#I can remember stuff from a while ago but I forget stuff that happens recently

[moisette]

I'm not sure how to feel about Windows of Opportunity. I know it can be annoying to chase someone that has it but I also like using it as Survivor. I know you can memorize spawns - I see Otz talk about it a lot and I try to remember where stuff is but...I struggle a lot with my memory. I used Small Game for totems for a long time and it actually helped me memorize locations ._. I wasn't trying to memorize them - it was a side effect, I guess. I'm hoping maybe Windows will do the same.

[always-a-slut-4-ghouls]

Anybody else have an instance where their shoulder was bent weird while doing something and it felt like it was out of place but you could still use it and popped it right back but now it does that same thing every once in awhile and you’re starting to wonder if you dislocated it and healed it wrong?

[aziraphales-library]

Lost Fic #194

1. Turning to my fellow forum members because I can't find the fic and fear it might have been deleted: The fic starts with Crowley and Aziraphale at the Ritz talking about the Fall and Aziraphale is terrified of the idea of Falling. They have an argument and Crowley says something like I wish you had fallen then you wouldn't be so scared all the time and then Aziraphale leaves. The next morning Crowley goes to the bookshop to apologize and finds Aziraphale has Fallen, but also hasn't? There is now a Fallen Aziraphale with sheep horns and also a non fallen Aziraphale. The latter is seated at his desk and hasn't acknowledged his demon counterpart or realized they are there. Crowley wanting to figure out how this happens decides to take Fallen Aziraphale to his flat, but discovers that if they are away from Angel Aziraphale Fallen Aziraphale passes out. The fic centers on Crowley dealing with 2 Aziraphales and trying to explore a relationship with both. Later we learn that Aziraphale forced himself to forget he made the Fallen Aziraphale to explore what a relationship with Crowley could be like without the risk of Falling. There is a scene where Crowley buys fallen Aziraphale a floral hairband thing for around their horns. And he panics when Fallen Aziraphale suddenly vanishes when angel Aziraphale finally acknowledges he created them and is controlling both bodies in a 1 soul 2 bodies kind of deal. - @05nataku

2. Hey! I have a desperate request for a lost fic. I have the habit of screenshotting/copy and pasting bits and pieces of fics that stuck with me somewhere, but recently I found one without name of the fic or the author. If somebody could tell me what those are, I'd be grateful all my life. It has been KILLING me! "I'm here for you, only for you." [love you] It sounded a little like will you marry me. - anon

3. Hello! :-) I'm looking for a 'through the ages' type fic. It was about how Crowley adopted a girl from Pompeii. From what I remember he had a huge house and Aziraphale & Crowley just bickered the entire time. They may have had to fake a relationship, but I'm not 100% sure about that. I think it was multi-chapter. Thank you so much! - anon

4. Hi, hearing that series 3 will be based on the unwritten sequel reminded me of an old fic, but I've been unable to find it. The fic was book!omens / pre-tv series, and was a fan version of the unwritten sequel based on the info publicly available from what NG & TP had said about the plot - it involved Crowley & Aziraphale travelling America, Jesus, national parks, Aziraphale making notes while watching free 15 mins of porn on the TV (and annoying Crowley with how much time this was taking up). I am not sure if the fic was on a03, I have vague memories of reading it not on a white screen, so think it was maybe hosted on LiveJournal? I think I originally found it via a rec list of classic fics on tumblr sometime shortly after S1 came out, but have been unable to find that list. Any help on finding it would be appreciated, but understand it may be lost to time. Thank you <3 - @mountlandme

5. Hello hello hello! Lovely stuff that you all are doing here! I've sauntered vaguely into this askbox because I'm looking for something- I really don't have high hopes for this to be found- it would take at least half a miracle, I think. But if anyone can find it, it's gonna be you, so i thought I might as well give it a shot. A few months ago, I read a wonderful little fic about Hastur and Ligur that I just CANNOT find anymore- pre fall setting, both were angels. Ligur was building the moon (or helping) and Hastur was some kind of watcher angel who was supposed to observe everything? I'm afraid I'm a bit blurry on the details, but I think Hastur was being made fun of by the other angels, and he hid in some kind of cave, feeling terribly overwhelmed and anxious- where Ligur later found him. The story then went on a little to describe the relationship they ended up forming through that. I'm terribly sorry that this is not a lot of info to go off of- I've looked through hundereds of fics and everything on the maggot husbands tag- but nothing was ringing any bells. Might have overlooked it, I'm not sure. It could just be gone. If there is any way anyone could help me find this again, I would be eternally grateful. But either way- thank you for taking the time to read this- and thank you for all the lovely work you do! - anon

If you know any of these fics please include the number in your reply! Thank you :)

- Mod D

[plague-karm]

Right time to analyse this shit because god dammit I have been silently making theories about this show the second I saw the premise I’m about to become the most annoying person on the planet on god so LETS GOOOOOOO-

First things first the animation looks fucking phenomenal (let Kevin Temmer cook, that man can do no wrong). Also Caine the guy ever, he is the silly and I love him wholeheartedly, he’s just a fucked up little guy who’s living his best life fr.

And also NEW CHARACTER HELLO.

They do be circling though.

THE SILLIES ARE HERE LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOO 🎉🎉🎉

Smiling Gangle spotted ten seconds before disaster, no thoughts head empty indeed.

ALSO I WASN’T EXPECTING STUFF OUTSIDE THE CIRCUS BUT IT’S A WELCOME SURPRISE WHOA

They have come to steal your credit card information.

The thoughts I had of Ragatha being the lone brain cell keeping everything together were completely correct I CALLED IT- (it has been said by Gooseworx that she has been there the second longest so she’s probably gotten used to the zaniness by now…maybe)

A door that leads to a void?

Maybe it has something to do with this room in the teaser trailer? Possibly.

Tumblr sexyman spotted.

''If there was a way to leave I'm sure we'd have all left by now''

They're ��suffering✨

This caught me off guard when I first saw it lmao (holy FUCK I love Zooble's design, they're everything to me).

''Welcome to your new home...AND your new body...''

So they're aware that they were human before they entered the circus? That's interesting considering what happens in a few seconds (I'll get to that soon). It's also worth mentioning that Gooseworx has stated that their clothes ARE a part of their bodies.

Case in point...

At the end of the character introduction compilation Gooseworx posted to their YouTube channel Pomni is heard saying something along the lines of

''How do I...take this...headset off?!''

I saw a few people theorizing about her talking about a VR headset and that was how she entered the circus to begin with (I had the same thoughts until very recently). However, considering how much of the visuals and character designs are based on old media (also a teaser image was set up as the menu screen for a retro game), I'm beginning to think that this isn't the case.

So it's incredibly likely that Pomni is actually talking about her jester headpiece since she can't take it off.

This scene is probably the first time Pomni sees her new body, pinwheel eyes and all.

''I'm fine with whatever, as long as I get to see funny things happen to people''

I love him he's so unbothered.

I'm sad that we didn't get to hear any dialogue from them but I can't wait to see them in the pilot! Kinger is love, Kinger is life.

''After a while you start to realise that you really can't leave, and constantly chasing an unattainable goal will start driving you a little crazy''

She's a little fucked up actually wow who saw that coming.

It sounds like Ragatha tried to leave a few times and just resigned to her fate after a while, her description DID say that she was the ''sweetest little optimist in the digital circus'', so maybe she's told the others that escaping is impossible and that they should make the best of their situation instead? (Also the framed picture of the right looks like some kind of void, a lot of void imagery here).

Also, Gooseworx released this image a short while ago and it has the same background that Ragatha had while she was talking so she's DEFINITELY talking to Pomni here.

''OH GOD! WHY CAN'T I REMEMBER MY NAME?!''

EXCUSE ME? Okay time for some more speculation. I knew that their names definitely weren't their real ones but I wasn't expecting them to forget them!

Now, since the premise is said to be centred around Pomni and the others getting messed with by AI and their traumas, maybe instead of forgetting what their names were, they actually REPRESSED their memories from when they were human due to the trauma they went through? (Which would include their names)

I don't buy that they've COMPLETELY forgotten who they were (Zooble is aware that the body they're in isn't the one they used to have so I'm guessing everyone else knows that too.)

I'm guessing that their human lives absolutely SUCKED and they've now repressed their trauma to the point where they can barely remember who they were in the human world, this is just speculation.

