#I am 99% sure i already reblogged this from another account

[spine-buster]

the storm before the calm (f. andersen) | 1

A/N: The prologue has 150+ notes...I can’t believe what a positive response it got!  Thank you so much for your support, comments, DMs, likes, reblogs, and tags!  It means the world!  Enjoy the first chapter :)

She could be at Early Mercy.

It was all Frederik could think about as he tried to celebrate Bee McTavish’s birthday.  She could be here.  She could be one of these people that keep looking at us, that keep brushing up against Auston and I trying to get our attention.  She could be one of their friends.  She could be in the washroom.  She could be coming, on her way now to Early Mercy, and she might walk through the door and I’ll see her.  It could happen.

That wasn’t to say that Fred wasn’t present and in the moment; having fun with his friends and celebrating Bee and her 24th year of life by buying drink after drink at the bar; but in the back of his mind, constantly, for the last three months – almost four – was the thought that in a random location in Toronto, in a random building, in a random place, he would lock eyes with the girl he’d seen in the middle of the night at Shopper’s Drug Mart and finally find out who she is, why she was crying, and why he was so devastatingly transfixed by her.

Fred had tried to find out who she was since then, almost obsessively so.  He was a man mesmerized and he needed to know.  He had tried to get the name of the band that performed at the function by contacting the heads of the charity, the head of public relations, the human resources manager, the man who answered the 1-800 call desk, even the poor accounts payroll manager whose email was listed on the charity’s website, but nobody would divulge the information.  He wasn’t allowed to know.  They weren’t under the discretion to divulge that information publicly (even though it was a public event).  He contacted the photographer who ended up uploading photos of the night onto his professional website (not one photo of her uploaded – what a load of shit), who expressed he couldn’t remember the name.  He tried remembering the members of his table that he had to schmooze with who could have picked up the name – nothing.  He scoured Instagram – the hashtags, the other girls that were there, the profiles, the tagged photos, the socialites he didn’t socialize with just to see if they had a picture with her or mentioned her by name.  He asked Brendan Shanahan if he knew.  He asked Kyle Dubas if he knew.  He asked every Leaf that was there that night if they caught the name, if they spoke to any of the members, if they took a picture, if it was in the background of another picture, if they remembered any minute detail that would give him a lead.  

Nothing.

His chest has been permanently tightened for almost four months now.  He needed to know.  He needed to find her.

“Serena’s here,” Auston’s voice interrupted Fred’s thoughts as he slammed his empty glass – his fourth of the night, at least – onto the bar beside Fred.  

“Who?”

“Serena – Serena!” he emphasized.  Fred’s face was still blank.  “Serena DaCosta, dude,” Auston said.  “Remember…we were hooking up a while back…”

“Oh.  Right.”

Auston looked at his friend skeptically.  “Dude, come on.”

“What?”

Fred could see the gears shifting in Auston’s head pulling him in two different directions.  Fred wanted to stop him.  Usually when this happened to Auston, it pulled him into conspiracy theory territory.  “Bro…you…you’re not hung up on Bee, are you?”

“NO!” Fred screamed, a look of disgust on his face.  “Jesus fucking Christ, Auston, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“What?!  You can’t blame me for thinking it!” he tried to defend himself.  “Anytime she’s not in sight you look like someone ran over your dog.”

It’s because I’m looking for somebody.  And I can’t do that when the birthday girl is around.  “You’re a fucking lunatic.  And I know that’s the alcohol talking,” Fred shook his head.

“Then why do you look like someone ran over your dog?!” Auston persisted.  “The city’s hottest girls are in this damn club right now practically lining up to hook up with you and you seem to not give a fuck because of…what?  Hmmm?” Auston waited for an answer dramatically, sticking out his head, raising his eyebrows, and pursing his lips slightly.  “You can’t hate me for wondering.”

“Yes, I can.”

“So what’s the reason, then?”

“There’s no reason,” Fred shook his head again, taking a sip from his drink and hoping Auston would just end it.

But of course, that wasn’t the case.  Auston always had to explore the other side of the gears shifting in his brain – the non-conspiracy theory side.  The side that was – unfortunately – usually right.  “Wait a second…” Auston narrowed his eyes.  “Oh…dude.”

“What?”

“You’re not still hung up on that girl, are you?”

The hairs of Fred’s neck stood on end.  “What girl?”

“Oh, fuck off,” Auston said.  “The girl you’ve been obsessed with the last three months.  From the charity event.  That you haven’t been able to find.”

Fred didn’t mean to hesitate – he really didn’t.  But in his simple hesitation and shaking his head and stuttering out a “N – No,” Auston had him, Auston won, and Auston knew he was right.  

“Brooooooo,” Auston threw his head back in disdain for Fred.  “Let.  It.  GO!”

“Fuck off, Auston.”

“Are you honestly going to be hung up on her for the rest of the year?  For the rest of your life?” Auston kept asking.  “It’s already been three months, Fred.  You couldn’t find her.  You can’t find her.  It’s a lost cause.  You can’t let this dictate your life.  You’ve gotta…you’ve gotta move on.  If it was meant to be you would have found her already, and you haven’t.”

“Thanks, Auston,” Fred rolled his eyes.

“I’m serious, man.  Think about it.  You can’t get hung up on this girl when you don’t even know her name.  There’s so many other things you could be spending your time on, so many other girls you can be paying attention to, that can be paying attention to you, but you can’t even see it!”

Before Auston could continue his lecture, the girl Freddie could only presume to be Serena DaCosta appeared behind Auston.  Her long, wavy blonde hair and plump lips spread into a smile enticed Auston automatically.  “Hey,” Auston smirked.

“Heeeeeeyyyyyyy yyyoooouuuuu,” she drawled out flirtingly, giving him an unsolicited and dramatic kiss on the cheek.  “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for a friend’s birthday,” Auston said.

“Anybody I know?” Serena asked.  Fred could see the rest of her group of friends approaching them.  He held his breath.

“No,” he said sharply.  Auston knew better than to mention Bee’s name in front of girls like this, after what happened.  Not that he ever did, though, because Auston was somewhat protective of Bee too and didn’t want these types of girls even knowing about her.  “What are you doing here?”

Serena shrugged her shoulders.  “Just had a feeling that I should be out tonight,” she said, her eyes flashing towards Fred.  “Hey Freddie.”  Fred nodded towards her as he took another sip of his drink.  He didn’t even bother.  When her friends approached them, he clocked out altogether.  Serena got the hint.  “Auston, you remember Jessy and Rachel and Loren?”

“Hey ladies,” Auston winked at them, not remembering them at all.  

“Catch you later,” Fred said quickly into Auston’s ear, attempting to get up from his seat to go and find Bee, Morgan, and Tyler.

Fred saw Auston’s hand come up and hold him down.  “Have you met Loren?”

***

“Are you guys going to take a taxi home?” Bee asked as she clung onto Morgan for dear life.  After dancing the night away at Early Mercy, Fred knew Bee was ready to call it a night.  Auston had tried to convince the manager to keep it open (while Serena hung on his arm, nonetheless), but to no avail.  Special rules couldn’t be made for Auston Matthews.  It was law.  The manager was really sorry.  So everybody decided to call it a night.

“Don’t worry, sweetcheeks,” Tyler fumbled around with Auston’s phone.  “Our Uber’s just down the street.”  He looked towards Auston, another ping coming from his phone.  “That girl just texted you five times in a row.”

“Of course,” Auston rolled his eyes.

“Am I still sleeping over yours?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not cockblocking am I?”

“Far from it.  If you’re over it gives a legitimate reason for her not to follow us home.”

Tyler’s eyes widened.  “I’ll call the cops if I need to.”

“Freddie?” he heard his name called by Bee’s overly sweet voice.  “Freddie how are you getting home?” she asked as she approached him, clinging onto the material of his shirt.  

“I’m grabbing an Uber with Auston and Tyler,” he said, holding her in place so she wouldn’t fall over.  He loved seeing Bee like this, if only because she was so poised and in control of herself 99% of the time.  He loved seeing her let loose. 

“Are you going home?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to be safe?”

Fred giggled at her tone of voice.  “Yes Bee.  I’ll be safe.  I don’t know many people who would jump a six-foot-four, two-hundred-and-forty-pound man.  In an Uber.”

“But you always look so expensive,” she said.  He also loved that Bee had no filter.  “You always dress so nice and wear such expensive things and look put together and I once got told by this lady that people look for people who look rich because --”

“Bee --”

“Because it means they have money and did you know that thieves will actually target people who have sleeve tattoos because it means they have a lot of money if it means they can get all that work done?  So Auston has to be careful too.”

Fred couldn’t help but laugh as he saw, in his peripheral vision, their Uber come up along the curb.  Tyler was waving his arms like one of those flag guys on the tarmacs outside of planes.  “I’ll make sure Auston is safe, Bee.”

“Thank you, you big boy.”

“Alright!  Let’s blow this popsicle stand!” Tyler yelled from the car.  Fred gave one last ‘Happy Birthday’ and kiss on the cheek to Bee before shoving himself into the backseat (why, oh why didn’t they order an SUV?  His legs were going to cramp so bad), pulling an almost-drunk Auston in with him, and ordering Tyler to take the front seat (it should have been him taking the front seat, because, you know, leg room.  Tyler was 5’9”.  He could fit in the trunk.) so they could get on with it.  

Because they had ordered the Uber from Auston’s phone, the driver was bringing them to Auston’s address.  Fred made sure to tell him right from the get-go that he would need to make two stops.  The driver complied easily.  

“Did you like any of them?” Auston asked as he leaned awkwardly into the middle section of the backseat, looking at Fred with beady eyes.

“Like any of who?” Fred asked.  He overheard Tyler making awkward conversation with the Uber driver from the front seat, telling him his name was Inigo Montoya a la Princess Bride.

“Loren thought you were hot.”

“Oh for fuck sakes,” Freddie sighed.  “Auston--”

“Get over her,” Auston said authoritatively.  “She’s not gonna appear out of thin air, Fred.  She’s not just gonna appear in a Starbucks while you’re ordering coffee.  Loren is a real person,” he emphasized.  “With lips, and boobs – nice ones – and--”

“Auston.”

“Will you at least just think about it?” Auston asked.  “I hate seeing you so pissy.  You’re Frederik fucking Andersen dude.  You should be having every God damn girl in this city if you wanted.”

On the one hand, Auston had a point.  Fred hated to admit it, but he did.  Maybe he was too hung up on this.  Maybe he was over-the-top about his search, about his constant thinking about her.  Maybe it wasn’t meant to be, and he was just holding onto a dream that didn’t need holding on to; a dream that needed to stay unfulfilled, undone, incomplete.  Maybe he was trying to force fate – the last thing anybody should do.  

Fred took a deep breath as they felt the car pull up to the curb.  Out the window, Fred could see the façade of Auston’s apartment building.  “I’ll think about it.”

Auston smiled mischievously before winking.  “Atta boy,” he pulled himself up, opening the door to the car.  “Her Instagram is at lorenxoxo.  Thank you kindly, sir,” he directed to the Uber driver, saluting him dramatically.  “Slip into her DMs.”

“Goodnight Auston,” Fred dismissed him.  Fred watched as Tyler and Auston stumbled their way into Auston’s building, getting inside safely.  The car had been quiet from a lack of music, but as he saw Tyler open the door, the opening notes of a guitar riff began to play over the stereo.  

Suddenly, Fred heard the back door opposite his side of the car open, and a body slipped into the backseat beside him, closing the door once they were in.  The first thing he noticed was the abundance of thick, luxurious hair, styled in old Hollywood waves, cascading down the back and side profile, obstructing the view of her face.  Then, he noticed the outfit: a loose, spaghetti strap, silk v-neck top, lazily tucked into tight, seamless black pants, and strappy black heels.  

“Take me to Stewart Street, please,” the woman said to the driver.  Her voice was off, somehow, but Fred couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

“Ma’am – I – I already have a passenger.  I--”

“Stewart Street, please,” she begged, and Fred could hear in her voice that she was crying.

He looked up.

***

Aleida Casillas was crying.  Again.  She felt like she had been crying for months, that her tear ducts were getting their own workout now for how often she used them.  She cried in bed.  She cried in the shower.  She cried in her car.  She cried in her Ubers.  She cried in restaurants.  She cried in restaurant bathrooms.  She cried at her parents’ house.  She cried at her sister’s house.  She cried in her own house.  She cried on her couch.  She cried underneath a blanket.

She cried alone.  

And right now, she needed to get into the privacy of her own home so she could cry there.  But she’d have to cry in the back of an Uber to get there.

As she walked down King Street, she saw an Uber – she knew, thanks to the sticker on the back windshield – pull up and let out two drunken men who scurried into the glass condo building.  She ran towards the car as fast as her heels could carry her before it could drive away.  She opened the backseat door and slipped in, closing it behind her.  

“Take me to Stewart Street, please,” Aleida said to the driver.  She could hear the cracks in her own voice and hoped to God the driver didn’t make some sort of comment about it.  She didn’t think she’d be able to handle it.  She really didn’t think she could sob any harder at the back of an Uber more so than she had been doing the last few months.  Uber drivers in Toronto probably had her on their radar.

“Ma’am – I – I already have a passenger.  I--”

“Stewart Street, please,” she begged, looking down at her feet, her feet in their strappy heels, so she could wipe away her tears before the driver could know she was crying.  She wasn’t really listening to him.  She didn’t really care about what he was saying, truthfully, the other passenger be damned.  Turn it into an UberPool – whatever needed to happen for her to get home.  She’d even pay for the other passenger’s fare.  They could live all the way out in Scarborough.  Mississauga.  Aurora.  Newmarket.  She didn’t care.

