#I also took a while cuz I forgot about it mid January

[batolusa]

Oc’s am I right ?

I decided to challenge my wrist and be expressive with ocs. This was fun to do owo!

Ducky belongs to @becauseimgabbeh-blog

Reven and the Leech Prince belongs to @harborchild

Hanna belongs to both @becauseimgabbeh-blog and @morbid-mordecai

Callum belongs to @thetalltaleteller

And Beatrice belongs to @morbid-mordecai and me ;)

[agentsoftie]

mistletoe

summary: you like him, a lot. so penny does something. something that may or may not involve mistletoe

a/n: it’s vlogmas y’all! also just act like this was uploaded on the 1st instead of the second. also, this love isn’t proof read so bare with me

pairing and word count: spencer x (f) reader & 1.6k

The day was December 1st, and in the paradise that is Virginia, that meant Holiday season. The lights were already up. And the cold air was picking up so much that one couldn't possibly go outside without wearing a coat, fearing for hyperthermia. Carolers were out around the town, singing their hearts out and freezing their hands off. Pictures With Santa was being set up in the park, and elves were practicing their dances and jingles. You could smell the cookies and the peppermint from a mile away. Christmas songs and melodies were playing all across town. And in response, all the hungover college kids were groaning and sulking all across town as they got their morning coffee and went to class.

Each radio was playing some form of holiday music instead of its general hillbilly religious crap. And you honestly didn't mind. Although, it's not like you ever bothered to turn on the radio. But today, something was different. Something had just changed. Maybe it was the fact that it was now the time for laughter and joy instead of harm. Maybe that was the change.

The cold air suddenly leaves your ears as the feeling of warmth rushes in. And to your surprise, you're greeted by a very peppy Lenny. Although, you did bring him a donut this morning, so that might have an effect. “Y/N! Good Morning!” He said as he buzzed you in. “You too Len! Hope you like the snack.” Before you could finish the question, he was half way done with his donuts. You smiled to yourself as you entered the elevator.

“Wait!” You heard someone yell as you were about to hit the button. You waited, as one does, and soon saw the figure that was running towards you clear up. “Spencer,” you breathed out as he ran in. “Y/n, hi.” He said as he was catching his breath.

You hit the button and quickly looked down, trying to avoid his gaze as much as possible. You see, you loved him. Ever since the dawn of time. Or, at least since last December. See, today, technically marks your one year anniversary since you joined the team. See, the first time you first laid eyes on him, the first time you said hello, your heart skipped a beat. The way he moved, the way he talked, just him. Him- himself, was memorizing enough. Never though. Never did you have the courage to talk or say anything to him. The team always noticed, but they never said anything, saying as you got along with them all great.

As soon as the elevator opened you ran for the two glass doors… As subtly as possible. The office smelt like peppermint and hot chocolate, and there was only one possible reason for that. Penelope.

“Good morning my lovely little love birds!”

You both stopped in your steps and looked at each other dead in the eye. “You guys, I’m joking, come on.” You both chuckled awkwardly and he quickly sprinted to his desk as you but your coffee on your desk.

“Like what you’ve done with the place Nel. Quite nice if I say so.”

She set a stack of piles on the desk, and straightened your hair.“You better like it. I stayed till like 10 getting everything ready and paid Lenny 20 dollars to help me set up half of these things.”

“Sucks that it’s gonna be down by mid January.” You say as you take some files off.

“Ooooh, yeah no, that’s not gonna happen.”

“Hey Nel, these aren't files.” You say as you give her the file you were looking at and picked through the other ones. Just to find that they weren't files either.

“Oh! Look at that! I never even noticed,” she said as she straightened her pasture. Spencer looked over to see what the commotion was about, but you tried not to pay attention.

“Spencer, would you come here please!”

You looked at Penelope and cursed in every single language you knew, and that was including ALS. She was the only one at the BAU who knew about your crush on Spencer. Since she was the reason you ever even wanted, or considered joining the BAU.

He got up and walked to your desk as you tried to look busy.

“What’s up Pen?” He said as he put his hand on your desk.

