#I am on prep and so is he so Im not worried about like contracting anything

[botryoidal]

gonna be tmi in the tags

[writingsbychlo]

💭

Ayyy Congrats Chlo! Can I get a 💭 of Noah when his girl is pregnant? Like how is he through it snd when she's in labor?

no more requests, the sleepover is over, I'm just finishing up what's in my inbox!

I got so carried away with this

he would be so good by the labour stage

but lets be real, he takes a hot minute to get adjusted

now, don't get me wrong, this was planned

and he is damn excited to be a dad

you've been taking folic acid and vitamin D and all the good stuff

and you were both elated and crying when the test came back positive

but he does take a moment to actually realise what it means

like he did not think that far through, if he's honest

rubbing your back throughout morning sickness

but like, he doesn't quite get it

you have a significantly lowered sex drive

breast tenderness and morning sickness and he is kinda sexually frustrated

it takes him a moment to adjust to that because y'all had been pretty active before, and he has to take care of himself now

not to mention, you're a lot more sleepy

he knew you'd get sleepy, but he expected it to come later, not as early in the pregnancy as the first few weeks

so there's a lot of things that have to be cancelled

like concerts and things

but he was looking forwards to them

and it causes some arguments to begin with

like when he went to the concert with boyd instead

and you'd put a blanket and pillow on the couch for him

or the argument that came with him insisting that he could ride the bike a little longer

and the little strop he gets in when you throw out all the foods on the list your midwife gave you after your first antenatal appointment

"you can't eat them, but I can! why do we have to throw it all out?"

"because you're supposed to be supporting me!"

"I am supporting you, but I still want to eat my food!"

"fine, keep it then!"

and he feels bad two weeks later when you go to game night

and derek and stiles have laid out an awesome looking spread

with charcuterie boards and cheeses and crackers and wine

and he knows how much you love all of that stuff

and you literally can't have any of it

in fact, you brought your own meal, which is a salad and plain crackers and it's not exactly game night material

and so he does some research into food and writes down everything you can and can't have

and he watches a video on best recipes for pregnancy and he makes one for you

a little surprise dinner for when you get home from work

"what's all this?"

"well, you know, your meals look kinda' miserable. but, you're literally growing our child, so you should get to eat nice things, and I googled a good recipe for pregnancy safe meals."

noah getting laid that night

and afterwards, when you're asleep on his chest, he realises how easy it is when he stops thinking it's gonna be a struggle

at around about 7 weeks, you start getting more emotional

crying more at movies and getting mad at random things and being a lot clingier than usual

which he doesn't mind, of course

but it freaks him out sometimes

"noah, what the fuck?" while in tears and he's freaking out because he has no idea how bad he fucked up or what he did "there's a dead bird in the garden, noah, that's got to be some kind of omen, oh my god, what if you die? why would you just die, noah?"

so he cleans up the dead bird

but now you're mad because you're worried about him abandoning you

"baby, if I was gonna' abandon you then why would I have married you, huh?"

and it takes him a hot minute to get used to that too

however, he also learns how to direct it at other people for his own amusement

"hey, baby, did you know that stiles wears socks to bed, even in the summer?"

"you wear socks to sleep in the summer? you're sick, stiles. you're sick. I don't want you near my child, you're weird, you and your socks and your sweaty toes can stay away. you're so gross."

"what the fuck?"

and noah just laughing his ass off about it

you also have to pee a lot more so noah has to take that into account

you're still fully able to go hiking and do the things the two of you love doing

but he has to plan in your pee breaks

not to mention, you're still throwing up every morning

so, he can't plan too much, but he does plan a little weekend getaway for you both

with a privately rented cabin so that you can throw up each morning in peace and don't feel like you're being watched

panicking when you get spotting at week 8

and that really throws you both through a loop

rushing to the hospital and he's unfamiliar with driving your car

so it stresses him out to know he's useless in emergencies

it turns out to be nothing

but noah is pretty sure he's never cried that hard

not to mention, in a public bathroom, just so he didn't scare you

and when he gets home, like, fuck, it's a reality check for him

he starts getting driving lessons

he has a license and all but he's rusty

and he wants to be prepared, so he starts taking lessons

he also starts checking out bigger cars for the two of you

because your little car won't do in a few years

"you know, not that I'm complaining, but I've noticed you aren't wearing bras anymore."

watching your cheeks go fucking warm as you get all embarrassed

"do you wanna go shopping, get some comfier ones?"

"you are gonna go pregnancy bra shopping with me?"

"well, considering how proud I am when I get to go regular bra shopping with you, I think pregnancy bra shopping is the same."

going with you to get tests and scans done

literally crying again when you hear the heartbeat

"we made that, oh my god."

texting everyone he knows when you get your due date estimate

holding your hands when you have to get your pregnancy vaccinations

actually taking notes when the midwife starts talking about making a birthing plan and getting things sorted before you get to the third trimester

and he does a lot of research on birthing plans and starts prepping

going on every shopping trip with you

"I want to get the nursery painted, like, a while before the baby comes. so we can air it out for fumes."

"we can go check samples out this weekend."

"well, I mean, that's soon, like, really?"

"yeah, whatever you want, sunshine."

getting laid again

and when the morning sickness goes away, he starts getting his late morning sleep back

starting to get self-conscious about extra pregnancy weight gain

and noah doing everything he can to reassure you

but as you get into the second trimester, your sex drive suddenly jumps back up

and he fucking loves it

because that's a lot of unprotected sex and a lot of making out and a lot of touching

and honestly, something about it is really turning him on

"baby, I don't know if it's your glow or the fact that I am literally so in love with you, or maybe the months of not having sex, but I've literally never been this hard."

