#I am he who is and you are she who is not reeeeeeee

[elby-and-a-blog]

another Catherine of siena enjoyer!

christ taking his heart out of his side wound to hand it to st. catherine of siena

in a hagiography of st. catherine of siena, alsace, early 15th c.

source: Paris, BnF, ms. allem. 34, fol. 54r

[lawonderlandwriter]

So here is all that has happened and all that I know and all of my thoughts on this intra-ship-tag war. For anyone who cares to read.

I hadn't written a new fic in a while. Not since Season 8 was airing, so I was not really aware of what was going on until one fic in particular where Jon has an abusive past, started getting negative attention. Most people will know which fic I’m talking about (for the purposes of this post, I’ll refer to it as FIC1). 

I had come across the fic randomly and skimmed it, deciding it seemed interesting and I would read it fully when I had the chance. Then I saw the hate the fic was getting and I read it fully immediately. I thought the fic was incredibly well written and wasn’t in any way a Jon-hate fic. Some parts of the fic I even was a tiny bit uncomfortable for the way it portrayed Dany, but I was too interested to let those parts get to me and I have since kept up with it and plan to read it until it’s conclusion. 

When I saw the hate on FIC1, I posted about it. How I thought the fic didn’t deserve the hate it was getting and how I thought people were casting judgement without really reading it, just commenting based on what they had heard about it and the author. 

This got me some hate but I stood by my fellow author. 

This was when I first heard of the “Discord” group. 

Everything I knew about the discord was hearsay as I am not and have never been involved in it. I heard the discord was all men who stanned Jon Snow and hate-commented on any fic they didn't like and had been policing the tag since basically the S8 finale. As I had seen hate comments on fics with my own eyes, I had no reason to question this. 

Especially when fics began showing up in the tag of Dany getting raped in response to each time FIC1 would update. Comments on those fics were sarcastic and crude and supportive. I have never used A03 as a social media platform so I was not and still am not very familiar with usernames. 

More accusations flew around that those responsible for these fics and fics that plagairised FIC1 stemmed from the Discord. I had no reason to believe otherwise (but I also had no reason to believe it was all Discord people either which I should not have so readily believed).

More fics were posted by authors I read and respect and more hate was flung around. Again, the Discord was blamed, perhaps* wrongly. My prejudice against this supposed discord group grew.

Then I started writing “Queens Always Have the Last Word” (QAHTLW). At first, the response was positive - everyone seemingly hates Sansa. A few complained I wasn’t changing Jon’s general S8 demeanor which annoyed me. I had made it perfectly clear in the tags that the story would focus on Dany - and I had already written a fic for Jon where he was the star and got the last word. This was her turn. 

I did not and still do not consider it a Jon-hate fic or that the fic is an attack on Jon’s character in any way. I kept Jon essentially close to his S8 self but added a bit more to him - additions I thought were positive.

But my fic was somehow labeled “Jon Snow hate.”  

Some people in comments on my and other fics have said something about S8 fics being “serious” fics, hence why I guess my QAHTLW was labeled “Jon hate.”

For one, this to me this seemed an incredibly arbitrary rule and it still seems incredibly arbitrary. That S8 fics HAVE to be “serious”. Why is it just S8 fics?

For those wondering, my understanding of a “serious” fic is a fic that HAS to feature Jon and Dany as being 100% equal to each other and the narrative HAS to treat them as 100% equal and be kind to both of them. 

If a fic is not considered “serious”, it is okay for Jon and Dany to not be 100% equal or treated equal by the narrative - one example of “non-serious” fics in the Jonerys A03 tag were harem fics. 

At least, that’s what I’ve been told by commenters - harem fics are okay to be in the Jonerys tag on A03 (even though they are incredibly unequal in regards of who gets to sleep with who) because apparently “no one takes them seriously.”

This is what I have been told: “No one takes harem fics seriously.”

So, because of this new standard set forth by people who either had been policing the tag, or people trying to explain the motives behind people policing the tag, a line became drawn. 

Those of us who don’t write or read harem fics, we (I, rather, but others likely as well) began to see this line as “Jon Snow stans” and “Daenerys stans”. Because it’s highly unlikely many Dany fans would want to read fics where Jon just gets to smash everyone in ASOIAF.

So then I had a pretty damning encounter with someone in the comments of Chapter 4 of QAHTLW. The hate started off right out the gate:

This comment was a lot of things at once. 1) It cemented for me this weird divide between “Tumblr” (“Tumblrinas” as some call us) writers and “others” (I assumed all the “others” were Discord users). 2) It cemented for me that all the “others” were exclusively Jon fans, due to the accusation here that I don’t care about Jon, and 3) it was the first time I had been told to literally stop writing and leave to community. 

I reacted immediately. The encounter was petty (yes, I was petty too, fully admit it) and went on for several comments. Then my hate commenter responded with this:

I had seen that “reeeeeeee” before. Just a day before actually, here on Tumblr. It wasn't a post of mine, but a response to one of my mutual’s posts. The person who reblogged with the “reeeeeeeee” comment left a nasty note about Dany going crazy - it was clearly a comment meant to be offensive to Dany stans. I reblogged said post and blocked the user who had made the “reeeeee” comment.

So because my hate commenter on A03 used the same language as the Tumblr reblogger, I called him out on it, thinking I knew who he was. We went back and forth on that for another round of comments, and then he sent me this:

1) The user claims he is not the same person from Tumblr, 2) he admits to being in the “Discord” group, 3) He admits the Tumblr user I had blocked posts things from Tumblr to share with the Discord group for the purposes of making fun of us, and 4) he admits to using a “throwaway” account on A03 in order to avoid being banned by the site, should his comments get reported. 