“I need you and Y/N to do something for me.” You looked shocked, but luckily, Spencer didn't see anything. “Can you please go down and do a few errands for me. Or well, for us.”

“Will we get paid?” You asked, she nonned.

“Is Hotch okay with this?” He asked, she, again, nodded. “Alright then, just text us what you need.” He said as he grabbed your hand and walked towards the door. You quickly grabbed your phone and wallet and pulled yourself forward. Your cheeks were rosy red. Or, as red as they could be, so you kept your head high. Although that probably doesn't work in your favor when you will be stuck with him the entire day.

“Okay, first of all, fresh roses.”

“Oooh, I know a great little flower shop. It’s by the bakery near Santa’s Little Shop.”

“Where?”

“It’s by my house here I’ll-”

“Got it.” He said as he cut you off. You wanted to ask him how he knew where you lived, but then you figured that before you came, he went over you and your file like 50 times. Or with him, most likely one.”

You looked out the window as snow fell down to the ground. It was a light snow, nothing big, nothing new. It was the type of snow where you could build a snowman, but it might take an eternity. He drove slowly and carefully turning on the radio to find The Beatles playing.

“Here we go.” He said as Blackbird was dying down in the background.

“Perfect.”

You both got out of the car and looked around. Some things just never change. Even when you’re off of work.

“Hi! Welcome!”

“Hey Blair! Where are all or your red, white, and green flowers?”

“That’s… oddly specific.” She spoke as she got up from behind the counter.

“Work.”

“Uh-huh, sure. Whatever you say… Well okay, here we have our roses, a staple piece. Then, some white roses, another staple piece. And Finally, green roses!”

You smiled a little. It was small, but she saw it. “I think Y/N’s looking for something more festive? Like… these poinsettia’s!” Spencer said as he walked around the store/

“I’ll take the roses, all three colors, and the poinsettia’s please.”

She rang up the total and you were gonna give her your credit card, but he beat you too it.”Spence…” You trailed “Y/N don't.”

You grabbed the flowers and so did he. He opened the car and as soon as you got it, the conversation picked up once more. “You know, you never had to do that.”

“I wanted to.”

“Okay well so did I.”

“Well I did it first.”

“What are you, five?”

“Is that supposed to mean something Y/N?” He said as he looked over at you.

“Ehh ehh, eyes the road!” You said as you snapped at the road.

He simply laughed as he looked back. “Okay, Now the coffee shop. She said that we need fresh treats since some of the kids are coming over tonight.”

“What’s tonight?” You asked as you looked around at the white ground. This was the first time in a while, or maybe in forever that you were having a normal and fluent conversation with him. It’s always, “Hi Spencer *runs away” or “Hey, *dies inside*” BUt this, this was different. This was fun. This was something you could get used to.

“Remember the office party.”

“Fuck… Yeah I forgot.”

“Ehh don't worry, so did I. But I think I’m just gonna stay home and re-read something.”

“Weirdo,” you said as you ran your fingers through his hair and messed it up. Somehow, just somehow, your heart wasn't beating 20 times fast almost causing you to fall dead on the spot. But instead you were just having fun and laughing. With Spencer. Spencer Reid. Dr. Spencer Reid. Someone you’ve had a crush on for a year.

“Do you like the Holidays?”

“Yeah, of course. I mean, it was the only holiday that I looked forward to when I was a child. Still now too I guess. Which is highly concerning, but we’re not gonna talk about that.”

He chuckled. “You’re funny Y/N,”

“I know.” You said as you smirked.

You looked around at everything that was going on. Kids running around and people drinking hot chocolate. Other people watching the carolers sing, and others kissing under the mistletoe. One person though couldn't stop staring. They couldn't stop staring at you. They looked at your magnificent hair and melted. They looked into your eyes and watched them shine. And heard a baby laugh for the first time every time you talked or laughed.

“What about you Spence?”

“Huh?”

“You like the holidays?”

“Yeah,”

“Well, why?”

“Why what?”

“Why do you like the holidays?”

“Because of mistletoe,”

“Because of what?”

