#I am also not getting into his first daughter-in-law the sculptor

[lividria]

joke in a discord server led to me reading the entirety of john wilkes booth's wikipedia page at 1 in the morning, under the cut are my many bizarre findings from this wikipedia rabbit hole, coming to this as someone who just knew him as Guy Who Killed Lincoln and finds all of this way too funny probably directly due to sleep deprivation

and this reminds me, i forgot the context but one time my nickname in a discord i'm in was "daughter of john wilkes booth" or something for a few months i think, i need to go check why the fuck that happened cliffhanger until the end of the post i guess

 On opening night, he experienced stage fright and stumbled over one of his lines. Instead of introducing himself by saying, "Madame, I am Petruchio Pandolfo", he stammered, "Madame, I am Pondolfio Pet—Pedolfio Pat—Pantuchio Ped—dammit! Who am I?", causing the audience to roar with laughter

is then followed by paragraph upon paragraph praising how good of an actor he was and it's really, really funny how much it feels like the page is idolizing him until we hit the Civil War Years heading, there's one paragraph where it foreshadows his confederate sympathies and just fucking moves on a sentence later back to listing all of the newspapers praising him for 2 more paragraphs

the reason i was even on this page was because someone jokingly suggested that if booth had missed and shot lincoln's hat instead lincoln would've recognized him and just invited him to come watch the play instead, apparently this is a genuine alternate timeline that could've happened

Family friend John T. Ford opened 1,500-seat Ford's Theatre on November 9 in Washington, D.C. Booth was one of the first leading men to appear there, playing in Charles Selby's The Marble Heart. In this play, Booth portrayed a Greek sculptor in costume, making marble statues come to life. Lincoln watched the play from his box. At one point during the performance, Booth was said to have shaken his finger in Lincoln's direction as he delivered a line of dialogue. Lincoln's sister-in-law was sitting with him in the same presidential box where he was later slain; she turned to him and said, "Mr. Lincoln, he looks as if he meant that for you." The president replied, "He does look pretty sharp at me, doesn't he?" On another occasion, Lincoln's son Tad saw Booth perform. He said that the actor thrilled him, prompting Booth to give Tad a rose. Booth ignored an invitation to visit Lincoln between acts.

also by sheer coincidence i read this page on the goddamn ides of march and only just now found out how much JWB idolized brutus so that was fucking weird

booth was almost an oil tycoon before leaving the business to go do something or other about the civil war, and lost a ton of money in doing so, so lol

he fucking broke into some guy's execution crowd to watch him get hanged and didn't do anything and it never came up again???

before killing lincoln he planned to kidnap him instead and ransom him for imprisoned confederates which seems like a pretty low bargain for the fucking president, like trade directly for the union recognizing the confederacy or something what the hell are you doing

something i love about the way wikipedia and other wiki sites write is how sometimes hilariously blunt things are written, this being a good example

He told Louis J. Weichmann, a friend of John Surratt and a boarder at Mary Surratt's house, that he was done with the stage and that the only play he wanted to present henceforth was Venice Preserv'd. Weichmann did not understand the reference; Venice Preserv'd is about an assassination plot.

He did not understand the reference.

i forgot about the whole rumor about booth breaking his leg when he jumped down from the booth (location) and it's specifically mentioned later that his leg was hurt but booth specifically insisted it was hurt by a horse he was riding to get away and i know him actually injuring his leg and still making a getaway is super unlikely but the idea of him getting super embarrassed and insisting it didn't happen and oh no his leg got hurt some other way is amazing- okay wait no i misread this paragraph apparently it's the other way around, he was the one who insisted he broke his leg jumping from the stage as some kind of ego thing making himself out as heroic that might be even more ridiculous actually

Booth was the only one of the assassins to succeed. Powell was able to stab Seward, who was bedridden as a result of an earlier carriage accident; Seward was seriously wounded but survived. Atzerodt lost his nerve and spent the evening drinking, never making an attempt to kill Johnson.

how do you fail to kill a bedridden man by any means, but especially stabbing

there's a random unwarranted namedrop of Joseph "Peanuts" Burrough

the locations listed in the explanation of his getaway sound like fantasy locations, ah yes Zekiah Swamp and Seratt's Tavern

"Almost every family who kept a photograph album on the parlor table owned a likeness of John Wilkes Booth of the famous Booth family of actors. After the assassination Northerners slid the Booth card out of their albums: some threw it away, some burned it, some crumpled it angrily."

am i stupid, why were people just commonly keeping pictures of actors in their homes

basically every paragraph it jumps between describing booth's flight and how people reacted to lincoln dying and like the timing of events is not even remotely synced up and it feels really weird to read

Garrett's 11-year-old son Richard was an eyewitness to the event. In later years, he became a Baptist minister and widely lectured on the events of Booth's demise at his family's farm.

imagine going to church and the guy up at the podium is like "when i was a young'n i watched them kill that dammmmnnn bastard who killed the president"

 The Garretts also finally learned of Lincoln's death and the substantial reward for Booth's capture. Booth, said Garrett, displayed no reaction other than to ask if the family would turn in the fugitive should they have the opportunity. Still not aware of their guest's true identity, one of the older Garrett sons offered that they might, if only because they needed the money. 

what the fuck was booth's plan telling the people who were housing him to go look for him like i get they didn't know it was him but what was the tactical purpose of this play

another amazing fucking wikipedia excerpt

David Herold surrendered, but Booth refused Conger's demand to surrender, saying, "I prefer to come out and fight." The soldiers then set the barn on fire.

