#I am glad for those of you who’s mental health improves with the change. I’ll be over here in opposite land :(

[inga-don-studio]

Daylight savings time my beloathed

[beazt]

July is observed both as Disability Pride Month and the anniversary of the Americans with Disability Act, passed July 26, 1990. I urge all of my US followers, especially abled ones, to pressure your senators to support The SSI Restoration Act of 2021 (H.R.3824).

[Here is a link] to more information about SSI and how this act will improve the lives of disabled people across the United States. Some major changes include:

Raising the income amount from under 75% of the federal poverty level to at least 100% of the poverty level

Marriage equality: disabled people will keep their full benefits rather than being penalized

Asset limits (dictating how much money you can possess at one time) increasing from $2000 per person to $10000 per person

I understand it can be scary to reach out to senators, and it can take a lot of energy. I still encourage you, if you are able, to send an individualized letter or email to your senators and request a written response. This will increase the chances of your letter being read and remembered. I’ll include a vague guide under the readmore on this post. I’m going to give you all the information I included in my letter, and you can present it (or other relevant information!) however you’d like— whether that’s writing your own letter from scratch or keeping strictly to my guide.

[Template begin:]

Dear Senator [NAME],

As your constituent, I [implore/urge/encourage] you to support the SSI Restoration Act of 2021 (H.R.3824.) Many of the rules and restrictions of SSI benefits have not been updated in over 40 years. [State some facts here especially regarding the income amounts. It’s under 75% of the poverty line, being $794/mo, which adds up to $9528/yr, when the poverty limit is $12880. Throw those numbers around. Mention how this forces disabled people to stay in poverty and offers no class mobility.]

Your support for this [restoration/act/etc] is [critical/vital/important/imperative] for the health and well-being of your disabled constituents. [Optional: include a relevant personal connection, such as a brief section stating your experience as a disabled person. I had two sentences: one stating I’m a disabled constituent; one stating a couple of my symptoms “and other disabling symptoms” and how that leads to difficulty working.] This low income and the years it can take to be approved is not a commitment individuals take without desperation. [Throw around more numbers. Talk about how some medical devices can cost tens of thousands out of pocket. Explain that disabled people will experience emergencies like car repairs, family deaths, etc like any other person, and deserve the right to financially prepare for such.]

This restoration act does not bring disabled people to a privileged position, rather it pulls them slightly out of forced poverty. [I hinted at the mental and physical health impacts poverty can cause.] Therefore, I believe it is [imperative/critical/vital] to raise the standard that disabled people [live with/expected to survive on/etc, however you want to word it, in this current time/day/etc].

I would like to request a written response on this issue and have attached my contact information.

Thank you for your consideration and service,

[Your Name]

[Contact Information: Include at least an email address or physical address if you can, for the written response, if you aren’t going through a website that collects this information.]

[TEMPLATE END.]

Again, this is only the basic formula that my letter followed, and it may be easier for you to write your own from scratch, but if this template even helps ONE person contact their senator confidently then I am glad to include it.

If you don’t know who your senators are, you can usually Google search “contact [state] senators.” Their contact forms and information should be the first results. Be aware that some senators do not allow for copying and pasting into their contact forms (which in and of itself is an accessibility issue.) sometimes this can be bypassed from a mobile browser!

[imaginethathaikyuu]

How did I find your blog? I was looking for soft Kuroo content on google. And your soft birthday hc’s for him came up. And that’s also how I found tumblr

What was the first story of yours that I read? That Kuroo piece ^

Roughly, how long have I been following this blog? Well I found that piece shortly after it was posted so…. Around the beginning of December 2019 I think. Got a tumblr a few months later and you were the first person I followed (had you in my bookmarks bar before that! (still have you in my bookmarks bar and when I share my screen in classes there are occasionally questions. I ignore them))

What’s something I’ve noticed about you personality wise? You’re really clever and funny. But you’re also sweet. But because you’re clever you have no hesitation in setting up and enforcing your boundaries, and I really admire that strength and confidence.

Have we ever interacted, either by PM, ask, or in the comments? What was my perception of you? YES!!! PM, SOOOOO many asks, comments, and you sent me an ask. And reblogged it. And I cried. A lot. My perception: you’re lovely and I want to h*ld your h*nd ….please.

What’s my favorite story of yours? Oh how to choose. Firstly, I’m a nb, biracial, bisexual. Honey, I’ve never made a choice in my life. But let’s try here. Anything you’ve written for Tsukki. Literally all of it is gold. Fight me. I was going to write “especially [piece title]” but I LITERALLY CANNOT CHOOSE ONE. Your Bokuto nightmare piece. Your Kuroo angsty fight. Your Tendou dealing with S/O with parents who yell piece. Your Kinktobers. Your Futakuchi and Mattsun pieces. And your Terushima pieces. Ugh. I CANNOT CHOOSE. OH AND YOUR STREAMER KENMA!!!!!! OKay just… all of it. I can’t choose. I tried, and I failed, and I’m willing to admit failure.

What’s a story I’d love to see you write? I don’t want to say this… because it hurts me… but I just KNOW you’d write brilliant angst. Some of my fav pieces of yours are pained beginnings with happy endings. That fight with Tsukki after a bad day at work. The pieces I mentioned above (nightmare pieces and fighting pieces and angsty home life ha.. ha.ha.ha.). That Oikawa one where the reader wakes up in bed without him and thinks he left. You write these gorgeous atmospheres and descriptive, visceral feelings, and if you chose to use it for evil…. You could get evil shit done. You’re SO powerful. So I want to read it… but also…. I don’t. I’d love to see you write ABO like you mentioned a while back or just see you explore a cutesy soulmate AU or something. I think you’d be really good at writing an AU where you hear what the other person’s listening too. I feel like you’d be so good at making me feel something for someone who was in another city. (think this would be cute with Tsukki cos he’s headphones boy, OR terushima because I like the dynamic of someone flirty, who clearly cares about looks, falling for someone he can’t see) ANYWAY….

Favorite pairing you write for?/fav reader insert? Tsukishima x reader. It’s my fav self-ship. (but also Mattsun, Bokuto, Oikawa, Tanaka, and Akaashi because you write them SO WELL!!!!)

Have any of your stories helped me through a hard time? Of course. Your self-harm piece came at a time I needed it. Iwaizumi’s in particular saved my life. But also your Tendou dealing with S/O parents who fight… came right when I needed it. Also starting college… was hard.. And reading and rereading your fluff really pulled me through it.

Have any of your stories hit closer to home? YES (see above).

Do I genuinely like your blog, it’s aesthetic or posts? It’s overall feel? It’s content? Yes. The aesthetic is, ngl, a wee bit basic. But I kinda love that. And the feel? It feels like home. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Your blog is my safe space. So, yes, I love. It’s content? YES. OF COURSE. Your personality probably could have kept me here even if your content was kinda shit, but I follow you RELIGIOUSLY because of your content. So yes. I adore.

Is English my first language? Kinda??? I grew up in a trilingual household so I kinda learned three languages at the same time while growing up. But no, I don’t need to translate it in my head. Because English was one of the three.

Anything I want to share? Yes. Please keep being kind to yourself, caring for your mental health, enforcing your boundaries, loving Akaashi, and just generally being you. You’re so lovely as you are, and I hope you continue grow, but never change. Also I’m sorry about all your work stuff…. It literally makes me feel sick. And I hope you find a job where that’s not tolerated, or that your work finds a better way of protecting it’s employees. I know you know this, but none of it is your fault. I just hope things improve. AND I love you… a lot. And I’m so proud of you hitting 9K and you deserve so many more followers because your pieces are just... GORGEOUS. I can’t wait until I’m at Barnes and Noble in a few years and I can pick up a hardback copy of your debut novel. I’m so excited to say “I knew Em Akaashi (which is your legal name as far as I’m concerned) before she was so popular among the masses.”

so ive been trying to figure out the correct and worthy way to reply to this ask since the moment i got it......because its so fucking sweet and kind and amazing and pure and perfect and i just dont know how to use WORDS to explain the way it makes me feel so.......i will just reply in bullet points in regards to every question u answered to make it a lil easier :D

- the fact that u found my blog on google ....... like this may be odd and a very specific thing but before i made this blog i always hoped that 1 day my fanfic would pop up in google searches bc thats ALWAYS how i found fics when i was reading them religiously and i felt so much ENVY!!!!! LIKE I WANTED TO BE THERE I WANTED MY FICS TO B POPULAR ENOUGH TO POP UP ON GOOGLE.....that may sound very selfish but its true......so thats just very cool to me... :]

- u’ve been here for so long omg 🥺🥺🥺🥺 if anyone in ur classes ever asks jus promo my blog like its nbd 

- thats so sweet what 🥺🥺🥺 i try my best to advocate for myself and be confident for myself.....ive spent far too much of my time being silently uncomfortable because i was afraid of pushing someone’s buttons seeming rude.....but NO MORE!!!! i know what upsets me, i know my triggers, i know what i dislike experiencing, and im never gonna let myself be anxious or uncomfortable for someone else’s sake, esp if theyre being rude 2 me. i would say its less strength and confidence and moreso me attempting to take control of my anxiety in the places i can (aka on the Internet) bc i am SICK OF ANXIETY ATTACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

- BBY no dont CRY!!!! im racking my brain trying to think of who u are i wanna know so bad so i can thank u personally for being the kindest person in the world n so i can send u more asks >:(........MY HAND IS URS TO HOLD!!!!! dont tell akaashi tho 

- OMG my TSUKKI pieces.....hes so hard to write why ;-; thank u so much im so glad u enjoy my works<3333

- NOT ANGST NOT LIKE THIS!!!!!!!!! pained beginnings to happy endings are my specialty.....IMAGINE me writing a sad ending like i CANT!!!!!!!!! ive only done it a few times and it is so Difficult.....YALL ARE SO LUCKY IM NOT EVIL!!!!!! ive had this idea for an angsty akaashi fic that i think about and write in my head every night before falling asleep and it Hurts and i wanna write it but i also can’t make myself :D ABO would be very fun but i genuinely do not know how to explore the concept while making it feel like it’s Written By Me.....u know what i mean? same with soulmate aus, i really dislike writing them because theyre just boring to me like they all feel the same everything’s been done for them.....which is FINE!!! but i write enough cliche stuff as it is HAHA, a long distance type soulmate au could be fun and interesting but ldr’s trigger me bc of a past relationship so </3 but hey maybe someone else could use the idea!!!!!

- gotta love tsukishima <3

- im rlly glad my writing could be there for you friend, one of the biggest reasons i write fanfic (and write the kind of fics i write) is bc i know firsthand how much reading sweet stories abt ur comfort characters can help u through the shittiest times - i just wanna offer ppl some support and happy feelings and love cuz sometimes fanfic is the only time we can find those things (and theres nothing shameful abt that either if anyone bullies u for reading fanfic i will fight them)

- I KNOW MY LAYOUT IS LAZY AND BASIC AS FUCK AND THAT IS BECAUSE I DO NOT GIVE A SHIT LMAOOOO so im glad u think its ok...... like i dont have the patience to create a fancy ass layout that actually works are u KIDDING ME??????? I COULD LITERALLY NEVER plus i kinda like that its just the basic kinda ugly boring default layout like it makes it simple and easy and i feel like it brings focus to the only thing on this blog that i care about which is my writing, i rlly only care about the content here and not aesthetics jdbljdabsdk that blue background will be there til i Die......i adore u more btw 

- WHOA trilingual what the hell ur so cool tell me more 

- you have my word, friend, that i will continue to do all of that so long as you do the same. take care of yourself, be kind to yourself - i know u can do it, ur so kind to others and u deserve to be kind to urself, too so this is the part that genuinely brought me to tears because *sappy dumb shit ahead* ok look ever since i can remember the one and only thing ive wanted to do with my life is become an author ...... dreams of book covers with my name written on them and words in pages written by me and fanart of my characters and going into my local bookstore n seeing my book there....these thoughts all haunt my fucking brain because i want it SO BAD!!!!!!!! so bad that it makes me CRY!!!!!!!! ive never wanted something more and just!!!!!!!!!!!! idk how much u meant that part but holy fuck!!!!!! i hope so bad that one day i can send u a free copy of my book as a thank u for being the person u are. u have all my love friend, every last bit of it <333333333

[genderfluidmiracle]

Phone

“What would you say to your most vulnerable self?”

A short story about Zero Two reflecting on his life and mental health up until now as he tries to comfort a version of him from a time before the worst of it. 

Fun fact! I had a version of this story published in a local teen literary journal last year, edited to remove references to Kirby and such. I’m rather proud of this story even to this day, so I hope you enjoy it. QwQ

Word Count: 604 

(Content warning for mentions of attempted suicide and depression)

    A phone rang.

    Two didn't own a phone.

    But there one rested, on the end table closest to the wall in his living room. Where did it come from?

    The phone rang again.

    Two slowly approached it. He's glad Miracle isn't home, phones freak them out. He picked it up, speaking into the transmitter. "Hello?"

    "Hello..? Who is this?" The voice was soft, shaky, nervous, weak. That was his voice. His voice back when he never used it.

    "It's you, Zero Two."

    "Where are you? Are you still on Halcandra?"

    "No, I am free now."

    "You're free?!" His voice almost disappeared in his excitement. "I can't believe I actually leave here alive... What's the rest of the universe like? Is it everything Nova said it was?"

    Two pauses. Does he tell his younger self about the void escaping his containment left within him? The grueling rejection of nearly all societies for what he was? His attempted suicide? Does he tell him about his children? His acceptance on Pop Star? Will he want to leave knowing what he did in the future? Hell, wouldn’t him knowing all this change his past?

    Two stammers a response to his younger self. "Things are... different, but… But a good sort of different."

    "Do you feel different?"

    "...I think I feel relatively the same."

    "That's what I feared..."

    "You don't need to fear. Just because I don't feel different doesn't mean things are bad," He was still tortured, though this time by his own thoughts, but still just as hopeful that things would get better as he was back then. Only thing that is different between himself now and the version of him still on Halcandra is the people he now has to help him. He’s far better off than where he once was, struggling to find a will to live on Shiver Star, and where he started, a mistreated experiment on Halcandra. "It’s the situation you find yourself in that will bring you improvement or impairment. The change within you will come with help from your environment and those around you, I promise you."

    The two of them let silence fill the air for a breath.

    "...If you're free... Can you tell me how you escaped?"

    How he escaped… How could he tell himself what he did? Two stood there for a moment. This wasn’t something his younger self was quite ready for. Not yet. He didn’t know it yet, but that isn’t what he needed right now.

    "Just talk with me."

    "Talk with you..? How will that help me escape?"

    "It will, trust me. Just chat with me for a bit, now."

    Two can see his past self, back on Halcandra, wherever he has access to a phone, sitting on the floor. He's trembling, scared, lonely. The walls closing in on his little world. What he needs is reassurance.

    "Okay... I don't talk much, but I can talk..."

    "I'm here for you, Two. I'll be here as long as you need."

    There was a faint draw-in of air from the receiver. "As long as I need..?"

    "Of course. I'm not going to leave you. I promise."

 ~

    Two jolts awake, laying across the couch. Moonlight filters through the windows.

    He slowly sits up and stands, groggy. Where was that phone? He flicks on the lights and looks over to the end table closest to the wall. There sits the handheld transceiver Lor gave him.

    He realizes there's some blood on the couch where he rested his head. He feels his face and discovers it's still bleeding. His eye waters as well. A phone rings, but he cannot answer.

