#I am losing my mind 24/7 the craft is tearing me apart

[autumn-outside-the-postoffice]

oh yeah so my writing process is basically *sounds of metal clanking and screeching, accompanied by intermittent human screaming*

hope this helps!

[suffering-with-fiery]

Rune translations and Bottom theories (I did my best!) (: It's long! I mean REALLY REALLY REALLY LONG!!!! You've been warned. (Potential TWs below the cut) yeah Hyoga doesn't have a good time here.

I should probably start calling Hyoga "Hyouga" instead since I'm pretty sure it's spelled with a 'U'... but I probably won't. Apologies.

Bottom English translation by Tackmyn Y! (I can't speak Japanese, again, apologies, though I was able to make my own version of Autophagy)

Potential TWs (I dont want to harm anyone by going on this rant): Autophagy (medical terms), nightmares, demons tormenting a guy, Hyoga being unhealthy in more ways than one, mentions of death/murder, self esteem issues, mentions of destructive behavior, manipulation, violence.

Yeah, my boy Hyoga ain't having a good time in this theory.

I feel the need to clarify that this is all speculation. So uh. Everything here is just what I've been thinking about since I hopped into this rabbit hole.

Sinfan (I'm not sure what order they go in, it's quite hard to tell):

["Death"

"I"

"Revive"

"Spirit"

"I"

"Something with shape"]

I'm not fully sure what "something with shape" means, but there's a possibility that Sinfan could be referring to Hyoga, (a doll/wax figure) or maybe that Sinfan needs something with a shape to be able to exist. Sinfan could need a vessel to stay on the mortal plain and go undetected while staying alive.

Sinfan needs a vessel. And with that thought, it launches into indecipherable theory crafting.

Hyoga summoned Sinfan when he was 12 years old. Thinking he found a vessel, he called upon Pabometh, another grey demon, to help torment Hyoga so the two could get their wish.

Hyoga, at the time, is young, dumb and susceptible to manipulation, meaning it could be easy for Sinfan to grasp the situation with an iron grip which follows Hyoga into adulthood.

"Revival" could also be referring to "Rebirth," symbolized by a butterfly. It could also mean that Sinfan/Pabo has the powers to revive people. Maybe as a last resort if they need it.

In Hiiragi Kirai's album trailer on Youtube, Hyoga shows up in a scene with 'D' and 'B' in calligraphy on each cheek. They could mean "Death" and "Birth" respectively.

Lines from Autophagy:

"I just wants a peaceful life." Likely means Hyoga wants the demons gone so he can live how he wants to. (Who wouldn't?)

"The voice inside my head? Huh... how odd." Also implies that the demons are still with him.

"My body pulses, memories from my past bringing pain." Means that in Autophagy, Hyoga remembers his past, but it hurts him.

""You can't avoid it in life, so it's best to just deal with it." You say, but you dont seem bothered." Is most likely Sinfan talking to Hyoga. It could also mean that Hyoga can't avoid the demons, so he should just deal with it.

"I can't stop now, so pretend nothing happened!" Could be Hyoga trying to ignore the demons, or maybe he did something he shouldn't have. (Always knew those were prison tattoos...)

"I want to wash my skull out! I want to say bye bye! But yet I didn't do it..." Could mean that the demons are still with him in Autophagy and likely still tormenting him.

"I won't stop, I can't look back." Might mean Hyoga is trying to move on, but with the demons still in his head, he can't, so the "Let me forget!" after the instrument solo might be him wishing that he never remembered in the first place and trying to get the demons to take them away again.

"Just stay away from me!" Could be Hyoga distancing himself from everyone he knows, or trying to get the demons to go away.

"Hello! HAHAHAHA Hello! HAHAHAHAHA!" Might be Hyoga as he slowly loses his remaining sanity due to constant tormenting and pressure from the demons.

"A A A A- 'Allo/Allow/Arrow" could all imply different things, so I'll give a short on all of them.

"'Allo!" Is just an abbreviation of "Hello."

"Arrow!" -According to a quick google search- is a common symbolism for peace and philosophical ideas, and used for protection and hunting. It could mean that Hyoga just wants peace and quiet, which is enforced by "I just want a peaceful life." in the beginning.

"Allow!" Could mean that the demons are trying even harder to bend him to their will and take him over as a vessel. They want Hyoga to allow them to posses him so they can do whatever they please.

Pabo only has 2 that I can see:

["Nightmare"

"Save (?)ime"]

It might be "time" but I couldn't make out the rune symbol there.

"Nightmare" hardens my thought that Bottom is just a massive nightmare set up by the demons to torment Hyoga, that the song is sung from the perspective of one of the demons (likely Pabo), and that Young Hyoga(tm) in the video is Pabometh playing the part of his repressed/forgotten memories.

This is all assuming the song is, infact, sung by the demons.

Lines from Bottom:

"You're keeping me alive! Today, today, you're killing me!" Could go both ways (Pabo/Sinfan and Hyoga) For Pabo it could just be another variation of the next line I'm about to talk about.

