#I am rotating all I learned in the retrospective through my brain

[centaurianthropology]

NYbN Belated Meta: Isaac and Fuego (Season 1 Retrospective Spoilers)

Since watching the season 1 retrospective on ‘New York by Night’ on the Project Ghostlight patreon, two things have been spinning through my head like rotisserie chickens for the past while.  One of them is outright stated, one is far more implied, but I am gnawing on them, fascinated by them, desperately needing to write meta about them so I can get all my thoughts down.

Now, below the cut are two things I either learned or realized while watching the retrospective.  That means that there are spoilers for said retrospective.  If you’re a fan of NYbN and want to read this, I seriously urge you to go and sign up for the Patreon and watch the retrospective first!  I do not want to make people feel like the information below the cut is in any way a replacement for the massive amount of information you get from that.  It’s two things.  Essentially a taster for the feast that lies one Patreon subscription away.

Cool?  Cool.  Let’s get into this.

Okay, let’s start with what may be my favorite revelation from the retrospective, that makes such sense once you know it:

Isaac’s hoarde is people.

This is such a cool concept for a Tzimisce!  There are so many ways it can be fucked up, and so many ways it forces the player and the character to act as a team player far more than the Tzimisce might be wont to do otherwise.  It is simultaneously monstrous and an enormous weakness, and that is such a great way to set up a character.

It also recontextualizes so many of his actions once you realize this.  It not only plays into his position as running a protection racket and craving prey that need things from him, but his particular attachments to Michal and Angela make so much more sense.  They were real life colleagues and the closest things he had to friends, who then became the first people in his hoarde.  His fierce protectiveness of them also makes so much sense in this context, as people messing with Michael or Angela are people messing with what is HIS. 

Particularly after finding out that he’s more or less incapable of feeling most human emotions, I find it super fascinating that his Beast probably feels far more than Issac would on his own.  That possessiveness his Beast has is possibly the closest he’s ever felt to real love or friendship (all twisted by wanting to own the people his Beast decides to latch onto, adding a real layer of horror to all his relationships), which makes Isaac the inverse to a lot of Kindred: his Beast almost makes him more human, giving him more of a sense of human emotions and attachments than he might have ever had otherwise.

That puts him in a really unique position: he is particularly weak to social needs.  And nowhere is it more obvious than with his coterie.  The second they were all paired off by Richter, Isaac essentially looked at these three other vampires and decided that they were now part of his hoarde.  I once said Serif was the first of them to really embrace being a coterie, but she wasn’t.  Isaac was, just in far more subtle ways.  Despite Fuego having a car, he insists on having Michael drive the coterie as a group; he even has Michael get the minivan especially to accommodate his coterie.  He invites them to his house quite quickly.  Many Tzimisce never invite people to their houses, because they don’t want people touching their things or messing with them.  But of course Isaac invited them over: his hoarde needs to be in his house, so they each now have rooms he’s laid aside for them.  He logically knows that, as Kindred, he can’t just force them to stay with him (although he’d try it), so he needs them to want it.  He has to be an actual friend to them to get his hoarde to stick around. 

And that, interestingly, adds another layer to Rey’s betrayal in the finale.  Because not only is Isaac pissed that he almost sold them out to the Camarilla, but he is suddenly in danger of losing a part of his hoarde.  He may find Rey to be irritating almost constantly, but Rey is also his, and Rey wanting to leave them for the Camarilla?

Unacceptable.  Isaac immediately tries to convince Rey that the Camarilla would never take him, or even if they did, they’d never let him forget what he was.  And this isn’t even necessarily a lie.  Isaac is a master of using limited truths to get what he wants; he rarely outright lies, particularly to his coterie.  He simply deploys limited facts in the best configuration to get them to decide to play things his way.

And this is where we get to my second revelation, not outright stated, but more observed throughout the retrospective: Aabria and Alex made incredibly similar characters.  Isaac and Fuego are both both overtly and far more subtely manipulators.  They are both inherently social, both need people to function.  And they are both very territorial when it comes to getting and keeping the people they’ve chosen.

We’ve already talked about Isaac’s need for other people, but Fuego’s is all about how she was built.  Aabria explained that she was an exploration of soft power.  Aabria looked at how many people looked at the Ventrue as craving power and interpreted in a very patriarchal ‘I’m going to be the boss’ way, so she decided to explore ultra-femininity and subtle power.  She was a community organizer, bound to others and to the network of  a community since she was a child.  She gets her control through getting others to give her what she wants by convincing them it was their idea in the first place.  Fuego is built to be the power behind the throne, but that requires that another ass be seated in that chair.  So she needs people nearly as much as Isaac does, but because it’s less of a compulsion for her (leaving aside the revelations about Fuego and blood bonds, because THAT is a whole different discussion), she’s able to be more clear-headed about it. 

I loved learning how quickly Fuego clocked what Isaac was about and started feeding into it.  I took it for granted that Fuego’s lack of knowledge about Kindred society was genuine, but I now we know it at least in part was an act.  Certainly, she has genuine gaps in her understanding, but I she exaggerated her ignorance, because playing young and dumb is a great way to seem non-threatening, and to assess people around her without letting them know.

And knowing that, you can see her trying to figure Isaac out from the jump.  When he offers them a ride, despite her explicitly telling him she has a car, she immediately asks if she owes him something.  She phrases it like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, but Fuego clearly knows about boons.  She’s trying to figure out if he’s boon-fishing by this car-ride, and she’s trying to figure out how honest he’ll be if he thinks no one has any knowledge but him.

And in that scene a few important things happen.  Isaac explains Boons without using the word, but at least gives them a broad—and more importantly accurate—portrayal of what would and wouldn’t incur a boon.  He also makes clear that this is just on his way.  It’s practical.

And that gives Fuego a lot to chew on.  Isaac is trustworthy, at least to an extent.  But if he’s not after boons, he has to be after something else.  And then he offers them rooms at his place (despite both Rey and Fuego actually having really nice places of their own).  And then he keeps offering them accurate information, but no more than they ask for.  He keeps trying to lure them to stick around.

And she’s got him clocked, at least sort of: he wants them to be around him.  And more specifically, he wants they themselves, rather than anything they have or could bring him.  She figures out Isaac wants to be the guy with the knowledge first, and keeps on with the ignorant-baby-Kindred act.  I’m not sure if she’s also realized his far more base need to have them around him as often as possible, but she has to suspect something like it.  Even by their first big argument, her punishment for Isaac being an asshole about her murdering a security guard is to choose to walk home, to choose to not only refuse a ride from him, but to absent herself from his presence.

I seriously hope that season 3 does someday happen, because I desperately want to see how Isaac and Fuego’s relationship evolves.  I want Isaac to finally lose his cool and try to dominate his ‘friends’ into not leaving him.  I want Fuego to finally drop the ignorant act and let him know exactly what she knows and how long she’s known it.  I want them to be forced to lay their cards on the table, to get into a situation where they finally see one another without the masks. 

It’s hard to say how that would work out. 

They could fall apart.  They’re both so poisonous.  Isaac’s need to keep the coterie around is so extreme it’s forever threatening to spill over into dangerous and toxic territory.  Fuego has to be secretly in control and gets furious when she either loses power or is forced to confront how low down the totem-pole she really is.  They could so easily be oil and water once they finally see one another as they truly are and understand the depths to which each would sink for what they want.

Or they could get closer.  The level of respect that they might be able to develop if they ever saw eye to eye could make them a terrifyingly adept duo.  If game finally recognized game, and they both understood how well they played the exact same field, they might be able to get over their differences and find ways to work around their mutual issues of pride and control to be a power to rival anything in the Bronx.

Hell, even a four-way mutual blood bond seems entirely possible with the mess of ugly co-dependency and family issues swimming around the Minivanarchs.  Isaac explicitly wanted everyone blood bonded to him, because that was a way to get them them to want to stay with him without ever having to force the issue.  Fuego has complicated addiction-flavored relationships with blood bonds, and has a need for community.  Rey might bind himself to everyone either to protect them or as a way to get them to accept him again, if he decided to go that route.  And Serif is made of endless family issues, craving a true connection not poisoned the way her connection to Argus and her mother is.  And if anyone could make Isaac blood bond himself to the group, it would be a fully-informed Fuego knowing how much he needed them all to stick together.

It could be glorious.  It could be terrible.  It would probably be the prettiest trainwreck of four needy assholes needing one another to death you’d ever seen.  And I hope that someday I get to see how it plays out.

[captain-astors]

Hi, can you do 003 for Houji please? I know he's a side side charakter and I have a lot hc on my own,but I love reading thoughts about him (⁠◕⁠ᴗ⁠◕⁠✿⁠)

Houji!!

How I feel about this character: So all of the CCG characters suffered from this very particular issue when it comes to my perception of them, that being I did not care about them at all in the first part of Tokyo Ghoul so by the time :re rolled around, even when it came to the investigators we were already supposed to care about I’d have to run them through a process, racking my brain for the few memories I possessed of them, judging their current changes and personality, and then in a couple chapters it would all click and I’d be attached to them. Houji… never really got this chance. He was back, I started thinking, he was dead. Also I swear the copy of TG I read was missing a page even his death was so swift and only explained in retrospect I missed something right? It was so quick to move on. Anyways the point is I'm still learning and growing attached to this character, he's definitely interesting but it's now my job to seek him out rather than just interpret and mull over canon. "Houji is who the hell I am" is an absolutely legendary line though.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Tatara and Seidou, never been super invested but (rotates in my mind in pondering)

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: He isn't shown with many people so... theoretically eto taunting the guy dating her figurehead, or just Takizawa's desperate want to be praised by him even years after working together. Sorry for using it in the romantic and platonic category there really aren't many options.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Legitimately can't think of any... he's just kind of a guy to me. I don't like his hair?

