#I am aware that I am being a petty judgemental bitch here

[pennyplainknits]

A small and I acknowledge petty rant

I stg if I see one more sewing pattern promising "no tricky buttons" "no fiddly zips" "no difficult fastenings" I will scream.

A) none of those things are hard. No you might not want that for your first sewing project but they are not DIFFICULT. Take half an hour and some scrap fabric and stitch a few buttonholes. In newer machines (which I don't have) you don't even need to change the dial, they do them all in one step. There. Now you can make a fucking buttonhole.

It does help to have the right foot for your zip, but if you don't you can handsew them. Pin them in place, sew, don't forget to press. You're almost always just sewing a straight line. For invisble zips spend then like, £7 for an invisible zip foot if your machine didn't come with it.

There, now you have a zip.

B) Not every pattern needs to be for beginners. I am SO SICK of looking at the new releases and seeing 100 variations on oversized sack dresses because somewhere along the way someone decided that zips were unacceptably hard.

I know in part that the massive oversized silhouette is in right now (I hate it but whatever I don't have to wear it) but I sew so I DON'T have to wear whatever is in the shops at them moment. I want something that is fun and engaging to make but that isn't like, full on vintage repro and doesn't make me, someone easily in middle age look like a TODDLER.

[proposalanonaita]

FINE.

The date is fast approaching (seven and a half weeks left), I've had sufficient quantities of Malbec, and I'm realizing that whoever suggested that writing my vows would be MUCH more harrowing than talking about my feelings to internet nobodies.....had a fair point; I should at least attempt to put it all to words before I write the real drafts.

Ugh.

I should probably start by stating that I'm WELL aware of who I am. Rest assured, I know that I'm stunningly abrasive. And controlling. And petty, conniving, misanthropic, or whatever other adjectives you've been calling me in the tags (yes, I DID read those, and it IS weird of so many of you to be calling for my divorce. I thought you were supposed to be nicer than I am?).

All this to say, I've always been cognizant of being an acquired taste. Partly because I've always BEEN an acquired taste. I tone it down in public, and in most of my personal relationships, but I am, down to my core, a Mean Mother Fucker.

With partners before my fiancé, I had to make myself more palatable to stay together. The men I dated were FAR too nice, and snipping with them at all felt like I was a heavyweight champion facing off against a toddler. So I reigned it in. It worked, but no matter how well things were going on paper, I didn't feel like I was myself with any of them.

I was even less myself with The Shithead. I'm NOT getting into the entirety of that particular tire fire here, you little freaks already know FAR too much about me and I won't have you tagging the gory details of the worst part of my life with #bob the builder/fuzzy wuzzy or whatever you're into.

He was horrible to me, I turned dangerously timid, I'm lucky I had enough Mean left in me to get the fuck out. He's changed enough by now that I considered inviting him to the wedding, it was bad enough back then I'm very glad I didn't. Enough said.

...I'm talking quite a bit up here because I still hate having to say any of the next part. Call me an emotionless villain for that if you want to, I am far too employed and 30 to care very much.

Ugh, ugh, ugh.

So.

The thing is, there are people that KNOW me, and there are people who LIKE me. My parents know me, and I've never doubted they love me, but that's not LIKING me as a person. That's a contractual obligation of birthing me. My friends like me, some even like me when I'm catty, but I need to be careful to hold myself back, at the risk of losing them. At best, people loved "me", not ME.

For decades, this was just the way the world was. It was a fact of life- The sky is blue, I'm secretly unlovable, the Earth goes around the sun.

And then, against all odds, I found my fiancé, who manages to do both.

He sees ALL of me. Every square inch, every fleeting thought, every horrible little quirk of my rotten personality. And THEN, as if that weren't bad enough, he turns around and ENJOYS it all. He's not just tolerant of my least palatable traits, he's delighted. The more I show him, the more he likes.

It's awful. I'd say he stole my heart, but that sounds too pleasant. It's more like my heart is a cockroach he could squish at any moment, and I trust him not to, and I'm just supposed to wake up every morning and do the dishes and go to work as if this doesn't mean we're clearly orbiting Saturn. The sky is PURPLE now. What the fuck.

He could at least do me the favor of being completely, 100% perfect, because then I could blame his total lapse in judgement on that, but NO. He's a BASTARD.

I'm engaged to a big sweaty idiot who annoys me on purpose. He's terrible with his money. He tries to take me on HIKES, and JOGS, and CAMPING TRIPS. His taste in every single art form known to man is GARBAGE, he's constantly leaving his dirty socks on the floor, and he's such a bad driver I'm amazed he still has a license.

I've told him all of that to his face, and I've MEANT it, and he's just called me a bitch and asked me what I want for dinner. He knows that I'm unlovable, agrees that all those parts of me are in here, and then loves me anyway.

He loves me. He LOVES me. He loves ME.

I don't know what I'm meant to do with it all, but there's clearly SOMETHING wrong with his brain, so I guess I'll have to keep him, if only for his sake.

[cillyscribbles]

i promised cats metaposting 2 bagpipe boogaloo and i am a bitch of my word here we go

cats 1998: the rum tum tugger + these hands are rated G for grizabella

(theory wank under cut call that catracter development)

(theory wank about munkustrap & grizabella here for those uninitiated)

RIGHT SO unfortunately this one is no longer semi-coherent overanalysis of microexpression but a full descent into conspiratorial madness, so please remain aware of the fact that this is a tangent missing textual support at the best of times. it's entirely possible and even likely that rum tum tugger is genuinely just a bitch to grizabella because that's who he is as a person and doesn't like what she smells like or something idfk. anyway.

welcome to my red string board of why rum tum tugger actually doesn't dislike her for no reason and totally has depth and yeah we're poor little meow meowing a white boy with more hubris than eyeliner, classic essay genre on tumblr, at least he's a catboy this time and the hubris-eyeliner ratio is actually a close call.

anyway, for any of my theorizing to make sense, here are the two headcanons it's all based on:

grizabella is an (ex-)wife of old deuteronomy and the mother of rum tum tugger (and munkustrap if you're so inclined)

grizabella left the jellicle cats at some point when rum tum tugger was a kitten or otherwise a very young cat

and honestly the rest just flows from the mommy issues to be honest. there's a load of alternate explanations and theories and headcanons and mine's by no means the right one necessarily, but i do have to admit the family angst it allows for is balls to the walls insane because it just. it fits what we see on screen so well!

look at this clown i love him. he ONLY does the puff-up at grizabella. and even though that supports my theorizing it's also honestly a bit of a loss i think. it's such an evocative cat-thing. i want him to do that when something jumpscares him lmao. i NEED him to do that at old deuteronomy jokingly and get cuffed on the back of the head by munkustrap for being a professional youngest child. anyway

don't get me wrong, the fact that tugger has a grudge against grizabella isn't anything special, most older cats do; hell, some of them deliberately walk past her Judgementally (bombalurina, notably) or shake their head at her in disapproval (jennyanydots), but it's so pointedly constant and so pointedly Pointed with tugger that it draws my eye. every time she appears, he has to clearly and explicitly broadcast his displeasure with the fact that she's daring to breathe at them.

like, she's not In His Way or anything here. he doesn't have to walk past her if he doesn't want to. he doesn't have to look at her; plenty of other cats pretend she doesn't exist when she looks at them. but not only does he do all those things, he explicitly looks at her and puffs his coat up again. he's walking at a fairly brisk pace toward her and actually slows down to do it. it's such a deliberately mean thing to do it's stuck between really extra and really petty. exactly the same with the jellicle choice scene.

my man's being so petty this should be constituted as bullying lmao. look at that! nobody likes you still! sucks to be you i guess! like. this man would be pouncival doing the fake pranks and scratching her if he was a kitten. he's just, constantly upping his level of mean to her. in the first scene he at least has the decency to walk out in the opposite direction of her.

a really professional youngest child. again, all that ^ is fairly grounded thought on character performance i think if you don't really connect it to anything, but i'm connecting it to abandonment issues for maximum ouch lmao.

