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themedicalstate · 3 years ago

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What’s Keeping You Up at Night?

According to recent studies, the number of people complaining of insomnia skyrocketed during the pandemic, rising from 20 percent of adults last summer to nearly 60 percent in March.

Your trickiest sleep questions, answered by the experts.

1. Sometimes I am physically tired but can’t fall asleep. How is that possible?

This is what’s known as the tired but wired syndrome. Usually, it’s driven by stress and anxiety. Even if you’re exhausted, a racing mind can activate the “fight or flight” branch of your nervous system, making you alert and unable to fall asleep. “For us to fall asleep and stay asleep, we need to go in the opposite nervous system direction,” said Matthew Walker, a professor of neuroscience and psychology at the University of California, Berkeley, and the author of the best-selling book “Why We Sleep.” “We need to shift over to the calming branch of the nervous system called the parasympathetic nervous system.”

If you have this experience night after night, you’ll want to do relaxation exercises before bed to quell your stress and anxiety, such as breathing exercises, progressive muscle relaxation or guided meditation, which we’ll discuss in more detail below.

2. When I put my head down at night, my thoughts and heart start racing. How can I quiet my mind and body and fall asleep?

One of the best ways to calm your mind before bed is by doing meditation. In a 2014 study published in the journal Sleep, researchers split 54 people with chronic insomnia into groups and assigned some of them to practice mindfulness meditation. The others served as a control group. After eight weeks, the researchers found that the people assigned to practice meditation gained nearly 45 extra minutes of sleep each night, while the control group showed almost no change. The meditation group had substantial reductions in the overall severity of their insomnia. After six months, between 40 percent and 50 percent of people practicing meditation were in “remission” from their insomnia, the researchers reported.

If you struggle with insomnia, the best time to do meditation is at night, said Dr. Walker. “Practicing meditation throughout the day but particularly in the evening seems to have a beneficial effect,” he said. “It helps people fall asleep faster, and they report superior quality of sleep.” If you’ve never tried meditation, don’t fret: A number of popular meditation apps have entire sections devoted to sleep, such as Calm, Headspace and Insight Timer. Most of these guided mediation apps offer free versions and trial periods, as well as premium versions that you can access with a subscription.

3. I’ve tried meditation without success. What else can I do?

Another way to calm your mind is to start a worry journal. Every night, an hour or two before you go to bed, write down the concerns or anxieties that are bothering you. Studies have found that this practice helps protect mental health and reduces the time it takes to fall asleep. One reason it works is that it’s a form of catharsis. In today’s busy world, people rarely have time to stop and reflect. For some people, the only time that they get a chance to engage in quiet contemplation is when their head hits the pillow at night. “That’s the last time you should be doing reflection,” said Dr. Walker. “It leads to rumination, and at that point you’re not going to be in good shape for sleep.”

4. I often fall asleep and wake up 15 minutes later feeling anxious and short of breath. My chest feels tight, my mind races and my skin tingles. Why does this happen?

There are a couple likely causes, said Dr. Bhanu Prakash Kolla, an associate professor of psychiatry and a consultant at the Center for Sleep Medicine at the Mayo Clinic. One explanation could be that you have sleep apnea. People with this condition tend to snore loudly and gasp for air at night because the muscles in the back of their throats relax so much that they constrict their airways. When your brain senses you’ve stopped breathing, it goes into “fight or flight” mode, causing a surge in heart rate, blood pressure and adrenaline. This can jolt you awake and make you feel panicked, explaining the anxiety and shortness of breath you describe.

Another possibility, said Dr. Kolla, is that you have panic disorder. People who have this condition often experience sudden, intense bouts of dread and terror that strike out of the blue. When these episodes occur during sleep they are known as nocturnal panic attacks. If you do indeed have sleep apnea or a panic disorder, there are treatments that can help. But you should see a primary care doctor or sleep specialist to get a proper diagnosis, said Dr. Kolla.

5. I need help falling asleep. What’s the safest sleep supplement I can take?

One of the safest and best studied sleep supplements is melatonin, a hormone that helps people fall asleep faster and stay asleep longer. Melatonin has minimal side effects and isn’t habit-forming, said Dr. Kolla. But there is a caveat. If you have an underlying disorder that’s keeping you up at night, such as sleep apnea, restless legs syndrome or panic disorder, then taking melatonin won’t address the root cause of your insomnia.

6. If I decide to take melatonin, how do I know which brand of supplement to buy?

Dietary supplements are not subject to strict government oversight, and as a result, consumers do not always get what they pay for. A study published in the Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine found that the content of more than 70 percent of melatonin supplements varied widely from their label claims, with the concentration of melatonin in the bottles ranging from 83 percent less than the amount listed on the label to more than 470 percent.

To avoid being scammed, look for products that carry a “USP Verified” seal, which means that it’s been vetted by the United States Pharmacopeial Convention, an independent group that sets high standards for medicines and supplements. Companies whose melatonin supplements carry the label include Nature Made and Natrol. You can also look for products that carry a blue and white seal provided by NSF International, another group that vets dietary supplements and their ingredients.

Lastly, Consumberlab.com and Labdoor routinely test and publish reports on dietary supplements.

7. I keep hearing that cannabis can help me sleep better. Is that true?

Cannabis has gained a reputation as a sleep aid, but evidence is limited on whether it actually works. One problem is that cannabis comes in different strains, and each contains varying amounts of compounds such as THC, its primary psychoactive component, and cannabidiol, popularly known as CBD. Researchers are still trying to determine whether certain strains or compounds may be good for sleep and others less so.

Some studies have found that cannabis helps people fall asleep faster, but there are concerns that it might also cause disruptions by suppressing slow wave sleep, which is the deep, restorative kind. Some experts liken it to alcohol. “It may help you doze off, but it doesn’t mean that you’re going to get better quality sleep throughout the night,” said Dr. Fariha Abbasi-Feinberg, a spokeswoman for the American Academy of Sleep Medicine and the medical director of sleep medicine at Millennium Physician Group in Florida

In a report published in the journal of Sleep Medicine Reviews, researchers looked at 39 different studies involving the effects of cannabis on sleep. They found that cannabis generally did not affect the amount of sleep that people got, and they concluded that it was probably most helpful as a sleep aid for people who use it to alleviate medical conditions that keep them awake at night, like chronic pain.

One recent study concluded that there was “insufficient evidence to support routine clinical use of cannabinoid therapies for the treatment of any sleep disorder.” And the American Academy of Sleep Medicine published a position statement discouraging people from using cannabis for sleep apnea, warning that there was “insufficient evidence of effectiveness, tolerability and safety.”

Still, many people swear by CBD and other cannabis products for insomnia. Dr. Abbasi-Feinberg does not necessarily discourage patients who believe it works for them. “I tell folks that if it helps you and there are no side effects, then take it,” she added. “But there’s just not enough research out there for me to recommend that someone take it for their insomnia.”

8. Can my weight affect the quality of my sleep?

Yes. Being overweight can fuel poor sleep because it promotes soft tissue development in your throat, which increases your risk for sleep apnea. The good news is studies also show that shedding excess weight can lead to “significant and clinically relevant” improvements in sleep apnea. Studies also show that losing sleep can itself lead directly to weight gain: It increases levels of ghrelin, the so-called hunger hormone, decreases leptin, the “satiety hormone,” and causes people to consume more snacks and high-calorie junk foods throughout the day.

This brings up an important factor that is often overlooked in how well people sleep: Their diet. We know from studies that diets high in sugar, saturated fat and simple carbs — think donuts, pizza, cheeseburgers and sugary drinks and snacks — are linked to both weight gain and poor sleep. Instead of eating junk foods, fill your plate with foods high in protein, fiber and unsaturated fat, fish, fruits, vegetables, nuts, olive oil and avocados. These foods have been shown to promote good sleep. If you suffer from insomnia, then consider adding more complex carbs to your diet, such as beans, whole grains, sweet potatoes, quinoa and oatmeal. Studies show that eating complex carbs can help you fall asleep faster. But sugar, white bread, pastries and other processed carbs can cause more frequent wake-ups throughout the night.

9. How does the temperature of my bedroom affect my sleep?

For thousands of years, humans could count on one constant in their lives: Every single day the sun rises, and at night it falls. As a result, our bodies follow a 24-hour circadian rhythm that governs many of our metabolic and physiological processes, including our body temperatures, which rise in the morning and fall at night. This decrease in body temperature at night helps initiate sleep, which is one reason people tend to toss and turn when their bedrooms are too hot or humid. A higher body temperature makes it difficult to drift off, and it can disrupt the quality of your slumber, causing you to experience less slow-wave sleep, also known as deep sleep.

10. So what temperature should I keep my bedroom for optimal sleep?

Studies have found that the best temperature for sleep is quite cool, around 60 to 68 degrees Fahrenheit.

11. What’s the best way to keep my bedroom cool — besides using a fan or air conditioner?

One way that your body lowers its temperature at night is by sending heat from your core to your hands and feet through a process known as vasodilation, a relaxation of the blood vessels that increases blood flow to the extremities. You can facilitate this process by wearing warm socks at night. It might seem paradoxical, but warm socks will help to pull heat from your core to your extremities, said Dr. Sabra Abbott, an assistant professor of neurology in sleep medicine at the Northwestern University Feinberg School of Medicine in Chicago.

Second, stop exercising at least a few hours before bedtime, as this could raise your body temperature and make it harder to fall asleep.

And lastly, the next time you purchase a new mattress, look for one that helps cool you down at night. “If you go mattress shopping, you’re going to see that a lot of them specify whether they ‘sleep cool,’ ’” Dr. Abbott said. “They have technology that helps to dissipate heat at night.” For help finding a mattress with cooling technology, read the Wirecutter article “The Best Mattresses for 2021.”

12. I’m a bad sleeper and so were my parents. Do my genes affect how I sleep?

Yes, in several ways. First, we know that there’s a genetic basis for your circadian rhythm, which determines whether you’re a night owl, a morning person or somewhere in between, said Dr. Walker. If you sleep in a way that goes against your biology — for example, a night owl who stays up late and then has to wake up early for work — that could hamper both the quality and the quantity of your sleep.

Your genes also influence how much time you spend in the different stages of sleep. Some genetic variants appear to increase a person’s “slow-wave” stage of sleep, which is important for memory consolidation. Your genes can influence your risk of sleep disorders such as restless legs syndrome, which causes significant sleep disruptions. And they play a role in insomnia, the most common of all sleep disorders: Studies of twins have found that there’s a strong hereditary component to insomnia, especially among women. So if one or both of your parents routinely grappled with sleepless nights, then it may be in your DNA.

13. Do women have more difficulty sleeping than men?

Generally speaking, yes. Studies show that women are about 40 percent more likely to suffer from insomnia than men. There are a lot of reasons for this. Part of it is genetics. Some of it is related to hormonal fluctuations that occur during the menstrual cycle, pregnancy and menopause. And another reason is that women have higher rates of depression and anxiety. Studies show that women are twice as likely as men to develop these mental health conditions, which are two of the major causes of insomnia.

14. I’m approaching menopause and my sleep is worse than ever. What can I do?

Sleep disruptions are one of the most common symptoms of perimenopause, the final years of a woman’s reproductive life, just before menopause, when her period stops. During this time, periods become irregular and reproductive hormones rise and fall sharply, causing hot flashes, night sweats and other symptoms that can rouse women from their sleep or prevent them from dozing off. Making matters worse, these symptoms can last for many years, beginning in perimenopause and continuing long after menopause. One study found that women, on average, experienced hot flashes for five years after menopause, and a third of women continued having them as long as a decade after menopause.

This can spell disaster for sleep. Another study found that more than 80 percent of women with severe hot flashes suffered from sleepless nights. Over all, the study found, about 37 percent of women over 35 who had regular menstrual cycles had insomnia. But among women who were perimenopausal, the rate soared to 57 percent, and after menopause it reached roughly 51 percent. “I take care of a lot of women in their 50s who were fairly good sleepers until they went through the hormonal changes,” said Dr. Abbasi-Feinberg.

But there are some things that can help. If your sleep troubles are related to menopause, then hormonal treatments could make it easier to get a good night’s rest, said Dr. Abbasi-Feinberg. Certain antidepressant medications such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors can also help, as can some forms of alternative medicine. One study found that four weeks of acupuncture reduced anxiety and prevented sleep awakenings in people with insomnia. If stress and anxiety are contributing to your sleep troubles, then another potential solution is cognitive behavioral therapy.

15. My sleep is always abysmal when I’m getting my period. Why does this happen?

First off, you’re not alone. While cramps, bloating and mood swings are some of the most common signs that your period is coming, many women also experience insomnia, nightmares and frequent awakenings. Women with premenstrual syndrome are twice as likely as other women to have insomnia. And about seven in 10 women who have a more severe form of PMS called premenstrual dysphoric disorder, or PMDD, routinely struggle to get a good night’s sleep in the days before their period.

So what gives? Cramps, muscle pain and headaches can wreak havoc on a woman’s sleep. Plus it is normal for core body temperature to rise during menstruation, which makes it harder to doze off. On top of that, the abrupt rise and fall of progesterone, estrogen and other hormones during a woman’s period can influence her circadian rhythm and alter the different stages of her sleep, worsening her sleep quality. Women with severe premenstrual syndrome have also been shown to secrete lower levels of melatonin, the hormone that ushers us to sleep at night.

So what can you do? For starters, if you use birth control pills, consider whether they’re impacting your sleep. Some research indicates that women who use hormonal contraceptives experience more insomnia and daytime sleepiness than women who are not on the pill. On the other hand, some experts speculate that certain contraceptives, particularly those that contain progestin only, might actually help with insomnia. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of data on how contraceptives may impact sleep, but it may be worth discussing their potential impact on sleep with your doctor.

Second, there are things you can try besides sleep medications. Cognitive behavioral therapy, which can help ease stress and anxiety, is one of the best ways to combat insomnia. Another treatment for sleep problems called bright light therapy has been shown to help women with severe PMS. Scientists are not exactly sure why light treatment works. But it involves using a light box to get regular exposure to artificial light, which affects melatonin as well as the hypothalamus, a region in the brain that regulates mood and sleep. You can learn about the best light therapy lamps in this article from Wirecutter.

Lastly, focus on your sleep hygiene in the days before you get your period. Avoid alcohol, which can affect hormone levels and stir you awake at night. Keep a strict sleep schedule, going to bed and waking up at the same time every day. Don’t overdo it on caffeine, and be sure to exercise daily, which can help promote a smoother night of slumber.

