#I am painfully socially awkward idk if it's obvious!! !!! !

[chocolatespyro]

The profile pic I'm using for my blog lol

His name is Lint because I haven't been able to think up a better non-object name for him lol. he is a sona

also please don't use this for your own profile pic unless you ask, this version's watermarked anyways

also also do not use any of my art for NFTs or AI or whatever garbage

[keshetchai]

I think a huge problem in internet Judaism (also sometimes irl!) discussions is often that we're so focused on fighting or pushing back on misconceptions, Christian normativity, and distorted Christian ideas about our theology — that sometimes in the pursuit of this, we forget to approach a more complicated internal reality, or we overlook parts of our own religion while trying to not assimilate.

Things like the Talmud talking about Yom Kippur being a happy day. A lot of folks were surprised and didn't know there's a huge tradition that YK is supposed to be a positive holiday and many Jews observe with joy. Then some folks went on to elaborate that if someone wished them a happy Yom Kippur and they were Jewish it was fine, but if they were gentiles who simply didn't know anything and didn't bother to learn, then they were annoyed by the lack of care re: cultural nuance or whatever.

But like...of all the annoying christian-normative bullshit that exists — someone trying to wish me a happy holiday on a holiday that is noted to be solemn AND positive, but not really knowing anything about my religion — that doesn't really make a list of things I have time to be mad about! Or even irked by!

There's a lot of ways in which people are shitty and careless or make it obvious they consider our non-christian holidays an annoying quirk they have to acknowledge, but "happy yom kippur!" Is not one of them. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that I want other people to assume the best of me, even when I am the one who is socially awkward or ignorant, or stumbling around just trying to be an okay person. And sometimes I am the clueless one who has only a shallow understanding of someone's interior life/culture and I said/did nothing actually offensive but treated the situation the same way I treat similar ones in my own life because everyone has cultural blinders somewhere.

So sometimes, I have to look at other people doing The Thing and ask myself if it's at all malicious or harmful, and if it ISN'T, shouldn't I assume the best of another human bumbling around like I do all the time? "Hey thanks. Yeah I had a meaningful holiday."

Likewise, YES, we do have a history of wrestling with G-d and pushing back and asking questions and so on, but no, stiff-necked isn't wholly complimentary, it's...frequently the opposite of that. And the knee-jerk reaction is often to push back against Christianity and Islam vilifying Jews and their stubbornness/failures/wrongs in the Bible. Which is totally reasonable, there's a huge history of a theology of antisemitism and blaming there that impacts us today.

HOWEVER, we can push back against the antisemitic theologies and interpretations of these stories without necessarily having to recharacterize everything beyond recognition?

Yes, Abraham yelled at G-d that one time, and it was great. It may have even been a test of Abraham. Yes, Israel wrestles with G-d. Yes, the Jews in the desert complain to Moses they are dying of thirst and ask what was the point of leaving Egypt if they should only die while wandering instead?

Great. Love that. BUT ALSO: yes stiff-necked is not always a compliment. Yes, the Israelites struggled and made mistakes, and are utterly and painfully human just like people are today. Flawed. We are not so stiff-necked as to say we have not sinned!

Is anything as scary as a group that admits no flaws? No errors of judgment? Never questions themselves or learns from past mistakes? Idk to me, it's all very "with great responsibility comes great accountability, and power isn't the point here." Yes? If we take pride in the moments of arguing and the pushing back, then by that same token, we have to own the failings just as much to learn from. The relationship between G-d and Jews is a two way street.

It's not a failing to be an imperfect human, but it would be a failing to screw something up and then never admit it or keep doing it when you can change.

Idk I just...there's got to be ways we can dig into meaty and interesting stuff without having to constantly be like "just because some ancestors screwed up and G-d was angry at them doesn't mean you can say Jews lost the love of God and the covenant and were replaced you absolute weirdos."