so, bear with me for a moment: for whatever reason, grizabella leaves the jellicles, including her husband and kid(s). (if you're a fan of the theory about macavity being the third brother to munkustrap and tugger, i mean, she might've just left with him because he was her kid. i dunno.) and you're tugger. Baby tugger, even. you don't understand why she'd leave you. was it you? were you too much? were you not enough? of course not, but you're a little cat with a lot of pride and all the makings of a Petty Little Bastard in you, so you say fuck all that. i'm not too much; i'm actually more than enough. i'm the best! and i'll make damn sure you never forget it!

i feel like if you include munkustrap in that too it gets to be a really interesting dynamic. tugger's mean and angry and going out of his way to show it, and munkustrap is just kind of. "can we not do this" about it. really seems like he'd rather be somewhere else, but, i mean, welcome to The Unpleasant Shit being his job. professional eldest sibling.

she approaches him and he actively goes absolutely not oh look at that what a nice corner i'll just go stand over there. meanwhile tugger's determined to be all OH! OH LOOK WHO'S HERE!!!! WELCOME HOME CHEATER!!!!!! about it. like i already made a post about this so i won't get into it again but i really don't think munkustrap is all that mad at her, which gives tugger's attitude some nice contrast.

continuing with dynamics for a moment, i feel like tugger either has real Attuned Parental Figure Senses or is surprisingly perceptive for his character? this isn't necessarily connected with the point before, but i mean, he stops his whole entire number MID-DANCE MOVE to point out grizabella. he does do it with great flow though you must admit.

he loves attention!! that's established!! whether or not he's up for it at All Times we can have a discussion about (he really just dips out after his number to recharge for a good while lol) but he's here having the time of his life, BOOM one whiff of grizz and he's tearing down the party decorations, that's it, everyone go home.

i'd attribute it to him just Really Having That Big of a grudge if he didn't also kinda sorta activate his Deuteronomy Detect power during the lad's arrival LMAO.

look at that! he beats munkustrap to it! admittedly i can't see the rest of the stage so it might be that all the other cats already saw it and he's just pointing old deuteronomy out to munkustrap as the latter's too busy looking the other way. but it's still a funky way to get in character traits besides Mean & A Whore!

ok and another notable thing, and to me something really interesting, it that tugger never does end up touching grizabella, even though he has the choice to.

after she's first accepted back via touch from victoria, the cats sort of line up to show their affections too. it's a really nice scene in my opinion, you get the sense that all those cats really are happy to be able to take back an old friend and i'm all for it. but the cherry is that tugger is being Really Interestingly Acted here - he leads cassandra closer so she can reach out to grizabella, but tugger himself stays behind with this sort of blank expression over him. even those cats i mentioned before - jennyanydots and bombalurina - get the moment to hold grizabella's hands and smile and encourage her on. tugger doesn't do that.

grizabella doesn't touch every cat, granted, but even those she doesn't touch are reaching out to her, which is pretty much as good as. they all do enough of that sort of implied gesture throughout the musical that it shows it's affection and acceptance all the same whether or not physical contact is made, like for example old deuteronomy's greeting and the moments before the jellicle choice; the first one's posed similarly to grizabella's return, everyone's trying to touch old deuteronomy, but they're perfectly fine with sort of just reaching out and being reached out to (note mr mistoffelees and bombalurina). in the second one it's even sillier because both munkustrap and old deuteronomy could clear the like 10cm of distance between them, but the reaching and willingness is more than enough for that mutual understanding to come between them. basically intent > result (side note: this is not a good rule for life outside of the cats musical).

tugger doesn't reach out. doesn't try to get any closer than he already got and stays in the shadow behind the rest, just watching her go for a bit before he dips again.

with the way he's squashed behind asparagus jr here i can't tell if he's bowing or nodding or what, but i think it'd be really funny if he was just trying to make himself shrink a little. like hanging his head nope i'm not here don't look at me goodbye. so completely contradictory to his usual vibe it's hilarious.

it is interesting to think about though, in my opinion, that he spends pretty much the rest of the musical in the shadow and separated from the other celebrating cats. he climbs up onto the chest and stays on that platform for the rest of the show while the other cats are being directed by munkustrap to follow and then surround old deuteronomy.

it's interesting - he may be positioned above the other cats physically, but it makes him feel sort of separated if you know what i mean. there's usually this pretty clear separation between munkustrap and the other cats when they're on screen, they might crouch when he stands and reach out to him when he's talking, but this time munkustrap is just down there calling upon the vibes with the other cats, and only makes his way up to old deuteronomy's right after grizabella's gone and it's time for the closing number. rum tum tugger straight up bounces as they're going to the russel hotel LMAO.

he does hype her up as she's going up, which is also really cute. he's off to the side so the other cats aren't really looking at him, but even as old deuteronomy shows her the rest of them, grizabella's eyes linger on tugger's wee rockstar schtick and it just kind of melts me.

anyway. man may be conflicted but he's happy mum gets a retry whether anyone likes it or not. and i think that's nice. :)

[emakenz]

was talking abt symptoms of autism to my parents and my dad put his head in his hands saying he wish the internet didnt exist and that i should go to a library. bitch. you stupid slut. i am expressing my emotions and thoughts just like you have encouraged me to do then you fucking insult me? right to jail. go to big meanie jail. i am sending you to prison.

i was saying how i present a lot of the symptoms (such as social impairment, lack of understanding in social cues, RSD, not understanding social standards and therefore not abiding by what i "ought to do" //like shaving my legs bc im a girl. hell no. hate the feeling, and im not cis, and im not your fucking doll on display//, sensory issues, difficulty processing shit, hyperfixations, etc etc) and he goes and fucking. pretty much SHAMES me for it. not outright saying it, but definitely implying that im just trying to get attention or be special or that im a hypochondriac. im sorry, but last i checked, IM the one whos taken CLASSES. AT SCHOOL. about similar shit. and you have the nerve to blame THE INTERNET for me spitting straight fire. burn in my wrath you dumb whore. im SORRY for EXPRESSING MYSELF and RAMBLING ABOUT THINGS IM INTERESTED IN. god forbid i fucking talk about anything that goes against YOUR VIEWS. you always say that you "dont push your beliefs on others" and that others "shouldnt push their beliefs on you" but yet you stand there and belittle MY BELIEFS when im the one that actually RESEARCHED what IM TALKING ABOUT. what do you know. you only have "experience" (living in a small town full of closed minded hillbillies that strut their problematic asses through life. THATS NOT EXPERIENCE. YOUVE ONLY LIVED IN ONE FUCKING CITY YOUR WHOLE LIFE. YOU DONT LEAVE, YOURE ALWAYS AT HOME OR AT WORK. YOU DONT INTERACT WITH PEOPLE DIFFERENT THAN YOU. YOU DONT KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT EXPERIENCE AS YOU HAVENT FUCKING LIVED OR LEARNED.). you always compare yourself to others, saying how youre laid back and lenient and the most easy going dad in town, yet when i compare literally anything saying that something is better than this (like i can say i believe that so and so is better than whatstheirface) and if it goes against your opinion, you fucking go on and on about how youre right and im wrong because im just a kid that hasnt lived. bitch you havent lived and youre 45. get over yourself you white cishet privileged motherfucker. your only "discrimination" is being poor, but that comes with living as a LOW LIFE THAT DOESNT TRY TO BETTER THEIRSELF OR TAKE AN OPPORTUNITY WHEN YOU SEE ONE. ive lived in the same broken down trailer since before i was born, ive only went to one school up until high school, (one school for elementary and middle school then the high school, thats it), i havent had a job or done anything with any impact to society so therefore im worthless in your eyes? you provided this for my life. im not going to be your doll, your pet, your servant or what have you. im a fucking person, an individual with my OWN "experience" and views and beliefs. im not following your rules, the rules that have no reason to exist other than it displeases you if i dont follow them. i try to educate myself, i research, i interact with different kinds of people, and while i may not have firsthand "experience" with much, at least i fucking try to not be ignorant. youre so willingly ignorant, you dont care about the facts, you dont trust anything or anyone. youre so skeptical of every little thing. but somehow your beliefs are the definite reality? that you hold the truth? youre so skeptical you dont even trust your own views, you claim to be open minded, then turn around and claim to be closed minded and that your views cant be changed unless proven otherwise, yet even when your view is proven against being true, you still dont believe it. you dont have the confidence in yourself to hold yourself accountable by your own words. youre an ignorant, close minded, hypocritical asshole. i love you, but DAMN you make me mad. everyone has flaws but.. damn. problematic king behavior over here, get him the crown of dumbassery. goddamn.