For Hyoga it could mean that he wouldn't be able to function if he didn't have the demons (Sinfan might posses him to make him fit in so nobody notices, keep him from dying from mortal wounds, and he's lived with them so long he might not know what to do without them), but with them he's slowly tearing himself apart from the inside out due to their constant tormenting. Metaphorically or literally is anyone's guess at the moment.

"Autophagy" (his songs name) is a medical term for "self eat" which normally happens when your body is starved, so it eats it's own cells to survive as long as it can. It can also correlate to certain diseases. Autophagy in these terms might also be referring to emotions. It's possible he's been stewing in any sort of negative emotions to cause such effects. (I.E: Guilt, fear, self worth issues,) which could make his resolve weaker, making it easier for Pabo and Sinfan to torment him/possess him. The longer it goes on, the closer he could be to self destructing.

"A wax figure/a doll is keeping me alive/killing me." Is more related to the demons in my eyes. "Wax figure/a doll" is likely referring to Hyoga. Hyoga could be their only tie to the mortal realm, (Sinfan being more prominent because he was summoned first, and by Hyoga himself.)

It could also mean that they need to inhabit his mind/body in order to survive and make it easier to torment Hyoga. If they both are in Hyoga's mind 24/7 while he suffers from nightmares (which cause lack of sleep, keeping his body in a perpetually weak state), no self worth, and a fragile mental state ("I wanna keep you out of my fragile mind!") while he tears himself apart, it would mean it would be harder to stay with him without something happening.

Due to that, it's likely that the very thing keeping them alive and in the mortal realm is also killing them at the same time.

It may be worth mentioning that a line in Bottom is "You think you're a god to me?" while 9lore translated Rinen's (Möbius') tattoo on his chest, which reads "Be still and know that I am god." It could a a coincidence, but I thought I'd mention it just in case (:

Throughout the entire song the demons are mocking and belittling Hyoga. (I.E: "Defying all logic, you're nothing but evil." "You're so stupid! You scumbag, scumbag, scumbag!") Most of the angry rant type of thing happens when Young Hyoga (tm) is on-screen. (It could be a tactic to make Hyoga not want to remember/manipulate his memories/tear down his resolve even more/or just plain upset him.)

"I mean, who, who, who are you?" It's been made clear that for the longest time (according to WOOMA) Hyoga didn't even remember his own name. "Who are you?" might be Pabo trying to get into Hyoga's head and make him question his own sanity.

"What the hell are you to me?" Implies that Pabo also want Hyoga to question why Pabo is here. Sinfan was summoned by Hyoga, but Pabometh was likely summoned by Sinfan to help tear down Hyoga. That means the two don't have much history, and Hyoga most likely doesn't know why Pabo is here for awhile.

It's "you to me" instead of "me to you" so Pabo could also be trying to get Hyoga to try and notice him in a positive way so that the nightmares stop. I'll expand on that some more a few (a lot) of paragraphs down.

"Inside my heart is- such a rage! Such a rage! So I'll grab you, grasp you, and crush you flat!" Is a line I find interesting. It also leads directing into another line; "The symptom of the unforgettable emotion is my burning intent to murder, which is absolutely right." Pabo would likely be talking about Hyoga, which implies that if he could, Pabo would murder Hyoga himself, but since the "wax figure" is needed to keep both him and his accomplice, Sinfan, alive, he can't.

It also implies that Pabo is extremely angry with Hyoga, for a reason I can't particularly pinpoint, except maybe for the fact that Hyoga's becoming more and more unstable and not safe for Pabo and Sinfan. The only problem is, it's Pabo and Sinfans fault he's like that. They're the ones that chose Hyoga as a vessel while simultaneously destroying him.

However, it's possible that Pabo's aim was to devoid Hyoga of anything and everything, (I.E: memories, emotions, etc. etc.) so that he was just that: a vessel. But with Hyoga being so destructive to himself, the whole plan could have gone awry and Pabo's only thought was how furious he was at Hyoga for messing up his chance to be in the mortal realm undetected for good, meaning he wishes he could destroy Hyoga and just get it over with so him and Sinfan could wait until someone else summoned them so they could take advantage of that.

""How deplorable you are! How deplorable you are!"" Is a line that has a chance of Hyoga himself having said it due to it having quotes on it. It also implies that he he could be fighting back, so his resolve might not crushed completely. However, a show of strength like that would likely just enrage Pabometh even more than he already is. It also doesn't help the positive impression he wants Pabo to have of him.

"You're involving yourself with me again like a clingy, clingy neighbor!" Sounds like Pabo, again, insulting Hyoga. If we go off of another part of this fever dream I've cooked up, (Hyoga not knowing what to do without the demons, but with them destroying himself), sounds like Pabo doesn't want to be with Hyoga anymore, going as far as hating him so much he's festering in it.

The "again" makes it sound like Hyoga's tried to communicate with them more than once, being unsuccessful each time. Hyoga could be trying to latch onto them, either to take them down with him or trying to get the nightmares to stop. Like I said, for a while Hyoga could have been trying to get positive attention and make Pabo like him.