"shut up and fuck me, you can compliment me later."

"'kay."

throughout your second trimester, you get everything done

the nursery gets decorated and the furniture is built and it's perfect

there's only the little touches now, like mobiles and clothes and such

he also bought the new car, and traded yours in

and he arranged for you to get lessons in it too, so you know how to drive a bigger car before you get too pregnant to drive safely

crying the first time the baby moves. so much fucking crying.

and getting so excited every time

it's few and far between in the middle of your second trimester, but it's so meaningful

starting to go to pregnancy classes

and he also signs you both up for a pregnancy exercise class

that is supposedly meant to make labour easier because of the pelvic floor exercises

having a few days where you're nervous around him

thinking he did something wrong

"I think I'm gonna want to take an epidural."

"that's what you've been so worried about?"

"well, yeah. I read all these pamphlets about how it's so controversial and sometimes the dads don't like it, an-"

"I want you to be happy, okay? it's gonna be a happy time, so whatever you want, we'll do, okay? I want you to smile when you look back on the birth of our baby."

"I love you, so damn much."

"I love you so damn much."

finding out the sex of the baby, neither of you wants to wait

telling everyone it's a secret until the baby shower

your bump really starting to come in at the end of the second trimester

as well as headaches and backaches and stretch marks

and noah always making sure to kiss it better

a lot of nice warm baths and washing your hair for you

the baby starts responding to touch and sound, though

noah starts talking to the baby a lot

telling them about your day and rubbing lotion on your stomach

the baby getting hiccups for the first time

in the beginning of the second trimester, you start choosing names

more tears when you settle on a name

the third trimester is where you really start feeling it

you’ve got mood swings, you’ve got backache, and you’re getting a lot of odd cravings

all of which noah indulges for you

some make him gag and he actually cannot watch you eat it

banning food in bed

it caused an argument but he won that one

announcing the gender at your baby shower

you and noah dressing in white while waiting for everyone’s guesses

it’s a girl!

you announced it via a little cake cutting ceremony that was pink inside

using those last few weeks to decorate the nursery with teddies and buy clothes

when you finally go into labour it’s actually while you’re hanging out with stiles and derek

thinking it’s just cramps for a while

because you’ve been having cramps, you think it’s fine

until

“uh, (Y/N), you know I love you, but did you pee on my couch?”

“excuse me, I did not pee on your couch an- oh my god, they’re contractions.”

noah literally choking on his drink

you rubbing his back as he tries to cough it up

panicking so much that his whole fucking birthing plan goes out of the window

“the bag is at home!”

“what about your pillow?”

“fuck! fuck! fuck!”

derek is the only calm one because stiles is;

“HOLY FUCK, IM GONNA BE AN UNCLE, GIMME A NEICE!”

and noah is 

“HOLY FUCK, IM GONNA BE A FATHER!”

so derek coordinates it all while you just kinda sit there and watch it all

“okay, well, her contractions are now, like, eight minutes apart, so maybe we should get a move on.”

telling stiles to take you to the hopsital while he takes noah to pick everything up

and off you go

stiles is fucking buzzing the whole way there

calling your hospital to inform them you’re on your way

getting to the hospital and being greeted by your midwife

“lovely to see you again, mom and dad”

“I DIDN’T MAKE THAT.”

“thanks, stiles.” your midwife being confused. “this is the uncle, they’re twins. dad is on his way.”

“I’M THE UNCLE!”

“stop shouting stiles, the baby won’t come out, you’re scaring it back up.”

“sorry.”

stiles holding your hand

noah arriving five minutes later with more than enough stuff

“I didn’t know which pjs you’d want after so I brought options!”

after a good few hours of labour, and noah being there for all of it, your baby is born

literally crashing right after and sleeping for a while

“‘bout fuckin time you woke up, noah won’t let me see my niece ‘til you have. hurry up.”

“I will punch you so hard you’ll be glad you’re in a hospital.”

“that’s my wife”

“sorry.”

meeting your daughter with noah, and having a moment

because he’s put her in a little pink striped onesie and she’s got a baby beanie on

“she’s got your nose.”

“you can’t tell that, she’s like six hours old.”

“i can hope.”

finally taking her to meet stiles who practically dies on the spot

he cries a lot when he finally gets to hold his niece

“stiles, derek, meet ‘hope claudia stilinski’.”

[pbandjesse]

I got a friend request from an obvious catfish on facebook and they just messaged me and Im messing with them. Acting all innocent while they are trying to get me to get on webcam with them. They are pretending to be a pretty blonde girl but every single friend they have is a young guy from India. Wild. I am trying to tell them frog facts.

Honestly I am just glad today is over. It wasnt even a bad day, my arm just really hurts and I feel a lot of stress in my stomach. I just wish James was home. I wish I didnt have to go to work. But that may not be a problem for much longer. But Ill get to that. 

I slept a little better last night and didnt wake up as miserable. I got up and scrolled on my phone for a little but then I felt pretty good and got up and dressed and I loved my outfit and I just felt really nice. I hugged on James for a little bit and then I was off to work. 