You were cut off by his hand cuffing your face. I took you a moment to realize what was happening, but once you did, you melted in. You put your hands in his hair and pulled a little. The kiss was aggressive for a public kiss but you soon eased it up due to the fact that this was happening in public. You broke apart due to the fact that breathing exists. And smiled into each other's lips.

“I said… because of mistletoe.”

“Screw you Spencer Reid.”

“You wish.”

“Really, cuz that didn't look like it.”

“You kissed back.”

“By default,”

tagging; @criminalmindsmoodrn​, @marshmallowtraver​, @ghostly-angelic​, @himarisolace​

moot tags: (sorry if this annoys you) @blakeprentiss​, @lizziechase​, @goldenxreid​

[theravenclawmonster]

I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 2 of dunno how many)

The previous post of this series of posts can be found in this link post 1

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to) [yes, this is the same in all posts in series]

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post. 

Okay, where was i? The first visit to the doctor. I had my tests done and bought the acidity medicine and the vitamins he suggested (i had already started to take vitamins again since a couple of weeks before, he just added folic acid to that. I also have a bit of an issue with vitamins and people telling me to eat them indicating that all will be well after that; but more about that later). in the pharmacy, my mother was pretty upset with me cuz i kicked her out of the room and told me some stuff i don’t want to remember right now. ummm... basically she said “ why did you ask me to leave, what secret were you going to tell the doctor? what did you tell him we did to you? i know what you think about me. you could have just said it all in front of me. what was with all the secrecy” [funnily enough, although i did ask her to leave, my reason was cuz i can’t really speak in front of her (she interrupts a lot too) and i was worried that i’d cry and didn’t want to hear about it for another 6 months. there was no secret or i didn’t even think about mentioning the abuse, cuz how do you just go to a stranger and say “ hi i am in pain and my parents abuse me”. even asking for help for my pain was demanding enough for me.] . she also “informed” me very angrily that the it wasn’t allowed for a woman to be alone with a male doc, a nurse must be present (which was not present) and that is probably why doc didn’t do the proper physical checkup. Well! he should have (if he thought an extensive one was necessary; he did check my breathing and stomach softness), called a nurse in or my mother in. i didn’t have any issues with him doing my physical checkup alone too.  and he didn’t mention anything about that to me at all.

Anyway, I went back thinking God knows how long was this process was going to take and if i had the energy to fight for myself and make people believe that i was actually in a lot of pain. the reports came back fine (the expensive test one too, to much displeasure of my father “but this came back fine, so expensive for no use. why did he even write that test?” as if it would have been somehow better to get a positive test back for a disease?! I really don’t know how his mind works. By the time all reports were in, it was time for my appointment at the psychiatrist and it was decided to go to her first, then on our way back show the reports to our primary doc. that way we could also talk to him about what she said.

Oh wait, i forgot to mention in my last post. the doctor only suggested the psychiatrist and later sent me her number saying that i have told her about you please take an appointment. i had to call her and i asked about her fees which she very nicely said would be discounted and that helping me and understanding what was stressing me was more important. I felt so weird then, i don’t really hear these type of things very often.... or almost ever. 

going to the clinic was easy enough, of course my mother and father accompanied me. and my mother did follow in. [let me just add that i only remember about half of what happened so...] the doctor ( hereby referred to as Psy lady) asked me “so, how are you?” and i said “ i’m good *smiled awkwardly as she realised that was not what she meant to ask*. she was like okay, how do you feel and what do you want to discuss me with. so i just sat there like a dumbass. then i asked her how much the other doc told her about me. she said it was just that you are his patient and needs psychiatric help in his opinion.

I am just going to make a dialogue format written account for that and the next doctor’s visit as this seems way too confusing.

At that time (not sure) my mother interrupted;

Mother: *turned to me* “if you don’t mind may i tell her the history etc” *in pointed politeness*

Me: “ok.”

Mother: *launched from how i was such a brilliant smiling child and wanted to take this scholarship abroad but she said no* *went off a long tangent about how she was just being a nice worried parent in controlling my life and now feels guilty cuz i can’t let it go* *finished by saying* “Dr., she just can’t forget that, she is stressed no job plus the lock down etc you know how it is. then she found out she has scoliosis in january and i think she has taken it to heart, like really it is completely asymptomatic and i have asked the doc she won’t have any problems cuz of it in the future” (i am guessing she meant having babies but really who knows) “she has just taken stress over that”.