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: More screen time, let him be fleshed out he seems interesting.

Favorite friendship for this character: Amon or Akira? They were friends right? Again not a lot to choose from that I can remember I'm just going to say Seidou again sorry.

My crossover ship: Zazie platonically because that's a mass consciousness existing as a nonbinary teen. Chaos creature could liven things

[synvamp]

HAPPY PLACE 8

“Love and other irritating crap that I don’t understand” - Qrow finally comes to the horrific realisation that he might be *in love* with Clover. Slow burn, flirting, banter... lovebirds at their angsty, sexy best. 

(Part One HERE)

Title: Healing

Fair Game – Part 8 / 10?

Rating: M

---xxx---

  The pillow hit Qrow in the side of the head. “Mffffff,” he said.

 “Come on, you have to get up or you’ll be late,” Clover’s voice. Clover’s scent. Ah, that’s right. Clover’s bed.

 “Urgh,” Qrow groaned from deep within his black soul, “I ha..”

 “Hate mornings, I know. Here,” Clover laughed lightly.

 Qrow blinked blearily and tried to focus. Finally he made out an incredibly muscled arm holding a mug of coffee. He sat up, pushed his hair back and took the offering.

 After a few sips, his brain fog started to lift. It was good coffee. “Wait you’re dressed? You got coffee? How long have you been up?”

 “I don’t know; hour and a half?” Clover shrugged, looking perfectly groomed and ready to take on the world.

 “Why didn’t you wake me?”

 “You were snoring.” “That is not a reason. Also, I do not snore,” Qrow pitched the pillow back at Clover’s head.

 He dodged effortlessly (stupid agile morning people) and stood up waving his scroll, “Well you won’t mind that I made you my ringtone then, will you?”

 Qrow scowled, “If I wasn’t naked…”

 “Ah, but you are! And I am not going to be late again, so drink up and I’ll see you later,” Clover leaned over and Qrow kind of froze. He didn’t even know why, they’d had sex quite a few times and Clover’s hands were often on his shoulder, around his waist… but this little gesture just caught him utterly unawares. Clover leaned down and just kissed his lips. Not a passionate kiss, just a little ‘I’m going to work, see you later love’, kind of kiss.

 Then he straightened up, flashed that seven thousand watt smile and flexed his ass out of the room.

 Qrow stared at the door for a long time, mind blank and heart doing something he couldn’t even recognise.

  ---xxx---

  “Hey, Uncle Qrow! We thought you weren’t going to make it!” Ruby enthused, running up to greet him as he slunk into the briefing room.

 “I overslept,” he reached out and tousled her hair.

 “You sleep?” Ren asked.

 “Har har, so what are we up to today?” Qrow asked, noting Clover was nowhere to be seen.

 “Team work!” Nora shouted.

 “O… kay?”

 “Clover’s given us all a day in the training room,” said Yang, “said we could polish up our hand to hand,” she grinned dangerously.

 “That so?” Qrow mused. It was true that they could learn to be more adaptable in combat. A brutal weapon was wonderful when you had it but he knew better than anyone that life didn’t always work out that way.

 Qrow teamed up with Yang (he didn’t want her to beat the crap out of anyone) and then put the others on rotation. Fifteen minutes with one sparring partner then change it up. Flexibility was an important part of being a combat specialist and as he watched Blake and Jaune out of the corner of his eye, Qrow decided Clover had a good head for teaching. It was just the right time to do this kind of thing, they were confident enough to be challenged, mature enough to learn from their mistakes.

 A metal hand ploughed into Qrow’s face, sending him cartwheeling across the floor. “Yes!” Yang pumped a fist into the air, “Take that!”

 Qrow sat rubbing his jaw, that prosthetic really packed a punch. Yang wandered over and offered him a hand which he swatted away, “I’m not dead yet,” he grumbled, standing.

 Yang leaned a little closer so that no one else could hear, “You need to stop daydreaming about a certain Ace Operative and pay attention.”

 Qrow didn’t even deny it, “I guess so. That was a good hit though, the way you moved inside my range… very smart kiddo,” he raised a hand to tousle her hair then thought better of it. He’d done that once when she was eight. Once.

 “So… how are things going?” Yang whispered conspiratorially, “Are you dating?”

 “I… things are good,” he smiled. “How about you?”

 “What about me!?” Yang said loudly.

 Qrow kept his voice level, “You ever going to tell the others about you and Blake?”

 Yang took a step back, “How did you…?”

 “I guess it takes one to know one,” Qrow laughed.

 “I… we’re waiting for the right time,” Yang looked away.

 Qrow nodded, it wasn’t like he was in a position to lecture on this one. “You do what works for you. It’s just nice to see you happy.”

 Yang smiled sheepishly, “You too.”

 “I am not happy! I’ve got a reputation to maintain here.”

 Yang laughed, “Well it’s good to see you enjoying the misery for once.”

 “Yeah, feels good too,” Qrow admitted, thinking of the way Clover’s arm wrapped around him when they slept.

 “Is that fifteen minutes?” Marrow called out, “My arm is going to drop off.”

 Qrow turned at the sound of Weiss’s lilting laughter. Seems like someone is finding Ice Queen Jnr. a bit of a challenge.

 “Alright, time’s up!” he called, “Hit the showers then lunch. I’ll meet you back here at two. Got it?”

 “Got it,” the students chorused.

 Qrow took his time wandering up to the mess hall. He let his fingers trail on the wall and thought about Clover’s touch, light but sure. So much of his time seemed to be dedicated to thinking about how Clover smelled these days. How his hands felt when they tripped down his body, lingering where he’d learned Qrow wanted them most.

 “Here you are,” Clover rounded the corner, “I’ve got a meeting at two so I thought maybe we could have lunch?”

 “I…” Qrow started. He was thinking about Yang and her ‘right time’. Was it the right time to be seen in a relationship? He didn’t want the kids to think that he wasn’t there for them. That he would ever leave them to go it alone after all they’d been through together… maybe he was over thinking. Yang just seemed happy to see him happy. Maybe it would be a relief for them to not have to worry about him being a moping sad sack any more. He felt bad for relying on them emotionally like he had. It wasn’t right to make kids carry adult sized burdens and despite everything they’d done… all they had achieved, they were still kids.

 Clover’s beautiful green eyes narrowed, “Or we could not.”

 “Uh…” What do I say? I want to be with him so much but… so much has happened and I just don’t know if I’m ready for this.

 “It’s fine,” Clover smiled easily, waving his concerns away, “I should sit with the Ops for once anyway, what did Weiss do to Marrow? He can barely hold a fork.”

 “He just needs to focus on his leg work.”

 “Ok, noted. Well… Just let me know when you’re ready.” And with that, Clover turned on his heel and sauntered that muscled ass away.

  ---xxx---

  When I’m ready.

 Qrow lay face down on the couch and groaned.

 When I’m ready.

 He means when I’m quite finished dicking him around and I know what I want. I’m sure that’s what he means…

 Qrow looked at the clock. Five past eight. He groaned a little louder.

 This is the longest night in the history of human kind. There’s some sort of time dilation happening. I refuse to believe that I’ve only been here twenty five minutes.

 He lifted up a couch cushion with one hand and pulled it firmly over his head.

 I could be there right now. I could be lying on his perfectly made bed completely naked with his hot tongue trailing up my thigh.

 Yay, he thought pressing his now very hard cock into the cushions, now I’ve made it worse.

 HOW FOR THE LOVE OF ASS CAN I STILL BE SEXUALLY FRUSTRATED?!

 Qrow let himself roll off the couch and onto the floor.

 He’s probably waiting for me right now…

But what is he really waiting for… he said…

 Qrow swallowed. He had to confront this eventually. Seemed like today was the day.

 He said that he was in love with me.

 He might have meant it, he might not, but he said it. And it’s time I figured out how I feel about this because if he loves me and I just hurt him… the thought of Clover upset did a funny thing to his chest. Tight. Tingly?

 Like something was crushing his heart.

 Come on. Admit it to yourself. You could be in love with him. How would you even know? It’s not like you have a string of positive relationship role models and a sparkling personal life to draw on. To him love had always been retrospective. The revelation of what you had lost in the very second that it was snatched from you.

 Do you want it to happen that way again? Do you want to wake up knowing that you’ve squandered yet another chance at happiness?

 He’d always pushed people away to protect them but… Clover didn’t need protecting. He was the first person in… near forever who made Qrow feel safe. Safe with others. Safe with himself. Like he wasn’t a curse or a burden or a jinx…

 But how do you even say these things? Oh Gods I know just how it would play out.

Qrow: *knocks on door*

 Clover: *opens the door, is shirtless for some stupid sexual frustration reason*

 Qrow: *stands gaping for an inordinate amount of time*

 Clover: Are you having a stroke?

 Qrow: *squeaks*

 Clover: So I’m just going to leave the door open, in case at some point you feel you can move your legs.

