#I am JUST putting combined aspects on them

[superxstarzz]

lord of radiance perhaps? I think your lord redesign would look really cool in that palette and also i kind of imagine this classpect as someone very showy, to the point of using their abilities to literally outshine the sun, but i'm curious how you'd interpret it

oooooh I love that interpretation of it!!! Honestly, I think the lord of radiance could like. rewrite the universe if they really wanted to. madoka kaname type shit yk?? though, that may be more in line with gospel (hopespace)... ahsjsjsb idk I don't think about lord powers too much XP

[moinsbienquekaworu]

I'm sorry I'm going to be insane for a second, avert your eyes

[ceesimz]

Wings (part two)

You return to the Norway National Team. (autistic!reader)

Part One of this little story is here, rest of the Reverie stories are here. @pickledwoso definitely saved this fic with their absolutely tremendous mind, so thank you millions once again <3 and i hope everyone's enjoyed these two chapters, thanks for reading :)

You were flying in training. Spectacularly so. 

The football side of it, you hadn’t been concerned about. Football had been your thing all your life, you knew you were good at it and you never shied away from admitting that. 

There was something different this time around, however. Maybe it was the combination of finally being accepted, of feeling happy in all aspects of your life, of having an incredible support system, of finally being nothing but your complete self. You entered the pitch every day, ready to play your heart out to make damn sure you would make it into the squad for the game that was only three days away. Then you stepped off the pitch, knowing full well you left everything you had out there. 

You felt fulfilled. For the first time in… well, honestly? Forever. It was the first time you felt fulfilled. Like, you had achieved all you set out for.

Well, all but one thing.

“Hi, come in! Thanks for dropping by.” 

A conversation with Gemma and her coaching staff was very much needed.

You stepped into her office, which was coolly lit and welcoming. No harsh lights, no unimpressed stares, no judgement. You took a seat across from her, where she sat down in her chair and fixed you with a warm smile. No intimidation, no animosity, no false promises. 

“So, firstly, I must say how happy I am to be having this conversation right now.” She began, and you smiled in slight embarrassment, which she noticed. “And I know you don’t want me to linger on that too long, so we will move on. I just had to let you know.”

“Thank you.” You smiled at her. No discomfort, no anxiety, no fear. Just… nervous excitement.

“I have some things to discuss, entirely at your will. It’s all up to you, alright? There’s no pressure from me.” You nodded, having to disguise a smile at how different this conversation was compared to ones you’d had in the past.

For a couple minutes, you two spent the time catching up together. She checked in with you, asking if there was anything else you needed from her support wise, how you were enjoying your time back. It was all very positive, and motivating. No masking, no resentment, no exclusion. Then the topic you were waiting for came up, and even in the moment when she was talking, you found yourself imagining the joy in Alexia and Ingrid’s voice when you told them the good news that was about to come.

“Now, onto the game coming up. There’s a few ideas me and the staff have been throwing around for the lineup, most of which revolve around you. But we’re not making anything concrete until I know how you feel because I know how big this is for you.” God she was torturing you by delaying it. Just say it. “So, what would you prefer? Do you want to be in the starting lineup? Or come off as a sub? Because we believe you are more than good enough to start from the first whistle. Your performance has been outstanding, both here and at Barcelona, we’re really happy to see it and want you out there. But again, we don’t want to put any pressure on you, I mean you don’t have to play at all if you don’t want to. It’s completely your choice, and I swear by that. You have my word.”

The second you heard that question, you tuned out; your mind was in uproar, for all the right reasons this time. You made it.

“I want to start.” You answered definitively. There wasn’t a shred of doubt in your mind that this was what you wanted.

Walking out for your country again. Establishing yourself to the rest of the world. Showing off on a global stage. Making it clear that your disability did not stop you from achieving everything you set out for. 

Maybe you’d win the next two World Cups, maybe you’d win nothing with the team. That wasn’t your goal, which to some might seem pointless to come back if you didn’t care for winning. For now, your goal was to wear the Norwegian crest with pride and purpose, to do it all for your country. Finally you had the chance, and the second you start rushing into things and getting ahead of yourself is when things go downhill, and you weren’t letting this opportunity and achievement get away from you again.

“Excellent, that’s that then! You’re in.” 

You were in.

You walked out of that office with your head held high. When you got back to one of the rooms hired for downtime, where Ingrid was sat nervously waiting and not really concentrating on the conversations around her, you paused at the door. You glanced around at your teammates and looked at their faces, some new, some old, and you wanted to tell every single one of them. Not just Ingrid. 

Well, Ingrid first, of course. But telling the rest of them afterwards almost sounded just as appealing. 

Then, there was Alexia, who knew you had the meeting that day and sat by her phone the whole time waiting for any sign of life from you, her knee bouncing endlessly as she did so and annoying everybody around her. And when you got a moment to breathe away from the giddy excitement of your fellow national team players, you stepped out to call her. You weren’t expecting her to cry, per say, but it was a welcome surprise to hear her overjoyed laughter turn into quiet sniffles in the span of two seconds.

Nevertheless, that joy had its limits; when you woke up on the day of the game, you were a mess. 

You woke up, rolled out of bed, got yourself ready for the day on autopilot, like you were watching yourself from above. You weren’t in control of anything, not your body or your mind, merely a passenger. In survival mode, almost, to get you through the day. Down at breakfast, not even Heidi’s company could lighten you up. You pushed your food around your plate, taking a bite here and there but not paying attention to anyone or anything, apart from the anxiety balled tight in your chest. 

At the briefing afterwards, you couldn’t take in a word anyone said even if your life depended on it. All you heard was doubts. From yourself, wondering if this was the stupidest thing you’d ever done or if you deserved it. From others, those praying on you to fail because someone with a disorder like yours wasn’t meant for success. From ex-staff members, the same ones that mocked and taunted you at the lowest point of your life. 

The minute the briefing was over, you were up and out of there. Despite the little food you’d eaten, it felt like the contents of your stomach were threatening to come up any second. You rushed to the bathrooms of the hotel, heading over to the sinks and letting the cool marble counter cool your sweaty palms where you gripped the edge under your hands. 

Bleach and posh hand soap mixed to make a harsh, acrid scent that made your head spin. The aircon above was so loud it felt as if it was making its own attack against your ear drums. Lights casting down on you with a laser-like sharpness that stabbed your eyeballs like daggers. 

And in the mirror, you saw a reflection that ashamed you.

How, when you'd spent so long getting back to the national team, had you let yourself get like this. Why were you so worked up? This was something you had worked tirelessly for, now you weren't sure you could do it. So what was the point of everything that you'd done over the last few months, the last few years even?

You’re making things harder for everyone.

If you really wanted to be here, you’d just get on with it.

You’re turning this into a much bigger deal than it is.

Life isn’t fair sometimes, you don’t always get what you want and you need to realise that.

You’re just looking for attention. 

Maybe you weren’t made for the real world.

All these phrases bounced around your head uncontrollably to humble you and put you in your place, their sole purpose being to throw you off track and derail every bit of progress you’d made to get there. It was cruel, but you were used to it. However, that didn’t make it any easier to deal with. If anything it just made you feel worse, because if you were used to it, why couldn’t you stop it? Why couldn’t you tune out and not listen to it? Maybe you weren’t made for the real world after all.

“Oh, sorry, we didn’t know you were in here.”

Frida and Caro stepped in in the midst of your panic. You jumped, not expecting anyone to come in even though it was a public bathroom of a giant hotel, and cleared your throat whilst hastily blinking away the burning sensation of building tears, giving the pair of them a tight-lipped smile. 

“Are you okay?” Caro asked, a furrow to her brow that conveyed her growing concern.

“Mhm.” You nodded and tried to hide your hastened breathing. Frida noticed it instantly. 

“It’s alright if you aren’t. We can leave if you would like to be on your own. Or we can get Ingrid or somebody for you.” She spoke in the softest voice you’d ever heard someone speak. 

“No, you can stay. Thank you.” Both of them heard the tremble to your voice but feigned obliviousness to save you the awkwardness. Not that they didn’t want to help, couldn’t be further from the truth.

“What’s the matter? Is it something we could help with?” Caro leaned casually against the wall, her hands in her pockets as she dropped the question with as little pressure for a response as possible. Frida couldn’t help the worry written across her face but for once it didn’t cause you to cower under the attention.

“The game, I’m just anxious. There is… a lot going on in my mind.” You admitted, not exactly expecting yourself to be so open and honest with them but not regretting it either.

“That’s understandable, it’s been a while and a lot has happened.” Frida reassured you, taking a couple steps closer with a comforting smile on her face. You sighed and turned to lean back against the counter, running your hands over your face and rubbing your eyes.“Are you worried about how you will play? Or how you might handle it? Anything like that?”

“I…” You blew out a deep breath, glancing between the two and noting the welcoming and focused looks on their faces. They were genuinely there to help you, they had no other agenda. Not that you believed they did, you just didn’t have a good track record with past players and staff members. These two, however, were the complete polar opposites of those from the past. “I have some bad memories that are trying to put me off. I know I can play well if I don’t let my anxiety get me to but it’s not working right now. I have a lot of impostor syndrome, basically.”

You described it lightly, barely grazing the surface of your true feelings. The pair of them shared a glance, before Caro shook her head with a smile and headed over to you.

“We are so lucky to have you back, you know? If there’s anyone that belongs in this team, it’s definitely you.” She smirked, standing beside Frida with her arms crossed over chest, exuding a non-faltering belief in you that was hard to argue against. “And if there is anyone here that knows how excellent you are, it is me. How many assists do I have for you at Barça? You’re single-handedly putting me in the running for the Ballon d’OR.”

Hm. That was kinda true.

“Everybody is here for you. You can leave the pitch anytime you want. Or if you line up in the tunnel and decide you don’t want to play, you don’t have to. Whatever you need. But you can do this. We all believe in you, we’re all cheering you on. We’re all by your side no matter what.” The blonde was wise beyond her years each time she spoke, and in an instant you knew she was someone you could trust indefinitely. She didn’t know much about what happened in the past, she wasn’t around for much of it and you kept it under wraps away from anyone else anyway. Yet, she seemed to understand regardless, without having to know or asking you to explain. “You came here to paint over those bad memories. Don’t let them drag you back down, okay? You made it this far, you are more than capable of getting on that pitch and putting on a five-star performance. You have to believe in yourself, that is all. By being here, you’re halfway there, so all that is left to do is get to the stadium, put your shirt on with your name and the badge, and play.” 

Being there, listening to what they had to say, made it nearly impossible to recognise why you were in such a state only a couple minutes earlier. Hearing what Frida had to say, Caro too, it was different to if it was Ingrid in front of you. Not that Ingrid wouldn’t have helped, of course she would have, but having two people that had no obligations tied to you at that point was odd. Odd and borderline fucking euphoric.

It gave you a different perspective, gave you the chance to look at yourself from another viewpoint rather than that of just your girlfriend and best friend over and over again. Two people that didn’t know you very well yet still thought the world of you. How strange.

“Thank you. Thank you both. I really appreciate that.” You mumbled sheepishly, trying to refrain from showing the utter delight coursing through you at the milestone it felt like it was.

“You’ve got this, we know you do. International football won’t know what’s hit it now you’re back.” 

They weren’t wrong. They couldn’t have been more right with everything they said in that bathroom if they tried. 

On the coach journey to the stadium, you were overcome with a strange sense of serenity. You were at peace, calm, focused. You were honed in on the game, hyperfixated on it perhaps. A newfound determination that hadn’t been with you in the bathroom that morning but had been building for the last few months, for the last few years, ever since you stepped away in the first place. 

You stepped off the bus, headphones still firmly in place, and the small gaggle of fans awaiting your team cracked a smile onto your face. That only grew when you spotted a young girl with a Barcelona shirt who lit up at the sight of you, rambling off excitedly to her parents who met her eagerness with bright smiles and wide eyes. You made a mental note to try and find her in the crowd after the game, because without having the foggiest idea of the impact she’d had, the small Norwegian with her blue eyes and brown pig-tailed hair had nearly single-handedly reinforced your sense of belonging within the team. 

As you passed her, you gave her a wave, to which she lit up more, and in her giddiness at having been spotted by you she didn’t even bother asking for a signature. You felt bad at leaving her behind – you never tired of coming across devoted fans, especially ones like her, they were simply a novelty that never wore off – but without wanting to distract yourself from the headspace you’d pulled yourself into, you headed into the stadium with her grinning face in the back of your mind.

Stepping into the locker room, seeing your jersey hung up with your number in blue contrasted on the classic red of the Norway kit, it was… an indescribable feeling. And you took advantage of the moment, where you were the first into the room, by taking a photo, wanting to remember the feeling of it. Your fingers hovered over your phone screen as you thought what to do next, before sending the photo to your family and to Alexia without a second thought. Then you slid your phone into your pocket, took a deep breath in, and headed over to your cubby.

When the rest of the team filed in, some of your teammates in the locker room mistook your intense concentration for apprehension and anxiety, but with a quiet word from Ingrid each time they came over to tell her, they were reassured it was just what you had to do to ensure you got out onto that pitch. 

Every game wasn’t so intense, nine times out of ten you joined in with the feel-good and light-hearted nature of the locker room in Spain, it was a different story with the national team though on this occasion. Future matches after this wouldn’t be the same, this one just felt like the most important one so far on a personal level. After the momentary blip in the bathroom, your mind had switched itself into protection mode; be as detached as possible from the surroundings and stay in your own world, so that nothing could knock the mediocre amount of confidence you had built. That confidence was about as strong as a tower of playing cards, the slightest thing could send it flying, hence your tunnel vision.

You changed into your pre-match kit, you had your necessary discussions with the manager and the staff, and you headed out onto the grass for the warm-up. Music blasted through the stadium and there was a quiet hum of general chatter as the stands filled up, fans littered by the sides of the pitch watching with their banners, the odd few catching your eye. Some had your name on, welcoming you back, which nearly made you stop in your tracks in the middle of the field. 

For some reason, it never occurred to you what the fan response might be. You thought the majority of people, ranging from your own teammates to the rest of the world, wouldn’t really… care. And the ones that did care were for all the wrong reasons. The reception you received was so unexpected. You were speechless at it. Not that you could dwell on it too long then, considering there was a very fast cross approaching the box that had your name on it.

It was a little tricky to find a stream for a Norway game in Spain, but Alexia had her ways and after a few technical difficulties that were solved by one Vicky Lopez, Alexia was left in one of the common rooms of the hotel with her laptop hooked up to the projector. Bean bags scattered the room for a few others to watch the game, some who were up to watch any football match in existence out of love for the game and others who were watching for the sake of you, knowing the importance of a seemingly inconspicuous international game. 