Because of this encounter, I felt I had enough information to pass blanket judgement on the Discord group. To me, because of this person’s comments, the Discord was a place where male Jon Snow fans hung out and talked shit about Dany stans from Tumblr. 

And because this person had said things from Tumblr were shared (and laughed at) on the Discord, and because the very next day I posted a link on my Tumblr to QAHTLW, I felt I had made a connection. 

To me, it seemed like this hate comment stemmed from the Discord and was encouraged because of my reblogging of the Tumblr post. 

These comments on my fic felt like retaliation for something that had happened on Tumblr. 

It felt calculated. It felt systematic. It felt purposeful. It felt really fucking creepy. 

I reported it to A03.

A little while after the encounter, I got a final comment from this person. He had deleted his “throwaway” account and whatever other account he had been using, leaving me this on anon:

While I did think him a jerk for all the things he had said, I can respect this. Thank you whoever you are for realizing you were being a bully. My comments to you were rude as well, I know. 

But he admitted his fault in instigating the argument and said he would stop. So, I can only say, respect. 

Still, though one person had left this “tag policing” behind, it had opened a can of worms. Again, he had admitted to the discord sharing and laughing at shit from Tumblr. And so far as I knew, he only found my fic because of the Discord (may or may not be true, but that’s how it came across to me at the time).  

My view of the Discord was lowered further. 

Then, another "problematic” Jonerys fic was posted. We’ll call this FIC2. 

I didn’t think anything of it, honestly. I really, seriously didn’t. 

It was by an author I love to death so naturally, anything she writes, I excitedly reblog. Which I did. I didn't do so with any kind of snide remark, I wasn’t thinking about the fic’s treatment of Jon (because I didn’t think the fic would treat Jon badly...and it didn’t), I didn’t think about the other characters this fic involved. Nothing. 

I was seriously just fucking reblogging a fic from a friend, and then of course left a generic “loved it, this was hot!” comment on the fic on A03. 

And I got hate for that. Surprise Surprise:

This is two comments from, I’m assuming, two different users. Both were on anon. Once again, we were called “Tumblrinas”.

But a new level to this creepiness was added. 

Someone started using my name on A03 as their anon name. 

(The above comment thread has since been deleted but I screenshot it before the delete because I wanted to report to A03 - using someone else’s name and/or misrepresenting another user is very much in violation of A03s Terms of Service).

So that was the first fic this happened on but this person from FIC2 has since been going on all kinds of Jonerys fics on A03 leaving more comments, calling himself “LAStoryWriterAlex’s Rules and Regulations Enforcer.”

This was on another “problematic” fic (I won’t call it Jon hate because FFS it’s NOT Jon hate!):

Along with leaving a sarcastic remark about how I and my “crew of miscreants” apparently have now made a rule that “you can only leave praise in comments”, this person also called the fic he was commenting on “garbage”. So, rude. 

Then he left this on a RAPE fic:

He did not call the RAPE fic “garbage” and even used “please” and “thank you”.

Because this all seemed to stem from my reblog of FIC2 on Tumblr, I again assumed that this person, my “rules and regulations enforcer,” was from the Discord and had only seen my reblog of FIC2 because someone had snapshotted it and shown it to the Discord. 

I admit, it was wrong of me to assume this. I have no way of knowing if this person is from the Discord or not. But because of my last encounter, and as this was another thing that seemed to start from Tumblr, this is what I assumed. 

Then I posted my Dandry fic, Retrograde. 

You all know what happened with that.

In all honesty, I didn't write this to “piss off the incels”. (I also apologize for calling the entire Discord incels. I now know a few of you and realize this was a mistake). I wrote this fic because the idea came to me, it excited me, and once I started writing, I couldn’t stop. I was having fun with it. I’ve never shipped Dany/Gendry before, but since 8x04, this fic was always an idea in the back of my mind and I himhawed with writing it, mostly because I was busy with other things, but I worked on it. And when I got the first chapter done I posted.

And all hell broke loose. 

At first I had anon commenting enabled, but then disabled it because I just couldn’t fucking take it. It was exhausting. 

I got kind comments, I got neutral comments, I got rude comments, I got people arguing with each other in the comments, and then I got just fucked up comments -

Comments about me, my family, my weight:

In short, my parents should have aborted me brutally, my mother is a dirty whore, I’m cancer (not the zodiac sign I’m guessing), and I’m allegedly fat. 

I admit, the fat one got to me. I’m not fat, never have been overweight. But I do occasionally obsess about my weight, so that one got a reaction from me and I know, I know it shouldn’t have. But I made note anyway, of the fact that all my profiles are linked and there are pics of me in existence online that prove I’m not fat - I wanted to prove I’m not fat. My vanity got the better of me and so invited people to find pictures of me. Which had certain consequences I’ll discuss in a moment. 

I also got fucked up comments about Gendry and Dany - Dany in that apparently she’s a whore, and Gendry because he’s an uneducated bastard. Which, way to go elitist scum. I really don’t feel bad about saying that. These comments are elitist and misogynistic. Really makes me wonder what people would think of Jon if the show hadn’t made him legitimate. Would they all still stan him then? Do they only like him because he was heir to the throne??

Anyway, that as just the first two pages! (There were more supportive comments than not - I think) but there are now 8 pages of comments. So you can only guess what the rest of those 8 pages contain. 

