sighs and looks down and Dean and I are waiting. “Five years ago you died in Detroit, that's the day I regretted not saying yes.” He turns to Dean.

“That’s why you have to say yes.” Dean stared at DD.

“How do I die?” I asked.

“I don’t remember, no one does.” He poured a tall glass of whiskey.

“What do you mean you don’t remember!?” I slammed my hands down on the table in confusion and anger.

“I mean that no one remembers how it happens. Maybe it was from trauma or the Angels but we all can’t remember shit about that day.” He finished by gulping down the drink. I had to get some air, so I headed outside.

I started walking while everyone looked at me like they were seeing a ghost. Technically, they were. I didn't even realize that my legs were running till I got to a clearing where I was far enough away that I could think straight. I leaned my back against a big tall pine tree, letting myself slide down to the stump. I tried to catch my breath in the cold air, and it was obvious that I wasn’t doing a good job. As I exhaled, my breath looked like a white plume of smoke. Thousands of thoughts ran through my head, none of them stopping to drink water. 

“Hey, are you okay?” A deep scruffy voice asked from the other side of the tree. I didn't need to turn to see who the owner of the voice was. It might have sounded a little strained and hoarse, but I knew it was my best friend. I got up, slowly trying not to stumble while ignoring the oncoming headache. 

“To be honest, Cas, no. I mean, how are you supposed to react when you die in almost a year?” I put my hand on my head trying to calm it.

“It’s been five years for me, the worst five years.” He sits down on a stomp and takes out an old pack of cigs that looks about ten years old. He lights one up and breathes it in and blows out a long puff of smoke. I went to sit down next to him.

“Since when do you smoke?” I waited for an answer and just took a good look at him. He was still handsome as ever, but looked aged and scared in more than one way.

“Since you died and the world went to shit.” He throws the cig and then he takes out a small flask, immediately throwing it back like he couldn't be without a substance for more than a couple of seconds. I hated seeing him like this.

“Do you remember how I-” I hesitated to continue. not wanting to speak it in existence more than it had.

“How you die? No, I don’t, like everyone else.” He offered me the flask and I thought, what the hell. I take it and drink it back. 

“Ugh that tastes disgusting- it’s like old peach schnapps.” I pulled it from my mouth and spit it out on the ground.

He takes it back, smiling. “That's ‘cause it is, Y/n. Not many stores in the apocalypse, but as long as it gets me drunk I don’t care.” He then again drinks it back like it’s nothing, telling me he’s had a lot of practice.

“So what happened after I… died.”

“Well, the Angels had their fun letting the Croats and demons run around after the planet was barely spinning. We've been trying to save what’s left.” I hadn’t heard such a hopeless sentence for a long time. Then I realized something that should be so obvious.

“Cas… You're not an Angel anymore, are you.”  He chuckles at that.

“N/n, always so smart. Yeah, I lost my wings a long time ago. I think it had something to do with the others leaving. I don’t know. So, I'm useless.” He drank again.

“Useless?”

“Yeah, useless, I couldn’t even… save you.” He says, full of regret and disdain.

“Cas, you have never been useless, even after losing your wings, despite what you think. You are useful just being you! Don’t blame yourself for what happened. I can tell you, even though for me it hasn’t happened yet, it wasn’t your fault.”

He turns to me and gives me a real smile. 

“I missed that.”

“Missed what?”

“Missed you pulling me from hell, no matter what.”

Cas and I walked back to the cabin. When we arrived, everyone was having a meeting and the colt was in the middle of the table.

“Is that the colt!?” I asked, surprised, and sat down. Cas looked curious as well.

Both DD and Dean stared at me as how to I was doing.

‘How are you doing?” Dean whispered to me.

“I…” I didn't really know.

“So, that's it? That's the Colt?” Risa questioned.

“If anything can kill Lucifer, this is it.” DD responded holding up the gun confidently.

“Great. Have we got anything that can find Lucifer?” Risa threw back with attitude and she did have a good question.

“Are you okay?” DD was confused.

“Oh, we were in, uh, Jane's cabin last night. And, apparently, we and...Risa have a connection.” Dean told DD and I had to try to hold back my laughter.

“We don't have to find Lucifer. We know where he is. The demon that we caught last week, he was one of the big guy's entourage. He knew,” DD stated.

“Are we really trusting a demon?” I just couldn't believe Dean, especially that this Dean (DD) would take a demon's word truthfully.

“ Y/n our fearless leader, I'm afraid, is all too well schooled in the art of getting to the truth.” Cas said and I could tell he was sad saying it.

“Torture? Oh, so, we're—we're torturing again. No, that's—that's good. Classy.” Dean said in disbelief to DD.

Cas laughs at that and DD gives him a look.

“What? I like past you.” Cas riposted back.

“Lucifer is here. Now. I know the block and I know the building.” DD brought out a map and a block was circled.

“Oh, good—it's right in the middle of a hot zone.” Cas clearly pointed out.

“Crawling with Croats, yeah. You saying my plan is reckless?” DD replied.

“Are you saying we, uh, walk in straight up the driveway, past all the demons and the Croats, and we shoot the devil?” 

“Yes.”

“Okay, if you don't like, uh, 'reckless', I could use 'insouciant', maybe,” Cas stated.

“Are you coming?”

“Of course. But why is he? I mean, he's you five years ago. If something happens to him, you're gone, right?” Cas was right- I should technically be dead- but not him.

“He's coming.” DD commanded firmly.

Cas is done with DD’s bullshit and just agrees to halt the conversation. “Okay. Well, uh. I'll get the grunts moving.” Him and Risa leave.

“Why are you taking us?” Dean asked DD. DD reloads his gun, looking down.

“Relax. You'll be fine. Zach's looking after you, right?”

“No, that's not what I mean. I want to know what's going on.” Dean was right.

“Yeah, I second that.” I chimed in.

“Yeah, okay. You're coming because I want you to see something. I want you to see our brother.”

“Sam’s dead like me right…?” I asked, hesitantly. DD looks into my eyes and sighs and then turns to Dean.

“Sam didn't die in Detroit. He said 'yes'.”

“Wait. You mean—” 

“That's right. The big 'yes'. To the devil. Lucifer's wearing him to the prom.” 

“Why in the hell would Sam do that? It makes no sense.” I wondered, voicing my thoughts.

“I don’t know why N/n, but now we don't have a choice. It's in him, and it's not getting out. And we've got to kill him, Dean. And you need to see it—the whole damn thing, how bad it gets—so you can do it differently.”

“What do you mean?”

“Zach said he was gonna bring you back, right? To ‘09?”

“When you get back home—you say 'yes'. You hear me? Say 'yes' to Michael.” DD was chest to chest with Dean, pleading with him.

“If Dean does that then Michael and Lucifer will smoke half the planet.”

“AT LEAST YOU’LL BE ALIVE!” DD yelled, finally letting his anger out.

“Look around you, man. Half the planet's better than no planet, which is what we have now. Your sister can still be alive. If I could do it over again, I'd say 'yes' in a heartbeat.” DD continued.

“So why don't you?” Dean asked.

“I've tried! I've shouted 'yes' till I was blue in the face! The angels aren't listening! They just—left—gave up! It's too late for me, but for you—” DD went on.

“Oh, no. There's got to be another way,” Dean interrupted.

“Yeah, that's what I thought. I was cocky. Never actually thought I'd lose. But I was wrong. Dean. I was wrong. I'm begging you. Say yes. So our sister can live.” 

I get in a truck with Cas to head to the site where Sam supposedly is. It’s so weird to see him driving, but I liked it. He takes out a bottle of pills and takes a couple.

“Pills? What the hell are those?” I nod my head to the bottle.

“Amphetamines, you want some?” Cas easily said, without regard. My stomach dropped.

“Sure.” I give a sweet smile, prompting Cas to hand me the bottle. I proceeded to roll down the window and threw the bottle out.

“WHAT THE HELL Y/N? Do you know how hard it is to find those?” Cas tried to focus on the road and not to turn back.

“No I don’t, and I don’t care.”

“Why!? Why would you do that?”

“Because you're not being you!”

“What does that even mean!” He exclaimed, hitting the wheel, turning to glare at me quickly before looking back at the road.

“The Cas I know would never get high and drink!”

“I'm not the Cas you know or knew I don’t really know but after you died… I couldn't, I just couldn't.”

“Cas, listen to me. After this, go somewhere for me.”

He looked to me. “Where?”

“Go see the Northern lights.” 

“Why there?”

“I never got to go and probably never will, so you go for me. I don’t want you to be sad, I want you to get the full human experience, feel sad, and mad... and love. Feel for me, because I can’t bear to see a shell of you. Just promise me, okay?” I grab his hand and squeeze it tightly.

“Okay, I promise.”

We had gotten to the site and it was an old repair building. DD started telling us the plan. 

“There. Second-floor window. We go in there.” He pointed up to the building. He said this as if it was easy to accomplish.

“You sure about this?” Risa rightfully questioned.

“They'll never see us coming. Trust me. Now, weapons check. We're on the move in five.” This is too easy and fishy, I thought. He’s lying.

“Hey, uh, me. Can I talk to you for a sec?” Dean nodded at DD.

I get up to go with them. “Tell me what's going on.”

“What?” Dean in any timeline can be such a bad liar.

“DD, you forget that I have been with you our entire lives. What the fuck are you planning?” I pointed at his chest.

“I don't know what you're talking about.” DD rebutted back. 

“Oh, really? Well, we don't seem to be the only members of your party with some questions, so, uh, maybe we will just take our doubts over to them.” Dean and I started to walk away.

“Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. Take a look around you, guys. This place should be white-hot with Croats. Where are they?” He said, holding us back by the collars of our shirts.

“They cleared a path for us. Which means that this is—”

“A fucking trap. Then we can’t go through the front!” I concluded.

“Oh, we're not. They are. They're the decoys. We're going in through the back, us three.” My jaw dropped at what DD suggested.

“You mean you're gonna feed your friends into a meat grinder? Cas, too? You want to use their deaths as a diversion?” 

DD looks away in shame.

“Oh, man, something is broken in you. You're making decisions that I would never make. I wouldn't sacrifice my friends.” That's when DD snaps.

“You're right. You wouldn't. Maybe seeing that your SISTER DIES BECAUSE OF YOUR STUBBORNNESS CHANGES THAT!” He screamed at Dean and his eyes floated to me in the tension. Dean and I turned to each other, knowing we had to go warn the rest of our party.

“These people count on you. They trust you.” Dean tried to counter.

“They trust me to kill the devil and to save the world and that's exactly what I'm gonna do.” DD replied coldly and hopelessly.

“No. Not like this, you're not. We are not gonna let you.” We start walking away and suddenly, Dean is knocked out.

I gasped and turned to DD. “DD please, I know you don’t want to do this, I know you don’t want to kill your friends, Castiel, just to kill the devil.” I was backed up against a tree as DD came closer.

“Y/n, I want to trust me (Dean). Like you said, you know me, but I can’t let him keep living. Not after having you die ‘cause of it. I really am sorry.” I didn’t get another word until the handle of DD’s shotgun went into my head.

I slowly start waking up to the sound of lots of gunfire. I stumble to get up. I was pretty sure I had a concussion. Everything is a little blurry and tilted. Dean is still knocked out and DD is nowhere to be found. 

“Dean, get up!” I shook him but he was not budging. I sighed in frustration and anxiety. I remembered why there was a lot of gunfire, the trap, and Cas.

“I'll be back Dean!” I tell him in his unconscious state and run to the building.

I enter as quickly and quietly as possible. There are dead Croats and sadly, there are some of our own, lying on the floor. I pick up a gun and go up the stairs where I find Cas killing a Croat.

“Cas!” I run up to him, he drops the body, and I run into his arms. “Oh thank God.” I whispered and tightened my grip on him. And so does he. We let go.

“I think that is what I miss most, is your hugs.” He says and I can see tears build up in his blue soulful eyes, mixed with regret and affliction.

“Can you promise me something?” He continued.

“Of course.” I nodded my head.

“When you get back will you uh hu-” His words suddenly stopped and blood slowly started to come out of his mouth.

“Cas!?” He slumps down revealing that a Demon had stabbed him in the back. The demon pulls out the knife and gives me a creepy smile.

“Aww did I kill your boyfr-” I pulled out my gun and shot him in the face not letting him have the fucking satisfaction of finishing his sentence.

“CAS! Cas, stay with me! It’s okay, I'll get help!” I frantically said, panic rushing through me.

“N/n you can’t even if…you could there is nothing that could help me in this timeline just stay with me please?” Cas said in between coughs. Blood is now spraying on his shirt. It was like deja vu- flashes of Sam flashed through my head.

“I’m here, Cas.” I pull his head on my lap and stroked his hair.

“Ha ha ha...” Cas somehow laughed through more coughing fits.

“How in the hell are you laughing right now?” I said while tears rolled down my cheeks.

“It’s just funny that a formal Angel is dying from something as simple as a stab wound, don’t you think?” He gave me a half-stoned smile.

“Ha, I don’t think it’s funny at all.” I sniffed.

“I'm sorry I can’t go see the lights.” I could feel he was slipping away quickly.

“Oh Cas don’t be sorry, I just always wanted you to live for you.” My tears were coming out and there was no stopping it.

“I was really stupid when you were still here.” 

“What do you mean?”

“I never told you how you changed me, how you gave me courage, how you taught me to lov-” He just stops.

“Cas! CAS!” I shook him hard now, a full-on waterfall coming down my face. “Cas…” I whispered. He was gone.

How come the people I care about keep dying? I thought.

There was a crack of lighting outside to pull me out of my thoughts. I looked down and saw … Sam.

“I’ll be back to bury you I promise.” I say in Cas’s ear and kiss his forehead.

I run outside to be met with a rose garden and Sam is in this full white suit, DD’s head under his foot. His backside is to me. DD sees me and tries to say something but is stopped by his neck being snapped.

“Y/n well, this is a surprise. I was just expecting our brother.” He said this so calmly like it was normal that it sent a chill down my spine.

“You are not Sam.” I circled him carefully.

“You're right, I'm not, but he does desperately want to see you, he’s begging me to come up to just speak to you for a minute. I mean, how could you blame him, his little sister has been dead for five years.” He tried to jab at me to get some type of an emotion to manipulate but I would not give in as all of it was expelled about two minutes ago. Dean then shows up behind him.

“You've come a long way to see this, haven't you?” He said to the both of us. Giving us sinister eyes and speaking like a snake.

“Well, go ahead. Kill us.” Dean blurts out. I mean, both of us will die anyway, I thought.

“Kill you?” He looks at DD, who is dead, then back at me with a confused look. 

“Don't you think that would be a little...redundant?” 

“I'm sorry. It must be painful, speaking to me in this—shape. But it had to be your brother. It had to be.” Sam, or more technically, Lucifer, rebuttals back. He reaches for Dean and my shoulders but we both pull back. 

“You don't have to be afraid of me, you two. What do you think I'm going to do?” 

“You know we may not be full Bible knowledge holders but we do the major stuff of what you did and continue to do.” I fought back, not falling for his bullshit.

“Yeah, what she said.” Dean nodded at me in agreement.

“Why? Why would I want to destroy this stunning thing? Beautiful in a trillion different ways. The last perfect handiwork of God.” Neither of us wanted to hear these lies. “You ever hear the story of how I fell from grace?”

“No, but I’m sure you're going to annoyingly tell us.”

“Ahh Y/n, I have always loved your little quips. You know why God cast me down? Because I loved him. More than anything. And then God created…” He smiles and turns his head down on us. “You. The little...hairless apes. And then he asked all of us to bow down before you—to love you, more than him. And I said, ‘Father, I can't.’ I said, ‘These human beings are flawed, murderous.’ And for that, God had Michael cast me into hell. Now, tell me, does the punishment fit the crime? Especially, when I was right? Look at what six billion of you have done to this thing, and how many of you blame me for it.” I hadn’t had the urge to punch someone so hard since Ruby.

“You're not fooling me, you know that? With this sympathy-for-the-devil crap. We know what you are.” Dean said for the both of us.

“What am I?” 

“You're the same thing, only bigger. The same brand of cockroach I've been squashing our whole lives. An ugly, evil, belly-to-the-ground, supernatural piece of crap. The only difference between them and you is the size of your ego.” Lucifer smiles at us like we are little kids playing cops and robbers.

“I like you, Dean. I get what the other angels see in you. Goodbye. We'll meet again soon. And Y/n I’m sorry, I won’t be able to hear your funny lines again.” He turns away from us.

“You better kill me now!” Dean screams at him.

“Pardon?” 

“You better kill me now. Or I swear, I will find a way to kill you. And I won't stop.”

“I know you won't. I know you won't say yes to Michael, either. And I know you won't kill Sam. Whatever you do, you will always end up here. Whatever choices you make, whatever details you alter, we will always end up—here. I win. So, I win.”

“You're wrong.”

“See you in five years, Dean. Y/n, Sam loves you though I could give him that.” At that thunder and lighting crack, Lucifer disappears, and Dean and I turn to see Zachariah reaching for us.

“Wait! I have to bury Cas!” Of course, I didn’t get to.

Dean and I are dropped in Dean’s hotel room and we lean against the sink to catch our breaths.

“Oh, well, if it isn't the ghost of Christmas screw you.” Dean said in annoyance.

“Enough. Dean, enough. You saw it, right? You saw what happens. You're the only person who can prove the devil wrong. Your sister dies. Just say yes.”

“How do I know that this whole thing isn't one of your tricks? Huh? Some angel hocus-pocus?”

“The time for tricks is over. Give yourself to Michael. Say yes and we can strike. Before Lucifer gets to Sam. Before billions die.” He then turns to me.

“Y/n, you die, don’t you want to live, convince your brother.”

Dean and I are on the same page because at the same time we both say “Nah.”

“'Nah'? You two are telling me you haven't learned your lesson?” 

“Look, off-brand Disney channel character, I’m in charge of my future, not what you dicks have planned.” I poured a drink for Dean and I.

“And I've learned a lesson, all right. Just not the one you wanted to teach.” Dean quipped drinking back.

And anger just surges through him. “Well, I'll just have to teach it again! Because I got you now, boy, girl and I'm never letting you—”

We landed on the side of the road under a lamplight and Cas was standing there.

“That's pretty nice timing, Cas.” Dean let out a breath of relief.

“We had an appoi-” I didn’t let him finish before I threw my hands around him trying to take in everything about him. Trying to find his heartbeat ‘Thump Thump’ there it is.

“Sorry, I just…” How was I supposed to tell him? “Missed you.” I finished. Dean’s eyes went between us knowing the reason for the sudden hug and he tried to bring attention away from it.

“Cas don’t ever change.” He claps Cas’s shoulder in awe and a smile.

“How did Zachariah find you?”

“Long story. Let's just stay away from Jehovah's Witnesses from now on, okay?”

“And Nun’s selling flowers.” Dean then pulls out his phone.

“What are you doing?” Cas asks. I glance down and see Sam’s name on his phone and I smile at it.

“Something I should have done in the first place.”

Dean and I are waiting by the Impala for Sam. His car pulls up and I send a quick prayer to whatever is out there that everything goes smoothly. Sam gets out and walks over slowly.

“Sam.” Dean pulls out the demon knife.

“If you're serious and you want back in...you should hang on to this. I'm sure you're rusty.” Wow Dean is actually listening to me, crazy, I thought. Sam takes the knife.

“Look, man, I'm sorry. I don't know. I'm...whatever I need to be. But I was, uh—wrong.” Dean confessed.

“What made you change your mind?” Sam asks and well a lot Sam.

