#I am eating the most delicious apple of my life

[goofydog17]

everyone at my job dresses business casual except for me (youngest and most whimsical) who dresses like a particularly schleppy high school senior

[sems-diarie]

king!yuji x goddess!reader, devil!(canon)sukuna x goddess!reader. corruption, manipulation; ummm yeah 🙂‍↕️. you and sukuna are advisors to yuji’s kingship but sukuna isn’t satisfied with that and ofc wants more?? tries to get u on his teammm. idk what this is tbfr. yuji isn’t even in this i feel insane for mentioning his name so much.

“He’ll never love you, y’know?”

Your lashes flutter. If looks could kill, Ryomen Sukuna would be torn apart. He’d be decimated. The archangel you are, you take his joy in your misery to a painfully personal degree. An ode to your soul, yes—but most insurmountably, your pride. You’d tear into this foul-blooded creature with your teeth and tear his Adam’s Apple out. Eventually.

“Or maybe,” Sukuna sighs, awfully wistful and horrifically persistent. “Maybe he does love you—but never in the way you’ll need, sweet goddess.”

“You know nothing of love, arrogant lord.” Who was this over-stationed filth to scoff at you in your lovely, lonely turmoil? Your adoration for Yuji is like the archaic sky you once rolled around with him in. Vast, wondrous, free. An ancient oath calls for the blood in your heart to fall belly-first beneath Yuji’s whimsy—but just as equally his burning ambition. In return, Yuji accepts the wisdom of his goddess gratefully, gracefully—and runs forth a kingdom that adores him.

“You amount to nothing more than a pair of foul-smelling testicles.” You nearly spit at Sukuna when next addressing him. The thought is surely tempting. “How dare the filthy likes you speak so wrecklessly to me in a domain I take pleasure in owning?”

Sukuna is smooth. His tone promises your rebellion a nasty punishment. “Watch your mouth, lackey.”

Your love for Yuji is swift, blinding, cutting. Your favorite king cleaves apart something deep in your soul. He’s beared you vulnerable for all the world to see, to laugh at. Sukuna gorges himself upon your aching heart. The fall from grace is all the more devastating with no one to catch you or your tittering feathers.

You jerk back. Hard. It’s nearly a stumble; you think for a moment he’s pushed you. Pushed you. You’ll have his head—Yuji may yet have it before you.

But there Sukuna stands, yet, eyebrows raised in far more amusement than you’d like to acknowledge. Solid, and still. He hasn’t moved at all.

“Away from me, you foul, wretched, whorish, innocuous thing,” you’ve never heard yourself break such news in a voice so even, so pristine. Save a crack or two, which the demon before you eats up. Not unlike, you take note, of his four devouring eyes as they pour over you—pretty, little you, stood trembling before him. “Take your fucking nonsense to the cretinous hole that bore you.”

“We are better than that little shit,” Sukuna scowls. “Better than all of those shits—humans.”

It takes you aback, if only slightly. His pride, as it swelled in his shoulders and ached in his fingers. Even after serving Yuji for so long, Sukuna harbors still so much resentment for your king. So much envy boils in the commander’s chest for Yuji’s power, his people, his hopelessly devoted constituents You almost call him on it.

“I don’t want to upset my beloved Yuji should this spat of ours conclude bloody. I am taking my leave from you.”

“Sweet goddess, Yuji will not save you from these claws,” Sukuna promises. “Nor will he save you from my hungry mouths on your pretty little cunt. Eventually.”

“Yuji will have your tongue, again. Dirty-mouthed slut. I’ll watch with hearts in my eyes when he claws it from your jaw. How long did it take to heal last time, cursed demon?”

Sukuna bristles, mouth parted in delicious silence. You’re a harpy.

“Y’know,” you take a tone he hates. Awfully sweet, and fake. “For some all powerful, life-snuffing demon, you leave so much to be desired. So often, Sukuna, I look to you and think, How will this meathead prove to be an utter humiliation today? Why my wonderful Yuji keeps you around is cause for trial. You do nothing but take joy in this tender plight of mine. As your kind do.”

But you do know. To be king is to wage war. Ryomen sits and waits, fiends for the opportunity to take Yuji and the rest of their knightship to war. To hardwon battles, and hardwon victories.

That is precisely why renowned warlock Megumi Fushiguro was to summon the wretched Ryomen Sukuna: The kingmaker, slayer of power-hungry mongrels. Slayer of unworthy tools.

Your Yuji was no tool.

“Such venom you speak at me with,” Sukuna tuts. “I’ll have your head full of cock for that. And Yuji shall be chained to watch, just like you’ve dreamed, dear goddess—,”

Your love for Yuji builds endlessly; woefully, but thankfully, you spill it into him, with of course no crescendo in sight.

Yuji burns bright, blinding inside of you. Your pride? Is searing.

Searing like your palm as it aches in the wake of Sukuna’s ridiculously fortified jaw. You aimed lower than you’d have liked. You almost go in for another, to slam your palm right into the heart of his pretty, mirthfully dark eye. He catches your hand. Presses his thumb right into the heart of your wrist, somehow directly hitting a pressure point in your terrifically human host body.

All the strength in your body slips through your fingertips and spills through your knees. But oh, Sukuna is there to catch you—with an arm twice the size of your head wrapped firmly around your thick waist.

“Settle down. Once was fun, but twice?” His eyes narrow. “You are meant to fill gowns,” he doesn’t miss the chance to roam your body as he says it, “and play in Yuji’s crown like the good girl you want so desperately to be.”

He leans down close, nearly nudges your temple with his nose. His vessel’s body towers over you. Still, your eyes refuse to betray yourself—nor does any fear live in your heart for such gems to express so.

“Fill gowns?” You tilt your head up more. To be outdone, by a worthless curse on humanity no less, was non-negotiable. “You think your goddess not merely a whore, but a vapid one.”

“A goddess sat warm and inviting, warm-ing the cock of some pathetic king. A tale older than time, silly succubus.”

“Sat quite prettily, indeed,” you muse. “Are we reminiscing? I was there to give my king what he needed—,”

“Such disposition must be made mine,” he shrugs. “Everything in this world and thereafter is mine to take, to keep, and to shred apart. But I thrive when taking such fine treasures for myself.”

You glower. “I serve Yuji.”

“You serve Yuji?” Sukuna scoffs, venom burning through his eyes as he settles them upon you. “You serve your cunt to him on a platter, and give him the strength he’d otherwise be sorely missing.”

“A lovely, little cunt,” you interject, “that he worships in mind, body, soul—kingdom. What do you give me besides headaches and stress?”

“I found you,” Ryomen Sukuna growls, seething. Ah. There it is. The crux, the core, the spill. “I did. You’re mine, my booty—yet here your pussy is, the pussy I liberated, stretched by the minuscule cock and drenched in the impotent seed of some lowly man.”

“A king,” you correct him swiftly. “I belong to the honorable king whom of which you bestowed me to. Yuji thought me such a clever gift, he returned your sentiments with politicial asylum. He redeemed you, because of me. Something you clearly seek, despite your insatiable impulse to seek and destroy all things human.”

Half of his mouth tugs into a quick, almost impossible-to-catch smile. “Pain is the most human thing, the most raw we could ever see the humans.”

“They’re weak,” he protests further. “The brat doesn’t even know the first thing to do with you.”

“Nor did it pain you hand me over to your king,” you continue on, over his meaningless rambling and take your point home. “Ripped me from the caverns of my sweet island and dumped me onto the lap of a ruler that you.. vehemently hate.”

“I am a king. I need nothing from that boy.”

For the first time since encountering this freak, do you smile so genuinely.

“You were.”

For a few moments, Sukuna is quiet. He regards you with a silent contempt that leaves you shifting on your feet.

“Your hundreds of whores shall wet your cock exactly how you like, my lord. And I shall… comfortably aid my lovely Yuji through these turbulent times!”

“Yuji won’t love you how you need,” Sukuna guarantees. The conviction in his tone almost makes you falter as you take flight in fleeing from Sukuna’s chambers. Surely Yuji must be searching for you.

“But I will,” Sukuna rasps, “I worship the ground you walk on now, don’t I?”

You give him little regard.

“Worship it as I take my leave.”

[aerkame]

Hi, I hope you're having a wonderful day!!!! How would Wally and the others in your Alive AU react if Reader had a coworker or friend that was romantically interested in them? Would they just get really clingy or even aggressive, especially considering they're confined inside the house?

I am! I went skating for a long while outside and got a Starscream model kit to put together later. :) (Short fic takes place in the Alive AU)

Jealous! Everyone x reader

__________________________________________________________

It started with flowers. One day out of the blue you had came home with a huge bouquet of beautiful roses. Julie was the first to ask where you got them, they were just so pretty! You told them it was from a coworker at the public library, he was really polite and gave you these roses as a gift...you were blind to say the least, not seeing it as a romantic gesture. But the romantic gift did not go unnoticed by your colorful guests.

Poppy told you she was already preparing dinner for tonight which was a relief honestly, you felt exhausted. Two pairs of arms pulled you close for a hug, recognizing them as Julie and Sally, the two hyper sunshines of your life. "Hey there host, we reeeeaaallly wanna show you something!" Julie was practically jumping with joy while Sally let go to grab something, coming back with a stereo to play music on. The two put on a dance that almost resulted in a vase being broken, but Barnaby's soft paws were there to catch it just in time.

"How about we all dance together?" Barnaby gave you a warm smile, he always knew how to warm your heart. Holding out his paw you took hold of it, joining in the dance with the three goofballs.

During dinner, Poppy came up to you with a delicious looking small cake and placed it right in front of you. "I made you some dessert deary, eat up!" You looked down confused "But what about the others?" However, when you looked back at the table everyone had already gone to do their own activities (or so you assumed) and Poppy just sat there smiling. Soon after that awkward dinner Eddie cornered you in the hallway one arm leaning on the wall and the other holding a neatly folded letter with red hearts all over it. "Here you are sweets, Frank and I wrote this just for you." You firmly grasped the paper and unfolded it. It was a beautifully written poem about you. "Wow, thank you Eddie I don't know what to say, this is very well written! I love it." Eddie gave you a small kiss on the head like he always did and the tip of a hat before walking downstairs whistling a small tune.