[3shag]

August 1

This month, I am hoping to learn on how to focus on myself. I badly need to focus on my review for the upcoming board exam. Also, I’m hoping that this month would be a healing month and a fresh start for myself since I’d been really busy focusing on my family this past few months.

I pray for knowledge and wisdom.

I pray that I’ll be able to discipline myself not to easily be distracted.

I pray for a productive day everyday.

At the end of this month, It’s a new me. All these things are for my better future. So help me God 🙏🏻

August 2

Actually, I don’t know. The month of July was filled with pain. Still, looking at the positive side of this month was that I’m thankful that I’d finally received my two diplomas.

August 3

What love taught me so far was to be brave enough to let go someone you really love and just continue life. It’s been 6 months since we’d broke up, less than month since my grandma, and our dog left. I can say that I’m not that fully recovered yet because I still recall all the heartbreaking days happened. But, I can also say that I’m fine and fearless enough to go on with life.

August 4

My favorite non-work activity I did this past month was to try workout in the morning, read a fictional book in Wattpad, and chill with family like netflix and drinking beer with them.

August 5

I’d read a fictional story from Wattpad entitled “Chasing in the Wilds”. It’s a love story of a CEO and a civil engineer. This story really inspired me to work hard in achieving my goals. How I needed to focus on my review, work for my family and future, and I know someday I’ll find my living fictional character that every girl would dreamed of.

August 6

I feel normal again. Not so sad, not so happy. Just the neutral feeling. I guess the best feeling I had these past few days was to feel motivated on the things I wanted to do or achieved. I feel so bad when I got nothing to do. It’s like everyday should be an improvement day. I guess, I’m already tired of doing nonsense. Maybe, Its time to focus more on myself.

August 7

Actually, I did nothing on this day since I am having a body pain. But, one thing that brought me a sense of joy was that I have this body pain because I really miss playing badminton and that made me happy that I played again despite of this pandemic.

August 8

The best memories I had when I was a child was that I am able to play outside the house with my childhood buddies. No gadgets, just the usual traditional 90’s games.

August 9

The biggest lesson I’ve learned so far from this week is that time is unstoppable, so, why waste time to nothing. Everyday should be a learning process day. Trying to have productive day and rest if I have to.

August 10

I can be present to someone if I am to hear or listen to all their rants/problems in life. I may not be present physically, but virtually I am trying my best to make them feel better.

August 11

I really don’t know actually. But, I think the plot twist happen in my life right now maybe the days I felt so broke. So lately, I am trying to be resourceful on the things that aren’t not going to be used but has value, so, I tried to sell it online. It’s just a temporary income, so, I probably need to save too and discipline myself. But I’m glad I am not that so broke anymore.

August 12

My past self was too busy on school. Less time on my family and close friends. I can tell now that I’m proud of myself because all those sacrifices I did before when I was on college we’re all worth it.

August 13

The grace I am receiving lately I think my extra income in shopee. At least this time I can now save money for my basic needs and be wise on spending for my wants.

August 14

That everything happening right now is just at the right time.

August 15

Lately, me and my sister have planned to have this “beaded accessories” business. So yeah, I enjoyed doing it and makes me forget my worries temporarily.

August 16

Calming and Relaxing. It made me feel like I’m not worrying anything.

August 17

I pushed myself so much today. I haven’t applied to rest for a while. Maybe because I didn’t prioritize all my task this day so I clutched up everything.

August 18

The moment that they pressured me on my review. I am already pressured by myself and the moment they pushes me even more, it’s totally suffocating. The only courageous words that I am holding onto is that everything happening in my life are just at the perfect time. Mistakes and delays are meant to happen. All these problems are preparing me for something good.

August 19

I am still breathing

I have complete and happy family

We are healthy

We have food to eat

Few close friends but the realest ones

Blessed to buy wants and needs

I graduated college

My family / relatives / friends are safe

Comfortable bed to sleep and rest on

God is always with me

August 20

In today’s situation, all the public servants, front-liners especially from hospitals, volunteers, food drivers or any public transportation drivers, and others who continues their businesses just to serve the needs of others. They are the ones who’s helping and sacrificing theirselves to our community. What I have learned from them was to take good care of ourselves and showing our kindness to them because seeing them tired was really heartbreaking.

August 21

When I didn’t hesitate to ask and comfort my auntie (Ate Lita). The moment I saw her crying while fixing her things, I felt how lonely she was in her life. Everything we’re going through right now, I wanted blame the pandemic. Everyone’s suffering from mental health. Yes, it’s safe being at home but It’s also not healthy anymore being stuck in a house.

August 22

Faith in God. Everything that is happening right now, I always trust in him. No matter how slow my progress is, I know everything’s planned.

Discipline. I always feel guilty when I didn’t review or waste my day to nothing. It’s a good thing because I know that I have a responsibility to do at the end of each day. It’s an add up routine for me to discipline myself to at least review per day. Also, it helped me minimize the use of social media accounts, use of phone, or watch netflix.

Strong. I know that I am strong because I am not giving up. Lately, I am being pressured on my review. I panicked and palpitated when I am stress. I cannot think properly. I know that my anxiety starts attacking me. I pray. I pray. I pray. And after that breakdown, the next day, It feels like I’m totally okay again.

Soft-hearted. I’m glad that I am still that kind of person. I don’t have that so much pride. I know that I am still humble and the kind person you still know.

August 23

1. To put God first in anything and everything.

2. To learn how to use your emotions to think.

3. To learn how to rest and treat myself.

4. Everything is just at the right time.

5. I deserved better. Don’t settle for less.

August 24

It’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. So much question on your head and a lot of insecurities on yourself. But you know what, you’re still growing. There’s so much things planned for you. Everything that you questioned about yourself, they’re all just temporary problems. Take it as a challenge for you to surpass. You still have so much things to be learned and you shouldn’t miss it. Just keep on moving forward because there’s a lot of opportunities ahead for you.

August 25

Trust is something that would take you for years to gain it and just a second of mistakes for you to ruined it. It’s one of my most important value in this world. Once I give you that trust, it means I am safe with you and I have no doubts for you. If you break it, I’ll always doubt in you and hard for you to have it back.

August 26

Yesterday. I’m not in a good mood. My body doesn’t want me to do anything. I feel guilty when I am not doing anything productive. But, its a recharged for me. Maybe, yes, I really need that rest for a while for me to think and relax my mind. Reminding myself to take good care of my mental health as well. Resting for a while is healthy, but too much chill can be unhealthy as well.

August 27

The positive changes that happened to me now would be my self-worth. It’s good to be single again. Less worries and problems. Maybe, God really planned this. He knows that I will carry much more pain when I am still in a relationship. This time, I’ll focus more on my personal problems firsts.

August 28

Recently, I am learning to plan all my tasks to do which truly a helpful for me to be more motivated to finish all my tasks. Also, I am reading an inspirational book before I start reviewing my lectures. It also helped me to be calm and inspired at the same time. It’s a slow progress yet it’s still a progress. Trying to not be so hard myself this time.

August 29

I am dreaming about acing that board exam.

I am dreaming about how my future would be.

I am dreaming about giving back to my parents.

I am dreaming about traveling to my dream places.

I am dreaming about buying all my wants.

I am dreaming about a contented life.

All I am dreaming is about my success. Success for me is something that I’ll overcome someday with all these present-day problems. It’s just all dreams but I know it’s not impossible to happen if I work hard and never give up no matter how life throws me curve.

August 30

Maybe, the new builded relationship with my sister. We are trying to start a small business which was her idea and I just support her. We don’t know how to grow and run a business, so, we have misunderstandings. But, we’re also happy on what we are doing because it’s something that you will not get bored or unproductive in a day. We both love arts, maybe someday, as we grow older, we’ll understand each other ever more.