"The low-end is going to manipulate me." Could be Pabo addressing that he knows what Hyoga was trying to do and calling him out for it.

"Brimming with momentary anger, rot away quickly, quickly, quickly!" Again, Pabo is talking about his burning hatred for Hyoga.

"I'm always losing! How, how dare you!" Implies that even with all the nightmares and torment, Hyoga has just enough willpower to keep Pabo from getting his wish, angering him even more.

And finally, a line from Autophagy:

"Oh, rise seeds of evil, bursting with malice!" Might be Hyoga finally giving into the demons and becoming their vessel if they take away his painful memories and stop hurting him.

Pentagram:

["-r Guide(A) N(?)E A(?)R"

"The ability to know wh-"

"Grant me the power to be strong in spirit-"

"Grant me the wisdom to understand-"]

With it over Pabo, it's possible that this was the one that summoned Pabo instead of Sinfan, although with it also under Hyoga, it could be Sinfan's. Who knows, it might also be boths.

In the ending scene with the pentagram, the colors of the other songs are visible, meaning that it's possible all of them are connected.

(I could go on for hours about the small loopholes that I think mean all the songs are connected in specific ways. Either way I know they're all from the same universe.)

With all their colors on it, it might mean they all have a demon of their own.

I'm still working slightly on the pentagram, I'll probably keep ya updated if I can find out what the rest of it says (:

If anyone can find the full version (preferably readable) of the pentagram, that'd be lovely (if it even exists)

(If you find more runes in "Bottom" or another Hiiragi song I'd be happy to see if I can translate it (: I'm not very good though, and I can't speak Japanese-)

English translation of Bottom used by: Tackmyn Y (I don't know where you are but you're a lifesaver)

Find any spelling errors, let me know! I'll see if I can fix 'em (:

If you read this far, what're you doing??

Have an absolutely amazing day!!! <3

[occasionalfics]

worth my while // p. 8

main masterlist | thor masterlist | ko-fi | p. 7 | p. 9

Summary: After being banished from his home, Thor Odinson has stopped at nothing to prove himself worthy of his throne, title, and power.

After losing the love of your life, you turned to a power you didn’t understand.You know you shouldn’t get involved.

But how could you not?

Pairing: Thor x Reader (Hercules au…kind of…)

A/N: So the yelling has already started but...it’s only gonna get worse before it gets better ;)

(Y’all know me though - I can’t not end on a happy note. So stay tuned.)

Warnings: Violence, lots of angst, borderline abuse and definite manipulation, way too many feels, major character death (eventually). Hades is still a huge creep.

Words: 2,320

“I hate to inform you of this, Oh Wise One,” you say, sardonic irony dripping from every word, “but the God of Thunder is practically perfect in every way.” You pet Cerberus’s head once more, anchoring yourself in enough comfort to stand up to Hades if you have to.

You’re not going further with whatever he has planned. You will not hurt Thor, not even for your own freedom.

You love him. More than yourself. More than life. More than freedom. Admittance the hardest part, despite how easy it is to act on the knowledge you have.

Hades seems unfazed. He sits and stares at you, then shrugs. “Sounds like that’s a you problem,” he says. “No flaw, no freedom.”

At that, your face drops. How could you have possibly thought you’d be able to get around Hades like this?

“I am disappointed, of course.” He comes around the coffee table, stands over you, and crosses his arms. “I asked you do to something-”

“You definitely didn’t ask-”

“And, time and time again, you’ve come back empty handed. Not really getting my powers’ worth out of our deal.”

“That sounds like a you problem.” You don’t even miss a beat. Your eyebrows lower, and the glare you shoot at him would otherwise be enough to kill.

Despite his reputation, despite the myths and the interpretations, Hades has never gotten really, truly angry with you. He’s never shown pure rage. Frustration, sure. Disappointment - it’s in his navy eyes now. But he saves anger for those beyond the mansion.

Still, you’ve learned that there are deeper ways to cut, more dangerous emotions to feel and show than to rage.

When Hades stays calm and collected, your skin crawls. When he chuckles, you slink back against the couch.

“I’ve made bad deals before,” he says. “You’re not the first. And I know how to deal with servants like you, (Y/N). Now, I don’t want to have to go there.” He shrugs. “But you seem to think you’re playing my hand for me.”

All you can do is stare. Your Cerberus whines for you, but your hand has stilled on his head.

“I’d say I’m giving you one more chance, but you don’t have much of a choice.” At least he acknowledges it. “This time, you do things my way.”

--

The airy, cloudy restraints on your ankles, wrists, and around your mouth should not be so stable. They are, but they don’t look like they should be unbreakable.

They taste like death - or what you imagine death to taste like. They taste like Rick did after you brought him back. They remind you of every mistake you’ve made since you watched Rick storm out of your apartment and into the street - every moment you’ve decided to do something unnatural or abhorrent that’s led you to this.