hes apologized and explained that he tries to be mindful and how much he has to hold his tongue and that hes being polite to me compared to others and how he wont change etc etc. thats not an apology thats a half hearted explanation of why you act that way and that you dont really feel the need to actually try. you say its hard for you to talk to me bc im so "political" and take things literally and personally (the last two are true, but if im to be officially diagnosed with autism, im throwing that in his face. ill give HIM and explanation of why I dont fit his eyes.), im not even political im just honest. if i notice you saying or doing something thats genuinely Wrong, im going to say something, i dont want to be the judgemental "millenial" (im gen z, not that it matters really) but i also dont want to just stand by without saying something. you say im so "politically correct" and it hurts me that you feel so passionate about your fragile mindset that you feel the need to call me out on my "argumentative attitude". im just trying to spread awareness, go ahead, call the pharmacist a slur, say it to their face, you coward. you wont. because you know that its wrong. if you have the balls to say it, i hope someone actually tells you off and gives you the same treatment. you couldnt handle it. being "discriminated" against, while in reality, you were the discriminater. dont fucking dish it out if you cant handle it. be mindful, respectful, and educate yourself. check yourself before you wreck yourself. or someone will come to wreck you themself to teach you a lesson.

very big vent here im tired. ignore this lmfao. everythings fine im just a petty bitch.

[artificialqueens]

Make The Most of the Dark (Bitney) - Puppy

Summary:

Bianca is playing a babysitter for her cousin and a group of her friends at prom.

Courtney has come with someone else but they seem to have gotten distracted.

What happens when they lock eyes and meet up again?

Inspired by Madonna’s “Crazy For You”

AO3 link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28301046

A/N: Merry Christmas, folks. This was for @opalescent-cheetah for a song fic challenge. I hope you all enjoy and have a happy holidays.

~~

Swaying room as the music starts

Strangers making the most of the dark

Two by two their bodies become one

Bianca observed the dancing couples in front of her and hoped no one heard her laughing over the music. The DJ just switched to a different track: something schmaltzy and slow, almost like how that night had been. Some of the couples in front of her honestly looked ridiculous to her. Most of them were either glued together or it was very obvious it was the first time they had danced together. Were they waiting for a third person to sandwich themselves between? If they were leaving room for Jesus, the space between could have fit Him and two other disciples.

She wasn’t intending to spend the past few hours leaned against the wall of the gym counting down the minutes, but here she was: standing in a dress she sewed herself and her reddish-brown hair in a fancy updo. She’d been to cotillion, and the atmosphere was much different. If those instructors ever knew what she was up to now, they’d probably have the biggest fit.

Bianca came with a few friends, but she didn’t really have a date. One of them practically begged her to drive, but she wasn’t aware that she was bringing a whole squad. They didn’t hate her, they just needed a designated driver if/when things got too much. Knowing that particular friend group, things were to get too much.

I see you through the smokey air

Can’t you feel the weight of my stare

You’re so close but still a world away

Among the dancing couples and general modes of merriment, someone started to approach her. Bianca squinted, as one of the disco lights was right in her eye. “Do you want me to unlock the car? You have to get whatever it is yourself. Just try not to hurt yourself on the way…” She did a quick double take and, realizing her mistake, she apologized profusely “Oh my god, I am SO SORRY. I thought you were someone else.”

“It’s fine,” the other girl responded. “Don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah… at least you aren’t one of my charges. Good thing you’re just one of those short-skirted, nice-titted, blonde bitches.” Oh shit… that definitely came out wrong. Please don’t leave me here. She hissed through gritted teeth.

“I’m one of many. Glad you think these are nice though.” She laughed; her blonde curls bouncing with every sound, and Bianca couldn’t stop staring at them. Great, she wasn’t offended. Her sense of humor… wasn’t strange, but it took some getting used to; it’s very off-putting at first listen. “Wait… don’t we have a class together?”

“Yeah! AP Lit.” The auburn-haired girl slowly nodded her head. “You’re Courtney, right?” She nodded her head. “Cool…” The tension between those two wasn’t awkward, per say but “So… what brings you over here? I’m just looking to see if those guys don’t do anything stupid,” She gestured to a group on the other side of the gym, loitering by the punch bowl. Bianca silently prayed they didn’t spike it. “And then to drive them to the after party… wherever it is. Probably some Motel 6 in the middle of nowhere…. Or some sketchy apartment uptown.”

“The apartment isn’t that sketchy,” Courtney added, then stopped herself. “Well that depends on who’s hosting this year. Is Jared hosting again?”

“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger. No one told me and I might not know until I get back in the car. Dory wasn’t invited, so I assume she and her friends will be crashing.”

“Wait, Dory?”

“Adore. My little cousin. She’s visiting from Azusa and she wanted to see what the scene was like. How was I to know she’d bring an entourage?”

“Oh my…”

“And you’re still dodging the question there, Court.”

“My date kinda blew me off last minute. Very last minute, now that I think about it.”

Well, that answers that question, Bianca let out a breath before answering. “Oh shit…”

“And it sucks because I drove her here! Just for her to spend all her time with someone else!” Courtney stared directly at her ditcher as she picked a few petals off her corsage. “She loves me, she loves me not.”

For a time, the two girls just stood there, wallowing in their own problems. They stared at each other, unsure of their next move. Bianca could only just take in her classmate’s beauty and the fact that she came with a date only made it better; there was nothing more beautiful than the unattainable, she always said. However, there was this chance. There was still something about Courtney that just itched at her brain a certain way. They were never really close, but there were always qualities she admired: her effervescence, the way she just lit up whatever room she was in.

“I think I should make her jealous.”

“What?”

“Why not make her jealous? She’s dancing with someone else, so obviously, I should get back.” Courtney replied, though her mind may not have been the most sound. Revenge often clouded this sort of judgement.

Some gears turned in the girl’s mind. The next song came on and Bianca pulled her classmate into the center of the gym. “B, what are you doing?” But she didn’t say anything more as the two girls wordlessly swayed along to the music, a little closer than what they had been before.

Courtney laid her head on Bianca’s chest and stared directly at her date with a look of both pettiness and regret. This may have seemed fun in the moment, but they just had to talk it out sooner or later. Maybe this was some big misunderstanding that could easily be cleared the next day. Yes, her girlfriend was great, but no one should ever feel like a third wheel on their own date. Being with this… mutual friend at best felt comforting, motherly.

The blonde looked up at her dancing partner who stared back at her. There was this gravitational pull drawing themselves closer and closer until their lips briefly met. “Sorry… I shouldn’t have done that, shouldn’t I?” Bianca quietly apologized before being shushed.

“You’re good.” The other girl hesitated a bit before continuing. “You can keep going if you want.”

“You sure?”

Courtney nodded again and reinitiated the kiss.

Sure the two had their own things to worry about, but in this moment it was just the two of them in the middle of the dance floor. Nothing else could have escaped that feeling.