August 31

I cannot believe that I made it. I am somehow healed on all that July heartbreaks. I can say that I’ve overcame all those previous problems because it’s all different now from all my current worries. I am now worrying about passing the board exam. This is what I wanted to happen, to be more focus on my review. I always have a productive day and I even learned to plan my duties to do at the end of each day.

~~~~~

Lord, Thank You. I know that you guided me. You helped me push myself to do better each day. There are downfalls, yes, but you never failed to be so good in me. It’s just a one month, but it truly helped me mold myself even more. I learned a lot from this month of August. I love you, Lord. Thank You for not leaving me.

[paradiselostbythedashboardlight]

Quarantine, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Wrote 430,943 Words of Prose in a Year

As we are coming up terrifyingly fast on a full year of quarantine with no end to the pandemic yet in sight for most people, I’ve been taking some time to reflect on the last year of my existence in a state that most people now refer to as quarantine. Since March of 2020, I, like most other sane people in my country, have stopped traveling, going to stores, seeing all but a limited group of other humans, and begun having recurring nightmares about being in crowds without a piece of cloth over my nose and mouth.

Suffice to say, it has been a bit stressful.

The other thing that I have done since COVID-19 began rapidly spreading across the globe last year is write over 430,943 words of fiction. 

The number seems insane to me still. That is (approximately) one Gone With The Wind, one entire Lord of the Rings series, or the first four Harry Potter books. That is still sadly not yet War and Peace (but who knows… the pandemic isn’t over yet).

So now that I am looking back, I find myself with one question: how did this happen? Why did I do this? What does this mean about my life this year?

Since apparently I answer best by writing a lot, let’s begin at the beginning. Let me tell you a story. I’ll keep it short, I swear.

Part 1: Blast From the Past

In March of 2020, I was still in the midst of an academic semester. There was a long academic document to write and a class to teach. However, as quarantine abruptly robbed me of most of my usual commitments, I was suddenly thrust into the position of having more time on my hands than I knew what to do with. Consequently, I decided to break out the Nintendo Switch I’d gotten for Christmas and revive a childhood interest in video games.

And boy did I. I played the games I owned for all they were worth. I played them during the evenings when I had no social engagements to attend. I played them during the Zoom meetings I was already struggling to pay attention to. By the end of March, I had finished one game, and it had set the wheels turning in my brain.

Here’s a fact about me: I don’t usually tend to write or read a lot of fanfiction about things that I consider really really good. Basically, fanfiction for me has always been an impulse born from incompletion or imperfection. I see no need to add to a perfect story (although I happily consume and create fanart). But for something enjoyable and yet slightly unsatisfying? That’s fanfic territory, bud.

So by April, I had developed a sort of epic fanfiction for this video game I was playing. It was one of those magnum opus kind of ideas, a grand retelling of the story with a huge sprawling plot and Themes (™). 

At first, it was merely a thought experiment that lived only in my head, a sort of entertainment to ponder in the hours before falling asleep. What changed? Well, a friend of mine decided to also write a fanfiction on the same video game and she kindly consented to let me read it.

Suddenly, I was ravenously hungry to read and to write and to share and to consume. I wrote a hundred thousand words of this fanfic in April and into early May, sending each chapter to my friend and being spurred onward by her kind comments. 

The fic became a gargantuan endeavor full of strange little challenges I set for myself. It was a canon-divergence, requiring plotting, worldbuilding, a darker and grimer tone. For some reason, I decided to write each chapter from a different character’s perspective, making the final product into a series of essentially short story character studies which together formed a plot.

By the end of May, the story was published for the world to see. It was well-received, although not particularly popular by fandom standards. And that was the end. I had gotten out my pandemic crazies, the semester was over and now I could move on. I had made my peace with the source material, plumbing all of the little details that I wanted to examine and creating a narrative that I found satisfying.

It was over.

Part 2: Summer Lovin?

Except that it wasn’t.

Confession: as I had been posting my giant fanfiction, I had also begun to explore the fan community itself, mostly curious to see some nice art and gather a bit of demographic info about what was popular within the community. As a result, I found a fanfic recommendations page. Among the recommendations was one author who kept popping up and i finally decided to give the fic a read.

Woah. It was good. Like, really good. Like, professional quality writing and themes that seemed designed to appeal to me. I devoured everything that the creator had posted in a week and then subscribed to eagerly wait for more.

As June rolled around, I realized that I had a problem on my hands. My great big gen masterpiece was finished, but this author had gotten me hooked on something else, something with a nefarious reputation online: shipping.

The term du jour for this seems to be “brain worms” so let’s just say that reading other fanworks had given me some brain worms. Inspired this time not just by the source material of the game, but now the fan community itself, my mind began to develop another idea.

I wrote the fic, about 11k, in a single afternoon of frantic writing. When I finished it, I knew it was one of my strongest pieces. It had just come together, a combination of all the thought that I’d been brewing up and a stylistic execution that just worked with the story I wanted to tell.

I posted it on a new account. Shipping seemed vaguely shameful to me still and my mom reads the other account.

To my surprise, the fic blew up. It got so much more attention than my long fic ever had. Even more significantly, a fan artist actually drew a gorgeous comic of the pivotal scene, completely out of the blue! I was essentially thunderstruck. Honestly, it was probably the first time in my life that I’d ever received so much positive reinforcement from a piece of writing.

While I’d written short stories for undergrad workshops, they’d never been particularly good and I’d never gotten particularly great feedback on them. I’d applied and been rejected by more MFAs and literary magazines than I could count. I’d pretty much resigned myself to writing for an audience of me and me alone (which I don’t mean to sound tragic about, writing for you is great and fun!)

But receiving so much support and praise and feeling like I’d made other people happy or sad or moved? There’s nothing better.

This makes my decision to write another fic for the ship sound vaguely cynical, the action of a person driven by an addiction to praise. I mean, no lie, aren’t we all a little addicted to approval?

But my next fic was another long one, an 80k passion project modern AU that I dreamed up while spending a slow summer alone with my books and only able to leave the house for long rambling walks in the woods. The premise was essentially about characters attending a five year college reunion, something that I myself had missed due to COVID in May of the same year. The fic quickly became a way for me to process thoughts on a lot of topics in my life ranging from relationships to politics to mental health to classical literature.

This fic was also received with far more attention than I was used to and, as a result, I finally joined the notorious Twitter dot com where I found people talking about my fic unprompted, eager to follow me and like my every random thought.

I can’t say that this process was not without its ups and downs. Fandom has changed, in many ways for the better, since my last engagement with it during the 2013 Supernatural days on Tumblr. While fan friendships are often idealized or demonized, they are pretty much like any other human friendship (okay, maybe a little bit more horny on main). There is potential for amazing connection as well as pettiness. But in a year where many people suddenly had no social spaces that were safe anymore, I’m glad that I found a new line of communication with the world.  

So I kept writing fics for the ship, producing a lot of work that I am genuinely proud of and making connections with other people who enjoyed it enough to leave a comment.

To conclude this section, I was in fandom again. While I had not seriously engaged with a fan community since around 2014, I was back with a vengeance. And I had discovered an important truth about what unlocked my ability to write more than I ever had before: community support.

Not simply the kudos and the views. It was the comments. The discourse. The discussion. To add and contribute my thoughts and ideas to a greater network of thoughts and ideas that fed off of one another.

Often I had seen people complain about there not being enough fanworks for particular media or characters. Now I knew the secret. The comments and the community created the works. If I commented on other people’s fics, the more likely they were to write more. I made a resolution I have tried to keep, to comment on any story that I legitimately enjoyed reading, even if I had no particularly intelligent thing to say about it.

Part 3: A Novel Idea

By late October, I had produced a considering oeuvre for my ship of choice and was enjoying slowing my pace as I planned a few future projects.

Remember, though, how I mentioned not having engaged with fandom for the past 5 years? Well, that didn’t mean I hadn’t been writing.

For the past 4 years, I have won NaNoWriMo and completed 4 novels of over 100k each in length. These projects have been massively fun and improved my confidence with executing stories at the scope that I desire.

And so in November 2020, I settled down to write another novel. November is always a sort of terrible time write a novel if you work in academia, but this year, I had more time than usual. I set out to write a comedy fantasy novel, something mostly lighthearted and full of hijinks in order to pretend away some of the quarantine blues (which by this point were well established in my psyche).

This year in particular, I was reminded that writing a novel is… harder than fanfic. That seems like a very obvious point, but I’d written novels before. Suddenly, though, I was realizing how much a novel requires you to set up the world and the characters, while fanfic can be pretty much all payoff all the time.

While the fanfic flowed in wild creative bursts of energy, the novel required diligence of another sort. I wrote 2,000 words every day for two months. It was a grind. Sometimes, it was a slog. 

And sometimes it just wasn't good. The thing about writing your own novels is that the first draft is way more likely to be not good. You’re balancing a lot and it’s easy to let a few balls that you have in the air drop for a chapter or two, with no recourse but to go back and edit later.

I finished the novel by writing a final speedrun of 6k on new years eve, ending my 2020 with another project under my belt. No one has read it. Not even I have reread it.

I’m still glad that I wrote it. I’ll write another one next year. No one will read that one either.

Sometimes, we write for ourselves and no external validation is necessary.

Part 4: Where are they now?

January of 2021 is somehow now behind me, which is terrifying. I’m still writing. Mostly fanfic, although occasionally I go doodle around with some original ideas that are more conceptual sketches for the next novel.

As for the fanfic, I think I still have a few more good ideas left in me, but  I will probably leave it behind before the year is out. That feels a little bittersweet, a sort of temporary burst of fun and friendship that I wonder if I’ll ever experience again.

Coming to the end of this reflection, I suppose I should make a summative statement about what it all means.

In the end, it might not mean a lot. There are some small takeaways. 

It turns out that encouragement makes you write more! Who knew? Also, more free time makes you write more! Wow!!!!

The point that I think this reflection exercise has shown me, the point that I think matters more than any other, is that writing is a way to process my thoughts. Even if it is through the lens of ridiculous video game fanfic or novels about sad wizards, my writing is my way to make sense of my own mind. 

And sharing that is special. If you share it with online strangers, with your family on Christmas Eve, with your close friend who has become even closer and dearer to you since she let you read her work, or just with your mom (the one personal legally required to read your damn novel if you want to share it). To share writing is to give someone a little peek at your beliefs about the world.

And right now? When we’re still isolated and bored and scared and in desperate need of distraction? Binge some TV, play Nintendo, read a book. Take in other people’s thoughts.

But put down your own somewhere as well. It’s a conversation.

And for once, it’s a conversation that doesn’t have to take place on fucking Zoom.

[milindso]

Sooooo

I went in the fictionkin tag for the first time in a while, and I was, to put it lightly, appalled.

I’m not angry at the “cringey tumblrkin”. I’m angry at the True Real Otherkin Who Take This So Seriously And How Dare People Make A Mockery Of Us. I saw some of the WORST takes.

1. No post blatantly said this, but I saw a few posts that, put together, create this narrative of, “You can miss your old world, but you can’t miss it too much, or else it means you hate the Earth, and you can’t do that uwu You’re here for a reason, this Earth is your home now, you cannot dislike it!!”

Like, listen. I don’t think this world is bad and I do think there is a reason why I came here but I sure as HECK don’t have to like it. This Earth is not my home. Never was, never will be. I am passing through here, and I believe I am returning to my previous world after this life. I’m looking forward to it, and it motivates me to get through some days.

2. Posts on How To Do / Not To Do Soulbonding. Look. With spirits there is no “right” or “wrong” way to communicate with them. Enough with the whole “if they act like [x] then they’re not acting like Real People so they’re either fake, you’re puppeting them (including unintentionally), you’re new and inexperienced and haven’t perfected your discernment, or at worst you’re a predatory creep trying to lure people into a cult”.

Everyone’s spiritual reality is different. Spirits are NOT going to always ascribe to your idea of a Real Person (aka you need to fight / disagree sometimes, they don’t always automatically love you just because they did in a past life, etc.). Like, good for you if your spirits act that way!! But spirits do NOT fit into neat and tidy Valid Spirit Checklists because everyone experiences spirits differently. It will never perfectly line up with someone else no matter how badly you want it to. And it doesn’t mean that the spirit is lying OR that the other person has “bad senses / discernment”. Sometimes it’s just like that

3. I also saw the moldy take that being wrong about your kintype means that you picked up on a “false lead” or that the wrong kintype was a “distraction from finding your true kintype(s)”. Kintypes aren’t a science. They’re an identity. Whether you feel your kintypes are spiritual or psychological in origin, it’s insulting to say that being wrong is some Obstruction In Your Path To Truth. Being wrong about a kintype is part of the learning process and it’s okay to be wrong. It’s not that deep

4. So many cult warnings??? As someone who was part of a cult in the past, I know how scary it is to get caught up in one. But there’s, again, no clear checklist on what is a cult other than it’s an abusive relationship with a religious hat. I know from experience that when you’re in a cult, you don’t think you’re in a cult. You can tell yourself “I know the warning signs, I’ll NEVER join a cult!!” but that’s not true. They catch you unawares. I’m not sure who is being helped with all those “how to spot a cult” posts. 

Also, using the FF7 house as example of How Not To Soulbond / Kin isn’t actually done out of concern and looks more like “Wow, I’m glad I’m not like THEM!”

ALSO also, a LOT of the cult warnings I’ve seen for certain behaviors just looked like an excuse to dunk on “tumblrkin”

5. Blaming the “cringey tumblrkin” as to Why We Aren’t Being Taken Seriously. I’ve seen SO MANY accusations of this. First off, these SAME people will be angry at how otherkin and therians don’t take Real Fictionkin seriously and don’t believe in us and ostracize us, and then they........turn right around and blame the “tumblrkin” for these problems. I’m confused. You don’t want to be told you’re fake and cringey so you call other people fake and cringey??

“tumblrkin” (aka “wishkin”) I don’t always agree with. But they’re NOT malicious 99% of the time (most of that other 1% are trolls). But I think it’s disgusting to blame them for Making A Mockery Out Of Us. Stop using people you personally find cringey as a scapegoat. You are punching down rather than realizing the fact that no matter how much you do that, people will still find us fictionkin cringey. Even if there were 0 “tumblrkin” on the Internet, people will still find something wrong with us. THEY are wrong for being bullies, not the “cringey people stealing our terminology and making us look bad by harassing content creators” or whatever.

6. I also hate the environment that encourages constant grilling on spiritual / kin stuff. This should ONLY be done if someone requests it. Anything other than that is an attempt to weed out the “invalid”, “cringey”, or people you personally deem “predatory”. I have had friends who ascribed to this mindset before. I know that it comes out of a place of fear, shame, and distrust, especially after having been manipulated by a cult-like predator in the past. It comes from wanting to make sure that everyone Takes Spiritual Stuff Seriously because if the astral is real, it’s the same real for anyone. Therefore, anyone who has it different from you is Wrong or a Lying Predator. The mindset then goes that these people need to be corrected or avoided in order to keep everyone safe and on the same reality.

That’s not how the real world works. That’s not how spiritual stuff works. I believe that what everyone experiences spiritually is real to them. There isn’t such thing as “invalid”, only the fact that everyone has a different reality. Basically, everything is real. The only thing I agree on is that, because everyone’s realities are different, you shouldn’t force your own on others. Cult leaders do this and also the grillers do this (no, grillers are NOT cult leaders but its the same idea of wanting multiple people to share your reality). (This, by the way, is why other people cannot know your soulbonds / companions as well as you do, as well as your kintypes).

Being on the receiving end of the grilling, I lived a nightmare. I was constantly anxious and afraid to talk about my spiritual and kin experiences out of fear that I would be scrutinized and condemned as “invalid”. I wanted to live in peace and not feel like I had to hide from certain people who didn’t approve of my beliefs, just because it didn’t match their idea of What Should Be Real. Setting up this neat little criteria list of “how to spot the valid” is damaging and hurtful to others. Ever since I got out of that environment and my friends changed for the better, my mental health has finally been improving and I’ve stopped fearing exploring my own identity and my spiritual life because I feared everything I experienced was fake or that I was cringey and “mocking Real Actual Kin / Spirituals”.....because it didn’t fit every single Valid Criteria

Anyway there’s more but this post is EXTREMELY long. I’m done for now lol

[violexides]

grief and healing: a little ramble

hey.

so, i’m crying right now. but it’s in, like, a happy, cathartic way? and i really wanted to talk about it, even though this is my main and i typically don’t hit on my own emotions here, at least not anymore. because i think, through this messy ramble, there is some kind of take-away here? so, here’s just a little ramble trying to make sense of this all.

two years ago to the day, someone who i wasn’t close to but i knew passed away. i found out about this two years from tomorrow. and, i’m not going to go into detail on that, because it’s a lot and... not strictly pertinent. what i know is that they didn’t pass on in the happiest of ways, and that getting the closure of that entire situation, for myself, was harder than i expected.

and, i really changed as a person, back then. the sunflower i was two years ago is nothing like who i am now. i’m hardly recognizable. and for so long, i told myself that the sunflower i ‘became’ was the bad sunflower, that i had fallen off of some path that got me here, that the person i am now is not someone i could be content with because, how could i be?

and that’s sort of what brings me here, i guess.

last year, exactly one year ago, i was a fucking wreck. i couldn’t make my way through the school day, i was such a goddamn mess, and i told myself, i made a promise to myself, that i wouldn’t forget. and when i told myself that, i thought in my head that this meant, like, every year i am going to tear myself to pieces. that i had to atone, in some way, by doing that.

and, i think that’s something really important to talk about, because in full honesty? i am more okay today than i thought i would be. i had my lows and i had my highs-- and right now, i’m in a high-- but overall, i am okay. and, i was so pissed at myself this morning and yesterday, because how could i be happy when something so horrible happened? did that mean i was forgetting?

