#I am dead inside and look like shit but at least my gf doesn’t have to worry about one minor inconvenience

[pronouns-they-slay]

For your love, I’ll do whatever you want.

Yes, even waking up at seven am the day after a party.

[zukkatrash]

im pretty sure nobody wants this content but:

aged up, no bending atla x fallout 4 crossover!!!

(spoilers for some atla and fo4 stuff obviously, and in sukis part i rant abt the ending where ur against the brotherhood, so major spoilers for that too)

lets start with katara

katara is a minuteman, no lets be real shes the goddamn general, preston took one look at her and immediately knew she'd protect the people of the commonwealth with all she had

elder maxon is actually scared of her, which is why he refuses to let her on the prydwen so none of his underlings see him fold under her stare

shes probably the first minuteman that hancock like actually truly respects bc he knows shes 100% abt the ppl and goodneighbors motto is literally "of the people for the people"

katara is a probably a bit conflicted about him at first bc u know hes a bit ruthless for her taste, but she can see his heart's in the right place

she definitely helped marcy long with her grief and turned her anger into smth productive, aka marcy is now probably a high ranking minuteman

sokka

def a railroad agent (i read alchemy, sue me)

him and tinker tom are the best buddies and yes sokka got convinced to drink his weird serum thing, stop bringing it up!!

god just the crazy inventions those two would cook up, they'd probs scare the shit out of the institute

on topic of the institute, theres probably like at least one abduction attempt from them a month but hes not only smart but a badass too

hes also one of the only people dr. amari is actually nice to and will routinely rescue him from irmas relentless flirting

he definitely fanboys with kent collony over the shroud

i feel like deacon would drive him mad, because on one hand he gets the secrecy and that he doesn't want anyone to get too close but also deacs, my man u cant shut everyone out with ur lies

okay now im thinking abt them bonding over their dead gfs and am sad

when he meets nick he has to hold back soooo hard to not ask invasive questions, bc nick is basically a walking insight into the institute, but hes alao a person who sokka respects and really doesn't wanna be an ass to

toph

also with the railroad(but shes a heavy ofc), probably mostly bc shed get more action there

sokka and tinker tom def made her some really cool gadget à la seismic sense so shes still a BEAST

she can also hear a raider ambush/lurking wildlife before anyone else and if shes not with anyone who needs to avoid that kinda stuff she pulls out her trusty missile launcher and makes quick work of her enemies

probably participates in cage matches at the combat zone and raiders shit their pants when they see her

toph is either dating glory or cait or both, cant decide, just badass wlw

or maybe fahrenheit 🤔, i mean the only refrence of tophs type we have is that she mightve had a crush on sokka who is not only strong but smart and u cant tell me fahr isnt smart, she might only have like 5 lines but at least one of them is abt chess which is a common shorthand for intelligence and she is undoubtedly a badass so yes toph and fahr! never thought id think of those two as a ship but here we are haha

zuko

is the silver shroud, you can't change my mind he's a righteous theatre kid ofc he's the shroud

suki

also a minute man, probably kataras second in command

shes the one training the minutemen at the castle

danse tried so desperately to recruit her but suki is too smart to fall for the bos' bullshit

probably plays into his whole spiel tho to get an inside look at the bos and takes them down from the inside

and not by blowing the ship up wtf there are kids on the prydwen what the fuck why cant u get them out beforehand??? why is that the only option to get the bos out of the commonwealth???? they steal poor farmers crops ffs i want them gone! WITHOUT killing innocent children that are being indoctrinated what the fuck

aang

im actually having a really hard time to imagine aang in fo4 bc u know its a biiit violent for a pacifist monk but i really dont wanna just make him a farmer or some boring shit, its just that stuff usually needs killing in some way in fo4

okay nvm i can def picture him on the island mediating that whole conflict between arcadia, the children of the atom and far harbor

oh god aang finding out how dima kept the 'peace' would be a brutal fucking scene, i dont wanna spoil too much if possible but aang would def feel really betrayed by dima

i can see aang arriving at the island and really trying to make everyone understand that dima only wants arcadia to be safe and left alone and i have no idea how he would actually deal with dima once the truth comes out but fuuck, bending or not aang def entered the avatar state there

but just to be clear he still protects arcadia, just bc its built by smn who thinks the ends justify the means doesnt mean that synths dont deserve to live in fucking peace for once

also aang would absolutely adore erikson and his puppies ^^

but back to the commonwealth

aang would for sureee advocate against the mind wipes the railroad makes and try to find other ways to help synths

he probs cannot deal with desdemonia saying that erasing the synths memory and identity is the only way to keep them safe, aang knows what loss means and he wont stand for it

and i can see him do a lot of the actual building in the settlements and helping all those small communities to flourish

now for the crack, as in i dont think this is in character but i thought of it so now yall have to read abt it:

the fire nation is in nuka world, also there is no overboss per se bc except for like 3 lines we know nothing of colter

ozai leads the operators, but also kinda everyone, so basically the overboss

post breakdown, pre redemption azula leads the disciples

zhao leads the pack bc like mason hes an animal and i hate him ^^

gage is dead bc unfortunately ozai isnt dumb, altho ozai was dumb enough to underestimate zuko when he literally told him his plan to join the gaang, but then again gage didnt like colter bc he didnt get shit done and unfortunately ozai does get shit done so gage is probably delighted :(

if anyone actually read this and wants to add on pleaseee do!!!