“Holy shit.”

She looked up.

***

Fred was going to pass out.  

Her.

It was her.

He was pretty sure that his mouth was gaping open; that he looked like a complete idiot at the other end of the backseat, but his mind couldn’t process what his eyes were seeing fast enough.  The rich, dark brown hair.  The perfectly tanned and contoured skin as smooth and flawless as glass.  The dominant eyebrows that framed her face.  The perfectly cut cheekbones blushed and highlighted.  The lips, full and bow-shaped, painted with a neutral pink instead of the daring red he’d seen so many moons ago.  

Her eyes with their striking hazel irises, were staring directly into his soul.  Again.

She was here.  

In the car.  

Crying again.

“Fred,” his name escaped her lips quietly, the tears immediately stopping.  She was just as shocked as he was, apparently.  Because, really, what were the chances?  To be going home at the same time, to get into the same time…

“It’s you,” he said, not knowing what he was saying.  His brain was still trying to process everything, and it was doing a shit job.  

“It’s me.”

“Ma’am, you’re going to have to leave the vehic--”

“No no, it’s fine,” Fred said quickly, making eye contact with the driver in the rearview mirror, waving him off.  “Take her to Stewart Street.”

“You sure?”

“Positive,” Fred said without even looking at him.  Soon, he felt the gear shift into drive and the driver pull away from the curb.

The girl had begun to wipe the tears away from her face delicately, trying to mask her condition.  As if Fred didn’t catch it.  He watched her for a few moments as she stared straight ahead as to not make eye contact with him, not knowing what to say at all.  What could he say?  That he’d been obsessed with her?  That he’d badgered his teammates and strangers about her?  But before he could overthink it, his mind decided to say the one thing that was true.  “I’ve been trying to find you.”

She didn’t bother to look at him, still trying to collect her tears, her emotions.  “You have?  Why?”

He had to be honest.  “Your eyes,” he admitted.  It was at that point that she looked at him again, the hazel irises stabbing him.  “Your eyes are so sad.”

They were both hyperaware of the verb he used.  Are.  Because they definitely were sad then, and they were sad now.  For a moment, however quick it was, there was an acknowledgement on her face; it soon turned to anger – brows furrowed and lips pursed, looking away again.  “That’s none of your business.”

Fred acquiesced.  He knew that.  Maybe that was too forward of him.  “What’s your name, then?  I – I need to know your name.”

She shot him a glance.  Against her better judgement, she answered him.  “Aleida.”

“Aleida what?”

“Aleida.”

“How did you know who I was…am,” he corrected himself.  

Aleida gave him another look.  “Everybody knows who you are, Fred.  Goalie extraordinaire of the Maple Leafs.  Girls in this city would line up outside your bedroom if only you’d let them.”

It was Fred’s turn to give her a look.  That wasn’t true at all.  Well, not to him.  He could still go around some places in the city without getting recognized – especially when he was alone.  He mostly just kept to himself.  When he was with Auston it was a different story, since Auston’s reputation preceded him.  “Why don’t I know who you are?”

“Maybe you just weren’t looking hard enough,” she said.

That was a joke.  If she only knew what he had been up to.  If only she knew.  “Why aren’t you answering my questions?”

“Why do keep asking them?”

“Because I want to know who you are,” Fred hit back, more firmly this time.  Didn’t she get that?  Didn’t she get the reason why the first words out of his mouth were ‘Holy shit’ was because of exactly that?

“Ma’am, we’re here.  Stewart Street,” the driver said from the front seat.  “Wasn’t a log drive.”  He put the car in park and unlocked the doors, the sound dramatically filling the air.

She took once last look at Fred as she opened the door.  “My name is Aleida.  That’s all you will need to know more.”

And then she was gone.

***

Frederik found himself riding the elevator up to the 31st floor of the St. Regis Hotel.  The elevator attendant marveled at his size, trying to hide the fact that he was staring.  The other women in the elevator – four of them – stared too, trying not to giggle to each other.  But Fred could see their eyes.  He could see their eyes dart towards him and then to one another, smirks appearing on their faces, stifled little giggles escaping them as the elevator rushed up.  

When the elevator pinged, and the doors opened, Fred found himself at Louix Louis, the luxurious, gilded bar that had Torontonians salivating at the mouth.  It was the most luxurious of the luxurious.  Lavish.  Opulent.  You name it.  It was everything people loved about indulgence.  Everything people loved about exclusivity; about standing in line and not getting in; about calling for reservations and being denied; about watching people, seeing people, wanting to be seen, waiting to be seen.  

“Hey Fred,” the hostess winked immediately as he approached her podium.  “Auston’s been waiting.”

“Thanks,” he responded shyly as she grabbed a menu from beneath her.

“Follow me, sweetie.”

Fred shook his head and chuckled to himself as she turned her back to him, leading him down the bar and to one of the booths in the back where he could already see Auston waiting.  And of course, like the sky is blue, Auston was wearing a beanie.  He was the only person in Toronto who would wear a beanie in Louix Louis.

“’Bout time,” Auston smiled as Fred shuffled into the opposite side of the booth.  

“Shut up.”

“Serena, Jessy, Rachel, and Loren are on their way,” Auston winked.

“You didn’t,” Fred deadpanned, thinking this was just going to be a quiet night.  He should have known better.  He should have known better to accept an invitation by Auston to go to Louix Louis.  

“Oh, I did,” Auston smiled.  “She’s into you, bro.”

“Who?”

“Loren.”

“Who’s Loren?”

“Oh, fuck off, Fred.”

Fred rolled his eyes.  He couldn’t care less.  He decided to one up Auston; to tell him what he wanted to tell him ever since he agreed to go out with him tonight.  “I found her, by the way.”

“Found who?” Auston sipped at his drink.

“The girl.  Aleida.”

Auston almost spit out his drink.  “What?!”

Fred nodded his head.  “She got into the Uber the night of Bee’s birthday once you and Tyler left.”

“You’re fucking telling me--”

“Aaaaaaustttooooooonnn!” a perky, overzealous voice cut their conversation way too short.  From the opposite end of the bar, where Fred was let in, he saw the same group of girls from Bee’s birthday make their way towards them.  Their designer purses hung on chains against their shoulders as their long hair, perfectly blow-dried at some salon in Yorkville, moved with their scurried movements.  At Louix Louis, you wanted to be seen in the same booth as Auston Matthews.  

“Hey heeeeey,” Auston smiled, scooting over to make room while the four girls entered all on his side.  The girl Fred could only assume was Loren eyed him like a hawk, the waitress approaching the table not long after to get everybody’s drink orders.

Auston exchanged formalities with the ladies as Fred stayed silent, but he could tell that Auston was pressed about the news Fred had just revealed.  For all Auston seemed like he didn’t care about things and was generally aloof, he could be a snoopy bitch.  A really snoopy bitch.  And Fred could tell Auston wanted to talk about it so bad.

Fred thought he would wait.

But he didn’t.  

“Hey girls, can you help me with something?” he preempted quickly.  “Actually, it’s more so helping Fred.”

Fred’s eyes widened.  “N – No--”

“What do you girls know about a girl named Al-ay-da?” he stressed her name – improperly – eyeing Fred quickly.

“Oh my God.”

“Oh my God.”

“Oh my GAWD.”

“Aleida Casillas?!”

“Oh my God, are you joking?” Serena piped up over the other three.  “There is no way Aleida Casillas didn’t bite Fred’s head off if she met him.  That girl is a fucking cannibal.”

“What?  Listen, all I wanna know is the details,” Auston held his hands up innocently.

“What is there to say about Aleida Casillas,” Jessy quipped, and Fred felt like she was going to break out into the Regina George monologue from Mean Girls.  “You know who her mom is, right?” she directed at Auston, but looked between him and Fred.

“No, I obviously don’t.”

“It’s Dr. Casillas – she’s, like, the best plastic surgeon in the city.  The country.”

“Girls who go to her say she does the best work,” Loren contributed.  Fred so desperately wanted to ask if she had gotten anything done for her to say something like that, but he of course decided against it.  “It all looks so natural.”

“And her dad – he’s like, the best cardiologist in the country,” Serena added.  “I’m not exaggerating.  My cousin in med school once watched him perform a quadruple bypass and a ten hour ventricular restoration.  He’s even done heart surgery on a former Prime Minister or whatever.  He’s been honoured for his work all over the world.  It’s insane.”

“Not to mention the family is loaded.  She’s got everything anybody could ever want.  I mean, Aleida thinks she owns the city,” Jessy said.

“Well…she kinda does,” Rachel said something besides oh my God.  “She’s got all the money in the world, she knows everybody worth knowing, but like, she’s friends with them too, and people want her to wear their clothes or whatever, or come to their bars, or attend their charity events.  I mean, it’s mainly because of who her parents are, but still.  She sings, sometimes, I think, but I think mostly she just shows up places--”

“--she’s a model--”

“—she’s a model, and she’s pretty, and people are, like, scared of her, because I heard one time she, like, ruined the career of some up-and-coming influencer – or was it a designer? – but she ruined his career cause that person, like, didn’t dress one of her friends for an event or something and she went ballistic.”

“She’s a cannibal, like I said,” Serena said assertively.  “She’s a huge bitch.  Why would you want to know anything about her?”

Fred was shocked, to say the least.  The person he’d met – if you could even call it that – in the Shopper’s Drug Mart that night, and the person he’d seen in the backseat of the Uber could not have been the same person.  There was no way.  There was no way that crying girl was a ‘cannibal’.  There was no way.  The family stuff could be true, sure – who was he to question that – but the other stuff?  Ruining a career?  Impossible.  It wasn’t that Fred thought they were lying.  But maybe…maybe they had the wrong girl.  How many girls could be named Aleida?  Maybe they were…embellishing.

“Yeah.  Why would you want to know anything about her?” Loren asked, eyeing Fred like a hawk again.

Fred tried not to make it seem like he was physically uncomfortable every time she looked at him, but he was getting physically uncomfortable.  “She just performed at an event we went to,” Fred explained briefly.  

“I wouldn’t even think of like, doing anything,” Serena took charge again.  “She’ll rip your head off.”

Well Fred knew where she stood.

“Enough about Aleida,” Auston held his hands up again, looking past everybody at the waitress that was bringing their drinks to the table.  “What are we up to tonight?” he smirked.

Fred clocked out.  He didn’t care about anything that was being done or said around him – he didn’t care what those girls were saying at all.  He didn’t care.  He didn’t care.  He didn’t care.  

Casillas.

Her last name was Casillas.

He got up abruptly, asking a passing waiter where the washrooms were.  Auston was too entranced by the girls to care, so Fred had no qualms leaving.  As he made his way towards the washrooms, he pulled his phone out of his pocket.  He typed out her name into the Google search bar .  ‘Aleda Casiyas’

‘Do you mean Aleida Casillas?’

Well fine then.  

There she was on his phone screen.  It wasn’t like she had a Wikipedia page or anything, but perhaps even more important, especially in this city, was that she had her own tag on the Toronto Life website.  The Narcity tag was there too, but that wasn’t as important.  He clicked on the Toronto Life link.  

Aleida Casillas, wearing vintage Jean Paul Gaultier, at Soho House, Toronto.

What Aleida Casillas wore to the premier of Guillermo Del Toro’s new film.

Aleida Casillas is the face for emerging Toronto fashion designer Guinevere Jones.

“I’d be careful if I were you,” he heard an all-too-familiar voice behind him.  “Loren’s barely turned 18.”

Fred spun around dramatically.  

There she was behind him.  

He almost couldn’t believe his eyes.  Almost.  But if she could sneak into the backseat of his Uber, she could appear at Louix Louis.  She could appear anywhere.  And of course, she looked flawless.  Makeup flawless, hair flawless, all of it.  If she really was a model, he could see why.  “What are you doing here?” Fred asked.

“Who isn’t at Louix Louis on a Friday night?” she countered.  

Fred’s head whipped back and forth between the direction of the booth and Aleida standing in front of him.  He was willing to ditch this entire scene.  “Are you ready to talk?”

“About what?”

“Why you were crying in a Shopper’s Drug Mart at two in the morning four months ago,” Fred deadpanned.  “And why you were crying before you stole an Uber?”

Aleida’s face dropped.  Whatever confidence she had in her power and persuasion over Fred left her and was replaced with something else – that something else, Fred didn’t know yet.  But it wasn’t confidence, and it wasn’t self-assurance, and it sure wasn’t was the cheekiness she’d displayed in any and all interaction she’d had with him (however brief) up until this point.  “You don’t want to get into it,” she said, her voice soft.  And for the first time, emotional.

“I do.”

She looked at him.  “Fred.”

“Can we get out of here?”

Aleida took a deep breath.  She tugged on the hem of his shirt as she started walking away.  

He followed her.

She made an abrupt stop at the booth.  When Auston saw her, he didn’t think anything of it, but when he saw Fred behind her, his eyes went wide.  All the girls stopped talking and looked like a ghost had just appeared in front of them. 

“Ohmigod Aleida, hi,” Serena said first.  

Aleida smiled at her, but it wasn’t politely.  She focused her attention back to Auston.  “I’m taking Fred.”  She didn’t give him an option.

“Th-that’s cool,” he couldn’t say anything else to her.  

Aleida looked back at the girls, specifically Serena.  “I’m sorry, who are you?”

Serena’s jaw almost dropped from embarrassment.  It was clear to Fred that despite calling her a cannibal a mere ten minutes ago, Serena would butter herself up if it meant Aleida would eat her.  “It’s…it’s me!  Serena Da Costa.”

