#I am now sure it's the fucking italian air

[maraguanabana]

CARLOS SAINZ ON POLE MY GODNESS MIRACLES DO EXIST 🙌🏼

btw what was that quali- that shit had me on the edge of my chair, wanting to scream and I coULDN'T BECAUSE I WAS AT WORK AAAAAGHHHHHHHH

But yeah, interesting quali, imo

[tgmsunmontue]

Season to Taste - 41/42 WIP

Explicit Hangster - Celebrity Chef Bradley and Naval Aviator Jake Seresin who have a relationship spanning the globe before they realize how tightly bound they are to one another.

PROLOGUE/1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 (interlude) 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 (interlude) 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 (interlude) 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 (interlude)

CHAPTER FORTYONE

                “So… I gotta ask. Why do you call him Leo?”

                “It’s how he introduced himself…” Jake says with an easy shrug, and across the room Vi is snorting into her glass of wine, and Maverick is looking curious.

                “In my defense, I didn’t think I’d ever meet you again…” Leo says, and Jake grins. Leo doesn’t hesitate, kissing Jake’s cheek again. He knows the other Daggers are seeing a side of him he doesn’t often expose when he’s working, the side that is saved up for his family and Leo. And occasionally Javy and Phoenix and sometimes Fritz. Less often though.

                “Wait… When did you two meet?”

                “2008.”

                There are collective exclamations of surprise at that and Jake laughs, because it’s a lifetime ago.

                “No way have you been with him since 2008…” Javy says and Jake gives him a conceding nod, because no, of course he hasn’t. Hell. He didn’t even come out to Javy until after DADT had been repealed. Only his family knew.

                “We met again in 2016. In Texas. At the farmers market my family goes to. Bumped into each other. Literally.”

                “Jake was his Cinderfella…” Vi says from across the room, and Jake snorts, because that name will never not be funny to him.

                “Vi… come on.”

                “No wait, I want to hear this,” Fanboy says, looking invested, and Jake guesses that other than Fritz, Javy and Phoenix the others don’t really know him that well.

                “Bradley here is called Leonardo by all my family. Our family.”

                “Wait. I thought you said you were Hangman’s cousin…”

                “I am.”

                “I am so confused right now.”

                “Okay. Short story time,” Vi says, clapping her hands together, and Jake knows she’s had to explain how their family is connected so many times now that she has it down to a fine art. He’s interested how she’s going to include Leo in her story though. “Bradley moved to Italy when he was eighteen and pretty much got adopted by the Gallo family, and my uncle Leandro just started calling him Leonardo. Leo.”

                “Rooster… Gallo…” Phoenix says, and she’s rubbing at her face and looking at Vi warily, and then looking at Jake and he just raises an eyebrow, not quite sure what’s going on there, but no doubt Leo will figure it out and tell Jake all about it.

                “Gallo like in… gallows?”

                “No, gallo is Italian for rooster. Anyway, Leo becomes part of our family. My uncle Leandro and aunty Silvia never had children, so Bradley is their son.”

                Leo ducks his head at that, and Jake knows he’s got complicated emotions around his own parents, and his relationship with Maverick and Admiral Kazansky. Knows he loves Leandro and Silvia fiercely, along with the entire Gallo family.

                “Anyway,” Vi stresses, bringing attention back to her. “These two met, shared a dance and then Jake ran away into the night, leaving behind a heart broken Bradley…”

                “Fuck off, I wasn’t heartbroken…” Leo mutters and Jake lets out a laugh.

                “You left him hanging? Wow Hangman…”

                “A dance huh?” Omaha asks, putting air quotes around the word dance and Leo laughs beside him but Jake is flipping him the finger.

                “Get you mind out of the gutter Omaha.”

                “Ah. Hence the Cinderfella moniker…”

                “Yes. Anyway, fast forward eight years and they bumped into each other at a farmers market in Texas and the rest is history. Been together ever since. They’re disgustingly in love. Any questions so far?”

                She looks like she’s daring the rest of the squad to say something and Jake grins, lets himself lean against Leo’s body and get wrapped in his arms, because yeah, disgustingly in love pretty much sums it up for him.

                “Good. Now it get’s a little confusing. Our great-great grandfather Leonardo Seresin had four children,” Vi says, holding her hand up and showing four fingers. “A son, the eldest, twin girls, and then another daughter. With me so far?” Nods all round, and then Vi holds up her other hand with three fingers. “Great. Then over here we have the Gallo family. Three kids. Oldest is a daughter, then two sons. These three Gallo siblings marry the three eldest Seresin offspring.”

                Jake lets himself zone out a little, has had it explained so many times now, has had to explain it himself, has seen the family tree and photos… yeah. He knows how they’re all related. He’s more interested in watching the Daggers as they listen with avid curiosity, looking between Jake and Vi and then Leo and every time they pass over Leo they seem to do a little double take and Jake realizes it’s because of who Leo is. Famous. It hits him then and he starts a little.

                “Wait… fuck. My sisters. They all know don’t they?”

                “Know what?”

                “How famous you are.”

                “Yeah, right from the beginning. Maria really tried to drop some hints…”

                “Oh fuck… the recipe books… the film crew you brought in for my mom’s videos… oh my god. I’m an idiot.”

                “No… I just don’t think it was important enough for you to care about. You figured out that Ice and Maverick were part of my life without me telling you. That’s a lot more important to me.”

                “I asked Olivia if she was a fan, and she said yes… they’re never going to let me here the end of this.”

                “Yeah, you’re probably right.”

                “I’m just… You know what? I’m just going to pretend I don’t know. Doesn’t change anything anyway.”

                “I know…” Leo says, and he’s looking at Jake with such blatant adoration in his eyes he feels his stomach swoop, because this is the man he’s going to marry. “Love you.”

                “Love you too.”

…            …            …

                Bradley doesn’t think he’s felt such a huge gamut of emotions in such a short period of his life ever before. From believing that Jake and Mav were both missing, presumed dead, to them being alive, the relief and joy, then the sick churning in his gut over telling Jake about Ice and Mav, only to find he already knew… then to being seething mad from reading the report. And swinging back around to relief.

                He doesn’t want to let him go, the afternoon apart has more than tried him and he’s worked through the worst of his anger over Jake and Mav’s idiocy. At least Ice will deal with Mav. He refocuses back on the conversation, isn’t quite sure what Vi has just said but glad he’s been able to pass off the explanation to someone else so he can just hold Jake close.

                “Holy shit. Really?”

                “So when we went for that meal in Italy that time…? That was all your family as well?” Phoenix is asking Vi, and she’s studying Phoenix over the rim of her wineglass.

                “Yes,” Vi states, and Bradley isn’t quite sure why her tone is that sharp, but he’ll ask later.

                “I’m still confused.”

                “Not your family bro, I’d just give up.”

                “Oh my god… Seresin’s Sauce. That’s… you actually made that for him. It’s actually his ketchup. We just thought he was all ego…”

                “Hey!” Jake objects.

                “Sure did.”

                “I gave him so much shit about falling in love with a guy who puts sauce on everything…” Vi says, Bradley laughs as Jake gives her the finger. Glancing at his watch he presses his fingers into Jake’s side gently.

                “Want to come help me in the kitchen?” Bradley asks. They both know that Jake isn’t likely going to help, that he usually just keeps Bradley company. Unless he’s adamant about cooking for Bradley, Jake is happy to let him do everything. Bradley likes it that way, but right now he wants to make out with him a little without an audience.

                “Wait, can Hangman actually cook?”

                “Yeah, he’s a decent cook,” Bradley offers and Jake looks smug. Bradley is overwhelmed with relief that he’s here and he’s okay.

…            …            …

                Leo pulls the door to the kitchen shut very firmly behind them and then leans forward to press a hot urgent kiss against Jake’s mouth. He’s being so careful of Jake’s injuries, it’s sweet, but Jake is definitely feeling better, even if he’s not going to be up for anything close to what he wants to do. He’s already well aware that he could happily go to bed right now if it was a choice. But it’s not. Leo’s fingers skate down his ribs, settle gently on his hip and he lets himself just enjoy being close, in his space again.

                “Missed you this afternoon.”

                “Yeah. Missed you too. Glad we’ve got this time together right now. And I get to meet your friends…”

                “Mmm. Bunch of assholes.”

                “You fit right in then huh?”

                “Yeah, but so will you.”

                Then Leo is pulling back and Jake can see the organized chaos behind him and –

                “That is a fuck load of food…”

                “Yeah well. You know me…”

                “You cook when you’re stressed. And angry. And to show your love…”

                “And when it’s one person who is the cause of all of that?”

                “Shit… I’m sorry baby…”

                “Not your fault. Some of it was definitely self-inflicted. Here. Take this out and pass it around…”

                “What, am I your waiter now?”

                “Just want to see your ass…”

                Jake laughs but does as he’s told.

…            …            …

                “Three months? You’ve got leave for three whole months?”

                “Did you miss the bit where we nearly died?”

                “Don’t you dare fucking joke about that Jake…”

                Jake snaps his mouth shut and presses a soft kiss to Leo’s forehead in silent apology.

                “Three months… you don’t think you’ll get sick of me?”

                “Nope. Don’t think that’s possible.”

                “Ugh. Don’t say it like that. I’ll take it as a challenge…”

                “I can think of other things to challenge you with…”

                “Yeah?”

                “Yeah. Once you’re all healed up that is…”

                “Ugh. Spoilsport.”

                “Yeah, you passing out or busting stitches would be really sexy. Such a turn on…”

                Jake pulls a face, because he knows Leo has a point but he already feels better, just tired.

…            …            …

                Bradley knows Ice has pulled strings and not just about the fact that the have a wedding date in February next year, with guaranteed leave for every single person that Jake and Bradley want there who happens to be Navy. He also guesses that Mav’s promotion to Admiral and subsequent retirement is the work of Ice’s meddling, but Bradley cannot find it in him to care. He’s glad, so glad, that Jake and the others have formed a permanent detachment based between Fallon and Corpus Christi.

                There are still periods when they’re apart, but it’s easier somehow now. Able to put faces to all the names that come from Jake’s lips. Also Fritz doesn’t hold back with his requests for baked goods, and Bradley is more than happy to keep the man who saved his godfather and future husband’s lives in baked goods. He’s in a group chat with Coyote, Phoenix and Fritz, and he gets a whole lot more of candid shots of Jake at work, the type he knows Vi has been supplying Jake with for years. It’s nice to have it finally reciprocated.

                The one thing with having a wedding date set, is the sudden number of opinions he’s apparently meant to have on flowers, or table settings, or guest lists. He and Jake have discussed it, and while neither of them care, they’re also aware it’s a big event for their friends and families. It’s definitely part family reunion and Bradley is glad for them all, waves away everyone’s concerns when they say they’re hijacking the wedding. As long as he ends up married to Jake at the end of the day, it’s fine. Saying the don’t care though is a sure-fire way to wind everyone else up though.

                One thing he does care about is something he wants to have made for Jake, as a wedding present

…            …            …

                He’s back home in Texas, curled up in their bed, a weekend of leave and being in Corpus Christi means a weekend with Leo and he couldn’t be happier.

                “So, they’ve given us a shortlist of songs to consider for our first dance…” Jake says, and he knows his sisters are getting a kick out of organizing his wedding, not having to worry about a budget because Leo simply handed over his fucking credit card. An asshole move Jake couldn’t say anything about because he’s still pretending he has no idea just how famous Leo is. He knows he’s on borrowed time for that though, because he’s pretty sure Maria is onto him. “So we have to pick a song to dance to, and a song to walk down the aisle to…”

                “I’ve… uh. Actually got a song in mind. If you don’t have any preferences?”

                Jake blinks and shakes his head.

                “No. No preference. I really… I didn’t dream of this day or anything. I’m looking forward to calling you my husband, but I didn’t plan out my wedding…”

                “Yeah. No. Neither did I. I just… there’s this one song I’d like, if you listen to it and don’t mind. You might think it’s too cheesy…”

                “I don’t care if it’s cheesy. If you want it, you get it…” Jake says, because so far this is the first thing Leo has expressed an opinion about, including the food, which Jake had thought he’d definitely have opinions about. Instead he’s simply passed it all over to Leandro and Silvia , both of whom have taken the job on with glee. Maria and Olivia are in heaven. Jake’s glad to be out of it.

                “Come on… cue it up and play it for me.”

                Leo does as instructed and Jake listens, and yeah, it’s very old-school, and he’s definitely not going to say no. It’s sweet, reminds him of their first kiss over fifteen years ago and where they are now and what they want together. However he’s going to be a little bit of an asshole about it.

                “Am I the bride in this scenario?” Jake asks, sliding his body against Leo’s with a grin, gets a responding grin, Leo’s fingers gripping his ass. Yep. Time for round two.

                “I mean, you could be in your dress whites…”

                “Pfft. I’m not wearing my whites,” Jake says, and it’s automatic. He doesn’t know why, really, but in his gut he doesn’t want his uniform on when he gets married.

                “Mmm, you look so good in them…”

                “I know, but that’s not the point. You want one of us to be in white you can wear your chef whites…”

                “I don’t want to wear my chef whites!”

                “Well, I don’t want to get married in my uniform!”

                Just like that the mood between them has soured and he doesn’t even know why. He’s annoyed more at that, the not knowing the reason and he sits up and scrubs at his face.

                “I… I’m not asking you to. I just said you look good when you do wear them…”

                Jake shakes his head, because he knows that, both that he looks good but also that Leo isn’t asking him.

                “I just… I’m going to go for a run. I’ll be back.”

                He presses a quick kiss to Leo’s mouth, because he’s not angry or upset but he’s something and it’s unsettling.

…            …            …

                He’s fucked up, he doesn’t know how. But he’d played the song, and Jake had seemed fine with it, and then he’d made a comment about Jake’s dress whites, and it had been a joke… maybe that’s where he’d fucked up. He needs to talk to Vi, and he hurries down the hall to her room, knocks and then pushes it open and another bad decision.

                “Augh!”

                “Shit!”

                “Cazzo!”

                He pulls the door shut and stares at it briefly before turning abruptly toward the kitchen. He doesn’t usually drink but this might warrant it. However he’s still just standing there staring at the wines when he sees movement in the corner of his eye and Vi is there, tying a robe closed.

                “You needed something?”

                “Sorry. I… didn’t think you had company.”

                “Well, I didn’t think I’d see you up for air before dinner. So… Cosa c'è che non va?”

                “Uh… I think Jake is getting cold feet.”

                “Nope. That boy’s feet are on fire. Next.”

                “No seriously Vi. We were just… talking. And then he said he had to go for a run.”

                “Talking? About what?”

                “First dance song and what we were going to wear… Uh. Do I know who is in your bedroom?”

                “One issue at a time. Did you tell him he had to wear something?”

                “No. I don’t care what he wears! He looks good in everything!”

                “He does, and he knows it. What’s the issue?” a familiar voice asks and yeah, his hunch was right.

                “Uh… Phoenix. Natasha. Hi.”

                “Hi Bradley.”

                “Um. Sorry about… before.”

                “It’s fine. We should have used the lock. Vi just seemed to think you’d be distracted for a while.”

                “And usually Vi would be right…” Bradley mutters, because as much as he wants all the gossip right now and when the hell this came about, he’s quietly freaking out about where Jake is and more importantly what he’s thinking.

                “So… Hangman’s left you hanging again. He’ll be back. That man is many things, and stupid about you is one of them.”

                “I just want to know what I did wrong so I don’t fuck up again…”

                “You said first dance song and what you were going to wear. What did you suggest he wear?”

                “I made a joke about his dress whites… but that’s all it was. I don’t care what he wears.”

                “Huh.”

                “What?”

                “Could be nothing, but…” she shrugs, lips twisted in something as she looks at Vi and then away again. “We both served under DADT. It’s hard to be loyal to your service while also being true to yourself. For all Hangman’s ego and confidence now, I can’t imagine it was the same before DADT was repealed. Maybe it was, I didn’t know him then…”

                “Huh,” Bradley says, because of course he hadn’t thought about that for Jake. He’s thought about it for Ice and Mav of course, but Jake and him have never been together under DADT. DADT has never had any impact on him at all. He doesn’t know if that’s the answer, but it’s still enough to ease his immediate panic. Jake had kissed him. It’s fine. He’ll be back.

…            …            …

                He’s dripping sweat, cursing himself for going running in the near midday heat. He should know better, but he’d needed to clear his head and he thinks he has it figured out. And he thinks he can explain it to Leo as well, which is the most important part. He pushes open the front door and heads directly for the kitchen, needs water but also it’s where he expects to find Leo likely stress cooking. Except he’s not there and he stares at Phoenix silently as he downs his bottle of water. This is his fucking house. Well. Leo’s. But still.

                “What the fuck are you doing here?”

                “Having sex with your cousin.”

                “Not right now I hope…”

                “Wouldn’t you like to know…”

                “No. I really wouldn’t. Is Leo…”

                “In your room. Go talk him off the ceiling,” Vi says, stepping into Phoenix’s personal space and he’s not going to show any outward sign of surprise.

                “Thought you’d have better taste Vi…”

                “Fuck you Bagman.”

                “No thanks!” Jake replies.

                “Ho un gusto perfetto,” Vi mutters with narrowed eyes and Jake snorts. Yeah, he guesses she does have perfect taste. He gives them a jaunty little wave and heads away toward his room; pushes open the bedroom door and presses it closed behind him. Leo is lying in the middle of the bed completely naked and Jake’s mouth floods with saliva at the sight.

                “Fuck… could eat you up.”

                “Yeah? Not going to stop you.”

                “Leo…”

                “Jake… I’m sorry. I don’t know what I said, or did…”

                “Shit. No. I… no. Nothing you did. I didn’t mean to make you think it was. Fuck. I’m sorry. I didn’t want you to think it was you. Was just… messy in my head.”

                “It’s fine, I figured out it wasn’t me. I’m sorry too. I don’t care what you wear. I just… I want you to be happy. You could wear a paper bag for all I care…”

                “It’d give you easy access at least…” Jake jokes, and Leo snorts and Jake leans down to kiss him, feels hot and sticky with sweat, but that’s exactly what Leo wants to do to him. “And I figured it out I think. I… my job is important to me, but it isn’t all of me. It isn’t part of my relationship with you. I don’t… I don’t want to have it there on our wedding day.”

                “Okay. That's fine. Good. I wouldn't ever want you to agree with me just to make me happy.”

                “Have I ever agreed with you when I didn’t actually?”

                “I don’t know, maybe you have…”

                “Nah baby, not worth the trouble. We’re perfect just the way we are.”

                “Yeah, we are.”

FORTY-TWO

------- ------- -------

For those of you that like this additional information the song Bradley has asked for is (Today I met) the Boy I'm going marry by Darlene Love, released in 1963.

Today I met the boy I'm gonna marry

He's all I've wanted all my life and even more

He smiled at me and, gee, the music started playing

"Here Comes the Bride" when he walked through the door

Today I met the boy I'm gonna marry

The boy whose life and dream and love I wanna share

For on my hand, a band of gold appeared before me

The band of gold I always dreamed I'd wear

When we kissed I felt a sweet sensation

This time it wasn't just my imagination

Today I met the boy I'm gonna marry

He's just what I've been waiting for, oh, yes

With every kiss, "Oh, this is it", my heart keeps saying

Today I met the boy I'm going to marry

[ghostchems]

Hello! I hope you're having a wonderful day.

I'd like to request some jealous Copia drabble, possibly spicy?

aww man, i am having a wonderful day! mainly bc i've been workin on this, hehe. nsfw. mdni. here, have some fingering! fem reader! copia is possessive!

You don’t know what you’ve done wrong. He’s kept his distance, completely ignoring your existence for nearly half the night. Ghouls, siblings and upper clergy members mingle but you’re left on the outskirts. The party starts to die down and you make sure to stick around to help clean up in an effort to get some alone time with him. A fiery glare lands on you and you can feel it start to burn you, your cheeks reddening and your heart thudding in your chest. Unwell. You are starting to feel unwell just from his look. Copia eyes sharpen and he strides toward you, quickly hooking his hand around your arm and giving you a sharp tug. You have no choice but to trail after him, nearly tripping over your own too feet as you struggle to catch up.

“Did you think I would not see, troia?” Copia slams you against the corridor hall once you’re away from the remaining guests. The rage in his voice cuts right through you.

“What are you talking about?” You are upset, evident in your question as you rip your arm from his firm grasp. His face twists in fury, his mismatched eyes boring into yours before turning away.

“Brother Marcus. I saw you two, pompinara.” You don’t know italian but the tone of his voice makes it clear that he is insulting you.

“Marcus is an acquaintance and we were just chatting.” Ridiculous that you have to defend yourself to him. Ridiculous that he immediately jumped to the worst conclusion. Does he really think so lowly of you? Then, you remember the nature of your relationship; the secrecy, the devotion, the possession. Copia is a strict lover and you find yourself breaking rules you didn’t even know existed often. You squeak as his leather gloved hand snatches you by the chin, dazed by the speed at which he lunged for you.

“You swear?” Copia’s voice drops dangerously low, the smooth leather feels warm on your skin. You feel his other hand start to creep up your leg, his thumb brushing at the hem of your skirt. Eyelashes flutter, giving a nod as you straighten out your posture.