“Long story. The point is...maybe we are each other's Achilles heel. Maybe they'll find a way to use us against each other, I don't know. I just know we're all we've got. More than that. We keep each other human.”  The three of us I don’t know. I haven't really felt like this before. Not sure if we need these extra two sentences, maybe change this? 

“Thank you. Really. Thank you. I won't let you down.” Sam really was thankful.

“Oh, I know it. I mean, you are the second-best hunter on the planet.” Dean said, talking like a true older brother.

“Uh excuse me you mean third best hunter right?” I added in. My brothers both chuckle at me.

“So, what do we do now?” Sam asks.

“I’ll tell you what we do, Sam, we kick ass and take names and our future.” I ended.

“Guess we have no choice.”

[mantabanter]

Fictober Day 1: "that was good work"

Lance couldn’t think very well. His face felt clammy, like the flesh of his cheeks could fall away at any moment. He had to touch them every once in a while, just to make sure they were still there, fingers trailing neatly at their edges. The past week he’d been covered in a constant layer of sweat, as if he were battling a fever or humid weather. Whatever care he put into his appearance had withered away. On the brink of death, one is forced to prioritize.

First on his list was staying awake. When he stayed awake, the thing couldn’t take him. If he kept himself in control, everything would be alright.

Right now, he was trying to solve a Rubik's cube. His hands trembled, and his brow furrowed as stiff fingers tried to keep track of the changing colours.

”Lancet.” K���Sante’s voice was gentle, but it still came as a shock to the system, and he jumped.

K’Sante evident frown deepened. He was standing above the couch of his apartment. Basked in the dawning light he looked like someone out of a dream, not all quite there. “Do you like the letter Kay?”

”It’s alright I suppose, but I prefer M.” His fingers rubbed his eyes under his glasses, leaving small smudges. “What does that have to do with anything?”

K’Sante said something again, but the sound seemed to hollow out, as if Lance was trapped under a glass like an unfortunate insect. Lance squinted. Looking at K’Sante in the light hurt his eyes.

“I don’t know what you’re saying.” He said.

An impulse went off in his head, and he tore his gaze away from the man and began the ritual of making sure his face was intact.

There were other ghosts in the room too, faint white shadows, and K’Sante went to join them. In a less sleep-deprived space of mind, he might have questioned the ghosts, but so much had changed since last week that it didn’t feel necessary to question. Satisfied that his skin had not moved all that much, he turned his attention back to the Rubik’s cube.

Demons were real, and one was living inside him.

Red - red - blue.

Demons were real, and they terrorized the city in the shadows of night.

Blue - green - green - yellow.

Demons were real, and there were people around who fought them with mystical powers.

Blue - black - black - blue.

If the demon won, he would be slaughtered by the man he loved.

Red - red - red - red.

If the demon lost?

Lance didn’t know what then, but it was better than the first thing.

He’d solved three sides. It was better than before, but the real challenge was the rest. Lance was not very good at the Rubik’s cube.

A hand seemed to appear from the snow white air around him, snatching it from his hands. Lance flexed his fingers. He didn’t think he’d miss it. Then the hand took his shoulder, and a face was suddenly in his own.

He had sharp features, a pretty face, with even teeth and a bulging, black eye that shone a monstrous shade of fuchsia. His other eye was fine though, a gentle blue. Lance decided he preferred the normal eye.

”You know, you’re not handling it as bad as I thought you would, being a normie.” He said, his voice resonating in his mind like crunching ice. He was impossibly clear and hard to ignore.

Lance winced.

”Don’t look at me.” He said, trying to pry off the mans hand off his shoulder. “You’ll make my skin fall off.”

The other man grinned, and Lance began his face ritual once again.

”Tell him to rest.” K’Sante’s voice felt muffled in comparison to Kayn’s crisp clarity. “Please. He can’t go on like this.”

”Oh, he won’t. Go on like this, I mean. He’s not strong enough.” The man said, his eyes not breaking away from Lance’s face. He seemed to find the fine fingerwork of his skin-check amusing somehow. “You look like shit, by the way.”

Lance didn’t respond as his thumbs began to trace the seams under his eyes. He could lose his cheeks, but he liked his eyes.

”It’s like a parasite. So far, it appears he’s starved it. That was good work. Impressive.”

Even in Lance's fog of mind, he could tell he was being glib.

”What about the host?” Someone else’s voice, he couldn’t pin it. One of the ghosts, maybe. “Is there no method of separation?”

”Depends. Do you feel confident to give it a try?” There was a notable silence. ”One just has to hope it’s a strong host and a weak demon.”

The half-eyed man was wrenched from his vision, pulled out into the glassy white world beyond his fingers. The largest ghost held him by his shoulder, or maybe his neck.

”I didn’t ask for snippy advice. I’m asking you to save him.”

”I can’t save him. That’s not how this works—”

The conversation began to muffle again, the world getting whiter and whiter. He needed his Rubik’s cube but he couldn’t find it. He needed to keep himself awake.

Lance was going to die. The thought didn’t hit him as hard as he thought it ought to.

Yelling. The sounds seemed to float in the air. He could see it, like slow-motion waves of light - swarms that seperated and converged. He began to chew on the edges of his fingers, just for something to focus on.

Sleep sounded good. Soft and warm like the inside of somethings mouth. He wanted to be swallowed, slowly, gently, back into that darkness.

And then again, he winced at the crystal-sluice words in his head.

”You want some real advice? From one host to another?” It crunched, like the sounds were crackling inside his ears. “Be stubborn. Be picky. Demons on the edge of death turn generous: stretch it out, take the best deal its got. That’s all there is to it.”

Lance blinked.

From the light, something tossed the colours back. The Rubik’s cube landed in his lap, fully solved.

”I’ll stick around, because your boyfriend is a good guy and I owe him one."

His silhouette stood out like a black hole amongst the figures of light. The world seemed to seep into him, hungry for all the colours it could find.

"Try not to die."

[pastriibunz]

Final Performance - Kai’s Perspective

Paring: None

Warnings: major spoilers for TKWDLM, depressive thoughts, [possible] suicidal ideation

Summary: Let It Out from Kai’s perspective.

I didn’t deserve this.

I don’t even know how I made it this far.

I don’t know how I haven’t died yet.

Practically everyone else has.

The three I met in that alley. (I think their names were Bob, Charlie, and Terry?)

The cops.

This entire town.

Uncle Mac.

…

And yet, I’m still here. 

With Paul and Emma.

I love them a lot.

They’re now family to me.

But I don’t deserve them.

I never did.

I’m horrible. I’m sick. I’m a monster.

I’m everything everyone thought I was.

I couldn’t even save one town.

How do I deserve to call myself a hero?

…

It’s not over yet.

The meteor.

If we can destroy it, this is all over.

I have to. I have to. I have to. 

Maybe then all my sins can be forgiven.

Paul wants to go alone?

No. 

I can’t let him.

He is worth it. He matters. His life has meaning. He deserves to live out his happily ever after. He doesn’t deserve to die.

I do.

I’m not letting him die. Not like that. Not if I can help it.

He agreed. Good.

I can at least save two.

…

Why is it so hard to say goodbye? 

Why does my chest hurt and my heart feel heavy?

I don’t want to leave him.

I don’t want to leave her.

But I have to.

I know what I have to do.

Goodbye, Paul.

Goodbye, Emma.

No. They deserve more than that.

Goodbye, Dad.

Goodbye, Mom.

I hope you two live the life you deserve, one free of turmoil.

…

I take my spot, center stage. It’s funny, dreading the thing I once loved.

And then, my fellow cast members the infected people enter.

Are they really people? 

It’s sickening, watching whatever it is take control of these once living people and use their bodies as it’s own little puppets, acting out its little story, spreading its message to those who’ll hear.

It whispers to me the promise of acceptance, murmurs of the praise I so desperately crave, mutters of the validation I have been missing, mumbles filled with sweet nothings and promises of the intimacy and love I seek.

It’s tempting.

It’s oh so tempting to give into its words, to allow it to scoop me up in its arms, to warm me with its loving embrace, to finally feel like I belong for once in my life.

To feel loved.

I want to be loved.

I want that more than anything.

And its promising me that.

But it’s lies.

It just wants me to be apart of it.

It doesn’t love me.

I am not loved.

I know that.

…

But maybe I am.

It tells me we’ll be family.

And I realize I already have one.

I am loved.

I am cared for.

I am accepted.

I don’t deserve any of it, but I am.

My father has done so much for me.

My mother has done so much for me.

My friends have done so much for me.

Paul has done so much for me.

Emma has done so much for me.

I don’t deserve this.

I love them dearly.

It says they don’t, for allowing me to die like this.

But it has to be done.

Someone has to die for everyone to be happy.

Besides, I want to die, right?

Isn’t that what I want?

I want to die.

I just could never find an out.

So I’d rather it be me.

I never really mattered that much, anyway.

…

It wants me to sing. I don’t want to.

…

It’s forcing me to sing. I don’t want to.

…

It’s making me throw my heart out onto a sliver platter, displaying the contents for the world to see. I don’t want to.

…

Is it torturing me? Forcing me to watch as it kills me from the inside out? Forcing me to watch my walls crumble, my integrity crash to the ground, and the mask of happiness I had carefully crafted for 8 years crack and break?

…

No.

…

It wants me to preform.

Preform for my final time alive.

Something personal, something grand, something flashy, something explosive for my final performance.

Fine.

I’ll give it exactly what it wants.

I want to die anyway.

…

It wants to stop me.

I won’t let it.

I want to die.

No.

I wanted to die.

But I found something worth living for.

I found somebody worth living for.

Two somebodies, actually.

And they’re worth dying for.

My life never mattered.

But theirs do.

Let them live.

God, help me out.

I’ll let it out.

[our-time-is-now]

September 2, 2019: Maybe suppressing it wasn’t the best thing to do?

(previous play)

You can find more information about the authors, translators, content warning and additional information about the plays in the pinned post on our blog. 

 Attention! This play includes transgender topics. For more details see our interjection.

Monday, 9:42 am:

WhatsApp, David/Matteo:

David (09:42): I cleared the breakfast table and did the dishes and now I miss you. But I guess I’ll get through it… somehow ;-) I know, I already told you, but I wish you a good start and I’m thinking of you. I’m curious to hear what you have to tell me about it tonight! Don’t let anybody flirt with you :-P See you later!

Matteo (09:44): I’m sitting in the subway and I miss you. I’m nervous somehow… But I’ll just think about the fact that I’ll see you when the day is over and then it’ll be okay. And hey, I can’t control that, I can only promise you not to flirt back ;-) See you later :*

David (09:50): I understand that you’re nervous. That’s somehow normal, isn’t it? I’m sure tomorrow it’ll already be better. Or over the course of the day. It’s nice that you don’t want to flirt with anyone. Maybe you should also mention every 30 minutes that you have a great boyfriend whom you love above anything ;-) Just so everyone knows and nobody gets any ideas… I’ll go unpack the rest of my clothes… there’s not much left. We shouldn’t have unpacked so much yesterday so that I would have more to do today… I hope you have a lot of fun! See you later!

Matteo (09:52): I’m there now and I’ll go inside in a minute. So only a quick reply: Good luck with unpacking and with passing the time, I’ll be in touch in my break :*

David (10:22): I know you’ll only read this later, but is it okay if I rearrange the stuff on the shelf a little differently? If I mix our stuff a little? I think that’ll look better… or should we rather keep everything separated?

David (10:38): You know what I just noticed? I’ve never(!) been at the flatshare all by myself… and now that I realize it it’s somehow really weird…

David (11:14): Well I just put everything into the shelf how I wanted to. If you don’t like it, then I’ll rearrange it again.

David (11:47): I’m almost done with unpacking the boxes. It’s still more than 6 hours until we see each other again. What did I do before I had you?

David (12:01): The post guy rang. I accepted a package for our upstairs neighbors. And I didn’t know if that was okay. Was that okay? Do we like them? Or are they stupid and we don’t accept any packages for them?

David (12:15): When did you say your break was?

Matteo (12:37): Finally on my break! And 6 messages from my boyfriend, what a reward. So one thing after the other: Of course you can rearrange the shelf, you can rearrange everything the way you want to. If I don’t like it, then I’ll just put it back again ;-) Did you get used to being at the flatshare all by yourself? You can loudly call “Hello Ech” and see what happens ;-) And I don’t know what you did before you had me. I know what I did before I had you: I smoked weed and played video games. I don’t know if that’s the best recommendation. :-) And haha, yes, the upstairs neighbors are okay. Well it could actually be three different apartments, but they’re all okay. And what are you doing now? Did you already eat? Everything’s okay here, by the way. Kay gave me another introduction, explained the house rules, introduced me to a few colleagues. I’ll start at the café at 1 pm and then I’ll continue from one thing to the next… we’ll see. I’m already looking forward to tonight… I think I forgot what you look like, you should send me a photo ;)

David (12:45): Yeah! A sign of life! Nice! :-) I’m slowly getting used to the empty flatshare - earlier I even briefly considered leaving the door open while peeing… but then I closed it out of habit, after all. But playing video games really is a good idea. Or sketching. I used to do that in the past. But I’m no longer sure if that’s even fun if you’re not sitting next to me making some weird comments… but I’ll give it a try. I haven’t eaten yet. I wanted to bring some empty boxes to the basement in a minute so that they won’t stand in the way anymore and then I wanted to go shopping. Do you need anything in particular? Should I buy you a after-work-beer or something? Your day actually sounds quite chill so far. I hope it’ll stay that way. Is everyone being nice to you? Has someone already flirted with you? I’m also really looking forward to tonight! *sends a photo of him looking very sad and below it it says: “I miss you!”* *immediately adds* And what did you look like again? Did you change over the last three hours?

Matteo (12:49): *smiles when he gets the photo and immediately saves it in his David-file* *then answers* Thank you for the beautiful photo. Peeing with an open door sounds great, you should just do it next time :) And yes, you should sketch, you can just imagine that I’m there making some stupid comments, I’m sure that’ll work… I don’t think that I need anything from the store, there should still be some beer left, you should check how much is left from the move. And yes, everyone is really nice and keeps telling me that I should always ask if I have any questions and so on… And no, miraculously enough no one has flirted with me yet, I can hardly believe it, either :-P *then sends a photo where he pouts and underneath it says: “ I miss you more!”*

David (12:55): I’ll test the peeing thing later… and in case anyone should come home early then I’ll just tell them that it was your idea ;-) I’m happy that everyone’s being nice to you. Although I would have been surprised if that weren’t the case! I’m sure it’ll get excited again later once the kids arrive. I hope you’ll get the chance to have some coffee and that you won’t have too much to do straight away. I’ll think of you when I sketch something! I promise! And when I go to the basement… and shopping… and the bathroom… and all the time, anyways! Anytime and any place! See you later, tesorino! <3<3<3

Matteo (12:58): Of course, it’s always my fault, that’s okay. Okay, I have to get going again, let Iris show me the café and everything. Hopefully I’ll also be able to have some coffee along the way. I don’t know how often I’ll be able to check my phone, but feel free to text me, I’ll just be happy whenever I look at it… Mi manchi, tesorino <3

David (13:34): I’ve just been to the basement and your bed actually would have fit in there, as well… at least since the second table is also in the kitchen. But I think it’ll be better taken care of at Alex’. It’s warmer there and it smells better. And it can talk to my stuff. Now I’ll go peeing again (yes, with the door open) and then I’ll go shopping… anche tu mi manchi!

David (14:02): *sends a photo of an apple that looks like a heart* I just had to think of you… <3

David (14:04): Oh and I just remembered: We already have half of our separation behind us! Yippieh!

David (14:37): There’s still no one here. I just made coffee and put the groceries away. Now I’m sitting in /our/ room (yes, I admit - at first it said “in your room”) on our bed and I’ll sketch a little in a minute… somehow the thought that for now every day will be like this is a little weird… that for now, we’ll be separated for so long every day. I don’t even remember this anymore. It’s so nice to always have you around. And now we’re faced with stupid reality… pfff… but we’ll somehow get used to it… and then be the more happy about it when we’re back with each other again.

David (15:23): *sends a photo of a sketch of him sitting on the bed sketching and Matteo lying next to him commenting on his sketch* *adds* I imagined that you were lying next to me… <3

David (15:42): The One by Kodaline is another song that fits us… sappy but nice. <3

David (16:20): Yeah! Hans is back from work! I’ll have a coffee with him now! And in a little more than two hours, you’ll finally be back here again with me!

David (18:00): YOU'RE DONE!!! So? How was your first day? Hurry up! I’m yearning for you!

Matteo (18:11): God, Schreibner, 8 texts, that’s embarrassing, one could think you miss me or something ;-) I’m at the stop now waiting for the city train. Should be here in 3 minutes and then a 17-minute ride and then a 5-minute walk and I’ll be there. But your afternoon sounds nice, the sketch looks great and the apple is very sappy. So it fits us :) What did you buy? Should I cook something for us when I’m home? I’m hungry… surprisingly enough. See you soon <3

Matteo (18:16): I’m on the train and there’s this guy opposite me who keeps looking over in a weird way. I thought I’d better keep myself busy with my phone…

Matteo (18:18): Oh and I don’t know The One you’ll have to show me later…

David (18:24): Dude, Florenzi - 3 texts within 17 minutes… you’re almost worse than I am :-P I bought all kinds of things. Only delicious stuff - and the apple. I figured we could do with some vitamins… Good thing that you’re hungry! So am I! But you don’t have to cook anything today… See you soon! :-*

Matteo: *has still read David’s answer but didn’t reply* *arrives at the flatshare around 6:40 pm and slightly runs up the stairs* *unlocks the door and immediately thinks that he can smell something* *wonders if Hans has cooked* *closes the door and was just about to call out when David already comes out of the kitchen* *beams automatically* Hey… *reaches him with two steps and hugs him* *presses his nose against his throat and breathes him in* *murmurs* Missed you!

David: *even though Hans has offered to help him, he had insisted on making a casserole all by himself and thought that it was nice that Hans retreated to his room to give the two of them some alone-time* *had been sitting in front of the oven for a while observing the casserole* *had tried how it tasted beforehand and thought it tastes quite good* *hopes that the taste doesn’t change too much in the oven* *eventually sets the table and puts out a beer for Matteo and a glass of water for himself* *then hears the front door at around 6:40 pm and feels his heart skip a beat because he’s so happy that Matteo is back again and also because he’s a little nervous to find out what Matteo will say to the food he prepared* *walks toward him and sees him beam* *can’t help but to beam back and holds Matteo in his arms less than a second later* *presses him close and kisses his neck* *makes a grumbling sound of pleasure and murmurs* So did I… *then moves away from him a bit and tenderly kisses him on the mouth before he lets go of him and takes two backwards steps into the kitchen* *is a little nervous now, after all, and points at the oven* *grins slightly and then says a little proudly* I cooked!

Matteo: *gets a kiss and actually wanted another one, but isn’t fast enough because David has already moved two steps away from him* *follows him into the kitchen and looks at the oven* *then hears David’s words and gapes at him* YOU cooked? Awesome! *squats in front of the oven and looks inside* Pasta casserole? *gets up again and grins at him* Thank you, now I’m really excited… *pulls David close again because he didn’t have him close for way too long, and wraps his arms around his waist* *tilts his head and grins slightly* How much longer does the food take? Do we still have some time?

David: *laughs quietly* Yes, awesome! *says a little teasingly* You and Laura weren’t there so no one could stop me… *lets Matteo pull him close again and wraps his arms around his neck* *slightly tilts his head and thinks, but then nods with a slight grin* We still have some time… *then kisses him again, this time a little longer, and squeezes him closer* *eventually murmurs in complaint* 9 hours are really long… do you have to go back there tomorrow?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* I’m very curious… if it’s good then you’ll always have to cook for me during the week now. *grins slightly and grins even more when he says that they still have time* *kisses him back and wraps his arms around him a little tighter* *immediately shakes his head at his question* No, I’ll quit tomorrow… *kisses him again and then a little longer once again* Or I’ll demand that you can come with me… then you’ll have to quit university, of course, so that you can come with me.

