#I am going the brute force route of getting myself out of this body image issue hole I'm in

[sagehaubitze]

Today has been better, I got covered in blood and dirt (gardening), improved my mood and self image. Decided I would commit to the TDOV selfie after forcing myself to pick out things about my body I liked. I like the dark circles under my eyes, I like my scars.

I fought hard to get those scars, I better like them.

[vroenis]

Mood Dependence

The first tag I drop on the entry is of-course Kentucky Route Zero.

I forget whether I’ve talked about this before so here we are talking about it again some more. While I was playing KRZ and occasionally posting about it on social media, among others, two particular friends responded to me about it and we engaged, having some good discussions on and off. I suggested that playing the game might be highly mood dependent, but that for me engaging in most art is mood dependent, the only thing that varies is to what degree. If I was still more of a wanker, I might suggest that the more artsy-fartsy a product is, the more mood dependent it is but that’s not the case. I very much have to be in the right frame of mind to engage with Marvel or Bravest Warriors as much as Gaspar Noé, it really does depend on the individual and what mood they’re most frequently in or find themselves in at the time.

I find it affects more than the consumption of and engagement with art, tho. I don’t know if it’s a bipolar thing or a human thing and I say that a lot; it affects my ability to write, create, engage with people - enact actions in the world. The only thing I have to brute-force my way thru is of-course my employment which raises particularly interesting capitalistic questions of societal structure. I’m not entirely here to smash the establishment tho - there are times where discipline is useful; on a base level, discipline and the ability to overcome how we feel assists us with survival and sure it’s disgusting to apply that to the nth degree entirely in the ultimate capitalist sense, but again on a base level, being able to hold down a job in an of itself isn’t necessarily evil. Before we go Burning Down The Corporations, I need to make careful distinctions between my mental states and my physical states, as a first example. Minds and bodies are complex systems and understanding them is my responsibility.

Nevertheless I can never stray too far from my iconoclastic nature and Art-capital-A is one of my most primary motivators. There is definitely plenty wrong in the world at large we have created over generations and the societal structures therein regarding how we understand people and psychology and I’m fairly certain we will never address it to our ultimate destruction, that is fairly observable, mundane, and an immense tragedy for literally billions of people who will luck out in the birth lottery or have already done so. Art is the only thing that from a pragmatic perspective is both meaningless and unnecessary and so becomes the most essential and important thing for humanity. We must inject the most meaning and emotion into it possible. It becomes charged with the most powerful intangible things we have; our emotions. This is why bad art must be celebrated and documented. Anger, frustration, humour is just as valuable as everything we think is noble.

It’s also why the struggle to create is very real and perhaps one of the greatest challenges. It’s probably why I pushed myself to write today. Usually I’m cautious about pushing myself to produce, and I want to again be very careful with the language I use being so capitalist, even if only by stating it. It’s hazardous discussing everything in terms of product - I know I mentioned in a previous entry and Capitalism tries to convince you that everything you create is a product and it has no value unless someone is buying it, so a reminder to myself and to you that it’s not what’s happening here. I could frame it as exercise, and I’m now thinking (typing? lol) aloud in that an exercise is effectively an investment - a preparation for ability, capability for the future and again it all sounds quite capitalist, doesn’t it? Do we always do things only with the hope of some kind of profit? A return on investment? Do we evaluate everything only if and when there is a return, at the valuation point, like a board game about speculative stocks? If the board game never concludes because of an unforeseen interruption, do we not name a winner and so the game and the stocks - the product and our labour - never had any value?

Do I write this to answer these questions, or only to ask them, and which has value?

All the philosophy majors will have a lot of angles on what has value or whether there’s any point to value at all as a frame which is great. Value as a phenomena is a whole Thing - we can discuss whether or not I have any intent to create or suggest Value capital V (that’s getting annoying, I know, so that will be the last time) but that will be fairly pointless.

(I made that; you can steal it).

Over the last few entries, I’ve not directly talked about the one monumental current event that’s dominated the attention of world at large. If you note the dates on these entries and you’re visiting from the future, you may have to look up what was happening around now if I haven’t mentioned it explicitly anywhere as I likely won’t. There was one vague reference to it in the Kaossilator post which is as close as I care to get. There are so many other things happening in our lives (J and mine) that I’d say were interruptions, but they’re not really - they’re just life, but they’re the daily challenges that make creating difficult.

It means coming here and writing weekly or bi-weekly, as is my intention, is a challenge. It means turning on all my gear and working on music is a huge challenge. It means watching films and sometimes even YouTube is a challenge. A lot of it it energy dependent, heaps of it is naturally time dependent, but for me a significant portion is mood dependent and my understanding of that is it’s more dimensional than just not feeling like it.

Over dinner a while ago, our family were discussing films released in 2019 and which was my favourite and honestly I think I got around to seeing one. I think the next most recent film I saw in the last 12 months was Hereditary which I enjoyed most, so if I see a film within 24 months of its release these days, I’m doing well. Mostly this is due to time and opportunity, but it’s mostly due to mood; I just don’t want to watch most films, even ones I’m interested in seeing and want to watch. 

Our hosts also asked us what we thought of the place as they’d just recently moved in and were still in the process of moving things around and my perspective was and is that I like subtle - and often not so subtle suggestions of separations of space for application. When I read, I read in specific places. When I create music, I only do it in the studio, tho there are exceptions when I take one or two smaller pieces of gear out of the room as that’s a ton of fun for a refreshing change. When I play games, it’s on the consoles down at the television, the same goes for when I watch films or shows - we don’t have more than one room with TVs in them, and while J can and does watch shows on her iPad in bed, it’s not something I can do. For me, I want a dedicated space in which I focus on film to engage with it.