Later that night Howdy came by the bathroom as soon as you got out of the shower to gift you with the shiniest apple you've ever laid eyes on. You questioned where he got it from but Howdy only responded with "It's a secret! Just know that it's 100% off for you!" You couldn't say no to that goofy grin of his, plus he was just so happy to give it to you! You took it from him with a warm smile on your face... Also because his giant body was blocking you from leaving.

Once you finally managed to get by the giant caterpillar with your new gift you went to your room to settle down and sleep, rolling around a bit in the sheets until you got comfortable enough and closed your tired eyes.

Not even a minute after closing your eyes you felt the bed dip beside yourself and a long arm snaked over your torso. Only one person you know does that. "Wally, what are you doing?"

"I'm just cuddling my dearest host to sleep is all.~" You peeked open an eye after hearing that. He always did this when he wanted something out of it. "What do you want?"

"Nothing at all! You're the most I could ever ask for...buuut since you brought it up, you might as well do me a teeny tiny favor." You rolled in bed, turning yourself towards his chest, you were too cozy to care about the intimacy. "Hmh?" You hummed in acknowledgment.

"Stop talking to Derrek."

You sat up immediately. Not once did you tell anyone who it was that you've been talking to. "How did you-" a finger shushed you. "I know about him, and I want you to stay away. Can you do that for me darling?" He smiled coyly, but really it felt like he was threatening you. "No...Wally I can't just ghost someone like that. Besides we're just friends." The arm around you tightened as you squirmed to get out of your own bed. "Oh I know, but I would really love it if you two would quit talking. I don't think he's right for you."

Your eyes narrowed at him, for once the cocky bastard didn't look so cocky. "Wally...are you jealous? Is that what all of this is about? The gifts, the dancing, the constant cuddle sessions from you and everyone else here?" You watched his body go rigid and his face scrunch up into what was almost a frown. Wow, he's actually kind of frowning for once. That was rare.

"Wally, we're not a thing. Derrek and I are just friends and I don't intend to ever date him. I'm glad you and the others really care about me this much but you really shouldn't worry about my safety." You spoke more softly, finally understanding where he was coming from. The iron grip on your waist didn't falter though and you felt yourself suddenly being forced into a bear hug.

Julie swatted Barnaby's long tie out of her face so she could lean in closer to the door to listen. Everyone else did their best not to make any noise as they listened in.

"Look, if it makes you feel any better I'll just tell him we're nothing more than friends and to keep it at that, but I can't just cut people out of my life like that...alright?"

An audible groan left everyone's mouth hearing that, startling you and Wally both. Silly host, how can you be so blind to love?

Looks like the dear reader doesn't understand just how much everyone loves them yet! Personally I don't think any of them would be the type to hurt you or others EXCEPT for Wally. I think they would probably just try to shower you with their love to make you like them more...however, if you are straying too far from them they may need to find a way to make you a permanent resident at the house, just not at your house. They've got a nice place just for you back Home.

[droogiesanddiscourse]

Father Paul NSFT Headcannons

Pairing: Father Paul | Monsignor John Pruitt x reader (Midnight Mass)

A/N: I am literally insane, and I am literally feral. No thoughts, only Father Paul and Hamish Linklater. I am going to hell and you are all coming down with me. Writing this made me literally dizzy. Dedicated to the very lovely @jacknives who helped flesh out many of these HCs in unhinged twitter convos <3 I would not be back writing without you

Warnings: Sexual content, 18+ ONLY, minors DNI. Millie, who's Millie? Reader is written as gn! but also includes talks of menstruation (if it doesn't apply to you, or makes you uncomfortable just ignore! there are tw before the HCs including blood), blood kink, this is incredibly sexual. Feedback is always appreciated, trying to really get the feel for this character.

✧ He asks you to pray with him before the act. The irony is not lost on you -- almost like this will cancel out the evenings sins. Both your knees on the wooden floor beside his bed, hands clasps together. Your heartbeat roaring in your ears. Quietly mumbling under his breath, his wooden rosary wrapped around his fingers. The same ones that will be inside you in due time.

✧ Obsessive about making you feel comfortable and gets genuinely upset if you demean yourself. If you attempt to cover yourself up, or ask for the lights off Paul will insist for you to reconsider. He has a serpents tongue for such a holy man.

✧ "God has made you in His perfect image. Meticulously crafted from dust. I want to see you as He intended. To deny yourself is to deny God, is that what you really want? Show me. Show me all of you. And I will show you all of me."

✧ The kindest, sweetest, most affectionate lover that has ever graced the face of this Earth. He sees you as his own personal deity; and angel sent directly from God to reward him for years of devotion. The Catholic guilt eats at him from time to time, constantly there in the back of his head. But, the way your bodies intertwine perfectly together, how his cock deliciously stretches you out like it was made for you and you alone. It could never feel like a sin to him. And if God Himself made pleasures this strong, who is Paul to deny it?

✧ You have to be reasonably quiet. God knows that if anything sounds off or suspicious Bev will rear her nosy head into your private life. He'll use his mouth to quiet moans threatening to escape from you.

✧ Paul is a quiet lover to begin with. His noises consisting mostly of flushed, broken moans that get caught in his throat. He is quite talkative though. His mouth on yours, panting in between hushed praises.

"You can take it, just a few more inches. I got you. You're so strong for me. My good angel..."

"Look at me, please. I - oh god - I want you to look at me when you cum."

"I-I can't control myself when you touch me like that. Don't stop."

"Can you feel me inside of you? How deep I am? You take me so well."

"Tell me what you want from me. Tell me where you need me the most."

✧ Enjoys giving more than receiving oral; for Adam was also tempted by the delicious apple betwixt Eve's thighs. What he lacks in skill he certainly makes up for enthusiasm. He uses the flat part of his tongue to drink from you, your taste the holiest of nectars. He loves your reactions to his ministrations too. How your thighs squeeze around his head, your nails digging into his scalp. You can feel the heat radiating off of his ears, flushed pink. Paul especially loves when you pull on his thick, black locks. The perfect combination of pleasure and pain.

✧ The way he looks when he hovers over you, member thrusting into your hot core is almost indescribable. Sweat starts to curl his neatly styled hair, pieces becoming unruly and sticking to his forehead. The way his eyebrows furrow together in concentration, eyes half lidded in bliss. He will often forget his own strength. The angel blood which courses inside his veins has not only returned his youth, but given him a whole slew of other newfound abilities. His knuckles turn white as he holds onto the headboard of the bed, snapping the wood beneath his hand.

✧ Other times it manifests itself in bruises across your body - a bite too rough, a grab too strong. Being the sweetheart he is, Paul will profusely apologize for them when the post coital bliss had dissipated. But you love them, because they are proof that he was there. That you were in his bed. That his hands, his mouth, his body touched your skin. That he belongs to you, and you alone. Even if no one else knows.

✧ Loves it when you take the reins too. How his baritone register reaches up to a whine, breathy and high pitched moans as you edge him. And how delicious it will be later, smirking to yourself at mass while thinking about how easily you make him come undone. Watching this confident man deliver his sermon, know that he will be on his knees begging you to bring him the sweet release he craves just hours from now. If only the town knew...

✧ [tw // blood mention] It takes every ounce of his being to not give in to his most primal urges during sex. The mixture of pheromones and your natural scent makes his eyes glaze over, almost putting him into a trance. He'll bury his face into the side of your neck, leaving fresh bruises created by his mouth in his wake. How easy it would be to sink his canines into the soft flesh there, finding your pulse point. The sickeningly sweet concoction of iron and honey across his tongue, how he'd imagine your blood to taste.

This is your body, broken for the forgiveness of sin.

✧ [tw // blood mention] He will break this rule only sometimes. If you are someone who menstruates, he will have a strong fascination with period sex. As long as you are comfortable with it, of course. The disgusting need to see you covered with blood immediately makes his pants tighten just at the thought. While eating you out, the combination of your unique taste mixed with the tang of blood turns him into something you barely see. Your soft spoken pastor becomes an insatiable lust-driven demon.

✧ [tw: blood mention] Drinking the angel's blood straight from the cruet while taking you from behind, his thrusts sloppy and erratic. Blood running down the side of his mouth, his eyes wild. Your head looking over your shoulder, mouth agape as he pours the remaining contents directly onto the curvature of your back. He is an animal, and this satisfies the craving inside him as he licks it off of you.

✧ Once you are both fully spend and fucked out, he doesn't want to separate from you. He lets you catch your breath, both your hearts returning in sync. His large hand, pushing stray hairs off of your face and grazing his thumb against your cheek. You can still feel his heartbeat inside of you.

"Don't move, I want to stay like this."

✧ His cock still buried deep inside you, arms wrapped around your waist as you both drift off. Warmth. Comfort. Protection. Together you are one until the morning light. In which this perfect solitude will be once again washed away. From lovers back to secrecy in the blink of an eye.

Paradise lost.

[cuddlesomeone]

You mentioned a raditz lives and relaxes & softens WIP a while ago and honestly I can't get it out of my mind. I just Had to say that i love the idea and if it ever works out to publish i am sat with popcorn

happy to hear you’re interested!! and also darn you, you prompted me to work on it some more lol. here, blease have this fairly big preview of it

There’s a lot of delicious food on Earth, some of it salty, much of it sweet. Raditz devours every bit provided to him by his sister-in-law at mealtimes. He supplements with lots and lots of food he hunts and gathers with Kakarot on Mount Paozu, street food from the city, as well as prepackaged snacks he hoards from the nearest convenience store. 

Like all Saiyans, Raditz gluts himself at every opportunity. His family—gods, he has a family again—is more than willing to indulge him. He doesn’t understand at first. Vegeta and Nappa sure as shit never shared with him.