“I swear.” You whisper and make strong eye contact, confidence in your voice. His reaction is immediate, his expression softening and he starts to stroke your lips with a thumb. Tension dissipates even further as he presses his forehead to yours, his other hand now slipping beneath the fabric of your skirt, fingertips skirting the inside of your thigh. You part your lips and flick your tongue at the tip of his thumb. Copia gives a desperate moan and his mouth descends on you, capturing your lips in a ferocious kiss. You manage to draw a sharp gasp before he sucks the air out of you, your fingertips digging into his tight black tailcoat as you part your legs further. Two of his fingers push aside your damp underwear and he slips his middle digit inside your slick cunt. Your body shudders, a whine slipping out of your mouth and into his.

“Say you’re mine and only mine, hmm? Remind yourself of who you belong to.” Copia rasps against your lips and slips another finger inside you, curling them as he reaches your sweet spot. Your toes curl and you let out a shaking breath, your body desperate to feel him against you. He presses his chest flush into yours, trapping you against the wall as his fingers fuck into you, intently watching you.

“I-I’m yours.” You stammer, back arching off the wall and deeper into him until it’s as if his body has consumed you. “Only yours.” It’s hard to squeeze the words out, gasps and moans ripping from your throat, trying to keep your feet on the ground as his fingers mercilessly strokes your core.

“Another reminder for you, amore.” He mouths against your jaw, his hot breath making you shiver. Copia cups your cheek and guides your head so that he can see all of you. Your gaze is already hazy, half-lidded eyes getting lost in his as lightning strikes through your body. His attention is laser focused on your reaction, his lips tugging into a smug grin.

A reminder that no one could pleasure you like he can.

send me a drabble request!

[madeintheniamh]

harry & y/n babymaking please

baby-making in venice

a/n: it is 3am. what on earth am i doing.

warnings: smut & sex

song: delicate- taylor swift

“So I get two gorgeous views tonight. God, I’m a lucky man, aren’t I?” Harry walked over towards the balcony, admiring you from behind. It was a clear summer’s night, as you allowed the Italian air to fill your lungs slowly. You turned around before playfully squeezing his bum. As he leaned into kiss you, you could smell the red wine on his breath.

“I want,” he whispered, before you cut him off, feeling the bulge underneath his trousers which was brushing against your thigh grow slightly. He cupped your tiny frame in his arms and placed you onto the bed, as you felt the freshly ironed cotton sheets make contact with your bare shoulders. “I want you, my love, all of you,”

“Only if you say please,” You teased, as he ripped your lacy thong from off of your hips. He climbed on top of you, his green pools of light now staring directly into yours.

“Please,” he smirked, as you felt his finger slide playfully across your clit, which made you shudder slightly. “Let me take care of you,”

You allowed his fingers to enter you, strong but gentle, whilst he cradled your face, still staring into your eyes. You felt your toes begin to curl up as he pumped back and forth.

“Oh fuck, Harry, that’s so good,” You cried out, your head rolling backwards, sinking further into the pillows. You bit your lip, as you felt hot warm liquid begin to coat your other lips. “Fuck,”

“Are you going to take care of me, too?” He whispered, as he slid his fingers out, and you felt him enter you fully. The headboard continually bashed against the wall, as he slid back and forth inside of you, whilst massaging your clit with his free hand. “You’re being such a good girl, lovey,”

“I know,” You tried to mutter, but the feeling was so good that it came out more like a gasp. “Your good girl,”

“Yes,” he laughed, a stray piece of hair dangling across his forehead. “You’re so tight for me today, angel, now turn around,”

You did as you were told, and arched your back. Your hands were now gripping the edge of the headboard, as he entered you from behind, and you gasped at the force of it. “Fuck, Harry, that’s so good,”

“Good,” he giggled, now thrusting his whole weight into you. “God, you’re going to make me come, baby,”

He rode you backwards and forwards for a few minutes, before you felt him stiffen as the milky liquid sprayed out inside of you. “Fuck, that’s good,”

He lay down next to you for a few minutes, still partially inside of you, as he tucked your hair behind your ear.

“Harry, I have something I need to tell you,” You sighed.

“What is it, lovey,” he whispered, and you could feel his cool breath in your ear. “You can tell me anything,”

“I never,” you stammered. “I ran out of birth control pills,”

He paused for a minute, before smiling. “Is that such a bad thing?”

“Aren’t you annoyed?”

“Baby, I love you. And I want more of you,” He smiled, eyelashes fluttering. “So I wouldn’t mind a little you,”

“Are you sure, Harry? I can find a pharmacy-”

He cut you off by pecking you on the lips. “I’m sure,”

[justanothermarinafan]

For Better or For Worse (Marina Vacation Chronicles) #3

“What are you looking at?”

“You.” Carina says without hesitation, as if she was expecting the question.

“You can’t look at me like that in public.”

“Like what?” Carina says coyly.

“Like you’re about to eat me.”

“Well…”

“Stop.” Maya squirms in her seat, feeling the intensity of Carina’s gaze starting a slow burn in the pit of her stomach.

“Not my fault. Sei assolutamente delizioso.”

The waiter appears next to them taking their empty plates, “The food was good, yes?”

“The food,” Carina grins, still not taking her eyes off Maya as she sips the last bit of her ruby red wine, “was fantastic. Grazie.” She finally tears her eyes away giving Maya some reprieve under the scrutiny, something she’s had to endure most of the night. 

Not that she’s complaining, it was her intention after all. Deciding to wear her wedding dress however was perhaps not the best idea since it feels tighter than the last time she wore it but the self doubt she felt putting it on earlier flew out the window the second she saw Carina’s reaction to her wearing it. It’s a miracle they left the hotel room at all but Maya had a plan and she was hoping Carina would go along with her silly idea.

“You know, we never really had the wedding night we deserved.” Maya swirls around her own wine, briefly distracted by the ring left behind from the dark liquid on the inside of the glass. That’s supposed to mean it’s good wine, she was sure of it and she trusted Carina to only have chosen the best.

“We didn’t, no.”

“I regret a lot of things in life but one of the things I’ll always regret most is not putting my own shit aside for one night for our wedding night and giving you that time, giving us that time to celebrate being newlyweds, you know?”

Carina reaches over the table and takes Maya’s hand in hers, squeezing slightly in understanding but also sympathy, “What are you saying, bambina?”

“I’m saying…well more like thinking or asking really; how would you feel about recreating our wedding night? Or rather create it since we didn’t have much of one in the first place.”

“Pretend like we just got married?”

Maya lifts her shoulder, “I am dressed for the occasion and so are you.”

Maya’s eyes travel down the slope of Carina’s neck stopping at the white collared dress shirt flared open revealing a snippet of Carina’s chest. The shirt was tucked into her high waisted black suit pants and accompanied by, what is now hidden under the table, a black pair of high heels, the come fuck me kind. Carina knew how to wear a suit and Maya would go to her grave defending that statement.

“So basically what you’re saying is that you want to consummate this marriage.”

“Don’t say it like that but yes? Not that we haven’t because we definitely consummated plenty of times.”

“So many times,” Carina laughs, “but not our marriage.”

“Exactly.”

Carina playfully intertwines their fingers, getting lost in them effortlessly woven together and her gaze lands on her own wedding band glistening in the candlelight’s glow.

“Okay. I’m in.”

“Yeah?” Maya smiles.

“I would never say no to you.”

“Good. Because I have a surprise for you.”

“You’ve been planning this?”

“Maybe.”

“Cheque please.” Carina calls to the waiter, pulling a laugh from Maya.

Very few words are exchanged between them up until Carina has to pay the bill. She talks animatedly with the waiter in Italian leaving Maya to admire her from across the table, a palpable tension brewing between them every time they lock eyes during the conversation Maya didn’t understand a word of. 

Maya can’t help but think about how lucky she is to not only have her best friend by her side every day but also her counterpart in every way. There isn’t a day that goes by that she’s not counting her blessings.

“Shall we, my wife.” Carina stands and grabs her matching suit jacket holding her hand for Maya to take and they leave the restaurant, unhurriedly. They walk along the cobblestones, the night air just right with the moon’s reflection perfectly cast over the calm waters.

“You’re very quiet tonight?” Carina had noticed throughout dinner, not that she expected Maya to always be talking because their quiet moments were just as fulfilling and comfortable but she’d notice Maya had been lost in her mind more so than most days.

“I’ve just been thinking.”

“About?”

“You. Us. How lucky I am.”

“You’re not the only one that’s lucky.”

“I know but it just feels so surreal now that we’re here in your home.”

“Maybe by birth but this isn’t home, Maya. You’re my home, always.”

“I know you keep saying that and it’s not less true than the first time you did but it just feels different. I wish I could get married to you again in this place. I want to be married to you in every way.”

Carina sighs wistfully, “It’s no secret that my country doesn’t recognise our love and I can’t do much to change their beliefs but for me, no matter what the law says or where we are, you are my wife in every sense. I’d marry you in a heartbeat in every continent if I could.”

Maya leans into the comfort of Carina’s side as they walk the promenade which was surprisingly devoid of people on such a beautiful serene night. It felt like they were the only two people on the planet.

“I want to show you something. C’mon.” Carina pulls Maya off to one side and they walk down a dark alley and then another until they are in front of a small tucked away chapel. Carina ducks into the building.

“Carina, we can’t just waltz in here, they’re probably closed.”

“They don’t close, bambina.”

They walk into the empty establishment, dimmed lightning casting a warm glow around them, the pews sit empty and candles are lit at the front of the chapel. Carina pulls Maya down the aisle until they reach the front.

“This feels like trespassing.” Maya looks around worried they are going to get caught any moment now.

“It’s fine, we’re good, don’t worry so much.”

Carina takes a stand in front of the altar and pulls Maya in front of her, holding her at arm's length but never letting go of her hand. She takes the other and squares her shoulders.

“What are we doing?”

Carina takes a deep breath, looking at Maya lovingly in front of her, memories of the last time they stood like this comes back in a flash.

“Maya Bishop…”

“Carina what is happening right now.”

“Shht, I’m doing something.” 

Maya looks amused but keeps quiet and gives Carina space to talk.

“Maya Bishop, even though I married you a long time ago, I stand here before you promising to love and to hold you for as long as I have breath in my lungs. I don’t need the church or the government to tell me how I should love…”

“Even though we’re literally in a church right now.” Maya mock whispers.

“It’s for effect. Besides you were the one who wanted to recreate our wedding night. So, shht.”

Maya playfully rolls her eyes, “Okay, fine, go ahead. I won’t interrupt again. I don’t know how you have this speech at the ready but please continue.”

Carina clears her throat for effect, continuing where she left off, “I don’t need anyone to tell me that I can’t love you because I can’t imagine loving anyone else. There is no one on this earth or this lifetime or the next that’s more perfect. You’re it for me and I’d choose you every single time. You are my greatest love and my favourite story and I can’t wait to tell our kids about it one day. Repeatedly.”

Maya opens her mouth to say something but her emotions get the better of her making it difficult to form words. She clears her throat, trying again, “Can I go?”

Carina nods, squeezing Maya’s hands in encouragement. Somehow she knew exactly what she wanted to say, like the words were always locked away until this moment.

“I’ve been in more fires than I can count. I’ve run into them most of my adult life and fire doesn’t faze me. I’m not scared of it. What scares me more than anything is the thought of going through life without you. You always say that I’m your home but you are my world, my universe, my entire being. I will never have the right words to fully express how much I love you. All I can do is to show you every single day and that is my promise to you. I’ll love you every single second of every single day with all that I am. Forever and ever amen. Or something like that.”

Carina lets the lone tear escape but not paying it attention as it drips down her chin while she keeps staring at Maya, “Where was that the first time around.” She jokes, making Maya laugh too. They take a moment to compose themselves.

“Is this the part where I can kiss the bride?”

“I think so, yes.”

Maya pulls Carina in and their bodies collide. They lean into each other at the same time, lips barely touching, just a shared collection of breaths separating them.

“I love you, Carina DeLuca-Bishop.”

“I love you, Maya DeLuca-Bishop.”

Their lips fuse together in a slow but deliberate consummation. Right there in that chapel in Italy they become one and once again declare their love for each other in a biblical capacity. They pull apart slowly, savouring the moment and swaying together in their little bubble.

“Now for the good part.”

...

[onedaughterofman]

Writing Sessions #10 (Papa Emeritus II)

Summary: A curse has fallen on Secondo, and Primo does his best to help. Well, maybe it's not exactly a curse. No. For the first time in forever, Secondo is in love.

A/N: This was inspired by @dearlymrme headcanon. I thought it was amazing and so fitting! Hope you don't mind a little ficlet! Around 800 words.

I love how confused he looks in the gif.

“Remind me why you want this…”

In the candle lit room, Primo’s voice is a tired rasp. There is incense in his hands, an herbal conjunction simmering in a teapot. He is tired, of course, after a long day of tending to his clerical duties. Yet, he can’t deny the way his heart jumped in his chest upon seeing Secondo’s panicked gaze, the quick pace of his breathing.

“I told you, ” Secondo chokes out, still heaving for air. “I need urgent cleansing.”

Urgent. Primo surely hopes this is urgent. It’s three A.M, they both should be sleeping, but Secondo is panting and sweating, so something must be terribly wrong. Maybe he had a bad vision? Perhaps a gruesome epiphany?

Well, for waking him up in a frenzy, Primo hopes Secondo just witnessed the falling of the Ministry in flames and despair. “Don’t worry,” he replies, under his breath. His hands tremble with age, but his fingers manage to deftly move to organize all the necessary ingredients. “This will clean everything.”

“Do the egg thing too.”

Primo gathers another deep breath, cold air filling his lungs and burning in the way in. His brother is too demanding, extremely annoying at this time of the night. “Is there something worrying you in particular? I though you wanted a lighter cleansing, not a whole ritual.”

For long seconds, Secondo merely remains silent. His gaze is obscured by the shadows, head tilted towards the floor. Sitting on an old wooden chair, he looks small, almost like a child about to be scolded. “Someone put a spell on me.”

Now, that’s something to worry about. Primo’s hands halt, half way from reaching the tea pot. Without muttering a word, he reaches for the cups and pour some of the liquid in it, handing it to his brother. Secondo gulps it in one go, face scrunching at the taste. It’s not a surprise. That conjunction is incredibly bitter.

“Do you know who?”

“A Sibling,” Secondo replies, at last. His voice is harsh, words choked in his throat.

“A Sibling?” Primo repeats, gaze immediately falling on the other. He’s surprised, practically speechless. For a Sibling of Sin to ever think about cursing their own Papa… That’s something no one dared before. “Are you sure?”

“I am! That’s why I’m here, asking for your help. I think they put a spell on me. A strong one.”

“What are your symptoms? Tell me all you know.”

The old wall clock ticks slowly. Secondo talks, fast, words falling like a cascade. He can’t stop talking, and the more he tells, the more confused Primo feels. He blindly reaches behind his back, grabbing another chair and pulling it towards himself.

“I see them, I feel them… The sun falling on their hair, the fire in their gaze, the sound of their voice. It haunts me, day and night.”

“Their… voice? Do they speak?”

“They laugh! And it sounds… like a siren’s song. Alluring, charming.”

This time, Primo simply lets his brother continue on his own. Most of the words become a muffled mess at the back of his mind. Oh, how tired he is. Primo has become too old for this.

“Their eyes scorch my soul, I’m telling you! Am I… loosing my mind?”

Muttering a few curses in Italian, Primo lets his head fall into his hands. At least in this position, he doesn’t have to face his stupid brother. “Have you considered you might be in love with them?” He asks, finally. Secondo gasps, dramatically, almost falling from the chair.

“Me, in love? You know me, I'm not that type. Leave that shit to Terzo!”

“What you describe sounds like a crush, stronzo.”

“I sounds like a fucking hex!”

“Why would this Sibling hex you, anyway?”

“Don’t they take witchcraft classes here? Why wouldn’t they?”

Breathe.

Primo inhales again, retaining the air in his lungs before exhaling slowly through his mouth. “Che stai dicendo?” he mutters, again. The headache grows stronger. “Non rompere il cazzo”

This time, at least Secondo has enough survival instinct not to insists. He stays sat on the chair, arms tightly crossed on his chest. Again, Primo thinks he looks like nothing but a child, a confused and even scared one. A part of his heart, a very small one, feels sorry for him.

“I’ll do the egg cleansing too. Only this time, you hear me?” He warns, standing up. His joints creak, and complain. “If there is no hex on you, then you’ll have to accept this might be love.”

“I’d rather have the hex.”

Nodding, Primo lights up the incense and a white candle. “Yes, that’s probably better,” he says, palming the egg and walking the short distance that separates him from Secondo. “Love is a great curse, after all.”

ps: yeah i don't know. This brought back memories of being a child and going to my neighborhood's bruja for cleansings lol.

I had this on my drafts for a while and decided to post it for once. I've been busy lately so I don't think i'll be able to write anything new for a bit.

[heronposting]

Does anyone love Luca Changretta as much as I do? Here is an excerpt I’m composing which is likely to expand into a little slow burn short story.

“What are you doing for the rest of the night, baby?”

“Dancing with you?”

Luca smiled. “Yes you are, doll. Yes you certainly are.”

Luca took my hand and led me to the dance floor. The band was playing an up tempo jazz piece. Everyone was doing some form of quickstep, and we kept pace. When the next song—a slow one—began, Luca pulled me in close. He held my waist with his left hand and my hand with his right. He was quite tall but led the dance elegantly.

I looked into his dark brown eyes with an expression that I hoped depicted innocence and infatuation. My left hand, resting on his shoulder, caressed the material of his jacket.

“This is beautiful,” I murmured, admiring it as much as I was deliberately stroking his ego.

“Yes it is. Finally a woman who recognizes good taste.”

Luca brought me even closer until there was no space between us. I had to focus not to tread on him. I glanced at his lips, then found his eye contact again. Unsure if it was a good idea to do so, I moved my hand to the side of his neck where his cross tattoo was. Luca barely reacted, but he looked at me intensely. I put both my arms around his neck and let him hold me for the rest of the song. His hands were wrapped tightly, and a bit indecently, around my waist.

“What are we drinking?” I asked as the song ended.

“Champagne,” Luca said.

“Sure.”

Luca’s hand never left the small of my back as we went back to the bar and sat together.

“It’s Charlotte, by the way,” I said, extending my hand to him.

Luca half smiled, taking my hand and kissing it.

“A pleasure, Charlotte.”

His voice was husky, almost raspy. As he sipped the champagne, he covertly turned his wrist outward, revealing his Black Hand tattoo. He placed the flute delicately onto the bar.

“And do you know who I am, Charlotte?”

“No,” I lied. “Not until you tell me.”

“I’m the kind of man that you don’t wanna get too close to.

“What if I do?”

I tried to give my question a flirtatious tone without being too coy.

“Sweet innocent girl like you. You’re playing with fire,” he said provocatively. “Luca,” he added.

“Luca…” I pondered aloud. “Like luce. Light.”

Surprise crossed his face, softening his features. That meant something to you, you bastard. I got you.

“That’s right, sweetheart. La Luce.”

“Speaking of…” I said, taking out a cigarette.

He lit it for me with a match, saying nothing. The tension finally ebbed as we smoked and drank our champagne. I observed Luca’s right hand in the low light of the bar. He had two gold rings with black stones, one on his pinky and the other on his index finger. There was the Black Hand of course, then a 6 on his thumb, and I could make out another small cross. I wondered what other tattoos he was hiding. If all went to plan, I would find out.

“Let’s get outta here,” said Luca, gathering his coat and hat.

“Where to?” I asked.

As he helped me with my coat, Luca said, “anywhere to get a decent drink in this fuckin town.”

“What do you prefer?”

“If I had my choice? Italian goddamn wine. Vino. This champagne is swill.”

He grimaced.

“Well, it’s your lucky night. I have some Italian wine at home.”

“What.” Luca made the che vuoi hand gesture. “You’re fucking joking.”

“Barolo.”

He sucked his teeth and looked at me in amazement.

“You got Barolo?”

“Well I used to have a few bottles. Now I have two. But I’d be happy to open one for you, Luca.”

“Doll…where have you been? I mean where the fuck have you been?” Luca shook his head. “Come on.”

We walked into the chilly Birmingham air. It must have been approaching midnight. I started to lead us to my flat when Luca suddenly steered me into an alley.

“Can I kiss you?” Luca asked roughly, already leaning in.

I gave him a small smile in answer, tilting my chin up. Luca kissed me hard, tasting of champagne. He held the back of my head and pressed me against the wall. I closed my eyes and kissed him the way I wanted to kiss Tommy. Luca made a quiet, low sound in his throat.

Are you that desperate? Maybe it’s been a while. Doesn’t matter. That just makes my job easier.

He reached inside my coat to feel the silk of my dress. His hand brushed over my breast, surprising me and making my breath catch, which only encouraged him. We started kissing again. He moved his hand down over my stomach to my hip, then he circled his arm around my back.

I needed to get him to the flat. I reached out and found his belt, pulling on it to let him know where I was about to touch him. Luca grabbed my ass while I felt his arousal with my hand.