Hades doesn’t have to carry you. His magic does that for him - another dark, swirling cloud beneath you that smells like the end of the world. You stopped struggling ten minutes ago, because you know that this is always where you were meant to end up. From the moment that you agreed to whatever Hades wanted for the sake of Rick, you stepped onto a path that only continued in one winding direction.

Apocalypse comes to mind. Hades has never called it that, but you know now, and it’s fitting.

He wants to raise the dead.

The Avengers guard the living.

He separates them, gets his Four Horsemen to occupy and imprison them a few at a time, raises the dead, and controls the guardians of the living all in one fell swoop.

But first, he brings you as an offering to the God of Thunder. Thor is the only Avenger that Hades has no manner to successfully hold. He’s too strong, too good, too determined to prove himself worthy of returning home. He’ll agree to anything that might deem him as such.

Hades seems to think that includes bargaining for you.

One tear slips out of your left eye as Hades steps out onto the field behind Avengers’ Compound. You haven’t been here before; you and Thor have only ever spent time in the tower, in Manhattan.

This place is massive. You can’t appreciate it right now, but you can tell it was crafted specifically with someone like Thor in mind - someone who, in theory, should be able to travel inter-dimensionally with the assistance of his hammer. This is where Hades has lured Thor with a whole slew of monsters. This is where he gets the God of Thunder alone, does whatever it is he wants to him, and leaves you to clean up the mess you know is coming.

Like clockwork, his massive frame falls from the sky. You can feel the ground shake, despite being cloaked for the moment and despite not even touching the ground.

Hades stops in his tracks. He leans back, crosses his arms, and chuckles pretentiously. “If it isn’t the Mighty Thor,” he says.

Thor stands tall. His long hair looks freshly washed, despite absolutely having fought monsters no less than forty minutes ago.

In any other circumstance, you’d run right to Thor. You crave his arms around you, want nothing more than to say what’s inside to him, to have him repeat it back. You want to prove yourself worthy enough of Asgard, to go with him and never look back at this forsaken place, this planet that took your heart and sold it to the highest bidder.

Speaking of, Hades holds out a hand and introduces himself. Thor just stares, brows furrowed. You know he can’t see you, but you try to mumble around the cloud in your mouth. He, apparently, cannot hear you, either.

Hades can, though. He glares at you over his shoulder, a warning in his navy depths.

You slink back, a sob caught in your throat. This is all too much. You hate yourself for ever getting into this; you hate Rick for dying; you hate Hades for taking advantage of your broken heart; you even, for just a second, hate Thor for attempting to put it back together.

But that just restarts the whole cycle, and you know it’s not fair to hold that against Thor. Not when you kept going back to him because it felt good and right and all manner of shiny, magical descriptors.

You look up at the sky and pray - you hope Odin can hear you, wherever he is, hope he has telekinesis and that it can work at such a distance between Midgard and Asgard and that he’s listening to some random mortal because you pray for Thor. You beg Odin to bring him home, to save his son, to protect the only person who’s even attempted to restore your faith in humanity.

He’s not even human. The irony sinks in as just one more tear falls from your right eye.

“I’ve got something you may want to consider,” you hear Hades say. He snaps, and suddenly a veil you hadn’t even been aware of lifts. The world is brighter - harsher - and you squint as the cloud your on brings you out from behind Hades.

Thor lunches for you, but he phases right through you.

“I wouldn’t try that, friend,” Hades says. “You want the girl? You give me your strength for 24 hours - let’s say the next 24 hours.”

Thor must hear it all. He gets up slowly, watches you carefully, then drags his eyes to Hades. “If I agree,” he says, voice a dangerous growl from low in his chest, “if I give you my strength, you have to swear no harm will come to her.”

Hades glances back at you, this time with a hint of dramatic teasing alight in his eyes. “Of course,” he says. He thrusts his hand out further toward Thor. “Not a single hair out of place.”

Thor’s nostrils flare. The lines etched in his face make him look much older than you’re used to. Much more aggressive. Lightning fits this man.

“I don’t really have all day,” Hades says. “You either want her, or you don’t.”

You hate the way he says that. Like he can convince you both, with just one sentence, that you either mean nothing or everything to Thor.

You know better. He’s an Avenger for a reason. You are just one human - one measly little girl he’s spent too much time with, invested too much emotion in. He’s a hero because he always puts the people first.

Except...for when he doesn’t, apparently.

“Fine,” he nearly whispers.

Your breath hitches when you watch his hand stretch out toward Hades’. You shake your head, hope he sees, but his fingers move in and around Hades’, and suddenly he’s on his knees, groaning as the strength within him is pulled from his essence.

Your throat is raw as you yell around the cloud, shaking your head. You know that Thor is more than his strength. Mjölnir knows it, too. But without it, you know he can’t go up against a hoard of zombies. Without his strength, Mjölnir could easily rip his arm from its socket before he could even think of joining the fight.

When the job is done, Thor falls back onto his heels. He kneels and breathes deeply, and Hades snaps.