like, did he TRY to go out and fight, or was the point that he didn't want to do either and just stayed in there, was he refusing to leave and that's why they burned the barn down or was he about to go duel them and almost got through the door only to see that there was gasoline everywhere now

In Booth's pockets were found a compass, a candle, pictures of five women (actresses Alice Grey, Helen Western, Effie Germon, Fannie Brown, and Booth's fiancée Lucy Hale)

again with the pictures of random actors???

apparently multiple people wrote books (one of which was titled The Curse of Cain, what the fuck does cain have to do with anything) pitching the idea that james wilke booth survived and the guy they tried to immolate and then shot when that didn't work was just a lookalike, and i swear it mentions like 20+ people as having come out and confirmed the corpse was booth, like that is exactly the comedic misinformation bit that happens all the time in the modern day how the fuck did it happen in the civil war era, also multiple times people tried to get their hands on booth's body to DNA test and confirm it's him and they kept getting told to fuck off which is pretty funny

then there's a list of references to booth in media and i swear some of this shit is insane, like i had never heard of the movie zoolander before but apparently there's a plot point that booth was brainwashed into assassinating lincoln by the fashion industry, and jfk's too???, seeing the title Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter nearly gave me an aneurysm and reading it's synopsis didn't fucking help, booth was in an episode of the twilight zone where some guy gets sent back in time randomly and makes it his mission to stop the assassination of lincoln and fails lol and the synopsis makes it read like john wilkes booth somehow became immortal and is alive in the modern day???, one of the smosh guys played booth in some show i've never heard of but oh my god it also involves going in back in time holy shit there's a hitler assassination plot involving Kickler and abraham lincoln fighting hitler as well this is a whole other rabbit hole for the future what the actual fuck

and the See Also includes a page for some lady who decided to claim she was john wilkes booth's daughter???

...okay, no idea how that by sheer coincidence made for the perfect segue, apparently what happened with the nickname thing from the start of this post is that one of my friends made his nickname "john wilkes booth" for the 4th of july for some reason, while doing a Soldier TF2 bit, and i also changed my nick to that and he threatened to sue me so i became "john wilkes booth's daughter" and i later had to explain to an australian who john wilkes booth was because of my nickname and also this apparently happened too what the fuck who was nicked Hitler???

[makalauriels]

Thanks to @sandoakato’s wonderful Daughters series, I have hit upon the startling realization that Tolkien’s elves get one (1) named daughter. Unless you’re Finwë, the absolute chad gets two (2) named daughters. I’m not quite sure when it comes to Men but I think Húrin is the only other guy with two named daughters. Not sure it’s as much of a sign of divine authorial favour for him though.

And take a drink when you see how many characters have 3 older sons and 1 youngest daughter. This might mean nothing except its suspiciously like the birth order of JR2T’s children, and if you’re a good guy you get to have 3 boys and 1 daughter. Does this mean Fingolfin’s son Argon is actually older than Aredhel?

Poor Orodreth, getting kicked down the family tree so Arafinwë’s family could fit the divine order.

It’s really fascinating the sorts of things that authors incorporate from their lives into their work. To be so happy with your children that it unconsciously becomes the ideal amount of kids your characters should have is a blessed thing.

[nobody-wants-ice-cream]

Everything Wrong With The Umbrella Academy. Episode 7, The Day That Was.

We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals

Run Boy Run

Extra Ordinary

Man on the Moon

Number Five

The Day That Wasn’t

Disclaimer: This is all in good fun! I wanted to do a really nitpicky re-watch of the series and found some really cool and interesting things I didn’t notice before. This is meant to have a Cinema Sins-esque tone. However, I did take off a lot more sins than Cinema Sins would have because I do genuinely like the series and the people that made it possible. So all of the good things got one sin off and all the bad things got one sin added. This is a really long post, so grab some popcorn. If there’s anything that I missed, feel free to add it!

I would also like to add that normally you wouldn’t watch a show this way. I am purposefully looking for mistakes, easter eggs, and other things that we’re not supposed to notice. I am watching not with the goal of entertainment, but for analysis. So most of the things that I sin, I am seeing for the first time.

Also, no I can’t do better. I am in no way qualified to give this level of criticism about anything.

[Look out for the fic challenge at the end! I’m tagging @tehmoonofficial @seven-misfits @princenewton @tua-koffee and anyone else who wants to try it. Tag other people if you would like!]

The Day That Was

The use of “One is the Loneliest Number” by Three Dog Night implies that this is Luther’s birth. I know that that isn’t what they’re trying to convey so this is a very weird song choice. It would be way too on the nose if it was Luther, but it would fit so well. In fact, before Pogo said that it was the culmination of a normal pregnancy, I thought it was Luther when I was first watchin it.Point is, scoring is important. +1

No one is attending to this mother which is why she dies. Seriously, if just one person in that room was with Harold’s mother then any problems would have been noticed far earlier. I know this show likes to kill off women to further the plot, but this one happens to be excessively stupid. +2

There’s a woman in scrubs who doesn’t appear to be sterile in the room. Even Harold’s father is sterile. For those who don’t know, I’m talking about a lack of germs. +1

Harold playing with the Umbrella Academy action figures is adorable and makes sense. However, why the hell would his abusive father buy these for him? Something doesn’t add up. Where did he get these from? Did he steal them? In that case, stealing is bad. Sin still stands. +1