16. Will a nap help me “catch up” on sleep or just contribute to my insomnia?

In general, if you struggle with insomnia, you should not nap during the day to catch up. It’s better to skip the nap so you’ll actually be sleepy by the time your normal bedtime rolls around. Think of it like a pressure cooker. By avoiding naps, you let the pressure of your sleepiness build throughout the day. But taking a nap is like opening the pressure valve and releasing some of the steam. As a result, you won’t have as much pressure to fall asleep when you get into bed at night. If you don’t struggle with insomnia, then daytime naps should be fine. In fact, there are some studies that suggest that naps might be beneficial for cardiovascular and brain health.

17. If I do nap, should I keep it short? Is napping in the afternoon bad?

If you nap, then follow a few rules. First, don’t nap after 2 p.m., because that will make it harder to fall asleep at night. “Napping too late in the day is like snacking before your main meal: You take the edge off that good night of sleep,” said Dr. Walker. Second, when you do nap, try not to nap for longer than 20 minutes. That will prevent your brain from going into the deeper stages of sleep. By doing this you'll avoid sleep inertia, “which is almost like a sleep hangover that comes from naps,” said Dr. Walker. “It can make you feel worse for the first hour after the nap relative to how you felt before.”

18. My partner snores so loudly that it constantly wakes me up. How can I sleep soundly with a noisy bed mate?

“This is one of the most common questions that I get,” said Dr. Abbasi-Feinberg. “Quite frequently, patients are brought in not because they themselves think there’s an issue but because their bed partner thinks there’s an issue.”

Snoring itself is not necessarily a medical problem. But it can be a sign of sleep apnea or another underlying sleep disorder. Your best bet is to encourage your partner to see a sleep specialist or primary care doctor for an evaluation.

19. What else can I do? I have tried using ear plugs but they are uncomfortable.

If your partner is unwilling or unable to see a doctor, then you should do everything you can to make your sleep environment as comfortable as possible. Try a white noise machine. Often, it is not just the loudness of the snoring that wakes people up but the rising and falling sound of the snoring, or crescendo and decrescendo, which a white noise machine can help to mitigate. “Sometimes, that change in tone is what bothers people, not so much that the snoring is constant,” said Dr. Abbasi-Feinberg.

You can encourage your partner to sleep on his or her side, which helps reduce snoring and apnea episodes. There are devices that can help with this, which you can read about in our Guide to Sleep Apnea. Another thing you can do is buy small earbuds that fit snugly in your ears, which may be more comfortable than what you’re currently using. You can also buy an adjustable bed and raise the upper portion of your partner’s side, which may reduce their snoring. You can find some of the best adjustable beds in this guide from Wirecutter.

Lastly, if nothing is working, then you may just have to sleep in separate rooms. “I’m not a big fan of people sleeping separately because there is sometimes a loss of intimacy,” said Dr. Abbasi-Feinberg. “But if it’s so bad that you can’t sleep, then having separate sleeping arrangements can be helpful.”

20. I’ve had some of the most bizarre dreams of my life this pandemic year. I’ve heard that a lot of people are having more nightmares. Why is that?

Weird and unusual dreams were certainly an element of “Coronasomnia,” the cluster of sleep problems tied to the pandemic. Studies found that people across the globe reported more vivid dreams than usual, often involving the threat of Covid-19. Most dreaming occurs during the stage of sleep known as REM, or rapid eye movement, which gets progressively longer throughout the night and into the morning. The later you sleep, the more REM sleep — and thus the more dreams — you are likely to experience. Combine high anxiety levels with the fact that people tended to sleep a little longer and later than usual this past year, and it may be no surprise that our dreams seemed to get stranger.

But dreams, even bizarre ones, have an upside. They act as therapy, helping us process stressful events like those of the past year so we can recall them without reliving the fraught emotions that were involved, said Dr. Walker. Some studies have found that experiencing more intense and emotional dreams during traumatic events can help protect people from depression. “Dreaming acts like a nocturnal soothing balm,” said Dr. Walker. “It takes sharp edges off the painful sting of difficult emotional experiences so they don’t feel as painful anymore. You’ll still have memories of the emotional event. But it’s no longer emotional itself because REM sleep has come along and stripped the bitter emotional rind from the informational memory orange, as it were.”

By Anahad O'Connor (The New York Times). Illustrations by Max Guther. Produced by Jaspal Riyait and Eden Weingart.

#science #medicine #academia #neuroscience #health #mental health #medblr

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fandom-monium · 4 years ago

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For the Holidays - Part 5

Summary: In which there is no forgiveness or grudges. Only chance. “Okay, let’s try.”

WC: 1.3k

Tags/Warnings: Spencer Reid x GN!Reader, fake-dating, pining (so much pining), fluff, slight angst but not from unnecessary trauma, emotional-support Reader, reunion arc, song fic, FINAL PART

I can deal with the bad nights When I'm with my baby, yeah Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

“So, what’s the plan?”

Spencer runs a hand through his hair. “I’m not sure.”

He really isn’t. But that’s because he isn’t thinking.

It’s not often a brilliant mind like Spencer’s, usually if not always running, finds itself in a deep lull. For once, he’s not contemplating his next step or calculating how to get the best possible outcome. He’s not sprinting to be productive.

He’s just… existing.

What a rarity.

In the dark, deserted library time has slowed to a stop. If cheery holiday tunes and the murmur of guests didn't continue to float down the halls, it's almost like you're in your own little time pocket. He imagines this is an alternate reality, one consisting of only the two of you; there's no unsubs to hurt you or tear you apart, rip you away from each other when you’re just within reach. It’s just the two of you, existing together.

Add the catharsis of crying and you warm against his side, it's the perfect sedative. He's completely lethargic.

He wouldn’t want to be anywhere else.

Unfortunately, no matter how much he wants to stay, all good things come to an end. Your little bubble pops when thunder crackles outside.

You watch him carefully. "Are you... ready to head back?"

Spencer nearly gives himself whiplash, snapping his head to you. You wince, not needing to see his face, hearing the betrayal in his voice. "What? Why would I want to go back?”

“Hey, it’s just a suggestion,” You put your hands up in defense, voice thoughtful as you shrug. “We did come for a reason, and here they are on a silver platter. I know it's not going exactly as you imagined it but—”

“Are you saying I should forgive them?” Forgive comes in a hiss.

You grimace. “What? No, that's not what I was saying. You heard Alexa.”

He glances away, and he knows you catch the slight turn of his head because you’re a profiler and you’re trained. He’s embarrassed; he’d been blindsided, disoriented, by his own rage and confusion that he couldn’t register anything passed ‘sorry’.

Understandable. You’d probably go into shock too if your childhood bullies dropped the retribution bomb over a decade later.

You continue, “Well if you'd been listening, you'd know they want to try to get to know you. Or at least understand you? I kind of get where they're coming from, but I don't think it'll do harm to give them a chance."

After a moment of deliberation, Spencer groans, "How is it between the two of us, you're the voice of reason?"

"Ha ha. Just because you're the genius doesn't make you always right."

"I never said I am!"

"Yeah but you were thinking it. Now come on, let's head back," You stand up and offer your hand. There’s a flash of lightning, and for a second he catches your eyes, steadfast and dancing in the dark. Maybe you didn’t give him an award-winning pep-talk, but the way you look at him makes him feel like he can survive the night at least.

You make him feel strong.

Here you are, in this dusty library. He’s had two break downs since arriving and you didn’t even blink.

You’ve matched him step for step, never faltering.

Another streak flashes from the window, and your lips curl into a shadow of a smile. "Operation: Holidate is a go."

Maybe. Just maybe he can match yours.

Yes. If he can survive tonight, everything will be fine. It’s the least he can do, making you come all this way. Make your time here worth while.

And who knows? He might actually gain something from all this.

Taking your hand, Spencer gives in and you pull him up. He lets you guide him back to the entrance, your footsteps echoing through the hall as you make your way to the gym, music pounding over the rumbling thunder.

He doesn't let go. If you're bothered you say nothing.

—

"So Holidate? Is that what you're calling this?"

“Okay, you know what, Doctor? I’d like to see you come up with a better name.”

“Well—”

“That doesn’t involve some obscure reference to literature or philosophy or Star Trek.”

“Actually, I was going to suggest-”

“Or Doctor Who.”

“... Holidate it is.”

—

Christmas music fills the gym. The night has turned the elegance of the reunion into a nightclub as people dance with drunken laughter and off-key singing, and as far as you can tell, the group hadn't left the table, shouting over the music and exchanging hesitant looks. They have the decency to stand as you approach.

Spencer clutches your hand and you squeeze it. He squeezes back.

Harper opens her mouth, "Reid—"

"Before you say anything," Spencer clears his throat, gathering his thoughts. "I'm... sorry for what I said before. Not that it didn't need to be said, but I could have worded things better and I shouldn't have lashed out the way I did." Brown eyes harden, distrustful and terrified. "Did you mean what you said before? About making amends and trying to become friends?"

With a collective murmur, they nod, "Yes."

"And you understand I don't have to accept your apology. That I don't have to forgive you?"

"Yes, of course."

Pain flits across Alexa, Harper, and the team's faces, expressions grim. As if they don't like the possibility he won't forgive them but know better than to argue. That he at least has the right. Good.

Spencer's eyes roam over them. And under tinted lights he sees them. He doesn’t feel like he’s been dropped back in time. He's no longer twelve and they're no longer teenagers. Formal dresses and suits don’t seem as strange on them anymore. His suit doesn't feel like it hangs off him, suddenly fitting, the watch over his sleeve nice and snug around his wrist, and his slacks less baggy.

They're adults; they've learned from their mistakes and are mature enough to own up to them. Mature enough to confront them.

Spencer swallows, takes a breath, before gripping your hand tighter. The storm roars above you, drowned out by With You This Christmas.

"Okay. Let's try."

Strange, the words leaving his lips a weight lifting off their shoulders. There's sighs of relief, and you take your seats at the table.

He feels your hand shift in his. You haven't let go since you dragged him out the library, his safe haven—God, how he misses it already—and his heart sighs as your thumb circles the back of his hand comfortingly.

So what if it's awkward? So what if it's uncomfortable and tense? So what if he wants to make a dash for the nearest exit?

Spencer knows this will be hard, the road to forgiveness. A part of him doesn't even want to try.

But as you meet his eyes and give him a reassuring smile, seemingly unbothered by his sweaty palms, Spencer tries to relax. Under your warm gaze every muscle, every part of him wound tight like a spring trap ready to go off seems to release.

You look at him like he can carry the world on his shoulders. If you asked him to, he certainly would try.

And he realizes it won't be so bad because you're here. You are here, you have no intention of leaving, and he has your full support.

Spencer can't think of a better person he'd rather have his back. No matter what happens, it'll be fine, as long as he's by your side.

Even if it’s just for the holidays.

AN: Status: Finished - 5/5. Open ending unlocked.

Yes, I did drop that title.

I remember bopping to I Don’t Care by Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber and thinking this would be a good song fic for Spencer if he went to his hs reunion. Then this baby came along. Initially, it was supposed to be a one-shot but after 8k i thought it was better as a mini series.

I’m quite proud, leaving the ending open. Whether he forgives them or not is up to yall.

The fake dating was always a bi-product to the plot! This was supposed to be about confronting his past okay.

Thank you for reading! See you in my next mini series!!

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #mgg x reader #matthew gray gubler x reader #mgg x y/n #mgg imagine #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid #matthew gray gubler x oc #matthew gray gubler imagine #mgg fic #mgg fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x y/n #criminal minds x oc #criminal minds

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marmolady · 4 years ago

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Homecoming: Part Three

Continued from PART ONE and PART TWO

Main Pairings: Estela x (f)MC, Graleister, Variego

Summary: Endless Ending. It's the final leg of Taylor and Estela's journey; taking them to Northbridge and old friends... but leaving others behind.

Word Count: 5905

Chronology: After ’The New Taylor’ and ’A Ride to Remember’, sort of midway through ’Inheritance’.

Tagging: @saivilo, @edgydepressedchoicesthot, @sceptilemasterr, @greengroove @mauvecatfic

Thanks for reading!

The echoey halls of the long-since abandoned Celestial rang with grunts and the deafening blows of metal against concrete, marble and glass. The figure of one Estela Montoya-- sledgehammer in hand-- emerged from the billowing clouds of dust, pausing her onslaught only to check in with her wife, who’d been exerting herself more than Estela was completely comfortable with.

Taylor stood up straight, panting, and wiped sweat from her brow. The slight tremble to her knees did not go unnoticed.

“Mi amor, I think you’re done.”

“Done?” Taylor heaved. “I’m no-- yeah, I’m done. I am officially….” She leaned against a wall, and let her baseball bat clatter to the fall. “I’m officially… all emotionally-released out.”

“I’m happy to hear that, cariña.” Estela put her free arm around Taylor, steadying her. “How about I pull up a chair for you so you can keep me company until I’m done?”

“I would like that a lot.”

Soon, Taylor was peacefully reclining on a deck chair brought from the poolside, and sipping a drink from a coconut, while Estela kept up her demolition crusade around her.

Taking down the old resort was a laborious process, one that had begun many months ago when the Catalysts first began stripping the hotel of anything that could be utilised in the small village that had become their sanctuary at the end of the world. Soon after Taylor, Estela, Jake, Grace and Aleister returned to the island, the resort had been gone over with a fine-toothed comb, with anything to be saved carefully removed for safe keeping. Now, what remained of the resort was ripe for a smashing, and once Iris had identified load-bearing structures to be careful of, the bare bones of the once grand Celestial was the site of a purge of a thousand pent-up emotions. There had never been any doubt to Taylor that such an opportunity for catharsis would do the world of good for Estela… but she hadn’t anticipated just how much she herself had needed to expel from her body in screaming blow after screaming blow. She could not begin to count how many times she’d closed her eyes and seen the people she loved murdered at the hands of Everett Rourke… to set fire to every last piece of trace of his awful smug face had the effect of leaving her feeling about ten tonnes lighter. It was everything she’d needed, and as she laid back and watched Estela smash through her own demons, she had to hope… this would be a corner turned for them both.

“Hey….”

Taylor turned her head, and grinned at the sight of Diego cautiously coming towards her.

“Hey!”

“There’s no, uh… debris flying around here is there?”

“Ha. I think you’re safe for now. Estela would have me in a hard-hat if there was any danger.”