Front and centre with her laptop in front of her ready to solve any further problems, adamant to not miss a single second of the game, was Alexia. Her game was the day after, the greatest twist of fate she could ever ask for, because otherwise she might have simply had to drop out of her own game so she could watch you. To her left was Irene, as well as Mariona on her right. More teammates were scattered behind her, but her attention wasn’t on them.

By the time the warm-up was done, you were well and truly in the zone. You were ready, couldn’t be more ready if you tried. The sounds of your boots against the floor as you made your way back to the locker room was music to your ears, the smell of grass and the way blades of it clung to your boots, socks, skin, it was grounding. 

You’d been doing this since you were a child, the same age as that young fan outside the ground earlier. The feel of your studs digging into the mud below and the rhythm of the sport was second nature. It was peace, it was your safe space. Trying to convince yourself this was just any other game was useless, it was the biggest game of your personal standards so far. You might have won the Champion’s League, might have gotten a quadruple with the club of your dreams. This was different to that. 

This was establishing who you were, to yourself. This was you separating yourself from your team, being your own person and taking something for you. This was an individual achievement that might not make sense to most but meant everything to you. 

The best part of it all? You weren’t nervous or anxious in the slightest.

Not anxious, even when you stood in front of your jersey where it was hung up at your cubby. Even when you changed from your warm-up kit to the shirt that had pride and responsibility entangled in the fibres of it. 

Every match before this, you had been playing with a goal in mind for your team. Instead, there was only one real purpose in mind for an otherwise unimportant game: for you to get through it, for nobody but yourself. You wanted to play well, you wanted to put out a star-stopping performance like you did every time, but if you played like the worst player in the world you wouldn’t really care long as you made it to the final whistle. 

…well, maybe that was a stretch, god only knows what would happen if you ended up scoring a hattrick of own goals or something stupid like that, but the chances of that happening against you dropping a mediocre performance was quite unlikely. 

No matter how you performed, you knew you had a support system behind you that would make you feel like the world was yours, like you were invincible. That’s just how they made you feel on a day to day basis. And it was how you felt when you checked your phone before the final team, to see a long and soppy text from Alexia about how proud she was, how she had tears in her eyes before the whistle had even blew, how she had never felt so much love and pride for another person ever, and so much more that echoed in your mind as you made your way to the tunnel. 

Ingrid lined up behind you, her hand lightly tapping your shoulder to gain your attention. The look on her face was determined, focused, like yours, yet there was an underlying softness in her eyes like she could burst out into sobs any second at the sight of you in front of her, about to play for your country again. Her lips were in a straight, thin line as if she was fighting off the world’s biggest smile, and she held her arms out to offer you a hug whilst not putting any pressure on the invitation. But you couldn’t resist, so you stepped into her arms and momentarily hid your face in her shoulder.

She didn’t speak, didn’t do anything but hug you, a reprieve from everything around that you would remember long into the future. There wasn’t anyone you would rather have at your side, and there especially wasn’t anyone else in the world that deserved to be at your side for such a momentous day than her. 

That last pocket of time before the game started, you closed your eyes and took a second to breathe, step back from the importance of the situation, and remind yourself that no matter what happens, you’ve still hit a milestone you never thought you would again. The outcome of the game was somewhat in your control, as long as you gave it your all, nobody could ask for anything more, and you couldn’t ask for anymore from yourself either. You had faith in yourself, something that previous versions of you never had. And that was the most important takeaway from this whole thing.

When you stepped out onto the grass for the second time that day, this occasion the actual moment you’d been waiting for, you allowed yourself to take in the surroundings and the gravity of the event as you lined up for the national anthems. The second they were over, and you made your rounds with the other team shaking hands, you slipped into that unshakable trance that always overcame you for a game, and got the job done.

—

“You did it, engel.” 

Was there any better sound after a day like the one you’d had?

“You did it, and you scored a goal, and you won the game, and got player of the match.” 

Your girlfriend was right. 

So far though, everything post-match was sort of a blur. In a few days time, when things had calmed and you had time to process things, each little sentimental conversation and congratulation and recognition for what you had achieved, they would all jump out into a clear picture to make up one of the best days of your life. For now however, it was all a little too far out of view. All you had was a concoction of feelings which had settled deep in your chest, a heavy mixture of accomplishment and overwhelm. 

Once the adrenaline and dopamine rush wore off, you were left in a pit of… mental discomfort. Disarray. 

You had built the occasion up so much, but how were you supposed to feel afterwards? What was the expected reaction? 

“I couldn’t stop crying, really. And you looked so happy afterwards too, tell me how you are, tell me all about it. I’m so sad I wasn’t there.” 

Ingrid was sat on the bed beside you as Alexia took up your phone screen, leaning over the balcony of her hotel room back in Spain. Unlike normal, even just their company did little, if anything, to calm your overthinking. 

What you do remember, was getting quite lost in your emotions after the final whistle. You shook hands with the opposing team, you saw Ingrid coming rushing towards you from the bench before she wrapped you up in a tight hug and lifted you off the ground, which was where it all sunk in. Then fast forward to the post-match huddle on the pitch, during which you were made centre of attention and emphatically congratulated for both your performance and personal achievement, and suddenly you were wired. 

The locker room afterwards, all you remembered at that moment of time was it vibrating with energy, with you at the centre of it. The coach ride back too, you were giddy and completely overjoyed at how successful the day had gone, it literally couldn’t have been much better. 

“I’m so proud of you, I don’t know what else to say. But I a-”

And yet, your mind did what it did best, and got the better of you. It twisted and warped the already skewed memory you had to play into your insecurities and downplay the pride of others.

You overestimated their excitement, didn’t you? You imagined something that wasn’t there just to feed into your own wishes, dreams, delusions. None of them were anywhere near as excited for you. It was just. One. Game.

“Do other people feel like this after… playing one game?” 

Both of them looked at you, utterly perplexed. Alexia was still rambling about how proud she was and Ingrid was on her phone, thanking people on your behalf, when you’d said that out of nowhere. The worst part though, was that you glanced at them like it wasn’t an upsetting question for them to hear. Like you were genuinely asking as a result of the racing thoughts going around your head.

“What do you mean by that?” Ingrid wondered with a frown that matched Alexia’s too. 

The Norwegian next to you looked like she was angry at what she’d heard, you didn’t take it to heart though because she had a tendency to look fairly homicidal when something worried her. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, seemed as if she was on the brink of tears. Her face exuded delicateness, like one more comment might send her crying into her cotton socks, and you had to avert your attention away from the earnesty in her eyes because it might have swayed you into thinking that you were allowed to feel so fulfilled after just one game.

“Everyone else doesn’t get this excited and whatever after one match. It’s a bit… ridiculous and childish, isn’t it.” 

The blonde’s jaw dropped for a moment whilst Ingrid’s clenched in heartbreak and disappointment – not at you, but rather at the fact you couldn’t even enjoy such a milestone.

“No. You aren’t allowed to think like that.” Alexia stated first which caught you and Ingrid by surprise. “Please give her a hug from me.” 

Her request nearly brought a smile to your face despite the self-deprecating habits that ran the show, and you cracked just a little when your best friend did as asked almost immediately. Through the camera, Alexia could see as you settled into it, noticing how you sank into Ingrid like you needed a hug. Not just a brief, congratulatory one that felt almost obligated, but one where somebody you loved embraced you tightly, tight enough to quell the feelings that stirred inside of you. As she watched, however, that realisation of the midfielder slowly faded into how much she needed one from you. How much she desperately wanted to be in Ingrid’s position then.

Once you pulled away, Alexia could already tell part of the weight on your shoulders had been lifted. Not all of it, the rest probably wouldn’t budge until you slept it off when you let your body and mind rest, but still. Progress. And it was all she could do from afar, sending her love in any way that worked. That was something she was still figuring out, and each time you reluctantly had to spend time apart, she got better at it. Of course, as you returned to Norway for the national team, that was the occasion she finally knew best what to do. Because even though she wasn’t there with you, it sure did feel like it. 

“Don’t start undermining yourself now, snuppa. You have nothing to worry about, you’ve done all that you need to do. You should be feeling happy for yourself. Not like this.” Ingrid murmured, loosening her arms when she finished talking to leave a kiss on your forehead. Alexia hummed her agreement, smiling softly when you turned back to her, a small action that filled your heart with adoration and made you blush the tiniest bit. Though, it was still noticed by the Spaniard, who gave a teasing grin once she did.

“You know we are proud of you, and everybody else is too. I know I wasn’t there, but I can bet my life on the fact the team showed you how they felt, no? So why are you thinking that what you feel is not allowed?” She asked, a playful lilt to her voice that proved she wasn’t irritated by your adamance to not celebrate yourself, rather she was more than happy to take on the role of hyping you up until the joy you locked away finally bloomed in full. 

“I don’t know, it’s just… weird. Feels weird for one game to be such a big deal.” 

“No.” A lonesome demand which left no room for argument.

“What do you mean ‘no’ Ale?” You scrunched your nose up at the woman’s peculiar behaviour, meanwhile Ingrid stifled a laugh.

“You can’t think like that. I’m saying no.” She had a smugness to her face that communicated she had some sort of plan going on. Not that you could tell, but Ingrid could. You were the most confused you think you’d ever been in your entire life. Coincidentally, it took away some of the things bearing down on your shoulders since it derailed your mind from its destructive route and pulled you in the opposite direction of the toxicity it so desperately clung onto.

“What are you talking about? You can’t just say no to m-”

“I could tell, even from across the screen, that you were proud of yourself when the game ended. You had a huge smile on your face, one that made me cry. What you’re doing now is trying to fit into what you think everybody else expects from you, but it’s not that at all. We expect you to be happy and proud because you should be. This is not some small achievement, it wasn’t just a game, it was something that plagued you for years and now it’s all in the past because of how strong and determined and brave you are. So, come on, say it for yourself.” She looked at you expectantly, an eyebrow raised as she waited. You were almost certain that outside of the camera frame, she had a hand on her hip as she tapped her against the floor like an impatient train ticketer. 

“Say what?” 

“You know what.” Ingrid glanced at you, letting out a huff of laughter when she saw the unimpressed frown you wore at the coup that had transpired against you. “I know you feel it deep down, you just don’t think you’re allowed to believe and say it. But you are, so say it out loud now to us both.” 

You rolled your eyes and cursed her out under your breath as you shook your head at her antics.

“If you don’t say it, I’m hanging up the call.” Still, you stayed silent for a bit longer. Alexia let out a theatrical sigh, much more exaggerated and dramatic than was necessary. You threw your head back against the pillow and groaned in frustration. “Vale, I am leaving then, goodni-”

“Alright, alright!” You exclaimed with another annoyed sigh. You then said it, but in a reluctant and barely audible mumble. “I’m proud of myself.” 

“Are you? Are you actually?” Alexia’s eyebrow shot up even higher somehow, provoking an honest answer from you instead of a hesitant and disdainful one.

“Yes. I am proud of myself.” 

That time when you spoke, you sounded awfully bashful. For all the right reasons too; a second or so after you finally said it and meant it, there was this warmth that flooded your chest. The realisation that you did feel that way about yourself washed over you and almost took your breath away. 

The old you would have never admitted such an unprecedented thing because feeling proud towards something of your own doing wasn’t a thing, it wasn’t a concept and it certainly wasn’t a possibility. The old you would have shrugged off the praises of others and reminded yourself that success wasn’t an accomplishment, but a necessity. What other choice did you have than to succeed? If you were going to do something, you only did it if you knew you would achieve the outcome you wanted. If there was a possibility that you weren’t, then you didn’t do it, through fear of underwhelming others, and proving to your subconscious that you really were the subpar human both you and the rest of the world thought you were.

Yet, you sat on your bed at a hotel in the capital of your home country with two people that had changed you for the better, having reached something that you never thought you would manage to do again. Not only did you manage it, you flourished whilst doing it. 

So yeah, maybe you were proud of yourself. Because with the pair that celebrated the moment with you, you’d become the person that the younger you, the one that hadn’t yet heard of autism and still had dreams bigger than the universe, always thought you’d be. You’d grown into the example you saw growing up as a teenager but never imagined yourself as due to the limits put on you. The two people with you then had allowed that to happen. They gave you a safe space to exist in, to daydream in and to wish for things bigger and better than you ever had before. They returned the true version of yourself back to you, the one that had been lost for a few years and you felt whole. Rather than clipping your wings, they gave you space to soar. And the version of you as a child that could hardly sleep at night due to being enraptured by your imagination and all the things you wanted to do in the future, she had a sacred space to live in again, back in your heart, as a result of your resilience and the love that surrounded you.

“I’m really proud of myself.” 

Ingrid’s face softened immeasurably as you admitted it wholeheartedly that time, meaning every single syllable of the phrase. Alexia, on the other hand, was grinning like a maniac, however the teasing act she was trying to put on was severely overlooked then when you saw how her eyes glistened in the sunlight that bounced off of the building across from her. It forced the same reaction upon you too, and before you knew it, there was a tear streaking down your cheek. 

“I can’t believe I did it.” You choked out, Ingrid wrapping an arm around your shoulders and pulling you into her. Alexia briefly turned the camera away from her to try and hide how she wiped her own tears, but the sniffles coming from her gave away instantly. It only made you cry more.

“You did do it. We really could not be happier for you.” The dark-haired woman told you sincerely, the pair of you turning to the phone screen when a stifled sob sounded through the room. 

“I’m so happy. I’ve never been happier than I am right now.” 

It was one thing for you and Ingrid to have never seen Alexia like that, in such an emotional state, but it was a big thing for her too. 

To her, it was like from the minute you stepped into her life, everything she felt had increased tenfold in intensity. Every emotion overcame her a hundred times harder than before, she suddenly had especially strong opinions about things she’d never had to think about before you, and she knew for a fact she loved with more conviction than she ever did before. Every aspect of her life was just so… vibrant. And full of life. The way you viewed the world had unknowingly affected how she saw it too, because she genuinely, completely, absolutely believed that it was so much more beautiful through your eyes. 

You taught her how to love, that much she knew. But what she didn’t realise until that moment, was that you had also taught her how to be a better person. A better girlfriend, sister, daughter, friend, human. You had taught her how to be more in tune with herself, more comfortable with who she was. Seeing someone express themself as freely as you did, it made Alexia want to do the same too. So it meant a great deal to her when you mentioned only a few days prior that she was your safe person, because she thought that about you too.