Dr. Terminal better appear in season 2. -1

Ben’s action figure includes the horror. This makes sense, but then how did Ben pose for this? Did he just sort of stand like that and let the sculptor take liberties with what the horror looked like? How were these modeled and designed? +1

“Put those stupid dolls away and go get me a beer” obvious abusive father is obvious. +7

Also, abusive fathers. +7

I didn’t notice that Harold’s house is the same as Leonard’s house when I first watched it because of the change in angle and lighting. This is clever. -1

Has anyone taken a good look at the Klaus action figure? That thing looks ridiculous! +1

Harold stops to look at a comic now and not later when his Dad isn’t demanding a beer. Then again, I am questioning the logic skills of a thirteen-year-old. So this sin is once again for the abusive dick for for not letting Harold be a child. +1

Seriously, where did Harold get all this stuff? Merch is expensive. And so are suit jackets. And tape. And a whole bunch of his supplies. +1

Seance seems pretty popular. Good. I love Klaus. But there is no indication that he did anything during missions, so why do these people love him? Show me his charisma or something? Give young Klaus a scene that shows why the people love him. +1

Are these barriers only there after missions? And if this is normal enough that there are barriers, then why aren’t there more people hounding the academy when Five runs away for example? How famous are these kids? +1

Harold you poor child. He even packed a bag and everything. Reggie is not better than your abusive father. Sin for Harold’s father and for Reggie. +2

No one stops Harold from jumping over the barrier. Not even the other fans saying something like “dude don’t do that”. Nothing. Who is enforcing these barriers? +1

Luther walked out of the car first and now he’s behind Allison. Since when does Luther have Five’s power?+1

Allison looks really uncomfortable. How many grabby fans has this young girl had to deal with? +1

Eden Cupid plays this really well. -1

How many grabby fans has Eden Cupid had to deal with?? +1

Reggie orders Harold behind the barricades. So is it Reggie enforcing it? Or what? +1

If it’s the academy enforcing it through Reggies orders then why didn’t Diego, Klaus, or Ben stop Harold? Or does this not matter because Luther was in front of them? This is confusing. Where is everybody? +1

Reggie is a dick. “You have no power”. Is that really the best way to deal with the situation? A better man may have said something like “You may not have powers but that doesn’t mean you aren't special. Run along now.” But then again, this is the same dick that drugged his daughter because he couldn’t control her powers so yeah. Fuck you, Reggie. +3

In the wide shot, Harold’s suitcase disappeared and some policemen magically appeared out of thin air. +1

Why are all these people laughing at Harold? After what Reggie just said there should be outrage? What the hell, people? +1

Some of these people include grown ass adults. +1

Reggie manhandles Harold and no one questions this. +1

Second hand embarrassment and shame. I really feel for this kid. -1

Where are the little umbrella mounts that the action figures are supposed to be standing on in this establishing shot of Harold’s collection? We see them on the collection in the academy. Is this supposed to imply that Harold stole them? I am confused. +1

We can see a piece of paper that has the words Klaus and Harold written on it in different colored crayon. Set designers, you win this one. -1

Why are the action figures going by their names instead of their hero names? It’s been established based on the posters the people had behind the barricades that “The Seance” and “Spaceboy” exist. So why the real names? If it’s because Harold is desperate for friends then the sin also applies. +1

In a close shot we can see that Harold must have taken those platforms off and glued them to this construction paper based on a weird deformity on Five’s foot. Sin still stands because Harold ruined those. In fact, I’ll add another sin, because this doesn’t explain how he separated them. If it was an exacto knife then sin for letting a child handle that. +1

Harold makes collages of the academy kids faces. Cute and a good set design choice. -1

You can see the moment when Harold decides to kill his father. That is some great acting, Jesse Noah Gruman. -1

You know, for all we rag on Harold for killing his abusive father, there are a surprising amount of fics in which the Hargreeves siblings kill their abusive father. Either we’re cool with killing abusive fathers or we aren’t, fandom. +1

Speaking of, we often use “cool motive, still murder” to describe this scene. But no one has a problem with the amount of people Five killed. +1

Harold got twelve years in jail even though there were signs of abuse. He had a bruise on his face! Any lawyer should have been able to get Harold out of jail. Even a public defender can’t deny this evidence. Harold should have pled guilty and he would have gotten a lighter, if no sentence at all. [I am not a lawyer, do not take this as legal advice. This is based on various crime shows and some law youtube channels. Also, don’t kill people.] +1

Why was Harold following Klaus? Popular theories include wanting to kill him or use him the way he uses Vanya. I am sinning this because it remains unclear. +1

The Leonard/Harold reveal is beautifully executed. This is how you do a plot twist. -1

Reggie refers to Klaus by name and by 00.04 in his journal. Why the inconsistency? If you know his name, why not use it all the time, Reggie? +1

In 2001, the kids were twelve. Reggie locked Klaus in the mausoleum as young as 12 and probably younger if the credit for 8 year old Klaus is anything to go by. +4

Reggie’s notes say that Klaus is resistant to this. No fucking shit, a child is resistant to facing their greatest fears with no support. +4

Title screen is on the umbrella in Reggie’s journal. Classy. -1

Five tosses Allison’s coffee behind him when he’s done with it. This goes back to his Apocalypse days, but you would think that sort of thing was frowned upon in the Commission. Or was really obvious during any missions he had as an assassin. Why is he doing this? +1