''Thank goodness this is all a dream, right Pomni?''

What a sassy little guy (it's so weird hearing Michael Kovach sound so reserved, he's normally feral as hell playing these kinds of characters). The little mannequin symbol on the door is probably there for when new people stumble into the circus.

She's definitely seen some shit, I wonder what it could be though?

OH MY GOD THERE'S MORE OF THEM 😭

Wow this background looks...oddly normal. The only thing I can think of this being is Pomni witnessing a flashback of her human life before she showed up in the circus.

''You completely lose sight of who you are and why you're even alive and when you reach your breaking point something REALLY terrible can happen''

OH? Okay speculation time again. This is the closest hint we've gotten to what exactly one of the gang's traumas could be. Ragatha may have forced herself to stay positive in really shitty situations during her human life which likely lead to a lot of negative thoughts which eventually lead to her doing...something, I'm not sure what though, maybe it lead to her losing an eye? (Maybe her new body represents that?) I'm not sure. Maybe this is why she's been in the circus for as long as she has, instead of dealing with her feelings and existentialism, she instead continues to try to be someone who's more adjusted than they actually are.

Again, this is all just speculation, maybe it's just an Infinity Train type of thing where they can't leave until they learn to accept what they went through and how to work through it healthily idk.

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? Well, I'll tell you what I think it is.

I think it's this weird tar like tentacle thing from the teaser trailer, I don't see what else it could be.

And I'm 90% sure that whatever it is, it's connected to this room, and I think that THIS is gonna be where we'll be seeing what the gangs traumas are (Ragatha looked TERRIFIED when she was grabbed so if this was the case I wouldn't be surprised). I'd also like to speculate that this could possibly be another AI. There's Caine, Bubble, and whatever the hell those little shape creatures are, so it's very likely that other AI does exist, we just haven't seen them yet.

But who knows? I'm probably looking too much into it.

Woah new background, he is angy.

I would go into another theory I have about how their designs may hint at what trauma they have but I've spent over an hour writing, compiling trailer screenshots, and speculating every individual frame while suffering with chest pains I wanna go to bed

Holy shit that took WAY longer than I thought it would. I cannot WAIT to watch the pilot, this show has become one of my most anticipated projects of the year over the last few months and I can't wait to see what it has in store.

TL;DR: The trailer looks fire 10/10 can't wait for the inevitable Pomni plushes.

[fallloverfic]

Thoughts for people worried about what happens in ENNEAD Season 2, Episode 98 (the newest Korean episode that went up ~5 hours ago as of this writing) and how this will affect Horuseth.

(tldr; I think Horuseth is fine, but spoilers and discussion below the read more)

To sum up part of what happened: we see that Nephthys seemingly loved Seth to some degree before Anubis was born or perhaps even conceived. We don't fully know the details: as Isis indicates at the episode end, there's more to this that we're not seeing (and we'll probably see next episode), because Nephthys was proven honest by Maat's scales when Nephthys testified that she loved Osiris in S01E69.

The implication from S02E97 is that Hathor's mirror made Nephthys love Osiris, and Nephthys' affection/love/memories of love(?) was trapped in the mirror after she looked into it.

We don't quite have confirmation that happened, just Horus putting pieces together, and the implication we're going to either get confirmation/learn more at least in the next episode. Horus has been wrong before and hasn't had the whole picture before, lest we forget in S01E36-7 where he accused Sekhmet of imprisoning Nephthys in the mirror and making, "the fake Nephthys give birth to Anubis. [She] got rid of the real god of peace and provoked the god of war... ...in order to stain the land of Egypt with blood." (If the Nephthys in Heliopolis was never a fake after all, and mirror!Nephthys is just some of her memory/feelings, then yeah, Horus really didn't know the truth of the situation). He might still be right about some part of that, but recent episodes have seemingly indicated that while his intuition was right on points, he didn't investigate enough and came to the wrong factual conclusions about things, because he just trusted his intuition too much. He states as much in S02E97: how he relied overmuch on his intuition, which made him an idiot.

Anyway, on to the "Seth/Nephthys really did love each other and they're gonna get back together so now Horuseth can't be a thing anymore" stuff I see people doomposting about.

Folks do remember Seth loved Nephthys for a really long time, right? Like Seth says as much in S01E48: "I love Nephthys with all my heart". His loving her is not news. It's why the potential idea of her never loving him to begin with/Osiris' involvement hurt so bad.

If you think Nephthys needed to love him back to make his love for her... real(?) and thus, perhaps, his hurt valid or invalid or I don't know, that's just really strange. He loved her. He was hurt by the idea she never loved him, or never loved him fully, or otherwise lied about it, on top of lying to him about the identity of Anubis' biological father. For perhaps hundreds of years. It's still a tragedy, it's just perhaps more tragic because maybe Osiris really was a liar - like he seemed to be anyway, because he loves manipulating the truth/reality to his whims - and maybe Nephthys really was done wrong, too, by having her affections stolen.

Nephthys maybe loving him back doesn't make anything he went through that night less painful than it already was. More painful, perhaps, but it was already a tragedy. He was already on the road to becoming who he is now. It doesn't change the fact that unfortunately, Nephthys seemingly didn't love him at that point, and had lied to him about Anubis.

One of the few things we knew about Seth/Nephthys prior to S02E98 is that Seth would act angry so that Nephthys couldn't talk to him. In S01E41, Seth tells Osiris during the night of usurpation, "I always just acted angry so that I wouldn't have to hear what she had to say. She was probably afraid of things ending up this way..."

He already had regrets about their relationship. This just seemingly confirmed his fears (his fear of "being forgotten by them" from earlier in the episode/the previous episode).

People can move on from relationships. I don't personally see how, after everything both Nephthys and Seth have been through in the hundreds of years since what happened in S02E98, that Seth and Nephthys fully can come back to the relationship in the memory in S02E98. Possible, yes. Probable? Ehhh...

Seth might be glad Osiris is a confirmed liar. (If that's true: again, even Isis notes in the episode there's more to what's going on we haven't seen yet). Seth might be glad to know he really was loved. He might hate himself for doubting Nephthys. Seth might hate Osiris more for any number of things, particularly if Osiris intentionally placed the mirror in Seth's rooms to either make Seth fall in love with him or make Nephthys fall out of love with Seth (with the possible idea of making Seth turn to Osiris out of a sense of abandonment or something idk) or at least put Nephthys at risk of getting harmed.

It's been hundreds of years, though (if not more than that). Seth and Nephthys are now very different people, and Seth has a good and improving relationship with Horus. Nephthys saw Seth abuse Anubis (S01E05). Seth trapped Isis in the labyrinth, and Nephthys helped her out. Seth hurt a lot of people and cursed many people. Maybe whatever romantic love she might have had for him, even if she somehow gets it back, hasn't survived all that she's gone through and seen.

Seth's been through a lot, mentally, too. I kind of think he's moved on and after everything he's done, he might be too ashamed to go back to her. Even if it was out of their control that Nephthys stopped loving him, the other stuff still happened.

You don't need to doompost about Horuseth. Nothing has really changed. I say that in the sense that while the idea of Nephthys potentially having loved Seth until the mirror's interference might hurt him, particularly if he discovers Horus hid it from him, Seth is still who he is, he's still done all the things he's done, as king, as a father, as a husband, as a sibling, and he's still got this thing with Horus going.

Remember, in S02E70, Seth says to Horus, "I'm a god of the old generation who needs to disappear, not to mention an evil god who destroyed the country." He already has a lot of self-esteem issues and doesn't view himself highly. One reason he likes Horus is seemingly that Horus sees who he is beneath all that: believes in him as a guardian god, as a powerful god worthy of respect and affection ("My nephew, who dragged me down, is the only one who acknowledges me" - S02E74).

But also Seth did a lot of terrible things and he knows it. Horus is okay with that - to a degree at least, particularly with Seth trying to make amends - but is Nephthys? Nephthys, who gave him the curse bracelet - which nearly killed him multiple times - to make amends? She says in S01E66 she doesn't want him to be purged, and she clearly wants to support him, but that's not the same as wanting to live as his wife/partner again.

If nothing else, what keeps Horuseth together might be Seth realizing this doesn't change all that much about who they are. He could be mad at Horus. I can see him getting furious about this. He might even attack Horus, maybe even badly injure or kill him (but it's possible Horus could be revived, like how Isis revived Osiris, or something about Horus' uniqueness as a demigod/god). Maybe they'll separate and have an eventual reconciliation. But I don't personally believe they're doomed as a couple because of this. There's too many ways for them to stay together or get back together.

