#I am an evil dictator of taste

[terrainofheartfelt]

Gossip Girl Playlists: Theatre Kid AU edition! —Nate’s

[Blair's] [Dan's] [Serena's]

I don’t even remember exactly how this started, but it’s @strideofpride’s fault. 

The concept began as: if they were in this world, what would be in the GG mains’ MT books? What would be their go-to song? Their 16 bar cut? And then, I got on spotify, and got wayyyy too carried away (typical me), and it sort of morphed into: what are the NJBC’s (plus Daniel’s) senior musical theatre recital programs? And now I have this: a quartet of playlists of repertoire handpicked by me for these fake people, and I am very proud of them. 

All selections based on my very particular taste, honed from a childhood in community theater, an adolescence in high school musicals, and a 4 year degree from a majority musical theatre school

And, as in the tradition of Glee and all plays within a play, the rep reflects something profoundly personal about the character, because you know I love a theme. 

the meta:

Okay so Nate’s was realllllyyyyy hard to pin down, which makes sense because he as a character is hard to pin down, bc the show really only treated him like a whole-ass person for like 2 seasons. But, the beauty of men in musical theatre is they have much more license to just….do whatever the fuck they want—as opposed to women who get put into teeny tiny uncastable little boxes (but that’s a rant for another day). 

The point is, Nate’s type: because of his looks and talent, people try to put him in the romantic leading man box, but he finds that sooooooo boooooooring. He does play some himbos (bc, why not play to your strengths?) but he gravitates to roles that are more of a stretch. The fun roles, the character roles. The ones that less enlightened folk would say he’s “too pretty to play.” He likes to go for the laugh! He doesn’t want to be Billy Bigelow, he wants to be the Emcee! (I also see him having a great run being one of Les Amis in Les Mis in his 20s; and as the hot boy in Mamma Mia.)

His range is—and I hate that I’m saying this but it really is applicable to men in MT–bari-tenor. He can get up there when he wants to, but doesn’t necessarily want to live in the land of the high belt. He has a great low range that makes him prime golden age hunk material, but again, not really his thing. Also, theatrekid!Nate is a DANCER. He’s good on his feet and he knows it!

References: Hugh Jackman, Jonathan Groff, Derek Klena, Killian Donnely, Matthew Morrison (but like, with a better personality); and a kid in my voice studio who I’ll call Bobby, who had the rich low range of a deep voiced angel but could dance his lil heart out. 

the tracklist:

The Streets of Dublin — A Man of No Importance

A story about an Oscar Wilde stan who’s trying his darnedest to put on Salome with his community theater group. He tries to convince his hunky buddy Robbie to join in, but it’s not really Robbie’s thing. 

I’m Not That Smart — The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee

A zany raunchy comedy where grown ass adults play 12 year olds battling to the bitter end for a spot in the national spelling bee. 

Leaf, a homeschool kid, is endearing, if easily distracted.

Joey, Joey, Joey — The Most Happy Fella

I’ll be honest, I just like this one because when sung right, it’s soooooo hot. 

A traveling farmhand (can you guess his name?) explains why he never stays too long in one place. There’s lots of plot happening around him, but his only job as a character is to be sexy and cause problems. 

Try to Remember — The Fantasticks

It’s the world’s longest running musical ever, so it must be doing something right! It’s an inverse Romeo and Juliet. Two fathers pretend to feud for years, to reverse psychology their children into falling in love. There’s also this spanish bandit? Idk. the fathers go a bit overboard with the plot and some strife happens, but there’s a happy ending!

This is the show opener, sung by the narrator/Spaniard-ex-machina El Gallo

Brush up Your Shakespeare (duet w/ Dan) — Kiss Me, Kate

A musical version of Taming with the Shrew is trying to get off the ground. There’s mobsters and divorced exes with sexual tension and lots of nonsense. And this bop. 

Agony (duet w/ Dan) — Into the Woods 

The only good thing that movie version gave me was Chris Pine tearing his shirt open. Ok, whore. 

Two princes, one in love with Cinderella and one in love with Rapunzel, commiserate on their love lives. I’d call them himbos, but they don’t respect women enough. They’re kinda just sluts. 

I’d Rather Be Sailing — A New Brain

See title for why I picked it. 

The show was written from the composer’s experience when he was diagnosed and treated for an AVM. this song is actually sung by the main character’s boyfriend, so it nautical AND gay!

The Song that Goes Like This (duet w/ Serena) — Spamalot

I can so see Serena and Nate just enjoying being little freaks on stage together, they feed off each other and are big hams. 

Sir Gahalad and the Lady of the Lake tick off the box of the broadway love ballad. And they break some glass. 

I Am Aldopho — The Drowsy Chaperone

Severely underrated musical. This and Curtains are both wild, gershwin-y sounding romps where I don’t really remember the plot, but I remember not being able to breathe for laughing. This show is about a grand 20s wedding, but there’s hijinks afoot, and the bride’s chaperone is drowsy because she’s drunk, and for some reason the Spaniard-ex-machina, Aldolfo, tries to seduce her with this song. I can’t not picture this scene without a cape. 

I Don’t Care Much — Cabaret

I just think. Nate would be such a good MC. I want that for him. I really do. 

MC sings this song as narration, when singer Sally fights with her lover Cliff. Lots of shit is going on, but it’s really about the desperation and precipice and uncertainty that the MC and the Kit Kat Clubbers are living in in jazz age berlin.  

You’ve Got to Be Carefully Taught — South Pacific

MT guys get cast in this role if they look good shirtless, so. And it’s a better song than Younger than Springtime, like, yeesh. (this is the soldier set. I think Nate could also play that Miss Saigon guy, I don’t know the whole show well but I tried to listen to the guys big solo and I could not. anyway.)

Even though he’s in love, Lt. Cable’s deeply entrenched racism causes him to be a total jerk to his wartime love, Liat. Nellie’s same deeply entrenched racism ends her relationship with hot french dilf, Emile, when Emile seeks out advice, this song is Cable’s answer. 

Come Back — Dogfight

Everybody was losing their minds over DEH but the real Pasek and Paul opus is this musical. It only ran off broadway but the feelings! And the songs! 

In SF, a young GI meets and falls for a girl the day before he ships out to Vietnam, also the day before JFK’s assassination. This is the eleven o’clock number. He’s returning home, haunted, and broken, a marked contrast to the kid who left. 

Make ‘Em Laugh — Singin’ in the Rain

A classic! Nate the actor would always be going for the bits 

I Can’t Be Bothered Now — Crazy for You

a role for a DANCER. Bobby is a blue-blood banker’s son who just wants to dance. His mission takes him to a small cow town out west where he puts on a show. Gershwinian nonsense like that. It is very cute, though. 

Moon-faced, Starry-eyed (duet w/ Serena) — Street Scene

Street Scene is technically an opera, but it’s a big extravagant blending of musical styles, from romantic 1900s opera to 1940s jazz. Guess which end of the spectrum this one’s on. It’s the comedic dance break before shit hits the fan in this New York apartment building. I can so see besties Serena and Nate being complete hams in this number.

Mae, a tenant of the building, comes back from a night out with her boyfriend, Dick. They are drunk and they are dancing!

Soul of a Man — Kinky Boots

Nate wearing those shoes. Send post. 

Charlie makes the bold—but sound! —business decision to redirect the family shoe factory to produce shoes designed and marketed towards drag queens. When Charlie snaps from the pressure of running the business, he ponders his family legacy and “what does it mean to be a Man”? Nathaniel-coded!

Not the Boy Next Door — Boy from Oz

I just think….theatre kid!Nate is soooo gay. And being in the “gay by may” MT major world, he grows into himself in a marvelous way. 

Aussie musical legend Peter Allen returns to Australia after his separation from Liza Minelli, and realizes he’s grown out of the place. Also he’s so very Not-Straight.

[slavghoul]

Interview from Sweden Rock Magazine 6/2023

In which Tobias talks about Phantomime, his inner little evil dictator, and why he'll never be like Bruce Springsteen, among other things.

You've just released another cover EP. I always thought that Ghost would be like Metallica and become known for picking up lesser-known songs, making them their own, and playing one or two covers at every show. You were on your way to that with first The Beatles' "Here Comes the Sun" and then with Roky Erickson's "If You Have Ghosts." After that, you released a bunch of covers, but in recent years, you've almost only played "Enter Sandman" live.