Goten gleefully shares novelty-flavored chips and sweets with Raditz, chattering all the while about whether or not Vegeta’s brat will enjoy them, too. Gohan is partial to fruits and vegetables with heaping spoonfuls of peanut butter that he can eat while he studies. Raditz steals the occasional apple or carrot stick from him while Gohan scowls good-naturedly. Kakarot, of course, understands his appetite better than most and will go on hunting and fishing trips at the slightest provocation. Even Chi-Chi, who is at best annoyed by his presence, gives Raditz little bites of curries and dumpling fillings under the guise of taste testing.

At first he swallows every bit all in large, greedy gulps, terrified of having it taken away. Only after many months of living in the Son household does he register he can take the time to savor it all. Even then, he winds up eating more than both of the teenaged boys combined with his snacking.

When he was in the Freeza Force he had to deal with rations and enemy corpses as his primary food sources, the former of which always tasted bland and samey and the latter of which varied in edibility. He gobbled up everything in front of him in his past life, sure, but living on Earth makes him a glutton even by Saiyan standards.

Who can blame him? Earth food is delectable. Unsurprisingly, Earth food in Saiyan-sized quantities can also be fattening.

Were it not for his hypermetabolism, Raditz has no doubt that he would now weigh as much as a small dinosaur between muscle and fat in his base form. As it is, he’s still a fair bit bigger. He has trouble encircling his tail all the way around his girth anymore. It has to slip beneath the overhang of his gut. When he crosses his arms, he's hyperaware of how his pecs and arms have plumped. He carried a lot of weight in his thighs to begin with thanks to his sinewy quads and hamstrings. Now they're even wider thanks to a thicker layer of adipose. The same goes for his ampler ass. His lower body tests the seams of the pants Chi-Chi let out for him.

He looks less like a soldier and more like a guard grown lazy after too long at a remote outpost these days. Even so, he’s… happy. Content. Has he ever felt that way before?

[althaiareads]

Hiya, I'm normally way too anxious to pop into someone's asks but I love the selection of Joel and Tommy Miller fics you have. Do you have any authors you would recommend for either of them and any fics you'd recommend? Thank you <3

Aaaahhhhh! Thank you so much for sending an ask! It means the world to me that you enjoy my carefully curated (not at all) blog. You are so lovely!!

As for recs... I recently responded an ask with outbreak day themed fics, and I wholeheartedly recommend their work. They are amazing writers.

Here you have some more recs.

For authors, a.k.a. please read their entire masterlists:

@ay0nha is just an amazing writer, seriously. Their work is absolutely incredible. I would recommend Dead Man Walking and Violent Delights, Violent Ends, both are Tommy Miller fics that are unbelievable! I am currently in a brain rot over VDVE Tommy, it's so good.

@inej-ruination-ghafa again, because I just love her so much. I am in the process of devouring her entire masterlist. I would recommend Bloody Hands for Tommy Miller, absolutely amazing! As for Joel I would go with Mine it's just so cute, absolutely incredible.

@pedgeitopascal just read her entire masterlist. Please. Vee is an amazing writer, everything she writes is gold. If I had to rec some of her work, I would go with To do the right thing (which she's turning into a full out series and I'm so excited about it) and A safe haven an ongoing series that I love so much. But seriously, go through her entire masterlist, I did, and wow.

@inklore I mean, Laur is a must when talking fic recs. Her work is amazing, she's in hiatus right now, but she has posted some of the most delicious smut I have read in my life, and I say this as a non smut girly. My fav would have to be Folly it has the angsty edge I love. It is part of the wicked game series, and I love it.

@nexusnyx Nyx, the absolute love of my life. Her writing is straight up poetry, I love it. I melt in compliments whenever she posts. My favs from her are the series Journey to Kintsugi, and this drabble, both are for Joel Miller. Again, please check out her entire masterlist.

@kteague have I recc'd them yet? I don't know, but they are astonishing! Their work is art in every single way. My fav has got to be A Future Together, I promise there's the most twisted unexpected twist halfway through the series that'll make you question your life!

@guess-my-next-obsession is absolutely incredible! I would rec Elementary a series set pre outbreak, and all the drabbles she's put out in that universe.

For one-shots or short series, a.k.a. people that I have not yet had the time to read all their work, but they are absolutely amazing:

Tommy Miller

It will come back by @moonlight-prose the softest hottest smut you'll read in your life, I promise. One of the first Tommy fics I read, I think, and it made me fall for the man.

The best thank you by @augustghosts it's domestic, established relationship with Tommy, and it's so cute. Tommy is a little shit sometimes, but that's okay, he makes up for it.

You are the reason by @angsty-twihardxx it's a three part series, and omg did I suffer reading it! Angsty as fuck, and absolutely beautiful, I loved the ending so much.

Apple of my eye by @gtgbabie0 is just so me, you know? It's set in Jackson, and it is just the cutest.

But then I found her by @iraot right so. I cried. A lot. So, I think you should too. That's all I'm gonna say. Please check it out, it's amazing.

Joel Miller

Safe & Sound by @pagesfromthevoid Cress is an amazing writer! And I wholeheartedly recommend all of her work. This is her first Joel Miller series and is just so good? Two chapters out, and I am eating this shit up!

Why She Spared Me by @colonelarr0w spoilers for the game TLO2, so careful, love. But... I sobbed like a baby reading this. It hurt, it broke my heart, it was awful, I loved it.

This one by @forever-rogue wing woman Ellie for the win. Joel being all nervous, Jackson being the safe place it is. It's such a cute and fun read, amazing!

Unexpected by @typingcorgi okay, this one is HOT! But also, soft, it is a lovely relationship between the two of them and I love it so much. I am eagerly waiting for the last part <3

Ughh, I feel like I'm forgetting many talented writers, and I've come back like 20 times already, but that's all I have for now :(

Please if anyone has more recs, do add them! 🫶🏻🩷🫶🏻

Happy reading, love <3

[staygoldwriting]

🍔 Anniversary Dinner

Summary: Eddie cooks for you, but almost nothing goes to plan 😂

Word count: ~1.4k

Warnings: fluff!

A/N: I hope you enjoy this fic! It’s a celebration of love theme, so I’m posting this for Valentine’s Day 🤗 Please let me know what you think, and, as always, please show love and support! ❤️✨

“So, Eddie, what exactly should I expect for tonight?”

“Well, I don’t want to give anything away, but make sure that you’re ready to eat the most delicious meal of your life!” Eddie said excitedly through the phone.

“Okay, sounds good,” you laughed. “And how fancy is this place? What should I wear?”

“Pajamas,” Eddie replied.

“You’re joking.”

“Am not! I’m serious, come to my place in your pajamas, the comfiest ones you can find.”

“You better not be tricking me, Munson!”

“I swear I’ll never trick you! You’re my princess, the angel of my life, the reason I wake up in the morning, my inspirat-”

“Okay, okay! I believe you!” you chuckled. “And six o’clock at your place, right?”

“Yes ma’am,” Eddie replied sweetly. “I can’t wait to see you,” he sang.

“Me either,” you sang back. “I love you.”

“I love you too, sweetheart.”

-🍔-

You pulled up to Eddie’s trailer nervously. You trusted Eddie, but it still didn’t calm your nerves that he called and you missed the message to change before coming over. Nonetheless, you took a deep breath and knocked on the door. As he opened the door, you saw him in a matching set of blue pajamas with yellow rubber ducks on them, completed with his favorite gray slippers and an apron.

“Hello, my love! Welcome to the best restaurant experience of your life!”

“No way,” you chuckled, leaning in to kiss him. “Are you cooking for me?”

“She is beautiful and smart,” he winked. “Yes, my sweet, tonight, I will be making us a three-course meal, starting with fresh and delicate salad with candied pecans and apples, a main course of chicken parmesan, and finished with cheesecake.” 

“Oh my gosh, that’s all so fancy! I feel so special,” you gushed. “Do you need any help?”

“Not at all! I have a seat ready for you here,” he said, pointing to the armchair he moved to the edge of the kitchen, “and I have some sparkling apple juice for you.”

“Wow, thank you, baby! This is so special!” you said as you sat down. You smiled at him as he turned back to his work.

“The salad will be ready in five minutes, so tell me about your day,” he said as he pulled some bowls out. 

“Oh, well, work was good, not too much going on. It’s nice to have a quiet day, you know?”

“Absolutely,” Eddie said.

“So then I got off of work, and then I went over to Family Video to get us a movie for tonight, but they didn’t have a lot of options I liked, so I brought some games instead, they’re in my car. Steve and Robin say hi, by the way.”

“Hi to them too,” Eddie said. “I saw Robin earlier this week, she’s the one who gave me the chicken recipe.”

“Oh, nice! We’ll have to let her know how it was,” you said, sipping your drink. “How was your day?”

“Oh, it was okay, lots of grocery shopping,” Eddie said, looking at you and grinning. “I’ve been excited for this, but pretty nervous. I hope everything turns out well. I’m not much of a cook.”

“I’m sure it’ll taste great!” you encouraged. “What else did you do?”

“Not much else since it’s my day off. I got to sleep in, which was rare. I made the cheesecake, did some grocery shopping, mainly just preparing for today,” he shrugged.

“Well, I appreciate it very much,” you said, kissing his cheek. You looked over at the food. “This all looks really good, when can we eat?”

“Right now! Please take your seat, madam,” he said professionally, making you giggle.

Eddie prepared two plates of salad as you settled down at the dining table. He walked over to you triumphantly, placing the plates down. You gasped as you saw how beautiful the salad was, with perfect slices of apples and a fancy drizzling of dressing.

“Eddie, you’re a chef, my love!” you giggled as you looked at your plate.

“I try,” he smirked, but blushed. “Dig in!”

You both chatted with each other more about your day and everything going on, all while enjoying the delicious food. 