“Fuck…mi ecciti,” he groaned. You’re turning me on.

“Luca, please. Let’s go. Andiamo.”

“Say please like that again.”

“Please, Luca?”

“Yeah, that sounds nice in your mouth, doll.”

We broke apart, straightening our coats as we stepped back onto to the street. I took Luca’s arm again and we started walking towards my temporary flat. We barely made it in the door and up the stairs before Luca was on me again. He practically tore off my jacket and felt my breasts in earnest, with both hands.

“Don’t think I haven’t noticed how nice this dress is. You’re the only woman in this town who knows how to dress.”

He started to unbutton me.

“It’s silk,” I said.

“Italian?”

“What else?”

He hummed in approval.

“I need it off of you. Now.”

Finally we got my dress off. I was naked underneath except for my stockings. Luca grabbed me by the shoulders and looked me up and down approvingly. Hungrily.

“On your knees, doll face.”

I did as he asked and knelt. Luca undid his belt and took out his cock.

Pretend it’s Tommy. It’s just Tommy, it’s Tommy, I thought as I took him in my mouth.

[rose-vybe]

@starsmadeinheaven for the second prompt. It sounded better in my head but okay :))))))

----

"All that research, all that 'scientific proof' we've been force-fed since kindergarten, did you test it yourself? How do you know it's not all bullshit?! The solar system, all those planets, the moon landings, how do you know it's not all bullshit? I'm asking you!"

If not for the large, emphatic subtitles, the all-but-muted TV above the bar would have been rendered useless by the loud music blaring though the bar's sound system at all hours. Lovino took another swig of the cheap whiskey he didn't like, reminding himself for the umpteenth time to be more calculated with his money next month. Fuck Francis and his stupid bet, but he couldn't lose the little he had left just because of a point made and being stubborn. He was fucking stubborn because he was right! "I'm telling you, we're all so set in our ways, so blindly trusting and obedient towards the system that no one dares challenge the status quo!" the man on the screen gestured animatedly, wild hair and abysmal tweed costume from the seventies and all, and yet Lovino couldn’t help thinking that there were times that Earthflatteners did actually make sense and that was one of those times.

Not about the Earth being flat, but-…. Yeah, this was about challenging the status quo.

He took one long glance at Valentin, who was wiping a glass near the fridge, the icy blue light coming from inside adding to his eerie air, and straightened in his seat, holding his hand up. Nah, this kid wasn’t a tough nut to crack. Not for him.

“One would think you’d go to a better bar after being here all week,” Valentin said as he refilled his glass. “Didn’t you say you hate it here?”

Lovino nodded. It was a shit job.

“Don’t have anyone to take me to a better bar at the moment,” he shrugged, sticking out his bottom lip. “Anyway, you hate it too. But you’d rather avoid confrontations, I guess.”

Valentin blinked and took a step forward. “I dislike confrontations, but that doesn’t mean I avoid-”

“Yeah, yeah,” the Italian nodded, “You’re not the type to challenge the status quo though.”

“Well, not that I’ve been in the position to. Like ever. What-”

“No, I mean work-wise there isn’t much anyone can do. Mr. Adnan reigns supreme and shit, after all,” Lovino rolled his eyes. “But in general… Look, take that guy, Borisov.”

Now Valentin scowled, but it was okay. A reaction was good. At least Lovino knew for sure he wasn’t going to be brushed off.

“Yeah? What about him?” he inquired bluntly.

“I mean, he’s a … safe bet. You know he thinks the world of you, he thinks you’re so much better than him, so he’s never going to leave you.” Lovino took a sip of whiskey, curiously tilting his head. “He’s a comfort zone you won’t step out of. Am I right?”

The Romanian looked away for a moment, then sighed profusely. “Oh, for fuck’s sake. Did Francis put you up to this? Is he the exciting new zone I’m supposed to step into for a change?” he deadpanned.

Lovino released the breath he’d been holding, thinking his game had been discovered. Only half was true though.

“No, no, no. But I’m just curious, since we’re coworkers and all,” he flashed a full grin, anything but innocent. “Would you cheat on him?”

“No. I’ve never cheated.”

Ah, there it was! The lie he was waiting for.

Okay, maybe this wasn’t the best approach to get what he wanted. He could have worked his charm instead. He could have made a real effort for Francis’s money. But Lovino had a gremlin reputation he happened to be proud of and would not see destroyed.  

[swoomoo]

I usually am not one to get anxious about TTRPG games because I feel they are an outlet for me but have been feeling so with us coming back to our VTM game. It isn't the game itself that is causing it but the circumstances that others find themselves in. We have Vesper and Niccolo on the chopping block. Usually this would just be business as usual since the world is basically ending in our game but Amare is in a position that feels like her actions will be directly impact if either of them make it out.

Obviously she will do everything in her power to help Vesper, who is in a much, much trickier situation than Niccolo. She is, at this point, Cammie through and through, but helping Vesper is causing her to work increasingly with the Anarchs and basically break the rules of her working with a Scourge (in hopes to become one). This is a lot of fun though because she gets to hang out with characters and make connections she normally wouldn't. She is even starting to, dare I say like the girl who likely has a thing for Vesper (she is hot and I'm punching the air that I made Amare probably straight). On the other side of things is Niccolo. I know the Giovanni are very popular on here and I am sure they are usually lovely, but I've come to hate everything they touch in our game. We ended our first season with Amare and Niccolo, once again, getting into an argument. They have done this several times but this one was different. Usually Niccolo has issues with Amare questioning his judgement but this time they got into an argument about his family. Niccolo's (embrace) sister is his enemy. He has refused to accept this until very recently. Niccolo and Amare were together when he had a premonition uncovering a plot where she is teaming up with a Tzimisce to create possessed szlachta that have a fun gimmick of rapid regeneration. In the vision this "army" was marching through the streets, while seemingly obfuscated attacking those that needed to be dealt with. They marched into the court and no matter how many times these things were destroyed, they kept coming back.

The Camarilla was basically going to crumble and the Giovanni's would replace them. Niccolo told Amare of his vision and she questioned if the family would support his sister going rogue. He said they would only if she succeeded and would cut her out if she failed as to save their own ass. Amare then asks Niccolo two questions, "Would you do the same thing as her for the family?" and "Are we (your coterie) expendable to you". His answers were "Only if I knew I would succeed" and "No, those who are close to me deserve not to suffer" (said with a bit less spark). Remember, Amare has a daughter in the city and shutters to imagine a large-scale attack of any type happening in the city. She said the Hecata were no better than the Sabbat and were practically the same but with an Italian mobster flair and were equally if not worse when dealing with humanity. She said she fled from the Sabbat for that reason yet he stays and talks about how "Peace is profitable" when it goes against everything the clan of death stands for.

At his point he had to leave to pick up a Lamia to judge if he is guilty or not. Upon leaving Amare was just screaming at the door. Now go to last session. Niccolo has already contradicted himself multiple times and was caught lying to the Gorgon. He is definitely going to be executed unless he is helped. Vesper is sadly getting mind fucked by the biggest creep in London and Owen literally so new, the Camarilla doesn't even truly know who or what they are.

Imagine this now, when Niccolo was giving a tour to the Gorgon of his museum she stepped away to view some artwork. Niccolo grabs Amare's hand and starts shaking and looks to her with fear in his eyes knowing what is happening to him. He doesn't want to outright ask for help, but has shown that he wants it. He expects his coterie to run behind the Gorgon's back and fix all of his necromancy issues when, none of us are necromancers.

This being said, Amare is going to speak to him next session when Vesper talks to the Lamia privately. Amare is going to cut him a deal, his entire, extensive knowledge on necromancy for her help in dealing with his family issue. It is a big ask, I know and would get a lot of people pissed but frankly Amare doesn't care. He may say no but if he does she is going to wipe her hands from his mess and not lift a finger to help him from the pit he willingly jumped into it.

I have made a plan on how to deal with his business already but that might go in trash after next session. We shall see.

[theratboyking]

Softly Into The Night

Prologue: He Came in the night

Author's Note:

So this is the edited version of the prologue I wrote early this year to this series. There are still probably a few things I missed but I really hope you guys enjoy it. I have a few ideas as to where this story can go. Comments and such are greatly appreciated, I would love to know what you guys think :)

Pairing: Cardinal Copia/Reader/Papa Emeritus iii (this will also have eventual Copia/Terzo but that won't be for a while) (This is also a slow burn so it's gonna be a while until we even get here)

Word count: 6.9k (This is so close to 7k holy fuck)

Summary: Demons are real, angels exist, and my father is the Prince of Darkness. A dream I can’t seem to wake up from. And two mysterious strangers that seem to have a connection to me. What could possibly go wrong?

Chapter Summary: This couldn't be real, I was just having a bad dream. He can't be real. My mom might have kept a lot of stuff from me but surely she would have something as important as being the Antichrist. I was going to wake up any minute now. I will be in my bed and go about my day normally but as I slam my eyes close willing myself to wake up, Lucifer still remained.

Warnings: 18+ (this is going to get be a wild ride folks,) Slow burn, Idiots in love, kinda soulmates? poorly translated Italian (I am sorry to all the Italians out there) fluff, angst, this is a ghost fic so you know religious trauma, some chapters will like get kinda deep in the religious philosophy but maybe not depending on the direction this goes, eventual smut (Chapter will be label

AO3 Link Next ->

“I needed to get a car.” The thought left my head just as quickly as it entered. 

The late hour left the streets unsettling, almost too quiet. Usually, I don’t mind the walk; it helps me calm down, but with the increase in late nights at the office getting out of hand, I find myself leaving later and later with each passing day. The vacant streets are filled with deadly silence, only broken by the sound of my steps meeting the sidewalk and the chilling howl of the wind. The feeling that I’m being watched becomes almost impossible to ignore. The cold November air was biting my face, and my steps quickened. The pit in my stomach that had been forming all sinking deeper the further I walked away from my job. 

The moon hung high in the sky, providing more light than the flickering street lights. The breeze only seemed wilder with distance - it almost sounded like someone was screaming. The leaves on the trees cry out into the night with each gust of wind. I shiver, stuffing my hands in my coat pockets, seeking warmth from the cold. The feeling of dread grew further from my office. 

I’m probably just being paranoid. The events of this miserable day are still fresh in my mind; that's what it had to be. I’m just tired. My bed practically called my name. All I could imagine was falling face-first into bed and forgetting about this whole day.

        I was so lost in thought I didn’t even notice the cracks in the road. Losing my balance, I lost my grip on my bag. Some of the contents spilled out. I scramble to grab the contents, hoping that the feeling of being watched was nothing more than that. A feeling. 

  I couldn’t help but let my thoughts wander as I gathered everything, starting my journey home once more. Nothing seemed to want to go my way today. It all started with me sleeping well past my alarm. My morning consisted of me stumbling to prepare for the day, missing my mother's daily call worrying about how I was doing. She left a somewhat cryptic message stuck in my day this morning. I practically ran out my door by the time I was finally ready. My outfit was half haphazardly put together, and my coffee was missing the creamer I use, hoping I had enough time to make it to the bus stop. It seemed whatever higher power there is would not take pity on me today, the bus just leaving as I hurled myself around the corner. I was nearly two hours late when I finally got to work. My desk was already littered with piles of work I would need to have done before the end of the day. When it had finally come time for everyone to start heading home, it came to no one's surprise when Andrew dropped an additional mountain of papers on my desk, saying it needed to be done before the meeting tomorrow, his smug face almost sending into a rage.

 No, today has not been my day.  I can't help the groan that leaves my lips when I glance at my phone, 1:47 flashing across the screen. Even for me, this is late; I’m usually out of the office before midnight. It felt like whatever had been watching me started to join me on the venture home.

 When the run-down building I call my home came into view, I had an internal panic attack. I practically sprinted into the lobby,  relieved to see that the ancient elevator was working for a change. The only good news I’ve gotten today. 

“Come on, come on, come on.” the words fell under my breath - my fist never let up on the button. I threw my head in panic, eyes scanning desperately to make sure no one had entered the decrepit building. The room remained empty, the only person crazy enough to be out right now being my frantic form.

It felt like a lifetime before the familiar ding broke the thick silence the room was drowning in. The doors opened slowly. “Thank God.” relief makes its way to my voice as I throw myself into the elevator's safety. My panic state only subsided when the doors creaked closed. Pushing the button for my floor, I slump against the wall taking a deep breath, trying to slow my racing heart. The confines of the lift calmed me slightly; my head began to rest against the cold metal of the wall behind my eyes started to close.  My thoughts wander to the message Mom left me this morning. She sounded more paranoid, if that was possible. She frantically switched between telling me I had stayed here too long, how she should have said to me about my father -  how I needed to get out tonight. The call only ended with her pleading that I did not go home tonight and that I call her back as soon as I could. 

Her voice had an edge; I’d never heard her that scared. Usually, I don’t give her ramblings much thought; I left all of that behind when I moved away, but after my walk home tonight and the dread I’ve been feeling all day, I can’t help but believe her. She even mentioned my father; that was something she never did. My dad was a touchy subject for her. Maybe I should have just stayed the night at my desk. Sighing, my body relaxed further into the wall. I can already feel my frustration growing. Even after escaping, she still affects me.

       The relationship between me and my mom was tense, to say the least. My mother always wanted to have kids but was told she could never. When I was young, she told me that finding out she would have a kid was some of the best news of her life. After that, it was just me and her for as long as I could remember. I never knew my father; my mom left him before I was born. Although I am my mom's pride and joy, to say that she is overprotective would be putting it mildly. It was scarce that she even let me out of her sight.

Throw in the fact that I was a magnet for the unexplainable. I had a knack for finding trouble, or rather, it had a knack for finding me. Strange things always seem to follow us to whatever poor town we wall home. The amount of time our power in the house would flair too much to count - objects fell off the counter when I was in a room - a mirror breaking when I was angry. The list was endless, if I’m being honest. We never really seemed to stay in a town longer than a year before the weird occurrences around me became too noticeable, sending us packing to whatever city she decided on in the car as we left. 

        Despite all the wild rules my mom made me live by, she always had my back in life, always coming to my aid when I needed her. Although my temper boiled over a lot as a kid, I struggled to control my emotions. Hell, I still do. I was always the scary new kid, an easy target for their endless bullying. Their cruel behavior often sent me over the edge, but Mom was always there to defend me. Mom had to come to school a lot to deal with the angry parents and teachers over whatever I had done more times than I could count. But she was never angry. 

In a way, she understood the struggle I was having. It was one of the few comforts I had in my childhood. As I grew up, I started to loathe constantly moving; I just wanted to be expected. I couldn’t take running from place to place when things got terrible anymore. It was hard finally break free from the restraining rules she had in place for me all my life. 

It was a nightmare telling her I wanted to be on my own. The argument was long and filled with every insult we could think to throw at the other, but it was a battle she lost. I was not taking no for an answer. It was the only time I had ever seen her genuinely angry. Even after I had moved to my current home, she called daily, always expressing her worry about me being in the city all by myself. I’ve grown so used to my mom's antics that I don't mind it anymore.

  There was just something about this message that I couldn't seem to shake. I spring to my feet, huffing in frustration. I had hardly noticed how long it’s been. The abrupt halt of the elevator made me lose my balance; even the doors seemed hesitant to see what was on the other side.

 I jumped as the moths flew in, going immediately to the bright light that hung from the center of the elevator. Then, clearing my throat, I composed myself. I relaxed at the sight; it was just how I left it, wallpaper peeling off. The dimly lit lights flickered as I made my way down the hall. Nothing was on fire, no weird man was standing in my hallway, and all my neighbors were probably sleeping in their beds. 

But still, I paused when I reached my door, wondering if I should go in or not. Mom’s warning is playing through my thoughts; I’m thinking about just taking a cab to the airport to stay at her house for a bit. I shake my head; this is ridiculous. Nothing is going to happen; I’m being paranoid. I’m not a little kid anymore; Mom's crazy stories aren't going to run my life anymore. I shuffle around my bag, grabbing my keys. I am a grown adult; I can't keep running all my life. I unlocked the door, quickly letting myself in, relieved to finally be home. 

         Refelife was short-lived as I went to flip the switch to turn the lights on… Nothing. 

I groan, flipping the button several times just for safety. Well, shit. The darkness I was met with did little to help with the fear I was already feeling, mentally punching myself. I could have sworn I paid the electric bill. Today just keeps getting better and better.

I throw my bag on the coat hanger I keep by the door. Quietly I removed my shoes, cautiously beginning to the living room. I hesitate right before I enter, almost convinced that someone will be sitting waiting for me. I take a deep breath bracing myself. As fast as I could, I rounded the corner, ready to fight any possible intruder, only to be met with the sight of my empty couch and TV. There was no sign anyone had broken in. Just like out there, everything is precisely how it was when I left this morning. 

Ok, I may be paranoid. Just the effects of having a bad day today, that's what it has to be—relaxing with every small step I take to my room, laughing nervously as I go. I just need to go to bed. I have to be at work in less than six hours, and I still need to take a shower. So I continued to go to my room, lost in my thoughts.

         “Hello, my dear.” A low infernal rumble surrounded me, sounding as if it was fading in and out of the silence of the room it was trapped in. My breath catches in my throat. My eyes go wide as realization dawns on me… I was not alone. 

            Oh fuck.              I twisted around to see the figure that somehow went unnoticed. I stumbled back, falling when I tripped over the coffee table. The scream that left my body sounded like it came out of a horror film as I tried to return to my feet. 

This is it. This is how I’m gonna die, isn't it? I could see blue flames floating in the darkness of the hallway I had come from. Oh fuck.

           Fuck, I am not about to die letting my mom be right. 

Regaining my balance, I look around desperately, trying to find a way to escape or defend myself. He took up the space of the hallway that led to my door. I couldn't run. I couldn't go out the window either; I lived on the seventh floor. My building's fire escape couldn't handle my weight being so unkempt. I couldn’t escape. Fighting it is.  Grabbing the lamp from the coffee table, I bring myself to a fighting possession, ready to defend myself from the intruder. I stood my ground; I would not show whoever this was the satisfaction. 

A deep chuckle emerged from the hallway, the two blue orbs getting brighter the closer he got. He entered soon after, filling the room with his impossible form, the moonlight from the window draped his figure with each step he took toward me.

              He was abnormally tall, and his body was unnaturally thin. The massive pair of wings stretching from take up the most space. They looked like they had almost been scorched, the bottoms glowing with dying flames. His face was almost too perfect, skin impossibly smooth like it had never seen a blemish a day. His eyes danced with blue flames,  piercing into my soul, lips stretched in a gentle smile. His gaze held something familiar about it like he knew everything there was to know about me, all my deepest darkest secrets. His hair almost looked like starlight cast a halo around his head, coming to rest halfheartedly around his shoulders. His body seemed to flare around him, not looking like it had a shape. The abnormally perfect skin poking out, marking the distinct forms of where his arms and legs should be, speaks of silver shining throughout the black void that made up the rest of his body. His movement was unnaturally smooth, making his body appear almost motionless as he approached me. He was unsettling to look at, but it was impossible to look away.

 Why the fuck didn’t I listen to Mom

 He stopped before me, looking from my face to my makeshift weapon. The void that was his body took up more space as he scratched what looked like his hand, gently taking the lamp from my hand. I couldn't seem to put up a fight, my body refusing to move in his presence. He looked at it in amusement before placing it back where it went. His gaze turns back to my eyes. My breath catches in my throat.

           “You’ll have to do better than this if you truly wish to stand a chance against me, my darling.” His voice is low and smooth, like honey sounding like each word would build on itself, hanging heavy in the air until it faded. Amusement and wonder made their way to what should be his face, almost waiting to see what I would do next. Who does this creature think he is? Was he toying with me before it ended me? A sick display for his amusement? I refuse to play his game. I refuse to show how scared I am.

“If you’re going to kill me, just get it over with.” my voice was cold, my anger rising with each passing moment. 

Confusion made its way to his face - head tilting to the side. “Kill you? No, I am not here to kill you.” He pauses, bowing, “I am here to meet the daughter who was stolen from me.”            “Daughter?” The word slipped past my lips. So this thing was my father? This had to be some sick nightmare; there was no way this was real life.

  I refused to look away from his eyes, trying to hide the fear racing through my veins, “No. No, there's no way that I’m your daughter. I’m sorry, but you must be mistaken.”  My voice wavered, but I refused to back down. “Who… What are you?” 

          He took a step back, looking surprised that I did not know who he was, as if it was the most obvious thing on the planet. Then, he proudly gestured towards himself, lowering his body so that his intense stare aligned with mine.

 “I am known by many names. Too many to count. I am the Devil, but your mother would have known me as Lucifer.” He paused, giving me a moment to process the statement, not speaking again until his words died in the air. “I have waited a long time to meet you finally,”  his gaze softened, his lips morphing into a small smile. “Your mother and I did have a rather large love affair.” voice low and full of fondness. Finally, he returned to his impossible height, “Has your mother told you nothing?”  The question hung heavy in the air. 

The answer to the question was simple. “No.” It was so quiet I don’t know if he even heard it.