I got all kinds of anons on Tumblr because of this. Some who supported my fic - thank you - and others who spewed the same kind of drivel from A03. I’m a whore, cunt, dumb bitch, awful writer, etc. 

Then, because I had exposed myself and made note of all my profiles being linked (which I had initially done so friendly A03 people could find my Tumblr if they didn’t already connect the two), I started getting anons commenting on, of all things, my fucking forehead, which apparently is larger than normal? Whatever, fuck you, I think I’m adorable, so there. 

I got an anon recently talking about the connection myself and others had made between the Discord and the revenge rape fics.

I agreed with anon in my response, that it was wrong for me to blame the Discord for fics like the beastiality fic in the tag. I pointed out however, that people were not attacking that writer the way they’ve been attacking me and others.

Again, it was wrong of me to assume all people in the Discord were leaving the hate comments. I admit that and I apologize for it. 

But I have proof (above) that at least one of the people policing the tag was from the Discord. And I have since had reason to believe some in the Discord still police the tag and do so quite hatefully. 

I was thinking about this most recent anon a lot since I got it and answered it. And then today when I was cursing the tag...

I came across one of the Modern Targcest fics. 

And I saw red. 

I clicked on the A03 “Collection” and skimmed through. Many of the fics were ones I had already seen/skimmed or read. But looking at the collection as a whole, I got an impression of the tag. 

And yes, I admit, my impression did not apply to all fics. And even the fics it did apply to, I should have never called out. 

I wanted to make a point, and I went about it the wrong way. 

The point I had wanted to make was that all the people policing the tag were hypocrites because these DubCon fics (some are less consensual than others) had relatively low engagement compared to my fic which was 100% consensual.

This still is something that bothers me, honestly, though it is through no fault of the authors of these DubCon fics. 

I just really hate that those fics are left relatively in peace and a fic like mine is not. Do I want those fics to get more hate? No. I just want the hate on mine and others like it to stop.

But I did go about it the wrong way. 

Certain people felt I misrepresented certain fics when I made THIS post. I roped all the fics into one category, and made an assumption about them all and that was wrong. 

Also, some people thought by making this post, I was saying that these authors “like” rape or are real life rape apologists, which was not my intention either. 

I still believe some of these fics are on a rape-spectrum. I’m sorry, that’s just what DubCon is. Not all of these DubCon fics are rapey, but some of them are. 

And it’s fine if that’s what you want to write and read. Really, it is. As I’ve stated, fanfic is a SAFE place for people to explore taboos, like rape and incest. Just because we read and write about it, doesn’t mean we would ever do it in real life. In fic, it’s fine though. 

And I apologize if my post came off as kink-shaming. Not my intention. 

Again, my intention was merely to point out the discrepancy in reaction to these fics because to me, a DubCon fic is more problematic than a cheating fic. My opinion. You may not share my opinion. 

Really my intention here was for people to realize that, if you can turn a blind eye to DubCon (something I find pretty problematic), then you should also be able to spare the same courtesy to other fics, like cheating, cuck, or “Jon Snow hate fics” - (and it’s always someone’s opinion whether or not the fic is truly Jon Snow hate).

If Dany fans can make it through the tag without commenting on some of the more extreme DubCon fics, and through the Harem fics, then Jon Snow fans should be able to make it through the tag without commenting on the cheating and the cuck fics. (and if Jon Snow fans can pass the harem fics and not think anything of them and not hate comment, they should be able to pass by the cuck fics too!!) - cuz I don’t want people to assume I’m accusing all Jon fans of liking those harem fics. Probably many of you don’t. But if you’ve left hate on a cuck fic, but not a harem fic, that’s hypocritical. It really is. 

If you’ve policed the tag and harassed an author for “punishing” Jon in their fic telling the author that they’re not really a Jon fan or not really a Jonerys fan, but you haven’t done the same in a harem (or similar) fic and stuck up for say, Dany, claiming the author isn’t a real Dany/Jonerys fan, you’re a hypocrite. 

Because as I’ve pointed out, Jon and Dany aren’t at all treated the same or equal in those kinds of fics. 

This isn't to say those fics are wrong, or shouldn’t be written, or don’t belong in the tag. It’s just to say if you give them a pass, you must also give a pass to everyone else. 

You can’t just pick and choose which “unequal” Jonerys fics are allowed and which aren’t. 

Which S8 fix-it-fics are allowed and which aren’t.

Which fics are “serious” and which are “non-serious”. (Many of the harem/breeding fics have Jon/Dany as the main pairing!)

Which are written by “real” Jonerys fans and which aren’t.

You don’t get to just make shit up. 

Yes, some Dany stans are angry at Jon and want to punish him in their fics for S8 and make him sit by and watch while Dany hooks up with Daario or resurrected Drogo or Gendry or whoever.

Some Jon stans want Jon to breed Missandei and Sansa while still being married to Dany because they want to make Dany barren in their narrative even though in actual ASOIAF canon, she’s probably not.

It’s called, Deal with it. 

Again, no one here is on the “right” side. No one should be policing the tag. Period. 

Also, side note, no one should be insulting authors looks or using the public photos authors use as a way to harass them. This isn’t only happening to me. If we post photos of our lives, it’s because we want to share with people. It’s not an invitation for you to use that against us. Don’t be fucking creepy. And if you know if someone being fucking creepy, tell them to stop!

