#I am still reading about feeds but people saying mj is weird will be back for more clownery if I see or if anyone wants to update me in the

[mazojo]

Matt wanting to form the all men alliance not even 24 hours in woah we are all so shocked everyone do your shocked faces

[hellzyeahwebwielingessays]

The Not-So-Amazing Mary Jane Part 6: AMJ #1

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Now we’ve finally established all necessary contexts we can begin diving into the AMJ series proper. My intent is to break down each issue page by page. 

Let’s get started.

We open with Mary Jane shooting a sizzle reel for the film’s investors. Evidently she is playing Mysterio’s super powered love interest.

Here we get into our first few problem but I admit it might not actually be a problem.

See, ASM v5 #29 established that MJ has already seen McKnight’s ‘reel’ so why are they filming another sizzle reel?

I admit to being in the dark about Hollywood practices so this might be perfectly normal and therefore not a contradiction. Let me know if that is the case.

This page introduces yet more problems though they too are rather minor.

The smallest of these is depicting Kangaroo as Australian. Last I checked (and I admit I might be mistaken about this) the Kangaroo was in fact NOT Australian. Or at least this version of the character isn’t as he is the second Kangaroo merely inspired by the original.

That’s a tiny nitpick but I thought I’d mention it. And it’s one that’s easily explained away. He could be emulating an Australian accent for effect or something like that.

The more notable problem is that MJ is deriding the script. This contradicts MJ’s statements in ASM v5 #29/830 where she is praiseworthy of the writing after immediately reading through some of it with Peter.

You could argue that perhaps MJ was commenting upon the script in general and not specifically her own part. As in her starring in this movie would be great for her career because the movie in general was looking to be great. Or alternatively the script for the sizzle reel was bad.

But consider that the script is directly based upon Webspinners #1-3, which (again I might be mistaken about this too) I do not recall ever featuring Mysterio’s would be lover as anything like a super heroine.

Again, this is reconcilable. Rewrites happen. Embellishments on the truth happen.

But to me the reality seems be that either Williams was unaware of the movie being based upon Webspinners (which is entirely possible) or that she wanted to go in another direction for the story.

Either way, it’s a weakness of the comic book but not a deal breaker of a problem.

This page also represents one of the problems from an analytical standpoint with this series.

There is a certain amount of ambiguity through the writing and art in regards to what Mary Jane (and other characters) might be thinking and feeling.

Look at MJ’s baffled face when looking at the Spider-Man actor on the above page.

My initial impression was that she could be simply weirded out by seeing an overdramatised version of her lover. In particular when he’s going over a tragic event in his and her own life (Gwen’s death).

It could just be bafflement over why that’d even be in the movie. After all what has Gwen’s death got to do with the life of Mysterio. I guess Spidey’s implication in Gwen’s death was public knowledge but it still has nothing to do with Beck.

Alternatively that facial expression might (and I emphasis this as speculation) represent MJ’s confusion and concern  about that being included in a film. That is to say that’s something of a personal cut for Spider-Man and Mary Jane’s life. She could be wondering if someone knows the truth about Peter’s identity?

If the latter is the case it might go some way into alleviating and explaining other problems I have.

But I just don’t know, because the comic is not making it clear-cut. To my eyes that look says ‘this is so surreal’ and doesn’t say ‘This is concerning. Could Peter and I be in danger?’

However if that was  the intention it might’ve been intended to then organically transition into the acknowledgment that there are literal super villains on set and the consequent page in which MJ comments that Cage McKnight fleeing is suspicious.

Here is where we’re starting to get into the bigger problems, but let’s start with a smaller one.

The scene implies that McKnight is a an actual person and a respected filmmaker. This is again contradictory to ASM v5 #29. There MJ referred to McKnight as very new, as someone who lacked an agent until very recently. The implication by Spencer was clearly that McKnight was a false identity that Beck invented. Williams/the editors is clearly ignoring that. That’s not a good sign, although it’s not irreconcilable. It’s entirely possible that MJ’s dialogue in ASm v5 #29 in-story was actually true.

Mary Jane comments that there are felons on set. She didn’t question this because Cage McKnight has a reputation for authenticity.

This line can be interpreted one of two ways.

a)     MJ didn’t question actual criminals on set and didn’t do anything about it.

Or

b)     She phrased herself badly and what she meant was former felons, or that she presumed they were reformed/reforming felons.

The latter is a-okay, the former though....wtf?

MJ’s lived with a man who she knows spent most of his life torturing himself over allowing ONE criminal to walk free. She’s on set with a whole crew of criminals, including super villains and she’s shrugging it off? She’s not even questioning it?

‘Authenticity’ be damned, it’s illegal and potentially dangerous to knowingly harbour criminals, let alone super powered ones.*

But again, I’m willing to give the benefit of the doubt on that line. Between Cage’s reputation and the fact that so many criminals are working out in the open its not unreasonable for MJ to take it on faith that everything was on the up and up (even with the presence of super villains). After all the only confirmed super villain on set is the D (or Z) lister the Kangaroo who has at times been one of the good guys.

Mary Jane though is smart, socially savvy, can get a decent read of people and did study psychology for a time (she never completed the course but still). So she can tell something weird is up and it’s clear the intention is that she’s been growing suspicious for a while now.

In this essay series I don’t plan on praising the issues as that’s not the point. Besides I do that in other posts anyway. Nevertheless it’s worth pointing out that Williams really hits the mark on MJ’s personality here.

Her statements about Cage ‘claiming’ to have written this role for her (where she conveniently plays the love interest to a super person) and simply handing it to her imply MJ is detecting a trap. This touches on what I said above about her facial expression. About how it’s possibly intended to float the idea that she’s concerned that someone’s figured out Peter’s secret.

However, she could just as easily be thinking this is a trap specifically for her. After all, she’s been targeted by stalkers before (like Jonathan Caesar). That interpretation is arguably supported by MJ’s line about being scammed with an empty promise of stardom. Even if she doesn’t think this is some kind of super villain grand scheme of any kind it’d likely ring alarm bells for any young and (by stereotypical standards) attractive person in Hollywood; at least it would nowadays.

As we move onto the next page Cage reveals himself as in fact Mysterio and confesses he engineered this con in order to tell his life story.

He proceeds to inform MJ what is and isn’t real about the film and explain where the real Cage McKnight is. In doing so he admits that the film is happening through fraud, identity theft (sorry I don’t know the correct legal terminology) and the hiring of former felons and active criminals.

More specifically he produces (what he claims to be) a live video feed of the real Cage McKnight’s location on the Falkland Islands where he will be spending around a year on a film project that doesn’t actually exist. He also claims that this project is his last chance to do something good with the ‘time he has left’ (implying he is dying) and that he wanted to give the felons and criminals a similar chance to make something good and meaningful.

After being honest with her, MJ admits this situation is insane, but then agrees to go along with it.

First of all let me get this out of the way. Mysterio has actual active criminals on set but he also wants media attention. Isn’t that counter productive? The media are going to report that (some of the crew are obvious more than human, with green skin no less) and it’s going to cause both unwanted attention from the authorities and problems in general.

With that said let’s talk about the bigger issues with these pages.

Part of the problem in analysing them is that it we have to consider things from the POVs of MJ, Mysterio and our own (which is semi-omniscient).

We know Mysterio:

Is in the employ of the demonic Kindred who’s working a vendetta against Spider-Man.

Faked his own death again back in ASM v5 #24-25

Is doing this movie to make the most out of his time before he is dragged back to Hell

Is aware of Peter’s identity and that it’s highly likely he demanded MJ’s inclusion in the movie (whether of his own volition or on Kindred’s orders) specifically because of her connection to Spider-Man

Essentially we  know Mysterio’s reasons for making the movie (including his limited time) are true…but they also omit certain important facts.

In other words…he’s acting.

He has legally (and more often illegally) worked as an actor. He was able to fool executives who literally work in the film industry where actors are basically a prerequisite. He is a massively skilled manipulator.

And here, the context the audience are aware of, conveys that he’s using the truth to get what he wants but is nevertheless withholding the real truth. Maybe this will be addressed later but at the moment it is beyond unlikely that Mysterio truly felt MJ was simply the only person to play his love interest. She is obviously there because of her connection to Peter.

Me personally though, I am not exactly certain Williams wrote this moment with the idea that Beck was being actively deceptive. My personal impression is that she was writing Beck as sincere and simply vulnerable because he knows he'll be returned to Hell soon. This vulnerability would be the reason for his opting for honesty. Now I don’t have any evidence to back that up I will admit, we will have to see as the series progresses.

But the most important thing about this scene isn’t our POV nor Beck’s, but MJ’s.

She is the lead character the person the story revolves around, her actions, decisions and agency is what is paramount in the context of this series.

From that perspective these three pages alone put us several layers into serious mischaracterization.

MJ wouldn’t help Beck because he’s hurt her loved ones

Even if he hadn’t she wouldn’t trust him because of the other horrible things he has done that she knows about

Even if she didn’t know about those things she knows his M.O. and abilities and thus wouldn’t trust him

Even if she sensed sincerity she’d not help him because he’s committed and still committing several serious crimes and unethical actions in this very story

Even if she believed those crimes weren’t so bad and  that he was sincere she’d be smart enough to consider the possibility that he’s tricking her and double check what he’s told her

If she presumed (not that there is any evidence of this in the comic) that Beck was out legally and  she ignored him obviously engaging in identity theft, she’d still double check those fact and learn that he has in fact escaped.

No matter how you slice this Mysterio is very much in the wrong here and so is Mary Jane. She even admits it’s insane and then agrees to go along with it.

Not only is she out of character to nuclear levels but even if this was a completely new villain MJ had never heard of before the mere fact that he’s clearly committed serious crimes to get to this point and is going to continue to do so (chiefly by impersonating McKnight) should be enough to make her her to bow out.