What I’m dying to say, is that

I’m crazy for you

Touch me once and you’ll know it’s true

I never wanted anyone like this

It’s all brand new

[tonystarktogo]

honestly, it's been 2 years, still doing bitter sposts and still being bitter generally seem so ... petty (?) why being so stuck on 1 mcu movie? when there's now 19 of them? i think it's just sad to react like that

Huh. You know, in all honesty: I’m surprised you’re the first to comment on that. What surprised me even more is that I get this ask now? Is it because of those recent Wanda posts I did? I’m really curious because I haven’t done a lot of bitter stuff in a while, so the timing seems odd? But okay, for some reason you asked now and I’m answering. Here goes nothing:

1) Let’s start with the obvious one, shall we? Being bitter – if done in a specific context and in moderation – is fun. Come on, I’m sure you’ve noticed all the gossiping people love so much. All those times your best friend complained about their boss again. We like being bitter. We get enjoyment out of having arguments and discussing something we’re passionate about. We like sharing things that bother or annoy us. 

I complain about the given temperature every day of the year. I complain about rain – but I complain about it being too hot to. I complain about cigarette smoke and my train being late and I complain about the way MCU handled CW. Because I can. Because I like to.

2) Yes, it’s been two years. So what? Tony being bitter and getting over Team Cap is like any other recurring trope in fanfics. It’s a certain plot I enjoy, again and again. Just like I love Enemies to lovers or Team as a family and many, many other tropes out there. I read them again and again, and I write them again and again. Because the exact wording might differ, but the underlying plot remains the same and I love it. How long it’s been since CW came out has nothing to do with it. I’ve liked Team as a family since the Avengers came out. I repeat: So what?

3) Why is it this specific MCU movie that matters so much? Well, for starters because it’s the last in my Tony Stark canon time line. When it comes to the Avengers as a whole, CW is the last status update we’ve had. There is no team anymore. That’s canon right now. Yes, there’s Infinity Wars but I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT MOVIE YET. No spoilers please. It came out two days ago, I haven’t had the time to watch it. 

So why wouldn’t CW still have a major influence on everything I write? Like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows is still a major influence in how I talk about Harry Potter, even when I’m discussing something concerning the first book. It’s a part of the canon world. Why should I forget about it?

4) I am petty. I like to think that this is not the only thing I am, or even the characteristic that defines me the most, but I’m not some perfect, generous, all-loving being full of forgiveness and baby kittens. I can be mean, I can be bitchy, I can hurt other people’s feelings whether I mean to or not. And I absolutely can be petty. But considering this particular pettiness is directed at fictional characters and I’m well-aware of it, I don’t think it’s much of a problem. Feel free to disagree.

5) You think this is sad? A dead baby seal is sad. People still not having enough food and water to survive is sad. Running out of coffee is sad. But seriously? My bitterness about CW is not sad. Because I don’t let that bitterness consume me. And I honestly don’t know how I ever came you the impression that I do. 

Yes, I write bitter posts. I also write everything is beautiful and nothing hurts posts. I write angst and fluff and bitch please I’m amazing BAMF ass-kicking and humour. If anything the bitter content has steadily lessened. I don’t even do regular bitter sundays anymore. And why? Because I don’t feel like being bitter all the time. That’s why. Because I do a lot of stuff that’s everything but bitter. My life doesn’t revolve around bemoaning CW. It doesn’t even revolve around Tony Stark, no matter how much I love the character. 

6) I’m not stuck on anything. CW is a part of the verse I enjoy, and it’s a part I acknowledge. But it’s not all there is to MCU, and I don’t treat it as such. As proven by my 300 something unfinished AUs and ‘verses that disregard canon completely, focus on the MIT-era or the Avengers time, and so on, and so on.

7) Just in case my occasional digs against Steve Rogers are the reason for your ‘concern’, rest assured: I didn’t like Steve Rogers long before CW came out. CW was merely the reason why my disinterest turned into dislike, nothing more. I have many reasons for that, but considering the length of this post I won’t delve into them now. (And no, I have no problem with other people liking Steve. As long as we mutually respect our stances, we’re all good. It’s not that hard.)

Bottom line: Civil War is not a personal tragedy or an obstacle I have to overcome. It’s not an insult I have to forgive. It’s part of the canon MCU, and contains important developments of and experiences for Tony Stark, and as such it has a place on my blog, just like anything else pertaining Tony Stark.

You don’t have to like that. You don’t have to agree with my stance. You don’t have to read the content I write. You can block any bitter posts, they always contain the hashtags #bitter Sunday or #bitter. Or you can just block me, if you’d prefer.

But please – at the risk of sounding petty, as mentioned under point number 4 – save your judgement and your sadness for a worthwhile cause. I and my occasional bitterness don’t need it.

We’re perfectly fine and very happy. Together and apart.

[goforwardgreenwriter-blog]

The Worm Reads: Empire of Storms, Ch 28 - 29

I honestly don’t know how it can get worse from here.

So they start the real official meeting that Rowan called in Rolfe’s office, and Aelin wastes no time making me want to rip my eyes out.

[Rowan’s] face—oh, gods, [Aelin]’d missed that harsh, unyielding face

Back to Ratlin (that’s what I’m calling it from now on) splooging I see. Great. Can’t wait for multiple paragraphs of Aelin busting a nut at the thought of Rowan’s peen while SJM insists these books have a plot.

Aelin decided she didn’t particularly give a shit who was watching and rose up on her toes to brush her mouth against [Rowan’s].

UHHH WHAT THE FUCK AELIN. THIS IS AN IMPORTANT MEETINGS THAT’LL DETERMINE IF ROLFE JOINS YOUR WAR EFFORT OR NOT YOU CAN’T JUST - oh forget it, I’ll just sound like a broken record.

[Aelin] just prayed she’d be able to warn Aedion before he ran into his father - who was now sitting two seats down from her, gawking at her as if she had ten heads. Gods, even the expression was like Aedion’s. How hadn’t she noticed that this spring in Wendlyn?

My monkey brain is having feels because I’m sucker for the “child is spitting image of their parent” trope..... bad monkey brain.

“And who would verify the word of a nineteen-year-old princess?” [Aelin] jerked her chin at the wax-sealed tube. “Murtaugh Allsbrook would. He wrote you a nice, long letter about it.” Rolfe picked up the tube, studied it, and chucked it in a neat arc—right into his rubbish bin. The thud echoed through the office.

LMAOOOOOO YOU GO ROLFE!!! SLAY THAT BITCH!!!! I mean considering all the shit Aelin put him through I don’t blame him not wanting to align with her.

Rolfe let out a low laugh. “The talk of young idealists and dreamers.” “The world,” Aelin said, “will be saved and remade by the dreamers, Rolfe.”

See, this is the kind of shit I would be getting excited about if this was a good series. Sounds like something straight of Les Mis. SJM can come up with some good quotes, but if I don’t care about the horrible characters and there’s no plot, why should I give a shit?

Aelin purred, “Do you want gold, Rolfe? Do you want a title? Do you want glory or women or land? Or is it just the bloodlust that drives you?”

Oh my god, SJM is a furry!

Looks like you bid on the wrong horse [Rowan],” Rolfe crooned. He flicked his eyes to Dorian. “What news did you receive?” But that wrong horse [Rowan] cut in smoothly, “There was none. But you’ll be glad to know your spies at the Ocean Rose are certainly doing their job. And that His Majesty is quite an accomplished actor.”

Jesus Christ this writing

Dorian said coldly, “For a petty grudge, you’d refuse to consider allying with us?” Aelin snorted. “I’d hardly call wrecking his shit-poor city and ships a ‘petty grudge.’”

T-this... this can’t be. I am reading Empire of Storms by SJM, right? Aelin? Having self awareness? In my SJM book? Well, it’s more likely... to never appear again.

Rolfe tells Aelin to go fuck herself and that scene ends, permanently establishing Rolfe as one of the few Well Written Characters. I want him, Darrow, Manon, and Gav to leave this shitty series and go forth to a better one.

Aelin hit the narrow hallway, a wall of muscle at her back and by her side, and faced another dilemma: Aedion.

I smell Aedion daddy issues angst over the horizon. Also, are the ‘walls of muscle’ supposed to be Rowan and... the other Fae??? God SJM stop jerking off to your own characters for 5 minutes please.