If she thought you were the best person she’d ever met, and you thought the world of her? It gave her, Alexia Putellas, Ballon d’Or winner and World Cup winner, more confidence than anything else in existence could ever do. It gave her more security in showing the emotions she well and truly felt, rather than suppressing them for the sake of others. At the same time, it made her feel comfortable in expressing emotions that were new to her also. Like, for example, not just tearing up at an achievement someone else had got, but sobbing at it. From pride, from love, from admiration, all of that and more.

She felt she was on cloud nine being loved by you. It was the greatest privilege of her life. Seeing the person that she loved and that loved her do something they so desperately wanted to do was indescribable. Every emotion she experienced then were things she didn’t even know she could feel. That was just the effect of being around you; everything out of reach suddenly seemed… possible. 

From that day onwards, she knew she had to make it her mission to remind you what an astounding person you were, even more so than she already had been doing. She had to make sure you knew she loved you in ways she had no idea she could. 

—

Having something that stressed you out to extreme heights go as successful as your first game did, it had an obvious impact on how your daily mood. It was evident to everyone in the way you carried yourself, both to those that knew you well and those that hardly knew you at all.

Walking into breakfast the day after the game, each person in the room could see you held your head higher, you had a smile on your face that never left, and there was just this air about you, this confidence that wasn’t there beforehand. The change was literally night and day. And it uplifted everyone.

With it being a recovery day, the schedule was light compared to a day of training. That meant you had more free time than normal, and whereas previous days that would have made you panic, nothing could shake you out of the bliss you found your mind living in. Rather than shying away from all the suggestions thrown at you of what you could spend the day doing, you relished in it. 

First, you ate breakfast, vafler of course, courtesy of an extra upbeat Heidi, seated with some of the more unfamiliar faces of the group as Ingrid caught up with them. Initially you were quiet, but as the conversation flowed between the table, you found yourself joining with ease. There was an occasion or two where you found yourself overthinking what you wanted to add, but the more time went on, the less that happened. By the end of breakfast a number of days into camp, you’d quite comfortably found solace in each person in the squad. Unlike the past, there wasn’t a single member of both the team and the staff that you felt uncomfortable and unwelcome around. 

You found that, rather quickly, this was becoming a place you wanted to come back to as often as you could. For the people, the sense of belonging and even family, for the home comforts of your country, and for the sheer triumph that had established itself within you. Everything that happened in the past, all the mental scars and the wounds to your self-esteem, were fading away as if they were never there in the first place. 

Not only did it give you a great amount of joy and relief at being with the national team again and adorning the Norway crest, it was healing. In a way you never knew you needed but couldn’t go on without. Even with one match still to go of the camp, you could tell you were a completely new person. You were a new version of yourself, one that you loved most and were proud to be.

“Hey, uh, apparently there is a sight-seeing cruise the staff have booked for anyone that wants to go. A few of us are going, will you come too?” 

It was Frida that had appeared beside you as you stacked your plate on top of the other used ones once you’d finished eating, a hopeful smile on her face because she wanted you to go, you recognised that. She wasn’t asking for the sake of asking, something you would have convinced yourself of in the past.

Was going on a sight-seeing cruise on your agenda when you woke up? No, but it sounded like the perfect way to spend a day where you otherwise had no plans. Of course you wanted to go.

A good few hours of your afternoon were taken up with the spontaneous boat trip that took you around some of Oslo’s fjords on a traditional sailing ship, around half the team coming along and making the day-out a hell of a lot of fun. Drinks were shared, food was eaten, anecdotes were told and jokes were made about anything and everything in between. 

When you planned to come back, you didn’t think it would be this good. You knew that once you got back home, it wasn’t just the achievement you had to take with you and remember forever, it was the memories like that which would live in your heart. There was one instance specifically on the boat where you were sat with some of the team, new faces and old, where you took a second as the others continued to laugh and drink the single glasses of wine they were allowed, in which you could feel the warm crackle of contentment slowly simmering in your chest as you sat with them all. You thrived off of the connection you experienced with others, and there on the boat you recognised how pure and unfiltered what you'd found was. Your mask wasn’t up, you weren’t pretending to be someone you weren’t to try and fit in. 

You appreciated the people you were with much more than they would ever understand, comprehend even. As the thought crossed your mind and the gratitude burned inside you, there was a huge grin on your face you didn’t hide, couldn’t try to if you wanted to, because of how happy you felt. The conversation then wasn’t particularly funny, it wouldn’t explain the size of the smile on your face, but none of them cared. They didn’t point it out and make it the butt of the joke. A few of them noticed and felt themself have the same reaction too, they cared about your joy just as much as everyone else that knew you. Frida saw it too, nudging Ingrid in the process who swore she hadn’t seen a better sight.

You, with friends you’d made on the national team, immersed in the conversation and the banter with no doubts or fears, and a genuine smile on your face. It might not have been a milestone to others, but to her it was one she’d remember on your behalf for as long as her mind would let her.

Near the end of the journey on the way back, you were at the back of the boat away from the dialed-down madness now that the impromptu trip was almost over, you facing the sunset as you left the horizon behind. With the dwindling hours of the day, it’d dropped in temperature, aided by the calm water below and the chill that drifted in the air. You tugged your zipped coat over your chin, hands tucked deep into your pockets with ears so cold they were probably verging on purple. But even then, it was a cold you were used to, a cold that was your home, and it hardly even registered in your mind as you took some time to process what the trip had been and the events of the day before, with your first match back and all. 

Still, you were speechless, unable to make sense of everything. Such huge, almost life-changing things like this, it took a long while for you to fully grasp what you thought of it all. The only thing you could highlight was that it was worth it. So. Worth it.

The way the world worked was funny to you, how life worked out when it seemed least likely to. If you hadn't met Ingrid, you might not have continued playing football, since you met her at such a time where everything felt uninspiring and pointless, just for her to end up restoring the slightest bit of faith that kept you playing. If you hadn’t transferred to Barcelona and stayed in Frankfurt instead, where you’d hit the ceiling of your abilities both professionally and personally, maybe you wouldn’t have ever returned to playing for your country. If you hadn’t met Alexia, you certainly wouldn’t have felt so loved, so content in your safe space to leave your comfort zone, so much more confident with yourself, you just wouldn’t be who you were and where you were now. 

Others could see it too.

“Are you alright?” Frida came to join you, the person you’d got along with best so far in camp, her cheeks a deep red but a warm smile on her face nevertheless.

“Yes, just taking it all in. I have been to Oslo so many times but have never seen it like this.” 

Something you noticed was that Frida’s eyes brightened when she spoke to people. You had no idea it was possible, but it was the truth, it was impossible to deny. Whether it was the way her face exuded glee whenever she smiled, because she didn’t just do it with her mouth but with every muscle in her face, or it was her soul reflecting the light within it, you didn’t know. But by the time you finished speaking, you mirrored her expression.

“Me too. Normally the staff book things for us if we want to do them, but they haven’t done something like this before. I really loved it.” She agreed, to which you nodded easily. There was a slight pause, before she turned to you properly. “I am glad you came. It is nice to see you like this, back here. I’m happy that you are happy, and that you are fitting in. It’s been really nice getting to know you properly.” 

You were just so grateful for how things had worked out for you. Never before had you been so at peace in your life.

“Thank you, Frida. I’ve… I’ve had a lot of fun here. I’m really glad I came.” Somehow, her smile got brighter.

“Me too! Will you come back for the next camp?”

That was something you had spent most of the night before thinking about. And by the time the sun began to rise, you were pretty certain of your answer.

“Yes, I think so.” You answered shyly, to which the blonde haired woman beamed at you. All the more reason to come back.

“Good, otherwise you would have to come to London so I can see you again.” She joked and you laughed in response, but underneath the surface you felt your heart clench at the sentiment. She wanted to see you again. A simple thing to her, treasured thing to you.

“You should come visit Barcelona, the weather is a lot better there.” Frida laughed along with you, as light and as gentle as the way she spoke.

“No, London weather is more like home, Barcelona is too hot for me.” 

All too soon, however, the boat pulled into the harbour and the day had come to an end. Or so you thought – your plan was to have dinner, then spend the rest of the night in your hotel room, coming down from the day. However, your teammates had other things in mind.

“Some of us are going to play cards later, care to join us?” 

The offer from Celin as she skipped to catch up with you was a tantilising one, though it wasn’t in your plan for the evening and you were pretty tired from all the emotions that had ripped through you recently. Despite that, with one look at her and the fact you knew it’d be a fun time, you gave in rather quickly. You nodded, and the forward grinned excitedly before going off to round up some others. 

During the walk back to the hotel, you weren’t convinced it was the right idea for you. You were tired, you were quite mentally exhausted, and any extra socialising might push you over the edge. Fortunately, that wasn’t the case. After eating dinner, a select few of you, including Frida and Ingrid, stayed behind and spent a good hour or so immersed in many intense, highly competitive – because what else would be expected from a group of athletes – card games of different variations. And it didn’t go on too long, the rest were tired and wanted to relax on their own before training the next day with another game in only three days’ time, so it ended up working out perfectly. 

There really wasn’t anything more you could ask for from this whole thing.

—

The second and last game of the camp came and went pretty quick, and it went much the same way as the first. That time, however, you felt settled and calm from the second you woke up. There was no anxiety, no moments of utter blind panic, no doubts. You were focused for the game ahead with no preamble. It was a really, really good sign. One that wasn’t wrong, either, because you had yet another stellar game that Alexia watched with her eyes glued to the screen, except this time when the whistle blew there was a spark of excitement in her chest because that meant she was just one day away from getting to see you again. 

One sleep, one flight, one taxi ride, and you’d be back together again. So despite the MVP award that you’d been given again, all you could think about was arriving at your apartment to find her there and waiting for you. Her flight got in earlier, so she had ample time to go home and refresh herself, then get to your flat by the time you got back, and you just couldn’t wait for it. Reuniting with her after time apart had never felt so meaningful and needed. It had been torture going through the last two weeks without her; being on top of the world but without the person that had got you there was terrible luck. Your phone call with her afterwards was all soft murmurs and giddy declarations for what would soon come, topping off what had been another flawless day in Norway. 

You’d miss the chilly country, but you also missed Spain too. Missed your club, your apartment, the warmer weather, your teammates. All of the above never happened at Frankfurt, as harsh as it sounds. Not that there was warmer weather there exactly, but the point still stands. 

The game finished in the early evening, which left perfect time for there to be a sort of goodbye dinner, the best way to end the camp before everyone went their separate ways back to club football again. It was lowkey, it was heartfelt, and there were a couple occasions you caught yourself looking around the room and reminiscing on what the last fortnight had been. 

A success is what it had been. In all avenues: football, socially, personally. You took the time to acknowledge that it was everyone else in your life that had gotten you there, but you could hear Alexia in the back of your head.

“You did this yourself. All we did was urge you, it was you that took yourself there and woke up each day determined to make it go well. We did nothing really, it was all you, engel.” 

It had always been the most important thing to you to make sure you gave credit to those around who helped you. This time, however, you made the conscious effort to give yourself credit too. It felt incredibly unnatural and embarrassingly forced sometimes, like a cringey motivational podcast, yet you still tried. Initially you shrugged it off. Then, you truly started to take it in. Before you knew it, you were lay in bed on your final night before returning home, letting yourself sink into the mattress and feeling the weight of your effort lift, because it was done. Over. 

Knowing that you had faced something that seemed unexplainably difficult, pushed through the hard moments, and came out of it stronger, wiser, with a better sense of yourself and two matches under your belt, it… felt like you could finally release a deep breath you’d held in for years. The quiet yet powerful realisation that you actually did it kept sleep far out of reach, that wasn’t a surprise, and even though you might have looked a little psychotic lying in a pitch-black room in the middle of the night, you didn’t stifle the smile that forced its way through. You’d worked so hard to feel that pride, you weren’t about to fight it off. 

You let it consume you, not annoyed at the lack of rest, knowing that you were about to go home to your girlfriend who would tackle you into bed at 4pm if necessary to ensure you got the sleep you needed, and she wouldn’t move an inch out of your space for the whole time. Dreamy. 

You couldn’t wait to see her proud face in person, not a lagging phone screen, hearing her ramble with her arms around you rather than over a phone call with a tinny signal. 

Ingrid could sense your excitement from the other side of the hotel room as you both packed your things the morning you were due to leave. She couldn’t help it, she felt the same too. There was a small something hidden away in her backpack she was due to give to you before you went your separate ways, you back to your apartment and Ingrid back to hers. It had been Alexia’s idea, a plan discussed whilst you slept in the next bed over as she spoke in a hushed whisper that Alexia could hardly hear, each time she asked the Norwegian to repeat herself adding to the risk of you waking up. Alas, you didn’t and you were none the wiser to their conniving behaviour.

The duration of the short flight, the dark-haired woman swore she could feel you physically vibrating with excitement in your seat beside her; legs bouncing, hands either wringing together or tapping against your thighs, you pulled out all the stops. The only thing Ingrid could do was smile with amusement, deep down revelling in your clear joy and your carelessness for showing it. And it continued from the flight, to the shuttle to the terminal, to the car ride that dropped you off back home. 

Barcelona was well and truly home. Or, home was just wherever your life with Alexia was.

Your desperate anticipation was entirely all-consuming, to the point where Ingrid had to pull you back by the handle on your backpack to keep you from running off before she got to say goodbye. Well, not a goodbye as such since you’d be seeing each other in a couple days back at the club, and you did live in the same complex, but she still wanted to have a final moment with you to round off the international period.

Her hands landed on your shoulders once you’d entered the elevator together, and her facial features fell into that soft, “I’m about to say something sincere and you’re going to let me say it,” kind of look. She held your gaze for a few long moments as the building floors ticked by, and there was a smile that crinkled her eyes in the corners. Really, she didn’t need to say a word. You saw the unspoken message etched across her whole being: I knew you could do it.

Then, of course, she drew you into one of her usual hugs that had you toeing the line of death due to lack of oxygen, along with a gentle murmur in your ear of Stolt av deg, the combination of your mother tongue and the honesty she spoke it with poking at your tear ducts. The sentimental value of the moment was almost overwhelming, it was all you could do to hug her back like your life depended on it. 

Your dignity was saved by the bell, literally, as the doors opened and the chime to match it went off, alerting you both as you pulled away and Ingrid reached for her backpack. It was her floor, though she wasn’t getting out just yet, to your confusion. Your eyebrows pinched together as she rooted around in her bag for a little while, until she pulled out a small gift bag. 

“This is for you.” She said simply as the elevator doors shut again, though it didn’t go anywhere. “From all of us at camp, but it was Alexia’s idea. She wanted to do something for you. So thank her, okay? She’s in awe of you, as are us all. But her especially.”