Aleida’s eyes flashed.  “Oh!  Right!  From my mom’s clinic!” she exclaimed, her surprise feigned and her polite tone just as fake.  She pointed at Serena.  “You came in with…” she went through the girls with her pointed finger, stopping on Loren.  “You!  How was your eighteenth birthday in June?  Looks like your parents allowed you to get the boobs you wanted.”

Loren looked absolutely mortified.  “I--”

“And your new lips,” Aleida focused on Serena again.  “Isn’t my mom just so great?”

Now Serena looked absolutely mortified.  But it was Auston who looked ready to crawl into a hole and die since she mentioned the eighteenth birthday party.  “Uh--”

“Anyways, see you guys later.  I’m sure one of you will want a nose job soon,” she winked at the group before walking off.

***

“So why were you crying?”

Fred was on Aleida’s couch now, after having followed her home by foot, walking for half an hour.  Half an hour along King Street West, illuminated lights and flashing storefronts lighting the way.  Eager clubbers spilling onto the streets tried to do their part to distract Fred or block him from following, but he was like a man possessed.  His eyes were like a hawk’s on her.  There was no way he was losing her again in a crowd full of people on King Street.

They passed the Shopper’s Drug Mart.  

It was when they happened upon a row of expansive, luxurious, modern townhomes, coincidentally just a few blocks from his building that Fred began to realize that maybe the things those girls were saying were right, or at least partly true.  But the other thing he realized made him want to scream.  He had searched for her for months and she was practically just a few steps away from him?  He understood the universe worked in mysterious ways, but this was just plain cruel.  That she had been so close to him, physically, and he had no idea.  It tore him up.  

They’d gone inside.  She took off her heels.  She’d opened a bottle of wine and poured it into two glasses before standing at opposites ends of her expansive kitchen island, staring at each other, waiting for the other to speak.  It was Fred who obviously broke first.  It was Fred who couldn’t wait any longer; who wanted to get to the bottom of why her eyes were – are – so sad that night, and in the Uber, and tonight.  Because behind her façade, he could see her sadness.  Behind the snarky comments she made towards those girls with Auston, Aleida Casillas was profoundly sad.  

She took a deep breath.  “My uh…my old piano instructor – from when I was a kid – she passed away earlier that day,” Aleida revealed, her voice low.

“Were you close?”

“I think I loved her more than I loved my parents when I was a kid.”

Fred was shocked to hear such a statement come out of her mouth.  Considering that he just learned who her parents were, it was…different for him to hear such a thing.  “Why?”

She shrugged her shoulders.  “She listened,” she said simply.  “No-one ever listens.  No-one ever…no-one ever listens.  To me.  But she did.  She listened.  More than anyone.  And she saw me."

“She saw you?”

“She saw me for who I was and not what she wanted me to be,” Aleida continued.  “She was the best.”

There was a moment of silence between them.  Fred was unsure of what to say.  He knew he wanted her to open up to him, but he wasn’t expecting…this.  Truthfully, he was expecting something completely different.  A breakup with a boyfriend, or at least a fight.  A disagreement with a friend.  A lost job opportunity or a firing.  But not a death of a childhood piano teacher.  “I just couldn’t get over your eyes – the sadness in your eyes.  And it’s still there.”

“Listen.  I don’t know what those girls told you about me tonight.  And I didn’t mean to make you scared that night when I called you Fred and knew who you were.  I just…you made it obvious that you didn’t see me in there.  Nobody did.  And that was a stark reminder to me of her being gone.  Anyway…there…there’s a lot going on right now, and nobody cares.”

He could tell she knew she was rambling; that she stopped herself from revealing too much.  He persisted.  “Nobody cares?”

“Nobody fucking cares,” she stressed before taking a long sip of wine.

“Well, can you tell me a bit about yourself?” he asked.  Her eyes flashed at him, her brows furrowing.  “So I can get to know you?  So I can care?”

“I’m sure those girls told you enough about me,” she commented.  “Whatever people say I am, I am.  Isn’t that how all this works?”

“No, and you know that,” he said.  “You apparently know all this information about me and about those girls with Auston, but why don’t I know anything about you?  Just be honest.”

“Well what’d those girls say about me?”

He paused before taking a deep breath.  “Cannibal.”

“Cannibal?”

“Serena said you were a cannibal.  Your parents – doctors.  Your family – loaded.  All the money in the world.  That you’re a model.  A bitch.  That you ruined someone’s career because they wouldn’t dress your friend for an event,” he listed off.

Aleida’s eyes narrowed at the last bit.  Her tone was as assertive as the click of her heels on the sidewalk on the way here.  “That designer attempted to sexually assault one of my best friends, so you’re damn right I ruined his career.  And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”

So she was misunderstood.  Or at least her life was.  Fred still didn’t know.  “But what’s the truth?”

“Isn’t there a bit of truth in everything?” she asked rhetorically.  

“You tell me.”

Aleida couldn’t help but let out a chuckle.  “Everything they told you about me is true.  Doctor parents.  Loaded.  All the money in the world.  A bitch.  A cannibal.”

“Yet you cry about your piano teacher dying,” he commented.  Her eyes shot daggers at him at his comment.  For a second, he was sure he was going to die right then and there.  “You’re hiding behind this tough exterior and I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude but I think you care more than anyone.”

“Don’t you ever use that against me ever again,” she snapped back at him.  “I do fucking care, okay?  Everybody fucking cares, and if they say they don’t they’re liars.  That’s why Serena was practically salivating at the mouth when she saw me and couldn’t handle it when I pretended not to know who she was.  She’ll call me a cannibal but if I’m the shark she’s that fish that attaches itself and sucks the bacteria off my body.”  Her tone was so scathing, Fred had never heard anything like it.  She paused.  “You want to know the truth?  Here’s your truth.  I’m Cuban-Canadian.  My dad is one of the best cardiologists in the entire world and my mother is the best plastic surgeon in the country.  I’ve got an older sister named Alejandra who’s a plastic surgeon too.  I grew up in Rosedale.  I went to private school.  I received the best education.  I have millions and millions of dollars at my disposal whenever I want it and get to spend it however I want it.  People ask me to model their clothes, to go to their events, to say nice things about them.  They want me to sing and play piano and give this air that their event is high-end and exclusive and luxurious just because I’m there – because my presence apparently means something to a lot of people in the city.  And every single one of those people – my dad, mom, sister, her husband, everybody who wants something from me – they look at me, all the time, but they don’t see me.  And for once in my life…for once in my life, I just want to be seen.”

Fred listened.  It was all he could do as she went into her speech.  There were no words of comfort that could be said to her, no grand gestures that could be done to make her feel better.  He barely knew her – really.  He barely knew her.  He only felt a connection to her; to her and her sad eyes, to her tears, to the image of her cathartic crying at two in the morning in a drugstore neither of them had any business of being in at that hour.  

So instead, he stared at her.  He nodded his head in understanding.  Because he did understand, to some extent – how people in their lives look but they never really see.  It was something that bound them together.  In the vast city of Toronto, from the bright lights of King Street West to the luxurious décor of Louix Louis, to the couch they found themselves sitting on sipping on an expensive wine, it connected them.

He took a deep breath.  “So you play piano then?  And you sing?” he asked.  Aleida nodded her head.  He couldn’t read her emotion as she took another sip of wine.  “Can I hear or see you play sometime?”

“No.”

Fred nodded.  It would take a while for her to open up more.  To show him more of herself, to let her guard and her attitude down.  For her to allow him to see her.

But he’d be there for it.

[babysprouseisart]

Honestly more things are pointing to a permanent separation for SH. No indications of any reconciliation sadly. And it makes it even harder without the confirmation. I guess when they start to get papped with their new SOs will be the day that it is confirmed they are done. And I hope it is soon. This push and pull with them is exhausting

Good day, anon, and welcome to hell. Screams for help will not save you, alas, because when it comes to a topic in which I am 99, 9% sure, I have no equals. I'm sorry you probably got the wrong address, but it's too late. I am merciless and bloodthirsty with anyone who tries to contradict my faith, tries to correct my point of view and convince me of their own, although I did not give it a reason. Because it's my fucking blog where I for x-billionth time has already expressed my exact points and agreed with some people which think and proved the exact opposite to all that you are saying. So be prepared to be slowly but surely tortured by my long ass post.

 So, let's start with what I said about my blog: only good vibes here. I am not interested/concerned about other opposite/negative feedings. I just don't want to make a big deal about it. Here, in my blog, we support Lili Pauline Reinhart and Cole Mitchell Sprouse in any case as couple as well as individuals.

 This means that under no circumstances do we talk about them, their relationships, their projects, their family, or their decisions in a negative way. Yes, we may disagree with something they do, where they do it, and how they do it (what they post, what they like/don't like, write or repost, who they meet, with whom they decide to be, live and communicate with, what they archive/unarchive, and so on), but we do not have the right to judge them or decide how to act. We also can't control it and it's none of our business.

 I repent if I once made the appearance of a person condemning one of them or their family for their actions and possible causes of the separation, it was only my objective external disagreement, points and thoughts aloud, nothing more rude, involved and inappropriate. And I think with many of my words said earlier (or the words of those I follow and reblog their posts) about the behavior of family/friends of Lili, Cole, and so on, people with brains and common sense could agree. Remember this, or write it on your forehead, so that the next time you write to me, you will see these words.

 Moving on, taking into account all of the above, I would like to tell you that it probably won't be enough for one blog to explain to you point by point all my beliefs and points of view on this subject, to prove to you that every fucking word you say is illogical shit and the most real nonsense. It feels like you're an alien who fell from another planet and decided to crawl into our hole with your impressions of a newborn baby who doesn't understand much about the world and its creators. Although in this case, I'm more of the opinion that you are a little asshole, in which the vein of hatred is boiling and you like to come to this and some other blogs to tell us your agenda although we have no idea where you have such rash thoughts, perhaps you have an extra chromosome? Dude, treat your paranoia.

 Further, given that I don't have much time and desire to describe all my points of view point by point, which, unlike your random set of words, really makes sense for hundreds or even thousands of people who have the gray matter to be able to think, I will attach my long - standing post, indicating all the facts at that time proving the opposite to yours. Although, I will try to supplement everything else as much as I can.

 While, we all ( I hope) already realized and accepted that for many reasons, during this quarantine, Lili and Cole had some problems, were distant and ended up apart for a certain period of time, immediately after the end point of the explosion and informing us of all these public actions on social media (I hope you understand), then after a few weeks, they were already confidently moving towards resolution and recovery and that's why:

https://babysprousehart.tumblr.com/post/618026656780648448/hello-i-hope-this-doesnt-come-off-negatively

This was written long before, but still has many valid points and I just want to widen some of them.

Take a sit and follow me word by word.

I shall start my addition of evidence, based on all the guesses and great opinions of others, as well as hints from the Lili and Cole themselves. I would like to start with a significant event and the day when Lili posted a photo from the Antelope Valley on April 28th, well, or 27th, depending on where you are.

Perhaps we lose some missing pieces in this puzzle and forget about something that was done earlier, but I just want to start counting from this moment.

A few facts about this photo/photos:

1) It was posted exactly 3 years later from their famous photoshoot, when very, very, very many people, mostly in media, began to suspect that there is something between them in a romantic way. It was exactly in the same place, exactly with the same style, exactly in a similar image (waving curly hair, light flying dress, black and white effect) and even without a capture. The picture marked the anniversary and is very important for the two of them. An undeniable fact, beat me.

2) That photo was definitely taken by Cole. Why?

Here are a couple more facts in addition to the first:

They have the quality of captured on professional camera.

You can see, that Lili did not tag the photographer and said jokingly that the photo was taken by Milo, why would she lie, or hide that it was anyone else, because clearly she just hid that because it was Cole.

You may have noticed that Austin, when asked who took the photo, whether she took it and whether she is a good photographer, says no and her reaction with a grin and laugh is priceless. She also didn't tag nor the photographer, neither Lili in her photos from there.

You can watch the vlog in the Colleen blog and see there are very similar figures to Cole, Lili and Milo walking along the valley, because, duh, they were there.

You can view her post, where you can see Cole from the back (notice his dark clothing, the same as on one of his post in the profile, which he has already deleted, as well as his position from which the photo of Lili was supposedly taken and it is just in the same place).

You can observe his style of photography and how similar the theme is to the photos from 2017.

You can see the same poppy behind his ear in one of the past stories.

You may have noticed that the photo of Lili is processed with the same effect as several photos in Cole's profile, and I can tell you as an amateur photo editor that it is very identical.

Question: why arrange such a significant photoshoot with your ex after a few weeks of separation? Why is Cole smiling in a photo (black and white one with a mustache and black clothes) probably taken there? Why is everything so secretive if they broke up? Why even post a photo that your ex-boyfriend definitely took? How can you calmly go to this place, which reminds you of your joint travels with your former lover? Therefore, this photo and later another one from there were the first iron arguments in confirming the improvement of things.

 I would like to continue with another ironclad proof.

Lili in early may very fiercely, after a few weeks of Cole's statements about slander and threats, which she did not respond to so clearly at the time, defended Cole and pointed out the private relationship and literally said that people should stop it and even though should hurt and bully her, but not him.

Question: did she defend her ex so publicly? Would Lili talk about a private relationship if that was the way her past relationship was most often? Would she have written anything at all if she didn't care about him and didn't feel something towards him? I don't think so, so it's gibberish to say so (about the break up) when it's the second unquestionable argument.