Aelin made it all of three steps down the hall when Gavriel said behind her, “Where is he?” Slowly, she looked back. The warrior’s tan face was tight, his eyes full of sorrow and steel.

Damn, I just feel really bad for Gav. Keep in mind I don’t remember why he left Aedion (if it was revealed previously) but I’m hoping SJM actually uses him and makes him a good father, this series is severely lacking in good parental figures.

But Aelin sucked on a tooth

“You don’t get to decide when and where and how you meet him,” Aelin said. “He’s my gods-damned son. I think I do.”

Nooo SJM I’m begging you I like Gav please don’t make him a toxic fuckboi pleeeeeease

Aelin just tells Gav not to order her around and that scene ends...? Okay. I hope SJM is implying Gav calmed down and respected his son’s boundaries. I just want one character to stay good and pure and to be a good father is that too much to ask.

Later Aelin goes to have a chat with Dorian.

“It seems you and I are currently without crowns, thanks to a few bullshit pieces of paper.” Dorian didn’t return her smile. The stairs groaned beneath them as they headed for the second floor. They were almost to the room Dorian had indicated when he said, “Maybe that’s a good thing.”

I mean, Dorian, you seem like a good king who would fight to defend his people. You deserve to be king. But Aelin? Yeah if she was queen her kingdom would be already burnt to the ground, so you’re half right.

They have another meeting where Rowan/Dorian share more information about the witches.

“Manon Blackbeak,” Aedion mused, “would be a valuable ally, if we can get her to turn.”

NO NONO NO NO KEEP MANON’S BEAUTIFUL SELF AWAY FROM AELIN’S CRUSTY ASS I’M BEGGING

It was never-ending, [Aelin] supposed while they dined that night on peppered crab and spiced rice.

Reading this as a Cape Bretoner was a mistake. Now I’m hungry for some good seafood..... mmmm, battered fish and chips.....

And [Aelin] was to be given nothing more than obscure commands by long-dead royals to find a way to stop it, nothing more than gods-damned months to rally a force against him.

Gods-damned is a stupid word and SJM should feel bad for abusing it. Aelin decides to make sure Rolfe’s hand maps work and the chapter ends. Next!

Too many animals loitering about the streets at this hour would attract the wrong sort of attention. But Aedion still wished that the shifter was wearing fur or feathers compared to … this.

Greaaat are we gonna get Aedion slut shaming Lysandra? Just what I wanted....

He glanced at the delicate gold chain dangling around Lysandra’s pale throat, tracing its length down the front of her bodice, to where the Amulet of Orynth was now hidden beneath. “Admiring the view?” Aedion snapped his eyes up from the generous swells of her breasts. “Sorry.”

The only reason Lysandra is wearing the Amulet is so Aedion can drool over her boobies. I’m right and you all know it.

“Rowan claimed Rolfe would find the amulet interesting enough to go after it.” “Rowan and Aelin have a tendency to say one thing and mean something else entirely.” Aedion heaved a breath through his nose.

Aedion actually criticizing Aelin?? What the fuck is going on??

Lysandra gets pissy when Aedion points out she’s tired. Not even to condescend towards her, he’s actually concerned, so calm down, Lysandra. We get an ““““explanation”“““ for Lysandra’s shifting powers.

Each shift took something out of Lysandra. The bigger the change, the bigger the animal, the steeper the cost. Aedion had witnessed her morph from butterfly to bumblebee to hummingbird to bat within the span of a few minutes. But going from human to ghost leopard to bear or elk or horse, she’d once demonstrated, took longer between shifts, the magic having to draw up the strength to become that size, to fill the body with all its inherent power.

Better than nothing, but... how does shifting into bigger animals exhaust her but shifting into smaller animals doesn't? Each time the mass of her body is changing, so shouldn’t shifting in general exhaust her? Btw, read Animorphs, it’s a great gritty series that deals with shifting powers way better.

Aedion, however, stiffened slightly as those steps grew closer, and he found himself staring at the son of his great enemy. King, now.

This is confusing as fuck. Stop referring to Dorian as king and use his name so we can understand who Aedion is staring at, thank you.

[Aedion] reined in his scowl as he said to the king, “So, you and Whitethorn didn’t kill each other.” Dorian’s brows scrunched. “He saved my life, nearly got himself burned out to do it. Why should I be anything but grateful?”

Great, now we have to add Rowan splooging that isn’t from Aelin to the list.

He did not resent what she had been, what she portrayed now, only the monsters who had seen the beauty the child would grow into and taken her into that brothel. Aelin had told him what Arobynn had done to the man she’d loved. It was a miracle the shifter could smile at all.

What the fuuuuck why is Aedion portrayed as ~noble and amazing~ for not judging Lysandra based on her past? It’s common human decency to not judge people for things out of their control!! Does SJM not understand how humans operate?

Aedion tells Dorian to fuck off and he leaves, and Lysandra gets understandably irritated by Aedion being a dick.

“He stabbed Aelin. If you knew him as I have, you wouldn’t be so willing to fawn over—”

1. Dorian was, to my memory, being controlled by a demon thing when he stabbed Aelin. He was not in his right mind, and did not have control over himself. Stop holding that over his head, you prick.

2. Aedion you were an asshole too! You tripped Dorian and sent him falling into a thorn bush when you two were walking in HOF. You fucking judgemental asshole, I cannot believe I ever liked you.

Aedion’s like “b-but he was an arrogant kid” and Lysandra, being voice of reason, is like “Um, we all were as kids Aedion, including Aelin” and we litERALLY GET THIS

“I don’t care if he was as arrogant and vain as Aelin, I don’t care if he was enslaved to a demon that took his mind. I look at him and see my family butchered, see those tracks to the river, and hear Quinn tell me that Aelin was drowned and dead.” His breathing was uneven, and his throat burned, but he ignored it.

JESUS TAP DANCING CHRIST. Okay, I’m not saying Aedion isn’t wrong to be weary of Dorian after what happened to his family at the hands of Dorian’s father but this is literally Aedion going “It’s only okay to be a dick if it’s Aelin! Everyone else is a bad ruler and should bow down to her uwu”

FUCKING HELL. I’m willing to bet if it had been Aelin mind controlled, Aedion would be jumping through hoops to justify her actions and convince everyone she couldn’t help herself. Assdion has no character outside of being a dick and kissing up Aelin’s ass. I fucking hat this character almost as much as I hate Aelin.

Aedion braced his palm against the wall again and leaned in to glower in [Lysandra’s] face. She did not yield an inch. “There is an order and rank in our court, lady, and last I checked, you were not number three. You don’t give me commands.”

(...) And the last I checked…” She poked his chest, right between his pectorals, and he could have sworn the tip of a claw pierced the skin beneath his clothes. “You weren’t pathetic enough to enforce rank to hide from being in the wrong.“

*Mortal Kombat voice* FINISH HIM

His blood sparked and thrummed. Aedion found himself taking in the sensuous curves of her mouth, now pressed thin with anger.

W.....

YOU TWO ARE ARGUING AND ASSDION SUDDENLY HAS A BONER OVER HER MOUTH. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS HEALTHY IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM. This is nearly as bad as the “kissing a spouse during an argument instead of solving the problem” trope.

By the way, Aedion is demoted to Assdion. Aelin to Alien, and Rowan to Rowboat. I hate these characters so much.

Lysandra backed away a step, too casual to be anything but a calculated move. But Aedion tried—for her sake, he tried to stop thinking about her mouth—

WHAT THE FUCK DOES SJM THINK ALL MEN ARE HORNDOGS WHO WANNA FUCK 24/7?? This is an incredibly upsetting and inaccurate stereotype! It’s not goddamn hard to not think with your dick for five seconds jfc

Too soon—she wouldn’t want a man’s touch for a long time. Maybe forever. And he’d be damned if he pushed her into it before she wanted to.

Are you sure about that? Because a minute ago you were nearly cumming at the thought of her mouth.

Subject changes and Assdion asks if his father wanted to see him.

