#I am 100% a morning person btw

[wickedwayofthings]

The spreading warmth of a freshly risen sun touching skin

[thewalrusespublicist]

Stress Testing Song Lyric Theories: Real Love/Real Life/Stepping Out Demo Meta

What's this? Another long-ass essay analysis on a piece of John Lennon's media that keeps getting taken down by the Ono Lennon estate? More likely than you think (especially when you're this autistic).

As a history obsessive and a grizzled, mood ruining, eternal hater/skeptic, I have misgivings when people in the Beatles fandom look at song lyrics only through one specific lens/focus as it can lead to a myopic and potentially inaccurate take of the subject matter. This I've noticed is particularly bad with older Beatles fans looking at John's work through just the Yoko lens and other fans looking at it just through the Paul lens. (This ain't a lecture btw, I am as guilty as anyone when it comes to doing both.)

When dealing with contentious things like interpreting feelings and songs (nothing could POSSIBLY go wrong with that combo lol), it's important to get at least the facts we do have straight, which is why I wanted to go through some of the fandom's darlings and take them apart to see if the theories about them actually hold up to scrutiny.

To start out, I'd thought I go big with having a proper look at John Lennon's 1977 real life/real love/stepping out demo. I wanted to tackle this one as this is one of only three unconfirmed songs in John's catalogue that I was 100 % convinced was about Paul. As I've mentioned before, this was to me the smoking gun to end all smoking guns, my golden calf, Real Love demo my beloved etc. Got to say, I'm glad I did, as the outcome was a lot more complicated than expected! So let's get to the demo:

Analyzing songs for a fixed specific meaning or one coherent subject is always ... challenging. Songs are a medium to express both real or imagined concepts, feelings and events. You can't know everything about the artist's thought process and therefore their work, especially in regards to what is fictional/metaphorical and what is real (pun intended). What's special about this demo though (and what makes it easier to work with) is the fact that its less of a fully crafted song and more one long stream of consciousness ramble. The line between subject and artist is dissolved as we sit at the piano with John as he tells us about his miserable morning:

Woke up this morning. Blues around my head. Ain't no need to ask the reason why. Went to the kitchen. Lit a cigarette. Blew the smoke rings in the sky. Just got to let it go. Just got to let it go.

The song (or ramble) carries on like that for a while as we get to John reading the newspaper (keep this bit in mind, it might come in handy later):

Picked up the paper. Read the Daily News. Nothing doing anyway. Same old BS. Doot doot doot doot cruise. Nah nah nah nah now. Let go. Let it go. (laughs) No, what am I doing? Why don't you let it go? Why don't you let it go? Mm, it's real life. It's real. Yes, it's real life. It's real. Let go. Let the mighty river flow. Let go. Let go. Oh, rock your balls, you...

As we can see in the stanza above, John is bored and clearly agitated/embarrassed about something.

Then more stanzas about boredom and a lack of fulfilment wherever he goes and then we get to the stanza that everyone here is probably familiar with:

Was I just dreaming or was it only yesterday? I used to hold you in my arms. And now a baby, and another on the way (laughs) la la la la la farm (laughs) Why must we be alone? Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. (scats)

If it don't feel right, don't do it. If it don't look right, look right through it If it don't feel right, don't do it. Just call him/them on the phone.

People go insane over this stanza and for good reason. It's a confession of lost intimacy with someone who:

Is clearly important to John

He is now more distant with

Is connected to babies or having a baby

Is connected to a farm

The mystery of course is, who is this person? Realistically, there is only really three people we know of who even somewhat fit these specific categories. Let's go through them:

First potential subject: Yoko!

This one has some legs. More than I was expecting. At this point John and her:

Do have an infant

Are purchasing a farm together (I think the sale went through 1978 so they should be talking about that in 1977.)

Distant from one another (their marriage was rocky throughout the mid-late 70s)

With Yoko as the subject, the stanza could be a reflection of their lost intimacy:

Was I just dreaming or was it only yesterday? I used to hold you in my arms. - self explanatory, the yesterday here has no significance but to signify nostalgia. The dream in this circumstance could be the dream of their relationship, The Ballad of John and Yoko.

And now a baby, and another on the way (laughs) la la la la la farm (laughs) - A long time has passed, they have a kid now. Now this takes some manipulation but is the farm 'the baby on the way'? The new shared project that will take further attention away from their marriage? The laugh might indicate a sense of irony there, a bitter joke. Yoko and John have struggled to conceive, Sean is very likely their only shared child. Is the laugh brought about by a sad reflection of the farm replacing the gap of children?

Why must we be alone? Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. (scats) - we are in this marriage but we are alone OR why are we alone? Their marriage was a cocoon, all-consuming but stifling. Maybe both of them needed air from time-to-time.

So this stanza alone works quite well to be about Yoko, if you go quite metaphorical. It works somewhat with the beginning as well, he's down and depressed, over the state of their marriage? He needs to let something go, an argument? Is he waking up to the fact that reality isn't this marriage fantasy?

What it doesen't straightforwardly answer is why he is SO mad/embarrassed/avoidant of these feelings? In the records we have of their conversations, John is usually VERY vocal about not seeing Yoko enough. So why is he holding feelings of distance back and wanting to forget about it?

It also doesn't answer why the person he is calling in the following stanza on the phone is a him/them. (It's hard to hear at a normal volume. but if you are an insane person and blast your headphones to an ear bleeding level, it sounds a lot more like him than them. For the sake of caution and covering all bases however, let's consider both for now.) Why would he have reticence calling his wife or refer to her as them? In all accounts of that time period he has no issue calling her or hell, just going and talking to HIS WIFE who lives in their shared flat. It's a weird, dangling thread. The only explanation that would fit the stanza being inspired by Yoko is John realising he needs connection outside of his fading marriage. (I want to raise and partially dismiss here that it could just be a separate train of thought, a reminder to himself that he has to call someone for a chore/service. Yoko handled most of the admin stuff so its not like he's doing any of that and he isn't doing anything professionally so its unlikely to be a random call).

Second potential subject: May Pang!

Now I almost dismissed May outright but girl you know what, good for you, this might actually be about you! Our dear May is:

Important to John (she's also in the diaries and he dreams about sleeping with her a lot, he is REALLY into May)

Distant now he and Yoko are back together

But not baby nor farm adjacent

Taking May in mind, there is a certain logic there. John allegedly does dream about May and sleeping with May so whilst the Yesterday has no significance, the dreaming would. She was his romantic partner and still into her so holding in arms makes sense. The next lines also make sense if you follow the same logic as Yoko's but more distanced. Time has passed and his circumstances with the baby and the farm is now massively different to before, maybe he wants an escape from responsibility represented by May?

With May in mind, the stanzas work a lot better than it does Yoko. It's real life, he can't be with her and he's got to let it go. But he can't so he wants to call 'them'. Or maybe he's had a fight with Yoko and is being reminded of May in his agitation.

So May works from an emotional standpoint and as long as that last line is really 'them'. (It begs the question of why not 'her' but anyway.) As it stands, May seems like a stronger candidate than Yoko in terms of the songs emotional logic.

So currently, May is in the lead but wait ... there's another contender...

Third potential subject: Paul!

Now this one is I think the fan favourite opinion on this site for this song and there's merit to it. Paul is:

Important to John

Relationship now distant (but not apparently distant enough for John to ALLEGEDLY stop dedicating pagggess to him in his diary/meet for dinner when they are in town/visit for Christmas).

Doesen't have a baby but he is expecting one with Linda.

John's got problems and those problems are usually projected onto a Paul shaped target. But beneath all that, was there any softness left, any tenderness?

Well yes, its fucking John Lennon, the man was a giant marshmallow with knives sticking out.

But in this song? Let's look at the stanza with Paul in mind:

Was I just dreaming or was it only yesterday? I used to hold you in my arms. - in the first line we have the 'oh shit Paul feelings incoming' klaxon of yesterday. Of course, John is allowed to reference yesterday without it necessarily being about Paul, but it's something to make a note of. Another is the dreaming. John often associates the Beatles/Paul with a dream, a fantasy, an illusion. Was his time with Paul/their closeness a dream? He is also ALLEGEDLY dreaming of Paul a lot during this period. The distance implied by yesterday also suggests a time period more applicable to Paul than Yoko/May.

The holding in arms with Paul in mind is ... well. There's no two ways about it it's unusual to think about a best friend like that. Taking out romantic implications for the sake of argument, firstly it doesn't have to be literal (just the idea of closeness) and second of all it would be like the fiftieth weirdest thing John said about Paul John has expressed similar sentiments of enjoying physical touch and closeness with a close mate.

And now a baby, and another on the way (laughs) la la la la la farm (laughs) - also needs manipulation here but still works. John's got a baby with his wife now Paul has a baby on the way with his wife yet their lives are completely separate. John could also be talking in extremes, Paul has just had a kid now another (he exaggerates the number of kids Paul has often). Paul lives on a farm, which John has been very focused on before (stttreeetch but maybe this is a point of comparison, they are still mirroring each other). The laugh here in this reading is a acknowledgement of vulnerability of the feelings he's singing about.

Why must we be alone? Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah. (scats) - harder to reconcile with Paul but could be John's projection hours, I am feeling alone therefore Paul must ALSO be feeling alone (unagi or some shit).

So the stanza also works well if we take it to be about Paul. I've said this in a prev post but being about Paul also makes the rest of the song more coherent. John is upset about something he is trying to let go of but is struggling with, he references being everywhere yet remains depressed and troubled by something in his past. All of this fits with John's relationship with Paul. With Paul in mind, the call line at the end makes a lot more sense. He wants to call him, or them, his friends who he hasn't spoken to and misses.

The big supporting evidence for this one is of course the newspaper articles for the Daily News found by a user on here who has sadly deactivated.

To be honest, these are a bit of a holy grail find. With the newspaper articles in mind, a coherent, nearly perfect narrative falls neatly into place. John has woken up in a bad mood and upon reading the paper he sinks into a worse mood as he reflects back on his old time with the Beatles. He feels the need to let it go yet is resentful and embarrassed about doing so. The articles also explain a few oddities of the song, namely why John just comes out with the word cruise just after discussing the paper:

Picked up the paper. Read the Daily News. Nothing doing anyway. Same old BS. Doot doot doot doot cruise. Nah nah nah nah now. Let go. Let it go. (laughs) No, what am I doing? Why don't you let it go? Why don't you let it go? Mm, it's real life.