The clouds fall away from you. You fall forward, your hands catching you at the last second, wrists exploding with jolts of pain after having been bound together for so long.

More sobs spill from between your lips.

You could’ve stopped this. Except, no, that’s not true.

But you could have prevented it.

“Oh, and isn’t she just...the best little actress?” Hades asks. His fingers grip your chin and pull you up so you kneel at his side.

There’s no fight left in you. You don’t even try to pull away.

Thor breathes heavily as he asks, “What?” His eyes dart to you - those electric blues sending static shocks all over your face as he glares.

“She didn’t tell you?” Hades asks. He tsks, shakes his head, looks down at you like the disappointment you are.

You can feel something inside of you is about to break. No, not just break - shatter.

“This whole time, your little friend here, has been working for me.” The smile Hades shoots at Thor churns your stomach, makes you want the grass around you to swallow you whole so you don’t have to see the look of absolute heartbreak on Thor’s face.

A dull peal of thunder rings, but it’s far off. The day is, otherwise, sunny. Annoyingly so.

You pull your face from Hades’ grip and try to scoot closer to Thor, but he leans back. It’s a subtle shift, but it’s all he can manage and all you need to know that he does not want you close. Not like you so desperately need to be.

“I-I tried to stop him-” you offer, but it comes out pathetic and defeated. “I couldn’t tell-”

He shakes his head. His bottom lip trembles, but you’re sure you’re the only one that sees it.

You can’t force yourself to keep eye contact with him as deserved and heated shame fills you. The thing - your heart - inside does, in fact, shatter. Into a million and a half pieces, now littering the field beyond the compound.

“I’m so sorry,” you whisper, folding in on yourself.

--

At first, Thor doesn’t let you help him up. But after a while, when his brain finally recognizes that his mass is too heavy for his ability, he lets you touch him. He pulls on you as lightly as he can, but you end up doing most of the work anyway. Somehow, you manage to get him standing.

The second he’s stable, he pulls away from you. You watch him slowly trudge back to the main compound building - or what you think is the main building, anyway. You still don’t get a good look at the grounds, but if you stray too far from Thor, you’ll never get to explain yourself.

At least you’re free, now. You know you are simply by feeling.

There was a weight before that no longer presses on the knot between your shoulder blades. It evaporated with the clouds that bound you.

But your freedom has come at the cost of every other living soul on the planet. And even you know that that is not a fair trade.

“Why did you do it?” you ask Thor. The only other sounds are occasional birds and the rustling of grass as the wind blows and the two of you walk.

“Why did you?” he asks, brows still lowered as he looks at you.

Silence reigns. You know your answer - you were drawn to him, you made rules to keep you both safe, and then you systematically broke each of those rules until you were so far deep in love with Thor that the only thing you could do was put his journey first.

The thought that he’d done the same for you should make you feel happy. Weightless. Loved.

But knowing what Hades will do because of that choice drowns out any semblance of positivity.

He continues through the compound - doesn’t stop at a bedroom, doesn’t find the kitchen to even attempt to replenish his energy. Thor just keeps going. And you follow him.

When he reaches the main doors of the building, you jog to step around him. “Where’re you going?” you ask.

“I have to find the others,” he says.

You shake your head. “You’re weak now,” you tell him.

The fire in his eyes is not the kind of fire you like. It’s not meant to make you feel wanted and secure. It burns you, just like he wants it to.

“If you go out there, you’ll die.”

He pushes around you and says, “There are worse things.”

[nhlhoser]

On The Rocks- 7

PART 6 MASTER LIST

I thought I had dreamt everything when I woke up the next morning an empty bed but his side still warm. Rolling over my eyes open ever so slightly I spot a note on the side table with the sunglasses on top. Grabbing the glasses and sitting up to read the note.

Amelia,

 I Had to head home before practice.

Get better soon.

Text Will and I when you get back to where ever you live, 

so we know you're alive.

- Your favorite leaf (Auston)

Setting down the paper, I check the time the digital clock displaying that it's 6:30 am, Laying back I am unable to fall back asleep deciding to it's time to get up I heave my sore body up and out of bed into the bathroom to start the day.

Leaving the hotel into the cold streets I hail a cab and head back to reality also know as my apartment that I share with two roommates. I don't even like my roommates they steal my stuff all the time and general annoyances they are opposite of me. The only reason I stay is that of the fact it's my apartment I own it. Feeling a bit grumpy now thinking about the peace I and minus a couple things this weekend I hope they did something so I can kick them out. Wow, I am mean today. Looking back at the hotel I am finding it hard to believe my weekend.

Getting back home I regret wishing for a reason to kick them out because my house is trashed. They had a huge party well I was gone and I am pissed. I am so glad I went out of the way to have legal documents of our rents agreement. Slamming the door shut behind me I'm taking photos of the mess that once was my home. After documenting the damage I'm glad I locked my room before I left on Friday. Heading to Claire's room I open the door startling the drunken mess awake. Her eyes wide at my visible fury.