At the end of episode 6, Five slurps the coffee but here there is no slurp after “Who the hell is Harold Jenkins?”. +1

Leonard hears Five saying that he [Harold] is responsible for the apocalypse. This does not alarm Leonard in any way and he continues stealing Hargreeves’s action figure. +1

Also, Harold Jenkins happens to be in the academy right now as they’re talking about trying to find him. Choke on that irony. +1

Repeat scene shows no indication that the information Harold just got changed his reactions in any way. You would think that he would show a little fear or something? +1

Five isn’t treating his injury despite the fact that it’s causing him obvious pain and he has access to Grace and an infirmary because plot? They could easily have this chat in the infirmary while Five is getting stitched up. Five has been shown treating his injuries and does seem to possess more than half a brain cell, so not taking care of the shrapnel wound is a weird deviation in his character. +3

Speaking of brain cells, thank goodness Allison has one because she is the one asking relevant questions here. -1

Klaus and Diego are still pissed at Five for getting drunk while Hazel and Cha Cha attacked the mansion. Good job with the consistency in character motivation, writers. -1

“Temps Commission.” Maybe season 2 will give us the Temps Aeternalis. +1

Aidan Gallagher’s delivery is okay, but not stellar. I think it’s the tone that’s off. I think I’m judging him too harshly. This is hard to deliver because it’s an exposition dump seven out of ten episodes in. So this sin goes to the writers for making these paragraphs- not lines, paragraphs- that deliver information the viewer already knows. At this point, cut the scene short or show Vanya and Leonard again so we can skip the second Commission lecture. +1

And the reactions that Diego, Allison, and Luther have are so varied because they have such different levels of understanding. Allison, who knows the least, asks “What do you mean, protect time and space?” This level of info dumping this late is dumb. +1

“I look like a thirteen year old boy.” No you don’t. Real thirteen year olds do not look like fifteen year old Aidan Gallagher. For example, look up what Gallagher looked like when he was actually thirteen. +1

“Klaus talks to the dead” oh so we’re just stating the obvious now. Who wrote this scene? +1

How does Five know Claire’s name? Just one shot of a magazine in his apocalypse bunker was all we needed. The magazine that says Patrick and Claire are doing just fine without Allison would have made perfect sense. +1

If we don’t get Five and Claire meeting at some point istg. Sin until they meet.+1

Once again, Luther the moon and the apocalypse are connected, just not in the way you think. Reggie, you suck. +1

“Klaus you’re with me.” Diego and Klaus make a great team. -1

Five’s face when Klaus says he’s feeling under the weather. Considering Five’s injury, this makes sense for the character. -1

Five gives that look to Klaus. Five, you’re hiding a life threatening wound for no reason. You don’t have room to judge. +1

The old man walk looks ridiculous. Five is so obviously injured and Allison and Luther, who watch as Klaus, Diego, and Five walk away, don’t notice this odd walk. +1

We follow Hazel instead of Cha Cha because their story in this episode isn’t affected by Five’s time travel decision. However, the only part of this story we need is the part at the end of the episode. +1

Diego is driving, Five has shotgun, and Allison is in the back. They totally fought over who would sit where. That scene would have been way more interesting than the Hazel and Cha Cha repeat scene. Also, I kind of want to write about that fight now. You know Five wanted to drive. And that when Diego insisted on driving so he and Allison wouldn’t get in trouble for letting a minor drive or something like that, Allison and Five fought over the passenger's side seat. Well adjusted or not, fighting over that seat is what siblings do. +1

Allison, you could just waltz in there and ask for it. Don’t suggest that plan if you aren’t going to do that. +1

Five’s power or Allison’s power would be very useful, yet Diego choses to get the file himself. This wastes valuable time. And Five is okay with that. +1

Five refers to his powers as “blink” not “jump” which is what the fandom has been calling it. +1

Five has not slept at all in a couple days. And he’s making decisions about the end of the world. +1

Diego “made a call. That’s what a leader does.” But the call he makes is fucking stupid. This is a grab the thing and get out mission. Two people in the academy have powers that would work wonderfully for this type of mission. And they happen to be right there. Even with Allison refusing to use her power, it’s stupid to not have Five just blink in and grab it. Diego is a shitty leader. +1

Beeman just tells Diego that he is the prime suspect in Patch’s murder. This is so dumb on so many levels. Sigh. +1

Beeman has already said shit that would make him lose his job. At this point he’s arguing with Diego to pad the episode’s run time. +1

Whoever did Emmy Raver-Lampman’s makeup for this scene screwed up her brows really bad. Or maybe just her brow highlight is messed up. Or the blending on her eyeshadow. +1

Five is just sort of standing there and leaning against the wall. This is supposed to be another hint that he’s injured but it just looks stupid. +1

Allison’s heartfelt message to Vanya shows remorse and a genuine want for connection. -1

See! This cut where Allison doesn’t explain to Five and Diego who Leonard is because the viewer already knows and this can therefore happen off screen is good! Use this more if you’re going to do episodes like this. -1

Luther turns to alcohol because he doesn’t feel like he has any support. I’m sad now. Poor Luther! -1

And my sympathy disappears when Luther starts choking Klaus. That is some fucking bullshit. +1

I understand that Luther is drunk and not capable of complex decisions right now, but this seems excessively cruel. I think this is on the writers and not necessarily on Luther himself. +1