If we consider that the newspaper contained the article about cruises, it makes sense for it to come out as a subconscious/conscious association (have checked btw as the audio isn't clear and it's absolutely cruise, it's much clearer when you decide your hearing is worth less than a parasocial fascination with a dead dude). The newspaper containing info about Paul also illuminates the potential reference to Paul's song 'Suicide' in the Nothing Doing line and why the stanza seems to go off the rails once the newspaper is mentioned. It's all BS apparently (classic John defense mechanism in play) but once it gets brought up, John laughs, starts questioning what he's even doing writing this song and then gets angry with himself, cutting off the first half of the take. The derailment there could be he can't believe he's singing about the news OR that the newspaper contains the emotional point he's trying to get away from. He then does a few pithy lines about the beach and mountain before circling to actually what's bothering him, the lost intimacy with the person who has a baby on the way and renewed desire to call him. The way it all fits and slots together is borderline unreal.

Buuuuttt ... there's a problem. No matter how fitting, how magically perfect, how right-seeming a theory is, it doesen't necessarily mean it's true. For it to work fully, John would have had to have recorded this on one (or two at a stretch) specific day(s) out of the whole year. It could still be about Paul of course if you take out the newspaper article element, however there are other timing issues as well. According to Dogget, this demo should date to a recording collection from late 1977 when John was going through a depressive episode, the article is dated to early 1977. Shortening the window further, the Ono-Lennon's took a trip to Japan from Summer to October and the Mccartney's third child was born in September, meaning that if it is from late 1977, its unlikely to be about Paul.

Now Dogget could very well be mistaken and this demo is from earlier on in the year. From research, the only thing I could find about John and Yoko in February 1977 is them going to visit a friend a few hours away on the 16th, so from the limited evidence I have at my disposal, there isnt a reason why it couldn't have been produced in February (if anyone has any info on early 1977 please let me know and I'll amend accordingly). Additionally, John's moods were mercurial and his mental health never great, it wouldn't surprise me if he had bad days pretty consistently throughout the year.

To wrap this whole ass dissertation up, from the context within the song, context of the major players in his life, the emotional logic of the song and the repeated references in addition to the newspaper clipping, I am 70% confident that this demo is about Paul and that Dogget was incorrect in his attribution of the demo to late 1977. I believe instead that this was recorded in early 1977, specifically on February 9th 1977 as indicated in the newspaper article. However, I am more than willing to concede that I am working on less information than I would like about John's movements at that time in early 1977 and why Dogget placed all of these in the late 1977 grouping (I think just vibes but wasn't sure, the google books page had that bit blocked lol). Therefore I think that a less likely but still plausible second option is that the subject is May or even Yoko in late 1977 during John's extended period of depression.

Power to all of you who made it this far, let me know if you want me to take a hatchet to any more fandom darlings or if you have any thing to add! Also remember this is only my analysis so feel free to disagree (but like in a fun friendly way pls, it isn't that serious)!

[do0dlfex]

Milo x Sweetheart Headcanons <3

these are gonna be some couple headcanons and some specific to their characters, anyways enjoy!! (btw it’s 5 in the morning where i am right now so sorry for any spelling mistakes)

—————————————————————————

• Milo and Sweetheart both have IMPECCABLE fashion taste (as we all know) so both of them love thrifting clothes and turning them into incredibly stylish outfits then having mini fashion shows showing off their outfits to eachother

• Milo is half Italian (from Marie) and is fluent in it so he likes to confuse Sweetheart by speaking in Italian to them (Sweetheart 100% finds it attractive)

• Despite having very similar styles of clothing Milo and Sweethearts ideas on how they should decorate their house were VERY different like they didn’t have any proper arguments over it but they definitely had their differing opinions

• for example Milos more of a simplistic kind of guy whilst sweetheart wants a bunch of colour and plants everywhere

• Sweetheart owns many MANY plants and talks to them whilst they water them all. they also have names that they address each of them by along with their own personalitys

• Milo has multiple half older brothers from a previous relationship that his dad was in before he met Marie, and they all constantly tease Milo for being shorter and having a smaller wolf form. and when they tease him at family gatherings Sweetheart gets like noticeably mad but manages to keep their composure as much as possible but cloaks and scares them just to show them what for (they’re all secretly scared of sweetheart)

• Milo gets Sweetheart to paint his nails black for him because he doesn’t like having bare nails and doesn’t want to admit to Sweetheart that he can do it himself because he likes the excuse to spend time with them <3

• Sweetheart’s love language is physical touch and gifts, Milo thinks this is adorable and constantly tells Sweetheart that they don’t have to always be giving him things (Sweetheart doesn’t listen) , even when they’re out food shopping Sweetheart is constantly offering new things to milo and asking if he wants to try it

• Milo has taken up the responsibility of feeding Aggro because the smell and texture of (wet) cat food makes Sweetheart throw up

• Milo put a small slit through his eyebrow while Marie was out when he was a teen because he thought it looked cool and then he realised shortly after that she would see it when she got home, he then panicked for about 20 minutes and just left it hoping she wouldn’t notice (she definitely did notice and he was grounded)

• Sweetheart was adopted when they were young and both of their parents are British so they have a bit of an accent that only comes out sometimes (ESPECIALLY when they’re mad)

feel free to add if you have any others :3

[oldiesstationlover11607]

🎶I just came to say hello🎶

Hello! It’s me! 💛! The one who gave you the incredibly hard task of writing for Spooky Jim. You hit that out of the park btw! I loved the angst of it all! Also, the Taco Bell story was super cute! I like the fact that Josh at the end was 100% eavesdropping despite pretending not to. You are such an incredibly talented writer it’s actually insane.

Anyways, I’m going to be selfish and ask for a sequel to the Spooky Jim story. I need to see what happens when Josh and the reader talk again for the first time after the incident. I feel like Josh, like Tyler said, would need some time to be alone and would really be pushing the reader away because he’s just so upset with himself, but the reader doesn’t give up. She continues to text him hoping one day that he’ll actually respond and they can talk. When they finally talk, Josh tells her she shouldn’t forgive him and he’s still really ashamed, but the reader refuses to leave and eventually Josh realizes he’s found someone who will stick with him through the hard times. (Perhaps maybe there can also be a part where Jenna gives her advice on how to deal with Spooky Jim, since she deals with blurryface).

Idk if this makes sense or if you feel up to doing it. I know you might feel like the story has nowhere to go. If you don’t want to do it it’s okay. It’s up to you. ☺️

Spooky Jim - Spooky!Josh x Reader part 2

Relationship: Spooky Jim/Josh × Reader

Warnings: Angst

Word Count: 1230 - thought this would be perfect for a short blurb type piece so whipped this up in he back of my class lol

A/N: Shortish but at least I got this done quick!! Love ur requests 💛

PART 1

It had been three weeks since I’d talked to Josh. Both Tyler and Jenna had been amazing about letting me stay at their house. The morning after I’d arrived on Tyler’s doorstep he stopped by the house to grab everything I needed for my stay. It took everything in me to not walk home and confront Josh. Jenna had sat me down and explained to me how she dealt with Blurryface. It seemed–despite Tyler having immense control over his demon–that the two personas had a lot in common, especially on the physical front. 

“It scared me at first,” she’d explained, “but I just told him I would never leave and that I was there for him. Honestly, I’ve had to deal with Blurry so many times, he knows who I am and that he’s not allowed to hurt me. I think you should wait for Josh to come back to you–because I know he will–and just explain to him how you feel. That boy loves you Y/N, if he takes time away it’s because he’s scared of hurting you, not because he doesn’t want to be with you.”

“Preach!” Tyler had called from the foyer. 

I knew Tyler and Josh were having regular calls for work and had briefly talked about the incident but Tyler being the best friend he was refused to tell me what they’d talked about. Exactly three weeks after I left the house I sent Josh a message longer than the regular ‘I love you’s and ‘I’m here if you need me’s. Each of those text messages earned me nothing more than a ‘read’ receipt. Tyler told me there was nothing to worry about but in all the time I knew Josh he had never been dry in texts, calls, or real life. 

‘Josh. I know it’s been a while since we’ve properly talked but I miss you. I miss you more than I have ever missed anything in my entire life. You’re my best friend, my person, and no matter what happens between us I’ll always be there for you. I really hope you’re okay. Tyler won’t tell me anything. I love you. I love you more than I love life.’ - Sent

The message was read almost immediately like all of my others. I threw my phone onto the guest bed and brushed my hair, getting dressed for the day. To my surprise, a short vibration sound rang through the room–my phone. I dashed to the bed to check my notifications. Josh. 

‘You should come over.’ 

My heart pounded as I stared at the message. The single message had the power to undo all of my built-up anxiety and hope at the same time. Jenna had been right—he would come back to me, but now that it was happening, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I quickly texted Tyler and Jenna, letting them know Josh had finally responded, before grabbing my jacket and heading out the door. The walk to Josh's place felt both too short and too long. I rehearsed what I was going to say, but nothing seemed good enough. What could I even say after everything that happened? My hand hovered over the door, heart racing. I could hear my own breath, shallow and uneven. What was I supposed to say? What was he going to say? I tried to rehearse a million things in my head, but none of them felt right.

I knocked. A part of me half-hoped he wouldn’t answer, that maybe this was some mistake, and I’d have more time to prepare. But then the door opened, and there he was—Josh. His eyes were tired, dark red circles framing them. He looked like he hadn’t slept well, like the weight of everything was still pressing down on him.

“Hey,” I whispered, unsure if I should move or if he wanted me to. I felt frozen in place.

“Hey,” he replied quietly, stepping aside to let me in. I hesitated for just a second before stepping into the familiar space, the air heavy with everything unsaid.

The silence between us was thick as he closed the door. I stood there awkwardly, unsure where to sit or if I should hug him or… do anything. He walked into the living room, and I followed, settling on the couch opposite him. The distance between us felt like miles, even though it was just a couple of feet.

Josh stared at the floor, and for a moment, I thought maybe he wasn’t going to speak. The silence was deafening. Finally, he let out a long, shaky breath.

