#I am but a fallible human myself

[devilsskettle]

earlier this week being like hmm i am perhaps manic which is a concern i have every month or so but even suggesting that i may be feeling some approximation of something similar to mania feels like egotistical self dx that other people would immediately explain away but today i mentioned to my therapist how i feel like i need to keep moving and stay busy like how a shark needs to keep swimming etc and she asked me a couple questions that seemed like she was screening for manic symptoms so now i’m like hmm. i wish i hadn’t sidestepped those suspicions because i don’t feel like opening that can of worms with my therapist yet but my own suspicions feel a lot more warranted

[smallgodseries]

Hey.  Hey, our historian isn’t at her desk today—we’re not sure why.  Humans are so soft and fallible.

But not YOU.  No, out of all the humans we’ve ever known, YOU are by far the most [competent|proficient|dependable].  Why, we can’t IMAGINE trying to do this without you!

Now we want you to look in the nearest reflective surface—a mirror if you’ve got one, a shiny pot or the back of a spoon if you don’t—and repeat after us:

I am amazing.

I am clever.

I am strong enough, I am good enough, and even if I weren’t either of those things, I would still be ENOUGH, because there has never been anything else like me in all creation, and there will never be anything else like me, ever.  I am a universe unto myself, filled with tiny gods no one else will ever worship or know, and I deserve to feel happiness.

Do you feel better?  Even if you thought that was silly, we have found that humans talk down to themselves far too [often|regularly|reliably].  Speaking words of happiness and love toward the self will make you feel more as if the self if something worth celebrating.

Whatever you want to achieve in this world, we have absolute faith that you can do it.  We only need you to have the faith in yourself that we already have in you.  Together, we can move mountains.  Together, we can accomplish anything.  And we will be with you every step along the way, small friend, because we believe in you.

Now, if you could find our historian, we would really appreciate it.

[drunkwhenimadethis]

I find myself wishing that I had the omnipotent spiritual capacity and perspective to forgive people immediately for their betrayals and wrongs against me but the human side of me is very much like, no. You went too far. I feel guilty when I see someone's pain and can't let them use it as an excuse to hurt me. It's bizarre. I feel very mortal, fallible. But the innate purity that I am aware of within others, the part of them that my subconscious dreams about at night, happy fairy tales, elucidating conversations: this is not always the place where people are interacting with me from. And I really have to remember that we are not all built the same. We do different things with our heavenly machinery.

[polyamorousmood]

My husband and I are polyamorous, and he recently got involved in his first relationship outside of our own. So far, we have had a great time discussing boundaries, limits, and comfort levels. Recently, he engaged in an activity that he and I had both said we weren't comfortable with. He said he thought because it was something we tease each other about, the teasing was a follow-up conversation that somehow conveyed we were both on board with it.

This isn't a boundary or a deal breaker, it's something we said we needed more time to process before it happened. We both knew it would happen eventually. If he had mentioned before it happened that he was interested in it, I would have worked through it myself to feel comfortable because I know my feelings are mine to work through. Right now I'm reeling from it. He said he wasn't ready and wouldn't be for a while, so I put it on the back burner to process later when it was closer to happening.

He has decided solely because of my discomfort, he is going to refrain from this activity that we both know (and now his girlfriend knows) he is okay with and enjoys. To me, this is wrong and unhealthy, because he shouldn't be basing his limits on my comfort level; if I'm uncomfortable we can talk and work through it, but my comfort shouldn't trump his in his other relationships. I have told him he has already rung the bell, I can process through it now, but it's going to be a little harder since it happened unexpectedly. This is a very recent development so I'm not there yet, but I am working on it.

I'm also worried about this causing bad feelings for my metamour; if he doesn't do this thing we all know he enjoys, I know she's going to know it's because of me even if he doesn't say my name. I love this woman in so many ways, and do not want her hurt because of me. There is an added complication that his girlfriend is also my boyfriend's fiancée, so this impacts all four of us. It took the two of them (husband and this girlfriend) a significant time to actually feel comfortable making that move toward their own relationship, because they were afraid it would affect mine and my boyfriend's relationship if it didn't work out. I also know from my friendship with her that her previous partners have drawn boundaries based on their other partner's wants, and she's been hurt by that.

I know it's not healthy to not share my feelings, but the only thing I can come up with to keep him from putting my feelings over his is to not share my feelings going forward and letting him fly blind. The thought of not knowing my feelings makes him anxious, but I don't know any other way to make him prioritize himself. Do you have any thoughts or suggestions?

I do, actually, have many thoughts and suggestions.

Firstly, I really admire your dedication to making sure your husband and metamour have a healthy and sustainable relationship. That's rarer than it should be when someone's opening a relationship for the first time, and it indicates to me you've done this all very intentionally and worked hard to set yourselves up for success. I've never met you before (afaik, nature of anon asks and all), but I feel a swelling of pride for you about this. You've done well there.

Now secondly, do 🚫 NOT 🚫under any circumstances give into the temptation to wall yourself off. Without going into detail, I've martyred myself many a time, and its a habit I only recently broke, so I can say with confidence it will always bite you in the ass long-term. Keep the lines of communication open, that's rule number 1!!

With those two primary points out of the way, standard disclaimers: my thoughts are my own and subject to human fallibility, I'm not a therapist, you're the one who ultimately has to live with the choices you make, etc. Grain of salt always advised 🧂

Now, it seems like you believe this to be an honest mistake. I do, too, but you're the one that matters. For anyone not following, for me personally, teasing my partner about something is often part of how I work through it, but it doesn't mean I have already worked through it. It seems understandable the husband here thought the asker responding well to teasing was an implicit show of being chill with whatever the thing was.

I think an important step to take would be working to minimize such mistakes going forward, so it doesn't happen with something that really matters to you. To me the simplest way would be to establish specific procedures around confirming that you're all on the same page. It doesn't really matter what it looks like, so long as you clear up that ambiguity. Maybe you need to specifically ask, maybe there's a signal, maybe you outline better how your husband can tell without having to ask (if teasing isn't a "tell," what is?) and vice versa.

About your actual question: what to do about the husband taking the idea of making things right with you, in your opinion, a little too far. I do agree it can be very bad for things long term to fully capitulate to someone expressing discomfort -- growth is often uncomfortable! However, let's give him some credit for wanting to do right by you. Perhaps he doesn't see it as a capitulation, but a show of good faith, that he really didn't mean any betrayal. Maybe its more that he's capitulating to his own guilt rather than your actual needs (and penance🙇‍♂️ is a cultural antidote to guilt). Maybe it was the metamour's idea when she heard because she just as desperately didn't want to come between the two of you! I don't know, maybe a lot of things.

First, let's go over some factors to weigh. Some you already identified, some I hope are new insight:

how much it bothers the metamor (given past experiences)

how big of a sacrifice it is/feels like to the husband

how much solace it genuinely brings you versus what your husband perceives that to be

whether there are other, more productive or healthier paths through this

the length of this embargo

whether there is a protocol for reinstating things if other considerations change (and what that is)

What you need to work through your feelings on the matter

what your husband needs to work through his guilt on the matter

I think regardless of what you do from here, a(nother) heart-to-heart 💞with the husband is going to be on the docket. After that, you have several options. I won't tell you which one to take, but I will give you some things I'd be conscious of with each one.