 Next, we need to talk about the general activity of Cole and Lili in social media. I just want to list some observations, in different order, but it seems like everything we have now:

If earlier it was visible in the posts of Lili that it was clearly a show off, then over time and after the published photos, she began to behave more sincerely and tenderly, began to publish Milo less, began to say that there was only the two of them less, has stopped showing how good she is without certain someone, as if for Cole showing that she could cope without him, which was visible in the posts and stories, she began to talk more about improving her mental health as a result of training, spoke about how later she was feeling better and that she was grateful for those who were with her and difficult times and in light moments, that you just need to live and enjoy.

Additionally, I can say how she shone with each photo, and it was a natural glow of happiness and settling down. She no longer sang sad songs or posted sad songs, on the contrary, posted sexy, funny and relaxed ones. She appeared more in photos taken by paparazzi. She posted sexy, energetic, romantic movies, funny cartoons, watched funny clips, was excited about her project, laughed, danced with her dog, played with a dog with macaroni, cosplayed Willy Wonka (we all have a feeling it’s Cole’s thing, no?), playing with sand, puzzles, posted funny memes in story, which unfortunately coolly accepted as the opposite, posted a poem with a typo and funny answered to a fan who corrected it, told more about poems and attached a photo with a fragment of a poem about love from her upcoming book. She liked some photos from the anniversary of the last episode of the series, where we remember there was a hot scene of her and Cole's character, she liked a Bughead drawing. Yesterday, she actually posted one of the sexiest videos that will not be posted, being single and lonely, we saw that she actually spent more personal time with Cole (I am not saying they weren’t doing t back then), which was investigated thanks to many amazing people here, and even if they don't live together yet, they are more likely to meet and have met with each other, and more hints on sexy times (because, come one, maybe Milo was the one who left a hickey on her neck, huh?), which is undeniable, just compare the fact that she is no longer in the old rental, and he is not in Kj's house, she then posted a photo from some place, which is very similar to where Cole shot a video with Jimmy Fallon.

 He also began to be more active in social networks, exactly after she started posting photos of the Antelope Valley, he posted a series of photos of the kissing couple, even if it was a gay drawings, they were filled with love, there was a photo of him with cattle with the sarcastic caption, then the photo about porn bots, with funny ask to leave him alone and saying it’s not allowed to be horny on quarantine, again a photo of himself with heart eyes that I talked about above, he posted a very funny video recently. There were more photos from the paparazzi after some time when Lili's usually flashed, and then it stopped, then his humorous photo in the washing machine appeared, which she probably had taken, and why so I explained in the attached post, he posted a photo from the walk, which was also probably taken with her, because again, she had a similar location, then he jokingly called Tommy ‘the’ muse, maybe roasting fans, but he didn’t use ‘my’, so, indicating he still has his own muse, then we saw him at that damn party, which caused people's panic, although he is an ordinary person and has the right to relax, and by the way at this party he was very happy and frisky, but nothing bad or shameful happened and he is innocent, then we even saw Cole, after Lili, delete many of the photos, although he had also unarchived some of them several times, as she had, which means that he did not delete them completely, but just removed many of them, leaving the most tender photo after or before the kiss at the famous moment when Lili wanted a toast and eggs at 1 am, or many photos reflecting her body, which also marks not a bad phenomenon, but a simple trolling from them. Proof of this trolling and unarchiving is on the vastness of other blogs and on Twitter, thanks to that girl's video.

 The way their condition and activity on social networks have changed is very noticeable and is also third undeniable fact of denial of the break up. You can compare photos of Cole taken by Alex, where he is clearly very sad and depressed, because it was taken somewhere in the interval of their real breakup. And compare this with his smiling and playful state during the interview with Jimmy, where he also sparkled with happiness and fun, constantly smiling and seemed to be aroused about something (or someone). I think even a newcomer will notice a change in their mood and attitude. You will see the difference. And this does not happen when going through the break up after 4 years of deeply imbued with love relationships. Please understand, damn it.

 I have listed alas not everything that speaks so vividly about things going in the right positive direction and is evidence that everything is getting better again, there will be only more I assure you and you will kiss my ass, as Cole said.

 Execution cannot be pardoned.

 You have one attempt to put a comma and decide your fate, but I think you’ll  fail because you are a total sucker anyway.

 Bye!

[bigskydreaming]

So this is definitely one of my least favorite things to do, because there’s so many people on here that need help, but if anyone has a couple bucks or a five they can spare, that would be an enormous help to me today. 

For those that know my situation, as far as I know, everything is still on track for me to have the lets-pull-all-twenty-eight - of-your-remaining-teeth-at-once-it’ll-be-fun! surgery on Tuesday. I’m reeeeally looking forward to it, and also the Month of Living Without Any Teeth At All while I heal and they figure out the fittings and everything for my bionic teeth or whatever. Everything about it sounds swell. Can’t wait, it’ll be great.

SO. The plan is for me to take the bus out to the desert on Monday afternoon, reenact some of the best scenes from Saw on Tuesday morning while under hopefully heavy sedation, with fingers and toes crossed that these doctors actually listen to me for once about my ridiculous metabolism making most anesthetics wear off super fast. Because. Ugh. Doctors literally never believe me about that which has led to some pretty not cool experiences in the past, but none of those experiences have been yanking out every one of my teeth by the root all in one go, soooooooo, if ever there was a time for them to think maybe I actually know what I’m talking about and make adjustments for that, I’m pretty sure I want this to be that time. 

Thanks to my keen intuition, I have predicted that this whole process is something I probably want to be deeply unconscious for, and during, and tbh, maybe a week or so after that too. But like, I’ll mostly settle for just not waking up when they’re only actually on tooth eight, you know?

If I seem like I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous, its probably cuz I’m babbling cuz I’m nervous. I’m so not kidding about unpleasant experiences with anesthetics in the past, so while this wasn’t actually my reason for making this post, while I’m thinking about it, if anyone wants to also maybe shoot a quick prayer-tweet over to whomever you might personally @ with that kind of thing, I would be super grateful for anything of that nature, like something along the lines of “Dear Merciful Higher Power/Universe/etc, if there’s any way you could see to it that Kalen spends most of Tuesday knocked the fuck out, that would be awesome, thanks!”

Its just, I’m kinda over being in excruciating pain all day every day, like, I gave it a shot, just don’t think its for me, I’m afraid I just don’t have what it takes to be a hardcore raging masochist or whatever, so I’m just really not looking to set any new personal pain records next week if at all possible.

ANYWAY, requests for spamming higher powers on my behalf aside, the other reason for this post is I only have $3 in my bank account and an appointment this afternoon whose co-pay is going to be $50. But I can NOT miss this appointment, its super critical. See, so, the other thing is, my jaw has decided its reached the point where it just doesn’t want to close at all anymore, so I’ve gone from only eating once a day to only eating no times a day, and since I’ve already lost an absurd amount of weight and muscle mass over the last two years because of all this shit, they’ve put me on a regimen of regular IV intakes or whatever that’s called, just to like....get the nutrients I need into me somehow, y’know?  

And especially with the surgery coming up on Tuesday, and my immune system all shot to hell and my various other Vitally Important By-Products of Eating Food levels are low enough to have my doctor using mostly just four letter words when reviewing my latest labs, they’re literally trying to pump me full of as much of the various Nutrients And Other Stuff IVs as they safely can between now and then. And as much as I’ve been pretty much going 24/7 trying to stay afloat with all of this, I just...did NOT budget for needing to be hooked up to an IV every other day because my fucking jaw picked now to level up on being an asshole and like, physically will not cooperate with my attempts to survive on cheap $5 a day meals. 

So instead this week its been $50 co-pays every other day, because apparently when your body for whatever reason literally can’t take in the cheap 7-11 snacks and Happy Meals you usually live off of because That’s How Being Poor Works, it makes total sense that the one and only alternative for keeping your body fueled is to go to this little clinic place that hooks you up like you’re at a gas station, except you’re some kinda pretentious European model that won’t accept any less than the top dollar diesel, because I guess even Bags of Nutrient Water gotta somehow manage to be name brand shit, because yay capitalism. Everything about it is just so efficient and logical and works so well, especially if you’re part of the 99%.

Anyway I’m TRULY sorry I’m all over the place with this, I haven’t taken my ADHD meds because swallowing is the Devil’s Work right now, and also I haven’t had my daily Bag of Nutrient Water yet so my brain is like no I will not be cooperating. To sum up, once I get to next week I’m all set, everything’s in place for the surgery, insurance, I have a place to recuperate, I even already have my bus ticket for Monday purchased, my specific monetary issue right now is I am literally down to my last $3, I am currently physically unable to chew my way through a full meal, so I’m literally just paying co-pays of $50 every other day to spend 45 minutes sitting in a chair while my body sucks life-sustaining nutrient water through a needle. 

That might actually be the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever said or heard said and yet its factually 100% true. Our world is so fucking bonkers, jfc.

Literally ANY help getting me to today’s appointment, would be amazing, and then I have one scheduled for Monday morning before I leave, if I can find a way to make that too. And tbh I don’t actually know if one is even an option for tomorrow yet because the clinic I’ve been going to so far isn’t open tomorrow and I’ve yet to hear back if my doctor found somewhere else to send me that I can actually get to. So who the fuck even knows.

So yeah, sorry for making you ping-pong your way through that mess, this is my brain on Empty, like I said, I haven’t had my Bag of Water yet today. But any help is appreciated, whether reblogs, donations or good-thought-tweets for me on Tuesday. I’m a big fan of any of the above. Even $2 or $5 gets me closer to what I need, and if you can’t spare anything or have already sent or are sending what you can spare to another donation post, I totally and completely understand. And again, even just....good thoughts for Tuesday would be awesome, and certainly can’t hurt. I’m not like, worried about the surgery or whatever, its pretty simple, its more just....extensive. And my only real hope or want for it is just keeping the Ow factor as limited as it can possibly be. Whether that’s from the doctors coming through with a good strong hit of the goofy juice or some higher power telling all my nerve endings to take a sick day or just sit this one out, I am so open to either or anything in between or even coming out of left field.

And now I’m done. Thank you. You’re all rockstars, or insert your genre of choice. In conclusion, capitalism sucks, eat the rich, and buy a  bi a bag of water today please. I’m pretty sure there’s a T-shirt slogan in there somewhere, but fuck if I can pin it down.If anyone else does, hey, go nuts with it. I’m literally a bi guy who needs to buy bags of nutrient water every other day right now. That’s so fucking dumb, someone’s gotta be able to milk some mileage out of it.

My Paypal:

https://paypal.me/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

Or if that link doesn’t work, try this one instead:

https://www.paypal.com/paypalme2/bigskydreaming?locale.x=en_US

My Ko-fi page: https://ko-fi.com/kalenp

[colbybrocksmolder]

Tumblr – Colby Brock x Reader

Tumblr is…a mixed bag. You’d made some of your closest internet friends on this poorly run website, but you’d also received more than your share of crazy fangirl hate. What’s crazy though, is how easy it is to make friends in the Sam and Colby fandom on Tumblr. 99% of everyone you’ve met is super nice and the group kind of shuts down the haters pretty quickly.

This last round of drama kind of wore everyone down. It all started with a hate anon that your friend DaddyDobrock received. “If Sam and Colby saw half of what you guys wrote on here they wouldn’t want you as fans 🙄.” She handled it well. She laughed and told the anon to lighten up and fuck off. You guys were pretty used to petty hate anons and rarely answer them, but boy was this asshole persistent.

Absolute-randomness-forever replied to a similar message with “If you don’t like what we post, don’t follow us?” Again, not really feeding into any drama.

Sp00kybrock got one trying to get her opinion on the whole thing. “Don’t you think most of the Sam and Colby tumblr fandom is toxic? Like, I bet Colby would cringe so hard if he went on this site. 🙄” She defended her friends, laughing it off. “My friends and I aren’t toxic. We post memes and joke around, but we support the boys 100%.”

Jakeywebber commented on a few of the new posts. “Does this person even watch the boys? They obviously don’t know that their sense of humor is exactly like ours.”

The anons continued to come in, a few other people getting them but not replying. They always ended with 🙄. The problem with one toxic anon is that they attract others that want to feed into the drama, and soon the hate is taken too far.

Someone got an anon telling them to kill themselves. Eye rolling emoji included. The blog posted the anon with no comment other than “deleting now” and went offline. To say that the rest of you were up in arms is an understatement. Lightenupbrock, that-one-brock-boy, badassbrock, the-sun-is-dark, colbyjacksmack, rewindfridaynight, xplr-lurker, brockboytrashz…you all jumped in and defended your friend. You sent them messages making sure they were okay, trying to convince them not to delete.

*Twitter notification* Colby Brock Tweeted : “FYI we see more than you think we see. Don’t pretend to be our fan and then treat other fans like shit. Especially anonymously. 🙄”

Daddydobrock posted “Anyone else see this?” with a screenshot of the tweet.

A few of the others reblogged it, adding comments. By the end of the thread, your group of friends was convinced that Colby either had a tumblr or occasionally lurked on it.

*tumblr messages*

Xplr-lurker : Hey, have you heard from the girl that got the kys anon?

You and Xplr-lurker had been tumblr friends for about 6 months. They messaged you after they saw how you interacted with the other blogs. You were always helpful, kind, encouraging…You had a reputation for being a sweetheart and Xplr-lurker had messaged you thanking you for it. You two became friends pretty quickly, asking how each other’s days went and such. Neither of you ever really posted your personal info on your blogs, but you knew a bit about each other. You both lived in Cali, you were about the same age, and you loved sending each other super emo tumblr posts when you were bored. Usually hella late at night. He knew you were a girl and you knew he was a guy. Other personal details kind of trickled through in your everyday interactions.

Y/n : Yeah. She doesn’t want to be online for a while, but she isn’t going to delete her blog. I gave her my phone number just in case she needed to talk.