"72 hours to pack your shit and leave my house or I press charges," I said firmly not giving her time to say anything and I am on to Anna's room across the hall. Banging her door open she's just like Claire started and giving her the same warning.

"Up now! You are cleaning the mess yourself" I said as the two redheads gingerly getting out of their rooms. Scared of what I'll do next.

"Lia is reasonable here" Anna tried to act coy playing down the level damage their party. My temper was gone I snap my head girl and stare at her. My eyes must hold my rage because she backs up but I am past being reasonable.

"This is me being reasonable. I could have said 24 hours but My house thanks to you guys is ruined. You can either clean it now and have your 72 hours or leave now and pay for the cleaning and damages. Just so you know you pay for the damages regardless of your decision." My voice cold and mean. They protest claiming it's illegal for what I am doing. I am about to lose my mind!

"If I recall we have a signed legal document saying I can" Knowing them off their high horse.

All this anger makes my head throb in agony instantly springing tears. Not want to deal with them. "Read your rental agreement and get back to me. I have documented every single piece of damage in this apartment. Now get cleaning" I leave no room for disagreement heading up the stair to my room.

My room untouched and the exact way left it. Dropping my bag, I carefully flop on my bed getting my phone out for only to see that it is dead. Groaning I retrieve my charger from my bag, the bending down hurting my head. After plugging in my phone I lay back and start meditating in hopes of calming down it half works for a minute. As long as i don't go down stairs I should be fine. Rolling over in my bed to check the time.

8:30 am.

It's still early I spent about half hour dealing with my roommates. My weekend was unreal thinking about it makes me giggle and happy again despite my headache and my roommates. Remembering the drinks at Gracie where steps fell asleep on the toilet, spent a day getting to know her too and my little accident that got two NHLers in my bed. Thinking about bed reminds me of the note.

Lurching up right I grab my phone and it's finally on and is swamped with messes from my dad, Steph, and other people. Getting my priorities I text my dad letting know I'm back home and then I text Auston and William.

Home :) - Amelia 

Pressing send and continuing to check my messages I had a couple from Steph asking about my head and not being able to say bye because Mitch had practice and that we'll be going out soon. After shooting her text say I left the hotel at 7 am and back home head sore but good.  

    Later in the day after making so calls to my uncle to consult about the legalities of my rents and getting everything in order and ready in case they so try anything. I book an official cleaning and repair company to come in after Anna and Claire leave.  I have to get my couch replaced because it's trashed. Stressed now about possibly finding new renters because having roommates was a source of money for me. 

"Maybe I could use this to find a better paying job" I mumble to myself. Deciding I will go online and search for Massage therapist careers.   Currently, I'm the athletic trainer on my brother's lacrosse team which only pays 50 a game but I also work at physio office down the street. I will have to adjust my resume.  I could enter in a more athletic field because for women I am pretty strong.

    After using a lot of links, emails and number I have collected from school and co-workers I find a couple that looks good by one catches my eye.

Massage Therapist Wanted

Toronto-based contract 

Travel Required 

Email: Toad.Bean@email.ca  Resume, Certifications and references

Criminal recorded will be asked.

There wasn't a lot of information but I felt the need to at least apply. Carefully crafting a well-mannered email and attaching the required documents after double checking everything before sending it and giving a little fist pump proud of myself and now I can call it a night.

71 hours Anna and Claire are gone and my place is sub par clean. The cleaning and repair on their way within the hour meaning I need to vacate my house for the day. I haven't a little extra done to the now empty bedrooms fresh coat of paint and furnace being deep cleaned.

Getting dressed I try to think of things to do today because I can be here until 8 pm. I'll start with Starbucks and see where my feet take me from there. 

"Warm dress warm," I said looking for a sweater to wear find a brown turtleneck and black jeans. 

Sipping my coffee and texting my dad My phone starts to ring.

"Hey Steph," 

"Hey, girl! Wanna do me a huge favor?" Her tone pleading.

"Depends...."I trail off not sure where she's going with this.

"My lease is almost up on my place and i need to look at Apartments. Can you please come with?" She's begging. I don't have to think hard because I have nothing to do.

"Sure"

"Please, I'll buy drinks- Wait that was easy what the.." She rambles.

"Well, I'm coming to get you now before you change your mind where are you?" 

After giving her my location turns out she pretty close so she's here in a truck in minutes of hanging up. Hoping into the truck it's clear that it is not hers by the scent of man and a little bit of a mess. 

"I stole Mitches truck" She confirmed my mental notes.  

"Okay," I clap rub my hands together and turn to face her. "What are you looking for?" I asked to want to really help her.

"Well I don't need much BUT that doesn't mean I want some hideous Bachelor. I need space and a spare room because Mitch is always bringing people with him when we come over unless you know"  She blushes at the end.

"Ok, I get it" I nodded. Pulling up to the first building its so-Modern. I scrunch my nose. We park and head in to meet the building attendant. It's uppity as fuck. 

Getting into the apartment my eyes widen. It's yellow. I turn to look at Steph she's eyeing the color as well. The extravagantly dressed man showing the apartment starts his sale pitch.