This applies to the times when I create and engage with art, too, and I’ve mentioned before that there are even times when I do and don’t listen to certain albums or pieces of music. In this post-KRZ life I’m in, (need to change the name of this journal to Art Worth Dying For: or Life Post-Kentucky Route Zero), I’m trying to write these longer posts every Friday night after work, but it’s turning out to be either Saturday during the day, Saturday evening or on the Sunday. During the week I try to add something shorter, but I do want to maintain some semblance of regular discipline because writing is good for me, in particular in lieu of ceasing other online activities. I’ve found that engagement in general is low on other platforms, and while it does occur rarely and at a moderate level, it isn’t regular enough for my liking. Like many, I’ve taken a somewhat passive role on Instagram where the Stories are utilised to post temporary activity and engagement is higher, and on Facebook I respond to posts in the Akai Force group where necessary but only when relevant which isn’t often.

I’d rather come here and write endlessly and be orderly, in short and long-format text, and as expressed in my Instagram stories; even post images in a more static format that invites slower digestion and contemplation with a view to better interpolation of text and context of that text in relation to the images.

It doesn’t matter that I don’t have an audience here, what matters is that I like the form and format and that it feels right for my expression. It allows me to inject value into it, so I guess it’s good product then; even if no-one is buying. Good ol’ capitalism. I don’t know if writing discipline will lead to music discipline, that’s certainly not one of the aspirations I maintain - if it’s a side-effect, it’s welcome. Nevertheless, there’s a charm in writing publicly and being able to come back, re-read my thoughts and reflect on what comes out when I plug directly into what’s going on and let some of the previous week spill out, delineated in text and a few images - these tiny snapshots of what life is like for me. I feel like it’s valuable, insightful even if just for me, for what my life is becoming, the Art that is shaping it along with the events I’m experiencing - am subject to. That’s ominous, as it should be. It should be for us all. We are subject to Art.

[tetrakys]

Memories lost, Memories found - Armin

This ended up being way longer than expected, and I am not sure I am ever going to write about Armin again, it’s painful and this took everything I had from me.

First, read the Intro here.

I looked around the square trying to get my bearings. This had probably been a stupid idea. After the longest and most uncomfortable bus trip ever, I didn’t even know Armin’s precise address. That night at the Snake Room Alexy had blurted out just the name of the town and neighbourhood. I looked at my phone biting my lower lip pensively… I had only two options, call Alexy and ask for his brother’s full address or give up and go back home.

I wasn’t sure Alexy was willing to talk though, after what had happened between him and Rosa I didn’t know where we stood. However, I was willing to beg. I knew exactly what was waiting for me back home, uncertainty and drama. I had been almost on the verge to offer my heart and body to someone just a couple of days ago, and now… now I wondered if there was anything left to offer at all. I had already given both to someone else a long time ago.

I was just about to look up Alexy’s number when something caught my eye. I stopped dead in my tracks in front of a gaming shop, a sign hanging on the door:

‘Last One Standing tournament TONIGHT!’

Armin loved this game. I remembered the hours spent playing together in his room, we both had a serious competitive streak. We could spend the whole day just playing and eating take out. Sometimes… well, many times, the passion we put in the game turned into something else and we ended up getting distracted for a while. Had there ever been happier days than those when all I needed was my laptop, a slice of cold pizza and him?

I pushed the door and walked into the shop. A brief conversation with the sales assistant confirmed that the competition was about to start but I was just in time to join the if I wished to. Mostly, he was probably surprised, usually there weren’t many hardcore girl players. At least not many respects to the sheer number of male players anyway. I payed my entrance fee and headed to the basement.

Of course the competition was in a basement, or rather the ‘gaming den’ as he had called it. The place was very dark, and each gaming-station, there were about fifty of them, had everything any geek could hope for: state of the art gaming gear, energy drinks, snacks… also everything was positioned in a way to guarantee each player their own privacy for maximal concentration.

I only had a few minutes to set me up and log in. I froze when I got to the choose-your-nickname section, memories rushing over me.

 —–o—–

“Why do you always choose the same nickname?” Armin asked me, turning around in his desk chair.

“You are not very original yourself” I pointed out from his bed, “yours is always one of the Ninja Turtle’s names.”

“At least I have four to choose from depending on my mood, and it totally makes sense, the TMNTs are my spirit animals” he replied “you can’t deny how much we have in common” he grinned pointing at the half empty pizza box and his small collection of nunchakus and sai on the walls.

“I do see a resemblance…” I said with a fake pensive tone of voice. He threw a pillow at me that I easily dodged.

“I am serious though, you always use either Tetraktys or a misspelled version of it, what does it even mean?”

“The Tetraktys was a sacred metaphysical symbol for Pythagoras and his disciples” I explained, “You can see it as a geometrical representation of the number 10 as the fourth triangular number. It has many meanings and embraces in itself the harmony of the cosmos and the divine. It was seen as the image of perfection and, well, of course, it reminds me to aim to perfection in everything I do.” I grinned “the misspelling part is my way of pointing out that something imperfect can be perfect in its own way.”

He just looked at me for a few moments, then joined me on the bed. Hovering over me, his hands at each side of my head, eyes staring into mine “You do are perfect, you even educate me on ancient philosophy.”