David: *laughs again quietly* Always!? Well, we’ll see… otherwise you might forget how to cook for yourself or something like that… *nods happily when Matteo says that he’ll quit tomorrow* Hmm… I’m all for it! *returns his kisses and plays a little with his hair* *grins slightly at his suggestion, humms in agreement and kisses him again* I will… *kisses him again and then says* Or you’ll just work from 10 to 2 and I’ll come with you and I’ll go to university from 2 to 6 and you’ll come with me in turn… *kisses him for longer again and then puts his forehead against Matteo’s* *enjoys it that he’s back again, but now asks more serious and with interest* Did you have a nice day?

Matteo: *grins slightly at David’s counterproposal* Sounds sensible, we’ll do that. *kisses him back and closes his eyes for a moment when their foreheads touch* *but then pulls back a little when he hears his question and nods slightly* Yeah, it was good, but also a lot… I was pushed around a lot, but that’s just how it is at first… on Wednesday I have to work earlier because Sannik is going to take me with him… the café shift was quite cool, somehow there’s always something going on there and there are a lot of different people there… *then hears a timer and looks at the oven* Should I take it out?

David: *listens to Matteo and smiles slightly* *was just about to answer him when the timer goes off* *shakes his head at his question and kisses him again* I’ll do it… why don’t you sit down… *lets go of him and grabs the pot holders to take the casserole out of the oven* *says in the meantime* But it’s somehow normal that it’s a lot at first… I’m sure it’ll get better over the next few days… *plates the casserole on the plates he had already taken out of the cabinet* What kind of people were there? And how did the teenagers react when they met you? *carries the plates to the table and grins slightly* *asks teasingly* Did one of them already flirt with you? *sits down and grabs his cutlery*

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Oh, the full service… not bad… *then sits down on the spot where there’s already a beer* *thinks when he hears his question* All kinds of people… apparently there are two, three groups who are regulars and come in pretty often… but today only one of them was in, but they all were really nice and introduced themselves and so on… *then laughs and shakes his head* No, nonsense… no one did… *then also reaches for his cutlery* And I also don’t think that they will…

David: *listens to him again and smiles* Sounds really nice… *then hears that no one has flirted with him and laughs quietly* Or you just didn’t notice… that can happen… it already happened to me… *briefly looks at the food and then at Matteo* Well then… enjoy… and to your first official day of work! *puts the first bite onto his fork and adds with a slight grin* And to us, because we managed to survive the first nine hours of being separated… *blows on his noodles and then puts them in his mouth* *thinks that it actually tastes pretty good, but still steals a glance at Matteo and waits for his verdict*

Matteo: *laughs quietly* Yes, that can happen… when you come visit me, then you can tell me… *smiles slightly and leans over again to kiss him* Enjoy, and thanks for cooking… *then also puts the first bite onto his fork and then hears David’s words* Oh yes… it was really tough… but I guess that’s good training for the weekend… *grimaces slightly when he thinks about it* *but then takes the first bite and was about to smile when he sees that David is watching him* *therefore stays serious and looks at him* Well, this is… *slightly shakes his head, but then grins, after all* ...really delicious! *immediately eats a bigger bite*

David: *nods with a slight grin* I will do that… and I’ll introduce myself to everyone as your boyfriend! *then smiles when he kisses him again and when he thanks him* *shrugs slightly* I thought to celebrate the occasion… *also grimaces when he mentions the weekend and groans quietly* *murmurs* I want to suppress that thought until Thursday, okay? *then watches Matteo when he puts the first bite into his mouth and looks skeptical when he stays so serious* *but then sees him grin and hears that he likes it and gives him the secretary’s-office-look, because he kept him in suspense like that* *murmurs* Ass… *but quickly looks peaceable again and adds* But it’s nice that you like it… maybe I’ll really do that more often from now on… *also puts another bite into his mouth and then asks* And did you already see any workshops or courses or anything?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* Just to make sure… *nods immediately when he says that he wants to suppress thinking about the weekend* Yes, I would also like to… *then laughs again when he calls him an ass* No, really, it tastes great! *grins and nods* Sure, do that… I’m happy if there’s food on the table when I come home… *puts another bite into his mouth and nods at his question* *chews and swallows* Well most courses are on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, but today the ‘Youths’ had an unscheduled meeting, that are all LGBT guys up to 19 years, and it’s lead by Ines and Jana, but Jana is a volunteer…

David: *is quite glad that Matteo also still wants to suppress thinking about the weekend and then really quickly pushes it aside* *is really happy that Matteo likes the food and hopes that now he’s allowed to at least sometimes help with cooking when he wants to* *but usually likes their separation of chores and that Matteo usually cooks* *therefore pffs slightly at his macho comment and says* More often isn’t always… every now and then… if I feel like it… and miss you especially much… or something… *then listens to him when he keeps telling him about Lambda and realizes that somehow this is a completely different kind of conversation they are having - that right now, Matteo is really telling him about his day and what he experienced* *briefly imagines what it will be like when he’s in university, as well, and when they can tell each other about their days in the evening and smiles at the thought that they then will really have something like an everyday-life together* *but then quickly concentrates on Matteo again and nods at what he told him* And were you also there today? What kinds of things are they doing there? Or do they just talk and hang out?

Matteo: *laughs slightly* That was only a joke… I can also still cook when I come home from work… or can bring takeaway or whatever… *then nods slightly at his next question* Yes, but not for thaaat long, only in the beginning… and yes, they are doing a lot of different things, sometimes they only hang out, sometimes they have specific topics that they are talking about, sometimes they cook or go to the movies or do other things together… *takes another bite* I think the main thing about all of these courses is to be together with likeminded people…

David: *grins slightly* Bringing takeaway also sounds nice… we just can’t do that too often… otherwise it’ll get too expensive… *listens to him when he tells him about the group and smiles slightly* That sounds cool… having something like that… a group of likeminded people. *has to think about the fact that he never had that - that he didn’t even know anyone gay or lesbian, because in Lychen and Fürstenberg they either didn’t exist or they didn’t dare come out - and that knowing a real person with similar problems might have done him some good* *takes another bite, chews and then says with his mouth half-full* I should have made use of the time today to take a closer look at their homepage… *swallows* What else is there? Only such general groups or also more specific ones? Like groups only for gays… or something like that?

Matteo: *nods when he says that it sounds cool* Yes, it is, I think… well there’s also a group for older people, but they meet up later… there’s one only for female bisexuals, the BiChicks, and then there’s one for trans youth, the Transformerz… *smiles slightly* I’d like to meet the person who came up with the name. They always meet up on Mondays and Fridays at 6:30… *takes another bite and then says* There’s nothing only for gays, at least I didn’t see anything in the program… most of them are also led by volunteers, especially the ones who meet up later in the day…

David: *listens to Matteo and grimaces in amusement when he mentions the name of the trans group* Transformerz?! *laughs* Oh God… *shakes his head and finds the name very horrible* *still hears the rest of what he tells him, but his thoughts are somehow still with the trans group* *nods and humms when Matteo finishes* *swallows down his bite and then asks hesitantly* And in the trans group… *slightly shakes his head because he’s pretty sure that Matteo can’t tell him too much about it yet* *therefore starts again* Hmmm… you probably don’t know too much about it, yet, either… well, how many people are in this group… and if there are more ftms or more mtfs or something… *briefly lowers his gaze and then laughs quietly* *grimaces slightly and then asks* Does it somehow sound stupid if I tell you that I really would like to meet someone who’s also trans? I mean, live… and not just via the internet… *puts another bite into his mouth and then shrugs and says* Maybe I should check it out…

Matteo: *laughs* Yes, I also find it… meh... *then looks at him when he’s interested in the trans group* *smiles slightly* *says almost apologetically* No, sorry, I don’t know any of those things, yet… but have a look at the homepage, I think there’s also an email address, I’m sure you could also write them… *immediately shakes his head at his question* Doesn’t sound stupid at all… before I met Hans, I’ve never met anyone gay, either… or well, not that I was aware of… *then grins broadly when he says he should go there* Yes, totally, do that… you’ll have a whole bunch of trans people there and you can pick the cool ones to become friends with…

David: *nods when Matteo says that he doesn’t know anything about the trans group yet* *already thought so* *grins slightly when he says that before Hans, he’s never met anyone who’s gay and says* Well, with most gay people… or many people from the LGBT+ community in general, you can’t really tell… *takes a sip and nods again* *then laughs quietly* Well, I wouldn’t necessarily go there to make friends with anyone… that would be more of a cool side effect. But it would be nice to just exchange experiences… or to see what doctors the others have and stuff like that… *stabs a few more noodles onto his fork* But if the group is on Fridays, then I guess I’ll postpone this to sometime after the mastectomy… *realizes once again how quickly all of this is happening now - this Friday, Matteo won’t be here, and the Friday after that is already the date of the mastectomy* *but now prefers to quickly change the subject instead of thinking about that* And do you already know what’s planned for tomorrow?

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, sure… but just no one where I knew about it… *then grins when David plays it down* Yes, I get it… just how others feel… I’d also be interested. *then nods when he says that he’ll postpone it until after the mastectomy* Yes, once you recuperated… then you can also immediately talk about it if you want to. *shakes his head at his question* No, not really, Kay said that tomorrow, there’ll be a few people from the team there that weren’t there today and he wants me to accompany some of them… so I’ll see… *takes a big bite*

David: *humms in agreement when Matteo says that he can talk about the mastectomy and keeps eating* *can’t really imagine telling strangers about it but thinks that it might be different if the people are also trans… that some of them might also already have had their mastectomy or some of them might also want to do it* *smiles slightly when Matteo tells him about his not-so-real plan for tomorrow and takes a sip before he answers* But that also sounds quite chill for now… *then looks at him lovingly, because he realizes once again that Matteo has started work and that he has already finished his first day* *realizes that he’s really a little proud of him and eventually asks quietly* And did your nervousness subside over the course of the day?

Matteo: *nods immediately* Yes, I think so, too… to first get a bit of a feel of what goes on there during the day and such… *takes a big bite and then has to chew and swallow first before he can answer* *washes it down with a big gulp of beer* Well, that really went quite well… Kay also immediately noticed and told me that it’s totally normal if you’re nervous on your first day, but that I don’t have to worry, that everyone’s nice and will answer questions and so on… *shrugs one shoulder and grins* And it’s true… *then takes the last bite from his food and leans back* And what about you? Is my… umm… our room completely rearranged and redecorated now? *grins slightly*

David: *also nods* Exactly… and that won’t be much different during the next few days… until you have an idea of how things are done and so on… *then listen to him and is happy that the nervousness disappeared over the course of the day* *smiles* I’m happy for you - that sounds really good… *then sees that he has finished his food and points at the oven where the casserole is* Do you want more? I’m afraid I made too much… *grins very broadly when he also slips up when it comes to talking about their room* *shakes his head and says with a grin* /Our/ room looks good… almost like it did this morning… only with fewer boxes and fuller shelves and desks… I still have some stuff lying around on the desk… especially the sketches that were up in my old room. I’ll have to see what I’ll do with it. I really need a new folder to store them - my old one is pretty full. Maybe I’ll go into town tomorrow to buy a new one… *also pops the last bite of food into his mouth*

Matteo: *grins slightly when he says that he’s happy* Thanks, yes, I hope I’ll quickly be able to get the gist of it… *then looks at the oven and considers briefly* No, maybe later… and if not, then the others would surely also be happy about food… *listens to what he tells him and nods* I want to have a look at it in a minute… but hey, you can also hang up some of it or so… you always said that my walls are so bare… *drinks another sip of beer* You do that… kill some time… *smiles slightly*

David: *nods and shrugs* Hans already ate… he said he can only eat some bread in the evening if he already ate at the cafeteria for lunch because there are some secret fats in the cafeteria food that are bad for his figure or something… *hasn’t really been listening to Hans and instead only nodded in understanding* And Linn and Laura want to go see a movie - they’ll surely eat something on the way… but I’ll just put it in the fridge… then we’ll finish it tomorrow… *nods when Matteo says that he wants to have a look at the room and then briefly gnaws on his bottom lip at his suggestion* *nods hesitantly* Yes, true… they are… but I didn’t want to just hang up things… *slightly shakes his head* You can have a look later if you like some of it and then we’ll think about where to put it together?

Matteo: *nods at his information about the roommates* I see… oh, the way I know me, I’ll be hungry again in an hour… *then looks at him a little confused* Huh? Why not? *also shakes his head* Hey, that’s also your room now, and I want you to feel at home there and that you decorate it… and if there’s something I don’t like, then I’ll tell you… but of course you can just hang up things… *briefly thinks about if there are any exceptions* You’re just not allowed to take down your gift from above the bed… and if you want to put up naked women or something, then we also might have to talk again for a moment…

David: *looks back confused when Matteo looks confused* Well because… *then stops because the only argument he can think of is that saying they are Matteo’s walls doesn’t count any longer* *realizes that it’s apparently difficult for him, after all, to fully realize it* *smiles slightly at Matteo’s next words and nods slightly* *says quietly* Okay… I’ll trust you that you’ll tell me if there’s something you don’t like… *smiles even more when he says that he isn’t allowed to take down his gift and nods* *then laughs loudly at his last thought* Oh damn… now I don’t know where to put all my posters of naked women… maybe Hans wants to have them… *leans forward and kisses him briefly* *asks quietly against his lips* What am I supposed to do with naked women when I have /you/, huh?! *moves away again and grins slightly* *then reaches for their plates and collects them to wash them later* *is quite glad that he has already cleaned up the chaos from cooking and that now he really only has to clean the plates and the cutlery so that they’ll have more time to themselves later*

Matteo: *grins when he agrees with him* You can do that… *then laughs slightly* Hans will surely want them… or Abdi… hey, Abdi for sure. *then grins into the kiss and then shakes his head* Charmer… *sees him get up and clear the table* *also gets up and helps him carry everything to the sink* I can do the dishes… you already cooked…

David: *grins when Matteo mentions Abdi and nods in amusement* True! So /if/ I had countless posters of naked women, /then/ I’d surely give them to Abdi. *laughs quietly* We better not tell him - otherwise he’ll be sad that he won’t get any… *smiles when Matteo helps him carry the stuff to the sink and offers to help* *lets water into the sink and slightly shakes his head* It won’t take long… you can already cover the casserole and put it in the fridge... *then looks at him and lightly bumps his shoulder against his* *realizes that he’s really yearning for him and that he has to catch up on some physical contact and is already looking forward to their time in their room soon*

Matteo: *laughs* Yep, but this might be an idea for his next birthday… *looks skeptical for a moment and considers arguing with him about doing the dishes, but then drops it* *gets the tin foil out of the cabinet and covers the casserole* *then puts it in the shelf of the fridge that now has the post-it “Matteo + David” on it* *then steps behind David, who’s still doing the dishes, wraps his arms around him and puts his head onto his shoulder* *can see that he only has the cutlery left to clean* *kisses his throat and grumbles slightly pleasantly* *says quietly* Let’s go to bed soon?

David: *starts doing the dishes and, out of the corner of his eyes, watches Matteo cover the casserole and put it into the fridge* *then feels his arms around his stomach and slightly leans against him while he cleans the cutlery* *is tempted to close his eyes when Matteo kisses his neck and also grumbles quietly and pleasantly* *nods at his question and puts the cutlery on the sink to dry* *just stays in Matteo’s arms for a moment, but eventually grabs the dish towel from next to the sink and dries his hands before he turns around in Matteo’s arms* *leans his forehead against Matteo’s and now really closes his eyes for a moment* *then kisses him tenderly onto his mouth and quietly asks again* Bed?

Matteo: *smiles slightly when David stops a little and holds him a little tighter* *also closes his eyes when David turns around to him* *tenderly kisses him back and nods immediately* Yes, please! *slowly pulls away from him and leads the way to their room* *takes a look around and then turns around to him with a grin* Looks good… like you have been living here for months… *pulls him close and kisses him again* *then pulls away again to take off his shoes and drops down onto the bed*

David: *smiles when Matteo agrees to the bed-plan and follows him to their room* *grins slightly when he looks around and then hears his comment and lifts his eyebrows in amusement* That’s what I’ve actually been doing… the only thing that was missing were a few personal things… *briefly wraps an arm around his hip when he pulls him close, returns his kiss and nudges his nose against his before they pull apart again* *closes the door and laughs quietly when he drops down onto the bed at the same time Matteo does* *then scoots up so that his head is a little higher and holds his arms out for Matteo* *waits for him to cuddle close, then kisses his hair and asks* And what do you think how long it will take us for our yearning-batteries are recharged again?

Matteo: *immediately crawls into David’s arms and puts his head down on his throat* *grumbles pleasantly* Hmmm… at least one hour… if not two… *wraps one arm around David’s middle and kisses his neck* *then just stays like that for a moment before he quietly says* It was really weird so completely without you… when I was at the café, one of the teenagers told a joke and I immediately turned around to see if you’re also laughing… *laughs quietly* Now I don’t even remember the joke…

David: *wraps his arms around Matteo and also grumbles pleasantly* At least one, two hours, I’d say… *runs his hand through his hair and kisses his forehead* *then closes his eyes and enjoys having the familiar closeness and the familiar Matteo-smell back* *listens to him when he starts talking and nods slightly when he says that it was weird today* *can understand that* *smiles slightly when he tells him about the teenager and squeezes him a little closer* *murmurs quietly* I’m sure I would have also laughed… *then admits* I’m no longer used to the quiet when I sketch… I mean, it’s not like you usually chatter all the time… but you just sometimes laugh if you read something funny… or you’re happy if you manage a level or you huff quietly if you screw up a level… or sometimes you just reposition yourself on the bed… I never noticed how much of a difference those small sounds make and show me that you’re there… I only noticed that today when they were no longer there… *really felt like he was alone for the first time in a long time and realized that this fact bothers him much more than it used to*

Matteo: *laughs quietly when he says that he would have laughed* I think so, too… *then listens to him when he tells him that he misses the small sounds* *can somehow understand that* *then remembers that David didn’t have a problem with being alone before they got together* *feels this pleasant tugging and turns his head a little so that he can kiss him properly* *says quietly* I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to huff… and that you can no longer be alone because of me… *kisses him again and then smiles slightly* Although, no, I’m not sorry for the latter…

David: *slightly moves towards Matteo when he realizes that he wants to kiss him and returns the kiss* *then grins slightly when he apologizes that he didn’t huff, but then gets more serious again and slightly shakes his head at his addition* *tenderly cards through his hair when he kisses him again and then also smiles when he takes his apology back* *swallows slightly and then says quietly* And you don’t have to… you just showed me pretty quickly that being alone is actually pretty crap… *then turns a little more toward him, so that he can look at him better, and tenderly runs his hand over his side* *finally says with a slight chuckle* Maybe I’ll record a few of your noises soon and play them when you’re not there…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he says that being alone is crap* I think so, too… *wraps his arm around him again when he turns to him* *then laughs at his suggestion* That’s a little creepy… but if it helps then do it… *grins slightly and kisses him again, simply because he’s on withdrawal* But then I also want messages from you that I can listen to when I miss you too much…

David: *laughs quietly when Matteo says that this is creepy and shrugs one shoulder* No idea if it’ll help… but it’s worth a try… *grins slightly when Matteo kisses him again and then also kisses him* *then sighs quietly because right now he finds it so nice that Matteo is with him again* *nods with a slight grin when he hears his demand* You’ll get that… I’ll start tomorrow! I’ll take turns with sending you voice messages and written messages… *tenderly puts a hand on his cheek and briefly kisses him again before he asks quietly* Do you think we’ll get used to it quickly… that we won’t be together as much anymore?