[punskiii]

maaaaaan.....

having to socialize frequently because of joining the local theatre group has really made it painfully clear to me how degraded my social skills have become lol. like.....it's fine.....but also.....i am so fucking awkward and out of it sometimes and it is really obvious :')

i honestly feel like i used to be really social and outgoing as a kid/up until middle school????? after that life just got real weird and fucky and i curled in on myself and became a depressed and anxious mess. those years really just drained me in so many ways :////

now that i'm feeling much better, i wanna try to work on getting back to my more sociable self! i miss being able to just start and have a conversation with someone and make them smile or laugh! i used to have a lot of friends as a kid and got along with most of my peers.....getting back to some of that just a little bit would be nice

then again.....when i was a kid, i had more in common with my peers in terms of interests and hobbies so idk.....making friends outside of online interactions have been really damn difficult for YEARS now tho......

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

Oh my gosh so I also headcannon Jack as autistic! But im not comfortable with writing it yet because idk how. Im not autistic; my little sister is and i know a few things jack could have trouble with... but hes a grown ass man so i just dont know. Im definitely taking notes on what you write him as but could you give me some pointers?....maybe?

Im mostly referencing to Bitter with this

aaaa yeah it definitely presents differently in adults who've learned to mask, personally I don't plan to put certain things in specifically to talk about how he's autistic, I write with the background knowledge of what traits he displays, and then express them when relevant, it's relevant a lot with Jack simply due to how much it affects his life

now this is going to get long, so bare with me, because this is a whole lot more complicated than you might expect

there's really no one correct way to write Jack, since there's no one way that autism presents itself, the way I write him is based on a mix of myself and some people in my family, so I can give you a basic idea of what angle I personally come from

for one, I change the way I write about facial expressions and how emotions come across to Jack, in Jazz's chapters I'll write about the exact emotion she can see on their face, with Jack's I'll go with an obvious base emotion, but then if the person is expressing something more complicated, I'll describe their face in physical details

eg;

Jazz POV - Danny was upset, but his face was tight with frustration

Jack POV - Danny looked sad, but his eyebrows were furrowed and his mouth was set in a hard line

it's a subtle difference but it's one I try to maintain throughout Bitter, Jack's POV is based on how I have trouble reading non-obvious expressions, although in my case I also have trouble looking people in the face when I talk to them, that's harder to write in an emotion driven POV story, so I made Jack better at that than I am

his interest in machines is quite obvious, since he's an inventor, and he looooves infodumping on people, he gets very excited about his passions very quickly and his mouth runs off with him, something I also have trouble with, it hasn't been a prominent trait for Jack in Bitter, because he's so out of his element he's mostly confused and in a way, almost grieving his own death, so he's been far quieter than he usually is

his special interest is obviously ghosts and machinery, and in Bitter I cover that he's got a degree in engineering, physics and mathematics. He's good at them, I like to look at it as though Jack rolled high in intelligence and low in wisdom, he's book smart, he knows things that are straightforward and have firm rules, he's less comfortable in topics that are more wishy washy and vague, biology is complicated and has too many variables, he finds it difficult to grasp, there's no one standard rule that applies to every body

I also struggle with vague and unclear directions, I need a solid structure and clear instructions, my strength is in sorting, organising, alphabetising and colour coding, I like things to Look Right, I stick to a particular routine with very specific things, and it's viscerally uncomfortable and even distressing for me to have that order disturbed, I nearly had a meltdown at work because someone had done a part of my job incorrectly, and I had to fix it, it made me genuinely upset on a personal level, it was MY system, NOBODY should be touching it, NOBODY should be moving things around, they do anyway, and I spend a portion of my shifts just frustrated and on edge because of it

Jack also has issues socially, he often says or does things that other people find uncomfortable or embarrassing, I reference that in Bitter, where Jack assumes everyone is mad at him because he said or did something stupid, this I have much experience in, while in the middle of a social situation it's easy to just do what comes naturally to you and not realise it's off putting to other people, because people often play polite and you can't tell that they're uncomfortable, even though people around you find it painfully obvious

sometimes it's easy to see in hindsight after you've been told you made something awkward or uncomfortable, but in the moment if nobody says anything about it, you can remain either totally oblivious, or become anxious and second guess every interaction you have