I cupped his face with my hands “Happy to oblige” my lips drawing closer and closer to his.

  —–o—–

I shook my head to wake up from my daze, I didn’t have time to walk down memory lane. I wasn’t sure Armin was even in this room, but if he was I didn’t want to be too obvious. I wrote Tenn in the nickname space and chose my character. I picked Syberia, she was my favourite, very fast and perfect for long range shooting. The upside was that she usually wasn’t great for close quarters combats, but I knew her as the back of my hand and, in time, I had created my own fighting strategy.

Last One Standing was a game of strategy more than brute force. It consisted of three levels each one different but just as complicated as the others.

I waited for the first level to load. This part was about environment survival: the game loaded some kind of scenario for all players to face, it could be a jungle, an alien invasion, or something similar. Everyone had an hour to get to the safe zone, all players out of it at the end of the timer’s countdown were eliminated.

I stared at the screen, my heart beating fast, the list of players rolling in front of my eyes.

Tenn entered the area

Asterfox entered the area

Shaman entered the area

…

Other thirty or so names followed, then finally

Michelangelo entered the area

I knew it! It was him, it had to be him.

And now? It wasn’t like I had a proper plan, I had (possibly) found him which had been my goal all along, should I just get up and go talk to him? To say what? I wasn’t sure I would accomplish anything other than ruin his night.

I was still trying to figure out what to do, when the first level scenario loaded, and a very distinct memory came back to mind.

—–o—–

“Welcome to Zombie city, Candy” he said gesturing towards the screen, a few days after he had introduced me to the game for the first time.

“Yikes zombies! Disgusting things, I am going to kill them all!” I replied eagerly.

“You will do no such thing” his voice serious “the level starts with just a few of them here and there, but the longer it takes you to reach the safe zone, the more of them appear. At some point it’s going to get impossible to move forward unless you have incredible fire power, and even then, only reckless players or thrill seekers are going to choose that option. No, the smartest way to get to the safe zone is this.” He pointed to a specific route on the map that read ‘sewers’.

“You are kidding, right?” I replied dumbfounded.

“You don’t believe me?”

I shook my head. We teased each other half of the time, it wouldn’t be the first time he pulled something like this just to get a good laugh.

“Go on then, run through the city, collect weapons, try whatever you want and see how it goes.”

“You can be on it! It’s on!”

It was a disaster, I died in the first five minutes. The second time was even worse. Eventually, at some point, after many maaaaany attempts, I managed to get to the safe zone. But he was right, it wasn’t worth it, the fire power alone and the time it took was just too much.

“Fine!” I cried out, throwing the gamepad on the bed out of spite. “You were right, happy?”

“Immensely” he grinned with mischief “I do love the fact you spent most part of the night relentlessly trying until you made it though. I find it really sexy” he added with a glint in his eyes.

“How sexy?” I replied raising a highbrow, turning slowly towards him.

“Very.”

  —–o—–

I knew what to do.

As soon as the countdown started I headed straight for the sewers entrance. I could tell from the little red dots on the map that about seven other people had had the same idea. Once I got there I knew I had been right all along. The player called Michelangelo was there too, he had chosen Markus, a big tank who was great for hand to hand combat, but slightly slower than average without a boost. It was Armin’s favourite character and, if it wasn’t proof enough, he was wearing a blue beanie. The beanie was Armin’s good luck charm.

I stared at the screen like I was trying to drill a hole through it. We were together in the same room, but more than that we were in our element, playing together. I didn’t have time to dwell on the thought, we had to run, sewers were safer but not completely zombie-free.

My character was the fastest one in the group, so I was immediately in front of the pack. I was so focused on just running and surviving the first level that I didn’t notice the recess in the wall until the in-game chat lit up.

Michelangelo wrote: Watch out on your left!

I sidestepped the zombie at the very last moment, one millisecond later and it would have been on me. Given Syberia’s stats it would have been a real pain to get it off in such small quarters.

Tenn wrote: Thanks, it almost got me.

SpiderWeb wrote: Dude, shut up. Less competition in the final level.

Michelangelo wrote: Level 2 is team-up dumbass, any strong team needs a Syberia.

I knew how he felt about team stats, but I also knew that he was just a nice person. I was happy to see some things hadn’t changed.

SpiderWeb started replying obscenities, but dividing his attentions between two tasks was complicated. I chuckled between myself when I saw him being tackled by two zombies soon afterwards.

The next fifteen minutes became a frenzy of just running and dodging. I was a little rusty and risked getting caught a few other times. I hadn’t played in a while, now that I thought about it… I hadn’t played since our breakup. There wasn’t a specific reason why, I had loved the game in the past, but more than anything I had loved playing with him. At the end of the day it didn’t seem to make much sense to play without him. It just hurt.

After another couple of minutes, I managed to fall back into a familiar rhythm, I felt confident enough to start keeping an eye on Armin’s game. Markus wasn’t very fast without a boost, and there had been none to collect in the sewers to this point, so he couldn’t hope to dodge all the zombies like my character did, however he was very good at hand to hand combat. Also, Armin was a real pro at that, he could do miracles with just a pocket knife. I saw him pinning a zombie to the wall and stabbing it in the temple and, ten seconds later, kicking another one in the guts and stomping on its head.

Hot.