And with a quick kiss to your forehead, she was grabbing her suitcase and leaving the elevator. By the time your brain caught up, the doors were already closing again. You stood frozen to the spot for a second or two, cheeks red and your head spinning at the prospect of the gift in your hand, whatever it was you didn’t know yet, before you pressed the button for your floor and the elevator started whirring again.

For the whole journey up – which was about fifteen seconds – you stared at the bag in your hand, staggered by the sudden surprise. This definitely wasn’t on the cards for your return home. Regardless, you realised your heart rate had picked up a little. Whether it was from the gift or the prospect that Alexia was only one closed door away from you as you stepped out the lift, you didn’t care. 

It was a miracle you didn’t run to your door really, though you found that since getting out of the car, your energy had dipped quite an amount. There was only one logical explanation for that; all the exhaustion the past fortnight had caused was catching up to you now that you were soon to be with the one person that you could properly rest with.

You hardly managed one knock at the door, not bothering with your keys, before it swung open to reveal her. You didn’t even catch a glance at her– one second your feet were on the ground, next minute you had a face full of faded blonde hair and a familiar pair of arms around you that lifted you up into the tightest embrace she’d ever given. It was a bit awkward given that you weren’t quite expecting it and you still had your backpack on, but, hoping that your gift wasn’t fragile, you dropped it to the ground and wrapped yourself around her wholly. 

God only knows how long the two of you spent like that, but neither of you were prepared to move for a long while, wanting to drink in each other’s company again. You planned to not pull back until Alexia did, a plan that was entirely scuffed when you heard a quiet sniffle. 

When you leaned back, the picture before you was unexpected, yet made your heart swell.

“Why are you tearing up, Ale?” You asked in a quiet voice, your hands moving up to rest on her cheeks as she linked her own together behind your back.

“Because you are back here with me again. Because you make me proud by being you, and you make me proud to love you.” Her voice trembled with her reply and it made it all the more sweeter. 

That last part about her being proud to love you, just might never leave your mind. Nobody had ever said they were proud to love you, nevermind mean it. You know there were probably some in your life that felt the same way but weren’t too sure how to articulate it, but Alexia did. She always did. You were proud to love her, too. 

“I love you, Alexia. And I missed you so much.” 

After shrugging off your bag, you rushed in for a hug, a proper one this time. One where you ducked your head down and buried your face in her neck as her body enveloped you, the kind you’d craved every morning you woke up and every night before you slept. All you could think then was finally. Finally, the person who’d had the biggest impact on you out of everyone, maybe bar Ingrid, could feel it within you in her arms. The way your shoulders were lighter and your posture stood taller, how it did from the morning after the first game. 

“I love you too. Love you, love you, love you, lo-” You removed your head from her neck, rolled your eyes, and shut her up with a kiss. A cliche, soppy, rom-com movie kind of kiss at the end of the film when the protagonists finally got together. That word again, finally. Except the two of you had said those words probably thousands of times and it never got old.

“That was the longest two weeks of my life, god.” You groaned as you rested your forehead against hers, eyes falling shut as you enjoyed the close proximity to her again. She gave an unreasonably wide grin for such a simple comment, and pulled you closer to her somehow, to the point where any outsiders wouldn’t have a clue where she ended and you began.

“For me too, but it was worth it, no?” The way she proposed the question, you knew it was her last way of properly checking in with you before embedding the two of you in post-success joy, where she could at last go on and on and on forever about the two weeks. You loved it, the way she wanted to know what you were thinking at times she thought you might be covering the truth, without doing it in an oppressive and irritated way. Your answering smile gave you away before you had the chance to think of a reply.

“So worth it.” You told her shyly, watching as her entire demeanour lit up more than it already was before. “How was camp for you? I’ve barely got a word in about it.” 

“No, no, no. Let’s not bring the mood down with that, I just want to forget it.” You frowned, a notion Alexia caught onto instantly as she waved you off, so she distracted you with a comforting kiss to your cheek and a bright smile. “Ingrid gave you the gift, right? Open it now.” 

Making a mental note to revisit that conversation, you let it slide temporarily. You reached down and grabbed the bag again, glancing between that and Alexia’s somewhat nervous face with a questioning look. A slightly accusatory one as well, because there really was no need for her to get a gift after everything she had already done for you.

“What have you done?” You wondered suspiciously, the blonde anxiously chewing her lower lip as she waited for you to see what it was.

“Just… something. For you. From me. And your Norway teammates, and-” 

“Okay, well, quit the anxious rambling and let me open it.” You teased, some of the tension leaving her shoulders with the quiet chuckle she gave.

Never in your life could you have predicted what was waiting for you.

In the world of football, the gift was a common thing for reasons you thought were much more important than the one you were given it for. You didn’t expect to receive one, but you got it, it was right there in your hands.

Your shirt from the first game you played, first match you started, signed by each and every teammate there, along with some staff members like Heidi and Gemma. All of them took the time, under instruction by Ingrid and Alexia, to sign it for you as a token of their respect, their admiration, and their support. Unwithering support, each and every single one of them. Ingrid had nearly cried at the suggestion Alexia made, and the latter woman could cry as she watched you stare at it in disbelief.

“I thought it would be nice if we had it framed and put it on a wall in your apartment. So that you can see it and be reminded of it everyday. You seem to struggle with remembering your strengths and I think this is the biggest example I could get to help you with that. I want you to acknowledge all you have overcome to get here, I want you to see the product of your hard work. Well, this is that. I think. I don’t know. If you don’t agree, then we can, I don’t know, n-”

“Shut up.” 

“Q…qué?” 

“Shut up, Alexia. This is the best thing someone has ever done for me.” 

The midfielder scoffed lightheartedly to brush off the bold statement out of fear of what it might have done to her emotions. She stepped closer again and hugged you, unable to keep herself away from you after so much time apart. And you just fell into her, arms loose around her waist as she placed one of those beautifully soft kisses against your forehead whilst whispering the purest declarations you’d ever heard.

Your emotions, on the other hand, had hit such a height, you weren’t sure what to do with yourself. They’d built up so much that you were frozen by them. The sole thought that escaped through was just… finally.

Finally, you had someone that was proud to love you, someone that would go behind your back and plot from another country the best gift to give you, someone that let you be… you. No mask, no anxiety, no fear of being too much. You had people around you that saw you for who you were rather than what you weren’t, that didn’t care if some traits were different, because, as a product of finally being in a place in life both metaphorically and physically, you didn’t change a thing about yourself.

Finally, you were the person you always set out to be. 

—

i am so, so sorry for how long this took to come out! it's been a time these last few weeks. after i posted part one i had an awful experience with trolls in my inbox and it was the worst thing i've had to deal with, and to be completely honest if it happens again with this one i'm most likely gonna dip out of here for good, i just don't have the energy to deal with that. anyways it was so bizarre writing p1 when i was manically anxious about uni because that part was similar to how i felt then, compared to now with p2 where i'm happy and settled at uni and still riding the wave of relief at how it's worked out there like in this fic. thanks for sticking around and waiting, hope you liked this little story within a story, there will be more to come of reverie hopefully if all goes well :)

[kozachenko]

Don't really have much to post again aside from some more sketching that I've done recently, this time of Reimu and Marisa, mainly because I just need a starting point as to how I would go about drawing them in my style (which is why the poses are so boring lol).

Artist's Notes;

So I mentioned in the last post how I've been wanting to experiment with how I wanted to draw Reimu, and I then got an idea for Marisa. So I wanted to try and contrast the two of them with each other via their shape language and body types. For scale I also put some numbers on the side just as a visualizing aid so I can imagine them easier. I wanted to make Reimu very tall and lanky and Marisa to be short and rounder. Also, this provides some interesting contrast in their shape language, and Marisa ends up being more round and Reimu ends up feeling more sharp.

I think what I'm most worried about is mainly that I don't 100% know if these two drawings still...feel like Reimu and Marisa. MMaybe because I made so many changes to both of them, but I feel like it's mostly in their faces. I kept the little personal touches that would add when I would draw them in the past (i.e. Reimu's tiny eyebrows and Marisa's freckles) but I dunno, maybe it's in the eyes? Like, Marisa's bigger eyes and eyebrows are definitley ideas that I want to play with in the future, but Reimu.... I dunno, I like the idea of her face shape in this drawing specifically, and I defnitely feel like I got closer to the monilid eye look I was trying to achieve in my previous attempt at drawing her eyes, but something still feels off with her.

When I drew Marisa, I really wanted to explore some other ideas for her body type, mainly in contrast to Reimu, so I wanted to give her a fuller figure and make her shorter than Reimu. I do feel like her eyes could be a bit sharper as eyes look maybe a little too innocent for Marisa, but I do still want to use these eyes I drew for her as a springboard for later attempts. I made some adjustments to her dress so that they would look good on the body type I gave her. I also need to draw shoes more because those boots....I just, I don't even know, I probably just need to draw that specific body type more wearing those types of boots or find references because I am not happy with how they turned out. Out of the two of them, Marisa was definitely my favourite to draw. I really enjoying drawing different body types when I get the chance to, and I feel like it's important to try your best to expand your variety when it comes to drawing the human body, I'm glad that I'm comfortable with drawing different body types. I do still have a long ways to go with this as I just need to do it more often and still need to do this but with different body shapes and weights and how to combine those two aspects to create unique body types and silhouettes. Also, please feel free to give me any critiques to how these two designs turned out, I remember that I drew Reimu when it was late at night and spent the entire day on Marisa so I defnitely feel like there's some things to critque here.

I'll be honest... I don't really like how Reimu turned out too much. Not to say it's a bad drawing, but I dunno. I think I just need to draw Reimu more, but she's honestly the hardest character to translate into my style. The thing is, I have an idea for her in my head but I just have a hard time putting it to paper. It's not like I've never drawn her before, in fact, aside from the height I really like how she looked in this piece of fanart (why tf did I make her so short in that piece) I did a while back despite the fact that I've imrpoved on my faces a lot since then (again, I do want to try my lineless style again, I just need to find the chance to do so), maybe because that was the drawing that provided me with some of my ideas on how to draw Reimu in my style? I do think I'm definitely in the rut of the "not knowing how to draw a character's face in your style" phase that I'm sure many fan-artists go through, so with enough drawings I'll get through it eventually, just gotta suffer through several more hours of trial and error though so yipeeeeeeee... As for things I do like, Reimu's hair turned out nicely. I did my usual technique for drawing Reimu's hair and then pasted the lineart layer underneath the main lineart layer and changed the colour to give it some extra pizzaz, and I do like how Reimu and Marisa contrast each other a lot. I just need to find a way to make them feel more like themselves while still taking liberties with their designs in my style.

Even if these are just sketches and me laying the groundwork for how I want to draw these two in the future, I still want to improve how I draw them a lot (also I don't like how much these two look like teenagers, I see both of them as being in their late 20s-early 30s and it just doesn't read like that and I definitely need to do more studies in the future to get them right in my style).

[halfway-happyyy]

would you be able to write girly coming out to frank as bi? :))

combining a couple of asks with this one, so happy reading friends!

though they'd been going steady for a solid six months now, tonight was the first night frank would be spending at her apartment.

she was busy whipping up a quick dinner for them - spaghetti and meatballs, with a spinach salad - when he cleared his throat and asked, "who's this, kid?"

it took her a moment to disengage from the task at hand, but when she did, her breath caught in her throat.

he was staring at the miniscule picture of her and her ex-girlfriend, taped to the front of her fridge. it occurred to her then, that she still hadn't formally come out to frank yet.

she took a deep breath and wiped her damp hands on the front of her linen apron.

"oh," she was at a momentary loss for words. "that is my ex-girlfriend, jules."

the only telltale sign of frank's surprise, was in the arching of his brows.

"I find it to be one of the least-interesting aspects of myself, so I never really think to bring it up, but uh... I'm bisexual, frank."

she didn't realize she'd been holding her breath until she released a huff of pent-up air.

"it can't come as a complete surprise, right? you know... on account of my favourite band being boygenius?" she'd started to ramble now. "I'm sorry, I should have told you sooner."

frank shook his head. "no need to apologize, kid." he scratched nervously at the back of his head before shrugging and murmuring - "I only wish you'd felt comfortable enough with me to tell me from the beginning."

she turned the stove off, and made her way over to where he was, pressing a kiss to his bicep.

"you are by far, the most comfortable i've ever felt with a partner, frank." she reached for his hand, interlocking their fingers. "it's just been a piece of who I am for so long, that I think I just forget, sometimes."

silence settled like fine dust between them before she said anything else.

"does it bother you? that i've been with women?"

frank frowned as if to say - no, why on earth would that bother me? - before shaking his head. "not at all."

she cleared her throat, and nodded somewhat triumphantly. "good, then as long as we're honest with one another, I have another confession to make..."

frank's concern didn't rear it's head until just then.

"go on, then."

she tried to ignore the blush warming in her cheeks. "remember that dream I had a couple of weeks ago? where you said I was moaning, and squirming around a lot? and I said that it was just a bad dream?"

frank's gaze narrowed in suspicion before he eventually nodded his head.

"well, it was actually a saucy dream, starring the page portion of nelson, murdock, and page..."

she swore she saw his pupils dilate at the implication of it all.

"you had a sex dream about karen page?"

she wedged her bottom lip between her teeth, and nodded her head in silent confirmation.

"jesus," he cursed under his breath. "that's so damn hot."

she rolled her eyes and sauntered back to the stove, giving her sauce a quick stir.

"you need to take that to your grave, castle." she shook the wooden spoon in his direction, as if by some miracle, that act in itself would put the fear of god in him.

he simply scoffed. "not bloody likely, kid. I think you and karen have a bit more in common with each other than you think."

[lavenderhateswritting]

Hi I just came across your post about divorced BatDad Reader! And Im absolutely in love! I was wondering do you think BatDad Reader! Would ever start dating again? If so I would love to read your ideas, if not I would also love read about what you have in mind instead. Love your writing btw

Sincerely, Anonymous

Thank you so much. I'm glad people are loving this as much as I am because god knows I'm obsessed

I believe that there is a possibility of BatDad Reader and Bruce getting back together, but it would require changes to his and Bruce's lifestyles that I just don't think Bruce would ever do.

I hope it comes across in the other fics I've written that I think Batdad and Bruce are like madly in love with each other. They work well together and for what its worth they do care deeply about eachother. The issue is that Bruce's unfaithfulness and complete and total dedication to his cause combined with BatDads tendency to forgive Bruce and not push him to be different and his own low self esteem create a situation where getting back together even though they love eachother is just not a good idea.