In the beginning, and especially up until 2015, the choice to play covers was not in exchange for original songs, but it was because we simply needed songs to play live. We played 'Here Comes the Sun' to fill out our set. We only had one album, and it was only 30 minutes long or something.

But "Here Comes the Sun" must have given you a taste for it since it worked so fantastically well live.

Yes, absolutely. We actually plan to play it again at some point because I think we can do a really great version of it now that our lineup better matches the sound of the song. The last time we played it was so long ago that we still used a lot of backing tracks and stuff. I think we can play it better now. But did you imagine that we would do covers of Saint Vitus, Trouble, and Coven?

No. Unlike Metallica, you didn't start with hard rock covers...

No, no.

...but with "Here Comes the Sun" and then "If You Have Ghosts," which became a big song in its own way, but "Enter Sandman" is a completely different type of cover.

Exactly, it has a completely different purpose. I think it's a good song, and it became a fun thing. There was clarity in why we played it and what was important about it. We don't do it anymore, not because we don't believe in the purpose, but it had its time. Now, "Jesus He Knows Me" is the most fun to incorporate because now we've embraced it as our own song. I feel like I have so much else, and I don't want to be... I mean, some people think it's a lot of fun, and Bruce Springsteen does a lot of covers at the end of a concert. A lot of cool rock 'n' roll classics. People enjoy it, and it's great. Disturbed also does that and plays "Highway to Hell" and "Run to the Hills" or whatever they do. It's a fun way to end a concert, but I don't know, I have a fondness for dramaturgy. That's why I could never do a Bruce Springsteen. I can't go on stage and just say, "Hey, what do you want to hear?" and then improvise. It's a show, and everything fits together tightly. I've been sitting here with our lighting technician for five days. We sit all day and just program lights based on the smallest damn beat so that it fits and so that we know that the guitarist will come out and switch to that guitar for the next song. It's this song, and he will come out there, and then we have to change these lights in the dark so that it's red on him there. Then it's not possible to have a "cover hour" at the end where we just turn on the lights and play Judas Priest. But if we do a Judas Priest cover at some point that feels really relevant and we can do it really well, then I have no problem arranging the lights and incorporating it into the context. Metallica is much more rock 'n' roll, they are much more "loose" than what we are... than I am. They have the ability to just go out and more or less turn on the lights in the room and play "Am I evil?", "Whiskey in a jar," "Blitzkrieg," and "Breadfan," and the happiest of all is me. I love when that happens, but I don't want to do it with Ghost. But sure, if in 30 years we have recorded a bunch of fun covers, maybe it could be a fun thing to do a tour with just a bunch of that.

How funny that you say "if we have recorded a bunch of fun covers." Ghost has already recorded a bunch of covers, so aren't they fun?

Haha! Yeah, yeah, but we're still building, of course. We're talking a lot about this, me and my agents and management. When is the time to do things? When should we take advantage? What is a "downplay" for us today? A "downplay" is very clear if you're Metallica. Everyone knows that when they come and perform, it's at least at the Globe Arena, sold out for at least two nights without any problem, and at their biggest, it's now two nights at Ullevi. For them, a clear "downplay" would be if they come and play at Göta Lejon again. There's a clarity there, and it's something they can indulge in.

Explain it so that people understand. What is a "downplay"?

A "downplay" is when a big band plays at a small venue. Like the Rolling Stones when they played at Circus. It's a clear "downplay," and there's a clarity there where you know that "now when I go and see the Rolling Stones at Circus, they won't have their big stage, they won't do this, and they'll just come up and play a bunch of really obscure stuff." Then there's a clarity. It's not something for everyone who just wants to hear the big hits.

And are there plans to do this?

If everything goes as planned and if there's still an interest in it in the future, I would think it would be really fun to intentionally and clearly reshape the show. To do something different on the side that isn't meant for these bigger things that we're currently trying to find our "pacing" in.

The first time I interviewed you was in 2011 at a sushi place in Stockholm.

Was it that long ago?

Yes, we met at the central station in Stockholm, and you had just had your first meeting with Nicholas Johansson at Universal, so this was before he signed you.

Okay, so it was the same day then? Oh, damn.

It became a full page in Expressen, and you said that you want to take Ghost to where Rammstein is. Now you've said the same thing again, but Rammstein no longer plays at the Globe Arena and instead does three nights at Ullevi. It feels like you're constantly shaping Ghost based on Rammstein. What will you do when you've reached three nights at Ullevi?

I hope one never becomes completely satisfied. The perfectionist in me is frustrated every day on tour when things don't turn out as good as I had envisioned. But I also have a cutoff point... There's a point every day when I try to see the glass as half full when it comes to perfection before the concert, and I know something is wrong. If I know that a spotlight operator doesn't seem to understand the show, it's an irritation that might continue during the concert because someone keeps missing their cues, that is, what they're supposed to do. You can tell they don't know the show. It's super annoying. It's the kind of thing that both I and everyone on stage feel, and we're all aware of it. Everyone has been made aware of what we're trying to achieve. We've arranged the whole show based on the idea that "when you come up those stairs, you will be visible, and then you will see what you're doing because a light will shine on you." If that doesn't happen, there's a risk that the person simply won't see what they're doing and will fall off. It happens. There's a lot of that kind of thing that's highly orchestrated with very narrow margins, and it has to be right. But I usually reach a point where it's like, "Now the concert is over. Everyone did their best, even that idiot up there who missed all their cues. Everyone did their best, and the audience doesn't seem to have left and demanded their money back, so you have to see it as a damn good result." That's how I try to approach it every day because, in the end, "no matter what, this is so much cooler than working a regular job," haha! I'm where I want to be, doing what I want to do. Then I have this little circus director Nazi inside me as well, screaming and wanting things to be a certain way. But I also laugh easily, so it's about constantly trying to balance everything and see it as always moving forward. But it also means that I know that even the day when or if we stand there at Ullevi and do a concert ourselves, it won't be exactly as I imagined. Something new will happen, and if we have the show I want, it will rain like hell or something. That's always how it is. Metallica's Lars also told me that when we were on tour together: "It's incredible. Even at our level, there are still things that happen that make us go, 'Damn, we're not quite there yet!'" But that's the thing. I don't think pirates become pirates just to come home and sit with the treasure. It was the piracy itself that was quite fun.

Now I'm going to say something provocative. This is Ghost's worst cover so far. I don't even like the original.

Which one?

"Phantom of the Opera."

Okay, haha!

Yeah, I got the laugh I wanted to be able to print, haha!

Well, haha! Don't you like the album or the song?

I'm not a big Iron Maiden fan, and I don't consider the Paul Di'Anno era sacred.

I love Iron Maiden and think the first two albums are really cool, but they got their act together when Bruce Dickinson joined. It was with "The Number of the Beast" that they became an arena band and started sounding really damn good. I know it's like swearing in church. It made me feel a bit inspired and made me think that if I were to do something with Iron Maiden, it damn well had to be something from those first albums. They have two albums with really proggy stuff and quirky arrangements, and you can really tell they had a bit of time and that they were low-budget recordings. That gets me going. Paul Di'Anno sings, and I love Paul Di'Anno. He's really cool, has a great voice, and sings with a lot of sloppiness. He soars and flies melodically - just the fact that "I know I'll do that in a different way." I've always liked "Phantom of the Opera," but for a long time in my life, before I really figured out how to count, I didn't quite understand how to play the intro. Not tonally, but I didn't get how to count in the intro. That was such a thing that one day when I suddenly figured it out, I thought, "Damn, I want to play this song someday." You miss it because on the album, you don't hear how great the intro is.

Is it you playing?

Yes, although Fredrik "Kulle" Åkesson (Opeth) is also playing. But I recorded all the demos, I play bass on the record, and I recorded all the guitars first.

Did Kulle do all the guitar solos on the EP?

Well, mostly, with one exception.

It's a very shreddy EP with a lot of flashy guitar solos.