Soon after I reached the last turn, but stopped right before entering the safe zone. Level 2 was a co-op game, people who completed level 1 close to the same time ended up in the same group and had to survive it together. Groups were usually of around five or six players, so I had to be careful if I wanted to be sure to end up in the same group as Armin.

I had been chilling in front of the finish line for a couple of minutes when I saw him running towards it. When he crossed it, we did it together. A few seconds later my private chat lit up.

Michelangelo wrote: were you waiting for me?

Tenn wrote: I saw you playing back there, I wanted to make sure to team up with good players for the next round.

Michelangelo wrote: I’m flattered, I hope we end up in the same team, you’re not too bad yourself. Also, I’m partial to Syberia.

My heart skipped a beat, was it because the character reminded him of me?

—–o—–

“Come on Candy, are you ready? We don’t have the whole day.”

“Get in here if you are bored” I replied from the other side of the door, taking one last look at my reflection in the mirror. Tight brown leather trousers, dark green tank top that left part of my midriff exposed and knee-high military boots. I tied my long hair in a ponytail before setting aside the fake shotgun to open the changing room door and letting him in.

“Wow!” Armin looked me up and down with a glint in his eyes “you are every nerd’s wet dream. I’m not sure I should let you walk around Comicon dressed like this.”

“Please” I replied with a dismissive snort “there isn’t a single jealous bone in your body.” I turned back to the mirror and leaned forward to apply some lipstick. I should have probably been the one on the lookout, in that full military attire (bar the beanie) he made for a really dashing Markus.

He locked the door before coming to stand at my back, putting his hands on my hips.

“You’re the sexiest Syberia I have ever seen” he whispered in my ear “all those geeks on the other side of this wall can only dream abut touching you.” His hard chest pressed against my back, our eyes locked in the mirror. “But that’s the only thing they can do… dream.” Running his tongue from the bottom of my neck up to my ear, he caught my lob in his teeth.

“Armin…” I moaned “what are you doing… we don’t have time for this.”

His right hand came up to my breast, while his left one made its way down the hem of my pants.

“No one else can touch you Candy” he whispered, brushing against my sensitive spot, dragging a groan from deep in my throat. “Let me hear you say it.”

“No one can touch me” I shivered in his embrace, his fingers keeping their circling motion.

“Only me.”

“Only you.”

  —–o—–

Michelangelo wrote: I mean… It’s always useful to have a good sniper in your team.

Tenn wrote: Yes. Plus, Syberia is hot. Every nerd’s wet dream, right?

A part of me wanted to bait him, confuse him, make him wonder. I hadn’t talked to him in four years and now that we were finally here… I was kinda pissed. Fuck… was this my great plan? Catfish him?

Level 2 loaded, my plan had worked, Armin and I were on the same team. All players had been divided in small teams with randomly assigned names (we were The Eagles), and each had a mission that was either to protect a suitcase from another team or steal it from them. This time we were the protectors.

I smirked, I knew Armin would not be happy, he much preferred being on the offense side. I, on the other hand, was in my element and knew exactly what to do.

“Okay guys” un unknown voice spoke to my ear making me jump in my chair “let’s talk about this.”

Fuck… fuck fuck fuck!!! I had completely forgotten that this part of the game allowed for the players to communicate through their microphones. What was I going to do now? He was going to recognise me right away; four years wasn’t that long of a time to forget someone’s voice.

“Tenn should cover the area from the top of the building.” My heart skipped a beat, it was him! His voice… I would recognise it between thousands. “SpiderWeb should stay back and take out any enemy that manages to infiltrate the outpost. I am going to draw attention to myself at the entrance while GhostVoid and Silver take them out.”

I recognised the nicknames of some of the players who had been in the sewers with us. Damn… the idiot from before was here too.

“Who made you captain of the team, asshole?” SpiderWeb replied as expected.

“If you have a better idea I am all ears” Armin replied calmly.

“Yes I do, I don’t see why I should stay back and leave all the fun to you.”

“Michelangelo is right” a guy, Silver, replied. His character was Lilith, a little girl with pigtails and a huge axe. She was absolutely devastating but easily damageable, she needed a tank to take her hits and Markus was perfect. “Your character, Teslan, is a ninja assassin, he moves in the shadows and specialises in sneak attacks, he should stay inside and protect the target.”

“Teslan is also good for open attacks, let GhostVoid be at the back!”

“But it makes no sense!” GhostVoid cried “I’m a nuker!”

They fought about this for a while, in the end SpiderWeb begrudgingly accepted to wait inside.

“You haven’t said a word Tenn” Armin pointed out “are you okay with this strategy?”

Here it was, the moment of truth. I deepened my voice and replied. This was going to be a disaster.

“Syberia is a sniper so that’s fine with me.”

A few seconds went by.

“Wooooow are you a chick?!” Silver exclaimed.

“Great. A girl on the team. We are fucked.” SpiderWeb said in a monotone.

“Shut up idiot!” GhostVoid replied “I swear to God if we weren’t on the same team you would be dead by now.”

They kept bantering for a few more minutes while getting into position. The game started a few minutes later. I stood on the edge of our base rooftop, rifle in my hand, waiting for the attack.

“I’m sorry about SpiderWeb” Armin’s voice said to my ears on a private communication channel “he’s a real prick.”

“None taken, I’m used to idiots underestimating me because of my gender when I play” I smirked “It usually comes to bite them right in the ass.”

He laughed, the laugh I remembered so well and hit me in the heart. “I bet it does.”