It wasnt a bad day at all. I am so glad I wont be alone anymore next week, but it wasnt a bad time. I mostly worked on my store and read my book. I did miss having stuff to sew but thats alright. Im going to get things prepped this weekend so I will have things to do. 

The kids were better about just doing their work today. And at the end of the day I checked a bunch of their school sites and was very proud of them for how caught up they were. One of them had everything completed! Amazing! So proud. 

We never made it outside today but the kids were kinder to eachother and played in the gym. I had brought a wrench and fixed the tightness on the skateboard trucks. Felt much better to ride on them both. The kids are getting better at riding them too and its cool to see that. I for sure am on the look out for some cheap boards at the thrift store. 

I had a nice lunch and had a nice day with my kids. But I also just felt a lot of stress. About being out of the house. About everything in the world. About our governor undermining the mayors of the counties that are putting stronger restrictions in place. And no one knows if school is going to go back in session in January. So I went to talk to Mr Burns about the contracts. They are supposed to go through the 23rd but then I dont know. 

And basically what he told me was that the PAL sites all had a meeting yesterday and a lot of the sites are very unhappy with their teachers and feel very frustrated and dont want to continue the program. Except my site! Mr Burns says they got the best teacher, and they have had no problems with me at all. I was so flattered. And I barely do shit so I cant imagine what these other teachers are doing! But even though they like me and have no problems at this site, the contract seems to be with the entire county and so if all the other sites are unhappy they might cancel the contract and Ill be out of the job. Im not that worried. James has had some really promising  interviews lately and my store is going well so itll be fine. But it has been nice to have something consistent, even for a little while. 

I was very glad to be done at the end of the day. I had had fun helping my kids start sewing, and I had fun playing card games. But I was hungry and ready to get out of there!

I packed up and said goodbye to everyone. Wished them a good weekend and headed out. I stopped at burgerking and ate all the fries on the way home. But soon enough I was back at the apartment and so glad to be. 

I set up in the dungeon with my burger and somehow knocked over my drink. Soda flipped over. Ugh. I cleaned that up and had my burger and felt dumb but I was excited to see the snow on our animal crossing island! Jess said she was able to build a snowman so I had to run around trying to figure that out. But I didnt have enough grass space. So I made some of those. And later on I was able to log back on and find some snowballs and made my first snow man. It was very exciting. 

I packed up some more orders as well. And I cut some fabric. But I was tired and so I laid in the studio and I guess I laid on my arm weird because it still hurts, hours later. I was feeling pretty low, pretty bummed out. I tried to start wrapping some gifts but it didnt help me feel much better. I did some dishes. And now I am hanging out and I think I will take a bath and drink some water and try to be positive. 

I am really excited to have the weekend off. I am hoping to maybe go to a park tomorrow. Just enjoy a nice day. I hope you all sleep well. Goodnight everyone!!

[thorinthehottotty]

For the modern thorin verse we got goin on hehe: How would Thorin react to seeing you get into a full fist fight with someone? You're pretty injured, though the other person is pretty worse, and you refuse to seek professional medical attention, so Thorin has to patch you up. You're driving home and bleeding everywhere, how does Thorin cope? (If the blood triggers you, please feel free to ignore this!)

First and foremost, blood does not and will never bother me, but thank you for asking. Im certified in CPR, phelbotomy and first aid. Without revealing too much about me, I come from a very violent family (my great grandma's first husband had a murder suicide and my uncle tried to murder my aunt by burning her alive). I've also dealt with ganggreen, sepsis, vomit, human feces and had to clean some nasty coochies and willies in my time. There is little that bothers me.

Two. Prep, my friend, for this is a topic I know too well for I have not always been the wholesome little darling you all may think me to be.

BEWARE THIS IS KIND OF VIOLET

Let's crack into this.

If you guys are anything like me, you are absolutely not the kind of person one wants to get into a fight with. Dealing with aggressive piss babies, violent jackasses and certified psychopaths hasn't been something unknown to you. It would take a lot to probably get you to the point of physical fighting but once you are there, YOU ARE THERE. You might even completely black out (I have been known to do this I was a very angry child).

It would probably start with a stranger doing something reckless and blaming you. Thorin is caught off guard by the aggressive behavior. Like maybe someone nearly runs you both over and gets out Karen or Kyle style and starts screaming about the whole thing. (I work customer service.) You too a little bit but you quickly cover with a 'yeah, sorry, dude' even though it was definitely not your fault but still to the bewildered Thorin you kinda of just say "hey, maybe they're having a bad day, lets just move on."

And Thorin would start getting visibly angry if they continued to harrass you about it. He'd be about ready to get back at them until sad person tried to lay hands on him. Grabbing him to try to pull him back in a 'don't you walk away' fashion. And instantly you'd be in their face, jaw clenched, fist balled, and instead of screaming you'd just give a really low, quiet warning to them. You're voice tight, controlled as you tell them calmly to remove their hands from his person and walk away before things escalate. This would make the person scoff, especially if you were small. Thorin would maybe be trying to stop you, very carefully, because he would see the fire in your eyes. A dangerous light that borders on mad, as you glare down someone who's probably much bigger than you.

You're holding back as the person taunts you repeatedly, getting in your face, spitting. Thorin would be geared to go at a moments notice but you'd just hold a hand out in a "stay back" kind of way.

You would not swing first. You know better and before Thorin couldn't even react you'd be going into a rage. A hard crack alerting him to some kind of bone breaking as your fist made contact with the person's face. He'd be shocked to see how fast and powerfully you'd move. You were winning, definitely and there was a lot of grunting and violence.