 Qrow: ILOVEYOU!IHAVETOGO! *runs*

 Clover: Ok. What an excellent choice I have made picking Qrow out of all the gorgeous fuck boys who clamour after my sleeveless GodBod. Really turning out great for me.

 Qrow turned over on the floor and pushed his face into the cushion again. This is so fucking stupid.

 Clover would know what to do. He was great at all this touchy feely stuff…

 But I’ve pushed him away.

NO. Qrow sat up suddenly and hit the back of his head on the coffee table.

 “AH, FUCK,” he exclaimed rubbing the significant bump that was growing beneath his fingers.

 That’s it. I’m not going to waste my life lying on the floor with a boner.

I am going to go and see Clover and I’m going to tell him how I feel.

If I can figure out how I feel on the way.

 He put on his shoes and glanced at the clock as he walked out the door. Thirteen minutes past eight.

 REALLY!?

  ---xxx---

Part Nine

[iamnotawomanimagod]

2019 Retrospective Survey

Once upon a time, in the wayback ancient days of yesteryear, aka 2006 or so, people would fill out little self-important surveys about themselves almost every night on Myspace. These surveys were then posted to your profile via a “bulletin” and could be perused by your friends at their leisure. 

Eventually, this phenomena evolved into what we now know as “ask games” - people taking these surveys and, instead of just filling them out, reblogging them in the hopes that their followers might grow curious enough to send in some numbers.

Well, to that evolution of this tradition, I say - pah! I’ll answer all these questions and you’ll like it!!

Or you’ll skip it, which is probably the reasonable thing to do. This is mostly for me, so I have some vague record of this year to look back on, which I’ve been bad about the past several years.

1. First things first, did you have a good year?

It’s kind of tough for me to discern what is good and bad, anymore, especially when it comes to my life experiences. Things kind of just “are.” I think I had a pretty good year overall, though, if I step back and look at it, and ignore my mental health and those other niggling little details.

2. How old did you turn this year?

Twenty-eight. Getting up there. I’ve been doing some version of these surveys since I was like, fourteen. That’s fourteen years of random, unnecessary internet void-shouting.

3. Do you feel your age?

Not really. When I was younger, I definitely thought 28-year-olds always had their shit together, automatically, just because of the age. Like it feels like an age where I really should’ve outgrown a lot of things. But I haven’t yet, not at all, and I have zero interest in conventional adulthood.

Did your appearance change in anyway?

I got new glasses, because I lost my old ones in Hawaii.

Post your favorite selfie.

I rarely like selfies where I smile, so even though this one is clearly some goofy cheesin’, I still consider it kinda special.

If you traveled, where did you go?

I went to a place called Monroe, in Utah, which has some amazing hot springs. Slept overnight in a converted hippie bus. It was freezing (if you weren’t in the springs), but really fun!

I also went to Maui, Hawai’i. It was beautiful and I do see why people love it there, but it was very much so not for me. Also flying while fat fucking suuuuucks aaaaass, hugely.

Which fashion trends did you love?

Eye makeup got really fun and weird this year - I love the new shapes and crazy colors.

Here’s a decent example on Halsey. The way her top lid has a line above the lid and under the brow - I’ve never seen that before this year. Really fun and new kinda twist on makeup.

Which fashion trends did you hate?

Chunky dad shoes, the popularity of Crocs (and I fucking love Crocs, don’t get me wrong,) and other seemingly-ironic “comfortable chic” styles. It’s super cute on most skinny girls but the moment a fat girl tries to rock that style, it’s “sloppy” or “lazy.” On the other hand, it was good to see some women reject more revealing or extravagant styles in favor of being comfortable. It’s just tough for a fat woman like me to pull off.

What was your favorite article of clothing this year? Post a pic if possible?

I pretty much lived in black sweatpants and baggy t-shirts this year.

What song sums up this year for you?

“I Think I’m OKAY” by Machine Gun Kelly feat. Yungblud

What album came out and has been on heavy rotation since then?

I listened to a ton of “thank u, next” and “when we all fall asleep, where do we go?” this past year.

What was your favorite movie of the year?

I haven’t seen any movies from 2019 yet. I watched one film this year: “Slow West” - it was pretty good!

Did an actor/actress catch your attention for the first time this year?

The entire casts of Legacies and Runaways.

Favorite new TV show?

Probably Legacies! Really surprised me, but it’s a fun show!

Which new ship/fandom has taken over a lot of your time, attention, and tears?

Cheleanor stole my heart this year, from The Good Place. I, of course, spent way too much time thinking and talking about The 100. Gotta give another shoutout to Legacies and Runaways. Special nod to #deanoru and #hosie, respectively.

What food did you try for the first time?

I tried dragonfruit and papaya for the first time while in Hawai’i. It was also the first time I’d ever tried and enjoyed mango. All the other mango I’d had was never sweet enough and always reminded me a lil bit of cat pee, but a fresh tropical mango is fuckin’ heaven.

Did you make any big permanent changes this year?

Not really “permanent”, but semi-permanent - I moved out of one place and into a new one. We definitely won’t be here forever, though. Maybe a year or two.

What was one nice thing you did for someone else?

I do a lot of little nice things for my husband every day, it’s kinda tough to list them all.

What was one nice thing you did for yourself?

I reached out to an old friend that I had been fighting with and made amends, and we’re friends again.

Did you develop a new obsession?

I always move from TV show to TV show obsessively - lots have already been mentioned. I think I got more into The Try Guys this past year than I have before. I also played a lot more management sims than I ever expected to - games like Dead in Vinland, Banished, Frostpunk, Weedcraft Inc, and This War of Mine.

Did you vote?

Shoulda - didn’t.

Did you move?

Yup! Moved out of my old roommate’s house and into my own apartment.

Did you get a job?

In a sense - I drive for DoorDash. It’s definitely work, but not a conventional job.

Did you get a pet?

No. :( In fact, I kinda lost some - I loved the shit out of my roommate’s dogs, I got way too attached to them. I miss them too much.

Do you regret not doing anything?

Not really.

Do you regret doing something?

Yeah, I let a friend down in July. Wish I hadn’t done that, but. I’m not a very good friend to have, and I’m okay with that. The people who get it stick around through the tough stuff.

Have you done anything that scared you?

I always think it’s a little scary to get on a plane. That’s probably it.

Did anyone/thing make you so mad it stayed with you for days?

God, yes. Too many things. Still angry at my old roommate for being such an asshole about cleaning and for threatening to kick us out. That’s the one that happened this year, lol. But I’m still angry about things that happened years ago. I can hold a hell of a grudge.

Did you lose anyone close to you?

Not this year. Got lucky. Guess the universe decided to give me a little break.

Did you fall in love?

Nah, but I stayed in love with a coupla people. ;)

Did you fall out of love?

Nope!

Did you start a new relationship?

Nah. My husband and I have been together for 8 years.

Did you go through a break up?

See above!

Did you have to cut ties to someone?

Kinda. Had one or two people who wanted to be my friend. Made the mistake of being approachable and shit. But they figured out I’m a flakey asshole soon enough. :)

Who was important to you this year but wasn’t important last year?

I made amends with my friend, Tracie, this year. She was always important to me. But I was pretending that she wasn’t, last year.

Who wasn’t as important to you this year as they were last year?

I can’t really think of anyone. I guess my husband’s best friend - she moved out of our old house first, and I stopped talking to her as often. Prior to that we’d been pretty close. Proximity-based closeness is a trip, y’all.

If you could have a do over on one thing you did, would you take it?

Nah. I made it through. That’s all that counts.

What was the best moment of the year for you?

Seeing my friend get married. It was a really, really lovely ceremony.

What was the worst?

Probably when I tried out a new form of self-harm - aka banging my head as hard as possible against the bathroom sink. Gave myself a mild concussion. 0/5 would not recommend.

Did anything happen that you were sure would change you as a person but it really didn’t?

Going to Hawai’i. I don’t know why I thought it would change me - it just seems like one of those “life-changing” destinations, y’know? But it wasn’t. It was beautiful and otherworldly, and also full of a weird and uncomfortable mixture of white wealth and brown poverty. If anything, that only affirmed my beliefs more.

Did anything happen to you that you were sure wouldn’t change you as a person but it did?

It’s tough to answer these sometimes, because I just don’t really know who I am “as a person.” I don’t think there was anything I didn’t expect. Not this year.

What are you most proud of accomplishing?

I got out and worked a lot. I pushed through some really tough times and experienced some nice things on the other side. I was able to care for my husband during his down moments, the way he’s cared for me. I fuckin’ survived, which is always an accomplishment for someone whose brain is frequently shouting at them to end it all.

What have you learned about yourself this year that you didn’t know in the years prior?

I’m more resilient emotionally than I thought I was. I’m less resilient physically than I used to be.

Did your opinion of anyone change for the better?

I feel warmer and closer to my mother-in-law than ever before.

Did your opinion of anyone change for worse?

My sister continues to find new ways to disappoint me, but that isn’t exclusive to 2019. My former roommate went from being, in my mind, a mostly-okay guy, to potentially one of the worst people I’ve ever met. And that’s really saying something. Duplicity and lack of awareness go a long way in making someone shitty, though.

If you make resolutions, did you complete them this year?

Nah, pahaha. I was supposed to go outside and also journal every day. Didn’t do that. I mostly kept up with it, but there are a lot of gaps. I definitely spent a week or two consecutively indoors, at least twice.

If you make resolutions, what will your resolutions be for the coming year?

Probably gonna keep trying with the old ones, tbh.