“Well, let’s check on the chicken,” Eddie replied as he peeked in the oven. When he opened the door, black smoke came out.

“Uh oh.”

“What’s wrong, Eddie?” you asked.

Eddie reached into the oven and pulled out the dish, which was completely burnt. He looked up at you, pouting and looking guilty.

“I’m so sorry, baby,” he said sadly.

“Oh, it’s okay! Don’t worry about it,” you said, holding his cheeks and kissing his nose.

“No, no! Y/N, this was supposed to be perfect, I can’t believe this!” 

“It’s okay, it’s okay!” you tried to comfort him. 

“Well, I can’t just feed you salad,” he said grumpily.

“You made cheesecake, right?” you said with bright eyes. Eddie chuckled.

“Cheesecake for dinner sounds perfect to me,” he said, going over to the fridge. “I saved the reveal for you,” he said as he pulled out the springform pan. You clapped excitedly as he opened the tin, but then the filling started to run out.

“Quick! To the sink!” you said, moving the cheesecake over so that it spilled in the sink. Eddie hung his head in defeat.

“This can’t be happening,” he whispered.

“How long did you chill it for?” you asked quietly.

“I made it this morning, early. It must have been ten hours that it was chilling.”

“That’s plenty of time. I wonder what happened,” you said.

“I’m a failure of a cook, that’s what,” he said, looking at you. “I really wanted to make this night special for you.”

“You have,” you said, putting your arms around his neck, “and you’re not a failure of a cook. You made a wonderful salad, and I’m sure the chicken would have been lovely.”

“Thanks, but I still feel terribly,” he sighed. “Well, what are we gonna do now?”

“There’s still an opportunity to make this a special night,” you said, a smile growing. “How often do we get to go out to dinner in our pajamas?” you asked, wiggling your eyebrows.

“You mean go out in public like this?” Eddie asked, looking shocked. You nodded.

“Why not? It’ll be fun! Besides, it’s not like this town can think we’re weirder,” you laughed, making Eddie chuckle and kiss you.

“Let’s do it!” 

-🍔-

You and Eddie laughed as you walked up to the diner, still in your pajamas and slippers. As he opened the door for you, you received many critical looks, but that only made you two giggle more. As you slid into a booth, a bored-looking waitress came over.

“If you’re going to prank us, just don’t spill anything on me, got it?” she half-mumbled.

“We’re not here to prank you, our homemade dinner just went wrong. We’re model citizens, ma’am,” Eddie said simply while folding his hands. 

“Whatever,” the waitress rolled her eyes. “What do you two want?”

“M’lady,” Eddie gestured towards you as you looked at the menu. “Spare no expense,” he winked.

“Can I have a burger with fries please, and Eddie, let’s split a milkshake like they do in the movies,” you giggled.

“Cookies and cream?” he asked deviously.

“What else?” you giggled.

“I’ll have the same as her then please, and a large cookies and cream milkshake with two straws,” Eddie said, handing the menus to the waitress. 

As the waitress left, Eddie turned to you and grabbed both of your hands, smiling softly.

“I’m sorry that my dinner for you didn’t work out, but I’m really happy to be here with you,” he said sweetly. 

“I’m really happy too,” you smiled, “And we can always make another attempt at the dinner. Maybe next time we can cook together! Although, my track record in the kitchen isn’t immaculate,” you chuckled.

“But if we make terrible food, at least it’ll be while we’re having fun,” Eddie smirked. 

You both heard the waitress groan as she approached with the milkshake. You two sat back and let go of each other’s hands as she placed the milkshake between you two and unceremoniously threw two straws on the table. You smiled at Eddie brightly as you stuck the two straws in the milkshake, then you both moved to take a sip. You two bumped your noses, and Eddie leaned forward and kissed you softly on the lips.

“Happy Anniversary, Y/N.”

“Happy Anniversary, Eddie. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

-🍔❤️-

Taglist: @tillkummer @mlle-ayka @sonicthehedgedoggo @klaine-92 @aurumbelis @onlyangel-444 @beep-beep-sherlock @morishitoshi @onceuponathreetwoone @toomanybandstocare @underthebatcape @zeldaknight @fieldofsecretss @prettyinpunk85 @igotbasicdrag @gothicfaires @thatonecurlygirl @luvthatlovestolove @loliakeoghan23 @dearelliewrites @mslunawinchester @aphex2winn @simonsbluee @inkedaztec @dumplinshee @pastel-abyss-x @frozenhuntress67 @hawkins-hs @witheringawayagain @theshinyrock @hollandcomics @pinkgothiccprincess @persephone13 @katsukis1wife @murnsondock @fictionlandslanddreams @srapalestina @babyghouly @madformunsonsstuff @harrys-tittie @middle--fingering @urmomgov @maybankstarkey @jbetches @stardustmunson @maltinonka

[sunnyhoneyshimmermagic]

(Dee Dee and Teddy are at town square, selling apples and introducing our story):

Dee Dee: Get 'em while they're fresh! Apples! Christmas apples!

Teddy: We got Mclntosh!

Dee Dee: Get your Christmas apples.

Teddy: Red Delicious. Tuppence apiece while they last. Whatever the fuck that means.

Dee Dee: We... They won't last long the way you're eating them.

Teddy: Hey. I'm creatin' scarcity. Drives the prices up. Read all about it in Ladie's Home Journal

Dee Dee (sighs): Teddy... (sees us) Hello! Welcome to The Big Nate Christmas Carol! I am here to tell the story, in my usual dramatic fashion!

Teddy: And I am here for the food and bantz! This Christmas, I wanna be written with an actual character!

Dee Dee: My name is Charles Dickens.

Teddy: And my name is Teddy Ortiz! Hey, wait a second. You're not Charles Dickens!

Dee Dee: I am too!

Teddy: No. Dickens was called that for a reason!

Dee Dee: omg it's 2023

Teddy: your name isn't even Charles!

Dee Dee: good, cringe name

Teddy: Dickens was a 19th-century novelist! A genius! God I hang around Francis too much.

Dee Dee: Oh, you're too kind. :3

Teddy: Why should I believe you?

Dee Dee: Well... Because I know the story of "A Christmas Carol" like the back of my hand.

Teddy: do I smell a wager?

Dee Dee: I hope, otherwise I didn't brush my teeth well.

Teddy: ugh, just prove it! Prove you know it!

Dee Dee: All right. Um, there's a little mole on my thumb, from when I tried to taste the wood on my stage, and, uh, a scar on my wrist, from when I fell off my bicycle performing as Lance Armstrong: licence to juice.

Teddy: No, No, No, No, Don't tell us your hand. Tell us the story!!

Dee Dee: Oh! Oh!

Teddy: Thank you. Yes.

Dee Dee (ahem): The Betancourts were dead to begin with.

Teddy: Wha, Wha... Pardon me?

Dee Dee: That's how the story begins, Teddy. The Betancourts were dead to begin with. As dead as a doornail.

Teddy (getting into it): ooh! It's a good beginning! It's creepy and kind of spooky. Like Mrs. Godfrey in a conga line.

Dee Dee: Thank you, Teddy!

Teddy: You're welcome, Mrs. Dickens!

Dee Dee: now, where was I? Ah, yes. In life, the Betancourts had been business partners... With a shrewd moneylender named Gina Hemphil-Scrooge. You will meet her as she comes around that corner.

Teddy: Where?

Dee Dee: There. See, next to the klassic komix and Mr. Pretzel?

Teddy: Uh huh! When?

Dee Dee: Not yet... Not yet... Let the tension rise...

Teddy: I am, I am!

Dee Dee: ...Now!

(Gina enters, draped in a black coat and top hat, carrying a cane. Every step calculated and cold)

Dee Dee: There she is! Ms. Gina Hemphil-Scrooge.

Teddy: Say, Is it gettin' colder out here?

(Song)

Emmit the custodian: When a cold wind blows it chills you

Chills you to the bone

Czerwicki: But there's nothing in nature that

Freezes your heart

Like years of being alone

Rosa: It paints you with indifference

Like a lady paints with rouge

Clarke: And the worst of the worst

The most hated and cursed

Is the one that we call Scrooge (yeah)

Chester: Unkind as any

And the wrath of many

This is Gina Hemphil-Scrooge

Miranda, Angie, Kelly, Trudy, Kim, Jenny: Oh, there goes Ms. Humbug

There goes Ms. Grim

If they gave a prize for bein' unfair

The winner would be her

Brindle: Oh, Gina loves her money

'Cause she thinks it gives her power

If she became a flavor you can bet she would be sour

Staples, Shipulski, Calhoon, John, Galvin: There goes Ms. Skinflint

There goes Ms. Greed

The undisputed mistress of

The underhanded deed

Marty: She charges folks a fortune

For her dark and drafty houses

Vern and Marge: Poor folk live in misery

Uncle Ted: It's even worse for louses

Miranda, Angie, Kelly, Trudy, Kim, Jenny: She must be so lonely

She must be so sad

She goes to extremes

To convince us she's bad

She's really a victim of fear and of pride

Look close and there must be

A sweet girl inside.

...

Naaaah!

Everyone: There goes Ms. Outrage

There goes Ms. Sneer

Ahe has no time for friends or fun

Her anger makes that clear

Don't ask her for a favor

'Cause her nastiness increases

No crust of bread for those in need

No cheeses for us meeses

There goes Ms. Heartless

There goes Ms. Cruel

She never gives

She only takes

She lets this hunger rule

If bein' mean's a way of life you

Practice and rehearse

Then all that work is paying off

'Cause Gina's getting worse

Every day

In every way

Gina is getting worse!

(Gina sharply turns, giving a cold stare)

Everyone: OH, UM, I HAVE SOMETHING TO DO SUDDENLY

(They escape)

Gina (quiet rage): ...Humbug.