Jack is the oblivious type, he's fortunate to live in a family that is fairly understanding, they might get frustrated with him, or embarrassed by him, but they don't really take it personally, they KNOW he means well, they know he cares, and Jack does care, he cares a lot, he feels things a lot, he's incredibly empathetic

this is a trait that a lot of media likes to ignore in depictions of autism, because I guess it makes people with autism seem 'too normal', when tv shows always want to be like 'hey wow look at this clever asshole! isn't he clever, but also an asshole! but you can't hate him because he's ✨autistic✨ and he can't help it'

that bothers me a lot, I mean some people with autism do have trouble relating and empathising with people, my brother is one of them, but some people with autism really empathise a lot, some of us feel things very strongly, I'm highly empathetic and it's a real struggle to cope with

so yeah, it is a very complicated thing, so you need to go in with an idea of what their character struggles with, how it affects them, and when it's relevant in the story, also autism falls on a very wide spectrum, some people, like myself, are able to mask well, but that creates a big issue with identity, when you start to wonder how much of you is real and how much of you is mask, then you have to decide if you want to lower that mask and accept the social consequences of expressing yourself naturally

I have a friend who presents a little more obviously, he's very rigid in his ways and he talks like he's reading from a script, I have another friend who can socialise just fine, but will go into a total meltdown when a plan gets derailed and she doesn't know what to do next

another friend I have is highly social and incredibly boisterous, she stims with her whole body, dances around a lot, she's chaotic and that can be off-putting to people, she's had to spend a lot of her life holding that back, she's only recently started learning how to be herself shamelessly

my brother was incredibly social when he was younger, and people always really loved him, but most of that is mask, he's socially anxious and just wants to be alone most of the time, and he's a total prick to his immediate family, I don't take that personally any more, since now I understand that he's so blunt and brutally honest because he isn't masking with us, but also he still needs to be called out when he oversteps, autism might be why he has difficulty empathising, but it's not an excuse to be a complete asshole, even people with autism need to be called out on shitty behaviour, it isn't a get out of jail free card, our self expression shouldn't come at the cost of hurting other people, most of us are more than capable of learning to not be an asshole

I know this is like, A LOT, but these are the things that need to be considered when writing about autism, it is an all encompassing thing that permeates your entire life experience, I absolutely welcome people like you to try to write about it! Because I think it shouldn't be a taboo subject, and I appreciate that you asked for advice and that you want to do it respectfully, you've probably seen first hand how difficult living with autism can be, having a family member on the spectrum, so you already have some experience to draw from, I don't know your relationship with your sister or how old she is, or where on the spectrum she falls, but if possible you can ask her about her experiences in particular situations that you're having trouble writing, if that's something you and she are comfortable with

I hope this helps, just remember to keep an open mind and listen to any feedback you might get, it is very VERY easy to misrepresent autism so don't be too hard on yourself if you don't quite get it right, if someone gives you a critique, take it in stride and use it to become better ~ you can even express that in an authors note, that you want to write it accurately and invite anyone with experience to share their opinion, because like I said, it is different for everyone and my experiences are not universal, and you're welcome to run something by me every once in a while if you aren't sure about it ❤️

[inkofamethyst]

April 25, 2019

Guys I��m freaking out and it’s all my fault.

So, it’s painfully obvious to anyone who knows me that I’m almost always an awful conversationalist.  Especially online?  Conventions online are different than they are in real life and sometimes I understand those differences and other times I overthink them.  Like the ettiquite for the time it takes to text someone back, for example.  Anyway I’m just bad, okay.

And now that I’m on Facebook more than I’ve ever used any other social media in my life (and it’s probably the only thing I’ll be using for the next week or so due to the release of Endgame (I will have to physically restrain myself, but I am not going to use Pinterest.  Instagram might be okay but it’s on thin ice.)), I’m commenting on a lot of people’s posts and jazz (especially if they like theatre because, well, that reasoning should be obvious, shouldn’t it (and if they like theatre and they’re an attractive guy? whew chile)) just to be friendly, you know?  Like, “hey, I’m a biochem major too!” or “hey, I’m into theatre too!  what’s your favorite show?” so that I can engage with a few people from the school before I actually get there, you know?  

And that’s been all fine and dandy, but like, combine my conversational awkwardness with my inability to act right around boys and it’s a recipe for disaster.

Maybe that wording is a bit strong... it’s not really a disaster.  I’m just afraid that I’m going to do something dumb.