He'd be even more shocked to find people gathering and recording of all things! He'd kind of be in awe of you throwing hands because it was more than punching.

The moment he saw a glint of silver, his stomach would drop out and he couldn't get in between you in time. And all hell breaks loose. You just go completely feral, one second your defensively kicking this person's ass and the next you shattering their nose with your forehead. He doesn't even get the opertunity to see how you do it but the person is screaming as you are throwing them against the ground and just wailing with both fists.

There is a lot of blood concidering. He's dragging you off with quite the difficulty and he's terrified because your face is bleeding and there is definitely something sticking out of you! But he's actually fairly calm (outwardly) since he's seen death and battle.

You've broken the person's nose and both their eyes are turning back but they're nearly unconsious after you slam their head into the ground. Both your lips are split, bloods coating your teeth and your shirt is staining near your wound. He'd be dragging you off and demanding you get medical attention. And your in the car, driving yourself home, cursing and wincing, and he's begging for you to go to a doctor but your refusing and when you get home your pulling out a first aid kit and handing it to him.

Thorin's eager to look at the thing sticking out of your side and youre just grumbling about getting 'shanked with a pen' luckily it doesn't go deep but it still bleeds a lot. He just scolds you for being so reckless as he's holding pressure to stop the bleeding. He'd be nearly frantic.

And when you've both calmed down, he's actually really impressed and proud by how ferocious you were. He's definitely flattered that you actually stepped up to protect him and got hurt in the process but he'd pretend to be more upset because he did not want you getting in more dangerous situations and getting hurt. He would definitely discourage fights.

He knows humans aren't as sturdy as his kin so he'd be worried you'd die from your injuries until you assure him that, you will live. But he takes care of you sweetly and overall more level headed out of the two of you. He makes you promise to seek real medical help the next time and once your not so covered in blood he'd chill out.

But it would lead him to be very curious about your past because it was obvious you'd been in a fight or two prior.

I got inspiration from the song Lydia by Highly Suspect

I think that just about covers that section of it. I got home from work an hour ago and couldn't wait to type this up!

My muscles will contract, your bones will crack

It's just a fact 'cause I am here to win this fight

[bubypjm]

why bighit is trash

or, alternatively, a list of things that bighit, an entertainment company/music label, should start doing and stop acting like a small company.

im puting everything under a read more bcos its a lot, for one, and im also sure that not everyone wants to read it or cares lmao

a little disclaimer;  i speculate and connect things based off of the things we are shown/told, i will spoil some parts of their recent movie AND its not bighit-positive, obviously

okay to start this off, bighit released an official statement to say that bts will be going “on an official and extended period of rest and relaxation” and that’s honestly one of the best things that bighit has done for bts.

the statement is linked, but since i will be referring to a fair few points on it i will also attach it here

the issues start with the opening sentence.

“for the first time since their debut” bts will be going on an official and extended period of rest. to rephrase, for the first time in 6 years, the 7 men of bts will not be surrounded by cameras, will not be expected to attend any rehearsals or interviews and will not be expected to produce or write lyrics. they will not have any responsibilities tied to their work. or, that is what we all had assumed, but as we now know the members were expected to film content on what they do during their break and, if jungkooks video is anything to go by, they were also expected to edit and send it in to the company for “review”.

judging by the release/filming of Hoseok & Becky G’s CNS, it seems like their “break” does not include solo activities. or does bighit consider the building of ones own reputation as an individual artist an “extra” and not a part of ones work?

“enjoy the ordinary lives of people in their 20s, albeit briefly”

this just hurts. it was bighits responsibility to make sure that they got more chances to enjoy their lives.

the good

bighit reminding uglies to stay the fuck away from them during their short break.

okay, the statement aside, i want to talk about a few other bighit-bts related things.

bighit staff and sasaengs

- stalkers appearing in hoseoks bday vlive (no its not staff, the girls’ accounts were found on instagram. they were quite pleased with themselves) were was the security ? how did the girls know which room the boys were in ? doesn’t bighit rent out the entire hotel floor ? does that mean they were allowed in ? why ? did they pay ? do their parents have connections bighit could use ?

- giving away members clothes, providing concert entrance, giving away members numbers ect

the thing that occurred during hoseoks vlive was not looked into, as far as i am aware, however Jimin’s Gucci concert shirt being 'lent’ to a stalker was.

However, minimum to little effort was put into the case because no staff was fired, no disciplinary measures were taken and no consequences occurred.

- during either DNA or Fake Love comeback stages on music shows, some armys were not permitted entrance and some privileged people were taken backstage to meet the members (which is NOT allowed, at any point. those are PRIVATE areas for the idols to rest and prep for the stage) source 1 & more if you look around.

- not firing a manager that hit jungkook source (some speculate he was fired, others speculate he was removed from being a manager and took another position within bighit.)

- bighit restricting any and all interactions with the members among staff. according to one of the backup dancers during Not Today and/or Singularity, bighit staff was very strict about NOT speaking with the members.

take the last point as you will. I have my own thoughts about it

- no subs on army kit content, no subs for bangtan bombs (other channels have them. bighit claims themselves to be a global company but doesn’t move as such). its all well and good to say “you’re stanning a korean company, learn korean!” and this may work for bangtan bombs, but what about army kit content? why isn’t that subtitled? or should that be dismissed with “you don’t have to buy it”?

the good

- giving bts a private jet and not making them go through public entrances and exits. thank u bighit

the movie

this will contain spoilers.

