#I ate nothing but toast and Nutella for a whole week

[flintstill]

PEOPLE BE WRITING ABOUT THE END OF THE 2nd GOOD OMENS SEASON WHEN IT JUST FUCKING CAME OUT AND MY ASS JUST PUCKED THE FORST BACK UP

[lavidaatravezdeunavion]

Week 3

June 30 

We had to be up and ready to go at 7:40am because today we were going to be driving to the Jesuit Missionaries about 3 hours away. Before the missionaries, we went to an amethyst mine. It was cool to hear about it and they said that they don't export the gems so the only way to get it is by buying directly. The gems were breathtaking! 

After another two hour drive we finally arrived at the San Ignacio's missionaries and ate at the comedor right in front. I got a pollo milanesa and a salad. I crushed the salad but the pollo was average so I didn't finish it. 

After lunch we toured the missionary. Our tour guide explained to us that these missionaries were sent to spread the word of God to the Guarani People. They had built multiple communities in the surrounding area including brazil and paraguay. Later they were taken out and some of the guarani people went back to living in the jungle. San Ignacio was abandoned and destroyed, so the restoration is only partial. It was cool to be able to walk through their common spaces and know that a couple hundred years ago there were indigenous people walking on the same grounds. 

The tour finished and we loaded up on the bus for the three hour ride back home. We ate dinner at the hotel and I got a pumpkin soup as a starter and let me tell you I was a little on edge because I’ve never had pumpkin soup but it was sooooo delicious. Since it was a starter they only gave me a little but I would’ve been happy eating a whole bowl of it, 9/10. For my main course I got the fish of the day which was “pacu” with a side of mashed potatoes. Mashed potatoes didn’t disappoint but the fish could’ve been better. Not my cup of tea. And for dessert I got a flan. 

After dinner we all went to bed since we had to get up even earlier to head to the waterfalls.

July 1

We left the hotel at about 7:30am and headed to the waterfalls that was only 30min from our hotel. We were trying to get on the first train up to the waterfalls so that it wouldn’t be as crowded on the lookout. It was perfect timing because as we wrapped up taking all of our pictures a crowd of people were walking up. If you are able to get on the first or second train in Iguazú falls it honestly will make taking pictures a lot easier. 

After we saw “la garganta del diablo” we went to the little store they had and I got an empanadas de espinaca y queso (spinach and cheese). When I paid for it the guy told me to be careful with the animals. But I realized that the birds here are VERY vicious. I stayed inside to eat my empanada but my professor went out to drink her coffee and eat her empanada and got attacked by some birds! This is why they have cages specifically made for people to eat in LOL. 

We did another trail to see the falls from a different angle and it was just mind blowing. 

After the trails we had little time for lunch. I didn’t want to eat too much because we were going to be taking a boat tour right after. From one of the comedores I got some chicken and rice. While on this trip there are two things that I really miss: rice and beans. They have rice here but they usually eat potatoes and beans are not very popular here so my Salvadoran blood has been a little sad.

Anyway we got on the boat and I definitely recommend doing it if you are able. They give you a waterproof bag to put your stuff in and I also recommend taking your shoes off and putting them in the bag. I was also wearing a poncho which helped protect me, but regardless you will get wet. They take you really close to the falls and you can take some pictures in front but then they tell you to put your phones away because they take you sooooooo close to the falls and get soaked!! 

Once the ride was over we got back on our tour bus and headed back to the hotel.

For dinner, we ate at the hotel and I got the pumpkin soup, salad and the chicken milanesa with a side of mashed potatoes. Pretty good meal, favorite of course was the soup.

After dinner some friends and I went to the store to get something to drink. I got a white boxed wine that was only 55 pesos! (~$1.30). If you were wondering, no I did not finish it. 

July 2

We were able to sleep this morning till about 9am since we had to leave the hotel at 10am. We got on the plane and headed back to Buenos Aires.

 After we got off the plane and back to the resi (which I sort of missed) we dropped off laundry and got a little snack.

Later that night we went to “Caracas bar” to watch the Brazil vs Argentina game. I got this drunk called guarapanita which was rum and fruit juice. I also got some tostones de carne which really hit. The bar was a really cool and had a big screen to watch the game on but unfortunately the energy in the bar was really off. If you don’t know Argentina lost and it was really sad :(.

July 3

I was so excited to wake up today because my sister was going to be coming to Buenos Aires! I got up at around 10:30 and went to brunch with some girls at this cafe called adobo. We ended up walking but then couldn’t find it and then google maps said it was twenty min away so we got a taxi but what we didn’t realize that there were two locations #whoops. Anyway the food was bomb. The bagel sandwich just hit differently and Nutella and banana French toast was to die for! 

After breakfast I went back to the resi and picked my things for our trip to Uruguay later that evening. I picked up my laundry and waited for my sister to arrive. Once my sister got there we went to exchange some money. I thought that Uruguay was going to be cheaper than Argentina for some reason but I was wrong. The exchange rate right now is about .55 Uruguayan peso for 1 Argentine peso. 

We went to a cafe near Plaza Serrano called “La Panera Rosa” and I got a Chicken Rigatti Pasta. It was honestly one of the best meals ive had. It really had a lot of sauce and contrary to what Future says you can really never have too much sauce.

After lunch we got in a taxi and headed to the port and got on a Buquebus. Which is a ferry and then a charter bus to Montevideo,Uruguay. 

We checked into our hostel and then I messaged a friend I had met back in 2016 through Amigos de las Americas a nonprofit organization that I volunteered for. When my friend said he'd love to meet up I was ecstatic! We went to a random cafe near by and got a Chivito, which is a typical Uruguayan sandwhich and of course some wine.

 After my friend Miqueas gave us a little tour of the city and we headed to a bar to get a night cap. 

July 4

Happy fourth of July!!