Why isn’t Ben seeing this? Later on, it’s like Ben didn’t see what Luther did here. This sin makes more sense later on in the episode. +1

Klaus is genuinely trying to make Luther feel better after Luther just choked him. Klaus is a good brother. -1

Klaus suggests going to find Allison. It’s like he knows what happened last episode. Oh, show. And yes, you can argue that Klaus knows that Luther and Allison were close. Then my counter argument would be that Klaus knows Allison is off saving the world. Yes, helping Luther is important, but Klaus can do it. Klaus needs more faith in himself. +1

Luther’s smile when Klaus calls him Number One and starts quoting poetry at him. “O captain, my captain.” -1

This immediately transitions into crying. My poor babies. +1

Klaus attempts to say “that’s not true” but can’t because he knows that Reggie is the type of person to send someone to the moon so he doesn’t have to look at them. Reggie is a dick. +7

Luther looks so lost and broken and sad. Tom Hopper, you asshole. I am actually crying a little bit. I’ll take a sin off because Tom Hopper made me feel emotions. -1

Robert Sheehan is an excellent actor. -1

Luther shoves Klaus out of the way with no regard to where he lands. What if Klaus’s head hit that furniture! +1

The Hazel and Cha Cha scenes would have been stronger if we left them in the last episode. Maybe one or two establishing things to show that they aren't affected by the time change and that’s it. All we needed was the order to not terminate Five and one of the messages. That’s it. +1

Hazel has a birdwatching book which shows that he wants to learn about Agnes’s interests. Cute. -1

They are trying to imply some kind of relationship between Hazel and Cha Cha! Cha Cha having feelings for Hazel doesn’t make sense. +1

“So do most serial killers and mass murderers. I mean look at him” “Thanks.” The delivery of “thanks” always bothered me. It could have used a little more sarcasm. +1

Diego doesn’t wait for Allison or Five to open the door. Nor does he let them offer suggestions. +1

Diego doesn’t even test the doorknob. Dumbass. +1

Diego seems like one of the competent siblings until he does this mission with Five and Allison, who have the family brain cells. This is amusing, but also makes me question the badass Diego moments. +1

If we don’t get more Five and Allison in season 2 imma riot. These characters work so well together. +1 

The way they make fun of Diego together is peak sibling culture. -1

“You need to see this.” Please just stop giving Allison these bullshit lines. +1

Five’s run is weird. He’s lifting his knees really high. This is one of those things that I shouldn’t have noticed. +1

Bottom left poster. Klaus hit the woah sixteen years too early. +1

Harold had time to scratch their faces before going to jail or Leonard did this at some point as an adult. Creep. +1

He also mangled the action figures even further. +1

Five isn’t looking so hot because the plot demands it right now. He was perfectly fine cracking jokes with Allison earlier. +1

Looking closer at the wound, we can see that Five not taking care of it right away is total fucking bullshit. That looks serious and like it could get infected easily. Five, who grew up in an apocalypse, would know to take care of shit like that. If he didn’t then he would have died in the Apocalypse.+1

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Diego would be excellent at cinema sins. +1

Five doesn’t answer this question because the answer is “The writers needed a convenient way to get me out of the picture for a couple hours.” +1

Harold’s father took him fishing. I don’t want to know why. +1

“We don’t have to stay here. We can just get a shitty motel or something.” Or ya know, go back to your apartment, Vanya. Or is Vanya’s apartment like Five’s injury in that it only exists when the plot needs it. +1

Off topic, but why is Vanya talking about chord progressions with her beginner violin student. Chords and violin don’t go together when you first start learning. This is a weird example. +1

Leonard is a manipulative bastard. He knows exactly what to say to make Vanya bend to his will. +1

We aren’t even halfway through the episode and I have been doing this for over two hours. This says a lot about the kinds of sins this episode has. Right now we’re at the end of page 6. +1

Vanya followed Leonard to a cabin in the woods in the middle of nowhere. They’ve known each other for less than a week. I wouldn’t trust some of the people I’ve known for years the way Vanya trusts Leonard. +1

Hazel has known Agnes for less than a week and now he wants to run away with her. +1

Agnes is willing to run away with Hazel despite knowing him for less than a week. +1

Hazel and Agnes are using the “Life is short” thing, which it is, especially with the impending apocalypse, but that doesn’t change that they’ve known each other for less than a week. +1

“Her job’s her life.” so why don’t you show that, show? Cha Cha’s motivations make no sense. +1

Hazel and Agnes theme! I love that piece. -1

The way Hazel is holding her looks really funny. I am amused. -1

Ben pressuring Klaus to help Luther despite all the physical harm Luther did to Klaus. I am sinning this again. Why didn’t Ben see this? Or does he just not care? This is either a sin for the show for not remembering where Ben is or a sin for Ben for not caring about his brother. +1

Ben creates a shadow but he is supposed to be invisible. I don’t think that’s how light works. Is Klaus the only person that can see Ben’s shadow? Is Klaus sober enough that he’s starting to make Ben corporeal? How does this work? +1

Right now if anyone looked in that alley, Klaus would look fucking crazy. +1

The guy walking past doesn’t care that Klaus is talking to nobody right now. +1

“You weren't ready to die violently at a young age” yeah. Seventeen, based on the portraits. Why does Ben’s ghost not look bloody? And why does he look like he’s in his late 20s? Ben should still look seventeen right? If Justin Min, age 29, is meant to be playing a 17 year old, then I have some issues. +1