- big hit staff filmed the members during their vulnerable moments.

jungkook nearly passing out, filmed and slotted into the movie. the members crying and clearly feeling emotionally vulnerable ? recorded and snipped into the movie. this would’ve been fine if the members were fine with it, but jungkook was clearly trying to hide his face from the camera and jimin expressed not wanting to show himself in bad conditions.

- treatment of bighit staff

we all know that jungkook had to sit out during some stages during the love-yourself tour. what we didn’t know was that he got stitches without any medication that would ease his pain because he had to go on stage.

jungkook hurt himself so badly that he needed stitches, but was not allowed anything to subdue the pain while getting the stitches because it would not make him stage-ready. the staff members watched as he screamed while getting stitches.

now, i don’t really care whether it was jungkook’s decision or not. nobody in their right mind would let someone they care about go through with something like that. there will be other stages, there will be other concerts. however, idk why i find this surprising since jungkook was hit by a staff member before and the only reason why he got fired was bcos it was spotted in the bg of a bangtan bomb and armys demanded for the man to be fired.

- secondly, jimin’s neck and dropping out of the graham norton show.

i cannot find the translation rn, but while deciding what to tell the fans with regards to what happened to jimin and why he isn’t able to perform with the rest, namjoon tries to opt for telling the truth in a gentle way while one of the staff members suggests a white lie as to not worry the fans.

this has also happened before with the korean vs english statement regarding jungkook’s heal injury. the korean explanation stated that it was serious, while the english one explained it more casually. i cannot find the sources currently, but if you look around yourself you can find them. 

bighit.

- keeping supreme boi employed

- forcing jimin and jin to sing in female key in fake love, despite both of them expressing their struggle with reaching such high notes.

- not providing a vocal coach while on tour (jimin had to ask jungkook for advice)

- vocal line still have not got their own studios despite expressing their want for it, yet txt members have their own studios already. source

- members having less and less influence over the groups music. even recently yoongi mentioned that the songs he makes don’t match with bts’ music/style anymore source

- bighit being immensely difficult to work with overseas (strict venue rules regarding staff, changing things last minute, not being time-efficient)

- leaving taehyung’s stage name out of promotional works/promo tweets

- not taking action against death threats made against taehyung

- forcing jimin to speak about his death threats during a live, global interview in korea

- not cleaning up the copyright matter over using michael jackson’s song “black or white” in the festa performance of jimin and jungkook - resulted in their performance being taken down 

- no bangtan bomb behind jimin creating his song “promise”, while recently there have been videos released of jins, jungkooks and taehyung’s solos

- bighit shooting down collaborations and picking and chosing the artists that collab with bts, despite the members wanting and expressing interesting in collaborations with said artist (why did we get a chainsmokers collab before a tinashe one? a khalid one?)

- bighits deal with dispatch. dispatch is known for exposing scandals and relationships among idols, so the fact that they get an exclusive peak into the bangtan life is interesting and rather worrisome.

-however, one of the dirtiest moves that bighit pulled was during the break between DNA and Fake Love. as we know now, that time was very hard for the members. it was in that gap that the members spoke of disbanding, there were rumours/concerns about jungkook’s well being and fans also pointed out taehyung’s odd state.

during this time, instead of allowing the members time and space to decide everything, bighit had applied for the legal copyright regarding everything bts. the group name was copyrighted, as were the members stage names, fandom name among other things (there are articles on naver, if you’re interested).

SPECULATION

i just want to stress that these are my thoughts and you are welcome to disagree and have your own opinions.

Although we know that the members have re-signed the contract with bighit for another 7 years, I do believe that their pens were pushed by bighit’s copyrighting run. the members had 2 choices; either bind yourself to another contract and stay with that which you have built for years, or drop everything and start anew. however, something tells me that bts didn’t sign the contract with no leverage.

namjoon had said previously that although the group started with 7 boys with the same goal, it now consists of 7 men on one boat, each with their eyes set on different horizons. i believe that with namjoon’s collaborations with more and more overseas artists (honne, fall out boy, lil nas x ect), he may have gotten himself more opportunities for solo work.

similar could be said about yoongi. the man is a musical genius and with his production of suran’s wine and heize’s we dont talk together, yoongi may also end up branching in that direction.

taehyung has expressed his interest in fashion and photography a lot over the past years. seokjin has not acted at all in his life, despite starting off to do just that. hoseok began to branch out with CNS but jimin and jungkook have seemingly little to no outside projects, either (though you could count wiom for jungkook)

the boys’ previous contract was, clearly, restricting and very demanding. i think that their new contract allows them a lot more freedom and room to establish a reputation as individuals. that isn’t to say, however, that bighit let the boys end bts as a whole and permitted them to go off and start solo careers.

from what is happening now and what has happened in the past, I do not believe that bighit would let bts disband, you can decide if that is for better or for worse. however, the only way to keep bts together and satisfied, is to give room for the members to do that what they want. i think that we may start to see some more solo projects from the members, and a lot more control and influence from the outside over bts’ music, concepts and management. ever since LY: Tear had been released, i find myself thinking that their next release will be the last one before a mass hiatus due to enlisting. this time, however, i feel like it may be their final release and concert tour before the group steps back for a while.  bighit debuted a new group and is pumping a lot of money into it. they had also recently obtained an entire new company that not only has a lot of trainees of its own, but also manages Gfriend - an already debuted and established group. bighit is no longer the little underground company that relied on 7 boys to bring it out of its debts. however, it will not let its biggest source of income fall away because, at the end of the day, bighit is a company. the most likely scenario, to me, is that once seokjin and/or others enlist, bts as ot7 will go on a break, but bighit will still get to cash in through the boys’ solo work. so, we may see sneak peaks of their solo careers here and there, but bts will remain active as 7 until it can’t no more.