“You shouldn’t have forgiven me,” he said, his voice low. “I don’t deserve it.” I opened my mouth to speak, but he kept going, eyes still glued to the floor. “I messed up, Y/N. I should’ve controlled it, I should’ve been better. And I... I hurt you.” His voice cracked, and he ran a hand through his hair, clearly battling with himself. “I can’t live with knowing that I hurt you like that. I–I could’ve killed you.” I wanted to hold him. Sitting there, watching tears well in his eyes broke my heart into 1,000 pieces. “I don’t... I don’t even know how to fix this.”

I wanted to reach out to him, to close the distance, but I didn’t. Not yet. “Josh,” I started, keeping my voice steady. “You didn’t lose me. I’m still here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He shook his head. “But you should. You deserve someone who doesn’t have this... thing. Someone normal, who doesn’t have to fight himself all the time.”

I scooted forward, closing the gap between us slightly. “I don’t care about normal. I care about you.” My voice was firmer now. “Jenna told me how she deals with Blurryface. And... I’m here for you, Josh. I’m not afraid of Spooky Jim. I’m afraid of losing you.”

His head snapped up at that, finally looking me in the eyes. “You don’t understand,” he said, but his voice was weaker now, as if some of the walls he’d built were crumbling. “I can’t control it all the time. What if next time I can’t—what if I hurt you worse?”

“I’m not leaving,” I said, cutting him off before he could spiral further. “I love you, Josh. I’ve loved you through everything, and I’m not giving up on you now just because things are hard. I’m here. You don’t have to fight this alone.”

His face crumpled, and for a moment, I thought he might cry. Instead, he just sat there, staring at me as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing.

“I don’t deserve you,” he whispered, voice hoarse.

I moved to sit beside him, finally reaching out to take his hand. He tensed for a moment, but then his fingers curled around mine. “Maybe not,” I said softly, “but that doesn’t change anything.”

For a long moment, we just sat there, holding onto each other. Neither of us said anything, but we didn’t need to. I wasn’t leaving, and he knew it. Slowly, the tension in his shoulders eased, like some of the weight he’d been carrying for weeks had started to lift.

Eventually, he spoke again, his voice quiet but clearer now. “I don’t know how to fix this... but I want to try.”

I squeezed his hand. “We’ll figure it out together.”

//

REQUESTS OPEN

[abiiors]

i know it's still slut hour all over my dash but 'tis the time to be sappy on my blog once again because promptober was so much fucking fun!! and now that it's over i need to shoutout and thank everyone who wrote all the amazing fics 🥺🧡

it doesn't matter if you wrote one fic or all thirty-one, i am so fucking grateful for all of you <33

@lastnightwaskindofablur - genuinely in awe of how amazing everything you wrote was!! and i am so excited to read atvb/atpoaim (although i'm very scared of the angst. just so you know, i refuse to acknowledge pt 2 of the promptober angst :)) they had adorable babies and britt woke up on christmas morning, realised it was just a nightmare and went back sleep cuddled up w matty, okay? okay!)

@toomuchracket - your fics have literally never fucking disappointed but the sweetheart george fic was my absolute favourite just because of how soft it was!!! stunning, perfect, gorgeous 🥹 special shoutout to ross + shy gf eloping fic and d word matty first time fic <33

@cinnahmongirl - your ross fic debut!!! and it was so cute and domestic, everything i fucking love in one fic. pls pls pls write more i beg !!!

@the1975attheirverybest - absolutely fucking amazing as always but the scary nights dad matty one was my personal favourite. i love the way you write matty, he feels so real 🥹 100% believe that he would be the type of dad to be swayed by his kid so so easily!

@all-things-fic - i cannot believe that was your first time writing for ross and you're not allowed to stop btw, sorry that's the law. i don't think i have ever consumed like 7k words so hungrily!!

@everythingdenied - i'm so happy it reminded you that you don't hate writing <3 🥹 and also the dad matty fic was fucking adorable because he really is my weakness ugh!

@poisonmedaddy13 - i don't think i have stopped thinking about the road trip fic btw like it has a permanent place in some corner of my brain now. you did such a good job and i'm so proud of you <33

@kate-inhaler-1975 - i loveee the premise of the series and i really hope you continue it 🥹 (and i do hope eve ends up with ross for very non vanity related reasons)

@insidemymind19 - meet cute was absolutely adorableeee and it has added a new brainrot of matty flirting with me over a bar counter to the already very long list of brainrots! i hope you're doing well :)

@procrastinatinglikeapro - apple cider had me giggling, blushing, kicking my feet!!! making the man blush just fucking hits different for me and you delivered <33 adorable and very sexy but soft smut my beloved 😌

@wrestletotheground - kissing you on the head for adding to the cute bf ross agenda btw because that shit made me yearnnnnnn for a movie night like you don't even know, i was very very down bad. (def if he's in grey joggers 👀)

@imightgetbetter - 14 YEAR OLD MATTY!!! THAT MADE ME AWWW SO HARD 😭😭 i'm always a sucker for "our story as a bedtime story" fics and this was the fucking cutesttt

@think0fmehigh mollyyyyy begin again had be sobbing and also horny and i fucking love that song so so much 😭 the fic was fucking perfect and i love your writing and especially your smut writing so so much!! <3

and last but not least, me because i think i did a pretty good job :)

[andhumanslovedstories]

Hello! I love your blog very much. I too am a second degree nurse. I just graduated from an ABSN program and I'm struggling to get my foot in the door anywhere despite good grades + honor society membership + in state license already secured. I live in NYC and the nursing shortage here is CRAZY but for some reason no one wants to talk to me. Would you recommend home health nursing for someone in my situation? I did my preceptorship in the ED and that's 100% where I belong, but the bills are really piling up and I have no prospects. How long did you do home health before you went bedside? Thank you for any advice you have!

(Disclaimer though for all this, I'm across the country from you and have no idea the landscape of nursing jobs in NYC.)

I worked in home health for 18 months. If my goal was to get to the hospital as quick as possible, I didn't need to be there that long. I wasn't in any particular rush to move on. Plenty of people worked less than that and got hired at a hospital, I think something like a year was the average. I know the different between sending out my new grad resume and sending out my home health nurse resume was night and day. As in: literally anyone wanted to interview me.

I'd encourage you to at least apply and see if you can interview. You get to interview the company right back, and that'll let you know the kinds of work they expect from you. There are two main types of home health: the kind where you visit a lot of patients in a day and the kind where you're with one patient for the entire shift. The first kind is doing stuff like dressing changes, medication management, or periodic assessment. The second kind is more like general caregiving with nursing related requirements. I mostly did the second one, and worked night shift. So I fed a patient dinner, I gave them a bath, I got them dressed for bed, then tucked them in and stuck around until morning for their needs in the night. But within that was trach management, seizures, G tubes, medications, central lines, ongoing assessment, all that stuff that got this person nursing hours. I'm not gonna lie--it was often very very boring. I read a lot of books.

(btw west coast disclaimer again, but if you're willing to work nights, you'll get hired more easily. Everyone everywhere in the world doesn't have enough night shift coverage. also, oops! this got long and became an essay on home health!)

For downsides, in home health you can get limited training and orientation before you're alone, responsible for a patient. And then it's all on you. I had some gut-dropping moments early on where I encountered something I didn't know how to handle and didn't know how urgent it was. There's supposed someone you can call at all times, but multiple times when I did call, no one picked up. It can be super stressful and frankly dangerous as an inexperienced nurse. Luckily, many times you have the patient's family as a resource. It's likely they've been doing this years longer than you have. Though it's worst thing in the world when you wake someone up at 3 am because you're unsure and concerned, and then have that person explain in a really supportive tone of voice that these frequent, very brief seizures were probably just hiccups. Hypothetically speaking.

You can get too entwined with the patient and family's lives. It's hard to call out sick because you know no one can cover you. It's easy to cross emotional boundaries. Imagine spending 40 hours a week with someone and their family. They'll occupy a spot in your brain.

And I don't think it's a great place for a new nurse to stay for years and years, just for like professional development reasons. You won't get exposure to a variety of patients (unless you work that other type of home health in which case enjoy seeing eight different patients a day, hope traffic doesn't suck), so it's easy to forget stuff you just learned. I never had to think about transfusion reactions until I started at the hospital and shit now it's relevant all the time. I had to completely relearn how to hang an IV piggyback. Plus, since you work alone, you don't get the chance to see how other nurses work. It's hard to figure out a profession when you practice in complete isolation. It's easy to learn bad habits and have no one ever correct you.

But there's a lot I like about home health. You really do have a perspective on patients and patient care that is unique to home health and long-term care. In the hospital, you don't always get that long-term perspective. If you work with someone for a while, you can track how they progress or decline. Why do some clients stay at home for years and others keep going back to the hospital? What's different about their conditions and cares? You see all the work it can take to keep them steady. That's perspective that easy to lose. It helps you put the patient on a timeline that extends beyond the hospital. If you click with a patient and/or family and work with them for a while, it can be very satisfying working with them because you see so clearly the impact you're having.

Also! I read so many fucking books! I listened to so many podcasts (played so so softly). I knitted and learned sudoku and practiced yoga, looked up vacation spots, put in my grocery orders, and organized my playlists. I also could research and research and research. I had time to look up everything about every condition my patient had, and once I felt more comfortable with those, I moved on to looking up whatever other disease process and patient experience seemed interesting. I'd make myself a little curriculum and, after my patient was tucked in, and be like "tonight's class is vlogs about having a trach."

There were plenty of shifts where I bustled all fuckin night, and sometimes those shifts seemed to be in one endless hellish row, but often I had a lot of time to myself that I could spend however I wanted, as long as I was still in the room with the patient, able to meaningfully hear and see them, and keeping up with the night routine. I fucked around a lot and got paid for it because the job is to be available when needed, and you're not always needed. (I'm not saying slack off! I'm just saying even colicky babies sleep peacefully now and then.)

Anyway jesus christ that got away from me, but like please know that I was in your exact place, and I know how much it sucks and how crazy it makes you feel because I THOUGHT WE WERE SHORT ON NURSES DON'T ANY OF YOU FUCKERS NEED A NURSE, and know that all the other job hunts after this should and will be easier than this.