[cyborgraptor]

haunted house thrill ride minus the haunted house

Last night my brother, his wife, and me both left rather late to see if we could make it last minute to a haunted house an hour away from where we live to Ft. Worth, TX. People might already know the attraction called Cutting Edge, as its been going on for years now - the last time we went to it was 12 years ago. We wanted to see how it was now, and it has a somewhat decent rating. We remember there was bubbles at the end that COMPLETELY soak your clothes and nearly smothers you, so we checked reviews to see if they still had it. It does, but there’s a bubble-less route so you can avoid it. But, the end of this review had us curious.

(Parking was 15-20$ we read on the website, too.) Anyway, we drive down there. Immediately get sad spotting the homeless population taking up entire large sidewalks as we enter downtown. Arrive at 12:15, and the attraction ends at 1am. We knew there’d be a line since it was a semi-chill night thats good for big crowds. Buuuuuuut we weren’t expecting to see around 500 people ass-to-ass wrapped in a tight line in the parking lot 45 minutes till closing. So we said “Fuck that shit, lets find a cool late night dinner place while we’re in down here”.  Regret. My brother remembered there was some ice cream place they went to while they were here some time ago down some main street. Quickly figured out that street was closed off, like some parade/party just recently happened, but there was nothing but a bar open down the street and a security golf cart picking up cones. We figured we could get on our feet and walk further down the street to see if we could find it that way, as there was a lot of hidden buildings. So we park the car, get out, and go to a street corner to look around. Across the street, we saw a woman face-down against a curb to a shop, totally looking like a dead body. Two men were slowly trying to help her up to get in their car. The three of us looked at each other like “Uh oh” and looked back behind us down the street if there was possibly more fucked up people like her, of if someone else was noticing us watch that. Then we heard a scream, and the woman was sprinting full speed out of the parking lot. She stopped suddenly and the men ran over to her, and then she started laughing loudly instead. Okay. Hopefully...............she was just on drugs............????? And then the two men had to lift her like a couch back into the car. We stared at each other again and said “Okay time to go!” and then nearly stepped in vomit on the sidewalk as we turned back to our car. But it doesn’t end there!!!!!!!!!!! We were still starving, so we googled some late-night diners nearby instead. It was either ramen or this place called Ol’ South Pancake house (you can google it if you want). The website makes the place look cute and homey. Our decision to go there was solely placed to get chips and salsa based on what my sister-in-law read on the website, but I think she read the wrong thing. We get there. Pretty crowded. The air inside smelled like cigarette smoke even though it was a non-smoking store. There was a group of eight people in front of us COVERED in fake blood, probably(hopefully) from the Cutting Edge place. A very..........interesting looking waitress hobbles over to us after them to seat us at a table that would make claustrophobic people explode. Then we get......her. The other waitress. She seemed like a sweet elderly woman, at first. Not white hair, but grey, and pretty in-fit for her age. We asked about the salsa, and she squinted at us and said they only had potato chips (which is probably true). We looked at each other and ordered some fried pickles instead. She then nodded slowly and said “Surrreee thiiiinnnnng,” and then gave my brother a face similar to this.

So we’re probably going to get food poisoning. The pickles were good, at least. While we were eating, a group of college-age people sit next to us. One guy was in normal clothing, while his two other friends were in costumes (another guy and a woman). Chucky, the killer doll man, was next to me. The two of them were veeeeerry obviously on something. My first interaction with Chucky was when I was drinking coffee, a red wig suddenly landed in front of me. “O---OOOPSSSSS!” Chucky said next to me, grabbing the wig and dropping it several more times. Our trio just laughed awkwardly. He then tossed it behind me in my chair, and thats when his stable friend said “Hey bro what the hell are you doing, man?” Which, I think, prevented Chucky from groping my ass, and he quickly grabbed his wig back. Then he and his costume GF (assuming) got up to go to the bathroom. They cut through the open kitchen and we could see the staff get startled. While that happened, an old man walked into the section of the diner that was blocked off. We were confused as hell, but another waitress started serving him food in there. Maybe they knew him or something, who knows. But. Do you know where that cut-off door looks out to for the old man to watch?

Haha, it’s to us! Making direct eye contact to me at all times!!!! Oh boy!!!