Psy lady : *scribbled something on her paper* “My i have some time alone with her?”

Mother: “yes yes sure” *left* 

Psy lady : “so tell me a bit about yourself.”

Me: *was still fuming and recoiling and shaking in my seat cuz i just don’t understand until how long is my mother going to throw that in my face. it has been years and i wasn’t even that upset about it (at least i just quietly internalized it) but she refused, controlled my life (since birth btw and still does now) and not even let me do anything else i want to do, nor find a job, then proceeded to throw her ‘oh i feel so guilty, i am such a good parent. i have commited a crime by being caring and now i must be punished oh!’ at me. Like where am i in all that? you say no, you control, your guilt, your love, your care, your image as a parent that must never be broken. where am i in all that? ALSO you never listen to my complains about pain so shut up* 

Psy lady: ...

Me: “umm... hi... i umm never had a dream, but then i found this thing in my mid-twenties and i loved it, but they didn’t let me pursue it, then didn’t let me do anything. and now they act like i am a burden on them. now i have nothing to do or like, and i can’t even find a job or have anywhere to go. i don’t even really wanna die, i am just tired” *burst into tears yet again as i realized i had no idea why i was telling her all that and it felt so fake and story like at the same time*    “... i can’t even breathe and i am in so much pain all the time that i feel like detached from my body cuz every time i try to be in it it fucking hurts.”

Psy lady: “are your parents always this much controlling” *pointed to the door indicating my mother*

Me: “they are emotionally abusive”

Psy lady: *had been looking into my eyes but looked away at the word abusive and didn’t say anything*

Me: *continued after a little shock that i actually said it out loud* “I can’t walk, my knees hurt” *tried to repeat almost all that was possible from the previous doc*   *also told her about feeling dissociative and explained a bit how that feels for me* * told her all about how i was fine in dragging me through life but now that my body has suddenly collapsed (where as before it was just emotional pain and numbness and occasional body pains in back and stuff nothing too overwhelming or maybe i was mentally strong to ignore it) i feel very scared and lost. I was dealing with everything fine on my own even when i felt like dying but now i cant handle anything, i can’t even act in front of others; something i am exceptionally good at* *talked about lowered brain function, slowness, low blood pressure, no energy suddenly, not being able to retain information or remember anything, not having a concept of time and memory*

Psy lady: *explained about DPDR disorder and asked me about sleep eating etc.*

Me: *repeated the same: loved sleep can’t now, loved eating can’t now* 

After some time of explaining asking and answering, she said that i have depression and what happens is that our brain stops making certain chemicals and to get it to make them again we have 2 options. one is medicine; the other is motivation and exercises. it seems like the latter would be hard for me (and i confirmed that i infact cannot walk or do almost anything and exercise is too painful cuz pain everywhere) she said that the best route in my situation is to start the medicine for some weeks (she said she’d not give them for more than 4 months; whole course including tapering them out) and explained that the medicines were very safe and answered all my queries about dependency on them or side effects etc. I said if that is what she thinks would be best and if taking them means i could feel alive again and my brain function would return to normal.

she then asked me to bring my mother back in. she explained the medicines to her and said i have diagnosed her with MDD. My mother asked what is that. She said Moderate Depressive disorder. my mother asked if the medicine was necessary. she  said yes, and to not worry as these were safe and she’s only giving to get me started and pull me out of this extreme state, only for a short time. she also said that come back after 10 days of eating these, so we can see the effect and the side effects if any, and that day she’d also get me an appointment for a psychologist who worked in the same clinic as she thinks it would help me immensely. we agreed. took the medicine and left for the doc no. 1′s clinic. My mother didn’t say anything.

we reached his office and throughout the short car ride and while sitting there waiting for my turn, i was feeling very... accomplished? enthusiastic? Dunno... I was just trying not to cry cuz i finally had it written on paper, i was finally diagnosed, i had finally gotten help. yes, it was only a start and i don’t know much about how doctors work diagnosis and how much more can be added in future visits but it was a start. i finally did something to actually help me.