You accept the temporary hold as a gift🎁. As a gift, ie something freely given, is a key work here. Its his choice to give it to you. This is clearly not your first choice, but I do think this being a one-time situation (and you ARE going to do everything you can to make sure this is a one-time situation) limits a lot of the issues with the metamour. I'd caution against having it happen for too long (what constitutes too long will depend on their feelings and what exactly the thing was. A week is too long to ask me to go without seeing my partner, but I have some kinks I really enjoy... that I have no desire to do more than once every two months). It may help your husband feel like he's made it up to you if you can compromise by saying "While I don't want this to become a habit, I think soon I will feel much better about this. Regardless, though, I'll feel worse if you go longer than a week for my sake. So let's call it a week, but even though you'd be allowed to do it after that, I may still need to process some of it with you even after the week is up."

You ask for something else instead from your husband. This allows you to choose something actually helpful (as opposed to his proposed solution, which you're not making seem like it has a lot of value to you), get some closure, let your husband resolve his feelings, all without stepping on metamour's toes. Since your husband seems insistent, I'd go with a wording like 💬"I really, really appreciate your offer, but I think it would help me more if we could [whatever] instead. Especially since I really like Metamour and would never forgive myself if she felt sidelined just because we had a miscommunication. [Whatever] would, I think, really make it right with me."🗨️ Part of that should probably be establishing a more clear procedure like I mentioned earlier. But aside from that, you can include anything that would make you feel better. Maybe a special date night💃🕺 or time spent with him helping you on one of your hobbies 🧶 would make you feel loved. Maybe having him explain your feelings back to you or him committing to letting you say everything you have to say🗣️🗣️🗣️ without a response till the very end would make you feel heard on all this. Maybe he can start working on something you'd like to try but he likewise had on the backburner🍳 so things can feel more equal.

Just lie. This is not necessarily a recommendation, but it is something you could probably get away with if you're pretty confident you won't need to talk to your husband about anymore on all this. This ask is a couple days old, say this time was enough because you've been thinking on it a lot and you feel 100% okay now, and him being willing to do this at all proves how much he cares, so you already told Metamour she has the greenlight🚦🟢 from you. He feels like he did a good job, Metamour isn't really affected, you get to move tf on. Could go badly if your hubby will then continue with this type of stuff, or if months go by and you're still seriously not okay and want to revisit it.

Beg your husband to just drop it. This doesn't get a color cause I REALLY don't think it would work for either of you, given what you've said. But technically a course of action!

Don't let all this get to you too much. It sounds like you have a good hold on things; don't lose it over so minor a hiccup. You'll find your way through this, and it'll be okay. If this type of things is a pattern with the Husband, it might be worth emphasizing what behavior you'd prefer from him, with examples, and asking him for input on how feasible that would be. But I think you can do that, too. Hang in there. I really think you're cut out for this, and these sort of things can be normal growing pains 💙💖🖤 You go this!

[cosmerelists]

Hey Radiants, if you had to join a new order, which one would you choose & why?

1. Kaladin: Skybreaker

Kaladin: I mean...I can't give up the sky, so I suppose I would have to become a Skybreaker. Kaladin: Even though I feel like I spent so long unlearning their ideas about justice, that it feels kind of...wrong. Syl: That's because it IS wrong! Kaladin: But Syl...the sky...

2. Sigzil: Skybreaker

Sigzil: Seems obvious. I'm sure no one is curious as to what my reasons might be. Sigzil: Hey, do you think my name could be cooler?

3. Eshonai: Bondsmith

Eshonai: An instant way to learn new languages and connect with people? Hell yeah. Eshonai: If able to choose, I would bond the Stormfather. Eshonai: He and I had a moment, once.

4. Shallan: Willshaper

Shallan: I've never been much of a sculptor, but at least there is SOME artistic aspect to this one.

5. Szeth: Edgedancer

Szeth: I am a graceful man. Szeth: But I could be more graceful, if I could ice skate around.

6. Dalinar: Stoneward

Dalinar: I have taken great satisfaction from those moments when I have had the chance to work with my hands, to help people by building or rebuilding. Dalinar: I think I would make an excellent Stoneward.

7. Lift: Bondsmith

Lift: I betcha the Nightwatcher is feelin' left out of the whole Bondsmith business. Lift: I think she and I would make quite the pair!

8. Renarin: Windrunner

Renarin: It is honestly a bit hard to imagine myself not with Glys, but... Renarin: ... Renarin: Could be fun to be a Windrunner, like a lot of my friends. Renarin: Just, like, charging into battle from the sky. Renarin: It would be like the time Zahel kept making me jump off the wall, only I wouldn't fall directly into the ground!

9. Jasnah: Lightweaver

Jasnah: To be honest, I would be loath to give up my soulcasting abilities. Jasnah: And I can certainly understand the utility of being able to mask or change one's appearance to suit new conditions. Jasnah: ...Even if every lightweaver I know is just a tad...irritating sometimes.

10. Navani: Dustbringer

Navani: I can definitely understand the desire to take things apart to see how they work. Navani: That's just basic science.

11. Rlain: Elsecaller

Rlain: I understand that had things played out differently, I might have bonded the Sibling as a Bondsmith. Rlain: But I do like the notion of an order that cares chiefly about self-improvement, about finding your true potential no matter where you started.

12. Hoid: Truthwatcher

Hoid: Speaking truth to power? Hoid: I do that already! And with style.

13. Venli: Bondsmith

Venli: The humans should not have EVERY Bondsmith. Venli: I'll take the Sibling. Venli: They understand that humans suck.

14. Lopen: Edgedancer

Lopen: Healing would be great 'n' all! Lopen: But mostly I think I'm great at remembering the forgotten. Lopen: Nobody remembers us Herdazians, you know!

15. Nale: Stoneward

Nale: I know that humans are fallible. That is why I follow the Law. Nale: But of all of us...Talenel was the one who didn't break. Nale: He was the one who kept the oath. Nale: Maybe he was simply better than any us. Nale: So if I had to change...maybe I should, for once, try to be more like him.