So now we have a guy with possible dementia over there, and Chucky and his GF come back (through the kitchen, AGAIN) on our right. A staff member comes to their table saying they need to not go through the kitchen ever again. The sober friend is obviously dumbfounded but does nothing but giggle and shake his head. THEN the GF gets up and leans to our table, saying “What are you guys doing tonight?” completely in our personal spaces. Sister-in-law leans back to her to quietly say “What are you guys on?”. The woman kind of shakes her head and replies “Oh just weed. Just a bit of weed.” Smiling HUGE while saying so, but also in a bitchy way. Chucky encounter #2 happens. While his GF was leaning to and fro, he hissed right into my ear, actually making me jump (but not scream). We all laugh awkwardly again. At this point, its better to deal with them than start a huge commotion and possibly make them rage, because the people around us are already keeping an eye on them for all of the shit they’ve stirred already. #3. Shortly after he says “I’m Chucky, the killlleeeeerrrrrr....” and starts pretending to bite the air next to me. That quickly turned to him trying to bite my shoulder. I barely felt anything, and tried to keep inner peace until his friend yelled at him again to stop. There was no teeth-sinking, but I felt a wet mark after he stopped. My brother said he looked like this.

Well. We finally got our food. I got steak and eggs, my brother got a burger, and sister-in-law got a pancake thing with peaches in it. Right after the teeth waitress placed the pancake thing down, she suddenly said, “Wait, there’s no butter on this! You gotta have some butter on it to make it good!” What does she do to solve this, you ask? Simple!

She takes our silverware, takes a plastic cup container of butter from our condiment rack, and starts going to town stabbing and smearing the butter into the once-nice looking pancake thing! For a full 30 seconds in silence! “There you go!” she says with her full rack of fake teeth, and walks away. My brother had to laugh behind his napkin while she was doing it, and so did I. #4. A pancake suddenly lands on my plate after I got done eating the obviously once-frozen steak. Chucky said nothing this time, but his sober friend just shook his head. But after Chucky tossed his last two pancakes on our table, sober friend tried to stop him - in doing so, sober friend accidentally pushed his own plastic cup of cheese on the floor. “Awwww man, look at what you made me do bro!” He sighed seriously. Sober friend then asked teeth waitress where his bacon bits where at, and all she did was look over at their own condiment rack and pointed, “Right there,” and walked away. Sober friend didn’t only spill his cheese, but he spilled his bacon bits onto the rack, too. Costume friends got up to walk outside after that, and we sympathized with him saying “Damn, she’s brutal.” Oh, and by the way, dementia man has still been staring at us the whole time. We’re completely done eating now, and whisper to each other “We need to get the absolute fuck out of here.” We pay at the entrance/exit, and walk outside. What we see is what we believe Chucky and his GF fucking in their car parked to the side of the store. The windows were steamy and only saw his head sticking up. “Time to go!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I chanted again, as we got back in our car. Dementia man walked out of the diner after us, but luckily, he didn’t see what car we got into. It still doesn’t end there. We cut through the empty streets back to where we got into the city. It was 3:40 am at this point. My brother saw a cowboy sitting at an empty light corner. GOTTA LEAVE! Five minutes later we enter the expressway. Three minutes go by. My brother is cranking up the music to stay awake for the hour long drive back home. But then I see it. Something bright down on the highway below us to our left. We’re passing by and my brother doesn’t notice. “F...........fire. FIRE. THERE’S A FIRE.” “WHAT?”

He stops on the completely vacant road and we back up a little to see it. Yup. Thats a fucking burning car.

We camped there for about 10 minutes until even one cop showed up, then finally a firetruck. Normal people pulled over initially to direct traffic with the flashlight on their phones. All four of the tires popped loudly as they burned. And while the hose was dousing out the flames, a semi-explosion happened. Sounded like a firework, and was very bright, but nothing shattered and debris didn’t rain down anywhere. We finally decided enough was enough and we got the fuck out after the flames got controlled.  I’m happy to say we made it home safe without any other bullshit occurring to us. But What. A. Fucking. Night.

[chatuoir]

catastrophic affairs, truly (chap 5)

chaps 1 / 2 / 3 / 4 / on ao3

hello it has been 500 years since i last updated but the lovely AmelineAmira on ao3 wrote a fic inspired by this one? omg? and that reminded me that i needed to update (i had the chapter ready i was just being lazy)(thank u <3) so yall should definitely check that fic out but in the meantime here is another chapter lets get LIT (its like midnight goodnight)

Marinette is smothered in hugs as soon as she steps into the bakery. Her parents apologize to the customers before pulling her into the living room, clearly scared about her well-being. They'd heard about the attack on the news and keep inspecting her to check for injuries; she assures them that she's fine.

“Really, Maman, I'm okay. The broken glass didn't even cut me. I promise.” She says. Her parents exchange a glance before turning back to her.

“We’re glad you're okay,” Her father starts, “But what about the stuff we’ve heard about this Chat Noir business?” Marinette silently curses. Shit. The attack had distracted her from thinking of a good way to bring it up.

She takes a deep breath. Well. “I know this is going to sound really weird, but I can explain. The truth is... Chat Noir is my fake boyfriend.”

Her parents stare at her for a few moments, eerily quiet. Marinette stands there waiting for a reaction, but there isn't one. Finally, she starts again.