Unable to argue with that logic, Diego sat down in the space Taylor made for him beside her.

“I’m just, you know… watching ‘Stel catharting.”

“Yeah, I can see that. Your eyes are bugging right out your head.”

Taylor shrugged and relaxed back in her chair, her gaze still following Estela as she flexed her muscles… which were on fine display beneath a thin tank top. “It’s a nice view; what of it?”

Diego chuckled. “Oh, nothing; nothing at all. Your face is just an absolute picture.”

Every now and then, Estela would glance over her shoulder, and-- sure enough-- Taylor would still be looking at her with the most ridiculous exaggerated heart eyes. God, how Estela loved that dork. Happy that Taylor was taking a well-earned rest, she could focus on her renewed onslaught; slamming into walls, structures… and any little thing that carried that cursed name.

A gargantuan crash had Estela rush to the vast kitchens. The air was thick with dust, already coating the once sparkling bench-tops.

“Grace?”

She needn’t have worried. The woman who emerged from the dust clouds carried a look of determined strength and fierce confidence.

Grace pulled down her earmuffs, her expression softening as she met eyes with Estela. “I didn’t scare you? I, um….” She chuckled bashfully. “I think I had something big and angry I had to get out my system… and it was a little bigger and angrier than I anticipated.”

Estela gave a small nod. “Fair. Things things can just… take over you.”

She knew from experience what that could do to a person. And she had an indelible mark upon her face to prove it.

“Well,” she said, “if you need to talk or anything… I’m maybe not the best at that kind of thing, but I’m here, okay?”

Grace smiled broadly, genuinely touched. “Thank you. And so you know, the offer extends the other way as well.”

It seemed pretty inevitable that old hurts are going to come up amidst all this releasing of pent-up emotion. Surrounded by support, it was a challenge that could be faced. Estela was certain that whatever poison bubbled to the surface, whatever old hurt took her by surprise, it would not be her burden to carry alone. She shook herself back into the zone, and in one fell swoop, took out the last support holding up the bar, which crumbled with a satisfying crack. It felt good. And so, she continued smashing out her demons… whilst remaining just close enough that she could run to Grace’s aid should she get in too deep.

Slowly but surely, Estela got back into her rhythm. Letting herself feel, and hurt… and then letting everything come pouring out.

With a guttural roar, she brought the hammer down hard. Again… and again. For everything Rourke had done…. For the hope for a safe future the bastard had dangled in front of Estela’s mother. For how callously he’d brutally ended that kind, intelligent, beautiful life, then turned around and talked of love. How even when his own demise was inevitable, the sadistic determination he’d had to make his last act the one of killing Taylor. For all those terrible nights Estela had been woken up by her poor wife screaming over deaths at his hands playing out before her, again and again. That demon had blighted every single person he touched. Lies… cruelty… and in his wake a bloody trail. Oh, but if he could see his precious Celestial now… that wicked smug satisfaction would be wiped clean off his disgusting face. Faster, harder, Estela threw herself behind every blow, letting out everything… the hatred gushing forth deep and profound, an all-encompassing whirl that her straining body could barely keep up with.

Her chest heaved. Her arms ached. As Estela watched the last rubble fall around her, a deep exhale took with her breath the emotional torment that had for so long existed in her like a sickness. She closed her eyes, and lay down the sledgehammer. She’d yelled her voice hoarse; her throat burned, and she had no screams left to yell. Slowly, panting heavily while tears and sweat still dripped from her face, she collected herself... taking in the sounds of water spraying from a burst pipe, and the aggressive grunts coming from the kitchen, where Grace was clearly still working through some stuff.

“Stupid… blasted… counter…!”

“Are you okay in there, Grace?”

There was a pause in the frustrated bellowing, then came the voice that seemed too absurdly gentle to have come from the very same person.

“I think I’ve discovered the limit to my own strength.”

Thinking she might as well lend a hand, Estela picked up her hammer and-- carefully maneuvering herself over the mess she’d wrought-- made her way back to the kitchen. Out of the corner of her eye, she caught Furball snuffling around through the debris-- more than likely, he’d come in with Fenix, who’d been following Taylor around. Estela gave a low whistle.

“Are you going to be helpful? I’m sure Grace will appreciate it.”

“Mrrp!” Furball cocked his head, looking worriedly at the tear-tracks upon Estela’s face. “Prr?”

Well, that’s kinda sweet. Estela knelt down and gave the little blue fox a reassuring scritch behind the ears, then pulled up her singlet to wipe her face. “It’s all right. I’m all right. Sometimes feeling things is good for you, you know?” Then she stood up, again all action. “Come on, then.”

“You’re, uh, having a little trouble, then?” she asked as she rounded the door.

Grace, taken by surprise, jumped about a foot in the air.

“Oh!” She laughed. “You just about gave me a heart attack!”

“Sorry. I’ve been told I have a bad habit of sneaking up on people.”

“I wouldn’t say it’s a bad habit. I’ve had much worse surprises, I can tell you.” Grace tapped a sturdy steel counter with the hammer she’d been using to smash up the kitchen. “You caught me trying and failing to take out my feelings on this hapless counter. But it looks like even my feelings about my mother aren’t cutting the mustard-- and I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t calculated the most efficient angle of attack.”

Estela couldn’t help but snort a laugh. “You do always think things through. Here,” she said, offering her heavy sledgehammer. “Between you, this baby, and Furball, I think you should be able to smash out a few more feelings.”

Grace took a moment to study her sister-in-law’s face, and it didn’t take long to ascertain that Estela wasn’t just doing fine… she looked really… very well. Lighter maybe. She grinned. This little foray into demolition had been exactly what the doctor ordered.

“I’ll certainly try.”

It was getting dark by the time Estela and Grace-- and Furball-- retreated back to the entrance foyer, ready to leave behind The Celestial for good. Aleister was having a nasty cut on his forehead seen to by Taylor, who had with her the miracle ointment made from the healing leaves.

This, Estela supposed, was what happened when you weren’t quite careful enough about where you directed a lifetime’s worth of anger. And exactly why she’d kept a close eye on Grace… some people just don’t have the competence to throw around a heavy bludgeon.

“Oh, Al, sweetheart!”

Estela forced herself not to roll her eyes, no matter how excessive the fuss. A bit of care and affection had done wonders for Aleister’s disposition, and she was not about to challenge it… especially when she was pretty sure she acted a damn fool herself when the love-goggles were on.

“I, uh,” he muttered, his cheeks pinkening with unmissable delight as Grace took him in her arms, “seem to have clocked myself about the head in an attempt at putting a poker through one of my father’s portraits. The mind boggles… how many images he needed of his own smug face in here….”

“I’m guessing Jake’s still off making sure we got them all?” The absence of the final member of the group had struck Estela-- the lack of snarky remarks and stupid nicknames was glaring. With his intended surrender to authorities looming, and along with it the inevitable facing up to Mike’s family, Jake would be feeling… a lot. If he needed space, his friends would give it, no questions asked.

Diego’s eyes were puffy, and Taylor’s soft with clear concern for her friend. But, of course, how could Diego be even remotely all right? That Estela was seeing him at all was something of a surprise; time with the one he loved was running out fast.

Perhaps he’d seen the question in her eyes, for he said; “I wanted to take one last look at the place before it’s all torn down.” He gave a weak laugh. “Take a moment to remember the poor fish from my beautiful old aquarium room… which became a lot less cool once they’d all gone belly-up. It now looks like Finding Nemo: The Horror Cut, and the smell is… pretty bad.”

“I could have told you that choosing a room with live decorations isn’t the best idea in an abandoned hotel.”

Aleister chuckled, giving his sister an appreciative glance. She might have been something of a brute, but he’d long since conceded that she did in fact hold a few of the family brain cells.

“Trust me,” Diego said, “I’m keeping it in mind for next time.”

It was a long and quiet trek back to Elyys’tel and Catalyst Village; each member of the group was lost in their own thoughts. Varyyn had only just made the journey himself-- he’d given his husband space to say goodbye to a piece of his life that he could never understand, but had returned for him. They strode side by side at the back of the pack… always touching. It was those little touches… the ones they both knew were always offered in a heartbeat, that would perhaps be missed most.

“Hey,” Taylor said gently, slowing so she could walk beside her best friend. “If you want to, you’re welcome to crash at our place tonight. I’m sure we can snag a mattress from someone else’s house so you’ve got plenty of snuggle space.”

“I don’t wanna disturb you, you know? You’d be just upstairs… and there will be crying. Besides, just camping out under the stars together… it might be nice.”

When they reached the village, Diego and Varyyn peeled off from the rest of the group, quietly settling on a secluded stretch of the cove where, for a time, it could be as though there were not a soul in the world but for the two of them.

“I feel like I’m wasting the time we have,” Diego mumbled guiltily. “You’re right here with me, and I can’t even make the most of it because it’s like I’m drowning in… in feeling sad.”

“We are together, my beloved,” Varyyn said gently. “That is, ‘the most’ of any time. The most there ever can be. You always give me the truth of you, and now, that is very, very sad.” He trailed off. “…As am I.”

Diego exhaled deeply, pressing himself against Varyyn’s larger frame and feeling safe. There was no shame in his emotions; he was understood, and cherished in all his raw edges. Varyyn had never asked for anything more of him. It was the reason he had to courage to follow his passion and give himself a chance to grow into what he knew was his truest self… but the road to get there would be testing.

“I will see you every day-- I have become very proficient at the ‘phone’. And we can talk many, many hours. Being elyyshar has some benefits. If I am with you, the council can wait.”

“Even if Seraxa has steam coming out her ears?”

Chuckling in spite of his deep sadness, for he had to do whatever he could to give his beloved what strength he could offer, Varyyn nodded. “Even if.” He squeezed Diego closer, and let his eyes flutter shut, focusing on the very feel of him there in his arms… the way it was meant to be. The way it would be again, for their spirits were irrevocably entwined. “And it will not be long before we are together again. You have heard Taylor talking; she is not going to rest until she finds a way for me to visit you, and in the meantime….”

“I’m just a call away.” Diego wiped away his tears, then brought his hand to Varyyn’s face and guided him into a slow and tender kiss. Just a call away. Just a call away….

Further up the beach, Jake had taken himself for a walk along the sand-- cold beer in hand, and looking up at a wide open night sky for the last time for… well, he didn’t really want to get up on how long.

“Do you want company?”

How long Estela had been lurking behind him, Jake didn’t have the foggiest idea… nor did he know how she managed to sneak up silently on such soft shifting sand. He shrugged.

“Be my guest. Might be a nice distraction from my own thoughts. It ain’t as if I won’t have plenty of time alone with those in the near future….”

“It’s a pity Aleister’s already gone to bed. There’s nothing quite like getting up his nose to keep you out of your own head.”

Jake smirked. Old Malfoy had his weird ways of expressing friendship. Guy would call you an imbecile on one hand and throw tens of thousands at bulking up your legal defense on the other. Something told him that the fights they’d get in over the stupidest goddamn things was just another one of Aleister’s wonky emotionally-repressed attempts at building bonds. And for what it was worth, it actually worked-- with Jake anyway. Any excuse to give Daddy Issues a well-aimed friendly jab.

Estela, on the other hand, didn’t dance around the point with petty jibes and pedantic exchanges. Straight to the point, as she knew Jake had come to expect.

“Look. You are going to clear your names. And Mike is gonna be remembered for the hero he was. We’ll make it happen, all right?” She held his gaze, fierce with resolve, and saw that same fire reflected back at her. “I swear to you… if I have to make it happen my goddamn self. When we’re done, people will be wishing Lundgren had a grave so they could dance on it.”

Jake clapped Estela on the shoulder. “Aw, Katniss. I know we always said Princess was queen of the pep talk, but between you and me, she ain’t got nothing on you.”

“Then make it worth my breath.” She pulled him into a tight hug. “I’m not fucking losing you, you hear?”

“Crystal, Ripley. Crystal damn clear.”

Her face buried in his unkempt hair, Estela fought back the tears that stung her eyes. “Good.”

Pulling away, Jake discretely wiped his own eyes, disguising the movement by running a hand over his stubble. He looked out over the world that had become his home and felt peace.

“You know what? I’m really gonna miss this place.”

Estela followed his gaze across the island, the towers of The Celestial just visible in the distance, and Atropo gently puffing smoke out into the night air.

“Yes. I think I’ll always come back. Maybe we could come here together for like… reunions. All of us,” she made a point of specifying, letting any doubt of her faith in their ability to bring Jake home be put paid to. “We should never forget what happened here.” Nor what we all meant to one another. Her eyes wandered back to her own home in the village, where she knew Taylor was waiting, already going through her bedtime routine. Estela’s heart thrummed with affection. How could they ever stay away?

“I guess, Katniss... I’ll be seeing ya at the reunion.”

Again, she found herself choked up. Enough of this. It was time for bed… before she was a complete mess.

“You bet your ass I will,” she growled.

___________________________

God, it’s cold; Taylor’s first thought as she stepped into the gate from the massive aeroplane. Straight from the tropical climes that had been her normal, even the Massachusetts summer hit her as distinctly chilly. The very novelty of the crisp night air and the lack of her usual permanent layer of humidity-induced sweat was wonderfully exhilarating. This really was something new.

The flight, coming off the five hour journey to Costa Rica and a three hour stop-over, had been utterly draining for most of the group; Taylor was for once grateful for her recently-acquired ability to fall asleep at the drop of the hat. She’d spent most of the duration snuggled up with her head on Estela’s shoulder-- Estela never slept on planes-- and her legs tucked beside Diego’s while he distracted himself from his thoughts with the in-flight entertainment. Aside from the discomfort of sitting in a confined space for hours on end, the emotional onslaught took its toll. Jake had stayed with the group as far as Costa Rica, then left the others to take their flight to Northbridge. Public interest in ‘The Hartfeld Ten’ had waned somewhat, but if they turned up back in the country with a wanted man, an unnecessary hoo-ha seemed inevitable. At any rate, Jake had been adamant that he hit American soil as close to his home as he could swing it, which had put him on a plane to Dallas that left an hour after the Northbridge flight. There had, of course, been tears, but when Jake waved them onto their last leg home, he hadn’t been saying goodbye as someone dreading what lay ahead, so much as a man ready and determined to finally put everything right. For Mike, and for himself.

Through customs and baggage claim, Taylor took in everything; it was utterly bizarre that she’d never set foot in this country before, but so many of her friends’ life experiences-- the memories that had informed her very creation-- had created an impossible feeling of familiarity. It was as if she were seeing simple things for both the first time and the hundredth, simultaneously. She stayed close to Diego, who had been quiet from the moment the plane took off in La Huerta.