Yes, exactly, there are quite a lot of guitar solos. Generally, this is how it works when we work: I compose the solos. When I write solos, it's not just a bunch of bends, but it's a melody. I'm very influenced by Kirk Hammett, especially how he played on "Ride the Lightning," "Master of Puppets," "...And Justice for All," and even on the black album. Every time he plays solos, they are melodies. He comes into the song and more or less plays another song within the song, and it's very hummable. It's not incredibly difficult stuff, and that's roughly my school of soloism. I like to compose the solos so that they turn out the way I want, but I myself am not a great shredder. There are a lot of tricks in the studio where I sit and play something over and over again, and then you can cut it in. And then you can slow down the speed, and then I can record it and make it perfect. But the result is that when I say, "It should go like this," Kulle listens to it and says, "Yeah, I can do that part a bit differently. Then I can do it this way to make it even faster." He plays solos from start to finish with his highly trained fingers. He has that whole thing in his DNA, while I'm more of a songwriter and composer.

But you play a solo on the EP, right?

I don't know if we kept it. I don't fucking know because we changed a lot of things.

Because you said that Kulle plays all the solos except one.

It could be a thing, but I don't remember if we changed it or not. But if we take "Phantom of the Opera," there are quite a few different guitar parts in it, purely guitar-wise. It's that fairly standardized Iron Maiden thing where there are two lead guitars playing melodies together. That's one thing, and then there was a slightly bluesy solo at a place where I added some storming Rachmaninoff piano that's absolutely not in the original. I thought it should be a bit of a stormy sea, and then there's a part with two guitars playing the same thing simultaneously, and then a solo duel starts. On the original album, it's Dave Murray and Dennis Stratton playing, and their solo duel is just okay. I don't think it's that great. Sorry, Iron Maiden fans, but in terms of solos, Iron Maiden really got good the day Adrian Smith joined. Adrian Smith is the one playing all the cool solos. I'm really sorry, Dave Murray, but that's just how it is! I know what Kulle has to go through because as a soloist, it's quite tough to constantly be told what to play, and then he has to do tricks and improve things. So, I said, "In this solo duel, you can pretty much play whatever you want from here to there, but I don't want you to challenge me because it will be a bad match. It'll be Carl Hamilton against Woody Allen, and that's not fun. We'll bring in Lasse Johansson from Candlemass." I love Candlemass, I love Lasse's guitar playing, and I know that Kulle loves Lasse. I just sat there, and they got to do their things, and you can hear that it's a bit more improvised. It's more Kulle when he gets to play his stuff, and it's nice.

I want to highlight a cover that turned out great on the EP: Tina Turner's "We Don't Need Another Hero." It feels quite suitable to cover because At The Movies also did a fantastic version of it with Ronnie Atkins on vocals.

Actually, I haven't heard it at all. I must have missed it.

Ghosts' version turned out really well, but isn't it too obvious to cover a big song, so to speak?

I would be a bit opportunistic and say this: it probably depends on how it lands. We stuck our necks out the day we were going to play "Enter Sandman" at our concert. It was one thing on TV because that's what it was (at the TV4-broadcasted "Polar Music Prize" in 2018), but you know that this is like playing "Smoke on the Water," "I Wanna Rock," or "Ace of Spades." It's one of those songs that is too well-known in a way. It can feel pancake-like, but it went well, and I feel that "We Don't Need Another Hero" could also become such a song, provided that the audience likes it. But it's not a song that you want to take up five minutes of the concert if it's not super fun.

And how do you know if the audience likes it?

The easiest way is to test it live. But you'll notice when the album comes out. If everyone mentions all the other songs and not that one, then maybe not many people are interested. Also, we usually do this sometimes during rehearsals: "We rehearse it and see how it sounds. How does it feel? How does it feel to play? Does it stick? Do we play it nicely? Does it work live?" I believe that if we fast forward to a huge presumed Ullevi [stadium] in the future, it's a fantastically cool song to play.

[kerubimcrepin]

Live-read: "Julith et Jahash" - Part 1

In the past, I said that I would wait for a translation that is currently in the making in the russian fandom. However, because I am weak, and want to keep this blog going asap, I lied. (This liveblog will be very slow due to this, so be warned.)

This comic will let us understand Joris better... while literally all of his personality, morals, body language, and tastes, are a product of Kerubim, — this might shed light on A. family history, that might dictate his physiology (what if Julith randomly says she has an allergy? This isn't real, but it would be big for Joris lore), and the things he went through after the movie: what experience he would have with the huppermage culture, which he was cut off from for his entire life thus far.

Question: is there a single member of this family who DOESN'T fish??

Kramdam is a part of Rok Island, the name of which will be familiar to you if you're A. a player of the MMOs, B. batshit insane about Joris lore.

It might be silly, for me to point this out, but listen: the movie, the series, they all happen hundreds of years before the Dofus MMO, — so to have confirmation that Rok Island is that old, is very interesting.

I had previously said that huppermages aren't very fond of cultures outside their own, and I want to elaborate, so that my words aren't misconstrued: Huppermages culture is, in a lot of ways, a mixture of different classes, — because a lot of huppermages aren't born huppermages, but instead, people who convert to this class, and a lot of their spells are inspired or taken from other classes. However, not assimilating fully is... very unwelcome.

Having a history of oppression and at least one genocide in the years after the movie, made huppermages very understandably conservative and closed-off. But this culture, as we'll see from this comic, had some pretty toxic traits even before those scars.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT. Like I already knew about this, but I want you to understand: the stupid fucking log thing is a family trait.

Do you think Joris told Bakara "I hate magic, I hate magic, I hate magic. I HATE WANDS. I HATE STAFFS. I KEEP BREAKING THEM. LET ME OUT. LET ME OUT OF THE ACADEMY. STOP HAVING ME BE ENROLLED!!!!" and the next day she brought him a fucking log. Do you think this is what happened.

So small, and already sure that she'll never be as good as her brother... man.

Also... Bakara and Joris looked very similar as kids. At least that's my opinion.

I didn't think this comic would make me emotional, but the Jurgen family having a thing for logs is making me violently ill.

It probably was Bakara who gave him that bright idea. And Kerubim was probably like "ok son, I am someone who also uses blunt weapons, I can teach you how to do this."

There isn't some "i like to use logs" gene, it was all just Joris preferring to use melee, Bakara's memories of Jahash's melee skills, and Kerubim's skill in melee fighting.

It is just... insane to me, how Joris ends up doing this one thing that his biological father liked to do, despite how different they are as people. Despite Joris likely feeling absolutely nothing towards the man.

Well, that, or he fucking hates Jahash, though probably not as much as Julith.

Think about it this way, — Jahash and Julith ruined his childhood by their reappearance. They ruined his life for the next few decades too, probably. And after? They would always be a shadow over his life, for as long as they are remembered. It's always either "you're evil and we don't trust you because you're Julith's son" (even though he knows that Julith was framed,) or "you're not good enough, even though you're Jahash's son. How come?" (even though he knows from Bakara that... Jahash was just a man. Even if it is hard for him to put together the almost-holy image of his father as seen on the stained-glass in a temple, and the image of him that Bakara talks about, — a human person, who had fears and dreams.)

The only way for Joris to live his own life, without any judgement or comparison, without being reminded of how shit his childhood was, is to wait for the World of Twelve to forget who the fuck a Julith and Jahash even are. It's logical for him to have some irrational resentment.

And yet he brings a log to a nuke fight in season 4. Jahash would never do this, because he got good at magic, but he WOULD approve.

His parents would have loved him a lot, if they had the chance.

List of things that Joris and Bakara share:

Neurotic perfectionist who struggles with self-hatred about their skills and their body.

Cute ass behaviours and expressions as children.

Alcoholism (this is my fanon for Joris. It came to me in a vision. He's just like Kerubim and Bakara, — needs to get shitfaced to cope.)

Haunted by Jahash's success in life, even though Jahash would NEVER have wanted either of them to be haunted.

Thin grabbable waist and twinkish/waifish looks as adults. (Joris is already a twink, despite his 3ft stature, but NEVER forget the official concept art of how Joris would look if he wasn't possessed by a dragon as an infant. He would be a tall, blonde, anime twink instead.)

Whisperers have, historically, been used as servants by Bontarians and Huppermages.

Though by Waven times, they are enemies of the state (at least dissenting ones), and Joris wants you to beat the shit out of them, for the sake of his beautiful nation. (because they're dissenting)

Jahash and Bakara grew up with their dad, Juvence Jurgen.