There is soooooooooo much more I could write about this because it cuts to the heart of the problematic premise as presented by the issue. However I will dive more deeply into that in numerous future instalments once we are done with issue #1.

Moving onto the next few pages, MJ predicates her agreement on the condition that her role be rewritten to improve her character. 

This is a fact that she explains will actually improve the film over all. Their discussion occurs as Mysterio gives her a tour of the set and they chat about rewriting her character.** 

During the course of this tour Mysterio unveils some of his film techniques and (at least seemingly) confirms what is and is not real about the production. Among the techniques he is using are his incredible holographic technology and his robot duplicates of the X-Men from ASM Annual #1.

This tour also includes a direct reference to Mysterio’s suicide from ‘Guardian Devil’, implying the artist and editor at least are aware of the events of that story. I’d like to imagine Williams is too. Regardless it’s problematic for the comic to acknowledge those events but treat Mysterio sympathetically in light of what he did in that story.  And needless to say it’s problematic to write MJ as so chill around Beck in this scene/comic given how she knows about those events because she was in the story!

Anyway, MJ gets excited by the prospect of a spin off sequel. That in turn prompts one of the crewmen to imply she got her job through ‘womanly wiles’.

This enrages ‘Cage’ who assaults the man, an event witnessed and recorded by the surrounding crew. As she witnesses these events her self MJ has a curious facial expression.

Much like her expression seeing the actor playing Spider-Man, MJ’s face here is difficult to interpret.

It could mean any number of things.

Could she be viewing Mysterio as someone she’ll have to play carefully?

Is she thinking she’ll have to do her best to ensure he doesn’t get out of hand, whether it’s for her own protection or others’?

I do not know. It’s kind of vague. Hopefully it’s meaning will become clear in consequent issues, but if I’m supposed to understand clearly what it means in this issue then Williams or Gomez dropped the ball.

Something they didn’t drop the ball on though is Mysterio’s characterization. It’s worth mentioning out of fairness that this emphasis upon Mysterio as a passionate artist is extremely in keeping with his character and Williams handles him expertly on this front.

Beck finishes up his tour with a recreation of a scene from ASM #66-67 and MJ is delighted by the fun she and Mysterio are going to have in making the movie.

Notice that Beck directly references how this set piece is recreating a trap he laid for Spider-Man, how he used psychedelic gas to trick his mind.

In essence this is Mysterio simply stating outright to Mary Jane that he once tried to harm her boyfriend and even drugged him to that effect.

And MJ’s reaction to this is…to giggle with glee.

Really?

She doesn’t even show any hint of apprehension over that? We the readers aren’t even made privy to an internal tensing or recoiling on MJ’s part to this man just casually mentioning a time he sought to end the life of the man she is in love with?

Seriously, what the fuck. You better believe we’ll be talking more about this too.

Even from Mysterio’s point of view it muddies the waters of his motivations. As we extensively examined in prior instalments, it’s very likely that Beck knows Peter is Spider-Man, and thus by extension probably knows that Mary Jane is his lover.  So it’s incredibly stupid on his part to blithely mention to MJ a time he drugged Spider-Man and tried to kill him.

Alternatively let’s say Beck’s hiring of MJ was in Kindred’s orders and he is unaware of the exact connection between her and Spider-Man/Peter.  It’s still stupid because he’d still be able to deduce she very probably has something  to do with Spider-Man because he knows Kindred wants her out of the way as he wages war on the wall-crawler.

The fact that Beck is written this way indicates Williams is unaware of the Spencer ASM issues which set up AMJ and/or doesn’t care and/or the editors aren’t doing their due diligence . Regardless it’s a major weak spot of the story. It either breaks the larger narrative that exists between the two titles or it renders Beck out of character via his stupidity.

The latter would be true even if Beck simply wanted MJ in his movie just because he liked her as an actress. He’d still be throwing out the fact he drugged and tried to kill someone (a former Avenger  no less) in his past.

As the story progresses MJ and Peter have a chat on the phone where she makes a point of alleviating any discomfort he might have over making a sympathetic Mysterio biopic, claiming it is the Breaking Bad of super hero films. She continues by pointing out the career opportunities the role presents.

Peter raises concerns for MJ’s safety, suggesting she might find herself surrounded by villains; ironically unaware that Mary Jane is in that exact situation.

MJ assuages his concerns by reminding him of the time she defeated an actual super villain (the Chameleon, though he goes unnamed) with just a baseball bat.

MJ’s statements regarding the movie are arguably contradictory.

Earlier in her conversation with Beck MJ stated that the film empathizes with Mysterio and doesn’t apologise for it.

But then at the end of the story she tells Peter that the film actually isn’t glorifying Mysterio. Rather, it is making the Breaking Bad of super hero movies with an unreliable narrator.

This isn’t necessarily irreconcilable, but it is somewhat poorly communicated on Williams’ part. Breaking Bad’s defining message was that you shouldn’t  be like Walter White. That he was in the wrong, even from the very start.

Why would Mysterio ever write a film about himself in that light? It doesn’t make sense and it would contradict MJ’s dialogue about how the movie empathises with Mysterio as a villain and doesn’t  apologise for that. Breaking Bad wasn’t empathetic towards Walter White, it showed him very clearly as a monster and its final episode had him admit that fact.

Moreover if the film empathises but never apologises for Beck (and is directed by him personally) then isn’t that tantamount to glorifying him?

Because of this the issue leaves us with three possible interpretations of Mary Jane in this moment.

She is either:

Blinded by the prospect of fame and/or fortune and/or excitement and as such cannot see that the film obviously is  glorifying Beck. To an extent we’ll talk more about this in a future instalment. Suffice it to say that’s very out of character

She is outright stupid, which is also out of character

She is deliberately lying to Peter about the artistic nature of the film project. There is a strong case (that we will get to) for MJ lying to Peter about Beck being out of character for her. However, were this a regular film production it might not be an OOC move for her. She wants to make the movie and alleviate her boyfriend’s feelings for the moment. Fibbing to keep their long distance relationship healthy and happy and hopefully being more straight with him when it’s over is not an unreasonable thing to do.

Options 1)-2) don’t exactly paint Mary Jane in a positive light, nor does option 3) necessarily.

MJ just isn’t this stupid, isn’t this capable of being star struck (she’s seen too much serious shit in her time for that) and lying to the love of her life about something like this is questionable. On the latter point it can be argued that there’d be no advantage of her lying to Peter about the project because he’s obviously going to find out when the movie is released.

Personally I suspect Williams never intended to imply any of the above interpretations.

I think she or the editors just didn’t catch that the dialogue at the end of the issue contradicts the dialogue from earlier. Which would be bad writing/editing but not demonstrative of Williams not fundamentally understanding the character. On occasion Stan Lee himself mischaracterized Spider-Man by accident.

Nevertheless a moment that reflects badly upon MJ.

The last moment from this scene involves a ’20 second dance party’ between MJ and Peter.

Its only relevance to this analysis is to exemplify some ways in which Williams nails  Mary Jane’s character.

She’s flirtatious, she’s vibrant, she loves to dance, she loves to party, she can get the overly serious and often angst ridden Peter to emerge from his shell. Combined with MJ’s savvy earlier in the story, her tenaciousness and references to old continuity I can absolutely understand why Williams seemed like a good pick for the project.

But it’s moments like these that frustrate me about this comic (and I suspect the series going forward). It’s not that Williams fundamentally misunderstands Mary Jane but she drops the ball in a few places. Unfortunately those include drops that are so huge  that they break the entire story. At least that will be the case if she doesn’t fill in the holes in her narrative.

The end result though is an extremely mixed bag wherein you have logic holes and mischaracterization so bad it debatably counts as (unintentional) character assassination but at the same time some of the absolute best Mary Jane or Mysterio moments ever! The 20-second dance party is going to be fondly remembered by every Mary Jane fan and MJ/Peter shipper forevermore, and rightly so.

But equally, unless properly justified in the future, MJ knowingly teaming up with Mysterio  deserves to go down as one of the all time worst  out of character moments for her ever.

The final relevant thing from the issue to talk about is the last page. It entails the Vulture’s gang of villains (the Savage Six) reading an article about the Mysterio biopic and deciding to head for L.A.

This is only really relevant for two reasons.

The first is the set up it supplies for future issues.

The second is that the article specifically talks about leaked set photos.

This further plays into the confusing nature of Mysterio’s scheme. He wants the media interest to act as a form of publicity (arguably this leak is an example of that) but he also has current villains on his staff. Wouldn’t the press be likely to find out about that and thereby jeopardize the project?

Reputation for authenticity or not, that’s extremely illegal.

With aaaaaaaall that said it’s time to move onto dissecting the status quo set up by this issue.

It’s all subject to change of course. Williams might address each and every problem eloquently at some point. But taking it at face value I am going to dedicate one (or more…) instalment(s) of this essay series to exploring the problems presented by this premise.

*We will talk much more extensively about this in a future instalment I promise you.

**By the way I don’t quite understand what MJ is asking her character to be rewritten into. She asks why she’s fighting without super powers but then says she should already be doing that in the story and that this is how she falls in love with the hero?????????????????????? Maybe I’m being dense but that just wasn’t clearly communicated to the readers).

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[astrofireworks]

cha eunwoo | astro

An introduction to Astro, lights of our lives, for new Arohas!

(done with @rockoaroundthechristmastree, @rockytheastroid​, @astrofireworks​, @jinwoosmile, @ongbins and @jakganim)

masterlist 

Born 30 March 1997

Gunpo child

How to recognise Eunwoo: look for a literal angel there you go there he is

Literally looks the same in all his eras bc he looks good with dark hair and fantagio Knows it

^ At time of writing anyway; he just came out with light brown hair for dream pt. 02′s jacket and everyone is fucKIN SHOOKT

Fuckin unreal smdh

Baby: light blue car

Visual 3/6

@jakganim (in a fic LOL but it was FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY PUNY LIL HEART) said once that Eunwoo’s as beautiful outside as he is on the inside and honestly i’ve never heard a sentence that describes eunwoo so perfectly 

in short, a heart as radiant and beautiful as he appears????