Xplr-lurker : I figured you would 😊 I’m glad she’s okay.

Y/n : Me too.

Y/n : Hey, did you see Colby’s tweet? I think he saw all of this go down. I mean, maybe I’m just assuming too much, but he ended a tweet about anon hate with that stupid eye roll emoji just like the anon does.

Xplr-lurker : I mean, he said he checks his dms all the time. Maybe someone sent it to him?

Y/n : Maybe.

Y/n : Honestly, I’m just as mad for him and Sam as I am for the girl. How shitty is it that they have to watch the people who call themselves fans treat other fans like garbage? And they can’t do a thing about it.

Xplr-lurker : That sounds like it would suck.

Y/n : Right?

You had written a whole big post about how hypocritical it was for this toxic anon to accuse everyone else of being bad for the fandom when they were so willing to go out of their way to harm other fans. You reminded them about the videos Sam and Colby used to post about being confident and helping others. Their entire YouTube career started with them making videos wanting to help people. Just like every other post, you signed it with two black heart emojis. 🖤🖤

You had continued talking to xplr-lurker as you wrote the post. Venting a little bit about how frustrated you were.

*Twitter notification* Colby Brock Tweeted : “Don’t worry, we know there are amazing fans out there, too. 🖤🖤”

Y/n : Dude. I think I’m paranoid, now.

Xplr-lurker : What do you mean?

Y/n : Nothing. I’m exhausted. I just need sleep, lol. You do too, nerd. You said you needed to be up by 9 and it’s already 4am.

Xplr-lurker : Holy shit, my friend is going to kill me if I’m falling asleep tomorrow, haha.

Y/n : Haha, good luck! I’ll talk to you later.

Xplr-lurker : Thanks. Sweet dreams.

See, it’s pretty common for social media influencers to have secret accounts. It gives them a way to like posts and follow fans without starting drama. After collabing with CrankThatFrank, Colby was convinced to make a tumblr. He picked Xplr-lurker so that it made sense for him to interact with his own fans. He mostly just reblogged cool edits and funny traphouse memes. He’d comment on funny posts and throw his two cents in on theories and gossip. For the most part, it was kind of fun. People on tumblr were brutally honest but fucking hilarious. He never planned on talking about tumblr or letting anyone he interacted with on tumblr know that he was behind the username…but then he found your blog. He’d contemplated telling you for a few weeks now. The two of you talked almost every night and he felt bad. He felt like he was lying to you.

He’d first messaged you just to say a quick thanks for being so positive in the fandom, but the more he talked to you the more he kept wanting to talk to you.

The 🙄 anon stopped sending people messages after Colby’s tweet. Your friends on tumblr were able to go back to posting ridiculous screenshots and cool photo edits over the next week or so. You’d reblogged a gif of Colby about to lose his shorts on a waterslide with the caption “I feel like Elton has been trying to get Colby naked in vlogs since the start of TFIL”.

Xplr-lurker : *sent waterslide post*

Xplr-lurker : This is a fat fact. Lol.

Y/n : Right? Hahahahaha

Xplr-lurker : I think he does it for views.

Y/n : Probably. It’s the same reason Colby gets shirtless in his own videos. He knows people will click the thumbnail, haha.

Colby sat on his balcony laughing. You were absolutely right.

Xplr-lurker : Is that why you clicked?

Y/n : Haha, nah. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a beautiful human being. You’d have to be blind not to see that. But I found Colby through TFIL.  

Xplr-lurker : What made you keep watching him then?

Colby felt bad for baiting you out, but his curiosity got the better of him. As far as you knew, he was just another fan. This is when he’d get your most honest answer.

Y/n : A lot. First, he’s a huge goofball. Watching him and his friends do dumb shit to make each other laugh is the best.

Y/n : And everything him and Sam have done together? Those two dudes are fearless. They just remind me that I’m the only one holding myself back, you know? One day I’ll actually get out of my own way and make something of myself.

Y/n : He also seems super genuine. He never seems afraid to speak his mind or call something like it is. It actually bums me out watching some of his “friends”, If you know what I mean. I know that not everything they put out there is 100% accurate to how they actually are in real life, but I hate that slimy feeling I get knowing that a lot of them use Sam and Colby and don’t actually give a shit.

Y/n : I know I sound like a massive fangirl at this point, haha. I think I just needed to get that off my chest.

Colby sat there trying to figure out how to respond. He had a huge grin on his face seeing you spill your guts like you did.

Xplr-lurker : Haha, don’t worry about it. You just sound like you care. That’s not a bad thing.

Over the next few weeks, you guys continued to talk like normal, but it got a little more personal. He wanted to be able to call you a friend, but he was still afraid to tell you who he actually was. You two talked more about your passions and the things you struggle with. You’d always sent each other music to check out, but he’d confessed that he’d been dabbling in trying to write lyrics. He needed to find a way to talk to you as COLBY and not xplr-lurker.

*Twitter notification* Colby Brock Tweeted : “You feel so close but in reality I’m sitting here on my balcony alone.”

One of your tumblr friends had screenshot the tweet, adding the caption “This is how it feels to have better friends on the internet than in real life.”

You reblogged it and tagged xplr-lurker. You added “I wouldn’t trade our late-night talks for the world.”

Xplr-lurker : *sent tagged post*

Xplr-lurker : Yeah?

Y/n : Duh. You know that.

Xplr-lurker : Same.

Colby sat there, his fingers hovering over the keyboard on his phone.

*Twitter notification* Colby Brock Tweeted : “1 like = 1 ‘don’t be a pussy’ whispered in my ear.”

Xplr-lurker : Not to sound like a creepy internet person, but have you ever met any of your internet friends in real life?

Y/n : Haha, I don’t think you’re creepy. And yes! I’ve met a few of them. Why?

Xplr-lurker : I know we live in the same city and I’ve always wondered if you’d want to get coffee or something.

Y/n : That would mean that you’d get to see how awkward and clumsy I am in real life. I don’t know if I’m willing to put you through that, hahaha.

Colby laughed. That response was better than the “fuck off, creeper” he expected.

Xplr-lurker : Oh, shut up. You’d be the one dealing with me being awkward.

Y/n : Suuuuuuure. You don’t know what you’re getting yourself into.

Y/n : I’m actually walking home from my favorite coffee shop right now, haha. It’s called 101. They’re open until 3 am and they have the best food.

Xplr-lurker : WHY ARE YOU WALKING ALONE SO LATE AT NIGHT?!

It was well past 2am and the thought of you walking the streets of LA by yourself kind of had Colby on edge.

Y/n : I live like 5 minutes away. Don’t worry.

Colby pulled up 101 Coffee Shop on his phone. It was less than a 10 minute drive from his apartment. *We actually live pretty close* he thought, switching back to the tumblr app.

Xplr-lurker : Tell me when you make it home safe. LA is scary at night.

Xplr-lurker : Also, that coffee shop is not far from me. If you ever want to meet up there, I’m down.

Y/n : I just walked in my front door. Stop worrying, mom.

Y/n : And I’ll be headed back there tomorrow around midnight. My roommate’s boyfriend is obnoxious and he comes over every night around then. I usually hang out at the coffee shop and work on stuff on my laptop for a few hours.

Xplr-lurker : I’m glad you’re safe. I’ll definitely try to make it there tomorrow.

Y/n : I’ll be the one with the messy bun, laptop, and baggy Y&R hoodie, lol.

Xplr-lurker : If I don’t chicken out, I’ll wear an XPLR hoodie.

Y/n : Well I need to go to sleep. If I don’t see you tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll still talk to you on here.

Xplr-lurker : For sure! Have a good night!

Y/n : You too. 🖤🖤

“Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.” Colby said, sighing. This was it. He was either going to walk into that coffee shop and blow his cover or he was going to chicken out like a little bitch.

The whole next day he had a hard time paying attention to anything or anyone. He was too busy trying to figure out the best way to tell you who he was.

“Colby!” Sam laughed, waving his hand in front of his friend’s face.

“What? Sorry.” Colby said, shaking his head and turning towards Sam.

“You okay?” Sam asked. Colby just stared at him for a minute. “I’m going to take that as a no?”

“I’m not, not okay.” Colby answered, sounding cryptic.

“Okaaaayyy.” Sam said slowly. “Care to explain?”

“I’m just nervous to meet up with someone later.” Colby tried to sound casual. “It’s nothing big. I’m just anxious, I guess.”

“Who?” Sam asked.

“A girl I met online.” Colby said, waiting for Sam to tease him.

Sam furrowed his brows. “Like on a dating app?”

“No.” Colby shook his head. “She’s a fan.”

Sam made a confused face. “Not to make it sound like I think you’re stupid, but are you being catfished again?” He laughed.

Colby couldn’t help but crack a smile, hiding his face behind his hands. “No, actually. I don’t even know what this girl looks like.”

“What?!” Sam asked, confused.

“That’s not the weirdest part.” Colby said, peeking through his fingers at his best friend. “She doesn’t know I’m me.”

“Is this for a video or something?” Sam asked, not understanding at all what was going on.

“Nope. I made an account to interact with fans and we just kind of clicked.” Colby tried explaining. “We’ve been friends for like 6 months, but we only ever talk through our usernames. The more I say this out loud the crazier it sounds.” Colby laughed.

“Sooooo, you’ve never seen a picture of her?” Sam asked.

“Nope. Not for sure. I THINK I found her personal blog, but I could be wrong.” Colby answered. “I only know her name because it’s in her profile, but she’s never asked me mine.”

“Is she going to be mad?” Sam asked, trying to wrap his head around the whole thing.

“That’s kind of why I’m so nervous.” Colby said, biting his lip. “She told me where she’s going to be tomorrow night and I don’t know if I should just show up or if I should rip the band-aid off and tell her who I am in our dms before we’re supposed to meet up.”

Sam had a blank stare on his face. “I honestly have no idea how to help you.”

“Don’t feel bad. I don’t know how to help myself.” Colby laughed.

“Tell me how it goes?” Sam asked.

“Of course.” Colby nodded, zoning out again.

At around 11:30pm you’d walked to the coffee shop. You ordered a drink and your late dinner and sat down in the corner booth. You worked on some things you were currently writing and gone through and caught up with your emails. At about 1am, you’d convinced yourself your tumblr friend had chickened out.

Right around 12:30am, Colby was stood in front of the coffee shop he was supposed to meet you at. There were only a few people currently in the shop, so it was pretty easy to figure out which one was you. He’d taken a deep breath and walked through the door, darting to the counter when he started to panic. With his back to you, he ordered a coffee. *I don’t even like coffee* he thought to himself. He kept peeking at you from the pick-up counter while he waited for his order. You had headphones in your ears, mouthing the lyrics to whatever song you were listening to. When the barista called out his name, he grabbed his coffee and left the shop.

Xplr-lurker : I’m stuck.

Xplr-lurker : You’re normally the person I go to for advice, but I feel like it’s unfair to put this one on you.

Xplr-lurker : You’re beautiful, btw.

You looked up from your computer, searching for your friend.

Y/n : Thank you? Are you here?

Xplr-lurker : I was. I chickened out. I kind of panicked.

Y/n : Aww, I promise you have no reason to panic. So why are you stuck? I’m always here to listen and give advice when I think I can help. You know that.

Colby sighed, sitting in his car.

Xplr-lurker : I guess it’s better just to come out with it.

Xplr-lurker : My name is Colby.

You waited a few seconds for further explanation.

Y/n : Okay? I don’t get it.

Xplr-lurker : Like, I am Colby Brock. I made this account to interact with fans.

Y/n : Please tell me you’re just fucking with me as a friend and not a delusional fanboy that’s trying to actually convince me he’s someone he’s not.

*Great* you thought to yourself. Not only did you have to walk home at night by yourself in LA, now you had to keep an eye out for a crazy person who wanted you to believe they were Colby. You thought this person was your friend and now you were afraid to leave the coffee shop.

Xplr-lurker : Neither? I know I fucked up by not telling you sooner.

Y/n : Well, since whoever is on the other end of this message knows I’m here alone, I’m going to call my roommate to pick me up. You know, you were really cool. You were my favorite person to talk to. This really sucks. You didn’t have to be anyone but yourself.  

When Colby tried to reply to your message, the chat said that he had been blocked. “Oh, fuck.” He said, jumping back out of his car. When he got to the door of the coffee shop, he could see that you were packing up your stuff.

“Y/n!” he called from the door, walking towards your booth.

Your eyes flew towards the boy walking in your direction, your hands frozen holding your laptop.

Colby slowly slid into the other side of the booth you were sitting in, putting his phone down with the tumblr app open. “I’m so sorry.”

“What the fuck?” you whispered, still not moving.

“You have every right to be mad at me and I swear I never meant to freak you out. I didn’t really think it through when I told you who I was. Is your roommate coming?” He asked, talking so fast you could barely process what he was saying.

You sat your laptop down and grabbed his phone. “My roommate wouldn’t come pick me up even if I did call her.” You said, looking at the tumblr app on Colby’s phone. You were the only person he had messaged.

“You were going to walk?” Colby asked, grabbing his phone when you handed it back to him.

“I was going to order an Uber.” You laughed. “This is crazy. You’re crazy.”

“Are you mad?” Colby’s face was apprehensive, waiting for you to tell him to fuck off.

“A little.” You nodded, laughing. “You asked me questions about yourself! I fangirled to you about you!” You remembered, covering your now blushing cheeks with your hands, hiding your face.

He laughed. “I feel the need to say this in person…You’re beautiful.” He watched as you peeked over your fingers. “And I’m the one that should be embarrassed about that, not you.”