[oflights]

i would like to know about: 🍰 and 🍦!

yesss i was hoping to get the dessert one haha

🍰 what’s your favorite dessert to eat? do you have a favorite to make?

i love red velvet cake (mostly as a vehicle for cream cheese frosting, my beloved) and also anything apple-based, so apple pie, apple crisp; my friend makes candied apple shortbread cookies and they are amazing.

in a similar vein, i love to bake apples. i stuff them with cinnamon/crushed graham crackers/butter plus whatever i might have on hand and bake them until they're all soft and syrupy and delicious. i'm more of a chef than a baker and that fits my dessert skill level nicely haha.

🍦 what are ten things you love about yourself?

aww this one is sweet, okay, let's think about this:

my skin! i have really good skin with a very simple (out of pure laziness) skincare routine, hashtag blessed

my tattoos, especially since we're coming up on the one year anniversary of my hobbit hole tattoo, which i adore

listen, i love my own cooking. i love to cook, and ray will literally eat anything i put in front of him because he's a human garbage disposal (affectionate), but i personally love everything i make and love catering to my specific tastes. i don't like lemon so i don't put lemon in things! etc.

i love reading and can read super fast and i love that for me tbh. i tend to hit a point with most books where i just gulp the whole thing down in one sitting and then forget i live in the real world and it's great.

my wardrobe is an excellent place right now. i have a few fun, exciting pieces to wear when i go into the office or somewhere fancy and feel like feeling myself, but have also built it out to be centered on feeling cute and comfortable over anything else, thanks to wfh most of the time

i have the same taste in music i've had since i was like 19 and i will never change it and i am very happy with that

i hate driving and have fully accepted that i'm just not a driver and don't want to be and that's what my car-obsessed husband is for

i love my birthday? is that about me? i love fall and having a fall birthday; it's a week before halloween so i usually do something spooky or some kind of seasonal activity and it's just A++ timing. i was supposed to be born close to christmas and wound up really premature and i like to think i engineered that somehow

this is really hard okay my hands? i play the piano and i've been told my entire life i have good hands for playing the piano 🤷🏻‍♀️

god this is so long. my writing!! i like to writing. i find it impossible to just...not write. i write all the time, a lot (clearly) and i would've stopped doing it ages ago if i didn't think it was any good, haha. there we go.

ask me love things!

[dykeseinfeld]

hi! i saw your holsom wild west au (absolutely delicious, by the way) and wanted to say: i’m not an expert by any means, but i am from west texas, so i have a bit of knowledge that might be relevant.

lassos are used for catching animals (usually cattle) that are running off and need to be put back in a certain pen or pasture. i don’t think most outlaws would particularly need lassos, because they’re not really working with livestock or homesteading, but it’s still a real useful tool. it’s always good to have rope on hand.

your horse is your best friend, and that horse might be smart or it might be stupid, but i can guarantee that it’s skittish and prone to getting spooked. you want to tie your horse to a fence post or something to keep it from wandering off or bolting if it gets scared.

there’s a lot more wildlife and plant life in the southwest than you might think! it’s not all desert, there are a lot of plains and prairies and plateaus out in there. i’m not sure where exactly you’re setting the story, but researching biodiversity in that region is always a great time, in my experience. in places that don’t get much rain, one of the best sources of water is the cacti. prickly pear cactus are very edible (both the tunas/cactus apples and the nopales/leaves are delicious. nopales are a bit of a staple in mexican cooking and my family used to make prickly pear jelly out of the tunas). there’s a lot of things for a horse, or a human, to eat out there. also, coyotes, deer, snakes, and mountain lions tend to avoid people, but snakes will sometimes curl up in a boot or hat or saddle bag while you’re sleeping and be real mad about being woken up. rattle snakes aren’t a huge issue: they only rattle to give you a warning to get away, and they rattle almost every time you see one. that’s part of why you don’t take your boots off when you’re sleeping.

a cowboy, especially out on the range, needs to be able to wake up in the middle of the night and immediately deal with a problem, so he tends to sleep in his jeans with his boots on. he also only takes off his hat at churches, weddings, and funerals. also, fun flavortext: if you’re wearing a man’s hat, it’s basically a big “i’m taken by him” sign, kinda like wearing a guy’s jacket, but a little more permanent.

it gets HOT in the daytime. from around 11-3 is the hottest part of the day, and it’s miserable to be working out there in those conditions. if you can find a place to take a little noontime nap, that’s gonna be real nice, and it means you can sleep less during the night.

sorry if i’m overstepping, and feel free to disregard this entirely. also, you can fudge the details quite a bit in favor of a more “hollywood” wild west aesthetic; john wayne would probably give you the answers you want more than i could. good luck! i’m very excited about this au.

-chaos

p.s. i just realized how long this was. sorry about that 😅

i just realized the post i saw was from july. feel free to ignore me! -chaos

wait thank you so much! lol the post is old but i've actually been working on that fic the past few days so all this is super helpful lmao tyy

[heavymetalmuppet]

sycamore girl || chapter 2: the inquisition

i have a challenge for all readers! in the spirit of tikkun olam, i'm posing to u all what i'll call the TZEDAKAH CHALLENGE: every time i post a chapter, if u have $5 or more to spare, donate it to life for gaza, a campaign by the municipality of gaza to restore access to clean water, rebuild roads, and clean up waste. there's a health crisis in gaza from the destruction of infrastructure during the ongoing genocide; let's do what we can to help. leave a comment with the amount u donate, and i'll tally it up to see how much we can raise together by the end of the fic!

word count: 2936 warnings: dealing with familial death, grief < prev || chapter masterlist || next >

also available on ao3

—

The echoes of dreams whispered around her, flowing like water, fading as she drifted. Soft and slow as a falling feather, the waves of sleep carried her to stirring shallows. She could feel the cot beneath her, hear scuffles. The air didn’t hum anymore.

Adahlee opened her eyes.

She was back in the room in the chantry, a little less bare. An end table with water had been set up beside her cot. Slowly, she perched on her elbow—

“Oh!”

Adahlee startled, as did the person entering the room. She didn’t recognize them; an elf, who dropped a crate on the floor. They blurted, “I didn’t know you were awake, I swear.”

“Um…” Adahlee's voice was small, and parched. “It’s okay. I just woke up.”

“Oh, Maker.” The person held a hand to their chest. “Did I wake you?”

“No, I—”

They fell to their knees in a bow. “I beg your forgiveness, and your blessing. I am but a humble servant.”

Adahlee, her mouth hanging open, couldn’t respond. They continued: “You are back in Haven, my lady. They say you saved us. The Breach stopped growing, just like the mark on your hand.”

The mark. Adahlee looked down at her palm; it still glowed with power, but its flames no longer crept up her veins like venom. It was still, just as the air. So that’s why the hum was gone.

“It’s all anyone has talked about for the last three days!”

The door, which had stood ajar, creaked open. Solas peered in, holding a few rolls of parchment and a bundle in one arm. “Ah, you're awake.”

The elf scrambled to their feet, but still bowed low to Adahlee. “I promise, ser healer, I didn’t mean to disturb the Lady Herald!”

Adahlee tilted her head; she was utterly puzzled, but still, a little spark of joy lit up her heart. Lady? She had never been called a Lady, but certainly not Herald, either. “If—if you mean me, you didn’t disturb me. It’s alright.”

“Oh.” They straightened, looking painfully awkward.

Solas brushed past them, setting the rolls of parchment on the desk next to others. “Thank you for your delivery.”

“Oh!” They hastily picked up the crate they had dropped. “Yes! Supplies for you, my lady.” They set it near the end of her cot, and Adahlee sat up further to find a large trunk and her boots had been placed there, as well. “I’m certain Lady Cassandra would want to know you’ve wakened. She’s here in the chantry, with the Lord Chancellor. ‘At once,' she said!”

Then the person bowed low once more, and hurried out of the room, closing the door behind them.

“Uh,” Adahlee said.

Solas sighed, setting the wrapped bundle on her bedside table. “I apologize. I had hoped you would not wake with a spectacle.”

“It’s—it’s okay.” Adahlee watched him untie the bundle, revealing a hunk of bread, cheese, and an apple. It wasn’t until then did she realize how utterly ravenous she was. “Is that for me?” She asked hopefully.

“Yes, for you. Please, eat; you've been under incredible duress.”

Adahlee took the apple, crunching into it hesitantly as Solas poured her a cup of water. With how long she’d been unconscious, it was the most delicious thing she'd ever eaten. She took the offered cup, chugged half of it in one go, then took a breath. “What happened? The Breach is sealed?”

“Not quite.” Solas sat on a nearby stool, giving her space. “You successfully sealed the rift that opened it, and the Breach has been stabilized, but it remains.”

“No more demons pouring out of it?” She asked, tearing into the bread.

“No, but there is still the matter of the smaller rifts in its wake. I am told that they have spread across southern Thedas.”

Adahlee breathed deeply, trying to stay calm. The echoes of the havoc wrought rang in her ears.

“The good news is that your mark stabilized with the Breach,” Solas said. “You will live.”

Adahlee deflated, relief sweeping through her and allowing her shoulders to slump. She would live, she thought then, but her mother was gone. Adahlee went quiet.

If Solas noticed her relief change, he said nothing. “How are you feeling?”

Her first instinct was to just say, okay. But she thought, for a moment, and swallowed another bite of her apple. “… Kind of gross,” she admitted.

Solas' lips twitched up in amusement. “Yes, being unconscious for so long will do that. Keep eating, and take a walk when you feel ready. How about the mark?”

Adahlee gazed down at it, contemplative. She made a fist, and unfurled it again. “It… sort of buzzes. And…” She mulled over the words. “It’s like fire, but not burning. It doesn’t hurt anymore.”

“Good.” Solas stood, and went to the table, unrolling a piece of parchment. “Haven’s apothecary and I have been studying it, and monitoring your condition. I hope you don’t mind if I add this to our notes?”

“Oh. Go ahead.” She watched Solas write as she chewed. Quietly, she added: “Um… thank you. For taking care of me.”

“No thanks are needed,” Solas said evenly. He didn’t look at her.