[tellywoodtrash]

ebss 12.06.19 lb

excuse me? “aap yahaan?”??? *TU* YAHAAN KYUN HAI? YOU ALREADY DID YOUR INVESTIGATION YEST. why are you sooooooo nosyyyyy???? ppl in this house JUST started liking you.

lmao this chick has zerooooooooooo filter. chalo achcha hai, at least janhvi knows about the files.

but also janhvi's clenched jaw about what a pain kavya has started being.

lmaooooooo, she's ready to cut a bitch.

jhoote thank you se she's covering up her white-hot rage, but bas chale toh kavya ko bhi jhappad laga deti, jaise manohar ko kiya tha.

oh kavya you beautiful little idiot. bless your pure heart but.... lol you are so fucking dumb.

guess who's NOT stupid???? and back on her "i hate kavya" train! kuch dino ke liye chod kya diya tum toh sar pe hi chadh gayi, devrani!

kavya's whole life revolves around giving arush doodh. bachche ko aur bhi kuch khilaati ho ya..........

aaaaaaaaaaah there she is! my little demon! you've been too nice for the past few weeks. i missed you and your bad behaviour!

great. panchaayat baith chuki hai.

btw, petition to keep zain in these tshirts only. they’re infinitely better than the horrible buttonup shirts.

janhvi still formulating plan of action.

noice. she's putting it all on manohar that he was gathering proof about the dr. sharma case.

puraane papi sab hairaan pareshaan at the mention of that. 

some of the young ones too.

gosh she's so good at this; lord give me the ability to scam shitty men like this.

lmao kabir's eyebrows just rose into a whole other layer of the atmosphere hearing about the 51 lakhs she hentofied from papa.

but papa is very much eating up everything she's serving.

kabir's joining the dots....

and has questions.

lmaoooooooo standarddddddd desi parent response. “koi chakkar nahi hai MR. SPECIAL AGENT! APNA DIMAAG MAT CHALAO!”

ofc he's putting it all on ashok. earning a nice death glare from janhvi and ishaani.

arre re reeeeeeee so muchhhhhh pyaar.

i am living for ishaani's face journey as pk tries to convince them about how he's sooooooooo innocent. 

flashhhhhhhback timeeeeeeee!

LOL WHAT? HE CHANGED THE DRUG'S FORMULA???????/ THAT'S NOT HOW PHARMACEUTICALS WORK?!?!?!!? YOU DON'T JUST CHANGE.... I.... LMAOOOOOO WHAT THE HELL

chanda always was team bhaisaab, huh. 

oh suman thought ashok was really behind it all when she attacked baby pooja. and is now having crisis of conscience. whatever. i have very less sympathy for her.

This Fucker™ is just......... being himself.

oh ho suddenly suman and dadaji are all #proteccTheSharmas

but ofc. some heavy threatening about izzat and aukaat and badnaami. god. can this end already?

oh shut uppppppppp dadaji. you think This Fucker™, of all ppl, cares about uparwaale ka insaaf? 

yeah, he’s as concerned about the concept of karma as i thought he’d be.

badle ki bhavna sulag rahi haiiiiiiii.

but some bhaaari on-the-nose framing with kavya standing in front of the oldies. am i supposed to be on this side? um, yeah, no. fuck these morally corrupt assholes. if you knew what’s good for you, you’d gtfo, kavya.

commissioner's finally slept off the drink and taken a look at the file. oh boy.

ugh. this idiot.

ohhhhhhhhhhh boy.

“madam, mard ka wallet uske mann se bhi gehra hota hai.”

lol what you mean SE BHI???? literally anything in the world has more gehraayi than a cishet dude's mann. and yours toh is especially shallow.

UGH. I LITERALLY GET FULL BODY MICHMICHI SHIVERS WHEN HE STARTS WITH HIS ROMANCE. BLEARGH.

oh girl no, don't go completing his poetry. do not fallllll for this basic fuckkkkkkkkk.

god he is so needyyyyyyyyyy.

oh he's finally admitting the location services creepiness.

yes, this is the appropriate response. confusion and rage.

LMAO YOU JUST PROVED THAT YOU'RE UNWORTHY OF ANY FUCKING TRUST WHATSOEVER; WHY THE HELL SHOULD SHE BELIEVE YOU NOW???????????/

ugh fuck offff dude.

thank god at least SOMEONE has sense on what to talk in front of a kid and what not.

behen dikh nahi raha ki yahaan carrom ka world cup chal raha hai? bhai ka concentration toh check karo.

oh god again this admission nonsense.

kid's making a solid case against going. (“school toh mujhe waise bhi pasand nahi.”) but kabir, like majority of desi dads, is deferring to mom in this dept.

just wondering.... do jai and sonali have nothing else to do.... like in life???? what was their plan BEFORE aarush unexpectedly came along to take up all their time???

blah blah blah mission file retrieve karo, which won't happen today anyway.

———————————————————————

ishaani cluing di into some facts that she’s been overlooking the past few days.

oooooooooooop! mummy has been found out hiding the drugs!!!!!!

yup, kavya's in danger again.

[thatcookingfat]

Dizzy, the Early Years

Born as the war was coming to a close, Dizzy is the middle of 3 daughters. Grandad, a proud Lancashire Lad, was away in The Signals, doing his part for the war effort & Nan, Motherwell Matriarch, was a stay at home mum. We joke that if the war had continued there would have been a much bigger family; Grandad returned from leave 3 times, leaving Nan with a ‘Bun in the Oven!’  