and the thing is, i didn’t forget. i still remembered, i still kept it in my mind, i still thought about it moment to moment. but i’m okay. and, and from there i started talking to some friends, and i started thinking.

i’m not the person i thought i would be, and i’m not the best person in truth. there are some flaws in myself that i want to improve upon, some aspects i dislike. but i’m not an awful person. and for so long, i really thought i was, because the day i found out, something like two years ago, i sat on a table in my class and cursed god and started sobbing, and i’ve never felt more lost than i did in that moment.

but, what i sort of came to a bit ago, and why i started crying so much, was that... i’m not in the best of places right now, but i’m not in the worst of them, either. that i, as myself, am worth something. and that maybe, if they could have seen me get to this point, they would have been happy to see me trying to cheer up people, or get the strength to reach out to people i haven’t spoken to in a bit, or work for a mental health activism group to help stop students from finding themselves in the same place they did, two years ago, or just... be proud of me. and the thought that they could be proud of me is the closest thing to closure that i’ll ever get.

i wasn’t there for them. at the end of the day, i wasn’t, and i never came close. but i can still be there for other people. i can still make people smile in the way they always did, when they were still here. and i think that’s important, knowing that i can move on, that i don’t have to forget them to feel okay with myself.

i remember the night that it happened, i laid in bed thinking, something awful is going to happen. and i used to think i was cursed, for thinking that, for ‘knowing’ something i couldn’t have seen coming, couldn’t have anticipated.

but i’m not cursed. i’m someone who lost, and grieved, and did what she could to atone, and got to this place where i realize, now, that i’m doing all that i can. that the past is set behind me, and i need to keep my eyes on the present and the future. i need to protect and care for those i love instead of mourning the person i used to be, or apologizing to the one i lost.

and i wanted to share that to maybe hit on this point. grief lasts a long time, and grief doesn’t look one way or another. but you can get through it, and you can heal, and it isn’t your fault, you aren’t awful for being who you are. and there’s someone out there who cares for you.

this morning, i was consumed by numbness, trying to rationalize why i felt nothing when something so horrible happened years ago. tomorrow, i may be sad. in exactly a year from now, i may cry over this and relapse into grief, and i may do that even when it isn’t an anniversary. 

but that doesn’t mean i lost progress. it just means that i’m a person, trying to make sense of what i went through when i was younger, trying to be as good of a person as i can be, trying to make sure the people i love so, so much are okay. 

you are loved. and, i hate to end this on a tone of desperation, but if you are contemplating suicide, please call the suicide hotline, 1-800-273-8255 for america, but there are hotlines for other countries out there. the world lost one kind soul two years ago. i hope the world doesn’t lose you as well. you are so fucking important, and you make the world the place it is.

the world may be fucked, right now. my life, too, may be fucked. but i’m glad that you’re here in the world, and i’m glad i’m here in my life. and i think, right now, that’s what matters.

i’m not going to conclude this with the assurance that i will always be okay. i know i will have shitty days, that i will look at this in pure confusion, that i will grieve and mourn and scream and break and find, at the end of the day, that i’m not someone to be proud of.

but in this moment, right now? i’m okay. i really, really am.

and that’s what matters to me right now.

--

and. i know they can’t read this. i know that that’s impossible. but.

if they could. if they could. i’d want them to know that i was proud of them, too. and i’m sorry they never got to be older than 12, but. i was proud of them, and i cared about them, and i just hope that, wherever they are, that they’re okay. 

i think that’s all i can hope for, right now. okay-ness.

--

okay. that’s all i had to say. thank you for listening.

[sanderssquip-au]

Broadway - Part 1

"Did you get it!?"  Roman burst excitedly in on a very distracted Thomas.  He held up a small, grey pill and a bottle of mountain dew, nodding.  "Perfect!  This will be brilliant!"

"I dunno, Roman, it seems kinda... sketchy.  What if it doesn't work?  What if-"

"Oh, hush, worrywart, that's just Virgil talking."  He waved dismissively. "You won't get anywhere in life without taking chances!  Just take it so we can see how it works!"

"What's just who talking?"  The anxious side appeared on the stairs, nodding to Roman and then doing a doubletake as he noticed Thomas.  "Woah woah woah.  I thought we agreed that you weren't going anywhere near that and that Roman was a stupid idiot who didn't know any better."

"Virgil, we only agreed on one of those things, but...  I dunno, he can be kind of... persuasive.  You have to admit it sounds kind of cool."

"It's sketchy, untested, undocumented technology in a pill that you got for four hundred bucks in the back of a shoe store.  Yeah, what could go wrong?  Rhetorical question, I know what could go wrong, so let's review: number one-"

Virgil was very rudely interrupted by Logan rising up.  "I agree with Virgil.  Although it would be... fascinating, to see how this complex technology works, the risk of harm to Thomas is too great to ignore."

Roman groaned.  "I thought you, for one, would love the idea of a computer helping you with managing Thomas's health!  I mean, you're basically a robot yourself, I'm sure you'd get along!"

"The brakes, Princey."  Thomas warned, prompting Roman to step back sheepishly.

"I'm sorry!  It's just- I don't see why you're all so against the idea of getting help!  The way it was advertised, this could get us to broadway!  It could make us famous - and- and healthy, to boot, aren't you supposed to like that?"

"Thomas's mental health should not be dependent on a piece of technology."  Janus added, Roman groaning loudly upon his entrance.  "We're doing just fine without it."

"Ha!" Roman scoffed.  "You're only saying that because you're scared you'll be replaced because it'll be better than you!"

"Projection, Roman."  Janus smirked.  Roman had nothing more to say after that.

"I- I think-"  Patton looked to Janus worriedly.  He nodded.  "I think Thomas should try to be, ah, genuine!  And shouldn't- um- have to use it!  At all!"  He hesitated, before quickly adding.  "But if he wants to then I'm not going to stop him."

With that, each of the present sides broke off on their own, mostly very heated tangents and rants, before the mass of voices was broken by Thomas himself.

"GUYS!  I think..." He paused, holding the pill in his hand.  "I think Roman's right.  There isn't any harm in trying, right?"

"Actually-"  Both Virgil and Logan cut in, but were quickly shushed by Roman.

"Go on, Thomas."

"Right.  Well, uh, I think... it could be just what I need, right?  I mean, I haven't been doing too great lately, and I know you all haven't been either, so maybe... maybe it can help?"

He looked to each of the sides in turn.

"Patton?"

"Well, if you think it can help, I'll support you as much as I can."  He gasped.  "Maybe it'll just be like a new friend!"

"Virgil?"

"I still think it's a stupid idea, but whatever."

"Right.  Logan?"

"I suppose it could be... useful, if it works as advertised."

"Janus?"

"I think..." He hesitated, not used to being asked his opinion.  "I think that if you really believe it can help, then go for it.  But... do be cautious.  You don't know how it works, and I don't want you getting hurt."

Thomas smiled encouragingly.  "Of course.  And, Roman, I think we know what-"

"I know it's a lot to ask.  But I'm glad you trust me.  I promise it won't be as bad as some of you are making it out to be."

And with that, Thomas swallowed the pill and took a swig of mountain dew before anyone could change his mind.  

There was a moment of silence.  Anticipation, as Thomas braced himself for anything that could happen.  And then, rushing through his body like a tidal wave, searing pain that knocked him to the floor of his living room screaming.  Virgil ran to his side and cast a deathly glare at Roman, who was standing paralysed in his spot, unable to come up with anything that might help.  Patton and Janus both rushed to comfort Thomas, urging Logan to figure out what was going on, to no avail.

Calibration in process.  Please excuse some mild discomfort.

"What the fuck!?" Virgil screeched, no longer even trying to keep Thomas calm.  "What does that mean!?  What the-"

"Language!" Patton shouted over the top of Thomas's screaming.  "Just- I'm sure everything's alright, just stay calm.  It'll be fine.  It's fine."

The pain halted for a moment.  Patton sighed in relief, putting an arm around Virgil's trembling shoulders.  

"See.  I told you.  It'll be-"

Access procedure complete.

Virgil practically sunk into the father figure's arms, shaking and hyperventilating as Patton tried to calm the poor side down.

Discomfort level may increase.

This time, the shocks manifested in every one of the sides.  Virgil bit his bottom lip and clung to Patton's side, trying his hardest not to scream as Patton hugged him just a little too tight.  Logan managed to remain fairly calm, but Janus - knocked to his knees by the sheer shock and now whimpering quietly and praying that the other sides were too distracted to hear - noticed him shaking as he comforted a screaming Thomas.  Roman was on the floor and shrieking possibly louder than Thomas.  But it passed.

Accessing neural memory.

Accessing muscle memory.

Thomas Sanders.  Welcome to your Super Quantum Unit Intel Processor.

Thomas blinked.  A cloud of static seemed to clear in his head, and he lifted his head up from the carpeted floor, groaning.  A suited figure stood above him, hands behind its back and wearing a bemused expression.  Its eyes were a piercing electric blue, causing Thomas to have to squint to see it properly after having his eyes squeezed shut for so long.  Its hair was fairly short, almost like his own, except... maybe a little fluffier?  And it wore a suit and tie, which he couldn't help but feel fairly intimidated by.  

"Woah... You, uh, you actually... work?"  Thomas managed to get out, still staring, dumbfounded, at the hologram in front of him.  It smirked.  

Correct.  I am a SQUIP model 3.0, slightly outdated but I can assure you that I am in perfect working order. 

The figure looked around curiously at each of the sides in turn. 

But, for the record, your - ah - 'situation' is rather unusual, so please bear with me in the case of anything unexpected.

"Unexpected?"  Virgil butted in, pushing forward and looking the squip dead in the virtual eyes.  "How unexpected?  You aren't gonna - you know - self-destruct in Thomas's head or anything?  Possess his body and kill someone?  Take over the world?  What if-"

The hologram held up a finger to quiet him, looking relatively amused.  Anxiety, correct?

"Virgil.."  He muttered under his breath.

Right.  I can assure you that it is not within my programming to do any of those things.  My prime directive is to assist Thomas in improving his life.  

"See!"  Roman exclaimed triumphantly.  "That's what I said.  He- they-"

He paused and turned to the squip.  "Pronouns?"

It/its.

"Right!  It's going to help us.  I told you it wouldn't be harmful.  Didn't I tell you?"

"We still don't know that..."  Virgil muttered, still sore from the electric shocks.  Patton immediately interrupted, jumping forward and waving excitedly, his eyes lighting up like fairy lights.

"I think it's great!" He squealed.  "You're like another side!  We haven't had a new addition in so long!"

Janus loudly cleared his throat.  

"Okay well maybe that isn't true but still!   I'm Patton by the way.  This is so exciting!  And your eyes are so cool!  And-" he gasped excitedly, dropping his voice to a dramatic whisper.  "I have a robot son."

The squip blinked confusedly.  Thomas shrugged.  "Just... let him adopt you.  It's easier for everyone involved."

It nodded, still very clearly confused, which Virgil laughed at - before immediately cursing himself for getting too comfortable.  Janus smirked from the corner.

"Glad to know it wasn't just me."  He rolled his eyes playfully before stepping up to shake the squip's hand.  It took it.  "Janus.  It's a pleasure."

The sentiment is returned.  It smiled, either unaware of the fact that the snake was looking it up and down like it was a murder suspect or just not caring.  It did, however, give him one glance and nod approvingly.  He raised an eyebrow.  Oh, don't think much of it, I'm just quite impressed by your taste in outfits.  That's all.

"Is that-"

Not sarcasm, no.  I genuinely think you have good taste.

Janus hesitated.  "Thank you..?"

It smiled at him, opening its mouth to speak but being interrupted abruptly by a very confused Logan.

"You're an AI, right?"

Correct.

"You're... incredibly complex for modern technology."

The hologram put a hand to its chest in flattery.  Thank you.

 "It's difficult to imagine that you don't have some ulterior motive," he muttered, speaking at an unusually quick pace that the others recognised as meaning he was confused.  "I mean, of all the possible applications for such mindblowingly advanced technology-"

I'm flattered, Logic.

"Logan.  Surely you can't just be to... assist Thomas.  There has to be something you're hiding."

On the contrary, my objective is rather transparent.  It's just whatever Thomas wants it to be.  After all, isn't the overall purpose of AI to improve the life of humans?

Logan nodded, still muttering under his breath but too low for anybody to hear.  This time, it was Roman's turn to speak.

"So... you're essentially one of us, right?"

The squip processed that for a moment.  I don't believe so.  Although our purposes are extremely similar.

"Good enough for me!"  He proclaimed, over the sound of Janus scoffing.  "As long as you're here for the good of Thomas - and so long as you can do what your advertisers promised - you're alright in my books."  

I assure you that you won't be disappointed, ah-

It raised an eyebrow.

"Prince Roman."  He grinned, taking a small bow.  His face lit up when it returned the gesture.   "I look forward to working with you.  Let's get him to broadway."

[taehyungiestummy]

Stuck -- Chapter One

Masterlist     Next

Word Count: 3520

           “This is it,” I bounce on the balls of my feet. “We are finally in line for our last trip to take us to our boys. I am going to lose it.”

           Emily chuckles, “You were not this excited when we graduated, which is kind of surprising. The plane ride isn’t as important as finishing school, so we never have to come back here. Unless with the boys.”

           “Graduation is the reason we had to wait two weeks after our normal date to fly over to the city we belong,” I fix my glasses that have slid down my nose.

           “When you put it that way, I can understand your feelings. However, we are going to be spending the rest of our lives with them,” she tugs me forward as the security line moves.

           “Eh,” I shrug. “Still, I had to wait even longer than last year to see the love of my life.”

           “Oh, don’t get gushy now,” she chuckles. “We are going to see them very soon. Keep it together.”

           “I will,” I adjust the straps of my backpack, so my shoulders won’t be sore. “I just, he’s the love of my life, and I am going to spend so much time with him. It’s finally sinking in.”

           “You are so cute,” Emily ruffles my hair. “How can you be so cute?”

           “It’s just luck,” I giggle, swatting her hand away and fixing my hair. “Tae may also be rubbing off on me. He is overly cute at times.”

           “That’s his whole deal,” Emily motions for me to see that we are almost to the front of the line.

           “He’s the cute one, I know.”

           “Last year, I remember we talked about our looks, but I don’t think much has changed since then. I have a tad more purple in my hair, and that’s it.”

           “I wear my glasses more than not to please Yoongi and Taehyung. The blue in my hair is a richer shade and more prominent. It is crazy how one year can change a ton, and the next not so much.”

           “As is life,” she places her backpack on the conveyor belt.

           I follow, and am glad that we were the lucky group that were able to keep their shoes on. It makes this process go boy just slightly faster, but it is so satisfying because then it doesn’t feel like such an eternity.

           “Finally, now we can get to our gate,” I sigh, falling into a good pace next to Emily.

           “Do you think our parents believed us when we said we won’t be coming home?” Emily asks.

           “We mailed boxes of our things to Nari. We left objects of ours that we can replace or don’t want behind in their houses. They must know we are serious. There’s nothing left for us here.”

           “Our graduation party was like a goodbye party as well. Some of the people that came we won’t see for a long time. Really, all of them.”

           “We can Skype, but that probably won’t happen often. People get busy. We’ll be busy.”

           “Skype dates will be a thing of the past. We will always go on real life dates from now on,” she grabs my arm and pulls me towards our gate.

           “They were fun, but I like dates where we can kiss. Gah, I want to kiss Tae so bad,” I fore myself to push all thoughts of Taehyung’s lips out of my mind.

           “I didn’t kiss Namjoon nearly as much as you kissed Taehyung, and being away from him I wished I had.”

           “You can make up for it in a few days,”  I pat her upper arm. “he probably regrets not kissing you, and is going to fix it when the two of you reunite.”

           “How are you feeling about the topic of marriage now?”

           I take in a slow breath, “You know, I’m good. It doesn’t freak me out. I love Taehyung more than anyone, and I want to be his wife. I want him to be my husband.”

           “Truly the cutest couple in this whole world. You two will be beyond happily married. It needs to happen soon.”

           “Oh, no, not soon,” I walk us over to our gate. “A few years, maybe. I’m still quite young.”

           “He is the love of your life,” she pokes my side as we take a seat. “You work with him now, so you’ll be with him all the time. You are practically married already.”

           “You need a job,” I smile, bringing my hand up to touch the infinity sigh necklace Taehyung gifted to me for my birthday last year. “Has Nari found anything?”

           “Not yet,” Emily sighs. “I’m sure something will pop up soon. At least by the end of the summer.”

           “I’m sure it will. Everything will fall into place when it is meant to.”

           “That is very true,” she pats my hand. “That’s how we should live our lives.”

           “I want to board soon because I have emails to send,” I chew on my bottom lip for a second. “And we have to discuss surprising the boys at their last fan sigh before coming home for a bit. I can’t wait to go to some new countries. I like traveling with the boys. No matter how tired it makes me.”

           “It does wear you down. Last year you had a few meltdowns, and I think they were due to being so tired.”

           “Yeah, that had a lot to do with it. And then my mental health had a dip.”

           “You’ve been on a high for some months now, so hopefully that keeps going.”

           “It should, when we get where we belong,” I smile. “I can’t wait to see how they react to seeing us at the fan sigh.”

           “Calling it now, you will cry. Not bawling, but you will shed a few tears.”

           “Probably. I’ll be so happy that it will be the only thing I can do.”

           “Are you going to make Taehyung watch baseball with you?”

           “Hell yeah. This is the Cubs year. I will pay so our TV plays all of their games.”

           “Oh my, gosh. That’s right. You and Taehyung are moving in together. I had forgotten.”

           I grip the bottom of my t-shirt. “It’s pretty crazy, but it will be so good for me. Tae will be the best roommate.”

           “Your apartment will always be filled with love. Even more so when you get your two dogs.”

           “I can’t wait to get two puppies.” I giggle. “All that’s important is that we save them.”

           “A kind soul. You always try to look out for others.”

           I shrug, “When you grow up how I did, you learn to give others what they need. It helps me get over being raised by my siblings, and a warmth spreads through my heart when I help others.”

           Emily opens her mouth to reply, but is interrupted by the lady over the intercom, “Now boarding the flight to Seoul, South Korea.”

           “That’s us,” I slowly stand up, feeling a rush of nerves run through me.

           “You okay? You look sick,” Emily stands up and places her hand on my forehead.

           “I’m fine,” I take in a breath. “I just can’t believe it. We are finally going home. Two years ago, when we made the first trip over, I didn’t think much would come out of it. Now, I can’t imagine my life anywhere else but in Seoul. With you, and Nari, and all the boys. I just want to be home.”

           Emily has pulled her hand away and is smiling at me with an unending amount of love. “Let’s get in line to board this place. You seem to be homesick, and so am I.”

********

           “Vernon is such a sweet boy,” I smile as I send the email to him. “I’m so glad I could help him and become his friend in the process.”

           “Did he get the girl?” Emily takes a sip of her Sprite.

           “He did,” I giggle. “Oh my, I was a wingman. Sort of.”

           “What was her hesitation to date a super cute boy?”