Can Ben sweat? +1

The “if you were in trouble” line is delivered really well. Nice. -1

Ben’s tough love is more of a pep talk now. I like this version of Ben. He’s a little misguided, but he sort of gets the spirit. Heh spirit, Ben, get it? -1

“We should have taken him to the hospital” Allison would be excellent at cinema sins. +1

“We gotta get the shrapnel out.” Yeah, but that is not priority one right now. Is there any pressure on the wound right now? +1

This repeat scene with Diego and Grace makes sense because it’s at a different time. -1

“Seven bars, three strip joints, and a laundromat.” Why the laundromat? +1

Ben’s shadow is even more pronounced now. +1

Convenient rave girl talking to herself about Luther with a good description is convenient. +1

“Holy Shit” said in unison. Nice. -1

Ben and Klaus wouldn’t know about Luther’s monkey transformation, so the reaction checks out but not the description. Maybe “big” was why they decided to check it out? +1

Rave girl thinks Luther is a furry. This is funny. -1

Luther offers Klaus drugs. That’s nice, I guess. -1

Offering your newly sober brother drugs. +2

Ben is honestly a life coach from hell. “Stay strong don’t give into temptation.” Remember your mantras. Meditate. Drink lots of water. +1

Though, that does make sense. A dead guy would be a shitty life coach. +1

What’s with the weird light on the pill that Klaus threw? Is that a secondary power? Being able to find drugs? +1

No one steps on or trips on Klaus, who is crawling around on the floor in a room full of high/drunk/whatever people. +1

Klaus’s flashbacks. Putting my boy through trauma. +1

Dave turns into the pill because the pill symbolises everything holding Klaus back from summoning Dave. Symbolism. -1

Grace is treating Five’s shrapnel wound in his room instead of the infirmary. +1

“Receptionist at her music school” wait. Vanya has another job teaching music? She has three jobs? How in the hell did she have time to do any of this stuff? +1

Allison’s face when Diego says Luther was right. That was amazing. Emmy Raver-Lampman, you genius. -1

The City has no people around right now other than Diego, Allison, and the cops. +1

“Why would you ask that about me?” because you carry pointy things and throw them into people, Diego. That’s why Allison asks if the police are right about you murdering someone. +1

Allison would be excellent at cinema sins. She reiterated my last point. +1

Why did they send that many cops to go arrest one guy? Did they expect the entire academy to fight them? +1

“You killed a cop, asshole.” Rodriguez did the police academy teach you nothing? You can’t say shit like that to a suspect? +1

Finally, someone reads Diego his Miranda rights. Doing the bare minimum is impressive for these cops. +1

Diego, you edgy bastard. Spitting on the ground? Great. Make these people even more pissed off then they already are. +1

Vanya’s power is mostly destructive and Leonard should know this based on the book. So why is he trying to get her to summon a boat? Or destroy a boat? This doesn’t make any sense. +1

“I watched everything my brothers and sister could do ruin their lives.” The Umbrella Academy in a nutshell. +1

Also, if you saw this, then why the fuck did you want powers, Vanya? +1

“Do I stare really hard? Am I supposed to point my fingers?” Actual conversation Ellen Page had with the director somehow made it into the show. +1

This scene is so underrated. It’s so funny watching the music swell and nothing happen. -1

“I look and I feel ridiculous. I have no idea how they did this stuff with a straight face.” -1

“You are so invested in this.” Yeah, girl. Red flag. +1

Convenient burning not obscuring the words of the “terminate Hazel” message is convenient. +1

Do we really need the repeat of Cha Cha getting the message? +1

Cha Cha doesn’t notice Hazel behind the curtain despite being a trained assassin. This is why Five was the best. +1

Hazel doesn’t kill Cha Cha. +1

Netflix subtitles have Ben saying “Oh shit, Luther” when it’s clearly Klaus saying that line. +1

Klaus’s desire to help his brother is stronger than his need for drugs. -1

For whom the bell tolls? The bell tolls for Klaus. +1

Little Girl on a Bike God takes her lines directly from the comics. -1

She plays the pronoun game with Klaus despite Her being all knowing. Or She does this to be an asshole. +1

The barber shop looks like a little barn from the outside. Clever misdirection. -1

“Nite Owl Barber Shop” -1

“Barber banter may offend” no kidding. With Reggie working there, need I say more. -1

The pictures of Luther, Diego, Reggie, Dave, Five, and possibly young Ben on the wall. -1

Five’s hair looks really dumb in the photo aslkdj;gaf. -1

Artful close up shot of Robert Sheehan’s face. -1

Reggie is a dick. “What in God’s name took you so long?” Maybe he didn’t want to see you, asshole. +1

Was Colm Feore actually shaving Robert Sheehan? +1

I am going to sin Reggie being a dick in advance here so I don’t have to sin every line. +20

Klaus brings up an interesting point. How did Reggie know about the apocalypse? +1

Klaus is crying when Reggie says that he killed himself to bring them all back together. On some level, Klaus cares for this man. Empathy. -1

Just as Reggie starts to say something important, he disappears because of course he does. If the characters actually spoke to each other about important things then there would be no plot. +1

Klaus was dead and now he’s not. Why didn’t he wake up in the apocalypse? +1

Kenny’s mom sighting. She’s at the rave. +1

Leonard pays these guys to beat him up. Did he also give them a script? +1

Vanya’s powers activate when the rain starts but only become visible when she fears for Leonard’s life. Good choice. -1