I also believe that a large part of them staying divorced is that BatDad has begun to take the steps to center himself in his own life and I think getting back with Bruce would require Bruce to go to therapy or BatDad to stop going and start putting his wants on the back burner again.

Bruce is a very haunted man and often we see him needing the pain he has to be expelled through violent means. I think the idea that this drive that has caused him to save so many people has damaged his personal relationships so badly never really hits him as something that needs to change. He has also spent so much of his life using Batman as a way of coping and he does not seem self aware enough to recon with what it would mean to cope better.

That's not to even mention his infadelity that I believe are caused by a number of issues the first being that Bruce enjoys the dangerous aspect of his job and life and the people he cheats on you with all give him that satisfaction. He's such a control freak that he sort of tries his hardest to corral your life and relationships while going after any person who gives him the rush of instability you just don't.

(I do want to write some headcannons about Bruce and BatDad while they were in a relationship because I think to a degree we see him being a bit possesive and constantly scared of you cheating and he tries to control that aspect of your life)

I could see a world in which Bruce decides that his behavior is taking from him everything that makes life worth living. I could see him deciding that the behaviors that pushed you away have gone on for too long and he needs to be different and then him drawing you back in as he changes and gets better.

Though I could also imagine him telling you to come back and saying that he will change only to not do that and you either permanetly cut him off or you just completly collapse in on yourself in the relationship and pretend like his actions don't hurt you.

Through all of this though he is completly obssesed with replaying your relationship and going over it with a fine tooth comb. He looks for every breaking point and every instance that proved that you were pulling away from him. He also invades your privacy. A lot. I think he actual bursts a blood vessel if you start dating again.

[perotovar]

A Writing Challenge from August 1st - September 21st

"Erin, what is Frith?"

Frith, is an Old Norse term, typically used among friends and kinsmen, that would often be used in a diplomatic way to bring peace.

Or, more plainly, “a mutual agreement to avoid causing each other physical, emotional, or mental harm, and to avoid negatively affecting each other’s honor, worth, and luck.”

This is meant to be a long-lasting agreement among those that take part.

Now, I’ve spent a decent amount of time to know, in this fandom, that that could very well be wishful thinking, but I’m choosing to stay positive here. It’s no secret that there have been things happening lately that are less than stellar, to put it mildly.

But I’m not here to talk about that.

I’m here to have fun and be creative so that’s what we’re going to do!

I’ve had this idea brewing for several months, and it’s a subject matter that’s very near and dear to my heart. In my personal life, I’m a practicing Norse Pagan. For those that are unfamiliar, I like to describe it as worshiping the Old Ones. I follow the teachings of the Norse Gods.

Why am I telling you this? Well, since this is something that’s so close to me, and we’re all here as fans of one Pedro Pascal and his work, I figured why not combine the two? Initially, the goal was to write all these fics myself, but when I discovered just how exhausting and time-consuming that would be, I decided to include all of you!

I failed to do a follower milestone to thank you all and celebrate, so take this as my thank you for sticking around here and showing support to my fics and gifs.

Alright, so how is this going to work?

huge shoutout to @scenaaario and @kedsandtubesocks for all your help on this you lovely humans ♥

Another important aspect of Heathenry (Norse Paganism) is reciprocity. “Gifts given for gifts received.” So, you all wouldn’t just be giving me a bunch of fics to read. I’ve made something for those of you who will participate as well. This is an equal exchange.

I’ve paired up several of the PPCU with Norse Gods and made moodboards for each of them. I have reasons for matching them up the way I have, and I’ll go into more detail as to why later.

So, yes, this is a writing challenge at its core, but it’s also a way for me to show a little peace of myself with you all and for us all to be creative and have fun! Maybe you’ll step out of your comfort zone a little and that’s okay!

There is an expectation that something will be written/received, so if you don’t think you’ll be able to participate, that’s totally okay. There’s no pressure at all, and I appreciate any support or boosting to get to those that would like to!

Okay, enough of all that, which Gods have I chosen to match up with the Boys?

I’m glad you asked! Matching up traits and personalities was really fun, and really challenging. Nothing is a 1:1 match, but that’s okay. Nothing is supposed to be, and that’s where some of the challenge may come in.

For those that are participating in the challenge, you’ll send me an ask declaring which God/Pedro Boy you’d like to write. In return, and my part of the reciprocity, you’ll receive a moodboard to use for your fic, and a little blurb telling you a little more about the God and why I’ve chosen that character to pair them with. I’m hoping some of them will be a little obvious, but I’m aware not everyone is as familiar with the Gods as I am.

There are only 14 slots and therefore only 14 moodboards made, so once someone has been claimed, that’s it. As much as I’d love to have even more people participate, I don’t think I can make that many things lol.

If you’d still like to contribute somehow, I’m open to any questions you may have about the Gods (and maybe how the boys relate), because I’m a big ol’ nerd and love talking about this shit.

So, who’s who?

Maxwell Lord – Odin [Óðinn] (The All-Father and God of wisdom, magic, war, death, but also cunning and trickery.) claimed by @missredherring

Pero Tovar – Thor [Þórr] (God of thunder, lightning, sacred groves and trees, strength, and the protection of humankind.) claimed by @morallyinept

Max Phillips – Loki (The Trickster God of mischief and chaos.) claimed by @qveerthe0ry

Oberyn Martell – Freyja (Goddess of love, sensuality, sex, passion, war, and magic.) claimed by @guiltyasdave

Javier Peña – Freyr (God of fertility, harvests, and peace.) claimed by @almostfoxglove

Ezra – Týr (God of victory, law, and justice.) claimed by @marisferasiop

Marcus Moreno – Frigg (Goddess of domestic life, marriage, and maternal energy.) claimed by @joelalorian

Joel Miller – Hel (Goddess of death and guide to the underworld.) claimed by @beefrobeefcal

Dieter Bravo – Bragi (God of poetry, oral traditions, and the Skaldic Poet of the Aesir.) claimed by @schnarfer

Javi Gutierrez – Baldr (God of light and purity.) claimed by @morallyinept

Dave York – Vidar [Víðarr] (The Silent God of vengeance.) claimed by @kedsandtubesocks

Din Djarin – Heimdall [Heimdallr] (Gatekeeper of Asgard, the gods’ stronghold within Valhalla. God of guardianship, vigilance, and protection.) claimed by @djarinmuse

Frankie Morales – Skadi [Skaði] (Goddess of winter, skiing, bow-hunting, and mountains.) claimed by @agentmarcuspike

Jack “Agent Whiskey” Daniels – Ægir (Brewmaster of the sea.) claimed by @lotusbxtch

extras:

Marcus Pike – Idun [Iðunn] (Goddess of eternal youth and sacred apples.) claimed by @gasolinerainbowpuddles

Silva – Ymir (First being in existence and the reason for the creation of Earth.) claimed by @yopossum

Santiago Garcia – Fenrir (Most famous of all the wolves in Norse Mythology and the bringer of Ragnarok.) claimed by @for-a-longlongtime

There are no rules for your fic itself. You can write whatever and however much you want. All I ask is that some aspects of the Gods stay intact, otherwise this would just be any old writing challenge.

I wanna see you guys get creative with what the Gods offer. How are they speaking to you? What energy/vibes are you getting off of them? Run with it.

Now, I’m posting this the day before Lammas, the Pagan holiday that often takes place in the Summer, August 1st. I think it would round out the summer nicely if everything gets published around Mabon, September 21st, the holiday that celebrates the Fall equinox.

That gives everyone almost two months to write their stories. I’m hoping that’s a decent time? If it’s not, I’m not picky and typically run on Pagan Standard Time, so if it’ll take you a little longer, just let me know and it’ll probably be fine.

Thank you for sticking with my ramble, and I wish you all gọ̄der hēle (good luck)!

And remember, have fun!

[loveforthefeminineenergy]

Where You Will Meet With Your Future Spouse?💚💥😎

Welcome to the Love For The Feminine🦋

Where you will meet with your future spouse?💚💥😎

............... Love For The Feminine 🦋 ..................

💚Pile 1:

I am feeling, you are reaching a point in your life when you just want to move, change location, change your hair style, or just have a vacation for yourself. I am feeling this, I had enough get me out of here energy.

So this will be the point, when you want to throw the towel in, an indication for the universe that alright my darling here is your future hubby or wife.

It's like the universe wanted you to finally put your own happiness first and let love in through loving yourself even more by letting go the control of the outcome and whatever was holding you back.

So my lovely reader, your future hubby or wife, it's a very free-spirited person and the reason why the two of you did not meet yet is because the lesson needed to be learned and you my lovely needed to be free-spirited as well in every aspect of your life.

Let's go with the meeting:

You are feeling your best self. You look good, you smell wonderful and your energy is very expensive and radiates like the sun. This is how you are going to be in the same physical place as your future spouse.

Your person might be in a little bit of trouble holding themselves back because they will be the one who will spot you in the crowd. So I am feeling this can be a place where is multiple people enjoying their time. Like a wedding, a party, a gathering. They will look good too. Exactly what is good for you. The flavour of this person will be for your liking that's for sure.

They are like a smooth criminal 😜 Maybe they like Michael Jackson as well. They have a charisma, charm which is combined with passion so they are ready to sweep you off from your feet.

You two will talk a lot and flirt. Very naughty, and also very exciting conversation will be between the two of you.

The energy is rising and you just feeling the chemistry and the vibe between the of you.

So how the night goes it's for you to decided, because yes they are charming but they are a gentleman or a lady.

They will be very cautious and curious about you because they never saw you before.

So this place can be very new to you.

A new location as I mentioned in the beginning can be significant here. A new bar, a restaurant, a coffee shop, or a party place in the town or in the city. This can be in a hotel as well, especially if you are planning to treat yourself with a lovely vacation.

You will be in the centre of your own world and this person would like to join in it. So my lovely be prepared to receive this beautiful connection.

Thank you for reading it and if you would like to connect with me for more lovely future spouse readings here is my pick a card love readings playlist from my YouTube channel⤵

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiGOuA7G-QJL5e7FfwEhUnuiQDc8-ihPd

For all kinds of channelled messages⤵

https://youtube.com/@loveforthefeminineenergy?si=PdUFUSigqc4QiebG

Also you can book a private reading with me⤵

https://buymeacoffee.com/loveforthefeminineenergy/extras

More 18+ content on my Patreon Membership as well⤵

https://www.patreon.com/loveforthefeminineenergy

TikTok ⤵

https://www.tiktok.com/@loveforthefeminineenergy?_t=8sIfdDNC3Yf&_r=1

............... Love For The Feminine 🦋 ..................

💥Pile 2:

I have a feeling this pile is for the LGBTQ community.

So my lovely, if this is what you are looking for than this pile is for you.

So how you are going to meet with this person will be similar to the feeling that nothing is a coincidence.

I am feeling that how the two of you will meet it will be through another person.

This can be your friend or their friend.

It's like you are going out with your friend to somewhere or meeting up and somehow you will be introduced to your lover by them.

It's like you are going to meet with someone who can be a new person and will be your best friend and this is how you two will meet through that best friend of yourself who is the part of your soul tribe or you already have a bestie and this is how the two of you will meet.

There is a third person who knows the both of you and what's the best. So the intention is very loving and nurturing.

From the both of your energies, I am going to be honest I am feeling that you two went through a lots of heartbreaks. So that's why this beautiful mutual friend of the two of you will be a bridge for the both you to find love again. It's like the universe will send the person aka Cupid towards the both of you.

I got a very nice download also that this person can be actual a sister or a brother of someone and first you will meet this person's sibling or cousin even. This can be that they are already family related or they already know each other and that they are from the same soul tribe.

So many interesting insights in your reading. And nothing is a coincidence. I love how we are going back to the beginning. Like a full circle moment here. Yes, this is what I am feeling for you, that you will feel that when the two of you will meet it's like a homecoming.

You will feel it in your soul that this is your person my lovely and they will feel it too. 😉

Thank you for reading it and if you would like to connect with me for more lovely future spouse readings here is my pick a card love readings playlist from my YouTube channel⤵

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiGOuA7G-QJL5e7FfwEhUnuiQDc8-ihPd

For all kinds of channelled messages⤵

https://youtube.com/@loveforthefeminineenergy?si=PdUFUSigqc4QiebG

Also you can book a private reading with me⤵

https://buymeacoffee.com/loveforthefeminineenergy/extras

More 18+ content on my Patreon Membership as well⤵

https://www.patreon.com/loveforthefeminineenergy

TikTok ⤵

https://www.tiktok.com/@loveforthefeminineenergy?_t=8sIfdDNC3Yf&_r=1

............... Love For The Feminine 🦋 ..................

😎Pile 3:

Let's start with one thing that you might going to meet with your future love when you are still in a relationship with someone. This can be that you are on the process of the a breakup or this person will be a last push for you to be single again, because you are going to catch feelings for this person and you would like to play it nicely and you are keeping your distance from your future love because you need to figure out and end the relationship what you are in.

I am not saying that your future love will be a rebound for you after you had a breakup. No! This will be just a sign for you that you are no longer feeling the same spark with that person who you were with before.

If you are not in a relationship or this person will be your first one, because I am sensing a virgin vibe from here as well, that it can be through out your dating phase you are going to meet with the one who will show it to you and make you feel feelings what you never felt before.

This can be even that you already meet with your future spouse but you were very focused on your lover at that time and did not really payed attention to other people which is why I wrote it here that loyalty is important for you and for your future spouse as well. So before anything happening you will close the door behind you before opening a new one.

Very mutual and thoughtful process this whole finding love for you.

This can be even that you were engaged or married before or you are on the process of it to divorce.

Fly like a bird. This is what I heard. Also I am feeling this can be online meeting as well. That you two will swipe on each other on a dating app, or write on each other social media platform.

Something very mysterious with your pile 3 is here for me.

This can be that you will not share it with this person at first that you are divorced or you went through a break up. Or you will think that is this person single or not? This can be even that your future spouse will be like a mystery to you.

Because I am feeling something with not showing the full picture just yet, because we are taking it slow. So this can be even that the two of you not even seeing each other in the physical at first because it will be long distance and after just a few months the two of you will be in the same location.

Interesting this can be even that someone will help out the other person by giving some kind of advice.

So this meeting and the setting can be very professional as well. Like you have a carrier where you are giving advice, guidance to people or your future love dovely.

So my lovely this is for you.