Another pause. Everyone stood still and silent while we waited for the enemy’s arrival.

“You sound familiar Tenn… where are you from?”

I closed my eyes defeated… he was onto me, I knew it! When I opened them back I instantly noticed something that only I could, thanks to my higher vantage point.

“Guys at your back!”

An enemy’s Teslan was sneaking behind my teammates to infiltrate our base. He was just about to strike Armin’s back with a fatal blow when I shot him right in the eyes and killed him instantly. Soon after all hell broke loose. The whole enemy’s team rushed to meet us on the open field.

“Thank you Tenn, a second later and I would have been a goner” Armin said in our private channel while shielding Silver and fighting the opposite team’s tank at the same time. I checked his game with admiration, he really was a force to be reckoned with. When we were together seeing him play had always turned me on a little. I kept shooting enemies whenever I had a chance, but in the crazy melee it was impossible to get another deadly shot. I managed, however, to make a few hits that saved GhostVoid and Silver in more than one occasion.

“You are great” Armin said after I hit the guy he was battling with, dropping his life span “I’m really happy I have you on my team.”

“Thanks…”

“You didn’t reply to my previous question, are you from around here?” he asked.

“Something like that…” I replied evasively.

“What’s your name?”

“So many questions… are you hitting on me?”

“What if I were… I do like hot girl gamers” he said with a hint of mischief in his voice.

“How do you even know I am hot?” I asked trying to hide my nervousness.

“Your game is too good.”

“This… doesn’t make sense at all.”

In that moment I spotted SpiderWeb jumping in the fight.

“Dude, what the fuck!” GhostVoid cried “who is protecting the target now?!”

“Fuck that” SpiderWeb replied “it was boring as hell just watching you all play”

“Guys… there is a missing player in the other team” I said and quickly scanned the map “fuck there is someone in our base… they had another Teslan!”

I left there my long-shot rifle and rushed into the building armed only with a gun. I was the closest one to the target. From the headphones I could hear the voices of my team members arguing and accusing SpiderWeb who was running back trying to make it into the base. I tuned everyone out while running the remaining two flights of stairs.

The moment I got into the target area a ghastly scene presented in front of my eyes, the enemy’s second Teslan had just grabbed our suitcase and was running out of the room. If he made it out of the building we were done for.

I run after him to the hall of the building, I was never going to make it, so I stopped and took aim. Right when he was about to make it through the threshold I hit him in the back of his head, killing him instantly. A second later SpiderWeb entered the area and I shot him in the chest, killing him as well.

“Fuck!” he cried “you killed me!”

“Sorry” I replied with zero conviction “I got confused between Teslans.”

“The hell you did, bitch! You did it on purpose!”

“Mind your words, you useless prick. Another breath and I am going to have you kicked out of this place forever.” Armin replied seemingly calm but with a very cold tone. “We have won, no thanks to you, just shut up and be grateful.”

I looked at the stats and saw that he was right, while I was dealing with the target the team had managed to take out all the remaining enemies. We had won. I sighed of relief and slumped in my chair, closing my eyes.

Now the final level… all against all… no complicated rules here, the game was called Last One Standing for a reason. Looking at the screen I saw that the other battles had also ended, there were three winning teams and, since all players of a winning team moved to the final stage, there were fifteen people left in the game. Which was starting again in five minutes.

“Nice shot” Armin’s voice said, coming from my headphones.

“Thank you, but I was also lucky, the guy was almost out of the base.”

“I am talking about the one that offed SpiderWeb, but the other one was great too” I could picture the smirk on his face.

“Well… he wasn’t wrong, I can really be a bitch sometimes.”

“He deserved it, and I like this ruthless mean streak of yours. Is that how you act in real life too?” he asked.

“Tsk tsk… why do you keep asking me so many questions?”

“I’m interested.” He was serious, no hint of laughter in his voice.

“You shouldn’t be” I murmured guiltily “I’m a mess.”

“I like a challenge” he said self-confident.

“Why don’t we make this more interesting?” he said after a pause “whoever wins this can ask the other one a question.”

“Why should I agree to this?” I asked with a snort.

“Think about it. Is there anything you want to ask me?”

I thought about it for a moment. There were so many things I wanted to know. What was his life now, if he ever thought about me… if he had moved on.

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

In that moment the game restarted and I run to take cover. “Deal” I said, before disappearing from the starting area. I run around for a little while deciding what to do.

There were 15 players, the best and safest option was to hide for a while and let them murder each other until there were just a few of them left. The setting was a post-apocalyptic city and, in a street, I found an abandoned building that looked promising. There was no map in this level and I couldn’t see where the everyone was, the only indication of the state of the game was the players count on the side of the screen and the announcement that appeared anytime a player was taken out and by whom.

I got in the building and ended up face to face with a someone right away. So much for the idea of the place being empty I thought. He must have been even more surprised than I was because, gun already in my hand, I managed to shoot him killing him immediately. The count went down by one and the message ‘Asterfox was killed by Tenn’ appeared on the right side of the screen.

I paused for a second, checking if anyone else was in the area and, when no one came out to kill me, I went upstairs and, laying on the rooftop, bracing my rifle, I waited while looking at the street below me. I had no intention of drawing attention to myself, so I was going to shoot only if I was sure I had a perfect chance for an instant-kill.

With that strategy I managed to take out another couple of players. After fifteen minutes there were only six left. Soon after the message ‘SpiderWeb was killed by Michelangelo’ appeared on the screen. I smirked, five to go.