[faulix]

btw, since people love lying about me on this website:

i have not known lolthia for a year like they claim. i first learned of lolthia about a month ago when i noticed their racist treatment of my friend. it was by chance we learned of their goretober list that had abuse glorification with prompts like medical/drugged torture, kidnapping, and stalking. we were able to see that lolthia had a pattern of writing yandere, murder, and other gross topics with a quick search of their blog. THAT is why i decided to say something and call them out. period

x

i find it kind of hilarious that you're claiming to have blocked me from servers and discord so you don't have proof. i wonder if you would even know my discord, yknow, the one handle i haven't changed in years. i mean, surely if you have me blocked you would be able to pull that up easy right? let's not forget the fact that you're claiming to know me personally when you cannot even get my pronouns right.

x

the funny part about this is that barely anyone who rb'ed your callout weren't even your mutuals, with a good amount of people actually adding in the notes how fed up they were with your bullshit. i am not a big enstars blog. i'm not even talking about enstars right now. i am a small blogger with less than 100 followers who ships with the only two minor characters in enstars. a majority of people who have rb'ed your callout are not big enstars bloggers. we are small time selfshippers just trying to have a fun time on tumblr dot com. the only one who is willfully taking themselves out of the fandom or even the circle of enstars selfshippers is you. you willfully create harmful content, you paint yourself as the victim, and you refuse to apologize for multiple things such as your racism and suicide baiting.

x

i am nice to others because they are not winding up their victim complex to make me look like the bad guy. again, if you have legitimate proof that we were once friends: look at your blocklist (or your server blocklist) and post my handle. i dare you. but then again, you probably couldn't do that considering you don't know what the username is. i think the funniest thing about it is that you can't even be bothered to post the server name, can't even bother to explain how we met (shocker considering i've only been into enstars actively for like barely a year now), it is you saying "well this is clearly my word against his" when you can't even provide the basic proof that you and i ever knew each other. you probably DON'T want me to post the ask where you said that you had finally found me and lamented that we could even be friends now if i would take back my words and be the bigger person. but then again, you kind of admitted that yourself when you said you didn't know who made the callout and even said it could be multiple people because you didn't know, but hey, let's take back that and spin it as a long rooted hate campaign by me. x

btw, when i first made this post, i held off on posting it because i haven't received nonanon asks for this, so i was able to chalk it up to you just trying to send more anons toward me to get me painted as the villain, but since this morning i woke up to you making a callout post about me that was filled with lies and fake screenshots it's about time i speak up. you may have deleted it, but don't worry, i made sure to screenshot everything you said and put it in an imgur album to refresh your memory. right here, don't worry, i took every screenshot word for word so you can remember what you said.

i'm not going to post every single screenshot to this. i think it would be insane behavior to make this post even longer. so let me just some up my feelings:

in your fake screenshots not only did you try to blur out what my name was (probably because these are not actually talking about me, but hey, you thought you could make it work, right?) but you proceed to, once again, continuously use the wrong pronouns for me, which is kind of weird since you're claiming to have known me for a year.

let me reiterate this so you get it through you thick skull: i use he/it pronouns and have been doing so for years now. your callout and screenshots repeatedly uses the wrong pronouns for me. do not even bother claiming you didn't know or that i recently changed them as my past blog and every single friend i'm close with will testify to my pronouns, and i'm absolutely sick of you misgendering and degendering me and my identity. considering you've been sending me several asks you could have easily looked and my pronouns in both my description and pinned, but hey, that's another lie for you, right?

then you post a screenshot of a server main chat, but it's very convenient of you to 1.) not get the server name and 2.) leave out the date you sent it, yknow, the things that you could at least say we shared together. i wonder why you didn't bother to get that information if it was so important. oh wait, i do! it's because you are deliberately lying about me to paint yourself as the victim.

i'm not going to even dissect the lies you weave together because, once again, you are speaking without proof. this is not a case of "my words against his" you are deliberately spreading lies on the grounds that you think no one will fact check you, you tool. again, if i was such a danger to you that i would deliberately make several accounts to surpass your "ban", why would you not post my discord username or the "alt accounts" i made to protect others for safety? why don't you do so now? oh! it's because you don't know them and are lying through your teeth.

i did not send you an ask where i told you that you needed to change your goretober list to get rid of the necrophilia. if i did, how about you post it with my url and call me wrong. not to mention the biggest thing i called you out on was the fact that you were glorifying and romanticizing abuse with drugged torture, kidnapping, and stalking. but sure let's gloss over that part because that would make you look bad!

there is nothing out of context in what you said or did, it is in plain english, several screenshots where you demonized a selfshipper of color because "they were more popular than you", pulled several excuses out of your ass to ship with a 16 year old, and put suicide baits in the main enstars tags, oh but don't worry! in your eyes the enstars fandom deserved it! and you want to paint yourself as innocent? give me a fucking break.

and the absolute gall of you to proclaim you acted like this because of your bpd, which you're still rb'ing sad bpd posts now. the nerve of you to assume i am not neurotypical when i have been struggling with autism and adhd all my life, and my own bpd for the past 14 years since i was diagnosed. it is not an act of ableism to call you out on your disgusting behavior towards people of color and abuse victims. i don't care about your backstory. you know exactly what you are doing and say that you are "exploring dark themes". no one believes you, and no one ever will. and miss me with that "i didn't know the shipper's race" as if you did not see the commissions you were directly complaining about them that shows them as not white very obviously. but hey, what's one more lie for you?

just so you know: every single ask you have sent me i have kept. from where you pretended to be 10 different people, all from your original ask where you think we should "just talk it out" without you taking any accountability, thanking me for the callout, pretending to be anons sticking up for you, and even threatening me with fake evidence that i have been in enstars servers sending death threats. but hey, since i didn't respond to those so you could have ammunition as so you could say i'm stalking you and villainizing you, i guess the next step would be a callout!

i will never be as obsessed with you as you are with me. you are the stupidest person on this planet if you genuinely thought i would not catch wind of what you were doing, from sending me and my friends and mutuals several asks to deliberately lying about me on your own blog. you have sent me over 50 asks in 24 hours, spamming my inbox with anons, but you couldn't even bother changing your typing style. you can't be bothered to tell people to watch out for this discord user because, again, you don't even know who i am. you can spin a web of lies to cover your ass, but barely anyone sees through it, and no amount of anons you send yourself will never convince anyone, especially strangers who has seen your blog. i do not care about how you no longer can look forward to your sick goretober where you glorify the abuse that real people go through. i am a grown adult with a job, school life, friends, pets, and so much more. maybe you could be the same if you shaped up and stopped being on tumblr. touch some grass for once. no one will believe you. i will not delete your callout. you have deliberately done horrible acts and acted like you were being demonized because "the enstars fandom and selfshippers are mean and cliquey", as if people don't see right through what you post without care and how you act. either apologize for what you have willfully done or log off and deactivate. i don't care which. leave me alone, leave my friends and mutuals alone, and grow up.

btw, i figured i would also throw this in the enstars tags so people would know about your horrible act and how you have treated me and demonized me for the past two days for standing up for my friends and the people you've hurt. here's the original callout btw, just in case anyone's new here! i don't care how badly you say this affects you because, again the only person trying to demonize you is you yourself. you lie about every aspect to save your ass and i will not take it. i mean, you tagged my "callout" with enstars tags (despite the fact that i never interact with the enstars fandom and have been talking about brc for the past month) but hey! if you wanna act like a clown i'll treat you like one.

you are an absolute moron if you think 1.) anyone would believe you considering your past behavior and 2.) thought i would just lay over and start crytyping for an apology. you are 20 years old acting like a spoiled toddler who got punished for throwing toys at others. i have more resolve, a backbone, and friends that will always care for me and support me, sorry if you can't relate. fuck you

[busycloudy]

OMGGG HAPPY ONE HUNFRED FOLLOWERS!??!?!?!?!!!!

Sooo, for your event... I'm feeling in a devious mood at the moment,, and i have decided... to do some tomfoolery >:D *evil laughter noises*

I have begun to start a collection of silly ideas, and it is a little series between us!! To start it off, would you be willing to do Savannaclaw with a feline! mc? <3

Also, here's a flower to congratulate your journey! 🌺

Ty for the flower! And yeah,100 followers! Hard to believe am I right!? Hope you enjoy this lil' thing!

I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER BTW PLEASE FORGIVE ME I HAD 0 INSPO(doesn't even seem like it's part if my 100 follower event now lol)

Savannaclaw With a Feline!MC

 • TW: None 

• Fluff + crack fanfic per usual 

• MC is gender neutral  

• Enjoy!

Leona Kingscholar

Your independence is so aggravating to him(affectionately<3). Like, just let him help?!?! One time you got in a fight with some other Savannaclaw students, and he INSISTED on helping, but you refused and fought them by yourself. He had to take you to the infirmary that day, but the students were much more injured. You like cuddles? that's purr-fect(I'm so funny)because he LOVES having you as his pillow! Sometimes you'll just see him in the botanical garden and nap with him. Or if you see him in the hallways you'll just wrap your arms around him. He teases you for being so clingy, but he loves this so much. ALSO he sometimes scratches behind your ear because your purring is so adorable and he needs to hear it at least once.

Ruggie Bucchi

If you wanna be independent, you do you boo, now if it's something that you so obviously need help with but don't wanna admit it, he might help you. I feel like he's also a cuddly person(don't know why🤷‍♀️), so when you hug him after a long day a smile is instantly put on his face. When you try to pepper his face with kisses, he might just cup your face and give you a kiss on the lips instead. When you're walking around in the hallway and hear something fall near you, it's probably him. This man has tripped over your tail so much, and although most of the time it's on accident, sometimes you do it on purpose just to catch him and see him flustered.

Jack Howl

He does not CARE how much times you insist you don't need help, he is going to help you. In a fight? He either helps you or drags you away. You are going to get help with things like that whether you like it or not. He's not very used to your affection and when you randomly just come behind him in the hallways and hug him, but he isn't complaining. He might give you a kiss on the forehead in return. I think at first y'all HATED eachother (Y'know cat and dog kinda thing), but it was kinda became an enemies to lovers thing. Finds it a bit interesting when your ears twitches in your sleep(Do you know what im talking ab?). He'll ask you what you were dreaming about in the morning.