Matteo: *grins slightly* Very nice… *kisses him back and runs his hand a little along his side* *then sighs at his question* Don’t know… it sucks somehow, because I actually don’t want to get used to it… but on the other hand, it’ll just be a big part of our daily life from now on… *looks at him and pouts a little* What do you think?

David: *nods at Matteo’s answer, because he knows exactly what he means* *smiles slightly when Matteo pouts and runs his hand over it to wipe it away* I don’t know… *briefly closes his eyes and sighs briefly* I don’t want to get used to being so happy to have you back… and I want us to continue to text each other so much when we don’t see each other… and that we’re thinking of each other… but… no idea… I think I also want that the yearning won’t stay that strong that you can barely think of anything else… *slightly shakes his head* Maybe I just felt like this today, because I’m really not used to it anymore… and because I didn’t really have anything important to do. Maybe it’ll get better when uni starts and we both have our everyday life… *grins slightly, kisses him again and says* Because that actually doesn’t feel that bad, either… being able to say that /we have an everyday life together/… *emphasizes those words especially and shrugs one shoulder with a grin* ...a little like an established couple with routines… *smiles and lets his hand slip into Matteo’s hair* ...as long as it doesn’t get too much everyday life or we somehow lose each other in it or something… but earlier, when you told me about your day… that was somehow pretty nice, wasn’t it?

Matteo: *nods slightly when he talks and when he seems to understand what he wasn’t able to voice as well* Yes, exactly… well I do want to miss you and be happy when we see each other again… but exactly, it shouldn’t be so prevalent somehow… *slightly nods again when he talks about everyday life* *laughs slightly when he emphasizes the words like that* *then grins* Yes, exactly… when we both have arrived in our everyday lives and when everything gets a little more in a routine… and we still are happy and do something and so on… *runs his hand through David’s hair and plays a little with the strands* Yes, I also found that nice… having an exchange about how our days were and what happened… *then sighs slightly and kisses him again* But I still love spending my day with you the most…

David: *is happy that Matteo seems to understand what he means and nods* Exactly! *closes his eyes for a moment and smiles when Matteo starts playing with his hair, because he somehow likes it how he sometimes totally loses himself while he does that* *humms in agreement and says quietly* Exactly. And in October, when university starts, then I’ll also have more exciting things to tell you than what happens at the flatshare over the course of the day - which is nothing, because everyone’s at work. *grins slightly, but gets more serious again when Matteo kisses him again* *feels a strong tingling of love in his stomach when he hears his next words, because the fact that Matteo feels the same makes him so happy and because it’s still unbelievable and unreal that he’s the one who can make sure that Matteo is doing good and that he’s happy* *smiles at him lovingly and says quietly* And when I can spend mine with you… *puts his hand on his cheek and suggests* The next time when we have a day all to ourselves, we’ll make something special out of it, okay? With eating in bed and movies and a lot of talking and making out and such… umm, unless you’d rather do something… then we can also do something… *briefly wonders when they might have a day all to themselves again, but stops thinking about it when he realizes that this definitely won’t be the case during the next two weeks*

Matteo: *humms in agreement when he talks about October and university* *smiles when he returns his words and tells him that he loves spending his days with him the most* That’s a good fit, then… *looks at him when he puts his hand on his cheek* *smiles at his suggestion and nods immediately* No, I don’t want to do anything… only you and I… *already wants to talk about Saturday when he remembers that he won’t be there on that day and that after that, there’s already the mastectomy* *sighs slightly* Then on the Saturday after the mastectomy… then you can’t really be very active, anyways, so we’ll spend that day in bed… *remembers that then they’ll also have to forgo sex and regrets the fact that they didn’t enjoy the last weekend they had all to themselves more consciously*

David: *smiles and nods slightly when Matteo says that they won’t do anything when they have a day to themselves again* *then hears him sigh and also sighs quietly at his words* *grimaces slightly and tenderly strokes his cheek again, but then lowers his hand and turns this head toward the ceiling in thought* *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then says quietly and a little bitterly* More likely on the Saturday when I’ll be back from the hospital… in three weeks… *sighs again quietly and then looks at him again with raised eyebrows* Three weeks… *slightly shakes his head and then says* I feel like somehow we’re moving from an absolute non-stop couple quality-time phase into a non-stop constantly missing-each-other hardly-time-for-each-other phase…

Matteo: *nods slightly when David corrects him bitterly* Yes, that’s what I meant… well I’ll also be at the hospital on Saturday, but I meant when you’re back again… *grimaces when he emphasizes the three weeks so much again* *shakes his head* No… well maybe a little… but we’ll see each other, all the time in between and as often as we can manage… *then sighs slightly* Yes okay, this weekend will be hard… but then… *looks at him and stills the hand in his hair* We’ll just make the best out of it when we see each other, okay? *also thinks that David is somewhat right, btu wants to cheer him up and doesn’t want him to feel so dejected*

David: *frowns when Matteo puts his words a little into perspective* *thinks that he’s right about it, of course, when he says that they’ll see each other as often as possible, but still thinks that it will be a huge difference to how it was before and especially how it was on their holiday* *grimaces slightly when he mentions this weekend and doesn’t really think that it will be easier afterwards because then - if at all, they’ll also only have the evenings to themselves and that he’ll have to go to the hospital immediately afterwards* *nods at his words, even though right now he feels like being apart from Matteo bother him much more than it does him* *wonders if it’s because Matteo will be busy - both now during the week as well as on the weekend - and thinks that then it’s somehow obvious that he doesn’t have as much time to miss him* *still thinks that this somehow sucks* *sighs quietly and nods again* Yes sure, of course… we’ll do that… *turns away from him and then reaches for the bottle of water next to the bed* *sits up and takes a sip*

Matteo: *sees David frown and even grimace slightly* *suddenly regrets having worded it so offhandedly and wonders if he might have angered David with it* *hears his answer and then sees him turn away and even sit up* *says softly* Hey�� the battery isn’t fully recharged yet… *sees David continue to drink and also sits up* *turns so that he’s sitting across from him and looks at him* Hey, do you think I like that? I don’t want that, either… not at all, zero, oh a negative thousand… I… *slightly shrugs one shoulder* I thought that it’s easier if I play it down…

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that the battery isn’t fully charged yet, but somehow still needs a moment to himself right now* *out of the corner of his eyes he sees that Matteo also sits up, and lowers the bottle when he sits down across from him* *hears his question and shrugs* *thinks that they never really talked about it - only briefly one time when they saw the plan - and that they managed to suppress this topic quite well over the last few days and weeks* *slowly screws the lid back onto the bottle while he listens to Matteo and suddenly feels a little relieved when he hears how little Matteo wants to go to the seminar* *then shakes his head a little at his last words and murmurs* Somehow it isn’t… *then exhales slowly and says* We never really talked about it… we always kept saying that we didn’t want to think about it just yet… but the question is when do we want to think and talk about it… I don’t know, we can’t just think about the fact that you’ll be gone for three days on Thursday or Friday night… *slightly shakes his head and looks at the bottle while he quietly admits* When you played it down just now, I thought that it might not bother you as much… and that I’m maybe making a fuss and that I should pull myself together…

Matteo: *sighs slightly when he says that this somehow doesn't make it any better* *listens to him and has to agree with him* *says carefully* Maybe suppressing it wasn’t the best thing to do? *shakes his head at his last words* But I do care… a lot… and yes, maybe you’re right, maybe we should talk about it… because I have this feeling that this will happen again in the future… that there’s a lot to do, at work for me or at university for you… *grimaces slightly* And it sucks if then we’ll only suppress it… *looks at him and then says a little hesitantly* So a round of honesty, okay? I’ll start. *takes a deep breath* I have no idea how I’m supposed to manage two nights without you. I’m scared about that the most. That I’ll be lying in this stupid bed and that I’ll miss you so much that I won’t be able to sleep.

David: *smiles slightly at Matteo’s words and shakes his head* Not really, no. *looks at him again when he says that he does care and smiles again, albeit a little sadly, because he doesn’t really want them to “suffer” like this, but because he’s also relieved because apparently Matteo sees it the same way he does, after all* *then nods when he says that this will happen again and murmurs quietly* Yes, a real everyday life… *nods again, this time a little more, and exhales in relief* *smiles when he proposes a round of honesty and nods* Okay… *looks at him and listens to him* *would love to embrace him for what he’s saying, but somehow feels like right now, the distance is doing them some good so that they can concentrate better* *instead looks at him lovingly and says quietly when he finishes* I’m also scared of the nights… and that I won’t be able to fall asleep without you… *slightly shakes his head and says hesitantly* Maybe then we can simply text each other? And before we go to bed, we’ll definitely talk on the phone again? I’d say we’ll talk on the phone until the first one of us falls asleep, but I’m afraid you won’t get a single room…

Matteo: *immediately realizes that David is also scared about the nights and now understands even more why his tactic of taking it so lightly earlier wasn’t good* *immediately smiles at his suggestion* Talking on the phone sounds good… well then I’ll just go outside and we’ll text when we’re in bed… and send each other embarrassing photos that could be used against us… *really feels a little better now, because they were able to talk about it and develop mechanisms against it* *carefully nudges against his knee* Now it’s your turn… round of honesty… let it all out…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo talks about embarrassing photos, but then says a little desperately* Yes please! And not only at night in bed! The whole day! Every hour or something… *laughs quietly and lowers his gaze a little embarrassed* Yes, okay, you maybe won’t be able to manage one every hour… but… no idea… just often… *feels that talking about it did him some good and wonders why they haven’t done this much sooner* *then gets nudged against his knee and looks up at him again* *sighs quietly when he tells him that it’s his turn now and gets more serious again* I’m scared of the scope… I mean, it’s more than 50 hours… and today I was always able to cheer myself up by remembering that you’ll be back in a few hours or minutes… I think with the normal everyday life that we’re about to face it’ll be okay at some point… we’ll both be able to manage that, I’m sure of it. There will be days where it’ll be easy and days where it’ll be difficult, but even on the days where it’s difficult you can be comforted by the fact that it’ll only be a few hours until we see each other again… but an entire weekend… with so many hours… *shrugs slightly*

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he demands a photo every hour* I’ll try my best… as often as I can manage… *slightly tilts his head and listens to him* *can understand his fear and also thinks that a weekend sounds like forever and insurmountable* *suddenly has to think about his mother, who, when he didn’t want to tidy up, used to tell him to just start with one corner* *says hesitantly* You know… maybe we shouldn’t think of the weekend as a weekend…. maybe we should just think about it in smaller sections… for example, the lunch break is in three hours, then we can talk on the phone… or in 10 minutes, I can go to the bathroom again and send you a pointless message… you know, we can break up the weekend into small sections… bit by bit… hour by hour… minute by minute…

David: *smiles slightly when Matteo says that he’ll try and that he’ll get a photo as often as possible* *frowns slightly when he suggests to not think of the weekend as a weekend, and at first doesn’t quite understand what he means* *but then smiles a little when he gets it and mulls over the thought* *smiles more when he finishes and when he’s talking about breaking it up* Breaking it up, huh… *laughs quietly and nods hesitantly* I think that would really make it easier… do you think you’ll get a schedule or something like that? Of what the day will look like? Something so that we can orientate ourselves? *would really like to have something like that, so that he can imagine at least to some extent what Matteo might be doing at that moment if he misses him too much*

Matteo: *nods when David seems to understand* Exactly, break it up… *then also smiles slightly at his question* I hope so… and if not, then I’ll just ask… they’ll surely have some agenda… I’ll take a photo of it for you… *reaches his hand out for him and manages to take his hand* So we’ll try it like that, okay? And if it’s totally stupid, then we’ll tell each other straight away, alright?

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he’ll take a photo of the agenda and nods* Yes, please! *then laughs quietly* And I’ll also make you one… of my incredibly eventful weekend! *sighs quietly and realizes that he’s slowly starting to feel a little better* *entwines their fingers when Matteo takes his hand and looks at him* *nods at his questions* We will! *then tilts his head a little and asks with a smile* Anything else for the round of truth? Anything you’re scared of, anything that sucks, anything that we have suppressed talking about?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he says that he’ll also make one* Very good, then we can coordinate the times when we’ll talk on the phone… *automatically tilts his head, as well, when David does* *slightly presses his lips together when he hears his question, because he has to think about the mastectomy* *but doesn’t know if he should mention it, because there isn’t a solution to make it any different* *but thinks that they are honest and that they said that they shouldn’t suppress it any longer* *sighs slightly* Your surgery… well I know we already talk about it… and I actually also know what’s about to happen and what the risks are and such, but… I’m still scared, and sometimes… when I think about it then I have to force myself not to think about it, because… otherwise I’ll get scared… *takes a deep breath and then adds* And I know that you’re really looking forward to it and I’m also really happy for you, but I’m still scared.

David: *nods immediately when Matteo mentions the mastectomy, because just then he realizes that this is also a topic that they are very good at suppressing and postponing really talking about* *listens to him seriously and wishes once again that he could somehow relieve him of this fear, but is pretty much aware of the fact that that’s not really possible* *slightly shakes his head when he finishes and squeezes his hand* Matteo, I don’t doubt for even a second that you’re not happy for me! The one thing doesn’t have anything to do with the other, okay? *sighs quietly and thinks about what he could say about his fear and eventually says hesitantly* And I think it's totally and absolutely legitimate to be scared. I sometimes feel like you think someone would judge you for being scared for me. But that’s not the case. And even if, then just screw them. You’re allowed to be scared! And you’re also allowed to say that you’re scared. And even though there’s no solution or cure or anything about the fear at that moment… *slightly shakes his head* … no idea… then it might be some use if you’re not alone with that fear? *shrugs one shoulder and looks at him carefully* I don’t know… is that any use? *scoots a little closer to him and tenderly runs his hand through his hair and over his cheek* *then leaves his hand there and says quietly* I’m also scared! *knows that his fear isn’t comparable to Matteo’s and also feels more happiness and disbelief than fear, but thinks that it might be important for Matteo to hear that he’s not the only one who’s scared* *therefore adds* And Laura… and my mother… and Linn…

Matteo: *smiles slightly when he confirms that he knows that he’s happy for hom* *finds it good to hear that he can separate that* *swallows slightly when he says that it’s legitimate to be scared and that it’s nothing that you have to hide* *then hears his question and slightly shrugs one shoulder* *doesn’t really know if it will help* Dunno… maybe… *presses his lips together when he says that he’s also scared and when he lists even more people who are scared* *doesn’t think that this helps him very much because the fear is his fear* *tries to put that into words* I don’t know… of course other people are also scared, I know that… but I think that doesn’t really help… that’s their fear and not mine… I just have to learn to somehow deal with my fear…

David: *tenderly strokes his cheek again, but then lets go of him again to give him the necessary space to think* *listens to him and nods hesitantly* *still takes a moment to understand what he means and asks hesitantly* And did you… *slightly shakes his head and stops, because at that moment he realizes something different* *smiles slightly and asks hesitantly* Wanting, not having to, right? Well you don’t /have/ to learn how to deal with it, you rather /want/ to, don’t you? *shrugs one shoulder* Sorry, I was somehow thinking about your grandmother… *then takes a deep breath and gets serious again* *then does pick up his question from the beginning, after all* Did you already try something? Or do you have any ideas what you might try? *thinks that suppressing and avoiding might not be the best strategy*

Matteo: *looks a little confused when he stops his question* *but then has to smile immediately when he corrects himself* True… I /want/ to learn how to deal with it… *smiles slightly* It’s okay, she’s right… *tilts his head when he then asks his question* *fumbles with the blanket with his free hand* Hmmm, well, yes, I try to rationalize it… well I try to argue with myself with logic… that statistically speaking, it’s totally unlikely that you won’t be able to tolerate the anesthesia… that the success rate of your surgeon is very high… stuff like that… *shrugs one shoulder* Sometimes it works better, sometimes not so much…

David: *smiles when Matteo laughs and agrees with him about his grandmother* *then listens to him, humms in agreement and nods slowly* *has to think about the fact that this was one of the methods that he used to utilize with his therapist and that he used to tell him that it’s all a matter of practise* Hmm, but that’s already a good start… *hesitates briefly and then says a little hesitant and disjointedly* Back then, when I was doing so badly… the weeks before I came to Berlin… I also had a lot of fears back then… and some of them weren’t really rational, either… that was the time when I wasn’t able to sleep. Then I suddenly had thoughts such as… no idea… if I go pee at school, what if they’re lying in wait for me in the bathroom… what happens if they come into the changing rooms during PE… what happens if they have connections and cause my name change and change of personal status to be rejected… and I had dreams that kept coming back… that I will no longer get a prescription for testo and that my transition goes the wrong way… or that my hair suddenly grows again and I wasn’t able to find scissors to cut them again… stuff like that… *slightly shakes his head as if to pull himself out of his thoughts* *sighs quietly and looks at Matteo* *doesn’t really want to talk about himself and therefore quickly adds why he told him about that* And back then, my therapist had a few different methods that he showed me and that we tried… *grins slightly* One of them was exercise and burning off energy… because when you exercise you don’t think that much and because you’re able to fall asleep faster if you burnt off energy and because you’re too tired to think… that’s probably not an option for you, is it? *then gets more serious again* But also relaxation methods… progressive muscle relaxation and certain types of meditation… *shrugs one shoulder* But that wasn’t really my thing because I found it difficult to really relax… but maybe it would be an option for you…? *absentmindedly unscrews the water bottle again and takes a sip* Well and one method… that actually worked quite well eventually… it’s similar to what you’re already doing, just… somehow more visual… *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then has to chuckle slightly* *slightly shakes his head* I don’t want to somehow give you therapy or anything… I’m not even able to do that, anyways… but if you want to, then I can show you… *shrugs one shoulder* Maybe it’ll also be helpful for you…

Matteo: *listens to him when he talks and would really like to hug him right now* *but can also feel that he’s actually getting at something different and that they’re not done yet* *smiles slightly when he mentions burning off energy* No, I don’t think that’s my thing… *then nods slightly when he mentions relaxation* *thinks that before he met David, he sometimes really did something like that, with music or with weed, even though that probably wasn’t the best method* *then laughs slightly when he says that he doesn’t want to give him therapy* It’s okay… *nods hesitantly when he says that he can show him* Yes, I’d like that…

David: *grins slightly when Matteo confirms that burning off energy probably isn’t his thing and murmurs quietly* I thought so… *then sees him nod at his words about relaxation, but can’t really say much on that topic and thinks that someone else would have to show that to Matteo or that he would have to do research on it* *eventually smiles slightly when he agrees that he can show him the method and can feel that he’s a little nervous and flustered, because he hopes that Matteo won’t find it stupid and that it might help him in the long run* *takes a deep breath and scoots a little closer to him so that they’re sitting cross-legged and facing each other* Okay… *looks at him* There are three steps… or phases… whatever… and you have to keep repeating them… the aim is, in the long haul, to replace the negative images in your head with positive ones… *hesitates, but then reaches for his hand, because he always found the first phase to be pretty difficult and he doesn’t want Matteo to feel a lone with it* *says quietly* Close your eyes… *waits for Matteo to close his eyes, swallows slightly because somehow he finds it so unbelievable that Matteo trusts him so much that he goes along with all of that* *quietly clears his throat and then says* And now you have to deliberately think about the thing you’re scared of… imagine your fears as images… well… no idea… an image of me lying in bed and… *stops because he doesn’t want to say it out loud* *instead says* ...well basically your worst images of what might happen… *squeezes his hand a little to signal him that he’s here and that actually everything is good*