By huppermage standards, they lived in very unusual conditions.

"All huppermage towers are super-protected, we WILL die if we don't take precautions, so I will go ahead, and deliver the message myself."

Yeah, no, they're not typical huppermages. I guess Joris has a lot in common with Bakara and Jahash. (I keep making myself sad, thinking about this.)

He thinks that Jahash and Bakara are some local hicks/rednecks that the huppermage has been experimenting on, which raises many red flags. Like the fact that apparently, human experimentation is a thing that some huppermages do. Then he thinks that the huppermage is experimenting on his own kids.

The headcanon that Jahash might have had some learning disabilities that he gave to Joris as one last "sayonara you weaboo shit" genetical move, and that it was REALLY hard for him to learn magic and impossible for Joris, stays winning.

By the way, I guess this is a good time to give you the next, very funny piece of trivia:

Joris's name literally means "George George the Farmer Farmer".

I think it's likely that, historically, before Jahash's success in life, their family were just some random poverty-stricken farmers, who happened to be huppermages.

I'M SO FUCKING SAD ABOUT THEM.

Grandpa Jurgen is literally so fucking real.

THE HEADCANON THAT JAHASH MIGHT HAD LEARNING DISABILITIES THAT HE GAVE TO JORIS AS ONE LAST "SAYONARA YOU WEABOO SHIT" GENETICAL MOVE, AND THAT IT WAS REALLY HARD FOR HIM TO LEARN MAGIC AND IMPOSSIBLE FOR JORIS, STAYS WINNING.

Juvence really cares about his kids.

"If you don't do as master says, he will kill you and all your loved ones."

Guys I'm starting to think, that between this, the political intrigues, the bullying, the "using Bakara for PR while she becomes a teenage alcoholic and not giving a shit about her" thing, — that the huppermage academy and temple, are um.... not actually Good, as an institution.

To most this is "an honour," and yet, this random selection process chose a teenage huppermage who, by all accounts, can't do magic and doesn't know a single spell.

I'm so fucking sad.

You know what else these two quotes can apply to? Haha. well. I ask you to imagine Jahash's funeral, and—— [i collapse on the floor weeping]

"He was always more like a father to her, than an older brother."

I am going to crash my car into the sea. And I don't even have a car.

[blue-bower]

Just a bunch of Silly Little Guys

So some of yall have probably noticed I've had a tiiiiny bit of a hyperfixation on clowns and jesters for a while now. 

It really started becoming apparent to me when I latched onto Jevil in 2018, but I've honestly loved clown characters for many years. I think the earliest I may have realized I might have a thing for them was that scene from The Brave Little Toaster, and the Toon monsters from Yu-Gi-Oh. I think I was just, in denial or hadn’t fully realized it. And I’ve thought a lot about all the reasons they appeal to me.

1.) Laughter: Laughter and comedy is fucking amazing. I love to laugh, I love hearing and making other people laugh. Everyone deserves something that can brighten their day, and I love that there’s a bunch of gremlins out there whose entire job is to bring laughter. And I enjoy all the methods they use to loosen people up: Pranks, tickling, general goofiness, appealing to one’s inner child, tickling (x2), making someone absolutely loopy and laughter-drunk with bouts of lunacy and ridiculousness, giving playful scares.

2.) Design: I think clown & jester designs are so much fun and so freaking cute. I love elaborate, colorful outfits, I have mad respect for people who can tolerate wearing facepaint all day, I love seeing people who can absolutely own a mismatched, extravagant, goofy outfit.

3.) Fear factor: I enjoy how much they creep people out. I'm a little shit that loves scaring people, and I myself am an adrenaline junkie that enjoys spooky & unsettling things. It fascinates me how so many people have a phobia for silly little guys in facepaint.

4.) Personality: I've always taken a liking to characters that are unhinged and chaotic with way too much energy. I don't necessarily like blatant Evil/Killer Clown stereotypes (I could honestly care less about Pennywise, and the Joker leaves a bad taste in my mouth due to my ex and an abusive POS ex-friend) But I enjoy characters that don't give a fuck what society thinks about their oddities. Characters who just enjoy being pranking little shits, who just want to be seen and enjoyed for the manic goofballs they are. Characters who are on the verge of finally fucking snapping after being misunderstood for so long, because heaven knows I can relate to that.

5.) Commentary on society: Jesters especially are meant to tear down societal conventions, to mock and point out the shortcomings of the upper class. And I eat that shit up, as someone who absolutely hates societal expectations, corporations, biased dictation over how people should behave, how they should view people who exist outside of heteronormativity, gender norms, race & neurotypical behavior. Clowns are often seen as the butt of the joke, and in that sense, they show a sadder side of how society acts towards people who don’t fit their mold, showing the effect that emotional abuse can have on the psyche of someone who just wants to bring joy.

6.) Relatability to myself: For a long time I’ve loved to entertain people, I love making people laugh, I enjoy being in the limelight when in costume and acting as a character, I love impacting peoples' moods in a positive way. That being said, for a good majority of my life, I felt like I was the clown that everybody mocked and laughed at. I was constantly bullied, humiliated, blown off, looked down on. I was the clumsy, ditzy, undiagnosed neurodivergent that everyone in middle & early high school unanimously agreed was a prime target for projecting their need to feel superior. I've always had the worst luck, and to this day I feel like I jinx everything I say or do. Life tried to make a clown out of me. If the song “Circus Hop” existed in my teen years, I would feel it to my core.

But, now that I'm finally more confident in myself, I choose to embrace the klutzy, silly, manic inner gremlin that craves to see the downfall of massive corporations and bigoted, entitled, joyless prickheads. The side of myself that refuses to let harsh realities and cynicism stifle my childlike imagination & creativity and my passion for fictional worlds in "childish" animated media. And I won't let people look down on me for it. I won't let people see me as a laughingstock anymore - not unless it's on my own terms. I'll choose to let people laugh at me, and laugh with me, for reasons that highlight my good traits, not because they think they can throw pies at my face whenever they want.

[starleska]

i am nothing if not ready to enable things so i'm asking you about ming the merciless from flash gordon. bald, evil, dresses eccentrically. seems like your cup of tea. i'm watching the 1996 flash gordon cartoon right now and for some reason he's a lizard man in that

😳😳😳 hello???? sir???????

oh my god this man exudes so much authority and gender i don't know what to do with myself 🙈🙈🙈 you have the best taste!!! he's giving Roger Delgado as the Master sci-fi dictator realness and i'm living for it 😭💖 the beard!!! the robe!!! the brows!!!!! i've always found Spock unreasonably cute and that's coming back to haunt me now, thanks 😖 i am very unfamiliar with Flash Gordon but from the bits i've just watched, Ming seems like a real piece of work...and maybe like he could use a few of us worshipping at his feet? 🥴 10/10 suggestion, i need to go and watch this movie now!!!! and open up to the wider Flash Gordon universe. thank you so much - you may well have planted the seed for a real fixation 🥵

[highpriestoffeedism]

The Sixth Sermon

Harken well unto me, my Children of Abundance, and I will tell thee the Way of the Feeder…

Without a clear vision for the future, there is no hope of overcoming the world's atavistic desire for severity, austerity, and thinness. I offer thee a different path, one of lavish comforts and ease, of great pleasures undreamt of by generations past. What is the Feedist's vision for the dawning of the new age? What is our new First Principle?

I remind thee of an inadequate answer formerly provided by monotheistic religions. Christian morality, for example, is explicitly anti-Roman and anti-classical. Everything considered good by the standards of classical Rome - earthly empire, conquest, personal power, wealth, embracing the passions - was inverted to represent evil. Their opposites - the kingdom of heaven, meekness, self-sacrifice, poverty, asceticism - were declared the height of goodness. In the modern age, we have shed the trappings of the Christian theology, but not the essence of its morality. The authorities of both the past religious ages and of our current materialistic age have one thing in common: a hatred for the body and for this world. Hence, the mind-body dichotomy pervading Western thought, and all of its variants.