-----------------------------------------------------

WHY DID THIS TAKE SO LONG???Ahem, anyways, thank you @nico707 for sharing how you think a feline!MC would be like

And thank you @minty-bubblegum for the flower! This journey has been a long one, but a fun(ny) one also

[narwhalandchill]

wait aint no fucking way an actual genshin loretuber even jokingly acknowledged the rabbit hole insanity that is childe 3rd descender theories what the fuck.

is it finally legal for me to break my self imposed silence on the subject without publicly and shamefully removing all my credibility on genshin lore. please please . this is a super fucking vulnerable moment for me guysssss

(under read more bc full disclosure 100% i Will embarrass myself here. this is NOT on my top of the line Childe Theories And Analysis That I Will Defend In Court Under My Legal Name if Questioned list please understand. this is way more self indulgent and wildly speculative for me as much as i do Genuinely see there being a ground for the theory to stand on. ik when im off to the deep end JKWDKJJKWDJKWD)

like seriously be Aware this WILL be a complete mess btw you have all been warned so like no refunds accepted. if youd like to keep an image of me in your head where i am even slightly respectable and realistic when it comes to my theories please stay there. in the light. where the sun shines.

......

...

so. you have chosen death. o7

ok firstly. YES i KNOWW childe 3rd descender theory is batshit stuff thats Why i havent said shit abt it all this time bc i do Not trust myself to be truly objective on the subject bc i Want the theory to be real so bad so its like of course ill readily disregard all other possible candidates for 3rd descender bc bias. and also see it as more plausible that ajax has sth to do w that and make connections more readily. than any lore enthused person existing without his continued rent free existence in their brain for the last 3+ years. so like. yes. listen. i Know i know its prolly not real. but also i must # speak my truth .

anyway the vid didnt even fully touch on all the like. shady fucking shit when it comes to the Curious coincidences. bc like. so firstly the star thing and connections w childe

so wei did bring up the whole . ajax is released on patch 1.1 called "a new star approaches" (and also polar star is his sig) . except like Theres More bc while i was researching random childe brain rot stuff (sadly dont remember/have a link to where i first saw it) . that title in CN is even more pointedly About ajax bc apparently its about a "guest star". and a guest star again according to that post at least is specifically considered an omen of bad luck in chinese astrology. a guest star approaching = a disaster approaching. like mayhaps a ginger guy resurrecting osial or something . huh . maybe ajax Is the guestpilled starmaxxer in that title. the approacherrrrrr, even

secondly. there are some well hidden references to ajax As A Star in the fontaine AQ too. bc the act III where we go looking for him after he goes missing is called "to the stars shining in the depths" except again i have found a source (yes no link to it saved once again my bad) that its titled "to the morning star in the deep water" in chinese. which is again star singular. curious

then theres the act III official description. that goes "the moment it seized its destiny, the star quietly fell from its lofty perch". and like idk abt yall but if its fontaine AQ act III and you ask me WHOS out there seizing their destiny of all things. It Seems Somewhat Plausible To Argue that its PROBABLY referring to the guy thats out there getting teleported to the primordial sea to face the creature thats Literally etched into the stars as his constellation. like . i have a very Difficult time trying to see the star that is seizing its destiny at this moment as Anyone but him reuniting w the narwhal for the first time in a decade and his 1st thought is to throw hands JKJKWDJKWDJKWDJK

(also. "fell from its lofty perch". fell from where. falling towards where. mayhaps even................ descending?????? if Seizing your destiny is taking your fate into your own hands.... a star that Falls from its perch.... that Descends after seizing its destiny....... Curious is all i will say. hey guys do you think your vision would mayhaps begin rejecting you if you start seizing ur own destiny and thus failing to follow the "duty" of predestined fate that same vision had bestowed upon you. guys do you think a star that seizes its destiny and falls from its lofty perch would get vision error 404. guys----)

also this is a smaller thing bc i think ascension mat theories are largely fringe and not that reliable (ning guizhong reincarnation "theories" ThoseWhoKnow) but i do think it can be acknowledged as a sort of. Extension to all these curious references to stars and being A Star when it comes to childe. he does use Star Conches for ascension . so like it can be a little extra on top of the other more serious more Professionally Certified star things hoyo is curiously attaching to him

so like . a star. a star also being a thing the traveler is repeatedly called. its so quirky that this pattern continues. so thats one thing

oh and also. if childes the non-descender (bc he clearly hasnt regained that status Yet) reincarnated soul of the 3rd descender.

you know what. a dead star. if its massive enough. like perhaps massive enough in some genshin metaphysical fantasy way. to be a star that counts as a descender with a will that rivals a world. if a heavy enough. star. dies. you know. you know what they turn into---

[THERE IS A MAD GLEAM IN MY EYES. YOU HEAR BOSS MUSIC.]

Anyway Hello Dear Reader Of Mine Humble Blog Would You Like To Spare A Moment To Discuss How The All-Devouring Narwhal That Consumes Any And All Stellar Object Coming Into Its Orbit Also Known As Ajax' Reflection In Teyvat's Skies Is Essentially A Sentient Living Black Hole And How A Black Hole Is Formed When A Star Dies? No? Okay.

like wouldnt it be super fucking funny if the constellation of the dead descenders reincarnated soul is a creature that for all intents and purposes is a black hole. like. a dead star. wouldnt that be funny

and before you ask. yes i have thoughts that would make ajax & narwhal are soulmates slash halves of the same entity that remains fully compatible with the 3rd descender brainrot but i. will Not subject you people to that. theres "respectably self aware insane theory i indulge in but know the limitations of" and then theres "jens top 10 personal jenshin impact plot twist wishlist please fulfill mr dawei pwease i swear itll be peak" like ffs. it might seem otherwise given the words i am saying right now but i do have Some propriety

the divine halberd was shattered into NINE piece---- (GUNSHOT)

whoa. what a loser high on her own hopium i wonder who that was. good thing the snipers got her ass there

back to your regularly scheduled programming. obviously theres other things that would very conveniently be explained by this 3rd descender shit as well like. dead eyes. soul of a dead descender thats in Literal Pieces body wise. the dead star that carries a curse above ground upon first making contact with the truth of his being aka post abyss training camp post meeting his mirror imaged destiny in his narwhal. a curse like mayhaps bringing chaos whenever he goes. an incompatibility with the world. drawing everything into his orbit being the eye of the storm or perhaps... the Singularity???? the event horizon??? a source of endless unrest and disaster........ just like the curse of a gnosis TEE HEE .

anyway super funny how that goes. and then another thing wei didnt really. fully go into is naturally the

(DEEP BREATH)

3rd son of his family with 3 older siblings and 3 younger siblings 3rd limited character ever released with 3 names and the 3rd weekly boss with 3 phases each representing 3 unique sources of power (vision, delusion and foul legacy) a 3 petaled symbol aka the triquetra of riptide and six in-game constellations divided into 3 subgroups with 3 unique prefixes (foul legacy, abyssal mayhem, havoc in eng) 3 days missing from teyvat and 3 months spent in abyss is 3rd to wield foul legacy after surtalogi and skirk

also the first character to receive a 3rd rateup banner ANYWAY (also the possible. is the 3rd reincarnation of the original ajax thing. but yeas)

[Me When I'm In A Be Suspiciously Associated With The Number 3 Competition And My Opponent Is Childe Ajax Tartaglia]

isnt it just silly. how many times it comes up. Nobody talk to meeeee its so over

theres prolly some other things too that i have driven myself to madness with when thinking abt this but idr em right now and like . not like this is any manner of serious respectable theory anyway sooooooooo

anyway ill stop embarrassing myself now. like as i said i have been legally forcing myself into silence on this bc listen. i KNOW this is bullshit i KNOW im a deranged biased childe main who will do Anything just to cook up a fantasy version of genshins endgame lore where My Dude is at the center stage and gets to be a massive fucking deal yes 100% deserve to be disqualified on account of terminal stage blorbo bias when it comes to theories on the subject i just. the fact that this is the FIRST time i see Any loretuber person acknowledge the theory. i just had to come in here and let it be known that. Yes. ive been seeing this shit and thinking abt it SINCE 4.2 dropped since that stupid fucking note about forsaking the self and being reborn in the abyss as a holy infant or a primordial human or a descender and that somehow Thats called Ajax. of all things. its horribleeee it eats me alive

[mdhwrites]

What Do I Mean When I Say I Am Disabled By My Depression and Anxiety?

Yesterday my therapist finally 100% agreed with me on a statement I've made so very many times in the past. That my depression and anxiety don't speak. They don't present the worst possibilities, they don't tell me I'm a failure, they don't present reasons for why I shouldn't do something like how many describe depression. No, instead of weighing a choice towards the negative... They give me no choice because they don't speak. They act.

I am a writer. I adore telling stories. When I go for a walk, 90% of the time I spend the entire time listening to music, going over concepts, refining plot points, stuff like that. I can hear the voices of the characters, see the words I want to use to describe what happens, the narrative I wish to tell. This excites me because it's my passion and it's what I love doing. So I'll get home, excited, and this is the process between me and my brain.

Me: Alright, I'm home, let's get to my computer and start typing.

My brain: Begins constricting lungs and adding pressure to head

Me: Okay, I'm sitting, I'm breathing to help cope with this. Let's turn on the music and open the doc because we want to do this.

My brain: Further tightens grip on airways, add stinging to eyes, put pressure on the front of his face

Me: No. I'm doing this. I'm going to write. Here, I'm at the part of the document I'll be writing on. Reviewing the last... Last...

My brain: Add desire to scream, constrict arms so they don't want to move like they should, begin killing ability to think. Head to the void.

Me: ...Okay. I'll... I'll go to bed then. I'm tired anyways. Maybe it will help.

It won't.

Me: And when that's done, I won't type but I'll have an okay day. Find something to lose some time with, maybe make me smile.

I won't. The damage in these two minutes is too severe. If I try to smile in this moment before resting at all, my chest will collapse and try to make me not able to breathe even harder.

Me: I just... It was the wrong day I guess.

And if you're going "Oh, that's only on the worst days," No. In fact, my worse days are easier because when I wake up and my anxiety is already simmering, or my depression makes me tired, I don't even try. However, this morning, I was feeling good. I put on my music and my brain tempted me towards walking even which I took as a potentially good sign. It was a warning. I wanted to write though. I opened the doc...

And have not been able to leave my apartment since. That was at seven in the morning. It is a bit past two as I write this. I have an in person psychiatry appointment technically in forty minutes. I spent until one desperately trying to normalize. That appointment is now on Zoom.