Like many veterans, he was reticent to talk about his experience; only choosing to tell us his job was to lay down the communication system before troops moved into an area. Nan didn’t have time to work! When she wasn’t cooking one in the oven and running a house single handed, she was next door, at my great grandparents, helping her parents! Both he and Nan came from large families. I had over 40 great-aunts and uncles, counting their spouses. I may not remember them all, but I do remember the feeling of family closeness and laughter, lots of laughter! On Nan’s side, it was like ‘Mrs Brown’s Boys' on turbo settings and on Granddad’s side, it was less raucous, but an amazing talent of being able to ‘spin a good yarn' with such a dry sense of humour!

Mum talks about her childhood with such warmth and affection, apart from resenting she always got the hand me downs, whilst her 2 sister's got everything new, “Middle Child Syndrome”! Sadly, mum grew up being told, by her teachers, that she was stupid and illiterate! Dyslexia didn’t exist back then! It made her disruptive in school and totally switched off to learning. Her favourite word, apparently, was, “Why?” Back in an era where children were seen and not heard, she and Granddad would regularly be at loggerheads. Mum always the loser, sometimes with a fat lip for her efforts! So it was hardly surprising when she married as soon as she could, in an effort to escape her strict upbringing.

Sadly, mum swapped her authoritative dad for a manipulative wife beater! Not to begin with of course, that controlling side took a short time to develop. In an age where wives stayed at home, mum would be out working full-time to pay his gambling debts. As an added bonus, she would be punished because there wasn’t a hot meal waiting for him, when he got in from work! They also had problems conceiving, another reason for a ‘quick slap'! But sadly, both their bodies were working against them. Mum’s bits produced too many chemicals that would destroy his little swimmers and he couldn’t produce enough little swimmers, and those he did produce needed a sat nav to find their destination! So, although I call him my ‘Sperm Donor’ he wasn’t! I will never know who was! I was conceived in a petri dish in Harley Street, London, at the cost of ��2000 in 1970s prices. A secretive procedure back then, Artificial Insemination by a Donor, I am the result of a quick one of the wrist! All I do know is, as a controversial procedure, donors weren’t exactly queuing up, so it tended to be other medical professionals that donated their services. (Shame I didn’t inherit the clever gene!)  

As I’ve said, it was a secretive procedure and frowned upon as it was creating Frankenstein babies ... now I know why I’m so twisted!! They had to swear, on a bible, that my parentage would never be revealed, although by law I had to be registered with the ‘father unknown' label on my birth certificate ! Erm, hello ... do you not think that might raise suspicion?? And, as my exes would probably agree with, technically I was a Bastard, not a term discussed in polite society back then! So Mum was now baking her own bun and received 9 months of peace from his fists, not his verbal abuse though. He never let her forget it was HER failings that made them do what they did. That man, and I use that term in the biological sense only, was a master of manipulation.  Mum genuinely believed it was all her fault, she was stupid, she was inferior!  

Anyway, this has gotten far too serious, so let’s resume normal service! Mum couldn’t wait for her bump to show. Sadly, we think I’m made of plain, not self-raising flour; as mum was almost 8 months pregnant before it was evident! After almost a decade of trying to conceive, even her mummy tummy was letting her down! Her eldest sister, cooking baby number 7, and younger sister on baby number 2, were the size of buses ... so was mum, only hers was Corgi toy size! Finally, after many hours of labour (the number varies) I came into the world. I’m not saying I was ugly, but they had to slap the midwife! Simply put, I was over baked. I had layers of dead skin caked onto me! But mum thought I was beautiful, thank goodness at least someone did! Her friends would come to visit her in the hospital, sneak a peek and recoil, trying to hide their horror! Eventually, the dead skin came away, and I resembled human form! A thoughtful baby, apparently I always waited until Mum was pulling up the covers to sleep before opening my foghorn lungs! Unable to breast feed, mum would be sitting there bottle feeding me, being told what a failure she was, she couldn’t even feed her down child properly and that maybe it would be better if he just took me away to a better family! It’s a miracle she ever bonded with me!

Looking back through my rose tinted child glasses, they have much thinner lenses than the ones worn today, life seemed idyllic. It seemed to consist of school, where I was labelled a swot, playing out with my friends and Enid Blyton! Despite her fear of the written word, mum instilled a love of books into me. Apparently, when I was a baby I had cloth books for the pram and water proof books for the bath. She was determined I wasn’t going to grow up with her phobia. Unaware at the time, mum had rote learned a ladybird book, “Telling the Time” and would read it to me at bed time. She confidently sat there holding the book and turning the pages at all the right times, “At 7 o’clock we all rise, to stretch, and rub our sleepy eyes.” ...

... ... ... ...

Sorry, had to stop for a minute there, my eyes have started leaking! Wow! Didn’t realise that was such a powerful memory, anyone know a good plumber?  

She was so clever, if I had a different book, she would ask me to read it to her, and I would mimic what I had learned from her. I was totally oblivious to her fear, but more importantly her sheer strength and determination. Not to be outdone, he drummed the times tables into me. He thought because I knew what 12 x 12 was at the age of 4, that he was the victor. But he wasn’t, I LOVED books, and 12 x 12 was just like a poem that you recite over and over again. It had no meaning, whereas I could pick up a newspaper and tell him that Star Trek WAS on, even though he’d said it wasn’t, to get me to bed early! He said I was lying, until I read the blurb in the TV listings! It’s probably the only time I remember getting a ‘good hiding’ from him. Looking back with adult eyes, to him, it was probably the equivalent of mum telling him HE was in the wrong, and I had to be put in my place!