Hazel doesn’t kill Cha Cha. Killing her would help him out in so many ways, yet he doesn’t do it. Or remove his tracker. Or her tracker. Or anything. +1

“I’m in love” You’ve known her for a couple days at best. +1

“Wake up and smell the coffee.” This is part of the reason why I headcanon Five’s coffee addiction came from the Commission. +1

Hazel can’t bring himself to kill Cha Cha after she threatens him and the woman he “loves” because of years of friendship in a job he hated? That she loved? I’m confused. +1

Allison is going after Vanya alone. She is going to this cabin in the woods alone. Horror Movie 101, Allison. +1

Now Ben looks concerned. All it took was Klaus’s literal death. +1

Luther and the rave girl are both too high to consent? I don’t like the vibes. +1

Diego is in jail because of his own stupidity. +1

The police didn’t give him back his sling. The man is walking around with a gunshot wound, assholes. +1

The shot of the eye before the camera focuses on Five symbolizes Five putting the apocalypse before everything. -1

Vanya looks so scared in the hospital. Excellent acting. -1

The shot of the eye also reminds us that the eye exists at all which makes the eye reveal more dramatic. -1

Overall Review:

Okay, so if episode 5 is where the viewer truly learns what’s going on, then episode 7 is when everything truly comes together. All the loose plot threads fit themselves together in this episode. In fact, you could argue that the Leonard/Harold eye reveal is the most important reveal after the whole Vanya has powers reveal. The eye makes sense now. 

You know what? I challenge all the fic writers who read this to write a “watching the show” style fic, but only using this episode. Drop this episode on them in the middle of one of the early episodes and then have them try to stop the apocalypse based on it. Tag me when you’ve posted it and/or gift it to cherriesareneat on ao3. I will probably be writing my own version of this at some point. 

There are a ton of great moments in this episode. The important beats being the Harold/Leonard reveal, Five’s injury, Luther at the rave, Klaus’s death, Reggie’s reveal, Vanya’s powers reveal, and the eye reveal. These were mostly well executed with the exception being Five’s injury. 

Also, let me know if you prefer the long sins/short analysis style I’ve been trying out recently. 

Total: 152

Sentence: What is character motivation? Where am I? I am confused.

[feigndglory-blog]

(   this  is  how  i  walk  into  my  house .   )        what’s  up  fuckers  !?          -     i  try  to  be  funny  &  reference  vines  as  much  as  possible  to  seem  Cool  &  Hip .     okay ,  moving  on ,  i’m  loey  &  i’m  just  a  small  town  girl  livin’  in  a  lonely  world .     sadly ,  i  didn’t  take  the  midnight  train  goin’  anywhere .     i’ll  stop  with  the  references  but  i  honestly  can’t  help  myself   --   it’s  1am  while  i’m  writing  this  &  there’s  no  stopping  me  once  i  start  typing .     so  before  this  little  intro  before  the  intro  gets  too  long        (   it  already  has ,   loey ,  you  dumbo .   )        i’d  like  to  tell  you  that     everything  will  be  under  the  cut  !      trigger  warning    :    murder .     &  i  would  like  to  apologize  those  who  are  mobile  because     this  will  probably  be  long     because  i  have  a  lot  to  say  about  my  new  found  love  of  the  portuguese  renaissance  &  the  braganza  house .

☆   ━  ━        OUT  OF  THE  WAY  !      can’t  you  see     TEODÓSIO  I  OF  BRAGANZA ,  the     duke  of  portugal     coming  this  way ?      i  hear  he  is   EDUCATED ,  but  also   SHORT - TEMPERED .     he  seems  to  remind  everyone  of    crumbling architecture ,   the harsh change from black to white ,  &  the faint smell of foreign spices .     hopefully  one  day  he  will  succeed  in  his  ambition  to   travel  across  the  seas  to  go  see  brazil  &  other  foreign  countries ,   but  then  again ,   the  court  is  a  dangerous  place .     one  can  only  hope   HE   will  keep   HIS   head      .  .  .

okay  imma  be  upfront  &  personal  with  y’all  for  like  two  seconds  so  bare  with  me .     i  fucking  love  history .     i  love  everything about  history  ,  well ,  not   EVERYTHING   but  close  enough  to  the  point  where  i  literally  told  my  friend  to  send  me  the  link  to  this  roleplay  when  she  said  it  was  history  based  royalty .     i’ll  have  you  know  that  the  habsburg  family  owns  my  heart  while  the  de  medici  family  owns  my  ass .     &  please ,  keep  in  mind  that  this  is  1am  me  writing  this ,  i  am  not  sound  of  mind .     okay ,  on  with  the  show  &  my  little  precious  baby  named  teodósio .

ABOUT   TEODOSIO  I   SPECIFICALLY

first  thing  out  of  the  gate   :   this  little  shit  is  known  to  be  the   PERSONIFICATION  OF  THE  PORTUGUESE  RENAISSANCE  !     did  you  know  that  ?     because  i  sure  didn’t .

i’m  being  so  serious  right  now  !     like  that  was  his  legacy  &     i’m  so  proud  of  him .

he’s  also  known  as  a   PRINCE   of  the  renaissance

his   full  name  including  the  titles   is   :   dom.  teodósio  i  of  braganza ,  twelfth  count  of  barcelos ,  ninth  count  of  orurém ,  sixth  count  of  arraiolos  &  neiva ,  fifth  duke  of  braganza ,  &  fourth  marquis  of  vila  viçosa .