If you could go on an adventure during the remaining days of the year, where would you go and what would you do?

I would go pick up Cami and head north, for Alaska. Find someone beautiful and peaceful to see the aurora borealis. Drink cream liqueur and hot cocoa with scarves and hats and gloves on. Look up at the endless stars. Have a long, sleepless road trip back, screaming our favorite songs at the top of our lungs, stopping at interesting places when we can.

What do you wish for others for the coming year?

I just hope things get better, dude. Stabler. Less scary.

What do you wish for yourself?

Same as the above, but on a micro scale. I’m heading into my 30s in this next decade. I gotta find something else to do besides just surviving.

[lsmithart]

** Research: Points of Trauma by Oliver Guy-Watkins

This is a book of an essay that I came across a while ago which theorises ideas about trauma in relation to contemporary artists. The short book discusses many artists who I have explored and returned to over the course of my practice and provided helpful insight into these artists from a similar perspective to my own. After reading and reflecting on the text, I began thinking about trauma and how it exists within the body. It became evident from the text that what all of the artists explored have in common is the need to divulge the internal into the external, material realm. Sometimes this is in response to collective trauma seen, processed and then regurgitated; whilst others use their art practice to process and release their own traumatic experiences. Both concepts felt very relevant to me as my work often explores very personal histories. At the same time, I am also an empath which means I often absorb external traumas; causing them to become enmeshed in my experience of the world. 

When researching trauma as an entity that attaches itself to the inner tissues of the body, it is described by ‘Integrated Physical Therapy and Wellness Miami’ that ‘pain and trauma are incidents prevented from being completed’. 

Specifically, ‘traumas can be considered anything that keep us locked in a physical, emotional, behavioral or mental habit. Recovery from trauma is the process of the body finding balance and freeing itself from constraints. All too often, the recovery process is halted, preventing the traumatic occurrence from completing.’

‘The energy of the trauma is stored in our bodies’ tissues (primarily muscles and fascia) until it can be released. This stored trauma typically leads to pain and progressively erodes a body’s health. Whenever we store trauma in our tissue, our brain disconnects from that part of the body to block the experience, preventing the recall of the traumatic memory. Any area of our body that our brain is disconnected from won’t be able stay healthy or heal itself. The predictable effect of stored trauma is degeneration and disease.’

Three things are necessary for the body to release stored trauma: 1. The inner resources to handle the experience that were not in place when the experience originally occurred. 2. Space for the traumatic energy to go when released. Being full of tension and stress does not allow space for the stored trauma to move into. 3. Reconnection of the brain with the area of the body where the trauma is stored.

It is apparent from the consideration of trauma within art practice divulged by many artists that it can act a tool for creating a resource for processing. Therefore materiality through the form of making and channeling can act as a release and ‘regurgitation’ for such stuck trauma to make its way into the realm of objects. It is therefore my view from experience that these expels of the inner body can latch themselves to an material or external object within the capacity at the time of processing. Often through the means of art making this means a new sculptural or material form, but also existing objects that can be repurposed as commodities of new narrative. This is a notion I am exploring in depth within my dissertation.

Key notes from the text:

Page 9:

In his essay ‘Forgetting Things’, Freud discusses how a person’s mind will block locations, people and events that are links to traumatic experiences. E.g. you may block out the location of a shop as someone you fell out with lives nearby. Artist’s work can act similarly - the creation of work can replicate the function of the mind by compartmentalising trauma. Instead of locking it away to be forgotten it chews it up into pieces and presents it as a new entity - released from the individual artist.

Page 17 & 18:

Briony Campbell used photography to say goodbye to her father in ‘The Dad Project’. She uses subtle photographs, in conjunction with simple and delicate captions to guide us through her journey. E.g. the first photo in the series is a shot of a building engulfed by the rays of the setting sun, with the caption ‘the sunlight supported me this year’. The sun as healing power. Campbell found a way to keep the memory of her father alive, as well as to overcome her own grief.

Louise Bourgeois - used symbols and prompts from past memories in her later work. E.g. she recalled a memory of how her father created a model of her from a tangerine skin and made disparaging remarks as a phallus emerged from inside. Years later she posed with a phallus of her own making for Robert Mappelthorpe.

Bourgeois often stated that to be an artist was a guarantee to your fellow humans that life’s harsh reality would not make you a murderer. Her statement echoes an underlying truth that art can channel the emotions of its makers and offer them some form of release from captivity.

Page 24-28:

When the public’s desire for backstory and gossip is coupled with the artist desire to create we find an area in which stories are told regardless of intent. The Polish filmmaker, Krzystztof Keilowski, said that his life and its influences should always be present in his work but that the viewer should never be able to notice it.

Louise Bourgeois did not reveal her history until her husband's death, whereupon she gained a level of notoriety that revolved around her life story her critical appreciation began when the viewer was told what to think. Similarly, Tracey Emin has always confronted her personal history directly in the public eye through her practice. In her work everyone I have ever slept with Emin’s story was there in the title the work and even the exhibition guide. Her collaboration with Bourgeois again highlights Emin’s desire of the story.

In discussing not becoming a mother, Emin has stated that she sees her paintings as her children, and describes the feeling of failure that engulfed her as being sued by seeing her work exhibited. By telling you who they are and why they came, do the artists open doors for further interpretation, or do they close them? If an artist can drive a viewer to a specific thought pattern, then there is a greater chance of success in achieving transferences of an exact attitude.

Page 47:

“Up until this point I had undertaken a largely relational practice, asking others to contribute their words to my work. I thought it more important to portray their emotions than mine in order to connect. Yet, as a backbone to each project I used my own backstory. My own struggles. As if I was afraid to confront myself directly. As if my own identity was easier to find in the words of others. Maybe I just didn’t want to feel like I had been alone. Maybe I just wanted validity.”

Page 50:

Wolfgang Tillmans is a massive installation at the Tate modern as part of his 2017 retrospective featured a number of projected screens displaying extracts of his video work, whilst a constructed soundtrack played and white spotlights rotated across the bare concrete. Occasionally blinded by light, or overpowered by music, your eyes and ears remain active, searching the darkness for the next movement, waiting for a video to begin and wondering which screen it may appear on. In between the films, in the time you wait and as your eyes adjust to the light, you search the actions of others. You wonder which anxiety or fear stop them from becoming a must, and even what the initial cause of that feeling was. Tilmans creates a space where we are drawn into a natural instinct of voyeurism, a characteristic of his work as a whole. - A thinking point for my 303 installation idea.

Page 56:

Freud continued on to say in his essay that painful memories are easily hidden for good reasons. It seems to me that there is an obvious similarities within the practice of certain artists to vary their own personal traumas within the work they create. Where the conversation dilutes is the point at which an artist confronts trauma on a collective scale. An artists job is to conceal the trauma in such a way that it is revealed to the viewer.

References:

Guy-Watkins, O., (2017). Points Of Trauma: A Consideration of the Influence Personal and Collective Trauma Has on Contemporary Art. Ruysdael Press. Available at https://play.google.com/store/books/details?id=-6TcswEACAAJ. IPT Miami, (no date). Learning How to Unlock Tissue Memory. [Online]. Available at https://www.iptmiami.com/news/Learning_How_to_Unlock_Tissue_Memory. [Accessed on 30/01/2021]

[stevedonnellyfaith-blog]

My Breakfast With Jim (Post 76) 2-18-15

                        My trip to Ohio included a breakfast to renew the oldest and in many ways my best friendship with my elder brother Jim.  I am close to all my siblings and have shared different experiences with each of them.  With Jim I shared childhood, three years at boarding school north of Boston and another two years at USNA.  Through the ups and downs of life it is helpful to have someone to compare notes with especially in times when you are considering a course change.  In a family of late sleepers, breakfast was a convenient time to arrange for some individual instruction from a trusted adviser who knows me inside and out.

We have drifted away from each other for some periods over the years but our waitress left us plenty of time for catch-up as we were largely ignored in the Bob Evans restaurant that was an unexpectedly popular choice for breakfast on a snowy Sunday morning in Streetsboro, Ohio.   Our conversation ranged far and wide from my job search to family dynamics and updates on each one of our several children; we have four apiece.  While all lives are dissimilar in many respects, my brother’s and my professional and family lives are remarkably similar, enough so to be helpfully comparable.  His version may be an oil painting on ta sketch related to the one on which I have brushed watercolors.  It has been over the thirty years since we spent last spent daily time knocking pucks around Annapolis, Andover and Cleveland rinks in the late eighties.  While he has continued to wear the uniform of our country, my military service ended years ago.  Still, talking with Jim allows me to enter a comfortable space that is only available through the door of true friendship.  Our comfort and trust allowed us to discuss life’s difficulties in an open manner that is available only among natural or spiritual brothers and sisters.

I relayed to him incidents which I now understand to be consolations and desolations, but for many secular years I referred to as successes and failures.  In those days I rode the roller-coaster up in exhilaration and anticipation.  Inevitably, later, my plexi-bodied car of life plunged downward into periods of fear and disappointment.  The tide of my career came in and ebbed out.  I aggravated my bosses, or my bosses aggravated me, leading to a job searches aimed at procuring a higher salary, more responsibility and an increasing stack of materialistic poker chips by which I measured my progress in life … until Pam’s illness changed my calculus.  Now my value equations factor in the progress of my soul, development of my children, and impacts upon our family relationships.  At first, naively, I expected that navigating by this new more Christian compass would ensure that my journey forward would proceed in tranquility.   Nicholas’ and Stephen’s illnesses have dispersed the fairy dust from my expectations. Reading scripture is helpful in cultivating a realistic attitude that Christian life will include some choppy water and even, occasionally, heavy rolling waves.  What Gospel sailing never lacks, though, is a dependable beam from the lighthouse of the Holy Spirit and scriptural GPS to guide us to right decisions.