Matteo: *smiles slightly when David also sits down cross-legged* Okay… *also looks at him* *then listens to him attentively* Three phases, okay… *looks at him in surprise when he takes his hand, but squeezes it, anyways* *immediately closes his eyes when David tells him to* *takes a deep breath and exhales and tries to relax* *but then swallows hard when he hears his first request* *thinks about David in a hospital bed, with his eyes closed and not moving* *but mostly thinks about that because David has started like that* *but realizes that this isn’t the worst, because this way, he can at least see David* *therefore thinks about a doctor that tells him that he’s in critical condition and that he can’t see David and that he isn’t able and allowed to tell him anything else* *swallows again and squeezes his eyes shut a little tighter* *nods slightly to indicate that he’s imagining it*

David: *is quiet and watches Matteo closely and a little worriedly* *sees him swallow and hopes that it won’t be too bad for him* *sees him squeeze his eyes shut after a while and would like to hug him, but doesn’t want to disrupt his concentration* *then sees him nod and says quietly* Okay… and now really imagine this image as a literal image… as a photo or poster or placard… as something that you can destroy… and then think about how you could destroy it… hmmm… you could tear it up and throw it in the trash… or burn it… or pour paint over it… or a beaver could come along and eat it… *smiles slightly and then says* But definitely something that completely destroys the image, okay? *is quiet again and gives him time to imagine it*

Matteo: *can still see the doctor in his mind’s eye who coldly and without emotion tells him one bad piece of information after the other* *needs a moment until he’s able to concentrate on David’s voice* *manages to freeze the image of the doctor and imagine it as a poster* *would normally laugh about the thing with the beaver, but is too concentrated right now* *imagines red paint that he pours over the poster* *but then thinks that this reminds him of blood and changes it to blue* *sees the blue paint run down over the image and then gives a slight nod again*

David: *watches Matteo again and gives him the time he needs* *eventually sees him give a slight nod again, but isn’t sure and therefore asks quietly* Is the image destroyed completely? *sees him nod more clearly this time and nods as well, takes a deep breath and then says* Okay… now it’s about creating a new image in your mind… now you have to think about how the image you just destroyed would have looked like if the thing had a positive outcome… What does the image you wish for that situation look like? An image you’re no longer scared of… for example, the doctor telling you that everything went well… or that I’m waking up from anesthesia and that I’m happy to see you or something like that… *slightly presses his lips together because he knows that it’s difficult to imagine a positive image if you’re actually scared, but hopes that Matteo will manage* *runs his thumb over the back of his hand almost automatically*

Matteo: *can still see the paint running down and that eventually he can no longer see the doctor* *hears David ask again and nods more vigorously* *then listens to him further and almost has to smile when he mentions a doctor, because he couldn’t actually have known that this was his image* *takes a deep breath* *feels David’s thumb and manages to imagine a doctor again* *is a little surprised that it’s the same doctor* *tries to imagine a different one but keeps going back to the first one* *tries harder and finally sees him with a more friendly and open expression* *smiles when he tells him that everything went well and that there weren’t any complications and that he can go see David now* *nods and smiles slightly*

David: *watches Matteo again and is quiet to give him time to concentrate* *eventually sees him smile and feels heart do a little jump and that he also has to smile automatically* *eventually sees him nod again and says quietly* And now try to memorize that image for a moment… *waits a few more seconds and watches him, but then has to lean forward and quickly kiss him* *whispers against his lips* That’s it… *pulls away from him again and waits for him to open his eyes again* *looks at him lovingly because he finds it so great that Matteo went along with this* *explains* That’s the method which sometimes really helped me a lot… and that’s all a matter of practise… the more often you play this out in your head, the easier it is to get to the positive images. And the goal is actually supposed to be that your brain automatically replaces some of the negative thoughts with the positive ones. But in my case, that didn’t work for all my fears… but with some of them, it did… *shrugs one shoulder again and smiles a little insecurely* Well… maybe it’ll also help you a little bit… the first step is really hard. To really visualize your fear and to not suppress it like you’re used to… *presses his lips together, because he has talked so much now and because he also wants to give Matteo the chance to get a word in in case he wants to talk about how he found that experience* *but could also understand if he can’t or doesn’t want to say too much about it*

Matteo: *memorizes the image* *then suddenly feels David’s lips on his and smiles immediately* *wets his lips a little after David leans back again and only then opens his eyes* *finds it pretty wonderful to see him* *listens to him and nods slightly* Well, I think that was good… just destroying the image already helps… *nods slightly* But the question is if it will also help in an acute situation, if I’m really scared and if I can’t just conjure up that fear like I did just now… *leans forward and lightly kisses him again* But still thanks… I think that this will help me…

David: *smiles and nods when Matteo says that the destroying helps* Exactly… *grins slightly* ...and eventually, you also get creative with doing it… there are so many ways to destroy something… *then nods again when he’s talking about an acute situation and says hesitantly* Yes, that’s why it’s important to keep practising it… so if you notice a fear coming up, then don’t suppress it and use this method instead… or just do it very consciously - even though you don’t have any fears at that moment… *smiles slightly and shrugs one shoulder* That used to be my therapist’s homework… that I should constantly imagine scary situations, even though it wasn’t acute at that moment… he said that this method has to become a routine so that you can also use it in acute situations… *sighs quietly* But oftentimes it’s really not that easy… *is talking from experience* *smiles when Matteo thanks him and tenderly strokes over his cheek when he leans forward to kiss him* *murmurs* You’re welcome… thanks for going along with it… *then wraps his arms around him so that he can’t move away again and pulls him back into a horizontal position - a little awkwardly as they are both still sitting down cross-legged* *thinks that they have been apart for long enough now* *is quiet with him for a moment and waits to see if he wants to say anything else to his fears* *in the meantime thinks about how good it felt that they talked about it - about the Voluntary-Year-weekend as well as the mastectomy, and eventually says hesitantly and quietly to also get it out of his mind* Honesty round part 4… I’m scared of the pain after the surgery…

Matteo: *also grins slightly when he says that you eventually get creative* *nods when he says something about practising and homework* I will… I want to get a better handle on it… *is happy when David doesn’t let go of him again and manages a little awkwardly to disentangle his legs so that they can lie down again* *has one arm wrapped around him and sees David lie down on his shoulder* *just enjoys lying there with him for a moment and thinks about the method and if he’ll really manage to deal with his fears better* *then hears David’s quiet words and automatically pulls him closer* *also says quietly* I can understand that… but we’re all there for you and we’ll make it as easy for you as we can manage, I promise.

David: *smiles when Matteo says that he wants to get a better handle on his fears and hopes that he’ll really manage it and that he won’t do too badly on the day of the surgery* *then puts his head down on Matteo’s shoulders and wraps an arm tightly around his chest* *humms in agreement at his words and murmurs* I know… *briefly gnaws on his bottom lip and then admits hesitantly and quietly* ...but… I don’t want everyone to see me like that… so… no idea… weak or something… I mean, with you it’s okay… really… with you I can be weak and don’t feel small in the process… but with the others it’s really difficult for me… *knows that Matteo can’t be there for him all the time because he has to work and briefly thinks about with whom else he wouldn’t have a problem with showing weakness without feeling small in front of that person*

Matteo: *sighs slightly when he says that he doesn’t want everyone to see him like that* *knows that he can’t always be there* I should have found something else… something that only starts in October… *squeezes him a little tighter and presses a kiss to his head* But you can always text me, ok? Or send me voice messages if typing is too exhausting… *humphs slightly and thinks* Isn’t there anyone else where you at least don’t mind them helping you a little?

David: *immediately shakes his head when Matteo says that he should have found something different and briefly looks up at him annoyed* Are you crazy!? What nonsense… your Voluntary Year is just as important, you hear?! *then nods at his suggestion and smiles immediately* Yes, that’s good! Sometimes just letting it out already helps… *looks at him seriously* But you have to promise me that you’ll still concentrate on Lambda and that you won’t drop everything just because I tell you that something hurts, okay? For me it’s enough to know that I can be like that with you… that I can whine… *then sighs quietly at his question and puts his head back onto his shoulder* Phew… dunno… *thinks about all the people and immediately rules out Hans and Linn, because they would probably panic immediately* *doesn’t really want to show weakness in front of Laura, either - on the one hand because right now she already tends to patronize him currently, anyways, and on the other hand, because he doesn’t want her to worry* *thinks about the friends and immediately rules out the girls* *then thinks about the boys and the fact that Carlos is out, anyways, because he also has to work and Abdi would probably be pretty helpless* *eventually says hesitantly* Jonas or Alex maybe… *shrugs one shoulder* I’ll see… *has to chuckle a little* Maybe I’ll just test who has the best reaction after my first cry of pain…

Matteo: *laughs slightly when David immediately reacts so strongly* Yeees, sure… I didn’t do that, anyways… *then nods immediately* I promise… if you promise me that you’ll really rest and that you’ll really whine at me about EVERYTHING    that bothers and hurts you, okay? *looks down to him when he doesn’t really know from whom he would accept help* *secretly guesses Alex or Carlos* *then hears that he was close* Not Carlos? I thought Carlos… oh no, he also has to work, right. *then also grins a little at his last sentence* Good tactic… but if you ask me, then you already picked two good candidates… they wouldn’t caudle you too much, but they would still be there whenever you need something.

David: *smiles when Matteo promises to still concentrate on Lambda* *then laughs quietly* About /everything/?!? *tilts his head and looks at him with a chuckle* Even if I don’t like the food or if it bothers me that it’s raining outside or that there’s nothing on the TV!? *laughs again quietly and puts his head down onto his shoulder* *was just about to tell Matteo that Carlos has to work when he asks about him, therefore simply nods* Exactly… *then nods when he agrees with him when it comes to Jonas and Alex, cuddles a little closer to him and closes his eyes for a moment* *murmurs* Let’s wait and see… maybe the pain won’t be that bad… *pushes one of his legs between Matteo’s to be even closer to him and says after some time* Let’s try to not suppress or postpone stuff like that anymore… that was good, wasn’t it?

Matteo: *laughs slightly when he hears his examples* Definitely… I want to know everything. *buries his hand in David’s hair when he cuddles even closer* *then nods slightly* Yes, maybe… but please still take it easy and rest. *wraps his other arm around David, as well* *then nods slightly at his words* Yes… that was good… better than suppressing it… *kisses his head and closes his eyes* But now let’s just lie like this for a while… and then I want another helping of pasta casserole and for you to show me the song you found…

David: *smiles when he feels Matteo’s hand in his hair* *nods against his neck when he demands again that he rests* *murmurs into his shoulder* I’ll rest. I promise! *smiles when Matteo also cuddles closer and repeats quietly* Yes, better than suppressing it… *kisses his neck and then rubs his nose over the spot* *then relaxes and nods slightly at Matteo’s words* *murmurs quietly and with a smile* Yes, sir…

(next play)

[ladyintree]

tai's brows furrow,  and she slowly shakes her head.  ❝  he wouldn't have touched me,  ❞   she quickly corrects.   ❝  he didn't,  ❞   she goes on,  wanting her to focus on that.   tai isn't concerned about herself here;  she's concerned about what mikayla is still going through,  but she has enough to worry about outside of the possibilities of what could've happened to tai.  

she smiles softly at mikayla,  and for a moment,  she can almost forget their setting.  she can almost focus on just this —  the two of them together,  content,  in love,  nothing keeping them apart.  of course reality will smack them in the face soon,  but for now,  she tries to focus on the comfort her words bring her.  ❝  you're cute,  ❞   she says quietly.   with a deep breath,  she nods her head,  trying not to think about the conditions that mikayla's forced to sleep in now,  even if in some twisted way,  it's probably an upgrade from what they had before.  ❝   I miss it too.  ❞   she hesitates for a moment,  considering telling her about her sleepwalking —  or lack thereof, really, because she knows she's likely curious.  but tai doesn't know how to bring it up,  doesn't know if she wants to breach the subject at all.   ❝  we’ll get to have that again someday, though.  and I promise to be less of a blanket hog by then, ❞   she claims,  an attempt to lighten the mood.

a small smile tugs at the corners of her lips and she nods her head back at her.  ❝  it was cute.  what you wrote,  ❞   she says quietly.   abrupt,  straight to the point—  really,  it almost made her laugh,  if it weren’t for the circumstances,  because it just felt very mikayla.   ❝  i just needed you to be sure.  i needed to know i wasn’t going to make you uncomfortable by being here,  i just—  i couldn’t imagine not seeing you.  ❞  

 her brows furrow and she lets out a scoff as she leans forward,  desperate to get closer to her in any way she can.   ❝  hey.  you are with me.   i don’t need to touch you to know how you feel about me.   i don’t even need to see you to know.   i just need to hear your voice,  or,  fuck,  even just think about it,  and i’m okay,   ❞   she assures.   because she could never forget it,  and just thinking about it will be enough to get her through it.  she just hopes the same can be true for mikayla.   ❝  i don’t want to lose you, either.   i can’t.  i can’t move on with my life without you.  ❞    even if mikayla’s still stuck here,  that won’t stop tai from being with her.   it’s all she wants to take with her from the wilderness,  the love they found out there.   she nods her head quickly to reassure her.   ❝  i hope you’re ready for a lot of letters, then.  because i’m going to have a lot to say,  ❞   she says,  still attempting to be hopeful.   

her hand squeezes hers gently,  and she nods her head quickly,  because it’s some good news even if it’s far away.   ❝  hey.  you can be,  ❞   she assures her.   ❝  i know you can.  ❞    and she genuinely does believe in her.   she knows mikayla has something to live for and she’s going to do her proud.    she watches as she brings her hand up,  her body melting into her seat slightly as she takes a deep breath.  her eyes shoot back to hers,  surprised by her words, and she starts to feeling guilty,  knowing mikayla can’t have the same.   but maybe,  they can figure that out in three years.  ❝  —- then i’ll see you there,  ❞   she says,  just wanting her to hold onto that hope,  too,  even if it’s hard to be an optimist here.    ❝  we're going to be okay, kay. i'm going to believe that. i just want you to, too. ❞ 

if only there had been a way to stop him that didn't end in a five year separation for them, that didn't mean mikayla was going to have to face contempt for the rest of her life— but she should have always known it wouldn't have been as easy as just running away, that she could never actually be free so long as he was still breathing. maybe this was the only way. “ no, ” she mumbles, shaking her head. “ i'm glad you stayed away. if he would've done anything to you— ” she doesn't let herself finish, because it's too painful to even think about. the only comfort she had in that month she spent with him was found in knowing that at least tai was safe. even if she couldn't say the same for herself, at least the girl she loved was no longer in danger, the only thing resembling to hope she had to cling to then.

mikayla doesn't know what to say, because the only thing she wants from tai is for her to be there for her, but she knows that soon enough, she's going to be busy— and that's fine, because mikayla wants tai to get everything she wanted, even at the cost of seeing her less, but she just hopes that doesn't mean tai has to leave her behind entirely. selfishly, she thinks the only way she could really get through this is if she knows tai's going to be waiting for her on the other side, that they can finally be together years from now.

she knows what she means, because it was just as difficult for her to look at herself in the mirror when she first got back, seeing how frail she'd become, all the muscle she'd prided herself on having for so long eaten away by starvation, her hair brittle and destroyed— she's done everything she could to try to repair it, and she's getting there, she thinks, though she knows the better option is just to cut it off completely and start over. it's just something she refuses to do, knowing she wouldn't be able to recognize herself if she did. “ well— you were always beautiful either way. ” but she's glad, knowing it made tai feel better, because mikayla hasn't gotten there yet with her own appearance, not when her hands have just barely healed. “ i just miss waking up next to you. ” it hurts, knowing that she's not going to get the chance for years, but she has to force herself to think of the positives, like the possibility of getting to after she's out.

her stomach twists when she notices the tears in tai's eyes, wishing she wasn't the cause of them. she shakes her head, because just like she said before, she's glad tai didn't find her, that she didn't put herself at risk; as much as she missed her, mikayla would rather her be away from her, safe, than risk the possibility of her father doing anything. “ honestly, i — i don't even remember what i wrote back to you. i just needed you to know i wanted to see you. ” and so her response was rushed, like she couldn't bear the thought of wasting another second without tai knowing that she missed her, that she needed to see her. at least it seems like she got her point across.

it feels fucking terrifying, talking about the future, because it's something they never got the chance to do before— but she wants them to be on the same page, as complicated as it is because of what mikayla had to do. she needs tai to know that she still wants to be with her, but more importantly, that she understands she's going to be focused on school, that she's not going to have much time for mikayla— and it's okay, because mikayla trusts her, because she's confident in what they have, because if it could survive out there, it has to survive here.

tears well in her eyes when tai tells her she wants to be with her, too, beyond relieved— she wants to think that she could have handled it if tai told her it would be too hard, that she can't do it, but mikayla's not sure if that's even true, but at least she doesn't have to find out. “ thank god, ” she breathes out, a tear rolling down her cheek, but she brushes it away quickly, almost embarrassed. “ i know it's going to— suck most days, and you deserve someone who could actually be there, but i just— i love you. and i don't want to lose you. ” it gives her something to hold onto here, the same way it did for her when they were out there. “ i know you're not going to have time to visit me much. that's okay. but we can— call. and write. i just want to hear about— i don't know, everything. even though i can't be there. ” she hates that she can't, because she wanted to help tai move into her dorm, wanted to bring her food whenever she was too busy with schoolwork to give herself a break, wanted to watch her succeed despite everything— but she can settle for just hearing about it, if that's all she can get.

mikayla clears her throat, looking down at their hands. “ it might not have to be five years. i have a parole hearing in... a little over three. i can get out early if i'm good. i'm going to be good. ” she's never been the best at behaving, but knowing that she's working toward something, that she's trying to get out earlier so she doesn't have to miss so much, might be just enough for her to finally manage it. she swallows hard before lifting their hands, bringing them closer to her so she could press a kiss to the back of tai's hand. “ i'm going to see you graduate. okay? i'll— do whatever i have to. ”

[ladietblonde]

Seriously, maintaining a healthy writing routine is so unchic.

Whoever said that traveling was for the elite or sugar babies or something really didn’t know how to internet. Anyone, even this poor chic girl, can work hard, save some money, max out the low-limit credit card on a flight, pay that back off, and then save more money to have a nice three week-long holiday in basically the most chic city in the world, London. It’s a simple thing to do, really, if sleeping isn’t something you really like to do that much and you find that coffee and cigarettes are your new meal/supplement of choice.

The poor chic girl works retail kay? Retail. Which means hourly wages, commission, etc. – basically a paycheque that cannot be predicted and constantly changes. Need more money? Smile at more middle-aged men and tell them that the blazer totally makes their shoulders look so broad and strong and sell more. Need a lot more money? Ask for more hours and take the store alcoholic’s Sunday morning shift, because you know she won’t want it. With this, and bi-weekly paycheques it’s just so easy to save up a good amount for being chic on another continent.

I know you’re all like, ohmigod just where do you stay for three weeks? It’s easy for me, because I have a collection of chic friends in various chic cities all over Europe and North America (and even a couple in Tokyo for when I want to be kawaii) but that’s always what you get when you’re a student who socialises on a weekly basis (aka goes to frat parties). But when you don’t have that luxury, try couchsurfing. It’s really a thing and millennials totally do it even though they’re gross and there’s this thing about not shaving but even that’s kinda chic right now right? Okay no. Poor hygiene is always unchic, but Europe’s millennials are different. They’re basically that girl parading around Greenwich in Acne and other half-known but still known Scandinavian designer clothes with that mini Balenciaga that you know is totes adorbs but you can’t afford and you just don’t know how she does until you realise that she lives in like Jersey or something. Ew. They’re basically just this poor chic girl but with blonder hair, bigger boobs, and longer legs (and a minimalist-chic apartment in a better location). Like skinny Kate Uptons who are cute and dress really well. Yeah that’s them. Basically couch surfing outside of ‘Merica is great, just be careful and don’t stay with anyone who says they love like death metal or board games because that does not mean monopoly anymore, or something gross like that. Unchic.