People can have past good, healthy relationships and not stay together. Sometimes we just grow out of relationships and into new ones. It happens. Horus makes Seth feel seen and cared for, and he listens to things that seemingly Seth's siblings - even maybe before whatever happened with Nephthys happened - didn't listen to, like Seth's opinions about eating or his opinions on his "duty" to guard Egypt or Seth's status as a god or his relationship with Isis.

Maybe Seth/Nephthys gets back together briefly but Seth goes back to Horus in the end because they don't work or he loves Horus more and his and Nephthys' time apart just doesn't let them work or Nephthys wants to focus on herself for a while. Maybe Seth attacks Horus because Horus hid info about Nephthys' affections. Maybe Horuseth reconciles because Seth realizes Horus genuinely loves him and hid whatever he learned because he genuinely loves Seth or was otherwise afraid of talking or how to explain it, and Seth realizes it's a messy thing to explain. Maybe Horus didn't say anything because, like he was seemingly aware the first time he went into the mirror, mirror!Nephthys/her affection for Seth, can't come out of the mirror anyway, so what's going to change? This is encouraged by the fact that Isis apparently learned all of this and did nothing about it. Even the god of magic - and miracles - hasn't freed mirror!Nephthys, when she possibly had opportunity (or maybe there's another reason we haven't learned yet for why she didn't; point is we don't know much). Seth might look at that and go, "I really hate this, but I guess it's just how things are now, and I'm going to learn to live with it."

Maybe Seth realizes that, despite everything, he genuinely cares for Horus and this isn't going to defeat them. That Horus had his back time and again. Sometimes things being out of our control don't mean we can just go back to how we were. Life happens. He's still got Nephthys' curse bracelet :/

If you, like I, believe Horuseth is real at this point, have faith that it'll continue to be real despite this. Horus is the main love interest, it's a boys love series, their relationship is pretty strong already, and more to the point, Mojito is a good writer. I think they'll be fine.

[inconmess]

I've been building up this post for quite a while so I think everything in this post is kinda out of order and looks like a bit of a big word vomit... So sorry in advance. Also since it is kinda longer than I realise, I am putting it under the cut. And I am open to any discussion.

(Personally think I may have gotten a few things wrong and if so, please correct me?)

I think the thing about Orym and grief is... A part of him has never let himself grieve his loss properly. He has accepted that they are dead and will never come back, yes. He makes it a point to live up to them everyday, yes. But acceptance is not the same as grief, it is a part of it but not the same.

And this was an interesting discussion I was having with my friends and I feel that it strikes so true here, is the fact that you remember the worst moments of your life more vividly than the happiest moments because in your happy moments, you don't question what happened to you as much as you question your worst moments in life.

And Orym has lived with that question for six years. Now, the same could be said to Ashton and Imogen and Fearne and the rest of the Bells Hells really but as pointed out in this post by @caeslxys. (a really good pot btw) Even though the others have had their questions as to why a particular bad incident happened, Orym has had the shortest time to actually cope with it while for the others, it has been years at this point and maybe they have sort of come to peace with most of their shit before it came back to hit them in their face. And for some, it just hit them recently.

And for Orym the question of "Why?" resurfaces again and again the more he seeks out answers and when he does get the answer... I don't think anyone would really love to learn that the two most important people in their lives were dead because "it was just collateral damage. They didn't really have to die but they did." Not when you were having a happy, peaceful life. They signed up for this, yes. But it is also not fair to have your whole life cut short just because a big shot wants to test a theory.

And I am not trying to say that Orym bringing up his losses every time they have a discussion about the Vanguard is right or wrong because he has every right to and may be wrong at the same time because he is biased. Because at this point, he is very biased.

Apart from what I mentioned above, Orym watched Otohan kill his husband and father. He fought Otohan again and this time lost his life, Fearne and Laudna. He fights Otohan again and nearly loses Keyleth. Fights Otohan again a fourth time and knows that there would've been more losses if FCG hadn't sacrificed themselves. Not to forget Otohan killing Eshteross, something I think Orym internally blames himself for because she read his mind for the information. And even if Otohan is now dead, the loss stays.

I also think that seeing Will when he died had more of a personal impact than he realised because I know while seeing the dead person can sometimes bring some comfort, at the same time, when you are trying to live up to them, trying to answer questions that are just beyond you when you really haven't had the chance to completely grieve and accept, the grief possibly just hits you more.

SO while the Hells have had their personal losses with the Vanguard and Otohan, I think Orym has had the longest beef with the group among them all. He didn't know about the Vanguard 6 years ago, yes. He discovered their name along with the rest of the Hells. But loss wise, Orym was the first of the lot to suffer due to the Vanguard.

This is not me trying to put an exact scale or measurement of the loss cuz it is intangible and stuff. But he's been dealing with it for 6 years. Maybe not for harbouring revenge, but the resentment hasn't completely gone but rather festered the more he seeked answers. So he is going to be extra jaded.

But not to forget the fact that up until Bordor, he did try to see the Vanguard's point too, still kinda does (the locket he took from a Vanguard member as a reminder) but I think by the time of Bordor's betrayal, he's had too many losses with the Vanguard to actually care of their point of view because all he's seen of their group is innocent people getting killed or almost killed for no reason at all.

Bordor's beef as a person from the Vanguard had been against Laudna, Orym and Ashton but he still nearly killed Prism and would've probably marked it off as collateral if she'd died. Dropping off the locket with Bordor doesn't mean that he left all his empathy but at the same time, like he mentions, they are at war. And war doesn't really discriminate amongst people. It just takes.

Like he said to Imogen, I think he still tries to believe the Vanguard can have some people who are good and not all of them are evil but all he's know from the Vanguard at this point is loss and Liliana's blind faith towards Ludinus or Predathos doesn't help.

So back to the recent episode.

Do I think that it is wrong for Orym to bring up to Liliana about his dead family as an answer to her response. No. Do I think it was a wrong time to bring it up? Maybe. Because Liliana was not being confrontational but Orym was turning confrontational the more the discussion happened.

But the thing about Orym saying it to her face is that... It is one thing to know that there have been deaths and even if Liliana didn't directly cause it, she was a part of the group that did and brush it off as collateral damage. And no one does a census or survey post the "collateral damage" on how it affects the other person because now, they have what they want to there is no use to go back there.

And Orym is kinda like that mirror which is like... "SO you had a loss because of the gods and now are going around leaving collateral damage you want to fix stuff? Guess what? Your collateral damage was my life that you just uprooted just like the gods/god people did yours, so are you really any different from the people you hate and the change you want to bring about?" (which is kinda the parallel between Orym and Bordor I find really interesting because this is a cycle that is never ending at the end of the day)

And did Orym need that outlet? Hells yeah. GIVE THAT MAN A HUG!

[theoceanoasis]

Soundrod

Soundwave goes looking for Rodimus after a one night stand. He finds him four months later with a belly thats pretty big and a noticeable waddle.

"What did you do?"

He stared at the text for a long time wondering what Ravage was talking about.

"What happened?"

"I can smell you on him. How could you forget protection!?"

"What?"

He sat up staring at the message in shock.

"What are you talking about?"

"Have you hooked up with anyone recently?"

He was about to respond with no he hasn't when he suddenly froze remembering a few weeks ago. The Lost Light had landed on Cybertron which meant Megatron was back.

He ended up getting really drunk and there was a pretty speedster who's valve felt so perfect around his spike as he clung to him moaning and begging for more.

He couldn't remember if they used protection or not. Both of them were drunk and eager to touch each other.

"Send me the coordinates to the Lost Light I'm coming there immediately."

"I'll see you soon. Although he's been trying to hide it I know it won't be long before others notice."

"It wasn't that long ago. How can he be showing already?"

"I think he's carrying twins."

He stood there in shock and then began packing his stuff.

"I'll see you soon. Watch over him until I get there."

"Of course."

He hung up and Ravage sent the coordinates and a way to track the Lost Light. He got his affairs in order before leaving as soon as possible.

If Rodimus was hiding his carrying there had to be a reason and that's what worried him the most. Although he didn't know him very well he wasn't going to let anything happen to him or their sparkling. They could figure everything else along the way.