“Where are you Tenn?” said Armin’s voice to my ear, our private channel still open.

“Like I am going to tell you” I snorted.

“Nah, that’s good. I like the chase” laughter in his voice, “some things are worth fighting for.”

I drew my breath feeling like I had been suckerpunched.

—–o—–

I was on the bed, laying on my side and hugging my knees to my chest. I was so tired… my eyes were red and swollen, having been crying for the past hour. Since our phone call.

“I am tired Armin” I had said “I don’t feel close to you anymore.”

Last time I had seen him had been three months before, when he had managed to visit me for a weekend.

“You are the one who left Candy. I am trying here, I really am. You are the one who is always busy either with school or new friends” he sounded defeated, we both were. This wasn’t the first time we were having that discussion. “Maybe some things are not meant to be and not worth fighting for.”

After those words I knew it was going to be the last.

  —–o—–

“What do you mean?” I asked him, my voice barely shaking.

“That I learned the hard way when it’s time to give up.”

Hot rage washed over me. In that moment I saw him running below my outpost and went for the kill. I really hadn’t thought it through because the position was completely off and I missed him by a long shot. That, however, had been enough to alert him of my position.

“Gotcha!” I saw him running towards my building. I had to leave the roof immediately.

I had just made it down the stairs when he barged into the building and, a moment later, we were both standing there, our guns pointed to each other.

“Well…” he said chuckling “isn’t this a classic case of Mexican standoff. Really funny.”

“Funny?” I barked “nothing funny about it.”

“Oh yes, very funny indeed, because whatever happens to this point on, I have already won.”

“W-what?”

“Yes, if I shoot and kill you, I can ask you whatever I want. If you kill me, you can ask me whatever you want, effectively achieving my goal of having a conversation face to face with you. So winning in the end doesn’t really matter anymore. I would love to be the one running the show though, so I am going to try to win this anyway.”

“Would you throw away the whole competition?” I replied with poison in my voice, “the moment you shoot me I am out of here, and you still have other three people to take before winning the game.”

“I don’t care. As I said, some things are worth fighting for.”

Picking up a stranger girl in a game yes, but me? Not me.

“Well, maybe there’s nothing worth for me here” I pointed my gun at my own temple. “Goodbye Armin” I said, and shoot.

The moment my screen went black I was gathering my things and running out of the shop as fast as I could.

I heard a “Shit!” at my back but didn’t bother turning around. I knew I had surprised him, no one had killed the other, I didn’t owe him any fucking conversation whatsoever.

I got drenched as soon as I stepped out of the shop, it was raining, almost storming. I didn’t know what to do or where to go, I just knew I had to make as much space between me and the man who had given up on me. The man who I loved and who hadn’t found me worth of his time since a long while ago.

“Candy, stop!”

And like a magic spell, I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around. We were at the opposite ends of a narrow alley, it was so dark and the rain so heavy that I could barely see two feet in front of me. But I could hear his steps while approaching me. A few moments later, I raised my head and saw him standing in front of me.

Armin was exactly like I remembered him, except well… wetter. Taller and broader than one would expect anyone spending most of his days sitting in front of a pc. His black thick hair was a little longer than before, and were now plastered down to his face by the rain, and his eyes… in the dark I couldn’t see their colour, but I could never forget that deep blue I had lost myself in so many times.

We just stared at each other for a moment.

“Why are you here, Candy?” he said breathless.

“Neither of us won, I don’t have to tell you anything” I replied trying to turn around and leave, but he grabbed my arm and pushed me closer to him.

“Why did you come here?” he repeated “Don’t run away again goddammit.”

“I didn’t run away in the first place, you were the one who gave up on us”, I started to cry, luckily the rain was masking my tears.

“We both did. You had your new life and I was standing in your way. I was in a bad place because of my family and my crazy hacking. I wasn’t strong enough… but I am now.”

I stood there in the rain, with no idea of what to do or what to say.

“Why are you here?”

“Because… I had to know.”

“Know what?”

“How I felt about you.”

“And…?”

“It doesn’t matter” I forced myself to reply, “it’s been four years, you never came back for me.”

“You didn’t either.”

“I just did!” I cried.

“So, you are here to get back together.”

I tried to reply in protest, but his mouth came onto mine with strength, he started kissing me with a passion and ardour I hadn’t felt in so many years. He pushed me against a wall and caged me between his strong arms. His chest pressing against mine.

“I knew it was you from the moment I heard your voice” he said in between kisses “I suspected it even before, the way you play… I could recognise you anywhere, behind any mask.”

He kept kissing me and I realised I hadn’t done anything to stop him.

“When I play that game… part of me does it to feel closer to you. I see you behind every Syberia, I remember all the times we played together, all times we were together…”

He grabbed me by the back of my thighs and raised me so that my eyes were now aligned to his, and my legs around his waist.

“You left but the memory of you never did. I love you Candy, I never stopped and never will.”

Now I was the one kissing him with all I got. I put my hands under his shirt, I had to feel his warmth, to feel him.

“I love you too.”

“There’s no going back from this Candy, you’re mine” he said serious.

“I’ve always been…” then added “And you are mine.”

“Forever” he replied, staring me right in the eye.

My hands on his cheeks I stared back at him, “Forever.”

Then I kissed him again, for what would be the first of many, many times.