“That’s everything, right?” she checked in with him as she hauled a duffle bag off the carousel, only to have it promptly commandeered by Estela. That’s still too much for me to be lugging around? Point taken.

“Well, unless you’re intending to leave Madam and Fenix behind the Animal Arrivals desk in their pet-packs indefinitely….”

“I’ll have you know, wise-guy, that I haven’t forgotten them. Just… putting off having to deal with the foul mood we can expect from Madam Mierdita.”

Estela turned back to her wife with a smirk. “Her I’ll let you carry.”

“Gee, thanks.” Taylor caught Diego’s little snort of laughter at her expense. Okay, a laugh out of Diego is definitely worth incurring the wrath of the little monster.

Finally, they stepped out the Arrivals doors, trolleys loaded up with heavy luggage and two very curious furry travelers.

“Do you think they’re here ye--” Grace had been wondering out loud before-- “Sean! Michelle!”

Even in a bustling crowd, Sean was easy to spot, head and shoulders over most of the people surrounding him. An effusive Michelle darted into the walkway, sweeping both Taylor and Estela into an embrace, and guiding her small band of weary friends out the way of the rush.

“You wouldn’t believe how good it is to see you all!” She held Taylor at arms length, giving a quick appraisal and then going back in for a hug, satisfied. “You look amazing. Death’s door is all in the past.”

“Oh my god,” Taylor choked out, “it’s not even been a minute and my face is already aching from smiling so much!”

“I’ve been trying to convince Michelle not to worry about you too much,” Sean said as he came out of a hug with Grace to give Taylor’s shoulder a squeeze, “if there’s anyone who can pull a miracle comeback, it’s our Taylor.”

Perhaps it was guilt, but Taylor felt a violent swing of emotion. This wasn’t a victory yet. “We’ve just got to keep that lucky streak going a little while longer… bring us all home.”

A cloud of sadness passed over Sean’s eyes, but his warm smile remained. “No one’s throwing the towel in. Not by a long shot. But my Momma always taught me to savour the wins along the way… and seeing what it was you came back from, this is a big one.”

Taylor exhaled heavily. You’ve got to let it go… just for now. Letting yourself by happy is going to make you stronger when it matters. But it sure was hard. She could see that guilt reflected in Estela’s eyes… which she caught and was met with a tender smile that told her it would all, somehow, be okay.

“Right!” Michelle said. “We were thinking, Diego, Taylor, Estela in the big car with me-- there’s room for the pet carriers in the back. I am dying to show you the house! Aleister and Grace, if you want to go with Sean, he could either take you straight to your place or you can swing by and say ‘hi’ to the masses.”

Grace beamed. “Oh, we will most definitely be swinging round to say ‘hi’!”

“Please tell me Raj hasn’t thrown us some raucous, moronic homecoming party…,” Aleister muttered under his breath.

“You were joking when you said there might be something party-like waiting for us, yeah?” Taylor queried from the back seat of Michelle’s car as they turned onto the freeway.

“The ‘might be’ was only because I wanted to break it to Aleister gently. You’re going home to a party. Period.”

“They do know that we’ve been travelling non-stop for more hours than I care to count, right?”

“Oh, don’t even get me started!” Michelle huffed. “Before you completely panic, I’ve already laid down the law that whenever you’re done, it is done.”

Taylor chuckled nervously, exchanging a glance with an equally trepidatious Diego through the mirror. “I’m going to give Al all of five minutes before he high-tails it out of there.”

Michelle sighed. “The Raj party train is fairly unstoppable. But,” she added with a little twinkle in her eye, “no one is brave or stupid enough to stir up a sleep-deprived Estela, so I’ve been assured it will all be low-key.”

“You’re welcome,” said Estela.

The car pulled up a short while later in front of a big timber-clad house. A really big timber-clad house. Two storeys and --from what Taylor could see-- a window looking out of a loft space as well.

“Wow…,” she breathed.

“Damn,” said Diego, who’d been quiet for most of the journey. “You weren’t kidding when you said you splashed out….”

Michelle shrugged, but her delight in her friends’ reactions couldn’t be hidden. “You do remember that there’s going to be eight of us living there? Including one Craig Hsiao. We were getting a house with space, or we wouldn’t be doing this at all. Again, all credit to Estela for funding this. I’m still not convinced you’re not a little crazy, but there’s no way I’m complaining. This place is gorgeous.”

As she unloaded Madam in her pet-pack, Estela kept glancing up at the house, a curious expression on her face.

“Hey…,” Taylor said, giving her wife’s fingers a squeeze. “Are you okay, love?”

“Yeah, it’s just… weird. I don’t feel comfortable with thanks, I guess. We needed somewhere to stay, I’ve got money now… it’s not like it’s some noble deed or anything.”

Michelle gave a dry laugh. “I saved your life, you gave me money to buy a big-ass house… don’t worry, we’re even.”

Just then, the front door swung open and Quinn bounded out, the broadest of smiles across her face. “You guys! Welcome home!”

“Quinn!” Taylor put Fenix’s crate on the ground and leaped into a waiting hug… and by the time she lifted her head, she was completely surrounded.

“You made it, brah!”

“Dude-- du-u-uude!”

Suddenly, the hugs were coming from all directions.

Okay, I’m definitely home.

The three new arrivals were quickly roped into a brief house tour, starting with the main lounge, which to everyone’s relief, was not in fact set up for a rager. A few streamers and a ‘welcome home’ banner was the extent of visible party. As Raj explained, the main housewarming shindig would be happening once everyone was actually awake enough to enjoy it. Maybe in a day or two.

“And this,” Quinn announced, after having left a wide-eyed and stuttering Diego to explore his new digs, complete with a enormous screen from which to call Varyyn and digital copies of what appeared to be every major movie and television release from the eighteen months he was away on La Huerta, “is yours.”

She opened a door to a staircase up to the loft-space.

“We really hope you like it.”

Again, Estela’s expression twisted to one of poorly hidden discomfort. Taylor gently took her hand and led the way, understanding. That strange mixture of what she was adjusting to… feeling part of a close group of friends who wanted to look after her and that awareness, now pretty hard to ignore, that she now had money to her name… it was all rather a lot, especially after a long day’s travel.

Quinn, either by reading her friend like a book or by plain instinct, gave the couple some space. “You just take all the time you need. If you want, I can bring Madam up here so you can settle her in? We’ll all be downstairs with hot cocoa waiting whenever you’re ready.”

Taylor turned and gave a slow nod. The emotions rolling through her were overwhelming-- to be once again surrounded by almost the entirety of her family was more wonderful than she could say, and yet, it made the ache of Jake’s fate hanging in the balance all the more obvious. She was excited, and drained, and so fucking grateful for the love she was receiving in spades. That was how she was going to get through. That was how they were all going to get through.

“Thanks, Quinn-- you’re the best. I think Madam will be really happy to get out of that box.”

They reached the top of the stairs and switched on the light.

“Wow,” Estela said softly, her cheeks flushing a little. “This is really nice.”

After what had been put together for Diego, neither of them had known what to expect, but Estela and Taylor’s huge room was wonderfully simple and homey. A big comfy armchair in the corner, a wooden bookcase to match the bed, and a lovely soft rug underfoot… all the essentials for their private bolthole. Two arched windows tilted up to a beautiful view of a starry night. They had their own ensuite bathroom, which both regarded as a definite plus with six other people sharing the house-- including one Michelle Nguyen who did have a reputation for taking her time in front of the mirror. What struck Taylor most, though, were the small thoughtful touches scattered around the whole place. The many, many photographs that had been hung on the walls… a brand new knitting basket for all of her bits and bobs… fancy lotions that had come from The Elysian… the beautiful painting Quinn had gifted them upon their first anniversary… and perhaps Taylor’s favourite, a little plush dragon that had been propped up on the pillows.

Estela flopped backwards onto the luxurious mattress and exhaled, long and deep. Letting the feeling sink in… the feeling of being welcomed home with open arms. Known, and accepted, and loved. Without opening her eyes, she extended an arm, which Taylor wriggled under to be brought into a soft embrace. They were one more step closer to ‘happily ever after’. On their way to peace and healing.

Taylor saw it there already. Her sweet warrior, at ease with the world… and making her thrum with devotion.

They’d made it this far… so very far. Time for the next chapter.

#endless summer #playchoices #estela montoya #estela x mc #diego soto #jake mckenzie #grace hall #varyyn #variego

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maviemesregles · 5 years ago

Text

Once I was an Eagle

Part II has landed, my friends. I hope you enjoy it. :)

NSFW under the cut.

As always I’ll never get tired to say the words of appreciation to my beta @eclecticstarlightconnoisseur <3

Thanks for sticking with this story, guys. ♥

All the chapters can be found on AO3 as well.

Chapter I: The beginnings

Chapter II: Sassenach

Chapter III: Catharsis

Chapter IV: Lovestruck. Part I

CHAPTER V: Lovestruck. Part II

Jamie ran feeling his leg muscles burn with the effort. Endlessly long, his feet stumbling over the dry branches cracking under his feet startling forest’s inhabitants that seem not to care of his attempt to escape. They know there is no way out. He feels the slap of wet leaves on his face and scratches all over his skin. An aching hollow space inside his chest is growing bigger and bigger. Ultimately, Jamie knows his heart will be ripped out at the end. The sweat dripped down his face forming salty paths. Jamie wants to scream that it stops. He wants to fall down and beg for mercy. But something behind pushes him back further and further into the darkness. His own mother’s voice whispering “Ye didna try hard enough.”

In the end, the darkness has won. Once again he succumbs to its cold clutches.

* * *

The crisp, fresh Highland air always brings him back on track. Jamie thinks it is one of the main reasons why he feels much better when he’s in the wilderness, especially since his Mam has passed away. He enjoys the freezing early morning air, giving his skin goosebumps and his mind to think straight once again.

He shivers at the swoosh of cold wind. His toes slowly developing a bluish tinge standing on a chilly stone patio. The skies are pink aquarelle with white fluffy marshmallow clouds passing by. Jamie can hear the birds taking charge of the morning chirping away in the garden in front of him. He thinks Claire would love the view. Claire.

Jamie tiptoes back inside closing the doors behind him back facing the wall. Even if he wanted to wake her to catch the beauty of early rising he could not do it. Jamie has learned by now that Claire was a relatively light sleeper. Not by her nature but rather her professional duties. She always slept with her iPhone kept near at hand always, heard each and every message and call. Sometimes Jamie wanted to throw that technical invention through the window and see it break into small pieces. It was his only chance to see her peaceful. Her face always seemed to be concentrating, as if she was not truly asleep. But now that little crease between her eyebrows seemed to be gone.

Claire usually slept like a child with her knees brought up close to her body and wrapped up into a blanket cocoon-like, now was sprawled on her back. The mass of curls exploded into the waves all over the pillow. Like a crown, he thought. One of her breasts peeked from under the quilt, her veins cast a bluish trail over her pale skin all the way down the soft hip pressed to the mattress in its relaxed shape. Jamie was sure he knew each and one of those blue paths under her skin and could trace the map of them on her body with his eyes closed. The morning sun travelled through the thin curtains running its warm rays over Claire’s skin. There was something that came to his mind so sudden that the realisation almost knocked him down.

Sorcha.

She was his remedy from that darkness he was running from. That light he longed for so badly but could never find.

When Jamie slid under the blankets next to her she stirred just a bit but did not wake.

He could try to speak to her in English, Gaelic, French; he would even learn any other language just trying to explain what he felt. But it still would not be enough. He was falling in love. Falling in love gave him the same tickling sensation inside his belly and made him breathless as when he rode the roller coaster for the first time at the age of ten.

* * *

Half awake and drowsy I thought that my cat decided to crawl under the quilt in an attempt to beg for his morning feeding. My eyes snapped open when reality kicked in. I viewed a glorious pink sky surrounding the high mountains I saw yesterday through the window of the cottage. The sun crept along the wall, drawing knitted lines of light there. I watched the sunny glimpse run away (creation of the curtains dancing in the wind). It climbed up on the bed all the way up burying itself inside Jamie’s red hair that shone like Amber. His head found its residence in the valley between the milky white of my legs. Jamie’s lips softly touched a spot on the inner side of my thigh where three birthmarks gathered together.

“Ye ken ye have a witch mark here?” His thumb circled dark dots upon my skin.

Something that vaguely sounded like “mmmm” escaped my mouth. All of a sudden I forgot how to breathe.

“Now I ken about them too.”

The rest of the blanket was pushed aside falling to the floor with a soft whisper. It was the competing temperatures, the cool air of the room playing against my hot skin, that raised goosebumps all over me.

I tried to tell him that I am not a witch though (as if they really existed and he was going to execute me). But the words remained stuck inside my throat only letting out a moan when the velvet of Jamie’s tongue descended lower. In mere seconds, my legs began to tremble, hips instinctively rising up with want. But Jamie’s hand laid atop my stomach keeping me pinned on the mattress. A shuddering sigh left my seized lungs as Jamie flicked his tongue once, twice and then his lips closed over the sensitive flesh sucking.

The ceiling started to spin above and I closed my eyes, surrendering to the only existing thing in the world that moment - Jamie. His exploration up and down, from left to right, circling and suckling did not last long before the daylight has disappeared from the view and my cry echoed in the room.

As the real world returned and I regained my senses, I felt my breathing slowly return from short gasping breaths. Jamie's blue eyes settled on me excitedly remarking, "We have a great day ahead of us."

Jamie indeed had plans. It was hiking in fact (“it’s a must in Highlands, ye canna not do it”). Mentally I kicked myself for stopping jogging in the mornings. How big is the chance that I’m not going to be out of breath ten minutes into our nature exploration? The yoga classes where I went with Geillis was also abandoned after several weeks. “I stand enough on my feet in the surgery” I reasoned with myself (and Geillis who made a remark about having “trained arse”).

With perfectly ripe avocados on toast and cherry tomatoes for breakfast (with occasional kisses in between, Jamie tasting sweetly of orange juice and I of strong coffee) we made it outdoors.