It was particularly helpful for me to hear about the tribulations of Jim’s son Jack as he seeks to follow his father and me in attending college at the Naval Academy. He is a great candidate and should have been accepted long ago, but his application is on hold due to an annoyingly trivial medical issue that has been resolved by all true measures, but not on the imperialistic and bureaucratic tallies of the Uncle Sam.  The nail-biting wait is truly maddening when examined with a secular slide-rule, but there is the rub.  God’s will is the most important factor in all Christian quadratic solutions.  Delays and denial may frustrate us, but if we live our lives in a way that is submissive to God’s will, set-backs are merely His guidance and teaching to improve our souls in preparation for our ultimate life with Him.

I remember the impatient and frenzied aggravation that I would experience when an obvious professional path forward for me was temporarily or permanently blocked.  Couldn’t God see that I could help such-and-such company with their quality and productivity?  The position was made for me.  Why had the potential employer rejected me?  I would sulk.  But then an unexpected good would replace my frustrated ambition and retrospectively everything would make sense.  I could see the flaws in my original plan in the rear-view mirror and how ingeniously God’s plan maximized the happiness of my life going forward.  For instance, I resisted moving to California up until the eleventh hour, but in the end was brought to Brentwood to live in the near vicinity of the best facility to operate on brain tumors in the world.  Pam’s life was extended and the pain of her passing was lessened by our submission in allowing God to bring our family to the West Coast.

God observes our lives from a high vantage point in His omniscient lighthouse outside of time. He corrects our course by commands to the helm and lee helm that can send us to the rails to cough our cookies and complain … until we spy the avoided shoal water or squall.  Good Christians submit to His will, but some others prefer to plot their own track through life.  God allows those people to reject His plan; to deny their choice would be to negate the merit of our choosing to follow Him.  A path rejecting God can lead to great worldly success and the amassing of hordes of desirable material possessions, but that well-worn trail leads ultimately to temporal pleasure not to lasting happiness.  God is saddened by the rejecters, who hurt themselves and others. His plan for us intends salvation for all, but some prefer the thrill of gambling to the happy return on a lifelong investment in love.

The course chosen through Christian discernment is often as frustratingly slow as proceeding up a narrow channel in fog. Plenty of prayer is required along with repeated graspings and turnings of doorknobs to see which portals are open and which ones are locked.  In my case, for instance, the handle to the door into the Deaconate appears currently barred tight.  Rather than fume darkly, yank repeatedly and yell impotently, I will seek a handle that yields.   Maybe someday, years from now, I will discover a sign on the Deaconate door that says “push.”  For Nicholas, his cancer will prevent him from pursuing naval service at least for the next five years.  He could gripe about eventualities and stew in his disappointment, but instead, he will move forward using his God given talents to serve the public good in a civilian capacity.

In the past, for long periods, no knob would rotate in my hand at all.  I would worry and pray desperately for my deliverance from whatever mess I had created at the time.  Seemingly there was no relief.  My impatience drove me beyond consternation as I itched to move forward in any possible direction.  For what seemed like an eternity, as my guide, working from above in a vantage point much superior to mine, thwarted each instinctual effort to extricate myself out of the latest quagmire.  I was forced to remain stationary and cool it while the fruit ripened, until I uttered the necessary words of forgiveness, finally learned the essential lesson or in humility performed the required service needed by some other innocent person, thus proving that it wasn’t all actually about me anyway.

It is with this hope that I sat sipping ice tea and eating an omelet with my brother, discussing resumes and hiring particulars for government work.  Maybe I will be allowed now to muscle the baton upward and pry the sixth and last dog loose on the door to my future.  Maybe I will be able concoct a living arrangement that meets the needs of my oldest son and youngest daughter, a solution that also serves the interests of the two goodhearted young adults sandwiched in between.  The answer eludes my befuddled calculating skills as if I had skipped my homework and failed to adequately prepare for this important exam, which by my calendar years might be a midterm.

I remain convinced despite all the turmoil on this second anniversary of my wife’s passing that change will come.  She is positioned in an opportune place to intercede for me and has a strong interest in the well-being of her earthly children.  I know she loves me; I know Jesus loves me.  I expect change will materialize in one sort or another, in His time not mine.

[lindentreeisle]

Trawling my files

So last night for that silly meme about reading the classics for school, it occurred to me that I kept a pile of my old schoolwork: I’ve basically been saving any piece of my writing I could keep my hands on since I was in fourth grade.  (I have a fascinating in-class short story I wrote about squirrels taking over the world during a heavy snowfall.  I don’t mean metaphorically, I mean they plotted in their underground hideout until their plans came to fruition.)  It’s all in folders which are roughly in chronological order, along with all the notebooks I kept where I used to doodle and write fanfic scenes during class.  I remembered the other day, I was telling @deadlyflan about my first such notebook, which I named the Bloody Raving Psychotic Book because it mostly consisted of stream of consciousness ranting.  I still rant a lot, but now it has sources, and logic, and a basis in reality.  This notebook...does not have those things.  So anyway, I started laughing, and then I started taking pictures and texting them to @deadlyflan and @riceflavor, and because my brain hasn’t yet warmed up to work this morning I thought I’d share some of this nonsense.

First, from the high school assignments folder, here is my final (in-class) exam from Humanities.  Humanities was a class for liberal arts nerds that studied a combination of philosophy, poetry, literature, and for some reason, architecture.  (I remember when I found out about the architecture, staying after class to explain to the teacher that when she showed architectural slides, I knew from previous experience that I would fall asleep.  I just thought it was polite to warn her in advance and explain that it was not deliberate, I just have architecture-induced narcolepsy.  I guess she didn’t take it personally because she later introduced me to Tom Lehrer’s records.)  Anyway, the exam required that we demonstrate our understanding of the class material by constructing a symposium selecting ten different characters from a list of authors and philosophers we had studied and focused on a philosophical question.  I chose to have my cast debate what it means to be human, and I included both Jesus and Martin Luther because I thought that would be fuckin funny.  After all the characters had postulated and debated their positions, I didn’t know how to end it so I had Nietzche and Martin Luther get in a fistfight, as you do.

Anyway, the Bloody Raving Psychotic Book, which was my first personal notebook in high school (there would be many more) had a bunch of fanfic scenes (I pretty much wrote different kidnapping/capture scenes over and over, which made a lot more sense when I learned about kink and sexual power dynamics in my 20s), a lot of terrible drawings, a good smattering of nonsense like repeating words and rhymes and different styles of handwriting, and a LOT of really stupid opinions.

Here we see a combination of my love for writing songs parodies and lyrics, combined with my emergent political sensibilities.  Apparently I already knew at 14 that capitalism was bullshit and America had done a lot of fucking up and pissed a lot of people off.  I was pretty much right about that, but at that point I wasn’t any good at articulating why.

And here I am explaining why art is more valid as a human enterprise than entertainment media, because entertainment was created to make money and art was not.  I was a real special little asshole, apparently.  I sound like the comments section on a Youtube video.

Here are some lovely drawings of deformed horsies.  (@deadlyflan called them “geometronies,” which may be my new favorite word.)

Here’s some kind of...monster thing.  Apparently it’s called Krasokth, and above the transcription of maniacal laughter is a block of text that appears to be an exhortation for him to destroy mankind.  Okay then.  (The purple text visible above is part of a list of ways to die.)

In retrospect, it probably should have been clear that I needed therapy a lot sooner than I actually got any.  (This was pre-Columbine, mind you.  If I pulled this kind of shit today I’d probably be expelled and then go to jail.)

Finally, here is a brochure I made for my information technologies class.  This was a mandatory course that split us into groups and rotated each group through different modules.  One of them was...I’m not even sure what we were supposed to be learning.  Graphic design, I guess?  But they didn’t actually TEACH us anything, they just turned us loose with a scanner and some primitive software and told us to “make a thing.”

I still think the concept of selling tickets to the apocalypse is funny (although troubling in that it showcased my lingering obsession with cold war psychology and nuclear annihilation).  But as an exercise in graphic design, this brochure is Not Okay.  @deadlyflan suggested that whatever adult was ostensibly supervising this abomination should be shot without trial.  Which I pointed out was probably a bit harsh, given that this was 1995 and we clearly had all the qualifications necessary to become professional web designers.

Aside from layout, image alignment, and font use, the things that no one bothered to explain to us included: how to source stock images, the ethical problems of just stealing pictures you like out of books, and lawsuit risk reduction.

Anyway, I hope some of that was as entertaining for you as it was for me.

[everydaymamaof3]

What makes them tick...

I’ve wanted to blog about my parenting journey through this pandemic for quite some time now.. but I just didn’t have the right amount of words and motivation. Not until now.

So back when this all started, back in March 2020, we were kind of in a state of shock. I remember the exact same feelings inside my body, as what I had when we were forced out of our homes during the wildfires in 2017. No appetite. Confused. Adrenaline. Moody.