 Mom was full of secrets; there was a lot of stuff according to her; I was better off not knowing. Mom refused to even acknowledge any contribution my father had in creating me. Always taking constant prying just for the smallest of details I begged for as a child. The very few times she would mention him, there was always a far-off look in her, losing herself in thought. But indeed, something as big as the fact that my father was the literal King of Hell would be worth knowing. The room was spinning around me; this couldn’t be real. My knees give out, and my body collapses on the couch. This had to be a nightmare.  I will wake up at my desk any minute, then go about my uneventful day, rinse, and repeat. 

          “Well, that has certainly made matters a lot more complicated,” His voice appeared less distorted with each word he spoke, shrinking down to a normal-sized human,“ I was hoping to avoid this, I always hate to make myself more suitable for mortals, but your mother was always an exception.” The otherworld figure changed into something more human as he went.

 He looked pristine, the black suit that came to rest on his body starkly contrasted with the pale skin that peaked out. Pushing his platinum blond hair away from his eyes, relieving them to be the same color as the piercing blue flames that previously took its place. Even in this form, he redacted an extraordinary power only he seemed to possess; even now, it was still otherworldly.

 “I should have known Mary wouldn't have said anything, the stubborn woman she is.” He adjusted his outfit slightly.

          ”Now,” clapping his hand together, he carried on, “why don’t we bring her here so she can explain herself?” He cleared his throat, straightening himself to his new height, “Let’s not make this difficult, Mary; there is much to explain and not a lot of time to do it.” 

 Snapping his figures nonchalantly, there was a moment when nothing happened. I dared not make a sound as a ring of blue fire sprang to life in the middle of my living room, the vague shape of a figure appearing with it.

         “What the hell?” The confused voice made me sit up in my seat. There in my living stood my mother, not phased by the fact that she had somehow ended up here. Scanning the room in confusion, she stops at the sight of me and Lucifer. 

She looks like she's seen a ghost. “Lucifer.” Straightening her stance at the sight of him. “You haven't changed a day.” Voice losing its confusion.    “Hello, my love.” Lucifer bows slightly toward my mother. 

“So you finally found her?” She sounded defeated. 

“I never lost sight of either of you,” an impossible warmth in his eyes at his confession. 

“Of course, you didn't,” she chuckled softly, pausing, looking towards my disheveled form. “We don’t have to do this, you know.”

“I’m afraid that we must, my love. Time is running out” His voice was quiet as he shook his head, “She is only getting stronger; she needs to learn to control it.”

           Mom scoffed and stepped out of the circle, going over to him; the flames collapsed as if they were never there. She stopped before him, hand gently cradling his face as she continued, “I tried my hardest to keep it under control. To keep her hidden. She knows nothing of your world, Lucifer. You can’t just show up now and destroy that for her. I told you I did not want this life for her. We agreed she would have a normal life. ”  

       “No, you made that choice Mary. You are the one who left our home, left me. You got scared of what we created, and you ran. You didn’t even allow me to prove I could be there for you throughout it. To prove that you were something so incredibly dear to me. You and our child.” His fiery gaze briefly rested on me before returning to Mom. “You ran as you did for everything else. That is your sin, Mary.” A warning tone filled his voice.

 My mother looked shocked as he reached for the hands she had brought to his face, bringing them close to his chest. “We both knew this would happen one day. She has a right to know the realm she will one day rule. However, it’s becoming too dangerous for her to hide from her true nature. It is growing harder to keep her powers sealed inside of her; I’m afraid it's time, my love. The veil is only growing thinner; hiding what she is is hard. The time is coming when she will no longer be able to hide it anymore.” 

        “I need more time; she's still just our little girl, Lucifer.” her voice cracked, muffling as she dropped her face into his chest. His arms came to rest around her frame, doing his best to comfort her,  “I am afraid we’re running out of time, My love.” 

         The room buzzes around me, a million questions flying to my mind as their conversion sinks in. What about a veil? What powers were they talking about?  This is crazy; they talk about me like I’m not there. Was my whole life based on a lie? I couldn’t stand to sit there anymore; I need answers, and them now. “Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on!” This snapped them out of their reunion; seeming to remember I was there. My sudden outburst surprised them; hell, even I was surprised. 

        Breaking from Lucifer, Mom made her way to the couch, taking me in her arms. “My baby,” swaying my body with hers, tears leaking into my hair as her body begins to shake, “I should have been honest with you. I should have told you when you first started showing signs. I didn't know what to do; I always thought I would have more time.” I couldn’t tell if she was trying more to comfort herself rather than me.

 I jump when I feel a cold hand rest on my shoulder. At some point during Mom’s breakdown, Lucifer had moved so that he was now resting on the other side of me, allowing us to have our moment. This is surreal. 

“I need you to tell me what’s happening, Mom.” Trying my best to keep my cool, slightly pushing her away. 

      Sniffing as she tried to dry the never-ending sea of tears, “Oh honey. I fell in love with a handsome young man long ago. He had a lot of money to spare and told me he worked in business. He said he made deals all day, so he was never home during the day. He told me I would want nothing for as long as I lived. Then one day, he asked me to marry him. I was young and in love with a man who showered me affectionately; baby, we were so happy. I was told I could never have kids; we weren’t using protection.  And then, one day, I found out I was pregnant with you. I was thrilled; Lucifer was overjoyed at the news. But with the news, Lucifer suddenly had a lot he needed to tell me. He told me everything about who he was, showed me what he was, and told me what you could be. I got so scared of what could happen, and I knew I had to find a way to keep you safe.” she took a shaky breath pausing before continuing, “So I took as much money as I could and a suitcase of clothes, and I ran. Even after I had you and you started showing signs, we kept running; we have been running all your life. Honey, Lucifer is your father. You are the Antichrist…” Her mouth held agape; no words escaped after she uttered those words. 

My mind goes blank at her confession. This couldn't be real; sure, I had my moments, but nothing extraordinary about me; there was no way I could be the Antichrist. I work in an office job, for god sake. Mom looked on helplessly, trying to give me answers to my raging questions but didn't know where to start.

             As if sensing this, Lucifer said, “Growing up, did you experience strange things happening around you? It started small initially, things you could easily push to the back of your mind. A classmate falling after you said she hoped she would after she pulled your hair? Always a figure just out of sight but vanishing when you focus on it? Your favorite snakes appearing out of thin air just because you wanted them?” He stopped momentarily; I turned my body completely to look at him. I can feel my eyes widening in realization; everything he had mentioned happened in my childhood. Things I have never said to anyone before in my life. Not even my mom knew about these things, but it was as if he knew the memories by heart. 

He didn't allow me to ask before he continued, an edge forming in his voice, “But as you grew up, they only seemed to become less and less explainable. More supernatural. The fire that mysteriously started in your kitchen when your date stood you up? The window at work shattering in front of your boss when you didn’t get the promotion you worked for? Or how about the time your coworker fell down the stairs just after he was getting just a little too handsy?” The horror began to sink in with each passing question; these were all things that happened in the last year. Events I had tried to brush off as mere coincidence, now I’m not so sure. 

“Stop.” I can’t think; this isn’t real; I need to wake up now. 

“And they have only been getting stronger; people are starting to notice, aren't they? This is but a fraction of the power you possess. We have tried to suppress them, but they are becoming too powerful to build up inside you. It is only a matter of time before it swallows you whole.”  He refused to give up; he was trying to prove something. 

“Please. Please stop” I can feel tears start to fall, I can't breathe, and I feel like my body is on fire. I think my mom grab my arm, trying to help calm me. I can feel myself losing control the more he pushes. 

He was relentless “You are my child. You are forever burdened with darkness you cannot run from. Destiny is calling upon you, and you can no longer hide. You must face who you are.” 

         “Shut up!” There was a sickening shatter around the room. Glass fell to the floor. The coffee table and tv looked like a baseball bat had been taken to them. The tears fell silently as I looked on in disbelief. There was sadness in his eyes, but still, they held comfort in them. Almost like he was apologizing for everything. He returns his hand to my shoulder, slowly rubbing comforting circles into my shirt. 

           “I tried to let you live normally for as long as possible. I kept your true nature inside you, but even with that, it spilled out. You have only gotten stronger as you’re older, and I am so proud of you for controlling it as well as you have.” He stopped as if contemplating what to say next. His face held what looked like love as he gently pushed some of the hair out of my face, “I can not take this away from you, but I know a place that can help.” He was gentle with his words, a sort of parental comfort melting into his smooth voice.

 Had he genuinely come here tonight with no malintent? Was he here to help me? I can feel my mom slowly rubbing up and down my back. This is happening. My whole life had been a lie. I’m not crazy. Everything that had happened in my life that I had tried so desperately to explain finally made sense. The weight of their touch was the only thing keeping me in this reality. I did not want my father to be Lucifer, but I couldn't help but feel like he had always been there. The moment felt all too comforting, despite my whole life falling around me.

 “What can I do?” There was no going back from this, everything had changed, and I could do nothing to stop it. 

          His voice never lost its warmth as he explained, “There is a ministry where many of my most devout followers reside; one of the most loyal bloodlines to serve me runs the church from there. They have proven useful in spreading my message to the world. Although most of them have had experiences with the occult, they could help you understand your birthright. You would be well protected from those wishing to cause you harm now that you are becoming more noticeable.” 

“Who would want to hurt me?” I question an edge of fear forming in my voice.

  “The more powerful you become, you will become a beacon to the many creatures in this world. However, you would cause a lot of problems with the plans they have. Many would not wish to see you become a problem for them. Many would do anything to make sure you do not fulfill your destiny. It is unsafe for you to remain in the open like this; I might be unable to protect you from everything.” His warning crashed down on me, was I already being hunted? Was my intuition correct? Did they already know where I am?

           “This is my life. I can’t just disappear from it, from all I know.” I protest weakly, the fear never leaving as he explains the danger I am in, but the desire to finally have answers for all the burning questions I had growing up only seemed to keep growing. What am I capable of doing?  

             “A life that has done nothing but shuns you for who you are. People have never understood you; you were never meant to live in such a dull world. I can offer you a place to finally feel as though you belong. Become something truly worthy of the world you will one day rule. But know this, it is your choice. Experience the world you were born to be a part of; you will no longer be an outcast. Embarrass the princess of hell you were born to be. The seal on your powers would be broken, you would be all-powerful, and you must learn to control it. If you do not go, you will lose complete control over who you are. The darkness inside of you will devour you till you are unrecognizable. Eventually, you will die and become something even more grotesque. If you choose this, I will keep your powers inside you for as long as possible; I will protect you with my life to give you as much time as possible. I cannot force you to make any decisions; it is up to you to make that choice. If you decide to go, you will not return to this life. You will have to embrace the unholy god you will become if you are to accept what destiny has laid out for you.” The warning hung heavy in the air. 

I was beginning to fall for the temptation of his offer; I could feel my hesitation leaving me. The fear being the only thing remaining, do I have a choice? If I stayed here, there was a strong likelihood that I would die. People started noticing the connection between me and the events that seemed to follow me like a shadow. It was beginning to reach a point where I would have to move away anyway. He was right; nothing was keeping me here; it’s not like I had anything worth staying for. I had a job going nowhere that was working me to death. I had no friends and no boyfriend. There was no reason I really should stay. But if I go to this ministry to learn about what I am, to learn to control it, would I still be me, or will I become something else entirely? But then again, I have never indeed been me; I have been desperately trying to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I had been an outcast my whole life, trying to hide from others for some sort of acceptance; even in the life I’ve built here, I still do it. I have never felt normal because I have never been normal. Could this finally fill the void I have felt for so long? Can my soul finally feel like it is no longer wandering? The only thing keeping me from accepting was how terrified I was. 

             Mom shuffled from behind me, turning me to face her. She had been crying more than me. The tears stained her puffy cheeks as she tried to put on her best reassuring smile, “He’s right, honey. I tried to keep you safe, but I only made this worse. I had tried for so long to protect you from getting hurt that I never saw how much you already were. I’m sorry for everything; I’m sorry that I failed you. I love you so much. I wish I could have more time but baby, you need to go.” 

           I couldn’t hold it in anymore; I collapsed into her. “You never failed me, Mom.” I was holding her with such force I’m surprised I didn’t snap her in half, “I love you too.”  We stayed like this for a minute, neither wanting to let go. 

           “I’m afraid we are running out of time; once the sun rises, I must return to Hell. The choice is yours, but it needs to be made.” Lucifer breaks the moment. I gazed at the clock on my wall that had been cracked during my outburst, 4:08. Shit, I hadn't noticed how long either of them had been there. I look back to Lucifer; I had made my choice. 

          “Take me there.” A fire had been lit inside me, a determination I had never felt setting in. I have to know who I am and what I am capable of.  I would not succumb to this; I would not die. I will fight; I will live. 

           “And so it shall be,” he only remained serious for a moment, relaxing as if he was relieved by the outcome, “I love popping into the Abbey now and then; the ghouls there are always so fun.” He was no longer beside me on the couch; he stood by my mother; I didn't even feel him move.

   He kneeled before her,  taking her face into his hand, gently wiping away her tears. “My love, I promise we will not lose our daughter.” 

She gripped his hand as if it were her lifeline, “I hope you're right, darling.”   

“Next time, we will have more time to catch up.” Lucifer joked lightly, searching her face for reassurance that they would meet again.

  “Here’s to next time,” Mom gently smiled at a silent promise being made. Then, she turned to look at me, breaking from Lucifer to take me in her arms once more.  This time I’m surprised she didn't break me. “Destiny comes in many faces; you will find yours.” The cryptid words rang low in my ear as she pulled away.

          She looked once more to Lucifer, voice trembling. “Make sure she is safe, my love.” They begin to move closer to each other. 

“I will,” he vowed as their lips met.

  A blue flame erupted around them, consuming their figures, and my mother slowly faded away. They only break away from the other once the two of us are left. He looked sadly at the vacant spot on the couch, a soft smile on his face as he looked at where my mother once sat. 

       Not moving from his spot, he turns his gaze to me. Red begins streaming down his face, silent tears falling from his eyes, “I wish things could have been different. I wanted nothing more than to have been a part of your life and truly watched you grow into the strong young woman you have become. But that is not what fate gave me, and I’m afraid I am out of time.” 

        The form he had taken since my mother had arrived began to melt. Black smoke emitted from him. The flames that had been there before sprung to life; he had returned to the form he had taken when we first met. His voice returned to the heavy force it once was, “Once you take my hand, there will be no going back. You will become a Princess of hell; I cannot promise that the transformation won't be painless.”  

       He stood up suddenly, and at such a speed it was almost impossible to see, “Do you understand?” He began to reach out his hand slowly, giving me one last chance to decline his offer.

 "Yes.” I didn't hesitate in my response. I was no longer scared; I refused to be; a part of me wanted this; it was begging to be let out. Taring at its cage, freedom within its grasp. I stand from the couch, looking up to meet his gaze, “I understand.” 

 “Good.” Despite the gravity of the situation, he never changed how he looked at me. I looked at the hand he had stretched in front of him.  I took his hand.

For a moment, nothing happened, then it hit me all at once; it felt like a thousand suns had gone supernova inside of me. I was being burned from the inside out; it felt like a fire was trying to burst out from the inside. I could feel my body contorting as I collapsed to the ground. I could barely make out my finger sharpening, my arm was getting long, and my fingertips turning jet black. My body felt as if it was being stretched out. The raw energy flowing through every cell in my body felt like I was being torn apart and put back together at a speed I could not comprehend. What must have been seconds felt like an eternity before it stopped.

I could faintly make out the sound of Lucifer’s voice, “Extraordinary,” before I lost complete consciousness, letting the nothingness take me.

[kikioffe-prime]

Well they're eating you're about to figure it out you're smart and intelligent and I continue to be smart and intelligent at Italian's no excuses yes and what's up across the name is Buenos you're in it hold no don't hear you're gonna cook 1 you're 1 you'll be one you'll just bring yourselves back in you and start it over again and keep on starting all over again until you get right utterly suppose that

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There's an out and opening view of course and that is to self adhere yourself to some self term and sanguine's eye ourselves in Aurora let's talk to me about it by and following it'll times no excuses yes hands butts up or her ass the neighbors when I'm you are all in or all else all or nothing like a white there is no shade to break here no which wasn't this no being bothered if you like it or not being bothered with a look at the next mood choose aside and stick with it last week all I've been absolutely 0 taunt policy with teenagers like you'll be inquired on the Internet good karma earnest becoma and that car mountain is that car mountain when it comes around and my goals aren't comes around therefore I equally wait for apply

what the fuck am suppoused to take from this??

Huh??

Im SO confused?????

My english aint so Good too??

[jodilin65]

THURSDAY, APRIL 30, 2009 There was quite a ruckus under the floorboards just now. When you live in the woods, tons of mice and other stuff live with you, and from the sound of it, a rat or a cat was chasing and terrorizing a mouse. We heard a scuffle, then a mouse squealing in terror. For a minute I thought something was trapped under there, but we’ve heard this before, and so it can’t always be something getting trapped. For the longest time, we couldn’t pinpoint where it was coming from since it seemed to be everywhere. Yet there haven’t been any droppings inside the place, so now we’re pretty sure it’s under the space that runs under the floors.

Anyway, today was a better day than yesterday. I got my incense and my CD, too. Do we still think they’re stealing our mail? Well, now we’re not so sure, but we’re still getting out of there cuz we have to. They’re going out of business.

Yay, my first Italian dream! Tom and I were looking at a computer screen and paper money was pictured on it. I pointed to the screen and excitedly said “Soldi!” Tom said, “Soldi, huh?” I nodded and said, “Soldi and denaro is money, and monete is coins.” That’s 4 languages I’ve dreamt in now.

My teeth are acting up again, so if nothing’s changed by the time this special toothpaste runs out I won’t be buying any more. I had to use the Crest Sensitivity even though the Restore says it helps with sensitivity. It’s still looking like, yeah, I am going to have to go to the free clinic. I can’t go on like this forever, and like I’ve been saying for months, even years, I’m not likely to be insured before I’m 65.

Got letters from both Mary and Paula. Paula enclosed $10 for me to ship her the stuff she wants. We should be able to get it off to her Monday. We’re also going to set up a new email account as well for us both to use.

Mary’s doing well, and I think that’s it for now.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 29, 2009 Today, almost yesterday, turned out to be a perfectly shitty day. First the helicopters return to wake me up, and then my package can’t be delivered cuz the fucking UPS Store people weren’t there when they were supposed to be so they could claim it! What’s the point of having this type of mail service if they’re not going to be available some of the time to accept packages?! And what’s the point of living out in the woods if I’m just going to get woken up anyway?! My sleep is so damn cursed no matter what! First it’s cuz Jesse can’t stop coming down here, then it’s the renters shooting, and now all this insane helicopter activity. The fucking things really make up for the sonic booms we had down in the desert. This project that they’re doing – whatever it is – is obviously not going to end anytime soon. So now I’m scrambling to get back on days and stay there as long as I can. I swear, if it’s not one thing it’s another waking me up. When they stop flying practically an inch over our heads, the renters will go back to playing target practice or something.

As for the package of incense, Tom reminded me that one of his packages didn’t get delivered once, but it made it the next day. Also, because UPS and FedEx are competitors, they’re not going to go out of their way to cooperate with each other. Yeah, I know, and we’re the ones that have to deal with it. I just hope they can stop playing games so I don’t have to have the package returned to NY to be shipped directly here which I should’ve done in the first place.

My teeth are acting up again. This Restore toothpaste says it fights sensitivity, but I don’t know if it’s worth it or not. It’s too soon to say for sure.

It’s amazing the documents they put online. Everything from mortgages to loans, repossessed items to property sales. And of course, some states air out people’s criminal dirty laundry. Canada may have a privacy act, but not here! Here we have the Freedom of Information Act and people who believe your business is yours and your business is theirs, too. I don’t know why it bothers so many people, though. I can see it bothering someone looking for a job with a record, but as long as no one has your SS# none of the info can be used against you.

Tom and I joked about being net detectives since most people aren’t smart enough to know how to check others out, but I think it’d be boring digging up info on strangers. Either way, just gimme a name and I can practically tell you the last time they peed or what they ate for dinner in 1960! Ain’t America grand?

According to the documents I found, it looks like my maternal grandparents may’ve lived in Brimfield before they built/bought the Longmeadow house next to ours, also built/bought at the same time in 1966.

We got a kick out of learning that my parents’ house payments on their first house were just $77 in 1957! Ah, to be able to pay so little.

Passed IT 102 with an 85%, better than the 82% I got in IT 101. 101 & 102 are 50 hours, but 201 & 202 are 30 hours. I just wish they’d add a little grammar explanation in between and not go over so many of the same words over and over, but that’s how these full-immersion courses work. You just dive right in. It’s still fun, though!

TUESDAY, APRIL 28, 2009 I wasn’t going to do an entry today, but then said what the hell? Just heard Jesse buzzing around on the ATV. I don’t think I’ve ever heard him on it this late. I hope nothing’s wrong. Like with the well or the renters. We haven’t seen the dogs again, and I hope Tom’s right in saying that seeing them the other day was a fluke. He thinks they were weeding or something and they got loose.

Anyway, Jesse didn’t work the last two days and so it’s been quiet. I think he had a visitor today, though. Before I went out to run while Tom walked, the dogs went off for a minute, then after we came inside we heard a couple of car doors. We think that’s what it was anyway.