-----------

Edit: After a prompt request I ended up writing a NSFW sequel for this, you can find it here

[lubay-nue]

Data Madre

Chapter 4 Deadpoint. No return

Cap notes:

I am very sorry that it takes me so long to update, I will try not to let it happen in the future

To read!

Chapter 4 Deadpoint. No return

Note XX: The human ends with a pacifist route ...

Despite the problems he had to be this place a hell, he is calm, somehow, he managed not to kill anyone, but of course ... they were very obvious all the times he had to relive thanks to his save points ... sometimes it seems something stupid that I try so insistently.

Anyway, the end is determined and we gain our freedom, however, freedom is something that few can fully enjoy ... since, even with the current situation ... this is not even a "freedom" for me ...

- stupid sack of bones! - listen to his voice in the distance, sigh tired; even though I was in my room, I could hear how Papyrus entered as if nothing, closing behind him, try to control me while I waited for him to arrive, just saving my log and finally turning to see him in the face

-I'm finishing the blog that you asked me boss- I said trying to leave me alone, however, I just took my neck and thrown to my own bed, I tremble slightly as I close my eyes to feel that is on top of me

The bad memories seem to increase as I feel how he takes my neck and pushes my face to the bed, closing his eyes tightly ... I can feel his movement ...

One thing after another, I really have not known how to put an end to this situation, in fact, I have not even tried to stop it in any way, I guess it's largely my fault. The first thing was that moment when he stopped calling me as a brother, that happened when I entered the royal guard ... the next dead point was when he became vice captain and I forced myself to call him "Jefe" ... since then, everything had gone chopped up in such a way that he became sick and stupid

The strap to the neck was the point of no return. That same day I make it clear that I "belonged to him". That day, he destroyed something more than my body and sanity ... I destroy the last affective bond we could have between us ... when, like now, I take care to satisfy his basest instincts ... from that moment, even until now, not even one Once it has been even a little careful ... the amount of broken bones is increasing, nobody, nobody ... there is no one to stop him from treating me and even worse. Nobody cares

-bwaaagg- loose a choked moan of pain, his hands asphyxiate next to his presence ... even that twisted look ...

Day, day after day, day after day, it does not matter where, no matter when or at what time, or even that he is hurt, he just comes and takes me, like his toy, like an object, every time, even below , even more degraded ... it's annoying, a complete annoyance to know, even though the human has managed to change his personality a little, there really do not seem to be real changes inside him, not when it comes to my

And about the human ... spend more time with "the boss" is better, at least let me walk around doing anything, far away, as far as possible from both and breathing a little ... Data Mother does not have as much skill to heal, alone, I'm the only one with the "nonexistent" code, the only one who, even if I want to, will never die

-----------

Lying on the bed, aching and letting out silent tears of pain, Sans observes the emptiness of his room, his mind stopped thinking long ago, even when he is half naked, without his clothes from the waist down, his body refuses to move, the only thing that helps to suppose that he is still alive is the slight hiccup of his chest and that he sips his nose from time to time, blinking just very rare occasion

-I say you should stay away from him- I hear a familiar voice, but I really did not have the strength to get up or even move his body - ... Why do not you let the Data Mother heal you? I think it would be the best thing to do before your inhuman brother murders you on the inside - only that managed to move Sans' eyes so that he could see on the floor, in the middle of his room that "annoying dog" seeing him, although it seemed to him to be true strange way, I knew that the dog had the ability to speak, no matter how much he saw it, when he spoke, the dog never moved his snout so ... where did the voice come from? Only when they were 2 alone was that he spoke ... maybe he was hallucinating and never realized

-and I ... try- I try to sound annoying, tired "as usual" but his voice barely and sounded, remember that Papyrus had hit him in his bones and that he hanged him while passing "that" but really his own memories at times were fuzzy

"Maybe you need someone else to activate the Data Mother for you," the dog said again, giving a bark with total intention of Sans paying attention, the skeleton only watches him quietly and sighs, releasing a new moan of pain along with a whimper, blinking at last, erasing from his eyes some tears that do not let him see well

-useless-is all it says, has no strength to explain that nobody but "the guardian" of the Data Mother can activate it, but is so tired, for the battles, to recover the areas always destroyed ... to "protect" and stop the "Exception" of the "game" ... and that his brother occupied him as a sexual object does not help his little resistance ... if only, he could rest for a couple of days as far as he could from his brother ...

But who was he cheating? I get to the lowest point of everything ... now he's even "fine" with this ... he "likes" him in some way that his brother treats him so badly ... that he takes it with that brute force, that it hurts him, it could even be said that he excites the situation ... ... ... well, now he even realizes that his mind is well screwed ... it is not "nice" what he thinks, he does not like what he thinks, neither of him, nor of his boss; he just does not want this to end like this

* it's already late ... there is no return * he says to himself, closing his eyes defeated, until he suddenly feels his body feel less heavy, the pain disappears quickly and when he opens his eyes, with surprise he can see the dog upset with his eyes closed, emanating a greenish glow around him, even in him

Now he can finally sit on his bed, his whole body hurts, but the pain is more bearable, he looks confused at the animal that suddenly drops to the ground, breathes agitatedly and looks at him with work but happy, moving his tail slightly but with the show of emotion, it is Sans turn to stand up and load the animal to leave it in his bed and rest

-imposible ... is not ... but ... uff ... tired ... much- the animal gasps, Sans just smiles softly nodding, caresses a little the head of the animal and corresponds his words