[genderqueerdykes]

im otherkin, and i would still call myself human. but also would call myself nonhuman. for a while i did think that my otherkin-ness was a reincarnated-past-life thing, but i dont really agree with that framework for myself anymore. im definitely more of a psychological type: i look at the creatures that im "kin" with and think "you are like me and i am like you, we are the same." and i honestly have thought that far far before i ever heard of the word. but as for human/nonhuman, to me it is far more contextual. i am human physically, i have human rights, i am fallible as all humans are. but i am...hm, actually, yknow what. i dont think i like the term "nonhuman" for myself. i think i prefer "inhuman." i have a very inhuman mentality, and a lot of times behave accordingly. not outwardly obviously (i just seem nd, which that is also correct) but internally it aligns.

i appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts!

i find that everyone prefers different labels to describe their relationship with humanity or lack thereof, and that's great! i love how diverse otherkin spaces are- have you ever encountered the term alterhuman before? that might suit you as well! either way, i'm glad you have figured out how to word your exact experience. my otherkin identity is psychological as well. i do believe in reincarnation, but it's difficult for me to say with confidence that i know what happened in my other lives

plus, there are lots of people who identify as nonhuman and human at the same time, so that makes sense to me! there are always fictionkin and other folks that do identify as human, and it's an otherkin/alterhuman/etc. experience just like any other!

i also acknowledge that i'm human in this life. there's no denying it, but it doesn't mean my otherkin identities aren't legitimate just because i recognize i'm in a human body. i think you're awesome, thanks for stopping by to let us know! take care, i hope it helps you feel even more like yourself to realize this!

[yearofthesnvke]

Hey, I'm the anon who was conflicted about Damien saying anything. I'm also the anon who posted the first ask about this whole situation to smoshsfavoritepizzaplace after the ren faire pics, so I've been following this for a while.

I've had a lot of mixed feelings about some people's responses to the situation, especially in regards to Damien. And honestly, it's been from both ends of the spectrum: too defensive and too accusatory.

I know we want to believe that Damien is as good of a person as he's presented himself, but I think some people might have been a little too quick to jump to the conclusion that he's been this helpless victim of abuse who doesn't owe anyone an explanation. I've had to stop myself from projecting my own feelings onto him as someone who's been in a toxic relationship. I do believe he's a victim of Chel's manipulation and am being cautiously optimistic that he'll do the right thing, but we don't have nearly enough information to be making any claims about the nature of their relationship. And we should acknowledge his part in amplifying Chel's platform, even though it seems to have crumbled beneath them.

On the other hand, I also believe some people are downplaying the risks Damien could be facing with Chel. Saying things like "he's a grown man" and "he should've known better." No one is immune to manipulation, and the odds of him being the one person in the world Chel decided not to manipulate and bring in on her schemes are *incredibly* rare. Again, I'm not trying to project, but being a victim of a toxic relationship has taught me that there are no "perfect" victims. I stayed with my ex for far too long to the detriment of my mental/emotional well-being and against the advice of my own father. Shit's complicated! I understand being cautious about supporting him, but he's still a fallible human being.

I don't want to tell anyone how to feel, but I do want to remind people to take a step back before drawing a conclusion at a point when none can reasonably be reached.

Nobody's entirely unproblematic. None of us are beyond reproach. I'm also guilty of projecting my own experience with a manipulative partner, and I try to touch grass whenever I feel like I'm not being objective.

We know just enough to wonder and not enough to assume. Shit's complicated for real, Anon.

[violetren]

I am on chapter 36 and about to go feral. Gloria just got hit with needing to make the call to leave the trapped diner and flee to space.

And it'd be poignant even on its own because Midnight Burger CHOSE her, and she chose it in return. This weird trans-dimensional time space hoping diner is her home.

But having just binged all of last season? The season where one of if not THE big message was that your past can inform who you are but it cannot shape you? The season that had such banger lines as

"A promise should not be a prison, it does a great disservice to yourself and to those you have promised to. It becomes dishonest." Effie Mucklewain, Midnight Burger Chapter 26, Brunch.

and

"I’m a scientist, my career is not. My career is now gone and look at me… still a scientist." Ava Maddox, Midnight Burger Chapter 23, Know Your Enemy

And because Brunch REALLY went hard on this message

"These things are all a part of me but I won’t live in them or try and rid myself of them. Ever forward. “That way”." Caspar Scott, Midnight Burger Chapter 26, Brunch.

Seeing Gloria be faced with the same demand to put down all the big feelings of now and look towards her future, so that she can have a future. Gloria who does not like dealing with loss like at all? And knowing KNOWING that she is going to tell Leif to make the call even though its near on the last thing she wants to do in any universe? Because that was the arc of last season. It wasn't her arc. But it was what she and her diner had to teach a space goddess. And she's human and fallible but not so stupid as to put her desire to stay with the diner over being with the people that helped make it her home and just fucking hell MY HEART.

AND THEN IT ENDS WITH IT BEING A FRANCHISE!?

THERE'S A MOVIE THEATRE!?

[peanutbutteresque]

The Pope and the Hope

It has been six days since the death of Pope Francis, and every single day since then, both of my parents have religiously set the TV to play every video related to the late Pope—jumping from documentaries to news updates to live coverage from the Vatican. I've had no choice but to get immensely invested in every video, which led me to revisit The Two Popes.

While everyone seems eager to watch or rewatch Conclave—which is a great choice for anyone wanting to understand how the conclave works—I felt something different. I found myself longing to feel the presence of Santo Padre.

When I first watched The Two Popes, I wasn't very familiar with Pope Francis due to limited exposure. Back then, we only saw him on screen during Christmas and Easter blessings. But watching the movie again, especially after his papal visit to my country, felt entirely different. It reminded me how he was a human being just like us, but he was full of compassion, humility, and a progressive way of thinking. He wasn't just the Pope, he was a man of simplicity, always favoring it from day one. His humility endeared him to billions.

In the movie, Cardinal Bergoglio (Pope Francis) expressed frustration with how the Catholic Church was becoming too rigid and resistant to change. He felt the Church wasn't adapting to the world, and he believed it needed to be more inclusive—a view Pope Benedict initially found ridiculous. Benedict wanted the Church to focus on dogma and its historical role, seeing the current challenges as a threat to its core values. But as the movie progressed, Benedict began to reconsider, acknowledging the need for the Church to evolve. He realised he wasn't the right fit for that mission—Cardinal Bergoglio was. In real life, I think we can all agree Pope Francis left behind a legacy that transformed the Catholic Church for its billions of followers.

Pope Benedict brought up the story of Saint Francis during their conversation, who was asked by God to restore the Church. Saint Francis took this literally, bringing stones and bricks—believing it referred to the Church's physical structure. But God was speaking to the spiritual and moral decay within the Church. The true call was for transformation, a return to the Gospel's core values of love, service, and humility. This scene sparked the moment in the movie when Cardinal Bergoglio chose the name Francis, which tied back to a real-life moment where Cardinal Cláudio Hummes whispered to him, "Don't forget the poor." This deeply moved him, reminding him of St. Francis of Assisi, a man of poverty, peace, and creation. The name, and the legacy behind it, became the foundation of his papacy, centered on renewal, compassion, humility, and outreach.

I also began to notice just how much Jonathan Pryce bears a striking resemblance to the late Pope. It couldn't have been just an optical illusion, I thought.

This week, I came across a narrative asking, "Why mourn a person as if you're losing your God? He was just a human being, like us all." I am well aware that after all he was just a human being, clearly fallible, absolutely wasn't perfect because he was no God. He acknowledged this just six months after becoming Pope—an act of humility. But, to us Catholics, he was more than just a man. Elected through the guidance of the Holy Spirit during the conclave, he was the direct successor of Saint Peter, whom Jesus called the "rock" upon which the Church would be built. We're mourning our spiritual father—a tireless advocate for the marginalised, a light in a darkening world, and a voice of conscience in a complex society.