Thank you for reading it and if you would like to connect with me for more lovely future spouse readings here is my pick a card love readings playlist from my YouTube channel⤵

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLiGOuA7G-QJL5e7FfwEhUnuiQDc8-ihPd

For all kinds of channelled messages⤵

https://youtube.com/@loveforthefeminineenergy?si=PdUFUSigqc4QiebG

Also you can book a private reading with me⤵

https://buymeacoffee.com/loveforthefeminineenergy/extras

More 18+ content on my Patreon Membership as well⤵

https://www.patreon.com/loveforthefeminineenergy

TikTok ⤵

https://www.tiktok.com/@loveforthefeminineenergy?_t=8sIfdDNC3Yf&_r=1

[theorganasolo]

2024 Fic Rec List

I know I'm late (sorry friends) but wanted to do my end of year shout out to my favorite fics I've read! Most of these will be for Javi P because he's my beloved but onward we go!

Learning to Live by @wheresarizona Arizona, bestie, I love love love seeing how much this fic has grown and where you have taken Javi and Cielito over the years. You GET Javi so much and it comes across in your writing, very well. I appreciate every snippet you have texted me about these two - and I treasure our friendship as well <3

It's Never Too Late and Forever and Always by @javierpena-inatacvest MADELINE you have created such an amazing universe with these two stories! As a midwest girly who loves the Blackhawks (even if they suck) and Javier Peña it's so easy to put myself in reader's shoes - thank you for feeding me with the breeding kink in all your fics haha

Hubby and Wife by @notjustjavierpena - I really cherish every update you give in this universe! Every time I go I the javier peña x reader tag and see an update I get so excited! Love seeing Javi get the big family he deserves. I find myself rereading so many of the installments

Worth The Wait by @kteague K I constantly come back to this series so many times, it just hits so good, and I love the latest installment you gave us this year! Love these two so much!

First Anniversary by @wildemaven Heidi I love Poppy and Dieter so much! And this update on the pair of them was so sweet, I LOVE the interview format that you did, it was really unique <3

A Litany of Lethe by @kiwisbell I remember reading this at work at my jaw just dropping over how beautiful it is, you wrote Javi's turmoil SO well here - I really hope you write more for him because you just GET who he is.

Pump by @morallyinept First off let me just say you are SO talented for making this as hot as it is and it actually doesn't have that much smut! I love for the vivd description's of the man's dick so thank you for feeing my horniness

Spiaggia, amore e limone by @thundermartini - You gave me the dream of vacationing with Javi in Italy, this was such a joy to read!!

Firsts and When In Positano by @honeyedmiller You write Javi so so so well! When In Positano sent me to the moon in back with the honeymoon in Italy PLUS the baby making, I remember reading this several times <3

Tastes So Sweet by @jolapeno - When I say this DID THINGS TO ME when I read it (and then reread and reread it). Honestly your whole javi master list is amazing <3

The Hostage by @javier-pena - This was SO good! You really wrote the tension so well in this fic and it inspired me to read News of a Kidnapping. (also I literally am the most annoying in your notes reblogging your javi gifs every day so thanks for putting up with that aha)

Hummingbird Has Landed by @wardenparker Connie I absolutely adore your Soulmate Sunday fics and they really make my Sunday's brighter :) This was so so so fun to read, I loved every aspect of it!

Make Me Sweat by @itsokbbygrl - THIS WAS SO GOOD! The little part about y'all possibly having a baby gave me butterflies

Married Man by @mellowswriting MEL I love your Javi and your writing so so so much! The wedding band kink just GETS ME

Neighbors by @gothcsz When I say this SUCKED ME IN SO FAST, also the angst is literally killing me but you do it so well! Can't wait to see what else is in store here! (also it won't let me link to your story directly so linking to your Masterlist)

Landslide by @frenchiereading - This was so so so cute! I loved seeing Javi with his little family <3

Like Snow on the Beach by @guiltyasdave Combining my two loves of Javier Peña and Taylor Swift. I love the hopeful note this ended on.

Have a Good Night by @punkshort This was such a sweet story and really unique! I loved the flower shop aspect of it all <3

Honey by @yxtkiwiyxt I love the way you write Javi and this was such a fun holiday one shot!

Also want to shout out Maybe Today, Maybe Forever by @hopelikethemoon- Literally in my top 3 Javi fanfics, everyone needs to read this! It's 150 chapters of smut and Javi fluff - the world building is everything

And last but certainly not least a shout out to @manndo for simply being the best <3 - Mel there are literally no words I can put here but I cherish you so much!

[aza-writes]

Right Where You Left Me

Bucky Barnes x reader

Requested: no

Summary: Bucky found his fiance from the 1940s, but she isn't his fiance anymore. 

Warnings: ANGST, use of y/n (ONLY TWICE AND IN PASSING), talks of dementia and religion. 

Inspiration: Right Where You Left Me by Taylor Swift 

A/N: Combining my two favorite things, Bucky Barnes and Taylor Swift. Religion is vague in this btw

Bucky's POV:

She looks so beautiful. So, so beautiful. I imagined her like this so often. 

But I imagined the situation differently. I imagined myself either six feet under or in a bed right next to hers. Our hands touching, or if we could, hop into each other’s beds for the night. 

But that’s all just a fantasy. 

Right now, she’s there, across the hallway. I can barely see into her room, curtains blocking me from her face. All I can see is her hands, her quilted blanket, and her grandson. 

Her grandson.

Her’s

That’s not even the worst part; he’s technically older than me. Or, he looks older than me, aged more than I have. He even has kids of his own, a boy and a girl. 

She has a great-grandson and a great-granddaughter. 

I want to walk in and see her face, speak to her, but I’m terrified. There are two possible outcomes if I walk in there, and both are paired with an unimaginable heartbreak that hurts to just think about. She could either recognize me or not. If she sees my face and knows who I am, she might hate me. And if she doesn’t, it’ll break me. 

If she recognizes me, I don’t know if she’ll see the good times or the bad. The last time I saw her broke both of us, her more than me. That’s what scares me the most. 

• • • • • •

“Tomorrow?” Her voice cracks. Slow tears fall down her cheeks as she quickly wipes them off. 

It feels like the whole diner is looking at us, but the truth is no one cares. Everyone is so wrapped up in their own shit they don’t care about the couple in the back corner being torn apart by the war; they’re probably worried they’ll have to do the same soon. We’re the future to them. 

I nod and rub my thumb on the back of her free hand. It’s taking every ounce of strength I have to not start tearing up with her. I need to be strong for her. I need to be hopeful for both of us. “I’m so sorry, doll. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.” 

Drafted. Enlisting is one thing, but being drafted is something different. Steve begged me to join him, but I said no. Claiming I would after y/n and I got married at city hall. Even if we were able to follow through with those plans, I wouldn’t be able to leave her. She would’ve kept me here just by waking up next to me. But none of that mattered now. Our future plans would have to be put on hold for a while. 

Her tears pick up the pace, causing a bit of mascara to chase after the tear. She wipes it off then looks at her finger, the black clumping next to her nail. 

“Please don’t cry, darling.” My voice starts to shake, but I push it back. “I’ll be back. I promise I’ll be back.” 

She shakes her and pulls her hands away. “No, no don’t do that.” She wipes her tears again; this time, there weren’t any that followed. “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.” She looks me in the eyes and brings her hands back to mine. “I have two friends already who are widows, and both of their husbands made promises. Promises are bad luck.” 

I nod at her now. I know exactly what she’s talking about. There’s been a lot of letters recently, not from the soldiers but from the government, all starting with, “We regret to inform you” and ending with “Our deepest condolences.” 

“When tomorrow do you leave?” Her voice was quiet but less sad. It was more of a matter-of-fact tone. 

“Early morning.” Early, very early. It's too early to get to the courthouse tomorrow before I have to leave. Too early to get a marriage license. Too early in every aspect of the word. It’s too early to leave her. Too early for anything. 

“Does Steve know?” 

I shake my head again. “No, I’m telling him after this, though.” 

“Are we still going to the Stark Expo tonight?” A small smile creeps up on her face. She’s trying to lighten the mood, and it’s working. I can’t feel anything but pure joy looking at her face. 

“Of course, doll.” 

• • • • • •

The other option is that she doesn’t remember me at all. How would I approach her then? I haven’t gotten the courage to go into her room yet, but her family has to reintroduce themselves every time they go to visit. Their voices stay sad, and every conversation they have is the same. Pleasantries and them updating her on their lives. She doesn’t say much besides a few “oh” and “Is that right?” She never uses their names or asks more questions. I don’t think she would be able to. 

The word “dementia” is thrown around a lot by her nurses. Recently “Lewy body” has been added to it. They also say Alzheimer’s a lot when looking at her charts. That cluster of words is enough to fill me with dread. I want to take all of this away from her. I want her mind to be perfectly sound, I want to be in a hospital bed with her, and I want to be the man who has to keep reintroducing himself as her husband. But I can’t. All I can do is listen to the nurses from a distance. My time for seeing her is running out, it won’t be long before I’ve missed my opportunity. She won’t be around for much longer. 

Her grandson leaves the room while holding his son’s hand, the baby back in the car seat on his arm. Tears are in his eyes, but he’s trying to hide them in front of his kids, not wanting to upset them. 

Through the window, I can still see her hands. She fiddles with the quilt a bit, but they don’t move much. They don’t look like the hands I held years and years ago, but mine don’t look the same either. Scars outline mine just like age does to her’s. 

Is it crazy to think someone’s hands look beautiful? 

A small chime goes off the speakers, indicating that there are ten minutes left in visiting hours. The halls will be cleared soon, medicine will be passed out, and lights will be turned off. 

Ever since I’ve come to visit her in the hospice facility, “soon” has been another word that is thrown around when they mention her. 

She’ll be out of pain soon.

She’ll be reunited with her loved ones soon. 

She’ll be leaving us soon. 

I don’t have any more time to just sit here; “soon” will run out eventually. 

The hallways are almost clear, and the nurses move to their stations and the medicine cabinet to prepare for bedtime. 

This is my chance. My brain doesn’t comprehend what my body is doing when I stalk down the hallway and into the doorway. It wasn’t more than a second before our eyes lock.

Her eyes. Her eyes are still so perfect. They haven’t changed at all. Still soft, bright, and expressive. They have always been so beautiful, so why, at this very moment I’m speechless? I’m sure I’ve seen them over a million times in my life, but they are even better than I remember. Her eyes bring back more memories, ones I was sure were lost forever when Hydra took them. I remember remembering them during my time as the Winter Soldier. They brought me peace then. They’re bringing me peace now, too. They even give me courage. At least enough to look at the rest of her face. 

Her face. The face I was so scared I wasn’t going to recognize was in front of me. Why was I so scared? I couldn’t forget it even if I tried. It’s been decades. Smile, frown, and laugh lines sculpted in, but I feel like they were always supposed to be there. They were mapped out years ago but finally took their rightful place. 

She looks so beautiful. So perfect. 

Her eyes change when she sees me, but there isn’t confusion behind her eyes. There’s relief. 

“We’ll look who it is.” She smiles softly. “I thought you were going to be at work all day.” She removes her blanket and swivels her torso, trying to get out of the bed. She hasn’t been able to move like this in a long time; why is it happening now? 

“You know who I am?” My voice is so quiet, so stuck in the back of my throat that I’m scared I might lose it. 

“James, I know who you are. Not quit messing around and come here.” She giggles and tries to swing her legs to the side of the bed. Her wrist shakingly grabs the railing next to her, the deteriorated muscles using everything they can to pull her out of that bed. Her arms outstretched gently, hands reaching towards me. “Could you help me, Buck?”

I feel like I’m outside my body. Is this even real life? She knows me. Not recognize, knows. I place my hands in hers, too wrapped up in the moment to worry about my arm. Would she notice? Do I care if she notices? No, not really. 

She rubs her thumbs over my hands, something she does to provide comfort. Comfort for what? Does she know what day it is?

“Can you help me out of this bed, Buck? I’m tired of sitting here.” She moves uncomfortably and sighs when she realizes she can’t get up by herself. 

I pull away only for a moment to pull up a chair next to her bed. “I’m sorry, doll, but you need to stay here a bit longer.” I keep my voice quiet, wanting to keep her here at this moment. 

She just nods, her mind too tired to fight with the logic.

“I don’t have to go anymore.” Her eyes go wide; tears fill them and threaten to spill out. “The war is done, and I get to stay here with you.” Her hands go to cover her mouth, a few rouge tears fall from her eyes. 

“Really? Please tell me you’re telling the truth, James. This has to be true.” She moves her hand back down to grasp mine, revealing her hopeful smile. 

“It’s all true. I’m not going anywhere.”  I bring her hand to my lips and softly kiss it. A small, relieved laugh leaves her, and a few more tears come out. 

“C-can we still go to city hall? I want to marry you, Bucky. I don’t want a wedding I want to be married tomorrow.” 

“Of course, darling, of course.” 

• • • • • •

Two days later, I didn’t even have to read the paper. I was met with her eyes one final time…

Sadly, right above it was the title of the column: Obituaries

A/n: Request are open! Look at guidelines and taglist info😚

[lurkingshan]

Japanese QL Corner

Counting my blessings this week as these current shows continue to absolutely kill it. These are all streaming on Gaga or provided via fansub (feel free to ask if you don’t know where to find them).

Our Youth

This week we were treated to a series of relationship negotiation conversations, several scenes so charged with tension and meaning that I am still not done processing, and a metaphor that just about knocked me out. Hirukawa can see through Minase's weak protests and just keeps putting himself near him, and now with Minase's parents likely divorcing and his impending departure abroad, he feels like he has nothing to lose, so he may as well give in to his desires. I am attuned to the pacing so I assume within the next two eps we will be wrapping up this high school backstory (brace yourselves for the horrors) and then going back to the present to see how they come back together as adults. I can't wait; this show is just killing it.

Love is Like a Poison

We begin this week's ep with the sweet smell of vindication, because as I thought, Haruto did not leave Shiba. He simply put his ring safely away and went out on a mission. Our Battle Couple continues to thrive! After another terrible encounter with his father (another strong contender for worst dad in BL), Haruto comes home and finally comes clean about the last of his secrets with encouragement from Shiba. His backstory is just as sad and horrifying as expected, and all the details of how he approached Shiba come together seamlessly now that we know he's been seeking help to avenge his mom this whole time. As a cherry on top, Shiba's bestie backs him up with the boss, and now the whole squad is geared up to take that man down.

Love in the Air Koi

CW: abuse, intimate partner violence, sexual assault

This week we transitioned from Arashi and Rei's happy coupledom to the beginning of Kai and Fuma's love story, with the flashback to their first encounter and an efficient presentation of Kai's harrowing backstory. I appreciate that this show did not flinch away from the ugliness of Kai's history, but also didn't dwell unnecessarily in the trauma. I am also noting the absence of the first kidnapping plot from the original drama--I assume this version will be combining Rei and Kai's abductions into one event toward the end of the show, which for me is an extremely welcome change. Nagatsuma Reo is really solid in portraying Kai's trauma and the intentional distance he keeps in his relationships and the fear and tension warring with his interest in Fuma was well done. Looking forward to their story.