           “The fact that he’s an up and coming idol, and so many people know who he is. She likes her privacy, which is totally understandable. However, he’s her best friend. She couldn’t deny the feelings forever.”

           “How did you convince her?”

           “I didn’t, Vernon did. I just gave him some helpful tips. Like, he’s still the dork that talked to her the first day of school, and being an idol shouldn’t keep them apart. Simple stuff, really.”

           “I bet he wants to thank you personally,” Emily gently pinches my cheek. “I bet you want to talk to him in person.”

           I feel my cheeks barely heat up, “Well, yeah, I’d love to talk to him. He’s in one of the first groups we looked up, and the one we stuck with. We were with them when they had more members than they do now. Before they even had any music out. From the very beginning.”

           “That is true. They’ve been through a lot, too.”

           “Enough about those cute Asian boys, though,” I close my laptop. “Taehyung got a role in a drama, and I’ve never been so happy or excited for him. Filming is done, but he said that his is just the beginning.”

           “When the drama comes out, we will have to watch it together. All of us. Taehyung deserves it.”

           “It doesn’t come out until December, so remember that. I’d love to have a weekly get together to support my babe.”

           “Has he told you anything about it?”

           “Not much,” I slip my laptop into my backpack. “Just that it is set a few hundred years in the past, and his character is just like him. Plus, a few pictures of him in costume. He looks to damn good with long hair.”

           “Joonie hasn’t been up to much like your boyfriend,” Emily chuckles. “Just song writing. He says the new album, with an October projected release, is the best yet. They barely have half the songs written, and like nothing recorded.”

           “Then we will be blown away if they have that much faith. The last few albums have been pretty good. I am looking forward to whatever they come up with.”

           “How is Yoongi coming along with his mixtape? Is he going to drop it soon?”

           I chuckle, “He’s almost done, I think. He’s a perfectionist, so it could still be a while. Besides, he really wants me to sing on it, and won’t drop it until I do.”

           “You’ll do great. You’re singing has improved so much, and it sounds so lovely now. Yoongi wouldn’t ask you to do it if he didn’t think you were capable.”

           I give her a slightly shove. “Thanks for that. I had so many Skype singing lessons, so I hope I would be kind of good.”

           “I’m so glad you are more positive about yourself. I know it was hard to go from brining yourself down to picking yourself up, but I am so proud of you.”

           “Thanks to Tae and Yoongi,” I slightly smile. “Really, all the boys. You got the ball rolling, though. You’ve always been so positive for me.”

           “Anything for my best friend,” she ruffles my hair.

           I yawn, sliding down in my seat. “Man, I need to take a nap. I am beat. A few hours before the plane, which is just enough time for a good sleep.”

           “Nope, we still have to talk about what we are going to do at the meet and greet.”

           I close my eyes and sigh, “Fine. Um, we have to dress so our faces are hidden, so the boys don’t know it is us right away. I also don’t want many of the other fans to know it is us and ruin the surprise. I’m out for all the world to see.”

           “So we just stand in line like normal ARMY’s? Are we bringing gifts?”

           “Eh, if we go shopping tomorrow, then yes. I don’t think it will matter. Won’t we be gift enough?” I smirk.

           Emily chuckles, “I guess so. I’ve been meaning to ask how being public has been. Namjoon has made it clear that he has a girlfriend, but not that it’s me. My face, name, almost everything is still hidden.”

           I slowly open my eyes, titling my head so I can look at my best friend. “Big Hit made sure most of my private life stayed as that. Private. But, I felt like ARMY deserved to know a little bit about me, so I let Tae post a few pictures of him and I on their Twitter. Then I just gave my Twitter out.”

           “That’s why you have so many more followers. ARMY actually followed you. Are they nice?”

           “Mostly, yeah,” I yawn, pushing myself to sit up in my seat. “I don’t look at comments and such too much. The boys get hate, and I must get some too. I’d rather not risk it.”

           “I understand. Taehyung might see it.”

           “He does,” I fix my glasses that threaten to fall down my nose. He told me about it recently. It’s not much, just jealous people. Tae said it doesn’t matter. He will always love me.” My eyes flutter close. “It hurts him, though. Knowing people don’t accept me for who I am. They don’t understand that he’s found his soulmate, and nothing, no amount of hateful words can tear us apart.”

           “Not everyone was bound to be happy, but hate is never called for. You two will be able to push past it. It will never break you up.”

           “I know. It just sucks to know people took time to hate on me, on him, on the others,” I sigh. “I really need to sleep before I burst into tears. I’m going to cry if we keep talking about this.”

           “Sleep tight, Amber. I’ll wake you up before we land.”

********

           “We made it,” I groan, my back still tense as we wait for our luggage. “My back is happy,” I sigh as I reach for the ceiling and feel my muscles begin to relax.

           “I’m glad to be back in Korea,” Emily smiles as the luggage conveyor belt starts up. “I guess that means we should switch to Korean now.”

           “It was fun being able to talk to each other at school and no one knew what we were talking about,” I fall into my Korean tongue with great east. “The looks on the first day when we did it. I’ll never forget.”

           “They finally believed us,” Emily points to our suitcases coming our way. “But, I’m glad to leave them all in the States.”

           “And in the past,” I smirk.

           The two of us walk over and grab our one suitcase each before walking away from the conveyor belt. I’m the one who takes the lead to get us to the exit.

           “I was thinking, when we travel with the boys now, since they are much more popular, airports will be full of people trying to see the boys. It will be crazy,” I run a hand through my hair.

           “Sunglasses and face masks, that will be how we keep hidden. The boys will be very protective of us. They won’t let us go until we are on the plane.”

           “Or they will never let us go. Tae likes to be touching me in some way. He’s very cuddly. I missed that the most. Next to kisses.”

           “When you move in together, you’ll get all the cuddles, snuggles, kisses, anything you want, all the time.”

           “I’m excited for it. Tae said our apartment is really cute. The place allows pets, which was a must. We will be such a happy family,” I force the smile to stay off my face, but the right corner of my mouth pulls up just slightly.

           “The cutest family. Your dogs will be so loved,” Emily grabs my hand. “He has decorated the space, yes?”

           “Yes, with the basics. Bed, TV, video game consoles, couch, and all that. All my stuff will fit into it easily. He wants to combine our stuffed animal collections.”

           “It will be so big,” she chuckles. “That’s really cute, and shows that you share things now. It’s no longer one, it is both of you as one. If that makes sense.”

           “It is us now,” I begin to scan the area for Nari as we are almost to the exit. “I like it,” I feel my necklace bounce around. “Do you see Nari?”

           “Um,” Emily begins looking around with me. “Oh, I think I spot a sign with our names.” She releases my hand to point at the spot.

           I look over to where Emily is pointing, and a flash of nostalgia washes over me.

           Nari is standing with a simple piece of white paper that reads ‘Amber and Emily from America.’ Just like it was two years ago, and I know she did it on purpose.

           Emily and I pick up our pace, reaching Nari in the next few seconds. All three of us can’t get the smiles off our faces.

           “Oh girls, it is nice to see you,” Nari lowers the paper. “I have been counting down the days for months, and I am so glad you are here.”

           “For life,” I nod. “We told our parents our plan, but how much they understood and truly believed is not clear.”

           “But we are here to stay,” Emily takes over for me. “We can’t leave our boys again. It would be too much. Amber had such a bad few months when we first got back this time, and I never want to see that again.”

           “I can’t do that again,” I mess with my glasses. “I just can’t. I am not leaving Taehyung ever again like that. We will be together for the rest of our lives.”

           “That’s cute,” Nari pokes my nose. “Speaking of being together, Taehyung picked up the boxes you sent over. They are probably just sitting in your apartment, waiting for you.”

           “That’s crazy. My apartment. I didn’t pay for it, but I can now. I don’t want Tae to worry about all the bills. That would be selfish of me.”

           “You work at Big Hit now, so the two of you can handle it.”

           “I’m sure. I also have money in the bank I’ve been saving for a while. We should be good for a long time.”

           “You may have to dog sit, Nari,” Emily chuckles. “You know the cutest couple want some doggies.”

           “Yes, I will do that,” Nari giggles. “Traveling will be crazy, and long days at the studio.”

           “I can do it during the day,” Emily says. “I still have to find a job.”

           “It will happen when it is meant to happen,” I bite my bottom lip. “Oh, Nari, how is Jin-oppa?”

           “Jinnie is good,” Nari nods a few times. “He actually moved in with me. A few months ago now, and it ahs been wonderful. He still stays at the dorms when needed, but we communicate so we can see each other and all that good stuff. It has been nice. Having him around at night, and when I wake up. We cook as often as we can together. It is fun having him for a roommate, and he has paid rent, so that’s a plus. I would love him anyways, but helping with financial stuff is nice.”

           “That’s awesome,” Emily shuffles around. “Now I’ll be your other roommate. That will be so much fun. I’ll try to stay out of your way.”

           “Ah, you and Namjoon aren’t up to the living together level yet,” Nari pats Emily’s shoulder. “Both of you couldn’t move out at once anyways. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

           I giggle, “I’ll come over as much as I can, or you can come over to my place. I love you, Nari. You made so much possible. Besides, I’m staying over tonight.”

           “True, true,” Nari says. “Are you excited to ride the train in a few days?”

           “Yes, I love the train. It is so much fun. Tae and I had a lot of fun last year when we took it to visit his family.”

           “I’ve never ridden on a train before, so I am excited for it,” Emily answers. “I just want to see Namjoon.”

           “Of course,” Nari bobs her head a few times. “It has been another nine months, almost ten this time around. They probably want to see you just as much. One more day.”

           “Can we just get back to your apartment and eat something?” I yawn, my legs beginning to cramp. “My feet are hurting, and it has been such a long day.”

           “Yeah, I agree,” Emily yawns, stretching out her back. “Plane rides are so draining. Going to have to get used to it, though.”

           “Traveling will be a big part of our lives very soon,” I rub my eyes, fixing my glasses right after. “So let’s get some rest in now while we can still help it.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Holy crap! I am so excited to get this story started! For now, expect a chapter each Friday until I am finished with this Spring Semester, and then I will figure out what days a chapter will go up. Anyways, thank you so much for reading. I hope you enjoyed, and I would love to know what you thought! Moodboards of the girls will be going up soon. :D

[thepropertylovers]

Feature Friday with Rowyn Mottershead

Happy Friday! Any plans this weekend? Middle kiddo R started school today (yay!), something we’ve been hoping would be able to happen for a while now. His brother and sister are already enrolled in school and he was feeling a little left out, so we’re all thrilled he’ll be able to finally go now, too.

Today’s Feature Friday is a special one. Rowyn has a beautiful, important story to share, and his words on life, love, and self-acceptance ring true no matter what stage of life you’re in. We loved getting to know Rowyn and we think you will, too. See what we mean below…

On the beauty of a road trip: My favourite place I have travelled to is Colorado, it was on a road trip with my fiancé last year. He is American and I am British so it blew my mind to see the vast land and untouched beauty of the states. We drove through Arkansas, Oklahoma, New Mexico and Colorado, each state with it own unique character and landmarks. I’ll never forget it and it motivates me to move out to the USA once I am married to my partner.

On a fortunate upbringing: I grew up in a small market town in the south of England. The area is conservative in attitudes but with accepting values, I didn’t know any LGBT people growing up but still I knew my family would love me regardless of my identity. I had a privileged middle-class upbringing and I’m thankful for the education and opportunities it brought me. I picked up learning piano and bass guitar when I was 10 years old and went on to pour all my energy into creative outlets. Most of my family were never concerned at this unconventional artistic focus and encouraged me to improve my music, art, food, films, whatever took my fancy. This lead me to where I am today in my multi-disciplined career as a musician, filmmaker and professional chef. 

On the influence of family to succeed: I come from an accomplished family so that made me very ambitious, my grandfather is a world-renowned theatre engineer and choir singer and he made it clear to me that I should always follow my passion and drive to find success rather than following money. Growing up with the expectation to succeed used to scare me a lot but now it fuels the confidence I have in my abilities. I had access to instruments and equipment that meant I had the building blocks for my skills from a young age, again I have privilege to thank for this. 

“Correcting people can be exhausting and unrewarding work, so really I also learnt that the people who really care about you the most, will do that emotional labour on your behalf…”

On an unexpected, impressive skill: I learnt to solve Rubik’s cubes when I was 12 years old, I can now solve a 5x5x5 cube in 10 minutes and a 3x3x3 cube in less than 2 minutes. In the past I have won bets on the basis of this skill because people tend not to believe me when I tell them I can do this! Never underestimate the power of someone with good memory and good dexterity!

On what he loves about himself: My patience and dedication to any cause I care about. I’ve always gotten satisfaction out of a good job done well, as well as excelling people’s expectations. I can multitask and keep track of my work so that I don’t get overwhelmed, which is a very useful skill in the kitchen at my job as a full time sushi chef! I love that I have a job that I’m very good at and that I enjoy very much. On a physical level, I love my naturally honey coloured hair :)

On what brings him joy in life: Wow there are so many possible answers for this. My passions that I have worked on the longest is my songwriting. I have explored myself and my life through lyrics and melody for nearly 20 years and it’s an incredibly important part of my life. I also find a lot of happiness in activities dancing, skating, swimming and hiking, as well of course as spending time with my fiancé, Liam. My three pet rats would also be high on that list!

On being open to who he is: I came out as transgender in 2013 when I was 16 years old, I had left school and met new friends at college so I transitioned smoothly into a masculine role at that time. However I found myself coming out again at 22 as a gay man, as I had found myself for the last 6 years being viewed as a bisexual androgynous mystery. I wanted to clarify how I felt but I felt some level of shame being both a ‘failed woman’ as a trans man and a ‘failed man’ as a gay man. I’m still working on this internalised homophobia and cisnormativity and I’m glad to be finally open about who I am.

On the importance of support: My family are very close and never stopped loving me or viewed me any differently. The adjustment to my new name and pronouns however took years for some people, especially my Dad, but they never stopped me from doing what I wanted. 7 years into my life as Rowyn, I think they recognise that this was the best decision for me, and we have never looked back. Most of the other people in my life these days have no idea who I was before I transitioned, and I would like to keep it that way. I faced some criticism in 2013 because transgenderism was not mainstream knowledge as it is today, I spent a lot of time educating people and explaining that no, this is not just because I wear my hair short and don’t like skirts, it’s a lot deeper than that.

On a learned lesson: I learnt that gender and sexuality is not straightforward, that it can be felt and perceived in many different ways. I had people close to me say that they will always view me as female and I had people I barely knew saying they had always felt a male energy from me. I had people assume I would fall in love with a woman and people assume that I had no sexual desires at all. I learnt that coming out is something you have to do over and over again, especially as a trans person who gets misgendered. Correcting people can be exhausting and unrewarding work, so really I also learnt that the people who really care about you the most, will do that emotional labour on your behalf, correcting friends and family in private to make your life easier. 

On his advice to today’s LGBTQ youth: I would say it is impossible to live your life on other people’s terms. Even if your family struggle to understand or accept your identity, you will only find happiness by being true to yourself. There are so many people out there who will love you exactly the way you are so if those people aren’t surrounding you, do your best to move into spaces where you will be supported. The people that mind don’t matter and the people that matter don’t mind. Obviously some people don’t have the opportunity to escape certain situations, but you can always reach out online to find like-minded people and realise you are not alone and you are not ‘freakish’, you are just your own variety of normal, and that is beautiful :)

“Life gets good when you stop waiting for the right time and seize the moment”

On the decision to finally start living life the way he wanted: Medical transition felt like a deep dark well of impossibility for many years. When I was 16 my parents decided I was too young for it and told me to wait until I was ‘ready’... well I felt I was ready at 16... so I then spent years waiting for anything to cement itself further so I could take the next step. But nothing changed, I went to university, continued living with physical discomfort and daily misgendering. I lost track of my mental health, slipped into an unhealthy relationship, somehow graduated on time at 21 and realised that I was still no closer to hormones and surgery and being ‘male’ then I was 5 years ago. At this point I decided to pay for private treatment so I could finally start living my life and overcome this burden of dysphoria. I’m so glad I did this and finally took control of my life. I had top surgery 6 months ago (at great expense) and the pay-off of anticipation was so worth it. Just being able to feel the fabric of a shirt on my back and the flatness of my chest feels like overcoming  the biggest obstacle I have ever faced.

On his biggest inspirations: In my daily life- my fiancé Liam [is my biggest inspiration]. He has incredible physical and mental stamina, he can run many miles at a time and write thousands of words in one sitting, and always has energy spare to shower me in love. In my professional life- my friend and collaborator Fox Fisher who has worked tirelessly over the past 8 years to make their content by and for the trans community. And in my musical life- singer/songwriter Orla Gartland who I have been following on YouTube for about 10 years. She is roughly the same age as me and has written countless incredible songs about very raw emotional experiences. Seeing us both grow as musicians over the years has brought me a lot pride and strength. 

On looking forward to the future: Married to Liam and probably living in the state of Arkansas where Liam is from. I hope to be running my own kitchen with a sustainable and vegetarian menu. I hope to be living on a homestead where we grow our own food and keep our own livestock. I hope to have employees that care as much about the food and the planet as I do. I hope to have time in the evenings to play music with my husband and laugh with friends. I hope to have some cute pets, as a stepping stone to starting my own family with Liam. Above all of course, I hope to be happy. 

On the power of believing in yourself: Life gets good when you stop waiting for the right time and seize the moment; whether it be proposing to the man of your dreams, furthering your skill set, taking small steps to fulfil your personal goals, or just taking a walk outside in the sunshine. Whatever you do to make a moment your own will be meaningful, will be something to look back on and be proud of. From being a confused depressed teenager to being an accomplished chef with a future husband and a transitioned body, only took a few years of hard work and positive thinking, and all it /really/ took was the belief in myself to succeed.

Thank you so much, Rowyn! You can follow him on Instagram here. Have a wonderful weekend, y’all!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #235

“the monster you made is wearing the crown; i’ll be the king and you be the clown.”