The weather was great for running; a cool breeze yet warm sun. However, days like today and yesterday makes me think that yes, I would choose the desert over this climate. Since when does it get down to the low 40s at night in Arizona? These cold snaps are getting old!

My incense is coming tomorrow! I can’t wait to have the place filled with good smells, and I better fucking get the package, too. Tom says they’ll give it to me cuz it’s a big package. Just as soon as we’re done with them, though, so they can’t play spite games, we’re going to voice our suspicions to the BBB.

I now have 17 tweeters following me.

Off to finish IT 102!

MONDAY, APRIL 27, 2009 I looked up civil traffic violations and found that they commonly include speeding, parking in no-parking zones, running red lights, failing to obey traffic signs, driving in the wrong lane, driving without a seatbelt, and driving too slow on interstate highways. So it looks like the worst-case scenario, Stacey will have to pay $572, but not go to jail. Aw, too bad! She probably never did in the first place, after all.

We suspect they’ve been stealing some of our mail at the UPS Store. Little things like samples and small wins such as the CD I just got from Kiwi. So we’ve been weighing the pros and cons of getting a PO Box, having the mail delivered here, or using some other mail service. The problem with the PO Box is they don’t accept UPS & FedEx and a lot of the sweeps won’t let you enter with a PO Box. Bad economy or not, I enter hundreds of sweeps a day, I win something every few days, and that all stopped when we got this box last June. Amazing coincidence, huh? Yet we got a lot of stuff at the Carmichael box, so they don’t all steal. If we do go with another mail service place, we’ll only sign up for 6 months to test them out. Another reason we’re hesitant to get mail here, not that we don’t trust Jesse, is that when we move it may confuse the carriers with one name being forwarded from one place while another isn’t.

It’s been nice and quiet. I wonder if Brandy had her puppies yet. We saw a jackrabbit earlier. It’s deer season again, too. Haven’t heard the coyotes howling lately.

Now would be the ideal time to go to Italy while no one’s hiring and before we get a dog, not that Jesse wouldn’t keep it up at his place if we did, but we don’t have money for the new luggage we’d need or for food. And of course if he hadn’t gone and lost his passport, that’d help, too! He keeps saying he’ll find it. I keep saying he should call the American Embassy. He’s as good at losing things as I am with languages. Then again, why take a trip that’d cost us hundreds? Especially if one of us isn’t very excited about it.

My ear and teeth are both doing better. We’re now pretty convinced that a big part of the pressure problems I was having with the ear was due to the extreme elevation in Oregon, but now that we’re down here in Cali, it’s been getting better over time.

It’s too soon to say how effective the Restore toothpaste is, but the tooth that broke up in Oregon didn’t fall out completely and it’s black and ugly. The rest are yellow as hell, but that’s cuz I have a cup of tea every day. It’s part of my diet regimen to have Oolong tea.

It’s so sad that Farrah Fawcett is dying and she’s only 62. She’s got anal cancer, the poor thing, and her son, in jail for heroin, was allowed a supervised visit to her.

For some reason I regarded her as a stuck-up, conceited individual for the longest time, then over the years I’d see her in a scattering of interviews and decided she really isn’t much different than the average Jane. It’s still kind of sad cuz even though Kate was my favorite angel and I quit watching the show after she left, Farrah was a huge icon for many of those within my age group.

Bendejo’s eating regular rat food right now. The other one just wants junk.

The last dream I remember wasn’t a pleasant one. Tom and I were vacationing somewhere (I think) and he was off browsing in one store while I was in another. Two female employees came to detain me, insisting I was going to steal something, though I sure wasn’t. I was simply browsing. I said, “Look, I’ve just been diagnosed with breast cancer (I didn’t like that part), my mother has breast cancer, my father has a bum ticker, so I don’t need this crap!”

Yet I continued to wait and wait and it eventually got dark. I worried about Tom who would certainly be getting worried about me by now, wondering where the hell I could be.

Then the manager stepped in and he said, “I think you’ve been wasting poor Jodi’s time. You can go now.” And I literally took his hand and kissed it.

Then I asked this other lady if she could page Tom for me to let him know where I was. She said yes, walked through a tiny pool of water that was about 3” deep, picked up a hose that sort of looked like a dryer hose, and paged “Arthur.”

“Arthur?” I asked. “That’s my father’s name. Why are you calling him Arthur?”

SUNDAY, APRIL 26, 2009 Boy, those OLSers really like people-info sites! Someone posted a thread wanting to know how they could find out for free if someone has a record. I’d already known of some places to go for that, but someone provided a link to a place I’d never heard of before, and wow!

Let’s just say that some people I thought were clean – or at least relatively clean – aren’t so clean after all, and those who are naughty are even naughtier than I thought!

Besides digging up my own dirt – LOL – let’s see, big sis got sued by some hospital a couple of years ago. Nothing too big, but big enough. She was ordered to pay a total of $766 but was allowed to make weekly payments of $35.

But if she’s been working in some hospital and her husband owns his own business, why would she be so broke that she’d have to make payments?

Maybe I was wrong in assuming God not only protected my perps but that He also made sure they were living it up, cuz dear old Joely got sued a hell of a lot worse than that! She not only tried to get out of having to pay rent at some apartment complex, but she tried to rip off a daycare place too, and get free service for the little mistake she made that we taxpayers had to pay for. She lost both cases and was ordered to pay over a grand for each one.

Thank you, God, for showing her what it’s like to have to pay thousands of dollars, even if she deserved to and I didn’t. Now could you please give her a little taste of what it’s like to lose your freedom for a while? Lost sleep, cold showers, inedible food?

She and Mike have been duking it out in family court over the mistake since ’95, and now I know his last name. Figures he has to have a common name! Got too many hits on him, but I’m sure he’s got a nice, lengthy record of his own.

And while I didn’t bother to check, I’m sure she tormented her neighbors in PA & VA, too.

Got a lot of hits on the pig, but with a name that’s also common, who knows what’s his and what isn’t? He wasn’t worth the time it would take to go through them all, but I did leave him a less-than-pleasant review at a cop-rating site. I can’t believe he’s still on the force! Then again, I can. They all protect their own, don’t they?

Just like with the lawyer-rating site, it’s legal and I refuse to allow my right to free speech to be violated again in any way. If you threaten someone or falsely claim they won something – of course you’re asking for it – but nothing I did was illegal or dishonest, so I went for it. I simply stated the facts. I only had so much space to do it in so I just got right to the point about his conning, tricking and manipulating me on behalf of a personal friend who had a case and a vendetta going against me and how false and fabricated evidence was thrown in and information was withheld from me that could’ve helped me. But I didn’t know it until it was too late and I’d already been convicted.

What do I expect to come of it? Well, nothing of course, other than the peace of mind that comes with knowing that I finally got the chance to speak up after what he helped put me through, and not just in my journal or to those closest to me.

I like how it says, “You have the right to remain informed,” on the site, and we SHOULD have the right to remain informed, and if what I had to say about this twisted piece of shit can help someone else whom he may be using and abusing with his badge against – great. I think it’s great that one can now post their experiences with crooked cops, lawyers, doctors and people like that. Especially with so many of them falling into corruption.

Now here’s the biggest shocker of all. It totally cracks me up with laughter! Stacey may be doing a little time herself! LOL

Like I said, this one’s got me laughing the hardest. I guess it’s cuz it’s the most shocking. The others were assholes through and through and so it was no surprise to learn they’ve been in and out of jail and court. I still can’t believe the judge didn’t see Joely’s true colors shining through, and that she and the pig were buddies, but hey, it was Arizona. And she was black and I was white. That oughta tell anyone who’s ever lived there more than enough.

I just can’t picture Stacey getting arrested for drunk driving! It looks like that’s what the civil traffic violation is all about, but I can’t say for sure. It could be for speeding, running a light, or rear-ending someone, but it looks like a DUI to me. It happened in January and she’s got court dates for May and July, so whatever the outcome ends up being – and that’s a scary thought being in Arizona – it’s not going to happen for a while yet.

LOL, I honestly can’t picture her getting busted any more than I can picture my mother getting busted! I wonder, did she think of me? Did she think, so this is what it’s like? This is what she went through? However, she wouldn’t know I did time unless she recognized me on the news 9 years ago (my name had changed by then) or had read my journal.

LOL, Oh, my God, it’s just too funny! Too bad we weren’t arrested at the same time. Wouldn’t that have been loads of fun – Ahahahahaha!!!

Of course, I couldn’t resist, dropping the link off at her place of work, if she hasn’t already lost her job there. LOL

James also had a justice civil case in which he was the plaintiff, though it was dismissed, so he didn’t win anything. Same judge as Stacey has. Interesting.

A couple tried to sue both James and Stacey and the case was dismissed with prejudice. Stacey had a lawyer, but James represented himself. Good job, buddy!

Yes, Mary did get my card. She even left a message on the cell! I honestly would never know it was her if I didn’t know any better. She sounds great, though, saying she loves me, is doing great, and hopes I am, too. She called collect of course, and when the voicemail picked up it was saying that our cell couldn’t accept collect calls which she should’ve heard. Even so, as much as I loved hearing from her, I let her know we couldn’t accept collect calls, not that we could afford to right now anyway.

I also got a letter from her too, saying she likes this place better than both Naples and Estrella. She says she’s got the option of returning to Naples, but doesn’t think she will cuz now she can shower in private, has a room she can go in and out of, a cool bunkie, cool officers, though no radio. She said everyone knows who she is, but she’s in GP and doing fine.

I checked and she’s been moved 34 miles and is just 104 miles from my folks.

Got my period today which is quite a relief. Not just from water bloating, but hunger, too. I definitely seem to be hungrier before my period.

SATURDAY, APRIL 25, 2009 As for the Italian, I’m 80% through the course with an 85% accuracy rate.

It was absolutely FREEZING in here in the low 50s in the morning. It ended up jumping 30º to 82º, my favorite temp. I like it between 77º and 82º as long as there are fans going and I’m not wearing any sleeves. We didn’t bother to turn the cooler on or even open any windows. This way it won’t get as cold in the morning, though it is to be a bit warmer tomorrow. I just get so sick of these 30-40-degree lo/hi fluctuations! That’s the only thing I miss from Massachusetts; how it would only fluctuate about 15º between night and day.

Other than that I’m bloated, watery as hell, and wishing my period would hurry up and arrive to relieve me of what feels like the entire Sacramento River!

Only a few barks from Jesse’s dogs, and no sign of the renter’s dogs.

I hope Mary got my postcard ok since there’s no way it could be returned to me if there was a problem with it or the address. Better yet I really do hope they get on with the damn trial soon enough so she can finally go home!

FRIDAY, APRIL 24, 2009 Before I get to Lisa, the magic word has continued to work like magic! Ah, but I knew I’d be trading in one problem for another. Actually, it’s an old one that’s returned. The renter’s dogs are running around loose again (I suppose next comes the shooting). When I see them again tomorrow I’ll be sure to call the number Jesse gave us so they can hopefully rack up enough complaints to lose them. Typical renters! Typical fucking renters. They do what they’re supposed to do for a while (with much effort on your part) then say “fuck it.” Always gotta keep on re-applying complaints cuz they only do so good for so long.

I almost didn’t see them. They were running towards me as I was standing out on the deck. Then I turned my head and that’s when I spotted them approaching the car and yelled at them. Dogs don’t typically sneak up like cats do, so I’m guessing they didn’t see me either. One doubled back real fast and disappeared down in the ditch, but the other was more reluctant to leave so fast.

Now I gotta watch my ass when running out there, although it should be getting too hot for outdoor running. Not this morning, though. This morning was beautiful! It was cool and breezy, perfect for running. The land is ablaze with wildflowers too, like yellow daisies and bluebells. It rained steadily in the late afternoon.

I heard the dirt bike for a while. There’s always gotta be something! But it sure beats hours of barking I don’t know how to stop. I just know it’s important to call the pound on these dogs. If I don’t they’ll stir Jesse’s dogs up more and more, and then I’d have to worry about them jumping me or barking right outside the window when I’m asleep. The owner obviously isn’t going to fix the problem, so it’s up to me and whoever else is bothered by them to do something about it. I only saw 2 of the 3 so far.

I got up to pee at 5:30 and the dogs were going crazy, but because I wasn’t ready to get up yet, I didn’t do anything about it. I just hope I can when I’m up during the hours they’re at their craziest.

I posted my ‘before’ and ‘now’ weight pics on Kiwi.

So Lisa’s in Groton and has searched for me on My Life, a site that sends me an alert when someone’s looking for me. There’s also a 29-year-old female in Tennessee who’s looked up my name, but since I don’t know anyone there it probably wasn’t me they were looking for but someone else with the same name.

I don’t know why, but as far as this site’s concerned, I’m still in Arizona and Oregon. LOL

Lisa’s been a member since 2007 and there was a picture of her that was so tiny I couldn’t really make out much. No real facial detail of any kind. She appeared to be in a short black dress with black heels, trying to look all sexy or something.

Anyway, while I’m not surprised she was looking for me, as close as we were, nothing’s changed. Nothing at all. While I may not sit and actively wish bad things upon my family, I wouldn’t exactly cry over anything bad that did happen either. I keep in touch with my folks mostly as a courtesy to them for saving us when we couldn’t access our money when the debit card company screwed up. But even that I try to limit as we don’t always see eye to eye.

I don’t blame Lisa for her mother’s actions and the fact that her mother was a lousy mother who was never ready for kids or able to handle them. She wasn’t the worst mother in the world, but she was still very negative, insensitive, domineering and just downright moody. Tammy always had a problem with jealousy. This means that no matter how good of a singer Lisa may’ve gotten to be, she would always make cracks about it and try to cut her down and discourage her. And not just because she knew the odds were way against her no matter how good she may be. But the whole point is that while I don’t blame Lisa for what others did, I could never resume an aunt/niece relationship with her any more than I could be sisters with Tammy cuz of all the negative history. Sure, they’ll always be my sister and niece. But only in memory. And if Lisa isn’t already aware of this journal, she will find it one day and read this for herself.

My sister’s twisted attraction to abusive men not only allowed her own self to suffer but her children as well. So while the apple may not always fall close to the tree, I hope my nieces will choose life over children. Not just so they can be free to live, learn and experience life, but so they won’t repeat what they grew up with.

Lisa, if you are reading this, your mother allowed Bill, who lied about his cancer either altogether or as to what the extent of it really was since the bastard’s still alive, to abuse you. Then since I wasn’t there to beat the shit out of him for it, I let him know just what I’d like to do to him via mail/phone. What did mommy dearest do? Oh, she just gave him our address so he could sic the pigs on me. That’s how much she appreciated my sticking up for her. Your mother may not be responsible for what our old neighbors did by using race and their cop friend to legally fucked me over after Tom lodged a city complaint against them for noise and vandalism, but her actions, which led these assholes to where we’d moved to so they could torment us there too, cost us half a year’s time together, thousands of dollars, and a world of anguish no therapist or drug could ever cure.

I’m sorry she put you down, I’m sorry she put you in harm’s way. I’m sorry she carried on the so-called family tradition by finding it easier to deal with your problems by having you doped up. I’m sorry she was too weak to address her own problems. I’m sorry Bill ridiculed your weight and helped you to become bulimic even though he’s a hypocritical fat fuck of a pig himself.

I’d still like to kick his ass. I’m still relatively young. I run. I strength-train. I have a temper that can make even his look like a joke. So trust me, there’d be no competition. Same goes for Larry and Ronnie. I can still feel that rage bubbling beneath the surface when I think of them. Oh, what this healthy little runner could do to those aging little monsters these days! I’d even bet money I don’t have on it. But this is why, though. This is why I couldn’t have anything to do with anyone even remotely connected to them other than my folks. It would only bring back all that anger and all those unwanted memories. Remembering the so-called “good times” doesn’t always cut it, though there are no good times to be remembered when it comes to Bill and Ronnie. Nonetheless, I swore back in the late 90s that I would never again let myself be sucked up by the family drama and I’m going to keep my word, too!

I’m just glad the kids are all adults now so they can leave when Tammy wants to get off on Mark’s abuse all so she can have an excuse to be the melodramatic drama queen she’s always loved to be in order to satiate those cravings for attention.

I can see why it would be hard for anyone who comes from a stable, close family to even comprehend where I’m coming from, but that’s ok. I understand. That’s all that matters. I don’t believe in forgiveness and it’s for a very good reason. Besides, it’s kind of hard to forgive someone who doesn’t even believe they did anything wrong. That’d be like me trying to hand a bleeding person a band-aid for a cut all the while they’re glancing over themselves going, “What cut? Where? Where am I cut?” Tammy got all defensive and went right into denial when I told her my reasons for not wanting anything to do with her when she found me on Facebook. Bill couldn’t have gotten our address from anyone else, but it’s true that she may not have known about the neighbors if the letter I sent her from Oregon a few years ago didn’t get to her. That would depend on whether she moved or not. Either way, it doesn’t change anything. If it hadn’t been for her, the warrant for my arrest we didn’t even know existed till the pigs came out to find out what the hell she was up to, would’ve eventually expired. I STILL can’t believe she gave Bill our address after we left Phoenix. That’d be like me shooting someone who went to beat up someone who’d just raped me!

THURSDAY, APRIL 23, 2009 I’m now 67% through Italian 102 with a score of 86%.

Yesterday was laid-back yet productive. I only had to quiet the dogs a few times.

My incense has been shipped. I should get it early next week. Hope my Kiwi CD is at the mail place when Tom checks it tomorrow. I know that special toothpaste oughta be there.

Guess I’ll just have to make this short and sweet as I can’t really think of anything else to say. Off to sleep now!

Later…

I’m now 74% through the course, still with a score of 86%. Just 4 more lessons, then it’s on to Italian 201.

The toothpaste did come today, but no CD yet. I’ve sent a note to Bianca asking if there have been any delays in sending out prizes. I sometimes wonder if the people at the UPS store aren’t stealing our mail. It’d be so easy. They’re not trained postal employees who receive any kind of real supervision. They’re just anyone, cuz anyone can work there. We may get a PO Box. The less our mail has to change hands, the better. They cost less and they’d forward our mail every time we moved. The only problem with them is that they don’t accept UPS or FedEx deliveries. But if I’m not winning or shopping like I used to, does it really matter?

Anyway, I’m hoping the toothpaste helps rebuild my teeth and that I get my incense without any problems.

In case I forgot to mention it, Tom took my progress pictures a few days ago now that I’ve lost 20 pounds. I emailed copies to Jessie, but haven’t heard from her. Seems I rarely do anyway. I made sure to wear the same thing I did in the first set of pics and stand in a similar manner, too. Only difference is Tom shot them landscape this time around instead of portrait. Oh well.

There was even less barking today. I could hear voices when I stepped outside a couple of times, but couldn’t tell where they were coming from. No one was at Jesse’s as far as Tom could tell, but the fact that I could make out a couple of words makes me think it had to have come from his place. Everyone else on this side of the place is supposedly over 400’ away, so it’s hard to believe I could make out words at that distance, but who knows?

I wish I had wins to write about and other cool stuff, but nope. This is it. I guess I’ve turned into a real bore, but at least things aren’t going badly for us!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 22, 2009 I feel the best I’ve felt in months! Although I have to apply the magic word 4 or 5 times throughout the day when they bark, I just yell up, “Be quiet!” And they stop instantly. This really takes a lot of stress off me. Now I can go back to doing things that require a quiet background in which to concentrate anytime I want to and not just at night. I hated having to have fans, sound machines, and air cleaners running when I didn’t always need or want them on. Wish Jesse had told me the magic word back in November! But better later than never.

I got out to run a little later than last time so 15 minutes later the sun jumped over the mountain and started warming me up a bit too much. So between that and the slime green caterpillars coming down on webs from some of the trees that hang over my running path, I bailed on indoors.

I am now wearing a dress that Tom and I both agree is just about wearable, but still slightly snug, which I never thought I’d be able to wear again. It’s one of those clingy dresses that are form-fitting. The type my parents might label as whorish. But I like it and that’s what counts! It’s got pink and purple daisies against a white background with silver glitter accents.

I can’t think of anything else to say right now. Just doing my usual – working out, cleaning, writing, listening to music, studying, and just enjoying a peaceful day in the country!

MONDAY, APRIL 20, 2009 Jesse came down to work on the cooler yesterday with the dogs and we actually had a little fun. For the last two days, our cooler wasn’t working properly. Tom thought it would work itself out (that’s how optimistic he is), but when I saw that it was 82º in here when it was on high and it was only 81º outside, I knew we needed to call Jesse. It’s his piece of shit anyway, so he should be the one to deal with it. So right after we heard Jesse return on the motorcycle, he called him.

He came down in the truck with the dogs in back. He then got on the roof and saw all the junk that had gotten into it which was why not all the pads were able to get water pumped to them.

When he got down I asked if the puppies had been born yet and he said they would be at the end of this month. The dogs look similar. For some reason, I had thought one was black and the other brown. But the female, which has shorter hair and is part Australian shepherd, part border collie, is mostly black with white markings and weird-colored eyes. The male, which is almost twice as big, has longer fur and brown eyes. Their names are Brandy and Whiskey (someone likes to drink).