Pope Francis often spoke of hope—not as mere optimism, but as a steadfast, active force. It's something we must carry, even in uncertainty. He once said, "Let us not allow ourselves to be robbed of hope." That simple line stayed with me. For Pope Francis, hope wasn't just for the fortunate, it was for the weary too. He believed, "Hope opens new horizons, making us capable of dreaming what is not even imaginable." In his words, his actions, and his simplicity, he showed us that hope isn't naive; it's courageous. He encouraged us to recognise hope, so we could marvel at how much good exists in the world and light up our hearts. Holding onto hope, we become the quiet light others follow through the dark. Maybe that's why his absence feels so heavy now—because, in so many ways, he was hope, embodied.

I remember how 2024 started with the anticipation of his papal visit to Jakarta, Indonesia. It began as a rumor, with no official Vatican statement. But a couple of months before September, it was confirmed. The enthusiasm, not only from Catholics but also from non-Catholics in Indonesia, was immense. The coverage about the Pope was massive, and I started becoming more familiar with him as every national TV channel broadcasted updates. The excitement only intensified when he arrived in Jakarta.

Every hour, we kept the TV on, tracking his entourage through familiar streets. On the second day of his visit, we decided to wait for him in front of the Cathedral, where he had an agenda. We waited about an hour until his entourage became visible. There he was, in the car he personally requested—a simple car, commonly used by ordinary people. The window was completely down—nothing fancy, nothing flashy—just him, with his simplicity and compassion.

I couldn't believe my eyes. THE POPE was right there in front of us, even if just for a split second. He waved his hand with a broad smile, breathing the same air as us, feeling the same heatwave, and driving down the same roads. It was such a special moment, one words will never do justice. Little did we know, it would be our first and last time meeting him.

The Church is losing a leader committed to making it less conservative and more inclusive. A leader who stood up for people the Church often overlooked. Here's a snippet from an interview with Pope Francis back in 2013, when asked about the most urgent need facing the contemporary Church:

“I see clearly that the thing the Church needs most today is the ability to heal wounds and to warm the hearts of the faithful; it needs nearness, proximity,” he said. “I see the Church as a field hospital after battle. It is useless to ask a seriously injured person if he has high cholesterol and about the level of his blood sugars. You have to heal his wounds. Then we can talk about everything else.”

Pope Francis took that warmth to billions of Catholics worldwide. His influence was so profound that even those who don't believe in God feel his loss.

At a time when the world is full of harsh, authoritarian leaders, Pope Francis showed a gentler kind of leadership. His transformative communication style made the Church more approachable. He didn’t live in sovereignty—he walked alongside marginalised people, those living on the peripheries, where he was most deeply touched.

I hope we get a pope who is as good as him, or even better, one who will stand up for refugees, victims of war, those threatened with genocide, immigrants, LGBTQs, the poor, the sick, and care for the environment. We need a light in the darkness now more than ever.

Thank you Papa Francesco, throughout your papacy, you have shown us what it means to live with true humility, compassion, and unwavering faith. Your words and actions have inspired countless individuals, regardless of their background or belief, to seek a life of kindness, justice, and peace. May you rest in peace, knowing that your work has touched the lives of so many and has forever changed the Church and the world.

May we keep walking in the light of his call to "never remain on the sidelines of this march of living hope."

[iwriteasfotini]

Everyone Has a Story

This has been my tagline from the beginning and FINALLY I understand why!

*In this post I talk about my HC (aka my story) in an authoritative way. I am well aware this is not how everyone characterizes or reads these characters, nor should it be. Just FYI.

*There are also minor spoilers as I divulge certain things about each character’s journey through the fic.

Yesterday I had the honor of someone other than my partner (who really doesn’t know what he’s talking about but can spot typos occasionally) beta reading a few of the chapters of my story and the experience was both eye-opening and inspirational. What was pivotal was that the person isn’t part of the Marauders fandom, but my story most definitely is. The chapters they looked at are my Voldemort centric chapters. Apart from getting some welcome and much needed advice about dry writing things like capitalizations within dialogue, a few grammar rules, sentence flow, etc, they forced me to reflect on defining the purpose of my story. 

Because I was trying to explain (both to them and to myself) what the point of my million plus word series is to someone who isn’t invested in my ships (likewise I’m not invested in theirs). And I don’t think I did a very good job. This has been a struggle for me since I started writing. What is the point of this story? I know the story, I have over half of it written, and the other half is waiting in my head. But I have dabbled in trying to define it here and there in literal ways and artistic ways, and yet I’ve never been able to look at someone and say at its core this story is about… I’ve already had a handful of people tell me my story is starting off different from any Marauders era story they have read. Of course we are talking about five(ish) people and there are literally thousands of Marauders centric fanfics out there, maybe hundreds of thousands. So there likely is something similar to my story out there already, but it is interesting to me how many people have conveyed this message relative to the small number of people who have read it so far. 

And I can tell you it is because while it’s a Marauders era story, it is different. At least in my opinion. It’s the story I want to read about these characters (and I’m not eighteen years old). It’s also still teenage drama and relationship heavy. I like the coming of age aspect. Teenagers are interesting people. They are both more fallible and at times more capable than adults. I also have a particular passion for healthy human sexuality which I believe begins as early as toddlerhood but DEFINITELY arises in the tween/teen years. There is a bit of internal healing for myself going on in this aspect of the story. And I really did try to write it without this component but it felt so flat to me. Plus this is fanfiction and it’s easier to get away with things I couldn’t in a professionally published work.  

Then, last night, my toddler woke me up at 3 am (sore throat). I eventually went back to bed, and of course my brain went into full on processing mode. So I’m taking another stab at defining my story. 

At its heart, the story is a Lily Evans versus Tom Riddle arc.

But in a different way than canon. Both of them shared the canon ability to control magic prior to receiving their wands. Both of them were removed from the magical world until they turned eleven. And the way their magic manifests into adulthood is very different. Within this arc specifically, I play with examining the danger of prophecies within the magical world. The way a person’s personality can influence their access to magic, and either limit or widen their perspective. And the juxtaposition of a narcissist versus an altruistic. Both of them have flaws. And both of them have power beyond the typical magical person. 

Lily ultimately dies. But so in a way does Tom. And then their rivalry continues into Harry’s era through Harry himself being pitted against Tom Riddle/Voldemort even though Harry doesn’t choose this path the way his mother did. I have a canon divergent story in mind for these years which sits better with me than canon in specific correlation to MY story.

Why must this story be told through the characters I chose? Because I love these ships. Haha! Only partially kidding. There are many other arcs woven into the story through the various characters. Again, the fact they are all experiencing their coming of age years plays a huge role in why they work for me. Let’s look at them individually. There are seven main POV characters. 