Finally, the poor chic girl eats only sushi, Ladurée, and anything cute (in her dreams realistically it’s soup and porridge). If all else fails, Starbucks is fine I guess, but seriously, it’s so cheap to eat out when you’re chic, because even though the places you want to go are expensive, miso soup so isn’t and neither is a handroll, or a macaron, and all of the things are so cute you want them to last forever, so your meals cost like nothing. Also champagne is like, so much cheaper in Europe so I mean, that and a pack of cheaper European cigarettes are basically the chic diet anyway so this girl never worries about her next meal (I’m just kidding seriously don’t attack me I love food I instagram it all the time).

Anyway this post basically says that I’m going to England tomorrow with £30 allowed per day which I fully intend to spend at Ladurée and on sushi and drinks and I totally think I’ll survive and keep myself chic, just please remind me why I needed to buy this $40 brick just so I can plug in my hair dryer? Ugh, so not fair English people need to look cute too right?

[thebirdandthebee]

Easy As

A Carmen Berzatto Universe

Vanessa Monaghan is the breath of fresh air that Carmen had been gasping for.

Page 4: Pastina

Vanessa was having a good day. Though the temperature was below freezing, the sun was out and it was illuminating every inch of her apartment. She’d swept the floors, dusted the baseboards, taken out the trash, the recycling and finished her last load of laundry – all before one o’clock on Saturday. She’d even washed and dried her sheets and duvet cover, which was usually feat in itself.

Standing in her closet, she was plucking out items she hadn’t worn in the last year to go to donation when her phone began to chirp.

Crossing the bedroom, she tapped on the screen.

From: Sydney

Remind me your address

Vanessa was surprised by the request, she could always have asked Carmen – it was the peak of lunch rush on a Saturday – she was sure they were together. She rattled off her address nonetheless.

A beat passed before her phone dinged again.

From: Sydney

Putting Carmen in an Uber to your place

From: Sydney

He’s come to work sick for three days and today is the worst

From: Sydney

He can’t be here and he can’t be trusted to take care of himself

Vanessa frowned. It had been almost a week since she’d seen Carmy in the flesh – he was insistent he was busy around the restaurant and helping his sister with a few things. They’d talked on the phone and texted plenty, but he never mentioned being sick.

From: Vanessa

Thanks, Syd. I’ll handle it.

It wouldn’t take long for Carm to arrive, so she set off to prepare.

If there was one thing Vanessa was good at, it was taking care of others. She pulled out her electric tea kettle, sliced lemons and placed a variety of teas on the kitchen counter. Then, she returned to her closet to grab a clean pair of Carmen’s sweatpants and a soft Cubs T-shirt she had stolen from him weeks ago, setting them out on the bed.

Just as she dropped a Vick’s vapor tablet on the shower floor, her intercom buzzed with a warning that a known guest was coming up the elevator. Pulling her hair up into a ponytail, she knew she’d have her work cut out for her.

“Hi there,” she greeted softly as she swung the door open. Carmen looked like hell. His skin was pale and clammy, his eyes were rimmed with red and his nose was tinged pink. She could tell he was exclusively breathing out of his mouth.

“I told Syd not to send me here,” he replied. Confirmed – only out of his mouth.

“Syd’s a good friend, baby,” Vanessa cooed, taking his hand and gently pulling him inside. She untied his apron while he stepped out of his sneakers, standing still with his head hung low. “Now, I’m going to make you some tea and pastina,” she began, guiding him gently through the apartment by his shoulders. “But first you’re going to strip and shower,” she added, bringing him right to the bathroom. “I want you to you use that tea tree oil body wash and make sure you stand over that Vick’s tablet and really breathe in,” she instructed. “I’ll put some of the rub on your chest when you’re tucked in.”

“Ness, I –” His eyes were puffy and his mouth began to morph into a pouted frown. They’d only been dating eight months – it was too early for her to see him this pathetic.

“I know sweetheart, just let me take care of you, okay?” She asked, hands on his chest as she pecked his cheek gently. “When you’re done, we’ll get some fluids down and I’ll make you a nice little decongestant-Tylenol cocktail,” she finished, “doesn’t that sound nice?” Vanessa pushed his unruly curls back from his face. He nodded somberly, and it gave her heart a squeeze.

“’kay,” he mumbled.

“There’s clean clothes for you on the bed,” she cooed, giving him a little love tap toward the shower before she exited the bathroom and closed the door behind her.

She waited to hear the water turn on before setting off toward the kitchen.

Vanessa grew up in a household that made pastina alongside flat ginger ale for any common illness and she’d do the same for Carm. A good fifteen minutes passed before she heard the water turn off. She was finished with lunch a few minutes later and loaded up a tray with a bowl of pastina, a mug of hot tea, an ice water and a flat ginger ale, all accompanied by a sleeve of saltine crackers. That, and a small pharmacy of over-the-counter medicine.

Entering the bedroom, she set the tray down on her vanity as Carmen pulled his sweatpants up over his hips. She grabbed a wide tooth comb from her vanity before walking over and gently running it through Carmen’s hair. She was sure she could hear him purring beneath her touch.

“Shirt on, then in bed, okay?” She whispered, reveling in the touch of his heated skin under her fingertips. “Right in the middle, get comfy with those pillows,” she encouraged. Carmen followed her instructions diligently.

In that moment, she saw a little boy in her bed, looking up at her with muted hope as she neared with a big tray of help.

After setting the tray over his legs, she arranged an extra throw around his feet – just to be safe.

“Tell me what doesn’t feel good, baby,” she cooed, rubbing up and down his blanketed leg.

“M’got a fever,” he mumbled. “My throat’s dry and I’ve been sneezing a lot – nose is all fucked up – stuffed up,” he corrected himself. Vanessa swept over to the bathroom, pulling a thermometer and box of Kleenex from her medicine chest.

“Under the tongue, please,” she said, uncapping the thermometer. Carmen obliged as she sat the Kleenex on her nightstand – still within reach, and a wastebasket just at the side of the bed.

“102.3,” Carmen read off the little digital screen.

“Okay, have you taken any Advil or Tylenol today?” Carm shook his head at her question. “No Nyquil or Dayquil?” She pressed, to which he shook his head again. She kept her annoyance at bay, he didn’t need a scolding, he needed to feel better, and it was clear he wasn’t used to someone taking care of him. “Why don’t you start sipping this?” She gently handed him the glass of ice water. She pulled together a nice little concoction of medicine that would help with the fever and stuffiness alongside a few throat lozenges. She marked the time he took the acetaminophen and how much on her bedside notepad.

Carmy began to nose at the pastina and took a few cursory spoonfuls, groaning happily.

“S’good,” he mumbled.

“Good baby,” Vanessa smiled, “eat as much as you can,” she stood from the bed. “I’m going to grab the humidifier really quick – that’s going to take the edge off your dry throat,” she explained. “Why don’t you turn on the bakeoff, huh?” She leaned over, pushing his half-damp curls back from his face and handing him the remote. “That’ll make you feel better.”

Carmen looked up at her like she hung the moon, and after the last forty-five minutes of interaction, he was sure she probably did.

She reappeared at his side a while later, plugging in the humidifier to mist right over him. It smelled like peppermint – at least, what he was able to smell through his one unclogged nostril.

With his soup mostly gone and both ice water and tea half-empty, she shifted the tray to the other nightstand, “his” nightstand.

She could see the meds doing their job, and his eyelids getting heavier by the second.

“Lay back, Carm,” she whispered, watching as he scooted further down in the bed, the intro to GBBO starting up. “I’m just gonna rub a little Vick’s to help you breathe during your nap,” she said, opening up the little container with a plastic snick.

Carmen stared up at her adoringly as she rubbed in the medicated lotion at the base of his neck.

“M’not even that tired, probably won’t sleep,” he said earnestly, and she did her very best attempt at holding in her laughter.

“You don’t think so?” She hummed softly.

“No,” he mumbled.

“Maybe you could just try for me? I’d consider it a favor,” she said endearingly.

“I’ll try for you,” he said, his eyes close enough to closing that she could see the blonde roots of his lashes. She slowly raised herself from the bed, pausing as he barely rest his hand on hers. “Ness?” He mumbled.

“Yeah Carm?” She asked gently.

“I love you,” he managed before his eyes rolled back and he succumbed all together.

“Love you, too, Carmy,” she grinned. It was the first time they’d said it to one another.

Though, she was confident he may not quite remember it this time around.

[kkoongiee]

txt reactions — they hurt your feelings ‹𝟹

prompt — every relationship has it’s ups and downs, you can work it out, right?

## angst, only kai apologizes woops % gn!reader % wc: 985 [ cursing, insecurities, txt sucks here ]

yeonjun and you had planned a date prior to this week, it was going to be one of his days completely free so he planned on spending it with you, well at least thats what you thought. it had been a good thirty minutes, which turned into an hour, then faded into three hours and you slowly started to lose hope. you had gone out and bought a new outfit, hair nicely done, and basically gone all out to look nice. the sun was down, so you just decided it’s time to go home. there were many couples on the street tonight, having fun and on dates meanwhile yours couldn’t even show up. yeonjun woke up to several texts, putting them off because he was supposed to be up like half an hour ago. he didn’t check them until hours later, finishing up another interview and having a quick break. yeonjun quite literally felt his heart drop into his stomach, your last message delivered was ‘forget it, don’t show up. i could understand you’re busy, but at least let me know before you make me wait hours for somebody who isn’t going to show up.’ he realized he hurt your feelings then, but at that moment he was also being called to come record, so he did.

soobin is usually the most loving boyfriend, he rly is just the whole package and you never rly considered urself a bother to him or anything, up until now. you had come without warning, welcomed with warm arms and it seemed he was happy to see you!! but then you heard the murmurs from beomgyu, ‘do they know you have your own life apart from your relationship?’ soobin cracking up at the remark, shaking his head. ‘i don’t think so, they seem to just be .. everywhere. it’s fine, but i just can’t stand to always have to be around them.’ suddenly you felt very embarrassed, throat tight and painful with a few tears springing to your eyes. you left your bag of stuff you had brought for soobin, hurrying to leave already. he went back to his room, expecting for you to be waiting there - empty. he noticed the bag on his bed, filled with an array of different supplements and beneficial vitamin drinks. it had a small note in the bag, ‘i know u and beomgyu have been practicing a lot!! so share with him :-)’ now soobin felt horrible, talking behind your back (which now he presumed you overheard) and you had been so sweet to care about his and his members health, while he just let you get hurt.

beomgyu wasn’t one to get upset a whole lot, definitely not at you anyways. he always took into account you were over-all a very emotional, sentimental, sappy person - this day in particular he didn’t. you two were arguing over something so little, it didn’t really matter but both of you had yet to let it go and it went on from there. ‘well i just wanted to do this one thing, but you don’t want to!’ ‘well i don’t want to do this anymore!’ and there he said it. he instantly regretted it, he couldn’t even tell what he was doing at that moment. you passed back the blanket he had pulled around your shoulders earlier, pushing it to his chest before grabbing your bag. ‘then fine, don’t.’ he reached for your hand, your own pushing it back. he let you leave, sitting back by himself wondering how he’d make it up to you.

taehyun had been gifted a bracelet from you, it was for his birthday and you had made it yourself. unfortunately today he had broke it, the bracelet snapping into two and the beads had fallen off. he told you about it, which the bracelet wasn’t hard to make really. ‘well it’s okay! it’s fine don’t worry about it, i can just make you another one.’ big mistake offering that to him. ‘no thanks, it was cheap and flimsy anyways, plus i can just do without one. i have other jewelry.’ you smiled at him, ‘oh. okay, well that’s fine too.’ you felt a little upset. you weren’t the craftiest, nor were you the best at gift giving - but you tried. so when you left the dorms, everyone else was also there waiting and could hear you guys (u both never ever closed the door plus u always talked loud) yeonjun looked at him, ‘that was .. cold.’ which taehyun was confused by, ‘you called a bracelet your partner made cheap and flimsy.’ taehyun now felt very dumb.. and very guilty.

huening kai isn’t mean like .. ever. all you guys ever do is fake argue jokingly, so it’s never serious and it’s lighthearted fun. for the most part, you two were the most cutest loving couple ever. so at first you were just trying to joke around with him after (obviously not knowing he had a rough day) and you were just going on like any other day. kai scrunched his nose at ur hands pinching his cheeks which u find cute, so you laid ur head on his shoulder. he moved his shoulder which caused ur head to slip, you whined trying to move his arm back (which u COULDNT because the boy had that shit locked in place) ‘i can’t be around you right now, at all.’ he got up quickly, leaving you to wonder what exactly you did. before you knew it you were crying because you two had never, EVER upset eachother. so after getting a breather and taking a short moment to himself, kai returns and once he notices you are upset he just wraps his arms around you instantly. no questions asked because he knows he hurt your feelings, hoping that a few hugs and kisses can make it up to you.

[mountswhore]

𝐦𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐲𝐞𝐫 — mason mount

summary: chelsea’s massage therapist, and mason’s long term crush, had moved to a different club. but after reuniting at nationals, you realise just how much you missed him.

notes: requests are open, just ask! this is so fucking long, please read when you have time.

“I will take care of you.” + “I could never get tired of you.”

for @masterclassbaby

“she’s pretty,” mason hummed, chin in the palm of his hands and eyes gazing at you. chelsea’s newest sports massage therapist. he watched as you conversed with a few of the injured teammates, the boys on either side of him laughing at his blushed cheeks.

“mounty’s in love.” chilly sang, pushing mason gently. the three of them were laying on the turf, waiting for their trainer to arrive and being introduced to the pretty lady who would be massaging their injured limbs from now on. “go on, make a move before kai does. you know he will.”

“i’m not making any moves,” mason huffed and pushed himself to his feet, ben following suit and pulling a ball towards him with his foot, “can i appreciate her beauty without wanting to make a move?” ben rolled his eyes at his friend, eyes now focused on the ball for the first time in twenty minutes.

“so you’re just going to stare at her, like a creep.” ben stated, stopping the ball with the side of his foot and kicked it back to mason. “noted.” mason was barely focused, looking over to you every time you laughed or your voice echoed. he’d laugh with you, crinkling his nose when you did, it was sickening.

ben had kicked the ball to mason’s feet, where is stilled and hadn’t even broken his stare. he had ‘regained control of the ball’ by kicking mason’s ankles, which had definitely caught his attention and caused him to hiss in pain. “you fucker, what did you do that for?”

“i just gave you a reason to talk to her, you clown.” ben revealed sarcastically, mason limping over to you as you held a look of concern.

“everything okay, mount?” you politely asked, the slight touch on his back as well as hearing his name fall from your mouth was sending him into a frenzy. he just nodded, and followed you inside to where your new office resided. “what the hell happened? last time i looked, you were kicking a ball about with chilly.”

your voice was as silky as he’d imagined. “yeah, he’s a bit slow. so he thought kicking me in the ankles would be a wise idea.” you couldn’t help but giggle at the man’s joke, avoiding his gaze as you were sure to blush. this man was attractive, but it was your first day, you had to remain professional.

“i better get to work,” you huffed, rubbing some hand sanitiser onto your hands and pulling his socks down. “we can’t have chelsea’s best player injured a few days before the game,” you’d finally met eyes and stared at each other for a brief second, before bashful looking away.

“you think that?” mason almost sounded unsure of himself.

“of course,” you grinned and applied some pressure to the side of his ankle, “i’d say you’re one of the best.” mason hummed almost silently, resting his head back on the table. it didn’t hurt, and if anything, he’d have to thank chilly for kicking his ankles, as it got you two talking.

weeks had passed, mason visiting your office most days with random excuses.

“my legs are fine. but maybe a shoulder rub for good luck?”

“i bought you a smoothie.”

“it’s cold outside, and i told the boys my thighs were sore.”

“now i’m just bored.”

every time he’d appear, you’d just pull up a chair instead of prepping the table. he’d talk to you about the most random of things, the pair of you having an intense debate on whether or not ross and rachel were on a break. he’d quickly become your favourite visitor.

“mr. mount, to what do i owe the pleasure?” you questioned, knowing it was him just by the way he fiddled with the handle before opening the door. he grinned at the nickname, sitting in the desk chair beside you.

“i actually came to ask if you wanted to go for a drink tonight. the boys were meant to, but now it looks like i’m all alone.” mason explained, a white lie thrown into the mix. he wasn’t being left by the boys, he asked them to cancel, so he could spend some with you. “so, you fancy it?”

“sure.” you smiled, accepting his invitation before you could overthink your way into cancelling. “i’ll text you my address.” he nodded his head, resting his head on his hands as you got on with paperwork. you could see out of the corner of your eye, he was staring at you as you worked. he had no training to be getting on with, and saw a better pastime in watching you work.

when you’d finally finished work and gotten yourself dressed up, mason was even more in awe of you. you looked adorable at work, and now he’d seen you in a new light. it’s like seeing your crush outside of school, it’s weird not seeing them in uniform, but seeing a new layer of them was good. he’d picked you up and taken you to the nicest pub he could find, it was a quiet one. it was a pub you had to pay extra for to sit on the terrace with a table to yourself. but he was willing to go the distance.

“it’s weird not seeing you in your kit.” you mentioned, staring at his impeccable sense of fashion. like he’d been ripped from the front page of asos. mason chuckled loudly and sipped on his beer, after doing a brief ‘cheers’ with you. it was british tradition, after all.

“i know. i’m used to seeing you in leggings and a chelsea top.” mason observed, his cheeks blushing at the way you looked at him. he felt the butterflies begin to swarm in his stomach, like they did on the way here. “now you’re in a dress, i can see your legs.” his eyes widened at the weird statement that just fell from his lips, face burning with embarrassment. “sorry, that sounded so creepy.”

you burst into laughter, feeling anything but disturbed. in fact, you felt more comfortable with him. “don’t worry about it, you’re easy to feel comfortable with.” mason took this chance to hide his rosy cheeks by sipping on his beer. the pair of you conversed for well over an hour, your conversations from work spilling into the mix too. and soon enough you were laughing on the walk back to your home.