Researches everything bc he’s a diligent and worried bub

Whatever shows he goes on???? He researches them 

researched every single person going on law of the jungle and also researched what the climate was going to be like and how to build different things 

researched the MCs he was going on with when he went on Happy Together 3 and got exposed they read his unfiltered notes out loud in detail he got so shy ajsdfhlaskjd

researched everyone in crime scene 3 because he didn’t want to make a fool of himself 

got so nervous about variety show training programme bc they didn’t let him know who was going to be on the show with him so he couldn’t research them

puts so much effort into things what the fuck ! 

Real Name: Lee Dong Min 

Nickname: Buttmin (Lee Dongmin: 이동민) where second letter 동 sounds similar to the second letter in butt (엉덩이) because he thought he had a big butt asjdhlfakjsd

he can spell his name with his butt thanks variety show training

Actor 

Was MJ in The Best Hit/Hit the Top (and the members made jokes about it)

had a thing with the members where they’d call him Fake MJ 

Starred in their webdrama To Be Continued as the “lead” but not really (cries forever)

Was part of a miniseries called “Replies that Make us Flutter” where they took send-in answers for topics and incorporated them into short drama episodes. 

Bin starred in one with him as well. He tried to be a bad boy that hated Eunwoo. It was not convincing.

Won Male CF Star at the MTN Broadcast CF Festival

He’s currently in Revenge Note as the “leader” of Astro, it’s weird

#SmartBoi

goes to Sungkyungkwan uni, prestigious uni in SK

was also the top 3rd student in his school AND was student body president in middle school i’m truly weeping

Introduced on a few shows with the hashtag #차파고 (Cha-pha Go, a spin on Alpha Go) because he’s so damn diligent and detailed 

Also went on 1 v 100 with bin and mj but he got into the finals/semi-finals WOW WE STAN BRAINS AND BEAUTY 

Knows japanese and chinese and is nearly fluent in english bless his heart

Also speaks Chinese because his younger brother studies in China

DONGHWIIIIIIIIIIIII

Cute as fuck during new year’s when the rest of astro were in the fantz celebrating new year’s he went home to visit his brother bc he came back from china so he video called into vapp

I need to stop saying fantz someone shoot me i started ironically and now i can’t stop

Once upon a time was in the jungle with Yuri, apparently picked up aegyo there

Gets made fun of all the time by astro for the aegyo asjdfkhlskjd they make him sing the aegyo song literally every time 

And they annoy him by singing it too

Always gets iconic lines / killing parts in songs 

내꺼할래 !! (wanna be mine?)

같이 갈래? (let’s go together?)

Iconic line in polaris

Here’s a compilation you didn’t know you needed

Again made fun of by astro for doing the 같이 갈래

That one astro play where he’s just talking and then lil bitches sanha and jinjin pop up behind him and go 같이 갈래!!! and he just looks so done

The centre of all of Astro’s arm symbol formations 

Makes sure that you know who he is (bc he’s cHa-A e-EUN Wu-UU *thumps chest*) 

This ALSO gets mimicked by the other members, and poor boy tried to chug a soda and do this as well but ended up burping on camera as a result ;v;

Also the stiffest dancer my poor son

Got sent on some programme for idols who can’t dance it was Hilarious

But he also put so much effort into it i’m rly crying he made sure to get help from rocko in dancing the choreography right ;;;;

And he’s improved so much i’m !!!!!! so proud he puts in so much effort and he works so hard and he practices so much fuck i’m emo 

Literally ??? is perfect whatever he says his bad sides are are actually good points smdh 

Was asked once if there was anything he couldn’t do, to which he replied that he wasn’t good at relationships and the MC replied that wtf it just made him more attractive

farewell i am on the floor crying 

oh right okay yes one bad side:

MINIONS 

Smdh he loves them so much

The glasses he wore in the cicada video

that one video of them playing with the minion helicopter

that MINION HAT

160108 DDOCA when they’re playing with the minion blanket and jinjin opens it up and promptly looks horrified  

What the hell is this

European Bagel: once said he was eating an ‘european bagel’ on ok!ready episode 1 if anyone knows what that means pls let us know

He gets anxious about being a burden to astro

Talked about it in Astro Project watch at your own risk I cried

Listen he does so much he juggles acting and photoshoots for CFs and astro promotions he’s constantly trying to improve himself he’s never a burden and if there's one member in all of astro i want to hug and just !! tell him he's okay and that everything will be okay and tell him that he’s perfect and that he’s enough and deserves love it’d be Eunwoo for me ;;;;;;;;

Also Eunwoo: (sits quietly) / 5stro: let’s fuck with him

was playing with the ducks when jinjin and sanha come up behind him and screamed lmao he nearly fell on his face

A compilation or two… or three of Eunwoo being bothered by the other members lolol

Once Jinjin had to pull a secret camera on him and tell him that Astro accidentally broke a camera and without hesitating he offered to pay the full 1.5k$ that camera was worth adsfjkasd what a pure gullible bean ;A;

ICONIC BASEBALL DDOCA THAT SLAYED ALL THE BINU STANS THERE EVER WERE i’m writing this from the grave

Cutest whine? He goes like aaAAa or something like that idk but he does it when he gets annoyed it’s the cutest thing ;;;;;

Literally the (^▽^) face

Mouth opens up into a really wide triangle, width depends on how embarrassed he gets

My favourite laugh in the entire universe

heck I’m so in love,,,

LOVES KIDS 

during one ASC a baby came on and asked all of astro to go to their house to play for christmas eunwoo got out of his seat right away he was 1000% ready to run out of the studio and hop on that airplane

Actually a lil bitch lmao 

“Haha u were going 2 sleep?? Nah stay up & watch me on vlive fam”

Makes fun of hyung line’s height i live for this 

After arohas missed the “MJ” during the first fanchant he joked saying “why don’t y’all just come in on ‘jinjin’ instead?” #LetMJLive2k17 also #LetArohasLive2k17

Voice like moonlight 

Need him singing??? Here

Titles his v-lives “차은우의 Just one 10 minutes” but they’re never 10 minutes they’re nearly an hour long 

His voice is just really really soothing and comforting and if you ever need something to calm you down when you’re upset or if you need a background voice for when you’re studying here he is

Singing voice has improved so so so so so so much from Spring Up, his live singing shakes me to the core

Also sang opera in ASC so really hoo boy he’s improved so much I’m so !!! :’)

Literally can we pause and take a moment to appreciate his baby photos I looked like a rat when I was younger and here he is, snatching, 

My favourite baby ever ajkdlhsfakjsdf i lovE

Did some modelling campaigns pre-debut 

Shara Shara

I bet you needed all these pictures in your life

Cute lotion video :’)

Still king of CFs he recently did a baskin robbins one (with Yoo Seung Ho)

It’s pretty funny

He’s so cute what the heck

After the whole thing, he got addicted to ice cream; he mentioned in a vlive that at some point he could just eat sandwiches and ice cream the whole day

But fantagio also probably feeds all of astro ice cream for breakfast so really,  

A Lafuma ad with Seolhyun (AOA) 

A Polham ad with Doyeon (Weki Meki)

A Ceci spread with Doyeon too!! 

A Lotte Water Park ad with Sejeong (Gugudan)

Won an award for best male CF smdh 

Wears frickin glasses and makes everyone cry 

That one DDOCA where it’s him preparing for a hit the top shooting I would like you to know that this is coming to you from the grave

Got scouted by a Fantagio recruiter when he was in middle school, then bugged into joining the fantz

He was the school president, in the top three of the entire school, wanted Seoul National University to become a judge bless his fuckin heart

Apparently rejected Fantagio the first couple times they asked, but gave in bless him thank god

Astro claimed pre-debut walking anywhere with him meant everyone doing double-takes

Re-enacted on ok!ready: sanha and mj talking in a coffeeshop then stopping and sTARING THE FUCK OUT OF EUNWOO LMAO

Literally blew up on male-dominated sites for being PRETTIER THAN THE FEMALE MCs AT SHOW!MUCORE

So pretty that Hello Venus thought he was prettier than them when starring in their video

Some weibo arohas describe him as the kind of handsome where “even if you’re already married, you’d still take a second glance at him if you passed by him on the street” ("那种虽然有老公了但是对路过的帅哥还是想多看两眼的感觉") I 10000% agree 

weibo arohas also call him "车车" car car / cha cha i'm fuckinjasdfkjdf

In case you wanted a heart attack

Labelled a “Face Genius”, but wants to be acknowledged for more than his looks

“Someone who’s more reliable than anyone else and who always gives his all to the people he treasures, who’s very hard on himself and there are times where it gets too much but because of that, he’s someone who’s detailed and earnest.” (creds to @astrotranslations)

Dony on Weekly Idol called Rowoon (SF9) a face genius once but Rowoon politely deferred and said that title belonged to Cha Eunwoo :’)

Said once in an interview that he’d take whoever he likes out to dinner, give them a necklace then confess asdjfhlaskjd a true romantic bby

Also said that he was an “FM” boyfriend (field manual) asjdhflaksjd my heart is weak don’t attack me like this

You know what, Binu gets a section to themselves smdh 

Just so you know, arohas didn’t come up with the name ‘Binu’, they came up with it (”Team Soap”) themselves 

explained it by saying 빈 (Bin) + 우 (Woo) = 비누 (Soap)

Roommates!!