The room was quiet, then, but for her eating and the scratch of a quill. Meekly, she broke the silence. “Cassandra wanted to see me, didn’t she?”

“She can wait until you are ready. I doubt she would want you to strain yourself. I understand that she and Sister Leliana are busy with Chancellor Roderick, anyways.”

Adahlee cringed at the mention of the Chancellor. Solas glanced up to see it. “Don’t fret,” he assured, “we will not allow any harm to come to you. He can do nothing.”

“Are you certain?”

“I am.”

She was cautious, still, but relented. “… Okay.”

When Solas was finished, he said he would leave her to freshen up. Adahlee hesitantly asked if he would show her the way to Cassandra, when she was ready; he obliged, and would wait in the hall.

“But take your time,” he reminded her. “There is no rush.”

Adahlee nodded, and Solas, seemingly satisfied, turned to leave.

Then, a question re-entered her head. “Solas?”

Solas paused with his hand on the door, looking over his shoulder at her. “Yes?”

“What was all that? With the, you know…” Adahlee waved her hand. “’Lady Herald,' and the bowing.”

Solas contemplated for a moment, his eyes flicking down, then back to her. “You will find out soon enough.”

Then he slipped out the door, leaving Adahlee to her confusion.

But in the quiet, the first calm since the whirlwind of her waking hours, confusion made way: a potent throb of euphoria, grief, and fear filled her chest.

Adahlee.

Mother.

I'm me.

But what do I do?

Tears fell unbidden, and Adahlee clutched the front of her shirt, like she was trying to hold her heart lest it burst from her.

Eventually, she worked through her tears, and every crumb of the best meal she’d had in a long time. Cried out and clean, Adahlee stood in front of her door. What would await her, outside of it?

Adahlee breathed in, and out. She curled her bare toes against the cool stone. The mark buzzed so very gently in her palm. She screwed her eyes shut. Creators, or whoever is out there, anyone or anything that is kind—she opened her eyes. Please give me strength.

With a breath, she eased open the door.

For all of that, the bare hall of the chantry was rather anticlimactic; it held little else but Varric and Solas, leaning against the stone wall. Adahlee had to give herself a nervous little chuckle.

Varric waved kindly at her with a grin. “Hey, sleepyhead. What’s so funny?”

Adahlee smiled, and lightly stepped out, closing the door behind her. “Nothing,” she said softly. “Thanks for coming to see me.”

“Well, our hero is awake! Of course I'm gonna come by.”

Adahlee balked. “Hero?”

“I did see you fix that pesky hole in the sky, you know. Seems like hero shit to me.”

“You have done well, Adahlee,” Solas agreed.

Adahlee was fairly sure she was going red, judging by the warmth when she touched her hand to her face, stammering thanks. Varric had a twinkle in his eye, pushing off the wall and clapping her on the back. “And lived to tell the tale, since Chuckles here says you’re gonna be just fine.”

Solas raised an eyebrow at the nickname. Adahlee snickered, trying and failing to hide it behind her hand. Varric’s shit-eating grin and Solas’ dry stare only made it that much harder.

“Come,” Solas beckoned, rather quick to move on. Adahlee pressed her lips together to keep from giggling.  “Cassandra is this way.”

Her expression fell a tad, knowing that Chancellor Roderick would be there. Varric glanced at her, trailing behind as she was led down the hall. “Why not just go for a stroll?” He suggested. “Let the kid have a break.”

“I don’t mind,” Adahlee said quietly.

Varric sighed. “Alright, but if you need some time, don’t hesitate to take it. I'll be around if you want; I’m sure I could scrounge up a deck of cards somewhere…”

Adahlee smiled at him, genuine. “Thank you.”

She could hear the arguing now, and Adahlee huddled nervously to Solas as he opened the door.

Roderick, Cassandra, and Leliana looked up from a table, and Adahlee inched behind Solas ever so slightly, wary of their gazes and the templars guarding the door within.

“Chain her.” Roderick pointed at her, and Adahlee flinched. “I want her prepared for travel to the capital for trial.”

“Disregard that,” Cassandra ordered immediately. The glare she gave Roderick was downright furious. “And leave us.” The templars saluted, and walked out, leaving Adahlee feeling a little less apprehensive.

“Then I don’t see why they can stay here,” the Chancellor sneered at Solas and Varric. Solas regarded him with distaste, and Varric scoffed.

“They may, if Adahlee so wishes,” Cassandra insisted.

“You walk a dangerous line, Seeker,” Roderick warned.

Varric leaned over and whispered to her: “He’s just raising a fuss because he can’t do much else. You don’t have to worry about him.”

Adahlee nodded slightly, and tried to take it to heart. At least she knew Cassandra and Leliana wouldn’t let him pull anything. “I—I think I'll be alright.”

Solas looked concerned, but acquiesced. “Very well. I’ll be in the hall, if I’m needed.”

“Me too.” Varric patted her arm with a reassuring smile, and the two of them followed the templars out the door.

“It is good to see you awake,” Leliana said kindly. It made Adahlee glad, but she still hesitated to approach the table, standing and fiddling with her fingers.

“Come, you need not be shy,” Cassandra beckoned. “We would have you take part in this discussion.”

Slowly, Adahlee stepped forward. Her brows furrowed. “Why?”

“Somehow, you have been plunged into this disaster.” Cassandra sighed. “I wish it were not so, but there it stands. Your mark has stabilized the Breach, but it remains a threat that cannot be ignored.”

“And how do we know that was not her intent?” Roderick accused while pointedly ignoring her. Despite her nerves, it made her want to stomp her feet and yell. How could I have done this? Why would I have ever done this?

“Have a care, Chancellor,” Cassandra said around gritted teeth. Adahlee could see her hands had balled into fists on the table. “The Breach is not the only threat we face.”

“Someone was behind the explosion at the Conclave.” Leliana's tone was hard. “Someone Most Holy did not expect. Perhaps they died with the others—or, have allies that yet live.” She glowered at him.

“I am a suspect?” Roderick balked.

“You, and many others.”

“But not the girl.” Roderick deigned to look at her, yet still didn’t say a word to her. Adahlee bit her tongue before she could snap; she knew how that would end.

“No matter what else you may think, I heard the voices at the Temple.” Cassandra leaned forward, certainty in her eyes. “The Divine called to her for help.”

“So her survival, that thing on her hand—all a coincidence?”

“Providence,” Cassandra insisted, then looked to Adahlee. “The people are calling you the Herald of Andraste. They believe Andraste Herself was the woman behind you, leading you out of the Fade, and the mark is Her gift. Whether or not that is true—the Maker still sent you to us in our darkest hour.”

Adahlee's jaw dropped, and she stared, bug-eyed, at Cassandra. The Herald of Andraste? Did they think her a new prophet? Her? An elven girl who grew up beneath the branches of a vhenadahl, who was never good enough for the Andrastian shemlen; disallowed her own gods, her own ways, yet still disallowed to thrive in their spaces? By their standards? And in the name of a prophet who stood beside an ancestor to free her people. Some strange tempest of emotion swirled in her—fury, bitterness, disbelief, smugness, that quickly drained to something cold and weary. Finally, she said with firmness that startled herself: “I’m not holy.”

Cassandra raised her eyebrows. “Oh?”

“No. I'm not. I'm just…” Adahlee looked down at her hands, and then back up. “Well. I don’t know. But I'm not that. I'm an elf, anyway.”

“No matter who you are, or what you believe, you are exactly who we needed when we needed it.” Cassandra turned from the table and picked something up, but Adahlee couldn’t see what it was.

“In any case, the Breach remains,” Leliana said gently, “and your mark is still our only hope of closing it.”

“This is not for you to decide,” Roderick growled.

Cassandra slammed what she held onto the table: a thick tome, emblazoned with a fiery eye on the front. She pointed a finger to it. “You know what this is, Chancellor. A writ from the Divine, granting us the authority to act.” Cassandra took a step back, and stood tall. “As of this moment, I declare the Inquisition reborn.”

The Inquisition? Adahlee had never heard of such a thing. She watched Cassandra advance on the Chancellor, who backed away nervously, as Cassandra asserted: “We will close the Breach, we will find those responsible, and we will restore order. With or without your approval.”

Roderick stared between Cassandra and Leliana, disbelieving. Then, without a word, he walked out. Adahlee breathed a sigh of relief.

Leliana skirted around the bend of the table. “This is the Divine's directive: rebuild the Inquisition of old. Find those who will stand against the chaos.” She shook her head. “We aren’t ready. We have no leader, no numbers, and now no Chantry support.”

“But we have no choice: we must act now.” Cassandra looked to Adahlee. “With you at our side.”

Adahlee leaned against the table, feeling she would be swept away in a current of doubts if she didn’t. Questions raced through her head. “What was 'the Inquisition of old,' exactly?” She began.

“It preceded the Chantry,” Leliana explained. “People who banded together to restore order in a world gone mad.”

“After,” continued Cassandra, “they laid down their banner and formed the Templar Order. But the templars have lost their way. We need those who can do what must be done united under a single banner once more.”

“But aren’t you still part of the Chantry?”

Cassandra huffed with amusement. “Is that what you see?”

“The Chantry will take time to find a new Divine, and then it will wait for her direction.”

“But we cannot wait. So many Grand Clerics died at the Conclave…” Cassandra trailed off. “No, we are on our own. Perhaps forever.”

“We would like to make ourselves clear, Adahlee.” The way Leliana addressed her revealed a measure of softness beneath her cool exterior. “We will not make you do anything against your wishes. We will not make you stay, if you wish to leave.”

“But we can keep you safe at our side,” Cassandra said honestly. “We can help you. And you, in turn, would not only help us—but all those affected by this chaos.”

Adahlee's knees trembled. “Where else would I have to go?” She whispered, feeling the creeping despair at the back of her throat. “Back to the Ostwick alienage? Alone? Mother and I took to work here because we had no food.” Adahlee let out a breathless, humourless laugh; she felt almost mortified for it, but it didn’t quite get past the cold numbness of shock. “I’m an orphan now.” The beginnings of tears stung her eyes. “I have nothing.”