“[Gav] nearly bit Aelin’s head off when she refused to tell him where and who you are.” Ice filled [Aedion’s] veins. If his father had been rude to her—“But I got the sense,” Lysandra quickly clarified as he tensed, “that he is the sort of male who would respect your wishes if you chose not to see him.

*sniffles* Gav deserves to be a good father.

“What would you do?” “I can’t answer that question. My own father…” She shook her head. He knew about that—the shifter-father who had either abandoned her mother or not even known she was pregnant. And then the mother who had thrown Lysandra into the street when she discovered her heritage. “Aedion, what do you want to do? Not for us, not for Terrasen, but for you.”

I would be having feels and starting to ship them had we not had a whole scene dedicated to Assdion being a dick and nearly kissing Lysandra without her consent sooooo

[Aedion] bowed his head a bit, glancing sidelong at the quiet street again. “My whole life has been … not about what I want. I don’t know how to choose those things.”

A little late there to make me feel sympathetic towards Assdion, SJM. You CANNOT have Assdion act as an Aelin worshiping prick and then turn around and expect me to feel bad for him.

Assdion asks Lysandra to come with him to meet his father the next day and then splooges about how much he apparently cares about Lysandra.  I don’t care.

From the shadows of his hood, he monitored the alley ahead, the shadows and shafts of moonlight, bracing himself. They’d picked the dead-end alley for a reason. The girl realized her mistake a step too late. “Oh.”

The girl is Rolfe’s barmaid. She immediately leaves and they suspect she’s Rolfe’s spy. Finally, I am free from this god awful chapter.

[nighttimefjaeril]

Shipper manifesto (or "why do I ship Houmei/Jyoan?")

Welcome to rareshipping hell, grab a seat, grab a drink, ‘cause this is gonna be a long one.

So, I’m pretty sure that anyone that has ever the slightest interaction with me, can at least tell two things about me: 1. I’m incredibly, borderline insanely passionate about Saiyuki Ibun 2. I love Jyoan and Houmei the most.

Now, I’m sure that most of you also know that I not only I love them separately, as their own characters, but also together. ‘Cause I ship them, you know. Hard. I’m probably not very subtle bout that, am I? But at the same time, I have to say that, unless I’m in an environment where I know people are gonna be accepting, I don’t feel extremely comfortable talking about it. Why? I’m not sure to be honest. This is not a problematic pairing by any stretch of the imagination, the guys are roughly the same age and there are no signs of dub or non-con in their dynamics. I guess that what it all boils down to is my fear of having people come up and tell me “But WHY?”. Which, to be fair, it isn’t an offensive question at all, per se. It’s probably that people wanna know the reasons behind me shipping these two characters. Gosh, they probably never thought about it, they’re just curious, and understandably so. It’s just that my silly, insecure mind can’t help but perceive this otherwise innocent question as judgemental. As in like “How can you ship these two as they barely interacted in the first volume??” , “How can you ship them when you should ship Koumyou with Ukoku (I do) and in his Houmei-form with Toudai (I also do, I’m a shameless multishipper) and Jyoan has Ganpuku (I…sort of do?) as his go-to shipping partner!”. Again, I’m not saying that these are necessarily the other person’s thoughts behind the question, it’s just how my mind perceives it most of the time, and I feel like I have to justify myself for liking it, in a way. Well, today I thought I try and leave my insecurities behind and explain once and for all why not only I ship Houmei and Jyoan, but it’s also probably my OTP. For now. Until Minekura gives us more Ibun and you know, things may change…

Why do you ship Houmei/Jyoan?

There are many ways I could start this… it’s a combination of things really. The easiest way to put it is this: I’m in love with the potential dynamics of their relantionship, based on the chemistry of their personalities… which is definitely the most developed thing about Ibun characters so far. Not the estabilished history with each other, as there is very little of it at this point as the story has just began; not their backround, which is hinted at best, and not their motivations, which in most cases are still pretty murky. But their personalities, their well-roundness… for characters that have only appeared in one volume, they’re all incredibly developed. This is one of Minekura’s greatest strengths: being able to create intriguing and memorable characters within their first apperance. Of course there is room for further development for all Ibun characters (including Houmei, we may have seen more of him compared to but we still know so little about it) but as far as the core of their personalities goes they’re incredibly well-constructed and adaptable for many, many scenarios.

We know that Jyoan is a proud, ambitious, tsundere-like character that wants to be at the center of attention at all costs; we know that Houmei is a free-spirited, kind but sneaky, incredibly gifted boy that succeeds in everything he does with very little effort. With these canon elements in mind, I think it’s only natural to imagine a scenario where Jyoan, who is probably one of the most driven candidates, would feel nothing but a devouring envy towards Houmei, who pretty much surpasses him in everything (hell Minekura even pointed out that Jyoan is one of the best with spells… only second to Houmei :’D) without even trying. We haven’t seen this yet, true, but to me it’s just a natural progression of the premise we’re given with these two. Actually, we have proof  that Jyoan is well aware of Houmei’s incredible talent, as he has shown towards the end (he basically wants him out because he knows he’s the biggest threat, and goes as far as to saying that “Whatever they test they put him through, Houmei will manage”. He states that in front of everyone too, and guys, this is Jyoan we’re talking about, someone who would put anyone down in favor of himself at any chance!). So, knowing Jyoan’s pettiness and… not-so-understated personality, I can’t expect nothing but obsessive jealousy towards Houmei. And once the object of his obsession realizes that, after wondering for quite some time why does that purple-haired weirdo keep looking at him like he wants to put a hex on him, wouldn’t you think that Houmei wouldn’t pass the chance to take this to his advantage, or at least have some fun with it at Jyoan’s expenses? 'Cause let’s face it, Jyoan is lthe perfect victim for Houmei’s trolling, more than anyone else; he’s touchy, petty, resentful and while I wouldn’t call him dumb nor exactly naive, I think… he would fall for it? :’D At the beginning at least; I stongly believe that at some point he would be able to tell that Houmei is full of shit, and why you ask? Easy: because Jyoan hides his true personality behind a mask as well. A narcissistic and self-confident façade that hides his insecurities and weaknesses, just like Houmei hides his real nature behind his ditzy and goofy persona. I think that, once they get to know each other a little bit more, it would be pretty apparent to both, and the discovery would lead to some tense and perhaps dramatic moments between them (you know, like “Bitch you fake” “LOL bitch look who’s talking” xD).

So yeah. We have Jyoan’s obsessive jealousy towards Houmei, and Houmei taking advantage of that for his own enjyoment. They both may be calling each other fake at some point and may get into a twink fight. So where does romance come to play in all this?

To be fair, I’m not even sure if I ship this romantically or not. I mean, I do I guess, but not in a “and they lived happily ever after” kind of way (do I ever lol). I will say this: I definitely believe that,given the premises aforementioned, I don’t think it’s hard at all to imagine some romantic/sexual tension building between them as a natural progession. Because you see, obsessiveness can lead to attraction pretty easily, in a “love-hate” kind of way. Isn’t “being attracted to your rival” one of the tropes as old as time (from Jyoan’s pov that is)? Besides, it may be a pretty weak point to make, but Jyoan is obsessed with beauty, too, and well, is there anyone more beautiful than Houmei around the temple (beside Jyoan himself, of course, of course! :’D )? Let’s be honest, Jyoan is a bit shallow that way, he would be attracted to the prettiest person… second to him :p I do however believe that his attraction wouldn’t be limited to that: it’d be a mix of awe and jealousy towards Houmei’s talent, his intelligence, his popularity, his good looks… would Jyoan ever admit that? No, but deep down, would he want to (get) hit (by) that? Probably.

This took only Jyoan’s side into consideration, so what about Houmei? Why would he be attracted to Jyoan?