Picked each other in OK!Ready and have been living in the same room ever since 

in the recent Night Night show they did Eunwoo said that if he could pick roommates again, he’d still pick Bin 

Is apparently scentless to Bin 

Smdh we all know what habituation is it’s bc he smells Eunwoo too much Eunwoo doesn’t have a specific smell anymore

Also together like 24/7 stuck to each other’s side if you’re looking for eunwoo ever just look for bin you’ll find him there

Bin claims Eunwoo is the most beautiful creature on earth tbh same 

“Is he really human? How can someone that looks like him exist?”

Eunwoo thinks Bin is the most handsome too I love supportive friendships ;u;

IS THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN WAKE BIN UP AMAZING

Literally though sanha and jinjin posted a twitter video of them trying to wake bin up it doesn’t work it apparently only works when eunwoo gets him to wake up 

Sleeps through sanha and jinjin prodding him but wakes up when eunwoo starts talking in a vlive

Bin said in the harper’s bazaar interview that he doesn’t wake up when the manager calls him to get up but his eyes naturally open when he hears Eunwoo sighing (creds to @astrotranslations)

Bin’s mom even sent in a concern to hello counsellor bc he wouldn’t stop sleeping and couldn’t wake up so really… eunwoo = magic?

Want more Binu? Here, here and here!

Friends with Mingyu from Seventeen

Mingyu called him once for advice on what to bring to the jungle since he too was going on law of the jungle

Said in Night Night that he gets cold really easily

Yet in OK!Ready (as pointed out by @jinwoostro) he stood outside waiting for Jinjin and Sanha to come even though he was freezing ;u; 

A sweetheart!! Who cares so much !!!! for other members!!!!!!

Listen this boy works so hard and he does so much for a 20 year old: he models, he acts, he’s learning 3 other languages for Aroha, he handles university courses AND he still keeps up with astro’s promotions I’m really crying he’s worked so hard he deserves the world

Im rly fukcing criyng i gotta sotp i love this boy, 

[sterlingfitness]

Isn't She Lovely // Bleff Para

Who: Jeff Sterling and Blaine Anderson @okayitsblaine

What: Blaine accidentally finds about Jeff’s secret

When: October 18th, afternoon

Where: Jeff’s dorm room

Notes: Jeff opens up about his darkest secret

Jeff was going through his Instagram as he waited for Blaine to arrive. It had been a while since they had spend some time together, just hanging out, and after these past few weeks, hanging out with someone different would be good for Jeff to clear his head. Still, he wasn't being good to himself, as he was going through his feed. With all that has been happening, he couldn't help but just want to see his daughter. In a way, it was the root of all his problems, thinking about her, but he couldn't really blame her, only himself. Again, if he hadn't been a horrible person, maybe none of this would be happening and he could just be happy. It could only be punishment, though, as he entered Marisol's account and was faced with a picture of Luna with face paint, holding a little balloon animal, and a long text under it. He had been improving his Spanish for a while now, and even if some words sounded gibberish to him, he understood what it was all about. It was the little girl's 4th birthday. He didn't know how he hadn't figured it out yet, or why he never tried to find out the actual date, but it seemed fitting. He deserved all of this pain he was feeling right now. He had screwed up big time in several aspects of his life and this was his punishment. He looked at the picture sadly, absently brushing his finger over it, but before any tear fell down, he heard a knock on the door. He jumped, quickly locking his phone and throwing it on the bed before getting up and rubbing his face to clear any evidence of being sad. He didn't want to lie to another person. "Hey, what's up," he greeted Blaine with a wide smile, as if he wasn't ready to die inside.

Blaine had been through a lot lately, from finding out that his older brother was sort of friends with his uncle, to the blowup with Kane last week, and he thought it was high time for a break. Jeff was always good for a little breath of fresh air. The jokes, even if Blaine had a hard time remembering them, were always hilarious and always made him feel better, even when the reminders that his caffeine and sugar addiction were getting out of hand and that he needed to eat more healthy. He supposed that was just what sporty people like Jeff did. Either way, they were going to hang out, and maybe Blaine was going to ask him about the meal prep stuff the other did and how he could stand it being monotonous. Knocking at the door, he stood back a little and smiled when his friend answered the door. "Hey, you!" he greeted in return, holding his arms out for a hug. "I only get to see you during musical practices anymore. We needed this hang out session like, really bad."

Jeff wrapped his arms around Blaine, holding him tightly for a moment before leaning back and letting him inside, closing the door behind them "Yeah, and it's not even properly hanging out," he pointed out, running a hand through his hair as he pulled out his desk chair and turned it to his bed, sitting down and placing his socked feet on the bed "So, what's up? I feel like we haven't talked in weeks," he asked, wanting to get his mind off of things, and focusing on Blaine helped. They always had a great time together, and he was actually feeling guilty for not following up on the whole Kane thin with him. Things just got in the way, MJ, the Rachel problem, but now that everything was slightly calmer, he could give Blaine some attention.

Blaine laughed a little. He'd been so much more laid back lately. Maybe that was something he should mention to Jeff- the reasons why he was more laid back than ever. He was turning into his brother, in terms of chill-ness. "You know, the same old stuff mostly. Band is crazy. Jazz ensemble is crazy. Orchestra is less crazy but still crazy," he said, chuckling. He was in the best mood. "Speaking of crazy, I should text Rachel and tell her I'm here. She's going nuts with Madison keeping Mason prisoner and we've been spending a lot of time together, and I don't want her to worry." He reached for his pocket, but felt no phone. He reached for a different pocket, and still felt no phone. He quickly patted himself down and realized that he didn't have his phone on him. "Crap. I must have left my phone in my room. Can I text Rachel from yours?" he asked.

Jeff crossed his ankles on the bed and rested back comfortably on the chair, listening to Blaine. It had been a while since he has seen him like this, but he was glad Blaine was feeling better. He would rather tell his jokes to a happy Blaine, but he was happy he could at least help him out a bit when he was feeling down. He couldn't help but laugh softly at Blaine and how he was talking, clearly in a good mood. "You know, people normally just worry if it's been hours since you've been missing," he pointed out, raising a brow as Blaine started patting down several parts of him "Yeah, sure.. It's right there," he pointed at his abandoned phone on the bed "Mason's been sleeping over at Mad's right? Guess you can steal all his beanies while he's not there," he talked as Blaine used his phone to text Rachel.

Blaine smirked. "I just didn't want her to be searching for me. She's been kinda lost since Mason has been held captive. Madison is really crazy," he commented. "She's making him stay with her, I guess, which is super weird." He reached for Jeff's phone and swiped to unlock it. "I am so going to steal his beanies. I like them, and I really don't know why." Blaine paused looking at the screen that came up when he'd unlocked Jeff's phone. It was Instagram, and it was all in Spanish. He was on someone's page, looking at a picture of a little girl with a balloon animal and a really familiar smile. He squinted trying to read the Spanish, but he didn't know the language now any more than he had ten minutes ago, and ten minutes ago, he'd spoken zero Spanish. The only thing that stood out was the name, Luna. Blaine often missed a lot of things-- jokes and punchlines, things that were being explained to him, etc. But his mind was really clear at the moment, and correlated the fact that Luna meant 'moon.' Which led him to wonder about the moon tattoo Jeff had gotten, and he wondered if maybe the meaning wasn't just minimalist, like Jeff had claimed. He looked up. "Hey, who's this? Is it like your niece or something?" he asked, innocent but confused as he held up the phone screen to show Jeff what he'd accidentally found.

Jeff let out a dramatic sigh "Tell me about it," if Jeff was being honest, he was surprised she hadn't knocked his door down yet for what had happened, but he was glad, he didn't think he could handle her. "She cares about him, though, and he could use a break. She just goes through extreme measures," he crossed his arms loosely over his chest as he talked "I mean, is kidnapping him really necessary? He could at least have his phone on him, I know I stress him out with my stuff, but he's my best friend, I want to talk to him," he went on, not realizing Blaine had quieted down. He just missed Mason and it wasn't like seeing him during rehearsals gave them a lot of time to talk. That's exactly why Blaine was there, to hang out because they haven't talked in a while. After a few moments of silence, Jeff raised a brow, watching Blaine looking at his phone, not even remembering he had forgot to close his Instagram when Blaine knocked. "It's under Dance Partner.." he grinned, thinking Blaine was having a hard time figuring out which text conversation he should click on. As Blaine help up his phone though, Jeff froze, looking at the picture of his daughter on the screen. It was like he brain shut down, clearly not expecting this, and it was noticeable, even if Jeff tried to pretend it was nothing. He cleared his throat and looked confusedly at the picture "I don't know, it's like the search page," when it clearly was not "Why would she be my niece, Cullen has no kids," his mind was doing that thing, when it just started going fifty miles a minute and Jeff wasn't really sure of his actions anymore and just wanted his brain to shut up.

Blaine would have commented on the Mason and Madison situation. Or the Rachel situation. Or what Rachel's name was in Jeff's phone. But he hadn't been listening. As he held the phone up and listened then to what Jeff was saying, he furrowed his eyebrows a little. He knew it wasn't the search page. In fact, the search bar had someone's username in it. The username of whoever posted this picture. "Is her name Luna?" he asked, watching the way his good friend seemed to be freaking out a little. "Are you okay? What's going on?" Blaine's mind's clarity was starting to piece things together. The way Jeff got nervous and danced around the meaning of his tattoo, making up some crap about a movie or whatever... How he was acting about this now... "She looks like you," he commented, almost absently, looking down at the picture again.