Anyway I commented on the post of this one guy right (he said he was into theatre and binge-watching and seemed kind of funny so why not), and he responded back and then sent me a message through Facebook and I responded (a bit late unfortunately... yesterday was pretty hectic) and then he responded and then I responded and then I think he sent me a friend request at some point which is fine or whatever and then he asks for my snapchat.  Now, I don’t really care to use my snapchat.  I just got it, so I don’t know what any of the normal conventions are, and I don’t want to be completely tied to my phone and the idea of “streaks” because that sounds horrible (apologies to the two people with whom I accidentally started streaks... look, I only got the app in the first place so that I could join any snap groups so that I wouldn’t miss out on things).  Anyway, I tell him that I don’t really use it, but I give him my instagram instead and then he requests to follow me and I see a pride flag in his bio so he could even be gay idk that’s not my business.

I’ll clarify that this isn’t a crush or anything at all (I literally never even got that ~feeling~), but just that I’m bad at talking to people in general, ugh.  

We’ll see how it goes.  I’ll see it through.  He’s a bio major (neuro and physiology) so we could even have classes together, but he’s in a different living-learning program than me and also the campus is huge (there’s like, 5,000 freshmen each year (that doesn’t even count Spring Admits and transfers) so there’s a very real possibility that this will be the last time we actually interact.  We definitely won’t see each other at orientation (different llp’s), so we’ll see.  I just don’t want him to think I’m a weirdo who can’t talk to people or that I’m stuck up when I’m really only a little of both of those things with a dominant trait of being shy.

Now that my panicked word jumble is done,

I ended up not failing my math practice AP exam.  Actually, I got a pretty solid 4.  And I just checked my college’s website and a 4 would actually get me out of the two math classes that are required for my major.  There’s another math course that’s recommended but not required, but I think that I might skip out on that (depending on how my advisors think, of course) just so that I can fit more of my pharmacy requirements in over the course of four years.  I’m not as big of a math person as I’d like to be, and I recognize that, so I’ll try and make this whole thing as painless as possible for myself.

Another thing I’m mildly stressed about is the fact that I’m posting my Facebook bio into the groups tomorrow.  I’m going to get my pictures set up tonight so that I know I’ll have at least five.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get seven or more, but five has to be the absolute minimum.

Today I’m thankful that I’m going to Prom with a bunch of my good friends.  I’ll be single as all get out but I’ll look nice in my dress (which will not get dirty) and my hair and makeup (hopefully).  And... yeah.  Then there’s going to be the After Prom thing which should be more fun than the Prom itself (and I won’t have to worry nearly as much about a wardrobe malfunction... how’s that for $85 spent) with all the food and fun and prizes.  Yeah, this weekend is gonna be a good one.

[survivor-all-stars-blog]

EP 1: “Have Fun and Go Far” - Jessy [ PART IV ]

jsesu so i'll make a chat with logan and jenn. alex might have to go. but if lydia can get info from abbey on what's happening on that tribe and see if there's a chance emma could go on that one, maybe we could vote her on this one too. it's a stretch and honestly as long as its not me butttt we see

the dream: logan and I and two or three others in an alliance called mario party in which i am wario and logan is daisy and everyone else is someone else and it slays

A few days in and I've made some major milestones: - logged a solid 30ish couch hours. Time well spent if you ask me - avoided the first tribals which I'm mighty stoked about - shit talked Kait and Jenn an adequate amount - mowed my lawn Still some to knock out... - use the same joke on every person here - scoff down a feast on call - do one piece of physical activity

I am counting my chickens that I was one of the lucky few to avoid tribal completely this round. Came close on one but we caught a lucky break so thank fuck for that. I'm really happy about that. Kinda surprised someone would actually take quite a bit of stuff and take both of their tribes to tribal cuz it makes it kind of obvious who it is since they can be the only common figure on both tribes really. So my guess is is that they will be fucked, but you never know, might be comfortable enough to take an idol clue. I'm sad that Jenn has to go to tribal. 