“So... Chat asked me to fake date him so Ladybug wouldn't think he was lying to her about him having a girlfriend; I felt bad for him, but I also thought it was really funny, so I agreed. We set up some conditions so this doesn't go too far, and I can opt out whenever I want.” Marinette sees her parents visibly relax a little, but they're still confused. At last, Tom speaks up.

“I think the only question I can really ask is... can I meet this Chat?” Marinette hesitates in answering. Fortunately, she's saved by a bell ringing from inside the store. Sabine goes to check and brings back a plate of cookies and friend- in fact, she brings back a plate of chocolate chip cookies and a superhero friend.

“Hi Mr and Mrs Dupain-Cheng,” Chat greets after inhaling a couple cookies, “I'm Chat Noir, but I think you knew that. I just wanted to say that everything that's happened to your daughter today with the akuma was my fault and I apologize. Did she tell you exactly what's going on?” He says in one spurt. Marinette gestures for him to calm down and breathe.

“It's fine, I told them.” She says. He looks noticeably relieved.

“I didn't want you two to stress out or anything, I mean, Marinette was safe during the attack, if you count being trapped inside a glass cat head safe. Which, by the way, I'm really sorry for-- I didn't think people would overreact to something like who I'm dating. Or, you know, in this case, fake dating.” Honestly, this boy doesn't know when to stop talking; Marinette’s almost embarrassed for him. Luckily, her parents smile at him warmly.

“Thanks for letting us know, Chat.” Tom says. “We trust that you and Marinette can handle this, but if anything starts to trouble you, don't be afraid to come to us. Both of you.” Okay, dad. We can't just adopt every guy I (fake) date. Marinette thinks.

Chat grins, nods, and takes a few more cookies. “Thank you for everything. Can I speak to Marinette for a couple minutes?”

“I'm really sorry about everything that happened today. If you want to call it quits right now, that's fine with me. I can ask Alya to take all the pictures off her blog.” Chat says.

“No, no, really, it's fine! You wouldn't believe how many times I've been in serious situations like today’s, especially with the amount of attacks that happen in my school. Seriously. I forgive you. And if it had really bothered me that much I’m sure I would’ve asked Alya myself. Really, I’m okay.”

“So... we’re still fake dating?”

“Duh. You literally just met my parents. I'm not gonna break up with you right now.” Chat breathes out a sigh of relief. Then he rubs his temples before speaking up.

“You know what I just realized? I don't have any way to contact you besides like this, face to face. Can I have your phone number or something? Wait, no, you might know the civilian me. What about IM? I'll make a new one just for you. Maybe something like, small x - big x - Mari’s - underscore - true - underscore - love  - big x - small x’, just to keep everything fresh.”

Marinette jokes. “Who are you, a scene kid from 2009?” They both snort at that.

“Like you have any better ideas.”

“Yeah, I don’t. Mine’s just my name.” Chat makes a big show of committing that to memory, as if he’s going to mix it up and find a different Marinette Dupain-Cheng somewhere on the internet. Marinette has to admit that he’s a pretty funny guy, even if he tries too hard to be cool sometimes.

A few minutes later she's shooing him out the bakery door while he salutes and blows a kiss. A couple customers smile; Marinette catches a few of them sneaking glances and laughs to herself. The fun has only just begun, she thinks.

It's past midnight, and Marinette knows she’s supposed to be on her rounds right now, except she isn’t really sure what to say to Chat as Ladybug after the day’s events. Technically, there was no way she could’ve helped him during the attack since she was quite literally trapped, but she still feels kind of bad. They’re supposed to be a team.

Marinette lays in bed for a while and listens as the city settles. There’s usually a couple cars left at this hour, and of course Paris is still ablaze- they don’t call it the City of Lights for no reason- but it feels eerily quiet and dark. I’m probably sleep-deprived, she thinks. Suddenly, her phone lights up and nearly blinds her. She fumbles for it and reads the notification.

New IM chat request from xXmaris_true_loveXx

Marinette has to smother herself with her blanket before she laughs too hard and wakes the entire city. She accepts the request and sees that Chat’s already sent a couple messages.

xXmaris_true_loveXx: hello my false lover (i hope)

i have a question

do you happen to be friends with lb or can you contact her

if so where tf is she?

oh shoot it's like 12:17 im sorry if i woke you up

She frantically types a message back, whispering for Tikki to get ready to transform her.

Marinettedcheng: hi chat no u didnt wake me i do in fact have a way to contact her i will tell her ur waiting & congrats on finding the right mari

xXmaris_true_loveXx: ok good i was just worried cus she wasn’t answering. get some rest you need your beauty sleep

Marinettedcheng: cant tell if thats an insult or compliment but thx i will see u 2mo

xXmaris_true_loveXx: wow i would never slander my fake gf </3... goodnight

“He certainly is a character, isn’t he?” Tikki says. Marinette rolls her eyes, her face shining from the glow of the city.