And because this lasted so long, I went through a wheel of emotions over time. The wheel would be on a pretty predictable rotation. So once I got the hang of it, a year and a half later, I’m managing it a lot better.

But I never thought about what true emotions the girls were having. People just kept saying, kids are resilient. Kids are fine. Get kids back in school. Kids will be fine if you’re fine. Well how in the actual fuck was anyone fine through this? No other way to ask that question.

Of course we all had moments of fine. But it was trying on us, on levels we can’t describe. What did that do to these young people?

Well we got to witness it first hand with our youngest. It started with an out of her control, bad vibe in the universe. A negative comment. And festered into full blown fear. Would she have experienced this the same way if we weren’t in a pandemic? No. I don’t think so. The problem was, so many of these sensitive to others emotions, kids, were in hyper absorb mode due to what was happening in the world. They were drowning in energy they couldn’t keep up with. Making them hypersensitive to their environment.

She was confident. Fearless. Hilarious. Marched to the beat of her own drum. Which is finally coming back. But I felt like such a failure. Like why is my kid experiencing this? But as time went on, I realized it was an even bigger event than the pandemic. Many parents just didn’t openly talk about like I do. Or they just don’t want to admit it, which is fine. It’s their journey not ours.

Her and I are intertwined in emotions. Being the baby, and the last one syndrome from me, makes that grip just a little bit tighter. It absolutely does not mean I love any of my girls differently. I love them all with 3 parts of my heart. An equal space for each of them. But the characteristics and personality of the youngest and me are in sync. Vs my older girls who are more their fathers daughters, personality wise 💕 But still parts of me and I hold them all equally close.

We are seeing the light and they’re all amazing and thriving and navigating this. My oldest, working in the thick of it as an RN, as a soon to be wife, maybe mother soon, finding her magic as a young adult woman. My middle trying to navigate pre teen, puberty, new emotional development, the pull between friends and family time, balance, me craving just a little bit more of that sweet time we have left where she’s still young...pestering her to choose us over her peers and her own time, which I realize is incredibly selfish...and the littlest learning to tackle her emotions, and that shift where independence becomes crucial, but the crave to still be little is still present. Not fully understanding the world, still needing that canopy of protection above. But also that parachute to jump!

I am not a helicopter mom. I am the farthest from it. But this time in the world brought some helicopter characteristics out in me and I’m kinda pissed about it. I was really quite ashamed of myself a few times, being overprotective, frustrated with other children or their parents, for being mean to mine, which is NORMAL, and any mother who says she’s never done that can add liar to her resume, although I do know it was just feeling sad for my own kid, and sometimes when we feel inadequate or like we’re doing something different than another parent, our reaction isn’t always the right one. I’m a teacher to little humans. I know better, and quite often forget that kids act out of jealousy, just because, peer pressure, or because they developmentally lack that part of the brain that sends the signal of logic. My girls aren’t perfect. And sometimes were probably the cause of battles, but god forbid most mothers admit that to the full extent. We always have a “but”. Ahhh motherhood...

I had an aha moment the other day, prompting the desire to write. I was watching this documentary about the human body. About the different systems. How they function, what makes them tick. And they did this one episode on the nervous system and how to have it operating at its full potential.

It made me stop and think. What are we doing?

I loathe the whole “keeping up with the Jones’s” way of life. Hate it with all of my being. I was not raised that way. My girls are not, and will not be raised that way, because it creates entitlement. Arrogance. Selfishness. As well as the desire to always want what others have. Who wants to live like that?

My mom shopped at bargain stores. The clearance rack, not because we couldn’t afford it, but because she was smart and realized how quickly we outgrew things. I hated it, but now as a mom fully understand it. Expensive stuff was for special occasions. I had unique style, but it was who I was. To the point I had a clock face purse in grade 8, that everyone made fun of me for, but I could’ve cared less. I still remember that purse. I remember how excited I was when she bought it for me at Mariposa.. remember that store. My oldest was raised the same.. no I’m sorry, I’m not gonna put myself in debt to buy you $300 jeans. Just not happening when a $50 pair looks exactly the same. The girls have never once asked for something because someone else has it. Actually that’s a lie, maybe after seeing a toy or something they’ve asked, but it’s only been one time, and never heard about again, kind of request.

I want them to be individual people. I want to know what makes them tick. What brings out their potential?

Our middle daughter came home with a career paper that she wrote recently. She’s an incredible writer. She keeps pages of stories and music in her room, that I never thought twice about. Just thought, “oh yeah, she’s like me, likes to write like I did when I was a kid”. We’re helping fuel her passion for baking and creating cakes... but then I read this.. she has another passion too.

Then while thinking about them, I thought why do we always compare our kids to us? We want them to be little versions of us. But the thing is, they’re not.

After reading her paper, I sat and thought. Our youngest is moved by music. She dances non stop. She dances out the door in the morning, she sings constantly and moves. She dances in my room, in her room, always wants music around her and it’s what makes her tick.

So I said to my husband, I want a recording studio room for one and a dance studio area for the other. And we are making that happen. We’ll start gathering a few recording equipment pieces and set up a space for one. And my dad will come and work his retired papa magic in our basement that is honestly just full of stuff, to create a dance space. It’s simple. It’s doable. It could be the key to unlock potential we aren’t aware of yet. They show us little bits and pieces of what makes them tick...and quite often we miss it, because we are busy doing life... I wanna embrace that. I did a bit with my oldest, however in retrospect I so badly wish I did more. She wanted to be a marine biologist, after several trips to the Aquarium. Her eyes would light up, she talked about it non stop, it was that “thing” that she dreamed about. And ya never know, maybe one day she’ll walk that path. She did get into the medical field, and is close to home so I guess I shouldn’t complain.

I hate the pandemic for bringing out the worst in people. For creating a level of hypocrisy in humans that I hope we can recover from. For the confusion. For the divide. For the fear. For the frustration. But I love the pandemic for making me have thoughts I maybe wouldn’t have had. For giving me moments to think and to watch, and be more aware of mine and my girls emotions and dreams. For making me aware of other people’s behaviour and lack of practicing what they preach. For opening my eyes more. But feeling empathetic and understanding of most, because I too have been riding the same roller coaster.

I love the pandemic for making me the mom I am in this moment. For helping me raise strong, kind and driven young ladies who will live their life with purpose. That’s all I want.

We’re gonna go through a lot of stuff over the next chapter of their lives, as raising teenage girls is my next roller coaster ride, but as crazy as it sounds, I’m grateful for this test the past year and a half. I feel like in a way, I grew. In the most important, emotional ways as a mom. Ways that have made me more “observer”, than “knower”. If that’s even a word.

[maxslogic25]

Life After A/B Ad Testing: A Retrospective

Last August, Google switched up the options for ad rotation settings. We all saw it. And we all, for the most part, adjusted the settings to suit our needs, (I say “for the most part” as I to this day onboard clients with the unsupported “Optimize for Conversions” selected). Mary wrote a great piece, The End of 2 Ads Per Ad Groups. Google said, “This is changing!”. We said, “Okay!” and moved on.

In this post, I’d like to explore how that seemingly small change impacted the way I think, not only about ad copy, but about how I approach making changes in my accounts. I will explore:

Why manual A/B tests are flawed

Why I gave up trying to write “perfect” copy

How writing more ads has freed up my time

A/B? C-ya later!

I know I have talked about it before: I am a process junky. I love symmetry. And straight lines. And clean tests. Everything has a place and an edge. The problem is PPC is not a place where clean, defined lines exist. PPC is messy. Everything touches everything. The peas are in the mashed potatoes and there isn’t a darn thing you can do about it. When I started in PPC nearly 5 years ago, our A/B ad testing process was a gem! We had a guideline for how to run a test and we stuck to it and we made definitive statements:

“This worked!”

“This didn’t work!”

“Your consumer likes ‘Buy’ instead of ‘Shop’!

“Interesting. In ad group A, your audience preferred ads with proper case. In ad group B, your audience clicked on ads with sentence case almost 3x as often.”

“I will change that period to an exclamation point and see what happens!”

I thought it was so interesting to see the results of tests and to introduce new ads to test. In my mind, I made up a lot of sociological garbage about why this audience did or didn’t click certain copy. I didn’t actually know why. I didn’t stop to ask how the sausage was made, I just moved on to the next test. So when Google made the switch last year that basically told advertisers, “Listen, you can keep your ‘rotate indefinitely’ setting, but you will likely be left in the dust,” I may have had a slight nervous breakdown. I had A/B testing down! I was a machine!

Write two drastically unique ads per ad group.

Run for 30 days.

Calculate statistical significance.

Declare winner and pause loser.

Write new ad by taking the winning ad and changing something small.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Did you know humans analyze about 70 million signals in the blink of an eye? So which one of those signals made Jared click on Ad A and Jian-Yang click on Ad B? And why did Jian-Yang convert and Jared did not? I don’t know. What was the weather like when they each saw the ad? And while I would like to say, “It is because Ad A had a CTA in the headline and Ad B had a CTA in the description,” I do not actually know.This is the problem with trusting the results of manual A/B testing. We don’t take the time to think about our audience when making the decisions.

Pefrection

I realize the way I describe my love of process and organization makes me sound neurotic at best. While I do love clear guidelines, it is ambiguity, uncertainty, and imperfection keeping me in this field. The gray area is why PPC is both frustrating and exciting. Perfection? Overrated, of course.