I preach to thee of the unification of mind and body, to be found in this world and this life, and all of its attendant celebrations and woes. The beauty of this world is not inherent in the world, but in thy experience and perception of it. You need no meaning; you are the meaning. He who believes that the mysteries of the world are forever hidden, will be washed away by superstition and fear, and his search for meaning will be snuffed out in the void of meaninglessness. But he who sets himself the task of singling out the thread of order from the tapestry, will by that decision alone have taken charge of the world, and it is only by taking charge that he will effect a way to dictate the terms of his own fate and the meaning of his life.

I despise all claims to metaphysical super-reality; they distract us from the present moment and take us out of our bodies. I beseech thee, get thy head out from the abstract moralities, the anti-natural religious tortures, the unearned guilts you have accepted upon thy soul, and come back down to earth, to the harsh reality of nature and the sweetness of the foods and tastes and pleasures to be found thereby.

The universe cries out to me: WHAT IS THY SANCTION? WHERE IS THY WARRANT UPON THY BEING? I answer: I NEED NONE. I AM THE WARRANT AND THE SANCTION.

The universe sneers at me: WHERE IS THY DIRECTION AND THY COMPASS? I HAVE NONE TO GIVE YOU. I shrug: MY DIRECTION AND MY COMPASS POINTS TO ME.

The universe bellows upon me: DO YOU KNOW HOW GRAND I AM, HOW OLD I AM, HOW INSIGNIFICANT YOUR WORDS LIKE "INFINITY", "MAJESTY", AND "ETERNITY" ARE COMPARED TO THE SCALE OF WHAT I TRULY AM? WHAT ARE YOU, SPECK, COMPARED TO ME?" I smile in answer: I AM YOU.

We must become embodied again, like the ancients did before they became too civilized to enjoy themselves. We must learn to act without inhibition, embrace the instincts, and fulfill nature's demand that we become more than what we are.

In Thus Spake Zarathustra, Nietzsche wrote: "There is more wisdom in your body than in your deepest philosophy." Our new First Principle is the body; it is life itself. Everything that strengthens and uplifts and expands life is good; everything that enervates and burdens and shrinks life is evil. It is in the body that nature and culture are made manifest to their highest potential. It is in the divine act of cultivation of thy body that nature and culture regenerate and adapt themselves to thyself. 

Your body has been crafted and honed to perfection over millions of years of evolution, and it is due to your role as a sculptor and creator of life, of your happiness, of gods and heroes, and your unrelenting desire to one day stand among the stars that humanity has risen to its current heights. The whole history of life is contained within your body. Every god, every monster, every width, every depth, every vision that every human being has ever dreamed of, is within YOU, and your hunger for life and for all delicious things within life need not wane. We not need not become a weak, starved, and lethargic species, finding no meaning in our existence and no will to do more than the bare minimum. True joy is found in indulgence, in comfort, and in pleasure, but also in the overcoming and striving ever upwards to attain greater and still greater indulgences, comforts, and pleasures. Conquering new heights and summitting ever higher peaks, creating ever larger, stronger, wider, rounder, and more beautiful forms. Your forms, which make nature smile and the heavens weep at their beauty, give consecration and joy and meaning to the very earth.

We must become the creators of a new humanity, a thriving humanity, an elite of elites who have earned the right to indulge in all the deliciousness and sumptuousness. We may one day have the privilege of soaring among the stars and counting ourselves among the gods, as the massess of ordinary men bear witness to our divine greatness. Be not afraid or ashamed; your passions and your instincts are what drive humanity to greatness. That frenzied flame within your chest is life incarnate. Consume and expand and overcome, burn that flame brighter and stronger and more furious than before. Never stop, until everything that exists is You.

Your body is divine. Your body is the art of life. Become the New Gods and Goddesses, my Children of Abundance. 

Go in peace and with pieces of cake. In the name of the Fatter, and the Fun, and the Holy Brosnan. Amen.

[glameowr]

GRus baby js ugly can you censor

the hays code aka the motion picture production code (actually written by daniel a. lord and martin quigley, two very christian guys which of course was reflected in the code; hays did not do anything important and was just a figurehead, and actually kinda made stuff worse for the MPPDA) has been since replaced by the MPAA rating system. thus, “ the treatment of low, disgusting, though not necessarily evil subjects should always be subject to the dictates of good taste and a regard for the sensibilities of the audience” (article III of the hays code, vulgarity) is no longer instated. therefore i will not censor grus baby and i am not required to as the creator of this film. though everyone at the studio got mad at me when i fully animated a gru and lucy sex scene and i wasnt allowed to put that in

[cosmicjoke]

So I’ve started “The Tale of the Body Thief”!  So far, I’m loving it!  I’m not far enough in yet to make many observations, but one thing I was thinking about while getting through the first about 30 pages is that while everyone acknowledges Louis’ guilt and the guilt he feels at his vampiric nature, Lestat, in his own way, feels just as much guilt, or very nearly as much, about killing and his vampiric nature as Louis does, but he’s so fundamentally different from Louis in how he approaches that guilt, how he copes with it, and just like with how Lestat’s depressions may not seem as overt or obvious because of his eternal optimism, I think the guilt he suffers from what he is isn’t quite so obvious for the same reasons.  While Louis really tends to wallow in his guilt, and allows it to often dictate his actions, or inaction even, Lestat instead chooses to cope with it by embracing what he is, leaning into it, reveling in it even.  But still, we see from this quote here, that he suffers no less for the evil of his vampiric nature than Louis:

“I’m not a pragmatist, understand.  I have a keen and merciless conscience.  I could have been a nice guy.  Maybe at times I am.  But always, I’ve been a man of action.  Grief is a waste, and so is fear.”

And that’s really reinforced in the first proper chapter here (and bear with me, because this is my first time reading this book, so please don’t anyone spoil me if I’m off the mark somehow in my assessment, lol), where we find Lestat still stalking and hunting and killing evildoers.  We find him stalking a serial killer here.  He says about that:

“Please understand, there is no nobility in this.  I don’t believe that rescuing one poor mortal from such a fiend can conceivably save my soul.  I have taken life too often- unless one believes that the power of one good deed is infinite.  I don’t know whether or not I believe that.  What I do believe is this:  The evil of one murder is infinite, and my guilt is like my beauty- eternal.  I cannot be forgiven, for there is no one to firgive me for all I’ve done.”

One of the most interesting things about Lestat is the continual conflict between his human nature (the human part of him which sought to do and believed in the possibility of good) and his vampiric nature, the overwhelming, animal lust for blood and the kill.  I think Lestat feels as if these uncontrollable urges born from his vampiric nature eradicate all goodness inside him, all possibility for goodness inside him.  But he in a way contradicts that notion by his very desire to still do good, through his still seeking it out and holding himself to certain rules, such as only killing evildoers.  And indeed, through the very guilt he feels for killing.

Lestat ends up killing the old woman whom the serial killer was stalking, taken by the desire to taste her purer, innocent blood, and afterward, he falls into a state of despair, faced once again with the monstrosity of what he is.  It’s this constant push and pull of Lestat’s humanity fighting against his monstrosity. 

But it’s really that struggle in itself which, in the end, makes Lestat the protagonist, even in a way a heroic figure, always striving and never giving up that part of him.  He’s not really evil.  His vampiric nature, certainly, is monstrous, and one might even say evil, but the human part of him, his heart and mind, remains good.

Anyway, until next time.  I’m definitely interested in where this ends up going.  I can already tell from the tone that Lestat is in a much darker place than at the end of “QotD”.  He seems much more cynical already. 