“that’s hilarious. i can’t believe we could’ve almost met years ago.” you exclaimed, mason proud of recalling that memory. the pair of you remembered an awful christmas concert that happened in a town near central london, and were almost inches apart unknowingly covering your ears at the screeches made by the backup singers.

you’d ended up at your door, mason standing just centimetres away from your face. you knew what he wanted, and you wanted it to. so, with the confidence given to you by the mixer you’d just downed a while ago, you closed the gap between you and engaged in a sweet kiss with him. it was well overdue, mason’s teammates would say as he told them the following day.

you’d settled in really nicely with the team, enjoying every day you spent at the training grounds. you’d only been on that one drink date with mason, always planning to reschedule another but you’d both be too busy to do so. it didn’t stop you from texting nonstop and have some late night facetime calls. you were really beginning to like each other. it was as if nothing could ruin your happiness you felt with your life at this moment.

until you’d been pulled aside and told by chelsea’s own manager that a man united massage therapist had quit, offering you the job. it would mean your whole life would shift, you’d have to move, you’d have to make friends with a team all over again, and leave mason. you couldn’t bear telling him, which you’d also been told to do. you’d have to break the news to your beloved team, who would come and cheer with you after a win, and always pester you with random requests. you were each of their’s personal assistant almost, loving your relationship with them all. and mason, you knew he’d be crushed, the girl he was so deeply falling for, being told to move to another club.

you were on edge since that very morning, not being your usual joking self with your boys as they came in for their sessions. you’d weakly smile at them and make small talk whilst tending to their stiff joints, then let them leave. all the boys carried on with their day, assuming you were just having a bad day. but mason could see through you, he could tell something was playing on your mind.

as you were putting pressure on mason’s ankle, which he’d been take off the pitch for last week, he grabbed your arm gently. sitting up, he pulled you close to him and held you how he usually did. his hands grazing your sides and his eyes almost burning holes into your own. “talk to me, pretty. what’s on your mind?”

you shook your head. “i’d go easy on the foot today, mount. i don’t want to see you benched next game.” would you even be able to see their next game? it brought you close to tears throughout the day, but being trapped in a room with mason, you were bound to cry and tell him everything.

his grip didn’t leave your arm, instead he pulled you closer to him and held you close to his chest, now standing and towering over you. you felt a sob erupt through your chest, opening the flood gates as you cried into him. he’d never seen you like this, you were always his smiling ball of sunshine. “talk to me, y/n.”

“they’re moving me.” you simply stated, hoping not to say another word and him just understand completely. but it didn’t work like that, none of the team knew. mason would be the first to know, and you had to tell the rest of the team before the day was up. as this weekend you’d be arranging accommodation in manchester whilst you looked for permanent residence, as well as meeting the team and staff you’d be working for.

“what?”

“they’re moving me to united, mase. a therapist quit over there and they asked for me, your manager signed me over a few days ago. and i’m gonna be leaving you boys.” you explained, mason’s grip on you loosening as he tried to come to terms with what you were saying. he’d had his fair share of bad news in his life, but this was the biggest blow he’d felt in a while.

“they can’t do that,” mason stuttered over his tears, a frown cast upon his face, “they can’t just expect you to pack up and leave.” you placed your hands over his cheeks, forcing him to look down at you. that’s when his tears began to fall, looking so vulnerably at each other in this time of sadness.

“they can, mason. and they have, i need to go this weekend to meet the team and look to move up there.” you admitted, your hands refused to leave his face. you were soaking up every bit of mason you could before you left. long-distance didn’t work for either of you, especially with how busy you both were. the only time you’d see each other would be if chelsea were to play united.

“i can’t lose you, y/n.” he confessed, pulling you into him and resting his head above yours. it wasn’t just losing a girl he was seeing, it was losing someone he loved. he’d fallen deeply in love with you — but telling you would just hinder your movement. he couldn’t make it any harder than it was, it would ruin you. he just had to let you go.

that afternoon, you’d thought about what you were going to say and met the boys on the pitch. the second mason saw you, it took everything in him to not cry into his hands. but he managed to stay strong. you stood weakly beside the team manager, avoiding everyone’s eyes and fiddling with your jumper sleeves.

“afternoon boys,” you greeted them, hearing a few cheers and whistles, they loved you, “i have some news. today will be my last day working with you. i’ve been transferred to united, which will take full effect this weekend. you guys have my number if you just want to talk rubbish, or have any questions for me.” it was a long while of hugging them all, laughing with them and repeating little inside jokes with them.

“what are you going to do without me, huh?” you asked reece, who just chuckled and gave you a squeeze. “i’ll miss you all, you know who i’ll be cheering on if you ever go against united.”

you’d settled in at united perfectly, but something was missing. it was always going to feel this way, nothing would ever break the bond you shared with the chelsea boys. even when they went head to head, and you’d catch mason’s eyes on the pitch, you’d have to hide your smile when they scored, and try even harder if mason was the one putting it in the back of the net. you got on well with the boys here, but you found yourself missing the boys back at chelsea, and most of all, mason.

months had passed since your move to manchester, and you were heading out of your office on a particular tiring friday afternoon, walking past united’s manager, who always seemed to be on his way to something.

“ah, y/n, just who i needed to see.” he commented, stopping you as you were headed out to find a late rashford for his session. “keep an eye on your emails tonight, please. you’ve been included in an international offer.” you nodded, not hearing anything past the word ‘email’. and when you’d gotten home that evening, waiting for your takeaway to arrive, you mindlessly scrolled your emails.

something about the upcoming world cup, saying you’d been selected as the teams massage therapist. it burned your eyes as you danced around your tiny living room; so happy to have a chance at seeing any of the chelsea boys again. you’d thought that after all these months of just seeing mason’s face in his instagram posts, he’d have forgotten about you and moved on. but it was the furthest from the truth.

mason watched over your socials for months, seeing your various pictures with the likes of rashford, shaw, and lingard. he made sure you had friends and was having a good time up north. but every night he’d go to bed, yearning for you and the time you both spent together. missing your first kiss, missing hearing the sound of your laugh in real life, not just through another footballers videos. he missed spending hours on the phone. and although he had a chance to reconnect with you, it would be too much for the both of you to handle. he’d miss you so much more, knowing you were simply unobtainable.

after signing all of the correct documents to show you could in fact work for the national team, you were on your way to the training grounds and coping with living in the camp alongside the boys and other members of staff. it was better than your tiny manchester apartment, that was for sure. you weren’t really needed outside for training, so you set up your office and began on your paperwork. time passed a lot quicker here than it did when you worked at united, it was nearing your lunch break already. a knock was placed at your door, bringing your out of your work daze.

“hello, stranger.” you heard from behind you, heart overjoyed that it was actually him. it was your mason. you turned round to greet him, standing up and immediately pulling him into a hug. it felt familiar, the only bit of familiarity you had in this place. “god, i missed you.” he even smelt the same, as creepy as it was to say.

“i knew you’d be called up,” you admitted to him, looking up at his red face. it was just like the first time, he was so nervous to talk to you, “you’re still my best player.” his hands found your cheeks, taking advantage of the affection not feeling awkward. it was as if you never left.

“you don’t understand how much i’ve missed you all these months, y/n,” he whispered, face centimetres away from yours. “how much i’ve wanted to kiss you again.” you wanted it too, you finally felt like you found your missing piece. but you had to remain professional, this was national level now, not just club level.

“trust me,” you whispered back at him, holding your hands above his own, “i’ve wanted to kiss this pretty face, too. but we have to be professional.” he nodded, understanding that if they were caught, you’d be the one facing repercussions, not him. so he respected your choice and stood back.

“what about when the day’s over, and we go back to the camp,” he suggested, a hand on your shoulder to stop you from turning around, “what would you say to me then?” you just shrugged, sitting back down in your chair and continuing your work. the remainder of your day was quiet, just talking about a few people tomorrow that have stiff joints that need loosening. you’d made your way back to camp, opening your door and sighing as you took your shoes off.

what room are you in? mason texted, waiting outside his door.

you’re eager, i just finished work. but i’m on the floor above you, room 39. you texted him back, speedily changing your attire for something more comfortable and freshening up. mason would be up here within seconds. and whilst there were no rules stating that the squad shouldn’t be in staff members rooms, it felt wrong.

“you’re gonna have to leave when nobody can see you.” you sighed, opening your door to an eager mason. he wormed past you and sat on your bed, semi annoyed that your bed was comfortable than his.

“so not only do you get a room to yourself, you get a bed that doesn’t feel like a plank of wood.” mason stated, clearly getting comfortable on your bed. “i just might have to stay here.” you rolled your eyes and sat beside him, resting your head on the pillow. “you tired?”

instead of saying anything, you nodded and inched closer to him. his right hand was drawing delicate patterns on your exposed arm, whilst the other was wrapped around you. this was the moment he wanted with you, even when you were working at chelsea. but it’s happening now and that’s all he cared about. holding the girl he still deeply loved in his arms.

“i’ll go down to dinner soon,” he mentioned, even if you could hear him or not, “maybe i’ll bring you something up.” a small kiss was placed on your temple, mason snuggling into you a bit more.

the next day, you knew you had some sessions. so you were up early, a text from mason on your phone.

i left late last night, i fell asleep once i came back from dinner. i hope you had a good night.

you blushed at his text, getting yourself prepared for the day. the boys had a match coming up soon and you wanted to be on top of your game, making sure they were all stretched and ready. you sat in your office, prepping your table and your paper work for the first person to enter.

you’d worked with grealish, bellingham, and lingard today. and they only had a few more hours training until they were done for the day. you sighed in your seat and rested your head against your desk, arms and hands sore. your handle was violently shoved down, your door opening in the process. startled, you watched declan carry his best mate in.

“he rolled his ankle taking a kick,” declan explained, helping his friend onto the table. you quickly sanitised your hands and pulled his sock down to observe his ankle. “will he be okay for the game in a few days?”

“yes, dec. he’ll be out in no time.” you reassured his friend, mason smiling through the sharp pain shooting through his ankle. declan had left shortly afterwards, leaving you to giggle at mason.

“what you giggling at, hm?” mason questioned, a finger tickling your side. you squirmed and brushed a hand over his head, his features relaxing under your touch.

“it’s always the ankles, hm?” you retorted, mason rolling his eyes before letting out a laugh of his own. “let’s get you back on your feet in time for this game.” you had taken his boot and sock off, applying gentle pressure to the sides of his ankle and seeing how badly he reacted to the pain.

after the next few days of training, it was finally time for the match. you stood nervously on the side of the pitch, watching the ball being passed around. you watched as it had gone to mason, someone from the opposing team sliding into mason, and knocking his ankles together. he fell and began to yell in pain, the medics rushing over to him and assessing the pain. after realising it was not too serious, but he still had to be taken off, they’d given the job to you.

mason sat on one of the chairs beside you, head leaned back as you pulled his socks down. he winced as your small, cold fingers had pressed different parts of his ankle, but it didn’t feel bad. in fact, it was quite relieving. “it really is always the ankles,” mason finally agreed, making you chuckle and sit on the floor opposite him, “god, it fucking hurts.”

“i will take care of you,” you mentioned, your hand sliding into his. he smiled at the contact, his free hands gently tickling your side. this small amount of public affection felt scary, but good. you knew someone would pick up on it, but you didn’t care in the slightest. you had been away from mason for far too long. months and months apart, yearning for each other every second you were awake.

when the match was over, england scoring a whopping 4-0, mason was by your side for the rest of the evening. even getting onto the coach to go home, he sat beside you the whole way; his hand in yours and his head gently resting against your shoulders. when heading back to camp, knowing you had a day’s break before the boys were back on for training again in time for the next match, mason followed you to your room. you didn’t mind, neither did anybody else really.

you’d gotten into bed beside him that night, eyes heavy from the amount of work you’d both put in today, and the buzzed feeling from declaring victory had awoken something in him. he had the urge to kiss you, like he has every moment he’s spent with you recently, but more than that. he wanted to tell you he loved you, but decided to keep quiet. he wanted to save it for another day, maybe someday more special, when you weren’t trying to catch up on sleep between games.

“are you tired of me?” mason asked, releasing his voice into the darkness. he had no idea whether you were awake or asleep, as half an hour had passed of you both enjoying each other’s presence. you were wide awake, although your eyes told a different story.

“i’m tired in general,” you admitted, rolling over to face him, barely catching his pearly whites in the dark, “but i could never get tired of you.” mason’s heart was beating through his chest, reaching out for your hand to place onto it. it was a special moment — feeling his heart rapidly paced from your words, you’d barely noticed mason’s arm around you as he pulled you into him.

“good, because i’m not letting you go again,” he spoke quietly, your hand now replaced with your head, feeling his pulses on your cheekbone. you smiled for the millionth time that day, happy you had your mason back.

[beann-e]

god imagine if when bakugou has a kid their just like him. like imagine a 6 year old with a sarcastic nasty mouth who just doesn’t give a fuck. Which eventually leads to bakugou getting his ass handed to him. Look here’s a teaser

“ holy sh—fuc—why aren’t you sleeping “

“ why aren’t you sleeping “

“ because I cant sle—- “ a soft cough left the older males mouth as he sat up straighter “ I don’t have to explain anything to you — you little rodent “

“ ro— ro— rodent ? “ the small child’s voice came out in a loud scream as the male in front them shifted in his seat uncomfortably

“ here come on let’s go to mama “

God you had to have been his only way out of this situation

“ mamas sleep “

of course you were.

Of course you were tucked away into the confinement of your own bed recovering from a hard day of work. The soft covers draped over your body while the fan worked wonders around the room.

God your such an asshole , a pathetically beautiful and lucky asshole

“ heh , then why aren’t you? “ the older male deadpanned as he stared down on the child. He let out a small sigh when he didn’t receive an answer “ ok then why don’t we both go to our own rooms and sleep too huh ? how ‘bout that “

“ katsumis sleeping in there “

“ fuck —you just seem to have everybody in your corner huh you little brat“

The room went quiet as he watched the small girl crawl up on the coach using his pants leg as an anchor to help her get up there. Her small legs pushing her up only for her to fall back down because her arms couldn’t pull up the weight of her small body. His mouth opening to let out a sigh before he reached out and pushed the girl up on the couch his hand pushing her butt and sending the girl flying onto the couch like a football.

Only to make her giggle and crawl back over to sit next to him.Body settling in the same position as him with her small chubby legs spread out and her hands placed behind the couch as far as they could go leaving her chest out in the open. A small smile on her face when she noticed she looked just like the male to the right of her. And honestly she did she always did without even trying .

It wasn’t that bakugou hated kids no.

It was just that he would rather be left alone and not be bothered with them. He thought maybe when he grew up and had his own kids that would change but after the birth of your first child together, then the second , and lastly the third he only noticed the small change that occurred.

He could put up with them of course but he always found them annoying mostly because anytime he seen them he had just gotten back home from work. meaning he had to hear them screaming their heads off and fighting with you in a plea to skip bath time while he walked through the door and straight to your shared bedroom

Most of the time he was the disciplinary parent so you can only guess how quickly each of them would fall in line when they all looked up to see the loud footsteps echoing through the house belonged to their father.

His hero uniform still on with his eyes locked on each of theirs in a tired gaze frowning up at him as his right hand carried the belt he’d picked up from his bedroom on the way over to the bathroom.

His face speaking volumes before his mouth did . His right hand only gripping tighter when he thought about how long you had gone with them acting like this and him not being around to stop them from mistaking your exhaustion as submission

You weren’t soft per say but after having 3 kids and taking care of them by yourself you’d grown weak and tired.

Your mean manner and discipline you thought you had set up in your house only withered away more and more with every kid you had and now you were really just tired of taking care of three kids all by yourself with no help.

“ take the shitty bat— “

your hardened gaze moved from your kids to him as his hand holding the belt wavered — remembering your rule of no cursing in the house because your middle child had just started second grade and the teacher had already called once.

“ haha daddy’s scared of mommy “

“ of course he is have you seen her “

“ hey mommy’s not scary she’s just — “ your youngest daughter katsu spoke as she quickly turned to katsuki “ hey daddy what’s that word “

“ what word ? “ his face went stoic before he sighed annoyed with the small child “ how the hel— heck am I suppose to know what word you wanna say — i’m not a mind reader katsu— that’s not my quirk “

“ well maybe if you spent a little more time with her you’d know asshole “ your oldest spoke under his breath “ strict katsu that’s the word your looking for — she’s just strict I mean someone has to be when our fathers too busy sa— “

“ hey come on kai just— just get in the bathtub your up next anyways “ your voice was soft a small sigh leaving it before you wrapped katsumi and katsu in towels tucking them away from their older brother. “ ‘sumi— ‘tsu follow your dad he was just leaving —he can help me put you two to bed tonight — “ you rolled your eyes at the male hovering over you “ lord knows i need it—in you go kai “

“leaving — wh— the hell if I am ——- your just gonna let ‘ em get away with that “ bakugous mouth moved faster as he gripped the belt like it was a separate life form when he saw your innocent eyes look up at him “ get away with what babe ? “

“ they just verbally assaulted me y/n “

“ oh did they hmm” you turned back to your kids “ maybe you should file another villains report “

“ wow “ his voice went quiet at your remark you two had been on the outs recently because he kept saying how much he wanted more kids in the moment only to turn around and bask in the light he was given during their birth and then turn back around and spend no time with them at all.

you shook your head “ i’m sorry I don’t understand what they’ve done wrong “

You were tired of it.

“ i’m going to bed after this ‘suki I don’t know if your gonna be there or if your sleeping at the office again but please this time write a note so I don’t tell katsu her dad will take her to school in the morning “ you scoffed “ again “

That was how he ended up here he had gone to the office but he came back when he realized he’d screwed up his whole family. He assumed that if he had the fame , the money , the whole setup that he could provide for his family’s every need.

What he’d forgotten is that maintaining relationships within your family is actually apart of said needs. He didn’t understand until all three of his kids had something to say about his absence how much it was messing with them. So he came back home and sat on the couch.

Just his luck that he was greeted with not only the youngest but the smartest of his three children. He would’ve much rather have walked in to hear you screaming at him for leaving in the first place not the toothless child next to him bothering him with useless questions about his absence

“ dada “ his eyes went over to look at katsu who’d found a place on his side This would be her twelfth question in a matter of five minutes “ can I sit in your lap “

his eyes furrowed this was a different question than he’d expected “ katsu baby you don’t have to ask things like that “

“ but you— your never here so I just assumed that you may be trying to get away from us so I didn’t want you to have someone you don’t like in your lap “

“ what kat— “ his back hit the couch before he propped himself up and dragged the small girl onto his lap “ I adore you guys I love you and I never meant to make you guys feel unloved it’s just that“

“mm “ her voice coming out accusingly just like yours causing him to tense while imagining you as the small girl in front of him.

“ work baby “ he sighed as he rubbed the girls shoulders up and down heating up her cold body “ work is really hard when your an adult and you never get any time off with my job it’s constant “

“ daddy is all work hard “

“ yes “ he smiled

“ if all work is hard— meaning it’s all the same then why can’t you just get a different hard job that doesn’t take up all your time “

his heart pounded inside his chest as he stared down on the smaller girl his eyes wide “ w— what um aren’t you like what 5 —6 how— “

“ you missed when my quirk came daddy it’s super knowledge”

his smile tightened along with the grip he held on the couch cushion beside him “ of course it is yeah of course it is — just my fucking luck “

[zuffer-weird-girl]

Angel has Kai’s baby in their 3rd (last) year of highschool and Kai has no idea since she hid her pregnancy so 2 years later Kai breaks up with angel to focus on his “experiments” when Kai is sent to Tartarus the guards tell him that he has a visitor and there’s angel and his child and Kai starts to tear up

"Eh...?" you could only mutter in disbelief as Kai read some papers with an unbothered expression.

"I know you for about five years (Y/n). I know you dont have any issues with your hearing." He muttered coldly before sighing and placing the papers on the desk.

"You... want to break up...? Why? What did I do?" You asked with trembling lips as he stared at your eyes.

"Is more about on what you can't and won't do." He pressed his fingers on the bridge of his nose before waving it in the air "You know I am the future leader of the hassaikai. And having you near would be only a distraction to my experiments to give this place more credit. You would be like a rock on my path to gain some knowledge."

"You're kidding right?" You almost sobbed "You always told me I was like a safe place for you to go. What the hell happened to that? Or the promises you made for me for us to get married?" He blinked before answering.

"I was foolish. We have a life ahead of us and well, having you being clingy on my back would be a nuisance while working."

The ground could swallow you for all you cared... what the supposed love of your life just said was enough to leave you with eyes red and legs felling like they were trembling.