I’m not saying I thought mum was perfect back then, far from it! Mum was strict, NO meant NO and please & thank you came as standard, not an optional extra! We had a 1, 2, 3 rule ... if I didn’t do as I was told by the time she got to 3, my arse knew about it! And I’m not saying I wasn’t defiant either, I soon learned that I could get away with waiting until she got to, “Thhhhhhh,” so long as she didn’t get to the, “Reeeeeeee” part I was ok! And I also learned that if mum said no, a few tears to him, got me what I wanted. I didn’t know that by telling tales like that, mum was given a good hiding, once I was in bed! What a selfish, spoiled brat I was!

At the age of 7, the year of Grease, Olivia Neutron Bomb and John Travolting, we moved to Blackpool! I dreamt of sun, sand and an endless supply of rock! Who knew there were schools and even bad weather? Trust me, beaches soon get boring, you can sicken yourself on rock and Blackpool in the closed season is like the Antarctic! We went into partnership with Mum’s childhood friend and her husband. We ran a 9 bedroomed guest house, 109 Albert Road, aka Durham House. Life was far from the idyllic dream I had imagined!  The men worked a window cleaning round and Mum and her best friend seemed to be constantly in the kitchen cooking, or making beds! A far cry from the luxury bedrooms our guests had, we slept in the cellar! The only natural light came from the glass tiles in the roof, that was often punctuated with the feet of people walking by above, at street level.  

That’s also where I learned that kids could be so cruel. Poor mum saw this only child, spoiled brat being a prize bitch, she didn’t see the slaps, pinches and name calling that can be so devastating to a child’s confidence! The bullying was always at its peak during meal times, as all the grown-ups were busy looking after the guests. I developed, what today would be called a psychosomatic illness, basically I smelt the food cooking and I would throw up! Bring rushed off her feet, mum would make me sit on the back doorstep, throwing up into the outside drain. It sounds gross, but it was my haven, until bedtime! Obviously, being a kid, I saw mum as a graceful swan, cooking a million meals effortlessly, I didn’t see the frantic paddling her feet were doing below the water. The so called best friends were scamming the business and eventually it all went tits up! So he moved back to Coventry first, with the premise of getting a job and finding us a place to live. Mum and I moved in with a friend, so I could see the school year out in Blackpool. Bratty me could only see that I'd ‘lost' the nice parent and had to live in this hellhole with the strict one!  

I was totally unaware that, instead of getting everything ready for our return, he was living with Nan and Granddad, visiting prostitutes and gambling away the little money that was salvaged from the business. So my dream of returning to our privately owned 3 bed semi turned into the nightmare of a 4th floor council flat, no garden, no friends, yeah I was a selfish brat! That flat continued my awakening to how cruel life can be. That’s where I witnessed my mum slide down a wall after a swift punch, it's where I saw my mum finally snap and almost break his shoulder blade with a steak tenderiser and it's where I discovered I was a Bastard!  

Fearful of anything legal or official, mum had stuck to oath she had sworn 9 years ago. She had been mortified when instead of the, ‘Father Unknown’ that should have been on my birth certificate, he had registered my birth alone and naming himself as my legal father. I can still hear her pleas as she begged him ‘not to’ as he uttered the words, ‘I'm not your dad.’ He had an impeccable sense of timing too, it was the same night I discovered my dear great aunt had died! He failed to tell me the full facts, leaving me to assume mum had been unfaithful. I was at the age where sex had something to do with boys having pencils and girls had pencil sharpeners, so simply I thought mum had sharpened someone else’s pencil! Bless her, I bet she never thought she would be having ‘that’ conversation, whilst explaining the science behind it, whilst nursing a dislocated jaw!  

Expecting me to take his side, with his half truth, he was floored at my reaction! I remember feeling so angrily empowered and grown up, telling him, at the age of 8, that he couldn’t tell ME what to do, he wasn’t my Dad! I was then floored, literally at his response, my cheek stung for an age! Oh and by the way, this was Christmas Eve! I suppose my under reaction to Christmas today, has a lot to do with that time! I don’t remember much about that Christmas Day, other than a deathly silence and an atmosphere thicker than the Cabinet Room at No10, after the last election! I do remember Boxing Day though! Mum wasn't there when I woke up, and me and him went to visit my cousin! I thought nothing of it, when he and my cousins went to the pub. I thought it was exciting because Tina, my cousins wife, was teaching me to knit! Kids are so fickle! I was unaware that instead of the pub, they had in fact been at the flat, changing the locks! We returned home later to an empty flat and Mum STILL wasn't home the next day either! He told me she had phoned to say she wasn’t coming back! Like a prat, I believed him!  

I dreaded going back to school, because the first thing we would have to do was write our ‘news'. I remember staring at the blank page, trying to make up some magical story to compete with the other kids! I didn’t want my real news shared! I’m not sure what happened next, but I do remember a tear spreading out on my blank page and being quietly lead away to the Head Mistresses’ office. Waiting patiently in there was MUM!!!! In between my sobs, she explained how she had gone out Boxing Day morning to ask a friend, if mum and I could move in with her, until something better could be organised and on her return, the locks had been changed. Long  story short, the school would not let me leave before home time. I had to then ‘chose’ if I would cross the road to my aunts house and wait for him, or leave through the office and out to Mum, waiting in Grandad’s car! How thoughtful of the school to put such an immense responsibility on an 8 year old child! That day was a blur! I couldn’t wait to leave with mum! We were off on an adventure! Blow you Famous Five, The Terrific Two had their own stories to discover.  