I commented on how they’re wonderful when he’s here and naughty when he’s gone, and he said that while there’s only so much he can do, feel free to go on up there and yell at them and throw sticks and rocks at them. Well, I certainly wouldn’t want to do that, but tomorrow when he goes back to work I’ll go out and yell out the word “quiet,” which he assures me they do understand.

Jesse then took off to get his kid for a few hours like he usually does when he’s not working, then returned with him and the dogs. The kid’s adorable with freckles and a curly mop of hair.

So Jesse went up with his shop vac and vacuumed out the crap and that’s when the boy got out of the truck and we chatted with him and I patted the dogs. They’re very affectionate. Whiskey slobbered kisses all over me.

I was glad to hear Jesse say that his brother has 4 dogs which he thinks is too many. Good! Now I won’t have to worry about him starting a collection up there. I was also surprised and kind of glad to learn that you do have to get rid of your dogs if you get at least 4 complaints. This came up when I said I was glad the renters moved. He said he doesn’t know for sure that they moved, but that they might’ve started tying them up so they don’t lose them, which was when he mentioned that you can lose them with 4 complaints. I thought that he could get a million complaints against his own dogs and all he’d have to do is say, “But there’s nothing I can do about it when I’m out, and I work 12 hours a day, too long to keep a dog indoors.”

So a part of me wishes he’d get a few more complaints to go with the one I know he’s already got, but if going out and yelling, “Quiet Brandy, quiet Whiskey” will do the trick, so be it.

I joked about us trading houses and he laughed and said, “Yeah, especially with how often I’m gone.”

It kinda does suck to know that we’re two people crammed into 500 square feet, yet he’s just one person in more than twice this amount of space.

He said he’s got to clean out his own cooler too, so he’s going to pick up pumps and pads in case one of us needs them. He’s also going to aim for either after work or the weekend to bulldoze the back of the lot. He’s been saying that a while now, so I’ve got to see it to believe it.

Earlier in the morning, at around 8:00, I didn’t want to wait another hour or two for Tom to get up so I could run indoors. Therefore I ran outdoors instead. It was gorgeous out! Just smelling that fresh mountain air is really invigorating.

Between 6:00 - 6:30 is when he goes to bring his kid home and I knew they’d bark at that time. When they did I stepped outside and said, “Quiet,” loudly and sternly and it worked! I wish I had known the magic word months ago and that it keeps on silencing them this fast!

SUNDAY, APRIL 19, 2009 OMG, I did it! I lost 20 pounds! I’m 127 pounds! I really, really did it!!! That’s all I’ll say for now cuz I’m so excited and busy doing other things.

Later…

So now I have light golden brown hair to go with my slowly but surely shrinking waistline. It looks nice too, in browns and reds as opposed to black. The loss of the 20th pound actually came faster than expected. I didn’t expect to hit it till the first week of next month, so it was quite a surprise when I woke up and found I was already there! I had put myself at 120 by the end of the year based on my speed so far, and around 100 for the fall of next year, but maybe I’ll get there sooner.

Shopping was fun, though it wasn’t without a bit of confusion and a little scare. The confusion came when I took two pink sleeveless dresses into the fitting room to try on, one small, the other medium. I tried the small one first. It was slightly snug, but I wanted something with “room to shrink in” since I’m bound to lose more weight, even though I have my moments when I think I’ve stopped. I decided to go with the small and not bother trying on the medium. But when I went to leave I saw that the one I had tried on (because I hadn’t undone the belt on the other one) was on the hanger marked ‘medium’ and so I was surprised that a medium would be tight on me. Mediums should now be either just right or too big on me depending on the cut. But then I realized that while I only tried one dress on, I did take them both off their hangers. And put the small dress on the medium hanger!

I got 5 small colognes – New Musk, Primo, A Little Sexy, You Sexy Thang and Cotton Candy.

I got 4 lip balms – Nesquik chocolate, Jelly Belly coconut, bubble gum and Reese’s. They’re a little dry compared to the Bonne Bell’s I usually get, but it’s nice to have fun flavors every so often that are different.

I also got a package of white ankle socks, two white sports bras, and a light blue tank top with spaghetti straps. It has a neon orange and green palm tree design with “California” written below it. It’s also a size small. Yes, I am officially in the small zone now! Woo-hoo!

Lastly, besides the hair dye, I got a candy bar, bedding for the rats, and Trident gum that actually helps my teeth like it claims to. It says it strengthens teeth. I had stopped chewing gum because it hurt my teeth, then I received a sample pack of Trident Xtra Care in the mail. Amazingly enough, I can now chew on both sides of my mouth, even with the huge cavity I have in one of my back-bottom molars.

So anyway, as we were about to check out of Kmart and I handed the cashier the GCs I won, they wouldn’t scan at first and she asked if they’d been used before. I was worried I’d have to put everything back! But her supervisor helped her and all was fine.

I just lit my last stick of incense (Magnolia), but I have a new wholesale order on the way! Incense is the one guilty pleasure I simply cannot live without. I have 100-packs coming of Autumn Lodge, Birthday Cake, Blueberry Cheesecake, Blueberry Pie, Jasmine Vanilla, Lady Chocolate, Loganberry, Peanut Butter Cups, Pomegranate, General Store, Sugar Cane, Vermont Maple Syrup, Warm Apple Crisp and Patchouli.

I also donated a buck to MD and hope that people will leave us donations if we ever have a website of our own.

I was also worried the cooler was broken, but it looks like it’s working itself out. It just takes a little time for the water flowing through the tubes to break down the calcium build-up.

Last night I woke up hot after barely an hour of sleep. Tom cut the cooler off too soon. Then an hour after I fell back asleep, I had to play nose. Yeah, my nose was all stuffed up and so I had to deal with that and take a Benadryl to get back to sleep comfortably enough after Tom chatted with me and rubbed my back. I was really fired up and frustrated last night. Not just with waking up sweating, but we need a house to live in, you know?! We need a real, genuine, honest-to-God house! Not some fucking flimsy old box with a funky cooling system. I miss having a normal cooling system that’s vented to all the rooms and that has a thermostat like the heater does.

So I was just frustrated over the reality that at least I see. Tom doesn’t see it, but I do. I hope I’m seeing wrong, but I still don’t think we’ll ever have our own home. A real home.

There was the other ongoing issue, too. The anger I still feel to this day over those who’ve wronged me and have gotten away with it. I feel like God or something up there has protected them and that they’re no doubt living it up somewhere, but Tom assures me that just because I don’t see them suffer doesn’t mean they aren’t. He reminded me that Tammy’s always been a miserable person and no doubt still is, but she’s not exactly who I had in mind. I’m not talking about her or any other family members, I’m talking about the fucking freeloaders that victimized me for years, both legally and not. I may not be able to ever forgive Tammy or Larry, but I can’t say I’d like to see them suffer either. In their case, I just don’t care. Yet despite all the venting, both in my journal and verbally, I don’t think anything can ever get me over what the other subhuman pieces of shit have done. Some things you simply don’t move on from. I could see a million therapists and pop a million pills till the day I died, but I will never forgive them, and I sure as hell won’t ever forget!

Oh, just to have 5 minutes with them! All of them. Just 5 minutes of alone time! That would be more therapeutic than anything else ever could be.

Tom pointed out that everyone gets burned in life, but this was rather extreme. Not that he disagrees or feels I’m wrong for the way I feel. He does understand. They victimized him too; he just didn’t get thrown in jail. But I did, and I know that just like with any rape victim or victim of some other violent act, or a victim that’s been scammed really bad, I’m going to have spells throughout my life where I remember my tormenters and what they did and just simmer with a rage I hope most people can never understand firsthand.

Other than yesterday’s emotions and sweaty wake-up call, it’s been a fun day. Quiet too, the last two days, but starting tomorrow the peace will be gone. My schedule sucks right now. I’ll be waking up right when the worst of the barking starts. All I can do is just hope they shut up by 8:00 or 9:00 like they usually do. The heat does seem to put a lid on them, and it’s going to be hot for a while.

Tom researched Mary’s case, and if Monster isn’t found incompetent like he was in 2005 (I wasn’t aware of this), the trial begins June 9th.

SATURDAY, APRIL 18, 2009 The check came yesterday so Tom got the groceries which he saved $10 on thanks to the Kimberly-Clark coupons I won. This way we got a free giant pack of toilet paper and a 3-pack of Kleenex tissues. I also won an $80 men’s hoodie which encouraged me to return to sweeping. Hey, it’s in my blood. I was meant to sweep and I was meant to win. I just haven’t been winning nearly as much with the economy being so shitty. Anyway, it’s a nice hoodie, although it should be a while before he wears it with the weather warming up. We killed the pilot to the heater so that should delay our next propane delivery.

Tom couldn’t get the cooler working yesterday, but he says it’s just a quick and simple fix. I hope we don’t have to call Jesse down, though we will if it’s going to cost anything. It’s his piece of shit, not ours. I’ll just have to stay inside so I don’t do anything I’ll regret. Seriously, I just want to grab him by the neck and squeeze some consideration into the rude little prick! Yeah, talk about getting all fired up for nothing yesterday morning! The dogs started at their earliest ever which was 5:00. Makes me wonder if he’s going to start leaving for work at 4:00 or even 3:00! So they started up at 5:00 and it was definitely softer. This went on for about an hour, and I was just about to be like OMG, he moved them to the back of the house! Someone actually gave a shit!

From behind the house, it’s certainly much more tolerable, but then the barking got louder and I stepped outside and could clearly see them in front. So the joke was on me for two more hours. So much for thinking he cared enough to move them! Then I felt myself begin to simmer with rage. The kind that made me just want to beat the shit out of him or anyone else that may deserve it. I’m sick of living with people that are just going to do what they’re going to do no matter what and to hell with anyone who has to deal with it! But would a senior community really be any better if we could ever get into one? Again, despite the fact that barking is a big problem in the West with the way most people don’t allow their dogs indoors, this is a curse that’s specifically aimed at me, designed to be extreme no matter where I go. So if we were suddenly in a senior community that normally didn’t leave dogs unattended and allowed to bark, would we end up with that one fluke next to us who did 3-6 months after moving in? It wouldn’t surprise me if we did.

Other than the continual frustration of Jesse’s dogs and no one hiring around here, happiness is knowing we have a full refrigerator! And knowing that tomorrow morning we’re going to take the $50 K-Mart CG I won and do some fun shopping for a change. It’s been a long time since we’ve been able to do anything like that.

We ordered that special toothpaste that’s supposed to “fill in the holes,” though we didn’t order it from Katie’s father’s site. I won’t tell her that, but we ordered it elsewhere because it was much cheaper. I hope it helps! I’m sick of these miserable cavities.

There were helicopters buzzing around here yesterday too, but they weren’t working on this tower. I think they were over at the next tower with is just beyond the summit.

Although Twitter’s not as much fun as Kiwi and MD since you only have 140 characters per tweet, I now have 2 followers. I guess they’re learning Italian, too. Speaking of which, I oughta get on with flashcards before it gets noisy.

FRIDAY, APRIL 17, 2009 The dogs have been quieter, though it does appear that yes, Jesse is still working. I hope it stays this way and that they don’t go back to barking for hours at a time!

The flying pigs turned out to be the flying power company. Yeah, we saw the same helicopter yesterday and the day before dropping off and picking up both people and objects from the tower up on the summit. I don’t mind this kind of noise when I’m awake, but I hope they finish up by the time I’m on nights again.

I’m still studying flashcards. I’ve found that it’s more challenging if I see them in English first and then translate them to Italian, whereas when I see them in Italian first, I automatically know what it means.

I’m a pitiful excuse for a sweeper! I won a T-shirt. Winning what we don’t need is almost as bad as not winning at all! What a pisser. Like we need another T-shirt! That’s okay, I’ve officially quit sweeping today and not just because I don’t win much anymore, but because the thought of changing passcards, account info, and shit like that all over again because we can’t keep the same address for more than 5 minutes makes me want to scream. Yeah, the UPS Store we use is closing. They offered us two free additional months at another place in town, but we’ll probably save $100 and just start getting our mail delivered here.

Finally heard from Mary, who’s been moved from Naples to Fort Myers where Monster is. She said she wishes she could tell me what’s going on, but her lawyer ordered her not to. Also, she can only receive postcards there which sucks, but I had a few laying around and so I’m sending one of those today. She didn’t at least tell me if she was in PC or GC and if she liked it better or worse there. Being only able to send postcards sucks, but hopefully she won’t be there long enough for it to matter and this is finally the beginning of the end!

I signed up for Twitter. Celebs are big on it, too. I don’t know why it says I’m following Mandy Moore & Two in the Shirt cuz I’m not. Anyway, nothing for Gloria or Farrah, but Kate, Linda and Jaclyn are there. Kate, I’m sure of cuz it lists the series she’s starred in, but I’m not sure if it’s the real Linda and Jackie. I’m guessing it is cuz they have no updates, though not all celebs have no updates. Mandy has over 100K. Why would some celebs have no updates? Maybe just to see how many followers they get? Well, Kate only has 7, counting me. What a trip it would be if she checked out my journals and followed back. I don’t think she will, though, as she’s not following anyone and neither are Linda and Jackie. If it’s really Kate, I’m a little surprised at the spelling errors she made. She always seemed so smart to me, but just cuz you’re not the greatest speller doesn’t mean you can’t be smart otherwise.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 15, 2009 For some reason, I have been sooo cold! Tomorrow should be our last cold day, then the poor-assed bums here can kill the pilot on their heater and save on propane. Yeah, get ready folks, I’m about to hit you with another poverty rant!

It turns out we owe just $70 to the state, but a whopping $654 to our corrupt government thanks to the 9K I won in early ’08. (I still wonder why we never got a tax form for the ’07 cruise I also won). Anyway, I feel like I’m being punished for winning! Who the fuck should have to “pay” to win?! This is so fucked up and unfair, like demanding payment from someone you’re giving a gift to or something like that. And this supposedly comes after a “break.” I guess it’s normally $80 for every grand which they dropped to $60, but still – $654 in taxes, nearly $600 to get the pawned Mac and TV back – why not make it 6 grand?

If God didn’t have to go and curse me with this sleep disorder so I couldn’t work, I could’ve gone out right along with Tom and got a job wherever just as soon as they started hiring again. Even if we both made just $10 an hour, that’d be like him making $20 an hour alone! I totally resent Him for doing this to me! And as long as I’m never allowed the luxury of insurance, I can’t get my condition diagnosed in a sleep clinic so I can at least try to get my benefits reinstated.

I’m just sick of having to play poor-assed bums here! I’m sick of never having enough money for things we need and want, especially those that we need.

It seems that the only good winning the money did was to get us out of the motel. That in itself is a huge thing, but it makes me afraid to sweep anymore, not that I’ve been winning anything good anyway. Tom said a big win would be great now cuz then we could pay off what we owe. But then we’d have to pay taxes on that, I pointed out, though he said that the more I win, the more we make since you never pay more than the prize. Well, if things keep going the way they have been, I’m never going to win big again either way.

I swear the only time we didn’t have any money problems was the last couple of years in Oregon, and we’ve been married for almost 15 years. We did make close to 40K for several years down in Arizona, but it all went to the house. What a total fucking waste too, to have made that much money just to sink it all into a house we would ultimately lose just 5 years later.

The question is, why us? If things are supposed to happen for a reason, then why are we one of God’s designated little bums destined to struggle no matter how hard we work and try to get ahead? Why were we chosen to suffer financially? What am I supposed to do? Be a good little bum and hope we’re well rewarded in the afterlife or something?

People would probably say that I should be grateful for the things we do have, and I am. But having a nice computer doesn’t get my teeth fixed. Having someone else’s bummy old trailer doesn’t get us our own home. And being on unemployment sure as hell doesn’t buy us any security.

Sure, I’m blessed as hell to have a husband who loves me unconditionally. And also to have my only health problems be my teeth and ingrown toenail since even my ear and allergies have been better. But what about the new mattress we need so I can stop waking up with a backache? When can I stop wearing the same clothes year after year? When can my husband get a backup vehicle so we’re not stranded and possibly doomed if the main one craps out on us? He does all our car work, but what if it broke in such a way right now that it cost hundreds or even thousands to fix? Then what? So you see? We’re just as cursed as we are blessed. Maybe even more so.

I try to tell myself that living poorly won’t kill us and to quit letting it get to me or else I’m going to have a miserable life since things are never going to change. There’s only so much we can do to change it anyway. We’re poor, we’ve mostly always been poor, and we’ll mostly always be poor. It’s just who we were meant to be in this life. So crying about it won’t change things. But it’s not that easy. It frustrates the hell out of me more and more with time that instead of becoming easier to live with as time goes on, I only get more pissed off about it. The thought of never being able to own our own home and always having to scrape pennies is heartbreaking. And it infuriates the hell out of me even more! What the fuck did we do to deserve this?!

But you know good old optimistic Tom here. I’ll get a job soon enough, he says, and we’ll be ok. It won’t take forever to pay the taxes off, and no, we haven’t lost the Mac and TV. And hey, all it takes is a regular job and we can make a down payment on a house in a senior community in a few years.

The dogs went off at 5:50 yesterday and I was trying to concentrate on what I was doing and didn’t want to hear it, so I kicked the sound machine on. But then I was surprised by not hearing any barking when I went out to pee 15 minutes later, then into the kitchen a while after that. Tom said he saw a strange white pickup there, so I’m thinking that yeah, he may still be working, but someone’s obviously staying with him for the dogs not to have barked for hours. Maybe she’s had her puppies. I don’t think he went out and hired a dog sitter, as the guy would never give a damn about the peace of those around him enough to do so, but he’s had someone up there for some unrelated reason unless it’s really him.

I still wish someone would complain about the barking when it gets bad again – and it will – but all he has to do is say, “There’s nothing I can do about it. I work 12-hour days, too long to keep a dog indoors, so there’s nothing I can do.” No judge is going to tell him to cut his hours or get rid of the dogs, so I’m hoping that if worse comes to worst we can at least rent a place in a senior community in a few years. I still can’t believe barking would be an issue there, cursed with it or not.

The dogs may’ve been quieter the last few days, but what’s with all the helicopter activity lately? It’s never been like this before. Today there was a helicopter flying back and forth, sometimes hovering, and it was right as I was trying to sleep. We thought it may’ve been a police helicopter looking for someone. Well, if they were, then whatever the person did must’ve been pretty big. Unless they’re like Arizona where they make mountains out of molehills, it must’ve been pretty heavy-duty. I just hope those flying pigs don’t make a habit of this! Or whoever else it may be. Flying overhead is one thing, but lately they’ve been flying low and hovering at times and it’s tremendously loud.

I’m reviewing flashcards and I’m finding that it helps a lot more than I thought it would. It’s still more fun than frustrating to learn languages! At least for me, it is.

When I got up and weighed in today, I hit a new low, but not a new pound. My current low had been 128.8 and now it’s 128.6. I think I may’ve already slammed that 20-pound marker. According to what I wrote a year and 3 days ago when we first moved in here and unpacked the old scale, I was 138 pounds. Then when we went out and got the new one that guarantees its accuracy, it said I was really 10 pounds heavier. But when I officially started the diet I was 147 pounds, so 127 is when I’ll count it as a 20-pound loss. It’s probably really close to 25 pounds, though. I could’ve easily gotten into the low 150s in those final days at the motel.

MONDAY, APRIL 13, 2009 I managed to get 54% through, but my score dropped to 87%. Again, there are too many ways to say the same or similar things and it’s hard to always know what goes where when forming sentences. The grammar really, really sucks!

Tom said it was windy and quiet today. Yeah, I noticed the quiet part of it till I crashed at around 9am. Obviously, Jesse’s out of work again, which is fine with me. I looked up there at 5:15, saw a light on, and figured he was on his way out soon and that it’d be a wild morning. Yet I never heard a sound when I went to pee at 5:45, then again at 6:30, and then for the last time right before 8:00.

Tom, Jasmine and Alison have a point in saying I can’t judge weight on a day-to-day basis and that it’s an overall balance of diet and exercise. I had around 300 more calories yesterday, though today I woke up half a pound less. It just frustrates me at times during days when I feel like all my hunger and hard work are going to waste.

I had a series of weird dreams all throughout the day, waking up every hour or two for no apparent reason. I’d fall right back asleep, but why do I wake up so often lately?

In one dream I was lost in this huge building. Every time I’d step into another room, shut the door behind me and then turn around to leave, the door wouldn’t open and I’d realize I had stepped into an elevator and not a small room as I would feel movement a second later.

In another dream, Tom was saying he wanted to knock me up by the end of February so we’d have someone to look out for us when we were old, and I tried to convince him it was now April, and that there are no guarantees that one’s kids will be there for them in the end. I wasn’t worried, though, as I knew he liked cumless sex too much to impose any risk, and that age would make it harder to cum either way. I also knew it wasn’t to be anyway no matter how many doctors said I was just fine in the good old reproductive department.

Jesse got a helicopter in another dream. Not at all something that made me happy! Thank God he can’t sic that much on us!