This morning we got up and checked out of our hostel since we would be traveling to Colonia later. We walked to a restaurant to get some “breakfast” even though it was 11:30 am. My sister and I shared a milanesa that came with two fried eggs and some fries and potato salad. No need to mention the restaurants' name there are probably better ones out there. 

After lunch, we headed to Montevideo Shopping because my friend works around there so he said he would meet us up after he got out. Sooo in the meantime, we got to walk around and window shop. 

Once my friend got out of work my friend took us to the coast to get a good view and he knew I had a blog so he wanted to make sure I got good pictures! ( Gracias Miqueas!!! <3) 

After the photo session, we headed to the bus terminal and got our tickets for the bus ride to Colonia. We decided to get a quick bite to eat in the terminal to this restaurant called “La Mostaza”. My sister and I shared Ravioli, which was pretty bomb. The filling for the ravioli was like spinach and it was different but definitely tasty.

Once we finished we headed back to the hostel to pick up our luggage and then got a taxi back to the terminal and then got on the bus for Colonia. Once we arrived to Colonia I was a bit nervous because I did not see too many taxis but luckily once we walked outside there was a stand and then headed to our hostel and went to bed.

July 5

Today we got to sleep in again and then got ready to go get some breakfast. We went to this cute coffee shop called “Colonia Sandwich and coffee shop”. I got a roast beef sandwich and some tea. The place was really cute and since its winter time here they had blankets for everyone who sat outside which definitely helped. 

There were a bunch of birds surrounding us it was a little scary but more cute lol.

After lunch we just walked around the town which is really small so it wasn’t too long. We saw a lighthouse and some cool views on the coast. 

Later we did some more walking and found the drawbridge that we couldn’t find earlier. We also gained a new friend along the way lol. 

We decided to get a little snack to hold us over so we could try and eat dinner at a “normal” time. (Dinner in Argentina and Uruguay is usually eaten around 9 or 10pm so its been something difficult to adjust too) We walked into this restaurant that was right in the center, I wish I could tell you the name but the sign outside literally just said “Restaurant”. Anyway my sister and I shared a Rice with seafood dish and some wine. I loveeeee seafood so this was a perfect combination for me.

 After we decided to walk and get some ice cream at Freddo which is a pretty popular chain here. We got a Dulce de Leche cone.

Much later we went to go get some dinner at a pizza place called “Napo” it was really delicious. You could even see them making your pizza. My sister noticed that the guy making the pizza had a hat on and said that's probably a health code violation but im still here so I guess it's not that big of an issue. My sister and I got a salad and a pepperoni pizza and some red wine. (forgot to take a picture of the pizza sorry!)

After we headed back to the hostel and went to bed.

July 6

Today we woke up and checked out of our hostel and then headed to go get some breakfast. We went to this cute cafe called “Picnic”. I got an orange juice and a caprese empanada and then my sister and I shared a donut which was nothing like ive ever had before 10/10.

Since we had basically seen all the important landmarks we walked around and went window shopping. After we decided to go do a wine tasting at a place called “Buen Suspiro”. We had tried to go there the night before but it was closed. We got some charcuterie and tasted four different wines: Rose, Sauvignon blanc, Cabernet Sauvignon, and Tempranillo. My favorite was the Tempranillo and a close second was the Sauvignon blanc. 

After the taste testing, we went back to collect our belongings and headed to the port to get on the ferry back to Buenos Aires.

Once we got back I helped my sister check into her hostel and then headed back to our resi to work on this blog because it was long overdue!

After I finally caught up we went to dinner at “La Robla”. I got myself a Milanesa with a salad and my sister got a Steak with some mashed potatoes and we shared half a liter of sangria. I didn’t know sangria is literally just wine and fruits lol, the more you know.

For dessert we got a banana split!

After dinner, we walked my sister home and then went to bed.

This week we’ve done a lot of traveling so im excited to be back in BA!

Hasta luego,

T.L.

[whistlewhileiblogit]

"Why didn't you fight back?"

Now I am not an expert on abuse. All I am about to say is what I know from my own experience, experiences of others' and own research. But here we go.

I hear this a lot from people. People that have never been abused emotionally, mentally, physically or sexually. Now, I haven't been sexually assaulted, so I won't be talking about that as I don't want to be insensitive or ignorant on the subject. Though I imagine at least some of what I say could be applied to that situation.

I also want to explain that while I am generalising a bit, I am not trying to speak for each and every victim of abuse. My intent is not to do that, but to try and explain to those ignorant of what abuse what it really is like.

Now I am gonna tell you why in the past I have not fought back against abusers. This includes (but is not limited to) physically attacking back, verbally standing up for oneself, calling authorities, getting an AVO (apprehended violence order), etc. But to do this, I have to give a (long) decent explanation of what I have experienced. How it feels from the point of view of a victim. So here we go...

I have suffered abuse in one form or another since childhood. As did my brothers. This was at the hands of our father. We were constantly belittled, berated and bashed for any given reason. My mother suffered the same treatment, and did her best to protect us.

My abuser was loud, sadistic. Always angry, always yelling. Loud enough that he could be heard down the street. Our neighbours knew what was happening to our mother, to us. Children. Never once did anyone do or say anything to try and help.

Now being the youngest, I was always naturally shy, and this abuse lead me deeper into that. I was quiet. I knew to keep my mouth shut. Don't talk back. Don't fight it.

If we were running away from our abuser? Do as he said. Stop running. Maybe this time he won't hurt me if I do as he says?

Of course though, he would. I remember being grabbed by my hair, dragged into his car and driven to our relatives. In front of them he beat me until I couldn't cry anymore, then left me there to go have lunch. I dragged myself behind the armchair in the corner to hide. My relative did nothing. All she did was wait until it was quiet, and then hand me a piece of toast.

This is just one example of truth I give. It was a seed that was unknowingly planted in my brain. Nothing will keep you safe. Nobody will help you.

Now I wasn't the only one being abused. Nor did I get the "worst" of it. When my abuser wanted to be nice, he was nice. He would do things for me...sorta. it was conditional, but to me, that was normal.