Jeff just wanted to get up and get out of that situation. It was like what happened with Savannah, the walls were closing in on him and needed to make it stop before he couldn't breathe. He couldn't fuck up again, though, so he tried to stay focused on the conversation instead of letting his mind wander off and make him do something stupid. He stared at Blaine for a moment before letting out a shaky breathe he hoped was silent enough for Blaine not to hear "I don't know, you're the one with my phone," he said, his voice monotone and cold. He never expected to be faced with this situation. It was easy to deflect talks about first times and kids and those things, but this.. Jeff didn't know what to do this time. He had already admitted to Mason and MJ about being attracted to girls and having a rocky past with one, if Blaine knew... He wasn't ready for people to know about this. "Yes, I'm okay, give me my phone," he reached for it with his right hand, his tattoo in full display. He just needed Blaine to forget about this. But instead, he mentioned how she looked like him and Jeff couldn't help but look away for a moment, pain clear in his face for a moment. He could see it. How she had his nose, and his eyes, but having someone else seeing it.. it killed him. He finally took his phone from Blaine, looking down at it so he didn't have to make eye contact with him, quickly texting Rachel that Blaine forgot his phone but that he was hanging out with him "Of course a white blond kid looks like me, I'm the postcard for whiteness," he mumbled an excuse as he just stared at the text he had sent, not sure how to end this conversation.

Blaine could feel the tension on the room since he'd mentioned this little girl. It was so thick, he could have cut it with a knife. Jeff was suddenly so nervous and not-carefree that it was making Blaine's stomach start to squeeze. He let his friend take the phone from his hand, but stared at Jeff's tattoo as he took it. "The moon means Luna, doesn't it..." he blurted, snapping two puzzle pieces together in his head. "Who is Luna?" he asked, ignoring the way Jeff's tone was going sarcastic and calling himself the poster child for whiteness. He'd have laughed if this wasn't such a weirdly serious conversation. That Blaine could tell that Jeff was trying to get out of. "Who is Luna..." he asked again, a little more softly this time. "Jeff, she looks like you. What's going on?" Blaine's voice was concerned more than accusing. "Is she... related to you or something?"

Jeff wondered if the whole universe was against him right now. He had just patched things up with MJ, and even if they weren't as good as they were before Jeff messed up, they were working on it. And now this. It didn't help the fact that he was already surrounded by people who had kids. Who owned up to it, while Jeff had bailed before things got tough. He was a coward and he just didn't want people to find that out and be disappointed in him. He just wanted to help people out, but when he did something like this, how could they trust him? He was sure that the last thing people thought about him was that he was a cheater and the sort of guy who would leave a girl pregnant alone, but he was all that, and he didn't know how to deal with that fact himself. Jeff self consciously hid his wrist between his thighs as he caught Blaine looking at his tattoo, not wanting to give him any more clues "I don't know.." he said quietly, starting to feel cornered. He was staring down at his lap, lips pursed as he tried not to break down. That would definitely mean something was up and that way Jeff couldn't get out of this conversation. It was everything. It was nearly five years of keeping this secret, it was hurting MJ, it was Rachel's drug problem, it was his best friend slowly heading to a breakdown himself. Everything was piling up inside of him and he wasn't sure he would be able to stop if the bubble popped. And the needle was awfully close right now "No." he said defeated, his voice small and quiet. He was doing an awful job at pretending he was fine, but he didn't have the strenght to get out of it. These last few weeks had drained him up.

Blaine watched his friend, his wonderful, confident sunny friend, so quickly sink down into a nervous pile of muck. He looked like Blaine felt when he wanted to shrink down and melt through the floor boards, and that thought bothered him. A lot. Jeff's answers were short and quiet and Blaine had the district feeling that he was being lied to in some kind of major way. His heart hurt for the way Jeff was right now, and he couldn't hold the compassion back; he didn't even try. "Jeff..." he breathed, moving to lean closer to the other as he gently put his hand on the other's knee. He was almost about to cry himself, the knot forming in his throat while he said the other's name. He was barely concerned about the Instagram picture now, and more concerned with his good friend, who seemed about to shatter over something. "Jeff, what's going on? It's okay... You can talk to me," he added, looking up with big, warm, trustworthy eyes.

Jeff didn't want this. It was like seeing MJ worried about him when Jeff was keeping something huge from him. He was the one who screwed up, he deserved to feel like shit, Blaine didn't have to worry about this, and Jeff didn't want to upset the other with something that was clearly all Jeff's fault. Still, he couldn't push Blaine away, it would only hurt the other and raise even more questions. He wanted the ground to swallow him whole right now, that's all he wanted. He bit the inside of his cheek as he glanced up at Blaine, just for a second, as he couldn't stand to see the other nearly in tears as well. He took a moment before taking a shaky breath "Nothing's going on.." the lied as he breather out, his voice chocking up. This was Jeff's mistake this time, crying. He couldn't pretend anymore and he could never come up with a clever, believable excuse for acting like this over a picture online, and trapped like this, the bubble finally popped. It started with a single tear, but in seconds Jeff cheeks were wet as he cried freely. In a way it felt good, letting all of this weight he had been carrying out.

Blaine could feel how heavy and sad the air was. He had no idea what was going on, but when Jeff looked up at him like that, and he saw the tears start to trickle down the other's cheeks, he couldn't just sit there anymore. He did not hesitate to wrap his arms around the other, engulfing him in a massive hug. He didn't believe that thing was going on. He'd have to be a true idiot to think Jeff was okay at this point. "It's okay, it's okay..." he soothed as best he could, rubbing the other's back as he spoke. Whatever it was, Jeff was torn up about it. Blaine wanted to help, but he didn't think that saying anything was going to make a difference, so he decided just to let Jeff cry. Sometimes Blaine liked to just cry. It helped all of the bad stuff feel less awful. Maybe that was what Jeff needed from it too.

Jeff didn't realize when Blaine had wrapped his arms around him, but soon he was crying into his shoulder, his own arms tightly around Blaine's middle. The hand on his back was soothing, but Jeff couldn't stop sobbing. It was hard to even breathe, his chest hurt as it moved and he honestly didn't know if he could ever stop now. He was crying out years and years of repressed feelings and emotions, and he was crying for what has been happening recently. Jeff just wanted a moment of peace and quiet, and each week there was something happening that just wouldn't let him relax. He was soaking Blaine's shirt, and he felt bad about dumping this on him, but he couldn't help but let it all out, until he was tired of crying. Jeff didn't know how long he was pressed against Blaine's neck, but he slowly started to calm down, his body stopped shaking and his sobs turned into little cries and sniffles.

Blaine held Jeff for who knew how long, letting the other just cry and not worrying about his shirt- they were just tears. He cried along with him, though much more subtly, to the point where it was silent. After all, he did have a lot of experience crying and knowing how to cry so that no one realized. He continued to rub the other's back until the sobs died down, until Jeff was breathing a little bit more normally. He didn't want to pull away before Jeff was done either, because he knew how that felt, and honestly, it wasn't like Blaine and anywhere to be. The most important thing right then was his friend, and his friend needed him. "It's okay," he whispered again, trying to convince the other that it was true, even though he really wasn't sure.

Jeff felt drained. He was ready to call it a day and crawl under the covers, which was totally not like him. He was bright, energetic, and he was always ready to go and do something, but right now he felt empty. He felt hollow and he didn't like the feeling one bit. He squeezed Blaine in his arms for a bit, hoping his warmth would at least make Jeff feel alive, before slowly leaning back, cleaning his blotchy red face with the end of his sleeves. As much as he tried to rub off any evidence of what happened, he couldn't. His eyes were puffy and bloodshot, and most of his face was a awful shade of red. He leaned back on his chair "No.. No one can know this happened," he warned, his voice raspy and still shaking, but strong enough to nearly sound like a threat.

Blaine squeezed Jeff back and held on till the other backed away. He looked so worn out and broken that Blaine felt his whole chest get tight. He could hear how upset he was when he spoke, and Blaine simply shook his head and waved his hands in front of himself. "No, no of course not. I would never," he pomised, hoping to make the other feel better. He really wanted to know what was going on though. And right now, he was just nosy enough to ask. "Are you going to tell me what's going on?" he asked, after a moment. He hoped it didn't come down to searching that person's Instagram and asking them about it because even he wasn't sure he could do that.

Jeff knew he could trust Blaine. Blaine was kind, understanding, and it was stupid from him to even think he would go off and tell everyone Jeff had sobbed all energy out, but this was serious for Jeff. This was the one thing he hoped he could just store away forever, even if he knew it was wrong. He nodded softly, just looking defeated. He looked down at his hands, playing with his own fingers as he debated with himself if he should tell Blaine. He didn't even have the strength of making a joke about not being able to escape it even if he wanted, so he just nodded. Might as well, right? There was no way Blaine was going to let this go, and maybe Mason was right. Keeping secrets never ended well. "She, uhm..." he started, his face crunching up again and the tears blurring his vision. This was it. His darkest secret coming out "S-She's my d-daughter..." he let out in a sob.

Blaine sat there, blinking. Had he really just heard that? Jeff, his friend. His very gay and very out friend had just said that he had a daughter. That daughter's name was Luna. Moon. Jeff's tattoo. It was more than just Jeff liking minimalist things. He got it for his daughter. But he'd never heard a word about her before, which was strange. Anyone he knew with a kid was head over heels for them and shared pictures all the time on all social media platforms, talked about them constantly, made every effort to let everyone know about their kid. But not one word about Jeff's daughter. Blaine pressed his lips together, knowing there was some kind of story or history or something behind it, but wanting Jeff to say it on his own terms. "She's beautiful, Jeff," was all he said, keeping everything as positive and calm as he could.

Jeff nervously played with his hands as he waited for a reaction from Blaine. His brain was going over all the scenarios, but what Blaine said had to be the least expected. He couldn't help but let out a little sad, teary laugh at that "I know... She's the most beautiful thing in the world..." he nodded softly, going back to cleaning his eyes. He knew Blaine was waiting for an explanation, something that made sense of it all, but he was thankful he wasn't pressing on it. Jeff needed a moment to gather himself if he was going to talk about this. "I really fucked up, Blaine.." he said quietly, just rubbing his cheeks, even if they were already dry.