“Why did you ask me to meet if you didn’t want me to know who you were?” You asked, remembering that this whole thing was his idea.

He laughed, reaching to grab one of your hands. “I’ve been trying to nut up and tell you who I am for over a month.”

“Why me? You didn’t even know what I looked like?” You were still trying to take in the fact that Colby Brock was sitting here in your favorite coffee shop holding your hand.

“I didn’t really care what you looked like. You’ve been a great friend to me since we first started talking and I was just some random person you met online…That has nothing to do with how someone looks.” He explained, blushing before continuing. “The fact that you’re also adorable is just an added bonus.”

You laughed, pulling your hand out of his so you could re-do your messy bun that was currently falling. “This is crazy. I want to re-read everything I’ve ever sent to you to make sure I didn’t make a complete fool out of myself.”

“Y/n.” Colby laughed. “You didn’t. I promise. There’s not a single thing you’ve told me that I don’t like.”

You stared at him for a moment, trying to figure out what the hell you were supposed to do now. “I have one question.” You said, leaning your elbows on the table.

“Ask away.” He answered, leaning forward the same way you were.

“What’s the REAL reason Elton always tries to get you naked in his vlogs?” You smirked, hearing Colby bust a gut laughing.

“Honestly, I’ve questioned it myself. The only answer that keeps me sane is clickbait.” He shook his head. “So, we’re good?” he asked.

“I mean, I don’t know WHAT we are, but I hope it isn’t bad.” You laughed.

“Well, we’ve been friends for over 6 months. I’d like to still claim that even though you know now that I’ve been a dumbass this entire time.” He smiled.

“I think I can deal with that.” You smiled back at him.

“Should I push my luck and ask you if I can buy you another coffee?” He asked, a shy look on his face. “I think coffee is disgusting, but I hear coffee shops make for great first dates.”

“You went from being afraid to show your face to asking me on a date.” You laughed.

“Well?” Colby said, waiting for your answer.

You nodded, your cheeks turning pink. “I’d love another coffee.”

I can remove any of the tumblrs I’ve used if you’re uncomfortable being mentioned. @daddydobrock @absolute-randomness-forever @sp00kybrock @jakeywebber @lightenupbrock @that-one-brock-boy @badassbrock @the-sun-is-dark @colbyjacksmack @rewindfridaynight @brockboytrashz 

[the-prophet-lemonade]

do you have any advice on getting a story to be seen? i made an ao3 account not too long ago so no one has seen my fic at the moment but i was wondering if you had any tips on that, or would i just have to wait?

hello! i can’t claim to know what makes a fic popular as it’s 99% luck, but i can speak for the remaining 1% that has worked ~reasonably~ well for me in the past. 

i think there are three key elements to getting a fic “seen”: marketing, branding, and presentation, and they’re all very important. this post got very long, so please find everything under the cut! i hope it helps :-) 

i. marketing

fic marketing may seem a bit narcissistic if you haven’t done it before, but trust me on this: it’s the best way to attract readers and you deserve to promoted your story as something you worked hard upon!

drumming up hype for a fic is great. you can do this by posting on social media, providing sneak peaks on your twitter, involving yourself in the fandom community and discussing your wips with other fans, and just generally being excited about what you’re creating. engaging with other people’s writing is also a great method to help boost your own stats … get involved with reading other work and leaving comments for other people, because they will be more likely to return the favour! when someone comments on my fics, i often go and check out their profile and see what they’ve written, as it’s highly likely we enjoy the same things! 

making promos is one of my favourite ways to engage with people about fics. once i post a fic/new chapter to ao3, i also crosspost promo posts with links and graphics to my twitter and tumblr. you will need a good hook to get people interested, but also an eye-catching image that summarises the story pictorially can be a great asset (you don’t even need photoshop, just a nice moodboard will do!). when using images however, it’s always important to think how the image size will appear in tumblr’s dimensions and on your own blog … make sure it’s not stretched or the resolution too low, and create something with a good visual flow i.e. the title appears first, then the necessary information, then any teasers or extracts. you need to make your fic post stand out on someone else’s timeline, which may already be filled with a bunch of other fic posts, jostling for attention. make it neat, clean, informative, and professional.

make sure to use the tagging systems efficiently for your chosen social media platforms: only the first five tags count on a tumblr post, so choose them wisely (i.e. use the key fandom tags first and save your personal blog tags for after), and only two hashtags count on twitter before it’s marked as spam, so go for the ship tag!

creating your own fic tag on twitter can also be fun, and i’ve seen a lot more people doing it lately too. you can encourage people to tweet along with a specialised hashtag and then you can find their reaction and engage with them later, which once again expands your fandom circle and will increase engagement on tweets associated with your fic.  

another trick i’ve learned is utilising time zones and understanding the demographics of the audience you’re trying to reach. i am very careful to post my fics at certain times of day in order to reach key people e.g. i will try to hit either europeans or americans during the evening, as this is when most people are home from work and wanting to read fic. as a european myself, especially involved in fandoms with high levels of european fans, i usually post during the early evening for CET time zones i.e. 7 or 8 pm and i tend to find this works for me. 

with tumblr, i often delay my promo posts so that i post when it’s likely to get maximum interaction (you can see when your blog is most active using your tumblr analytics) … use your queue if need be! 

i also take care in reblogging/retweeting my promo posts at certain times of day too. i will usually bump the post just before i go to bed, so as to grab americans in their early evening, and then i will bump it again in the morning when i wake up, to catch australians and west coast americans still awake. i then usually keep bumping my promos once a day for two or three days on my social media to cast a wide enough net to catch as many people who might be interested, as not everyone checks their timeline every day and social media swallows up posts so quickly, especially tumblr which is not built for original content creators to do well (lol). i will usually bump a promo post 5 - 7 times before retiring it and this is a model that’s worked well for me in the past, especially for droplets, which would get 500+ notes per chapter!  if you’re anxious about this, know that most people will only see your post once or twice because tumblr moves fast and swallows posts up very quickly, and sometimes people need reminders to read if they decide to save things for later when they have more time

ii. branding

the benefits of branding mainly come from experience, so it’s a tricky thing to utilise if you haven’t published fic before … but there are still tricks worth trying! 

certain fic writers will attract readers to new fics just because their name is attached to it, and people know the sort of story they’re getting, they know how it’ll be written, the sort of tropes that will appear, that sort of thing. obviously, building up this sort of brand requires publishing a lot of work, and so it must be said that practice makes perfect: the more you write and publish, the more your fics will be seen and your audience will grow. people will regularly see your username in the tags on ao3 and be more inclined to click on you as someone who reliably produces good content. it’s important to remember that everyone starts from the same place and works hard to improve their craft; success doesn’t just come overnight (unless you’re in the right place at the right time) and any creator will tell you that compliments to their talent aren’t what matters, but instead, it’s compliments to their dedication and hard graft. 

another key thing about branding is how you present yourself online. the most important thing in my opinion is cohesion across your social media platforms e.g. having the same username on ao3 as you do on tumblr/twitter/wherever you promote your fic. having an easily navigatable blog with working hyperlinks and archiving of your fic work is also great. basically, building a clean interface for people to engage with your work is vital! having the same icon and username across all your social media makes it so much easier for readers to navigate between your fics and your promo posts … basically, the easier you can spell something out, the better

branding is mostly to do with how you advertise yourself, rather than the particular fic, although much of it overlaps. get your name out there by engaging with other writers and making friends and appreciating their work! this is often the best way to get inspired, plus you get to meet some amazing people. i recommend trying out for zines and big bangs and writing challenges, as these are good ways to show your work to already-established audiences. also, make yourself available by interacting with commentors or by opening up your inbox on tumblr to anons. try linking your social media and your inbox as hyperlinks in the authors note of your fic

iii. presentation

this is really fundamental and is often the main reason people will close out of your fic and not read to the end. people want to read fics that are easy to digest and have had care put into them. this includes a lot of things:

correct tagging i.e. are the tags coherent and not just rambling? are there appropriate trigger warnings in place? have you unnecessarily tagged every side pairing under the sun, rather than just the main relationship?

grammar and spelling. goes without saying … people are more likely to read things that look professional and have had care poured into their preparation. make sure you know how to use speech punctuation. revise how to use commas. avoid epithets (especially racially-aggravated ones). get yourself a beta if you’re worried, because betas are godsends!

paragraphing. so many people will close out of a fic if it isn’t correctly spaced. double spaced paragraphs look best on ao3 and i often won’t read a fic if the paragraphs are too long because it hurts my eyes to read. make sure you’re starting new speakers in new paragraphs. new ideas deserve new paragraphs. basically, every time the “camera” changes, you should be starting a new paragraph. not just a new line. 

summaries. i see so many fics on ao3 with summaries that are either apologising for being bad at summaries or apologising for a fic being bad/being a first fic, and like … stop this! own what you have written, no-one else will have written it the way you have and you should be proud of it. if you’re saying in your summary that it’s a bad fic, i’m not going to click on it as a reader. instead, utilise your summary to get people hooked … good hooks can be written a load of different ways, but the best ones i see often involved a snippet from the fic as a taster, and then a couple lines of blurb. get people excited! 

titles: i’m personally more likely to click on a fic where the title is either (a) correctly capitalised or (b) is clearly chosen for its aesthetic or meaning (i love long lower case titles with parentheses lol). choosing a memorable title is really helpful, especially one that can be shortened or abbreviated for social media (e.g. for hashtags)!

all this being said, traffic on ao3 is a crytpid at best and obeys little in the way of rhyme or reason. you can put blood, sweat and tears into marketing your fic, but sometimes, just being in the right place at the right time (writing for the right niche) is what does it, so being a fic writer requires a lot of patience. first and foremost, write for yourself. write what you want to read and enjoy doing it, because if you get sucked into obsessively checking stats, it’s only going to disappoint when you don’t achieve what you want to achieve. 

just keep persevering and keep writing and appreciating each and every person who takes time in interact with your fic and its promos … because ultimately, all it takes it that one reader to fall head over heels in love with your fic for everything to change. for now, just be proud of your work and keep writing!

[xtattlecrimex-blog]

Speaking Of Pretentious Pseudo-Intellectuals:

Let’s talk about internet psychologist @ravenstag-wytch​ who thinks she knows everything because she took a psych-101 course once and likes to use every cliche trope in the book to “internet diagnose” people with “problems” which if she knew anything about psychology at all she’d know she couldn’t do. So, here’s the little DM she sent me because well...she practically BEGGED me for attention while claiming I’M an attention whore, weird right? Here we go. 

I find this message interesting for a few reasons. 

Look at how she starts this whole thing like she’s about to write a fucking thesis, that’s how we already know we are dealing with someone who’s about to say a bunch crap that they have absolutely know education in. 

1. There are posts on your blog in which you rant and rave about people not listening to you or reading your posts correctly, yet it’s very clear that you didn’t read mine. I never said that you said no other fandom was like this; I was simply pointing out the fact that all fandoms have the crazies (because it’s true).

Yes this is pretty much what the fandom uses to dismiss my argument they never read the rest of what I say which funnily enough despite all her accusations against me she still didn’t manage to see. Even in the original DM I sent her. Where I clarified that, I know there are crazies in every fandom that was never the point I was trying to make. What I was saying is the majority of the Hannibal fandom is crazy and that’s the difference. In larger fandoms, the crazy people are the minority not the majority so they can be more easily ignored. That’s not the case with the Hannibal fandom, and as such, the majority represents the minority who are mostly good people. Weird that she couldn’t finish reading all of that before jumping down my throat right? Moving on. 

I’ve been participating in fandoms for about 15 years, so I know from experience. If anything, your response showed just how quick you are to jump on the defense, to the point where you don’t bother to finish listening to the other party. 

Not true I read all of what you said and what they have to say but it’s very clear from this response you did not finish reading what I told you so you are literally projecting your own problems onto me and acting superior about it. Also if people are “experts” based on how long they’ve “been in fandoms” I’ve been doing it longer so I’m more of an “expert”. Just to clarify this is sarcasm, how long anyone has or hasn’t been in “Fandoms” doesn’t matter. 

These are bad debate skills, and since you seem to have made an entire hobby out of being argumentative on the internet, you should perhaps brush up on debate etiquette; you simply look like a fool. Perhaps you know this, which is why you chose to PM me instead of reblog and make your defense public. 

Bad debate skills? How? I read all of what you said, you didn’t read all of what I said before writing me an essay about everything wrong with me. I’m pretty sure you’re the one with bad debate skills. Also what debate were we even having? This wasn’t a debate. I thought she misunderstood my argument and my point about the majority of the fandom representing the group which makes the normal people in the group look bad. This isn’t a debate, why is she classifying it as such? To make her feel better? To make her feel like she won? Yeah probably. Also I didn’t reply in public because I thought it was more polite to discuss it privately not because I’m a coward or my only hobby is arguments on the internet? That’s a weird conclusion to jump to. 

 2. ...speaking of. I see another, quite long post on the “issue” of the Hannibal fandom being “obsessive”. I find this to be really interesting as well, considering that it’s very obvious that you are inherently obsessed with the Hannibal fandom (and in quite a negative way). You have put in more effort into your posts than some of us have on actually contributing to the fandom. 

I type 90 words per minute anything you’ve seen me write took me 5 minutes at most and 99% of it is copy and pasted from things I wrote years ago and are being cross posted on this blog to get traffic to my website. So...really it’s not taking as much time as you think it’s taking. 

I also see you make YouTube videos doing the same - again, a clear display of obsessive behaviour. That’s quite hypocritical of you, no matter how you look at it. 