“You have the whole world laid before you,” Leliana murmured. Adahlee couldn’t quite place the look in her blue eyes. “Even without the mark on your hand. Never do you have nothing.”

Cassandra nodded. “I cannot say it will be easy. And by the Maker, I wish we could give you a proper home.” She leaned forward. “But I swear this to you: if you wish to stay, you will always be protected, and we will always honour your presence, and your choices.”

“I’ve never been given honour or choices,” was the first thing to come from Adahlee.

“Then perhaps it is time to start.” Cassandra extended her hand. “Help us fix this before it’s too late.”

Adahlee stared at the proffered hand. It was a truce; an oath. She was thrown onto a strange path, but it could be walked together. As equals.

Slowly, Adahlee took Cassandra's hand, and found her own grip to be strong.

[faye-writes-stories]

Just remembered my English assessment from last term! This is a rewrite of The Juniper Tree by the Brothers Grimm, written by Marlenes perspective (Marlene is the main characters 11 yr old step sister)

The Original: https://sites.pitt.edu/~dash/grimm047.html

Once upon a time I thought my family was happy. Apparently, we weren’t. But…that’s just how life goes, isn’t it?   Whatever. It’s fine.   The last time I thought we were happy was right before Daddy had to go to war. He said he’d come back!!! He never did. And then Mummy went and found me a new Daddy! And then I had a brother! I loved my brother. He was amazing. Is? I don’t know. Is he even him anymore? 

Honestly I have no clue. None at all. But I suppose the best way to figure it out, figure out what even happened, is to start from the beginning. Well, from what is the beginning of this part. 

I got home from my best friend Aurelias house. Mother called me in and asked if I wanted an apple. I’d hand picked them from the tree in our yard merely days ago! Of course I wanted one! But I didn’t wish to be disrespectful to my brother who was sitting just outside, so I went outside to ask if he wanted one, but he ignored me! How rude! I told Mother so, and she told me to shake him. But when I did, his head fell off. He looked just like a Dullahan!  

When Mother asked what I was screaming about, I ran back inside, bawling my eyes out, completely incoherent. Mother eventually got me to speak, so… I told her what had happened. How I had shaken my own brothers head off. To my shock she just sighed and told me that I must help her cook him for dinner or the guards would come and take me away and I didn’t want that now, did I? 

So that’s what I did, and I very much regret it. I carried Brother inside and helped mother chop him up and cook him into a stew! She set his bones aside, and after we’d finished, I secretly took then, wrapping them in my best silk scarf and carrying him over to that juniper tree that he had so loved, the one that he’d once told me his true mother had been buried beneath, and I buried his bones right next to hers. Oddly enough… I felt better! As if I hadn’t shaken my brothers head off mere hours ago! As if somehow, everything would be fine. Even though it was absolutely not. Then this mist arose from the tree, the centre burning like fire and a bird flew out! The most beautiful I’d ever seen!  

Then Mother called me for dinner. 

I barely ate anything, but both Mother and New Father acted like they were starved! Now, New Father could be justified. He didn’t know he was eating his own, son, but Mother? Mother knew what she was doing. Mother didn’t care.  

Father found it delicious though… and it absolutely turned my stomach… he enjoyed eating his own son, albeit he wasn’t aware… 

Hours later, we were all sitting around the table, Mother and Father were talking, but I didn’t hear what about. I was desperate to tell Father what I’d done… But I couldn’t! Mother said that he’d surely call the guards so I had to stay quiet! So… I did. But then, I was suddenly overcome by tears, crying and crying and crying, when I suddenly heard a beautiful song. 

“My mother, she killed me,   My father, he ate me,   My sister Marlene –“ it sang. 

At this, Father went outside to see the bird.  

“Gathered all my bones,  Tied them in a silken scarf,  Laid them beneath the juniper tree,  Tweet tweet, what a beautiful bird am I…” the singing faded out as it dropped a golden chain around fathers neck. Father came back in, delighted by his chain as the bird started up its song again. 

This time, I decided that I must go out too, drying up my tears as I did. And the bird threw down the most beautiful pair of red slippers down to me! I slipped them on and danced into the house crowing about my beautiful new shoes! 

Mother jumped to her feet, her hair standing up straight like a shocked cat, nearly yelling her words.  “No! I feel as if the world is coming to an end. I too, will go out and see if it makes me feel better!” 

And with that, she whisked herself out the door, calling out to the bird.  “You have something for me! I know you do! Throw me down my gift!”  The garden was engulfed in flames and smoke, and while I couldn’t see a thing, I heard a scream, a strange squelching snapping noise, and a thud. When the scene cleared… I only saw for mere seconds before father covered up my eyes.  

Mother had been squashed under some large stone. A millstone, maybe? I couldn’t see. But… the bird was gone, and in its place, my beloved brother! Father lead me back in side, and when he uncovered my eyes we were back in the dining room, and brother was there.  

He sat us down at the table, and I nearly cried in relief when he explained that it hadn’t been me who had killed him, it had been my mother, and she had simply framed me… 

And we all, other than Mother, lived happily ever after. 

[finn0]

chipotle order?

OZ version is GYG or Zambrero in which case the beef burrito from GYG is somehow the shit, but zambie's used to have like an adobo chicken that was curried almost which was astonishingly delicious but now they don't do it, but I would suggest if you're making a burrito please put some curry in your pulled chicken or pork because it weirdly works so well with all the other regular mexican flavours

thoughts on veganism?

far too much work and you'll find yourself talking about it all the time. if you have to ask whether sour patch kids have gelatine in them and whether you're killing the planet by eating fists full of sugar shaped like pink watermelon babies, it's negating not having a bloody chicken wing once a decade

a specific color that gives you the ick?

really pale, almost washed out white people skin. like the peaky skin of someone who's about to be sick

mythical creature you think/believe is real?

I've encountered enough river eels to imagine that something fucked up and huge lives in Loch Ness. Or the Ogopogo in Canada. Or the Mongolian death worm. A giant worm in the sand dunes of the Gobi desert? Probably!

favorite form of potato?

Creamy dauphinoise with a tiny bit of chili in it. Or a really crisp latke.

do you use a watch?

no, irrelevant creation. also calling it a timepiece is so ridiculous.

what animal do you look forward to seeing when you visit an aquarium?

OCTOPUS

do you change into specific clothes for the house when you get home?

anything where i'm not sweaty and my balls can meet their best friends, my knees

do you have a skincare routine (and how many steps is it)?

Oh yes, cocoa butter vaseline on my face all day, hyaluronic acid after a shower around my eyes, same thing but in cream form as a night cream

on a plane, do you ask for apple or orange juice?

ginger ale, because air travel is the least likely place I will ever drink alcohol. and orange juice swells me up like poison ivy

anything from your childhood you’ve held on to?

a few trinkets, but I've never thrown a book away in my life

brand of haircare/bodycare/skincare that you trust 100%?

Dove cucumber soap

first thing you’re doing in the purge?

finding a former manager and breaking her limbs before throwing her down a well

do you think you’re dehydrated?

constantly

rank the methods of death: freezing, burning, drowning

best to worst: freezing, drowning, burning

thoughts on mint chocolate chip?

underrated and preferred

an anxious compulsion you do everyday?

vaping honestly.

your boba/tea order?

total waste of money. a teabag is 1 cent at home.

the veggie you dislike the most?

I used to violently hate beetroot until I learned how to roast them properly and a friend made some amazing borscht. So now? idk, even kale chips are good. love brussel sprouts. love parsnips. love asparagus. idk. I guess I've never had a turnip every before.

favorite disney princess movie?

I could not give less of a shit about disney

a number that weirds you out?

?

do you have an emotional support water bottle?

I have lost every water bottle I've ever owned within one week

do you wear jewelry?

I have 3 key rings that I wear on my pinky because if they fall off they're easily replacable and I also lost my engagement ring the very next day after the fact

which do you find yourself using, american or british english?

british because it's from there and I never have to say aluminum

would you say you have good taste in music?

oh. no.

how’s your spice tolerance?

incredible. i've eaten cayenne peppers raw as a snack

what’s your favorite or go-to outfit?

the least amount of short and shirts I can, I am out of control overheated at all times

last meal on earth?

honestly a crispy pork banh mi and a ripe mango that I eat over a sink

preferred pasta noodle?

rigatoni, with pork sausage, fennel, chili and cream. Ina Garten's recipe is the absolute bomb.

[abouttheateam]

This Week with Aric Adulting with Autism

Wednesday morning, dad woke me up at 7 am. I ate breakfast. Guess what it was? That’s right…2 slices of leftover pizza and cranberry pomegranate juice. I got ready for work. Kelly picked me up and of we went to the campground. There was a lot of dishes waiting for me. I started working and Kelly said I did a great job today. For lunch, we went to Chick-A-Fila. I ate my usual grilled chicken sandwich, waffles fries, and fruit punch. Then it was off to the community center for some basketball. We ended the day at the library. Kelly dropped me off at home around 4 pm. For dinner, we went to Primanti Bros. I ordered my usual hamburger, fries, and lemonade. the waitress asked if we wanted any dessert. I told her “cookies at home.”

Thursday morning, dad got a text from Kelly. She is sick and not picking me up today. I slept until 8:30 because dad didn’t wake me up. I decided to print Thomas and Friends DVD covers and directions for a school today and hang them on my bedroom wall. I printed a lot of pictures. The collage took me most of the day. Also, I watched some movies on my iPad. Tonight, was buy one pizza get one free at Primanti Bros. That’s where we went for dinner. It was just Dad and me. Mom had an appointment to get a tattoo. After dinner, we went home for my 2 chocolate chip cookies. I spent the rest of the evening watching movies on my iPad.