“Sure. Let’s get going. Tikki, spots on!” Marinette transforms at 12:20 and heads out to the Eiffel Tower.

-

It’s quite relaxing to be above the city in the dead hours of the night, with everything sparkling and the cool breeze rustling through the air. Ladybug finds her partner sitting on a ledge, lost in thought. She settles down next to him and they silently greet each other. It's awkward for a while before she speaks up.

“Hey.. so. I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Again. For not showing up earlier today? But I was in a sticky situation.” He smiles softly and Ladybug catches it, his face lit up by the moonlight.

“I forgive you. Again. It's okay, my Lady. I promise.” It's still a little awkward.

“Okay. I just feel guilty. Like, all these people were looking up to me to help them and be their hero, but I wasn't even there.”

“But your trusty sidekick was there,” Chat says with a grin.

She gently shoves him. “Chat, we talked about this. You're my partner, not my sidekick. We're equal. We balance each other out, that’s kinda the point. Duh.” He lets out a short laugh.

“Yeah, yeah, you're right. Team Miraculous, am I right?” She nods, glad that the slight tension in the air is gone. The two fist bump before settling back into the silence of the night.

A few more moments pass.

“We should... uh... patrol now?” Ladybug whispers. Chat’s eyes widen.

“Yeah, yep, you're right, I’ll do the north side of the city,” He raises his baton and helps Ladybug to her feet, “See you in 30.” Then he does an Olympics-worthy dive off the side of the tower, extending the pole to vault to the next building. Ladybug snorts as he leaves. Show-off. Again, she thinks.

--

Ladybug catches a couple thieves before finishing her patrol; they’re some sneaky tourists who wanted free souvenirs, but they at least have the dignity to look guilty when she turns them in.

Chat is sitting on the building across from the Dupain-Cheng bakery. Ladybug wants to laugh; he probably thinks his fake girlfriend is in there, asleep, not at all thinking about the crazy day they just had like he definitely is. She suddenly realizes he’s speaking to her and snaps out of her trance.

“So... did you hear about what happened to me and Marinette?” Ladybug snorts. She’d read his mind.

“Yeah, someone told me to check the Ladyblog, like, a half hour after you confessed to me.”

“Hmm. Seems awfully suspicious. You sure you didn’t expose me?” Chat interrogates, but he’s smirking. Ladybug rolls her eyes.

“Pssh. You probably submitted that post yourself, because you thought I didn’t believe you or something,” She jokes. He freezes for a moment, but she doesn’t notice. Biting her tongue to keep from laughing, she grins and adds, “But you do like Marinette, I can tell. I mean, why else would you be dating her?”

He nervously laughs but tries to play it off. “Yeah, she’s great. It’s going well. But hey, that’s enough about my love life. What are your plans for tomorrow? I never got to ask.” Shit. Uh, I’m going on a fake date with you in civilian form, while trying to keep it realistic enough so other people think we’re actually dating- but only until your plan of making me, as Ladybug, jealous finally works- which probably won’t ever happen, so, honestly, you tell me.

Later, she would wonder if it was the sheer amount of exhaustion from the day, the huge billboard right in front of her, or the curiosity of the cat (especially a certain Chat) which made her difficult situation a whole lot worse. But at the time, all she could think was to say something as ridiculous as possible so he wouldn’t ask any questions.

“I’m, uh, also going on a date. With.. um, the one and only, uh...” Ladybug drops her gaze from Chat’s eyes (which turns out to be an accident) and says with confidence, “Adrien Agreste.”

[del-co-mrade-blog]

I’m sure at some point I’ll try to morph this blog into something with a theme - maybe communism/activism, maybe aesthetics, I don’t know. Right now I kind of need an outlet, so I guess that’s what it’ll be. I only have two followers, and one of them is my boyfriend, so I guess you two can enjoy the ramblings I’m gonna post here for a while. This tumblr was made because I wasn’t allowed to have one, so I guess I’ll run with the theme of doing things I didn’t think I could do, and actually try to process and be open about my feelings without bombarding one person with them. So, if you’re here for some reason, I guess read on. 

If you’ve made it this far, hi. 

I don’t know what I’m gonna write about in the future but since this is my first post I guess I’ll just go for what’s on my mind.

I’m really sad rn. A bit ago I reconnected with an old friend. Things didn’t end well between us in the past, due to my past relationship and drama in that friend group, but since I’ve grown and some time had passed, we ended up getting along a lot better than I had originally expected. We reconnected to talk about my ex, who was her friend, and who was a really shitty, abusive person, from whom I have plenty of mental and emotional scars (I’m sure I’ll go on about him sometime in the future). We talked about him, and she seemed to agree that he was toxic, and we ended up talking about a lot of other things, and eventually having semi-consistent contact via snapchat/other social media. 

That was so great. I felt like I finally had the friend that I felt I never quite had back in the day, since I think we were both in different places in our lives, and I for one wasn’t able to be honest or genuine with anyone at that point. I had always heard about what an amazing friend she was, especially from my boyfriend, so it was really nice to experience what he was talking about, and be able to connect with someone in the way that we did. 