[unhingedselfships]

More Yakuza!Kadokura KimiKura Songs

Coffin - PVLATINUM

“'Cause I'm about to spend a Month's pay on cocaine Fuck a bitch who got a boyfriend Spit in his face Take a motherfucking 9M to my brain Put my body in designer in my coffin”

Watch Me - Bludnymph

“Fives, tens, hundreds, ones Girls want cash, girls wanna have funds Getting drunk off your attention Stacks so long it make a girl run That's that shit that I love Throw it so fast you got a paper cut Bought out the club, now, it's just us Sip straight from the bottle like”

Mr. Dictator - Saint Motel

“Everybody tends to disagree On just how evil A single human being should ever be And all your bones they scream for more”

Pain Killer - Sickick

“Fuck your intervention I just want to feel your high I don't think I'm quitting Tell me you won't leave my side Nothing really matters You're all I need Nothing really matters But you and me”

Devil in Paradise - Cruel Youth

“I wanna be where the sun don't shine Where the birds don't sing and the kids don't smile They say, I saw the Devil in paradise I wanna be where the night is day Where the roses die and the thorns ain't fake And they say, I saw the Devil with a smiling face"

Hayloft - Mother Mother (Crypto, Jake Daniels cover)

“Young lovers and they are not sleeping Young lovers in the hayloft With his gun turned on, Pop went a-creeping Out to the barn, into the hayloft My daddy's got a gun”

Breathing Fire - BAD CHILD 

“Where the time go, I don't know People come and people go,  Stick around I'll keep you close Go ahead call it unconditional 'Cause we're fire breathers You're a violent creature 'Cause we're fire breathers Yeah, you know I need you”

Bodies - Bryce Fox

“I'm just bored trying to drown the anxiety Wanna see if you got somethin' ugly up in the psyche All I'm sayin' is we got two types of blood Tryna mix it up, is you afraid or what? I mean, away we go, are you gon' pass the love? I'm just diggin', are we on the same page or not? I mean, I'm like my past, I'm wasted”

Definition Forbidden - DNMO, Bijou Dream

“I don't even know your name yet Still, I am fixated Love the way you tell me what I want to hear Love the way you don't love me But still, hold me close without judging”

Sweet - Unlike Pluto, Mister Blonde

“I'm only sweet when I'm high In class, I learned to lie To pretty boys, to pass the time 'Cause I got that good shit, American pride Kiss the kids goodnight and take the Harley for a ride”

Montero - Lil Nas X (Rain Paris cover)

“Cocaine and drinking with your friends You live in the dark, boy, I cannot pretend I'm not fazed, only here to sin”

Fake - The Tech Thieves

“Please don't fake it, show me what you're all about I got wasted, learning how to let it out I can't take it, kiss me with the lips of doubt Please don't fake it, fake it, fake”

Demon Mode - Stileto, AViVA

“Went to Hell and met some friends You know, it's not that bad Cocktails and cigarettes For sins I don't regret”

Vicious - Bohnes

“She's a little bit twisted, little bit wild Little bit fucked up, that's my style Little bit ruthless, little bit raw Razorblade tucked inside of her bra Lovin' that pain, she roughin' me up Guess I do too cause I'm stupid in love”

Roses - SAINt JHN (Banks Arcade cover)

“Turn up baby, turn up, when I turn it on You know how I get too lit when I turn it on Can't handle my behavior when I turn it on Too fast, never ask, if the life don't last, done been through it all”

Maraschino Love - EZI

“Your lips, a sugar rush Like candy on my tongue Once I got a taste, I couldn't stop Wanted every drop, give me all you got I'll sip you out the bottle, you're so sweet like cherry pop Was like, Oh my God, my new favorite drug You go down like liquid velvet, maraschino love”

Heart Shaped Glasses (When the Heart Guides the Hand) - Marilyn Manson

“And I don't mind you keeping me on pins and needles If I could stick to you and you stick me, too Just don't break, don't break my heart And I won't break your heart shaped glasses”

Borderline - Tove Lo

“Good people do bad things too Pretend they don't know, but they do It takes one to know your mind You and me we are one of a kind, it's true I like to feel my bones when they crash into my heart I like the taste of blood when you're tearing me apart I like to push you to the edge as long as you say you're mine”

Mary on a Cross - Ghost

“But through all the sorrow We were riding high And the truth of the matter is I never let you go, let you go We were scanning the cities Walking to greater dues But besides all the glamour All we got was bruised”

Desperado - Rihanna

“Desperado Sitting in a old Monte Carlo A man whose heart is hollow, uh Take it easy I'm not tryna go against you Actually, I'm going withcha Gotta get up out of here and You ain't leaving me behind”

[empressarcana]

This is a copy/paste from my YouTube community page. 💗

💫 💫 💫

I did a small impromptu reading for anyone stumbling upon my community page. Pulling two cards from The Wild Unknown Archetypes deck, I stare into the eye of the Kairos card. I resonated with one of the messages in the guidebook about this card.

"The word "evil" comes from the root "unripe". Consider that everything has a time of ripeness, when it becomes a nourishing fruit, sweet to the lips."

I am feeling a sense of guilt for not having enough time, not knowing when to act, when is the right moment. In alignment to our soul's purpose, we choose when a moment is in divine timing or not. Surely, many of us roll our eyes at the thought of allowing such a thing to dictate when action is meant to take place. With the Kairos card, I feel time, the Universe, unknown force, energy, is always observing from afar, the shadows. This can also be the unripe part of us, unsure when a moment should be seized or not. Do we want to take a bite into the ripe fruit, allowing the juices to flow down the sides of our mouth, enjoying the sweetness of the moment? Or do bite into the unripe, tasting the bitterness, not allowing the fruit to flourish? We always are in control of the final outcome, but the pressure comes from the power of decision.

Pulling another card, the Healer, I feel a conundrum within, wanting to take action, wanting to help someone, yourself. Using the abilities of the Healer, the gift, one wonders how much is too much. Can I use all my energy, my strength to help another? Is it too much? Is my well of love deep enough to give, give, give? All of this comes down to one's inner knowing, intuition, of the right moment. Honestly, hearing this message from my higher self annoys me a little, feeling an inner impatience. Still, the truth of the matter is, we are always healing. The journey to self is eternal. No matter where we go at the end of our lives, whether there is another life or the next, whatever one's belief might be, our soul, I believe is eternal.

The Healer works with the light, bringing Kairos out of the shadows, reassuring them it is okay to take their time. Right now, with the dice I rolled, I am seeing the 10 of cups, 4 of cups reversed, but also the King of Cups reversed. Inside, the desire for completion speaks loudly, wanting to scream it out to the rooftops. Many in the collective might be feeling this desire to expand on relationships, feel the warmth of the sun with a partner, creating a life together, completion. The 4 of cups, in the Rider Waite, is depicted as an individual not noticing the cup being offered to them, simply staring away. With it being reversed, I feel many of you are seeing this chalice, this offering, not rejecting it anymore. You are willing to explore these parts of self, whereas before you didn't believe you were deserving of your own 10 of cups. Now, in the King of Cups reversed, I am, again, seeing the energies of the oracle cards I pulled. Kairos reminds us of divine timing, trusting the process, even when emotions don't feel grounded. The King of Cups is skilled, knows when their emotions are meant to be seen or not, felt or not, but also extending their healing abilities to loved ones.

The Astro dice shows the Sun in Leo 4th house, the house of security, of the home. For now, the remedy of heart is to embrace the things that make you smile. Leo is the heart of the zodiac, showing pride in their work, creativity, too. They want to be seen. Right now, make your home a place you're happy with, a place you can share with self, with another, and create, too. Shine your light, my loves.

Lucy 🦋

[thebookbin]

Dune

Frank Herbert

Publisher: Ace Genre: sci fi Year: 1965

So I just finished Dune. I first read it in 5th grade and I’m glad I took the time to reread it but also... not.

A lot of the hot takes about this book revolve around the white savior narrative but this book is a criticism of the white savior narrative. The only problem is that to criticize it, it includes the white savior narrative.

Paul, the main character, is the villain of the story. The interesting thing is that his opponents are also villains: imperialism has rendered the universe flawed with no obvious “good guy.”

Paul is definitely a white boy power fantasy. He is trained in all manner of fighting and his mother’s magic, but of course he surpasses her and eventually can see all of time: past-present-future. What starts as a boy’s quest to avenge his father becomes a new emperor’s takeover of the universe.

The first half of the novel is unbearably slow. So much time is dedicated to politics and such tiny machinations it comes as a shock when they are betrayed and the House Atreides falls to ruin. It really feels like the stakes are so high because we as the reader were invested in these politics only for them to become useless. But then the book just blasts forward so fast and abandons that attention to detail in order to skip ahead in time all of the sudden Paul is married with a baby. We don’t get to witness his rise of power within the Fremen, which makes sense if you’re looking at this story through the anti-white-savior lens. The story focuses on Paul’s rise to power as an evil dictator, so the politics of the Fremen aren’t really as important, but it’s such a jarring switch of pace.