The Fragrance You Inherit

In this episode Sakura and Mone got the chance to reconnect and Sakura finally told her story. It's sad as hell that her devastation over Mone led her to a dubious encounter with a man she doesn't know or like, but at the same time it gave her Toki, who is clearly her great joy in life. I'm happy that she got to raise him with the support of a good friend in Ryosuke, if not a partner. Speaking of Toki, it's now clear that he knows about his mom's feeling for Mone, and he is feeling her out to see what she might be willing to tell him. I'm sure he's having a lot of complex feelings, but I didn't get the sense that he's angry with his mother or concerned about his own relationship as much as he is sad that Sakura has kept this huge part of who she is a secret from him. Sakura wants to shield him from things he already understands, and she's too caught up in her own past trauma to recognize that the very fact of queer people existing will not come as a shock to her son. I love that the show seems poised to tackle that generational culture aspect of this conflict alongside the interpersonal dynamics. You can find the show here, with big thanks as always to @isaksbestpillow for providing English subs.

[what-even-is-thiss]

Who’s your favorite daedric prince? (Or Princes! Some people tie!)

I’ll rank them.

16. Molag Bal. Rapist. Don’t need to explain myself.

15. Meridia. Annoying. Against free will. Willingly hung out with Molag Bal. Isn’t on board with necromancy though so that’s fine

14. Hermaeus Mora. Has a cool lovecraftian vibe but he won’t leave me alone. Stop following me.

13. Mehrunes Dagon. Tried to invade Tamriel. Generally has rancid vibes.

12. Boethia. Hates the weak. Generally kind of a bitch. Genderfluid though so that’s fun.

11. Sanguine. Seems cool at first but I would not leave my drink unattended at one of his parties.

10. Clavicus Vile. Kind of a stupid man child that tries to trick you on purpose but he has a talking dog and helps you get better at talking to people so that moves him up on the list

9. Mephala. The only reason she’s not further down on this list is because she’s associated with the dunmer and I like the dunmer. Her blade isn’t that good. I killed all my friends for nothing.

8. Hircine. What is there to say about Hircine? Perfectly middle of the road kind of Daedra tbh. He’s a god of the hunt and encompasses all good and bad aspects of that.

7. Namira. I don’t enjoy the cannibalism part but I can vibe with making a god out of the rot and darkness of the world. That’s pretty cool. Her ring was pretty good in oblivion also.

6. Nocturnal. *shakes nocturnal by the shoulders* What do you want? What do you want? What is your problem, lady? Why do you let so many people steal from you?

5. Peryite. Probably the most underrated one. Yeah he’s a god of disease but he mostly keeps to himself and is more of a force of nature than a malevolent presence

4. Vaermina. I kinda vibe with the whole horrible nightmares thing like go off have a surrealist realm of oblivion that changes from one second to the next and feeds off of people’s greatest fears I love that for her

3. Sheogorath. I am a mentally ill person and a creative so why wouldn’t I put the god of creativity and madness high on the list? He’s funny and terrifying. Always a good combination.

2. Malacath. He mostly just cares about the orcs and takes care of them. He’s an overly strict dad and kind of violent but he’s still mostly okay.

1. Azura. As long as you tell her how pretty she is she’ll love you back. And she wants you to love yourself. Her main disadvantage is vanity but there are worse things. She’s the most chill of pretty much all of them.

[rwrbficrecs]

i’d take the bomb in your head and disarm it by @henrysfox (book-verse)

@na-dineee: Alex and Henry are students at NYU who randomly become dorm roommates. After a few short weeks of mutual dislike their friendship starts to grow - and could it actually be more ...?! At the end of the story, I was baffled that the two of them could be so completely clueless the whole time?! Then again, who am I to judge when someone settles for half-baked assumptions instead of just mustering up the courage and trying to have an honest conversation?! 😇 The story is so gentle, so angsty and Alex is just so vulnerable and soft - just beautiful and moving!

you are my mountain (you are my sea) by @alasse9 (book-verse)

@na-dineee: Five moments between Alex and Henry, starting with the visit to Alex's childhood home in Texas after Ellen's election victory, a vulnerable moment in the Brownstone, a vacation in Mexico City... This story isn't even close to 10,000 words, but it's so unbelievably powerful - I am still blown away! The author manages to hit on so many interpersonal aspects and delicate vibrations, to formulate soft, tender feelings and thoughts and describes Alex and Henry both so damn considerate and soulful - the author nailed it (imho), it's almost impossible to grasp!

Shatter Me by @historicallysam (book-verse)

@na-dineee: Henry and Alex are still Prince and First Son, some is canon, a lot slightly modified, but: Alex is out, Henry is not. He isn't even sure if he's gay or if he ever wants to acknowledge it - until he meets Alex and falls head over heels. The catch, on top of the homophobic Queen: Henry is engaged, his fiancée lovely, amazing even, and the wedding date is about to be set. How the author weaves together the familiar events and plotlines and their own ideas is brilliant! Not gonna lie: It was (to me) oppressive at times, really angsty - but also highly gripping!

The Consequences (of our Actions) (series) by @anchoredarchangel (book-verse)

@celeritas2997: Alex is just a Regular Guy who just happened to put Prince Henry on his 'No Consequences Sex List' and proceeds to tell him about this when they meet. Lots of sex (like, ridiculously hot sex) and feelings (SO MANY FEELINGS) ensue. I am convinced that Anchor is magic and will continue shouting about this series from the rooftops until the end of days; it is clever, sexy, funny, beautifully written and so, so, so heartfelt. ❤️

@heybuddy-drabbles: I started this when it first started and thought it was just some fun little pwp canon divergence. When I picked it up again, it was a hell of a series. I loved every last bit of it. It goes way into the whole "If cake gate didn't happen, Alex would have made himself a problem for Henry anyway" and he does in the most glorious way. I can't talk enough about HENRY in this though. It's mostly on Alex POV except the extra chapter but I'm OBSESSED WITH HENRY. How he's older. How he does things for himself like running the shelters with Pez even before he meets Alex. Anyway I could talk about Henry in this series for days but that's not why we are here for. Just, do yourself a favor and just read this.

5 Times Henry Hated New Year's + 1 Time He Didn't by @hgejfmw-hgejhsf (book-verse)

@suseagull04: This fic is such an emotional rollercoaster, but it's worth every gut-wrenching twist! It delves into each of the six parts so well that you feel like you're experiencing each of Henry's life experiences with him.

I don't wanna look at anything else now that I saw you by @gayrootvegetable (book-verse)

@suseagull04: This is the cutest combination of a high school AU and soulmate AU! This fic is short but so very sweet!

if you have a garden and a library... by @glasshouses-and-stones (book-verse)

@suseagull04: This fic is so cute! It's not technically a Cinderella AU, but it has those vibes, and the author does a great job with the setting. Another fic that's short but so sweet!

It takes a lot to know a man by dazedandconfused (book/movie-verse)

@inexplicablymine: when I tell you to mind the trigger warnings that is true, but I can also say my GOD is this fic fantastic the writing is superb and the pacing is right on and the plot is so intricately woven I am elated to recommend it everywhere I can. Talk about an in depth suspense thriller mixed with that sex club dom/sub trope mixed with a law case ~ truly there are no words to describe how much this work gripped me as I read through it

@dot524: The subject matter is heavy at times and so are the smut scenes, but also I was fascinated with the story. I didn’t expect it to end up in the intense culminating scene that it did.

Something borrowed, Something blue by @anincompletelist (book-verse)

@heybuddy-drabbles: Yes, I know I recommended this during our Wip Wednesdays but now I'm going to recommend it here for the peeps who only read complete works. Read this. I beg of you. It's so excellent. Henry's relationship with June is something so special to me in this. June and her little family, her daughter means the world to me as well. Alex and his complicated feelings for Henry, their "enemies" to lovers road is just. God I loved it so much. Henry. HENRY IN THIS. Just. Please read this.

hold on (get ready for the ride) by wilmonflicker (book-verse)

@wilmonsfolklore: a professional soccer/football AU that I binged and completely fell in love with. Alex transfers to the team where Henry is the star player, and they get together. it's beautifully written, smutty at times and perfect for sport lovers and non-sport lovers alike

check out our past Monthly Faves here ❤️

[plant-dad-sulu]

I'm going to make my own post on why shatner's kirk is hard to draw because i'm a star trek fan and an artist and work in theatre/film and am insane, so here we go

For reference:

I've seen someone say before that he's hard to draw because the lighting changes his features too much to pin him down, but that's just not true. If that was the problem then no one in any tv show would be easy to draw and let me tell you it's hard to get nimoy and kelley wrong. The actual reason, in my opinion, is all the soft edges.

A lot of people who complain about him being difficult to draw -- myself among them -- work with lineart, and one thing lineart depends on is defined features. Shatner has obvious and recognizable features, but the combination of the softness of those features with the way they've done his makeup means that drawing those features makes them feel too severe and leaving them out makes him feel like some generic Man.

His lips, for example, are clearly there, he's got really nice lips, but because they have been made up to be essentially the same colour as the rest of his face it feels wrong to the artist's brain to draw them as thick as they really are. To leave them out entirely removes a defining feature that makes this Shatner™ and that creates a sort of paradox in which nothing really looks right.

It's the same with his eyebrows. As we can see in the photo, he has decently thick eyebrows, but while they are defined at the bottom they seem to blend in with his forehead at the top. Partly this is because he's on the edge of blond and partly it's because they've got some makeup in there (foundation or possibly just powder to keep him from being shiny). So we are faced with the same issue: to draw them defined would feel wrong and to draw them thinner would make this Not Shatner.

His nose, too, has very soft edges in a way that's hard to depict with lineart without making it feel more defined than it actually is. His nose bridge is fairly broad and isn't super pronounced, and his nostrils aren't particularly defined from the tip of his nose either, so no matter what lighting you get, the shadows will tend towards softer. Same with his cheekbones and jawline -- they are undeniably There but because of the gradualness of the curves, none of them are super defined leaving the artist with the question of "do i draw this in or do i shade it in or do i leave it unshaded and let the viewer extrapolate?" It doesn't help that he tends to smile tenderly, which doesn't create sharp lines in the face and doesn't create much change to the other soft features.

The most definable and easily depicted aspects of his face, in fact, are his eyes and his hairline. He's got partially hooded eyes that are decently defined by his eyelids, both of which are nice and easy features to draw, and they settle into nice dark shadows by his nose bridge. The only place, in fact, where his nose and eyebrows casts sharp shadows. His hairline is insanely recognizable. The roundness at the corners of his forehead combined with the widows peak make up for the relatively light colour of his hair up top. You put together his hairline and his eyes and it's the most obvious shatner you're going to get.

And because shatner is your typical 60's leading man, his face shape is simply not noteable. Nimoy has a long face and kelley has a very square/round one. Shatner's somewhere in between. He's got a nice silhouette and that's all. But there's a million actors out there with the same silhouette because it's attractive, and so if you don't get those defining features in there -- the ones that are so difficult to draw -- then he just winds up looking generic, and so your brain tells you that's Wrong.

tl;dr soft things are hard to draw, shatner is all soft angles

[seventeenlovesthree]

Madoka Magica Ship Analysis - KyouSaya

Based on these two polls [X] [X], I will write an analysis that'll also include how I feel about the ship (similarly to my Digimon shipping game analysis posts).

Disclaimer: I won't claim this to be a conclusive/definitive analysis of all of the ship's aspects. I have watched the original 12-episode-series and movies (including Rebellion), the Magia Record anime and I've read several manga series (the Original, The Different Story, Wraith Arc, Rebellion Story, Oriko Magica, Another Story, Mitakihara Anti-Materials). But I'm aware that I haven't seen/read all of what's out there and am also not thoroughly familiar with the games. Plus, oftentimes, ship dynamics vary depending on which series/timeline you are looking at. I'm fairly certain that thousands of words must have been written about this ship already, better and more elaborate than I probably ever could - so this is going to be my personal take on it.

(Disclaimer 2.0: I may have been a little critical of them by the end of it all, but I tried my best to phrase it all in diplomatic ways! I have no intention of discrediting the ship or anyone who enjoys it, but wanted to put my own perception, interpretation and preference into words.)

Whether canon provides input on them or not.

As one of the - if not the second - most prominent combinations in the entirety of the PMMM franchise, both in terms of canon and promotional/merchandise material, KyouSaya is a ship that should be familiar to the viewer. In the "main storyline", Sayaka Miki and Kyouko Sakura are basically set up as parallels, contrasts, opposing forces that are "actually more similar than they are/at least one of them is capable of admitting (at first)"... As with the majority of PMMM ships, there is a tragic sense of "missed opportunities", "we were so close/almost there" or "wrong place at the wrong time" when it comes to their compatibility - and, just like with HomuMado, it really depends on what "versions" of them you are referring to when estimating whether or not they make a good pair. But, once more, let's start at the beginning:

When they first meet in the main storyline, they immediately clash due to their opposing values, intentions and general approaches of being Magical Girls: Sayaka treats her duty with a sense of moral superiority, she sees herself as a soldier of justice who fights to save others and defeat Witches for the sake of doing "the right/good thing". Kyouko on the other hand appears to fight with selfish ignorance, carelessly stating that she doesn't mind causing human victims by letting familiars grow if it means defeating more Witches and gathering enough Grief Seeds to sustain herself. As she and her approach are being ridiculed by Kyouko, Sayaka's initial response is wrath, hatred - and so, their first encounter ends in a fight, with either of them being perfectly ready to kill the other...

The most tragic aspect of them meeting at this specific moment in time - and also in several other timelines as well - is the fact that their attitudes were shaped by their individual relationships and experiences with Mami AND their respective (outcomes of their) wishes. Sayaka - who had never witnessed Mami's own insecurities and feelings of loneliness - puts Mami on a pedestal of being the perfect Magical Girl. And, even if she was warned by her not to make a wish with the wrong intentions on behalf of someone else, Sayaka's intention is to be a worthy successor to the idealized version of Mami in her head, being "perfect" in her place. Kyouko, as we learn in The Different Story, used to be Mami's disciple, enthusiastic, willing to learn, believing in doing the right thing for the sake of others. But as she had to realize that her wish on behalf of her father (= wishing for people to listen to his preaching properly) turned out to be the downfall of her entire family, she decided to put up a front. Not only did she push her closest friend Mami away - whom she felt was only looking down on her as a weakling -, she also began to fight with reckless abandon and a mask of harshness, only for herself, never to let anyone get close again.