[sakialumei]

I was Taaaged

By the wonderful @sugaredrefrain​ Thanks so much, deary~ <3

Rules: Answer these 92 statements and tag 20 people.

LAST:

1. Drink: Water but I don’t drink much else 2. Phone call: My brother :/ wondering when he’d get home so I could start dinner 3. Text message: My mother when I responded “okay” to her list of chores pfft 4. Song you listened to: Re-Sublimity by KOTOKO 5. Time you cried: MmmmMonday night?

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: Nope. 7. Kissed someone and regretted it: reeeeeeee Yes 8. Been cheated on: nope 9. Lost someone special: Yes 10. Been depressed: Oh yeah. Not all the time, though. but I’ve had rough moments  11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Gotten drunk yes but never thrown up.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12-14: Rose red, ocean blue, and cotton candy blue! 

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: More like a whole family but AIGHT 16. Fallen out of love: Nope. 17. Laughed until you cried:  Oh yes. Thank you Mario Kart. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: Bitches always be talkin’ bout me 19. Met someone who changed you: Definitely 20. Found out who your friends are: oh yes!! 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: nope

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: Most of my FB friends are from high school so like... most. Haha. 23. Do you have any pets: Not at my current apt but my dad’s house has our family dog, Uma! 24. Do you want to change your name: Nope. I’m gonna hyphenate if/when I get married :D 25. What did you do for your last Birthday:  I went to Disneyland and I LOVED IT (not my first time but I love it eeeverytime) 26. What time did you wake up: 11:20 AM ish... not my proudest 27. What were you doing at midnight last night:  working on the campaign, I believe 28. Name something you can’t wait for: I’ll be revealing some big stuff this upcoming Pathfinder session so WEEE  29. When was the last time you saw your mom: two minutes ago when she walked in.   30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: Either my weight or maybe having a cool job haha 31. What are you listening right now: The sound of the freeway outside my apartment 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: My mom’s boss! He’s nice. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: I have way too many games to play most of which are endless RPGs 34. Most visited website: Tumblr and YouTube with Roll20 in second.

RANDOM INFO:

35. Mole/s: mm nope? 36. Mark/s: cheek and hand 37. Childhood dream: Many. Chef, artist, famous writer...  38. Hair color: natural it’s a mid-brown but I recently dyed it a couple of shades of red, other brown, and blond 39. Long or short hair: long! 41. What do you like about yourself: I have a lot of hobbies and I have a lot of talents surrounding them. Knowledge of one helps me with another :D 42. Piercings: two on each ear. 43. Blood type: B+ 44. Nickname: Sofi! Most people call me Sofi. Except my family. It’s a new nickname every day.  45. Relationship status: Single ;w; 46. Zodiac: Libra 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show: ugggh not watching a lot of TV rn. I can always rewatch 30 Rock though. 49. Tattoos: None. 50. Right or left hand: Right 51. Surgery: Does wisdom teeth count?  52. Hair dyed in different color: see above :^P  53. Sport:  nnnnnnnnnnope 55. Vacation: I went to Cancun two years bac. LOVED IT  56. Pair of trainers: uh yes?

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: I made burgers for my family for dinner. 58. Drinking: Juuuust water. 59. I’m about to:  Work on my campaign and then some RPG Maker 61. Waiting for: motivation? 62. Want: To stay motivated holy shit 63. Get married: Yeeee ;w; I def want to get married but I ofc won’t force it and whatnot. 64. Career: Planning on getting a degree in Comp Sci & Math and then I shall go forth into game design :D

WHICH IS BETTER:

65. Hugs or kisses: I haven’t been kissed in so long... I miss it 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes 67. Shorter or taller: taller! 68. Older or younger: older  70. Nice arms or nice stomach: I love arms  71. Sensitive or loud: ???? 72. Hook up or relationship: relationship 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: I... hesitant?? I guess??

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a Stranger:  Nope. 75. Drank hard liquor: yeeeeeeeeeup 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope 77. Turned someone down: Yes 78. Sex on the first date: nope and still a virgin oops 79. Broken someone’s heart: yes. 80. Had your heart broken: don’t think so

81. Been arrested: Nope.

82. Cried when someone died: of course 83. Fallen for a friend: hhmhmkfdjfd yes...... 

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: Well if I won’t, then who will?  85. Miracles: At times 86. Love at first sight: In a way! There’s some science behind it but it’s not soul mates or anything 87. Santa Claus: n. no? 88. Kiss on the first date: ssssssssssssure

OTHER:

90. Current best friend name: *whips out 5 mile long scroll* 91. Eye color: Brown 92. Favorite movie: Midnight in Paris <3

it’s totally optional but I’ll tag all my besties <3

@hardworkin-queerdo @glacialdragon  @your-netlord @scalding-coffee-cup @lady-cici @rapis-razuri @fancy-plans @pt-piranha

[hatsunemikuvevo]

SWITCH THOUGHTS PLS

Haha wow this wound up being pretty long. If anyone who reads all this shit finds something they disagree with by all means, tell me. My opinions aren’t facts, I like hearing other viewpoints.

Well, the launch line up sucks complete ass, but that’s to be expected. I mean when the fuck was the last time something had a GOOD launch lineup? The Dreamcast?  I’ll go over what I think of all the games so far, firstly:

What

the FUCK

is 1, 2, Switch?