Now my eldest brother, let's call him Ian...our abuser hated him for whatever reason. More than the rest of us. So he was never kind to him. And Ian resented me especially for it. In his eyes, I was spoiled, a brat.

So he took it out on me.

He took his anger out on me in any way he could, mostly through violence. So I quickly learned to avoid him as well.

If Ian walked into the lounge room, I'd leave as quickly and quietly as possible. If I was having a conversation with mum and he walked in the room I would stop talking. I learned to spend most of my time alone in my room. I ate my dinners in there, I only left to go to the bathroom, or use the family computer (until I saved up money to buy my own laptop to avoid getting in trouble for being on the computer).

So by the time I was a teenager, I had a good system of handling both abusers. At the time, I didn't know that is what they were. At the time, they were simply my father and brother. I still did everything I could for them. I bought them birthday and Christmas gifts with no expectations, I was generally courteous and polite.

But at some point around ages 15-16, something in me has changed, or begun to. I became snappier at them both. If I was shoved, I'd shove back I began standing up for myself. But only a little bit. Eventually, I would still go back to my room, crying. But I wouldn't hide under my bed or in my closet anymore. I was becoming angry. Infuriated. I hated that they made me cry.

I have a sort of revolution or sorts. I gave them the cold shoulder for the most part, unless I absolutely had to play nice.

Fast forward a few years later, abuser #1 moved out, freeing us so much. My relationship with Ian began to improve. He actually started to be...kind to me? He still had a temper sometimes, but mostly he begun being nice with me. And I welcomed this change with open arms.

I became as supportive of him as I could. This involved lending him money, helping him through his drug addictions/rehab, calming him down when he was going off the rails, stuff like that. Whenever my mum would sigh in exasperation and say, "You are too good to him. You don't know how much you help." I would shrug casually and say, "I'm his sister, it's my job" and think nothing more of it.

Eventually, my mum and I moved out together, and the whole family essentially split for the first time, everyone being forced to find their own way.

And for the months in our new home it was just mum and I, we were happy. It wasn't by any means perfect. There were still struggles, and we didn't always agree- but abuse was never present. It was a fresh of breath air. We had finally escaped.

Until Ian came to our door one day, crashed on our couch uninvited and refused to leave. He had completely reverted. His temper was the same as it used to be. He was back smoking ice as well. He completely took over our home, and I couldn't stand it. I was back to staying in my room. In my own damn house. Mum and I couldn't converse without an argument following because of his berating. Yet he was trying to be on his "best" behaviour. He refused to lay a finger on me or mum, because he knew that would be the last straw. He figured everything else was fair game though.

And so every chance I got- I told him to get the fuck out. I told him that he wasn't welcome, that he didn't belong here. That neither of us invited or wanted him to stay. Of course this meant I would receive verbal abuse- but hell, I was used to it by now. Ian calling me fat or a slut or a mutt washed over me as if he'd said nothing by this point.

I wanted so badly for him to hit me. "PLEASE DO" I'd invite him. Just lay one fucking finger on me. I wanted an excuse to fight him. To give him what he deserved. And yet he wouldn't. He'd get all in my face of course- I can still smell his foul breath as he screamed at me centimetres away, spit flying onto my face as he did. He would threaten me constantly- telling me that he would gas me in my sleep, or sneak into my room at night and cut my head off- and I laughed it off. I wasn't afraid of death, and certainly not of him. Even after he picked up a can of bug spray and sprayed it in my face. My eyes, nose and mouth. I didn't even react. Not a cough. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of gagging. "Please try!" I'd laugh. "Please try kill me, I beg you."

Now Ian was (is) a gutless wimp at heart. After a particularly big fight, he would vanish for a few days. One day, he came back, and I ignored him. Didn't acknowledge him at all.

I woke up one morning to find a large jar of nutella at my door. I was confused, but figured maybe my mum had put it there (she often surprises me with treats)? So I put it on my shelf in my room and headed into the kitchen to get breakfast. As I was looking in the cupboard, squatting down, Ian softly said, "Did you see the nutella? I got it for you."

"Oh." I said, continuing to look in the cupboard. "ugh okay..." and then I felt his arms wrap around me in a hug. My entire body was tensed now. How dare he fucking hug me after all the shit he's done!??

"I'm sorry for how I've been. I've just been going through a lot lately" Ian let me go, keeping his hands on my shoulders, rubbing my back.

"Err...okay" I muttered, hoping he'd get the drift and leave me the fuck alone. He didn't. He kept standing there, rubbing my back as I was squatted looking in the cupboard. All I wanted was the peanut butter and this is what I got. "Fuck, you've got more muscles than Jake (other brother)"

I stood up, finally turning to face him. I was skeptical. I'd seen this act before. "Why don't you apologise to (the dog)? Pretty sure he doesn't understand why you were punching him the other day. After all, he was just trying to defend me."

This struck a nerve with Ian. Long story short, that dog used to be his dog. He thought he would be completely loyal to him. The dog was loyal to me. After all, I took care of him, and, you know, didn't punch him in fits of anger.

Anyway, fast forward a few more weeks, and Ian is back to his old self. His true self. It was midnight, I was playing Red Dead 2, trying to relax after a long work night. So of course Ian comes inside, and crashes on the couch. He didn't say a word, which was fine with me, until...

"Turn that fuckin shit down! It's too loud!" I grit my teeth and told him to shut up, and turned it down. I could hardly hear it it was that quiet.

Ian goes to sleep, snoring like a fucking howler monkey (much louder than my game was, mind you), and eventually snorts himself awake half an hour or so later. "Turn that fucking shit off! Go the fuck to sleep you stupid slut! What you have playstation withdrawals??!" etc etc. And I...couldn't stay silent anymore.