When he finally reached the Lost Light they had landed on a planet to refuel and gather supplies. He observed Rodimus and noticed he was wearing something to hide his belly. Looking at the others it seemed they were unaware including his Amica.

On the way over he'd pulled up Rodimus file and learned everything he could about him, wanting to be prepared.

With Ravages help the two of them met up in secret away from prying optics. Rodimus was shocked and put a protective hand on his tanks without realizing it.

He'd suspected he was a tank carrier but this confirmed it. Rodimus must have realized what he did because he freaked out looking panicked.

He quickly reassured him because he just wanted to talk. Rodimus was weary and protective of their sparkling which made something inside of him happy.

"I want to join the Lost Light and be there for you and our sparkling."

Rodimus had looked conflicted reminding him that Megatron was there. Although he didn't want to deal with his former friend he accepted it wanting to be there for Rodimus. Who looked surprised that he'd stay with him even if he had to deal with Megatron someone he despised. It made his spark hurt as he wondered who hurt Rodimus and promised himself that he'd never be like them.

Finally he agreed and after filling out the necessary paperwork thanks to Ultra Magnus he was now part of the crew.

Both of them wanted to be close but they weren't ready to share a room yet. So he got the one next to Rodimus which used to be Drifts.

When they were finally alone in the privacy of Rodimus room he asked to see his bump. He looked nervous and he tried to reassure him knowing the horror's tank carriers faced on Cybertron.

Eventually he agreed and he gasped looking at his belly in awe.

"You're so beautiful."

Rodimus blushed and let him touch his belly. Which seemed to soothe the carrier and their sparkling having him so close.

He stroked his belly and talked to their little one. When he looked up at Rodimus he could see that he was equally as excited as he was.

There was an electrifying tension between the two of them as though they were too magnets coming together. The two of them began to make out and he helped lay Rodimus in his bed, while he worshipped his beautiful body.

If Rodimus wasn't already sparked he would have been from the amount of transfluid that had been pushed inside of him.

When the two of them were finally satisfied they cuddled together and fell asleep. Both of them excited for the future.

[psychicreadsgirl]

Could you please do a personality and general reading (career/health/love) for Jang Wonyoung (IVE)?

Personality wise/other stuff I pick up about her

Very guarded, secretive, protective of herself, has very few friends (almost 0), independent, focused on her career, very serious (don't joke about her), very cold, doesn't really express her emotions/doesn't really feel much, kind of robotic, has some trauma that she is deeply suppressing like if she remembers this incident or some other ones she'll break down, suppresses her feelings a lot so she doesn't feel anything, determined, disciplined, worries a lot

I'd say her mental health is pretty poor - also probably grinds her teeth a lot due to stress/anxiety. Her personality is very suppressed or robotic because of her mental health. She is blocking a lot of feelings/emotions - when I read her, I just get a very empty person, almost like a pretty porcelain doll...

She could potentially break down fully at any time if she gets triggered. Either her mental health is so poor that she can't even stand on stage or her physical health is so bad that she needs to be hospitalized.

There are some traumatic/unhappy instances that she would like to forget and keeps blocking them away. I think her thinking is that as long as she doesn't feel, she won't get hurt. She'll probably overwork herself or control herself in unhealthy ways like diet. She gets some sense of control when she's able to control what she eats and her weight. She tries to fill the emptiness/unhappiness in her life by getting more CFs etc because that makes her feel like what happened was worth it (i.e. she's successful etc.)

It is difficult to get a true personality reading for her at this moment in time because she has shut herself down completely. You're really looking at an empty shell within her right now. If you look at her eyes from recent pictures, you can see that they're more or less empty. There's no "soul" in the eyes. Perhaps years ago, she was more energetic, optimistic, and happy.

(Compare Wonyoung's eyes with the other 2 guests beside her. You'll see what I mean.)

*So this Wonyoung post became frozen when I clicked post, yet it still posted. That to me means that Wonyoung feels very stuck in her current situation yet time still goes on, so she sort of feels like she has left herself behind at a platform a long time ago while everyone's time sort of continues to go on. I think she does want help/want a way out of this because my post still got published. If she didn't want her situation to be known at all, then my post would have just completely froze and I wouldn't have been able to publish it at all. Unfortunately at this time I don't think I see anyone extending their hand out to help her nor is she directly asking for help. She's too guarded for anyone (tbh) to offer help..

[nickgerlich]

Last Time

It’s time for one of my favorite blog topics, one I return to each semester. No, it’s not fluff and filler when I can’t find something else more important to talk about. It’s got a heavy dose of nostalgia, but you often don’t recognize that delightful taste until I push you to do something first.

And what is that, Dr. Gerlich? Simple. I want to you think back to the last time you used a product or service, but at the time, did not know it was going to be the last time. That’s another way of saying you probably had no clue what was happening around you, how your consuming ways were about to change, but they sure did.

I bring this up because of a news item I saw about the new Jeep Wrangler ditching manual windows in favor of powered ones, effectively ending an era in how vehicles were made. You won’t be able to find a crank window in any new vehicle from henceforth, although if you look around used car lots, you might get lucky.

But who wants to “roll down your window” like that anyway?See what I did there? It was so part and parcel to vehicles that it became enmeshed in the vernacular. It’s kind of like an old person like me saying “fast forward,” when we’ve been skipping forward for years now. Well, unless you are still using VHS and audio cassette tapes.

My last vehicle with manual windows was a 1987 Mazda B2200 pickup. I bought it when I was a grad student at Indiana U, and I was on a tight budget. Even then, power windows were a pricey option, although they had first appeared in 1940 on the Packard 180. When I bought my ’91 Dodge Caravan, it came fully loaded. None of that manual stuff for me.

Our lives are filled with stories like this, though. Technology continues its rampant rate of change, and new things are replacing old all the time. It’s just that while we often welcome the new, we forget about the old as it slips into the rear view mirror.

And if you are young enough, you may have missed out completely. Unless you are nostalgically buying and playing vinyl records, you have no idea what a “broken record” is.

So I must ask you, my primarily young students. Have you ever even written a check? I doubt it. I still have a checking account for those rare times I need to make a payment that way, but I recently noticed in my ledger that six months have passed since the last time. There was a time, though, when we used checks for everything, especially at the grocery and other retail shops. That was before debit cards.

Let’s think back to some other things that have all but disappeared from our lives, like pay phones. Remember them? That’s what you used when you were away from home and needed to make a call. While coins were required in the earliest years, eventually they started allowing phone card dialing so you didn’t have to carry a coin purse with you to keep feeding the phone. Thank you, cell phones. You have made our lives easier.

Remember fax machines? I have sent many a fax, but not long ago had need to send one from the office only to find out we no longer have a machine capable of doing so. That’s why we save documents as PDFs and either email or upload them. While we’re talking computing, here’s another one. What about thumb drives? Today we save things to the cloud.

And then there’s music. I was once a huge collector of CDs, amassing more than 1500 of them. But then iTunes started selling songs and albums for download, I quietly switched. Pretty soon, Spotify came around, and the subscription era of music listening arrived. Much the same can be said for DVDs. We rent our content now on streaming services. Oh, and my wife is slowly but surely selling my CDs and DVDs on eBay, because there are collectors of such things. Some have held their value well.

Do any of you remember having a newspaper delivered to your house? Of course, I do, but I quit in spring 2015 after my Golden Retriever destroyed one too many papers. He loved to get the paper at the end of the driveway before dawn, then bring it to the front porch. But he would forget that it was for me, and he would shred it. I got tired of that, and I haven’t had ink smudges on my fingers in nearly a decade now.

There’s one product category that has made a comeback, though, and that is wearables. Around 2010 my students made fun of me for wearing a wrist watch, something I had done since I was five years old. They argued convincingly that my iPhone was a pretty good timepiece, and a watch was redundant. You should have seen the white stripe around my left wrist when I removed my watch for the last time, skin as white as the driven snow. I had to be careful for a while not to let it get sunburned.

Apple, though, reinvented, if you will, the watch, and now millions of people wear them. I don’t. I kind of like not having something on my wrist, and to be honest, I don’t want any more crazy tan lines. You should see my arms, thighs, and ankles, with very distinct lines that may as well have been tattooed. I get a lot of sun from all the walking and hiking I do, and those lines linger all winter long.