[cold-arrow]

Doctor’s Notes, Entry 35 Book 2 of the Goldenfields group

( current first entry ) Summary things of note since last entry Church, holy symbol. classy restaurant, Silverhand. Travel, Hazel flycatcher, wooden carvings. Triboar, Baras messenger and patron letter, tavern shenans, ghost attack Waterdeep, visiting Lady Silverhand after recuperating at Baras' manor after discussing with the others during breakfast, its been decided that we are gonna head out and leave waterdeep soon. Baras seemed a little low on energy. but Lym and Omrick seemed to be doing fine. Lym in particular seems to have recovered pretty well after the attack. physically atleast. mentally remains a question, but im not much of a therapist. ( reminder number ??  to find myself a therapist) The Manor is fortunately a save place, (atleast for her ) so that atleast should definitely be beneficial to her recovery people were a bit reluctant to leave, which is understandable. same goes for me really. the safety that Baras place provides is quite reassuring, and alleviates my worries a bit. or atleast some of them. tbc dinner conversation was a bit akward but eventually we did make up our mind. I tried to insinuate some of the better points of leaving, even though i dont necessarily agree with myself. it should be good for the others, (curious as to how leaving the manor, or waterdeep, will effect baras' mood? / emotional state?? ) I prepped my things once dinner was finished, and shortly after we headed out. I still would like to do some more research about the plague. the one that killed the one that was contracted by Lym's parents. but research on the spell-plauge will have to wait until we return.  when we left the safe convinces of the Baras estate. everybody, including myself, was a bit nervous so say the least. my own paranoia really messing with my sense of calm. ( will need to up the dose for my medication on that ) the feeling of being followed, or watched, has been even worse ever since the assassination attempt on lym. the idea that anybody in the crowd could make an attempt on our lives is... terrifying. and... I swear i still catch her HeR H3R Her figure from the corner of my eyes.  the walk to the Lord alliance tower took for longer then i was comfortable with. but we did eventually make it. without any incidents to my relief. we decided to check in with the lord alliance before leaving town but unfortunately Lady silverhand was preoccupied so we had to wait a while, to my dismay. waiting was not really a safe idea, out in the open. so we instead opted to go to a nearby restaurant. its been a while since ive been to a place even rometly this fancy. last time probably being when... my father was still alive. it was incredibly expensive. more so then even i am used to but. atleast food was interesting and the wine quite tasteful i suppose. even still have some left. the blood fruit in particular was fascinating the mushrooms as well. but considering their connection to death and the plague... a little less so for lym Omrick does seem to have a taste for mushrooms and interestingly enough Baras opted to join the dinner as well requesting one of the alter potions we;ve been talking and he is interested in a more permanent or extended duration alter self. check project notes for further reference We uhm... also made i trip to the cathedral of the triad. I'm not really sure still how the religious stuff works. hopefully the acquisition of another holy symbol will help protect me from her but that church was kind of nice actually. the priest of Ilmater was very kind. refreshing and soothing almost. he even gave me his own holy symbol. which i dont even know how to repay him for. (note to self. maybe i should make another donation to the church of Ilmater. perhaps that will help. or make me feel better?) i'm definitely gonna be more carefull with this holy symbol to the other ones. I almost feel as if its rude to take it off my neck after we finished our business we got some interesing information from Lady silverhand once she was available ( check notes) and made our way out of Waterdeep our first few days of travel where rather uneventful fortunately. i tried harvesting some ingredients for my Ubi project, but had some difficulty. Also ive been having more dreams at night about running through open fields and meadows which is strange... but nice i suppose. the break from the usual nightmares is certainly welcome. but it seems to be re-occurring more then i expected. I wonder what it means.... if anything  note- the headache has subsided and not recurred after my previous nights rest. i still wonder what the cause was. I couldnt think of any reasons as two why it might have occurred. not any good ones really. will have to keep on eye on myself in that regard.   along our journeys we met a very nice lady by the name Hazel. she was very kind and helped out both as a guide of sorts and with foraging which def made things a bit easier. she was even kind of enough to make us personal wooden carvings, which was incredibly sweet of her. the only way i know of on how to repay her. was by gifting her some of the calming tea blend i purchased from Omrick. hopefully she will enjoy those.  Shortly after parting ways with her, we arrived at Triboar. everybody seems to be in good condition. myself relatively well included. and Lym seems to have recovered well. but she does seem troubled by the area of her scar at times. I do catch her poking the wound. it should have healed over, so there shouldnt be any adverse effects on disrupting the area like that. but will have to ask how she is doing in that regard. if there is any lingering phantom pain Triboar itself is in bad state. fire giants unfortunately attacked the village, and the place sustained quite a bit of damage. after inquiring with some of the locals we eventually made our way to area with the injured. they at first refused my help ( annoyingly so) but after showcasing some of my capabilities with helping Baras mes5enger recover the were quick to accept. the messenger lost his bag, we helped look for it. and Baras now has his letter, which seems to have a positive effect on his mood, curiously enough.  Omrick was swarmed by... fans i suppose is the right word. much to his own dismay it seems. though it seems tiring for all of the party. he doesnt really know how to deal with that kind of attention, which doesnt really help his situation in a positive way. for his mental health, perhaps i should help h1m out by talking to some of the villagers, or would it be wiser to let him learn for himself. could help tell tales that shed him in a good light, and mention that he's not a great storyteller yet and still needs to practice. and that he really knows how to handle the attention yet. we eventually stopped by the tavern the rest for the night. Lym seems much better at dealing with crowds it seems, including children. the village children seems to adore her most of the time, despite the way she looks. her charismatic nature and familiarity with the lower classes do her quite a big favor. creative in her ways of dealing with people, in a variety of w4ys. To my annoyance Omrick and I were given a room together. it seems that uh people are getting the wrong idea of us bunking. the tavern keep included. maybe I should sleep in my own room in taverns. though the prospect of sleeping by myself in a room is not a comforting thought.  he next part is written in shaky messy handwriting, and is somewhat hard to read, with other parts being nearly eligible   She's here. she’s come back . she attacked. she tried to hurt omrick. she went into his body. she tried to hurt me. she told me. she fled, but she told me. omrick tried to get closer. he needs to stay away. get him away from me the next part seems to be written in a different language, however the shaky handwriting is still evident, if not worse oiwajv;aRsievnasodvi;’pw;’nvEidn;’ioeansv’;a’sdvpDineas’vi;onsa;doivnaeiovn;aosHvno;aewsinv;oEasidvnoe;’ianskv’R0pidnve;Roiasnv;oIasvnd;lkjvNas;vieo;Gnaiaovn;oiapia (requires translation)  I cant trust omrick, i need to get away from him, need to get away from Triboar, we need to leave. he needs to stay away. we need to go, we need to go, we need to go. repeat. we need to leave soon. dont sleep, need to stay awake. not sure how long i can but I CANNOT fall asleep right now