Have you watched any of these videos? No? Because the vast majority of these videos talk about people in the fandom running scams, preying on young girls, and stalking celebrities. The vast majority of the videos I have done are not about the show, not about the “general fandom” they are about criminals in the fandom and the crimes they are committing. Now I’m really sorry if it’s “obsessive” to want criminals to be held accountable for crimes they are committing but if it is, then I I guess I’m just a bad person. I’m assuming that you haven’t watched any videos or looked at one or two titles if that’s what you think my channel is about. Also, that channel has existed for I think 5 years? So those videos have gone up over a LONG PERIOD OF TIME not a week. That’s pretty normal non obsessive behavior. Might want to figure out the difference. 

And as an aside... I had the wonderful opportunity of attending a Hannibal convention for the very first time this year, and I was overwhelmingly surprised at how incredibly lovely the people in this fandom are. Many times, I mentioned that I’d never been part of such a frictionless, bright fandom full of caring and just overall wonderful people. 

Just because you’ve never had the experience I have that means I must be lying and it’s not true nor could it have possibly happened. Very mature outlook there. You are “sorry” I had this experience because your very small, only ever attended one convention with cult members was “normal” and “fun”. Except I’m willing to go out on a limb and say that if you found these people NORMAL and inviting you are exactly the type of crazy person I’m talking about and have been all along so lol why am I even trying? 

So many people have said the same. I’m actually very sorry that you haven’t had the same experience. Regarding your claims about sanity/mental illness... First, I see no facts; only opinions. Please present your proof if you are going to argue a point (this goes back to debate skills - innocent until proven guilty and all that), and also be sure to include numbers since you are saying such things as “the MAJORITY”, etc. My experiences with this fandom have been exactly the opposite as yours.

Okay so now she’s repeated herself, and once again she’s trying to make the claim that because she’s never SEEN this happen it couldn’t have possibly happened and is demanding proof which I have all over my website and youtube channel which she’d know if she’d ever watched the videos but she hasn’t. She assumed the content of the videos, then assumed I was lying or something without bothering to do the research because her experience (and this is where the narcissism comes in) differs, she can’t even step outside of herself to see maybe she’s wrong. 

 And I hate to say this, but the only negative I’ve ever experienced in this fandom has been this one... I’ve never encountered someone who is simply so hateful about tearing people down who are just trying to enjoy something (fandoms are an extracurricular activity). If you dislike the fandom so much, just leave it alone. ‘

If you dislike what I’m saying so much how about you leave me alone? Furthermore if you were paying attention and I know you weren’t because you expect people to read what you have to say but don’t bother to listen to them, is that my major complaint with the fandom is how they let scam artists get away with scamming and sexual predators get away with finding victims that’s like 90% of the complaint which you’d know if you were actually paying attention to anything you saw me upload or write. 

On the other hand, you have Mads Mikkelsen who attended RDC several times (you know, despite the fandom being “dead”) who continually says he would love to continue Hannibal (in fact, he and I spoke about this in person - don’t worry, I didn’t stalk him. It was at a PAID meet and greet at the con). Even during interviews for other movies and works he’s doing, if Hannibal is ever brought up he talks about how he loves the Fannibals and the show, and he would make time for it in a heartbeat if the opportunity comes up. This is a drastically different picture than, say, the Sherlock fandom (and I’m not trying to pick on them, it’s just what came to mind based on actual public evidence). So yeah.

Oh because celebs don’t publicly talk about it that means they aren’t bothered by it? Really? That’s your claim here because Mads Mikkelsen has never mentioned it he must have never been affected by it? Are you freaking serious right now? Costas Mandylor who still attends conventions to meet Saw fans has had problems with many stalkers and has never spoken up about it publicly. The only reason people know is because they know who these stalkers were in the fandom, by name, because they made themselves obvious. Think you have no idea what you are talking about if you think that the only proof of people being bothered by stalkers is if they mention it publicly. God DAMN you have a narrow minded view of the world don’t you? 

I guess I just don’t understand your perspective based on the evidence supplied. I also don’t understand your very hypocritical nature, nor why you seem to be such an angry, hateful person. I feel sorry for you, living with all that negative energy. 😞

No actually you don’t understand my perspective based on the 2 seconds of “research” you actually did. The evidence is there, the proof is there, I have put it up and hilariously enough you’ve been to my youtube channel you’ve watched nothing, you’ve decided your opinion based on I don’t know, vague skimming you complain that I don’t listen to you or read what you have to say when I have done that, and then you pull the bullshit “pretending to care” when you don’t really care. It’s condescending and sickening. You are literally every problem I have with this fandom. The projection, the immaturity, the unwilling to listen to anyone who doesn’t parrot back what you hear from your echo chamber. You are 100% the type of Fannibal I have been describing this entire time and you fail to realize it because you are just as insane as the people you are attempting to defend. 

So, sweetie, did I give you enough attention? Though I doubt you’ll read literally any of this since you put SO MUCH EFFORT Into trying to understand me before. (That was sarcasm it’s clear you are too dumb to understand that) and for the record I’ve politely approached several people like I have you on here to get a better understanding but you are legit THE ONLY PERSON who reacted this way. Maybe you need to consider that, sweetie. Hope this is enough for you because I don’t intend to give you more. 

[gladiatortale]

I posted 1,397 times in 2021

12 posts created (1%)

1385 posts reblogged (99%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 115.4 posts.

I added 2,315 tags in 2021

#yuri!!! on ice - 528 posts

#victor nikiforov - 384 posts

#yuuri katsuki - 371 posts

#fruits basket - 166 posts

#lol - 161 posts

#yuri plisetsky - 158 posts

#furuba - 155 posts

#bungou stray dogs - 154 posts

#bsd - 120 posts

#kyo sohma - 118 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#canon: *a blossoming friendship between two people who are very sparing in the number of people they care about (that has the potential for

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

BACK AT IT AGAIN!!!🍎🐱🍊🐭🍋🐶🍇🐯🍏🐮

15 notes • Posted 2021-06-21 23:40:41 GMT

#4

YOU ALREADY KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS!!!!

17 notes • Posted 2021-06-15 03:59:40 GMT

#3

My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS! 

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019  The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

See the full post

30 notes • Posted 2021-01-01 03:46:52 GMT

#2

Dazai smiles slowly, eyes slowly starting to glint red under the moonlight. "You see—there's a new woman in my life," Dazai muses, taking another drag. "For almost a year now." He taps off some of the excess ash, crushing it under foot.

"And she has a bone to pick with you."

Dazai's laugh has no mirth—it doesn't even sound human.

And then Dazai calls out the name, softly, under his breath—and Tachihara feels the bottom fall out of his stomach.

"Turn around, Michizou."

Tachihara stares at the ground, the pools of golden light that shouldn't be there, not in the middle of the night. "No," he croaks, all of the blood draining from his face, "that—that doesn't make any sense."

"You aren't even going to look her in the face and tell her you're sorry?" Dazai tilts his head.

Tachihara turns around, hands shaking, and when he sees the figure behind Dazai, he falls to his knees—a mockery of the prayers he was offering before.

But now, he isn't lifting his hands to God.

He's staring into the eyes of death.

Death is unforgiving.

‘Shinigami’ Chapter 7, by CataclysmicEvent.

HOOOOOOO MAN. This FUCKING fic!  This F U C K I N G art! HOLY HELL!! I’m S P E E C H L E S S.

Sometimes the universe lines up *just* right and you are lucky enough to have the money for a commission, have the perfect idea for one, and have your fave artist open her commissions all the same time. 

*chef’s kiss to the universe rn*

THANK YOU to the stunning @idancewiththefairies for pointing me in the direction of this GORGEOUS fic!

To the BRILLIANT @cataclysmicevent2019 for bringing this PHENOMENAL fic to life. It’s not even finished yet and I am already REELING!

And thank you to the endlessly talented IronyStrikes for taking on the commission! It has exceeded all my expectations, I’m OBSESSED! I can’t stop staring at it!

Do yourselves a favor, go read ‘Shinigami’ RIGHT NOW, and everything else that CataclysmicEvent has written!

Her stories will smash your heart into a million pieces and then put them back together again – ‘Always Yours’ put me in a FUCKING COMA, and the ‘Everything or Nothing’ Verse is gonna be the DEATH OF ME!

44 notes • Posted 2021-03-14 21:30:18 GMT

#1

49 notes • Posted 2021-07-12 05:22:58 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[that-downeast-girl]

EVERY SINGLE QUESTION!!! haha

Hate you. 

1: Name) Celina2: Age) 20 in July3: 3 Fears) Heights, moths, trying new things. 4: 3 things I love) My nephews, fishing, the ocean.5: 4 turns on) Neck kissing, teasing, occasionally back rubs, ummm depends on the situation most of the time. 6: 4 turns off) Bad hygiene, making it all about them every single time, umm there’s more but I can’t think of it right now. 7: My best friend) Ashley 8: Sexual orientation) Straight 9: My best first date) Ummm... I’ve never been on an actual first date. Lol10: How tall am I) 5′211: What do I miss) Already answered this. 12: What time were I born) I don’t know 13: Favourite color) Blue14: Do I have a crush) Yes15: Favourite quote) Work smarter not harder 16: Favourite place) Being on the ocean17: Favourite food) Tacos, ice cream, pasta18: Do I use sarcasm) Occasionally. 19: What am I listening to right now) Bruce Almighty. 20: First thing I notice in new person) Body language and their smile21: Shoe size) 822: Eye color) Green23: Hair color) Dirty Blonde24: Favourite style of clothing) Ummm Jeans and a t-shirt I guess25: Ever done a prank call?) Yes. 27: Meaning behind my URL) I’m a girl who is from an area known as down east 28: Favourite movie) Mulan29: Favourite song) He Stopped Loving Her Today; George Jones 30: Favourite band) I don’t really have a favorite 31: How I feel right now) Sleepy32: Someone I love) My nephews 33: My current relationship status) Lol 34: My relationship with my parents) Good35: Favourite holiday) Thanksgiving 36: Tattoos and piercing i have) Elephant tattoo, belly button, ear lobes, and helix piercing 37: Tattoos and piercing i want) I want too many tattoos and I’m all set on piercings. 38: The reason I joined Tumblr) I don’t even remember. 39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?) I’m not a huge fan of him but we don’t hate each other. 40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?) Yes. 41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted?) No42: When did I last hold hands?) I don’t remember. 43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?) Like 10-15 minutes. 44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?) Yes, yesterday 45: Where am I right now?) Sitting on my living room couch. 46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?) Probably Ashley 47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?) Loud48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?) My Dad49: Am I excited for anything?) Graduation and starting my career. 50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to?) Yes. 51: How often do I wear a fake smile?) depends on the day. 52: When was the last time I hugged someone?) Yesterday 53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?) I wouldn’t care. 54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?) Probably. 55: What is something I disliked about today?) Not much to dislike. 56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?) Ummm I’m not sure. 57: What do I think about most?) My future. 58: What’s my strangest talent?) I’m not sure if I have one

59: Do I have any strange phobias?) Moths. 

60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?) Behind 61: What was the last lie I told?) “Sorry didn’t get your message” 62: Do I perfer talking on the phone or video chatting online?) Depends on the person.63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?) Yes and no64: Do I believe in magic?)No65: Do I believe in luck?) If i didn’t have bad luck I wouldn’t have any luck so yes I do. 66: What’s the weather like right now?) Sunny but breezy. 67: What was the last book I’ve read?) The Things They Carried.68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?) No69: Do I have any nicknames?) Cell and Beena70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?) Probably when I caught myself on fire from sparklers. 71: Do I spend money or save it?) Save it.  72: Can I touch my nose with a tounge?) No. 73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me?) Yes. 74: Favourite animal?) GOATS!!75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?) Sleeping.76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?) ... I’m not sure... 77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?) What If; Taylor Ray Holbrook 78: How can you win my heart?) I’m not entirely sure how to answer that. 79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone?) It was worth it80: What is my favorite word?) I seem to use the word “Shit” a lot hahaha81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr) @rght2-bare-arms @therefinedwoodsman @chavez1322 ummm I’m not really sure who I reblog from that much. 82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?) Take more naps and drink water before going to the doctors. 83: Do I have any relatives in jail?) I don’t think so. 84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power?) Mind Reading. 85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on?) I’m not really sure. 86: What is my current desktop picture?) It’s the default that came with my computer. 87: Had sex?) Yes. 88: Bought condoms?) Yes. 89: Gotten pregnant?) No90: Failed a class?) Yes91: Kissed a boy?) Yes92: Kissed a girl?) No93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?) Yes94: Had job?) Yes95: Left the house without my wallet?) Yes96: Bullied someone on the internet?) No.97: Had sex in public?) Sort of98: Played on a sports team?) Yes99: Smoked weed?) No100: Did drugs?) No101: Smoked cigarettes?) No102: Drank alcohol?) Yes103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?) No104: Been overweight?) Yes105: Been underweight?) No106: Been to a wedding?) Yes107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?) Lol yes. 108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?) Yes109: Been outside my home country?) No110: Gotten my heart broken?) Yes111: Been to a professional sports game?) Yes112: Broken a bone?) No113: Cut myself?) No114: Been to prom?) Yes115: Been in airplane?) Yes116: Fly by helicopter?) No117: What concerts have I been to?) ZZ Top, Florida Georgia Line 2X, Brantley Gilbert 2X, Luke Bryan, Nickelback. 118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?) No119: Learned another language?) Kind of120: Wore make up?) Not really. 121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?) Yes122: Had oral sex?) Yes123: Dyed my hair?) Lol yes. 124: Voted in a presidential election?) Yes125: Rode in an ambulance?) No126: Had a surgery?) Yes127: Met someone famous?) No128: Stalked someone on a social network?)) No129: Peed outside?) Yes130: Been fishing?) Yes131: Helped with charity?) Yes132: Been rejected by a crush?) Probably133: Broken a mirror?) Yes134: What do I want for birthday?) I’m not sure. 135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?) Honestly none but if I was going to have one I would prefer a boy and I would name him Parker Wayne 136: Was I named after anyone?) My dad’s mom. 137: Do I like my handwriting?) Ehh it’s kind of messy 138: What was my favourite toy as a child?) Anything outside139: Favourite Tv Show?) Grey’s Anatomy 140: Where do I want to live when older?) Where ever I’m happy 141: Play any musical instrument?) Used to be able to play guitar and steel drums 142: One of my scars, how did I get it?) Bottom of a pool at a water park. 143: Favourite pizza toping?) Peperoni 144: Am I afraid of the dark?) Sometimes. 145: Am I afraid of heights?) Yes146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?) No147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?) Lol yep. 148: What I’m really bad at) Ignoring people. 149: What my greatest achievments are) Soon to be graduating from college without any student loans with a degree that I love. 150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me) “you’re the only one. I love you, I wouldn’t lie to you” 151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery) Put it all in a bank account and not tell a single person. 152: What do I like about myself) My hair and my eyes. 153: My closest Tumblr friend) this is tough because it says friend as in one. I’m gonna have to go with @rght2-bare-arms154: Something I fantasise about) Living a happy life with no worries. 155: Any question you’d like?) You were supposed to ask something here... 