It also completely escaped me the first time, idk how because it’s not subtle, but the lesser baddie is gay—but not really. The evil Vladimir Harkonnen, who enslaved an entire planet and who is the colonizer supreme has a taste for little boys. This is supposed to highlight his unnaturalness: at one point he tells his men to drug a slave boy and put him in his room because he’s “not interested in wrestling”. That and the fact that he’s fat are supposed to signal to us that he’s evil, and it just really doesn’t sit well. Yes, gays can be evil, but you get the sense that this isn’t that—we’re supposed to be disgusted with the fact that he’s gay. For me it was the fact that they’re just boys, but you just know how the author thinks about queerness.

But on the other hand, it’s strangely progressive. One of the main characters, Lady Jessica, is one of the most powerful characters in the story and has a lot of her own agency, and yet at the same time how Herbert treats women really doesn’t sit well. Lady Jessica is a witch of the Bene Gessirit, who has cool powers and is part of a religious order. Her storyline is awesome. But although she physically fights a few times, again it’s very clear how Herbert views women. There are no female soldiers or just regular women around—even when they are physically capable they are still limited to other roles: mother, wife, priestess. There are just no regular women they way there are men.

Yet the final lines of the book are dedicated to the women: Lady Jessica, although beloved by the Duke, was never married to him and only a concubine. Minor spoiler: [ And when Paul marries someone he doesn’t love at the end of the book, his mother consoles the one he does love: “We who carry the name concubine, history will call us wives.” 

(end spoiler)]

I am fascinated by Dune's portrayal of religion: in that it’s entirely skeptical. In the book the Bene Gessirit are an intergalactic organization that want to bring about a powerful being through complicated breeding and genes. In order to do this, they go to planets and seed religions, and both Paul and Lady Jessica know this. Paul’s position as the Lisan al Gaib is literally a fake religion that the Bene Gessirit planted in their culture thousands of years ago and—even though both Paul and Lady Jessica know this, Paul actually begins to think he is the Lisan al Gaib and Jessica just kind of….lets him.

And Paul is so sure he’s the messiah and his visions are accurate but there’s literally no indication he’s actually seeing the future, he’s just kinda really confident about it.

All in all I enjoyed the macro political machinations and the really cool worldbuilding of Arrakis. But as someone who grew up religious I also think this book is too subtle. Paul is the villain but I guarantee 85% of white men who read this will come away thinking he’s the hero.

I understand what it was trying to do, I just don’t think it did it completely successfully. And while I understand it’s considered a classic and revolutionary in the genre, I’m not interested in reading a straight white man’s take on politics and the universe when there’s so much out there that interests me more.

storygraph | bookshop.org | local houston

★★★ have the confidence of a straight white man stars

[terrainofheartfelt]

Sort of inspired by your discussion of Jenny needing to go to London alone to really grow into herself and mature as a person, in an ideal world in which none of the main characters were forcibly tethered to the UES or its more toxic inhabitants post-high school, how do you generally - like broad strokes - imagine them developing as people in college and throughout their twenties? I always wonder where everyone might have ended up had they not been constrained by the type of narrative they were living in, and I’d love to hear any headcanons you have on the subject!

I've been thinking about this on and off since i received it (an embarrassingly - for me - amount of time ago) and now finally feel like I can answer.

because, like, what if we weren't constrained by the harsh realities of making tv? what if the rules meant that they could leave new york?

well, first, let's dovetail off jen moving to london and blossoming, and send eric along with her. he can go to cambridge, or any of the other big name universities in the area, and he and jenny would be flatmates and live their own hilarious queer sitcom of being students in london.

I've already plugged nads' yale au in my answers this evening, but I still really like the idea of dan and blair attending yale, and outside of the maelstrom of manhattan drama, they settle into their own selves and learn they could actually...like each other? and then they fall in LOVE as far as careers, they are the most driven. and we've talked about novelist dan and editress blair and art historian blair and college prof dan.....but lately I've been thinking about blair working in costuming. It's not high fashion design, but I think it's a great synthesis of the things we know blair loves: literature, film, history, art history & fashion history, Evil Dictator of Good Taste, being a specialist and big boss on a niche subject...yeah...

i still enjoy the idea of vanessa being at nyu, or at another arts college in nyc, and making her own way and building her own story (without being boxed in to the secondary character of anyone else's story!) I like the idea of her attending Tisch too, and expanding her skill set into screenwriting in that way.

to plug another au by a friend, S's goodbye stranger introduced the concept of Serena attending Berkeley, and I LOVE it. I love that for her. Berserk-ley. I think that school in that part of the country would be where Serena would really thrive. She becomes a full glamorous SF queen. perhaps she opens a coffee shop. Blair is outwardly mortified but inwardly very proud.

As for Nate, I think he is the character who really should take a gap year. It's never questioned, but the way he is yanked around by the collar those first two seasons, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense that nate would decide that he needs some time to figure out what it is he wants. sidebar: bc the serena gap year felt disingenuous in many ways, yk? serena was so eager to leave new york and go to school and study. she likes learning, we see it, and the opportunity to reinvent herself that college would provide....why would she walk away from it? except for TV Reasons. so, I like the thought of nate taking at least a year. traveling, volunteering, maybe he takes a community college course or two. he falls off the grid for a while and he realizes how healthy and how happy he feels without the constant eyes and pressure of his family & gossip girl. and after that time, he's found what he actually wants to do, and goes to school to do it. -- as always, I'm fond of nate working in health care, as a nurse or pt or something, but it could really be anything. teacher? chef? social worker? children's librarian? (actually culinary student nate has come up in convos with ivy & cherry before and I am into it.)

and uhhhhhh i guess chip wiskers can crash his inherited business and money into the ground bc lets be real that fucko would try to launch his own cryptocurrency and since he seems to hold such disdain for education and self-betterment, he stagnates and falls off the face of the earth byeeee

[laments-of-a-fool]

God Lived Next Door

I was walking home when I thought about that crazy woman and how much easier my life would have been if I had been like her—completely devoted to someone who dictated what to do and what not to do.

I started laughing in the street.

I made Mil my God.

I heard him speaking through the walls. I idolized him, overlooking all his earthly mistakes and flaws, creating a perfect version of him that kept me safe and offered guidance when I needed it, which was often.

But now, my God had forsaken me.

I sinned.

I became greedy, too hopeful, too broken not to construct this image of a perfect Mil in my mind.

He felt like a comforting presence, like a full-body pillow, like a parent. Ms. White did too, to some extent. They were a certainty. I was certain I would see one or both of them in a day.

But I wanted more and didn't know how to ask if I should ask if I could ask if I would even enjoy it after I asked.

I don't like thinking of people close to me as sexually active. It freaks me out, unsettles me, that they could let themselves be seen in that way—truly vulnerable.

I hate it.

I hate getting hurt.

I am hurt.

Even the hint of one of my friends being sexual makes me feel the same discomfort I get when I see my favorite actresses topless in movies.

Ew.

Stop that.

She's Mother, why would I want to see that?

But I don't have any hang-ups about my favorite male actors getting naked, probably because I don't identify with them as much.

It's the same with male singers; I don't care for them. Even the worst female singer seems better than the best male singer.

Ms. White desecrated my God, making me tense and jealous whenever I thought about them being together.

After her text on the night of the cocktail tasting, I felt like she read my mind and truly hated me, I felt that I ruined her day, that I kept her from her real friends and it was all my fault.

I was certain she would never speak to me again. But the day after that she was okay.

After texting me those horrible things and flipping me off, how could she act like everything was normal like nothing had happened?

She freaked me out.

My heart beat quickly and loudly. I couldn't breathe until she left.

That night, the stress made me cry for the first time in a long while. I hate crying; it's painful. It makes me look ugly and think about everything that's wrong with me.

This feeling persisted for weeks, leaving me in an anxious state of mind. I still feel like that, every time I think about the both of you.

Which is often.

And it was so easy to make her the Devil after that day. An evil temptress leading me to ruin.

Rationally, I knew nothing would happen between them, but I couldn't stop feeling suspicious, so I abandoned them first. I needed to put myself first. Break the delusion.

I left and after showing them a part of me—the worst part, hoping they would understand and help me, they turned their backs.

I learned then that my God isn't merciful; he is a vengeful God, he is out for blood and he wants to punish me.

I accept it.