It's this version of Kyouko who sees her "former self" in Sayaka - watching her make the same mistake she used to make, believing in the idealized righteousness of being a Magical Girl, fighting for "good" like the hero in a fairy tale. However, this version of Kyouko - who grew hardened, bitter and ruthless by her experiences and who cannot stand seeing Sayaka like this - isn't capable of reaching through to Sayaka. Because her approach, as much as she may be able to understand her, isn't heard by this version of Sayaka. Whether it's Kyouko's (cruel) teasing or her actually opening up to her, offering her an "apple of wisdom" - Sayaka is bound to reject her, clinging to her unreachable ideal, which is slowly but steadily crumbling;

Because upon learning about what it means to be a Magical Girl, Sayaka continues to fall down the path of despair, losing faith in the world being worth saving; not only does she start to fight with reckless abandon herself (just like Kyouko did), she feels like a "zombie", an "idiot" who made her wish for the wrong, selfish reasons (= subconsciously wanting the appreciation and love from the person she liked in exchange for healing him). And now she doesn't even deem herself worthy of love anymore. Pushing away everyone herself now with hurtful words (just like Kyouko did), even her best friend Madoka, it's Kyouko who ends up as the one who keeps her company during her last moments of "being human". Kyouko, who, deep down inside, must have felt a sense of kinship, who related to Sayaka in ways she couldn't fully explain or convey properly at this point in time... Who ends up wishing to find a way to bring Sayaka back from her Witch state and restore her own faith in fairy tales, hoping to see good overcome evil one last time. In the end, all she can do is sacrifice herself - to make sure that neither Sayaka nor herself, who both isolated themselves from everyone they loved, would have to die all alone.

... And thus, it isn't really surprising that the version Sayaka who gained awareness of all of this - we shall call her LawOfCycles!Sayaka - feels a certain attraction towards Kyouko. Maybe even a sense of guilt - for not having listened to and actually having seen her, for having pushed her away and for not realizing how much they had in common. In Rebellion Story, the version of Kyouko we see had never encountered the Witch system and thus never went through the events described above with Sayaka - because this version of Kyouko came from the Wraith!universe created by Madokami. However, this Kyouko stated that she had been on the brink of "becoming friends with Sayaka" before she was "taken away" - and thus, LawOfCycles!Sayaka, who may or may not have been partly/fully aware of her mission and her previous "selves" for most of Rebellion, actually becomes close friends with WraithArc!Kyouko within Homura's idealized world inside of her Soul Gem.

Of course they are still clashing due to their opposing values in various aspects of life - but they do so in a playful, teasing and, most importantly, peaceful way. In an ideal world they are on good terms with, go to school, even live together, where blue and red aren't working against but with each other as the complementary colours they are. Really, nobody could have blamed Sayaka for wanting to maintain a universe like this, continuing to live her best life (after getting over Kyousuke and wishing him and Hitomi well), even though she knew she HAD TO fulfill her mission to rescue Homura. And so, one cannot help but feel like her confession towards Kyouko, saying she had "only one regret" to have "left her behind", does have a romantic subtext attached to it... Especially considering how devastated Kyouko appears at the idea of having to part ways again. With Homucifer then creating a new universe, serving as a fake happy place for everyone involved, she at least granted them another short period of bliss...

Long story short - just like the majority of the PMMM ships, KyouSaya are doomed by the narrative - and usually not meant to be happy together as their own selves in the same universe, it seems.

Whether I think why and how they’d work.

Without going all out on the subtext symbolism of Sayaka's arc, one REALLY cannot help but feel like it was always meant to be a metaphor for her overcoming her comp-het phase: Main story!Sayaka was failing due to committing to her (subtextual heteronormative) ideals (= clinging onto her wish to impress Kyousuke) and she could only overcome her doom as LawOfCycles!Sayaka, who gained awareness and worked hard to develop a bond with someone - a girl - she used to reject (= Kyouko).

However, as outlined above - this also means that Sayaka will not be compatible with Kyouko unless she gains the awareness of LawOfCycles!Sayaka. And that's where I, personally, have always had my issues with the ship from a romantic angle. Despite them fulfilling the typical blue/red ship tropes at first glance, consisting of two opposing forces (Sayaka's commitment to correctness vs. Kyouko's more easygoing attitude) who complement each other once they work together... Their underlying similarities would make it easy for them to relate to one another if they stopped hiding them from one another (Sayaka also having a side that would like to slack off more vs. Kyouko also having a very loyal, protective side).

There is a sense of competitive pride going on between them that, in my opinion, may make it difficult for them to allow romantic feelings to grow. Through the course of the main story, it becomes obvious that Kyouko develops a strong fondness and affection towards Sayaka in the end - but has issues putting those feelings into words in a non!Tsundere way, so Sayaka's can accept them. Whereas LawOfCycles!Sayaka, who witnessed all the effort Kyouko put into saving her, also grew more fond of Kyouko... But, as mentioned above, there also seems to be a lingering sense of guilt within her, so it's not entirely clear if she's aware of her true intentions yet again. These girls were heavily traumatized by what happened to them, both hardened by the experience - and weren't able to ever fully reconcile with each other in their own timelines. Sometimes they didn't get to know or even meet each other properly and, in such cases, couldn't stand each other's guts. And now, LawOfCycles!Sayaka can only reconcile with WraithArc!Kyouko in a playful, affectionate manner. NOW that she has seen it all. And Kyouko may also subconsciously feel drawn to Sayaka after the mistakes she made with Mami before, not wanting to make them again...

Without elaborating on this much further, it's not even a question that all of the girls (no exceptions!!!) would need copious amounts of therapy - and the chance to actually become adults - to make healthy relationships work. A Sayaka who, even without the influence of being God's agent, gains an understanding of Kyouko's personality, might actually be able to put her pride aside and let her in. The same goes for Kyouko, who also has to drop the mask of ignorance and pride in order not to just casually joke and tease whenever Sayaka is in the same room - and instead, actually learn to be open, vulnerable and honest with Sayaka. As traumatized 14-year-olds, they may be too aggressive, too competitive to allow genuine romance to bloom, as they're not able to grasp and cater to the needs of the other. For instance, Sayaka couldn't reciprocate Kyouko's love language before (giving/accepting gifts, such as advice or, more importantly, food) and vice versa (acts of service in regards to fighting and protecting heroically). And thus, they may end up, even unintentionally, hurting each other instead.

My personal verdict is that they'd have an easier time opening up to other members of the Holy Quintet because of their personality structures. As complementary as they are, as much as opposites attract and as much as they genuinely value each other deep down inside - they may certainly give each other short-term comfort and have lots of fun, but are probably TOO different in how they live out their similar values to work out in the long run.

Whether I’d prefer them as platonic or romantic ship.

I didn't intend to sound too "negatively" about KyouSaya as a whole, since I can absolutely see and understand the romantic appeal many, many people see in this ship. Personally, the red/blue ships (as well as the "enemies/rivals to lovers" trope in general) are rarely my favourites in a series, there have to be specific circumstances for me to enjoy them - which is perfectly fine, since everyone has their preferences! With everything I have outlined above, I was never too fond of Sayaka and Kyouko as a romantic couple. Instead, I always enjoyed them most as each other's wing-women; bantering and teasing each other endlessly as acquaintances who would slowly but steadily become good, close friends, supporting and having each other's backs.

[lazycats-stuff]

Ok it’s like 2:30am rn and I’m supposed to be doing a poster that’s due later but I saw the notification that your open again and I had to drop everything and run🙈

Can I request a Ra’s Al Ghul with oldest son reader who turns out to be like quite moral grey? Like the only reason he isn’t some assassin or super villain is bc he loves his family but is legitimately terrifying to the point Ra’s is scared of betraying him more than Alfred or his family.

I hope this makes sense, just some silly moment between Ra’s and reader when readers like “I’ve killed 275 people am nobody knows😆😘”

Okay, don't drop school for me, school is important. But this is just perfect. Ra's is like, who am I dating? Who am I courting?

Summary: (Y/N) is not like his family.

Warnings: (Y/N) has killed, Ra's is confused, (Y/N) loves Ra's and vice versa.

Ra's has been happy ever since he has start courting, but he still wonders how he managed to get him. To land him, as the slang goes. He knows him very well and they know each other for a long time. (Y/N) is the oldest son in the family, he came before Dick even.

Ra's only started dating him when (Y/N) graduated from college. He never expected to catch feelings for (Y/N) and it was weird when he started making sure he is okay and what he is doing.

Ra's never wanted to date. After the death of his wife before even starting the League, he promised himself that he wouldn't love anymore. If he had a wife, then it was to have heirs, but he outlived them all.

And then (Y/N) came.

There was something different about (Y/N). Ra's watched him grow from a child to a grown man and he turned into a, in Ra's eyes, beautiful man with a strong character and mind too. That was rare now a days and Ra's wanted nothing more than to love him and court him.

There was only one problem. His family who was fiercely protective of him and it was just difficult to even show them that he didn't have any ill intentions. To this day, Bruce and Jason were still suspicious of him. Alfred never trusted him to begin with and Damian was ready to fight him at the moment's notice.

So the road wasn't easy, but they have decided to accept the fact that (Y/N) is with Ra's and try to be civil. Really try to be civil. Bruce is trying. Jason and Damian are trying for (Y/N). Not for Ra's.

But there was just something darker about (Y/N) that Ra's liked and what attracted him to the young man. He is different than Bruce and the others. Before being adopted by Bruce, he was put through hell and back and that caused him to be rather... Morally grey.

It made his character strong and he had a certain degree of... Well, lets just say that he was terrifying to people. Sometimes, he was more brutal than Batman. The hell he went through he went as a child made him numb to certain things and brutal in some aspects.

Ra's wondered if he has ever crossed the line and killed. Of course, he didn't say anything about that because Damian and Alfred would have his head if he tried to explore that opportunity.

But Ra's thought about (Y/N) if he was ever a villain, what type he would be? Ra's could think about. He could see how he could be brutal and he could even rule the underworld. His brutality, his intelligence...

But (Y/N) was too loyal to his father and family to even consider being a villain. Alfred and Bruce are just to blame for (Y/N) not becoming a villain. Did Ra's really want him to be a villain? God no.

He could probably be worse than the League of Light combined and that was a scary thought. Even big Ra's al Ghul was scared of betraying (Y/N). He loved (Y/N), he really did and he would never ever betray his lover, his beloved.

And if something were to happen and Ra's betrayed (Y/N), although Ra's wouldn't, (Y/N) would burn down the League. Ra's was certain of it. But there was a side of (Y/N) that Ra's didn't know just yet.

Even now as the two laid together in bed, just ready to go to bed, Ra's decided to ask (Y/N) the question that was on his mind.

" (Y/N), what would you do if I ever betrayed you? " Ra's asked, hugging (Y/N) from behind, murmuring the words into (Y/N)'s hair. (Y/N) always enjoyed Ra's proximity.

" Ra's, I have killed over 200 people that not even Bruce knows about. I would think about it before doing it. "

Ra's thought that (Y/N) was joking and laughed, but (Y/N) turned around in his arms and looked him dead in the eyes.

" Ra's, I'm not kidding. " (Y/N) said and Ra's searched for any sort of sign that (Y/N) was joking.

There was none.

" What? "

" That's all you need to know. " (Y/N) said as he turned his back to Ra's, moving his hands to its original position. Ra's looked at the back of (Y/N)'s neck and paled.

What?

Sure, he thought about (Y/N) crossing the line, but he didn't think that (Y/N) has actually done it. Now he had to think about who the hell he was courting and he had planned to propose in the near future, but he had to see what the hell has happened.

200+ people is not a small amount and there had to be something where he could search about it. It shouldn't be so difficult to find the event that (Y/N) was talking about. It really shouldn't be.

Right?

None the less, Ra's loved (Y/N) and he will propose, but only when he looks more into it. How the hell did he miss this side? The side that crossed the line that Bruce outright refused to cross, (Y/N) has crossed without any hesitation?

Ra's blinked a few times. No. He will look into it and tomorrow morning, over breakfast, he will ask him to give him more details about the... Could it be labeled as a massacre? Ra's left that thought and closed his eyes, falling asleep next to his beloved.

Breakfast came that morning and the two ate in silence, just enjoying the food and coffee. (Y/N) had to have his coffee and his caffeine, otherwise he wouldn't function at all. Ra's thought about breaking the topic. How to do it?

Well, just asking will do the trick. No beating around the bush.

" (Y/N), " Ra's started as he took a sip of his coffee, glancing at his beloved who was eating. (Y/N) paused and Ra's knew that he had to do it now. " Did you tell me the truth last night? About those 200 people? "

(Y/N) blinked a few times and then he put the mug down.

" If it's something sensitive, you don't have to talk about it. But it would help me understand. I have never seen a side of you that has crossed the line. " Ra's said and (Y/N) smiled reaching his for Ra's hands. Ra's extended his hand to (Y/N) and the two interlocked their hands.

" It's not sensitive, don't worry. I was on my own mission while doing my own case. Bruce was aware of the case and the mission too. What he didn't know is what has happened on that mission. All of those people were evil and vile people. " (Y/N) said, stopping for a second to ear some more. He did love Arabic breakfast after all.

" Now, nobody would miss them. And at that moment, it was me or them. Of course, I didn't kill 200 people at once. It was over a 3 day period. And I would like to say, me or them. " (Y/N) said and Ra's has decided not to pry anymore.

(Y/N) has just told him the truth and that was all that mattered.

" I have to say, that eases me a little bit. You have scared a bit last night when you told me that, so serious too. " Ra's said, chuckling quietly, squeezing (Y/N)'s hand once more.

" Sorry about it. But you can't tell Bruce at all. " (Y/N) said and Ra's said of course. It's not really life threatening so Bruce doesn't have to know anything about it.

" Of course I won't. " Ra's said and (Y/N) removed his own hand from his and showed him his pinky finger.

" Pinky promise Ra's? " (Y/N) said and Ra's smiled, indulging (Y/N).

" Pinky promise. " Ra's said as he leaned closer to (Y/N)'s face, giving him a kiss. (Y/N) smiled into the kiss and has moved to sit in Ra's lap.

" I wish I could spend the day with you beloved, but I have work to do." Ra's said after breaking the kiss, caressing (Y/N)'s cheek.

" I have work to do too. We will meet for lunch? " (Y/N) asked and Ra's nodded, giving him one last kiss and (Y/N) hopped off of Ra's lap.

" Later Ra's. "

" Later beloved. "