Lily: Covered her already for the most part. But Lily’s story is also about loving yourself, making mistakes and growing from them, taking chances, trusting your intuition, and other teenage/coming of age themes. Lily is just a person with a full capacity to love, a badass, and someone who likes to take action. She is the main character pitted against the main villain.

Severus: The arc of language as power and as a social bond between humans. In my story Severus is a Spaniard, and Spanish is his first language. He grew up in Spain. When he moves to Cokeworth, language is a huge barrier for him in integrating with his peers in primary. He knows English, but he obviously has an accent and sticks out in the town’s demographic. But he connects with Lily, first over magic, then over language as he teaches her Spanish. This bond (which ultimately is the real life mirror of their soul bond) endures forever. Language united them as people from two different backgrounds. Magic united them as well, but the language aspect is more unique once they enter the magical world together. Losing Lily is devastating, and it does affect Severus for the rest of his life, hence some of his less than appealing adult characteristics. Severus is one of the characters I plan to canon diverge on in Harry’s era. 

Remus: The arc of a limited world view being harmful both mentally and physically (in Remus’ case). Remus is the werewolf. To explore his arc, he gets to learn about and even experience what life is like for werewolves who do not reside in the UK. It is only one other culture, certainly not comprehensive to the world. But life as a werewolf is VERY different. There is not only one way to manage a problem. And when we disregard the wisdom of cultures which look different from our own, we lose so much potential as humans. Remus is one of the characters I plan to canon diverge on in Harry’s era. 

Sirius: The arc of privilege doesn’t always equate to happiness. Also (because he lives long enough to move beyond the young adult years) the impact of trauma and how it affects a person over the course of many years. As in, can Sirius overcome his trauma to live a happy life as a functional adult? Sirius is the black sheep of his family. He also cares deeply about his little brother Regulus. He has very low self-worth and it causes all sorts of problems for him (including landing him in Azkaban for 12 years). Sirius is one of the characters I plan to canon diverge on in Harry’s era. 

Regulus: The arc of consequences of playing the game. I think about Voldemort and Dumbledore as game masters in this real world (fictional) game of war. Regulus (like Lily) is super powerful but because he had a different upbringing, his attitude about his power manifests in a slightly different way. Regulus and Lily end up with the same magical mentors and are good friends, but between their House characteristics and their personal histories, they approach the war in two different ways. Regulus is also arrogant, he’s a Black after all (which I think is why he pairs well with James, also arrogant). And this arrogance, which I feel is particularly well suited for the age of his character, comes back to bite him majorly. I mean he dies. 

James: I wrote a whole post about James’ character development (or potential lack thereof). His arc isn’t as clear to me. I think his arc might be the arc of loving too hard. James dies. So we don’t see him mature into a true adult. And while Voldemort kills him, I see James having died long before that. He’s what happens when we center our life around something tangible. Something which can be taken away, in his case a person. James becomes so integrated with Regulus he ceases to be able to function when he loses him. Losing a loved one is ALWAYS hard, but it is also survivable. In my life experience, no matter what your “eggs” are, if you put them all in one basket it’s a dangerous game to play. A person needs to define themselves through a wide array of likes, loves, interests, investments, etc. When we become narrowly focused, then LOSE the capability to pursue that focus, if we don’t have other things in life to fall back on, we can end up in a very dark place indeed. My tangible real life example of this is being a high performing athlete. If, due to injury whether temporary or enduring, an athlete loses the physical capacity to perform their sport, and they don’t have other things they are passionate about, it feels very much like the entire world is collapsing. Their whole sense of identity is gone, it is like a death in many ways. Some people push through. Some people fall into major life altering/life ending depression.

Barty: The arc of how a villain is made. Pretty straight forward. EVERYONE close to Barty peerwise fights for him to NOT join Voldemort. And in the end, due to many tragic circumstances, he does anyway. Not only does he but he becomes one of his most loyal servants. Yup, that story line is happening people. I’m not canon diverging on Barty’s role in Harry’s era. 

Beyond each character’s story arc, my story likes to take every event in canon and flip it on its head. As in, you think you know how or why these events transpired, but actually there is far more going on behind the scenes. I also stretch my creative liberties to the fullest extent where magic is concerned. From wandless magical practices from around the world, to the six types of magic, how they manifest and relate to each other, to why some magical people are more powerful than others (aka the individual magical well). It is only canon in the sense that the characters discover all this magic from individuals with niche interests (like Xenophilius Lovegood) or from mentors who are from or have studied magic in other cultures. It isn’t traditionally taught at Hogwarts. It is not well known in the UK. Thus it fits, if you figure Dumbledore was just exceptionally negligent with Harry’s magical education. Which I actually think he was, but I also think there is a reason he chose to withhold so much from Harry. You know who wasn't negligent about Harry's magical education, Severus. Though in the framework of what he knows and is capable of in my story the case could be well argued he too was negligent. This is one reason why I'm canon diverging eventually. 

This story is not canon compliant. It follows the canon timeline of events through Chamber of Secrets. That being said, as the story I want to tell myself about these characters, it works in tandem with canon FOR ME. I like the ethnic diversity of the cast. I like exploring queer romantic relationships, especially trying to be authentic and not shove them into hetero gender roles/norms (I have no idea if I’m succeeding, but I am trying). I also like exploring the various types of platonic relationships and the deep connections people forge with one another, particularly in times of hardship. Sibling/family love, friendship love, and romantic love all have a place in the human experience. 

So, after this VERY long essay, I hope you can see why, if you choose to read my story, it might feel a little different than other Marauders fics. That is not to say other authors are not exploring these themes. And it is certainly not to say what I claim to be doing, I am doing well. I am a very new fiction writer and this work is as much about my own exploration and skill honing as the characters experience. But I think the combination of the real world arcs, the intensely emotional ships and platonic relationships, AND the world building shape the story into something memorable. It’s also why I have laid out the story the way I have. Each POV character has their own work, their arc takes front and center focus for the duration of that installment, while through their POV we maintain a connection with the arcs of various other characters. 

I’d like to again thank my beta reader for reading my Voldemort chapters, asking awesome questions, giving fabulous suggestions, and being so encouraging about writing how I want to write. Almost every choice I make in the story is intentional. Sometimes the intention has deep meaning, other times it is merely because I find certain characterizations and events to be entertaining or to progress the character development I’m aiming for in the main seven. Either way, I encourage questions about why things are the way they are. This is fun! It makes me think critically about my choices and see things from a different person’s POV (something I absolutely love to do).

Please excuse any typos in this, it is very long and I wrote it before the sun rose.

[sacredheart-stigmata]

Why do you worship a god who seems to hate you so much? Why do you worship a god who wants to prevent you from doing things that bring you pleasure, who cuts you off from other gods, and who says you're wrong the way you are and that you have to change for him? Jesus sounds abusive. None of my gods would ever do something like that to me. The main goddess I worship is Hel and she's really nice to me, she gives me hugs, and encourages me to engage in my desires and follow my ambitions. There are better gods for you to worship, you don't have to hate yourself or harm yourself.