Finally, our turn came. we showed him the reports and told him what she said and prescribed. My mother asked him if the meds were necessary. 

doc: “yeah they really believe in starting meds right away.”

mother: “I don’t want her to take them, it’s like giving up. she can use her will power and get better right?” [she also added something very weird like ‘these stamps (mental disorders diagnosed on paper) are not good for a woman’ or something along this line]

Doc: “yes she can. i too would suggest she do that.”

Mother: *went off on a long tangent about how when she was my age she had depression after having my older sister. but she will-powered through it and didn’t take the meds etc*

doc: “yes i agree, but it really depends on her is she willing to do it” *in a tone that suggested that i should say yes immediately and will-power though life*

Me: * realizing no one is listening to me* “doctor, can you please talk with the Psy lady and ask her if they are necessary in her opinion cuz i have no will left to power though with.”

Doc: “okay.” *called her and talked right then* * told her that he thinks it would be better to willpower through it?

Mother: “well she can will-power through right?”

Doc: “well the Psy lady said that she has been powering through with her will power for years; she has none left anymore. so she thinks that meds are the best option and besides” *looked at the prescription again* “these meds are not addictive and very safe.”

Mother: * insisted on no meds for 15 more minutes and had a long discussion with doc about praying, watching motivational speakers and what not*

doc: *joined in enthusiastically*

Me: *stared into the distance and stops listening with my wobbly neck and painful back*

Doc: “well she is not even listening. can you do it? exercise?”

me: “no it hurts, as i have explained before, not like the yayy muscle cramping up cuz i worked out way and i will love exercise in 2 weeks time way. No! the tendons hurt the bones hurt the joints hurt extremely painfully and it increases with time, even after 2-3 weeks it doesn’t get better.”

Doc: “okay, how about friends? social life? what do you do at home etc”

Me: “my friends are not here, i never made new ones. no social life. even when i was going to class before the lock down, it was from home to uni, uni to home. had no friends there. and i did walked in uni for about half an hour or even more but it hurt in the beginning, i thought okay, cramps (although my knees and heels were very painful too) but it almost felt like it got better (the cramps part) but then it got way worse and after a month i couldn’t walk for more than 10 minutes at a very slow painful speed.”

Doc: *asked about pets, anything that would suggest i was a living being with a life*

Me: “pets are not allowed and so is leaving the house by myself.”

Mother: *interjected* “we have never restricted her for anything.”

By this time, i had frankly given up and i don’t remember what happened next or where the conversation went. just remember something along the lines of “ for these 10-15 days before the next Psy lady appointment, let her do whatever she likes to, don’t ask her don’t control her. let her start up her social life again. she needs to be around friends and the things she can enjoy” something like this. to which my mother said very confidently “sure whatever she wants to do”

then, we left his office and in the car she told me to “not eat the meds as we have ‘now discussed it with your doctor”

this is getting way longer. i think i’d make one more post about it, or maybe one more after that for bits that i forgot. this post seems so badly written upon second inspection. this is not even the 40% of what happened but i don’t remember what happened exactly, or even the timeline.

The third and hopefully last post of this series can be found here post 3

[xsapphirestar]

MM fandom reminds me of MS fandom

Hahaha

MS used to be really popular 

like 10-12 years ago + 

until big bang patch , there were huge changes . 

in the year 2007 ~ 2010 ; 

i was quite new to MS at that point of time.

i was really a newbie, noobie and naive . 

in the year 2007 ~ 2008 , 

it was when i first discovered ‘bannedstory’ a free program for maple sprites. (kind of like mmd. free program but drawn models lolz) . 

so i played around with the program ; 

my first YT channel , where i uploaded almost everything i did with bannedstory and some other program i forgot . I used to be really desperate for subscribers too. not anymore. IDGAF ABOUT THE NUMBERS ANYMORE LOLZ. itz just numbers. 