Writing one perfect ad copy for hundreds of thousands of consumers is, um, shall we say, a “lofty” goal. So why did we as marketers try to do this over and over again with our A/B testing? Well, we didn’t know any better. We were doing the best we could with the information and technology we had.

Somewhere along the journey, Facebook came along and said, “Hey! Isn’t it so much better to write an ad when you know exactly who your audience is?” And we all said, “Yes!” And then machine learning jumped in and said, “I am strong enough, let me carry the burden of figuring out which ad to serve Gavin and which ad to serve Laurie.” And we said, “No! These are my precious ads and I won’t turn them over to you, machine!” And then we said, “Oh, okay, yeah, you probably know more than we do, here you go. But I’m still going to check in all the time.”

So we rolled up our sleeves, wrote a couple ads, then a couple more and flipped the settings to optimize and let it go. And it is working. I have yet to hear how more ads have lead to a negative impact on overall progress to goals.

Instead of trying to write 2 perfect ad variations, I now write 4-5 ad variations. Some use all the character space. Some don’t. Some have really strong CTAs. Some have a softer approach. All of the ads I write keep in mind brand integrity, voice, and proper control over grammar. When it makes sense for me to use ad customizers, I use them.

Takeaway: let go of the struggle to write good ad copy. Get in, write ads, get out, and get on to rocking your strategy.

More ads, less time

I am not entirely sure when my brain figured it out. As someone who was in love with A/B testing, everyone in the office came to me for advice on writing ads. But writing ads for manual A/B testing was wearing on me.

If you write your ads yourself, without the help of a program, you know it is a very time-consuming task. In the age of A/B, I would spend the majority of ad writing time thinking how to write a singular ad that could make sense across multiple ad groups to ensure the integrity of the a/b test. Depending on the size of the account and the tightness of the structure, that was a tough thing to do.

Now, no matter what the state of the structure, I am writing ads specific to the ad group, speaking to the keywords in that ad group, and I am breezing through the process. I try to write similar ads, but if from one ad group to the next the syntax doesn’t work, I don’t erase the work I’ve already done, I just rework the ad in question and move on.

My system isn’t perfect. I try to use formulas whenever I can to make writing any part of the ad easier. I like using DKI when I can. But mostly, my method now is quick and dirty. Get a bunch of ads in my spreadsheet, edit, make improvements, and let the machine do its work.

Final thoughts

I am still working out how to analyze what the results are telling me about my audiences. I’ve been playing around with n-grams to see how groups of words perform. Mostly, I am going through this post-A/B test world with the rest of you and trying to see where it takes me.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8217493 https://www.ppchero.com/life-after-ab-ad-testing/

[zacdhaenkeau]

Life After A/B Ad Testing: A Retrospective

Last August, Google switched up the options for ad rotation settings. We all saw it. And we all, for the most part, adjusted the settings to suit our needs, (I say “for the most part” as I to this day onboard clients with the unsupported “Optimize for Conversions” selected). Mary wrote a great piece, The End of 2 Ads Per Ad Groups. Google said, “This is changing!”. We said, “Okay!” and moved on.

In this post, I’d like to explore how that seemingly small change impacted the way I think, not only about ad copy, but about how I approach making changes in my accounts. I will explore:

Why manual A/B tests are flawed

Why I gave up trying to write “perfect” copy

How writing more ads has freed up my time

A/B? C-ya later!

I know I have talked about it before: I am a process junky. I love symmetry. And straight lines. And clean tests. Everything has a place and an edge. The problem is PPC is not a place where clean, defined lines exist. PPC is messy. Everything touches everything. The peas are in the mashed potatoes and there isn’t a darn thing you can do about it. When I started in PPC nearly 5 years ago, our A/B ad testing process was a gem! We had a guideline for how to run a test and we stuck to it and we made definitive statements:

“This worked!”

“This didn’t work!”

“Your consumer likes ‘Buy’ instead of ‘Shop’!

“Interesting. In ad group A, your audience preferred ads with proper case. In ad group B, your audience clicked on ads with sentence case almost 3x as often.”

“I will change that period to an exclamation point and see what happens!”

I thought it was so interesting to see the results of tests and to introduce new ads to test. In my mind, I made up a lot of sociological garbage about why this audience did or didn’t click certain copy. I didn’t actually know why. I didn’t stop to ask how the sausage was made, I just moved on to the next test. So when Google made the switch last year that basically told advertisers, “Listen, you can keep your ‘rotate indefinitely’ setting, but you will likely be left in the dust,” I may have had a slight nervous breakdown. I had A/B testing down! I was a machine!

Write two drastically unique ads per ad group.

Run for 30 days.

Calculate statistical significance.

Declare winner and pause loser.

Write new ad by taking the winning ad and changing something small.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Did you know humans analyze about 70 million signals in the blink of an eye? So which one of those signals made Jared click on Ad A and Jian-Yang click on Ad B? And why did Jian-Yang convert and Jared did not? I don’t know. What was the weather like when they each saw the ad? And while I would like to say, “It is because Ad A had a CTA in the headline and Ad B had a CTA in the description,” I do not actually know.This is the problem with trusting the results of manual A/B testing. We don’t take the time to think about our audience when making the decisions.

Pefrection

I realize the way I describe my love of process and organization makes me sound neurotic at best. While I do love clear guidelines, it is ambiguity, uncertainty, and imperfection keeping me in this field. The gray area is why PPC is both frustrating and exciting. Perfection? Overrated, of course.

Writing one perfect ad copy for hundreds of thousands of consumers is, um, shall we say, a “lofty” goal. So why did we as marketers try to do this over and over again with our A/B testing? Well, we didn’t know any better. We were doing the best we could with the information and technology we had.

Somewhere along the journey, Facebook came along and said, “Hey! Isn’t it so much better to write an ad when you know exactly who your audience is?” And we all said, “Yes!” And then machine learning jumped in and said, “I am strong enough, let me carry the burden of figuring out which ad to serve Gavin and which ad to serve Laurie.” And we said, “No! These are my precious ads and I won’t turn them over to you, machine!” And then we said, “Oh, okay, yeah, you probably know more than we do, here you go. But I’m still going to check in all the time.”

So we rolled up our sleeves, wrote a couple ads, then a couple more and flipped the settings to optimize and let it go. And it is working. I have yet to hear how more ads have lead to a negative impact on overall progress to goals.

Instead of trying to write 2 perfect ad variations, I now write 4-5 ad variations. Some use all the character space. Some don’t. Some have really strong CTAs. Some have a softer approach. All of the ads I write keep in mind brand integrity, voice, and proper control over grammar. When it makes sense for me to use ad customizers, I use them.

Takeaway: let go of the struggle to write good ad copy. Get in, write ads, get out, and get on to rocking your strategy.

More ads, less time

I am not entirely sure when my brain figured it out. As someone who was in love with A/B testing, everyone in the office came to me for advice on writing ads. But writing ads for manual A/B testing was wearing on me.

If you write your ads yourself, without the help of a program, you know it is a very time-consuming task. In the age of A/B, I would spend the majority of ad writing time thinking how to write a singular ad that could make sense across multiple ad groups to ensure the integrity of the a/b test. Depending on the size of the account and the tightness of the structure, that was a tough thing to do.

Now, no matter what the state of the structure, I am writing ads specific to the ad group, speaking to the keywords in that ad group, and I am breezing through the process. I try to write similar ads, but if from one ad group to the next the syntax doesn’t work, I don’t erase the work I’ve already done, I just rework the ad in question and move on.

My system isn’t perfect. I try to use formulas whenever I can to make writing any part of the ad easier. I like using DKI when I can. But mostly, my method now is quick and dirty. Get a bunch of ads in my spreadsheet, edit, make improvements, and let the machine do its work.

Final thoughts

I am still working out how to analyze what the results are telling me about my audiences. I’ve been playing around with n-grams to see how groups of words perform. Mostly, I am going through this post-A/B test world with the rest of you and trying to see where it takes me.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8217493 https://www.ppchero.com/life-after-ab-ad-testing/

[archiebwoollard]

Life After A/B Ad Testing: A Retrospective

Last August, Google switched up the options for ad rotation settings. We all saw it. And we all, for the most part, adjusted the settings to suit our needs, (I say “for the most part” as I to this day onboard clients with the unsupported “Optimize for Conversions” selected). Mary wrote a great piece, The End of 2 Ads Per Ad Groups. Google said, “This is changing!”. We said, “Okay!” and moved on.

In this post, I’d like to explore how that seemingly small change impacted the way I think, not only about ad copy, but about how I approach making changes in my accounts. I will explore:

Why manual A/B tests are flawed

Why I gave up trying to write “perfect” copy

How writing more ads has freed up my time

A/B? C-ya later!

I know I have talked about it before: I am a process junky. I love symmetry. And straight lines. And clean tests. Everything has a place and an edge. The problem is PPC is not a place where clean, defined lines exist. PPC is messy. Everything touches everything. The peas are in the mashed potatoes and there isn’t a darn thing you can do about it. When I started in PPC nearly 5 years ago, our A/B ad testing process was a gem! We had a guideline for how to run a test and we stuck to it and we made definitive statements:

“This worked!”

“This didn’t work!”

“Your consumer likes ‘Buy’ instead of ‘Shop’!

“Interesting. In ad group A, your audience preferred ads with proper case. In ad group B, your audience clicked on ads with sentence case almost 3x as often.”