The Highlands was dressed in autumn. The leaves were toned in shades of orange, red, and gold causing the scenery to look as if someone had spilled paint down them. Other sepia coloured leaves fell down, whispering their goodbyes to the last warm days. They rustled softly as they dropped from dry branches bidding their farewells. I remembered as a child I liked collecting star-shaped maple leaves, creating a bouquet of reddish-brown remnants of summer. I used to put them between the pages of my Dad’s books in his office. Usually, he would find them days later and smile at me. Together we would take them out and stick into the notebook I had. We did that each autumn until my blue notebook was left behind. As well as the life of my parents when uncle Lamb turned the keys to close the door of our London house. That way he locked away my childhood forever.

Jamie was a walking book of legends and stories. Since we left the cottage he was telling me all kinds of things I’ve never even heard about. He made a remark that I should be ashamed I live in Scotland and only heard about the Loch Ness Monster.

“Have ye ever heard about Kelpies?”

“No, I haven’t,” I shook my head clinging to Jamie’s forearm for support when we passed a muddy puddle.

“Kelpies were said to take the form of a horse. They could also take a human form. They would use their beauty to lure people to climbing upon them before being taking them into the water, not to be seen again.”

“Charming.” I grimaced.

“Dinna fash, I willna let them take ye.” Jamie laughed grabbing me by the waist before I was trapped under his lips.

The cool mid-autumn air slightly burned inside of my throat when I inhaled too deeply. Not being used to such fresh, crisp sensation I coughed feeling my eyes water. Jamie who walked next to me, kicking the leaves with his shoes, squeezed my hand softly.

“Yer okay, mo nighean donn?”

I liked the sound of the Gaelic he spoke sometimes. His ability to fluidly incorporate it into his speech when he spoke to me made me long to hear it even more. Made me long for him. There was something about the way he sounded. The soft lilt of his voice, the deepness of his accent with a trace of huskiness that poisoned my blood with curiosity and mystery. I was dying to know what he was saying but also wished it to remain a secret. But I could not resist.

“Jamie, what you just said, what does it mean?”

Jamie stopped turning me to face him. His warm breath travelled upon my skin as his forehead leaned to meet mine. He smiled lips curling into a soft shape.

“It means my brown-haired lass.”

“Rather a dull colour I always thought,” I whispered, the pink blooming in my cheeks.

His lips brushed mine. Hands tangling around his neck, I kissed back, fingers running along with the soft curls on his nape.

“No,” Jamie’s finger gently touched a stray curl on my cheek. “No, not dull at all. It’s like the water in a burn, the way it ruffles down the rocks. Dark in the wavy spots with wee bits of auburn when the sun touches it.”

I knew this wasn’t just a crush on him. I was well and truly smitten. There was such a serenity when he was around that I could not imagine how should I carry on if he suddenly disappeared. My heart was swelling with my feelings growing with something that one day I could name as love. And I was unquestionably petrified but with him, there was nothing I could be afraid of.

Every time he looked at me like that, the world seemed to stop.When he kissed me, I felt breathless as if all the air from my lungs. His presence, his being was stretching throughout my whole body wrapping around my heart and cradling my soul between his hands. How could I not be falling in love with this man?

Jamie softly kissed her temple when she closed her eyes. His heart leapt as he held her like that. They stood there in the middle of nowhere, with the mountain rising above them, golden leaves falling down. They were spiralling all the way to the ground as the signs of a bright future life holds for them. The way Claire’s body melted into his, her chin rested at the crook of his neck, Jamie’s hands holding her waist tightly. It was more intimate than anything else they’d done already.

“Claire, about what ye said yesterday,” He spoke quietly into her hair. “Do ye really feel that way?”

Her words echoed in his fevered mind. ‘I fancy you. Very much.’

She nodded.

A romantic inside Jamie wanted to tell her that he loved her from the first moment Claire’s solid head bumped into him but he nodded back tightening his grip on her.

The mountains rose high into the blue. We passed fields with yellowish grass, still wet with morning dew making our shoes damp; It was a glorious expanse of dried grass softly rustling in the wind bending over where we walked creating a pathway.

When my fingers became cold and numb from the freezing Highlands wind Jamie untangled our hands to share the pocket of his jacket with me. We ate a tuna sandwich and vinegar crisps on the wooden bench that stood in the valley near an abandoned cabin. Jamie spilled half of our coffee from the tumbler he prepared. I stifled a need to laugh at him, my thumb gently sweeping away sandwich crumbs from his lower lip. My lips chapped from the wind but Jamie’s touch soothed the burning sensation.

“Ye ken that Loch Lomond,” Jamie pointed to the left where in the distance a great lake stretched out. “Is the largest water lake in British Isles?”

“It surely looks like it,” I smiled looking at the dark water on the horizon. “How do you know so much?”

Jamie chuckled speeding up in front of me to let me pass in safety then, with the help of his steady hand.

“I grew up in the countryside, Sassenach. That’s where I belong. That’s what I love. A Scot must know his history.”

“You know, you would be one of those Highlander warriors in the past for sure.” Laughing, I pinched his biceps.

When we reached the blanket of trees at the base of the mountain, the sun started to go down in the horizon. The sky almost vanished in the forest leaving us with small glimpses of the blue coming through the thickness of pines above us. We took at least a hundred awful selfies during our four-hour hike. I spied a flower that bloomed in all possible shades of purple. Crouching down, I took a picture of it so I could look it up later.

I heard the leaves rustling under Jamie’s feet when he appeared next to me holding out his phone.

“I, er… I... I need to take a pish,” Jamie announced shyly. “Dinna want to drop it down the rocks”

“Smart.” I chuckled hiding his iPhone into the depths of my jeans pocket.

The mist started to gather around covering the ground with a smoky quilt. I inhaled fresh air perfumed with the rich fragrances of the trees and plants. It was filled with a promise of coming rain clouds ready to burst any moment. I mentally estimated how long we have to get to the cottage before we got soaking wet.

The buzz of Jamie’s phone took me out of my thoughts. Not sure what to do, I fished it out my pocket.

“Jamie, you got a text!” I shouted into the tall trees startling a lonely bird from the bush.

“Who’s it from?” His voice echoed back somewhere from the left.

Hesitating for a few seconds I looked down at the screen to see the message. Involuntarily my eyes ran along two lines of letters.

“How are u, mo ghraidh? Dougal popped by, said he canna reach ye, it was urgent. I guessed ye didna have a connection there. Xx.”

The box From said Jen with two emojis -a heart and a house. It was Jenny.

“It’s your sister.” I handed him the phone when he came out brushing off the pine needles from his pants.

When we were going down I wondered what those words meant that Jenny had called him. It was something he’d said to me once before. While Jamie was telling me something about the castle that we could see from our path I googled the meaning of Gaelic that I could not understand.

It said, “My love” and my heart sank down my chest and then almost broke free out of it ready to burst with happiness.

My love.

* * *

The countryside stretched itself around us in brown, golden and burgundy stains of colours. The hills rolled in soft waves of yellow grass meeting the ground in the valleys with hidden flora.

We walked back in companionable silence holding our hands, fingers securely tangled together, not breaking that needed contact between us.

When there was less than a kilometre until we get to the house the grey skies grumbled with anger. The heavy clouds no longer wanted to wait and cold drops started to fall down as gunfire. In no time it turned into a heavy storm soaking the ground beneath us until it was soft and slippery under our feet. The downpour of water felt icy cold and we had to run lest we get completely wet. The wind howled muting our laughs but for once in the longest time, I felt reckless and happy.

Jamie went to the bedroom peeling off his clothes that stuck to the skin. I followed in suit, not wishing to catch a cold and left a damp pile of clothes on the floor. While I had the time I filled the bathtub with steaming water. Turning off the main light the room went into the warm glow of the candles I’d managed to find in the cabinet in the living room. They were half used, the wax melted into peculiar figures. I had placed them in the corners near the windows and popped a couple on the bathtub sides. Sliding down the water, my eyes closed at the feeling of heat soaking into me. I physically could feel each muscle in my body relax and become numb, limp.

Jamie stood in a doorway looking at me quietly. In this light, he reminded me of a Greek statue. He was beautifully made. With long, graceful bones and flat muscles that flowed smoothly from the curves of chest and shoulder to the slight concavities of belly and thigh. He was fair with bits of freckles but slightly touched by the sun, toned in a way that reminded me floral honey.

“Come here,” I spoke quietly lifting my hand up from the depths of the water.

He walked over slowly, stepping gracefully as a cat, not breaking our gaze. I felt a tight knot in the bottom of my belly starting to ache just by looking at him. Soon his boxers were left aside together with the puddle of my clothes. The water raised slightly when Jamie got in, sitting behind me, my back pressed to his chest. His hands roamed on the water slick sides of my thighs and my head dropped down his shoulder. I hummed an appreciative ‘hmmm’ at his touch. It felt soothing and much needed after our long hike.

“I must tell ye something, Sassenach.” His voice sounded husky. It was the tone that pulled at the deepest strings inside me. “I’m sure ye bewitched me. Cause for God’s sake I canna imagine how I managed to live without ye before.”

My head turned slightly to the left as my lips had found the column of his neck. I loved to touch him. But not just in a sexual way. Being with him, simply existing in the same space, in a distance of millimetres of each other. This became my everyday dose of oxygen. I craved him. All of him. Including his soul and heart and all of his body. He seeped deep into my being and would remain there forever I was sure of it. And I could not remember life before him anymore. As it simply could not be there without James Fraser. I ached for him every time we separated and I would be a damn fool to deny that.

“I think I can’t imagine that either,” I whispered kissing my way down his torso. When he was well-loved with my lips, my mouth and hands Jamie pulled me up cradling my face between his palms.

“I could love ye, Claire. I could love ye well.”

I exhaled feeling his moist full lips tracing my collarbone. When Jamie lifted me up from the water that became our shelter of warmth and my hands circled around his neck I remembered.

When Jamie kissed the tip of my nose I remembered twisting my ankle two years ago on the slippery grocery store tile after the rain.

When his hands held me tightly, the drops scattering off my body I remembered calling first Geillis asking to bring me to A&E.

When Jamie’s lips softly touched my forehead I remembered that I called Frank but he did not pick up being busy at the meeting.

When Jamie passed the first stair I remembered I stayed home and felt lonely.

When Jamie’s lips dragged down my neck I remembered that Frank had left to the conference in London saying that he’d call me several times a day to check on me.

When Jamie gently laid me down the bed I remembered feeling awfully lonely despite Frank’s words of reassurance and support, calls and promise to come back soon.

When Jamie’s thumb brushed over my nipple I remembered feeling empty.

When Jamie held me I felt safe. And when he leaned in to kiss me I whispered into his lips.

“I could love you too. I could love you well.”

#outlander #once i was an eagle #outlander fic #outlander fanfic #maviemesregles #jamie x claire #jamie fraser #claire beauchamp #the frasers #modern au #these babies

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rainbowjay20 · 4 years ago

Text

So I am royally pissed.

RANTING FOLLOWS...

Yes, major shit is happening in the world. But real life is still happening. My doctor has been changing from one hospital affiliation to another. I had an appointment that I scheduled three months ago. No one called and told me anything with regards to time, location or new phone numbers. I drove up to an empty office with a sign. Not all the doctors are going with the person listed as my primary and my appointment was with one that was in a different office. The primary's (that is listed in my records) office kicked me out and said I didn't have an appointment without checking my name and they didn't know shit about what was going on, so they basically they kicked me out of the office because they could and they were utterly useless. No information, jack squat. I think they were done for the day and wanted to go home. The other office was closed. Neither phone number given worked and I'm out of my medication. I also have a sinus infection and need antibiotics and maybe some prednisone. My immune system is not doing well because I'm not getting my IVIG(which is another whole mess). My back is still messed up from where I sprained it before Christmas. I also have been having stomach issues and it's the reverse of my usual stomach issues. I also have a virtual visit scheduled with my Endocrinologist, after which she will need to know where to send my information. And I have two more specialists that I need to reschedule because I've been putting them off between Covid and me being sick. Did I mention my scripts need refills? I get appointments later in the day because of my issues.

I am not happy with this. I would have understood rescheduling my appointment. I would have understood a new office situation. But the girls in the one office were extremely rude and unhelpful. Also neither of the new phone numbers were working nor the old number which tells you to schedule an appointment with a different doctor. I used the old app(Epic) to request at the very least my refill and left a note on that system that I didn't get to the appointment and why.

The other thing that is pissing me off is that they knew this change was coming and they STILL SCHEDULED the appointment. Nowhere in the intervening THREE MONTHS did anyone try to get me to reschedule or tell me where I needed to go. And I was scheduled for a night appointment when they knew the hours of the new office could NOT accommodate this. (I am deducing this as my working theory. It appears to be the truth, although I won't know until I talk to someone, if I can find someone who knows their butt from a hole in the ground.)

The last time I had troubles like this, was my previous primary. In addition to screwing up messages from me to the doctor and vice versa, the little shit in the office stole a prescription of mine. They caught her red-handed. They should have called the cops. They did fire her ass.

I just didn't feel up to the paperwork involved.

I seem to attract people stealing pills. My last muscle relaxer script was short 4 pills. Since I didn't pick up the pills myself, the pharmacy basically said too bad, you lose. They were very generous*(this is sarcasm btw) in letting me refill my next script a few days early. I told them the next time I will go to the cops again. Mostly, they just go to the store quietly and examine the video tapes that the store makes, if they haven't gone to the server yet, then ask me and the store employees our side of the story, we write a statement and sign it. They don't really investigate it too much unless there is a superfluity of thefts.

Yes I am aware that I am speaking from a position of privilege. I have a doctor, insurance and enough money(most of the time) to pay co-pays and bills. I simply need to get the rant out now so I don't scream on the phone tomorrow. Catharsis is what I'm going for right now. Unfortunately, not a lot of these things have simple fixes. Or in some cases, they don't have any fix, forgoing a miracle.

These people that don't keep up with what is going on around them and are useless and are at the very least incompetent employees. If I was a boss and these people were my employees, they would be canned the minute I heard about them being rude to a customer/client and practically throwing them out the door/locking it behind them. Also neighborhood is not the best, even if they were clueless they should have made sure I had a way home or a way to get to a way home, i.e. offer to let me use the phone to call a ride/cab/uber/whatever.

I am aware I sound like a "Karen". I was taught that the first rule in any business is the customer is always right. I understand that they were at the end of a long day. I do get that. But also the employment marketplace and economy being as it, people should be eager to keep a job, because they are at least 20 people that need a job more then you at any moment. Never assume you have the worse problem in the world. There is ALWAYS someone in more dire straits then you. (Sometimes that helps. Although it can be hard to imagine, but trying is at least a distraction.)