What is your favorite move franchise? The Lion King. What was the last fast food you ate? I had a hot dog from Sonic and one of those pretzel twists things. What is the saddest book you’ve ever read? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Do you prefer heroes or villains? Villains. Duh. They're like, always more interesting. What is something you think is overrated? Uhhh coffee, for one. But like what you like. What political cause are you most passionate about? Gay rights. What country would you most like to visit? South Africa. Have you ever considered having children? Literally the only period where I wanted kids was later into Jason's and my relationship. Hell, I wanted three while he was always like "onLY TWO." Now, I don't want a single one, ever. I would be an awful mother for many reasons. If you ever took field trips as a child, which was your favorite? The zoo with Dad, my then-best friend, and her mom. One and only time I've seen meerkats. I was so excited I almost cried. Do you have any weird family traditions? It's not like, a tradition, I think, but we have a unique thing where saying "I love you mostest period" is something Mom, Dad, and my sisters have used for all my life. It's a way of saying "I love you more than you could ever love me, no arguments." Now Sara's been dragged into it lmao. Have you ever considered acting? Nope. Who was the last person you slept next to? Sara. Do you think you can be in love and still cheat on your S.O.? You can't "be in love" with a person and fucking cheat on them, no. Do you subscribe to any streaming services? We have Netflix. Idk about anything else. Have you ever been in a physical fight? No. What is the most embarrassing thing anyone has on video of you? I don't even wanna know. Did you ever get lost as a child? Yep, in a Wal-Mart lmao. This old lady helped me find my fam. What is your favorite condiment? Honey mustard. Or ketchup. Depends. Have you ever had an existential crisis? Very surprisingly, not really. Do you like country music? Begone, demon. It's still so weird to me that I loved it as a kid, but I really just grew up with it. What color are the eyes of the person you love? Brown. What is your favorite kind of flower? I looooove orchids. What town were you born in? Not the best thing to share on the Internet, eh? Do you know how to play any card games? I only vaguely understood/understand Magic: The Gathering. It's honestly really fun, but very complex in rules. It was Jason's thing so he got me into it. I miss my PS3 working because I used to have the "Duels of the Planeswalkers" on there, and doing it digitally is much easier and helpful. I loved it mostly because the art is fucking incredible. It was an old little aspiration to wind up designing the art some day and I don't think I ever saw Jason more excited. What is something about your childhood that you miss? Being more into video games than I am now alskdjf;awe. I'm more of a viewer of let's plays now than an active gamer; meanwhile, as a kid, video games were my favorite things in the world. Did you ever have MySpace? Do you miss those days? Yeah, I had one. Honestly though I can barely remember it (other than the song on my page was "Pocketful of Sunshime" lmaooooo as well meerkat-flooded), so it doesn't matter. What is the best television show you’ve ever watched? Meerkat Manor is my favorite show of all time, but as a proper show could have been better. AP made up their own shit and deviated from the KMP facts A LOT (guess what: Mozart killed a competitor's litter before; not exactly MM's her, right?), and not only was that confusing, but just annoying. Give me the real shit; don't just tweak stuff for dramatic effect. I could list a novel of lies in the series. Now, what I feel is the best show without a meerkat bias and just has an overall good plot. I kinda wanna say Supernatural, but the boys dying five million times got old. Possibly Fullmetal Alchemist. Are there any songs you can’t listen to because they bring back memories? I 110% refuse to hear "Stairway to Heaven." Have you ever saved someone’s life? Funny this is brought up after recent events. My sweetheart online bud had a cerebral aneurysm while having an extremely difficult time talking to me, and no one was home quite yet. Her final message was concerning and she didn't reply to me for a while, so I wound up messaging her again after a bit, and her boyfriend heard the b.net notification sound. Saw it was me and asked what was up. Told him, and he figured out she wasn't sleeping on the couch, she was passed out. He told me he never would have known if I hadn't said something. So does that count, even though I didn't like, physically save her? Have you ever broken any major bones? No. Are there any websites you’ve used for over 10 years? Good question? Idk. WAIT HOLD THE FUCK UP, KM's 10th birthday is coming up real soon. Wow. I know YouTube has been much longer. Idr when I joined deviantART. Maybe there's more, I dunno. Do you have any siblings? If so, what are their ages? My two immediate are 22 (ew) and 26 (double ew). Anything exciting taking place today? No, today was A N X I E T Y !! ! ! !! !! What are you craving? Okay so I have been MEGA in "the mood" lately and it's frustrating especially because I don't masturbate so I have like nO OUTLET. Who did you last hit? Nobody saving for when I was a kid repeatedly slapped my sister's arm for doing something I don't remember. How do you do in school? It depends on the subject, but in anything, I am a MASSIVE procrastinator, and I need to fix that. Schoolwork, good good, homework in the library, good good, but when I'm at home, I cannot seem to convince myself to work. As Sara puts it, home is like my "safe" place, and I don't want to bring school into it. Adjusting to school life again after like... two whole years or so of doing NOTHING at all, almost every day all day, is very difficult. I'm SO glad I picked school again, it's just a lot for a person who was so isolated and void of responsibilities to get used to. What’s your biggest goal? Right now, continue to improve my mental health. Fight social anxiety and AvPD. Who have you texted today? Just Sara. Who do you aspire to be like when you grow up? In most ways, especially in kindness, wisdom, relentless determination, passion, creativity, etc. etc. etc. etc., Mark. I think it's obvious he's Role-Model #1. I would loooove to be like Jane Goddall and Steve Irwin, too, feeling with such ferocious potency for animals and how they should be respected and loved. UM AND ALSO, EUGENIA COONEY IS THE SWEETEST PERSON ON THE ENTIRE GODDAMN EARTH AND I WOULD LOVE TO BE AS FRIENDLY AND PRECIOUS AS SHE IS. Oh, and then there's Shane Dawson. I relate to him SO much. He is the most selfless angel that seems SO down-to-earth and relatable as hell. I feel like he could be like, my best friend. Ahhhhhhh there are so many more, I love talking about my inspirations, but I'll chill here. Do you know if you want to go to college or not? I'm in college right now, and I desperately want it to stay that way. I'm fucking going somewhere in my life, and the education it provides will bring me closer to that. College is far from mandatory for everyone, but I feel it is beneficial for me. Do you like grapefruits? I haven't had one in a LONG time, so I don't really remember how they taste. I just know sour. What do you think of guys who wear eyeliner? *drools in Darkiplier* the fuck do you think Do you like online games? Only World of Warcraft, really. Who’s one person you care about more than yourself? Okay, real talk, and I hope this is everybody's answer. No one. I'm putting my goddamn self and my mental peace first for the rest of my life. Are there any pets you’re wishing for? I want another ball python. When’s the last time you used hand sanitizer? Two days ago when Mom and I stopped somewhere to eat. Wearing anything that isn’t yours? No. What type of bread did you use on the last sandwich you made? White. How many doors are in your house? Uhhh six. What was the last compliment you received, that made you smile? Sara said she was really proud of me, and to me, that's one of the biggest compliments you CAN give me. Think you need to lose weight? How much? ugh When was the last time you watched a VHS movie? I don't have a clue. We kept our VHS longer than most, though. We had too many movies on it. What event would you go back in time to see, if you could? Ummmm I dunno. Do you remember the last thing you said you wanted? To hug Sara. Who was the last friend you hung out with&what’d you do together? Sara stayed for a week. We did a lot. Who is the person, other than a spouse, that you are closest to? Sara. If you watched it, who was your favorite Hey Arnold! character? Oh my god, I hated that stupid show, but one of my sisters liked it. Have any good school pictures? or do they all just suck? There is literally ONE picture from elementary school where I think I looked pretty. Do you like trying on clothes or not? & Why? NO. I try to avoid it if I can. It's just annoying to change clothes for like five seconds. What are your thoughts on marriage? It's sweet, but I've come to find it... kinda needless for the most part? Like I know it has financial pluses and the symbolism is beautiful, but it's just that: symbolism originating from fantasies (imo, don't scream at me). It only adds pressure to stay in a dying relationship and makes splitting much more complicated. BUT, even with all that said, I personally want to get married someday, but only if I am *sure* about this person. It's the symbolism I like. That and it's so ingrained into my head that that's the "end goal" of relationships, so I'm pretty much just conditioned to want it. How long have you lived in the current place you’re living? Two years. Do you plan on moving anytime soon, if so where? I want to, but I am not in the financial position or at a level of independence where I'm ready for that. Are you more of a follower, or a leader? Be honest. This may alter with the situation, but mostly, I'm definitely a follower. Are your dreams/nightmares in black&white or color? I've heard of this condition before and it really intrigues me. I dream in color. Have you ever wanted to be some sort of hero outside of video games? I mean, define "hero." Like an action superhero in a literal way, nooooo. I'd die on Day #1, lmao. As a hero/inspiration as a person, of course; who doesn't? Will you admit that you’re at least somewhat superficial? I mean, probably in some places? How often do you go to the mall closest to you? Almost never ever. Our mall sucks and has experienced too many shootings. Do you still count with your fingers, even if only every so often? Yep. Like, always. Have you ever gone on a road trip with just friends? No. Well, I went to the beach with my friend and her mom, but just for a day or two because my separation anxiety from Mom got too bad oof. Without trying, do you act differently around different friends? Depends on the friend. I don't "fake it," just how reserved I am can move around. What was the last thing you drew/wrote on your own or someone else's skin? Probably a butterfly on my wrists when I was actively part of the Butterfly Project community. The last time you spent money, what was it on & how much did you spend? $1.25 for a drink at school. What’s the most money you’ve ever spent on one piece of clothing? Idk, but definitely not a lot. In elementary school, were you more of the bully or the bullied? Thankfully, neither. Do you like when a spouse is clingy, or can you not stand that? I'm sure to a certain degree it would be annoying, but for the most part, hell, I think it's attractive. Especially since I NEED validation you like me. How much do you say you walk in a week outside of school &/or work? Just around my house if you exclude school. Is there anything you wish your parents did differently in raising you? I wish they'd given us chores. Wish Mom didn't spank us. What would you do if the last person you texted asked you out? Lol yo we JUST broke up like an hour ago. We're not ready to get back together yet, obviously. Don't worry a bit, we're both cool. Still best friends, even. To compress a long story, needed personal growth and distance have brought us to returning to just friends. For now, at least. Have you ever received a scholarship? I think so... but not like a huge one, I believe. Who was the last person who got frustrated with you? Most likely Mom. When was the last time you mopped your kitchen floor? I myself have never mopped it. Or maybe once. What is your favorite work of art? I mentioned the Denialism painting in my last survey. What was the last appointment or plan you had to cancel? Plan, my next one with my psychiatrist. What spur-of-the-moment decision that you’ve made has had the biggest impact on your life? I don't know if any have truly changed my life. The ones that did (that I remember) were pondered over. Do you know anyone who is (or has been) a refugee? I don't think so, What is your best friend’s worst habit? She doesn't have faith in herself for ANYTHING lj;ljalwie Do you like spinach and artichoke dip? alksd;fjwei no Have you ever felt like you were about to pass out, but didn’t? Yep, a couple times. What was the name of one of your childhood imaginary friends? I didn't have any. What’s your favorite phase of the moon? Full. Do you wish you were richer? I physically refuse to be anything less than stable, hopefully even above that, once I'm independent. We've been poor all my life and it is fuck-ing HARD. It's stressful as a motherfucker and I am done with it. Very. What’s a middle name you like? Quinn. Fits a lot. I planned on giving that middle name to my hypothetical daughter. Are you scared of spiders? y e a h Do you weigh the same as your mom? No. Were you a Mary-Kate and Ashley fan? Like the average 90s/early 2000s kid. Coffee mugs, teacups, or water bottles? Uh, aesthetically? Teacups, probably. Bubblegum or cotton candy? Gum. I like the taste and texture of cotton candy, it is just RIDICULOUSLY sweet. It bothers my sensitive teeth sometimes. Do you prefer to drink soda from cans, bottles or cups? Cans. They get the coldest. Game you were best at in P.E./gym? Idk, I didn't excel at any. What do you have for breakfast on an average day? I'll typically just have a meal replacement shake or a Pop-Tart. Favorite non-chocolate candy? Sour Punch Straws (gotta be red). Favorite book you had to read for school? The Outsiders. Most frequently worn pair of shoes? My flip-flops, 'cuz they're easy to just slip on. Ideal weather? Cool but not windy (a light breeze is fine) with a partly-cloudy sky. Obsession from childhood? Webkinz. Favorite crystal? Dragon's breath opal. Favorite activity to do in warm weather? Swim or stay the fuck inside. Favorite activity to do in cold weather? Taking pictures in the snow. Five songs to describe you? "Get Up" by Mother Mother, "That's What You Get" by Paramore, uhhh... I don't feel like thinking over this any longer. My iPod isn't near me to scan through what I have, so yeah. Best way for someone to bond with you? Let's have deep philosophical talks about like the meaning of life 'n shit. Top 5 favorite Vines? Oh my god, this is impossible. To name some that come to mind first, in no order: "It's Wednesday, m'dudes *insert mating call*", "I cOUld'vE dROPPED My croiSSANt," "this is why mom doesn't FUCKING LOVE YOU," that one at a club where a girl is doing smoke tricks and the dude just goes "check that out" (or "wow," idr) or something similar (I couldn't find it), and omfg I adore that Snoop Dogg one with the little boy just semi-dancing to that iconic song???? I LOVE IT??????? Man, there are so so many more. Very honorable mention: "a d a m". Ads you have stuck in your head? None, thankfully. What is the first meme you remember seeing? Uhhh maybe Happy Bunny? Idk. Sci-fi, fantasy, or superheroes? Fantasy. Favorite type of cheese? American. What saying or quote do you live by? There's a lot I've picked up on and cling to. #1 is perhaps "Deal with life, or life deals with you." What are you currently stressed about? Some... things I realized about myself that disgust me. Favorite fairy tale? Shrek is a goddamn fairy tale and I will fight to the death against anyone who claims otherwise. Favorite tradition? I don't really have one anymore, but I remember as a kid, I would NEVER let Mom forget to throw some "reindeer food" outside for them lol. Talent you’re proud of having? One that warrants pride, exactly? Not just random talents? Well, uhhh. I suppose writing. I mean it modestly, I really do, but as a kid, my teachers all the way through high school always thought I was cheating or a parent did my papers at home. Some were only convinced by me writing in the classroom. I don't feel as good about my writing as I did in high school, but I am sill proud of excelling in it and taking writing anywhere seriously. If you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? I mean, name the game and genre here. Probably like "what the fuck" at like, everything, because I already do that. If you were an anime character, what genre of anime would it be? Like, based on my current life? I dunno. A sad and repetitive one with some bright days to it. Ohhh, and the color scheme and lighting vary with my mental state. Yo that would be dope. Character you relate to? lmao THRALL from WoW for being like "can y'all bastards just chill tf out" until he goes off to an isolated land away from civilization bc he's seen enough shit. Also compelled to help. Any good luck charms? I don't believe in those. Least favorite flavor of food or drink? As far as consistent flavors go, normally cherry or grape. Left or right handed? I'm a righty. Favorite potato food? Fries, when I wish they weren't. Earth tones or jewel tones? Jewel. How many phone numbers do you have memorized? Literally just Mom's. Not even mine.

[moodswingsabz]

Missing Pieces: MHAW 2020

Like almost everything else this year, Mental Health Awareness week has rolled around again, unexpectedly quick and seemingly coming out of nowhere. As someone who thinks and talks about mental health on a day to day basis, not only in my personal life but also through this platform, I try to use this week to look back on my mental health in a larger way. By looking at things that may have changed, improved or worsened in the recent, or not so recent, past. The rest of this article is me reflecting on that and also trying to make up for not having a new podcast for you on the most apt of weeks. It’ll come as a surprise to absolutely no one reading this, that over the years, I have tried many different things to improve my mental health. What took me too long to learn is that your mental health isn’t something that can simply be fixed, or miraculously improved (or not for me anyway) but is instead something you have to learn to understand and somewhat control to allow you to improve it. It takes work. Annoying as, right? Well prepare to be more annoyed as we delve into the more recent things I have used to try and find balance in my life, the successes and the shortcomings (of both the methods but much more frequently - my own). We’ll mention straight away that yes, I have used medication and yes it was helpful. It was an incredible tool for me to raise my mood and get to a place where I could function day to day and was hugely beneficial for me - until it wasn’t anymore. I made the mistake that I think so many do, when riding on this wave, living the sertraline dream. Instead of using this new found serenity and balance to look at the issues that may have led to me being on the medication in the first place, I instead just pretended that very little was wrong or that I was cured. I have a distinct memory of this period, a day where I felt incredibly high, my mood and energy was soaring and I can still feel the crush in my chest that came when I realised this wasn’t me. This wasn’t natural. It was the medicine pushing me exactly where it was supposed to and sadly, that was the beginning of the end for me and medication (at least on this occasion). I stuck with it for a few months after but as issues began to creep back in, I ditched the medication to see if I could now face them on my own. Spoiler alert: I couldn’t. Last year was the first time that I tried talk therapy in my adult life. I was incredibly lucky to have 10 sessions on a donation basis through a wonderful charity and I can say with complete honesty that this experience was mostly a positive one. I did come  out with a new understanding of myself; things I had done in the past to hurt both myself and others that I couldn’t explain now made some sort of sense. I began to see patterns in my behaviour, my mood and events in my life. And I even started to source why I felt and did these things. My biggest frustration with therapy was one with myself, it would take me half the hour to find my flow and get into the issues that I left every session with my mind racing, still making connections and feeling I had left so much unsaid. Sadly, after finishing my course of therapy, this is how I feel about the whole process. I gained so much from it and learned invaluable lessons about myself, that equipped me incredibly to try and work at being better but I felt like I left it unfinished. I hear you screaming ‘why not just go back to therapy?’ and I hear you, I do, but as much as looking inward to find answers is incredibly beneficial, it is also painful in its own right and that is my answer to your question. I haven’t felt ready again, quite yet. Muay Thai, combat sports and exercise to help with mental health is a whole other topic that I need to cover on its own, but briefly let me just say that this has been monumental for me. From the endorphin rushes of the physical exercise, to throwing myself into situations I never thought I was capable of handling and launching me to the other side of the world and completely out my comfort zone. Muay Thai has been monumental in improving my life and the way I think and feel. However, one of the earliest indicators I have that my mental health may not be at its strongest is when I feel the things I love fade in the way that they make me feel and Thai boxing sadly is not exempt from that. One of the hardest days I can recall in recent times is having multiple panic attacks in the gym, a place that is one of incredible importance and value to me and I hold a deep connection with. The ugliest face of the mental health monster is when the things you love are turned and twisted against you, your tools against it stolen and used against you to fuel the fire of dissatisfaction and bitterness that is beginning to burn. More recently, and potentially most surprisingly to myself I have started looking inward in a different way to try and find a bit more inner peace. Yes, I have become ‘that guy’ and have started using meditation and yoga to try and centre myself and this may be the only section that is a complete positive. I completely understand the scepticism (and was a purveyor of it myself) when it comes to these things but there is a reason so many people bang on about them - they work (or at least they can work for some people). The only downside I find in these practices is that initially they can feel more like a chore. We are programmed to constantly be busy and not to take time for ourselves. When we do it has to be something active - the consumption of food, TV, alcohol, social media, exercise or writing a 5 year fucking plan. Yoga/meditation/‘I believe the word is zen’ is the antithesis of this - it promotes well being by just being and that takes some adjustment. I am thankful that I feel I am finally getting there in that regard. The thing I am most grateful for (and this has probably been of the biggest aid to me) is the people I have come into contact with. Throughout all the practices I have mentioned above (except maybe the medication because I don’t have my doctor on Facebook) and through conducting interviews for MOOD SWINGS itself, I have been incredibly lucky to meet so many incredible people who have had similar experiences, who can offer support and guidance and who I so often find myself contacting for help when I need it. Even crazier is when they get in touch with me, citing that they knew something was wrong. This all feeds into my increasing suspicion that there may be something behind this whole spiritualism thing, that maybe we are all connected. But I’ll stop there before I get too kooky.   After all of this, how do I feel? Well I am glad to say that I am starting to make more sense to myself and this in turn, helps me to be kinder and better to those around me, which makes me feel better about myself. It’s like a vicious circle except not really that vicious but quite nice actually. The only downside is that like anything, as you get better, it just gets so much harder when you fail or falter. If you are absolutely brilliant at making curry (which I am to be fair) it hurts so much worse when you cook up a bad batch (thankfully I never do) and it’s the same for mental health. As my mental health improves and I find it easier to control my mood, to gravitate towards the things that help me and to look deeply at myself to understand the why’s of my emotions and act on them before they act on me - it becomes even more frustrating when I can’t. When I am reckless, or distraught beyond being rational or I’ve let myself slip deeply into the greys, it hurts that bit more. When reflecting on these times I still find it confusing  and the only conclusion I can draw is that whilst I am starting to piece together the things that make me, me, there are still some missing pieces to this picture or puzzle. Things continue to get clearer and the picture is coming more into focus but it will stay jagged and unclear in places until it is complete. Maybe it never will be. But I won’t stop trying to find the next piece.

[master-thief-gray-shadow]

So as of today it’s been exactly one year since I first watched Revue Starlight, and it’s been a really interesting year. I’ve been thinking about the impact the series has had on my life lately and felt like I needed to get some thoughts down.

TW: self harm mention, suicide mention

Love Live changed my life. It was not my first fandom ever, but it was the first one where I got seriously involved with the community. Not only did I manage to make friends within the fandom (and to be honest these friends have proven truer than any I’ve had in real life), but I also managed to meet not one but two amazing partners, which is two more than I’d ever anticipated I’d have. Love Live was good to me, and for a good three years I happily allowed it to consume my very soul. But things like these don’t last forever.

I don’t talk about it much (there’s a reason why but that’s another story), but I am autistic and I do have ADHD. Obviously hyperfixations are a big part of my life. The big ones tend to last for years. Naruto was three or four, Touhou was a solid three, Kancolle was less than a year but I feel like it would have been longer if I hadn’t forcibly divorced myself from it due to the fact that my mental health at the time was spiraling out of control. Love Live was just another one of these things. For years it was constantly in my thoughts, and at the height of all this I couldn’t watch a movie without thinking “hm, what if this was Love Live characters?” It gave me a reason to live and got me through a few rough patches. But my interest did eventually start to wane. Unfortunately this coincided with one of those rough patches, and this particular one had something that I hadn’t had to deal with in a while: uncertainty.

Early last year I quit my job. It was a customer service job, one that I had been at for a few years and was starting to get tired of. I figured that I would be unemployed for a month or two (which at the time sounded refreshing, one of the reasons I quit was because the job had become so soul-sucking that I didn’t have energy for anything else) before getting a new one, preferably one with better hours and better pay. What I hadn’t counted on was my depression, which was already a contributing factor in my somewhat fragile state, utterly consuming me now that I didn’t have any kind of routine or purpose, and was therefore at the mercy of my thoughts at all times. I tried to take refuge in Love Live like I always had, and for a while, it worked. But eventually it just kind of...stopped working. So here I was, unemployed, depressed, and rapidly losing the ability to find joy in things. All that, but thankfully in no actual, real, physical danger. But apparently my brain thought I was. So that’s what it started telling me.

I’m not gonna go into what I specifically believed was happening. The long and short of it was that I started having irrational fears about my health, brought upon by some discussion that was going on in the spaces I hung out in. At first I was able to just dismiss it as paranoia, but certain things happened that only served to deepen it. Eventually I started thinking that I needed to go to the hospital, but what for? Nobody would believe there was anything wrong. I didn’t even believe it myself, at least consciously. But my brain was telling me I needed to go. And if I didn’t have an obvious reason to, I should give myself one.

I did not actually reach the point of doing self-harm, fortunately. But I came close. One evening something triggered a massive panic attack, and I, sincerely believing my life was in danger, began seriously, seriously considering it. I was very lucky that my parents kind of knew what was going on and rushed me to the hospital before I could do anything I might regret. I ended up spending a few days in the hospital’s psyche ward, which from what I’ve gathered was actually pretty okay as far as psyche wards go, but it was still a quiet and sterile place with no clocks and no contact with the outside. I was relieved to get out, to say the least. Even spending five and a half hours a day in intensive therapy, five days a week, was an improvement. I even managed to keep the job I had just started.

And that was the state I was in when I first watched Revue Starlight. Crawling my way out from the bottom of a pit. I had heard of the show, I’d seen it on my dash a few times, and this one anon, you know who you are, kept recommending it to me, which I had responded to every time with “okay, I’ll consider it.” For the past month or two I had been watching JoJo for the first time, and I had just finished Stardust Crusaders. Stardust Crusaders, if you haven’t watched it, is not bad at all. But it is very long and has some pacing issues. I needed a break from JoJo. A short one-season anime like Revue Starlight? The perfect palette cleanser. After all, it’s just Love Live with swords, right? It’s not like it’s gonna take over my life or anything.

And it didn’t. The first three episodes were...uh...well, I was more than a little confused. I didn’t really gel with any of the characters or understand what was going on, so, upon finishing episode 3, I unceremoniously closed the tab and declared myself done. At least that was how it was initially. One evening a couple days later I found myself bored, and figured that I might as well just finish the thing. I had time to kill, after all.

Now this was what did the trick. This time I found myself blown out of the water, especially by the finale, which had just aired that day. Revue Starlight quickly flooded in to fill the void Love Live had left, and I found myself giddy with that new hyperfixation feel. Therapy was going extremely smoothly, I started getting the hang of my new job, and I was even going to the gym regularly. I had something to live for again. A rope to hold onto so I wouldn’t fall deeper and hit the bottom that I’d struggled so hard to climb away from. No matter what happened, I would have the 99th Seisho class to fall back on.

Things, of course, did happen. I grew to resent my job, which wasn’t well-suited for me, so I started looking for a new one. A better one. I had my eye on one in particular, it seemed like a nice cushy desk job that probably had good pay and benefits. I was sure I had nailed the interview. I’d opted to finish the holiday season with my current job, but I really, really wanted that new one. I’d just start once I was finished with my current one, and I had gathered the next starting date was early in the spring. It was for this reason that I wasn’t too concerned when the place I was currently working at got closed down. No problem. I’d just wait for my new job to start.

And so I was unemployed again. In winter, no less, so my depression was particularly monstrous now. For two months I sat in figurative and literal darkness, clinging onto two things: the expectation that I would hear back from the people I was hoping to hear from, and my love for Revue Starlight. I was absolutely miserable. But I held on. I held onto those two things. And finally, the date where I would be called in for an initiation drew near.

Unfortunately, it turned out I actually hadn’t gotten the job after all. I nearly fell apart completely.

I’m kind of convinced that if I hadn’t gotten into RevStar and renewed my need to hyperfixate on things I might’ve actually gone through with killing myself. The sheer despair I felt when I found out I had just spent so much time sitting around for nothing, that I had wasted a whole two months of my life, was crushing. In the heat of the moment, I really did think about it. I felt so utterly worthless and foolish, and if I took my own life I wouldn’t have to feel that way anymore. But I couldn’t. Because I did have a reason to keep living and to move on. I still had Revue Starlight.

Eventually I did manage to get a job, my current one. It’s not ideal, but the pay and hours are better than either of my previous ones, as is the nature of the job itself. The effects of my hormone replacement therapy, which I had only been on for about a month when everything had fallen apart, soon started to become more apparent. Now that I had a steady and regular source of income I decided to make plans to go out and see my girlfriend, who I figured it was about time I met in real life, which I eventually did, and she was wonderful. And those were just things that happened within my personal life. As for Revue Starlight? Shortly after I’d gotten the job, I managed to actually watch the stage plays, which I hadn’t seen yet, and they were amazing, especially the second one. Starira got an English release, pulling new blood into the fandom. Sato Hinata was slated to appear at Anime Central, which is the one con I actually bother to attend, and I got to meet her. For real. In person.

And if I’d gone and killed myself? I would never have gotten any of that. I would have missed out on so much. As much of a fool as I had felt like at the time, at least I didn’t do the single most foolish thing that I could have. And I’m glad. And thankful.

So thank you, to that one anon (you know who you are) for pointing me in the right direction. Thank you to the fellow fans who make up this community that I’ve settled down in. Thank you to the seiyuu in front of the mics, and the artists, animators, composers, writers, and coders behind them. I’m here right now because of you. Thank you.

[hippyspacewitch]

Unable to freely wield confidence temporarily displayed for whatever partial second you might see. Very few even exist, if not any for the majority of time, before I began capturing moments. It isn’t to remember, recently I’ve spent far too much time trying to fall back into my picture. Making an attempt to ward away this lost sense of identity, but that action alone cannot stop a snapshot from reducing everything by nature, therefore in my opinion cheapening my experience somewhat.

During my time in Arizona, there were members of certain Native American tribes which informed me they believe a photograph is capable of stealing a person’s essence. Not necessarily all at once. It depends on what kind of power the object and person in its possession hold.

Soul searching is endless in a way. I’ve accepted that things can never be how I want them to be, not entirely. There’s a lot to cover there, so I won’t even start. I’ll just say, I hope growing does not end here.

It’s been a few months since my physical health has taken a bit of a downturn. I haven’t opened up to anyone about it. I don’t intended on elaborating here, but it hasn’t been very good. I have an appointment to hopefully find referrals in February. I’ll know more after that. My attitude hasn’t been good either. At times I want to get sick and die, just so I can feel even close to satisfied knowing I made changes anyone who knew me five years ago could plainly see, but more than that I’m happy to have been true to myself to the point I cry tears of joy.

May come as a surprise to some, but I do pray, and listen I have every excuse to believe at one time or another, the Goddess has abandoned me, yet I reach out. I am Her symbol of faith. There is a reason I’m sensitive. Although you may not agree with the methodology, my dedication is indisputable. It is this day again, humble but willing to ask for more patience and strength.

Hoping to distinguish a difference between me, myself, and my ego the living embodiment of frailty. If I can make it through the year improving my health, then it shall be for the better. It has been painful making changes again, I keep telling myself it will get easier, but if it gets worse before it gets better, so be it.

I sold the world. Leaving everyone I knew well enough behind, never asking one person to follow me. If you are a person who once uttered my dead name, and you are reading this now. I needed you a long time ago.

I ran the social media gambit with people from my past who thought now it was time to pay attention, after I did all the hard work on my own. For a while, I entertained their approval so they could pat themselves on the back, and say they were there to make a difference. No one made a difference besides me. No one made it easier, in actuality the people I romanticized the most served to disappoint me and my unreachable expectations, not saying the bar ever need to be high for some.

For those who only know this person by her true name, I apologize if you’ve made any real attempt to reach me, only to be shut out. I am often unreachable, unresponsive, and disassociative. I don’t have energy for anyone not really here, in a deeper sense I’m so desperate for the alternative. I used to pretend very well to care about people who have little to not interest in my wellbeing. I made it my profession for awhile, but I never thought I could make a life from it. Care that comes outside of reading a post every few months, where I just explode like this. For that alone connections are not a priority for me, as I’m just working on reinventing myself to where I better recognize the womxn I have hid away more than most of my life.

Luckily, even though I’ve treaded a long way out to water, there is still this amazing person who is so patient with me, she has been for a few years now, she is accepting of all my faults, and looking out for me. We share a similar path and even if we don’t have a physical romantic relationship, I love her. I’m not a fetish to her, she doesn’t sexualize my needs to align myself correctly. She’s the first honest to god person to help me improve myself. We have had our struggles and she has grown so much since I met her, I’m glad I could help. I know that’s why she cares for me, because I put her needs next to my own. We prop each other up that way. She is pretty much as isolated as I am, if not more. We match well and she is my best friend. I’m so fortunate to have attracted her attention all those years ago. She lets me do what I believe will make me happy and I feel like I trust her as much as I can.

I haven’t spent hardly any time searching for people who will prey on my weakness and vulnerability. Small amounts, it’s somewhat unavoidable when you’re the female of the species, but I could be worse off for it. Plenty of examples out there to learn from. I crave physical intimacy, but I can’t get comfortable or form a connection until after establishing enough time together to get to know someone. I kind of hate how most people want to talk it out to death on a phone before the act itself even happens, or all they do is ask for pictures. It makes me hate technology.

Alone I’ve rediscovered by own sexuality, for better and worse, as my past is littered with abuse, trauma, and genuine negativity. For that, I doubt I’ll share myself fully with any random stranger who hasn’t known me for more than ten minutes. That has come as a surprise almost every man I’ve personally met, also if I haven’t met you in person, we haven’t met personally. So feel free to do the math there.

Just a brief run down on my vagina functionality, after two years, in case anyone is wondering, I found a new toy called The Empress. Shout out to theguerrillafeminist on Instagram for getting me that steal of a discount. It mimics oral sex, but honestly it is way better than any oral sex I’ve ever had. That’s the only sex I’ve had still, no rush there. The toy is great and really the only thing to get me incredibly wet prior to climaxing. I have a hard time focusing on myself. It has changed my life. Sometimes masturbation is the only thing that frees me from the hell of disassociation. I’m pretty good with my hands, but the toy definitely helps stimulate bunches. Plus it is also just nice to mix things up.

I really should share the information on my favorite dildo too, it is glow in the dark, has a suction cup that works well! I use it in the shower a lot. It’s also a great size for me personally, maybe too big for some, but I really appreciates that it’s made from silicone I believe and works with like every kind of lubricant. It has balls, and I guess I kind of like that because I want it as close to the real thing as possible.

I feel like I’m on an island of my own, but I’m learning to embrace self care and restraint easier, that will dip and rise. At times it feels instinctive for me to self harm, but it comes in the form of being far more indirect these days. Sadness and bad habits have replaced swollen knuckles, burns, along with my need to see red. Giving up these habits never came about through recovery. I choose not, because I don’t even feel like I own myself anymore. Like I cannot let people believe I’m no better or worse from this, and no it isn’t fair considering all the shit I have to put up with, but it is a cross I bear. I’ve exceeded what were very low expectations, so I don’t even feel like I have any right to damage myself directly.

Opening up about my mental health freely here. Doing so without shame. I have various diagnosed mental illnesses and ptsd as a result of physical abuse, sexual trauma, and exposure as a child. For that alone, my fantasies are often linked to rape in various ways. If you are a woman who goes through similar phases, as a result of surviving the awful incident itself, feel free to explicitly reach out to me in a way that conveys you are feeling alone and need help specifically being reminded that it is natural and you don’t need to feel guilty. I became close friends with a women who really helped set my head on straight. It was so helpful to just know I’m not the only one who has these thoughts. I’m done feeling guilty about the suggestive fictional material I choose to read or otherwise seek familiar arousal in. Rape culture created the fantasy for women long before my individual experience, yet stigma exists and it is something we should all be more open to discussing. No one should feel the need to endure shame and guilt someone else put on them against their will.

Please don’t message me asking for specifics about physical health, I won’t open up about it, unless you are someone who I spend enough time around that I feel comfortable with. You will have to make an effort to form a real life bond with me. Mental health is a different question, in case you’re wondering, feel free to ask. No one ever cares to ask about that, that’s why I said you could. Also, just thought it might be worth a mention, my health emergencies are entirely separate to anything post surgery or hormone replacement therapy related.

[glitterandmoondustofficial]

Side To Side

Chapter 168: Details

Characters: Law, Erina, Shachi, Ikkaku, Ruby Rating: Teen Warnings: Language Notes: Recently realized that my Law and Ruby spotify playlist has 69 songs in it and now I can never add another song. Full Story