“I will change that period to an exclamation point and see what happens!”

I thought it was so interesting to see the results of tests and to introduce new ads to test. In my mind, I made up a lot of sociological garbage about why this audience did or didn’t click certain copy. I didn’t actually know why. I didn’t stop to ask how the sausage was made, I just moved on to the next test. So when Google made the switch last year that basically told advertisers, “Listen, you can keep your ‘rotate indefinitely’ setting, but you will likely be left in the dust,” I may have had a slight nervous breakdown. I had A/B testing down! I was a machine!

Write two drastically unique ads per ad group.

Run for 30 days.

Calculate statistical significance.

Declare winner and pause loser.

Write new ad by taking the winning ad and changing something small.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Did you know humans analyze about 70 million signals in the blink of an eye? So which one of those signals made Jared click on Ad A and Jian-Yang click on Ad B? And why did Jian-Yang convert and Jared did not? I don’t know. What was the weather like when they each saw the ad? And while I would like to say, “It is because Ad A had a CTA in the headline and Ad B had a CTA in the description,” I do not actually know.This is the problem with trusting the results of manual A/B testing. We don’t take the time to think about our audience when making the decisions.

Pefrection

I realize the way I describe my love of process and organization makes me sound neurotic at best. While I do love clear guidelines, it is ambiguity, uncertainty, and imperfection keeping me in this field. The gray area is why PPC is both frustrating and exciting. Perfection? Overrated, of course.

Writing one perfect ad copy for hundreds of thousands of consumers is, um, shall we say, a “lofty” goal. So why did we as marketers try to do this over and over again with our A/B testing? Well, we didn’t know any better. We were doing the best we could with the information and technology we had.

Somewhere along the journey, Facebook came along and said, “Hey! Isn’t it so much better to write an ad when you know exactly who your audience is?” And we all said, “Yes!” And then machine learning jumped in and said, “I am strong enough, let me carry the burden of figuring out which ad to serve Gavin and which ad to serve Laurie.” And we said, “No! These are my precious ads and I won’t turn them over to you, machine!” And then we said, “Oh, okay, yeah, you probably know more than we do, here you go. But I’m still going to check in all the time.”

So we rolled up our sleeves, wrote a couple ads, then a couple more and flipped the settings to optimize and let it go. And it is working. I have yet to hear how more ads have lead to a negative impact on overall progress to goals.

Instead of trying to write 2 perfect ad variations, I now write 4-5 ad variations. Some use all the character space. Some don’t. Some have really strong CTAs. Some have a softer approach. All of the ads I write keep in mind brand integrity, voice, and proper control over grammar. When it makes sense for me to use ad customizers, I use them.

Takeaway: let go of the struggle to write good ad copy. Get in, write ads, get out, and get on to rocking your strategy.

More ads, less time

I am not entirely sure when my brain figured it out. As someone who was in love with A/B testing, everyone in the office came to me for advice on writing ads. But writing ads for manual A/B testing was wearing on me.

If you write your ads yourself, without the help of a program, you know it is a very time-consuming task. In the age of A/B, I would spend the majority of ad writing time thinking how to write a singular ad that could make sense across multiple ad groups to ensure the integrity of the a/b test. Depending on the size of the account and the tightness of the structure, that was a tough thing to do.

Now, no matter what the state of the structure, I am writing ads specific to the ad group, speaking to the keywords in that ad group, and I am breezing through the process. I try to write similar ads, but if from one ad group to the next the syntax doesn’t work, I don’t erase the work I’ve already done, I just rework the ad in question and move on.

My system isn’t perfect. I try to use formulas whenever I can to make writing any part of the ad easier. I like using DKI when I can. But mostly, my method now is quick and dirty. Get a bunch of ads in my spreadsheet, edit, make improvements, and let the machine do its work.

Final thoughts

I am still working out how to analyze what the results are telling me about my audiences. I’ve been playing around with n-grams to see how groups of words perform. Mostly, I am going through this post-A/B test world with the rest of you and trying to see where it takes me.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8217493 https://www.ppchero.com/life-after-ab-ad-testing/

[racheltgibsau]

Life After A/B Ad Testing: A Retrospective

Last August, Google switched up the options for ad rotation settings. We all saw it. And we all, for the most part, adjusted the settings to suit our needs, (I say “for the most part” as I to this day onboard clients with the unsupported “Optimize for Conversions” selected). Mary wrote a great piece, The End of 2 Ads Per Ad Groups. Google said, “This is changing!”. We said, “Okay!” and moved on.

In this post, I’d like to explore how that seemingly small change impacted the way I think, not only about ad copy, but about how I approach making changes in my accounts. I will explore:

Why manual A/B tests are flawed

Why I gave up trying to write “perfect” copy

How writing more ads has freed up my time

A/B? C-ya later!

I know I have talked about it before: I am a process junky. I love symmetry. And straight lines. And clean tests. Everything has a place and an edge. The problem is PPC is not a place where clean, defined lines exist. PPC is messy. Everything touches everything. The peas are in the mashed potatoes and there isn’t a darn thing you can do about it. When I started in PPC nearly 5 years ago, our A/B ad testing process was a gem! We had a guideline for how to run a test and we stuck to it and we made definitive statements:

“This worked!”

“This didn’t work!”

“Your consumer likes ‘Buy’ instead of ‘Shop’!

“Interesting. In ad group A, your audience preferred ads with proper case. In ad group B, your audience clicked on ads with sentence case almost 3x as often.”

“I will change that period to an exclamation point and see what happens!”

I thought it was so interesting to see the results of tests and to introduce new ads to test. In my mind, I made up a lot of sociological garbage about why this audience did or didn’t click certain copy. I didn’t actually know why. I didn’t stop to ask how the sausage was made, I just moved on to the next test. So when Google made the switch last year that basically told advertisers, “Listen, you can keep your ‘rotate indefinitely’ setting, but you will likely be left in the dust,” I may have had a slight nervous breakdown. I had A/B testing down! I was a machine!

Write two drastically unique ads per ad group.

Run for 30 days.

Calculate statistical significance.

Declare winner and pause loser.

Write new ad by taking the winning ad and changing something small.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

Did you know humans analyze about 70 million signals in the blink of an eye? So which one of those signals made Jared click on Ad A and Jian-Yang click on Ad B? And why did Jian-Yang convert and Jared did not? I don’t know. What was the weather like when they each saw the ad? And while I would like to say, “It is because Ad A had a CTA in the headline and Ad B had a CTA in the description,” I do not actually know.This is the problem with trusting the results of manual A/B testing. We don’t take the time to think about our audience when making the decisions.

Pefrection

I realize the way I describe my love of process and organization makes me sound neurotic at best. While I do love clear guidelines, it is ambiguity, uncertainty, and imperfection keeping me in this field. The gray area is why PPC is both frustrating and exciting. Perfection? Overrated, of course.

Writing one perfect ad copy for hundreds of thousands of consumers is, um, shall we say, a “lofty” goal. So why did we as marketers try to do this over and over again with our A/B testing? Well, we didn’t know any better. We were doing the best we could with the information and technology we had.

Somewhere along the journey, Facebook came along and said, “Hey! Isn’t it so much better to write an ad when you know exactly who your audience is?” And we all said, “Yes!” And then machine learning jumped in and said, “I am strong enough, let me carry the burden of figuring out which ad to serve Gavin and which ad to serve Laurie.” And we said, “No! These are my precious ads and I won’t turn them over to you, machine!” And then we said, “Oh, okay, yeah, you probably know more than we do, here you go. But I’m still going to check in all the time.”

So we rolled up our sleeves, wrote a couple ads, then a couple more and flipped the settings to optimize and let it go. And it is working. I have yet to hear how more ads have lead to a negative impact on overall progress to goals.

Instead of trying to write 2 perfect ad variations, I now write 4-5 ad variations. Some use all the character space. Some don’t. Some have really strong CTAs. Some have a softer approach. All of the ads I write keep in mind brand integrity, voice, and proper control over grammar. When it makes sense for me to use ad customizers, I use them.

Takeaway: let go of the struggle to write good ad copy. Get in, write ads, get out, and get on to rocking your strategy.

More ads, less time

I am not entirely sure when my brain figured it out. As someone who was in love with A/B testing, everyone in the office came to me for advice on writing ads. But writing ads for manual A/B testing was wearing on me.

If you write your ads yourself, without the help of a program, you know it is a very time-consuming task. In the age of A/B, I would spend the majority of ad writing time thinking how to write a singular ad that could make sense across multiple ad groups to ensure the integrity of the a/b test. Depending on the size of the account and the tightness of the structure, that was a tough thing to do.

Now, no matter what the state of the structure, I am writing ads specific to the ad group, speaking to the keywords in that ad group, and I am breezing through the process. I try to write similar ads, but if from one ad group to the next the syntax doesn’t work, I don’t erase the work I’ve already done, I just rework the ad in question and move on.

My system isn’t perfect. I try to use formulas whenever I can to make writing any part of the ad easier. I like using DKI when I can. But mostly, my method now is quick and dirty. Get a bunch of ads in my spreadsheet, edit, make improvements, and let the machine do its work.

Final thoughts

I am still working out how to analyze what the results are telling me about my audiences. I’ve been playing around with n-grams to see how groups of words perform. Mostly, I am going through this post-A/B test world with the rest of you and trying to see where it takes me.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8217493 https://www.ppchero.com/life-after-ab-ad-testing/