Blaine smiled a tiny, sad smile when Jeff called the little girl from the picture 'the most beautiful thing in the world.' He imagined that it was the hardest thing in the world to try and keep that in, hold her as a secret to himself. It was obvious that he loved that little girl with all of his heart. He didn't know why the other was so upset about her though. Was it that he was gay and embarrassed that he had a daughter? Because he knew plenty of guys that weren't perfect gold star gays. "Hey, don't say that," Blaine offered, trying to comfort the other in whatever way he could.

Jeff shook his head. He didn't understand how Blaine was so calm about this, he had just told him he had a kid, out of nowhere. Maybe he wasn't, and was just trying to make Jeff stop from freaking out more, and honestly, Jeff was thankful, because the only way he could feel even worse is if Blaine had a bad reaction. If Blaine didn't understand, then no one would. "I did. I messed up and now I'm missing all of these dates and landmarks and I hate myself.." he admitted "I'm a horrible person, Blaine."

Blaine pressed his lips together. He could see how torn up about this Jeff was, but he didn't really understand why. Anyone else he knew with kids was so excited to share that they had a kis, why was Jeff's having a kid such a big deal? "How did you mess up? Having a kid isn't messing up... She's so beautiful, Jeff. What do you mean you're missing dates and landmarks and stuff? Why do you hate yourself? Why are you so embarrassed about her?" he asked, maybe a little too boldly. It just didn't make any sense to him that Jeff could be embarrassed of his own daughter. He didn't seem like that kind of guy.

Jeff quickly shook his head. He could never be embarrassed in his daughter, not when he was the one who messed up "I'm embarrassed about myself, of what I did.." he mumbled, looking down at his hands on his lap. How can he even start? That she was an accident? Most kids with parents his age were surprise babies. But Jeff never owned up to it, he pretended he wasn't a father, and that what he was embarrassed about. "I'm missing things because she lives in Madrid with her mom..." he figured that would be a good way to start. It explained the Spanish and why Jeff was never with her.

Blaine nodded, still not really getting where Jeff was going with this. "Madrid is... where?" he asked. When it came to crazy Italian musical terms, Blaine was the king, but he sucked at geography. "Isn't Madrid in like, Spain?" he questioned, before Jeff could answer. Spain was a really long way from New York. Like hours by plane. "Why are she living in Spain?" he asked, continuing his questioning. Maybe it was too much and he needed to stop, but he was just so curious. There was a story here and Blaine knew it, but Jeff didn't really seem like it was one of those stories that you just told in regular every day conversation.

Jeff sighed as Blaine asked where Madrid was. He ran his fingers through his hair, pushing it out of his face "Yeah, Spain. Europe, Spain," he confirmed with a tiny little nod. Part of it made it easier to pretend nothing had happened. There was literally almost no chance for them to bump into each other accidentally, so Jeff never had to be faced with it. But now that he's regretting his decision, the distance was everything but helpful. "Her mom is Spanish. We met... almost five years ago," he looked up at Blaine with tired eyes. He really just wanted to crawl under the covers and pretend this conversation didn't exist. "We were staying at the same resort in the Dominican Republic. Y'know, family holidays.."

Blaine was starting to understand a little better now. Puzzle pieces were again falling into place. Jeff and his family had gone on vacation and that's where Jeff had met Luna's mother. At the same resort. He imagined that they'd gotten together... hooked up (Blaine wasn't a fan of that term), and then they'd both gone home from their respective families. Five years ago would make Jeff 15. Blaine's curiosity loomed. He was quiet though, for a little while. "Why don't you ever talk about her?" he asked, apparently full of questions for his friend who looked absolutely miserable. He didn't blame him for looking miserable. If he'd had a kid and didn't talk about them or was separated by an ocean from them, he'd be miserable too.

Jeff was just waiting for Blaine's questions. He knew he had them, he could see him think, but he was holding back, and Jeff was thankful. He wasn't sure he could handle a questioning right now. Luna's mother, Marisol, had been sort of a summer love kind of thing. If the outcome didn't stain the memory, he would have looked back fondly at it now. They immediately liked each other and went around doing things together. Jeff even had left Cullen alone with their parents, so he could be around this girl. One thing led to another and they ended up losing their virginity to each other. It was a nice memory if three months later Jeff got a call from her "It's complicated.." Jeff had no way to explain it without saying what really had happened, but he didn't want Blaine to be disappointed in him "I.. I'm not in her life."

Blaine could tell this was hard for Jeff, and the reason why came just shortly after his question. Blaine's stomach squeezed. He imagined first, his own father not being in his life. He didn't know what his life would be like without his dad. Even if the man didn't like certain things about Blaine's lifestyle, he was still so, so important. Blaine pursed his lips. This was now a really touchy subject. It wasn't easy to ask questions anymore, but he felt like he needed to. "Why not?" he asked, quietly, though he thought he might know the answer already.

Jeff 's face scrunched up again as Blaine wondered why. This was it, what he feared the most. Blaine was going to look at him differently and there was nothing he could do about it, as much as he regretted his decision. It had been so easy, not to think about what he did when he wasn't faced with his daughter's face all the time. Now it was impossible to stay indifferent "Blaine.. I was fifteen.." it didn't change anything, though, Marisol had to go through it alone at fifteen, too "She called me, months later, saying she was pregnant," his voice was small as he talked, his hands moving around nervously "I just... I didn't know what to do..."

Blaine felt his eyebrows raise the slightest bit in surprise. He tried to force them to stay where they were, to force his entire face to stay calm. He was trying to stay positive for his friend, but Jeff's story was getting deeper and deeper and it was hard to stay afloat. He pictured a terrified 15 year old Jeff, panicking. Blaine didn't want to assume anything, but he hated the thought of actually asking the question he was about to ask. "So... you didn't own up?" he asked, his voice soft. He understood why the other might have done that. Or not done that. But also he didn't really get it. His eyes were trained on his friend, waiting to see what he said. Wondering how he could help him not feel like he looked.

Jeff just nodded, bowing his head in shame and letting tears falling down. It was hard, admitting it out loud, when all he had done before was deal with it alone. "I just... I didn't want to disappoint my parents, or Cullen.. So I said I didn't want to have anything to do with it.." he let out between soft sobs against the back of his hand. He tried to catch his breath so he could keep going, maybe try to get Blaine to see his point, too. He knew he was in the wrong, no matter how much he tried to excuse himself, but he had feelings, too, and he regretted what he had done "No one knows.. I told no one and tried to pretend it never happened. It was easy, I didn't know if it was born, if it was a boy or a girl.. Hell, I even hoped it wasn't mine.." he shrugged softly. It sounded bad, he knew, but he was being honest. He did his best to keep that little fact in the back of his head "I only found her recently, by accident and... I can't ignore anymore this little girl who is clearly my daughter anymore.. And it's hard.." he cried again "I fucked up so badly, Blaine.."

Blaine listened as Jeff poured out his heart to him. It was a lot to take in. It was absolutely terrible. It was what you heard about on tv shows or made fun of with jokes about "baby momma's" or "baby daddies" and never really thought about it again after that. But it was real for Jeff. And yet, Blaine was able to put himself in the other's shoes- he was pretty good at that. He could see it from Jeff's point of view. It had to be terrifying and hasty and he could tell that the other had some much regret toward the decision he'd made. There had to be a way to fix it- or at least to try. Everything could be made right. He leaned over and wrapped his arms around the other and leaned his head down on his. "Oh Jeff..." he breathed, trying to come up with something else to say. After a moment, he spoke again. "Have you tried reaching out? Because even if the response is negative, at least you tried. Don't you owe yourself that? Don't you owe your daughter-Luna that?" he asked, still wrapped around Jeff.

Jeff couldn't help but lean into Blaine's arms, even if he knew he didn't deserve it. He was the one who messed up, who let his own child be raised without a father for selfish reasons. He didn't want to disappoint his family, telling them he got a girl pregnant, but now, telling them he didn't own up to it.. that was even worse. But now Blaine knew and he wasn't judging him, at least for now, so he was going to take that support while he could. He wrapped his arms around Blaine's torso, nuzzling against his shoulder, trying not to cry more. He didn't have any more tears to cry out. He shook his head softly "No... I don't.. I don't deserve it. She doesn't deserve me," he mumbled against his shoulder. He had the mother's email, but he was too scared to send anything. He didn't even know what to write to her "I'm a horrible person, her mother will probably tell me to piss off, and she's right. I have no right over her, I gave it up when I said I wanted nothing to do with it."

Blaine furrowed his eyebrows as Jeff talked about being a horrible person and how he had no right. Maybe he didn't have any right to his daughter, both out of principle as well as legally. But maybe he did. "Hey," he started. "You are not horrible. Okay, so the thing you did could be labeled as horrible, but you are not horrible. You are one of the most wonderful people I know. You have the biggest and warmest heart. It's been five years. Do you think that maybe in that time you've grown up a little? Or a lot? Do you think that maybe she has too, and maybe if she's grown up and you've grown up, maybe she won't tell you to piss off. And even if she does, someday, that little girl is going to ask where her daddy is, if she hasn't already. She's gonna ask how to find you. Maybe if you contact her mom, she might have an easier time. I don't think you should sit here and hate yourself and never try to make it better. People make mistakes. Yours can be fixed, Jeff. But you have to try."

Jeff listened to Blaine, and he knew he was right. But there was always this stubborn part of him, or maybe he was just scared of rejection, that didn't allow himself to think something good would happened. It happened with MJ, and it's happening now. He's afraid of making the effort of fixing his mistakes for it to mean nothing. "I am horrible, though, " he leaned back. he couldn't stop beating himself up for it "If I hadn't seen a picture of her, I would have kept going like this hadn't happened. I would think about it, but it wouldn't affect me the way it does now.." he rubbed his face tiredly "Do you know what I did? I kissed someone else, I cheated on MJ," he admitted "All because Luna and this situation is all I think about and it's working me up and I mess up..." he sighed sadly "I don't know what to do, Blaine. What if I talk to her and she never responds? What if she does and tells me to stay away? I'll always feel like this.. All because I made a stupid mistake when I was fifteen."