"Please dont cry. You're dropping them on the ground. And I dont even know if you're clean." You gritted your teeth before breathing in and looking at Kai Chisaki for what you swore for one last time.

"Very well. You want to break up because I'm only a bother to your path to greatness oh punny God? So be it." You walked until you felt him grabbing your wrist until you snatched it away from him.

"When the time is right, we can get back together." He spoke like he was in a fucking meeting in a company.

"No." You hissed "Chisaki I loved you, and I gave you everything of me even supporting your ideas. But then you want to break up with out of no where saying I would ruin your plans by simply existing neat you and to top it off you call me clingy and a nuisance?"

You could see a tad bit of remorse on his eyes as he pondered for a second his own words maybe, but before he could speak you sobbed and opened the door.

"Don't ever look for me Chisaki. And for your information..." you hesitated and gulped down the urge to just yell what you had discovered just earlier while clenching your purse where the pregnancy test lied on.

"What?" He asked, now no longer seeing to be bothered by your sadness and outburst.

"... good luck on your life. I hope you're happy with this obstacle getting away from you." You muttered before closing the door and walking out until you cursed and screamed while you ran as the rain started to make an appearance.

Not noticing the germophobic himself running out of the house with an umbrella to give it to you and soaked as well as he watched with a dread expression your figurine run away...

.

.

Ten years later...

.

.

"I swear Kaiyo... you gonna drive me crazy one of these days." You spoke heartedly as the boy with brow hair laughed in embarrassment while scrubbing the back of his head as you caught all the pieces of the broken chair on the ground.

"Sorry ma! I got carried away." You scoffed but soon smiled at his tiny hands and focused face morph the pieces and piece them back together and with a proud face show you the new constructed chair with a 'tad a!'

"Wow. Impressive sweety!" You patted his hair as he "complained", golden eyes shinning brightly at looking at you with a huge smile on.

Life sometimes was cruel to give the child you loved the exact same face as their father which teared your heart at pieces. But your love for your son was stronger than this stupid thing.

Kaiyo was your son. Not his.

"Ne ne ma? Father's day is coming up!" Kaiyo said and you froze for a moment before sighing while washing the dishes.

Here we go...

"Yes it is coming." You muttered as the boy sneak around and looked up at you.

"You know I dont really care about what the other kids say about me having only a mom but..." he rested his face on his crossed arms on the sink while shyly looking up at you "I was just curious... if I am going to meet mine..."

You sighed while placing the now dry plates on their place before giving your son the best smile you could get.

"Kaiyo, your father is just a very busy name. When we were together he had.. uh.. family business to take care of, so that's why we cant see him much." Kaiyo seemed a bit dissapointmented and it tore you apart.

You could have your own issues with Kai but that didn't mean you would make his son hate him...

"Well... Sato's also got a busy dad but.." he shook his head, messy brow bangs shaking along with his head, until he gave you a bright smile "That's okay! I just hope I get to meet him one day! And that he gets back to you and apologize foe being a dork! So us three can live together!"

A child can dream, right?

But you knew that Kai needed to know the existence of Kaiyo... you werent ignorant...

"Yeah kiddo. Let's hope for the best." You carresed his cheek before kissing it "Okay. Enough talk. Time for bed young man."

"Awww already?" He pouted as you giggled.

"How about that? You go get ready and I tell you stories about me and daddy while we were together?"

"Can I get my plushie of mr Nighteye?" You giggled. Something Kaiyo definitely wasn't equal to his father was his fascination with heroes.

"Sure honey. Now shoo! Go go go!" You squished his cheeks as he laughed and ran towards his room on the apartment.

You snorted at sign before preparing yourself for digging the past once again for the sake of your son.

.

.

.

"MOM!" You almost chopped your finger along with the carrot at the shout of Kaiyo before looking at him in worry to se ehkm pointing at the T.V with horror "The heroes-! The green hero with the girl-!"

You immediately went to his side only to widened your eyes at the image in front of you.

Chisaki..?

"Ma! He is a villain! A BIG ONE!"your son whimpered while going for you for a hug while stared in shock... "Ma? Why are you trembling?"

"H-Huh?" You let out until you gasped at seeing this teenager punching Chisaki square in the face...

"Ma?! You're okay?!"

You didn't know what to feel, but surely you weren't expecting tears to fall when this girl hand cuffed your ex boyfriend and the cops and heroes to put him into a van to surely got to the prison. Tartarus you bet.

You felt a hand rubbing your cheek and soon looked at your son wide teary eyes.

"M-Mommy...?" You hugged him close to your chest and holding his head close as your heart almost slammed out of your chest. "What happened? Are you okay?"

"I-i... I'm okay honey." You inhaled before looking into Kaiyo's golden eyes to see worry on them. "Hey, mommy's okay."

"Ma...?"

"Hm?"

"That man looked like me..."

.

How long was he here? Months?

Didn't matter. Nothing mattered more... everything was taken from him. Including his own arms. Now he was just as useless as a cockroach.

Worst of all? His own father figurine on a damn hospital because of him...

Pathetic.

'Is funny how things change' is what you used to say... he found himself scoffing while pressing the back of his head on the wall.

He hadn't stop thinking about you ever since the day he made the decision of breaking up with you. He did tried inumerous times to contact you when he took leadership of the Hassaikai... but he just gave up.

"Probably married with kids already... why are you even thinking about her on the first place..?" he murmured to himself as he felt his chest tighten in sadness.

Everything was just... what he deserved.

He sighed. Closing his eyes for just a split second until he heard banging on the door of his cell until a guard opened the window on it to glare daggers at him.

"Get up. You have visitors."

"Leave me in here. I thought your job was to take seriously enough to not make jokes." He spoke on a hoarse voice until the cell opened with two guards already on it.

"I cant understand why you have visitors as well but get your ass up already."

He just blinked until he got up, two guards in front of him and one behind as he walked.

He just hoped it was fast.

He entered the room, mirrors which surely was where cops were hidden as he sitted down on a chair and waited until the door of iron opened by another guard.

"Right here ma'am. And remember the rules please."

"Of course." His eyes widened and he snapped his head up to see if he hadn't got crazy.

But no. You were there.

Gosh.. you didn't change at all... was even more beautiful than what his mind could have remember.

He stood there in shock as you got in but along with you... holding your hand, was a boy. Dressed with clothes but he surely didn't looked content about being in here.

His face dropped at seing the kid... you had moved on.

"One hour." The guard said locking the door as you stood there awkwardly, while the kid holding onto to you was glaring at the ground.

He wanted to say something but nothing came out as he was still in shock at seeing out of all people you decided to visit him.

The heels you wore clicked on the ground as you walked towards the table and sit down and the boy right by your side on the other chair... not even once you made eye contact with him.

"... (y/n)..." he whispered, still looking at you as if you were some angelical creature.

"Hey... long time that we dont see each other right? Chisaki." You spoke... not with a smile but not with hatred.

It was a start.

"You... hadn't changed a... a bit." He spoke, voice scratching at his throat as your eyes finally met his, his heart was beating loudly on his chest.

It felt like he was in high school again...

"Should I take that as a compliment?"

"I.. I didn't meant to offend you. Apologies." He bowed his head a bit as you sighed, looking at him with wide eyes out of the sudden.

"Oh God what happened to your arms?!" You almost screamed as the kid also seemed to notice.

"Long story... just.. a business that went wrong." He explained with dread as you seemed to relax a but while nodding.

It remained quiet for a bit only for the sound of the clock on the wall until he decided to break the silence.

".. so.. er.." gosh he was horrible with this "how is your life? Any.. uh.. you got the degree you wanted? I remember how you talked about it..."

You sighed with dissapointment as you looked at everywhere but him.

"No. I haven't... but I see you got what you wanted before being arrested though." You muttered and he let out a bitter chuckle.

"Almost.. yeah." He tapped his foot twice until he spotted the kid glaring at him with similiar gold eyes... "Married?"

"No. I thought it would be a distraction while taking care of my son." You spoke abruptly... as you looked at the boy beside you... "Anyway... I need to give you this."

You showed to him a paper before putting on the desk.

"What.. what is this?"

"Is a DNA test." You spoke coldly "To prove that you do have a son."

His eyes widened at that as he looked at the paper... and then to the boy whose was glaring at him not moments ago...

"Wha... but... "

"Remember the day when we split off? Yeah... was the day I discovered."

"W... why didn't you said something?" He asked in oure horror as you giggled in sarcasm.

"For what? This would only trouble you right?" You said with such venom on your voice that he felt a sting to his chest before you breathed in slowly before exhaling "I'm here because I thought you had the right to know... even after ten years.."

He looked at the kid and soon could tell the similarly between him and the boy... you had to raise a child with his face on it alone and he had broken things because of his own selfishness...

"What... what is his name?"

You pondered for a second before sighing, caressing the boy's hair.

"Come on honey... introduce yourself to your dad..." the boy huffed before opening his eyes and looking at him.

"I'm (L/n) Kaiyo. I cant say is very nice to meet you but my mom told me to say it for respect." He almost cringed at the introduction as he saw you looking at him with anger.

"Kaiyo." You warned as the boy scoffed.

"Dont need to scold him. He is not exactly wrong..." he ended up saying while you looked at him.

"I raised Kaiyo to have respect though."

"Why should I have respect towards him in the first place?" He looked at the dark brow haired kid "Not only he abandoned you ma but he is a villain! A very bad one! That girl on the Tv should be the same age if not younger than me!" The boy gritted with a few tears escaping his face.

"Kaiyo please... "

"Incredible..." you and Kaiyo suddenly looked at him "Despite having my features you are just like your mother... I would be proud of it..."

"... I'm not proud of being a villain's son." He muttered while sniffing "You abandoned us. I know ma hadn't said a thing to you but now I do."

You bited on your lips as he looked at loss of words at what he just heard from a child...

"... I know it doesn't change a thing but... I never stopped thinking about... your mother. About you (Y/n)."

"DONT REFER TO MY MOM AS HER FIRST NAME!" Kaiyo banged his fists on the table before you took him in your arms as the boy sobbed "You never cared! You-You-! Grandpa said you called my ma a bother! You are a MURDER!" The kid cried.

"I'm sorry about that..." you mumbled as you cradled the crying boy in your arms "He didn't take well Mr. Nighteye death..."

"M-Ma-! I wanna go home!"

"But Kaiyo, your da-"

"He IS NOT MY DAD!" he cried in you as you sighed as Chisaki seemed to be dying little by little at each second this visit had.

"I'm... going to go. Another day we will visit. Take care, Chisaki." You spoke before he could hear it and he stood up abruptly from his chair.

"No! Wait-!"

The door closed...

.

Months later

.

"Ma look. Hawk's wings are healing." The kid pointed at the news and you smiled.

"That's amazing! We could use some good news!" You chirped as Kaiyo smiled until both of you heard the door bell of your apartment ring.

"Huh. Weird usually grandpa or grandma visits us on-" you opened the door and you almost screamed at the sign of that same green haired kid on your door but now he seemed so... broken...

"Ma'am.. I'm sorry to bother you, but he said he can crash a bit in here... later cops will come to get him. I'm sorry but I need to go." Your son walked and squealed at sign.

"A hero!" Your son smiled brightly at him and for once, Deku had showed a smile for real... until you saw Chisaki leaning bruised to the core resting on the wall next to your door...

"Chisaki..." you breathed out as your son looked at him in shock.

"I'm sorry. Both of you..." he muttered while looking at the storm outside.

[pastriibunz]

very well then

Kai changes and grows as a character, that much is obvious. But with Kai, she seems to only get worse and worse as her story goes on.

TKWDLM Kai is what I’d like to call our ‘base kai’. She’s a happy go lucky teenager who’s a little sheltered and naïve, but she has a big heart and a willingness to help others.

Hey, Melissa! Kai is mostly the same, but now with the knowledge of what a swear word is, and she tries to use them on Melissa. A lot.

F+A Kai is the moment where I feel we start to see change. Kai is clearly more weary/anxious in this one, I feel. You could argue that it was all set off by the homeless man’s interaction with her, but then I’d bring up the fact that:

Kai hid guns in the apartment prior to the events of F+A.

Even though the mention of them is a silly haha joke, the implication that Kai is afraid enough for her safety that she feels the need to store weaponry in the apartment just goes to show how terrified Kai is of another incident. The behavior, no doubt picked up from Hidgens heavy use of weaponry in TKWDLM, and the fact that guns seemed to be the only way to properly subdue the infected. At least, before her attempt. Plus, F+A Kai has a very big difference when she talks about her trauma than the prior Kais:

She gets bitter.

TKWDLM Kai + Hey, Melissa! Kai have much more somber, sad, and scared tones when talking about their trauma. F+A Kai? She is sour, almost angry.

Plus, instead of being to terrified to do anything but stay with her captor like in Hey, Melissa!, F+A Kai bolts the second she has a chance. You could say that it’s because she didn’t know what Mel was capable of, or you could say that Kai grew from her experience with Melissa, and didn’t want another repeat.

RR Kai is a bit harder to do, as a majority of the episode takes place in the past, or during a part where Kai isn’t in any danger. But there is one key moment I’d like to point out:

For the first time in the Kai in Hatchetfield series, we see Kai get physically violent.

She quite literally punched Pokey in the face. And then tries to axe him to pieces. No longer is Kai as happy go lucky as she used to be. No longer is this the same girl who tried to befriend the infected. RR Kai shows the willingness to get violent if need be. And I think that says a lot.

WW Kai? Harder, again, because she wasn’t in any perceived danger. But she gets bitter. She gets violent. You can call Blinky, saying that she was under his influence when she was being bitter and violent, and I’ll give you bitter. But don’t forget:

She stabbed Blinky in the eye completely on her own accord.

She wanted to kill him. She tried to kill him. Compare that to TKWDLM Kai, who couldn’t even kill Infected!McNamara, and there’s a huge difference between those two characters.

MI is obvious: Kai gets a lot more violent than before.

She beat up five people. That’s gotta say something.

And I’d like to bring up Abstinence Camp even though it’s not out:

Kai in AC is so much more bitter and angry.

She completely loses her accent in this ep, and she doesn’t even pretend to have that pep. She’s tired, angry, and willing to flip her ideals on their head just for a chance to get out of camp. She insults Boy Jerry, the lumber axe story, and probably Grace, if I can fit it in. NPMK Kai will be the same way.

and then we have TWS. You could say she’s Kai’s Completed Character Arc. And that’s horrible.

She’s terrified, mind broken, she can’t tell what’s real, and she is constantly in fight or flight, and she accidentally killed three people.

There’s a reason she was nominated the worst Kai fate.

So, yeah.

TLDR: Kai shows traits and behaviors throughout NMK where she progressively gets worse as a person.

Get that girl OUT of Hatchetfield!!!

kai is so tragic to me because the more we watch of her the more we see her grow in the worst way possible

[adoralinefilms]

HOW THE EVANS WOULD REACT TO YOU BEING PREGNANT

(all the characters that are dead are alive in this bc ghost sperm? i don’t think so. i mean look how micheal ended up.)

WARNINGS: pregnancy? and not proof read

TATE LANGDON

he would be worried at first

i mean you’re both still teenagers and have a lot going on

but he knew you both would make it work and would support you if you deicided to keep the baby or not

he would be super protective of you and your child, barely letting you make food for yourself

he’d say he would want a boy but also secretively hoped for having a little baby princess

he would help you in any way you’d need and you being pregnant would show a whole new side of him that you never thought you would ever see

his darkness and troubles would all go away as soon as you had your baby, knowing that that child was the light

KIT WALKER

(ok so i hate to be that person but in this, Kit doesn’t have Thomas or Julia)

Kit and you have been married for a year and deicided it was time to bring a new addition to your family

You were trying for about two months when you finally got pregnant

You found out when Kit was at work and knew he’d be over the moon to have a baby, your guys baby

You deicided to go out to the store and buy a little onesie to tell Kit, your husband, the good news

It was after you put dinner out and Kit was home that you brought a small yellow box out and gave it to him

Kit was a bit confused but opened it to see the small piece of clothing. He just looked up at you, both of you smiling and went to hug you

That was probably the best and biggest hug he ever gave you

“I’m going to be a father!”

KYLE SPENCER

Tbh Kyle was a bit worried when you told him, you both were

You both were in college and were dating for about two years before you became pregnant

It was a total suprise to you because you both were super careful but yet here you were

Kyle told you he would support you in whatever decision you deicided to make and would be there for you, and he was

If you deicided to keep the baby, Kyle would end up getting another job to support your family to rent an apartment because a baby in a frat house, i don’t think so

He would be even more gentle with you and treat you with anything your heart’s desires

You want Mcdonald’s at 3am? Kyle’s on it.

A massage? Kyle will give it to you

Overall going to be an amazing dad

JIMMY DARLING

When you told Jimmy you were expecting, his first reaction was to swope down to your belly and greet his little one

Jimmy never thought he would ever have kids, he thought no one would ever want to be with him because he was a so on called “freak”

But then you showed up and was never bothered by his hands, and quickly after you both were an item

Jimmy was super afraid his child would end up having his hands or something else, he didn’t want to put that on his child - knowing how people treat “freaks”

You would assure him that even if your child had it, you would both still love them and they would still be a good and kind person

And at the end of the day that’s all that really matters

Jimmy would always kiss your cheek and then your stomach before he got up in the morning

He probably wouldn’t leave your side honestly

10/10 good guy and good dad

JAMES MARCH

plssss i love this gif

You got pregnant around the time James just opened the Hotel Cortez

James and you were married for three years before getting pregnant and you honestly never even talked about having kids

James was a very busy man. Murdering people

His soft side ever rarely came out and it was always to you only, how would he would react?

You were definitely worried telling him, would he shut you out and leave you to deal with this all on your own? You hoped not, you knew he loved you - in his own sort of way

You told him during dinner and his eyes sorta widened for a moment and was silent

“James, are you okay?”

“I’m going to be a father?”

“Yes, yes you are.”

He grabbed your hand and gave it a squeeze. Showing you he’s ready for everything to change (in a good way of course)

He would definitely spoil you even more now that you were pregnant

You would have thousands of maternity dresses and millions of baby clothes

I definitely believe he has a breeding kink lmao

He would also insist your baby was a girl. Like no doubt in mind.

Spoiler alert, he was right

KAI ANDERSON

Kai definitely discussed having you have his messiah baby

You always brushed it off saying “later”

Later finally came and here you were pregnant

You knew you would have to eventually tell Kai and you knew his reaction was going to be 50/50

He was a very planned person and if something just came out of the blue, he could definitely overreact to say the least

You end up telling Kai during one of his pinky meeting thingys that I can’t remember the name of

His reaction - like you thought - was very mixed

He just kinda like nodded and got up

But what did suprise you is that he gave you a hug

Kai was even more protective of you and now his child

He wouldn’t let you anywhere near one of his “missions”

Not the most helpful during pregnancy but he did show he cared

He would always have his hand on your stomach and would always help you if you couldn’t do anything like you used to

Definitely wanted a boy, you ended up having to tell him that there’s a 50% chance it could be a girl

RORY MONAHAN

Rory would probably be stoked

I mean you pregnant? he’d love every 9 months of it

He was there when you found out

Definitely became even more energetic than he already is when he saw the two blue lines on the test

He posts about it all over his social media, the public is very excited for baby Monahan

You secretly hoping the child has his red hair

Loves to see your bump grow each week, taking a shit load of photos

You both are very excited to be adding an addition to the family

And it won’t be the last

Rory is planning on having three kids with you, no doubt in mind

Best future father there is

AN: WOW THIS TOOK LIKE A DAY IN A HALF TO DO SO PLS DONT LET THIS FLOP!!!

comments, likes, and reblogs are always greatly appreciated <3