This is why I'm disabled. It's not that things are just harder. It's that I will try to do laundry and I have two options. I can either listen to my brain and stop immediately when it hisses and have a bit of panic for a little bit but otherwise an okay day. Or, I can try for five minutes, STILL not do my laundry, and be fucked for at bare minimum an entire day. Either way I lose, just one way I don't suffer. The only reason I use my writing as the more common example is because by all means, by every conceivable metric, I should be slamming out chapter after chapter, book after book with all the ideas I have and the passion I have for this craft, but I have no finished a long running story in over two years because I have no control over when I can or can't write. My passion, joy and creativity don't matter. Only whether or not the storm in my brain will abate for long enough for it to be made.

And so I sit, waiting as close to the eye of the storm as possible, praying for a glimpse of daylight so I may move again without being hurt. See you next tale.

======+++++======

Btw, just because I imagine some might care: I am not self diagnosing here. I have been considered to be disabled since September 2018 and was officially given disability by the US Government for my anxiety and depression in November 2019. This was two years after I had psychiatrist tell me not to bother trying because no one gets on disability for depression because he thought I was faking it and just wanting an easy way out. Life has not been kind to me.

Special shoutout before the rest of mine: The last book I finished was actually inspired by and using my experiences with depression and anxiety and the shockingly only time I've been in a Crises Recovery Center. It's also is a sappy, teen romance between two girls who meet in Crises and need help. Is love really the answer they're looking for though?

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead. If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

A Twitter you can follow too

And a Kofi if you like what I do and want to help out with the fact that disability doesn’t pay much.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

Some replies! A couple about daily posting, some about twst boys.

Anonymous asked:

I hope you don’t feel rushed to post every alternate day. It’s your blog, and if you ever want to take breaks, please take as much time as you want! Always prioritise yourself first! Anyway, that aside, thank you for bestowing upon this fandom such incredible work!

Thank you so much, Anon! This is very sweet, I am very happy to hear that!

Don’t worry about it: we love this blog too much to let ourselves get burnt out by it, so whenever we’ll need it, we’ll take breaks or skip days. Fortunately, you guys are very understanding of our circumstances, so it’s all good <3

Anonymous asked:

I did see the tail post (though I had to check twt before realizing it was a tail... I didn't see the caption.) You just tend to upload multiple times every day (now that I think about it, how do you work with all the art? I want a job with that much free time! ...Sleep is important despite what Idia would say) so I was worried. Glad to know your ok!

-(Overly(?)-)Anxious Anon

P.S. Sorry if I asked to many personal questions: boundaries are not my strong suit. Feel free to ignore them, and please tell me if I make you uncomfortable. I really like your work, and I would hate to make you feel uncomfortable by asking something too personal.

It's okay, Anon; I understand! It must be weird when someone who posts multiple times per day suddenly doesn't post anything, but it really isn't anything to be worried about. It also still feels a little bit weird to skip even a day after that twitter thing that happened in May on my fucking birthday. It was a month-long forced break, and it still haunts us lol Your questions and concerns are perfectly fine and not out of any boundaries.

I draw a lot and pretty much all the time: I start the day by drawing for work (commissions and such, up to six hours), then I take a break to write replies (one hour, or sometimes more, on weekends it can go up to two), then I prepare something for us to post (2-3 hours) + draw for fun for the rest of the day. I also have long sketching sessions whenever I can, and it usually results with a bunch of simple sketches. And we always end up having some stuff to post. Well, usually it’s too much stuff lol Fortunately, I don’t have to ever think about what to post because Katsu does pretty much 100% of our posting. Because of that, I can focus on what I love to do most – you guessed it, drawing. I can’t stress enough how much it helps me out woah.

We usually post replies at around tea time in our time zone (well, Katsu’s), and we post my art ~three hours before going to bed, so to us, this posting feels like once a day. Things for ko-fi and my private twitter are posted in the morning, but if ko-fi posts are twice per day, then one of them is in the evening for us... It’s a lot to keep in mind lol But sometimes we have a couple of things to post, ofc, so these go an hour before our usual posting time so that we won’t replace it with something fewer people are going to like. This is why I said that it helps me out a lot...

I am pretty sure that I am an obsessive weirdo when it comes to drawing, but to be honest, I’ve always been this way. Don’t worry though, I take good care of myself and after a certain point stop drawing for the day; plus, I never draw when I’m tired, and I would never force myself when my back or hand hurt (that doesn’t really happen btw).

And I know that we probably won’t be able to post twst every day for the rest of our lives (for starters, we won’t be into twst forever, as sad as it is…), but for now we can and we’re having fun with it, so I’m very happy about it! Thank you for enjoying our stuff; I say it all the time, but I mean it.

It’s going to sound cheesy, but for now I feel very happy and lucky to be able to draw so much and post so often. With the help of people around me (especially Katsu), with your support, it’s been really great. I want to keep doing it while it lasts and while I can.

Anonymous asked:

Yes, I’d like his number. But considering how old he is maybe smoke signals are more up his valley

(this is about Lilia)

Apparently he likes written letters, Anon, so maybe it will work just as nicely lol

Anonymous asked:

Great. I now low-key ship desperate/thirsty ghost and rook

Well, let’s be honest. Rook would.

[leodoriya]

100 prompts stolen from my friends and i

(100 prompts stolen from my friends and i)

“taps the sign that says guys please let me know when you get injured i trust exactly none of you to keep yourselves alive and well” “taps the sign that says hey i never did sports” “taps the sign that says boobies” “TAPS THE SIGN THAT SAYS FINE I WILL KILL YOU ALL”

“fuck you” “SIR YES SIR”

“i so badly want you to see my piss platoon in COTL”

“p.s. do you still have your ears pierced?” “mhm!” “not for long.”

“wait would tax fraud count as adultery?”

“[name] tanking radiation poisoning for the sole reason of why not. more news at 7”

“in THIS world, it’s either SHUT up or SLUT up and i ALWAYS slay!!”

“you are like the pinnacle of every Don’t instruction on a medical ad”

“when i was young, i too once had nipples”

“and they say white people have no culture. look at all these phrases”

“you texted me and called me a slur” “yahoo!!”

“allow the mundanity of your life to be filled by them. you will find love in your kitchen on a saturday morning when they’re frying eggs and you’re figuring out how to be a person over your coffee, and though you’re bone tired exhausted you’re still well aware that they’re there by the sizzling of eggs and you like that, even through your exhaustion you like that. you will find it when you take off your shoes and place them right next to theirs by the door. when you are loved, you will find love in every place that held nothing”

“to be loved is to find joy and love and care in what otherwise seems like the mundanity of life. like. like. words. words. uh. to be loved is to settle into the comfort of the mundane because you know that youre loved and cared for and the world is beautiful”

“if i was an orb with nothing else to do i’d ruin some childhoods too”

“one of the babies has breached containment”

“i want to put every cat in my mouth”

“i can’t stop writing my fingers don’t wanna stop fingering and these words just keep wording”

“[pet] has become catholic”

“ah yes, my favourite animal: the gun”

“i will eat the fetuses of your inhuman children you have hatefully inserted inside my chicken eggs with the prideful knowledge that i am saving the teeth of future children to come”

“you monster… i like how your mind works”

“what on earth happened i was playing mario kart”

“maybe i am a little coo coo guys…….. shakira shakira……..” “no the right person will love you for your alpha male swag”

“well, that’s what happens when you swipe a waterjet”

“also, he gives off bad vibes like an over cooked fish!!!!!!! remember!!!!!!!!”

“there is a small, air-filled blood cave in my foot” “as usual”

“YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOULL GET HIT BY A BUS >:)”

“[name] don’t fall for his tricks. he’s evil. a conniving little guy. with a bowl cut”

“i think you’re a culinary mad scientist”

“i’d love to punch you in the throat… but not like this, brother… not like this…”

“pissing on a dead guy rn btw” “rock on brother”

“everyone wins!! the femboy killed the business!!!”

“so i have a feeling it should be kicked into the corner like a failed organ harvest”

“current score is furry-1, god-0”

“guys…. come on…. we cannot have more than one loserfailure in this house please…..” “we’re all autistic?” “we all combine to make the loserfailure supreme” “LOSERFAILURES ROLL OUT” “we combine voltron style” “with the super long sequence” “i’ve had enough of your mouth!”

“[name] calls me milkboy because they can’t handle my milkboy swag”

“penis” “????? PENIS???????” “i’m helping you. you’re gay so i’m giving you penis. for emotional support”

“thank you for being suicidal so i can stim with your self harm scars”

“you have interesting flesh” “I HAVE INTERESTING FLESH?!”

“pull that milk cup a little bit closer so it can be like our baby…. it’s our little baby [name]….”

“STOP FOOTING MY TITS”

“i’m like a meat bullet”

“why are you so small?” “i miss the warmth of the womb” “you’re autistic”

“you are literally a dead victorian child” “don’t out him”

“half a year of man cum” “now what is wrong with you?”

“girlhood is defined not by misogyny or toys or violence but instead by stalking”

“YOU ATE MY CORPSE FIRST MAGGOT”

“sorry i’m trying to electrocute a man rn and i need both hands” “WHO???” “UHHH OWL???????? WDYM???????”

“girl relationships are kinda more complex than hieroglyphs tbh so maybe they thought that pedophilia would be the safer route idk i’m just a gaggot”

“hey girl new slur just dropped!!!”

“this song doesn’t just fuck it impregnates and raises the baby with gentle parenting”

“YOURE FRENCH AND GAY? faguette”

“YOU DOUBLE DIPLOMA DICKHEAD”

“he’s against killing unborn children but not living children?” “he likes to look them in the eyes when he kills them”

“[name] look at the dead 30 year old soul lingering in the eyes”

“LLLLLL RIP BOZOOOOOO BOOOOOOO NERRRDDDD BRO HAS AN INJURY LMAOOOOOO SKULL EMOJI TIMES SEVENNNNM” “i’m still taller than you in this wheelchair, boy” “not for long”

“[NAME] NO. you’re supposed to rest” “well maybe they should’ve thought of that before inventing capitalism”

“[NAME] HOW ARE YOU GUYS ALIVE?!”