I created Him, and He's my responsibility.

I need to be held accountable.

If only they had told me to seek help before cutting contact with me, I wouldn't have felt so volatile these past weeks.

By not saying it, they showed they didn't care if I got over Mil or not. If I'm hurting or not.

They wanted me to suffer.

They really saw me at my lowest and ran away.

So, suffer I will.

[alburrito]

5.15.2024

"No doubt some of that is the sad result of mental illness, but a percentage that high represents a more far-reaching societal problem - a crisis in meaning and a poverty of purpose.

Relativism leaves us with no criterion for moral decision-making but personal taste.

Pope Benedict XVI said that 'relativism, which recognize[s] nothing as definitive, leaves as the ultimate criterion only the self with its desires.' That is because relativism leaves us with no objective truths to govern our behavior. The moral compass of a relativist has nowhere to point but to himself.

-Absolute Relativism, pg 8-9

This excerpt from this tiny, yet impactful book has hit me the hardest, probably because I relate to it the most. The percentages were referring to CDC's survey of how many teens considered suicide/how many actually attempted it. Granted by the time I was considering it, I was far beyond my teenage years, but the fundamental reason was still the same because I kept asking myself: "What is the point of living?"

When I had those thoughts, I was still a practicing Catholic but starting to have one foot out the door. Not sure I could remember the reason why, but maybe something along the lines of, "What am I even doing this for?" or really "I can do it myself without having to go to church."

Unbeknownst to me, as I was leaving, all meaning and purpose slowly fell apart. I was just going through the motions of graduating undergrad, finding a job, looking to move up career-wise to have stability in my life. That last part is what I hung all my hopes on, even as I moved into pharmacy school and what I thought I was gonna end up doing with my life. However, assigning that meaning soon fell apart when my moral compass did not have direction. A compass that does not have a North/South Pole assigned to it will just spin infinitely.

My behavior afterwards was simply doing what felt "right" to me and if other people had something to say, I usually had some kind of justification or simply just thought "they don't understand." Actually that is where it all went wrong. I remember discussing that thoughts/actions are not inherently right or wrong, but more so the justification that comes along with it, and as such, the justification is what evil constitutes. Even now as I write it out, it is no different than the Original Sin that Adam and Eve committed. In itself, eating the fruit was considered wrong, but it was the shift in blame and trying to play God by justifying the action that led to humankind's downfall.

My justification to shape a world where I was the one dictating it to always be in the "right" was my flaw and the cause for my demise. Whether it was speeding on the highway or binge drinking, I always found an excuse to justify my actions, which ultimately kept me going on this spiral. Because I wanted to maintain this control, I started pushing people away as well. I did not want to hear their concern because I believed they would not understand or would ruin my outlook. It was also why I procrastinated because it was perfect or bust, so I never opted to take the path filled with mistakes. I needed it shaped to what my vision was.

Will wrap this up before this gets to be too long and incoherent, but as much as I dislike relying on religion to explain things, I think this philosophy cannot be ignored. Being raised in the Catholic faith for more than 2/3's of my life, it has been baked in, and for me to throw it away completely would mean I would have to throw away my life as well. Catholicism has actually kept me from ending the short life I have lived, so I think it would be my task to repay the debt that I owe.

[ambrosiamaple]

I have always known that a cup of my blood spilled would be worth less than a drop of a white person's blood. I have always known the value of my life, the culmination of my lived experiences, would be punctuated with the qualifying adjective denoting my skin tone, thus rendering my accomplishments less significant. I am brown and therefore less than, regardless of any quantitative metric, and will be mourned by society as a fraction of a person when I pass. The laws were built to be punitive to second class citizens and a haven for the white masters of the Western world. I know this, and yet, I find myself disappointed still.

The fact that the loss of human life on an incomprehensible scale is not deemed a tragedy significant enough to warrant intervention is abhorrent. The fact that a population comprised 50% of children has been determined to be expendable, and worse, guilty for the crime of existing, is reprehensible. The fact that Israel is able to operate without reproach and is given arms and money to more efficiently commit war crimes and genocide, is maddening.

I wonder how it tastes, with your head buried in the dirt, so that you cannot see, cannot hear, the pleas of those dying and asking that they be considered human. You ask us to vote for someone who has readily committed genocide because the alternative is worse. Yet, it has already been proven that brown lives are worth more past expiration. Is your motive to protect yourself, a white person, for whom it hasn't gotten bad enough yet? I would remind you that we, minorities, have always been told to wait and vote for incremental change, so that we could be denied our humanity for longer. I would remind you that most significant change mirrors the dogma of punctuated equilibrium, in that it occurs rapidly all at once. I would remind you, if you are so privileged, that there is no middle ground. There is no lesser evil when the options are genocide of the many and the even more. Choose how you will, condemn who you want, but do not presume to dictate to me that I ought to make sacrifices. I will not vote for someone who kills my brethren and calls it freedom. I will not vote to maintain your privilege, where I have none. I will not do my part in oppressing my own people and, if there is no option for me to choose against my oppression, I will simply abstain.

[reaching-my-summit]

some days, i wonder who i am

what’s sitting at the core of the “me” that the world sees

i’m a barrage of different selves

for my family, for my mentors, for my friends

actually, i’m a different friend to most of my friends, filling whatever gaps need filling

a problem-solver, a helper, a yes-man

maybe i have never really been given a choice to be “me,” whoever that is

academic success wasn’t optional

even my passions were forced upon me

“try it, you need to be involved”

“you can’t quit, so you want to look like a quitter?”

so maybe there has always been this suffocation of my core. a hydraulic press keeping me together

because what would happen if it all fell apart?

i still sit at that circular table in my mind, the smell of oil and fat hanging oppressively in the air. like mustard gas. i hear their question. no—it’s an accusation.

i was accused of being me. and that still stings eight years later.

i realize that i let others dictate how I perceive myself. i hold on to those perceptions and i internalize them. if someone said that about me, it must be true. why else would they say it?

fat. stupid. self-obsessed. too logical. too loud. too unprofessional. too earthly. too weird. too much.

so i gather up all my “toos” and i carry them at my sternum, just under the frog that lives in my throat. because crying is too dramatic, and if i’m upset, i must be tired or overreacting.

reaching. being unreasonable. asking for too much.

because i can excuse everyone else’s feelings, right? everyone’s feelings save my own. because the second i try to be me, i get shoved down into that box again. and it’s oppressive.

and i’m there, lit up by fluorescents, unable to process where i am. i remember driving there, but everything else is fuzzy in between.

it’s the first month off the drugs i got on because i wanted to help someone else. i’m standing in the painkiller aisle, staring blankly at a box of advil pm and hoping to god that it can make me sleep without waking up in tears. without waking up shaking, burning, twitching, retching, unable to tell anyone that i was falling apart because who the fuck would have cared enough to help? how could i explain how broken i was when i had been the one to destroy myself?

i stood in that aisle, ears ringing from the buzzing of the lights and the pressure in my skull and i knew. i knew that my desire to fix everyone else had finally broken me.

and now i stand at the sea. and it’s a desert.

i stand at the precipice of my youth and look out at the tumult. and at the dunes. and i wonder why the surf doesn’t eat me alive even when i’m drowning.

i know i’ve been wrong. i’ve done bad things. it’s why the quicksand keeps lapping at my ankles, wearing away at the tiny planet you tattooed on my ankle. you hurt, so i hurt, so you hurt, so i hurt

so you hurt me

and i hurt

until i break

and i hurt you

and i hurt

and i hurt

and the sand digs into my skin and filters into my pores and my blood and my bone until i’m so filled with you and your hurt that i rip myself apart

and i know why you hurt me

i always will

and i’ll blame myself, because i see you

and i see the riptide threatening to pull you under

and i’m useless because i couldn’t help

and i’m evil because i couldn’t help

and i’m evil because i ripped myself apart as you drowned

and i know i shouldn’t have felt your pain with you, but i did. and it hurt you. and i can’t take that back.

but in return, i’ll be me.

and i’ll cry when i think of you in the dark. and i’ll pray that you can forgive me. and i’ll ache as the red strings that once connected us leech out of me. i still hold the scissors in my hand, glued to my palm like the taste of cigarettes on my tongue.

and i’ll be me. i promise.