[8ball-the-angry-marine]

Had to make this a post in itself

I looked back on a reblog of all the bitching about how the New England Patriots winning the Super Bowl is an example of white supremacy and President Trump’s congratulating them of their win is indicative of that.

Yeah no, I saw that game.  I wanted Atlanta to win, but only because I think Tom Brady has enough Super Bowl rings.  The Falcons needed their turn (well really my team, the Redskins need it more, but that’s not gonna happen anytime soon).  The game was a good one with going into the shitty halftime show I thought Atlanta was going to steamroll the Pats, but New England made an awesome 2nd Half comback and won it all in overtime.  Great game and a prime example of two professional teams getting to do what I only (and many others) dreamed of doing while in High School.

But then we got the massive amounts of whiners that think the Pats winning is because of racism in America.  

These are some of my favorites.  They’re so butthole-clenchingly cringy.

First off at this point I am not even surprised they can even relate this to racism or Trump, but really is this the example they need to prove America is racist?

Well I did some looking into and here is my conclusion:

According to varying sources from the last couple of years (2012 to 2016), around 60 to 70% of the NFL’s players are African American.  That’s a fucking lot.  An article dating back to 2008 (although dated) gives a good idea of why with percentage breakdown of the positions for the: team https://www.quora.com/Why-are-most-of-the-players-on-the-New-England-Patriots-offensive-and-offensive-lines-white

An article by Sports Cheat Sheet (which got their information from Forbes) counted down the top 15 highest paid positions in the NFL and I did a little tally on just which race is paid the most to see if the posters up there have an validation on favoritism in the NFL.  You can see whose who here:

http://www.cheatsheet.com/sports/highest-paid-nfl-players.html/?a=viewall

but the summary is that out of the 15, 7 are black, 7 white and 1 is what I put under “other” (being any other race besides the first two), but really it’s Olivier Vernon who is a Miami born that looks like a mix between Cuban and African-America so it could be 8-7 (Black being more), but I’m not 100% sure.  Point is that it’s pretty evenly spread.

Going back to positions, overall the only spots that have the most unbalance in race is place kickers and punters (according to the 2015 NFL roster 100% of the place kickers are white and 99% of the punters (1% being African-American).  

Referencing an answer from References.com: “ The black players are most commonly found in the positions of wide receiver, running back, fullback, defensive end and linebacker. While there are a high number of black players in the sport, there are relatively few black coaches. Approximately six percent of the coaches in the NFL are black. These numbers can change at any time with players being traded, released, placed on injured reserve or retiring. Another notable figure regarding the race of NFL players is the number of unsportsmanlike conduct calls. Black players receive 92 percent of these calls compared to white players. “

Now why would that be?  Short answer: personal preference.  For the 10+ years I played football, everyone wanted to play a glory position (no homo): Quarterback, Running Back, Wide Receiver or any Defensive Position; basically any place that you could get noticed, your name called out and potentially scoring a touchdown or getting a highlight on the post-game reel.

I’ll go back to the memories of playing High School football since I had a school fairly diverse.  I can remember that most of the Offensive Line was white, mixed for Defensive Line, the Quarterback usually was white and the other positions that got to run the football, catch it or rushed for tackles where primarily African-American.  I can remember that most didn’t want to play offensive line as they felt they were the next super star that was going to be the team/school hero and felt they were fast enough and tough enough to do that.  They didn’t wanna play the position that required barely any recognition other than when the Defense gets through and little to no change of scoring a touchdown.  Why?  I honestly can’t say.  Some wanted to be the next Dion Sanders or Ray Lewis: playing in the Professionals after winning the Heisman in college as the lead scorer for their conference.  Most of the African-Americans that thought this were pretty lean going into their Freshman year and would work to get a starting position so they didn’t have to be like the Linenmen which they thought were fat, slow walls of tub (Most of weren’t or at least I wasn’t and you couldn’t as a lineman.  Sure we can’t sprint like a Running Back, but we have to be quick off the snap to block the defense and have a ton of strength in upper and lower body muscle groups to not just keep the Defense back ,but drive them back and open up running routes).  Now it’s not to say all thought like that (I can remember for the longest time a High School senior would regularly thank me as a Sophomore for helping him break our school’s and region’s rushing record telling me that “when the left side failed there was always an opening to break away on the right”)., but most.

Now what about punters/place kickers?  Generally in my school and the surrounding area football coaches would get their kickers from the soccer team as they already had to necessary physical training needed to learn the proper technique to punt and kick.  Generally they (being the soccer players) would jump at the opportunity as the spring players would use the fall Football season as extra training for the upcoming soccer season (they could practice/condition with the football team getting use of the gym for longer hours, spend all practice long kicking field goals and place kicking and then get the added benefit of playtime football games to show their long range kicking for when they go to college-level teams on both sports) and generally the soccer team was white.  “Why?” you might ask again.  Well again it comes down to personal preference.  It’s not a race thing because all around the world soccer is played (though I am not a fan of it) and widely played in, oh, say Africa.  Why not here?  Well at my soccer they (being the African-American) athletes would prefer football, basketball and at times track & field:

Fooball during the fall, basketball during the winter and track & field in the spring to train for football/basketball’s next season.

So “okay that’s a lot of fucking info, but what does this have to do with the claims of white supremacy in the NFL/USA?” you might ask if you’re an idiot or don’t feel like reading.  Well quite simply it has to do with everything.  The point is that the NFL and NCAA is primarily compromised of African-American players.  Going back to the article from 2008 about NFL’s position composition most white wide receivers and running backs are overlooked making them cheaper to be picked up by teams like the Patriots or the Denver Broncos that have a larger white player composition.  This is mainly due to stereotypes, you know the one from like old sitcoms and bad sport movies that a team of rejects get one African-American teammate for football or basketball and all of a sudden it’s like the coming of the Moses to lead them to the promise land of victory.  It’s generally thought (mostly subconsciously) that the black player will be better than the white player because whatever reason they’re spewing now.  I don’t doubt that most of the current makeup of the NFL have earned their careers through their hard-work, but it’s a bit sad that scouters and coaches kinda think like this and overlook other deserving players that could be as good if not greater than their preconceived notions.

But really when you break this all down: the Pats won not because of racism or white supremacy in America.  They won because out of the two teams that both have players that are professional-level athletes one of the two came back and outplayed the other.  Simple as that and looking at these stats of position/roster makeup, salaries, recruiting and the top paid players I’d say it’s almost equal if not a bit on the reverse side of racism and position make up also takes into account exactly who wants to play what role and if they have worked for it or not.  Simple as that.

[therealtsk]

Ask Game

got tagged by @thistleknight! Sorry it took me so long to get around to this! 1: Why did you choose your Url?

someone STOLE my trademarked username TheSleepingKnight, so I had to put TheRealTSK up to make sure everyone knows i'm not a PHONY

2: Any side blogs?

Nope! I've tried a few times but one blog is already too much to keep track of sometimes. I co-moderate C&C (which is dead lol) and The Parahuman Fanzine, but those don't count I think

3: How long have you been on Tumblr?

I've had a tumblr account since...jeez, 2014? Highschool, at least. I deleted my old account though

4: Do you have a queue tag?

Nope. Tagging is too much energy for me most of the time (isn't depression great haha). I stand in awe of people who actually tag every single post and reblog

5: Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Wanted a fresh start that was connected to my other online profiles, hopefully cross-promote some stuff so I could maybe get my patreon up and running. that did not work, but it's been fun regardless

6: Why did you choose your icon?

I just really loved the colors and artwork for that one issue. Same the rest of Bendis' YJ run sucked. I might change it soon, honestly.

7: Why did you choose your header?

I have no idea what my header is

8: What’s your post with the most notes? oh god, this one. I am still getting notifications from it, I've had to disable alerts (if someone can tell me how to specifically turn off notifications for one post I would be eternally grateful). The morning of posting I couldn't open my phone because so many alerts were pouring in.

9: How many mutuals do you have?

uhhhh I think around 10 people?

10: How many followers do you have?

113, but I think a not-insignificant amount of that is bots

11: How many people are you following?

108! And I appreciate them all

12: Have you ever made a shitpost?

once or twice

13: How often do you use Tumblr each day?

i check in every few hours or so to see what's up (and now to clear my 99+ notifications)

14: Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once?

not on tumblr, no. I'm fairly quiet on here.

15: How do you feel about “You need to reblog this” posts?

Depends on what it's about. I don't think they're bad most of the time but I'm not a fan of people trying to guilt others into doing work for them

16: Do you like tag games?

Yes! It's fun to stay connected with my mutuals.

17: Do you like ask games?

Yes! Please feel free to ask me stuff.

18: Which of your Tumblr mutuals do you think is famous?

depends on what you mean by famous? tumblr famous? general internet famous? famous in my own circles of the internet? It's all subjective.

19: Do you have a crush on a mutual?

Nope! I don't really do crushes.

20: Tags I'ma tag @subjectsix, @cpericardium, @ieatedanimation, @nihilistic-janitor, @brocktonbay, and @mtwfoxtail

[cleanittfup-blog]

@support At this point, Tumblr is labeled mature on the app store. It's well known for its sexual content and anyone who's ever been on Tumblr knows inbetween the cat gifs and memes is the weirdest, fetish-y, niche porn two clicks away. I've seen 14-17 year old girls selling pornography of themselves.

Yes, NSFW tags exist, but I don't care about them.

1) They aren't used. People can just make it show up anywhere. It's their own responsibility to tag it so it's filtered, and they often don't care or aren't even aware they can do that.

2) Anyone can easily turn it off.

3) I have posts that who I follow reblog, that's easily found in my feed, or that's easily found through search, with NSFW tagged accounts' posts. If a cute cat gif is reblogged by a non NSFW blog BY a NSFW blog and I want to check out more cat gifs, I'd see who they reblogged it from. I'd find they reblogged it from a NSFW blog and I can't even see the original gif (if it's filtered) or if it isn't filtered, I have a random cat gif inbetween porn gifs. It is frusterating seeing a row of those blurry profile icons on posts I otherwise like. Sure, I could get more original content, but the source is 99%NSFW. NONE of their content should appear.

Some basic facts:

1) Early exposure to porn has bad effects on minor's mental health, including escalating addiction. Believe it or not, not every 12 year old should know the ins and outs of bondage, nor be getting their sex ed from unmonitored adults. "MAP" community ring a bell? Free access to groom minors and expose them to porn.

2) Exposing minors to porn is illegal. Therefore allowing porn on a website that allows anyone 13 or older to have access is sketchy to say the least. I'm sure social media sites for 18+ only exist, so why can't we type any age 13-17 and be promised a SFW environment? Should the minors leave? Is porn so important that minors have to be involved or stifled from sharing their stories, art, and making new friends with similiar interests?

Sure, maybe Tumblr started with the freedom for adults to post naked selfies. But now every popular post and every popular blog is clogged up with porn BOTS that are taking way too long to remove. Happen to have a happy, inspirational story be wellknown? Well now half your comments are from robots who just want to spam porn to you.

The bots will continue to be a problem.

The map community will continue to be a problem.

Minors in fetish communities will continue to be a problem.

Minors selling cp will continue to be a problem.

We just need the porn gone from Tumblr. It's that simple to understand. I wish the staff at Tumblr would understand that. Porn sites exist for a reason, and believe me, Tumblr is not needed for them to make money on their own.

Is there other problems? Yup, to name a few

• Lack of complete sexual education, especially in conservative states in the US

• Lack of mental health care

• Lack of child abuse resources

• Peer dating and sexual violence

• Minors accessing porn on 18+ sites (There must be a better way than "yup I'm TOTALLY 18...hehe")

Am I some anti freedom of speech Nazi?

I don't think my addiction makes me a Nazi. I don't think me wanting other children to avoid being addicted to porn makes me a Nazi. I don't want me or any other minor to be exploited by adults as well as our peers because of porn culture.

I didn't want my boyfriend and my introduction to sex, 12 years old, to be him, another 12 year old, teaching me how cool sadism was and that I needed to submit to be a good girlfriend, after already suffering from incest and peer sexual harassment.

So just take the NSFW tag off. Don't let any NSFW content be made. Be decent human beings, Tumblr staff.