I'm still trying to find my space since there are so many people and it's virtually impossible to talk with everyone. I really like Jenn on Bering, she's really cool and we've kinda got similar interests. I would like to work with her and maybe Ruthie on Bering cuz I've been able to connect with her too. My chats with MJ and Carson have been a little stiff but I think we're strong enough to avoid tribal tbh. I think 3 of them are winners so like.....come through? On Jannu I really like Jessy! She's a bundle of joy. I'm not sure if her and Jenn know each other or if it's a different Jess but if they were friends it could be perfect for me to use that to my advantage and have them as my anchor on each tribe. I also have Steffen who is like my child! He can be a little full on but he'd definitely be a great shield for me, plus I think he's loyal and we've really wanted to work together in a game so the Stelliance can finally exist! Other people I've bonded with a good bit include Matt. He's definitely someone I'd like to work with and he's on my Jannu tribe so that's great. Jimmy has been really chatty, Ricardo, and pretty much everyone I played with before approached me at some point. Granted I don't want to work with some of them but I'd be down for working with the above too. Lydia & Wes....idk. I currently got no alliances per se so I'd like to get chatting some more and secure majorities on my tribes although I don't want to rush into things. Everyone we vote is most likely still going to be in the game, and that could come back to haunt us at any point. 

Two of my tribes going to tribal???? i guess ill die. Thank god Alex took that damn idol clue and shot himself in the foot but if he has the idol already then LMAO fuck!!!!!! I honestly dont feel safe on both of my tribes... on pink i really want to work with jenn and logan i just pray that they arent working with owen already.  Blue??? Pat is cool. I really need to get myself into an alliance because i just wanna go far and also my flight isnt gonna be here until tuesday fml.

right so pat and I are allies now which is rad i love him and so does lydia. we both sort of wanted to take out emma just bc everyone and their dog loves her and the fact that nick is dealing with some shit we dont really want to vote him out despite him being sort of inactive. ughhhhh this is ugly i h8 small tribes ughhhh 

Interesting Aleeeeeeeeeeeeeex!

I'm getting ahead of myself. Going into last night's results, I knew Kait was already going to tribal council. So when Game A ties, there wasn't enough math in the world to help my tribe. Looking back, it would've been smart to do what the other tribes did and submit quickly and put all tribes at 750. That way you don't lose a time battle and you don't insult anyone by low scoring a tribe and implying that it's members are shady for taking items. I was on call with Kait while it was happening, and so we worked out a potential score for her tribe. To be honest, I wasn't even following what the fuck my tribe was saying, I mean bless Steven for trying to use math and Carson for bringing up the averaging thing because from there (and a helpful pointer from Kait that any score you submit should be a factor of 5) we were able to come up with something salvageable. Except the tribes weren't lined up how I wanted the points distributions to be aka Okhostk (spelling?) to be lowest, so the alphabet to the rescue! Honestly, coming in third was a little to close for comfort because I would've definitely felt to blame had we lost, even though Ruthie and MJ were nowhere to be found. No wait, MJ made sure to pop in for his "do what you feel is right" proverb before excusing himself from the mess. Notes taken Marsellus! 

Now onto Game B. I had been talking to Alex pretty much all day about the challenge, and I'm not going to lie, he had me convinced he wasn't taking anything. Reading back my conversation with him, I did miss a few signs that were painfully obvious, things like him asking if I really thought no one would take things, or him saying the idol clue was the only thing of value. I didn't expect his game to be so impulsive right off the bat. Game B tribes going to tribal council are because of Alex and Simon. Simple as that. Makulu tribe chat starts going off about us having a rat or a snake in the bunch, and Logan, LOGAN of all people, starts dragging him to the point where Owen messaged me separately just to say that he was holding on to his wig. 

Pass me the popcorn, this is what I came for!