Friday morning, Kelly was going to pick me up and make up her missed hours. She was still sick and sent dad a text saying she is staying home again. I hope she gets better soon, and I don’t get sick. I had more pictures to add to my wall. I spent most of the printing more pictures and cutting them out. Dad had to fix my printer a few times. For dinner, we went to Primanti Bros. and I ordered my usual burger, fries, and lemonade. Dad has a 5-mile race Saturday morning. So, he ate a salad with grilled chicken. Mom ordered their egg sandwich. We went home and I had 2 cookies for dessert. We are out of Costco cookies. Lately, I’ve settled for cookies from Giant.

Saturday morning, I slept in. It’s mom’s birthday today. She turns 51. In the morning, dad ran a 5-mile race in Lebanon. Mom had an early lunch scheduled with her parents. I got to spend some time alone. After dad got home from his race, we got mom’s gift and cards ready. We got her a 4 pack of apple airtags. They are cool. You attach them to things you want to find quickly or always know where something is. For example, your keys or purse. Mom said she loved it. Also, we bought her favorite ice cream, Haagen Dazs dulce de leche. It’s caramel ice cream with caramel ribbons. We took her out for dinner. First, we went to Hidden Stills. they told us the wait was “at least an hour.” We put our name on the list and headed downtown. We stopped at the Chocolate Ave Grill. The wait was only 10 minutes. We decided to stay and eat. We had a table in about 5 minutes. right after we were seated, dad received a text from Hidden Stills letting us know our table was ready. What happened to at least an hour? Funny how that happens. After dinner, dad talked to me to trying a chocolate chip cookie from #taylorchipcookies at the Hershey Fresh Market. It was a big cookie. It was delicious and one of the best I have ever eaten. Then we headed home. I watched movies on my ipad. Also, I downloaded a bowling app on my iPad. I have been playing that a lot lately. I went to bed around 11 pm.

Sunday morning, I woke up around 8 am. I ate 2 slices of leftover pizza for breakfast and washed it down with some cranberry pomegranate juice. I showered and got dressed. Mom and dad told me that we are going to church this morning. They went last week without me. They found a church that’s a good fit for our family and my needs. It’s the Life Church of Hershey. We were running a little late, but we made it. First there was live music. I loved the music. They have really great singers. Then we listened to today’s message. Mom and dad said I did a great job. After church, there was food. It was called pies and sides. We stayed and ate. I didn’t have any pie, but I indulged in the sides. If you know me then you know how I like my sides. I didn’t eat pie. There weren’t any chocolate chip cookies. Bummer. I did find some Hershey chocolate to have for dessert. It was fun. We got home around 1:30 pm. I watched some movies and played my bowling app. We made a trip to Costco. I needed a new winter jacket. Also, I had to buy some chocolate chip cookies. Costco’s chocolate chip cookies are still my favorite. We kind skipped dinner because we had a big lunch. I did eat some leftover cold pizza. Also, I can’t skip dessert. 2 chocolate chip cookies and a cup of milk. I spent the rest of the evening watching movies and printing more pictures. Now you know.

[nightcoremoon]

Cheese Tier List

I am lactose intolerant and american but goddamn do I fuckin love cheese. I haven’t had a lot of different types but I’d like to think I know a fair decent amount of them.

American: F

Fuck American Cheese. You are not worthy of the moniker. You are oil and starch and filler and a splash of milk that only pretends to be cheese. You disgust me.

Asadero: C

It’s pretty good but nothing special to write home about. I do like it in shredded blends and they’re great for more latin inspired dishes… although tbh I can’t parse it alone. This ranking can certainly go up given further research.

Asiago: B

Very good, especially as a companion to parmesan. I’m not the biggest fan of it solo, but I appreciate what it brings to the plate.

Babybel: B

It’s got a very good texture to it that I think beats out the bland mundanity of the taste. The packaging is cute too. And the serving size is great for snacking. I’d rather eat their other varieties, typically white cheddar, but the OG is more than acceptable.

Bellavitano Merlot: S+

This is the most delicious cheese I have ever eaten in my life. It is also the one I can digest the least. I will eat a tiny block of this despite the horrible abdominal cramps that come with it because it is just that worth it. I especially love the way the grape flavor was paired; it’s not too much to overpower or be overpowered by the cheese. I love you Bellavitano. And I hate my local stores for not carrying this specific flavor. I haven’t had the others yet.

Blue: S

BLUE. MY LOVE, I’M SO SORRY I FORGOT ABOUT YOU! you smell like hell but you taste like heaven. you are the best thing to dip chicken wings into. I love you blue.

Brie: B

Very very rich. I’ll have it every once in a while and like it but I won’t eat it very regularly.

Camembert: C

Didn’t really stand out much to me but it wasn’t bad.

Cheddar: S

Probably the ultimate everyman cheese, and the one with the most potential. White, Sharp, Smoked, I love how adaptable it is. I don’t care much for mild but the more intense and flavorful kinds more than make up for it. Sharp cheddar is also very very good on apple pie.

Colby: D

Mediocre at best, boring at worst. It’s about the baseline for edibility for me. It’s ok if I encounter it but I wouldn’t go out of my way for it.

Colby Jack: C

Slightly better than Colby alone but not by that much.

Cottage: X

I am not a fan but it’s just that the texture bothers my palate. I refuse to give it a bad ranking just for that.

Cream: C

I wouldn’t eat it on its own, or as a condiment. But it’s a fantastic ingredient in other things.

Feta: A

Supremely underrated because Americans are always like EW GROSS ITS FROM A GOAT like shut the fuck up Karen goats are way less disgusting than cows, you’re just scared of a little word called FLAVOR. Now I maybe wouldn’t eat a block of it like I would an S rank but there is nothing else that goes as well with beef onion & pita.

Fondue: A

This doesn’t really count because any cheese can be fondue but all of the cheese I’ve encountered that is SPECIFICALLY “fondue cheese” has been great. It’s kind of cheating but melted cheese is a great thing to dip shit into.

Fontina: B

It’s not bad, but it’s not my favorite. Very light.

Gorgonzola: C

Pungent but doesn’t really have that much substance. Maybe I just had bad gorgonzola. That bumps it up from D.

Gouda: A+

I want so badly to give this an S but it’s just too rich to eat like it’s an apple. But it’s great for sandwiches with lighter meat.

Halloumi: A

It was surprisingly way better than I expected it to be. I would definitely get it again, and explore different ways to heat and eat.

Havarti: S

The lightest fluffiest and best pairing for darker meats bar fucking none. I’d absolutely snack on this all day because it’s light enough. I love you havarti. 😘

Mascarpone: A

Real good but better as an ingredient than by itself. And if you pronounce it “mar-ska-pwn” you’re WRONG.

Monterey Jack: C

It’s alright. Boring, but alright. I prefer cojack for the slightly increased flavor palette but I’d pick others first.

Mozzarella: SSS

Come on now. We all know this is the king of cheese. Melted on top of bread, paired with olive oil, garlic, basil, pesto, and anything tomato, HOLY SHIT PLEASE GET IN MY MOUTH. Or chicken, red onion, and barbecue sauce. Or fried potatoes and gravy. Even solo in string form it is just… the best. Perfect texture. Perfect flavor. And the best part is, I’ve only ever had shitty mozzarella. There is nowhere to go but up. I don’t even use cold mozzarella on sandwiches very much, but it has earned this ranking through blood sweat and tears.

Muenster: A+

Chef’s kiss. It’s mozzarella with a little bit of edge to it. I prefer it to mozz on sandwiches but that’s just about it.

Nacho: D

It’s serviceable on certain things in ways that most other cheese can’t but I couldn’t eat it alone. It’s… not good.

Parmesan: A

It’s special. There’s nothing else quite like it. I don’t know how to describe it. It’s just parmesan. I’m not quite ready to put mustard on it just yet, but I’ll definitely put it on all things even remotely Italian.

Pepper Jack: B

It makes jack cheese better but not by a high enough margin to rank it any higher. Also I’m not the biggest fan of pepper. But if I was, it would be incredibly appealing because the flavor profile suits it.

Provolone: D

I fucking hate provolone. It’s just so goddamn boring. I only eat it at Subway where that’s the only goddamn option and I haven’t eaten at Subway in like five years. I haven’t eaten Subway since Jared got arrested. Freak.

Ricotta: B

I don’t like it alone for the flavor, but it is one of the best ways to add volume to something like lasagna.

Swiss: A

I don’t think the flavor is all that good by itself, tbh. But it is a very mellow low-to-the-radar kind of cheese. It’s a good combination with other things. It’s like the mortar to the bricks that are recipes. It’s the best companion to ham bar none. I respect it more than I like it on its own.

Velveeta: F

FUCK YOU VELVEETA IS NOT ACTUALLY CHEESE. it is the vanilla extract of cheese because if you put s little bit of it into the recipe it can be good but if you want to eat it straight you are a freak so DNI.

…

RESULTS:

F (GARBAGE): American, Velveeta [2/29, 5%]

D (bad): Colby, Provolone, Nacho [3/29, 10%]

C (okay): Asadero, Camembert, Cojack, Cream, Gorgonzola, Monterey Jack [6/29, 20%]

B (good): Asiago, Babybel, Brie, Fontina, Pepper Jack, Ricotta [6/29, 20%]

A (amazing): Feta, Gouda, Halloumi, Mascarpone, Muenster, Parmesan, Swiss [7/9, 25%]

S (THE BEST): Bellavitano Merlot, Blue, Cheddar, Havarti, Mozzarella [5/29, 15%]

RANKING: WORST TO BEST

American, Velveeta, Nacho, Provolone, Colby, Cream, Cojack, Camembert, Gorgonzola, Asadero, Monterey Jack, Ricotta, Fontina, Brie, Pepper Jack, Babybel, Asiago, Mascarpone, Halloumi, Swiss, Feta, Parmesan, Gouda, Muenster, Blue Havarti, Cheddar, Bellavitano, Mozzarella

All REAL cheese is good cheese. Fuck Kraft Singles.