I’ll leave this subject for you to ponder now. What are some of the things you have done for the last time, and didn’t even realize it at the time? I bet the list is long, even for my students who are only 20 years old. Your list is only going to get longer.

Get cranking.

Dr “My List Is Very Long” Gerlich

Audio Blog

[0shewrites0]

Hi! So I recently replayed both Lucas and Henrik routes in a really long time and there's something that makes me think.

We all know it goes Henrik wanted to pick Priya at the Disaster Recouping and Lucas was Hope. But, Henrik also likes Lottie, somehow he doesn't even glance at her? And you have Lucas suddenly worried about Priya who barely showed interest in. What happened there?

Now the guy who returns saying they would have chosen MC if they had the chance is a whole other thing. But the part that gets to me is the fact they'd make Lucas emphasize more than once that it's MC he was after. Yet, for some reason seemed to put more effort into how "disappointed" he was and how he doesn't like MC much, to the point he comes off as fake and Henrik comes off as more genuine. Does that make sense?

Like what is "You read things wrong" supposed to mean and why are you talking about a "spark" when you were dissing me five seconds ago?

I do think it had more to do with FB's cluelessness and laziness that seemed like an extra effort to emphasize no one is supposed to be happy they don't get who they want, but then go and insert "I knew you were the one I wanted" into his dialogue.

Like not to be biased, but you're making the man say it more than once and if that was his supposed "initial choice" then I don't see why the "no one is happy" was forced onto him as well, especially if you've been nothing but nice. He just ends up looking like he has a split personality.

Hey there!

So I just replayed s2 and I made Lucas get dumped before Casa Amor. I told him on the night it was announced that he was up for dumping along with Rahim and Rocco that I would’ve wanted him to stay. Then when he got dumped a day later I stayed with him (I took the gem choice) and made it clear that I would’ve coupled up with him if I’d had the chance. But I didn’t kiss him or did anything else that would be considered cheating.

I came back single from Casa Amor while Henrik had obvs switched to Blake, then saved Elijah for Chelsea and Henrik and Blake got dumped.

I’m currently coupled up with Bobby so when Lucas re-enters the villa on day 24 I’m acting really happy to see him again. He kissed me on the cheek and made it very clear that he would’ve chosen me to couple up with if he had stayed in the villa. Then he asked me how it’s going with Bobby and I answered that I was still waiting to be swept off my feet. When the date ended, I pecked him on the cheek and he did too and then we went back.

I did take the roof terrace gem choice later on but - again - didn’t cheat on him and later at night during the party I met him up there as well. He told me he really wanted me but didn’t want to put me on the spot and because I STILL didn’t want to cheat I told him I just wanted to chill, so that’s what we did.

Honestly, I really don’t know where he says stuff like “You read things wrong” or tells MC that he’s disappointed/that he doesn’t like her that much. Maybe you can clarify that? Because it never happened on my route.

Now, here are my thoughts/opinions on everything else. I said it in another post but I’ll repeat it here:

We were always supposed to participate in Operation Nope and kiss Noah so that he’d couple up with us during the disaster recoupling

IF it’s Lucas who’s still in the villa while Henrik’s gone, it really makes a lot of sense for Lucas to pick Priya because Hope is coupled up with Jakub and MC is coupled up with Noah by then. Marisol never interested him and don’t even start with Lottie

BUT I honestly think Lucas’s route wasn’t supposed to go like this in the first place. He was supposed to be “the one that got away” and that’s why they make him emphasise multiple times how he’s come back for MC and for MC alone and that he remembers what she told him the night he was voted to get dumped and whatnot

People are always complaining how it doesn’t make sense for Lucas to be so “pushy” about being intimate with MC when they’re forgetting that 1) he’s not pushy because he accepts your “no” without being pissy or sarcastic about it and without trying to persuade you to do something you don’t want to do and 2) he’s watched the woman of his desire crack on with the boys in the villa for two weeks while he was stuck at home having to WATCH her without being able to do anything more. He’s ACHING to kiss her and act out all his fantasies. And that’s so fucking hot, please.

Remember how he tells Gary on day 5 that he “doesn’t bed everything that walks”? And that still stands true. EVEN at this point. That’s exactly why he later on breaks up with MC, too, if she decides to cheat with him. Because MC knew that and she still let him get his way EVEN THOUGH she was coupled up with someone else at that point. Cheating is such a huge red flag in his eyes. And yes, maybe he’s testing MC here who knows? Maybe it’s bad writing or maybe it’s a mix of all three, i don’t know

Now with Henrik, it’s different. Because Lucas - unlike Henrik - will almost always say that MC is his type while you have to put in effort to get Henrik to say your name. You basically have to reject Lucas all the time. That tells me that Henrik wasn’t supposed to re-enter the villa on day 24. Henrik’s route was meant to be more of a slow burn I reckon. But maybe that’s just my opinion.

Also, why is he picking Priya without so much as a glance at Lottie? Well, that’s crystal clear. HE is actually the one to ask Lottie “trouble in paradise?” the day the dumping on day 7 happens. Lucas, Henrik, MC and Lottie are chilling on the lawn when Gary joins them and Lottie asks him to get her and MC the cuppas he had promised, then proceeds to say “I can’t put my finger on him”. Henrik is highly empathetic and he knows there’s unfinished business between her and Gary; and not just from watching the show (he saw their kiss the night Hannah was dumped, don’t forget that!) He probably also realised that Lottie wasn’t an option BECAUSE she was so hung up on Gary. So why would he force someone into a couple who doesn’t want to be there? Henrik is the opposite of selfish so that would be highly ooc for him. That’s why he then chooses Priya if we’re already in a couple with Noah.

Does that make sense for you? If not, my inbox is always open! It might take me a while to respond to your ask tho <3

[theambitiouswoman]

Hi, I hope you're having a wonderful day 💌 I've been struggling for a while. My closest friend (really, she was like a sister to me and not really a cousin) just hurt me badly by falsely accusing me of something that I didnt do and ganging up on me with the rest of our friends in our little group. I was accused of doing many things that I didn't do and even when I gave my evidence that I genuinely didn't do anything, they still wouldn't believe me. In actuality, it was just the consequences of their actions coming up to bite them and they have no one else to put it on but the person who's been pulling away from the group because they felt left out (me). This happened recently and I've been trying to move on and forgive all of them for what they wrongly accused me of doing and the ugly stuff they said afterwards, but it's tearing me apart how someone who I was so close with from childhood would betray me and abandon me for someone they started getting close to only a few months ago. I've always kept people at a distance for most of my life, but I finally started opening up last year and even more this hear (after being hurt by many), this happens.

I guess, my question is, how do I move on from feeling hurt and betrayed by a close friend? How do I properly forgive them?

Betrayal can be very painful, especially when it comes from someone you trust and care about.

Give yourself time to heal and process your emotions.

You can try writing a letter to the person who betrayed you. Writing a letter is therapeutic because it allows you to express your feelings without interruption.

It’s important to try to understand exactly what it is that you feel upset about. The more specific you can be about what you’re feeling, the easier it will be for you to work through those feelings.

When you’re ready, you can talk to your friend about how they hurt you. Stay composed while you explain how they hurt you and let your friend give a viable explanation and listen. Avoid arguing, but be assertive with your point of view.

Forgiveness is not about forgetting what happened or excusing the behavior of the person who hurt you. It’s about letting go of anger and resentment so that you can move on with your life.

Remember that life is a growing experience.

We can’t shield ourselves from experiences out of fear of getting hurt because we won’t know how to navigate situations when they arise. You will have new friends, and you will lose friends. You deserve good friendships. But you need to use discernment when making new friends and learning who to trust.

Figure out what type of values and characteristics you are looking for in a friend. But always remember that you can’t look for another “you” in others. Everyone is different and disagreements are normal in relationships/friendships.

If the relationship is important you guys will overcome it. Maybe you won’t, but it’s okay. Because you allowed yourself to let someone in and that’s huge!

Life is funny and just because you may outgrow someone one day, doesn’t mean that your paths won’t intertwine at another point. You will also meet loads of new people who are aligned with the version of you that exists at all points in your life. At all the versions that will exist of you 💗

[davycoquette]

What're your favorite books?

Is this real, or something Tumblr just does? 🥴 If one of y'all asked me this, thank you!