i watched other users’ ms videos , i also discovered a paid program ‘ sony vegas‘ but since i couldnt afford it ( i was really young and naive ) //i’m still am// ^^;; //illegal// 

i played around with sony vegas, AND HOLY SHIT. sony vegas is such a COOL PROGRAM WITH ALL THE AMAZING EFFECTS & TRANSITIONS ! but it is a paid program . the full version is really expensive . 

in 2008 ~ 2009 

(dont rmb exactly when since it’s long ago) , i received many negative remarks , comments , criticisms . i was so affected by it that i deleted everything + my first youtube channel . i think it was my very first ? i upload almost everything i did with ms bannedstory there. i deleted that channel. i forgot the reason why i deleted it , since it is so long ago . but i dont think i regret it. a little part of me regretted it, cause i couldn’t see what my younger version of me did. :x 

i also deleted everything on my second channel until it is left with 2-3 videos.

im sorry for being such a noobie. sorry for being such a useless burden

yes idk why do i exist in this world . 

im such a trash . im useless . im a burden. i creep everyone out . nobody likes me . That happened like , 9-10 years ago , but i still remember those memories.

i guess im not meant to know people . im not meant to have friends . im meant to be alone . i dont deserve to know people . i dont deserve to have friends . im destined to be a loner4lyfe :’) 

sorry that i was born this way . 

even school made me thought this way … 

2011 ~ 2014 ; 

itz a traumatic experience for me . ; new ;

i meet new people , experience something new . i guess i was also going through a stage of puberty . 

towards the end of 2011 

My classmate abandoned me , she said she hate me . I began to overthink .why does she hate me ? am i a bad person ? did i do something wrong ? is it because of how i treat others ? how i treat my … friend ? i was mean ? i was being rude ? im useless ? im a burden ? how weird i am ? …  She was the first person who made the first move to talked to me in school . i guess i kind of like her , as a friend . she meant a lot to me . She is the first person who tried to be my friend during my school days , while the rest do not give a fuck and gave me ‘ i do not like you ‘ face , even their body language says it . i got kind of attached and used to her presence , because i’m not used to making the first move to talk to people , being around with people , hanging out with people in school . i’m kind of a loner . im kind of anti-social & sort of … shy . i have different personalities. i act differently in different situations. 

; 2012 ; 

When she said she hated me last year , she abandoned me . She started hanging out with my other classmate . And everytime she saw me  or when im close to her , she always make an excuse for me to stay away from her , and then gave me a blackface or that ‘ i do not like you ‘ look . hahaha

I guess there is a first for everything . I do not know how it feels having someone who did all these for me . itz a new experience for me . i feel lost ;; i do not know what this feeling was … 

i started playing an online game ‘ auditionsea ‘ in late 2010 , but got more focused & addicted in mid 2011 . 

I tried releasing my stress and emotional pain by playing auditionsea, because i do not know what i am feeling . I feel empty , hollow inside . i do not know what this feeling is. i feel … lost .It did not really work but it did pass the time . 

i also overthink a lot .  i kept thinking and thinking . i overthink so much that it fucked me up . i became more messed up . i tried acting not myself because acting myself will make me think more , and more emotional . im kind of a emotional person , to prevent me feeling even worse . i tried acting like a different person online… but it did not work and backfired . it still messes me up .i am so damn lost . i tried to become a different person irl , it is the same result .it backfired , did not work , making me even worse . i guess being true to yourself is the best ? … “ be yourself “ . everyone is different and unique . but i tried doing all that because of overthinking . i overthink , i think a lot . F m l . 

In this year 2012 , maplesea released a new class , ‘ phantom ‘ . I saw his cinematic trailer and animation . holy shit . He is such a cool class, and he steal skills ! I stopped playing MS temporarily because that game gets boring after awhile when you completed what you want to do . I have to admit, Phantom made me install back MS and i got addicted to ms again . I really like MS storyline and lore . His individual storyline is kind of good , itz like watching an anime but you have to play the game to read the story lolz . The art is quite good , I LIKED IT !! but i took fucking 3-4 years to reach level 200, cause i stopped playing temporarily at LV 150-170 + . i do not know where to train , lost motivation and my damage is really NOOB . PLUS I AM POOR AS FUCK and NOOB AS FUCK . After phantom class , they began to release more and more class and i kind of neglected the old class which i haven’t get to 200 yet. lolz.