Did I mention(no pills) I also had a dentist appointment this morning(well early afternoon) where I got two fillings fixed? Luckily, it wasn't too painful. The extended period of prolonged mandible contortions caused more pain than the dentistry.

The window in our car also broke. The cord that runs it snapped, as well as the electronic button panel went kaput. This is after we just put on two new tires and had various other repairs. The window panel costs about 400$ to repair. That's more than the car is worth almost.(Funny, not funny.) It's ten years old and beat to hell. Most likely we are going to need a new car. When I say car, I mean SUV/light truck.

In addition we have a few holes in the roof(including over the bathroom) that leak buckets of water when it rains. If it rains, we have to check the buckets so they don't overfill. We also just had to reseal the toliet(another $400) and replace the ceiling tiles below the bathroom. When we get the roof fixed eventually, the bathroom ceiling needs fixed($$$) plus the downstairs ceiling where the other leaks are. One is a popcorn ceiling.($$$)

I also was going to ask about the vaccine. Most likely I can't get it. I can't get flu shots because I'm allergic. I've also read that one of the vaccine is counterindicated for those with weak immune systems. The other possible problem is the thyroid cancer. Because of how the vaccine works, and the type of thyroid cancer I had, there may be issues. I've tried to find answers online but because my type of thyroid cancer is rare(well, both types) I don't think any studies were done on it.

When the imp of the perverse gets your number or Lady Luck(Luck be a Lady!) deserts you, you are SO SCREWED. Either that or the person who has the voodoo doll🔮 of me is getting creative(or bored) because they are in lockdown because of Covid. I wish who ever it is would stop. Or learn about karma...

Okay, rant out of my system. (Not really, but I can chill enough to try to get rid of the hiccups I just got. Did I mention I have blood pressure problems and stress induced asthma?)

Okay, now I really do think it's a little better.

Catharsis achieved.

#Just a rant #No need to read #or respond #written for catharsis only

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fy-kpopfanfiction · 7 years ago

Text

I’ll Protect You - Vkook/Taekook

If you have any requests, send me a message or an ask! Anons welcome! Only M/M pairings, but I’ll write just about anyone! :) Feel free to include a prompt or any details you’d like in your fic!

Pairing: Kim Taehyung - V / Jeon Jungkook

Summary: Jungkook finds some awful tweets and Taehyung comforts him.

Warning: This fic was written because I needed catharsis, really. I needed to sort my feelings about a lot of things concerning the fandom and how the members are being treated as of late. The tweets regarding Jungkook and Burn the Stage and the tweet about Jonghyun dying to make room for BTS are vaguely referenced because they were the ones I was most angry about. They aren’t mentioned in detail, so I thought I would explain that here. I didn’t want to dwell on it in the fic. This is all fiction. I have no idea what the members see or what they think about any of it. I actually cried writing this fic and I’ve cried a lot for this group, so don’t come at me about this if you don’t like it. Just move along.

Word Count: 2790

Rating: G - It’s angsty but that’s all.

AO3 Link (Please head over and leave kudos and comments!)

You can also read under the cut, but leave me some kudos anyway! :)

Taehyung nuzzled his face against Jungkook’s hair, breathing in the scent of his vanilla bean shampoo. Taehyung could write an entire novel of all the things he loved about Jungkook, but the fact that he always smelled like a manly sugar cookie would be close to the top of the list.

“What’s wrong?” He asked, kissing his head gently.

Taehyung was seated behind Jungkook in his gaming chair while the younger boy played Overwatch.

Jungkook stared straight ahead, fingers moving rapidly to control his character on the screen.

“I know you can hear me, Kook, and I know there’s something wrong.” Taehyung nuzzled forcefully against the back of his head.

“Tae, I can’t focus,” Jungkook grumbled.

Taehyung leaned back, pouting. Jungkook had been off for the last week. Every time he tried to bring it up, Jungkook dodged the subject.

After a few moments of watching him play, Taehyung climbed out of the chair and stalked off to the kitchen to find one of the hyungs for advice.

Thankfully, Jin stood at the counter when he walked into the kitchen. “Hyung, can I talk to you?”

“If you come help me wash these vegetables for dinner.”

Taehyung sighed, but shuffled to the sink to help Jin. “What are you making for dinner?”

“Soup. I found a recipe online. Here…” He handed Taehyung a vegetable brush. “Wash those potatoes.”

Taehyung started to scrub at the potatoes that Jin had soaking in a bowl of water.

“What did you need to talk about?”

“Oh, right. I almost forgot that I’d come here for something other than helping with dinner. Um… I think there’s something wrong with Jungkookie.”

“I know.”

“What do you mean you know?”

“You think I don’t see every move you all make around here? I have eyes in the back of my head. You missed a spot. Potatoes grow in dirt, Taehyung. Scrub.”

Taehyung glanced down at the potato in his hands and scrubbed at it with Jin’s small pink brush. “So, you know there’s something wrong with him but you’re not doing anything about it.”

“What would you like me to do?”

“Something. You’re the mat hyung.”

“That’s true, but that doesn’t mean I can force him to open up and talk about it.”

“It does to! You force everyone to talk about their problems!”

He laughed. “Yes, well, Namjoon told me that might not be the best approach, so I’m laying off.”

“Well, hyung was wrong! It’s the best approach. Can you tell him that he has to talk to me? He keeps avoiding the subject any time I bring it up. All he ever does is work, sleep, or play Overwatch. He doesn’t do anything else and he never talks anymore.”

“I can’t tell him to talk to you, Taehyung-ah. Have you ever considered that he’ll talk to you about it when he’s ready to talk about it?”

Taehyung pouted and moved onto a second potato when he was sure that he hadn’t missed a single speck of dirt. “What do you think it is?”

“I have my suspicions, but I’d rather not speculate.”

“Do you think he doesn’t like me anymore?”

“I am 100% sure that it is not that.”

“It might be. Maybe he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore.” Taehyung stuck his bottom lip out.

“That would be about as likely as Yoongi not wanting his bed anymore.”

Taehyung scoffed. “Hyung would never give up his bed.”

“That was exactly my point.”

Taehyung swapped his potato out for another and sighed heavily. “I don’t know, hyung. I’m really worried. I mean, I don’t even care if he doesn’t love me anymore. I mean, I do. I would care so much. I would be heartbroken forever, but I would rather it be that than something wrong with him, you know?”

Jin washed his hands and dried them on a tea towel before reaching out to ruffle his hair. “I know, Taehyung. I’m sure he’ll be okay. I’m sure he’ll come to you first when he’s ready to talk.”

Another week passed and Jungkook’s behavior grew worse. They had a fan event and he barely spoke to anyone. When they returned home, he locked himself in the bathroom and then went straight to bed. Taehyung had grown more worried with each day. Despite Jin’s prediction that Jungkook would come to him when he was ready, he worried himself sick.

He walked into Jungkook’s room late one night after they’d worked hard filming and meeting with fans. Jungkook lay curled up on his bed, the only light in the room coming from Jungkook’s tablet. Since they’d moved dorms, he and Jungkook were sharing a room while Namjoon and Jin paired up, Yoongi and Jimin, and Hoseok was given a room of his own. He usually loved sharing a room with his boyfriend, but it had been difficult the past two weeks. He could hardly stand to look at Jungkook, knowing something was wrong but not knowing what it was or how to fix it.

He climbed into the bed beside him, noting that Jungkook was watching a movie on his tablet. Taehyung recognized it as one of the younger’s favorites. Jungkook barely seemed to notice when Taehyung pressed himself to Jungkook’s back and draped his arm over his side, gently caressing Jungkook’s stomach, covering with a button-down pajama top.

He responded a little more when Taehyung nuzzled his nose against his faintly damp hair. He pushed back against Taehyung and laid his hand over the hand on his stomach. “Hey Tae Tae,” he whispered, lacing their fingers together.

“Hey baby,” he said, kissing the back of his head. “You okay?” He nudged the back of his head with his nose and kissed him again.

“Just watching a movie,” Jungkook murmured. His thumb absently stroked over Taehyung’s hand.

Taehyung trailed his lips down to Jungkook’s neck, kissing the back of it gently. Jungkook’s body seemed to sag, relaxing his tense muscles. Taehyung hadn’t noticed how tense he was, and his heart squeezed. He untangled his hand from Jungkook’s and brought it up to massage his shoulder. “You’re tense, Kook.”

“I’m okay.”

“Your muscles are so hard.”

“You usually like that, hyung.”

Taehyung felt his cheeks heat up. “Jungkookie… I mean that there are knots back here. You need to relax.” He kissed his shoulder and trailed his hand back down his side and took hold of his hand again. “I wish you’d talk to me,” he whispered, kissing his neck.

Jungkook paused the movie on his tablet and rolled over to face Taehyung. “It’s hard to talk,” he whispered after his iPad went to sleep mode, bathing them in darkness.

Taehyung sought out his lips in the darkness and kissed him softly. “You can talk to me about anything, you know that. I’m always here for you. I love you, Kook.”

“I know you do. It’s just not something that I really want to talk about. It’s not something I even want to think about. I shouldn’t have to.”

Taehyung’s heart felt like it was being squeezed when he heard Jungkook sniffle in the darkness. He had never felt so worried for Jungkook. He pulled him close and held him as his body trembled slightly with quiet sobs. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he said softly, over and over again, as if his repetition would make it so.

After a few minutes, Jungkook pulled away, wiping his eyes and face with his sleep shirt, and sniffling loudly. Taehyung let his hand rest on his side, gently caressing it in what he hoped would be a comforting manner.

“It’s just... I’ve been spending too much time online.”

“Online? On Overwatch, you mean?”

Jungkook shook his head, realized a moment later that Taehyung probably couldn’t see him in the darkness of their room, and said, “No, not that. SNS, I mean. Twitter.”

“You made your own Twitter or you mean our Twitter?” They all took turns using the @bts_twt account to post things for their fans – silly messages or heartfelt ones, selcas, videos. He liked to share things there that the fans would love and cherish, as they did, it seems, everything he and the members did.

“Our Twitter. I was going through the messages we’d gotten or the mentions – whatever you call it.”

“Yeah… Is that what’s bothering you? All the mentions we get? I know we can’t see them all and we almost never reply, but the fans understand, Kook. We’re just busy. You don’t need to be sad about that.” He started to lean in to kiss him, but stopped when Jungkook spoke again.

“It’s not that. I’m not upset about not replying to them. I’m upset about the things they say.”

“What do you mean?”

In Taehyung’s innocent mind, he believed that there was good in everyone, especially his beloved ARMY. Even when there were hard times, even when people said things that weren’t exactly kind to him, he chose to believe that there were good people who truly loved him and the other members. It was a naïve way of thinking, he’d been told several times, but it made him feel better to think that way.

“Never mind, Tae. Just forget about it.” Jungkook knew that Taehyung had a different way of looking at the world, especially when it concerned the ARMYs and their happiness, his happiness, and that of the members. He chose to see only the good.

Jungkook tried to be that way, but he’d seen too many things that made him cry, made him angry and frustrated. He’d seen too much.

“Please tell me, Jungkook-ah.”

“I don’ think that you’ll want to know.”

“I do. I want to know what’s bothering you because it hurts me to see you this way all these days. It hurts me to know that you’re hurting. I want you to feel better, to be happy.”

Jungkook rolled over again. He unlocked his tablet and navigated to Twitter where the bts_twt account was still logged in. He accessed the mentions and handed it to Taehyung. “Here, you can read them for yourself. I don’t want to recount them.”

“These are all nice things, Taehyung. Everyone is saying how much they love us and care about us.”

Jungkook took the tablet back. They got so many mentions that it took him almost five whole minutes to find one of the ones that had made him want to throw his tablet. He took a screenshot, scrolled further to one that made him cry, and then on to another that had him locked in the bathroom so no one would hear him sob.

He pulled up the screenshots and handed the tablet back to Taehyung and rolled away from him. He didn’t want to see his face while he read the comments. He regretted even showing them to Taehyung.

When he heard a soft whimper, he knew Taehyung had read the one that had him locked in the bathroom. He rolled over quickly, took the tablet from him, and tossed it aside, pulling Taehyung into his arms. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, holding him tightly as the older boy sobbed. “I’m so sorry, hyung. I never should have shown those to you.”

Taehyung shoved his arm under Jungkook to wrap both arms tightly around him, squeezing him. “How could they say that?” he sobbed, his face smashed against Jungkook’s strong chest. He felt safest in Jungkook’s arms, always.

“I’m sorry for showing you.”

“No. You shouldn’t be sorry. They should be sorry.” He hiccupped, choking on a sob. “They… should… be…”

Tears filled Jungkook’s eyes, but he kept quiet and still, just holding Taehyung tighter and tighter the more he sobbed.

They fell asleep that way, exhausted from the day and from the sobbing.

When Jungkook awoke the following morning, his eyes burned and he could barely open them. He groaned. Taehyung was still wound around him, his long limbs entwined with his. He wondered what his arm must feel like, having been trapped under Jungkook the whole night. He carefully scooted away from Taehyung, landed on his tablet, groaned and attempted to sit up, still trying to blink his burning eyes open.

Taehyung stirred and then yelped.

“Hyung!” Jungkook forced his eyes open despite their harsh protests.

“My arm…” Taehyung looked at his arm splayed out on the bed. “I can’t move it.”

“It’s probably just numb and stiff from being under my body all night. I’m sorry, hyung.” Jungkook recalled when he was in grade school and sprained his ankle. It hurt to move it, so he just let it lie there and it went stiff and slightly numb. It felt like he couldn’t move it and when he did, it ached like nothing before. He was sure this was the same.

Taehyung whined and wiggled his arm. “Jungkookie!”

“I’m sorry, hyung.”

“For what?”

Jungkook stared at Taehyung’s wide, innocent eyes for a moment and then jerked his numb arm upward.

Taehyung wailed and grabbed his arm, rolling around on the bed. “That hurt!”

“I’m sorry. You have to move it or it won’t feel better. It’s just stiff.” He leaned over and kissed his forehead. “I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault.” Taehyung bent his arm and extended it a few times. He groaned and collapsed back onto the bed when it started to feel better. “My eyes hurt.”

“Mine too.” Jungkook laid down beside him, careful not to touch his arm should it still hurt. “I’m sorry about last night, hyung. Really.”

“Don’t. I told you not to be sorry.”

“Well, I am, though. I’m still sorry. I shouldn’t have showed you those things. It was bad enough that I saw them. It’s bad enough that they’re out there.”