Fun shit, though, her boyfriend of many years hates me. Not to get into that too much at this point, but there is a mutual disdain between us due to things that happened following my breakup with my ex and the beginning of my relationship with my new boyfriend. He resents me (supposedly) for being shitty to my ex (lmao), ripping my current boyfriend out of his life (which my bf doesn’t regret sooo), and I guess just generally being .... idek to be honest haha. I’m not a huge fan of him for being a horrible friend to me and pretty much anyone else I’ve ever witnessed him be friends with, in my opinion a bad boyfriend, and p much the opposite of someone I’d want to have anything to do with at this point in my life. Oh yeah and sexual assault, but that’s nothing compared to what my ex did I guess. 

Side note, I wanna point out a little lesser known irony. While in a relationship with my ex, I was dead inside to the point of intense suicidal ideation. I was extremely depressed and had endured so much abuse on so many levels, I didn’t know how to get out or what to do. One aspect of our relationship is he had spend over a year convincing me to be okay with “polyamory” (aka he wanted to fuck multiple “flavors” (races) of women while dating me). Eventually, with his knowledge, I started a relationship with a mutual friend (my current bf), which began 3 months of confusion wherein I fell in love with one guy while realizing how horrible my past relationship had been. There was a lot of back and forth, since I was scared of leaving the relationship I had been stuck in for so long, but eventually I left and am now dating my wonderful boyfriend. Here’s where the irony comes in. Both my ex and my friend’s ex (from above) resented me for what happened. Thought I was a cheater, a bad girlfriend, whatever. Here’s the tea. 

My friend’s bf actively pursued me without my ex bf’s permission for a bit. Even while sitting in the same room, he made me feel him up and kissed my neck - not even 6 inches from my bf at the time. When my bf would step out of the room, my friend’s bf came over and tried to kiss me - when I dodged, he turned the lights out and tried again. He liked being physical with me - said it was bc he was on a break with his gf and wanted to touch someone - but did all of that behind my ex’s back. Same ex he was pissed that I “cheated on”, even though that situation was with his permission and much more above ground. It was about a week or so later he sexually assaulted me, jumped on me shirtless and shoved his tongue down my throat after cornering me in the basement alone. (My bf’s takeaway of all of this, after telling him I was kissed and touched against my will? “I wish he would have asked my permission first”.)

Tea #2: After breaking up with my ex, I tried to stay friends with him because I hated myself so much for “hurting him” (no regrets now, tho). I was so apologetic and just wanted him to forgive me, so I was quite a yes man for a while and didn’t want to cause any more waves in our friend group (that didn’t go so well tho haha). To jump to the chase, about 2 or so months after we broke up, he started telling me about who he was interested in. LO AND BEHOLD, it’s this same friend that I just reconnected with, whose bf sexually assaulted me. He talked about how he wanted them to break up, how he thought about her sexually all the time, how he had fantasies about fucking her in an elementary school (how didn’t i see he was a pedo at that point?), all kinds of stuff. He was trying to find out shit about their relationship in the hopes that they’d break up and he could date her. Told me about how he was talking to her at night and trying to find out her kinks and prove to her that he had the same ones so maybe she’d like him. All kind of shit. In retrospect, maybe I should have said something. Ironic that he was actually trying to do what people claimed had happened between the three of us during the breakup. 

The summary of this is: my friend’s bf always had a problem with me since the breakup since I was a “cheater”, and my bf “stole me away” or something. Meanwhile, he was doing the same thing behind my ex boyfriend’s back about 9 months before, AND my ex was doing the SAME THING to him the fuckin second he was single. They’re both shitty, inconsistent people, and I will never have a single good thing to say about either til the day I die.

Getting back on track. My friend’s bf hates me, and since he found out we were talking again, he apparently had a big problem with that. I don’t know many details, but apparently he was v upset with her about it and felt like she was betraying him (I won’t even begin with the levels of irony here). The two of us kept talking for a while, but I knew it bothered her that she was being dishonest with him. One night recently she opened up to me about something going on in their relationship that involved her bf secretly texting his ex behind her back, and one thing led to another and he managed to blame it on her talking to me (fuckin snake). As I have been since we started talking again, I wanted to be supportive of her, and I stand by that because she deserves to know what healthy respect and boundaries look like from someone, but it led to her deciding that she wanted to try to make it work with him, and that we shouldn’t talk anymore.

That’s been it for the most part since then. I’ve checked her social media a few times since (even though we had to disconnect on p much everything) and I’ve refrained from liking any of her posts, even though I’ve wished I could. It sucks because I can tell she’s going through some shit still, or at least was as of a bit ago, but I can’t ask if she’s okay, reach out to her, be a support system - be a fucking friend.