I told him if he had a problem with it, he could get the fuck out of my house, considering nobody invited him here. The screaming match began and then he leapt over to the power point and ripped the ps4 from its socket. I snapped. I shoved him away, back down on the couch, and he began trying to kick me away.

But I couldn't stop myself, despite my better judgement, because that had long since turned off. I screamed in fury, kicking him as much as I could, leaping at him and clawing at his skin. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel everything he made me feel. Twenty-two years of repressed anger had finally been unleashed. I felt like a tiger, unable to defend, only attack. I was seeing red.

He was kicking and punching me too, of course. He kicked me back and when I fell, he grabbed me from behind. He tried to get me in a choke hold (a favourite move of his), but I kept kicking, elbowing. He pulled me down onto the couch and I slashed him with my nails. They were much longer than I ever keep them, as I had recently misplaced my nail clippers. I felt one of my nails tear back completely, tearing the skin under my nail.

But that was enough to break free. And so I screamed at him again to get the fuck out. He refused. So I knocked the basket of his shit (little bits and pieces of bolts, phone chargers and the like) off the coffee table, so it flew on him, the floor, everywhere. I couldn't give a fuck. He tried pushing me down again to stop me from touching his stuff, so I did it again, throwing more of his shit- the shit that he had taking up my space. My home. And I threw it on the floor.

Now by this point the two dogs (one large and one small) had long since woken up and had started barking wildly. But when Ian lunged at me again, both of my dogs jumped in to my defense. That was when Ian turned his attacks toward them, especially the big one. His one. He tried to punch him in the ribs, but I got inbetween them-nobody touches my babies. I pushed him down, kicking, punching, clawing- whatever I could to keep him away from my dogs.

And then finally mum woke up, came out to find the mess. She told me to shut up. I turbed on her. Why wasn't she calling the cops?? She kept telling Ian for MONTHS she would if he laid a finger on me. So why wasn't she? I felt so betrayed and confused. But mum told me she would try calm him down. And that I should just take the dogs and go to my room. I felt like a fucking child again. Just be quiet. Go hide in your room.

But for the dogs' sake, I agreed to help calm them down. But not before my little one managed to nip Ian on the ankle. It was in this moment, I realised how pathetic he seemed. As soon as he got that little nip, not strong enough to even pierce the skin, he fell onto the couch literally wailing. I picked her up, and called off my boy, and went to my room in shock. That is what I spent years being afraid of? All that time I spent thinking he was the toughest person I knew, thinking he was practically indestructible, and he bursts into tears because my chicken nugget of a dog nipped his bloody ankle?! It was nothing other than pathetic.

Over the next hour he continued carrying on, now about his missing phone that he insisted I stole. (hint: I didn't)

Eventually mum went to her room to call the cops. And I heard the front door open and him leave.

The cops eventually came, long since he had left. And I knew I had to speak to them. I wasn't excited about it. I knew what was going to happen. I knew I would look like the bad guy here. The unreasonable one. And for another thing; I didn't trust the police as far as I could throw them.

So three cops come, two of which come inside. And they look confused. It was quiet since Ian had left, and mum had cleaned up all the mess trying to look for his phone. The place looked practically spotless. And I wasn't bleeding. I didn't look a mess. I wasn't sobbing or distraught. I was calm, annoyed at most.

They were so perplexed as I explained what happened. The main officer explained that he didn't even understand what had happened, what my mum had even called for. I told them I wanted him out of my life. I tried to tell them how he has always been.

"Well, have you reported any of his behaviour before?" The cop said. I knew he thought I was full of shit. I wanted to go in my room and sleep.

"No." mum and I answered. Was this guy serious?

"Well then what he's done in the past doesn't really matter." I was so over it by this point. The main cop went outside and left some dude who didn't seem to know what the hell he was doing to ask us the same questions we'd already answered.

I repeated myself multiple times. It wasn't until the third time of explaining what happened, I began to reenact my motions when I saw that my ps4 was gone. "Aaaand he's taken my bloody playstation." I said, completely dejected. My heart sank as it began to weigh on me. Red Dead 2 was in there too. Not only that, but all my trophies and game saves...everything. it might sound stupid to anyone else but playing games was one of my only true escapes. A distraction. And if I knew my brother- which I did- it would be long since destroyed now. The image of it splintered on some concrete was all I could think about now.

The main cop came back inside, and he informed me that the police would take an AVO out on my behalf. This basically meant that it would (in theory) prevent Ian from coming anywhere near me or my home. "What about my stolen playstation and game?" I asked.

And the cop smirked at me. I knew exactly what he was thinking. That I was just some stupid, young obsessed-with-technology millenial. "Yeah, that's nothing, we can deal with that later." He scoffed as if I was being unreasonable. It wasn't nothing to me.

So the police got their answers, and they just...left. I didn't have to go to the station or anything. It seemed so informal, unprofessional. That was it? How was I to know when the AVO was in effect? What were they gonna do about my stolen property?

This was three days ago. I have still heard nothing from the police. Not letter or anything. It is just a waiting game.

And it is this whole thing which has made me look into familial abuse. Why was I starting to feel guilty? Was I really to blame? Should I have just backed down like I used to?

I keep thinking about how differently that night would have gone had I been the person I used to be. Scared and upset. What if I had just said nothing, saved my game and turned it off and gone to bed? Well for one thing, I'd still have my ps4. But...the police wouldn't have been called. And Ian would have been here still, terrorising my mother and me.

I can't say if I would be more or less miserable than I am now. Maybe it would be the same. I'll never know.

But here's the thing that got me thinking about abuse, and when people ask why we don't fight back.

Of course everyone has their own reasons. Sometimes it's safer to do nothing. Sometimes you're just scared. Often you are conditioned into believing you are powerless, as I was for a long time.

But look at what happens when victims DO fight back. There are countless stories or victims- most of them women being abused by their partners or exes- who did all the right steps. They reported abuse and violence every single time, they got AVO's, and nothing fucking changed. Plenty of people moved out of state, and were followed.