~~~~~

Law was feeling okay for the first time in three weeks. He was actually starting to not mind that might not get his memories back (as much). He stood on his balcony with a cup of coffee, staring at the clear sky.  He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. It’s been awhile since he had felt alright like this.

He watched members of his crew file on deck to explore the island again. Everyone going their own way. Ruby came up with Ikkaku, talking amongst themselves. Law felt himself relax as Ruby laughed. Good. She looked better. Her eyes met his and she smiled up at him, giving him a small wave before turning back to Ikkaku. He chastised his heart for leaping the way it did when she smiled at him.

“Why are you waving?” Law felt his spine spasm in surprise and whipped around to glare at Erina. She stood there with a large toothy grin. “Sorry.” She chuckled.

“I wasn’t waving.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Why are you here?”

“Mental health check.”

“I’m fine.” She stared at him flatly. Law sighed and gave in. “I’m feeling fine today.”

She relaxed with an understanding smile. “That’s improvement. Have you remembered anything?” She walked up next to him and stood on the balcony.

“No.”

“Ah, then perhaps it’s someone causing your good mood.” Law frowned at her and she ignored him, staring down at the deck below. “Sela-san has also improved her mood lately.”

Law looked down to Ruby, who was putting her hair in a ponytail. “Who said it was Ruby who had improved my mood?”

“My mistake. It is, of course, not only your interactions with her that have caused your improvement. You have your crew as well. You’re safe and surrounded by loved ones, therefore you can relax.”

“Yes…” he sighed. “I would still prefer to have my memories back, even if I’m starting to get around to being okay with starting over.”

“Of course, that’s natural isn’t it? You wish to have everything you experienced back. Missing a whole year is a burden.”

“Yeah.” Law sipped his coffee. “I’ll get there...wherever there is.”

“Good! Optimistic thinking is definitely a good start. It’s good to see you still have that ability.” Law huffed annoyed and Erina chuckled. “I will leave you to your coffee and balcony. I am glad that my captain is starting to feel better.”

Law relaxed. “Thanks.”

~~~~~

“Heeeeey,” Ruby slid up to Law as he sat in a chair on deck. He raised a brow at her through his reading glasses and placed a bookmark in his book.

He cleared his throat, “what do you want?”

Ruby pouted. “Who says I want something? Maybe I just want to say, “hey.””

“What do you want?”

“Ugh, fine. I’m going shopping, I need someone to carry stuff for me.”

“You have arms.”

“Yeah, but I don’t want to.”

“And you think I want to?”

“Perhaps.”

“No, get someone else to do it.” Ruby whined and Law groaned. “That makes me want to even less.” Did he just let her get away with this stuff when they were dating? There’s no way he did. He stared at her annoyed and she stared expectantly right back at him. “Did you get away with whining like that before?”

“No.”

“Did you think I suddenly changed by not having my memories?”

“No.” She grinned. “Just come with.”

“Why?”

“What are you doing?”

“Relaxing.”

“Come relax with me then.” Law’s annoyance went away...slightly. Ruby’s grin faded a little and her eyebrows creased. “I just wanna...hang out...with you.”

“You’re terrible at this.”

Ruby’s nostrils flared and Law started to smirk. “Fine.” She turned on her heel. Her hips and ponytail started to sway as she walked off.

Law stood up and walked after her. “What, no longer wanting to spend time with me?”

“You’re an ass, captain.” Law’s smirk grew as he followed her off the sub. She huffed and he chuckled.

“Where did you want to go?”

She stopped and looked at him annoyed. Her eyebrows raised slowly and she sighed. “There were a couple things I wanted to try.”

“A bakery then.” Ruby blushed and turned to walk away. Law followed after her, noticing the faint smile that grew on her lips.

~~~~~

“Where’d you disappear to today?”

Law looked up from his dinner and raised a brow at Shachi. “Were you wanting to do something?”

“No, I just noticed you went out instead of staying in.”

“Ah. I was...with Ruby.”

Shachi’s eyebrows rose. “ Oh? ”

“She said she wanted to hang out.”

“She’s being forward.”

“Was she not always forward?”

“She was but she wasn’t.”

“Meaning?”

“She would get flustered easily. It was cute.”

“I never noticed.”

“Of course not. You’d already be dating if you noticed everything everyone else does.” Law frowned at him.

“He has a point.” Ikkaku sat down next to Shachi. “She was always a flustered mess. I can’t believe how many times I had to set you guys up to be alone and nothing happened because you’re both stupid.”

“Like when?”

“Remember that time she bought the white dress? And I left to buy sunglasses?”

Law stared at her blankly and she grinned.

“One time I left you two in a bar and she bought you a drink and you didn’t get it.” Shachi added with a cheeky grin.

“We would always buy each other drinks.”

“Not while flirting like you were.”

“To be fair,” Ikkaku interrupted. “They’ve always flirted.”

“We have not.”

“Yes you have.” They both said at the same time.

Law groaned and rubbed his eyes. “So how did we figure it out, then?”

“It was Ruby,” Ikkaku said and took a bite of her food. “You were in the control room one night and she was wearing a tight dress. She asked you to unzip her and you did.”

“You apparently almost kissed but Penguin interrupted.” Shachi said flatly. “Why don’t you ask her all this stuff?”

Law hesitated and switched his gaze to Ruby sitting next to Penguin and Jun.

“Did we ever go on dates?”

Ruby blinked before snorting. “Sometimes, but not often. It was mostly...stuff like this, I guess.”

“So we didn’t look like a couple. That makes sense.”

“Yeah.” Ruby shifted and looked down at her food.

“Did I make you uncomfortable?”

“No,” she sighed. “Not at all.” She picked up a fry and ate it. “You can ask me any questions you like.”

Law hesitated, something about her far off expression was telling him he had asked enough for the day.

“I don’t want it to be awkward.”

“It’s hard to make Ruby feel awkward. She’s been in a lot of uncomfortable situations before.”

“I’d rather not push it.”

“He’s right,” Shachi said to Ikkaku. “No reason to ruin his chances at asking her out.”

“I’m not-”

“Oh, good point. You should do it soon, Captain.”

“You gotta do it, you know.” Shachi pointed his fork at him. “She’s not going to.”

“Can we talk about something else?”

Ikkaku and Shachi snickered at him before going back to their food.

~~~~~

Law watched Ruby hum as she watered a plant in the control room. “You’re in a good mood.”

“Am I?” She turned and looked at him with a soft smile.

“You’re humming at least.”

Ruby’s smile grew and she turned back to the plant. “You’ve been in a good mood lately, as well.”

“I’ve been better.”

“That’s good. Have you remembered anything?”

“Not memories,” he said. “But...I have felt stuff.”

“Huh?” She turned back to him with a cute confused expression on her face.

“Things are starting to feel familiar.”

“Oh, like what?”

“Jun, Helmut, and Erina for example. They feel like they’ve been with us for awhile.”

“Well, that’s good. I’m sure it wasn’t great learning you had three crew members that you didn’t remember recruiting.”

“From what I understand, Shachi recruited Helmut and you recruited Jun.” Ruby shrugged nonchalantly. “I’ve also caught myself doing things without realizing I’m doing them.”

“Oh?”

“Watering those plants for example. I find myself doing it with no problem or reminder.” Not to mention, constantly having to stop himself from holding Ruby’s hand, wanting to kiss her forehead, definitely keeping himself from walking up behind her and picking her up as a surprise.

“Well, it’s good that you’re not killing them.” She set her watering can on the ground and pulled a chair up next to him. “It’s also good that you’re starting to be comfortable again. It sucked seeing you so out of your element.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “It is good to be able to relax for a bit. I’m actually starting to be okay with not getting my memories back.”

Law watched Ruby’s lips twitch in the slightest. She immediately smiled. “That’s good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. We don’t need you confused and constantly second guessing everything.”

Law nodded and looked at the screens in front of him. She was definitely faking that smile. He knew that she was hoping he’d get his memories back and they can get back to where they left off. The reality of the situation, however, was that it probably would never happen. And truth be told, he didn’t want to see the disappointment in her eyes when she finally accepted that.

Ruby rubbed her arms as she stared at the monitors.

“Are you cold?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you keep blankets in here?” Law leaned over and opened the drawer that had her blankets stored in it. He spread it out and laid it over her, huffing when she curled under it.

“Thanks.” She said quietly, covering her nose with the blanket.

“Do you want anything to drink?”

“No, I’m fine.” She settled against the chair, pulling the blanket further over herself.

“Do you have nothing else you want to do?”

Ruby looked at him from the corner of her eye before looking back at the monitors. “Were you wanting to be alone?”

“I don’t care either way,” he said with a shrug. “I enjoy spending time with you, so you’re welcome to stay in here.” Ruby snorted and smiled. “What?”

“You’ve always been terrible at hiding how you feel.” Law blushed and glared at her. “Take it as a good thing. I’m someone you don’t have to act all...you around.”

“Act all me around? How else am I supposed to act?”

“Obviously, the sweetheart who waits on me hand and foot.”

“Bullshit.”

Ruby stuck her tongue out at him. “You don’t know.”

“Oh, I’m confident that’s bullshit.”

Ruby giggled. “I’ll take that drink, by the way.”

Law immediately stood up and walked over to the fridge. He heard Ruby snort and turned around to glare at her. “Are you enjoying this?”

“Oh my god, yeah.”

Law still got her a drink.

He didn’t let her see his smile as she giggled happily either. He liked hearing her laugh. He wouldn’t tell her that, but she probably already knew anyway.

Who knows, maybe he’ll feel confident enough at some point to ask her to try again with him.

Maybe she’ll even say yes.