I guess I am meant to be alone , i do not deserve to have friends . i sorry for being such a weird person okay . i am sorry for being born this way . idk why do i exist in this world , idk why am i born with this personality . idk why am i so useless . idk why am i such a burden . why am i so useless …i’m really useless. i am meant to be a loner i guess .

i guess that is why i became more anti-social . 

In mid 2012 - late 2012

In one of my school classes , i saw my friend crying . My other classmate saw it too , and he asked her why . She said her friend // my other classmate abandon her. She left her for another friend. I feel kind of bad. i thought i could finally feel good about it , seeing that she is finally feeling what i am feeling. But i just feel… bad.  I am meant to be alone , so that means im used to being alone … I’m used to feeling lonely, but i am not used to feeling empty, hollow inside. Hahaha. fml it feels like a part of me has been ripped out and it hurts so fucking bad . 

; In 2013 ;

In the beginning of the year , january , my school class has new sitting arrangement for everyone . I was chosen/paired with the same classmate . Idk, she acted like nothing has happened , like she had forgotten the hatred she has for me , and started talking to me again . Friends again ? i was confused . but it was only temporary . i guess all good things do come to an end . 

; 2014 ; 

everything’s gone once again . i became alone once again ~ i came to a conclusion that i am meant to be alone , nobody likes me , i creep everyone out . my classmate became really close to my other friend classmate . They both are close before , but closer this year … Hahaha . i felt like i’m a replacement . spare tyre . 

; 2015 ; 

I changed to a new phone on 12 January 2015 . That means my contacts are gone . I had to restart everything . Games , dl apps from playstore , new accounts , and other stuffz . 

; 2016 ; 

… i don’t know …. i feel so messed up !! LOST ;; LIFE GOES ON . NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS , LIFE GOES ON ANYWAYZ .HAHAHA FML . I had my very first IA / intern experience . :’) it was a challenging and new experience for me for 2 months lolz . That was also the period of time where i tried out MM ^^;; . i was curious so i tried out . Never knew i will love this game so much lolz . FUCK MY LIFE LOLZ.  i intend to tried the game out for awhile , like play the beginning intro , then uninstall . MM made me confused , especially the convo with unknown where he send the address to the player lolz . i intend to uninstall after i played the introduction / prologue , but ZEN made me think otherwise . ZEN is really welcoming and SWEET OMFG ~ he reminds me of phantom from MS . Because of him , i decide to play the game longer , and i got even more confused but i still play CUZ OF ZEN !! FML AND THE LONGER I PLAY , THE MORE I UNDERSTAND AND THE MORE I RELATE TO THE CHARACTERS AND I FELL IN LOVE WITH THIS GAME OMG LOLZ FML . I don’t even know how , itz just sort of naturally happened !!! FUCK ZEN :’( LOLZ JK. 

i guess i fell into a deep wishing well , unable to escape. a.k.a mm hell . 

…..

hahaha . 

i became more afraid . my fear increased . i developed a fear of talking/interacting with people . i  am afraid of making friends. im afraid of  making bad impressions . im afraid of opening up to people . im afraid of knowing people . im afraid the same shit will happen and i will go through it again

its not that i do not want to learn new things . 

(who doesn’t want to learn new things? it means you get to experience it and that means knowing more things. you’ll be more knowledgeable about the things you enjoy i guess)

 itz not that i do not want to learn . itz not that im being stubborn (i kinda am) . im just afraid 

afraid of making mistakes

i feel so useless . i feel so stupid . why do i exist in this world

maybe one day , when i am walking down the streets , some psychopath will stab me or a car will knock me down LOLZ . i doubt anyone will miss me . not my family . what friends ? what is friends . what is a human being ? my family will be so glad to see me dead if that ever gonna happen . im such a burden anyways . im useless .

mean people exists because to balance the good and bad in life .

but why do i feel that more mean people exist than genuinely nice people ?