And after years- when we finally had the courage to do something about it, my mother and I were simply dismissed. We weren't taken seriously. Nobody listened when I tried to explain the long, complex dynamic Ian and I have had.

But I am not seen as a victim in the eyes of others BECAUSE I fight back. Those who know me simply think my relationship with my brother is just tumultuous at best/worst. Even after explaining. I don't fit into the "victime image". I'm not a skinny, weak looking girl. I'm not beautifully weeping and I don't have a black eye when I turn up to work. I'm not the beautifully tragic image the media has conned the world into believing that is what an abuse victim looks like.

I look angry, violent even. I have messy, wild hair and gritted teeth. I am solid built and fairly muscular. The bruises I have only showed up the day after, and nobody knows how much physical pain I'm in. Being this sort of person has led people into viewing me as indestructible, strong. But it is all survival instincts.

And I am punished for it.

If I never fought back, nobody would have helped me. I learned that young. People like to pretend if they see something, they'll say something, yet when it happens, they say, "it's none of my business". I was a child, and had no help. So why should I expect it as an adult?

And because I did fight back, I am seen as equally guilty. An aggressor. Unstable. And yet again, nobody will help me.

THAT is why I never fought back. But now, I don't give a fuck. I am never going back to cowering again. I am done wasting tears over the actions of the men who wronged me. Even if it kills me, I will NEVER stop fighting back.

Tldr; people don't help victims regardless of whether they fight back against their abusers or not. There are plenty of reasons why victims would or wouldn't fight back and there is no right or wrong decision. Stop blamimg victims.

[thisislizheather]

December Dalliances

So many things happened last month, highlights ahead!

I literally started doing my hair instead of just letting it air dry and it’s kind of nuts how easy it is to do.

I started using Origin’s GinZing Eye Cream and even though it’s only been a few weeks, I’m really liking it. Is it actually lightening my dark circles? I’ll be able to tell within a few more weeks, I think, so I’ll come back to this next month.

I made cauliflower hummus for the first time and it was not a hit. Maybe ‘cause I couldn’t get it as smooth as I imagined it should be, but still - not good at all.

I visited the Glossier flagship store in Soho and it was pretty fun and only slightly ridiculous. The robot mechanism that delivers your purchase to you at the end made me laugh. No opinions on their products as of right now since I only went to buy a Christmas gift for someone, although I did try a sample of their Milky Jelly Cleanser that felt pretty nice. The big drawback of the place is that it’s credit-card-only (no cash), which I have pretty strong opinions on. This is a great piece on that whole issue.

I went for food at Lillie’s Victorian Establishment in Union Square for their $13 lunch special (which includes a drink) and it’s probably one of the best lunch deals in that area for sure. Also the decorations at Christmastime are insanely lovely and aggressive.

Ate the smash burger at The Spaniard, which was really, really good but of course it was because it was a Pat LaFrieda blend. The bun was so perfectly toasted and it’s now definitely one of my favourite burgers in the West Village. Only thing I didn’t like were their onion rings - waaaay too doughy. Gotta keep it real with letting the onion shine through.

Finally tried the Bite Agave Lip Balm that was part of Sephora’s yearly birthday gift and it’s definitely nothing special, way too sticky!

Also tried the Bite Lip Crayon in Glacé that was also part of the Sephora birthday gift and it’s so wearable and lovely, I’m excited for the 2019 Sephora birthday gift options (they just announced them!)

I got my hair cut! I went to Davidov Salon in the city for the second time, and I think this’ll be my regular place from now on.

Made a ton of chickpea nuts and they’re such a good and fast snack to have around. Favourite’s probably the BBQ.

HUGE fan of this eggplant lasagna.

Watched the latest Chilling Adventures of Sabrina holiday special and for a few scenes, it was actually kind of scary, which weirded me out. I still can’t decide if I hate or like this show.

Watched Salt Fat Acid Heat and loved it. Samin Nosrat has such an approachable nature, I wish there were tons more episodes. I also loved the last bit of the series when she says, “For me, cooking has never been about the food. It’s about what happens at the table. Making good food accessible is really important to me. And any little way that I can do that, from inviting a bunch of friends over for a simple meal, to making them help out in the kitchen when they arrive, just helps make it feel like good cooking is within reach for everyone. My ultimate goal is to make people feel comfortable and taken care of so that they can just enjoy the moment. And maybe eventually pass that kindness onto others. Cooking for them, with them, just happens to be the easiest way I can do that. Anyone can learn to cook and do it well. Be thoughtful. Be curious. And use salt, fat, acid and heat to guide you to delicious food. And if for some reason a dish doesn’t turn out well, it’s okay. You can always try again tomorrow.“

I’ve been using Kate Somerville’s ExfoliKate as a face exfoliator once/twice a week for the past few months and I absolutely love it. It’s crazy gentle and smells so weird that you feel like it must work.

Can’t stop making this incredible firecracker chicken. Tastes like take out.

Why do I continue to watch the new Fuller House episodes? I wish I could tell you. It’s the only show I hate watch at the moment. I fully hate it. The jokes are bad. Everything is corny. I’m unhappy when I watch it. Okay, it’s over. I’ll never watch it again.

I have so many thoughts on this dog cloning article and I have absolutely no idea which side I’m on. Obviously it’s seems like a wildly controversial and terrible idea… but also what if you just miss your dog so much and it can bring you happiness? Also, the fact that people with money are already doing this makes me all kinds of mad/crazy/excited? I don’t know, man. I’m all over the place with this.

I tried the hair mask from Trader Joe’s and I love it, I just wish the packaging were bigger.

As you already know, I started watching This Is Us and even though I’m only halfway through the first season, I have a couple thoughts. I hate the character of Kevin so much - it’s either him or the actor, I don’t know. His storyline is just so boring, I want to scream. Also, I’m not actually convinced it’s a good show. Everyone won’t shut up about how good it is, but it’s definitely got its moments of pure cheese. I’m just not convinced. I'll give it a few more episodes to make sure I’m not wrong.