"So" He claps his hands and leads up further into the sun aka the apartment. 

"We have the living space, open concept very open to the kitchen" He points around to the very obvious open floor plan. He continues rambling on and leading Steph around and I'm brought back by "And we that you don't paint any walls" My eyes widen shaking y head.

"Oh Steph, We have to go to that appointment that we're now late to that no here" I grab her wrist and we practically - we do run out of the apartment and back to the truck. Breathing heavy we burst out laughing. 

"It was yellow. please tell me you weren't considering that" I watch her with judgmental eyes. 

"Hell no, I didn't know how to get out" She shook her head at the idea.

It's around 5 pm and we've looked at about 8 places around the city that all sucked. Groaning as enter the truck again both tired of being lead around staged apartments. My stomach grumbles and my feet ache.

"I am hungry" 

"Gurl -" Her answer is interrupted by a call coming through the truck speakers.

"It's Mitch, shhh he doesn't know I have his truck" She answered the call after the second ring.

"Hey babe," She answers gleefully.

"Hey, how's your day been looking at places? Who'd you force to go with you?"Mitch's voice cheerful echoes thru the truck.

"I got Amelia too and it was consensual. She's really good at getting out of the shitty apartments it's like her hidden talent. She even stuffed her sweater so she looked pregnant and faked going into labor to get out of the place!" She laughed at the memory. She continues her conversation as we drive thru Toronto trying to find some place to eat. 

"Well, I have to head to the rink now. I love you I'll see you later tonight when we get back" Mitch's voice has a sadder note. 

"I love you too, Goodluck !" Steph cooed before more goodbyes and they hang up as we arrive at a Denny's in Etobicoke.

"So you're telling me you don't have INSTAGRAM?!!" Steph whisper-yells at the discovery of my lack of social little did she know it's because I am not social at all. We were talking about nothing really but when the subject came up I sheepishly confessed my not having Instagrams or snap chat.

"I'm not social" I tried to shrug off her intense stare. She grabs my phone after making me unlock it. "That is change right now women" her finger flying over the screen of my phone.

"okay, now a name" She sips her ice tea and suddenly grins. Her fingers furiously typing.

"I'm going through your photos hope you don't have nudes" She teased I rolled my eyes and a couple Minutes later she's smiling proudly  handing me my phone

                       @ Mrs.Nobody: :)

"Mrs? I am not married??" I tilt my head in confusion. Steph rolls her eyes 

"Well, you're pretty married to the idea that you're nobody" Her words both serious and playful making my cheek flush. Steph's eyes are serious but kind as she holds eye contact.

It was in this moment I decided to stop shying away from friendship and embrace her friendship which springs an idea that makes me annoyed that I didn't think of this sooner.

"I wish I thought of this sooner. I have a couple rooms that I rent out. I guess what happened with my last roommates made me block it out" I face palm. Steph's eyes spark.

"Are you fucking kidding me right now!! We didn't have to go to all the apartments" She fakes anger.

"What happened with your last roommates?" She opened the large can of crazy of my ex-roommates. Her eyes wide her jaw slacked. I go on about why I was so willing to come out today and what's happening in my apartment as we speak.

"That's crazy" She shakes her head.

I nod my phone rings I don't know the number but i answer because it is a local number.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Can I speak to Amelia Ashton?" A male voice asked.

"Speaking," I said slow Steph looking at me weird.

"Hi, I am Toad Bean. I was just going over your email and like to meet with you and discuss the job further with you and test your skill a little bit. How does that sound?" His voice is kind.

"That sounds great" My face breaking out into a huge grin.

"Great are you free Friday afternoon? 3ish?" 

"I am"

After more discussion, we set a meeting at the Mastercard center. After I hang up I am practically dancing in my seat. 

"I got an interview on Friday!! I might even get the job" I cheered.

"Let's celebrate!" Steph cheered with me. "Let go get some wine and show me your apartment" Steph smiles and we pay and leave to Lcbo.

"I'm sold. I'm moving in right now" Steph said entering my apartment. She does a Cinderella dance around my rustic loft apartment that is freshly cleaned. 

"That T.V. Though!" She plops on the couch across my large T.V. I stand at the Kitchen island opening the wine and pouring it. 

Handling Steph her glass she's tucked into my new couch with the leaf game on. "I watch every single game, " Steph said not looking away from the screen. "I go to as many home games as possible, Reminds me are you going to Saturday's game?" She turns to me.

"I have never been to a game" I state. 

"THE FUCK I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'RE A FAN?" Steph has a crazed look in her eye.

" I am I swear! have never been able to 1. afford it 2. they're always sold out 3. I was busy" I defended myself.

"Understandable but that's changing right now" She starts rapidly texting on her phone.

"There now we wait" 

"For what?"

"For Mitch to read my texts after the game."

"why?"

"Are you slow? So we can get you to Saturday's game!" She cheers.