(   please  don’t  ask  me  why  they  had  to  add  the  numbers  idk   )

he  was  supposed  to  also  be  duke  of  guimarães  but  he  ceded  that  title  to  give  to  his  brother - in - law  infante  duarte  i  aviz  of  portugal        (   who  was  the  sixth  son  of  king  manuel  i  of  portugal  &  maria  of  aragon   )

it  was  for  his  sister’s  dowry

is     in  laws  with  the  holy  roman  emperor  charles  v     which  is  nice  to  know

he’s  a     very  educated ,  scholarly  man     who  much  prefers  sophisticated  talk  to  rumors  &  gossip

(   that  doesn’t  mean  he  won’t  say   NO   to  not  knowing   )

a  patron  of  the  arts

has  a     huge  love    for  painting  &  sculpture

his  favorite  artists  are  jorge  afonso ,  gregorio  lopes ,  &  vasco  fernandes

he  doesn’t  particularly  have  a  favorite  sculptor  so  he’ll  talk  about  a  lot  of  them ,  but  mainly   :   alonso  berruguete  &  donatello

he  does  have  a  short  temper  though .     he  doesn’t  care  for  illogical  decisions  or  those  made  based  on  emotions

which  is  kind  of  a  hypothetical  way  to  thinking  because  he’s  all  for  new ,  higher  ways  of  thinking  &  likes  to  expand  on  it

comes  from  money  &  he  knows  it

also  may   or  may  not   have  pledged  his  allegiance  to  the  king  manuel  i  of  portugal  to  keep  said  wealth  because  that’s  his  uncle  &  teo’s  dad        (   jaime   )        may   or  may  not   have  been  banished  for  a  short  period  of  time  because  jaime’s  dad  was  executed  for  high  treason  against  king  john  ii  of  portugal  then  the  throne  was  passed  to  king  manuel  i  &  demanded  loyalty  from  jaime  in  order  to  restore  the  house  of  braganza

these  things  happen ,  it’s  fine

his  mom        (   leonor  pérez  de  guzmán ,  daughter  of  juan  alfonso  pérez  de  guzmán   )        was  murdered  on  the     suspicion  of  adultery     when  he  was  nine  years  old  so  that’s  nice

*      P E R S O N A L I T Y        :        he  is  a     very  smart  man  ,  he  knows  the  ins  &  outs  of  court  &   uses  it  to  his  advantage  .     he  is  very  educated  in  a  lot  of  ways  &  excels  in  finding  out  how  to  use  someone’s  weakness  against  them .     he’s     very  good  at  not  getting  caught    &  does  cover  up  his  tracks .     he  also  has  a  love  for  the  extravagant  &  richer  side  of  life   :   takes  pride  in  being  surrounded  in  the  most  exquisite  things .     he’s  rather  cheerful  &  talkative ,  enjoys  being  with  others  as  much  as  possible .     teodósio  is     hard  to  cross     but  when  you  do ,  he’s  a  grudge  holder  &  will  be  cold  towards  you .     he  never  forgets  a  face  even  though  he  will  forget  the  name  belonging  to  it .

JUST  A  LITTLE  INFORMATION  ON  THE HOUSE  OF  BRAGANZA

the  most  serene  house  of  braganza      --      coat  of  arms

parent  house   :   portuguese  house  of  burgundy  by  way  of  the  house  of  aviz

founder   :   afonso  i ,  duke  of  braganza

afonso  i  was  the     illegitimate  son     of  king  john  i  of  portugal

his  father  valued  him  a  lot  &  let  him  have  the  title

because  of  this  it  granted  a  high  seat  in  the  portuguese  court

the  braganzas  were     one  of  the  wealthiest  &  most  powerful  noble  houses     of  the  iberian  peninsula

the  house  had  produced  15  portuguese  monarchs  &  4  brazilian  monarchs ,  numerous  consorts  to  various  european  kingdoms ,  &  numerous  other  notable  figures

everyone  who  belonged  in  the  house  grew  up  with  a     very  privileged  life     along  with  a  great  marriage  to  another  high  ranking  noble

in  1640 ,  portugal  was  not  in  the  greatest  of  times  which  caused  a  wide  spread  distrust  towards  the  current  king ,  philip  iii

the  eighth  duke  of  braganza ,  joão  ii ,  made  a  claim  on  the  throne ,  which  was  granted  by  the  nobility  through  his  grandmother  infanta  catarina  of  portugal ,  &  became  king

after  the  accession  the  duchy  became  the     traditional  title     of  the  heir  to  the  throne

in  1808 ,  the  braganzas  transferred  their  royal  court  to  the  state  of  brazil  because  of  the  impending  napoleonic  invasion

and that’s pretty much it for the history of the braganzas .     the rest just gets too far away from the time this roleplay is set so it doesn’t really matter .

this  is  the  end of  teo’s  intro  !     this  took  forever  but  man  i  loved  doing  the  research !     hit  that  heart  button  if  you’d  like  to  plot .     subscribe  if  you  want  to  be  apart  of  the  shitty  writing  &  grandiose  imagery  club .     comment  down  below  if  you ,  too ,  have  had  a  mother  who  was  suspected  of  adultery .