It is like 3 the morning so excuse me if this is phrased badly, but I couldn’t sleep after seeing this so I figured I’d answer it now. I’m also on my phone, so please forgive any typos. You seem to be approaching in good faith, so I’m going to try and answer the same. Forgive me for this not being very scripture based or filled with citations; this answer is in regards to my heart only.

First, I don’t believe god hates me at all. I have never thought that, actually. When I left the church for six years and experimented with other religions, i still knew that god as I understood her, didn’t hate me. I didn’t even believe in her, yet I knew that was what I firmly believed.

So, I was raised episcopal-catholic (ma is episco, daddy is catholic, I know go to a episcopal church), but I consider myself a ‘lapsed cradle convert’ which means to me that despite being raised and baptized and confirmed in the church, my relationship with god is so new that I feel like a convert. I am trans, and gay. All of that growing up left me desperately wanting attention, and being the ‘perfect’ daughter of god got me that. Even had people joke I would be a nun. But my faith was nonexistent. I didn’t believe at all. I was going through the motions 100%. And that is completely okay in my eyes. Not believing isn’t some horrible sinful thing. Our relationship with the divine doesn’t work that way. When I left the church, it was easy bc I didn’t really believe. Now that I’m back, it feels like I’m entering for the first time, and I’ve never been happier with my faith.

But back to god hating me. I genuinely have never believed that. Maybe I’m lucky for being raised in a church where hell was barely mentioned, but I know my mother has always stressed the importance of god’s love and compassion. We don’t agree on everything theologically, but that is one thing that she made sure I knew from an early age. God, to me, feels incredibly soft. Warm and fluffy in my heart. A gentle touch on my soul, beckoning me. Gentle and patient, meeting me at my own pace. Waiting and helping and full of love, so full of desire to be beside me. The Creator/Father/Mother is gentle. They created a beautiful world and made me apart of it. They are my parent, overwhelmed in their love for their child and waiting with bated breath for me to return that love. Not forced, but coxed.

Jesus is my beloved. He holds me when I’m frightened. He kisses me goodnight. He adores me as I adore him. I had an episode tonight where I wanted to self harm really badly, but imaging him squeezing me from behind and running his hands down my arms brought me comfort I cannot explain.

The Holy Spirit confused me, honestly. Not in that I don’t understand her role or place as God, but because I can’t seem to neatly place her in a box— which feels like the whole point! She is unknowable, yet completely beside me at all times. Perfect wisdom. Together, the great IAM.

Second, I don’t believe god cuts me off from pleasure. What pleasure does he prevent me from? God doesn’t care if I have pre marital sex or love a man or masturbate— she cares that I treat people with love. The church? Yeah, they care. But they are not god!! They are humans, fallible, full of mistakes! The god I love asks for two things: that I love them with all my heart and that I love everyone. And you know what? As hard as loving everyone is, trying has been significantly better for my mental health. Thanks god!

So being ‘cut off’ from other gods doesn’t bother me as I don’t believe in them. Hard to miss what you’ve never cared to consider. But I think you should look into christo-paganism on tumblr and you’ll find that this statement is technically true, but far more complicated in practice.

And again. I do not believe for one second god wants me to change who I am. Be a better person? Change for good? Be less angry, less hateful, more patient, more compassionate, love justice more, give to others, fight for others— they expect all of that. My transness? They don’t give a damn; they made me trans! I am loved as I am, and I don’t need to fundamentally change myself.

Also, I’m curious. What about Jesus, not god the father or the spirit, but Jesus himself, is abusive? I’ve heard people argue god the father is for asking us to love him (while they at the same time talk about loving Aphrodite or Isis) but for me, I don’t need god to ask me to love him. He’s good enough that I don’t have to be asked.

Basically, how you described Hel? That IS my relationship with the divine, with god. That exactly. God has never made me hate myself. God has NEVER asked me to harm myself. We are in a mutually beneficial relationship. The church? An institution of men. Not god. At all.

I hope this isn’t too preachy. I’d love a reply. However, jsyk what you did is exactly the same as an evangelical coming into your inbox to preach why god is better than Hel. It was extremely inappropriate, and I don’t think you should ever do something like this to anyone.

Okay it’s like 3:35 thank you for your time.

[moderatelyquicksilversposts]

Witchy Slop: Horoscopes, Taroscopes, Interactive Readings

Some weeks ago I got asked why I only present readings I did for myself or others, and don't do interactive readings which may be useful to more people. The question was asked in good faith and in good faith I answered. But I thought it made for a nice article. As usual, I will be brash and abrasive, because I'm not an easy person, but I mean no disrespect to any particular individual.

Horoscopes. In reality, horoscopes are more the invention of journalists than of astrologers: astrologers just unwittingly lent themselves to the farce. Horoscopes are predicated on the fundamental misunderstanding that the place the Sun occupies at birth automatically has something to say about us. This is a relatively modern invention in the long history of astrology, and anyone who thinks about it seriously for even five minutes must conclude that, in order to say anything at all about one twelfth of the world population purely based on their month of birth, one needs to water down everything one says to the point that nothing is said at all except playing into the belief that everyone is adorably quirky (oh those Aries boys who ram through everything, oh those Gemini girls always being nutty). That some astrologers, realizing this, feel the need to add Moon signs, Rising signs etc. into the equation does not improve matters at all: a fundamentally silly idea multiplied by itself remains silly.

Taroscopes. Taroscopes are an even more modern invention. They substitute or complement the reading of a sun sign chart with a broad card reading (usually tarot, hence the name). They started popping up on social media some ten years ago as a way of feeding the sludgeflow of nonsense that is required to keep the algorithm satisfied. I am pretty sure they started out as a silly game, then some saw that it was good for business. I am even aware of established readers who haughtily denounced taroscopes for the travesty of divination that they are, only to bend the knee once it was clear the current flowed in one direction only.

Interactive Readings. Interactive readings are the height of silliness, and the perfect exemplification of the word 'slop'. Choose between Deck One and Deck Two and listen to why he doesn't deserve you because you are such a special, intuitive an free-minded queen. Choose between the butterfly and the butter knife and listen to why all the narcissists in your life hate you for being such an authentic empath (somehow those buying into this nonsense are always surrounded by narcissists, yet they are never narcissists themselves). That's the essence of interactive readings as a further development from taroscopes.

The reality is that divination is already hard as it is, being an imprecise and complex art due to the amount of factors to be considered and the fallibility of humans in considering them. Trying to extend it to a whole swath of people who randomly happen to bump into your video or post is beyond ludicrous.

In attempting to justify this travesty to themselves, some readers are eternally caught between two stances: "if you bump into it, it is meant for you" and "if it doesn't resonate it's not the right message", logic being the first thing to fly out the window once someone decides to be a brave and empowered little witch. Of course you'll always find someone who responds to an interactive saying "I chose the butterfly. That's exactly it, that's me to a T". And those are the unlucky ones, because they get roped into a world of self-delusion and meaningless hype (the universe seems to be constantly cooking up something big for you, according to interactive readers).