I watched The Year Without A Santa Claus for the first time and it was cuuuute. Love that old school animation so much.

Tried Smashbox’s Super Fan Mascara - and it’s not great so I’m thinking I’ll exchange it for the Make Up For Ever one (Smoky Extravagant Mascara) that I really like.

Ate the French onion soup burger at Le Rivage and it was only okay. They kept bragging about how many awards that burger has won, but I mean… it wasn’t anything special. I think that if they replaced their English muffin bun with a potato bun then maybe they’d be cookin’. Their escargots, however, were dynamite - I love it when they’re served while they’re still in the shells. So fancy.

Have you ever had a dunkaccino? It’s a half hot chocolate & half coffee drink from Dunkin Donuts. I recommend.

In love with this new shirt that I got from Uniqlo. Every woman on earth should get this crazy soft, perfect shirt.

Baking Hack: if you don’t have any brown sugar, do you know that you can make some by combining white sugar and molasses? Insanity. It really works. Check online for specific measurements.

Went to see the Rockefeller Christmas tree with Nathan!

I’ve been using this NYX eyeliner and I haaaaaaate it. Never again. I also maybe just hate all fine-tip liners. The fatter, inkier ones by Revlon might just be the easiest/best ones I’ve ever used.

This Japanese chocolate brand might just be the very best chocolate in the whole wide world. LOVE THIS STUFF.

Over the holidays I did a lot of baking and cooking, and some of the best recipes? Nutella Stuffed Chocolate Chip Cookies, Cranberry Jell-O Shots, Spinach Dip Christmas Tree, Sausage Stuffed Mushrooms, Christmas Lasagna and these incredible Individual No-Bake Gingerbread Cheesecakes.

I tried these two new gorgeous Essie colours I love (Lady Like & Limo-Scene) as well as my first Smith & Cult in the color Doe My Dear and it’s a dream. I also finally got this nail polish shelf that I’ve wanted for ages to display all of my nail polish bottles, so as soon as I put it up I’ll show you a photo of it.

All in all, a very busy month! Excited for the new year!

[letsdiscoverkitty]

Aw thank you for replying! I would really appreciate an example under a read more, but only if you wouldn't mind. It would be really helpful. Thank you x

It’s okay ^.^ Right so under a read more is going to be an idea of what my latest meal plan is - so if you find meal plans triggering then please don’t read below. I won’t be putting calories as I know this can be triggering/spark comparisons.

Note: This is a ‘rough’ maintenance plan (I am working up to a gaining plan but I know this will likely make me gain due to increasing etc) PLEASE remember that everyone is different and you need to listen to any medical professionals that you are under the care of. 

I will write a few different options for each bit to give you an idea of what other choices there could be.

Breakfast: 2 sachets of porridge//3 weetabix with 180-200ml of normal soya milk//semi-skimmed milk with a coffee (+ slice of toast/crumpet with a heaped tsp of spread (nutella/pb/biscoff or spread with jam/honey)) - this is what I need to add in this week.

Morning Snack: A single snack (e.g. a cereal bar, a medium coffee shop cappuccino/latte)

Lunch:  Sandwich - 2 slices of bread, spread (I use mini philli pots but this could also be flora/butter/mayo), protein filling (2 slices of turkey/ham/chicken/smoked salmon/4 slices of quorn/a small tin of tuna), with a bit of salad. Pudding: A normal yoghurt and a piece of fruit (+jaffa cake bar/mini chocolate/biscuits/cereal bar) - again this is what I am adding in.

Afternoon snack: A ‘denser’ cereal bar (nature valley/Trek Protein bar) with a portion of fruit and a tea 

Dinner Okay so this is hard to explain as I try to work off of portion sizes here but the rule of thumb is to have a proper portion of carbohydrates, protein, fats and veg on the side. Ready meals can be really handy here, as well as pre-portioned items - I find pre-portioned things really helpful as it takes away the whole obsessing and trying to work out how much to have. CARBS: an average baked potato/4 boiled potatoes/rice portion (half a bag of uncle bens or 60-75g dry)/couscous/pasta/noodle nest.PROTEIN: Quorn/fish/meat/vegetarian bakes/pulses/breaded itemsNote if the protein is lower in fats: (e.g. quorn) then it needs to be cooked in a sauce. With veg on the side. LIGHT DESSERT: This can vary as I tend to have a rough calorie goal for my dinner in total so that it can vary. Options include: corner yoghurt/muller rice/normal yoghurt/frozen yoghurt/ice cream/angel delight/pudding pots and I usually have a portion of frozen berries with this as, well, they just taste fab.

Evening Snack: my plan says to have cereal and milk or I can just choose some snacks - recently I have been having a yoghurt and a cereal bar or pop chips or something like that. 

I hope this helps a little bit(?) I think the most important thing is building up a solid foundation - e.g. Breakfast, snack, lunch with a pudding, snack, dinner with a pudding, snack. From there you can work on options and choices and start to branch out a little more. 

As I said at the beginning this is, for an average normal person without being underweight or suffering from an ED, a rough maintenance plan. I have been working my plan up over the last 3/4 weeks and am trying to get to a solid gaining plan, and so this is a step towards that. And please please remember to listen to your treatment teams, there is not one “right” way to recover - that is ED trying to stop you and put off change. I searched for YEARS for ‘the perfect plan’ BUT IT DOES NOT EXIST. Everyone is different, coming from different places, on different paths/journeys etc. The human body is NOT a science experiment, although we can know roughly what it needs, it is not a mathematical equation. Healing takes time. 