“you’re like if a normal person got sliced in half and the legs grew their own new torso and head”

“unless you’re [name] but that’s only because [name] said i was making male whimpers and objectifying my pain” “YOU WERE”

“yeah that’s what i thought you sleepless beast”

“my boobies are bisexual i can use both to type but not very well unfortunately”

“GODDAMNIT IS THAT THE FUCKING TORTOISESHELL”

“[name] will you be my hillary clinton?” “yes i will consider you as my close personal friend”

“i love kaijus” “PACIFIC RIM? KAIJUS? SHAKES YOUR HAND” “YES” “YEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!! oh the concept of being drift compatible….” “FR!!!! YOUR BRAINS!!!! MATCH UP!!!!!! assigned soulmates at brainwave technology” “LITERALLY!!! i was so normal about it when i watched pacific rim for the first time” “PREGNANCY IS SCARY!!!!” “Y YES? YOURE ON T MAN DONT WORRY” “i wanted to join in on the brains matching up but i don’t know anything about pacific rim”

“the probability of mpreg is low… but never zero. keep that condom close and your heat suppressants even closer”

“i’m finished! has [name] survived the shame yet?” “no” “lol rip bozo” “i’m going to go live in a lake house and pretend i like kissing women”

“you are all out to get me” “yeah”

“i’m just the worst person ever, huh? should i just get pregnant and give abo birth??? i guess everyone would be so much happier if i started being heterosexual??? you all think i never do anything scrumdilly yum yum for anyone, right??? that’s fine. i’ll just do what everyone wants me to do anyways. see you in five years when i’m shaped like a lizard from eating all those carrots. i hope you’re happy now.”

“OH FUWCK YOFF AL OF YIU!!!’m! I HOPE YORUE SHOWS MAKW SQUELCHWING NOSIWS WHEN YOH WALK RHOUGH THE HALLWAYS IM GONNAQ FUCKTUNG SHIT IN TWHM”

“i thought village people invented the ymca”

“guy whose body is an enigma”

“that reminds me of when [past event]” “wait. wait what the fuck. wait”

“attacks josh hutcherson with the spirit of christmas musiAUGH FUCK”

“there’s a part of me that just wants to [plan]- HOLY SHIT THAT ACTUALLY WORKED”

“i’ve gotta catch some dudes and get my beauty rest”

“leave me alone!!! my dick is tiny and the sex is bad!!! i have stale morning breath!!!”

“my grandparents are going into a home” “that, i can promise you”

“thanks man! clutches my sleep meds tightly in my toes!!”

“PENIS MAN LET’S GOOOOOOOOOOOO”

“STI (Strong Toes Institute)”

“you should send her a bag of organs”

“get spinned metal boy”

“HINGED [NAME] NOOOO sprays you with water”

“a brother, perhaps. one not by blood, but by shared sin. what does he know of our secrets, blanketed by the cover of night? why does he grin so eerily, as though mocking the monster i once was? now i am but a mere man, a hunter turned hunter. i fall prey to the evils that once lay on our tongue.”

“[name] do you know how scary it is to tell a joke and not hear my cackle echo back at me. nothing. just silence, and debussy.”

“what do you mean i am a respectable member of society right now that is not okay”

““i stole your mind” he says. just like that- this grey matter of mine is but an empty vessel, the pinky-white fluid leaking into her hull. as captain, i protect the oath i swore to her; my ship, my love, i go down with you. may gentle waves and great tides alike wash upon the shores: our bodies, together. once one, we are now two, as he thieves away the treasures. useless boon, worth not a pebble; but he knows, he knows- you are what made me complete. “i stole your mind” he says, but it is, too, my heart that he has plundered. not to keep or return with vows; nay, a single toss across the seas! it skips, once, twice, before the sandy bed lulls my boat to sleep.”

“good luck man i’m just gonna be over here feeling existential about my face not being mine. is this what it’s like to be high”

“i’ll remember something and instead of imagining a flash bang with something like “HORSE FROWN” in neon block letters popping out of the white i have to experience an emotion for longer than three seconds.”

“how i bagged my girl (snow day): PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE OLEASE PLEADEPLASE PLEASE PLEASEPLEASE” “LET ME GET WHAT I WAAAAANNTTT” “I AM BEGGING EVERY DEITY HOLY FIGURE”

“gay man talking about bagging a girl + lesbian being a theatre major + buddhist that is only buddhist because of ethnicity and agnosticism” “THAT WAS A THE SMITHS SONG” “That Is A The Smiths Lyric” “in times of desperation humanity’s true colours shine” “[NAME] I CANT BELIEVE YOU” “the smiths have the same level of drama as a cishet theatre company so it’s fine” “damn ok”

“I WAS NOT A FUCKING DOMINATRIX FUCK YOU i just spinned people really fast on the playground until they said it ticked and was too fast and begged me to stop- wait yeah okay thats.”

“WHY ARE YOU IN BLOOD HELL??”

““be not afraid” if i saw you in the woods i would be so torn between hiding and running that i might die on the spot” “smash” “smash” “GUYS COME ON- THIS GUY???” “not that guy. the tree guy” “THAT IS THE TREE GUY” “i could make him trans”

“heh. wouldn’t you like to be liver suckled, cock boy?”

“can i trust testsigma.com?” “no” “MAN”

“ohhh now i know why you lost your nipples”

“I WILL ALTER YOUR SKIN IN WAYS THAT CANNOT BE REVERSED NOR HIDDEN. MY TOUCH WILL IMMORTALIZE ITSELF IN YOUR BONES, AND LONG AFTER WE ARE GONE, YOUR VERY ESSENCE WILL SCREAM WITH MY VOICE.”

“WE'RE FINISHING OFF WITH MY BODY MOD HOBBY???????????????????????????????????????????”

all thanks to the troop 🫡: @striderman @thevoidsflame @xansa-e03

(also PLEASE tag me or message me if you use them so my friends and i can consume it)

[sipsoop]

good evening. what's going on for tumblr user sipsoop. ramble. to do list. life and school and such under the cut. vry long

first of all. ghosted a guy (didn't mean to at first tbh) (reasons.) and he vague posted about it in his INSTAGRAM NOTES. like. sadly. like. "i wish i didn't hope too much" . i did block him . baffled me to an incredible level. we had like 2 conversations. over 2 days. SURELY THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE THAN ME. sorry to him but also oh wow

i have an essay and essay proposal due november 7. really need to finish the essay this week because i also have a lab on wednesday and lab reflection due monday. my leg. my stomach.

i have to finish the fellowship of the ring this week. ESSAY IS ON THE HOBBIT BTW. class is about tolkien. yeah. like i know what i need to write (sort of) but it's 5-6 pages and

literally just handed in another 4 page reading response essay last week so you see why i feel like blowing up. (was part of why i (accidentally) ghosted the guy.) same class is the one i need to do an essay proposal. for the Final essay. um. no idea what i'm going to do it on. octodad?? idk. i still need to do a second RR and presentation (😧) in between the proposal and final essay. mystomach

enjoying tolkien btw. sorry. back to him. i've never watched lotr i barely knew what it was about before this but i'm having a good time. i do have to keep skimming over all the description of travel and landscape like I HAVE THINGS TO DO.

um. the essay proposal class. my 4 page RR. there's no guidelines it's Very open BUT I'M SCARED I DID IT WRONG i feel nauseated. since i'm in honours i can't get a lower final grade than a B+ in a soc class so if i flopped that RR i'm gonna drop honours before they can drop ME. how humiliating that'd be. i feel nauseated. please give me a B+. being fr i will drop honours if it seems like i'll get a B i'm being so fr. but i'm mad bc i think i'd have to REAPPLY to the uni AGAIN for ANOTHER FEE so i'm really hoping i did ok. oghhmygod

whatever. the class with the lab I HAVE 100 IN RIGHT NEOW!!! the only 100 in the class as of the midterm mark release. Heh. the only other class i've gotten 100 in was religious studies in jr high. STILL RIDING THIS HIGH!!! grade will drop eventually i'm sure but. CRAZY

um. my percy art. erm. should post soon. i still think it needs to be fixed. i feel like it doesn't look like him. my head hurts

GOHHGMTGOD there was this person i saw on the bus in first year and i'd always look at them. had an mc creeper backpack. um. never saw them again after that first sem. SAW THEM LAST WEEK. JAW. DROP. different backpack but it was definitely them. didn't talk to them in the morning and figured i'd see them another day Maybe or Never Again. JAW DROP. SAW THEM IN THE EVENING GOING HOME. (crazy bc i wasn't supposed to bus and i also went to the dollar store first so What specific time to see you.) Like Oh... Is this.. Fate? but then Nuclear Explosion. they were holding a fucking bouquet of flowers. ARE YOY KIDDINT. SICK AND CRUEL AND TWISTED JOKE UPON ME. whatever. who knows who those flowers were for. i mean they were going home so maybe a family member but MAN.

i rlly want a fursuit for cons next year. like the kigurumi fursuits i want one SO BAD i've always wanted one casually but me and my irl (summer) talked about them and it's kinda for serious for us now. i just think it'd fix my anxiety because no one knows who i am AND THEY'RE SOOO PRETTY maannn...

ok. think that's the bulk of it. will go work on percy and umm. maybe type a sentence or two about bilbo baggins. so much anxiety is inside my body always but for the next two weeks especially. i need to blow up. hope u are all doing well. if u have a life update let me know.! meowowow

[pikaflute]

HAI if you have any more oddly specific headcanons u haven't shared about sam and slash or max i would love to hear them

OOOO yes :) ill do both teehee

sam

okay im gonna start with his family cause i wrote some headcanons for them yesterday. he has two sisters who are younger than him. he was really good at taking care of them when he was little because he had to take of a worse child (max) all the time. they tease their big bro about max btw. max joins in. worst fucking husband of the year. they're like 10 years younger than him. their names are sara and sadie. listen the s names are good.

his mom loves him so much. like sam's her little angel. she spoils him rotten when he comes home and max laughs about it and sam tells him to jump off a cliff.

his dad is just like him (autistic). he's a lawyer (user pikaflute always tries to squeeze in lawyers in every media like their life depends on it FUKKKK … why sam’s dad a lawyer all of da sudden) and he's the reason why sam wanted to be a detective. they watched noir films together when sam was young

back to general headcanons now: sam is a gamer. yeah, old pc point and clicks and puzzle games. and arcade games. he's probably secretly really good at newer games but he's rather just relax and take his time and solve shit.

not a morning person. at all. he will not leave the bed until like 10 am and will guzzle a pot of coffee. he just wants to stay in bed. i say let him!

likes to window shop. he will walk around new york with max and when he sees something he likes he will look into the store and will stay there until max has to pull him away.