The last dream I remember is Tom coming home in a nice new pickup or SUV that was of a decent size. In the dream, he could drive all the way around the shed and park facing the place. I stepped outside and he said, “I’m not coming in. I’m going to water now.” When I asked why he was hosing the area down he said some crazy thing about it helping to make it rain more evenly when it finally did rain.

My hair is now getting long enough to hold a knot, but I don’t think I’m going to cut it just yet. I’m still not sure what I want to do with it.

No sound of the wall creature tonight. For the last few nights, I’ve been hearing movement that sounds like it’s been coming from the front bedroom wall. The movements sound a bit loud for mice, though I don’t know what else could fit in these thin walls. Raccoons and skunks certainly couldn’t be in there unless the sound is really coming from somewhere underneath.

SUNDAY, APRIL 12, 2009 Wow, it seems I have an amazing ability here. That is the ability to lose just two-tenths of a pound in my sleep! Seriously, I woke up and saw that and was like WTF?! How could I have run two miles yesterday and had 1000 calories or less just to have a metabolism so slow that I would lose so little in my sleep? I don’t expect to lose 2-3 pounds overnight like I did when I was younger, but 1-2 pounds is still pretty reasonable, isn’t it?

Tom reminded me that it just takes time to lose weight. Most people who lose it seem to lose 1-2 pounds a week, but not me. I never could lose it faster than one pound every 10-30 days. I seem to spend two weeks hitting a new low, then another two getting it to stick.

It’s going so slow that I’m not sure I’m going to lose anymore. I always believed, unlike Tom, that those who are fat either want to be deep down on a subconscious level or just don’t mind, not that there’s anything wrong with that. Hey, to each their own! Tom, however, thinks the vast majority of those who are fat want to be thin, but they just can’t figure out a way to go about getting there because dieting is so hard. It’s really hard, alright, that’s for sure! Lots of hunger. But maybe Tom has a point to a degree. Maybe this is all I can lose and there’s nothing I can do about it short of starving. How I wish I could puke up at least one of my main meals!

Jesse apparently left on the motorcycle either before we got up or while Tom was out. Twice he heard about 10 barks. Then I got up at 4:00 not knowing Jesse was out. All was peaceful till around 7:00, then they went off for a few minutes and that’s when I knew he was out. And no, they haven’t been moved at all. Should I be surprised? Around 7:20 Jesse returned on the motorcycle so that’s when we knew he had been out on the motorcycle after all. I figured as much now that the weather’s cleared up.

Let’s see, it’s coming up on 9:30, so I should have 8 hours of peace before all hell breaks loose. Man, is it going to be a wild week! With the weather cleared up and me being up later in the mornings, I’m sure our lovely God will be sure to reign down all kinds of barking on me. Or whatever’s been so determined to sic this dog curse on me year after year. I have the sound machine on, but you can still hear it in places like the bathroom and kitchen. Even one end of the living room you can kind of hear it in cuz the air cleaner out there isn’t very loud.

I did manage to get onto LiveMocha last night around 2am and complete a couple of lessons. I feel like I’m finally improving, although my grammar is still weak. I’m now 47% through the course, still holding a score of 89%.

Here’s a little poem that came to me that I had to write down while it was fresh in my mind. Yeah, you can tell I’m a runner.

Catch Me If You Can

I whiz through the air without the slightest care. Feet pounding, heart pounding, it really is astounding.

Catch me if you can as I breeze through the hills and trees. 1 mile, 2 miles, all the while ignoring the pain in my knees.

Follow if you must, though I’m sure I’d leave you in the dust. 5 miles an hour, 6 miles an hour, it’s almost time for my shower.

Running, running, running, it feels so wild and free. The music is all I can hear as I move to its beat.

I begin to sweat, but I have another mile to go yet. I’m moving so fast everything is a blur, ah, but the calories I’ve burned!

Running with the wind, warm breeze against my skin. Moving right along without breaking my speed, I wonder if you can catch me?

Can you catch me? I’ve darted right past you, so catch me if you can!

SATURDAY, APRIL 11, 2009 Why do they always have to come so fast? The story ideas. They usually come to me in my dreams and at a time when I already have another story going that I’m working on. Still, I hate to not run and get any new ideas started when it’s fresh in my mind even though I haven’t yet done that in this case as I’ve been busy with other things.

The language site is bogged down again and pissing me off. Tom checked it out and we both agree their servers just can’t accommodate all the traffic, and being the weekend and all, that’s probably why it’s so bad now. I didn’t know I had all these achievements there either. I was English Teacher of the Week a few times, then I was Italian Student of the Week a few times as well.

Tom heard not one single bark all day. Either Jesse was home or he took off with them in the truck. If he’s not going to give us peace during the weekdays, I sure hope we can at least count on weekends and nights being peaceful, although I did hear a few 2am barks last night. Still, I can live with a few scattered barks. It’s the barking fits that last several minutes or hours I can do without.

Looks like I won’t need to bother with Rhapsody Unlimited which costs $15 a month. We set up a free account with both our emails and this way each account gets 25 plays a month. Plenty for gathering new songs or replacing bad copies.

Still nothing from Mary. My guess is that the case got delayed for the millionth time and she’s just been too bummed out to write. I hope she’ll write soon enough, though, and let me know what the hell’s going on.

FRIDAY, APRIL 10, 2009 What a pisser! This is the second time in less than a month that the LiveMocha has been so slow that it affects both sight and sound. Not a cool thing at all for someone who can only get enough peace to study at night. Anyway, I’m now 34% through Italian 102 with a score of 89%.

Last night the dogs started to bark and just when I was wondering if I was going to be compensated for not having to hear it during the daytime, they stopped. Hope they woke Jesse up, though!

Although there were a few more than I’d like, today’s barking sprees were mild. I think, however, that as soon as the weather clears up and I’m up during the daytime, they’ll go right back to barking excessively. Just one more month, though, then we’ll get the automatic debarker.

Puerco has a thing for jumping out of the tube and onto the Coke can box that I gave him to play with which he eventually managed to crush, and an acute fondness for Double Fudge Jelly Bellies. Yeah, I decided to get another bag of those, since I figured out that it was those parmesan breadsticks that messed up my stomach a while back and not the Jelly Bellies. Then it’s back to the hardcore dieting and lots of hunger!

As for what dreams I remember, let’s see… I was bragging to the Drama Queen about how I’ve gone from a 38C to a 34C. Then I was flirting with some woman while trying to get another one to take “no” for an answer.

THURSDAY, APRIL 9, 2009 The last two days have been virtually barkless partly due to the cold and rain, but no doubt mostly due to my being on nights. You know that as soon as I’m up all day or most of it, they’ll be right back to their shit.

This cold is not what I think of when I think of California in April!

I’m currently 27% through Italian 102 with an 89% accuracy rate. I’m starting to put sentences together. The grammar’s still tough, but I’ve decided that if all I ever do is just get to know the vocabulary and be able to understand what I read/hear, and get my point across when speaking, poor grammar or not, that’ll be enough for me since I’d never use any other language like I use Spanish. I don’t listen to Italian songs, TV, or read many Italian web pages. I don’t know anyone I may need to converse with in Italian either, so just getting pretty damn familiar with the language will be enough for me. I am doing this mostly for fun, after all, though it’d certainly help if we ever made it to Italy which is looking more and more unlikely. Tom, however, says it’ll get better in time, reminding me that I didn’t learn Spanish grammar in just a month.

My upper arms measured a whole foot around! And so I decided to do something about that too, and now they’re shrinking. I sit on the floor with my back towards our platform bed, reach back and grip the edge of the platform, then lift myself up and down while keeping my legs outstretched in front of me.

I didn’t think losing weight would be this exciting to me since I’ve lost weight before and have actually spent most of my life on the thin side, yet I can feel my eyes sting with tears of exhilaration at knowing that WebMD’s getting ready to tell me I’m healthy within the next few months! Woo-hoo! A healthy weight for my height is 100-125. I’m now 128.

I feel like there’s something else I’m forgetting to say, but can’t think of it. Just that I’m sick of nothing happening. No jobs, no wins, no nothing.

TUESDAY, APRIL 7, 2009 Just a quickie to say that I slept all day so I never heard any barking. Tom said they only barked once that he knows of, but with the air cleaner turned up high, he can’t say they weren’t noisy other times.

I was wrong in assuming the rains wouldn’t be back till September or October cuz it sure did rain today! It’s cold again too, which sucks. The heat hadn’t been coming on till 3am - 5am, but it’ll be on any second and it’s not even 10pm yet.

Let’s see, what else? I dreamt Tom said it would save us $34 each per year if we dumped our free email accounts, and so we set up some other one. I wanted to be crazy65, but since it was taken I chose unique65.

Of course I had to have motel dreams, too. In this one, a woman around my age was checking into the adjacent room with an older woman she referred to as her mother, and the housekeeper left all kinds of cleaning supplies in our bathroom which I had to step around in order to get to the toilet.

Yay, Vermont for legalizing gay marriage! Hope the control freaks don’t come in and take it away.

MONDAY, APRIL 6, 2009 Jesse’s proven to be like most people and has shown us that he doesn’t give a shit about us or anyone else around here. The dogs were going off ever since I got up at 11:00 till around 6:00 which is when he gets in.

Tom said there’s a chance he just may not have had time to set things up so they can be on the other side of the house since this is the first time I brought that up, so they can have shade, shelter and whatever else they need. I think this is highly unlikely. I think just the fact that he’s already been formally complained about once yet is continuing to let them bark uncontrollably says a lot about just what kind of a selfish prick he truly is.

Tom also pointed out that construction is erratic enough so that he may not be gone so long the next time around when there’s a new construction job that may be closer to home. But either way, the fucking things are obviously going to bark whenever he is out, and that will still be enough of the time. If he were out just two hours a day it’d be too much with the way these things bark! And I doubt the heat will quiet them down much either.

I said I wished whoever complained would complain again, but the more I think about it, the more I doubt all the complaints in the world would do any good. First of all, people usually don’t take well to complaints and just end up going out of their way to be even more of a nuisance. Secondly, all he has to do is explain to a judge that due to how long he works, he can’t keep them indoors and so there’s nothing he can do about it. I mean, what could the judge do at that point? Make him get rid of them? I don’t think that could happen in the case of barking as opposed to abuse or neglect.

Sometimes I think the only way to escape the neighbor curse that’s been on me since 1992 is to just throw our shit in storage, buy an old RV like what we had when we went to Oregon, and just live in that. We’d be even more cramped for space, I wouldn’t get much sleep, and I’d have to run outdoors no matter what the weather, but it would be all ours and moveable, too! So whenever bad news came in wherever we were set up like at some park or something, we could just up and move to another park. But old RVs are much more expensive than they were years ago. We’re totally stuck here indefinitely. All we could maybe do was go from bad to worse by getting an apartment. I suppose most would say that the cons to an RV would far outweigh the cons here, which right now is only the barking, but I’m just so fed up with having to listen to this shit everywhere we go!

We switched my laptop, but not the Mac, back to Vista from XP. For some reason, the radio and my MP3s were skipping like old records. So now I’m back in Vista where I updated my Rhapsody account. I don’t have a premium account yet, but if I can find a decent recorder for Vista, I may not bother upgrading.

The language learning site was having tech troubles last night, so I didn’t get very far there. At least I learned the months and the days of the week!

There are probably other things I could mention, but I’m kinda busy right now, so I’ll just say that I hope to sleep as late as I can tomorrow. Less barking to have to deal with that way.

SUNDAY, APRIL 5, 2009 And so today my dad turned 78. Will he make it to the 80s? Yeah, I think he will.

And also today, I woke up at 128 pounds, so that’s now a total of 19 pounds I’ve lost. At the rate I’ve been going, which is in slow motion at an average of one pound per month, I probably won’t hit my goal of 110 till the end of next year.

Today was dead quiet. I mean absolutely dead quiet. Do I think it was a coincidence? Yeah, probably. But tomorrow will tell for sure, assuming Jesse’s working. Because it was so quiet I went ahead with the first lesson in Unit 4’s Italian 102. So I’m 7% through that course with a 98% accuracy. I learned the months today!

Anyway, we’ll both be sleeping when the barking is usually at its worst, but they still bark enough in the afternoons to tell us if he gave enough of a shit enough to do something about them, not by how often or how long they bark, but by where it’s coming from.

I thought he was out with them in the truck all day since he didn’t come down to weed. Yet he must be there cuz I swear I saw movement along the deck up there around 5:00. Like one of the dogs scurrying by or something. It’s strange that he didn’t take off anywhere on the motorcycle, though he could’ve come and gone in the truck with the dogs.

Although Tom would certainly never say this, it’s almost like he’s trying to make me feel guilty for complaining. He’s just been so quiet ever since I called Jesse yesterday. Either way, I’m not at all feeling guilty. One can only put themselves out so much because one may be paranoid or another one may be sensitive. We did it his way and it didn’t do any good. Asking not to have to hear 6-12 hours of barking most days is not much to ask for. I feel my complaint was perfectly reasonable. I can’t make Jesse do anything about it, but I now know that I at least tried. I’m sorry I’m not like Tom who doesn’t mind all the barking since it’s what he grew up with being from the West and all that, but it was tremendously annoying and distracting for me as I’m sure most would agree. Yet it bothers me that he makes me feel, even if it’s not intentional, that Jesse’s feelings are more important than my own, but like I said, we all have our limits and the excessive barking was just way too much for me to continue to just sit back and take it. I had to try something. Chances are the barking will be back soon enough if it doesn’t start all over again tomorrow, but like I said, now we can know we did all we could do, short of getting the automatic debarker. Then the next step will be to decide whether or not to move, if and when we have the money.

I just wish someone else would help me out here and complain as well. Then maybe he’ll either get rid of them, find some other place to keep them when he’s out, or do something.

Tom’s feet are swollen again and hurting. My teeth still hurt too, but not as bad now that I’ve begun killing the gingivitis. My ear has been doing better overall which is nice, but I sure wish we could get out of this rut we’ve been stuck in since November. I just wish something would happen. A job, his program finally working out, a big enough win – anything!

SATURDAY, APRIL 4, 2009 Here’s something hilarious. Tom and I were laughing up a storm playing around with it. It’s a site called Babel Fish that lets you put in a small amount of text and translate it from and to various languages. It’s not perfect, but enough to get the point across. What’s funny about it is the way it screws things up when you revert it back to English.

Now here’s something that’s not at all hilarious. The barking was so bad today that I finally got fed up enough to leave a message on Jesse’s machine, asking that he move the dogs behind the house.

Before I had said this was worse than Oregon. Well, scratch that. This is getting worse than Phoenix, and Phoenix was horrible! They’re not just barking for long periods of time, they’re barking dozens of times a day lately.

Starting from the beginning. I got up right as he was leaving on the motorcycle at 10:00, and dealt with the barking till he came back a couple of hours later only to roar right back out again (I swear the guy is never home anymore!). This was when the barking became a real nightmare and it still is even though it’s after dark.

Again Tom insisted he could hear another dog off in the distance, so I stepped outside to listen and could just ever so faintly make it out. I doubt I’d have noticed it had he not pointed it out, it’s that far away. I didn’t think it was nearly close enough to stir them up, and he insisted that yeah, it was since dogs hear better. They did seem to repeat after it somewhat, but regardless of what’s stirring them up, I’m sick of this shit! Just sick of it! Yet there’s no way we can afford to move, this curse would only follow us, and Tom’s now saying that the debarker will only help to keep them from barking for no reason. Oh, so you mean it’s going to be worthless as long as they have this dog to give them a reason? Gee, that’s a thrilling thing to know! I swear I’ve had such a “bipolar” life the last few days! Bummed out two days ago, uppity yesterday, pissed today. I thought I’d at least have the weekends to look forward to, but the fucking guy’s been gone every single day of the week, all day long. Every fucking day now we have to deal with 6-12 hours of barking!

Okay, the motorcycle just returned just now at 8:30.

I would really be surprised if no one else complained on him. I really would. The fact that he’s already been complained on once is discouraging too, as it shows he hasn’t learned his lesson about being considerate of others, and simply doesn’t give a shit. I wonder who complained on him and if they’re still here. I’m guessing it’s the people behind him. I’m also guessing this may be a part of why he can’t keep tenants here very easily.

I asked Tom if he thinks the dog that’s stirring them up is new or what, and he thinks it’s new. He also said he heard gunfire off in the distance.

At least I’ll have known that once we get the debarker, and I’m only willing to try it cuz it has a money-back guarantee, we’ll have done everything we could possibly do on our part. If the debarker and my messages don’t do any good, then nothing will. Of course, a part of me wishes we’d never said anything and just gone up and killed them, even if he’d only replace them with other dogs. At this point, he’s either going to work with us or tell us to move if it bothers us that much. And soon there’ll be a third dog to have to deal with, and God only knows how many more after that. Either way, I just wish he’d get his ass down here to do the bulldozing so we can at least get that much out of the way. But when you’re never home, how can you find the time?

FRIDAY, APRIL 3, 2009 Today was much better than yesterday for several reasons! The only annoyance was the dogs. Yeah, they went off later than usual, no doubt because I didn’t get up till 10:00. They’re not quite getting the hang of the whistle thing yet, but it’s supposed to take two weeks. They do get it somewhat. I just wish I didn’t have to whistle at them 5 times in two hours! That’s why having the automatic debarker will be so much better. It’ll work for us when we’re not available or in the mood to deal with it ourselves. But we probably won’t be able to get that till May. It’s supposed to condition a dog not to bark continuously, but what about many times a day? A dozen 2-minute barking sprees can be just as annoying and disruptive as a continuous 10-minute barking spree.

Tom still insists there’s another dog further up that stirs them up, but I’ve never heard it. He sometimes says “That’s not them barking right now,” yet it really is. He’s just fooled by the distance. Meaning that when they’re toward the back of the house and the barking isn’t as loud down here, he thinks it’s other dogs, but it’s just further away. A third dog is possible, though, as dogs hear better than people, and every single goddamn person that lives here has a dog except for us.

It’s Friday night (almost) so Jesse will probably be at some bar getting blitzed and so I’ll keep the sound machines on so I don’t have to deal with that, too.

When I logged into Kiwibox today, A girl named Katie said she read my journal and agrees that gingivitis sucks. Then she went on to tell me that her dad owns his own preventive dentistry business and that she was able to take care of all her mouth problems without having to go to the dentist. She said I should check out his website for this special toothpaste and tell him his daughter Katie sent me…she could sure use the boost with him, she added.

So I went and checked the site out along with Tom. Yup, it looks promising. They have a lot of neat stuff, plus you can even make your own toothpaste. If I still need dentures in the long run so be it, but the thought of “regrowing” my teeth back which are riddled with holes from all the cavities I have, seems pretty amazing. I guess it’s based on the same philosophy as in how broken bones heal. Calcium build-up is what fills the holes in. They say that even receded gums can grow back.

In another message, she said she uses the Restore toothpaste a few times a day which we’ll probably get. I told her it’d be a couple of weeks, but that we’d probably get that and a Waterpik too, which they seem pretty big on. For $40 we could get one that hooks to the shower that we could both use. Meanwhile, I went back to an electric toothbrush and will keep using both mouthwashes. The one for fluoride and the one for bacteria.

Yay, Iowa, for being the first Midwestern state to end the legal discrimination of gays so that they too, can marry!

And yay for the rent being paid and having a full fridge! Walmart now allows for money orders up to a grand, so we paid Jesse in full with one money order today and left it in the box. Right now he should be home, close to getting home, or already home and now back out getting tipsy.

Lastly, yay for a couple of small wins and a forgotten 6-pack of Arrowhead spring water. Yeah, Tom said that when he was getting into the car after throwing the groceries in back, he saw that someone had left it on the bottom of a cart so he grabbed it.

The small wins are two $25 Kmart GCs, so we’ll get to go on a little shopping spree soon!

THURSDAY, APRIL 2, 2009 Today turned out to be a shitty day. First, though, Mike said I could spill the beans at the end of the week on something I was doing here. I was one of the ones testing out the points for offers thing they’re starting up. I was awarded most of my points instantly and it was really cool to see my points just jump up in an instant. A few have yet to award me, but they said it can take up to a few weeks. As I told Mike, I hope to see more free offers soon for those of us that are broke. Once we have a little extra money I’m definitely going to sign up for eMusic! Maybe even Netflix, too. It’s something I’ll be looking forward to and will check out regularly.

Ok, so on with my shitty day. Vision problems, ear problems, cavities, gingivitis – what’s next? Cancer? Heart problems? Diabetes?

My gums were actually a little better when I got up. About a week or two ago I noticed a funny feeling in my mouth. It was an overall kind of feeling, like how your mouth feels when you first get up. Tom noticed I had bad breath, though he wrote it off as whatever I was eating. Then I started getting this burning feeling, sort of like you do when you have a cut, all along my lower I-teeth. So like I said yesterday, I started using his mouthwash on top of my own cuz it kills bacteria and germs that mine, which is a fluoride treatment, doesn’t really do. It’s gotten a little better, though, I’m not able to eat as much. Yeah, it makes a great diet. You ought to try it sometime. rolls eyes My gums have clearly receded and I have a nasty case of gingivitis.