[irastayshome]

Ibrahim's birth

Ibrahim arrived in this world on 21st January 2017. Back then, we were lucky to afford a doula because I was hella nervous about the whole birthing process and tbh my head wasnt in the game because of all the stress at work. After the 'hard part' was over, and as I held my son, I vividly remember my doula saying that the easy part was over and the hard part of being a parent has just begun. I thought it was a joke at the time because, well, what could be harder than pushing a 3 kg baby out of your vagina? 2 yrs and 6mths on, I have mentally kicked myself in the head for taking my doula's words lightly. These days, I consider it a win when I do not raise my voice or completely lose my sh** and raise my hands at my son. I keep needing reminders of what it took to get him into this world and the many moments we failed him along the way so that I do not be complacent and mistreat him.

So I thought I might write his birth story down after all. Didn't really wanna remember all the details of something that feels rather insignificant now, but some days at home are just rough and a good reminder is useful.

*

19 January 2017. I had been on maternity leave for a week, but only just completed my case transfers from home. My mamamia had been insisting that I sleep over her place once a week for the last trimester on Hasyali's night shifts. I didnt mind at all, because my r/s with my parents have improved significantly after moving out. Distance is truly necessary sometimes.

It finally dawned upon me that I was due in a week. Being last minute as I always am, I tried to 'catch up' on the squats that my doula/birth educator had been reminding us to do at 9 pm. But really, i was just doing it for fun cause like it would make any difference at 39 weeks, esp since ive been treating my body like crap while handing over my work the last few weeks. Planned to youtube more exercises to speed up labour etc etc but fell into the rabbit hole of "natural birth positions" and "painfree birth vlogs" and before I knew it, I was hooked on the Midwives yt tv series till i fell asleep at 5 am. Damn youtube.

20th January 2017. 7 am. Felt like I ate something so bad and had to do a big one. And so I did, groggily, and went back to sleep. Feeling so smug that I could finally sleep in on a weekday. 9 am. What is going on with my bowels??? Tried to recall what I ate last night, but dont care just sleep after the business. 10.30 am. Sat up and mentally admitted that those horrid pains at the bottom of my tummy could actually be contractions! Trying to keep cool, I ate breakfast quickly, trying to mask my ronyok face each time the tightenings came by because nyayi was there and I just did not wanna tell my family. pretty sure they would have shipped me off to the hospital immediately.

Took cab back at 12.30pm and smsed hubs about the contractions, saying it could potentially be the real thing. But not sure, so I timed them in the cab. 10 mins apart. regular. oh crap its happening. Got home, discovered the bloody show. So yup i got my confirmation. Smsed hubs a photo of it but told him to just take it easy, go solat Jumaat and just slowly pack his bag aftee. He just got off his night shift so he probably hasnt slept at all. Told doula Kak Hajjar about whats going on, and was advised to just relax and walk2 until i cant talk anymore from the pain. Hubs came back, and i took off on a birth walk alone around the estate. Every few mins, I just stopped and breathed deeply, sorely regretting not pestering my hubs to come along bcoz adoi sakit and nothing to squeeze or hold on to. and in the 3 pm sun no less.

Came back, started panicking when i realised hubs belum pack!! what is it with men and last minute packing?? feeling annoyyed bcoz im about to do some serious work but he cant even get started on packing. but ok takpe, got in the shower to cool down and to relieve the pain while he packed. Contractions were now 4 mins apart, but I could still talk. NUH told me to come in now. Doula told me to wait till i cant talk. The kancong me decided to go anyway, worried about the rush hour jam on the start of a weekend.