Blaine shook his head, blinking hard. Jeff had cheated? He hadn't seen that coming. Quickly, he pulled himself together. "No, Jeff. If you kissed someone else and say that it's because of this situation with your daughter, then you need to fix the situation with your daughter..." He leaned back and clasped his hands together in his lap. "I think if she doesn't respond, then you still tried to make it work. You tried to own up to what you did, even if it was too late. If you don't do it, then what else might you do, what other mistakes might you make? If you don't try and reach out, you're going to keep slipping deeper and deeper into the hole. You've gotta do it. Fix it. I know you can."

Jeff just nodded as Blaine talked. What could he do more? Blaine was right, he needed to do something about this before it got out of hand and he just kept making mistake after mistake. "I have Marisol's email..." he tried, looking up at Blaine. He was expecting to see disappointment there, but he knew Blaine. Blaine was kind, he was understanding, he looked ready to help Jeff in whatever he needed. He didn't think he deserved this compassion, but it was nice, not having someone kicking him when he was already down, and after pouring his heart out, he didn't think he could take it. "I can send her an email... I just.. I love her so much, Blaine, I don't want her to hurt, but maybe she is better off without me.." he shrugged softly.

Blaine shook his head. "She is not better off without you, Jeff. Neither of them are. If the roles were reversed, do you think you'd be mad or glad that your daughter's dad wanted to step up? That he was sorry. That he wanted to fix his mistake. And that the mistake wasn't his daughter, that it was leaving her..." Blaine wondered if any of what he said made sense to Jeff. He knew what he would do. But what would Jeff do?

Jeff let out a sad sigh "I wouldn't know, I was on the other end of that situation.. " he played with his own fingers absently as he talked. He knew Blaine was right, he had to really step up, just not say he was wrong, but things were against him. She lived across the ocean from him and didn't even speak his language, but he had to do it. He had to own up this time "Yeah.. I'll do it.. If everyone ends up hating me after, I guess I'll still have you... right?" he looked up at Blaine, biting his lip. He knew he shouldn't worry about what other people think, but this was what caused it in the first place. He just wanted people to be proud of him, and he kept disappointing them.

Blaine felt a little relieved when Jeff said that he would try and contact his daughters mother. He wasn't sure why it was important to him, he wasn't even involved. "Everyone is not going to hate you," he replied, almost sternly. "And yes, you're going to always have me. I promise. I'm not going anywhere." He paused, considering for a second. "I'm sure that there are people who aren't going to be happy about it. But who cares about them? They don't understand and I think people would be more upset if you weren't trying to step up." He nodded matter of factly.

Jeff eyed Blaine as he sternly told him that not everyone was going to hate him. He pictured telling it to the people that mattered to him. His brother, his parents, Mason and MJ, Rachel and Nick. He hoped those would be the ones that didn't hate him, as they were the ones whose opinion and friendship was important to him. He got Blaine, though, and that was something. He nodded and then pulled Blaine for a tight hug "Thank you.." he mumbled, feeling drained and tired, but in a way, relieved. All those pent up feelings were finally out, and maybe it was time for it to be out, too.

[viralnewstime]

After a five-year wait, Purity Ring are back with their latest album, Womb. The Canadian duo – comprising Megan James and Corin Roddick – first formed in 2010, releasing their debut full-length Shrines in 2012 to exceptional critical review. The second single from the album, ‘Fineshrine’ currently has more than 58 million streams on Spotify, was named one of the best songs of the decade so far by Pitchfork, and made it onto triple j’s Hottest 100 for 2012.

The group’s second album Another Eternity was released in 2015. Another Eternity featured single ‘Begin Again’, which came in at number 87 on the triple j Hottest 100 for 2015, and currently has over 25 million Spotify streams.

Vocalist Megan James tells Music Feeds she hopes the forthcoming album “feels like a place where people can rest and sit in and feel some kind of comforting escape for the brief time that it runs for.”

In this interview, we have a chat with James about the band’s creative process for the album, her personal favourite tracks, and how she’s holding up during quarantine.

Music Feeds: You guys have mentioned that Womb “chronicles a quest for comfort and the search for a resting place in a world where so much is beyond our control”, which seems pretty relevant to what we’re experiencing right now. What were you thinking about, specifically, when creating this album?

Megan James: Yeah, as it happens, it is applicable. I feel like, it’s odd how applicable it is right now. Mostly I think that’s just because we made the record from home and like, made a conscious decision to stay home a lot, whereas a lot of times throughout the previous records, we would travel somewhere together and like, go on some kind of writing trip. But yeah, I felt like, after touring Another Eternity – which was extensive, like, we toured for a really long time – we both needed a lot of space after that, to sort of like, come back to ourselves, and I think staying home to write this record sort of was born of that feeling. It’s like, we want to be home as much as we can ‘cause as soon as we’re done we have to go tour again.

So, yeah, I feel like that really played into it. Like, I am the kind of person who absorbs a lot from my environment, and therefore my home becomes a place where… how it feels and like, what’s in it and yeah, what it feels like it encompasses is really important to my creative process. A lot of that was like, a major part of just how this ended up being. It wasn’t like, that conscious what the record ended up being about, that’s like, more I guess how the personal poetry of the past five years of my life, it just so happens. But I think overall it was just staying home, and needing to for our creative process.

MF: This album was entirely recorded, produced, and mixed by yourselves. How was that process different from previous albums where maybe you had other people mixing or helping out in different ways.

MJ: Well, it’s not actually that different. Like, we usually… we have always done everything ourselves. I guess for our third record it was something we did more decisively, ‘cause it’s a lot easier to get things done faster, especially living in LA, it’s like… if you have a problem it’s really easy to call someone up and get it solved. I dunno, that’s never our go-to because we have, like through our creative process over the years we’ve realised that if it’s not coming from, exclusively from the two of us, it doesn’t feel like Purity Ring anymore. Also, it’s just sort of like a DIY mentality that we’ve always had. It’s like when we started making music, we did what we had to, like, it was all in Corin’s basement where we recorded, and then it was like in the living room in the Montreal apartment, and now it’s in the spare bedroom [laughs] at our house.

And it’s not because we could do anything differently now, necessarily. Like, we’re not at the stage where we can like, have the big studio and have like, all the gear and make a bigger deal out of it or whatever. It’s just like, what we’ve always done. But this time Corin did mix it himself. He mixed the Shrines record, and then we had someone else mix Another Eternity, and then he wanted to do it again this time, which was a big deal, it’s a lot of work. But yeah, it comes at the end. So, the writing process is all pretty much the same with how it has been.

MF: Do you have a personal favourite track from the album?

MJ: It actually changes. For a long time, it was ‘Rubyinsides’, I really like ‘Rubyinsides’. Corin’s favourite is ‘Sinew’, definitely. When we finished the record, I really liked ‘Vehemence’. Like, I wasn’t sure about it before and then I really liked it. It’s funny how it comes together. You don’t always know what it’ll look like at the end and it’s often unexpected. I mean, obviously we like all the songs, they made it to the record but, yeah, how my initial reaction to them traverses quite a lot over the process of making it.

MF: What’s your favourite lyric that you’ve ever written, across any of the albums?

MJ: Hm, that’s a really hard question. I don’t remember a lot of them, honestly. Like, I don’t really look back or listen.

MF: Or maybe from this album, if it’s easier?

MJ: Yeah, maybe from this album it would be… I think, there’s a bit at the… I think the end of ‘Femia’ is my favourite thing. That gets stuck in my head a lot and I feel like it has the elements of poetry that I am usually aiming for, in a very compact way. It just feels really satisfying.

MF: How are you planning on spending your time during this quarantine/isolation period of our lives?

MJ: Well, like I said, I spend a lot of time at home to begin with. Work from home is like… it’s funny though, ‘cause like, all of my creative process is already here and then, since the quarantine started, I’m having a harder time than ever actually being creative. I didn’t realise how much I’d have to wrap my head around what’s happening, even though it’s like, it feels like I’m alone but I know I’m not, but also… I dunno, it’s like, it’s developing into a thing that… it’s so big and so real that it is really hard to know what to do with it but I feel like we have to do something with it, otherwise, we won’t get anything done [laughs].

I don’t know, I have a lot of… I’ve been sort of going through phases, and initially, I was like, this is great, I’m gonna like, start a sourdough starter – which has been two weeks, it’s going great – I can make bread. I’m growing sprouts. I’m like, doing all these sort of, self-sustaining things so that I don’t have to go to the grocery store I like planted potatoes [laughs]. Working at all these things that will just like, maintain being able to stay inside longer.

But then it’s like… I’m fortunate enough to be okay, with where we’re at right now, but it feels like survival mode. I guess one thing I could say though is, I do really appreciate how everyone’s first instinct was sort of to like, help each other. In the first week of quarantine I got more phone calls from like, distant friends to like, have a Skype hang or whatever than I ever have before and it’s like oh, everyone’s really thinking about each other. It gave me a lot of hope for whatever the new normal is.

MF: Yeah. I think that’s very accurate though, about the reduced motivation to do things. I’ve definitely been feeling that as well, in a weird way.

MJ: Really?

MF: Yeah, like even with writing and stuff, I’m like, I’ve got to do it but… it’s hard. When the world feels like it’s almost falling apart, it’s hard to get motivated. I dunno, it’s weird.

MJ: Yeah, it’s like… It’s so heavy that you can’t hole up and pretend it’s not there. Because like, it’s affecting everyone anyway. It’s hard to define at this point.

MF: It is. I’m sure in the future there’ll be lots of stuff about it written.

MJ: Oh yeah. But also, I just hit this point where… it got heavier recently. Like, I started feeling more emotional than I was the first couple of weeks, so, I don’t know about you, but I’m like… it’s starting to hit harder.