So yeah, that's why I stick to traditional readings

MQS

[wormsngods]

Step Fathers & Masturbation

Tamar and Judah (1667) by Aert de Gelder

Most of us have heard of Onan. At the very least those of us familiar with Christianity during puberty are familiar with him. For centuries, he has been cited as evidence that masturbation is a sin and has filled many a teen with immense guilt. Be that as it may, I re read the passage tonight and noticed something that had passed my notice for years prior.

But I am getting ahead of myself. The story starts in the bronze age when a tribal chief, Judah, has a son with a canaanite woman whom he names Er. Er takes Tamar to be a wife. However YHWH, finds his conduct to be evil and kills him. As per the ancient tribal custom of levirate marriage, Tamar was now to be wed to Er's brother Onan. Onan on marrying Tamar, refuses to impregnate her and instead pulls out every single time they sleep together so YHWH kills him too and the story continues.

That is the story of Onan. Or is it?

That is how most of us remember this story. But there is one little line nestled in there that my brain for some reason passed over every single time I have read this passage. That line is ,"But Onan knew that the child would not be his; so whenever he slept with his brother’s wife, he spilled his semen on the ground to keep from providing offspring for his brother." [Gen 38:9]

Onan's sin was not wasting his semen (although that in itself is not enough to deem masturbation permissible, sorry to disappoint!) but his sin was refusing to raise a child that was not his!* Where else have I heard this before?

Anywhere you go online these days you will see bitter lonely religious young men decry step fathers for being "c*cks" and insulting single mothers with much worse expletives. Why? because in their eyes it is not masculine or just to raise the child of another man. Precisely what was bad enough for YHWH to smite Onan. If YHWH is not directly killing you for your own bitter refusal to be a man and to fulfill your societal duty and letting stupid hang ups like this get between you and love and happiness and health, that does not mean He is not damning you to a slow and miserable destruction.

As you continue reading, Tamar takes on the dressing of a prostitute and proceeds to seduce her father in law and by this act she births twins who will, in time, go on to produce King David and his royal house that as per the new testament culminates in Jesus the son of Mary.

Judah and Tamar (1840) by Horace Vernet

What is the lesson to be learnt from this peculiar passage? Maybe past christians and jews who lived in peace time could not understand as well as we stand to do.

We however live in a time almost as sexually free as that of bronze age canaan. We may see reflections of the onlyfans girls, the step fathers, the born again virgins, the bitter redpill bros in these ancient names who produced mighty men and kings from their human and fallible deeds. and Allah knows best. Amen.

*Levirate marriage required that the parentage of the child be called from the deceased brother

[tanadrin]

"fairly suicidal" anon again. This kind of got away from me and ended up significantly longer than intended. Apologies for that, and if it's too long/involved/whatever to read that's genuinely totally fine. (Which is to say: please do not think you have some kind of obligation or I will be Extra Suicidal if you don't respond or whatever. I've got at least a couple more years or one more massive life-wrecking trauma left in me.)

I think your response is pretty typical of people who are, at baseline, pretty happy and optimistic, and I'm sure there are people who haven't heard its like before and would benefit from it, but.... let's be honest that's kind of a generic autocomplete response, and in my experience it tends to come from people who can't or don't really model serious depression well. My model of the perspective you are coming from is something like: It would be terrible for the things I'm saying to be true, and they don't feel true to you, so surely they must not be true for anyone-- you don't want the world to be one where those things are true, and sometimes they are untrue, so, therefore, they're probably untrue basically all the time forever. Unfortunately. I'm aware that 40 years is a decent length of time. I'm aware that my perspective is fallible and limited-- this is the primary reason why I haven't seriously tried to kill myself!. However, looking at how the past 30+ years have gone does not fill me with optimism. In particular the past 15 or so years, where I've technically had the most autonomy, I just kind of... barely existed. I am still trying things to get out of the hole but this really could easily just continue until I die. It is an extremely possible outcome that I spend my entire life wishing it was either worth living or over already, and eventually it reaches "over already." I kept expecting that I'd surely snap out of it eventually, year after year, no one can spend that long in this kind of state, right? And then 15 years passed and I simply did not. It is not unrealistic to believe that that could happen 3 more times.

"Every day you are alive in the world, you have the opportunity to find pleasure" rings really hollow when my physiological capacity to experience pleasure and happiness is extremely minimal and has been tangibly shrinking for as long as I've been a conscious human being. It feels tone-deaf. I know what my baseline looks like. It is not good. If I was guaranteed to die tomorrow, then having lived my life will have unequivocally been worse for me than not having lived it at all, and it will have been objectively a mistake that I didn't pull the plug when I was 12 and first having suicidal thoughts.

If, upon turning 80, I figured out how to have a life that was just barely worth living, and then died a year later, that does not actually undo the years of unhappiness before that, and that is still a life that was, on net, not worth living.

My impression is that people coming from your perspective have brains that just fully shut down when considering this prospect-- that you fall into the trap where you believe that even one second of a-life-worth-living is worth any amount of suffering endured to get to that point. It might help to imagine a person who experiences one single year of a life worth living, followed by 80 years of a life full of incredible misery, and then dies.

The me who exists now matters; the hypothetical-unlikely-certainly-not-guaranteed future version of myself who is marginally glad they exist doesn't just automatically get to trump all of that just because that's sad to think about.

Yes, there is no one life "track" but there certainly are circumstances more or less prone to granting happiness-predicting things like enough money to live on, autonomy, fulfillment, etc. Again, there is no rule saying this current status of being perpetually unable to get my feet under me has to end. I have spent the actual majority of my life like this.

Being unable to get a job that pays enough to live on without also making me want to die (more) does in fact hinge pretty strongly on being able to get that special insanely expensive little piece of paper. It is the cost of entry for the vast majority of non-horrible jobs, that is just what the system looks like in the US. (please do not tell me "oh just learn to code!" If I was capable of doing that I would have done it). The material conditions of my life obviously aren't that bad in objective terms given that I'm capable of using my time to send messages on the internet (if they were much worse I would have pulled the plug years ago) so it feels meaningful that I still manage to be so miserable despite that, and plausible that improving them would not help even if it were possible.

There just... there is actually such a thing as a downward spiral where the baseline becomes worse and incremental improvements become progressively harder and more fleeting, as much as it is sad to think about. Sometimes you accumulate damage and get both farther from your goal and worse at making progress towards it, and it just keeps happening. The brain is a physical object that can, sometimes, Just Get Worse. One instance of trauma can make it harder to recover from the next instance of trauma that comes along, and so on. I am still trying, clearly, and I'm clinging to the idea that lots of weird unexpected stuff can happen, but "just hope for a miracle to happen such that these patterns completely reverse against all odds" is... at minimum that's a huge ask. Please recognize it for what it is.