he can bake. him mom and grandma taught him :). he has max taste his stuff and it just ends up with max eating like 10 cupcakes in like 10 minutes

has like all these figurines of things he knows nothing about. the geek asks him where he got that limited edition collectible miku and sam's like "oh she's just a cute one isn't she?" "sam they made like 100 of these how did you get her" "i found her!"

i'm giving him my greatest struggle: ibs. boys who go through tummy aches are our strongest warriors!

baseball lover. go mets!

max

i know most family headcanons for max give him siblings but. i want to be funny. he's an only child. like he is that kind of asshole (source i'm an only child)

he has two moms. yeah deal with it. lesbianism WIN.

as a kid the only person his moms would let him go play with was sam because max would actually be calm around sam and they wouldn't have to be on high alert for their kid biting someone's head off

he will make accounts to go on forums to argue with people about shit he knows nothing about and is 100% wrong on but will win the argument anyway. he truly has the heart of a poster. he's also banned from most forums and like twitter and facebook

i think he has a bunch of different things he picked up as a hobby. knitting, wood carving, poker (obviously), video games, drawing, pottery, solving puzzles (he sucks at those and asks sam for help), and many more. he can't keep his mind focused, he's gotta do it all!

speaking of video games, he plays violent ones. he likes the blood and gore. it's funny to him. he also plays fighting games online and is extremely toxic to everyone around him. he just like me fr.

he loves spicy food. like he will guzzle spice packets into his open mouth all the time. then he'll get a stomach ache from eating like 15 spicy packets from taco bell

hates hot weather. it makes his fur all puffy and static. he also hates the heat in general, make him irritable (more than usual)

i think he stims a lot. he moves around a lot doing stuff in the games but i think one day sam gets him a fidget toy and max is like oh my god. oh my god sam i could make love to you. and sams like. play with the toy instead jackass. and max does like all the time everyday forever.

hockey lover. go devils!

[reijndeers]

it would be silly if i didn't ask kiwi (or kai if you don't want to do kiwi)

ahh i’m so sorry this took so long 😭😭 finally got a chance to give kiwi his flowers!!

favorite thing about them

the way he speaks in interviews, which sounds so sadistic to say lol. his shyness is just so endearing to me!! also his smile with his teeth omd he’s just the cutest i’ll leave it at that 💗💗

least favorite thing about them

his lack of interactions with literally anyone. kiwi please i am working with crumbs here.

favorite line

not a direct line but him being asked what he eats for lunch and him responding with 100% sincerity ‘doughnuts with jam’ lmaoo

brOTP

rambo and kiwi has a special place in my heart, so probably them (jury’s out on if it’s platonic or romantic).

OTP

the one and only tomi/kiwi. was there any other option? cutest guys ever.

nOTP

this would be so much easier if he spoke to anyone but kiwi/saliba remind me too much of two siblings where one cannot stop talking and the other is dead silent lol so ig them

random headcanon

is not a morning person whatsoever. absolutely loves the sea and loves swimming (terrified of crabs though). gets stressed out by big cities, prefers small towns that he knows well. was doted on so much by grandmothers when he was younger (and still now tbh). honestly i could keep going.

unpopular opinion

put him up front. please. for just one match mikel i’m acc begging you. i’m so convinced (delusion) that he would solve all our striker problems if he had a little bit of confidence and actually started for once. or just shove him in lcm honestly at least he’s played there. am i being just as bad as arteta by putting him in literally any other position than the one he wants? maybe! 

song i associate with them

bags by clairo, i don’t smoke + i bet on losing dogs by mitski (ballad by a homeschooled girl is such a shout btw)

favorite picture of them

has to be between these two

he just looks so happy!! i have never changed a layout so fast in my life lmao

he looks both so confused and so concerned i laughed so hard the first time i saw it 😭😭

[mccoys-killer-queen]

Seeing REO Speedwagon and Styx ON THE SAME NIGHT- Part 2

This part is exclusively the Styx stuff. Buckle up.

forgot to mention in the last post that the merch for REO wasn't that good? I didn't buy an REO shirt bc there genuinely wasn't anything I wanted, so I bought a keychain

the styx shirts, however, were awesome and I bought one PLUS and an autographed cd of their newest greatest hits compilation

I was already at the point of passing out by the time REO was done

oH btw i forgot to mention that the ppl next to us were super nice it was a husband and wife and the husband RECOGNIZED MY ART FROM INSTAGRAM ???? BC REO SHARED IT ;O; I literally started tearing up

anyway when Styx came out all hell broke loose as far as my insanity goes

Seeing Tommy irl up close(ish) still felt like I was staring at my computer screen

seeing gOWAN UP CLOSE HOWEVER-

((So a bit of background info before I continue: in the days and weeks prior to this, I have been texting Gowan on instagram. Just the occasional story reply and whatnot, nothing frequent or long-winded. I'd just like his responses and move on. However, I did want to let him know I'd be at the Allentown show just because, so when he was posting from Philadelphia two days ago, I bid him a bright welcome from eastern PA and said I'd see him in Allentown the next day, and that I'd be the one "near the front wearing a Gowan shirt"))

((he liked the message and responded to it with his stupid avatar as always. All systems were go. He knew I was gonna be there.))

((should point out here there was oNE OTHER PERSON IN THE ENTIRE FAIR WEARING A GOWAN SHIRT, AND SHE WAS AT THE FUCKING BARRIER))

((however my shirt was better bc it actually had his face and logo on it, whereas hers was just your typical airbrushed shirt with the word "gowan" on it (plus a cap)))

SO, with that background info:

I was basically right in front of his spinning piano/keyboard/organ, just 5 rows deep.

During the first fucking song (To Those), Gowan fucking recognized me. He fucking recognized me. He straight up pointed at me with this big smile on his face and kept doing his little hand motions in my direction and nodding- he fucking knew it was me.

this led to a relationship- a love affair, if you will- between me and our dearest Larry for about the first half of the set.

He sang Lady to me. HE SANG LADY TO ME. It was part of the second/third verse but he was SINGING LADY TO ME ASADFAKJFABSDJGBDFKJBGEAEUOGHHHHFFFFFFFFFFFF

And now I am become Lady, of the Morning

we'd sing to each other and do hand motions to each other it was magical I never wanted it to end

AT ONE POINT- i forget what song it was- HE WAS PLAYING PIANO AND LOOKING AT ME SO I BLEW HIM A KISS AND HE FUCKIN SWOONED AT ME OGSRTNGERGNGSRNTGOI HELPPPPP

what i mean by that is that he fuckin leaned back as if the kiss had "hit" him and let his eyes roll back a little bit i HATE HIMMMM (affectionate)

TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY TOMMY

Tommy sounds so fucking good and looks so fucking good and i feel so normal about that

MISS AMERICA GOES SO HARD LIVE FUCKIN LOVE JY AND HIS SPARKLY GREEN STRAT UGHHHHHHH

Pretty sure Gowan was looking at me again during Miss America so now i am become Miss America, our Love

TOMMY POINTED AT ME DURING LORELEI WHICH I WAS SURPRISED AT BC I WAS SO FAR AWAY FROM HIM BUT IT WAS **DEFINITELY** ME HE WAS POINTING AT BC I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD MY ARMS UP AND I WAS JUMPING

I think Tommy might've looked at me and nodded a few times at me after that throughout the set but I'm only half sure of that, but when he pointed at me during Lorelei was the only time i was 100% sure he acknowledged me

GOWAN'S SPARKLY COAT AND HAT FOR ROCKIN THE PARADISEEEE

Rockin the Paradise had to be the height of the night i stg it goes so hard

Gowan introducing Will and saying he weighs in at 365 pounds

Gowan introducing JY and saying he weighs in at 100 pounds and stands 3'6'' or something

Gowan introducing Ricky as a member of the Babys and then saying he hit early puberty after being a Baby

CHUCK WAS THERE AsDFKASDHFAAAAAAAA I WAS GENUINELY NOT EXPECTING CHUCK TO BE THERE I WAS SO HAPPYYYYY

When Gowan called Chuck out for Lost At Sea, Chuck just like fucking trudged across the stage like he didn't wanna be there and it made Gowan laugh in the middle of his sentence and he said "nice entrance, by the way"

I was so fucking dehydrated by the middle of their set that i swear to GOD when larry started playing Khedive it felt like it quenched my painful thirst

Tommy had 3 different outfits throughout the set. The second one was like pink and purple camo or something i love him. the third one was s l u t t y.

Can I just say I MUCH prefer the live version of Lost At Sea

Gowan called us the "Allentown choir" bc Come Sail Away was coming up

Come Sail Away is always so ethereal like holy shit "magical" doesn't begin to scrape the surface

GOWAN FUCKIN BOPPIN DURING MR ROBOTO HELL YEAHHHH

Even Tommy was bopping otgnioerginaerg

Tommy didn't come over to stage right the entire time except for at the very end of Renegade and that's the closest I've ever been to him in my life

HIS SMILE IS EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL IN PERSON

SEEING HIM JUMP AND DO HIGH LEG KICKIES AND SEEING HIS HAIR GO SWOOSH IRL AAAAAAAAA

I THINK JY might've been looking at me at some points but again i genuinely couldn't tell

At the end of the set I held up Tommy's portrait and Gowan was trying to get a look at it but probably couldn't tell bc i was far away and there was probably a glare

only one pick during this entire night got thrown in the general area of where I was and I don't even remember who threw it tbh I don't even remember what BAND it was during

I then waited by the bus exit for like 15 minutes, peeking through the fence before a security guard asked me what I was doing. I briefly explained to him I just had prints for the bands and he told me "the first band" had already left and "the second band" was about to and that they 'don't get things'

I asked him once or twice just to confirm that there was no one I could give them to in order for them to get them, just so I knew that the Mission had come to its end.

EDIT: GOWAN MADE THE "BASS PRO SHOP" JOKE WITH CHUCK ONSTAGE BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

EDIT: When tommy segued into Too Much Time he did the thing again— "try and picture yourself in the early days of MTV, just try and picture yourself there" and when the song started he froze and did these crazy eyes looking from side to side like 👀 "oh shit..."

at the line "i can solve the world's problems without even trying" he did this limp wrist type thing kfksakkfogof he also did the lil "i'd go out cruisin" hand

allegedly after their bows Todd kissed tommy on the cheek or something gnskqkofykgkd

Epilogue: I texted Gowan this morning. Will update on that later.