NEXT

[whatwouldkenziedo-blog1]

(Kenzie’s Blog 7/13/17)

So yesterday I talked about being alone and how awful it felt to be lonely, but how I wasn’t really alone. And yes it’s true, I am not alone, I will always have God. But what do I do whenever I feel alone and know I’m not? 

Lately I’ve been hanging out with this guy named Anthony. He doesn’t know I’m writing this and probably never will. But when I’m with Anthony (this is so lame) time doesn’t matter. The funny thing is, and I actually told Anthony this, that I am extremely anxious when it comes to time. I constantly check the time even when I have no plans. I always want to know the time. But with Anthony time doesn’t even exist. I can just be there and have fun with him and smile at him and look him in his eyes and I don’t even worry about what time it is or if I’m going to be late to my next thing. That’s another thing I want to talk about is GOD I never liked brown eyes until I looked into his. Anthony’s eyes make me feel like I am at home. Like I’m so comfortable it’s actually unbelievable. I don’t know how a boy can make me want to blush at the same time as make me want to cry, but Anthony can. 

I wish he knew how bad I wanted to dance with him. To just slow dance with my arms around his neck and his arms around my waist, as we slowly sway to Iron and Wine. It could be in the middle of rain, I do not care. It could be in the middle of a hurricane, I do not care. And GOD does he know that I would kiss his lips any chance that I would have? Maybe that makes me sound crazy or maybe that makes me sound romantic, but I do not care. His lips come together and form a beautiful smile that I wish I could press against my own smile. I wish he knew how bad I wanted to cuddle next to him and to lay my head on his chest, I wish he knew. I wish I was good enough for Anthony, and I hope with all my heart that he’s good enough for me, even if though we are nothing more.

I ache when I think about losing Anthony. Not because I’m obsessed with him and not because I love him. (I don’t love him. I love who he is.) I ache when I think about losing Anthony because God knows it’s so rare that I find a friend. Especially one that I enjoy spending time with. Especially one that I like more than a friend. 

When I’m with Anthony, nothing is boring. I never know what he’s going to say or do next. I never know with him. He’s so random and so exciting and so surprising that I just am always having fun. I mean we could be in the middle of a funeral and he would probably still make me laugh! I could never be bored with Anthony. 

I feel like a teenage girl when I am with Anthony. I feel my heart racing and my cheeks flushed and I feel butterflies dancing in my stomach. I feel my hands sweat and my knees shake, because I am finally with a boy in person, that I like. And WOW do I feel like a teenage girl when I am with Anthony. I feel so alive and so real and so normal. Like I really am a teenage girl. (Sometimes I forget I am a teenager). It’s the best feeling in the world.

Until I realize nothing will ever happen between me and him. See the thing is that I never mentioned until now is that Anthony is happily in a relationship with someone else. And I could never take that away from him, nor would I want to. Besides I will never reach his standards or expectations, I’m sure of that. So I start to feel the butterflies die, the flushing of the cheeks fade, and my heartbeat slows. My hands don’t sweat, but my knees are even more weak now. I fall into bed as tears flood my face. I know that this is what it’s like to want something you can not have. I know this is what it’s like to be disappointed with yourself and the world. This is what it’s like to be let down. But instead of being let down on a soft mattress or a fluffy cloud, I’m let down on a bed of spikes or a pool of lava. Something that just pains me and rips me apart.

So what do I do when I know I’m not alone, but I feel alone? I find something else. Because my one takeaway from today is, yes people are grand and fantastic and lovely, but we can not rely on people 24/7. There’s just no way. So what do I do when I feel alone? I rely on God. I rely on the word. I rely on prayer. I rely on coping skills and keeping myself occupied. Because that’s all I know. I highly recommend to not constantly rely on people, because it will just lead to heartache and sorrow. Please know that this is not me saying you shouldn’t have friends to rely on or family to rely on, just don’t always rely on humans. Humans aren’t perfect and can’t handle the weight of the world on their shoulders. So today I learned that I can’t put my weight of my world on Anthony’s shoulders, because he just can’t carry it. No one can, but God. 

Kenzie’s DO’S and DON’T’S of DEPRESSION:

DON’T: Don’t rely on people 24/7, they can’t handle it!

DON’T: Don’t be afraid to pray and talk to God. There is no right or wrong way to pray. Say whatever it is weighing on your chest.

DO: Do rely on God. He will always carry the weight of your world on his shoulders with no problem. He will always love you and nurture you.

DO: Do use other coping skills such as writing, singing, swimming, dancing, crafts, cooking, etc. Anything that keeps your mind occupied. Learn multiple coping skills or have a coping skill for each emotion you need to cope with. (ex: cope with anger by working out, cope with depression by writing, cope with anxiety by doing breathing exercises, etc.) 

(Do’s and Don’t’s will be continued tomorrow)

Please don’t make the same mistakes as me. Please do not sign up for heartbreak. Let Jesus mend your heart and nurture your soul. Open up to Christ, Jesus. Open up to unconditional love.

(Song below related to topic)

https://youtu.be/N6WpjKpzU28