#I am always down for catpics tho if you wanna express some empathy/sympathy

[havethetouch]

Lil bit of Grief

Today's the day. Been dreading it a little not gonna lie but all things considered I am doing fairly well.

For those who didn't follow the shitshow that became my fams life for the last four years well, lemmie just say lotsa cancer in my fam and we lost 4 people with only a couple months of reprive in between each one. First my grandmother, then my father, then my uncle (fathers brother) and my grand cousin (cousin of my father).

Like except for my aunt which lives next door to me now bc I moved into my fathers (now mine) house, a whole generation just got wiped out in a short amount of timealong with our matriarch and well, it's been hard. Still is some days.

And today is the second death day of my father. Half of me is like "it's been two years already?" and another goes "it's only been two years?" And it's so weird and I'm a little off kilter, actually been off kilter for a bit now bc I knew the day was coming closer and idk idk it's different now because last year I was still living in the city and took a train out on this day to visit the house and his grave and to be with my aunt and now I am slowly trying to make this house my own place and we went to his grave together and cleared out the weeds and lit some candles and it's a weird weird mixture of grieflovesadnessloveangerlovenostalgialovebitternesslovelovelove.

But it's better than it was last year. I don't choke on every other breath. My memory is improving (got shot to shit bc of grief n stress obviously). I feel lighter than I have in a long while. This year has been kind on me things improved a lot. Lot of changes going on but mostly good ones that drive me forward instead of back or keeping me in place.

My grief has been softly sanded down like seaglass pearls now, it doesn't cut my hands and feet up as much but yeah... today it lies a bit heavier in my palm.