Anyways, I'm hopeful because I feel in an okay position on this tribe. I need to talk to Emma more, I know that, but I think Logan and I are solid and last night Owen suggested making a group with the three of us. That's already majority on this small tribe so that's nice but we also have a pretty juicy target that we can vote out without any repercussions. Matt came to me today and gave me the idol clue, and then posted it in our group chat that includes us, Kait and Jimmy. I knew Kait already had the clue because she messaged me last night about it and how Simon was calling Alex a pussy for not being outright in taking something and how Simon was using the oasis is Game B and is relying on Kait and Matt (as his only allies apparently plus maybe Ricardo because of BBHell reasons) to save him. This was a lot of information but it helps because now MJ can't take out Simon in Game B, and instead should target Simon's ally on that tribe in Ricardo. I've never spoken to him before, so Ricardo eventually leaving doesn't hurt my game. Second, this keeps JC safe on that tribe, who has explicitly said they want to work with Kait and I. This would also keep MJ safe, who I'd like to see in the game for a bit longer. Now, Simon's display of trust in Matt and Kait has Kait convinced that her best move is to take out Alex on her tribe as well. Alex's only leverage on their tribe was saying he was going to get voted out of Game B and that if they didn't vote him out in Game A, he would share the clue. Now Kait has the clue, and a promise from Simon that he will do whatever for her, including rocks or throwing the game at FTC, so long as she doesn't vote for him. Now that promise is a bunch of malarkey, anyone can see that, and people who are desperate are dangerous. It leaves the duo of Matt and Simon still in the game, but I do think that Simon is still going to be a big threat and targeted no matter where he goes. Matt would not want to vote out Simon, so by Kait siding with the boys to take out Alex, she avoids rocking the boat this early. Not too mention, it helps the both of us. If my Game B tribe votes out Alex and Kait's Game A tribe votes out Alex, he's gone for good and none of us have to deal with any awkward fall out. That's where I'm hoping things fall tonight, but it's Survivor. 

Besides that, I got a lot of messages last night from people telling me to stay safe at tribal council, which I'm trying to use to gauge my social relationship with them. Obviously they send out lots of these messages to those they see potential working with, so I'm not doing too poorly. I spent a long time talking to Wes yesterday, and he seems like good people. Kait said she had a lot in common with him and I think Jimmy likes him too. Speaking of, so if Kait and I can get out of these tribal councils with no blood on our hands and Jimmy doesn't have to go at all, it wouldn't be a shabby week for us. I'm already struggling with what to tell certain people because Kait tells me stuff she says I'm not supposed to tell anyone else and then I feel bad that I don't tell Jimmy even though I know he's happy enough without the strategy aspect of things or like Owen and Logan looking to get the clue from Alex today and I could easily pass it along to Logan or even both of them to build trust but then it could get back to Matt that I shared it and UGH. No rest for the wicked here huh?

Gage began a conversation with me talking game strategy. I asked him for info on his tribe to get a sense of what he was thinking. He then in turn asked me what was going to happen on Andaman. We're pretty much in the same position. If you are vulnerable on both tribes, the chance that you're the target increases and that makes maneuvering through this game that much tougher. You can't throw challenges anymore, we really have to fight to win everything. This also allowed myself to bond with him, as we are on the same tribe in Game B. This connection could prove to keep myself out of danger if Denali goes to tribal council during the upcoming rounds. This is the new Jack way of playing the game, and by making connections I realized how much it can help me in a game-sense. I am definitely proud of my overall growth in terms of strategy that this game has taught me. I'm extremely pleased. 

I wanted more than anything for Emma to go instead of Alex, but Alex really just isn't responding to me and...??? There's only so much I can do without looking like a crazy person to Logan and Jenn. I can't overcomplicate things. And I think Alex is leaving on his other tribe so... Oh well. If he goes, that's fine now. Maybe I can get that clue before he leaves, but we'll have to see. 

I talked to Lydia and she said that Emma could be going on the other tribe because Pat didn't want Nick to go, but then Logan heard it was Nick and now that Simon has used his Oasis thing Nick could ALSO be going on both tribes... Whew. Either way, I've only really heard the names of people going to both tribals, which shows just how scary this whole thing can be if you're in that position. It's definitely enough ammunition to take someone out of the game.

Jakey has begun to ask me more about alliances and I need to be really careful about the information I give and the things I say because the position is so fragile on a five person tribe. I want to be good with everyone, and I believe I am, but I don't want so much power that it becomes obvious I'm playing people. It'd be much better if Jake didn't want an alliance with multiple people in it...

okay both my tribes won and im screaming!!! im so happy that im not going to tribal at all this round and i can breathe. and update on tribe dynamics:

i asked owen for an alliance and we put a ring on it!!! i trust owen and i think he trusts me too and we dont rly know who we want to work with on caspian yet. basically we dont wanna work with steffen bc we think he's a sketchy and scary player. also trevor basically connects lydia and owen but owen isnt very keen on working with lydia. hes more interested in working with ricardo but we dont want to make anyhting official until we go to tribal and find out if anyone is throwing out either one of our names. communication with other members of caspian has been pretty minimum. absolutely no game talk .... so yeah its boring. 