Also, I am really trying to work towards thinking of things in terms of MINIMUMS not MAXIMUMS as it just reinforces the “restrictive” mindset. One day I also hope to move away from calorie counting as it has been an obsessive behaviour for the past 6ish years of my life. Another note: YOU DO NOT NEED TO WEIGH EVERYTHING - it is NOT a science experiment. You are not being judged or graded on this. FOOD IS FUEL/MEDICINE. I used to weigh EVERYTHING I ate and it was so detrimental and was/is purely ED led. Now don’t get me wrong, I still struggle with it but say my lunch - nothing is weighed. nothing. Mum makes it with me and there is no kitchen scale in sight. It is hellascary but slowly i am learning that it is OKAY if a you have a tiny bit more one day and a little the next (e.g. you do not need to weigh slices of bread/slices of protein/salad - it is negligible!!!) I am working on branching this out to my other areas but it takes time; recovery is a journey and it isn’t just going to get magically better overnight. 

Each and every day you have to face the behaviours and thoughts multiple times and it is exhausting but it can get better. I am still at the beginning of my journey but I am holding onto the hope that there are better days to come, for all of us. If you ever need or want to chat then you know where I am, I answer pretty much 99% of messages :) Take care of yourself xxx

[rachelisnotatwork]

Week three: all those damn hills...

Since Boxing Day is universally acknowledged by all countries that “celebrate" it, to be the most boring day of the year I was pretty excited to be in a country where the weather was nice enough to spend it outside.

We (I say we, I actually delegate 99.9% of trip planning to Marcel so I can complain when he makes bad choices) decided to go to Rotorua, which is a geothermically active area near Hamilton. As evidenced by my higher than average number of trips to Iceland, I don’t mind the stench of sulphur in the mornings so I was well up for it.

We started by visiting a park in town with some geothermal features. These were generally fenced off bubbling mudpits with the casual warning that new features could open up at any point under your feet. Nothing says relaxing stroll like the possibility of being burnt to death in a mini mud volcano.

We decided to recover with crepes, since after our binge eating of the day before I felt like I needed to get some of my 5-a-day in and what better way then banana and nutella crepes? Afterwards we drove out to Waiotapu, which is an area of lots of different geothermal features.

Don’t get me wrong, they were nice, but we are now super spoilt semi-professional travellers and these were a slightly less impressive version of the ones in Yellowstone and with way more German tourists (although Marcel didn’t seem to think the latter point was to its disadvantage). They did have some good statues for posing with though and unlike Christmas day it was boiling (clouds of hot steam floating around may have contributed to that).

Our initial plan had been to go to some thermal springs afterwards for a swim, but something about 26c air temperature makes plunging into 39c thermal springs fairly unappealing. So we headed back a bit early and had a nice evening in with Kate and Dylan.

The following day we’d planned to go to the Waitomo caves, which are other nearby New Zealand highlight... but the rest of the tourist world apparently doesn’t stick to our “casual last minute plans” strategy and everything was booked out, so we decided to do it on the way back. Marcel had also wanted to visit a kiwi house near there, so not going to lie, was quite pleased we were going to defer both of those activities to the end of our trip (where hopefully he will have lost enthusiasm for looking at more sodding birds).

Instead we went to a place called Blue Springs for a walk. The river there is beautiful and you used to be able to swim in it, but sadly not any more. We went for a 10km walk along it and I felt very healthy and virtuous. Slightly ruined by stopping for shortbread because were both so starving on the way back.

On Wednesday it was time to head off aka shovel all of our belongings which we’d spread around Kate and Dylan’s rooms back into our suitcases. We stopped off first at the post office, which I’m only mentioning because despite it being the first day they were open after the bank holidays, they still managed to get our mail to England in 3 days- go Kiwis. Almost going to forgive you for the book tax (but not).

Then we drove onto Lake Taupo. Our first stop was a cafe Marcel had expressly picked because I told him I really wanted avocado toast. I then didn’t order it but I did have some amazing corn cake things which came with avocado. I might make us divert back there. We then finally bought a phone holder to stick on the dashboard so Marcel and I could stop shouting at each other for misreading the phone screen whilst being “the navigator” (note to self, we should never become a rally driving team).

We had decided since we were spending the day in the car to take a walk along a river from the lake to Huka falls. We imagined a gently amble along the banks under the shade of the trees. For some reason this path veered from the banks to the top of the hill by the river and back down again repeatedly. 

And had almost no shade. Thank god when we got to the falls they sold ice lollies or I’m not sure we would have made it back alive (heat makes me melodramatic). We did walk past a beautiful hotel on the opposite bank with deck chairs on the banks of the river and wonder how much it might cost to stay in on the way back. A brief check of their website said from $1,750 a night. We decided perhaps not.

Our final destination for the day was Napier. When I had logged onto to book a hotel for it the previous night, there had been two left in town. We got the last room in the econolodge, which thankfully had decent reviews. The rooms appeared to be a bunch of mobile homes in the carpark but they were surprisingly nice inside and had a NZ first- aircon/heating.

For dinner we headed out for Indonesian and ate something called Rijsttafel, which is basically about a million dishes of food; alarmingly we managed to finish it?

The next day we headed down to Wellington as our plan was to get South and explore the South island at leisure. First though we decided to have a look around Napier. It’s draw is lots of art deco buildings from the 1930s. Because the whole town was destroyed by an earthquake then. Always good to be reminded you are somewhere seismically very active.

We had again decided to break our drive with a walk. As we drove towards our anticipated break, the rain pounded down against the windscreen...but just as we got close, the skies cleared! We stopped off at a place called Peka Peka beach, which gets a lot of driftwood as is incredibly long and flat. This also means it attracts fat children on quad bikes who should be walking, and more horrifyingly, a fat adult who decided the way to walk their dog was to drive the car slowly along the sand whilst the dog ran along outside. Mostly annoying as all the engines really spoilt the beach.

But the views were beautiful. And it was amusingly full of seagulls that were trying to break open shellfish by repeatedly flying up and dropping them, so it was like a line of avian yo-yos.