Nintendo actually gets everyone’s attention. Positive buzz, for once. And THIS is what they show? And it’s not even a goddamn INCLUDED GAME? It’s not even a GAME! Who the fuck is this for? Even if you look at if from a “I’m a hot young millennial who doesn’t enjoy video games, AKA Nintendo’s current target demographic” perspective, why the FUCK would you spend 350 united states dollarydoos to buy a Switch and this game when you can probably just download all the shit “games” on your phone for free?? What kind of goddamn “selling point” is “you don’t even need to look at the screen :DDD” why WOULD I BUY THAT WHY WOULD ANYONE BUY IT, IT SCREAMS “FREE TECH DEMO WITH THE GAME ALA WII SPORTS” WHY

I keep hearing that Ultra Street Fighter 2 is 40 bucks which is way too much fucking money for Street Fighter 2 with two palette swap characters with a few new moves but hey it’ll almost certainly be better than SFV so there’s that

Fire Emblem Warriors is going to be a goddamn Awakening/Fates fest, including some people from Marth’s game, Roy, Ike, and like, Sigurd or something so they can pretend they give a shit about people who’ve stuck with the franchise. They got fucking weird with some of the Hyrule Warriors picks (I don’t think a single fucking person saw bug girl coming) so maybe I’ll be wrong. Please let me be wrong. Fire Emblem really lends itself to be a musou title please don’t fuck it up PLEASE

Super Mario Odyssey looks good and I’m legitimately excited for it, New Donk City looks fucking WEIRD, seeing “real” humans but I feel like they were going for that? Sandbox Mario games are a safe bet on being great, I ain’t worried. Also Bowser looks fucking great. I like this Bowser.

Splatoon 2 looks like more of what Splatoon was, which is a great thing. The Splat Dualie looks really fun to use even though I’m probably just gonna stick with the roller like the scrub that I am. More customization is great but I might just stick with the twintails, hairwise. I WANNA KNOW WHAT’S UP WITH PUNISHED MARIE THOUGH WHERE IS CALLIE WHERE THE FUCK IS SHE NINTENDO WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY SQUID WIFE IF YOU HURT HER I SWEAR TO FUCKING GOD I-

Shin Megami Tensei: We Showed a Giant, Uncensored Green Cock on a Nintendo Livestream: I don’t like getting hype over games with no gameplay shown, so I’m trying to keep my expecations in check for this mystery SMT game. ANYONE REMEMBER THE LAST TIME NINTENDO TEASED A MYSTERY SMT GAME :DDDDDD REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT :DDDDDDD HAHAHAHAHAHAHA (this new SMT will probably be fine though, I’m totally hype even if I don’t wanna be)

who gives a motherfuck about unmodded skyrim in the year 2017, it’s cool bethesda is supporting nintendo consoles though i guess

Mario Kart 8: Haha You Actually Bought a Wii U Edition has King Boo and that’s literally all I needed but they even added Inklings and a whole fucking Splatoon track so I want it even more now. ALSO IT HAS BATTLE MODE NOW WHICH IS GOOD. (Dry Bones is also cool)

Breath of the Wild: EYEBROWS/10, FISH/10. GERUDO/10, WAIFUS/10, also the game looks like it’s going to be good or something BUT GOING BACK TO ZELDA’S EYEBROWS I REALLY LIKE THEM also it looks like Link is fighting someone from the sheikah tribe at one point the FUCK is up with that WAIFUS ARE GREAT BUT I’M ALSO A LORE SLUT GIVE ME THE DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETS

Super Bomberman R: Konami makes video games? What? Excuse me? Are they finally letting the Bomberman devs out of the Punishment Chamber? Apparently Konami and Nintendo worked together to make it happen. HEY IF YOU GUYS ARE WORKING TOGETHER PUT HIM IN THAT SMASH PORT THAT RUMORED TO HAPPEN BOMBERMAN IS A GOOD BOY HE DESERVES IT

Puyo Puyo Tetris: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH CHRIST YES YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS GIVE IT TO ME NOW SEGA HOLY FUCK I ALREADY PREORDERED IT ENGLISH PUYO PUYO TETRIS

ARMS: Looks like fun, honestly. It seems well thought out, aside from it’s shit logo. Seems like a day one buy to me. Especially since motion controls are optional.

Snipperclips: Looks cute. I doubt it’s a full price game. I’ll pick it up for sure if it’s not, it looks like something Grandmiku might enjoy!

Xenoblade 2: Hello, God? It’s me, Miku. Please tell me that Xenoblade 2 having a PEGI rating and not an ESRB rating means NoE is handling the localization and not the Treehouse, I’d like the game to you know, actually resemble the original a bit and not be full of EPIC OUTDATED MEEMS XDD

OTHER SWITCH THOUGHTS:

Paid online can suck a dick but I’m used to it now I guess. Loaning you a NES/SNES rom a month is a motherfucking joke though, that’s just insulting. Come the fuck on, MICROSOFT gives games out, you can give out a a twenty+ year old game for free each month you greedy assholes

Hurry the fuck up and announce Pokemon Stars so people actually buy a Switch

Whats the Senran Kagura guy gonna do with the new rumble feature in the Joy Cons

No Region Locking THANK FUCKING GOD, now if I want some obscure titty game on the Switch it might get an Asian English localization or some shit

Where’s Smash Switch

WHERE’S THE LAST THREE SMASH AMIIBO IT’S NOT REALLY SWITCH RELATED BUT STILL REEEEEEEE