My favorite sentimental books are:

The Road by Cormac McCarthy

IMO the most "accessible" book by the author I look up to most. I picked it up in the book store, read it IN the book store, bought it, and have given it to several readers since. It's devastating, quick to consume, beautifully written (McCarthy was a genius), and it never leaves you.

The Call of the Wild by Jack London

Jack London is a top favorite author, too. This book is important to me because as a Girl Who Loved Wolves, it was what I wanted to write when I was a kid. I remember buying it at a book fair when it was waaaay above my reading level - but that never stopped me from trying. I was so proud when I finished it. A few years ago I read through it in one sitting, and laughed at what a simple book it actually is. It's a great adventure novel, though. If anyone enjoys Jack London's (very fun) writing & wants to read about human characters, I recommend Sea Wolf.

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

My introduction to Jane Austen. Not my usual cup of tea, but I cannot put anything she writes down. I feel like this lady really understood the human heart - and she awoke something in me and every other reader in the enemies to lovers department with this novel.

A Separate Peace by John Knowles

Read this one when I was very, very young and will never forget it. The bond between the main character and his friend continues to be a major influence in the way I have my characters interact. The story is heartwrenching. The dark academia vibes are awesome. If you like Saltburn and would still enjoy it with 800% less weird sex stuff (not that I am complaining about the weird sex stuff in Saltburn lmao), I think you'll enjoy this classic novel.

Since those are classics and kind of obvious, I'd like to throw in a few things I've read recently that I'd recommend - not permanent favorites, maybe, but still good reads:

Knockemstiff by Donald Ray Pollock

I do not recommend this one to folks with strong triggers, or anyone who is squeamish about reading some bleak, FUCKED UP shit. It's fucked up, but this dude's writing is stunning. The happenings in this vignette about an Appalachian town are a train wreck; horrifying, but you cannot look away.

Gentlemen of Space: A Novel by Ira Sher

It's been a couple years, but I found this book in a beach house and read the first few chapters there. I was mesmerized by the premise (boy's father is an astronaut who goes to space then cannot get back, to keep it short & simple), and the haunting prospect of the two "communicating." If I recall correctly, it got little attention and poor reviews. While none of the characters particularly interested me, the prose was so good I bought another book by this author. I think this one is aesthetically fascinating and would love to hear others' thoughts on it.

Lonesome Dove by Larry McMurtry

I am not actually finished with this one, yet! I'm listening to the audio book, and Spotify only lets me listen to so much a month. I am kind of enjoying the fact it's forcing me to slow down to absorb and anticipate the next installments, so I'm not paying extra. Plus, wtf, Spotify. You cost enough money already. Anyway - this book is SO slice of life at times. So wholesome and enjoyable and pleasant. Then, when it isn't wholesome, enjoyable, or pleasant, it's absolutely horrifying. I can't speak to how politically correct it is. It's a Western, published in 1985. There's "cowboys vs Indians" stuff in it. If that's not something you feel you can enjoy reading, I cannot recommend this one. But! if you want to take your time and really indulge in a pretty slow paced but still fascinating Western, this one is brilliantly engaging.

[blackbird-brewster]

Welcome to another instalment of sad trash Jemily head canons! Today's song: 'Light On' by Maggie Rogers.

Rated: General Pairing: JJ/Emily Tags: Angst, open ending WC: 3400 Cross Posted to AO3 - READ HERE

Emily has trouble sleeping. She always has, but her insomnia/night terrors are really bad when she first joins the BAU because it's her first time in active field duty in a long while. and it naturally pings shit about Doyle.

They're coming back from a long case, it's a red eye flight. everyone is sleeping, but Em is just reading. JJ wakes up to use the bathroom and sits back with Em and says something casual like 'oh can't sleep?"

Emily dismisses it like 'haha, no, i never sleep. even if we were already home, i'd probably just be driving around to clear my head'

But JJ actually gets it, she doesn't sleep well most nights either. So she extends a vague invitation like 'well, if you ever find yourself in my neighbourhood in the middle of the night -- just knock. I'm probably up too'

Emily doesn't think anything of this, passes it off as a joke.

But then after Children of the dark, Emily finds herself driving. she's thinking about Carrie and that leads to thinking about Declan and she's NOT going to sleep anytime she thinks of him.

She's been in the car for who knows how long, but ends up gravitating towards JJ's although she doesn't consciously understand why.

And to her surprise, the porch light is on. She parks outside for a minute and remembers the off-hand comment JJ said sometimes last year about always being up late.

But Em realises that was a year ago, it'd be way too weird to knock at 2am now.

So, she goes home.

>>> More Below the Cut

The very next month, Pen gets shot. Emily is worried sick after leaving the hospital. But she can also still feel JJ's hand in hers even though that was three hours ago and that scares her in ways that have recently become more conscious to her, even if she's still trying to deny it.

She goes for a drive.

She winds up in front of JJ's again -- and the porch light is on.

This time, Emily actually parks. She gets as far as the front step before realising she's being an idiot and chickens out.

JJ has never said anything about this stupid vague offer to her ever since that ONE time, it'd be WILD for Emily to show up now.

She goes home and tries to forget about the whole thing.

months go by. Em finds herself in front of JJ's every few weeks in her usual night drive. The light is on every time, but she can never work up the courage to knock.

But in that same period, Emily has finally admitted to herself just how much she likes JJ. They're inseparable at work, she thinks JJ is the most amazing woman she's ever known.

And Emily knows she's hard crushing, but there's no way in hell she's going to tell JJ any of that

The team gets called to Miami.

Will is there. This random redneck guy from New Orleans who JJ laughed about the entire case the year prior. She'd tell Emily how he was hitting on her and stuff and the two of them thought he was so grating.

But now he's here. In Miami.

And the way JJ greets him -- something about it makes Emily uncomfortable.

She watches them together and it's not hard to see what's happening. At some point after the case in New Orleans, they obviously got together.

In a form of self-preservation, Emily pushes JJ towards him the whole time they're on the case. She's trying to get JJ to admit the truth.

But when it's confirmed, when JJ does go after him and make their relationship known - -Emily feels sick

She knew she had a crush, but the moment she sees JJ kissing Will at the end of the case -- she realises its SO much more than a crush.

When the team gets back, Emily is driving all night. She goes through half a tank of gas, just mindlessly driving so she doesn't have to focus on how much this HURTS.

She finds herself in front of JJ's, like she always does.

The porch light is on.

As if she doesn't have control of her own body, she parks.

She gets out.

She walks to the door.

Her hand is halfway to knocking when she pulls away.

She can't do this to JJ, not RIGHT after JJ told everyone she's in a relationship.

She's already turned to leave when the door opens.

"Em?"

She turns around and finds JJ standing there. God, how is she THAT beautiful at 3am??

"I thought you'd never actually knock," JJ says. "Come in."

Emily follows her inside and JJ points to the front window that faces the street. There's a big comfy chair there with a side table full of books.

JJ says, "I've been sitting here every night for over a year. Just waiting for you to actually do it. I left the light on, just hoping one day you'd knock. But you never have."

"No, I haven't." Emily mutters. She's so embarrassed. JJ has SEEN how many times Emily has parked outside of her house and never done anything about it.

JJ smiles and nods kind of solemnly. Of course she knows why Emily's never had the courage. She knows Emily well enough, she knows that Emily likes her. And truthfully, JJ has liked her back for even longer. But Emily never made a move, so JJ thought it was all in her head.

JJ makes them tea, they talk about the case, they talk about the weather, politics, current events, they talk about EVERYTHING except the one thing they both KNOW needs talking about.

Even then, neither of them want to name their feelings.

Emily doesn't leave until sunrise. And for once, she sleeps soundly. She's never gotten better sleep in her adult life.

Over the following weeks, she and JJ have this little middle of the night routine.

And every time Emily goes home, she sleeps for a solid eight hours without night terrors.

It's a miracle.

Then, Will shows up while the team is on a case. He's mad, telling JJ she shouldn't be in the field.

And Emily realises suddenly, that although she's known that JJ was in a relationship with him ever since the case in Miami -- in all the nights they've stayed up together, JJ has never brought him up. And it basically made Emily forget about him completely.

But here he is now, so it's hard to ignore.

It's even harder to ignore their relationship when he outs that JJ is pregnant.

She must have known for a while, Emily thinks. She must have known she was pregnant all those nights they've been staying up talking.

And it makes Emily sick. The unrequited love she's been trying to compartmentalise consumes her and she finds it impossible to think about anything else.