First of all, I would like to make a point about Koumyou that comprises every other ship revolving around him: usually, it’s pretty easy to tell how the other person involved feels about Koumyou. But how about him? Do we really know how he truly feels about Ukoku, Goudai or whomever? We can imagine that he cares about them, sure, but does he really show it? I think not, at least not to the extent that the other person does. That’s because Koumyou is an incredibly aloof, distant person, with a very complex and detatched attitude towards life itself. His Houmei-form isn’t that much different, quite the contrary: he may hide it more behind his goofball façade, but his thoughts and attitude aren’t less enigmatic than his more mature self.

Having said that… based on what was said earlier, I think that Houmei wouldn’t think much of Jyoan at first. The “rival” narrative doesn’t really hold up for him. He would definitely find Jyoan odd (which he is), maybe irritating even, and perhaps him and Toudai would make fun of him a little, 'cause remember, Toudai doesn’t like Jyoan and viceversa (they would never bully him of course, but maybe commenting something along the lines of “Oh that weirdo is making a fuss again, how did he even end up here?”). But after playing some practical jokes on him and getting to know him better, I feel he would warm up to Jyoan quite a bit. He would find his tsundere-ness and over-the-top-ness pretty endearing, probably because it would make him laugh. He would have fun around Jyoan, in a way or another. They’re both pretty strange, “extra ” kind of people, not in the same way of course, but they do share some similarities and who knows, they may discover they have more stuff in common than they think (like c'mon, like they wouldn’t love spending their evenings with clad in robes, face masks on, catching up with some ridiculous gayass program that only them would be into :’D). Also, I feel that Houmei would be able to pick up on Jyoan’s attraction (or well, weird mix of contrasting feelings and “I-it’s not like I like you or anything, b-baka”) towards him pretty soon, and would he go for it? Sure, why not? I feel that Houmei would be…adventurous that way and would basically go with the flow, it the premises are right. Knowing him, he would definitely take pleasure in teasing Jyoan and well, basically play with him a bit, unless… things turn into a nuisance. If it takes too much effort, Houmei is likely to lose interest fast, leading both parties to frustration and unresolved sexual tension. Which, I don’t know about you, I’m all for. (Also, I have no problem picturing Houmei finding Jyoan attractive, he’s a pretty boy, just like he is. Unless he’s solely into big, masculine dudes, which I think not *cough*Ukoku*cough*, I think that there are good chances that he would find him fuckable. I don’t think he would have a “type” anyways).

Ok, now that we’ve roughly estabilished how their dynamics and chemistry work, what’s next? Would they fuck? If yes how?  Would it be hot or not (Hell yeah it would!)?

And then what?

Alright, let’s talk about sex. I don’t know about you, but the temple of hot dudes in fundoshi scenario just works for me. Much like prison, the military etc., it’s one of those things where sexual frustation may lead even the straightest man to… exploration (I don’t think it’s Houmei and Jyoan’s case, BUT). Without elaborating too much on it, I think that, if these two would reciprocate attraction, it’s most likely that they would end up doing it. Why wouldn’t they? They’re young  men in their prime and probably suffering from the worst case of blue balls ('cause you know, forced celibacy), it’s only natural that they would find a way to release some tension. I have a thing for Koumyou as a top in general, and with Jyoan, well… Jyoan definitely strikes me as a bottom. I’m not saying he wouldn’t top like ever, but… yeah, it’d be definitely a very rare occurance. Ok, one could argue “the feminine one as the bottom cliché”, but actually, I don’t think it’s quite the case with these two: in fact, they’re both pretty feminine dudes. Dare I say that, between the two, Houmei could be actually the most feminine? Appearance-wise Jyoan has a more androgynous look, but who speaks like a schoolgirl and uses “watashi” between the two? Minekura mentions that Jyoan can be surprisingly masculine at times, and I can honestly see that, as in his demenor is definitely more aggressive and imposing. Despite all that, Jyoan in my eyes would still be the world’s biggest bottom, and a very submissive one at that. Me and others have often referred to him as a “pillow queen”, too, which I think it’s very fitting: Jyoan makes you work for it, only then he would reciprocate…maybe (I headcanon him to be pretty skilled at oral though, blame it on the illustration where he’s licking a lollipop: goddammit Minekura, be a little bit more subtle about it :’D). But all the attention must be on him, all the time. As for Houmei… he would be happy to oblige :D He’s the most adaptable and creative of the two, and he would get a kick out of dominating Jyoan, for sure; no matter the position or role, he’d be the one in control all the time. And Jyoan would be totally ok with it, whether he admits it or not. Also, I could picture them being into some light kink stuff, nothing too extreme, but you know for sure that ropes would be heavily involved (well guys, Koumyou would have had to practice on someone before going all out on Ukoku, wouldn’t he? ;) ). To put it shortly, I think that they would have very good sexual chemistry. Would that reduce their relantionship to the one of two fuckbuddies? Eh, don’t think so. Perhaps it could start that way, you know, once they overcome all the confusing feelings and tension (which may take a while lol). But I do believe that they would definitely manage to estabilish some form of emotional connection and bond, once they get to know each other better. And since we know that they’ll spend at least two years together living under the same roof, I’d say that there is more than enough time for that.

Having said that… do I think that their relantionship is meant to last forever? Probably not.

…

“BUT YOU SAID IT’S YOUR OTP AND YOU DEDICATED THIS UNREASONABLY LONG POST TO THEM AND-” Ok, ok, I know, but hear me out. Not all otps are meant for an happy ending. Some of us prefer some… contrasting and unbalanced dynamics that would lead to drama. Tormented lovestories. Awful people doing awful stuff and making each other suffer. Perhaps it’s one person loving the other more and receiving less in return? Perhaps it’s a crippling inferiority complex leading them to believe that? Or perhaps it’s simply a matter of incompatibility, despite all the love and the good that it’s there? Or it could be also for reasons that go beyond their will. Or it could also be just that Jyoan is an egoistic and childish piece of shit and Houmei is a manipulative insincere bastard, you know. I do sense a certain degree of dysfunctionality between them, of the kind where being together doesn’t bring up the best but the worst in them. I’m not saying that there is no other way to interpret their relationship, and I’d be lying if I said that I wouldn’t dream of a universe where Houmei and Jyoan would grow to become just like the guys from Vicious (if you have never seen it, look it up and tell me that Sir Ian McKellen and Derek Jacobi’s characters aren’t Jyoan and Houmei respectively in their sixties :'3 ). But I do believe that, in a way or another, their relantionship is probably not going to be a long-lasting one. Probably too much drama. Too much instability. Lack of trust and fear of committment could play a role in it, too (no I’m not blaming everything on Houmei, like can you imagine how it must be being around a perpetually pissed primadonna for a long period of time? Yeah, can’t really blame him). Even with this conviction in mind, do I still love it and ship it to death? Heck yeah. If anything, this only reinforces my devotion, as it’s said that the most beautiful things are meant to be short-lived…you know, like a butterfly (insert JYOAN IS GONNA DIE IN IBUN!!!! conspiracy theory).

I think that I covered everything. I guess I could get into the whole symbolism topic, bringing up the fact Houmei being very often surrounded by butterflies in Ibun illustrations, including a black one, and well, Jyoan has been associated with both butterflies and the color black (the black kitsune mask illustration and his “mundane” clothes are always monochromatic, too); I could also point out that butterflies are attracted to light  (Houmei = light ; Jyoan = buttefly), until they burn themselves to death; I could bring up the fact that their birthdays’ numbers are basically flipped (Houmei -> 29/08; Jyoan -> 28/09 = 29/08 28/09) and more. The thing is, I don’t think I necessarily need to bring any evidence to the table in order to make this pairing acceptable. Or any other pairing, for what it’s worth. 'Cause at the end of the day, it’s all a matter of taste. My reasons for shipping a pairing are personal and legitimate, and don’t require any justification for that. I wrote this so-called manifesto mostly for myself, as a way to rationalize why I like Houmei/Jyoan so much. If, at the same time, this can help others understand my fascination behind it, and who knows, maybe appeal some into learning more about it, then even better. I’m not trying to convince anyone to ship them or that they’re canon, not at all; I just want to prove that it’s totally ok shipping two characters just based on potential and personal, subjective feelings, and that rarepairs aren’t less “legit” than more universally accepted ships, canon or not. If you look deep enough into the characters and use your own imagination as a way of filling the gaps left empty by canon, anything it’s possible. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

So… could all this gigantic amount of text be summed-up as: “I ship it because I like it”? Well, yes. I’m very sorry.