We got to Wellington in the early evening and decided to take a walk to the botanical gardens. This google promised us was only 750m away. It neglected to mention that about 690m of those metres were pretty much vertical up the world’s steepest hill. Luckily on our arrival at the top we found a couple walking a hugely fluffy birman cat, which they let me pet whilst I got my breath back. We then wandered back down through the botanical gardens and a cemetery, which contained a very sad Victorian grave where a family’s 5 children had all died between December 22nd and Jan 1st one year from diphtheria. Sort of felt it should be made into a mandatory visit for people who refuse to vaccinate their children.

And then some funny grave statues.

Friday dawned beautifully sunny and we headed out to explore Wellington. First via a hipster cafe where the waiter had a mullet and tache that would have made an 80s hillbilly proud, then along the dockside and to the national museum, Te Papa. Being the national museum, it was free, which is my favourite sort of museum. It’s actually very good and has a few gloriously weird things like the world’s only preserved colossal squid and some information on the extreme (welcome to the worst job in the world) efforts made to preserve the kakapo.

After a brief lunch where Marcel accidentally ordered a beer that cost more than our mains (clearly we were paying for eating with a nice view), we headed back for a brief chill out before heading up to the observatory when it got dark.

Sadly the observatory is in the botanical gardens, so we had to climb the giant hill again- only this time I demanded we took what google said was a short-cut, which turned out to be an endless flight of stairs in an overgrown forest. In near darkness. It was...cobwebby. We did eventually make it though.

The observatory has a museum (apparently Kiwis, big in astronomy because there’s no light from any neighbours, ruining things when you are looking through a telescope) and then a huge Victorian telescope which we used to look at the Orion nebula. It was pretty cool as for once for a planned activity there were incredibly clear skies and no moon- so even after we left and stumbled down the giant dark hill, we could still see loads of stars which I could identify with my “sky map” app.

The next day was New Year’s Eve. Our first order of business was stocking up on chocolate, which I may have demanded we do and then may have forgotten to check holiday opening times so we walked a mile to somewhere closed. Luckily Marcel found a great place on the way back with the world’s best hot chocolate (Bohemian Fresh Chocolate) so the morning was saved. We celebrated the last day of 2016 by driving down to the very southern tip of the North Island, to a place called Cape Palliser. This initially looked quite quick...but then mountain roads. Oh such twisty nauseating mountain roads. We did eventually get there. It is known for having the North Island’s biggest seal colony, which was our main reason for going. We initially picked a beach near the lighthouse and got out. We could only see one seal, which was apparently very itchy as it was rubbing it’s head constantly on a rock. Then we noticed once you start looking they are EVERYWHERE. They are just masters of disguise. We got engrossed at looking at one of them trying to scratch his back in a little rock pool and Marcel didn’t notice until it bellowed at him that he was standing on a rock just above another one.

Overlooking the beaches was a lighthouse on a rocky outcrop with 253 stairs up to it. Naturally Marcel demanded we went up there. I feel like this whole holiday has been climbing overly steep things. The views were nice, but the prime benefit was being able to see which bit of beach had the most seals.

There was also one “reserve” that was a little off the road on a headland we decided to stop at. We then followed the awful stench that you find accompanies seals (nice animals but their personal hygiene leaves something to be desired) and found ourselves on the rocks above a seal nursery where we could see baby seals at the adorable business of pretending to be adult seals- falling over whilst scratching themselves, starting fights etc. It was pretty hard to drag ourselves away but we didn’t really fancy the added nausea effect of the mountain roads after dark. I demanded to drive on the way back though so didn’t feel too bad.

As we got close to Wellington, Marcel decided he’d quite like to grab some beer so we stopped off at a supermarket. They asked Marcel for ID. He was thrilled and flattered (doesn’t happen that much anymore when you are in your early 30s). Elation rapidly turned to despair when they told him by law they couldn’t accept foreign driving licenses as a form of ID. Not sure many underaged teenagers would try the cover story of a mixed German and English couple in their early 30s on a holiday to NZ but who knows what the kids are into these days?

He then made me stay in the car (“you look too young") whilst he visited another bottle shop, where he got lucky and managed to leave with a six-pack.

Neither of us could really be arsed with NYE so after dinner and a Westworld (which we are slowly working our way through), we headed down to the harbour (our studio rental was about 5 minutes walk from it) to see in the new year. There were fireworks, it was weirdly windy (NZ is windy, but more than normal) and everyone was being very civilised, which was unexpected. We headed back to pack up post-fireworks as we needed to check at 9.30am the following morning for the ferry (luckily I had managed to dissuade Marcel out of the ferry that left at 8am!)

The next morning when we woke up we found the wind had most definitely NOT died down and we were looking at horizontal rain whipping past the window. Luckily I had no idea how fast knots were when I boarded the ferry or the announcement about 50 knot winds would have had been reversing straight out of there. They warned us the outer decks would be closed due to the high winds and sea conditions. Fine I thought. Sat down on a chair, ate some cinnarazine, started a podcast and fell asleep.

And woke up to the ship listing alarmingly whilst bouncing side-to-side with an announcement that no one was to get off their seat due to the size of the swells and parents were to keep hold of their children. I normally never get seasick but I was feeling pretty queasy. Not as bad as the guy next to me who started vomiting, or Marcel who turned into a miserable mess of sweat and muttered curses as he tried to hold onto breakfast. Luckily the crew had dispensed sick bags and ice cubes, which turn out to help a lot. The vomiters also kindly all crawled into the corridor and segregated themselves there (I think the loos were all occupied) so apart from the distant sound of human misery it didn’t get too bad in the main bit. We were all SUPER glad to see the South Island though.

Marcel turns out to take ages to recover from seasickness so we spent the afternoon in Picton, taking a gentle walk to a very dull reservoir (after an hour, I was expecting something more impressive I must admit). Then we went out for dinner in a French cafe and he ate about a bucket of mussels which horrified me no end, so I think we both finished the day and the week feeling slightly queasy.