Taehyung bit his lip. “You didn’t show anyone else? The hyungs?”

“I didn’t show anyone. I didn’t even tell anyone. I didn’t really want to tell you.”

“You shouldn’t keep things like that to yourself, Jungkook. You need to get that out.”

“I shouldn’t have to keep it anyway or let it out! It shouldn’t happen. How can people say things like that and then still claim that they’re our fans?! They can’t love us in one breath and say that kind of stuff in the next.” Jungkook hung his head. “You didn’t even see it all. There was so much more. There were so many photos of me on there. So many screenshots of me and those awful comments. I felt so…” He shuddered. “I can’t even describe how I felt. I don’t have the words to describe how I felt, how I still feel. And the other thing… The…” His words caught in his throat and he whimpered. “How could any human being say that…?” Tears streamed down his cheek when he recalled the comment that was the worst one of all. Not directed at him or about any member directly, it actually seemed like the “fan” thought they were complimenting the group with what they said. Their words were soulless. That’s the only way that Jungkook could describe it.

“Kook, listen… this is horrible. I know, but those people are not our real fans. They’re not the people that truly love us. We shouldn’t even be concerned with a single thing they say. You know that there are people out there that really love us, right? There are people that care. If they saw these things, they probably hated the comments too.”

“What if they’re all like that now? What if none of them are real anymore?”

“They are! Don’t say that, Jungkook. I know it was so bad, but…” Taehyung reached over quickly to grab Jungkook’s tablet. He unlocked it and Twitter was still up on the screen. He reported the terrible tweet, only to find that the account had already been removed by Twitter. “They removed that person’s account, Jungkook. That means our real fans told them to do that.” He showed him the screen just before he navigated back to look through the comments. “Look at all these other tweets…” He shimmied over to sit beside Jungkook and scrolled through countless supportive, beautiful comments from their true fans. Some of them even begged Jungkook and the other members to ignore the harmful tweets. “See…”

Jungkook sniffed. “I know, I know.”

“Our ARMY is real, Jungkook. Anyone who acts like that isn’t part of our ARMY. No matter what they call themselves. We don’t need to even think about them. Our ARMY is protecting us from them.” He wrapped his arms around his shoulders and pressed a kiss to the side of his head. “Our ARMY will always be there to protect us, Jungkook-ah, just like I’ll always be right here to protect you.”

#bts #bangtan #bangtan boys #bangtan sonyeondan #vkook #taekook #taehyung #jungkook #bts fanfiction #fanfiction #kpop #kpop fanfiction #angst

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raendown · 7 years ago

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Written upon specific request of someone who’s privacy I will respect.

Pairing: KakashiSakura Word Count: 2173 Summary: While the secret is hidden the pressure builds. And when the secret is found the pressure releases. It isn't always pretty. Warnings: Implied past rape, implied past abuse.

Follow the link or read it under the cut.

Reaching Catharsis

He only noticed small things at first. He noticed the way she wouldn’t stand in certain spots in the kitchen, the way she often tried to hurry passed the cupboards as though some bogeyman were waiting just inside the doors to reach out and drag her inside. She had a way of lounging in arms chairs in total relaxation yet the way she sat upon a couch looked as though she were hovering on the edge of her seat, ready to bolt. And he couldn’t fail to notice how she would only ever hold his hand on her left side, never her right.

Kakashi had never been the kind of person for a direct confrontation when he could simply sit back and observe the answers for himself. In retrospect, however, it probably would have been better if he could have just opened his mouth and asked questions like any other decent person would have. Sakura was no delicate flower, he was well aware of that. But he also knew more than most that every person has their demons – and that nothing can prey on someone quite like their own dark secrets.

He just wished he could have known how to help her before he did something so horribly wrong.

Watching his girlfriend of seven months shiver and cower in the corner, balled in to herself and unable to look at him, made Kakashi feel as though there could be no lower trash than himself right at that moment. He’d done something wrong, that much was obvious. It hadn’t been intentional or even particularly overt. Whatever it was had been a trigger of some sort and Kakashi wanted to tear his hair out from the roots. He should have known. Shouldn’t he be able to recognize the signs of trauma better than anybody?

“Sakura?” he called gently. The woman in question tucked her face in to her knees, the sound of messy weeping crawling across his skin like shards of glass. “Sakura, love, I’m sorry. Whatever it was that I did I’m so sorry.”

His words only made her cry harder. It wasn’t the pretty crying one usually saw on movie screens. It was harsh and full, loud and so broken he could barely connect the sound of it to such a strong woman who walked through the daylight with her chin up high. He wanted to burn the world for her; anything to make it better.

It took a long time for the storm of her tears to slow. Sakura never released her tight grip around her own knees and Kakashi never tried to approach her. He sat at the opposite side of the room, perched on the chair by her perfectly organized desk. The chair was pink and delicate and he felt a little like a wooden doll sitting on it, pretty to look at but so utterly useless. Still, he made sure not to make any sudden movements, waiting until Sakura slowly raised her head to give him a hesitant look.

“Hey,” he murmured. Her eyes were red and swollen, the bits of her cheeks that he could see were splotchy, and he just wanted to pull her in to his arms and try to make her feel better.

“You’re still here…” She didn’t sound upset by the fact, which he was grateful for. Instead she sounded as though she were surprised.

“Of course I am,” he assured her. “I’m not sure what it was but I did something which upset you. I would hardly leave you alone after that.”

Her head shook, bottom lip trembling. “No! It wasn’t your fault. I’m just…I…” Her voice wobbled and fresh tears gathered in her eyes until Kakashi leaned slowly to one side, allowing the slight movement to catch her eye without seeming a threat.

“Hey, it’s okay.” He clasped both hands in his lap, making himself as steady as possible. “I don’t think it was your fault either. We all have bad memories Sakura; some people just have worse ones than others. And they carry those memories with them, trying to let them go but never able to put them down. And I know that sometimes those memories come back to us when we least want them to.”

She looked shaken by his words, or possibly by the fact that he didn’t seem very bothered by her display. It hurt him to see her hurting, of course, but it certainly wasn’t enough to make him turn tail and run for the hills. He cared about her too much to drop her like a hot potato at the slightest sign of what some would call baggage. In his experience, every shinobi had baggage. Some of it was job related and some of it wasn’t, sometimes it was simple and sometimes it was crippling. It didn’t matter what it was. What mattered was that Sakura, in this moment, needed a little comfort.

“How can I help?” he asked. His partner drew her brows together, gnawing on her lip.

“I…I want a hug.”

“Is it okay for me to come over there and hug you?”

She nodded slowly and Kakashi gave her an encouraging smile as he stood and made his way to where she had huddled in to the corner. He kept it to a short hug, pulling away after only a few moments and settling down on the mattress with his back to the wall and a foot of space between them. He could see the internal struggle going on inside her, the want to be closer but the need for personal space right now.

“I’m sorry…”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Kakashi smiled at her again but she tucking her chin back against her knees, body language cutting herself off from the world around her.

“It’s just that…I…”

“Sakura.” He waited for her eyes to slowly meet his before continuing, “You don’t have to explain yourself if you don’t want to. You can talk to me if you want but you don’t have to. All I need to know is what I did that was bad so I can avoid doing it again in the future. I just don’t want to hurt you, love.”

The look she gave him was one he was familiar with, a feeling he had struggled with himself quite a few times. It was a look that said his kindness was almost painful to her because she neither felt she deserved it nor knew how to deal with it. His heart ached for her, such a sweet woman who deserved no unhappiness. He ached to take the pain for her and bear it in her stead.

Though her body did not uncurl, Kakashi was surprised to see some of her muscles loosen as she steadied herself with a tremulous sigh. Her eyes dropped away from his and concentrated on a blank spot of wall across the room from them.

“No, I think you deserve to know. I’d hoped that I would…be okay. I didn’t expect the memories to stop me from being happy with you – I feel safe with you! But it did happen and you deserve to know why.” She stopped to take another breath, bracing herself to keep going. “Sasuke didn’t leave the village again to ‘repent’ like everyone thinks. He…he left because Shishou told him if he ever set foot in the village again she would feed him his vertebrae one by one.”

“That sounds like her,” Kakashi murmured carefully, not looking where this was going.

“When we got married everything was fine. I’d been dreaming about it since we were children and I thought all of my dreams were coming true. Things were a bit different from how I had pictured them but I didn’t think too much of it. He was going through a hard time and – no. No those were my excuses for him. I wanted to think that he cared but he didn’t so I made excuses. So when he started acting strange I thought perhaps I had done something wrong and he encouraged me to believe that. And when he would only have sex if I let him hold me down I thought it was because having only one arm made him feel weak. So I let him.”

Sakura paused to draw a tremulous breath, her entire body shaking like a leaf.

“I don’t know why I didn’t stop him. Physically I’m stronger so I should have been able to when I wanted it to stop but I just…didn’t. I told him no but he held my arms like always and took what he said he needed. It took a few times before I realized that it wasn’t me he needed, it was – he wanted a child. Not because he wanted to be a parent but because he wanted me to be some kind of breeding animal and resurrect his clan through my womb alone.”

“Oh Sakura…”

“And I understood after that. I did. I knew why he stayed and why he had really married me. I knew that he had never loved me. But I still let him do those things to me. I let him hold me down like that and…do...that…even when I said no. I could have stopped him! Why did I never stop him?!”

Kakashi slowly reached out his hand, not touching but hovering his fingers halfway between them.

“I’m not the person to ask that question to Sakura,” he said. “I could tell you silly things like ‘it was because you loved him’ but they wouldn’t really be healthy things to tell hear. I can listen though, if you ever need to talk. You know that I’ll always be here.” Sakura gave him such an incredulous look that he felt another small piece of his heart break.

“You really still want to stay?” she asked. He’d never heard her voice so small.

“I’m not going anywhere Sakura. I don’t love you any less just because some bad things have happened to you in the past. Now that I understand what happened I can avoid doing that in the future and we can talk if you need to about anything else I should avoid doing. There isn’t a lot I can do to help but I’ll do what I can, okay?”

He very nearly shuddered just thinking about how badly he had unknowingly messed up. Of course it would bother her for him to hold her wrists like he had, going through what she did. He would make sure it never happened again. Just because he found the move arousing didn’t mean others did and refraining from doing that one little thing was a small sacrifice to make for the sake of her comfort.

There would be other things he could do for her, other ways he would be able to change their daily lives to help her be more comfortable. Kakashi thought of all the little things he had already noticed in her behavior. There were already things he tried to do to help make things easier for her but now that he understood why he could do better. The more she opened up to him the more he could help her – and when it came to the things she couldn’t open up to him about he could still make sure she understood that he loved her. That he would make this space as safe for her as possible.

Sakura was crying again when she slowly crawled in to his arms, allowing him to cautiously wrap her up in a tight hug.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and Kakashi kissed the crown of her candy pink hair before shaking his head.

“I know that sometimes you get tired of hearing it but you are so strong, Sakura. Not just physically. We all know that you can bring down entire buildings with a single blow but that’s not what I mean.” Kakashi closed his eyes and laid his cheek against her hair. “You have a strong heart too. And I could not possibly be more proud of you.”

Instead of answering, Sakura curled tighter in to his chest as her tears flowed faster and returned to loud weeping. This time, though, her sobs had a cathartic sound to them. Perhaps for the first time since she had escaped from under the thumb of her terrible experiences, Sakura allowed herself to let it all out. Kakashi held her tightly and rocked them back and forth gently, saying nothing. For the moment there was nothing more to say.

Later there would be time for many more words. There would be time for Kakashi to wonder how he had missed the signs and feel terrible that he hadn’t been able to be there for her when this had all been happening. He knew himself well enough to admit there would even be time for plotting vicious payback against a certain someone should they ever cross paths again.

Most importantly, however, after all that, there would be time for healing.

#rae writes #kakasaku #kakashi #sakura #fanfiction #naruto shippuden #tw rape mention #tw abuse mention

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yogaadvise · 5 years ago

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5 Yoga Poses and Journaling Exercises, Paired for Inner Healing

There's a stating in yoga exercise--" Your problems remain in your tissues." It's amusing shorthand, yet real. It is not unusual to be in a yoga exercise technique just to discover the disturbing sensation of anger, jealousy, or resentment arise from what looks like out of nowhere. Fortunately is that yoga exercise can assist you acknowledge as well as digest your hard feelings-- whether they emerge on or off the mat.

You bump up against the body-feelings nexus any kind of time you remain in a yoga exercise course. As well as there are times in life when you want is to be anywhere except where you are. It's a natural component of the human experience. And also yet, if you can learn to stay with discomfort, the next moment commonly generates something brand-new and also sweet-- release, catharsis, or combination. What brings you to the yoga floor covering over and also over is that wonderful feeling of efficiency as well as peace when you remain present with whatever develops during technique, as well as additionally when you bring what exists in your day-to-day life to the mat.

Journaling is an additional technique that can assist you find quality in the mire of sensation and also sensation. It can really feel like speaking to a good buddy or therapist-- just that thoughtful, wise individual beyond of the dialogue is you. A journaling technique can be carried out in a stream-of-consciousness kind of means, or it can take the type of details inquiries as well as responses. Do whatever helps you.

In the spirit of query, integrating yoga and journaling can produce riches of self-understanding. Here's a yoga and journaling sequence for recognizing, digesting, as well as integrating emotions that occur for you on and off the yoga mat. This practice includes longer holds of stances (one to three minutes) because that permits room for feelings to bubble to the surface area. Use a timer to ensure that you don't need to maintain track yourself, and maintain a journal as well as pen nearby. Consider making use of the antique, hands-on art of putting pen to paper as opposed to keying your notes-- research studies show that the plain existence of computer systems or smart devices modifies the method you think.

1. Child's Pose (Balasana)

Child's Pose is the best, peaceful starting point for this journaling and also yoga exercise practice.

Start on all fours in Table Pose.

Bring your big toes with each other, different your knees, as well as push your hips back toward your heels.

Rest your forehead on the floor or your piled hands.

Exert mild pressure on your forehead toward the eyebrow line (as opposed to the hairline) to ground and relieve your body and also mind.

Stay in the present for 2 minutes.

Regulate the size of your breath to a pattern of four counts inhalation, and 8 counts exhalation.

Check out directions for 5 different adjustments for your Kid's Pose.

Journaling Exercise:

Ask on your own, "How does my body feel? What are the sensations in my muscles, bones, joints, as well as body organs?" Try not to inform on your own a story regarding why you really feel the means you do. Just notice the sensations.