So she goes driving.

She finds herself naturally heading towards JJ's and there's a very big part of her that is SO ready to tell JJ to leave Will. To leave him, because he's not good enough for her. She doesn't have to stay with him JUST because she's pregnant.

Emily is more than ready to admit she loves her. To tell her she'll help in any way JJ needs, if only JJ could give her the chance.

But when she gets there -- the porch light is off.

She sits there, staring at the house, deciding whether or not to knock, but ultimately, she takes the light as a clear indicator this was a mistake.

She goes home. she doesn't sleep. she never sleeps if she hasn't talked to JJ.

Time goes by, it gets less painful to be around JJ now that Will's moved to DC to be with her properly.

Some nights, Emily still finds herself outside the house.

But the light is always off.

She never knocks.

She pushes away how much she loves JJ. She tries to ignore it, to forget it, to get over it.

But how can she when she's pretty sure JJ is the only person in the whole world Emily want's to be with for the rest of her life.

It's gruelling, painful, but Emily is the master of masking her true feelings. So she never says anything.

She never knocks.

She never sleeps.

And years pass. It's not a good routine, but it is a routine. She's so used to her insomnia, it doesn't bother her much. She stops driving by JJ's house eventually, there's no reason to. It just makes her feel worse, so she stops driving to that side of town when she's night driving.

JJ gets reassigned and it makes it easier at least. Emily doesn't have to see her every day. She misses her at work, but it's actually a blessing in disguise because it finally allows her time to get over her feelings.

Emily already wasn't sleeping, so when she realises Doyle is back, it's not too much of a change in her routine to stay up nights on end.

She doesn't drive though.

She spends her nights sitting in front of her door with a gun in hand.

Waiting for him, because she knows he'll be coming for her.

Even if she was out driving instead of just waiting -- it's not like she could talk to JJ about any of this. The team don't know about Doyle or Lauren or Valhalla.

It makes Emily realise that for how much she and JJ have talked, they really never said anything to each other.

Nothing of true substance. And that realisation hurts, because it's jsut another reminder that Emily's feelings have ALWAYS been unrequited.

Any gesture or chat or subtext she's built up in her mind, any hint that JJ might love her too, none of it's real. JJ doesn't even truly know anything about Emily.

Emily realises NO ONE knows her, not really. She's been on the team for four years and she's never let them truly get to know her. It wasn't on purpose, she's just so good at building walls, she doesn't even realise she's built them in the first place.

Before Doyle can come for her, she comes for him first.

Everything goes wrong.

She very nearly loses her life, but by some miracle, she makes it.

JJ escorts her to Paris for Emily to go into hiding, at least until Doyle's arrested.

It's the first time they've spent any real time together since JJ left the BAU.

This time, they do talk though. They really talk and Emily learns so much about JJ and to her own surprise, she tells JJ plenty about herself too.

They still don't talk about their true feelings, but they do connect in a way they never had before.

In Paris, Emily doesn't drive, but she walks. She walks at night to clear her head. It's never quiet in Paris, not really, there's always people bustling around. It's loud in ways DC wasn't, similar, but different.

But she walks, because she doesn't drive and she tries to clear her head most nights.

But she doesn't sleep.

The day Hotch calls her back to DC, the day she sees the team for the first time since they buried her. The first time she sees JJ since Paris, Emily feels so lost.

She doesn't sleep, so she drives.

She ends up at JJ's house.

And she parks, because she sees the light on.

Now that she knows where JJ's reading chair is, she eyes that window and she sees the curtains move.

She knows JJ must be waiting up for her, even though she's a mom now, she's got Will now, she should be sleeping -- but for whatever reason, she's not.

She's sitting there with the light on, just waiting for Emily.

Emily doesn't get out. She can't.

She leaves, goes home, and doesn't sleep.

Six months go by and she never sleeps. Everything is so loud and constant and conflicting and hard.

Her job never felt hard before. She's a great profiler, but ever since she came back, it's all wrong. It's difficult to focus on anything other than the fact everyone looks at her like she's a ghost, because to them, she is. To them, she always will be, in some regard.

She already wanted to leave, but JJ agreeing to marry Will was the deciding factor.

After the reception, Emily finds herself driving. She goes to JJ's, even though it's stupid, because it's JJ's wedding night. What does Emily plan to achieve tonight?

She's surprised, conflicted mostly, when she sees the light on.

It should feel comforting, to know JJ's still there for her, to know JJ's still waiting up for her. But it doesn't feel like that.

It hurts. God it hurts so bad Emily's half convinced she's actually having a heart attack.

It takes her ten entire minutes to recover enough to be able to drive again.

She gets home and doesn't sleep.

She stares at an email from Clyde. An email she's been avoiding for a week now.

She sends her reply and in doing so, she accepts a job in London.

When Hotch calls her to tell her JJ is missing, Emily is on a flight in an hour.

She barely makes it in time, but she does make it in time.

She stays in DC for a week, just to be sure JJ's alright -- even though Emily knows first hand, JJ will never be alright again after what she endured.

Emily finds herself driving her rental car at night. Haunting the same streets she's spent so many nights driving down.

She winds up at JJ's and she tells herself it's just because she's worried about her.

Emily's been living in London for nearly two years now, she's a different woman now. She's gotten over those feelings about JJ, she's really moved on.

But there she is. Right back in front of JJ's house in the middle of the night.

She's only hand surprised to see the light on.

She's a different woman now. She's braver, or she likes to think she is.

So she parks, she goes to the door, she knocks.

JJ answers and they sit in the kitchen all night long.

And when the sun rises, Emily leaves and goes back to her hotel. And she sleeps.

Not that she knows it, but JJ sleeps too. It's actually the first time in two years that JJ really sleeps through the night. Which is unexpected considering what she's just gone through.

But it's true. She sleeps.

Another two years. Emily comes back for a case and she stays an extra handful of days to catch up with the team.

It's really hard for her. Everyone asks how she's doing, is she happy in London, what's it like being the bigshot running an entire Interpol office?

She has a flight back to London at the first crack of dawn, so she doesn't sleep beforehand, in hopes she'll sleep on the plane.

She finds herself outside of JJ's house. There's no light, why would there be?

She and JJ don't really keep in touch anymore. They've grown apart like adults tend to do.

Emily gets on her flight and she spends the next eight hours not sleeping.

The next time she comes back, it's specifically to help out at the BAU.

JJ seems genuinely happy to see her and they go for a drink, they catch up in the same way they used to -- they talk without saying anything. But just spending time with JJ again is plenty for Emily. She missed this, she missed her best friend.

And late that night, Emily finds herself driving. Seeing JJ started to kick up old emotions Emily thought were long gone. And her head is so loud, she just needs to try and clear it. She's sure this feeling will pass, it's just her nerves about seeing the team again after so long.

She drives. She doesn't even pretend like she's heading anywhere other than JJ's house.

She's also not surprised when the light's off. Why would JJ be waiting for her, when Emily's barely a visitor here?

Emily can't possibly know that Will hates it when JJ leaves the light on. Early on, when he first moved in with her, he made a habit of flipping it off every night.

He mentioned it to her at the time, but she said it was just a habit, since she was used to coming home from cases at all times of night. And it was nice to have the light on to welcome her home. (It's a lie, but he believes it)

He always turns it off though, reminding her she doesn't need the light when he's right there to welcome her home now.

There would be random periods of time where she'd leave it one sometimes and he'd always flip it off. It was such a mundane thing, neither of them talked about it. Will just accepted it as one of those quirks that you get used to when you live with someone who does something out of habit and over time, it just became the routine. JJ would leave the light on randomly, he would turn it off.

It was so mundane, it's not like they talked about it. It was just about as normal as JJ closing the toilet seat when Wil left it up.

Suddenly -- Emily's here to stay though. She's taking up UC without warning and the team i shocked, but more so than anyone -- JJ is shocked.

She's shocked because this change stirs up something she had forgotten long ago. Feelings. It stirs feelings about Emily, about all the nights they stayed up talking. And it terrifies her.

She's got a whole life with Will and their two kids now. She cannot be feeling things for Emily.

She doesn't sleep anymore. She tosses and turns and spends most nights going downstairs to read in her chair.

She always leaves the light on when she does, some part of her just hoping Emily will turn up and take the choice out of JJ's hands. She wishes Emily would knock and finally, finally, talk to her and ACTUALLY say something. Because JJ knows she's never going to make the first move, not after all these years.