And this is what led me to start typing here as an outlet. We had a tiny bit of contact today, which I felt and feel guilty about since I really don’t want to stress her out or get her into any trouble. I was just reading an article about abusive relationships and “trauma bonding”, which is something that happens in an abuse victim’s brain that makes staying in their abusive relationship almost addicting, making it very hard to leave or see the situation clearly. I read it and very closely identified it, but also read it and saw a lot of things that made me worried for my friend. See, I know her boyfriend. We were friends for a while and I watched him be shitty to other people, and shitty to me, and honestly shitty to her for a long time. He’s not a good person. He reminds me so much of my ex it makes me sick, and especially makes me sick to know that she’s in that relationship and doesn’t feel like she can/should leave. Everyone has known it since high school - she’s better than she thinks, and deserves more. He has never treated her right for longer than it takes to get back into a relationship with her. That’s not to say there aren’t good things he does - all abusers give you something to hold onto so you can rationalize staying. I’m sure he does, my ex did, all shitty boyfriend and abusers do. I read that article and got really sad and really scared for her.

She told me that she doesn’t know how much she’ll let him hurt her. I have the same fear. I let my ex hurt me for so long, and would have let him do it to this day if my current boyfriend hadn’t gotten involved. I know she wants to make it work, but what I don’t think she understands, and I didn’t want to tell her out of respect, and it’s not her problem. 

There is nothing she can do, or should do, to make it work. All she can do is push down how she feels and make excuses in order to maintain an unhealthy relationship. She idealizes who he was in the past, yet admits he wasn’t good to people in the past. She says he wants to get better, yet all I’ve ever heard is that he apologizes and repeats the patterns. She says he is sorry for the things he’s done and wants to make them right, but I know several people he has wronged, and never seen him do anything to make it up to them. He says what he needs to say, and since he’s good at being manipulative, it works. And I don’t blame her. I don’t think she’s stupid. I don’t think a single negative thing of her. I was there, I know how it is. They’re really fucking convincing and can make even the worst things seem okay, turn anything into your fault, or take the blame and yet avoid blame altogether. 

I don’t know what to do. I can’t sit here and watch someone go through what I did. In retrospect I would have wanted someone to get me out, even if it hurt (in fact, my bf did, and I will be forever grateful). I want to help her live her life in a way I bet she doesn’t think is possible. Live truthfully. Surround herself with supportive people. Find someone who truly truly loves her and respects her. Have total control of her body and mind. Be fucking truly happy for more than hours or days at a time. SHE CAN DO IT. I fucking know she can. If she believes that she’s worth it and she wants what’s best for herself, she’ll leave. I wouldn’t say it to her before, but I spend a lot of time studying abusive relationships both because of my past and because of my field of study. She isn’t in a healthy relationship. He’s not good for her. It’s never going to get better. It’s not her fault.

So many people care about her and will be there for her (hopefully) when she decides to leave him. We will all support her and help her be her best self. She won’t be lonely, there’s always someone to talk to, usually someone to hang out with. 

God I wish things weren’t how they were. I want to respect her boundaries, but equally I want to help her get through this and be in a better place.

What the fuck do I do.

[chippedfolks]