Next, ask, "Is my mind calmness or agitated? Where are my thoughts drawn? Is there a predominating topic to my reasoning, or am I drew in several directions?" Once more, attempt not to slam or describe any one of this to on your own. Just observe and also permit to be as you are.

Last, ask, "What is my state of heart, or emotion, at this minute?" See if you can put a name to several sensations, also if they're tough ones. Bear in mind that individuals can hold numerous-- sometimes clashing-- feelings. You could register fear, hopefulness, despair, impatience, and like done in the very same moment.

Write down your observations before transitioning to the following activities. It serves to tape even the noticeable things, such as "I'm starving" or "My back really feels achy." This is a workout in deep self-awareness, as well as that begins with the outermost layer-- the body.

2. Free-Form Cat and Cow (Marjariasana and Bitilasana)

This enlivening workout will prepare your body to hold the poses that follow.

Come back to Table Pose.

Move your back in gentle onward as well as back bends (also known as curving as well as rounding).

As you breathe in, lift your tailbone and chin upward toward the skies as well as allow your tummy relocate down towards the earth.

As you breathe out, draw your tummy into your back as well as round your back toward the ceiling as you put your chin and also tailbone.

Alternate these 2 movements a number of times.

Now, allow this movement evolve. You can guide your hips side to side, or do circles and barrel rolls-- whatever sorts of mild activities stir up and energize your spine.

Let it really feel great and let your body-- as opposed to your program-- lead the method. All the while, stay knowledgeable about your physical, mental, as well as psychological landscape.

Journaling Exercise: Notification the impacts of these simple motions in your body. Ask, "Just how has my body responded? Do I feel awake in my body-- or tired, or tight, or kicked back, or another thing? What sort of ideas exist? Have my sensations shifted from a moment ago?"

Remember, it's okay if sensations as well as feelings shift, and also it's okay if they stay the very same. The function of this exercise isn't to compel an adjustment, yet merely to grow your awareness.

3. Downward-Facing Dog (Adho Mukha Svanasana)

Downward Pet, an ubiquitous yoga position, offers a luxurious stretch to the whole rear of your body from legs to spine as well as shoulders-- as well as is a healthy and balanced place to hold and also observe. A light inversion, it allows more blood flow to your brain.

From Table Posture, walk your hands a few inches onward, curl your toes under, and press up and back to Downward Dog.

First, pedal your heels as well as release any tension from your head and neck.

Then, align your arms, lengthen your upper body, raise your resting bones up and also back, press your thighs towards the wall surface behind you. Flexing your knees is completely okay here.

Encourage your heels toward the floor if that's offered to you.

Try to keep every one of these activities in the body while taking a breath deeply and also holding the pose for 2 to 3 minutes.

Take a brief remainder in Youngster's Posture, and after that return to your journal.

Journaling Exercise: Exactly how did your body feel? What kinds of ideas existed? Did you experience resistance to the lengthy hold of the pose? Did your mind roam, as well as if so, where did it go? What kinds of feelings emerged? Are they the very same ones from your initial round of journaling a couple of mins ago, or did they change? How do you feel now that it's done?

4. Pigeon Pose (Kapotasana)

According to chakra theory, the hips are the seat of the sacral, or second, chakra, and also control the emotions. Simply put, you might discover that your problems are most specifically in your hip tissues!

From Table Pose, slide your right knee behind your right wrist.

Flex your right foot as well as slide the heel towards the front of your mat.

Slide your left upper leg back as well as straighten the left knee, then broaden the left side of the hips toward the left, and also descend your hips and butts closer to the floor.

Walk your hands forward, relax your temple on your forearms, on a block, or on the floor.

Breathe. Allow experiences to be there. Kick back all that you can.

Sometimes unexpected despair or pain can show up here, if you permit it. Splits can supply a welcome launch from previous injures that you may-- or might not-- bear in mind consciously. Try to permit on your own this experience without classifying feelings as excellent or negative, and also without pushing them away. After 3 mins, change sides. Upon releasing Pigeon Posture, return to your journal.

Journaling Exercise: Observe on your own in body, mind, and also emotion, and also document what you discover, together with any insights. You might ask yourself: "Where, specifically, did I really feel Pigeon Pose in my body? The back leg or the front leg? The external hip or the butts? What was the high quality of that feeling-- deep or shallow, localized or diffuse, positive or extreme? Where are my thoughts currently? Is it getting easier to anchor right into the here and now moment by linking recognition of my body, mind as well as heart? Did my feelings alter or escalate in Pigeon Posture? Were any kind of memories or past experiences activated?"

If you locate yourself dismayed or flustered hereafter method, or if you have unaddressed injury in your past, seek the assistance of an experienced specialist. There are lots of specialists that make use of a somatic, or body-centered, approach.

5. Corpse Pose (Savasana)

Also called yogic leisure or Savasana, this is the supreme minute to incorporate the physical-mental-emotional experience you have actually had.

Lie flat on your back as well as relax your legs to be equivalent distance from the mid-line.

Open your arms to a 45-degree angle, transforming your hands up. Make the effort to establish Savasana in a symmetrical method to make sure that your Prana, or life power, flows unimpeded via your physical and psychological bodies-- bringing rest, integration, as well as ease.

Let go of idea, evaluation, as well as analysis, as well as allow your mind to drift or wander if it wishes to. You might discover on your own honored with an experience of pure Being.

Stay in Savasana for five to ten minutes.

Journaling Exercise: Strategy this last round of journaling as a method to integrate the entire experience. What are the impacts of the entire practice in your body, mind, and heart? How do you feel now? Do you have a message for on your own moving on, or an affirmation about what you wish to produce? Once more, count on whatever pertains to you presently, without judging or censoring. Practicing understanding of body, mind and also heart can result in more liberty, if you enable it.

If it comes conveniently, you can end this exercise with a petition. You may ask that your problems be minimized, or for advice as well as instructions. Or you might merely claim, "thank you for the presents and understandings of this method. May I have compassion, and might I see the light in all beings."

These presents will certainly each link your mind and body differently, which indicates that they all have the potential to launch different ideas as well as sensations. Take the additional time in these postures to heart as well as utilize your journal to better explore pertains to the surface.

*Editor's Note: The info in this short article is intended for your instructional usage just, does not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Chopra Facility's Mind-Body Medical Team, as well as is not an alternative to specialist medical recommendations, diagnosis, or treatment. Always look for the advice of your doctor or other competent health and wellness suppliers with any kind of concerns you might have relating to a medical condition and also before taking on any type of diet, supplement, health and fitness, or various other health program.

Learn the 7 Spiritual Laws of Yoga, our trademark form of yoga exercise that strengthens your link to spirit and stimulates profound healing at Seduction of Spirit, our signature reflection as well as yoga retreat led by Deepak Chopra. Learn More.

#bikram yoga #healing #spiritual #yoga #yoga retreat

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kvotheunkvothe · 8 years ago

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I wrote a thing (well, two things), based off a prompt that says person A is faking being asleep and person B essentially confesses their love. Don’t remember where the initial prompt was from. Aaaand I didn’t stick very close to the prompt.

But anyway, I wrote the first one, which is sad, and the second one, which is fluff and kind of an apology for the sad one. Enjoy.

“Are you awake?”

She propped herself up a bit to look into his face. His eyes remained closed, but he lifted his brows slightly, humming an inquiry. She should let him sleep. She knew she should. He always seemed exhausted these days, with hollows carved around his eyes, the fine bones of his face pressing against his thin flesh. With his sharp gaze hidden behind his lashes and the loose, trusting sprawl of his limbs beneath her on the bed, he looked so defenseless. He would be traveling again, tomorrow, and he would need the energy.

But: “I’m sorry, I just couldn’t sleep, yet. I was running over your itinerary, again.”

“Mm-hmm?”

“And how afternoon would probably be a better time for you to leave?”

“Mm…”

“Times of day still seem to correspond between our worlds. If you left in the afternoon, you could conserve water by traveling more at night, just while you readjust from the Dust. I know there’s the visibility issue, but—“

His chest moved with his slow breath. Her hand on his sternum felt the dual beat of his heart and his Summoning, the latter tightly controlled even in sleep. And he had quite clearly drifted off, failing to stir even as she traced a finger along his jaw line, over the scraggly blond hairs he’d failed to trim away.

“I hope you remember to shave, before you leave,” she murmured. “I know you’ll forget if I don’t remind you, and then you won’t while you’re gone. You always neglect yourself more while you’re gone.” She laid her palm against his cheek, musing, “A beard might be an improvement. Mask some of the hollowness in your cheeks. But I dunno if it’d work. Your facial hair’s always been so patchy and thin…

“You must really be asleep if you’re not even going to defend that,” she sighed, putting her head down so it rested against his chest again, letting his steady heartbeat comfort her. Tracing the harsh lines of his ribcage. Such a fragile trap to house so many vital organs. “I wish you would. Defend yourself more. Take better care of yourself. I know you didn’t ask for this. I know things are rough over there. I know… why you can’t stay. But I wish you would, anyway. It’s… different, when you’re not here. It’s worse. Or. I guess I mostly mean it’s better when you’re here. Even when I’m working, when I have to concentrate: just feeling you near, being able to talk to you, to touch you, whenever… I know that’s selfish. And I don’t even know if that’s what either of us would even want, if I had my way.”

The combustion of his mortal engine was like a brand all along her side, making her sweat even in the somewhat chilly room. Even so, she burrowed a little closer against his warm side, feeling heat collecting behind her eyes and in her cheeks.

“But that doesn’t change anything. I still hate it. God, I hate it. I hate it. I hate seeing you leave. I hate not knowing if you’re all right, if I’m ever going to see you again. I hate that, so often, you leave without even saying goodbye, even though you know—you know—it might be your last chance, and you don’t take it. I hate waking up to an empty house, an empty feeling in my chest, this… this sinking sensation that it’s something I did, that I brought this on myself, th-that I’m not worth staying for, and I know. I know. I know it’s not that, I know, but it doesn’t change it, not a bit. And I hate that we can’t really talk about it, that you’re just as stuck as I am, and it still won’t stop this from happening. That it doesn’t matter what either of us wants. That w-we’re dropped coins carelessly scattered onto a table, currency, acted upon, our trajectories predetermined, spinning, spinning, careening—”

She could feel herself trembling as she wiped away an errant tear. Timing her breaths to his slower, steadier ones, trying to master herself. After a long moment, she felt able to lean up on one elbow and press a soft kiss, just to the corner of his mouth. Still sweet with the herbs he consumed. She thought she felt him twitch, a very faint furrow crossing his brow under the golden sweep of his hair.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered, settling back. “I know. It’s… it’s not worth getting worked up over. It just… is what it is. I’m sorry. I’ll be okay. And it’ll all be okay. However bad it gets. We’ll make it okay.”

She huffed out a breath, the catharsis of some confession letting her eyelids drag. Within a few minutes, he felt the taut muscles of her body relax against him as she drifted off to sleep.

He finally let himself open his eyes. His emotions a dark tangle that writhed in the center of him. It was with a kind of patient cruelty he forced himself to stay awake and feel this. To acknowledge it. To know it was real. Lying unmoving. Watching the shadows cross her room with the moon’s slow fall towards dawn.

.....

His eyes felt crusty and sore as blinked the printed words out of them, setting the book aside. Another night had crept away from him, somehow. The coffee on the nightstand was lukewarm, untouched. Beside him, the lump in the bed didn’t stir as he finally turned the light out.

“Cathy, dear?” he whispered.

She made such a small shape under the covers. He almost didn’t trust his hands as they slid over her form, the soft contours of shadow and moonlight—it was still difficult to believe that all that she was, that all the grace and fire and passion of her could be contained in such a little thing.

She lay on her side, turned towards him. He wondered if she’d been watching him while he’d had his nose buried in a book, and he regretted wasting those hours. He brushed her short hair from her brow, waiting for his eyes to adjust to the dark. Letting his fingers trace down her features: the little ski-jump of her nose, the scars along her cheeks, the full richness of her mouth. If his eyes continued to go—as he grimly suspected they might—if it all went fully dark, he wanted to remember every inch of this face. To let the twin suns in her eyes be his sharpest memory of light.

Her skin was a spark against the dry tinder in him, electric, falling into sync with the animating energy of her unquiet spirit. He shivered with it, adjusting to their resonance, letting his forehead dip to press against hers as he released a low breath.

Her energy was too fire-bright for her to actually be asleep. Perhaps she skimmed along the edge of its dark waters, dipping her toes in.

“Did I wake you?”

“Mm still ‘sleep,” she insisted, but the corners of her mouth were tugging up. He watched them move, fascinated, fighting the compulsion to see if he could taste that little lie still clinging to her lips.

“Oh, are you sure?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Sleeping people generally keep their eyes closed.”

She promptly squeezed shut the eye she’d been surreptitiously peeking from. The flutter of her, long, dark lashes creating a cascading thunder in his chest. Her shoulders were shaking with suppressed laughter.

“And they don’t giggle,” he warned, just to get her to snort. “You’re sure you’re asleep, then? Mm. Well. If it’s just me, I suppose I can say whatever I like, and you’re not going to hear me? ‘Sblood, imagine all the embarrassing nothings that might come out of my mouth. It’s a very good thing you can’t hear me pathetically lamenting that I can’t share the pleasure of your conversation for just a little longer, awash in your brilliant rhetoric, glowing in the warmth of your bright sunflower eyes. I am truly devastated.”

Her face had been steadily growing redder, her fists creeping up to cover the brushfire. He could feel the warmth practically radiating off of her.

“Nothing? Ah, well, I could move on to some of your other virtues. Cleverness, kindness, generosity. A shocking amount of fortitude. And then of course there are your physical qualities—now, where should I start there? Perhaps with your largest asset—“

“Stop, stop, you win!” She laughed, helplessly, putting her palms over his grinning mouth, unable to take any more of this ridiculous flattery. Her face felt like it was about to melt off of her skull. “Your shameless lies got you what you wanted: I’m awake and about to die of embarrassment.”

She still didn’t really believe him. And maybe he was partially to blame for that, posing this all as a joke. But she’d never have let him talk for so long without objection, otherwise.

“Well. Don’t die yet,” he implored, taking her hands off his mouth to kiss her knuckles, and then the soft skin on the inside of her wrists, and then over her older scars trailing down her arms. “The night is young. I’m sure I’ll think of plenty more embarrassing things to say, yet.”

#lying awake #drabbles #sumflowers #ahod

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