MF: No, for sure. I think that’s definitely a thing.

MJ: Like, it’s beyond cabin fever, it’s like… whoa, what is happening? I feel like, crazy in a way I’ve never felt before, so I don’t know.

MF: Yeah, ‘cause the first week or two it’s new and it’s different, and then you get a bit further in and it’s like oh, this isn’t ending, this keeps going…

MJ: And it’s like, shifting still, because it doesn’t end… We’ll see though, I hope we’re all okay.

MF: So do I. Are you marathoning any Netflix shows or reading any books during this time that are particularly good?

MJ: The usual. I watched Tiger King, which was great. Also, Crip Camp was a beautiful movie, also on Netflix. That one was very moving for me. And then, I had like, a funny sort of coincidence, I guess. I watched this movie Safe the other night, which is from… I think it was made in ’87, which is right after the AIDS crisis in America, so it’s like, kind of pertaining to that, and it has Julianne Moore. Anyway, the next day, The New Yorker wrote an article about how that movie applies to what we’re going through right now, and it was like… the movie really affected me, and then the next day was this article, and I was like, oh, this is easier to think about, ‘cause it is the kind of movie where it’s like… I was affected but I wasn’t sure why, like, ‘whoa, what just happened to me? I have so many feelings!’. But yeah, that was a really good movie, and on point, weirdly. Kind of like a timeless message, I guess.

MF: Yeah, I find that’s kind of strange as well with like, a lot of media out there, whether it’s albums or movies or books, some of it just weirdly relates to what we’re going through right now, without even… you know, being created years before. Whether I’m just reading too far into it, I dunno.

MJ: No, but like, the first movie I watched when this all started was Contagion, obviously. But that was like, eerie how on the nose it was. So, yeah, there is a lot of entertainment that predicted this. It’s so weird. But also it’s time. Pandemics are… I think the main thing that affects society, and it’s every century or so it happens. We’re kind of like, due for one. Or that’s like… I have read that, I’m not saying that of my own accord.

Actually, the last book I read it was last year at some point. Reading books has been a thing that’s on the list that I procrastinate about. I read The Lost City of the Monkey God, which is like, it’s kind of like, about treasure hunters, I guess [laughs]. Anyway, that was interesting ‘cause it’s also about how they’re… like, they all go deep in the jungle, where people haven’t been for hundreds of years, and they come out with leish[manaiasis], and they all… the virus has been around since the beginning of time, but there’s still no cure and it still exists. I’m not making any sense, but the book’s related to what we’re going through now.

MF: Yeah, I think you’re right. I think it has been shown that every hundred years or so there seems to be something. Who knows why that is…

MJ: Yeah, it’s nerve-racking and we’re in it and there are no answers because there are not many people around who have been through this before.

–

Purity Ring’s new album ‘WOMB’ is out now.

The post Purity Ring’s New Album ‘Womb’ Is A Resting Place In A World Out Of Control appeared first on Music Feeds.

from Music Feeds https://ift.tt/2XyqvSs

[snapplecap]

The Time I Accidentally Consumed Espresso

     Let me begin this story by stating what is apparently one of the most blasphemous statements known to the English language: I don’t drink coffee.

     You read that right. I don’t drink coffee, I don’t know how to make coffee, I don’t drink or understand the differences among a frappuccino, latte, cappuccino, grande, venti, large, or whatever strange sizing system coffee enthusiasts seem to use for this weird energy drink. I know three things for certain about coffee: 1) There’s a disgustingly pink colored unicorn drink out there in the world that the internet is absolutely melting down over 2) My friends who drink coffee depend on it possibly more than my brother used to depend on his cigarettes 3) Espresso is something like the drinkable version of a defibrillator. 

     With that in mind, I’m taking you on an adventure down memory lane roughly four years ago. I’m home from school on winter break, doing odd jobs for spare cash, playing with my beloved dog, and other typical winter break activities. My childhood friend Sarah contacts me and asks me to watch her family’s dog while they’re on vacation. Of course I say yes, and agree to meet with the family to receive proper puppy playtime and care instructions. 

     During said instruction time, I am informed to “help myself” to the multitude of cookies made by Sarah’s boyfriend Mike that have been beautifully piled into tupperware bins lining the edge of the crescent shaped kitchen bar. 

     Okay, if you insist, twist my arm. 

      People, when I tell you Mike bakes cookies, I don’t mean he baked a couple batches. This guy is a HARDCORE baker. And I, being the equally hardcore food junkie that I am, was more than happy to oblige to this suggestion to “help myself” to the cookies.

     Fast forward to day one of puppy watch. I take the dog for a walk, feed her, throw the ball, etc etc, all the standard dog activities. Then the fun begins. I strolled into that kitchen like Justin Bieber rolling up to his favorite LA club, ready to make horrible, horrible decisions. I was a king among my adoring people, a movie star with pen in hand for autographs for thousands of admirers. I don’t know what the energy felt like at the ‘93 Super Bowl seconds before MJ began his epic performance, but I can only imagine it was a little like how walking into this cookie-filled wonderland felt. 

     I make my way through snickerdoodles, peanut butter, ginger bread, and traditional sugar cookies properly outfitted with an array of sprinkles touching every corner of the color spectrum. I just take a small bit of each because I am an adult with self control. 

     Then I reach the final tupperware bin containing the cookie I have long been waiting for: the chocolate chip. This is where the magic happens. This is the ultimate conquest. This is the grand finale, all I have been waiting and hoping for, neatly piled and stacked into this light blue reusable plastic container, sitting so quietly in the corner of this kitchen, waiting to rock my world. There is no substance on this planet as sublime as chocolate, and I know a baker as skilled as Mike is going to make this already-flawless and timeless cookie simply ethereal. 

     The scent of velvety chocolate and sugar waft into the air as I snap open the top, the cookies are impossibly delicate in my hand, seeming too perfect for this world. I sink my teeth into their crispy exterior, slowing as I hit the spongy center. How Mike has managed to create such an impeccable cookie is beyond me. But about two bites into this particular cookie, I pause. Something is different, but I cannot put my finger on it. It still tastes good, but there’s something...I just can’t name. Is it cinnamon? Did he use extra vanilla? I simply cannot name this odd flavor I’m tasting. While I am a far cry from being Bobby Flay, I like to consider myself fairly competent in the kitchen, so this quandary has me rather frustrated. So, after tasting a flavor I don’t recognize, I proceed with the only logical answer I can think of: keep eating cookies until I can name this mystery flavor. 

     About five cookies later, I give up. I have no idea what I’m eating, and while I regret nothing about eating this many cookies, as I mentioned before, I am an adult. I have self control. I must stop. 

     I pat the dog one last time and head home. 

     With nothing on my schedule for the rest of the day, I settle down on the couch with my own pup for a movie. About twenty minutes into the movie, I realize I’m no longer paying attention to the film as my mind races around thinking of my plans for the rest of winter break and school and I wonder if my professors have posted grades yet and what classes am I taking next semester again and when does Mom get home from work and omg Target is SO MUCH FUN TO SHOP IN THEY HAVE THE BEST SOCKS I should get some I wonder how many of those bull terriers they have for Target commercials and how did they decide on a white bull terrier I don’t think that many of them even exist and--STOP. 

     I have no idea what’s going on in the movie anymore but my heart is RACING. I have an incredible urge to run REALLY FAST SOMEWHERE EVERYWHERE ANYWHERE. I SHOULD DO LAUNDRY. I SHOULD CLEAN THE ENTIRE WORLD. 

     I try to be productive with cleaning but the vacuum doesn’t vacuum the things off the ground fast enough and I have to keep going over the same spots. I’m belting out lyrics to various Broadway musicals while folding my laundry but my heart continues to pound in my chest and every inch of my being feels like a live wire. 

     That’s it. I call the dog over, leash her up, lace up my shoes, and head outside. And we run. And run. And run and run and RUN AND RUNANDRUNRUNRUNRUNNNNNNNNNNNNN

     My dog is an Australian Shepherd. I don’t know how many miles later, I FINALLY feel somewhat calmer, my heart rate is coming down, and the dog is lagging as far behind me as the leash will allow. I don’t know what was in those mystery cookies, but I am NOT under any circumstances eating a single one ever again. 

     Fast forward a couple weeks; the family is back in town, and I’m eating dinner with them to hear about their adventures and receive monetary payment. Mystery cookie baker Mike is present at said dinner. 

     Mike: “So, how’d you like the cookies?”

     Me: “Aw man, they were great! Any time you want to bake too many cookies, I’m more than happy to help!”

     Mike: “Yeah? You liked the snickerdoodles?”

     Me: “Oh man, YES. Fantastic.”

     Mike: “And the sugar cookies?”

     Me: “Dude, the absolute essence of beautiful simplicity in its purest form.”

     Mike: “And the double espresso chocolate chip?”

     Me: *Slams drink down on table, eyes bug out of skull* “THAT’S what that was?!!!” 

     I quickly run them through the course of events following my cookie adventure. The table of 8 sits in total silence. 

     Entire family: *stares at me then bursts out laughing*

     So. I have no idea if it was the mass consumption of sugar, or the double espresso shot cookies, or a combination of all of the above that led to me sprinting around the neighborhood with an Aussie in tow, but I have not come close to touching coffee ever since. Any time someone expresses concern for my well being when I mention that I don’t drink coffee, I explain to them that I once accidentally consumed espresso and thought I was having a heart attack. I never in all my life ever thought it would be possible to “accidentally” consume something like this, but I suppose life has a way of throwing curveballs at us. Ultimately, I learned a very valuable lesson that day: When you don’t recognize a flavor, it is most likely because you have never had that particular flavor before. Eating more of the flavor you’ve never consumed before will not help you identify it considering YOU’VE NEVER HAD IT BEFORE.

     I will never forget that day until the day I die. It was slightly terrifying. It was delectably delicious. I regret nothing.