-and you have not tried to reset the whole forest 3 times in a row in front of Snowdin, you just laugh softly, that dog moves his tail with more encouragement and when he sees the hand of Sans rise he denies with speed

-You'll exhaust yourself, do not do it! - Almost screams at him, stopping his movements, Sans observes him more calming once he understands his intention - ... there is a path ... with which you can escape- says the dog, Sans lowers his hand, only to gently caress his head

-Because the barrier was broken, Alphys no longer occupies his security cameras and even if he occupied them, the Backup Data may alter the recording tapes- explains standing up and getting out of bed, takes one of the laces of tennis of Sans and begins to pull him towards the door of his room -Now, Papyrus is out next to the human ... he will not know you left ... - he says pulling hard on his needle, and although Sans knows that his intention is to "get it out" of the house, it seems to him that the dog is playing at nibbling his tennis more than helping him ... he thinks it's funny, even "tender and nice"

- Why do you have so much insistence that I escape? - He ventures to ask calmly, the annoying dog stops "pulling" to see the eyes, sitting in his place, his ears fall in sadness

-that you can not die does not mean that you are living at this moment ... - that silences any argument that Sans was already thinking to tell him that he was fine, silence reigns between them for a while -You can be the Data Mother of Underfell anywhere ... I think, it would be better if it is far from it ... it will not change anything ... because I'm here as a substitute for you- says the dog breaking the silence, Sans looks at it a little and nods

-It's not like I can go far ... the human will be able to reset and then I will be forced to return once again to this place- he says calmly, sitting on the bed, the dog just follows him with his eyes and deflects the afflicted face

-but you can escape again ... as many times as necessary ... - he explains, they look at each other a little, the silence is heavy, but each one finds himself in his own thoughts, finally, in a new sigh of tiredness and disappointment of Sans, This breaks not only the silence, but the quietness of the place, walks through his room, taking a backpack, takes his most essential things, a pair of clothes, a pen, a new notebook, carrying his log always in his pocket and under the bed pulls out a box with some mustard bottles

-really go? - Asked with emotion in his voice, rising and moving his tail with great speed, Sans looks at him, with an expression uncertain and distressed, but turning a serious and affirmative, do not say more, the skeleton only writes a few simple words on a sheet and when you go down, carefully stick it in the refrigerator, look one last time at your house and remember something else ...

From his right pocket he takes out his cell phone, observing it for a moment, he can see an image that he secretly keeps ... the photo of his little brother and him when they were younger, when he gave him that red scarf ... he sighs annoyed and throws the phone to the sofa; When he looks down, he sees the annoying dog staring at him, breathes and takes a last look at his house and finally, with a backpack on his shoulder, he leaves.

Lock and leave the keys hidden in the mailbox, look at your house from the outside, wondering if it's a good idea, after all, although the monsters are now free, they are still living "for now" under the subsoil ... at least until they manage to make their homes on the surface, so they still live in their home ... although, now that they have made the decision ... really, already, it will not be their home again

-guíame- asks the annoying dog that, giving a last bark disappears, followed by Sans himself

--------------------

It was late at night, I had had a very nice day in the company of the human, now, the human spent his nights with Alphys who invited him to see his gore and terror animes, he supposed it would be fine, even though he had that strange flower in his hands, it really did not seem to be a problem. He stretched his body tired and finally entered his home

It seemed strange to him that, even for the hours that were, there was not a single light on, annoyed bufo, already assumed that the loose and useless sack of bones that was his bastard and useless brother would continue sleeping in his bed, as if nothing more will happen, and I even thought that, if I found it the same as how I left it in the morning, it would not hurt to play with your body again, after all, it was pretty good being your toy

He entered his room quietly, but when he turned on the light he did not find anyone, confused, I look for him even under his bed, it would not be the first time he hid like that, but he began to suspect when even under the bed and inside his closet, he did not find it, besides, to see that clothes were missing in the second ...

-Sans? Useless skeletal garbage Where are you? - Annoyed claim ... I hated playing hide and seek with the opposite ... But even so, I look for it throughout the house, while screaming so many threats was known, swearing that if I found it I was going to destroy it, to break the bones and then use it as the "harlot" that was, among so many more insults and blasphemy towards his person, finally comes to the kitchen, finding a note in the refrigerator with the letter of the aforementioned skeleton

** Papyrus.

Do not wait for me awake, I will not come back anymore, I get tired of being your cheap toy and the center of your humiliation. Do not look for me, anyway, I do not intend to appear again in front of you.

Here everything ends. This is our deadlock and no return.

Sans. **

Even not believing what he reads, reread again and again and again the note, finally, going back to his room, remember he saw little clothes, even on the sofa he has seen his cell phone ...

Quietly, Papyrus is watching the house, now you can notice it in a quieter way, more ... alone ... and even in the silence that floods it together with the darkness, Papyrus's smile appears softly ... little by little, raising his laughter gradually and finally, walking to the sofa to sit ... laugh softly while small tears fall softly and soon, fluently

He is surprised when he realizes this; taking that note again, reread it one last time and finally look at the roof of his house

-so that ... in the end you were a coward who fled- said

Final notes:

Well, that's right ... Sans escaped from Papyrus after all the problems that both of them had ... I say it's about time ... but, I suppose because of his own pride and because of the love Sans has for his brother, he would not have done it ... anyway, somehow the plot had to advance, right? And although I do not believe it, there is still to start the real plot of this fic ... just ... I need some "cute" things of the plot ...

Did you like it? Have a nice day Comment!

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