I’ve finally decided enough is enough! Yeah, I’d have preferred to wait till he got a job with insurance and then see a dentist, but even if he got a job with insurance today, I’d have to wait 3-6 months for it to kick in and I’m simply out of time. I’m pissed at God for allowing this to happen to me and for ignoring my many, many prayers to just wait and let it hold out till I could get to a dentist. But now I have to go to some scummy free clinic with a bunch of just-as-scummy druggies, welfare bums, and who knows what else, and wait all day with a bunch of wild, screaming kids. I’ll have the iPod, but it still really sucks. It really does. Tom’s going to call there Monday and see what needs to be done to get in. Hopefully, it won’t take months! I swear I’m going to end up pulling them myself if they tell us they’re booked up for months! I don’t know that they necessarily do appointments, though. I would’ve thought they’d do walk-ins. Tom just assured me I won’t have to wait for months. Good, I don’t have months! These teeth have GOT to go and I need dentures. That’s another thing I worry about with free clinics. Do they just pull bad teeth and expect people not to have any teeth to eat with? A liquid diet would get the rest of my weight off nicely, but I’d rather work it off the hard way, thank you. Yet Tom says that free clinics do take care of the needs of those without insurance. I always thought those were for those on welfare or disability, but Tom said it’s for anyone who’s low-income (and two people living on $300 a week is certainly low-income) and who’s uninsured.

Again, I’m pissed at the timing, and so I’m hoping it’ll actually save us money in the long run. All those co-payments would’ve really added up, had I had insurance. It’s just that the doctors would’ve been better and I wouldn’t have had to wait all day long. The dentists I used to see in Arizona got me in practically as soon as I walked in the door.

As anxious as I am to get this shit dealt with once and for all since it’s been a problem now for 5 years and is quickly getting worse, I worry that it will be replaced with something new. I swear it always works that way for me. Taking care of one problem means going right into another one.

In the meantime, the check wasn’t at the mail place today, and once again, I know it’s not unusual for it to be a day late, but until the rent’s paid and the refrigerator’s full, I won’t rest easy.

Let’s see, what else went wrong today? Well, I had some email nightmares I had to deal with, but Tom helped get me out of that jam. I regularly change passwords on all accounts that I use regularly. When I went to change my Yahoo account PW, it kept telling me it was invalid. I sent a message to customer service. This was yesterday. When I got up today I couldn’t log in no matter what I tried. When Tom finally got me in there was a message there from Yahoo saying that others had experienced the same problem and that they had reset my PW. I was like, you reset my PW and then you magically expected me to get into my box to get the new PW??? Damn fools! Isn’t that a lot like locking your keys in your car?

I’m not done yet. I got a free sample of Cream of Wheat. I poured it into a bowl, poured hot water into it from the dispenser, grabbed a spoon, and then there was the spider in the middle of it all! Yuck! It was apparently on the spoon that I grabbed from the dish rack. So no Cream of Wheat for me today.

The dog whistle also came today, but it’s too soon to say whether or not it will work. It’ll probably take a couple of weeks to work like the automatic one we want to get when we have more money says it takes. It’s not something that keeps dogs from barking altogether, but something that stops them from barking excessively. Also, Jesse definitely worked today and I’m pretty sure he did end up working yesterday, too. And we more than likely slept through the worst of it since we both got up between 7:30 and 9:00 the last two days, which is fine with me cuz they’re definitely way worse in the early mornings.

Today it was quiet until he went to get the mail around 11:00. When they went off I stepped outside and ordered them to settle down. They did. Then they went off in the early afternoon. Tom used the whistle, but because it was the first time, it took a while for them to settle down. Then they went off again shortly afterward while I was listening to music. Tom said it was another dog that stirred them up that time. He said they ignored it for a while and then decided to join in with the barking. I don’t know how long it took to settle them down that time because I didn’t come out from under the headphones till the end of that fit. Then they started up right before 6:00, which I would think would be close to when Jesse gets in, and I stopped them fairly fast. I matched the length of their barks. So if they barked several times, I blew steadily on the whistle. If they gave a quick bark, I gave a quick blow. By 6:00 we didn’t need to “blow them off” anymore.

It’s funny to think that his dogs are in training, in a sense, and he doesn’t even know it, even if it sucks that the responsibility has to fall on us since he doesn’t give a shit.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 1, 2009 An earthquake was reported west of Sacramento. We didn’t feel anything here, east of Sacramento, I’m pleased to say.

The rains are pretty much done till next September or October, though we are going to have a few more rainy days this week.

Yesterday I did a huge cleaning and rearranging job around here. I decided to only display half my Barbie collection at a time to make dusting easier on me. So now they’re all in just two places with a few exceptions. I’ve got most of them lined up along the sill in the big kitchen window.

I’m not going to resume the Italian until I’m staying up later when there’s less likely to be any distractions.

Legacy.com is a free obituary site that someone on OLS was talking about. Interestingly enough, the 3 grandparents I knew were all born in 1909 and they all died in their mid-70s. And I have an uncle and a close family friend who died at 72. It seems most of my family, and those who were like family, don’t make it past 75. But my folks just barely made it past the mid-70 marker, and I feel they’ll make it into the 80s.

Even cousins Boo and Max didn’t make it to the 80s. When I read that funeral services were held in Cali for Max, I wondered if one of their kids lives out here. Sure enough, Rhoda’s been all over this state, according to my research. I wonder why no one ever told me. Then again, we’re virtual strangers who rarely saw each other and wouldn’t recognize each other if our paths crossed.

As suspected, Andy’s father did die. That was back in ‘04.

I was a little surprised not to find the Borrellis who may be around 80-85 now. They could still be alive, but if they are, where are they? They’re not in Massachusetts or Florida and I can’t imagine where else they could possibly be.

Tom killed some more weeds around the place, and there were only a few scatterings of barks. Nothing to indicate that Jesse worked today, although if he didn’t, it’s strange that I never heard the motorcycle and that he didn’t bulldoze down here. Construction is like that where you don’t work consistently, so I wouldn’t assume that he’s been laid off again.

My gums were irritating me in a certain spot so Tom suggested I use his mouthwash since his is for germs and mine’s for cavities, and I’ve been using a non-electric toothbrush which doesn’t clean as well. So I used his and it was like rinsing my mouth with acid! Ah, but it really did relieve the soreness.

[spicyclover]

We Shouldn't, but it feels so good

Summary: When should we have stopped, Ralph?

Hope you’ll enjoy it. Let me know in the comment section.

Thank you! :)

Lots of love, xxx Spicy Clover

*Preview*

The vibrant atmosphere of the Hollywood party buzzed with energy as guests mingled and laughter filled the air. Among the sea of faces, Y/n, a vibrant young woman, stood out like a ray of sunshine. Her curvy figure, accentuated by her tight-fitting dress, turned heads wherever she went. As an extrovert with a playful spirit, she had hoped to enjoy the night, but fate had something else in store for her. 

Y/n strolled through the lavish villa, admiring the luxurious decor, when she found herself alone in one of the grand rooms. She decided to grab a drink at the bar, hoping to mingle with other guests. Little did she know, this decision would lead to an encounter that would leave her both flustered and intrigued. 

As she waited for her cocktail, a man approached her, his eyes fixed on her with an intensity that made her slightly uncomfortable. He was tall and lean, with a confident smile that bordered on arrogance. Y/n's instincts told her this encounter might not be as pleasant as she had hoped. 

"Hey there, beautiful," he said, his voice smooth and laced with a hint of charm. "Are you here alone? I don't think I've seen you around before." 

Y/n, being the friendly soul she was, offered a polite smile, but her unease grew. "Yes, I am. I just arrived, actually. It's a lovely party, isn't it?" She tried to keep the conversation light, hoping to deter any unwanted advances. 

Unperturbed, the man leaned closer, his gaze lingering on her curves. "It's even better now that I've met you. I'm Jake. How about you and I find a quieter spot to get to know each other better?" 

Y/n's heart sank. This was exactly the kind of situation she dreaded. She was an extrovert, but she valued her personal space and disliked pushy strangers. "Oh, that's very kind of you, Jake, but I'm afraid I'm not interested." She glanced around, hoping to spot a familiar face. 

Jake's smile faltered, but only for a moment. "Well, I'm about to change your mind."

For the next hour, Jake refused to take the hint, insisting on keeping her company. He bombarded her with questions, his persistence bordering on harassment. Y/n, growing increasingly desperate, decided to take a bold step. 

"You know, I have a boyfriend," she said, her eyes scanning the room. They landed on a familiar face—Ralph Macchio, the renowned actor known for his iconic "The Karate Kid" movie from the eighties. His brown hair, now speckled with hints of gray, and youthful Italian features stood out in the crowd. 

"Boyfriend, huh? I don't see him around. Is he here tonight?" His tone was skeptical, and he showed no signs of backing down. 

"Of course, he's here," Y/n said, feeling a twinge of frustration. She had hoped to avoid this, but now she found herself caught in a web of her own making. "He's just... running late." 

"What's his name?" Fuck, right, he needs a name, the fake boyfriend. 

"Ralph"

"Ralph, what?"

"Ralph Macchio." 

"What does it look like?"

"Huh, hum, he's Italian. He's tall, with brown hair and eyes," she continued, her voice gaining confidence as she described Ralph. "He's incredibly funny and loving, with a heart as big as the ocean. We've been together for a while now." As she spoke, she noticed the woman sitting next to them at the bar giggling to herself.

Jake, however, remained unconvinced. "That's quite a description. But I still don't see him here. Are you sure you're not just making him up?" 

Just then, the woman at the bar waved over Ralph, and he came to her. His eyes met Y/n's, and a silent understanding passed between them. The woman, now standing at his side, whispered in his ear. Y/n wasn't able to tell what she said and she turned her attention back to Jake who did not give up the case yet. She tried to move from the bar when suddenly.

"Hey, there you are, my love," Ralph said, his voice warm and filled with affection as he approached Y/n. He placed his hand gently on her hip, pulling her close, and Y/n felt a jolt of surprise at the unexpected touch.

"I'm so sorry I'm late," Ralph continued, his breath tickling Y/n'ears. His lips placed a kiss on her temple. "I got held up with the producers. You know how it is." 

Y/n, caught off guard by this sudden turn of events, played along. "It's okay, darling. I. understand." She smiled, her heart racing as she felt the warmth of Ralph's body against hers. 

Jake, however, was not convinced. "So you are the famous Ralph." The sarcasm of his voice did not hide. 

"Yes." He took her drink in his hand and sipped it. "And you are?" 

Jake presented himself, his arrogance giving the ick. "It is quite odd that you come like a knight in shining armour. I don't believe it. The act. If he's your boyfriend, prove it." His demand hung in the air, an unwelcome challenge.

Y/n's cheeks flushed with embarrassment. She had never imagined herself in such a situation. "I'm not going to kiss him to stroke your ego," she said, her voice firm. "We don't need to prove anything to you." 

Jake did not believe her and grabbed the girl's arm firmly. He tried to pull her away from Ralph, but Ralph didn't let go. His hands left her hips to go around her waist and kept her against him. His other hand gripped Jake's wrist to make him let go. 

"That's enough. She's not interested and is taken. Now beat it!" Ralph stood in front of her, his body forming a barrier. The altercation formed a commotion. People gathered around them, and Jake felt the social pressure to make a scene. 

"You're a cunt!. You've been seducing me since you arrived, and you can't please me. You fucking slut. She's a f*cking cheater, man, a f*cking gold digger. You cunt." His fingers pointed at them. Tears rose in her eyes as she felt the judgmental looks of others at the party. 

Ralph, sensing her discomfort, leaned towards her. His thumbs cleared the few tears that came out. His warm hands around her face made her blush and brought her comfort at the same time. He searched her eyes, looking for permission. 

Ralph's lips met hers in a gentle yet passionate kiss. It was a kiss that took her by surprise, a kiss that ignited a fire within her. She responded instinctively, her hands resting on his waist, pulling him closer. 

The kiss lasted for what felt like an eternity, but in reality, it was only a few minutes. Jake, finally realizing he was intruding, backed away, a mixture of defeat and embarrassment on his face. 

As Ralph pulled away, Y/n's heart was pounding. She felt a rush of emotions - gratitude, excitement, and a hint of guilt for involving Raloh in her little charade. "Thank you," she whispered, her eyes locking with his. "I didn't know what else to do." 

*Preview*

...

The story continues on my Wattpad account

Wattpad:

https://www.wattpad.com/user/SpicyClover_

Story:

https://www.wattpad.com/1501828860-ralph-macchio-imagines-one-shot-we-shouldn%27t-but

[aigeneratedromancenovel]

05/28/2024

One week ago today, I sat on the floor by the bathroom with my then-boyfriend and discussed at length a timeline for the future we ostensibly wanted together. Three days later, he sat on my porch—sunglassed eyes in the bright morning sun, the kind that fogs the air—and said he no longer enjoyed his time with me.

I have watched the Ring camera footage of this moment countless times since.

The Ring camera came with the house—the house I convinced my parents to buy in Central New York so that we would have a safety net for his pending divorce. At first it didn’t work—the camera. Something about the wiring. I figured it was for the best—I’m prone to paranoia and could picture myself checking the live feed at odd hours of the night and ultimately convince myself of some unseen threat lurking in the pixelated silhouettes of the street. Then one day, a delivery person rang the doorbell, startling me off of my then-boyfriend’s lap, wondering if it had come from whatever show was playing on a ridiculously widescreen television I had purchased with his teenage son in mind. And when it started working, I’d find myself replaying captures of large insects or dogs passing just within its sensors, images I’d watch and assign arbitrary meaning to. Large white dogs mean rain. Spiders also mean rain. Everything means rain—it’s Spring in Central New York.

I met him a year and half ago. I’d been enlisted by a close friend to check Tinder for her situationship. When the mission was over, I still had most of the week’s subscription remaining. He was 17 years older than me and I couldn’t really tell from his photos the state of his hairline. I wasn’t even sure our first date would happen—it was hastily planned when I made it known I would be out of town for two weeks. A small Italian restaurant equidistant from our homes—mine, at the time, was with my histrionic roommate who never liked him but for the wrong reasons.

This is the same restaurant I’d cry in front of about seven months later when I discovered he was still talking to the ex he had assured me multiple times had been blocked.

This is not to be confused with the time I cried in front of a grocery store while repeatedly bashing my wrists into the console of his car when, days shy of our one-year anniversary, he revealed to me he went on dating apps when we fought to self-soothe. The bruises I'd given myself lasted a week; I could understand the impulse to self-destruct.

I am not telling a true story. I am telling you the story that you’re going to hear regardless of how honest I am about what a fucking bitch I can be.

Because the facts of the story are as follows: for the past year and a half I have devoted myself wholly to a married man whose divorce was always, always pending, whose anger was infectious, whose remorse, in its desperation, felt the closest I think one can get to love.

Because the facts of the story are as follows: in the words of the only other man to have dumped me (weird flex)—the man whose fiction was so bad it jump-started my own interest in writing just to spite him—I am unrealistic in my expectations of monogamy.

I learned what quickened his heart, what tensed his jaw. And I'd reach to cruelty for life support. And reach, and reach, and …

The evening before our first date, he called me, and we talked for over four hours. This would be a defining feature of the early stages of the relationship. I knew immediately the type of girl he wanted me to be, and I thought there was nothing more I loved than a list. But there was—I loved being his. I was, at one point, so good at it. We both played our roles so good. I got cocky.

I am not telling a true story because I still write out of spite. I am not telling a true story because I would do anything for him to look at me like he did that first night at the restaurant when I caught his gaze through the front door. I couldn’t tell what it was then. I still don’t know what it is now.

The morning he left I learned the lawn mower I had purchased was too weak to do the job, a job I’d left for far too late in the season, so late I’m still expecting a code violation in my mailbox. My friend said to return it. To buy the model that would do the job.

I don’t want a different one, I just want this one to work.

[cyrusstarchaser]

thoughts on mint chocolate chip?

Girl sit down I got a LOT of thoughts on this one

Ok first of all: Good mint choco chip fucking RULES. But unfortunately BAD mint choco chip is kinda the worst. I think more then a lot of other flavors mint chip gets a bad rap because of this. Also I should make it 100% clear when I say mint I mean spearmint/the green one - 'peppermint mocha' is a Starbucks ploy to sell more coffee to white girls, it's gross and we all know it.

Aside from making sure it's the right kind of mint, you HAVE to make sure there is a good choco/mint ratio. Now personally I go with 2 parts choco to 1 part mint. Mint can be WILDLY overbearing but it really just needs to complement the choco. If the ice cream is entirely green with only one or 2 specs of chips then it damn well better be the best pure mint flavor in the world cause that sure as hell isn't mint CHOCO. Also get the fuck outta here with your white mint choco ice cream Breyers you look ridicules.

Personally the gold standard for me when it comes to mint choco is Andes Candies - anytime someone tells me they don't like mint choco I ask if they've tried Andes. And on that note - since I am in my Twilight Years (late 30) and I cried like a bitch at that article about people having 'their' recipes printed on their gravestones, I have decided to share my cookie recipe that is so good my college friends refereed to them as 'crackies'. Thank god this was before Breaking Bad aired otherwise they would probably be Methies instead or some stupid nonsense like that. ANYWAY, MY BELOVED RECIPE

Crackie Dough

1 cup butter flavored Crisco (shut up)

3/4 cup white sugar

3/4 brown sugar (arguments have been made over light or dark but I say it depends on the ships you are using)

2 eggs

2 tsp Mexican Vanilla

2 tsp baking soda

2 tsp salt

2 and 1/4 cup flour

Preheat over to 350, creme the butter and sugar together til it's like wet sand, then add eggs and mix til smooth. Toss in the vanilla, baking soda and salt, then start slowly adding the flour. At this point it is time to add chips and extracts. Now my general rule of thumb here is about 2 cups of chips and about a tablespoon of extract. You can get kinda crazy with this step but here are my family's favs:

2 cups butterscotch chips and 1 TBS rum extract

2 cups dark choco chips and 1 TBS orange extract

2 cups dark choco chips and 2 TBS espresso extract

2 cups blueberries and 1 tsp lavender extract (not beginner friendly let me warn you about that one right now, this takes some tweaking cause they berries are FUCKING WET and lavender is super strong)

I'm currently working out the kinks to a peanut butter choco cookie because I HATE using the Reese chips. I'm thinking of maybe adding peanut flour and then choco chips - I'll get back to you on this one)

AND FINALLY THE STAR OF THE SHOW, MY GO-TO, MY OLD RELIABLE -

I tell you right now you toss a bag of this into that dough and people will be beating down your door to get to them. I've had issues getting these in the past, so sometimes I will just dice up the candies themselves if I can find it or I use dark choco chips and add creme de menthe to the dough.

Also while I got you on the line mint choco Italian creme sodas are really super fucking good too. Anyone who says mint choco sucks is a Hater

[starvette]

T 28/90 || K5 (yes, I'm still Kitavan)

Woke up doing better but now I had to know if eating my carby Italian veggie mix would make me feel normal. Maybe I was just severely lacking carbohydrates. Ate that and it did help somewhat. But now I was too full to go exercise anyway and the time window was running out at four AM. I pedaled to night store while blasting World Class Sinner in my budget earbuds. Suddenly had a weird pang for that song. It's real bad but also catchy. They made it cringy intentionally, right? I'm not entirely sure, just like with the show.

I got two hundred grams of dates and two ripe discount bananas. The cashier lady finally spoke to me! I've been convinced for years now that she hates me, but no, just a bad case of RBF. It was a strange relief. The plan was to eat half of each and then see how I feel and dance it off. Well, I ate everything. This experience taught me that I can't have dates as my preworkout because that was eight fucking hundred calories. And they actually taste like fucking caramels. It's too much to bear. And, surprise surprise, I got madly bloated and as for dancing - I could only do a two step for the most part. Sometimes I just don't want to dance and no power on Earth can change it. In fact, I should be dancing right now but I had to get this off my chest. Oh, and what did I get for my four days of actually pretty good kitavaning? Two gigantic zits on my chin, that's what. I'll go take a hot bath. I've been putting it off. P.S. Suffering deathly farts right now. They actually smell like mercaptan.

The plan for tonight is the following: I have very few calories left for today after those pesky dates but I will blow them on, most likely, a banana and that gluten free flapjack. I saw a new one, blueberry flavored. Will see if that gets me energized enough for running without first bloating for three hours.

Before my bath, I raved in the bedroom for about twenty five minutes until I started feeling real funny and hyper, then got pale and sweaty. That must have been a sugar crash? I had to stop raving and medicate with some surprise frozen cherries I'd forgotten in the freezer.

I'm back! I decided to trust the air vents and light breeze outside and slept a godly nine hours, until ten in the evening. Mom had surprised me with irresistible fresh sour cherries. I still felt a little bloated from my date binge but nothing like before. It was difficult but I had to admit to myself that I already feel pretty capable of running and cannot in good conscience binge on flapjacks tonight. I ate two hundred grams of cherries and black tea instead as a preworkout and read Outlive while they kicked in. Oh god. The tea made me nauseous. It's been an hour and a half. If this continues for much longer I will miss my narrow running window again. I don't even feel energized from the caffeine. Just sluggish and slightly bloated as ever. It feels like there's a water balloon in my gut.

I still can't straighten out my arms. It's actually really annoying. I will run now.