I'm not really looking for answers or anything here (I wasn't before either tbc, I just thought it was interesting how different my opinion apparently was compared with other extremely depressed people), but I tend to really chafe at what feels like clueless forced positivity from people who Really Don't Seem To Get It, and I hope this information will, idk, provide a potentially novel perspective. Or maybe it won't! Sorry again that it was so long.

i've spent a big chunk of my life dealing with depression. i know it pretty well actually. and if i've won any insight from that, it's that in depression we very often exactly misconstrue the causal axis of our thoughts. we think things like, "i am worthless -> therefore i am depressed." but our feelings shape how we think about ourselves and the world; even things which seem like incontrovertible and inarguably facts turn out to be a product of our rumination: "i was depressed -> therefore i felt worthless."

i know this feels like a platitude. i know when you are depressed saying something like "nobody is worthless" or "it's never too late" feels like somebody blowing rainbows up your ass, some hippy dippy shit that doesn't mean anything. but as someone who has frequently felt worthless, and has frequently felt that they have fucked up their life beyond repair, who has seen other people going through it and come out the other side, i'm telling you: as a matter of both personal experience and accumulated knowledge about the world, "nobody is worthless" and "it is never too late" is not a platitude. it is a rational, reasoned judgement i have been won over to, and which i am totally convinced of. i offer it, not as a panacaea (we cannot reason ourselves or be cajoled out of depression; the thoughts are subsequent to the feelings!), but as (hopefully) the very mildest of analgesics.

i'm not a negative utilitarian. i don't think you can take all the bad and good things that happen to a person, assign them a numerical score, and subtract one from the other to determine whether their life was worth it after all. reading about rare medical abnormalities on wikipedia is itself sufficient to convince one there are certainly short lives full of nothing but pain. and observing people dying of degenerative diseases is enough to why there are points at which people make the rational decision not to continue living. but i also know that there are people who have convinced themselves their life is not worth living, because the pain of allowing themselves to be hopeful again, only to have to deal with crushing disappointment, makes it more reassuring to abandon hope altogether. and i have known people so trapped in the teeth of their suffering, they are unable even to do the one thing that may bring them some relief, until they make the conscious choice to believe that that feeling of despair is not in fact a reliable guide to truth.

we prefer certainty to hope; the sure knowledge we are doomed is often cognitively a lighter load than the uncertain possibility of future happiness. but i think it's worth it to keep hope alive. not because i am a sunny optimist who has never felt miserable, but because i have lost days, weeks, months, years to the blackest despair. i have spent many an hour carefully ruminating on the very clear and inarguably true things that made me feel that way, carefully laying out why life was not worth living and maybe never would be, specifically debunking all the bullshit people told me to try to counsel me out of my depression. and that feeling that was ironclad certainty in my mind at the time is, looking back, like a fading mirage. one should always at least consider the possibility that what feels to us like an immutable truth of our life is less substantial than it seems.

[the-real-rain-world-confessions]

I would really like to see more interpretations of Moon that highlight her weakness (or perceived weakness) rather than making her an assertive girlboss who stands up for herself or is righteously angry

I understand why that sort of content is made obviously it is cathartic and comforting for many, of course

though as someone who has difficulty asserting themself, who has trouble taking up space, who is often passive, and can be too self-sacrificing it is nice to feel seen and accepted and like idk

I think it speaks to a different kind of strength to remain as kind and positive and helpful as she does, even if she is not perfect and can also be snippy or passive aggressive or irritable at points

and there are points she will refuse to speak to you, of course

no one is perfect, obviously

but she really does try her best to be kind helpful despite everything she's been through, and I think sometimes people can overlook how meaningful that is because it's easy to think "oh she's just nice" rather than "she is deliberately choosing to be kind to others in spite of her circumstances"

(which is understandable since it is quieter and more understated than something more obvious or dramatic or immediately gripping like FP's guilt and self-loathing)

idk it's just nice to know that maybe it is ok to not be a girlboss who puts people in their place

maybe it is ok to still be kind and gentle and hopeful even when you've been terribly hurt and beaten and betrayed by others

and maybe it is ok to have flaws like that and that not everyone will be good at that kinda stuff, and some people will just make the best of what they can in a terrible situation rather than always having the strength or means to solve/overcome it

again I do not wish to dismiss or invalidate or demean more assertive confident or empowering interpretations of moon of course, I understand they hold a lot of value to people for their own reasons

So please do not feel like your interpretation is "wrong" or "bad" if it does not align with my own

I just would like to see a bit more of the alternative because it brings me catharsis and comfort I guess

Which, the obvious answer is to make it myself, and, fair enough, I really should work harder on that

but I am also a fallible little human being so I will go and make long posts spilling out my feelings to random strangers in hope it might connect with someone somehow

.

[dk-thrive]

I get a base, primal satisfaction from actually just doing something, no matter how insignificant.

From spring until late fall, when winter weather drives me indoors to the treadmill, I spend 20 minutes each morning after my run around the Back Cove in Portland, Maine, walking the shoreline, picking up garbage. Every day is Groundhog Day — I gather plastic cups, syringes, food containers and cigarette butts the same as the morning before, and the same as the morning before that.I should almost certainly feel despair battling the daily fallout as late capitalism enters hospice care. But instead I get a base, primal satisfaction from actually just doing something, no matter how insignificant. We’ve forgotten, maybe, as the virtual world has slowly co-opted our lives, that we are meant by nature to move through and manipulate, to lift and carry and sort and transfer. Simple acts, I’ve found, have an outsized effect on the worrying over abstractions that otherwise takes up so much of my time. [...]

The satisfaction I get from this habit is not uncomplicated. Sometimes I take paradoxical pleasure in getting dirty with other people’s trash, and other times the surprise dollop of last night’s honey mustard sauce on my shoe is enough to send me directly over the edge.

But the daily practice has taught me to be on guard against my own vanity — to notice and discard the smug feeling that sometimes arises when I see others enjoying the cove but doing nothing about how blighted it is. Instead I am confronted each day with my own fallibility, tininess and hypocrisy (as just one more trash ape among billions, I contribute to the problem simply by existing). And instead of puffing myself up, I check myself and reach for more garbage. [...]

I go and gather garbage by myself most days. And occasionally something will occur that happily disproves my dim view of humanity. People will notice me, and wonder what I’m doing all sweaty and breathless down there among the marsh grass and the rocks. I present an intriguing enough figure for them to stop, in the midst of their preoccupations with the day, and take the time to discern what I’m up to. And when they figure out that I am, in fact, picking up garbage, sometimes — not often, but occasionally — they’ll come and join me. We’ll chat or, more likely, we won’t do much other than exchange hellos, or simply nod. Just a couple of strangers doing something small and futile together, for no other reason than that it’s right. The kind of modest, workaday miracle that feels like it could, with any luck, lead to something bigger.It seems near all but certain that we are, as a species, too shortsighted and distractible, too enamored of dividend checks and retail therapy, to really turn this ship around. But, then, despair and idealism are two sides of the same cop-out, and I’ve indulged in both more than enough in my time. So I’ll keep splitting the difference, keep picking up trash — and keep hoping that simply setting an example can be meaningful.

— Ron Currie, Jr., excerpts from "This is What Keep My Eco-Anxiety in Check" (NY Times, October 23, 2023). Ron Currie Jr. is the author of the novel “The One-Eyed Man” and a writer for film and television, most recently for the series “Extrapolations.