Arrived at NUH at 6 pm, realising that id skipped lunch. I was hungry, and oh no so damn sleepy bcoz i barely slept the night before! Damn youtube. Ate mr bean pancake with hubs. Met doula who told.me i dont look like its time bcoz i could talk and joke about. I admit i secretly thought that it was because i had a high tolerance for pain hahahaha joke. Entered the delivery ward at 7 pm, was 4 cm dilated. Yay! but wait what, all that pain and only 4 cm? oh no.

So began the longest night of my life. Doulla massaged my back and did hip squeezes through contractions, and I occasionally swayed while standing with hubs. These two were just incredible birth partners. My labour pains were rough at the front, but damn the back labour pains were friggin insane! Felt like maybe I had tentacles trying to burst out of my spine and turn into Doc Ock.

At some point, i remember just saying random supplications and feeling so regretful that i had not rehearsed what selawats I wanted to read in those moments bcoz my head was really jammed up trying to manage the pain. By 3 am my body felt like it had gone through a marathon and i really did fall asleep between contractions out of sheer exhaustion. It was exhausting to just tahan the pain.

By 4 ish am (hazy on the details by now), a VE confirmed I was 9 cm dilated. At this point I was already vomitting and my head hurt so much from tahaning the pain. I remembered thinking, or maybe even saying out loud, that I wanted them to cut the baby out. Im pretty sure I was transitioning at that point but I didnt know bcoz my mind was too panicky. They told me the head was still too high to push, so they offered to burst my waterbag, but said theres no assurance it would bring the head down but wld certainly intensify the contractions. I was pretty sure I would pass out if they intensified, out of exhaustion. and never mind that I was barely able to wake up btwn contractions due to my flu and fever (yes ARGH hate flu during labour). So I refused and waited for news that im fully dilated.

6 am. Still at 9 cm. My head was thinking "how long did Kak Hajjar say transitions lasted again?? takkan lama gini??" This time, my mental strength just gave way. I screamed for an epidural. I remember feeling so terrified that my baby would be stuck while im pushing, because I had zero energy left. Fatigued from the pain and the fever, I pleaded for an epidural again n again. I rmbr my doula, my husband, the nurses all giving me such kind words of support, saying ive gone si far and am at the last lap, and encouraged me to stick to my birth plan of going without medication. But I was too defeated by exhaustion and just wanted to sleep. Hahahaha. Like i literally said "yang, i nak tido" and started to cry.

So they called in the anesthesiologist (dunno the spelling). While he prepped the long-ass needle, I felt a huge gush of warm water down there. My waters broke. At this point I could have just waited for the head to descend, but I was too tired and looking forward to a promised 2 hour rest before pushing. So I kept quiet about it. I was in tears, out of disappointment at myself for not being able to ride out the exhaustion. But my doula was so kind and reminded me that God is the best of planners, and perhaps this was the way for me to achieve a natural birth still and avoid any emergency csection if I could not push. The nurses too were angels, and kept assuring me I had tried really hard for a long time and shouldn't beat myself up. And so I slept. That was the best 2 hour sleep of my life. pretty sure I snored and drooled, in the presence of my doula. Nak kata paiseh but nah I was too tired to care, and all modesty had left the room hours ago.

8 am. Woken up by cheerful nurses who told me it was time to start pushing. I just wanted to sleep in longer, but then I remembered oh ya baby is still inside. That epidural was gooooood. So began pushing. It felt so weird pushing when I cant feel anything moving down there. They had to tell me when to push i.e. when contractions came, and kept telling me I was pushing wrong and i had to do it as how i would when pooping. I suddenly didnt know how pooping felt like anymore. Kept pushing for an hour plus, but apparently the head keeps going back in. My husb and I had affectionately named our foetus "jubjub", just to avoid calling it the baby during the pregnancy. and my doula joked that perhaps the baby keeps going back in bcoz we named him jubjub like the muppet from Hi-5 that likes to peekaboo around. haha that was a good one.

My gynae finally came in around 9.30 am ish. She told me that I had to do an episiotomy to help push the baby out. My husband stopped her and told her to let me continue trying. But eventually she kept persisting and my husband apparently could not tahan seeing me push so hard anymore (he said the veins on my face look like they were gonna burst). So he agreed. The moment she cut, I pushed and felt the head empty out of me. I thought that was weird cause I was on epidural, but apparently they reduced the dose while pushing. A few more pushes later, I heard it. Ibrahim's first cries. The nurses and my doula congratulating me. My husband telling me I did it and he was proud of me. But mainly, Ibrahim's cries. 21st January 2017, at 10.03am.

They placed him on my chest. I cried. and cried. And i thought he was the most perfect thing I could ever hold in this world.

Dearest Ibrahim, a mother can love her husband out of choice, but theres simply no choice in this love I have for you. It is so raw and intense and relentless, that Im so consumed by it from the moment I held you. There are days, now, when I feel your anger towards me because I am so hard on you, especially since im not very good at coping with the two of you. But I hope you never feel that I love you any less when I get angry. and I hope you truly forgive me when you give me a hug after I apologise each time for beating you. You deserve so much better, and i'll keep striving to be a better mother to you and adik.

Ok bye. Am gonna cry my eyes out now. Damn birth stories.