[mallorytaylorblog]

28th November 2019

Fuck it, that 28 blog posts in 28 days shit was a bust. I felt super shitty about it for a while, but ah fuck it. That challenge was just for me.

A lot of what stops me from doing anything let alone sharing shit on social media is fear. Mostly a fear of being judge. It’s a fucking universal problem. I judge myself and others, hard. I’m working on kicking that habit (and I laughed today about it because ironically I wrote a fucking blog post about letting go of judgement. Clearly a sore spot for me still).

Let me give you a life update.

I’m three weeks into my new job. I’m a retail store manager and the brand I work for is pretty amazing so far - I’ve already met the CEO, GM and state manager and the GM is local to my store. In my first week I received a thank you package for Christmas (all the store managers got one) and I was so fucking thrilled to be included that the gesture made me tear up a bit. The Christmas party happened that same week and that’s where I met the big dogs. I feel super supported by my manager and the girls I am managing and working with are all just fucking excellent. I’m on a maternity leave contract so I’m only babysitting as far as I’m concerned, but I am feeling more and more comfortable with my new team and employer each day. A big learning curve for me that’s been made apparent straight off the bat is that I need to learn how to flex my “no muscle”. Bending over backwards to please the customer was how we did things at my old employer and my new one is super firm about their policies, including no refunds. Today I spoke to a customer on the phone who asked me to do something that, at my previous job, would have been a no-brainer “yes of course”. I reflexively agreed to my customer’s request today but found myself this afternoon, whilst hanging the washing out on the line, rehearsing how I would have said no to her (which I really should have done). It was an uncomfortable exercise so I know this will take some practice.

Now that I’m a bit more settled into my work routine I’m managing my time to fit in gym (AM) and study (PM), as well as making time for my relationship. I’m pretty blessed and extremely grateful that I live with my partner, but that can sometimes mean I take proximity for granted and neglect putting time aside just for the two of us. I feel like the past few months have been turbulent in that we’ve both had so much going on and lots of disruptions to our respective routines, living and working situations, and study commitments. Balance in all areas has been difficult to manage, but we’re making it work. Gym is one thing I’ll struggle to ever give up as exercising is such a massive part of managing my good mental (and obviously physical) health. Sleep on the other hand - also incredibly high on my priority list. Just like so many people I know I wake up at 5 or 6am and don’t get home until 6pm. There’s meal prep involved and never enough hours in the day. Sometimes I’m too tired at the end of the day to study - who’s genius idea was it to do two summer subjects? But again, we make it work.

Two things I’ve been trying to focus on include how judgemental I am and increasing my self worth. I laughed at something else today which was my post on manifestation. I wholeheartedly stand by what I wrote in that post, I think they’re excellent keys to manifesting, but it’s become crystal clear to me lately that manifestation has less to do with visualising and being positive and more to do with self worth. I judge myself on the stories I tell myself about certain things. For example, money - I really struggle to ask for money when I need it. My mum once said to me (and I’ll preface this by saying I’m the youngest of five kids) that I’m the only one in our family who has never asked her for money. I have no idea why but I feel proud about it - I’ve always been resourceful and as far as I’m concerned money comes and goes. You spend some now, you get some more later. When I completed my full time acting course in 2015 my time to get a decent to high paying job that would work around my study hours ran out and I ended up stripping for the entire time I was at that school. Plus a bit more (fuck it, I enjoyed it). I had to work for my money and my income was never guaranteed, but I always made it work.

Another story I tell myself about money is that it’s shameful to ask for it. When I think about my parents and how they talked and argued about money when I was little I can see where I inherited my money story. When I was younger my parents always had enough to take my older brother and I on weekends away a few times a year but as I got older eventually money got tighter and the arguments became more frequent. I remember waking up in the middle of the night to hear my parents in the kitchen arguing about the fact that my dad was working 16 hours a day to support the family, and that mum was upset he was never home to help out around the house. Living beyond your means wasn’t uncommon in my family. And until 2016 I lived the same way. But I never asked for money - I was too ashamed to be seen like I couldn’t manage my finances. So I did what my dad did and I worked hard for it. But it’s a story I want to change, I want to rewrite my money story. I want to feel worthy of the money that I’m making (and I do right now, which is amazing), but I always want to feel worthy of the money I want to make. I want to empower myself, to value myself to attract the money I am worthy of.

And that’s the next hurdle, the self worth shit. It’s not shit, sorry I shouldn’t say that. Classic sailor mouth over here. The shame I feel around asking for money directly comes down to how worthy I feel receiving it. Borrowing money makes me feel dirty. I hate owing people. The dumb thing is though is that I’ve always paid my debts - I am currently debt free. I’m 30 and have zero debt. I mean, I used to have debt when I was much more fiscally irresponsible but I paid off every cent of it and the only thing I’m paying off right now is... well nothing actually. Not my phone, not my car. And I honestly don’t know many people who are in the same boat. I feel super privileged to be in the position I am right now - I’m saving with my partner to eventually buy somewhere, and although we’re years away from that we have our sights set on that goal. But there’s this glass ceiling that stopping me from earning more than a certain amount and I’m determined to bust through it by taking a stone cold look at my money story and calling “bullshit” on myself. Like, it’s bullshit that it’s shameful to ask for money. I literally ask people for money every single day working in a retail shop - the kicker is I’m providing value in the clothes I’m selling. So when I feel shameful about asking for money for myself, I’m telling the universe that I don’t value myself. Hence my desire to improve my self worth.

I say to myself that I have talents and I provide value to my community, but I am so wishy washy and uncertain about HOW I provide value, and WHAT my talents are. I dream of the day that I can monetise my talents so that I can feel like I’m not working because I LOVE what I do, but I am not certain on what my talents are and where my value lies. It’s because of this wishy washy-ness and this lack of certainty that I’m not living my best life. I have no clue what I want to do, and I don’t feel worthy enough to dive into exploring the things I enjoy - what if I’m not good enough? What if I get judged? What if people laugh at me? What if - what if - what if???? It’s this story of not being perfect at it straight away so why should I even bother? It’s the story of “X amount of people are already doing what you’re doing” so I panic and get disheartened because I’m not reinventing the wheel. There are so many stories and fears that are stopping me from exploring and actively making steps towards living that best life and busting through that glass ceiling.

I have so many friends who are doing exactly what they want to do in the world, and they’re great at it and are remunerated accordingly. They provide excellent value to their communities and are consistent with their approach. The judgement, the judgement is what kills me - the comparing myself to others has got to stop. I see people kicking goals and instead of cheering them on I get jealous and try to ignore it. Or I congratulate them and feel the sting of jealousy anyway. I feel the fear and put them on a pedestal and tell myself it had nothing to do with hard work, but that they were fortunate or lucky. What a fucking load of shit. I’m sorry to any of my friends who are reading this and thinking it’s probably about you - it is, and I’m sorry to admit I’m jealous and have judged you that way. Please know it is one hundred per cent a projection of my own lack of self worth. You’re killing it and I’m... well, I’m trying not to be such a petty bitch.

I know that when I feel worthy of receiving large sums of money and am crystal clear on how I’m going to provide value to the world (and actually start providing that value) I will bust through that glass ceiling. But I have to start calling “bullshit” on myself - I have to be more aware of the stories I tell myself about my worth. And I especially have to stop comparing and judging myself and others. It’s such a shitty habit, and one I too often don’t have the awareness to pull myself up on. Time to practice, practice, practice. I’ll keep you updated on how I go, hopefully I can manifest some cool shit into my life. Actually fuck it, I’m gunna manifest some cool shit. Wish me luck (and worthiness!).