She never sees Emily's headlights though. Every night she sits and reads in her chair in the front window, with the light on, no one ever drives by.

The thing is -- Emily's a different person now. She loves being UC and she's good at it. It doesn't feel hard like it did after Paris.

And she actually sleeps now. Sleeps through the night with very little night terrors or issues. She owes that to years of therapy and the miracle of SSRIs.

She has no need to drive at night anymore.

Emily has her job, her career, and every once in a while, she'll date someone for a short stint to relieve her loneliness. Those relationships are only ever a temporary fix, she can never fully commit herself to any one person.

Not when she's known for years, that JJ is the only person in the whole world Emily would ever consider being with for the rest of her life. Not that it matters, that ship sailed too many years ago and Emily is okay with that. She's accepted her solitude and in actuality, she sleeps much better on her own anyway, so at least she has that. 

She and JJ find a new way to exist around each other. Mostly, they give each other a wide berth. They don't talk about why, but on some level, they both understand why it's difficult to have Emily back here, back here after so many years of late nights and talking where they never said what they meant.

And for the most part, it works for them. There are still times where one or both of them hint at the truth under the lies. But they never name it outright. They only ever acknowledge it through lingering glances, or vague conversations about the 'what-ifs' and 'if-onlys' of life.

But -- sometimes, after a really difficult case, JJ leaves her porch light on. Just in case. 

[rottenbrainstuff]

Star Wars rant:

Oh you guys

I watch documentaries while I do stuff - I’ve been watching Disney documentaries recently. The things I’ve just seen! You guys! You guys! You are not going to rewrite history that I still remember.

I am hearing people say all kind of crazyass things about what Disney did with Star Wars and where it made mistakes. You guys this wasn’t that long ago. I have heard someone say the reason that the rise of skywalker was bad was because the last Jedi went so weird with the writing that the third movie had nowhere to go - what! I don’t buy that for five seconds. As soon as TLJ came out, fans were discussing ideas for what we thought was going to happen next and no one had trouble creating outlines and ideas that all sounded a million times better than the shit we ended up getting. Please don’t blame TRoS on anyone but JJ Abrams and Chris Terrio! I even saw the Trevorrow script and look, it’s not amazing, but even that is better than what we got. (Slightly)

I heard someone say Star Wars fans were disappointed in TFA when it was released and we were just waiting to see what the next movie was going to be like. Y’all are trying to act like you knew what was going to happen in the end and you were smart and skeptical. That is completely fucking wrong. There WERE some hardcore gatekeeper fans who were disappointed it wasn’t down to their exacting checklist of things they wanted, and some folks wanted the new trilogy to follow the EU books. (And guess what happened when they made a movie to try and please the gatekeeping fans? We got TRoS) By and large, the fans were NOT disappointed. Are you kidding me??? We were ecstatic. Everyone at the cons wanted to talk about that movie, and everyone suddenly loved Star Wars again.

And I have actually heard with my own two ears some say that ohhhhh George Lucas had an outline of ideas for the sequel trilogies, but Disney threw them in the bin and didn’t use them, if we had just followed George’s master plan, we could have had a good sequel - my god - I knew it was only a matter of time before I heard someone say this. You are either: absolute goddamned hypocrites! You are the same people who sang “George Lucas Raped my Childhood” after the prequel trilogy came out! You cried louder than anyone that George Lucas ruined Star Wars, and NOW you want to walk that back and pretend like you actually liked him this whole time? Or else: you are too young to remember the absolute franchise killer that the prequel movies were, how utterly scorned they were at the time, you never read George Lucas’ original script for a New Hope (and btw that movie was a mess - the only reason it is as good as it is is because he had a great editor), you have never read any of his other outlines for things and realized how fucking stupid they are and how lucky we are he did NOT end up making anything more. The whole problem with the prequels was that George had too much control and not enough input from other people to keep things sensible. Oh my god no. No, no, no. Can we not say that? Ever? That’s like being served a dog turd for supper and saying that instead we should have eaten the moldy month old Kraft dinner in the forgotten Tupperware. Let’s not pretend the moldy Kraft dinner isn’t also nasty.

I can’t believe I’m hearing this, people just making up junk years later. Did you all seriously forget already? It wasn’t even that long ago!

[cinnaminsvga]

omg so i saw your account pop up on that bit at the side with accounts to follow and stuff and immediately was thrown back

i don't know how long ago it was actually but based on the fact I've recently revived my own writing account after like 3 years away and forgetting tumblr even exists, but it's been at least that long since I last saw your account but immediate like nostalgia

this sounds terrible but i genuinely can't remember what exactly I read of yours (other than probably most of it back in the day) but I just remember you were one of my fave writers, i don't really read bts anymore because i'm up seventeen's ass these days but ima have to go through your masterlist and reread stuff for the memories now

im pretty sure that there was one specific fic series you wrote that you made group chats for on kakao maybe, i was there for it i just have terrible memory. now watch it turn out it wasn't even you that did that 🥴

i actually meant to send an ask last night when I saw your account and followed you (i think i used to follow you from my personal but idk) but it was late so I thought "hey let's wait until tomorrow when you can string together more cohesive sentences, yeah?" and then this shit show happened. but at least im not actually screaming at you in this ask like i probably would've last night

anyway, just wanted to just idek just sort of reminisce a lil and tell you that it made me really happy to see your account after these years even if you're not always active, it's nice to see that you still pop back now and then 💖

(I apologise for the mess of this. i'd say im usually more eloquent but that's a fucking lie, im a complete mess all the damn time <3)

WOAGH this was an unexpected letter in my inbox i'll tell you what (a pleasant surprise!) but hello hello welcome back and thanks for taking the time to send a message after all these years :D the tumblr algorithm, in all its mystery and dysfunctionality, sometimes makes little fun things happen like this lol

judging by your description, that fic series you're talking about is very likely "the lonely hearts club", which i suppose is an smau rather than a fic but yenno... it was something alright... if you were there during the peak of it, when i had kakao group chats for it... then it must have been 6 years since youve been around these parts (i posted that in 2018!! aint that a strange thing!!)

also, i appreciate all and every screaming ask sent my way HAHA this was actually very fun to read because like you said, i'm not very active on this blog, but getting messages once in a while is still a sweet treat!! nice to know that strangers on the internet just feel... compelled to talk to me, yenno?? especially you, who had somehow stumbled onto my patch of land by some algorithmic miracle :D it's nice reminiscing with ya!! if you really were here back in 2018, then you've known me a long time (even if you forgot most of it HAHA but i dont blame ya... my memory is pretty foggy even on a good day) so thanks for making a short stop my way <3

[sillyname30]

I just listened to the latest episode of and that's what you really missed on Glee.

As always the guest episodes are so much better than the recaps. But the most fascinating thing for me was how different Jenna and Kevin were. They were so positive about working on Glee and the whole experience. If I have never listened to the recaps, I would have a totally different opinion on them.

Kevin described Brad Falchuk that way: He is one of the creators and writers of Glee. He brought it to us. Without him who would be be? We'd be nothing. (true) He has remainded a constant friend, a source of stability. He's a wonderful human being and also widely talented. We are lucky that we worked with him for so long and still can call him a friend.

Brad said that he was learning from mistakes (while doing Glee). „You guys were all very forgiving for our mistakes.“ (I don't think he has listened to any of the podcast episode. Jenna and Kevin are still bitching about stuff that happened 12 years ago.)

Brad talked about his work with Ryan and Ian. They are all very different, but somehow it works.

Kevin said that there was a point in season 2 where it felt some of their personal things started to end up in some of the stories. Brad said they were on set and they listened.

Brad said it was a really fun set 85 % of the time. It was the most fun place to be. It's either never fun because you're just doing work or it's chaotic or it's fun sometimes. But this was mostly all really raw and free and easy and fun.

Kevin said this it what people forget. It's easy to remember all the more negative things that might have come out afterwards. 85 % of it was absolute joy. It was a blast and they were idiots. (So Kevin and Jenna have no idea how negative they are with the recaps.)

And then Brad said nice things about Cory. Kevin said they just found out recently with the newer cast members that came on the show that he would take them out to lunch and check in with them to make sure that they were okay. Kevin and Jenna had no idea.

There was much more, but I can't write about everything. I can recommend this episode. It's worth a listen.