kait asked me for an alliance and we put a ring on it!!!!! she isnt very good at hiding that she has a good relationship with pat and the two of them are pretty close. i think carson may be in on that. idk i think kait is aligned with everyone on this tribe FKJHFKHJ.. i asked wes for an alliance on like night 2 and i hope we can work together on that tribe. 

alex and simon were the only ones to take items haha and everyone knew bc it was hard to find out that it was them. owen literally told alex to go for the fucking clue IM SCREAMING... AND THEN HE DID.......... GOD...... but alex hasnt given him the clue yet LJKFHKJFH god i rly want him to give owen the clue and for owen to give me the clue and me and jessy can look for it ldksjfhg. but yeah i guess we'll see! i dont think he'll give it to anyone but owen better work his magic. i think alex is being voted out on that tribe and on the others.... i dont rly know! and i dont rly care kdjfgh no one i care about too much is in danger so im just chillin. a pretty successful start to this season!!!

i'm back bitches! so is this dual tribes twist huh ryan won't let me live

let's talk about my tribes. honestly i like everyone on hudson and jannu but like.. i don't think it's mutual. i think i'm very stand offish in these conversations and i don't think people are liking me very much. i'm trying to socialize well but it just ends up being really awkward lmfao

hudson is a cool tribe, i talk to jc the least but they still seem cool. i'm not in any alliances here but i'm thinking of asking wes for an alliance soon and i want to keep talking to logan so they can possibly work with me as well? but i think jimmy and wes are literally the same person so they're probably aligned or something

jannu is a cool tribe as well, i'm just pretty confident there's an alliance there i'm not in. matt and the stevens i feel are probably working together, and that's pretty unsettling. steffen is apparently a big liar and backstabber, and if you pair that together with matt then who knows what you can get! i guess it'll be easy to turn them against each other though if it comes down to it, but it's way too early for  that.

i've been trying to find the idol (without a clue lmao) i was trying to get alex to give it to me but i had no luck. i think he knows that advantage is his life line in the game and he wouldn't give it out so easily. i'd try simon but i think he'd just expose me or something.

i'm close with jake, and i want to be close with emma and lydia. i think lydia is a person i should be wary of, but i think that we can bond really easily as we're both from maryland and are pretty similar. emma is really cool too and i think if we're on a tribe together, we'll end up aligning. i'm going to ask lydia for an alliance pretty soon probably. 

i'm glad to have won the immunity challenge on both of my tribes! i'm only one of 9 people to do so. i'm a fucking LEGEND! i did #that. i'm hoping this can continue so i don't have to go to tribal obviously, i think i'd be in trouble on both of my tribes in that scenario. i just don't mend well with these people! i really like them though, that's the thing. i'm really intimidated.

hopefully this whole thing ends well, because my goal this game is just really to have fun and go far. 

Oh god, I haven't made one of these since premiere night I'm pretty sure! I've been out of town so it's been hard to write anything up!  

I'm so nervous for Alex right now, it's too early for him to go home.  I'm not sure why his greedy ass decided to take something but there is a positive to all this...  HE GAVE ME THE IDOL CLUE! And I just really hope I get an idol and have a bit of fun once he leaves! It's better with him in for sure but maybe him leaving will be better for my game.  I just hope Simon leaves in the game that he and Simon are both in together. 

I'm so glad my tribes and I have our shit together and that I won't be personally attending a tribal council tonight!  SCORE! :D

GUESS WHO JUST GOT THE IDOL CLUE???????

Idk how he'd make this shit up tbh so I think it's the real one unless he changed some stuff but idk why he'd do that to me. I didn't even have to ask he just...sent...it????

Now, idk. I expressed to quite a few people (Kait, Lydia, Steffen, Jake, Logan, Jenn) that I was gonna try to get it out of him lmao. Will I share it....? Probably. It'll definitely help me build trust. But also, this is something that sets me apart and maybe I need that. We'll see :~)