Here we go again

Right where should i start? hmmm Once Upon a Time.. Jk haha Well yesterday Jimmy asked if we could skype (we haven’t skyped/ seen each other in a month since last time we skyped was August 2nd) coz i was going to give me a pep talk before he starts work on the 4th of Sep. He really doesn’t know what i’ve truly been through, and how bad things are and really were but when he called too give me a pep talk before i started work it really lifted my spirits. So I wanted to surprise call him like he did too me because it was a great feeling, but oh well..i will text him on the day of his work in the morning and tell him im proud of him and i believe in him. I am soo genuinely proud of him, he has no idea. I just know no person as smart and that has a pure soul like he does will go unrecognised. I pray to all the gods and the universe that he stays blessed. I respect him and i know he is going to live a life worth telling. He’d love it if kids in school in the future could read about his accomplishments and learn about his life. If i were them, he’d be the person i would look up too.  Honestly, i was really really nervous following up too us talking, I was thinking about how it would go in my head before i went too bed last night, and what i wanted to say. Anyway so i got up today and had a bunch of things too do for my new shitty room (trying to buy things to make it looks better..don’t think it’s working!) And i said around 4 which was 6 my time we should skype i’ll be free. I actually mainly went out to the hair salon to get hair straighten (IKEA was right next to the hair salon so after to the hair salon i was like why not go). I was just looking like shit i didn’t want him to see me looking bad. I guess i tried too look decent haha, don’t know if your suppose to do that for ur ex. But maybe there’s an exception for an ex you still love. So i came home around 6 and was like i need to change my shirt i look gross, i literally tried on 8 shirts and shit and i was like fuck it.. i was like should I show some of my non-existent cleavage haha (gosh i miss our fun time) anyway i just went with the first thing i had on -.- Seriously i couldn’t wait too talk too him, i missed his voice and face soo much. I didn’t even get too properly see his tan that he has been working on all summer :( But wait for it :D..... I called him up, and fuck me he was tan like a good tan like a perfect let me eat you up looking tan. I tried to act cool, i think i did a good job. Gosh he is beautiful. The entire conversation i had to try my hardest to look away or else i would have fucked him with my eyes alone, i seriously was trying so fucking hard not too stare so much.. He wasn’t really looking at me either, more at the wall and sabrina because he was lying down. Oh well. Gave me a chance to stare! So all in all the convo was chill we made some jokes, he made fun of me a lot, it was nice, i didn’t mind. I was trying too flirt i dunno haha..maybe he was trying too (it felt like it) but i doubt it. It just felt nice inside a good tingly feeling, honestly i felt so fucking good inside. I missed talking to my true bf, he just always makes me so happy. We didn’t talk about much he sorta caught me up on the things he remembered and i’m not doing anything exciting in doha in particular so i had nothing too say..even though i always fucking managed to remember stuff i wanna talking to him about after we are done talking. I get nervous, even though i know him more than anyone i’ve ever known. I think that might change the less we talk, because everyone grows and changes as time goes by. Even in 2 months i’ve changed so much and i bet he has as well with al that he is doing :D I just hope he stay the fun loving and funny, down to earth weirdo i know him too be. There were some awks silences during our convo..guess we didn’t know what to say haha it’s cool tho, but i  still felt comfortable it was a good awkwardness. He talked about his own future and work and what he plans on doing, and obviously we aren’t together so it has nothing to do with me but it was a little crushing not going too lie. Deep down i thought he was still thinking about moving too london after a year at his current job. I’m still trying to work hard so i can go to law school in london and then apply for a job in london. Part of me wants too because i always wanted too, but a huge part of me wants too because i’d be closer too him (4 and 1/2 hours away including national express) but maybe he could move to london as well. Like we always planned. My dad said that after he is done educating me, i can do whatever the hell i want even if he means being with Jimmy, which i still do want. But Jimmy said “he’s thinking of working at his current job for 3 years”, so we’re not going to be at all together in person or even together for years and years. But after 3 years he’d definitely move on...like I don’t want to meet another guy or fuck other people, I want him and I would dead ass move too Portugal and find a job so i would be closer too him..but then i’d look crazy. We won’t be staying in touch as much, im guessing which already scares me (i don’t want him to ever leave my life!) but we aren’t together in person so its hard too love someone that’s not there. It was hard enough loving Long Distance, but we communicated all the time..all day! But yo he’s gone, he’s no longer mine. As time moved on he will crave female attention and physical attention and someone to massage his beautiful hair and kiss his soft dry lips. He wants intimacy and sex and love and i can’t give him that as much as i’d love too. And he will find that and he’ll be happy. It will hurt at least but he’ll be taken care of. How am i suppose too replace him or find a better version of him in any other man once i can longer be with him? I never wanted too let him go, he was my lottery ticket my one in a million and but i had too. I’ve not moved on yo, i still think about him. You know i always thought maybe i’m in love with the idea of Jimmy and not him so if i forget the idea in my mind i can move on, but talking too him and the way he made me feel like fuck i know exactly why i fell madly in love with him. He may just love me but not be in love with me, but i will never stop fighting to get him back until he lets me know he never wants me back in his life as his partner in crime in life or if he finds someone better. Nonetheless, i am extremely happy for him and proud that he still very much so wants to travel a lot,  and just live life. I was always holding him back because of the way i grew up, even though i would kill to join him im just stuck in an unfortunate situation. He’s still full off life and i love it. I’m able to vicariously live though the travel stories he tells me, and the more he travels the more i will feel happy :D  Oh i noticed he was still hugging sabrina the whole time we were talking, i didn’t really wanna say “hi my baby sabrina” even tho i really wanted too. I was trying so hard to be a chill friend, not his gf. We talked for a good hour and a half, but it felt like 5 mins too me. haha i still wanted too talk more. Oh he has another roommate joining him, so that will keep him busy when he gets home from work... and he can chill with francis and jony b and then go too bed without having to talk too me at annoying ass every night. He can finally get his good 8 hours of sleep. But boy do i miss those night phone calls, it was a great brief pleasure i had in life. So all in all so much has happened in both of our lives over the past 2 months and we both couldn’t remember most off it too tell each other on our skype call. It’s just so weird you go from knowing every beautiful thing (good and bad) that happens in a persons life, too not knowing anything once your not together. A part of you really does break off. I need too try harder too move on, like he has! He’s moving on too bigger better things :D which is not me, so the question is how does one force true love (on my part) too just stop?How you do stopping loving your love? It’s torture :( No tears i need too stop crying! today was a good day and he brighten up your heart and day. He was the best part of my day today, he maybe me forget about my real iife. Gosh haha i was soo happy for like an hour after talking too him, i even voice-noted sabrina and told her how happy i was. He really did/does make me purely happy, and since this summer has been so bad and low for me... just been blessed to have the hour too talking too him makes me feel like my old happy self again :) He really does bring out the best in people <3 Until i see him again. From a victim on forbidden love, and distance love.  Lots of love :D Your girl